Introduction: Once again its that time of year. Our (my) 2nd annual Dionne Warwick Psychic Friends predictions for the upcoming year in the music and entertainment industry. 2004 should prove to be another banner year for many a celebrity. Let's take a look at our crystal ball. After all it's hard to hide from the media.
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Article by: Billy Parker
Britney (I'm so glad I procrastinated on this article) Spears.--Britney will move in with a big shot movie star. When questioned about just living together she'll explain, "I just don't want to rush into anything."
Britney Spears--(Yes Britney will have an exceptional year) Britney will pose nude for the Christmas issue of Playboy. When asked to explain her actions to her young fans she will reply-"It's O.K. it was all in good taste and besides they gave me final approval of the pictures!"
Michael Jackson--After being acquitted on all charges Michael will announce he is leaving Pop music for his true calling, the Priesthood.
Jessica Simpson--During an episode Nick will be trying to convince her that a bowling ball and a golf ball both drop to the ground at the same speed. "No way," states our favorite dizzy blond. Nick will then ask her innocently, "How fast do you think they're moving?" Jessica replies, "32 feet per second squared." Realizing her gaffe Jessica cringes. But the cat is out of the bag and the show looses ratings and is cancelled in the fall.
Ozzy Osbourne--Ozzy will start an organization called R.A.A.T.S. Rockers Actions for All Terrain Safety. Ozzy will be the only member of Rats.
Being an election year, every country music song released will be die hard conservative and every rock song will be bleeding heart liberal.
In an effort to be even more politically correct the Grammy's will include a new category. "Artists who are left handed."
Justin Timberlake--Justin will be awarded a diamond status (10 million copies sold) for his latest album. His tour will gross more than anyone else in 04. He will become engaged to Cameron with a 20-gazillion-diamond carat ring. But at his first major press conference the 1st 7 questions will be, "What do ya think about Britney's latest escapade?"
Jennifer Lopez--J. Lo's career will reach so low she'll end up doing McDonalds endorsements. The company will complain when she has her entourage take all the Happy Meals after the commercial shoot.
Madonna--With Beyonce' slated for the National Anthem, and Janet Jackson as halftime entertainment, Madonna will claim she could have been there but she was off filming her latest movie.
Every group that ever had a hit single will have a fan start a website to petition the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. Paper Lace fans travel all the way to Cleveland for the ceremonies.
Finally after years of complaining and litigation the Recording Industry will gain the protection from down loaders they claim are sabotaging their sales. By end of the year sales will still be soft. "Where have you gone Rock Premier Supergroups."
A singer/songwriter with 3 hits from the 70's will die at age 55. He will sell more CD's in the following 2 months than he has in the past 20 years.
The Oscars, despite the World holding its breath, will go on without Courtney Love.
A secondary model will have a sex video "leaked" just weeks before her (fill in the blank)________new album, TV show, tour. "I'm so ashamed," she'll cry to zillions of publicity touting media.
A (fill in the blank)_________Rock, Rap, Pop, star will cause a scene on a commercial airline flight. After being cited for disorderly conduct, the Star's damage control spin-doctors will claim the airline's brochures stated they always have Perrier water in 1st class.
A has been from years ago will sell out their song for a TV commercial. When asked to explain, "It's not about the money, I've always loved their baked beans."
A Super hot actress-model and her red-hot Rock & Roll boyfriend will wed this year. The marriage will begin crumbling when she finds out about his escapades while on tour.
A Superstar group will discover for the first time that their music is being downloaded without any royalty payment to them. At their press conference denounces such piracy, the question will arise, "Where have you guys been?"
A virtual unknown will receive word that his songs are hot property for downloaded music. At a press conference he states, "It's O.K. with me and very flattering."
So what else is a certainty for this upcoming year? Last year I came close. ZZ Top is going into the Hall of Fame this year. The template is pretty strong from year to year for events and activities. What do you think is a certainty for 2004? At this time it's impossible to be wrong.
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