We were supposed to do this a few weeks back, but got put off, so (finally) tonight on Playboy Radio Night Calls (not sure what time, probably around 7:30-7:45pm eastern, SiriusXM 102), we’ll be discussing Blonde Heat: The Case of the Maltese Dildo, Tim McDonald‘s comic noir.
In 36 BC, Julius Ceaser of Rome, paid trouble to Cleopatra of Egypt, by giving her a jeweled dildo endowed by the high priests with macival erotic powers —- but invading hordes sacked alexandria carrying off this priceless token and the fate of themaltese dildo remains a mystery to this day —-
This is the kind of film that porn did so well — the comic private eye. John Leslie plays Mark Lowe, a Hollywood Boulevard gumshoe who speaks in the same voiceovers of his ancestors, Philip Marlowe and Sam Spade. We meet Mark as he’s alone in his office, the staff has they day off, and he’s just wrapping up a missing persons case, with his faithful beagle on the couch beside him.
Every noir detecive needs a femme fatale client, and we waste no time meeting Mona La Pierre (Seka), a cool platunum blonde who slips Lowe a “Monroe” (a $5000 bill) to find The Maltese Dildo. Instead of going into the details of the case in his place of business, Seka insists on having him come out to her house that evening:
MONA: Come to my home this evening, I’ll give you all the information you need to know. Do you need directions to find it?
LOWE: No… I think I can find my way. What time?
MONA: Let’s say 10:00?
LOWE: (looks over at the dog on the couch) Well,my dog goes to bed at 10:00, can we make it earlier?
MONA: You name the time.
And Seka does a dry take as she confirms the time that is really spectacular. The scene sets up the off-kilter tone and rhythms of the movie perfectly. If you don’t like the first 3 minutes of the movie, you probably won’t like the rest.
He brings his dog to the bar for a beer and gets his messages from the bartender (Misha Garr), who tells him he needs to see “the boss.” So he’s off to the back room to see The Boss, a frumpy lady in a housecoat and curlers who just wants a little action (“If it isn’t my favorite dick — both public and private! Mama’s missed you! Got time for a quickie? Your dick is like a sweet juicy pickle just waiting to have its juices sucked; your balls are like two cherries just ready to be plucked!;your bones are like two fresh cinnamon buns … your cock or your cash, Lowe; you know which I prefer!“)
So he drives up to Mona’s house, past porno theatres playing Memphis Cathouse Blues and Every Which Way She Can and into her driveway. He waits for her, looking at her pictures (Liberace!?) until she enters. Seka’s line readings are purposefully flat, and we realize within two line readings that she’s channeling Norma Desmond after he points out he now recognizes her as an old porn star, she retorts “I am still a big star, Mr. Lowe… it’s the cocks that got small.”
After some pleasantries she has drinks delivered by her own Chippendale’s waiter (Chris Chase) and she reveals it to be a potent aphrodisiac and that brings us into our first (and arguably strongest) sex scene. (Before the sex, we learn that she bought the dildo at auction, but it was never delivered, and she needs Lowe to find it). Dissolve to Lowe sitting naked in an armchair, stroking his cock. We get a bit of a nice tease as she taunts him while he’s jerking off, and then he says “C’mon… you gotta let me fuck you just a little bit…” and she says “I might let you fuck me” and then we get a good dose of the patented John Leslie dirty talk and then finally, about 14 minutes in, they make sexual contact as Mona slips off her bra revealing some SERIOUS tan lines across her breasts. He does what he’s told — sucks her nipples, eats her out, and then finally fucks her on the couch, and then in doggie (while she sips more aphrodesiac) and it ends with him tit fucking her as she jerks him off onto her tits.
He goes to see museum curator Dr. Ana Benninger (René Lovins) and he asks about the dildo and she tells him that he’s not the first guy to look for it in recent weeks, btu she couldn’t help him since “the computers were down” (a nifty scapegoat for 27 years!) and he as he tells her about the dildo, he finds its a real panty dropper of a story as she drops her panties and they’re off — jerking each other off. Then he fucks her on the desk, then doggie with her on the desk, and finally she jerks him wildly as she blows him and then he finishes off with a slight drop to her chin.
After his tryst, he stumbles upon Wally (Richard Pacheco) spying on him on behalf of Mr. Glutman (legendary exploitation producer Dave Friedman) and he forces Wally to call his boss on the nearby payphone. “I don’t have a dime…” Wally says, so Lowe fishes one out. He put the dime in, waits a beat… “It’s 20 cents…” (Ah, pay phones!) Funny stuff this. He goes to meet Glutman who says he wants the Dildo for his collection, since he too paid the same art dealer for the dildo…
He gfoes tback to his office and in walks his secretary, Kate (Gina Carrera), who asks him for a raise as she’s standing on his desk in a short skirt watering plants. “Why don’t you wear panties?” he asks. “On my salary, who can afford them?” and then they’re fucking on his couch in reverse cowgirl which really shows off Gina’s lithe body. Then it’s missionary and he jerks off on her bush.
Cut to Billy Dee getting a blowjob in the back of a limo from hooker Ericka Idol and he cums more or less in her mouth as his driver (Jon Martin) looks on. We don’t know who these characters are, until they burst into Lowe’s office as he’s on his way out to follow a lead about Mr. Glutman. We find out he’s Howie Mann (nee Mendoza) who is now a “bad man” on the Strip and he tries to shake him off the case, to stay away from Mona.
Some more plot happens (can’t give it all away!) and we follow Wally into a tryst with apair of call girls Laurie Smith and Jill Jason. Laurie keeps her pussy to herself and lets Jill do all the fucking, but she sucks Wally off at the end until he cums. It’s a pretty short scene.
Lowe meets with Glutman and he hears a story about Cleopatra (Joy Cummings) and her handmaiden (Cindy Carver) having some fun together, and then Cleo blows Maximus, her guard (Dan T. Mann) who cums all over her face while she’s being eaten out…
Finally, he runs into Lori Edwards (Angel), some more plot ensues and they end up having a spirited romp on the bed (highlight: she bouncing on his cock as they’re both sitting up on the bed) and then we see him cum face but no cumshot, so I have to assume by this time, JL was shooting dust…
The movie ends with him snuggling with Angel and musing that “Anything can happen in Hollywood…”
Then there’s a funny little tag “Somewhere in South America…” and the credits roll.
The trailer is told from the point of view of the beagle, Louie Lowe, and it occurs to me only now, that Leslie’s nom de producing, Louis T. Beagle is obviously an homage to his pooch in this movie.