Castle 1. Chapter 1

**A/N This is my first whack at this. please let me know how i do.**

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She knew this would happen, so when it did Kate was disappointed in how cliché the universe worked. This was something she saw in her worst nightmares, something she heard through stories around the precinct, and something her mentors scolded her about when they repeatedly told her not to mix personal with professional. '_You can only deny it for so long' _is what she told herself.

The extraordinary Katherine Beckett never froze. Well she did once, but that was because she was trying to overcome her shooting.

A cop works better when they act on instinct. Training teaches one to react to the situation and not think about that. It teaches how to clear a room, how to aim and shoot, how to take down a suspect, how to react when someone has you in an old-fashioned showdown, how to deal with a hostage at gunpoint situation. All that training went out the window when the gun wasn't pointing at some random civilian that he picked off the street. It was pointed at him. Castle.

At that point in time when she connected who was the hostage immediately her mind thought of the outcome. _'If he dies right now he might as well shoot me too. He can't die now, not after we just started, not after there is too much left unsaid. Not after four years of putting up with him to have Castle leave like this.'_

Her mind fluttered back to waking up this morning.

_She had stayed because he begged her to. Though the begging was just a show they put on because she loved the ways he persuaded her to stay in his bed and he knew her pride was too big for Kate herself to ask to stay the night. They'd made love because they couldn't get enough of each other and they fell asleep holding one another because there was no better way to fall asleep._

_She woke up closer to morning to the feel of his hand rubbing underneath her shirt that was actually his along her stomach in a soothing way. She felt his breath at her neck as he gently pressed a kiss to her shoulder. Laying on her side, Kate pressed back towards his chest as he moved his kiss up to her neck, this one a little longer than the last, tongue darting out to taste each spot. His other hand sneaked under her body and grasped her hip so he could pull her closer. Both of his hands started a gentle squeeze as his kisses moved up slowly until he kissed right behind her ear. "Morning" he said through his smile as she sighed. She responded with a smile of her own. They didn't need to look at the other to see the smiles and happiness that was apparent. These were the moments that both of them realized if life were a little more perfect, they'd be in heaven. Just as things started to turn into what they really wanted her phone went off. "of course" Castle grunted disappointingly as the movements of his hands stopped but he still gripped her hips as not to lose contact. She spoke to the dispatch on the phone while his lips peppered the open area of skin that the shirt allowed. When Kate hung up she tossed the phone on the other side of the bed and flipped in his arms to kiss him. They teased with their lips and tongues just daring the other to make it go farther knowing that if they went there they'd be late and it would warrant a lot of ribbing from the rest of the crew. "Tonight" Kate promised as she jumped away from his embrace and towards the closet to dress. Castle watched with a smile that took up his whole face and replied "Tonight sounds great." With that he bounded after her to go to the scene._

Her mind was stuck in that moment in bed when she saw him standing there. The fear that ran threw her when she realized if he died, mornings like todays would never happen again. Any other person's hands would not be able to touch her in that exact same way and even if there were ones, she refused to try to find them.

So really, when Kate Beckett knew this was going to happen, surprise was not at all the first emotion, it was more like denial. _'This is not happening right now.' _

All they had done was get a lead and when they came around the corner there Castle was with John Rikes right behind him, gun pushed into his back underneath his "Writer" vest. Kate's heart seized up and literally stopped. A bullet to the heart would have felt better, she knows from previous experience. Her whole body tensed up and she could see her gun shaking out in front of her. Her knees were close to buckling and faltering out from under her.

"A bullet to the liver if you come any closer, Detectives."

"Put the gun down now, John. You can't win this time." It was Esposito.

"Let him go and come quietly. You're only making this worse for yourself." Ryan.

Kate's eyes connected with Castle's and she saw the fear desperately trying to be covered up by courage. She hopes what he sees in her eyes is a more successful version of it.

"Let him go John or I will put a bullet in your brain without another thought." Was that her voice? That was a better cop voice than what she thought she'd sound like. It gave Kate a silent boost of confidence.

"I leave here without anyone following me and I won't hurt him."

"Yeah, right." It was a soft mumble from Castle. It was too shaky to know that he knew this was going to end badly. _'Don't be stupid Castle,'_ Kate prayed. Castle jerked suddenly in an uncomfortable way that once again Kate was holding her breath. Rikes shoved the gun harder into Castle's side.

"You're the hostage. You're not supposed to talk." Rikes turned his attention back to the three cops. "now let me go or I will pull this trigger and let him bleed out slowly before you take me back to prison."

"Shoot me and your prison will be six feet under." Castle was feeling cocky, Kate could tell. But he was also distracting Rikes so the team decided to start their move.

"Why are you talking? Annoying me only makes me want to shoot you more." Rikes jerked Castle's collar that he was hold so that he spoke right into his ear.

Beckett held back the laugh that wanted to come up inappropriately at the fact that she remembered feeling the same way.

"Listen, detectives, you are going to have to let me leave or your little writer pet is going to die." That helped stifle the laugh.

Beckett moved forward ever so slightly towards Rikes, Ryan and Esposito on each side of her moved outwards expanding their line and moving it forward. "I can't do that. You will just have to put the gun down and come with us."

Beckett stopped while she talked as she watched out of the corner of her eye Esposito continue his calculated movements. She was trying to distract Rikes so that they could move on him without hurting Castle. "You don't want another death on your conscious so let's just leave right now with your life. There's no other way John."

"Yes there is!" Rikes stated and then two gunshots went off.

For the seemingly umpteenth time, Kate's heart stopped as she watched Castle crumple to the ground.

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**i hope i intrigued you some...**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I feel like this story will jump around a lot. Bare with me.**

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ONE YEAR LATER…

They stumbled through the door, a little too drunk on what they had at the bar and what they needed now. Clothes were being strewn around the room one by one as she led him to bed. She was the aggressor pushing him backwards on the bed and climbing on top. The kisses were now sloppy and showed more lust than passion or love. When their clothing was finally off, she was on bottom and wishing she'd taken a few more shots to allow her to forget what was about to happen.

It didn't matter how hard she tried to hold it back, his name still fell off her lips in a quiet gasp. As soon as it was uttered, she knew he had heard. Kate couldn't bring herself to care though. She was in a downward spiral ever since his shooting and the man she picked up at the bar seemed to take it more to heart than he really should have. Once the name Castle was breathed from her, he was off her and pulling on clothes to the door.

She felt stupid for asking but she did it anyways, "Where are you going?"

"I'm leaving, obviously."

"What's wrong? I thought we were having fun?" _'If fun was using a stranger to try and forget him.'_

"I _was_ having fun but give a guy some credit. I'd like to at least be with a girl who can remember my name. You do remember my name don't you?"

"Yeah sure." Little too long of a pause and a gulp. "Darrell."

"Derrick! It's _Derrick_! You said you liked that name because it reminded you of a spy or something like that!" _'Oh yeah. Derrick. Like Derrick Storm. Like the character I fell in love with before I fell in love with the creator.' _"Man, I always felt like girls were being over sensitive when guys used them for sex but now I understand."

He was standing at the door now, dressed, though he still looked disheveled. Kate could see why she'd given him a chance before any other guy. He was almost the same height as her, well defined muscles that could be seen by his form fitting shirt. His skin was a dark exotic color and his eyes were a brown to match it. His lips were fairly thick and pouty, hands rough and callused . In other words, he was nothing like Castle. And now those dark brown eyes stared at her with anger. Kate stares back with no emotion. "I'd go back to him if I were you. You'll never find someone else if his is the only name you remember. You're way to damaged."

And with that he left. _'If only it were that simple.'_

She fell back onto her bed thinking for once about the guy that had just left. They'd met at the bar down the street from her apartment. They'd talked a few times before tonight but today was the day she took him home because it was a year later and still nothing about how she felt had changed. She reached onto the nightstand where his book was and threw it and the now closed door. When she saw and heard the book thud against the door and then the floor she looked back to the stand and picked up the glass she usually filled with water to cure her hangovers and threw it in the exact same place the book had hit seconds before. She grabbed her three pillows that she slept with and threw them as well. The next thing she knew she was destroying her tiny apartment in a fit of pent up anger that, up until now, had been taken out in a gym.

'_He's not even here and he's annoying and pissing me off.'_

When she looked around her destroyed room, she collapsed to a heap on the floor and sobbed. Her chest felt tight and she couldn't get enough air to her lungs. Her sobs were broken as was her heart.

Castle was still a part of her everyday life. Coffee, burgers, shakes, Ferraris, bullet proof vests, books, baths, parks, music, movies, and in today's case: newspapers. She was struggling and it had been a year.

_A year._

That first month she would drag herself early to work, get kicked out by the captain late at night and drink so that she would forget what she lost, pass out, and repeat this over the next day with a slight hangover that killed her head and a numbness that was felt everywhere else. The boys didn't understand. They tried talking to her and guilt her into stopping her drinking but after a while, they realized it was most likely just a phase because after that first month she quit going home all together and just stayed on the break room couch. The third month she had a new apartment that she claimed was closer to the precinct but they guys knew it was because it wouldn't remind her of him. They'd taken his chair away this third month too.

The fourth month, Lanie tried to set her up with a guy she knew through her med school friend. Kate went but said less than nothing and ended up leaving after an hour because there was a pain in her chest and she felt like she was cheating on him even though she knew she wasn't. Her date kept asking if she was expecting to see someone when she constantly looked over her shoulder, towards the door, and at every burst of laugh from another table; but she said no. _'There was no one to see anyways, right? Why would he be here?'_

The fifth month, Captain Gates tried to institute a new policy and get her a partner. "Beckett you know good and well you can't be interviewing witnesses and knocking down doors without back up. You need a partner. That's that."

"Sir before you came here I had no partner and I survived just fine."

"Did you hear what you said? _Before me_. This is during me and during me you will have a partner."

"Esposito and Ryan are my partners. Why can't I take one of them every time I follow a lead?"

"You and I both know they rarely ever separate and you always send them to do other things while you chase down your own path. No, I will get you a partner and you will work with him. Now either take the day off to process that or I'd suggest getting back to work before I make you take the day off."

Kate left with a slam of the door. She got her partner Detective Emmitt before the end of the month. He was taller than her, cropped dirty blonde hair and a broad chest, overall a good-looking guy. He was young, intelligent and by the book. No CIA theories or claiming the butler did it, which was fine, they still got the right guy more often than not. She had to make it clear early that she was not interested in him in any way other than partners.

She found that she and Emmitt worked well together. Esposito and Ryan took a little while to warm up to him, but eventually it was like he had been there for longer than he really had been. He made her laugh occasionally when he had a few good zingers at the boys. He had her back and she appreciated that. _'Another brother to add to the family.'_

After that month that it took to adjust to Emmitt, life seemed to go easier for Beckett. She still felt empty and those next five months she came to the realization that she would probably never move on as quickly as she'd like until today when she saw that newspaper article that led her to the bar and to Devin or Derrick or whatever his name was.

Page six was back at it again and it came with a vengeance. The headline read _**'Castle finds a new Queen'**_. There he was kissing a bimbo. Healthy and breathing and still handsome as ever… And it destroyed her.

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**i hope i fooled at least one person...**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: this story changes more than i know what to do with it.**

**Disclaimer: the only thing i own is the computer im writing from not the character.**

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"You know I know and you can't ignore it forever. You look just as bad as you did the first month."

"Gee thanks. You really know how to pick a girl up." Kate fell back against the morgue table behind her more emotionally exhausted than anything. "When do you think he got back? _Why _did he come back?"

Lanie sighed as her eyes softened. "Honey, he's been back for a while. I told you that looking at page six was just going to land you back to square one."

"I know, but I couldn't help it. I hadn't looked at it for a month but I never thought I'd see something like that. It shouldn't kill me but it does." Kate swallowed and closed her eyes. "I brought a guy home last night because of it."

"Oh, Kate-" Lanie started and Beckett could tell it was going to be to give her a lecture. One she wasn't up for.

"Nothing happened because I screwed it up before it even started. I thought I caught myself from the downward spiral but that photo just sent me right back into motion. He should've stayed in Europe."

"His life isn't there. It's here with his daughter and mother and it could have been with you. You walked away Kate, he had to too."

Kate sat back staring at the floor, thinking about the past year and how it all ended.

_'I can't go on knowing I'll just get you hurt in the end.' _

_'You're a coward.'_

_'You don't have to care about me anymore.'_

_ 'That's all this is: You being scared your life might actually be better than your expectations.'_

"I made my decisions, now I just have to live with them. I'll call you later for a drink. Thanks Lanie." Kate gave a weak smile and turned to leave.

"Keep away from the newspaper, Kate. Make that call sometime soon." Lanie smiled goodbye and with that Kate left.

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She was back at her desk before she realized she'd been on autopilot the whole time.

"I don't know what else to tell you. She'd kill me if she even knew I was talking to you… Yeah, we miss you to… We're doing just fine thank you very much. Not everything revolved around you, ya know…" Ryan laughed into the phone and turned to see Beckett standing there with a questioning look. "Umm… my boss is back Grandma, love you 'bye." The detective hung up quickly and gave Kate a wave. "Good morning, that was my Grandma." He chuckled nervously.

"It's two o'clock in the afternoon. I don't think you're allowed to say 'Good Morning.' Was that really your grandma? You seem nervous."

"Oh is it that time already? I need a break!" and with that Ryan practically sprinted to the break room.

Esposito showed up at that time.

"What's up with Ryan?" Kate asked.

"How should I know?"

"Never mind. Body drop yet?"

"Would we be here if it had?"

"Guess not." Kate slumped down into her desk. With all the time that Beckett had put in, the paper work had taken care of itself, now all she could do is wait for someone to need her. "Emmitt is where exactly?"

"Boss put him on special assignment. So beats me." Esposito studied her for a second. "You okay?"

"Yeah why wouldn't I be?" Kate once again didn't try to hide her exhaustion.

"I saw the picture. I'd take it hard too." Esposito's eyes softened as she saw his effort to be the true brother that he was.

Kate's eyes dropped. "We've moved on. It's no big deal."

"Right." Esposito turned around ending the conversation. He didn't believe her but they have already had those talks that turned into not speaking for a day or so. If she was going to be stubborn, who was he to tell her she was wrong?

"I'm going for a work out. I'll keep my phone on me for any calls." Kate leaves to head to the gym. Ryan, seeing that she's leaving, heads back to his partner at their desks.

"He called again. I think she overheard too." Ryan tells his partner. "I told him to stop by."

"He shouldn't be calling and he shouldn't be stopping by. That will only cause a big mess that will take even longer to clean up. Why are you even talking to him?" Esposito tried to sound like he was hurt by him calling but it was more the fact that Castle didn't call him.

"Because even though things didn't work out, he was still our friend. And all he wants to know is how we're all doing. It's not too much to tell him, he was hurt too in the process."

"How we're doing? Or how _she_ is doing?" Esposito said motioning to the desk.

Ryan felt dejected. "I'd like to meet up for beers sometime but Beckett would think we were choosing his side over hers."

"What she doesn't know won't hurt her, right?" Esposito says with a smile picking up the phone. "Same number?"

Ryan nods and smiles. They were getting the old crew back together, even if it was just a portion of them.

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Castle made his way into his loft after a long meeting with his publishers. He hadn't written in over two months and they weren't happy with the stuff he'd been writing in the past year. Something about being too dark. He walked over to his desk and poured himself a shot of something he knew would relieve his stress. The paper on top of his desk catches his eye. Page six. Mother must have put it there. She told him to keep hidden from the press, it was "best for everyone" if he did.

As he picked up the paper a voice startled him from behind. "You know she saw it."

"You don't know that."

"How could she not? It's the first time you've been in the paper for a year, someone would have made a big deal about it." Martha walked over to where he was still standing holding the paper of him with… Lisa? No, no, Laura.

"It's a little tasteless if you ask me. She wasn't even that good of a kisser." Whoa, this is affecting him a little sooner than it should be. He's probably just picking up where he left off last night.

"As compared to what? That blonde you dated last month? Or was it those twins that you gallivanted around with the month before that?" Martha's tone was more one of disapproving. "This isn't moving on, Richard. This is destroying you little by little."

"I'm fine that." Now he sees what the company means by dark. He's been morbid but the blame shouldn't be on him. "She told me to leave. She told me she was done. If destroying myself means I don't have to think about her anymore, it's the best way."

He drops the paper finally, sits in his chair and stares at his mother. The woman had been there to comfort him and he was grateful but she was right. He has to move on. "I talked to Ryan today. He said she's doing better. Maybe she moved on too." Castle pauses realizing the inevitability of his own situation. "I'll call Lauren again. At least she was nice to talk to."

"I think that'd be for the best." Martha gave her son a sad smile and left his office.

_'One of us is going to get hurt. Who would I be if I let that be you?'_

_'Do you understand just by leaving you're hurting me now?'_

_'Take care of yourself'_

_'Eventually you'll forget me. Maybe not now but you will and it'll be for the best.'_

Castle picks up his phone and finds her name in his contact. _'Time to forget.'_

Before he could hit send, his caller id popped up with the precinct's name on it. His stomach dropped and a sense of hope filled his body. "Castle." He hadn't answered the phone like that in months.

"Yo, Old Haunt at 9. Just us. You up for it?" he knew what he meant by just us. Not her.

"Yeah! Yeah, sure. I'll be there! Man, I really misse—"

"Save it for later bro, I gotta go! Don't be late." And then he hung up.

At least he won't have to drink alone tonight.

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**im not sure how the story ended up here but i hope it will hold you off until i figure out where it goes next...**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: i started this because i hated waiting for my stories to update. now i understand why. don't kill me. i wanted to get something up so hopefully this fits. i didn't want to get too into detail with the medical side so don't read too much into it.**

**Disclaimer: if i owned them, i wouldnt be here.**

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_Castle crumples to the ground…_

Kate choked on the air she was desperately trying to suck in. Her gun was still held out in front of her and as she stumbled forward she dropped it on the ground as she lunged towards Castle's form. He had fallen forward on his knees and was lying on his stomach as Beckett reached him. Esposito and Ryan ran forward as well and went behind to Rikes to check his breathing. He was dead.

Blood started pooling around Castle's side as Kate fell next to him. All she could hear was her own heartbeat as she took in the situation. She couldn't hear the boys call for back up; she couldn't hear her own voice call out to the man that just seconds ago was trying to prove he was just as tough as the rest of them.

Then he groaned and slowly Kate's world came back into focus.

"Castle?" She pushed him up so that she could see that he was bleeding from his side but couldn't see how much damage it had done. She put pressure on the wound and spoke to him again. "Castle, look at me. You're going to be all right, you hear me? Just stay with me."

_'Stay with me.' _Interesting choice of words.

"It's just a flesh wound. No big deal." Castle coughs out with a laugh. His hand goes down to his wound to check out the damage for his own. He winces. "Oh yeah, nothing to worry about."

Kate can't quite find the humor in it even when a laugh comes out as she feels her eyes sting with tears. "This better not go in your books."

"I think it'd add some ruggedness to Rook. Nikki might even like it." Castle reveals a pained smile. Now his eyes start to fill with tears as he sees the water drop from hers. He reaches up to her, gently stroking her face until his hand falls to her shoulder. "Hey, stop that. You can't cry because then I'll cry."

"Sorry it must be the dust." She laughs and his smile is still on his face as they hear the ambulance approaching. "I'll see you soon okay? You'll get through this and I'll see you soon."

"Come with me, please." He begs. His grabs onto her vest as if to hold her there.

She shakes her head and the tears stream a little as she sees the fear in his eyes that are finally coming through with no cover. She tries to cover her mouth with the back of her hand so that the whimpers don't come out as easily then grabs his hand that's at her vest to pull it away carefully.

"Kate… I need you… I need your help… Please." He looks so pale and lost.

"I can't Castle. I'll be right there. Okay? I'll be there when you wake up."

The next few moments feel like a blur for Beckett. Ryan pulls her away as the paramedics surround Castle. She sits on a crate that seemed conveniently placed at the scene. The warehouse is buzzing with paramedics and the cops that arrived. The ambulance rushes off with Castle inside in a matter of minutes and Beckett can't move. She watches the back of the vehicle disappear through the huge doors. Kate can feel the toll the past hours have taken on her body not to mention the last twenty minutes. Her eyes close as she hears someone approaches from behind.

"Captain said leave our statements with LT and get lost. She heard about Castle. Have you called Alexis or anyone?" Esposito's voice sounds just as tired as Beckett feels.

"Uh… Alexis? No. I guess I should, shouldn't I?" Beckett reaches for her phone and stares at the screen unlocking it and pressing the contact button then freezes. _'How do I tell her he's just been shot? She'll know it's my fault.'_ "Actually can you do it? I need to make my statement then head back to the precinct to close up the case."

"Back to the precinct? What about Castle? The case is obviously closed just go to the hospital. We'll cover back at the precinct."

"He'll be in surgery, there's no point in waiting around. Why not get some work done?" Beckett stands and starts moving towards her car. She can hear Esposito follow her and feels the frustration rise in her chest.

"Beckett, you can't just pretend that he didn't just get shot. You look like a wreck and you're his girlfr—"

"Stop it Espo. I don't need you to tell me what just happened. I don't need you to tell me where to go and I sure as _hell_ don't need you telling me what he is to me. I'm not going to be sitting around crying over what is probably nothing." Her voice started getting louder and shakier by the time the rant is over as she releases the pent up emotion at her fellow team member. She rips the Velcro on her vest hard and fumbles to get out of it quickly as she feels her emotions taking back over. When she looks back at him he's frozen in place with a bit of disbelief on his face. She realizes what she has to do now.

"I'm sorry. I just need space." With that she jumps in her car and speeds away.

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Castle wakes slowly feeling a weird buzz in his ear and his head feels tries to speak but it's more a strangled cough.

"Dad?" It's a familiar voice. One he knows by heart. "Dad, let me get a nurse, ok?"

His eyes open and his head rolls to its right on its own seemingly. "Hey." He smiles. He counts the people in the room. _'One… Two… Two… Two... Two? There's only two. There's supposed to be three. Two redheads and a brunette.' _

"Where's Beckett?" He sees the disappointment in Alexis's eyes as she just walks out of the room to get someone. His head turns to his mother. Her eyes sadden and Castle becomes confused and suddenly fear enters his mind. "What happened?"

"Nothing happened Richard. She's just not here." His mother sighs and she moves to grasp his hand.

Castle's confusion just increases and he feels a panic starts to rise when someone in a white lab coat enters with his daughter in tow.

"Good evening Mr. Castle, I'm Doctor Ward. How are you feeling?"

"A bit groggy I guess." He says as he eyes the nurse that came in after them moving around to the side of his bed to check on his vitals.

"Figured. You just had surgery to stop the bleeding to your side. There was extensive damage there but we got it to stop eventually. You'll just have some damage to the muscle there and we recommend bed rest when you get out. You have twenty stitches in at the moment that we'll have to remove too."

"And I'll be getting out when?"

"Hopefully the next couple of hours. I'll be back with your paper work." Doctor Ward leaves with a nod towards his mother and the nurse.

Alexis replaces where the nurse was by his head. "How are you really feeling dad?"

"I'll be better when I get home." His smile, even through the medication that the nurse just gave him, didn't reach his eyes, and his daughter could tell.

"We'll get you home, on some nice medication and a couple of movies to relax too. That sound good to you?" Alexis smiled weakly. He had to give her credit; at least she knew how to distract him.

But he knew what her not being here meant. And it killed him to know she was running once again.

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**now i can get onto the angst and get this story where it's really going...**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: this was so hard to write. i'm kinda happy with it though. we'll see.**

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The knock on his door woke him from the daydream he had fell into watching TV. His doctor told him to stay home and rest for as long as possible since the meds and the trauma would take a toll on his emotional state. Castle wasn't supposed to make many movements as they were worried that he would pull the stitches but he was basically all alone in his loft while his mother and daughter flittered in and out going about their daily lives. Not moving was not an option. It'd been a week since the accident, _'his shooting'_ as he was now labeling it, and his muse was nowhere to be found.

She hadn't answered his ten phone calls the first day or his seven text messages the second day and by the third day he was almost so desperate that he was about to call Esposito or Ryan but by the fourth day he had realized this is what she did. She got hurt so she went away. If he could pour himself a drink or two he'd be more than happy to wait if that is what she needed, a little alcohol would help pass the time, ease the emotional pain, but that isn't medically advised apparently.

_'No, stop being happy to wait. You need to be pissed, she didn't show, she hasn't shown in a week. You can't just forgive her every time she does this. You're hurt. So where is she?'_

Every time he thought about the events right after his shooting anger flared in his chest. _'She said she'd be there. She wasn't there.'_ He couldn't see why she would ever say that if she wasn't going to follow through.

So as he trudged his way to the door he didn't want to get his hopes up but who was he kidding? He always had and always will wish it were the infamous detective behind the door. And for once he was right.

Kate Beckett stood on the other side of the threshold holding her breath as she saw him for the first time standing upright. She tried to keep her once over subtle as she glanced to where the bullet hit him. But telling by the uneasy shift he knew what she was thinking. "Hey." She breathed out and tried to smile. He smiled back acknowledging the effort and stepped into her wrapping his arms around her waist and squeezing. The second he saw her he melted completely and that anger was set aside for some other time. He was just happy to see that she finally came and didn't wait three months. It took her a while to return the hug and he noticed her hesitation. He stepped back to let her in and closed the door behind her.

Before he could question why she hadn't shown up, why she hadn't returned any of his texts or phone calls, why she was just now coming to his door she spoke up and tried to just jump straight into the reason she was there.

"You can't follow me anymore."

His face dropped in shock not at the statement more at the fact that she just said it straight out.

"I haven't seen you in a week and that's all you have to say?"

"Listen, Cast-"

"No, listen to me! You told me you'd be there, you told me you'd come and you weren't there. You weren't anywhere. I've been here for a week! A whole week and when you finally show up it's because you're telling me not to follow you anymore. You ran, Kate. Again! You ran again and you can't barely get in the door before you tell me that you're not done running." His voice was cracking and the desperation almost told her to stop. He was fine. He was breathing and alive. It was much more than she could say.

"I didn't run. I needed perspective. You got shot right in front of me. We were lucky that you got hit where you did. A few inches over and I'd have to be consoling Alexis and Martha right now. I'd have to be writing up reports and answering the press as to how my partner got killed on the job."

"Seriously? Reports and press is a bigger deal to you right now? God, unbelievable." He walked towards the couch putting more space in between them. When he spoke again his voice was a whisper. "I held on to that. That's all I thought about."

"I know what I said to you. I meant it."

"Then why weren't you there? If you really meant it you would have been there. Why did you even say it?" Castle's eyes just tore through her. She saw the hurt and it hurt her to know it was only going to get worse.

"We can't do this anymore. I can't watch you get hurt." Kate couldn't meet his eyes at this point.

"What does that even mean?" She heard the fear in his voice and she decided she needed to look him straight in the eye for this part.

"I can't go on knowing I'll just get you hurt in the end."

He nodded his head in realization. "So when you say that you're not letting me follow you around you're also breaking up with me." It was a statement. She answered with a nod. "This makes no sense. I was shot. How does that affect us being together?"

"One of us is going to get hurt. Who would I be if I let that be you?"

"Do you understand just by leaving you're hurting me now?'"

"That's something I'll have to deal with. Seeing you get shot is not something I want to witness again and if something were to happen I couldn't come home every night knowing I'm the one to blame. That I couldn't protect you. I can't protect you from getting hurt." Kate's voice wasn't defensive. To Castle, she seemed set in her ways.

"You can't protect me! Things like this happen." He moved across the room now to her. An arm's length away now and he felt the ache to touch her.

"They happen to cops. Not writers." She wasn't going to allow him back, he could see that. "Please Castle. Just stay away."

He realized it now. Maybe it was a choice. Either it was the job or her. Follow her or come home to her. "Fine. I won't follow you anymore. Just stay here. Don't leave again." He grabbed her hand as she tried to pull away.

"No Castle you don't get it. I won't let you get hurt, physically or…" She was pausing and fear crept into his chest. "Or emotionally." He dropped her hand.

"What does that even mean? You're counting us out again? How can you chalk us up to a failure already when everything has been perfect!?" He was starting to grasp at straws again. He seemed desperate and he didn't care. "Kate, what is this really about?"

She looked at him with soft eyes while biting the inside of her bottom lip before answering. "You know how much my mother's death affected me. It changed my whole life. It nearly ruined my father. I would never wish that pain on my worst enemy. If something were to happen to me or worse, you, the destruction it would cause…" she let her sentence hang as she considered the possibility. "I couldn't live knowing you were killed because of me just like I can't live knowing that reality almost happened last week."

"Kate, it was a flesh wound. I'm fine! I'm walking around for Pete's sake."

"Castle, the what if is too much for me to continue this on. I can't put your family through what happened to me. It's not right, and if I can prevent it I will. So this is it." Kate turns to get out of the loft before the break in her emotions causes her to fall apart in front of him.

He realizes then he can't let her go like this. He grabs her around the waist and pulls her to him, lips crushing her for a kiss. He can feel her sob against him as she returns the kiss, and he eventually tastes her tears as he threads his hand into her hair to keep her against him. Her tongue is the first to dart towards his as he willingly opens his mouth to accept it. The kiss is angry and desperate and passionate at the same time, lips and tongues meshing and making the other groan. Her hands come up to his face to keep him there for a little while longer. As soon as Castle thinks she changes her mind she pulls away, eyes still closed, tears streaming down her face, and breath ragged.

"I'm sorry Castle. We're over." She turns and strides to the door, hands angrily swiping at her eyes to wipe away the tears.

"You're a coward." She stops. Her eyes close as her sadness now turns to anger. "That's all this is: You being scared your life might actually be better than your expectations. This isn't about me getting hurt and this isn't about how it will affect my family. It's you needing to run from something that has been better than what you thought it'd be. So just stay. This feeling will go away when you realize I won't be leaving."

"Castle, that's not what this is about. Not everything has subtext, you know?" The anger starts to seep into her voice. "I am not doing this because I'm running. I'm doing this because it's what is right."

His laugh is curt and it shoots straight through her chest. "What's right was never beginning this in the first place. You should have never come back." He flops onto the couch not looking at her.

Now that hurt. Kate breathed in about to react, the anger and hurt in her chest was rising when she realized this was the out she needed. If she was really going to protect him he needed a reason to never come back.

"Eventually you'll forget me. Maybe not now, but you will and it'll be for the best." Her voice was far too calm for his liking. This was it and he was going to watch her walk out. "Take care of yourself."

She opened the door and left. In the ten minutes that she had been here, she had destroyed his world.

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**on the stories that get tons of reviews i always see this at the bottom so i'll be stealing it... **

**thoughts?**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: i didnt know life could get in the way but it does. **

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He strolled into the bar he hadn't occupied in over a year. He sees the boys sitting at a booth over in the corner and he suddenly felt nervous. He looked around the room as he got closer to the table. Castle could never give an honest answer whenever he scanned the room for her. Was he hoping to see her or not?

"I told you it's just us," Esposito stood as he stuck out his arm for a hand shake. Castle grabbed it firmly as he pulled the detective into a strong hug.

"I know, it's just a habit," Castle replied as he let Esposito go and moved for Ryan who was moving eagerly to greet his old friend.

"You enjoy your time away?" Ryan greeted as the three sat and ordered drinks.

"Oh yeah, despite having to work some of the time, I think it is just what I needed." Castle looked down into his drink while thinking over his trip. He hadn't seen the boys in eight months. The first four months after… his shooting, '_that's what it was'_ he reminds himself, he stayed in his loft recovering from both getting shot by a gun and getting hurt by Beckett. He struggled through finishing the chapters required of him. If it wasn't the pain medication that clouted his mind the first month and a half, the next months were alcohol fueled and a blur for the most part. When he decided he was going to get out of New York for a while he really just wanted to put an ocean between him and his broken heart, which he figured, was his best option. He had friends who were always trying to get him to come and visit them so he decided now was as good of a chance as ever. Paula and Gina didn't mind throwing in a few book signings and endorsement deals into the mix.

He sat with the boys telling them all about how he had gone to parties in England running into what he claimed was royalty that the detectives didn't believe. "Let me tell you it was one wild blur of alcohol and lots of fun." He chuckled as he picked up his drink and took a couple gulps.

"I see you found a new squeeze, Casanova. Brunettes still your thing?" Esposito picked up the paper that had been left by a previous inhabitant. Castle felt himself freeze at the thought of other brunettes he has dated – loved would seem more like it- and felt the familiar pang in his chest. Esposito looked like he had just tried to shove his foot in his mouth and Castle could see the regret in his eyes immediately. The uneasy laugh that came next surprised him but he decided to go with it.

"They come to me. I don't come to them," he shrugged with another laugh, one that Ryan joined. He took a breath and found his old partners eyes with a more serious look. "She's all right, right? I mean she's taking care of herself and isn't doing anything stupid?" The boys looked at each other with a slight sadness before Ryan decided to answer.

"She'd kill us if we said anything but the first couple of months were rough. She's come around and is more focused than I've ever seen her," Ryan looked away from Castle than made eye contact once again with the writer. "We never wanted to ask but what did happen?"

Castle took a deep breath. He knew this would come up. Before it was still too fresh for them to talk and the boys used their good judgment to talk about anything but the heartbreak they witnessed from both sides.

"I'll be honest. I don't know why she did it. Her reasons were selfish and so unlike how I thought it would happen. She came over and said we were done and left. Something about how she couldn't protect me. That she'll just hurt me," his eyes roamed the room unable to find an anchor that he could shove his emotions on. Even being on a verge of a break down in front of the guys was unnerving. Thinking about that night didn't make his confusion any better. Castle's better judgment said faking it till he believed it himself was the best way to go. "What can you do though? If it's not meant to be then it's not meant to be. Things like this happen. We'll just move on and it'll be a thing of the past." He flashed his smile and forced his eyes to light up as if he had moved on. As if he could move on as easy as he was trying to make it sound.

The boys changed the subject again and they were on to other lighter things.

"So when's that next book out? You said you were putting one more out." Ryan, the overeager fan, asked.

"Actually that is another reason I came back. Finally got it into print and I'll be having a release party in a couple weeks. You guys are welcome of course." Castle looked at them both hoping they'd reply with an affirmative.

"We'll definitely try, bro. You know we love those little cream cheese appetizer things you had last time." Esposito's response was as good as Castle was going to get he realized.

Castle gulped down the rest of his drink. He looked around the moderately filled bar. The buzz in his head felt good. It was at that perfect spot where he could detach himself from his thoughts and just relax. He looked at his two old friends realizing if it weren't for her, they might have probably never met. He smiled at the two and made a decision to make this a regular thing. He could still keep track of her right? He did it for over five years before, it's more a habit to him anyways.

While his mind was still buzzing he thought about the night he always tries to avoid when he's drunk; it always made him the depressing angry drunk. She left without a good excuse. That's what killed him. She'd had doubts at first about how they really are together but she got over that. At least that's what it seemed like.

"Well boys, I ought to hit the road." When the boys started to complain Castle just responded with a "Late nights are a thing of the past for me." They nodded in agreement to that.

"We might as well call it a night too. Work is harder when you have a wild night." Esposito got to his feet and pulled on his jacket and turned to the writer with his hand extended for a shake. "Don't be afraid to call us. It was a long year without you."

Castle took his hand and shook it. "It won't be that long again. I promise. I'll call soon. And you guys make some time and come to that party. I'll order those appetizers by the thousands as long as you make it."

His bribe was well received and the three strolled out of the bar to find their rides home. When they said their farewells, Castle jumped into a taxi and gave his address. His mind drifted as it always did and he remembered how he used to take her home in a cab after a few drinks.

'_She always took pride in how well she held her liquor. But when it came to him, she seemed to always let it slip. It seemed to be only when it was just the two of them that she would relax in public after a few drinks. The kind of relaxed he only saw within the four walls of their private homes. This one night though, they were happy because a tough case came to as happy of a conclusion as one could find when two people were murdered by a jealous lover. It was a simple ending to a more complex case than they'd like to have. They sat on the same side of the booth and when she would laugh at one of his insanely cheesy jokes her head would touch his shoulder sometimes or her hands would land on his arm or his leg. It made the jokes come more often and after a while the contact was constant and that's when he decided taking her home was his best option. Sitting in the back of that cab, she giggled and teased him over nonsense things that didn't make sense but it kept the fit of laughter coming. He would put his arm around her and kiss her forehead as she tried to explain her drunk train of thought. When they arrived at her apartment, he wouldn't let her stand on her own the whole way up, just reveling in the contact that a year ago seemed to be just a distance want. When she told him she could walk on her own, he would shake his head and say that she was too drunk to know what she was talking about. He led her right to her door, unlocked it and took off their jackets. Before she could pull him into her bedroom, he stopped her. In her dark living room he framed her face with his hands and kissed her gently. The hum that he got from her was more than enough to give her permission to precede. "I love you" was breathed from him and she seemed to sober up at his words. Every time he said those words he was scared she'd respond with a semi-permanent wall that went up, but this time she responded with a kiss that said it all. He realized that he never needed to hear her response if that was what he got in return. She pulled back with a brilliant smile on her face and pulled him backwards towards her room."_

"Here ya go buddy." The cabby interrupted his thought process.

Castle wordlessly handed him the bills and lurched out of the car. _'Move on. You're moving on. You had time to grieve, now move on.'_ Thoughts like those shouldn't happen as often as they did after a year. When he made it to his front door, he closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against it. As soon as he stepped across the threshold he would be alone in an empty bed once again.

He looked at the door that in one moment in his life had opened to her, drenched from the rain and asking for a chance. He needed to get a new door.

_**One year ago…**_

Her car door slams shut as she sits outside his apartment. The tears had stopped momentarily as she walked away from him but now as Kate sat in the security of her car she let out a single sob and felt her body shake as she broke down. Her head fell against the steering wheel as she let herself become overwhelmed with a sense of loss.

'_This wasn't supposed to happen,' _

'_I should go back up and fix this. We could protect each other.'_

But instead her phone rings. She looks down at it and sees the private number come up. For the second she sees it, fury replaces her grief and she wipes her face of the tears before picking up the phone.

"What." She says it with ferocity.

"I take it it's done."

"Yeah. Anything else I can help you with while we're negotiating?"

The deep chuckle on the other end made the anger she felt increase by tenfold. "No Detective. That will be all. Remember, any more contact with him and we will follow through on our promise."

And with that he hung up. She looked down at her phone and back at the apartment she's spent happy times in. _'It's for the best.'_

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**a/n: i wanted to throw a twist in there because their break up hopefully will make more sense now. idk. i'm trying it out.**

**thoughts?**


	7. Chapter 7

**a/n: so i haven't had much inspiration. sorry it's been forever but i felt like i messed up with the story. but here i think i turned it into what i wanted.**

**this one is quite lengthy. **

**disclaimer: good thing it isn't mine**

* * *

His hands felt clumsy trying to put the tie on right. It never went through the loop right and when he tried to straighten it, it was a miserable fail. For some reason he picked up some kind of OCD habit where his tie had to be straight or his whole night felt off. No, not OCD it was a superstition. If his tie was not to his satisfaction, his "mojo" was completely off. The charm looked more desperate and his words came out jumbled. If Castle could not get it right, then Alexis could. Of course, his timing was horrible: she was tied down with some extra project that she was doing that Castle couldn't remember he just knew she was excited about it. That's all that really matters anyways to Castle. He'll just find a way to make sure his superstition doesn't mess with his head.

Castle feels the frustration set in as he grunts and restarts the process of tying when two feminine hands grasp his upper arms and turn him around. A sense of deja vu settles over him and for the first time in a few weeks, Castle relaxes into a daydream.

_'Only her hands appeared at first. Slowly claiming his shoulders as he fumbled with his knot. An exasperated sigh coming out as he once again yanked the end out to restart. Her head appeared next and the hands slowly took the place of his around the fabric. His shoulders slump and his hands fall loosely to the side feigning defeat. "You never ask for help." She's teasing. "I figured if I play damsel in distress long enough, someone will save me." He finds her eyes in the mirror. The hazel shade of determination and focus on the task at hand, glancing up only for a second to meet his, then returning to her work has him trapped in that never ending wonderment of what makes the detective into a totally new persona. Dexterous hands make the task look so simple and mundane. She's done within a few seconds and draws her hands up to his shoulders where she massages the knots at the top. "Your superstitions go to ridiculous lengths sometimes, you know that right?" Her eyes lock on his as Castle turns in her arms and he knows she may say that his superstitions and conspiracy theories are unfounded but she'd never tell him to stop. "Being superstitious is not a choice, it's a burden. I can't help it if my tie makes me the man ladies swoon over." "Let me guess: It's your cross to bear." He sees the laughter caught in her throat as she tries to give a look that says so much. "See? This is why I have you around. You understand the weight of the world on my shoulder." Their grins match each other. "I was wondering why you kept me here." _

His daydream ends right before he leans into kiss her because right now, the one helping him with his tie seems just as clumsy as him but at least she is getting the job done. His tie is set straighter than he could have done. The eyes that he meets are gorgeous nonetheless. But they are not the hazel shade he's used to.

"This is why _I_ decided to pick _you _up. You just have to be the diva in this relationship," Laura grinned out in a soft dallying manner.

"I've heard it's hereditary." Castle responds back. He's expecting a back and forth, flirty banter that usually accompanies quips like this, but the disappointment he feels when she says, "Let's go" makes his shoulders sag even lower than before. He reminds himself to breath, accept the difference that has taken over his life, and walk out the front door.

* * *

It was a few weeks after he saw the boys that Castle finally had his book party for the new release, "Dead Heat." Gina was a bit happier than six plus years ago when he put his last golden character into the ground; at least he had the courtesy of giving his characters the happy ending he thought he was going to have. The temptation to kill off one or maybe even make it a Romeo and Juliette type ending went out the door when he realized he had always written his fantasy through Nikki and Rook, why not end it that way. When she read the ending, maybe it'd prove to her that he had some type of closure. _'Haha closure, what a joke.'_

The boys said they'd try extra hard to make it seeing as how it was on their side of town and they didn't have much to do besides the paper work that "Emmitt" couldn't do. He cringed at their omission of her name. He thought of her, yes, but it was never by name. Calling her by name made his heart clench and his body seize up for seemingly endless minutes. It was as if the wind got knocked out of him every time and there is nothing good about that. So, it wasn't fair to Emmitt to get all the paper work. They were a team after all.

As the party got started, he realized more and more that they were going to ask about her. These people had no clue that he had fallen in love and got his heart broken by the now former muse. Now he had to prepare himself for her name, her constant mentioning, and the questions of why the ending of the series even happened.

Castle glanced to his left as he felt a presence on his arm. Laura handed him his drink as she resumed his place at his side. She was a few inches shorter than him in heels, her brown hair was shoulder length and straight when she let it down and her eyes were a pretty hazel that at times seemed to change to a bluer color. For the party she dressed in a black strapless cocktail dressed that seemed to be made out of silk fabric, he wasn't quite sure, but it looked smooth to touch and he smiled at the notion that maybe things are going to turn around for him. Maybe with Laura, maybe not but at least he feels something other than what has dragged him down the last year.

As the party started, a few drinks came Castle's way and the buzz started. Paula seemed to be monitoring him pretty close tonight. He was fine with that; it was understandable seeing as the party before this there had to be constant mediating between a drunken writer and few reporters that snuck in to ask questions all too personal for the liking. However, it also made it like a game: how much could he drink before she caught him. It made the party more enjoyable for him. Laura hung on his arm seemingly all night. This he wasn't as fine with and this is why he second-guessed his whole "relationship" with the woman. She was good company and (for less of better words) a good distraction, but when it came to going out, it was as if she was showing him off to the world. If anything, Castle would much rather have it the other way around. He'd much rather show off his date. Right now, he'd much rather have his space to converse with some of his old friends and supporters without having to include her in the conversation.

As the party started winding down, Castle was getting more and more disappointed that the boys might not show up. He looked at his watch and saw 10 o'clock. Figuring that they must have caught a case or paper work was brutal or something he went to find Paula to see if things were well enough for him to leave. That's when he heard some commotion towards the door. Turning, he saw his old partners trying to get past the small security that was at the door.

Running towards them, Castle gave the guards the all clear. "They're with me." He smiled as he waved them over.

"Hey Castle, sorry we're late. We gave some help on Karpowski's case and just finished up," Ryan spoke as he got a pat on the back in greeting from the writer.

"No problem, I'm just glad you guys made it at all," Castle said with a relieved breath. He looked over to his crowded left shoulder wondering why he felt continually suffocated when he heard the clearing of a throat and he finds Laura, still smothering him as he speaks to his friends. '_Rude.'_

"You gonna introduce me Rick?" she says. _'Of course she says that, they always say that.' _

"Uh.. yeah. Laura, these are my friends Kevin Ryan and Javier Esposito. I worked with them for the Heat novels. Guys, this is my… date… Laura."

An exchange of "nice to meet you" was exchanged between the three and Castle saw his chance to finally get her to maybe make herself scarce. "Mind if I just catch up with the boys in the back? You can help yourself to the bar."

He waited for her hesitant nod before he hustled the boys into a corner booth.

"I am so glad you guys made it. I was about to call it an early night if you didn't."

"Who are we to turn down free drinks?" Ryan chuckled as he accepted a round of beers from the waiter that appeared. "Especially after a day like today."

"Mmm, this is just what I needed," said Esposito after taking a gulp of his drink.

"So! Tell me about the case! Was it anything I would've liked?" Castle sat up in the booth and leaned towards the partners knowing they would play it up just for him.

"Don't get too excited, it was just my favorite Jack killed Bill because of Jill kind of thing," Esposito stated nonchalantly.

"Excuse me gentlemen," Castle jumped at the intrusion as he turned to see Paula standing in front of their table. "Rick, your car is here. You leaving or are you actually going to stay up past your bed time?"

"Just tell him I'll be a little while," Castle said turning his attention back to the boys. "On second thought see if Laura wants to go home. She can take the car and I'll catch a cab or something."

"Why do I have to tell her? I'm not telling your little whatever she is that you're not giving her a ride home. You do that yourself."

"Paula, just tell her. If she wants to say bye she can come over here. Otherwise tell her I'll call her later."

"Suit yourself. I'm just gonna say, this won't be a point in the win column if you plan on moving things any further with this chick."

"Thanks for the advice. I believe I'm doing just fine. Now if you don't mind," Castle turned back to his friends as Paula turned in what seemed as mild disappointment to tell his date the news.

"Sorry, you guys were talking about the case?"

"Oh come on Javi, don't act like how he died wasn't cool," Ryan said turning to the other detective next to him.

Castle jumped right on that little bit of info. "Tell me! Please guys! I'm struggling for some inspiration here. How'd he die?" The eagerness in the writer was brimming at the edges.

"Okay fine. We found him near the park tied…" **BOOOOM! **

What Castle felt last was the shaking of the bar, the vinyl of the booth seat and then nothing.

* * *

**pretty happy how i did this. if i get some good response i'll probably get good inspiration with it too. if not i have an idea for another fic.**

**so... thoughts?**


	8. Chapter 8

**a/n: so Castle just stayed in my brain while Beckett hid. but she'll be back soon. sorry this is so short.**

* * *

Brown curls.

Waves.

Bright sunlight.

A slow kiss. A warm embrace.

Soft eyes into a glowing smile.

Slight breeze carrying her scent.

God, it felt good. He was never going to leave.

Castle. Oh, the way she said it was just right. He felt that smile against his. It's been so long. Too long.

Castle. It's suddenly just complete darkness. He can't see or feel her anymore. _Stop._

Castle? The dark world around him fills with smoke as a fire starts right in front of him. _What the hell?_

_I'm dreaming._

"Castle!" His eyes fly wide open to see scrunched eyes in front of his face and a mouth gaping open coming towards his own. Esposito standing above him. And by the looks of it about to give him mouth to mouth.

"Esposito!" The Hispanic man jumped back as the writer's hands flew to his own face to protect himself. "Did you just try to kiss me?"

"No man! I was not trying to… I was trying… you were out! I didn't know what else to do!" the detective was exasperated trying to get away from the writer. "I just saved your life. You should be thanking me."

Castle looked around the area to a much darker and smokier bar. Castle was still lying on his side of the booth while the table was shoved off to the side as so Esposito could "save" him easier.

"Espo. How long was I out for?"

"Probably not even half a minute. Ryan called it in. Looks like it might've been a car bomb. Just sit up and stay right here we're gonna meet the crew outside." Esposito helped Castle into a sitting position against the wall.

"Who's car was it?" he had an idea but he wanted to know for sure.

"Don't know but the sooner we get out of here the sooner we'll have a better idea." Ryan spoke this time as he finally made his presence known at the front end of the booth. Esposito took the lead out of the hazy building helping people along the way. Making sure to note anybody in need of assistance out of the building.

"Looks like we have some help outside already," notes Ryan as they finally make their exit out of the building.

Castle sees the burnt and destroyed town car in the middle of the block being tended to by the firefighters. He cringes when he sees the few burnt bodies on the ground. Only his imagination can supply what mess is lying inside the car. This wasn't an accident, but that was the obvious fact to point out. He feels all the alcohol and what little bit of hors d'oeuvre he had that night threaten to rise in his throat from the smell and thought of everything. People are screaming and he's not really sure what's happening anymore because he's at this stand still. Everything around him is moving and he's completely in the way.

That's when her name pulls him out his pause. Just a short burst from Ryan's mouth to signal her to where they are. _No no no please no. _He's pleading with himself and he doesn't know why. Scratch that he does know why. As soon as he sees her again as soon as they speak, she'll send him right back to square one. He'll realize that he won't ever fully move on. He'll never be okay again.

But his mind doesn't control his body anymore. As much as he tells himself to stop, his heart is the one that always pulls him in her direction. His heart is the one that won't shut up about her; not his intellect, not his conscience. His being turns in the direction that Ryan called toward. His eyes hopelessly searching for a glimpse of anything. He's not even sure what she looks like any more. Is her hair still those long, luscious waves that he loved to touch in the morning? Is that smile going to beam out at him like he had made her do oh so long ago? How is he even going to react? In anger is how he should act.

And then, there she is. His eyes fixate on the glowing hair that's so much longer than when he last saw her. Her eyes seem the same shade of dark though as when he last saw them. Her eyes. They're staring right back at his and he's pretty sure, legally and medically, he's dead. The heart in his chest stopped beating after he heard her name and it has yet to start back up again. The heart that she still hasn't given back to him. But he can feel the rest of his body. There is an anger that slowly unfurls in the lower half of his body, rising from his toes. It completely paralyzes him. The shock meets his body half way down in the lower pit of his stomach. He wants to run. Away. To her. He's not sure any more. But the thought of running sounds nice. And possibly vomiting. The earlier feeling from seeing the scene hasn't gone away yet.

It all comes flooding back to him. The images he had when he was knocked out moments ago. It seemed to go by in a blur but they all lasted long enough to feel real. He couldn't tell if they were memories or just dreams. Maybe a little of both. The realization of having those dreams only worsen the clenching in his chest. If his heart was planning on beating anytime soon, he just put off that plan a little longer.

He can see the wary approach she takes now that they've seen each other. Her body language is fighting to stay professional. Her face doesn't show that. She looks… scared. Sad too but scared. And that confuses him. She's not supposed to be scared. She's supposed to be confident. The sight of him shouldn't scare her. It shouldn't even faze her. It shouldn't even matter to her that here he is once again luring in the unwanted act of death and darkness. The look she has on her face should be the usual pissed off at him for standing right in the middle of chaos.

But with all this analyzing and thinking, here she is again. Standing a little farther than arm's length away from him in that burnt orange jacket that he knows she only wears once in a blue moon when she needs to take a break from her other no nonsense jackets. The one that she wears when she isn't trying to stand out but she isn't trying to hide either. Because that's who she is; a contradiction. A complicated mess that used to be all his to clean up. One that he was happy to clean up.

But when she utters the first words, they come out strained, hesitant, and unknowing if it's even the best start to what has been a year of silence between the two. It's scared too and that is still confusing as hell to him. Who is he kidding? What else is there to say when it's been that long? _I missed you._

"Hey, Castle." _Thump-thump._

* * *

**so i hate going back through my stories but let me know if you felt anything. let me know what you felt period.**

**also, show some love for Beckett's jacket. i'm thinking of buying some myself**


End file.
