For some people, "small" refers to the
number of guests. That may mean, for some, under 200 people. For others, 100
people is the cut-off mark. But some people want less than 50 guests, or are
just including family and their closest friends. For others, "small"
may refer to the bridal party, where only a few attendants (or no attendants)
At any rate, in some way or another your
"small" wedding is going to be different from the usual wedding you
attend or read about. This may mean that some of the aspects of the ceremony and
reception that occur in more typical weddings are not as appropriate. But it
also means that you may be able to do some special things that other brides
& grooms cannot do.
Since what constitutes a "small"
wedding varies, and the formality may vary as well, some of the tips below may
be more or less appropriate for the wedding you have in mind.
likely to get some strong reactions to your plans. Some of the reactions will be
supportive and sympathetic. Relish these. These are from people who had a
small wedding themselves, or were guests at one. Or they are people who have
been through wedding planning hell and are envious of your wisdom.
But what you might get more of are the negative
reactions. Some of these people are charmed by your plans but think you are
naive. You'll get the patronizing smile with "We thought we'd have a small
wedding too, everyone does. But it never works that way."
You may also get strong reactions from family and
friends. Your parents and friends may be supportive, especially if they know you
well enough to think that a smaller wedding is a great choice. But they also may
have mixed feelings. Small weddings aren't that common, so they don't know what
to expect. Friends may feel left out and upset that your plans will not include
them. Family may be disappointed that they cannot invite colleagues or more
distant relatives. Or they may worry that outsiders will think that your plans
reflect their inability to spend money on the wedding.
All couples seem to get SOME flak about their plans, and
so you'll read over and over in wedding advice books that you should ignore it
all because it is your wedding. This is a good thing to keep in mind.
However, it is also true that weddings are traditionally community events. They
typically involve family and friends, and are crowed over, celebrated with, and
supported by the larger society. So it's only natural that people close to you
may feel some ownership in your wedding, and bring their own expectations to
bear. That doesn't mean that you can't have a small wedding, it just means that
you may need to try to understand why they might object.
Ideas On Where To Have The
Ceremony & Rehearsal
to have the ceremony and the reception for a smaller wedding? The standard
answer of a church or synagogue ceremony, followed by a banquet hall reception,
isn't necessarily the answer. For one thing, those settings may be too large for
your smaller gathering and you'd look and feel lost in such a large venue. Also,
you might find that commercial reception venues, such as hotels, will not agree
to host receptions with fewer than 120 people! But don't think of this as a
problem--take advantage of the opportunities that come with having a smaller
Smaller weddings have been successfully carried
off in restaurants, gardens, bed & breakfasts, historic inns, wedding
chapels, meditation chapels, museums, historic homes, and on trains and boats.
Some of these places may not advertise an availability for weddings, but that's
because they don't want inquiries from people holding 250-person events. You can
always ask. Consider yourself lucky--you have some unique options that the
average bride doesn't have!!
A note about at-home weddings & receptions
A small wedding may make it easy for you to
consider having the wedding, the reception, or both in your own or a relative's
home. This is wonderfully intimate, but one note of caution: do not make the
assumption that an "at-home" gathering will be significantly cheaper
than having elsewhere. Other locales have the chairs, tables, and other
trappings you need for a gathering. Your private home doesn't. Depending on the
size of your wedding, you may need to rent chairs, tables, tablecloths,
port-a-johns, dinnerware, and other items. This may add up more quickly than
anticipated. Just keep it in mind!
altogether: the "destination" wedding
If your wedding is small enough, you might
consider making your wedding one special part of a mini-vacation for you and
your guests. It isn't feasible for a large number of people to join you at a
vacation spot, but a small number may be willing and able to--particularly if
you make the destination someplace that people would love to go to anyway! Sante
Fe, Martha's Vineyard, Charleston, Mexico, and the Carribbean are all examples.
You can honeymoon at the same spot after your guests depart, or move on to yet
Ideas for the Ceremony &
Having a smaller wedding may cause you to look
for some different things to incorporate into your service. Some suggestions:
* Instead of a processional, allow guests to mix
and mingle before the service over wine and cheese. Give a toast to start the
event, and then have everyone proceed to their places.
* Give each member of your families a flower, and have them line the aisle. As
the bride proceeds towards the altar, she takes each one and assembles her
bouquet as she goes, symbolizing the contributions the family makes to this
* Consider having your families & guests stand up for the entire service, at
your side just as attendants would be in a larger wedding.
* Have members of your family do the readings.
* Ask each of the guests to say a few words about the couple, or ask them to
write a few things down ahead of time, and assemble them into a document for one
person to read aloud.
* Incorporate ethnic or family traditions that may have fallen by the wayside
through the years. Contact older family members, or research wedding traditions
via the web or the library.
* Make your wedding program more substantial, more of a booklet and keepsake.
Include messages to each of the guests and explanations of why you chose your
flowers, readings, colors, music, etc. If your wedding is held in a unique
place, give some information about it, too.
* Be your own "ushers" when it comes to dismissing people after the
service. Greet each guest as they leave the pew.
* Encourage each guest to use an entire page of your guestbook to share
comments, advice, or other messages. You'll have many more lines of space than
you'll have guests, so put it to good use and get a nicer keepsake of your
Some of the more traditional reception activities
may be less desirable with a smaller number of of guests, especially if they
tend to do better with a "critical mass" of people (for example,
dancing). Here are some ideas you might want to consider for your reception:
* Instead of having a typical reception, have a
"wedding supper" at a restaurant--as simple or as lavish as you
prefer. Some restaurants will even print a special menu just for your event.
* Consider renting a trolley or carriage or other interesting transportation for
* Have your photographer take photos of all your guests, either in one large
group photo or as couples, families, or other logical groups.
* If the reception is in a historic home or museum, have a tour guide there to
show guests the facility.
* In addition to a band or dj, hire a string quartet, a harpist, or other unique
* Prepare a slide show of photos of each of you from childhood, adolescence, and
on up through meeting one another. Include photos of each of you with your
families and other special guests.. Photo shops and copy centers can make slides
out of standard photographs (this can be expensive, so shop around for the best
price). Renting or borrowing the equipment (projector and screen) is possible.
Then show the slides during the reception, either with music (you can created a
mixed tape beforehand) or with some clever narration. Some videography companies
offer a similar service for creating videos from your still photos.
Whatever you do, take advantage of the smaller size to do some serious mixing
and mingling. Too many couples say that they didn't get to spend enough time
with their guests on their wedding day. You won't have this problem!