I am at my Mom’s native today and as usual I am battling the quintessential ‘M’ question. One thing that none of my relatives can understand is why a 32-year old woman would not want to jump at the chance of getting married to the next prospective groom who comes her way? Isn’t 32 really late anyway; what with her younger cousins already getting married.
No, I am not debating here about the ‘M’ question but about how our life is a series of mysterious forces at work. Atleast some are. About what I plan to do about them.
I won’t say my life today is because of a series of choices I made. That’s too unrealistic. A fairy tale of sorts. A better way of putting it is – it is a consequence of a series of decisions I made. And I’ll be honest, I stand by all my decisions. Some proved wrong, but I stand by them.
Today my aunt asked me, “Do you look back and have regrets?“I said, “Regrets? None at all.“
I don’t regret resigning my plush corporate job, I don’t regret spending a year and a half wandering and deciding I want to write, I don’t regret being in a relationship that was doomed from day one, I don’t regret that move to Bangalore because I believed my life was there and no I don’t regret deciding that words will be the only way. No I don’t.
This is not a heroic tale. I did not script this and I would not have scripted it this way if I had a chance to. It happened like I said as a result of a lot of decisions which I thought were the best at that point.
For someone who does not believe in destiny but the workings of the universe, I would say the universe was getting me to my story’s stage.
I would like to believe that I am at a stage in life where I am on a new page. A new chapter awaits. It isn’t that the old chapters won’t have a connection. I carry their wisdom into the new one. I have the choice to get back to the 9 to 5 routine of a job and get comfortable. But I chose words. And I stand by my choice.
I told my aunt, “I don’t have regrets, but I have pain. Anything that I had ever planned in my life never came to being. So I take a lesson out of it and just want to live the day. I am scared of hoping, dreaming even planning. I want to see where does the story go.“
“And everyone in the family thinks why no marriage? Because I don’t look at marriage as a solution to every problem. With so much action in my life, I don’t even think I have any space for it as yet.“
I don’t know where I am going but I know I am moving. I know it is a good thing to keep moving. I know I am on a path. And every path leads to some place. Which is my place, I may know someday.
Till then I say yes to the life I choose. I say yes to my story. I say yes to every criticism I face. And I say ‘Love You’ to every tiny voice that eggs me on.