You know someone is worth taking advice from when their TED talks have garnered over 21 million views, their books are New York Times Bestsellers, and Oprah turns to them for insight. In this case, that in-demand woman is Brené Brown, PhD, a researcher at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, whose 2010 TED talk on vulnerability—specifically, how taking emotional risks leads to creativity and positive change—went viral, turning Brown into a household name.
It’s easy to see why so many people love her: Brown makes herself vulnerable, telling stories about her own breakdown and mistakes to hundreds of thousands of strangers. Now, the super relatable researcher is back with a new book, Rising Strong, in which she talks about how to go about picking yourself up after you’ve fallen down, whether at work or at home. We talked to Brown about what it takes to come out on top.
You’ve written about vulnerability in the past. What does vulnerability have to do with the idea of rising strong?
If we are brave enough often enough, we will fall; this is the physics of vulnerability. The process of regaining our emotional footing in the midst of struggle is always scary – it’s also where our courage is tested and our values are forged. The rising strong process teaches us the most about who we are and that requires a huge dose of vulnerability.
Can you give some examples of small, daily failures and explain why these are important?
Whether you’re playing an argument with your partner on a constant loop in your head—or dealing with a negative comment from a family member or trying to recover from a mistake at work—we have to stay very mindful about the stories we make up about these situations. Our bodies often respond before our minds and they are hardwired to protect and limit uncertainty. We have to stay open and curious so we own the true story and those first defensive stories don’t own us.
So what does this idea of storytelling mean for how we recover?
We’re wired for story. There’s a surprisingly simple reason why we want to own our stories of struggle. We do this because we feel the most alive when we’re connecting with others and being brave with our stories . The idea that we’re “wired for story” is more than a catchy phrase. Neuroeconomist Dr. Paul Zak has found that following a story – a narrative with a beginning, middle, and end – causes our brains to release cortisol and oxytocin. These chemicals trigger the uniquely human ability to connect, empathize, and make meaning. Story is literally in our DNA.
What can any of us do on a daily basis to better handle our failures?
First we reckon with our emotions by engaging with our feelings and getting curious about the story behind the feelings – what emotion we are experiencing and how they are connected to our thoughts and behaviors. This sounds pretty easy, but you’d be surpised how many of us never recognize our emotion or feelings – we offload instead. Rather than saying I failed and it feels so crappy, we move to, I am a failure. We act out and shut down rather than reaching out. Second, we need to rumble with the truth. What really happened? Do we have a part? The difference between the stories we first make up and the truth is where wisdom and meaning live.
If there is one thing you hope readers take away from Rising Strong, what is it?
When we deny our stories and disengage from tough emotions, they don’t go away; they own us, they define us. Our job is not to deny the story but to defy the ending – to rise strong, recognize our story and rumble with the truth until we get to place where we think, “Yes. This is what happened. This is my truth. And I will choose how this story ends.”
Photo Credit: Felix Sanchez