[speaker001:] [Beep] We're to discuss a little bit about the process of putting someone in a nursing home and making the decision on a family basis and, [breathing] probably the first question would be whether you've ever had to go through that process.
[speaker002:] Well, not so much personally but my, um, husband has an aunt who has been like a second mother, I mean always lived in the same town and took care of him and such. They live down in College Station where,
[speaker001:] [Noise].
[speaker002:] his parents do too. And they put her in a home last year.
[speaker001:] Uh-huh.
[speaker002:] She appeared to have a couple of light strokes and started to, uh, not be able to be in her apartment on her own.
[speaker001:] Uh-huh.
[speaker002:] So they found a, a place nearby that they put her in last year.
[speaker001:] So it was pretty much a physical decision?
[speaker002:] Uh, yeah, although she is, uh, in pretty good health and she's, doesn't take any medication, it's just she had had her own apartment and drove a car and everything up until that point.
[speaker001:] Um.
[speaker002:] Then she was starting to get, uh, you know, lose memory sometimes and, which is kind of frightening when she's in the car.
[speaker001:] Yeah.
[speaker002:] Uh,
[speaker001:] My husband's family are reaching that point but it's, it's so difficult. Was she in favor of it or, or was she kind of opposed to it?
[speaker002:] Well, yeah, when it finally came down to it, um, she just got to the point after the, I mean, it wasn't a very, um, strong stroke. It was just kind of all of a sudden she wasn't herself anymore.
[speaker001:] Uh-huh.
[speaker002:] And she got kind of fearful of being on her own. She never really ate very well. It was one thing. She hardly
[speaker001:] Yeah.
[speaker002:] ever took care of herself and she didn't eat. She ate very poor so I think she was, you know, bad, uh, nutrition on top of it. And, uh, she got to the point she didn't want to alone anymore. So,
[speaker001:] So often I think though, elderly people don't realize that their diet is that bad. I work with a lot of elderly people, I'm a trust officer
[speaker002:] Um.
[speaker001:] and so often they think they're adequately caring for themselves when they're really not eating very much or very balanced meals.
[speaker002:] Well, she was almost ridiculous. Like she'd eat ice cream and cookies. She'd,
[speaker001:] Yes. Well you know that's part of the aging process,
[speaker002:] Didn't one,
[speaker001:] That your taste buds goes back to the sweet taste.
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER].
[speaker001:] It really is.
[speaker002:] Oh really?
[speaker001:] Yeah. Uh-huh.
[speaker002:] Well she didn't want to cook for herself anymore.
[speaker001:] Yeah.
[speaker002:] Oh, that's too much trouble. That's too much trouble. Didn't want to cook.
[speaker001:] And the portions, people don't want to try to figure out little bitty individual meals. I do that right now, [LAUGHTER]
[speaker002:] Yeah.
[speaker001:] and I'm not near nursing home age.
[speaker002:] Although they've got, uh, Meals On Wheels,
[speaker001:] Yeah.
[speaker002:] Which I understand is a really good, you know, way to handle that so that at least they eat.
[speaker001:] Uh-huh. So as a family you all just visited nursing homes or probably in College Station there wasn't a whole lot of choice.
[speaker002:] No, I don't think there was. Um, I know a little bit more from a, a co-worker. Her mother-in-law had been in for quite some time and had different degrees of a place that she was in.
[speaker001:] Uh-huh.
[speaker002:] Um, she was ambulatory and so there was a lesser care. Uh, then she got, uh, uh, hip broken and then, uh, she wasn't as ambulatory so they
[speaker001:] Uh-huh.
[speaker002:] were almost, you know, to the point of saying she can't be here anymore. But, I remember from her checking around, she ended up staying at the Arkansas House I think out in Arlington, something like that.
[speaker001:] Uh-huh.
[speaker002:] And, uh, [sigh] you know the type of facilities whether it's a shared room or two separate rooms that share uh, a, uh, bathroom. All of them all seem to say that people there are going to steal their items [LAUGHTER].
[speaker001:] Oh yeah. That's a given.
[speaker002:] They're always saying that somebody's going to, and some of them, I think unconsciously do it, you know,
[speaker001:] Uh-huh.
[speaker002:] as a just, you know, half seni-,
[speaker001:] And sometimes the, the help there does it, I think.
[speaker002:] Uh [lipsmack]. So, they, they, uh, don't have too many facilities it seems for their personal items.
[speaker001:] Uh-huh.
[speaker002:] Very limited space waste but, um, at least they all seem to have, uh, you know, people that monitor their, uh, medication intake and dining facilities, you know, go to the dining room
[speaker001:] Uh-huh.
[speaker002:] and, and eat some good meals. I know when my friend's mother-in-law first went in, I mean, very antisocial. Maybe it takes a while for them to say, okay, well I'll be with other people but,
[speaker001:] Adapt.
[speaker002:] Yeah, I don't understand
[speaker001:] Yeah.
[speaker002:] that, they, they don't want to be with anybody else.
[speaker001:] I, as I think I mentioned, I was in the trust business and I've seen so many elderly people. Usually there has to be some wealth involved, which is great, if, if you're financially, if, if you don't make the decisions so late that you're worried about money but
[speaker002:] Uh-huh.
[speaker001:] the, the places like Presbyterian Village and some of the, the retirement places where, where they have different levels of care seems to be so much better, as far as elderly people adapting. They're able to move in while they're still independent
[speaker002:] Uh-huh.
[speaker001:] and still social and, and they do group things. And then if health or, or mental capacity deteriorates, they're able to [talking] take the next steps without so much change and oh, I wish everybody could go that direction rather than just all of a sudden moving out of the home they've always been in. It's really kind of difficult.
[speaker002:] Yeah, I have a, um, my aunt's mother [lipsmack] is, uh, gotten ill recently and, uh, she lives in Pennsylvania, they live in Alabama. And they're saying, hey, we need you to be closer and
[speaker001:] Yeah.
[speaker002:] you have, women like that, I don't to men, it seems like the women out just out live their husbands, but, very reluctantly, that
[speaker001:] Uh-huh.
[speaker002:] whole, I mean they don't get out of the house, they don't socialize but it's my home and I don't want to leave it.
[speaker001:] Well and it's the first step in, in actually accepting that you are failing and, and aging.
[speaker002:] Uh.
[speaker001:] You know once you make that step you know that it's just going to be downhill from then on and, and I've seen people really fight it that desperately needed
[speaker002:] Um.
[speaker001:] to make the change. They, they became, in fact, that's probably what's going to happen with my husband's mother. She's going to endanger herself before she'll willingly and probably will never willingly make the decision. And that scares me the, the thought of forcing [talking] somebody to do something.
[speaker002:] But it's, it's so lonely, you know they can't get out and see anyone and
[speaker001:] Yeah.
[speaker002:] I mean, it's hard for, for someone like me to understand that because I th-, I think, what do you have there? It's a house,
[speaker001:] Uh-huh.
[speaker002:] it's walls and it's furniture but
[speaker001:] Not as independence.
[speaker002:] there's nobody there. Don't you want to be close to me? [LAUGHTER].
[speaker001:] [LAUGHTER].
[speaker002:] I mean, you know
[speaker001:] Yeah.
[speaker002:] be with other people. I just don't understand why they, so much want to just stay in
[speaker001:] Uh-huh.
[speaker002:] that building.
[speaker001:] Uh-huh.
[speaker002:] And there's no family there, they don't get to see their grandkids, they don't get to see their children, they just there in that house.
[speaker001:] Yeah. And the quality of life really isn't there.
[speaker002:] Yeah.
[speaker001:] [Lipsmack] Oh it's tough, it really is.
[speaker002:] That's from the child's standpoint. The child is going, why don't you want to be close to me and your other family.
[speaker001:] Uh-huh.
[speaker002:] What does that house got attraction?
[speaker001:] Well, they fear being dependent
[speaker002:] I know they're really proud of independence.
[speaker001:] on somebody. They, they fear being a burden
[speaker002:] Uh.
[speaker001:] to, to family members. My husband's mother will have major surgery and we'll find out about it in a casual conversation.
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER].
[speaker001:] She'll let something slip and we'll [LAUGHTER] say, wait a minute. And, and that's it, she, just, well I didn't want to bother you. She can't accept that we want to be the care givers.
[speaker002:] Well, when she got home, who took care of her?
[speaker001:] Yeah. Well, she stayed, she stayed in a temporary nursing home.
[speaker002:] Oh.
[speaker001:] Until she was okay. You know, it's just, but it's frightening to us because we live pretty far from her. She's down in Temple
[speaker002:] Uh-huh.
[speaker001:] and we can't see her often enough to really know what's going on.
[speaker002:] Um [lipsmack].
[speaker001:] [Lipsmack] So, it's difficult, it really is and we're all heading that way and,
[speaker002:] Yeah, my,
[speaker001:] [Lipsmack].
[speaker002:] husband and I, we have been thinking about his folks are in College Station and we've pretty much planned that we'll be here in the Dallas area and
[speaker001:] Uh-huh.
[speaker002:] there's nothing to hold them there in College Station since they're retired. So we thought maybe we could get them to move a little closer here.
[speaker001:] Yeah [Voices fade].