I have it and I recently spent 86 dollars getting Microsoft Word in order to write and now, it’s insanity.
I need you to cut me, cut a chord here one there. Start light and make me feel it, cut me deep, smile and enjoy it, make me gasp, breath it in.
Nuzzle me touch my skin, make it sting make it count, three, four, five. Cut me like you need to, make me love the pain, cut my emotions like you couldn't wait to get rid of them.
Make me bleed let it pool on my body like scarlet colored rubies. Cut me for my sins, cut me for feeling, cut me for existing, cut me until I scar, scar the year 2000 mosaic.
Drag me to the mirror reflect your handy work. Cut me like you will never let me go, cut me like no one else can have me. Cut me until you can pull my heart out and leave me dead inside.
I played myself, I let that sinister anime smile come out, I convinced myself that speaking out is what I should do. Yet do I have the strength to stay in my lane when I need to. People talk to me about letting their demons out, foolishness, you have never acquainted yourself with evil to understand it. It’s not just a construct about the human condition or the rage one feels.
It’s not just danger or the fight or flight method. If we call our emotions demons then I have many levels and have only unleashed lesser demons. Never the big ones, I don’t use those to fight I use those for the slaughter when my lips release fatal embraces. A tongue hotter than melted metal. Lips that invite danger and air swift and corrosive.
I know that about me and against my better judgement went into battle when I shouldn’t have and betrayed myself to my old nature. How can I grow, when this old skin feels so tight, I am an insult to my own progress. I am slow, I am slow, I am slow, to take beneficial medication and walk away.
I have a fight and that is not it, yet my emotional demons seek to change me back and the guilt is my own. Foolishness again upon me, how long will I continue ignorant to visible signs of danger? When will I get moving off this road? Will I choose to be strong enough to let go, will I choose the honeycomb or the snakes bite? Have I lost my ability to discern the difference?
Time is short to find a way out and things in this world are changing, so I should never forget which side of the fence I should be on, and where I was today was not the one.
What I fail to see what we could fail to see, is that all of this time all of this fighting is as empty and hollow as calories of victory, always wanting more and never satisfied. I won’t fight for that so I need to remember what is worth me time. If I must fight, fight for something with justification and meaning.
Every time I quit someone, some one is there to fill that space, when you called for a ride I prayed that someone else would take you.
I knew if I took you home I would seduce you.
I knew if I took you home I would kiss you.
I knew if I took you home I would touch you.
I knew if I took you home I would be inside of you.
It’s wrong you know, because your with someone else, it’s wrong you know, because I could take you there take me there. It’s wrong because you know it and I know it’s true.
I can picture all of the things I would do to put you in the mood, you know my hunger is villainous, more than a touch dangerous.
When my hand would go on your thigh, around your wast and below that line. How one touch would make your skin flush, the warmth, the heat, oh now your hot.
You have a boyfriend and it wouldn’t have made a difference, you would have felt me deep because I would have planted the seed, you would have compromised because I would have told you I have had your boyfriend too.
Thirty minutes to an hour later, things would have really changed, things would have been really different, you would leave and I would drive away, I would feel like trash, but I would have convinced you to cheat. So I am glad I prayed, so I could get away, cause no one deserves to be in those situations and it’s better to say no or make anything up to stay out of danger.
Lust is not like Love but it can be equally as dangerous, add an addiction and it’s like a natural disaster, you can get hit and hope your alive to tell the tale.
You make me miserable, you do not work, I feel like I am running on empty. Every time I swear my kind there you come where I am at, making see that I can’t escape , making see all the things I can’t get, to bait me, to make me miss it, want it, surrender, just like that.
I am never happy I feel dragged down, if I could cut my arms and bleed my desire out I would, until I cold lifeless, the same temperature of an arctic winter.
I want to cut off my skin, I don’t feel safe, I feel betrayed in it, I feel insecure, I feel hollow, dark, dank, and sinking.
Paralyzed, and I just want to be left alone, what I want does not exist. I want to burn my feelings out of me with all my might, I want to feel nothing, nothing at all.
It takes make strength to want to run to care to run, yet I need to, yet I have to.
I don’t know when, I don’t know how…
I look out of the narrow tall window
Nothing to see but an empty space
People that come in and out of view
Vehicles in and out in a single blink.
Hand through my hair, this smell unfamiliar
Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts, thoughts
I touch my skin, is this even mine can it be mine
To breathe in to breathe out
Is it hope in depression out
Is it depression in hope out
Or is it all just covered over by anger
I think I forgot to know the difference.
When the mouth speaks words have meaning
What I write is what I feel
What I say is what I feel
It’s an emotional deal.
It’s hard to think straight to not get swept down stream.
I feel like I have been daydreaming
Why am I in this hole
Who is that with the words sex written all over him
I am being buried by that same figure
Of wait he looks like me
Smile child smile
The truth is up to your knees
If I hurry maybe I can finally climb out
It looks so far up, maybe it’s been in my head
The whole situation has always been just waist deep.
I could walk out at anytime.
The bodies, yes the bodies of my lust
Their grip is as strong as death
They won’t be denied they won’t be deterred
They won’t stay buried
They won’t return love
They corrupt my skin
They corrupt my heart
They won’t die off they won’t stay down
They have all the strength in the world to drag me down.
Hands all over me, I feel no pain, I feel desire
I feel sick with lust in all the wrong places
This is my love sick, sex sick, addiction
That line between hot bodies and cold connections
Every time I say no I feel the hands
The long injection of lust, to feed to hunger
In my veins in goes
The light feels dimmer
Almost buried alive lost and forgotten
My hand reaches out, can I claw out
To be continued…
There is so much more to accomplish so much more that needs to change, let my mind go through the woods and to the clearing, I can rule the world and first it starts with my world.
Then I learned that my heart that my souls has so many layers, wrapped with dark silks. I am blessed I am cursed, I exist in strange places, I can be more I can be less, but caught is what you’ll be. I am balance I am chaos, I am one in the same and it can’t be denied it can’t be stopped it can’t be pushed back.