[speaker001:] do you think it'd be a good idea if you started doing some revising I went oh yeah I'll have a think about it
[James:] [LAUGHTER]
[Alistair:] and I sort of like walked out the door and went yeah I've [LAUGHTER] thought about it [].... going to me... all my comments on my thing were really good.
[James:] Mine weren't bad.
[Alistair:] Apart from given you a B yeah on why it's... just hanging in, must try a lot lot harder, gives me a B and then erm... someone gave me a C... someone gave me a C and said... oh yeah gave me a C yeah
[James:] and said coasting.
[Alistair:] gave me a C yeah and said improved greatly from the last showed much better in his work and really trying hard... and gave me a C. yeah, I got f I got, my total marks I could've got was fifty eight and I got fifty four and she gave me a C and she said must improve your marks. And he goes
[speaker001:] Bloody hell.
[Alistair:] he goes nah there must be something wrong with this she go he goes I can't, I don't think we can complain about that can we?
[speaker001:] He's good about that.
[Alistair:] He goes, he goes he goes, he goes
[speaker001:] He doesn't just look at the mark.
[Alistair:] I think we'll scrap cos you missed a week I went [LAUGHTER]
[speaker001:] She averaged practically all of my marks... for some unknown reason. What do you mean? The total amount of marks possible was two hundred and five and I got a hundred and nineteen or something I don't know and, and goes yes I had to average five of his marks because he was absent.... Take averages of the classes. Yeah but how comes for five? I didn't miss five pieces of work, that's impossible. Don't complain.... No I just, I just couldn't work out how he averaged five marks.... I only missed two preps....
[Alistair:] That is strange.
[speaker001:] In fact I only missed one prep.
[Alistair:] Then he goes to me Alistair ex extra curricula and he go erm hockey, cross and rugby and he goes... mm how about a bit of culture? I go er what do you mean? He goes... pottery?
[speaker001:] [LAUGHTER] He said that Julian [] [LAUGHTER]
[Alistair:] And I go sorry, and he goes... makes a jolly good Christmas gift and I go... I can't do it
[speaker001:] [LAUGHTER]
[Alistair:] and he goes how about music
[speaker001:] [LAUGHTER]
[Alistair:] he said erm how about music, are you musically minded? And I go... and he goes... no I didn't think so.
[speaker001:] You've done it! Fucking hell mate.
[Alistair:] What you on about?
[Jimmy:] Oh he goes to me, he goes to me... Jimmy what, he goes, cos I, you know all that extra curricula bit yeah?
[Alistair:] Yeah.
[Jimmy:] I put going down to the English Centre and using the computer
[speaker001:] [LAUGHTER]
[Jimmy:] quiet period.
[speaker001:] Bollocks.
[Jimmy:] and he goes what are you using the quiet, what are you using the erm computers for in your quiet periods? I said well I'm not very good on computers and I've got loads of coursework so I thought if I go down there and type out different pieces of work it would get me familiarized with them
[speaker001:] [shouting] Oh you're such a bullshitter [].
[Jimmy:] and he, and he goes, he goes oh that's a very good idea, he goes don't make it I haven't got
[speaker001:] got a
[Jimmy:] and he goes no neither have I
[speaker001:] Yeah it's yours.
[Jimmy:] he goes and he goes
[Alistair:] It's been recording since you lot have been talking.
[speaker001:] I don't mind. I've got nothing to hide. I don't care either.
[Alistair:] Can you turn...
[speaker001:] Down?... Down or up?
[Alistair:] Down.
[Jimmy:] I'm not bothered either erm and he goes [LAUGHTER] he goes, he goes I haven't got the best handwriting and by the looks of things neither has Mr it's completely changed from the first three weekly you had.
[speaker001:] [LAUGHTER]
[Jimmy:] He goes you haven't got a new R S teacher [LAUGHTER] have you []? I went nah.
[speaker001:] Er nah!... Nah!
[Jimmy:] And he goes to me, he goes to me... so have you thought about my, my suggestion of pottery, I went yeah, and I threw it out the window.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[Alistair:] Cos it was actually quite safe the way you walked in here.
[Jimmy:] It's, it's a really safe bloke actually.
[Alistair:] You walked in and you goes Melissa and Rupert goes [shouting] ooh []! and I could see Rupert [raspberry] and then you go, I go Rupert I go
[Rupert:] She scares me that woman.
[Alistair:] Spanish and he goes, he knew what I was talking about so all of a sudden he goes... ah so tell me a bit about this erm this Melissa so I said
[Rupert:] You're kidding!
[Alistair:] so I said erm
[Rupert:] Oh you git!
[Alistair:] so I said to him erm
[Rupert:] You can't discuss my l bloody life
[Alistair:] So I said erm she's Spanish and he goes ah! Spanish are nice w nice girls
[Rupert:] Oh you git!
[Alistair:] so he goes oh if she's at and he goes ah right, right
[Rupert:] Oh you're such a
[Alistair:] so I had to make conversation then I said erm so how are the old Colts B doing and he goes er... had a bit of a junior
[speaker001:] You made conversation with him!
[Alistair:] junior Colts, sorry junior Colts, and he said erm ah had a bit of a roll at the beginning and then towards the end now we've sort of lost loads in a row so I said, he said alright I said about the same with us... then I was, so I said it's cold and he said mm yes it is rather.
[Jimmy:] What did he say? He goes to me, he goes to me... he goes, I don't actually... he goes if there's one good thing about your three weekly Jimmy... there's never any Ds on it... [shouting] but there's never ever blooming As either why not []?
[Alistair:] [LAUGHTER]
[Jimmy:] So I goes, I went
[Alistair:] Oh my God!
[Jimmy:] well sir... tt I think that er I don't think many teachers like marking my work and he goes oh why's that? I said cos it's not very good
[Alistair:] [LAUGHTER]...
[Jimmy:] and he starts going yes well I think we'd better try and get a few As on there hadn't we and
[speaker001:] I got good end of term report.
[Alistair:] He goes Alistair, what is happening?... The two main subjects that are really gonna matter, maths and English, one says you can't stop mucking around
[speaker001:] Is that English?
[Alistair:] and you ask daft stupid questions
[speaker001:] Is er
[Alistair:] yeah, and then he goes
[speaker001:] he gave me poor result.
[Alistair:] then maths and he goes but maths... he says you're half asleep all the time, I mean you're not doing any work at all. So I said well sir I find maths really boring and I walk into this classroom and it's all painted the same with this blackboard in front and I just find it boring, he goes yes... guess who he was taught by at rugby? Your favourite maths teacher... he was taught by.
[speaker001:] Serious?... Bloody hell. Is he any good at maths?
[Alistair:] No I would say he's crap.
[speaker001:] [LAUGHTER] I thought he might be. Oh shut up! I sat, I'm, I'm sa I'm si I'm sitting there yeah and he goes he goes well
[Alistair:] most expensive
[speaker001:] oi... oi I'm sitting there yeah and he and he, I've got all these marks yeah and he goes oh well that's roughly about seventy percent oh that's about sixty that's about fifty and he goes... yes well there's, there's nothing to worry about, there's no great alarm bells ringing... yet. He said there were warning bells for me. [LAUGHTER] And he said, he said, he said it's n he said, he goes to me, he looks at it for about five minutes and goes... it'll do, it'll do. [LAUGHTER] So I went thanks sir and he goes, he goes
[Alistair:] Price per ton.
[speaker001:] he goes who else is in your neck of the woods, I went It's what he said to me. I was gonna say Alistair but then I thought he's in the loo so I can't. Anyway so he goes is James there and I went yeah and he goes... mm, so I went I think so, I'd better go and get him hadn't I
[Alistair:] But I walk in yeah and he goes... he goes... hold on, now you're Alistair, and I go yeah, and he goes... I think I've just given your three weekly to Jimmy.... And he go I go no I don't think so. And he goes well James came and said, he goes ah so Jimmy found him and he and James goes ooh no Alistair found me.
[speaker001:] Melissa phoned in prep. No.
[Alistair:] Prep, again!
[speaker001:] In prep. I knew that cos Lewis picked it up.
[Alistair:] Lewis picked it up?
[speaker001:] Lewis, yeah.
[Alistair:] Did Lewis speak to you?
[speaker001:] Lou he told me. He said [LAUGHTER] I've got a bit of news for you [] No he came over to the study, he came over to the study and he said er he comes in and he goes He told me. Melissa Rupert goes ooh shit!
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker001:] [LAUGHTER] Oh you're in here []. Yeah. Oh it was really funny Oh sorry aren't I allowed to be Garfield. Yeah yeah yeah Oh it's not Captain Pugwash any more Al.
[Alistair:] What is it?
[speaker001:] Garfield. He's a little fat sweet thing in he? Oh sh Have you seen his slippers? He's got good slippers. No I'm talking about They've got massive eyes on the front of them like out here. can't feel anything anyway you tit. What's wrong with it. It's dead innit? and I can't feel it. [shouting] It's dead innit [] Jimmy we're being recorded on a linguistics tape. Are we? Yeah. This looks really good this little... thing. It's called be free. Hello in there [shouting] ah ah ah oh Jim oh oh oh [] There's widespread bullying. Ah ah ah ah ah! [LAUGHTER] Oh shut up. tickle ah [LAUGHTER] He doesn't tickle that side []. That sounds really bad on the tape when you beat him up. Ah ah ah ah! I wasn't beating him up I was tickling him. [whingeing] No it doesn't tickle it hurts []. No do
[Alistair:] No not again.
[speaker001:] I've got bad indigestion. [LAUGHTER] You lying git. [LAUGHTER] Indigestion [].
[Alistair:] That's what you get when you're an old bastard.
[speaker001:] Or trapped wind, whatever you wanna call it. [LAUGHTER] farts.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker001:] Oh no that's not recording is it? Yes it is.
[Alistair:] It's been recording since you came in....
[speaker001:] just swear? [LAUGHTER]
[Alistair:] I can't remember, did you? Eh soon find out.
[speaker001:] [LAUGHTER]
[Alistair:] It doesn't matter it's been recording for ages.
[speaker001:] [cough] So what, where's this page and a half that you said Oh please can I just have a look [shouting] No []!
[Alistair:] To see how well it's copied out the book. [LAUGHTER]
[speaker001:] Do as your big brother tells you.
[Alistair:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker001:] Why? What for? You might wanna, you've never written that much in your life. [LAUGHTER] [shouting] Ah ah ah [] [LAUGHTER] Don't swear! [LAUGHTER] Cameron don't poke him with long poles. [LAUGHTER] Bet that bleeding hurt. Get lost I'm trying to do my chemistry prep. You are stupid! [belch] Cameron you really shouldn't poke your poles up his bottom. [LAUGHTER] Thanks Jim. Why do you? No I don't. Oh bollocks I can't write that it's a bit of the old incest. That's disgusting, Just let me have a quick look [LAUGHTER] Have you two got the same prep? Yeah. We have most things, we have most things the same.
[Jimmy:] Yeah cos they're all in the same set, cos they're, cos they're bo cos all of them are thick.
[speaker001:] And what are you in Jimmy?
[Jimmy:] I'm in the sets above them.
[speaker001:] So he should be in the set below us. [LAUGHTER] Ah that really hurt that I'm in set free for French. Set free. [LAUGHTER] Three! Set three for science. Spelt F R E E.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker001:] Jimmy you're on a linguistic
[Jimmy:] I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in I'm in
[speaker001:] are you? [LAUGHTER]
[Jimmy:] I'm in the same set, I'm in the same set for him as maths.
[speaker001:] [spelling] M A F S []. And history.
[Jimmy:] And history.
[Alistair:] That's alright that one.
[Jimmy:] What else am I in?
[speaker001:] Begun with an H.... Turn up the music a bit. First of all you tell me to turn it down and then you tell me to turn it up. another bit of music for about two minutes. I'll have to get up tonight fucking loads of work to do. You always have loads of work [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER] Hey that's my job, leave him alone. [LAUGHTER] How's it going Garf? Garf? Garfield. Oh. Oh yeah he does look a bit like Garfield. Do you wanna sod off! Is that, whose, is that yours Alistair?...
[Alistair:] What?
[speaker001:] The speaking into [LAUGHTER] a banana [].
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker001:] What's he on? A monkey talking to a banana. Why do you think it's rude Nick? Yes. A monkey talking to the banana He's speaking to it what he's doing with that. [shouting] Oi I need that []. So do I. It's my sheet. It's the telephone James. Oh shut up. Yeah at twenty past. Yeah he's supposed to be in bed by... Oh I'd better go. Yes I think you'd better. Right okay. I'll see you later mate. See you. Yeah but don't forget to try again.... And tell her to pick me up at ten thirty. Not ten thirty, twelve thirty. Ten thirty? You gonna skive lessons? Truancy. Truancy. Yeah. Whose is the other one? See we're not nought percent, the other one [LAUGHTER] Whose is the other one?... [LAUGHTER] Thanks Nick. [LAUGHTER]... Oh my God! [LAUGHTER] I haven't seen that one before [] That was house, last year. He was off his face a bit. Christmas celebration. Pissed as a fart.... You're not meant to do that, it's not meant to be like that. Right see you, bye. Well it is now innit? What's that? Linguistics. [singing] [] Yeah! Do they give you headphones as well? Do you get to keep them? [cough] Oh yeah! No but wants to know if you get to keep all the tapes cos he want to them all. I know. He's gonna He's gonna chief them. Chief 'em he's gonna chaff 'em all. He's going to take them without you're knowing. Mm. James. Spastic. More reactive metals are more abundant in the earth's crust as one can see by looking at the grass. I can't think what else to write. Oh hold on. I've just been doing the wrong question.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker001:] I called it question one it's question six, oopsy, seven. Using the table two, where's that? [cough] Thanks James, here we are. I've done that. [cough] and try to explain why gold is more expensive than silver.... Gold is the Well she'd just be calling back about now. abundant. My little friend. Gold is the least abundant [shouting] I need that []. and [shouting] Why []? least reactive Oh no. Aluminium is more expensive than iron. Please could you refrain from using such a Aluminium is more expensive than iron as it is disrupting my mind patterns. Yeah? [LAUGHTER] because it Oh mate! is take it down Hertford. harder I'll take it round Simon extract and get the Which is worse product out. copper is more expensive than aluminium.... [LAUGHTER] Oi will you give me the question sheet, I need it! No, wait. Buy your own. It is mine! are not the only factors that affect the price of metals other factors might be important. Is that the last question? No.... We've got chemistry. We haven't got chemistry till the afternoon. I know. I know. I don't know why I'm doing it. easily found... Right on. They'll get bust and erm He'll sit on them. [LAUGHTER] Well no but if I do bust 'em Whether or not they are easily found Can you buy them again? or easily What? ex Oh cos I wanna get some headphones cos extracted earphones just sort of pl go on the outside of your ear whereas the er headphones actually go inside your ears. It saves battery power that's all.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker001:] Cos you How can you save battery power? No cos you, you only have to have it on volume three to get the same amount of noise out... instead of volume two. So if you're playing rave and you have it on volume two really really Easily extracted I've gotta get a new pair of headphones I don't know, I was listening to one of my headphones, alright I pulled it out And it broke. and like a little speaker bit stayed inside my ear and the outer bit came out and I don't know what happened cos they were alright before. It is easily obtained. Have you seen Mark 's erm earphones? Headphones. Like in gold, they're sort of I mean they're not real gold, gold plated on the outside. Question nine. Imagine a world in which gold and silver were cheap but iron and aluminium were rare, what advantages would there be making a car from gold instead of iron and saucepans from silver instead of aluminium. Well he's got two Walkmans himself, his mum's got one, his brother's got one. They're all like really flush gits. reactive, reactive and Who? turn it down, and it's on volume one or something.... This doesn't make sense. I can't be bothered to do this. [cough] I'm doing question ten tomorrow.... Hit all the lights, let's have some light in this room. This is such a massive room, there's so many lights.
[Alistair:] It's freezing as well.... Absolutely freezing. Freezing freezing freezing freezing bloody hell it's cold.
[Jimmy:] It is freezing cold and here we are in lessons ready to get completely bored by our headmaster Mr Jimmy...
[Alistair:] Yes thank you Jimmy....
[speaker001:] Go on chuck it on someone's head, go on.
[Jimmy:] Shall I chuck it?
[speaker001:] Yeah. Just chuck it.... [belch] Go on jump down and get it. ! Disgusting. How dare you. It wasn't me.... God you lot are awful. Yes sir. You sure? Yeah po Yeah I've just been through there. I'll just check again. [LAUGHTER] liar. He's lying. Eh? Sir it's locked.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker001:] It's a good thing he made you check wasn't it? That man who was shouting was Mr a complete and utter headcase. Sir can you chuck the keys up and unlock it. And then keep the keys. I wouldn't trust him with the keys.... I wouldn't trust him with anything. I wouldn't trust him Yeah go on sir. I wouldn't sir. I'll guess. it's the big one, the big. Oh I've got the I can see it fr Er that one there. Got you. That's not the big one sir. Yeah. Cheers. Which one is it? The one with the big teeth. It's the one with the big teeth. Got it.... Yeah.
[Alistair:] This Julian person we're referring to is, is a complete and utter crimple
[speaker001:] Complete and utter. And he's a bit ooh Julian, Julian, Julian, Roberto hairdresser, that kind of Sir I've done it.... Sir mind your eyes sir. Well caught sir. ...! Ollie what have you done to the back of your jacket? [LAUGHTER]
[Alistair:] think I might stop now as there's too, recording's gonna be getting a bit difficult.
[Rupert:] Oh no!
[Jimmy:] What?...
[Rupert:] Something's going on.
[Jimmy:] What?
[Alistair:] I think I've got the wrong battery.
[Jimmy:] What am I like? Dunno.
[Alistair:] We are now in the studies... What's this?
[speaker001:] ... [music] Oh no, lots of work. How horrible.......
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] ...
[speaker001:] Right. What's going on? Maths project... on drugs. Right. Now the formula is either a half or minus one times minus two or or it's a half N minus one times N minus two over two. Have you got a pen? And it's for one of the regions it's a closed one. Which regions? What is it? Half... Lines to closed regions?... Are you talking about regions? No, half N minus one.... Half brackets N minus one.... Yeah.... Times N minus two... What are you doing? And I'm not sure if it's over two or not.... [shouting] You are a sad bastard []. Thank you. this? Leave it. What's it doing? Recording what we're saying, linguistics thing for Norway. Really? So is it recording me? yeah. Yes. It's recording you personally You see this thing did you buy this separately or did it come in the Walkman? We were lent them. Lent them? Yeah. By who? Norwegian government.... No b university. These or the Walkmans as well? Both. Does the Walkman have to be a special type?... No to record that. But I mean like could you plug that into a normal Walkman?... Don't know. had a record button. Yeah you can. But it has to have a record button? Yeah. Yeah. That's got a record button. I can see, I can see it's got a record button. [LAUGHTER] Yeah I just thought I'd point it out to you. I know you did. Can we listen to this? Can we wind it back and listen to it? No! No recorded lots of conversations. Ru can I borrow some of your erm, just a little bit?
[Rupert:] No.
[speaker001:] Why?
[Rupert:] Cos I need it.
[speaker001:] The bastard. Have you got any Ji ple er Ru please!
[Rupert:] No.
[speaker001:] Please!
[Rupert:] That's all I've got till the end of term.
[speaker001:] Please!
[Rupert:] No.
[speaker001:] Please. If I bring you in a bottle of concentrate?
[Rupert:] No.
[speaker001:] You do know what he just said? A bottle.... I'll bring you in a bottle of concentrate. Concentrate of what? Floor cleaner.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker001:] Ah listen right, our cleaner upstairs yeah you know sh that these cleaners the new ones we've got are really good yeah? Yeah. The cleaner upstairs, she asked me to find out what kind of cakes everybody liked cos she's buying every single person an individual, like you know, a single cake for everybody. Not like a big one to share like she's buying everybody a cake each. It's fucking brilliant. The one who's down here as well? Shit they didn't record that did they? It doesn't matter. Well I said a rude word. [LAUGHTER] Well no it doesn't matter er Anonymity guaranteed. it doesn't matter Anonymity
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker001:] Pissing hell! Anona anona [shouting] anonymity [] That's the one. Yeah. is guaranteed so it doesn't really matter. And then just use bits of the tapes. So they won't use I should imagine. they won't use the bit where we say fuck fuck fuck [LAUGHTER] Fuck. she, she's brilliant so we're gonna ask if she can be, well we've asked, she's coming to our house dinner you know... ask that bloke. Well what, what are you gonna do, go up and ask the bloke oh can you buy me [LAUGHTER] a cake []? [LAUGHTER] Well no but he's not our cleaner. No that's what cleaner, she's... Oh right. Yeah. Cos she's down here quite a lot of the time. Yeah. Yeah but she's only down here to get things from the cleaning cupboard and stuff. I've seen, I've seen her sweeping. She swept earlier on today! She sweeps everywhere continually, she always sleeping, sweeping isn't she? I know er she sweeps in the hearth at lunchtime I know and first thing in the morning. I know th they're brilliant she's She's really good. And they're really friendly as well aren't they? I know. They're always saying hello She's, she's, she's really friendly right. driving past in that little Rascal van That, that woman yeah she's upstairs and you go up there in the morning and she's on her hands and knees on your carpet sweeping your carpet cos she hasn't got a hoover. Oh we get a hoover.... But she's on your cheapos Have you worked out or not? No she said she Well can I just lift this up and just like speak into it? Yeah it's recording you know it's [whistling] sensitive, don't cos that sounds really bad. Oh I see the level thing comes up. If you [shouting] shout does it go even [] oh it does just about go higher. Yeah Wow! No go and have some more scintillating conversation with Ross. Go and speak to Ross. Oh you fucking reek of onion as well. Don't you like onion? No. [LAUGHTER] Do you know what Charlie said to him tonight? No what did he, what did he say? Yeah he's gonna take him to the master. Charlie is gonna take James to the master. Yes. But you could you could bug someone probably like say that was covered up you could talk to them and make, they wouldn't even realize they were being Shut up will you. Sorry I thought that was quite Could you, could you plug this into like a dictaphone? Yeah. Yeah as long as it's got a recording Well of course dictaphones have always got records on them, that's why they're called dictaphones. Oh sorry. Yeah cos you dictate into them. Oh be quiet! [mimicking] Oh be quiet [] and will it pick it up as well if you do that? If I do that. Yes it can pick it up. Yeah it picks everything up. Look. that's brilliant. Shit I've gotta get one of these. if you pick another button it tells you how much battery power you've got left. Look.... Look that's how much battery power I've got left. You've got loads basically. Yeah. He's got four packets of batteries.... And about ten tapes. Hang on a minute.... have you seen the tapes as well? What all supplied by the Norwegian government? Have you seen the tapes? Have you seen these tapes? Well of course I have.... Brilliant tapes. Shit! C D recording type.... What and they're all supplied by the Norwegian government? streamlined as well all rounded at the edge. Yeah that's, they're new cases here though are, well no have you seen the cases here they're even more, they're even more than that. I know. You know you said these were all by the, are you, when are you going to Norway? Are you going with like No. Is he going to Norway! They're being sent to Norway cos they are, they are I said when is he going to Norway not is he going I'm not going to Norway. The lady came here on, on, when was it?... Thursday Well what, what how come, why, well who did she talk to? Anyone in No it was offered, it was offered around and me and said yeah we'd do it. It's a linguistic thing to find out how upper class exclusive We're, we're known as upper class teenagers. [mimicking] Oh, oh we're upper class school children are we now? Oh that's fantastic []! No you're not.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker001:] You can try. [LAUGHTER] That's exactly what he sounds like when it's played back. What? When I talk on it. [mimicking] When I talk on it []. He listens, he listens to it afterwards and he goes... no I can't understand, well [mimicking] now I can, now I can understand why they take the piss out of me for my voice []. [LAUGHTER] Oh shut up. Don't, it's so sensitive I promise. [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER] Look the recording level is Yeah so, so then who did she offer it round to?... Charlie ch ch Mr came and said, Charlie, came and said erm Charlie? Yeah Yeah the bald one. The, what the bald, fat coot? [LAUGHTER] Came and said okay who wants to do this and me and said yeah we'd do it. The little cunt who made me parade in front of him at eight thirty in the morning so I erm That's the one.... Pardon me. We'll probably, you'll probably have someone like Mr listening to this tape. Good, fuck off Mr
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker001:] No just take, just take them back. oh it was brilliant. ah he was so class, he was brilliant. He's so He's, he's he's so much better than Mr Shit that's good. Can we listen back to it please, can we just listen to it and we'll go back to the same place? can't cos I have to take it out and Oh just quick! No cos I have to plug in earphones. No you don't. Yes I do. Can't you plug it into the stereo? No. Yeah but I just don't want to have to take it out What the fuck's this? Just leave, Ben just leave it. marked on the Is this so you can make... do they let you keep the stuff at the end? Oh right on! [LAUGHTER]... That'd be quite good.... [whistling] Don't cos I swear when it, I did that and it sounds... deafening cos th look how high the recording level is. But it's always that high even when I'm speaking now it's going that high. No but recording level here is on ten, I'm not sure I'll turn it down. [whistling] Right it's low. oh it is.... You could put it like, like that couldn't you? No cos I don't like you. How long have you got it for? Till Friday. Till Friday, is that all? Mm. This Friday? Next week. Next week. When did you get it? Thursday. Yesterday?... I haven't done one tape, this is my first tape and the first side.... [LAUGHTER] Oh she's gonna be pleased with you [] No How many tapes did she give you? Ten. Do you have to give them all back? No! Come on No. We're upper class teenagers Ben. So? Not young louts. well one of us is a young lout, we won't say who.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker001:] Give me one please. Can I have one please? No. Thank you. Just cos it's your birthday I might as well give you one I suppose It's my birthday but I didn't tell anyone cos I don't want a cold bath. I almost got away with it until saw two letters
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker001:] Ah these taste disgusting, what are they? [LAUGHTER] Pear drops. I love them. That's something you take when you're feeling ill. [LAUGHTER] You're not kidding. No well you don't have to take them when you're ill, you're allowed to take them when you're feeling alright an'all. Am I?... Yeah.... There's no point in staring at it, it's not gonna say hello. [LAUGHTER] Hello! It might do. Hey did you see the helicopter? I know. Fucking low. No it was low Wonder if they realize that upper class teenagers like us say fuck rather a lot. [LAUGHTER] Did they realize do you think?... They realize now. Go on Jimmy, what's your comment on this? Oh fuck ... We could listen to these all at the end.... conversation. Actually you should like After you finish your first tape can we rewind it and so we can all listen to it and then rewind it back so they don't You should so they don't know we've done it. well you should copy these tapes [LAUGHTER] no listen right you should copy these cos when you're like older you're gonna want to erm listen to what you used to say and like what it used to be like and you've got about ten tapes that you don't wanna use? [LAUGHTER] No but just one tape see, I mean one... and then when you're older you'll have a tape of what you used to sound like. Why do Nor why do Norwegian people To know how we speak. But wh what do they care?... Norwegian, can they speak English? Yeah. [LAUGHTER] Suppose they can. But why do they want them, I mean what are they gonna use it for?... I don't know. I think I've just spelt friends wrong haven't I?... How do you spell friend? No that's right.... That's it. No it's E I. Friend, friends.... Friend friends? Friends, occupation... age fifteen that? Is that me? Well how comes you've got me down there already? It's what I have to do. Oh go away otherwise you'll be on the tape. Fuck off we don't want you on the tape. [LAUGHTER] They don't wanna know that we have upper class children like you here.... Au revoir. Or [mimicking] sprechen [] as they say in Norway [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER] Shut up Ben. [LAUGHTER] Norwegians [] They'll probably send some bloke over to do you over. [LAUGHTER]... as well. You can soon go and ask them cos some git's gonna be coming over and hitting you for taking the [mimicking] []... [LAUGHTER] What the hell's he doing? Being very drunk, that's what he's doing. Why's he dressed as a clown? He's not he's dressed as Father Christmas! Father Christmas!... Well why's he got on like a big thing round his neck, a ruff. [LAUGHTER] [shouting] It's a beard you idiot []. It's not a fucking beard, that's not what a beard l if he could ever grow a beard like that I'd bloody give him [LAUGHTER] Yeah. A blow job. you've still got this poster, What poster? Which poster? Shut up. do you know why she did it? I went erm excuse me can you clean something please, like this yeah [LAUGHTER] and she kind of went [mimicking] you little shit, I'm gonna get my husband to come and break your legs [] No Ben, please. You're just ruining it I promise, I won't ruin it I promise. Read that. No no I just wanna Oh is it?
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [mimicking] []
[speaker001:] You can have Piers, not literally, I mean just on the tape. [LAUGHTER] Well you can have him on the tape [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER] which is on top of the table [].... [whistling] Do you mind! Well why don't you go and sit down there? Cos it's more comfortable here. I said why don't you go and sit down there. [whingeing] Oh [] I am sitting down here thank you very [LAUGHTER] Yes! Ah! Ah ah ah. There it is, I found it. What, the problem page? Yeah. You are [LAUGHTER] That's what you need []. [LAUGHTER] Oh read 'em out, give them a laugh, they probably don't get Sky in Sweden or Norway. No. Let me find a good one. Yeah please let him read them out.... Go on. Otherwise it's stupid. There's no point in me doing it I mean if I could just hear Ben going ah ah ah You've squashed my shoe! ... Get out!... Yeah. Out....
[Ben:] [LAUGHTER] Listen to this... [reading] I think you should feature a special one off page on different types of masturbation techniques for men, most of us learn from our experiments, what do you think? [LAUGHTER] [] I spent many sleepless nights tossing and turning [reading+laughing] []
[speaker001:] [LAUGHTER]
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] ...
[speaker001:] I'm gonna do my chemistry. Haven't you finished? In the early nineteen eighties the recession in industrialized countries caused the price of aluminium to fall [cough]... so the Jamaicans... not need to mine... I'm not doing any maths I can't concentrate on maths. as quickly as normal. because the... need for it... was not as great.... [singing] [] Ben shut up, you can't sing. That's right. Are you in a squeak society? Mhm I'm in three squeak societies, four squeak societies. Ben That's embarrassing. Oh no not that one. We can't have a squeak in this room. Get out. I'm not a fucking squeak I'm just in a choir. [LAUGHTER] Yeah, precisely []. [LAUGHTER] Ah that just shows your ignorance dunnit really? Yeah I'm a member of that one. Shows my ignorance. Yeah if you weren't ignorant you'd know there's four parts to a choir and not just one section. [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER] With a laugh like that you've gotta be. [LAUGHTER] Oh you're so funny. Sorry it's your sorry it's your birthday I shouldn't say anything. It's alright I know I take the piss out of you every other day of the year but today I will not from now on. You have been. You never take the piss out of me.... You'd better start then I suppose. [LAUGHTER]... [LAUGHTER] [reading] My boyfriend and I have been going out for six weeks and everything is wonderful but it takes me honestly two hours to reach orgasm. I often find myself [reading+laughing] bonking into unconsciousness before I can come [] Unconsciousness! [LAUGHTER] I think she's joking []. [LAUGHTER] You stupid sod. [LAUGHTER]... Who you talking to? See you later Mark, get your hair cut while you're there. [shouting] Poofter [] [LAUGHTER] You nineteen quid. [LAUGHTER] No listen, listen [] you've gotta listen to this... [reading] my girlfriend and I have sex whenever we can and really enjoy it oral sex but we have heard that sexually transmitted diseases can be passed on by drinking each other 's juices from oral sex, is this true []? drinking juice from oral sex the glass gets in the way, the carton falls over and [LAUGHTER] bent straws []
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker001:] So stupid.... Now I'm going to do some work.... See you later Yeah see you later.... Gotta make sure Grub hasn't nicked anything he's a dodgy little geezer. Dodgy little geezer. I'm not a dodgy little geezer.... Yeah! I'm not a dodgy k [shouting] Shut up []. How much more of this tape? Oh I haven't got much to go now. Okay What? Nothing. listen to this, [reading] I'm becoming increasingly aware that my landlady's been making sexual passes at me, I didn't take them seriously until she climbed in the shower with me []
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker001:] Oh no!... [singing] Mm la la la la [] I'm bored, bored bored bored. Chemistry, physics, Spanish. Chemistry none, physics none... Spanish... none. Have you stopped that blinking tape yet? No. Haven't got much to go though. Thought we were doing the other side. You can give me a few at a time if you like. I've only got two left. Oh have you? Hard luck.... That one Read it. and that one. Read it. Actually not that top one.... Ben do you mind erm breaking the study every time you sit down? I haven't broken the fucking furniture. [belch] Yes you have. Is this today's paper? What? Today's paper. Rupert. Is it over here?... Oh hold on I've got it. No you haven't. Yes I have.... This is awful about these kids. Yeah. So bad.... Imagine being one of their parents.... Are we still working on those jobby, jobs today... in physics? No watch the video. Oh yeah... Oh we could tape, tape 's lesson. Yeah! And then if he asks you what you're doing just say it's for like, you know, a project we're supposed to be doing. No cos it's meant to be... normal conversation. Well it will be a conversation, it'll be a lesson, we have conversations in lessons.... And they'll be able to experience what you say to each other whilst you're having lessons in England. No it's not very practical. [LAUGHTER] Yeah all you here is [] practical. Practical. Practical. Well fair enough, but it's not very practical therefore who's marking his work? alright, who's marking his work, Steve 's work, er
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] ...
[speaker001:] Mr... Mr what are you doing?... Ah! Oh my God No listen to this one No wait wait wait wait, go on. [reading] I've been dating a wonderful chick for two years now but she's just too frigid, sex is out of the question so one night I masturbated and pulled too hard on the sensitive part of my penis, now the tissues around the foreskin are swollen and septic but I'm too distressed and embarrassed to see a doctor and my f girlfriend wants nothing to do with me, I find it hard to urinate what can I do []? Well I don't know what you're doing now Commit suicide quick. You know how they say they were driving home... to erm Who? you know this erm erm minibus crash? Oh yeah. Erm [reading] most were dozing as the minibus headed home in the small hours from the ni the school's prom concert at the Royal Albert Hall in London, the impact as the Ford Transit driven by the teacher Emma Fry thirty five, ploughed into the back of a stationary motorway maintenance lorry []... Mm? And that's, that's what they did, they hit a stationary I know but do you know what, do know what I reckon do you know what I reckon happened? What? I reckon the teacher fell asleep at the wheel.... No. Why?... Oh it could easily be.... It's like obvious. [reading] The three survivors were pulled clear as the er in the, in the moment before the vehicle exploded into a ball of flame []....
[Alistair:] He gave me a fucking bad ticket the bastard.
[Ben:] He gave me one too you know.
[Alistair:] Yeah but I got more than you.
[Ben:] What did you get?
[Alistair:] Shit I, I was on the wrong prep and bad mark
[Ben:] What d'ya get?
[Alistair:] Three out of twenty.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[Alistair:] And he gave me a bad ticket, bastard.
[speaker001:] Who's that, Rupert?
[Ben:] I got one.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker001:] Charlie got
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker001:] kicked in the door as well. Same day I kicked in the door. Yeah I thought you kicked the door because you did that? No. No he just walked through the door and the panel fell I walked in the door and the fucking panel fell out. Literally walked through the door? [LAUGHTER] Yeah []. Well no, Well you know when you walk through the door out there you put your foot like that and go well Rupert went like that and but his foot went straight through [LAUGHTER] They're such cheapskates you know they put the same panel back on. Yeah on the other side. They've just put a new piece of wood on the back. But wouldn't it just be cheaper to buy the new, new, just buy a new, just buy a new panel Well it wouldn't be cheaper. No they just put chipboard behind it... so it stays there. It's just 's such a cheapskate. This school is so cheap! We have like, we have hundreds of crap facilities rather than just a few good ones. [LAUGHTER] And we can't even get a decent... piece of grub round this place now. We can't even, and the worse thing is we can't even get a decent piece of grub round this place any more. [LAUGHTER]
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]...
[speaker001:] We can't even get a decent piece of grub. No it sounds like you're meant to be doing. No look speak normally because speak normally [mimicking] Speak normally [] Biggest ever bag. [LAUGHTER] It's fucking massive [] yeah the bag's big but what you get inside is exactly the same.... nice to have a little bit of your concentrate. [shouting] No []! Please. No it's mine, it's all mine.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] ...
[speaker001:] Rain Man was on tonight. I know. Actually I tell you one good thing about being in this choir yeah, I'm in this little choir tonight, choir yeah, So's casual sex. which is only about
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker001:] which is only, which is only about like eight or nine people yeah? Oh so you're the creme de la choir. and we've got to, we've got to sing for the master Creme de la and his, and his friends and that yeah and erm so we're all, we don't have to go to supper and we're getting, we're all getting His friends? pizza from Pizzahut. His friends, he hasn't got any friends. Well okay then, acquaintances. [LAUGHTER] Well it's not my fault he's a bastard. We all get in there and he goes [singing] sit down please [] [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER] did you see about half the people sat down before he [] I know. And then everyone stood up again. It was well funny. He goes [mimicking] now you may sit down please [].
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker001:] Did he? Did he say now? Did you hear him at chapel? He goes [singing] [] [LAUGHTER] [singing] [] [LAUGHTER] it's not funny, you can't take the piss out of all those poor people that died. I'm not I'm taking the piss out the way he said it.... There's a difference. Oh sure it's still disrespectful. No it's not. [shouting] No it isn't []. Yes it is. No it's not disrespectful to how he said something. It's not. It's just the way he speaks, he's, he was trying to put across a really serious point. [LAUGHTER] He was trying to put across a serious point. Yes, yeah he was trying to put across a serious point but he didn't really succeed cos everybody just takes the piss out of his voice. That's just the way he speaks though. No I, I didn't I didn't take the piss out of him, I listened, I actually Okay, okay, okay Listen, listen, listen I'm not taking the piss out of the point cos I know the point's very serious but I'm taking the piss out of the way he said it cos I think he sounded stupid but that doesn't mean I have any disrespect for erm... Innocent little children. Yeah, quite. Very sad. Well they're not so much children actually they were about eighteen. twelve. Twelve. We're talking about the people who died in the first world war. taking the piss out of them. I thought you were talking about this morning. No I was taking the piss out of when you were in the remembrance service when No we're not talking about today! Oh. Oh you stupid It is! It's not. [mimicking] It is []. They died so we could live. Yeah I know all that but I'm not taking the piss out of that cos obviously the way he said it! Probably shagging some camel or something. [LAUGHTER] Shagging some why would they be [LAUGHTER] shagging a camel []? Not but they might be shagging camels and then... all the camels got [LAUGHTER]
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker001:] they say the British were shagging penguins
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] ...
[speaker001:] Let me just put this on pause for a bit.