Three Ways To Be More Intentional With Your Daughter
Aug 6, 2018 | By: Jennifer Lebo
“ I want to be more intentional.”
We hear this everywhere. Let’s get intentional. You need to be intentional. I love how intentional she is. But what the heck does this idea mean and is it even important or is it just fluff that we throw around to sound deep and significant?
I would like to break this idea down today, because I actually think that if we consider the idea of “intentionality”, especially with respect to parenting our teen girls, we could move into something quite powerful.
So let’s start at the beginning. What does this word mean? What does it mean to be intentional with something or with someone? The word itself is defined as deliberate, on purpose, premeditated planned. So to be intentional with our daughters is to be purposeful in our relationship with them. It is about connecting with them on purpose.
This is a powerful and very important idea.
But why? Why is it important for us to become intentional with our daughters?
1. This relationship is of utmost importance.
A daughter’s relationship with her mother s one of the most (if not THE MOST) important relationships of her childhood and into adulthood. This relationship is in our hands, or at least part of it is. Leaving it to chance or happenstance seems frivolous at best, dangerous at worse. Instead, by becoming intentional with it, we can work deliberately to connect with our daughters. This seems the sensible and wise choice.
2. Intentionality with our daughters helps our focus.
Being intentional with our daughters helps us narrow down just what exactly we want to pour into our girls. What do we want to be intentional about? Do we want to instill in her a sense of self confidence and self love? Do we want to teach her about being a good friend? How to pursue a purposeful career? Dating wisdom? Social media savvy? Being intentional means that we consider WHAT we want to focus on. For many of us, that focus is centered about building trust and connection, creating for her a safe place in our home and in our presence. But once we can hone in on the specifics of our intentions, we can take actionable steps on how to get there.
3. Being intentional allows us a way to measure our relationship progress.
It’s hard to know if we’re “doing it right” when it comes to our daughters! In fact, more often than not, I go to bed convinced I’m doing it all wrong. BUT! If we are intentional about specific values or ideas that we want to instill in our girls, or about the specific type of relationship we want to have with her, we can take those actionable steps to fulfilling our intentions. And with actionable steps, we can better measure our progress.
For example, one of my intentions is to promote a healthy body image in our daughter. It is very important to me that my daughter carries a positive image of her body and loves herself from the outside down to her core. And so I’m going to take specific steps toward that intention. Perhaps I plan to be an example to her, and I work to cut out the negative self talk, even if she’s not there. Or perhaps I decide to keep a journal where I write down what I observe about her, so that I can build her up in specific ways. Whatever I decide to do, I can take action. And in doing so, I can measure my progress. I can get to the end o my day and say, “Great job, Jen! You really kept the self talk positive today.” Or I can look at my journal and see days of notes on what I’m observing, as I become a student of my daughter. I’m making progress I can be proud of, which then inspires me to keep going. Or I can see that I’m slacking a bit and I can be motivated to try again tomorrow. Either way, being intentional helps me measure my progress more specifically.
OK, so we know WHY it’s important to be intentional, but HOW do we do it? Below are three simple ways to get started on being more intentional with your own daughter.
1. Visualize Your Ideal Relationship
The best way to get started is to know where you want to go! If you don’t know where you’re going, how will you know which way to go in order to get there? So the first thing to do is visualize your finish line. Visualize that ideal relationship with your daughter.
First, close your eyes (after you read this). Take a few deep breaths and calm your body and mind. Allow yourself to drift and daydream about time with your daughter in the ideal setting. What are you two doing? What conversation is going on between you two? What are you feeling? What are the emotions between you? Facial expressions? Body language? Take it all in.
Then write it down. As much as you can remember, in as much detail, write down the image you just dreamed of. From this ideal day or ideal moment, you can lay the foundation of your intentions.
2. Set goals (SMART ones) based on your ideal vision.
So considering that ideal day, let’s ask some questions. What brought you there? Were you out somewhere together? Were you hugging or feeling close to her physically? Was your daughter sharing her life with you? Was she confiding in you? Was there obvious trust between you? Were you laughing? Crying? Consider your ideal. Then set SMART goals based on this ideal vision.
If your ideal vision had you and your daughter physically close, hugging or arm in arm, then set the goal to intentionally hug your daughter every single day (I love this goal and have it for all of my kids). If your vision had an obvious connection of trust, then set a goal to earn her trust in tangible ways. (I have a FREE Roadmap for you!) If your vision had you both out together, set a goal to have more mom/daughter dates (Grab my FREEBIE of 50 Mom/Daughter Date Ideas). Whatever the vision, find tangible goals that you can set, either daily or periodically, to be more intentional with your daughter.
3. Recap your day each evening.
At the end of every day, take a few moments to ask yourself two simple questions, each specific to your intentions with your daughter.
First, “What great thing(s) did I do today to be more intentional with my daughter?” This is such a great question to ask yourself every night. It sets your mind on a positive note, and allows you to celebrate the hard work you put into your relationship. As well, it provides you with hope, inspiration, and a feeling of success as you end one day and get ready to start the next.
Second, “What can I do even better tomorrow?” It’s important to ask yourself this question just like this, rather than “What didn’t I do great?” or something more like that. The reason is that we want to maintain that positive mindset. We don’t want to let any negatives wipe out the positives from that first question, but rather we just want to build on those initial positives. So focus on what you can do even better. This creates a mindset of motivation and even more hope for the future and gets us lit up to kick more butt tomorrow.
Being intentional is a wise way to approach your relationship with your daughter. And it’s not as fluffy or fancy or overwhelming as you may have thought. Envision, set goals, and do the work each day. As I mentioned earlier, her relationship with you is perhaps the most important one of her entire childhood, so invest in it. We can raise a tribe of strong, confident, empowered young ladies together. Let’s be intentional about it.
If you found this blog post useful, and you want to dive deeper with me on the topic of how to cultivate closeness with our teen daughters, and how to build a trusting relationship with them, I have a brand new course coming out very soon! It's called "Cultivating Closeness: Practical Steps To a Closer Relationship With Your Teen Daughter", and its goal is to help moms everywhere foster a deeper and closer relationship with their teen daughters through some simple but powerful steps. If you want to be one of the first to know when this course comes out, be sure to get on my Cultivating Closeness Waitlist! There will be special bonuses and treats for my early bird registrants!