[Mick:] Don't mind five grand coming your way.
[Stuart:] I think old man that's got a.
[Mick:] . conversation. Tape a matter of conversation, anything that's.
[Stuart:] Are they gonna allow you to walk around with this as well.
[Mick:] I'm not gonna worry about setting it up, it's recording now.
[Stuart:] .
[Mick:] Well you're on candid tape.
[Stuart:] You recording now?
[Mick:] Yes.
[Stuart:] Oh no... are you getting money doing this?
[Mick:] Twenty five quid.
[Mark:] By the hour or week or.
[Mick:] .... I wanna record a bit of conversation people have between er their, their doing.
[Stuart:] Watch what you're saying chaps because were being. Er it's an invasion of our personal privacy.
[speaker004:] Fucking right it is.
[Stuart:] But.
[Mick:] You know it's not, no it's erm for the Longman's Dictionary or something.
[speaker004:] Dictionary combined. Say thirty, to find out how people talk, but a lot Quack, quack, quack, quack. . One of my fucking answer. They didn't ask for it up on. . They sit and. How good is it picking up.
[Mick:] .
[speaker004:] I mean how good's it gonna be picking up, is it gonna get all these background noises in?
[Mick:] Yeah,.
[speaker004:] Where's the old microphone then?
[Mick:] There.
[speaker004:] You cunt. [LAUGHTER] []
[Mick:] Yeah, but the thing is, what it's, what it's doing is that, they want you to have a normal conversation on.
[speaker004:] So you gonna say suck my cock.. Hey, Chelsea. . find the. Chelsea, Chelsea. What's. .
[Stuart:] I'd wipe all that lot if I was you.
[Mick:] No, it'll be alright.
[speaker004:] coming up. Oh yeah. Who's gonna obviously. Who?. Rumbold's is a shit hole. . . Coming down the old.
[Mick:] say what, you sound fucking awful when you record yourself I.
[Stuart:] Yeah, you know what they say about, used by.
[speaker004:] fucking ever work?.. All that time...
[Mick:] Just speak normally, speak every day like you do.
[speaker004:] Fuck off round. [sawing] When you stuff the old boy then?. Sounds as if it's been managed. You're not doing a very good job. Huh, come, come... cos it's fucking early in the morning. But normally when What till you get our it. .
[Mick:] , people start doing show off.. Look, stop it, but don't tell them next time. Just.
[speaker004:] Shouldn't of done, but. Are you allowed? without telling.
[Mick:] Oh, but you are, but you must tell them afterwards.
[Stuart:] Afterwards, yeah.
[Mick:] In which case if they're not too happy with it you can turn it off,rewi er wipe it off.
[speaker004:] I'm not turn it off and re-wind the fucking thing.
[Mick:] You don't have to shout or anything.
[speaker004:] What's the fucking. [singing] recorder []. What's. [singing] let me []. He know's, he know's, just it's twenty five. [singing] Who's [].
[Stuart:] Wouldn't mind doing it, just quite interesting
[speaker004:] [singing] []
[Stuart:] .
[Mick:] No, I got twenty tapes.
[Stuart:] Yeah I've just read the literature, I glanced at it.
[speaker004:] You what. Twenty fucking tapes. Shut up.
[Stuart:] Why, why do people get like this, tape recorder or film recorder or
[Mick:] They're standing there going [LAUGHTER].
[Stuart:] I've normal so far, shut up you lot.
[speaker004:] fucking.
[Mick:] It's an impossibility Stu don't give us that. Maybe is you know.
[speaker004:] [singing] We're gonna make you... a star R R R [] er write down the.
[Mick:] You stuff like that
[speaker004:] you go down the. Ah. So.
[Mick:] conversation.
[Stuart:] Do you have to write down all those like, place,, date.
[Mick:] Yeah I've gotta, I've gotta write name, erm just your first name nothing, nothing else.
[Stuart:] Mm.
[speaker004:] So you're still fucking.. Quite really.
[Stuart:] How did ya get into it?
[speaker004:] Out of order.
[Mick:] Ah?
[Stuart:] How did, how did you see that.
[Mick:] She come round to me, there's twenty five to thirty cross section use, and we made a down the road. so we said yeah. I mean they're all, they're all this walkman, not, but,.
[Stuart:] It's worth you doing it.
[Mick:] Yeah, I trust, yeah.
[Stuart:] Lucky.
[speaker004:] really.
[Mick:] one.
[Stuart:] I didn't know you could get stuff recorded like that, is it like specially adaptable, or is that normal walkman?
[Mick:] That's a normal walkman it's got erm.
[Stuart:] I didn't even know you could record something.
[Mick:] yes, that's, that's the only thing that's different about it, it's got record button on there, ever had a walkman?
[speaker004:] walkman ah?
[Mick:] No, sure don't, wish I did.
[speaker004:] They long play tapes or something?
[Mick:] They're full ninety minutes tape's.
[Stuart:] Seem like.
[Barry:] Geht es dir? Wohin kommen sie?
[speaker004:] . What was you. . [LAUGHTER].
[Stuart:] Good morgen, guten tag, dankeshon
[speaker004:] Got ten pence Stewy?
[Stuart:] Er, no I pay for it, no go on give me that and I'll pay the ten P... yeah you pay for me,.
[speaker004:] Oh, you're a show off.
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[speaker004:] [LAUGHTER].
[Stuart:] Have we stopped?
[speaker004:] No, no it's on [LAUGHTER]. You would of thought a microphone and a camera would. It's amazing
[Stuart:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker004:] microphone up here. Number nineteen. Everyone's about two inches from it in.
[Stuart:] [LAUGHTER].
[speaker004:] They do some of the finest dictionary's and it's real read English. Yeah, oh. What's wrong with it now, go and.
[Stuart:] Well they wanted to know who this old boy is.
[speaker004:] Are you gonna have to write down all, all everybody in this section sort of thing? Yeah the thing is I've gotta write them down in the order in which they appear. Ah? So you have to listen to this? Yeah. Oh my good God. Probably. Ah, are you serious about this? Oh ah,. Just the first names, it's not. . Oh it is, it is, they just take your, your first name. . make sure. [LAUGHTER]. beep, beep, hooray. Dildo. . [LAUGHTER]. ... What they Oh dear oh dear oh dear. what they want is a regional dialect as well. you. . Yeah were gonna, were gonna mess them up ain't we, old boy and wimp and stuff. Yeah, you let that. . That's what I said... she said she want's all everything you say, all conversations. [whistling]. Is she nice? I but, not, ah. Oh I ain't doing nothing. Ah, [LAUGHTER], you ain't saying nothing then. Oh, oh,. Erm, who's for a cup of tea? . ... I'll go and put the kettle on. Ta. When you've done that first one you'll have to let us have a listen, I've never heard myself on the tape before. You don't want too. Sounds.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] .
[speaker004:] . Yeah. Oh what about, what happens if we start banging hammers and stuff? I was gonna have.... Alright this morning. [LAUGHTER], the point is I mean the thing is were some good conversation. What the fucking hell does Oh I I. short sticky tape you never know, the old.. Not on a Friday, oh it's really not fair. God sake. It's... [whistling]. . Hello Mick how's it going mate?
[Mick:] Lovely, wouldn't mind fucking going with her for a night I tell ya.
[speaker004:] Yeah. . She's wearing sort of an old fashion corset thought in it?
[Mick:] Well, who give's a fuck what she's wearing, long's get it off at the end of the day.
[speaker004:] Oh, what you say?
[Mick:] , shag, shagging.
[speaker004:] . [LAUGHTER].
[Mick:] He send's me a paper the old boy
[speaker004:] [LAUGHTER].
[Mick:] Shag, tramp. he's lucky, definitely come to bed with that.
[speaker004:] Why can't you read involve in the English language I do not know.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker004:] Ok, steady on, [LAUGHTER] [sawing]... [] Be a good one on that they will Fucking right, it shit. start, start, annoying Cheryl, fuck off and leave me alone Trev [LAUGHTER]. Who's fucking down there then? [sawing]... Who parked the old car? Yeah, I get you fucking whipped. I know I would, get in there [LAUGHTER]... I want. You would? . might be embarrassed just put sports in the intellectual paper now, sports in intellectual paper now. word over five letters long the other day Who? , you know. Oh yeah. Yeah, wanker. Taken up your language.
[Stuart:] I've no down London every time I've been down there, and haven't seen any trouble. I've never seen any trouble down London, not first hand like, no, never.
[Mark:] Well, I, I go down there like eight, nine times a year. I get about as pissed as a bloke can. you could go to an area for the rest of your life and still not see any fighting.
[Stuart:] Yeah, that's right, I mean, it is in it?
[Mark:] Oh I go to Soho and China Town and that and I've never seen any trouble, the only time I actually saw a.
[Stuart:] I used to go because hopefully one of the hardest town in
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Stuart:] Derby, but I mean one of the any aggro, the stall any hassle is in Covent Garden, which is a tourist place that was between two.
[Mark:] .
[Stuart:] In a pub cos couldn't handle the old English beer and all that, and they start an argument between themselves. Tell you wha whe where is a rough place just recently is er Farnborough.
[Mark:] Is it?
[Stuart:] Farnborough.
[Mark:] It's always been rough place
[Stuart:] Did it?.
[Mark:] Been there for a start so it must be a rough place.
[Stuart:] The amount of times people have been thrown from the top of your window at night sort of thing. been wrapped round people's head at tumble down and stuff.
[speaker004:] a rough place as well.. That's why were. Like the, the place that's really, really It's the video they get in it, it's the American influence in it?.
[Stuart:] No it ain't.
[speaker004:] It is, it's within our self in it?
[Stuart:] I don't believe that shit about you watch a video then all of a sudden you're a Rambo.
[speaker004:] Yeah, but your mind's on [sawing] yeah, and what do they do, yeah and then they re-enact it outside. No, it's a load of shit, they can't, I can't believe you've got to have the mentality of a five year old and you fucking [sawing] if you, if you believe it Well that's right. Yeah but not everybody But wants you out Trev, he might burst a. I. Yeah, it's true, you take bits of The Sweeney, yeah, they done an episode of where there's bank raid and what they don't want they use mask, masking tape right [whistling] like that and end up. Got to try and come up with the rest of them that's how they done it, a couple of days after somebody re-enact that again. Yeah, but the thing is right, they, that's because they're criminally insane any way, it may have given them an idea but it doesn't mean that that women or whoever it might not of died any way. I don't see why, why the, the many should suffer because of the few idiots. Trouble is they lie. you lie. Yeah, but even so, the well it, you're I wouldn't see a film. Do you think, you see you've got to get another bloke and bloody great, he'll do the same thing. Well, we can't the only way stop it all together and that ain't gonna. Do. When we. Yeah. Well I mean I've known this bloke, if somebody's gonna do something like that whether they see it on a film or not, I still go out and do it, they make it. look, look. I've. Once upon a time there. Oh yeah, but some people, you can't, you can't not for everybody do it. No, no, no, oh no, not. you've got all this America's, the America's,, not a lot. Oh yeah. Oh yeah, I agree with that, I, were are afterwards, were are body. Yeah way of life. I mean I think to a, I think to a degree we always have been fifty sort of thing when the rock "n" roll started to come over... then again you see for we, we look little one. Little one... . You know, the only way, the only way you can stop them is to. All I know is that any, any sight, any sight person who watches television doesn't forcibly go out and re-enact it. I, I. Well, I don't think so. I was gonna say, if, if, if he, if he's not reasonably sane then he might be, he's gonna do, go out and do something like that any way Yeah. he makes a plan a diff a different way sort of thing. The, the idea have been planted there any way. Yeah... all the film bloke's have way of doing it, which he, he probably would of found out any way. It's not hard to kill or damage any one... [yawning] it'll be a long old day today I reckon [], dragging already. I'm might say, what I'm, I'm not saying that film but in some, in some cases he don't, you know, there has always been he don't in this a lot of people. Yeah. Yeah I'll go along with that. Yeah I would. Yeah I'll go along with that. . Hear, hear. I don't know what were going along with so I ain't gotta say. Hear, hear. What are we going along with? Dunno. Sometimes a small minority of people can be influenced by what they see via the films or something. Yeah, I'll go along with that. I'll go along with that old boy. Yeah, just. [LAUGHTER]. I still don't think do about it.
[Nigel:] Shut up we played the, you think about all them mother's.
[speaker004:] Oh or something.
[Nigel:] Big of them there.
[speaker004:] . Yeah, who was, who was there, who was there there though. . Who was there there though. They reached thirteen nine, cos they'd two and a half times amount of play. Who was there. Either that or there, all had there boots. Charlie loves the didn't he? Oh god, I think fucking Charlie. I rang about half six. . Making a funny. Fucking weren't,.. They might be. It goes. . Wasting my time. after. No, it's not. . . what other game I'll be the one laughing. Morning Chris. What you doing, gonna do, go one and one after work are ya? , I'm only winding him up. Look boy, you've never played in an eleven side match before,. Yeah, look's like. They've got to stop every five minutes for a.
[Barry:] Thank you very much, they're well stitched.
[Mark:] It's not a stitch up. Trying to find.
[Barry:] What I mean to say it's not very, it could be appreciated if they about it, but we just er left to do it and then tell him afterwards the bits.
[speaker004:] Really?
[Mark:] if you draw that much to it, you'll be entitled to wipe your bit off, not got to worry about it. You don't have to tell his why doing it, but he has to tell you afterwards. If somebody, he tapes somebody and they draw exception to it, say right, tell them I don't want to be taped.
[Barry:] If, you wanna be taped or what.
[Mark:] No, it's entirely anonymous all they're trying to do is find out how people speak.
[Barry:] What about fuck off, that's it want, every day a modern day plan.
[Mark:] That's what they want, as they're doing a dictionary.
[speaker004:] No find it keeps. . . Oh, we just we just had a fairly intelligent conversation I thought. Er, thank you very much. None of us is blooming Einstein.
[Stuart:] Tell you what Mark, that must be a hell of a job trying to collate all this information you know, must be a hell of a job trying to collate all this information they're gonna have to get, I mean how many people are they gonna get to do this?
[Mark:] .
[Stuart:] It's gotta be a lot of people to get a rough guide in it?
[Mark:] Well what they're doing is that.
[Stuart:] Check this out old boy.
[Mark:] Right guys, I'm gonna need a hand on this one anybody? Need a hand.
[speaker004:] . Barry might. What's this, what's this. Might need a hand,. . Might need a hand. Oh [LAUGHTER]. . What erm, what seems to be erm
[Mark:] Just to do that.
[speaker004:] Oh this is the erm... Are we erm, happy with us? Yes. Jolly good, pretty good all round. Oh, that's... too much. Were all. All that as well. There's a well there you go, ban from the sink kitchen.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER].
[speaker004:] Yeah, there's no answer to that. . He needs. Sounds like a good name for a pop group don't it? .
[Mark:] Quiet on this section at the moment in it?
[speaker004:] You keep...
[Mark:] must be the quietest time of day for us.
[speaker004:] Yeah.
[Mark:] That and dinner. I'll turn it off dinner time, don't want to hear the sound of Chris's snoring. What time is it?
[speaker004:] Quarter too. .
[Mark:] Oh right, we can go out.
[speaker004:] Oh fucking hell,. ... I know some guy still takes snuff every now and again.
[Mark:] What's it made off this snuff?
[speaker004:] Clears the nose don't it? That's right, makes you sneeze don't it? What.
[Mark:] Goes get's a little shop in, it's an old form of.
[speaker004:] What? be able to make some... . yet? I've always got a. watching. I hate that stuff. . Like from sex shops and stuff like that, that is. Bit that old bag in it? That ain't like the bag oh thought that she meant the come out of. Oh. Does dunnit.... Bob and Tony go to the club this afternoon put her down, if I'm any where near that I'd fucking stop and all sorts. Yeah, a bit late
[Mark:] What?
[Stuart:] Do you have to listen to every single one of those tapes?
[Mark:] No, I'm not suppose to, really. I think I will, list of all the names and that.
[Stuart:] Yeah. [banging]
[speaker004:] Well actually I. True. But I, I obviously try to. Yeah, same here. But... Yeah, you don't try and find a. you tape don't show that. Yeah, give me a. Yeah. Yeah and me. Yeah and me. Can you tapes out for you. Handy having one of them round your when you go in the office. Yeah. What's that? Need a then would ya? Yeah. Yeah and I hear the. . Who do you know. Ooh ah,. Ooh are, ooh are, ooh are, ooh are Rolling Stones first album. What? . Oh... before my time old boy. Works at Rumbold's as well didn't he?... . What do you think of that? What do you think of them then? [sawing] not it ain't. Better, shipping. down to me. Do you know I fucking do. I only put.
[Mark:] My god, there's tins out there stew.
[Stuart:] Yeah, so.
[Mark:] Why the fuck are you using them?
[Stuart:] Barry wanted me to use it up alright nosey.
[Mark:] Fair enough.
[speaker004:] . Don't see what the aggravation is over here. It's all your fault Barry use this up. . oh my life. We told to do that for ya. Yeah, see, better not do. [LAUGHTER]. And. Ah, well he's gone off sick. Just cos I'm fit you see. You see, she's got no. No, he's just gone on. I don't know whether he's gone on or something because it's.
[Mark:] They've already done that already.
[speaker004:] What?
[Mark:] A by the side of it, are.
[speaker004:] .
[Mark:] I had it, had it recording last night.
[speaker004:] whole lot about six hundred quid..
[Mark:] And er the cats started playing with the microphone pushing it about, [LAUGHTER], you can actually hear the cat playing.
[speaker004:] . bath. Never called greatest cat, really is, I mean, come towards ya, grab you and bite you and then if I throw him away about five minutes later he'll come up and bite you again you know, really fucking, don't just like, just keeps on doing it. My sister's got two Alsatian's, all they do on the.
[Mark:] my cat. Gravy.
[speaker004:] Yeah.
[Mark:] This little ginger one of ours, he's, he's a terrier, me uncle looked after a Staff a Staff Bull Terrier and er his name's Winston and he immediately walked through there as if he owns it, you know, the way they do. And he scoffed all ginger's grub
[speaker004:] Mm.
[Mark:] to the bathroom, you know, expecting a big welcome and there's ginger lying there, he's only about ooh of five inches long and he's only about, weighs less than a, immediately he's backs arched and he's hissing away there, his tail came up like you know
[speaker004:] Yeah.
[Mark:] and er he stood there and old Winston's trying to sniff him, giving it all the hissing, eventually has gone?like this and. Dog sort of stood there and looked at you know, he didn't know where to put himself, let him, eventually he, he's sort of, you can see it on his face did that, fucking thing keep away from me [LAUGHTER]. Stopped on.
[speaker004:] .
[Mark:] Say don't let it me near, [LAUGHTER] I don't want anything to do with it. Oh he's an engineer and he don't fucking know nothing.
[speaker004:] Who else. I'm a. [LAUGHTER].
[Mark:] Doesn't really matter does it?
[speaker004:] [LAUGHTER]. Oh, oh fuck off Mark..
[Mark:] What he drink.
[speaker004:] Who?
[Mark:] Him,.
[speaker004:] Oh, oh...
[Mark:] You're getting far too cheeky.
[speaker004:] Getting.
[Mark:] Oh fucking stand for that.
[speaker004:] What, what for? .
[Mark:] .
[speaker004:] You're lucky that if that'll be any harder I would fucking his fucking neck off for him. Try it sometime. Yes, let's go now, lunch time yeah. Yeah. Alright then. Let's go fucking now. Alright.
[Mark:] It's alright, still legible.
[speaker004:] You done a boogie.
[Mark:] What happen was we was standing this jeweller's, well really we'd been there, she half the stuff for me and er other people and that, but erm, were standing there for ages, and she come, I'm, I'm sort of standing there like this up against the counter waiting to be served, suppose to be coming back right, stood right on the foot, it hurt, but I thought ok it's a busy shop he won't so I'd turned around, sort of he was there, so I sort of went to him like that... and he was looked at me and fucking looked back, so I said are you gonna apologise then, getting right fucking pissed off cos I about three o'clock that day, hang over and being dragged up and down the town all fucking day ain't my idea of fun you know,ri right in a bad mood anyway, and he said no in a real fucking why don't you try and make me sort of attitude, so I'm just about to fucking say something to me, like, how out the shop and everything, and she said what's the fuck, what's the matter with you then? I said well that cunt stood on my foot, she said so, move out I said what about good manners then.
[Stuart:] .
[Mark:] Would of been right, you know would have been a nightmare, expected to all over the place. But if somebody said to me shop, alright you don't flare up face you flare up with them for not fucking apologising.
[Stuart:] Yeah, I suppose.
[Mark:] Me sort of, I said you gonna apologise then? He sort of said, sort of went... no, so I went don't fucking apologise me you shit and all this sort of stuff right. So I I fucking get it right, say something, I was right pissed off by this time, next, I, I, I stood out and step forward fucking get closer sort of thing and say something and that was it,.
[Stuart:] [LAUGHTER].
[Mark:] Makes me look a right cunt dragging me out of the shop let alone., oh I hate shopping, I had a massive hang over, right piss up the night before, Sunday.
[Stuart:] Ah?
[Mark:] Sunday, I, I was up ladder cutting the trees down
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Mark:] Oh, right, we row, we lucky we've got a row of trees all the way... along the back fence like, and in the summer when all the foliage makes quite a nice barrier for the noise and sound and stuff, but what were trying to do is to stop them from, were trying to make them spread out
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Mark:] the right way to do that is crop them, don't ya?
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Mark:] So there's me and a mate up a ladder with chain saws and that nearly all day yesterday, good fun actually. Give me a fucking chain saw in me hand I'm well away [LAUGHTER], love it. They're not, they're not big trees or nothing so I mean there was, it was only a, like one of these small power chain saws, one hand sort of thing, grab hold of it like that, there was nothing, no really big branches, were only cutting the tops off. We, we did trim them a bit around the sides, they were quite big, you know,.
[Stuart:] What are they trees or something?.
[Mark:] Erm, I don't know really, Oak, Sycamore a mixture. trees.. got a couple of Oak tree's, there in the corner you've got, cos our fence you've got that, my house is there right, road down like that and you've got a fencing, it goes like that and with got trees all around it.
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Mark:] And they're and they're, we've got Oak, big Oak trees that have started to get quite big now as they will and the rest is all a mixture of Horse, Horse Chestnut and Sycamore and couple of other like things in there. A couple of times we had big branch and stuff. You know good fun, love, love having a hand and chain saw. We, we hired one of these little ones, we did get a bigger for the, only cost us fifteen quid to hire three chain saws for the day.
[Stuart:] Where was that?
[Mark:] That was the, erm, the tool hire shop in, in North Camp.
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Mark:] it's alright. You pay for your own petrol and stuff. Oh yeah, yeah.
[Stuart:] Yes, it's wicked, wicked man.
[Mark:] Might go.
[Stuart:] Yeah, yeah.
[Mark:] Not got a hang over or nothing.
[Stuart:] No.
[Mark:] Still. I've been as fucking sober as a Judge since Friday night.
[Stuart:] Put me off I think.
[Mark:] Yeah, I only go out drinking now once a week so I think I make the most of it, can't remember anything I did Friday night again.
[Stuart:] typical night out.
[Mark:] No I don't know whether it's true or not I don't know whether they're fucking trouble is it sounds like the sort of thing I do, is we parked in the multi storey car park in Guildon.
[Stuart:] .
[Mark:] Parked in the multi storey car park in Guildon and were walking along and like there's all this, you go down to the ground floor and then you've got the first and second and er... you can get to the first floor where it's like the first floor the first floor is just above sort of street level
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Mark:] but, with, with this walk down into this, this dip so I had to get underneath and I said where'd you park? and he said the second floor taking the piss, so apparently three of his other mates who were well dressed up as well, and he, he said race ya, so I started off fucking, so he, he started off running through the thing right, cos said race yeah, he went, apparently I just climbed up the outside of the building... climbed up two fucking flights of floors, you know, I can't remember anything about it though. You see I can't remember if they're if they're pulling my plonker or not, but that is the sort of thing I do, but I can't remember anything about it. The only trouble is I did have quite, well it's easy though that's the thing... it's just like a, it's just a multi storey car park, so it's quite easy, and you, you know you can get strong when you're pissed don't you, like
[Stuart:] What fucking. Well either you have to think it's wrong.
[Mark:] yeah but I mean, I it, I when I'm fucking pissed, I can't sober, that's why I probably think they're, they're not pulling a plonker cos I've done that sort of thing in the past... had me fucking climbing on bikes, swinging off the side of the building.
[Stuart:] Oh I.
[Mark:] See I never know whether they're pulling, pulling a plonker or not you know, that's the real, like I said I can't remember doing it, but, I wouldn't put it pass myself and I fucking get stupid, I don't get aggressive or anything I just get stupid, you know, I do shit like that. I've nicked bus stop signs, fucking road signs and stuff, I just get stupid, that's if I get that pissed, I mean I probably talking of, talking of fucking all most not knowing you're right name sort of pissed.
[Stuart:] .
[Mark:] That's the thing,apparent apparently I couldn't even walk straight, and yet there's me fucking climbing up the outside of a building, which to me sounds about right. God knows how I didn't kill myself and the sheer of the whole thing was, it wasn't even on the second floor, it was on the ground floor, they were just pulling a. Cos I count.
[Stuart:] I, I use to go up the.
[Mark:] But norm nine times out of ten you went the inside of it.
[Stuart:] Oh yeah, just sat there in the outside, down a.
[Mark:] Well I, see, if, my memory
[Stuart:] Fucking people use to come out and fucking say to me, fucking wanker up there, I wonder if he's gonna jump, the old bill.
[Mark:] Well, my, my memory right, you go down into, into like a, the ground floor and the top of the, like the bottom of the next floor is about that sort of height, but there is a wall up there sort of thing, which erm, I, I must, which you could probably get on. So what they says is that I, I got on at this wall, jumped across onto this other wall, shinned up the outside of this other wall, stood on top of this the first floor wall and jumped up and caught hold of the top of the second floor wall and he reckon in the la about fucking twenty odd seconds, I was up and over and in, they, they, they fucking kill yourself, get down, I can't remember none of it. The on the only thing I can remember is running after the car.
[Stuart:] Why they all just piled in did they?
[Mark:] Well I don't know.
[Stuart:] to fuck off?
[Mark:] Yeah, probably, me and this other mate he'd a, did a, I can, I can remember him saying something about I'll race yeah, it, like I remember just remember him, me and him run running down ramps and stuff trying to get back down to the ground floor, so... [sawing]. Actually sometimes I'm pretty glad I don't remember things like that. You can see why I was in such a bad mood Saturday cos if I'd drunk that much Friday night you can imagine what sort of a hang over I had. I mean we got up about nine o'clock as well. but er I'd meet up in town and our house like twenty past nine, half past, get, get, get the bit of shopping done before the fucking crowds I might off wasted me time, we got in there about ten o'clock, right old day.
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Mark:] By fucking half past ten it's, it's well busy, it's so packed. [sawing]
[Stuart:] Barry's not there....
[Mark:] I bet you hate it when the glue goes hard.
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Mark:] That's the only thing with bonding. When you're fucking pissed out does compare to lot of them taking sister up to er Black you know.
[Stuart:] Yeah, I could do with some.
[Mark:] The thing is the said to me... she said, oh were going out in style and have a drink, had a really nice sandwich there like, it was french loaf about that bit, get nice home cooked lot's of cheese and onion right, really nice. Fucking dangling.
[Stuart:] Yeah, I just go and get this and I'll go and pop down to.
[Mark:] eat sort of thing. We eventually got in there about coming up to half past two
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Mark:] so I mean I'd been dying for this pint all, all day sort of thing, I felt much better after that. Yes that right, yeah, and that was the start of this erm I said I was myself but, but what get's me is people stand there chat, I mean your walking behind them and then all of a sudden there just stop dead, and you must be carry on walking oh god there's about twenty of them there blocking the fucking isle
[Stuart:] Yeah
[Mark:] and you've got to try and get round them, oh god, there's about six thousand trying to do the same thing. I'll tell you what my idea of hell is going Christmas shopping with them. and then you've got women all round the worse one's are the women with the kiddies in the pushchair, and you've got to go round and you.
[Stuart:] Tell you what women with pram's and stuff, there fucking tread on the babies head or something. Notice that supermarket's
[Mark:] .
[Stuart:] Yeah, fucking little kid like it's bad enough standing there trying to be calm and nonchalant like most bloke's do in the fucking underwear department.
[Mark:] Don't.
[Stuart:] Oh, I wasn't and erm, the next thing I know I've nearly fucking been bowled over, sort of the bags in fucking look behind me, so those two fucking bought the bags back down fucking legs and I've just caught this like running round another, another thing, I thought oh fucking little kid, the next thing I know there's another one gone pass me like, taken the bags, the handles out of the plastic bags, fucking and it was a girl that was going first this time, so I and sure enough there was a little fucking brat boy coming again, so I just went flying he sort of looked up at me and rubbed his eye like that and carried on running after the. I said you come round here sonny you'll. I was just about to wind up, right, you know.
[Mark:] brown bread.
[Stuart:] Fucking what, I, I'm, I think it was he's mum or not, some old biddy gave me a right old. put the handbags of the and as he came round I sort of went. And you know the only reason you've got a hang over and you know there isn't really any body else to blame but yourself, but that makes you want to look for a scape-goat, but the kid. There's nothing worse than being in a foul temper and knowing that it's only you, you've got to blame for it. It's really nice and sweet all day and it's fucking making me even angrier. I hate going shopping with them, she wants to go next Saturday, I said fuck that.
[Mark:] Go on your own.
[Stuart:] Yeah, oh what, I didn't actually say fuck that, I know I've got to go and get your present you know. Friends family and stuff, day sort of thing, that'll be quite a good idea.
[Mark:] right.
[Stuart:] She'll, she'll think that's right
[Mark:] .
[Stuart:] I know it's good in it? but erm, bought her, I've bought her a Ghost video.
[Mark:] A what?
[Stuart:] A Ghost video.
[Mark:] Oh yeah.
[Stuart:] Bought her, erm,, bought her a little I was gonna split that. I've only got eight more things to get her, I've already spent about, I don't know, sixty quid on her. Don't tell me your mates just gone to the sun and the sand as well.
[Mark:] Yeah, oh he's well in love.
[Stuart:] Is he?
[Mark:] Mm, definite marriage case. I don't know how, I don't know how they can stand to be apart. Ah?
[Stuart:] .
[Mark:] What.
[Stuart:] All of a sudden you, you done quite well and pick up a.
[Mark:] Tin, tin, tin, tin [singing] all his in the store, eaten all the fishes in the poor old master's []...
[speaker004:] .
[Mark:] [singing] [].
[speaker004:] I want that
[Mark:] [singing] in my can not see, with me []
[speaker004:] Hello Harry, how's it going in city? . . .
[Mark:] [singing] there was Chris, Chris trying to take the piss in the there was Chris, Chris gonna take the piss in the, my eyes looked in my can of, I have no with my, I have no not a, trying to make ya []
[speaker004:] [singing] We'll take it's up the [] What can you do. [singing] Always look on the bright side of life [] [whistling]
[Chris:] Here, did you hear that Barry.
[speaker004:] We must be the latest. your number one fucking... Oh, I must get... [singing] You've lost that loving feeling, ooh, that feeling, he's got that feeling which is, is gone, gone, gone, cos he can't go on no, wow, wow, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom []. can't go on no, wow, wow, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom []. What? [singing] he get's down on his []... Microphone when we start singing. Go on break the. [singing] We don't need nothing [] Oh, what we need is Richard over here to give us some of his crazy comments, yeah. never came over today did he?....
[Stuart:] Do you wanna tell me what number it is?
[speaker004:] . I could be what number it is. It is two, five, one, one, O it. C, seven, eight, three Hold up, hold up... what, seven, eight, three, seven Seven, four, nine... Got that on Monday morning I thought that was the worst time of the week. No it's alright, you fucking annoy me. That's what makes Monday worth warming his smile.
[Mick:] Fucking twenty five to three... clamped up fucking arsehole, about to stick one on tramp.
[speaker004:] Yeah, don't let him get that close to me. No, alright then. Fuck off, the lot of ya. We all gonna have a little sing a song. I have been. Have yeah. [LAUGHTER]. Yeah, where have you been? It's been.. I've been having. Ah, right.
[Chris:] Is that all you've done?
[speaker004:] No, I've done. it's a forty hour week man. We've been in at five past eight, we've been in past eight. No, yeah, but only works. Then again Barry we don't creep in at fifteen minutes past eight either.
[Barry:] I didn't creep in I just boldly.
[speaker004:] . .
[Mark:] He says that really well there actually.... Same dozy kind of voice.
[speaker004:] [LAUGHTER]...
[Stuart:] If the van was big enough we could put
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER] ...
[speaker004:] oh this won't notice.
[Mark:] Is he?
[Stuart:] [LAUGHTER]. Yeah he said look that's what I gave you he said. Here's the other half....
[speaker004:] Paranoid
[Mark:] I threw that actually and I didn't.
[Stuart:] I just saw you standing there with a smile on your face.
[Mark:] Can't help it I... I'm such a give away when things like that are happening.
[Stuart:] A grand total of eleven pounds
[Mark:] They haven't covered it yet, are they going to?
[Stuart:] Er... dunno.
[Mick:] Suppose they wanted us off.
[Mark:] making up cash.
[Chris:] See that... fucking brilliant....
[Mark:] petty cash.
[speaker004:] don't drop that.
[Chris:] won't be able to choose it.
[Mark:] I can't imagine who suggested it.
[Stuart:] a bit tasty.... Bit tasty.
[Chris:] Nicer than
[Stuart:] Let's have a look.
[Mark:] Give him... a little plastic clock.
[Stuart:] [LAUGHTER] Yeah.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker004:] clock [LAUGHTER].
[Mark:] Yours is in a right fucking state. He would be impressed.
[Stuart:] I told you he'd see it.
[Mark:] What? See what?
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]...
[Mark:] He would you know. playing around with...
[speaker004:] I'm playing diseases [LAUGHTER]. You're the only bloke we haven't got yet Barry. Towing him up the road.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker004:] They're all hanging waving.......
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER] Oh you broke it Barry []....
[speaker004:] An origami lesson.
[Chris:] Have you got nothing better to do than.
[Mark:] No.
[Stuart:] No.
[Mark:] We're making a, making a... we're making a collection for Mr
[speaker004:] I've got mine here waiting to go in.... Got mine. Got mine.
[Mark:] Oh sod
[speaker004:] I'll tell you what I'm gonna put in... I'm gonna put in fifty P you. [LAUGHTER] I sh I should have brought that Irish woman in. She was a bit thick. What that Irish woman? You really should.
[Mark:] I ain't used to her voice Who's got money?.... You can see it now can't you? Farewell day... he's gonna give his farewell speech, thank you for your generous donation. I really needed these two nuts and bolts for... for a chair I'm making at home.
[Chris:] Sounded like
[Mark:] No,.
[Chris:] Who's he?
[Mark:] Director of B S G.
[Chris:] Oh is he, I dunno anything about B S G.
[speaker004:] What about... oh no.
[Mark:] No actually 's not the top dog is he?
[speaker004:] Isn't he?
[Chris:] The shareholders can... vote him off the board themselves....
[Karl:] Could they sack the shareholder?... i i if there's a shareholder do they sack him?
[Mark:] No.
[Karl:] Could have.... Shit should have bought shares shouldn't I.
[Mark:] Actually I'm not sure
[Stuart:] Oh they can sack you on the works.
[Mark:] Yes but they can't get rid of you as a shareholder.
[Stuart:] They could buy your house.
[Mark:] Yeah but they can't sack you. But if you are a shareholder they can sack you.
[Stuart:] Eh?
[speaker004:] Got any money ready.
[Stuart:] Yeah. I've got mine here.
[speaker004:] Oh do sit down. That's where all the tape's going Stuart.
[Stuart:] I've only done this a little while.
[speaker004:] it's getting all out of hand now. Right come on knuckle down you guys or I shall have to get I've been knuckling down all the time. You what? Yeah, doing it on the wrong sides.... One mistake I've made since I've been here that is. What? ... [LAUGHTER] I said... I'm getting more enjoyment out of. They don't put their backs in it. And putting it on there themselves.... Yeah nice one Eric.... That fucking They don't work. Permanently on there.... Come on then, let's. Well they won't fit. armpits old boy. Oh I know. They still smell fresher than you.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]...
[speaker004:] That is nice, that is.... On the ball, as usual You know that boy you kept talking about? He's gonna be kicked in a minute.... Who's been tooling all the parts?... Ah! You! I noticed that [LAUGHTER].
[Mark:] What have you got to do then?... Well you come over here for?
[speaker004:] Put them in the fucking
[Mark:] Stuart, can you come and?
[Stuart:] What?... Oh no! The... Oh [LAUGHTER]
[Mark:] Cheers [LAUGHTER]....
[speaker004:] How do you know that? pack up. Or still to pack up already.... Certainly not you that's for sure. Cos it's too hot. I can't....... I know what I'm gonna put in... I'm gonna put in...
[Chris:] ?
[speaker004:] Yeah.... Who's fucking been cut the bottom off my? No idea. Somebody's been chucking Who's fucking scalpel from?... This fucking clock card? Why, what's he done? Cut the bottom off it.... Oh [LAUGHTER] What the fuck do you think you're done []? Cutting the bottom off yours like you cut the bottom off mine.... [LAUGHTER] Do you wanna fuck off? Well who the fucking hell says I did that?... I didn't do that.... I don't care who told you I did but I didn't do that.
[Chris:] He's taking it off the wrong hasn't he?
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] No.
[speaker004:] I apologize old boy.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[Mark:] You dozy git.
[speaker004:] Thanks very much [LAUGHTER].
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER] Oh I don't believe this.... An innocent onlooker and I get fucking
[speaker004:] Card vandals. No that's not
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] ...
[speaker004:] [singing] Yeah you know you make me wanna shout [].... I turn my back for one minute.........
[Chris:] Oh shit. Oh shit....
[Mark:] That ain't gonna....
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] ...
[Chris:] I don't know!...
[speaker004:] Where's the bits for this? That's the one. Where's the bits for this one?... [singing] One man []. One man and his dog Spot... [singing] went to mow a meadow [].... [LAUGHTER] paranoid.... you got to do it again. See you've got to do it again....
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] ...
[speaker004:] [singing] La la la la la America [].... ... go no slower now. I've got to make the job last. Mind your business Graham.... I shouldn't have to put the fucking.... Eh? I shouldn't have to put the fucking cut his card up a bit more.... Just cut his, go on... just a little smidgen. That's not his card.... No I know he's... taped it up hasn't he? That's alright. Cut it off right, cut more of the bottom off and leave the tape there. [LAUGHTER]... He's a nasty little... boy isn't he, really? Eh?...
[Mark:] Boring now innit?
[Stuart:] Yeah a bit.... Everybody's checking themselves so often that
[Mark:] Eh?
[Stuart:] Everybody's checking themselves so often... bit boring.... Can't even get... loads on anybody now.
[Mark:] Can't even what?
[Stuart:] You can't even get loads on anybody now. People are keep checking themselves so often.... They'd better not get any on me after I've done this, put it that way.
[Mark:] After what?
[Stuart:] After I've done this.... Well cos I can't check myself when I've got this on.
[Mark:] It's gotta be you that puts them on you.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [singing]...
[speaker004:] . Telephone.... [singing] They make me want a lot of things that I never had [].
[Mark:] What, what a singing voice?...
[speaker004:] Whoo hoo. that is, bitch.... And I'd be rich. Stinking rich... gleaming rich.... Yeah. pop over and see him No.... [singing] You're fooling around with me now [].
[Stuart:] He's not seriously going over there to get a... pound out of Richard is he?...
[speaker004:] Yeah. even did it.... [singing] Wa hey you lead me on and then you look away... wa hey well that's alright... I'll get you alone tonight... and baby you'll find you're messing with dynamite so what do you wanna make those eyes []... this guy getting drugs is... Lying git aren't you? Load of old bollocks. I don't even like nicotine. I don't even like nicotine. Who's she?...
[Chris:] Do you have the occasional drink at all mate?
[speaker004:] Oh yes I do indulge occasionally....
[Chris:] Er Jo.
[speaker004:] Believe it when I see her. They can't give... can they? They can't. Yeah I have heard we're getting The full works. yeah, the full works or something, yeah. somebody said a little cake. Ha! That's a bit going overboard that is.... Yeah well he probably meant a little cake you know, like the one [LAUGHTER] Cherry bakewell. [LAUGHTER] That's right []. Can I have six thousand cherry bakewells please. Yeah. Actually I like cherry bakewell or a mince pie each.... I get so, I just bung so much stuff in my lunchbox I don't eat.... If you wanna get rid of that cherry bakewell Have you got cherry bakewell?... Have you really? Me and Barry. You can have the cherry... and I'll have the rest of it [LAUGHTER]. I am very partial to cherry bakewell. I give you one yesterday.... I gave you one yesterday. That would go down very nice with the cup of coffee I'm gonna have in a minute.
[Mark:] Actually it's about time I had a cup of tea. I haven't had one yet.
[speaker004:] Thank bloody god it's Friday.
[Mark:] Eh? No. Not I. Who ripped the er... rubber bands off this?
[speaker004:] Dunno.... Oh it's me again. Yeah I'll take the blame. There is, specially round your area.
[Mark:] Right, I'm going to get a cup of rosie.... Better not get messy though cos... It's alright... all over me desk.
[speaker004:] You wanker!... can have a stagger round the town pissed out of. Oh, didn't I? Sorry about that. Still going is it? Come in? How many fucking tapes have you gone through?... Er... four I think. What, at work? sit there and play the whole lot. Are you gonna play the whole lot back? Well what I'll do is He tells me you was getting the beers in. No I'm not. I bought them last week. this week. We ain't going. You just won the pools you tosser.... Got erm syndicate.... You can have them tomorrow morning. Yeah, can do.... You've been wasting more. Stop sticking it on me back. Yeah, stop sticking it on my fucking back. Still still doing that. I'm not.... No, shut up you.... Is that tape still going? Yeah.... Mm.... Actually, what you should have done is got Jo to carry it around with her cos she could have got some very interesting conversations. Yeah... could have done. What?
[Mark:] Carry what around? Oh right, [LAUGHTER] yeah [].
[speaker004:] carry that tape recorder round with her
[Mark:] She hasn't come round here yet though has she?
[Stuart:] No.
[Chris:] No she...
[speaker004:] I'm not gonna put anything in or, but I want a chance to refuse. Yeah, same here
[Mark:] Yeah, that's right. Okay lads, money.... She'll say no thank you.
[Stuart:] Shit. Got any timesheets Mark?
[speaker004:] Here you are Stuart.
[Mark:] It's alright it's alright I've got a couple thanks.
[speaker004:] Oh your money out of you snack size it'll turn into a size. Sorry? Go on then. let's have a look in there.... Hold on, I'll give her so he can have some change. [LAUGHTER] He slipped up.
[Mark:] Yeah I've only got change....
[speaker004:] Eh?
[Mark:] I've only got a note I'm sorry.
[speaker004:] You're gonna do what?...
[Mark:] Think I might put in a note actually.
[speaker004:] I missed out on my didn't I? Paid out two rounds. Nearly nicked that. I got it yesterday so...
[Chris:] I said I'll... I'll I'll pay me contributions when I go.
[speaker004:] they've got a clear out on... clearance sale on.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker004:] Ten pe Yeah Ten pence a cup.... people are not putting anything in. When's this rave then? Eh? Well normally at a... sport centre and that. Big hall
[Chris:] Old Freddie Mercury.
[speaker004:] Cheers Barry....
[Chris:] Tell you what... if I the next one....
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER] That's nice.
[speaker004:] Sick. Oh what!... Right, that's it. Yeah I did. He was doing his po... doing his. Yeah. Did you do that? Me? No, wouldn't do a thing like that would I?...
[Mark:] Oh god here it comes. Oh look they're gonna miss out on it....
[speaker004:] Oh that's fucking choice...
[Mark:] Last day. second... oh I paid him back with Mark's fifty pence.
[Stuart:] It's two pence.
[Mick:] Well whatever
[Mark:] Yeah, righto. a token in
[speaker004:] be rich. Oh!
[Mark:] You're not gonna if you're not wanted.
[speaker004:] Monday I'm going.
[Mark:] I can see you're really pained by that. Oh my life, here's Richard. Hello Rich.
[speaker004:] Eh?
[Mark:] How do Richie?
[speaker004:] No, cherub's only er going over there and ask for his quid that he didn't put in.
[Mark:] Yeah.... That's fair enough innit.
[speaker004:] Bollocks.
[Mark:] Yeah, that's fair enough. Come on Rich.
[speaker004:] Your as tight a bloke as cherub is.
[Mark:] Put up or shut up.
[speaker004:] Yeah, we would have won anyhow.
[Mark:] I might as well just save my pound and give it to whoever fucking wins that thing cos I've never won it.
[speaker004:] That's right
[Mark:] Graham reckons Sid's won it so I might be the only bloke who hasn't won it yet....
[speaker004:] Well has Sid won it yet? Out of the original, there's only you and Jonesy.
[Mark:] Yeah but [LAUGHTER] Jonesy ain't here [] you cunt so it's only me.
[speaker004:] Yeah you probably put the other fiver in.
[Mark:] Do you hear that? Thirteen pound fifty two they've got out of nine hundred people.
[speaker004:] and all.... pound fifty two.
[Mark:] I know. Apparently Sid or somebody put a fiver in....
[speaker004:] We heard you give gen generously....
[Mark:] Did really, he pissed in it. [LAUGHTER] That's probably what they're gonna think anyway.
[speaker004:] [LAUGHTER]
[Mark:] Nine hundred people she brings back thirteen fifty two. They're gonna say hold on where's the rest of it
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] . I need a job Barry.
[Mark:] Yeah you're not the only one.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]...
[Mark:] I do need a job old boy.
[Barry:] Well you gotta fill your timesheet out.... Oh who did that!
[Mark:] Forty minutes.
[speaker004:] Sorry?... Said
[Mark:] That's your er... well, what's that doing there?
[Stuart:] I dunno.
[speaker004:] One pound seventy eight pence.... suss it out.
[Mark:] Oh who's... oh your dirty!
[speaker004:] Was that you?... Well nobody's buying the rounds. Oh, I ain't got any money on me. So when... when do you lot, when do this lot goes? Not next week, it's the week after innit?
[Mark:] Yeah.
[speaker004:] was gonna come up but he ain't got any money.
[Stuart:] I'm in France next Sunday....
[Mark:] Stay there.
[Stuart:] En francais.
[Mark:] Stay there....
[Stuart:] Thank you.
[Mark:] No problem.
[Stuart:] I would if I fucking could.... Nicer climate....
[Mark:] I wouldn't live in France if you paid me.
[Stuart:] Why? France is quite a nice country it's just polluted by frenchmen that's the only trouble.
[Mark:] That's why I couldn't live there cos I'd be fucking, I'd be every night.
[Stuart:] You what?
[Mark:] Good sport.... Let's have your
[speaker004:] Oh yes.
[Mark:] Oy. Is this definitely on for next Friday?
[speaker004:] Come on lads, make up your minds I dunno, I might have an appointment. I haven't. Don't be stupid.
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER] I see him throw it.
[speaker004:] Fuck off!
[Mark:] Stuart!
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[Mark:] Oh no, that's cruel.
[speaker004:] What's this? Picking on Stuart day?
[Stuart:] [LAUGHTER] I haven't done anything with them. Well least of all fuck with them.
[speaker004:] He's had his card chopped, he's had his timesheet chopped.
[Stuart:] All for nothing, I haven't even done anything today.
[speaker004:] Exactly. What do you get when you do something?
[Stuart:] [LAUGHTER] Well the times I do fuck with people's stuff and I don't get caught... and the... time when I haven't I'm getting hammered left right and centre.
[Mark:] Where's my erm...?... Cheers skanky
[Stuart:] Cheers what cunt?
[Mark:] Skanky....
[Stuart:] [singing] They call her flapper, flapper []. I don't fucking believe this. [singing] A bit of a slapper... she's not very dapper... she takes it up her crapper... [whistling] neighbours... everybody needs good neighbours... with a little understanding [].
[speaker004:] Thirteen pounds fifty two.
[Stuart:] Pounds fifty two pence.
[speaker004:] Yeah. We've heard, out of nine hundred people Quite impressive innit? Very It's a lot actually for very depressive. Come on then, give us some of the... fancy German... stuff. Eins zwei drei vier funf.
[Graham:] Wo hier kommen sie. Ich kommen aus
[Mark:] Where do you learn that then Graham?
[Graham:] Er... nightschool.
[Mark:] You actually took German then?
[Graham:] Yeah.
[Mark:] You didn't pick it up in Germany when?
[Graham:] No, I was doing... doing German nightschool.
[speaker004:] I beg your pardon?... Sounds nasty. Ja ja. Haben sie kinder? Nein.
[Graham:] Wascher... wascher nummer kinder
[Mark:] That must be kids innit?
[Graham:] Yeah.
[Mark:] Yes
[Graham:] How many children.
[Mark:] None.... I only got that cos kindergarten.
[speaker004:] Zero innit?
[Mark:] That's my father's name? car.
[Graham:] No, what colour's your car.
[Mark:] Oh. Silver.
[Graham:] Silver, silver ah.... Mein... mein motor ist er rot
[Stuart:] Red?... Yeah... mine's red....
[Graham:] Habens sie rot motor
[speaker004:] You're on drugs.
[Stuart:] Nein. [LAUGHTER]
[speaker004:] Mick got that one right.... Anyway
[Graham:] I'm not I'm I'm sort of like beginners course.
[speaker004:] Ugh
[Stuart:] Oh yeah well.
[Graham:] and I was gonna French.
[Stuart:] Eh?
[Graham:] I'll go and do a French C S E and er they basically... if you get sort of like a B or a C that's enough to get you by
[Stuart:] Parlez-vous francais eh?
[Graham:] Eh?
[Stuart:] Parlez-vous francais?
[Graham:] Ah oui.
[Stuart:] Er...
[Graham:] Un petit.... Un petit pois.
[Stuart:] Erm... oh shit.
[Mark:] Merde. [LAUGHTER]... That's who this is for actually it's Longman's. They're the... the people who do the the tapes and stuff for French and German and stuff like that. But it's it's also going to the Oxford English Dictionary, cos what they want
[Graham:] do you know it's gone. I can't spea cos I've been learning German I can't remember it.
[Mark:] It's all for the Oxford English Dictionary. What they want is everyday talk.
[speaker004:] Really? Straight up.
[Mark:] So they're gonna listen to Rumbold speak and think oh my god.
[Stuart:] What's this for anyway?
[Mark:] Oxford English Dictionary.... So, so I said they're, they're They're trying to make a... dictionary up for everyday language, that everybody uses. So rather than...
[Stuart:] You're getting paid for this are you?
[Mark:] Twenty five quid.
[Stuart:] Yeah?
[Mark:] Gift voucher. They're, they're, they're put well, they're supposed to be putting swear words in it, stuff like that you know so... They they just want ordinary common or garden speech cos basically to help sort of like English students actually coming to this country you know? They hear sort of rhyming slang and things like this and they think my god what's he on about. And I suppose... their slang version to... gonna help out other people.
[speaker004:] What do they do? Er don't know actually I mean he's told me all about this stuff. It's a lightweight.... Bog off you. I'm gonna hit you
[Stuart:] What I wanna know... what was all this fucking hassle in aid of?
[speaker004:] What hassle?
[Stuart:] Just minding me own business and I get fucking... things thrown at me, timesheet ripped... timecard cut.
[speaker004:] Shame about that.
[Stuart:] Fuck off.... Timecard cut, I dunno. [mimics crying]... It's just not good enough....
[speaker004:] No, they could have cut it a bit more couldn't they? I mean really. try and get out on time me old boy. Eh? No, I was talking about him. He was first out last time near enough. like anything weren't we old boy? Yeah....
[Stuart:] Yeah! I'm really stitching me... timesheet. [LAUGHTER]. I'm having me fucking stuff vandalized.... Did you see that? My person was attacked. Not to mention me timesheet.... Just what the fucking do you think you're doing?
[speaker004:] Is that any of your business?
[Stuart:] Think it is as you're using my tools.... Don't even know if I'm gonna be able to clock out this aft this evening. Oh that's gonna, that's gonna kill the cherub. Cos he wants a lift off you I mean what's he gonna do? Yeah old boy!
[speaker004:] Cherub, you should have thought of this mate. What's, what happens if he can't clock out tonight? You're gonna be fucked for a lift ain't you?
[Stuart:] Have to fucking walk home won't he? Have to fucking walk, don't bother me.
[speaker004:] Just walk anyway. over the bridge innit?
[Stuart:] Fuck off. Give me a mint for that.
[speaker004:] Give me a mint cos I haven't.
[Stuart:] Oh no, I don't believe I did that. [LAUGHTER] I'm having a nightmare.
[speaker004:] What've you done now?
[Stuart:] Threw away my bag of rubbish and stuff and [LAUGHTER] I had a packet of mints in it [].
[speaker004:] Oh Get it out, that'll still be
[Stuart:] Ain't fucking fishing through that lot. Twenty one p's worth of mints.... Got more pride than that....
[speaker004:] then.
[Stuart:] Yeah well we know what sort of bloke you are though.
[speaker004:] Fucking skint.
[Stuart:] That had better go in that's all I can say.... [singing] On top of old smokey... Arseholes are cheap today... arseholes are cheap today. yesterday []
[speaker004:] I never used to... I never used to realize what people were talking about at school and stuff when they said. That's hilarious innit? What? I never used to get that [LAUGHTER] though []. say it at school and somebody'd say that and go oh! What's the difference between a prick and a cunt. I bet he still sat there and laughed though. Oh yeah, like you do [LAUGHTER] []. No, you go home, you think about it and Yeah. you know? You daren't ask anyone. He didn't realize what he was saying.
[Stuart:] I I will always remember the poor guy who was... coming out of the showers with a hard on
[speaker004:] . He was queer.
[Stuart:] thirteen or fourteen. Oh this guy wasn't. I've seen him since with some really nice women and he had girls at school as well. No that helped him actually, trying to find out whether he was or not. Yeah he... come out the shower with an amazing
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] you imagine.
[speaker004:] Is that Stuart?
[Stuart:] Yeah....
[speaker004:] Get all the young kiddies fifth year. fifth year. in the towels and that. go in the shower with them on. fifth years thinking they're like... grown up and everything. fourteen sort of an an average sort of time for puberty
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[speaker004:] round his navel.
[Stuart:] It's exactly the same as, we had one
[speaker004:] And he was he was a big, not, I don't mean big down but he was a big sort of stocky bloke as well. And he was well well mature for his age. I mean he looked like an eighteen year old. There was one at our yeah. Exactly the same as ours. When we was about fourteen in the fourth year at school, there was this quite chubby bloke he'd have a towel just there while you shower. Yeah that's right, that's what He'd sort of hang out, he'd shower with his [LAUGHTER] you know he'd go like that, yeah look at me I'm, I'm mature sort of thing. That's so funny. It wasn't at the time because you had a real complex about it but...
[Stuart:] Right old bombardment I got then didn't I?
[speaker004:] anyone? Next page old boy, next page. Oh, next page even. Bloody hell! Perhaps there ain't none in there today. Could have sworn I saw some tits in there today.... I did see some tits in there, yeah.... Do you wanna go home? Jam special again old boy. Yeah quite nice. Quite nice. but I can't handle that pub. Thank the fuck for that.... [singing] Hi ho hi ho it's off to work we go. With a bucket and spade and a hand grenade hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho... it's off to Rumbold's we go... with a bucket and spade hi ho hi ho []. [singing] Hi ho... hi ho so it's off to work we go [] [whistling] [singing] Figaro... figaro figaro figaro []
[Mark:] Scrape the scalpel out.... That's right I do apologize....
[speaker004:] all the bollocks.
[Stuart:] What for? You haven't done anything....
[speaker004:] Right. Who the fucking hell you gonna blame now Frank ain't here then? Eh? You've got nobody left to blame have you?
[Mark:] You gonna clean my board?
[Stuart:] No, off.
[Mark:] Oh, you nancy.
[Stuart:] Look, I don't wanna go home with dirty hands, alright? I don't eat food with dirty hands either. I like fucking clean hands.
[speaker004:] Yeah.
[Stuart:] That's why I don't ever do any work.
[Mark:] Even when you're working. Cos you don't do any work.... Cos you got clean hands.
[Stuart:] That's why you... I think you're well out of order.
[Mark:] What time is it?
[speaker004:] Four twenty....
[Stuart:] [singing] And we're Leeds United [clapping] Leeds United F C [].... Yes my son? [singing] And so begins another weary day... so begins another weary day. La la la la in the morning I awake... my arms my legs my belly aches... [whistling] And so begins another weary day. Oh in the morning I awake, my arms my legs my... Oh my... is full of shit... my is full of shit... it's full of shit, shit and... []. Oi fuck off, punch your fucking lights out. cunt. Trev, maybe you didn't hear me. I said fuck off or I'll punch your fucking lights out.
[speaker004:] Oh, sorry old boy. [LAUGHTER]. Alright?
[Stuart:] Fucking well be.
[speaker004:] Well, you see.... But he's not saying that to anyone else.... Just have to wait and see. Not yet anyway. are you pulling my plonker or what? Like we'd love to just ask Barry what... just er Mick... He reckons we'll be going soon. . I I'll go after Christmas.... Sort me out well it wouldn't, would if I get a job.... I mean in a way I think it's probably the best thing that's happened to me for a while cos I could see myself... see the thing is I can... I wasn't ever planning to be here for even six months. And all of a sudden I was here for six months and then it was, then it's a fucking year. I mean how long was I gonna be here for for Christ's sake? It cou I mean it you could easily do three or four years here and just fucking get lost couldn't you? two year. Two years. Well that's nothing so bad because this is what you're trained for but Well they're car fitters look. All the time I spend here is fucking getting me further away talk about sheet metal work.... Well they don't know you weren't being aren't doing sheet metal work here. Thing is this is taking me further away from my trade. The longer I do here knows fuck all about sheet metal work. I dread going back to an aircraft company. I'm gonna do the pump and... go back with the chaps. Quarter to eleven, pick up the chaps and go for a smoke. he wants to see him. Yes he does. I told you that about two weeks ago. Why does he want to see me? Dunno. Just been told to... carry on round.... is this lot going Barry or what? This lot getting... are they getting, yeah.
[Mark:] Still getting... still getting
[Stuart:] Eh?
[Mark:] They're still getting a go at college aren't they?...
[Stuart:] Mm.
[speaker004:] Yeah if we do get the boot it'll be the next few months. What about our college course? Have they said anything? It's all paid for innit? Keep going. You'd have to pay for exams and all that, but it's all paid for at the end of the day innit?
[Stuart:] Is that it? Eh?
[speaker004:] seven I make it....
[Stuart:] See you later guys.
[speaker004:] Everybody else is going.
[Mark:] Old didn't believe me when I said this afternoon.... Will he be thinking of us when he spends his gold mancho that's what he'll get.
[Stuart:] Yep.
[Mark:] Will he still be thinking about us poor working, no I don't think so. What do you think the public are still
[Stuart:] I know its mild, but I feel its particularly
[Mark:] how you feel then, if I put you on. A paint party, [belch], we can all sit around and sniff paint.
[Stuart:] Yeah, that's it, you've got it in one.
[Mark:] Only, we didn't have any gloss...
[Stuart:] What's a paint party mate?
[Mark:] and a brush and they supply the... and that's it, you pay and get pissed at the same time [stretching noisily].
[speaker004:] Oh,
[Mark:] No, its not being in concert, that Jason, that something being taken for years, it must of been, Jason or whatever he's name is. Jack, he must of been painted for years, he's been on ship. Have you ever seen the real Jackson
[Stuart:] Only on the T V in it? I've put er a Royal Academy
[Mark:] I don't go places like that
[speaker004:] ...
[Mark:] Last time I went to the was the school one...
[speaker004:] Went to the Royal Academy when I was doing my "O" Levels,... it was a Jackson follow up it was about, ambulance was about twelve foot by twelve foot, it was literally splodges of paint all over the fucking place, it was horrible, you can actually buy them at the Royal Academy, you can't buy them at, but he was asking a hundred thousand pounds for it, I couldn't believe it, a trained monkey could of fucking painted that...
[Mark:] Well that, it probably is.
[Stuart:] Jackson is a monkey at London Zoo.
[Mark:] All you have to do is get one mug buy it, too buy it, he's made ain't he, ah?... I mean... see why they call people like Constable, Rembrandt a great artist
[speaker004:] I never see how they can call anybody like
[Mark:] About Picasso a great artist
[Stuart:] Na, I don't know
[Mark:] Its just... crap
[speaker004:] Its all
[Mark:] Oh who's that geezer who's just started who used to paint, can'think of the pop artist, Andy
[Stuart:] Oh yeah.
[Mark:] I think that's a load of shit, half of his stuff, I mean they're, they're good reproductions, tin of Heinz Bake Beans but any monkey can fucking do that... charge fifty grand for it or whatever they charged for it... The ones I've always liked is erm, I dunno if you've ever seen any,Ed, Edward Lanzear... used to paint a lot of er Queen Victoria used to do er animal paintings. Really fucking and her some of the Dutch masters Franz Hells and er
[Stuart:] Not really an arty person.
[Mark:] but, sort of like er, erm its like... so, some of those paintings of the wraps and beautiful boat, they look as if they've just been photographed, they looked as if they're a photograph not a oil, oil painting. There's...
[speaker004:] The only artist I know that brings to mind that I think is absolutely brilliant is David Sheppard,... You got a print on his works and its only one of a hundred prints, and even his prints are worth about a thousand pounds. No, but
[Mark:] What you doing?
[speaker004:] bearing up, er, under the strain.
[Stuart:] case.
[speaker004:] Mm, yeah
[Mark:] Times hard, thought of all days, thought the old lady still wouldn't let me of the old erm
[speaker004:] She would
[Mark:] she wouldn't,... good this week I've managed, I've managed to get the bottle today thought.
[Stuart:] See what I mean,
[Mark:] No, no, that is, that is true probably, yeah, this is true...
[speaker004:] finished playing that tape yet?
[Mark:] Yeah I have switched off.
[Stuart:] You've been up for weeks now, haven't you?
[Mark:] No, I have, I've got it, its out in the car...
[speaker004:] That's the keep er the actual, the actual master tape for that one I, I lent to somebody and I haven't got it back, I can't remember where it is... No I I pop out
[Mark:] Do, do, do, do you the place?
[Stuart:] I've got to go up the town, like...
[speaker004:] Right pair of art critics ain't we?
[Stuart:] That is cheap
[Mark:] What?
[Stuart:] These
[Mark:] Which girl
[Stuart:] She worked in er
[Mark:] What an inspection?
[Stuart:] Yeah
[speaker004:] Yeah
[Mark:] I dunno, I dunno who she's going out with, but I've seen her, I've seen her in the car in the morning when I, like this morning I was walking in, she was in the car just getting the old, but I don't know if he works here or not, she's got to be going out with somebody. I dunno I don't stare at people then
[speaker004:] You fucking lying git... don't you believe that he's...
[Mark:] To
[Stuart:] About right...
[speaker004:] I think Alex, I gotta ...
[Stuart:] or so...
[speaker004:] ...
[Stuart:] where's...
[speaker004:] ... I don't know I really didn't have that much to do with it
[Stuart:] What?
[speaker004:] He is right, he
[Mark:] Say oh Bob, how's it going?
[Stuart:] Who?
[Mark:] Bob, how's it going?
[Stuart:] Isn't he deaf in one ear or something
[speaker004:] Yeah
[Mark:] It sounds terrible saying that. My mum went to see that with my aunty, she said they both come out of there and they were wetting themselves, well
[Stuart:] Is this the one where, see a topless girl wobble them in the streets
[Mark:] Is it Airplane II?
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Mark:] I think they showed that one Christmas or something and were watching something else and we turned over and the instant we turned over, this girl wobbled across the screen, and my mum straight away switched it back on the other side... me and me brothers right in the other room watching there.
[Stuart:] Huh...
[Mark:] there,
[Stuart:] That's what I will be when I
[Mark:] I mean we, we keep telling the old man to book the weekend holiday so we can have outrageous parties and things like that.
[Stuart:] My old man would say good bye, yeah, send the mother away...
[Mark:] I think the old man's a bit afraid to go into hospital, I know that he's afraid obviously cos of the, the, this open heart surgery sort of thing but er, he's also afraid that, he thinks were gonna have er such outrageous parties down the close and were gonna be open all night and things like that.
[Stuart:] Did, even with the few times my parents have gone away, I've never held parties, I may of had a couple of mates round just to let them kip over or something, come back I've never, ever held a party, I wouldn't, I respect them, well I mean I wouldn't respect them make, every er penny they earned in the last fifteen years gone into that house, they've had one holiday in that time and erm, gorgeous house,... no its a lovely house, full of nice stuff as well, I, I, I wouldn't dare have a party
[Mark:] Well even if you do you'd clear out the stuff...
[Stuart:] Oh, I, well I never like so, even now I'm paranoid about it, its like a couple of times I don't know how I slept a wink, and these people are the people I trust because you don't want I know they won't do it on purpose, but I know, have seen what I'm...
[Mark:] Oh yeah
[Stuart:] my parents are far more worried about how at the party than the actual... kids are.
[Mark:] Yeah, its probably cos they've done it all before so, they know, they know what goes on there.
[Stuart:] I mean I'm too frightened the things what happened what you know, the stereo nicked and
[Mark:] hooligans...
[Stuart:] , [banging]
[Mark:] ... every time I ask him too, he says no you ain't allowed a disco out there.
[Stuart:] . Oh well he probably doesn't trust you whipper snatchers... first time I actually carried my licence with me.
[Mark:] Oh red one, you got one then.
[Stuart:] Yeah, that come through quicker, come through in about eight days that.
[speaker004:] Is that your licence back?
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[speaker004:] Wow.
[Stuart:] All nice and sh, all nice and shiny.
[speaker004:] The colour is red and green
[Mark:] Yeah, it. Yeah well they've had, they've erm, yeah the pink, the pink ones came in just after I passed mine.
[Stuart:] Yeah it come from, I, I wasn't expecting it to come back, it come through eight days,. That, that letter I'd written must of done the trick. I would appreciate, I put in, I appreciate, I would appreciate your co-operation. If you, if you put down the letter for people like this, sort of, I would of done one of two things, I'd would get really nark about that and the way they give you what you want
[Mark:] They either drag their feet or
[Stuart:] so far its, so far I've been really lucky in everything I've done that too I sort of got through really quickly. Oh yeah I never sort of like give it here or else and all this power, I would state my case firmly, but then I.
[Mark:] Yeah but its, you gotta try and give them instead of putting the law first, not...
[Stuart:] Well you're the one
[Mark:] man said you got any experience, I said no, I said well you know experience, I felt like saying fucking well how the bloody hell am I supposed to get experience when no one will take me, but I'm, I wasn't really interested in the sales work not quite [noisy]
[Stuart:] You're outrageous you are, you've got to have the gift of the gab in the first place, that's just to walk into a shop or office and [noise background], my girlfriend's... think that's what chain
[Mark:] fucking great
[Stuart:] Its not a meagre expensive place, forty, fifty quid... expensive enough though [noisy]
[Mark:] That could explain a lot actually... [noisy] See old London's Burning last night?
[Stuart:] no I missed it, it was the second part, see last weeks, but
[Mark:] Yeah they got Bayleaf out, they
[Stuart:] the
[Mark:] yeah...
[Stuart:] One geezer died didn't he, Rocky?
[Mark:] No, no, he's, he's, he's ok, wobbling around on crutches, it was the er, the bloke who got buried alive at they wanted him to go to er former therapy, go, slowly cracking up.
[Stuart:] You think about fucking buried alive by the wall.
[Mark:] Yeah,...
[Stuart:] Oh er,
[Mark:] [noisy]
[Stuart:] Why not
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] [LAUGHTER]
[Mark:] Not going to do you anything to help... [noise background]
[Stuart:] What, what are they doing with it?
[Mark:] There's only, they let [noisy]. There was somebody working here called er Julian, he was fucking [noise background] coming, coming out the pub about half past twelve, coming back in about six o'clock and then working on three [noisy]
[Stuart:] don't tend to take much notice of them do they?
[Mark:] No, really, mind you, its then there was quite a few people working [noisy].
[Stuart:] It is a bit shitty that in it? Its them that's threatened to stopping them do the overtime with.
[Mark:] Nothing you can do about it...
[Stuart:] is well out of order...
[Mark:] Yeah, to go and work. Here was that Jaws Three or Four they showed, showed on Saturday night?
[speaker004:] They haven't showed the third one have they?
[Stuart:] Yeah, I T V had it.
[speaker004:] Which one was that?
[Stuart:] That's one with the er underwater complex... [noise background]
[speaker004:] Oh yeah, I haven't seen the three.
[Stuart:] but there's five ain't there?
[speaker004:] made a fifth.
[Mark:] Did they make a three d one?
[Stuart:] Yeah oh that was good weren't it?
[Mark:] No
[speaker004:] They in the end didn't they? [noise background]
[Mark:] Does Roy Schneider appear in any more of them after two?
[speaker004:] Just two, paint after this one. [noise background]
[Mark:] I never saw them, but I saw the, the clips for it. [noisy] What's he going for the world record on, for appearing in most films, or
[speaker004:] [noise background]
[Stuart:] Most of the releases have got
[Mark:] Its Zulu was the first bloke weren't it?
[Stuart:] Yeah, he's an
[Mark:] See that last night, he was on telly before that in erm...
[speaker004:] He played in Jack The Ripper
[Stuart:] Jekyll and Hyde?
[Mark:] I can't remember the telly programme he was in... something like Budgie it wasn't Budgie though.
[Stuart:] Have you seen that er... Paul Hogan film
[Mark:] I haven't watched many video's recently.
[Stuart:] I, I can remember bits of it now, but I couldn't on fucking Thursday, I mean, there's this bloke in er, they're they're doing a banking job, while doing a bank job and he still doesn't believe he's the main
[Mark:] He is though in he?
[Stuart:] I ain't saying nothing.
[Mark:] Yeah he is, yeah.
[Stuart:] Fucking, fire's this gun at him point blank and he goes and he stands there... like this, and he, he stood there and he goes running round the corner sort of thing and then he goes he can't of missed from that fucking distance you know, and its that distance and er, in the, in the car, the mate goes, the mate sort of till he passed out, and he goes bring it to me, he goes, and its still alive, [LAUGHTER] he goes [], but matey in the front goes oh my he goes, I knew you'd fuck up he goes and so they're all blanks you
[Mark:] to be Michael or something
[Stuart:] Yeah That's what makes it think to the name don't he?
[Mark:] Oh he goes er this little girl runs to the he sees god and he can't believe that god looks like Charlton Heston, and you think
[Stuart:] Yeah, yeah I don't know what it is when he
[Mark:] He comes up to him and he goes, you're only a trainee, and he goes this is the first time we've ever sent the scum bag back, oh, the scum bag, that's a big strong even if you are god and he, he
[Stuart:] Yeah see the or somebody like that or I... yeah...
[Mark:] No good fucking me...... you are a
[Stuart:] Yes, its funny cos... its not often we get that one, but I
[Mark:] Its not a particularly believable film but its well funny
[Stuart:] Seen er, Weekend of
[Mark:] Yeah, its quite an old film
[Stuart:] I've only ever seen part of it I mean where they get it rigged up and the hit man keeps coming back and he, he keeps seeing him and he's, he's walking round the place and
[Mark:] Yeah, well funny
[Stuart:] he sits, he's sitting there like a fly squad,
[Mark:] yeah
[Stuart:] he flies
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] well funny, that must of taken quite a lot for that actor to play cos he gets chucked around and sort of things don't he?
[Mark:] Yeah, I, I tell you what as well, er I don't know whether you saw him last night, it was on channel four there's erm, its called
[Stuart:] No
[Mark:] now that is brilliant, really good, its sort of
[Stuart:] yeah, I've, I've seen it, its got the same dog as in the story teller
[Mark:] Is it?
[Stuart:] yeah it is the story teller
[Mark:] Yeah but its Michael
[Stuart:] Michael instead of, instead of
[Mark:] John Hurt
[Stuart:] John Hurt...
[Mark:] The directly after that on I T V there's Dinosaur, its brilliant
[Stuart:] Oh no.
[Mark:] its brilliant, its really good
[Stuart:] what?
[Mark:] Dinosaur's.
[Stuart:] Fuck off Trev
[Mark:] Yeah its brilliant... the puppets are fantastic in that.
[Stuart:] fantastic it stirs up a hornets nest.
[Mark:] Just like the Flintstones... they bill it though as I T V's answers to the fucking Simpsons, that's what the billed it as early in the, early Sunday's, they says in it by er, half past five we have erm I T V's answer to the Simpsons, the Dinosaur's
[Stuart:] Oh really good, I've never seen it, so I couldn't say. did look quite good though.
[Mark:] one year old. So you thought, you don't watch it then
[Stuart:] No.
[Mark:] six months
[Stuart:] What the fucking hell's that?...
[Mark:] , you are now being taped for posterity and also its for the English Oxford Dictionary
[Stuart:] Ah?... you're taping this?
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Stuart:] Why?
[Mark:] All these conversations are what they do
[Stuart:] Who?
[speaker004:] Oh yeah, you weren't here Friday was you?
[Mark:] Its the, its for the Oxford English Dictionary, its erm, what they're doing is they're making up a Dictionary for just using everyday collocation and they
[Stuart:] Is it yours or there's?
[Mark:] No, its there's, they're
[Stuart:] They come to work and asked or something?
[Mark:] No, no, they came to my house... yeah, bring Oxford Dictionary out, no its gonna be five quid
[speaker004:] Twenty five quid.
[Mark:] a day
[Stuart:] A day?, fuck off.
[speaker004:] Wish it was, I could do with
[Stuart:] Yeah I could do with How many tapes have you got?
[Mark:] Twenty.
[Stuart:] Twenty oh,
[Mark:] This is the fifth one, B side
[Stuart:] They providing the batteries as well are they?
[Mark:] Yep, batteries, tape the whole lot.
[speaker004:] Why who've you taped?, have you got to fill up the whole twenty?
[Mark:] No, you don't have too, just do as many as you can.
[speaker004:] Do five and keep the rest of the tapes.
[Stuart:] Yeah [LAUGHTER]
[Mark:] Yeah, you have to give back what you don't use.... Amazing how people's attitude change towards it when they learn you got
[Stuart:] getting a recorded, getting a recorded so can get a recorded contract
[Mark:] Ah? Who?
[Stuart:] Terence hoping to be discovered or something, they say, they say er,
[Mark:] Batteries going.
[Stuart:] Ah?
[Mark:] Batteries going.
[Stuart:] No it ain't, picking up everything.. And they left it with you, I can't believe that.
[Mark:] Yeah, you've got to sign for it.
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Mark:] What do you mean they've left it with me you cheeky little sod
[Stuart:] [LAUGHTER]...
[speaker004:] Have him Mark, have him.
[Mark:] Oh, oh, have you heard about that?, for a, oh have you heard about that, people are refusing erm the
[Stuart:] Why yeah.
[Mark:] Yeah, they are... what they want is the regional fucking words, like phrases which are particular to your area, like bull shit and the No, no, you, things like alright, how you doing? I mean, in other parts of the country its hi yeah, how are you, alright and hello and stuff like that.
[Stuart:] Alright you
[Mark:] But I mean they get a lot about
[Stuart:] Down here they get a few of that.
[Mark:] Yeah I know that's only cos its been deported down here...
[Stuart:] deported by Jonesy
[Mark:] Its amazing how you, you... came down here, but I mean duck never managed it did he?
[Stuart:] Right oh duck, what
[speaker004:] duck.
[Mark:] One of me mum's favourite sayings was lover, alright lover, I used to hate that.
[speaker004:] ...
[Stuart:] One which used to be around was alright uncle how you doing.
[speaker004:] Uncle
[Stuart:] Uncle
[speaker004:] Uncle Billy...
[Stuart:] What time is it, any ideas?...
[Mick:] Have we got the time fellows?
[speaker004:] Eleven twenty one...
[Mark:] That was another one of his songs weren't it, Yes I'm The Great Pretender?,
[Chris:] Yeah.
[Mark:] do the cover version of it oh Freddie Mercury
[Chris:] Yeah
[Mark:] that seems to be this situation don't it?
[Chris:] Ah?, dunno, don't even know the words...
[Mark:] Well yes I'm The Great Pretender seems to be pretty cos he, he, said he hadn't had, didn't have Aids.
[Chris:] Oh I, never said he didn't have Aids, but he's never, he's never said either has he?, he's never said he has or he hasn't
[Mark:] People who knew him, knew he had Aids.
[Chris:] Did they?
[Mark:] All his closest friends and that...
[Karl:] Aids have claimed quite a few victims now
[Mark:] I's, listen, erm, watching that Aids update Friday night... and er, there have been five thousand reported cases of Aids out in this country, no three thousand reported Aids out in this, in this country, and in New York alone, New York City alone, there's been fifteen thousand, they reckon there's about thirty four thousand actually carrying H I V... just in New York City
[Chris:] New York
[Mark:] I mean, I mean New York is what... has, has got a
[Chris:] London was the highest populated place in the world. Yeah. Yeah it is London
[Stuart:] William Golding, there, there were deaths weren't they?
[Mick:] Get this bat thing, get a smash his head open
[Stuart:] Yeah Yeah, for er English literature, I think everybody has though ain't they?
[Chris:] No I didn't.
[Mark:] What?
[Stuart:] William Golding...
[Chris:] No.
[Stuart:] Did you watch Of Mice And Men
[Mick:] Yeah
[Chris:] George and Lenny
[Stuart:] Yeah
[Mark:] Adrian Mole...
[Mick:] Brian... I see it
[Mark:] Is this for English Literature? Oh, oh Christ...
[Mick:] I like...
[speaker004:] Okey cokey... E I O... [singing]... fucking body building then ain't ya? got a bit of oil in that? Yeah...
[Stuart:] David's
[speaker004:] Na, it's not David's.
[Stuart:] That'll do for that lot won't it that little bit?...
[Mark:] On the one hand he was
[speaker004:] [whistling]
[Stuart:] Would you rather have a job?
[Mark:] Nose to the grindstone time again I suppose, in a minute.
[Stuart:] When do they all come here... for nothing... if you get a spare trade as well with that... except.
[Mark:] Take part in a... keep going for it.
[Stuart:] There's a metal tray... put that in.
[speaker004:] All they do is a put a little bit on the...... just keeps the stuff from sticking. Doesn't really stick.
[Mark:] ...... it's alright though...... just like the old fashioned pick them up... pick them up...
[speaker004:] [belch]
[Stuart:] Oh get out!... Right, see you later,.
[Mark:] See you later.
[Stuart:] I'm going to get... can't get no blinds... but they put up with that though... make a drink... coffee.
[Mark:] oi... Touch my...... sort out the... Like to think that we can afford something like this.
[speaker004:] [belch]
[Mark:] Right carry on you chaps... er... we all George, er
[speaker004:] Yeah
[Mark:] Afternoon tramp old boy!
[Stuart:] Good afternoon old boy!... Well what do you reckon seen that?
[speaker004:] Supposed to do it.
[Stuart:] Ah can't do that!
[Mark:] You're supposed to act natural when the tape's recording, I mean but... there again with
[Stuart:] I didn't know that.
[Mark:] with that is a bit of an impossibility innit! Being as he's totally unnatural.
[Stuart:] Apart from
[speaker004:] Do you want this? Afternoon. Yeah. I wanna go to the toilet... under your bench. You'll have it now.
[Mark:] They seem to hands down.
[speaker004:] Don't go under the bench Brian! Why? What? Why?
[Stuart:] I ain't go, give me the money then?
[Mark:] Your real mate, Stuart back or what?
[Stuart:] You calling!
[Mark:] Don't fucking have it!... Yep... Yes.
[speaker004:] [shouting] Alright! []
[Mark:] Which one?
[Stuart:] Little one.
[Mark:] [whistling]
[Stuart:] Aha!
[Mark:] [whistling]
[Stuart:] Urgh!... Urgh!
[speaker004:] Done any more on yet?
[Mark:] Eh?
[Stuart:] [singing] Da da da da da... da da da da da da [].
[speaker004:] Who wants that? Dunno.
[Mark:] [whistling]
[Stuart:] [belch]
[Mark:] [whistling]
[Stuart:] [whistling] [sawing something]
[Mark:] Like where they've done that... yep... that it?... Yeah. [sawing something]
[speaker004:] [whistling]
[Stuart:] Ah!
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [whistling]
[Mark:] [singing] time []!
[speaker004:] [whistling] I reckon those people'll be giving us most of their business. That's it.
[Stuart:] You what?
[speaker004:] I reckon those people'll be going up the wrong way.
[Stuart:] You what?
[speaker004:] Those people who are gonna go. Even by the time I'm... rich, doing... What is Well the old twen... twenty usually... that's what I'll do My daughter threatened to buy her something. Oh. No.
[Stuart:] When you haven't got any cash or nothing small... banging in something.
[speaker004:] Here Nigel... I've got some fifty pees. Brilliant! I'll let you have some.
[Mark:] I think you better
[speaker004:] We, I generally ask Maybe, that's always the way.
[Stuart:] I could get a couple.
[Mark:] Eh?... Yeah... gangland Mark. Watcha
[Stuart:] Whether you should put down... in front of the wing mirror
[Mark:] Yeah I know, I know.
[Stuart:] Brian said... I could come [sawing something]
[speaker004:] Those fifteen's
[Stuart:] Right, are you gonna go down?
[Mark:] Yeah. [sawing & drilling] [whistling]
[Stuart:] Are you alright there?
[Mark:] Yeah... [whistling]... Aha! [whistling]
[Stuart:] Caught actually bou bouncing about on the... that little we didn't
[Mark:] Yeah?
[Stuart:] bought the wagon round, yeah... I made them clear the site cos...... well actually it's twelve being as, they are a bit stained...
[speaker004:] Oh yeah.
[Stuart:] People had the money or the shops... they were on show on the... that most expensive dress shop.
[Mark:] Not bad... but that shop... they have er, the cheapest.
[Stuart:] Well I've never seen one shop.
[Mark:] , it's down Hampton Court... twenty four... twenty pound for twelves... they range from two pound for fifty odd quid.
[Stuart:] Yeah...
[Mark:] If I was gonna get one,
[Stuart:] Right.
[Mark:] Ah... oh shit!
[Stuart:] You wouldn't have to worry about them... that'd solve the struggle, trouble... er... you got them off the
[Mark:] Even have to have the same as one another!
[Stuart:] Just think it... can't have.
[Mark:] man... I think sooner or later it's gonna become law in this country that we
[Stuart:] But you think how... how
[Mark:] cyclists must wear them.
[Stuart:] you think how many people many people didn't wanna wear... helmets... See a lot of... Oh God!... And loads of people thought it was stupid... sensible.
[Mark:] Lot of them have... since
[Stuart:] That'll do.
[Mark:] Since
[Stuart:] That's right yeah
[Mark:] we've had it... since last January...
[speaker004:] Go on... how many wear a helmet?
[Mark:] It's law to wear a helmet... when you're on the motorway... came out last January.
[speaker004:] Oh yeah what these... can't be bothered
[Mark:] No!
[speaker004:] Tell you something. In case you... smack your head. Yeah... Innit?... Who said
[Mark:] Come over to my side of the room and have a
[Stuart:] Yeah but I might want a bit of help with it.
[speaker004:] About one in two wants to with a helmet on.
[Stuart:] No, sorry you're way out of line Chris!
[speaker004:] Yes.
[Stuart:] Way out of line, I don't know where you work that one out!
[speaker004:] Oh I dunno.
[Mark:] Yeah, I'm bringing it in
[Stuart:] We've go got one.
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Stuart:] It isn't
[Mark:] I mean cycling magazine
[speaker004:] But bikes maybe and all th
[Mark:] But I
[speaker004:] all the parts.
[Stuart:] Yeah but in the middle of road.
[Mark:] It will be made law, soon.
[Stuart:] [singing] []
[Mark:] Mate, I
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Mark:] my bike.
[Stuart:] Yeah bu, why don't you go up close?
[Mark:] We've already thought of that cos my bike
[Stuart:] it's not gonna help.
[Mark:] cos my... my bike
[Stuart:] Eh?
[Mark:] ends up on the pavement.
[Stuart:] Oh. I can't.
[Mark:] Had a hairline fracture of the skull.
[Stuart:] Why is.
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Stuart:] So
[Mark:] I do... won't explain your broken nose though Stu, will it?
[Stuart:] Might go and get help... aha!... Looks like most of mine face the other way... more than one.
[Mark:] See look... they can't do it.
[Stuart:] Goes like that.... Two foot... even in the.
[Mark:] Fuck off!
[Stuart:] Some of them facing square although, what happens?
[speaker004:] Well ain't you allowed out?
[Stuart:] Oh yeah I'm I'm not saying that they shouldn't make a mess or like that
[speaker004:] But also I mean... you can't do without a.
[Stuart:] I'm going out and all... and you can't come in without, signing.
[speaker004:] Anytime, anytime. See that'd slide down and break until and then you're trouble!... I think you should to do it... no problem
[Stuart:] Wipe out... well go without peak time I mean.
[Mark:] And then it's your time to do it, that's all.
[Stuart:] It's about time
[Mark:] Better get your old.
[Stuart:] Fuck off, you silly sod!
[Mark:] I ain't getting a yet.
[Stuart:] Don't lie.
[Mark:] It's a bad year for
[Stuart:] They don't listen... so I went outside
[Mark:] Down here.
[Stuart:] . [whistling] So why did you hit him?
[Mark:] Well I've had this before, I was starting printing... work or something... and then I like. My brother's one.
[Stuart:] You practice shots.
[Mark:] Yeah but I don't like... might end up a!
[Stuart:] Ha ha!
[Mark:] ... what I mean.
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Mark:] Sod.
[Stuart:] It's up to the blooming restaurant.
[Mark:] going.
[Stuart:] It means that a after policeman, it's like we're on grade three.
[Mark:] You you being a motorcyclist as well as all of these things... the helmets and... causes... tha that they would think like that... probably the motorcycle... and erm... for in compulsory helmet wear.
[Stuart:] I say.
[Mark:] Why not the same for bicycles?
[Stuart:] Dunno.
[Mark:] Kill yourself at five miles an hour in a car... I know sounds stupid!
[Stuart:] I probably wouldn't wear them. Probably kill them, on the head... well would be my problem to do it... see myself coming off
[speaker004:] Nobody really does.
[Stuart:] ....
[speaker004:] Well yeah but tha that doesn't mean the police do it.
[Stuart:] If I drive... I'd kill myself ride on the day.
[speaker004:] Police won't cos you are
[Stuart:] I'm not really stupid... that's why I'm driving home.
[speaker004:] What pillion?
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] If you like.
[speaker004:] But... I wouldn't like, like car driver.
[Stuart:] Oh!
[Mark:] Yeah I remember that, fucking thing!
[speaker004:] Do you?
[Mark:] Yeah. And after that we kept shouting Rock on!
[speaker004:] camp,.
[Mark:] And there was Pete's... urgh!
[Stuart:] I'm really frightened to do it though, at the moment... go over the
[Mark:] The old... see old beautiful legs
[Stuart:] really frightened of that.
[speaker004:] I was... where
[Mark:] He was.
[Stuart:] there was these two
[Mark:] Yeah but what they're doing... do thirty or forty... then do number six and only that far away from the handle bar.
[Stuart:] Well it's a lot different from what he told me.
[Mark:] Chance... cos they went out
[Stuart:] What was he I don't know whether you told him but he himself
[Mark:] Particularly on a right of way... It's as much your right to drive ar round the way you go I used to give myself two, at least three foot away from the kerb.
[Stuart:] That.
[Mark:] he, don't like he don't like right, I mean I still ain't paid him. He will do though... right let's ride the motorway down.
[Stuart:] Alright, but I'm coming down there.
[Mark:] Let's hope you find it, this time.
[Stuart:] I mean I won't come and do the record.
[Mark:] On the way home
[Stuart:] Gently.
[Mark:] we'll ride home that way
[speaker004:] Well you're... taking the right steps.
[Mark:] Gotta do seventy odd,
[Stuart:] See him ride them.
[Mark:] Hey!... what was the last time your old lady?
[Stuart:] I mean if someone wan wants me to do it.
[Mark:] We could walk and go and ma put down.
[Stuart:] Why?... Well I hope he
[Mark:] they're always go they're always about that far away... the less gotta swerve out to avoid.
[Stuart:] He said something else riding.
[Mark:] Ride.
[Stuart:] While he's about.
[Mark:] Just like one of them... that's why I pop out about that far away, so
[Stuart:] That's why I.
[Mark:] You sell don't you?
[Stuart:] That's right, yeah.
[Mark:] Cos then i I mean a couple of times I've, like I wouldn't
[Stuart:] But they've cut them... well they done it again about a month ago... no one could survive... They'll only do it to... get the get the key...
[Mark:] They'll still be is just walk straight in, it's only about eight foot deep... so if I'm going forty odd... there int a car bonnet.
[Stuart:] No.
[Mark:] So if a bloke goes in the back of us...... er er... by the bonnet, caught up with the before we start out... what... what....
[Stuart:] Ideally over it... on my bicycle.
[speaker004:] Well... what I'm saying is
[Mark:] You ought to be.
[speaker004:] and I you're not
[Stuart:] Won't be.
[speaker004:] no you're not... parked cars.
[Mark:] I don't know what to think... parked cars... the of a big... if I can see a parked car there... a long way in front of me... I go I am park that car... so it
[Stuart:] so it looks as though you haven't got in.
[Mark:] got a long way
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Mark:] you know... if there's nothing immediately behind me, then he knows that I I ain't gonna touch his precious parked car!
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Mark:] All all this sort of... riding off at a...
[Stuart:] Le, what they say?
[Mark:] Well I don't know but, you know
[Stuart:] Well I would ask, I got.
[Mark:] As soon as soon as you see a parked car... you should be looking to see what's behind its... and there's about six policeman behind
[Stuart:] Well there are.
[Mark:] If the before I come to go past it... he would cut back in and... and climb across... even if if the next car then back in again... you're just going, you start out of line...
[Stuart:] Well I did
[Mark:] and the thread bit on...... I don't do it all the time... look you've got half a sense mind... half a strong common sense
[Stuart:] Oh I get it....... I got pull over inside then the motorbike's
[Mark:] Yeah but you don't
[Stuart:] but you must have seen the metal nut in the front!... Then he left out
[Mark:] Yeah exactly!
[Stuart:] The way I look at it, is there anything you can do?
[Mark:] No... Stuart you come and tell... come to tell me police squad I don't think
[Stuart:] ... how to...
[Mark:] But we said so
[Stuart:] Well... yeah alright but I gotta
[Mark:] Yeah I was just saying, let them know... no... where we going then?
[Stuart:] Oh I
[Mark:] See I I
[Stuart:] Yeah but it could happen though.
[Mark:] I don't care!... Well what are you saying to prevent it?
[Stuart:] What's the point of taking driving lessons, or motorbike lessons then?
[speaker004:] It's a bit difficult.
[Stuart:] What is?
[speaker004:] And you, all day, you got some of the bits
[Stuart:] Whe when you have a cycling proficiency test
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Stuart:] No matter what car you
[Mark:] Better than my
[Stuart:] The rules are the same... you don't say... oh I can't go for a ride... and I'm gonna go through... announce my
[speaker004:] That is though Stuart
[Stuart:] Why?
[speaker004:] If you may... sort of done it...
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[speaker004:] Well it's it's kind of certain...
[Stuart:] What like that?
[Mark:] He did it.
[speaker004:] I don't know..., I would
[Stuart:] That's right that, I still don't see where
[speaker004:] Yeah... I mean...... you want your car I wouldn't
[Stuart:] Alright, don't!
[speaker004:] Cos I... ain't got time to do it
[Stuart:] do it... so
[speaker004:] David's choice, it's definitely
[Stuart:] I will pass this... he he should pass.
[Mark:] But he can't see it can he,
[speaker004:] Oh God! It's
[Mark:] Better take them back to
[Stuart:] No what I'm saying is, like,
[speaker004:] And
[Stuart:] or anything like that
[speaker004:] What're you saying!
[Stuart:] because I'm not.
[speaker004:] Don't bother to explain Wind this to er Ah no! Look I mean in actual fact, it's probably... well it shouldn't be Alright. If anybody's gotta stay there.
[Mark:] We have
[speaker004:] Say
[Mark:] bikes to ride home... or cars and Stuart.
[speaker004:] Somebody needs to
[Stuart:] Why does nobody... why's there been so many... accidents involving
[Mark:] Alright
[speaker004:] Alright
[Mark:] I... there is a fucking getting killed on motorbike.
[Stuart:] Yeah,ni nine times out of ten, particularly when there's cars around it is the car driver... that is at fault.
[Mark:] I told you twenty times about that!... The actual cycles...
[Stuart:] Yep.
[Mark:] you know.
[Stuart:] At the end of the day.
[speaker004:] tough luck!
[Stuart:] But I ca I can't... unless you cover... all summer... and yet can't see the... the ri bike riding down the road, driving a Would you see the
[Mark:] I would... I could.
[Stuart:] Yeah cos you're not out in the morning... must of heard from here.
[Mark:] ... yeah
[Stuart:] Can't see that it matters how good a driver you are, it's not always how good you are to
[Mark:] Alright yeah, I just want... and even fucking arguing!
[Stuart:] Yeah... to see.
[Mark:] Alright.
[Stuart:] [drilling noise]
[speaker004:] Can't do my work... it's the same as before, I'm just fed up with it.
[Mark:] Oh there!... Er... I mean er... by jumping down come down
[speaker004:] Oh does that mean doesn't count? Yeah... yep
[Stuart:] Get plenty of newspaper
[speaker004:] What?
[Stuart:] newspaper
[Mark:] There's that woman... that's the one out of
[Stuart:] Yeah... and a and a and a roundabout
[Mark:] Yeah that'll be probably be better won't it?
[Stuart:] He burnt out
[Mark:] No... them
[speaker004:] It's either that or, how about that?
[Mark:] Yeah alright... [yawn] Oh!
[speaker004:] Steven's gonna get wet. Want his fucking coat back!...
[Mark:] No we'll
[speaker004:] clear as anything. all ought to have a look, didn't we?
[Mark:] No the old bill probably. Yeah but I'm talking about going up to the gym.
[Stuart:] Yeah but it's gonna be quite boring
[Mark:] Who you going up there with?
[Stuart:] I'm doing a favour for the old my old gran.
[speaker004:] Yeah mate...... That'll be forty six.
[Stuart:] No... alright Si?... Don't forget it!
[Mark:] Top row... behind the.
[speaker004:] Is that where?
[Mark:] Is that right?
[Stuart:] Oh!... I ain't got no paper!
[speaker004:] Not, you know.
[Mark:] Yeah it's not, right, I went down there cos my... Yeah, that's it, yeah... it's about three. [sawing and drilling]
[Stuart:] Going to the mens?
[Mark:] Yeah... yeah get a bit closer.
[speaker004:] That means, we all do it, we always leave it outside the
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Stuart:] ... school.
[Mark:] Yeah I'll
[Stuart:] He said to me oh that poor old!....
[speaker004:] I'll have to... carefully...... borrowed off him, he never looked
[Mark:] Yeah.
[speaker004:] ,
[Stuart:] ... check before we left... brand new motor.
[speaker004:] they don't care!
[Mark:] gotta hand in that bag, It's gone... I can't. How do I know, I'll... I don't know... if [drilling noise]... Who's gonna be the other side of the?
[Stuart:] Who?
[Mark:] Chr Chr Chris.
[Stuart:] Why did he cry?
[Mark:] He said... on the one hand he was agreeing with you, right... that i it doesn't matter how good a cyclist you are... it's the fucking car drivers, nine times out of ten, that cause the accidents on... and then, on the other hand he was saying... but I don't see I I can't se ever see myself coming off... you know, he's fucking stupid!... I bet i, I mean I bet he's the sort of cyclist and... car driver that gives the rest of us a fucking bad name!... I if you drive along and a... along... with the attitude... I'm alright, everybody else, fuck them!... That's a sure fire way of an accident.... I you've gotta fucking drive.
[Stuart:] And they
[Mark:] You got
[Stuart:] and they drive
[Mark:] you've gotta drive... ah like every other cunt on the road's out to get you.
[Stuart:] [sawing]... I almost caused an accident coming back from Bedford yesterday, there's somebody in an X R three i... right up my arse so I just coming onto the motorway, the M four... to Bracknell... and erm...... comes right up my arse... and I had to come out cos there was this car coming on... you know, from further up the... the lane... and it was coming on... and I was already on, so I... overtook it... let it... did... to let it come out... you know?... And he flashed his lights and was right up my arse! So I... I sat by the side of this other car... for about five minutes... you know?... Doing about sixty, seventy, normal speed, in hurry to get somewhere... and er I I just sat there... and erm... all of a sudden I I thought I was miles past this other car... and I started going in, just to let him go past, obviously... and he's... I I didn't realise this other car was keeping up with me [LAUGHTER]... and I've gone towards it and I thought sh... I'd looked in my mirror... shit it's still there! So I just give a little bit of pedal and... carried on... but he was complete and utter bastard, really was!
[Mark:] Tell you what, I notice I'm doing, I never us always used to do it... I give fucking! Still don't.
[speaker004:] Right now I will
[Mark:] If somebody does that to me... they're right up my arse and something... came like that, or even just on a single carriage road, or anything... I'd just touch my brake slightly
[Stuart:] I always do.
[Mark:] Right?
[Stuart:] Yeah, yeah I always have done.
[Mark:] Right? And then... I tell you what, and even if they don't do it, I let them fucking stay there!... I won't... the amount of times I've... I've been in a car or something, where fucking jump on the brakes!
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Mark:] That's fucking stupid! Alright, it may be there fault, but what happens if he fucking get out of control or... then I can... I always try and do it now, if somebody wants to act like a cunt, let them! Don't try and retaliate... cos then if... if you retaliate the chances are he's gonna be even more of a nutter retaliating harder... so that gets me.
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Mark:] I... nine times Half a mile, and he was right up my arse... and I was going at a far pace forty miles an hour in a forty zone... and he just got, right up my arse, he was obviously somewhere in a hurry... somewhere in a hurry, you know?... I thought, this off he is!
[Stuart:] Nine times out of ten.
[Mark:] So I thought, sod you!... I am not gonna... move over and I am going at my own pace, so I slowed down to about twenty miles an hour... and it's a road about four miles long... and er... he just couldn't get past, you know?... Oh thes er there was oncoming traffic, just couldn't get past... and I thought, fuck it!... You're gonna stop behind me mate... and I'm gonna do my own speed... and that annoyed him more... than anything else... that was annoying him.
[Stuart:] But why did you try and annoy him?... Alright he was not
[Mark:] Because he was annoying me, he was right up my arse!
[Stuart:] yeah but it isn't a battle!
[Mark:] No it isn't a battle, but... it's not everybody retaliate
[Stuart:] Who who who gets the best who... no but you shouldn't do that's why there's so many accidents with people retaliating.
[Mark:] So!... Course they do!
[Stuart:] But don't... don't get me wrong... I mean I'm not saying I'm a fucking... saint, cos I've done and I'll probably do it again... but
[Mark:] But doesn't it annoy when somebody's
[Stuart:] Nine ti
[Mark:] sitting right up your arse?... About two foot
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Mark:] away from you?
[speaker004:] I slow right fucking down!
[Mark:] That's what I do.
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Mark:] Like I said... twenty miles an hour... that
[speaker004:] That's a ain't it so?
[Mark:] That's annoying you... but for how long without changing your speed,I yo you don't
[speaker004:] Yeah well they speed up!
[Mark:] you don't annoy me... it annoys them... they are the ones who are behind me.
[Stuart:] Yeah but he's your doing it because it's annoying you though.
[Mark:] Oh no I I, I find it highly amusing that they're getting fucking flustered behind me.
[Stuart:] You just said you did it because... them up your arse, it irritates you.
[Mark:] Oh yeah, that irritates me but, I mean it's gonna it's gonna make them think again innit?... Well they they don't have to sit right up your arse, on your tail.
[Stuart:] Course it would.
[Mark:] Yeah course it fucking would!
[Stuart:] Like I said, nine out of ten if I touch my brakes they'll drop back and if they don't then there ain't nothing I'm gonna do that's gonna make them... drop back.
[Mark:] Well there's plenty of things you can do to make them drop back.
[Stuart:] Yeah, stupid things!... Like slam on your brakes or going slow!... If you're doing twenty in a forty and a copper comes along and pulls both of you, it's gonna be you that gets fucking done, not him!... There's no law saying he can't be be an inch up your arse, as long as he don't hit you... If you're doing if you're doing
[Mark:] Why why why is he
[Stuart:] speed... if you're doing it in a
[Mark:] Why is
[Stuart:] if you're doing
[Mark:] I'm doing under twenty miles an hour.
[Stuart:] But, have you ever heard of an ob obstructive speed?... If you're, if you're
[Mark:] No.
[Stuart:] if you're obstructing the flow of traffic by doing twenty in a forty... or fifteen in a thirty... then they can, by law, do you. But like I said... if it... if you, if you do that then it's for them and for yourself... but them being up your arse is irritating... if you just fucking carry on as if nothing had happened, but you're aware of the th them doing that... then I think it's a fucking... I've... that's a psychological edge over them anyway... it's just the personalities obviously, but er
[Mark:] How can it be a psychological though?
[Stuart:] Cos they they... they've obviously not made sense to realise that, a dog might run out in front of you... but you're doing sixty in a... in a sixty zone and forty in a forty zone... you're gonna have to slam on your anyway... so it's them... gonna be stupid, it's not you being
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Stuart:] stupid.
[Mark:] That's what I'm saying... so there's no psychological over
[Stuart:] Cos if if you show them that we're not, they're not getting at you.
[Mark:] Yeah, that's right, they ain't getting at me, I'm getting at them... I'm annoying them
[Stuart:] No they're... can't you see by retaliating, they are getting at you... but if they hadn't of got to you, you wouldn't of retaliated... Like if I,i i it's like if I
[Mark:] Yeah but seen that, yeah
[Stuart:] come up and insult you... if it doesn't bother you, you won't say a thing, but if it does bother you'll come back and re say something back.
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Stuart:] Exactly!... So if you don't react at all
[Mark:] I ca I can't get out of that car... and say, you're a fucking wanker... I co the only way I could do, the only way
[Stuart:] No
[Mark:] yeah, but
[Stuart:] well
[Mark:] the only way that I can retaliate, towards him, to show him my cracking up there.
[Stuart:] Don't you see by ha... don't you see by not retaliating, you're already showing us something... it's just a personal opinion I have I've... it's like, I dunno if... you have the se erm... i if people are taking the mickey out of you, ignore them.
[Mark:] Yeah, that's right.
[Stuart:] The same thing, if somebody's annoying you like that, ignore them... like I said, I don't mean I won't just let them sit there... I'll touch my brakes a couple of times perhaps... do the old bit with the mirror... and like I said, normally if they're... if they're responsible drivers that have just happened, they got a bit close... then maybe they'll drop back... as I've done
[Mark:] No see... nine times out of ten
[Stuart:] but
[Mark:] they're fucking wankers!
[Stuart:] But they are wank that
[Mark:] But you know
[Stuart:] but if they are wankers... nothing you do, and including, I mean I've done it in the past, slowed right down and nine times out of ten... it jus it just incenses them to drive even closer.
[Mark:] Yeah, exactly... and tha that's when you slam your anchors on and they're in the fucking wall!
[Stuart:] But you've caused an accident!
[Mark:] Yeah as simple as that, yeah, I mean you've caused an accident
[Stuart:] So you soo
[Mark:] but
[Stuart:] been... driver
[Mark:] No, cos I haven't caused an accident because they, are in the wrong... anybody that gets, anybody else up the arse no matter what you fucking did to them, it's them wrong.
[Stuart:] I know that, I know that Mark.... But you would rather go through all the hassle... and the dam of having the damage repaired to your car
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Stuart:] and all this, just for the sake over a bit of retaliation?
[Mark:] No I wouldn't go as far as that anyway... but I'm saying... they're in the wrong... it's not you in the wrong, they're in
[Stuart:] There is
[Mark:] the.
[Stuart:] there is no law saying that they can't drive that close to you... you're advised against it.
[Mark:] Yeah, exactly... and then it's their their
[Stuart:] But then again yo you're you're advised against going over the speed limit that most people do, I do... I I tell yo like I said I'm not a saint cos like... a couple of times when I was first driving, especially in my fucking sprint... cos it was a quick car... I used to drive up people's arses and wait until I could overtake them... and if they did slow down... that used to incense me and I'd fucking, I'd go right up there arse and then probably try and cut them up when I went, overtook them... and I s fucking learnt, I got a... I had a couple of close calls like, people are slamming brakes on and stuff
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Stuart:] and, I didn't so much... I just thought... that it happened to me
[Mark:] I think you should get
[Stuart:] a couple of times, you know, people were up my arse a couple of times and I retaliated a couple of times
[Mark:] I think that it's that's very very rude!... Bad driving!
[Stuart:] Oh yeah but can
[Mark:] That somebody should be right up your arse, so if you
[Stuart:] Oh it's not good
[Mark:] that
[Stuart:] driving, no I'm not
[Mark:] that, that
[Stuart:] saying that.
[Mark:] that's the way I look at it and
[Stuart:] But you can't you see that
[Mark:] you... you just show them something to back off, as you say... and my way of doing that is slow down... and then nine times out of ten once they've got the hint, well I'll sp... speed it up again.
[Stuart:] Like I said, I've slowed down in the past for people like that and they haven't... you know I don't think that
[Mark:] Well if they don't, then you slow right down again... simple as that.
[Stuart:] So that's affecting your journey!
[Mark:] No it isn't!... Not really... my i... idea of a journey is... to get there in your own time, you don't have to fucking speed everywhere!...
[Stuart:] I don't speed everywhere!
[Mark:] it's better than fucking... better be being late... than not being there at all.
[Stuart:] Can't you that by retaliating... yo
[Mark:] No I can't
[Stuart:] you're interrupting your own journey as well.
[Mark:] No I can't... sorry... you're on the lost cause here.
[Stuart:] Obviously!... I mean don't get me wrong
[Mark:] If so if somebody is a bad enough driver to sit right up your arse, three foot away from you then... they deserve all they fucking get!... Simple as that.
[Stuart:] But I, I do agree with you... slowing down probably does annoy them more than anything else you could do
[Mark:] Yep.
[Stuart:] but then again I'd rather just let them get on with it... I'm not trying to convert you to the better way of doing things, cos obviously I don't know a whether there's
[Mark:] There no fucking better way of doing things, is there?
[Stuart:] But I do if you listen
[Mark:] Just that it's different... way of dealing with it.
[Stuart:] If you listened Mark... without interrupting, I was just about to say... I'm not trying to convert into a better way of doing things because obviously I don't know whether that's a different, a better way of doing it, what I said... It's a just a
[Mark:] It's a stu
[Stuart:] different way of doing things. Alright, yeah. Yeah but you interrupted!
[Mark:] Yeah, exactly... cos there's not a better way of doing as far as I'm concerned.
[Stuart:] No if you listened I wasn't gonna say that!... This is why you and Chris are so alike, you won't let anybody fucking finish what they're gonna say!... You just jump in half-cocked, and get the wrong idea of the argument then... I was just about to say to you... that isn't the better way of doing things, cos obviously neither of us knows that way... it's just a different way and it was just a... a matter of opinion... so I mean at the end of the day it doesn't really make no odds, as long as I'm not the bloke you're doing it to!... But then again... I wouldn't be up tha far up your arse... I mean, like you sa, you must have found yourself a couple of times getting close to somebody... and without realising it and then they
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Stuart:] maybe touch the brakes, and you back off, yeah.
[Mark:] No no I I don't do that i I... I I get to within about ten feet, on the motorway, or twenty feet on the motorway and that's about as close as I get.
[Stuart:] That's still too close.
[Mark:] Oh yeah, it's too close
[Stuart:] But don't
[Mark:] Ah
[Stuart:] you, don't you mean sometimes they touch they're brakes
[Mark:] I mean as I as I get a
[Stuart:] and you realise, ooh shit, I'm a bit too close here, back off!
[Mark:] No as as I'm going towards them I start touching my brakes anyway,
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Mark:] and I don't give any of this shit with lights... If they're doing seventy miles an hour, and I'm going faster... and they're, all the overtaking lanes are taken, then I'll slow down... to their speed, I won't
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Mark:] attempt to go past
[Stuart:] No I'm not I'm not saying that,hav haven't you found yourself a couple of times, not really so much on the motorway at all you just
[Mark:] No... not really
[Stuart:] you just find yourself up someone's arse... without realising it.
[Mark:] Not unless I'm doing it deliberately.
[Stuart:] No I know.
[Mark:] About fifteen, twenty foot... all the time.
[Stuart:] That's too close.
[Mark:] No it's not... they reckon you should leave a two second gap... if yo, if you're travelling at thirty, forty miles an hour.
[Stuart:] Here, have you got your erm... highway code here?... What are the braking distances you know?
[speaker004:] Three seventy five... a hundred thirty five.
[Stuart:] Seventy five innit?
[Mark:] What thirty?... Say thirty.
[speaker004:] Thirty is seventy five.
[Mark:] Yeah, four foot.
[speaker004:] So it's thirty by seventy five alright... by is thirty five.
[Stuart:] In which case fifteen or twenty foot is far too close.
[Mark:] Okay, it's too close... but how many, how many cars travel... any further than that apart?
[Stuart:] I certainly do.
[Mark:] Oh right.
[Stuart:] And tha that is one thing I'm, I mean I'm not... I'm not the best driver in the world, but that is one thing I do try not to do... cos as you say no matter what the circumstances are, if I go up the back of somebody it is my fault.
[Mark:] Yeah, exactly!... the back of too many fucking cars!
[Stuart:] And you still s dri driving fifteen or twenty foot away.
[Mark:] Eh... well that was just a fucking... example!
[Stuart:] Well I mean I, yeah alright.
[Mark:] I d I don't know how
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Mark:] far I drive away from them... it could it could be twe
[Stuart:] But you would, you think it's enough though?
[Mark:] it could be twenty foot, it could be thirty foot, it could be forty foot... how, how ca how far can you tell?... All I know... is that I think it's a safe distance for me to drive behind that car... at any given time.
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Mark:] And the only way you can do that... is when you judge... when you know tha your car.
[speaker004:] [yawn]
[Stuart:] Mm.
[speaker004:] What's that?
[Stuart:] I said what really bugs me is when I'm driving and you come from behind somebody and then somebody overtakes you and.
[Mark:] Yep.
[speaker004:] Yeah they come right up
[Mark:] Yeah but mind you
[speaker004:] then cut past. All I know... bibbing I'd your horn... and cut him up a bit.
[Mark:] Yeah.
[speaker004:] Then when he stops, get out the car and grab him by the neck then throw... then I. .
[Mark:] Fucking been talking!
[speaker004:] There you go... Alright excuse me going on the road
[Stuart:] Didn't realise you'd got the shafts again now.
[Mark:] Eh?
[Stuart:] Didn't realise we got the shafts again now.
[Mark:] We haven't have we?
[Stuart:] I think. Oh right.
[Mark:] I'd just had enough of them so I was gonna do them when we got the shafts, like... then I see what you do.
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Mark:] and I really thought you'd... got the shafts in.
[speaker004:] Oh that's dodgy that is! [whistling]
[Mark:] I'd rather do them again... dislike them.
[Stuart:] It's just at an inch this innit Mark?
[Mark:] Eh?
[Stuart:] About an inch deep.
[Mark:] Yeah,.
[Stuart:] Another Terence special!
[Mark:] Don't forget to put the old... inserts in as well.
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Barry:] After Christmas we won't have any work, but we'll have plenty of... spare benches in, we'll be laughing!... Spread ourselves around a bit.
[Mark:] Why who else is going?
[Barry:] Got Stuart...
[Mark:] and Alec.
[Barry:] ... Actually that'll be quite good cos you won't be on anybody's bench wherever... vi
[Mark:] Me thinks me hath... sharpened up my blade too much! [LAUGHTER] Well if I can, it's the wrong bloody head!
[speaker004:] That's alright.
[Mark:] Ha... I'm just glad I don't juggle with chain sa, chain saws!... Chain saws.
[Stuart:] They reckon there's somebody in the States that does, isn't there?
[Mark:] Yeah.
[speaker004:] There is yeah.
[Mark:] There is.... He was on erm... oh what's that ventriloquist, Ron show
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[speaker004:] That's right yeah
[Mark:] one weekend.
[speaker004:] my son's seen it, yeah.
[Mark:] Yeah, bloody three of them going! One slip and you're in the cacky aren't you?... [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] Your mate would be dead if he did that!... I just can't imagine how you could rhythm if it's like that... I suppose you gotta s start with them all running but still
[speaker004:] Yeah.
[Mark:] No way!... They're quite large as well, weren't they? They're about... foot and a half blades on them. No way!... I can't even juggle three
[Stuart:] Might even be
[Mark:] Ever tried... juggling, beyond three?... You can't do it, I tell you.
[speaker004:] erm what's his name, the er...
[Mark:] Yeah, yeah.
[Stuart:] He used to be able to do it didn't he, old tap tap?
[Mark:] Yeah that's right.
[Stuart:] Er... what was his name?
[Mark:] Mick.
[Stuart:] Mick
[Mark:] Metal Mickey.
[Stuart:] Metal Mickey.
[speaker004:] Ah does he have
[Stuart:] Can't
[speaker004:] now,?
[Mark:] No it was.
[speaker004:] It got did he?
[Mark:] Yeah he got moved out.
[Stuart:] Mick... Mick.
[Mark:] Worked in the part... the pioneer cord, little Yorkshire fellow.
[speaker004:] ... Vince. ... worked out.
[Stuart:] What did he do?
[speaker004:] Japanese one. Oi!... I I've spent a fiver on.
[Mark:] I said bou... bought a Proton motor car and took
[Stuart:] Yeah and about ten
[Mark:] Bought a Jap.
[Stuart:] walk back to the car lot!
[Mark:] He jacked it in for something different... did
[Stuart:] got...... about two hundred
[speaker004:] , yeah.
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Stuart:] Yeah it's... cabriolet....
[speaker004:] I see, And that and that.
[Mark:] Not Mick was it?
[Stuart:] No.
[speaker004:] isn't it?
[Mark:] No Mick was one of the... the brothers weren't he?... Pete... Mick.
[Stuart:] What's his name?... can't remember fucking name!
[Mark:] Who?
[speaker004:] Victor?
[Mark:] That's all everybody only... called him anyway wannit? It's for that thing.
[Karl:] Wanna know the regional accents as well
[Mark:] Oh
[Karl:] and all that sort of shit.
[Mark:] well I only lived in London for about six months. I mean... I've lived in here for the last fourtee thirteen years and I've lived in Northern Ireland and Bradford and all sorts.... So I...
[Karl:] You're a right mixed up fucker.
[Mark:] Yeah, well I was an... army kid wasn't I? So... we went all over the place.
[Karl:] Yeah. How long have you been down then?
[Mark:] Down here?
[Karl:] Yeah.
[Mark:] Lived in Farnborough for thirteen... thirteen fourteen years now.... I would have thought so. It's probably where I've picked most of it up.... My accent's certainly changed since I've been down here.
[Karl:] Yeah.
[Mark:] Apparently I used to talk a bit like a... thick northernish
[speaker004:] Sandhurst
[Mark:] Sandhurst.
[Karl:] A Berks... Berks boy....
[speaker004:] Born in Reading, lived
[Karl:] Berkshire boy.
[Mark:] You lived in boy's town?
[Karl:] College town.
[Mark:] Oh college town. So that probably explains a few things.
[Karl:] No... no Self circumcision. You'd probably charge me for it as well wouldn't you? [LAUGHTER] Only if I can kneecap first.
[speaker004:] That would probably solve a lot of problems actually.
[Karl:] Yeah?... Got water on the knee? Thanks very much.... Oh my life.
[speaker004:] It is isn't it? gotta go the other way
[Stuart:] Yeah I know.
[speaker004:] get the hump then. I told you, don't take any notice of him. The only ones he's ever done was bodge it and scarper himself so What? Your idea of bodge it. Bodging. Where's that screw gone now? Alright old boy? Wotcha. Fancy a bit of the old er pop groups you know? Video? Hello
[Karl:] No I'm busy you. Don't try and drag us away... down with your slipshod ways.... We're already there. [LAUGHTER]. Don't need dragging down, we're already there. I said don't try and drag us down with your slipshod ways. You two'd stick together even if you didn't agree wouldn't you? I do know I'm you inform me every five minutes. [singing] If I had a little money... in a rich man's world [] [whistling].
[speaker004:] [singing] Pretty woman... walking down the street [].... Pardon me....
[Karl:] [whistling] [singing] To Las Vegas or Monaco da da da [] [whistling] [singing] money money money... funny in a rich man's world []. Don't know why I'm singing that I don't even like.
[Mark:] Don't like Abba?
[Karl:] Erm...
[Mark:] What the fuck is up with you?
[Karl:] I dunno I'd... I'd probably listen to it but I'd I've never gone out and bought any of them.
[speaker004:] No I haven't. Not. They're back in the charts.
[Karl:] Are they? Have you seen that piss take group? The Aussie piss take group born again? Bjorn Again [LAUGHTER]. The Aussie piss take group... out of Abba. They're like erm... they they've got they've all got funny, it's, do you know like the Asterix names and that?
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Karl:] They've all got... it's like that but it's Swedish.... Like the they're names are Swedish sounding but... if you put them together like an Asterix book they they sound like something else. And they sing all, they sing all the songs and that. It's just a piss take group.... They dress like them and they look like them, they sing like them.
[Mark:] Cor, if they look like erm Agnetha... cor!
[Karl:] Yeah. Blond one.
[Mark:] Blond one.
[Karl:] She does actually. Well she doesn't
[Mark:] Fucking gorgeous.
[Karl:] I mean not brilliantly but she's a well tasty bitch whoever does it.
[Mark:] She used to be absolutely gorgeous.
[Karl:] And the darker, the er redhead woman as well.
[Mark:] Mm.... Many a schoolboy fantasy....
[Karl:] Yeah they used to wear like really fucking short dresses and... jumpsuits and stuff open to their navel didn't they?
[Mark:] Yeah....
[Karl:] [LAUGHTER] I remember it well [].
[Mark:] That's another perv....
[Karl:] No you're talking to the original perv here.
[Mark:] The Pans People era. You must remember Pans... Pans People?
[Karl:] Only in lust filled dreams mate. [LAUGHTER]... No I li I sort of, yeah sort of remember them. I... I can't... I mi, who was the last dancers they had on Top of the Pops? I can't even really remember them very well. That was a whi, long time ago wasn't it?
[Mark:] Yeah.... Oh gawd.
[Karl:] Legs was it or something?
[Mark:] Yeah something like that. Legs and Co.
[Karl:] Legs and Co. They were the last ones. That was er must be about... eight nine years ago.
[Mark:] Oh it was more than that I should think.
[Karl:] Yeah?... Probably is. Yeah I'm much must have been only a very young teenager....
[Mark:] Thirteen... fourteen....
[Karl:] Well, ten years ago I would have been twelve but
[speaker004:] What now old boy? Hey ya....
[Karl:] Ten years ago you were leaving school weren't you?...
[Mark:] No. I never left school till I was fifteen....
[Karl:] Oh... right.
[Mark:] Sixteen actually.
[Karl:] Right, nine years ago....
[Mark:] all over the fucking place....
[Karl:] Might as well get rid of that. As much good as a fucking chocolate ashtray.
[speaker004:] [singing] Do the walk of love [].... Er has anyone got a pencil sharpener?
[Mark:] No it's alright, here you are.
[speaker004:] [whistling]...
[Karl:] Do you know... when they won the Eurovision Song Contest?
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Karl:] Were they singing for Sweden?
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Karl:] They were....
[Mark:] [singing] Waterloo... I was defeated you won the war []. Oh shit... [LAUGHTER]... Mark remembers. I remember watching that as well.
[Karl:] I can only just remember Bucks Fizz.... That was a long time ago as well.
[Mark:] Cor yeah. You know what won them that? It was when they fucking
[Karl:] They was taking those skirts.
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Karl:] Yeah.
[Mark:] And they whipped the the skirts off.
[Karl:] Because they were both nice women weren't they?
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Karl:] Cheryl... Cheryl Baker and...
[Mark:] Oh god
[Karl:] the other one left didn't she?
[Mark:] Yeah.... Quite, quite a bit of disgrace actually cos she was having an affair with er the tour manager wasn't she?
[Karl:] Something like that. And they were both, weren't he married or something?
[Mark:] Yeah....
[Karl:] I thought she was the tasty one as well.
[Mark:] Cor yeah.
[Karl:] Shorter but prettier.
[Mark:] Shelley Preston?
[Karl:] Yeah.... That rings a bell. Shelley something. Shelley certainly rings a bell....
[Mark:] [belch] Excuse me....
[Karl:] Yeah they went into an upbeat... time didn't they? They... ripped loads of people off.
[Mark:] Yeah. Actually they... they were... quite good. They weren't bad anyway.
[Karl:] Oh I I would certainly reckon that was the best song on there for two or three years. And, and after as well.
[Mark:] Oh I don't know, there was some fucking... that that German one which won it, erm... what was her name? Nina.... Erm
[Karl:] Oh the one that sung in English and German and Spanish and French and Italian?
[Mark:] Yeah, right at the end. That was fucking brilliant.
[Karl:] I didn't like the song but I must admit I thought it was quite clever.
[Mark:] It was brilliant. That's the first time I've ever seen that done. Or ever saw it done on the Eurovision.
[Karl:] Yeah as I say I didn't like the song but I, that was well clever.
[Mark:] Oh I dunno, it got to number one. Europe wide didn't it?
[Karl:] Yeah. I know I still didn't like it. It got to number one here.
[Mark:] Yeah... I thought it was pretty good.
[Karl:] No, it wasn't really my cup of tea. But yeah it was well... she, what did she, she sung in English and German... Spanish and French
[Mark:] She went right round. She did the
[Karl:] Yeah.
[Mark:] the whole European countries.
[Karl:] I think she I think she did about eight or nine European countries didn't she?
[Mark:] Yeah. [LAUGHTER] I think the only one she missed was Turkish []. Cos that... the year they won that was the first year that... what was it erm
[Karl:] Turkey hadn't finished last or something weren't it?
[Mark:] No, who was it? Finland got zero points.
[Karl:] Oh that's right.... Finland yeah. Poor old Finland they never seemed to get many points did they?
[Mark:] The the the the trouble is... he got more recognition for that... for getting no points at all than he did probably if he'd have bloody won that thing.
[Karl:] The the trouble is though their... their erm language just doesn't lend itself very well to pop music does it?
[Mark:] Well no they're... the thing is with the European... Song Contest... each different country has its own tendency, has its own leanings towards different types of material. I mean no... no... erm
[Karl:] Yeah and you're you're own judge can't vote for yourself can you?
[Mark:] Yeah. That's it. I mean
[Karl:] That's why matey never got any points. [LAUGHTER] Cos nobody else liked Finland or something. But didn't they get that, get that
[Mark:] I mean they... y you
[Karl:] for two or three years though?
[Mark:] You you think about, yeah.
[Karl:] Two or three times Finland got
[Mark:] Three times on the trot.
[Karl:] Finland got no points.
[Mark:] And it was the same bloke each time. [LAUGHTER]
[Karl:] Was it?
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Karl:] [LAUGHTER] Was he the [] was he the only singer- songwriter in the country or something then?
[Mark:] Something like that.
[Karl:] [LAUGHTER] That must have been the only man ever to get no points three times in a row.... They have had some crap win it though....
[speaker004:] Been a couple of good ones though.
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Karl:] Well there has been like...
[speaker004:] Puppet on a Chain.... erm
[Karl:] But who was that... Johnny Logan. He was good.
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Karl:] That was a nice song.... We've won it a couple of times haven't we?
[Mark:] Won it about six times.
[Karl:] Have we?
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Karl:] Didn't realize we'd won it that many.
[Mark:] Erm... Bucks Fizz er
[Karl:] The only ones, it was Petula Clark and Bucks Fizz the ones I know.
[Mark:] Eh?
[Karl:] Petula Clark and Bucks Fizz are the ones I remember?
[speaker004:] Petula Clark, Lulu. Erm
[Mark:] Really?
[speaker004:] Er
[Mark:] What did she sing?...
[Karl:] Oh god...
[speaker004:] Er... Mary Hopkins...
[Mark:] Is that what she sung?
[speaker004:] Erm no no. Er Puppet on a String was er
[Karl:] No it was Petula Clark weren't it?
[speaker004:] No. Mary Hopkins. Erm
[Karl:] Who sung what did Petula Clark sing?... I can only remember those two.
[speaker004:] Er... [singing] save all your kisses for [] Brotherhood of Man.
[Karl:] Brotherhood of Man yeah, that's true.
[speaker004:] Erm...
[Karl:] That was a number one for years wasn't it?
[speaker004:] What you done now Trev?...
[Karl:] Nothing. He's just trying to take the grease out of his fingers....
[Mark:] Erm erm erm erm erm erm erm... Cliff Richards won it once....
[Karl:] No, he was a professional though. He wou, which wouldn't be allowed to enter.
[Mark:] Yes. It was.
[Karl:] Thought only non-professionals were allowed to enter?
[Mark:] No, there's loads of them. Really, as I said, really
[speaker004:] [singing] Say hey girl take a walk on the wild side [].
[Karl:] Yeah but I thought in the case of like Petula Clark and Lulu it was... because they won it that got them into the... scene sort of thing. Certainly did for Bucks Fizz didn't it? They
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Karl:] released an album on the strength of that song.
[speaker004:] Oh! Fuck me, he is in.... Course.
[Mark:] Ooh.
[Karl:] Bloody hell....
[Mark:] Hallo Damian. How the devil are you?
[Damian:] Hallo mate. Not too bad....
[speaker004:] How much is... did you have to pay extra on this?
[Mark:] Yeah. I didn't get mine with Tech I didn't buy Technics.
[speaker004:] No?
[Mark:] They were eighty quid.
[speaker004:] Eighty quid are they?
[Mark:] Yeah. Cos they're virtually the third best going anyway.
[Karl:] I I've heard quite good things.
[Mark:] Sony. I could have got but they were seventy quid. I didn't mind paying that sort of money but after spending so much on the Technics I couldn't afford another eighty quid
[speaker004:] You going home?
[Karl:] Yeah I... I might go and treat myself to some today. Cos they've got... see I don't know whether [LAUGHTER] I don't know whether it... makes it Hemmings hey've got nought percent disc er interest and all that sort of stuff on every single thing
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Karl:] so I'm gonna see if they've got Cos you can pay it off in ten monthly instalments you see so eight quid a month sort of thing. No I might just go an see what sort of deal I can get.
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Karl:] Cos I've been meaning to get myself some.
[Mark:] does it round about fifty quid. But if you've got a decent Technics he said you want the best integrated
[Karl:] Yeah I might, I mean I might I might go in... the best ones I can get.
[Mark:] Say I've got a.
[Karl:] I'm not... I'm not overly fussed about this five C D carousel.... But it's good, don't get me wrong, it is well... well but I... really don't think you need it.... Cos I, I mean I tend to change my mind about... I'll be listening half way through a song and then get pissed... get pissed off with the album and go and
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER] Yeah I know [].
[Karl:] change it. And nine times out of, alright say I've got another four choices but nine times out of ten I'll go and... I will have put those four on, in the mood that I'm sort of feeling then I'll fucking, I want to listen to something completely different. listen to The Jam I might want to go and listen to fucking... bit of heavy rock or something or... bit of pop or something you know?
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Karl:] So... I don't think I've ever... I've had it for about eight months now and I don't think I've yet... listened to all five in a row... without changing it.
[Mark:] Mine's just the one C D.
[Karl:] Yeah.
[Mark:] The only trouble is with that, if you're changing it for different albums all the time it can wear out the gears and that. That's the only trouble, cos I'm always changing the damn thing.
[Karl:] Well maybe it is a good thing, yeah. Cos all I have to do is. Cos you I I quite like the idea of these double ones you see don't they?
[Mark:] What?
[Karl:] The the double tray ones.
[Mark:] No. My auntie's got one
[Karl:] Don't think Tech I think Pioneer do them don't they?
[Mark:] Yeah, and Sharp. My auntie's got one... which takes six discs in a little box like that. It flips out... with six discs in it.
[Karl:] Yeah.
[Mark:] Which that is a good idea cos erm... if you get bored with one song or one album you just click it and it goes to that. But I have to keep changing it.
[Karl:] carousel as well
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Karl:] but like I said... nine times out of ten if I've got pissed off with an album I change all of them.... Just have a... and I I don't listen to that lot then.... It's well flash though, it really is. It's like I said you you can lift up the cover... and change four while one's playing. It's only the one that's got like the bit over the top of it.
[speaker004:] What's this?
[Karl:] A Technics carousel for the C D.... It's like five C D's in
[speaker004:] Two of me uncles have got one... stacking system without the... put in a cassette or a cartridge type allowed six.
[Karl:] Yeah.
[speaker004:] And it just ch shoots one in.
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Karl:] I must admit I quite like these little mini systems, they're well powerful.
[Mark:] I can't stand them.
[Karl:] Really?
[Mark:] I don't like them at all.
[Karl:] Oh I think they're quite good. Cos I've got I've got
[Mark:] There's no turntable though.
[Karl:] Yeah I know, well... I haven't got a turntable with mine but
[speaker004:] Do you remember Andy?... Tubby, worked out there.... He had about three thousand pounds worth of C D in his car.
[Mark:] Yeah. What, one of those ten... the one you put in the boot?...
[speaker004:] Fucking amazing it was. He'd say he'd give you
[Mark:] Gotta fill it up with ten C D's and you just got
[speaker004:] he give
[Mark:] like a little... pad in your car.
[speaker004:] Yeah he give... give me a booklet... and they get a little booklet with it. And he'd say just take a look through... he said... just any one you want he said and I'll programme it that'll... come straight through and he sort of s six speakers... fucking ridiculous.
[Karl:] What car did he have?
[speaker004:] Only an A M. Citroen A, top of the range Citroen A M.
[Karl:] Cos I went to this kit car show and they had erm
[speaker004:] Absolutely fucking beautiful motor though.
[Mark:] anyway not unless music coming out.
[Karl:] No. I was gonna say cos if he's got that, that much it's probably more, more than the car's worth. They had this, they had this A T Cobra
[speaker004:] Yeah it's about, no it's about fourteen fifteen grand
[Karl:] kit car right? and they had, it was a V twelve jag engine in it right? Under the bonnet, and it was fucking, it was it was the best kit there. It won, it won the best kit car and this was at the national show so you imagine how good this thing was.
[speaker004:] Mm.
[Karl:] And in the boot it had one of these things. And all it's got, just on the little armrest was like a little pack like that. And it could programme everything on it, just in that pack, the radio and everything.
[speaker004:] Yeah?
[Karl:] Fucking well. And I saw come just over the top of the doors as well. All nicely trimmed, oh it was immaculate, all chrome roll bars, chrome... bits at the front.. Fucking good car. And he started it up V twelve jag engine. I nearly fucking I was that excited with this car. It was fucking great.... But I mean if I had enough money to do it, like that's the kit I'd do.
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Karl:] Cos I've I've thought about a kit before but... for the money I've got I couldn't do what I really wanted. But if I had the money this is the car I'd do. And I've
[speaker004:] Well you've only got five pence so it don't allow you to fucking do
[Karl:] That's right. Doesn't even spend on the Airfix paint. And I I thought the only ones I've ever seen and they've got like things like three eight and Chevvy or... maybe a V er.... And they're all nice engines... but there is nothing that will ever get anywhere near the V twelve. They're just pure fucking power and it's it's... He'd sit there and vroom...
[Mark:] Bit like me really. Just pure pure power.
[speaker004:] Been dreaming again boy....
[Karl:] No this was fucking. Actually you remind me of my fucking Triumph
[Mark:] Sleek looks.
[Karl:] at the moment Mark. Firing on two cylinders.
[Mark:] Ha ha ha ha ha.... That nose of yours is really
[Karl:] [LAUGHTER] No, my car's are alright at the moment actually. I've put it in the paper this week again.
[Mark:] Have you?... How much have you got it in for?
[Karl:] Five fifty.
[Mark:] Oh. How much are you hoping to get?... Four fifty.
[Karl:] I I I'd take a drop of a hundred, yeah.... Thing is I, I actually think it's worth fi about five hundred. Cos they're not gonna get a brilliant car but they're certainly gonna get an alright one.
[Mark:] Yeah, but your fucking biased aren't you?
[Karl:] No I mean, the thing is I, all I wanna do is get rid of this fucking thing now. It's been sitting outside my house for over a month. And... it's got an immaculate interior... it's got an immaculate interior right? It's got average mileage for the, well below average mileage for the year. It's got an M O T, tax... two new wheels on the back erm... it's got an alright engine. There's nothing wrong with it. Er the bodywork's not brilliant... but for a B reg car it's alright....
[Mark:] Who do you reckon this cheap?...
[Karl:] It's gotta go on age really. It's... They're all as bad as each other.
[speaker004:] How many miles has it done?
[Karl:] How many what?... Miles... has my car done?... Ninety seven thousand.
[Mark:] Original engine?...
[Karl:] Er no. Had er... had erm... er...
[Mark:] Rekcon.
[Karl:] Rekcon at about twenty thousand ago.
[Mark:] So it's only done twenty thousand miles
[Karl:] No it's not full, it was just bits and bobs. It's a proper V L arts and stuff. It's not one of these Goldseal or anything....
[Mark:] So it's not the original engine?
[Karl:] Yeah. It is the original engine in the original car. It's just had bits and bobs added. Like... well... it it's had... it's had enough added to it a recon, but not enough added so it's a new engine. It's had well I think it's had a short engine rather than the whole lot.... It's a it's a good engine. I've never had any problems with it.... The only problems I've ever had with it was the fucking n erm... that thingie I had weren't it? The er what was it when you called out the A A? That was the... starter weren't it?... The er accelerator.
[Mark:] . Put it, put it over there mate.
[Karl:] Give it to me, I'm in charge.
[Mark:] Well
[speaker004:] Should have those... this week right? I've given the two to Jim as well together so
[Karl:] Right. Mark is doing them....
[speaker004:] Going over for inspection Then hopefully they're going on to
[Mark:] Yeah.
[speaker004:] Well we had a few problems didn't we? No, no problem. We're going straight
[Karl:] Well you've had your hands on all of them now so it's probably highly likely.
[speaker004:] [LAUGHTER] Fucking hell! I'd shut up if I was him.
[Mark:] Yeah I was I was gonna say
[Karl:] He helped me. He helped me fuck them up.
[Mark:] No. Where were you born? Just fucking tell me now.
[Karl:] He's got, he wants to know that dialect thing doesn't he?... He wants to know regional dialects and stuff for this thing he's taping.
[Mark:] London? Not Battersea Park. Battersea dog's home! [LAUGHTER]
[Karl:] Saint Thomas's? No.
[speaker004:] Saint Mary's I think. Something like that.
[Karl:] Who?
[speaker004:] Saint Mary's.
[Karl:] Saint Mary's.
[speaker004:] Something like that I think.
[Karl:] Yeah.... That rings a bell somewhere.
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER] Somewhere, somewhere [].
[Karl:] [LAUGHTER] Somewhere in London []. There's a [LAUGHTER] there's a few of them around in London. I mean. Not Saint Mary's.
[Mark:] There's a few fucking saints in London yeah?
[Karl:] Well there was for six months.
[Mark:] dialect... sorry?
[Karl:] There was for six months when I was there.
[speaker004:] Regional accents.
[Karl:] I was only born there and I lived there for about six months and then got taken out. Couldn't handle that any more.
[Mark:] Yeah we know about you.
[Karl:] I was such a party animal at the
[Mark:] So fuck
[Karl:] age of six months that they couldn't handle me any more.... No it's
[Mark:] they wanna know regional dial dialects.
[Karl:] We got moved on to Crete.
[speaker004:] The Oxford English Dictionary old man.
[Karl:] They're doing a
[Mark:] Doing a conversational... dictionary. Everyday common or garden speech.
[Karl:] So there's swear words in there, farts burps. We love you Chelsea we do
[Mark:] Especially
[Karl:] that sort of thing in there.... Guess who that's from? We've got a few er right conversations with Barry as well, slagging off the management so er... we're gonna use that for blackmail.
[Mark:] Blackmail.... But that's an ugly ugly word.
[Karl:] We like to think of it as extortion don't we?
[Mark:] Yeah.... It's a much nicer word. It's longer, it makes me feel educated as well dunnit?
[Karl:] [LAUGHTER] Shut up []. Oh dear. He's been going on all day old boy.
[speaker004:] Well fucking hell! There's him that... says that and you can't get a fucking wor word in edgeways when he starts yattering.
[Karl:] You can speak now.
[speaker004:] [LAUGHTER]
[Karl:] Have you had a... you've had a done ain't you?
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Karl:] I was gonna say I was gonna have the er top one off cos I was jealous. I was only like that. No, I was too late now. They've already had them.
[speaker004:] I'll give it a go matey, it'll come off. Halfway down
[Karl:] Yeah.
[speaker004:] Fucking take it all off if you like. Don't worry me. the fucking thing in a week.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] Now now Mark....
[Karl:] There you are Mark, are you gonna do that?
[speaker004:] What?
[Karl:] I'm gonna tell you what... come the twelfth right... anything I don't want damaged I'm taking home and locking up.
[speaker004:] Why?
[Karl:] I'm taking me chair home. Because with Mark and that the amount of practical jokes we... we've been playing anyway I can see fucking... saw, our legs being sawn off chairs and stuff. So I'm I'm taking anything I don't want damaged home I think the night before and then bringing it back next Monday. I'll have to stand up all day Friday
[speaker004:] Oh no, that's too much hassle.
[Karl:] Well I'll just get a jig... sit on it. Cos I can see a lot of fucking shit happening. last Friday
[speaker004:] What Friday?
[Karl:] Friday the thirteenth everyone's sort of leaving.
[speaker004:] Eh?
[Karl:] Can see a lot of practical jokes being played. Like saws and erm legs being
[speaker004:] Eh?
[Karl:] Well I'll get mine out. It's going in my kitchen.... afford to chuck away good stuff. Just give it a bit of a paint and it'll be... well away.... Eh you?
[speaker004:] Oi... oi [yawning] Oh god... hurry up with the beer []....
[Karl:] Have you got their new album. That's good as well. It's a good album.... See the video to that? It's a good album actually.
[speaker004:] I wanna get hold of Chris Rea's album. couple of his songs but his albums. Auberge is supposed to be a quite good one. Like, that's his most recent one innit? Yeah he's got Auberge... Road to Hell Road to Hell one and two. Yeah that's supposed to be quite good. I said I've liked... I've liked most songs he's put out I've just never had an al bought an album or anything.
[Karl:] But that er...
[Mark:] Anybody watch The Word the other night?
[Karl:] No.... That fucking Christian ate, he's a right wanker isn't he? He can't interview anybody to save his life.... He's quite a cool trendy dude and all that but
[Mark:] Yes.
[Karl:] he can't interview anybody.
[Mark:] No.
[Karl:] What's this new... woman like?
[speaker004:] Oh her... blond bird. She's hot mate. Yes yes yes yes.
[Karl:] Is she really. I ain't seen this series I just sort of remember from the last series. I didn't act I didn't actually mean from erm... the sexual point of view. I wondered what she was like on the programme, you know?
[speaker004:] She's alright.
[Karl:] Is De Cadenet till on it?
[speaker004:] Who?
[Karl:] Amanda De Cadenet or has she left now?
[speaker004:] Think she's left. There's only those two.
[Karl:] [LAUGHTER] Yeah [] it's great ain't they?
[speaker004:] Great. And he had this
[Karl:] Did did you see it a couple of weeks ago where
[speaker004:] No, I've never seen it.
[Karl:] where where they... stuck things on their head and he goes I know if I if I... if I stick a... a pot
[speaker004:] Yeah he goes I'm... I'm pot on his head
[Karl:] on my head you can call me Normal Lamont.... And he sticks a pot on his head and everybody goes... where's Norman? And sticks a pot on his head. Ah there he is! [LAUGHTER]
[speaker004:] Was it... you probably won't believe this but I've never seen a programme of Spitting Image. Never? Never. Better start fucking watching. The only is that bloke who's on the ten o'clock news I've seen the odd snip of it like on telly, but I've never actually seen a programme.
[Karl:] Couple of weeks ago they were going on about erm... Essex. Singing a song on Essex is crap, and all this lark. And that nigger bloke comes in who does the ten o'clock news he goes to all these people who live in Essex, we're very sorry that you have to take up this very abusive language and this sort of shit. And comes on you have to admit though, you are fucking crap, ooh. Taking the piss out of old Arnie.
[speaker004:] Oh... yeah.
[Karl:] And his little willie.
[speaker004:] Yes, yeah. Who's got a little willie?... Not me. Massive. Fucking hell! I didn't realize I had to... I just filled up watch London's Burning? No, I can't stand that. I say I saw the very first film of it London's Burning. I I've only ever seen the first film of it. make a regular appointment to watch I don't stay in to watch it and end up taping it. I watch I'll probably watch about half an hour tonight, an hour tomorrow night. There's nothing really though... that I would... I want to see other than American football. I tape that Yeah Minder yeah yeah yeah. Yeah I know I watch the first one video fucked up. . Taped every one of that. just on a Sunday afternoon now. Merlin or something. Was it on last night? Saturday weren't it? It's a repeat of the very very very old Gonna say, yeah Which one was it about... er? Christmas one I wanna see, they get killed off. Yeah. They get killed off. They get killed? some sort of drug or something Yeah. and get killed off. Do they? Yeah. Get killed off? Yeah. That was another programme which I, I've always thought was alright. I've never bothered I've never really taken... that much of an interest Only Fools and Horses Specially where... specially where they had the baby Yeah. Damien. Damien, and that fucking music [LAUGHTER] The way he was looking at it right at the end when he's... looking back at him and he [LAUGHTER] It cracks me up but it's not something I'd That and Minder are definitely I never saw any of the new Minder. I thought that new geezer was alright really. Yeah. Well if B B C one get it Yeah Yeah they'll bring Terry back. Will they? Yeah. If they get it. Cos I T V. Yeah. Yeah I know that, but why will they bring Terry? I thought that one got good ratings. Cos they haven't What, Minder? actually tried to replace him have they. Yeah. Oh I think.
[Mick:] Oh it used to crack me up. Cos the character was so obnoxious. You hardly see Kirstie Alley in it, she's only... forty five minutes and that's it. It's all you ever see of her though.
[Chris:] Yeah. She gets paid a fortune for that as well.
[Mick:] Yeah....
[Stuart:] [singing]
[Mick:] fucking made me cringe, that story. Because of the mother in it. with erm... you ever seen that?
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Chris:] Language Timothy.
[Mick:] Who's the little gi erm Ronnie Corbett.
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Chris:] Ronnie Corbett. He had that really overpowering mother. Marvellous.
[Mick:] He was about forty three years old and living at home and his mother was like... well wrap up warm now
[Stuart:] Yeah I know what you mean.
[Chris:] I tell you what, that was so... ooh you wanted to kill her.... Wound me up that mother.
[Mick:] The only thing that er... the only two characters that really wind me up... Mrs Mangle from Neighbours
[speaker004:] That's
[Mick:] Dorothy Cotton. She fucking gets on my tits.
[Chris:] Old Mangle doesn't wind me up as much as this... this other one one with glasses.
[Stuart:] Dorothy.
[Chris:] Yeah... this one winds me up more than Mangle....
[Stuart:] I mean how could she have a son like Joe?... I mean that, that is... absolutely... totally unbelievable innit? I mean Joe, Joe's... Joe's so Joe's so easy going isn't he? He's unbelievable. And he's got an old dragon of a mother.
[Mick:] Joe Mangle. Has he has he left the series for good?
[speaker004:] Yeah.
[Stuart:] No, cos he gets married to Melanie.
[Mick:] Melanie?
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Chris:] Who does?
[Mick:] I thought she'd left?...
[Chris:] Joe Mangle.
[Mick:] I thought she left?
[Stuart:] It is, it was in a magazine. You sure?
[speaker004:] Yeah. It ain't to do with Melanie, I'm sure it ain't.... with her donkey laugh.
[Mick:] I thought she'd left.
[speaker004:] How old's she supposed to be? Eighteen
[Stuart:] Stay on there you bastard.
[Chris:] They've all walked out on poor Paul.
[speaker004:] Eh?
[Mick:] Who have?
[Chris:] The girls.
[Mick:] Have they?
[Chris:] They were well tasty. I... and that Jane when she was in it.
[speaker004:] Just cos you've messed up your practical your your personal life... it don't mean you have to take it out on the rest of us. So wha who and he started getting all those carry on like that... all one at a time they walk out.
[Mick:] Ha ha.
[speaker004:] Jim's son. Paul
[Mick:] Robinson.
[speaker004:] Robinson. They're on about Neighbours. [singing] And here's to you Paul Robinson [].
[Stuart:] Home and Away mate.
[speaker004:] Yeah, I watch that and all.
[Stuart:] I used to....
[speaker004:] How's old... ha has she erm
[Stuart:] She's changed. Different character.
[speaker004:] Yeah, she's changed. No... has she She changed ages ago. Yeah I know. yet? I dunno, I've missed. I've missed. Cos I've seen that bird in something else as well. Who's that? Rachel.
[Mick:] Let's face it, they've all been in something else. If you watch Prisoner... ninety, ninety percent of er of the actors have... been seen in Prisoner.
[Stuart:] Been in Neighbours.
[Chris:] There was some, who was Paul's father? He used to be in erm
[Stuart:] Jim.
[Chris:] Young Doctors didn't he?
[Stuart:] Eh?
[Mick:] Yeah.
[Chris:] He was in Young Doctors. Yeah, Jim Robinson.
[speaker004:] Curly hair.
[Chris:] Yeah.
[Stuart:] Yeah?
[Mick:] Paul Robinson was in er Prisoner... Cell Block H.
[speaker004:] Was he? Shane in Neighbours was in the Flying Doctor.
[Mick:] Yeah. So was, so's Harold.
[speaker004:] Yeah. Henry's in er Home and Away, instead of Neighbours. Was. Still in it.
[Mick:] The thing is... you've gotta feel sorry for these Aussie's haven't you? Cos that's their idea of culture.
[speaker004:] [LAUGHTER]... Don't seem to do too bad out of it....
[Mick:] I mean we've got real upmarket programmes like Coronation Street.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] Coronation Street.
[Mick:] Eastenders. And Brookside.
[speaker004:] Crossroads... a few years ago.
[Mick:] Oh my life! Don't blaspheme.
[Stuart:] Emmerdale Farm.
[Mick:] Emmerdale Farm is not bad. Rather like Emmerdale Farm.
[Stuart:] The Bill.
[Mick:] The Bill's good.
[speaker004:] Is there one of the... one of the women in Emmerdale Farm getting raped or something soon? That was ages ago.
[Mick:] That was Cathy.
[speaker004:] Oh was it?
[Mick:] That was ages ago. Yeah. She's married... she married the bloke who raped her as well.
[speaker004:] She did what? No it's a fairly normal sort of thing in everyday life really isn't it?
[Mick:] [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker004:] She married the bloke who raped her?
[Mick:] No, it is... it is up in Yorkshire Barry.
[speaker004:] Happens all the time! Haven't you ever heard about it? It's not unusual old boy, it's only a fucking T V programme Yeah but they No they don't! Oh yes they do. At the end of the day old boy, at the end of the day
[Mick:] The only reason that I'm enjoying Neighbours again at the moment is that I haven't seen it for month and I'm trying to work out... which characters have changed, which characters are getting married to which other ones. Who's just divorced who.
[Chris:] Do you ever watch the very first series? No?
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] Yeah.
[Chris:] I did.
[Mick:] I got right into it the first couple of series.
[Chris:] Oh I did.
[speaker004:] The first time I ever watched it Daphne.
[Chris:] Yeah, when she came a stripper.
[speaker004:] When I... when I, no.
[Chris:] Yeah. First series when she moved in the street.
[Mick:] Yeah, she was a stripper originally wasn't she?
[Chris:] Yeah.
[speaker004:] Did you see?
[Chris:] Yeah I saw
[speaker004:] I remember old plain Jane when her transformation
[Mick:] Yeah.
[speaker004:] I saw it when she had somebody prowling round her house and that. She was outside in the garage The amount of crappy car accidents happening in that fucking Neighbours. It must be the most... emotionally unstable province in the world, that.
[Mick:] Yeah, [LAUGHTER].
[speaker004:] Terri there's always divorces going on. Break ups in marriages, break up in boyfriends and girlfriends. That don't happen in real life. And that's
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker004:] I mean Jason and Kylie getting married at the age of... seventeen or something and then like two months later getting and one of them moving to Tasmania.
[Mick:] Well that was Joe er Henry or something weren't it?
[speaker004:] And every time they get brought back it's a different character... or a different actor playing the character.... What's that little girl's name? Er...
[Mick:] Lucy.
[speaker004:] Yeah, she come back as a bloody... well, thirteen year old was a five year old and she come back
[Mick:] Cor yeah! She came back rather... cor!
[speaker004:] as a thirteen year old. Yeah I was gonna say, she went away as a little kid Yeah. and come back as a bloody teenager with big tits and everything.
[Mick:] With, with threepennies. [LAUGHTER]
[speaker004:] She didn't have threepennies, she had pounds, I tell you. [LAUGHTER]
[Mick:] I remember old Clive when he was first there
[speaker004:] Yeah.
[Mick:] that was fucking brilliant. Oh jeez.
[speaker004:] And Melanie's laugh! Oh!
[Mick:] Clive Gibbons. Actually he made a return a couple of months back didn't he?
[speaker004:] Yeah, he made a return not so long ago. What was his name? Who? Bertha.
[Mick:] Bertha.
[speaker004:] Tell you what though, for someone who doesn't watch it you don't half know a lot about it. I did use to watch it. When I was on nights I used to watch it all the time. Yeah. watch it when you have your dinner. you soon figure out what's going on. I haven't seen it now, any... any at all for about a month... and within two episodes I've picked up everything. Yeah. The most interesting thing about going, coming back to it is trying to work out who's got married to who and... who's divorcing who and what baby belongs to which person. Shit hot... Neighbours. Yeah but what you, it's not like a sort of a good story where you miss something. Because when you come back... when you come back to it you don't feel as if you've missed anything. same as the last episode isn't it? I heard somebody they're behind over there in Australia We are. We're behind two years behind. got a new Madge and new everything over there yeah, got a new Madge. Harold died... Probably Neighbours have been burned down by now. Where's my quid there Richard?
[Mick:] Oh yeah. Where's my fifty p Tin Tin? Oi!
[speaker004:] What?
[Mick:] Eh?
[speaker004:] Well where's my fucking...? You owe me a quid, you cheeky
[Mick:] What about my fifty p?
[speaker004:] Fucking hell, where's my tenner? can of Coke. Fifty p? Fuck off. A can of Coke it was. I give you a quid, you give me fifty p back. I didn't. What, you think you're bollocks have dropped, cunt? Scouts leader, all that sort of stuff.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker004:] Akela in the Cubs. Brown Owl the Brownies....
[Mick:] Never ever joined the Cubs or the Scouts
[speaker004:] Bit of a black sheep really.
[Mick:] I joined the A T C once... for a couple of months.
[speaker004:] I used to go on St John's Ambulance. I was in that for about three years.
[Stuart:] Load of fucking crap.
[speaker004:] Eh? Diabolical have to go through some tests. Yeah, it's daft really. They used to give us loads of tests, this bird
[Mick:] I tell you a good programme which used to be on was erm... oh fucking Auf Wiedersehn Pet. Did you ever watch it? Fucking brilliant. Even the second programme was good weren't it?... Valerie and fucking er... Moxie, you aright Moxie?
[speaker004:] Spain weren't they, the second one?
[Mick:] Eh?
[speaker004:] In Marbella in the second one weren't they?
[Mick:] Yeah. [LAUGHTER] They... they had to... they had to cut the scenes cos that Gary died half way through didn't he?
[speaker004:] Yeah. Fucking hell! Fucking hell! Hundred and one pounds to get a fucking tooth
[Mick:] Fucking hell! Where's he going? He must go to the most expensive dentist on the face of the earth.... What's he doing, having platinum fillings or what?
[speaker004:] six months.
[Mick:] I haven't been for three years.
[speaker004:] No I I need a done he said. I've got to have er a wisdom tooth out. All I normally ever end up doing is having them fucking cleaned
[Mick:] Yeah I've got to have mine cleaned as well.
[Stuart:] Yeah.... teeth out. I just fucking lost them all playing rugby and boxing.
[speaker004:] [LAUGHTER]
[Mick:] Goes through a new set every now and then like.
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Mick:] I tell you what. It's most embarrassing cos my... do does your old may wear y wear his teeth false teeth all the time?
[Stuart:] Yeah. Except for when he goes to bed
[Mick:] Mine
[Stuart:] he takes them out and puts them on the sideboard. It's fucking disgusting.
[Mick:] Yeah. Ugh! And a piece of tissue or something like that. And when he fucking walks out somewhere he [LAUGHTER] he'll always put his teeth in his fucking pocket [].
[speaker004:] Ah no! He'll be sitting down
[Stuart:] He what?
[speaker004:] Joking! Thing is, my old man's had them for so long that... he just, he he puts them in a... in a cup of this like sterile solution every night.... And erm that's it then....
[Mick:] Have you ever seen that done? Somebody put their fucking false teeth in their beer? When they go to the pisser. Ah!
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] Ah.
[Mick:] It's fucking disgusting. Stop deters people
[speaker004:] Why don't they just take their
[Mick:] from nicking their beer though.
[speaker004:] Yeah I bet it does but why [LAUGHTER] why do they need to take the
[Mick:] Fucking seen it. Oh god! I tell you. straight in the beer, wallop on the side. Fucking walked off. Come back and... fucking hell. Ugh!
[speaker004:] What's so bad about it mate? They're only fucking... they're only... plastic and shit innit? Yeah
[Mick:] You don't fucking expect to see them on the side of a bar though do you? I mean fucking anything
[speaker004:] Yeah in a fucking pint of beer.
[Mick:] pickled in beer.
[speaker004:] Wouldn't worry me. Must admit probably cos my old man's had them ever since I've... been alive.
[Mick:] Yeah, the same as my old man, but
[speaker004:] Yeah.... It's like one guy down in Wales when I went down there last time. He's fucking stood there, he's got the sneezes and he's whaaa whaaa whaaa in his fucking beer. He's going... oh that'll deter people from fucking nicking it. Every two minutes. Ugh! Oh yeah well that's that's a bit worse.
[Mick:] Sneezing in his fucking beer. Ugh.
[speaker004:] Who? Some Welsh geezer down in Wales.
[Mick:] Welsh geezer. His name's Lally. Or that's his nicks name.
[speaker004:] They're barbarians anyway down there aren't they?
[Mick:] His nickname's Lally. Cos when he when he goes
[speaker004:] Do fucking lally innit?
[Mick:] Yeah. When he gets in a er a punch up he goes a bit fucking... do lally.
[speaker004:] . Sounds like a right nutter....
[Mick:] Fucking... I tell you you've never seen a pair of hands on this... like them. Fucking... about my height... about my build, but he's got fucking hands which are about three inches bigger than mine all round. It's totally
[speaker004:] Fucking strange.
[Mick:] unbelievable. Fucking... plates.
[speaker004:] Do we need any compound? I haven't....
[Mick:] I've got some mates with weird nicknames. Really fucking weird nicknames.... Chicky... One Hand Too... Digger...
[speaker004:] Digger.
[Mick:] Digger.
[speaker004:] He's Aussie is he?
[Mick:] No.
[speaker004:] Miner?
[Mick:] No.... that's his second name. Digger.... all three of them. There's three, three brothers... one's Big Digger, Little Digger and Dumper. [LAUGHTER]... And then Little Digger got his nickname Chicky.... Cos he fucking... he's a bit punky. You know and he used to have one of these fucking mohicans, he... looked like fucking a fucking chicken.... So he became Chicky.
[Stuart:] Sounds like a right bunch. bunch of weirdos.
[Mick:] No, you'd get on alright with them Stuart.
[Stuart:] Thanks.... I think.... I think about the only nicknames that... my mates have got... [yawn]
[Mick:] Bunch of wankers? [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] No one 's called either Tony or Malcolm the Mountie cos he looks like Tony Slattery.
[Mick:] Oh yeah?
[Stuart:] He really does.
[Mick:] Oh! That's where he first came to fame wasn't it? The mountie
[Stuart:] Malcolm the mountie, yeah.
[Mick:] Yeah
[Stuart:] He looks like the spitting image of him I tell you. He really does. So it, he either gets called Tony or Malcolm Mountie.... We've got this erm... I actually don't know why he's got this nickname... but there's this guy who lives out in er... and he's got the nickname [mimicking] Seamus O'Reilly. You have to do that, it's Seamus O... Seamus, how are you doing Seamus? [] [irish accent]... And... I don't think I could tell you how he got his nickname. Cos I don't think he's got anything to do with Ireland or anything....
[Mick:] There's a couple of mates of mine... Obey. Robert his nick
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Mick:] name was and he's called Obey or Bod.... Everybody called him Bod.
[Stuart:] Yeah. Like the oth
[Mick:] Martin
[Stuart:] There's this other two... and erm... they're brothers and they're both... they're both quite big.... Sort of not fat but quite well built and all that. And they've both got slicked back hair.
[Mick:] Yeah.
[Stuart:] And they look like the fucking The Management.
[Mick:] [LAUGHTER] Oh [].
[Stuart:] So we don't call them what we, we call them Ronnie and Reggie.
[Mick:] Yeah?
[Stuart:] After the Krays.... We started calling them Ronnie but it got a bit confusing. And out of those four... out, well out of the the bunch I know... that's the only four that have got nicknames, that we actually use all the time.
[Mick:] Winkle.... Ravi... used to be.... Winkle was the classic. went to call someone a wanker
[Stuart:] Wanker it come out winker. That's it. Yeah you tell me these things.
[Mick:] Fucking winker....
[Stuart:] I've... I've had quite a few nicknames. Think you should fuck off. Cos I think you should fuck off. Do you like your face the way it is or not?
[speaker004:] Not particularly, but you ain't gonna do nothing about it.
[Mick:] We don't like it the way it is. Can you arrange something?
[speaker004:] facial attribute squeezing a fucking zit. Why don't you fucking squeeze that spot on the top of your shoulders? Ha ha ha. You got overtime? Course not. Don't be silly. We haven't had overtime for the last couple of weeks. Saturday
[Stuart:] You sure you can't get that finger any further up there?... Look at that, right up to the elbow he's got that finger up his nose. Flipping hell.
[speaker004:] Ask me what? Ah, you're as bad as Tim.. Tim ought to be able to do it. listen to yourself.
[Stuart:] Don't worry about it.
[speaker004:] talking to two blokes here. I worry about you I'm not talking to Sue, I'm talking to you. I've not said a word against Well how come you're getting shoved after five years experience? first... first few days you got involved with too many foremen. No. You have, cos you've been lippy. Erm... first few days You don't get on with your work. First two days. First two days he came up here I know you had that... unfortunate incident Yeah. about two or three days after being here. Well somebody in the office. The thing is, you haven't had a brilliant... neither of you two have had a brilliant reputation for a long time, right? Now he's, he's done nothing he's done nothing, put it right for the last year. As probably so have you. But it takes a lot longer than a year to get rid of a bad reputation.
[Stuart:] [singing] Elvis. Is anybody [].
[speaker004:] Eh?
[Stuart:] Don't worry about me I'm singing mate.
[speaker004:] yeah, he knows the score.
[Stuart:] Trying to get the time to go a bit faster. Eh?
[speaker004:] I thought you were moaning.
[Stuart:] No, I was singing. Half four.... Half four. And some of us keep to our contracts.
[speaker004:] Do they?
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[speaker004:] Says who?
[Stuart:] Me.... Fucking company don't does it?
[speaker004:] Well go home at half five then.
[Stuart:] No, I'll go home when I'm ready. Three hours. They're not giving us four hours are they? They ain't keeping to their part of the contract.
[speaker004:] Yeah, you can fucking sue them.
[Stuart:] I know. Cos they keep telling... cos I owe them so many hours... they keep coming up to me and telling me... that I owe them so many hours, you signed the contract saying you've got whatever happens. Now they're not giving us the time to make. They're breaking their part of the contract now. we've gotta thirty nine hour week.
[speaker004:] You've gotta do a thirty nine hour week?
[Stuart:] Well I do three hours overtime.
[speaker004:] Yeah.
[Stuart:] So we do three so we only get paid for thirty nine hours a week instead of forty....
[speaker004:] All I know... even when I first... even when I first got here and I was working
[Stuart:] And if I have two weeks time then we get paid er... thirty six hour.
[speaker004:] Go to erm... the C A B
[Stuart:] No, I only found out this morning didn't I?
[speaker004:] Oh yeah
[Stuart:] She'll probably go to a... Citizen's Advice Bureau.
[speaker004:] Yeah.
[Stuart:] See what's going on, see what she can do about it. One of her mates over the road's... he's gonna try and get a grant... and then pay for the college by that and then tell where to go with his overtime.
[speaker004:] Yeah.
[Stuart:] And that's the best way of dealing with it really isn't it?
[speaker004:] Yeah.
[Stuart:] Still a bit cuntish. Yeah. I don't see why we should have to
[speaker004:] . Ryan, Ryan was doing four hours on the Saturday morning to make up his time, right? You get... you officially get should get paid time and a half on Saturday morning.
[Stuart:] Half, yeah on Saturday yeah.
[speaker004:] So you are doing six hours to make up the four.
[Stuart:] Yeah. Well I never did it on a Saturday. I did it during the week and came in on a Saturday for myself. [singing] [] Oh see what she does. She'll sort something out for me. Yeah. Cos I've already sussed Jim out anyway cos... he said it was on my contract saying I had to do the four hours. Well I've got my contract out and it's totally different to his and any other apprentices.... I've just got another bit of paper a note saying... please note... while you are at college you are asked to do four hours overtime and that's not a contract, it's just a letter. So if I wanted to I could tell them where to go with that and all.
[speaker004:] Yeah. But get it sorted out. Go, get your mum or somebody to... get all your paperwork together and go to the C A B.... Because it sounds as if they're having you one over the barrel.
[Stuart:] Yeah. It was on a programme the other night saying the advice bureau are on the er... companies cos some bloke, they were employing him to do something... and he sued them and got two grand out of them. They fined him for doing something stupid
[speaker004:] I think the ideal thing is she can't... you can't do that. But any... any one of us in here now who were... who were actually training... and have finished our time, no no apprentices were to become part of the union. Even if you're in a non-union company, they will fight for you if they think you've got a case. If you've got a good case, then they'll put their lawyers on to it. But that's only if you are actually part of the union. Er paying subs. So... probably be a good idea, even if you're... not in a union company to to actually join a union. Whether it's rightly deserved or not ain't the point. a bad reputation. So if they made me redundant... or whatever I know all the ins and outs. John 's fucked off in the afternoon to a car auction. Old Bob came over it doesn't matter whether the er reputation's deserved or not You ask Barry. I mean he... he knows you've changed. He knows
[Mick:] What time is it chaps? Please
[speaker004:] It's four o'clock. erm when you lot out there first of all... wasn't there? moved on. I came in, and I was still in here Yeah but you... you weren't, you weren't really put on No he goes... he goes to me... he goes Oh no you weren't were you? It was me and Jamesy and Graham weren't it? He goes er I think... I think a lot of people agree but I think a lot of people would probably say that....
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[speaker004:] No, but I tell you what... that, as soon as you two were separated When, when you went out there with us. You both started knuckling down. Yeah you did. We weren't knuckling down but we started working more because we weren't fucking bossed about. You... you and Yeah that was though. and then you... you got separated and both fucking started working It's a lot harder... it's a lot harder to get rid of a bad reputation. I know that cos I had to work at it when I first come here fucking know it all attitude. Bit like me now. Yeah! Because I done extra metal work... for three years right? And metal work... two years before that. And I thought there ain't nothing these blokes can teach me about files and stuff. Right? And a lot of the time they couldn't teach me anything. I'd been doing it for five years. But obviously I'd got on to something a bit more skilled and I still had this know all attitude. And I I got right... few bollockings. I had fucking verbal warnings and all sorts. And I tell you what, it took me probably another couple of years to get out of that. Verbal, written. I've had none of that since I had a fucking verbal already. Yeah, I got verbals. Cos he get, he said old man Who's that, Mark? Mark, yeah. And . Cos I hadn't done nothing. I said what the... does your old man. I dunno whether he actually tells him he's fucking off... or what, but I think he knows he That's what pissed me off, when you lot got moved down there... fucking ridiculous. and they were added on after. Yeah I know, that's why.... When we first went out there there was no trainees and then all of a sudden we got... no, who did we get? because it was the same time. Cos we got Brian didn't we? Yeah. out there come back in here. Can't remember. I think he's just a fucking arsehole to get sent... get himself out there. Cos that that's what Tim and... especially Richard was fucking well upset about. He only went out there to help some Good luck to the bloke. I haven't seen it.... Still got. way to get on innit?... Basically... you've gotta be a yes man. I'm not a yes man. At the end of the day you'll flatly refuse to do a job if you don't like it. I'll just say I don't like it, I'll go and do it. . Fuck it, I'm ill. Well this is the thing I can't understand, especially Mark and that.... Why you lot can't. It looks better on your record than being made redundant No, you'll still get sacked. You can get sacked for fucking I know, I'm not, that's what I'm saying. Specially Mark and oh really taking the piss.... just fucking for three hours. Well he's gonna struggle to get... get a job anyway. He he's gonna struggle to get a job anyway let alone I asked Derek if he'll give me a reference said yeah. really but Well Derek'll give you the right one won't he? Will it help Barry if if I can use the same to actually ask him if? C V and photo photocopy it or something. Or would it just... will it just be the same as writing down your name and. That's it, if Derek said I could use his name for a reference... Er... [LAUGHTER] I dunno I I mean I have never actually had a written reference from anybody when I've left Yeah I mean you used to do that I mean... Yeah, the old days. I got a written reference from m m m In the old days no no I mean you my headmaster and stuff to get That's right. What do you mean? I went out Monday to get er a replacement for I'll get the yellow pages and I'll... phone up so many companies
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] .
[Mark:] Is that the time, what time is it?
[speaker004:] Quarter past four.
[Mark:] Quarter past fucking four? Oh Jesus....
[Stuart:] [singing]
[Mark:] Pack it up....
[speaker004:] Fucking hell. No That fucking
[Mark:] Better turn this tape off.
[speaker004:] Eh?
[Mark:] Better turn this tape off.
[speaker004:] You fucking... put it back, it's still recording you little cunt. [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] cunt, wonder what that would be if they put it in a dictionary. A little turd with a microphone. [LAUGHTER]
[Mark:] Some pratt... messing about with microphones.
[speaker004:] Bloodshot eyes all the time.
[Stuart:] Where's the speakers then? I want a listen out of it.
[speaker004:] Headphones innit? headphones.
[Stuart:] Oh right....
[speaker004:] You can get little
[Stuart:] It's a fucking Walkman you goon.
[speaker004:] you can get little speakers to put on the side but they use loads of power they do.
[Stuart:] Yeah I know I've got a pair. They're the...
[speaker004:] that poster up there.
[Stuart:] fucking.
[speaker004:] Yeah put it up there. Get a poster up there. What poster?
[Mark:] You're middle middle page
[Stuart:] What poster?
[Mark:] poster.
[Stuart:] Oh your middle page.
[Mark:] won't have that will they?
[Stuart:] Oh yeah nice
[speaker004:] And the second page. She's fucking well nice. Katie She's well No, not there old boy. I can't hang it over a drawing. up there old boy. Up you get. Go on, up you get. Pretty tasty that is actually innit?
[Stuart:] [singing]
[speaker004:] bit on each corner old boy.... I don't really agree with this kind of thing Is it level? Erm No, I don't either. Er... yeah.
[Mark:] No, her right one's hanging down a little bit....
[speaker004:] [LAUGHTER]... yeah was having a field day when he saw that. weren't he?
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker004:] Pull it down a bit.... Pull it down a bit. creased up. Yeah have heart attack Mick. Old ticker's going.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker004:] Pull that... no pull that top down. Oh will you give it a rest!... Are we happy now people? That'll do it.... Hold on, her left one's lower than her right one. I think we ought to put a bit of sellotape over that one.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] Yeah.
[speaker004:] Cut it out. No
[Mark:] Over which one?
[speaker004:] We got a bit of remember. Yeah we got we got. What's that? [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] When you're big enough boy.
[speaker004:] It's not quite the same is it really? I like that. You like that one do you Cherub? What's that? I said a topless male and a topless woman calendar, it's not quite the same is it? And then he said... you've got the old fucking tits and all haven't you.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[Mark:] I like that one. I like
[speaker004:] Thirty six double D.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker004:] Hark who's fucking talking.... himself.
[Mark:] I took a polaroid of fucking Karen last night in her underwear. I'm gonna try... and get it. She won't let me get it.
[speaker004:] You're joking! Bring it fucking in.
[Mark:] That's what... I'm gonna try. I've gotta... well it wasn't kinky underwear but it's underwear. Got a... picture of Karen in her underwear last night with a polaroid. She's just bought a polaroid camera. And er
[speaker004:] Thing is she's wearing his y-fronts. [LAUGHTER] I I I I I I I wanna check, I wanna check her out.
[Mark:] Yeah.
[speaker004:] Get a picture and then
[Mark:] I will. I'm gonna try and get hold of this one. But it it it's tasteful... but it's not... not too bad.... She's in her underwear not too revealing.
[speaker004:] looking at.
[Mark:] She's got fucking thigh high boots on as well.
[speaker004:] Eh?... Has she?... Fucking definitely bring it in.... We'll all have a wank. [shouting] Oi []. Put it up on the wall and have a fucking... jerk off.
[Mark:] She's got her fucking thigh high boots on.
[speaker004:] Definitely bring it in.
[Mark:] She won't let me have it like. I tried to get it last night. Cos I fucking took it and I said you haven't taken one have you? And I said well yeah look... thing buzz coming out the end. So and she said let me look at it and she... what she's doing fucking... she's fucking... got her leg on a stool like that, not a very high one like sort of like that right?... So I thought yeah I'll have that. She said, she looked at it and she says you're not having that. I said I am. I was just about. No, you're not having that. I said no come on, no messing about. I ended up chasing her around the house fucking photo. And the thing is, by the time I... by the time I chased her I was so I don't know, don't even know where the photo is now.
[speaker004:] Chasing round going like that.
[Mark:] It wasn't like that, it was just fucking
[speaker004:] It was like that.
[Mark:] Yeah.
[speaker004:] [LAUGHTER]
[Mark:] Yeah. Did you see that
[speaker004:] I put it to you people...
[Mark:] You don't need to stand that close to it.
[speaker004:] Sorry.... [LAUGHTER]
[Mark:] Cos it... it fucks it all up.
[speaker004:] Does it?
[Mark:] It goes really quiet afterwards. I mean I was listening to one of the tapes last night.
[speaker004:] What's this?
[Mark:] I was listening to one of the tapes last night.... And he he'd got up to it and he gone... good morning Trev about two inches away from it. And it fucked it up for about... a second or three seconds afterwards. It really goes really quiet and then comes back up to full volume.
[speaker004:] It's probably got one of those self adjusting thingies has it?
[Mark:] Yeah....
[speaker004:] Oh well I'm sorry Tramp
[Mark:] There's no need to shout either.
[speaker004:] [LAUGHTER]
[Mark:] I tell you, it picks up everything. I tell you what, this even picks up the girl over the tannoy.
[speaker004:] Really?
[Mark:] Yeah.... You can actually hear what she's saying.
[speaker004:] So it must have one of those self-adjusting microphones. Self-levelling...
[Mark:] Oh my life!...
[speaker004:] Yeah.... deck shoes.
[Mark:] Plimsolls!
[speaker004:] Deck shoes.
[Mark:] Plimsolls.
[speaker004:] Deck shoes.
[Mark:] They're sort of plimsolls aren't they? Fucking hell
[speaker004:] No. Deck shoes.... Everyone wears deck shoes but no-one wears plimsolls.... It's a fierce old colour that old boy.
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker004:] Very old. I've had them about two years and never really worn them.
[Stuart:] My old mum can remember when the old french onion sellers used to come round, door to door.
[Mick:] I think. Bit all... all mix all me greened up....
[Stuart:] God knows what this survey's gonna make of this all me greened up and... right shitted up or something. innit?... Is that just him or is that what most people say around here?
[Mark:] What?
[Stuart:] Right... messed up or all messed up....
[Mark:] Right seems to be er... the in word at the moment.... [belch] Pardon me.... Are you recording?
[Stuart:] Yes.
[Mark:] The little light flickered.... Cor I tell you, I could eat another one of those scotch eggs....
[speaker004:] of shit from you. Certainly got that look about her. What's her name? Nicky
[Stuart:] Another quick jostle of an evening....
[Mark:] From what I've heard it is quick as well.
[Stuart:] Eh?...
[Mark:] From what I've heard it is quick.
[Stuart:] All evening....
[speaker004:] you've got no fucking onion crap.
[Stuart:] None of these ten minute jobs.... Four hours of hard strain.
[speaker004:] Oh you're coming down here Derek? I thought we was gonna get rid of you.
[Nigel:] No I might as well do it on that bench there.
[speaker004:] Oh my life. This is my bench....
[Stuart:] Picnic time at Rumbolds...
[speaker004:] [singing] Hey hey we're a-munching []. Oh look he's bringing. He ain't bringing any tools.
[Stuart:] [LAUGHTER]
[Chris:] bring your tools as well look. Fucking off out at two o'clock anyway.
[speaker004:] lunchtime.
[Stuart:] Have you found anywhere yet?...
[Chris:] So if you take into consideration.
[Stuart:] But aren't all their jobs linked and stuff?
[Chris:] No. the odd one or two
[Stuart:] Been to er Bracknell or Reading?
[Chris:] No I wouldn't wanna work in Reading....
[speaker004:] Dodgy old area, Reading.
[Chris:] getting there. Fucking traffic.
[speaker004:] You'd best go and get help.
[Chris:] Best go and get help?
[speaker004:] I'll lend you a hammer if you want.
[Chris:] You'll need fucking help. Be fucking.
[speaker004:] borrow a hammer You like canvassing don't you?...
[Stuart:] Battle of the lightweights....
[Mark:] He'll
[Chris:] Better than being battle of the fucking ten ton Tessies....
[Mark:] He'll end up in the same place as the last bloke and he's still there.
[Stuart:] Listen to it. [LAUGHTER]...
[speaker004:] Did you hear that?
[Mark:] What?
[speaker004:] fuck off.
[Mark:] Don't you talk to my mate like that. I only like.
[speaker004:] Fucking here innit? Yeah. They give it all the... innit Terry? They give all the fucking verbal and they'll ride off and they'll all fucking [LAUGHTER] Oh my god. Oh my life! Fucking []. They fucking give it all the verbal and Oi Tramp! What's the fucking crap? Don't fuck about, he'll fucking deck you. What sort is it you've got Alex, an Electrolux or... a Vax?... No a Vax has got four wheels innit
[Stuart:] Shall I make the little thingumajig up for you?
[Mark:] No....
[Stuart:] Gonna make it up? Make it up then. Wanna see what it is....
[Mark:] Fuck off....
[Stuart:] Eh?...
[Mark:] ... Cost me eighty five P, that.
[Stuart:] You've been ripped off then Rich.
[Mark:] I love the chocolate you fuck.
[speaker004:] gonna get one someone else.
[Mark:] Fuck off.
[Stuart:] Fella's... Trampor is fucking... won't let me make his toy up. He wants to get home and play with it.
[Mark:] Course I do.... That's half the fun of having Kinder eggs. [belch] Sod it, I'm gonna finish the lot.... I love the chocolate. It's beautiful. Really is nice.... Shit!
[speaker004:] [singing] Hey ho []. Oh no! Not sure whether this was a good move giving him the job. I thought he was taking it down there, I didn't realize he was fucking out here with us. He's clocking off at ten o'clock anyhow.... Ten o'clock?
[Mark:] Applied down the Job Centre....
[speaker004:] Never get rid of him now.... [LAUGHTER] this day []. He's even pinching the old boy's.... . Can't help it. Yeah? Yeah.. Paper? What one do you want? They played at home look.
[Stuart:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker004:] fuck. Got a match as well? Can I borrow yours Mark?
[Stuart:] Bit rude innit for you Mark, this one?
[Mark:] No.
[Stuart:] No?
[speaker004:] What, the match? [LAUGHTER] No... his [] Oh.
[Stuart:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker004:] Ooh that's nice that is.
[Mark:] That's right. I put it on Farmer Giles....
[speaker004:] [LAUGHTER] That's a sad case [].
[Mark:] What?. When he starts bringing his bench and stuff down here Barry and I'm gonna....
[speaker004:] Filled up. Day are you going? Brilliant Yeah twentieth.... Off the ro up the road... up the swanney. Why, have you managed to... get another week out? I had another week anyhow That's erm... that's your fourth one Tramp innit?
[Mark:] Yeah.
[speaker004:] How long's that? You've had four of them?
[Mark:] Mm.
[speaker004:] No I've been here more than five years so they'll have to give me... five week's notice. Saying that I've got me notice on a Monday You serious? You've just had four of them? so it should have gone though to the. Oh, so I've got to put up with you a week longer than everyone else? Yeah, yeah. That's the worst bit of news I've ever.... You'll miss the Christmas drink up. Eh? You'll miss the Christmas drink up. Who will?... I won't.... Yeah... they are going. [shouting] Hey... come and take it away will you []....
[Mark:] Not bad. Not bad....
[Mick:] [yawning] Oh god []. You're in for a treat today Barry.
[Graham:] Sorry?
[Mick:] You're in for a treat....
[Stuart:] [belch] [shouting] Ooh [].
[speaker004:] What the? but what's fucking going on here cunt?
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[Mark:] Excuse me. What do you think you're doing here?
[speaker004:] [LAUGHTER] Oi Tramp. What's going on here cunt []?
[Mark:] Fucking lovely modulation....
[speaker004:] Er... got a pencil old boy?... Me and old aren't into fucking... pencils are we? Reckon the old wooden ones.
[Stuart:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker004:] See when you're a fucking tradesman you've gotta have the gear ain't you? Yeah, that's right.... Precision pencil. None of this There's some erm... stuff that you lot do.... No I do like the old er... pencil in the
[Stuart:] [belch]
[speaker004:] Yeah. Ha....
[Stuart:] Fucking hell. [whistling]
[Mick:] Think of it. That's the last B and E we'll be doing. These ones, won't they?...
[Stuart:] Let's rock and roll....
[speaker004:] Barry...
[Nigel:] Oh dear....
[Stuart:] Oh that looks rather sensual Mick dunnit? Ah!
[Mick:] Yeah.
[speaker004:] When you do it like me you'll learn this one day.
[Stuart:] Do what?... Eh?
[speaker004:] when you're good as me. You'll get there one day.
[Stuart:] [LAUGHTER]...
[speaker004:] I had him last night. Eh? I had him last night. Oh yeah?... When's
[Stuart:] Who?
[speaker004:] Oh they had to fucking swap them so
[Stuart:] [LAUGHTER] Did you?
[Mick:] Started off at twelve eight... nineteen eleven. They was eight three last night....
[speaker004:] Got him on the run....
[Stuart:] Be a bit of a bastard if he pulls back....
[Mick:] My girlfriend's cousin's in there this week Mark.
[Mark:] Eh?
[Mick:] My girlfriend's cousin's in there this week....
[Mark:] ?
[speaker004:] Yeah, it's something to do with Argyle.
[Mark:] Plays for who?
[speaker004:] Plymouth.
[Mark:] Does he?
[speaker004:] Yeah.
[Mark:] What's his name?
[speaker004:] Mark.
[Mark:] Mark who?
[speaker004:] .
[Mark:] ?
[speaker004:] Yeah.
[Mark:] ... That's a moniker and a half innit?...
[speaker004:] [whistling]... [singing]... Plymouth. You what? Got a job yet Alan? No, not yet.? No. You been looking? Yeah. Eh? Yeah. Don't sound too convincing. No, it doesn't does it? I don't think he has. Now and again. You telling porky pies? No. Have you been looking or not? Don't think he has has he? Now and again. He's been laying in bed on his days off hasn't he? Even the fucking... day of the cup he is, look. Who gives a Oi oi. Steady on. Fucking Derek's up there Eh? Derek's up there. Where? There, there. He is Yeah I would... di would you Rose Well I haven't.... Er Get here a second. Oh... hold on a minute. Hold on.
[Stuart:] Hold on.. He's just got a little job to do.
[speaker004:] Little job.
[Stuart:] A little
[Mick:] Hurry up.... Oh my life, what's he up to?....
[speaker004:] Here Tramp... Hold that while I give it some wellie.... Oh you dozy fuck! There's always one isn't there? Steady on, there's a lady present. Where? Ah ah ah ah [mimicking] Mr Grimstone [] Ah. You alright? Yeah. Fucking sound. Fucking fooled me. Fucking sound.... You fucked my mean green up... Tramp.
[Mark:] Bollocks...
[speaker004:] You fucked my fucking mean green up. I'm non too happy. It's not fair, it's not goo good enough for me and. I've got it all over me. It's gotta be fucking spot on ain't it. Yeah. do you reckon? I'll sort it out Tramp. Don't worry. Look he puts his hand right in my mean green.... though innit?... semi skilled ain't got a fucking clue. Ain't got the brains they were born with. They fucking ain't. It's not good now. I've gotta redo the fucking thing. Ha ha....
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] ...
[speaker004:] I dunno, he knows it's fucking. That's what we're up against though Cherub. Can't get the staff boys can we? Well... it's fucking
[Stuart:] [singing]
[speaker004:] cup of tea. Eh? Time for a brew? Yeah.
[Stuart:] [singing] There is... a house... in New Orleans... they call the rising sun. Been the downfall of many young men. I know because I'm one. []. [whistling] Did you see that last night?
[speaker004:] No I missed it.
[Mark:] I'm a skilled fucking man. That's why you're needing me cos you er two ain't got the fucking skill between you.
[Chris:] You cheeky cunt. I'd piss all over you tramp.... Wh co when it comes down to craftsmanship...
[Mark:] You ain't got a fucking hope have you?
[Chris:] I'd piss all over you.
[Karl:] than me if it's er fucking craftsmanship you're on about....
[Chris:] He reckons I ain't got the [LAUGHTER]... couldn't handle that one over there he reckons.
[Karl:] Eh?
[Chris:] Couldn't handle that one.... Fucking hell!
[Karl:] Because er
[Mark:] Well why don't you ever do it?
[Chris:] I don't want to. It's too much hassle.
[Mark:] Exactly. Cos you haven't got the fucking skill.
[Chris:] No no no no, no no no, no no no. That's when I don't wanna do it, just too much hassle. That means I want the easy life. I'm not saying I can't do it. It's that I don't want it.
[Mark:] Well do it next time.
[Chris:] No, I want the easy life tramp.
[Karl:] Looks bad on him, doesn't it tramp if he won't do it?
[Chris:] I want the easy life. Bollocks to it.
[Karl:] Old tramp takes about five days to do one of them.
[Chris:] Yeah fucking right.
[Mark:] Huh!...
[Karl:] Still to do this fucking programme er progress chasing bit eh tramp?
[Chris:] Yeah, fucking been coming up... fucking up other people's mean greens
[Karl:] Yeah....
[Mark:] That's one of the skills.
[Chris:] What?
[Mark:] You know? Being able to put your hand to any fucking thing like I am. I mean that's fucking
[Chris:] Tramp I said I didn't, just, I didn't say I couldn't but I don't want to. There's a big fucking difference in the Yeah.
[Karl:] in the English dictionary.
[Mark:] Nobody wants to.
[Chris:] . Well there you go.... I want the easy life. And I'm getting the fucking easy life.... At the end of the day I've got my head screwed on....
[speaker004:] Just about par for the course cherub old boy.
[Chris:] Yeah I know.
[Stuart:] We're not fucking arguing about this again are we?
[Mark:] Yeah.
[speaker004:] About what old boy?
[Chris:] About not wanting to do things Yeah yeah we are, yeah.
[Stuart:] Are we on that again?
[Chris:] Yeah we're
[Karl:] one.
[Stuart:] Eh?
[Karl:] the one. It's fucking horrible round here innit?
[Chris:] Every time tramp picks it up we get on that one.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[Chris:] He comes out with... I'm mister wonderful bollocks. [LAUGHTER]
[Mark:] Well, you're always sprouting to us about how fucking good you are.
[Chris:] Yeah but it's not bollocks though is it?
[Mark:] Ha!
[Chris:] That's the fucking difference.
[Mark:] Ha ha!
[Chris:] Is that right?
[speaker004:] Yeah. It's about right. Shut the door.
[Mark:] What the fuck would you know? You fucking reject.
[Karl:] Yeah I know. Fucking... hard life though innit?
[Chris:] Yeah....
[Karl:] used to get a little bit jealous at the end of the day.
[Chris:] Well that's it, yeah. we're young
[Mark:] Jealous?
[Chris:] we're young, we've got it up here and
[Karl:] Yeah.
[Chris:] they don't like it.
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER] Jealous? []
[Karl:] We're young we.
[Mark:] Of you?... Fuck off!
[Chris:] Still learning and we're still better than them you know what I mean? Fucking hell. What's the world coming to?
[Mark:] Jealous! Ha!
[Stuart:] Silly thing is that they actually believe it don't they?
[Mark:] Yeah I know.... This is sad. This really is. The thing is you two fucking believe every word you say don't you?
[Chris:] It's true, that's why.
[Stuart:] They fucking do!
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]
[Chris:] They always say the truth hurts cherub.
[Karl:] Yeah.
[Chris:] It's fucking killing tramp though innit?
[Karl:] [LAUGHTER] It fucking is innit []?...
[Mark:] If the truth hurt... fucking wouldn't be here
[Chris:] Tramp.. What are you gonna do look. We are fucking shit hot.
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER] You got the shit bit right.
[Karl:] And the hot bit right as well.
[Chris:] Yeah.
[Mark:] No.
[Chris:] Shit hot.
[Karl:] [LAUGHTER] We got the shit bit better... it it was put, talking about you.
[Chris:] Yeah.
[Karl:] If you're talking about me and
[Mark:] Huh!
[Chris:] It's a double, double-barrelled name when you talk about me and cherub. Shit-hot.
[Karl:] [LAUGHTER]
[Chris:] And it's got a hyphen in the middle as well.... Where are the potting tabs then chaps?
[Karl:] Toolbox.
[Stuart:] Yeah that's why you're getting, losing your job.
[Chris:] Where's th where's the potting tabs tramp?...
[Mark:] In there. Fucking had to be in there didn't they?
[Chris:] Oh fucking hell! Here hang on... where's Roy? [LAUGHTER]. Stu, where's Roy? It's like the fucking stores here innit eh?
[Stuart:] [LAUGHTER] Oh right [].
[Chris:] It's all we need and we've got a fucking sto oh here we go.
[Mark:] That's nothing. You never saw Richard's....
[Chris:] I can imagine it. He had no fucking tools in there, it might have been all... might as well have been fucking... everything else. Look at it... fucking... oh....
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [singing] Let's twist again, like we did last summer. Ooh let's twist again, like we did last year. Do you remember when... I was humming
[speaker004:] couple of hours get me going. ... let's twist again like we did last year. Up and back and round and round we go again. []
[Mark:] Wouldn't mind a bit of that..
[Stuart:] Where's Barry gone? The old boy.
[speaker004:] Eh?
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] live in?
[speaker004:] I had to my wife.
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]
[Karl:] I know I came in here once with my mum's keys. The spare and the ordinary key. I had the whole lot. [LAUGHTER] She couldn't go anywhere [].... No what it was, she locked her keys in the car...
[speaker004:] Yeah?
[Karl:] something like that.
[speaker004:] Yeah.
[Karl:] oh go and get the spare keys and get the keys out. So I've gone out there with the spare keys, got the keys out... tossed them in me pocket, gone back indoors...
[speaker004:] Forgot
[Karl:] Oh I had to get something out the car as well you know? fucking car keys... fucking spare keys. When she phoned... oh sorry mum, I didn't realize I had them.
[speaker004:] Yeah.... Hope you're not planning to keep that pornographic photograph on that wall. Eh?...
[Chris:] Well... reckon I'd give it one if she asked nicely.
[Mark:] Marks out of two... he'd give it one.
[Chris:] She'd have to ask fucking nicely. She'd have to ask fucking nicely....
[Mark:] Just popping down to see.
[Chris:] You never know it might be half one lunch. You've got to be back in here at half two....
[Stuart:] [yawn]
[Mick:] You didn't even get a chance to get in here and.
[Chris:] Yeah he sort of almost ripped him out of there.
[Karl:] No, he took out he goes here you are tramp..
[Chris:] Five minutes for a job like that. Christ, it's an afternoon job that is.
[speaker004:] Never!
[Mick:] Even young knocked a set of them out about an hour.
[speaker004:] slow him down.
[Chris:] Did you hear that thing about the old geezer who chopped his old man off?
[Karl:] Oh I saw the headline.
[Mick:] What was that then?
[Chris:] Chopped his old man off. Gauged his eye out cut his tongue up... out and then chopped his old man off.
[speaker004:] Er... where's your hammer cherub?
[Chris:] Then the old girl turned up and him to stop him mutilating him... bit more.
[Stuart:] [singing] You're just a devil woman...... you're just a devil woman []
[speaker004:] How far back's your then Barry? About half inch? No, take them down a bit
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [whistling] [singing] []...
[Chris:] [singing] One skinhead two skinhead three skinhead four kick the fucking while he's on the floor. Kick him in the bollocks kick him in the head. Kick the fucking till he's fucking dead. Chelsea [].
[Mark:] Chelsea hooligan like I always said. what a lovely song.
[speaker004:] Isn't it a lovely song?
[Karl:] He got chucked out for singing that. Chelsea.... Well he took the old and he offered him out.
[speaker004:] Who?
[Karl:] Matey. Goes one on one I'll fucking take him out he goes.... Right, I was cracking up, he was right behind me. I was in hysterics.... [singing] Wherever we may be... we'll follow cos we are the Chelsea and we are supreme. We'll never be mastered by no northern bastards []. He was out he was.
[speaker004:] [LAUGHTER]
[Karl:] I as the old bill grabs him like.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[Karl:] He was, he was going... he was up there cracked up.
[speaker004:] I'm gonna have to pop up there one week with you. He's such a fucking pratt.
[Karl:] He was fucking well gone
[speaker004:] They are so subtle these Chelsea songs.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[Karl:] Yeah. They actually don't mess about do they?... [LAUGHTER] Yeah some cunt wants my coat []. I collapsed though. He come out with some more classics but I can't remember myself....
[speaker004:] goes up there?
[Karl:] Last time there was... what me, geezer, was there, you know.
[speaker004:] My mate used to.
[Karl:] I'd go up on me own.... When you're in there other people. [shouting] You [].
[speaker004:] Very good too.
[Karl:] There was another couple of Chelsea fans I was singing about them all the fucking day weren't I?
[speaker004:] sing along with the best of them. [singing] We'll keep the blue flag flying... high right up in the sky we'll keep the blue flat flying high. From Stamford Bridge to Wembley [].
[Karl:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker004:] And the old just applauded when he finishes. [LAUGHTER] he starts it up again goes oi shut the fuck up. Are you up... are you up there Saturday? No, away to Sheffield Wednesday. When is their next? Sunday er... Man United. Yeah? You going? No. No I'm coming on Saturday.... Come to Chelsea Tottenham it's a good week. Yeah? Tottenham support. Tottenham supporters, two Chelsea and a fucking Gooner.
[Karl:] In the shed. [LAUGHTER]
[speaker004:] There's a lot of you go up there.
[Karl:] You ought to come up there. up there with old cherub. Check it out. Coming up then?
[speaker004:] Yeah I wouldn't mind. You gotta handle the tubes though
[Karl:] I tell you what get going to the Wolverhampton versus Notts County with Jonesy. Oh my life!
[speaker004:] He can't handle the tube. I can't handle the tube. Have you his excuse for not going to Arsenal cos he can't handle the tubes. No. Fucking, fucking hate them. After the game after the game's the worst bit.
[Mark:] You claustrophobic then Rosie?
[speaker004:] Arsenal tube station. Yeah?
[Mark:] Do you get claustrophobic then Rosie?
[speaker004:] It's not so much claustrophobic it's just when when you're in... in the fucking station waiting for the old train you're on the front of the fucking platform. Got every cunt behind you pushing. Yeah. Nearly hit the fucking ditch like.. Fucking hate that.... I'll pop up, not till I'm handcuffed to you. I'll get fucking lost. [shouting] Cherub, cherub I'm lost []. Up fucking it's a laugh. Fucking brilliant. It's a good old sing-song.... [LAUGHTER] What was that []?
[Chris:] There was some matey in the crowd, I forget who it was Wolv Wolverhampton... fucking end we were.... And they're all sort of brummie type people you know? They all speak with a brummie type accent. Fucking... for them. And he goes [mimicking] fucking run will you. [4717 1] Get out of your fucking wheelchair you and fucking run [] And there's this de... the rest of the fucking crowd are dead silent and this, there's just this bloke's voice. [4717 2] Everybody fucking cracked up.
[speaker004:] Sounds about par for the course.
[Chris:] Fucking brilliant.
[speaker004:] Dead fucking silent.
[Chris:] But I'll tell you what, they outsung Notts County.
[speaker004:] Ain't fucking hard though is it? I say chaps... Eh? No. No. Can't remember. They're tens aren't they tramp?
[Mark:] What's that?
[speaker004:] Yeah... tens. Wonder if he lea leaves a slime trail behind him?
[Mark:] You what Skip?
[speaker004:] Wondering if leaves a slime trail behind him....
[Mark:] No you don't have to but they want as many done as possible.... Fair enough I suppose....
[speaker004:] Anybody take the gun? Anyone got the gun?
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] No.
[speaker004:] We don't use the horrible thing.
[Mark:] Last one.
[Chris:] Bollocks.
[Mick:] Yeah.
[Mark:] Go down and ask him.
[Chris:] mine then.
[Mark:] No it fucking ain't, mister.
[Chris:] Bet it fucking is....
[Mick:] You got about five of them went round giving them to other people just so you could say that to Chris didn't you?
[Mark:] Yeah, that's it.
[Mick:] I've certainly had enough of the year.
[Chris:] Yeah, I have.
[Mick:] But I could have said that about Mark's one.
[speaker004:] ... How many do you fucking want tramp?...
[Mark:] Might as well stock up.... I'm going for the full set. I've got six, I've got number five, got number four, got number two. Want three and a one now and I'm away....
[speaker004:] Ugh.... [singing] The long and the short and the tall da da da da da da da da da da da da da... When Mark was just a little girl, he asked his mummy... [whistling] Bless your beautiful hide wherever you may be []. I tell you what, I'll leave one of these here... if anyone's interested... [whistling]...
[Mark:] Me thinks not....
[Mick:] Oh it's a fucking... race.... That'd be a laugh actually.
[Chris:] What?
[Mick:] Treasure hunt.... You drive, you do the walking and you give me and... Chris the prize when you've won.... I ain't got time to go gallivanting off stuff like that.
[Chris:] Yeah.
[Mark:] Fifteenth. When's that? Oh Sunday innit?
[Graham:] Fifteenth for er... Chelsea United.
[Mark:] Chelsea Man U?...
[Mick:] They're on the telly innit?
[Graham:] Yeah.
[Mark:] Oh, cherub on the box.
[Graham:] You won't see me boy....
[Mark:] Be inconspicuous will you?
[Graham:] I'll be up in the shed....
[speaker004:] Wanna get out and chat to your old fellow Chelsea supporter?
[Graham:] Who's that?
[speaker004:] Old 's out there.
[Graham:] No, he's a plonker....
[speaker004:] I beg your pardon?
[Graham:] He's a plonker.
[Mark:] He must be. He supports Chelsea for a start.
[speaker004:] He's a good fitter.
[Graham:] Is he?
[speaker004:] Yeah.... though.
[Graham:] So why'd they make him up to a supervisor then?...
[speaker004:] Erm...
[Graham:] Don't normally get
[speaker004:] I'll never get made up to supervisor. Because erm... Derek was looking for a supervisor and he said to me one day in a moment of desperation he said who can I make up? I said well I'll tell you who you wanna make up I said er yeah I know... I said you wanna make somebody like up I said cos er... I think wrote the book. He says I know we all over his face. Sure enough.
[Mark:] Had a punch up?
[speaker004:] I mean now they're as thick as thieves you know? I mean now they wanna, both on the other side of the fence, they're the biggest crawlers going. And they were two of the biggest villains, they're in the fucking
[Mark:] Yeah, that's true. Mick, Mick when I was, when I was working down there in er the machine shop, him and erm Ian... you know the bloke who... one of the engineers? They sat in there and they drank a whole bottle of scotch between them... one Christmas.
[speaker004:] Micky now you know, he'd tell you he's whiter than white. I mean when he er you know when that thing was going on about the old?
[Mark:] Yeah.
[speaker004:] lark.... I was talking to him about that and I got a totally different response from him that I expected didn't mind. Oh no he was hundred percent on side. Oh it shouldn't be allowed and director can't walk through the company. You know Tosser. respected because he is a director And I said, leave it out Micky. Talk about cheetah changing leopard changing its spots. I mean he... he really was
[Mark:] He was total anti-establishment weren't he?
[Stuart:] What's that then old boy?
[Barry:] Clove oil.
[Chris:] What's it for?
[Barry:] Toothache.
[Chris:] To relieve toothache?
[Mark:] Have you got?
[Stuart:] No I haven't fucking lost the cup.
[Chris:] What's that?
[Barry:] Smelling salts.
[speaker004:] straight away.
[Chris:] No it's alright, thanks.
[speaker004:] That's pretty innit? No oh... don't do that. Stick them on your arse. will you? No it'd come in come in handy for a curry though wouldn't it? Fucking hell yeah. I tell you what, dip it in the bloody toilet paper, then stick it in the micro.... Ooh. looking curry as well wouldn't it? [LAUGHTER]
[Barry:] of erm... just just try it. Just try it, see what you think it tastes like.
[speaker004:] It's the stuff you put in apple pies innit?
[Barry:] Just taste a touch.
[speaker004:] No... I can't stand the smell of it. It reminds me too much of fucking. Thanks very much. That's a fucking brand new scalpel you bastard. It was.
[Barry:] Don't like the dentist at the best of times.
[Mark:] Hundred and one fucking quid?
[Barry:] Mm.
[Mark:] You having it... put in there, platinum or fucking what?
[speaker004:] You're a dodgy geezer you are.
[Mark:] Stuart, does that smell bother you?
[speaker004:] Just like a, like a load of fucking drugs pusher isn't he?... Have some of this, have some of that. Somebody aqua fixing? You know how to use it? Yeah. Oh righto
[Stuart:] To tell you the truth that bothers me more than them.... Yeah. But then again I've got fucking smoking chimney pot over there. Mark smoke half a fag and leave it on your bench to pollute the air....
[Mark:] Fuck off.
[Stuart:] All I'm waiting for right, is for somebody to set a precedent for... for erm doing people for manslaughter because of secondary lung cancer then you're fucking history sonny.
[Mark:] Bollocks.
[Stuart:] Gonna have you up there for ass attempted assault.... No I'll sue your ass boy.... [whistling]...
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [whistling] [singing]
[Mark:] Oh don't do that....
[speaker004:] Cor, look at the tits on her.
[Mark:] Mm.... Cash and something, something.... Amazing.
[speaker004:] Yeah, totally. But not after D and E fucking.
[Mark:] gonna do no work is he?
[speaker004:] That's true, yeah. So what's new? [LAUGHTER]. Have you got your job?. Yeah. Handsome. Start on the sixteenth.... Well hard.... Blows your excuse for going down the job centre.... Or haven't you told them yet. Say what? Haven't you told them yet? I haven't told them when I start. I've got, I've got stuff to sort out anyway I... they don't know I haven't. Got to sort out solicitors and
[Stuart:] Do they give you any training or anything?
[speaker004:] Yeah.
[Stuart:] Yeah. Do we get discount if we shop with you?... Or do you just refrain from sending the boys round?...
[Mark:] Fucking hell. You could send the boys round as well couldn't you?... rugby squad....
[Stuart:] How much are a pair of sort of alright rugby boots now?
[speaker004:] What?
[Stuart:] How much are a pair of alright rugby boots?
[speaker004:] twenty to thirty pounds.
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[speaker004:] But you can spend... sixty to eighty quid.
[Stuart:] Mm.
[speaker004:] Depends what sort you want dunnit?...
[Mark:] One of those great British folk songs. [LAUGHTER] [whistling] [singing] []
[speaker004:] [singing] oh my darling Clementine []. [whistling] [singing] Oh look and you'll find tra la la la la la. La la la la la la... la la la la la la la [] [whistling]... Fucking hells bells. S O N at the end. Cor... coming from you that's rich. Who's is it? Er
[Mark:] Classical half hour now.... [whistling]
[Stuart:] [singing] Oh give me a London girl every time [].
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [whistling]
[Mark:] [singing] I followed on with my old cock linnet. I dillied I dallied I dallied I dillied lost me way I don't know where to roam. Oh you can't trust a special like an old time copper when you can't find your way home. []
[Stuart:] [whistling] Sing faster.
[Mark:] Eh?
[Stuart:] [LAUGHTER] Sing faster [].... [singing] My old man said follow the van and don't dilly dally mm mm mm. Off went a van with me home packed in it []
[Mark:] Eastenders half hour.
[Stuart:] [singing] I followed behind with me old cock linnet. I dillied and dallied dallied and dillied lost me way and wouldn't know where to roam.... Can't trust a copper like an old time special when you can't find your way []
[speaker004:] [singing] My old man's a dustman he wears a dustman's hat he wars cor blimey trousers and he lives in a council flat []. [whistling]
[Stuart:] This is definitely cockney half hour innit?... It's not even a Friday afternoon, we're all getting musical.... Hopefully that tape will have run out by now.
[Mark:] Eh?
[Stuart:] I said hopefully that tape will have run out by now.
[Mark:] [singing] Let's all go down The Strand have a banana [].
[Stuart:] [singing] I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts... I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts []
[Mark:] They can do with some appalling singing.
[Graham:] Ha!... Yeah I know but that... there is appalling and... there's really appalling.
[Mark:] There's appalling and then there's Cherub. [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] Cherub, yeah.... Probably listen to it go ah!...
[Graham:] [LAUGHTER] What
[Stuart:] We're gonna turn it up full blast you bastards.
[Graham:] What sort of what sort of working conditions must those poor souls work in... to get agony like that?
[Stuart:] [LAUGHTER] The poor tormented souls. What is this? Some sort of a...
[Graham:] Torture chamber.
[Stuart:] torture. [LAUGHTER]
[Mark:] Ah!
[Stuart:] Be even worse if they played his singing over the tannoy though wouldn't it? I mean that's... gotta be the ultimate. Work or we'll give you more Cherub singing. Ah!...
[Graham:] I think you're being a bit out of order there old boy.
[Stuart:] It's true though innit?
[Graham:] Yeah. Could be.... Yeah you're right.
[Stuart:] [LAUGHTER]... [whistling]
[Mark:] Oh we're starting on the show tunes now are we?...
[Graham:] [singing] Sleep silent lady... go to sleep. Ba ba ba ba ba []
[Mark:] What?
[Graham:] [singing] sometimes all that I need is the air that I breathe just to love you [].
[Mark:] That's not a show tune.
[Graham:] I know, I didn't say it was. You said it was....
[Mark:] Well you were singing Memories.
[Graham:] [singing] Memories... all alone in the moonlight... has the moon lost her memory la la la la la la... in the lamplight... I seemed to know what happiness was la la la la []. Something like that anyway. I can't.... [singing] Don't cry for me Argentina... the truth is I never left you. All through my wild days my mad existence I kept my promise don't keep your distance bom bom bom. And as for fortune and as for pain []
[Stuart:] I tell you what what was that last tape, number eleven?
[Graham:] Yeah.
[Stuart:] They're not gonna get past number eleven. Just in
[Graham:] [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] just in case there's any more of what we was giving them.
[Graham:] [LAUGHTER] Ah ah.... [singing] my mad existence. I kept my promise don't keep your distance. Bom bom bom bom bom []
[Stuart:] I think we should have a a spares section glee club.
[Graham:] [singing] and as for fortune and as for pain... I never invited them in though it seems to the world they were all I desired. It's all illusion []... [singing] it's not the illusion it promised to be the answer was here all the time. I love you and hope you love me. Don't cry for me Argentina [].
[speaker004:] a little bit.
[Graham:] Eh?
[speaker004:] Eh? Saying to Cherub, you're going for it over there. Yeah.
[Graham:] [singing] Don't cry for me Arthur Negus la la la la la la la la la.
[speaker004:] Whatever happened to... all the heroes calling all the heroes shooting up the town boys
[Graham:] Calling all the heroes shooting up the town boys.
[speaker004:] all of the heroes []
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [whistling] [singing]
[Graham:] Oi, I thought it was a musical bit.... Erm [singing] The phantom of the opera's here inside my mind.
[speaker004:] The phantom of the opera is here... inside my mind... pull back the curtains
[Stuart:] oh oh oh.
[speaker004:] one thing's for certain any dream will do []. [singing] []
[Graham:] [LAUGHTER] Fucking []. You can't sing anything without him bringing up Chelsea. Fucking hell's bells.... Hell's bells and little fishes you...
[speaker004:] What?
[Graham:] Erm
[speaker004:] Oh bollocks....
[Mark:] [singing] Well bless your beautiful hide wherever you [].
[Graham:] No, you can't have that one. We've sung that one anyway.
[Mark:] Have we?
[Graham:] Erm
[Mark:] [singing] Oh the bright golden sun in the morning... oh the bright golden sun in the morning. And the palm's high as an elephant's eye and everything's growing right up to the sky. Oh what a beautiful morning oh what a beautiful day I've got a wonderful feeling everthing's going my way.
[Graham:] Everthing's going my way. Happy talking talking happy talk ba ba ba ba ba talk about things you'd like to do. You've got to have a dream if you don't have a dream how you gonna have a dream come true? ba ba ba ba
[Mark:] have a dream if you don't have a dream how you gonna have a dream come true? [] Fucking hell.
[Graham:] [singing] Talk about a girl []
[speaker004:] [singing] Rosemary I love you [].
[Graham:] [singing] When I'm calling you ooh [] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker004:] [singing] you ooh [] [LAUGHTER] fucking hell.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [singing] I'll be calling you ooh ooh ooh [].
[Stuart:] Oh my life.... Ugh.
[speaker004:] Second part oh yeah....
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [singing]
[Graham:] [singing] la te do [] [LAUGHTER].
[speaker004:] well impressed. reasonable.
[Graham:] Eh?
[speaker004:] [singing] do ray me far so [] Three pound seventy five for...
[Graham:] It's Nigel. Again.
[Stuart:] Three pound seventy five for what?
[Graham:] Three pound seventy five for what?
[speaker004:] For the examination.
[Stuart:] Yeah?
[speaker004:] Six pound seventy five for an extraction.
[Stuart:] Mm.
[speaker004:] It's a bit better than a hundred and one pound ninety two pence....
[Graham:] Yeah but are they still gonna do that... you're not having it filled?
[speaker004:] No. Pulled out.
[Graham:] Pulled out. I'll save you a few bob. Tell me which one it is.
[Stuart:] Yeah I was gonna say, just let me smack her....
[Graham:] Would you touch that tooth, seriously? [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] No.
[Graham:] No, no I wouldn't. No ha ha.
[Mark:] [singing] Some enchanted evening [].
[Stuart:] Don't tempt me.
[Graham:] Ha.
[Stuart:] I might use a chisel. Fucking get all of them, oh messed that one up, have another go. Ooh you know.
[speaker004:] ...
[Stuart:] ...
[Graham:] [singing] Oh what a beautiful morning
[Stuart:] The sunglass drawer that is.
[Graham:] oh what a beautiful []
[speaker004:] Mark. Do you need sunglasses? Every time he opens that drawer do you need sunglasses?
[Mark:] Yes.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [whistling]
[Graham:] [singing] We're all going on a summmer holiday no more working for a week or two. We're all going on a Summer holiday for a week or two me and you []
[Mark:] [singing] I'm... the model of a modern major general la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la [] [singing]
[Graham:] [LAUGHTER]
[Mark:] Can't sing that.
[Graham:] [singing]
[Stuart:] Shut up you. We want, we want a video camera. We don't want a fucking tape.
[Graham:] Ooh ooh. They're daft. [singing] The young ones... darling we're the young ones [].
[Mark:] Fuck off. We ain't singing Cliff Richards.... We refuse.... By all that is holy.
[speaker004:] once didn't I Cherub?... Played it once back on.
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER] Just slap him about a bit.... I mean his face needs to be improved really, dunnit?...
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [singing]
[Graham:] The Rumbolds glee club proudly presents... a mad half hour in the spares section.
[speaker004:] As a special guest, shag.
[Graham:] [LAUGHTER]... Shag. Actually it's kept you really fucking quiet this hasn't it?... Gonna have to put a bit of black thing, stick a black thing
[speaker004:] [LAUGHTER] Yeah [].
[Graham:] in my box every time he comes round here. Have you any comments on this Mick?
[Mick:] Fuck off.
[Graham:] There you go. it's over to you, Longman audiovisual tapes....
[speaker004:] When shag sings.
[Graham:] [LAUGHTER] does that it, I'm surprised little Batman signs don't come up. Kerpow
[speaker004:] Yeah, kerpow.
[Graham:] zow even, bop.
[speaker004:] Zap.
[Mark:] Every time you fucking go and hit somebody.
[Graham:] You, when you whenever you fucking hit somebody
[speaker004:] Just shut the fuck up.
[Graham:] you go smack, smack, smack, smack slappity slap. Biff biff....
[Mark:] When you're old enough you'll be too fucking... ugly.
[Graham:] You hit me you cunt so I'll fucking still owe you one.
[speaker004:] Fucking fuck the pair of you And you and all Shag if you want some. [LAUGHTER] And you just stood there... looking at him []. Yeah I know but I mean... what a way to look.
[Mark:] You can see it now can't you? Listed under fuck... all, all the different types
[Graham:] Eh?
[Mark:] all the different types of variations... fuck has been used for. Shut the fuck up. Why don't you fuck right off? And all these sort of things you know? There's so man so many different variations of it.
[Graham:] Get the fuck out of it.
[Mark:] Yeah....
[Chris:] Fuck off Graham.
[Graham:] [LAUGHTER] Exactly.
[Mark:] That's gotta be the the used one though innnit? Fuck off Graham that's gonna have its own sub-heading just that.
[Graham:] [LAUGHTER] Yeah []....
[speaker004:] You can see... where's this eh, eh you can Could just see it in a Trivial Pursuit question see it now can't you? I mean Tramp is gonna come up and fucking... in the English dict dictionary and... they're gonna say a meaning unknown. Sharon... what the fuck does this mean? [LAUGHTER] You can see in a Trivial Pursuit question in a few years time... what's the most commonly said three words? I love you? No, shut the fuck up.... I know that's more than three. That's four. [LAUGHTER]
[Graham:] I meant to say fuck off Tramp [LAUGHTER].... But I got confused.... Fuck off Tramp....
[Mark:] It's only cos I'm handsome debonair suave sophisticated and fucking... dead horny and hunky. And they're all jealous, jealous.
[speaker004:] Look whoever's editing this tape you've seen the cunt. Now fucking draw your own conclusions from it.
[Mark:] They're all jealous.
[speaker004:] Bollocks....
[Mark:] We didn't ask what held your ears apart.
[Graham:] [LAUGHTER]... I was just about to say that then... if he hadn't have got in there I was. He is on fine form this afternoon....
[Mark:] Form of Rumbolds mental torture... and cruelty.... [LAUGHTER] Think of it, you can see it now. All all these Oxford undergraduates... if you don't go home and learn your words we'll let... we'll make you listen to Chris again. Ah, no no!
[Chris:] Thought this was supposed to be anonymous?
[Mark:] Anonymous?
[Chris:] Anonymous....
[Mark:] They won't fucking know who Chris is. They wouldn't want to know.
[Graham:] They can find out....
[Mark:] You never know, you might become an international celebrity as the person who can...
[speaker004:] Oh go on!
[Chris:] You just break it.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [whistling] [singing] []
[Mark:] I'd love to do it... this is Mark reporting for I T N... Rumbolds. [LAUGHTER]...
[speaker004:] shut
[Chris:] Shut the fuck up.
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]...
[Chris:] In the words of the immor the immortal poet... fuck off....
[Mark:] Eat shit and die you mother. It's cos you enjoy our company so much innit Chris?...
[Chris:] Guess I've just learned to put up with it....
[speaker004:] Only a smidge... a tad
[Mark:] I, I just say to him what do you mind doing?... Fucking have a little drink here or fuck a couple of bob every five minutes.... At the end of the day
[speaker004:] It's in their interests... have a little drink innit, really?...
[Mark:] To have a a little drink....
[speaker004:] [singing] Oh come all ye faithful... joyful and triumphant [].
[Mark:] [singing] Oh come ye oh come ye to Elland Road [].
[speaker004:] Are you asking? Who? Elland Road? [LAUGHTER] Where's that then?... Can't be bothered to go up there though.... If I went... if I went up there
[Mark:] What's the difference between Leeds and the I R A?...
[speaker004:] The I R A are fucking...
[Mark:] The I R A have got a team in Europe.
[speaker004:] If I went to Leeds I'd never go coach falling into the ground. If I went I'd go park the car up wear a Chelsea shirt.
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker004:] Do they know us up there then? Yeah... rather. Just a come down there down Chelsea get their fucking heads kicked in. I suppose innit? Fucking hate each other. I don't know
[Mark:] Leeds and Chelsea had the worst record in
[speaker004:] Yeah.
[Mark:] Britain at one stage.
[speaker004:] Fucking hate each other don't they?
[Mark:] Leeds were the first club to be thrown out of Europe.
[speaker004:] They hate each other
[Mark:] Yeah.... There's fucking big punch ups after a Leeds Chelsea game.... Big fisticuffs. Oh no... I hate it when than ha when that happens, you fucking pull off the corner... and the top don't come off. It's a real bitch to try and get into. [whistling]
[Stuart:] Here are Mark... put two five one O O seven one, about five seven or eight.
[Mark:] Yeah... if you could.
[Stuart:] Is it an inch and ten inches?
[Mark:] You'd have to look up in.
[Stuart:] Yeah, you don't know then?
[Mark:] Two one thousand.
[Stuart:] Fuck off!
[Mark:] Two one thousand o seven one I think it is... is it's equivalent.
[Stuart:] I dunno... If I the exactly the same part bits on it?
[Mark:] Yep... the only difference between the two, is the colours... [singing] If I could talk to the animals... walk with the animals, sing and dance and squawk with the animals... ah la la la... la []!
[Stuart:] Is yours the?
[speaker004:] That's
[Mark:] No... it's er... that's one film I'd never seen, but I'd like to see. Erm
[Stuart:] Doctor Doolittle.
[Mark:] Doctor Doolittle... and around the world
[Stuart:] !
[Mark:] in eighty days, I've never seen that all the way through, with David Niven. I wonder who wrote that Doctor Doolittle?... Who wrote that?... Barry's the man with the words... [shouting] Barry []!
[Barry:] Hello!
[Mark:] Who wrote Doctor Doolittle? Do you know? Doctor Doolittle.
[Barry:] Yeah... you mean as played by erm
[Stuart:] Rex Harrison.
[Barry:] Rex Harrison
[Mark:] Rex Harrison... yeah.
[Barry:] Cor!... no can't.
[Mark:] Oh I just wondered... Just wondered who it could be.
[Barry:] Not H G Wells?
[Mark:] Probably somebody obscure.
[speaker004:] What's that?
[Mark:] Doctor Doolittle... who wrote that?
[speaker004:] I dunno.
[Mark:] Well we didn't ask you!
[Barry:] I mean you would of said George Bernard Shaw it would've been.
[Stuart:] Who?
[Mark:] Who?
[Stuart:] Nev never heard of him!
[speaker004:] Who?
[Mark:] Pygmalion.
[Stuart:] Who?
[Mark:] Pygmalion... wrote Pygmalion.
[Stuart:] Sorry?
[Mark:] Pygmalion.
[Barry:] He wrote Pygmalion and sang Doctor Doolittle.
[speaker004:] Eliza Doolittle... Eliza Doolittle.
[Stuart:] Do you want to?
[Mark:] Come on then sunshine... let's boogie!... Let's fucking boogie!
[Stuart:] I ain't dancing with you, you twit!...... chocolate star fish hunter!
[Mark:] Fuck off!
[Stuart:] Got a? [whistling]
[Mark:] [singing] Waterloo... how can my Waterloo []
[Stuart:] Shitty fucking shit!
[Mark:] [singing] De de de deddle deddle de da da da da da da da []. As he said could of taken the whole fucking
[Stuart:] What you
[Mark:] lot off!
[Stuart:] What do you want me to do to prove that that wasn't me?
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]
[Graham:] Just wait till they bring... and get down and to get on down
[Stuart:] If that what it takes
[Graham:] and
[Mark:] I'll swear on anything, I don't care, I'll swear on the bible if you want, if you got one handy. Yeah but it's no good swearing on the bible if you don't fucking believe in it is it?
[Stuart:] I do though.
[Graham:] Just ask.
[Mark:] Bollocks!
[Barry:] Stu....
[Mark:] It was fucking you Stuart!
[Stuart:] It wasn't Mark.
[Mark:] Just wait until the last day, when you come, you sit down on the fucking stool and... each leg goes like that!
[Stuart:] You watch
[Mark:] Just wait!
[Stuart:] You rewind that tape... right, to about ten, eleven, twelve, something like that, I can't remember when you did it.
[Mark:] How are we supposed to know when we fucking taped it!
[Stuart:] That's what I said, about ten or eleven or twelve. Well it's at least one and half hour tape.
[Mark:] Well that's fucking
[Stuart:] innit?... I'd... and the words would be... I was bored... and that's Cherub saying it, and he said that
[speaker004:] I was bored?
[Stuart:] as he was
[speaker004:] I never
[Stuart:] walking back... I don't know why I'm explaining that!
[Graham:] You
[Mark:] We do
[Graham:] fucking!
[Mark:] cos you're the bloke who did it!
[speaker004:] We thought this before.
[Stuart:] Yeah I know!
[Mark:] [shouting] So it's
[Stuart:] And I'm
[Mark:] fucking you! It is! []
[Stuart:] [LAUGHTER] I've admitted to it [], when it has been me.
[Mark:] Court adjourned.
[Stuart:] I admitted it when it was me, I even fucking repaired the stool
[Mark:] Bollocks, did you!
[Stuart:] when it was me! You le, you ripped his fucking stool to shreds, and then said it was me!
[Barry:] As I told you all
[Mark:] But I ripped your stool to shreds
[Stuart:] Yeah, and then I
[Mark:] and said it was you.
[Stuart:] then I ripped his stool to shreds and then fucking you... you admitted to me, it was you!
[Mark:] Yeah.
[speaker004:] See I
[Graham:] How's it go... how's it go?... On the... If the
[Mark:] adjourned.
[Graham:] Ten past four.
[Mark:] Ha.
[Stuart:] No this is, this is a fucking pain!
[Barry:] What's going on here then?
[Stuart:] It's falsifying evidence.
[Graham:] What?
[Stuart:] I'm getting the blame for crime I didn't commit.
[Mark:] Right then Mr, shall we go through it just one more time and make your appeal
[Stuart:] You've heard of the six and the Birmingham four and the Renault five... this is the fucking
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] one!
[Mark:] Oh!... Oh!
[Stuart:] This is a miscarriage of justice.
[speaker004:] ... fucking
[Mark:] Okay... order! Order! Order!... Order!
[Stuart:] No comment.
[Graham:] Stuart.
[Barry:] Yeah where's the
[Mark:] This is daft innit, eh?
[Barry:] justice and that man thinks
[Mark:] Eh?
[Graham:] I'm afraid he is guilty though, alright?
[Mark:] He is he is guilty.
[Stuart:] [LAUGHTER] I don't believe this []!
[Graham:] Eh?...
[Stuart:] They're being a little
[Graham:] No I must admit, I don't remember this scene.
[Barry:] Well there's no cutting little
[Mark:] Go on boy yeah!
[Stuart:] Oh oh what!
[Mark:] Yeah right behind your fucking chair!
[Stuart:] Oh that doesn't prove a thing!
[speaker004:] He had Gary
[Graham:] It does.
[Stuart:] This is a right fit up!
[Mark:] And...
[Stuart:] I have to hand it to you
[Mark:] circumstantial evidence.
[Stuart:] I have to hand it to you.
[Mark:] Hang him by his bollocks!
[Graham:] listen to everything, after all he will
[Mark:] That's true. Isn't it?
[Barry:] I reckon... thirty.
[Stuart:] That's your printout Mick... here are.
[speaker004:] You know
[Stuart:] Here, the old!... They
[Graham:] I think
[Stuart:] can print it.
[Graham:] It's not very nice
[Mark:] Yeah but I should probably get a bit of today there, no problem.
[speaker004:] Ah... it's me, it's alright.
[Stuart:] And there won't be for sure.
[Mark:] No it won't come off.
[Stuart:] Get off!... Get off!
[Barry:] And he sells some
[Stuart:] Get off!
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER] He really likes that, he does, he goes
[Graham:] he does
[Mark:] Ooh look!... Ooh!
[Barry:] He never
[Stuart:] Get the
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] Get the fuck off!
[Graham:] do you hear.
[Mark:] No.
[Stuart:] I said, get off!
[speaker004:] Why not?
[Mark:] Got off of there and get down them there!
[Stuart:] [LAUGHTER] No that really wasn't what I was trying to say... Get off!... Oh that's been all over the fucking floor!
[speaker004:] [LAUGHTER]
[Mark:] you cheat!... Oh look he Cherub, that's cos he did it.
[Graham:] [singing] Man that was all over too [].
[speaker004:] Fuck! Fuck that! It's this afternoon.
[Barry:] Scrub the ears though.
[Stuart:] Yeah sorry I thought it was, I didn't realise these are coming off
[Graham:] It's the muff diving
[Stuart:] I have to add that damn well to make you do it.
[Graham:] What's that old boy?
[Stuart:] He's not there is he?
[Graham:] He is.
[speaker004:] Oi, leave that alone!
[Stuart:] Who Ton?
[Graham:] No, got it out my bag... settle for that crap!
[Barry:] What's that?
[Graham:] I could be here all, fuck this thing!... That won't be a tramp... that one.
[Barry:] Must say something.
[Mark:] What're you up to?
[Stuart:] What does it fucking look like, cunt!
[Mark:] Fucking do it on your bench!
[Stuart:] Could... but there's no room on my bench, it's not a very flat bench either.
[Mark:] Stuart.
[Graham:] Oh.
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Mark:] Yeah... nice fucking time sheet though innit!
[Barry:] Is it?
[Mark:] Nice and destroyed.
[Stuart:] Hey!
[Mark:] Fuck off!
[Barry:] I see it co, I see it coming to blows!
[Graham:] Get this!
[Mark:] Oh what do
[Graham:] Then fisticuffs in here Barry.
[Stuart:] I don't like being accused of a crime I didn't commit, cos I admit to things I do.
[speaker004:] Eh?
[Mark:] Bollocks!
[Stuart:] [LAUGHTER] I didn't do that Mark []!... I'm telling you... I've admitted
[Mark:] what?
[Stuart:] to when I did it.
[Mark:] Did what?
[Stuart:] Ripped a bit out of his chair.
[Barry:] Ripped my fucking seat!
[Stuart:] I did it in the past, right, and I did blame it on Mark, right and that... last thing
[Mark:] Blamed it on me, you cunt!
[Stuart:] No not you.
[Mark:] Well fuck it then!
[Graham:] He blamed it on you and fucking admits it!
[Barry:] No I did it to Marks' then blamed it on Cherubs and Cherub come over... and did it to Marks'... and I admitted to it, or so or
[Mark:] No, no, no, no!
[Stuart:] the other way around or something like that.
[Graham:] But I got twe... so that Mark blamed it on me... but I'd sussed it, as soon as starts tramping
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Graham:] on the inside of str
[Barry:] Er
[Stuart:] And this time, it isn't fucking me!
[speaker004:] Oh yeah.
[Graham:] Oh yeah... we had Douglas.
[Stuart:] It isn't me!
[Mark:] Yeah, I know he's admitted it... already... that doesn't mean we're not gonna get you back for the first time you fucking did it!
[Stuart:] I even repaired his seat for him!
[Mark:] Yeah, you never repaired mine did you?
[Stuart:] Mark cos I didn't do it to yours!... I did it to his.
[Mark:] Don't think, I can't remember, you're doing my head in tramp, [LAUGHTER] fuck off []!
[Stuart:] I did it to his.
[Mark:] And he did it to mine and then I did it to his, and you repaired his but you never did mine.
[Stuart:] Yeah well, sorry.
[Graham:] You're a cunt!
[Mark:] Yeah, exactly!... Here, here, here!
[Graham:] I thought they knew you cunt!
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] Fuck off!
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER] He is []!... You're a sad case int you really!
[Stuart:] Shot away with him.
[Graham:] Who?
[Stuart:] Him... junior.
[Graham:] No this old mad man... apparently he can't afford some.
[Barry:] Twist my arm.
[Stuart:] I was waiting for that! ... you played fuck all... go and number four they'll be able to help, twelve and twelve, number three, make sure you don't cut it... probably got a.
[speaker004:] Yeah.
[Graham:] I've co come to stay the night with.
[speaker004:] Fucking hell!
[Graham:] Good that, makes the old fucking it's still ringing, fucking...... what'll happen. [whistling] Right, you take it in... It's alright, I've only slipped up.
[speaker004:] You're a cunt! could eat that here!
[Mark:] [singing] Rule Britannia... Britannia rules the waves []... [whistling]... It will be!
[Stuart:] Don't think that will.
[Mark:] And then we'll fucking sweet!
[Stuart:] It be it better not be and fucking!
[Mark:] Well if you sit on it and four legs go in different fucking directions
[Stuart:] There's the main part... doesn't matter.
[Mark:] and your mummy comes in a.
[Stuart:] At the end of the day, it ain't worth it.
[Barry:] What's that? You don't like.
[Mark:] Your mummy goes ah!... Stuart what the fuck have you done!
[Stuart:] Er I probably, she probably won't say that, she'll probably belt you round the ear! [whistling]
[speaker004:] Tha that wasn't me... I said you ain't fucking learnt!
[Stuart:] I love it, it's great!
[Graham:] fucking talk to you now!
[Stuart:] [LAUGHTER] Couldn't believe he said that []!... About, a right poof's game... see he's a cunt... the football.
[Mark:] Yeah I reckon.
[Graham:] The old chocolate
[Stuart:] Fucking nonsense sport!
[Mark:] I don't know.
[Stuart:] Must be... dangerous team in the world.
[Graham:] Right lads, a lot of them coming up for sport today.
[Mark:] What time is it?... please.
[speaker004:] Dunno.
[Stuart:] Eighteen minutes past.
[Mark:] Fucking pack up early didn't you?
[Stuart:] Yeah... turn around time.
[Mark:] [singing] I'm so vain []... [whistling]
[speaker004:] You're gonna get your fucking head kicked in!... You got a mate?
[Mark:] Just run that number.
[Stuart:] Fuck right off!
[speaker004:] I can feel the stare.
[Stuart:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker004:] Fuck off Stuart!
[Stuart:] Nice shot!
[speaker004:] Fuck off!
[Graham:] Oi, fuck off!
[speaker004:] Come on.
[Graham:] ... Wait till lights out.
[Stuart:] You know you won't.
[Mark:] He fucking will!
[Stuart:] He'll have a go... but he... he won't succeed Mark.
[Barry:] Come on then Cherub, let's go for him shall we?
[Mark:] Both of you might do him.
[Barry:] Who?
[Mark:] Or should I say you need my help.
[Graham:] Fucking...!
[speaker004:] What need the
[Stuart:] Oh look he's standing near Leggio look.
[Graham:] Yeah,.
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]
[Graham:] [LAUGHTER]... it always works
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]
[Graham:] it always works dunnit?
[Stuart:] I don't know.
[Graham:] Look at that.
[Stuart:] Come on, you got an iron fist?....
[Mark:] Sixteen storeys back... sixteen blocks back.
[Graham:] Make it a... you got a good shot there.
[Barry:] The old ones.
[Graham:] All the old one's are the best.
[Stuart:] Well perhaps I can see you go for them.
[Graham:] Have you got in there?
[Stuart:] Ah!
[Mark:] The old boy.
[Graham:] [singing] Old McDonald []... They always work... last time I heard.
[Stuart:] Get off!... Cunt!
[Mark:] Fuck you... mister!
[speaker004:] seven eight... two one one seven eight... one two
[Mark:] Whoops!
[speaker004:] six. [whistling]
[Mark:] [singing] Here we go, here we go, here we go []... [shouting] Oi! Stuart!... Stuart!... Where you going []?... Do you mind!
[Stuart:] What?... If you if you say something like how far would you of got, if I hadn't of called you back
[speaker004:] or
[Mark:] It's only twenty three minutes past... you're a naughty, naughty boy! Cos you were going up there before twenty five past weren't you?
[Stuart:] Twenty seven minutes past.
[Mark:] Twenty minutes past then. Stuart!... I'm gonna tell!... [shouting] Derek!... Derek mate []!
[Stuart:] I already got past the.
[Mark:] Eh?
[Graham:] Gotta get the old fifty again this morning, old boy.
[speaker004:] Well you shouldn't
[Stuart:] It's on ten minutes.
[speaker004:] Right?....
[Barry:] Now you got that old watch... you er
[Mark:] That's it, I ca I clocked it in... one up there... and it's like.
[speaker004:] The old man couldn't even put this Christmas.
[Mark:] Where's my fucking bag gone?
[Stuart:] Eh?
[speaker004:] It's here.
[Mark:] Good boy. Leeds have got their fourth round one tonight against Everton....
[Stuart:] It's there... there's no you pratt head!...
[Mark:] [whistling]...
[speaker004:] But when I bought. I got it fucking awful again this morning....
[Mark:] You get a photograph then mush?
[Stuart:] Eh?
[Mark:] You get a photograph then?
[Stuart:] No, I've taken a couple, look.
[Mark:] Eh?
[Stuart:] taken a couple, look... yeah?
[Mark:] Have you.
[Stuart:] Don't know what they're gonna come out like... did it with my camera.
[speaker004:] Alright Tramp?
[Mark:] It's.
[Stuart:] Yeah... I was a bit drunk so I don't know what they're gonna come out like.
[Mark:] What's that, a bit drunk last night?
[Stuart:] Not badly, just enough so I couldn't focus properly.
[speaker004:] Get the old
[Mark:] Oh yeah?
[Stuart:] Some rude shots... Get the camera and the photos and I would and if... and if there ain't any photos... so I get it back into focus and he do it again and it... bit out of focus.
[Mark:] Oh well tha that might of had something to do
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Mark:] with the focus.
[Stuart:] Yeah it is, I know about it....
[Mark:] She actually let you photograph them?
[Stuart:] She had her clothes on.
[Mark:] What do you say that was for then?
[Stuart:] Eh?
[Mark:] So you can show the lady at work.
[Stuart:] No I just told her the truth, I wanted... wanted some of her
[Mark:] I heard you wanted a couple of photos of her... so you could take them out in your wallet and keep them close to your heart.
[Stuart:] I wanted to waste a film!
[Mark:] Aha, fucking hell!
[Stuart:] No, cos I I haven't used my camera for over a year and it's been fucking flung out from S A and all sorts.
[Mark:] And now you're taking it back to S A and it'll probably be left out there.
[Stuart:] They're taking the yeah I should of done really, so I but I didn't know I was going back. So I've er I'm taking a load with different lenses and stuff. Just checking it out and something to write on. There's not the point going out there and fucking taking God knows how many pictures
[Mark:] Yeah and not
[Stuart:] and then coming back and it's not fucking working properly!
[Graham:] old boy... You're going.
[Stuart:] If I was taking er
[Mark:] [singing] Happy ever after... young lover!... is he weird []!
[Stuart:] Yeah I said to her I wa wanna waste a film and I couldn't think of anybody better to waste it on.
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] Then I realised what I was saying, and it sort of realised that it wasn't really a a complimentary thing to say to her.
[speaker004:] No it wasn't.
[Stuart:] That was after she hit me!... [whistling] a couple of them in there.
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Mark:] Yes, yes, yes.
[Stuart:] A couple of her cats... friends down last night so she wasted a couple on them.... Played this game called Snog.
[Mark:] The what?... Dog?
[Stuart:] Alsatian's.... Snog yeah.... I can't remember how you get there, I can't remember how cards is how many cards it is, but you get loads of cards, with with pictures of different things you have to kiss and it ranges from the hand at one point, navel six points, bottom seven, lips eight points, cheek three points, erm the chest fifteen points and there's a fig leaf one fig leaf bud in there, fifteen points and you can kiss anything you like.
[Mark:] Oh right yeah.
[Stuart:] Right and there's also, what it is, is there's also a few cards just with snog on.... And when you that lay down you can look at whoever what the other players have got face up and you either go for a player... or you go for the maximum points. But you've gotta try and get the most points to win the game. And you pick you one you want to kiss and you have to kiss them on whatever their card is showing. And then if if you lay down the joker cards you have to kiss everybody. Right.... There was erm me, Karen, her flatmate and her flatmate's boyfriend.
[Mark:] Oh yeah.
[Stuart:] Playing this game last night till three o'clock in the morning. Quite a laugh. I won three games [LAUGHTER] in a row []!
[Mark:] Yeah?
[Stuart:] Cos I'd kiss anything! [LAUGHTER] I'd had a few []!
[speaker004:] Don't sound like a lot .
[Stuart:] Wha Eh? I always get something wrong, I always... I kept, I kept getting to kiss her flatmate's chest. And I was only doing up here but er, that's good enough, sort of thing I kissed her on the lips a couple
[Mark:] , was everywhere
[Stuart:] of times... kissed her on the arse a couple of times, great!
[Mark:] Eh? She kissed me on the arse a couple of times, kissed me on the navel a couple of times. Yeah.
[Stuart:] But somehow, I me and this other bloke managed to avoid each other.
[Mark:] Aha.
[Stuart:] I think he laid a joker card and I had a hand card up, so he had to do a kiss my hand. And so you get a dice. Well and it's the normal one to six dice and all that whatever the dice shows you times it by five seconds like. One one dot of the dice, five seconds, six, thirty seconds, yeah? And he he got he got my hand for five seconds and then I I got... I got his hand for ten something like that.... The rest of the time we managed to avoid each other it's good.
[Mark:] Sounds like a good game.
[Stuart:] It's quite good if you well we were quite well away, but nobody was really jealous of each other and that.... Certainly be a good game if you know people, you're not....
[Mark:] Yeah have you ever played er spin the bottle? Used to play that at parties.
[Stuart:] You gotta have a go at strip poker though Yeah. But the thing is we were all really I mean thing I'd we've all nearly in a state of undress anyway.
[Mark:] Yeah it's about ten of us at this party put the bottle in the middle and spin it and whoever the the open ends comes at is the the previous spinner's gotta kiss that.
[Stuart:] didn't play.
[Mark:] Yeah. Well then I I fucking spun this bottle. I got the tastiest bird in the place... and all that and er she spun it and spun it back to me and spun it. and he's he's a bit younger than me and I've gone come on then give us a kiss, like this, and he's gone like that, I thought, just there like this and I've leant over and went just there. And he's he's turned over this and just gonna slap one on me and I've turned my head and gone like that [LAUGHTER] and he's fucking caught me right on the fucking lips []! A real cracker! So funny! Fucking hilarious! He wet himself!
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Mark:] He went, oh you dirty bastard!
[Stuart:] Yeah if you if there's some broad-minded adults there.
[Mark:] But if you're really pissed, you don't care about them do you, eh?
[Stuart:] No that's right.
[Mark:] Everybody wet themselves! You dirty bastard!
[Stuart:] [LAUGHTER] Nice []! Susan trying to kiss me on the arse right and I fucking farted!
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER] Urgh []!
[Stuart:] She said you dirty animal... fucking git!... She got me she had to kiss me on the arse... she fucking she had to be there thirty seconds to get the points and I farted at about ten seconds
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Stuart:] [LAUGHTER] And we wouldn't let her have the points till she came back and finished the other twenty.... Quite a funny game. There's this thing called sex maniacs. Sex maniacs version of Trivial Pursuit.
[Mark:] Oh yeah.
[Stuart:] Like erm... can't remember them erm.... Oh fucking hell, I was gonna try and remember some of the questions to bring in but I didn't. Oh yeah, what's the things like, what is what is the highest phallic symbol in France?
[Mark:] Er, the Eiffel Tower.
[Stuart:] The Arc de la Defense the Tour de la Montpasset or the Tour Eiffel. What does verversity mean?
[Mark:] Eh?
[Stuart:] What is verversity verversity
[Mark:] I dunno.
[Stuart:] Is it and it's a multiple, is it A, a woman's preference for men's clothes... erm... two other answers. Sometimes there's just the totally outrageous funny answers to, sort of, some of the questions, sometimes they're... similar... and it's like verversity [] woman's preference for mens clothes. Erm there's all stuff like that you know, there's famous things you know. Who said who said sex is just five minutes of squelching? Is it A, Sid Vicious, B, Johnny Rotten, or C er Malcolm Maclaren, and apparently it was Johnny Rotten. Stuff like that, it's quite funny. What you gotta do is, each card, if you they ar the person in front of you asks the co the question and if you get it right you get that card and each card has got a letter on it and you gotta try and make up sex maniac.
[Mark:] Oh I see, yeah.
[Stuart:] But you can't can't throw any away until you've got ten and then you can throw one away. And also in there there's like, there's there's the odd card saying swap your entire hand with somebody to the left or the right of you, or swap a card with the person on the left or the right of you, and that's quite funny for a laugh as well. Some of the questions are a are right outrageous! Can't remember hardly any of them now.
[Mark:] forget whether er, have you ever had any oh book o, oh it's a game called Quotes.
[Stuart:] Quotes?
[Mark:] Yeah, something like that, I'm just trying think who said
[Stuart:] I think I've heard it.
[Mark:] such and such.
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Mark:] One of them was erm who said er it said Mae West
[Stuart:] it's a great shot! Said hey Mae We Mae where are your tits gone? She said, do me a favour and get off my back! Hardly! Something like
[Mark:] Yeah. you know? Quite a good game.
[speaker004:] About One of the
[Mark:] Scruples is a good game.
[Stuart:] Scruples is good.
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Stuart:] Quite good, I like that.
[Mark:] One of the questions that does spring to mind is which of these three people have an I Q er four times their chest size, is it A I can't remember the woman, erm with a thirty two inch chest B I can't remember, Jane Mansfield with a forty three inch chest
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Mark:] or C, Albert Einstein with a forty seven inch chest? And it was B. Jane Mansfield had an IQ forty, er four times that.
[Stuart:] A hundred and forty one.
[Mark:] Hundred and sixty a hundred and seventy two that's quite high isn't it? I was quite surprised, I said fucking Albie Einstein! Sunday morning... first thing on the piss with Andy and stopped round his house.
[Stuart:] Mm.
[Mark:] He come in, he's fucking right as rain... me come in... oh I'm feeling right... got in, sat here for about half an hour... quick mad dash, chucked at the fucking shit house... murghhh!... the fucking... well... I won't be able to play cos I don't I don't throw that evening I won't throw at all I won't throw the next morning.
[speaker004:] Throw up in the morning.
[Mark:] I sometimes feel like it.
[speaker004:] Yeah. Well I must say
[Mark:] I sometimes wish I did but I I've never done it in the morning.
[speaker004:] Yeah, You're a cunt!... That means I could have
[Mark:] What about with a bird?
[speaker004:] Yeah
[Mark:] Not out of
[speaker004:] They don't really think
[Mark:] Something like that.
[speaker004:] Cos you're fucking... can't wait there!
[Mark:] I said I
[speaker004:] During the time
[Mark:] That's why I don't
[speaker004:] Yeah... Manchester. Carl!
[Mark:] What all those?
[speaker004:] Thing about up north is they got good woman
[Mark:] Oh I don't know, we ain't got bad ones down here.
[speaker004:] Yeah he's quite keen to do some nice work.
[Mark:] So you're going down the south coast, it's lovely... Guildford's alright, where they, they're fucking stuck up bitches! Hope we go to fucking Cal er... Boulogne!... Fucking weekend!
[speaker004:] So he's still doing it is he? Yeah.
[Mark:] Yeah.
[speaker004:] Are you going? Oops!
[Mark:] Eh?
[speaker004:] Are you going?
[Mark:] No.
[speaker004:] Well I I ain't going.
[Mark:] Eh?
[speaker004:] That'll only be where all the places nearly everybody goes. [whistling]
[Mark:] I know, Boulogne... well it don't matter
[speaker004:] Most of them... with
[Mark:] Yeah?
[speaker004:] Yeah... quite a long way. When I was thinking of doing.
[Mark:] Anybody see erm... Quantum Leap last night?
[speaker004:] Who?
[Mark:] Quantum Leap.
[speaker004:] No.
[Mark:] Brilliant programme that!
[speaker004:] Is there any time sheets in the tray, do you know?
[Mark:] No idea... he's gone from being a Jewish rabbi... last night... and he's he's... sort of gone okay we'll leap now... out of, so he's leapt out of that one... and he's leapt straight into a fucking... little boy's... erm... body... right, and he's a mongoloid... poor little soul... and he's a... downs syndrome kid.
[speaker004:] Yeah... Is this all played by then?
[Mark:] No no, it's like played by the same actor
[speaker004:] So how can he then
[Mark:] Well wha what he does is is he looks at himself in the mirror... something like that... and er... he sees... sees the body he's jumped into.
[speaker004:] Right.
[Mark:] Fucking... brilliant programme!
[speaker004:] I mean you all the way
[Mark:] Brilliant!
[speaker004:] through you see him as... as the actor... but to everybody else he's like
[Mark:] Yeah. [LAUGHTER] Last night [] this... these, as I said, he's playing this rabbi
[speaker004:] Yeah.
[Mark:] and... he's having a punch up with his brother... and he keeps letting his brother hit him... he's got this holographic image he, who accompanies him with this fucking computer, and working out what's going on... why they're there sort of thing... cos he goes back in... into to different times to... to help... these people out
[speaker004:] Yeah.
[Mark:] and er... he goes, aha... the bloke hitting his... his brother hits him, and the holograph standing behind him and he's going... he's going, it's okay, it's okay, I've got you, I've got, like this and you see him fall backwards, straight through the fucking body and he goes... sorry I don't got you! [LAUGHTER]... I said I... he goes like this, and he clicks his fingers and he goes erm... I keep remembering holographs... ho holograms aren't real, ha ha!
[speaker004:] Yeah I, I've... I've sort of heard... that it's quite good, my brother watches it a lot. I keep meaning to watch it.
[Mark:] It's brilliant!... Really is good... Saw it first time when it was out... last year... I can't think that twenty more days and I'm a fucking away.
[speaker004:] When are you actually flying out?
[Mark:] Twenty sixth... about four in the afternoon. You got on this er...
[speaker004:] It's a funny old game! It's... funny old game! [singing] Da da, da []
[Mark:] Da
[Graham:] Where's the
[Mark:] There you go.
[speaker004:] Where?
[Graham:] There you go, have one of those
[Mark:] No it's alright.
[Graham:] Ain't got a small one have you thirty pee.
[speaker004:] [singing] []
[Graham:] Small
[Mark:] Sorry?
[speaker004:] He kept waiting for me.
[Mark:] Eh?... No.
[Graham:] Ain't you got a smaller one than that?
[Mark:] No... that's a.
[Graham:] Take a six, won't it?
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Graham:] Can I borrow that a minute?
[Mark:] Wouldn't worry about it, that's alright.
[Graham:] Alright.
[Mark:] !... Everybody
[Graham:] No, not at all.
[Mark:] everybody fucking!
[Graham:] Do they?
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Graham:] Naughty lot of people aren't you!... I need that anyway.
[Mark:] Makes you laugh don't it?
[speaker004:] Yeah.
[Graham:] I dunno, what about you?... Fucking tapes?
[Mark:] Yep... we are recording for... Oxford English Dictionary.
[Graham:] Oh... I was saying something about that...
[Mark:] Nothing they... provided the lot.
[Graham:] What're you recording?
[speaker004:] [singing] []
[Mark:] Erm... just everyday common or garden conversation.
[Graham:] What and all this fucking behind you?
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Graham:] Why?
[Mark:] It's going into a dictionary... it's to help erm... students I suppose but that's all I can
[Graham:] Can you got a bit of er
[Mark:] Everyday common or garden slang
[Graham:] Yeah?
[Mark:] colloquialism... erm... local accents.
[speaker004:] Here!... I bet innit!
[Graham:] He better,
[speaker004:] Eh?
[Graham:] fucking lights going on and off!
[speaker004:] [LAUGHTER]
[Mark:] Yeah it's recording.
[Graham:] Yeah but it's that light,?... Going on and off... supposed
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Graham:] to be that?
[Mark:] Well it's taping it... with the recording.
[Graham:] That shows that you're actually... picking up the sound.
[Mark:] Picks up everything, it's pretty good actually.
[speaker004:] Here Tramp, let us have a listen to that.
[Mark:] Me and.
[speaker004:] Well Right
[Graham:] Der, der... you got a tape to tape at home Mark?
[Mark:] Eh?
[Graham:] Have you got a tape to tape at home?
[speaker004:] What tape number is it, in there now Mark?
[Mark:] Er... thirteen I think, thirteen.
[speaker004:] Fourteen.
[Mark:] Fourteen.
[speaker004:] [singing] []
[Mark:] I Didn't have time to fucking cut the beef this morning, [LAUGHTER] in the butchers [].
[speaker004:] [singing] the sun go down []
[Mark:] Just... bread and butter and fucking... a big slab of beef.
[speaker004:] That's alright.
[Mark:] Go for it mate, fuck it!
[Stuart:] What does Sud Milsch mean?
[Mark:] Fresh milk... fresh milk.
[Stuart:] Could be.
[Mark:] Ask Graham.
[Stuart:] No... not that bothered ha... next time.
[speaker004:] It's good, it's got a ca, well impressed! Done it really nice, done mine at the weekend.
[Mark:] Oh where's that?
[speaker004:] Up here on the er No... I did mine down in
[Mark:] I wanted to go in a car wash... watch it, just sit and fucking st, right that's the
[speaker004:] It's a lot easier.
[Mark:] and I've never used one of these jet wash things so... it's gone... when it end the cycle will go... and it will indicate right, so I'm
[speaker004:] Yeah the the I'm expecting... like a lights or something are flashing... so I got the off the jet wash and I'd just about got to the... where I started again... it's gone bib bib bib bib bib... is that it? No it can't be... for something... not very loud... and that's all gone, shit, I've fucking it!... I've thought no, it must be the end of the cycle... and as I've said that... the old fucking foam started to pour out
[Mark:] Foam started to
[speaker004:] the brush! Yeah. Fucking shit, so I've got up... fucking like this all the way round... and I've do, I've gone round I've gone round the car twice, I thought, that ain't stopped... but I did, you don't realise it's stopped cos I didn't hear the bib bib bib bib bib... there's so much foam anyway you don't realise there's none coming out... the like fine dribbles coming out of fucking... put the back, put the jets bit on... he rinsed it all down... just about got it rinsed... and then it gives you like erm... a blob... like a wax blob, so I put that on there I thought , yeah. this old fucking soaping up again!... Shit! [LAUGHTER] This is unfair []! Yeah. So I carried on That's a wipe isn't it? I thought I oh and it must, must be the... one round now... I think I just about managed to get round the front It before it stopped. I mean I I try it once but... shoot everywhere though! Well I'm... I went back in and it's come out... gleaming. Really is good... gets your going... but I got fucking wet feet! I don't like using that,.
[Mark:] How much do it cost?
[speaker004:] About, three quid... full works, but about
[Mark:] Yeah.
[speaker004:] pound fifty or something... for like... a shampoo and rinse... I mean I'd use it if I go in there. fucking... er... it was like that... but they ain't... just don't go and get very close to the... like that... So I've gone up under arch of the wheel... got my like that... right state I got in!... if you hold it in one hand. Quite a lot of pressure innit?... You can't Yeah. let go. I we.
[Mark:] Cos a mate of mine with a... moustache, didn't have it for long, he... fucking ri lighting up a roly, he's gone fer... like that, his fucking tash has gone boof!... Straight up!
[speaker004:] Yeah Tuftie's granddad. No granddad hasn't got a tash! you. I popped into the Go on then! Yeah granddad he had er... an operation on his, he had it all fucking lamp-shade, light bulb, he's gone... [LAUGHTER] Fucking dressing! it. His fucking nose! Do you ever watch London's Burning?
[Mark:] Yeah.
[speaker004:] Yeah. It's really good. No cos I had... I had another fucking! Yeah.
[Mark:] Look at that!
[speaker004:] [LAUGHTER]
[Mark:] See that, we're all fucking erm... lying there, glaring under that fucking... bit of timber or something.
[speaker004:] Fucking
[Mark:] And there's that bit of wood burning between his boots!
[speaker004:] Yeah that
[Mark:] And Pete's going oh oh oh!... And he's goes, does it hurt, does it hurt? He goes... I'm alight! I'm alight! [LAUGHTER]
[speaker004:] Well there's nothing stopping those two!
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker004:] Talk about fucking noses, there's one! Aha! Big nose, big ears, big, big mouth! Big. No way! Fucking nightmare! See you later on,. Where you off to? Gotta see a man about a job. [singing] []. You stupid pratt! God he's! Hurry up, he's coming to get you!... Sort them out.
[Mark:] What the fuck's up with you Stuart? What you got the old earplugs in?
[Stuart:] Cos these two are whistling. [whistling] Now do you understand?
[Mark:] Shouldn't have asked really, should I.
[Stuart:] No you shouldn't.
[speaker004:] Wake up!
[Mark:] Can I borrow that little lamp of yours?
[speaker004:] . [whistling]
[Mark:] What time is it chaps, please?
[speaker004:] About half eleven. Yeah. Something like that. Eh?
[Mark:] Seven thirty seven? It's a happy!
[speaker004:] Oh not more naked women
[Mark:] Yeah, I don't know he's put oh he needs another book,.
[speaker004:] Volume five, its about one Here are Tony here's one for you. I get that one. Ah? Bet not give her one. Yeah this is And that a bit of meat there. Oh my god. That's not real flab that I'm telling ya. I know its not, there you go Stew
[Stuart:] Goodness
[speaker004:] Some of that. real It ain't, that's better Steven, you wouldn't give anyone There's Robocop Yeah I know, get some like a big shit out.
[Stuart:] It was broken already... so I glued it up, just had a look at it... see how I could get it, its broken it again. I would if I had some
[speaker004:] He throw it away I got some... [singing] I wanna be, I wanna be a star, oh, oh, oh [] It worked. in it. ... What's another boy Mark?, is that where there are three er thirty-two?
[Mark:] Yeah
[Stuart:] No.
[Mark:] that's thirty.
[Stuart:] That's thirty.
[Chris:] Thirties late.
[speaker004:] Yeah thirty is late.
[Chris:] Forty is three thirty-two
[speaker004:] Yeah... thanks Chris Forty-four is... three thirty-two anyway.
[Mark:] Quelle heure est-il old boy?
[speaker004:] twenty-five past... Third time... Yeah, but they're nothing but a bunch of wankers speak Don't know. What man, what Sorry? Oh its alright... You might have to get it going first. Hold on, that's have a look... I said that'll be perfectly alright on there Hold on, wait there, I'll get the better stuff than that Tramp Yeah Yeah, get some shit hot stuff for that ... He caught his fingers together at work.
[Mark:] What's that?
[speaker004:] Can't we get it on the Yeah, how much did you get then? Oh, its not the not like you see those goodies. Oh yeah next week. Or week after. Its the week after Ah? Next week its supposed to be. Or the week after, just pass the chocolates like you did last choccies, erm... its all we've got the old Quality Street. Tin of Quality Street erm,... tin of Quality Street, Dundee cake, bottle of Whisky and a bottle of... Stones Ginger Wine, all we got last year was a Quality Street and that. You get a What we getting? Yeah, apparently were getting er Quality Street er Dundee cake yeah er a bottle of Whisky and a bottle of Stones Ginger Wine. A fucking cake, I'd rather have a bottle of Gin I'd prefer to that.
[Stuart:] Its got a bloody tape counter on it
[speaker004:] Yeah Its right in it? Fuck off.
[Stuart:] Yeah, got a bag super bag,
[speaker004:] What's a super bag, super bag Crime heads, of yes it has Super bag its Ah? The old tape Why? Oh, cos, they want recording I suppose. Testing one, two, one, two, yes and the voice Yeah and it picks up here, the erm, tannoy [singing] It's not unusual oh to be loved by anyone, da, da, da, da, da, da, its not unusual oh to be loved by anyone [] Did you see that? Ah? Did you see No, no... if I Yeah What was the chicken like mate? Well it put me off a little bit... Just like you [LAUGHTER], yeah man [] all over the a bit. You know your, he don't love.
[Mark:] Yeah, I'll have it in a minute I'm all glued up at the moment.
[speaker004:] [LAUGHTER] He had a luck ah?,... Two black eyes two black eyes, a broken nose, dislocated jaw and sore bollocks Yeah, but he was with the coach and all that Take you home Yeah Oh... Oh Mark
[Mark:] Oh, see you ain't
[speaker004:] Na, give it a stir ... Cos I'm a generous kind of person I was gonna have it anyway. [LAUGHTER], I was I thought Is it, What? Na, What time is it? Chelsea. Two, twenty eight. Two, twenty eight. twenty nine, something like that. Stew we get erm what the fuck am I doing this I've got two twenty nine Ah? [noisy] What's the story of this not stuff, are they Probably... You can't beat Liverpool... Do what? ... Fuck Liverpool, better than you'll ever Come on you Liverpool Really great I've got a self... Ah got another [singing] Always look on the bright side of life [] [whistling]. Give the old up there the old.
[Stuart:] Its a nice time sheet
[speaker004:] It is isn't it? Yeah pin head. Is it pin head? Is that him that keeps doing that or is it fucking Mark? its Mark Oh since Friday, cut that out [LAUGHTER] The whole fucking weekend to do with it. [LAUGHTER] I just can't fucking swear [LAUGHTER] ... Your a bad influence Mark. out there. Yeah, its hardly there It cuts my [LAUGHTER] I thought I'd paid that... The kids watching time sheet up like that. Still I don't Some bloke outside I don't think I've had one time sheet yet that hasn't been cut up, the last... two or three months. just give it the fucking chewed it off completely No, some bloke outside coming in, don't know who it was. Mark probably I don't know fucking tolerant sort of bloke Tolerant sort of bloke, Mm. I'm glad I'm going home at half four tonight... I ain't got a No, I have ain't I? I've worked the last five, get out So out you gonna make up your I'm not. I've only got to make up three hours Sorry? I've got to make up three hours . . Sorry? I've got to make up three hours instead of four Yeah Get docked for it then They keep a list of it and when overtime comes back, see I'll have to make it up then, I'd rather do that than re-arrange all my stuff just for that, I usually come in seven o'clock I usually have to come in seven o'clock, that's how I did it and now I've been over here sort of mucks the whole system so... I've got a driving lesson tomorrow night, I can't cancel that Yeah. pin head he brought it over to me [LAUGHTER] What's the point of having the then?... Well your a super go and get one of them and don't cut a whole out of that bit... I think you boil them, I think you boil them Don't forget I've got He laughs anyway Yeah I know Now what happens he'll laugh, all night he'll fucking laugh I know what your trying to say fucking fell on his head didn't it, and the whole fucking shops in uproar.
[Mark:] Oh my fucking life
[speaker004:] Didn't you know he used to be feather weight champion of Scotland paper weight. army did he? Yeah. fucking wrestling. I was lying. Go and ask him. I was lying, [LAUGHTER]... He's actually in the guards, he's fucking signed.
[Mark:] How can you miss a mouth that fucking big?
[Stuart:] Well mouth
[Mark:] Here are
[Stuart:] like that
[Mark:] I got... [singing] []
[Stuart:] I think... good copy that I the end of the week, I'm just gonna have it up there, only gone and cut that with his fucking as well. I'm getting right annoyed with this now..., why's it only me he does it too Fucking stressed out, I'm fucking, fucking serves the cunt right as well, cos we was gonna book eight hours on that fucking job. Yeah, what about the fucking night that we did two and a bit hours and the other little bits and pieces that we've been fucking doing it,... I get the impression mate honestly that he hasn't heard of it, I'm not sure about but Chris... I don't know, fucking typical
[speaker004:] Quite funny isn't it? Yeah, fucking...
[Stuart:] I don't know... its all a load of bollocks, right old...
[speaker004:] ... Oh what that one I did? Yeah... ... ... You were working something extraordinary Ah? Work something out, its rather extraordinary happens to people of the same age as me For what? all on the same day What's that?... If I was born on the eleventh of the eleventh of the eleventh right, no if I was born on the eleventh about nineteen hundred, then on the eleventh of the eleventh of the eleventh of the eleventh, announce, that's when I was born zero, six, six, eleventh, eleventh, sixty-six, I was eleven on the eleventh of the eleventh of seventy-seven, I was, I was twenty-two on the eleventh of the eleventh, eighty-eight, I was thirty-three on the eleventh of the eleventh noticed how they're all double... all the way through No, all the way through. Spot What? Get the money Oh fuck off Will let yeah Double numbers are, I've, I've got two, one, one. six is my number, then numbers five, one, three, three... another double number, I've got erm, in my car at the moment its three, "C', 'G", Where we 'T', six, six, "W" I tell you what, I've, I've got a good fucking Look at that? take my box home yeah my box home and everything on Thursday night on a job What? just in case they happen to Born on the eleventh of the eleventh sixty-six, that's a zero, so I was eleventh of the eleventh seventy-seven Will that carry on that carry on No, it won't go into the next century, but it will, it would of done back it would of done backwards the eleventh, the eleventh, the eleventh gone all the way from there Yeah, that's right so obviously it obvious No, not, not everybody's works like that does it? It only happens usually once People born on the eleventh once every... every say couple of years... its not Its not, its not all the way through it, We that was an all, thirty odd thousand Yeah I suppose so. Yeah, but its not that, everyone of.
[Mark:] Stupid, but... quite amazing... what time you here till half five?
[speaker004:] No just five.
[Mark:] Who's that twit who does the old erm racing for Channel four, bloke with the side burns and funny hat? Yeah something like that. He goes everybody hates nobody wants and all that...
[speaker004:] They fucking brilliant Don Revie, Don Revie he's er manager, Leeds playing brilliant... Yeah, they still hold two records... Only two straight first division wins.
[Mark:] Seemed a bit daft to me though... you'd think they, mind you they'd, they'd supposed to of had erm er sub contractors down there, in that, that is disgusting, some of these should of been out of the door the. I mean I've got, some of my best friends are fucking sub contractors as you know, really good friends, I mean Jonesy brilliant friend, a great friend, a nice geezer, er Bill beautifully bloke, really nice, but... they should be the first ones out the door, Rumbolds should think more of their permanent staff than they do their fucking contractors staff... that's what makes this company work, that's what makes this company worst than all the rest, ok, you get, you get Union companies which are, must employ sub contractors all the time,
[speaker004:] I suppose times are hard they're the first people who go... they don't start laying off the permanent staff... I can't see how they can justify one shop without The, the thing is they're, they're the only one with an M O D contract... the only ones amongst the How can they have one part of the same company having all this fucking over time while still laying off people I don't know Its not like were a separate division or anything No see British Aerospace there still got to lay off military division, erm, like actually run similar businesses, these aren't lower like the same thing, its not Military Division P L C Yeah Or Division P L C or whatever ... they've still got eighteen hours overtime a week What,.
[Mark:] Saw that Joe verses the Volcano last night and I thought it was absolutely fucking shit... mind you was, huh
[speaker004:] .
[Mark:] What time do you make it Stu?
[Stuart:] I haven't got a watch today...
[Mark:] Graham what time do you make it?
[Graham:] About past...
[speaker004:] Is this the one that has all the yellow Yeah from over there. Better name for him than that but I won't say.
[Mark:] What's that, come on, spill the beans
[speaker004:] look at his face
[Mark:] Yeah
[speaker004:] ...
[Mark:] What's your nickname then Tom?
[speaker004:] cabbage
[Mark:] Cabbage, that's appropriate.
[speaker004:] Ah, that's my second name.
[Mark:] That's your second name
[speaker004:] ... Doesn't make me
[Mark:] No,... so were talking about Boddington's beer man, Boddington's bitter...
[speaker004:] about half
[Mark:] Ah,
[speaker004:] Tell you what about three pints of that, you can real good stuff, so, we, we went up to Blackpool a couple of years back on holiday, and we found this little
[Mark:] Sit round the fucking head on it like that, you go what fucking what, real fucking strong beer... Boddington's from Manchester...
[speaker004:] fuck up there
[Mark:] Right, what've you done?... that's not too bad
[speaker004:] Yeah, but the.
[Mark:] Pan Am and T W A are doing internal flights only now in the States aren't they?... Did he?
[speaker004:] Yeah...
[Mark:] Fucking hell... Jesus Christ... oh dear, you know what that means econom, the America's biggest airlines goes down the toilet
[speaker004:] They've not been making money for years though...
[Mark:] United Airlines and American Airlines I've been told aren't really all that good... to fly with, mate of ours went up to the airport to pick his parents up, they just got back from a holiday in and er they flew and a, on a seven hour journey, where ever it was they come from, they didn't have any food, no food, nothing, what they done is they, they, they'd taken a container off, but they hadn't put a new one on. You looked absolutely fucked Stu, what you been up to?
[Stuart:] ...
[speaker004:] Who'd you go out with last night then? running off so... Oh, its rarely... Have you been I mean will we see you at number one tomorrow? I was old boy... I'll have one in the So, in it? What is? This, this week's got... Six o'clock till about eight, eight o'clock in it? Something like that. Goes top forty don't it? Yeah... just move your body For god's sake cut that down. What you want for the Yeah... make up... Want to go and get this one up? I thought Ah? No, this is one of er, a bit of a baby teeth come out Yeah, ... Yeah, this is rock 'n roll Oh... Oh, you bringing it down to me save me coming to ask, oh no.
[Mark:] How many games did you play then?
[Stuart:] Just one, play one each. I won,
[speaker004:] ... chance in their pockets, win them all, up we go with it.
[Mark:] How many points did you clear?
[Stuart:] I don't know, there were three top knots right, who were,
[Mark:] So you be up the second division next year?
[speaker004:] What you go go, go to men's as well. No, were we on our own like, but I think I never do anything without a You I don't care, I'll just get Crap, Yeah, I know. You play two leagues, were they, were they two leagues?... when I, when I was playing pool we played in the Tuesday league and the Thursday league We play Monday, Thursday play Monday and Thursday... and then Who'd you play for in the old pool? ... Went down there? Do you want to play pool mate?, yeah its Red Lion? Right up the A thirty on the left... Yeah I think I know that Do you? Go in there... turn left, its with the sheep right opposite the barn, played there for years, two trophy's That's, that's before you hit Wentworth in it? Don't know... is it? pass the train station, got up the train station on the left Its quite er, unusual village pub in it? You one No... Another chair my dear. I'll have to come up there one Monday night and watch him play moosh I don't play down Borehamwood. No they... With a We, we, we were playing in the er Alton league at one time, you know, we were doing quite well in that as well we got, one year we come second we got promoted to the first division after our first year, there was only three of their, there were four or five leagues going and they put us straight in the second division and er, but you were going all over the bloody place, you were going as far a field as Petersfield bloody old... there was almost, there was one erm, just outside yeah, still you, really it is too far in it?, I mean if they especially if they want you to do in the, the championship's, they, you got the league and then they play er, a knock out competition don't they? Yeah Yeah, we er, we won the, the losers trophy twice, we got first round trophy, got knocked out the first round to go to that, me, half, half the decent teams were knocked out in the first round, you know, we were, we were playing sort of, that, that was, nine times out of ten that was the real cup, I mean we, we were up against the league champions once Where you? thrashed them out of sight, couldn't fucking believe it, when you've seen a pool table, erm, pool game go on for two hours, that's when you know you two hours. How can you play on a pool table for two hours? It was When the balls go in the pocket in all that time Yeah it was tuck Oh fuck that Oh god absolutely awful don't make you yeah. ... They did well up to well fucking pissed as well, cor Jesus... Yeah we played back,obv obviously this, this was sort of, we were Its nice it was about four all sort of, the, the last pair went, went on and on and on, it got to twelve o'clock and the the, the landlord said right that's it he said I'm closing down no matter what, he said I'd, I've, he wasn't eleven o'clock on, he said that's it I can't keep it open any longer, so they closed it down, we called the game off, called it a boring match, they came down the club, fucking played them there, thrashed them out of sight first four games, no first five games, five nil, straight away, wahey, fucking walloped them, walloped their that was the, that was the league champion's as well, Post Office in Grantham... ... These days I was just getting down drunkenly [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER]... Do you ever do the old speed course?... What Yeah. Where you play pool do they just use these red, yellow balls now? Yeah They've changed it again as well, now, now instead of the er, the white ball being placed anywhere in the anywhere behind the black line at the top. Pathetic game in it really? No, its pretty good. some of them Yeah Oh yeah I that. I mean I, I've never, well I once bloody put money into the machine and all these red, yellow balls come out My taken a bit of banging this morning in it?, hot plate a bit of a bashing this morning. You, almost Ah? Working out the profit margin? No, I'm just seeing erm, what's in stock We've got ten game and ask how much profit their making on something Yeah Take an invitation to buy you either set a price or you don't. That's it. I hope he don't ask you how much profit your making on your tax I wouldn't mind. Well, that's how you probably Anybody change fifty P? Erm, I might be able to... I can change it Er I think I putting the old car in the garage last night, straight up the this car went slow yeah somebody What you got? they, they started Monday morning, they dug up the concrete... they disappeared with the sort of bigger stuff come back in about, Ah? that sandy stuff they lay on the road yeah and erm, then when I got home Monday night, that was how it was just left, you know, so there was about a I must admit I, I was beginning to wonder whether I made a mistake whether I taken on then I popped home Yeah and said can I have some money for me tonight, I said well I was gonna get a cheque out the Abbey National, he said oh no he said work day to day and I thought oh we were talking about it at lunch time, you know, its one of those things that you just don't think about, you know, yeah I said where did you get the tarmac from?, been up London about, on his way to London by about half past four... he said well there's, there's, three tarmac places, basically he people like that yeah oh course, you know, its, unless you think about it, the stuff has to be kept hot twenty four hours a day and he said a little bloke like me, I mean all these yeah but I mean they work on a sort of cash basis... and er the lorries just drive up, get loaded up, course you just have to queue, he said if you get behind six or seven lorries by the time you've got your load then you've got to get back to where your doing the job, then you've only got about two or three hours daylight left, this is why these, these obviously go round there, say do three or four in one area and you get one load get it out get the job done, you know, and when his paid out cash that time of the morning they the don't care you have to pay yeah rather than walk round with wads in your pocket every day, they liked to be able to work on a day to day pay system how much more well that's right, yeah I mean, I... but er yeah, well yeah I mean one of the blokes I he said just over a pair of Just over a what? just over pair of houses that was built. yeah. nice pair of thatched houses. Bloody right He can get away from by the time he's all the money he That's what happened to me old man in the cleaning business, I mean with you could write your own cheque virtually, but they, they had sort of like a three year, three year back log on painting, they just didn't pay anybody. This is it, I mean big, it was embarrassing when I was in the garage, but yeah, you do say yes, then they come back and then go sorry your... you want to get up and... Yeah, my mate thought I was going to his, his old man's a builder and er, he's a good worker and he's trouble getting the money out of him. Yeah a lot of people don't quite understand why But the building game is anyway yeah What I made out of I mean a lot of small businesses, small business, its like paying Russian roulette every single day. I don't know where How much... Yeah... What he does, when he goes out the, to put a Nothing need surprise me somebody went said this bloke never advertise at all its all word of mouth, Yeah wouldn't do a lot of work, but the work he does... yeah, I just want certain amount of money a day... say ten per cent of, yes Erm... alright, my brother so I went out to Yeah and I bought this I mean I cos I wasn't paying cash wanted.
[Mark:] Cor, they're expensive
[Graham:] They are aren't they?
[Mark:] yep
[Graham:] they charged me thirty six quid for a plus V A T, plus a fiver till I bring back the other one.
[Mark:] You'd gone in Blondies next door you might got it a bit cheaper and you can take yourself.
[Graham:] I wanted
[Mark:] Yeah
[speaker004:] starter motor start right underneath the exhaust starter motor this is going back... must be a few years, we were laughing and figuring sort of, you know, this bloke back of the garage in the end he said... we give him the bill and said yeah you can soon run out [LAUGHTER] Your looking at the head on, its on the right hand side and the only you can get it... so I don't really bet how much put on it cos I don't want to get out of my, done it all properly and that.... I'm fucking absolutely got no till tonight. Absolutely for this week He was a day short last week weren't he? Yeah, Worked out right, but not in sort of, I've bought some but including the rest of them I've got about a hundred pounds spending. What out of South Africa. No, in this country up until Christmas I've got about a hundred pound include, including getting Christmas presents, from now too... December the twenty-sixth. Oh dear. Yep Somebody's going to get some shitty Christmas presents then No, somebody's going to fucking go into their three hundred quid overdraft. Yeah... I've only bought three or four presents yeah, count them at the moment. I've only bought one present Ah? wasn't that er Oh right. Oh its silly, it depends how many ca come, well obviously how common the car was Yeah somebody right, by when quite cheap, cos it was fucking Oh yeah, well you wouldn't go to a breakers would you? I mean how many Ferrar, Ferrari's end up in breakers? Oh... Yeah, nine times out of ten...... Who was that, who was nine times out of ten these It's just body work Well the engine erm between cars Yeah, the got to actually change the starter motor erm... I mean on the A D fifties and the two litre they I would sort of, its only a hundred and fifty cc, but the next biggest thing they did was stopping er, a sixteen hundred so quite a lot of those, but nine times out of ten all they did was another part, so I, I, actually heard that the R S two thousand were, were quite reliable out of most of the sports car, but they did, did have to buy a they were quite expensive, same as top of the range car and their, their top of the range of car was parts of them, especially if they, they, they stopped making them in... Same as a Herald eleven year old a Herald was funnily enough because they made so many fucking Herald's, you can get parts for them really easy, I mean Dolomite fifteen, thirteen's, eighteen fifty you can get no problem, any part you want, no problem, but cos its a quick car, people have either fucking killed them or crashed them they've crashed them, they didn't make many of them.
[Stuart:] Frankly, I couldn't afford the fees
[Mark:] No
[Stuart:] whatever I get from this there's gonna be
[speaker004:] Fucking garage
[Stuart:] there's gonna be a big park and, and
[speaker004:] In who's garage? at your garage. Haven't got a your old man said, old man's in there. What I mean we've got, four, four, four cars in our house, the gran lives in the granny annexe inside, god knows how the fucking hell she got a parking space, somehow she did, mum's got her's in there, my old mans parked his opposite, we've got a big double drive as well, my old man parks his on the right and I park mine on the fucking left, its like a parking lot out there in the mornings, and if when he says When, when your brother yeah, he he start driving hasn't started driving yet, but if for instance, erm, I've left my car out, just left it in, in the way, cos nobody... nobody said they were gonna go out and all of a sudden they wanna go out before I get up or something, fucking this cars reversing here, fucking everywhere, but that, and that still got a outside me house its as bad as our house, I say the secret in our house drove cars is three cars parked out the front, so you've got a bit of grass, three cars parked there, you're not allowed to park on the dri, drive,, sometimes parking round the front, but The other thing is, I mean, whatever I get back its gonna be a big part of my spending money, so if I don't stay see it in there? in the paper today, it should be, so if I don't get any, put it this way if I don't sell it before Christmas Well you've still got that two grand of whatever yeah, that's what I'll do, I'll just take some out of that and replace, but I, I've said, I, I'm never gonna touch that I'll be well unhappy if I do, cos I been in real dodgy situations with money and still resisted the temptation to take, touch that money. Yes. yeah, you know. You're not sure we'd let you have any if we did... yeah, what's ain't it? before it [LAUGHTER] dipped it in the canal yeah. last time I went fishing, got Yeah we. I heard about you and your old Mm, just wait till we see him then. Oh shit that might be, you mean recorded for posterity Tape annoyance, can I sing a song? Go on then. Er, what song do you want? Not really, we don't want any songs if you've haven't seen one then for fucks sake [LAUGHTER] do, er... don't know what to say, I've gone all shy Its not like you Ah? its not like you no, good job this is... Manage to speak to me mum and dad, contact with Did you? No, I'm going to go to I tell you what, I don't suppose you could persuade her to get me some contact Yes I could can't you get bi-focal contact lenses? Yeah, yeah, I've know that, that's been on the market for about a year, year and a half now. I've, I've never seen it, well I've, I've, I've only had contact, I've had these, this last set of contacts for about two years now, that's why I want to get some new ones and erm... How much are they nowadays? Tint, tinted ones, there's coloured ones, there's all sorts You can get coloured can't you?, I know they've been doing that for ages. John if I, I, I never got that and er she's got big red different coloured lenses, she's got white outlines Yeah like old Crawley what's his face, the forge, where's he oh yeah Star Trek he's got a pair of them. Can you see through them? , yeah... no point if you can't No [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER] well no, I just wondered, I mean totally in it? Yeah, but they're not are they? Those, those ones are complete cover over, just got the No, this is one to re-cover over Yeah I would of thought yeah you can only get re-cover overs No, I went for contact lenses, he, he just said look, there are lots of ones on the, the market, but I suggest you have these, bloody shape of them, Yeah you get, you get, blue ones which make your eyes bluer than You can get ones that implant sort of colours Yeah actually when I think my eyes, my eyes go dark green, fucking they're almost like translucent green cos the are all fucking [LAUGHTER]... walk into a shop and the girl, the girl goes oh you look tired, you think, yeah, yeah, you know, still fucking red you know, that's what I I don't get red, I've never have done... I, its only sort of over the past sort of half year, and I don't know why, they never started, started to go red Did they when they You're supposed to change you contacts at least once a year Yeah er, apparently after that you can start risking infection, and they get hard and everything, that's what I've noticed My, My get mine in now my aunty gets, gets them back and she says they come back, she, she actually them, and she, she cuts them into the, the shape, of the Iris yeah, and er, she gets them back and er they've got to go through about twenty different processes before they're allowed out the shop, or out the storage, cos even then, when they're in store, they're, they're, some of them come back as cracked, you get ones coming back from er customers sort of thing, been and they come back and they've got pins in them, they've got bloody great er bits on the outside, of the outside. I've got the like I don't know what it is, they've got like the little triangular something on one of the things, its right on the edge of the like a little white mark on it, that's I, I get it sometimes, I, I tell you what I can't get it off, I've soaked it in, yeah if, if you go for a swim right, and you with your contact lenses in, I always wear my goggles over the top, I mean obviously if you dive yeah and you open your eyes, you miss the, the contact right, but always and er, it so you take them straight out, and you've got to clean them virtually straight Well I swim with mine in and I haven't noticed anything... I don't know, maybe its just me... Well you are a bit drunk... if you happen to get anything in your eye, right... the, the thing I found was, if you just close your eye and then open it again, your contact lens would come up with your No, I've never had a problem like that... Yeah You see, I didn't realise I thought there was a soft or hard, but there's actually soft and then there's Yeah. allow and they reckon that soft ones are better suited too sports because, because of the great action they're harder to, to knock out, whereas soft ones er, have better other qualities, I've got this little fucking book, book that I picked up in the Boots in Farnborough the other day... yes, its quite interesting. Hard ones have better greater durability and that er vision and that's it, all the others is, is fair... I don't know, I say I found my ones brilliant they are Yeah, but, but I'm just saying they reckon on this, its like, they had a little chart, its either fair, good or excellent and like all the others there was like vision and wear and stuff and the vision of... that erm, durability and vision capabilities were excellent on the, on the erm Hard ones hard ones, yes, and just good on the and soft ones. but if you think about it, there is the hard ones can have a lot better can't they, I mean the only thing that'll actually harm them is that if you get poked in the eye or something and it shatters the lens cos they are actually you can now get non shatter proof car lenses, shatter Shatter shatter proof car lenses non shatter proof. non shatter proof, whatever, non shatter I think they say... What you want? Got any tens? No, I've got Why's everybody after tens? Yeah, so I can get a kit kat Kit kat Do you want tens I wonder now, I... The ravenous four What did that come out like? I don't know and I thought my sister did. Your sister did, Do you actually do any fucking work?... and especially that McEwan whoever he is Ah? especially that McEwan geezer, whoever he is Yeah I said oh steady on Yeah... I know your sort Michael, you use them to use people, then you throw them away, so they don't matter Must be doing a lot of I do. Ah? ... [singing] you take the high road and I'll take the long road and I'll be in Scotland [] Ah shit, erm Alex Yeah erm... re-spray this and er ... Do you have any round here? No,... ... Yes. What do you think I'm doing here? Had them all set up at one stage. Funny old day again. Yeah, I wish you'd stop fucking saying that. What are my You start fucking I'm going home. I've enough you get Dave like that... Yeah exactly We go Erm, two Surprised I could fucking walk this morning... Ah? ... Did your friends [singing] the bonny, bonny of the [] Yeah ... Fucking, Worse one I had was to go and get some elbow grease. this guy Jim I nearly like that he was like a. I did fucking, I did five years of normal paperwork and plus for the last three years I did double as well cos I got kicked out of french, so I was in metal work like, four hours of metal work every week the last three three years and, cos I was like nine times out of ten I was the only bloke there, the er, the er metal work teacher got on really well, he was showing me all sorts of stuff and I never got to do the actual metal work lesson well nine times out of ten yes, everybody else was in french lesson. Oh. yeah, This is why I had the right attitude when I first got to British Aerospace, anybody any, any anything anybody could tell me about how to fucking like that Yeah cos I had a right old attitude, I mean, I mean, I know it sounds modest, but, I was doing it well, don't get me wrong, I was doing it, and I, but then it started getting a bit Sort of a bit too advanced, stuff that I never got and all of a sudden I was still saying I could do it and I couldn't any more so I, took me ages to get rid of that reputation cos why I know about you see, I forgotten what fucking hard too get rid of it Yeah, even get rid of it... too bad... With us, need, need a bit of a mouthy Yeah. Dave I wasn't saying oh I know it all, you can't tell me how to superior attitude Yeah fucking wasting my time six months. the bastards. But the fact is I have done it all, up till about the first six months there and then I started getting well, well out of my league, you start getting the machining and stuff like that, I haven't done much on them at all. But I still, no I was still saying oh yeah I can do this, getting in a right old state... boys will be boys. I wanted to be a machining but I was.
[Stuart:] That was probably the most, the in, the most interesting form friendship in there, its fucking good, I went for a job in there, but I couldn't I was an apprentice, as I say that, that's what got me going really was the fact that he had to go down and actually... do a design of the and he had to work on the
[Mark:] I think that's technically a, a draughtsman though is it, that's more like a more what we call a design commission.
[Stuart:] Something like that, yeah.
[Mark:] But everybody get it,
[Stuart:] Yeah
[Mark:] every, but all, all the draughtsman unless they were just called
[Stuart:] We always used to play the like you never see what is going on and never know the problems involved in being, that, that was what was good about the, the R A interview.
[Mark:] Yeah, but they're, they're much more keyed up probably their design programme is probably much more advanced than most other places
[Stuart:] The whole idea originally is the R A was to get them we can design as well
[Mark:] Yeah
[Stuart:] so I mean though, I suppose that they probably had erm things they
[Mark:] The, the most efficient wing in the world is seven hundred mile an hour, it, it was a flying pig at, at seven hundred and thirty.
[speaker004:] Ah, ah, sorry? Yeah
[Mark:] Yeah, like I said what's, what's the people's most efficient wing in the world, seven hundred mile that could be a flying pig, but why all of a sudden technology started in.
[Stuart:] See I don't really know much about planes to be honest with you.
[Mark:] There, there is planes, but there is no want the, the world's most efficient because like I said that the efficiency changes at different, different level
[Stuart:] Yeah
[Mark:] speeds, altitudes, stuff like that.
[Stuart:] See some different characteristics and a supersonic and so that then, so the elevator and control services because at supersonic speeds, if you moved at the same distance, at six hundred mile an hour the elevator went like that, so that sort of you're not fucking throwing the plane out of control or the elevator would rip off or something, I mean if you get the same sort of thing probably would only have to do that, break the surface a little bit. The, we
[Mark:] Think how much like
[Stuart:] we did two years theory as well, no three years theory There's a, there's a lot of dead people not dead cos their dead because they've died of old age, dead because they were trying to find out how things work.
[Mark:] Yeah
[Stuart:] We flying a glider or throw themselves of the bridge, if it doesn't work they die, somebody learns from that, you know, I know it, it really was a fucking this, this has been the most extreme of trial and error ever Let's face it a war is the, the biggest single event that can increase technology in the electronics and radars two men on a fucking single budget, two men on something like a three hundred pound a year budget or something silly.
[Mark:] Like behind us, up behind where I live at Sandhurst thirty years now.
[Stuart:] The prin I mean the principal of radar that's fucking fascinating, the did a programme on it,
[Mark:] That's, that's where they go on
[Stuart:] and the first sort of thing they ever had was just like a little screen it just went blip and that's it, all they could tell you was there was something in their vicinity, it couldn't tell you what direction it was or what height or anything.
[Mark:] That was developed up at
[Stuart:] Yeah, and then from that they've now got these fucking things that show the direction, the sign, the speed and oh... its incredible... sonar's been going longer than radar, but only just... we were the world leader's now, I mean we cos we, cos we preserve fuel, we knew exactly, they left it for the last minute to get up there and intercept them.
[Mark:] That's right all of a sudden they're
[Stuart:] They reckon Germany done about ten, fifteen minutes combat time over the, over the
[Mark:] only once who had any staying power with a high
[Stuart:] But then again they were no match to. I mean we, we say the. In nineteen thirty there was something like there was only about er ninety, hundred spitfires in the Battle of Britain all the rest were fucking Hurricane's and stuff... Do they still do that?
[Mark:] No, that's been cut out, same as the blue ribbon crossing the Atlantic... blue ribbon event. Even though, even though er thingy trying to do ain't they?
[Stuart:] The last, the last, the last liner oh yeah, the last liner to actually do it is erm the Queen Mary's
[Mark:] say the Queen Mary [belch]
[Stuart:] I mean the Queen Elizabeth, Q E two never even went into that... like an average steamer, thirty five knots or something
[Mark:] Yeah
[Stuart:] that's fucking going some for a ship that size... I would love to have be able to fly with the or something
[Mark:] yeah
[Stuart:] cos that really was flying you know, that was, no, it was none of this fucking press a button and let the, just a computer do it, you're a computer technician, you're a pilot now, but this fucking Eddy, Eddy the, yeah real, there's, there's quite a few reputable
[Mark:] Oh yeah
[Stuart:] but there's only one real
[Mark:] Oh yes the shame like that
[speaker004:] as well
[Stuart:] there's only one Lancaster still flying, and there's no Wellington and
[Mark:] Well there are, if you go
[Stuart:] there's no Wellington's
[Mark:] if you go to Hamdon
[Stuart:] there aren't any original Wellington's flying because this is why they got
[Mark:] Oh no, not flying,
[Stuart:] no, oh yeah
[Mark:] cos they
[Stuart:] its like lots of as well but... this is why
[Mark:] Its only
[Stuart:] this is why they were so excited about this one they found in the Lock, in the, in er Loch Ness, because it was in such superb condition and they actually reckon they can get it flying again.
[Mark:] its only one short as well Look at all the, look at all the Brian. called defiance, ever heard of that then? There's only three, yeah three they reckon left in the world and they found one with a Japanese
[Stuart:] are still quite, quite around a lot, there's not many of them, there are about fifteen, twenty, there's not that many P fifty one Mustang's either... crying shame in it?
[Mark:] twenty-five bombers.
[Stuart:] There's quite a few of them, cos they were
[Mark:] Yeah
[Stuart:] they the by erm old air America in the early indo China wars.
[Mark:] They're quite, they're quite common actually, I mean there was a couple up at Black Wood
[Stuart:] Yeah,
[Mark:] the only ones left in this country
[Stuart:] they've erm, erm fifty-eight's up at Black Bridge, they used to be three of them there and, one of them was used in the
[speaker004:] plane
[Stuart:] one of them was used in the er film, no er, what's the Richard Burton er Clint Eastwood film?
[Mark:] Where Eagles Dare
[Stuart:] Where Eagles Dare, erm their flying the
[Mark:] See I, I didn't eith I didn't either realise, right
[Stuart:] That was just, that was Blackbush
[Mark:] that helicopter's were fucking around during the second World War but they, they were
[Stuart:] I think the first, the first helicopter flight was thirty seven weren't they?
[Mark:] No, the first V T O
[Stuart:] Flying
[Mark:] yeah, the first V T O L, no thirty-five
[Stuart:] thirty-five, I think its sort of thirty-six...
[Mark:] that was V T O L...
[Stuart:] What's that?
[Mark:] If you think about it, the whole fucking been going since the early six, mid sixties
[Stuart:] Yeah, and they haven't changed at all.
[Mark:] That's a fucking there is still no other bird that can take off
[Stuart:] one but its actually the same
[Mark:] I was gonna say which is, is as good, ah, no its not virtually the same, it looks the same but they've got three engines in it.
[Stuart:] Have they?,
[speaker004:] What's that?
[Mark:] Its something like the erm, the legions
[speaker004:] The Russians or something like that.
[Mark:] the legions, something or other will do it, the Russian versions a harrier, its got three engines in it.
[speaker004:] Certain
[Mark:] Its got, its got er one the downward thrust, one for an angled thrust and one for level thrust, and its got a, they reckon its got about a twenty minute range if it takes off vertically Are you yeah but they've got fucking, just fuck off with the dust...
[speaker004:] Didn't go in your coffee, sorry
[Mark:] Yeah, but its all around in it? I don't need any more with fucking stupid come along with everywhere.... Yeah, the, its like the old
[Stuart:] Yeah
[Mark:] that, that's not supersonic
[Stuart:] ah?
[Mark:] that's not supersonic...
[speaker004:] trouble is that, that, that's got and then they've got the, they've got, its about two or three, they got, they, they never had money to trouble is, is
[Stuart:] We can't, we can't afford to build any more Concorde's, it costs too much...
[Mark:] They're only about twenty years old, ain't they, they sixties Concorde ain't they?
[speaker004:] Sixty nine...
[Mark:] I mean if Britain will, will be
[Stuart:] Did you see that helicopter flying backwards?
[speaker004:] Yeah
[Stuart:] Supposed to be, supposed to be the only one that does that.
[Mark:] No, all helicopters fly backwards Oh you mean loop the loop
[Stuart:] yeah, they also fly backwards there
[Mark:] oh they there are two or three that can do it, not many though, that's what I said two or three
[Stuart:] yeah that's right
[Mark:] technically, if they get
[Stuart:] Yeah that, that
[Mark:] Oh yeah, that's the, the erm
[Stuart:] the only one of its kind
[Mark:] got a little jet outside,
[Stuart:] jets at the back
[speaker004:] What about.
[Mark:] no, one I've seen
[Stuart:] can do it.
[Mark:] the one I've seen is the one without the tail ropers, its just got a little jet out
[Stuart:] yeah
[Mark:] stop the centre stop the erm lever
[Stuart:] This one had er a have a little can't remember what it was.
[Mark:] Bells was the maker of it, did a project on it Gets you, the reason why helicopters haven't been able to do loop the loop unless they've got a lot of height, is because, obviously it pulls you up
[Stuart:] yeah
[Mark:] so if you doing that, doing that keep you up in the air, right, keep doing that you'll go that way, when the helicopter's you want to do that way, so obviously
[Stuart:] like that
[Mark:] when its like that it tries and pulls you down, and this is why there was an accident with a Wessex or something or a Sea King a while ago, where three or four people died, cos it just didn't get enough height and as, as it got to the top it just pulled it straight down to the ground, it couldn't, it didn't have enough height to clear the circle
[Stuart:] Was that a, a Sea King or something, about ten, ten years ago or something, try to do a, a loop a loop air show and crashed
[Mark:] I wouldn't
[Stuart:] it was one of these big things, a Sea King or Wessex or something like that... I remember, I remember
[speaker004:] didn't really they should of
[Mark:] that's what I said it pulls them down, erm the Apache can do it now at any height apparently erm and the, there are, there are two or three particular copter's now
[speaker004:] They've got no
[Mark:] pulls you up do that goes that way, does that goes that way so you're upside down you see, you've not only got weight and gravity pulling you down you've also got the thrust of the engine pulling you down as well, and the only way the helicopters going to be able to do it is by getting enough height so they can sort of drop like that and they start dropping and they can just pull it back I remember it as, I think, I think I think I remember there was like three or four people inside it or something, certainly wasn't a still hold the erm air speed one of them new yeah the engines
[Stuart:] wings are down, yeah
[Mark:] sixteen engines four four, four wing mile on each worlds biggest air. The old galaxy department er, galaxy class as a enterprise erm, the old er galaxy air lift plane with the as well
[Stuart:] The Russian's build this things but they haven't got the money to finance them
[Mark:] yeah
[Stuart:] they haven't got the money to keep them running
[Mark:] commercially
[Stuart:] they had the money to commercially run them,
[Mark:] they built, they built a well beaten aircraft and they haven't got half the technical advantages that the West has and their computers has still, practically just got out of the stage.
[Stuart:] A mate of mine he says he won't tell you for about three or four years.
[speaker004:] Eight twenty-seven, eight twenty-nine
[Mark:] Eight twenty-seven, twenty-eight, twenty-nine
[Stuart:] A well beaten aircraft...
[Mark:] I mean I, I heard a stupid story, that instead of like, the, the... twenty-seventh, twenty-eight and ninth come over here, but the was still, was still using a radio and stuff taken out the pre war stuff, that's how far their radio technology and communications come on. Yeah... With the old F sixteen its like a couch, you sit like that, its just the joy stick in your right hand and you've got all your buttons there, whereas the old Russian one's just a p, a normal sit up and on a joy of a column, its amazing how they fly, make those flew once they do ah? Yeah, but...
[speaker004:] ...
[Mark:] A mate of mine actually worked in a mate of mine actually worked out in Russia and he said you know, piece of discussions about when, where the Russian's sort of appear first and this sort of he said he said erm, this, he said that, that kids running around on the streets of Moscow is actually given a working permit and so he could actual work there and sort of like er one of the top in the, the company and er he said that there are kids
[Stuart:] Mm, I mean you've told me this before Mark, well I, I said to you
[Mark:] kids are fucking running around with just nothing on their feet
[Stuart:] right, that's it, you've, you've told me this three times and I've told you several times as well, the, the Russians put everything they've got into military technology, just because, just because their kids are still running around
[Mark:] They don't they've still got, they've still got no military technology
[Stuart:] they've got one of the biggest armies in the wor, they have
[Mark:] so
[Stuart:] got the biggest army in the world
[Mark:] so, its all on script
[Stuart:] and they and th, what I am saying is they produce, they produce stuff like the twenty-eighth and twenty-ninth, don't be fooled because their kids haven't got enough to eat and stuff
[Mark:] they haven't,
[Stuart:] that's, that's the time to worry
[Mark:] they, they still haven't got any, as you say they haven't got anything to eat, I mean what's the point of you putting
[Stuart:] Yeah, but their military has
[Mark:] everything into military, no they haven't even now
[Stuart:] the military get the best of everything
[Mark:] that was, that was it, that was it, even now, the economy is ruined, there's nothing there
[Stuart:] but I would still bet you that, I'm not gonna say that, that their eating well, but they'll, they'll be eating, they'll be eating twice the amount of as a civilian that's what I'm saying Mark, what, no matter what the state of the economy, the Russian military will be at the best it can be which will be
[Mark:] yeah, but
[Stuart:] three or four times better than the civilian's
[Mark:] some of the guys out there, you know, the Russian people don't want to start anything you know, but also they, they feel they haven't got the technology we have
[Stuart:] no, I mean its obvious that
[Mark:] for, for a start their tanks are still man powered, their still tanks
[Stuart:] no
[Mark:] you know, he, he said, he said he said there's still some of the tanks are still
[Stuart:] still some of them
[Mark:] but he said, he said.
[Stuart:] but every front line regiment in the Germ, in Germany had, they were the first tank regiment to get completed with er, er, computer optic sights and stuff
[Mark:] Are you sure?...
[Stuart:] I should know, I was, I mean ask Mark, you know, how many people are the are, its very naive to think that, that their civilians are in a, in a poor way but their military is as well. It maybe in a poor way compared to what the West get
[Mark:] that's what changed
[Stuart:] but they've got so much... there's eight tanks or something to every fucking one of ours
[Mark:] yeah, so what
[Stuart:] seven combat planes
[Mark:] you've got to you, you none, none
[Stuart:] fucking fifty men
[Mark:] none of their tanks have been tested really
[Stuart:] Afghanistan...
[Mark:] look what the Afghanistan did too them.
[Stuart:] look what the fucking Vietnamese did too the Americans and the Americans went in their heavier numbers and more concentration
[Mark:] yeah, ok
[Stuart:] the than they went into Afghanistan
[Mark:] you, you are trying to determine gorilla war, right, but it doesn't how much technology you've got, because Afghanistan and the Vietnam proved that, but tried, tested and proved
[Stuart:] yeah, the cheaper being phased out
[Mark:] yeah obviously they're being phased out
[Stuart:] challenge for us, the right
[Mark:] yeah
[Stuart:] but on the other hand you've got the T eighty eight the T seventy two which is, that's only like the Correan one but its still got one of the, the erm, the longest range, and the most accurate canons on any tank still, I said the, the Russian military's got some of the best in the world... and that's giving the fact that they haven't... yeah the, the state of their population
[Mark:] yeah exactly
[Stuart:] and I think where they
[Mark:] cos they
[Stuart:] population starts getting that desperate that's the time when we've got to worry
[Mark:] no
[Stuart:] the Russians are just, just mad enough to fucking go for it
[Mark:] no because they'll do what they, they've always done there send their military in and they'll they'll say you aren't having this, you aren't doing that, I mean obviously Gorbachev's... I mean this stage, he'd just send the tanks in by now, he plagued Yugoslavia crushed
[Stuart:] so what happened to all this Yeltsin thing right, has... has it been so much build up, speculation of the West, you say thirty years of build up on our part is being wasted, we've really got nothing to fear of the Russians?
[Mark:] No I don't think we have, but I think they'll probably be a Civil War first
[Stuart:] well yeah now, but you, you were saying this, we, we had this conversation when I'd first got here, before any of this started to happen...
[Mark:] I, I, I don't think that you
[speaker004:] Here you are
[Mark:] we don't really have anything to
[Stuart:] obviously we got to have fears, because there's something to be, they're the largest nation in fucking Europe so everybody's got to fear them, because they co-hearse all the other into being part of their group... and that sort of stuff gotta be
[Mark:] lets face it, if, if Russia had wanted to declare war, to, declared war on us, sort of right ten years after the second World War had finished, and that would of been it, Europe would of been out
[Stuart:] we always did
[Mark:] because they were scared
[Stuart:] just because
[Mark:] they were just as scared of us as we are of them
[Stuart:] nuclear weapons
[Mark:] yeah, exactly, but other its not just that
[Stuart:] if we, if there was no nuclear weapons I reckon we would of, probably would of been at war with Russia now
[Mark:] yeah, that's, that is it, that's what I've said er, got there's one reason, one reason why
[Stuart:] but all these talks, all these talks
[Mark:] I would never of er voted Labour
[Stuart:] yeah, cos its not a union that
[Mark:] it isn't the biggest deterrent in the world backed by.
[Stuart:] But like I said Mark, er... the mil, NATO never used to think that they can hold the Russian's for very long... in, in conventional warfare's
[Mark:] You're telling me that we've got nothing to fear from them?...
[Stuart:] ah?, see, this, this is one of
[Mark:] why has there been such a Star Wars plan? Why has there been such a, a, thing in the fifties and sixties for buying and that sort of stuff?
[Stuart:] you, you, keep can't actually tell until it does happen... until something does happen and then you know how well that each side is prepared.
[Mark:] All I know is that there are better people in, that, are more intelligent people that are better informed about than me or you and they deemed it that we've got something to fear against... and I'm willing to take that.
[Stuart:] Fear against?
[Mark:] Fear against them, I still wouldn't put it past them, I'm not saying they will, I'd be very surprised if they did try to get cos they're cos they're on the sort of er the brink of being excepted by the rest of the world again, you know, but up until a couple of years ago, this thing happened, you know conventional warfare were and they only way we can stop them is by nuclear warfare's
[Stuart:] and you think part of the fear is er Russian causing the fear that communism is now spread three fold around the world.
[Mark:] Yeah you're going on as if, you started off on the fact that you don't think we've got any fear of them cos their kids are running round on the street and now all of sudden you say we have because they've got nuclear weapons you say.
[Stuart:] No, I, I just said do you think after
[Mark:] Oh yeah, yeah
[Stuart:] by the which was because, one of state
[Mark:] yeah I'm saying it does, yeah
[Stuart:] one minute shall forcibly put upon the world
[Mark:] well yeah
[Stuart:] by force
[Mark:] that's why the, the McCarthy witch hunt and stuff, the hippies...
[Stuart:] that there is that fear, that is because that is the second World War... this is why... the erm... the er late thirties, early forties was never gonna succeed, because they had two completely different archaeologist, plus now in their purest form their not that but in the they were, they were never going to work, I mean that is the fact that their communists, the sole reason they've been against each other for a hundred and fifty years... there is no other reason if they were capital capitalist you wouldn't have a problem.
[Mark:] that's why, that's ever since bolshevism first started in nineteen, seventeen
[Stuart:] yeah exactly, but I think er
[Mark:] but then again since, up, up until the mid forties we had nothing to fear from the because they, they didn't have much of an army themselves, they had millions and millions of men but no resources or facilities to build it
[Stuart:] The Germans feared them
[Mark:] yeah because they had, that, that's why
[Stuart:] shear weight of numbers
[Mark:] that's why, that's why during the first World War, Germany made a categor categoric statement that Russia should start disarming, she was mobilising
[Stuart:] yeah but shear weight of numbers like I mean America, America and Britain
[Mark:] Red army
[Stuart:] American and Britain are partly responsible for the way the Russians are now cos we finance most of their industry in the second World War
[Mark:] yeah that's right... but I mean what can you do I mean she was an Russian was a
[Stuart:] , she wants the bear necessity [LAUGHTER].
[speaker004:] ...
[Stuart:] All the reason that we have been against each other is because of economism and we, we
[Mark:] but
[Stuart:] did, did have... and I'll still say the only reason we haven't been at war with them is because of the army, arm
[Mark:] oh yeah
[Stuart:] neutral wise, yeah
[Mark:] I was thinking venturialise as well, I mean we can't, we can't
[Stuart:] we hoped to we couldn't never hoped to match them
[Mark:] during the second World War, one German found three hundred, four hundred Russians took them prisoner
[Stuart:] second World War
[Mark:] yeah, took them prisoner second single handed, I mean
[Stuart:] After the second World War they didn't have a economy in the second World War, now they have
[Mark:] the Russian have fucking one of the most powerful forces, I mean up until the Stalingrad in Moscow, the, the battle of Stalingrad they didn't know if they at all.
[Stuart:] They were wearing cardboard boots that froze in the winter
[Mark:] yeah exactly
[speaker004:] Yeah
[Mark:] but I mean up until Stalingrad that was it, the, the Russian army was nothing, right, but as soon as Stalingrad came in every day
[Stuart:] I can't see what the point is that was more than forty-five years ago
[Mark:] yeah, what I'm trying to say is that, that the Germans,on one German captured about four hundred blokes
[Stuart:] what's that got to do with modern day warfare and stuff?
[Mark:] well, I don't know
[Stuart:] its got nothing to do with it
[Mark:] I know but what all going on is the history, that fact is since the mid-fifties we, we have had dealings cos they've been one of the stronger of the world
[Stuart:] yeah, no, no nobody knows how, how they, how they do things, they've never opened up their army to us... but
[Mark:] I, I don't know how they get there but they know how our army works, we know how their army works, we cannot hide manoeuvre's and every army in the world knows the manoeuvre's I've been on one big NATO manoeuvre out in Germany right, and you're saying to me they don't know how I, how each army works
[Stuart:] no I'm saying that
[Mark:] why why do military on our side say that we'll gonna get fucked in conventional war?, we would hold them, we would hold them
[Stuart:] shear weight of numbers
[Mark:] for a year or two years
[Stuart:] shear weight of numbers
[Mark:] yeah
[Stuart:] that's all, nothing else
[Mark:] yeah, matter why we've got anything to do if it was one on one, we wouldn't have anything to do, but it is the fact that they have got good technology, good materials and they are that much more than us, their troops aren't as well trained as ours
[Stuart:] yes, yes that's, that's one of the class of
[Mark:] their, their supply routes aren't as well defined as ours, but they've got shear weight of numbers, see, I'm af, I'm afraid, I could be a fucking karate black belt or something right, so one on one against you I wouldn't have a problem, but if you went and got fucking thirty of your mates I would have a problem, I maybe able to hold you off for a fucking few minutes or something or if you could either contact, maybe a few months or years or something, but they will win
[Stuart:] yeah
[Mark:] and this is why military strategies have always said we were gonna get we could hold them for a year, two years maybe three, but in the preventional warfare we would start loosing and military strategy have always said along that it would probably be somebody like France or us that would first use the nuclear weapon...
[Stuart:] Me you fat fart, well he's a fat fucker
[speaker004:] Fuck off
[Mark:] This is really
[Stuart:] What'd you mean? You ain't still recording it are you?
[Mark:] No, its. Th the doctors over there need a lot to be desired, I mean that... what's, what's his name the eldest son of er Jim and, Jim's next door neighbours, what's their, their names?
[speaker004:] Who?
[Stuart:] The one who cut his hand
[Mark:] Cody's brother
[speaker004:] Adam
[Mark:] yeah, I mean he's supposed to be a surgeon or a doctor ain't he?
[speaker004:] No trainee ain't he? No trainee ain't he?
[Mark:] Cor fucking hell.
[speaker004:] specialise yet has he?...
[Mark:] Woe betide anybody who becomes ill in Australia that's all I can say... I mean the thing is why is Neighbours put on twice a day cos I don't believe in...
[speaker004:] Wasn't Bobby Davro good last night on the Wogan show, that's, that's why they put Neighbours on twice a day because they can't believe [LAUGHTER]...
[Mark:] think so.
[speaker004:] Twenty million viewers can't be wrong twenty million as well
[Mark:] I never forget Benny Hill once got talking about Sun readers, there was this girl and she, she was stood on this podium and she, she's talking to The Express and The Guardian and going like that and their taking photographs of her and then you sort of pan round, the camera pans round and you've got The Star and the Sun [LAUGHTER] going like that [] fucking its really funny, The Sun and The Star in it [LAUGHTER]...
[Stuart:] Bit down for somebody's mate who was four hundred and nine, was it four hundred and twenty seven million out the pension or something,
[Mark:] What's that?
[Stuart:] the Maxwell group, Maxwell group
[speaker004:] What the old Maxwell group, yeah its good ain't it ah?
[Stuart:] what they reckon ah, is it
[speaker004:] five hundred million
[Stuart:] five hundred million or something, four hundred and thirty of that or something was out of his pension or weren't it?
[speaker004:] Yeah
[Stuart:] ... that's a lot of
[speaker004:] yeah reckon all his shortly before his death.
[Mark:] Might as well carry on recording,
[Stuart:] Ah?
[Mark:] just stop it Paul
[speaker004:] what?...
[Stuart:] How's it go again?
[Mark:] . But there again its the same as Murdoch in it?
[Stuart:] That's what I'm saying how did he knew that
[Mark:] He's got too many fingers in too many pies... ok one groups making, one groups making a million pound a day, where another groups loosing a million pound a day or loosing two million pound a day, if you've got too many fingers in too many pies
[speaker004:] soon adds up
[Mark:] yeah
[speaker004:] ...
[Mark:] if you think about it, he was, he was the only rival to, to sort of Rupert Murdoch... I mean they've got a yeah that's it, your talking what, six million pound for a player or player now, its a, yeah... its like some of the, the teams... what's it, where's video?, Oxford
[speaker004:] Derby, Watford...
[Mark:] and he was after
[speaker004:] ...
[Stuart:] Something very dodgy going on at Maxwell group...
[Mark:] They say it takes
[speaker004:] football league
[Mark:] Yeah, to, to run a football club say
[speaker004:] I wouldn't mind
[Mark:] say about a hundred million pound a year... would you say that?
[speaker004:] Ah?
[Mark:] to run a football club about a hundred million a year?
[speaker004:] about fifty million a year... its a hell of a lot.
[Mark:] Yes especially the mega bucks they pay these footballers, four or five...
[speaker004:] Who's the most expensive player?
[Mark:] John Barnes... probably Real Madrid or Juventus or something...
[speaker004:] Sampdoria
[Mark:] Sampdoria..., why'd you think the ain't doing so well?
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] .
[Mark:] Its like me old man was saying well old fucking Jim Davidson came in and said er... er Bernard Manning is by far the best stand up comedian in this country
[speaker004:] Who
[Mark:] and he always will be, Jim Davidson said, said about Bernard Manning, he painfully said er, er Bernard Manning is, is, the best stand up comic in this country and probably always will be and he turned to Jim Davidson, big headed bastard, and he goes no
[speaker004:] cheeky...
[Mark:] yeah he goes I know I am
[Stuart:] Jokingly or
[Mark:] no serious, he goes none of you bastards can touch me, fucking hell...
[Stuart:] this was with a pair of glasses he took off, he didn't do a very good Michael Caine, he did er Jimmy Greaves and er Dennis Nordon, Gazza really fucking well you know, he did a brilliant Robin Williams...
[Mark:] So how comes Mr Caine
[Stuart:] yeah
[Mark:] Is it?
[Stuart:] its number one...
[Mark:] I wanna see that
[Stuart:] yeah so do I
[Mark:] Jeff Bridges
[Stuart:] I might just go and see that on Saturday...
[speaker004:] I...
[Mark:] Ah? Robin Williams
[Stuart:] He's one of a small
[Mark:] Ah?
[Stuart:] I said he's one of a small
[speaker004:] Yeah I ...
[Mark:] I think he is fucking brilliant
[Stuart:] who?
[Mark:] Yeah, yeah it all comes down to personal taste
[Stuart:] yeah... who do you like then? Steve Martin, er
[Mark:] yeah
[Stuart:] John Don't like
[Mark:] No. No ...
[speaker004:] What time we knocking off?
[Stuart:] What time is it please?
[speaker004:] ...
[Stuart:] Janet is my favourite, Jasper Carrot...
[Mark:] along-side Chubby Checker
[Stuart:] She does
[Mark:] bollocks
[Stuart:] as far as I'm concerned yeah Who?
[Mark:] Jasper Carrot
[speaker004:] I quite like him.
[Mark:] yeah I like him as well, but he's not exactly a or Dan Ackroyd
[Stuart:] Just cos he's not a, he's not a big star in the States
[Mark:] a bit fussy and Ben Elton
[Stuart:] not not any, not any good anywhere else
[Mark:] No I just said I like him as well but
[Stuart:] I know, but he's not
[Mark:] he's not a fucking big, he's only big in this country
[Stuart:] No he's big in Australia, New Zealand
[Mark:] what he's got big any, any of those I was just saying
[Stuart:] I bet you
[Mark:] , but I was saying any way I like er, I can't do it any more he got out this little diary he's got and he was going he's got another one who does they hear his screams sort of thing put its in
[Stuart:] yeah
[Mark:] puts the letter to his sock, fucking whirls it round and stuff fucking hilarious
[Stuart:] yeah
[Mark:] they way, way he I mean he's took a bite out of it or something
[Stuart:] he had this tea in his hot water bottle and he
[Mark:] that's it
[Stuart:] like that
[Mark:] oh that's right
[Stuart:] he's taken a bite and he's fucking spurting water all over the
[Mark:] that's
[Stuart:] him with his million and fucking
[Mark:] I, I, the only ones I've seen is why
[Stuart:] yeah, that, that bloke his got his fucking, there's this bloke he's got his sun glasses on and he thinks his er sun bathing, so he got this fucking what's it, his trousers on still and he's trying to get his trunks on and his trousers on still cos this blokes there, he's fucking going from all this and that
[Mark:] yeah, right
[Stuart:] he manages to get them on and he takes off his trousers, and fucking blind folded him, he gets up and trunks through his trousers and that's why I
[Mark:] Its the attitude cracks me up, oh, every thing he's ever done makes me laugh
[Stuart:] yeah
[Mark:] the only one I don't like is that bloody oh erm, what's the other one, deep sea water, something lately for kids, his got his own kiddies programme, Maid Marian, take the piss out of
[speaker004:] Oh that is Tony Robinson
[Mark:] are you sure?
[speaker004:] Black the Forgery.
[Mark:] I, know he was in Black Adder
[speaker004:] Yeah its Bawdry, its not Rowan Atkinson
[Mark:] He's done lots of kiddies things, he's had an and all sorts in there, but I mean are fucking funny,
[Stuart:] I don't think, I don't think Griff Rhys Jones and Mel Smith are that funny
[Mark:] No, Hale & Pace are
[speaker004:] Oh I do, I like Hale & Pace
[Stuart:] Hale & Pace are... sometimes they make me piss myself and sometimes I think that was, sometimes they're
[Mark:] nine times out of ten I fucking love a I like erm they're better than the other fucking superb, I think some of
[Stuart:] Its alright for some but
[Mark:] I think yeah I was gonna say its a bit, if your a real Steve Martin fan and he's done, everybody's but if your not much of a Steve Martin's fan then
[Stuart:] Yeah
[Mark:] but him and Robin Williams
[Stuart:] The Jerk is probably his best, his best film ever,
[Mark:] I thought that
[speaker004:] What?
[Stuart:] The Jerk
[Mark:] and Roxanne
[Stuart:] yeah, yeah and Roxanne
[Mark:] I didn't think The Jerk was deliberately funny but it was, it was
[Stuart:] I thought it was fucking hilarious
[Mark:] a superb film
[Stuart:] just the, just the whole idea, the whole concept of it, I'm just
[Mark:] but it cracked, cracked me up is these fucking songs that make you take and he keeps hiding behind the oil can
[Stuart:] yeah
[Mark:] he thinks his shooting the oil can, and he keeps diving behind these oil cans and takes cover and that, he said oh no not an oil can and fucking little bullets, bullet I was born a poor black boy down in Mississippi, out in Alabama and he's like a jet white ain't he? and he says I always felt different cos all the other kids they just sit there and they'd be tapping their feet and then you go onto the oh and they're getting the old rhythm going, like they do and he'd be going like I all so different I couldn't quite do this and he used to get in look, and er
[Stuart:] and he goes er, he goes
[Mark:] ma ma
[Stuart:] and he goes off the big city ma ma, like this and he's got a fucking flying helmet and a flying bucket
[Mark:] yeah
[Stuart:] and he's sitting outside and he goes, he's mum goes well he's been out there two weeks and he's still stood there in the same spot and he's going like that
[Mark:] yeah and he said oh and well I sure was lucky cos here comes a lift and he gets in, he goes right, he's taken his prize jogs about fifteen yards and says bye thanks for the lift and he stood about fifteen yards further on from the street, there's bits in it that is fucking funny, he's made it rich and all this and he's happy bloke, he get's his girl friend
[Stuart:] oh
[Mark:] in the shit, his fucking gone clang, this blokes got his fucking nuts and the next thing he sees is a big fucking plaster balls alone and he's, he's got up his wife, he's having a right old night with here and he's leaving, and he says I don't need you, I didn't need
[speaker004:] Way of the World.
[Mark:] its T V remote control though
[Stuart:] he said I don't need you, I just need this fucking remote control this desk lamp he's got his trousers round his ankles you know, he just cracks me up,
[Mark:] black parents.
[Stuart:] yeah he goes, I'm gonna offer to him his gonna
[Mark:] find him more work
[Stuart:] get me, find me more work he goes cos next week he's gonna give me a blow job if I'm lucky
[Mark:] and none, none of the others, they've had this one sort of older black guy and his fucking pissing themselves and all the others going why that sure is nice of that little girlie,
[Stuart:] cos she's a real fucking ain't she
[Mark:] she ended up
[Stuart:] she goes to him can you do this like, this
[Mark:] and he goes
[Stuart:] well he goes
[Mark:] well I don't know I think she
[Stuart:] well good of her
[Mark:] good enough
[Stuart:] he ends up as a tramp and he gets to ah son get in and you know he fucking hanging out the back of the window we had, we had enough money to move to a bigger house right, and they got this little
[Mark:] ah fucking hell yeah that's
[Stuart:] I, I said all they've done is literally scaled it up to like instead of a door being that size its now like that right and the front porch instead of being that low now that high up double it, its a bigger home
[Mark:] its hilarious
[Stuart:] we've moved to a bigger home, fucking scaled it up
[Mark:] and he, did he fight, does he fight, I mean he here's some he here's a Pat Boone record or something and all of a sudden he started dancing to all this and the old black bloke comes in and says oh my life, he couldn't get any of the old blokes.
[Stuart:] it is a funny film, you seen Roxanne where he plays a fucking funny, he has to think of twenty pornographic, the only women who can satisfy two by two women at once its got here, nature loving, too much, really love little bee, give a mat to sit on and stuff like that, your gonna fucking break that in a minute, time have you Mark?
[Mark:] Twenty past
[speaker004:] Think
[Stuart:] Yeah, yeah, have you seen Filofax?
[Mark:] No
[Stuart:] New one out, that's really funny
[Mark:] woman in it
[Stuart:] the woman in these is by the farer one of the horniest bitches for me anyway that I've, I mean she may not be everybody's cup of tea, she's well slim ain't she
[Mark:] yeah
[Stuart:] but the, seen her in Real Men Face Me?
[Mark:] yeah, John Ritter
[Stuart:] What's it called?
[Mark:] Real Men with John Ritter its, its really wacky, like he's this fucking secret agent stuff, I never smoke unless its after six and he just, he's this John Ritter and his got this really mild of character but he's been mistaken for an, an agent and he's, he's, he's going
[Stuart:] he's over there so do something so he's, he's going fucking he's gone, why have you got a gun, he said we'll think of something so he's gone... over his hand
[Mark:] all these fucking people have diving they can see he has a real gun [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] and as he's done that the mates behind him have shot him with a real gun, his gone, his gone
[Mark:] and he fucking thinks he's so he's going around [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] and this other mates got it as well and these two mates have shot, he's gone...
[Mark:] Wow, [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] and all of a sudden he keeps going I'll cover you...
[Mark:] God eh it really is funny
[Stuart:] the best was on that fucking baseball and that
[Mark:] yeah, yeah its you'll have to, you'll have to see it, Real Men, James and John Ritter, its good. I just sat through the whole and pissed myself, I like the clown squad
[Stuart:] yeah [LAUGHTER]
[Mark:] oh no its the dreaded clown squad, what C I A agent's dressed up as clowns they're deadly and all you see is this fucking
[Stuart:] he, he, he, he said hard, right, so he can fucking, he said I'll, I'll take these and the first man that comes up fucking bashes it and then James er John James gets them all and when he wakes up, just as he's about to wake up John James thinks right and he fucking lays down on the ground and he wakes up and sees all these clowns all over the place
[speaker004:] he thinks he's done it
[Stuart:] right, and he, he fucking he gets, he saying to his what, what happened, you've got all these clown squads? Well, yeah I guess I did, you got all of them? Even Bimbo? Well yeah I guess I did he gets confidence and he walks up with this he's getting cockier by the minute and he's well proud and he's got he sees this, his in this bar trying to chat up this woman, he says I need a, I need a didn't he say I need a smoke or something, so he looks for a woman
[Mark:] something like that, oh its fucking
[Stuart:] and he sees this really pretty woman, but, like he's got glasses on and he's got big I don't really know
[Mark:] all sweet and innocent like
[Stuart:] you know, oh come on we'll have fun, a bit of a I don't really know, like this and he fucking, he gets let in this house and er
[Mark:] fucking
[Stuart:] he says just wait a minute I'll just get everything ready so just come in when your ready so they walks in
[speaker004:] Have you got yeah
[Mark:] no
[Stuart:] he walks in and there's this fucking big like contraption thing there like, you know, and she's standing there
[speaker004:] get us a thingy
[Stuart:] stiletto heels, fucking whips and stuff, she says right get in, what, and he's fucking on this thing and he's going round and round and round he says I think I maybe in love [LAUGHTER], you know, he fucking come out and he's looking really awful and meanwhile this James Ritter character he was suppose to, he's stopped the robbery and sent the police and their all going wow what a guy, fucking great stuff, that is a funny film and er
[speaker004:] The Real Man Real Man
[Stuart:] who was that Mr Death is alright, its not brilliant but its alright film as well
[speaker004:] Spread Heap
[Mark:] Spread Heap, yeah unfortunately yeah,
[speaker004:] where he drops that fucking cup of coffee
[Stuart:] I love I think
[Mark:] Wow look at that Let's get this straight, the woman's mine ok Turner and Hooch was funny
[speaker004:] Oh the ending was funny
[Stuart:] that's probably the best film that's ever been, there's been shit
[Mark:] Oh I don't know I really like
[speaker004:] Mr Big er sorry
[Mark:] Jumping on that big piano on the floor
[speaker004:] I thought that was quite funny actually
[Mark:] I thought that was hilarious. It took me a long while though to realise that was Meg Ryan at the beginning.
[speaker004:] Yes, right
[Mark:] The thing is I knew there was Meg Ryan in the film and I thought I've seen that actor cos I'm, I'm always on about knowing faces and names and stuff
[speaker004:] Maybe I should
[Mark:] but she's, she's going er Really dowdy, quite pretty but really dowdy and at the next one you see she's erm this real baddie got bite my boots and real trendy sort of bimbo type character ain't she?
[speaker004:] Yeah
[Mark:] long, long straight er, and I thought well now she looks familiar as well, I still haven't twigged that its the same Meg Ryan riding her bike and then Meg Ryan comes up and its really funny.
[Stuart:] Beg forgiveness and say please get off my... like that... don't you normally go in the garage and do it
[speaker004:] yeah,
[Stuart:] why can't you change it in the garage?
[speaker004:] Some garages say, say no.
[Stuart:] Well then I can't believe that any garage would, would refuse to give you a ten piece for their own machine.
[speaker004:] I'll ask for, I'll ask for ten pence
[Stuart:] Fucking go somewhere else then... now you know where not to go don't you?
[speaker004:] [LAUGHTER] ...
[Stuart:] Nobody has...
[speaker004:] Eh?
[Stuart:] Saying, quite easy to go into a garage then... So what's fucking new?
[speaker004:] Ah? You heard no I didn't, can you repeat that?
[Stuart:] so what's fucking new?
[speaker004:] cheek... .
[Mark:] Rocking and rolling...
[Stuart:] Fucking
[Mark:] No, just said, well I don't know she might be, she might turn up and then say...
[Stuart:] half past seven
[Mark:] the time... got up
[Stuart:] half past seven... [belch] pardon me. Did you see anything about, did you see that bloody
[Mark:] No... What's that about?
[Stuart:] about the events up too and leading after the events of Bloody Sunday, nineteen seventy-two
[Mark:] No, sorry... never had anything to do with he was trying to er...
[Stuart:] He got, got question and that in that events
[Mark:] like so they did in
[Stuart:] said they just fired rubber bullets high into the ground fucking rules, live ammunition
[Mark:] they were rubber bullets being fired as well but all the ones that died were
[Stuart:] no it wasn't rubber bullets, was it, it was that, that
[Mark:] real live ammunition live ammunition
[Stuart:] yeah, they didn't have rubber bullets then did they, they had the old
[Mark:] Yeah... basically
[Stuart:] between the fucking suppose to be aren't they? basically that, the erm the trains that were right, erm
[Mark:] I thought they'd taken it
[Stuart:] yeah but they take it, they, they got documentary haven't be able to get anybody died being shot they got people being brought back wounded and stuff, but erm, basically the there were I R A gunmen there erm... at least three was spotted, say in a crowd that size how many more went unspotted
[Mark:] yeah
[Stuart:] right, its almost definite British come under fire but it does seem that the para's did kill erm out of, out of the thirteen, only one had any I R A links, he was a member of the, the I R A erm, and out of the remaining twelve only three of them might of fired a gun, you know, they leg or the hands, by the side, by the gun
[Mark:] yeah
[Stuart:] and er, but apparently they did a, they did a test and that was also a package where the stuff like that, transfer although those three may of been carrying weapons, they split open the policeman, but this does seem to basically at, well not no, not indiscriminately they didn't say that but they shot innocent people, I mean like I said well the I mean that's got to kill in those streets and stuff the ricochet's can go quite easily go through somebody but there, there was, there's always been claims er, there's no I R A gunmen there
[Mark:] yeah
[Stuart:] apart from one Reverend the most Reverend Doyle or something and he saw one gunmen and he saw him fire a couple of shots and they told him to piss off out of sort of thing
[Mark:] yeah
[Stuart:] so I mean if, if they caught one, they actually took a photo, managed to take a photo out of all those hundreds of people, look how many more were, were there, and it just seems like basically their not sure who fired first, obviously the Irish say it was the British them and the British say they were fired upon first and erm, on, on the strength of it, who, who would you rather believe I mean, somebody that's been living in Ireland for twenty odd yea twenty years now with all that happening around him being able to be got at by the I R A or a British body who may, may be up on a murder trial, you know, the, at the end of the day its six of one and half a dozen of the other, they've both got stuffed by a bleeding troop
[Mark:] yeah
[Stuart:] so it really does think that all I
[speaker004:] murder trial
[Stuart:] No they were, that's what they were weren't it when it all happened, the old Revered somebody or other, they wilful murder but erm... yeah basically it doesn't seem like, there was no real evidence as to who erm fired first and there was no conclusion that the about that, but they were certainly I R A gunmen, para's, its like without a doubt if you know some people, but like with those high powered weapons they may, alright its unfortunately that somebody may have got shot, but it may not of been the main shot, that may, may of been a ricochet or, or anything like that, both their they've got a killing range of up to three mile... so one mate come round, he says he's gonna come round again tomorrow and have a look at it well if they ring up tomorrow, erm one bloke says he might ring up tomorrow, one said she'll, she'll come round at the weekend and another bloke said
[Mark:] said it's a Dolomite
[Stuart:] Dolomite, its in the paper, its in the paper for five-fifty, but I told that lady last night is it, what, what is, what's, what's your minimum offer, I said well I want four hundred for it I'm not going to take any less... so I was, I was sort of and but erm, I think I down by his legs, all this and erm, you know, its bang, bang its just like, its over in a split second, you don't have time to be this, I was there and there nobody really new what was going on and all this sort of stuff, he was probably one of most honest about, well, one of the most honest little bloke more willing to speak about it, and he had this other one it was right you know like, er, well I'm already taking further than I'm willing to go on this course, what you need is, well look, you know, all I know is that we was first, saying no more than that, not willing to go. The only thing, the only thing that all of us said categorically is they were fired upon first, but the trouble is they've had fucking twenty years to, to think up their side and so there's that so
[Mark:] haven't they?
[Stuart:] so have the Irish.
[speaker004:] How many they reckon fucking
[Mark:] How many reckon shot them?
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Mark:] I don't know, well, because I mean that any one of them could of said oh well we were being fired upon first and then they could of er, their colleagues fucking going on
[Stuart:] Yeah, but the other thing was, it wasn't that, towards the end of the programme, they weren't so much who fired first, its, erm, there is, there is no evidence either way to support either story, the Irish say there was no Government, there was nobody running for Government you know, said that they had three
[Mark:] If you can manage to get one photo of a gunmen in all that crowd, how many more were there they didn't get a photo of you know, erm, so that's bull shit for a start... the said that they only fired upon identified targets, going on motorbikes, and erm, I mean the thing is, the para's are a highly disciplined, highly trained apparently at a you weren't even allowed to go out there without at least five years experience yeah, they were soldiers, they need and I can't believe that they negligibly you know, cos there was women and children there, and nearly all of them had wives and kids, you know, and there was reports from like the Irish saying oh yeah, they were mixing body er, care and body people and fucking laughing and joking over dead bodies and my old man said yeah if you just, if you just seen something drop most people will laugh and joke about it, you know I don't know if you've ever meet this sort of, old man, but the service sort of a, a unique sense of they can laugh at anything, you know they can see somebody with its guts put out in front of them and they'll fucking crack out about it, its the only way they can stop themselves cracking up, or fucking crying sort of thing. And there was this, there was this no conclusive evidence, the only, the only thing that was that, that these and make the said there was only one man definite I R A and the other may or may not of been like I said just the fact I'm shaking your hand, weapon he goes and does a frenzy test but the evidence on those three were, wasn't very, wasn't very conclusive and it
[Stuart:] So it doesn't, still doesn't rule them out
[Mark:] still doesn't fit and that's the thing... yeah I mean all this morning was saying you haven't seen under fire, they don't stop and look around if they get down into cover he said how they suppose to know who's firing or not?, you know. And he, he said but we only
[Stuart:] You don't fucking
[Mark:] we had a couple of men fire over the one of them said, you know, he said how, how the hell... how the hell can they say which directions the fire's coming from?... but they, I mean some of them were saying like this mate he run out, he was going across this patch of open space and the soldier obviously saw a soldier and as he did that apparently he got shot through there and out the other side of him. So the thing is, if he, inconsistent in that story, if he's doing that, that direction how did he get shot from that way, where he's own telling stories apparently coming from?
[Stuart:] Yeah
[Mark:] You know that's all right he may, might, alright there may of been a soldier there, but they've just come from that direction
[Stuart:] yeah
[Mark:] and then he's, he's going out and they're coming like that direction and he's looked round and he's seen the soldier, doing it, he's gone and this is how I did it and then he put his, like this and he stuck his hands up and as his done that he's got shot through the body from the side, what's
[Stuart:] he still alive?
[Mark:] no, he blew his chest out. You don't get and fucking live, not many do any way.
[speaker004:] How did he know it was an S L R?
[Mark:] Ah?
[speaker004:] How did he know it was an S L R?
[Mark:] Well that's it, if, if it was a British soldier it was a S L R
[speaker004:] Yeah, yeah, that's what I mean, I mean he could of been fucking I R A
[Mark:] Exactly, the things they could of, stop inside people unless its, so you can never tell.
[speaker004:] Any one got any Harry
[Mark:] But yeah, I mean, there was so... so many inconsistencies on, on the Irish witness side, you know, like what, what matey said I was, I was running out and all of a sudden I felt a pain from here... on those fuck it, he's up there, got big forearms, and big sort of muscle that size, that's really wasted this side even after twenty years, it must of about and apparently one matey got shot in the back running away, oh no five out of the thirteen got shot in the back, which again doesn't fucking mean any thing, you know that's, but I said if there's I R A supporters there and that, you telling me you seen where your comrades have fucking get shot, you're not, you're not gonna try and pick up his weapon and stuff... I mean like, it was just a perfect opportunity to, to get one over on the British Forces and I, I said I don't think yet the para's were entirely blameless, but then again I don't think they ever have been [LAUGHTER] in any of their fucking []
[Stuart:] No
[Mark:] they're not angels, they're a hard regiment, but they're also highly disciplined and highly trained, I've got, I, I, the other thing I couldn't see what good, I mean is it, is it the, I mean its not, its not the anniversaries or any thing so I don't know why they brought the out, cos I can't see what interviewing people twenty years after the thing happen can do.
[Stuart:] Not, probably not.
[Mark:] Well, well interesting programme, I'll give them that though.
[Stuart:] Not a
[Mark:] Yeah, but my old man he's a, he's driving he was driving the one of the that's, that erm, Lieutenant Colonel was in at the time of the, and he, he was in there... and he said my old man knows for certain that at that time they were under fire, cos they drove in and picked up two bodies and put them in the back of the jeep all under fire
[Stuart:] Yeah...
[Mark:] they know for a fact that there were gunmen there, as to who shoot, shot first that's held in tribunal, he, could, he, he'd never know
[Stuart:] Who's that, your old man?
[Mark:] yeah... nearly ever soldier that was there got Lord Rigdely or somebody, you know yeah and er, the, the programme condemned him a bit, basically he... he didn't, there was, there was, he didn't seemed to take in a lo, a whole lot evidence from either side, you know, he did, he did, he didn't seemed to handle the case very well, it was sort of more like it just get it over with quickly and forget it sort of thing.
[Stuart:] Sounds like
[Mark:] I don't know though I mean he, he's, he's allowed that, he allowed that the fact that they could of been unarmed men and all that but he also condemned three of them on the evidence of this lead which he really shouldn't of done, he should of left an open verdict on those few cos lead could be transferred to.
[Stuart:] I mean lead can be picked up at what put your hand on the exhaust.
[Mark:] Oh well lead so er, apparently if, if you could get in fine detail enough we'd have lead on ourselves, this is why the, this carbon dioxide stuff from the erm
[Stuart:] Fucking have that on the inside of the
[Mark:] They have this, they have this MP there from the S D L P from nineteen sixty-nine to seventy-two and he's a, a pacifist, he went to the, apparently he went to and spoke to the leader of the provisional I R A
[speaker004:] no
[Stuart:] I don't know who it
[Mark:] I don't know who it and apparently he asked him that, are, are any of your men gonna be there and if there are he said, I'm, I'm gonna pull out and use all my influence to stop the march and the I R A police said no there would not be any gunmen there... so I thought yeah, fucking right, oh yeah that's easy to say, and then if like the reporter said and, and you believe him and you have the feeble excuse towards a small community he said, you know what's going on...
[Stuart:] fuck off
[Mark:] exactly, I mean this, this is, this is the I R A, they're not part of any fucking small community they are the fucking community unto themselves and that's is that, that was he's answ erm, that was he's answer to the question of do, do you believe him or something, you know, well all in all it was quite interesting
[Stuart:] Oh it might
[Mark:] How're you getting home? Naked you?
[speaker004:] Up at half past seven, fucking
[Mark:] Set the alarm for half past six, gets another half hour in bed and he's moaning about it.
[Stuart:] An hour in bed, ...
[Mark:] ...
[speaker004:] [yawn], so
[Mark:] Fuck off
[speaker004:] [LAUGHTER]
[Mark:] Did you see that, that last night?
[speaker004:] Erm... its not the sort of thing I like to watch.
[Mark:] I, I wasn't watching while at the time, but erm basically it seemed like it was six of one and half a dozen of the other.
[speaker004:] Don't no nothing about it.
[Mark:] Thirteen, thirteen supposedly are innocent Irish got killed by para's by militaries included in the crowd, and all the other's, the Irish say that basically there were no I R A gunmen there which is according to there's proof that they have, they were, erm and like that, the para. It's all a load of bull shit basically, it seems, it seems that the para's were certainly under fire, with nobody knows and erm, it does, the only thing that is blatantly clear, all these lying transferred by the para's and they were like dragging them away and stuff and the only, there's only one member that's had any thing to do with the I R A that they can find out about, that's one so at least nine weren't firing definitely, erm, three may of done or may not of done... so it looks like the only thing that basic the same is looks like at least nine were innocent, you know its all right for
[speaker004:] No smoke without fire thought
[Mark:] yeah, makes you I can't see what's good its doing twenty years afterwards, the people had time to think about it and use their memories for twenty years, nineteen seventy-two it happened and they've just sort of done it.
[speaker004:] Yeah but tell you the truth will never come out about that though.
[Mark:] No, but the, the only good, heard of it is erm he said and basically any of the para's aren't
[speaker004:] Might know. They know who they all are.
[Mark:] Yeah they reckon they've got files on it, sort of eighty, ninety per cent of who the provisional I R A and I R A are.
[speaker004:] Yeah. One of these will do? Yes please, yes please, soon as, soon as
[Mark:] Fucking
[speaker004:] they think they're all in the beds,.
[Mark:] Stu done half fucking rabbit on don't he?...
[speaker004:] On and on and on and
[Mark:] Oh have I upset Phil in some way?
[speaker004:] Why?
[Mark:] dunno, seems to have got the hump
[speaker004:] Phil?
[Mark:] Yeah, said good morning Phil, totally fucking ignored me.
[Stuart:] Are you still sort of staying at the same or
[Mark:] Dunno, that wife of fucking me up.
[Stuart:] Ah?
[Mark:] That wife of me up... I had a my girl yesterday
[Stuart:] Oh.
[Mark:] Oh shit.
[speaker004:] What?...
[Mark:] Knocked something behind by the looks of it
[speaker004:] Ah?
[Mark:] Knocked something behind his bench by the looks of it, dropped fucking go and wash it... go
[speaker004:] But its got...
[Stuart:] Fell out the bag... yeah boring night down at the
[Mark:] Ah?
[Stuart:] Boring evening in
[Mark:] Oh yeah.
[Stuart:] probably end up watching video's and this evening.
[Mark:] Oh, this evening coming must be eaten anything dinner time, I've got to go to the bank......
[speaker004:] Here Stu
[Stuart:] drink
[Mark:] How is he? Was he really scared?... I hate it when that happens
[Stuart:] Eh?
[Mark:] hate it when that happens,... did your buy or what?
[Stuart:] Its three a week, sometimes I don't, depends what date he goes, its up on
[Mark:] Cos I see him know with this big pallets of that stuff all over the place and
[speaker004:] I must admit I was fascinated when I was standing when they
[Mark:] Yeah
[speaker004:] looking at other people's who was that box for?
[Mark:] There's only two
[speaker004:] [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] trolley load on
[Mark:] Well mum's shopping bill don't come to. Oh, that's a nice plant, is it a coniferous Colin?
[Graham:] Is it a coniferous one Colin?
[speaker004:] Yeah its a little conifer we found in er
[Stuart:] Did you get a good fair offer or what?
[Mark:] Its alright,...
[speaker004:] Do you want some imported stuff, its [LAUGHTER]. I have that what do they usually look like, they got little, like leaves, tiny leaves under the a bit like a pine I suppose, you know, larger... but they're they're sort of like a lit, small little leaf along the outside...
[Mark:] ...
[speaker004:] [singing] easy come, easy go []...
[Mark:] Your mum and dad know your smoking? Haven't they said anything?, obviously not.
[speaker004:] At first they
[Mark:] Eh?
[speaker004:] At first
[Mark:] What'd they say? no
[speaker004:] What a surprise
[Stuart:] You did what?
[Mark:] What a surprise. Have you got those photo's back off her?
[Stuart:] Ah?
[Mark:] Have you got those photo's back off her?
[Stuart:] No, get them developed, later I suppose.
[speaker004:] Fucking
[Mark:] Why don't you get hold of that one? Fucking get hold of it
[Stuart:] I don't know where it is...
[Mark:] out of her.
[Stuart:] I, I respect her privacy
[Mark:] You lying toad [LAUGHTER].
[Stuart:] I do...
[Mark:] You respect her privacy only when she's in front of you, when she's out the room its a quick glide full through all the drawers [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] I once nearly read her diary and I thought no I'd better not...
[Mark:] Actually I would, cos if you end up murdering her [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] Yeah
[Mark:] she might have some nasty things to say about it.
[Stuart:] Na, course she hasn't
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] she loves me... Its one of these quite big ones with a little catch on the outside you know, a little,
[Mark:] And you couldn't, you couldn't pry it open, could you? [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] and it was er open on her bed, she popped out for, for about, I dunno forty odd minutes to get her hair done or something... I was well tempted to have a look, but I thought no if I get a diary and somebody looked, looked through mine I wouldn't be happy about it, so I didn't... its quite a hard temptation but
[Mark:] It is
[Stuart:] quite hard not doing it.
[Mark:] I bet she asked when he got back
[Stuart:] No
[Mark:] when she got back... you have a look in my diary she said... you go bright red and say no [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] What diary?
[Mark:] Yeah
[Stuart:] Well I keep a diary now
[Mark:] I didn't know you kept counting...
[speaker004:] And I years... its quite lovely looking back...
[Mark:] Its about all in it
[speaker004:] What?
[Mark:] have a kip at lunch time, did some work, came home and got smashed... Went down about all
[speaker004:] See you later Mark
[Stuart:] oh see you later mate
[speaker004:] see you later, yeah, good luck to you
[Stuart:] where, where you off to?
[Mark:] ta la mate
[Stuart:] where you off to?
[speaker004:] Gonna
[Stuart:] Yeah
[Mark:] yeah
[Stuart:] Oh, just in time for nineteen ninety-two
[Mark:] Oh yeah
[Stuart:] [LAUGHTER], yeah good luck, good luck, see you later
[speaker004:] see you later Mark, alright
[Mark:] Be fucked out by the time I
[speaker004:] Get in there
[Mark:] ...
[Stuart:] Be a funny old day won't it?...
[speaker004:] See you later Mark, good luck.
[Mark:] See you...
[speaker004:] Reckon that's three out of fifteen.
[Stuart:] What you...
[speaker004:] quite happy as well ain't he?
[Stuart:] Is he, where's, where's he going to?
[speaker004:] Hamburg.
[Stuart:] Hamburg.
[speaker004:] Yeah... yeah I mean
[Stuart:] Did he say where?
[speaker004:] ...
[Stuart:] Does he, does he know which firm he's going to,
[speaker004:] Airbus
[Stuart:] Where?
[speaker004:] Airbus... about nine quid an hour
[Stuart:] sorry?
[speaker004:] Airbus
[Stuart:] Airbus, oh... done well Mark
[speaker004:] Nine quid an hour.
[Stuart:] I've got his telephone number at home, I might phone him up
[speaker004:] Yeah, I might
[Stuart:] the trouble is if their looking for people to start Sunday, I can't start Sunday.
[speaker004:] I know, I can't start Sunday.
[Stuart:] Got to give them a week's notice...
[speaker004:] Its not worth it for you is it, you might have to hang on till after Christmas and try and
[Stuart:] I might phone them up and just, ask them if there's any jobs going after Christmas sort of thing...
[speaker004:] Can use the good the things, I mean, for a, for us who haven't got permanent jobs yet not working.
[Stuart:] That's right, its a job... Has he got the flight out there and everything, they pay for it?
[speaker004:] They do, yeah.
[Stuart:] Is he going on Sunday?
[speaker004:] Yeah...
[Stuart:] I'd love that, I'd love to pick up
[speaker004:] ... Well yeah,
[Stuart:] I don't know.
[speaker004:] I think.
[Stuart:] I should think its quite hard to get into it Yeah I never thought of that, yeah I suppose its colder... you don't have to take that many clothes out there do you, cos get out there...
[speaker004:] [singing] Its a funny old day []...
[Stuart:] I think if I was going to go Sunday I think I'd buy myself a few cos that...
[speaker004:] How
[Stuart:] I've got two boxes at home, but I I mean its not brilliant, but they do the job for me... could be worth cos he driving out there as well, wouldn't mind start get the old ferry ticket's tomorrow and piss off over there, straight through France,
[speaker004:] Erm
[Stuart:] out to Holland
[speaker004:] they offered me two for a boat, right and they offered me one while I was there, then I got home and they offered me one that late that evening, job, erm... working like that was a Thursday and they wanted me to start on the week Monday, I couldn't do it... as it happens I had to give my weeks notice here get out there that quick, so I fucking said, I said to myself well they've first day, they're gonna offer me a few more, so yeah they offered me a couple more but way from so, a bit unlucky I, I wished I'd fucking taken it
[Stuart:] Well you could of done really, I mean you could of fucking rang in, rang in here on a Friday and
[speaker004:] that's what I, that's what I thought like cos I thought
[Stuart:] you know, if they want the first day, then there gonna have to do another lot so what's the point of sort of yourself out with fucking, I wasn't really sure at the time that I wanted to go to so, you know, I, I said no I needed this job, but probably a bad... I've been offered a couple of month one's as well, one month and two month's, but I mean the trouble is
[speaker004:] The trouble is there are they? I was gonna say if you ain't permanently in employment, you're a bit silly to take that... especially if the er, present climber and there's one there they offered me said it could be two weeks or it could be two years I don't know, so I gambler or not, I mean it depends how well you're you are as well.
[Stuart:] Well most of them they saying are six contracts, now they say, say, six month contract or eight month contract or a three month contract, but I just had a couple that were like oh they could be a
[speaker004:] Goal
[Stuart:] couple of months he said he, it could be a couple of years, it depends on how quick it get, work gets done and how long they think they need you.
[speaker004:] What time is it?
[Stuart:] forty-eight.
[speaker004:] Forty-eight... ... Does they put... Well maybe thirteenth What time is it now? Quarter too. What you got to go into town for?
[Stuart:] Fucking alright, I haven't been up to the today, I've spent most of it sat fucking here.
[speaker004:] Fucking I don't know. Stuart
[Stuart:] What?
[speaker004:] Barney says he don't like extra strong mints so could you get murray mints next time please... I'll take them home.
[Stuart:] Yeah this is taken this piss isn't it?...
[Mark:] you've got to ain't you? [LAUGHTER]
[speaker004:] this morning.
[Mark:] I'll tell you what I'll bring you back a crate of fucking French extra strong mints [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] ... yeah we've heard you don't give it to Karen in the French style.
[Mark:] What is the French style?
[Stuart:] No fucking idea.
[speaker004:] The French what?
[Stuart:] Mucking about the place, sex...
[Mark:] I know you, you, you're not allowed to bath three days before so you can get that fucking French aroma going.
[Stuart:] That could be it...
[speaker004:] Probably right.
[Mark:] They reckon the average French woman don't change their knickers, they only change it every two days or something... and all sorts... they don't shave.
[Stuart:] Yeah I know that.
[Mark:] Get right fucking any way
[Stuart:] Yeah No I mean like that
[Mark:] And their
[Stuart:] That, that, that little French, that little French girl I fucking, I told you I met over in Spain, she fucking had she had her right the way round there, sniffing out the fucking size of it [LAUGHTER], felt like saying do you want a quick short back and sides girl [LAUGHTER].
[Mark:] No
[Stuart:] She, she does she once, she never let me in the pass, she never let me for my birthday.
[Mark:] Eh?
[Stuart:] She never let me for my birthday.
[Mark:] What's that, shave her
[Stuart:] shave her
[Mark:] I'd wanna shave her.
[Stuart:] For Christmas she said can I shave you?
[Mark:] Fucking hell, a bit weird man, what's
[Stuart:] All I want for Christmas is a smooth fanny [LAUGHTER]
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] No shave and then you shag a girl
[Mark:] Yeah but they reckon the stubble afterwards plays havoc.
[Stuart:] Ah, getting that yeah
[Mark:] Fucking
[Stuart:] yeah but I ain't gonna have to worry about it I'm not gonna be back for a month am I? [LAUGHTER]
[speaker004:] Should of
[Stuart:] For Christmas Eve I'm gonna get the old fucking out
[Mark:] run riot [LAUGHTER], don't try any, fucking run mate.
[Stuart:] She'd be up with it as well, cos if I sleep I ain't never going to get it [LAUGHTER]..
[Mark:] Well think of that, if you cut her, whoops.
[Stuart:] tissue all over it [LAUGHTER]
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]...
[Stuart:] I wouldn't mind another
[speaker004:] Yeah
[Stuart:] Stick the tissue on it [LAUGHTER]
[speaker004:] Would you like to do you interested?
[Stuart:] Definitely different.
[speaker004:] Mm.
[Mark:] That's what I want to do the shaving as well
[Stuart:] Yeah, see where its going wouldn't you?
[speaker004:] What they don't need, they don't the old lathery legs
[Mark:] I ain't got to, I've just realised it was
[speaker004:] The old lather in there, work it about a bit.
[Stuart:] Does it, is it, is it the
[Mark:] The cut throat
[speaker004:] A bit of hot water down there fucking... well you've got to snip it first, haven't you, you've got to fucking snip it with the long hairs first, the old cut throat.
[Mark:] Oh he's, I swear he's done it before
[Stuart:] He has done it before.
[speaker004:] No I haven't
[Mark:] I bet he has
[Stuart:] With a bloke
[Mark:] Oh, [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] [LAUGHTER]. Its its just me putting after shave on argh.
[speaker004:] [LAUGHTER]
[Mark:] Well funny you should say that
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[Mark:] but we have shaved the bollocks of a bloke in T A, he was a right like Tintin, so we, we pinned him and shaved his bollocks... and then put after shave over it.
[Stuart:] Oh no. Oh god I bet he passed out didn't he?
[Mark:] The thing is we did it right, we did it in the nappy, then we fucking put him spread-eagled on a bench and me mate ran off to get the shaving kit stuff... and this fucking this people who's erm, looking wom, girls in there and everything, real fucking pissed up
[Stuart:] [LAUGHTER]
[Mark:] to him, didn't take very long.
[Stuart:] What that small bollocks.
[Mark:] But we shaved it from around there, people we were gonna go on to shave his legs and stuff as well but we got caught.
[Stuart:] [LAUGHTER].
[Mark:] We were gonna wax his fucking legs argh, he didn't ar, he did, he wasn't screaming cos the thing we said like if you move this, your, your will be slit sort of that'll keep him dead still right
[Stuart:] [LAUGHTER]
[Mark:] alright, but then more ways than one [LAUGHTER].
[Stuart:] Yeah
[Mark:] He had a shaving kit like that, and he had his old, the old after shave lotion and that, and he will, well, picked us, we just fucking said I, I know what will do the trick a bit of fucking gone
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[Mark:] top of the after shave, used about half a bottle of after shave, and he's just gone started around, I thought he was throwing a I thought that must of well stung. I mean it, you know when you do it, when you put it on after shaving you think ooh you know
[speaker004:] Yeah
[Mark:] half a bottle all over his I mean that with a any way, but all over his fucking private parts shave them
[Stuart:] Ooh.
[Mark:] I don't think he ever forgave any of us.
[speaker004:] Who told you to get him?
[Mark:] The thing is a couple of weeks later
[Stuart:] I don't blame him really.
[Mark:] no a couple of weeks later, erm, we, we went on a big route marching stuff and he was in agony the old stubble
[Stuart:] Yeah
[Mark:] he, he, he had the old fucking vaseline down there and so, all that all the
[Stuart:] Don't join the T A [LAUGHTER]
[speaker004:] [LAUGHTER] no I fucking ain't, but its you say that, there's this geezer
[Stuart:] Would you go around with your
[Mark:] Thank fucking your heads not shaved not you're bleeding
[speaker004:] cos er, there's there everyone get's something done to them, but nothing, nothing like erm,
[Stuart:] Oh, Roger's got bald balls [LAUGHTER]
[speaker004:] they say that some guys got skin heads,
[Mark:] Arseholes, I wouldn't, I wouldn't do anything like that, I wouldn't do anything that might hurt
[Stuart:] There's some, there's some guy.
[Mark:] What's that?
[Stuart:] Shaved this Lieutenant Sergeant Major eyebrow off when he was sleeping one night, and he was in front of the, the Colonel Chief and Regional... so what he did, he, cos it, it took, taken ages, took about three months to grow back, so what he did was he shaved the other one off as well
[Mark:] yeah
[Stuart:] and like, just blended it in with like one of these pencil stuff, so funny
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] apparently he went, he went round telling everybody erm he was doing a live exercise and he got singed or something [LAUGHTER] but this, this erm, its Browndown on the South Coast and it was, it was a Christ it was a Christmas piss up, regiment Christmas piss up and anything goes, as long as you don't physically hurt somebody, although that has been known to happen and its not criminal anything goes right, but honestly the worse you do to somebody the worse they do back to you, and people are getting tied bollock naked up the flag poles, dumped in bins, erm, tied in their beds, put out in the middle of the parade ground, fucking all sorts of things you know, like what we can do, the most common thing is nicking, you know the old walking pay slips they've got
[Mark:] yeah
[Stuart:] nicking them and capture there pay slips and you get it, you get a little brass plaque on it saying captured by so and so and the date, cos obviously they get fined for loosing it and all that sort of stuff
[Mark:] do they?
[Stuart:] oh yeah its army property, must cost about, they cost about eighty quid or something
[speaker004:] What?
[Stuart:] the pay slips they use in the can actually marked up and its got the exact
[Mark:] You mean you haven't seen them doing it
[Stuart:] oh yeah the people, matey's walking along and he's going like this and he's pulling it as he's doing it, he says and he's doing it in proper time like that, but with one arm going he's twiddling it, he's doing it, he says no my feet are exactly like that, very effective but you can actually get fined for loosing them, you have to pay for them and its like a real, shooting sticks as well, you don't tend to carry erm, these pay sticks you carry them like the old shooting sticks, the old you know?
[Mark:] Yeah
[Stuart:] we captured them, great laugh about that, really is, its just a, its just a weekend of piss up basically. Every night in the fucking raunchiest games, it doesn't matter if your a girl, if your girl and don't want to play fine, if your girl and you wanna play well, quite like the bloke sort of thing you know, there was no, nothing er, no given, the fact that your a female, and they used to go in as hardly anybody half the time, erm, indoor rugby and shit like that
[Mark:] yeah
[Stuart:] with a cushion. You know, nine times out of ten you don't even get round to take the tables and the chairs out the way, just fucking fall over them
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] erm... fucking indoor murder ball, the seat, cushion and stuff like that, its fucking well out of order piss up games... oh that's right I think we played in, I think we played, you know that British bull dog thing?, we managed to clear all the fucking the nappy chair this and the chairs out the way, we were playing this British bull dog sort of thing and the only thing, the only, the only difference was when you got caught, got, everybody was fucking giving you a few thumps in the arm, for good measure like, and we played about four of this and every time this cocky little son of a bitch didn't get caught, he was always the last person, so we fucking said, we said, me and this other guy's that are in our troop and that er, we said right we'll get him, so when, when everybody sort of go for it right just after the one person in the middle, said fucking just get this guy and fucking pin him down and do something to him right, we didn't, I think we said we'd just get him, yeah that's a good idea, so he's gone right go and his mate he's fucking took off two steps and there's eight of us fucking dived on top of him, what the fucking, he's struggling, get off you cunt so we pinned him down and at first we was just going to de-bag him in front of the women, we've taken his boots off and his trousers and that and shave his bollocks, yeah the whole fucking yeah, it was like an audience, all that they sort of gathered up the chairs and the tables fuck have his bollocks shaved.
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] Well out of order, the thing is if that'd been, if that'd been another troop trying to do it to him, there would of been, there would of been shit
[speaker004:] Hell to pay
[Stuart:] but because he knew it was our troop, you know... but erm, that's the thing when you, nine times, about eight times out of ten you did it to another troop, but then again they did it back to you, but this time he was a right cocky son of a bitch, I mean we all liked him, but he was right cocky bastard, so he
[Mark:] So he
[Stuart:] thought he was it so we decided to bring him down three pegs or two...
[Mark:] So when did the hair grow back on your bollocks then Stu? [LAUGHTER]...
[Stuart:] Yeah, its thicker now Mark, but they shaved me round here, you know er, we had, Kevin, Kevin yeah he was the fucking B U L G A R, he was a right good laugh actually... he's still there, he's a Lance Corporal now......
[speaker004:] Got
[Stuart:] I, I, I was lucky in the three ground I went too the worst that ever happened to me was I was put head first into a dustbin, but luckily it had been emptied it was still well mucky, but I just fucking went and had a shower, and I come out of the shower and I'd got pounced upon again and I was there, it must of been a funny site, there's me right in just a pair of fucking deck chairs that we used to wear for the, the shower block right, fucking shaving, er like the wash kit bag in my right hand and I was holding me fucking towel round, round me waist with me left, I was streaking across the play ground, going as fast as I could
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] and about fifteen of the erm eight, eight, five troop chasing after me, it was like our sister troop... yeah, we were, there was three troops in our squadron, eight, eight, five, eight, eight, six and eighty, eighty, seven and then there was three squadrons and a regiments, there was nine troops there, so like, if it, basically it was your troop and nobody else, but then it was your squadron and, and anybody else and then the few times that I, on regiment it was your regiment and nobody else, like, we could touch you cos your our regiment but if you try and touch us, you can get fucking hell, but it nearly always come down to the troops, and the thing is eight, eight, six, only had, the first year that I was there we'd only had about thirty people, fourth year there had I opposed like fifty, sixty and seventy, second year we were there we had about forty- five opposed to like sixty, seventy, eighty, and the third year there we had about fifty opposed like fucking seventy, eighty and ninety in a, in a troop, so we were always well out numbered and we were by far the most outrageous
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]...
[Stuart:] well, huh, one of our fucking sergeant's right, we were taken erm some of the recruits from another, another troop I mean, er nine, nine, one or something it was one of the other squadron's and er, and he's got them inside where's he's like fucking the old erm...
[Mark:] What time is it?
[Stuart:] eleven forty six, he's got them inside, I think I told you about this didn't I?, and I was inside helping them out like, he was outside, he didn't have his gas mask, we were doing the things, like M B C stuff, and I'm inside and he said right you will each go to a post, where inside this tent, each to go to er, erm, cos there was six people inside and like there was six posts, he said you each got to a post inside the tent and on the you will pick up the tent, and I new what was coming, done it before sort of thing and erm, were all in M B C stuff cos there's still lots of gas, but there wasn't for very long, and he said right on the you will, er he just said, we picked it up right, were all fucking all fucking I said go on then,
[Mark:] Yeah
[Stuart:] and then he's, he's fucking started marching us around the parade square and and we can't see a fucking thing inside there, and he said er come out a minute, so I've blinking gone out and I've noticed were about fifty yards from the beach
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] so I've got out, I, I said to him you thinking what I'm thinking, he said yeah shall we do it, most out of order it is a bit cold, middle of, middle of December like
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] twentieth of December or something like that, he's, he's fucking gone yeah, right troop right turn so the whole fucking tent shuffle's round, he said, you remember you are part of the British army, if you disobey orders you will be brought up on charges, by the left quick march, and he's fucking walking them to the sea
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] tent an all
[speaker004:] go on
[Mark:] and like the thing is obviously like the first realise there on a and they try to stop it, why are you stopping for, remember you are in the British army, if you disobey orders you'll get a court marshall really started laying onto them, and like they've started again and like the first bloke obviously got to the fucking water, cos he's stopped again, one man one sides shouting out and round the other side shouting out and they have they've all gone in, they must of thought fuck it and they've all just fucking marched into the sea, and we marched them in, tent was only about that much above water, and we've... lasted thought, this is the thing that got me, he, he shouted at him, cos we, we, we managed to get them and that, he said right, right, go in, go in and tell them to come out, what, I said what, can you just pop in and tell them to come out, I said over here sarge, he said you disobey an order [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] I said oh you cunt, said I'm your troop you can't me go in there, he says try me, I said bastard so I fucking right sea, fucking over the right you can come out now, marched back out again gave them a right old on the way back again, get changed again, alright, I thought you cunt
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] and er, this is what I, this is what I wanted, to tie to the flagpole and left him there for about an hour...... he had his pasting as well.
[Mark:] I, I, I remember you telling er
[Stuart:] He was our, he was our squadron but not our troop you see, see if I'd a been his troop he probably wouldn't of made me go into the sea, but it was fucking cold, I mean, I mean full M B C kit right
[Mark:] yeah, trousers, boots
[Stuart:] trousers, boots, fucking the leggings, the gloves, the mask anything, he made me fucking walk into the sea. quite like, yeah, I'll never forgive him for that, he's now our troop's sergeant, he's got a transfer to the other squadron one of these troops, to er, to a troop. I went down there about a month ago... say hello to them all.
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Stuart:] , we er, we, we did some, I mean that was a proper weekend set aside for but I mean they really about practical jokes being played and stuff.
[speaker004:] Er well the worse thing we ever done in cadets was erm, the er the handcuffs right, trouble was.
[Stuart:] I used to like, I used to like the P C
[speaker004:] Yeah
[Stuart:] yeah, I did like the used to make but I used to like the But the thing is once you'd fit you could stay there. You used to work fucking hard though most weekends. Like a lot of weekends you'd leave, you'd leave the T A centre about eight and then from eight o'clock Friday night too about, well you'd be working until about three o'clock Sunday afternoon, and you are lucky if you'd got three or four hours sleep working you don't notice, you get tired but you don't feel that bad and it was only like I used to come home on a Sunday crash out about sleep about. My old man said he's erm, he used to go down to er, every, every sort of six months or so, cos they were in he was in charge of fucking then, he'd used to have to go on manoeuvre's about sort of six monthly or something like that
[Mark:] Yeah
[Stuart:] just for re-training sort of thing. The first time he went down there he set, set a had to take the waters out, you know, said you've done it before ain't you said yeah I did it in in para's and the bloke said yeah, right he said erm well there's not a lot I can teach you senior N C O's he said you might as well piss off down the pub, I'll see you later [LAUGHTER]
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] Yeah, then the, the old man and about three or four of these N C O's, he was senior N C O, sort of, sort of corporal and the rest of them were corporal and lance corporal's, but he was the one in charged of the
[Mark:] Yeah
[Stuart:] water section and then maybe, maybe the other month he used to you get about three thousand rounds of blanks and stuff
[Mark:] Yeah
[Stuart:] like we did eh
[Mark:] did you?
[Stuart:] like you do up
[Mark:] yeah
[Stuart:] going for a that was brilliant I got and that, and I tried, I had a whole box of er, erm, thing is, when you hold a thousand rounds of ammunition, I got given about two thirds of this box all for myself, so I'm there for about three hours before the exercise I had and then put the rest in the then we sat down for another hour filling them up again, superb, we had loads of bung in the windows grenades
[speaker004:] ain't you?
[Stuart:] it, we, we had to do it properly, but the idea of the machine gun go in there and go away
[Mark:] Me old man right, me uncle, me uncle used to live in a house which used to digging in the back garden, this piece of fucking dirt and he pulled out this and its sort of round, my old man's gone, no he, he said er I wouldn't dig there any more
[Stuart:] [LAUGHTER]
[Mark:] my uncle's gone oh fuck off like this and he started to put his fork in again and we goes, my dad goes well that look distinctly like a three inch mortar shell so I wouldn't put any more in there if, I wouldn't put your fucking fork's in there again if I was you, they had to get the bomb squad out, they diffused it, they found about five fucking mortar bombs
[Stuart:] Really
[Mark:] in the back of his garden, yeah
[Stuart:] [LAUGHTER]. The thing is the way the way
[Mark:] They, they, what they'd been doing was shooting them over and they'd just hadn't been exploded, they said dud shell or something.
[Stuart:] Get the bomb squad out any way, but erm, the British army has got a lot of important that's they way we would fight the Russians, take over a small hamlet, mortify it and that's how the only way we would ever up the Russian's grass nest, they take it very seriously, so what they did if they tell us how to do it, walks us through, show us what to do, let us do it and then they'd make us do it again, but without any mistakes and that, it was really good and they showed us how to er mortify up a house, go, going through all the sewers and stuff is quite fun
[speaker004:] The thing that gets me though is erm, when they done these exercise you've got to
[Stuart:] yeah
[speaker004:] ain't got a
[Stuart:] you don't obviously, but
[speaker004:] yeah I know.
[Stuart:] It is, it is simulate valve which... basically your out in the open and you see somebody firing the regiment, I know its a bit silly but there is no real way, mind you, its not, you can't, the thing is you can't defend them without how you die, you can't train people how to avo to die, you can only train them how to avoid it, so it doesn't really matter if you get fired or not, but they show you the drills and you have to do them to the best of your ability the blank rounds are only there to the conditions, now this is why they've got these laser got laser sights all over the body, helmet and torso and the actual weapons got a laser on top and you get, if you get near one of these things you go dead and your out, and you can actually simulate but then again there, but you, you fire off the blank, that's what triggers the laser sometimes if there's been a lot of, we did, we did it in a couple of time see the old laser go, cor, its got very think red beam, its not like you see these big flashing great big bits of light like on Star Wars and stuff, well its not, its not suppose to hurt you its a very thin piercing beam, its well impressive.
[Mark:] See the old man was saying when he was doing Salisbury Plain they blew up couple of and a couple of
[Stuart:] Yeah, that is small hard weapons. Its about, for, for the kit on use of your body and the stuff that your weapons its about a thousand pounds
[Mark:] Yeah, but its suppose to be in it.
[Stuart:] expense, its er state of the art equipment. As normal the Americans had it first, had it first...
[Mark:] but we had the computer system first built
[Stuart:] oh not into battleships Mark.
[Mark:] No.
[Stuart:] the only battleship I know about is the girl friend [LAUGHTER] go away for about three months at a time and you'd say of where's Norman, oh he's er working and then we all knew he's working for a he'd put them in the computer systems right the way throughout the ships
[Mark:] Yeah...
[Stuart:] like I said we at least to go on one complex exercise every month which, although they can't physically make you go on it there was, you know, they more or less made you go sort of thing pay to do and then we were there the other weekend we had one of these weekends where be more fun, really hard work though... it'll be more fun for
[Mark:] See you [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] Ah?
[Mark:] You get back
[Stuart:] They still that's why they have these on the end of them weapon with a yellow fork at the end, but even without that you still get lots of little bits of cardboard come out, its a cardboard wad inside its the same charge as a but its a cardboard box, cardboard blank inside
[Mark:] Yeah I've seen them.
[Stuart:] and it shoots it out. You can shoot them at close range I mean there was a
[speaker004:] Giant killers aren't they?
[Stuart:] yeah there was an actor erm and he was playing Russian roulette with and he put it up to his temple, pulled the trigger the blank went off, bloody blew his brains in. The thing is, if they always give you and you, your, nine times out of ten what they do is like, is either, they either put a can over there or a beer or something, they put it over the end of the, the weapon pull the trigger and that, even with a flash that can go like that, and then they show you one with the, the erm flashes right which have more powerful than the and they've actually got same again same charge as a life grenade in, but it just plain cardboard so, obviously no trap, but if you lay on them ooh er, you get or something you don't throw what they do now is they put one they light one, put the helmet over the top of it and make it lit, it runs like buggery and it'll go a hundred, a hundred and fifty foot up in the air and inside it looks like its been and where its been in the thing it'll be like er, six seventy foot off the ground, I mean I laid on one once and I, landed about two foot too my left so I've rolled over, rolled, rolled, and rolled, as I've rolled I've rolled over on my back and I've had all loads of over, like the, I had a roll there its like the er
[Mark:] Yeah I know
[Stuart:] stuff keep the half way up my back its all padding and stuff and I've rolled over, as I've rolled over there 's been another one it has gone off, it felt like I've been kicked in the back by somebody really having a go at me, it threw me and even with all that I had a like that so there not, there not kiddy toys. How long ago was this?
[speaker004:] Er about, how old was I, I was
[Stuart:] Is it, it looks a bit like a, the one laying down.
[speaker004:] I don't know, proper weapons I know that, that's, that's behind me
[Stuart:] Yeah
[speaker004:] I turned round and but still got back in...
[Mark:] I don't believe it, paid all that money for a digital... said look at the about stuff, at the end of the day they, he is five a side football... stuff like that, had I've been thinking about joining again, but I don't really know what I'm gonna do after Christmas now... even Karen said she wouldn't mind joining but I tried, I managed to put her off that idea.
[Stuart:] [LAUGHTER]...
[Mark:] See the thing is, what they've said to me, because I've been away now for nearly two years erm I'd have to go back and do all the training again, which is a bit of a pain but its not too bad because I've done it before sort of thing, she said to me oh yeah when you go I, I might come along and see if I like it, and we can do the training together she said, I manage to put her off that idea, manage to talk her out of that.
[speaker004:] They still don't like you co-habiting with er
[Mark:] Court marshall. Yeah do you know if your on duty and you get caught co-habitating did you say, said er, yeah court marshall, discharged you with a, discharge you...
[Stuart:] Karen whatever her name is
[speaker004:] [LAUGHTER]...
[Mark:] Yeah, but married couple there did have a couple of people there that got married while they were in the T A but they weren't allowed, they never allowed to sort of buddy, buddy together... I tell you why I got put with that woman.
[Stuart:] Ah?
[Mark:] Did I tell you why I got with that girl
[Stuart:] Yeah
[Mark:] its really cold, yeah oh that was good, I enjoyed that... she's still there, she's a Lance Corporal now as well... and I must admit well I, I didn't think she'd ev, she was always crying but I never thought she'd actually do very well in the T A, didn't seem to have the get up and go about it but she obviously sorted herself out and... got, Spambo Man they called me.
[Stuart:] Shitler
[Mark:] Shitler yeah your right there. See my nick name in the T A was Vicky, she probably felt save with somebody named Vicky... see people started called me van witty and then it got changed to Wicky then somebody started called me Vicky and it stuck, she probably thought I'd got a... You know when I look back now I fucking enjoyed in the T A
[Stuart:] My old man in his regiment they called each other bow.
[Mark:] Bow.
[Stuart:] Hello bow how you doing
[Mark:] Everybody was bow was they?
[Stuart:] Yeah, it seemed to be a fucking... secrecy I suppose.
[Mark:] Yeah alright bow. had a girl from another troop Lynn somebody... can't remember her last name any way her first name was Lynn and as rumour had it, she'd had everybody in the bedroom
[Stuart:] Yeah
[Mark:] so we started called her lip, but that happened before I got there so, as I got there it just like, as I joined got in with the regulars it started to peter out a bit, but I got fooled with a couple of times I thought they were taking the piss, alright Lynn how you doing, you know, still. See the thing was she, she, the best fact the only reason she joined the T A was to get [LAUGHTER] Right ok love, we will do our best.
[speaker004:] Fucking well will [LAUGHTER]...
[Mark:] Yeah good old laugh, I remember my scout motto, I promise that I'll do my best and do my duties its going back a long, long way brother.
[Stuart:] Ah see that girl though, got accused girl scouts or something, she refused to swear an oath to, to god, because, she wasn't sure there was one, she'd swear it to the queen,
[Mark:] Yeah
[Stuart:] but wouldn't take an oath for god so they wouldn't let her in. You know sort of eleven years old, she said I'm, I'm god, its not been proved to me, its not been proved
[Mark:] yeah
[Stuart:] sort of, so how, how can I swear in all honestly, I thought it was really good.
[Mark:] Girl Guides
[Stuart:] I thought how, how can I swear an oath to god in all honestly if I'm not sure there is one, I thought yeah blimming right, I mean, she wouldn't just take, say it... so she obviously said, she obviously said the right theories and I thought bloody right, they wouldn't let her in. as long as we get that cleared up.
[speaker004:] ...
[Stuart:] As I say, fun, fun, fun I say, like I say sometimes you can do a pissing rain in a fucking hole and have about four hours sleep at the weekend, then we get, we get back get into the bar and we'd have a fucking good laugh about it. You make some really good friends, friends you fucking trust your life on sort of thing or your girl friend get a million pounds in, in, in a amazingly short time, cos you've got to work together, its really, really good. Tell you what, I would love to, like to for me to be a sergeant again and get someone like that in my troop... fucking break him.
[Mark:] Well there would he, he wouldn't join up any way
[Stuart:] No, I mean instead of
[Mark:] or where ever it is,.
[Stuart:] Er, well there is, there is a there is in every but I don't know where they main one is... sort of like in it, I don't know where I don't know where the, the military stock aid is I think they've just got don't they?...
[Mark:] Don't know...
[Stuart:] ... with me wrong hand... I don't told you that didn't I, I was well shagged with someone fucking swim left hand
[Mark:] The only reason you join the T A was to get out of fucking work weren't it Stuart?
[Stuart:] Don't give us that shit
[Mark:] Eh?, the only reason you joined the T A was to get out of work
[Stuart:] Get out of work?
[Mark:] Yeah you get two weeks don't you, two weeks
[Stuart:] British Aerospace was brilliant, as long as I had, I had a good reason to go away they'd give me, they said they'd pay for, I mean one year I did six weeks away... paid and then anot another year I did two months non pay and I still kept me job, that's when I went up the for two months all I was just labour doing it then.
[Mark:] Did they pay you for it then?
[Stuart:] Eh, yeah regular army pay, great... that's really what made me decide to join the army, that was in the T A but I regulars. All I do I got out sort of the sort of about eight thirty... and then I, I'd work to about half three and all I'd wanna do is, we, we'd fucking, we'd set up the cable then we'd all sit down and do nothing while the old erm, the M O D people had obviously it, and then they tell us to take it down and move it and we move it and set it up again, its like out of a, out of a seven hour day, we'd only work about three or four, like here. I've got my own silk lips attached to the fucking
[Mark:] like swallow it... stick it up her nose and say. Peace and normality dates...
[Stuart:] Eh see that woman who right?
[speaker004:] Yeah
[Stuart:] I was fucking like that and the thing come that way It would of, it would of got me I tell you.
[Mark:] Only
[Stuart:] direction it'd fucking slice me ear off I reckon. I thought I don't like all the he's gonna fucking have me, so I sort of got down like that and as he fucking come round the thing must of gone like that, sort of that sort of bearing.
[speaker004:] Stu no Stewart
[Stuart:] Fucking would of been taken me ear off.
[speaker004:] Have to wear fucking er.
[Stuart:] I wonder if he'll give me this. Thirteen O one....
[speaker004:] Eh?
[Mark:] Yeah you get... two minutes or something don't you?
[speaker004:] What?
[Mark:] You get two minutes don't you?
[Stuart:] Thirteen O one.
[speaker004:] Thirteen O one. I got that.
[Stuart:] No. I fucking better I think... if he, if I don't get half an hours pay... fucking
[Mark:] Fifteen minutes... you're allowed. No, fifteen minutes.... Fifteen minutes and you get docked....
[Stuart:] Well I ain't doing sort of I ain't doing nothing... sixteen minutes until it gets back....
[speaker004:] You do fuck all anyway Stuart.
[Stuart:] Cheeky bastard.
[Mark:] So it's six minutes you'll have to leave him now.
[speaker004:] Ah.
[Stuart:] Here we go.
[speaker004:] I say Barry old chap
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] .
[Mark:] Yeah they've charged me a fiver's fucking commission on that.
[Stuart:] That's outrageous.
[speaker004:] Yeah.
[Mark:] Cor. Shit.... Want fucking shooting....
[Stuart:] That's over five percent.
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Stuart:] About five an a half, six percent or something....
[Mark:] No no it's not as much as that. It's about four
[Stuart:] Yeah. Cos five percent on a... on a hundred pound would be a fiver wouldn't it?
[Mark:] Yeah....
[Stuart:] So they charged you er
[Mark:] About six percent.
[Stuart:] five and a half, six percent they charged you.
[Mark:] [whispering] Fucking [].... I'm sure when I op opened, I'm sure when I got my T S B they... didn't charge me that much.... When I bought.... Mind you that, that was er travellers cheques and they're usually cheaper anyway aren't they? They're only a quid for a hundred.
[speaker004:] Quid. Cost me a fiver when I changed that.
[Mark:] Yeah.
[speaker004:] T S B. travellers cheques.
[Mark:] Yeah. Quid for a hundred wasn't it?
[speaker004:] Eh?
[Mark:] Every hundred pound you spend you just put... spend a quid over the top. Or... every hundred pounds worth of travellers cheques you get.
[speaker004:] three hundred pound
[Stuart:] See I'm I'm only allowed to take fifty pounds worth of rand into the country so I've gotta do it all in travellers cheques.
[Mark:] Yeah, it could be right that actually.
[Stuart:] Mind you their rate of exchange... if if you'd have bought all pesetas in this country it would have probably been a better rate of exchange for you. Rather than out there.
[Mark:] No. That's what she reckons anyway. She said... she said that
[Stuart:] Well that I I us I got a better rate of exchange out in S A than I did here.
[Mark:] Yeah but that's probably
[Stuart:] When I changed up fifty quid's worth here... erm on the Monday... I got four point three five. And on the Wednesday when I changed them out there I got four point seven.
[Mark:] Yeah but that's a fluctuation.
[Stuart:] That's a lot of fluctu-fucking-ation though.
[Mark:] Yeah, point three five of a rand though. Or point point three
[Stuart:] But that's still quite a lot.
[Mark:] Point three five of a rand is fucking nothing when you work it out.
[Stuart:] Yeah but... yeah to us.
[Mark:] To to English money.
[Stuart:] To us. But they're talking
[Mark:] Yeah but I mean
[Stuart:] about big business and that. That's a lot of money.
[Mark:] No
[Stuart:] I know it doesn't mean much on a thousand pound or something silly. But i like it is I mean... it's quite a lot considering the money markets and stuff.
[Mark:] Yeah I know. I mean that's that's the same as fucking out in Spain last year. The best rate of exchange I got was... how many pesetas is it to a quid?
[Stuart:] I dunno.
[speaker004:] Yeah I was, I was getting about hundred and eighty two.
[Mark:] Pesetas to a quid?... Yeah? Well when we were out there it was ranging from any anything from about a hundred and eighty five to a hundred and ninety six. So that's eleven pesetas, that's quite a fucking bit.
[speaker004:] Used to, used to be over two hundred.
[Mark:] Yeah. That's right.
[speaker004:] Last time I went about three years ago.
[Stuart:] When I went out there with Sandra I was told that you normally get a better rate of exchange in the country when you change travellers cheques.
[Mark:] Yeah and she's just ch told me completely the opposite.
[Stuart:] Maybe it was the opposite at the time....
[Mark:] She goes oh sorry... all I've got is hundred franc bills.... Okay fair enough. How many of them can I have? Well for seventy three forty eight you can have seven hundred. I didn't think they were gonna fucking hit me for a fiver as well. That's a bit fucking off isn't it?
[speaker004:] What?
[Mark:] Hitting me for a fiver commission as well. That's a bit fucking off.
[speaker004:] You change it back they can stick you again.... If you don't spend it all....
[Mark:] They fucking better not.
[Stuart:] You're not allowed, you're not, you're only allowed to change notes as well aren't you?
[speaker004:] Notes. Yeah....
[Mark:] They'll have bricks through the fucking windows at Lloyds.
[speaker004:] you don't get... don't get... you don't get the same exchange rate do you? You get forty percent. like... twelve francs to get a pound or something.
[Mark:] Yeah. You get stung when you try to... bring them back.... That'll be a cunt. I'll walk into a French bank and say can I exchange these back to sterling... and they'll say oh yes and then charge me five hundred fucking francs... again or whatever it is. [LAUGHTER]... no five nines, nine eighteen twenty seven thirty six... forty five francs. Yes that will be forty five francs commission mons monsieur.
[Stuart:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker004:] What, is an Italian bank teller working?
[Mark:] Fuck off.
[speaker004:] [LAUGHTER]...
[Mark:] Eh?
[speaker004:] What's a franc?...
[Mark:] A ninth of a pound.
[Stuart:] Yeah....
[Mark:] Ten p.
[speaker004:] You have to work these things out before you go to France your money won't you?
[Mark:] That's why I'm gonna take this with me I think.
[speaker004:] Eh?
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER] I'm gonna take this with me. I'm going for the
[speaker004:] Ah it's ten p a pint.... Surely even you could work that out without. It's five hundred francs.
[Mark:] You cheeky fucker.
[speaker004:] Fifty quid....
[Mark:] No see that's when me sister went, went out. She only got four hundred and eighty... odd francs.... See that's how much it's, it's going up and down. It's fluctuating. She got four hundred and eighty francs for... for
[speaker004:] If you swear at me you cunt.
[Mark:] fifty quid.
[speaker004:] Yeah?
[Mark:] Yeah.
[speaker004:] Take twenty francs out.
[Mark:] Yeah.
[speaker004:] quid....
[Mark:] Yeah but I paid seventy five... or seventy eight. And now you got seven hundred.
[speaker004:] Yeah.
[Mark:] So for that two hundred francs more... I've lost about eight quid.
[Stuart:] So now you see why point three five or whatever is
[speaker004:] So? Two hundred francs more, ten quid more. quid. That's variation exchange rate innit?
[Mark:] Yeah.... It's the last time I go to fucking France.
[speaker004:] Never been there.
[Stuart:] Don't know why you're going there in the first place.
[speaker004:] Never been there.
[Stuart:] Dive....
[Mark:] Yeah I did. He's got it.
[speaker004:] What?
[Mark:] My Sport....
[speaker004:] Stuart was reading it....
[Stuart:] Eh?... Oh it's on top there.
[Mark:] fill the old pools coupon out.
[Stuart:] Suppose I better start in a minute, hadn't I really?
[Mark:] Why break a habit of a lifetime Stu?...
[Stuart:] I might have to hurt you for that.
[speaker004:] Eh?
[Stuart:] I said I may have to hurt him for a remark like that. I ain't gonna start.
[speaker004:] I'm fucking kicking you out in a minute.... And I'll sit here and fart away
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] ...
[Stuart:] Oh... god....
[speaker004:] get home tonight quite easily. Why don't you go to bed and go to sleep?
[Stuart:] I'm feeling that way inclined as well....
[speaker004:] Ah! Yeah cover your knuckles in this stuff and punch somebody marks out. [whistling]
[Stuart:] [yawn] Oh god.
[speaker004:] Eh?
[Stuart:] I think I'm just gonna go round me girlfriend's and sleep after she's given me my food.... Lord knows what she's cooking.
[speaker004:] and see cousin Billy.
[Stuart:] [LAUGHTER]
[Mark:] He'll soon deal with it.
[Stuart:] How is cousin Billy nowadays then?
[speaker004:] What?
[Stuart:] How is cousin Billy now then?
[speaker004:] How much it cost you to get over there Tramp?...
[Mark:] [cough] Eighteen quid.
[speaker004:] Eighty?
[Mark:] Eighteen.
[speaker004:] Gonna say.... Yeah that's cos he was using the allen key. I wasn't using
[Mark:] [singing] Who can explain the thunder and rain there's something in the air [].
[speaker004:] [singing] Oh I [] Yeah I also noticed the way he was using the.
[Mark:] It's amazing how soldiers in skirts have always had a hard reputation innit?
[Karl:] Come on, let's be serious.
[speaker004:] No that's fucking pussies.
[Mark:] Eh? No they they've... over the years they've got some very fucking good write ups.... One of the toughest regiments.... Apparently....
[Karl:] Carry on up the Khyber....
[Mark:] The devils in skirts.
[Karl:] Yes....
[speaker004:] It's all about er... squaddies in skirts and.
[Mark:] Bung ged id in.
[Karl:] Yeah. He bunged it in. [LAUGHTER]
[Mark:] Bungdidin.
[Karl:] Bungdidin.
[speaker004:] Did anyone see that one er... that Carry On film... second world war with er erm a mixed camp?
[Mark:] Yeah.
[speaker004:] With them goats?
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Stuart:] Yeah. It wasn't one of the funniest ones.
[speaker004:] No. It's good
[Stuart:] It's good. The ar the wooden artillery gun.
[Mark:] Yeah. Bang! [LAUGHTER]
[speaker004:] . That's got another one, got that
[Stuart:] Who who's that matey, Kenneth something innit? Or
[Mark:] No it's Patrick Mower.
[Stuart:] No the the camp commander. The little guy with the moustache.
[Mark:] Yeah Kenneth Williams.
[Stuart:] Kenneth... no.... Kenneth Connor?
[Mark:] Kenneth Connor yeah, that's it.... He was the only one of the original cast in it.
[speaker004:] Yeah.
[Mark:] Windsor Davies has appeared in a few but he's er... not one of the regular ones.
[Stuart:] Who?
[Mark:] Windsor Davies.... Oh he was the sergeant major weren't he in that
[Stuart:] Yeah he hasn't appeared in many.
[speaker004:] Well what was it? Erm
[Stuart:] Carry On Camp he was in wasn't he?
[Mark:] Yeah....
[Stuart:] I liked the... the Tarzan one.
[speaker004:] Carry on up the Jungle or whatever? Yeah, that's it.
[Mark:] Frankie Howard.
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Mark:] Yeah. And Terry Scott.
[Stuart:] Had Terry Scott as Tarzan weren't it?
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Stuart:] I think Carry On up the Khyber Pass was famous though with old erm
[Mark:] Roy Roy Castle.
[Stuart:] Roy Castle.
[Mark:] Terry Scott. Yeah it's fucking brilliant that one. And erm... the one with Harry H Corbett in it. Er... No no no no no no. The film erm... where he was, the monster one....
[Stuart:] Carry on Screaming?
[Mark:] Yeah that's it.
[speaker004:] What does he play then?
[Mark:] He plays the inspector. Sergeant. Or whatever it is.
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Mark:] And erm, what was her name?...
[Stuart:] There's been lots of good ones.
[Mark:] Fenella, Fenella Fielding.
[Stuart:] Who's the erm the big titted wench that's in all of them nearly?
[speaker004:] Barbara Windsor. Barbara Windsor.
[Stuart:] No no no the other one that
[speaker004:] Joan Sims
[Stuart:] Joan Sims. She used to play really voluptuous ones in the earlier ones and then she was the old tramp wasn't she?
[speaker004:] Yeah.
[Stuart:] Barbara Windsor that took over... from showing her tits.
[speaker004:] Liz Liz Fraser was another one.
[Stuart:] Who
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Stuart:] who was the one that was in Carry on up the Khyber cos she was tasty?
[Mark:] The the princess?
[speaker004:] Angela er er er er... it was Angela something. Fenella Fielding I used to like that he'd go here get off, get off.
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Stuart:] Jack
[Mark:] Jack Douglas.
[Stuart:] Jack Douglas. He's a freak isn't he?
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Stuart:] Kenneth Williams... ooh stop messing about. What was that one? Where he was in, and archol and archaeologist or something? And he had that big titted Russian woman in the same... the same caravan on the caravan park. With er
[Mark:] Yeah yeah I know.
[Stuart:] with erm with that matey and
[speaker004:] Carry on Camping.
[Stuart:] No, Carry on Camping had Sid James in it.
[Mark:] No, that was Car yeah it might have been.
[speaker004:] You realise that you... could cause a strike
[Mark:] . I know the one you mean though.
[speaker004:] An unskilled man
[Stuart:] Yeah and it had... Windsor Davies in it didn't it?
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Stuart:] and... the matey who... who who was the one that
[Mark:] Oh that was
[Stuart:] who was the one who played the missionary in Carry on up the Khyber pass and that?
[Mark:] Played the who?
[Stuart:] Missionary. The one...
[Mark:] Oh... god I can't remember.
[Stuart:] The one that was caught bonking in the very beginning sort of thing....
[Mark:] Can't remember his name.
[Stuart:] Tried to convert that girl.
[Mark:] I tell you the one I like was Carry on er Beau Geste or something like that, Carry on
[Stuart:] Yeah. Who was that matey? Jim Dale.
[Mark:] Jim Dale. He's fucking brilliant
[Stuart:] He's been in some good ones actually.
[Mark:] he is. Carry on Doctor and
[Stuart:] Cos that was the same matey wasn't it? As his butler?
[Mark:] Yeah. Yeah. Bilko was in it weren't he? Old Phil Silvers was in it.
[Stuart:] Yeah Phil Silvers.
[Mark:] He'd been screwing all day and he'd walk into the camp fucking going
[Stuart:] Yeah. He he'd wreck himself wouldn't he? Get another medal for it.... Yeah he was Commandant Le Pew or something wasn't it? I say this is not cricket what? I say, are we allowed to do manual labour?
[speaker004:] Wanted to borrow a screwdriver.
[Stuart:] As our shop... steward representative... I don't think we can allow this sort of thing brothers.
[speaker004:] That's what I mean. People down here being made redundant and he comes in Haven't you got anything better to do? No. Here you are. Where's this thingybob then? Sonny. What's a Russian It's also the Jewish one. The Jewish Yeah. Jewish trying to teach them English. And he'd go one... two... three four five sex [LAUGHTER]. Oh yeah And that girl as well. She was always like the nice one in there wasn't she? I used to like Carry on, oh what was it? Erm the nursing ones as well. jelly weren't it? Yeah that's that... the nursing ones were good. Er the ones were good as well.
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] .
[Mark:] Who saw Jasper Carrot last night? Anybody see him?
[speaker004:] that karaoke shit hot.
[Stuart:] Eh?
[Mark:] Anybody see Jasper Carrot last night?
[speaker004:] Yeah.
[Stuart:] No.
[Mark:] Fucking brilliant. was all
[Stuart:] I just saw the bit where he was on about the erm short sighted hedgehog.
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] And the dog going... down his leg.
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]. Remember you can make a friend for life. There's a vet like this [LAUGHTER] he's got a fucking bone in his mouth and the dogs his fucking leg [].
[Stuart:] I just saw it
[Mark:] I like the bit with the detectives.... It's called the detectives right? There's Robert Powell and him
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Mark:] and old Ruby Wax was in it last night.
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Mark:] And she comes up and she goes... good day lieutenant Kerawski from... New York the N Y P D like this. And she goes up to the two blokes and she grabs them by the balls and goes mm not bad, nice butt, you know? And all this sort of shit.
[speaker004:] Who?
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER] No.
[speaker004:] Who is?
[Mark:] Yeah.
[speaker004:] Who's going? Who's going? Chicken. Who's he? what's his name? Eh? Going is he? Chicken? Oh yeah I know chicken, yeah.
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER] The one who used to walk round the corner and get round that corner and give it all that. And fucking Dave reckoned there was a piece of wire... running across that fucking corner just down the bottom there. You know where the ferrangi is?
[Stuart:] Yeah.
[Mark:] It's down there.... It's down there
[speaker004:] What?
[Mark:] . Cos every time Jerry'd walk round that corner he'd give it all that. [LAUGHTER] He's fucking got a terrible twitch, a real nervous twitch hasn't he?... He'd say watch him, watch him as Jerry was fucking walking along. And there'd be about... ten or P ten or twelve people fucking watching Jerry walk up... walk round that corner. Every time he got to that corner it'd be... like that, all fucking... giving it some of that.... Fucking awful really....
[Stuart:] It can be the sign of a nervous breakdown.... Somebody s somebody does a... er develops a nervous twitch and stuff.
[Mark:] No, he's had it for a long time.
[Stuart:] Yeah. I'm not... saying he hasn't, but you know... that can be the sign.
[Mark:] You don't say. You could even give the bosses a Christmas
[speaker004:] Would you still work?
[Mark:] present couldn't you? Here you go Mr. I've
[speaker004:] You still work?
[Mark:] bought you this... fifteen up fucking boot.
[Stuart:] Yeah, probably.. Depends how much I won.
[speaker004:] Millions....
[Stuart:] Yeah, I'd probably fuck off for a year and do my own thing and come back and maybe take... take, maybe start my own business. I'd love to start my own car re erm refurbishment business you see. Like... that's how I got that two and a half grand.... By doing up old cars and selling them....
[speaker004:] No way in the world, if I won a million pounds again.
[Stuart:] Yeah?... I'd only do something I enjoyed.
[speaker004:] Yeah....
[Stuart:] Like it's different if you're working for yourself because at the end of the day it all goes in your own pocket. Any, any profit you make.... I dunno. [LAUGHTER] See you in a few years time with fucking.... Cos Charles is off the er... drugs.
[speaker004:] He was reputed to have personally killed five men because he, they done his head in.
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] Amongst them a former work colleague... Tramp.... Alias... Mark.... A reformed hippie... with a food complex....
[Mark:] Stuart the wanker. Alias the git.
[Stuart:] [LAUGHTER]
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] Who is still at large, unknown... whereabouts unknown....
[Mark:] If apprehended... all care should be taken when a
[Stuart:] That's Chris 's right hand man.
[Mark:] when approaching this suspect
[Stuart:] Barry the [LAUGHTER] Barry the weasel
[Mark:] because he smells a bit....
[speaker004:] Then he.
[Stuart:] Yeah and... Chris 's right hand man and Barry the knife.
[speaker004:] this old boy.
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker004:] ... it's the getting caught business innit?
[Stuart:] [LAUGHTER] getting caught business [].... We'd all be criminals if we couldn't get caught....
[Mark:] Have you seen this man?... Chris he done my head in. [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] He done my head in so I shot him in it.
[Mark:] I suppose you almost got kicked out, or... did you?
[Graham:] Eh?
[Mark:] Did you almost get kicked out?
[Graham:] No, get out the house at the time. I don't know what though. Keeping the fucking cup now.... Otherwise I'd have put a brick through your window.
[Mark:] Fucking joking aren't you? Were you out... out of it at the time or what?
[Graham:] No. Come back from work! Half hour at work and it. Bit pissed. me sister
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]...
[Stuart:] I've heard of parents shopping their sisters.
[Mark:] Knowing my old man he'd probably fucking turn me in.... No I doubt if he'd do that. He hates the old bill anyway.
[Graham:] At the end of the day... fuck all wrong with it....
[Mark:] Give me a... sit down and a good fucking stern talking to....
[speaker004:] sister?
[Mark:] Eh?
[speaker004:] sister?
[Mark:] Yeah....
[speaker004:] You got any sisters sisters?
[Graham:] One sister.... Eh?
[speaker004:] She does. What's she like?
[Graham:] Eh? Married with two kids.
[Mark:] Judging by him she must be fucking ugly.... If she's anything like him.
[Graham:] Married with two kids....
[Stuart:] So... do you get on with her?
[Graham:] No.... Don't even speak to her.
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker004:] [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] [LAUGHTER] Take that as a no then. Get on with her? Can't be bothered speaking to her.
[Mark:] She's older than you I take it then?
[Graham:] Don't know where she lives....
[Mark:] She older or younger?
[Stuart:] You don't know where your own sister lives?
[Graham:] No.
[Stuart:] Close family then.
[Graham:] Well I, I'm a right family man I am....
[Mark:] Can't be bothered to get out the fucking house can you?
[Graham:] I know where she used to live. [LAUGHTER]... Have you got a sister?... Know where she lives?
[speaker004:] I've got two.
[Mark:] Are they nice?... Ring me up this piss up.
[speaker004:] She boring though.
[Stuart:] Who's that?
[speaker004:] My sister.
[Graham:] She fucks doesn't she? Your sister.
[Stuart:] I've just deep-throated that banana....
[Mark:] You've had plenty of practice so I hear.
[Stuart:] Karen's been trying to do that. She can't manage it yet. [LAUGHTER]... She'll get... you have to sort of get over the gagging.
[Mark:] Does she?
[speaker004:] Fuck off Stuart. You haven't got a prick big enough.
[Stuart:] Oh come on! No... as soon as it gets anywhere past the top, you only have to have about a four inch dick. So you're alright.
[speaker004:] Yeah I suppose so.
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] . Cos as soon as soon as you get anything down to about there where your swallowing thing is...
[speaker004:] Yeah.
[Stuart:] you have to try and overcome the gagging don't you? I mean you can make your your fingers so you can fucking stick a dick down there.... And every time my, every time she tries a deep-throat she panics. Starts going [mimics retching]
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] So I said is that going [LAUGHTER] is that
[Mark:] Is that alright?
[Stuart:] is that too far? [more retching noises] fucking
[Mark:] [mimics mouth full] [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] It's not, it's not good manners speaking with your mouth full.... She likes giving head but she doesn't like swallowing.... She only swallows as a special treat if I've been really good or something. Or if I'm really
[Mark:] Merry Christmas!
[Stuart:] Yeah. Slurp. Ah.... She hates it. Apparently it's like sucking... I dunno... salty warm yogurt [LAUGHTER]. That sort of consistency.
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker004:] Well I've never heard it de described like that before.
[Stuart:] That's what she says. She says it... the same sort of consistency as yogurt but it's salty and it's warm and it's not very nice at all she said.
[speaker004:] Well you read in them porno mags fucking girls love it.
[Mark:] Yeah I know. If you ever read a porno mag they're fucking
[Stuart:] My last girlfriend used to though.
[Mark:] No mine Jean never.
[Stuart:] She used to, she used to love swallowing it. Oh it was great. I tell you what, I never used to shag her hardly at all. She used to like giving head so much I used to fucking right drop them... yup slurp... that was it. It was fucking... gobble you off in the kitchen with me parents upstairs and stuff like that. You did it without?... fucking mad.
[speaker004:] Well I got up there started fucking going for it.... Wouldn't mind so much but they kept taking the piss out I was wearing my socks. [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] Yeah Mark... apparently he's got the second biggest cock that this had ever seen. Are you sure
[speaker004:] Yeah
[Stuart:] she said you've got the second biggest cock or you are the second biggest cock she's ever seen?
[speaker004:] Fuck off. No she said I've... got the second biggest co cock I mean that she'd ever seen.
[Mark:] She goes round looking at cocks does she?...
[speaker004:] Well yeah, she's fucking must have you know... about a bit.
[Stuart:] And they shagged without a condom.... Do you know how babies are made?
[speaker004:] Yeah. I didn't c
[Stuart:] Do you know about AIDS?
[speaker004:] Yeah.... I didn't come of her.
[Stuart:] You don't have to come of her.
[speaker004:] Didn't get a fucking chance.
[Stuart:] You get a discharge without fucking
[Mark:] It's true.
[speaker004:] semen, really.
[Stuart:] No, not semen.
[speaker004:] I mean it's the sperm that's
[Stuart:] You you either get a pre... a pre-cum... shit out of it. And that contains a small amount of sperm.
[speaker004:] I mean she used to toss, toss me off on the old... and there's, there's... and she used to sit on there... used, used to sit on there... she used to to toss me off and I got this fucking... as she's tossing me off she did this love bite. Oh it was like that.
[Stuart:] That's how fucking this AIDS is spreading. People can't... can't be responsible. They're just shagging without condoms. And if she's had a few your a stupid fucker for even being
[Mark:] Yes.
[Stuart:] up there in the first place without anything.
[speaker004:] told me until afterwards.
[Stuart:] I still wouldn't do it.
[speaker004:] Apparently she's going with some bloke who
[Stuart:] There's no way I would fucking shag a girl
[Mark:] No it's fucking
[Stuart:] without...
[Mark:] No. Not with somebody you've just met. Obviously if... you're having a long-term relationship... and you know she's not shagging anybody else and she's not on the... and she is on the pill....
[Stuart:] The day that I first shagged Karen without a condom was about fucking two, two or three months into a relationship.... We'd been shagging for about a month....
[Mark:] So were you shagging... Jenny with a condom as well?
[Stuart:] Yeah.... All the time.... She was on the pill... as well but she
[Mark:] Yeah I know. But I mean
[Stuart:] I'm not stupid....
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] I know enough about fucking AIDS and shit to worry about it....
[speaker004:] Really for women though.... women.
[Stuart:] Do they?... I don't, I peo blokes seems to say oh yeah I hate using condoms. You wouldn't catch me using one of them. But... I don't feel as if, I mean it's... it's not the most pleasant thing in the world but it's certainly fucking sa it's safer than a lot of their more... easier to put on and take off than and fucking safer and more effective than a lot of their contraception devices.... And er
[speaker004:] four johnnies sitting
[Stuart:] and
[Mark:] Eh? The what?
[speaker004:] Four johnnies.
[Stuart:] I don't know. I just I just don't see why blokes don't use them.
[speaker004:] Got and two... extra sensitive.
[Stuart:] I mean it's not as good as... without but... it's still fucking good....
[speaker004:] don't really care do you?
[Stuart:] If you don't find it good with a condom there's something wrong with you.
[speaker004:] Hallo, who's been nicking suits?
[Graham:] When you going to... France, tomorrow Mark?
[Mark:] Er Sunday.
[Graham:] What's this, with The Sun?
[Mark:] No I do well I don't know. No idea....
[Graham:] Usually the old Sun every year don't they?
[Mark:] Yeah.... No I think theirs was a couple of weeks ago.... Because that... that Zeebrugge disaster was The Sun as well wasn't it?
[speaker004:] Why bother going... why go on Sunday?... Why go on Sunday, closed?
[Graham:] No.
[Stuart:] No.
[Mark:] No. Not in France....
[speaker004:] Never been to France.
[Mark:] It's only in England that it's all closed. Or Britain that it's all closed....
[speaker004:] Been through it. Isle of Wight. Yeah. I can't remember.
[Mark:] I've been to Calais before. I hope we go to Boulogne next time. They reckon that Boulogne's better.
[speaker004:] Been to the Isle of Wight....
[Stuart:] Wow.
[Mark:] See old Sarah's been kidnapped on Emmerdale Farm?...
[Stuart:] Don't watch it....
[Mark:] Do you watch it Cherub? No you wouldn't. You'd be down the pub wouldn't you? Thinking of missing the Friday night sesh then Cherub?
[Graham:] I'm tempted at the moment I'm telling you....
[Mark:] You footballing tomorrow or not?
[Graham:] No. Lay in....
[speaker004:] Why ain't there no football tomorrow?
[Graham:] Too far to go. Sheffield Wednesday.
[Mark:] That's just... couple of junctions up from Nottingham.
[Graham:] About another hour er er about another hour? Hour and a bit.
[speaker004:] you could go and see.
[Mark:] Yeah.
[Graham:] not in a....
[speaker004:] ...
[Mark:] Mister himself.
[Stuart:] No apparently... I'd gone in the bog, I wasn't feeling bad or anything. He said, said you were just standing there and all of a sudden he said you looked at me... looked back at the wall just went... pee... he said it's all come out, it's all splattered all over the wall... he said, you did your fly up, wiped your mouth, washed your hands and went out again as if nothing had happened. He said I was left stood there with this other mate on me other side going... [LAUGHTER] what's he had to drink []? I can't remember fuck all about it. But this must be the first time I've puked for... about two years. But I had a lot to drink and that's that time I was telling you about. Fucking fifteen pints or something. I was telling Mark they reckon I climbed up the outs the outside of a fucking... multi-storey car park for two flights. Oh I do... I sort of I do do things like that. I can't remember that but
[speaker004:] this... this girl at fucking Wokingham fair. This girl she was well and she got on this fucking roundabout... you know, one that swings out? She got on there and you could see she was gonna throw. She had... a pile of fucking chips and
[Stuart:] You're not gonna say this old couple fucking put their hand out and
[speaker004:] No, she took... on there she's gone ooer all the fucking way round. There was puke all the way round. silly bitch.
[Stuart:] I can't remember nothing about this. I can't remember... apparently like I said... I I didn't say I'm gonna be sick. I didn't look it I just stood there... apparently fucking splattered against the wall, dribbled down and I didn't fucking. I just wiped my mouth and washed my hands.... Yeah there's this multi-storey car park. Go down... go down a level for the first
[speaker004:] Yeah.
[Stuart:] And there's like a brick wall about that high and there's two flights above it. And what say where's, where's the old car? on the second floor. virtually second and me and this matey said go on, race you. Right? So he's fucking ground floor so I thought fuck this.... And I got up on the wall... right? Got up on the wall
[Mark:] He did his donkey climb bit didn't you Stu?
[Stuart:] leapt across the like fucking ledge, you know they're not very high erm presumably
[Mark:] Sixteen foot across it was.
[Stuart:] get to this ledge. Climbed up the outside of this ledge you know like car park. Stood on the of that wall... reached up, pulled myself up that wall. stood there
[Mark:] [singing] []
[Stuart:] Where the fucking hell's the car then? Where the hell the car then?. And all the time he's on the ground floor.
[Mark:] And all because Stuart loves black [LAUGHTER] black magic [].
[Stuart:] And all I could remember and all the... the only thing I can remember about that was... running after the car with.
[speaker004:] Do what?
[Stuart:] Fucking messing about something and I can't remember a thing about it.
[Mark:] [singing] []
[Stuart:] You do that when you're pissed. I do anyway. I... do fucking... when I do silly things like I rip bus stop signs
[Mark:] It's only cos you're a wanker isn't he? [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] bus stop si bus stop signs off the fucking things.
[speaker004:] He's taking the piss out of you.
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] Nick road signs and stuff....
[Mark:] [singing] []
[Stuart:] That's the last thing you've ever done you cunt.
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] Fucking nea ooh... groin strain.... Fucking as I did that me whole fucking foot went.
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER] [singing] []
[Stuart:] I never know whether they're taking the piss or not cos I can't remember it. I have about eight pints and I blank out.... I can't remember anything about the whole evening.... Just like, like bits and pieces.
[Mark:] Stu. Should you wish to accept this mission.... This pint of Guinness will self-destruct in five seconds.
[speaker004:] Yeah. got really pissed and can't remember what you've done.
[Stuart:] It's bad.
[speaker004:] have a pint of erm. Wait wait waiting for them to say something.
[Stuart:] Yeah.... I said... one night er this matey's come up to me, and he's like one of me mates and that and he said fucking hell you had a skinful the other night didn't you? I said who told you that? He says you stupid cunt [LAUGHTER] I was out with you most of the evening []. I couldn't even remember he was fucking sat there with me.
[speaker004:] me mate down Torquay. Yeah. I thought he was down Devon? Said no he come back Friday. He goes party Friday Friday night
[Group Of Unknown Speakers:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker004:] That was the first I knew about it.
[Mark:] [LAUGHTER]
[Stuart:] Well I never do, I haven't even been doing anything. All I do is fucking drink.... It'd be a right nightmare if I did drugs as well. Wouldn't know what the fuck was going on.
[Mark:] Bit like here.
[speaker004:] about fucking I'll have a pint of lager please.
[Stuart:] I drunk these fifteen pints and I fucking looked as if I was dead.
[speaker004:] I wouldn't drink
[Stuart:] All I did, all me and my mate did was sit there all day Sun Saturday... and just fucking veg out in front of the telly.
[speaker004:] Feeling rough?
[Stuart:] Yeah, feeling fucking rough. And I... last Friday I had, I had a skinful as well.... That's why I went sh I had a hangover, a raging fucking hangover
[speaker004:] Thing is don't skinful.
[Stuart:] You watch, he'll get in that pub and fi first thing he'll fucking do is I'll have a pint of lager please.
[Mark:] Be on the fucking wagon.
[Stuart:] The first one may take a bit of time getting down but after that it
[speaker004:] It always does. Always does till about nine o'clock.
[Stuart:] it'll... oh the first or three always t and they always fucking take their time getting down.
[speaker004:] Yeah. Once they go down though you've started
[Mark:] It's totally the opposite with me. If I've got my drinking head on it'll be the first three pints in about fifteen minutes if that.
[Stuart:] Oh no I can't do that.... If I was left to it the first pint would go about
[Mark:] I did that in fucking
[Stuart:] thirty minutes, forty minutes. The second pint about thirty minutes. And then after that I'd be drinking like a pint every twenty minutes or so.
[Mark:] No, I fucking... once upon a time I used to be able to do it.... It's fucking... rock and roll.
[Stuart:] like if... say we would, we would get out by about seven. By about nine o'clock right... my mate would have say five or six pints inside him and I'd have two pints sat there on the fucking table. And he'd be call oh you lightweight, you gonna drink it? And I'd be going fuck off, they're mine sort of thing. By... by half ten by half ten he'd have a fucking pint sitting there and I'll be going come on then you cunt. Get the next round in.
[Mark:] What time is it chaps?
[Stuart:] Ten past.
[Mark:] What time?
[Stuart:] Ten past.
[Mark:] Ten past?
[Stuart:] Yeah....
[Mark:] Ten past?
[Stuart:] [shouting] Ten fucking past []. Ten pa
[Mark:] So what?
[Stuart:] Ten past.... I thought it was about half three or something. That's what.... It's fucking shot by and I ain't done any work.
[Mark:] So what's new?
[Stuart:] It doesn't normally shoot by though.