1-0. 0-0. 2-0. 1-0. 1-1. 1-0. 1-0. Here, this is in danger of turning into Italia 90 if we're not careful. Happily, here comes youthful Germany, swaggering onto the scene in tor-tastic mood. "This is the best German team I've played in," says captain Phillip Lahm, a mainstay of the 2006 semi-finalists and Euro 2008 finalists. "We have more players who will go on the attack," he adds, gesticulating wildly in the direction of wunderwinger Mesut Özil, World Cup star in the making. "We're young and hungry, not so typically German."
Australia, on the other hand, plan to batten down the hatches. "They are a superior side to us," admits captain Lucas Neill, pointing sheepishly at his defensive workmates Craig Moore, Scott Chipperfield and Luke Wilkshire. "They have earned that right and we still have to earn that."
Oh they've earned it, alright, this being the start of Germany's 17th World Cup finals campaign. They've only missed two tournaments, choosing not to play in the inaugural soiree in Uruguay, and being banned by Fifa from Brazil 1950 in the wake of Forties Ideological Conflict Event. In those 16 campaigns, they've failed to reach the quarter-final stage only once, unlocked in the first round at France '38 by Karl Rappan's Swiss Bolt. (And even then, the team was mostly made up of Austria's over-the-hill 1930s Wunderteam, in the wake of the Anchluss.) Germany have, of course, also won the thing three times. Germany are good at the World Cup.
Australia, by comparison, well, this is Australia's third finals. They didn't make a mark in 1974, losing to their German hosts 3-0, but were pretty entertaining in 2006: they registered their first win, beating Japan; gave eventual champions Italy a real run for their money in the second round; and were also involved in the best game of the tournament, this farce, which saw them battle against both Croatia and the intellect of Graham Poll.
Still, anything other than a German win would surely be an even greater shock than West Germany's 2-1 defeat by Algeria at Espana 82. Do Australia have anybody like Rabah Madjer or Lakhdar Belloumi? No.
Kick off: 7.30pm.
After it on ITV1: James Corden's World Cup Live. Christ. Jesus Christ. Who would have thought a genre called "sub-Lovejoy" could exist? ITV executives will be thanking that selfless dude at their HD channel who ran the adverts over Steven Gerrard's goal last night, as it deflected media attention from this particular car crash. Come back Christian O'Connell, Johnny Vaughan and David Baddiel, all is forgiven.
Miroslav Klose, who likes to rattle them in at the World Cup but is woefully out of form, keeps his place: Neuer, Lahm, Friedrich, Mertesacker, Badstuber, Schweinsteiger, Khedira, Muller, Ozil, Podolski, Klose.
Subs: Wiese, Jansen, Aogo, Tasci, Kiessling, Trochowski, Kroos, Cacau, Boateng, Marin, Gomez, Butt.
Richard Garcia leads the line. Hold on, Richard Garcia is the line: Schwarzer, Wilkshire, Moore, Neill, Chipperfield, Valeri, Grella, Emerton, Culina, Garcia, Cahill.
Subs: Federici, Beauchamp, Kennedy, Kewell, Holman, Jedinak, Rukavytsya, Milligan, Carney, Vidosic, Bresciano, Galekovic.
Referee: Marco Rodriguez (Mexico)
The stadium: Moses Mabhida, Durban.
The referee sweeps the very round ball off its proud plinth, and the two teams follow him out onto the pitch. Not long now. Germany are in their traditional white shirts and black shorts. Australia are in their away kit of blue. What's wrong with yellow? I hope it's to do with black-and-white television, because if it's not, and it's simply to hawk hit, I've got the radge on.
The national anthems: Both good lungbusting songs, but they appear to have been arranged by the ghost of Mantovani. Maybe that's unfair. Nelson Riddle. Some very smooth string arrangements. Very lush.
And we're off! Australia kick off and hoof it forward. There's a bout of head tennis on the edge of the German area. Eventually Cahill gets a lame toe to the ball, rolling it into the arms of Neuer. A positive start from what looks like a not-particularly-positive selection.
3 mins: But it's Australia who win the first corner, Emerton working hard down the right. Wilkshire swings it in, Cahill heads it towards the bottom left corner, the ball hits Neill's back, Garcia swivels and shoots, Lahm blocks and clears. What a start from Australia! That was shambolic defending by Germany, who let Cahill have the run of their box.
6 mins: Germany can't get hold of the ball yet. They've started very slowly indeed. Garcia is causing all manner of bother down the right, drifting in from the wing and back out again. Badstuber appears unhappy.
7 mins: Germany wake up. Klose bustles down the inside-right channel and into the box, slapping a shot against the chest of Schwarzer. Ozil gets onto the end of the rebound, but can't finish.
8 mins: GOAL!!! Germany 1-0 Australia. Muller is released down the inside-right channel. Once in the area, he cuts a low diagonal ball back towards the left-hand corner of the area, where Podolski races in to hammer high into the net. Germany have woken up alright.
11 mins: The Aussies come straight back at Germany, Cahill winning a corner down the left. Wilkshire swings the corner in towards the far post, but with the Aussie main man Cahill lurking, keeper Neuer comes out to punch clear.
13 mins: Ozil is booked for going down very easily under a nothing shoulder-to-shoulder challenge from Grella. A correct call, but seems a wee bit harsh to show yellow for that.
16 mins: It's nice and open, this. Germany are quite happy to let Australia pass it around, only pressing them when they cross the halfway line. When they get the ball themselves, there's no rush in getting forward. They are playing like a happy side. Isn't that nice? "You haven't complained about vuvuzelas yet," writes Tommer Spence. "What sort of poor excuse for a journalist are you?" Heh. Anybody complaining about the parp of a plastic saxophone wants their head looking at. Did Ornette Coleman have to put up with this sort of nonsense?
18 mins: Podolski dawdles down the left and zips a low cross into the six-yard box. There are three white shirts lurking, but Schwarzer is down quickly to claim.
19 mins: Emerton wheechs down the right and digs a cross to the far post, where Culina heads over under pressure from Lahm.
20 mins: And now Garcia cuts across the ball with the outside of his right boot, just to the right of goal on the edge of the German area. He can't keep his shot down, but a decent effort nonetheless. Australia are getting back into this. The few games we've had so far have been pretty poor, all told, but this one is shaping up nicely.
24 mins: MISS OF THE WORLD CUP SO FAR (NOT INCLUDING EMILE HESKEY). Podolski springs the offside trap down the left, and rolls a ball over to Klose in the centre. The currently hapless striker, all alone, can't miss, but does, scooping a shot wide and high. That's totally useless. Meanwhile Craig Moore gets involved in a frank exchange of views with the linesman and is booked.
26 mins: GOAL, OUT-OF-FORM, HAPLESS, ETC. Germany 2-0 Australia. What a cock-up by Schwarzer, who hares off his line after a deep Lahm centre from the right but doesn't get there, allowing Klose to make amends for that dreadful miss and head home.
29 mins: Germany look fantastic. Ozil, Podolski and Muller have all been electric. Klose now has 11 World Cup goals - five in 2002, five in 2006, and now one here - and only needs four more to have bested Gerd Muller in the all-time tournament chart. Miroslav Klose besting Gerd Muller, though.
31 mins: This should have been three. Ozil is released into the box down the inside-right channel. He tries a clever-clever dink over Schwarzer, but it's hacked clear by (I think, but don't put any money on this) Moore.
34 mins: Australia, so bright at the start, have sort of fallen apart a bit. Frustrated, chasing a loose ball, Grella crashes into Schweinsteiger - and half knacks himself. Oh Vince! He'll be OK in a while, by the looks of it. "So Peter Drury thinks Miroslav Klose's hero when growing up was Gerd Muller," notes Gary Naylor. "Wouldn't it have been Zbigniew Boniek?" God knows why folk are complaining about vuvuzelas with that eejit Drury honking in their lugs. The man's a menace. Health and Safety should be alerted.
37 mins: Muller, once again, sashays down the right. He wins a corner, from which nothing comes, but he's arguably been man of the half so far. No mean feat with Ozil, Lahm and Podolski fizzing around.
39 mins: Oh this is delicious. Ozil clips a wonderful pass down the right to release Lahm, whose first time cross to the near post is headed over by Khedira. They promised all-out attack, and they're delivering. Australia can't get to the ball at all.
41 mins: Podolski rolls a ball down the inside-left channel to release Ozil, who rounds the advancing Schwarzer - but can't convert, his touch to get past the keeper too heavy, the ball running out of play. This is picturebook football. "Surely not a coincedence that having been linked with a move to Arsenal, Mark Schwarzer drops a clanger," reports David Keith. "Don't worry though Arsenal fans, I hear Robert Green is up for sale this summer."
44 mins: Chasing a backpass down the inside right channel, Muller very nearly gets in between Moore and Schwarzer to steal off with the ball. The keeper gets there first. Just. "Ideological Conflict Event?" splutters Rich M Nind, apropos my pre-match nod to the reasons for Germany's absence at Brazil '50. "You're no Clive Tyldelsley, are you. How about 'that night in Stalingrad'?"
HALF TIME: Germany 2-0 Australia. That was sheer excellence from Germany, who have announced themselves as serious contenders for the title, so well have they played. "I know I'm English and therefore supposed to dislike the German team," begins Terri Westgate, "but they are so much more enjoyable to watch than our pathetic bunch." Preach on, sister, amen to that.
Change / no change: "I must be feeling quite unwell as I think that Germany are playing some of the most fluid and incisive football I've seen for a while," purrs Neil Mackie. "I don't expect this sort of attractive football. Efficient? Yes. but attractive? No. At least their progress to the later rounds of the World Cup will continue one stereotype/given fact." Meanwhile Ben Dunn adds: "Germany are playing sexy football, Brazil have two defensive midfielders and there is absolutely no singing to be heard in the stadiums. A World Cup of fascinating change. England, however, are beautifully immune and continue to be England. I love their predictable reliability."
Suggested audio replacement for any eejit still tediously banging on about the vuvuzelas:
Turn this up. And listen, there's no Peter Drury talking over it, either. Now, will you shut up and let the South Africans get on with it?
Right, we're off again. The attacking Holman replaces the defensive Grella in the Australian midfield. Germany kick off. Neill immediately picks up a yellow card for visualising Jamie Carragher on Miroslav Klose's back and sticking his knee in the small of it.
48 min: From a right-wing cross, Garcia plants a header at close range on the forearm of Mertesacker. The referee isn't having any of it. Australia swing in a couple of corners, but the German back line holds firm, Holman eventually clattering into Friedrich and conceding a free kick.
51 min: Holman has made an instant impression. He shifts feet, right to left, to edge past Friedrich just outside the German box, then skelps a low shot just wide right of goal. Neuer had it covered, but this is much better from Australia - who weren't poor in the first half, simply outplayed. "I'm personally enjoying the vuvuzela drone," says Martin Zatko, "partially because it's taking me back to 1992 and the early days of Britpop. I swear that Suede were using them on the first few bars of Animal Nitrate."
53 min: Silky play here. Lahm races down the right and pulls the ball back into the centre when he reaches the byline. Ozil steps over the pass, allowing it to run on for Muller, who leans back and curls a shot towards the top-left corner - but just over the bar.
55 min: Muller tries to recreate Lahm's ball for Klose for Germany's second goal. With the striker lurking, this time Schwarzer comes out and claims. Are Arsenal not interested any more?
56 min: THIS COULD BE AUSTRALIA'S WORLD CUP OVER - STRAIGHT RED CARD FOR TIM CAHILL! He slides in on Schweinsteiger from behind. It's a foul, a yellow card certainly, but a red? I'm not sure. He kind of scissors the German midfielder's legs, but that seemed more accidental as both men crumbled to the turf. This referee is a wee bit card happy if you ask me.
58 min: Valeri is booked for a nick on Muller. This is getting out of hand.
60 min: Khedira bumbles down the centre towards the box. The ball breaks to Klose, who smacks a shot straight at Schwarzer. The ball lands back at his feet, but instead of shooting the striker selflessly rolls the ball from the right towards Khedira, free in the centre. Moore bundles him over; that looked pretty clumsly to me, and should have been a penalty. This referee is now having an official shocker.
61 min: Podolski has a whack from distance. Schwarzer is all over it. "You can tell just by looking at him that the referee wouldn't let the night pass without some face time and now he has it," notes Gary Naylor.
64 min: Garcia is replaced by Rukavytsya.
66 min: Schweinsteiger, Podolski and Klose embark on a rat-a-tat one-touch jazz odyssey in the Australian box. It ends with Klose zipping a shot just wide left. More gorgeous stuff.
68 min: GOAL!!! Germany 3-0 Australia. Muller drops a shoulder on the edge of the Aussie D, sending the confused Neill the wrong way. The German strokes a shot towards the bottom-left corner, onto the post, and spinning into the net. A wonderful finish.
69 min: Klose is replaced by Cacau, who...
70 min: GOAL!!! Germany 4-0 Australia. ...immediately gets on the scoresheet, converting a low left-wing cross from Ozil with a crisp right-foot shot past Schwarzer. That was a lovely free-flowing move, Ozil having been released down the inside-left channel by Podolski. This is too easy. This lot are fantastic to watch. That took him 1 min 52 sec.
73 min: Ozil is replaced by Gomez, while Emerton goes off, Jedinak coming on in his stead.
76 min: Germany are first to everything, unsurprising given the scoreline and Cahill's preposterous red card.
80 min: Podolski, who started this rout, departs. Marin comes on.
82 min: In your face, Vuvuzela haters! The Durban crowd are going free jazz, a new repetitive high-pitched parp now overlaying the main drone. Heh heh.
85 min: Marin skates down the right and loops a ball to the near post for Gomez, who skies wide right. It's testimonial stuff now, this. "Gary Naylor has Nayl-ed it," puns Carlos Chiquete. "Marco Rodriguez is notorious in Mexico for being a strict absolutist who never shies away from the spotlight. Quick to draw out cards and excelling in pissing off everybody. He seems to revel in it really. He is certain to go into media after he's done with the whistle." Wait until Howard Webb hoves into view. Oh lordy.
88 min: Wilkshire swings in a free kick from the right. Chipperfield gets a head on it, but can't direct it anywhere near the net. If nothing else, Australia have never given up. They've just been done over by a brilliant display and a hopeless referee. "Germany as challengers for the cup on the basis of this performance is silly," argues Angus Chisholm. "Speaking as an Australian, Australia are really bad, even though Germany have been undeniably impressive. It's a bit like saying Spurs are title challenges based on one nine-goal thrashing of Wigan. I mean, sure Germany could win this tournament but you can't read too much into one game like this." Fair enough, but these dudes are attacking from all angles. There are loads of them! It's good old-fashioned knockabout stuff, a very early chapter of Inverting the Pyramid made flesh.
90 min: There will be three added minutes of this. "I bet most German fans didn't know it at the time, but Ballack's injury was probably the best thing that could have happened to this Germany squad," argues Dave Correia. "Ballack likes to think that he is the king of German football, but the reality is that he's well past is prime. This squad plays much more as a team without him." Maybe Kevin Prince Boateng will get that transfer to the Bundesliga yet.
FULL TIME: Germany 4-0 Australia. Cacau is booked by All-Singing All-Dancing Referee for diving. Five yellows and a red, and this hasn't been a dirty game at all. And that's it. What an impressive performance by Germany, against an admittedly ragged Australia. "Would you care to predict what this German side would do against England if we manage to finish second?" wonders Mark Taylor, aloud. It's what you were all thinking, though, wasn't it.