I'm a terrible blogger. I never remember to do it. I'm constantly remembering that I *should* have blogged this or promising that I *will* blog that. Never. I'm a failure. I only sit down to blog when I've been thinking deep thinks or feeling deep feels. It seems like I am drawn to this place when my heart is heavy or when I have philosophies about life that I want to think through. That is when I am drawn to this spot.
My tendency is to talk. You know me. This is not a revelation. However, I find that I am capable of being most vulnerable and most clear when I write it out. When I sit across the table from someone and feel the pull of my heart urging me to be transparent and to pour out my thoughts, I'm often stopped dead in my tracks when I look into the other person's eyes. I can't tell them *this*. I can't be *so* honest. I can't be *that* open. I can't. They won't understand. They won't hear me. They won't accept me. They won't. I just know it.
It is the deepest desire of my heart to share real life with someone. To forge honestly into the future knowing that acceptance and grace will lead the way. To trust that no matter how hard and no matter how difficult, I will not be alone. I will not be rejected. That what I am will not be too much. My heart yearns for acceptance. Maybe it's because I struggle to accept myself. It could be that I feel like I am too much. It might be that I'm just too scared to find out the truth. The truth that I am too much. That no one will understand. That I am alone.
I hear a deep hope inside my soul whispering to move forward. Push through. Be courageous. I truly believe that real relationships are rooted in openness and vulnerability. That to know someone requires hard work on both sides. It is only when you step outside your comfort zone and choose to trust the unknown that real progress can be made. I don't want superficial friendships that stay on the surface where it is safe. I want relationships that challenge me to be better and push me towards knowing myself better. I want deep, meaningful, heartfelt conversation that inspires me to become someone who I can be proud of.
This is my goal. To be courageous. To move towards this kind of relationship and trust that it can be done. My hope is that my vulnerability will inspire truer friendship and a more meaningful existence. I want to learn first hand what it means to show grace to others in my day to day life so that I may find the strength to show grace to myself.
This is my invitation to you: come along with me on this journey. Allow me to share with you my struggles and my fears. Let me be vulnerable here. Help me find the courage not to shy away from being transparent. Encourage me to believe that this place is safe.
I will still share my day to day life and recipes I love, but I will no longer shut down my deeper desire to share my heart with you. I cannot allow my fears to follow me here. Step one begins with believing that I am drawn to this place for a reason. That what I need to say and feel has a place to go. Even if no one reads it or agrees with it, at least I will have had the courage to write it.