Jeff the bartender hates weather stories. So he watched TV coverage of the impending snowstorm in disgust.
The TV reporters, all squeaky with adrenaline, in their nice, new snow coats, aggravated him.
"My God, they're trembling with excitement," Jeff said. "With their little snow hats on. Their cute little snow outfits. Jeeez! It's a weather story, it's Chicago, it snows, big deal."
The TV screen showed footage of snowplow trucks and salt spreaders racing their engines. City officials reassured taxpayers that snow warriors would fight to dadeth ferda peeple.
"It's snow, OK? It snows in Chicago," Jeff complained. "I know what the weather is. I'm just so sick of weather stories and the gigantic reaction to weather stories."
Jeff studied psychology before he became a bartender.
"So, what's your big snow angle?" he asked.
The Ancient Law of Chicago Dibs is critical to being a good neighbor. Those who reject dibs do so at their peril.
Let me quote a man who understands people, snow, digging out parking places on the street and the etiquette of dibs, which involves putting tasteful furniture and other junk out to mark your spot.
He's that great philosopher, Mayor Richard Daley.
"You spend three hours shoveling 5 feet of snow out of a parking space," Daley said awhile back. "Would you want someone else to come in and park in it?"
Once you dig your spot and call dibs with a broken kitchen chair, a bucket and pink sponge mop or a broken TV, it would be impolite, crass and almost communistic for anyone to filch it while you were gone.
Anyone who advocated dibs filching would be a poor politician indeed.
And despite my differences with Daley--it's a good thing for me that this isn't the 1400s in Transylvania and he's not Vlad the Impaler--he is a smart politician.
He respects dibs too.
So for today, Rich, I love you, man.
To make sure he hadn't changed his mind, I called his press secretary, Jacquelyn Heard, who incidentally was my partner when we covered City Hall for the Tribune.
Happily, the mayor is staunchly supportive of dibs.
"He believes that if you shovel out a parking place in a snowstorm, that it's only responsible of other neighbors to be considerate and to understand that the person worked hard to clear it," Heard said.
"But let's also be realistic and responsible. It's only a parking space. There have been some arguments in the past over such claims, and no one should get hurt over a parking space."
I agree. I oppose dibs-related aggression.
And someday, I'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony.
But if you move a person's kitchen chairs and boards after a big snow, understand the consequences.
Still, there are the whiners out there who despise dibs. They think their city streets should be free, as long as you don't drive into their neighborhood and try to park.
"We have a little dibs calling up here," said Ed Kelly, the Democratic committeeman of the 47th Ward. "You dig it out, you claim the space. It's only fair. Some people whine and say you can't reserve a space, but what can you do?"
Are these the same folks who want those special permit parking stickers so South Side taxpayers can't park up there in July?
"Well, people get protective about what's theirs."
Ald. Ray Frias (12th) supports dibs too.
"You have your reasonable people, and then you have the people who take it to the extreme," Frias said. "Is it against the law? Yes. But it's a Chicago tradition. You know if I go out there and bust my back clearing out a parking space for myself, then common sense tells you, until the snow goes away, `Don't take my parking space! It's the fruit of my labor!'
"And I wouldn't take someone's space away, for fear that I don't have enough spare tires to be able to get out of there."
North Side Ald. Bernard Hansen (44th) discourages the practice, sort of.
"If somebody clears out a spot in front of their house because of an extra amount of snow, people should respect that, you know?" Hansen said. "It's just common sense and logic."
So you don't think people should save a space?
"Not if it's not unnecessary. In some locations, it's necessary."
I'm confused. Perhaps Bernie's been under pressure lately. Let's go ask Ald. Danny Solis (25th).
"I've seen TVs, couches, everything used to mark a spot," Solis said. "Dibs is tradition. But some people try to keep their chairs and objects out until June, and that might be a little bit too long, don't you think?"