DOVER — Parents are being encouraged by local and national experts to start a dialogue with their children about last week’s devastating school shootings in Connecticut.
For some very young children in kindergarten and preschool, talking about the event this week might not be appropriate. But for older children, and those who have already learned of the elementary school massacre, child trauma experts say parents should look for ways to start a conversation with their children about the event.
According to the National Child Traumatic Stress Network, a federally-funded organization, avoiding the subject can be harmful because it can create a heightened sense of danger in a child’s mind.
“Silence suggests that what has occurred is too horrible even to speak about or that you do not know what has happened,” reads information provided by the group in the wake of the Newtown shootings. “With social media (e.g., Facebook, Twitter, text messages, newsbreaks on favorite radio and TV stations, and others), it is highly unlikely that children and teenagers have not heard about this. Chances are your child has heard about it, too.”
Community Partners, a social services agency in Dover, is another group encouraging parents to use the shootings as an opportunity to have honest conversations with their children. Community Partners works with children and adults to address trauma and recovery issues.
“Acknowledge your child’s fears and concerns and then assure them that many people are working to keep them safe, including you, their teachers, and local police,” the agency advised in a recent media commentary.
The group advises parents to help children put their fears into proportion to the real risk, and assure them adults are doing everything they can to ensure safety.
For elementary school-age children, it might be more appropriate to use a combination of drawing, play and talking to express feelings about the event, the group advises.
Dr. David Rettew, an assistant professor of psychiatry at the University of Vermont College of Medicine, advises parents to start the conversation with questions rather than statements, which can help open dialogue and identify whether children have misconceptions about what took place.
In a recent blog post for the Vermont Center for Children, Youth and Families, Rettew laid out a few strategies to help parents guide their children through the aftermath of the shooting. He says to remind kids that schools are safe, and to focus their attention on the heroes of the event.
Another common thread in the advice offered by experts is that parents should limit their children’s exposure to media coverage of the shooting. That might entail waiting until after the kids go to sleep to get an update on the news, Rettew suggests.
The Traumatic Stress Network takes the stance that very young children shouldn’t be allowed to see or hear any television or radio shooting-related messages.
“Even if they appear to be engrossed in play, children often are aware of what you are watching on TV or listening to on the radio,” reads information provided by the group. “What may not be upsetting to an adult may be very upsetting and confusing for a child. Limit your own exposure as well. Adults may become more distressed with nonstop exposure to media coverage of this shooting.”
Janet Salsbury, director of quality improvement at Community Partners, points out that evidence suggests young children might get the sense that events are re-occurring each time they see a replay of the news footage. The agency advises parents to be alert to any signs of anxiety that might suggest a child or teenager needs assistance.
“Most children are quite resilient and will return to their normal activities and personality relatively quickly,” reads advice from Community Partners. “However indicators like a change in the child’s school performance, changes in relationships with peers and teachers, excessive worry, school refusal, sleeplessness, nightmares, headaches or stomachaches, or loss of interest in activities that the child used to enjoy should be noted [and] addressed by a professional if necessary.”
More tips from the National Child Traumatic Stress Network
Find out what your child already knows. Listen carefully and try to figure out what he or she believes, based on information from the media and friends. As your child explains, listen for misinformation, misconceptions, and underlying fears or concerns. Understand that this information will change as more facts about the shooting are known.
Gently correct inaccurate information. Take time to provide the correct information in simple, clear, age-appropriate language.
Encourage your child to ask questions, and answer those questions directly. Your child might have difficult questions about the incident. For example, children might ask if it a similar shooting could happen in their school. The concern about reoccurrence will be an issue for caregivers and children alike. By posing this question, children are also asking if they are safe. This might be a time to review plans your family has for keeping safe in the event of any crisis situation.
Children have many common reactions to tragedy. In the immediate aftermath of the shooting, they might have more trouble paying attention and concentrating, and might become more irritable or defiant. Children also might have trouble separating from caregivers, and it’s common for young people to feel anxious about what has happened, what might happen in the future, and how it will impact their lives. Their sleep and appetite routines might change. In general, you should see these reactions lessen within a few weeks.
Be a positive role model. Consider sharing your feelings about the shooting with your child, but at a level they can understand. Think about expressing your sadness and empathy for the victims and their families. You can share some worry, but it is important to also share ideas for coping with difficult situations like this tragedy. When you speak of the quick response by law enforcement and medical personnel to help the victims, you help your child see that there can be good, even in the midst of such a horrific event.
Be patient. In times of stress, children might have trouble with behavior, concentration, and attention. While they might not openly ask for your guidance or support, they will want it. Both children and teens will need a little extra patience, care, and love.
Be ready to seek extra help. Should reactions continue or interfere with your child’s ability to function, contact local mental health professionals who have expertise in trauma. Contact your family physician, pediatrician or state mental health association for referrals to such experts.