[Jock:] What is that?
[James:] It's a microphone. Yeah. Don't touch that bit.
[Jock:] [singing] So you're gonna record people talking to you?
[James:] What?
[Jock:] So you're gonna record people talking to you?
[James:] It's recording here.
[Jock:] So,wh who are you gonna give it to?
[James:] What? university or something. Doing a study on
[Jock:] university it's crap.
[James:] [LAUGHTER]
[Jock:] Don't you.
[James:] Oh shut up.
[Jock:] Now you can go no, it's uni university in the country and
[speaker003:] They up here?
[James:] Yeah.
[speaker003:] Are you doing it now?
[James:] Yeah.
[speaker003:] Do this level thing does so when you go [shouting] la []
[James:] [LAUGHTER]
[Jock:] [LAUGHTER]
[James:] I'm gonna record
[Jock:] [shouting] hello [] [LAUGHTER] A bit, bit concerned about my, my, my state of mentality.
[James:] Yeah, yeah Call you What?
[speaker003:] okey dokey crap
[James:] Bugger.
[speaker003:] Bugger.
[Jock:] Name, first name... bogie [LAUGHTER]
[James:] [LAUGHTER]
[Jock:] [LAUGHTER] occupation [LAUGHTER] like... none.
[James:] housemaster [LAUGHTER]
[Jock:] Allegedly [LAUGHTER] No, [LAUGHTER]
[speaker003:] Age seventy plus.
[Jock:] Allegedly [LAUGHTER]
[James:] Oh look, seems different to what I was doing.
[speaker003:] What were you doing?
[James:] Well I
[Jock:] Oh cool this is different wicked.
[speaker003:] what were you doing?
[James:] Er I was actually er doing conversations with all these tapes,
[speaker003:] So you don't need to put your posh voice on this tape?
[James:] Hey, hey, hey.
[Jock:] I hope this really university
[James:] Bergen.
[Jock:] Burgundy?
[speaker003:] Burgundy.
[James:] Bergen.
[Jock:] Bergen
[speaker003:] Bergen
[Jock:] Bergen yeah, I heard it was really shit.
[speaker003:] Yeah I was told by Mr it was like one of the worst
[Jock:] Didn't that didn't Mr say that it was really crap
[speaker003:] Don't know, I can't understand it I can't
[James:] Yeah, I get you. The problem is.
[Jock:] What?
[James:] [sigh] that is a babe. She's getting married to erm... Nigel Kennedy or somebody, Kennedy's front page, look.
[Jock:] Nigel Kennedy? Oh, Kennedy... President?
[James:] Yeah. Yeah.
[Jock:] Didn't know that. I want some coffee
[James:] Coffee, I need coffee.
[Jock:] Chocolate, hot chocolate.
[James:] [whistling] What's your honest opinion
[Jock:] Crap [LAUGHTER] No, I like some of it, honestly I like some of it, but some of it's really shit, but it's sort of movement really. If you've got a bad head
[William:] just weird isn't it. I mean sometimes you expect him to laugh and he doesn't laugh... like he says something funny and I say something funny back to him, but he doesn't laugh.
[Jock:] [belch] Pardon me. [LAUGHTER] Yeah []
[William:] Such a fat waddles along I bet it's quite good actually.
[James:] You changed your R S project?
[William:] That's on the first question. How many questions do you have to do?
[James:] Five.
[William:] Five questions? How many pages have you done? look at the spacing out I mean you've probably got about three words.
[James:] Oh shut up what are you on about three words per line?
[William:] How l how long you had to do that?
[James:] Hello. You've got a week and a bit to do four questions.
[Jock:] Five.
[James:] Five questions.
[William:] I bet he'll be spending all weekend, this weekend doing it.
[Jock:] Yeah. really interesting offer
[William:] Where? Oh yeah
[James:] Oh God
[William:] It said special features... a beach.
[James:] Of a beach, a weighing machine actually.
[William:] probably got about two centimetres
[Jock:] Beach is really good cos it's like all the beach is like a tiled area where you sit down.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[Jock:] And the painted palm trees on a
[William:] On a wall.
[James:] I know but they're all the same those places, there all... get bored with them in about five minutes.
[Jock:] Have you recorded it all?
[William:] I'm still cold.
[Jock:] If it is, if it is Saturday, we won't seriously play rugby
[William:] It depends really pissed or frozen.
[James:] We will
[William:] You're telling me you wanna run around in a pair of shorts
[James:] He's not playing anyway.
[Jock:] I'm not playing.
[William:] Why not? Why?
[Jock:] Dunno. Been dropped. Crap. No, it's
[James:] Who's taken your place, there's Chris Smith at full-back on the wing
[Jock:] Yeah.
[James:] That's all right I suppose.
[Jock:] missing them.
[William:] Oh cos you've gotta have a good in kicking
[Jock:] Actually he didn he didn't kick too badly the other day.
[William:] Oh yeah, and last night Jimmy kicked it right into the middle of the field and that. He didn he didn't kick it, he wasn't that bad it's just Jimmy No, he wasn't that bad but he, he just tried a bit like
[James:] I know. really simple gets steep as well
[William:] coffee.
[Jock:] Is your weakness.
[William:] Yeah, I don't mind.
[Jock:] What did you get?
[William:] Four As, four Bs and two Cs.
[James:] I got four As, four Bs a C and a D.
[Jock:] Who did you get the As off? I bet you I got Physics, Chemistry, English Geog Geography.
[William:] See I told you man he gets an A with every woman teacher that he has. Ev crook Oh, that is sick.
[Jock:] I might get one A from really
[William:] She said I was doing really well.
[Jock:] She said I was doing well until I fucked off to
[William:] Yeah, it was really good.
[Jock:] I was doing really well and I'm really
[William:] You're disgusting
[Jock:] tests every one else is getting fifty per cent
[William:] Geog ninety-eight
[Jock:] Forty per cent 's enough
[William:] Here Jim
[Jock:] Seven per cent
[James:] Nick Pratt gets more than me. So does
[William:] Nick Pratt
[Jock:] Excuse me, excuse me... who came first in the Chemistry exam?
[James:] Could have been on that. Fat bastard. So you're gonna just be a reserve for the A.
[William:] Mhm I wanna go to because then I get a and it takes me about half an hour to get home.
[James:] Yeah, well go, go down to the station.
[William:] If that if that mucks up then tough.
[Jock:] Why?
[William:] will have to ring my mum and we will probably told like... and my mum's working on Saturday I think.
[Jock:] Can't you just get a train into London?
[William:] Well that costs more, that costs about five quid and I won't have
[Jock:] No, its three-fifty.
[William:] Yeah, three-fifty it's erm... it's more than we would have if we weren't playing.
[Jock:] Yeah, three-fifty gets through to London.
[William:] Then I've gotta another I've gotta pay another quid or something
[Jock:] underground London.
[William:] What, three pounds?
[Jock:] Yeah, three-fifty.
[William:] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, I've got that, sorry, yeah.
[Jock:] Well I can't do it now, I've got to pay something like six-ninety.
[William:] [LAUGHTER] You've gotta pay two quid, two pound no three pounds.
[Jock:] Three ten on the tubes yeah.
[William:] It's only one-thirty for me.
[Jock:] I know, exactly, you're so sad.
[William:] Jock skint.
[Jock:] Well it's not as if you've like come into loads of money when you suddenly turn sixteen is it?
[William:] I think you should be about eighteen.
[Jock:] Well they just more money that's all.
[William:] People like me I can get away with it, I get
[Jock:] No, I was just getting charged full fares when I was like thirteen.
[William:] What's this on?
[Jock:] Erm the buses.
[William:] Why?
[Jock:] Cos I looked, I looked about over sixteen. Some drivers I did, some drivers believe me.
[William:] Yeah, I came I went up about a year ago, I remember when I went down to Hertford in the yeah, I said I, I forgot to say what ticket and they automatically give you an adult don't they?
[Jock:] Yeah, yeah, you save yeah, I know.
[William:] And I say can I go to Hertford please and they didn't ask me how old I was, they just like the next thing I knew I was whacked out this six hundred quid ticket.
[Jock:] I know, and you don't feel like arguing, cos there's like a massive queue behind you.
[William:] Yeah and then you got any identity please.
[Jock:] identity. [whistling]
[William:] seriously by the time... yeah, you get a bus out of here, say it's cancelled you leave at twelve o'clock.
[Jock:] Yeah.
[William:] You have to wait for a tr well first of all you have to we'll the miss yeah, at twelve twenty-eight or whatever
[Jock:] Yeah.
[William:] Well how are you gonna get are you gonna get a taxi... or you're gonna get a bus down into Hertford.
[Jock:] Bus, that's w
[William:] What I do is I try and do a I just get a bus erm
[Jock:] There must be going, I try and go late and get a lift from someone to Hertford.
[William:] Yeah. What I do is I just get a bus at Hertford and walk to Hertford and normally it doesn't take long... it only takes about ten minutes
[Jock:] Really, you gotta walk all the way along the dual carriageway don't you?
[William:] Yeah, it's easy that's what I do all the time.
[Jock:] Do you?
[William:] Takes five minutes. Ten minutes maximum.
[Jock:] Yeah, how you getting back, you get the train back?
[William:] Dunno.
[Jock:] Because I, what train did you get?
[William:] Oh shit, I'm not getting a train back I'm gonna come back by car.
[Jock:] Really, cos what time is the train that you got?
[William:] Whatever you do you're gonna have to get back at you're gonna have to start leaving London yeah.
[Jock:] Yeah.
[William:] Start leaving about sixish.
[Jock:] Six.
[William:] Five. I'm telling you it's really bad news. You get you have to get back obviously
[Jock:] Yeah.
[William:] Okay. You've got okay you've got something like a six... I don't even know what time the train comes they change at different times, the one I've caught was at five past... nine train.
[Jock:] Five past nine?
[William:] Nine yeah, came up caught that just about getting in there
[Jock:] Yeah.
[William:] Okay so got on that train, thinking it would go straight to Hertford and it didn't.
[Jock:] Yeah.
[William:] So I had to wait fo at Enfield Chase for another bus and the bus from Enfield Chase yeah you go along all these piddley little so it's from erm ten it took me it took takes an hour-and-a-half on the bus.
[Jock:] From Enfield Chase.
[William:] Enfield Chase to Hertford North. So that's an hour-and-a-half around an hour-an-a-half and ** a-half around an hour-and-a-half and blown, yeah.
[Jock:] How?
[William:] Cos it's in side roads, so that's an hour-and-a-half okay, you could we waiting for your train for about an hour so that's two-and-a-half hours
[Jock:] Yeah.
[William:] And then you can be erm... actually the train journey to Enfield Chase takes about another half-an-hour, so that's two hours at least and as well.
[Jock:] So I have to go something like a five past seven train or something?
[William:] Five past seven, eight thirty, nine yeah. So I'm gonna get I'm gonna be at that thing by about seven o'clock if I get on the train by I doubt I very much doubt it I'm getting the train.
[Jock:] Yeah, cos I might, I might see you at the station if you get the train.
[William:] I, I don't think I will be.... better not be not getting back here at ten o'clock.
[Jock:] Cos I've gotta go back otherwise
[speaker003:] Cos the juniors, remember the juniors can't on terrace.
[Rupert:] Yeah.
[Jock:] So all the teams must be away. Think about it.
[Rupert:] Yeah, got forty five and sixty, sixty
[Jock:] What about forty five, I mean they're gonna... they're not gonna go on they're not gonna on twenty to win junior
[Rupert:] forty five are crap.
[Jock:] Forty five is like the Bs.
[Rupert:] Cs.
[Jock:] Where where's, fifteen, thirty, oh yeah, cos A B C here is A B C away.
[Rupert:] See, forty five
[Jock:] Two, no it's two years, so you've got it t
[Rupert:] Yeah I know, it's two years, but it's still the seating you can't have seating can you.
[Jock:] Fifteen and the thirty are like the A teams
[Rupert:] Yeah okay, so if if
[Jock:] Forty five and sixty are like B teams
[Rupert:] if the fifteen thirty place on well if the thirty are away then it goes
[Jock:] Oh yeah, I suppose. I suppose
[Rupert:] Why doesn't he turn up to any practices?
[Jock:] Erm... who?
[Rupert:] Chris Smith.
[Jock:] He's just a lazy bastard that's why. Can't be bothered basically.
[Rupert:] Doesn't he get done in?
[Jock:] What?
[Rupert:] Why doesn't any of the masters have a go?
[Jock:] Dunno, I don't think anyone notices that he's gone.
[Rupert:] Yeah they must have known Chris Smith wasn't there.
[Jock:] Wasn't he there?
[Julian:] I dunno.
[Rupert:] He's in school isn't he?
[Jock:] Yeah, he couldn't be bothered to play rugby at the beginning, I mean nobody missed about four weeks.
[Rupert:] It's forced.
[Julian:] Yeah, Dougie told
[Rupert:] [whistling] Yeah, Jock, got a really exciting day tomorrow.
[Jock:] day. Good Oh.
[Rupert:] Yeah.
[Jock:] Pretty cool, not. Oh, I should be doing work but I can't.
[Rupert:] You what?
[Jock:] Should be doing work, but I can't.
[Rupert:] What do you mean can't? Can't be bothered?
[Jock:] Can't be bothered yeah, basically.
[Rupert:] Jock, no-one can be bothered to work, but they've just gotta do it.
[Jock:] I know, but sometimes I just get down and do it, but other times I just... can't if you know what I mean.
[Rupert:] No, I don't know what you mean. [LAUGHTER]
[Jock:] Shut up, bloody
[Rupert:] not nice.
[Jock:] I'm talking
[Julian:] What do you er think of the
[Jock:] Rough, what the little one?
[Julian:] Yeah.
[Jock:] She's all right I suppose.
[Julian:] you like the little little one hey. Ooh
[Jock:] Shut up She's American.
[Julian:] blown a fuse, and it's on tape [LAUGHTER]
[Jock:] Julian shut up, just cos you know just cos you
[Julian:] Cos I like what?
[Jock:] Cos you fancy the bloody Viking.
[Julian:] [LAUGHTER] The Viking no way []
[Jock:] [singing]
[Julian:] Jock, you know the Viking that's your sister that is.
[Jock:] [LAUGHTER] Shut up []
[Julian:] [LAUGHTER]
[Jock:] That's your girlfriend that is.
[Rupert:] When's the last time you got a letter from Jamie?
[Julian:] Erm... couple of days ago.
[Rupert:] How often do you write?
[Julian:] Erm once a week... sometimes that depends when I feel like it.
[Rupert:] happily.
[Julian:] What? You go there you'll play rugby and erm
[Rupert:] Shut up that's a point I won't be knackered at all.
[Jock:] You won't be knackered at all I mean bloody killed playing freezing conditions.
[Rupert:] Yeah, but I this will be the first match I haven't played this season.
[Jock:] So?
[Rupert:] I wouldn't mind, I mean I don't mind if Chris cos I know he's better than me, but Christ Smith's crap.
[Jock:] Yeah, he was he's erm full-back for the and erm he was pretty crap. The only reason was cos erm he was quick.
[Rupert:] No and also is
[Jock:] No, cos John Collier could have been in there, John, John played erm two matches when Chris was injured.
[Rupert:] No, what about and they were both
[Jock:] Yeah,that that's why
[Rupert:] Nicholson
[Jock:] That's why I play.
[Julian:] chest infection and bloody done his knee in or something. That's why I was in the team for after half term.
[Rupert:] Never actually played at I thought we never will.
[Jock:] You really crap yourself beforehand, but once you play you think great, the best.
[Julian:] Jock.
[Jock:] What?
[Julian:] You're sad.
[Jock:] [LAUGHTER] shut up.
[Julian:] I'm not doing any more work, I can't be bothered.
[Jock:] Nor can I, I don't know what to do.
[Julian:] Just sad, I've got about eight projects. The thing is, oh yeah what do you think of those women that came?
[Jock:] What scholarship
[Julian:] I don't think they're that bad. Yeah, everyone was going on at how rough they are, I mean you can't as I've said before you can't exactly expect them to be super models.
[Jock:] I know.
[Julian:] And anyway if they were super models who would be able to go out with one so sad.
[Jock:] I know, I'd rather have someone who was
[Julian:] Reasonable
[Jock:] Reasonably good looking and a good laugh.
[Julian:] Yeah, cos then you know you've gotta chance of going out rather than or something then you haven't got a chance at all. Sad.
[Jock:] You've gotta
[Julian:] And considering that they're all supposed to be erm all the
[Jock:] Yeah.
[Julian:] sad and scholarships and stuff. not too bad. Actually I saw so many women saw quite a few women up there. Not bad.
[Jock:] I reckon we're gonna have a good year this year next year.
[Julian:] Year what?
[Jock:] Have a good year. Cos I mean we had two crap years hadn't we, well.
[Julian:] Two crap years diabolical. Now this year might be all right at the end.
[Jock:] At the end?
[Julian:] already.
[Jock:] What?
[Julian:] We could get to cos no-one actually talks about very sad isn't it.
[Jock:] Yeah, well we never get a chance do we.
[Julian:] No, when do we do it?
[Rupert:] I think the saddest people gotta be Lawrence.
[Jock:] Why?
[Rupert:] Trying to pull those two pretty women.
[Jock:] Yeah, playing rug playing rugby.
[Rupert:] Playing rugby Rugby on the afro turf... every day.
[Jock:] he's a laugh.
[Rupert:] Who?
[Jock:] John. On the, on the he was on the and it was such a laugh it really was, good laugh. What are you doing?
[Rupert:] taken all the paper off.
[Jock:] what's funny Jim
[speaker003:] You recording?
[Jock:] Yeah.
[speaker003:] comes in and goes er Shut up, shut up And he goes erm I suppose you know he goes, he goes [LAUGHTER] No, Melissa, what have I done, shit what have I done I thought, oh my God, what have I done.
[Jock:] made her pregnant or something.
[speaker003:] serious not really and Alistair goes oh yeah, it could do and I went er yeah er he goes why and I went why and he goes oh well, she ran on the. Melissa well that was ages ago. And she goes and he goes erm sounded, sounded like a good sounded like quite a nice girl really. Quite a big girl really.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker003:] Is that what she said. And he goes How can you sound like a big girl I, I just didn't stay to ask to be quite honest I was shell shocked.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker003:] pissed himself.
[Jock:] Why
[speaker003:] When is it? Tonight.
[Jock:] phoning about the disco.
[speaker003:] I can't talk to her.
[Jock:] Why?
[speaker003:] I don't wanna talk to her.
[Jock:] Why? you get get snogged at a disco.
[speaker003:] When's the next disco. second first fourteenth. Y y yeah honest December December Yeah. Yeah probably be another P A C St Albans disco.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker003:] All we talk about is swear words Every other word is a swear word. People who are listening to this have missed something [LAUGHTER] They're all Norwegian. Oh God, I almost crapped myself I thought I was going to be working till twelve I've now got no prep to do. Yeah I'll do that. No you'll do it, you've gotta do it properly. Painting a in half-an-hour and I haven't got any history chemistry. I haven't done any work. I'm just talking to this stupid microphone.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker003:] and you've got a friend.
[Jock:] [LAUGHTER] oh no, they're gonna think we're rigging it now [LAUGHTER]
[Rupert:] the way Jimmy goes, Jimmy goes understand why you always take the piss out of me for my voice
[speaker003:] Yeah he does doesn't he When I'm round Jimmy I right Kevin. I know yeah I noticed that in Alistair as well. Is he going mad, he must be going mad. Well on one Monday I went home, I can't remember what I said, I just came out with this really I and I said it really I wasn't actually putting it on either, I said like that and and I keep saying yeah after each, each sentence when I'm describing something to my mum like saying last match yeah, we won yeah, six nil yeah, eight nil yeah and it I keep saying yeah, yeah, my mum's going yeah, shut up my mum says I go yeah that's well nice and she goes erm goes well nice I said and I say well and I'm well cool and I keep on saying that I've said it like about so many things when we're at home and she goes, what is this you always saying well with everything.
[Jock:] I know, it's like me.
[speaker003:] around Jimmy more.
[Jock:] My parents they always say
[speaker003:] My mum hates Jimmy because of that. My mum doesn't my mum no, it's like my brother, my brother Jimmy's really nice. Does he? Like yeah, because like about what he did you know he was staying up with and all this and like giving him money and looking after Andrew so he goes for my parents Jimmy's really nice. Well my dad reckons he's really nice anyway. Dunno whether my mum does.
[Jock:] No.
[speaker003:] My parents, my parents hate My mum, my mum and dad hate My mum, my mum keeps saying has settled down yet and I said
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker003:] settle down. Settle down. I would say for you. I would say like a bit myself you know Oh like. You know like this and like that and like Bit like that. And my mum and my my dad starts going like, like, like and they go what you do. You know about You wrote that letter yet? Yeah. By the way just for the tape she's a right fuck. [LAUGHTER] You know you wrote that letter and it said oh, I hope to see you in half term... and then, then said I hope not Bollocks. She said that? I hope not, no, he said that, I ha that's bollocks and then what else he wrote he says I love you lots I'm missing you lots. Oh, no yuck all tape listeners is a really fat ugly rough mother fucker. [LAUGHTER] Just remember. Dream of the Norwegian Viking person.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker003:] It's not very nice.
[Jock:] I know, she's so rough I mean she's so fat.
[speaker003:] I mean Jimmy sang who is it Jim screwed I mean Jim says is fat Fuck she is. Keep fat.
[Jock:] She's a bit... bit on the Yeah, there's a bit of meat on her
[speaker003:] No but when she sort of comes out he says Shut up. Claire about up to my... waist type of thing. Yeah, she's short and Short, fat stumpy, round, covered in acne. Yuck. Breast, did she have a breast? I didn't really see her, I Did she have a breast? I know she had bad spots. Did she have a breast? Dunno she probably did she had everything else. [LAUGHTER] She had some disease as well. She tried to talk to me a job, but we sort of joked away. She used to she used to she goes erm Yes. It's like this yeah, hang around, meet
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker003:] She's fat. She beats her hairy chest. [LAUGHTER] Yeah []
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker003:] So disgusting. Hairy armpits. Hairy everything. Hairy minge.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker003:] stuck You'd lose your hands.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker003:] That's sick, she has problems going Oh shut up. Disgusting. She quite rough. Rough. Well what about [shouting] What about She's got some death wish. I reckon Marie-Anne's the nicest girl he's ever fancied. He's got, he's got, he's got a death wish on He must be takes the piss and I go. He goes shut up, you taking the piss out of me.
[Jock:] I don't take the piss out of him he goes turns all silent, he goes like
[speaker003:] Him and him and do you remember that? Just think, someone that you fancy supposed to be someone in your dreams and stuff like that Yeah.
[Jock:] Well yeah
[speaker003:] Someone you really, really like, I mean how can you really, really like? Paul does [whining] Oh yes Paul [] they were sitting like at the end of the corner there's been Oh, no alcove and there was one in the one far corner and sitting on the corner together, they were holding hands going [whine] every so often he hears [whine].
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker003:] But you know, Jimmy said, he said oh just a friend now it's I'm after. Not. Brady's going out with How do you know? But she goes to she goes to Who? He leaves next week. You're joking. My God. Yeah. You told him? Because Alistair, Alistair's known for about four weeks that she's got Cos he knew, cos he knew [whispering] []