Sometimes I get sad. Sometimes the tears fall because the enormity of the situation is just too much. The tears escape even when I don't want them too....even when I try to fight them...even when I feel silly for letting the sadness get to me. Sometimes the tears fall...and I feel weak...I feel angry at myself for letting my guard slip and letting the tears spill over.
Sometimes when the house is quiet and I'm left with my own thoughts screaming at me inside my head....I feel like the only way to let them out would be to simply open my mouth and scream....but I don't...because the quiet is so.....quiet....and I am afraid of the power that would be behind that scream if I let it out.
So I cry. I let the tears fall. My cheeks are hot and covered in my tears. Sometimes only a few escape....and other times they come fast and fierce and I sit there sniffling and hiccuping broken breaths in between my sobs....my glasses flung to the cushion beside me...because my tears and my hot cheeks have steamed the lenses and I can't see clearly anymore. I can't see clearly because I am trapped in the moment...this vulnerable...terrible...broken moment...and nothing else matters...I can't focus on anything.
I let go and the sadness pours out of me....
and when the tears subside...and I am able to breathe again...and see again...I feel numb. I feel tired and empty....and that's ok. I'm not perfect. I'm not a pancreas. I don't know everything. Diabetes is unbelievably hard sometimes. It hits me sometimes from out of nowhere....it hits me just how insane this life is...and I feel myself struggling to hold it in and keep it all together and wear my smile...my "it's all ok" look....my "it's not a big deal" look. Well, you know what? It IS a big deal. It's ok to be sad. It's ok to be pissed off.
It's ok to let the tears fall. Really, it is. It doesn't make you weak or not as good as the shiny happy all the time people. It doesn't make you any less of an excellent psuedo pancreas. It doesn't mean you are crazy.
It DOESN'T mean that you are crazy!
It means that you are real. It means that you are human.