I recently went to Greece on a retreat for 10 days. While I am still processing a lot of those experiences, when I got back home I fell down pretty hard. It was a lot to ask of my body to travel there and back not to mention the activities and managing food and treatments while I was there.
I came home depleted and exhausted. My body was having difficulty adjusting back to the time change and I spent a lot more time then I would like in bed doing nothing. I do mean nothing, not sleeping, not listening to music or books, just simply laying down and not moving. I needed to ask Adam with help with groceries and food, which puts added stress on him.
So what is my tendency in these situations? How do I feel about myself? I feel pretty terrible about myself, my self critic will kick in big time and my self compassion drops to a zero. None of this pattern helps me recover faster, it is just another draw on my energy. So how do I change that? How do I transform this pattern of I am worth something when I am "well" and I am not worth something when I need to rest and recover?
I could go into patterns learned in childhood, that I have since reinforced through my own actions. But for me this is a feeling, it is not logical. Understanding the creation of the pattern is not enough in this case, it must be interrupted again and again, new pathways need to be formed and nurtured. One way to do that is to become a question ninja, to ask questions until one opens up a door.
It is about having the patience with myself to ask a lot of questions, because when I feel poorly I am not terribly receptive or connected. I want to push the world away and curl up in my little ball and not be seen. Which again makes it really difficult to ask for help, or even accept help that might be offered.
So here are some questions that made me stop, that opened up some new doors, and changed my perspective a little bit. Yep, I am still exhausted and I will be resting for the next couple of days, but I will slowly step away from that self critic and through some new doors.
- Do I want to be perfect or healthy?
- Do I want to accept that I am human and have needs or continue to repress them?
- Do I want connection or significance?
That allure of perfection is a common theme for me, and a complete illusion. Health and well-being on the other hand is real, and I am worth being real, human and connected.
Question of the day: What are questions you ask yourself to break your patterns? What patterns need a slight perspective shift?