We've got some good news and some bad news. The good news: the zombie apocalypse has not started yet. The bad news: old person smell is real!
Yes, Sparky, it's time to start panicking and looting, but first you'd better read the rest of today's column, so you know exactly what it is you're dealing with.
Smells like Grandpa, but not zombie Grandpa
In a study published in the journal PLoS ONE, researchers reported that "old person smell" is real. The study was completed by scientists who sewed absorbent nursing pads into the armpits of T-shirts and asked volunteers of different ages to sleep in the shirts for five consecutive nights.
Meanwhile, after several bizarre recent news stories involving people exhibiting violent, zombie-like behavior, the Centers for Disease Control released a statement, formally denying that a zombie apocalypse was underway in the U.S.
"CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead (or one that would present zombie-like symptoms)," an agency spokesman explained.
And Leon is getting laaaarger
A new study reports that American's heads are getting bigger.
Hold the pickle
In East Rockaway, N.Y., Catherine Scalia, 45, and a friend were arrested on prostitution charges after it was discovered she was selling more than just wieners out of her roadside hot dog truck. Scalia told the New York Post: "What do you want? It was a bad hot-dog day. I sold maybe $5 worth of hot dogs that day."
Give 'em $7.50, Harry
In Kansas City, Mo., George Lund, 80, who delivered papers to Harry Truman when he was a boy, reported that he'd finally been paid the $7.50 he was owed, plus interest, for deliveries never paid for 65 years ago. The payment came from the Truman Library Institute. Said Lund: "I could never get anybody at the Truman home to answer the doorbell."
Headline of the Week
"Mexican cartel declares war on Cheetos"