This is my love letter to all of you. I want and know in my heart that some of you need to hear part of my story. It is not one of tragedy by any stretch but it is laced with choices that were not wise and were compounded with an insatiable desire to be known.
If you are woman, you know what I am talking about.
We all want to be known. And sadly, nearly all of us at one point were/are willing to do just about anything to be known, if even being "known"is only for a few minutes, hours, days, etc. I had that desire from the time I was about 17 to about 27-a decade of my life filled with my soul on the altar of being desired.
Some of my dearest friends know some of my stories. I won't go into a ton of detail but let's just say there were many nights where I don't remember how I got to where I was, many mornings where I didn't know who I had hung out with the night before, YEARS of staring at my phone/computer waiting for one person or another to call/text/etc/acknowledge me, times of driving under the influence that I don't even remember, etc.
I was telling one of my amazing girlfriends some of these stories. She has a crazy story and a ton of brokenness from her father and her life growing up. We were talking about how I felt like I had a hedge of protection around me for all those years. Because, the interesting thing about my story is: that I somehow remained a virgin until I was married (any of my friends who were with me during this period of time would say aside from the mighty hand of God that would've been impossible-I mean IMPOSSIBLE), never got arrested, never got pursued by the men that I wanted to be pursued by (until my husband), and literally made it through ten straining years somewhat unscathed.
This same girlfriend recently went through a crazy experience where someone she knew ended up taking their own life and all of this stuff came out after (laden with nothing good: I mean affairs, multiple partners within two marriages, affairs with men/women, etc). She could never figure out why this one particular guy would never really pursue her, especially physically. He pursued everyone else and seemed to always keep her at arms distance in a quite respectful way. And trust me, this friend of mine is drop-dead-gorgeous and she could literally get asked out ten times a day.
It was after she was telling me this whilst sitting on my couch that she with tears said, "I know now exactly what you were talking about when you said there was a hedge of protection around you. Could you have imagined my life if I would've gotten involved with him?"
So please-I write you because I don't want ANY of you to pine after someone/something that God did not intend for you. It will destroy you in many instances and you will be left striving for your value not from your Maker but from another broken person. You will forget, quite easily, that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Satan tends to be an expert at telling lies regarding such.
Stop waiting for that boy to text or call. Stop trying to get drunk just to get the nerves to act a little bit "looser" so maybe more boys will pay attention. Stop saying to yourself, "if just this guy liked me."
I did all of this. This is from my heart.
And start living. Pick up a Bible and learn who Jesus is and why you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Volunteer. A lot (one of the best seasons of my life). Serve others. Really start thinking about the purpose for this life and realize in that, who God made you to be and how much you are cherished.
And don't be me in the "lost" decade. God had SO MUCH GRACE on me and not only did I get an amazing husband, I also got a beautiful daughter who's soul just delights anyone around her. My heart also can now soar because, "she who has been forgiven much, loves much." And because I know that grace was poured out on me, it helps me to realize the beauty of what can be and what often really is all around us.
So again, please don't use alcohol to lose yourself (because yourself is pretty awesome), please don't throw yourself at boys because I promise you...only ONE is worth your heart and I doubt it is the same one you will throw yourself at, and please, don't have a lost decade like I did.
I love you. I really do. And if you are local-I like coffee dates and hearing peoples' stories. My schedule is just a little cray-cray these days :)
Love, Anna N
Oh, and here is a post from awhile ago on "waiting."