[speaker002:] well we're just starting a family through adoption so I don't really have a lot of um concrete um opinions just what I know out of my peer group uh has gone through and none of it's been good
[speaker001:] oh really
[speaker002:] yeah uh the ones that can afford to have live in nannies they seem to be having an okay time
[speaker001:] huh uh-huh
[speaker002:] uh but a lot of the other ones that have are professional um I'd say fifty percent of you know my peers that I'm in my circle of friends have tried it and then stopped working until they're you know going to get their children in kindergarten or first grade
[speaker001:] um-hum
[speaker002:] uh but I there must be some good service out there if you really look and pay for it
[speaker001:] right what what age child are you thinking in in terms of
[speaker002:] in terms of what they're talking about
[speaker001:] no for for yourselves
[speaker002:] oh infant um
[speaker001:] oh okay so you're starting from the baseline from the baseline
[speaker002:] infant yeah after eleven years of marriage yeah we are we're actually it's happening now so we're just going through the process
[speaker001:] I see
[speaker002:] so and and actually the question is uh very appropriate because I'm not sure whether um how strong the maternal instinct's going to be they tell me it's going to be strong do you have children
[speaker001:] right I have one son
[speaker002:] and did you put him in day care or is he older now or younger or
[speaker001:] well he's now he's now eighteen and in in you know has completed a couple of years of university
[speaker002:] sure so he's out of day care
[speaker001:] I right and and so that but I was working full-time uh when he was born but I was very lucky because I was a a college professor
[speaker002:] you uh-huh oh
[speaker001:] and so I was able to you know and I it was walking distance from my from my apartment so I went up there and I sort of left him with with a neighbor
[speaker002:] flex yeah um-hum
[speaker001:] and I left him in a carry cot when he was very little and I said you know he doesn't need anything except you know look look at him if he cries but you know don't pick him up and and this sort of stuff because I was gone only an hour at a stretch or an hour and a half
[speaker002:] yeah oh that's wonderful
[speaker001:] and I was able to you know get his his schedule just uh cooperated and
[speaker002:] right that's wonderful yeah and and I guess um that uh because of your um your uh profession I mean I um I'm in corporate communications but I've done freelance writing in the past
[speaker001:] yeah uh-huh
[speaker002:] so what we're hoping is that um I mean my husband thinks I can do it I've just never worked out of a domestic base you know I've always been in a corporate uh environment
[speaker001:] um-hum
[speaker002:] um but I'm hoping that possibly I can do something where I can go flextime or part-time or if they don't have that um my boss I'm very lucky though again too my boss is very akin to family building so I think that's something that something that couples need in going into this
[speaker001:] um-hum right
[speaker002:] um I don't know I do think there's good day care out there what part of the country are you in
[speaker001:] I'm in Maryland but but I was out of the country when um my my son was little but but the thing is if you have this flextime and that you might be able to do something similar to what I did which is
[speaker002:] you're in Maryland right that's what I'm hoping
[speaker001:] you know be there short times and then later on when he was you know I mean this we're talking about uh I went back to work and or taught some some classes like a week after he was born
[speaker002:] um-hum oh my goodness you were fortunate yeah
[speaker001:] and so yeah and so that's when I was saying you know don't don't pick him up and stuff but then later what I did was I brought a woman into the house
[speaker002:] yeah um-hum sure
[speaker001:] and she was she was supposed to help me a little bit with cooking and doing the baby's laundry and this sort of stuff
[speaker002:] uh-huh
[speaker001:] and then I also came home and sort of was was able to see from a distance what she was doing and you know in a sense she she carried him around a lot too much uh you know for for my taste it was constantly no I don't want him to explore anything he might
[speaker002:] uh-huh uh-huh right
[speaker001:] uh he might hurt himself
[speaker002:] so do you think that I mean do you think that that was in a way though good objectivity good objectivity that now that's doesn't really that's not a correct English but um you know in a sense you see what I'm saying though from a mother's standpoint I mean in a way it it was quote unquote good objectivity objectivity
[speaker001:] I think it worked out very well a very well because what he learned to do by the time he was
[speaker002:] um-hum
[speaker001:] two or so he would sit next to the desk where I was grading papers or writing lesson plans and he had asked for a paper and you know sort of scribble and then he realized that there were quiet times and there were active times
[speaker002:] see um-hum yeah right and then he learned he he also learned that um there were times that you had to be gone so you probably minimized well we're actually um we're getting ready I mean you're far enough away now I can tell you this just locally I make sure we're going to Romania in a few weeks
[speaker001:] oh
[speaker002:] and that's um just
[speaker001:] did you say Romania or Armenia
[speaker002:] Romania Romania
[speaker001:] oh okay yeah yeah
[speaker002:] as in like what 2020 and um but we we're real excited because we've just developed a contact
[speaker001:] oh good
[speaker002:] through professional people and it's private and it's hospital it's we're just very excited um
[speaker001:] oh great
[speaker002:] and well it it what's the word I'm looking for when you deal with issues like that um in terms of family building through adoption um and then you have people responding to you well if you go through that why would you put them in day care
[speaker001:] oh that's silly
[speaker002:] um issues are being raised prematurely in my mind but I guess they're not because it's something I'll have to deal with sooner than later um and I what I've learned to do is just tune out everybody's opinion I feel that if the child's healthy um you know as long as we make it feel secure I'd love to do something like with what you did
[speaker001:] um-hum
[speaker002:] um I don't think I could be a dumper where I could take it from you know eight in the morning till nine at night or six at night and leave it there
[speaker001:] right right
[speaker002:] uh maybe after two or three or years old I don't know um
[speaker001:] oh I in my opinion it's even then I mean uh kids need you
[speaker002:] but yeah I just well they need a schedule I think I don't think the United States what country were you um in Europe when you were uh uh
[speaker001:] no I was in the Middle East
[speaker002:] um oh that's sort of well that's the same thing I mean I don't know how they are there but uh in eastern Europe my stepfather's from England it just seems the United States does not provide for either child care or geriatrics or elder care as I call it
[speaker001:] right right
[speaker002:] um and we're just not set up for that um with the
[speaker001:] I yeah
[speaker002:] go ahead
[speaker001:] no I was just going to say I guess uh my sensitivities are are much more with the you know to be at home because actually I had my grandmother with me fro m the time she was from the time she was ninety two until she died at ninety seven
[speaker002:] um-hum see I think that's wonderful
[speaker001:] and I mean that was recently after my son son was going off and I mean yes in a sense I went to work and she was at home alone some of the time but but still you know it was much better than being shipped
[speaker002:] uh-huh to a
[speaker001:] to a day care center
[speaker002:] right
[speaker001:] you know which is much my feelings on kids and the elderly I think we're too we're too too much towards it's somebody else's problem you know I want to work shove them in in some school for twelve hours a day
[speaker002:] we cast off right right that I'm that way yeah right it's easier and I agree with that that's why I you you know what is amazing to me is now your son is already grown but you can probably empathize with this
[speaker001:] yeah
[speaker002:] it's amazing to me how forthcoming people are with their opinions and thoughts
[speaker001:] right right
[speaker002:] in terms of what to do um and I just don't think there is a day a good day care system um my company I'm particularly fortunate that they have they're in tune with that but I've been at companies where um you know the decision the the trend is or the definite mood is well we made conscious decisions not to have children
[speaker001:] and that's sad
[speaker002:] you know and in and a couple like us building through adoption there it's almost radical to some people
[speaker001:] right
[speaker002:] and what you just learn to do is tune everybody else out and um and I respect there are some women that I know that are divorced or on their own or in single parenting and men that they you know they may have the need for child care like that
[speaker001:] um-hum
[speaker002:] but I agree with you that it's just I call it dumping I mean I
[speaker001:] yeah no I I think that certainly there is a role uh for this type of help and and as long as one can can supervise it and and you know make it work
[speaker002:] um-hum
[speaker001:] into into one's own schedule without it seeming like dumping or or uh giving it you know the whole job to somebody else to take care of
[speaker002:] um-hum then yeah it's are it's in tandem then
[speaker001:] and yeah yeah
[speaker002:] I just um and there are trade-offs too I think one of the things that is a problem is that um in terms of compensation to some of the child care providers
[speaker001:] um-hum
[speaker002:] um it's just you know it's so low but yet the overall cost for somebody doing it on a daily or even a weekly basis it's prohibitive and some people that are not making more than twenty thousand a year
[speaker001:] yeah
[speaker002:] um
[speaker001:] actually there seems to be an alternative in my neighborhood is there seem there are several uh uh mothers mothers who stay home
[speaker002:] really um-hum
[speaker001:] and they take you know it's probably not completely legal uh I maybe it's legal up to one or two additional kids
[speaker002:] sure
[speaker001:] but and they they take care of another child and I I can actually name could name five or six people around my neighborhood that really do a good job on this
[speaker002:] uh-huh and they yeah
[speaker001:] and I mean that's another possibility and you know you might want to stay home one year and some other lady might want to stay home for a a few years and
[speaker002:] I haven't thought about that yeah and actually my neighbor has an eighteen month old and she's an at home part-time paralegal so I'm thinking hm and we get along fantastically so I'm thinking you know and that's the way you have to um how was I'm just real curious how was the Middle East in terms of that with children
[speaker001:] yeah yeah
[speaker002:] is that is child care or that type of idea completely foreign to them
[speaker001:] no well actually there was a day care center um where my son did go for a year I think from when he was two to three
[speaker002:] um-hum
[speaker001:] but then he actually started kindergarten at age three
[speaker002:] um-hum
[speaker001:] and so and it you know it wasn't like pre kindergarten it was real kindergarten
[speaker002:] oh really he must be smart yeah
[speaker001:] yeah so he was he was ready to to go to school at that point
[speaker002:] um-hum
[speaker001:] but yeah they're they do have such facilities but for the most part uh the with the extended family you know you can usually find somebody which is much like our neighbor you know to sharing responsibility and I'm and also there aren't that many women who who do who work
[speaker002:] uh-huh the professional yeah I was wondering about that um there I'm in Dallas and there was just a very big um series about Moslem women and
[speaker001:] yeah um-hum
[speaker002:] there were enlightening things that broke some of my stereotypical thoughts I'm digressing here but uh I was just real curious when you said Middle East if you didn't mind me asking
[speaker001:] yeah no no and I didn't mean Israel so you you assumed right
[speaker002:] oh no that's okay well even if you did that's okay actually I think
[speaker001:] well no because at first thought uh when I said uh you know I said that not many people work I'm I'm thinking oh well she's going to you know because certainly in Israel the women do work
[speaker002:] right right they fight they work