Here are six things that you can do (or not do) to support a bereaved mother.
1. Just let her cry
Crying can make some of us uncomfortable. People need to have friends who come around them and are okay with them crying. You can even cry with your grieving friend, but don’t make it about you when it really should be about them.
2. Don’t offer platitudes
Saying things like, “Now your baby has his wings” or “Good comes from all things” may make you feel better, but they don’t help a grieving mother. Please don’t say them. If necessary, just stay quiet and see point 1.
3. Say “I’m sorry”
If you want to say something, tell your friend that you’re sorry. Of course it’s not your fault, but I’m sure that you are sorry your friend has to go through perhaps the most challenging trial a woman has to face in her lifetime: losing a precious son or daughter.
4. Don’t ask for the details
Here’s another thing not to talk about: don’t ask about the way her child passed away. If she wants to talk about it, then listen. But don’t ask about it. As a culture, we have a sick fascination with the gory and the grizzly. It’s not healthy, helpful, or appropriate. We don’t need the gritty details about her child’s passing; it doesn’t help us to support her any better, and it’s certainly not necessary.
5. Spend time with her
A bereaved mother will never be the same. Never. She will eventually find a new normal, but she will be forever changed. Don’t shy away from that fact. And please; still spend time with her. It may be uncomfortable, but do it anyway. Hang out together, even if she is sad. Invite her to parties, even if she is quiet. But don’t be offended if she wants some time alone. Don’t take it personally, and keep inviting her over.
6. Remember her child
Most of these points apply to the situation where a mother has recently lost her child, but this one applies forever! Whether she miscarried last week, lost her adult child 5 years ago, or had a stillborn child 20 years ago, let your friend know that you remember her child. Put his birthday and passing day on your calendar and set it to repeat yearly. Remember her child’s name. Ask about him by name. Acknowledge her child and the impact his or her life had, no matter if it was the briefest of lives or a long, full life.
Most of all, show love and grace to a bereaved mother. She walks a lonely, difficult road!