[Craig:] Is your Mum coming up today?
[speaker002:] It's okay. You've got light out in the back of your car.
[Craig:] Who?
[speaker002:] So you can only put your headlights on, get little lights at the back.
[Craig:] Yeah.
[speaker002:] I think it's the passenger side one what's gone.
[Craig:] Oh what, what brake lights?
[speaker002:] No... the actual driving light at the back.
[Craig:] Cos I like, I've got a faulty one, the police... went and stopped us one.
[Claire:] Went and pulled her over... for it.
[speaker002:] Alright. I'll get it done
[Craig:] But it does work.
[speaker002:] for you. Yeah, no... you know the... was it Thursday
[Craig:] Last
[speaker002:] when I went up? Well last week whenever it was. Last Sunday when I followed you
[Craig:] Yeah.
[speaker002:] he said that... erm, I saw that
[Claire:] Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't
[Craig:] Yeah.
[Claire:] It's really weird.
[Craig:] I got like
[Claire:] No, we, we just for a light. You know your hand... it was last night
[speaker002:] No.
[Claire:] Right well.
[Craig:] They were up here last night.
[speaker002:] Yeah I went with them.
[Craig:] Oh, wasn't it his erm... where his aunty got married? Someone's dad. This bloke... cos they were up here last night being really rowdy.
[Frank:] Mm mm!
[Craig:] Cos he co
[Frank:] I can box.
[Craig:] Yeah. Cos yo, the one in the tie was a right wanker!
[Frank:] Oh yes. Yeah he was holding loads of glasses.
[Craig:] It was his Dad who got married.
[Frank:] Ah?
[Craig:] It was his Dad who got married.
[Frank:] He was an obnoxious git!
[Craig:] It was [mimicking] Oh! Come over here.
[Claire:] [LAUGHTER]
[Craig:] [LAUGHTER]... [mimicking] Can we really []?
[Paul:] I think that's right. [LAUGHTER]
[Craig:] What?
[Paul:] I put, I put the cake there anyway.
[Craig:] No but he was erm
[Frank:] Jo's
[Craig:] He kept whistling at all the girls, going shut up! You've already been told once. He's gonna come over in a minute and get him! He goes
[Claire:] Oh!
[Craig:] you know, telling him, he was stubbing all the cigarettes out, drinking all the drinks on the table. He was a right yobbo!
[Claire:] Sorry.
[Craig:] [LAUGHTER]... Beg your pardon.
[speaker002:] You could have said that a bit louder. [LAUGHTER]
[Craig:] I think I might. [LAUGHTER]
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER]
[Craig:] Do you mind jumping in the back?
[Frank:] No it's alright.
[Craig:] I was imagining you sitting in the back anyway.... In the back.
[Claire:] I had a wicked boogie last night!
[Craig:] Where d'ya go?
[Claire:] Ha. I went to this... some of the football er A G M of Phil's
[Craig:] [LAUGHTER]
[Claire:] It was, they had a disco up this... at the Down Town Diner in Ashford.
[Craig:] Oh I know.
[Claire:] We went with this... that banger.
[Craig:] No it's dropped. It looks a bit black out there I think.
[Claire:] Looks like it's going to rain.
[speaker002:] It is. Looks black out there.
[Claire:] Great!
[Craig:] Well I mean
[Paul:] And make a bit less smaller to screw.
[Claire:] A barbecue in the rain.
[Paul:] Yeah.
[Craig:] You can probably, I say, you can hold the umbrella over me and I'll cook. [LAUGHTER]
[Frank:] Yeah well we'll be serving with the door open with it.
[speaker002:] Yeah.
[Craig:] My feet ache. Well I can't cook cos I've got
[speaker002:] Well my feet ache as well. I, my legs as well.
[Craig:] Twenty past twelve we finished last night.
[speaker002:] That's what I heard.
[Claire:] Yeah.
[Craig:] I got back right, and... my friend's children
[speaker002:] I'm glad I never wear
[Claire:] Did you come up here last night like?
[Craig:] You still didn't clear that tablecloth with all, I mean you didn't like did you? No. We didn't even finish the last table.
[speaker006:] We didn't come up here till about ten.
[Craig:] There was loads of washing up in here still to do last night you just had to leave it. And we just had to leave it.
[Claire:] We could
[Craig:] Who was up here? Was anyone up here?
[Claire:] Did they tell you about that nanny I was?
[Craig:] Yeah, came up at ten o'clock.
[Frank:] He only came up here cos they were closing.
[Craig:] Well he might be.
[Claire:] No just that
[Craig:] Well Danny sent them back cos they dirty.
[Claire:] Were they? Yes. They were disgusting! I washed them up.
[Craig:] Was there anyone up here last night?
[Claire:] They were, they were hu, they're alright now.
[speaker006:] Oh they're alright. I had a damn good clear up here.
[Claire:] With Damian? Yes.
[Craig:] Ha! I'll love it if he's here today.
[Claire:] Today.
[Craig:] Ah little Damian! Matthew.
[Claire:] Matthew.
[speaker006:] Tarquin.
[Craig:] [LAUGHTER]
[Claire:] Why d'ya say Damian?
[Craig:] Cos he's evil. He looks like, you know, have you seen it Yeah. Have you seen it erm
[Claire:] Hello!
[speaker006:] What is wrong with you two? You're so dumb!
[Craig:] I hate him. Your Mum loves him. [LAUGHTER]
[Claire:] Come and give Aunty Barbara a big cuddle!
[Craig:] He gets on your nerves though.
[speaker006:] Oh that little one
[Craig:] No!
[speaker006:] that was there today? He was cute!
[Claire:] What? Yeah.
[Craig:] [singing] Doo doo, doo doo [].
[speaker006:] [LAUGHTER] [].
[Paul:] Ah you're joking!
[speaker006:] [LAUGHTER]... Want two or three?
[Paul:] Well I did.
[Craig:] What happened?
[Paul:] She's meant go to the bun shop. But ah ah!
[Craig:] [LAUGHTER]
[Paul:] Ah man's gonna starve
[Craig:] Are you going down there?
[Claire:] Go upstairs and get some
[speaker006:] Me.
[Craig:] I'll walk down there with you.
[speaker002:] I mean... buns.
[Paul:] I dunno where the bun shop is.
[Craig:] The bun shop. I know where it is.
[Claire:] Where?
[Paul:] Do you wanna take my
[Craig:] Just down there.
[Paul:] car Craig. [LAUGHTER]
[Craig:] Yeah I'll take your car.
[Paul:] Well you know what I'm so hungry!
[Claire:] Ah yeah, we'll leave it and we all just, we miss it out.
[Craig:] [tut]. And no one 's going there? It's alright I'm not hungry.
[Claire:] No, Claire was going but she had, didn't have time on the way back
[Craig:] Mm.
[Claire:] Cor I really ache!
[speaker002:] Get a quarter pounder... large fries
[Craig:] Ah!
[speaker002:] I don't like any burgers in there but I love it!
[Claire:] Yeah, get MacDonalds.
[Craig:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker002:] I was being bossy last night just couldn't hack it. What d'ya think?
[Claire:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker002:] What?
[Claire:] Yeah well Matthew's alright. He's not like
[Craig:] Thomas ain't in a good mood is he? Tom ain't in a [LAUGHTER] good mood [].
[Claire:] Why?
[Craig:] [LAUGHTER] Dunno [].
[Claire:] He was alright with me.
[Craig:] He goes Right, you finished where's your those nearly?
[Claire:] Yeah, they've bought us them out and they were dirty a minute ago so I'm putting them back.
[Craig:] I went to him... alright Tom? He goes, shut up! [LAUGHTER]
[Claire:] Do you want us to put them back in now the customers have started rolling in?
[Craig:] Pardon?
[Claire:] Do you want us to put them back in? Are there customers yet?
[Craig:] Ah so you've nearly finished those lot?
[Claire:] You look tired.
[speaker002:] I feel it. I had about... Friday night I finished work here at twelve and then up again at... and I got about two hours sleep then and I started to.
[Claire:] I worked till to, last night in the end.
[speaker002:] Did you?
[Claire:] Cos I said to, I said I know Sally can't work, I said... but she wasn't supposed to be working anyway. But I thought you were asked to. Yeah, no, I was supposed
[speaker002:] That's right.
[Claire:] to do every other
[Craig:] Yeah with me.
[Claire:] so, then I told him that I'm not doing it any more.
[speaker002:] Well I don't like to do that one.
[Craig:] Ain't you doing no more?
[Claire:] I can't do it next week, I can't do it next week. What you doing next week? Erm... Emma's boyfriend is having a party at Village Hall. Mm. I've got a party at Morecambe Village Hall.
[speaker002:] Mm
[Craig:] Are you going?
[Claire:] Twentieth party. Twenty first birthday. Should be a good laugh actually, all the boys
[Craig:] When are they having a party? Claire?
[Claire:] Ah?
[Craig:] When are they having a party?
[Claire:] Shoes in a plastic bag. Who?
[Craig:] Emma and... Simon.
[Claire:] Next week.
[Craig:] Next week? Can I come?
[Claire:] Am I too late to... Craig do you wanna do something?
[Craig:] Yeah alright.
[Claire:] dry those.
[Craig:] ... alright I'll dry them.
[Claire:] Cos I've gotta get... er Craig, you can come if you drive home.
[Craig:] Pardon?
[Claire:] You can come if you drive home.
[Craig:] No. I'm gonna get...... out of me head [LAUGHTER]... [LAUGHTER] I see him putting them over here.... Oi!
[Claire:] Mm
[Craig:] Now.
[Claire:] Did you say milky? Looks like pure hot milk.
[Craig:] Did someone write... one
[Claire:] I don't feel like you're under pressure to do things do you?
[Craig:] It's nice that top.
[Claire:] [LAUGHTER] You're joking []?
[Craig:] Nah.
[speaker002:] I think it's alright.
[Craig:] Cor!
[Claire:] Well no one else thinks it is.
[speaker006:] [whispering] [].
[Craig:] Who? [whispering] Yeah, oh I don't like her []. She's got a moustache.
[Claire:] Well Vicky has, but she can't help it.
[Craig:] No Vicky's got a beard.
[Claire:] No I've got a beard.
[Craig:] [tut]! Oh. Teaspoon.
[speaker006:] If you dry up and put them there now cos it's nearly.
[speaker002:] I got nice baggy arse here.
[Craig:] [LAUGHTER]... Are they... riding jodhpurs aren't they?
[speaker002:] Yeah, well, such a shame.
[Craig:] Can I have the erm... grey thing here?... You gotta wear that now? [whistling]
[speaker006:] Oh don't take no notice, notice love.
[Craig:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker006:] No, no, it's quite short.
[Paul:] It's horrible!
[Claire:] Jo, is yours starting at half past?
[Craig:] Yeah you gotta wear your sunglasses.... Wow! I'm gonna copy you. [LAUGHTER]
[Claire:] [LAUGHTER]
[Craig:] [LAUGHTER]... Well don't she Of course. Nice one!
[Claire:] Stay with me, don't move
[Craig:] We'll ask her later. Ask the same person and I'll catch it on tape. Go on.... Matthew!... Can someone help me?
[Claire:] [whispering] When Billy's clear [].
[Craig:] Ah?
[Claire:] Shh!
[speaker006:] You alright?
[Craig:] Cheers man. Cheers.... I ain't doing no more. Forget it.
[Claire:] Don't do any more then!
[Craig:] [LAUGHTER] Alright then [].
[Claire:] [LAUGHTER]... For God's sake, no point wasting it.
[Craig:] Alright. [LAUGHTER]... See ya later.
[Claire:] Get back in there!
[Craig:] What?
[Claire:] Get back in the kitchen!
[speaker006:] right, Craig's just about to beat up Jane man, and he's hitting her because she's meant to have taped over something and I'm taping over even more of it now! That boy is fucking shit! [screaming] Shut up []!
[speaker002:] Right, they're having a row, now Vicki storms in and they're all rowing. Vicki's trying to protect Jane cos Jane's such a little bitch of a shit hole she can't defend herself. She got curly hair right, and rubbery lips... but she's alright. She's got a jean jacket on, a flowery shirt, a pair of jeans and pair of them boots, black boots, they look alright. And she's got a crappy Just Seventeen choker around her neck, it is so shit! Can you please say this on the mike.
[speaker006:] Bollocks!
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER]... That was Jane.
[speaker006:] What was fucking shit!
[speaker002:] Where's Rob? Where's Rob? We just got a little boy here called Wayne and he don't know what he's fucking talking about.
[speaker006:] Bollocks!
[speaker002:] Nah, cos right we're just gonna say as much as can on this tape. Have you got something say?
[speaker006:] What?
[speaker002:] Got something to say?
[speaker006:] No, why? What?
[speaker002:] Oh she's just a bit shy. It's okay. Just swear.
[speaker006:] Bollocks! Bollocks! How much do you get an hour?
[John:] Two fifty.
[Craig:] Two fifty? I thought you got three quid. Claire gets more than you then.
[Jill:] Oh please let me sit down.
[John:] Claire?
[Craig:] Mm.
[John:] How much do you get an hour?
[Jill:] Three quid. How much do you get?
[Craig:] Ah no! He's been working his time man. Ah! That's out of order. Ah nah! [LAUGHTER] Ah ha ah []!
[speaker006:] Three pound is right.
[Jill:] That's the, yeah but that's the rate I said to Nicola, I wasn't working less than that.
[Craig:] Ooh you're getting.
[Jill:] How much is he earning?
[Craig:] What?
[Jill:] How much?
[Craig:] Two fifty. He's er, he's been working all that time and he's been getting two fifty. Ain't even bothered to ask... to go up.
[Jill:] Oh shit!... Well he ought to talk to Nicola about that.
[Craig:] Pardon?... That's out of order that is, the girls go mental over that.
[Jill:] I wanna look at the animals.
[Craig:] Pardon? What are they? Groovers!
[John:] Martina's having the same thing done.
[speaker006:] Martina's having the B and B. He said watch it when you go to leave
[Jill:] I thought that was your drink Paul.
[speaker006:] No I never drink the stuff Gill.
[Jill:] Yes you do!
[speaker006:] Never drink it love.
[Jill:] By the bucketful!
[speaker006:] Never drink the stuff. There's a load of crap! [LAUGHTER]
[Craig:] Yeah.
[speaker006:] Hurry up.
[Craig:] Yes. I ain't going back to school. Not going back
[Jill:] What's that?
[Craig:] till tomorrow. [LAUGHTER]... What?
[Jill:] [LAUGHTER]... Have you been taping everything on it? Can I listen to it?
[Craig:] I ain't got no headphones.
[Jill:] How long you been taping it for?
[Craig:] This is my second tape. I've done a tape already.
[Jill:] What of.
[Craig:] People talking. I've gotta do it, it's my homework... for school. [LAUGHTER]
[Jill:] [LAUGHTER]
[Craig:] Hideous stuff! Hideous stuff!
[speaker006:] You know them, like, little sledgehammers, like little hammers about that big... about... ten kids jumped him, yeah?
[John:] Yeah!
[Craig:] Sixteen year old, yeah? He was on his bike... six kids jumped him and said give us your bike... they, they took his bike off him... gave him a hammering right on the nose, broke his nose. Three years ago that happened and his nose it's still like that. Mashed up.
[Jill:] John, he went up to John's house, John come and picked up and they back to John's... and John come back to the Phoenix and he had, you know the umbrella things?
[Craig:] Yeah.
[Jill:] His has got like, it's like a... a stake, like a
[Craig:] Yeah.
[Jill:] a really pointed thing, he brought that down with him. But they'd gone. They'd buggered off. Bastards!
[Craig:] Mates of theirs... if there's a fight... they come back with blades and that and like... baseball bats, hammers, they get ready for a fight, but they're all gone.
[Jill:] What's up?
[speaker006:] Keep practising Craig.
[Jill:] Did you sort it out? What did they say?
[John:] Yep.
[Jill:] What did they say?
[John:] Er er pay me some more money.
[Jill:] How much er pay rise?
[Craig:] How long's Michael gone away for?
[John:] Don't know.
[Craig:] How much you getting a pay rise for?
[Jill:] It's about ten, fifty P. I, no, the reason I got that is cos I said to Nicola I'm not working less than three pound, cos I'm gonna over four pounds there.
[speaker006:] I, I I only get three pound... in the office.
[Jill:] Yeah I'm only I'm not working for two pound fifty.
[Craig:] And how long have you been working here?
[speaker006:] Well you're best to go hourly than shifts, than erm
[Craig:] Six months, and you'll be, [LAUGHTER]... three fifty, and she's only just started... getting three quid.
[Jill:] It's only cos I said
[speaker006:] Yeah.
[Jill:] otherwise I would have been on two fifty.
[Craig:] If you do... didn't you say anything before?
[speaker006:] It's not exactly hard work here though is it? I mean... I could work at the for three pound an hour.
[Jill:] It is if I work Saturday night.
[speaker006:] But you're not doing Saturdays? Are you? Was Claire doing down here last Saturday night?
[Jill:] It was a good atmosphere in the restaurant last night.
[John:] Thank you.
[Jill:] Where's your little erm... have you got a... blind thing you know?
[John:] What, [LAUGHTER] up there []?
[Jill:] No, a little erm... Oh! Stop it! You know what I mean a
[speaker006:] [LAUGHTER]
[Jill:] a chain thing.
[John:] [LAUGHTER]... Right, any more? Any more? That's it.
[Craig:] Yeah Dad, can I have a Coke please?
[Jill:] Don't call him Dad behind, behind the bar.
[Craig:] Alright. John.
[Jill:] Here John! Got a couple of shiners ain't he? Bet he's
[Craig:] Yeah.
[Jill:] been in a fight.
[Craig:] Cor!
[John:] [LAUGHTER]
[Craig:] He ain't even seen a fight though has he?
[Jill:] Who?
[Craig:] That bloke, he's got two massive.
[Jill:] John, you didn't do that to that gentleman behind the bar did you, smashed his eyes?
[John:] Who?
[Jill:] With the black eyes?
[John:] Has somebody been playing with these taps?
[Jill:] [LAUGHTER] No.
[John:] Oh don't say that!
[Jill:] Are you going back to nan's this afternoon?
[Craig:] No, I doubt it.
[Jill:] Are you gonna go home? I bet your Mum might be pleased to see you. Yes. [lot of background chatter in pub]
[Craig:] Who was that this morning? Was that your Dad? Got a new car? It's nice innit? What is it, one ninety or three hundred?
[Jill:] Dunno. He's not interested in cars are you Martin? Nah. Now you would know
[Craig:] He just, he just drives them, [LAUGHTER] he don't care what they are, he just drives them [].
[Jill:] You gotta get that roof off that erm... jeep though.
[Craig:] Cor! Yeah!
[Jill:] It's gotta be done.
[Craig:] All the girls' ll be chasing you down the road. Ee ee ee ee!
[speaker006:] Is it soft top?
[Jill:] It like, it comes off.
[speaker006:] So he's actually taken it off?
[Jill:] Yeah. It takes about an hour to take it off. Well
[speaker006:] It's not the sort of thing you can take with you. If it's pouring like with rain and go out
[Jill:] No it doesn't fold up.
[Craig:] You just take it off.
[speaker006:] Well, you wouldn't need to have it.
[Craig:] Yeah.
[Jill:] I want one like what Lisa's got.
[speaker006:] I've never seen that one before.
[Craig:] The only thing with the folded ones
[Jill:] What? I know they roll over though.
[Craig:] The only thing
[Jill:] I've never seen it before that one.
[Craig:] John, the only thing with the folded ones
[Jill:] It takes ages. About six months.
[Craig:] is people break into them and they er, only need a knife don't they?
[John:] Yes Craig they
[Craig:] Break it open.
[John:] do don't they?
[Craig:] Yeah.
[Jill:] [LAUGHTER] How do you know that Craig []?
[Craig:] Cos I do. [LAUGHTER]
[Jill:] [LAUGHTER]
[Craig:] Right? With a soft top, yeah... the easiest thing to do is just get a knife, stick it in and slit it and you've got a little hole to get in. That's the only thing with soft tops.
[Jill:] Oh yeah, they're easier to break into.
[Craig:] Yeah.
[Jill:] I want a Golf convertible. That's my dream.
[Craig:] Cor! Yeah!
[Jill:] G C I. Sod all the B M W's and that. May, when I'm older... have one of them.
[Craig:] I wanna get a little Fiesta. A white one
[Jill:] Ford Fiesta.
[Craig:] with purple stripes on the side.
[Jill:] Oh no. I had one Fiesta. It's just, that's the Ghia. What?... I'm really pissed off. They're, I reckon they're taking piss, forty minutes late last night! Out of work, didn't get out of work until twenty to seven... on a Saturday night.... Hello! Woo ooh!
[speaker006:] Alright? Can I have two halves of shandy please.
[John:] That's, it's horrible to see that in the family.
[speaker006:] [talk in background] [LAUGHTER]
[John:] He only got a from a customer. [LAUGHTER]
[speaker006:] Oh, oh right.
[John:] And he said... and he brought it up about three years later. You owe me, [LAUGHTER] he said. What? What are you talking about []?
[speaker006:] You wouldn't have known whe who they are.
[John:] [LAUGHTER] Yeah [].
[speaker006:] You get this sort of thing, especially if, you go
[John:] I wasn't the best man, I was in the right place at the right time.
[speaker006:] Yeah I know. Well, well tha that doesn't matter.
[John:] [LAUGHTER] Yeah []. Well he didn't know where to go or what happened.
[Craig:] [LAUGHTER]... [LAUGHTER] Oh yeah [].
[speaker006:] [talk in background]
[Jill:] Are you gonna take this ball up regular then Craig?
[Craig:] Yeah.
[Jill:] Eh?
[Craig:] Yeah. That's what I said I, if I'm down like Sunday he says that I can play.
[Jill:] Yeah. Yeah. That's the stuff.
[Craig:] Yeah.
[Jill:] But you're not around every Wednesday night to represent the team?
[Craig:] No. It, in the holidays I am, but
[Jill:] Yeah.
[Craig:] last year... in the holidays I was around all the time but
[Jill:] Well that's right. Yeah.
[Craig:] Yeah.
[Jill:] That's right. When we used to go, we used to go to... Nicks together?
[Craig:] Yeah. Ha.
[Jill:] Do you want a pint?
[Craig:] Yeah.
[Jill:] [LAUGHTER] []!
[Craig:] Yeah.
[John:] No Lisa actually went.
[Craig:] Yeah but he'll get one.
[John:] [LAUGHTER] Yeah []. Get out of here!
[Craig:] [LAUGHTER]... Nah. I've crushed it with one of them balls.
[John:] That's why it bounced awkwardly.
[Craig:] [LAUGHTER]
[Jill:] Are you gonna take your roof down Martin? [LAUGHTER] It's such a nice day.
[Craig:] Yep. [LAUGHTER] Yeah []. He'll take the whole thing apart!
[Jill:] [LAUGHTER]
[Craig:] [LAUGHTER]
[Jill:] Get your tin opener out. [LAUGHTER]
[Craig:] [LAUGHTER]... hee hee [LAUGHTER]... Only cost fifty P.
[speaker006:] [LAUGHTER]
[Jill:] Aren't you gonna stay in at home and working all day?
[John:] Thing is I'm not working.
[Jill:] I don't use reverse. Just Apart from me. [phone rings]. Yeah. Phone! No it's not.... No one 's [LAUGHTER] listening [].
[Craig:] Weren't really busy was it today?
[Jill:] Oh is that Don?
[Craig:] Yeah I know. Go and crawl up his arse. Bloody school tomorrow! [tut]!
[Jill:] Going back tonight... or tomorrow morning?
[Craig:] Tomorrow morning.
[Jill:] What early?
[Craig:] I'm gonna have to get up at four. Get home by seven.
[Jill:] Have you hurt your eyes?
[Craig:] Yeah.
[Jill:] Rubbing it, where you
[Craig:] Yeah. Got eyelash in my eye.... I get a funny twitch in it. The nerve goes, phew
[Jill:] [LAUGHTER]
[Craig:] [LAUGHTER]... It's horrible when it
[Jill:] [LAUGHTER] A bit dodgy []!
[Craig:] Yeah. You, lee ee ee ee ee ee.... Was the club busy last night?
[Jill:] Er, yeah it was ja, it was really packed, it was a nightmare. It was a good night actually.
[Craig:] Where do you park?
[Jill:] Outside.
[Craig:] Outside? I thought you should be... in all the roads' ll be blocked off.
[Jill:] We found a space... with nothing in... just outside.
[Craig:] Where did all the lads go last night?
[Jill:] Dunno. Didn't ask them. John was in a funny mood.
[Craig:] Don't they usually come up here on a Saturday night?
[Jill:] Sometimes. Depending where they wanna go. No point in coming here all the time, it's boring.
[Craig:] Yeah.
[Jill:] Like, Friday night all the boys came up and then they picked me up and we didn't come back. If we'd have stayed here there would have been no trouble. The Phoenix used to be such a good pub.... there was always... the, that big blokes who live down there started all the trouble. I left right, right, I ran off... I jumped out the car because I heard them driving round the corner
[Craig:] Yeah.
[Jill:] and I didn't really wanna be there when they found them, and erm... yeah... I ran back to the pub and the police were there. You ready then Jill? You finished? Yeah.
[speaker006:] [talk in background]
[Craig:] Did it rain heavy last night?
[Jill:] Er, yeah
[speaker009:] Craig! We know you're in there. And listen to this you fucking bastard!
[speaker002:] Fuck you arsehole!
[speaker009:] [LAUGHTER]... [LAUGHTER] Fuck you arsehole []!
[Craig:] [shouting] aargh []!
[speaker009:] Right. Right.
[speaker002:] Right Craig, can I ask you a personal question about... Craig?
[speaker009:] Er, depends
[speaker002:] Do you think, do you think he's really nice looking? Like, really, really gorgeous?
[speaker009:] I suppose he's alright. Yeah.
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER]... Do you think he's really, really bogus do you?
[speaker009:] Course man.
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER]... He's wha, d'ya, what do you reckon Jay?
[speaker009:] He's got nice eyes.
[speaker002:] Yeah, he's got nice eyes. And nice eyelashes.
[speaker009:] Nice arse.
[speaker002:] [shouting] But he's still a bastard []!
[speaker009:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker002:] [shouting] Cunt []!
[Craig:] Take the mic out and hold, hold the mic.
[speaker002:] [shouting] Cunt []!
[Craig:] I'll pick it up and hold it.
[speaker009:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker002:] [shouting] You bastard []!
[speaker009:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker002:] Right now, listen to a little story we've got to tell you right, okay? When you get home we want you to listen to this good.
[speaker009:] And then tomorrow you know where to meet me.
[speaker002:] Yeah. Right. We want you to come round... at what time Fay would be best?
[speaker006:] I don't care.
[speaker002:] Er er... at half past six right? Behind Raymond, near the estate office where the raili, black railings are... and you'll see Fay there and you'll know what to do.
[speaker009:] With her mouth open.
[speaker006:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker002:] And Fay will give you the instructions [LAUGHTER] from there [].
[speaker006:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker002:] Okay then?
[speaker009:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker002:] See you later.
[speaker009:] Pip. [LAUGHTER]
[speaker002:] Bye Pip. Fay, what you got to say to him?
[speaker006:] [shouting] Go []!
[speaker009:] [LAUGHTER]... And then Fay will fuck you! [LAUGHTER]
[speaker002:] [mimicking] Fuck you too arsehole! That's from me []! [LAUGHTER]
[speaker009:] Bye!
[speaker006:] Don't you want to say about shit and things like that?
[Frank:] [LAUGHTER]
[Craig:] Your Mum can't afford toilet paper, she has to slide down the banisters.
[speaker009:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER]
[Craig:] And listen! And your Mum can't afford toilet paper for her pussy, so when she slides down the banister and says like blurgh, la blah la blah loo!
[Frank:] [LAUGHTER]
[Craig:] Your Dad uses a plastic bag for a condom. [LAUGHTER]
[Frank:] At least my Dad can afford plastic bags, that's all I'm saying.
[Craig:] My Dad uses [LAUGHTER] Durex's [].
[Frank:] Yeah, but your Dad's Durex's have got holes in the top so that's a sly way of getting babies.
[speaker002:] new bubble gum flavour.
[speaker009:] [LAUGHTER] New bubble gum flavour []!
[speaker002:] I can't, trust Jay.
[Craig:] Who wi... what his Dad wears bubbles gums on his cock. [LAUGHTER]... A bit sticky innit?
[speaker009:] [LAUGHTER]
[Craig:] It gets lost inside. He has to stick his head up and go... [mimicking American accent] where the fuck has it gone []?
[speaker009:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER] [police sirens]
[Frank:] Yeah at my Mum enjoys it.
[Craig:] Yeah, your Mum's got dreadlocks under her arms and round her cunt.
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker009:] [LAUGHTER]... dread, dread, er dreadlocks on her eyebrows.
[Craig:] How can my Mum have dreadlocks on her eyebrows? They must be very small.
[speaker009:] Cos she don't pluck them. [LAUGHTER]
[Craig:] She don't pluck them? Your Mum fucks them!
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker009:] How can you fuck eyebrows?
[Craig:] Well you pull them out and stick them up there don't ya?
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER]
[Frank:] No! Your Mum's been bald all her life. She has to cut hairs off of your dolls and stick it on with Sellotape!... But when your Mum's not feeling well your Dad fucks her earhole instead.
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker009:] [LAUGHTER]
[Craig:] Yeah. Her earhole ain't big enough for fucking!
[speaker009:] [LAUGHTER]
[Frank:] Yes... yes it is.
[Craig:] No, I don't think so. If you knows like how my big... cock, my Dad's cock's like this.
[Frank:] And up her arse give her a shot.
[Craig:] Now that's against the law so I don't think so.
[speaker009:] Probably get his tongue stuck and all!
[speaker002:] What?
[Frank:] Come on then. I'm not doing no more.
[Craig:] No it's your cuts, it's your cuts.
[Frank:] Oh what is it?
[Craig:] Oh hurry up I ain't got all night!
[Frank:] Your Mum's got so many hairs on her fanny Tarzan don't know which one to swing on!
[Craig:] I've he, I've heard that one before, but like... it's just like this one innit? Your Mum's fucking fanny... is so wrinkly... the crabs... have got walking sticks.
[Frank:] [LAUGHTER]...
[Craig:] ? How have I got?
[Frank:] You have.
[Craig:] D'ya know what your got?
[Frank:] What?
[Craig:] You've got a fucking peanut with fucking... chocolate around the top but that's shit, but listen
[speaker006:] [LAUGHTER]
[Craig:] got this
[Frank:] Funny!
[Craig:] Your Mum ain't got no arms but she still wants to wear gloves. [shouting] Come on! Hurry up []!
[speaker009:] I ain't telling you no more cos I don't know none. I don't know.
[Frank:] Come on them, let's get to slag at all you lot.
[Craig:] What's all that shit? Your Mum does out of her fanny.
[Frank:] Your Dad throws fireballs out of his cock! Then it burns! [LAUGHTER]
[Craig:] Yeah, that's alright.
[speaker009:] [LAUGHTER]
[Craig:] That's alright. He has... er er
[Frank:] That's why you're in don't he? When he boom, they da, they have ha arms... you ain't got no arms to wear that Arsenal top with so... Your Mum and Dad that's why they massage it.
[speaker006:] [LAUGHTER]
[Craig:] Yeah man, my Dad gets on a hard'un. Your Dad can't get on a hard'un. Your Dad stays like that.
[speaker006:] [LAUGHTER]
[Frank:] Yeah, my Mum does a really hard smack.
[Craig:] Yeah come, tell your Mum to come here and lay back like this and let her touch my cock. Phworgh! Hey!
[Frank:] Tell your Mum to come here and I'll lay back and all.
[Craig:] Yeah, but my Mum wouldn't nowhere near you. You're a little cunt though int ya?
[speaker009:] [LAUGHTER]
[Frank:] Your
[speaker006:] Say you got a maggot.
[Frank:] Nor would mine.
[Craig:] Yeah but she would because I just said it and you said nothing. [shouting] Go tell your Mum [] to to, stop changing her lipstick cos she's making my cock look like a rainbow.
[Frank:] Yeah, tell your Mum to give me... the twelve pence, er, er the two P cos erm... it wasn't, it wasn't worth last night.
[Craig:] Tell your Mum to give my money back, she ne, has your Mum fall pregnant yet?
[Frank:] Nah.
[Craig:] Tell your Mum to give her money
[speaker006:] Er Wayne
[Craig:] back then.
[Frank:] What? You must have touched her up the wrong way.
[Craig:] Yeah, I must have done mustn't I?
[speaker009:] ... Up, what?
[speaker002:] What did you say?
[Craig:] I say yeah I must have done mustn't I?
[Frank:] Yeah you did.
[Craig:] Yeah but Mum, you're being circumcised. You've been circumcised and a maggot! You've been circumcised!
[speaker006:] That Jade thinks she a right horny bitch don't she?
[speaker009:] Yeah. Your Mum?
[Craig:] Like her Mum did you just say?
[speaker009:] Yeah.
[Craig:] She'll slap me when she hears this.
[speaker009:] She won't cos she's a old slag.
[Craig:] Ah ah! Jade when listen to this you best beat him up bad.
[speaker009:] I'll knock you out.
[speaker006:] Tell her your, tell her your name.
[speaker009:] My name's Jay and you're a slag!
[Craig:] Ah! Jade, man. How about Vicki? Do you like Vicki?
[speaker009:] Yeah.
[speaker006:] Do you think she's horny.
[speaker009:] Nah.
[Craig:] She's got a nice pair of legs ain't she?
[speaker009:] Yeah.
[Craig:] Beautiful int they?
[speaker009:] Yeah.
[speaker006:] How about Fay, Craig's bird?
[Craig:] She's nice int she?
[speaker009:] Yeah.
[speaker006:] Do you think she's an horny girl?
[speaker009:] Yeah.
[speaker006:] Would you fuck her?
[speaker009:] Yeah.
[speaker006:] [LAUGHTER] Would you Frenchie her?
[speaker009:] Nah.
[speaker006:] Why not?
[speaker009:] Cos I don't wanna.... Cos she's got smelly breath.
[Craig:] Ah! Fay, wait till you hear this, you best slap him as well.
[speaker006:] [LAUGHTER] She's nice though int she?
[speaker009:] Nah.
[speaker006:] Yeah we're gonna get all the birds and fuck them!
[speaker009:] Yeah.
[Craig:] That narf nice.
[Frank:] Yeah man.
[speaker009:] Fucking get the cocks out!
[Frank:] It'll be a good night tonight weren't it? Yeah, man!
[speaker009:] But you're not coming there so shut up! No we're going Clacton, proper Clacton.
[Frank:] Yeah.
[speaker009:] Gonna get all the girls, go swimming, fuck them in pool and the lot man!
[Frank:] Go under the water.
[speaker009:] Yeah, there's three beds, three beds there. So you think, what can we do with three beds?
[Frank:] You on one.
[speaker009:] Yeah.
[Frank:] Craig on the other.
[speaker009:] Yeah.
[Frank:] [LAUGHTER] Me on the other one [].
[speaker006:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker009:] But you're too young to go for girls. We're drinking beer, getting pissed
[Frank:] No I'm not.
[speaker009:] out of our nut. But you don't even know Craig properly so you're not coming man.
[Frank:] I do.
[speaker009:] You fucking don't!
[Frank:] Piss off!
[speaker009:] Bollocks!
[Frank:] Your Mum.
[speaker009:] Your Dad.
[Frank:] Like you want a new head.
[speaker009:] Ah! You've... your Dad, your auntie Jackie, your Mum's got Aids and you're a paki!
[Craig:] [LAUGHTER]
[Frank:] Your Mum's a bun round. Fuck her and they slap her and she still comes back for more.
[speaker009:] Your Mum's a baboon like you've just called mine... but she's got big hairy tits. And your Dad's got... hairy ball bags!
[Frank:] At least my Dad ain't got a bald head.
[speaker009:] Your Dad's got a bald head with black eyes mate! Your Dad's Popeye.
[Frank:] No he ain't.
[speaker009:] Yes he is.
[Frank:] No he ain't.
[speaker009:] Bollocks! He is. Right. I don't wanna cuss you I'll end up getting you vexed and you'll go home crying to your Mum. But if you want a cussing match later on.
[Frank:] Yeah.
[speaker009:] I'll give you one. I'll give you a cussing match. Right, now coming back to the girls. Right that Vicki, d'ya think she's nice?
[Frank:] Yeah.
[speaker009:] You'd get off with her wouldn't ya?
[Frank:] Yeah.
[speaker009:] [LAUGHTER]
[Craig:] I wouldn't.
[Frank:] Mucking about.
[Craig:] I wouldn't because she'd slap me, but
[speaker009:] You like all the slapping business don't ya?
[Craig:] Yeah. How about Fay? Do you fancy her?
[Frank:] Don't know her.
[Craig:] Yeah, man, you know the one with blonde hair, she's really nice?
[Frank:] Oh yeah.
[speaker009:] You'd go with her wouldn't ya?
[Frank:] Yeah.
[speaker009:] She's got a bit of smelly breath though int she?
[Frank:] Nah.
[speaker009:] You just said that she has though.
[Craig:] [LAUGHTER]
[Frank:] Yeah, yeah.
[speaker009:] Got hairy breathe int she?
[Frank:] Yeah.
[speaker009:] [LAUGHTER] How can she have hairy breathe []?
[speaker006:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker009:] Oi Rob. You know you wanted to... go with er... thingie, what's her name?
[Craig:] Cora.
[speaker009:] Yeah. D'ya still wanna go with her cos she told me that she wants to go with ya?
[Craig:] Why?
[speaker009:] Yeah man, you gonna go with her?
[Craig:] Probably, yeah.
[speaker009:] What you gonna do to her? Just slap her salami or
[Craig:] Yeah. Slap her salami.
[speaker009:] D'ya know what slapping salami is?
[Craig:] Nah.
[Frank:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker009:] It means fucking her. Are you gonna fuck her?
[Craig:] Yeah. Why?
[speaker009:] Are you gonna fuck her?
[Craig:] Yeah.
[speaker009:] I don't think so somehow.
[Craig:] Nah. It's against the, I wouldn't do it any, I'm too young to fuck ain't I? You're damn right.
[speaker010:] Craig... you know Robert?
[Craig:] Yeah.
[speaker010:] He said
[speaker009:] you know on first day when I was here
[Craig:] Yeah.
[speaker009:] when it was slippery
[Craig:] You were a fucking wanker weren't ya?
[speaker009:] No. When I was down
[Craig:] You was bollocks weren't ya? Nah.
[speaker009:] First time, but I kept... when I kept going I kept slipping.
[speaker010:] Yes.
[Craig:] No, you're a wanker on this int ya? Bollocks!
[speaker009:] Your Mum.
[Craig:] Your Dad. Your aunty Jackie bollocks to this! And your Dad's a paki!
[speaker009:] You said that
[speaker010:] Arseholes!
[speaker009:] one.
[speaker010:] [shouting] Don't fucking []!
[Craig:] Ah ah!
[speaker009:] Your Mum's a, and they fuck her and they slap her and she comes back for more.
[Craig:] Yeah, your mum keeps changing her lipstick, makes my cock look like a rainbow. His Mum's got fucking kick start [LAUGHTER] on her vibrator [].
[speaker009:] She normally does it... with washing machines.
[Craig:] Your Mum kick starts her fucking hoover!
[speaker010:] Your mum fetches that.
[speaker009:] What?
[Craig:] That's old bollocks! You're not involved in this.
[speaker010:] I am.
[Craig:] Come on, keep cussing me. Keep cussing me.
[speaker010:] Oh bloody cuss him! Mucking around.
[Craig:] Right. No it ain't mucking around. I'm serious with him. You know your Mum
[speaker009:] Well I'm not.
[Craig:] you know your Mum, she's got a kick start on her video recorder.
[speaker009:] You know your Mum, she has to keep riding her bike to make fucking... laundry drip dry.
[speaker010:] my cousin.
[Craig:] Nah. Don't even know you
[speaker010:] I say, I make you, you know I'm mucking about
[Frank:] Have you seen Fay?
[speaker010:] don't ya?
[Craig:] Yeah. Yeah.
[speaker010:] And you know where the sex, sex you need to go to the, yeah? It's only mucking around.
[Craig:] Alright. Alright. Alright.
[speaker010:] Just give me one of them.
[Frank:] No I'm having this.
[Craig:] Ha ha! Er
[speaker009:] Yeah you know your Mum? She's got a tattoo on her fanny int she?
[Frank:] Nah.
[speaker009:] She has.
[speaker010:] [LAUGHTER] She has [].
[speaker009:] Your Mum's got a big fucking tattoo of a snake on her fanny.
[Frank:] Nah.
[speaker010:] She has! She showed me last night when I was fucking her salami!... And you see that truck what just went by [talking from far away]
[Frank:] Yeah.
[speaker010:] your mum's got her fanny stuck up the exhaust of it. Beat that one mother-fucker!
[Frank:] Don't be funny.
[Craig:] Your Mum's got a kick-start on an electric wheelchair.
[Frank:] Your Mum kick-start her.
[speaker010:] [clears throat]
[Craig:] Your Mum's got a kick-start on your Dad's cock so he goes... rub it up babe! aargh! aargh! aargh! aargh! aargh! aargh!
[Frank:] Your Dad's cock smells.
[Craig:] My Dad's cock smells?
[Frank:] Yeah.
[Craig:] It smells a lot cleaner that what your Dad's cock does. [shouting] Your Dad's got cheese under it []! My... your Mum's had more pricks than a secondhand dart board.
[Frank:] Your Mum kick-starts the hoover.
[speaker010:] Time over.
[Craig:] Nah.
[speaker009:] You know your Mum?
[Frank:] Yeah.
[speaker009:] She's got a sign on her arse saying no entry. And she's got a sign
[Frank:] Your Mum's
[speaker009:] No.
[Craig:] Your Mum
[Frank:] Yes it is.
[Craig:] yeah, your Mum's got a sign on her fanny saying, if small you'll get lost. I like big ones better though. She's got that on her fanny so... I've had your Mum so many
[speaker010:] Oh shut up!
[Craig:] times, I forget the first time I had her. Oi! Is your Mum pregnant yet?
[Frank:] No.
[Craig:] Well tell her to give me my fucking money back then!
[Frank:] Your Mum sucks your Dad cock.
[Craig:] Yeah I know she does. So what about that? I suck your Mum's fanny.
[Frank:] I eat her farts.
[Craig:] Your Mum's teeth are clitorises so I just touch them and she gets
[speaker010:] Look that's
[Craig:] You eat my Mum's farts! Oh God! My Mum likes baked beans, yeah.
[Frank:] Yeah.
[Craig:] Yeah, tell your Mum, if she ain't pregnant to give me my money back. But it was only ten P so get down mate. You know when you was born... I was sucking your Mum's fanny... and then your head popped into my mouth.
[Frank:] [talking from too far away]... Look, you when you was born?
[Craig:] Yeah.
[Frank:] You fell out your Mum's arse.
[Craig:] How could I be, there ain't no fertility cords holding on to the fanny.
[speaker010:] And there ain't no... and there ain't no
[Craig:] Yeah, but you know when we, you know when you was coming out your Mum's fanny
[Frank:] Yeah.
[Craig:] Right? My head got stuck up there so I lifted her up in the hair and started swinging her around in my head. And the nurses goes... [mimicking Pakistani accent] Ooh! Put that lady down. She will get vibes []. [LAUGHTER]
[Frank:] Your Mum.
[Craig:] My Mum? What about my Mum?
[Frank:] She smells?
[Craig:] [LAUGHTER] She smells of what []?
[speaker010:] I don't think so.
[Craig:] Your Dad's got cheese under his cock.... Your Mum fucks a broom.... Your Mum smells like prawns as well.
[Frank:] She fucking smells!
[Craig:] [LAUGHTER]... Your Dad smells of... your Dad's got crabs and they go in his eyeballs in the,.
[speaker009:] They eat your fucking Dad's brains! Know that?
[Craig:] Here, you see this lorry coming along? See that big lorry? That's what I fucked your mum in. Fucked your mum in the back of that lorry.
[Frank:] Funny!
[Craig:] I can remember that. Yeah, very funny innit? See those skates you've got on?
[Frank:] Yeah.
[Craig:] I paid for them.
[Frank:] See your skates?
[Craig:] Yeah.
[Frank:] I bought fucking.
[Craig:] What hundred and twelve pound?
[Frank:] Yeah.
[Craig:] Yeah, I thought so. Yeah. Course.
[speaker010:] He's so scared!
[Craig:] Bowler turbo with Simms wheels and N N B bearings, I don't think so! Shall I tell you what?
[speaker010:] What's that?
[Craig:] You know your Mum? You know your Mum? She stands down Whitechapel with her legs open saying, [singing] come on over to my place. Yeah, yeah, yeah []!
[speaker009:] And your Mum stands on top of an ice-cream stan, van saying ten P a lick! Ten P a lick!
[Craig:] No he never. Your Mum's like a carrier bag, ten P a lick, twenty P the lot. Your Mum's a snow-blower, so's your Dad. And do you know what you are?
[Frank:] Your Mum's a... a slapper
[Craig:] Your Mum's
[Frank:] and they fuck her and.
[speaker010:] Yeah, funny!
[Craig:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker010:] Now I know why sad.
[Craig:] [LAUGHTER]... You know this bowl? That's one of my bollocks, it fell off though. I kept fucking your Mum so much my bollock fell off.
[speaker010:] And I can tell your Mum
[Craig:] But then I got another one sewed it backed on... sewed it back on... and now I've got two balls... full of sperm ready to come up your Mum tonight.... And if she don't get pregnant tell her I want my money back. And tell her, I've got her knickers at my house if she wants to come round and get them. And tell your Mum... that bondage whip... as left marks on me.
[speaker006:] You know your Mum? She's got kick start on her lawn mower. And then goes wurgh aargh aargh! Wurgh!
[speaker010:] No, we gotta go. Mum sucks, your Mum sucks a black knob.
[Craig:] A black knob?
[speaker010:] Yeah.
[Craig:] Your Mum sucks Chinky knobs. Your Mum's got a fanny with a split the wrong way.... You know your Mu
[speaker010:] Yours sucks her own boobs.
[Craig:] My Mum's boobs are too... Mum... oh ah ah! You saying my Mum sucks her own boobs?
[speaker010:] Yeah.
[Craig:] Yeah, you know your Mum? She gets a vibrator and puts in between her boobs.
[speaker010:] I suck on your Mum's boobs every night so she can have a baby.
[Craig:] Nah. I used to suck in my Mum's boobs when I was a baby but not now, I don't think so. So shut up! Bye!
[speaker010:] Sucks her cunt!
[Craig:] How can my Mum suck my Dad's cunt? My Dad ain't got a
[speaker010:] Yeah. He sucks cocks and put it in.
[Craig:] Yeah. That ain't a cunt though is it? You know your Dad?
[speaker010:] Yeah.
[Craig:] He... sticks his dick... up another man's... arse. So shut up!
[speaker010:] Your Dad... is a fucking lesy.
[Craig:] How can my Dad be a lesy? Your Mum's a lesy. And your Dad's gay. So shut up! That's the end. That's the end. Right. Bye.
[speaker010:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker009:] suck King Kong for a packet of Chewits.
[speaker010:] Your Mum sucks your Dad every night so she can have another baby.
[Craig:] Ah!
[speaker009:] Your Mum's a, and I fuck her and I slap her and I and she still comes back for more.
[speaker010:] I really think so, your Mum's.
[speaker009:] Your Mum's got a face.
[speaker010:] Your Mum sucks your Dad's knob every night, and then fuck her. And no Jay, no.
[speaker009:] What?
[speaker010:] you know
[speaker009:] Your Mum's fanny smells of fish.
[Craig:] Well my, right... Mum's
[speaker010:] Your Dad's cunt... smells of you.
[speaker009:] Ah ah!
[speaker010:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker009:] Your Mum's King Kong.
[Craig:] Oh no!
[speaker010:] [LAUGHTER]... Then....
[speaker009:] Your Dad's Jack the Ripper.
[Craig:] Ah ah ah ah! [LAUGHTER]
[speaker010:] Your Dad's a stupid bastard and he sucks your Mum every night
[Craig:] Ah ah!
[speaker009:] Your Mum's a slut. Ah! Your Mum's a slut.
[speaker010:] Your Mum's a prostitute.
[speaker009:] Ah, your Mum's a prostitute.
[speaker010:] Your Mum's a snail.
[speaker009:] Ah! Your Mum's a snail!