It’s been a long time since I’ve actually sat down and watched any anime. My anime-viewing habits are pretty fickle. I either binge watch ten series all the way through in a month, or I don’t watch anything other than snippets of whatever shounen my boyfriend’s watching in the living room.
Maybe it was a bit foolish to start a whole anime blog based on such a spotty interest. It’s not that I like anime any LESS during my dry spells…it’s just that I really only gravitate towards anime when I’m in need for some hardcore escapism.
You see, anime is usually my go-to during depressive episodes. During those times, I would have a hard time actually getting anything done. Homework, chores, socializing – they were all neglected in favor of depression naps and anime binges. Depression naps just led to more depression, but anime watching would give me at least SOME sense of joy. I would get a weird sense of accomplishment from setting stuff to COMPLETE on MyAnimeList. Watching anime is pretty passive, and realistically anyone can sit down in front of a monitor for eight hours straight, but if I finished a series in a day, I at least felt like I DID something.
Plus, there’s the obvious distraction factor. Movies can only keep you occupied for ninety minutes or so, but a big old anime franchise can keep your intrusive thoughts at bay for DAYS if you play your cards right. Shout out to all the 100+ episode shounens and magical girl series out there…who needs therapy when I can just watch Cardcaptor Sakura for two weeks?
Slice-of-life anime made for peak escapism, too. I watched A LOT of iyashikei-style shows in my darkest hours. Feel-good shows would obviously lift my spirits, even the tiniest bit. I’ve never been the type to drown my sorrows in sad music or anything like that – I’d much rather surround myself with saccharine idol shows. No joke, a hyperfixation on LoveLive! helped push a lot of suicidal thoughts away.
In my earlier, closeted days, anime would even help me feel better about being my bi self. I’ve written about this before in relation Lucky Star – it meant a lot to be able to see lesbian relationships shown in a way that didn’t feel sleezy or oversexed. I had a lot of self-loathing because I thought liking girls was ~*evil*~, so seeing anime girls wholesomely crushing on other anime girls made me feel much better. Of course, looking back on some of this stuff now, I realize that a lot of these things were steeped in “it’s just a phase” stereotypes, but at the time that didn’t matter.
Which brings me to now. I’m still looking for pieces of myself in media, but I’m not looking for the same things that I used to. I don’t want easy feel-good stuff, and now that I’ve actually delved into queer theory junk (because I’m a big gay dork), I don’t really find the same kind of solace in the oft-problematic yuri/slice-of-life franchises. Instead, I’ve been looking for escapism in horror movies instead. Good horror will tackle mental health issues in subversive, interesting ways – and I’m at a point in my life where I want to confront my Bad Brain issues, not run away from them.
On top of that, having a full-time job makes it a lot harder to binge-watch entire anime series. It’s a bit too hard to follow along with each new anime season like I used to, too. My time feels so limited that I don’t want to waste it on things that I’m just watching because it’s new, you know? Now, movies are just a lot more digestible. These days, 90 minutes of distraction is all I have time for!
I still love the anime I love, but my love and needs from the medium have changed. I’m a little less depressed and a little more busy. But I’ll always love it for being there when I needed it. And you know I’m always going to return to Cowboy Bebop for some nostalgia fixes.