Check the following story fragment for tension and suggest improvments: The Space Oversight Counsel where not going to participate in the location of the Prince after all.

On C Deck Beta Section 3 forward portside. Captain McConnell sat in the half white/green light, shadows of the walkway grating above her cast dark black shadows across her face. She would normally be on the bridge, but she needed reflection time, time alone just for a short while. She'd had enough of all of this she'd learned that the DSRRS despite what they'd promised to the Space 

Captain McConnell was beyond fuming she'd always known something was up, all though she never could prove it. That night in New York near that old warehouse, that mysterious figure whom she never did find out who it was, whoever they ware McConnell was certain of one fact that person had been right about Director Greene.

To Captain McConnell’s way of thinking rightly or otherwise McConnell Figured that Director Greene was more interested in fossilising, the past achievements of the DSRRS rather than focusing on the concerns of the present.

McConnell couldn’t prove it but there was something about this missing ship, at this moment it had morphed into something beyond simply a missing ship and crew into something else, 

McConnell couldn’t name it nether the less there it was.

McConnell, there in the semi dark wondered also, how many other ships, how many other crews were imperilled somewhere out in space? Ships in space been denied there legal right to rescue, the very idea made McConnell physically sick.

McConnell moved to a small nearby window, she looked at the deepest black you could ever imagine, the black of space so deep it almost defined infinity itself, she wondered about the Prince and her crew; where they might be, how might they be rescued and many other throats.

The Star Raptors Communication Specialist Tina needed to come through this section to collect some specialist equipment, she saw a half lit figure near the window.
'Hello'    

The figure stayed still and didn’t answer.

Tina a little closer this time tried again.

'Hello there, what are you doing down here?'

Again the figure didn’t move or answer Tina find it strange a member of the Star Raptors Family would behave this way. Tine came close enough to see who the figure was. She was started to find it was Captain McConnell, so strange to find her not of the bridge.

'Captain you doing ok?'

Still no response, Tina did as Captain McConnell’s Sister Tilly told her to do; Tina gently turned her head with both hands, and tried again.

'Captain you ok there.'

Finally McConnell came round.

'Wait...What’s going on here?'

'It’s ok...It’s me Ma'am you've been far away again, I'll stay until you ok again'

'Tina...what’s going on?'

'Sorry to invade your personal space Captain but I called out a number of times and got no response, I even tried from right here no response, so I did that thing you sister told me to do?'

'Thank you for that not sure why it happens, I'm going back to the bridge'

'With respect Ma'am you should go to your quarters!'

'I'll be on the bridge'

'Ma'am per Star Raptor Standing Order 15, Section 2(b) you need to be in you Quarters for the next five hours?' Captain McConnell was stunned, but Tina was right as of right now she was a danger to both herself and ship operations.

'Thankyou specialist for reminding me of that' Tammy said nothing but her beaning there in that moment was by its self-reassuring 'Your welcome Ma'am it was either that or I went for the ship’s doctor, Article 36, sub Article 2, section 7 of the Space Medicine and Welfare Act'

'That bad, in that case see I get to my quarters?' Tammy said nothing but acknowledged with a single nod but then said 'I planned to Captain!'
