I heard a familiar song today. You wouldn’t know it because you would be too little, but it’s by a singer, Rihanna. It’s called, “Stay.”
My precious baby, I wanted you to stay. My heart hurts. I wanted so badly to meet you. You were here. And then you just… weren’t.
What would you have become? A little girl, who loves to read and garden as much as me? A little boy who climbs trees and plays in the dirt? Would you have been tall, like Daddy? Would you grow up to be a teacher? A doctor? I wanted so badly to meet you.
I wrote you your first letter before you were even conceived. I told you then, and I am telling you again, I would do anything for you. I knew when you started to leave my body. I convinced myself that you were ok, that you were still there. But I think Jesus wanted you more. And my sweet baby, I selfishly didn’t want to give you up. Because you gave me hope. You made me believe in miracles. The day I found evidence that you were really there and growing, was the happiest day of my life. I knew I loved you before you were even here, but I never thought my heart could hold so much love as the day you became mine.
I was so excited for you that I went out and bought some clothes for you. You would have looked so cute. My dear one, I wish so badly that you could have worn those clothes. I haven’t decided if I want to put those clothes away, along with your first baby picture, or if I want to save them for your little brother or sister to wear. Regardless, your sibling will know where those clothes came from. Whether you have one little sibling, or four, you will always be my first child. My BFP. My first love, besides for your daddy.
My little one, I don’t know why you left. My Internet resources say you may have had “chromosomal abnormalities.” But to me, you were perfect. You didn’t have a heartbeat yet, but you were still my child. I tried so hard to keep you warm and safe. But I know Jesus can do it better. He took you for reasons I have yet to understand. But He can keep you warm and safe forever. I know I will get to meet you someday in Heaven and I can’t wait. But oh my little darling, I wanted so much for you to stay.
I miss you so much already. My heart breaks when I think of you. I wanted more than anything to hold you in my arms. To kiss you. To watch you grow up. But I am thankful for the time I had with you. Thank you, sweet baby, for giving me the honor of being your Mommy for 12 days.