I’ve been in a tough season in life. Family is great, healthy & happy. Physically I am ending 2012 more than 30 lbs lighter than I started it. Financially God is providing for us as we give back & ‘render unto Caesar’. But I am hard-pressed… because I’m an idiot.
Don’t feel bad for me. The last 2 months have been a tragic discovery of all the things that I convince myself God won’t do in me, with me, or through me. But this tragedy is entirely self-inflicted. I have passionate support from my amazing wife. My folks & sister know me & still believe in me. Even my son, as his mind develops & his cognition builds, knows I’m not super-human, but when he watches me I see so much hope & joy. Former colleagues, current coworkers, friends, & people I’ve known for years have all been supportive.
But I beat me up.
I believe in the God that parted seas, raised the dead, & conquered His own bodily death, but I doubt that he’s appointed me, called me out. And discovering my faithless & untrusting spirit has been awful. It is an ugly side of me & my heart that I do not like.
But God hasn’t moved.
I have wiggled all over the place. And eventually, our family has landed beside a tremendous movement of God, through his church, asking if we’d all go all in. Not more or ‘above & beyond’, but a total sell out to God’s work & movement here. And we are working through that. It isn’t easy. We’re new. I have absolute certainty that God has called me into full-time ministry. And this has nothing to do with work. This is personal, voluntary, & committed beyond vocation.
And God speaks.
The last 4/5 days have been wonderful. I have prayed & felt peace. Sought out counsel & received it. Asked tough questions at home & had great talks with Grace. And in my personal study/prayer time, here is the verse that has captured my heart. Exodus 14:14 -‘The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.’
“The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.”
So I’m leaving me alone. I’ve backed off of the bullying, & I’m letting God fight for me… against me. I know who I am in Christ. I need to determine where He wants me to lead our family. And I will… in His time. He speaks. He leads. He loves me & my precious family more than I do. He has a great plan for us.
And I’m ‘All-In’ for whatever that may be.