I’m watching old grade-B has-been teevee actor David Hasselhoff tryin’ for an Academy Award with his daughter doing the camera work, crawling around on the floor topless, acting like he's struggling to stand up, mumbling as he does, then, out of nowhere, this talentless bum begins trying to pick up and eat a hamburger that’s suddenly there on the floor by him, a pretty good looking hamburger it is, too. The hamburger got me to thinking through my laughter—I saw it as a cartoon event—now, let’s see, that hamburger just suddenly happens to be on the floor where the Bay Watch vet’s crawling as though slimey drunk on his ass. I got to thinking: did the daughter make the hamburger? did she order it? did David make it? or did he order it?
“Hell-uhh-uhh-uhh-o, I’m teevee’s Day-eh-er-ah-ehhh-‘scuse me while I throw up…URRRRRRRP! AWWWRRGGG. Anyway, I’m teevee’s uhhhgg, Day-vid Ha-hasss-elhawk, and God-damn I’m drunk…I’m ree-god-damn-dick-u-lus drunk…” By now I’m laughing my ass off. And the daughter keeps shootin’ old dad on the floor and suddenly I’m going, wait a damn minute, this talentless fool is doing a screen test; he’s shooting for a Shakespeare Festival maybe—or how about a remake of the Lost Weekend. Hey, the new Ray Milland will be David Hasselhoff. How ‘bout can we have a part in this remake for Paris Hilton—she could shoot it in her jail cell. I’d like to direct that one.
So, all I’m sayin’ is, I wouldn’t put it past this creepy has-been actor/singer/hunk—besides, I thought everybody on Bay Watch were all high on something making that crappy show. Don’t you think Pam Anderson does coke a lot? I mean come on, don’t you think Tommy Lee has coke in his house? How ‘bout pot? You think you could find a joint in Pam’s bedroom were you privileged to get in there and do her some night when you out on the town with the Hilton Sisters? “Hey, Pam, you got any pot?” “Oh, no, I signed a pledge of cleanness when I joined Jerry Falwell’s Church of the Holy Pig Jowls—I know because it was right before Tommy and I shot our comeback sex video. I would advise, David…er-ah, did I ever do David? maybe once when I was high off my ass…but anyway, I would advise David to make a sex video—I mean his daughter’s quite a little camera girl—I love the way she used the lighting to make her dad look drunker…sloshy drunk…I know, I’ve been there a hell of a lot’a times—eating whatever I could find on the floor, too, though I never came across that good looking’a hamburger in my drunken floor crawlings.”
Ah, just another day out in La La Land. Gaggles of look-alikes trying to butt their ways into fame and fortune—the absolutely good life, where you can get drunk on your ass and have your daughter film you drunk and the Hollywood society starts praising him for being so bold a man to admit his alcoholism, blah, blah, blah.
Hey, bad acting’s bad acting. I figure most actors are high on something while they’re filming. I know Judy Garland and Marilyn Monroe were pilled up on all their films. Even the Holy Brando was probably smokin’ something or shootin’ heroine even maybe. Come on, folks, Hollywood’s based on hallucinations.
What a life, but you do still have to pay for it—cancer’s gonna get most of the men; the women live long lives but lonely and isolated…. But don’t listen to me, I’m just jealous.
for The Daily Growler
I submit David Hasselhoff is the AntiChrist
And I have the proof
How can one explain the phenomenal global success of one of this country's least talented individuals? There are only three ways.
- Mr. Hasselhoff actually is talented, but this goes unnoticed in his own country.
- Mr. Hasselhoff has sold his soul to Satan in return for global success.
- David Hasselhoff is the AntiChrist.