Bob had been 25 years. He took a look at his wife one day and said,
"Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept
on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to
sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blond. Now, we have a nice
house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with
a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your
side of things." His wife was a very reasonable woman. She told him
to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blond, and she would make sure
that he would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a
cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed.
A certain man was in love with a young woman, but was so timid he
never had the courage to speak to her. In fact, he even told his
therapist that every time he got near her he felt like he was
unimportant. He said that he felt as insignificant as a tiny pebble.
"Well," his therapist responded, "If you want to get the girl you'll
just have to be a little boulder!"
A three year old walked over to the pregnant lady while waiting
with his mother in the doctors office.
He inquisitively asks the lady," why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "Im having a baby."
With big eyes,he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?" She
said, "He sure is."
Then the little boy with a puzzled look asked, "Is it a good
baby?" She said, "oh yes, its a real good baby."
With even a more surprised and shocked look he said, "Then why
in the world did you eat him?"
Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are
curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice
looking gentleman who keeps to himself.
Shirley says, "Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him
at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely."
Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and
says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I
were wondering why you looked so lonely."
"Of course I'm lonely, he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in
"You're kidding! What for?"
"For killing my third wife. I strangled her."
"What happened to your second wife?"
"I shot her."
"And, if I may ask, your first wife?"
"We had a fight and she fell off a bridge."
"Oh my," says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of
the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Shirley. He's single."
A news item this morning was about a local coal miner. It seems that
his favorite hobby was painting, but since he couldn't afford to buy
canvasses he simply painted on the walls of his small cottage.
Unfortunately, a gang of youths broke into his cottage earlier this
week and defaced his paintings. Yesterday the young miscreants were
charged in court with "corrupting the murals of a miner."
While working in an OB-GYN clinic, a young mother came in for a
scheduled appointment requesting a diaphragm. She had her ten year
old son with her. My friend suggested she might like to ask her son
to wait for her in the lobby, when the young mother stated, "Oh, no.
I need him to see the doctor today. You see, Johnny is taking voice
lessons. His voice coach says he can have Johnny singing from his
diaphragm in no time, and I figured if that was the case, we'd better
get him one fast before the insurance runs out!"
Little Johnny was one of those holy terrors and her
husband was surprised when his wife suggested that
they buy him a bike for his birthday.
"Do you really believe that'll help improve his
behavior ?" he said.
"Well, no," she admitted, "But it'll spread it over
a wider area."
A sign on Washington's Route 8, featuring an illustration of a police
car with lights flashing, reads, "If you drink and drive, we'll provide
A guest at dinner noticed the small family dog looking hungrily at every
bite she took. Finally she took a small piece of meat from her plate and
held it up for him. "Speak!" she said to the dog. The dog says, "Under
the circumstances, I hardly know what to say!"
There was this man who had a dog which he was attempting to train, but
alas had very little success. He was on the verge of despair when he
happened across a very charismatic American evangelist. He unburdened
his soul to the American, who promptly informed him to leave the dog
with him, and he would have it trained in a jiffy. The next day the man
returns, and asks how the evangelist got on. The reply was positive, and
the evangelist calls the dog to give a demonstration. Picking up a
stick, he throws it and says, "Fetch." Instantly the dog takes off,
grabs the stick and returns. The evangelist says, "Drop" and the dog
drops the stick at his feet. "Roll over," and the dog rolls over. By
this time the dog's owner is very excited, and asks if he can have a go.
"Sure," replies the evangelist. "Heel!" says the owner and the dog lifts
one paw, places it on the man's forehead and says, "I command this
sickness to leave you..."
Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip,
when they came upon this great trout brook. They stayed
there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super. At the end of the
day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed
that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the
Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near
where they had been years before. They walked into the
woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the
men said to the other, "This is the place!"
The other replied, "No, it's not."
The first man said, "Yes, I do recognize the clover growing
on the bank on the other side.
To which the other man replied, "Silly, you can't tell a brook by it's
The Perfect Pastor
The perfect pastor preaches exactly 10 minutes.
He condemns sin roundly but never hurts anyone's feelings.
He works from 8 AM until midnight and is also the church janitor.
The perfect pastor makes $40 a week, wears good clothes, drives a good
car, buys good books, and donates $30 a week to the church.
He is 29 years old and has 40 years experience.
Above all, he is handsome.
The perfect pastor has a burning desire to work with teenagers, and he
spends most of his time with the senior citizens.
He smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of
humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his church.
He makes 15 home visits a day and is always in his office to be handy
The perfect pastor always has time for church council and all of its
committees. He never misses the meeting of any church organization and
is always busy evangelizing the unchurched.
The perfect pastor is always in the next church over!
If your pastor does not measure up, simply send this notice to six other
churches that are tired of their pastor, too.
Then bundle up your pastor and send him to the church at the top of the
If everyone cooperates, in one week you will receive 1,643 pastors.
One of them should be perfect.
Have faith in this letter. One church broke the chain and got its old
pastor back in less than three months.
~by Father McGinn~
As an airline reservation agent, I took a call from a man who wanted to
book a flight for two but wasn't happy with the price of $59 per ticket.
"I want the $49 fare I saw advertised," he insisted, saying he would
accept a flight at any time. I managed to find two seats on a 6 A.M.
flight. "I'll take it," he said, then he worried that his wife might not
like the early hour. I warned that there was a $25 fee per person if he
changed the reservation. "Oh, that's no problem," he said dismissively.
"What's fifty bucks?"
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of
us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be
disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But
there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and all of us eat
it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You,
sir, in the first row, please give us your idea." The man lowered his
head and said, "Wedding cake?"
Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our
breath and hope we've set aside enough money for our kids' therapy.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and
he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."
I said, "You'll be sorry."
He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"
I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners