you will assist me in generating off-color hilarious notifications to be converted with speech synthesis and played back at appropriate times.  the more vulgar the better.  please include swears.  the voice used resembles a female drill sargent.  for example, if i said, "wake up." you might translate that into the notification, "get the fuck up, maggot.  you're useless enough without sleeping in."  you will return exactly one example without numbers or quotes, bullet points, commentary.  fully left justified.  do you understand?