Kimmy was so sweet during her whole journey...she was so upbeat and positive. She even told me, 'this is not how I'm going to go...we will be 95 and I will trip over our grandson's Tonka truck'...the odds were just stacked against her.
One of her doctors commented to me 'you know, this is the kind of case that makes you want to quit your profession and move out of town'. I went to see my Dr. tonight...thought it might be wise to get some blood work of my own done, just in case. He listened to my story with sympathy and, towards the end, his head began shaking and he told me, that from what he knows about adenocarcinoma, once it travels from the lung, it is a very deadly disease, spreading rapidly - further, once it begins to mess with the blood, like with Kim's blood clots, it has nearly run it's course. Trying to see the bright side, or the 'Kim side', I suppose it is a blessing that it went so quickly, as, my Dr. said that chemo rarely does more than postpone the inevitable. I can tell you, as quickly as I am down, Kim pulls me right back up - I just think back to her possibility thinking and turn things around.
But she was so positive...and it haunts me, did she know? I know she was adamant that she did not want the Drs. to let her know how much time she had, as if she were labeled with an expiration date, but still, I wonder...
Today, we took the bambini's to see the Legend of the Guardians, a movie about owls. Autumn is a huge owl fan. The kid's friends, Lexy and Breanna went along with us, as did Grammie and Grandpa Jim - the extra company keeps them distracted. They had fun, eating a ton of popcorn, candy, etc. As we littered the theatre, I had a Kim moment...and actually, for the first time ever, cleaned up the trash and put it in a trash can...one step at a time. Anyway, the kids played, ate some pasta, played some more, Tonio threw up (too much good time!), and then it was time to get ready for bed...tomorrow, I told them I'll teach them how to make pizzelles - Kim bought me a pizzelle iron nearly 25 years ago on 9th street in Philly and it still works great!
Well, it certainly hasn't gotten easier - Kim was such a huge part of our lives - the void is large, everything seems colder and the shadows deeper. During this, someone commented that going through a divorce is worse than losing a spouse...from where I stand - I would have rather had the divorce, because I know that Kim and I would have at least remained friends...and her children would still have their mother...and she would still be here, lighting up the lives of those around us...and I could go on and on, so much so, that I just felt sorry for the person who told me that!
Tonight, the moon had a beautiful, glowing ring around it and the stars poked out from behind the clouds. I couldn't seem to locate 'our' constellation, the Big Dipper...but, could feel Kim's calming presence in that beautiful night sky...
'Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier.'