1. Alex Is Back

**A/N: This is my very first Fanfic, please be kind, and all helpful advice and critisisim is welcomed I love the A/O pairing, if you do too jump on the ship... and thanks for reading**

**sadly I own nothing, but if I did...**

**Waiting**

Olivia had been waiting, she hadn't told anyone, she didn't know if she could, or ever would. None the less what happened in the basement had happened, and like it or not; She didn't, she wanted to tell the only person she had ever loved. Thoughts racing with flashbacks, vivid flashes of him, the way his face looked as she looked from the mattress to him. she had asked "What do you want?" her face panic stricken, eyes wide as he grabbed her head squeezing her face. Leaning in as close as he could whispering, "What every man wants, and your going to give it to me." She had a glazed look in her eyes, one that was as if she was somewhere else, somewhere far away. She was wearing long sleeves and sweats, but was shivering as if she was still down in the dampened basement. Next flash was her hitting him and running off, she tried to get away to hide, to find a way out, if only she prayed in her head, if only she was here to save her. All she had thought about as she wanted to get away from him with no way out was Alex, Alex would make it better, would save her. "Come out, come out where ever you are." she heard, she held her breath praying he wouldn't find her, praying for a way out. she heard the rattle of fence and bars as he moved his night stick on them, then as he kicked a stack of empty white bins over she jumped.

She jumped as she heard her cell ring, it had taken a few rings before it registered, and she was brought back to reality. shakily she picked it up willing herself to breath before answering. "Benson." she said unsure of her own voice, still pulling her self back from the basement. Her face went pale as she jumped up from her couch, she had almost thrown her phone across the room when she heard the familiar blonds voice. Her blue eyed love, the one she had loved for so long, the one she never thought she might see again was now on the phone.

"Liv." Alex said from the other side of the door to her place.

"Alex, Oh god, is that you?" Olivia asked not having any idea her love was just on the other side of the door.

"I'm back, really back, for good." she said with a long pause, she had said it so fast, she hadn't stopped to think of what it would mean, would her brown hared, chocolate eyed love even still feel the same.

Olivia looked around her apartment, not sure if maybe this was some sick twisted dream her mind had cooked up to only further torment her. What if her love wasn't back and she would wake up to find it all a sad dream?

"Liv?" Alex said again, she was growing more worried when she heard nothing on the other end, "Liv, please talk to me, is everything ok?" she waited, she didn't want to say she was right outside until she knew if she was ok and welcomed.

"Alex..." Olivia said still not quit sure she believed it was her. "Your really back? for good?" it had taken her like three minutes to even say anything, and another two or so to say that.

"Yeah, I am." taking a long deep breath to steady herself, she then added "I'm outside."

Olivia looked around again then stared at her phone. Outside? outside where? here maybe? her mind was now whirling, she took a long breath herself, talking once again into her phone, "Outside? where?" it hit her as she asked, dropping her phone she ran to her door unlocking it and almost ripping it off it's hinges with force to see the face she had longed for all these years, and even more so since going undercover.

"Hi." Alex said, nervous grin on her face, not sure what else to say or do, nervously she ran her fingers though her hair.

Olivia moved her self on shaky legs to allow her love in after what seamed like an eternity of staring, "Oh sorry, come in." she said very short on words, she never said a lot to begin with and now these days all she found herself saying was 'I'm fine' or 'don't, stop, just drop it El, nothing happened'.

Alex had noticed she looked pale almost if she was seeing a ghost, not this time though, Alex knew she was back, and back for good, she also noticed how almost broken Olivia had looked, her eyes had seamed so sad and she didn't know if it was her returning, or if it was something else, for now she would take it slow and work the rest out later. She felt so good to be back in her loves apartment, she couldn't think of much else, as she walked in and shut the door behind her.

**Please R/R if you want the next chapter... maybe it's rough and all, but I hope to get better in time..**


	2. Shhh, It's Ok

**Still sadly I own nothing, but if I did...**

Having forgotten about her cell, and all else Olivia stood frozen in place as she watched her love shut, and lock the door before moving to sit on the couch. Alex had wanted nothing more than to just throw her arms around her love and kiss her sweet brown eyed one, but she instead placed her phone in her pocket and sat down. Alex sat half scared of being told she was no longer welcomed, and half not really knowing what to do as it seamed her once vibrant love was immobile. "Liv, are you ok?" she had to ask again.

Olivia finally shook her head, wrapping her arms across her self running her hands over them, "yeah, umm fine." she said as she sat down next to her love, she still felt as if she may find this all had been a bad dream and Alex wasn't really here.

After some time Alex was the first to speak, "Livvy," she said with such tenderness, "It's ok they got him, I'm back and I'm never going to leave you again." she reached out to stroke her loves cheek.

Olivia pulled away her breath catching in her throat as she recoiled from the simple tender actions of her once girl friend. She pulled her legs up and wrapped her arms around herself and took her several moments before she could talk, "no don't." was all she got out.

Alex had pulled her hand back as if it had been touched by fire, she had no idea why her Liv was pulling back from a simple gesture, figuring it was just to soon and her Liv would have to adjust to her being back. "Shh it's ok Liv, you don't want me to I won't."

Olivia nodded and taking a few deep breaths as she collected herself finally let her self look at her love, all the memories of what they once shared came back, the love, the hope, the dreams they once had, but for her it was all tarnished like silver that had not been cleaned since who knew when. forcing her self to speak up and back to Alex, "When did you get back?"

Alex smiled as she saw her love look at her, finally she thought at least she's talking to me. "I just got into town, they took them down and told it was all over, I was safe. I came here as soon as I made it."

Blinking she thought, Alex just got back and came here first? Her eyes widened with surprise, "Really, I was your first stop?"

Alex nodded again, "Yeah babe really, honest, came right here." Alex started to reach out and try to rub her Livvy's arm, but stopped her self as she thought she saw fear in her eyes when she did. She would have to work out later why Liv seamed so jumpy and frightened.

Olivia moved back slightly as Alex's hand had tried to reach out again towards her, why couldn't Alex just leave it be? Had she not sat just said_ 'Liv, you don't want me to I won't.'? _Sighing before finally allowing herself to smile, she stood up and as she walked towards the kitchen asked, "Hey want something to drink?"

Alex had a huge smile on her face as she saw her Liv smile and get up. Adjusting herself on the couch, "sure babe tea would be great."

Olivia nodded as she grabbed two mugs and two tea bags setting them down, then placing the tea in the mugs. She reached on the stove and grabbed her tea pot filling it with water before setting it to boil. Five minutes later she walked out with two steaming mugs of tea, "Peppermint, your favorite." She said as she set them on the table in front of them.

They sat quietly for what felt like ages drinking the tea in silence. Alex couldn't believe she had remembered her favorite tea. Finally she was brimming with curiosity, she had to know what was wrong, why her love looked so sad, her chocolate eyes so big, sad, full of emptiness and pain. The sadness she could see told of hurt beyond anything she had ever seen in her, a look she had only seen in the victims she used to work with. Was it her? Was the fact that she was back done this, or maybe it was something more, she had told no one of her return and had come here first thing. "Liv, baby," she started out, she hopped it wasn't her, she felt this urge to just wrap her up in her arms and never let her go. "What's wrong love, is it me? Have I hurt you in coming back?" Maybe this had been a bad idea, maybe she should have stayed gone.

Olivia only sat there, quietly drinking her tea not paying much attention, her mind had started to drift off again, the look her eyes was sad and distant. it took a long time as they sat there before she spoke up, "Oh no, no, it's not you, not at all." She knew she couldn't tell her, couldn't say she had gone undercover at Sealview, about Ashely, her mom, or him, she just couldn't. Sighing audibly as she sat there.

Alex looked at her with even more concern and love, if it wasn't her what was it? what could make her this sad, this broken? "Hey baby," she spoke up again. "Whatever it is, I'm here, I won't leave you again. You can tell me anything, please baby tell me."

Olivia shook her head, "it's nothing." she looked towards the TV set as if she could will it to turn on, "Hey, movie?" she was hopping Alex would want to and they wouldn't have to talk for some time.

Alex sighed relenting knowing how strong Liv was, and knew she wouldn't get whatever was bothering her out, she would have to wait. "Sure sounds good." she said as she picked up the remote and found them a movie, Jerry McGuire. It was her favorite, she was a hopeless romantic at heart and loved romantic comedies.

After about thirty minutes, Olivia moved closer and laid her head down next to Alex, feeling a lot safer, and more relaxed for the first time in ages, She absent mindlessly reached for Alex's hand and held it as her other hand rested still protectively over her stomach.

Alex held her hand tightly, and when the movie was finally over she ordered them some dinner knowing Olivia loved Chinese she ordered several things from her favorite take out place. Knowing whatever it was Olivia didn't seam to have the energy to even get the door, she got up after flipping more channels when the buzzer went off. Taking the food, she placed it on the table as Liv sat up and they ate dinner, as Alex told her some of the funnier stuff that happened the last few weeks, hopping to make Liv laugh. they finally fell asleep watching an old black and white she found on TMC. Liv's eyes closed to tired to stay awake.

**Please as Always R/R and I hope it's getting better, as well and not being to dragged out... all helpful advice and criticism is welcomed **


	3. The Pond

**Still sadly I own nothing, but if I did...**

Alex stirred in her sleep, still in the same sitting position she had fallen asleep in, her hand still in the same spot as she opened her eyes. Looking down at her sleeping love that was now in a fetal position, she leaned over softly brushing her lips against Liv's in a kiss, then making her way to the bathroom.

Feeling the small kissed placed to her lips in her sleep, Liv had incorporated it into her dream, like when one hears sounds and adds them in. She felt her heart race, and her eyes were wide with fear, his lips were on her, he was kissing her again. She was watching as if she was outside her body, his hand grabbing her face holding it there, cheeks squished painfully as she screamed _'please don't, please don't, please, don't_.' he repeated her words, then as he kissed her some more, _'Mmmm'_, he moaned. Olivia still sleeping screamed out "please don't, please don't, please, don't."

Having just put her hand on the door about to come out, Alex heard Liv's screams and ran over to her. Trying to wake her up without success she ran her hand softly over Liv's hair almost petting her saying, "shhh, it's ok baby, it's ok." Very shortly after Liv was calm and her breathing returned to normal. Alex sat there not sure what to make of it all, but would not bring it up in the morning she knew as she sat there watching over her love till sleep claimed her again.

They had showered, dressed, and finally eaten when Liv, having not remember her cries in the night finally spoke up, she still wasn't sure this wasn't all a dream and she would wake up to find her Lex gone. "Lexy, what are your plans now that your back?" She had waited for this day for so long, but now with her back she felt awkward and strange, she was no longer the same.

"Mmmm well," she started to answer having missed their walks in central park, figured a nice walk in the park would be just the thing, she was taking it day by day for now. she knew she needed an apartment, she couldn't stay here for ever, but that could wait till tomorrow, this was Liv's first day off in a long time, even on her days off Alex knew she went in. "Lets take a walk in the park baby, I missed our walks so much while I was gone."

Placing their coffee cups in the sink she nodded. "Mmmm, I missed them too." They grabbed their coats shrugging them on and were out the door.

They walked for hours in the park, Alex taking in the sights and smells she had so longed for, and missed. dragging Liv all over as they went down by the pond and finally took a break on some benches. She even got a laugh as she hummed the Mr. Softee song.

Olivia took a deep breath as she leaned over and rested head on Alex's shoulder, normally she was the strong one, the one to hold Alex close always be the one on top, the one Alex leaned on and rested on. "Alex?"she asked

"Hmmm?" she said smiling as she felt Liv's head on her shoulder, an arm draping around her love. Still looking over the water happily.

"Do you, do you, you know love me still?" She sighed then held her breath waiting. Maybe this was a question better asked at home, but she just knew she was no longer lovable. If and when Alex said said she didn't, she knew it was when she would say it, Liv couldn't haven't bared to take the news at home, she would have ran or freaked out maybe, but here she wouldn't be crying so bad if she did at all.

Alex pulled away slightly as she moved her hand up to her loves face, placing her hand under Liv's chin using her finger to lift it up so she was looking directly into her eyes. Her face as soft and sweet as ever as she looked sadly at her love. "Of course I still love you, I have dreamt a lot of nights about this day, being here with you in your arms, cuddling, talking, and spending the rest of my life with you. why do you feel the need to ask such a thing baby?" Tears were brimming in her eyes threatening to spill yet she kept them directly on her.

Her chin held up, she looked away almost shaking her head away, as she tears silently spilled down her face, she hated herself for making her Lex almost cry. "It's, it's nothing, I just missed you, I was so afraid you had moved on." She had just said more than she had said in weeks other then when talking to victims and having to at work.

Alex leaned in to kiss her as she she moved to wipe away her tears. Seeing Liv flinch as her sad eyes got a bit wider, pulled back as her thumbs wiped at her ears drying her face. "you know, I missed having hot dogs right off a cart, come on am starving." She wasn't buying the story, but didn't plan to push the issue here, she would ask Eliot later in the week. Getting up pulling Liv with her they headed off for a hot dog with all the fixings.

By the time they got home both were exhausted, and as she fell on the couch Liv picked up the remote to her stereo turning on her favorite cd looking at the clock it was now after seven, Alex had gone straight to the kitchen and was making tea for them both.

Placing the mugs in front of them she sat down next to Liv, leaning her head back on the sofa, closing her eyes. "Peppermint," she said meaning the tea before turning to look at Liv and playfully poke her in the side, the rest of the day had gone so well, as if the questions and the time all faded away effortlessly, for now at least.

Liv, laughed reaching for a pillow on the sofa, she tossed it at Lex, grateful the questions were over, as was the long day. "Hey no fair," she said pretending to pout.

They decided on pizza for dinner getting salami and white sauce with shredded provolone on it. after dinner and another movie as Alex yawned and Liv stretched, Alex offered to sleep on the couch since she wasn't sure what Liv would want, she hadn't forgotten anything, or the sad broken looks she saw when she looked at her love off and on all day. "Livvy, I love you baby, sleep well."

Olivia, knew what Alex was doing, taking her hand pulling her up, "Please just hold me?" The sad broken and distant look was back in her eyes, she wasn't good at asking for this anymore, but she couldn't sleep alone again, when she did she never slept, she always woke up in a sweat with nightmares.

Alex took her in a hug looking into her eyes, "you sure Livvy?" tears threatening to spill again from the look in her loves eyes.

Olivia nodded, she loved when Lex called her Livvy. Kissing Lex's forehead leading her into the bedroom.

**Please as Always R/R and I hope it's getting better, as well and not being to dragged out, but the next chapter should go a lot faster, i know this one was draging... all helpful advice and criticism is welcomed... Please if you want more I would love at least 5 new reviews for this, TY! **


	4. Revelations

**Still sadly I know nothing, but if I did...**

She woke up at six am no longer in her loves arms, her body snuggled against Alex's just not being held. She slowly got up as to not wake her and headed off for the shower getting ready for work. She left Alex still sleeping with a note on the coffee pot knowing she couldn't miss it there, "Alex, didn't want to wake you, stay as long as you want no need to leave." She hadn't wanted her love to worry and figured the note would let her know she was only at work, and to stay if she wanted.

Walking into the 1-6 Olivia sighed bracing herself knowing the looks of concern and worry Eliot would throw at her asking as always if she was ok, and what was wrong. Dropping her stuff at her desk before making her way to the horrible coffee that munch made no doubt, she felt better knowing she had made it in before her partner and wouldn't have to suffer his looks, not yet anyways. Pouring coffee as she get out the powdered cream and some sugar, she looked up when she heard him come in, "hey El."

He sat down at his desk seeing the stack of files already there, knowing he had a boat load of paperwork to catch up on, "hey Liv, how are you?" he smiled at her.

"Peachy, you?" She said walking over to her desk to start on her own paperwork, the Silvers case still had no leads and after she finished compiling the witness statement, they would need to go back to the deli where the girl had been found. Nodding his answer that he was good, he went back to his paper work.

By five they had gone back over the scene, interviewed a few more people, and all that was left was to finish up the paperwork and get a warrant for search of the car they were told was seen parked still across the street where the girl had come from.

Two weeks had gone by Alex was still there and Olivia was no closer to telling her anything, most days she placed a false bravado on trying to keep Alex from asking to much. Alex still wasn't buying it and had started to ask several times, but in the end always stopped herself. "Livvy?" Alex said one night after dinner knowing she would say it was time she should look for an apartment, at least that was her plan. "Hmm?" she answered from the couch where they were curled up talking, Liv had been letting her just a bit closer, and always rested on her shoulder.

She pulled away and took her loves hands looking into her eyes, "I think I should look for a place of my own, I can't be here forever." Liv started to panic, be here for ever? She was leaving? no.. no.. no, she had to react fast, but she still spent all but that second night on the couch. Alex had agreed to stay for a little while but Liv had no idea it was only two weeks, "Why baby, have I done something? Are you upset with me?" Her tears immediately started pouring out, her voice catching a small sob in her throat, eyes swimming in pain. "No, baby, no. shhhh," moving to take Liv in her arms, comforting her as she rubbed her back.

She always blamed herself these days, beat herself up for being weak and letting herself get dragged down there. now she had pushed Alex away she just knew it was all her fault. Olivia was for the first time in ages leaning on someone else and letting them take care of her, when her eyes could let out no more tears she took a deep breath nodding slowly feeling spent. She knew she shouldn't stop her but she couldn't, just couldn't lose her after just getting her back, "Then why do you want to go? won't... won't, will you please stay?" pleading with her eyes as she looked at her loves face, conflicting emotions tore at her heart. "We could get a bed for the spare room."

Alex's eyes lit up with what she was hearing, her Liv, her love wanted her to stay. Kissing her loves forehead, softly brushing some hair from her eyes, "Sure that's what you want?" Liv nodded her response, placing her head back on Lexxy's shoulder. a huge grin splayed on her face sighing happily, "We can shop this weekend."

The rest of the week went by fairly quickly for once, but on friday as they started their day, His eyes kept looking at her as he wondered just how long she was going to keep shutting him out as his phone rang. He picked up with a look of shock in his eyes. You could have knocked him over with a feather when he heard the voice on the other end after answering, "Stabler."

"Hi, Eliot it's me Alex, just got back two weeks ago and made Liv my first stop," pausing to give him time to register that she was truly back indeed.

"Hey, good to hear from you." Olivia picked up on his conversation eying him, wondering what it was about, going back to her work knowing at some point she would hear about it, they told each other everything, well almost. All but this she thought. Still somewhat shocked, not knowing she had finally gotten out of WPP until just then, he looked over to Liv, why hadn't she mentioned this?

She supposed she could have gone by the station, said hello to them all but for now she wanted to know what was going on with her Liv, if only she had a little info she knew she could wait for when Olivia would open up, and sensing that he would want to know why Liv hadn't mentioned her return to him, "El, I asked Liv not to say anything, I want to let people know I'm back when I'm ready." Figuring that would stop the slew of questions that he would have bombarded his partner with once off the phone.

"Sure no problem, so what's up?" he asked wondering if there was something more she wanted, she did sound like she was a bit worried, maybe it was strange not to be always looking over her shoulder, and was just adjusting to being back. "Don't worry either, I won't say anything." Strange he thought shaking his head, not sure himself what to make of it, but she wanted people to know on her terms not his. He didn't like it but understood.

"Thanks El, but I called to see if we could meet for lunch, I'm worried about Liv she's not herself, and I know something is wrong." Trying not to sound desperate, but needing to know, she leaned back on the couch her head on a cushion as she waited for him to answer.

He looked over at Liv who was getting up to head over to Cragen's office. Waited till she was gone, "Sure Alex, say two? I have a meeting with Lizzie teacher, but can meet you afterwords." He wondered what he would tell her as he knew nothing himself, he didn't know if Liv had even told her she gone undercover. Running his hand through his receding hairline he made plans to meet her at 2 at a dinner down the street from Olivia's place then hung up.

It had been a week and a half since they had lunch, she never mentioned she knew about Sealview, the fact she had gone undercover and gotten justice for Ashely, her mom Risa, and a slew of other women in the prison even if none of them had come forward. Alex was good about making sure Liv didn't know she knew. She looked up from her book over at Liv smiling mischievously, a glint in her eye leaning over to kiss her forehead before standing up. Moving the coffee table out of the way towards the wall, before walking over and putting a CD in the player.

"What are you doing love?" Olivia asked as she watched half smiling, half wondering just what her girlfriend was doing. Alex walked back taking Olivia's hand as she pulled her up. "Come, dance with me." She said just as the song came on, she had been planing this all day, it wasn't much, but Alex not knowing anything about what almost happened to Liv, only knew she had come back broken and was always jumpy. As such Alex had made a conscience decision to plan very small things to let her know she was loved, not wanting to over do it. She would be Liv's ice queen, strong and hold them both up till Liv could do it for herself and tell her whatever was going on with her.

Liv giggled as she was pulled up, nodding letting Alex lead her around the living room, she wasn't sure about much, but If she could make it as if things were normal again, maybe she could pretend none if it had happened. When the CD ended, Liv felt the need to reciprocate putting in one she had been saving for the right time, songs always could tell someone else how you felt without your need for words. Soon Alex stated crying silent tears poured down her cheeks, not believing what she was hearing, did Liv really feel this way? could it be she might open up to her and tell her whatever was going on soon? "I love you baby." Liv said for the first time since she had been back, having been to afraid before now, afraid of herself, of Lex, of the world, but for now she ripped down a small wall exposing herself a bit more.

_I can be an asshole of the grandest kind_

_I can withhold like it s going out of style_

_I can be the moodiest baby and you've never met anyone_

_who is as negative as I am sometimes_

_I am the wisest woman you've ever met._

_I am the kindest soul with whom you've connected._

_I have the bravest heart that you've ever seen_

_And you've never met anyone_

_Who's as positive as I am sometimes._

_You see everything, you see every part_

_You see all my light and you love my dark_

_You dig everything of which I'm ashamed_

_There's not anything to which you can't relate_

_And you're still here_

_I blame everyone else, not my own partaking_

_My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating_

_I'm terrified and mistrusting_

_And you've never met anyone as,_

_As closed down as I am sometimes._

_You see everything, you see every part_

_You see all my light and you love my dark_

_You dig everything of which I'm ashamed_

_There's not anything to which you can't relate_

_And you're still here_

_What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know_

_What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go_

_I'm the funniest woman you've ever known._

_I am the dullest woman you've ever known._

_I'm the most gorgeous woman you've ever known_

_And you've never met anyone as, as everything as I am sometimes._

_You see everything, you see every part_

_You see all my light and you love my dark_

_You dig everything of which I'm ashamed_

_There's not anything to which you can t relate_

_And you re still here_

_And you re still here_

_And you're still here..._

**Please as Always R/R... Everything By Alanis Morrisette**


	5. Planning A Trip

**Still sadly I own nothing, but if I did...**

Over the next few weeks they settled into a comfortable routine, Alex had finished setting her room up with a few pictures, and some nice stuff they had found while shopping. They had found some nice pillows and throw rugs for the floor. When it was all said and done, the room was totally Alex. The Silvers case was going to trial soon, they had all the evidence needed, they had gone over the scene several times, and interviewed a few more people, they had all the witnesses all lined up, all the evidence ready to be resented. Olivia was still not sleeping well, but getting better, it had been a while since she woke up screaming, now it was just waking up in cold sweats.

"Livvy..." Alex started.

"Hmm?" she replied.

Taking a few moments before speaking up, she had to word this right, she wanted to take Olivia out of town before the case got under way knowing it would be a while before it was over. "I've been thinking, how would you feel about taking a long weekend with me? We could go to that cabin in Vermont, the one we stayed at that weekend we first went away together, remember?" She held her breath hopping she would say yes, they could get away from it all, and just relax.

"Baby, I have work, I can't just go, what about the Silvers case?" True she was being called as a witness, but more than that, the thought of being that far away alone with Alex, was just to scary. what if, what if she wanted something Olivia couldn't do or give anymore? Trying to hide the fear in her eyes, but not being successful.

Kissing her forehead with the doe eyed look that always made Olivia melt, not wanting to go because she wanted something sinister. Seeing the trepidation in her loves eyes, but she had been expecting something like this in the back of her head. Already having booked the room and the flight reservations, she was not going to allow her to back down if she could help it. "Baby I know, but please, the case doesn't even go to trial for three weeks, we can go next weekend, you said yourself Casey had it all ready. We can just have some fun skiing and being in the lodge."

Pouting, not her usual form, she tried to think of a way out of this. Alex was always so incredibly good at seeing right through her and her defenses, thinking fast on her feet, come on Liv find away out of this. "We still need to get some more evidence for the case." nice save Benson she thought.

"Baby I know for a fact it's all said and done, ave your being a witness." Not backing down, "besides, it's just a four day weekend." she had booked the room a week and even checked with Eliot, that she had the time to take off, but had no plans of telling her that.

She felt her loves fingers brush some hair from her eyes, looking up at her seeing the tenderness in her eyes as she had been pouting. That and the doe eyed look from Before making her melt, with a small sigh she conceded. "Ok, ok, how can I say no when you look at me like that? not fair."

"Yeah yeah," she chided. "You love that look and me." Moving to place another kiss on her forehead.

"Your right I do." She said laughing as she grabbed a pillow playfully hitting her with it. Taking a deep breath feeling brave, "Lexxy?"

"Hey," she said laughing dodging the pillow just barely, "mmm?" when she heard her name.

"Feel like dinner? we could go out." it was almost eight, and for once she was really hungry, most days it took a lot to make her leave the house except for work, or when Alex made her come with her some place.

Stopping and almost doing a double take, had she heard right? Liv wanted to go out, no prodding needed? No telling her it wasn't good to hole up in the house after two weeks of staying in? Giving her best smile nodding quickly, "dinner sounds great."

They were showered changed and out the door in all of forty five minutes, before Liv could change her mind. Dinner was simple and nice, they went for pasta, Olivia had chicken fettuccine alfredo, and Alex had stuffed manicoti. After dinner they walked slowly past some shops and stopped for ice cream before heading home.

It was eleven thirty before they finally made it back, feeling better than she had in ages, and feeling even braver, she kissed Alex, a long slow kiss. Alex pulled back looking into her eyes breathlessly but wanting to make sure she was ok, "You sure baby?" Olivia nodded kissing her again before pulling her onto the couch. Letting out a soft growl Alex started to reach up to pull her face in for a deeper kiss not knowing it was about to go horribly wrong.

Instantly pulling back a look of pure fear in her eyes, a cold sweat breaking out on her forehead, was suddenly in the basement again, feeling his hands on her face, his nasty heavy breathing washing over her like mud that was splattered on you when a car ran over a puddle and splashed you, said in small timid voice, "no.. please... please don't. please don't."

Watching Liv fall apart right in front of her from the kisses they shared made her pull back dropping her hands, sad eyes filling with tears she tried to blink back. "Liv, Livvy, it's ok, it's ok shhhh, your ok whatever it is, your ok, I'm here, your safe." Managing a small smile she leaned back, knowing or at least she thought she knew this was no simple case of the jitters, she saw this in the victims they worked with, and with her back to work in a few weeks, knew she would see more like this again, she had to bite her lip to stop for asking about stuff.

Her heart racing and her eyes wide, after what seamed like hours finally relaxed some realizing she was at home and with Alex, repeated, "I'm ok, it's ok, it's ok." tears spilling as she found her voice, moving to lay on her loves lap looking up into her eyes.

Alex silently brushed her hand over Liv's hair, placing a hand on her arm as she calmed down, "I love you baby, we don't need to do this. we never need to do anything you don't want, no matter what." there she was being her ice queen again. they sit like that for a long time before anyone speaks up, "I'm sorry Lex." With a deep sigh she knew she had to tell her something soon, she could hear the voice Alex used, the one they used with victims, and she knew Alex knew or thought something was up. Olivia feeling exhausted curled up on her lap falling asleep.

After watching her love sleep Alex finally dozed off herself, knowing they could try and talk in the morning.

At five am she awoke in a cold sweat, hands shaking, a sob caught in her throat, getting up she went to the bathroom splashing water on her face, hands on the sink looking into the mirror.

Nine am she finally stirred, Olivia had curled back up with Alex on the couch going back to sleep for a little longer. Stretching with a yawn it being an hour later, "morning baby." Liv sat up replying "morning." Showering as Alex made coffee, then toweling her hair dry she came out with a cup being handed to her, "Mmm thanks."

They sat in silence for a long time, Alex reading the comics, after all, it was Sunday they were in color and longer than the daily ones, hey she thought to herself, comics are fun, she started to speak four or five times but stopping each time, she really had no idea what to say, how was she going to explain this? Sighing as she knew she was going to have to say something, there was just no way around it, "Baby?" Putting down her comics as she looked into her loves eyes, "yes love?"

Olivia took her hand standing up, "there's something I need to tell you." They moved to the couch. Wringing her hands not able to sit still she finally got up pacing back and forth, and after a long silence she started telling her about going under cover. "I went under cover at sealview, " she started out, and after a good twenty or so minutes she had let out a lot of what happened, the way you had no privacy, the fact that they strip searched you, male guards patting you down, calling you fish. How she had to apologize to Fin, about the way they demeaned you, and made you feel like a piece of meat, she left out all details of the basement not telling her of anything other than the riot, about the outbreak. When she was finally done, fresh tears spilling down her face staining her cheeks, waited for what she knew was to come, that she was no longer lovable.

Alex walked over slowly soothing her with comforting words, and rubbing her back ever so gently.

"Oh baby you didn't deserve that, you did nothing wrong, and anytime you need anything, anything at all I am here for you, no one has that right to treat you like that." Giving her best ice queen smile, the one that means she means business and what she says, "as for Fin, you were both just playing your parts, he wouldn't ever do that if he wasn't forced, because forced you had to say sorry." Pausing for a deep breath, just getting angry inside, but not wanting to show it when she heard about the strip search by male guards, "NO man has the right to strip search you, not ever, they needed a woman doing it." Her eyes said a lot too there was no pity there, just total love and understanding, Alex only hopped there wasn't more she wasn't saying. "I love you and that will never change, nothing that happened could make me stop loving you." Before her love could speak again she added, "and nothing that may happen later to you will make me stop loving you."

Turning around she curled into her loves arms feeling them wrapping her in a hug as she cried. "Hold me?" she asked just barely above a whisper, as they moved slowly to the couch and Alex took her in her arms holding her, rocking her, making sure she felt loved, cared for, and safe. Maybe one day she thought to herself, I'll tell her the rest.

**Please as Always R/R and please let me know if you like it or if i should just end it, forget their trip, and the rest when she finally spills it all, not just part of it.  
**


	6. The Cabin

**Still sadly I own nothing, but if I did...**

Monday afternoon she found herself in Cragen's office not wanting to ask for time off, but since she had promised Alex, she had no choice. She quickly looked around the room knowing he would wonder why she wanted time off, she even came in sick, he was always forcing her to go home and rest. "Captain, I need to take a few days off, I have some time and if I don't use it I will loose it." Sighing as she hopped he wouldn't ask questions.

He nodded, as Alex had called and already told him of her plans and gotten him to let her have the full week off. He had been shocked when she called and told him of her return back to the city, along with a few details. "Sure, have a good time," he said with a smile, not telling her Alex had called and how surprised he had been to learn of her return. Olivia nodded and left to return to some more DD5's she had to finish up for an older case that had just gotten a break.

The case was of a ten year old little girl, found beaten and attacked outside her apartment building, it would keep them busy for the next few weeks. It had gone cold as they had no suspect, but someone had called in a tip and they were re investigating it.

As it got closer to the vacation they were now taking, Olivia's nightmares and night sweats had gotten worse, she wasn't as bad as she had been before Alex had come home, but had slipped back some, a few times she had woken up crying "No, please, no.. don't.. what is it you want?" She could hear his voice in her head, feel him pressing into her from behind through clothes, all the stuff that had happened, even once she dreamed something much worse happened, but knew it didn't once she woke up. Alex would come running into her room, brush the hair from her face waking her up and slowly rock her back to sleep, once when she heard her asking what he wanted in her sleep, she wondered just how bad this really was, but would let her tell in her own time. "Shh, baby it's ok your safe, I'm here." The only good thing she found was not waking up screaming, crying yes, but no screams.

Finally the day of the trip was there, they were all packed and the cab was outside, Olivia took one last look around still not sure she wanted to go, but knew once on the plane she would be ok. Alex took her hand pulling her into a hug, "baby just think, soon we will be on the slopes." Before long they were at the airport, checked in, boarded and had found their seats. As the plane took off Olivia sighed a deep seeded relief, She was stuck but happy since now there was no turning back, she resigned herself to it and was determined to have some fun, after all it was only a few days. "Baby," Alex said.

"Hmmm?" Olivia said, eyes closed with her head leaning back on the seat.

"I have a small surprise, I cleared it with Cragen, and we have the whole week here." She gave a lopsided smile.

Her eyes sprang open looking over at her love in the next seat, "a whole week?" She wasn't sure how she would make it a week, but realized that must have been why Alex needed the extra bag, she had only packed for four days. Deciding, well she was in for four, what was a few more days. "Thanks love, but you should have told me sooner." Not really that upset, but she wished she had known. "Wow you told captain your back."

Alex gave a sheepish grin, "well, I was afraid you'd find a way out of it if I said it was a week."

Olivia grinned knowing she was right.

By three pm they were checked in and unpacking, as Olivia flopped down on the bed she grinned again, "what's with the grin?" Alex asked putting away the last of her stuff. "Nothing, thank you is all." She really didn't know how thank her for all this, she hadn't wanted it, even tried to get out of it, but now here, it was as if New York was a million miles away. She moved over kissing Alex, this time she had all control, Alex never made a move to her face, let Olivia call all the shots. They kissed and cuddled on the bed for almost two hours, as Olivia slowly adjusted into vacation mode. She even Let Alex run her bath in the jacuzzi tub, as she settled in Alex surprised her with bubbles, then left the bathroom.

They went to dinner before taking a walk, they went down a snowy path, tall trees covered in snow. It was there own winter wonderland, they walked through the trees to find a small clearing, and spent time making snow angels laughing and having fun before going back. Olivia's arm around Alex as they walked, no one talking much as they didn't feel the need, they could be together without the need for words, and just be happy. Finally as they made it back to the cabin, Olivia felt relaxed more than she had in so long, she decided to start a fire, she stuffed the fire place with a few small logs, crumpled some paper that had been the local news paper for kindling, and once the fire was going nicely went to curl up with her love on the rug in front of it. Alex Had picked up a bottle of wine and was pouring two glasses holding one out to Liv, "mmm thanks for starting the fire baby."

It was two days later when Olivia woke up in a cold sweat, blankets kicked off accidentally hitting Alex in the face, and now feeling even worse for doing so, "Sorry," was all she got out. Alex jumped up as soon as she was hit, her breathing fast, heart racing, but as soon as she realized it was Olivia with a bad dream and had been an accident she was calm. Taking a wet wash cloth from the bathroom she wiped Olivia's face soothing her back to bed before she leaned back, she stayed awake the rest of the night watching over her, as dawn filtered in some sunlight into the room she finally let herself sleep.

The next day passed with some skiing, Olivia had never been and had taken one of those two hour lessons and was now on the bunny slopes as it was, feeling a bit out of place as mostly kids were on them, but Alex stuck with her although she was an avid skier from trips she and her family took when she was younger. When Olivia fell landing on her butt, Alex laughed from how cute she looked, not noticing the small snowball Olivia made and now threw at her, "hey!" Pouting with her lip out just a bit also not her usual form, Olivia stood up and bit it gently, "come catch me." Alex went off after her laughing.

That night, Olivia had started to open up but stopped just short of saying anything several times, she wanted to say something anything, she felt a knot in the pit of her stomach. After a while they settled into a comfortable silence, cuddling, kissing, smiling, Alex let Liv make all the moves careful to not touch her face again. Finally when they fell asleep, it was only three hours later later she woke up screaming. It had been almost two months since she had done that, her dreams no longer made her wake up that way until tonight. She was back in the basement, but this time handcuffed to the door, hand stuck over her head, his hands pulling her toward his bits, hard and right in her face, _'NO, NO, NOOOOO.'_ Tears pouring down her face as she choked her no's out, _'Shut up.' _he said.'you bite me your dead.' Saying one last time, _'shut up.' _his bits now pressing on her lips. It was only then that Fin had come and rescued her.

Why was it the worst nightmares and flashbacks came when she kissed Alex?

Alex awoke with a flash, hearing Olivia's screams, "baby shhh, your safe, no one's here, your safe, your safe." Tears and wracking sobs poured out of Olivia, her whole body shaking. thirty minutes later, finally calm enough to speak up she found the words she needed.

"he was... he had... um..." she was still shaking trying regain her composure, she stood up pacing back and forth, this time it took her close to an hour telling Alex it all, she told her of the basement, the bed, how he threw her on it saying, _'now shut up, and do as your told.' _she went on to say how he hit her, kept squeezing her face in his hands, how she was able to hit him and run off hiding for a bit, not before he had pressed his hard bits against her from behind with his clothes on. She also told her of being hit with the night stick once found, and forced out, hitting him again trying one last time to run off. She told her how she was handcuffed to the door, and that's where he had pressed his bits to her lips. She mentioned how at the very last second Fin came running to her rescue.

Olivia held her breath, not daring to make a sound, afraid Alex thought the worst of her her for letting herself be taking down there, for all that followed because of it, well if she was being honest with herself that is she felt disgusted for letting him do that. She knew Alex hated her, and thought she was disgusting for letting him do that, not stopping him and having to be saved by Fin.

After what felt like ages Alex opened her mouth as if she might speak.

**Please as Always R/R ooo, what will she say? will Liv stay calm, with all her issues, and Alex seaming to take her time? or will she flip out, maybe run? ok not the best cliffy but who knows...**


	7. The Cabin Pt 2

When it took Alex five minutes to open her mouth, and yet still she hadn't said anything, yes she was carefully picking her words, she didn't want to make it any worse for Olivia, but she was so angry for what he had put her though, and how he had hurt her, Olivia couldn't take it. She ran from the room grabbing her jacket and shoes, and was out the door in seconds. Alex tried to call after her "Livvy, Livvy, Damn it!", but Liv was having a full blown panic attack, the worst one she had ever had, she felt so light headed and the walls were closing in on her. How could she not say anything? Liv now felt even more that she was at fault, that Alex was disgusted with her, _'Damn it, I knew I shouldn't have told her, now she see's how disgusting I am.' _

It had all happened so fast, Liv was now out there somewhere in her pajama bottoms and tank top, shoes and jacket in hand. Alex banged her head against the wall cursing herself for not speaking up sooner, yes she was angry, really angry at what happened, not because of Liv but about what he had done to her. some sick man had tried to rape the love of her life, with tears streaking down her face, "I let her run off, what's wrong with me? I know I shouldn't make this about me, but I made it worse." She was saying out loud, but to herself, since she was alone, she quickly put on a sweatshirt and her jacket, shoes too not even tied and five minutes later was chasing Liv. She was Barely holding it together, she knew she had to for Liv, but how would things ever be the same, how would Liv get back what he took from her she wondered. As she snapped out of it, her only hope was that Liv had stopped to put on her jacket and shoes, so hadn't got far.

Olivia, ran fast and hard, bare feet hitting the snow not feeling cold, she had no idea where she was going, tears were streaming down her face, making for an even colder night. She finally slowed and the cold caught up with her as she huffed and puffed catching her breath. she had made it down the path they took on their first walk here. She sat in the snow not caring if she froze her ass off as she put on her shoes then jacket.

"Liv, Liv? baby please answer me, are you here?" Alex was calling out for her, as she searched.

She sat in the snow legs pulled up as she heaved out wracking heavy sobs, she couldn't hear anything but her own cries, now she was cursing herself out loud. "Your so disgusting, you let him take you there, even Alex knows it's your fault, she didn't even say a word." The anger that flashed in her eyes, Liv knew it was for her, knew Alex hated her for it and was all her fault. She couldn't get it out of her head.

Alex was still calling out searching as she finally made it down the familiar path they had once walked. She slowly approached Liv taking a seat in the snow next to her. "Baby, why did you run off?" Her eyes were soft, but you could still see so much anger behind them, she only hopped she could make Liv see it was for him, and what he had done to her, and not at her for any of this.

Liv looked over at her slowly before she quickly whipped her head away, not able to stand the anger she saw there. "yo.. yo.. you didn't say anything, it.. it.. it took you so long in silence, I'm so.. so.. sorry, you hate me I know it. I.. I.. I let him do that to me."

Not even feeling the numbing cold under her butt, Alex quickly moved to sit and face her love, tears now silently spilling down her face, taking a deep breath, "I am so angry, I want to kill him for what he did to you Livvy, I'm not mad at you nor do I hate you." she tried to grab Liv in a hug pulling her softly towards her arms trying to make it around her wanting nothing more than to hold her and keep her safe. "It's his fault Livvy, he did this to you, he hurt you, please baby, none of this is your fault, you did nothing wrong."

Liv shrank back, the tone in Alex voice scared her, she knew Lex wouldn't hurt anyone, but still felt the vibes she put out, and they were angry, hurt, and disappointed. Her whole body shook with sobs.

Alex saw this and realized it was not doing a damn bit of good to be angry at him, not now anyways. her whole body softened up, as well as her eyes, lifting Liv's chin to meet her eyes, now looking directly into them, "Baby, I love you, let me hold you?" she didn't move, but her face was now telling a different story, soft and caring, her eyes no longer blazing, it hadn't taken more than two seconds to make the switch, like a light bulb going on or off, she knew it wasn't the time for this when she saw her love shrink back.

Olivia exhausted, over come with emotions, and finally not so anxious, fell into her love's arms. Letting herself be held she cried hard, hot, fat tears onto Lex's shoulder. After another few minutes she started to feel the wet that had seeped into her pants and with her butt now going numb she shivered. "I.. I.. love you too."

Lex finally helped Liv up, and they walked to the room fifteen minutes after she had found her, butt also numb. "Baby, may I?" She asked extra carefully as she reached for the zipper on Olivia's jacket wanting to help her out of it without making things even worse, damn it she had caused all this hurt in the only person she had ever loved. If allowed she would help her out of her jacket, shoes and wet pants, run her a hot shower, and lay out some dry stuff for her to wear.

Liv nodded her answer. She felt Alex take off her jacket, then watched as she hung it up. Next were her shoes, placed along the wall, then she watched as Alex went and started the shower allowing it to heat up as she came back to help with the rest, "uhh. umm, maybe you want to take them off and your top? just leave them in bathroom."

"Yeah," she said making her way into the bathroom, shutting the door.

With Olivia now in the shower warming up, Alex stripped and put on some dry pants as well as taking off her jacket and shoes. She sat on the bed and cried in her hands, her emotions had finally won over, she berated herself for not speaking up sooner, making Liv feel worse, and just maybe like she blamed her for it. She could never think that as with all the victims they worked with she knew the blame was his alone never theirs, and NEVER Liv's.

She stepped out of the shower twenty minutes later, large towel wrapped around her. She walked out and got dressed feeling a bit still on auto pilot, made her way to the bed sitting with Alex.

Alex no longer crying took Liv in her arms, adjusting them both so Liv was now laying on her shoulder as she ran her hands through her hair, thumb on her cheek caressing her softly, "None of this is your fault, you never need to feel as if I'm mad at you for this." Liv nodded, not that she fully believed it, but she was to exhausted to say otherwise, "ok, baby."

Alex and Liv finally fell asleep that way, Alex soothing with her words as Liv snuggled in feeling safe for the first time since she woke up and had told her about it all. for now she was relieved, but who knew how long that would last.

Every hour or so, maybe a bit less, Olivia woke up shaking and scared. She was just sure somewhere in the back of her mind, Alex would leave, decide she wasn't worth the effort, the time, and must find her unlovable. Yeah Alex had said one thing, but Liv knew somewhere she wouldn't just be gone, but her heart hurt, was broken, her soul still broken. She started to wonder why it was so many people thought, just because you let it out and told someone, that it made it all better and go away. just because you told, you finally found the strength to let someone else know, didn't mean it was over, far from it. She watched Alex sleep for a bit and went back to sleep only to wake up an hour later, doing it all over again.

At six am Alex finally got up and started a fire for them, neither had gotten any real sleep, she had felt it each time Liv woke up, and now that she saw she was finally sleeping some, Alex carefully got up to start a fire and make some coffee in the small four cup pot they had in the room. Olivia woke up with another start, the bed felt cold and empty without Alex there. "Lexxy, Lexxy, baby? I'm sorry." Olivia stopped realizing that Alex was only building a fire from the noise in the room. turning over propping herself up on her elbow to watch.

Alex ran over hearing Olivia, "hey, hey, shhh, I'm here, you don't need to be sorry." She leaned in kissing her, their lips meeting tenderly before she pressed in harder, feeling the need to make Olivia safe, even if only with kisses. Olivia leaned into the kiss for a few moments then quickly pulled away, she had shared to much, and was still a bit raw from it all. She got up and when she came back from the bathroom she found Alex in front of the fire, blanket next to her and pillows for them to lay on. she quickly joined her as Alex handed her first some coffee then smoothed the blanket over them both. "Mmmm," she said taking a long sip. They laid there cuddling, Olivia again on Lex's shoulder, Alex was so glad if nothing else, she let her comfort her this way.

**Please as Always R/R**


	8. Turning Point

**Still sadly I own nothing, but if I did...**

Over the next two days they spent a lot of time skiing, playing around in the snow, and up at the lodge. There's something to be said when you can just relax and be a _'ski bunny' _as it were. Alex left alone the topic of what happened, why she had taken off, and how she, Alex had made it worse. That afternoon while in town, Alex had made reservations for dinner at small place that had live jazz singer. As they made their way through little shops, they found one with locally made candles and bath soaps, and other stuff. "Liv, come smell this." Alex found this amazing bath gel that smelled of local flowers and other stuff.

Walking over, a smile on her face she sniffed the gel. "Mmmm, that smells great."

Nodding and picking up some lotion to go with it, they found some candles and a few other things to take back. The next shop they came to was a small consignment shop, as they looked around Alex spotted a small pendant with _'Fearlessness' _on the front and on the back _'Joyful Heat'_, as soon as she saw it she knew she had to get it for her. She slipped it into her bag unnoticed as they left.

"Coffee?" Olivia asked as they passed a little cafe, looking hopeful as she stomach made a small noise.

Nodding with a laugh, "coffee's good, food too from the sound of your stomach."

Olivia grinned sheepishly, "come on, lets see what they got."

Alex walked in finding an empty table with Liv on her heals. They ordered two latte's and a huge cinnamon roll.

As they talked waiting for their order, "thank you," Liv said.

"For what?" Alex asked taking her hand.

"For this, the trip, making me take time off and relax." She sighed as their order arrived. The surroundings were quaint, and peaceful, she really loved this place.

"It was as much for you as for me babe," Alex replied. She had needed this time too, so they could reconnect outside of everything, work, the city, all the stuff that reminded Liv of him.

They ate, then did some more shopping, walking around, spending the rest of the day relaxed. They went to dinner, had Chicken Marsala, and scallopini, and a bottle of white wine. They listened to some great music, shared tiramisu for desert, then headed back.

They spent the last two days of their trip skiing, having a few snowball fights, and lots of time in front of the fireplace. nothing more was said about sealview, or the basement, Alex wanted Liv to talk about it on her terms She kissed Liv passionately several times, and although she did once or twice reach for her face without thinking, always let Liv make the first move.

Once they got back home Liv threw herself into work, acted as if what happened in the cabin had been all she needed. She was forcing herself to prove that she was ok. From Liv's prospective, all she had to do was throw herself into work, and Alex to make it all ok.

After dinner one night, Alex only had two weeks left till she was back at work herself, Olivia decided to prove just how well she was. "Lexxy, baby?"

Lex looked up after clearing the dishes and sitting back down, "hmm?"

"Come here," Liv said leaning over to kiss her, a hard passionate kiss that left Lex's lips tingling, and breathing hard. "Mmm, what was that for?"

Grinning she took her hand leading her to her bedroom, "because your hot."

Alex smirked, "I know." As she followed Liv into the bedroom, Liv seamed only to happy to help her out of her clothes, leaving her boxers and tank on, she placed kisses all over her, as she pushed Lex onto the bed. "Mmmm," She purred on Alex's skin as made her way from her lips to her neck, then traveled further down till she hit her navel, kissing and sucking it teasingly as she went.

Alex stretched and moaned under her, her hands grasping at the bed as she was teased, until finally she couldn't take it anymore. "Livvy, Mmmm," in the heat of the moment she rolled over flipping Liv with her till she was sitting on top of her. Leaning down, kissing Liv deeply, lips pressed hard on her slipping her tongue in, she hadn't ask for permission, not with her eyes, her body language, or her words. "Livvy, baby," she moaned into her kisses.

Lex was making her way down Liv's neck as a sob caught in her throat. She had so wanted to be better, she tried to make herself ok, after only three minutes with tears rolling down her face, she couldn't hold back, struggling to get Alex off her. Pushing hard, her hands trying to pull Alex's head off of her, and with no words able to come out she let out a huge sob, Alex quickly moved off of her. She had felt Liv fight to get her off of her as if her life depended on it. Liv bolted up and into the bathroom locking herself in, shaking, crying, feeling lost and out of control, not something she was proud of.

Lex ran after her, only to have the door slammed in her face. Damn it, Lex thought, _' damn it! I shouldn't have!' _"Livvy, Livvy? please talk to me," she pleaded. She almost wanted to find a way to pick the lock, anything just so she would be able to talk, to comfort her. "Baby, I know what you were trying to do." Sighing, "it's ok, we don't need to do anything till your ready." She sat on the other side of the door talking softly till finally through Olivia's distress she heard the door unlock. Taking a long breath and calming herself she opened the bathroom door to find Liv in a corner her legs pulled up into herself, arms wrapped around them as she rocked back and forth.

"Baby, shhh," Alex said sitting down next to Liv. Liv finally slowed her breathing and her rocking down, her tears now falling steadily, leaning her head after a while onto Alex's shoulder, "I... I'm sorry.. I just thought," She took another deep breath.

Alex smiled down at her, not wanting to make it any worse, but some how always seaming to, "thought what baby?" She was now even more sure Liv would call all the shots, how could she have gotten so careless and did that, forcing kisses and pinning her love down like that? She felt like a monster.

Still leaning on Lexxy and not moving, "I just thought that I could show you I was ok again, things were fine and normal." Sighing, "I just don't want to lose you, I can't be without you." She had felt Lex hated her, even if she never said it out loud, she just knew it. Going on, "I don't want you to see me as damaged, sick, as weak, as disgusting."

Alex finally understood what had been going through her head this whole time, her love thought, she thought that she was disgusting. "Baby, I want you to listen to me, and I need you to hear me, please baby." Alex waited a few moments to make sure Liv was listening, with a huge smile, lips curled up, eyes softer than she had ever had them in her life, but her posture still saying she was Liv's ice queen. She had no plans to let Olivia see anything but love and strength for her, "I could never think you were disgusting, your not sick, or damaged, and most certainly not weak." Holding her in her arms as they talked, "please love, promise me until your ready, you won't try this again for me, I don't ever want to hurt you. There's no need to do this till your sure it's what you want." Alex knew she would be at her side as long as it took to help her.

Olivia cryed her tears out till there was nothing left, she was not at her best, and almost didn't believe it. That was almost, that was untill she looked into her eyes, seeing softness, strength, and love, she finally saw what she couldn't or wouldn't allow herself to see before. Lex didn't find her disgusting, or even sick, not even weak, still she had no idea how to get passed this, maybe just maybe she needed some help. "You need someone that can love you, connect with you in that special way." She started to go on, but Alex stopped her.

Shaking her head, "I have that now, the rest is all a bonus, and it can wait, I love you. Even if it never comes, I'll still love you."

Liv's eye's widened, oh my god she thought, Lex had just melted another defense in her. As long as she was at her side, what harm could talking to someone do? she was out of control and needed to regain some of it. She decided she would make an appointment with someone in the morning. "Really?"

Alex nodded, "really."

She stood up wet a washcloth and kneeling down handed it to Liv. After she had wiped her face she stood up handing it back, walked out of the bedroom to make some tea.

Alex went and remade the bed, changing the sheets and blankets, then headed out to the kitchen to help make tea. "Baby, I'll finish this, go sit." Kissing Livs forehead.

"Thanks baby." Liv kissed her back this time, not worrying.

When Olivia woke up it was early morning, she immediately went to her laptop and did a search, then made an appointment with a female therapist that dealt with assault victims.

**Please as Always R/R the pendent that says fearlessness on front and joyful heart on back, comes from a jewelery store that helps Mariska's foundation, look on the foundations website**


	9. Telling A Stranger

**Still sadly I own nothing, but if I did...**

The week felt like it went on for ever, just having testified on the Silvers case, and with her up coming appointment, she was having a bad week. Eliot started to ask what was going on, since she looked like she hadn't slept in ages, but again like right after she returned from sealview she was on edge and short, "drop it El, nothings wrong." Sighing, "I just didn't get any sleep last night,"

He grinned at her, "so went well last night then." He figured her and Alex had a nice night.

Brushing him off, "nothing happened, just didn't sleep." She hopped he would drop it, if only she though to herself, _'I should be so lucky.'_

He started to say something else, but instead sighed letting it go, he knew he wouldn't get whatever it was out of her. "Ok so what do we have on the new case? I like the sister for it, but can't find anything on her, not even an old parking ticket."

Shaking her head, Olivia had nothing either, the case was turning up dead end after dead end, no new leads and nothing tying the sister, other than her affair with the brothers girlfriend. "So far her story checks out, was seen leaving the bar well after time of death, but I have the feeling she left and came back, there's an hour unaccounted for."

It was the night before her first appointment, Alex had decided to order out, since neither felt like cooking, she smiled over at Liv while looking through menu's. "What do you feel like baby?" nothing really caught her eye in the way of food yet.

"Just pick something, anything I don't care." she answered. Olivia hadn't told Alex of her appointment, and was not only on edge, but very short with her. Her arms were wrapped around herself under a blanket on the couch absently staring at some tv show she wasn't even interested in. Her mind was a million miles away, she knew she was picking a fight, but at that point she didn't care.

Lex looked up at her over the menus a bit surprised, it had been a while since they had fought, and didn't have a clue why she was being so short tempered. "hey no need to get huffy, what's going on?" Running her hand through her hair she waited for some explanation. She knew the week had been long, but what the hell, she had only asked about dinner.

"Nothing, everything is fine." She looked right at her as if to say don't push me. "Chinese, General Tao's chicken, I'm going for a shower." She stood up and walked out of the room before Alex could say more.

Lex sat there watching her walk off, not sure what just happened, but was to late now to ask. "Ok, chinese it is." She went to the phone placed the order making sure to get some egg rolls, and egg drop soup as well, and a few almond cookies, they were the best in her opinion. Sitting back down she ran though the events of the day in her mind, what was it making Liv so short and on edge? Oh well, she would find out later.

By the time Liv was out of the shower and dressed, Alex was flipping channels waiting on the food. Sitting down, "so what's this one about?" She asked motioning to the show, it was some comedy Alex seamed to enjoy.

"Not sure, just started." Alex smiled at her, flashing her one of her patented I know this melts you smiles. "So what's wrong love, want to talk about it?" She was really hopping Liv would tell her as she opened herself up so Liv could come snuggle with her.

Liv curled up on her side of the couch, not into Alex, as Alex would have liked, feeling a bit hurt, but brushed it off. She knew there would be times Olivia couldn't have handled being touched, but till now it hadn't come, something was up, but knowing Liv as she did, she knew she wouldn't get anything out of her. Liv covered herself again with the blanket, "If they took any longer, we could have traveled to china for dinner instead." she said irritatedly.

Alex looked over at Liv raising an eyebrow, not sure if she should say anything or let it be, then if as on que, the buzzer went off. It had only been an hour and the food was finally here. Standing up to get the door, she let them in after finding out who it was and when the guy left, nice tip in hand as well, she set about placing the food on the coffee table.

After a silent dinner, Olivia cleaned up still looking pensive and not talking to her. Alex finally decided to speak up, "hey gonna tell me what it is?"

"What, what is?" Olivia said sitting back down trying not to have this conversation, she didn't want to tell her about tomorrow, or her feelings, it was one thing she had told Alex, but talking to a stranger, that was something she knew she had to do, but definitely didn't want to.

"What this is, your attitude, the fact that your barely talking to me, that you sit there looking pissed off." So it had been a long week, so what, _'I'm your girlfriend.' _she though to herself, she has no need to be this short with me.

Sighing, trying to be softer, "there's no attitude, just a long week. can we leave it alone now?" She tried to be softer, but it still came out all wrong, and ended up sounding harsh.

"Whatever, I'm not going to fight, don't tell me." She flipped the channel again, finding some music channel to listen to, she picked a book up and started reading.

"I'm going to bed." Olivia said finally, she was glad the issue was dropped but was still on edge, and her mood showed no signs of letting up. Still she kissed Alex's forehead and walked into her room, grateful other than the trip and the second night she still slept alone.

"Night," Lex said feeling frustrated as she watched Liv go.

That night Olivia had the worst of her worst nightmares, she woke up drenched in sweat, shaking, and hardly able to lay still. She got up took a really long shower scrubbing herself four times before the water was cold, and she got out. it was 3am and she knew she wouldn't sleep, she got onto her laptop, trying to distract herself, without much success. After surfing a few sites, she found some online game she would have never played but tried to keep herself from changing her mind about her appointment.

The next day, showered changed and out the door before Alex was even up, she had made her appointment early. Giving her name to the receptionist, taking a seat not sure what she really expected out of this. The therapist walked out introducing herself, "hi I'm Samantha, call me Sam." They walked into her office, as she told Olivia to take a seat anywhere she wanted.

Olivia took a seat wringing her hands, somewhat sweaty, and sat there for what felt like forever, she hated why she was here and didn't know what to say. "Why don't we start with you asking me some questions, so you can get to know me a bit," Sam suggested.

Olivia liked the idea nodding as she asked a few easy questions, where she went to school, why she took up being a therapist, and a few other questions. Finally, after they talked a bit and a long pause Olivia asked the big one, "Why this particular one, why do you want to work with assault victims?" Sam smiled at her as she answered, "I got into this after my attack." Olivia's eyes widened for a moment letting it sink in, so this was why, but then nodding, at least she would understand. "It was, fifteen years ago." Sam went on then let it go. She didn't need to give more details, but she never hid this fact from her patients.

Olivia took another few moments before speaking again. "Well, I don't feel as if I deserve to be here, it came so close, he had it right there, if Fin... I wasn't even Rap-" she paused not sure she had the rights to call herself a victim, she always went back and forth in her head on that issue.

"Olivia, you were sexually assaulted, you have every right to be here." Sam said easily, but determined to make sure she knew she meant it.

"I know that," she said tapping her forehead. "I know that here," then tapping her heart, "but not here."

Sam nodded, as they talked a few more minutes then time was up, "how does coming back next week sound? there is also a group for assault victims I would like you to check out." Olivia nodded, agreeing to come back and to try the group at least once, if she didn't like it, she wouldn't be back she thought to herself.

After leaving the office, appointments in hand stopped for coffee before heading to work.

She went home around 7pm stopping off to pick up flowers for Alex, she felt bad for taking out her frustrations out on her the night before. "Hi Love," she said walking in with the tulips Alex loved, she knew they were her favorite. "Sorry about yesterday, was just a long week."

Alex took the flowers smiling as she smelled them, then put them in some water. "It's ok baby." She went over kissing Liv loving the flowers and taking the peace offering.

They spent the night cuddling, talking, and just enjoyed the light conversation, nothing heavy was talked about, and Liv didn't tell her about the appointment, she would wait for a while. she didn't know how to say I need help and you can't be there for it all.

**Please as Always R/R**


	10. Not Again

**Still sadly I own nothing, but if I did...** **and on another note, I finally made it so anyone can review, so don't forget... thanks!**

With one case over, and another one still with no leads, Olivia sat at her desk going over photos trying to find something that would help. Maybe there was something they had missed, there had to be. Still throwing herself as much as she could into her work, she was keeping her mind off of things with it. By 9:30pm she was still hard at work trying to find something to help break the case, Cragen walking out of his office seeing her at another late night, since he knew she had spent the night before till well after 3am on it, and had been back at work by seven. "Liv go home, I don't want to see you again till wednesday. your to take tomorrow off, you look like hell, get some rest." He said plainly.

She started to say something, but before she could get a word out, "this isn't up for debate detective, go home." She didn't want to just go but had no choice, grabbing her jacket, "yeah ok, see you later Capt." she said walking past him and out the door.

Just about home having walked to clear her head, felt her hand balled up in a fist. She hadn't even realized it, but looking down feeling frustrated, and angry, got the sudden urge to let out some of her frustration. Walking into the alley next to their apartment, she punched the side of her apartment building as hard as she could. she was sick of feeling like this, hopeless one day, helpless on the days she had therapy at not being able to just be over it, and needing to be there. Group sessions were bad, she hated going even if she liked some of the people, she never really felt she deserved to be there. they were real victims, she wasn't. She punched the wall a few more times, then took to bashing the back of her hand and wrist into it.

Twenty minutes later out of breath, and steam she heard her phone ring. Reaching into her jacket with her other hand for her phone, "Benson" she said harshly.

"Liv?" Alex had called to see where she was, since she had called the station and had been told she had left to go home, and that was now forty minutes ago. "I called the station, they said you left a while ago, are you ok?" She was worried.

"I'm fine I just needed a walk, be home soon." Ok so that wasn't the truth, but what was she going to say? _'I couldn't take it, I got frustrated and beat the crap out of my arm.' _No she left all that out as she looked at her hand that was now swelling, and would be bruised for sure, maybe even broken.

"You sure that's all baby?" Alex wasn't buying it, she heard the tone in her voice.

Olivia huffed back, "yes I'm sure, look love you, be home soon."

Alex shook her head at the phone, not that Liv could see it, "ok baby, love you too, see you soon." ending the call as she went back to her book.

By now you could see the bruises starting to appear on her arm, and it had swelled up even more. Also there was a big bump on the back of her wrist and hand, she had really done a number on it. Olivia leaned against the wall next to a trash bin taking a few deep breaths steadying herself, finally feeling a bit calmer with the pain setting in, it was as if this was what she deserved, Under normal circumstances she would never think like this, but she also felt at least this she had some control over. She caused this pain, not Harris, not El with all his questions she hated him asking, not the Capt, telling her to go home, no this was something she did to herself, she controlled this, she finally had some control.

As she stood there looking down the alley way, she hadn't heard him, or what hit her. She felt everything spinning around her as she fell to the ground, just as she passed out she felt a tug on her pants.

Two hours later Alex paced back and forth calling Liv's phone with no answer, leaving yet another message worried about her, she finally called Elliot. "El, has Olivia called you?" She sounded worried and scared, not like her usual self. "no why. Alex?"

Elliot had no idea what was going on, but went on to tell her the Capt. had sent her home and told her not to be back till the day after tomorrow.

"El, I talked to her a few hours ago, said she needed a walk." Alex by now was throwing on her jacket and racing out the door. "She never came back, I'm going to see if I can find her."

Olivia came to with him on top of her, pants around her ankles, underwear torn off and her legs bruised and sore. The man took her gun, tossing it in the trash, only after hitting her again, this time with it. Told her how good she was while laughing before running away. Groaning, not able to get up she started crying.

"What, she never got home? I'll be right there meet you outside we'll find her Alex." He hung up told the Capt. and ran. Alex was out side when Elliot pulled up, he jumped out of the car running towards Alex as they both heard what sounded like strangled cry's from the alley way.

Alex was the first to make it around the corner into the alley, dropping her phone yelling, "El, over here hurry!" She ran to Olivia's side, dropping to her knees as she wrapped Olivia up in her arms, "call a bus NOW!" Her tears spilled down her face as Elliot came running to see what it was, he called for a bus and went looking around for any signs of things.

Olivia was laying there with blood between her legs, and on her face pouring down from the cuts on her head having been hit twice. She looked so defeated, the voice in her head saying _'why didn't you just kill me?'_ she almost wanted to die, it had happened again, and this time it was because she had been so busy beating the crap out of herself, she hadn't even paid attention to who and what was around her. "Al.. Alex?" she whimpered, her chest heaved as she tried to catch her breath. Elliot found her gun in the trash, just as the EMT's got there and were looking her over. They got her into the ambulance, Alex climbed up still holding her hand not letting go to ride along.

Elliot told her not to worry. "I'll let the captain know what's going on and meet you there." Nodding as they shut the doors and sped off.

"Elliot bring her gun in, we'll dust it for prints and see if he's in the system." Cragen was pissed, not only was Liv like a daughter to him, but one of his detectives had been hurt, and after sealview, this would not be good. "On my way captain, and whatever he hit her with he took with him, looked like she was hit twice."

Alex paced back and forth in the waiting room, wishing she could be in there with Olivia. Cursing under breath that she should be with her, but Olivia had been adamant about not wanting her there, for Olivia's part, she didn't want Alex to know she had beaten the crap out of herself, and that's why she had been attacked. if she hadn't been so busy beating herself up she would have paid better attention to what was going on around her, and not been in that alley. "El, they are looking at her now." Elliot nodded as he put an arm around Alex trying to help, he hated to see her hurting, and knowing his partner had been attacked again.

"Damn it," he shook his head, he wondered why the hell she was in the alley just hanging out, when she should have been up stairs in her apartment with Alex. "Did she tell you anything, like why she was just hanging in the alley?"

Alex looked at him sadly, "no, I didn't ask, she's to out of it."

Nodding, "we will have to try and ask her later, they told you anything?"

"Not yet, but she has two bumps on the head, one from her gun causing the most blood, and clue what else she was hit with." Her eyes filled with tears, shaking her head as she thought, _'I wasn't here to help her last time when she was attacked, now again all I can do is hope she talks to me about it.'_

A doctor in a white lab coat and clip board in hand walk up to the pair smiling as she introduced herself, "Hi, I'm Dr. Martian, your here for Ms. Benson?"

Both nodding quickly, "I'm Alex, and this is her partner Elliot." They took turns shaking her hand.

She filled them in on what happened, "well he tore her up pretty good, we had to stitch her up, looks like he used some sort of wood, she had a few splinters left inside." then explained while it had been small, it was heavy and had also been what he had hit her with, what they didn't know was how her arm got broken, it seamed it was a few hours earlier that it was injured.

Alex's heart broke hearing all that happened, El looked sick and like he wanted to shoot someone, "can we see her?"

Dr. Martian nodded, "you can, but only one of you can stay for now, she needs her rest, and I need to tell you she's been sedated, she's not completely out of it, but she is on heavy meds for the pain." turning to take them to the room, "she will need to stay over night for observation, she can go home tomorrow."

Alex held on to Elliot as they walked to her room. She needed to steady herself before seeing Liv.

Elliot kept his arm around her till they were just outside her room. "Alex, you ok? she's going to need you more than anyone." Alex nodded taking a deep breath calming herself and wiping the tears from her eyes, "yeah." Elliot nodded, "ok I'll only stop in then I'm going to see if they got anything off her gun."

Alex walked in first, sitting next to Olivia's bed speaking softly as to not scare her, "Liv honey, it's just me." Olivia wouldn't look at her, kept her face to the side and curled up in ball trying to make herself as small as she could despite her injuries. "Liv, El's here is it ok if he just comes in for a moment? He's worried about you too."

Olivia nodded slowly, not wanting him to see her like this, but couldn't come up with the words she needed to say anything. "Ok honey, I'll tell him to come in." Alex got up and let him in.

Elliot walked in smiling as he went to sit at the end of her bed in the extra chair, he talked to her for a few moments without getting her to say anything, looking to Alex he got up squeezed her shoulder, "she'll be ok, I am going to go see if they got anything off the gun."

Once Elliot was out of the room Olivia turned over, with her arm casted and legs bruised up so bad it took her a while to get comfortable again. she was medicated, but still winced. "I'm... I.. I'm sorry, so sorry." she was sobbing into her pillow.

Alex took her none injured hand, "shhh, you didn't do anything, I'm right here, I'm not leaving you." she reached out to wipe Olivia's tears away with her thumb, her heart broke just looking at her.

Olivia flinched as her thumb touched her face, but then relaxed into it, "it.. it.. it hurts." she cried into her pillow.

Alex looked worried, "what hurts baby?"

"My head, and down there." She said looking down with her eyes.

"Baby do you remember what happened?" Alex wondered just how much she remembered.

Slowly shaking her head, "nnn... no, just that when I came to someone was on top of me saying..." Her voice trailed off.

"Saying what baby?" Alex encouraged her to go on.

Olivia starred at her blankly, "hold me?" she pleaded, the vacant look never leaving her eyes.

**Please as Always R/R**


	11. Fearlessness

**Still sadly I own nothing, but if I did...**

Alex slipped off the bed where she had been holding Olivia, she slipped out careful not to wake her up. Making her way out of the hospital and ran a few places, she picked up all of Olivia's favorite stuff, and a huge teddy bear. When she made her way home she set up the apartment so that it was perfect for when they got home. She set the teddy bear on the couch and put the food and other stuff away. Alex made the house just right, flowers all over the place and even had some movies ready to go, she had no idea what Olivia would want to do, sleep, rest, or just tune the world out, she only hopped she wasn't part of the world that would be tuned out. She got back into Olivia's room just as she woke up.

Olivia woke up covered in sweat panting heavily, eyes wide, she heard in her head that laugh, _'you're so good' _the voice said. "No, STOP! STOP! don't." Alex ran over, "it's just a dream, no ones here. it's ok." She said soothingly.

Grabbing for her hand, Olivia tried to still her breathing, "just a dream, just a dream." Alex nodded kissing her forehead, "just a dream, your safe now, no one will hurt you." Alex gently took her thumb wiping away her loves tears.

Olivia sighed leaning back on the pillow as best she could with the knot on her head, she hadn't wanted to be touched, or even looked at, but as she sat there with Alex, all she could do was pray to herself she didn't push Alex away. Not sure exactly what she wanted, but knowing she needed Alex with her. "I... I'm sorry," she said burying her face in her good arm, draping it over.

"Shhh, it's ok, nothing to be sorry for." Alex soothed her. Alex came and sat next to her wrapping her arms around Olivia, making sure to not hold to tightly.

Dr. Martian came in half an hour later, and talked to them both. She gave Alex some discharge instructions, and said she would get the nurse to help them. Olivia looked good and was able to go home. Olivia was more than happy to get out of there, she hated being in the hospital, and only wanted to go home, maybe never leave again. Her arm was broken, she couldn't walk well, and just wanted to curl up and hide. "Ok, so unless you have any problems, your good to go, just make sure you follow up in two weeks." Alex assured her, she would see to it, and thanked her for everything.

"Baby, lets get you dressed and we can get you home." Olivia agreed quickly as the nurse came in and undid her IV, gave paperwork to be signed, and left once she had what she needed. "Ok," Olivia said, letting Alex help her dress in some sweats, not really wanting the help but not able to do it on her own. Alex paid the cab and helped Olivia out of it slowly making their way upstairs. Unlocking the door and leading Olivia inside, she hopped she would like what she had done, she didn't mean to try so hard, but since this was another attack, she just wanted Olivia to feel as safe as she could.

Olivia, winced as she sat down on the couch, her breath catching from the pain, she hated herself and what happened. How could she be so stupid, how could she not be more aware of what was around her? Absently she grabbed the teddy bear, curling it into her body she held it tightly, her tears now falling unchecked but silently. Alex moved to the kitchen making them some tea and then some toast. If she was lucky she could get Olivia to eat something small. She brought Olivia the tea and toast and then got her own, "peppermint love." Olivia nodded taking a sip but not touching the toast. "Not hungry." she said.

Alex brushed away Olivia's tears again, opening herself up, "it's ok love, maybe later." Olivia moved into Alex's arms allowing herself to be wrapped up, still so unsure of what she wanted and needed. Alex kissed her forehead, but pulled back instantly as Olivia flinched at the gentle kiss, it was one thing to let herself be held, but even the small loving gesture of a kiss was now to much. "Don't," was all that was said, as Alex leaned back her head wondering if she would be allowed to ever kiss her again.

A few hours later, Olivia woke up again drenched in sweat and pushing on Alex to get away, "honey, honey, wake up." Alex tried to wake her up. "Not good, not good." Olivia was saying, eyes flying open bear still in hands being squished to death.

"Your ok, it's just a dream." Alex soothed, when Olivia was calm again, she took a few deep breaths, "hey, hey, whats not good?" Olivia shook her head not wanting to answer, but then surprised herself with the words she found, "he,,, hee... he said how good I was." Alex cringed to herself making sure Olivia never saw her face, she was so pissed, this man had hurt Olivia, and made it even worse saying that, Olivia may never feel good that way without hearing him now. "Baby, how about a movie? and I'll fix some dinner." Olivia nodded picking one out as Alex put it in then headed to the kitchen.

Olivia couldn't turn off the flashbacks or the pain she had, kicking herself mentally for not being able to remember just what happened to her, she knew the physical pain, but had no Idea just what caused it. All she did know was something was used, but no one had said what, why couldn't she remember? her pain was evident every time you looked at her, sad mocha eyes, as big as world. when they finally went to bed, Alex thought she would end up in her room alone, but was surprised, "Alex, please stay with me?"

"Are you sure baby?" Olivia nodded, "don't leave me please, I.. I.. I can't..." Can't what, she didn't know, she had been fighting back and forth with herself all night over being held, or pushing her away. "Don't leave me." she almost begged, Alex nodded her heart breaking for her love. she took her hand leading her into the bedroom, pulling the cover back and tucking her in before making her way to the other side to hold her.

It was about two weeks later Alex decided to ask about her arm, she had never gotten out of her head what the Dr. had said about it being done before the attack, Maybe she had tripped or something, but what if she had hurt herself? Alex's mind had kept going over what could have happened. "Honey?" putting her book down, looking into her loves eyes. Olivia was lost in thought again, pulled back by Alex's voice, "yea love?"

"How did you hurt your arm?" She wanted to say I know it was before the attack, but didn't want to press anything and put Olivia on the defensive. watching her softly making sure not to seam like she was after a fight or anything.

Olivia didn't want to answer, she thought for a long few moments of how to get around it, "I don't know. why?" ok so it wasn't the truth, but she couldn't bring herself to tell Alex. "The Dr. said it was before everything else." She said hopping to get her to open up. "Nnn... nnoo. no, look I don't know, drop it already." Olivia had taken to holding her bear more and more and was now squeezing it in her hands, tears now falling on it, not that she cared, just so long as Alex dropped it. "Baby talk to me please?"

Olivia shook her head got up and left the room, she was pushing her away, and hating herself for it. why did she need to push and pull on Alex so much? one minute it was don't leave me, hold me, sleep with me, the next she was storming out on her.

Alex sighed, knowing she wouldn't get anything out of her watching as she left. Standing up, Alex went to her room got the pendent she had bought on their trip, opening the box looking at it, _'fearlessness'_. she brought the pendant with her as she picked up pen and paper.

Making some soup and garlic bread for dinner, Alex took it into Olivia on a tray along with the necklace and what she had wrote. After they had eaten, Alex handed her the box and poem. "I wanted to show you what I see in your eyes, even if you don't right now." Alex was not her usual ice queen self, but again she was getting mushy, there was a time and place for hard ice queen, and this just wasn't it.

Olivia took the box and poem slowly reading it before opening the box as tears spilled out, Alex once again moving walls she was desperately trying to build.

Fearlessness

Here you are feeling tattered and torn,

Used and worn,

Feeling broken and scared.

Here you are feeling sad and mad,

Angry and hurt,

Feeling used and abused.

Here you are feeling small and fear,

Anxious and crazy,

Feeling pain and hopeless.

Here I am looking at you seeing light and love,

Bravery and strength,

Seeing silly and curious.

Here I am looking at you seeing heart and soul,

Joyful and proud

Seeing amazing and wonderful.

Here I am looking at you seeing lovable and worthy,

Kindness and excitement,

Seeing fearlessness and shyness.

What I see most is you, my heart and soul, the one I adore.

I love you baby, I feel a strength in you, I know you can't in yourself right now.

You are my light, and till you can do for yourself, I will be there, showing you, opening my arms, and loving you.

I only want you to know the fearlessness I see in you, and the amazing strength I see you show daily.

**Please as Always R/R**


	12. Letting Her In

**Still sadly I own nothing, but if I did...**

**I did some research, and yes some of you were worried when Liv was attacked again, but the reason I did it, was after doing research, I found out once someone is sexually assulted they are 7 times more likely to be attacked again.**

Two weeks had gone by, Olivia was no longer so hyped up on pain meds, and with the medicated fog clearing in head she was back to more nightmares. She hated the nightmares, and worse this time, she couldn't even throw herself into her work, she still had six weeks off. She had been back to see the DR. but that only created more issues, she had flashbacks and nightmares of the rape kit. A four to six hour exam to collect evidence. It was almost worse than the attack itself, for her like most of the victims she worked with, it was like it happened again. As she laid in bed, covers up to her neck, she could feel them, "whats wrong with me? I've seen so many of these done, guess now I know why so many women refuse it,_' it's almost worse than the attack.'_

"Olivia," Alex called out hearing her sobs. She ran into the bedroom comforting her, "shhh, it's ok, it's ok."

Shaking her head, her body was frozen, and she was having problems, how could it be ok? In four weeks she had to go back for another check up, just to be sure she had no STI's, oh god, what if it wasn't just the thick wooden handle, what if he had used himself first? "nn.. no, it's not."

Alex laied down next to her, hand running through her hair, "shhh, baby, why is it not ok?"

Fingering her pendent, feeling each engraved letter on front and back of it, "what if... what if he, well if he didn't just use the wood?" she was praying Alex would understand.

Alex wrapped her up making sure she didn't feel trapped as she kissed the top of her head.

Olivia curled up into Alex head had on her chest, taking some comfort in the closeness, for once since this had happened, she let Alex in, even if only to hold her. Soon as her breathing evened out, Olivia fell back to sleep. Alex stroked her hair, watching her sleep, and finally got some rest at 5am.

Alex woke up first, it was 11am, Olivia had slept restlessly but had not woken up, her first real sleep. It had not been restful, but she had slept without waking. Extracting herself carefully she got up, watched Olivia sleep for a few more minutes, then headed into the kitchen.

Olivia woke up about 30 minutes later, not feeling all that rested, but a bit better not having awoke in screams or flashbacks, _'maybe just maybe, things will get better.' _she thought. Upon thinking some more on it, she realized that having Alex sleep with her and hold her, had made her feel safe. That poem, and the pendant, small tokens of thought, but to Olivia they had moved some walls. over the last two weeks she had read the poem so much, she had it down pat. She would recite it to herself in times of great need, when Alex wasn't around, and it was as if Alex was right there with her. Padding into the kitchen, she yawned smelling french toast and coffee being made, "Mmm baby that smells amazing."

Looking up as she flipped a piece over, "morning love, think you'll want to try and eat this morning?" she kissed Olivia's forehead going back to the stove.

"I think I can try," she said. This was starting out as one of her better days. Alex nodded as she moved the slices of french toast onto the two plates sitting on the counter, putting the pan in the sink she took both plates to the table. Olivia filled two cups up with coffee and joined her.

After breakfast, more coffee in hand they moved to the couch, Olivia took a deep breath willing her nerves to stay silent. Opening her mouth only to shut it again, she finally gave up but allowed herself to snuggle into Alex, maybe she couldn't talk just yet, but she wanted to be closer to her.

Feeling the sudden change in movement Alex opened her arm to allow Liv in, kissing her head with a smile, "I love you Livvy, you are my fearless one." she said into her hair.

A few days later, almost a week Olivia decided she needed to get out of the house. She got up showered, and found a long sleeved t-shirt, as well as a hoodie, putting on jeans as well, still wishing she could add another few layers. She only wanted to wear everything she owned to make it harder for anyone to rip stuff off of her, just in case. She quickly put on her shoes and left before she lost her nerve.

Alex stirred in bed but went quickly back to sleep once she thought she had imagined all the noise in the house.

Olivia took the three blocks to the store walking as fast as she could, she was starting to hyperventilate, and panic was setting in. She was afraid she would loose her nerve and freak out in public. Soon as she got there, she made her way into the bathroom, locking the door just before she totally lost it. She stood over the sink wetting her face taking a few measured breaths, calming herself down, _'Come on Liv you can do this, just here to get some picnic stuff.'_

Alex woke up finding the house empty. "Livvy? baby you here?" maybe she had taken to the shower, she walked in to her bedroom listening for the shower, but not hearing it. The apartment wasn't all big, where was she? Alex went to dress so she could look for her when the door opened, "Baby where were you? I was worried." Alex ran out to hug her as Olivia set the stuff on the coffee table.

"Sorry guess I forgot to leave a note, but get dressed love, I have a surprise." She pushed Alex towards her room as she tried to look into the bag.

"Ok, ok, I'm going." she rolled her eyes and left the room. When she dressed, she grabbed a jacket as Liv took grabbed a blanket and the bag, locking the door behind them.

They spread out the blanket near the water, unpacked the bag, sandwiches, tea, chips, and some fruit. All of it made for a perfect picnic, as Olivia leaned in to kiss Alex, she smiled curling her body into Alex's. Alex held Olivia close feeling like the luckiest woman on earth, yes things were bad right now, but she still had her love. Her Livvy had not run off, and had recently been showing small signs of letting her in. "I was going to therapy, you know, before this." Liv said so quietly it was almost a whisper and Alex had to strain to hear her. "you were?"

Alex was shocked, not that she thought it wasn't a good idea, but thought she would have told her. once she had learned about her going undercover at the prison, she wanted to talk to her and see if she'd be willing to do so, but she never found the opportunity to.

"Yea, I didn't know how to tell you." she spoke up a bit this time, but was now waging an inner war with herself, if she kept on talking Alex would want to know why, and she was supposed to the be strong one. Not the one falling apart, not like the week before last she thought, when she hadn't even been able to say where it hurt. 'It hurts, down there.' she remembered saying, crap, she felt small like a child. maybe Alex wont ask why.

Alex looked down at her Livvy, she wanted to ask why, but should she? Maybe asking was pushing it, she noticed Olivia looking up at her, bending down to kiss her, "How come? I hope you know you can tell me anything." Trying not to look hurt blinking back the tears, she failed.

Olivia felt her heart sink some as she kicked herself mentally for not saying it sooner, tears spilling out, but what could she say, _'hey guess what, I'm so weak I can't let you in and tell you?'_

Alex saw the tears, "it's ok shhh, I understand, you tell me this stuff only when your ready." She would make sure she didn't push, and realized as soon as she saw the tears she had gone to far. She really did now mean what she said. it had taken only one moment to see the look her loves eyes, and her tears to realize she had no rights to be upset, her Livvy was going to need to go slow and only when she was ready to tell things would she. Alex knew she had to stop guessing herself, and asking to much.

Finally seeing Liv was able to leave the house Alex knew it was time to get back to work, That next friday night after dinner she brought it up with her, "baby I'm going back to work monday. I know we said I might wait, but I feel it's time, I need to get back."

Since the attack in the alley, Liv hadn't spent more than half an hour away from her Lexxy, and now worry etched her face, she couldn't imagine not having her there all day. Being on her own, without Alex around all day, scared her. Trying not seam worried about being alone during the day, "ok love, I know we talked about it. if you feel it's time then go." She hopped Alex wouldn't push like she had the other day at the park.

Alex noticed the worry but never said anything, Olivia was not a child. How ever hard this was, she had to show her she believed in her, and that she knew she would be ok, because she did believe that. she knew Livvy would be ok. "It will be ok."

Nodding as she sensed Lex had so much faith in her, she was not about to let her down, but since she wouldn't be around all day anymore, Livvy wanted, no needed to have her as close as she could at night, speaking in barely a whisper, "would you start sleeping with me? at night I mean." she looked down afraid Alex might not want to, maybe she liked having her own bed these days, Liv after all had done such a good job pushing and pulling her maybe she'd say no.

Alex shook her head with a playful grin, "hmm sleep at night with you? as in every night, hold you?" she was shaking her head no but her face was lit up as if it were christmas day and she just gotten the pony she had always wanted.

Liv swatted her arm, "yea, like that. what do you say councilor?: Liv's eyes were almost dancing the worry from her face now gone.

"well detective, if you want me to do that, I'll need it in writing." she joked with a nod of her head.

Olivia, brushed her hand gently over Alex's face and kisses her softly, the writing being sealed in the small soft romantic kiss they shared.

It was a hard road for them both, but Liv had just let her in yet again.

**Please as Always R/R, I'd like 5 reviews at least before I update thanks. **

**As for the rape kit taking 4 to 6 hours I researched that too, and to get the full exam done in the kit it really does take 4 to 6 hours, and is really that hard on people, so why shouldn't it be on poor Liv too.**


	13. Back To Work

**Still sadly I own nothing, but if I did...**

The alarm went off at 6am blaring Alex out of her sleep, she reached over turned it off and carefully extracted herself from her sleeping detective. Sitting up she watched her sleep a few minutes then padded her way to the bathroom starting the shower, and getting ready for her first day back at work. After she was was all ready she ran down their favorite diner picking up some breakfast to go. Olivia woke up just as Alex got back with coffee, egg sandwiches made on bagels, and a chocolate chip muffin in hand.

"Mmmmm," Olivia moaned taking the coffee and looking at the food, she didn't want Alex going to work, but knew she had to let her go, she had to be strong.

Alex leaned over kissing her softly, "good morning love." Alex read her face, she knew what she had to do, she wanted to work and knew she couldn't be Olivia's crutch forever she would need to stand up on her own at some point.

Alex helped Olivia clean up from breakfast, then after Olivia showered, needing no help other than with her broken arm, she got her stuff together and at 8am finally kissed Olivia goodbye.

Olivia at first was ok flipping channels finding a music music channel and picking up a book. She read for a while before she heard a loud bang outside, jumping fifty feet out of her seat, she ran to the window to see what was up. Looking out the window she saw it was just the garbage truck setting back down an empty bin. She slid down the wall pulled her knees up into herself, wrapping her arms around her legs rocking back and forth. 'Come on Liv, you can do this.' It was only 9:30am and already she was falling apart it seamed. twenty minutes later, tears stinging her eyes, she made her way to the couch and was determined to read and be ok.

Alex was was knee deep in paperwork, her first day back and they already had her swamped with cases. Not having looked up since she set foot in her office, she finally looked up at 1pm when she decided she needed lunch. Picking up a greek salad from the deli next to the office she, called Liv to see how she was, "hi love." Alex said as she heard Olivia pick up on the second ring.

Taking a few deep breathes as she read her caller id seeing it was Alex, not wanting her breathing or voice to give anything away. "Hi baby." Olivia leaned back on the couch as they talked for a few, she told her about the book she was reading, and said she was fine.

Alex raised an eyebrow, not that it could be seen over the phone, but she knew Olivia well, and could tell from the hitch in her voice not all was ok. "Are you really ok? want to talk to me?"

Olivia sighed into the phone sounding a bit annoyed, "it's fine, I'm fine really, look just go back to work, I'll see you when you get home."

Alex dropped it knowing she wouldn't get anything out of her, and didn't want to fight. "ok I should be home around seven, dinner then, if you like."

"Ok sounds good love." she said and hung up before Alex could say anything more. She grabbed her lap top brought it to the couch and decided find something to do on it before she went nuts. She had already paced the house a few times that morning, was jumpy, but had not totally fallen apart. Olivia also called and with a huge breath she had been holding called Sam's office, "hi my names, Olivia Benson and I'm a patient, I need an appointment for as soon as possible." She spit it out to the receptionist, and was given one for friday at 2pm.

At 5pm Olivia woke up having dozed off while on her lappy. She stretched, yawned, and headed to the kitchen to make some tea. Sitting on the couch peppermint tea in hand, she had a flashback, she was back in the alley, she hadn't seen him but had felt the blow to the head knocking her out. Her breathing was shallow, the expression on her face was one of fear, and pain, as if she was being hit again. She then saw herself start to wake up as he was using the wooden jamming it inside of her, she cried out, but no sounds would come out. she heard him again, _'damn your good.' _her flash back ended, she sat there numb on the couch. Her hands shaking, she finally knew more of what happened.

Alex left the office twenty minutes to seven, packed up a few files to go over that she had to be in court for, then headed out catching a cab home. Olivia hadn't heard her come home, she jumped out of her seat as Alex said hi and went to kiss her. "No, don't," she shrieked before realizing it was Alex, and relaxing visibly. Alex sat down, placing her stuff on the table, "sorry love, didn't mean to scare you, you ok?"

Olivia shook it off, sighing, "yea fine, just didn't hear you come in." Alex raised her brow at her, but decided not to say anything just yet. "so how did it go, were you ok alone?"

"Yea, I just said I was fine, you think I need a keeper?"

"No, no," Alex said, "just thought you might want to talk was all."

"No I don't want to talk if I do I will." Olivia stood up went into the kitchen and started some soup for dinner. She took out two bowls, placing some bread in the oven to heat, filling the bowls with soup once it was ready, she then got the bread out and brought it to the table.

Alex had gone and changed into shorts and a tank top, having had a quick shower, and was just making her way out when dinner was ready. "thanks love, smells great." She wasn't planning on taking any bait to fight with her, knowing at times like this Olivia was out for a fight, she only wished she knew why.

Alex was now into the swing of things, work was hectic, but she loved it, she lived for the court room, and putting the bad guys away, nailing a perp who had hurt his daughter, or the mother that had abused her son and was now going away for 25 to life. Running into the bull pen she dropped off three warrants, one for a perp's apartment, one for his office, and his warehouse. she then turned on her heals and left, She was running late to see Olivia, they were going to lunch, and then Olivia had said she had somewhere to be.

When the waitress left the table, their order in hand, Alex leaned back smiling, this was their first lunch out since she had gone back to work, and it was friday, she actually had the weekend off, for once she wasn't due in court on monday, all she really needed to do was go over some cases, and could do that at home. "Where do you have to be after this?" she asked with hope of being let in.

"I'm going to see Sam, I have an appointment." Olivia said without looking up, her eyes fixed on her drink, she didn't want to say more because she knew Alex wanted to know how her hand had gotten broken. Alex wracked her brain for a moment, she didn't know a Sam, "Sam? who's that love?"

Olivia waited as the waitress came back placing their food down, Olivia's grilled tuna and cheese with fries, and Alex's BLT with coleslaw, refilling their drinks as well she finally left. "She's... She's my therapist." Alex smiled picking up half her sandwich nodding, "do you need a ride? I can drop you off before heading to the office."

"No, I'll catch a cab, it's fine."

half her sandwich gone and most of her drink later, "so what happened to your arm?" she really wanted to know, and prayed Olivia would finally tell her. "I don't remember," Olivia tried to say.

"That's crap, tell me." Alex was not going to let up, not this time.

Olivia's face hardened and eye went red, she was starting to seethe inside, "fine you want to know? here, I broke it, I hit it against the apartment building, till it broke, I did it." She spit it all out in one long breath, then spit out something she hadn't wanted it but was to late to take back. "I was so wrapped up in controlling my own pain I felt i needed to hurt myself, that I didn't see him... he, he raped me, it's all my fault." she got up running out of the restaurant leaving a stunned Alex in her wake.

**Please as Always R/R, I'd like 5 reviews at least before I update thanks. Now that Olivia has voiced finally she hurt herself, the next chapters should be lighter, and a turning point, but who knows... wait and see.  
**


	14. Another Turning Point

**Still sadly I own nothing, but if I did...**

After a while, Olivia caught a cab and made it to her appointment, she was half an hour early. Sitting in the waiting room she kept replaying the conversation she and Alex had in the diner. She had walked for an hour, then made her way here, anything even missing lunch she thought was better than having sat there while Alex looked down on her for what she had done. Sighing with her head back on the chair eyes closed waited for her appointment.

"So why don't we start with what's been going on since you were last here." Sam said smiling.

Olivia stared at her hands for a long moment, not really sure where to start, "well I got attacked in the alley next to our apartment.."

They talked for the next thirty minutes about it, Sam telling Olivia it wasn't her fault, even though Olivia kept insisting it was but wouldn't say why she thought so. Sam knew she needed some pushing about her arm, "so tell me about your hand? you said it wasn't apart of the attack." Olivia took a deep shaky breath, she didn't really know how Sam would take it, and what she would think about it. "I did it, I had to, I couldn't deal with a bad day and what was running through my head."

Another few moments later she continued, "I just had to cause myself pain, I needed to control it, I couldn't let him stay in there, you know in my head I had do it... It's what I deserved."

Sam knew a lot of people after an attack hurt themselves to punish themselves, She gently explained while Olivia was not alone in this, she shouldn't feel the need to hurt herself. They talked for the last of the time, and decided to make her appointments for twice a week. "Maybe you want to call Alex and let her know your ok, from what you've said running off from her, she must be worried." Olivia agreed and left with two appointments for the next week.

Hailing a cab feeling better having told Sam, she felt with Sam she could tell her stuff and not be fixed, Sam was not her love, and wasn't trying to make it all better for her. Olivia thought about calling Alex, but then decided to surprise her at her office.

Alex decided she had pushed enough, and would not run after her, she figured if she didn't hear from her in a few hours, she would worry then. After finishing lunch, leaving the waitress a nice tip she went back to the office to go over files and finish a motion for monday. Alex stared at the same page for ten minutes rereading the same thing. She leaned back sighing taking a break as she was still on the same thing and getting nowhere with it. After clearing her head she went back to drafting the motion.

Olivia stopped off for coffee on her way to see Alex, coffee at 5pm when you had a long day still ahead of you, was always a good thing. She knocked on her office door thinking of how she had run off and maybe it hadn't been the best thing to do. "Come in." Olivia walked in with a sheepish grin, coffee in hand, as she shut the door. Setting the coffee down, she walked right over to Alex leaned down kissing her, she licked her lips pressing gently as Alex allowed her entrance.

"Mmm," Olivia moaned into their kiss. Finally when they pulled apart needing air, Alex was not about to argue, "so what did I do to deserve that?"

Olivia ran her fingers through her hair looking down at her feet, with great interest, then finally looked into her eyes, "sorry for running out on you at lunch, I guess I just flipped out there."

Alex pulled her onto her lap kissing her again, "you don't need to be sorry, I'm not sorry I pushed, I'm glad you told me, I'm sorry you felt the need to run though."

Olivia leaned into her, placing her head on her shoulder, she didn't really know what to say at that point, for all Olivia dished out Alex took it in strides and never dished back. She couldn't believe just how amazing her ADA was, there she was forgiving her for flipping out then running off, she kissed Alex's neck with several brushes of her lips.

Moaning softly she ran her fingers through Olivia's hair before finally smelling the coffee, the kisses having distracted her. "So are one of those for me?" grinning as she asked.

Olivia nodded not moving her head, "yea, got vanilla cinnamon late's. Another sheepish grin across her face, "peace offering and all." she laughed slightly.

"Oh, so this just a peace offering, hmmm." she playfully teased back running her hand through her loves hair, grateful that for all her pushing Olivia had not only come back, but without needing to bring anything just herself, said sorry.

Olivia shot up shaking her head no, stuttering a bit, "no, no, I mean I just..."

Laughing Alex kissed her softly on the lips tracing her tongue over her detectives lips gaining entrance in gentle exploration. "Joking love, thank you for the coffee." She said as they pulled apart. "I really have to get back to work, why not rest on the couch and I will get you up when I'm done, we can go have dinner."

Olivia swatted Alex's arm as she pulled in for one last kiss, "MMmmm dinner? I'd like that." she yawned a bit as she grabbed her coffee and went to read her magazine she had bought as well. stretching out on the couch she read for a few drifting off.

Alex watched her sleep for a few minutes, looking up from her work, smile playing on her lips, she would do anything for Liv, she knew it was going to be a hit or miss on some days, but she wouldn't change it for the world, she loved her, more than she had ever loved anyone. she quickly busied herself in her work and before she knew it, three hours had passed, and at 8:30pm she gently went to wake Liv up. Kneeling down she softly kissed Olivia's forehead, pulling back so she wouldn't startle her she took her hand rubbing it, "Livvy, it's time to go, you still want dinner?"

Olivia jerked slightly, but after a moment realized it was Alex and smiled sleepily. pulling her to sit on the edge of the couch yawning as she woke up, "yeah but can we get something to take home, I'd rather watch a movie and snuggle."

Alex grinned seeing a look in Olivia she hadn't seen in a long time, she just looked so sweet and for once looked almost happy, not that she wasn't but her eyes looked brighter too. "Sure sounds perfect, pizza and garlic bread?" Olivia nodded.

The next several weeks went amazingly well, that day she admitted what she had done to her arm, and finding out she wasn't alone had done wonders for her. She had two more weeks left before going back to work and was starting to go stir crazy, she wanted to be back at work. "I can't wait to get back to work, I've been gone so long no one will remember me," she pouted.

"You know that's not true, El calls you almost daily to see how you are." Alex lightly brushed her fingers over Olivia's toned stomach, feeling a small shudder where her fingers were. Olivia gasped softly pulling Alex down kissing her passionately, slowly she was trying to get back to where they were, she wanted to be able to kiss and touch Alex without seeing or feeling him, she tried so hard.

Alex watched her carefully for signs that she was uncomfortable, seeing none she slowly ran her hand up under Olivia's shirt. After a few minutes she went up a bit more, when Olivia froze and shook her head no. Pulling her hand out, kissing Olivia's forehead she looked directly in her eyes, "it's ok." Olivia finally exhaled the breath she had held in, nodded and kissed her again, parting her lips giving Alex entrance.

Alex moaned, making a mental note not to go under her shirt so high next time. She was finally letting Olivia call all the shots, taking her ques from her while she made sure never to cross any line Olivia set, and for now it was going well. Maybe there was hope.

When Olivia started yawning, Alex rubbed her thumb along her cheek, giving Olivia those soft puppy eyes, "why don't we go lie down?"

Olivia pulled her lower lip out not able to resist those eyes, but also didn't want to stop. She grinned pulling Alex's hand gently across her stomach, hopping to keep them there, she didn't want to nap. "Let's stay here."

Alex leaned down nibbling her lip, as she pulled back, "come hold me in bed?" her amazing ice blue eyes staring at chocolate browns, Alex always did know how to get to Olivia. Even if she did have one broken arm, she knew Olivia would not let that stop her, she had one arm she could drape over her, and Alex never asked much anymore to be held. She was always the one worried and wanting to hold Olivia.

Olivia sighed happily, the brightness once again in her eyes for the second time in two days, this was one of the best saturdays they had in longer than either could remember. "You don't play fair councilor, how can I say no to that." she knew she couldn't, nor did she want to.

Grinning sheepishly she played it off, "I play plenty fair, and besides you love me detective." Standing up she lead Olivia into the bedroom.

**Please as Always R/R, I'd like 5 reviews at least before I update thanks. **


	15. A New Case

**Still sadly I own nothing, but if I did...**

"Benson," Olivia said into her phone.

"Liv, it's El, we caught a case." Elliot swallowed the hard lump in his throat, this was not a call he wanted to be making, he had to tell her they caught a case with the same MO as her's just with out the gun.

Olivia started shaking, slient tears pouring down her face, she had one more week of medical leave. her cast may have come off and she may have been better, but she was forced to sit out one last week. Calming her voice, "where? I'm coming down, I want to listen in." She really wanted to listen to the victims statement.

Elliot could tell she wasn't ok, even if she had been, he'd been told to keep her away from the case. Sighing audible into the phone, "Liv, Capt. says he wants you no where this one." He hated to be the one to break it to her, but she had a right to know.

Alex had come out of the bathroom listening to her end of the conversation, just not sure of all that was going on, she moved to be bed sitting down before looking at Liv.

"No El, I need to be there," she sighed. She knew she wouldn't win this one and finally agreed and let it go. hanging up she burst into a fresh set of tears choking sobs wracked her.

Lex went quickly around the bed taking Liv in her arms, "baby, what is it? shhh it's ok what did El say to upset you so much?"

Dropping her head into her hands after ten minutes of solid crying, she finally told Alex of the new case, "it's the same Mo Lexxy, same type of wood, an alley way, it's all the freaking same." Alex adjusted themselves on the bed, taking Liv in her arms, "let it out Livvy, let it out, it's ok to just cry." She let Liv cry it out till there were no tears left.

Liv for the first time since the call felt safe, loved, and yet somewhat good. Being able to just cry it out, no worries, no one telling you how to feel, or what to think, that in itself was amazing. Sometimes just being able to be held and let it all out was great medicine. She curled up in Alex's arms laying her head on her breast, her tears slowly subsiding.

For the next few hours she held Liv, as she cried on and off then finally ending. She had cried for herself, for the other Victim, for the fact that someone else had gone through just what she had. Not that she couldn't handle another case, but this was way to close to home, and was shocked. Once she had let it out though she knew the other victim wouldn't be an issue, she just needed it out of her.

Olivia threw back her fifth shot, sitting at the bar she signaled to the bartender for another. It was six pm and she was meeting Alex here at seven. in the last hour and a half she had been there, she had one beer, before switching to shots, and was quickly downing another shot. She tried to make it appear she was ok, but she felt to much like her mother now. her worst fear come true, raped and now drinking like a fish.

"Hey Lady, maybe you should slow down." The bartender looked at her as she swayed a bit on the stool.

She looked at him for a moment, as anger flashed in her eyes, she didn't need him to tell her to slow down, she didn't need anyone telling her what to do, but she was pretty drunk and didn't want to thrown out, "yea, fine, gimmie a beer then." He looked her over but got her the beer, hopping she wouldn't drink it all that fast, and the larger drink would slow her down.

At seven pm Alex walked in scanning the bar looking for her, as she made her way through the bar she found her sitting on a bar stool with a beer. "hey baby, starting without me?" she joked not knowing just how drunk Olivia was.

"Baby!" Olivia exclaimed as took another sip of her beer, "you made it." she slued, her breath could have knocked over half the room, Alex wondered just how many she had, not that Olivia couldn't be drunk, but she never did it when she was depressed. Alex knew of her fears, and turning out like her mom.

Olivia swayed as she stood up grabbing Alex for balance and trying to kiss her. Alex pulled back but held her upright, "baby how many beers have you had?"

giggling not something Olivia ever did, she was not the giggling type, she tried again to kiss Alex as she counted, "ahh lets see, this is my second beer and i think a few shots." Leaning in she kissed Alex trying to get her arms around her, she didn't care who saw, she was going to make out with her right here.

Alex kissed her softly but quickly pulled back again, "lets go home love." Moving Olivia's hands away she whispered in her ear that she though home was more suited to doing anything more, when all she really wanted to do was get Olivia home safely and then to bed, Olivia would have one hell of a hangover in the morning.

Olivia nodded her hands now on Alex's shoulders as Alex turned around then walked her out letting Olivia use her for balance.

She found them a cab and ten minutes later was trying to get Olivia up the stairs into the house, "baby, you need to try and walk up the stairs, come on."

Giggling as she stumbled up the stairs Alex finally got her in the apartment, after locking the door she took Olivia straight into the bedroom planing on helping her into bed. It was only 7:45pm but as drunk as Olivia was, it seamed better to try and get her into bed.

Olivia had other ideas, she immediately started kissing on Alex, her hands trying to travel all over her girl friends body, "Mmmm, you feel amazing baby, let me love on you."

Alex shook her head no, she knew Olivia wasn't ready. This was the booze talking not her girl friend, "baby, lets go lie down, we can watch a movie, I'll even make some pasta, we have left overs from the other night."

Olivia shook her head, trying again to get Alex onto the couch and kissing her, she reached up playing with one of Alex's breasts. Alex had to bite her lip to stop a moan, she wanted this, but not this way, she was not going to take advantage of the love of her life. She would never hurt her this way. wrapping her arms around Olivia, "how about, " she kissed her, "you let me make us some food, then we can eat and see what happens?" It would give her some time, and she could at least get some food into her, maybe even just a bit more sober Olivia wouldn't be hell bent on destroying herself, then tomorrow after work they could talk.

Biting her lower lip in thought, "ok, food first, I'm kind of hungry anyways."

Heating up the pasta, Alex grabbed the sauce and two sprites, grateful they were out of beer. Olivia would have to settle for this, and couldn't argue. once all the food was heated and plated up she brought to the couch where Olivia was, " dinner is served." She joked.

Alex called in the next day since she had no court appearances and got the day off. She needed to make sure everything was set up for her talk with Olivia, Olivia had not told her what the phone call was all about, only told her part of it. so she had no idea Olivia was called yesterday and told not to be in today that they were questioning the perp, yes they had a case but had just found the likely perp, and was told not to be in today. so why she had gotten so drunk the night before when for two days all seamed ok was beyond her.

At 8am when Olivia would normally be running out the door late for work she still wasn't even up Alex went in to wake her. "Baby, it's 8am your going to be late for work."

Olivia woke with a groan, her hangover giving her one hell of a headache. she slowly got up making her way to the bathroom for some tylenol, after taking some and brushing the bad taste from her mouth she came out saying, "I was told to take the day off, Capt. doesn't want to see me till tomorrow."

"Oh why's that?" Alex was curious. as she moved to wrap her arms around Liv, kissing her forehead.

Olivia looked nervous since she had only told Alex they had a case and not that they caught the guy."It's the reason I got so drunk last night," she started. "Please don't be mad, but I couldn't tell you then, I needed to try and work it out in my head." She sighed sadly. "By then I mean yesterday when I got a call from Elliot." Taking a moment before going on. "He told me yesterday after my appointment with my Therapist that they caught a guy they think is the perp. they are questioning him today, and I'm not to be near the house at all."

It was listening to Olivia that Alex put all of the pieces of the night before together. "Baby," she said arms still wrapped around her, "why don't I start the shower for you, then start some breakfast." She pulled her close kissing her lips softly letting her know she was there for her. Olivia nodded biting her lower lips playfully, "ok but only if you join me." A small glint in her eyes was showing through.

"Ok but just a shower, nothing more, although you do have a spot right there that needs cleaning." she ran her hand ticklishly over her loves back, tracing a spot to make her point.

"You can't even see back there," she laughed tickling her back as she kissed her softly. "I think I could let you wash my back, but only if I can wash yours." she wiggled out of her arms discarding her pajamas as she moved quickly towards the bathroom.

**Please as Always R/R, I'd like 5 reviews at least before I update thanks. **


	16. Let Go

**Still sadly I own nothing, but if I did...**

At her next appointment, Olivia told Sam about her mom, how the only reason she was here was because she was rapped and her mom had to have her. She told her of her biggest fear, that she would be rapped and end up a drunk like her. Sighing as she talked feeling just like her after getting drunk the other night. Not only was she drunk off her ass, she was all over her girl friend trying to prove just how ok she was, and groping on her like a teenager.

Sam listened nodding now and then, "why do you think you'll end up just like her?"

"She was raped, then drank herself to death." Pausing taking a deep breath, "I got really drunk the other night, my partner called telling me of a case just like mine, that night I went to the bar and drank like a fish." She hated admitting she had gotten so drunk just because of that. Reaching for a tissue she wiped some stray tears from her eyes.

"Olivia, I wouldn't worry about you becoming your mother, you realized why you got drunk and how it made you feel, just in talking to me, your seeking help not to do it again." Sam was making sure she saw the difference in her getting help, and talking about it, rather than her mothers way of just drinking herself to death and keeping it all inside. Olivia nodded not so sure, but it did make a lot of sense, and she would talk about it for as long as she had to, rather than stuff it and end up falling down the stairs out side a bar near the subway.

As soon as court was adjourned for the day Alex headed home after stopping at the store for groceries planing a special dinner. She had talked to Elliot and knew the bad news that Olivia was sure to hear before the days end. She knew it was hard news and there was nothing anyone could do. It was like just when Olivia was able to take one step forward and was knocked on her ass two steps back. She placed the bag on the counter, pulling out the alfredo sauce, fresh noodles, and the grilled chicken, then she filled a pot setting it to boil for the noodles.

Olivia was about five blocks from home, looking into this little jewelery store seeing a celtic love knot trinity heart pendant in the window, she thought of Alex and wanted to get it for her. She also found they had small teddy bears that you could have hold the box the jewelery came in. Picking a cute brown bear with a red heart in front of it's stomach that said I Love You. she had then wrap the box up before placing it in the bears hand, smiling her thanks as she left.

Shutting the door behind just as her phone rang, "Benson." She spoke into it not checking her caller id.

Elliot took a deep breath not sure how to break the news to her, but after talking with Alex knew it needed to come from him. he had after all been keeping her up to date with everything that was going on, and needed to see it through for her, he owed her that much. "Hi Liv," he paused still searching for just the right words. "Oh hey El, what's up?"

"I wanted to be the one to tell you, we had to let him go." She stared at her phone, she couldn't be hearing this right. "Why?" He could hear the pain in her question, "Liv, he left no DNA at the scene, she refused a rape kit." Olivia's feet almost gave out from under her as she slid down the door. As soon as Alex heard her come in she made her way over to kiss her hello when she got the call. "What?" this couldn't be happening, they were so close to getting the guy, her rapist, the one that turned her life upside down and took even more from her than Harris had, now was being let go. her head swam as she tried to close her eyes to the world.

"Liv listen to me, she told us about the small wooden table leg, she won't do a rape kit, so even if there was fluids or anything we can't link it to him, and your kit's not even been tested, so we can't force him to give up his DNA." He sighed wishing he could have called and said they got him, instead he was calling to say their only suspect had been let go.

Even though she was one of New York's finest, her kit could sit they all knew for years, with the rape kit back log in the country it was no surprise her's hadn't been tested. She wouldn't have wanted her's to be put above another victims anyways. Olivia always put others before herself, and no matter how bad the case was did all she could to reassure the victim that even if the perp wasn't sent away, they would be ok, they had done all the right things, getting the kit done, reporting it, and no matter what no one could take that from them. she only wished she could feel that now.

Olivia was now crying, having hung up on Elliot, the phone still clutched tightly in her hand, she didn't remember anything after being told they couldn't force him to give up any DNA. Her gift for Alex was all but forgotten sitting haphazardly to the side. She tried to tell Alex about the call, but her heart was racing and the tears came so fast she wasn't making any sense. "They... He... Gone.. no kit."

Alex wrapped her arms around Olivia, pulling Olivia into her as she soothed, "it's ok baby, it's ok." She knew already he was let go. "I know baby, Elliot called me earlier." Alex kissed away Olivia's tears, but no matter how many she tried to kiss away twice as many spilled out. Olivia leaned into Alex as if her very breath depended on it, gripping her shirt in her hands.

Slowly her tears slowed, taking a few calming breaths, she looked at Alex, "You knew?"

"Yes, El called me and told me."

"You knew, and you didn't tell me? Wait, wait, how long have you known and kept this from me?"

"I found out this morning before court."

Olivia pulled away, standing up and stormed off into the bedroom. "I'm going to shower," she called out behind her angrily.

Alex sighed planing to finish cooking dinner, "damn it." Standing up muttering to herself, "could that have gone any worse?"

Turning off the the stove leaving the semi warm sauce and chicken in the pan, Alex knocked on the bathroom door, "Liv, honey? Can I come in?"

Olivia grunted as she heard Alex at the door, "No."

"Please, we need to talk."

"Fine come in then." Alex walked in sitting on the toilet.

"Honey, yes I knew, but El felt he owed it to you to be the one to tell you." Olivia pulled back the shower curtain, poking her head out.

"Your the love of my life, You should have told me."

"I'm sorry I do love you, but El has worked this none stop trying to get her to do a rape hit and an exam, I wanted to let him tell you."

Olivia realized just how childish she was being and gave a sheepish grin. "I know baby, I love you too, and I'm sorry I went off."

smiling, "lucky I don't kick your ass Benson." She chided.

Olivia pouted leaning over dripping water on Alex placing a soft kiss on her lips, "You wouldn't Cabot."

Alex laughed kissing her back after pulling away a bit getting soaked, "that's it when your out, your mine."

"You could always join me."

"I could, let me think about that." She pretended to think it over. then immediately stripped off her clothes joining her girl friend in the shower.

**Please as Always R/R, I'd like 5 reviews at least before I update thanks. yes this was semi short but I felt it a good place to end it.**

**Ok this is from Mariska's Joyful Heart Foundation Website, and is a real fact, sad as it is... It is estimated that there are hundreds of thousands of untested rape kits in police storage and crime lab facilities simply waiting to be tested. Untested rape kits represent lost justice for rape victims, as they often mean a rape investigation was cut short before the offender could be brought to justice. There are close to 200,000 untested rape kits in this country.**

**This a fact, sadly with so many untested rape kits to many go without justice, and their attackers walk free. I know on SVU they always test the kits and almost always go to trial, but real life to many go without, so guess what in this story Olivia will too. **


	17. Rememberance

**Still sadly I own nothing, but if I did...** **Angsty Smut Ahead**

Olivia, pushed Alex back on the bed, she leaned down kissing her as she ran her hands over Alex's body. Alex moaned at the contact and looking for signs that Olivia didn't want this she found none. Olivia was playing the part really well, she was forcing herself to do this, to want and need this. Sadly this is the last thing she wanted, but felt the need to prove to Alex and to her self she did. It had only been a day ago that they let the suspect in her rape go. He was out there walking around free to do this again to someone else, or worse yet her. She never really thought he would come back, but there's always just a hint in the back of her mind that says he could. She didn't even know what he looked like, or hardly any details, she had only remembered a small tiny bit.

"Oh damn, baby that was amazing." Alex said as she rolled over on top of her girlfriend kissing her passionately. Alex was carefully watching for signs that this was to much, and to soon, but Olivia was giving none, she pulled Alex down on top of her kissing and moaning into her. Olivia didn't want this but was determined to let Alex make her fly. She would fly off that edge as her orgasm over took her, and know it was Alex delivering such pleasures not her rapist touching her. She knew this was another form of self harm, but couldn't stop it. She at least wasn't breaking bones or stuff, but this was a lot more dangerous.

Alex reached into the drawer next to her side of the bed and got out their favorite toy and some lube. Olivia smiled closing her eyes as Alex played with breast before pulling back to put some lube on the toy and turning it on. Olvia made all the right sounds and moans until she felt the toy at her opening slowly pushing in, but no matter how slow and gentle Alex was it still caused a vivid flashback.

Olivia griped the head board, fear and pain etched all over her face, she was seeing him. She felt his hands on her and the wooden table leg being forced into her, screaming out in pain begging him to stop. "NO.. PLEASE STOP.. DON'T.. YOUR HURTING ME!" She now remembered it all her arms were moving and hit Alex hard knocking her back so she almost fell off the bed. Alex quickly recovered turning it off and tossing it away from them, she pulled Olivia into her trying to calm her down and get her to see she was safe and not back there. "Olivia, Olivia.. it's ok, I won't hurt you, I love you, it's me Alex." Olivia's arms flailed pushing Alex away as she jumped up and ran into the living room.

"Damn it." Alex cursed herself, how could she not see this coming, Olivia had done such a good job of hiding her fears and making it seam she wanted it, she had been fooled and was to busy trying to maker Olivia happy and satisfied to see even the start of her girlfriends tears. She ran out after Olivia finding her holding her knees to her chest, rocking back and forth in the corner of the room looking so small and frail. Olivia could feel the pain in her head as if she had just been hit, she saw through glassy eyes him over her with the wood. He had shown it to her first and then shoved it hard into her. She heard something strange, someone calling her name, no he didn't know it, but there it was again, "Olivia, Olivia.. your ok, it's safe, your safe." She slowly looked up being pulled back into the present as she realized the voice was that of her love's. Alex she thought, but Alex wasn't there that must mean she's not either. slowly she leaned over seeing her Lex next to her, placing her head on her shoulder seeking anything she can from her. "Liv, baby I love you, I'm sorry." Alex wrapped her arms around her feeling the tears she knew had been held back for far to long, these were not normal tears, these were one's of a deep pain, one's that came with finally knowing all of what happened to you.

Olivia cried for the next thirty minutes till she had no tears left, "I... I.. I'm sorry. I love... love you." Alex eventually helped her up and they moved to the couch as they sat down carefully. Alex waited till Olivia was ready to talk, and let her go at her own pace not pushing for details as to what happened, or what she was feeling, when Olivia was calm enough she would speak up.

"I wanted so badly to show you I was ok, you could touch me and I would be ok."

"Baby, I've said before and will keep saying it, we never have to do anything, I love you with out the physical stuff."

"I know, but it's for me too, I wanted to feel it too, but then..."

Alex sighed internally, as she held Liv close. "Then..." Olivia really wanted to tell her, she was trying but couldn't get the words out. they sat silently for another long period of time, ten minutes later she finally got some of it out. "I know... I umm, I finally.." she was trying so hard, and Alex refused to push and just kept her arms around her.

"I didn't just flashback, I saw it all." she said as fast as she could in one large breath. "I remember what happened, I still can't see his face, but I know what happened, what he.. he.. did." She explained over the next hour remembering the whole thing, and gave details that no one knew before then, even she hadn't known because of being knocked out.

"It's ok baby, your safe now, he can't hurt you." Alex's eye was beginning to hurt and felt heave and swollen.

Olivia looked up into Alex's eyes and finally saw the bruise, "Oh Lex, did I do that?" She asked as she reached up to gently feel the eye, She had been in such a state she hadn't realized she hit Alex at all. Shaking her head, "it's fine it hardly even hurts, what do you say we get you into a bath so you can clean up, and I'll get myself some ice for this." It was more of a statement than a question as she pulled Liv up and walked her into the bathroom.

Alex was watching TV with ice in a towel on her eye to keep the swelling down when Olivia came out in pajama bottoms and a tank top, sitting down next to her girlfriend kissing her softly, "oh baby, I am so sorry, is it feeling any better?" Lex laughed slightly, "Liv, you have some hell of a punch, but really it's ok, I love you." Olivia gave a sheepish grin getting up, and getting them each a drink before returning to her side, and leaning into Alex all curled up.

**Please as Always R/R, I'd like 5 reviews at least before I update thanks. **


	18. The Talk

**Still sadly I own nothing, but if I did...**

Since the night when Olivia had tried to take back that part of her life, the one where she decided who, when, where, and why she had sex or made love, she had been short tempered and on edge. She felt bad for having hit Alex, even though they both knew it was an accident. She couldn't get over that Alex felt the need and tried to use toys their first night reconnecting. Now anytime Alex got to close or tried to hold her, touch her, or even just wanted a hug she would stiffen up and couldn't relax. She had starting having more nightmares, and even more flashbacks. she was planing on going back to work, but now was back at square one, and when Alex came home that night it all seamed to boil over. "Don't," was all Liv said as Alex tried to hug and kiss her.

Alex knew she had seriously messed up, but it had been a few weeks and nothing was getting better, in fact things were worse. Sounding harsher than she intended she threw her hands up frustrated. "What can I do Liv, what is it you need? You won't talk to me, you cringe when I get to close, and you haven't let me soothe you in weeks."

Olivia shot Alex a death glare, what did she want? oh hell how could Alex ask her that, this was her fault for making her remember that awful night, it would have been so much easier to not know, at least she thought so. Sighing as she looked away finally tears silently slipped down her face, not wanting Alex to see. After another 10 minutes of silence she dried her eyes looking back towards Alex. "What is it I want, how the hell can you ask me that?" she paused taking a deep breath. "You," She pointed at Alex, "You made me remember, you just had to use toys the first night I was able to try to show you my love." She started shaking and this time when the tears fell she couldn't stop them before Alex saw.

Feeling lower than dirt, Alex finally realized the cost of that night. She hadn't thought to bring it up when Liv said she remembered. At the time all she wanted was to make it better for Liv, but by not talking about it, bringing it up or taking it a bit easier on her, Liv had been suffering all this time silently. "Oh Liv I'm so sorry." Unshed tears threatening to spill over as she talked glistened in her eyes. "I should have tried harder when you said you remembered, I just didn't want to make it worse for you, I love you so much."

With her emotions all over the place Olivia wasn't sure what to do, first she wanted to hit something, then she wanted to crumble to the floor and curl up making herself as small as possible, then she wanted to grab Alex and shake her. She knew she could never hurt her, so she settled to meeting her in the middle and sat on the bed patting the spot next to her for Alex to sit.

Alex took tentative steps and sat down next to her, almost reaching out to take her hand but decided it was best not to. she placed her hands in her lap as she chewed on her lower lip hopping Liv would forgive her and let her in to help her.

Olivia saw Alex's movements and reached for her hand placing it on top of hers. Olivia took a few deep breaths as she sat there trying to form the words she knew she needed to say. "Alex, I love you, nothing will change that, it's just... just..." she took a few more steadying breaths. "it's just.. I felt like I was being raped all over again, I saw it all, they just flooded back, and I couldn't make the images go away." She still couldn't tell Alex exactly what happened, but she wanted her life back, her life with Alex, she wanted to feel safe with her again, and right now she didn't.

Alex felt as if all the air had been sucked from her lungs, her face paler that usual, her blue eyes sunken in sadly as she tried to wrap her mind around the fact that Liv had felt like she raped her by using toys, and caused her to remember. It wasn't that she remembered, it was they way it had been forced back into her conscience. "Oh baby, I would never purposely hurt you. I'm so sorry I did that, you don't need to love me. I hurt you." Alex felt like the perps they fought so hard to put in jail, She knew she was no better. Trying to pull away she thought about running but she felt Olivia's grasp on her hands tighten.

Olivia noticed what Alex was trying to do and although she did feel guilty for hurting Alex with her words, she couldn't and wouldn't take them back. It was just how she felt, no amount of anything right now would change it, and she didn't know how to let herself try to relax around her now. She wanted to curl up in her arms let Alex hold her kiss away her tears and bad thoughts, but she just couldn't. She did the only thing she could right now and that was to curl up on the bed asking Alex to join her but not touch her. "Alex come lay with me please, I need you close, but don't touch me, just lay as close as you can." Olivia was shaking, but forced herself to be as still as she could taking in Alex's warmth like a blanket, for now this would have to do, she only hopped Alex understood.

Alex did what was asked of her to scared to make Olivia feel anything worse, and still keep herself from running out the door, She was thinking she was a rapist of sorts, She should have known better than to try and use toys so soon. She thought back to that night and how when Olivia had curled up with her seamed tense and so unsure, even if she had said the right things at the time to make it seam she was ok. Alex was mentally beating herself up for not noticing, maybe she wanted to believe it was really ok. Maybe she just couldn't face the fact that she had broken her detective and Olivia's current state of being was her fault. She resolved to do anything and everything to make it right, just didn't know how right now.

Olivia had sworn she wouldn't drink herself into oblivion again, but after an hour of saddened silence she got up and left the bedroom to grab a beer. Maybe she would only have one maybe more there was only a 6 pack, so she couldn't drink herself into to much of a stooper, and if she asked Alex to join her she could at least get a good buzz without being drunk, she decided to ask Alex to join her. "Alex I need a drink, getting a beer want one?"

Alex a bit worried but now wasn't the time bring up her last drinking binge decided to just go with it and nodded, "sure I could use a beer too."

**Please as Always R/R, I'd like 5 reviews at least before I update thanks. **


	19. Glimmer of Hope

**Still sadly I own nothing, but if I did...**

Alex was so busy trying to hold up what once was her detective, you know the saying my job is to now hold up the corpse that was once so and so. Well Alex was trying to hold up the corpse that was once Olivia Benson, so much so that she was walking on egg shells around her and the kid gloves were always on. They were on a broken road to nowhere, like two ships lost at sea, and the storm had crashed down on them so much so that finally threatened to pull them under and drown them. Enough was enough for Olivia finally, she had taken to drinking a beer or two, or a glass of wine with dinner anything really, but with out a drink or two she just couldn't relax around Alex. She knew that wasn't her, she had seen her mom drunk all her life, hell she hadn't even taken time off when her mom died outside a bar falling down the stairs to the subway station. Alex never mentioned the drinking, never said a word when she got that second beer, glass, of wine, shot, whatever was the drink of choice that night, she was just grateful Olivia never went over two most nights, three tops. Olivia finally had enough of Alex's kid glove's routine.

"Alex stop, for the love of it all just stop!" Olivia huffed at her, boring holes into her with her eyes.

Alex started to say something but then just snapped her mouth shut, she worried her lower lip trying to figure out what she could do to make this better.

Olivia sighed, "look I know you mean well, but the eggshells and kid glove routine has to stop, I need you to be there for me, not pity me, feel sorry for me, or treat me as if I'm a china doll that's going to break if your not extra careful." She just wanted it all to go away and for her to be herself again the one before Sealview, and this even worse attack.

Here she was the brunt of Olivia's anger yet once again, she just couldn't go on like this. She knew she deserved it, hell she deserved everything her girlfriend threw at her, wasn't she one that had hurt her, broke her, left her as she was now? She was no better than the bad guys they put away, the minute she used that thing it made her no better than they were, she was a rapist of sorts. She hadn't meant it and didn't think at the time it would be a bad thing, but she was here in a mess of epic proportions and it was all her doing. As if a light went on in her head, it hit her. While she wasn't the one physically attack, this wasn't just an assault on her detective, in a way they both had been hurt, and because of that part of her wouldn't be the same either. She had to learn how to not only hold up the new Olivia Benson, but also how to look at her, to be there for her, and as much as she wished she could be the perfect girlfriend and know all the right things to say and do she didn't, she had to let Olivia lead and she would follow. "Liv, I love you like no one I've ever loved before, your right I know it has to stop, but I don't know how right now." She was being honest and trying again to soothe Liv as best as she could.

Olivia sighed and tried to keep her anger in check, "you have to just try I can't do it all, it's all to much Alexandra do you understand? it's all just to damn much!" As much as she wanted to hold it all together right now it just wasn't happening.

Alex wanted to shake her, to get in her face and yell, to just let it all out. She wanted to say your just like your mother, all the yelling and huffing you do, the drinking, your her, you're Serena just without the getting totally smashed nightly. She wanted to say all of that to just blow off some steam but she didn't, she knew none of it was true Olivia was nothing like her mother. Alex took several deep calming breathes tears silently starting to fall decided she needed help too. "Olivia you weren't the only one attacked here, and before you say anything," she paused. "I wasn't physically attacked and hurt, no he didn't rape me, but your not alone in this, and just maybe I think I need to see someone to help me help you. Please I'm not saying your helpless, just that I want to be the one you can feel comfortable with and not need a few drinks to relax around." She really was at a loss she wanted to tell Olivia she was sorry for rapping her, she really felt as if she had. She just didn't have the words for it, so she said the words she did have even it was lacking for now.

Olivia had been looking at her hand in her lap, and her head snapped up at Alex's words. she replayed them again and again as she stared at her. And not need a few drinks to relax around her, and again about her being comfortable, all the things Olivia wanted and wanted to be but couldn't be right now. I love her so much, she knows me so well she thought. She knew Alex well too and knew this also was a new Alex, Alex was right she was hurting too, albeit for different reasons mainly that Olivia had been rapped and attacked, but now maybe she needed to see someone too, and maybe down the road they could see someone together. Olivia hadn't been big on shrinks before all of this, but Sam had been helping her a lot, she was the main reason she hadn't run off after the debacle that had been an attempt at love making. "Alex," Olivia started softly her tone having softened to just above a whisper with this new revelation. "Maybe you need to see someone also." She voice was shaky and her eyes were leaking tears as she spoke.

"Yeah, maybe I should." She agreed, with her own tears now falling she took Liv's hand, and they cried together a nice long cry. Both hurting, but now seamed finally to be on the same page that for the last two months they hadn't been even close to. They held hands, for now it was all Liv could allow, her body just couldn't let her be held, and when Alex felt her girlfriends grip tighten around her fingers she looked into her eyes and for the first time since it happened, since that monster had hurt her, she saw the tiniest glimmer of hope, "I love you Liv, I will make calls on monday, I will do what I can to make this better for us."

Olivia was staring at Alex through her tears, her body shook with silent sobs as she listen to Alex, and heard more the meaning behind her words penetrate her. The words themselves were few and more like she was talking business, but the look she saw in her councilors eyes, and the tears she saw streaming down her face, told her they were full of hope, promise, and love. Alex still loved her, she loves me, I mean really still loves me, she thought. With all the emotions she felt from Alex's body language and eyes, the small glimmer of hope it gave her she finally allowed herself to go slack and move her body so her and Alex's arms rested side by side, the were now leaning against each other this way with their hands still interlocked. "I'm sorry, so sorry, I... I... I, I love you too, I'm sorry for all of this, I just wish I could be who I was before, it's like I'm a shell and there's nothing inside." She confessed, she didn't say that was part of the reasons she drank, she wasn't ready or really didn't know if that was it, but she knew with a few in her she felt something anything was better than the shell.

Alex smiled to herself, She was so happy right at this moment. Olivia had adjusted herself to lean on Alex physically and opened up to her, had been totally honest, and even if it was only for a minute she was going to take it as a good thing. She still felt like a rapist of sorts and was afraid to hurt Olivia again, she knew if she did it once, she could again, but for now she shoved that down into the pit of her stomach and went with this feeling, this small merest speck of hope she felt that they would be okay in time. After all her birthday was in a few weeks and the only thing she wanted for a gift was to be able to pamper Olivia, take her away for the weekend maybe longer and hold her, nothing more, just take her in her arms, kiss her forehead and hold her.

**Please as Always R/R, I'd like 5 reviews at least before I update thanks. Seams like they need a little bit of time away, and since we missed Liv's birthday in december and Marskia's was the 23rd... it gets to be Alex's R/R and let me know what you think, vaction/birthday time for a bit of some lighter stuff or more agnst and sadness, you call people, let me know as well as tell me what you thought of this chapter.**


	20. Start Of Happier Times

**Still sadly I own nothing, but if I did... Sorry it's been forever since I updated, my muse took off and refused to come out of hiding, well till now that is...**

Olivia had her own idea's for Alex's birthday. She knew the last few weeks she had been extremely hard on her. Now she wanted nothing more than to relax and spoil Alex taking her away for her birthday. She had made arrangements for everything, the hotel, the transportation, the works. Olivia looked around one last time as she got all their stuff to the door, Alex would be home any moment, and Liv was not about to let her walk into the apartment. She planed on meeting Alex outside with all their stuff packed and ready to go. Alex thought she was only going to be gone for the night, even though she had gotten the week off, Liv had said she couldn't sleep away from the apartment more than one night, but since she had been working on it with Sam she was willing to try one night away. With three suitcases and one bag all now at the elevator, she knows Alex will question it so she gets them down to the lobby of the building hopping to beat Alex there before she makes her way up.

"Ooof," just as she dragged the last one from the elevator she bumped into someone about to apologize when she looks up to see an amused Alex.

"Well hello to you too." She says as she smiles at Liv. "You sure you need all this for one night?" Alex knew something was up, no one needed so much stuff for one night away. She had a feeling as Liv grinned sheepishly at her, that she had been had. Not that she minded particularly but she would have liked to know and pack for herself. Then again she thought as she looked around once more this had to mean Liv had planed something a lot bigger than a night out, and that made her heart swell. The last few weeks had been hard on them, but slowly were getting better and this surprise whatever it turned out to be brought a huge smile and made her love her even more than she had had ever thought possible.

It had been six weeks since that night, six long weeks of slowly reconnecting. Alex had made that call on Monday, she went twice a week to see her new therapist. All in all it was hard, but going better than she ever thought possible. No they weren't back to where they had once been, but they were getting there. The kid gloves were off and there was no walking on egg shells. Olivia had the first two weeks tried to throw herself into plans for this trip, and keep away from Alex, till one day Alex had enough of the cold shoulder act, "Olivia," she started, she had been given some homework by her therapist to do, and that was to tell Olivia what she was feeling when Liv would either ignore her, or just not talk to her, not to just keep letting it slide. "Olivia," she said again a bit louder. Olivia looked up from her lap top where she was making hotel reservations, one eye brow arched up. "What's wrong?" Alex was beginning to wonder if she had done something wrong since it seamed like Liv wasn't even going to say anything. "Nothing's wrong why?" She went back to her screen effectively shutting Alex out again. Getting frustrated Alex really wanted some answers, and Liv was being so aloof it was making her nuts. "Olivia," Alex snapped. "For the last two weeks you have either ignored me, or kept me at arms length, I have tried not to push you to talk. But you can not keep this up, I know your hurting but I deserve better than this." Alex ran her fingers through her hair as she took a few deep breaths as to not go overboard with this. She needed and wanted Olivia to see that the gloves were off and she was going to prove that no matter what it took.

At first Olivia looked up at Alex in shock, not that she was afraid or thought that Alex would hurt her. No it was nothing like that, what it was, was the fact that Alex had finally yelled at her, and was demanding answers, yes maybe she should have been made but she wasn't. She was so relieved, Alex wasn't walking on egg shells. The only real problem was she couldn't very well tell Alex that she was making plans for her Birthday without giving away the surprise. It was a good thing all she had to do was hit the send button to finish the booking and could shut off the laptop. "Alex, I love you I'm not ignoring you, I just have had a lot on my mind." She shut the screen down and moved it off her lap and onto the table as she looked right into Alex's eyes. She saw the raw emotion Alex was showing as well as the hurt and some anger. She hadn't touched a drink in two weeks and now with Alex talking with someone to help her through her stuff with all this too, Olivia wanted to show Alex she was committed to helping them get better. She walked over to where Alex was standing wrapped her arms around her waste and kissed her hard on the mouth. Alex shocked for a moment just stood there before slowly kissing her back, then trying to pull away gently. She didn't want Liv to think she didn't want her but she didn't think Liv should be trying to prove anything to her either. "Alex you're so sexy when you get angry like that," Liv whispered in her ear as she felt Alex start to pull back.

"Liv, I love you, and your kissing me, but you don't have to do this, really you have nothing to prove." She tried to pull back again as Liv's shoulders slumped. "Alex you don't want me? what I'm damaged now?" The words hung in the air like a heavy perfume that someone had used way to much of and could be smelled long after they were gone. Slowly shaking her her she realized if she didn't tell Liv the truth they would keep going backwards, and not get past this. "No, no, baby that isn't it. It's just," she took a deep breath as Liv dreaded what was to come next, but what was said shocked her. How could Alex think like that? "Liv what if I hurt you again, when we tried to make love before I ruined it and caused you a flashback and even more pain, I rapped you when I used that toy. I don't deserve you, You shouldn't have had to be reminded of him, or that night." Silent tears made their way down Alex's face, she was trying to be strong, but the tears split over anyways.

"Alex, no." Olivia started, she shook her head pulling her even closer, "you did not rape me, you are nothing like him, yes you made me remember what happened, but you in no way are a rapist." She kissed Alex again, this time only softer, "Alex I had no memories of what happened, maybe I shouldn't have pushed you so hard to make love, maybe you shouldn't have used the toy, but if we hadn't done any of it, I would still have no memories. As hard as it is, it is better knowing than not, do I wish it had happened differently, yes but it didn't." She finally paused and took a few deep shuttering breaths as she watched for Alex's reaction. "I'm sorry you felt I was keeping you at arms length, I never meant for you to feel like that, I love you." she said as she hopped Alex wouldn't ask why she had been with her nose in her computer so much lately.

That was how they gotten to where they were now. Four week later, six in total. Alex had been to twelve sessions, Liv had been still going regularly to hers, and they still had yet to do more than some kissing and heavy petting, but Liv was determined to change that when they got to Vegas. Alex and Liv, talked almost every night, they had watched movies, spent time just snuggling and all the while, Alex let Liv take the lead, if Liv wanted some kissing she let her lead, if they ended up heavy petting Liv took the reins and Alex did only what Liv told her too. Alex had to admit a Dominate Liv was very hot.

"Liv," Alex raised a brow as she looked around at the luggage, "really this much for an over night trip? Will you tell me what's going on really?" Just as Olivia went to speak she was saved by the cab she had called pulling up and started to get the stuff into it. "You'll see soon, come on we can't be late." That was all Alex got and sighing she gave up control of this too and decided to go with it. She usually didn't like giving it up, but where Liv was concerned she was learning to let Liv have the control she lost, and kissed her as she got into the cab.

**Please as Always R/R, I know I said next one would be the lighter happy trip, and we are getting there, but I had to show how the happier times started.**


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