A new year
Which I guess leads me to this entry, which I won't go from month to month, just the bits that mattered which I'm actually a bit scared about doing as I haven't actually written it all down yet.
So Febuary started off great, Brett's folks took us all to Bali for a week which was actually a great time exploring and just spending time with his family. I know, crazy and I never thought I'd say it but anyway, we had fun and it was the last good time to be had last year.
Febuary or was it early March I get the second worse phone call a wife could imagine, Your husbands been in an accident and is being taken to hospital - no mention of what had happened, no mention of which hospital, I was just left hanging and had the kids all at home and ready to take to school/day care as it was TAFE day for me. I got the kids ready and all dropped off with a cheery smile on my face and then fell apart. Brett's Dad was a gem and found out the hospital which of course I raced to and all the way I heard news updates about this horrible accident and the police/fire/ambos in attendance and how they were freeing the trapped driver - this was his accident. I arrived at the hospital at the same time as him and was kept away from him for AGES but when I finally got to see him all was fine - well better than I was imagining. He was VERY lucky coming away with a broken collarbone and lots of cuts glued up around his face and arm. Considering his face went through the window it could have been a lot worse.
Six weeks in a sling, pnumonia from complications from the accident and followup appointments later his back was screwed and he changed, a lot more grumpier which at the time I put down to the fright of the accident but it certainly could have been other things.
I also started TAFE in March doing photography. After a lot of soul searching and money spent on HECS doing uni degrees (and not finishing them!) that weren't suited to me, I decided to throw caution to the wind /*and try something that I loved. Funnily enough I enjoyed this course and stuck to it all the way to the end. I really enjoyed the people and being able to speak photography all day to people who were actually interested!
Kids were doing well at this point, no dramas at school, relatively well behaved at home it was all good. Infact, other than walking on egg shells trying to be calm around Brett, all was good. I actually even enjoyed Brett's time at home, being able to go out with him during the week rather than the usual rush on Saturday mornings etc. It was just he was pretty short tempered but I thought he would get over it as the effects of the accident wore off.
SEMESTER TWO: (SUCKED!)
Well, I went back to school still thinking all was good, all was calm and I was actually enjoying life, even thought that I had it all - the husband, the kids, the home, friends, what more could I have!
First week back I arrive home to Brett talking to some one on his computer, he shut down and I happily accepted that he was chatting to a friend. He then popped out to the shops and while I was putting something away in his study I totally by accident without a word of a lie bumped his computer which bought up a msn conversation and the word lover jumped out at me. At that point I almost died and everything fell into place, he was having an affair which explained his short temper, his alone time he seemed to have a lot etc.
I was crushed and confronted him when he got home. He admitted it, didn't seem at all sorry and I had no idea where I stood. I told one friend, the person I ran to when I found out but otherwise kept it all to myself as I was so embarrassed and confused and in shock.
We stayed as is for a few weeks, I had no idea what to do and it seems he didn't know what he wanted! He then suggested counseling and I agreed thinking it was a positive step from him. Now prior to this I always thought that infidelity was a instant case of marriage break up but living it I was so scared and confused and I couldnt leave.
I started seeing a psych who has been my saviour. He kept me grounded, he made me look at my own life and I discovered that my perfect life wasn't really so perfect and that hurt and again scary.
I could go on and on about the next 3 months but in a nutshell:
He didn't know what he wanted
He said some extremely mean and horrible things to me about me
He kept in contact with her even though he said he hadn't
I caught every single bug that went around, I was constantly sick and looked like a wreck
I kept up with tafe but it was all half hearted - for a time there I was contemplating quiting as I knew being away from home all the time had contributed.
Kids started picking up the stress and were acting out
Scarlett got grommets and we found out that she has hearing loss (how I didn't know I'll never know)
My Grandfather died and, though we weren't super close, it really shook me
Any ounce of normality that I had been sturggling to keep together in my mind was breaking down and depression was rushing back in
My buisiness that only started this year by accident was picking up pace and I was working every weekend and the pressure to perform was killing me.
And after all of this I was some how the person responsible for all oif this, I made this all happen.
Let's just say that those 3 months sucked and by the eve of our 10th wedding anniversary, I had had enough and told him that I was leaving. I was over being made to feel bad for all of my short comings, made to feel bad for daring to have ambitions and comprimising my life and morals sharing my husband with another woman. My psych had continued to be my greatest support (only support) and really gave me the power to stand up and decide that I didn't want this for myself.
The morning of our anniversary, the last night we were going to spend together (not physically but geographically) he woke up and decided that he had really stuffed up and obviously through my fear of doing it all alone and the small residual amount of love I had left for hime I told him that he could have one more chance if he wanted.
Of course he took it and promised to change it all. Short answer he didn't and life got even worse. My psychological state was crap, my psych really was the only one keeping here on this earth. Not only because of DH but tafe was putting extreme pressure on me (not only me but others were haing mental breakdowns of their own) and I was feeling like such a fraud in my business wiith so many clients, not enough time to service them all but I took on every job I was offered in fear that I would not get another.
I was seeing my psych weekly and each week I told him that I just couldn't stay another week, the lure of driving myself into a wall was getting harder and harder to resist. Everything would have been much easier for everyone if I was out of the equation.
So I passed TAFE
The kids got through the end of school
I started feeling more confident about my life on this earth, maybe I should hang around for a little while longer.
Our health started improving (well until the week before Christmas where we all got the flu, tonsilitis and then gastro!).
With my psych I also realised some pretty heavy stuff from my childhood that I wont go into here but certainly does explain some of my issues. I shared this with DH.
Once again I was going to leave him, he was clearly not putting in any effort and I knew he was still speaking with her. I told him this Christmas eve - after Christmas that was it.
As soon as I told him this he grabbed my present and wanted me to open it which obviously I wasnt interested in doing but he insisted. It was a perfect pair of diamond earings BUT there is no way I could wear them and told him for the millionth time that he couldn't buy me, that I wasn't interested in money and if he thought he could buy me with money I was nothing more than a postitute. He said that things have changed. he understands how I must feel and that he wants to prove to me that things have changed if only we'll stay. ****, what the **** do I do. Seriously on paper it's obvious what I should do, I should get out of here as he will never change and his behaviour towards me in the past 5 months has been downright nasty and wrong.
I really had hoped that by the new year things would be different, that I would know the direction of my life one way or the other.
I feel so flat today as nothing is resolved, things still suck and the fear of this year being as bad as last year is enough to have me run away Julia Roberts style in Eat Pray Love - btw a movie you should NOT watch when your life is sh*t!