How to I
begin to describe the feeling of wanting to run away from my entire life &
start again from scratch. I planned goodbye notes that I’d leave on the coffee
table for my fiancé,ways to withdraw money
from my accounts & places I’d go, I wouldn’t be found.
I knew from
the beginning that something wasn’t right.People told me
throughout my tumoltuous pregnancy that it’ll all be worth it when my baby is
born and that euphoric love sets in.
Following a traumatic labour,my baby boy was born.I immediately noticed my fiancé & my mum hugging with joyous tears & then realised I felt nothing but shock.How did my fiancé have such a
beaming smile when he looked at our son,but I felt nothing?This is not
how everyone told me it would be!
I knew something was really wrong when I started to resent his cries.The feeling
of needing to rush to his bassinet quickly disappeared and turned into anger
& frustration.I knew what I
was feeling wasn’t normal.I was exhausted but couldn’t sleep,I’d lay up at
night thinking about how horrible I am,what a terrible parent I am & that
my fiancé & my son would be better off without me.The guilt was the worst part,ohhh the guilt,it was all consuming.
I pretended I was fine to everybody.A few times people asked if I’m okay and quipped that
I’m not myself,I started to fear people were seeing through my façade.
I’d watch my fiancé talk to our son,nurture & care for him & I’d feel envy.Why can’t I be like
that?I am grateful he developed such a strong love & bond with our son so
instantly as he still felt the love,warmth & affection that I struggled to provide.
I'd save my tears for the shower
& I’d let it all out.I felt
safe in there; like the water would wash away my tears
& no one would be none the wiser.
you speak up if you experience any of this,especially
if you feel anger towards your newborn for no reason.I opened up to my fiancé & he pushed me to seek help.He researched it and told me over and over that I’m normal and can be fixed! I spoke with my GP,she
reassured me that it's so common and made me feel normal.I’m so grateful I caught it early,so many other mothers don’t.It took over a month,but I now feel that maternal love.I am so grateful to my fam,my friends & most of all,my fiancé.He picked up my slack,made life easy for me,has been incredibly patient & most of all,understood what I was going through & encouraged me to get better.Without
his patience,understanding & support,I have no idea where I’d be today.