Grey's Anatomy 1. All this that is more than a wish

A/N: Everything else is proving difficult to write so somehow this came about while I was trying to make sense of the GA timeline, which is an excellent way to waste time. I've tried to think of a way to summarize what I have and where I'm going but I think you'll see. Oh and we are pre-affair here but still stuck in their marriage mess. Thanks to the all knowing beta. All cut lyrics and title are from Metric's "Ending Start". Enjoy-

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All this that is more than a wish is a memory  
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"I called Richard." Derek mutters as he hits the button and finishes scrubbing out of his last surgery of the day.

"Yeah, what for?" Mark asks reaching for a paper towel. It's been a long day and aside from the fact that he hasn't seen Derek outside of the OR in nearly a month he's still genuinely interested in what he has going on, as long as it doesn't interfere with his date in an hour with what's her face from psych…or was it peds, oh well.

Toweling dry Derek careens his neck from side to side trying to work out the permanent tension. "I was thinking of going out there for a little while."

"He's got a case?"

"Not exactly." He answers nonchalantly and pulls at the plain green scrub cap until it is hanging loosely from his tired fingers. It swings in the cool air from side to side waiting for to drop onto the hard tile. His fingers lightly grasp the smooth fabric but it doesn't slip.

"Well what exactly is it man?"

"I just need a change of scenery. I thought maybe I could out there for a month, do some fishing, work at a different hospital for a few weeks. I need a break."

The first thing that jumps to his mind is, "Umm…you have a wife or did you forget again?" but he bites his tongue and nods as Derek continues on with his story. He's grinning, there's emotion where there's just been a void before and he'll gladly step back from defending Addison for a moment if it makes his friend happy.

"He says that I could stay permanently. He's only been there two years but I think he's really shaking things up out there."

"Where's there again?" Mark grumbles leaning against the free wall that isn't decorated with gloves and hazardous materials.

"Seattle."

"Seattle? Seriously?"

"Yeah, it would be a nice change." He shrugs and pulls his shirt free from his pants. The only thing he wants to do is kick off his shoes and curl into a ball on the hard mattress of the fifth floor on call room.

"Yeah, I guess. Doesn't it rain there a lot?" Mark states trying not to roll his eyes. He constantly reminds himself that it's none of his damn business…except it is his business. When Derek shoves him into going out to dinner with Addison, though more often than not he is volunteering now, and when he accidentally catches Addison crying in an unlocked supply room because their mutual best friend is the worlds' biggest jackass and is too dumb to see any of it. None of his business he repeats silently. It's one hell of a mantra.

"What? You just said…and now you're rolling your eyes at me. What gives?"

"Nothing, look I have a date. I'll see you tomorrow man." He slaps him on the back and walks out of the room secretly hoping he'll wake up in the morning with a brain that can do something besides operate.

**_-----_**

He staggers into the on call room and tosses his lab coat to the floor hearing his pager clatter against the solid floor. Deciding against seeing if it is still functioning he kicks his designated surgery shoes under the bed and rubs at his eyes. He drowsily feels his head hit the pillow and then the blackness consumes him until the annoying sound of an emergency sets him off. Groggily he pulls the white fabric to him with his toes and sees the number. He reaches for his shoes angrily and scoops up the now empty coat from the cold ground.

His hair matted to the left side of his face, half of his scrub top tucked in and with one shoe on he enters the elevator. Through the downward spiral of illuminating lights he manages to pull on the other shoe but not tie it and musses his hair enough so that it looks sloppy on purpose. When the doors ding open she stands immaculate, pristine and impatiently waiting on him.

"I've been looking for you everywhere." In truth she's been looking everywhere, not really hard mind you but nevertheless, for the last three days straight. She literally hasn't seen her husband in days.

"Well, you found me. What do you want Addison? I'm tired."

"I want to go home." She replies placing a hand on her hip and daring him to challenge the fact that he will be going there with her. It'd be a first for the week. He sighs and she drops the attitude looking almost pathetic.

"Fine. Let's waste an hour getting home, get three hours of sleep, wake up almost three hours before we have to be here so we can both get ready, and spend another hour commuting. Good plan Addie."

Her face contorts in thought and she isn't about to mention the fact that she can't really sleep when it is only her in their bed; the fact that her back is almost permanently misaligned from sleeping on the couch waiting for him to get home these days. He never does. "Fine. I'll go." She doesn't want to fight, not here. She's too tired to argue; too exhausted to care that he'd rather not see her in any sense now. Sometimes she thinks she must be crazy for thinking these things. Times like right now-

"You work tomorrow?" He used to have her days memorized. Used to sneak lunches with her when they were both on duty and used to make her breakfast before he left for the day when she was off. But that was then and this is now. Now he is a busy man, the head of his department with the paperwork mountain to prove it.

"Yeah at 11." She responds lighting up a little. He hasn't shown in an interest in her breathing for the last year let alone her work schedule. She respects what he does, she understands it, the challenges, the energy and concentration that are required, but she just doesn't understand why he can't balance. Certainly she was no role model and had forgotten their anniversary this year, as had he, but at least she knew that he existed outside the walls of the hospital, or rather he used to.

"Ok sleep well honey." He turns with the obligatory salutation and habitual pet name to give the mandatory kiss on the cheek.

Teetering on the heel of her stiletto she accidentally swings into him and her lips land on his briefly. It's quick, surprising, hesitant but not unpleasant and she hasn't kissed him in weeks. Glancing around the abandoned waiting room she reaches up and tangles a few fingers in his dirty hair and deepens their embrace hungrily. She pulls back flushed and a little embarrassed but her rash decision, "I miss you Derek…wherever you are."

She sighs fighting off the tears that always try to creep in during the late hours and heads for the dark parking lot wondering how long it will be before she sees her husband again; how long it will be before they finally give up.

**_-----_**

She dips her toe into the hot bath to affirm that she won't boil her skin off by getting all the way in. She sips at the wine next to her and tries to enjoy the fine article on page 78 about babies but all her mind wants to do is replay the kiss she had a few hours ago. Undoing her tightly wound hair she feels the tips brush at her shoulders and remembers when Derek would share this very tub with her. When he would kiss and nip at her skin leaving little red marks visible the next day.

The times when he was just as hungry for her as she was for him. When he needed her as much as she needed him but it's dissipated. Somehow, somewhere in the mess of ninety hour weeks and missed dinners they lost the flame. She can't pick a year or a day out of the calendar, all she knows is that something is off but she'd rather not fight with the time that he will actually devote to her. So she willingly dismisses all of the incomplete meals and unfinished conversations in place of a few warm moments where they try to pretend they are happy.

It's easier to fake life and push through the canyon sized gap between them than to actually live it out.

**_-----_**

"Mom!" Addison shouts excitedly filing into the house following her many nieces and nephews. Being an only child she relishes in Derek's sense of family togetherness and chaos.

"Addison dear." She pulls her daughter in-law into a quick hug before pulling back and noting that her son isn't anywhere in the vicinity. "Where's Derek?"

"Work." She shrugs and then stumbles into the wall ungracefully as Adam and Cecilia bully their way into the living room intent on finishing their game of Risk.

"Guys, take it easy!" Nancy yells after them and then mouths and apology to Addison.

"Addison, I need to go check on dinner, make yourself at home." Lillian explains and then excuses herself.

"Ok." She's offer to help but she knows she's no help in the kitchen and lately things have been strained being here without Derek. There's an air of resentment taken out on her and while it's natural she'd really like for things to at least go back to how they were before when she could get lost in the family crowd of kids while Derek was complained at and made to do manual labor around the house.

She reaches the living room to find twelve of the fourteen spread out playing marathon board games and trying their best to stay entertained so grandma doesn't make them help take out the trash and clean the gutters. The missing two kids are set to arrive later in the evening with Janet. After two hours of staring into her cell phone and faking a smile when a child would flail around in a tormenting victory dance she finally heard a familiar voice filling the entry way.

The kids, having not seen their uncle for far longer than he cares to think, beat Addison to the door and swarm him shouting stories and explaining the afternoon's happenings. Jumping and screaming finished the girls drag him into the kitchen pulling at his clothes and ruffling his short wavy locks leaving Addison alone by the front door. She's not even sure that he saw her but is determined not to make Christmas Eve stressful for anyone.

Hours later, after far too much food, three crying incidents, two time outs, endless humiliating stories and one round of hot chocolate by the fireplace in the name of tradition Derek climbs into the small twin bed in the basement next to his shivering wife. He can't recall the last time they slept in the same room, let alone the same bed but as his calves catch her icy toes he stops wondering why. He rolls touching his back to hers and gives up fighting over the blankets when he moves to the floor a short fifteen minutes later. It's easier than slinking back up to the couch in the family room and explaining why he is away from his wife when the room floods with eager bouncing children.

"Derek?" She whispers into the frigid room.

"Yeah?" He tries calmly in the sake of the holiday.

"Why are you on the floor?" She asks sitting upright.

"I just thought I'd give you more room and more blankets to warm up." He shrugs in the dim light provided by the crack coming from the door at the top of the old creaky stairway.

Always the gentlemen she grimaces and then lays back down huffing only to be surprised a few minutes later with his warm chest pressed up against her back and his strong arms wrapping around her waist to keep her secure. He kisses her silk covered shoulder and finds the spot he hasn't nuzzled in months.

"Derek?"

"Add, I'm tired." He growls thinking that the conversation could have been over when he came back.

"Merry Christmas." She sighs defeated and knowing it is well past midnight.

"Oh. Merry Christmas, night." He whispers before slipping away.

**_-----_**

He took a cab up. It was probably stupid in hindsight because now he is stuck navigating his wife's small sedan through the hills on their way back to the real world. The real world that includes the fact that he didn't realize she bought a new car and is struck with the realization that she probably told him, probably researched it, probably showed him the research, asked him to come help, he declined citing work and now here he sits blissfully aware of the fact that they blew seventy or so more thousand dollars and he doesn't miss any of it. It's just money after all but he has no idea when this outlook on life took hold of him.

"Thank you for coming." She cordially tells him like he is a patient after about forty minutes of pure silence.

"I'm glad I was there."

"Me too." She grins and then turns back to the speeding scenery. She watches the very bottom of the window where the pavement intersects with the bushes and how they all turn into a haze of black and green motion lines. She's got nothing better to do.

"Addison?"

"Yeah?" She rips her eyes from the entrancing window and looks at him.

"Richard called me."

"Oh yeah? How is he, how is Adele?" They've only been gone for a few years but saying that she misses her mentor would be an understatement. He always had a way of keeping not only her but Derek grounded and she'd be lying if she said that without his guiding hand they were starting to crumble under the pressure. He used to remind them to take it slow, used to tell them to make time without meddling and making it seem personal. Just a father-esc nudge here and there to keep them on the straight and narrow.

"Good, good."

"That's nice to hear. Where are they again?"

"Seattle."

"Right. Doesn't it rain there a lot?" It goes unanswered and if she had to be honest probably unheard. The stillness prevails again and she goes back to the shrubbery dreading the moment when it will turn to all concrete and her husband will abandon here in the name of saving lives as they slowly lose their own.

"Addie?"

"Yeah Derek." She turns again but he doesn't lift his eyes from the road.

"I was thinking of going out there for awhile. I thought you should know. Just a few weeks to clear out my system, do some fishing, take on a few cases, kind of test the waters in case-"

"In case?" She questions feeling her stomach knot.

"In case…I move." Her mutters trying to think of a good way to say that he's thinking of leaving her after ten years of marriage.

"Don't you mean we? We move Derek?" She blurts out feeling nauseous and abandoned.

"I didn't think you'd want to leave New York." He replies, "I just need some time somewhere else, I feel like I'm suffocating here."

She knows the feeling, too well. Clenching her jaw she tries to weld her tear ducts closed. Feeling her heart thump away in her chest she takes deep breaths waiting for him to speak again because it can't be that simple. He can not be walking away from her.

"I wouldn't be moving now, I'd just go look and if I liked it then we could discuss it. I didn't want to get you all up in arms about it yet is all."

She's really grown tired of the "considerate" card in the last few years. She bites back the bile that tries to retch its way onto the floorboard and grins politely. "Let's go together."

"Together?" He chokes. This was his escape. His out for a few weeks to clear his head.

She doesn't answer immediately and he doesn't implore her to speak. The hum of the powerful engine and low classical music playing in the background fills their heads. "I want a divorce." She mutters out meekly. He will not be the one doing the walking. Even if it breaks her soul into a million shards of colored glass she wants to be the one with the power. She's the only one trying in this relationship anyway, she should be the one with the right to end it.

"What!"

"If you're going to run away like you always do…I'm not just going to sit in New York for three years and pray that my husband who doesn't see me as it is comes home and miraculously decides he loves me and wants to be with me." She chokes out willing the fluid to stay behind her blue orbs. It's time to come clean.

"I love you." He counters defensively. Immediately, it's so natural to say that he doesn't even entertain the possibility that it could not be true. He's no fool, he knows things aren't great between them anymore but that's the way marriage works and they're stable and seemingly happy enough. He never saw this coming.

"I love you too but I won't wait for you anymore. We haven't…we're not alright Derek."

"I know that."

"You don't get an easy out clause on this one. You don't get to go hide away until I forget and you don't get to come back into my world and disrupt it once I learn how to live without you." She never thought she'd be saying these things. She married for love; she married the person who told her that he would stick with her.

"We can't. I- we can't Addison." Catastrophe isn't in him. He doesn't do failures.

"It's not like I want this Derek! I didn't beg you to stop realizing I existed; I didn't tell you to pretend that I was fine without seeing you days at a time."

"I don't-"

"You do. All the time."

Letting the silence consume the humid dripping air he can smell his defeat. They're both tired, they're both lazy but he's not giving her that satisfaction. Perhaps Seattle can hold something better for both of them. Maybe all they need is a break. "Let's go together. It would be good, no? The fresh air, a new city, a new hospital, a clean slate Addison."

She doesn't want the new start. The fresh start comes with all of the old baggage. "We can't get a clean start with each other Derek."

"I know." He states calmly.

"I reserve the right to hate Seattle and bitch and complain until you decide that you should have just given me divorce papers."

He feels a smile tug at the corners of his mouth and hesitantly pulls the car to the side of the road. For the first time in years they are on the same page, working as a team to settle something and it feels good. It feels right. "I'm sorry for everything." He tells her drumming his hand on the leather steering wheel and hoping she'll understand.

"Me too." She's got some responsibility, maybe more than she'd like to admit but if a little humility is necessary to save her marriage then she's willing to give it up. He leans into her space and lightly presses a kiss to her red lips trying to set the record straight and their minds at ease.

"A do over in Seattle."

She crinkles her nose instinctively. "Do we have to bring Mark?"

He chuckles and lets his head fall against the seat, "He's like our child. Our fully grown, horrible decision making, pandemonium inducing kid. He has to come."

"Yeah our child who screws all of my nurses, friends and patients' relatives making my job and life a whole lot harder than it should be." She recites.

"Eh, what are kids for anyway?"

She smacks his chest before finding his fingers and touching the skin that she hasn't grazed in months. He rubs at the tingling spot before sighing. "I'm going to teach you how to fly fish."

"Not in this lifetime Derek Shepherd." She warns smiling widely. Maybe the rain can save them both.

"Seattle." He grins revving the engine and checking behind them.

"I hate it already."

**_-----_**

* * *


	2. We'll make you swallow your words

A/N: First off a big round of thanks to everyone who commented last time. This feels very weird to write because it is so A/U from what we know and it's nice to know that I'm doing it justice. Thank you to my kick ass beta, who makes me think things are worth sharing. And, uh...I think you'll kind of catch on to what I'm doing here...it's not really all that happy and I can't promise that it will end all fluffy but I can promise it will end. Next chapter. I'm all over this outline. Enjoy-**_  
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**_Don't scream, we'll make you swallow your words_**

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"So…" Derek leads, leaning into the counter with his hip, pen tapping against the edge of a chart. 

"So?" Mark asks impatiently. He can think of about nine hundred better things to be doing other than standing here in the middle of the hall having a non-conversation with his best friend who has oddly come to the realization that he exists in human form this last week. He pauses, tenses and Derek doesn't reply or stop the annoying clicking sound. "What is it? What are you freaking out about?"

The pen clatters to the floor. The ends bounce carelessly from side to side until it comes to a resting point after rolling slowly by Mark's feet. "I almost left Addison…I think."

"You think?" And really he's not surprised. Anxious to see what actually happened but not shocked at all given the last few years and events.

"Richard called." He stops, he can't believe he's saying it out loud. Can't believe he even thought it at this point. There was a brief flash in the car of utter despair and pitch black when she muttered out the word divorce. Granted his plan wasn't well thought out but actual divorce was not something that he considered, they weren't doing that bad were they?

"So I've heard man, pick it up. I have to meet Amy in a half an hour and Monica at ten and Amy tends to get a little jealous and monopolizes my time if you know what I'm saying."

Derek shakes his head in response and stares at his untied shoelace. "No."

"I'm saying that Monica can't catch me with Amy because that would effectively ruin both relationships-"

"Relationships!" Derek scoffs and then for the first time realizes that he doesn't have any basis with which to lecture, hell his wife just asked him for a fucking divorce. Now his mind is spinning. She seemed okay with the move, sounded like she was interested and then countered with almost completely cutting ties all together. How long has she been thinking that? How long has she been working herself up to saying that sentence?

He'll never know, he'll never ask. He doesn't have it in him to hear the answer.

"Relationships," he reiterates louder hoping to bring Derek back to earth, "because you were a jackass who couldn't use his words. So spit it out already." He rolls his eyes and clenches his jaw a little tighter when Derek hesitates like a school girl and the thought of punching him in the nose briefly flits through Mark's head.

"I said it. I almost left Addison."

"How do you almost leave someone? Did you forget to bring her home from Mom's or accidentally leave her on the subway somewhere? She's not a newspaper Derek." Not disposable to throw away at his discretion Mark finishes in his head.

"Richard called."

"And?" He asks growing irritated by the game of cat and mouse.

"And I told him I was thinking of moving and he offered me a job in Seattle, said that he's be honored to have me. So I figured I'd tell Addie in passing and head out there for a little while. We seem stable enough to be away from each other for awhile."

He wants to slap him, he wants to tell his friend that he is always away from his wife and he wants to tell Addison that he knows that Derek is an ass but genuinely doesn't mean any harm. He doesn't have to. She already knows. The problem is Derek doesn't. "Yeah." He mumbles looking at the cracked pen on the ground.

"So we were driving home from Christmas and I mentioned it and she said she wanted to go." He shrugs. He's not bringing up the divorce line. Mark doesn't need to be any more involved.

"Really?"

Derek reaches over slowly letting his back explode in a series of painful pops and picks up the now broken pen. He stuffs it in his pocket until he can remember to find a trashcan. It'll live in there for weeks. "Yeah she said we should go together."

"That's good- Wait, you aren't actually considering moving to Seattle are you?" He'd be childish if he admitted to anyone how big of a role Derek and Addison play in his life. It borders on pathetic.

"Well for a little while. You're coming right?"

"Hell no." Is the first thing he thinks to say but then stares back at Derek's confused face and it is apparent that he thought Mark would stick with the natural tempo of the world and follow the other part of the trio. "I could maybe…for a little while but Derek, it's Seattle. It rains…like everyday."

"There's fishing." Derek offers with a small grin. He's happy about the move, ultimately excited for something new because the repetition of New York was beginning to grate on his soul.

"We haven't fished in years."

He slaps Mark on the back with his free hand and the pen falls to its death again hitting the floor, the sounds mixed in with the chatter of bouncing nurses and worried doctors. "Never a better time than the present my friend."

Mark grimaces and bites back, "I hate when you get all optimistic like this." He takes a deep breath, "When do we leave?"

"Have to talk to the chief."

He lets out a small chuckle and wishes Derek luck, hoping to only leave a small pin prick in the wound that this will inevitably cause the hospital. He could always use a new town that isn't privy to his wild philandering ways. He shrugs it off and heads out to find a piece of paper to scribble the request for personal time off on.

**_-----_**

"I'm sorry Charles, I'm sure he'll be here soon." Addison apologizes again for the ninth time. Somehow they settled upon talking to him directly without actually having to speak to one another. As it stands she hasn't seen her husband since Tuesday morning. She settles herself into thinking that it's the price she has to pay and hopes that Seattle can be something better. It has to be something better.

"It's alright Addison, we can start without him."

"No. We should wait. I told him I'd wait." Actually she hadn't said that but it sounded good and there was no way she was going to break the news on her own. None of this was her idea anyway. And, just because as soon as she voiced the idea of a divorce out loud and subsequently realized that her heart couldn't stand the thought, didn't mean that she should have to forge the trail alone.

Derek stumbles into the room about ready to throw his pager at the wall ten minutes later. A very uncomfortable, awkward, quiet ten minutes. "Sorry." He mumbles.

"Not a problem Derek. Busy day."

"Yeah."

"So what is it that you two needed?"

Addison looks over at Derek and quirks her eyebrows. It's not her story to tell. "Well…we…um," he clears his throat nervously. This place has been their home for years. "We need a bit of a break."

Charles looks confused and for a moment Addison feels her stomach lurch for him. Derek always has some way of making you feel like you are constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. It always hits the ground when you least expect it. "I don't understand. You need a vacation?"

"We need…I need a break. I got an offer from Richard Webber out in Seattle."

Charles cuts in frightened and Addison smirks to herself. She already knows what he doesn't. Finally, for once she isn't the one in the darkened room without a clue. She'd advise him to think before speaking but you have to learn the hard way with her husband. "What did he offer you?"

"He didn't offer me anything other than a round of fly fishing. Charles, this isn't a professional thing. It's personal, I just need to get out of the city for awhile-"

"How long?" He asks bewildered and frazzled. He's been grooming Derek for his position, waiting patiently and watching him grow through the years. Derek doesn't know but he doesn't have to. Charles, himself isn't even sure when he'll retire but now he sits watching his back up plan trying to swim his way into Seattle. "What about you? I assume you're just going to pack up shop and follow him?"

"I-I…" And she doesn't have a good way to explain her loyalty. By all accounts it doesn't make sense. "I'm going…with." She finally stammers out frustrated from being put on the spot.

"So that's it? I lose two of my best, two of my favorite attendings because Richard needs a fishing buddy?"

"No." Derek rebuts as his boss fiddles around looking for papers.

"Well what is it then?"

"Three of us. Dr. Sloan is coming too…for a little while." And it almost feels good to say out loud. To be the person screwing some one over for once, instead of being the person getting screwed over by having surgeries twenty some odd hours a day.

He thrusts the papers forward letting them fall to a rest in Derek's lap and crosses his arms over his chest. "You know I used to think it was cute that you guys were like The Three Musketeers of the place…but now I just regret hiring all of you."

Addison swallows hard looking at the papers. She hadn't expected it to go particularly well, Charles has always had sort of a short fuse but he often doted on her and she can only recall one other time when she was on the receiving end of one of his tornados.

"Honey, do you have a pen? Mine's broken." Derek shakes the pen from his pocket so that all of the occupants can hear the light rattling of plastic pieces.

**_-----_**

"Jesus Addison, did you leave anything for the movers?" Mark calls out heaving another suitcase into their second cab. Ignoring him she rolls her eyes and hops into the back of the empty car waiting for Derek. She can't look at the packed up brownstone for another second. It hurts too much. He tried to argue with her about putting it up for sale but she said not yet and he dropped it. The fighting never seems to be worth it anymore.

Finally they find their seats aboard a flight number she'll never be able to forget to Seattle. Mark sits in the row in front of them next to an empty seat he bought so there would purposely be no one to annoy him. He flips around and hands Addison his barf bag. "Think you might be needing this?"

"No." She scoffs and then grabs it anyway just in case. Sometimes flying works out for her and other times not so much. She can never find the balance.

Whipping out his crossword book Derek turns to Addison. "Pen?"

"You still don't have one?"

He pulls the broken black pen from his jacket pocket and shrugs. Digging through her carry on she hands him yet another pen that she will never see again. "Here."

Still sitting backwards Mark grins gleefully. "So what's in Seattle anyway?"

"Rain." Addison quips unable to bite her tongue. Life would be a whole lot easier if she could stop bashing the decision and come to terms with the fact that she will probably never be seeing New York again.

"A change." Derek smiles proudly and begins to work on the architectural themed crossword. It never ceases to amaze Addison his capacity for useless information and yet he can't remember to call her and let her know that he won't be home at any decent hour. Maybe the forgetfulness is a choice when it comes to her. She'd rather not think about it.

They manage their during the flight with minimal turbulence and no episodes to Addison's name much to her pleasure and Mark's discomfort. He busies himself embarrassing the rest of the group by hitting on every female flight attendant they send out and at one point thought about going up and greeting what he thought was for sure a woman pilot. Addison, on the other hand, sits quietly watching the clouds pass by from her spot behind the thin window. After four hours she stretches her legs and notices that Derek is sleeping right through all of the sounds around him and the beverage cart that whacks his knee every time it rambles down the aisle. He hasn't said a word since citing the change and no one is expecting anything different.

She presses her eyes closed and tries see the light; all she gets is visions of black rain deafening thunder.

**_-----_**

"Derek! You made it out." Richard greets warmly and then looks to Addison, "And you brought visitors. Hello Addie." He pulls her in for a tight hug and kisses her cheek while Derek explains the purpose and nature of the visit ever so calmly.

"Who's this?" Richard asks pointing to Mark's back while he is busy chatting with some nurse.

"Oh, that's Mark. You remember Mark right?" Doesn't everyone know who he is by now? Derek's unsure how anyone couldn't.

"No, I don't believe we've had the pleasure of working together."

Mark spins around alarmed by sensation when Addison taps his shoulder politely in an effort of steering his attention to the appropriate spot. "Oh, right. Richard."

"Dr. Webber or Chief Webber will do." He corrects with a clenched jaw. He has a feeling, just a small one that something isn't right. That the reasons for the infiltration are hardly truthful.

"Ok then." Mark smiles and produces his hand as Derek fiddles with his phone, per the standard routine of looking busy and important.

"I've heard of your work Dr. Sloan."

"Yeah? Well you know…oof! Addison!" He pouts after being met with a sharp searing pain in his left foot caused by her three inch heel.

"So what are you all doing here? I was expecting Derek but-." His eyes watch as Addison fidgets with her wedding ring unresponsive and as Mark's attention turns back to the blonde nursing student. "Shep?"

"Oh, yeah sorry Richard. I was just catching up on some stuff." He stuffs his phone back into the black wool coat and tries to focus his bloodshot eyes.

"Wait he gets to call you Richard?" Mark asks flipping back around to the conversation.

"I've known him for years. Excuse us Dr. Sloan." He reaches around Derek's back to lead him down the corridor and again Addison is left standing in the open hallway with only a guess as to how long he will be gone and if he will actually come back. No goodbyes, no waves, no promises of return and Seattle with all of its rain is starting to feel an awful lot like New York.

Trying to make the best of an awkward situation she blazes past Mark to find the coffee cart they passed on the way up. Caffeine makes everything more pleasant, right? She'll take whatever escape route she can get. Anything is better than sticking out like a red balloon in a wheat field.

"Addison! Wait up." Mark calls pacing himself to catch her fevered rate.

But she doesn't. She can't, because if she did and if he gave her that apologetic, I'm sorry Derek still sucks look just one more time she may lose her resolve, and this is their one shot to start over. A do over as he said, in a town where the navy blue scrubs don't know that her marriage is hanging on by a thread and the steady hands holding dangerously sharp scalpels don't understand that she isn't nearly as ferocious as her all black outfit would imply.

To her disappointment he manages to squeeze into the closing metal doors and droops against the back wall trying to catch his breath. "You run in those things too?" He asks pointing to her shoes. She stays silent because he already knows the answer, he knows all the answers.

He knows every single thing that she is trying to forget and has been privy to witnessing the cutting pain that is her husband forgetting she exists on more than one occasion.

She'd be lying if she said she didn't hate him a little for it.

There's a boundary line with Mark and he's dirty and inappropriate 98 of the time but the it's the other 2 that scares her. The observant, caring 2 that leads her to believe that he is interested in more than his usual, I care about you because I care about Derek kind of a way. Because if the truth had to be told he doesn't much care for Derek anymore, or his reckless disregard for any human who isn't on his table, but it's funny the things you cling to when there are no other ropes and nothing but a pool of stagnant water ten feet below. "Addison?"

She stares past him. They're alone and there's no need to rush things to make them look good. She's not uncomfortable with eye contact. She's not a bad conversationalist. It's the look he has on, it's the way he always looks at her now when they're alone that just makes her want to scream and throw things until they shatter; just so something will break, so that anything will happen in her world that hurts something other than her for once. "Yeah?"

He wants to ask about the divorce, but he won't. She doesn't know he knows. Or she expects that Derek shared. It doesn't matter either way. "How much you wanna bet I can get three dates in one visit here?" And it's gone. Switched off as fast as it ever flickered on. He's back to bragging and strutting and she laughs a little because that's what she's supposed to do and then walks sturdily away as soon as the doors open again.

**_-----_**

She feels a warm hand wrap around her back and the smell of his cologne invades her nostrils. "There you are. I thought I lost you." Derek grins as she fiddles with the paper cup.

"Coffee." She motions and lifts the beverage as an offering which he declines.

"So Richard needs us to go fill out some paperwork…and where's Mark? You misplace him?" He turns from side to side looking for affected hospital personnel that might give clues as to where his best friend wandered off to.

"He's not mine to keep tabs on." She reminds him with a smile and then lets the smallest bit of happiness attack her brain when he escorts her onto the elevator and people watch with wide jealous eyes. They don't know about anything. All they see is a seemingly happy couple and for the sake of her sanity she is willing to play along.

The numbers illuminate as the frightened eyes of what she is assuming are nurses stare them down. "Hi, I'm Addison Shepherd." She grins widely as Derek laces his fingers through hers and they introduce themselves to the rest of the members on the world's slowest moving elevator. After a good round of greetings and pleasantries they excuse themselves on the right floor and hustle down the hallway to sign away their lives.

Again.

Sitting inside Richard's office she waits patiently, quietly. He finally steps in and saves them from having to have a conversation with one another about God knows what.  
"So Addison, Derek tells me you are also interested in staying here now…too?"

At first it doesn't register with her. Sure the wording is a little odd but that's Richard…and then she gets it. The light bulb quivers to life and hamster jumps back on the wheel.

He's been planning this for quite sometime. It's like a direct hit to the stomach. Sure, she knew he had gotten a call from Richard a few weeks ago but never something of this magnitude.

And she's curious, and it may drive her insane. But she's not going to ask him. She doesn't have it in her to hear the answer.

"Yeah. We're both looking for something. So what do you say Richard? You miss me yet?" She flashes the teeth and bats her eyelashes lightly just for effect.

"I'd be honored to have your skill in this hospital. Have you seen our facilities? We just finished up that wing and I have an attending on maternity leave right now-"

"I'll take it." She says self assured as Derek muses over one of the tribal wall hangings.

"That's my star. It's good to have you both. So the obligatory paperwork and uh, how did Charles take it?" He asks digging through the filing cabinet for some temporary contracts until something formal can be typed up.

"He's alright. So fly fishing Richard? I believe you promised me a few rounds before I started and I don't see a rod in my hand yet."

"Patience. I fully intend to show you the ropes yet again. Where's Dr. Sloan?"

'Causing the earth to melt into a chaotic puddle.' is Addison's initial response but she bites her tongue and stares at the blank lines with X's next to them. Only one short week ago she was about to sign her name to a very different X. It's funny how life changes.

"Around somewhere. He's only out for a few weeks but I bet he would love to get some cases in if he could, as a favor to your new favorite neuro attending?"

"First off, we all know Addison is my favorite." And with that she turns with a smug smile and regards her husband's emotionless face. "And second of all, I've heard of Sloan and well from a business stand point we'd be lucky to have him."

"I'll send him up." Derek asserts and begins flipping through his pockets for the pen he had on the plane. He sighs tiredly when he feels the hole in the inside jacket pocket and turns sheepishly to his wife. "Addie?"

She tosses it into his hand without letting him finish the sentence and watches as his fingers fumble for it and it falls to the carpeted floor. "Nice catch." She retorts handing her paperwork back over and finally beginning to feel the eager tug at her adrenaline center. It's finally real. Something new and she'd be lying if she said she wasn't at least a little excited.

Bending down in his chair he grasps the ballpoint pen with his thumb and forefinger rolling it slowly into his palm. His mind flashes to the divorce papers as he signs his name and he is wondering if Addison thought the same thing. He stuffs the writing utensil in his pants pocket and slowly hands over the staple bound contract hoping that this will help things. Losing his wife isn't an option; he just didn't know that until now.

"So we are having a small get together later this week to welcome all of the new interns and as staff I'm counting on you two to be there and to be setting one hell of an example. I have a feeling about this year's group." He winks and takes both stacks into his hands feeling sadly ominous about the lack of fire in their eyes. He figures he'll aim for Derek first. "So fishing tomorrow morning Shep. 5 am. I'll pick you up, where are you staying?"

He looks to Addison because he didn't make any of the travel arrangements. He was busy with surgeries and paperwork and she is a little finicky about accommodations so it was better left up to her anyway. "Addison?"

"The Archfield. It's on-"

"Oh, I know where it is." He remarks quickly. "So why don't I show you two around?"

"Sounds good." Addison replies and stands folding her hands in front of her professionally. It's time to turn on the work side of her personality, which suits her just fine; it's the only side she still understands anyway.  
**_  
_**

**_-----_**

Richard lazily casts again and wades a little deeper into the murky stream. "So Derek, why are you really here?"

"Why are you talking Richard? You're going to scare away all of the fish." He resets his fly and crinkles his brow in concentration. It's been years since he has done this but knows enough to know it includes silence and a lot of thought.

"I've never caught a fish here before." He admits looking to the tall trees that line the other side of the heavily wooded bank.

"Then why are we here?"

"Derek, what is going on?" He asks sternly.

"Nothing." He demands, willing himself to believe that things are going well.

"Uh-huh."

"Richard, we-"

"Don't do this Derek. Not with me. I know you both and maybe you're fooling everyone else around the new town but not me- so cut the crap." He pulls back and reels in some gross river seaweed.

"She asked for a divorce." Normally he wouldn't share. Normally he'd take that to the grave, well except the whole Mark thing and now he is silently thanking God that Mark likes to sleep in and not fish if it isn't past noon.

"And?"

"What do you mean and?" Derek asks annoyed.

Pulling the plants from his line he reaches into his fishing vest pocket while balancing the pole between his legs. Drawing out the clear waterproof case he selects a small bumblebee fly and attaches it before starting the casting process again. "That's why you're here both looking miserable as ever? Because she asked for a divorce and somehow that lands all of you here when I was expecting only you? I don't like games Derek, you know that."

He takes a deep breath and tries to remember the exact chain of events. "I was just going to come out for awhile, I didn't think Addie would want to leave New York cause well she's her and then- I told her and she asked for a divorce after I said I wasn't expecting her to come out. She then agreed to us both being here. We're getting a clean start. End of story.

"So you're running away?"

"No." He scoffs.

"Derek if you think that coming to a new city will solve all of your marriage issues then you are dead wrong. That's avoiding them, don't place that hope in her unless you are willing to try."

He turns to his mentor, his friend, his father figure and guiding light in the mess of blinding blood. "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that sometimes things are over and moving won't fix that. I'm saying that Addie clearly understands what kind of a place your marriage is in and you don't appreciate that- I'm saying you need to fix what's broken or you'll regret not signing those papers for the rest of your life…" he pauses and shifts his weight, "…trust me, I would know."  
**_  
_**

**_-----_**

Taking Richard's advice Derek steps out of the hotel bathroom the next day fully dressed in his tux and fiddling with his tie. "Add?" He shrugs when she turns around with one heel on.

She adjusts his garment as an after thought, as routine, not as a loving gesture and immediately turns away to ensure that her hair won't flop in the torrential downpour taking place outside their very room. He watches as the emerald colored silk swishes around her hips when she moves and licks his lips when he sees how the open back dips down the curve of her back.

Normally he wouldn't hesitate to mess up her hair and take her right then and there but she looks a little annoyed that they are running late so he settles for sitting on the edge of the bed and watching her apply a final coat of mascara as he ties his shoelaces. He stands before her a few seconds later and holds out his arms to the side. "How do I look?"

"Does your ego really need a boost?" She replies eagerly slipping the diamond studs (that lay next to a myriad of pens on the bedside table) through her ears and adjusting the clasp on her necklace.

"Probably not." He grumbles and reaches around the back of the small chair for his coat. "Ready?"

"Just about. Can you believe Richard is doing this for his new interns? When we were interns they just threw us in the pit and let us run wild until someone came and claimed us."

He chuckles at the memory of her face literally pale with worry and anxiety. "I say it was more fun our way. Separated the weak from the strong."

"Yeah." She nods. "Plus they only have to work like 80 hours a week, which would have been a vacation for us."

"Hey Addison?" He asks with a smile.

Turning she finds him staring oddly at her and lifts the floor length gown to make sure she has matching shoes on. True. "What?"

"You look beautiful. You really…the rain is doing you good." He moves in and lightly presses a kiss to her full lips. It's brief and hurried by their impending departure but as they dash into the elevator she slips her arm through his it almost feels like all those years ago back in New York.

After literally dragging Derek onto the dance floor and letting him hold her closer than he ever would have before she finds herself stirring the punch bowl and watching the room. She hasn't seen Mark yet and knowing him, he and his date probably got detoured to an on call room. Twice.

He slips his hand onto her hot skin and brushes the edges of the green fabric. "Hey."

"Oh, hey you found your way back out of that."

"Yeah, well…" His gaze falls back to the group of attendings he was chatting with, "Most of them aren't too bad. Find anything good?" He whispers low in her ear.

"Maybe some interesting interns. They always look so fresh faced and promising in the beginning." She shrugs.

"They don't know what we do." He confirms.

"No they don't." She grimaces at his word choice and then turns in his arms and cocks her head to the side pleading to be taken for one more spin on the dance floor.

"I don't dance." He whines.

"It's Seattle. Maybe you dance in Seattle." Maybe our marriage isn't a sham in Seattle she finishes internally noting that he has been awful attentive since fishing with Richard yesterday morning.

She'd ask but it's not worth knowing whether or not his actions or genuine or coerced. She doesn't have it in her to hear the real answer.

"Maybe I do." He twirls her out of his arms and brings her back in closely letting their cheeks rest against one another. "Thank you for coming Add."

"I have to be here." She reminds him.

"You know what I meant."

**_-----_**

Hours later after three more cups of spiked punch and an almost adventurous round of making out in the elevator Derek finally gets to strip his wife naked of that gown that has been leaving little to the imagination, driving him insane all night and has been making him want to punch the other men square in the nose when he saw them ogling his wife. Apparently he needs to make a PSA or a PDA to let everyone know they are together. He adds it to the list of things to do later and watches as she dances out of her dress. He grins when he sees the ivory colored lingerie and she rolls her eyes impatiently waiting for him to do something about it. He nearly trips over his feet jumping out of his pants and playfully pushes her back onto the mattress.

Devoid of everything, except the tie that she requested stay on for some reason or another, he climbs atop of her and begins to kiss a path down her stomach, down to her deliciously long legs and back up. He slowly swirls his tongue around her navel and she tugs at his hair urging him back up to her swollen lips. Their mouths crash together and he tastes of vodka and old fruit punch. She forces her tongue into past his hot lips and teases him as her hand slips dangerously lower and wraps around his firm erection. The foreplay will have to be saved for another date because this hasn't happened in too many days to add together and right now she doesn't care if he has a silver checked tie on or not.

She pants for breath when their kiss finally breaks and arches her back into him with her heel clad feet wrapped around his waist urging him to slip inside. After seconds that feel like an eternity he finally laments and glides in effortlessly. He groans and she moans. He whispers things and she gasps when he quickens their pace. He calls out her name when he gets treacherously close and she clenches as hard as she can around him and throws in a scream when the final waves of his orgasm pulse inside her.

He rolls off of her expertly and tugs at her hips when she scoots away hastily. Giving in to every needy voice in her head she lets him hold her tightly and watches the rain out the window. It drains from the sky, streaking the glass with its anger. She feels him lightly kiss the back of her neck and nuzzle his head into the pillow a few inches from her ear.

"I love you." He murmurs quietly as they listen to the thunder pound the clouds.

"I love you too Derek." She just didn't realize that their love could ever hurt her this much.

He grins into her shoulder a few minutes later when the dazzling lightening flashes through the pitch black night. "See, Seattle isn't so bad Addie."

The tiny bursts of pain ignite in her core and fizzle through her limbs. She doesn't have the nerve to announce that that was the nine hundredth orgasm she just had to fake and is now more frustrated than she was before so she hums a low nonverbal response. She doesn't have the heart to tell him that it's all exactly the same because he thinks they're going to be alright so all she can feel is grateful and relieved that for once it's not her making these assumptions.

The aching empty void between them fills with all the questions unheard and answers unspoken. Seattle feels just like New York. But neither one of them will ever say it out loud.

Instead they grasp each other tightly through the sleepless night and naively hold out for hope in the heavy droplets that drench the city.

**_-----_**

* * *


	3. All this that is ceases to be

A/N: So the end. It's been a short but fun ride with this one. I hope you all liked the random direction I took and I look forward to what everyone has to say. Thanks for the continued support and thanks to the wonderful betaness of **escapismrocks**. Have at it-**_  
_**

**_ -----_**

**_ All this that is ceases to be_**

**_ -----_**

The light brushes through the light caramel colored drapes and floods the room with its annoying presence. She can feel Derek's arm still grasping at her bare hip unremittingly and hears his light breathing behind her. She counts the seconds down waiting. His fingers burn holes into her skin with their pressure and she wants to peel away every inch that he has touched under the pretense of a love once so divine she thought it was a dream. It's still there somewhere. She squints her eyes against the sun and tries to remove herself from the bed without awakening the other occupant. Slowly by sturdily she tiptoes out of his reach and into the bathroom.

She turns on the silver handle letting the water rush through the strong sink basin. It's too early to be thinking anything, to early to be moving and yet here she is. Here she is questioning the entirety of her own marriage. Surely there must be a problem but every time she allows this fine film of doubt to cover her skin she always comes up with nothing. He's Derek and that's all she's got. He's mildly attentive, great at his job, a wonderful provider and just short of being everything she once wanted for her life.

Reaching for the firm bristles of her aqua colored toothbrush she takes a long look in the mirror. Maybe it's not him. Maybe she's the problem. She doesn't notice how vigorously she's brushing until she spits and sees the white sink stained with red. She washes out the blood and watches it drift down the drain. Popping her head out of the jarred door she takes a long look at her sleeping husband. His hair matted, ruffled and puffy. His arm looped over the spot where her body should be. His legs tangled in the comforter. His head half on the pillow, half resting on the mattress and she just doesn't get it.

Something is wrong; missing. Maybe it's her. She makes a mental note to try a little harder and lightly shuts the door before jumping into the shower.

**_-----_**

"Evening Dr. Shepherd." Addison calls out setting down the steaming cup of coffee in front of him.

"Hey." He smiles wearily, clicking the end of blue pen with his thumb. "Long day." He mutters scratching something down on the chart and throwing it in with the rest.

"I saw." She responds holding out his coat that she took the liberty of stealing from his locker a few minutes earlier.

"You saw?" He turns back around sticking an arm through the wool.

"I saw you're last surgery, sorry it didn't go like you planned." She grins and shrugs. He lost two patients that day and though it's not odd for him to lose anyone it was the first occurrence in their two week stint in Seattle. Can't save them all, but she doesn't need to tell him that.

"I didn't see you." He takes a long draw of the near mud concoction in the paper cup, definitely her recipe.

Biting back all sarcastic remarks for the sake of being considerate she replies, "Well the gallery was pretty full. I don't blame you."

He should know that she always watches when she can but he honestly didn't see her, then again he doesn't remember looking up at any point during the intense four hour procedure either. "Let's get the hell out of here and get some dinner."

"Sounds good." She slips her arm through his and they head out the door providing silent support for one another, he just doesn't know that she lost two moms and a premature baby boy. He won't ask about her day either.

The rain skips along with her heels and splashes onto the back of her nylon clad calves. He politely opens her door and takes her bag tossing it into the trunk on his way around the car. "So where to?" He asks finally seated inside.

"I don't know. What are you in the mood for?"

"I was thinking-"

"No, I don't feel like anything spicy." She counters knowing full well he is going to suggest the Indian place downtown that they frequent.

"Ok." He wrinkles his nose, "Hey Addie?"

"Hmm…" She purses her mouth pensively trying to anticipate his next guess.

"Thank you for watching me in there today." His eyes twinkle with sincerity and for half a second her heart skips a beat. He comes in little flashes these days. The sparkling residue of days long gone.

Catching herself she answers, "I always do when I can."

"I know." He mutters unable to voice how much it really means to him. Surely she understands. "So…you want to stay in or go out?"

"I kind of want to stay in." She asserts dropping her hand over his and lightly tracing the tired skin as he negotiates the stick into reverse.

"Good call. Movies, pizza, beer?"

"Sounds like my kind of night." She giggles.

"Well you are classy like that." He replies earning himself a quick jab to the side before she folds her hands in her lap and stares out the window silently. He wants to ask if anything is going on, how she feels about the whole move but she stopped bitching as soon as they moved out of the hotel and into their temporary apartment so it's better to not bring it up. He wants to joke with her about the rain but knows it's a sore spot so he turns up the radio and drums his fingers on the steering wheel as they head home.

Nearly two hours later, snuggled under a plaid blanket, and watching Casablanca for the hundredth time thanks to Addison, he strokes her hip. "You asleep?"

"No." She mumbles into his chest.

"Uh-huh. So how many fingers am I holding up then?"

"I'm not a patient Derek." She counters opening her eyes and watching the flickering film again. It was an uneventful night, just like any other in their new place. Minimal furniture and no personal touches leave it feeling like a tomb and not like a home. Add that to the nearly constant state of freezing air trickling in under all of the windows and she would almost rather be back at the hotel. She takes a deep breath and reminds herself that it will only be a few more weeks until their house is finished. She picked the style, he picked the property and it was a compromise of unsatisfying proportions that neither is talking about anymore. It's easier to spend the little time they have with each other not fighting.

"I know. Hey, I kind of wanted to talk to you." About what he doesn't know but the silence is starting to suffocate him again and he figures it's better than nothing.

Her ears perk up and her chest thumps harder against her ribcage while she tries not to get excited. "Yeah?"

"Well, I was thinking that we need to get some stuff for the house because we have…well almost nothing and anyway, I was hoping that maybe we could go together."

"You want to go furniture shopping with me?" She quirks her eyebrows and straightens up looking at him.

"Well not when you make it sound like you're going to torture me. I just thought it would be a fun thing for us to do…together." He draws out the last word hoping she'll take the bait.

"Together…yeah, that sounds nice…I guess. But you are still doing all the heavy lifting with Mark. Don't think you are getting out of that." She warns.

"I wouldn't dream of it…besides he has to earn his keep if he wants to keep staying in our spare room and bringing home all those stupid nurses."

"I think the one from this morning was actually a receptionist." She mocks remembering stumbling into the leggy blonde on her way to get coffee.

"Oh, he's hit an all time low." Derek smiles and reaches a hand out to brush her smooth thigh.

"Eh, she was cute. I don't think he cares much how smart they are as long as they leave before he wakes up and he doesn't have to call them again in any sort of timely manner."

"Not as cute as you." He deadpans and steals a kiss before she has any idea what is going on. She shakes her head trying to figure out what he is doing but before she can say anything he is pressing her body into the couch and lazily licking and nipping at her ear.

"Ohh…Derek."

"Hmm?" He responds letting the low guttural sounds reverberate off her neck.

She feels the goose bumps rise to their surface when he breaths hot air onto her flushed skin and she gives in for a minute before reminding him that if he wants to continue than he better move this show to the bedroom before Mark walks in with the flavor of the night. "Derek…we need…bedroom…now." She gasps when he slides a hand under the back of her shirt and wastes no time pulling it overhead.

"He won't be back for a while." He whispers and wiggles a hand into her pajama pants while she tries to squirm away. As soon as his fingers hit her most sensitive spot she stops and moans. Slowly he tugs away his own boxers, she snakes free of her pants and he enters her. Setting a cruel pace he thrusts deeply. He takes his time and lets his other hand drift to her clit proceeding to rub long languid circles while she lets her eyes fall closed and gives into every sensation that is burning through her.

He latches his lips onto her neck again feeling her begin to tighten around him and carefully bites the soft skin behind her ear before removing his other hand and moving up to her hard nipples. With one brush of his thumb she comes groaning incoherent words and wrapping her legs around his back tightly so that she can feel every inch. He finishes seconds later saying her name over and over and when they come to, side by side, the plaid blanket now covering naked bodies he whispers into her ear, "I knew you hadn't forgotten what to do with a real orgasm."

Her breath hitches in her throat and she feels the bile rising quickly to replace it. "I-I always-"

He kisses her cheek and pulls her against him a little tighter. "I know and I'm sorry." It's time to start fixing things in Seattle and he figures first up on that list should be his sex life…or rather her sex life.

And that's the only explanation she'll ever get because they are never talking about this again, it's far too embarrassing. She nods and blows out the puff of air that was stuck. Instead of feeling like the ton of bricks on her back has been removed by his acknowledgment and subsequent problem solving she feels inanely guilty for never saying anything.

He's her husband and she has no idea how to talk to him anymore.

**_-----_**

So they're replacing the void. That canyon, the one with the unused words and unanswered questions. The one that they don't dip into because the real truths hurt just too much to hear. Filled right up to the brim with delicious mind blowing sex, not that they're complaining…to each other anyway. Mark's complaining enough for everyone as it is.

"I'm just saying you don't hear my headboard up against the side of wall at four a.m., do you?"

"No." Addison blushes and hurries down the hall wearing just Derek's button up shirt from the night before and feeling every part of her legs ache as she makes an effort to get away quickly.

"Listen man this is worse than med school. You want me to stay somewhere else, say the word and I'm out. I don't need bad visions of you two doing whatever the hell it is that you're doing while I try to sleep. Alexis left last night because it got weird." He tips the last of the coffee into his stark white mug and looks to his frazzled best friend. "I'm glad that you and Addie are…you know. Way to get some but I just need to sleep. So let me know."

"It's not right." Derek mutters out. He drops his spoon in the sink and lets the rest of his cereal drain into the garbage disposal.

"I do not want to hear it." Mark warns holding up a hand.

"It's just all we do is have sex now-"

"I said I don't want to hear it!" He shouts turning away and trying not to think about his best friend's wife naked…doing things. He should not think of her like that, especially not now that things are seemingly okay between them. Seemingly, because he's not fooled by the false light in her eyes and the half-hearted smile on Derek's face. He kind of wants to slap both of them until they see what a good thing they have going in one another but he wouldn't dare. That's not his place. He's just along to watch to ride, whether it jumps the tracks and crashes in a fiery death or safely makes it around all the twisting loops and stomach turning spirals is not his call.

"Can you stop being a little bitch for one second and listen to me? I have a problem and you're my go to guy, though God only knows why." Derek slouches into the wooden kitchen chair and begins fidgeting through the paper so as to look busy when Addison comes back out.

"I'm your only guy friend and fine." Mark grumbles and takes the spot across from him snatching the sports section as he begins to open it. "But I'm taking this…"

"Ok, all we do is have sex. Good sex, really good, hell great sex most nights and I-"

"And you are complaining because your hot wife wants to screw your brains out. What is wrong with you Derek?"

"It's not about the sex."

"Then why are we talking about it!" Mark groans and turns the page catching up on tennis scores that he doesn't even understand.

"We don't…you know talk anymore."

"You guys talk all the fucking time. I see it with my own eyes. You should accept the fact that maybe things are better here now. Accept that you're both happy and I know it's been a while or whatever but don't be a pussy on this one."

Ignoring the non-logic Derek flits over the headlines. There is no way he is going to be able to convey that every time he is on top of, or under, or next to Addison it doesn't feel like it's his wife. It feels frantic, like they need it to keep on breathing, like it is keeping them afloat in the stormy rain. He sighs and decides to try harder. Maybe it's only him that feels this way because she's been awful enthusiastic lately.

Maybe it's just him.

**_-----_**

"Nope, one more inch to the right." She mocks with a smile as Mark drops the couch in their new living room causing Derek to lose the heavy load and crush his thumb under the weight into the wood floor.

"Fuck!" He calls waiting for Mark to lift it off his hand. "Damn it Mark. Give fair warning next time or something!" He face red with anger Derek paces the room ignoring Addison when she tries to inspect the injury.

"You didn't give fair fucking warning when we were bringing up the bed frame and you slammed me into the wall." Mark retorts nudging the couch back into place with his hip.

"That was an accident." Derek grumbles as Addison finally gets a hold of the wound to make sure nothing it broken.

"It's fine, you big baby." Mark calls from the other side of the room enjoying the feel of the new high backed suede couch.

"Did you have to pick the heaviest couch in the history of the world?" He spits at her as she wiggles his thumb around.

"It matched the rest of the room, it's not like I asked how much it weighed and decided to go about it that way." Addison snaps immediately feeling all of the pent up aggression bubble forth. Years of not responding, weeks of pretending to be okay, a month of saying Seattle is fixing things and all she wants to do is punch her fist through a wall and leave it at that.

"Sorry." He mutters heading to the kitchen hoping that the newly turned on refrigerator will spit out some ice into the semi-clean dish towel that is laying in the sink.

She wants to have it out with him. She wants to scream and shout and break plates while throwing them at new flooring; watching the shards scratch the shiny surface, implanting imperfections. She wants to yell until her voice goes hoarse and sob until she can't breath and just get it all out in the open. Her psyche needs some relief but instead she pushes it aside with clenched fists and a reply of, "Me too." She joins Mark on the couch ignoring his obvious stare until she hears a pager in the back of the house. "I got it!" She calls and races away to safety.

Moments later she returns holding up a black pager and proclaiming, "Derek, it's yours. Chief."

"Great." He gripes reemerging. He pulls his cell phone out of his pocket and walks away dialing. She busies herself unpacking the plates she wants to kill with and takes four cleansing breaths like her childhood therapist taught her to. Four breaths, close your eyes, envision your happy place, just four breaths Addison. Her lashes bounce open to see Derek standing in front of her.

He kisses the side of her mouth and explains, "I need to go in for a little while. You be okay with the career destroyer in there?"

"Yeah, we'll be fine. Are you going to be home in time for dinner?" The worry shines through her make-up free face and he grins.

"I'll do my best."

She hears the red front door click shut before she mutters, "Yeah, just like you always do."

"Passive aggressively talking to yourself again?" Mark questions with his infamous smirk.

"Shut up." She retorts.

"So what do you want to do for dinner?" He saunters to the counter and hops up letting his bare feet dangle in the warm filtered air.

"We should wait." She bends over removing the next plate and carefully unwraps it from its safe keeping. Placing it in the dishwasher she reaches for the next one and continues her monotonous cycle.

"No, we both know he won't be back anytime soon and I'm already hungry plus I did all the heavy lifting today while your whining little husband stood there and directed, so you owe me dinner. Now, what sounds good to you?"

"Nothing." Is the immediate response but he pokes her in the side with his foot and she jumps when he touches her.

"Whoa there lil' fella. We've got a live one!" Mark teases.

"Can't you just go away? Go find what's her face again or something?"

"I don't know a 'whatsherface', sorry…you're stuck with me tonight."

She drops the last plate into the dishwasher and slams the door shut. "I just want to be alone right now. Do whatever you want for dinner, just leave me out of it." Normally that would be a bit harsh on her part but after a full day of his relentless joking and her husband's disappearance all she wants is a nice hot bath.

**_-----_**

An hour later with a towel wrapped around her head she steps back into the living room where Mark is toying with setting up the new TV. "Sorry about earlier." She whispers.

"That's alright. I took the liberty of going out and grabbing some alcohol and Chinese food…neither of which are probably going to taste any good but I figured we had better start locally within the neighborhood and figure out what we're working with before going all the way to the other side of town for the good stuff."

"Yeah." She lifts the edge of the multi-colored rug with her toe and creases the new fabric nervously.

He looks up from the pile of cords in his lap. "Is there something else you needed to say?"

She decides not to start in on him about the relationship status of his best friend and turns away toward the kitchen only to return with his badly picked wine and three cartons of food, one set of chopsticks and a fork. She drops the silverware into lap before handing him the container of kung pao chicken. Keeping the mild dish in her hand she breaks apart the sticks and delicately grips them before dipping into the rice.

"I could never understand why anyone would want to eat with those." He laughs and finally digs his fork eagerly into his dinner. With his mouth full he murmurs, "This is awful."

"I know." She replies and then after a breath they both spit out, "Med school." She giggles a little and stretches out her freshly washed legs onto the cool wood. "Thanks for getting dinner, I think technically it was supposed to be me-"

"You can get it next time." He returns setting down the carton and taking a long look at the red headed woman in a white fluffy robe next to him. He has no idea what keeps her with Derek but as long as he makes her happy and vice versa he wont have to knock any heads around. "He'll be back soon." He says quietly to his fork.

"No he won't." She shakes her head and tries to smile because Seattle is different. Different in the way that his case load isn't as heavy or frantic but exactly the same in the way that he leaves and sometimes doesn't come home for hours. He's always there in the morning though so she tries to take the small victories when her inner woman pipes up and says that it's not okay to live like this. "You don't have to lie to me Mark, I'm in my marriage, I understand what it's like, trust me." And then the 2 comes out to play and he is toeing the line by brushing her hair behind her ear.

He clears his throat and figures it is now or never. Taking another sip of liquid courage he decides to quench his curiosity, "Derek said you asked for a divorce back in New York…why are you here Addison?"

She's only got one answer and he won't get it. Unfortunately, the same question is usually the first thing she thinks of in the morning and the last thing she remembers before going to bed. "He's Derek." She steals away the bottle of wine and takes a sip trying to break up the tension in the room.

"Derek's an ass."

"True." She quips.

"You deserve better." He replies grabbing the bottle from her reach. He's seen drunk Addison and he is not prepared to deal with that. Not right now.

"Says you."

**_-----_**

"Shep!" Richard calls out. Derek shoots a hand out to stop the elevator doors from shutting and waits for his arrival.

"Hey Richard." Derek replies casually watching the people shift around the elevator in an attempt not to stare or eavesdrop.

"Late night?"

"Got called in…by you. Great memory you have there."

"Oh, you know me. Anyway I wanted to ask you how things are going." He tugs on his hat and smiles warmly at his young prodigy. It's good to have him back.

"Things are good." They ride silently until the next floor where everyone runs out afraid and intimidated. Richard gives a stern glare to the people trying to hop onboard and then they are whisked away in the metal capsule alone.

"I meant with Addison, Derek."

"Oh…Things are good. Really good. We just started moving all of our stuff into the new house; we should have you and Adele over. Dinner sometime."

"Well, I bet Adele would like that."

"I'm sure she would." They finally arrive at their destination of the lobby and Derek gives a small grin before walking away into the dark night.

It's so easy to lie when no one is noticing. It's so easy to pretend when no one cares enough to point out the difference. But he didn't come here for that. He came to get away, to escape New York and all of its complications. So far he isn't sure if he likes any of the changes but he does certainly realize just how much he must have been missing his wife the last few years. Waking up next to the long curtain of tangled red hair, kissing her nose to make her giggle and being able to catch her around the waist when she tries to brush by him in a hurry are just part of his normal everyday routine now and he couldn't imagine it any other way…even if sometimes things feel a little awkward. There's marked improvement and if he has any say there will continue to be.

His headlights hit the brick of his new home and he can't help but think there should be a family inside, well at least one that includes small children not just children who are six plus feet tall and go by the name of Mark. He saunters up the path taking his time to notice the newly planted flowers and freshly laid stone that lines the walk. Turning his key in the door he finds a scene that he'd really rather not see ever again. On his couch lies his best friend which is nothing short of the ordinary but on top of him Addison is curled into a ball and tucked under his chin like a purring cat.

He's about to storm the scene and beat the shit out of Mark for thinking that it is acceptable to cuddle with his wife when he sees Mark hold a finger up to his mouth. He kicks his shoes against the wall still hell bent on getting to be mad and crouches down beside the couch. "She's out…and I swear to God if you did anything to her I will slit your neck and not sew you back up." He whispers.

"Relax Derek, she's completely and utterly shit-faced and your responsibility when she wakes up puking in about oh…I dunno," he looks to his watch, "…about three hours."

"I go to work and you get her drunk? You know she can't hold her liquor after more than two drinks!" He peels the blanket off of Addison and braces himself to get ready to lift her.

"I didn't get anyone drunk, she did what she wanted. Plus she gets rather talkative when she'd inebriated. You think I would pick that over a quiet night of hogging the remote?" He tries not to grimace when her warmth is noticeably gone.

"We'll talk in the morning." Derek calls over his shoulder when he begins to take on the stairs that lead to the master bedroom.

"Can't wait Dad!" Mark groans, chucks the blanket to the floor and stomps off down the hall to the room in the house that he has no idea why he is staying in. He likes to tell himself that he hasn't moved here and will be vacating the premises shortly so there is no point in getting an apartment but the truth is that he isn't sure if he will live here or not. He would hate to lose the only family he's got and at the same time he doesn't think he has it in him to be around them twenty four seven. He has got to get out of this house before he does something they'll all regret.

**_-----_**

"Mark..." She grumbles angrily when Derek lightly drops her against the mattress that contains only the fitted sheet and one pillow.

"It's me honey. " He digs through boxes finally finding another odd shaped throw pillow that will have to work and a few blankets.

"Derek. " She giggles when he unties her robe to find nothing underneath.

Deciding she can't sleep in a robe and would bitch endlessly if she woke up cold from sleeping naked, he sorts through a few more boxes labeled dresser and pulls out a fresh pair of boxers and an old t-shirt that portrays a subway station. Definitely a tourist shirt of some kind and he has no idea whose it is, probably Mark's. "Addie arms up."

She laughs and shoots her arms into the air capturing Derek's mouth when he slides the material over her face. "Hello there…"

"You're drunk." He wraps an arm around her waist and helps her stand so he can pull the striped blue shorts up. He folds the waistband a few times to make them more snug like he's seen her do hundreds of times before depositing her on the bed again and heading off to the bathroom to see if a trashcan was unpacked or brought in yet. Finding his fate he brings back the empty waste receptacle in preparation of her downfall.

"Derek?" She asks when he slides in next to her and tugs the blankets around them both.

"Yeah Add?" He sighs when his neck jams on the stupid green pillow and deciding that no pillow is better than having that thing and a whole lot of pain in the morning, he tosses it to the floor.

"Our marriage sucks." She whispers into the darkness sobering up more quickly than she'd like to. Now's the time to say it, now is the time to vent it all out, when there is an excuse to fall back on.

"What?"

"Nothing….never mind." She twists away from him when he rolls over and looks at her imploringly.

"You think our marriage still sucks?"

"Don't you?" She asks quietly.

"I thought it was getting better…I thought…I thought that you were happy, you're happy right?" Derek asks babbling so quickly that there is no way to hide his nerves. It's all news to him.

She wants to think that she just doesn't know how to be happy anymore, or that maybe she really is and simply isn't appreciating it to its fullest abilities because her life? Not shabby by any standards, so she tries really hard to feel blessed and fulfilled when wanting to pull out her hair. She should tell the truth, that's what they preach; what they teach but the way the moonlight is bouncing off his edgy figure she knows she can't actually say what she needs to. She can't tell him that sometimes there is this never ending black hole and no matter how hard they work she doesn't think it is ever going back to how it was because they're different now. They've grown and evolved into different people now and maybe they're people who don't belong together anymore but she's not saying it; she can't.

"I'm happy Derek." She murmurs trying to sound sincere and whole hearted. She has to be happy, there's no reason not to be.

He exhales so deeply that China probably would have heard it if they were paying attention and wiggles closer to her. "Good. I'm happy too." And he is most of the time, the times when he doesn't come home to find her on top of Mark and realizes that he's actually the one to blame for leaving the two, who generally hate each other, alone for the night.

"That's good. I need sleep now."

"Atta girl, wake me up when you need to puke, I'll hold your hair." He grins feeling slightly relieved.

"I'm not going to vomit Derek."

"You always say that." He jokes and inches closer to rest his head on part of her pillow.

She rolls over avoiding his face and smiles when she sees the trash can. He's being attentive, loving, caring much unlike all those drunken nights in New York where he would simply turn a blind eye to her green color and let out a snore when she needed her hair tied back. She doesn't know what the hell is wrong with her. He's Derek and she's Addison and really this shouldn't be so damn hard.

It shouldn't be so difficult to find each other.

**_-----_**

Hours later after the predicted vomiting game Addison rolls onto her back and curses the sun for existing. She feels the bed shift next to her and clutches her stomach as the nausea rolls like waves through her pit. "Stop moving." She orders.

"You said some things last night."

"Mark?" She cracks one eyes open to see him dressed for the day and offering a cup of coffee, a bottle of water and a few aspirin.

"Derek already went in, he told me to make sure you were alive before I left so…here." He jams the bottle of water into her hand and tosses the drugs on her shirt covered chest.

"Thanks." She replies groggily and pats herself feeling around for the pills of a glorious intervention.

"You said things last night."

"I'm sure I did."

"You don't remember?"

"I remember eating horrible Chinese food, laughing at you when you got electrocuted by the outlet and then there's nothing…yet. I'm sure it will come back to me but right now I'd just as soon not use my brain."

"I'm going back to New York at the end of the week. I don't have any more cases and the Chief is pitching a hissy fit so I figured it's time."

"Thanks for the warning." She jabs and then closes her eyes again placing the cool bottle against her forehead and willing the hammers to stop pounding away inside her skull.

"Addison-"

"Don't. Just don't. I have no idea what I said and if it was inappropriate I deeply apologize, we all know how I get when I'm drunk. I say things I don't mean and-"

"No, you say what you mean when you're drunk…and you keep up the charade when you're sober, don't twist it. I'm not stupid." He fumbles off the bed and opens the door letting it swing back and hit the wall loudly. "Good luck with the hangover…and with everything else."

"Fuck." She grumbles when the door slams hard against its holder.

**_-----_**

"Later man, you better call. Don't make me sick Nancy or Kathleen on your ass." Mark smirks and pulls his ticket from his jacket a few days later.

"I'll call." He reassures him with a pat on the shoulder and watches the many travelers bounce around happily.

Mark pauses for a second because he doesn't quite know how to word things most of the time so he just stays out of the way but this has to be said. "Take care of Addison."

"I'm trying."

"Try harder and stop dashing out in the middle of the night- she doesn't…- never mind, just take care of each other, alright?" He'd almost be willing to bet that he could cry in the situation. He's losing his best friends to the rain capitol of the states and is forced to actually go live his life alone from now own. It's terrifying.

"I don't deserve her. I know. I don't know why she's still around but I'm thankful Mark, I am."

"Ok."

"Ok then. Nice talk. See you at Thanksgiving." He smiles.

"Yeah. See you." He walks away knowing full well he won't be at Thanksgiving or Christmas this year. Everything's changed; everything except him.

After a boring ride back he steps into the now awfully vacant feeling living room of his house wondering how he'll fair with truly being alone with Addison for the first time in a month. There's no one here to act as a buffer. "Addie! I'm home."

She doesn't pull herself from the couch in the study. She doesn't untuck her knees from their place pressed up against her chest and she makes no effort to wipe away the tear tracks from her cheeks. He'll find her eventually and she'll have to explain or think of a way to say that Seattle is all wrong and she just wants to go home even if that entails losing him to his job again. It's not Mark leaving that's the problem. It's her. Her and her need of everything to be in sync and understandable and right now with Derek out in the great state of Washington with all its trees and dirt, nothing is making sense.

"Honey?" He calls from the doorway and looks at her quizzically. He steps further into the room and sees the red puffy eyes matching the equally flushed nose and decides not to ask. If it's important and not just a girl thing then she'll tell him. She'll say something. Instead he plods down the carpet and pulls her into his lap when he sits down. "You alright?" She nods and he tries desperately to think of something. "So I was hoping we could talk a little now that we're alone."

She pulls back and scoots out of his reach before nodding again, "Ok. What about?"

"Well…I know this is coming out of left field but since we moved here, more specifically into this house I can't help but think of how great it would be to have some small feet running around the halls tormenting us."

She peers up incredulously, "You want to have children now?"

"Do you?"

"You think we can have children now!" She shouts at him and stands from the couch to begin pacing the room.

"I thought it would be nice. We always wanted kids Add, and we're here and it's good here. We have a yard and there aren't sirens every ten minutes and neither one of our jobs is that demanding anymore. I'm saying I'm ready. I'm ready to have a baby with you."

She's about a tenth of a second from losing it anyway so she gives in to all of the guilt, all of the pressure, all of the anger of years gone by. "A baby will not fix this. We can not bring a child into this hollow shell of a marriage Derek. No, no, no. No!"

"Hollow shell? I thought-"

"It's not better; it's not okay here either! You're still you, present more now granted, but you're you and I'm me and I'm holding it all in and I don't want to hold it all in anymore. I'm done with this…this bullshit. I can't take it anymore."

"You can't-"

"Stop interrupting!" She spews and flicks on the button on the wall to the gas fireplace as her skin begins to shiver for the moment. "You say you're trying."

"I am trying." He replies calmly ignoring her request to stop butting in.

"Stop it, God listen for once!" He stands up and watches her spin in a dizzying dance of hand gestures and facial expressions. "Don't touch me! Don't you dare try and stop this conversation." She warns and he sits back down heeding at least one command. She takes in a large breath of air and closes her eyes tight. "I want the divorce Derek. Give me the divorce."

He stops breathing at some point and doesn't realize it until his lungs burn when he tries to speak. Every fear is confirmed, every skeleton is bolting from its closet, every car is skidding to a halt and it hurts everywhere. "Addie please."

"Don't do this. Don't look at me like that. Don't beg me to stay, be a man and let me go. It's not like you want me around for anything anyway."

He tightens his fist in time with the squeezing of his heart and looks up at her with watery eyes. "I can't."

"Yes you can, yes you can!" She paces to her bag hanging off the old wooden desk chair and takes out the papers throwing them in his lap.

"You kept them." He whispers as his fingers trail over the letters and his eyes behold their names at the bottom. She had them the whole time.

"Let me out." She replies equally as soft when the tears begin to etch down her face once again. She can't get herself out. There's no real reason to walk away, especially when she can't pin point down the problem to anything but herself. He has to do it. If he cuts the ties then she can move on.

"No. I can't." He demands again and stands chucking the papers behind the barrier and into the red flames. The agreement ignites immediately and balls up into a charcoaled mess as he tightly embraces the woman who keeps trying to leave him. He won't let her go; he doesn't know who he is without her.

She doesn't respond to his touch. She stands motionless, silently sobbing into the warm air as her back up plan meets its untimely demise. The embers burn brightly in an orangish hue and she sighs heavily when the last of it disintegrates into nothing. It's all gone out the window to play in the never ending droplets. "Please." She cries out against his wet shoulder and shakes her head when he pulls her tighter to him.

"I can't Addie. I can't. Don't you see how much I love you?" He asks softly into her ear when the tears begin to perk up in his eyes. He'll go to war before this all washes down the drain. He will not have nothing to show for his life, he will not let the love of his life waltz out into the rain without him as an umbrella to guard her.

She knows it's true. It's all true, he does love her and she does love him but that's not the issue. That's not what's missing and then it clicks. The light bulb gleams brightly and the hamster is back on the wheel doing double time as her mind spins. What's missing is their passion. Their burning need to make things work, to live life to its fullest has subsided into a comfortable routine of keeping things bottled up until she asks for a divorce and he almost cries. She doesn't know who to blame anymore so she raises her head up and presses her cheek to his letting the wetness soak his stubble and voices a shaky, "I know."

Love was never the problem.

**_-----_**

* * *


End file.
