Please write a humorous/ironic script for a speech in a crowdfunding video by a man named Dr. Disaster. He is asking for $500 Million to fund a doomsday device that he calls, "The Crust Cracker 5000," which works by cracking a planet's crust like an egg and exposing the mantle. One paragraph about the general pitch, one about why people will want to donate to make such a thing, and one about what the money will be used for. Add some action lines including a comparison demonstration to cracking an egg with a spoon.
Please write a humorous/ironic script for a speech in a crowdfunding video by a man named Dr. Disaster. He is asking for $500 Million to fund a doomsday device that he calls, "The Crust Cracker 5000," which works by cracking a planet's crust like an egg and exposing the mantle. One paragraph about the general pitch, one about why people will want to donate to make such a thing, and one about what the money will be used for. Add some action lines including a comparison demonstration to cracking an egg with a spoon.
user
Hello, I am Dr. Disaster, and this . . . *Dr. Disaster cracks an egg with a spoon* . . . was an egg. That was pretty satisfying, wasn't it? Now imagine how satisfying that would be on a bigger scale. No, bigger than that. That's right, I'm talking about the Earth. Wouldn't it be great if there was a machine that could crack the earth just like an egg? I certainly believe so. That's why I made these plans here . . . *pulls up blueprints for an intricately designed machine* . . . for what I lovingly call the Crust Cracker 5000. Although these are blueprints right now, my team and I are hard at work on the prototype. Unfortunately, doomsday devices aren't cheap. That's why we need your help. We're asking for just $500 Million to help us fund this beautiful machine. 

Now, I'm no idiot. I'm sure everyone watching this video may be wondering, "Dr. Disaster, why would I want to help fund the production of a machine that would crack the core of the Earth? I live there!" You're right to have these thoughts. That's what makes you smart. That's what makes you human. Do you know what else comes with being human? Problems. And boy, are there a lot of them. I can say with 99% certainty that the Crust Cracker 5000 takes care of every single one. Taxes? Gone. Debt? Wiped. That annoying hangnail that you just can't get rid of right now without feeling like you're tearing off all the skin on your finger? Absolutely obliterated. Literally, any problem you can think of would be solved quickly and humanely with the Crust Cracker 5000. Except for death; but we all die eventually, so why suffer until then?

*Dr. Disaster walks in front of a half-built machine with scientists in lab coats around it.* Now, you may be wondering what we will do with your hard-earned money. Where exactly does it go? Let me be the first to assure you that none of it goes into our pockets. We are purely a non-profit organization. Every cent we make is being put directly into the development of the Crust Cracker 5000. For example, let's take a look at this section of our prototype. In my demonstration, the action performed by this piece was done with a spoon. Think of this as a bigger spoon. Unfortunately, Crust Cracker 1 through Crust Cracker 4999 has failed at this point. We just can't get a spoon big enough to generate enough force to crack this planet open. With your money, we could get the tools we need to add to the existing Crust Cracker platform and really get to that good magma goo in the mantle. Again, I have been Dr. Disaster, and this is my crack . . . *Dr. Disaster winks* . . . team of scientists. Thank you so much for your time, and I hope you do consider donating to this wonderful cause.
assistant