In case you missed it, a prostitution scandal involving the U.S. Secret Service has occurred in a place named Columbia. At least that is what the FoxNews.com website keeps saying in its stories.
For example, a FoxNews.com story dated 24 April 2012 starts with the following statement:
Three more Secret Service employees are being forced out in connection with the prostitution scandal in Columbia, agency assistant Director Paul S. Morrissey said Tuesday evening.
As it turns out, there is more than one place named Columbia. So, which Columbia is the site of the scandal being reported by FoxNews.com?
Is it Columbia, Alabama, or Columbia, California, or Columbia, Connecticut, or Columbia, Illinois, or Columbia, Iowa, or Columbia, Kentucky, or Columbia, Louisiana, or Columbia, Maine, or Columbia, Maryland, or Columbia, Mississippi, or Columbia, Missouri, or Columbia, New Hampshire, or Columbia, New Jersey, or Columbia, New York, or Columbia, North Carolina, or Columbia, Pennsylvania, or Columbia, South Carolina, or Columbia, South Dakota, or Columbia, Tennessee, or Columbia, Virginia, or Columbia, Wisconsin?
Perhaps the FoxNews.com website is onto something. A recent Washington Post story states the following:
The prospect of Secret Service agents sharing embarrassing tales about rank-and-file employees and superiors partying to the hilt could bring more anguish to an agency reeling from scandal.
Those close to the accused employees said that in an effort to fight for their jobs they could opt to divulge details of how colleagues spent some of their downtime on presidential trips — drinking heavily, visiting strip clubs and cavorting with women for hire.
“Of course it has happened before” said one agent not implicated in the matter, remarking on the Secret Service’s history of occasionally licentious partying. “This is not the first time. It really only blew up in this case because the [U.S. Embassy] was alerted.”
This additional information prompts me to ask:
Is the Secret Service prostitution scandal limited to the nation of Colombia, or does it also involve other places, such as places named Columbia?
When was the last time that the POTUS visited a place named Columbia?
Are Secret Service agents charged a $30-rate by prostitutes while the POTUS is visiting a place named Columbia?
As in the GSA scandal (more of your tax dollars “at work”), I doubt that the Secret Service agents involved in the prostitution scandal would have participated in such a scandal if there were not already a culture within the U.S. Secret Service that looks the other way whenever Secret Service agents live la vida loca while on a business trip.
To make matters worse, this scandal involving the U.S. Secret Service – as reported by the Washington Post – took place in Colombia. Had the scandal taken place in Columbia – as reported by FoxNews.com – then those prostitutes would have been U.S. citizens. It’s no wonder that President Obama called the guilty Secret Service agents knuckleheads. He can’t take credit for creating/saving U.S. jobs.
All of this brouhaha is the result of someone refusing to pay his fair share. Instead of spreading his wealth around, the unnamed agent (who henceforth will be referred to as John) tried to get away with paying only $30, as if the woman were some kind of cheap whore. Just where did John think he was, Columbia? The woman (who henceforth will be referred to as Trix) was hoping to receive more than change from John. Perhaps now Trix will understand what U.S. citizens mean when they claim to be screwed by the Obama Administration.
Of course, it wouldn’t be fair to blame President Obama for what John did. In order to be fair, Obama would have to be out of the Oval Office, and his successor would have to blame Obama – that’s according to the rules that Obama has been playing by.
None of this would have happened if Bill Clinton were still POTUS. Employees of FoxNews.com would not be misspelling the location of a sex scandal, because those employees know the correct spelling of the English translation of La Casa Blanca.
However, Clinton is no longer POTUS, and the current POTUS is making campaign stops throughout the USA. So, it’s reasonable to ask “Prostitution scandal where?” because Secret Service agents have to go wherever the POTUS goes. It’s even possible that the current POTUS will make a campaign stop in a place named Columbia.
P.S.: You can credit (or blame) Fox News personality Greg Gutfeld for my attempt at satire in the above post. He influences me whenever I listen to his monologues on the Fox News show The Five. Greg’s co-hosts on the show (Andrea Tantaros, Bob Beckel, Dana Perino, Eric Bolling, Juan Williams, Kimberly Guilfoyle) all have interesting things to say, but none of them is quite the wordsmith that Greg is.