[speaker001:] Has anybody come across those terms assertive aggressive and passive? Yeah. A lot of training goes on about assertiveness training and maybe the word has got around assertiveness is good and everything else isn't so good. I think maybe that's right on some occasions, but the thing about this is that very much depends where we are and what situation we're in and we may actually choose to use one of the other types of behaviour. What sort of situation might you choose to use that type of heading? Possibly, yes er a situation there where you might actually well you tell me what you think, so it's actually declining, backing off, yeah? So maybe we'd use it in that situation. Or working within a bank and somebody runs in with a shotgun, what sort of behaviour then?
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker001:] there aren't too many people who actually go aggressive and wrestle the gunman to the ground, yeah? There may be the odd one or two, but the risk he's making his head blown off by doing it, so against most of us will say here you are take my money and run passive behaviour. What about aggressive behaviour then, what choose to use that? rob a bank aggressive behaviour yeah.
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker001:] Why not organization?
[speaker002:] When all else fails really.
[speaker001:] Right I mean it could be as a matter of a last resort yeah. Maybe he's a bit cranky about the scale so it may be a conscious decision that goes without.
[speaker002:] he's feeling aggressive
[speaker001:] Right, yes it's quite often aggressive people passive people who like maybe having passive people around and just needs somebody to walk over to shout at and behaving in an aggressive way, so maybe we have to go aggressive when we deal with an aggressive person. So perhaps the first thing about that continuum is that none of them are right or wrong we all dis-represent the ways of behaving and it's very much a personal choice which one will use at one stage. right or wrong. The to say anything is that we all have natural places where we feel comfortable, we all have particular styles where it's easier to eat it's more comfortable, perhaps is an example and very comfortable just staying where we are being passive it's nothing particularly prognostic about that for us. So we actually choose to be wherever we want to be, it's very much a personal choice.... The third thing about that is that it represents us saying continuum. Now we've got very much a personal perspective and we see things through our own eyes so... somebody may see somebody behaving and regard that as an assertive behaviour, somebody else may actually see that as aggressive... it's very much a personal view of actually where we see the people lying and also indeed the people who prefer to deal with them. Maybe these people here prefer to deal with aggressive people or indeed passive because you can completely walk over them... don't like dealing with anybody they're totally passive on the far end of the scale passive. So we all have personal preferences with people who we like to deal with and indeed how we see people as well.... So got to continue on there on behaviours... recognize people that you see around about recognize to be aggressive, some as assertive some as passive. What are some of the clues if you like that tell us if people behave in an assertive, aggressive, passive way what are some of the other clues take that away from us? Right [clears throat] body languages.... A very good example... on... sort of the clues some behaviours that make us say yeah it's aggressive, passive, assertive. Tone of voice certainly.... Anything else about the voice? Yeah, volume.... Voice, tone, volume, what else?... What other sort of visible symptoms is behaviour? Right I mean,part partly related to body language, but it things like proximity Yeah, absolutely yeah... why is it people who use the aggressive words are gonna be totally different from the words individual passive behaviour. So there are a host of clues there if you like about the sort of things that people will actually do and these are all underlaid by an attitude. If you've got a slightly different attitude also an attitude.... Okay what I'd like to do is get you to work in three syndicates looking at body language, voice tone, words, proximity, attitude, voice volume but what we'd like to do is actually work in a syndicate that is out of style, out of keeping in your normal style. So for example if you're normally aggressive, we'd actually like you to go with a syndicate that's passive and work passive. If you're normally passive, we'd like you to work in a syndicate that will be aggressive. Okay? Now we're obviously even split two in each three so aggressive group... So remember want it to work in a group that a normal style so volunteers for groups? Anybody else?
[speaker002:] I'll be aggressive. aggressive.
[speaker001:] Okay
[speaker002:] assertive.
[speaker001:] passive.
[speaker002:] assertive.
[speaker001:] Yes
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker001:] [LAUGHTER] Yeah [] well I dunno maybe I was gonna say is because what we'd like you to do in your feedback is actually give you a feedback using the style that you were holding back on. So for example the group who are doing the aggressive... [LAUGHTER] I don't say that until after. Report back about being aggressive and we'd like you to report back modelling an aggressive style, yeah? Assertive group report back modelling an assertive style and the passive group you report back modelling a passive style of
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker001:] If he can actually think about getting up yeah, okay? So if you would like to prepare yourself responses and ready for a preparation, not preparation, presentation erm it's coming to half past nine give you twenty minutes on that preparation, so if we can be back ten to ten this group please.
[speaker002:] Can you just flip the thing
[speaker001:] Yeah, sure. So it's body language, tone, volume and voice, things like proximity the words they might use and also what's the underlying attitude that fires the behaviour you're looking at.... In terms you wanna word hay loft, conservatory.
[speaker002:] subject matters. [LAUGHTER]
[speaker001:] Now I'm being totally passive about that one.
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER] ...
[speaker001:] How you getting on?
[speaker002:] Yeah.
[speaker001:] Done?
[speaker002:] Yeah.
[speaker001:] Yeah?. Done? Looking good.... Okay now at this stage you don't normally have to ask for volunteers for the first group because it usually sort of role then off they go.
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker001:] So guess who's gonna go first.
[speaker002:] Morning aggressive. [cough] So we don't need to go through this. Now you're gonna get on and read it and you can report back in ten minutes and I don't want any questions. Right. [LAUGHTER] Ah oh, oh, shame.
[speaker001:] [LAUGHTER] presentation.... [LAUGHTER] Short and sweet.
[speaker002:] Think he got the message. [LAUGHTER]
[speaker001:] Did you get the message... other groups?
[speaker002:] Certainly knew which one they were doing.
[speaker001:] [LAUGHTER] Right []... okay... so what you say about it? Body language, expressive, eye contact, talking at them and power striding, what's power striding?
[speaker002:] Sort of power striding up and down, walking up and down and bouncing almost.
[speaker001:] Yeah, okay. So it's very much body language that is actually directive, sort of right up people's noses quite often very, very close to people yeah? Er voice tone, voice certainly loud, short sharp phrases er little chance of pauses.
[speaker002:] Raised tone.
[speaker001:] Yeah. Likely to be aggressive, likely to be, certainly likely too loud. Yeah... Think about domestic silence. What's wrong? Nothing. So they sit there and you think there's nothing being said but the atmosphere is very much full of aggression. Frequently is loud, but sometimes absolutely the complete opposite, silence can be actually very aggressive particularly with somebody you don't normally get that silence from, you know they're normally warm, pleasant individuals and all of a sudden silent and that's actively aggressive as well. Certainly a word you must, you will, I imposing language. Positive and threatening conversation. I'm sorry I can't read that. Yeah so it's likely to wanna be out on their own. Competent, controversial. Okay? What's the underlying philosophy behind that type of behaviour aggressive behaviour? What's really just sort of quick... summary of all of that?
[speaker002:] lack of self-confidence.
[speaker001:] Possibly, I mean aggression could be a response to lack of self-confidence you're quite right. If you're lacking in self- confidence you may, don't want, you don't wanna get other people's views and meekness impose them. So perhaps the underlying philosophy is... I win... you lose... yeah? me, I'm gonna win and gonna be loud and be aggressive, I'm gonna stand over you, I'm gonna stand very close to you, I'm gonna point my finger at ya, I'm gonna stare at you. It's all about I win, you lose, I need to beat you, I'm gonna stamp on you, I'm gonna make sure they actually beat you. So that's the underlying philosophy of aggressive, it's gonna be I win you lose. Okay, thank you aggressive group.... Who's gonna come next? Right [LAUGHTER]
[speaker002:] this is gonna do. Right the er body language voice tone, volume social dominance the words and attitude
[speaker001:] Thanks. Again it comes this, but assertive behaviour body language etcetera.
[speaker002:] It's very much middle-of-the-road aggressive person
[speaker001:] Yeah. Yeah, I think that's a good point, cos certainly if, if you're towards the aggressive, we've actually got go
[speaker002:] [cough]
[speaker001:] you might shout a bit louder, shout a bit louder and what happens if it doesn't work. All at the end you do is losing your voice... and, and if you don't get your way, then you it up louder and louder and louder and if you don't get your way you may have to back down then and the aggressive person backing down to sort of a submissive doesn't always hold very much credibility. Maybe the assertive person might be able to be more flexible certainly cos he can move between. I've never had somebody from my class should be able to beat passive assertive that way find it difficult to do that one. What about the philosophy for this one then assertive? Yes.... Yeah the attitude is very much about I respect your rights as an individual, you've got equal rights as much as I have. The individual who's gonna be assertive is likely to be open and honest or likely to admit things that are not so good at honest those, but they're not gonna necessarily apologise for those, they're gonna treat those as statements of fact and they're certainly gonna try and involve other people and actually say what do you think this, what are some ways forward er but it doesn't mean that they're gonna be walked all over and they still stand up for the things that they firmly believe in. They may not always get what they want, but at least they're standing up for them and actually feel good about themselves afterwards because. At least I had my say in it, and had the opportunity to put something in. Okay, so goodness from the assertive group. Passive group.... Right well erm
[speaker002:] We decided to er change
[speaker001:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker002:] Well... I think the... [LAUGHTER] I decided that what I did it for small reasons [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker001:] Thank you very much. Thanks David. Comments from the others for that passive behaviour?
[speaker002:] It's very apologetic.
[speaker001:] Right. It frequently is apologetic yeah. Why, why is it likely to be apologetic? Yeah, I mean it's about to decide whether you lose situations now I lose... Everybody else is much better than me, everybody else has got a far better right to actually
[speaker002:] [cough]
[speaker001:] They often can be related to in hierarchy terribly aggressive to his subordinates but the company or his boss quite often the position the attitude that we actually take passive, aggressive, assertive. So a range of behaviour is very important in influencing that we identify where we're coming from and where the other party's coming from as well, so that we can maybe begin to mould our behaviour and decide what is appropriate... maybe on some occasions towards a passive actually gonna help us achieve for influence. We may decide let's be passive and move to battle decide is actually an important issue and wanna be aggressive and they actually bring in a relationship so important. On other occasions we may decide assertiveness is an investment actually got to use that style of behaviour to get my point across and to listen to them as well. So the choice is the choice.
[speaker002:] right you've got a view but the other party the other party actually has a point of view you don't know you need to look change. Change is probably the biggest sitting with their arms crossed quite long periods involved with what is going on people who sit with their folding sometimes change of attitude how people react Indeed and one of the points can be more difficult you don't know [LAUGHTER]
[speaker001:] Okay. So we've had a look at the three different erm behaviour types... passive, aggressive, assertive. stage further though, and begin to think about what we're dealing with people with different behaviour types. How do we actually manage to deal with them, some of the ways that we can actually do that. So we'll do, let's just split into two groups, one group to have a look at aggressive people, one group to have a look at passive and what I'd like to do is identify any groups. How you gonna deal with people who are, we get this side of the group to be aggressive people passive side, we'll give the right hand side of the group as I'm standing look at the passive people. How are you gonna deal with passive people on the right and how are you gonna deal with aggressive people. What are some of the things that you can do when you actually have to deal with these people, particularly remember if you try to achieve influence on a course here, that's what we're here for. We'll leave the assertive alone for this particular point in time what are we to do to deal with aggressive, what are we to do to deal with passive. Again, some feedback on the flip chart erm let's give you fifteen minutes for that so it's coming up to five past twenty past
[speaker002:] [cough]
[speaker001:] We'll take a bit of feedback on how you're gonna deal with those people. Yeah the clock, the clock's there I always get groups that say [moaning] where's [] the clock cos they can't sort of see where it is and I'm sort of saying it's the angle tell the time. Okay so a quarter of an hour and we'll take some feedback... I think the er last one is perhaps...... So if anybody's got or anything else perhaps
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker001:] Okay who would like to come and er give us a feedback? This is the group that are dealing with passive behaviour....
[speaker002:] Erm they can start by relaxing erm and a passive person erm and at the same time try and increase their. Always use encouraging words... see their point of view involve instructions as possible, understand what their, what problems they have and try and provide where possible erm reward positive feedback.... Er... establish trust much as possible and involve er and try and get involved yourself if you can in any way to er show that you're, you understand the task that they're doing. Erm try and where possible to use the individual communication with them as opposed to erm communicating to them as a member of a group... preferably in a relaxed environment er rather than a sort of erm including any decision making pass on as much credit for that decision as possible
[speaker001:] Yeah
[speaker002:] erm possible identify their impassive reasons for their.
[speaker001:] Good, thanks a lot. Yes certainly deal with pa passive people... probably more difficult people
[speaker002:] [cough]
[speaker001:] When I was out on the road I mean before I came into training I was so I laid my cards at the table at this point in time to say yes I need to sell insurance erm and I always remember particular broker who... you go in and and he's saying well so how many of these particular products would you sell over the next year and he said oh twenty five and you go in great, guy's promised to sell twenty five domestic contents policies over the next year. Unfortunately the rules inspector would come in next and the rules inspector would say to the guy how many rules policies are and you say oh G A inspector and to every one he actually gained in fact it wasn't there was no commitment there at all get rid of people. difficult people to deal with they get much commitments out they're so frightened they won't actually say no, they won't point out what is the objection to that and none of us got very much business out of the guy at all. I mean how he even got to be a broker I never understood. But he just could not give very very very difficult to actually deal with. [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER] Actually there are quite a few infuriating people went out for a drink what are you having to drink and she said oh whatever you're having
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker001:] and who have never ever been assertive oh well whatever you're having I'll have the same. [LAUGHTER] Yeah, that's right. situation where you why did you do that and the silence is absolutely incredibly aggressive and you feel quite put on the spot. So silence can yes be a very good technique but too much it can actually be sometimes a bad thing very, very aggressive.
[speaker002:] alright, that's what you want, that is what we'll do.
[speaker001:] [LAUGHTER] Thank you passive group. aggressive.
[speaker002:] avoid the confrontation
[speaker001:] Yes. [LAUGHTER]
[speaker002:] two of you against one of them back you up
[speaker001:] whatever it means, whatever it means to you.
[speaker002:] situation
[speaker001:] Yeah. Yeah, thanks John. Yes please. Again any sort of comments on some of those tactics there? you absolutely get them going off but sometimes you actually want to use... all's fair in love and war also actually use those sort of tactics. In terms of how rant and rave for probably not very long... and you don't get aggressive behaviour, got nowhere else to go, you gotta get to come back down hang on to the chair to grim death absolute shambles never used it like this. You can actually get a lot of information out of the group. The passive person, you sit there. Okay.
[speaker002:] don't try and stop them and they start all over again it's incredibly hard work shouting [shouting] what do you mean shouting you, you think I'm shouting though, you wait till I get going [] you know, [shouting] okay, right [] incredibly powerful trying to work out exactly what he wants er eyes were bulging [shouting] don't do that, don't do that, I'm in charge, don't do that. Don't you dare I'm in charge of this interview [] and erm... and erm and erm what's caused this and why discussion what has caused this change to try and find out and put him off Horrible feeling you see two people shouting at each other two people shouting at each other get the impression that the other party is actually doing an impression of a goldfish and going like that. Did you ever see that actually talking concentrating at what you're saying
[speaker001:] Okay, shall we break for coffee?