Recently a Facebook friend in the relationship space posted a link to an article.
It was all about a perceived problem called “commitment phobia.”
The author says for most people relationships are easy things.
But other people have a problem.
They’re not willing to commit.
They experience genuine anxiety and fear when they think of being in a relationship.
I want to emphasize what I’m talking about here has nothing to do with a genuine fear of intimacy and the inability to connect.
That indeed is a HUGE problem.
Something I had myself.
But that problem was NOT a problem of being unwilling to commit.
It was a problem of not being able to really CONNECT.
You don’t need to be committed at all, to be ALL IN in your relationship itself.
You just need the desire to mutually share.
Because you and your partner value each other.
The most telling two sentences in this entire article were these:
“When pressed for commitment, they are far more likely to leave the relationship than to make the commitment. Or they may initially agree to the commitment, then back down days or weeks later, because of overwhelming anxiety and fears.”
As I’ve said already such fears are real.
But they have nothing to do with commitment.
And honestly if you are PRESSED for that?
You really OUGHT to back away.
Commitment phobia is a healthy thing.
Because it recognizes things are all wrong.
Romantic love isn’t about commitment at all.
It is about connecting and sharing yourself.
You can share yourself with anyone you find a connection with, without having to agree to make them the “only one.” You can also share with them whether or not your connection “lasts forever.”
Rather than commitment phobia being a thing?
It is commitment OBSESSION that steers you wrong.
The very fact you feel a need to PRESS for commitment?
That shows you how far off track you’ve gone.
Another thing the author suggests?
There is an “inherent conflict” involved in romantic relationships.
Supposedly your desire for intimacy contradicts your desire to retain your individuality and freedom. Hmmm. Sounds like Romantic Friendships to me. It doesn’t seem to occur to this author that the inherent conflict he sees stems from his own misconception.
The assumption he is proceeding on?
That commitment is a GOOD thing.
That love is just a choice you make, irrespective of how you feel.
As I have said elsewhere, this is completely wrong.
Commitment doesn’t add a thing.
If you are not NOW desiring to connect with your partner?
Your relationship is over anyway.
Yes you can seek to revive it again.
But you have to WANT to revive it too.
No amount of commitment you’ve made in the past, is going to heal that wound.
I’ve told you here that I never break up with anyone, though several times girls have broken up with me. I won’t give them the monogamous commitment they want, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have my heart.
Given that breakup pattern, I seem to look like the committed one don’t I?
But that’s precisely because I WON’T commit.
Instead, I just desire to be intimate with anyone.
The only precondition is she has managed to steal my heart.
What is humorous is what this author does next.
He describes all the reasons people “won’t commit.”
As I read them I found myself thinking, “Those are the reasons people SEEK commitment.”
You seek commitment because you’ve had poor romantic relationships, and you want to ensure that doesn’t happen this time, and that this time it REALLY lasts.
You are afraid the relationship could end without notice.
If you don’t pin down your partner for good?
You think that it can’t be the “right” relationship.
You have trust issues, because of past hurts you’ve had.
They make you want to make sure you can trust your current partner now.
Childhood trauma or abuse, unmet childhood needs and attachment issues, and complicated family dynamics when you were growing up. These all contribute to you feeling now, that you have to press your partner to commit to you.
Of course if your partner isn’t willing to CONNECT?
That is a REAL issue.
But you’re not going to solve that by seeking commitment.
You need to open your communication lines and talk.
As long as your partner is willing NOW?
Ready to be close, and to share themselves with you?
You already have everything you think commitment is going to give you.
How about you? Have you been thinking what you needed was to press your partner for commitment, when what you really need to do is just receive the love their actually already giving?
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