Your head is pounding and you’ve got no fucking clue where you are. There’s some bitch lying next to you and judging from the fact that you’re naked, you’re pretty confident you banged last night. Who the fuck is this chick? She’s definitely not from your Slam Piece Rolodex. She seems pretty passed out so you grab her purse and try to find an ID so you can show your bros pictures of her on facebook. NICE!! $40 IN CASH! She won’t miss this. Besides, that’s a pretty good deal for the best sex of her fucking life. Now it’s time to get the fuck out of here.
You try to get dressed until it hits you: FUCK - you were at a “#112 Anything but Clothes” party last night. Your costume? A shitload of saran wrap that made you look like one of Dexter’s victims. It’s ripped to shreds now thanks to fucking Sleeping Beauty over there. Luckily for you, you’re the fucking Bro MacGruber, so you grab some pins from her dresser, snatch her bathroom mat and Voila – you’re ready to hit the bricks. While some people might be embarrassed to walk by her neighbors out for their morning stroll wearing nothing but an oversized diaper, you don’t give a fuck. After all, last night you lived the American dream - you had sex with a stranger when your mind wasn’t even fucking working. Why would you EVER consider a walk like that shameful? Fuck that – you’re a fucking Bro, and you Stride with Pride.
Bros don’t even know what the word “shame” means. What would bros ever be sorry for? Being fucking awesome? Fuck that. The only time Bros ever regret banging a Slam Piece is when she looks she appeared after rolling a 5 in Jumanji. But even then, it’s not like all the fucking old people out walking their dogs/counting down the days until they die can tell you went Whale Spearing last night, so why would we be embarrassed about it?
Now I understand that girls still refer to their trudge across campus/their post-graduate city in their cocktail dresses and Fuck Me Boots as a Walk of Shame, but that’s acceptable. After all, it’s pretty shameful to be a fucking Whore. You pretty much deserve all the stares and children’s eyes getting covered that you get. Bros on the other hand treat these walks like a fucking ticker tape parade. You’ll never see a Bro more confident than after a night of blatantly disobeying everything he learned in Catholic School because some slut liked the way he #29 grinded.
So who are these fucking people trying to make our prideful stride into a shameful act? Fucking Bro-Haters that’s who. Have you ever seen the people out on a Saturday morning? How the fuck are they up so early? Oh, that’s right, they didn’t go out on Friday night to get wasted probably because they’re losers and don’t have any friends. What the fuck do people who don’t drink even do on the weekends? Honestly, what’s the point of living if you can’t get #142 blacked out with all your Bros then bang some girl whose name you don’t even know? Clearly they’ve realized their lives are meaningless so they get all fucking jealous and decide that just because we’re walking past their family in nothing but a strategically placed Coon-skin cap, that WE’RE the one’s who should be embarrassed. Fuck that. NEWSFLASH: your kids and wife don’t count as “friends.” Just admit you’re a fucking loser and get out of my face. Oh, and enjoy never having sex with the one vagina you married for the rest of your life.
Bros are like Athletes – we always prefer to play on our home turf, but sometimes we’ve got to take our talents on the road. Do we ever fucking lose on the road? Fuck no. We never fucking lose period. So why would we EVER be shameful of our performance? As Bros emerge from the threshold of our slayings, we don’t pray that no one sees us and scurry home to wash the sex off our bodies. We stand tall, with our heads held high. We dominated last night, so you better fucking believe we’re gonna Stride with Pride.
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