I couldn’t wait till Friday. I started pre-packing Wednesday and by Thursday morning I said the hell with waiting one more night.
I grabbed only what I thought I would need, including my cat, whom is MUCH HAPPIER here then where I used to live. And so am I quite honestly.
That 4 days I spent at “home” really opened my eyes. It has given me a whole new appreciation for the new town that I am staying in, my boyfriend, his family, and this whole “new and improved me” journey that I am on.
As soon as I made the decision to get outta there I felt better. The more I packed into my van to bring back the better I felt. Once I realized what I wanted to do it was like a landslide. Inside of 4 hours I was ready to go.
I was back to my new home before 6pm. It felt so good. Better then I ever imagined. I still don’t know what the hell I was thinking. I am trying not to think about it but I can’t help myself. I don’t really know where I got the notion that going home would be fun. It was not and I don’t think I want to do that again.
I am dreading the lecture I am sure my mother will give me when I reveal that I am staying in my new home. But she needs to understand that I need to do what I need to do to find my way. I feel bad and sad that it did not work but what can you do? Stay there and be just as miserable as I remember being before? I can’t.
Being back in my old room reminded me too much of my past self. The sadness, the emptiness, the anxiety. I found it to be very triggering. I had to take an ativan to sleep the first night I was there. I could not take the lack of sunlight in that room either. It was very depressing. I found myself waking up at 10am thinking it was 5am instead of my usual 7-8am wake up time. I just could not do it. It is what it is.
I have spent my day cleaning and organizing and putting things away. Trying to get things back to the way they were (minus the crap I am keeping at my moms for now). I am trying to get rid of things I do not need or use. I have just entirely too much crap that I keep lugging back and forth. And that could quite possibly be a metaphor for my life right there. I need to stop lugging the shit back and forth. Enough is enough.
Today is a new day and this is a new chapter. I need to stop feeling so stupid for my actions and behaviour the last few weeks, accept it, and move on.