Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out…
That’s it. That’s all there is to it.
I have deadlines. Lots of them. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good deadline – it keeps the creative juices going for me, keeps me on my toes. I get that ‘edge’ that helps me stay sharp and makes me feel alive.
But when you’re on the edge like that; for days, weeks, months… fatigue happens. Life is good right now. Everything is pretty much peachy. But today, I’m weary. My heart is crying out for attention, my soul starved for substance. I’m not yet bone achingly wrung out, but a couple of weeks in my ‘sickbed’ is on the horizon if I don’t stop very, very soon. I can recognise this state now. I used to push through it and hit the proverbial brick wall for months in order to fulfill my perceived responsibilities to others. Not anymore. It’s not worth the pain.
So… with my internal ‘To Do’ list blinking URGENT in neon before me, and my brain’s ranting, panicked voice in the background, I deliberately slow myself down enough to grab a coffee from the local café. I didn’t sit down long enough to drink it though. Oh no! My brain won’t let me slow down that much just yet. It still holds the upper hand. But I’m onto it. I’ve noticed it’s rushing me. Now it can’t hide. It’s just a matter of time. I know how to get around that little voice that pushes me ever onwards, striving to rush yelling at me to “get it all done now”, and “don’t you dare stop for a moment of solitude and silence”. Today, I’m onto it, that kind of talk is just not on! Today, I want off the edge.
I gratefully receive my take-a-way caramel latte, half -shot caramel because sugar makes me more hyper. My brain thinks coffee is God, so it’s cool with proceedings so far, thinking it’s got me by the horns. I walk towards the pulsing markets. “Oh! More rushing and activity. Goodie” my brain prattles at me. It knows it can hide its agenda and its relentless voice amidst the noise and bustle. I have to go through that teeming sea of people to get back to my car. But instead of pushing and forcing my way through the hubbub with purpose and urgent determination to get back to work as my brain would have it, I purposefully change my pace to a cruising amble and veer suddenly towards the park. I can go that way too. My brain resists “What are you doing? This way is longer. You’ll be late. This is out of the way, much less efficient use of your time and energy here, you idiot”. My rebellious nature kicks in and I ignore it, slowing even more.
In the park, excellent. Now I’ve got the upper hand. Nature will do that. Nature is always on our side and always wins eventually. I glance up at the blue sky through the canopy, the first sunlight in days dapples warmth on my face and I let a quiet smile reach my lips. “AGGGHH, she’s enjoying this” screams my brain. “Someone stop her, I’m losing control here people”. I wonder who its talking to?
Then, in total defiance of my internal pressures and self-imposed deadline to get home by 10am, I hesitate. My strolling comes to a dead stop, just for a moment. I break into a grin and winningly say to my freaking brain “SHUT UP! I’m busy here.”
And it does.
All it takes is that one moment. I only need a moment to smell the damp earth beneath my feet, drink in the sight of verdant, luminous grass, immerse myself in the music of a hundred different birds. In that moment, I find my peace, replenish my energy stores and hit the refresh button. There is silence there, once my brain knows its place. It just needs to know I’m in charge.
“Shut up.” I repeat more kindly this time, “I’m busy here. Rest now. It’s all okay. Shhh”.
Awareness fills the silence.
Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out.