HowTo:Survive A Nuclear Attack
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For those who have not heard of an atomic bomb, ask your grandparents, because I not explaining the atomic bomb. Let's just say it's a big explosion with radiation and heat, so it's a bad thing. And for the record, radiation DOESN'T make you have superpowers; stop reading comic books.
edit The Actual Advice
edit Calm Down
First of all, STOP RUNNING AND SCREAMING LIKE AN IDIOT!!! You need to calm the fuck down! Now that I got you calm down, take a look at the explosion. ...OH CRAP. IT'S COMING!!!! AAAHHHHH!!!!!
edit Warn the People
Make sure everyone knows the atomic bomb is coming by:
- Running around wearing a shirt that says "THE END IS NEAR!".
- Screaming at the sky.
- Calling 911 and saying atomic bombs are stalking you.
- Making air raid siren noises.
edit Take Shelter
You need shelter... BUY A BOMB SHELTER.
You can also go to the lowest floor and cover yourself with poisonous lead.
edit Not Home?
edit I'm Stuck
Go to the nearest gas station... wait, forget that.
edit I'm In The Shelter... Now What?
Remember to get some supplies, because you're gonna be in the shelter for weeks:
- Water, or beer, whatever makes you happy.
- Some cheetos, Hamburger Helper, and all food you have. You might need to carry the refrigerator to your shelter.
- Medicine, like your pot or crystal meth.
- A radio, so you can listen to the latest music.
- Television, computer, that heavy looking object by the window.
- Machine gun; you may encounter radioactive mutants and a couple of lawyers.
- Clothes for everyone. If you have babies, throw their diapers at those lawyers.
- Flashlight with AA batteries, in case the power goes out from the explosion, or from using too much power on the blender you have.
- Some books to read... or burn if you're cold.
edit In Case You Are Attacked
MY FAVORITE PART. You can do these things if you are attacked by zombies during the whole nuclear bomb thing:
- The machine gun, blast their heads off!
- Flamethrower, if the zombies aren't already on fire.
- Diapers; these stinky thing are great, and even better if set on fire.
- Attack dog; make sure the dog has rabies, because zombies like foamy dogs.
- Atomic bomb. I know you were trying to avoid being bombed, but, this will kill all life in the area.
- Summon Chuck Norris; you may be roundhouse kicked by him, though.
- Send bald eagles after them.
- Crap your pants; they don't eat pants-crappers.
- Find a stripper and throw her into the zombies. They might spare you.
- Run over them with a truck.
Now that the bomb is over, you can now go back to your pathetic life. Or being chased by men if you are a women.