Bleach 1. Chapter 1: Orders

**6 years ago, the Winter War was finished and Aizen died for good. Toushiro and Karin have become best friends but for three years, he has had no contact with her. Sent back to the human world on a mission for a shinigami that shouldn't exist, he finds a broken shell of the girl he knew. As he learns exactly what happened to her, he knows that he is partly to blame and realises for the first time how quick true happiness can be shattered and that you don't always get a second chance at life. Having sworn to help her, he finds himself in a decision that will mean killing the girl he loves or sacrificing the worlds he swore to protect.**

**Disclaimer: Never have, unfortunately never will own Bleach.**

**This is a re-upload of the first chapter, it is exactly the same but I have fixed spelling errors etc :)**

Chapter 1: Orders

Hitsugaya Toushiro was walking along the wooden path back to his quarters when his fukutaicho came running up behind him, nearly knocking him out with her more than ample chest.

"Taicho!"

"Yes Matsumoto what is it?" he continued to walk as she fell into step beside him. It had been a particularly long day of paperwork and all he wanted to do was go and collapse on his bed.

"Your presence is required at an emergency captains meeting immediately." He groaned internally- he had been so looking forward to just going home to sleep without interruptions. It seemed that tonight, he wasn't going to get what he wanted

"Do you know what this is about Matsumoto?" I f anyone knew it would be her, Hitsugaya had always marvelled at her unfathomable ability to know everything that was happening in Seireitei.

"Not for sure Taicho, but my best guess would be the increase in Menos crossings within the last two months"

Hitsugaya sighed. Emergency meetings weren't so much of an emergency now that Aizen was dead and the war was over.

"But why? They've all been taken care of by Kurosaki- it's obviously something he can easily handle. There have only been two reported injuries from the first attack, so why the meeting now?" Hitsugaya sighed again and turned to his lieutenant, stopping abruptly "Thankyou Rangiku- you can go home for the night"

"Yay, thanks Taicho!" She sang and whirled off skipping away

_Most likely to demolish an entire years supply of sake with Kyouraku Taicho _he thought dryly, watching her make her way to eighth barracks

"Well better get this over with." he muttered to himself and shunpoed off to 1st squad.

* * *

As Hitsugaya walked through the doors into the meeting room, twelve heads turned to watch him take his place in line. He had always found it slightly unnerving, the way eyes would fall on him. Being the youngest Taicho, there were always those nay-sayers who doubted him. Him being tiny hadn't helped either, though at least now his body had decided to grow, making him a good 5'11- a fact he was ever-so -slightly smug about. He smirked a little, he enjoyed teasing his sister Momo about the fact he now towered over her. Or at least he _would_ enjoy it if she ever woke up again...

The brief smirk faded as quickly as it had come as his thoughts became dark mutterings, incomprehensible in his hate for the man that had fucked up everything.

"Thankyou for finally joining us Hitsugaya Taicho." Hitsugaya flushed slightly and bowed stiffly to the Soutaicho, pulled quickly from the emotions in the back of his mind that he could never quite escape. "Now that we are all assembled we can begin the meeting. As you all know, Menos appearances have increased within the human world during the last four months with a total of fifteen sightings. So far central 46 has determined it unnecessary to send a mission out due to their quick dispatch rate. However it has been discovered that Kurosaki Ichigo has not used his shinigami powers since the first attack."

At this statement several of the captains gasped. Komamura growled slightly, Shunsui raised his hat from over his eyes and the normally expressionless Byakuya's eyes widened slightly. Hitsugaya felt a feeling of uneasiness settle in his stomach and his hand went to rest on Hyourinmaru slightly, as if to reassure himself it was still there.

"Do you mean to say Soutaicho, that there has been an unauthorised shinigami entrance into the human world?" Ukitake knitted his eyebrows together as he tried to understand the meaning behind the Soutaichos grave words.

"No Ukitake Taicho, I mean that there is a source of reiatsu unknown to soul society dispatching Menos. What is more unsettling is the fact that it only appears in the presence of Menos, not general hollows. This is no rogue shinigami, this is someone with spiritual pressure higher than a captains and no idea what to do or how to control their power."

"How did we not discover this earlier? Surely research and development should have noticed the reiatsu readings before now." This came from Soi Fon who was glaring at Mayuri.

"The reiatsu readings were too similar in power level to Kurosaki's- our computers showed no anomaly."

"Excuse me for interrupting," Hitsugaya spoke out, cutting off the two captains who were on the edge of having a full blown shouting match "but if they readings were recorded as no different for the past four months, what has brought on the sudden change in status?"

"The levels have unfortunately risen past the boundaries of Kurosaki Chico's and at its current level, it would be impossible for him to reach that amount of power without dying in the progress. The power keeps growing every time a Menos is purified. The reasons are unknown" Mayuri spoke in an excited tone and Hitsugaya felt his annoyance peak. He hated Mayuri's attitude toward everything- he couldn't care less about Seireitei, he only stayed because it meant he could carry out his inhumane and quite frankly insane experiments. He was on the verge of saying something very similar out loud when Yamamoto spoke

"Hitsugaya Taicho."

"Yes sir?" He turned to face the Soutaicho with an expression of confusion

"You are the Taicho with the most knowledge of the human world; therefore you shall lead a team on a mission into Karakura Town with one ultimate aim- find and destroy the anomaly. You leave tomorrow with your fukutaicho and a member of Research and Development. You have one month with which to complete the mission. When you leave this room, the full summary of your orders shall be in your office, along with the scientist assigned to you. This mission is of the utmost importance and you must succeed. Do you accept?"

Hitsugaya stiffened slightly

_Do I have a choice?_

Going to the human world meant he would have to spend a whole month putting up with Ichigo "Of course Sir. I shall inform my lieutenant immediately." He bowed toward the Soutaicho who nodded and dismissed him. Hitsugaya walked out without another word, throwing a glare at Mayuri who had been noticeably disappointed when Hitsugaya was told to destroy the new occurrence in Karakura. Ukitake turned to the Soutaicho with a frown after he left

"Sir, are you sure he can handle this? After all, the war with Aizen and the... situation with Hinamori Momo... well I don't think he has ever quite recovered."

"Your concern is touching Ukitake Taicho; however he is the only one with adequate knowledge of the human world to keep this assignment from failing. This is no new species of being; it is a well integrated human who is somehow very adept at hiding their spiritual pressure when not in shinigami form. It isn't a case of whether he is the same as he was before the war Ukitake Taicho- none of us are and if that fact depends upon our ability to carry out missions then by now, the hollows would have overrun the human world. He is a captain of the Gotei 13 and has a duty he must put above his own personal recovery. We all must put duty above ourselves, that is the sacrifice of a captain."

"Yes sir." Ukitake bowed toward the Soutaicho and all were dismissed.

As he followed the rest out, Ukitake could not ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach

_Hitsugaya has already sacrificed that. He went to Hueco Mundo and killed Aizen, nearly killing himself in the progress. He had no qualms about being the first into the fray, paying no thought to the fact he may die. It was his duty and that was all he needed to know. But there are only so many times you can ask that of a man. Keep pushing and he'll lose himself._

Hitsugaya walked toward his office alone, his previous tiredness had only increased. Consumed in thoughts about the mission, he barely noticed his surroundings.

_Ichigo was never one to let someone else take over doing shinigami work. Normally, he would have chased the new soul reaper away with one Bankai. Which means he's either dead or something extremely suspicious is going on. The Ichigo I know would have died before letting an untrusted stranger kill Menos. And what's with the selective purification? It just doesn't make sense!_

As he entered the room, he saw a woman sitting down at Matsumotos desk, staring at the wood.

"Um... Hello?" He said when she didn't look up. At the sound of his voice, her head came up and she blinked in surprise.

"Oh! Hitsugaya Taicho, I'm sorry I was busy looking at your lieutenant's desk. I didn't notice when you came in" She promptly stood up and bowed to him

"Yes I can see just how absorbed you were" His eyebrow lifted as he spoke "and you are who exactly?" He knew he was being slightly rude but his sleep deprived brain couldn't really care at the minute

"I'm Suzuki Uotana. Assisstant Deputy Head of Research and Development under Fukutaicho Nemu of course, fourth seat of twelfth squad and the only member with enough experience of the physical world along with good enough fighting skills to be able to carry out this mission."

"Um... right, excellent." He'd really only wanted her name and the long explanation was slightly more than he cared to process in his mind. "Well report here tomorrow at eight and I'll run through the brief with you and Fukutaicho Matsumoto."

"Yes sir." With that she bowed again and left, tripping over her own feet as she went.

"Are you OK?" he went over to her and helped her up.

"Yes, yes I'm fine! Thankyou." She managed to squeak out the words through her embarrassment, which was showing plainly on her face. Her face that now resembled an extremely red tomato. She ran out of the office to escape her mortification, only to trip once again when she was out the door.

Hitsugaya just stared after her, not entirely sure what had just happened. Sighing, he turned to his desk and opened the mission statement.

"Right so I have to find out why the increase in Menos is occurring, stop the increase in Menos crossings, find out who the anomaly is, apprehend said anomaly and report status back to Souls Society. Then kill said anomaly when official order is given. Simple." He tossed the paper onto his desk and called a hell butterfly.

"Message for Matsumoto Rangiku from Hitsugaya Taicho as follows. Sober up and get down to the barracks now, we've got a mission to the human world of importance starting tomorrow for one month. You need the details so I don't care how drunk you are or exactly what a similarly intoxicated Fukutaicho Abarai did, get over here now. Or I will get rid of all the sake you have. Even the secret stash under the floor in the office that you think I don't know about." With that the butterfly flew away to find his fukutaicho. 30 seconds later Hitsugaya heard her scream out loud.

"5...4...3...2...1...0" Right on cue, a very sober Matsumoto came rushing through the office door and immediately lifted up the floorboards, withdrawing ten or so bottles from the hole she had made specifically for hiding her drink.

"Taicho, you're no fun" she moaned "where I am I supposed to hide my sake now." she dumped them onto her desk then flounced onto the couch sitting with her arms and legs crossed and a huge pout on her face. He closed his eyes and rubbed his temples in frustration, saying in a forcefully calm voice.

"That is none of my concern Rangiku, right now we have a mission to Karakura Town. A mission that if we fail, could possibly mean the end of soul society." At the last comment he opened his eyes and stared straight into hers. A moment of grim understanding passed between the two and he saw a streak of sober determination settle in her blue irises.

"Well I guess we better not fail then." He nodded curtly and launched into an explanation of their task, the two discussing strategies late into the night.

* * *

Hitsugaya stumbled through his front door and collapsed onto his futon, barely remembering to shut the door behind him. His mind was swirling with the information and despite how tired he was, sleep would not come. He just lay face down and groaned into his pillow, knowing it was going to be a long night of tossing and turning unless... He sighed_. Guess I have no choice. Damn I was hoping I could use it for blackmailing her into doing paperwork. Oh well._ He stumbled to his feet, running a hand through his hair and then down his face, rubbing his eyes. He went to his wardrobe and pulled out three things. He took off his uniform and changed into the white t-shirt and blue boxers he had pulled out, dropping his discarded on the floor of his wardrobe while trying to hang it up. He stared at it for a couple of seconds, not really understanding why it was on the floor and as another wave of exhaustion crashed through him he found he didn't care so he turned away.

**Tut tut. The neat freak Hitsugaya leaving clothes on the **_**floor?**_** What is the world coming too?**

_Oh shut up. _Hitsugaya growled in his mind. Why did he have to get the most sarcastic zanpakuto out there? He sat down on the futon and cracked the seal on the bottle of sake in front of him. He had found one day, through no fault of his own he should add, that half a bottle of sake was enough to put him out cold for a good 10 hours. He smiled a little ruefully as he remembered the day Matsumoto and the rest of the fukutaicho got so drunk they decided it would be fun to kidnap a taicho and get them wasted.

_(Flashback)_

Matsumoto had volunteered him for a task and as he was going back to his house he had seen Rukia slumped on the path, playing dead (he hadn't known at the time of course- he'd thought she was unconscious). While his guard was down as he tried to help the small shinigami, Renji and Shuuhei had crept up behind him and grabbed his arms while Matsumoto slurred through an explanation of what they were going to do. He didn't get much from it though because she could barely form the words with her mouth. Rukia who had by now gotten up (with great difficulty considering she was the drunkest of them all) and, giggling hysterically, put her hand on his nose, making him open his mouth to breathe.

"What the hell is going on here?" He yelled at his steadily advancing fukutaicho who had a sake bottle in her hand.

"Nothin... Taaaisho. Don't beea killboy... joy... boy. Funny word that." She started laughing as well, and as the sake bottle came closer to his lips, he began to struggle in the two intoxicated fukutaicho's grip. However, even when drunk, both of them together were stronger than him alone.

"Rangiku, I swear if you carry on you will be doing paperwork until you're a thousand!"

"Awww... Taisho's s'no fun" She sang, her eyes unfocused and focused again and again. She rammed the bottle into his cheek, and giggled at her mistake. She narrowed her eyes and stuck her tongue out in concentration but still couldn't get it in his mouth. Hitsugaya stopped struggling and raised an eyebrow as she tried, in vain, to line it up with his mouth again, missing completely and nearly braining Shuuhei in the process.

"Let me do it" Hitsugaya stared in horror as a pink haired head popped up in front of him. "Hi whitey-chan!" Yachiru's face was in a huge grin as she took the sake bottle from a hysterical Matsumoto who was on her hands and knees in a laughing fit.

"You got Kenpachi's fukutaicho _drunk_ Matsumoto?" Kenpachi was going to skin her alive. And then him. And then potentially the rest of Seireitei.

"Nope" she said happily. Hitsugaya's relief was short lived as dread settled in his stomach.

"She gave you sweets right?" He was afraid of the answer. A drunken Yachiru would be awful. But a Yachiru with sweets was a horror he had to live through far too often.

"Yep! Now drink up whitey chan!" So saying, she shoved it into his mouth and forced him to drink. It burned down his throat and as he was forced to swallow more, his vision swam, eventually darkened and then went completely as he became unconscious. Yachiru took the bottle out of his mouth as his head dropped back, no longer responsive.

"Whitey-chan?" Renji and Shuuhei dropped him unceremoniously on the floor and he slumped onto the pavement. Yachiru stood on his chest and inspected him.

"Yep. Just as I thought. We killed Whitey- chan" She nodded seriously and sat down on him, crossing her legs, ignoring the fact she could feel him breathing underneath him. Matsumoto sat back on her knees and sobbed for her little 'Snow Taicho' and Shuuhei patted her shoulder while mumbling the words to 'another one bites the dust' by Queen. Renji and Rukia were fighting, both utterly oblivious to Hitsugaya's predicament and Yachiru watched with avid attention as Renji got utterly defeated like always.

Hitsugaya had woken up the next morning in Squad 4 with a concussion and a bad mood. Surprisingly no hangover though which meant it was all the easier to shout at Matsumoto the entire day. However his threat of making her do paperwork until she was a thousand came to nothing; despite how hard he tried, even considering chaining her to her desk a couple times.

_(Back Again)_

He sighed and lifted the bottle to his mouth, too tired to get a glass. Trying to ignore the sharp, overpowering taste, he grimaced slightly. He hated sake- always preferring to drink wine so he only ever drank it as a last resort. It started to take effect and as he rolled back on his pillows into oblivion, a small smile briefly passed his lips at his last coherent thought.

_Karin's going to kill herself laughing when she hears about that__. _

**Right, so that was chapter 1 of **_**It's called the end for a reason**_**. Please review- I'd love to know what you guys think It will get to Karin later- promise, but I hope you all liked Hitsugaya here :)**

**Rose :)**


	2. Chapter 2: Silent Listener

6 years ago, the Winter War was finished and Aizen died for good. Toushiro and Karin have become best friends but for three years, he has had no contact with her. Sent back to the human world on a mission for a shinigami that shouldn't exist, he finds a broken shell of the girl he knew. As he learns exactly what happened to her, he knows that he is partly to blame and realises for the first time how quick true happiness can be shattered and that you don't always get a second chance at life. Having sworn to help her, he finds himself in a decision that means killing the girl he loves or sacrificing the worlds he swore to protect.

**Ok chapter 2- A few things about this chapter…**

**Last time I said the Menos attacks started two months ago- that is a mistype it is supposed to be four months ago, sorry about the confusion but otherwise our lovely little time line doesn't really work.**

**Hinamori never woke up and she is still comatose.**

**Toushiro and Hinamori are brother and sister relationship, not a lover relationship because I actually kinda like her character and I don't want to write her brokenhearted**

**The bit after Toushiro walks out of fourth division is Hinamori's thoughts**

**The very beginning bit is not Hinamori, you'll find out who that is later if you haven't already guessed**

**This is a re-upload like chapter one with fixed stuff- same story, better spelling :)**

**Anywho please read and review :D**

* * *

Chapter 2: The silent listener

Do you know how it feels to be ripped apart again and again? Do you know how it feels for your family to leave you one by one? When you desperately try to hold on, you lose them faster. Do you know how it feels to have your heart ripped apart not once, twice but _four_ times? Am I cursed? Did I do something in a past life that justifies the loneliness and despair that are now my only companions? Sometimes I hear her laughing, see her disappear around a corner, and I'm running, knocking people out of the way in my desperation to see her face one more time. But there's nothing there. It's my imagination and the people around me are averting their eyes. They all know who I am, the girl who lost them all, one by one. I can see they wonder if I'm sane. Well, you and me both my friends.

The pain never goes, whatever people say. It doesn't fade with time; people just get better at hiding it. Pushing it deep down so they don't have to face it ever again. No matter how deep I push it, I can still feel it. The raw, jagged edges of the truth that cut my insides to pieces _over_ and _over_ again. I just want it to stop. I don't care how, I don't care if I have to forget that I ever knew them, I don't care if I have to sell my soul. _I don't care_. Not anymore.

I'm kneeling in front of the cold blocks of stone. The useless words on them mean _nothing_. The useless words coming from my mouth mean _nothing_. Because they're still gone whatever I say. No more dreams of being happy, no more hopes of living life, always together even when we're separated by where our feet take us. Because that's all a stupid façade that we built to shelter us from reality. The reality that is now, all too clear to me. The crystalline drops that are choking my heart inside wont fall no matter how I yearn to let them go. Irony is cruel. Before all this, I would squeeze my eyes tight, willing the water I saw as a weakness to never fall from them. Before all this, I_ wouldn't_ cry. Now I _can't_ cry.

Why did you all leave me?

* * *

Hitsugaya dropped the last batch of completed paperwork into the out tray on his desk with a very satisfactory *thump* that could only come from the knowledge he wouldn't have to pick up a brush for the next month or so. He let out a contented sigh, leaning back in his chair and releasing the tension in his body. He quickly glanced at the clock. 4:45 pm. They were leaving at 6 tonight and Hitsugaya relaxed, just letting the peace of the moment and the anticipation of going back to see Karin take over his body. His eyes closed and a slight smile appeared on his face as he let the memories of all the good times he had had with her, wash over him.

_**A soccer game in the snow, her scarf flying behind her as she took the ball from him. Her laughing face turning around to him as she scored again, jumping on his back in her victory and ordering him to carry her to the ice cream place for celebratory sundaes. Him refusing while she pouted and put on puppy dog eyes. Her evil smile as she lifted him onto her back and carried him all the way until he stood in the ice cream shop, mortified at the debacle. **_

_**An entire night sitting on the roof watching the stars. Him arguing about the constellations, her looking on, deliberately teasing him. Him tickling her in revenge until she was breathless from laughter. She nearly fell off the roof, with him catching her in his arms, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. The both of them falling asleep in that position until the sun came up. **_

_**Him telling her about Matsumoto's aversion to paperwork, her telling him funny stories about when she was a kid. The both of them laughed over the Ramen they were sharing for hours. **_

_**Sitting together side by side on the railing, exchanging pasts and revealing their deepest, darkest fears. Him telling her about Hinamori, halfway through her hand caught his. He grabbed it as she squeezed and pulled away, keeping them together. **_

_**Two figures standing silhouetted against the sunset as he departed for another day. Her, grabbing his cell phone and quickly putting her number in. "In case of emergencies". She blushed while he ruffled her hair so she punched his arm as he turned to go. He grins as the doors close, obscuring him from view, while she waves just in time for him to see. "See ya Toush! I'll keep the soccer field empty for you!" **_

_I wonder if she'll be any different now. I guess so since humans grow at a rapid pace. Then again, who am I to talk? I grew nearly two feet in the space of six months. Spirit particles. You wait eighty years to grow an inch and then before you know it, your feet are off the end of the futon! _

He smirked. He couldn't wait to see Karin's face when she had to reach up to punch him.

_God, I have so much to tell her. After, of course she stops trying to kick my arse for not having any contact for three years. _

He was distracted from his reminiscing when a hell butterfly came fluttering through the window and alighted on his desk. Opening one eye, he fleetingly considered to pretend it wasn't there but then his overactive Taco sense of duty kicked in and he reluctantly stretched out a finger. The voice of Unhand Taicho ran clearly through his mind

_Hitsugaya Taicho, as requested I have sent you a reminder that visiting hours will end in 41 minutes and today you have yet to visit Hinamori Fukutaicho. If you are unable to come, please send this butterfly back and I can begin the kido barriers protection for the night._

In a soft voice he spoke to the black creature before him

"Unohana Taicho, thank you for reminding me as requested. I shall be over momentarily to visit her, so I would thank you for delaying the kido barrier proceedings."

With that he sent the animal on its way and stared at his desk for a moment, the giddy happiness that came with the memories he had before, now turning to a sober strength. He walked out of the room, pausing for a few seconds at the door to look at the photo on the wall. It was of Toushiro and Karin on the last day before he never came back, she was holding the camera in front of them with a huge grin on her face while he had an equally huge smirk. They each held an arm around the others shoulders and after the photo, Rangiku had come up behind them and cooed at how cute a couple they both made. She then had had to fend off double attacks from an ice dragon and a soccer ball, all the while crowing about how beautiful young love was.

Reaching out, he touched Karin's smiling face as he remembered. He missed that smile; it was the one thing that had helped carry him through all those years of war and afterwards, the years of Hinamori's continued sleep. Once, when Yuzu had her heart broken by that Jinta kid of Urahara's. Karin had gone right over there and beaten the living shit out of him. The only reason she hadn't killed him was because Urahara had bound her in kido. Only after he'd watched from the sidelines letting Karin pummel him for a while of course, the shopkeeper had a soft spot for the youngest Kurosaki and wasn't best pleased with his cocky charge. Karin wore her brother's trademark scowl for a week, the smile nowhere in sight and the memory served as a warning never to cross Karin where her sister was concerned or you'd end up in soul society permanently.

_I'll be there soon Karin. Keep the soccer field empty for me._

* * *

Beep. Beep. Beep.

The steady sound of the heart monitor was now such a familiar feeling to him; he could barely discern the difference between it and the sound of his breathing. He stared at her face. Peaceful, blank, lifeless. He covered his eyes with his hands, as if somehow, that could stop the pain inside his chest just go away. Just watching her lie there, perfectly oblivious to the outside, in her own world that for seven years had served as her reality, he felt his heart constrict with pain and his throat tighten with tears he would never let fall. Even after he had gone to Las Noches and severed Arrancar after Arrancar and Espada after Espada. Even after he lay on the battlefield beside Ichigo, barely alive and barely caring for his life. Even after he had done all that she would still not wake up. It did not matter how many times he spoke her name, it did not matter how many times he begged and pleaded her to wake up, or how many memories he spoke aloud to her unresponsive form, she never stirred. Only breathed steady breaths while sheltered in her own mind, unaware that he was suffering by her side.

"Well. I'm off." He spoke with a confidence and cheer he did not feel. His only response was the humming machines and the beep of the monitor that told him she was there. "I'll see you in a while Hinamori. I've got to go catch that non-existent shinigami." He paused, imagining her reaction. He could picture the way her eyes would fill with laughter and her eyebrows would shoot up with the ridiculousness of the statement. He gave a slight chuckle "I know. Crazy isn't it! At least I'll get to see Kurosaki. I'll say hi to her for you. She won't be able to tease me about my height anymore, so there's a plus. Unless of course she's grown to be 6 foot, something I seriously doubt. Last time I saw her, she was shorter than you!" He smiled slightly as he pictured her response. He'd probably be on his ass right now, bound after she'd kidoed him. Her face would go dark and she'd dare him to say it again. Never one to take getting beaten sitting down, he'd say it again, probably adding in the phrase super midget. She always maintained that what happened to him after that was his own fault and she was therefore not liable for her actions. Hitsugaya knew she was the only person in Seireitei who was touchier about her height than he was. However karin was the only person he would let truly beat him in anything. Of course he maintained that he had always let Karin win at soccer but the two best friends knew despite his insanely tuned reflexes, she held the upper hand when playing. He smiled. Hinamori would love Karin. They'd hit it off straight away if they meet.

_No. When they meet._ He corrected himself internally. Thinking like that would not help her. He had to keep up hope. Taking a deep breath to calm himself, he fastened a smile on his face, quickly kissing her forehead and ruffling her hair, snickering, knowing she had always hated people doing that. He took one last look at his sister and walked out the room, speaking over his shoulder, despite the fact the only other occupant in the room was unconscious Even though his voice was full of his normal arrogant affection, his expression of hopelessness was something he couldn't bear to look at her with, as if somehow, wherever her mind had taken her, she would see it.

"See you later Momo."

He walked away. Not looking back and using every ounce of self control he had to not run out of the 4th division long-term care unit and never stop.

* * *

He comes every day, even if it's just to stand outside my door. My little brother. Always the strong one, the powerful one. When I first fell into unconsciousness, he would sit here silently, waiting for me to wake up. He would just stay there all day, barely moving. He wouldn't even leave to eat. The only time he wasn't here was when Unohana Taicho threatened to forcibly remove him if he didn't go home and sleep. He didn't know that I could hear every breath he took, every shift he made in his chair.

I heard him muttering sometimes, just to himself. He doesn't know that I can hear him. He can't hear the words I want to say to him. The words I shout in my mind, willing him to understand. He feels guilty for what happened to me. He can't understand what's happening to me, why I don't wake up. It kills me. I'm the only one who knows the truth. And since I'm comatose, I can't tell them why.

Truth is, I was out of Aizen's power the moment he stabbed me. The final link connecting us broke and I was free. But when the bastard broke the link, something else crept in. Something dark and dangerous that no matter how hard I fought, I knew I would never be able to beat.

Aizen had always hated Toushiro. Had always been jealous, threatened by him. I overlooked it. My devotion to my Taicho constantly warred with my love for the white haired shinigami who, no matter how powerful he got, would always be my stubborn kid brother. Aizen knew this and Toushiro's place in my heart stopped him from taking complete control of me. That's why, after I received the fake letter, I wouldn't kill him. I _couldn't_ kill him. All those memories of eating watermelons and sunsets in Rukongai were stronger than a million Aizen's put together could ever be. That's why he hated him. Because Toushiro, the only true family I had, was able to keep me sane. Because he was proof that strength Aizen didn't have existed. It wasn't personal, the result would have been the same with anyone, Aizen cares nothing for people's identities, only how powerful they are.

Shiro and I were bonded, a bond that could only come from two people who had depended on the other for a long time. A bond that was stronger than any zanpakuto. But that bond comes at a price, hurt one, you hurt the other. So he left one last little gift to the both of us. As long as his power still existed, I can not wake up. I am trapped inside my own mind, knowing all that goes on and powerless to stop it. I had to lie here useless as he went off to war, not knowing if he would live to see the sunrise, not able to tell him to come home safe. Not able to join him in helping kill the man who had destroyed so much of their world.

He can only stand by my bed side and look down at my body, frustrated and losing hope every day. He doesn't understand. I can feel him try to reach out his reiatsu into my mind but I can't respond. He can't hope forever and I know the day that he truly gives up on me, it will break the bond, and he will have to live with the knowledge that it was his fault. In the end Aizen gets what he wants. To be stronger than the ties created between people. To be stronger then the very things that _make_ us strong. When he gives up hope, it all ends because then, they will never find what is left of Sosuke Aizen.

I know exactly what happened in the war. Toushiro gave avid accounts. I know how Toushiro battled alongside Ichigo and they killed Aizen together. I know how they were both wounded, Ichigo in a way that couldn't be healed, not even by Orihime. When he told me about the girl's fruitless efforts to heal the scar that now lay forever across his stomach, I knew why I didn't wake up the minute Aizens heart started beating. Aizen knew he would die so he transferred a little of his power into Ichigo when he stabbed him. Not enough to kill him of course, he had to make sure it would heal so Ichigo would keep his power alive. But I know that now I will never wake up, because even if they do realise it, who is going to sacrifice Ichigo Kurosaki, war hero, the man who saved millions, for Momo Hinamori, the pathetic infatuated fukutaicho who couldn't even lift her sword to save herself? No one. Not the Soutaicho, not any Taicho. Hell even I wouldn't do it! Because that is what makes sense and Toushiro may fight it at first but I know he'll realise that it would be stupid, reckless, idiotic thing to do and he is none of those things.

With that knowledge, I have lain here for six years, listening to Toushiro. I don't cry for myself anymore. My pointless existence is something I've long gotten to terms with. But I can't handle what it does to him. Every time he leaves, it's harder and harder for him to come back. His hopelessness in my condition shows a little more each time. But for three years I had hope that he might be able to stay happy. He would talk to me all the time. He visited every night. Nearly everyday, he would go to the human world and come back with such things to tell me. Despite the fact that I'm a lieutenant, I've never been on a visit to the human world, except the odd single day excursion to kill hollows. I've never had the chance to experience the place I could only imagine in my dreams. He knew of my desire to go there so he decided to go for me. Even though my face didn't show, I was always smiling inside.

As the months went on, I heard the changes in him. His words and tales revolved more and more around one person. It started to show that the reason he went was no longer for me but for her. Karin Kurosaki. At first I was resentful; the girl was taking away my brother from me. Then one day I realised just how much happier he was. One day he walked into the room and there was no pause at the door, no slight hesitation in his voice. The only thing he talked about was the Kurosaki girl. How she had been made captain of her middle school soccer team and nearly blown up the kitchen because she was microwaving the victory soup she was making still in the tin. Something that the Toushiro of two years ago, would not care about. I noticed the way he said the human girls name, as if it was something treasured. And it hit me. The resentment melted away as I realised my little brother, the one who used to be so serious and could eat an entire watermelon in a minute flat, had fallen in love. He had fallen in love with a tomboy human girl who wasn't afraid to use her fists, and he didn't even know it. That night the only thing she could think was

_Thank you Karin Kurosaki. Thank you for finally being the one person who could bring Toushiro back from the edge. The one person who could heal what Aizen did to him. _

Right then I knew if I was to somehow drop dead in that second then I would do so with no regrets, and suddenly, the memories of the last time I saw him, us facing each other on a battleground with tears on my face and my zanpakuto raised traitorously against him, suddenly, they didn't hurt so much.

But then the stories stopped. The new found happiness Toushiro was oblivious too, slowly left his voice and his footsteps. His words became more monotonous. He would just stop in the middle of a sentence and forget what he was talking about. Those were the moments I knew he was thinking about her. Throughout the three years he had been going to the human world, he had told me everything. I knew the Kurosaki girl almost as well as Toushiro did, and my heart ached for the both of them. While Toushiro had been fulfilling my dreams and falling in love, the state of his division had plummeted. Finally, the only way to stop his division collapsing around him was to stop going to the human world. Rangiku had actually started doing the paperwork but there was no way she could manage on her own without a Bankai to keep the division in order. I could only lie on my hospital bed, helpless to do anything as he stopped living and just started... existing. He became serious and cold once again but this time, there was always an edge of loss in his voice. I couldn't speak to him or tell him it was gonna be OK. I couldn't yell at him to just go and bloody well kiss her already and damn the paperwork.

And then today. Today I heard no loss in his tone. I dared to hope. He was going back to the human world again.

_"Geez Karin's gonna be mad when I get back there. I left without saying goodbye last time."_ _He chuckled_ "_God, I'm in for the biggest soccer defeat of my life." _

It was the first time he had spoken her name since he had come back for good. I could feel the excitement pulsing from him, the anticipation to see her again, and I felt so happy. I felt like crying from the joy those words instilled in me.

_Maybe finally, he's gonna get a clue and make a move. Maybe finally he's gonna get the happy ending he deserves. Live it for the both of us Shiro. _

But when I heard his mission, my short-lived happiness froze. I felt it shatter into pieces as my worst fears, the ones I couldn't bear to even speak inside my own mind, were realised.

* * *

Toushiro faced the head captain with his usual frown on his face. By his side stood his lieutenant, for once stone cold sober and the researcher Uotana who couldn't seem to stop tripping over her own feet. She had already acquired a sizeable bruise on her cheek from when she hadn't tied her sandals properly, causing her shoe to come off. As she had bent down to pick it up, she had overbalanced and landed flat on her face. Hitsugaya rather marvelled at the fact that she was able to get through a day without killing herself, never mind a couple of hundred years. He was troubled with the thought that she may be just as incompetent in battle as she was at walking successfully. However he brushed it away. She said she was chosen for her standard of combat skills along with her knowledge of the human world. He only hoped that he wouldn't have to go back to Mayuri and tell him that one of his best researchers had not died in battle, protecting innocent souls, but that she had tripped into the path of an oncoming truck because she couldn't walk straight on her own two feet. He shuddered at the idea of exactly what kind of experiments Mayuri would exact in the absence of a voice of sanity.

Behind the three of them stood Rukia Kuchiki, Renji Abarai and Hanatarou Yamada. The first two had been specially chosen because of their experience of fighting with Ichigo. Something they would most likely need if the Reiatsu signature was indeed as big as the data suggested. Hanatarou was taken due to the risk level of the mission. Even though Orihime Inoue had been contacted with the news of an upcoming mission requiring her to be accessible for healing, her powers never had been quite the same since the war. After reversing the Hogyoukou, they were severely diminished and they had orders only to call on her if one of them was critically wounded, so much so that Hanatarou would not be able to save them with just shinigami healing techniques. Going without him would be suicide.

"Hitsugaya Taicho, you are to make contact with Ichigo Kurosaki when you reach the human world. Find out from him what you can and if anything of importance to this mission is discussed, report back to me tomorrow. It is imperative that before engaging this unknown entity, you gather as much data and information as is possible so as to ensure a safe apprehension. Before finally engaging with the entity, report back here for orders on whether to deport or kill. Regular updates are of course required."

Hitsugaya nodded "Of course Yamamoto Soutaicho. Sir, are we to use the communicator in Inoue's residence or would you prefer to discuss updates in person?"

"Your presence is required only before you engage the entity, all other reports and updates can be done via the communicator. One other thing Taicho, you are not to dispatch any hollow in the world of the living. The mission's success is reliant on your going undetected. Recently, we have placed a new shinigami at Karakura town. The last shinigami's placement was cut short for various health issues." Hitsugaya smirked slightly; the last shinigami that was supposed to protect Karakura town was abysmal. With Ichigo, no one had really cared because he took care of them, but because Kurosaki isn't the most subtle of people, a new more reliable recruit had been given the job to make sure there were no slip-ups. "You are to have your reiatsu signature's suppressed at all times exact when directly fighting. Limiter permission is not needed and you can release your full strength as soon as you call it. Those few seconds that you gain could save your lives."

"Understood sir. We shall establish contact with Kurosaki upon arrival." He bowed to the Soutaicho and the other eleven captains who were present. He felt all their gazes on him and it irritated him beyond relief. It had been like this since Hinamori was first injured. Some were intrigued, some doubting, some sympathetic. Often the gazes were suspicious and on rare occasions he caught a few that held regret. It was like a constant itch in the back of his mind that he couldn't get rid of. He met every single one of them with his own unfaltering stare from his ice-filled eyes. As he looked into the innocent eyes of the new fifth division Taicho, Kisa Saki, he could not stop the bit of anger that always shot through him when he looked at the white coat

_That should be Momo wearing the Haori. _

He defiantly stared down all the rest of them until he reached Ukitake Taicho who was looking at him with a mixture of regret, pain and almost anger. He could tell the anger wasn't directed at him when Ukitake gave him a sad slight smile. He gave the tiniest of inclinations and then turned to the Soutaicho. He looked into the eyes as they opened slightly in a shrewd gaze that Hitsugaya felt going right through him. It took quite an effort to not look away but he kept his glare strong, waiting for the silent stand off to end. After about a minute of this, Kyouraku cleared his throat a wise and surprisingly sober look on his face for someone who spent his life being half drunk. Yamamoto grunted slightly and nodded at the white haired man who somehow managed to be respectful yet openly defiant at the same time. As he turned to leave, he left one final comment

"The Senkeimon is ready for you now Hitsugaya Taicho."

As the captains all took their leave and left the group of shinigami standing before the wooden gates, Hitsugaya turned to the five in front of him and surveyed them.

"You all know what this mission entails? You all are aware of the danger we are about to put ourselves in and the cruciality of what we are about to do?"

He got five resounding "Hai's." back and he nodded in satisfaction.

"Right then. Let's get going." He walked toward the gates but just before entering her turned to the three lieutenants "By the way, I would like to request now that you don't try and kidnap me again while we are in the human world, we are trying to be subtle and when drunk you don't have the best control on your reiatsu suppression abilities." He got three very satisfying blushes and smirked only when he had turned back so they wouldn't see just how smug he was. _This is going to be a good trip _he thought.

He purposefully led the way down the tunnel, thinking about his sister. Sometimes when he was there with her, he thought he would see a flicker of her eyelids, or a tiny flick at the corner of her mouth. Then he would look again and see nothing. Those were the moments when he felt like she could hear him, as if even though she couldn't talk back to him she could listen. His silent listener. The fact that those thoughts might be real helped him to keep believing she would one day wake up. But it was becoming harder and harder for him to keep up that belief. It had been six years. Six years. There had to come point when he needed to move on. He couldn't keep putting himself through it every day. He didn't mind putting himself through all the pain and the doubts. That was his penance for not saving her in the first place.

But he knew what she'd say if she was still awake. She'd tell him to move on, to stop doing this. That she'd be much happier if he started living his life again. But he couldn't just abandon her! Why was this all so confusing? The three years he'd spent with Karin had made this so much easier to deal with; she'd always kept him hopeful. She always promised to be there for him whenever he needed her. And she was. Every time he needed to talk about it she would drop everything, even skipping school when it required. She would never interrupt, never offer solutions, she would just sit there next to him, supporting him, never letting him blame himself.

But now she wasn't there anymore, he could feel himself sinking again she was like a lifeline to him, keeping his head up above water. She was the only one he ever showed weakness to because he knew that she wouldn't take the piss out of him for it afterwards.

_God thinking about it, I must have seemed like such a crazy person! I really should buy her something for putting up with me for three years. Maybe a new soccer ball... no that's hardly a __**gift**__, she buys a new one every week!_ While Hitsugaya was thinking about all of this, he didn't notice the light coming up ahead until he walked fully into the wooden doors of the gate; Matsumoto's shouted warning coming too late. He fell on his back to the floor, for a moment seeing stars until five heads appeared in his vision.

"Hitsugaya Taicho are you alright?" Hanatarou was having a panic attack at the sight of the dazed Taicho on the floor while Renji and Rukia were shaking with silent laughter. Suzuki was studying the door with interest as if it held the key to life itself and Matsumoto looked rather dismayed. At first Toushiro was touched at her concern until he realised that the only reason she was dismayed was probably because she didn't get it on camera. Standing up stiffly and trying to regain some sort of dignity he brushed off Hanatarou's worried pleas for him to stay down. He walked toward the gates with his head held high, sending a fierce glare in the direction of the three fukutaicho and stood before it, this time waiting for them to open. As they did he stepped into the open air of Karakura Town. He looked around as the gates disappeared behind them.

"Alright everyone suppress your reiatsu now and don't let it go unless you're about to be impaled by a zanpakuto." Immediately, they all suppressed their spirit power barely above that of a humans, just enough so that they would still be able to sense the anomaly without it sensing them. Unless of course it was suppressing as well which would mean the mission was going to be a _lot_ more tiresome.

He looked around him and saw they had come out at the river bank. He breathed in deeply and closed his eyes. When he opened them, a huge smile was on his face.

_Finally... _

* * *

**Hope you all enjoyed the longer chapter ****In some parts this was extremely hard to get out but I hope I did your expectations justice :)**

**Please review my lovelies, I love to know what you think.**

**Rose :)**


	3. Scream and shout and throw things

**This is chapter 3. I am so so sorry. This was supposed to be up waaaay sooner but various things including a host of computer viruses, an evil cold and power cuts that didn't save my work, meant this was the first chance I got to post where I was satisfied with it :)**

**This chapter has about three or four curses in it, sorry if you get offended but they are few and far between promise :)**

**Once more I uploaded the wrong document. Oops heh :) Please forgive me, i'm not great at remembering to edit before finally publishing...**

**Please review :D and I hope you enjoy…**

* * *

Chapter 3: Scream and shout and throw things

Hitsugaya turned to the five behind him.

"Right everyone, before you all start rushing off to do... whatever it is you do, we need to go to Urahara's and collect our Gigai's. If the rogue shinigami sees us in spirit form then we've failed. We have to keep our reiatsu's right down, literally at nothing. If you see a hollow, run our resident shinigami will take care of it." All of them nodded back with serious expressions, except for Hanatarou who looked around with avid interest. Hitsugaya considered it was only normal since the only time the easily frightened healer had been here was when the war had been on. Karakura hadn't exactly been the most ideal tourist spot at that point.

"Yamada." At the sound of the ice Taicho's voice, Hanatarou jumped out of his skin and quickly starting bowing erratically to Hitsugaya. "Yamada stop!" Hitsugaya commanded the healer mid bow and the sudden stop made him keel over. Hitsugaya just stared slightly apprehensively at the figure that lay below him, wondering just exactly how many equilibrium challenged incidents he was going to have to put up with. "Yamada, get up and just pay attention" Hanatarou climbed to his feet, his face glowing from embarrassment. He stood silently as Hitsugaya continued "We are going directly to Urahara's using shunpo as we need our fake bodies as quickly as possible. Follow me"

He turned around and led the way, senses on alert for any sign of elevated reiatsu that might result in them being seen. Despite the fact they were not there for sightseeing, Hitsugaya could only be impressed with how easily the humans were able to rebuild their lives. Even though the majority of the fighting had taken place in Hueco Mundo and soul society, Karakura had still taken significant damage. Now it looked much the same as it had before the war, just with less people. The body count for humans went into the high hundreds and it had taken months for all the soul levels to balance out.

They arrived at Urahara's without incident and the familiar sight of the wooden shop front gave Hitsugaya a rush of anticipation. Soon he would be back on the soccer field, laughing with Karin and catching up on the last three years. He couldn't wait to see her face when she saw the growth spurt and finally be the one to call _her_ the midget! A smile was spreading onto his face as he just stopped and stared at the Urahara Shoten sign. His lieutenant came up behind him with a slight smirk and an evil glint in her eye that he knew was about to irritate and tease him no end.

"Why so happy Taaaicho? Thinking about our lovely Karin chan?" She waggled her eyebrows and giggled at the intense glare that he directed at her "Oh come on Taicho, it's so obvious you've got a thing for her! You spent nearly every day for three years here. If I didn't know better, I'd say you were in love with her!" she smirked as he turned red and opened his mouth to shout her name until he was cut off by Renji who had the biggest grin on his face Hitsugaya had ever seen "I wonder what Ichigo's gonna say about that! The last guy who tried something with one of his sisters ended up in the hospital for a week! I can't wait to see how he reacts when he finds out a _dead captain_ is trying to-" his remark was cut short as a foot connected with his face and Renji fell to the ground with a large 'oof'

"Baka! Ichigo would never do that to Hitsugaya taicho! He's a respectful match for _any _woman so why can't you just be happy for them?" Rukia then turned to Hitsugaya, keeping Renji pinned to the floor with her foot "I'm so happy for you sir! I never thought I would see the day when our little ice-captain would fall in love!" Her eyes took on a dreamy expression "I wonder when the wedding will be?" Matsumoto squealed at this and both girls started chattering excitedly at speeds undecipherable except to other women. Suzuki then joined in with the two vice captains and they all started clapping their hands and jumping up and down quite a lot. For Renji, this was painful, due to the fact that Rukia was jumping on _him_.

"Get off me Shorty" The floor bound shinigami was so angry, he had gone as red as his hair "Jesus, did you eat your entire barracks food supply or something!" Saying this was a mistake as Rukia then brought out her zanpakuto and demanded he come up there and say it to her face. Renji retorted that he couldn't, seeing how she was standing on him, probably breaking a couple of his ribs. Matsumoto and Suzuki took no notice of the argument and went on discussing whether the wedding should be in Hawaii or Barbados while Hanatarou was panicking about the way Rukia was hitting Renji over the head with her sheath. Rukia paid no heed to the healer now having a panic attack and started arguing with Renji (who had gotten up after forcing her off him) about her Chappy drawings. All the while Hitsugaya stood and looked at the scene unfolding before him, seething.

"SHUT THE HELL UP!"

His shout seemed to do the trick as the silence that preceded his yell was instantaneous.

"Taicho did you just curse?" A shocked Matsumoto looked at the captain who she had never heard curse a day in her life.

"Yes Matsumoto I did. It happens occasionally when people annoy me enough and nearly let their Reiatsu's out of control despite the fact we're on a mission that specifically requires us _not _to." His icy glare was met with five fairly shamefaced (and rather scared) looks. "Now let me get this into your thick skulls." He paced in front of them as he spoke "Karin and I are _not _going to get married. She is my best friend and I love her-" a squeal was emitted from Matsumoto "- as a _friend_!" Matsumoto's face dropped comically "Nothing more. Who I choose to socialise with is absolutely none of your business. You will address me and Karin with the utmost respect at all times and if I hear that anyone has said anything to her remotely related to marriage, you had better run and hide. Kuchiki, Abarai, your little debacle could have just cost us the mission, I told you to limit your reiatsu. I warn you now, anymore foolish spectacles like that and I will send you back to soul society and make sure the two of you never work together on a mission again. Do I make myself clear?" The two lieutenants' stood up straight and to attention, serious expressions on their face as they received a thorough dressing down from the irate captain.

"Hai Taicho." they chorused in unison

"Good. Now can we please get on with the mission instead of acting like a group of ill educated baka's?" He raised an eyebrow and got five mumbled "Hai's" with a lot of feet shuffling back. He nodded and swept into the shop with an extremely irritated feeling.

**When are you going to wake up and see it Toushiro?**

_Hyourinmaru, what on Earth are you talking about?_

**Come on, you've been mooning over this girl for three years now. It's playing havoc with my inner world. Just hurry up and realise you love her so it can go back to normal.**

_You know, sometimes I long for the days when you were a strict, no-nonsense zanpakuto without a sense of humour or a knowledge of how sarcasm worked. You're supposed to be a cold emotionless _ice _dragon for Christ's sake. _

His zanpakuto snorted in his head at the comment.

**Toushiro I am your zanpakuto. A piece of your soul. I am not the cold act you put on for everyone around you. True, it didn't used to be an act but then when you met **_**her**_**, she changed you. She started to melt your 'icy heart' as it were, and by doing so, I changed too. I am the true reflection of your soul and the truth is you are not that cold, emotionless, antisocial, scornful-**

_Yes that'll do thanks very much. So I don't relate to other people well. What's your point?_

**My point is that's exactly why you love her so much Toushiro. **All teasing had gone from his zanpakuto's voice as he spoke and Toushiro knew he was about to hear an uncomfortable truth. **You love her because she was bothered about you enough to keep trying and not just give up when you were, to put it mildly, a cold jerk. You can't lie about this anymore, the fact that I've changed is proof enough. You can't keep blindly denying it like this. Everyone else has seen it so why can't you just admit it to yourself? You have fallen in love with Karin Kurosaki.**

_I... _

**You know I've gotten stronger too. Love is always a far more powerful incentive to fight than honour or pride. I always said you were good looking for a reason.**

This time it was Toushiro's turn to snort.

**I'm serious, in order to fight at our full strength, you have to believe this. It's making you hesitate, doubt in your abilities. You're so scared of hurting her that you hold back unconsciously even when you're separated by worlds. I may have gotten stronger but not strong enough. Our power comes from being able to **_**be **_**like ice. Emotionless and unattached, able to ignore and discount feelings in a battle. But to be able to ignore feelings, you first have to have acknowledged them.**

..._That was extremely profound._

**Thankyou.**

**...**

**Hello? Toushiro say something.**

_I... I guess... you're right. I love her._

**Give the man a medal, he finally said it.**

_Holy crap... I love her! Karin Kurosaki!_

**Maybe now we can finally get back to some proper training.**

Hitsugaya hardly noticed when Hyourinmaru left the conversation and he was alone in his mind once again.

_What do I do now? Just walk right up to her and say "Hey Karin, it's me. I know I've been away for three years sorry and by the way, I've fallen for you." She'd probably punch me then tell me to go get my head looked at. Unless she loves me as well? No that's a stupid thought! I'm dead. I'm a shinigami for Christ's sake! I'm... her best friend. I'm the guy she spent hours with on a railing. The guy she shared Ramen with. The guy who held her hand when she visited her mothers grave._

_Maybe..._

He was snapped out of his reverie by Matsumoto's face pushed into his and bellowing "TAICHO?"

"What, what is it? Is there a hollow?" His head whipped round as he jumped up on full alert. He paused when he heard no reply and looked down to find seven faces looking up at him in curiosity. Clearing his throat, he sat back down, trying to reclaim some vestiges of dignity, and faced Urahara with an expression that threatened violence if anyone was to question his strange behaviour.

"So. What can you tell us about the situation Urahara?" The shopkeepers eyes were hidden by his striped hat as he calmly sipped his tea. Hitsugaya tried to stop his rising irritation with the man as only silence answered his question. He wanted this conversation over as fast as possible so he could go find Karin. "Please Urahara; I don't have time to play games here. Please tell us whatever you know."

Urahara finally looked up and when Hitsugaya looked into his eyes he saw something behind the usual mocking mischief and intelligence. Loss, regret... pain perhaps? He could not quite pinpoint it. But something about it unsettled him. He brushed it aside.

"Are you alright Taicho, you seem to be a little distracted from your mission?" his humorous teasing tone had a well concealed undertone of curiosity that Hitsugaya wasn't sure really existed or if it was just his paranoia talking. He instantly stiffened at the insinuation and inwardly cursed himself and his zanpakuto. That conversation could have waited for later.

**It's not my fault you chose to have an epiphany before going to see Urahara.**

Hyourinmaru spoke in a rather bored and sarcastic tone but Hitsugaya could feel the dragon's insistence he focus on the task ahead. Just because he was in love, didn't mean he could slack off in front of Urahara. Otherwise the man would tear him apart and the news would be all over Seireitei in an hour.

"I'm fine, thankyou." His cool tone showed Urahara that he would get nothing out of the Taicho and the man pouted slightly that his fun had been ruined so early.

"I'm glad Hitsugaya Taicho." He grinned wolfishly and then continued in a more serious tone.

"The Menos appeared in a first attack four months ago, two of them. Since then there has been at least one, if not two attacks a week. They started off as Guilions but then as weeks progressed, they became Adjuchas. So far there have not been any Vasto Lordes but if we do not stem these attacks soon, my guess is within a half a year, we could be dealing with full on Arrancar and Espada attacks. At my guess, these attacks are due to the reiatsu of the anomaly. There is something, different about it to be sure, it seems that whoever this reiatsu belongs to is able to control it perfectly around shinigami, so that it is barely discernible from a normal humans. However, all hollow of Guilion level and above are able to sense how powerful it really is. That is the only conclusion I am able to take from this situation."

Hitsugaya sighed; convinced the man was omitting something from his explanation.

"OK then, Urahara, please can we have our Gigai's" Urahara nodded and left the room. "Abarai, Kuchiki, your main objective is to find Ichigo and extract all information you can. If he knows anything you think I need to hear face to face, bring him back here and contact me through the new phones research and development gave us. Uotana, Matsumoto, you are to try and find any possible traces of the reiatsu you can and then analyse it. Afterwards, bring it back here for Urahara to look at as well. Yamada, I want you to consult with Inoue Orihime about exactly how far her healing powers will extend and work. Please report back to me afterwards. It is now" he quickly glanced at his watch "6:51, I will take first watch, until 11pm, at which point Matsumoto, you will take over. Everyone, reconvene back here at 8:30 pm to report."

"Hai, Taicho," Matsumoto and Suzuki nodded, while Rukia and Renji looked at each other seriously, conveying words in one glance in a way only two who had known each other for years could. Yamada bowed fully, thankfully only once this time. Urahara came back into the room with Gigai's, one for each of them.

"Don't worry, Hitsugaya Taicho, we had a new one made for you when we did one for Uotana. You wouldn't fit very well in your old one. Hitsugaya gratefully pulled on the much taller than previous gigai and stretched in it. It was a comfortable fit and he nodded in approval.

"Are you sure there is nothing else you can tell us?" Urahara just smiled at the white haired boy who, so quickly, had had to become a man.

"Good luck Taicho, I hope you find what you are looking for"

"I- thankyou..." he sent a strange look at the man who was leaning against the entrance to his shop as the shinigami headed out, then shook off the feeling that his words meant more than what the surface implied.

_There is nothing more that __**I **__can tell you Hitsugaya Taicho. But there is plenty that others can. It all depends on who you ask._

"Are you sure it was wise not to tell him everything Sir?" Tessai had come up behind him.

He sighed "There are some things he is not ready to hear yet. If we are to finally resolve this situation, if we are to finally bring her back, then he must find out for himself. Or she will die broken beyond repair."

"So it is certain then? From what you have gathered from the tests, she is going to die?"

He sighed once again, wishing he didn't know the answer to that question. "You know, sometimes I think Shinigami live too long" He walked back into his shop, leaving Tessai in the doorway to think over his words.

* * *

(Flashback)

"_It's your fault!" He's shouting those words again and again. Shouting them at me. All I want is to shout back but my lips won't move. I know. I know it is damnit. "It's all because of you that she's dead! You wiped her existence! You took her away from us all!" He is being restrained by two men. One wearing a striped hat, the other normally has an apron; however he has discarded it today in favour of mourning clothes. She stares at the red haired youth, struggling against them, shouting accusations at her while tears pour down my face. Because it's true. It's all true. I am the reason she's gone. Truly gone. Never to exist again. I was so selfish I would take both her opportunities of life. I took his as well. At least he is on the other side. At least I didn't take his second chance. Somewhere, he can be living, maybe he found Mom... If they remember each other. Maybe they fell in love all over again. But it doesn't matter because it's my fault. I hurt them all. I hurt everyone. They left because of me._

_Mom died to protect Ichi-nii. But they only took that route because I asked them to come back quickly. If I hadn't asked, she would still be here now beside me. Ichi-nii became a soul reaper to protect me from that hollow. He nearly died in the war, nearly didn't come back. Dad jumped in front of that motorbike, pushing me out of the way. He was dead before his body hit the floor. Yuzu... Yuzu was trying to save me, Even after what I knew waited for me, I selfishly clung to life. And now it's all over. Ichi-nii is all I have left, but I can't let him stay with me. Because if he does, I'll lose him too. So I'll push him away. Shout and scream and throw things and tell him I hate him. Blame him, though nothing is further from the truth. Because the more I blame them and push them away, the safer they'll be, the safer they'll stay._

"_It's not my fault" It's a whisper at first. But it becomes louder each time I say it. "It's not my fault! It's not, its not, its not!" I am screaming it now, panting, from not taking enough breath between shouts. They start to take him away, supporting him as they walk back. "Do you hear me? It's not my fault!" I scream into the heavens and fall to my knees on the gravel that digs through my trousers into my flesh. I sob, my tears mingling with the rain. Because it's so hard. The guilt just keeps getting worse with every breath and every step I take._

_I don't know how I long I kneel there, long enough to run out of tears that wont fall again, despite my wishes. Because I've made my choice. I __**will**__ protect my brother. At first it will hurt. Both him and me. But it will be better than losing him. Because if I push him away, I can still find him, watching him unseen. See him living his life for himself. Not for a sister who doesn't deserve the name. But if I cling to him, tell him the truth; that he's my Ichi-nii and I will love him even when I pass on and forget, then I know I'll lose him beyond discovery too._

"_Karin?" His voice calls through the darkness in my mind and it fills me with pain._

"_Please, just a little longer" I whisper. Just give me a little longer to be his baby sister._

"_Karin! There you are! My God, I've been so worried!" His voice is soft as he bends beside me. I don't look at him. I can't. "Will you come home?" He puts his hand over mine and his touch pierces my heart, sealing my resolve in what I must do._

"_Get off me." My voice is full of venom. Forgive me Ichi-nii. "Don't touch me!" __**I'm sorry**__. "This is your fault! You and those shinigami! You brought them on us!" __**So so sorry**__. I finally look to see his face and for a moment, I nearly stop and tell him everything. His face is a canvas of hurt, devastation and confusion. In the bottom corner, you can just make out my signature._

"_Karin... I- I'm sorry. I'm so sorry" his voice is broken in several places as he tries to swallow down tears._

"_Sorry? You're sorry? What the fuck is that supposed to do? You think that saying sorry will bring people back from the fucking __**dead**__? She's gone and she's not coming back. So thanks a lot. You did this Ichigo. You destroyed our family!" My voice is shaking with the tears that won't fall. I stand up and turn away from him because if I look at him anymore, I wouldn't be able to bear it. "I want you out. Get out of the house Kurosaki Ichigo, and don't come back. I never want to see your face again." Little does he know that right now, my face is contorted with the sadness and pain of hurting him._

"_Please..." Just that one word is enough to kill me inside._

"_I hate you Ichigo! Why don't you do us all a fucking favour and drop dead?" Silence is met with my question, but I know he's still there._

"_You give me no choice Ichigo." I turned around. I looked him in the eye for the first time in this conversation and said one word._

_Then it was over._

_I love you Ichigo. You are always and forever, my Ichi-nii. Forgive me_

(Back Again)

Karin stared once more at the bottle in front of her and the box beside it. That was a memory she would never forget. No matter how many lives she lived. It took eleven of these pills to die and she intended to take ten with a bottle of vodka. Every night she tried to do this, hoping to God that she would actually have the courage to do it this time. Despite the fact the clinic was closed down, she still had access to all the drugs in there. It made for an easily attainable suicide attempt.

Every night she sat down at the same time and tried to lift the little white pills to her lips and swallow. But she couldn't do it. At the last second, there was always someone her sub conscious would drag up in front of her eyes, telling her not to do it, not be so stupid and put the pills down. Tonight it was Toushiro.

Toushiro... the boy who had become her best friend. They first met the day she was challenged by those middle schoolers. He disappeared for a few months after that and she thought nothing of it, he had a war to fight after all. But then he came back into her life. For three years she saw him nearly every day. He was her best friend. The guy who truly took the time to understand how she felt. She returned the favour. And she fell in love with him. Then one day, he didn't show up. Nor the day after that, nor after that. She waited and waited to hear something from him, but her phone never rang, nor did he text her. She cursed herself for not taking his number when she had the chance. So for two years she got used to her heart getting faster whenever she heard her phone ring, to her spirits lifting slightly whenever she heard someone knock on the door.

Then the unthinkable happened. Her father died. The rock in her life. The one she could always count on to surprise her in the mornings with an attempt to hug her. The one who would invariably cry to his wife's poster at least once a morning while she tried to eat her breakfast in some semblance of peace, trying not to show she actually kind of liked his crazy side. The worst thing was, he died to save her. The guilt that came from that was worse than her mothers because, despite feeling responsible for both of their deaths, she was now able to recognise exactly why she felt so utterly destroyed. But she got better, with the help of her twin and her brother, she recovered. She didn't let herself acknowledge the blame anymore. Then one day, her world went dark and the sun didn't rise again. She lost her other half. The worst pain of all, because this time, she could have saved her. She could have saved her but instead she chose to live. At the time she didn't know what would happen. She didn't know that her selfish desire would cause her sister, the one person she would give up everything to protect, to be gone from the world, without a trace.

She had to push them away, all of them. Hate them. Loathe them. Scream and shout and throw things. There was only one person who could bring her back. Only one, but he never came. Never called. Never _cared_. But now he was back. She felt them as soon as they came through the gate, though they disappeared quickly after. However, she could still sense him. It was no use, wherever he went, whatever he did, she could sense him from the moment she first met him. Right now he had just left Urahara's shop.

_I wonder, does he know the truth yet? Whatever he has been told he won't know everything. Urahara promised. He swore on his life he wouldn't tell him the full story. He's probably looking for me. Why did you have to come Toushiro? Why did it have to be you they sent? Because now I have to do to you what I did to everyone else. I have to drive you away. Scream and shout and throw things. Because you came too late to save me and now, nobody can. I love you Hitsugaya Toushiro. You'll never know, but I do. I have to do this; I cannot allow you to get hurt because of me. Maybe after I confront you, maybe then I can finally open these boxes and this bottle. Maybe finally I can escape, and get away from all of this. I don't deserve release, but god damnit I'm going to try. Because other wise there's no telling what will happen._

Karin stood up from the table and walked robotically into the hall. She pulled on her grey hoody and walked out of the door, leaving it wide open. There was no point to locking it; no one went near the house anymore. No one went near her. Her footsteps were slow on the pavement as she walked. Before meeting Toushiro, she had a couple of stops to make. As her feet took her to her destination, she walked along the riverbank. Her face remained emotionless but a well of memories surged up as she looked at the water.

(Flashback)

"_Hey Toushiro?"_

"_Yeah Karin?" His voice replied lazily to hers. She sat back on her hands while he lay in the grass beside her._

"_We'll always be friends right?" She looked down at his face. He opened one eye and looked at her quizzically._

"_What makes you say that?"_

"_Just answer the question damnit!" She turned slightly red and he sat up next to her, bumping her shoulder with his playfully._

"_Course we will Karin. If you ever need me, just call and I'll come."_

(Back Again)

Yeah but you never reckoned on being called did you? You never guessed that I would need you. I guess my whole strong, independent act fooled everyone. Even you who knew me best. She carried on past the water, going through the town, the people unconsciously avoided her. She passed a wall where some of her old soccer buddies were sitting, joking around. They all became silent as she drew near, but she didn't speak. Neither did they, just followed her with their eyes solemnly. She did not allow herself to flinch when she heard Ryouhei whisper her name, nor when she heard Donny mumble

"We miss you." She just carried on walking.

_Don't look Karin. Don't break. Not now. Not here._

She made it past them and around the corner. She took a deep, shaky breath, dragging a hand through her black hair. It had grown long and unkempt throughout the months of depression. The shine she used to have to it was now dulled. The same went for her eyes. They used to play every emotion she felt, but now they were lifeless and closed off. If you looked really hard, you could sometimes see a flicker of something play through her dark orbs, though it would be gone too fast to identify the emotion. She reached her first stop. It was an unremarkable apartment building, one of many in the town. She walked around to the west side and stood half hidden in the trees, so even if he did look out of his window and see her, he would not know who she was or if she was really watching him.

She looked up to the second floor and saw his light on. He was standing by the sink, eating dinner. After a few mouthfuls, he put the plate down and just leant back, running his hands over his face and the top of his head to finally rest, locked together at the back of his neck for a moment. He turned around and started to sort out the dishes. His face seemed old, older than it should be at 22. Guilt wracked her body again and again as she saw just how much he suffered but she made no outward movement. His suffering would be much greater were he to stay. If he were to stay and find out the true cause of his little sisters death, then he would hate her. If he hated her, then he would find out the whole truth and that would cause him the most pain and despair he could ever feel. That was something she would not be held accountable for. Not while she was still breathing.

His head bowed and he braced himself against the sink for support. A hand reached out to his shoulder. It was followed by a massive arm as the huge man came to stand behind Ichigo. So Chad was there. Good. He wouldn't be alone tonight. She looked off to his left. Two figures stood there with their arms around each other. The orange haired woman detached herself from the black haired boy. She hugged Ichigo who nodded as she comforted him. She then walked away out of Karin's vision. She had always liked Orihime. The girl had saved her brothers life after all, when he came back from the winter war. Even though the scar would not heal, she stopped him bleeding to death on the battlefield. Orihime would always be there for Ichi-nii, something which she would be eternally grateful for. Uryu Ishida started talking, though she could neither hear the words he said nor read his lips, she guessed it was words of advice and comfort, if Ichigo's nod was any indication. She felt a vague inclination to smile as she saw a small grin appear on Ichigo's face, something she had not seen for quite a while. However the inclination was just that: vague. Smiles were an alien thing to her face now, and the urge went as fleetingly as it came. She thought no more about it.

She was about to step out from her cover and put her hood up again in preparation for leaving the darkness of the trees, until she heard familiar voices. She quickly drew back even further, now totally invisible to the two people who came walking down the other side of the road. She heard the voices and cursed herself. She quickly read their reiatsu, they seemed no more above an average humans and she could read no distress or sign that they had seen her. Of course why should they? Her reiatsu was suppressed so that if they did scan, all they would find would be the four humans in the second floor flat. She peeked through a small slit opening in the leaves and saw Rukia and Renji walking up to the apartment building. They stopped outside the entrance and Karin got a clear view of them. For as long as she had known Rukia, it had been obvious of the attraction between the mini soul reaper and her brother. Attraction had blossomed into love and they would talk all the time. However, she knew for a fact they had not communicated since Yuzu's death. It was a part of her deal.

Renji and Karin had been very good friends, the both of them would always spar in hand to hand whenever he came for a visit and he had become a second, slightly more easygoing big brother. He would tell her all about what was happening in soul society while Ichigo and Rukia were off falling in love. Her heart ached for those times and for a second, her hand moved a fraction forward, as if to pull back the leafy cover so she could meet the two. But only for a second and she immediately regained her control. Taking one last look, she slipped away, walking through the trees instead of emerging onto the pavement, leaving them to discover the last four months from Ichigo.

Her last stop before walking to meet the white haired Taicho was a store that was far more than its appearance indicated. She walked past Tessai standing at the door, ignoring his sad gaze. Walking straight in, she pulled aside the sliding door. It opened on the only person she had talked to since the incident with Ichigo.

"Well? What are your results?" Her voice was flat and unemotional as she addressed the man sipping his tea. He looked up, all hints of his normal smirk gone from his now sad features, his true emotions displayed on his face.

"If you're to do it optionally, before it consumes you, the power release will be optional and completely into your control. However if you were to wait until the final hour, the resulting carnage would be fatal." Her face showed no hint of his information affecting her in any way.

"And the reasons for the continued occurrences despite my complete efforts?"

He sighed, putting down his cup and standing up "As to that, I cannot say. For the moment we can withhold tests, especially with the new developments, but... are you sure you can handle it still?"

There was a pause as she considered his words. "I have felt so much pain, I have caused so many people who I know and love hurt and then intentionally hurt them more for their own protection. I am an unknown girl, one who used to slip by unnoticed by the world. I now have to give the tiny amount of anything I have left so I don't hurt anyone ever again. If I am unable to handle this then I have already failed."

Urahara looked at the daughter of one of his greatest friends, a girl who held one of the rare soft spots in his heart. As she stood cold and distant in the doorway of his room, he could not help but feel sad. Karin had had a great deal of power foisted upon her, something that no one could have foreseen, with consequences that were no ones fault and yet here she was taking the fall because no one else could. He knew that her conviction in her own guilt and her despair were the only things that kept her to the plan. Without them he doubted she would be able to carry it through. But it did not stop him from trying to assuage her of her guilt.

"It wasn't your fault Karin." he watched with sadness as her body stiffened. She turned and started walking out of the room.

"You have the letters Urahara, you know what to do with them if I manage to finally let go." with that last sentence, he watched her walk out of his shop without a second glance, maybe never to come back again.

_Good bye Karin. Even though I know what is right, I can't help myself hoping that that wasn't the last time I'll get to say it._

_What a bastard. Urahara Kisuke is mad. Crazy. Utterly and totally unhinged. He and I are the only ones who know exactly what happened. He knows the whole truth and yet he still says those idiotic, stupid words! The only reason he knows is because I needed his knowledge of shinigami and reiatsu._

Karin's feet hit the pavement outside the shop and she set off towards her final destination for the evening. Her brief spat of anger, though it was real, was not intense. Her body was still numb to emotions; they did not truly reach her through the haze in her mind. She could see herself going through the motions but she did not _feel _the real thing. Not anymore. She was too far gone to feel anything but more pain and sadness.

As she walked along the pavement, she saw her final destination coming up. Of their own accord, her feet slowed infinitesimally. She ignored the reaction and just let their faces play across her eyes. Yuzu, Dad, Ichi-nii, Toushiro, Matsumoto, Rukia, Renji... All those people who had supported her and been a friend to her. Soon she would repay their kindness with the little she had left to offer. She stopped, knees bumping slightly against the railing. She had not seen this place in about a year. The sunset really was beautiful; she had forgotten just how breathtaking it really was. She stood there for a while, just looking into the infinite blend of colours that the sky had become. When she sensed him at the soccer field, she knew that he was looking for her. She knew that it was time.

Sighing slightly, she let the memory play across her mind once more, lingering on the last sentence, repeating it in her mind. She raised her reiatsu ever so slightly.

(Flash back)

"_Hey Toushiro?"_

"_Yeah Karin?" His voice replied lazily to hers. She sat back on her hands while he lay in the grass beside her._

"_We'll always be friends right?" She looked down at his face. He opened one eye and looked at her quizzically._

"_What makes you say that?"_

"_Just answer the question damnit!" She turned slightly red and he sat up next to her, bumping her shoulder with his playfully._

"_Course we will Karin. If you ever need me, just call and I'll come."_

(Back Again)

_Just call and I'll come..._

_Just call and I'll come..._

_Thankyou Toushiro, but I don't want you to hear me anymore, I don't want you dead. I love you._

* * *

**That was chapter 3. I would just like to say that I am in no way trying to glamourise suicide. Not only has Karin been through extreme emotional turmoil, it is also imperative to the plot so please don't hate me for it, all shall be explained later.**

**I'm dreading writing the next chapter in a way, it's got a lot of angst and heartbreak in. :'( I'm gonna need mega chocolate supplies while typing *sigh***

**I'm so glad this chapter is finally up, I thought I would never be able to do it, though hopefully I will be able to update far more regularly now :)**

**Please review and tell me what you think :) Until next time…**


	4. Phoenixes and Prophecies

**Yes! Finally this is up :D Sorry for the wait but between a whole lot of coursework and a bad case of writers block (thanks to Araia Shadow Knyte by the way- you rock!), this was a hard chapter to get out!**

**This was originally going to include the confrontation between Toushiro and Karin but it became way too long and I decided to have that on it's own. I don't know why, I just thought it would be better. But hey at least it means Chapter 5 will be up sooner! Enjoy :)**

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* * *

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6 years ago, the Winter War was finished and Aizen died for good. Toushiro and Karin have become best friends but for three years, he has had no contact with her. Sent back to the human world on a mission for a shinigami that shouldn't exist, he finds a broken shell of the girl he knew. As he learns exactly what happened to her, he knows that he is partly to blame and realises for the first time how quick true happiness can be shattered and that you don't always get a second chance at life. Having sworn to help her, he finds himself in a decision that means killing the girl he loves or sacrificing the worlds he swore to protect.

Chapter 4:

Hitsugaya walked along the high street, rather bored. From what Urahara had said, they weren't expecting another Menos attack for a few days, but he had to be vigilant. He wasn't going to look for Karin until he was off watch, no way was he going to run the risk of her being there when they faced off. He and Matsumoto had already worked out a plan for if the anomaly showed itself. They would form a circle round the anomaly when it appeared to fight the Menos, closing in slowly, waiting for the fight to finish with their reiatsu suppressed so they wouldn't even be detected as humans. When the fight was over they were to release their full power and simultaneously attack, capturing the anomaly with the element of surprise and an intense amount of power. The first to go in would be Hitsugaya; then Matsumoto, Kuchiki and Abarai would follow while the anomaly was distracted fighting him. Uotana would all the while be trying to analyse the reiatsu and Yamada would be standing by for back up and healing if all four of them were not enough to overpower it. They had one chance to make this work otherwise their identities would be revealed and the element of surprise would be ruined. He needed to make this work.

While preoccupied in his thoughts of battle plans, Hitsugaya's feet took him in a direction unknown and when he looked up, he realised he was in front of a massive shopping centre that Karin had dragged him to one day when Yuzu had in turn dragged Karin to. Her exact words had been:

"_If I have to suffer, then I'm going to make sure I'm not the only one."_

The look she had given him when saying those words had been more than enough to persuade him, he always did like his head attached to his neck. Besides, if he had refused she would have tied him up and taken him anyway. He looked through the glass of one of the stores and remembered the incident that had taught him never to laugh at the sight of Karin Kurosaki in a dress.

_(Flashback)_

"_Yuzu please no! I don't want to go!" Karin was looking at her twin with a mix of desperation and panic as she was dragged closer towards the store. Hitsugaya walked behind them trying to stifle his laughter. As Karin once more tried and failed to make a run for it by twisting her arm out of her twins grip then leap-frogging over several small children blocking her escape route from the mall, Hitsugaya could no longer keep his laughter in check. He let out a small laugh before trying to make it into a cough. Unfortunately Karin wasn't totally dumb and instantly recognised his ill-timed chuckle. Suddenly he saw a pair of extremely angry eyes right in front of his, that when he looked into them, were like a storm out at sea, promising to destroy any unlucky vessel that happened to be caught in it's wrath._

"_You think its funny Hitsugaya?" Her voice was low as she hissed his name, her face turning redder with anger every second. He looked her dead in the eye as he replied, her sudden proximity erasing his feeling of need to fall to the floor laughing, replaced by... something else; something intense._

"_Yes I do. Hilarious in fact." As he spoke the words however there was no hint of a smile on his face. His eyes were like a sea too, an intense calm that ebbed and flowed relentlessly, never to stop. She was even more incensed by his words, oblivious to her closeness and the effect it was having on him._

"_You are treading a very thin line my friend." Her eyes flashed once more and faced into his, the two seas fighting, hers all aggression and tidal waves that would blow itself out, his a continuous cycle of in and out that would match hers any day. He was about to retort back with some smart comment to call her bluff (at least he hoped it was), when she was suddenly yanked away by the collar by Yuzu who had recovered the control over her twin needed to carry this trip out._

"_Karin, how many times have I told you? Don't threaten the soul reapers! Do you not remember what happened last time you and Renji argued about which of you was the best at hand to hand? You destroyed the gymnasium! Now even the Kendo team are afraid of you!" Yuzu's lecture carried on, all the while oblivious to the dark mutterings coming from her sister's mouth. The Kurosaki wrath was a terrible thing, especially Karin's. He still shuddered when he remembered the state of Renji after the match. The poor guy hadn't been able to sit down for a week. Damn that Urahara for teaching her how to fight._

_He followed them into the shop- its name was pretty in pink. He sighed, appearing bored but secretly rather pleased. It was going to be rather fun having to see Karin be forced into a dress. Apparently it was for something called the spring formal? Though what exactly was formal about something that was used only to indicate the changes in season he did not know. He would have to ask about that later. He saw Yuzu talking to a sales assistant, Karin still held by her collar._

"_Please can you show us where the formal dresses are?" The woman led the two girls through to the back of the store. Hitsugaya followed, to be faced with a huge wall of dresses that were colour coordinated and went from blacks at one end followed by blues, browns and greens, to white at the other that were preceded by yellows, oranges reds and pinks. It made his eyes go hazy just looking at all the colours._

"_Hitsugaya- kun?" He looked up to see Yuzu walking toward him. He had always liked the golden haired girl, not only because she referred to him with respect. Her cooking was a welcome change from the many decades he had had to suffer through Matsumoto's attempts of making something resembling edible food while on missions._

"_Yes Yuzu- san?" He didn't like calling her Kurosaki, that name was reserved for Ichigo and Karin when he was either being competitive at soccer or was angry at her._

"_Come with me." The girl smiled and grabbed onto his wrist. She led him to a chair situated outside a doorway that led into a load of dressing rooms. She pushed him into the chair and smiled slightly at his confused expression. She knocked on the door to one of the cubicles._

"_Karin? Are you ready yet?"_

"_Give me a chance Yuzu!" The answering voice from the other side of the door was more of a growl than a normal human voice, which Hitsugaya instantly deduced was Karin's. He smirked a little, looking down to hide it from the rather hyperactive younger Kurosaki girl. Suddenly he heard a gasp. Looking up, thinking there was something wrong, he was startled by the sight before him. First he was startled, and then he was speechless._

_Before him stood Karin; was it really her? She looked so... different. Instead of her normal soccer Tee's and cut off jeans she took to wearing after boys started paying more attention to her legs in shorts than on the ball they were supposed to be stealing off her (she could have easily dealt with them but apparently, as she had told him one day after an very unsatisfying easy win, she didn't really want to beat them up. They were after all the only guys who didn't mind getting whipped by a girl at soccer), she had on a dress. It was silk, tight on the bodice but from her waist down, the fabric flowed loosely over her figure like a waterfall all the way down to her feet, accentuating her rather long legs. It was cross tied down the front with off the shoulder straps that left her shoulder and collarbone area exposed, the near white skin looking illuminated against the deep purple that accentuated the tiny purple speckles in her mainly black irises. Down the front on either side of the cross ties, were tiny beads stitched into a Sakura petal pattern. He stared at her in wonderment, blown away by just how transformed she was. Despite all the times he had looked at her, he had never thought she was beautiful, sure he knew she was attractive but then again he was just her friend so it had never affected him before; so why now?_

"_Oh Karin you look utterly beautiful!" Yuzu was looking at her sister with such a loving look in her eyes, Hitsugaya felt rather uncomfortable witnessing it._

"_Don't overstate things Yuzu." Karin rolled her eyes and turned her face away, a slight blush on her cheeks, her jaw set obstinately. When he looked at her face he could see a lot of embarrassment, chagrin and... Was there a tiny flash of nervousness there? As if she was waiting for him to speak?_

"_Well say something you Baka! Don't just stand there staring at me like I'm the thing from the black lagoon; me in a dress isn't that shocking you know!" Her blush became more pronounced and she peeked at him slightly. "Does it look really bad?"_

"_Karin... you look... absolutely stunning!" The shock in his voice was rather evident, almost making his compliment sound like an insult. The look she sent him would have curdled the freshest of milk and he shrank back slightly from her glare. A rather sadistic, crazy smile appeared on her face as her eyes flashed._

"_Oh you are so dead Hitsugaya Toushiro!" She jumped back into the cubicle._

"_Oh dear." Yuzu sighed and sat down on the chair heavily. "Well I guess that's put the end to this shopping trip anyway"._

"_Not quite, dear sister of mine!" Karin walked out of the cubicle with a wolfish smile on her face. "I believe we have one more stop to make. Yuzu, would you please go and take this to the register for me, I have to go somewhere with Toushiro." Yuzu took the dress, sending a rather helpless look at Hitsugaya as he sent her a 'save me!' look. Karin took his arm in an iron grip, with an evil smile on her face the whole way. Walking out of the shop with him in tow she walked across the street and into a chemist, going up to the nearest assistant._

"_Hi there; I was just wondering if you could show us where the piles cream is. I'm afraid my boyfriend here has a rather bad case of it!" She loudly stage whispered, adding a small innocent giggle at the end while Hitsugaya just looked on absolutely mortified._

"_Karin, I do not have Piles!" He hissed through his teeth, a lovely deep cherry colour. They were starting to attract a lot of attention from other customers and he nearly died when he hears a woman whispering to her companion._

"_You see, people of all ages get it! He definitely walks like he has it."_

"_Oh sweetie that's OK, there's nothing to be embarrassed about!" Karin sent him a huge smile; chock full of fake innocence and love. Sweetie? Ok now he knew she was evil._

_The assistant was trying not to laugh as she pointed down the aisle to the left. Karin dragged him down that aisle._

"_Are you not done humiliating me yet?" He spoke through gritted teeth._

"_Ummm... Nope!" Her voice was very cheerful and full of satisfaction at making him squirm. She picked up the tube of cream and spoke again._

"_Do you think this is right honey-cheeks? I mean the doctor said it was one of the worst cases he'd ever seen. Maybe we better get two tubes just in case we run out really quickly. Or even three- HEY!"_

_He grabbed hold of her and dragged her out the shop. Honey-cheeks was the last straw._

"_Toushiro what the hell do you think you are doing?" She twisted out of his grip with an infuriated expression, hands on hips, ready to tear a strip off him until he interrupted her coming tirade._

"_Me? What are you doing more like? Karin, I pay you a compliment and you react like this! God in future I'll just say you look fine!"_

_Her mouth opened...then closed again; then opened._

"_You... you really thought I looked good?" Her angry expression fell away to be replaced by one of shy happiness. It was rather odd on her._

"_Yes damnit or I wouldn't have said it! How could I not, that dress was your perfect match. Whoever takes you is a lucky guy that's for sure." He felt a slight twinge of jealousy at that last sentence, though he was clueless to why. He brushed it off impatiently, getting back to the matter at hand. "What I'm trying to say is that this winter ritual or whatever it is... you're going to be the best looking girl there so learn to take a compliment. I doubt very much you're going to be able to pass off the male populace of your class all having piles." She laughed at his words, patting his shoulder and walking back towards the dress shop._

"_Thanks Toushiro. By the way, you do know that you're coming as well?"_

"_What?" He froze, looking at her sceptically. "You're kidding right? Karin, I don't dance."_

"_Nope! The only way Ichi-nii would let Yuzu go near the place was if I was with her and the only way I'm going is if you do to. Like I said, if I have to suffer, I'm going to make sure I'm not the only one."_

(Back Again)

And that was how he learned never to compliment Kurosaki Karin while looking shocked as she wore a prom dress and how he ended up going to a weird disco-come evening ball, unknowingly on his last night in the real world for three years.

_I remember that evening. God she looked so beautiful... maybe that was when I really truly fell in love with her; past just liking her more than a friend. Not that I noticed. For a genius, I can be very dumb sometimes. But, I guess it came on so gradually, I never really realised it. For three years, she was there every day, the rock that stopped me from being dragged away in the current of regret and sisters who don't wake up no matter how many times you cry for them at night. She was that hand that held mine when I needed one, the shoulder I could lean on when my own strength wasn't enough to hold me up anymore. Everyday, she took my worries and turned them into memories that kept me laughing during the days I couldn't come back._

He walked through the shopping centre, not paying attention to much other than if there was anything in front of him that he was about to impale himself on. He stopped in front of the fountain inside it, inspecting the plaque:

_A wish of happiness be on you;_

_A wish of hope be with you;_

_A wish of love is given you;_

_A wish of peace is promised you._

_Wishes are dreams;_

_Dreams and reality are not as far apart as you think;_

_Maybe one day, you will see reality;_

_But we give you a warning for that day;_

_Because dreams are precious, and reality is harsh;_

_Be careful what you wish for._

Looking at the fountain once again, he went to his pocket and dragged out a coin.

_I wish... I wish that we could be together. I wish we didn't have to be separated by worlds. I wish that we could both be who we are, without fancy titles or complicated circumstance. I wish we could just be Toushiro and Karin, with our own little world._

He tossed in the coin, watching it arc perfectly in the air then land in the water at a perfect right angle to it, barely making a sound as it hit the surface. He turned away, looking back once to see the water become calm once more, the only disturbance from the slight trickle of water that flowed in from the mouth of the dragon.

He walked away and looked idly into a shop window. He was about to look away when something caught his eye. He went closer to see exactly what it was and when he saw it, he instantly knew.

_This has Karin written all over it._

It was a silver charm, in the shape of a phoenix. Karin had always had a fixation on the bird, even though it was just a mythical creature. She had painted a beautiful mural of a phoenix in the sky, its wings spreading to take another flap once more to keep it going. It was gold, the colour flowing down all the way to its tails that had a tiny accent of silver in them. She had charcoaled in clouds lightly, outlining them in a dusty pale pink. When you sat facing it at just the right point when the setting sun hit it, the mural looked real; as if the phoenix had taken to the skies over her bed, flying free in the rays of light. It was nothing short of a masterpiece and it had taken Karin ages to do. The charm was one of those you could attach to any linked bracelet and he knew for a fact she had one; Yuzu had bought it for her fifteenth birthday. It was beautifully wrought with intricate detail, not too big and not too small. In effect it was perfect.

**Wow. I know they say love changes you and all, but this is getting a bit scary! Where's the icy uptight prodigy we all know and love gone?**

_You tell me. You are a part of my soul after all. And I wasn't uptight._

**...Sure.** Toushiro could feel the dragon rolling his eyes.

_Hyourinmaru?_ The dragon could sense the change of tone and the seriousness of the matter which Hitsugaya was about to speak with him.

**Yes?**

_Even though we have both changed because of her... we can still fight just as well right?_

**Do you doubt in my abilities, or in yours? **The dragon's tone was serious however Toushiro could tell the dragon was not saying it out of offence.

_I don't doubt either of our fighting abilities, I doubt my ability to stay detached from these powerful feelings I have for her._

**Do not doubt. I told you that I have become more powerful because of your relationship with her. I also said that it was necessary for you to acknowledge these feelings in order for you to ignore them, thus returning to the basis for our abilities. Don't be afraid of them or you can never accept them. As a soul reaper, change is a rather rare thing; making you unconsciously afraid of it. Your reason to fight is not pride or duty or a wish to prove yourself any longer. Your reason to fight is **_**her.**_** When you fight for unselfish reasons, it is a lot easier to keep on going. Ichigo isn't just powerful because of his lineage you know. Part of his power comes from that want to protect everything. That's why, even though he was nowhere near Aizen's level of skill and experience, he was able to defeat him. Aizen was using his zanpakuto for purely selfish reasons. To him, his reason for fighting was not more important than his own life, if given the choice Aizen would have kept his life. Are you telling me that if it came down to choice to keep battling in a fight you know you will lose and die, or give up to keep your own life while sacrificing hers, you would choose the latter option?**

_What are you talking about? Of course not! _Hitsugaya was mad. Even the mention of Karin in danger was a sickening thought to him. There was no question as to whether he would die for her.

_I would run onto a zanpakuto smiling if it meant she would keep breathing!_

**My point exactly. Six years ago, you would not have done that. You would have fought but on an unconscious level, put yourself above her. Now there is no possibility. Change may not always be the best thing but trust me when I say that this is. We will fight together Hitsugaya Toushiro, side by side until the death; like we always have and always will. You have no need of doubt in our abilities.**

_Side by side until the death, Hyourinmaru. _He returned the pledge, feeling a great strength from his zanpakuto.

**Of course, first you're going to have to tell her. That would be after she stops shouting at you of course.**

_Of course._ The thought was more of a groan in his mind. _It isn't my fault I couldn't go back or talk to her for three years. The Soutaicho ordered me back. The only reason I got away with it for so long was because he was too concerned about fixing the aftermath of the war than checking up on walkabout Taicho's. It's not like I could have gotten away with it for much longer anyhow; coupled with the fact our soul communicators are taken away from when we return from missions, there was no conceivable method with which I could have contacted her._

**Hey it's not me you have to convince, it's her.**

_Great. Because of course, we all know Kurosaki's are famous for their ability to listen and be calm._

**She'll understand. She knows how much your division means to you.**

_Do you think he knew? The Soutaicho, about Karin and me?_

**No I don't think so. Thankfully, you've done such a good show of convincing everyone you didn't have anything resembling feelings underneath that icy exterior of yours that they think it would be impossible for you to fall in love.**

_I'm not sure whether I should be insulted or relieved by that._

…**Both.**

_You really know how to make a guy who's worried about the fact the love of his life might have to be hauled off to soul society and have her memories wiped better. _Hitsugaya rolled his eyes.

**Anytime.** With that last statement, the dragon left the conversation and Toushiro was alone with his thoughts once more. He walked into the jewellery shop and walked up to the counter. There was a woman serving behind the counter and she looked up at him as he came to the counter, doing a double take as she saw exactly how good looking he was.

"What can I do for you today sir?" she used her most alluring voice but Hitsugaya, who was used to this in the human world replied in a tone that was so cold it could freeze ice cubes.

"I'd like to purchase the phoenix charm in the window. Before you ask, no just put it in the box, it doesn't need to be wrapped." Karin had never really been one for fancy decoration and he didn't want to spend any more time in the shop being ogled by the assistants than he had to anyway.

"Y-yes. Right away." She hurried away to unlock the cabinet and bring it up to the register, rather afraid of him. Hitsugaya looked disinterestedly around the shop while he waited for her to come back with the phoenix. It was an average jewellery store; walls were showcases up to the register with a few podium cases throughout the room.

She came back and punched in the numbers without another word to him and he handed over the money, having already calculated the total and what change he needed. He walked out of the shop with a stiff nod of thanks to the woman, not looking back as he walked out of the shop.

_Humans; why are they so annoying? This was so much easier to deal with when Karin was here. Oh well, I guess it shouldn't be a problem, I don't really plan on going into many shops. That last trip was more than enough to scare me off from ever shopping with a Kurosaki again._

__

_

* * *

_

He walked around a little longer, waiting for his shift to end. It had been a really long day, emotionally and physically. Maybe he could pass his shift onto someone else...? The thought was tempting but he would never do that. He took pride in being Taicho of the tenth division and he wasn't going to mess around on this mission, just for a longer visit to Karin. He had an entire month with her after all, it wouldn't be right for him to get out of doing his work on the first night. He walked down the street, the box in his pocket. He had no clue where he was going to go next but his feet seemed to be leading him in a direction so he decided to let them take him there. He looked around him; the river was beautiful in the evening. It brought back memories of when he and Karin had spent countless summer days sitting by the river.

_(__Flashback)_

"_Oi! Toushiro! Wake up!" He lazily opened an eye to find Karin's face about three inches away from his. His heart sped up slightly as he realised just how close their lips were._

"_Karin! Get your face out of mine!" She pouted. _

"_You mean I didn't make you jump even a little bit?" She sat down in the grass in a huff as he shook his head. "Damn. One day your over developed Taicho instincts are going to fail you and mark my words, when that happens... BAM! You'll jump a mile from the scare I give you!" She grinned triumphantly and ran down to the water's edge, standing on the embankment with her arms outstretched, staring at the sky. "Have you ever wished you could fly Toushiro? Don't you think it would be wonderful to just feel the wind going through you, swooping free?" She sighed, rather wistfully. He walked up to stand by her side, staring at the exact same part of the sky. It was a beautiful clear blue, the sun shone down on their faces while a lone bird soared. Karin's hand outstretched as if to catch it, but she drew it back afterwards to tuck away a strand of hair that kept escaping her ponytail._

"_You've never seen my Bankai have you Karin?" He spoke softly, considering._

"_No. Toushiro what does that have to do about anything? I was talking about flying in the sky not turning someone into a Popsicle!"_

"_Nothing Karin. Maybe, one day you will fly. You never know right?" He looked at her with a smile. He decided that one day he would take her up. He couldn't right now, using his Bankai in the world of the living with all the unstable reiatsu still left over from the war would create no end of problems._

"_Yeah." She said the word with a sigh. "Sorry, I know I'm weird when I go on about stuff like that." She fixed a smile on her face and Toushiro looked around him quickly._

"_Hey Karin?"_

"_What?" She looked at him expectantly as he grinned._

"_Revenge!" He shouted and then pushed her into the river._

"_Aaah! Hitsugaya you baka! It's freezing. I swear you are so dead when I get out of here!" She stood up in the shallow water, spluttering and trying to make her way to the bank, thankfully the water was quite so she wasn't carried away by the current. Toushiro however just doubled over laughing, not seeing how she got out and came up to him. "So. Very. Dead." She put him into a headlock and dragged him over to the bank, countering his resistance at the edge as she took him out at the knees. He fell rather comically into the water, arms flailing and a very surprised expression. "Hah! Not laughing now are we my little elementary student!" She pointed at him and started to laugh so much it made her clutch her stomach. However she was laughing so hard that she didn't see the way Toushiro smiled slightly at the way she said '__**my**__ little elementary student'._

(Back Again)

He sighed as he thought back to those years. For a genius he could be really dumb sometimes. The signs had all been there; but in his utter stubbornness he had refused to see them, preferring to stay totally oblivious to the facts staring him in the face. When he thought about it, it was a rather amazing feat he had tricked himself into that obliviousness so long. Then again, he never had done anything by halves; it seemed that fooling himself was no exception and neither, in his very limited experience, was falling in love, judging by the nearly overpowering feelings he felt when he thought about her.

_Wow I really am quite a head case. All those times; all those times when I was falling in love with her I was completely unaware. Late night soccer games; helping her cram for exams; sitting on the railing every evening just watching the sun go down, feeling her warmth next to me; eating ice cream on hot days; being chased round the town by her until we were both out of breath because I'd changed the settings on her iPod; sitting by her mom's grave even after the rest of her family had gone home. All those times and I didn't have a clue!_

He gave a little rueful smile. It was weird how just being in this place made him smile more. He walked on, passing several people on the way who paid him no attention. That was one of the good things about the living world; he could pass through unnoticed. No one knew he was a Taicho; he could just walk along the street and be treated with the same indifference every stranger showed another. He could just be someone else for the tiniest time before stepping back into his Haori. Don't misunderstand; that Haori was one of his most prized possessions, it was a sign to the rest of the world that he was good enough, that he deserved the title of Taicho against all those snide comments people made about his cold personality or about his height or his hair. It showed he could achieve something; but sometimes it was just nice to not **have** to prove himself. To not **have **to show he was good enough.

Looking ahead of him, he saw several people who looked vaguely familiar hanging by a wall. He could have sworn he'd seen them before... Crap! They were Karin's soccer mates. He had hung out with them quite a lot when he had been with Karin but they weren't exactly _friends_. There was no avoiding it now, they had already seen them.

"Toushiro?" Their shocked faces were a picture. If he hadn't been trying to work out how to get himself out of this mess he would have found them quite amusing. "My God it really is you!" A boy came up to him; he tried to place a name to the face but it wasn't coming. He was pretty sure it began with an 'R' though.

"Hi. How- How have you been?" His initial panic made him stumble over his words slightly so he made himself take several deep breaths to figure out a way to get out of this.

"We've been OK. Haven't seen you in- what three years?"

"Yeah something like that."

"Karin said that you were going away for a while. Something about your family or whatever; but she said it would only take a few months!"

"Yeah, well; took a bit longer than I thought it would!" He chuckled nervously _Thank God Karin thought up an excuse... I'm going to have to thank her for that later._ "So um... How is Karin?" He didn't really want to spend any more time talking with the nameless boy than possible lest he should slip up but he thought this would be a good opportunity to find out about her life for the past three years before he went charging in to declare his undying love only to find she had a boyfriend. The thought of Karin with someone else made him rather irrationally angry.

The boy opposite paused before answering; causing Hitsugaya to look up and see what had delayed his response. The boy- Ryouhei; that was his name! - shared a look with the group of teenagers behind him. The look instantly put Hitsugaya on his guard and it took all his willpower not to put Hyourinmaru to the unlucky boy's throat and demand he tell him what happened to Karin immediately.

"What?" His voice was dangerously low, his barely concealed anger making the words harsh. Ryouhei sighed; this was going to be hard to say.

"It all started... three years ago. Her father... was killed. In a hit and run bike accident. He... ran in front of it to push Karin out of the way when they were all coming back from one of her games. They say he was dead before his body even hit the floor. The guilt she felt; it changed her. She became withdrawn, stopped eating for a while. She was off school for about a month; she just stayed at home in her room blaming herself. It affected all of them. Then one day she turned up again, so much like her old self. When we tried to talk to her; when we tried to offer her support, she just blanked it out, as if it hadn't happened. We all knew she wasn't getting over it, but we didn't want to pry. Figured it was better to let her work through it in her own time than force her to confront her feelings.

A couple of years passed and we could tell that she was dealing with it. We thought... maybe now we could have _our_ Karin back; the girl who could run circles round us on the soccer field, laughing as she did her little victory dance. But... I guess that was never going to happen. Four months ago, there was an earthquake and- hey where is he?" He blinked at the empty space in front of him; then his expression became resigned, however it contained the tiniest spark of desperation as if what happened next would be crucial. He spoke in a soft voice to himself before turning back to his friends:

"Don't let us down Hitsugaya; we're counting on you to bring her back."

* * *

**And thats it... i hope it wasn't too abrupt an ending but it was too long on its own and i couldn't find a better place to stop it!**

**I hope you enjoyed; please review and tell me what you think :D**

**Rose :)**


	5. Poisonous Words

6 years ago, the Winter War was finished and Aizen died for good. Toushiro and Karin have become best friends but for three years, he has had no contact with her. Sent back to the human world on a mission for a shinigami that shouldn't exist, he finds a broken shell of the girl he knew. As he learns exactly what happened to her, he knows that he is partly to blame and realises for the first time how quick true happiness can be shattered and that you don't always get a second chance at life. Having sworn to help her, he finds himself in a decision that means killing the girl he loves or sacrificing the worlds he swore to protect.

_TOUSHIRO'S THOUGHTS_

_**KARIN'S THOUGHTS**_

Ok this is a short chapter, but I thought it was better on it's own. I'm going on a trip for a few days but I hope you all like this :)

* * *

Chapter 5: We meet Again

Hitsugaya was rushing down the streets wildly, blindly searching for a flash of black hair or the slightest hint of a soccer ball.

_C'mon Karin where are you? Please, please, please don't be dead. If you are... I don't know what I'll do. If you've gone to soul society... four months. Is that enough time to forget? How long does it take for you to not remember people you knew? I don't know, it all happened so long ago to me. God! Please still be here! Please! I'm begging you. Whoever happens to be listening, I don't care. I'll do anything. They said there were no deaths but... what if they're wrong? The system isn't foolproof; I mean, we missed out on the fact Ichigo hasn't used his soul reaper powers for an entire four months. Just be alive and well, so I can hold you in my arms and feel you breathing._

He stopped, breathing heavily; his panic was rising.

_I can't feel her reiatsu at all; there's nothing. She wasn't as high as Ichigo but she had enough that it attracted lesser hollows every now and then. It's as if she doesn't exist anymore. There aren't even any traces._

He blindly set off again, before he knew it he had hurtled onto the green field. He wheeled around desperately looking for her with the ball at her feet even though it was clear she wasn't there. He dropped to his knees, clutching his head in his hands.

_Where is she? Karin, why? Why did you have to be a damned Kurosaki? Why did you have to get mixed up with shinigami and hollows and winter wars? Are you really dead?_

He looked up; breathing heavily from his sudden sprint, his gigai was nowhere near as suited to spontaneous desperate running as his shinigami form was. He couldn't give up merely because she wasn't at this soccer field. For all he knew, there could have been a new pitch built within the time he went away. Maybe she was at Urahara's with her sister as she had frequently done even when Hitsugaya had been in the human world. The red headed boy Jinta had a painstakingly obvious crush on Yuzu, who was the same in regards to the object of her heart; however both were utterly dense about the mutual feelings they had for each other. Yuzu visited the shop a lot and Karin, despite her annoyance towards Urahara would rather, as she had put it one day when he asked her; go up against Hyourinmaru in bankai form with only a frying pan to defend herself than let those two be alone.

_But that doesn't explain her total lack of spiritual pressure. Where are you?_

He closed his eyes and concentrated harder than he had ever before, searching for the tiniest whisper of her reiatsu. Suddenly he felt something. It was weak but still unmistakably alive and well. Still unmistakably-

"Karin's" He breathed the word, immediately taking off running towards her destination; his heart, which had only moments ago felt like it had been run over by fifty ten ton trucks, felt like it was going to fly right out of his chest.

He rushed through the town, creating quite a stir with the inhabitants when he ran across a road and jumped over a car to get across the road without stopping. Though it wouldn't have killed him, it would have been not only problematic in terms of the mission, it would have been far too time consuming to have to go back to Urahara's and get a new gigai before seeking her out once again. Gone now were all thoughts of seeing her afterwards to stop her involvement in the mission. He had just experienced the absolute terror of losing her; that was something he never wanted to experience again. He wanted to see for his own eyes that se was alive, damn the fact that some human didn't get their no-claims-bonus off the insurance (whatever that was- Karin had once explained it to him after a minor hollow attack on a motorway but he hadn't been paying attention).

He started running up the hill when he suddenly recognised where he was going, his pace slowed only slightly as he looked out to the side. The sunset was a beautiful thing, the sky seeming to stretch forever as pinks, oranges and reds ran into one another amongst the clouds that were now dark on top, illuminated underneath by the low sun. This was a sight he could never forget; though when he looked at it as he ran, he realised his memories had never done it justice in any sense of the word. Though he did wonder if it was the fact that Karin had always been sitting next to him, their shoulders touching and hands millimetres from each other; that had made it so wonderful. Shaking his head, he looked forward and saw a figure straight ahead; he instantly knew it was Karin. He put on an extra burst of speed until he stood about three or four paces away from her; silent, just drinking in the sight that his eyes had been deprived of for three years.

_It's her. It's really her; my Karin; standing right before my eyes. I've missed her so much. I can't believe she really is standing right in front of me. I've thought of this place so many times. Every single time I think back to my time here, it always ends like this; me and you by the railing, just watching the sunset and letting another day finish at its own pace. Those sunsets are the last things I think about before I fall asleep; the first thing I think about when I finish a day; the last thing I think about before I go to see Momo. Those sunsets became your voice when I wasn't here to hear it; they became your shoulder when I needed something to support me. But now I can hear your voice again, I can feel your shoulder next to mine; and starting to day, my voice will be the one in your memories and my shoulder will be __**your**__ support._

She was wearing a pair of grey jeans, the ends frayed while her converse sneakers were undone, as if she had done it in a hurry. She had a grey zip up hoodie on and the cuffs were all worn and starting to come apart at the hem. Her hair was past her shoulders but it didn't have the same shine it did the last time he saw her. He could only see half her face as she was turned toward the sunset and as he looked at it, it was utterly blank. He hesitated as he was about to speak, she had lost her father and she blamed herself for it. He had never really had to support anyone (anyone conscious that is); but he would be damned if he was going to let her take the burden of her fathers death on herself.

"Well it's been quite a while hasn't it" Her voice came out flat as she spoke but despite its emotionless tone, the sound of it made Toushiro's heart pound.

"I- yes it has. Three years." His voice was soft as he talked to her, studying her face that didn't change as she spoke. "I wish it hadn't been so long. I wish I could have talked to you before I left. I wish I could have been able to contact you while I was away." He stopped and there was silence between them. Toushiro was unsure exactly how to proceed, so he decided to just go ahead and tell her what he knew. Maybe he would be able to get through to her. "I heard about your Dad's death. Karin I'm so sorry, Isshin was- "

"Shut up." Her interruption was said in a harsh tone, the first sign of emotion she had exhibited so far.

"Karin I know- "

"I said shut up. You think that you are even worthy to speak his name? You're all the same; you and the rest of your precious _shinigami._" The word came out as a sneer. "All high and mighty, playing the martyrs. Every last one of you thinks that you're sacrificing so much for the rest of mankind; but you all just sit up in Seireitei not giving a toss about what happens unless it threatens your pay rise." She spat the words out there and he could see her eyes had turned to loathing, a loathing he had never seen in them.

"Karin..." the word was whispered as he reached an arm out to touch hers. She looked down at it as if it was a cockroach and he withdrew it; shocked to his core. It had never crossed his mind that she would ever hate him, but as he saw now, it seemed that day had come.

"Do not presume that you have the right to touch me. Do not assume that you have the right to call yourself my friend in any way shape or form." She had turned to him now and her face had turned back into an emotionless mask. He found he couldn't speak as the words cut deep into his heart.

_Karin... why?_

* * *

As Karin spoke, she fought to keep her face emotionless. She had let her emotions get the better of her, the self- directed anger she experienced had at one point broken through her mask. As she looked into his eyes, she saw the deep fathomless blue become clouded with hurt. Every time she hurt him it felt like there was a knife cutting into her heart, the words the worst form of blasphemy.

_**Please hate me. Please walk away now and don't come near me again; before I break, before I have to hurt you anymore; before I crumble behind these lies. Please just go, I don't want to have to do this. I know it's selfish but I can't help it. I can see exactly what's going on in your mind as I speak these poisonous lies; it's incoherent thought that ahs been overtaken by confusion and hurt. Oh God why? Why did I have to fall in love with him? Why couldn't I have just left well enough alone when I first met him? It hurts... so much. I should never have kicked my ball that day. I should never have been born. I should have just died along with Mom; that would have been better for everyone.**_

She looked away from him back into the sunset; she was unable to look at him anymore, for if she did she knew she would crumble.

"Why don't you just go? Why did you even have to talk to me in the first place? You know, I wish you had just let that hollow eat me; it would have been preferable to having you shinigami in our lives. Then at least I would have been spared those three years of having to put up with you every day."

Her voice had turned cold now; her eyes were set with determination.

_**I love him. That means I have to hurt him. I'd rather you hurt than dead Toushiro. You'll understand soon.**_

She prepared herself for him to go, or to shout in her face; something other than what he did do which was grab her arm and spin her round to face him.

"I don't believe you!" His voice was intense as he stared into her eyes "Why are you lying to me? The Karin I knew wouldn't hang out with someone she didn't want to! If you really thought I was such a thorn in your side then you would have told me from day one! I don't believe you." He looked right into her black orbs; the little purple flecks were barely visible. The lack of emotion he saw in them scared him but he kept holding on to her.

_What is it Karin? What is it that has made you so utterly scared of yourself? What is it that's making you do this? Please tell me; I love you! You can tell me anything and I'll stay by your side._

For the tiniest of moments he saw a flicker in her eyes; the smallest light came back into her eyes but the next second it was gone. He gripped her tighter, wanting to chase after that flicker and keep it safe; keep it in her eyes forever but make it so that he could see it always - anything other than the blank stare he was receiving now.

She looked back, seeing his eyes search hers and she felt hope- the tiniest amount. Maybe she didn't have go through with this after all.

_**Maybe there is a way… What if-**_

_**NO! I can't let this faze me. Toushiro… you know me far too well and you're too noble for your own damn good. The fact you see right through me just means I owe you this twisted form of saviour even more; because you understand me more than anyone. Even more than Yuzu did. I didn't want to have to do this but… now I guess I have no choice. Just know that I hate myself for this; more than I ever thought possible. I know that it is a long shot but I hope that what I'm about to say won't hurt you as much as I know it will.**_

Her hearrt felt like itwas being ripped from her chest as the words she was about to say rose in her throat; bruning her flesh like poison

****

**__**

**_I love you. I hope that one day you'll know that._**

* * *

Toushiro saw her eyes turn hard and cruel, something he had never seen there before. For the first time in his entire life, he felt truly afraid for her. Even in the times when he had had to protect her from a hollow, there had always been no chance of him losing. When she was hit on by boys from her school, or there was a particularly lecherous guy, he knew she could protect herself and if that failed, he would walk barefoot through hell before he allowed anything to happen to her.

But right now; with the way she was looking at him, he felt afraid for her. This was something he didn't know how to protect her from this; from the thing that was eating her up inside.

"How's Hinamori these day's Toushiro; still unconscious?" he released his grip as if he had been burned, shocked to his very core; the words attacked his mind, rendering him speechless; the sneer she attached to his name cutting into his heart. "Well I guess she would be considering the fact she was a pathetic excuse for a shinigami in the first place." He felt his throat close and he took a step back from her, the words just repeating over and over in his mind; seeping like acid through his veins. "I'll never know how she made fukutaicho. It's probably because she was so easy to manipulate. Face it she was _weak_. It was only a matter of time before someone tried to do us all a favour and kill her. I guess that was one thing Aizen did right."

His mind was screaming while he just stared at her; the girl he thought would always stand by his side. He fought to speak; to shout; to yell at her to stop. He fought to stop himself from running away or falling to his knees utterly brought down by her words.

"She was a failure. A useless waste of spirit energy! I bet everyone was practically jumping for joy when they heard she wasn't going to wake up." She had a sadistic expression on her face; a sneer in place of the smile he had so often seen adorn her mouth in days gone by. Her eyes were harsh and cold; all he could see was the cruelty her words were infused with.

"No." It took Hitsugaya a moment to realise it had come from his mouth. "No she isn't. Hinamori is brave. She's kind and she's generous. Her willingness to accept people and love them whole heartedly was the only reason she ever looked up to Aizen. She could see all the things he was doing but she still had faith in him. She still stood by his side because he was her Taicho. It was her duty! Maybe it wasn't the right thing to do but she made a decision she thought would be best and she stuck by it. At least she actually cared about someone enough to never desert them; to never _betray_ them. Hinamori was and is a pure, righteous individual is worth more than most shinigami!" He finished his tirade out of breath slightly while he looked at her, trying to gauge her reaction. All he saw was her eyes go blank and she turned; starting to walk away. He was about to follow when her voice stopped him.

"Goodbye Hitsugaya Toushiro; Taicho of the tenth division, brother to Hinamori Momo and shinigami of Seireitei. I won't be seeing you." Her figure retreated away from him. Something about the way she had said that froze him to the ground, the adrenaline from his outburst starting to recede. When he could no longer make her out against the now rapidly darkening sky; he fell to one knee, an overwhelming sadness crashing on him.

"Karin…" He whispered, but the word was lost in the blackness; the wind blowing it away as if it had never been said.

* * *

This chapter was quite hard to write but hopefully i got it right! Thankyou everyone who has reviewed alerted and favourited my story, they make me really happy XD

Please review this and tell me what you think!

Rose :)


	6. Half Truths and Masks

**Ahem. Yes I have finally updated...this is spectacularly late and I apologise...a lot! However the good thing is I dont have any more exams! (well exams that i plan to revise for anyway) so (and this is fingers crossed) the next chapter should be coming out much much sooner! a few things:- **

**thanks to fanimelexis who gave me the good idea of putting it on usb and taking it to the library to upload because of some stupid technology problems :D**

**If there are any weird line cuts then this is because I was writing it on crazy software (damn technology) so if you spot any please pm or leave me a review saying where they are so i can fix them!**

**anywho, for now- onto chapter 6!**

**_thoughts_**

**normal speech/ text**

* * *

Chapter 6: Half- Truths and Masks.

Karin walked until she knew he couldn't see her anymore. She stopped and leant against the wall that was running along side her, covering her face with her hands. What had she done? Those words... They were too much. She had crossed the line no one was ever meant to. There would be no redemption now; but at least she did what she had set out to do. He hated her. Her throat felt like it was being constricted and her lungs felt tight. Her breath hitched and came out in a sob. It carried on, her lungs and throat crying while her eyes remained dry. She felt like tearing her tongue out; the words had left an acidic taste in her mouth. They weren't true, they were lies designed to hurt. She never intended to say them; she had never thought she would have to go that far. The guilt and horror washed over her again and again in tidal waves. She slid down the wall and drew her knees into her body, knowing right now that she could never atone for what she had done.

Toushiro looked into the sunset. His surprise and shock over his encounter with Karin was reversing with anger quickly taking its place. The words she said made him curl his fists up and grit his teeth to stop him from punching the tree that was to his side. Those words... How could she say those things? After how much he had trusted her with everything. She knew everything about him; he had omitted no detail of his life, not even the most painful parts. How did she repay him? By throwing it in his face and breaking his heart without so much as blinking.

He felt his eyes become moist with angry tears. He shook his head irritably to keep them away. He wouldn't show any weakness, he wouldn't give her the satisfaction.

"After everything..." His voice was quiet. But he then turned his face up to the sky and shouted it to the heavens.

"AFTER EVERYTHING!"

He punched the tree, his restraint failing; continuing the action until his knuckles were raw and bleeding. At this point he dropped his fist and slumped to the ground, his anger still clear through the shaking of his body. But he could tell that much of that anger he felt was directed at himself. As much as he wanted to blame Karin, he found he couldn't. He was furious at her but he couldn't find it in himself to blame her; the  
real Karin, that is, not the cruel twisted version he had just found. He was angry that there was something in this world that would drive her to such limits, he was angry that he hadn't stopped that thing from taking her over but mostly he was angry that he had broken the most important vow he had ever made.

After his failure to protect Hinamori, after the continuous days of waiting and waiting for her to wake up, he had sworn that no matter what he would protect those that were  
important to him without a thought. That applied to Hinamori, Matsumoto and Karin. For those three only would he give his life with no hesitation or questions asked. He would give everything.

But now he had not only failed to protect Karin from tragedy he had failed to protect Hinamori from both Aizen's sword and Karin's poisonous words. He clenched his fists again as he saw an image of Hinamori's laughing face come into his mind, smiling at him. "Toushiro, I don't care what they say; me and you are family, even if we don't have the same blood. Well always protect each other; well always be there for the other on those days when no one else is. We can count on each other Shiro, forever and ever!" It faded from his mind, the only remnants were the echo of his sisters laugh a sound he hadn't heard come from her in six years; only heard when relived again and again in his mind.

Why did he always fail? How could she do that?

"Argh!" He shouted in frustration and wanted to throw something. He looked around and found a fair sized rock that would be good enough to get some force behind, then threw it with all his might at another tree a few hundred yards away. It embedded itself in the trunk with a satisfying thud that made him feel slightly better for a few seconds until it all came crashing back to him.

One thing didn't feel right to him. There was something about how she walked away. As if she was desperately trying to keep herself together. Her footsteps a little to quick and irregular, her shoulders hunched slightly. That wasn't the way someone who wanted to be cruel walked. I was as if... The words she said gave her three times the  
pain they caused him.

But even so, that didn't change what she said. Her betrayal weighed on him so heavily he found it difficult to breathe. In that instant he made a decision. He swung both his legs over the railing and took off running for the second time that night. He was going after her and he was going to make her talk dammit. There was no way in the whole of soul society that he was going to sit back and watch while she tried to destroy what was between them. He was going to find out why she said those things, and then he was going to fix it. Fix it so well that she would never break again.

"KARIN!" he yelled her name as he saw a figure slumped against the wall that ran along opposite to their railing. At his shout he saw her look up in surprise. Fe a split second he thought he saw a small expression of hope on her face before it turned into a mask again. Though this time it was different; more ruffled, hastily put up. She wasn't prepared for this and he was going to take full advantage of it, to use it to get through to the hidden part of her.

"What do you want?" She was looking around, her eyes flickering from  
his face to the surrounding area, looking for a way of escape.

"Where are you?" His voice betrayed a small bit of the anger he felt but he looked right into her eyes, searching them for an answer he knew he wouldn't hear from her mouth. Her eyes were afraid and her voice came out in a bad imitation of her earlier empty hollow tones.

"I thought I made my sentiments on ever seeing you again quite clear."

"Answer my damned question!" He took hold of her shoulders "Where's the Karin who I spent every day with for three years? Where's the Karin who would meet me on the roof of her school for lunch every day? Where's the girl who when I said she looked nice in a dress took me into the nearest pharmacy and announced loudly I had piles? Where's the Karin who sat next to me sunset after sunset just letting me by myself? Where is the girl who broke down every one of my shields without even trying and then replaced them with her own that were ten times as strong?" He stared intensely into her eyes showing her he meant every word. "Where is she? Because I don't see her in front of me." He stepped away from her and waited for her to answer.

"People change. The Karin you knew isn't here anymore; she's gone with everyone else. I'm what's left. You reap what you sow, but I guess I turned out to be the wrong kind of crop."

She had finally got a grip on her emotions now and her blank expression was back. "I meant every word I said about her Hitsugaya so don't think I said it because of some higher reason. I told you the truth. I guess you're still fooling yourself."

He stared at her and his anger came into full force. He saw there was no trace of the Karin he loved; this was just a cold hearted shell in front of him.

"How dare you. You know nothing! I have lived hundreds of years with her! I know her better than anyone yet you think you have the right to slander her name to get back at me? I never knew that a Kurosaki could be such a coward!" The words that came out of his mouth shocked the rational part of his mind, he had no idea where they had come from and he didn't even remember thinking them. However the angry part of him, the one that was claiming dominance right now roared its approval, while in the back of his head he wondered if he had gone too far.

She clenched her fists and when she spoke her voice was slightly choked as if there was too much emotion in her to fully suppress it.

"If you wish to talk about cowardice then a few names you're quite familiar with should come up. Starting with yours! Every single one of you Shinigami dragged my brother into a world of war that he didn't need to be a part of! You all hid behind him on the battlefield, cowering behind a boy who had such an overdeveloped sense of honour that he wasn't willing to let any one die while he could sacrifice himself in their place!"

He stared coldly at the girl in front of him; her slurs on his courage only incensed him. He was no longer shouting in rage, but a low frozen calm had settled in his voice that would have even the strongest Shinigami retreating.

"If I remember correctly it was me who fought next to your brother in the final battle. It was me who helped your brother bring the fatal blow to Aizen. There was no cowardice or hiding in that I can assure you. Hinamori is a very dear friend to me, what you perceive as weakness I see as strength. Her ability to believe in people and  
support them surpasses everyone. She was willing to risk everything she had in order to clear Aizen's name, to the point where she sacrificed herself. I don't care what you say about me but nothing you say or do will ever make me have doubt in her."

When he stopped speaking, the both of them faced each other, unmoving and not speaking. The silence became longer and heavier, until Karin took a half step toward him. She raised her hand as if to reach out to him but she stopped halfway and instead dragged it through her hair trying to make it seem as though she was utterly unaffected. However, Hitsugaya saw right through it. Right now she was hurting. Badly. Guilt clenched his stomach but he remained quiet, his anger had still not completely abated. She spoke after a slight pause, her eyes were completely and desolately empty, not as if she was putting the wall up again but as if there was nothing left inside of her to hide.

"I have my reasons for saying what I did. You have defended yourself and Hinamori; you have returned the insult and now therefore have no further business with me. This is where we part for the last time." She inclined her head slightly as a sign of goodbye, and then walked right past him, not looking at him only at the horizon ahead. As she went past him, their hands brushed for a tiny moment. The shock made her pause and stand at his side, eyes wide with the force of longing and love that made her want to take his hand and never let it go.

Hitsugaya was tense, he wanted to reach out to her so badly- even if she wasn't the same, crazy as it was he still loved her. He didn't want to break the spell that held her still but he couldn't fight the urge to keep the distance up. The tension between them built as neither dared make a move. Suddenly, they moved at the same time, he flexed his fingers towards her hand while she pulled away, millimetres of air between their two skins before they were further apart than ever as Karin walked away and he did not follow.

He did not look to see where she was going; he did not turn his head to look in her direction. He couldn't do it. He stood there for lord knows how many minutes while he experienced wave after wave of different emotions. First came his anger, then confusion, then guilt, then anger again, then sadness with a bit of heartbreak mixed in and anger once more. Finally he just let it out with a weary sigh and walked to sit on the railing. He had never sat on this bit before and he wondered why. It was an idle wonder, one that kept his mind busy from having to face the truth about the events that had just occured; from having to admit that the girl he loved was lost inside herself so deep that he might not be able to pull her back.

He had to talk to Ichigo. He would know what was going on, how it happened. If this had been any other circumstance, he would have Yuzu, the one who knew her best but the girl knew nothing about Shinigami or souls and he had a feeling that they would feature heavily in the real story. Sometimes he envied that child; to have enough faith that people you loved would come back, requiring only that knowledge and nothing more to pacify your fears. His faith in people was by no means permanent; the years of waiting to see his sister wake up had eroded away his capacity to blindly believe in the unknown.

Ichigo would know, he would find out the whole story and somehow figure a way to fix this. Because he owed her that much.

He stood up and took out his phone, pressing a couple of buttons. When it picked up he spoke before the person on the other side had time to say hello.

"Kuchiki bring Kurosaki to Urahara's now. I don't care what you're in the middle of, it can be finished later. This is extremely important so make sure his reiatsu doesn't get above the normal levels. If his reiatsu goes up with no hollow there, it puts the anomaly on alert. I don't want to have to deal with that while I'm talking to Kurosaki."  
He flipped the phone down and started running to the shop, determined to get there as soon as possible. He needed the answers to his questions right now, no more withholding, no more hesitation, the plain hard facts and the full story now.

Running back through the town he was even more careless of his surroundings than he was before, and quite a few times he bumped into people and then took off again before waiting to see if they were alright. When he came to the train tracks, the barriers were coming down so he put on an extra burst of speed, making it under the first one but he wasn't quick enough to avoid the second from barring his  
way. Quickly he jumped over it without breaking his stride, earning him a lot of gasps and exclamations as his feet touched the ground just as the train passed through. A few seconds earlier and it would have been problematic, he didn't really want to have to stop and perform Konso at a time like this.

A few minutes later he raced into the shop, recovering his breathing quickly as he stood just inside the door. He was about to carry on into the shop when he realised that there was something out of place. Every single time he had come here there had always been one of the children Urahara had taken in either sweeping the shop or lugging boxes. Now as he looked around he saw neither child (though he guessed they wouldn't still be children now). For some reason this gave him an extremely uneasy feeling in his stomach. He was about to carry on into the back room when suddenly someone came bursting out from the store room, not seeing Toushiro and ignoring the girl who was calling after him.

"Jinta! You have to let go of the past and trust in Urahara! He said there is more to this than we know!" her normally shy voice was made stronger by the panic in her voice.

The girl came out, easily recognisable from three years ago despite the fact she had grown quite a bit, due to the ridiculously long bangs in the middle of her face. The boy just carried on ignoring her and instead ran straight into Hitsugaya, dropping the paper he was holding. Toushiro picked it up off the floor, and looked at it absentmindedly until it was snatched out of his grip. Jinta cradled the paper to his chest like it was a holy relic while glaring at the stony faced Taicho.

"How's your girlfriend Hitsugaya?" His name was said in a scathing tone that instantly made his hackles rise. "Still a cold hearted murderer?" Before he could floor the red head and demand an explanation for the strange and insulting words, Jinta had gone.

"Hitsugaya Taicho I'm so sorry. They're waiting for you in the back  
room." She flicked her eyes quickly after the direction the boy had gone, worry evident in her eyes.

"Ururu, what did he mean by that?" He fixed her with a penetrating stare but she did not flinch, she only looked back at him with a respectful bow and sad eyes.

"Please, they're waiting for you." She motioned to the back room. He looked at her shrewdly and made his way through, his uneasiness only intensifying while his earlier anger came back as he remembered exactly why he was here. His face set as he entered the room though the scene in front of him was not what he had been expecting.

In a circle there were nine people sat at the table all with tea in front of them. Urahara was on his immediate right with his head bent and his face concealed with his fan. Yoruichi was next to him, crossed arms and legs with her eyes closed: then came Tessai whose face was impassive as he sat with his knees under him. He carried on and saw Yamada and Uotana looking at the table in front of them in silence, though Uotana was at that point occupied with typing into her soul pager. Matsumoto came next, looking back at him with her crystal eyes. He saw confusion in them, she didn't know what was happening either; but he also saw that mix of worry and intense focus she always got when she thought something was about to go very very wrong. He carried on and saw a very sombre Renji then a sad Rukia.

Between the two best friends was Ichigo but Hitsugaya barely recognised him. The substitute's face was lined and in his eyes was a grief that Hitsugaya didn't like to look at. Rukia's hand rested on his shoulder in a comforting way but Ichigo ignored it. Well not so much ignored it but didn't seem to realise it was there.

"Please do sit Hitsugaya Taicho." There was no trace of cockiness in Urahara's voice as he indicated the cushion by Hitsugaya's feet. Hitsugaya sat down and eyed everyone around the table, slightly wary of what was to come. When he got to Ichigo he met those hazel eyes and saw the depth of his pain, depth that scared him slightly.

"I guess you'd better start at the beginning Kurosaki. And don't leave anything out."

Ichigo looked back down to his drink and began speaking. His voice was filled with grief and as everyone became utterly still, it was the only sound in the room.

"Three years ago when you left and didn't come back, Karin changed. They were tiny things that you would only notice on the periphery of your consciousness when they happened. We figured it was just a phase she was going through and she did grow out of it. For three years our lives had peace. No interruptions from Shinigami or abnormal activity, we could all just carry on being human. I got to see my sisters growing up being normal, not having to keep a secret that their brother was off fighting or training in a war they didn't understand in a location that was god knows where to them. They were able to be human, as normal as they possibly could be. It was... more than I can put into words, the feelings of how much those years meant to our family. But in the end it didn't matter. None of it mattered because life's a bastard and when things start going right, it screws you over again." There was an intense anger in his voice but strangely enough his reiatsu didn't rise. Actually now he thought about it, Ichigo was keeping a tighter than usual lid on his reiatsu- it was that of an average shinigami's. Finally the boy had learnt control.

"I was home from college when it happened. Karin was in front of us all and she went to cross the road. But around the corner came this guy on a motorbike. There was no way she could have seen it, but he was going so fast it would have killed her. Dad ran out into the road and pushed her out the way but... he was hit instead. He was killed instantly. We never did find out who did it. The guy fell off his bike but once he'd got up he ran off, scared. We were all too preoccupied with dad to go after him and find out who he was. Karin was trying to get him breathing again but it wasn't working. She was crying; we all were. I had Yuzu in my arms while Karin knelt by him. I don't know how long it took the ambulance to get there. They didn't even try to resuscitate him, just loaded him into a body bag and took him to the morgue. We all just stood there in the street not quite believing it; I was holding them both, Yuzu still sobbing while Karin just stared into space, shocked."

Ichigo's voice trailed off, his eyes were looking at the table but Hitsugaya could tell that they were seeing something completely different. They were seeing what they had seen that night, a succession of horrible things.

In an attempt to get him talking again Hitsugaya spoke. "What I don't understand is why soul society wasn't notified your father was killed. As an ex captain, he would have been able to rejoin the Gotei thirteen."

It was a minute before Ichigo replied ad Hitsugaya was about to repeat himself, thinking that his question had not registered.

"His soul appeared. Almost straight away after the ambulance had gone. He said that he didn't want soul society to know. That he had left there for mom and he wasn't planning on wasting a second chance of having a life with her. After the grand fisher was purified, her soul should have ended up in soul society. After that he said goodbye to us all, I performed a Konso on him and that was it. He was gone. A week later we had the funeral, Yuzu hadn't stopped crying since but it was Karin I was worried about. She didn't have any reaction. Spoke only when spoken to, ate very little. I tried to help her, I did but... Nothing worked. It carried on for months. I came home to look after them, arranged for all my college work to be done through the internet and the work sent home. It took months and months before she showed even the tiniest sign of the Karin we once knew."

"We were having dinner; Yuzu and I were just chatting quietly, we'd both recovered even though it still hurt. She just stood up and left the table. All we could do was stare at her when she said she was going to play soccer. She even tried to smile. It was tiny and sort of a grimace but it felt like the biggest grin in the world to us. Slowly but surely she returned to herself, seeming to let go of the guilt and it finally felt like everything would be OK from now on. And then four months ago, the worst happened."

Toushiro tensed his hands, balling them into fists. So far he had kept a tight rein on his emotions but he knew that what he heard next was not going to be a happy ending.

"Yuzu had gone out to get some stuff for dinner and Karin went with her because it was already dark. They were on their way back when the sky ripped open."

Matsumoto gasped, her hands flew to her mouth and her eyes wide with horror as realisation struck her.

_No. Oh dear god no_.

Toushiro was dreading what the end to the tale was, too afraid to follow the chain of thought that had started in his head.

"Two menos grande came through. Karin tried to get Yuzu to run while she tried to fight them-" Ichigo was cut off by Urahara clearing his throat. Toushiro shot an annoyed glance at him, too focused on Ichigo to express his anger further. However he managed to catch a look Urahara gave Ichigo. He couldn't tell exactly what it meant but from the way Ichigo gave the tiniest nod, he figured it was some kind of a warning. Ichigo started to talk again and Hitsugaya decided to press the matter later.  
"Karin shouted for Yuzu to go get me while she tried to distract them. Both had quite high reiatsu so I was able to tell that they were in trouble. When I felt the menos too, I just reacted and started running toward their signatures. I don't know how it happened but just before I got there, I felt Yuzu's disappear. She just dropped off my senses. It felt like the bottom of my world had dropped out too."

Toushiro closed his eyes and fisted his hands in his jeans. Hearing about this made him want to go to hueco mundo and slay every single hollow in sight.

"When I got there I found that Karin was trying to hide herself behind a partially destroyed wall with an unconscious Yuzu while at the same time trying to wake her up. I immediately used bankai to get rid of the menos but... I don't know what happened, whether she was hit by a bit of debris or if the overload on her mind was too much, but when I turned round to take them back, Karin was unconscious as well."

Rukia started rubbing her hand on his back in soothing circles. Hitsugaya was shocked, he had no idea that something like this could happen without them finding out. Surely Rukia had to have known, she and Ichigo would talk often. They had managed to convince the Soutaicho to give Ichigo a soul communicator on the grounds that every Shinigami in the human world was required to have one (conveniently forgetting to mention that Kurosaki was only a substitute). They managed to procure one and Rukia said she had lost hers on a mission and was unable to give it back to Research and Development. It was common knowledge amongst the gossipers (I.e. Matsumoto; therefore him) that they used them to talk all the time.

He didn't know how this could have happened without soul society having any clue whatsoever. Something started to nag at the back of his mind but he couldn't quite touch on it. It irritated him no end but he turned his focus back to Ichigo as he continued speaking.

"It took three weeks for Karin to wake up. She was in the hospital with three broken ribs, a fractured skull and both legs broken. It was... different for Yuzu. She hadn't just been unconscious, she was in a coma. Zero amount of brain activity; she had taken an extremely bad hit to her head causing severe trauma. There was no way she would have been able to wake up; all the doctors told me the same thing. That the Yuzu I knew was dead; gone from this world, all that was left of her was the body she used to own.

But I could see her face in front of me. 'That's her face,' I thought. 'the one that was able to pull out a smile no matter what. Those are her hands, the ones that would hold mine when she was scared; the ones that held mine at dad's funeral when she thought that I needed support. That's her hair. The hair I would always ruffle, getting scolded for messing it up.' I couldn't believe that someone who had had so much inside them could now be so…empty.

Orihime tried to help both of them but, even though she managed to fix Karin's injuries, neither of my sisters woke up. Nothing she tried would make it happen. The only difference between their conditions was that Karin had some level of brain activity. It took a few weeks of holding my breath, sitting between their two beds to realise that selfishly keeping Yuzu here alive was killing her. If I let her go, she could go on to soul society and have a second chance at life. If I let her go, I would be able to see that smile; hold her hand; ruffle her hair once more. So I asked them to turn off the life support machine. She was gone within a few minutes. I knew right then that there was no way in hell Karin was going to forgive me for doing it before she had a chance to say good bye.

Karin woke up an hour after Yuzu was proclaimed officially dead. The first thing she asked me was where Yuzu was. It was... the worst moment of my life. Worse than having to see my fathers soul disappear into the air. Worse than watching the line on the monitor getting straighter and straighter and hearing my little sister flat line. Telling Karin that I was the person who killed Yuzu, that I was the reason for our family once more being whittled down like contestants on some sick horrific game show, was something I couldn't do. I had already ruined our family enough; I didn't want to be responsible for hurting my last remaining family member too. At least not yet. I told myself 'later, when she's completely recovered, when she's calm. When she will understand that I had to kill her in order to keep her alive.'

But I was just running away from the problem; hiding behind flimsy excuses that fell down with the tiniest breath of wind. She knew. I could see it in her eyes and she could see it in mine but we both pretended not to look. I kept it from her for a whole week. She found out after the funeral, I was about to take her home. She was sitting on the bed, waiting for me facing the window with her back to the door. She said "I'm never going to see her again am I?" I tried to tell her that one day she would buy she just kept shaking her head and repeating again and again that she wouldn't. I told her wait and see, Yuzu's soul would turn up, and she could say goodbye. We both could. But her soul never did come. To this day I'm still waiting."

Ichigo stood up and went to the window, his back to everyone and Toushiro knew it was so no one would see the tears in the boy's eyes that were so evident in his voice. "After that everything fell apart. Karin hated me. She pushed everyone away. She would constantly push me away. It was only after that night in the graveyard that I left her alone. I was only hurting her more by staying close. And now there's nothing I can do. She won't let me near her though God knows I've tried. She won't let anyone in. She dropped out of high school and became what she is today; what you saw earlier, Toushiro. A broken shell of who she was, all the happiness replaced by a bitter hate that is eating her up inside."

Ichigo stopped talking. It was utterly silent in the room as they all digested everything they had just heard. Toushiro felt his mind going into shock. The utter hopelessness of Ichigo's tale was a lot to take. He knew that when a soul didn't turn up within the first few weeks, then the chances of it ever happening were next to nothing. No soul who has taken longer than eighteen days to become present in either soul society or the real world had ever materialised. It rarely happened but when it did, there was nothing that could be done. No daring rescue, no clever operation. It was over. Even reincarnation was impossible because the soul no longer existed. Ichigo would be waiting forever for Yuzu to come back. There was no hope. He knew for a fact Yuzu had not ended up in soul society because her reiatsu would have been set off as soon as she entered the world. The minute people became aware of her being Kurosaki's younger sister; she would have been brought to the seireitei. The boys name was well known even through rukongai. He thought back to Karin and her words to Ichigo.  
'She's never coming back is she?' the finality of that sentence made his heart squeeze. He wasn't sure what was worse; the blind hope Ichigo possessed that would never be rewarded or the raw biting truth that was pushing Karin deeper and further into her despair every second.

He pushed his emotions to the back of his mind, knowing that if he didn't keep a tight rein on them, he would end up going after Karin and making things infinitely worse.

"What happened that night at the graveyard?" He received no answer and he was about to ask again through his clenched teeth when he caught Matsumoto's eyes. They were full of sadness and grief, along with a substantial amount of water but it was quite clear she was saying to leave it alone. Ichigo clearly wasn't going to answer and pressing the matter would only serve to irritate the boy and do nothing to help Karin's current situation.

Toushiro stood up quickly, his face still utterly tight and his eyes down. He walked out to the continuance of everyone's silence, watched by Urahara from underneath the brim of his hat. Ichigo did not look back to see who had left, he already knew. He replied in a voice that was so soft that no one but himself heard it.

"I don't remember."

* * *

Urahara got up and followed the boy, to find him standing at the front door with his fist embedded in the door frame.

"Now Hitsugaya I would really prefer you to not mangle my doorframes, it's so tiresome having to replace them all the time." The man gave a melancholy sigh as he pulled out his fan.

"You knew." His voice was low and dangerous tone that would have any normal person running for the hills. However Urahara merely stayed silent, waiting for the captain to continue. "You knew about all of this. Why did you not tell me? Tell soul society. Never mind the fact that I'm in l- I'm her best friend, but not even tell soul society that there was in fact a death from a menos attack and the soul had not turned up for burial?" Hitsugaya could not stop the anger from seeping into his voice.

Urahara's reply was in a serious tone Hitsugaya had lately heard all too frequently "Because, Hitsugaya Taicho, sometimes there are matters that cannot be resolved by authority or power, nor can any good come from rushing into something that is not fully understood by those who have the power to fix it."

Hitsugaya turned to face the infuriating man.

"Just stop! Stop with all the stupid, endless riddles that serve only to further your own amusement. Those are people's lives you play with!" He was shouting now, his earlier anger coming back and mounting to the anger he felt from what he had just heard, but he didn't care that his voice had risen so that everyone else in the shop would have been able to hear him. "Karin's life! She's cutting herself off from everyone but all you do is smirk behind your fan and drink your tea watching and arranging us like marionettes!" He was furious. Furious at Urahara, furious at whom Karin had become, furious at himself. All he felt was anger, it coursed through him and made his hands shake at his side curled into fists.

"Hitsugaya Taicho, your personal opinion of myself does not concern me in any way. However I will not be drawn into your argument with yourself, nor will I let you pin blame on me for past events. All I ask is that you trust me when I say that despite my conviction in what must be done; it does not stop me from wishing that there was something that would stop this madness. The outcome will be the same whatever is done. It is far too late to change what will happen, what matters now is how it happens. That is something we have the power to control. Something you have the power to control."

Toushiro didn't know what to say. He had an awful feeling that he was out of his depth and if he wasn't careful he was going to drown.

"What do I need to do?" He spoke through his teeth.

"Come back inside and come up with a plan for dealing with the anomaly. By tonight, if everything happens as it should, you may well find yourself going back home."

Urahara turned to go back inside but stopped when he heard no movement from the boy behind him.

"No. I can't leave her now." Hitsugaya's voice was low. "I won't leave her again. Not like this, not while she spirals down like this." There was a still silence for a few heartbeats then Urahara carried on walking.

"Come inside Hitsugaya Taicho."

* * *

Karin stepped inside her house and closed the door. She rested her head on the door trying not to give in to the weakness inside her but it was too much. Her legs gave out underneath her and she collapsed to the floor in a miserable heap. She stared at the skirting board that was a few inches from her face.

_Well done Kurosaki. You got what you wanted. You are now truly alone, you burnt all you bridges._

"You still can't do it though. You can't take the pills and the bottle. You're too much of a coward." She spoke aloud in a sneering voice, as to why though she had no idea. It's not like there was someone listening.

She got up and went through to the kitchen. She looked at the table, and suddenly saw her family right in front of her. It wasn't so much as remembering as hallucinating. All four of them were gathered round. Yuzu had just finished putting it all on the table and was sitting down while Isshin and Ichigo fought to get the first serving, not realising that there was a second bowl full of rice that Karin was helping herself too. Yuzu was trying to stop the two boys fighting by distracting dad. She started saying something about how she had found a new recipe that she wanted to try out for the weekend. Karin started talking to Ichigo about how she was going to utterly defeat everyone in tomorrow's soccer tryouts. Ichigo joked about something and all four of them were laughing.

The scene froze in front of her as Karin reached out towards Yuzu. Her golden haired twin was mid laugh, her mouth in a huge open grin, her eyes gazing right at her fifteen year old self with a look so full of love it made Karin's heart feel like it was being crushed between two huge metal walls that were slowly moving inwards, the pain increasing infinitesimally every second, being drawn out for as long as possible.

Her hand went to touch her twins face; it had been so long since she had seen it. Just as she was about to come into contact with Yuzu's cheek, the illusion was gone and she was left with her hand outstretched in thin air, staring at a blank wall with her mouth half forming words but with no sound coming out. Her hand dropped as all she heard was the echo of Yuzu's laugh as the last remnants of the hallucination faded.

"I'm sorry Yuzu. Though how saying that now matters I have idea."

She turned around and looked at the bottle and the pills beside it. For the past few months they had been the things her works revolved around. It made her sick to think about it. But she was just tired now. Tired of having to keep this up. Tired of not being able to feel. She just wanted to be who she used to. Was that too much to ask? Of course it was.

* * *

Ichigo stared out of the window. Everyone else had left to go to the training ground to devise a strategy. He just stared, feeling utterly adrift in the sea of horror that was his life. His heart ached as he thought over and over the last words his father had said to him_._

_"Ichigo, I'm trusting you to look after them. As the older brother it is now your responsibility to make sure that they will always live on, whether that is here or in soul society. I have faith in you Ichigo, not only are you a noble and honourable Shinigami; you are a noble and honourable human as well. I love you son."_

_... I'm trusting you to protect them...  
_  
He bent his head as hot tears ran down his face. "I couldn't even protect them from two menos. I thought they would be fine to go out. I thought they could handle themselves against a small fry hollow. But menos...they never stood a chance. And now I'm even more useless than ever."

Rukia walked into the room and stood tentatively behind Ichigo. When she had first seen him it had been such a shock. She had been prohibited from going to the human world for a year and a half due to her captain's disease taking a turn for the worse (he had recovered after a few months, however she'd had to take over the majority of the paperwork, having been given temporary Taicho class authority in order to do so. The only things her captain had been allowed to fill out were ones that included the request for more training supplies and most of the time Rukia took those off her Taicho anyway).

She had tried to get in touch with Ichigo often but a year ago it just stopped. She received a text saying that college was too busy to talk and he would call her when it calmed down. To this day she was still waiting for that call.

But knowing now what she did about what he'd had to struggle through alone, she was no longer angry or preparing to carry out the violent scenarios of revenge she had come up with in her darkest moments; she only felt a guilt for not realising earlier that he was avoiding her for a good reason, not cheating on her like she had thought.

"Are you ok?" Her voice sounded small in the quiet room. He smiled bitterly.

"Don't ask pointless questions Rukia. You know the answer to that."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Her eyes searched the back of him, as if it held the answers to everything.

He didn't reply for a while and she was about to leave him and maybe let a few selfish tears of her own out when no one was looking, when he answered her.

"Do you remember that day we sat in the Kuchiki grounds after the war?"

"I- yes I remember."

"Do you remember what I asked you?"

"Yes." She was whispering now, tentatively reaching out an arm to put her hand on his shoulder before thinking better of it and drawing it back into her chest.

"Tell me."

"You asked me why I told you not to come after me. Why I didn't want you to save me."

"I remember every word of your answer." He paused slightly then carried on speaking, letting it play over his eyes. "You said that you didn't want me to save you because you didn't want me dead. That even though you didn't know it, back then you loved me too much to take a chance I might not live through it.

That's what I was doing Rukia. I didn't tell you because it wasn't and still isn't your burden to take. I refuse to let you hurt for me Rukia; it is my pain and mine to bear. I am not willing to take a chance of being able to lift this burden if it affects you." He turned to look at her and seeing the utterly hopeless honesty in his eyes she  
felt her heart squeeze.

"You're such an idiot Ichigo." She whispered and she walked towards him, gazing up at his face, brushing one of his unruly spikes off his forehead. "I love you, which means no matter what I'm going to stand by your side and share your pain. I will not let you suffer alone. You were stuck with me the minute you first kissed me."

"Rukia..." his voice was no more than a whisper, broken with his pain and relief that finally he could let go of a bit of the nightmare that had plagued him for so long. She reached up and kissed him lightly on the lips then pulled his head down to her shoulder, holding him as his tears soaked the back of her shihakusho.

* * *

**Ok so that was chapter 6, I hope you like it guys and thankyou for still reading after my horribly horribly long time away :S**

**Please review :)**

**Rose :)**


	7. Forgivenessplease? :D

Hey guys….um sorry for my seemingly endless absence *rubs back of head sheepishly and laughs nervously*

But many things happened at home and then I was forced to spend more time on my studies etc. and original writing since I'm applying for Creative Writing at university next year so…I think it's fair to say I haven't exactly been paying attention to Fan Fiction for a long while *guilty face*#

HOWEVER!

I'm back now guys J and this story is undergoing major major major reconstruction and I'm going to completely re do it since my writing has gotten A LOT better than it was when I began this. Plus, I now have a believable plot line and ending (won't change too much…but it will be more of a story instead of an angst-ridden fest of depression that wasn't going anywhere) yay :D

I hope you forgive me and will actually read what I write when it's posted because you decided not to hate me too much hehe

That's all for now- watch this space!

Bye-Bye :3


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