My So Called Life 1. Chapter 1 The Compass

I

It's been about two months since the night I left Brian Krakow standing in the street to take a drive with Jordan Catalano. In those two months I've been slowly working myself out of the whole that was dug for me by circumstances far beyond my control. It's certainly helped that Jordan was able to confess to me that night what I already knew. He didn't write that letter, Brian did. But also that he did feel all the things I read in that letter, it felt so good to hear.

Forgiving him has also helped me forgive Rayanne. It's taken longer and by no means is our friendship the same; I think we both never expected it to be. I still need Rayanne in my life, to remind me how to just be free and enjoy things. She gets me out of my head; she keeps me from analyzing everything to death. It brings me relief from myself and that is a good thing. I'll never forget the look on Rickie's face the day Rayanne and I finally made up. It was beginning to take its toll on him and I could tell he was starting to pull away from us both because of it. He's still living with , he likes it there, says he finally feels like he has a real family. We can't talk about it at school, Rickie's afraid that if someone finds out that Mr. Katimsky will get fired. I don't think that would happen, but I still don't bring it up because of the look of panic on Rickie's face when I do.

I'm starting to feel like a have an actual group of friends. Sharon and I are much closer now, it's like we've both seen the change in each other and decided to forge ahead with our friendship in spite of it. She and Rayanne still won't fully admit that they're friends; the closest I've ever heard them say is when Rayanne said that they've just agreed to not hate each other so much anymore. Rickie and Delia Fisher are like permanently attached at the hip now. It's nice that Rickie has someone to look out for him since he's always looking after someone else. I like her I do; it's just awkward sometimes what happened with her and Brian because of me. I feel bad about that but I'm not sure how to apologize or if it was really even my fault.

Things with Brian have been difficult to say the least. The look on his face that night when he told me about the letter was enough to break my heart. It was quite possibly the hardest thing I've ever had to do when I came back after talking to Jordan and I crossed that street to Brian's house to tell him I couldn't return the feelings he'd put into that letter. The pavement was wet and smooth like a black ocean stretched out forever and it seemed to be dragging me down into its murky depths with every heavy step I took towards that front door. He took it well though, said that he understood and that he never really expected anything else from me. He quit tutoring Jordan after that; I can't say that I blame him. When I see him in that hall I always smile and say hello, but he won't make direct eye contact with me anymore. It hurts to know that someone who's been in my life for so long can't stand to look at my face, but I can't lie to him I never could. He always knew when I was being false and he deserves more that some pathetic attempt at small talk on my part so I save us both the embarrassment and just keep walking.

It's almost my birthday and I'm getting excited about it. Something about your sixteenth birthday just feels a little more magical than the birthdays before. I mean I don't think I'm getting a car or anything but it just feels like something big is about to happen. Jordan lets me drive his car sometimes and my dad takes me out every once in a while on Sundays, I'm getting better. My mom is planning a party for me next Saturday, I know she's excited but I also think this is something she's using to help take her mind off the fact that my dad is never really home anymore. She won't say it but I can tell they're slowly unraveling. I would blame Hallie Lowenthal like Camille Cherski does, but I know better. I know it's really my fathers fault for allowing it to happen, for doing whatever it is that he does with Hallie when they stay at the restaurant until w 2 o'clock in the morning, and for whatever he was doing or thinking of doing with that woman I saw him with in the street. It's made me look at him differently but he's still my dad and I still love him even through my anger. My mom just hides her anger in her work and in smaller things like my party or Danielle's science project.

It's funny when I look back on the things that Rayanne or Rickie have said about my family before and how perfect it is. They were really just projecting onto it what they wanted or maybe needed it to be. But no one has a perfect family. We can't because it's just a group of imperfect beings grouped together out of fate trying to live together without killing each other. Jordan says that I'm lucky though to like have people that care about me. I know that's true and not just a projection because he's told me things about his parents and it makes me want to try to not take mine for granted so much.

Things with Jordan and I are, well they're great. I mean we've never said that we are boyfriend/girlfriend, but it works for us to be undefined. I didn't think I would be ok with that but it feels good to know that we just want to be together all the time; we're not together out of obligation. It makes everything more special. It's been hard to get our friends to understand it, they're coming around though. Sharon has promised to stop insulting him and she's working on not glaring or rolling her eyes when he interrupts' our conversations in the hall. And just the other night at band practice Shane actually asked my opinion on a song. Jordan says he's got something really special planned for my birthday. Rayanne seems to think it has something to do with sex. Rayanne thinks everything has something to do with sex so I don't really take it to heart. If it was something to do with sex I don't think I'd be completely adverse to it. We haven't really talked about it since the first time we were together. I mean we've certainly come closer this time around, but Jordan's never pressured me to go any further than I was ready to. He's kind of grown up a little bit since the first time we were together. It's like he's taking it serious this time around which makes me more comfortable with him.

I'm sitting in the back of his car, the weathers not too bad so the top is down. I'm waiting for him to finish tutoring. I keep telling him I'll help him, but he says we'd never get any real work done. He's right. It's funny that he's the one saying things like that to me now. The sun is shining and there's a small breeze that's carrying the smell of warmer weather with it. I love days like this when you can feel the change in the air it feels invigorating and exciting. I can see him coming down the steps of the school he's looking at me and smiling that smile that he saves just for me. He crosses the parking lot and I can feel the air being sucked out of me as the butterflies dance in my stomach. He has his hands in his pockets, probably fishing for his cigarettes and lighter. My heart starts to race in anticipation of him speaking to me, kissing me, and just being near me.

It's such a rush or excitement that I almost forget where I am and that Brian Krakow has been watching me for the last twenty minutes. I glance and see that Brian has left and I breathe a sigh of relief and return my attention to Jordan as he reaches the car. "Hey" he says in that sweet seductive way of his. I lick my lips in anticipation of kissing him. He bends down to meet my lips, mine part and my breath stalls again. He pauses right before our lips touch. My heart falls for a moment but then I open my eyes to see his two beautiful blue ones looking back at me with such passion and love that my heart begins to sing and smile breaks across my face that I'm sure you could see from the moon. "What?" I ask through my goofy grin. He smiles a coy smile that screams at me to kiss the lips that own it. "Your just look so beautiful sitting here, it like hurts to look at you." My heart bursts into a million tiny pieces no longer able to hold in all the emotion. The feeling catapults me forward to his mouth.

This is no ordinary kiss, it holds all the love my teenage soul can possess all the feelings I've had for Jordan Catalano since the day first saw him leaning on a locker dreaming the day away. All the hours, and minutes I spent obsessing on every nuance of his being until I was sick of living inside my own mind. All those pent up emotions just came pouring out into that one kiss in the back of his convertible with the sun shining down. Then something happened that I didn't really expect, although I'm not sure what I expected. I started to feel all that emotion being returned, as Jordan put both of his hands on my cheeks and kissed me harder and deeper than I've ever thought it possible to be kissed. When he finally pulled away and stood there looking into my eyes again all I could say was " WOW" and he smiled a little sheepishly at me and said " Yeah" in a husky whisper that gave him away. I'm not sure why but I became a little embarrassed for him and for me. I broke his gaze and looked away tucking some of my hair behind my ear. He shuffled his feet on the ground and then took his cigarettes out of his pocket. As he took one from the pack and placed it between his lips he said "you wanna go somewhere?" He lit the cigarette and took a drag when he exhaled the little circles of smoke danced around his head making him look like he was trapped in a fog. "Sure" I said not wanting to ruin the moment with too many words like I usually do. He came around the car to the driver's side and slid in next to me. He took a few more drags off his cigarette as we sat in silence. I had turned and was facing forward, still caught up in the moment and feeling of that kiss, it' heat still radiating off my lips like hot steam. He finished his cigarette and tossed it out onto the pavement. Then he turned his head and shifted his body towards me. "Angela, what happened before…I mean just now that kiss…I've never…I mean it was…"

I turned and looked at him his eyes bright and dancing a look of wonder mixed with disbelief on his face. "Amazing" I said finishing his thought. I could feel my face tighten with the smile that was breaking free as I said what I hoped we were both thinking about what had just happened. "Yeah…yeah it was..." He said trailing off before repeating my word, like he was so sure that of the word he didn't even have to say it again. He shook his head a little. "So, where do you want to go?" "Anywhere" I said still smiling. He started the car and we began to drive out of the parking lot. "Oh do you want me to put the top up?" he asks. "No" I say, "it feels good". My hair is whipping around my face, into my eyes and my mouth but I don't care. The air smells sweet and clean. Every once and a while Jordan and I exchange looks, knowing looks. A change has occurred and I think we can both feel it. It doesn't weigh me down the way most sudden changes in life seem to; this change makes me feel lighter, freer, and happy. I try to look at Jordan, really look at him to see if he feels the same way. It's hard to really see him through my hair and the wind. I can't see his eyes, but through the blur of red swarming around my eyes I can see the corners of his mouth are fixed upward in a grin. I've never seen Jordan grin like that. He's always giving me coy sexy smiles that tell me he's thinking of things that make me blush. Sometimes when we're joking around he'll smile really big and laugh, but never a grin and never for so long. I'm going to take this as a sign, a sign that my life may have just figured out how to get good. Like really good.


	2. Chapter 2 Empty Celebrations

**Just wanted to take a minute and say thanks for the awesome reviews...it means alot! I have another story that I'm working on as well. Just trying to see what response I'm getting. I could use some suggestions on where to go from here on this one so please don't be shy!**

**Also, I know I didn't put this in the first chapters so I'll make up for it now...I do not own MSCL or any of the characters so no one sue me please!**

I've been sixteen for three days. I was wrong it doesn't feel any different. Not that what I was feeling before was so bad, I just thought turning sixteen meant turning some kind of corner in life. Maybe you do turn a corner but it just takes you right back to where you were at fifteen.

Today is my party, my mom won't stop talking about it, it like consumes her. Don't get me wrong I'm grateful for all the work she's put into it, but it's starting to feel like she's just using it to trap my dad into spending sometime with us and away from Hallie and the restaurant. So it's starting to feel forced, which is not what I had envision for my sixteenth birthday. As if the family drama weren't enough to make me want to crawl under a rock and die, my mom decides to tell me today that oh by the way I invited Brian Krakow and of course he accepted the invitation because apparently his threshold for awkward is like exponentially higher than mine and he'd like to throw that in my face as a birthday present.

So I'm sitting here on my bed pretending to look at a magazine while my mom decorates our dining room for the party. Apparently I'm not allowed to come downstairs until it's done according to my sister it wouldn't be right if I did. My mother seems all to willing to comply with this twisted logic so here I sit, banished to my room on my birthday. Well not my birthday, the day of my party. I have this knot churning inside my stomach that tells me this party is already doomed for disaster. But there's nothing I can do to stop it, which makes me feel even worse, and being cooped up in my room is certainly not helping.

I can here Sharon and Camille come in downstairs and a little wave of relief washes over me. At least I don't have to sit up here alone anymore. Sharon comes excitedly into my room and plops onto my bed. "So, happy birthday, or party, or whatever." she says. "Thanks." I say a little flatly. "What's the matter Chase Face I thought you were looking forward to your party?" "I was, I mean I am it's just I don't know I get the feeling it's not gonna be what I hoped it would be." Sharon looks at me a little confused. "Why?" she asks me. Where to start I ask myself, I decide to skip the family drama portion, she's probably already heard all about it from her mom anyway.

"Brian Krakow's coming" I say hoping that will clarify things enough. It seems to as Sharon nods her head "Oh, well maybe he won't stay long or something." That's it, that's Sharon's pep talk, her sage words of advice? Oh God there goes my stomach again. "So, "she says look at me expectantly, "what did Jordan do for you for your birthday?" Sharon had become the kind of person that used things like Christmas gifts and birthday plans as a litmus test for relationships. So I was hesitant to tell her that Jordan hadn't done anything with me for my birthday except our normal make out session in his car before, during, and after school. He did assure me several times that I would get my gift today, but I couldn't help but feel like that wouldn't be enough to satisfy Sharon and I couldn't take any of her disapproving looks or lectures about Jordan today, I just couldn't. "Oh yeah know we hung out, but he said I had to wait until today to get my present." Sharon nodded her head in approval but her eyes said that she didn't think Jordan was good enough for me and she was waiting for him to screw up again so she could prove it. Things like that about Sharon really drove me nuts, but she was my oldest friend in the world so I put up with it.

Sharon and I are still on my bed talking when my sister comes in to tell us that my grandparents are here and that we can come downstairs now. When I come downstairs it feels like all the air has been sucked out of the room and I can't breath, the knot in my stomach has become an anchor in the pit of my stomach and my mouth is dry and it's hard to speak. The world feels like a blur of light moving around me. People speak to me, I even speak back although I have no idea what I'm saying. More people arrive and it becomes even more of an out of body experience where things are just happening in the room but no of it seems within my control.

Just as everything starts to feel like it's closing in on me and I start to panic a little because I can't breath. Everything goes in slow motion as I see the front door open the light from outside spill onto the floor, I can hear my heart pounding in my head and I gulp down the lump just stands still. He comes up to me and smiles "Hey" he says and I feel myself exhale and relax. "Hey" I say and smile and look into those blue pools staring back at me. He takes my hand in his and gives it a little squeeze. " You wann like go out and get some air?" It's like music to my ears. "Yes" I say and he pulls me to the door.

As soon as we're outside the cool air clears the last of the fog from my head. He takes me down to his car on the curb and he leans against it and pulls a cigarette from his pocket. After he lights it and takes a drag he pulls me in to his side and wraps me in his arms. I look up at him from the warmth of inside his jacket. "You havin' a good time?" he asks me. "I am now" I say sweetly. He kisses the top of my head, he leaves his face there for a moment inhaling and exhaling like he's trying to take me in through the air. We stand there in silence for a few minutes as he finishes his cigarette and I relish this moment of peace and the feeling of his body against mine.

I'm not even sure why I wasn't really having a good time at the party I had been excited about it all week, having my newly formed group of friends all together, the excitement of finally being sixteen, of course seeing Jordan never failed to fill me up with butterflies and a giddy sort of happiness that I really can't explain. But, for some reason as soon as I got downstairs everything just seemed far away and slightly blurred at the edges like a dream or something on T.V. not real and definetly not what I imagined it to be. It was an out of body experience in the worst kind of way and I was not looking forward to going back in out of fear that the fresh air and Jordan's presence wouldn't be enough to keep my head firmly secured in reality for round two. I tensed a little when out of the corner of my eye I see him toss his cigarette onto the curb and crush out the orange ember with the toe of his boot, I knew my repreave was almost over. "Come on we should get back inside." I look up to meet his eyes. "Do we have to?" I say with a twinge of sadness that even I can hear in my voice. He shifts his weight from the car and pulls his arm from around my waist and grabs my hand as he pushes off the car and heads for the house.

I look at my house and the setting sun makes it possible to see the light and shadows inside the house. It looks like a living thing, and in my mind it seems that if it were a living thing staring back at me now I would see my own sad reluctance reflecting back to me through it's glassy eyes, making me even more hesitant to leave the warmth comfort of Jordan's arms out here on the curb."Wait" I say holding my spot on the step below Jordan on my front porch. "What about my present? You said I was going to get a present today." Jordan stops on his step and looks down at me for a moment before pulling me up to meet him. "I wanted to wait 'til later, when we're you know alone. 'Cause it's kinda personal." I'm lost in his gaze in the hypnotic blue of his eyes and the sent of his hair and the cigarette he just finished and it all just feels so perfect to me, his words, the way I feel right here in this moment on my front steps while my party goes on without me inside. So I do what feels natural for the moment, I kiss Jordan and fall further into his trance. I am so caught up in him and our moment that I don't notice that we are in the presence of company. I have no idea how long we have been lost standing here kissing each other and I also have no idea how long Brian Krakow stood there watching until he cleared his throat and shuffeld his feet on the pavement of the walkway leading to my portch.

Apperently I was still lost in a haze even when I heard him and Jordan pulled away from me and turned his head to see him standing there, because it took me to hear Jordan say his name to come completley back to reality. "Oh hey Brain." Jordan said as he rubbed my back with one hand and shoved the other one in his pocket. The other thing that I had totally faild to recognize was that the temperature had dropped since we'd come outside thanks to the setting sun. "How long have you been stading there?" I asked finally realizing the invasion of privacy and the awkwardness of the situation. Brian was still shifting his weight from one foot to the other nervously, obviously not entirely comfortable either, disproving my earlier theory about him. "Oh um not long I guess. Your mom invited me, you know to your party. So that's like why I'm here. You know in case you were wondering or whatever. I mean I can't stay long because I have way too much homework to do. I just thought I'd come over and wish you a happy birthday, and you know take a break. So yeah um happy birthday Chase." With that he turned and started to walk back towards his house. "Brian, wait you don't have to leave now. You could like come in for cake if you want."

I was trying to do the nice thing, the polite thing, what my mother would have wanted me to do. But on the inside I was praying that Brian would decline the invitation for cake because I was already having a hard enough time pretending to enjoy this party I couldn't imagine how difficult that would be to do while I was juggling Jordan and Brian in the same room together for the first time since the letter. Brian turned around and I could tell by the small smile on his face that I was not going to be so lucky as to escape that torture today. "Well, ok I mean I guess I could come in for a little bit I mean if you're sure you want me to." " Of course." I lied right through my teeth.

I looked up at Jordan who had a distant look on his face like he was somewhere far away, like somehow he'd just seperated himself from the entire conversation to escape the awkwardness and gone somewhere peaceful and serene so he didn't have to deal with what was happening here in reality. He had to teach me how to do that. I pulled Jordan to the door and looked back as Brian climbed the steps behind us. I paused right before I pushed the front door open and exhaled a heavy sigh.


	3. Chapter 3 The 5 Senses

*Thanks for the reviews they really helped. I hope this chapter is broken down in a way that makes it easier to read. Also, I know that it is shorter but I kinda liked the idea of ending on this cliff hanger. Please continue to R&R and read my other story "Filling the Void". Much love - GNG23

I hope that when I look back to the best moments of my life that I'll be able to remember them with enough clarity that I'll be transported back in time, and that the feelings of happiness will wash over and take me far away from whatever bad might have happened in between. This is defiantly one of those happy times that I hope to be able to dust off and revisit from time to time.

I keep trying in vain to force my eyes open while we kiss so that I can remember the face he makes when he's kissing me. I take my time running my fingers through his hair so I will always be able to recall how silky smooth it is in the back. I savor each long kiss and the taste of his tongue on mine. I inhale extra slow and deep so that his smell will seep into the farthest parts of my mind, so that when the wind blows just right and I catch a small whiff of it, in my mind I will still be lying here next to him. The thing I cling to the most of all is the low husky way that my name comes out of his mouth and into my ear in between kisses on my neck and jaw. I hope that I never forget that sound as long as I live.

We made it through the party, barely. It wasn't like it was as terrible as I thought it was going to be, I actually had a pretty good time after Jordan came. That was really the problem. I knew that if Jordan and I could just be alone that I wouldn't have to think about my parents, or my friends, or my party and whether or not I was enjoying it like I thought I should. All I wanted was to be in his arms and let everything else float away.

It made the time drag by and when we would steal glances at each other, or when he would come stand beside me while I was talking to someone and grab my hand and start to trace little circles with his thumb, my mind would just start to go blank and I would start to feel myself becoming less and less interested in what the other person had to say, and I would want to run out the door with him and into the sanctuary of his car.

When the party was over and everyone was leaving I was so glad to finally be able to go somewhere with Jordan alone that it didn't even dawn on me that I've never been to Jordan's house before or what it could imply that he was taking me there. So it seemed a little silly in the car when he kept saying that if I didn't want to go there we could go someplace else. Now here we are lying in his bed, Rayanne's prediction suddenly doesn't feel too far off and I start to panic a little so I break our kiss and pull away from his body.

"What's the matter?" Jordan says looking confused by my sudden change.

"Nothing," I say shaking my head and giving him a small smile. "I was just wondering if there is another reason you brought me here, or is making out my birthday present."

Jordan pulls me in closer to him and brushes hair from my face.

"Nah," he says "I got ya somthin'. I just ya know brought you here cause it's like, you know havin' you here in my bed, that's like a gift for me."

I feel my face get hot and I know it's got to be a shade of red that would rival my hair right now, and I am so relieved when Jordan rolls off the bed and walks over to his dresser. I sit up in anticipation of my gift. Jordan comes back and sits next to me.

"Here," he says as he presents a white envelope "ah, happy birthday."

I take the envelope from his hand and slowly open it to reveal two concert tickets.

"You like them right," Jordan said a little unsure "I mean I thought I heard you say that you like them."

"Are you kidding, I love the Smashing Pumpkins!" I respond and throw my arms around him in a hug.

"So, I was thinking you know that we could like go to the concert together, it's in like a couple of weeks in Pittsburg ." Jordan said.

"Well actually, I was thinking maybe I could take one of the other guys I make out with, you know vary it up a bit." I said laughing.

"Ya know, it's a good thing you're hot 'cause you're not funny at all!" he said as he pushed my playfully in the arm.

"You think I'm hot?" I ask leaning in and kissing him lightly on the lips.

"You know what I think." He says kissing me back and running his hands up my sides and then pulling me closer to him and deepening his kiss.

I can feel myself start to drift away from reality again. Being with Jordan Catalano can make me forget anything, I swear it's a miracle that I remember my own name sometimes. I feel him leaning us back onto his bed and anchoring himself on top of me. The weight of his body on mine makes me relax a little more, like it gives me some kind of security to be basically trapped underneath him.

His hand has made its way underneath my shirt and the sensation of his skin on my skin is causing me to float even farther from myself. Then I feel his hand begin to travel down my stomach and his fingers being to toy with the edge of my jeans. He doesn't stop kissing me but his hand stalls there like he's waiting for some kind of signal from me. This realization brings me right back to reality.

I start to get nervous again, only this time I'm making myself nervous. It feels so good to be here with him like this. I feel safe and happy, and I love him so much. But, I have absolutely no idea how to tell him that it's ok to go a little further without having to actually say that. I mean I don't want to sound like some sort of idiot and completely ruin the mood. Jordan must be able to sense that something's not right because he stops kissing me and rolls off me slightly. Great now I've worried so much about killing the mood that I've killed the mood. Nice one Chase.

Jordan looks at me intently, "is everything o.k.?"

"Yeah, everything's great." I say hoping he'll believe me.

The look on his face says that he doesn't. He doesn't say anything though, but the silence is the same as actually calling me out on my B.S., and I know that I'm going to have to come clean.

"Okay, this is kind of embarrassing, so no laughing!" I point my finger up at him so he'll know I'm serious but I'm smiling at him because I can't help it.

"Okay, I promise." He says as he turns on his side and props himself up on his elbow and waits for me to humiliate myself.

"See the thing is, I just get like scared to you know, take things further with you sometimes. It's not because I don't you know trust you, because I do. I mean you've been so amazing to wait for me to be ready and I don't like feel pressured or anything. It's just that I'm scared because you know, I kind of do, feel ready. It's just that I feel that way because of how I feel about you and I'm scared because I don't know…I mean do you…ya know."

I finally take a breath and wait for Jordan 's response. There it is the question I've needed an answer to since the day Jordan kissed me in his car outside Brian's house. I have been dreaming about and dreading this moment for so long now and here it is. When Jordan turned my head to face him my breath caught in my throat, this is it, hear it comes, and then…he left.

"Wait here, I'll be right back." He said as he got up off his bed and walked out of his room.

As soon a Jordan leaves the room I jump off the bed and start to grab my stuff, because I want to be ready to leave when he comes back in case it's bad news. I mean how awful would it be for him to have to stand there and watch me tie my shoes after he's just told me that he doesn't love me. I don't get very far before Jordan comes through the door and he seems surprised to see me scurrying around his room.

"What are you doing?" He asks puzzled, "I said I'd be right back."

"I was just…I don't know." I say embarrassed.

"Well there's this um, this thing I like wanted to show you." He says and glances down at the book he's now holding in his hands.

"Oh, okay." I say and sit back down on the edge of his bed.

He sits next to me and opens the book and lays it on his lap to tuck his hair behind his ear. Then he picks up the book and turns a little so he's kind of facing me.

"We read this once in Katimsky's when you were absent. It was like right after the whole Pike Street thing, and I don't know it just made me realize, you know, how I feel about you."

He clears his throat and exhales deeply before he begins to read.

"My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun; Coral is far more red then her lips red,

If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun, If hair be wires, black wires grow on her head. I have seen roses demask'd, red and white; But no such roses see I in her cheeks; And in some perfumes is there more delight, Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks. I love to hear her speak, yet well I know that music hath a far more pleasing sound; I grant I never saw a goddess go; My mistress when she walks, treads on the ground: And yet I think my love as rare, As any she belied with false compare."

We sit in silence for a minute. That poem sounded beautiful, but I couldn't quite figure out what it was supposed to mean. What it meant to Jordan , and what that meaning had to do with me. I wanted to believe that it meant that he loved me, but I'd been down this road with Jordan Catalano before where he's used someone else's words to make me think the best about him without him actually having to admit anything on his own. So, I decided this time instead of allowing myself to jump to all kinds of conclusions I would make him explain himself, in his own words.

I look over to see Jordan nervously chewing on his thumb nail staring down at the floor with the book still open on his lap. I know I should break the silence and say something to help ease his nerves.

" Jordan that was beautiful." I say hoping that will spur him to explain the meaning.

He stops biting his thumb and takes a deep breath before looking me in the face, I notice that he looks scared and almost vulnerable and my heart skips a beat when I sense what is about to come. There was no reason for me to put on my coat, I'm not going anywhere.

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	4. Chapter 4 A Fresh Perspective

*A/N Ok I'm sorry that it's taken me a while to update this story. I've actually had this chapter sitting around for a while but I was sick for a couple weeks and then out of town. Yada yada you're probably not interested in my sob story. Anyway I've really been enjoying reading some of the new stories that have cropped up here in the last month or so, it's really been great to have so many new fics to read and garner some much needed inspiration from. As always please R&R it is seriously the only thing that drives me to continue. Also, I do have another fic up 'Filling the Void' I would love some more feedback for that one as I have another instalment near compleation and some response on the 1st part would really help me out. Ok enough ranting, I'll leave you with the most important thing...my eteral thanks for reading. On with the show.*

I hate Jordan Catalano! He is officially the most frustrating person on the planet. I mean who does this? Who behaves this way? You can't just read someone some cryptic poem and then give them absolutely no explanation as to what in the world it is supposed to mean, you just can't!

It's been an hour since he dropped me off at home with that lame explanation of not wanting to make my mom angry by keeping me out too late. It was only 9:00 on a Saturday for cryin' out loud, the day of my birthday party no less. He knew perfectly well that my mom would have let me stay out until at least 11:00 tonight. He just didn't want to have to explain himself and that stupid poem. Why is he like this? Why can't he just speak to me like a normal person? That's it I'm calling Rickie.

"Rickie?"

"Angela, hey."

"Is it too late to be calling?"

"No, its fine I just got back from the movies with Delia. What's up?"

"Oh my god Rickie, I need your help."

"Okay spill it, what is going on with you and Jordan Catalano this time?"

As I am filling Rickie in on the events of the evening something begins to dawn on me. It must have come to Rickie at the same time because before I can even get my head around it he just asks me.

"Well how did you describe your feelings for him?"

"I didn't really," I hesitantly reply. "I mean I hinted at things but I never really came out and said anything specific I guess."

"So why are you so mad at him for doing basically the same thing?" Rickie asks stating the obvious as usual.

"I don't know it's stupid I guess. It's just I'm so scared to like tell him everything about how I feel. I mean things have been so good lately and I don't know, we haven't even said if we're like a couple or whatever and I just don't want to mess it all up, ya know?"

I can almost hear the wheels turning in Rickie's mind as he takes all of this in, and I pray that he has some advice or perspective that will help me make some sense out of all of this.

"Look Angela, I totally understand. I mean you've had all these feelings for Jordan Catalano for like ever now and I can't imagine trying to put them into words in front of him. But maybe he's feeling the same. I mean not exactly the same but something close. Just try to see it from his point of view, I don't think Jordan Catalano has ever had a girlfriend before and it kinda goes without saying that he's never said I love you to a girl. Not to mention, well I mean he's told you about his dad right?"

"Yeah," I say quietly into the phone.

"Well speaking from like personal experience or whatever, it's kinda hard to like see yourself being worthy of someone else's love when the people who are like supposed to love you just like don't."

"I guess I never really thought about what it would mean for him to say something like that to someone, to anyone, not just to me," I say half to myself as try to get my grip around the situation.

"Well not to sound you know harsh or anything but maybe you should. You know think about what Jordan 's going through, I mean to you know keep things in perspective or whatever," Rickie says cautiously.

"You're right; I mean I will definitely keep that in mind. And Rickie thank you so much for helping me with this, what would I do without you, "I say hoping my friend doesn't feel taken advantage of.

"Angela," Rickie says. "It's no problem really; I mean that's what friends are for."

"Thanks," I say. "So, I'll talk to you tomorrow okay?"

:"Sure," he says. "Just try not to like rack your brain over it or whatever, I mean these things have like a way of just working out."

"Yeah I know, bye." I say as I quietly hang up the phone.

Rickie always had this way of putting things that make them seem like they should have been that clear to me all along. Like the answers were always there, jut hidden and it took Rickie saying them out loud for me to find my way to them. This time, even though things were all laid out in front of me, I still couldn't figure out my next move. Wait that's a lie, I know exactly what my next move should be but I'm too big a chicken to make it. So now what? Jordan and I just continue to dance around each other? We don't even know the steps.

I continued to pace my room trying to come up with some way around this insurmountable task that was in front of me. I finally gave up out of pure exhaustion and went to bed sometime in the early morning hours, but only after I convinced myself that I still had the entire day before I would have to face Jordan again to come up with some way to dissolve the tension that would surely be between us.

After sleeping away half the day and spending the other half completely spaced out on the couch watching TV I knew the odds where not stacked in my favor for tomorrow but I was too wiped out to really do anything about it. So, once dinner was finished I decided the only thing I could do at this point was to try and clear my head by taking a walk thinking the fresh air would revive me.

I would find no such reprieve outside however because as luck would have it Brian Krakow was riding his bike in circles between our two houses and as soon as he saw me he stopped.

"Oh, um hi," he said as he slowed to a stop.

"Hi Brian," I replied not able to hide the annoyance in my voice.

I started down the steps and made it to the sidewalk in front of my house before he got up the nerve to say anything else.

"So um, how was the rest of your party yesterday?" he asks as he starts to ride the curb slowly next to me as I walk down the street.

"It was you know fine. I mean it was good. Did you have a good time?" I asked trying to keep the conversation pleasant.

We stopped walking and I was standing on the sidewalk facing Brian as he sat on his bike on the street trying to avoid eye contact which ignited my instinct to get out of the situation as soon as possible.

"Uh yeah it good," Brian said as his eyes darted between me and the ground.

"So, how's everything going? I mean is there like some particular reason you're walking out here or I mean not that you like need a reason to walk down your own street I was just you know wondering if you were like okay or whatever." Brian finished his ramble with a long exhale as if he had tried to get that out in one breath so as not to loose his nerve.

Normally I would have found Brian too unbelievably annoying to even think of having this conversation with him, but tonight I just needed to confide in someone. Even if it was just Krakow , besides he would totally understand what I was talking about right?

"Well it's just that," I started to explain to Brian and then it dawned on me that this would not be an appropriate conversation to have with Brian Krakow, the same Brian Krakow that's been in love with me forever and practically choked on the words when he tried and failed to tell me.

"Um, never mind I shouldn't talk to you about this, it wouldn't be right." I say as I start to turn back to my house.

"Why, because it's about you and Jordan Catalano," Brian asked from his bike behind me.

I turned around to face him, "Well yeah, I didn't think you'd want to hear about that. I'm not as heartless as you think I am Brian."

"Look Angela," Brian says as he pushes his bike over to meet me on the sidewalk, "I've been thinking about you know everything that happened, and it's just like so stupid. I mean we should just try to put it behind us and move on. So, we can you know be friends."

"I really appreciate that Brian, and I do want us to be friends," I say as I tuck some loose hair behind my ear. "I just don't want to cause you any unnecessary pain or whatever. I mean I just don't know if it's a good idea to start off talking about Jordan Catalano."

"Oh, so that _is _why you're out here. Because of something that Jordan Catalano said?" Brian asked me in that tone of voice that said that he wasn't going to drop the subject no matter how much I wanted him to.

"Actually, it's what we both won't say," I explain finally giving in to Brian's unspoken demand to be let in to my life no matter the cost to his own welfare.

"What do you mean?" Brian asked

"It's like we're dancing around each other but neither one of us knows the steps," I begin to explain when suddenly I see headlights coming down the street. The car stops in front of my house and I feel my heart start to pound in my ears as I recognize the familiar red convertible now parked on the curb.

I look back at Brian, "I better go, but thanks you know for wanting to help."

"Yeah sure anytime," Brian said with a hint of sadness in his voice.

As I walk towards the car Jordan gets out of the drivers side and walks to meet me halfway on the sidewalk.

"Hey," he says in that soft way of his that makes my heart melt.

"Hey," I reply as I look into his eyes and see the hurt and sadness swimming around inside them.

"I was hoping we could you know talk about yesterday," he says without meeting my eyes. It's obvious he feels bad.

"Sure," I say putting my hand in his.

"Cool," he says as a small smile creeps across his face as he leads us to his car. He opens the door for me but stops me as I go to get in. He leans in and kisses me sweetly on the lips.

As he lets go of my hand I get into the car and he closes my door. The feeling of his lips still fresh on mine, my body buzzing and warm from the sensation of him being near me. I love Jordan Catalano he is officially the most amazing person on the planet.


	5. Chapter 5 Simple As It Should Be

*A/N: Ok I'm feeling pretty good about this chapter. It's the only one so far where I don't jump forward in time, I just felt like these two needed to address this problem before we could move on. It was a avery critical point in their relationship...at least I think so. As alway I can't wait to see what you all think so please R&R it means the world to me! Also, I must say that I am really enjoying all of your stories, please keep them coming! Thanks agian and I hope you enjoy!

We sat encased in the silent shelter of Jordan's car. Our heads resting together on the back of the seat, our breathing had become a sort of quiet song as we fell into rhythm with each other. I felt like I was in some sort of trance sitting there listening to Jordan and I breath together while he traced his thumb along the edge of my palm. I knew that we should talk about what happened, but at that moment I couldn't force myself to break through the symphony of silence between us.

In some weird way it felt good to just be there like this after everything that had happened yesterday, how everything became so complicated. It comforted me to know that we could still do something so small and simple, like nothing else would ever matter as long as Jordan would come and take my hand and lie next to me and breathe for a while. It was as simple as I could've ever wanted anything to be.

Jordan let out a long sigh as he shifted his body to turn and face me. The trance was broken and I came back to reality.

"Um," Jordan started quietly. "I guess we should you know talk or whatever about yesterday."

"Yeah, I guess we should." I say reluctantly agreeing.

"See the thing is Angela," Jordan starts hesitantly. "I just don't know how to be around you."

I have to be in some kind of alternate universe or something, because the idea that Jordan Catalano has like trouble figuring out how he is supposed to be around_ me _is like completely opposed to anything that could happen in the real world.

"I think people should always just be themselves." I say only to instantly regret it; I mean who am I the guidance councilor.

"Yeah but what if it isn't good enough," Jordan says while looking at me nervously from under his eyelashes. "I mean you're like the only reason that I'm doing even half way good in school, and even if I do graduate it's not like I'm going to college. Not that you know I'd like even have the money anyway."

"No you're wrong," I say a little angry that he doubts himself so much. "You shouldn't say things like that. You are smart and I think you can do anything you want in life."

"Why do you say things like that?" Jordan says the irritation heavy in his words. "I mean you can't just say those kinds of things!"

"But it's the truth Jordan, why can't you believe it, why can't you believe in yourself?" I say pleading with him to stop putting himself down.

"Stop it! Stop saying things like that," Jordan says raising his voice. "People I know…they don't…they don't say things like that. I mean no one's ever said those kinds of things."

The silence returns between us only this time it's not the delicate cocoon it was before that seemed to be protecting us from the harsh realities of the outside world. This silence contains all the abrasive emotions of two hearts in turmoil. It seemed to be hanging in the air around us like a thick vapor making the moment feel all too authentic.

I start to hear Rickie's words of advice replaying in my brain, and I remember what he said about believing you are worthy of love and how hard all of this must be for someone like Jordan. I decide that it is up to me to break the tension and put myself out there and hope that he doesn't close himself off and run away leaving me with another broken heart.

I take a few deep breaths to prepare myself for what I'm about to say. I glance over at Jordan who is biting his thumb like he always does when he gets nervous, what does he have to be nervous about I'm the one about to make a complete fool of myself. I decide that I won't be able to look at him and make it through this so I focus on the veiw in fromt of me

"See the thing," I begin," is that well you're important to me, I mean like really important to me and spending time with you and getting to know you, I've developed certain feelings for you. Well one really strong feeling in particular, and I guess what I'm trying to say is that I…"

"Angela," Jordan interrupts before I can finish. "Uh you don't have to uh, well uh what I mean is I um I think I know what you're trying to say, and I uh you know think I know that because I uh well I um think I feel the same."

I realize that I've been holding my breath since he started talking and so I exhale a little bit but I'm too nervous to relax all the way, because I think Jordan Catalano is about to tell me he loves me, and I'm pretty sure if he does I might like die of happiness.

"It's just that there are like these certain words that like I'm not you know, like totally ready to say." Jordan scoots closer to me and takes my face in his hands and looks deeply into my eyes before he continues his explanation.

"Angela," he says and it comes out a little above a whisper. "You deserve to hear those words, and I don't want to hurt you anymore."

I sit there staring into Jordan's eyes that are riddled with pain and sadness and it dawns on me that he's breaking up with me, he's breaking up with me because I love him and he loves me but he can't say it and now he's actually breaking up with me!

Jordan's hands fall away from my face and he shifts away from me as his facial expression changes from sadness to confusion. "You're mad," he says staring at me.

Of course I'm mad, why wouldn't I be mad you're breaking up with me because we're in love!

"No," I say trying to hold back the hurt and anger. "I mean why would I be mad, it's not like we're breaking up or something!" I say sarcastically sort of shouting trying to choke back the tears that have formed around my eyes.

"What are you talking about, why would we be breaking up?" He shoots back incredulously.

"Well isn't that what you're doing, trying to let me down gently by telling me I deserve all the things that you won't give me." I fire back trying to hold my own in the argument.

"I'm trying to tell you that I don't want to let you down at all!" He says raising his voice to get his point across. "I just want you to give me some time" his voice starts to return to its normal level. "'Cause I'm just not ready to like go there or whatever, just not yet."

"So," I say hesitantly hoping that this time I've understood him correctly. "You just want me to wait 'til you're ready?"

"Well," he says looking up at me from under his eyelashes as he takes his thumb from his mouth. "I've been waiting for you for like ever now…"

His lips curl into a grin and as I catch his drift I begin to blush and can't help but let a smile sweep all the sadness and anger from my face.

"Oh," I say letting a giggle come out with my words relieved that we have come out the other side of the argument able to joke around with each other. "Is that so?"

He grabs me around the waist and pulls me to his side and brushes my hair behind my ear giving him full access to my neck and he proceeds to take full advantage. More giggles escape as I play at trying to get out of his grip.

After a few minutes we return to resting our heads next to one another's on the back of the seat and it's not long before we are once again safe inside our cocoon breathing together in sweet simplicity, everything as it should be.


	6. Chapter 6 The Bathroom Tribunal

******First off thanks to everyone that's been reading and reviewing I greatly appriciate it. Of course I must give a shout out to Luvjordan with out whom this would have been totally possible but probably not nearly as good, but seriously thank you, you've been a life saver.

As for the story, I just want to warn everyone that I will be changing the rating for the next chapter. Things for Angela are going to be getting progressivly more intense and personal and I just can't keep it at a K rating. But I wanted to give everyone some advance notice before I did. I really hope that won't deter any of you from continuing to read the story because I would hate to lose any of your great feedback.

That being said...on with the show*********

I think I might be ready to have like actual sex with Jordan Catalano. I mean I've thought about it like a million times, what it would be like to be, you know with someone like that. Not just Jordan, but like to be intimate with another person in a way that will connect you to them forever. I'm not like a pervert or anything, most of the time I just think about lying there with him holding me. But then about 3 days ago something changed, something sort of switched on inside me.

As I walk into the girls bathroom I can hear Rayanne and Sharon at the sink together, and I smile to myself because I know its gossip that has them both whipped into the current frenzy I find them in.

"Well then Carrie Washington is a complete idiot," Rayanne says as she twists part of her hair into a bun and wraps a scruchie around the knot of hair at the back of her head. "Because even the janitor knows that Kevin has been screwing around with Jill Hassock since Christmas break! Oh, hey Angelica! What's shakin' bakin'?"

The smile fades from my face when I realize I should probably just ask them for some advice, but do I really want to be having this conversation in a public bathroom and with Rayanne no less.

Both Sharon and Rayanne turn to face me from their posts at the sink when I don't immediately respond to Rayanne's greeting.

"Oh," I say realizing they can both see the torment all over my face. "I was just you know wondering if I could maybe ask you both something…see it's about…well it's about sex."

I see the interest in their faces as they start to light up inside at the idea of having this conversation and it makes me regret bringing it up almost instantaneously, but I know there is no turning back now. I grab each of them by the arm and pull them into an empty stall so I don't have to have the rest of this conversation with an audience.

"See, the thing is I think I might be…ready, you know to _do__it_ with Jordan." I say whispering so that no one else will hear.

"Really…" they both say in unison. Sharon's voice reflecting her interest while Rayanne's falls flat like she doesn't believe it is true.

"Why would you say it like that?" I ask Rayanne.

"Well, I mean come on Angela," Rayanne sighs, "you've had like a million opportunities to sleep with the guy but it just always ends up with you backing out. No offense or anything I mean I know you weren't _ready_ or whatever. It's just you know how do you know that you _are,_ you know _ready now_?"

Rayanne had been digging through her bag as she was talking and had stopped momentarily to await my answer. She had a point a very valid point, _what has changed_?

"Listen, I think what Rayanne is trying to say," Sharon began trying to fill the semi-awkward silence that was beginning to creep in around us while shooting Rayanne a mildly annoyed glance.

"No, she's right." I said before Sharon could continue. "I mean something did, you know _change_. And I just wanted to, y'know ask if it was the same for you. I mean like when you said how like one day you were just like _ready_."

There was a palpable tension in the air as Sharon and Rayanne waited with baited breath to hear about the course of events that had led me to such an epiphany.

"So…," Rayanne drew the word out and turned her head as if to emphasize her point that I needed to just spit it out already.

"Ugghh," I sighed knowing it was time to spill it or risk Sharon and Rayanne pulling me apart limb from limb.

"Ok so a couple of days ago we had gone to Jordan's house after school, y'know to be like _alone _or whatever," I said blushing slightly at saying these things out loud even if it was just to my friends.

Sharon and Rayanne are nodding their heads and their mouths were turned into slight grins as if they were trying to nonverbally encourage me to continue. I close my eyes trying to recall the moment accurately and also to draw the will power to proceed.

"We were lying on Jordan's bed and we were kissing, and his hands were…well they were..." I pause and open my eyes. "Well you know." I say blushing and grinning stupidly hoping they would understand.

What I wanted to tell them was that there was just like this passion between us, like this fire that was radiating from inside us both. And I just felt so amazing, and for the first time it wasn't because he's _Jordan Catalano_ and I've been fantasizing about him all year. It was because I love him and I think I know for sure now that he loves me and realizing that at that exact moment brought out this gut wrenching, stomach turning need inside me to be close to him. Not just in like a physical sense but to be _a part of him_, and it was just so…overwhelmingly intense that I felt like I might _**explode**_ into a million pieces.

But I don't say that because something's are just like too personal, even for your friends.

"It was like this force had taken over my body and I couldn't even think anymore all I could do was act…so I _did_." I pause here trying to gage their reactions.

"Wait a minute," Rayanne says shaking her head and trying to get her grip. "I thought you said you were_ thinking _aboutsleeping with him, I mean cause if you already have then this is an entirely different conversation."

"Well I mean," I say trying to find the words to clarify the situation. "I am y'know just thinking about it _now_."

"So," Sharon says. "What happened, I mean why didn't _it_ happen?"

"Yeah, I thought you were acting on your impulses?" Rayanne asked popping a piece of gum into her mouth and looking at me expectantly.

"Well, I mean I was doing…_certain things_…y'know to like let him know or whatever. But then we heard his **dad** come home, so then it just wasn't like the right moment anymore." I say hoping this will shed some clarity on the situation.

"OOOHHHHH," they both said in unison as if they'd finally gotten the answer to some really hard math problem.

"Yeah," I say glad they finally understand the situation in its entirety.

"Oh my god Chase face," Sharon says in an appalled tone. "Did his dad like, catch you, _like…_"

"She wants to know if his dad walked in while you guys were going at and saw all your naughty parts." Rayanne says flatly interrupting Sharon. "Cause that would be like a total buzz kill, I remember this one time at this party me and this guy were totally getting into it, I was like _on my way_ if y'know what I mean and all of a sudden this other dudes all like 'hey is this the bathroom', **I- could- have- killed- him** **with my bare hands**"

Sharon shoots Rayanne an annoyed glance for interrupting her and then looks back to me.

"No, his dad didn't catch us," I say continuing my story." We just heard his car pull up so we just stopped and got out of the house as fast as we could and Jordan took me home. We weren't doing anything _like that_ anyway. It was just y'know something about the moment. But now Jordan keeps talking about how next time we'll have to make sure we're going to be alone for a while, so we don't have anymore interruptions or whatever."

"And I know he's just like excited or whatever and I am too, more nervous but kind of excited. It's just that I don't know if I like the idea of it being planned out, and it's kind of like you said," I say pointing to Sharon. "Like its like expected now, and it hasn't even happened yet."

"Oh, I totally understand what you're saying," Sharon says reassuringly. "I mean it's like _all_ guys think about, and like as soon as you mention that you might be interested it becomes like a blood pact that it _will_ happen. And it's like not even when it's just where and how."

"Yeah," I say feeling suddenly empowered by Sharon's triad." It's like there's no escaping it again, and that just makes me not want to do it at all."

"Listen," Sharon says still slightly worked up. "You have to like tell him that it's not like a guarantee or whatever that every time you're alone that it will happen. I mean, scheduling your first time defeats like the entire purpose of waiting."

"Which is…?" Rayanne says questioningly

"To make it like, special, obviously." Sharon fires back with enough attitude to knock a normal person over, but this is Rayanne so she just takes it in stride and mocks Sharon's face and then rolls her eyes.

"I know you're right," I say sighing. "It's just, do you think Jordan will understand y'know that I'm ready, but I still don't want to be like forced into it."

"Look," Sharon says. "The guy has been holding out for you for months, and I'm guessing that's because he really cares about you, just be honest with him about how you feel."

"Yeah, I know." I say smiling a little to myself when I realize how right Sharon is, Jordan really does care about me and he has been so patient already I don't know why I thought he'd over-react…that's my job.

"So," Sharon says arching her eyebrows at me. "Chase face, are you gonna tell us more about Jordan's hands and how they caused your switch to flip? I mean it's moments like that you have to be glad he's had so much like experience, right?"

The gleam in Sharon's eye reminded me of Rayanne and for an instant I was a little unsure if I really liked them spending so much time together.

"Uh," I say blushing and holding back nervous giggles. "I don't think so." I glance over at Rayanne and see her staring at the side of the stall as if she's trying to decode some secret message that will save the planet from peril.

I look back to Sharon and I think she's finally clued in to the awkwardness that has over taken Rayanne and me because she doesn't say anything else on the subject. Mean while the silence must have snapped Rayanne back to reality because it wasn't long until she broke it.

"Well, whatever you do or don't do, there's no reason you shouldn't be prepared right." She says as she begins to dig around in her bag once again. This time she produces a small handful of condoms ranging in color and brand and presents them to me in the palm of her hand.

"Rayanne," I shout as I turn away from her covering my face, embarrassed by the matter of fact presentation of the prophylactics.

"What," she says looking at me with a truly puzzled expression.

"You just like carry those around with you all the time?" I ask still shocked and embarrassed.

"Well yeah," she says flatly. "I mean it's like you said you don't just _plan_ out having sex, and a girls got to be prepared. I mean you can't just count on a guy to always have something, and you wanna talk about a mood killer _nothing_'ll zap your sex drive faster then the thought of gettin' knocked up or catchin' the clap!"

"_Oh my god_," Sharon said half in disgust.

"What," Rayanne shot back. "Tell me I'm wrong. Ok, Angel food let's see what we've got here. Oh ok now this is important." She says shoving one of the condoms into my hand.

"Lubrication is an absolute must, especially on your first time. Now _this_ one," she says flipping over another condom and inspecting it. "Ribbed for her pleasure," she says holding it up. "Yeah, my eye! That's a marketing ploy if I've ever seen one. Guys think just 'cause they put one of these on that means they don't have to do any work. I hate to break it to ya, but ribbed or not there is no such thing as a guaranteed female orgasm."

"Rayanne," I whined almost begging her to stop.

"Oh," she continued on anyway. "One more thing don't be afraid to speak up in the sack. I mean I know it'll be kinda hard for you to know if he's doing it right until you've had some more experience, but that doesn't mean it can't be fun to learn!"

Later on that day Rickie and I were lying on my bed flipping through magazines.

"Thanks for having me over, I've missed hanging out with you lately." Rickie says looking up at me from under his long eyelashes.

"Yeah," I say back. "I'm sorry about that it's just I've been so busy."

"Right," he lets out a little giggle of disbelief and I smack him playfully on his shoulder for busting me in my white lie. "So where is Jordan today anyway?"

"Oh," I reply "He's working."

"Where does he work again?" Rickie asked turning the page of the magazine.

"At that brake and tire place on Richmond, he seems to like it and they give him pretty flexible hours, plus he gets to use their tools to work on his car whenever he wants. But I guess some guy quit or something so he's gonna have to pick up a few more hours for a while."

"So," Rickie said. "I'm guessing since I haven't seen too much of you lately that everything's going ok between you guys."

"Yeah," I say. "Things have been great…maybe a little _too_ great."

"What does that mean?" Rickie asked looking at me with confusion written on his face.

I sit up and fold my legs under me and tuck the hair behind my ear in preparation for explaining everything to Rickie who is now turned on his side to face me ignoring the magazine.

"Ok, see the thing is that I think, well I mean I know, I mean I think I know that I'm like ready to have sex with Jordan Catalano." I say spitting it out in a rambling fashion.

"Wow," Rickie says in response looking bewildered. "Angela, are you sure you're like ready for that, I mean that's a really huge step."

"I know, I know. That's exactly what I keep telling myself." I say pushing my hair back from my face.

"So, what's the rest of the conversation?" Rickie asks "What I mean is what do you hear yourself say back?"

"That I love him, that if this isn't right then I don't know what is." I say laying back down on my stomach next to Rickie. "See there are like these moments when Jordan is looking at me and its like time just slows down and I can see it in his eyes that at that moment I'm the only thing he sees."

"Angela, that is like the most amazingly beautiful thing I have ever heard." Rickie says with wonder in his eyes. "So, what's stopping you, I mean if I someone that made me feel that way, well I don't know what I'd do, but I do know that's always the kind of person I've _imagined_ being with."

"It's really just a question of like timing now. I mean if it's just like all planned out, it sorta defeats the whole purpose of waiting. Which is to make sure that it's like…"

"Special." Rickie says finishing my sentence for me.

"Yeah, exactly" I say back.

"Listen, Angela maybe you should be telling Jordan all of this. I mean, I'm sure if he knew how you felt he'd understand." Rickie says reassuringly.

"I know that's what Sharon said too. I just don't know if I really want to have that conversation with him again, it didn't go so well the last time." I say trying to make Rickie understand my reluctance.

"Just give him a chance, I mean because if you can get through this you'll have everything you ever wanted remember, sex and a conversation." Rickie says trying to convince me of what I already knew I had to do.

Later that night after Rickie had left I couldn't help but replay what he had said over and over again in my head. Could that really be all I've ever wanted from someone, sex and a conversation? If that's true then what is left for Jordan and I after we have sex? I mean is it really that anti-climatic? Not that I want to go back to dealing with all the constant drama we had before. I just can't help but think that I might miss the tension between us and the anticipation and excitement that I feel when we are together now. Like the saying goes isn't waiting half the fun?


	7. Chapter 7 Epiphany

** A/N**Thanks to everyone who's been reviewing…all 3 of you! Seriously does anyone like what I'm doing here besides Lady Jane's Muse and Hot4J? Or have you all just forgotten how much reviews help a writer determine their success. Now matter I've decided it's quality and not quantity when it comes to reviews so heres to LJ'sM and Hot4J my faithful readers and reviewers and of course the woman with out whom you wouldn't even be reading this chapter my dear friend and spectacular beta reader LuvJordan!

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It's raining, great. Guess that's what I get for washing my car yesterday. This kinda shit is always happening. I wish I didn't have to see my mom today, I'd rather just hang with Angela, but she's been calling me all week to come by and see her. She must be feelin' sorry for herself again and need someone to dump on. Oh well at least she'll cook me somethin' to eat and give me a couple packs a smokes for my trouble. As long as Jimmy's not there it'll be fine, plus I haven't seen the kids in a couple weeks so…yeah I should probably just go. Damn would ya look at my car…there's ten bucks down the fuckin' drain.

"Jordan," I can hear Angela say my name from somewhere behind me and I turn to see her running towards me. This is probably as good as my day could get, watching her move like that. Her hair pushed away from her smiling face, her bright eyes looking like lit up or something. Her tits bouncing around like that under her wet shirt. Fuck I'm hard up, I haven't thought about shit like that since I was thirteen.

"Hey," I say hoping she can't tell what I was just thinking about.

"Where are you going?" She asks looking like I might kill her if I say the wrong thing.

"Oh, yeah I forgot to tell you that I gotta go see my mom today. She's been like buggin' me all week to come by." I tell her hoping she doesn't get too upset.

"Well I don't really have anything I'm doing today. Maybe I could come with you." She says looking at me like some kind of lost dog or something.

She thinks I don't know what she's after, but I can tell that always hustling her out of the house when my dad comes home and never really bringing up my mom has started to make her think that I don't want her to have anything to do with my family. Which is true, but not for the reasons she thinks it is.

"Come on, "I say putting a hand on her back to guide her to my car. " We should get outta the rain."

We were sitting in my car watching the rain stream down the windshield. I was trying to think of a way to explain to Angela the difference between our families and the way we grew up. But anyway I thought to put it would come out sounding to her like I was embarrassed of her or something. Which is not true like at all, actually it's like the opposite of the truth. But I had kinda figured out how Angela's brain worked and it would take a lot for me to get her to understand that. Not that its all her fault either cause I'm always screwin' up my words and they just come out all wrong when I try explaining this kinda stuff.

After sitting there for a few more minutes I could tell Angela was starting to get upset that I hadn't given her an answer because she didn't look over at me anymore and she was acting like the sleeve of her shirt was like the most interesting thing she'd ever seen.

"Listen," I say trying to break the tension. "My mom, she's not like your mom okay. She's not like…welcoming or whatever, and it's just like this thing that I have to do y'know cause she's like my mom."

"Jordan," she says trying to hide the anger in her voice. "It's fine, really. It's really okay."

Except I can tell it's not okay and that she's gonna be mad at me but there's really nothing I can do, because what she doesn't understand is that I'm trying to protect her from having to deal with this like awkward situation that's she's not prepared for even though she thinks she is.

The rain stopped by the time I'd dropped Angela off at home. She did a pretty good job of pretending that she was okay but I know this is gonna come up again and probably pretty soon. I guess it's about time to tell my mom about me and Angela so next time I can bring her with me.

I just wish there was some way to make Angela understand that this is not the kind of family you try to be a part of, it's the kind of family you spend your whole life trying to get away from.

My dad is basically an asshole; he's been up my ass for as long as I can remember. Always puttin' me down and slappin' me and mom around. So, she left him when I was ten. Not that she's some kinda saint or anything. She was screwin' around on him with the guys she's married to now.

Jimmy Wates, he's a piece a work too. When I was still livin' with my mom and him he thought bein' my step dad meant he had some sorta rights over me. I got real sick of his shit and told him to go to hell one day. Let's just say he decided since I was pretty much a lost cause just like my old man then that's where I belonged.

So I been with my dad ever since. We used to have it out every now and then but ever since I got up the nerve to fight back we pretty much just avoid each other, which is how I like it. He's not all in my shit and I'm not in his.

Every once in a while my mom starts feelin' bad that she hasn't really been there for me or whatever these last few years and so she'll call me up and tell me to come over so she can see me. It's not like she was ever gonna be up for mother of the year or anything anyway so I'm not sure what she thinks one dinner is gonna do to fix everything.

I go because like I told Angela she's my mom so it's like y'know the right thing to do. Plus she had a couple a kids with Jimmy, and I kinda feel like it's good to check up on 'em every once in a while.

When I pull up in front of my mom's house I turn off the car and just sit there for a few minutes. Just to clear my head before I gotta go deal with all her bullshit. Don't get me wrong my moms not like the worst person in the world or anything. It's just she never usually calls unless she's depressed and wants to play 'Leave it to Beaver' or some shit like that.

I decide it's time to get outta the car and get this over with. On my way up to the front door I notice how run down the house is. The gutters are sagging full of leaves, it could use a new paint job for sure, and there's stray garbage all over the mostly dirt front yard. Not that John and I keep our house up much better but hell we don't have a 7 &9 year old to look after either. Before I can knock on the weathered front door it swings open and Jayla and her friend come running out followed closely by Jesse who is wearing a sheet as a cape and carrying a squirt gun. The kid's barely slow down on their way out the door nearly knocking me off the front porch. They shout hello's and then vanish around the side of the house.

"Ma," I shout stepping inside the door and closing it behind me.

"In here." I hear her say from the kitchen.

I walk through the house and find her in the kitchen talking on the phone. As hard as it is for me to admit my mom is still an attractive woman. Her bleach blonde hair and the eight layers of make up she was always wearing wouldn't be for me even if she wasn't my mom, but I could see why she's never had a problem getting guy's attention. It doesn't hurt that she still acts and dresses like she's in high school. Men like that kinda shit out of a chick makes 'em feel like their robbin' the cradle without the threat of jail time.

She hangs up the phone and comes to sit with me at the kitchen table. I can tell she's in one of her crazy kinda moods and this makes me want to find some excuse to get the hell outta here before she starts in.

"So, how's that deadbeat father of yours?"

_Too late_.

"Ah shit Ma, do we gotta start with that crap already I just got here." I say irritated with her already.

"Fine, fine. I'm sorry I brought it up." She says throwing her hands in the air. Then she starts looking around. "You seen your brother and sister anywhere around here?"

"Out front," I say jabbing a thumb towards the front of the house. "There was some other little girl with 'em too."

"Oh that's right Emily's here isn't she? I can't keep up with these damn kids." She says as she absently waves the air in front of her face.

"So," she says turning her attention back to me. "How's everything going? You still in school?"

"Yeah I'm ah actually doin' alright too." I say kind of excited that she's actually asking. "I been doin' this tutor thing for English and gettin' help with some other classes too so it's goin' pretty good."

"Do you smell something?" She asks glancing around the room. "It smells like something's burning."

"No, oh and I'm in this band now Residue," I say trying to pull her attention back to me. "Yeah I'm the lead singer now. And were actually starting to sound alright. I'm workin' on some songs for the band and we're getting pretty regular gigs."

"Well that's great Jordan…really," she says still mildly distracted.

"Yeah," I say letting a small smile slip out onto my face "But what I really wanna talk to you about is like _why_ I been doin' so good."

"Ah uh," she says half-heartedly

"See it's because of this girl," I say almost quietly cause I don't want her to start freakin' the fuck out.

"**Shit I forgot about the damn meatloaf**!" She yells as she moves from her chair to the oven.

"I mean she's not like anybody I've ever met before," I continue not even sure she's still listening to anything I have to say. "She's like _special_ or something."

I watch as she pulls open the oven and takes the meatloaf out and puts it up on the stove fanning the smoke away from the burnt pan.

"I made this cause I know it's your favorite. And we're gonna have green beans and mashed potatoes just like you like." She says almost in tears over the damn thing.

"Are you even listening to me?" I ask even though I already know the answer.

"I'm sorry. I just wanted us to have a nice family dinner and now look at it!" She says gesturing towards the meatloaf with one hand while running the other through her hair

Here we go with the freakin' nervous breakdown over a burnt meat loaf. I hate meat loaf anyways, who said it was my favorite?

"I was tryin' to tell you that I have a girlfriend," I half shout at her to try to pull her attention away from the damn pan on the stove. "Her name's Angela and I was thinkin' maybe next time I came over maybe she could ya know come too?"

"Ah Jesus Jordan," she shouts throwing the burnt meatloaf into the kitchen sink. "That's the last damn thing I need is you bringin' one your trashy little girlfriends over here. I mean what would I tell the kids, and what about Jimmy? Oh he'd love that, some little high school slut starin' him down over dinner!"

"**Angela's not like that ok, she's not a slut!**" I yell while still trying to keep my temper in check because I knew what I was getting into when I brought it up.

"Oh really is that so," she says the sarcasm thick in her voice. "So your tellin' me that all that talk I hear down at the shop ain't true? All them girls, _hell all those women_ I hear about you goin' around with, that's just a bunch a nonsense?"

"Look, I don't have to explain who I've been with or what I do. What I do with my life is my business, nobody else's."

"Well _excuse_ me," she says with her hands on her hips. "Can I help it if I happen to hear things from time to time? What do you want me to do, huh, just pretend it's not my son they're talkin' about?"

"Well there's no law that says you gotta believe everything people say, and you know you could just do the decent thing and tell 'em all to shut the hell up." I say lighting up a smoke taking a long drag, letting the nicotine calm my nerves.

"Fine, next time I will. I'm sorry I didn't realize it was such a sore spot for you."

"Well damn Ma, it's not like I like the idea of a bunch of chicks sittin' around discussing me all day!" I yell trying to get my point across.

"_Alright, alright I get it damn_," she shouts back throwing her arms in the air.

I'm more than ready to drop the whole damn conversation but I realize that I still haven't gotten a response about bringing Angela over next time, and I can't let this go until I do.

"Listen," I say after I've taken another drag from my cigarette. "Could you please just try to understand that Angela's not just some girl she's my girlfriend. Those other girls, they were just…just like there or whatever." I say letting out a long sigh at the end, cause saying this much to her is like _exhausting_.

"I'm callin' for pizza," she says throwing her hands in the air and turning away from me. "If I don't have something here when Jimmy get's home he'll have a cow. What do like?"

"Jolene…" I say demanding a response from her, and I know calling her by her first name is a guaranteed way to get it.

"What," she turns back around and after a second her face finally softens. "Oh, fine bring her over…but I can't promise I'll like her, and I sure as shit can't control whatever comes' outta your step father's mouth."

So I head to the loft after leaving my moms. I figure maybe Shane'll be there. We could work on that song I've been trying to finish for like the last week. The thing about hanging with Shane is that we never have to say a lot. He just sorta understands what's goin on with out talkin' it to death. I mean I've known him for forever so I guess that's why. Plus his parents are pretty much a nightmare too. I mean they're still together or whatever but I mean that's like not always a good thing.

So as I walk up the stairs to the loft I can see a light on and I'm pretty sure I hear voices, but I don't know who's they are. I open the door and stop dead in my tracks. I can't believe what I'm seeing. I mean of all the people I can't believe he would bring _her_ here.

"What the fuck dude!" Shane yells as he realizes I'm standing there. "You mind man, jeez!"

"Sorry man I didn't know." I say as I turn to go.

"No it's cool. I was just leaving anyway." Graf says as she adjusts her skirt picks up her bag and heads for the door.

I've turned my head away to make sure I don't run the risk of making eye contact with her as she bolts from the room. When I hear the door close I turn back to see Shane finally fully dressed and standing in front of the couch. I can tell he's pissed.

"What the hell were you doin man?" I say still shocked by what I just saw. "I mean of all people dude."

"Well damn man," Shane says still angry." The girl's been passed around like a bucket of chicken so I didn't really think you'd take it personal!"

"It's not like… I mean I don't even like…just never mind dude whatever."

"Well I don't either, it's just been a while ya know. So when she came by lookin' for Tino I figured what the hell right. I mean besides you've got Angela now so I didn't think it'd be a big deal."

"Why would it be a big deal? I was never like _with_ her." I say feeling uneasy about the whole thing.

"You sure," Shane asks like he's not buying it.

"Yeah I said it's cool so it's cool"

"Cool, so what are you doing here anyway?"

"Oh just finished up at my moms thought I'd stop by see if you were here, thought maybe we could try workin' on that song again. Ya know the one where the chord changes weren't comin' together right." I say hoping we're done talkin' about Graf.

"Yeah sure man we could do that." He says punching me in the shoulder. I let out a chuckle and punch him back.

We stayed there for a few hours workin' on that song, it still didn't sound right though. As we were leaving I could tell Shane was about to say something about Graf again. I wished he wouldn't but he did anyway.

"So listen man," Shane says as we walk to our cars. "About earlier, if it bugs you or something I don't have to hang out with her anymore."

"Naw man its cool," I say. "I uh just haven't really seen too much of her myself lately, ya know since I got back with Angela so it was just like unexpected I guess."

"Well shit man_ I_ haven't seen too much of you since ya got back with Angela."

"What's that supposed to mean," I ask slowing the pace of my walk.

"Nothin man forget I said anything," he says quickly heading for his car.

"Hey man don't be a pussy about it," I say jokin' around with him hoping he'll just say whatever it is he wants to say about it so we can just get it over with.

"I'm not bein a pussy," he says and I can hear the irritation in his voice. "I just don't feel like getting into this right now."

"Fine whatever," I say deciding to drop it, it's been a long ass fuckin' day already I don't need this shit.

"Yeah whatever. Look I'll see ya later," Shane says as he gets in his car.

"Yeah later," I say as he closes his car door and drives off.

When I walk into the house I can see the TV on in the otherwise dark living room. John must be home, which is never a good thing. This day has already been like too much to handle or whatever the last thing I need is to get into it with the old man.

"Were the hell you been?" John asks never taking his eyes off the TV

"Went to see Mom, don't worry she didn't say hello or anything." I say throwing my jacket over the back of a chair.

The remark gets a small chuckle out of John.

"Well aren't we the smart ass this evening." John says finally meeting my eyes.

"Whatever, I'm goin' to bed." I say as I head through the living room.

"You kiss your little girlfriend with that smart mouth?" John says knowing exactly what to say to get a rise out of me.

"**You don't get to talk about her ever**." I command as I quickly cross the space I'd just put between us. I never wanted Angela and John to meet but when he came home early a couple a days ago it couldn't be avoided.

John stands from the couch accepting my challenge to his personal space by challenging mine right back.

"Listen here you little punk," he says putting his finger in my face. " Don't you think for one second just cause you got some pretty little rich girl hanging all over you tellin' you the sun shines out your ass that means you can just come in here tellin' me what I can and can't say in my own god damned house! You ain't nothin' in this house you got me…nothin'!

He's drunk I can smell the liquor on his breath, that's why he was feeling so bold. See the thing about John Catalano that he'd never want anyone to know is that he's a coward. Hitting a child or even a woman was one thing, but I know he'd do anything to avoid getting into a fight with a man. And since I had a good 2 inches and 30 pounds on him I knew I could have taken him even if he'd been stone sober.

The seconds that ticked by that I had used to size him up had forced John to come to the same conclusion. For a second I could see it pass over his face, knowing that he was in no shape to actually take me on. So he rocked back slightly on his heels and let his finger fall from my face.

"Go on, "he said in a stern voice trying to save whatever face he could. "Get outta here, you're not worth it."

With that he waved me off and slumped back onto the couch grabbing the bottle of beer off the table and taking a long swig.

I swallowed the lump of anger that had risen up into my throat and took off for my room. I locked the door behind me just in case John caught a second wind and decided to try bustin' in. I flung myself down on my bed staring up at the ceiling replaying what my parents had said today. That basically I was no good to anybody, especially not someone like Angela.

Fuck 'em, both of 'em. What the fuck do they know anyway, they're both fucked and it wouldn't have made a damn bit of difference if I'd never been born, even if they had thought to use a condom the night they met and fucked in some dirty bathroom stall they'd still be same. It just gets to me sometimes, that all I ever hear from my parents is that my existence is like the basis for their unhappiness.

I sit up and decide on one more smoke before bed. I take the pack out of the box on my dresser and open the window. I turn on my stereo and am relieved that for once they're actually playing a half way decent song. I light my cigarette and take a long drag letting the smoke fill my lungs. As I exhale through the screen another thought hits me.

What if your parents aren't supposed to show you the kind of person you're supposed to be, what if they're there to show you the kind of person you know you don't want to be. I mean I always figured my parents were pretty much useless as far as like actual parenting, _and they are_. But like what if I just decided not to believe anything they said. What if I believed the opposite and actually made something of myself. What if Angela and I really make it work and my life turns out absolutely nothing like my parents. And it wouldn't be because of anything they did it would be because of everything they didn't do.

As I finish the cigarette and stub it out in the ashtray by my bed I actually feel pretty good about today, because with any luck I'll get to spend tomorrow with Angela and that means that maybe my life won't turn out so shitty after all.


	8. Chapter 8 The Tension & The Terror

*A/N Thanks for all the reviews it gave me a renewed sense of confidence and inspired me to get this chapter to you all fairly quickly. Although this chapter is a bit shorter than the previous two I feel it makes up for in content what it lacks in size. I hope you all agree. Once again I must thank my darling beta LuvJordan who is my savior and my sounding board and without whom I would be lost among a sea of scrap paper! And now on with our show...***

"Sssh, I think I just heard someone come in the door." I say frozen with fear at the thought of being caught in my current position atop Jordan in my bed in the middle of the afternoon.

"I thought you said no one would be home for a few hours?" Jordan says looking up at me in away that made that my fear melt away.

A smile breaks out on my face; I can't help it I love looking at him from up here. I mean I love looking at him all the time but there's something about this particular angle that really just makes him completely irresistible.

"Well, I mean no one should be home. I just don't want to get caught like this here with you. I mean we're _supposed to be in school_."

"_I know where we're supposed to be_, but isn't this better." Jordan asks as he flips me down and pins me underneath him.

"Yes, much better." I say still smiling even as he starts kissing me.

There hadn't been a day in months that Jordan and I hadn't skipped class or taken an extra long lunch to stay in his car. Making it through a whole day was just like _impossible_. But in the last week or so things had gotten to a point where we where needing even more time and especially more privacy. Sometimes we went to the loft, or his house. His dad was home today so that was out and the loft was just so dirty and I don't know empty feeling. So I suggested we come here. I just pray to god we don't lose track of time and Danielle gets home and finds us here. She'd probably break her neck running down the stairs to call Mom.

I couldn't really think too much about it or anything really. Jordan had become an expert on how to get me out of my head. The way his hair is touching my face, the feel of his hands sliding up and down my exposed ribs, the heat of his body so close to mine. It's all far too intense for me to think of anything except the way he makes me feel.

Slowly but surely I come back into the moment with him, and we begin to find our rhythm. As I begin to relax so does Jordan, he takes his weight off his elbows and puts it on me and the feeling of our bare chests coming in contact with one another is shocking and comforting all at once.

Our legs intertwine and I can feel his desire pressing into me. I let out small moans and whimpers as his hands begin to explore my body again. First my breasts and nipples, now my thighs and butt. I trace the lines of his back with my hands and I can feel my body responding to him. I know I want him; I want him so badly my body is aching for him.

I feel his hand slip below the waistband of my already undone jeans. I get scared for a second, nervous that this will mean there is no turning back. It's not the first time that Jordan's hands have made their way to this part of my body, but there is something about today that makes me feel like this is really going to happen, like _we_ are about to happen.

But then Jordan looks into my eyes, his own are radiant with passion and wanting, and its then I know, he feels it too, and even if this does mean that there's no turning back that it will be ok. Because I love him and I want to be with him.

So I caress his face and smile up at him to let him know that it's okay. He doesn't move, but for once in my life I know that this is not a moment for words, so I simply give a little nod and kiss him full and hard so that he knows how much I want this right now.

That was all the encouragement I needed from her and my fingers find their way inside.

She feels amazing, and every part of me is screaming to rip the rest of our clothes off and have her right now. But I know that would only scare the crap out of her and the last thing I wanna do now is freak her out. I gotta try to hold it together here, think about something else. Uh, like uh homework, yeah what was Katimski saying the other day about prepositional phrases.

Shit it's no use; she's getting close now I can feel it. I pull my face away from her neck where I'd been kissing her. She's starting to arch her back and twist her legs around. And it's about all I can do to keep my shit in my pants.

She reaches the button on my jeans and tries to undo it but she's too close to the edge to really be able to function right and she can't get it undone.

"Please, Jordan," she says between ragged breaths her eyelids heavy and her eyes are dark and intense and almost screaming at me. "Please I want you, I want to do this."

For the first second I'm excited, and then it hits me like a ton of bricks. This is her first time, she's been waiting. Waiting for something special…something perfect…_someone_ who's all the things she's needed to be ready to go this far.

I mean I don't think I've been the type of guy that's ever mattered to someone one after the sex, and I've sure as shit never been with a girl that mattered to me after the sex. What are you supposed to do after the sex? Oh shit, I never even thought about what happens after!

By now the long pause has caused her to come back to reality.

"Jordan, what's the matter. Why'd you stop?" She asks in between heavy breaths.

I can't tell her that I'm freaked out. She'd think it was something about her. Like she'd done something wrong or that I didn't want her. And god that's so not true, I don't think I have ever wanted a girl more, that's what's so scary and she'll never be able to understand how that works. I glance over at the alarm clock on her night stand. Ah a perfect escape.

"Its 3:15, won't Danielle be home soon?"

"Oh my god," she says as she jumps off the bed and starts to pick up our clothes from off the floor. "We've gotta get out of here."

As I put my shirt back on I glance over at Jordan and I can see a change in his face. Something seems different in his eyes, and I don't know if he's just mad that we were so close and we had to stop because of my stupid little sister or if it's something else. I don't want to over react like always but I can't help listening to the voice that says it's something else…something bigger.

I don't bring it up though, for some reason it doesn't feel right to talk about anything after you were just so intimate with someone. Like anything you say will get tied in with what you were just doing. It just feels like there needs to be this transition period before you can say anything again, before you're allowed to be normal. How do people do this all the time, how do they have sex and then just go on about their day like nothing happened. I can't do it, I can't be with someone that way and then just go walk the dog like it's no big deal. What am I talking about, we didn't have sex and besides I don't even own a dog.

We get dressed and head downstairs in silence. Finally Jordan decides to break it, and thank god too because I was really having a hard time figuring out how long the transition period should last.

"You wanna go grab something to eat?"

"Sure," I say relieved that it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be to be normal with him.

Once we were in his car and safely away from the house with no sight of Danielle I decided to try to feel him out, hoping it was just the fact that our time together had been cut short that had made him seem so upset earlier.

"So, I'm sorry about that. I mean about having to leave so soon. It's just Danielle has like the biggest mouth, there's no way she wouldn't rat me out to my parents." I say trying very hard to seem casual.

"It's cool," he says only briefly taking his eyes off the road.

"Won't it be nice when you finally move out of your dad's and then we won't have to worry about stuff like that?"

I know I'd told her a few times about how I wanted to get my own place when I turned eighteen in a couple of months so it's not like she brought it up out of nowhere or anything. It's just something about the way she said 'we' that made me even more nervous.

I mean does she think that she'll just get to be there all the time? Like she'll sort of live there too. Yeah, like her parents are really gonna go for that. I'd be surprised if they don't hit the freakin' roof as soon as she tells them I'm getting my own place, let alone let her stay over there with me.

Besides what if I want to have the guys over or maybe even just hang out alone. We don't have to spend every second together, we don't now. It's not like we're gonna be some old married couple or something. _Holy shit what if she wants to get married_!

We pull into Big Guy burger and I cut the engine.

"This ok with you," I ask.

"Yeah its fine, are you ok?"

"Yeah, I'm just really hungry." I say as I get out of the car and shut the door not waiting for her to get another question out.

He's been weird all afternoon. First he blamed it on being hungry, then when I asked him again as we where leaving Big Guy he said he's just tired. I'm not buying it but I know how he can get if I ask him too many times if he's really ok, that just pisses him off more. So I've held my tongue for the entire ride home.

When we pull up to my house and he puts the car in park but doesn't turn it off I know what this means. It means he's done hanging out and wants to be alone now. I wish that just once he'd tell me what was going on with him instead of just running away until he's worked it out and then coming back like nothing happened. It's enough to drive a person crazy!

"Listen," he says trying to be as cool as possible. "I've got some stuff I gotta go take care of but I'll see ya tomorrow ok."

I know he's got nothing to do today, he told me he didn't when he was trying to convince me to cut out again, but I also know there's no point in trying to get him to tell me what's really wrong it'll just start a fight and then I'll be mad on top of everything else.

"Sure," I say nodding a little and reaching for the door.

"I had fun today," he says out loud but what he's really doing is trying to smooth things over to make sure I won't be mad at him tomorrow when he's fine again.

"Yeah me too."

He leans over and gives me a soft sweet kiss, hoping to seal the deal I'm sure.

"Bye," I say finally getting out of the car. I say it nice and manage to not slam the door but inside I am reeling.

The next day I found a note from Jordan asking me to meet him in the boiler room. We hadn't been down there together in months and the fact that he'd been even more quiet than normal on the drive to school this morning only made this abnormal request feel even more out of the blue.

I thought maybe he wanted to talk or something, sometimes he does that. He stays quiet for a day or two and then once he feels like he has the words strung together just right he'll finally want to talk to me about whatever's going on in his head. But as soon as I look up and see his face as he comes towards me I know that's not the case.

She looks like she wasn't expecting me or something, but that could just be my imagination I guess. Who else would she be meeting down here? I quickly try to shake that outta my head cause I really just want to be close to her right now. I don't even know why but it feels like if I don't hold on to her right now the last bit of good in my life will disappear forever.

He moves quickly past the chain link fence that was separating us and pulls me in close and tight against his chest. His heart is beating hard and steady and the only noise he makes is a long sigh that seems like he could have been holding it forever.

"Is everything ok?" She asks looking up at me and I gently push her away from my body before I respond.

"Yeah," I say not meeting her eyes. Instead I watch my finger trace a line down her soft cheek, and when I know her eyes are closed I take the opportunity to steal a look at her face.

"Well you know we could have met at your car, or…" she says as she closes the small gap between us and pulls me into her. "We could have gone to my house again; no one's home and we'd have more time if we left now."

"Uh look Ange; I don't think that's such a good idea. I mean I don't want you to miss a bunch of school. I shouldn't really be missin' so much either, y'know if I ever wanna get outta this place."

"Oh, yeah. Yeah you're totally right. I mean of course you should definitely be concentrating on school, and I mean so should I."

"Listen I gotta go, I'll see you later."

"Yeah I'll see you after, you're still giving me a ride home right?"

"Oh, uh well maybe, maybe you should take the bus 'cause I've got to meet the guys and uh get in one more rehearsal before this weekend."

"Oh, ok. Yeah you should do that."

"Ok, well later."

"Yeah, later."

This wasn't the first time that Jordan had forgotten to tell me about a band rehearsal and I'd ended up on the bus, but something about the way he acted today just seemed different than those other times. As I stood there in the cold empty boiler room and heard the door shut behind him I couldn't help but hear that voice in my head again, warning me that something much bigger was happening than Jordan was letting on.


	9. Chapter 9 The Divide

*A/N – Hello again. I know it's taken me a while to update, but what can I say I'm a world class procrastinator. Not too mention I have a 9 week old puppy to contend with! I've really been enjoying all then new updates, it makes me so happy to have so much wonderful material to read, and I hope that my little addition here will do the same for you. Please review, it means so much to me to know that I haven't lost all of you on this long journey. Also, I'm changing my rating to T for the time being as we still have a ways to go before these two "go all the way". Oh and I've also updated the previous chapters to include the original titles I had given them, I'm not sure why I didn't post the chapters with their titles in the first place though…it's a question for the ages I suppose.

And last but not least, and then I'll shut up and let you read, a big big big thanks to the world's best beta and truly the source of my inspiration… LuvJordan. If you like any of what you see here…thank her!

And now, on with our show…****

Chapter 9: The Divide

There are moments in life when you can literally feel yourself change, you know that you'll never be able to get back to the person you where before. Sometimes the change is so welcome that you never look back. Then there are times when it just sort of feels like your new life washes over you like a tidal wave and you're left sputtering and struggling for air, and when you finally are able to look around you can see that the entire landscape of your life has been altered into this unrecognizable thing. And all you're left with is the memory of what you had before, and it's like you can still feel that life, like it's so close you could almost be in it again if you close your eyes. I've heard stories about people who lose a limb that say sometimes it's like it's still there, it's called a phantom limb. Is it possible to have a phantom life?

I can't say that I was really shocked or surprised when my parents sat Danielle and I down to tell us that they were getting a divorce, I mean the thought had been hiding out in the dark corners of my mind ever since I saw my dad with that woman in the street all those months ago. That's not to say that it still didn't hurt to hear the words leave their lips, because it did…a lot actually. More than I was prepared for.

They gave us that whole speech about how they still cared for one another they had just grown apart and that it had nothing to do with how much they loved us. I don't know what hurt worse that they couldn't even be honest with us or that they couldn't be honest with themselves. It was obvious to anyone with a brain that my father had checked out the second Hallie and the restaurant had appeared in his life and my mother hadn't been too quick to stop him. I guess that's what adults call growing apart, I call it giving up.

It's been two days since we sat in the living room and talked as a family for the last time. I guess they wanted to give us the weekend to process everything before going back to school. I'm not sure if I'm capable of fitting all my emotions into a neat little box by Monday morning though. Not that it matters much. It's the last week of school so I doubt I really need my brain for anything other than watching a movie or two.

My father had his things packed when we came home, including the box for all _his_ feelings I suppose, because he pretty much bolted for the door after mom finished telling us the news. I guess I didn't inherit that ability from my father because I can't seem to stop thinking about what this all means.

The part that makes me feel like a truly horrible human being is that through all of this all I've wanted to do is be with Jordan. I know I should be trying to help my mom take care of Danielle and figuring things out for myself but I just can't get my mind away from him. I've talked to him a couple of times already. He hasn't been what you'd call supportive, I mean I know this kind of stuff is hard for him and he was acting sort of weird all week, but I just thought the news of my parents divorce would snap him out of it.

The only other person I've talked to this weekend is Sharon, her and Camille where over her all day yesterday. Don't get me wrong Sharon has been my best friend my _whole _life and I love her to death I really do, but she can't really understand what this is like I mean her parents are still together and probably always will be. That's why I wanted to talk to Jordan, he's been through this already he knows what it's like when your parents are together one day and just like _not_ the next.

But the last time we talked, Saturday when I told him I couldn't come to his gig, it was like he couldn't wait to get off the phone with me. Like it was like killing him or something to have to talk to me about it. I mean isn't that what you're boyfriend is for? To like help you through a personal crisis and offer some kind of support or god forbid some advice!

"Sup dude," Shane says as he strolls through the loft and plops down on the couch across from Jordan.

"Hey," Jordan says not looking up from the guitar he's strumming on his lap.

"What's up with you man, you and Angela get into it or somethin'?"

"Naw, it's just..." He looks up at Shane for a second. "It's nothing never mind." He says dropping his head back down to focus on the chords he continues to play.

"Oh I see, all of a sudden your problems are like too complex for me or somethin'" Shane says sarcastically.

"Well yeah man it is actually…y'know complicated. I mean ya think if there was some easy fix I'd be sittin' here playin' this guitar alone in the damn dark?"

"Fine man, don't tell me. It seems like sittin in the dark is workin out real well for ya so far and ya know what? I got shit I could be doin' so whatever." Shane says as he sits up on the couch like he's about to leave.

"Fine, but if you turn into a smart ass this conversation is over. Got it?"

Shane waves his hand in front of his chest to signal to Jordan to continue.

"Floor's all yours man."

Jordan sets the guitar down next to him and runs his hands through his hair and lets out a long sigh before he begins to speak.

"Ok see the thing is this does have to do with Angela but not like completely. See her parents split up or whatever, and now she like wants to talk about it all the time. And she keeps asking me about what happened when my parents split. I dunno it's just like a lot of pressure, y'know?"

"Well who'd you think she'd talk to? I mean you're the boyfriend so…this shit kinda falls on you now."

"See that's what I'm talkin' about, I'm the _boyfriend_. So I'm _supposed_ to do the _boyfriend thing_, **but what the hell is a **_**boyfriend**_…y'know?"

Dude, you're makin' like no sense here." Shane says completely confused by Jordan's rant.

"See that's what I'm sayin' nothing makes any god damned sense anymore." Jordan says as if he's given up trying to understand it himself and he bends down and picks the guitar up from the floor and resumes his playing.

"Alright man you _obviously_ don't want to really tell me what's goin' on but I can't see ya like this and not at least try to do somethin' for ya. Cause you look like you're about to jump off a freakin' bridge or somethin' and I don't want that shit hangin' over me for the rest of my life. So, I'm just gonna say some shit that might help, and if it doesn't…well then fuck at least I tried."

Jordan has stopped strumming the guitar and is looking at Shane waiting for him to dispense his advice.

"Ok the way I see it you've been dickin' around with all these other chicks all this time just ya know for shits and giggles or whatever, and that was cool, but now you got Angela. And I mean it's obvious to anyone with a set a eyes and half a brain that you really care about this girl. Thing is you don't really know what to do about it, cause you never gave a shit before. Plus your parents are assholes so it's not like you've ever seen a functional relationship. So now that shit's gettin' tough for Angela you're up Shit Creek cause you got no idea what to do to help her. All you know is that you want to. _But damn man it's not that hard to just sit and listen to someone else talk_, and that's all chicks ever seem to want to do y'know. So stop bein' a dumbass and freakin' out about everything and just go see her and just y'know _listen_ or whatever."

"What the fuck man," Jordan says with an astonished look on his face. "When'd you become such an expert?"

"Shut up dude!" Shane says smiling. "I'm tryin' to help your sorry ass!"

"I guess all those days we cut school and got stoned while watching Maury finally paid off," Shane added after a moment's silence.

Both guys let out a little chuckle and Jordan goes back to strumming his guitar.

"I don't know what to do Sharon, I feel like a terrible person for worrying about this right now but the way he was acting earlier this week plus now he's like unreachable when my whole life is like falling apart it kinda feels like not a coincidence." I say into the phone panicking that my worst nightmare has come true. That Jordan Catalano is going to break my heart…again.

"Well I mean I hate to say, but guys like Jordan Catalano are just not boyfriend material." Sharon says with an air of sympathy and superiority in her voice.

"I just thought things would be different this time," I say trying to hold back my tears. "I mean I really though he'd changed."

"Chase-Face, people like that are just like incapable of changing, it's not like your fault though I mean you've given him every opportunity."

What really gets to me about Sharon is that she will use like any opportunity to get a dig in about Jordan, like her taste in guys has proven to be so much better. But I just really need someone to talk to right now, so I let it go.

"I just feel like it's all falling apart you know," I say realizing that I'm speaking more about my life as a whole and that makes the tears to heavy too hold back anymore so I just let them fall.

"Well then you have to do something about it, you know fight to save your relationship." Sharon says with wide eyes and a determined tone and I can feel the rant coming on.

"Sharon I'm not trying to fight with him."

"Duh, I'm not talking about a _fight_ fight. I'm talking about an ultimatum, you know like telling him you need him to start opening up to you and being there for you and all that stuff that he _should_ be doing. And if he can't handle it then you walk simple as that."

I hated to admit it but Sharon was actually making some sense, I mean if my Mom had done that with my dad maybe their marriage wouldn't have fallen apart. There's only one problem with this idea.

"Ok, but what if he can't, you know handle it or whatever." I say wiping the partially dried tears from my face.

"Well let's look at your other option here. You could just accept things for how they are and never have the kind of relationship you want not to mention the kind you like _deserve_. I mean really, wouldn't you rather just know now if this is going to work. It's got to be better than just letting it drag on making you even more miserable."

"I don't know Sharon that still seems kind of extreme."

"Look Chase-Face, you know I'm not Catalano's biggest fan right? I mean even before he decided to sleep with Rayanne I just never got what you saw in the guy. I mean I get that he's like good looking or whatever, but I mean really how far can that take you? I mean that obviously does not excuse this kind of behavior, and when you think of all the other things he's done in the past…"

"Sharon," I sort of shout into the phone hoping to snap her out of her tirade. "Was this going somewhere?"

"Sorry, look I just don't want you making the same mistake that I did by hiding how you truly feel. I mean when my dad was in the hospital and Kyle was like MIA and I was stuck with _Brain Krakow_ as my only means of support I just let that go you know. And now we're stuck in the horrible mess of a relationship, if you can even like call it that, and I know it's partly my fault for not being very good about expressing myself."

Remembering how distant and awful I'd been to Sharon when her dad was sick made me feel horrible. I knew it wasn't just her boyfriend that had deserted her in her time of need and I should be thankful to at least have my friends to help me through.

Jordan let's out a long sigh before raising his hand and knocking on the Chase's front door. It feels like an eternity before someone finally answers it.

"Oh, hi, "Danielle says as if she were disappointed to see him standing on their front porch.

"Um, is your sister home?" Jordan asks shifting uncomfortably from one foot to the other and giving a small gesture with his index finger inside the house, then lowering his head to avoid eye contact with the small girl propping open the door.

"She's really mad at you y'know."

"Yeah, I know. Did she like say anything about like why?" Jordan asks raising his head slightly to await Danielle's response.

"Just that you're a selfish jerk for like disappearing when she really needs you," Danielle says matter of factly.

"Oh, listen could you tell her I'm here?" He says as he turns himself away form the door.

"Well, are you coming in or what," Danielle demands from her position just inside the door.

"Nah, I'm good."

Danielle rolls her eyes and disappears behind the closing door.

*************************************************************

"Danielle," I shout. And just when I was about to yell at her some more for bursting into my room she says…

"Jordan Catalano's on the front porch he wants you to come out there."

"Oh my god Sharon he's here," I say into the phone in an exasperated sigh.

"What are you going to do," Sharon asked almost instantly.

"Well I guess I should go talk to him."

"Well Duh Angela, I mean what are you going to say? Are you going to give him the ultimatum?"

"I really don't know what I'm going to say." And that's the truth. At the moment I'm just so stunned that he actually showed up to talk that I can't even think beyond it.

"I'll call you later," I say before hanging up the phone.

"I told him you're mad at him, but all he did was look at me. Is he like challenged or something?" Danielle started in as soon as I hit the talk button on the cordless phone.

"Stay out of it Danielle," I said back almost mindlessly as I got up from my bed and headed for the door.

As I walked through the hallway and down the stairs I played my conversation with Sharon over and over in my head. Sharon had a very valid point I mean I have every right to demand that my needs be met in this relationship. It can't just be all about him all the time. And I mean it's not like I'm making some big deal out of nothing here, my parents are getting a divorce for cryin' out loud! On the other hand he's told me about a hundred times that he doesn't really know what he's supposed to do as like a boyfriend. But I mean how long can he use that excuse? How long can I let him?

His back is to me when I walk out onto the porch and he's looking out at the street like something really important is out there.

"Hey," I say cautiously.

It seems to startle him anyway and he turns around to face me.

"Oh, hey," he says running his hand through his hair.

I want so badly to fling myself into his arms and let his touch chase away all the hurt and anger that's been building inside me for the past few days, but I don't because I don't even know why he's here.

"So, what are you doing here?"

"I uh, I don't know I thought maybe you might want to get outta the house for a while. Y'know 'cause of everything that's been goin' on."

I have to restrain myself from giving that sentence more meaning than it actually has and believing that he really has had some kind of epiphany in the last 48 hours. I also know that if I get in his car I won't be able to control the course of events enough to get out all the things I need to say.

"Can we go for a walk? I kind of need the fresh air."

Jordan nods in response and we head down the steps. He makes no attempt to grab my hand once we reach the sidewalk, because he's too busy chewing his thumb nail, a nervous habit that used to be cute before I was able to recognize it as a tell tale sign of a frustrating conversation that lay ahead.

"I wasn't really expecting you to come by; you haven't really been around too much lately." I say trying to suppress my instinct to just release all my bottled up emotions instantly.

"Well we had that gig last night, and we were rehearsing all day yesterday workin' out these new songs cause the timing just wasn't…coming…together," he starts trailing off towards the end of the sentence and then lets out a long sigh.

"Look, I – I'm sorry. I should've come by sooner."

"Yeah, you should have." I say no longer doing such a great job of masking my frustration.

"I'm here now," he says with a little too much bite for my liking.

"Right, until things get too intense for you. Then you'll disappear again. If anyone should be there for me and know what I'm going through I would think it would be you."

"I said I was sorry okay, what else do you want me to say?"

"_What do I want you to say"_ I say bewildered by the audacity of his last statement and angry that he could be so flippant with me at a time like this. By now we've come to a stop on the sidewalk about halfway down my street.

"I'm sorry Jordan, but I don't exactly have a script to make this easier on you. Maybe you should ask Brian to write one up for you next time!"

He finally breaks eye contact with me and I can tell by the dejected and shameful look on his face that I've gone too far.

"Well excuse me, but my whole life is falling apart and my so-called _**boyfriend**_ is no where to be found. I think I have the right to be upset!"

"Look, I'm here and I'm trying, but all you want to do is yell at me."

"My-parents-are-getting-a-divorce, and you vanish on me…I think you deserve it!"

"So they split up, it happens all the time. It doesn't change anything. They're still your parents and they're still gonna be there for you y'know. They're just not together anymore that's all."

"I can't believe this, is everything that simple to you. No big deal you're family's just falling apart! Do you have any idea how hard this is for me?"

"No Angela I don't okay. Because my parents where such a fucking disaster that when they finally split it was like a fucking miracle okay.

He turned his back to me again, so that it was impossible to read his face. I took a second to finally take a deep breath, so that when I spoke again I was no longer yelling, but my tone still held all of its previous anger and disappointment.

"You know I just wanted to be able to believe that I could depend on you. That even though things were falling apart I could still count on you, on us, to make it through together. That somehow as long as I had you everything would be okay. But now I'm not so sure I'll ever be able to count on you for that. So, maybe…maybe it's better to know that now."

"What are you saying," he asked finally turning back around to face me.

"I'm saying…I don't know. I mean how long am I supposed to wait for you to figure out how to do this?" I ask gesturing between us to signal to him that I mean our relationship.

"I told you from the beginning I didn't know what I was doing. I never promised I wouldn't fuck up sometimes."

"I know that Jordan, but I didn't think I'd have to spell something like _this _out for you. I mean I just think if you really care about someone…"

"Angela," he says interrupting me with a pleading tone and an attempt to pull me to him.

I move away from him and cross my arms in front of my chest to let him know he'll not be ending this that easily. It was also an act of self-preservation because I had a tendency to loose my resolve whenever we came into physical contact.

"I do care, you know that. It's just that this kinda stuff is hard for me."

"Well, then let me make it easier for you. You better figure out a way to get better at this stuff, because I can't keep doing this Jordan. I just can't."

And with tears welling up in my eyes I took one last look at his face and waited for him to show me some kind of sign that I had gotten through to him and when I was met with his usual stoic stare I turned and left him standing there on the sidewalk alone.

I know it wasn't the grand sweeping gesture that Sharon had in mind when she told me to put my foot down, but it was a giant leap of faith for me and I trembled the entire way home from the feeling of his eyes on my back and the thought that maybe I had just put the death blow to our relationship, and the idea terrified me.

_**What did I just do?**_


	10. Chapter 10 A Light In The Dark Part 1

Hello, remember me? I apologize that it has taken me so very long to update this story but I take my beta job very seriously oh and I have this little thing called a real job that pays my bills and buys me food so I have to do things from time to time to keep it and that keeps me from doing as much writing as I'd like. So here is the latest installment of the story. This will be a two part chapter and I am nearly finished with part two and I should have that up in a couple of weeks. As always I appreciate any and all feedback and the fact that you take the time to read this, but most importantly I have to thank luvjordan for well…just being her and if you like the story you should thank her too because she is the magic that makes it happen.

And now……….

Chapter 10 – A Light In The Dark On The Search For A Resolution Part 1:

Jordan had spent the night hovering somewhere between anger and misery, chain smoking cigarettes, and turning over the options in his mind. Honestly there was some small part of him that was actually thankful for the turn of events yesterday. That part of him had been feeling somewhat suffocated by the realization of just how deep his feelings for Angela actually went and the level of responsibility that those emotions implied. That was the part of him that was angry too, angry at her for making such demands of him. Of course that part of him had been looking for a way out for a while now and was ready to jump on the one she'd hand delivered yesterday. And just when he'd be ready to give into that anger and use the situation as his escape route that's when the misery would kick in, and the idea of actually walking away from the first good thing he could ever remember having in his life would cause a hole to open up in his chest and it would feel like his heart was being ripped out. When the pain would overwhelm him he would start to ask himself why he'd ever let it get this far and the whole cycle would start over again.

He had decided as the sun was coming up and mocking him through the slats of the blinds on his window that he had no choice but to avoid her today as she would surely be anticipating some kind of decision from him. It would be difficult to say the least, she already new all of his favorite hiding places at school. So that left only one other alternative, ditching. He wasn't exactly thrilled with that either. He was sort of proud of the new leaf he'd turned over academically and this was the first time this semester that he would miss an entire day. Sure he'd skipped plenty of classes to make out with Angela or have a few extra smokes with Shane, but he'd been putting forth real effort to turn his life around lately. This situation was just too much to face on no sleep and with no real decision having been made. It's always been easier to run, and now is no exception.

I can't exactly say that I was surprised when Jordan didn't pick me up for school this morning. Although there was a part of me that had held out hope throughout the night that he might show up on my doorstep to pledge his undying love for me, and there was still a tiny flicker of that hope left this morning which is how I managed to get myself out of bed at all. But as the clock ticked past the time that Jordan usually came to pick me up, that flicker was snuffed out and I resigned myself to the bus. There's something terribly pathetic about a public school bus at seven a.m. on a Monday morning, but today that couldn't be more appropriate because pathetic is exactly how I feel. Why did I listen to Sharon's stupid ultimatum idea? Why did I have to put this giant wedge between me and Jordan when I really need him right now? The most important question is why did I have to let my anger over my _parents_ divorce destroy _my_ relationship? As the bus pulls into the school I scan the parking lot for the familiar red convertible, but there is no sign of it anywhere. Great, looks like I won't be getting any answers today.

Just as Jordan's body had finally succumbed to exhaustion and he had fallen into a deep but restless sleep he was jarred back into reality by someone knocking on the front door? He got up out of bed letting out a long sigh and wondering why it was again that he was friends with Shane.

"Hey man, you look like shit," Shane said as Jordan opened the door Shane blew past him and made his way to the kitchen. When Jordan caught up to him Shane had his head buried in the fridge rummaging for something to eat.

"I asked Angela where you were this morning and she looked at me like I killed her dog. You two get into a fight or somethin'?" Shane asked turning his head from the fridge to look at Jordan.

Jordan made no attempt at a response and instead slumped down into one of the kitchen chairs and avoided making eye contact with his friend.

"I'll take that as a yes. So, what'd ya do this time?" Shane asked turning himself toward his friend lunchmeat in hand.

This caught Jordan's attention and he lifted his head to meet Shane's eyes. "What makes you think it was me?"

"Whatever man, look, I don't know what happened but what I do know is that you wouldn't be hiding out if you thought you had no blame in what went down."

Jordan's eyes dropped away from Shane's and he let out another long sigh. Shane knew that it was time to change the subject.

"So listen man, I came over here to talk to you about somethin' else anyway."

Jordan gave no response or any indication that he was even listening to Shane at all, but Shane decided to proceed anyway.

"So, you and Angela, I mean you're going through it right now but you guys, you'll get back together right?"

"I dunno man," Jordan says quietly with a far away look in his eyes.

"Sure you will," Shane says confidently. "Listen, I was thinking about what we were talking about yesterday, about those girls…y'know the ones you were like with before. Now that you're with Angela and you guys are…y'know whatever, you wouldn't care if say one of those girls like started hanging out with someone else. Say, like maybe a friend of yours or somethin' right?"

Jordan was too caught up thinking about what Shane had first said, about him and Angela and how they were just in a tough spot now but they'd get back together. How could Shane sound so sure when Jordan felt so full of doubt? He didn't really hear anything that Shane had said after that. So when he snapped back into reality and realized that Shane was looking at him waiting for some kind of response to whatever he had said Jordan just answered with the most neutral thing he could think of.

"Sure man, whatever."

"Cool," Shane said smiling at Jordan and closing the refrigerator door. "Well listen man, I'll get outta here 'cause I know you got some stuff to work out."

Shane walked to the kitchen door and stopped and turned back to Jordan.

"Look bro," Shane says shifting his weight from one foot to the other slightly uncomfortable with the subject he was bringing up. "Whatever you gotta do to fix things with Angela…it'll be worth it. She's y'know _different_ and she makes you happy and you deserve that man, for real."

Jordan gave his friend a small smile and nodded his head in agreement and with that Shane left leaving Jordan to decide his next course of action.

Jordan spent the rest of the day trying to come up with the right words to explain himself to Angela. He paced the kitchen alternately rubbing his forehead and scribbling something in a notebook only to walk back over and scratch out the words seconds after the ink has dried. He cursed himself for not being better at these kinds of things. For a moment he considered just doing what he does best and writing her a song, but he quickly realizes that what he has to say would be best without the rhyming and musical accompaniment.

Frustrated with himself and the situation he rips the paper into a bunch of little pieces and tosses them in the air. Once the anger subsides he realizes that some of the stuff he had down wasn't half bad so he tries desperately to piece the page back together while hoping that the delivery of this little speech goes better that the writing of it has.

I'd spent the entire day at school going over and over what had happened and so far I'd only succeeded at making myself feel worse. This whole thing is my fault. But what did I really expect? That I could just give him an ultimatum and he'd fall right in line? Is that the kind of boyfriend I even wanted? I mean, I throw a fit and he just does whatever I say. If that was what I really wanted then I should have just dated Krakow.

The point is he came over right? That was like his attempt at being supportive. And what do I do? I yell at him, stomp my foot and pout like a child, and basically tell him it's not good enough. No wonder he's avoiding me today, I wouldn't want to talk to me right now either. This is what I get for listening to Sharon! She doesn't even know from one day to the next if she wants to be with Kyle, _oh_ but she knows _exactly_ what I need to do about Jordan…_right_!

Why can't I just accept him for who he is? I used to get so mad at my mother for nit-picking at everything my father did, and now here I am doing the exact same thing. I really can't stand my parents right now for a lot of things but mostly for the fact that all of _their_ crap is ruining _my_ relationship.

I'm really not being fair to him. He's been so patient with me about the whole sex thing. He doesn't expect me to like, _change_ overnight even though he would _really_ like me to and here I am making all these demands and expecting him to be the perfect boyfriend when he has told me _repeatedly_ that he has no idea how to do that! That's it, I'm just going to apologize and hopefully everything will be okay.

But what if he doesn't even want to speak to me? What if he's totally over this whole thing and doesn't want to deal with it at all? Oh my God! What did I do?

I am completely shocked to see his car in the parking lot as I come down the steps already prepared to walk to his house and apologize until I'm blue in the face if that's what it takes to get him to forget this whole stupid thing.

"Hey," I say hesitantly as I open the door and lean my head in. Testing the waters to make sure he really is here to talk to me.

"Hey," he says back sparing me only a quick glance that doesn't help me to gauge his mood at all.

"Get in,"

The air in the car is thick with tension and I look at Jordan waiting for any kind of sign that the conversation we're about to have will be a good one. He takes a few deep breaths like he might be ready to say something, but he doesn't. The silence starts to weigh on me and I feel like I need to say something, anything to find some kind of relief from it.

"Listen, I'm sorry about what happened yesterday. This whole thing with my parents has just been…and that's like no excuse for me to be angry with you. It's just that when I didn't really hear from you and you weren't coming by it felt like maybe our relationship was falling apart just like my parents, not that we're like married or _God_ anywhere close or anything! I just mean that I was _obviously_ overreacting. I just sort of couldn't help it you know, but I want you to know that I _am_ sorry. So, let's just forget about it okay."

Jordan is floored; he has no idea how to respond to what she just said. He had put so much effort into preparing just the right words to tell her how he really feels, and had even gone as far as rehearsing them on the drive over. But looking at her now she seemed so relieved at the idea of putting the whole thing behind them, and really that was all he had wanted to accomplish anyway. He figured it couldn't hurt to just leave well enough alone if she was happy to do the same.

"Yeah sure," he says giving her a small smile and a slight but semi-reassuring nod.

I can tell that he's holding something back by the look in his eyes. I have to stop this, I have got to stop dissecting everything he does or doesn't do and making it mean something when it probably doesn't mean anything at all. I will not turn into my mother!

"So, where were you today," I ask trying to move the conversation forward.

"Oh, I uh…I wasn't feelin' so good earlier," he says seemingly picking up on her idea to push the conversation in a more neutral direction.

"You're okay now though right?"

"Yeah, yeah I'm much better now," he says and lets a slightly bigger smile show on his face.

It's like we were speaking in some kind of code. Like we'd just made some kind of pact to forget this whole stupid thing ever happened and even though there was a part of me that wondered what it was that Jordan had come here to really say today, most of me was just happy that it was over.

Jordan is working on replacing the brake pads on a shiny black Lexus when Shane comes up behind him.

"What's up dude?"

Jordan is startled out of his thoughts by the sound of Shane's voice and whirls around to face him.

"Jesus dude, you scared the shit outta me! What the hell you doin' here?"

"Besides thinkin' about playin' the lotto tonight so maybe I can get me one of these babies?" Shane says as he pats the side of the car as it sits up on the lift.

Jordan rolls his eyes and begins to wipe the grease from his hands with a rag he pulled from the back pocket of his coveralls and waits for Shane to tell him the real reason for his visit to the shop.

"Well you know how I told you this mornin' about that girl I been talkin' to?"

Jordan draws a blank and although he doesn't want Shane to know he wasn't really listening he's no liar so he decides to play it non-committal.

"What about it?"

"I was thinkin' maybe since you seemed so cool with it that maybe if things between you and Angela were back to normal we could all go out and do somethin', maybe a movie…tomorrow night?"

Jordan couldn't for the life of him figure out what Shane was talking about. He'd been so preoccupied with this thing with Angela he hadn't really given Shane his full attention. But he could tell by the look on Shane's face that this was important. Plus he figured that if that was the case he should probably just go with it. What's the worst that could happen right?

"Yeah, I guess, lemme talk to her about it. I'll let you know."

"Cool," Shane says looking relieved as a smile spreads over his face.

This is so weird. I don't even know why I agreed to go on this like double date with Shane and some _mystery_ girl. I guess it's because Jordan and I haven't really spent a lot of time together since we made up. He had to work last night and then I made him go to all his classes today to make up for skipping out on Monday. Plus he said it was really important to Shane and the last thing I want to do right now is start another unnecessary argument with him. I should just try to think positive, maybe I'll really like this girl and I'll finally have someone to hang out with at rehearsals.

As they drove to Shane's house Jordan could tell that there was still some awkwardness between he and Angela. It wasn't so much that he'd really wanted to go out with Shane and whoever this chick was he was talkin' to, but Shane just seemed like it was something really important and Jordan felt guilty for not really having as much time for his friend these days. Truthfully he owed Shane big time for kickin' his ass in gear these last couple of days. He figured even if things between him and Angela were sort of strange at least they were together and if it weren't for Shane who knows if that would even be the case.

We pull into Shane's driveway and Jordan honks the horn. Shane comes out the door a few seconds later and I think my eyes must be playing a trick on me because I could swear that it's Cynthia Hargrove following him to the car.

I immediately turn my head to Jordan, to try and get some answers to the one million questions running through my head. The only response I get from him is a shrug of his shoulders and a shake of his head. He really expects me to believe that he had no idea who Shane's date for the evening was. Like Shane wouldn't have cleared this with him first! I cannot believe this is happening!

"Hey guys," Shane says grinning from ear to ear clearly excited about the night as he and Cynthia climb into the backseat of the car.

"It's so great that you guys were cool with this," Cynthia begins to nervously chatter trying to kill the awkward tension in the car. "I kind of didn't believe Shane when he said that you guys had agreed to go out. It's stupid when you think about it. I mean there's no reason we can't all be friends right?"

Jordan and I exchange a look and I try to remember that the whole point of this night is to try and put that stupid argument from the other day behind us and so I decide to just try to get through the night.

"Right," I say with enough false assurance to let the entire world know that I was in fact Patty Chase's daughter.

"Right," Jordan says rather flatly and almost sarcastically.

We head to the movie theater in near silence that is only interrupted by Cynthia re-iterating how much fun she is sure we are going to have.

TO BE CONTINUED…


	11. Chapter 11 A Light In The Dark Part 2

Chapter 10 – A Light In The Dark On The Search For A Resolution – Part 2

At the theater we buy our tickets and there is another awkward moment as we try and decide on a seating arrangement. Ultimately I end up sitting next to Cynthia with Shane and Jordan on either side of us. And even though the idea of touching elbows with someone that my boyfriend used to…umm for two and a half hours makes my skin crawl it's better than having the two of them sit next to each other.

As a tub of popcorn and a soda dance across the movie screen I can feel my stomach twisting into a huge swirling mass and all I want to do is get up and run to the nearest exit.

"I'm really glad you were okay with this," Cynthia leans in and whispers to me. "I mean I know how weird this must be for you."

I try with all my might to suppress the urge to scream in her face that she has absolutely no idea how weird this is for me and I just give her a small tight smile instead.

"No, really it's fine. I mean you're right, there's like no reason that we can't be friends."

"Well there is a reason," Cynthia says looking Angela dead in the eye. "A really big reason and most girls wouldn't be able to get past it. I guess it's like you and your friend were saying that one day in the bathroom, y'know when I though you were that other red haired girl that used to work at Big Guy. Anyway, you guys were talking about how what you and Jordan have is really special like seeing a comet or something. So I guess when you know you have something that great you don't let something like a girl he used to hang out with get to you the way a lot of other girls would."

Sometimes it's amazing how someone can say something so completely profound that it just renders you totally speechless. I have just been blind sided by Cynthia Hargrove, again. I give her a smile and then turn my attention back to the movie screen.

After the movie we head to Big Guy Burger to grab something to eat and I can't ignore the feeling in the pit of my stomach that says this could be where things really start to take a turn for the worse, but it seems silly to think we couldn't make it through a couple of burgers so I decide to just go with the flow.

Once we get our food we settle into a booth. Shane and Cynthia sit across from us but I make sure that Shane and Jordan end up facing one another, going with the flow or not there's no reason to take any chances here.

"Did anyone grab any napkins," Cynthia asks looking up from her food and trying to cover her mouth with her hand.

Everyone looks around the table only to realize that no one had bothered to grab any. Jordan promptly gets up and grabs a stack that was sitting on a table not too far away and hands them to Cynthia.

"Thanks," she says as she attempts to wipe the ketchup from her face with one of the napkins.

"You missed it," Jordan says looking at her across the table.

"What?" Cynthia says meeting his eyes.

"You still have a little right there," he says pointing to the spot on his face where some of the ketchup still lingers on hers.

Cynthia tries again with the napkin but fails. Jordan chuckles a little and reaches across the table grabs a napkin and proceeds to remove the offending blob for her.

"Got it," Jordan says resuming his seat and then proceeds to bite into his own burger.

"Thanks," Cynthia says nonchalantly.

I cannot believe he just did that! He just touched her like that _right _in front of me like it was nothing at all, like it is perfectly okay to just go around touching other people's faces when you're _clearly_ involved with someone else. I mean what would he think if I just touched Shane's face like that, and that's not even entirely the same because Shane and I have never _slept_ together!

The thought makes me remember poor Shane. I wonder if he is just as uncomfortable and upset as I am. I look over at him to see if he is handling the situation any better than me. Judging by the look of astonishment and slight irritation that I see momentarily flash on his face I can only assume that the answer to that question is a very resounding _no_.

Jordan notices that it's raining out and recalls the last time he was with Cynthia in the rain.

"Hey Cyn," he says dropping a French fry back in the basket.

I find myself immediately tensing when I hear Jordan address Cynthia and I have to swallow the lump of anger that rises in my throat when I realize that not only is he talking to her but he's using some kind of pet name. Isn't it bad enough that he practically made out with her at the table right in front of me and Shane now he's calling her _Cyn _too!

"Yeah," She asks causally barley looking up from her food.

Shane begins to move around in his seat and turns his head so he's no longer looking anywhere near anyone at the table but instead he appears to be studying the poster advertising the new mushroom Swiss burger on the wall.

"You remember that time," Jordan says never making eye contact with Cynthia but staring out the window into the rain instead. "We where parked out on that dirt road outside of town for like an hour and we got stuck when the rain just like came outta no where? I told you I needed you to get outta the car and help me push 'er outta the mud, and you started complaining about not wanting to get wet cause it'd ruin your hair and makeup. So I tell ya you gotta help me or we'd be stuck out there all night. Then as soon as you open the door and take one step you slip and fall right into that big puddle of mud and you're just like covered in it and all we could do was laugh. You remember that?"

He finishes the story and finally makes eye contact with her.

"Yeah," she says laughing at the memory.

Jordan chuckles a little to himself and picks up another fry from his basket but before popping it into his mouth he looks back in Cynthia's direction but not at her, he sort of looks off into space.

"Y'know I think that was like one of the best times we ever had," he says and smiles again and then pops the fry into his mouth.

He is completely oblivious to the daggers Angela is shooting at him and the look of mild irritation that has now taken up permanent residence on his best friends face.

We drop Shane and Cynthia off at Shane's and once we are alone I suddenly reached a whole new level of anger. I can't stop thinking about how flirty Jordan was being with Cynthia. He's obviously still attracted to her. I wonder if that's what he was really trying to say to me yesterday at school, that he wants to breakup so he can go back to having sex with random girls in the back seat of his car instead of waiting for me to be ready. What if he changed his mind about everything but backed out of saying anything because I looked so desperate and pathetic? I wish he would have just been man enough to tell me right then and there instead of dragging me out on this stupid date so he could humiliate me in front of other people.

"So, that was weird. I had no idea that was the girl that Shane was bringing or I wouldn't have even…"

"Oh don't even act like you didn't like seeing her," Angela says cutting him off before he can finish his thought.

"What's that supposed to mean?" He says as he looks over at her indignantly.

"That little story of yours, how do you think that made me feel to hear you talk about the two of you being together like that?"

"I was just y'know makin' conversation. It wasn't like it was a big deal or anything. I mean that happened like a year ago."

"Oh, it's not a big deal? It's not a big deal to reminisce about some girl you had sex with all the time while you're on a double date with her and your girlfriend!"

"First of all," Jordan says finally raising his voice to match hers. "I didn't have sex with Cynthia _all_ the time, and it was a year ago okay she's just a friend now. I didn't really think about it when I brought it up I was just talking, just trying to be nice or whatever."

"Yeah right, from the look on your face I could see what kind of_ nice_ you wanted to be to her."

"Come on don't be like this," Jordan says lowering his voice and trying to get her to calm down too. "She's like one of the guys to me. It was a funny story okay, it's like… if Shane had fallen in the mud I would have told the story about him."

"Well then why were you being all attentive to her and touchy feely with her, like I wasn't even there?"

"_What are you talking about_," he asks frustrated by her accusation.

"I'm talking about _**'let me get your napkin for you **__**Cyn**__**', 'let me wipe your face for you **__**Cyn**__**', 'Hey **__**Cyn**__** you remember that great night we had having sex in the back seat of my car**_**' **I mean you were all over her!"

"You're being ridiculous."

"Oh really, _I'm_ being ridiculous?"

I get out of his car the second Jordan stops in front of my house and slam the door before making a bee line for the front door. I only slow down when I've made it about half way up the walk way when a thought hits me so I turn back around to face the car.

"Don't bother picking me up for school tomorrow. I'd prefer to ride the bus!"

"Fine by me," Jordan says completely exasperated by the situation.

With that I turn back around and head inside slamming the front door behind me.

I've been avoiding seeing Jordan all day. I can't face him right now, and the fact that I've been unable to face him more often than not this week does not escape me. What if all this fighting is really just us coming to the end of our relationship. I really don't know how much more of this we can take, or how much more _I_ can take for that matter.

I've also had to avoid my friends today. I can't deal with the looks and condescending tones as they are proven right, Jordan Catalano did in fact let me down just as they all warned me he would.

Without thinking I walk into the second floor girl's bathroom between 4th and 5th period. This is always when Rickie and Rayanne meet up to figure out if they are going to skip the rest of the day or not or where they're going to try and talk Tino into going for lunch. I was trying to quietly sneak back out the door when Rayanne spotted me.

"Angelica! Where have you been hiding all day? Another hot and steamy morning with Catalano in the boiler room?"

"No," I say rolling my eyes at Rayanne's suggestive tone.

"How did the movie go last night?"

I curse myself for ever having mentioned the stupid double date to Rickie, but at the time how could I have known how terrible the night would go?

"What movie?" Rayanne asks hopping up to her perch on the window ledge.

"Her and Jordan went on this like double date with Shane and some mystery girl. Did you like her?"

"Let me get this straight," Rayanne says waiving her hands and the fruit roll up she'd dug out of her purse around wildly. _"Mr. Whatever happens, happens I can't show up to meet your parents_ is going out on double dates with you now? Way to go Angelica! I mean not many girls could have a guy that whipped and not be puttin' out!"

"Rayanne," Rickie says scolding her but Rayanne just shrugs off the pointed look.

"It was fine," I say lying through my teeth but hoping that they can't tell.

"So, who was the girl? Y'know Shane's date or whatever, who was she?" Rickie asks trying to move the conversation along.

I hesitate before answering the question because I'm not really sure I want to share my humiliation with more than the two who witnessed it last night, but Rayanne would probably find out from Tino or somebody that Shane and Cynthia are dating eventually anyway so there's really no point in trying to cover it up.

"Cynthia Hargrove," I finally mutter under my breath.

"Shane is _dating_ Cynthia Hargrove!" Rayanne says flying off the window ledge. "Didn't anyone ever tell him that you can't turn a ho into a housewife? Oh my God and you actually had to _go out_ with them? You have to tell us everything!"

"It was no big deal, we just went to the movie and then to Big Guy after." I say, trying to act nonchalant despite the fact that I am completely regretting my decision to be honest, and allowing myself to even have this conversation.

"I can just see you sitting there with the semi-precious pimple swapping amusing anecdotes about Catalano's make-out technique. Cynthia giving you tips on how to really get him going in the sack over greasy hamburgers and stale French fries. What I would have given to have been a fly on that wall!"

"_Rayanne_," I say pleading with her to stop.

"Oh calm down," she says as she sits on the edge of the sink. "I know that's not what happened, but it should have. I mean you were all thinking about it. That's what's wrong with the world, not enough people say what they're actually thinking. It would make things so much more…_exciting_."

"Well maybe people just want to be nice." I say in response.

"Oh please, who wants nice? Millions of people do not tune into Jerry Springer everyday to watch people being nice to each other!"

"So really, how did it go?" Rickie asks using the brief moment of silence from Rayanne as an opportunity to get to the bottom of this because he can tell that Angela has something on her mind.

Again I weigh out my options. I can spill the whole story and maybe risk a few smart comments from Rayanne and gain some outside perspective from Rickie or I can try to figure it out on my own. Seeing that I've gotten no where on by spending the entire day obsessing over it I might as well throw caution to the wind and just tell them everything. At least I will get a sympathetic ear in Rickie and sometimes it just helps to talk about stuff.

So I recount the events of the evening to my friends and then await their judgment.

"Well I hate to tell you I told you so. Oh who am I kidding I love to say it!" Rayanne says laughing a little. "Seriously Angel-food, you give the word and I know a guy that would steal Catalano's car and sell it for parts. He'd even split the profit with you; you could consider it restitution for him being such a _colossal dumbass_."

"Thanks Rayanne, but I don't think this calls for grand theft auto. At this point, I'd just settle for him admitting that he's still interested in her instead of acting like he's completely innocent."

"Well I mean…and don't take this the wrong way or whatever, but what if he_ is_…y'know _innocent_?" Rickie says hesitantly.

"I'm sorry, but were you just listening to the same story I was? He practically jumped her bones at Big Guy Burger!" Rayanne says hands flailing around like a mad woman.

"Thank you!" I say, happy to have some reassurance for how I've been feeling since last night.

"I'm not saying that it wasn't wrong. I'm just saying that like what if he never intended for it come out that way? What if he had like good intentions or something but it just got all screwed up because he didn't really think about what he was saying." Rickie says trying to talk some sense into the girls.

Rayanne turns around from where she is now standing in front of the mirror applying lip stick.

"Not thinking before acting, yeah that's Catalano alright. Not that I can't relate…obviously."

"Yeah we've all done that right?" Rickie says feeling bolstered by Rayanne's agreement. "I know that some of my most embarrassing moments have been because I said something that someone took a completely different way then how I meant it."

"I guess, I can maybe see how him telling that horrible story was a mistake, but then why was he touching her and getting her napkins and all that? I mean he was acting like _she _was his date."

"Oh, she's got ya there." Rayanne says leaning in closer to Rickie.

"Well, it could be kinda the same thing. Like he's just sort of _used_ to Cynthia I mean they have spent time together and when you spend time with someone, even some on you like dislike, you just sort of get used to them, like _comfortable _or whatever. So him acting that way was probably just a part of him being used to her and he didn't really think anything about it because it just seemed normal."

The first thing that comes to my mind is how I am with Brian. I mean I'm comfortable with him because I've known him for so long. He can drive me crazy sometimes because of how well I know him, but God that doesn't mean I'm like _attracted_ to him or anything.

"I can kinda see that," Rayanne says looking back at Angela. "Okay, I _hate_ Amber's boyfriend Rusty with like a _passion_ but I have caught myself picking up the latest auto trader for him if I see it when I'm out somewhere. It just sorta happens, like I don't even think about it."

"I guess that makes sense but I still think if you're with someone then you should think about how they'll feel about certain things before you do them. Just like out of respect for that person."

"Look Angela," Rickie says as he walks closer to Angela and puts his hands on her shoulders. "I say this with love. You have got to stop assuming that Jordan is going to hurt you because when you keep expecting the worst from people that's when they start giving it to you. I know that Jordan is new at this whole relationship thing, but so are you. You have to learn to trust him or it's never going to work."

I move in closer to Rickie and wrap him up in a hug. What would I do with out my friends?

"Thanks for talking me down from the ledge again you guys," I say as I lift my head from Rickie's shoulder and look at Rayanne. "And for offering to chop up Jordan's car as revenge."

"Hey that offer's still on the table. If he doesn't pull his head outta his ass and stop dickin' around you just let me know okay?" Rayanne says smiling.

I can't help but laugh and roll my eyes a little but in my heart nothing has ever meant more than really knowing that my friends would do anything for me.

I look for Jordan the rest of the day but I can't seem to find him anywhere. So when the final bell rings signaling the end of the day I rush through the halls trying to make it to the parking lot and catch him before he leaves. All of a sudden I hear someone call my name so I stop and turn to see Cynthia pushing her way through the crowd towards me.

"Angela, wait up."

I have no idea what she could possibly have to say to me after last night so I just stand there with my arms crossed and wait for her to speak first.

"Listen," she says when she finally comes to a stop. "Me and Shane were talking last night after you guys dropped us off and he was kinda mad about some stuff that happened. We worked it out n'all but he said that you were probably mad too. So I wanted you to know that me and Jordan are _just_ friends now. What happened between us was a long time ago and it was nothing like what you guys have. I'll admit that I was like a little jealous of that or whatever for a while, but I've let it go now. I mean he really cares about you Angela. You shouldn't let anything ruin that for you. I'm pretty sure that I _never_ saw his perfectness and I know for a _fact_ that I was _never_ like a comet to him. So just find him and work it okay."

All I can do is nod my head in response to her. This is the second time that Cynthia has brought up that thing Rickie said in the bathroom about sex being like seeing a comet and how you should be able to see the other person's perfectness. It must have really meant something to her, and maybe it should have meant more to me. I remember Amber talking one time about signs in the universe and how we just have to be looking for them, and I can't help but think that maybe this whole thing with Cynthia Hargrove is just the universe giving me a sign that I am like completely screwing things up with Jordan Catalano. I have to talk to him.

I can't find him in the parking lot. I'm not even sure if he came to school today since he's done such a good job of avoiding me. The disappointment settles into my chest like a lead weight as I climb onto the bus and it feels like the light went out on the road to a resolution.

I've paced my bedroom for about an hour now, phone in hand, debating about whether or not this is the kind of discussion that you should have over the phone. It seems like something you should do in person so that your words carry the right weight and the other person can see the sincerity in your eyes, but on the other hand this definitely doesn't feel like the kind of thing that should be left any longer than absolutely necessary.

I finally give into the pressing desire to fix things and press the TALK button on the cordless phone. In the entire time I've known Jordan Catalano I've maybe called his house all of five times. He's usually never there for one and secondly he's told me repeatedly that he didn't want me to have to talk to his dad, like _ever_.

The muffled sound of the lines connecting and Jordan's phone ringing is one of the most frightening sounds I've ever heard and it takes a painful three rings for Jordan to finally pick up.

"Hello," he says already sounding annoyed.

"Hi, it's me."

"Angela?"

Was he expecting someone else? How many girls call his house and only offer 'it's me' as identification. Okay, I've got to stop doing this. This is exactly how all of this got started in the first place.

"Yeah, how are you?"

"Fine," the irritation in his voice grows. He doesn't really understand why she's calling since he thought she'd made it pretty clear she was done last night. He decides he's not apologizing if that's what she's looking for, he knows he did nothing wrong.

"Um, so I looked for you…after school, but I didn't see the car so I got on the bus."

"I had stuff to do," he says half heartedly still unsure what her reason for calling could be.

"Yeah, I figured. I mean, I didn't really expect you to even pick up. I just thought I'd, y'know try."

"Why are you calling me? I thought you didn't want to talk to me."

"I didn't, but then I realized…"

He cuts her off because he's tired of all the back and forth with her and he no longer attempts to hide the anger and frustration in his voice because he doesn't know what she wants from him anymore.

"Look, I don't know what you want me to say or do, I…"

This time it's her turn to stop him short. The anger in his voice draws out the will power in her to finally just get to the point and tell him what she's been thinking about all day.

"I'm sorry…I'm sorry I freaked out about Cynthia. I get that you guys are just friends and maybe you're just really used to each other and you weren't thinking about how the things you were doing might look to me, but see that's what really upset me. Not so much what you were doing or saying just that you weren't thinking, y'know about me and how I would feel. Because I just think that when you are with someone that should be something that you… think about…you should think about how what you're doing might make them feel. Just like out of respect for them because…"

"Angela," he says raising his voice to get her attention because he can tell she's getting really worked up and he might never get a chance to get a word in if he doesn't stop her now.

"I didn't mean to make you feel bad. Why would I wanna do somethin' that would make you feel bad? I was just…I was just making conversation. But I get it now, ok? I get it."

"I know you didn't and I didn't get what you were doing either. I guess we're both pretty new to this relationship thing, not just you y'know? And I know that sometimes I overreact, and I know that I have to stop doing that and I have to like, trust you more. I don't want you to feel like I'm always expecting the worst from you. I don't, it's just …sometimes, it's like…there's this whole part of your life, like from before and it makes me, I don't know…"

"Insecure?" A few months ago he would have been at a loss for the right word for the situation and he would have had to settle for just being quiet until she could come up with it herself. He was proud of himself and liked feeling like more of her equal, especially at times like these.

"Yeah," she says wondering how he was able to come up with such a perfect word. "I guess there are things we're both going to have to figure out to make this work."

"Yeah," is now all he can manage to say, once again reduced to one syllable words.

"So, that's why I called, to say I'm sorry."

"I'm new to this, but I think it's a big deal when a girl says she was wrong and then apologizes. Maybe they'll throw a parade in my honor." He says trying to lighten the mood.

She laughs at his joke and so does he.

"Shut up," she says through giggles.

"No, really Jason and Sabrina fight all the time and even when he's right, he's wrong and she _never_ apologizes for _anything_. So I think I might be some kind of hero or something."

"Oh well in that case we should probably alert the media," she says sarcastically before laughing again.

"That's not a bad idea. Listen would you mind saying it into a tape recorder next time? That way the guys around the world can hear it. I could have my own holiday."

"Whatever. And what do you mean _next time_? We don't fight _that _much."

"We've had like two fights in the last week, I'm pretty sure there's gonna be a next time and I think recording it is my best defense. Maybe you should take some boxing lessons and we can just settle it in the ring. It's much faster…and less painful."

"Right, I could see it now."

Jordan does his best impression of a fight announcer "In this corner Angela 'The Red Menace' Chase."

Angela laughs and he chuckles

"It'd be a pretty quick fight. I'd have a hard time concentrating with you in shorts." He resumes his impersonation of the announcer again "Chase has him against the ropes. She's pummeling him. He's not even blocking her punches. Oh, and Catalano's out like a light."

"Stop, I can't breathe." She says through laughter.

He laughs too, mostly at her laughter and it's not long before they are both swept away in it.

Finally, I let out a long sigh trying to bring my heart rate down and get control of my breathing again. As I let out the last of the sigh I say, "God, I love you."

We are both still laughing but as a second passes it seems to hit us both what I just said because we go silent at the same time.

I start to panic as the silence continues. Did I just say what I think I just said? I was just joking, y'know it was the kind of thing people just say. He can't think I really meant it right? Well I mean…I do kind of mean it. Not even kind of I really mean it. Well I didn't mean it right then, but I do mean it now. Oh God, he's not saying anything. I bet he thinks I meant it, like really meant it when I said it to be funny. I have to get off the phone with him before this gets worse. How could it get any worse!?

"Listen," I begin saying shakily. "I uh, that was just…I was just kidd…"

"Angela I…" Jordan interrupts.

"I have to go!" I yell and hang up the phone before he can say anything else.

My life is a nightmare…I think I'm going to be sick.

Jordan is in a daze and it's not until the phone starts beeping to be placed back on the hook that he comes back to reality. He knows that she was just being funny when she said it. It was just supposed to be one of those silly things that people say that don't really mean anything, but the silence afterwards said more than either of them anticipated. Things had officially gotten far more complicated than he was prepared for when he'd started this whole thing with her. He'd know since her birthday, well before that even if he was really honest with himself, that she loved him. He'd been trying ever since then to stop her from actually saying the words aloud.

Now here they were right out in the open so that neither of them could deny it any longer. Despite whatever excuse Angela might give for the slip or how many times she tells him she doesn't expect him to say it back he knows the truth.

There was a time when Jordan thought he could just keep his true feelings from her and that they could just enjoy the simplicity of what they shared without complicating things too much. That time ended about five minutes ago.

He spends the next two hours driving around in his car trying to re-memorize what he'd wanted to say to her a couple of days ago. This was it he told himself, time to come clean.

He starts heading towards her house figuring that as hard as it will be he should be face to face with her when he says what's been on his mind, and her knows for sure he doesn't want to deal with all the distractions at school.

He rings her doorbell and it's only a few seconds that pass before she opens the door. It's almost like she was waiting for him, but she still seems surprised to see him standing there at the same time.

"Oh hi," the surprise is audible in her tone of voice too.

"Hey," he says shifting his weight uncomfortably form one foot to the other.

I move out onto the front porch and close the door behind me and as I do I can't help but notice that as I close some of the distance between us he steps back further. My heart drops in my chest and my brain starts to go into survival mode and I immediately start to try and back pedal out of the situation.

"Listen, what happened earlier was just like…I didn't mean for it to. What I'm trying to say is…"

"Angela, I…" he says it in a whisper as she's talking.

I hear him whisper my name, but I can't risk hearing the words that come after that whisper so I just keep trying to explain myself in hopes of changing his mind.

"I don't want you to feel pressured to…or like you have to…"

"Angela," he says loudly interrupting her. "Listen, there's just something that I've got to say so can you just like not…talk for a minute so I can get this out."

I nod my head in agreement finally catching the seriousness in his tone and the anguish on his face. I start preparing myself for the worst, for him to say what I fear the most. That the fighting has gotten to be too much and while there was a time when he thought he might feel something real for me he just can't see how we could really make things work anymore.

He closes the space between them and takes her hands in his and laces his fingers together with hers. He holds up their joined hands and inspecting them with an indistinguishable look on his face.

As a few seconds pass I fight the temptation to fill the silence, and finally he looks up and meets my eyes and it's then I can't help but think that maybe I had this all wrong and my hope is ignited and the light banishes the darkness that had a hold of my heart.

I am completely swept up in the moment as he pulls me in close to him. The way his hand feels as it glides through my hair and down the side of my face. The intensity of his eyes as they search my face like one of my freckles might hold the secret to life or something. The electricity in the air around us is so strong it feels like it could move a mountain, and just when I don't think I can take anymore his eyes lock on mine and he parts his beautiful lips to speak. My breath catches in my throat and that familiar buzz starts up between my ears because I know what's about to happen and I can hardly keep myself from passing out at the thought.

"Angela, I want you to know that I…"

THE END

*** Okay, no one shoot me or anything, but I was serious just now when I typed THE END. I am really ending this story. There will be an epilogue posted in the next week to wrap things up and then it is officially over. That does not mean that you won't get anything more from me in the future…I love MSCL way too much to ever stop writing for it, but I feel like this story has run it's course. Thank you all so much for your support and reviews, you have all made this experience a great one and I owe you all so very much. Of course I owe the most to luvjordan who is my very dear friend as well as a tireless source of inspiration for me, oh yeah and she's also my beta! I really hope that more of you will start contributing to this fandom. We are all blessed with a voice it's up to us to use it! Plus, I need more too read! Thank you again so very, very much.***


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