“What happens to a dream deferred”? Langston never gave us the answer, but watching countless people who have lived and died not being able to pursue their own dreams leaves me with a few answers: they lay dormant in your head leaving you with your imagination as your greatest companion. They are tortuous in your youth making you feel as if you would rather not live if you were not able to pursue them; then they become a distant lover: familiar but not connected. We all have dreams. Not the sleeping dreams but the goals and desires that are ultimately our purpose; your reason for being.
I moved to Chicago in 2009 with the intention of pursuing my dreams. I left my humble beginnings to allow that person growing inside of me to come out. I wanted to be successful; I wanted to be cultured I wanted to be free. I, like many black girls was raised learning that survival was my ultimate goal. Living was a privilege, survival was a necessity; but my heart told me something different. My imagination was strong; it refused to succumb to the societal standards that lay before me. So I finished college, packed my bags and drove north refusing to look back. I was afraid but anxious.
Read: Invisible Chains: Unlearning My Mother's Wisdom
Living in new city brings out your flaws. I learned that I was fearful, of mostly everything that was not in my control. I knew no one in this city. What would they think of me? What if I’m not smart of enough, pretty enough? What if they see behind the makeup, dress and heels and think I’m an impostor? I couldn’t succumb to these thoughts, I had to go out, and I had to live. This was how I was going to succeed this was how I was going to make my goals a reality. “Put one foot in front of the other”; I’d tell myself.
I’ve learned that fear is a self-created emotion, but it comes from the experiences that one has had. I’d argue that fear, like love is a very strong emotion; it causes you to do (or not do) that which is against your inner intentions. Beyond this emotion called fear is what I imagine a freedom unimagined. But how do we go beyond? How do we me move when we are paralyzed? Yeah, I know the saying “just do it”, but it’s simply not that easy. Just “doing it” requires more than physical movement, it requires mental movement to, a sort of evolution. “You gotta want it more than you fear it”, I’ve heard. Tis is true. But, frankly I’m sick of the quotes, I need some hows. I’m on a journey to move past the fears and accomplish that which I’ve intended to do. I’ll document my hows to share with my sisters. After all, what’s the purpose of a journey if your not reaching back to pull others along?
Ivory is a 25 year old Black woman, Chicago resident, and dream chaser. She's a Health Educator by day and a woman trying to figure out and carve her path by night. Lover of Fashion. Believer in Humanity. She is writing her life; the past and future