This is Marmite. He also goes by other pseudonyms including Catrick Swayze, Chairman Meow and on occasion, simply as ‘douche cat’ which is meant in an affectionate manner. Douche cat, or Marmite as he is sometimes known is an epic bellend. Turn your back on him for just a second a there will be a pile of dead rodents at your feet.
What greater gift than the love of a cat.
Charles Dickens c.1862
Man the fuck up Dickens! Your cat probably took a shit in your shoes every night!
Dictionaries define annoying as an adjective meaning causing annoyance; irritatingly bothersome. I have emailed several lexicography websites to request that a photo of Marmite be added to the official definition, but I’m still waiting for a reply. Marmite has somehow managed to take annoying to unprecedented levels. If I was a casual observer, I’d probably be impressed at his skills, but I’m a victim of his douchebaggery.
Cat behaviour experts have determined that our feline ‘friends’ like to make extremely kind gestures by bringing us gifts in the form of live, or sometimes ceased to be rodents and other small animals. These so-called experts would probably consider Marmite to be a very thoughtful cat indeed. He’s the cat that keeps giving…literally and figuratively!
I have lost count of the number of times Marmite has released a live mouse in the house. He once did this in the middle of the night and dropped the bewildered creature on our bed. He then jumped off the bed, sat down and took in the utter chaos he had created. I’m sure the bastard was smiling! On one occasion, we heard a faint scratching noise coming from one of the bedside cabinets. After removing the drawers, I found terrified mouse trying to escape. I have even dismantled part of the kitchen catching a mouse he gifted. I dread to think how many uninvited animals are living in our house, but yeah, thanks for the pressies Marmite!
Other gifts include announcing his presence with meows outside the back door. He’ll do this until someone opens the door for him, even though there’s a perfectly good cat flap for him to use…the very same cat flap the bastard uses to bring his ‘gifts’ inside the house.
When I’m studying, he’ll often be sitting outside the window next to my desk meowing for attention, then when I open the window to give him a fuss, he fucks off after a few seconds. More often than not straight to the back door to request someone opens it for him. Epic bellend.
If Marmite was a sound, you’d hear the Crazy Frog song mixed with Barbie Girl whenever he was in earshot. Those annoying sounds would then be stuck with you for the rest of the day.
That is fucking annoying!
Cats. They’re utter bastards, but I do love douche cat ❤