here’s one that’s gonna crack your grey matter wide open this thursday morning. so about a month ago, i signed up to take this exam. this international, kinda difficult exam. i know it is difficult because i have failed this paper before. those of you who stalk the right channels in my life and have even a semi functioning brain will probably be able to guess what i’m writing about. the rest of you will just have to suck your thumbs and be content that it is an exam that is just really difficult. because frankly, what the whole paper is about does not make even the slightest difference in your blessed life. really, it does not.
point is this la, when i signed up a month ago, i was thinking like, okay, i got a month to study. which is actually good timing. i had just completed a gig and some projects were closing already and i thought, okay, sekarang boleh focus on the next big thing. the whole keeping busy routine so that the mind does not wander off too far into the dark side. you know what i mean (or else just nod and smile).
thing is, sebaik saja after registering for the exam and paying the fees and getting all the books i need, dengan secara tiba-tiba and i really absolutely need to emphasize on the SECARA TIBA-TIBA part of this okay, a tsunami of things just come flooding into my life! and i do mean like several things, all at the same time. and i suddenly found myself stretched for time as it is. i swear to you, i have not had more than four hours of sleep at night for the past… omg, must have been like the past two weeks already? and the way i see it, the next time i can pocket more than five hours of straight sleep would be in about three weeks’ time. i am not kidding you, man. i got work, i got gigs, i got affairs, i got projects. yea, i know i have said this before, but damn man, everyone seems to want a piece of me and i tell you, they want me right NOW!
so all of a sudden, the timing for this exam is right at its worst lah. i was telling mom just last weekend that i can’t even switch off these days. even in my sleep, i get all kinds of dreams that has me feeling even more tired when i get up. you know that kind of dreams. every time i sit down to my revision books, something or other shimmies into my mind and i get worried about all these distractions. i don’t really want to say that i have bitten off more than i could chew, but it actually feels like things are all coming to take a bite off me all at the same time. i’m visualising one of those piranha movie scenes where a whole school of them would bear their taring and come and ambush the poor innocent and unsuspecting victim. yea. that would be me.
remember, i said i has failed this exam before. this is a retake. maybe that’s why i feel so much pressure this time around. it really really makes me feel so bad that i am so incredibly unprepared. in fact, i was telling CK yesterday that this time around, i am feeling even more unprepared that i did the first time around. and i know this is a difficult exam. that voice in me that’s telling me that i am unprepared, that is experience talking.
and so the question that will melt your skull is this: should i even turn up for the exam? i mean, seriously, it is slowly sinking in that i am almost definitely going to fail this exam. pergi ke tak pergi, i am learning to accept that circumstances conspired to make it just so not conducive for me to take this exam right now. and i can blame myself and all for not being able to concentrate, but you know, all these things that are happening in my life right at this point in time, they are not all bad. seriously.
and this exam, well, i can take it again in august or at the end of the year. i can’t differ the current registration (yea, i tried), but i can try again lain kali. i am just wondering what this is going to do to my self esteem. you know, kalah sebelum bertanding. that jazz. part of me is saying, if i go and i take the exam, and fail like really really badly, i am just gonna be so bummed, man. on the other hand, kalau take pergi langsung, that really is admitting defeat without even trying. losing without even fighting. betul-betul kes kalah sebelum bertanding. how can i bear that in my conscience?
and i am swinging between the two decisions. nak pergi ke tak? nak pergi ke tak? right now, i am thinking that i’d go. what have i got to lose, kan? i’ve already lowered my own expectations down to zero. so, i’d sit through all of that. and suffer the slings and arrows that fortune has for me. and i’ll probably go down. and i’ll probably not be going down the hard way either. all the dimensions about the exam yang aku tak tahu is well, aku tak tahu. experience tells me that there are just some parts to this exam that is just un-bullshit-able. there is so little room to tembak answers and so easy to get confused. but folks, i am going to sit through that.
i will try.