“When I’m alone in my room, Sometimes I stare at the wall and at the back of my mind I hear my conscious call, telling me I need a boy as sweet as a dove, for the first time in my life I see I need love. There I was giggling about the games that I had played with many hearts and I’m not sayin’ no names. Then the thought occurred, teardrops made my eyes burn as I said to myself when am I gonna learn ” Amanda Blank.
Well, Amanda, LL said it first but we get the idea.
Love, everyone has a feeling about it, a different definition and now we all have “love languages” that vary from person to person. Something that should be simple has gotten very complicated. But love isn’t complicated, is it?
I don’t think I really understood and felt unconditional love until I had my daughter. I was on my second marriage and had many relationships and “lovers”, but it wasn’t until my relationship with my daughter grew and I became a mother did I truly understand LOVE. People say there are different types of love….. right now I don’t feel that. Maybe its because I haven’t felt “romantic” love in over 13 years and I’ve forgotten how it feels? Or maybe because love is love and you can feel it from more than one person in more than one way.
Full disclosure I am currently watching Bachelor in paradise and just finished watching my very first season of the bachelorette so my mind might be tainted just a bit.
So here I stand, very single. I don’t spend any time curled up in the fetal position crying over lost loves and the thought of dating sounds fun. But I am also not putting myself out there…. really (Although, I did go on several online dating sites….for like a week).
The problem is is that I don’t have a problem with being single. It’s everyone around me that can’t stand it. As if I am a leper or heartless because I am not actively seeking someone to be “hanging out” with (which really means sleeping with). Truth be told, up until very recently, I haven’t had the time or energy that’s required to have a romantic relationship. When I am not working, I am chasing the affection and stalking my 15-year-old. But that is getting boring, and now she is carrying the burden of leaving me alone. I don’t want that for her. I never wanted to expose her to an unhealthy relationship, unfortunately, that turned out she was never exposed to ANY relationship. Funny thing is, that girl is fine, she has found love and has figured out how to be in a relationship all by herself. Guess she didn’t need me for that.
So now what do I do? Join every online dating site? No, that didn’t feel right to me. Go out every weekend searching for my soulmate? I feel like I did that in my 20’s… Truth be told, I believe in fate and that I will meet someone organically when I least expect it… Yes, I realize I am a dinosaur.
What if we just love ourselves and the lives we’ve built, then will love come? Or have we made it impossible to make room for something that requires everything? I do not have the answer to that but I will keep believing in fate. If I don’t then I am afraid of who I will become….. You know, that bitter bitch that can’t be happy for anyone else because she can’t love herself. And whats not to love? I’m fun, funny, and smart (not just my opinion by the way). I have a lot of love to give and yes would like to be loved in return…. Gonna throw it out in the universe… let’s see what comes back.
“Although I always reminisce, I can’t believe that I found a desire for true love floating around inside my soul. Because my soul is cold, one half deserves to be this way until I’m old, but the other half needs affection and joy and the warmth that is created by a girl and a boy….I need love”
Love ya A.K.