I went to see Breaking Dawn Part II last night. An hour away from home, to meet a friend half way so that we could be twihard geeky together. Her plan was to wear a wolf shirt, mine was to howl the first time I saw Jacob and cry the first time I saw Edward. Which didn't work out. Surprising because I had two Christmas Ales and was feeling mighty fine and howling was certainly not out of the question.
This particular friend has identical twin girls who were born five months after Ainsley and Evelyn.
Five years ago, if you told me that I would get pregnant with identical twin girls and one would be stillborn and the other would die after sixteen months in the hospital because she was dependent on a ventilator? I would have probably shit my pants.
If you told me that all of that would happen, and that I could still have friends with twins and friends with kids who overcame the NICU and friends with kids almost the exact age of my twins? I would have probably shit my pants.
I for sure was not as graceful when I was dealing with infertility, that smelly pirate hooker. I had a hard time with pregnant people and people who got pregnant easily and people who said the most ridiculous things like, "maybe if you just relax, you'll get pregnant!" And I am not exactly a nice person, either. I hold a mean grudge. I'm easily annoyed. I have no patience. So it was natural for me to be a big (youge!) bitch.
I don't know what it is. Maybe just that I'm a little older and slightly more mature (only slightly because poop fart penis = LOL ALWAYS). Maybe I feel like we did everything the best way we could and so I have peace with what happened. But I have no jealousy/what should have been type of feelings. I don't mind when people bitch about how hard it is to have twins because holy shit, man. I bet you it really is! I can see kids that were born around the time of my twins and appreciate their cute without being jealous that it isn't my kid. What happened doesn't make me resentful of other people and that, quite honestly, surprises me.
I feel bad sometimes, when people are talking to us about Ainsley and they bust out the classic, "I don't know how you do it...if my kid died, I wouldn't be able to go on..." I mean, you can do anything when you have no choice. And while I get the point in general - we've dealt with something really horrible that you can't fathom - it makes me wonder if people don't think that I am...upset enough? Or something. I don't know. I'm probably being paranoid.
Anyway. The point is that it isn't weird for me to be around families who, in whatever way, look the way that our family would have looked. It just isn't. I have no idea why or how but I am glad because I would be missing out on good friendships and cute kiddos.
And now I am going to sleep sitting up like the elephant man while holding Adelle. Her adorable ass has been crying all day for the past three days and she is going to the pediatrician tomorrow because I suspect ear infection. I can god damn guarantee she doesn't have one and it will be a waste of a copay but futility completes me. The end.