Hi, my name is Michelle, and I am a control freak.
When I think of the little girl in me, I understand why control is so paramount. Even now, being in control feels like survival, and losing control triggers me into a slow spiral of complete helplessness. I equate control with safety, and when I am not in control, it can be terrifying.
But, what if it’s not?
If I could sum up 2020 in a sentence, I am not in control of anything.
I had my future planned. And suddenly, everything changed.
It triggered me and brought back my old friends: panic, anxiety, and fear. They unpacked their bags, and for a while, they were my constant companions, especially at night when they whispered, “What are you going to do?” It was just like old times. I started planning my next move while anticipating all that could go wrong.
One night, as I browsed the internet searching for my next opportunity, I landed on information about a graduate degree in Pastoral Counseling – Crisis Response and Trauma. I filled out the form to request more information, and when I submitted it, my phone rang.
The man who called offered to answer my questions about graduate school, so I asked, “When do classes start?”
Hello? Are you still there?”
Dates are a big deal to me, and May 11 is a significant date for me. I held my breath as I listened to him list the requirements, but honestly, graduate school was not my plan. He ended with, “The deadline to apply is April 15th.”
I put that away in my mind and continued to convince myself that it did not make sense to go back to school at my age. The control freak in me continued to look for my next career/opportunity. When the thoughts of going back to school came into my mind, I pushed them away. There had to be a better plan for me, but I went ahead and ordered my transcript to see if I would even qualify. I called a few friends hoping they would talk me out of it.
On April 14th, I opened the refrigerator and stared at the expiration date on the milk.
I applied the next morning and was accepted. The last paper I wrote in college was on a word processor. I had to learn what APA meant. It has been incredibly challenging and exhilarating.
It feels like I am walking blindfolded with Jesus, learning to trust and depend on him for every step.
It’s been challenging to juggle school with family and a new job. I usually wake up early and go to bed late to work on school work. On weekends, I take breaks to make meals, but mostly I am writing papers. I thought I would never get through my first few classes, but God has been faithful to help me. I’ve had to rely on him entirely because I am way beyond my comfort zone.
Why am I telling you this? Maybe you struggle with control issues too?
In Matthew 14:25, Jesus walked on water towards the disciple’s boat, and they were afraid. He told them, “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
My need to be in control makes me choose security, stability, and safety. It makes it hard for me to step out onto the water.
Not Peter. He said, “Lord if it’s you, tell me to come to you on the water.”
Peter got out of the boat, and he walked on water towards Jesus.
It is hard to be like Peter. I don’t enjoy stepping out of my comfort zone, and I don’t want to fall. While this season of not being in control has triggered deep places in me that require further healing, it has also opened my eyes to an amazing and profound truth:
Losing control helped me to realize I never had control in the first place.
I still have to remind myself (and the little girl inside of me) daily: “Go for it! You have nothing to lose. His plan is better than anything you can imagine. God is your helper, and you are not alone. Keep your eyes on Him, and walk. If you fall, get up and try again. It is going to be okay.”
Maybe He has laid something on your heart that seems impossible.
Is He calling you to get out of the boat? What is holding you back?
I’d love to hear from you! Go for it! You have nothing to lose.
I am sharing the lessons I learned from 2020 that I am bringing into 2021. You can click on the link below to read Lesson 1.