[Emma:] Oh, has it gone round a bit?
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] Yeah, it's gone round a bit now.
[speaker002:] Yeah.
[Emma:] Well... we had... oh I'm... trying to think what we had today... oh got out of assembly... because... I had to go and speak to this maths teacher who's dead boring!... Mr... but like... I pretended I had to go and see him... not because I had to go and see him just because I didn't wanna go to assembly really!
[Helena:] Oh!
[Emma:] Cos I'm like that!
[Helena:] We haven't, we haven't got assembly at the moment cos like... you know that erm... musical?
[Emma:] Oh yeah.
[Helena:] It's all, all that but... ooh, that's a groovy [LAUGHTER] stage []!... Oh What!
[Emma:] Oh yeah
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]... left over... left over at and stuff which
[Emma:] Oh yes
[Helena:] Oh... we've made these telephones!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]... And well look
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] Well we know that now []!
[Helena:] Yeah but it's just
[Emma:] Ah gee... Have a look if Shaun and Joanna are back, oh yeah they are.... I said I'd go down there but the, like the car wasn't there so I didn't go back.... [sighing] Oh dear []!
[Helena:] I didn't, I didn't know Joe was out actually.
[Emma:] Yes.
[Helena:] Isn't Scott down there?
[Emma:] No, he's gone to a... play at the college... [LAUGHTER] and a []... yeah... I was er like... when I realised... that had come on I thought... does he know? [LAUGHTER] Just don't say anything []!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] And thought that they were picking his nose []!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Maybe he's not in []!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] I thought, oh never mind []!... Put the phone down again. [LAUGHTER]... And then I thought, well you can always and like say, can you tell Scott! [LAUGHTER]... And I will []
[Helena:] Can you tell I've come on so I'm not pregnant!... [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] Alright?... And I thought like... his mum might not find that really amusing or anything
[Helena:] Yeah.
[Emma:] so... and I thought I could just leave him sort of like... a message that was subtle enough
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] so he'd know, like... erm
[Helena:] Tell him he's not a daddy!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] Yes []!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] ring..., could you tell Scott that er... that erm... oh God, I don't know!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] Actually I was thinking of some really good, funny things I could say earlier
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] I can't think of any now!... Things like erm... oh yeah, could yo... could you tell Scott that... er, he doesn't have to go to church [LAUGHTER] and pray any more, something like that []!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]... Tell him he doesn't have to go to confession with Helena! [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] That's right []!... Oh gee!
[Helena:] He doesn't have to book me an appointment [LAUGHTER] at the clinic []!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] Ooh I wonder what that could be about?
[Emma:] ... Er, like this morning at break... I walked, I walked straight past Peter right... and er... come up to me and he goes... that's not very nice is it?
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] I thought what! He... just walked straight past me, oh well I'm so sorry and he goes... what's wrong with you anyway lately?... Nothing!... [LAUGHTER] Nothing wrong with me []!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] Nothing at all!
[Helena:] It's!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]... Oh Pete can I talk to you about something []?
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] Oh... [LAUGHTER] Shrimpy made me laugh me about it... cracks me up like []!
[Helena:] Ah, look at the, look, just look at this letter he wrote me!
[Emma:] Ah Pete, yeah... he was saying
[Helena:] I i
[Emma:] Joe was saying how... how he was really embarrassed cos he showed your mum or something!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]... My mum goes what letter's that? I goes oh it, you read it.... Like... like all the way to it I was thinking
[Emma:] [reading letter] Helena, I don't really know how to put this but I... I'll have a go. []... I thought he said I've got to go! [LAUGHTER] I was gonna say bye []!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]... That's a long letter then!
[Emma:] [reading] I'm sorry about being in a mood Saturday but I wasn't really in a mood with you. I know I told you that I was but I was feeling sorry for someone, not Emma... or anyone like that. [LAUGHTER] Oh dear []!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] I care for Emma more than... I can say, but I also care for you and I'm really sorry if you were hurt. []
[Helena:] Excuse me! Excuse me! Excuse me!... Wuargh!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] Oh [].
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] I had to [] in that!
[Emma:] At the moment everyone has been talking about other people behind... people's backs... yeah Shrimp, you got good English!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] I didn't tell you what Emma thought
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Just in case you're catching this bit []!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] that's cos I don't know. I don't think a person... told, who apologises isn't really an apology but I thought there must a reason why you didn't.
[Helena:] Yeah.
[Emma:] Ah oh!
[Helena:] I know he, he can't write! [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] And Joe told me on Sunday
[Helena:] You're illiterate!
[Emma:] why yo, you didn't. I was going to apologise for being... stupid on Sunday when you both disappeared. Me and Andy looked all over for you both... last night I had a few things on my mind
[Helena:] Didn't look very well, we were walking down by the side of the road []!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] but []
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] things on my mind... er, my... my mind to... be able to apologise.
[Helena:] Oh... [LAUGHTER] I'm sorry []!
[Emma:] and hope we can still be friends? Love [LAUGHTER] to be []!
[Helena:] Well whe, when I got to that bit I went... I mean I was feeling a lit, wasn't, I'm gonna barf!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] Oh I'm going... urgh!
[Helena:] I just thought... get a life!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] You know how []
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Give me that!
[Emma:] He makes me laugh... he always writes in capital letters doesn't he?
[Helena:] Mm.
[Emma:] And
[Helena:] Join in! [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] Oh you sound like Mrs
[Helena:] Yeah!
[Emma:] !
[Helena:] Wow!
[Emma:] Well... and he wrote me this letter saying erm... saying... I, I realise that there's been something on your mind recently... and I hope you can talk to me about it. Oh yeah, by the Shrimp... I could of got pregnant!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] Things like... and I know you can talk to me
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] because you've got the world's problems and everything []!
[Helena:] Ah, it ju, although, I mean, just when you said that just reminded me that time Hannah!... I'll never
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] Oh God!... I was just bor, the rest of my days!
[Helena:] You joked me about what she should of in the day?
[Emma:] Yeah, yeah... oh
[Helena:] When.
[Emma:] God!
[Helena:] What, what what exactly
[Emma:] I was staying on... I said... oh er, yeah... cos yo, had Joe saying you were disappointed that I couldn't say it to your face! And I said, ah yeah, but she didn't say it to my face, did you see
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] and er... and erm... and... Joe was saying this to Shrimpy I think, or so... I think she was saying to Shrimpy
[Helena:] Mm.
[Emma:] and erm
[Helena:] Hannah...
[Emma:] Yeah, Hannah Hannah 's got a twitch! And was going, I know what she said, [LAUGHTER] I was there []!
[Helena:] Oh!
[Emma:] I'm thinking... I'm sure you were Hannah because actually you were inside and they were outside, there's like a door and the rest of the house between you!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] I think, ah gee! But... I can't believe that girl... oh Scott tells me everything!
[Helena:] Like I ju, honestly I
[Emma:] Oh yes!
[Helena:] Scott, Scott, Scott told me what it was all about and I was going, [LAUGHTER] not to me! It's me here []!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] Oh yeah []!
[Helena:] It might be and oh ah... I was just sat there going... mm, yes I believe Hannah!... You
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] you don't actually know anything that we're talking about!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] Because... we hate you! [LAUGHTER] But there you go []!
[Emma:] No I don't hate her she just annoys me badly!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] That's all []!
[Emma:] She made... ee she made a Heather a birthday cake the other day... and I, I've got say actually this cake was pretty good... but like, she had to take it to school!... I mean, the girl is sad! If you're gonna take a birthday cake to school... I mean, that is sad isn't it?
[Helena:] My brain's [LAUGHTER] just died []!
[Emma:] But that is very very sad! But like er, she took it sch to school... and Scott was giving us a lift to school... so didn't have to walk... and she's in the car and she's going if this gets... if this gets all smashed up Scott I hope you realise I'm blaming you! And she was serious! I was thinking
[Helena:] I would of turned round and ge get out
[Emma:] I did
[Helena:] get out the fucking car! [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] I sa, I said... I just went... I just said to her look... Hannah you don't have to come in the car! And like, I said it jokingly but wi with
[Helena:] Mm.
[Emma:] like a sort of [LAUGHTER] you know []
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Sort of with a sort of I'm dying to stick this knife [LAUGHTER] in your back []!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] Yes.
[Helena:] Oh!
[Emma:] Oh, did you see Inspector Morse last night?
[Helena:] No I saw the very end bit.
[Emma:] Did you see the... where's she... where that girl stabbed er... her... what was that girl in? I was sat there, me and my dad were going, [LAUGHTER] what has she been in []?
[Helena:] She was in erm
[Emma:] Got a really irritating voice hasn't she?
[Helena:] You know where there was that... there was the young girl... and there was the old wo, oldish woman who was supposed to be a film star or something?
[Emma:] Oh yeah! That thing where erm... she, she worked for him so that
[Helena:] Yeah.
[Emma:] she lived in that hotel.
[Helena:] Mm.
[Emma:] Oh yes, I know that!... Oh that thing that was supposed
[Helena:] It was crap wasn't it!
[Emma:] to be funny!... That stupid
[Helena:] Everyone thought the
[Emma:] irritating little dog and th, the... and Ted out of Grange Hill [LAUGHTER] porter []!
[Helena:] Yeah.... Did you watch the one where you wanted to go... mm I'd like to casserole that dog!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] Yeah []!
[Helena:] [sighing] Ahhh []!
[Emma:] Ah dear!
[Helena:] What a mouth!... I wonder if they let you
[Emma:] Look
[Helena:] keep the tapes? [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] I've only used one! Keep all the rest, I've had nineteen []!
[Emma:] Your.
[Helena:] You know?
[Emma:] Look
[Helena:] Say nothing!
[Emma:] this is, this is sad I am and how worried I've been... this has been round my neck! [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] My luckiest lucky pendant []!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] Lucky is looking bent... which has been bent and battered []! It's like, got scrapings out of it and everything and... and it's in this little lovely... container or something down my neck!
[Helena:] I, I bet, I bet i I bet it's the first time in your life you felt... [LAUGHTER] shi, yes come on []!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] [] which I'm saying, you can hold m, you can hold me to this, I will never ever ever complain about being on again in my life!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] But I think
[Helena:] Ah dear!
[Emma:] I'll just... boycott that now [LAUGHTER] and start complaining!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] Ah dear!
[Helena:] And we nearly made Andy sick yesterday, it was so funny! We was going like... because like, we was talking about it... and er... [LAUGHTER] he goes
[Emma:] About what?
[Helena:] Periods.
[Emma:] Oh, being on! [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Yes []... And er, like I said... er I was, like I was talking to like he was
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] Yeah []!
[Helena:] I goes... yeah it was... you know i... the worst time is in assembly and you think... oh Jesus! And you stand up and you like... you like mm, accidentally rub your hand on your arse
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] just to make sure!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] sure, yeah []!
[Helena:] And you look at the chair just to make sure there isn't a pool on there!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] Yeah []!
[Helena:] And you walk away going... [LAUGHTER] like this... you know... ooh let's squeeze my legs in as much as possible []!
[Emma:] Yeah....
[Helena:] We thought we'd start with [LAUGHTER] an interesting topic []!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]... Well why not! It's what we talk about all the time anyway!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Yeah []!
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] I tell you when we'll have to put this on... on Saturday night!... But, when everyone's gone when it's just us three!
[Emma:] Oh yeah!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] That'll be a right one!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] My dog's a virgin []!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] My dog's a big dobbo []!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] I'll never forget that... I will never forget that, I had, I'll told my mum like that we... I told my mum we'd be sleeping over and she said that was alright... and she sort of looked at me as if to say... mm, yes... will Helena's brother be there? Yes, Helena's brother will there all night, mum! Jimmy Hill!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Not that she's sleeping at Clare's are we []?
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] No []!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] It's a bit.
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] Oh wild []!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] He will be back about... ooh eleven o'clock in the morning []!
[Emma:] Oh no!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Look at me weep []!
[Emma:] ... I'm really disappointed cos I don't think my mum will let me stay now!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]... I think you're just gonna rush home and tell her and everything else!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] Yeah! Course I am!... Oh mum... I've decided not to sleep at Helena's because... her nice brother's gonna be there! Mum goes, well do you wanna stay there if the dog's gonna be there?
[Helena:] Oh no
[Emma:] No
[Helena:] I'll put the dog in the shed!
[Emma:] .... No mum, actually erm... I'm not gonna go down to Helena's and wi,wi, you know... with the dogs
[Helena:] I'm gonna come home...
[Emma:] Perhaps have the riot you know!
[Helena:] They're all gonna be... being arsed out their faces!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] Everyone's just gonna be laying on the floor going... God... I'm arsed!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] I'm blood thirsty!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] Everybody's just gonna have a real riot! And then... Helena, Joanne and me would be sleeping over... but because they've got a dog I'm not going to sleep!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] In case it spits on me []!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Yeah []!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] Again []!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Again []!
[Emma:] No but like... I said to my mum it'll be alright because... your do, your brother'll be in all evening won't he Helena?
[Helena:] Honestly, yeah!
[Emma:] Honest guv!
[Helena:] My brother, my brother really wants to... did, did you know Pete... like, phoned me up yesterday
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] and like... I thought, I had to make up an excuse why I went out!... Cos ever, like my mum and my brother were in when I got home. So I came home... [LAUGHTER] and I goes []
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] and he go... and mum goes where have you been? I goes, oh there's been arguments again!... Oh there's... you spend all your time sorting out other people's arguments and I'm not as thick as that!
[Emma:] Actually mum, I'm not!
[Helena:] Stick the V's up at you mum!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Behind the wall of course! I don't think I'll go... I don't want to have a broken nose! And er... and er []
[Emma:] Got any nail clippers?
[Helena:] Yeah... er... there!
[Emma:] Ah!
[Helena:] And er
[Emma:] Dog brush... ooh!
[Helena:] Yeah.... [LAUGHTER] Looks like a dog's brush []
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] Ooh! ooh! ooh! ooh!
[Helena:] do you think? Just see if you
[Emma:] Erm
[Helena:] can say it before anybody
[Emma:] excuse me!
[Helena:] else!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] What?
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] I've got a red one of those []!
[Helena:] Oh! Yeah, but it's not as big as... it's... not the same size as that is it?
[Emma:] No, cos yours is a cat brush and mine's a dog brush!
[Helena:] Oh sorry!
[Emma:] ... Dog!
[Helena:] You calling me a cat?
[Emma:] Yes! Are you calling me a dog?
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]... I hope so!
[Helena:] foxy chick! [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]... Alright then, I'll let you off!
[Helena:] Ah!
[Emma:] Erm... did I tell you about that Lucy and Ricky? When Lucy reckoned Ricky didn't want her any more? [LAUGHTER] And I goes... do this to Ricky... go up to Lucy and go... yo, hot chick! [LAUGHTER] Come over to my place I'll drop my trousers and we can have a quickie []!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] And he did []!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]... And what did she say? Er... sorry
[Emma:] Nothing could of told her that I, I to, I told her and she goes
[Helena:] What did she say?
[Emma:] I told her say something really, really stupid like... like... okay then steaming dude [LAUGHTER] or something []!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] Alright then.... Okay!
[Helena:] And then, where was I? Oh yeah!... So I came home, my mum goes what you be,wha what's happening anyway? I goes... ah Shrimpy's been having a massive go at Pete he's threatened to punch his face in and [LAUGHTER] all this business []!
[Emma:] Gosh you ge, I bet Pete was worried!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] I know []!... But he was, he was threatening him anyway... and... he said Pete was
[Emma:] What from Friday night?... Do you know about what?
[Helena:] No, no he's been befo, been... after that! Yeah.
[Emma:] Why?... Woh,Christ
[Helena:] She's been in a shop with him I think.
[Emma:] They'll.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Yeah, they'll []!... Erm... why, why was he doing that on Friday?
[Emma:] Yeah, well apparently right... well in case you didn't
[Helena:] Well she's got a theory but go on
[Emma:] in case you didn't notice... I was in rather a little bit of a mood on Friday!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Were you []?
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] I didn't try to hide it oddly enough []!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Oddly enough!... I went... cos... it was then I goes to Pete, oh no I ought to go out really, and he goes no you're not! [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Sort of looked at me and went... okay
[Emma:] Well if you
[Helena:] I'm not arguing []!
[Emma:] if you want my body, you know... you've got it!... You only have to ask once! [LAUGHTER] But like erm
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] I wonder if they listen to these?... If you are listening
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] er... I know I look like a real goody goody and everything... I'm not really []!
[Emma:] Anyhow, the man
[Helena:] Go on.
[Emma:] with the man
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] I thought Woh!... I was so tempted to sit there and say... excuse me dear... you need a shave! [LAUGHTER]... Or, excuse me you look like my dad twenty years ago!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]... That exci, it's alright this thing from the past, he did remind me of someone actually. Mr [LAUGHTER] that's who it is []!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Mr,.
[Emma:] Ooh ooh fiddle with my moustache!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] I bet they know you
[Emma:] Anyway, right what was it about
[Helena:] cos they won't be able to understand a thing we are saying! Going ooh!
[Emma:] Er er er er er!
[Helena:] I I!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] And we're talking at the same time as well?
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]... Oh let's not all talk at the same time! Let's be Magic Roundabout people!
[Emma:] So... they want a realistic conversation
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] then do they?
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] No let's... let's loo
[Emma:] Anyway, where was I? I was saying, oh yeah... erm Shrimpy like, we, me and Scott were playing snooker... and I, I came in to see if like, either of... you, anyone else wanted to play doubles... and like,Swimp, Shrimpy was just sat by himself in the middle of the floor, cross-legged just sat there like a little pixie or something!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]... Well, no not a little
[Emma:] And I just went
[Helena:] six foot three pixie []!
[Emma:] Right, so a six foot three pixie, never mind! But like... he was just sat there!... And I went over, I goes you alright? He goes, yes! Oh sorry!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] Please forgive me! I goes, do you wanna go, go and play snooker? So he goes, yeah alright then. Oh come on you can be on my side... cos it was obvious, like, he was just sort of sat there.
[Helena:] Mm.
[Emma:] And erm... and then like, he went back in after we'd finished playing and me and Scott carried on playing for a bit... and then erm... what was he going? Oh yeah, he told me afterwards right, that he, the only reason he was angry was because Friday night reminded him of the time in his past or something!... And Pete reminded him of, him of the person that he hated and all this!... And I was thinking... Shrimpy, you're stupid!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Get a life []!
[Emma:] You sure!... [sighing] Oh []! And then, cos I thought boy!
[Helena:] So what did he do? What did Shrimpy do on Friday night?
[Emma:] Oh, he told Richard... Richard that he was, he was gonna se, he wanted to smack Pete's face in!... [LAUGHTER] Oh yeah!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] So what did Richard do?
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] Course, Richard who keeps everything to himself [LAUGHTER]!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]... Richard... not known as Mersey Tunnel Gob [LAUGHTER] or anything []!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] [sighing] Oh dear []!
[Emma:] Oh dear I couldn't believe it though! I mean that is sad!
[Helena:] Ahhh no! I can't believe it! But... Pete reckoned it was because like... cos like... Pete's seeing Susan
[Emma:] Mm.
[Helena:] and like
[Emma:] Then he was with you.
[Helena:] and he was with me
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] and he reckoned Pete was a total bastard and everything! Even though he doesn't know Susan he a
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] he reckons... Pete's cheating on Susan, he's been really bad to Helena as well he's just using them and all
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] this business.
[Emma:] But, in a way I mean like, I thought that as well, but then I thought... well that's stupid that is because... you weren't as... as bad as Pete was were you? I mean, let's face it
[Helena:] I mean, who's taking advantage of him
[Emma:] You were ta, you were taking advantage, not him!
[Helena:] I mean, on both times it's been me taking advantage of him, it really
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] because
[Emma:] I mean he
[Helena:] he's been both times and I haven't.
[Emma:] Let's face it... you fancy him don't you? He knows that!... And
[Helena:] Mm mm
[Emma:] like... he just... I mean he just... you know, he's there isn't he, at the time?
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] He thinks like, okay fair enough... lets have a bit of snog you know, fair enough, whatever else! But like
[Helena:] He's so funny though! He cracked me up, he goes... like, like with that I mean
[Emma:] And Shrimpy fancies you rotten anyway! That's the only the reason!... He's probably just jealous!
[Helena:] Well like I said, I said that, I said that to Pete and Pete goes, God I wish he'd make up his mind!
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] So he'd obviously sa... not said it, I mean Pete was really shocked! He'd
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] obviously not said anything to Pete about me
[Emma:] Mm.
[Helena:] so I dunno!
[Emma:] He said it to Andy though, and I mean... I don't, I don't know, Andy really surprises me because like... he always seems to be like, the quiet one doesn't it? I mean, when we're all like, laughing and joking and everything he's like, oh yeah really in with it... but when everyone's like arguing or whatever he... he
[Helena:] Mm.
[Emma:] doesn't get involved because everything revolves round him doesn't it?
[Helena:] Yeah.
[Emma:] But like... everybody,eve
[Helena:] It's his house everyone goes to isn't it?
[Emma:] Everybody seems to... Andy seems to know everything! Like, Andy knows about me!... And like, Scott told me... and... thinking about it... if I'd of been in... in the frame, frame of mind that I'm in know for example, I would of sort of... pah! What right has he got to know or anything? But like, I don't mind... cos I know he won't say anything.
[Helena:] Mm.
[Emma:] I mean... flipping talk about keeping it a secret! I went to the door last night... ten minutes after Scott had told him... and like, I was crying... at the door, and he goes... ahh, is something not wrong like, you know? And he was being nice, but sort of, jokingly nice... and I goes... oh yeah, you know?... And er, he goes... oh I don't expect, has it got anything to do with Helena and Joan? I said, oh no nothing to do with them... and he goes ah, Shrimpy then? I said no. And like, I'd no idea that he knew! And
[Helena:] Mm.
[Emma:] erm... like he's really nice like that though.
[Helena:] Yeah, I know
[Emma:] I re, I'd... I mean, I don't fancy him, no... fair enough... he's ugly... in my opinion!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Yeah.
[Emma:] But, I really do like, I'm, I'm always
[Helena:] He's a really nice person! I mean... the... I mean, like, I mean, people say it that a personality makes up for like, looks or whatever, and with hi, he's the only person I've ever met where it really really does!
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] His personality is just so nice! And he's
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] such a lovely person he really is! You know... and I
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] just think ahhh, you know?
[Emma:] That's, I tell you what that's the one person that, sitting here thinking now, I can't think... of any time... where I've been angry with Andrew
[Helena:] No.
[Emma:] at all.
[Helena:] Like I get, I mess about with him and like
[Emma:] Yeah!
[Helena:] cos like, he told everyone about me and Pete and everything, you know?
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]... Like what him and Joe had an argument about.... But er... you know?
[Emma:] So you're not gonna say that on the tape [LAUGHTER] then are you Hel []?
[Helena:] No, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna say it on the tape,!... But I mean... he did, well he, he knew, I told him
[Emma:] Mm.
[Helena:] but I mean, him and Joe were in the room at the same time.
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] You know, and I... you know, I sort of told him. [LAUGHTER] Well I did
[Emma:] Mm.
[Helena:] tell him []! And he, but he didn't actually tell anybody.
[Emma:] Mm.
[Helena:] I mean, he made a few comments a but... nothing that anybody could tell.
[Emma:] No.
[Helena:] I mean, everybody knows now anyway.
[Emma:] Yeah.... To do, can you really see them all?
[Helena:] What?
[Emma:] The
[Helena:] What?
[Emma:] The... them things.
[Helena:] No, I di, I had one on my neck
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] I had one
[Emma:] The things that we're not actually mentioning!
[Helena:] I had one there
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] you might just
[Emma:] Well a
[Helena:] be able to see the last little of it.
[Emma:] I can't actually see it, no.
[Helena:] And I've got a ye... nice yellow bruise there.
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] And I've got one on my back.
[Emma:] And can you see that one? Let's have a butchers!... Where?
[Helena:] Thought it was... just there somewhere. It's probably gone now actually.
[Emma:] Yeah
[Helena:] Just there.
[Emma:] think it has.
[Helena:] It was just there.
[Emma:] No, I can't see anything.
[Helena:] But there wa, I've got
[Emma:] Just there.
[Helena:] a nice yellow bruise still there.
[Emma:] You can see the one that Scott done the other day. You know I've got that school shirt with the big collar?
[Helena:] Mhm.
[Emma:] Like
[Helena:] Joanne told me about that you
[Emma:] the
[Helena:] can see it straight through it!
[Emma:] the shirt and the collar and you could still see it! And it was like, I'm not joking, it was the colour of that!
[Helena:] Mm.
[Emma:] And it was there a week, oh well, at the last, the last thing I saw of it was like, Monday night... and when did he give it me?... The Sat, the we, the Saturday a week before!... And I swear, it really hurt! And it right on as well, just there!
[Helena:] Mm.
[Emma:] Really really hurt it did!... And it wasn't, oh God! And we only did it as a joke!... [LAUGHTER] you []!
[Helena:] I didn't even know they were there to be quite honest.... I got
[Emma:] Mm.
[Helena:] up the next morning... and, cos I had that... you know, that stripy top on?
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] And my mum, my mum was sat in... The Weathers with me... and I'd talked to her and everything and I didn't even know that that
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] one was there! And like, [LAUGHTER]... but like, I got up the next morning and I just went... oh Jesus!
[Emma:] But there was
[Helena:] They were like
[Emma:] this one
[Helena:] still
[Emma:] and
[Helena:] up there and the one on my back as well!
[Emma:] And Scott, Scott did this and like... and erm... he goes... oh it's not that bad! And I goes, oh you stupid git! Why did you have to do it there for, you know? Put my school shirt on, oh you won't see it! Oh no won't see it with that flipping big collar on my school shirt! Actually, you couldn't see it, but you could see it through anyway so it didn't make really that much difference. But like, I got the mirror down and like, I looked at it... and whether it was the light or whether it just hadn't come up cos it was only like, a few seconds afterwards
[Helena:] Mm.
[Emma:] I looked at it and it was just like sort of, light brown... and I thought oh that's not too bad! I got home and it was like, glowing [LAUGHTER] and I'm thinking oh my God! There was like, arrows pointed to it still []!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]... I mean, I only had that one on my neck and I thought... and like I was... I was [LAUGHTER] []!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] Wi, with your polos on []!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] collars []!
[Emma:] all round you!
[Helena:] Like, my dad le, like I was doing the crossword or something my dad leant over me and I went, yeah, oh really! [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] I haven't actually got a neck!
[Emma:] Yeah, that was like me, I mean like... I'd, I wasn't bad... like, cos all the time I was just wearing like polo necks or like... shirts with high collars and stuff cos it wasn't actually on my neck it was just like on my, this one.
[Helena:] Mm.
[Emma:] I don't know what that is actually? It's a collarbone.
[Helena:] Collarbone yeah.
[Emma:] But like erm... pyjamas, cos you know I wo, I usually wear those ones with like... low neck or like
[Helena:] Yeah.
[Emma:] my babygro or something.
[Helena:] Mm.
[Emma:] So like, there was me sort of all of a sudden wearing like... old T-shirts and stuff in bed so that I'd got quite high collars and mum was sort of going
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] aren't your pyjamas clean? Yeah, they're clean but I wanna clear up spots on my back! [LAUGHTER]... Yeah, still wanna clear up the spots on my back. Can you see through here mum?
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]... Oh dear!
[Helena:] I mean, I mean it wo... that was pro, the lightest one on my
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] neck!
[Emma:] That was lucky really in a way
[Helena:] Oh!
[Emma:] isn't it?
[Helena:] And I was thinking, oh... I wa... honestly I didn't know they were there.
[Emma:] But like, Scott was going to me... he was going to me, oh stop complaining or I'll give you one your tit, like and... I goes... well I wouldn't mind so much if it was on my, I wear a bra all the time
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] you know I mean
[Helena:] Yeah.
[Emma:] you don't even take your bra off to do P E or whatever! I mean, no one 's gonna see it there are they?... You're flipping... massive one! I dunno.... If... Zena saw it... and, and made a... a subtle comments like
[Helena:] Mm.
[Emma:] you know
[Helena:] Oh got a nasty
[Emma:] Ah
[Helena:] bruise there! [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] Yeah, actually se, I sa, actually she said... oh what, have you been walking into this time?
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] Hah, shut up! Shut up before I punch your face in! But like erm... no one else saw it. But, I tell you what, it was so embarrassing! The, it was the Mo, the Monday after the Saturday got, the Saturday it was done, I had P E... oh great!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] So there's me like... I'm sat in first lesson we have... P E last lesson... sat in the first lesson... and I'm th, I've thought... God my bra strap feels really lose!... So I'm right... I thought... oh my God!... There's a gap in between, they're not attached any more!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] What would you do []?....... I mean, like, okay it wasn't bad I mean... let's face it and I'm not exactly flipping... Dolly Parton am I?!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] exploding everywhere wouldn't she []! But like, I was thinking... this is gonna be so embarrassing like in P E! [LAUGHTER] With ha half a bra on []!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] []!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]... my cups down... my cups down to my waist []!
[Emma:] I sa, I was sat there and... and then we was in maths, like the lesson before and I was going Zena, I don't wanna do P E! I just do not want to do P E! And she's going, why not? You like P E, I don't wanna do it Zena... will you write me a letter to get me out of it? She's going... no I won't, you know, not unless you tell me what it i, why it is you don't wanna do it! So in the end I wro, I wrote her this letter because I couldn't say it out loud [LAUGHTER] in case anyone else heard me! And say that I've busted my bra strap []! So she goes, oh don't worry about it. Like, we go into the loo and like, you can mend it.
[Helena:] Mm.
[Emma:] So of course I've thought oh yeah that's all, okay, I thought, cos like, some of them have got the loop actually on the, the like on the top of the cup haven't they?
[Helena:] Mm.
[Emma:] Did this one? No! The loop's attached to the end of the strap! It's a bit of the cup that's actually come apart, unsewn! So that meant I had to get... the part of the, the top bit of the cup, thread it through the hoo, the hoop and then tie it in a knot! So like, you can imagine... I had to have all the strap completely undone... so like... the, the buckle was like down here! [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER]... And above the knot!
[Helena:] Comfortable then?
[Emma:] Well it wasn't, it wasn't that bad but like... it was really weird because like... you could see like, people like, especially the lads, just sort of looking at you... and then like... not meaning to be pervy but just like, looking again as if to think... why has Emma got a, a extraordinary lump [LAUGHTER] on half the top of her boob, you know []!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] It's like a lump there! They're thinking, mm, a shame []! But like, it was alright then because like... means that you can changed up in this one corner of the changing room all the time... and so... I'd got my shirt on while I was putting my T-shirt on... like... for the reason that my bra strap was bust, not actually because I'd got a gigantic [LAUGHTER] love bite around my neck []!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] But like er
[Helena:] But I mean
[Emma:] So that was alright really.
[Helena:] But, I couldn't believe it cos I... he goes to me, what do you think of love bites? And I goes, I think they're horrible to be quite honest, I don't
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] like them!
[Emma:] Same as me! I goes to Scott, I really really [LAUGHTER] hate love bites []... and er... and he goes, yeah and me. The only time he's ever had one was at this kid's party... Fran, Franny someone, he's [LAUGHTER] actually a bloke []!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Ooh that's []
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] I said that's []... he went to this party and he he was like really hard and he was really drunk... and he gave... Scott, Noel and Ian [LAUGHTER] a love bite... like... for a joke []! He just decided to do... just for a laugh!
[Helena:] Oh, how sick!... [LAUGHTER] Ah what a gay []!
[Emma:] I know like, anyway... but like, Scott had gone home... said to his mum... like, is his mum isn't, going what's that on your neck? You know, woh what you been doing, sort of thing! And he's told her the whole story... so Noel's gone home and his mum's gone, what's that on your neck? So Noel's gone... oh... someone tripped me up, I fell down the stairs and hit it on the coffee table, right! His mum believed him! So then his... Scott's mum and Noel's mum met in town [LAUGHTER] and they were just talking... and Scott's mum... it's dis, God it's disgusting isn't it... that lad given all them little lads love bites! And er... Noel's mum's going... well what? I don't know what you mean! Noel said [LAUGHTER] he'd hit it on the coffee table []!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] Next day at school, Noel's come in and gone to Scott, you bastard!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] Why do you have go and tell your mum the truth for []!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]... I'd never tell my mum that!... Like, luckily they're
[Emma:] Oh God!
[Helena:] no, not very big but I've still got the one, I've still got, and it's right next to it as well!
[Emma:] Mm.
[Helena:] Now it's yellow now it's going!
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] But, ah
[Emma:] Ah gee
[Helena:] ah Jesus! [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] I think they're
[Helena:] At least
[Emma:] really disgusting! Cos like, Scott was going I've never gave anyone one, you know.... And er... Hannah's going... we started off the conversation where was the perviest you've ever had one... I mean, knowing that I didn't have one, ever had one before... and that was Mark, feeble attempt that lasted about ten minutes
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] I think []! And I was really upset about that as you can imagine! But like erm... what was I saying? Oh yeah... so I was going what's the perviest place? I was thinking, you know, Scotts bound to have some pervy ones off Mandy! But like er, and he was going oh I've never had one except for like, this Franny [LAUGHTER] bloke! [].
[Helena:] Girls don't do it to boys as much as boys do it to girls though do they?
[Emma:] No I know.... That is really sick though!
[Helena:] I certainly don't think so anyway.
[Emma:] I think that's really disgusting, they look silly!
[Helena:] I think it looks awful on boys! I mean, it looks bad enough on girls but I mean
[Emma:] I know, it looks really cheap doesn't it?
[Helena:] Yeah.
[Emma:] Sort of like... eh eh eh eh eh!
[Helena:] But I didn't... that's why it's
[Emma:] I'm a big slag!
[Helena:] that's why I
[Emma:] Ha!
[Helena:] I didn't tell anybody.
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] At school.
[Emma:] You didn't tell anyone like, except... Joe then told Stuart, [LAUGHTER] Mr []!
[Helena:] Really funny!... But I ca, honestly when Pete phoned me up... and like, I was getting so worried! And he's going
[Emma:] Yeah but I swear you should have heard Pete... mouthing off at Joe!
[Helena:] I know.
[Emma:] And because like, he didn't even know about the love bites! Cos Scott goes to him... cos, we were talking about flipping... biting other people's nipples [LAUGHTER] or something []!
[Helena:] He did, he
[Emma:] And
[Helena:] he did actually bite me!
[Emma:] Yeah. That's right
[Helena:] He did.
[Emma:] he's really strange
[Helena:] Well
[Emma:] though!
[Helena:] it killed! It really
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] hurt!
[Emma:] Well Scott does that
[Helena:] I screamed!
[Emma:] all the time!... Like... he doesn't think he doing it... but it really doesn't it? [LAUGHTER] I mean... like keeh God me... []
[Helena:] I went... I went
[Emma:] God!
[Helena:] I actually went... arghhh You've gotta to!
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] And... and like... then, like them two they're being, and they goes what's up? I goes, nothing! Nothing! You know, and it really hurt!
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] But I mean... but Joe said they were actual bite marks and it wasn't
[Emma:] Yeah she did.
[Helena:] there wasn't actually bite marks, but he did bite me, but
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] they was like love bite marks.
[Emma:] Mm.
[Helena:] And... I think, so... Pete wasn't right... and she wasn't right either.
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] But
[Emma:] But like, he was really sounding off at Joe! And like, I mean... he didn't know about that!... And Scott goes... oh it's a good job... it's a good [LAUGHTER] he didn't give her a love bite []!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] And Pete's gone... what, I didn't did I?... And like, everyone was just sat there going, oh my God drool on the floor man, you don't even know!
[Helena:] I've only got three!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]... But oh God!
[Helena:] I mean they weren't very bad or anything but
[Emma:] Mm.
[Helena:] I mean... Jesus Christ!
[Emma:] You've gotta be sad not to notice have you? I mean [whispering] he's got about []!... Ah, but is he coming on Saturday?
[Helena:] hasn't he?
[Emma:] He's
[Helena:] Oh... I asked him
[Emma:] You've asked?
[Helena:] I asked him whether he was and
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] he said... that he wa... he didn't know, he was either coming now or was going to Tramps.
[Emma:] Yeah.... Cos someone said last night they were going to Tramps but whether that was just like, they might be going to Tramps or what. This bra's too small, I'll have to get a new one!
[Helena:] But
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] I think he'll probably go to Tramps to be quite honest. I think
[Emma:] Mm.
[Helena:] prob, I think Susan might be going actually.
[Emma:] Mm.
[Helena:] And if it's a toss up between me and Susan it's, [LAUGHTER] yeah Susan []!
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] You know?... But I I
[Emma:] I can't believe it actually, I mean... and no, no offense to you because you know I do, you know I don't mean this whatever
[Helena:] No.
[Emma:] ... offensively.
[Helena:] Mm.
[Emma:] But like... he goes on on and on, don't he about how wonderful Susan is and then... you know... he gets drunk and that's it isn't it?
[Helena:] But... like, he even said it, he said to me when I was drunk and I, and it pissed me off a little bit actually cos like, he goes to me... you know... like I I was saying about it and he goes erm... well she was the one who wanted it all casual and everything, and I said oh yeah. And he goes... he goes... yeah well, I do it because she does it!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] Oh that's nice isn't it []!
[Helena:] And I'll, I thought, I goes
[Emma:] Go on then!
[Helena:] I'll... I'll
[Emma:] Flattery's the way to a girl's heart!
[Helena:] No, I go, I I went, oh thanks very much! I don't think he heard me!
[Emma:] Yeah.... Under your breath, something.
[Helena:] Yeah and I went oh thanks! Well I didn't actually but he was arsed... I just said oh thanks very much!... Like
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] and went and sat in the corner of the bathroom and went, scowled at him for a bit!
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] But... you know.
[Emma:] Oh gee
[Helena:] I dunno!... hey?
[Emma:] I don't know!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] I wasn't even gonna tell Scott I hadn't come on!... But then he kept going on about how brilliant your party was gonna be and everything and I'm sat there thinking... let's face it, if I come on between... you know, because like, it would have been alright cos I'd be finished like, today or tomorrow... and then it would have been like... nice and ready for... the party!
[Helena:] Mm.
[Emma:] How do you do!... But like er
[Helena:] But erm... like, I'm putting out of bounds signs on my mum's and brother's.
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] Well I said to
[Emma:] I mean I said to Scott
[Helena:] You can... you come in here.
[Emma:] I said to Scott... look
[Helena:] As long as I'm not in here.
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Three people []!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]... I said, I said to Scott
[Helena:] Or you can go in the bathrooms.
[Emma:] like... ooh... can we have it in bath please?... Cos you know what... I mean that's... [LAUGHTER] as you know... I, I can't even lie in a bath any more, it's not fair []!... Fiona was saying to me today at school, oh Emma can I have a bit of your height please? I was thinking, oh yeah I'll just chop my legs off at the knee shall I?... It's really bad
[Helena:] But
[Emma:] now!
[Helena:] like everyone's jealo,a, like everyone's jealous of me at school... and I wouldn't say I'm over tall!... But
[Emma:] No.
[Helena:] like... you know, loads of people are smaller than me!
[Emma:] Mm.
[Helena:] I'm, I, you know I'm going off
[Emma:] You know
[Helena:] with one of the tallest!
[Emma:] Yeah, you know those... heeled shoes I've got? I mean the heels have gotta be what... two inches?
[Helena:] Mm.
[Emma:] When I've got them on I'm taller than my dad! Can you believe that, I'm taller than my dad! That is disgusting!... If I grow any more I'm just gonna... flipping... start... chopping bits off myself!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Stop eating []!
[Emma:] Yeah, but eating doesn't make any difference anyway does it? I'd rather eat loads and at least then I won't look so lanky!
[Helena:] Mm.
[Emma:] But... actually I'm com quite... quite pleased with my body at the moment, my legs are still a bit skinny but... apart from that I'm doing okay I think?
[Helena:] I like my legs.
[Emma:] Yeah.... You have... you've got a really nice body anyway! Actually, me and Joe were saying the other day, like... ever erm... who was it, someone said something about... people being fat or whatever and someone's gone, oh yeah, like Helena, you know jokingly... and erm... and me and Joe both turned round and said yeah but she's not fat though is she, she's like more... you're more wide aren't you?
[Helena:] Yeah, I'm not, I'm not fat that way, I'm... like that way.
[Emma:] You're sort, you're like your mum aren't you, you're like, wide?
[Helena:] Mhm.
[Emma:] But like... I don't know, I don't think there's anything wrong with it, I mean
[Helena:] But like, like, I mean... [LAUGHTER] Andy, Andy goes... yeah, like, cos we were talking about that, and he goes, yeah you've got childbearing hips!
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] He goes, unlike my sister who's got [LAUGHTER] house-bearing hips []!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] And I go, no it's not in that
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Yeah, I went Shhh!
[Emma:] []!
[Helena:] Yeah, I felt, I feel a bit sorry for Hannah actually cos
[Emma:] I do, I mean actually
[Helena:] she's alright, but
[Emma:] If she wa, if she wasn't Hannah inside, she's got a dead nice body you know! She's
[Helena:] Mm.
[Emma:] a really nice shape and everything!
[Helena:] Yeah.
[Emma:] She's got nice hair.
[Helena:] She eats
[Emma:] But, she's got a bit dodgy eyes though!
[Helena:] Mm.... She is a bit!...
[Emma:] Yeah.... Oh,.
[Helena:] I feel really sorry for her actually cos I'm... I know if I had it I'd just feel really awful if I had BO
[Emma:] Yeah I know!... Same as me. That's why I always hate that people tell me! Like, even if it meant writing them [LAUGHTER] anonymous note, you know []!... And like, you always think to yourself... like... you always think to yourself, yeah, you know I would tell someone... and if it's what you would
[Helena:] I can't!
[Emma:] .... You know... I would, I'd just sort of
[Helena:] If it was someone really close to me
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] I would. I've told
[Emma:] I'd say
[Helena:] my brother he had it before.
[Emma:] And I have... told my brother. But like, your brother's alright, cos you go, oh you smelly bastard!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] []!
[Helena:] I go God, oh your breath... stinks can't you?
[Emma:] Mine probably does actually.
[Helena:] But it don't matter if you offend him does it?
[Emma:] No.
[Helena:] Really?
[Emma:] But like, I could say to you, you know... ah, you know, how are yo, you know, and I'd probably make a joke out of it!
[Helena:] God you stink! [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] I might say
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Yeah []
[Emma:] oh you run out of deodorant or something, you know! But you can't sort of turn round to Hannah [LAUGHTER] and say... Hannah, you've got B O []!
[Helena:] I know it's like
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] You smell []!
[Helena:] it's like Fiona at school right... he,o, Vicky and Iona were having this ma, major crisis about whether to tell her she's got B O? Cos... I don't know whether it's BO, but she just... smells to quite honest! And she's a really nice person, right, she's a bit portly
[Emma:] Mm.
[Helena:] like, she's coloured right, but she's a bit portly... and... she just smells to be quite honest!
[Emma:] Mm.
[Helena:] And she's got this smell,yo, it's her smell... do you know
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] what I mean? And like... you da, can't tell it, like just walking around or whatever, if you're sitting right next to her and she leans over you
[Emma:] Mm.
[Helena:] or when she's on the trampoline... and you're
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] standing by the trampoline.... Oh it's just horrific! And everyone just goes
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] You know, and it's
[Emma:] It's like today at school
[Helena:] really awful!
[Emma:] there's this girl right, you know Lisa?
[Helena:] Yeah.
[Emma:] Remember she was at Ricky's party
[Helena:] Yeah.
[Emma:] well... we've got this thing against her now cos she's flirting with Ricky! Ricky and Lucy have finished by the way.
[Helena:] Oh have they?... Finally!
[Emma:] Yeah.... He, he was up town with this other girl, holding her hand... walked past Lucy and smiled at her! That wa, that is sad!
[Helena:] And wha
[Emma:] Anyway Lisa 's been flirting badly with Ricky for ages! I mean everyone knows she fancies him, but like, she's been getting really flirty!... So, like, we've got this thing about her, anyway, she was com... and she was talking to Fiona today and she was stood next to me, and like... in a way, I was laughing at her... but I felt so sorry for her cos she really, really stunk! And like... I wouldn't sa, she's not the sort of person who you'd think... oh you know... I mean like
[Helena:] Oh you smell! [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] yeah like, not being nasty but Hannah... to look at her you think... you'd think, oh you know she might sort of bit... bit pongy!
[Helena:] Mm.
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] And like, Lisa 's like, you know... so
[Helena:] Yeah she's like, really clean cut isn't she?
[Emma:] She's like anyone isn't she?... She's like us... sort of thing, you know? I mean, here's me saying [LAUGHTER] smelly bum, you know []!
[Helena:] Even, even, even no, but even more
[Emma:] Radiation!
[Helena:] than that, I mean... I mean, I'm not being nasty but I mean... look at our [LAUGHTER] hairdo's! I mean we're not exactly [], well I'm so worried about... you know
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] how I look just at this second or anything!
[Emma:] Yeah, but she does doesn't she?
[Helena:] I know, but like she says, she's hair and everything isn't she? And all her make up... and she got... and she's really pretty really
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] isn't she?
[Emma:] She is actually. Pete said she... Pete said he'd give her one!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] And I said, oh God I wouldn't!... And I to also admitted to him that I
[Helena:] Have yo, have yo
[Emma:] female.
[Helena:] have you heard about the wallet fiasco?
[Emma:] No.... Oh yes, I did!
[Helena:] Yes.
[Emma:] Shall I bring it on Saturday?
[Helena:] And I just went... mm!
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] Ha!... And I knew... exactly what it was you they were talking about!
[Emma:] What she was talking about!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] But... do you know... I went... why?... Why did I do that? Why am I []
[Emma:] Honestly, they don't care!
[Helena:] Ah!... But I knew exactly that he was talking about me and I thought what?... And... I goes... but I had to, I had to, I goes why? And he goes... well I've got some money in it! I've got my Visa card in it! I goes why Pete, really evilly!
[Emma:] Mm.
[Helena:] And he went... and he went well what do you think? And I just went... Jesus! [LAUGHTER] []! I was just so... ooh! I just think, oh no what am I gonna do now?
[Emma:] Well... just tell him no.... Unless you want to?
[Helena:] Couldn't really leave it.
[Emma:] I shouldn't imagine you
[Helena:] No.
[Emma:] would?
[Helena:] No. Not really. [LAUGHTER]... But Clare is going... like I told Clare about it.
[Emma:] Is she coming to the party?
[Helena:] I don't know.
[Emma:] It depends really does, cos Joe said something about it depends if her boyfriend's got any money to come up or something or
[Helena:] No, her boyfriend is up
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] but I think he's going home tomorrow. Is that Joe?
[Emma:] I've no idea I'm just having a butchers.
[Helena:] Having a butchers ay
[Emma:] Having a butchers!
[Helena:] Shall I turn the light off so you can see?
[Emma:] No, it's okay I can see.... Oh no!... Shame of all shame, it's my brother and Steve and [LAUGHTER] Sam across
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] and I'm just staring out the window []!... See if they wave back.... Yes, my brother is waving back even though he's []!
[Helena:] Oh!
[Emma:] God!
[Helena:] Oh!
[Emma:] Why is he
[Helena:] Why is he hanging round Steven again? He must be sad character, and that's the only reason why!
[Emma:] Sad character!... Erm... I tell you what it's dead windy outside!... It is
[Helena:] Yeah.
[Emma:] really, really windy!
[Helena:] That's why I've got my hair like this! [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] So have I.
[Helena:] While I was taking the dog out.
[Emma:] I put mine like this and... that's why it hasn't [LAUGHTER] stayed very well actually []!
[Helena:] Do you wanna poster?
[Emma:] What of?
[Helena:] U 2.... It's that one that used be up there.
[Emma:] Is it black and white?
[Helena:] Yeah.
[Emma:] Yeah! If you don't want it?
[Helena:] Yeah, have it! [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] Thanks.... I tell, I put... I tell you where I put that... where I used to have my erm... my Berlin Wall poster.
[Helena:] Oh you're taking that
[Emma:] Which
[Helena:] down?
[Emma:] No I took it down cos like, it was behind the wardrobe wasn't it? And I've put it in the middle of the wall.... It's been there ages, you have seen it.
[Helena:] Oh yeah, yeah, yeah! I thought you meant you were moving it from there.
[Emma:] No. I'll put that up there.... That's great! Thanks.... And then I can take that down, that flipping... Marilyn Steven, the really ugly Just Seventeen model!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]... Have you seen that one? I'm not joking, this must have had... collars [LAUGHTER] and right... mm, []!
[Helena:] !
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]... Oh dear!
[Helena:] But erm... oh what was I gonna say?
[Emma:] oh they're all about Malcolm... bless you!
[Helena:] I couldn't believe Clare though!
[Emma:] Horny bloke!
[Helena:] Cos she goes erm... she goes... I told her right and she goes well you're going to aren't you?... I goes what? [LAUGHTER]... She goes, she goes... well you might say that now but when you actually get there you'll really want to.... And er... I goes... you know, I was a bit, I was a bit shocked really, cos like
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] Clare's never told me that she'd done anything with Stuart.... You er... but when we were talking about this she told me that
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] he'd asked her to go on the pill.
[Emma:] Yeah.... And has she?
[Helena:] No.... She didn't want to!... So she's not going to. [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] But erm... I'd, I don't... but... like chat to her cos she's, honestly she's such a nice person and like
[Emma:] Mm.
[Helena:] she's one of them people who... she might be a little bit like... hard to talk to at first
[Emma:] Mm.
[Helena:] but if you like, just go absolutely crazy [LAUGHTER] like I do! Cos she's used to me being crazy []!
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] Like going... ooh, ooh! [LAUGHTER], you know []!... You know the way I do.
[Emma:] The way you do... like.
[Helena:] And er... ah, she'll be alright.
[Emma:] Yeah, if I mean, if she comes in everyone'll be fine with her won't they? I mean... flipping... two sips of cider and I'm anybodys!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] Have me in the bathroom if she wants me!
[Helena:] Ooh er look! But er
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] Give her a blow job []!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] What do []
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] Did you catch that one []? Do think they'll work it out?
[Helena:] Oh dear, so... like I say I'd... you know... chat, you know chat away to her because... I
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] think, cos she really wants to come but like
[Emma:] Yeah.... I mean
[Helena:] She's... she's such a swot it's [LAUGHTER] unbelievable []!
[Emma:] Dear oh me!
[Helena:] I mean, she reckons I'm a swot, and I reckon she's a swot, you know!... It's really funny!
[Emma:] But you know me! I'll talk to anyone!
[Helena:] That's what er
[Emma:] Even a cassette recorder!... Hello darling!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]... But er
[Emma:] Ah dear!
[Helena:] I hope she does come actually cos like... she's a real good laugh.
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] You know, she's really nice!... And... an anyway I wanna get her drunk and chop all her hair off so she's looks hideously ugly!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] I know, her hair's gorgeous isn't it?
[Helena:] Mm. She's so pretty as well!
[Emma:] Could not believe it! Rachel come up to me today, she's deadly serious, you know like... lovely gorgeous ginger hair!
[Helena:] No.
[Emma:] You must of seen her round town. Well she's got the most gorgeous ginger hair!... Really thick, quite long, bit longer than mine.
[Helena:] I don't know her but
[Emma:] It is really nice... and like, she's the most gorgeous looking girl you've seen in your life!
[Helena:] I've probably, I've probably seen her but
[Emma:] I've, I've talked about her haven't I?
[Helena:] Mm.
[Emma:] About Rachel.
[Helena:] I've heard the... name.
[Emma:] And erm... come up to me today and she goes... have you got any scissors?... I goes... no why?... Oh it doesn't matter.... She walked to Zeena, Zeena got any scissors?... No... why do you want them? So, oh it doesn't matter. Oh come on Rach, come on tell us, you know! She's going... I wanna cut my hair. And she was deadly serious! I'm going, no you're not, don't be stupid! She gone, I've had enough of it, it's really getting me down! I thought, and she was really depressed about it!
[Helena:] Oh my God!
[Emma:] But like, Mr really really bad... like... maths teacher, he goes erm... he goes to, she goes to him the other day... oh you're only picking on me cos I got ginger hair! Yeah, you're right I am!... And he was being really nasty!... And I thought, I was thinking... God that is really, really nasty that is!... But like... then er, she, she just turned round to him and she goes... tell you what, I would really, really, love it if you woke up tomorrow and you had ginger hair, cos that'd really, really give you a dose of your own medicine! Then... then er... and he was going, oh don't be childish Rachel and all this!... And, it's nothing to do with that! And she goes, oh yeah, as if you'd know! And like, he's really getting her down!
[Helena:] Yeah.
[Emma:] I feel really sorry for her cos her hair is gorgeous! I mean, I'd kill for hair that colour!
[Helena:] I think if you've got a really nice colour ging, you can have, either have a hideous colour ginger
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] or a really, really nice!
[Emma:] No, but she has got like, it's that... it's dark ginger.
[Helena:] Mm.
[Emma:] Dark gingery-red, it's gorgeous! Like, it's not... it's not ginger, it's sort of like... auburn.
[Helena:] Rusty.
[Emma:] Rusty auburn.
[Helena:] Mm.
[Emma:] Oh it's gorgeous! It's really nice!
[Helena:] Well you see that... you see, she probably looks at it every day and thinks, oh hideous!
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] But, you see, you see it every day and think, ah that's so lovely!
[Emma:] Ah that's so gorgeous! Yeah.
[Helena:] But it's everybody, everyone thinks they're ugly don't they? I mean like
[Emma:] Yeah.... You don't want what you've got do you?
[Helena:] No. I wake up every morning... and think, oh my God it's that acne!
[Emma:] Mm.... Oh,
[Helena:] got up.... Oh look at my split ends! You know, my hair's so
[Emma:] I can hardly see, oh
[Helena:] boring!
[Emma:] tell a lie I can see one spot on your face!
[Helena:] That one.
[Emma:] Oh alright then, two now you've pointed them out.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] Let's have at me today.... I'm doing quite well actually, mine are clearing up a bit.
[Helena:] Yeah, but you see, I'd look at you and I wouldn't even notice!
[Emma:] One, two, three, four, only four!
[Helena:] It's like, I look at you
[Emma:] Two.
[Helena:] and I would not even notice one spot!
[Emma:] Not even the one in the middle of my forehead?
[Helena:] No!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] I tell you what I noticed when you first walked in... you got... you got thick eyeliner on, that's what I noticed.
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] Before anything else.
[Emma:] Thick eyeliner on the top of my eyes, I don't wear eyeliner on the bottom just in case you think I'm a tart!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]... Oh dear!... Oh I'm sad!... I must be bad!
[Helena:] You're talking to a tape recorder now Em!
[Emma:] I know. [LAUGHTER]... I've done it before!... Oh gee, tomorrow right, mum has gone to me... the other day... oh, there's this woman at bridge she wants someone to baby-sit for her on Wednesday nights.... Do want, do you wanna, you interested? And I said, yeah alright then, you know, fair enough.... So she goes... well she reckons it'll be a good idea if you went up to meet the little lad, he's only six, he's called Mark. I thought... oh alright, fair enough. She's goes, oh she's gonna phone Thursday night, she phoned me tonight... oh I'll pick you up at half four is that alright? I thought, yeah, fair enough... she goes, we can go and pick him up from the child-minder... and then er... you can come for some tea... and you'll be home by about half seven! Oh fucking hell! No way!... I mean, cor blimey, I've never seen the woman or the kid before in my life!
[Helena:] Mm.
[Emma:] I mean, I don't mind going up to their house, sitting down having a cup of tea and biscuit
[Helena:] Difficult situation or whatever! and saying... oh yes, hello Mark! Are you going to read me a story and show me your bedroom? Oh goodo... Right, well, better be off then, [LAUGHTER] bye []!... But like She must be really picky if she's doing that!
[Emma:] I know!... But mum said like... she's... she's divorced... so sh, she's forty... she's got like a six year old kid... and the kid is really brainy! And I'm sort of thinking, oh my God, modern woman!
[Helena:] Mm.
[Emma:] Modern woman with modern brainy kid!... And that she's got
[Helena:] And thinking oh my God this kid's gonna be better than me! [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] Yeah, she's got this... gentleman friend.
[Helena:] Oh yeah.
[Emma:] He takes her out and... spoils her rotten like! And she wanted me to baby-sit last, like, last... no, what day is it today? Thursday.
[Helena:] Mm.
[Emma:] Yeah, tonight.... And erm... but like, she wasn't gonna be back till quarter past eleven! I mean, I don't mind that but you know what my mum's like?... So er
[Helena:] I wouldn't do it in the week. I mean, I'd mean I'd do it, in a week
[Emma:] Yeah, that's what, that's what she said, the woman going... well I suppose that's a bit late in the week really, she's got school the next day? And mum just goes, yeah.... She goes, well I didn't know if you'd wanna do it so I just said that.... And you know er... but she goes like, she's like, like she said to me, once you've done it once... she'll expect you to do it again, and again! And like, it's alright say like, once... every so often but like... once or twice a week or whatever... in, like staying out late, cos that means I wouldn't be back till like, quarter to twelve!... And get ready for bed
[Helena:] It's too much, yeah!
[Emma:] it's too much isn't it?... But like erm... my mum was saying, you know... she's like... she's... got a, definitely got a good job and like, the kids really sort of
[Helena:] You get, are you alright? Comfortable?
[Emma:] Yeah.... sh, he's really sort of like, dead brainy and goes to the child-minder and... goes to school and whatever!... But like erm... she said like, he's a really good kid.... Well
[Helena:] Mm.
[Emma:] I mean... well I thought to myself, God what a life!... I mean, I know it's not her fault... but like, every Wednesday she has... all the people from the college bridge go to her house to play bridge.... I mean the kid's
[Helena:] Poor kid!
[Emma:] just sat there on the sofa!... I mean, okay, he goes to bed about, what, eight o'clock or whatever?... But like, I mean... God, do you know I'd really hate that! I mean, I used to hate it with like... having... flipping... anyone come up to our house when I was little!
[Helena:] Yeah.... I remember, I remember once
[Emma:] Apparently his mum's hardly there!... Because... the baby-sitter she's got at the moment right... she said she doesn't mind doing... Mondays, Tuesdays and Fridays... as well as the weekends... but she doesn't wanna do every day... each week.... Ma, how much does she go out?... I mean, God, the poor kid I feel really sorry for him!
[Helena:] [sigh] Yeah!... I mean... ooh!
[Emma:] That's why she's asked me to do it, but like I said to mum... you know, I'm not gonna say to her, oh yeah I'll do it whenever you want, I'll say like... they're gonna do this extra course on Wednesday nights... and she said, like... unless she could get a baby-sitter she couldn't go... which is the reason I'm doing it.... So like
[Helena:] Just say you'll do it Wednesday night.
[Emma:] Yeah... say I can do it Wednesday nights, apart from that, you know... it's too bad sort of thing! So I think I'm gonna change my nights... this, of staying in... to either Mo, Monday and Wednesday or... Tuesday and Wednesday... something like that. I don't know really!... But like, like erm... that'd be quite good because if I go to someone else 's house like, you don't wanna be sort of like, messing about with all, all the stuff, you haven't got anything to... mess about with, do your hair or whatever can you?
[Helena:] No.
[Emma:] Mess around with your make up.... So I can get loads of homework done... and erm... like I can count that as one of my nights in.
[Helena:] Mm.
[Emma:] So that'll be quite useful I reckon really... as well as getting a bit of money.
[Helena:] Well, oh my mum's having such a fit about like... on our er, exam leads... like er... she goes to me this morning, like my da, her and my dad were talking about it... she is saying, and she'll do it! Cos me
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] and my, my, me and my brother are gonna be off at the same time
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] like be doing his A levels and that... she's saying that she's gonna take both of our stereos, lock them in the, lock them in the shed all day, take
[Emma:] Mm.
[Helena:] the keys with her... and take the er, plug off the telly... so we've got nothing to... occupy us!... And she's serious as well!
[Emma:] Mm.
[Helena:] Because... we're both such weak willed people, honestly!
[Emma:] Same as me.... I mean, I've got a, I've got a French homework that was due in today... told Mrs I'd left my book at home, I accidentally bought the wrong book! So she goes, I want it first thing tomorrow morning, and I mean like... this is talking like, we're talking major here!
[Helena:] Mm.
[Emma:] And like... I started doing it, I'll read it out in English... I started writing it in French... came to a word I didn't know and thought... ah leave it!... And I've left it now!
[Helena:] Mm.
[Emma:] So like I'll go in, half nine... I'll get a drink, you know... sit down, look out the window, see if Scott's in, phone him up if he is... say helloee darling!... Ah, erm
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] By the way I'm not pregnant []!
[Emma:] God this subject keeps coming up doesn't it? I'm gonna
[Helena:] Oh!
[Emma:] get dead bored now! Whoever it is that's listening to our interesting conversation!
[Helena:] Don't you reckon that'd be dead boring though, I mean... I mean
[Emma:] [sneeze]
[Helena:] ,
[Emma:] I know, but like, I thought
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] I bet they're looking forward to this tape []!
[Emma:] Yeah but like... think about it, first, I mean the first couple of tapes of people like saying... oh yeah, so then we had sex, and then we gave him a blow job!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]... Yeah but I mean
[Emma:] And then he licked me out while we're on the phone!
[Helena:] Oh [LAUGHTER] God []!... Emma, you sound so crude!
[Emma:] But I mean
[Helena:] The twelfth of the third... ninety two.
[Emma:] ninety two.... Well done dear!
[Helena:] What time did you start recording this side of the tape?... Twenty five past nine.
[Emma:] Twenty five past! God! They're big tapes aren't they? I thought it was only supposed to be forty five minutes... long?
[Helena:] Nine twenty five P M... ready.
[Emma:] Ready.... This is gonna get really tedious after a bit isn't it? [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] I know, it's gonna be totally boring isn't it?... Er... chatting
[Emma:] Chatting with friends at home! [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] with friend.
[Emma:] I wonder who's gonna go through all these tapes?
[Helena:] there.
[Emma:] It doesn't say anywhere doesn't it?... Is it gonna be University students or
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Hopefully []!... By the way, I think you're sexy!... I hope you're not female? [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]... I don't mind if you're female at all!
[Helena:] I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not quite like that!
[Emma:] I am! [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] Er... who spoke first?
[Emma:] I can't remember!
[Helena:] I think it was me.
[Emma:] No it wasn't it was me cos I was saying that if yo, if your pen didn't work.
[Helena:] Oh, Emma.
[Emma:] Oh, I was the one saying if you're pen doesn't work and my name's Emma dearest!
[Helena:] Er... student.
[Emma:] Student.
[Helena:] Anyway, what was I gonna say? Oh yeah, I reckon all grannies are gonna be taping this they're the only with loads of spare time, we're just doing this for a laugh!
[Emma:] Mm.
[Helena:] But I mean
[Emma:] It's gonna be dead boring though isn't it? Listening to them... complaining about the usual stuff!
[Helena:] Yeah... so I reckon... whoever's doing this... I, I bet whoever gets this tape, I bet there's fighting over this tape! I bet there is... cos no one else will talk
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] BJ's or anything!... Are you listening to that, then?
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] Bj's []!... Oh God!
[Helena:] I think that's.
[Emma:] Did a... did erm... anyone tell you about... James's dad?
[Helena:] James?
[Emma:] You know James?... His dad's called... his dad's called Barry.
[Helena:] Yeah.
[Emma:] You must know James 's dad.... The one we were hiding from at the fair.
[Helena:] Oh!
[Emma:] Remember him?
[Helena:] No.
[Emma:] He goes, well anyway, he's this like, really really mad bloke! He goes to er, Ian... and like, Ian's gone to him, oh hello Mr, you know, and he's gone... ooh, don't call me Mr, he's from Wales you see! [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]... He's not Welsh
[Emma:] Ooh!
[Helena:] or anything!
[Emma:] Yeah, he is, he's Welsh.
[Helena:] I wouldn't put on an accent because they're cha, they're they're trying to... well never mind!
[Emma:] Oh okay.
[Helena:] Who cares!
[Emma:] I'll put on my accent anyway.... thinking I'm Welsh!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] He goes... oh, don't call me Mr, call me B J!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]... Ah no!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] And like, there's []
[Helena:] It is, yeah!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] And like, Ian was just, cos he's like Barry and Ian was just sort of stood there going []... oh my God, I'm gonna laugh! [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] Ah
[Emma:] Oh!
[Helena:] did I tell you whe, when I went to the opticians?
[Emma:] I've lost my
[Helena:] Ah!
[Emma:] shoes again!
[Helena:] He was the most unbelievable person I've ever met in my life! Oh!
[Emma:] Oh yes, he was wasn't he?... Oh God!
[Helena:] My brother went... my brother went yesterday as well.
[Emma:] Gotta have glasses?
[Helena:] Well he could have some done.
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] Cos he, he couldn't read the bottom two lines. Oh yeah, that's good though, and I can't read the top [LAUGHTER] two lines []!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] You know []... well what can you see with your left eye? Erm
[Emma:] Erm
[Helena:] H
[Emma:] Nothing!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Ha ha ha []!... Oh!... Ian's so funny!... But erm... yeah.... I dunno where to take this next, shall I take it downstairs and... yeah well, my half on this is stinted.... quite interesting.... Cos we all just sit there and watch telly and we don't talk! We had a, we had a really goo, it's a pity you weren't here earlier actually cos we had a stu, a nice conversation about politics. Oh, my dad kept going... shhh I'm trying to watch the football all the time!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] And I was... cos I had, I had a massive argument with Vicky about party politics!... Right, cos she's such a selfish conservative bitch!
[Emma:] Mm.... Yeah.
[Helena:] Going... well, I don't care why should we have to pay for all those poor people! That can't keep jobs!
[Emma:] Oh I put down Clive!... Oh he really makes me mad he does! Me an, me and Natalie were having a [LAUGHTER] real bad go at him! Sort of going []... just cos daddy'll sort you out then!
[Helena:] Yeah!
[Emma:] Oh God! Oh he drives me mad sometimes!
[Helena:] It like sh, I couldn't believe it she was... she's so conservative! She sat there going... well why should we have to pay for poor people who can't be bothered to get jobs, they're so lazy!
[Emma:] Oh yeah, like there's a load of
[Helena:] And I like, I
[Emma:] jobs going round!
[Helena:] Honestly,
[Emma:] Yeah!
[Helena:] I was going absolutely eppy This is in the middle of class, I was going eppy And she goes... and I goes, oh yes just cos daddy's got a very nice car and you live in Inkborough like this!
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] And I was... hon, I just went so mad! And everyone in the whole class... Julian... Julian
[Emma:] Mm.
[Helena:] was going to me, hey Helena calm down! And I was going... [shouting] No I won't calm down []! [LAUGHTER]... And I was screaming by this time and Miss goes... oh be quiet everybody! Mm, yes you're hard, I'm really scared!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] Ma, it's like, it's like my dad this morning... he woke me up by... pulling me up by the hair, bashing my face into the pillow a couple of times, I just looked at, then go, and I looked at him
[Emma:] Got a comb anywhere?
[Helena:] Comb?
[Emma:] Even if it's one of those... tremmy pretend combs you get with a Barbie doll, oh this' ll do!... Don't know what it is, but it'll do!... Hope you haven't... brushed anything pervy with this one! Pubes! [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] Oh yes I'm always brushing my pubes!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] Oh, I know []!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]... How did you know?
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] [].
[Helena:] That's my pu, pube comb!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]... Well you've gotta admit, it does look... [LAUGHTER] it does look like one of them sort of things []!... Have you, have you seen what pubes,?
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Yeah []!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] Oh goodo []!
[Helena:] Erm, anyway, what was I saying?... Oh yeah, and I just looked up from the pillow and went... oh, watch me shiver!
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] In a very sarcastic voice []!... Oh did you see erm... Mary
[Emma:] No.
[Helena:] Whitehouse the other day?
[Emma:] No, I missed it, but your get on with it anyway! [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]... Ooh wasn't that weird it sprays at once!
[Emma:] I like this, it smells nice!
[Helena:] I think it smells awful actually!
[Emma:] Ah, I think it smells really nice! Naomi always wears that. [LAUGHTER] can smell []!
[Helena:] Well at least I ain't got B O!
[Emma:] This is disgusting! I did this top bottom up so that my dad wouldn't call me a tart as I walked out the house and I forgot to undo it again! [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] You're getting a bit prudish aren't you?
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] I know []!... Ah dear!
[Helena:] You know, touch my pen! [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] Was there a minute ago wasn't it?... Ah, here it is! Oh it's on the floor! Emma the hero... finds it again! Oh dear!... [singing] Love can I say []!
[Helena:] What time you gotta be in?
[Emma:] I, I haven't actually got to be in at any time... except I did say I'd be in at half nine.
[Helena:] Oh!
[Emma:] Oh, it's half nine now! Oh ha!... Slap my thigh!
[Helena:] You look really worried though Emma! You look like you're about to rush home!
[Emma:] Oh dear... I must rush home... because it's half past nine and I'm going to get told off
[Helena:] [screaming] Ah []!
[Emma:] for being late!... I've just missed Red Dwarf! Oh never mind!
[Helena:] Oh oh oh Go ho od!
[Emma:] What?
[Helena:] Missed Red Dwarf!
[Emma:] Never mind... you see... mister tape recorder person.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] They're coming in [screaming] Ah [] []!... I'm suffering a lot though!
[Emma:] You've caused us to miss Red Dwarf!
[Helena:] Cos we just enjoy talking to you so much!
[Emma:] Because you're such an interesting person! I will do up my button again!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]... So you're dad won't call you a tart!
[Emma:] Actually, he shouldn't be in.
[Helena:] Listen, listen to your
[Emma:] Oh well!
[Helena:] lucky... you're lucky, I'm not pregnant penny.
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] Yeah []! Right at the end of somewhere.
[Helena:] Lucky... I'm not pregnant... powder case!
[Emma:] Oh dear! Well... are you going to leave that on?
[Helena:] No I'm turn it back.
[Emma:] Gonna switch it off? Cheerio then darling!
[Helena:] Cheerio then man!
[Emma:] Oh dear!
[Helena:] Bye! [dog barking] Sam... shut up! [dog barking] So this means I gotta walk home all on my little own-some?
[Sheila:] Pardon?
[Helena:] This means I gotta walk home all on my own-some?
[Sheila:] Yeah, well it'll be erm... at little bit light anyway won't it?
[Helena:] What?
[Sheila:] It'll be light.
[Helena:] Light?
[Sheila:] Mm.
[Helena:] Suppose.
[Sheila:] It won't be dark!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Yeah mum, I do know what light means []!... Actually!
[Sheila:] What have you today?
[Helena:] What lessons?
[Sheila:] Mm.
[Helena:] Graphics... er... maths, science... english and R E.
[Sheila:] What did you miss the other day?... When you was off?
[Helena:] .... Oh, a few other things. I've caught, I've caught up on most of it... I've got to copy up some maths but I'll, I'll borrow someone's book this weekend.... Cos I won't have any homework cos I did that homework last night.
[Sheila:] What, for the weekend?
[Helena:] What?... No, but... she won't give you two sets of homework other.
[Sheila:] What the, maths homework you mean?
[Helena:] Yeah.... So I'll be able to borrow somebody's book and... copy that.... It's only algebra anyway!... The stuff I was doing last night.... Shouldn't be too bad.
[Sheila:] Is Joanne and Emma coming to... sleep on Saturday night?
[Helena:] Yeah.
[Sheila:] Where are you going to sleep?
[Helena:] Down there... in the front room.... Well, we might as well I mean it's just... easiest place really.... And that... yo... can keep the dog and cat upstairs... a bit can't we?
[Sheila:] If he'll go.
[Helena:] If he'll go.
[Sheila:] He won't be very happy if everybody's down here and he's up there!... Will he?
[Helena:] It's.... I know, but he always sits on Emma and
[David:] [shouting] []!
[Sheila:] Don't she like it?
[Helena:] ... used to it.... I mean, I don't mind it if he comes and sits by me... well they're not used to him you see.... They're not used to little Sammy! [dog barks] Shush up!
[Sheila:] ... wimps.
[Helena:] What?
[Sheila:] Wimps.
[Helena:] No wimps?... Oh dear!... I nearly forgot how old you are when I was putting you in the book.... I put forty two. [LAUGHTER]
[Sheila:] I'm not quite forty two yet!... Soon!... I will be.... But not yet!
[Helena:] [singing] Pardon me boy... da doo dee doo doo doo [].
[Sheila:] Are you going into town then tomorrow?... Or
[Helena:] To
[Sheila:] not?
[Helena:] Tomorrow?
[Sheila:] Yeah.
[Helena:] Dunno.
[Sheila:] Mm,!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Haven't made up my mind yet []! I never make up my mind until about
[Sheila:] What about?
[Helena:] Half twelve tonight.
[Sheila:] What about Shrimpy, have they got over his... tantrums?
[Helena:] Oh I think so.... He, he's just... he picks someone to have a go at!
[Sheila:] So he's been having at
[Helena:] Yeah.
[Sheila:] Pete has he?
[Helena:] He's been having a go at Pete.... And it's a bit, it's a bit nasty of him really cos when, like, all this thing was with Emma and everything... Pete was the one that was really nice to him!
[Sheila:] Mm.... He's always taking it out on them... I noticed!
[Helena:] Yeah.... What we having for tea?
[Sheila:] Chicken.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] I can see it's chicken []! Chicken what?
[Sheila:] Chicken and er... rice.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Sheila:] Well, what we normally have you know, in the... sauce and that.
[Helena:] Yeah.
[Sheila:] I wouldn't know the... posh name!
[Helena:] Chicken chasseur.
[Sheila:] If you like!
[Helena:] Emma was the happiest I've seen her in about... two weeks!
[Sheila:] She was er [dog barking] she said her brother wasn't getting on didn't she?
[Helena:] Yeah. When she came to the door... and I... I didn't know whether to invite her in or not... like I went... come in... and,an she like, looked at me and I goes, [LAUGHTER] don't ask []!
[Sheila:] [LAUGHTER] [dog barking] Well it wouldn't matter if they were?
[Helena:] What?
[Sheila:] It wasn't it was a bit strange, a bit naughty!
[Helena:] Well erm... I think it's dead interesting actually!
[Sheila:] Oh!
[Helena:] something in... a bit of sex.... Different things, and I remember the woman came round the other day... about drinking whisky.... On a Sunday she came!... Mind you, I mean, we got no whisky anyway so I said... she's looking for somebody who... erm... drinks at... erm... a spot of whisky.... I says, oh sorry you've come we don't drink whisky. She says, not even at Christmas? I says no.... Shouldn't.... Which we don't do we? We don't go in for spirits though do we?
[Sheila:] No.... She wanted to see dad. She should have gone to see Uncle Alan he's and alcy
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Sheila:] er
[Helena:] She'll go and drink shri... er, not drink Shrimpy! Er... go and see Shrimpy.
[Sheila:] Does he drink like that?
[Helena:] He's always drinking whisky!
[David:] Ha!
[Sheila:] That'll rot his innards then!
[Helena:] Aha.... Oh Dave... let me!
[Sheila:] Got a letter David? Have you got a letter?
[David:] Yeah.
[Helena:] Can I open this one?
[David:] No!
[Sheila:] Have you got two letters?
[David:] Yeah, but they're, they're both from the same place though mum.
[Sheila:] What is it from? Is it from Nottingham?
[Helena:] Cheltenham.
[Sheila:] Not Bristol then?... Is it?
[David:] Oh it is
[Sheila:] Apparently that's... all that's from there actually.... There, in that... that Picasse or whatever it's called!
[David:] Oh dear!
[Helena:] Rejected.
[David:] This is nothing!... Oh, it is as well!
[Sheila:] Rejected?
[David:] Yeah.
[Sheila:] Oh!... Oh that's a shame!... That's the only one you've had!
[David:] Yeah.
[Sheila:] Oh!... Oh! That's where you wanted to go, Woburn....
[David:] Oh well!
[Helena:] Never mind!
[Sheila:] Never mind!
[David:] Try and get in Bristol somewhere.
[Helena:] Make it weird... is that what
[David:] No this is from
[Helena:] you said?
[David:] No this is from er... Sunderland.... The fourteenth place
[Helena:] B A!
[David:] from at least two G C S E's... G C E O level.
[Helena:] You get a B A from that mum!
[David:] B A honours degree, yeah.
[Helena:] Flipping hell!... Mm!... Bit of yes? My brother a B A, yes!... And I spent ages!
[Sheila:] That's a shame!... Wonder why that was?
[Helena:] Probably got too many people.
[David:] Probably filled the course already.
[Helena:] Yeah.
[David:] And it is a popular place.
[Helena:] Probably thought... hoh oh, we're not having him! Oh no!... Hoh oh no!... A... from Lincoln... [LAUGHTER] No []!... Can't have that!
[David:] Fourteen points.
[Sheila:] That's a shame weren't it?
[David:] Yeah but
[Sheila:] Mind you, Bristol's popular isn't it?
[David:] Yeah.... I'll just wait to see what... turns up.
[Helena:] Don't that dog ever shut up! [dog barks] Oh shut up!
[Sheila:] Alright!...
[Helena:] I do to.
[Sheila:] Oh!... Well that's a disappointing isn't it?
[David:] Yeah, well... you ca
[Helena:] You're bound to get in... one of them somewhere.
[David:] But all the poly's have accepted me... still
[Helena:] Who?
[David:] haven't heard from... Bristol
[Sheila:] Bristol, Bristol
[David:] Yeah.
[Sheila:] and... what's that one what came?
[David:] What?
[Sheila:] This one?
[David:] Er, fourteen points... erm
[Sheila:] About three D's this.
[David:] No.... The two... er
[Sheila:] Ah yes, you see, that's Sunderland I mean that's up in the
[Helena:] James goes there.
[Sheila:] back country isn't it?
[Helena:] But, the accommodation will be cheaper.
[Sheila:] Yes I know, but it's such a long way to get up there!... isn't it?
[Helena:] I mean, he's not exactly travelling everyday is he?
[Sheila:] Well no, but you still got to pay to get up there and get back on...!
[David:] [whistling]
[Sheila:] See what I mean.
[Helena:] I told you it'd be chicken chasseur!
[Sheila:] Erh
[Helena:] You're dead disappointed [LAUGHTER] aren't you mum []?
[Sheila:] I liked that one!....
[David:] [sigh] Ha ha ha []!
[Sheila:] Mind you... wou, oh... you couldn't!
[David:] What?
[Sheila:] Well I mean if, if it was full... and... they didn't all get the
[David:] Oh yeah, if erm
[Sheila:] You know, qualifications for it, like... wha, what would happen then?
[David:] Well... on the... a lot of... places like, they advertise in papers and stuff... for the... places that are still open, places that are still open.... Like, and you phone up and... you can get in.
[Sheila:] Well I mean, it's not necessarily to say that... you know, that they
[David:] Mm.
[Sheila:] are all going to get it is it?
[David:] No.... I knew that one... as soon as I saw that it was from... that is was a reject one.
[Sheila:] Well you got that other one from didn't you?... I thought... what was that... er... South, Southampton or Portsmouth or something?
[David:] And Portsmouth
[Helena:] Portsmouth
[David:] wa... was straight from Picasse but Picasse [] don't necessarily send out... just depends on whether the poly's send out to them as well.... But
[Sheila:] Oh!
[David:] they sent me... erm... or sent me a load a... load of material with it.
[Helena:] I really wish that they wouldn't do that though!
[Sheila:] Oh dear!... Pasties!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]... You, you're worried about it than David is!
[Sheila:] Well, it would've been handy wouldn't it?... some of them.
[Helena:] Are you making as much noise as possible?
[David:] Yeah.
[Sheila:] I can't make up all the time.... Mind you, Bristol, I mean that's not far.... That
[David:] No.
[Sheila:] you know, if you
[David:] And York isn't.
[Sheila:] I suppose it's a mile round trip.... Twenty five pound up on the train, return!
[David:] Return. So... thirty five.
[Helena:] That's [LAUGHTER] really clear []!
[Sheila:] as well!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]!... God this dog is []!
[David:] Well I hope Bristol accept me now.
[Helena:] Why who have you got? You got [dog barking] Sam!
[David:] Just York and... Aberystwyth.
[Sheila:] Hull.... Oh, Aberystwyth... yeah. [dog barks]
[David:] But this is... this is one of the most popular ones in the country so
[Sheila:] What Nottingham?
[David:] Yeah.... It's got very high... arts intake as well.
[Sheila:] Very high?
[David:] Arts... intake.
[Sheila:] Oh!
[David:] Like... you know... English, sociology and all that.
[Sheila:] Oh!... So that'll be why it's full then?
[David:] Yeah. [dog barking]
[Sheila:] You were... you were late in sending it weren't you?... And that's because you were going to go.... you might be, get a place.... If you buck your ideas up!... [dog barking]... And get a with that in.
[David:] What's that supposed to mean?
[Sheila:] Dog!
[David:] [whistling]... What's that supposed to mean?
[Sheila:] You better get your exams!
[David:] Yeah.... But... buck your ideas up?
[Sheila:] Buck your ideas up?
[David:] Yeah.
[Sheila:] I mean... sort yourself out and
[David:] But I am sorted out! [dog barking]
[Sheila:] Get on with it!... Instead of messing about!
[Helena:] But mum, he don't do much messing about does he?
[Sheila:] I didn't ask you!... He was messing about yesterday morning!
[Helena:] What?
[Sheila:] Look at him I'm.
[Helena:] Give him a loaning
[David:] It's only for three months mum!... Well
[Sheila:] When is it?
[David:] Next week.
[Sheila:] Next week.
[Helena:] Gizzmo keeps trying to persuade me to go with her... but I don't really want to.
[David:] No I shouldn't worry
[Helena:] Cos er, she's gotta go cos her brother's in it.
[Sheila:] shouldn't you? I thought about asking actually.
[Helena:] Her brother's... Knuckles... oh, [LAUGHTER] he's huge!... He's only about five foot []!
[David:] A B and a C... that is.
[Sheila:] Yeah, but A, it says a two... I mean, if you get three then you can get Nottingham couldn't
[David:] Yeah.
[Sheila:] you?
[David:] Yeah.... Well... three C's... must be over the points then.
[Sheila:] Right
[Helena:] [whistling]
[Sheila:] Er...
[Helena:] [whistling]
[David:] Not like that feller yesterday said that... really they can er... they can refuse if you get
[Sheila:] Well yeah!
[David:] a di difference of their point stipulation
[Sheila:] Oh, yeah.
[David:] and er... their gra, grade stipulation so... even if you got... three A's they can still refuse you.... He said that... he said it doesn't happen in York, but it has happened in some places... you know.
[Sheila:] I could understand them refusing you if they'd asked for... say, a B in english and C in something else
[David:] Yes.
[Sheila:] and you got D in English and D in so, although it may not be the point, or C.
[David:] Yes.
[Sheila:] Because... then you... you wouldn't... certainly up, be up to the standard would you? In that particular
[David:] No.
[Helena:] Mm.
[Sheila:] er... particular thing.
[Helena:] But I suppose... espec, like if you got really really good grades... you'd be... different to the group.... You know, say if they wanted to get you three C's and you got three A's... shut up Sam!... You could be lot... a lot different to the group.
[Sheila:] The higher standard?
[Helena:] Yeah.
[Sheila:] Mm.
[Helena:] Which might make it more difficult to teach.
[Sheila:] Yeah, I suppose it would.... True!... Would it make an effect?
[Helena:] Mm.... I suppose I, I better go and get hair done.
[Sheila:] Yes, you'd better had, it's twenty
[Helena:] [music in background] How are you then chicken?
[Joanne:] Okey doke... Groovy!
[Helena:] [whistling]... Seen Emma?
[Joanne:] Well, this morning.
[Helena:] Oh!
[Joanne:] Is that alright?
[Helena:] Yes.
[Joanne:] Oh!... Didn't walk home with me cos I had to go... I was and wa, was going to the other side.... How come the had the school photo in it?
[Helena:] Was it?... [LAUGHTER] Mu... mine []!
[Joanne:] I've got a bad habit of shouting like that today. Like... in science today I goes oh for God!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]!... What []?
[Joanne:] I got into
[Helena:] I'll show you
[Joanne:] What?
[Helena:] I'm only saying... thank you.
[Joanne:] I know!
[Helena:] This is really good!
[Joanne:] [cough]
[Helena:] [singing] Doo doo... and I took the best []. Are we going up to York tonight?
[Joanne:] Yeah....
[Helena:] We've got, we're going, ooh together now.... But as long as we've got... can't enjoy myself, can't even have a fag, might as well have, not be going! [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] Shouldn't have to worry cos... she's
[Helena:] Shhh! shh, oh don't else a man might come in.
[Joanne:] Like, oh yeah I know he means!
[Helena:] And dad goes, I'm... I think I might only just have orange juice!... Besides, I mean I can't have a fag! I goes, can't I just have two on a Friday? No you can't!..., might as well not bother going then mighten I!... Cos... anyway!... Especially if you can't have a fag!
[Joanne:] Is she, you know, really bounced up about it?
[Helena:] No, she just like, cos he's going down the club.
[Joanne:] From High School kids, you know?... So I might... make a trip to....
[Helena:] Mm.
[Joanne:] He's just too daft, cos he won't even let her have two!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] She hasn't had any since Tuesday! No, she hasn't had any since Tuesday.
[Helena:] She's doing well then?
[Joanne:] Mm.... She did be, better than she did.
[Helena:] Yeah, but dad'll.
[Joanne:] Ah!
[Helena:] ah that's it, run back and tell everybody, run run!
[Joanne:] Ah, like she always does!... Yeah well... I don't want Gary, she's.
[Helena:] She must be!
[Joanne:] Instead of going like quarter past, goes oh... go down, let's get boring now, yeah yeah!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] I said, oh go a bit later then, I goes cos I'll make it quarter past seven I'm not sitting round for half an hour, not like kiddos
[Helena:] Oh dear!... Cos... cos my mum and dad won't be able to get that cos my dad's working.
[Joanne:] Well the outing's in that area the next day.
[Helena:] Ha!... [singing]... stay, stay, stay with ah haaa []!... Oh, had an exciting date at school today then?
[Joanne:] No.... I rushed last night, I did... two of my geographies... I did one of them this dinner time, and other he didn't ask for my book in!... Couldn't believe it!
[Helena:] Ha!
[Joanne:] Course, that was didn't want to come and she said oh they asked for it in so I just pretended I didn't... I'd handed mine in and didn't say anything like, you know... in ca... like, cos I had to go and get them yesterday........ Flipping Johnnie is coming tomorrow!... And his laugh!
[Helena:] Tomorrow?... Thought he was coming Sunday?
[Joanne:] No, tomorrow.... Between two and four, cos I've got and do the papers tomorrow afternoon, they don't come till four, I do the papers about half... four to half... go out, you know quarter past five...
[Helena:] Still having over to me
[Joanne:] I'm going out
[Helena:] tomorrow night though aren't you?
[Joanne:] Yeah, I'm coming down yours about half seven.
[Helena:] So you won't see him anyway.
[Joanne:] Maybe I'll come nearer two.
[Helena:] Mm.
[Joanne:] And then it'll look as if I've hardly been.
[Helena:] about half seven.
[Joanne:] [whispering] Is she pissed off []?
[Helena:] We've gotta be going fairly early anyway.
[Joanne:] She goes to me, oh how you getting to... well I was hoping like, you'd take me, she goes, oh yes? That's a surprise! And I goes will you? He goes yeah alright then.... Gonna take us down The Square.... Last night we were shopping, I wanted to go and get something cos I said to her right can you? Can I spent all my money!
[Helena:] Yeah.
[Joanne:] And he goes... yeah alright then. What's wrong? I goes, can you go and get and some beers, yeah... cos otherwise, I should, you know you said lend us a pound, he goes yeah, I goes well you can yo... he goes not a pound, one pound four P! I goes, well have.... He goes... yeah alright then.... So he got me last nights, we're gonna have to go tomorrow... so we'll have to go tonight now, gotta tell!
[Helena:] Speak up a bit!
[Joanne:] What for?
[Helena:] Gotta get near the microphone!... [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] Oh, heard about that!... You're not putting that on!
[Helena:] Why not?... Joe, don't switch it off!
[Joanne:] Yeah, well it's embarrassing!
[Helena:] No, it isn't! Should of heard what me and Emma were talking about last night!
[Joanne:] What?
[Helena:] .
[Joanne:] Anyway
[Helena:] And everything else!... [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] Is that all it is jus, that's how he give you?
[Helena:] Yeah.
[Joanne:] Emma wants one.
[Helena:] And all the tapes, and all the batteries and everything.
[Joanne:] Yeah.... Anyway... so we're adding up
[Helena:] Just don't think about it, I've got used to it now... you know, so I'm not shy.
[Joanne:] ... so... you know... he got something so he went, he went, he went, he went... I think you give me, he goes, not one pound four, it's one pound... it's gone up innit? I said oh yeah!
[Helena:] One thirteen.
[Joanne:] So... no!... They're not!... It was one... it was one... it was one eighteen, with the matches and everything... so... the matches
[Helena:] Where from?
[Joanne:] the matches are,, the matches are eight P, they always have been.
[Helena:] Oh yeah.
[Joanne:] And then... sti... they've gone up to one ten now for.
[Helena:] Mm!
[Joanne:] So now... he'll get all the drink tomorrow.... are a bit worse... he said... you know... get some women.
[Helena:] I don't know whether Clare's coming or not.
[Joanne:] Oh, why not?
[Helena:] Because... well she's got a load of work to do, she's such a swot it's unbelievable!... And her boyfriend's down... and he's staying till Sunday.
[Joanne:] Well why can't he come round here? What else are they gonna do?
[Helena:] I dunno... but, she's gonna phone me up anyway.... If she's coming, she's coming, if she's not, she's not!
[Joanne:] Mm.... Oh good!
[Helena:] But I'm not, I'm not bothered either way really!
[Joanne:] Yeah, I'm going to Pat's on Tuesday.
[Helena:] What for?
[Joanne:] Well, Bozz at school had some free tickets... the music's usually twot when you're given free tickets! On er, this something of Luxembourg, I dunno,so
[Helena:] Oh! Duke of Luxembourg.
[Joanne:] Some crappy thing, you know!
[Helena:] About.
[Joanne:] No....
[Helena:] Some crappy music thing!
[Joanne:] Yeah.....
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] Anyway, so
[Helena:] I think our
[Joanne:] well
[Helena:] drama teacher might be in that!
[Joanne:] Well, he's given me a ticket... and he's gonna give, loads of us going, there's about ten of us!... So we'll go, gonna go there for about seven, it starts at half seven... come home that night.... Bit of doss you know!
[Helena:] Oh!
[Joanne:] Well we're get
[Helena:] You got
[Joanne:] up town about seven... I'll see if Bozz's mum can take us... and Cathy's dad can bring us back... cos dad's at work.... You know, we can walk round town a bit, you know and... ahem! Yeah, that's, have another
[Helena:] Yes,, yes, that's right.... Don't tear my shirt, oh [LAUGHTER] sorry []!
[Joanne:] I like that.
[Helena:] I get a real... erm... I've gotta take the dog out.
[Joanne:] Right.... Look at my cold sores!
[Helena:] Ta... They're not, they're not too bad actually.
[Joanne:] They are! They're massive! I've stuck a load of perfume on them!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] I've run out of bloody cold sore lotion haven't I? What's this all in aid of anyway?
[Helena:] It's a survey.
[Joanne:] You taking?... You're not taking it to my house!
[Helena:] Why not?
[Joanne:] No way!
[Helena:] Why?
[Joanne:] No way!
[Helena:] Why not?
[Joanne:] No way!
[Helena:] Why?
[Joanne:] Cos.... No way you're taking it to my house! I'll tell you to get knotted! It's my house, you've got no permission!... Did you
[Helena:] Well we're not gonna be doing anything!
[Joanne:] Well like, upstairs!
[Helena:] Well I'm not gonna take it round, why?... It's only gonna downstairs in the living room!
[Joanne:] ... [singing] [].
[Helena:] Right... I'll, I'll ju ju I'll just pretend I'm listening to it.... I'll take the things with me.... I'll just pretend I'm listening to it... and I'll just put it on the side and just the switch the thing on they'll never know the difference.
[Joanne:] The answer is... So... is he paying you? [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] About twenty five pound.
[Joanne:] Do you?... You kidding me or what?
[Helena:] No.
[Joanne:] Why didn't he come to my house for?
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]... Oh!
[Joanne:] Honestly?
[Helena:] Yeah!
[Joanne:] And how long you gotta do it for?
[Helena:] A week.... Barry's so mad!
[Joanne:] How many tapes you got?
[Helena:] Twenty.
[Joanne:] No way, man! I wanna do it! Tell him to come to my house next time!... Twenty five quid for doing that!... Trust you to in!
[Helena:] You don't have to fill all the tapes either!
[Joanne:] Trust you lot to come up.
[Helena:] He just, he just wants to go into my house.
[Joanne:] Trust you to be number one!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] You cow!
[Helena:] Aha!
[Joanne:] That isn't fair!... I want money, I've, you re get blooming all that money a... blooming week anyway, don't you!
[Helena:] It's only a voucher from Marks and Sparks.
[Joanne:] Oh.
[Helena:] Twenty five pounds worth.
[Joanne:] What you gonna get at?
[Helena:] Dunno, [LAUGHTER] something for my mum [].
[Joanne:] Just for starters I should think.... Na, ahh! Can't talk now I gotta stinging armpits!... What you at er... you know that razor I've got? Well I thought, well I can't be bothered to get, so I got it and I went chee chee! Yeah, I sprayed my arms yesterday and I went
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] takes all the ski, like top layer of skin off
[Helena:] Yeah.
[Joanne:] I was thinking, God, did it sting this morning? Well, I'm kee, keep forgetting every so often and
[Helena:] Mm.
[Joanne:] like... it stings a bit.
[Helena:] You ought to get like erm... Soft and Gentle... it doesn't sting.
[Joanne:] It's not that though, it's cos you're not supposed to use it under your eyes, it's a flipping face shaver!
[Helena:] Oh, no, but I mean, it don't make any difference!
[Joanne:] Yeah
[Helena:] You
[Joanne:] but I like that
[Helena:] but if you use that Soft and Gentle it doesn't hurt anyway.
[Joanne:] Do you know what Shrimpy's decided to buy me for my birthday?
[Helena:] No.
[Joanne:] Immac... to do my back of my neck!... I said, you do it, you don't, no way are you getting whisky from France!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Oh []!
[Joanne:] Wasn't me, best impressed!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] So it is funny!... It wasn't funny!... And all he kept doing was twisting my arm last night, and my leg... bummer!
[Helena:] [sighing] Ahhh []!
[Joanne:] No don't wanna put my name down!
[Helena:] You've gotta have name, goes on the tape, you big girl!
[Joanne:] I thought she said it was erm... Emma said that it was
[Helena:] It's anonymous.
[Joanne:] [shouting] Well who's in that! That's not very anonymous is it []?
[Helena:] Yeah, but thi... this, right just gets shoved with the tapes.... Like, they don't know... who it is... i it's not, after they've taken it away it's no connection to me whatsoever, they don't where I'm
[Joanne:] Do that.
[Helena:] from at all.
[Joanne:] Yeah, but you've got my name down there!
[Helena:] What, what shall I put your accent, as Redditch?
[Joanne:] Mm.... You put Redditch for whoever that was.... Emma?
[Helena:] Yeah.
[Joanne:] Who else put in, what you?... What's that say at the bottom bit?
[Helena:] Friend... no.
[Joanne:] I'm not, put no friend of yours in that box!
[Helena:] ... Hello darling,
[Joanne:] Is that tape six? I'm on tape six am I?
[Helena:] No.... No, you're on, you're on... that's only tape one side B.
[Joanne:] Oh!
[Helena:] That's all I've got onto so far!... You're, you're the sixth person on the side. Yeah, well you weren't here were you!
[Joanne:] I don't wanna do it anyway!
[Helena:] Me and Emma used up a whole side yesterday just us two talking!
[Joanne:] I thought you weren't coming out last night?
[Helena:] I wasn't! She came round here!
[Joanne:] Tut [sighing] ha []!... Here's me, farting around with bloody... Shrimpy and Andrew!
[Helena:] [singing] Da doo doo doo [].
[Joanne:] Ah, I was so angry, I was, he had my arm right, I forced, pushed him back it was, like, behind my back... so I lent back thinking oh he'll give me his arms then... anyway old flipping hag came in didn't she!... And I went, ha ha, just turn over the cassette!... She called me an old snout, flipping thing is right, like... thing like the noise that I've
[Helena:] Yeah.
[Joanne:] I was going... making like the sound was down he's singing this song and then he went... and Pam comes in, and she, I mean how comes then he knows her?... God, who is it the... the... what's it, paediatric or whatever it was? Somebody like that, you know some doctor
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] Is at the door! Who the bloody hell was that she goes?... I went out, come back in to ask... and there was Shrimpy, me and Andrew, me and Andrew come in... I left the door open... Cav goes... shut the door! I said, oh is Pat coming in? He said, I don't bloody care!... I went ha ha!... You stupid cow!... I really ache!
[Helena:] Go on!
[Joanne:] I hate
[Helena:] Right.
[Joanne:] Pam! I'm scared now!
[Helena:] Is it dark out!
[Joanne:] Yeah.
[Helena:] Good!
[Joanne:] Right, do you wanna ah, walk go and take the dog?
[Helena:] It's not my turn, it's David's
[Joanne:] To the shops.
[Helena:] turn!... Yeah.
[Joanne:] Why can't David do it!
[Helena:] Because, because, I'm going out! Oh please Helena will you take him for me?... Oh, he's such a waster, he's unbelievable!... Come on then, I'll take it outside with me.
[Joanne:] [LAUGHTER] Give it to Sam in his mouth []!
[Helena:] Yeah... you should have told me I would have bought them out with me if you'd said.
[Joanne:] I didn't realise did I!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] Shall we have one?...
[Helena:] Sam, come on boy!
[Joanne:] will you?... Don't be too big!... shhh!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]... Ah dear! Be, he's being all really nice to me at moment, he's really creeping to me!
[Joanne:] Yeah, well he isn't being nice to me!
[Helena:] Hasn't he?
[Joanne:] No!... Twisting my arm, twisting my leg!... Telling me I'm a stupid bitch and all this lot!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] Fucking turds and all!
[Helena:] Wait for the dog.
[Joanne:] I feel a right Bozo
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]...... oh, the dog's having a shit!
[Joanne:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] [sighing] Ah []... It was really funny though! Like, me and Emma last night, honestly... the first, about five minutes, like we were all, both going... mm, yeah, er, ah, and then we just thought oh fuck this [LAUGHTER] for an idea []!... And we just said absolutely anything!... We was talking about the love bite Pete gave me and everything!
[Joanne:] Yeah.
[Helena:] Said, like she thought she was pregnant! [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] Like me, I was a, how did she ge... has she?
[Helena:] Must have done!
[Joanne:] Ergh ahh... So when was this then?
[Helena:] Oh didn't you know?
[Joanne:] What, has she done it with Scott?
[Helena:] What?
[Joanne:] You on about Emma here?
[Helena:] Yeah.
[Joanne:] [whispering] She's pregnant []?
[Helena:] Yeah.... Didn't you know?
[Joanne:] She'd done it with Scott. No, when did she do it with Scott?
[Helena:] Didn't you know she thought she was pregnant?
[Joanne:] No.
[Helena:] Oh piss!... Ah, don't say anything! I thought, cos you said down there... you said in my house... you said something about being pregnant.
[Joanne:] No I never!
[Helena:] Yes you did!
[Joanne:] No I never!
[Helena:] Oh I thought you knew?
[Joanne:] Have they?
[Helena:] I've really put my foot in it now haven't I?
[Joanne:] No,whe, when did she do it with Scott then?
[Helena:] I don't know... but they must of done it sometime.
[Joanne:] It weren't when, the other when we got all pissed?
[Helena:] No, but I mean
[Joanne:] Why's she think she's pregnant then? I mean, didn't they use anything for
[Helena:] Yeah!... But she... well she didn't, I mean she didn't tell me the intimate details or anything... I don't even know whether she has, she wo, she might have ju ge, been getting over dramatic or something!... But she... but... her period was a week and half late... and she started well panicking!
[Joanne:] Yeah, well she
[Helena:] And you know, you know when we thought, yeah... well she'd, she'd just come on when she came down to my house... and she was really, really, really in a happy mood!... And er... you know, you know when we saw them two walking
[Joanne:] Yeah.
[Helena:] the other day? That was what she was upset about... she thought, oh dear, [LAUGHTER] Scotty's a going to be a daddy []!
[Joanne:] Fucking hell,! I hope she hadn't done it that Saturday when we all were outside and we watching
[Helena:] She might not have done it, done it... but like... she might have
[Joanne:] like
[Helena:] like... yeah.
[Joanne:] Cos you never know, I mean Andrew wipe spunk all over somebody, you know!
[Helena:] Yeah, I I should think she like... she's done some... done naughty things
[Joanne:] Well we all do though
[Helena:] and, yeah
[Joanne:] If she's given him a blow job, I mean
[Helena:] But I mean, she's probably done something like that... and... she's just got over dramatic about it!...
[Joanne:] Guess what she's said she's gonna write to go on the pill!
[Helena:] Did she? [LAUGHTER] Well not to me []!
[Joanne:] She did and she says, she goes, I wanna go on the pill while I've got the courage! But I don't think I can rely on myself to take them everyday!
[Helena:] If you was there you could take them, too pissed I should think!
[Joanne:] [LAUGHTER]... Probably!
[Helena:] Like a hangover the next day!
[Joanne:] fucking Emma in a minute!
[Helena:] But don't say anything cos I don't know!... Cos she, she said it to me cos she was on such a high you see... cos she'd just come on, didn't you see her last night?
[Joanne:] No I didn't because you
[Helena:] Oh!
[Joanne:] stayed and Andy's and we'd just gone over to the... shops and.
[Helena:] But er... yeah.... But, you see, she was on a real... pardon me! A real big high about it, she'll probably tell you.... But she
[Joanne:] I know!
[Helena:] probably didn't wanna tell you [LAUGHTER] in front of Hannah and everything []!
[Joanne:] Well she rushed up today, she hugged me... and ha... hugged Hannah, and then
[Helena:] Yeah, well that's it's so happy about.
[Joanne:] hu hugged er... Hannah! Can you just imagine though, hugging Andrew, his face!
[Helena:] Oh my God! Oh no!
[Joanne:] She said, I live at, I'm the best! Oh she thought I was pregnant.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Where's the dog gone []?... Wait
[Joanne:] He's down the bottom.
[Helena:] Wait here, I'll catch up with him.... Ah there he is! But er... but er... yeah, so... but like, she's been saying to me... cos she's been thinking about whether she is or not... she er... she's been like...... like everywhere there's babys and prams and... everywhe, on the telly and everything, [LAUGHTER] do you know what I mean []? It's been really bad actually... and er
[Joanne:] Yeah, but unless she'd done it with him she wouldn't be panicking that much!
[Helena:] No.... I bet she has.
[Joanne:] I mean, and she really known him for six months you know?
[Helena:] Yeah.... Ah dear! So that was a bit of a giggle! [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] So... do you
[Helena:] What?
[Joanne:] think Clare will come?
[Helena:] I don't, I doubt it, I don't think so.
[Joanne:] Ah ah oh!... Pity, Emma's decided she's bringing a camera now... and she reckons he bringing his!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] And I said no fucking way you'll get any pictures of me having a bang!... And Andrew goes... oh, is this going to be... let Joanne everybody with a picture!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]... [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] I've
[Helena:] Well it's gonna be really bad because I'm gonna be doing this and taking pictures!
[Joanne:] You're not doing it at the party?
[Helena:] Yeah!
[Joanne:] Oh God I'll be so pissed!
[Helena:] Well so!
[Joanne:] Wahhh
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] I'll do it, I'll do it
[Joanne:] You'll be doing it while we're going to sleep.... No way, when we all lie down
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] fucking hell are you, no!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] Picking up all the juicy gossip around here, you're not doing that then!
[Helena:] No, I won't do it then I'll do it... I'll do it in the early evening when no one 's too drunk.
[Joanne:] Then a bit later, but not well don't do it when we are gonna go to sleep because... cos we end ups tal talking about... who's dad's got the biggest plonker!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] ... Is your, is your dog still a virgin?
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] I know.... Like, you know what, my dog's still [LAUGHTER] a virgin []!
[Joanne:] [LAUGHTER] Virgin []!
[Helena:] I always say, you're drunk that night.
[Joanne:] So they all go and all.
[Helena:] Are they?
[Joanne:] Tonight and tomorrow.
[Helena:] Oh Jesus!
[Joanne:] Andy's getting eight cans of Strongbow... three for tonight and five for tomorrow.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] I said I'd bottle of wine off my dad just for us three, that's just for us three.
[Helena:] Oh yeah, of course!
[Joanne:] You know.... And then er... we'll have that.... You gotta ask your dad, remember, for a bottle.
[Helena:] No, cos a... I won't be drinking it anyway... it's only gonna you and Emma that's drinking it!
[Joanne:] Yes, I know!... You just ask him for one!
[Helena:] You're not gonna have a bottle each! I had a bottle and I was absolutely blabbing! And I threw up, that's how strong it is Joe!
[Joanne:] Oh I'll have my dad's then, she can have your dad's.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] No,ha, I mean, Joe... like, you won't be able to handle a bottle each on top of all that other stuff!
[Joanne:] Yeah, I wannoo
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Ya ha, Joanne you're going to die of alcohol poisoning []!
[Joanne:] You're only selfish! I'm sure you're mum and dad have got a lot!
[Helena:] Oh John, he's not that close for God's sake!
[Joanne:] Flipping cold!
[Helena:] Ooh it's not [LAUGHTER]... Come here Sam!
[speaker002:] It's alright... leave it. [dogs barking]
[Joanne:] Oh God's it cold!... That much perfume I've put on my cold sores,.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] He's gone........ [LAUGHTER] So will I []!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] [LAUGHTER] And then you're dead... if you... undo them there []!
[Helena:] But [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] Er
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] Oh we'll forget he's!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] You're so nasty for getting his bit []! What?
[Joanne:] He's a miserable sod!
[Helena:] Well he couldn't help being a miserable sod, [LAUGHTER] he looks a right miserable sod []!
[Joanne:] No!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] He's not a miserable sod....
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]... He probably just forgot.... I'll bring my matches... when I... like... take the dog in... I'll nip upstairs and say I've gotta get something... and I'll just grab my matches out of there in case he's lost them or something!
[Joanne:] Like he... probably would do!
[Helena:] In my book I'm gonna have to write down Mark, and put in brackets... all the way through he's called Shrimpy. m
[Andy:] Out in a minute, changed.
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER]...
[Andy:] Quick... [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] What?
[Joanne:] Put a tape on
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] It's like M I five or something in here [].
[Joanne:] Don't, no not not that
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] I don't believe you I swear the tape.
[Helena:] What?
[Joanne:] We ain't got a tape....
[Helena:] [sigh] I can fill it in for....
[Joanne:] It's a different tape number.
[Helena:] I know.... Er fill that in. Oh sugar, I've gotta start filling all these in now.
[Joanne:] Do you think that's right?
[Helena:] Thirteenth of the... third ninety two. What time?
[Joanne:] Five past seven.
[Helena:] Seven.... Redditch... eh eh eh eh...
[David:] Visiting friends.
[Helena:] [sigh] Who spoke first? Me wasn't it?
[Joanne:] Yeah....
[Helena:] I don't have to fill it in again. Once I've filled it in once in the book
[Joanne:] Mm.
[Helena:] right they know who it is. Yeah you only need to write their details on the first page in which they appear.
[Joanne:] Go on then, put it back. otherwise.
[Helena:] Do you think I ought to fill Andy in quickly?...
[Joanne:] He'll be the next in.
[Helena:] Yeah he will won't he?
[Joanne:] This lot'll be Shrimp and he don't matter.
[Helena:] Andy... insurance... clerk... age?
[Joanne:] Nineteen.
[Helena:] Nineteen... now... Redditch
[Joanne:] He doesn't call himself a clerk though.
[Helena:] what?... friend...
[Joanne:] I'll tell him you're a friend, he won't believe that.
[Helena:] Oh thanks. According to you I've got no friends.
[Joanne:] Exactly.
[Helena:] Oh thanks Jo.
[Joanne:] What's the point in lying?...
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] can't find my pocket []. [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] Helen nobody's coming.
[Helena:] What?... [LAUGHTER] I can't get it in my pocket....
[Joanne:] Do you want a piece of pasta?...
[Helena:] You can't... Alright And!
[speaker002:] ...
[Helena:] What you done? [LAUGHTER]
[Andy:] I across the to get some and ended on my bollocks.
[Joanne:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] Oh that's nice.
[Andy:] That's the last time I
[Joanne:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] No it isn't. You do it all the time.
[Andy:] That that smarts.... That's not gonna do much.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Do you want a Band-Aid?
[Andy:] I've got a split sac.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Andy:] I've got one testicle down here somewhere... and the other one's still embedded in bedroom.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] What d what did you land on? bed?
[Joanne:] Was it you who went bloody hell?
[Andy:] One of those cab yeah... it was one of those
[Joanne:] It was really loud.
[Andy:] it was one of those cabin beds. And erm the rim was like about that thin.
[Helena:] Mm....
[Andy:] And that split my
[Helena:] Mm. Nice.
[Andy:] Not nice....
[Joanne:] Ha! ha.
[Andy:] Mm?
[Joanne:] for a long time....
[Andy:] [belch]
[Joanne:] This special... what was it called again?...
[Helena:] It says on it somewhere doesn't it?
[Andy:] Dynamike
[speaker002:] Dynamike
[Helena:] how embarrassing, is that.
[speaker002:] You go... smack, straight on them.
[Andy:] Yeah then I get a drill with a wire brush on it and go bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker002:] Out.
[Andy:] Okay.
[Joanne:] Yes alright then.
[Andy:] That was my mother's suggestion for a bog roll
[Helena:] Oh.
[Andy:] sit on a drill with a wire brush on it. Works wonders.
[Helena:] Nice.
[Joanne:] Scratch. Erm what drink you getting anyway?...
[Andy:] I was gonna get... well I'm contemplating but I'm either getting four cans of Strongbow and a bottle... or just eight cans of Strongbow.
[Joanne:] For tomorrow? Or today?
[Andy:] Well some are for tonight as well....
[Joanne:] Well you know what'll happen
[Andy:] [singing] []
[Joanne:] if you get the that'll all be gone by tonight.
[Andy:] No that'll go, that'll go right through tomorrow.
[Joanne:] Oh.
[Andy:] Yeah, that bppppprrrrrr
[Helena:] Is that all you're having for tomorrow?
[Andy:] What? to myself
[Helena:] Oh. Oh, right. [LAUGHTER]... There, you've recovered now.
[Joanne:] er can....
[Helena:] Ugh I don't know how you can drink the stuff, it's ugh.
[Andy:] Strongbow?
[Helena:] Mm.
[Andy:] It's n it's not ugh.... It's cider.
[Helena:] It's ugh.
[Joanne:] I prefer Tesco's own myself.
[Andy:] [singing] [] Oh I'm not buying that, cos it's not strong enough [shouting] for me [].
[Helena:] Oh you man.
[Joanne:] It depends if you get the strong stuff you dipstick.
[Andy:] I don't care what you do with my dipstick. But I am
[Helena:] Don't
[Andy:] drinking lots of cider.
[Helena:] don't you go to band rehearsal any more? I thought you'd be at band last night.
[Andy:] Well I was supposed to be but erm every single time they arrange it... and they either tell me the wrong da well they told me the wrong day last week cos, they told me Tuesd they told me it was Thursday when it, when it was actually Tuesday when I was getting pissed at Scott's house... so erm it was too late by then. Then they said erm there's one on Sunday, oh no there isn't. And this
[Joanne:] What do you mean we didn't get pissed at Scott's at all.
[Andy:] and this
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Andy:] Didn't we?
[Helena:] Yes we did.
[Andy:] It was birthday... last Tuesday.
[Joanne:] Was it? Oh we weren't pissed.
[Andy:] Merry.
[Helena:] You two were, I wasn't.
[Joanne:] [shouting] I was not [] was I?
[Andy:] [LAUGHTER] I was [].
[Helena:] A little bit.
[Joanne:] [shouting] I wasn't [].
[Andy:] [LAUGHTER] I was [].
[Helena:] You couldn't see.
[Andy:] I couldn't.
[Joanne:] I was not at all.
[Andy:] I could just about hear Carter... in the far reaches of my mind. But erm
[Joanne:] He was I was fine. Course Helena... Mrs Hold My Drink, not that I get a hangover every single time or anything.
[Andy:] [LAUGHTER] Hangovers
[Helena:] I don't!
[Joanne:] You do!
[Andy:] What is a hangover?
[Helena:] Not after that I didn't.
[Andy:] What's a hangover?
[Helena:] Shut up Andy else you'll get a punch in the face.... I'm just going to
[Andy:] I bought my long sleeved Carter top today.
[Joanne:] What?
[Helena:] Oh yeah. Why aren't you wearing it?
[Andy:] I had to buy another long sleev no I well it's, it's a special purchase for tomorrow.
[Joanne:] What's this?
[Helena:] Oh thanks And
[Andy:] my sl, my long sleeved Carter top.
[Helena:] For my ace party.
[Joanne:] Go and get it then.
[Andy:] No....
[Helena:] We
[Joanne:] Well I want, I wanna wear my and I can't have it till my birthday.
[Andy:] I'm gonna be really annoying, I'm gonna cut my jeans off... half way down the shin.
[Helena:] No you're not!
[Joanne:] No.
[Andy:] I am.
[Joanne:] You're not cos you're gonna look a twat.
[Andy:] Well I am a twat.
[Helena:] Can, can I... can I feel your leg? Go on please?
[Joanne:] Easy access And.
[Andy:] What do you want? You've got a choi you've got a choice of three.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Andy:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] I'll have them all. [LAUGHTER]...
[Andy:] [yawn]...
[Helena:] Bit tired then?
[Andy:] Yeah well I didn't get up, didn't get up
[Joanne:] Where's Shrimpy?
[Andy:] didn't get up until seven.
[Helena:] Oh.
[Joanne:] Course Shrimpy said I'm gonna go and get you some matches, so what does he forget? You've got it
[Andy:] Matches.
[Helena:] I remembered everything else I wanted....
[Andy:] [singing] [] Oh it was so funny at work today, Greg fell off his chair.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Andy:] Packet of condoms fell out of his pocket
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Andy:] [LAUGHTER] And they were ripped [].
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Andy:] Ah no he was, he, he wouldn't sit on his chair cos he'd just called me an arsehole... and I goes oh sit down Greg! [LAUGHTER] I said sit down Gregory and shut up. So he went to sit down but his chair weren't there.... All I saw were this pair of legs sticking over the desk and him going aaaaagh!
[Joanne:] And his condoms
[Andy:] And he got up and then one of the girls said... hi Greg... dropped your johnnies. [LAUGHTER]
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER]
[Andy:] I've never seen anyone go so red in my life.
[Joanne:] How old's he?
[Andy:] Twenty three. He's married. [LAUGHTER]...
[Helena:] Well, so?
[Andy:] He got married si what three months ago.
[Helena:] Maybe he doesn't want any children yet.
[Andy:] He we he went redder than that....
[Helena:] redder than that? [singing in background]
[speaker002:] Is that your mum happy? [singing in background]
[Andy:] I in the bath. I walked in I, I had to lock the door with the penny, walked in, got the bog roll
[Joanne:] Do you realize you haven't called for Emma?...
[Helena:] Well done.
[Andy:] [singing] []
[Helena:] Oh what cos... that'll be alright won't it? It'll be alright.
[Joanne:] Scott come round and she'll meet us down here.
[Helena:] Yeah.
[Joanne:] Er? Oh well
[Helena:] Well when er when them two, when them lot go and get the stuff...
[Joanne:] [singing] Up above the streets and houses rainbow's flying high. Everyone can see them flying... in the sk [] oh did you see the rainbow today?
[Helena:] No.
[Joanne:] It was about what, four o'clock I went over Tesco's
[Andy:] Did I see the rainbow? I was in it.
[Joanne:] It was abs shut up, it was absolutely... massive.
[Helena:] What, in the rain?
[Andy:] In the rain, yes.
[Joanne:] Absolutely massive.
[Helena:] So was I.
[Joanne:] Absolutely massive it was.
[Helena:] Cos I had to walk home from school today.
[Joanne:] By Tesco's it was it was coming out the field. goes let's
[Helena:] Ah!
[Joanne:] rush over to see if we can find the pot of gold.
[Andy:] Well Andy is erm general errand boy for at the moment
[Helena:] Mm.
[Andy:] and
[Joanne:] What's your actual job?
[Andy:] What's my job title?
[Joanne:] Yeah.
[Andy:] Is claims... sorry... insurance claims correspondent.
[Helena:] Insurance clerk.
[Andy:] No, not clerk.
[Helena:] Oh....
[Andy:] I'm not a clerk thank you.... No I'm a claim correspondent.
[Helena:] Well if someone asks you what we, what you do...
[Andy:] I deal with claims.
[Helena:] Oh.
[Andy:] deal with insurance claims. I say whether or not we're gonna pay them.... Which is a fairly important job but I get paid shit. So there.
[Joanne:] It's only to five thousand pound And.
[Andy:] Eh?
[Joanne:] It's only up to five thousand pound....
[Andy:] Only what?
[Helena:] You only
[Joanne:] You can only do claims to five thousand pound can't you?
[Andy:] Ten thousand. That's a
[Joanne:] Ha it's gone up!
[Andy:] No it ain't. It was, it's five thousand without manager authorization.
[Joanne:] How much do you get paid a year? Just to be nosy like, you know....
[Andy:] Six thousand.
[Joanne:] Is that all?...
[Helena:] So you can give away more [LAUGHTER] than they, they gi than they pay you []?
[Andy:] For what I do my, my pay is shit.
[speaker002:] [shouting] Pardon []?
[Andy:] Really.
[Joanne:] I'd tell them where to go....
[Andy:] Well Shrimpy's on twice as much as I am....
[Helena:] You can't tell anything when you've
[Joanne:] Well all he
[Helena:] got a car.
[Joanne:] and anyway all he does is spring... inspect springs.
[Andy:] And people wonder why I've got no money.
[Helena:] Mm.
[Andy:] People why, wonder why I've got no money.
[Helena:] Become a spring inspector. [singing in background]
[Andy:] Oh that sounds really good.
[speaker002:] Oh god, is Hannah singing? [LAUGHTER]
[Andy:] Tell her to sit on that and swivel three times.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Andy:] Better make sure she wiped her arse properly first.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]... oh, oh dear [LAUGHTER] oh dear [].
[Andy:] [shouting] What []?
[speaker002:] Come here.
[Andy:] [shouting] What []?... You dumb fat cow.
[Joanne:] Don't be so nasty to your mum.
[Helena:] [sigh] [LAUGHTER] Oh dear oh dear [LAUGHTER] What?
[Joanne:] when he finds out. [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] He'll probably try and wrestle it away from me but
[Joanne:] It's no good quibbling. I wanna be famous.
[Helena:] I'll ask, I'll I'll ask h I'll tell him afterwards
[Joanne:] I wanna be famous he'll say.
[Helena:] but it'll sound really awful if I... I tell him now....
[Joanne:] Tell him at the end of the week.
[Helena:] Mm.... If he don't like it I can record over it but...
[Joanne:] No you won't.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] I know you. You're nasty-pasty aren't you?
[Helena:] No if he, if he really doesn't like it then I'll...... [sighing] oh dear []
[Joanne:] just tell him the truth.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Andy:] There it is, there it is. [singing] Mm mm []
[Helena:] Oh that's nice.
[Joanne:] Ugh it's horrible.
[Andy:] Mm
[Joanne:] What's it got, about thirty something?
[Andy:] Yeah.
[Joanne:] Why?...
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Oh Jo []!...
[Andy:] It's only the name of the album
[Joanne:] Well I didn't know!
[Andy:] You thick cow.
[Joanne:] I'm not a Carter fan myself.
[Andy:] You thick cow.
[Joanne:] They look like they're on something.
[Andy:] Yeah, so?
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] They probably are [].
[Andy:] They're on the stage for singing.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] Yeah... but, right, they're on drugs I reckon.
[Helena:] So? [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] So Andy doesn't like any such thing do you And?
[Andy:] I don't.
[Joanne:] So you shouldn't, you shouldn't
[Andy:] But I think the music's good....
[Helena:] Don't, don't put that on very loud, I've got a bit of a headache.
[Andy:] You'll have a lot of headache by the time I've finished.
[Helena:] What?
[Andy:] You'll have a lot of a headache by the time I've finished.... Now would I?... I don't play music loud....
[Joanne:] There you go.
[Andy:] Thank you. I couldn't have done that myself.
[Joanne:] I'm only helping. If you don't want any help just...
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] Alright, okay, fair enough, alright?... Thank you.
[Helena:] You can say it as loud as you like Jo.
[Joanne:] I know, I don't want to say it as loud as I like.
[Andy:] Go on, you shout it.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Andy:] open the door.... There we are there's no-one in there.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] It wasn't exactly a joke was it now Andy? It didn't make anybody laugh... because it was funny
[Andy:] You both laughed when I shut the door.
[Joanne:] No it's just cos you're a twat
[Andy:] Yes it's... vagina.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] We know.
[Andy:] See the tufts of hair spring out... and the clitoris bulge.
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER] [music] [LAUGHTER] Shut up.
[Helena:] No I know but......
[Andy:] It should be quite...
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] What are you looking at him like that for?... What?
[Andy:] That to you dunnit?
[Helena:] What?
[Joanne:] No.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]...
[Andy:] ...
[speaker002:] listen to it.
[Andy:] Yeah, it's dynamic....
[speaker002:] Bit louder cos it's
[Andy:] to drown you out.......
[Joanne:] [singing to music] [singing to music]
[Helena:] Andy... Andy... Andy... [shouting] Andy [] How could you?
[Andy:] What? How could I what?
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Andy:] What, bought that?
[Helena:] What?
[Andy:] Have I what?...
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]... Well one, how could you have bought that and two, how could you let her... drone through it like that?
[Andy:] Well
[Helena:] Oh.
[Andy:] ... I bought that cos it's good.
[speaker002:] Nobody wants to listen to it,.
[Andy:] ...
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Well you did. I could imagine []
[Andy:] It's fun. get hours of pleasure out of this. What are you... complaining about? You would have gone out and bought it.
[Helena:] No I wouldn't. [LAUGHTER] Well Dynamike
[Andy:] Mm?
[Joanne:] She plays on yours all the time about her, your Dynamike
[Andy:] Mm.
[Helena:] Mm mm mm
[Andy:] Mm.
[Helena:] If it wasn't f
[Joanne:] he's going to be dead.
[Helena:] if it wasn't for your Dynamike I don't know what I'd do with myself of an evening....
[Andy:] in the front actually.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Ah
[Joanne:] Carrots.
[Andy:] With wings.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Andy:] With wings....
[Helena:] Oh really?
[Andy:] Mm.
[Helena:] Alright Clare Rayner.... Oh by the way, if Clare comes tomorrow she's bringing her boyfriend.
[Andy:] Is she?
[Helena:] Mm. [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] Right on.
[Andy:] Long as he wears a kilt....
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] I wanna meet him actually,
[Joanne:] I'm not wearing a kilt
[Andy:] What? What?
[Joanne:] I said I'm not wearing a kilt.... I don't love you any more. Alright I love you then
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER]
[Andy:] you can.
[Joanne:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] Alright we'll we'll arm wrestle we'll arm wrestle
[Joanne:] No cos I can ar you can arm wrestle, I can't. That's your for being such a all day....
[Andy:] [singing] Come on home []
[Joanne:] Laura got done for skiving yesterday, they all went to Pam's house. Skived Tuesday Wednesday Thursday off. Lisa got caught Her mum saw her... and she Laura... and erm to get caught.
[Andy:] [whistling]
[Helena:] That's mine....
[Joanne:] though.
[Helena:] Mrs wasn't there....
[Andy:] How many?
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] What []?... Don't! [LAUGHTER]... [LAUGHTER] Give it here [].
[Andy:] Hey it's on.
[Helena:] What? I know it's on. I'm recording you.
[Andy:] Are you?
[Helena:] Yeah. [LAUGHTER]
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] Er... maybe, hold that a minute Jo. [LAUGHTER] Maybe I'd better tell you what this is all about. [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] She's getting a twenty five pound voucher for doing this from Marks and Spencers.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Andy:] What?
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] Not just you, everybody.
[Andy:] Twenty five pound voucher for what?... Oh yeah!...
[Helena:] You looked shocked there And, when you spotted that I thought oh my god.... Oh that's my things, it's alright. But don't you say anything to anybody else cos... What? Yeah I've got, I've got all your right ups and everything.
[Andy:] Oh yeah!
[Helena:] E even before you came home I switched it on....
[Andy:] Oh I was just
[Helena:] What?
[Andy:] Get out. I could sue you for that.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] I know. [LAUGHTER] No.
[Joanne:] No she'd record over it if she didn't
[Helena:] No but you see I couldn't tell you at the start because you'd sound, you wouldn't have said half the things you did say.
[Andy:] I would.
[Helena:] And you've gotta, you've gotta like talk totally normally you see....
[Andy:] never normal
[Joanne:] Yeah on there
[Helena:] No but you normal for you
[Andy:] I wanna hear it. I wanna hear it.... What, what is it
[Helena:] Yeah but
[Andy:] in aid of?
[Helena:] You've go you've gone in the little book
[Andy:] Oh!
[Helena:] Except you've gone in as ins insurance clerk cos we couldn't, we couldn't decide what you were.
[Andy:] Oh! That's really gonna cock things up innit? An insurance clerk yeah
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER] Yeah you've got all the... you know a condom dropped out of his pocket and everything [] [LAUGHTER]
[Andy:] Oh good.
[Joanne:] I bet you feel ace. Don't tell Shrimpy, we
[Andy:] Did I say on there?
[Helena:] Yeah.
[Andy:] Insurance er
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]... No do no... it's it's it's totally
[Andy:] that's me.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] it's erm it's totally anonymous anyway. But like they're just doing a survey
[Andy:] Where did you get that from?
[Joanne:] It's a bloke come round.
[Helena:] A bloke came round and gave it all me.... And I've got
[Joanne:] Cos they got to her house first cheat
[Helena:] I've gotta tape all my conversations for a week.... And like
[Andy:] Keep it and run off.
[Helena:] What? [LAUGHTER] No I
[Joanne:] like tomorrow night
[Andy:] Oh yeah!
[Helena:] I, I had to sign a bit of paper.
[Andy:] We'll be arseholed.
[Helena:] I know. It's gonna be so funny. [LAUGHTER]
[Andy:] Ah no!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] You were shocked. You should have seen your face!
[Andy:] No I looked at it, I goes oh it's recording. I thought oh, I thought it was like one of your tapes and I'd pressed record and it had started recording over it.
[speaker002:] Sshh...
[Helena:] Hello Em. Alright Emma?
[Joanne:] He just found out. [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] Found out about what?
[Helena:] Nothing [LAUGHTER]
[speaker002:] [shouting] Aha []...
[Helena:] Oh well how are you doing then Scott my friend?
[Scott:] Oh alright, just about. Now did you see it last night?
[Helena:] What?... No. Me and Emma were talking
[Emma:] You know I'm babysitting on Wednesdays?
[Helena:] upstairs for ages and we
[Scott:] You taped it?
[Helena:] No....
[Scott:] I can't believe it, I've been slagging off for the three weeks this is crap, this is really naff. Last night
[speaker002:] So you babysit Wednesday?
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Scott:] remember I've got the equivalent of high graphic B S E? She's going a-raving in a red... red and white checked dress with a big floppy hat with pigtails and this little glove puppet penguin called Mr Flipper
[speaker002:] Every Wednesday is it Emm?
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Scott:] [LAUGHTER] and it was so stupid [].
[Emma:] Bridge. Playing bridge for some.
[speaker002:] [whistling] Eh?
[Andy:] Well erm someone fell off a chair to
[Scott:] It was you again?
[Andy:] what?
[Scott:] It was you again was it?
[Andy:] No it wasn't me
[Helena:] [shouting] Oh by the way Scott []
[speaker002:] Don't tell him.
[Helena:] Alright.... Nothing. [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER] []
[Andy:] Don't tell him hey! Come on, don't tell him he's being recorded on tape, you know
[Scott:] Oh!
[Helena:] Oh dumb! [LAUGHTER]
[Scott:] Don't tell him. Thank you....
[speaker002:] We all are.
[Scott:] Oh... good job I wasn't
[Helena:] No if you know you don't talk normally. He's just been telling us about how this bloke's condoms dropped out of his pocket.
[Andy:] Yeah I said
[Scott:] Oh it's this thing?
[Helena:] What?
[Scott:] Oh this bloody thing that you've been
[Helena:] Yeah.
[Scott:] ah.
[Joanne:] Except Emma has already told.
[Andy:] talking about condoms and me throwing up and all this.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Andy:] They've got me down as being, you know, insurance clerk.
[Helena:] No a
[Andy:] Oh yes!
[Helena:] no it's
[speaker002:] Andrew.
[Helena:] Andrew.
[speaker002:] Andrew.
[Andy:] Andrew insurance clerk
[Helena:] Cos it's ano i cos it's anonymous
[speaker002:] It's anonymous. Anonymous it is. Anonymous [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] Cos on once it leaves me... they don't know who it is. They just get the book and they get all the tapes.
[Andy:] Well I told them what it is now, Insurance P L C
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Andy:] [LAUGHTER] All the claims come in [].
[Helena:] But you're not, you're not allowed to talk to it see, you've got to talk to each other.
[speaker002:] Claims to be the pervert.
[Emma:] Yeah. Like we were last night.
[Helena:] You're not suppose [LAUGHTER] except we did []. We [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER] Yeah []
[Scott:] Well that's really taking the whole thing seriously.
[Emma:] The only, see the first thing I noticed
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] the first thing I noticed about you when you walked in was you'd got, you'd got... that's on the top of my eyes by the way, not the bottom because of our []
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] something.
[Helena:] I was listening to it t oh I've got a letter for you. Because I was writing it in R E
[Scott:] Yeah, you owe me a letter.
[speaker002:] Who?
[Scott:] You wrote me a letter Thursday
[speaker002:] as well. Cos went up there on purpose Emma.
[Scott:] Cos I phoned you
[speaker002:] Emma?
[Scott:] and you said you had a letter.
[speaker002:] She purposely went up
[Scott:] A letter.
[speaker002:] to get the matches out the bedroom. What did she do? You guessed it [LAUGHTER] Whoops.
[Emma:] Why do I owe you a letter?
[Scott:] You wrote me a letter.... Thursday.
[Emma:] Yeah I know but I weren't gonna give it you.
[speaker002:] They're strange aren't they?
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Well why do you think we kept turning the music down? []?
[Andy:] No... it's just that you come in my house, fine. You can record my voice, fine... but you turn me music down
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER] Yeah [].
[Andy:] you're
[Joanne:] That's why I did it see?
[Helena:] That's why we kept turning it down.
[speaker002:] Oh sorry. Hey! Won't do it again. You'll kill Shrimpy.... Talk amongst yourselves.... No...
[Emma:] I fancy Bungle.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] I was watching Rainbow earlier.
[speaker002:] Did you see the rainbow over Tesco's? No. Yeah we had one.
[Emma:] Bung Bungle had his sun hat on he was dead sexy
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] you should have seen it.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]...
[Andy:] One missing
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] It were really good it were.
[speaker002:] And talking of did you hear my song? My one
[Helena:] Yeah please please don't
[speaker002:] [singing] under a tree people are making the rubber johnnies []
[Andy:] Oh god, no not this.
[speaker002:] [singing] red ones, yellow ones take your pick [] [LAUGHTER] [singing] it all depends on the length of your dick... or prick []. Or prick was my little ending. Cos I thought I was cool [music]
[Helena:] You'll have to speak up now everybody.
[speaker002:] I watched the end of the video. On one thing that really drives me mad about Carter. Why does he rest his nose on the microphone? Yeah.
[Helena:] [singing] Our house []
[speaker002:] She thought you said knobs. why does he rest his knob [LAUGHTER] on the microphone []? Perhaps his name's
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker002:] No, he wasn't on about knobs, on about
[Scott:] Oh.... Gonna say yeah. Gonna say... you know my mum put that bloody card up don't you?
[speaker002:] What card?
[Scott:] The one you sent me.
[speaker002:] Oh did she?
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] The card [].
[Scott:] I just left all my cards in a pile that night cos I was a bit
[speaker002:] Were you?
[Scott:] And erm... and the ne oh oh about two days later I'm looking at them... oh... on the mantelpiece... I better
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Scott:] I can't move it cos it'll be conspicuous by it's absence
[speaker002:] Did she laugh?
[Scott:] I dunno, she just put it up.
[speaker002:] I thought it was good. Mr bulge. Yeah. So no-one saw Mr Bean's... I Wanna Be Elected? You know on er... on Monday? he goes oh shit yeah of course [singing along to record] 8
[Scott:] This is a quiet bit, just talk amongst yourselves.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]... Don't talk to it because it ma it sounds stu... I was listening to us this morning.... Piss on my grave! [LAUGHTER] I was just going... I was listen... I was listening
[Scott:] You, I'll urinate.
[Helena:] I was listening to the end bit, I was saying... what were we about at the end.
[speaker002:] Is, is Shrimpy coming or what? Yeah he is. let's, let's shake this. [LAUGHTER] ... Yeah.
[Helena:] I can hear your penny shaking in there ha ha ha [LAUGHTER] and I was listening... oh Jesus []. [LAUGHTER]... What's the matter?
[Scott:] That could be him now. Yippee.
[Mark Shrimpy:] Andrew.
[Joanne:] Oh, wasn't I supposed to say anything?
[Mark Shrimpy:] Andrew.
[Andy:] [shouting] What []?
[Helena:] I'll finish the horror tape one night....
[Joanne:] Turn over. We're on to tape two now?
[Helena:] Yeah we're on to tape two cos this A side of tape two.
[speaker002:] ... Oh I've lost a quid!
[Helena:] Have you?
[speaker002:] Yeah I ate it. Where have you dropped it?
[Helena:] You paid, you paid me with it.
[speaker002:] Well it was in here And now it's not? when I came down earlier and now it's er gone.... Shrimpy Whoops. [LAUGHTER] Er no Whoops... whoops quarter past six.
[Mark Shrimpy:] excuse me but a ninety pound deal sort of like knocked the... stuffing out of me for
[speaker002:] Yeah but you were supposed to put it in last night, not... this morning.... Can I have them now?
[Mark Shrimpy:] I haven't got it.
[speaker002:] You haven't got them? Where are they?
[Mark Shrimpy:] Probably at home, I got bollocksed for having them last night as well.
[speaker002:] Why?
[Mark Shrimpy:] said you're not starting fires again are you? I said oh yeah watch me start a fire....
[speaker002:] Oh boots.... Can you get me some of them boots? Yeah.
[Mark Shrimpy:] Pardon?
[speaker002:] Can you get it? I haven't had one yet
[Mark Shrimpy:] Oh ch I'm getting... [LAUGHTER]
[speaker002:] What?
[Mark Shrimpy:] I don't know what's happening. I'm just gonna get
[Joanne:] Ah! That could have been painful that could you bitch.
[Mark Shrimpy:] Ow! It could have been. That ninety pound bill was painful, I can tell you that much. What ninety pound bill for what?
[speaker002:] I hit my car on the kerb. The wheel had a bulge in it, I went to have it fixed and the
[Helena:] I'm alright thank you.
[Mark Shrimpy:] Good.
[Joanne:] I don't believe that.
[Mark Shrimpy:] What?
[Joanne:] You've only had that car a fortnight and you've already done about... five hundred about four hundred and fifty pound worth of damage.... Who's fault is it? Oh no look it was the invisible man driving the car.
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] It's all my fault.
[Joanne:] You had that Allegro
[Mark Shrimpy:] Three hundred and fifty pounds worth. not my fault, it was the, the other driver's fault.
[speaker002:] Well it was. Yes, exactly.
[Mark Shrimpy:] I was just
[speaker002:] Right we're going out, come on.
[Helena:] Are we?
[speaker002:] Yes.... [singing] Our house []
[Mark Shrimpy:] And how are you Andy? You're looking jolly. Yes, good. [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] Did you switch it on... last night? You know when it was going really weird?
[Helena:] Yeah, then I turned it off.
[Joanne:] What did you switch it on for?
[Helena:] To record.... Cos everybody was talking....
[Joanne:] Don't tomorrow....
[Helena:] What you writing?
[Joanne:] Only a letter. Ah ah... aha!
[Helena:] Well it's got my name in it!
[Joanne:] So?...
[Helena:] So?
[Joanne:] Yeah so, you don't need to know do you?
[Helena:] Oh thanks.
[Joanne:] And I'm only putting... Helena and Emma were talking to each other on the bus. That's all I've put....
[Helena:] Well just tell him I'm not getting involved with it, alright?
[Joanne:] I know, he never said you was.... You tell him. I told him I'm not getting, I'm not even seeing him.
[Helena:] And tell him no arguing tonight.
[Joanne:] You tell him!...
[Helena:] Alright.
[Joanne:] It's your party.
[Helena:] Alright I will.... [sigh] I wonder if Pete will come tonight?
[Joanne:] Dunno....
[Helena:] Sh when er... when Emma told me... that erm Richard said that they probably weren't going to Tramps I was, I was walking around going... oh... boo hoo boo hoo I'm so sad [LAUGHTER] all the time going [] oh boo hoo boo hoo
[Joanne:] [LAUGHTER] oh don't look at my letter. I saw you you crafty sod [].
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] And... and... er Scott kept going what you doing? I was going nothing, I'm just being sad. Boooo hoooo [LAUGHTER]. It was really funny. Oh I was laughing all... [singing] still dream of love []... [yawning] oh dear. I'm so tired []. That was I'm so tired. [LAUGHTER] [singing] And who can say... begin.... responsibilities []...
[Joanne:] That's very nice.
[Helena:] What?
[Joanne:] Bastards....
[Helena:] Have you only just noticed? All the times I've played it, have you only just noticed? My mum hasn't even noticed yet. I were playing it really really loud this morning.
[Joanne:] I had mine on this morning... [singing] [] and er... but she was out anyway....
[Helena:] My mum nearly said shit yesterday, a nervous breakdown. She goes er... she goes ssshhhh... no I'd better not say that since, seeing as you're in. I goes mum I've heard it all before!... For goodness sake. I don't know what she thinks I am. You know, someone, you know? I'm not a flipping nun am I?... I've just finished.... Lovely... I'm so pleased.
[Joanne:] for long are you?
[Helena:] About five days.... [singing] I was blinded []... [sigh]... What time are we gonna chuck them out tonight?
[Joanne:] Dunno.
[Helena:] Half one?
[Joanne:] If you like, I'm not bothered. It's your party.
[Helena:] I know it's ace. First time I've ever had a party.
[Joanne:] How do you spell disagreed?
[Helena:] D, D I S
[Joanne:] A G
[Helena:] A G R double E D.
[Joanne:] R E E D yeah. It was just the D that was wrong....
[Helena:] Oh dear... I'm really really really really really looking forward to it.... Not that you can tell or anything. [LAUGHTER]...
[Joanne:] I can't get anything out in the crossword, I've only got thirst....
[Helena:] [reading] First guardian citizen []... don't know.
[Joanne:] Heavenly....
[Helena:] Don't know. [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] How do you spell saw as in looked?
[Helena:] What? Sa S A W.
[Joanne:] S A W? I can never remember....
[Helena:] [singing] Oh I didn't know W H Smith's had been around for two hundred years....
[Joanne:] I thought it was twenty myself. Two hundred?
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] It must be....
[Joanne:] can't be. Does it say on the bottom?
[Helena:] No. But it must be mustn't it?
[Joanne:] Oh aye. What's that? Fifteen seventeen... ninety two?
[Helena:] Suppose so.
[Joanne:] Didn't think they had shops in them days. [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Oh yeah Jo.
[Joanne:] [LAUGHTER] Only joking []....
[Helena:] Oh... Two hours left, ha ha ha. Bye bye mummy and daddy. [LAUGHTER]... Watch me weep....
[Joanne:] cheek. Not cheek cheek but cheek as in... cheek, you know?
[Helena:] It's just spelt the same.
[Joanne:] How do you spell it?
[Helena:] C H.. double E K.... You can't spell anything you.
[Joanne:] I know, I'm crap at spelling, I'm sorry. But nobody's perfect.
[Helena:] I know.
[Joanne:] I can spell long words, I can never spell short words. spell it.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Have you seen my nail file?
[Joanne:] No....
[Helena:] Can't find anything in this room, it's so messy.
[Joanne:] Scott then had the cheek to tell me... What can I put, good luck?
[Helena:] Yeah.
[Joanne:] Cheek to tell me good... luck.
[Helena:] Wish me good luck it should be....
[Joanne:] Got any Tippex?... Please.
[Helena:] Er... no, just cross it out.
[Joanne:] No I wanna keep it neat. It's one of these important letters.
[Helena:] Oh never mind it doesn't really matter.
[Joanne:] [shouting] No in your bag [].
[Helena:] Is it?
[Joanne:] God... you lazy sod.... I'm gonna, I'm gonna get Scott tonight if he makes any comments and this fist is gonna go strop... straight where it hurts.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] He's just got me mad now telling me to good luck. He really has, he's got me really... aaaah!
[Helena:] Oh, where's my nail file gone?...
[Joanne:] God this Tippex stiff enough?
[Helena:] Yeah.
[Joanne:] Andrew... I said something about stiff right, and he goes what? I goes I didn't mean it like that. [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] Can you un o can you undo it? turn it?... Oh
[Helena:] Give it here.... [grunt]
[Joanne:] [LAUGHTER] Sounding very kinky.... Oh not your teeth!... That'll do now.... I always get Ti ugh it's all over your face, Tippex. [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] Is it? [LAUGHTER] Oh never mind....
[Joanne:] He has got me annoyed now, he really has done....
[Helena:] [sighing] Oh dear []...
[Joanne:] yesterday... meaning... when... you... come
[Helena:] Er... think I'll put a bit of Beatles on.
[Joanne:] Oh no. Emma said
[Helena:] I'm in a Beatles mood.
[Joanne:] I'm telling him all about it now, Emma said... she... doesn't need it
[Helena:] What?
[Joanne:] Good luck.
[Helena:] Oh....
[Joanne:] And I replied... Shrimpy's fine aha...
[Helena:] nail file
[Joanne:] Shrimpy's fine. He phoned me this morning... this morning... and put... and... he's alright....
[speaker002:] [singing] Love love me do... you know I love you []
[Helena:] You'll start writing that if you're not careful.
[Joanne:] What?...
[Helena:] Cos if I sing, when I'm doing my homework if I sing along to a tape or something I start writing the words down.
[Joanne:] You're weird then cos I don't.... Anyway...
[Helena:] Oh.
[Joanne:] we left them
[Helena:] Oh that's the letter Shrimpy se sent me.
[Joanne:] Oh right. Left them and said... we left them and said
[Helena:] He had such a go at me for showing it my mum. [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] anyway we left them and... and said
[Helena:] Whoops.
[Joanne:] I said... come to mine at four.
[Helena:] [singing] Somebody new []... oh. Right, that's all my clothes put away.
[Joanne:] Scott makes
[Helena:] [singing] love me do []
[Joanne:] any comments... tonight
[Helena:] [singing] please me do []
[Joanne:] he's getting it in the gones.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] You love Scott really.
[Joanne:] I don't.... How do you spell
[Helena:] I'm going
[Joanne:] you spell gones?...
[Helena:] G O N E... G O N... E S...
[Joanne:] Gones that is.... Gon gon double O?...
[Helena:] No cos you spell gonad G O N A D.
[Joanne:] G O?
[Helena:] Just put gonads.
[Joanne:] That's, what's it? A
[Helena:] A D S... Yeah.
[Joanne:] Gonads.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] as he... is an... interfering... what's the word when you say he thinks he's perfect and he's mister hard man?...
[Helena:] Big head?...
[Joanne:] Interfering... big head
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] overprotect protect protective... bastard.
[Helena:] Oh you're not gonna start a massive argument tonight are you Jo?
[Joanne:] No. No, I'm just telling the truth what I think of him....
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] Er... [singing] [] although
[Helena:] You're such a good singer. [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] So? I don't care. So Helena wishes... that... there will be... no arguments... or slanging, slagging matches... is it slanging or slagging off?
[Helena:] Slanging.
[Joanne:] Slanging... matches... Don't worry there won't be, I'll just hit him.... Won't be as after I've give him one
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] he won't be able to move.
[Helena:] Oh I'm looking forward to tonight so much now.
[Joanne:] So am I.
[Helena:] Joanne... please don't start a massive argument.
[Joanne:] I've give him one he won't be... able to move let alone talk.
[Helena:] [singing] []...
[Joanne:] your letters look nice and neat, mine are always scraggy, I can never understand them. [reading] Dear Helena, I don't really... rea really know how to put this but I've had... I'll have a go. I'm sorry about being in a mood on Saturday but I wasn't really in a mood with you. I'll now tol t [] no [reading] I know I told you that I was... that I was feeling
[Helena:] That, that's
[Joanne:] sorry for someone not Emma or
[Helena:] he's done a sentence wrong there.
[Joanne:] one like that []. Yeah. [reading] I care for Emma more than I can say but I also care for you and I'm really sorry if you were hurt. At the moment everyone has been talking about other people behind people's backs. I didn't tell you what Emma thought because I... don't []... is that a blank page?
[Helena:] Yeah.
[Joanne:] [reading] I don't think a person told... I don't think a person told to... apologize isn't rea really an apology so I think there must be a reason why you didn't and so told me on Sunday why you didn't []. What a load of waffle.
[Helena:] Oh I know, he just waffles.
[Joanne:] [reading] I was going to apologize for being... stupid on Sunday when you both disappeared. Me and Andy looked all over, looked for both of you. Last night I had a few things on my mind to be able to... apologize. I'm sorry and hope we can still be friends [].
[Helena:] I read it and I just went... what! for a start and then I went, and then I went... well he can't have looked around for us too well because we were walking by the side of the road.
[Joanne:] But... yeah he probably come past... no he probably went up there as we come down that corner... by erm Ipsleigh and when they come back we'd probably gotten here by then....
[Helena:] But we, I mean we were walking by the side of the road all the way up Greenlands Drive.
[Joanne:] What did I say, Scott then had the cheek to something me?... Wish me, that was it wasn't it?...
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Scott's not your best friend at the moment then?
[Joanne:] Oh you may not have, you may have gathered that like anyway. Erm enough... enough... of slagging... slagging... the little shit I think
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] The little shit [].
[Joanne:] shit stirrer. No, yes, shit? I think that's, I think that's good actually... stirrer, how do you spell stirrer? S T double R
[Helena:] S T I double R E R....
[Joanne:] that was all. Stirrer... and... on to more... important business, I think that sounds quite good actually, important... right at the bottom of the page... business... drink
[Helena:] Drink?
[Joanne:] [LAUGHTER]...
[Helena:] Will you go with him and get it?
[Joanne:] Yeah. Drink... erm... can... you, what time is it?
[Helena:] Half one.
[Joanne:] Can you come... to...
[Helena:] ?
[Joanne:] No.
[Helena:] Oh I'm surprised.
[Joanne:] He's had his hair cut this morning, reckons on having it cut short, really short. I said don't Shrimp
[Helena:] Ooh.
[Joanne:] I said it looks nice as it is and I don't know if he will or not, I forgot to ask him on the phone. Can you come to Helena's at... seven forty five... pardon me... and... er isn't it? I don't expect... Scott and Emma... will... come... in... your... car... but... I would just go... with... you... if... that's... okay. Don't let anyone listen to this tape.
[Helena:] Why?
[Joanne:] Cos it's got all me reading this out... all about Scott hasn't it?...
[Helena:] Jo no-one listens to my tapes anyway.
[Joanne:] No I mean like... you know?
[Helena:] Emma and Scott?
[Joanne:] Yeah.
[Helena:] Course I won't!
[Joanne:] Well er on their Walkman, on the earphones.
[Helena:] Mm.... [singing] Yeah yeah yeah []
[Joanne:] go with you if that's okay.... Helena reckons... she... will chuck... you all out
[Helena:] No I'll chu I tell you, I'll chuck him and Scott out if they both start.
[Joanne:] No I'm not on about that I'm on about lea chucking them out at one o'clock.
[Helena:] Ah.... Half one
[Joanne:] at... one thirty AM
[Helena:] -ish -ish
[Joanne:] one thirty AM-ish, there we go.
[Helena:] depending on what we're doing.
[Joanne:] [singing] hold your hand []
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] No I'm only
[Joanne:] I'll ask him if he knows whether Pete's coming.... coming... tonight, not in a sperm way.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] not... in a... sperm... way
[Helena:] Sperm way?
[Joanne:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] ... I'm being really funny there. Wasn't that funny? Ha ha.
[Helena:] Oh it was hilarious.
[Joanne:] I thought it was quite good for me actually. You laughed so just shut up.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]... [singing] It's such a feeling that my love I can't hide, I can't hide, I can't hide []
[Joanne:] that my love I can't hide, I can't hide, I can't hide []. Bring this down so we can listen to this.
[Helena:] [singing] Yeah you got that something []. Is, yeah you're a good old Beatles fan you are Jo....
[Joanne:] I want to get down and boogie, do that head bashing like we did at that gig.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Oh Jo [] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] [singing] Wanna hold your hand, I wanna hold your hand, I wanna hold your hand... mm mm mm mm mm mm I feel happy inside []
[Helena:] I feel happy inside [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] [singing] feeling that my love I can't hide [] well blooming... er what's his name, Julian won't disappear will he cos Liz isn't here.
[Helena:] No....
[Joanne:] [singing] [] I'm not disappearing all night anyway.... I'll put... erm I'll tell you... now... shit, is that how you spell now? It's not it's know innit?...
[Helena:] What? That's know, now is N O W.
[Joanne:] [sigh] I always do that.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] I always put K's in front of it, always forget. I think I've done it further actually. Well further behind actually.... [singing] I can't hide, I can't hide [] I think I put new actually.
[Helena:] [singing] and I'll kiss you tomorrow I'll miss you []
[Joanne:] [singing] you tomorrow I'll miss you remember I'll [] aaaaaggghhh
[Helena:] Always be true
[Joanne:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] and then while I'm away
[Joanne:] [singing] while I'm away
[Helena:] I'll write home every day
[Joanne:] I'll write [] alright! [singing] every day
[Helena:] and I'll send all my loving to you
[Joanne:] and I'll send all my loving to you [] I knew that bit.
[Helena:] [singing] I'll pretend that I'm kissing
[Joanne:] [singing] pretend that I'm kissing [] alright then
[Helena:] the lips I am missing and your dreams will come true []
[Joanne:] [singing] lips I am missing [] I like this one. Have to put this on tomorrow night if Pete ain't here.
[Helena:] If Pete isn't here?...
[Joanne:] [singing] I'm away write home every day []
[Helena:] There's still gonna be music on even if Pete can't.
[Joanne:] No this song I meant. [singing] loving to you []
[Helena:] What do you mean, if Pete isn't here?
[Joanne:] Lips that I'm missing. [singing] loving I will send to you []... have to tell him we're boogieing away. We... are
[Helena:] [singing] All my loving []
[Joanne:] boo how do you spell boogieing? Is it B
[Helena:] B double O
[Joanne:] Alright I know, I don't wanna s oh put, I'll put bogying I know me.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] [LAUGHTER] boogieing [] away... to
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] bogying [] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] Yeah... Beatles... what was this one called? [singing] tomorrow I'll miss you
[Helena:] Erm
[Joanne:] and remember I'll always be true []
[Helena:] it's erm... oh damn!
[Joanne:] don't matter. Yeah boogieing away to the Beatles, they are ace....
[Helena:] All my loving.
[Joanne:] Alright. And we are going... to listen to them tonight.... so tough shit
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] So tough shit []. [LAUGHTER]... Ooh an hour and a half
[Joanne:] I think that'll do.
[Helena:] boo hoo bye mummy and daddy.
[Joanne:] God you're counting!
[Helena:] I am.
[Joanne:] Helena is counting... the minutes...
[Helena:] Until mummy and daddy... ha ha... are going.
[Joanne:] her mummy
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Mummy and daddy, ha ha ha, childish [].
[Joanne:] and daddy... [singing] love [] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] If you could have just seen yourself then, you leapt up
[Joanne:] till her mummy and daddy go
[Helena:] [singing] buy you diamond ring my friend if it makes you feel alright... I'd get you everything my friend if it makes you feel alright... I don't care too much for money, money can't buy me love []
[Joanne:] [singing] ring my friend if it makes you feel alright [] it's ace if you just sit down and listen to the old Beatles isn't it? [singing] feel alright... I don't care too much for money, money can't be me love can't be me love [] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] [singing] say you love me too
[Joanne:] Anyway
[Helena:] I may not have a lot to give but what I've got I'll give to you
[Joanne:] good luck [LAUGHTER] I don't care too much for money, money can't buy me love, buy me love but you need it... I don't
[Helena:] everybody tells me so []... oh I'm such a good singer, ha ha ha
[Joanne:] anyway good luck you need it I don't
[Helena:] [singing] no no no no []
[Joanne:] [singing] no []... in fact... don't worry... about
[Helena:] I wouldn't let anyone else find that letter if I were you....
[Joanne:] don't worry about Scott's... how do you spell opin oh opinions, right
[Helena:] O P I N I O N S
[Joanne:] I know.... If my mum finds it I'm dead....
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] Basically.
[Helena:] Basically....
[Joanne:] [singing] love []... don't want that pound back... squirm. Oh god piece of paper now. [singing] no diamond rings and I'll be satisfied... that money just can't buy
[Helena:] [singing] that money just can't buy []
[Joanne:] I don't care too much for money money can't buy me love... love love... can't buy me love []
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Oh dear oh dear oh me. It's only half... well twenty to two and I'm blooming tired. I want to go to bed.
[Joanne:] God you're such a lazy... have you got an envelope?
[Helena:] No.
[Joanne:] Only cos then if we sent them nobody's gonna likely to spot it. Please, you must have an envelope somewhere.... [singing] and I've been working
[Helena:] [singing] and I've been working
[Joanne:] like a dog, it's been a hard day's night boom boom boom boom... sleeping [] hope they don't come too early, although... then we'll, I can just leave a note. [singing] that you do will make me feel alright [] ta.... [singing] work all day... money []
[Helena:] [singing] work all day to get your [] oh talk of the devil, Richard 's out there.
[Joanne:] Ha your lover!
[Helena:] Oh I, I was so frightened yesterday when he came round.
[Joanne:] He were just made me laugh come on then I'll just come out with you, in the garden. And I come out he goes oh it's cold I'm just gonna get me coat, I'll be back in a minute
[Helena:] Ooh... he's dead creepy though isn't he?
[Joanne:] Yeah. He's alright though.
[Helena:] I know he's alright but
[Joanne:] no problems.
[Helena:] he kep I was laying there and I was just dropping off to sleep, I was oh it was, and he, in h in he waltzes... oh I, he, I, he goes what you doing in here? I goes what the hell's it look like, I'm going to sleep!
[Joanne:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] He goes... he goes you can't go to sleep, and he sat on the edge of my bed for about quarter of an hour.
[Joanne:] [LAUGHTER] Your bed. What do you mean your bed []? You was on Andrew's. Ooh ah [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] Well I was only going to [LAUGHTER] sleep Jo [], I wasn't doing anything, I'm just tired.
[Joanne:] Oh I can't put it in there, it's not going to fit....
[Helena:] [singing] things that you do []
[Joanne:] [singing] will make me feel alright []
[speaker002:] [humming along to record]
[Helena:] And like he just, he just sat there... and it was, ooh it was so creepy. And like I thought I'm not gonna look up in case he goes for me or something, so I just kept my head in the pillow and pretended the light was blinding me [LAUGHTER] oh ha ha []... [singing] cos when I get you alone []... what?
[Joanne:] in their car.
[Helena:] What?
[Joanne:] [singing] home []...
[Helena:] What's the matter?
[Joanne:] I don't think... [singing] holding me tight tight [] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] Can see me tonight can't you?
[Helena:] Ah you are going to be so arsed, it's going to be so funny.
[Joanne:] I won't be that bad, I won't have any ci er get one gotta get some, have to now cos we're not gonna have any. I doubt if I'm gonna get Phyllis is there. Phyllis and Johnnie.... I call them but it's not, it's.... Oh I've got a sore knee ooh
[Helena:] It's no wonder!
[Joanne:] I've got fluid on it, it hurts.... [singing] []...
[Helena:] Ooh
[Joanne:] Well you go to sleep bef when they've gone, when they go out...
[Helena:] Yeah, have a bit of a kip for a bit can't I?
[Joanne:] I doubt if erm we'll be down here before she goes up to mine... I don't reckon.
[Helena:] When? Yeah she is, she's dropping in for after, after mum and dad go have the hand slapping and the... yeah they've gone!... Anyway I wanna have a bit of a talk to her. [sigh]
[Joanne:] What about?
[Helena:] Well about all this business with Shrimpy....
[Joanne:] Yeah but you, you must admit Shrimpy's trying his damn hardest.
[Helena:] I, I, I mean I don't know, I wasn't there for half the things she was talking about last night, I mean I was upstairs for three quarters of an hour trying to go to sleep
[Joanne:] Yeah well I mean I was there and all they did was they didn't say anything to each other, in the same room, just acted totally normally but didn't say anything to each other.... Shrimpy's trying his flipping nice to try and let this drop and just. We all know he still fancies her... he's just trying to, you know... keep it... he's just trying to forget it and try and act as normal as possible with her and hopefully things will get back to be back to... what, what they were.... But flipping Scott, mister interferior
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Interferior []? [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] Yeah interferer. Flipping... no, it really annoys me that does. They're always going on about how much Shrimpy... gets other people involved and... can't... stick up for himself aren't they? And bloody... Scott runs rushing off and thinks he's mister hard man.... What sort of things are you gonna say anyway?
[Helena:] Well I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna say that Joanne's a bit worried about Shrimpy... which is true
[Joanne:] Yeah.
[Helena:] you know? And I'm just gonna say... you know, I think it would... be better if Scott didn't rush in like that, you know?... I can understand why he did it, to be quite honest.
[Joanne:] Yeah but you say to her... that they're always on about how s Shrimpy can't do anything for himself, and it's between Emma, it's not between... it was al... even Scott said to me at the beginning oh it's not between me, it's nothing to do with me, it's between Emma and Scott.
[Helena:] Emma and Shrimpy.
[Joanne:] Emma and Shrimpy then. And erm... he's been, then he rushes ahead full storm... don't he?
[Helena:] Mm. He shouldn't have done that really, he was a bit naughty.
[Joanne:] He,sh she ought to learn to sh she's, they was all on about how Shrimpy can't stick up for himself, and then flaming... Emma does exactly the same but worse cos she gets Scott to do it for her.... She's gonna have to one of these, I'm not being funny but she can't stick up for herself, that girl can't. It's about time she had the courage to do it, herself if she's in a strop. There's no point getting Scott, cos what's gonna happen when she finishes with Scott?... She really
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]... Oh
[Joanne:] As you've probably gathered.
[Helena:] [singing] oh I need your love babe
[Joanne:] What's this?
[Helena:] yes I know it's true [] erm...
[Joanne:] Where's the tape?
[Helena:] hold me love me hold me love me you
[Joanne:] What was this af what was it after? What's just been on?
[Helena:] [singing] hold me... love me [] Eight Days
[Joanne:] What
[Helena:] a Week this is... [singing] love me... ain't got nothing but love babe
[Joanne:] It's not on here, eight da oh yeah it is.
[Helena:] eight days a week []
[Joanne:] And I Love Her no I mean I Feel Fine, Ticket to Ride and Yesterday, oh yes! I like them.... [singing] Help I need somebody [] that's on side B.
[Helena:] Can we sing the song we're on!
[Joanne:] Yeah alright. We've got
[Helena:] [singing] you all the time whoa whoa hold me
[Joanne:] I like Daytripper as well.
[Helena:] love me
[Joanne:] Michelle... Michelle
[Helena:] Michelle []
[Joanne:] Paperback Writer's good as well. Eleanor Rigby and Yellow submar I like all of them really.
[Helena:] You like all of them don't you Jo
[Joanne:] Yeah.
[Helena:] really?... [LAUGHTER] You make me laugh. When you're in a mood like this you're so excellent.
[Joanne:] Ooh ooh. I'm just excellent all the time, can't help it.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] No when you're in a strop you're not excellent.
[Joanne:] Yeah well you can't expect me to be perfect all the time.
[Helena:] No yeah, just follow my example.
[Joanne:] Flipping heck! No.... You was in a right... moody the other day when I told you
[Helena:] When? When?...
[Joanne:] What?
[Helena:] When?
[Joanne:] When you showed [whispering] []
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER] When I went a bit mad [].... Well, stupid fool.
[Joanne:] He isn't a stupid fool! Leave him alone....
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] I'm sticking up for the little bless him.
[Helena:] [singing] eight days a week []
[Joanne:] Well he's done a lot for me really, hasn't he really? He takes me and picks me up from school and... takes us where we wanna go you know, off to the shop, off to here, off to get some get some drink and... takes us for a drive and
[Helena:] Yeah I mean he's... mm... he's
[Joanne:] He's a do anything for anybody sort of person isn't he? Bless him.
[Helena:] I've got a dead itchy back, oh!
[Joanne:] [LAUGHTER] Ah! Hurt me boob.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Hurt your boob []?
[Joanne:] [LAUGHTER] Bashed it.... I'm dreading tonight now. I've decided I don't think I can go to
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] I thought you would g, oh I thought you were about to say I've decided I'm not coming....
[Joanne:] Oh I mean I don't want it to be a party where everybody goes off into different rooms, you know?
[Helena:] Yeah.
[Joanne:] And there's about three in the middle who go right, this is a good song
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] move my little finger, you know? Want to have it where everybody's together, boogieing
[Helena:] Don't know whether Clare's coming or not yet.
[Joanne:] and having a laugh. Well you'd better phone her up....
[Helena:] I said phone me if you're coming but don't bother if you're not so it looks like she's not....
[Joanne:] Oh well if she turns up... does she know where you live? She does doesn't she?...
[Helena:] Well yeah, she can find it.
[Joanne:] [singing] [] What's this? I Feel Fine.... [singing] []
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] Did Jason Donovan sing this, afterwards?
[Helena:] No.
[Joanne:] Alright then.... Oh
[Helena:] Why?
[Joanne:] just gone the road with... Bev!
[Helena:] [singing] she said so []
[Joanne:] Can we turn it up a bit?
[Helena:] No cos it'll drown the microphone.
[Joanne:] Oh! [singing] I feel fine [] let me flare my nostrils.
[Helena:] Unless we can turn it off for a bit....
[Joanne:] [singing] she said so []
[Helena:] No.
[Joanne:] No, why not? [singing] I'm in love with her and I feel fine [] afterwards... it's only
[Helena:] [singing] I'm so glad that she's my little girl... she's so glad she's telling all the world that her baby buys her things you know
[Joanne:] [singing] so glad that she's my little girl... she's so glad she's telling all the world [] bleagh
[Helena:] he buys her diamond rings you know, she said so [] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] [singing] diamond rings you know, she said so... I'm in love with her and I feel fine []
[Helena:] [singing] I feel fine []
[Joanne:] flared nostrils
[Helena:] I know, I am
[Joanne:] [LAUGHTER] Penelope Keith []! [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Thank you!... I don't think I look like Penelope Keith.
[Joanne:] [singing] [] In tune now.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]...
[Joanne:] [singing] all the time []
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] Well I wish they'd stop changing the words on the tape, it's ridiculous.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] [singing] I feel fine... I'm so glad that she's my little girl... she's so glad she's telling all the world that th []
[Helena:] [singing] so glad that she's my little girl... she's so glad she's telling all the world []... Turn it up a bit then.
[Emma:] Got to tell him about the party.... oh... what you doing Jo?...
[Joanne:] What?
[Emma:] What you doing?
[Joanne:] Looking.
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] Can't see er
[Helena:] Oh... piss!
[Emma:] What? Oh quick, quick...
[speaker002:] What?
[Emma:] Oh there's two.... I'm looking at magpies....
[Joanne:] Oh what's happened?
[Emma:] Two
[Joanne:] Wh what for?
[Emma:] What's up Hel?...
[Helena:] What?
[Emma:] What's wrong?
[Helena:] I just... made the whole bed and then realized I'd put it on the wrong way.
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] Erm fancy.
[Emma:] Oh I don't know.
[Joanne:] I fancy some toast....
[Emma:] You want some toast?
[Joanne:] Yeah.
[Scott:] Loads and loads and loads of it.
[Emma:] Loads and loads of toast?...
[Joanne:] [shouting] Can I have some of this meaty stuff []?...
[Helena:] Meaty stuff? Yeah.
[Scott:] She said to Andrew...
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Shut up []...
[Joanne:] Didn't get much done actually after you spewed on me.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] to have some toast, alright?
[Helena:] Alright....
[Joanne:] Funnily enough I didn't feel like it afterwards.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]...
[Scott:] Yeah but you were feeling it before.
[Joanne:] That's what made him spew I reckon then.
[Helena:] He got over excited.
[Emma:] God I swear
[Joanne:] Er
[Emma:] does it pop itself up or do you have to?
[Helena:] Yeah no it pops itself up.
[Emma:] Oh
[Joanne:] I wondered what the bloody hell was going on, I really did.
[Helena:] Ooh
[Joanne:] And then I realized
[Helena:] my head hurts
[Emma:] Oh there's that pouty Jehovah's Witness girly
[Helena:] Oh yeah.... Erm I think I think I ought to go and put them in the dryer a bit longer.
[Joanne:] Helena it's soaking, I've just felt it. by himself actually.
[Helena:] Ooh feel your bum.
[Joanne:] Has the heating come on yet today?
[Helena:] No....
[Joanne:] [shouting] Is the heating on Emm do you know []?
[Emma:] I'll have a look.
[Joanne:] Is there heat coming out anywhere?...
[Emma:] No it's not.
[Helena:] No it hasn't....
[Joanne:] I was exp it's amazing the neighbours didn't come round actually cos we wasn't exactly quiet was we?...
[Emma:] You couldn't hear it outside.
[Joanne:] You could.
[Emma:] You couldn't....
[Joanne:] No you could hear outside though.
[Emma:] Could you?
[Joanne:] Mm.
[Emma:] Alright then.... Yeah but I don't know what they're on about anyway, they have erm wild parties all the time.
[Joanne:] Do they?
[Emma:] Don't you remember when we snook out of Helena's living room to go and see Marky and that lot when they were, we were gonna, when we were gonna go over to Davy 's over their garden and they were still having a party? And it was flipping half past two in the morning or something.
[Helena:] What?
[Joanne:] I don't remember that.
[Emma:] You must remember that, when we were gonna go, we were gonna over the fences instead of going round the close.
[Helena:] Oh [LAUGHTER] oh yeah yeah yeah [].
[Emma:] When they were well they were all in the garden having a party.
[Helena:] Oh yeah. They had all their lights on and everything?
[Emma:] Yeah and I went no, maybe not. [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] Oh it was so funny that was.
[Emma:] Oh yeah
[Joanne:] Well I do I do can't remember that.
[Helena:] You were
[Emma:] Oh you must do....
[Helena:] It was when you and David were shoved against the wall and you kept complaining....
[Joanne:] What?
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] Comments like... I've got a pole up my bum!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] Got a what up me bum? A po pole?
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] A pole....
[Joanne:] Nearly said polo then....
[Emma:] Ooh baby!
[Helena:] [singing] No I was not pushing the time [] have you got this, put the other side on
[Emma:] Er
[Joanne:] I don't know what I've done here.... Oh that'll do, they won't mind....
[Emma:] What's the first one on this side Hell Bell?
[Helena:] Er... dunno.
[Joanne:] [singing] [shouting] Your toast's done [].
[Emma:] Thank you darling.
[Helena:] Who was the first person to speak?
[Joanne:] Want salad cream?
[Helena:] Was it you Emm?
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Joanne:] Salad cream?... [music in background]
[Helena:] Oh I've entered you now, ha ha you're on.... Oh I love Morrissey. I really really do.... Hairdresser on Fire, Emma! My favourite.... Eh? Is it?
[Scott:] That smells burnt.
[Helena:] No it isn't, it always smells like that.... I've got
[Joanne:] What happened to the heating in this place? It's like a squat.... No heating, no
[Helena:] I'm really hot.
[Joanne:] no coleslaw
[Scott:] Hell you... ugh dog... you.... Oh no no no, near me please.
[Helena:] Oh leave him alone.
[Scott:] I could be allergic to his hair you see.
[Helena:] What?
[Scott:] I might be allergic to dog hair.
[Helena:] Yeah, might be.
[Scott:] It's nothing to do with the fact that he stinks.
[Helena:] Oh he doesn't stink.
[Scott:] Okay, he just reeks... mildly
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]... keeps doing that today....
[Scott:] Just timing him. [LAUGHTER]...
[Helena:] Well he, he's ten and, and collies don't usually live to be much older....
[Scott:] Exceptions that prove every rule....
[Joanne:] Bet he'll live till he's twenty.
[Emma:] Yeah, even older.
[Joanne:] Yeah, well that's life.
[Helena:] What?
[Joanne:] Especially cos he smells.
[Helena:] Oh.... Well I'll be gone soon from this smelly household, so...
[Emma:] Hel do you want anything to eat?
[Helena:] No thanks....
[Joanne:] What are you ready to move out as soon as possible?
[Helena:] Well... I'll have to stay for the next two years... unless we go back to Lincoln.... Cos if I go to the college I might be able to get a flat.... Probably not, but... depending on mummy and daddy live.
[Joanne:] You've gotta pay for it Hel though....
[Helena:] Mm.
[Joanne:] for free you know.
[Helena:] But you see if... if we move back we'll be able to get a bigger house.... And er I'll be able to have more room to myself then cos David won't be there anyway... so I might be able to have one of the bedrooms as like a sitting room to myself or study or something....
[Scott:] Shag palace.
[Joanne:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Shag palace []! [LAUGHTER]... Well it was really good in our old house cos we had, we had a front room and a back room... and a kitchen... all downstairs.... And so the back room like, you could just go and sit in there on your own or whatever.... But I was, I was a bit too young to turn it into a shag palace.... [LAUGHTER] A shag palace [] [LAUGHTER] I'm gonna sneeze [sneeze] [dog barks]
[speaker002:] Shut up....
[Helena:] [singing] Hairdresser on fire [] I love this, sing it... Neither can I.
[Emma:] Oh.
[Helena:] Oh
[Scott:] Oh s sad.
[Emma:] What?... Oh sorry don't you like burnt toast? Here you can have one of mine dear. I quite like burnt toast....
[Joanne:] I'd like to set the hairdresser on fire who did my mum's hair, it looks hideous.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]... Oh I'm so sorry.
[Helena:] Your mum likes it though doesn't she?
[Joanne:] No she's growing it now.
[Helena:] Oh
[Scott:] Alright thank you dear.
[Joanne:] Gonna have it rea no, well she's growing the back of it... and having it permed and highlighted....
[Helena:] Ooh...
[Emma:] Go on, look at me.
[Scott:] What time's your little brother getting back?
[Helena:] Lunch time....
[Scott:] Where is he?
[Helena:] Clare's....
[Scott:] Shag palace again.
[Helena:] No, her mum and dad are there.
[Scott:] Ah.
[Helena:] I think. [singing] []
[Scott:] abortion.... Swap partners
[Helena:] [singing] just got to close down armageddon, come armageddon, come armageddon come []
[Scott:] As long as her dad don't start singing....
[Helena:] [singing] every day is like Sunday... every day is silent and grey []...
[Joanne:] Cat's having a fight by the look of it.
[Helena:] Yeah... good old cat's having a... Mum'll be dead chuffed, I've cleaned the toilet.... I'll tell her as well.
[Scott:] She'll be dead suspicious.
[Helena:] I think I might I think I might just tell her actually.... I won't tell her that he, he puked on your head... else she'll wonder what you were doing. I mean
[Scott:] Well, put it like this... if you mention that everybody stayed here... it'll get back to Jo's mum and dad....
[Helena:] No it won't.
[Joanne:] It will.
[Scott:] It will.
[Emma:] It will.
[Joanne:] Don't breathe a word....
[Emma:] I, I wouldn't say anything... because I... if my mum and dad find out... I'm dead.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Scott:] You're dead!...
[Emma:] Okay then if mum and dad find out [LAUGHTER] Scott's dead [].
[Joanne:] Yeah because you slept in the same quilt as him, you
[Helena:] Yeah well I'm not gonna tell them any gory details am I?
[Emma:] Yeah but my mum and dad aren't stupid.
[Joanne:] Don't say anything.... Just don't say anything. They won't know anyway, how they gonna find out who slept, nobody's found out so far....
[Helena:] Yes, crossword time.
[Emma:] Oh you're
[Joanne:] I mean what's the hassle there?
[Emma:] Do you have stars on Sunday?
[Helena:] What, in here?... Yes, there are stars in here somewhere.
[Emma:] Good....
[Joanne:] That sounds gross. [shouting] God dog go away! You smell [].
[Helena:] I don't know where they are.
[Emma:] I was only reading it off there.
[Scott:] Oh here?
[Emma:] When you find the stars [dog barks]
[Helena:] Sam be quiet.... Ha
[Joanne:] Don't say anything cos my mum'll kill me.
[Helena:] Alright I won't say anything then. But if my mum asks... like what the is I'm gonna tell her.
[Joanne:] What sick where?
[Emma:] Well yeah you can tell her, tell her that Andy was sick all over her but you don't have to say he slept over.
[Helena:] No.
[Joanne:] say he was sick... well you can't see where he was sick anywhere anyway.... It's all been cleaned up hasn't it?...
[speaker002:] ...
[Helena:] Ooh I feel much better now....
[Joanne:] I feel like dying.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] Does anybody want a chewing gum? It's been in my pocket. It's all nice and... nice and bendy.... Hel?
[Helena:] Er... oh go on then, force me.
[Joanne:] Scott?
[Scott:] No thanks....
[speaker002:] ...
[Scott:] Libra... [reading] money is a major source of aggravation this week. Do not let love or sentiment cloud your judgement []. Emma [reading] must tread gingerly this week or things will backfire on you. Circumstances beyond your control will pin you down until Friday [].
[Helena:] What's mine?
[Joanne:] Eh?...
[Scott:] What are you?...
[Helena:] Scorpio.
[Joanne:] How many page you got?
[Scott:] [reading] Pluto in your own sign is making you more secretive even than usual. Life at home is a bit of a battlefield and work is sadly staging a go slow but you have survived worse difficulties... before and this tough period is nearly over [] Ugly... what are you?
[speaker002:] Aries....
[Scott:] Aries
[Joanne:] Oh you've answered to my ugly name have you?
[Scott:] Hairies
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] Well it was just
[Scott:] Hairies back [LAUGHTER]. Sorry
[Emma:] just started going... []
[Scott:] [reading] Not until the sun enters your own sign on Friday will you feel that life is worth living. Love is so highly charged you want to be left in peace []... or left with Andrew's piece.
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] Of sick... of leftover baked beans.
[Emma:] Oh that was really so... I'll swear, I don't know what that was that, that clump that was in your hair but it was, oh god!... It looked like an eye Jo it really did.
[Joanne:] I goes... open the bathroom. I just walked down [sniff] [sniff] and I walked in and there was Scott with his top off, Emma nearly ha [LAUGHTER] Emma half naked. I thought oh shit.... Oh dear. [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] God it all happens in your bathroom doesn't it?
[Helena:] I know.
[Joanne:] It was like flipping the channel tunnel on the landing when me and Andy were there. Every three minutes people were going to ch I goes I don't believe this, I just don't fucking believe this. And he just kept
[Scott:] It was like the channel tunnel?
[Joanne:] Well
[Scott:] Where the hell did you get that from?
[Joanne:] Don't know, I just felt like saying it.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Scott:] Well that magazine's crap. Do you think they have a proper magazine in the Sunday Express?
[Joanne:] Like Clapham Junction then.
[Helena:] There usually is one. There usually is one.
[Joanne:] [shouting] It was like Clapham Junction in was []. Every flipping two minutes they were coming to the toilet. Shrimp kept going up for some water, trod on Andrew.... And I shit myself cos someone took a picture but......
[Emma:] I didn't take any. Oh there goes my dad.
[Joanne:] not likely to all take it....
[Emma:] Having a fag as usual.
[Joanne:] Fag or a cigar?
[Emma:] cigar.
[Scott:] ... don't stop the car
[Emma:] Erm
[Joanne:] when we get that... photograph Shrimp Shrimpy took... of me Andrew
[Emma:] She's gonna take them and do them, get them done... at the thing and then take it home.
[Joanne:] Well how many have you done anyway?
[Emma:] About five.
[Joanne:] Who of?
[Helena:] Of people down here.
[Emma:] How many have you got left?...
[Helena:] There's only one gone....
[Emma:] It's going to be ages then isn't it? You'd best, you'd best remember...
[Scott:] Better not be one of [dog yelps] better not be one of me. [dog barks]...
[Joanne:] Yeah there is.
[Emma:] There is. There's that one of you kneeling down and me... sort of
[Scott:] Oh you're on your back....
[Emma:] What?
[Scott:] I was kneeling down and you had just fallen on the floor.
[Emma:] Had I? [LAUGHTER] oh good oh.
[Scott:] That's a nice one, yeah. Emma just like sprawled on her back and Scott with his back to the camera obviously just about to undo his flies and pork her.
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] Ah!
[Joanne:] I suppose it was good at the time that I wasn't kissing Andrew, otherwise I would have had a mouthful of sick.
[Emma:] Oh gross!
[Scott:] That would be so funny.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Rather funny []
[Scott:] Not as funny as it actually happening and you getting covered in vomit but I mean... it's still vaguely amusing....
[Emma:] That was highly disgusting.
[Scott:] [LAUGHTER] Cheat.
[Joanne:] There was loads of
[Emma:] No it's not cheating.
[Joanne:] at the time, he sort of went... I thought hold on [mimics vomiting]...
[Emma:] I can always tell if I'm gonna be sick. You get like, you get really really like hot and
[Scott:] It's when the vomit comes out your mouth that does it isn't it?
[Emma:] No but you've got like, you get loads and loads of phlegm in your mouth, and then it starts going all acid and you go [mimics slurping]
[Helena:] I can always tell
[Emma:] and then and then you get this feeling down here like something's rumbling then you go aaaaaaah I'm gonna be sick!
[Joanne:] Jul Julian got out in time.
[Emma:] Yeah. That's like what I am.
[Helena:] I can hold it down till I get to the toilet I can....
[Emma:] He was far too pissed though, Andrew was.... Julian really made me laugh though cos I... he was just fine wasn't he? And he was just wandering round and then he just went... bleugh and bombed in the garden
[Joanne:] I didn't see him actually bomb. I saw him like on the right, on the path and I goes... I goes what you do I goes gonna be sick. He goes alright then. He goes Helena... Julian's being sick....
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] actually sick...
[Helena:] Mythology.
[Scott:] What do you want?
[Helena:] [reading] Beautiful youth chosen as cup bearer to Zeus [] is it...?
[Scott:] How many letters you got, none?
[Helena:] It's eight letters.
[Scott:] Eight letters.... Beautiful youth
[Joanne:] It's, how many times did he spew up the stairs?
[Emma:] Julian? Couple of times.
[Scott:] Once you tell me I'll know it....
[Helena:] Well that's handy....
[Emma:] Handy Andy....
[Helena:] Is he really?
[Emma:] I dunno
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] Wouldn't know as he spewed on me....
[Helena:] Zeus is... Roman?
[Scott:] No, Greek....
[Emma:] I don't know how you get any enjoyment out of doing that....
[Joanne:] Why are you doing it?
[Helena:] It's erm I like to stretch my mind....
[Joanne:] I don't [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] having a... chest expander.
[Helena:] Is it nasty...
[Emma:] I don't think it's that either. [LAUGHTER] No definitely not [].
[Joanne:] No, [dog barks]
[Emma:] No
[Helena:] What are you barking at dog?...
[Emma:] Grrrrrrrrrrr smelly dog, ooh smelly dog....
[Joanne:] This is crap this... Do you know what a flat, a top roof... flat roofed houses you can't have a mortgage....
[speaker002:] Can't you You what?... What?... You're what?
[Joanne:] Because if they're flat, all the water collects on them... and it's more likely to like, something's more likely to happen to it.... So you can't have a full mortgage... but they couldn't get a mortgage on it because it had a flat roof. I mean like ours has got a flat garage and everything but... all of it is. It's a bit weird... it's an old council house.... That was funny
[Scott:] [LAUGHTER]...
[Helena:] [reading] the Decameron []
[Scott:] The Decameron?......
[Helena:] Ooh dear
[Joanne:] Is it Miss or Mrs?
[Helena:] Miss.
[Joanne:] Not surprising is it? No she's alright actually.
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] [reading] Gilbert and Sullivan []
[Scott:] Well try me on Gilbert and Sullivan.
[Helena:] No... I like these ones I can guess.
[Emma:] How do you know him?...
[Scott:] Go on, Emma... snatch that and read me the Gilbert and Sullivan clue. Cos she won't....
[Emma:] Oh operas
[Scott:] Gilbert and... Micado... Pirates of Penzance... H M S Pinnacle
[Helena:] ...
[Joanne:] I bet the only thing that dog smells when you've had vodka is vodka in your shit.
[Helena:] No [LAUGHTER]
[Scott:] Vodka don't smell....
[Joanne:] He's his bum.
[Emma:] No but it couldn't really have agreed with him much could it really?
[Scott:] Well no maybe not... but I should think he'd have a smelly vodka... vodka shit.... But unlike you and your cider shit
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]... No it did though, it really really smelt of cider. [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] shit now....
[Scott:] Go on Bob, play your mandolin, ding ding ding ding ding ding ding
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]... Oh erm... [sigh] god
[Scott:] Belinda... no it can't be Belinda, that's er
[Joanne:] What, what you talking about?
[Scott:] Decameron.
[Joanne:] Oh.... Go home green breath....
[Scott:] be no fun in it.
[Helena:] Why?
[Scott:] Because it's cheating, you should know.
[Helena:] I'm not cheating.
[Scott:] Course you are.
[Helena:] It's a general knowledge crossword....
[Scott:] Yeah but it don't mean you have to go and look everything up. There's no fun in looking things up is there?
[Helena:] Yes it is. I find it i interesting....
[Scott:] [belch]
[Helena:] Jeremiah
[Emma:] Ugh ugh
[Scott:] Could have told you that.
[Helena:] No you couldn't. What's the clue then if it's Jeremiah?
[Emma:] What, what?
[Scott:] The name of one of the dolls on Playschool. Oh that was Jemima.
[Emma:] Jemima....
[Scott:] that's what we could call her...
[Helena:] What [LAUGHTER]
[Scott:] No, Jemima.
[Helena:] What the child, your baby?
[Scott:] The girl, you couldn't call it... we haven't agreed on the girl yet. I say... I say Rhiannon. She says Meg.
[Helena:] I like that [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] What?
[Helena:] What did you say?
[Emma:] Rhiannon.
[Scott:] Rhiannon.... It's Welsh....
[Emma:] It's shit isn't it?
[Helena:] It's crap innit?
[Emma:] that name.
[Joanne:] I like Irish names.
[Helena:] No-one ever look... look
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] you've got to be practical right
[Scott:] I'm not calling it Sarah
[Helena:] No, but when you go to children's parties
[Scott:] or Helena
[Helena:] no-one's going to be able to name,na er be able to write it are they? And when people send her christmas cards everyone's gonna spell it wrong and she's gonna be pissed off for the rest of her life.
[Scott:] Do her good.
[Joanne:] Don't want a Welsh name, Irish gaelic names are the best.
[Emma:] Yeah
[Joanne:] Irish gaelic names are the best, they're ace.
[Scott:] Specially with the surname
[Joanne:] Erin, that's a nice name....
[Scott:] Erin?
[Emma:] Erin?... That sounds Welsh
[Joanne:] That sounds like sounds like what's it.
[Emma:] Sounds like she's got a flipping long dress on and a straw hat.
[Joanne:] It sounds sounds like Emlyn Hughes.
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] [LAUGHTER] Emlyn Hughes []....
[Scott:] Yeah let's call the lad Emlyn. Well why don't we call her Sam?
[Emma:] No way. Sammy's a boy's name....
[Helena:] Samantha's disgusting anyway.
[Scott:] Never said we had to call her Samantha.
[Helena:] No I know but everyone would think she was called Samantha and she'd be pissed off for the rest of her life.
[Scott:] Well Vicky at college... on our course... she's not Victoria she's Vicky. She was christened Vicky.
[Helena:] Well
[Joanne:] Vicky
[Helena:] No I know but they'll probably christen her Victoria.
[Scott:] Delilah... that's a nice name.
[Joanne:] They won't.
[Helena:] Oh
[Emma:] Delilah?... What about Ermintrude? [LAUGHTER]
[Scott:] [LAUGHTER] Samson [] call the lad Samson.
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] ugh Delilah
[Joanne:] go on Samson go on put it in the goal, go on Samson I'll bet.
[Scott:] Emily.
[Emma:] Ugh No way Emily
[Joanne:] there's an Emily in my class, hideous. It's funny innit how you know people and it puts you off their names?
[Emma:] Gemma
[Scott:] Rachel's boring.
[Joanne:] Sarah's hideous. Catherine's crap. Ooh [LAUGHTER]
[Scott:] Ryanne... one of the yanks' names the other night, Ryanne.
[Joanne:] Yes I know fancy her doing quite well.
[Emma:] Yes. Oh we talk about her.
[Scott:] No that's the one that Martin fancies. He spent the whole evening trying to
[Joanne:] What is the name
[Helena:] Oh my god haircut... haircut [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] Wow great
[Helena:] haircut haircut [LAUGHTER] haircut []. We're all pointing at you Davy haircut
[Joanne:] He sort of went he just went... [LAUGHTER] []
[Scott:] Er
[Joanne:] It was getting long an'all.
[Helena:] I know well he was growing it weren't he? He said he was growing it to me.
[Scott:] We'll have a look in the back of your dictionary.... Cos they've got lists of names in the back of dictionaries haven't they? Ancient names
[Helena:] Oh good oh
[Scott:] Eleanor. Eleanor's quite
[Helena:] There's a list of girls' names in here.
[Joanne:] What was it we were gonna call my dog? Er...
[Helena:] Knob bait [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] I like Chris for a boy.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Knob bait []...
[Emma:] Chris as a K?
[Scott:] Chris?
[Emma:] Or a C?
[Joanne:] No after Chris Akubussi
[Scott:] Prawn cocktail.
[Helena:] Here we go....
[Emma:] That's with a K innit?...
[Joanne:] K R I
[Helena:] They're boys' names
[Scott:] What page is it on?
[Helena:] girls' names. It's like from two nine six to... three o three.
[Scott:] Okay, chuck it here then.
[Joanne:] As in criss cross [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] I've got it.
[Scott:] No, I've gotta have it.
[Emma:] No way.
[Joanne:] Emma Emma, criss cross
[Scott:] No I get it first.
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Scott:] Oh thanks.... Come on, go through some of them and I'll tell you how... how crap they are....
[Emma:] Edna
[Helena:] June...
[Scott:] No thank you....
[Emma:] What? Oh depends how many letters I got. How many letters do we want in it?...
[Scott:] I dunno.
[Emma:] Daisy.
[Joanne:] [singing] Daisy
[Scott:] Not calling her Daisy.
[Joanne:] Daisy
[Scott:] About five or six?
[Joanne:] la la la la la la []
[Scott:] Five or six?
[Emma:] Okay we'll go for five now. Abbie?... Abbie
[Scott:] Abbie
[Joanne:] Nellie? Nellie, I like Nellie.
[Scott:] Abbie's quite nice isn't it?
[Emma:] I know, I know Abbie's sort of like real sort of... turned up nose
[Helena:] Abbie?
[Joanne:] I knew an Abbie at guides and she was a snobby nosed cow.
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] You really started her going then []
[Emma:] Adela, Adele.... Aggie
[Helena:] Agnes [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] Agnes [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] Allie, Alice
[Joanne:] Hate I do.
[Emma:] Alana...
[Scott:] Alana
[Emma:] No, Alana [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] Sounds like she's an animal. Sounds like a hyena
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER]
[Scott:] No that's a llama.
[Joanne:] [LAUGHTER] That's who I was thinking of []
[Scott:] [LAUGHTER] It sounds like it's a hyena []
[Emma:] Oh my god what a name.
[Joanne:] I meant llama....
[Emma:] Alvin
[Scott:] Alvin Alvin Alvin, Theodora and Simon.
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] You're gonna have three kids?
[Helena:] I was having a rest, I didn't say I'd finished.
[Emma:] Beryl [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] Beryl? [LAUGHTER] You can't call it Beryl.
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] By the way, by the way, what about Hagar []?
[Scott:] Hagar?
[Emma:] What about Hattie?
[Helena:] No.
[Emma:] out of Eastenders.
[Helena:] Oh god... What are you putting in? You'd better not put any bum ones in.
[Emma:] Marge.
[Scott:] Well I've just realized that there's... there's a five letter space here so I put penis
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Butter []
[Joanne:] [LAUGHTER] Call her Marge, we don't call her []
[Scott:] No I haven't.
[Joanne:] How about calling her Marge Helena, Helena [shouting] Helena []
[Scott:] Parish post held by Mr Bumble in Oliver Twist.... Beadle.
[Helena:] What? Beadle?
[Joanne:] Helena
[Scott:] Beadle.
[Helena:] Oh.
[Joanne:] Call her Marge, you might as well call her butter and go the whole hog mightn't you really?
[Emma:] Nancy.
[Helena:] Flora.
[Scott:] [shouting] Hog [] [LAUGHTER] that's a nice name [].
[Helena:] Flora how about Flora? Flora, the margarine.
[Scott:] What's her name in Labyrinth?
[Joanne:] Call her Flora Marge, there you go. There you are two names, call her Flora and Marge.
[Scott:] The girl's name in Labyrinth
[Joanne:] Flora Marge
[Helena:] How about Aline?
[Joanne:] Aline? Oh my god.
[Scott:] Saline! Saline drip...
[Emma:] Don't get that.
[Helena:] Helena's crap, I reckon
[Scott:] Let's call her shock [LAUGHTER] absorber []
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] Call her cauliflower.
[Helena:] nudge nudge.
[Scott:] Let's call her... fireguard [LAUGHTER] fireguard []
[Joanne:] Nose I reckon we ought to call her.
[Helena:] Just think, if it's a girl what a poor cow having a nose like that.
[Scott:] [LAUGHTER] Type of spaniel, dead.
[Emma:] She might have my lovely nose.
[Helena:] What?
[Emma:] She might have my lovely nose.
[Helena:] No I mean that's gonna... that, that that gene's gonna is gonna
[Emma:] No
[Joanne:] got it off then?
[Emma:] He's got papers.
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] [LAUGHTER] [] [LAUGHTER] That's crap.
[Scott:] only helping me with the
[Joanne:] [LAUGHTER] Oh jesus christ []
[Scott:] two o'clock.
[Emma:] Why?
[Helena:] So?
[Scott:] Why? I'm rehearsing all day. You won't have the pleasure of my company this evening.
[Emma:] Oh
[Helena:] Oh
[Scott:] Fucking me up as well
[Helena:] oh... the are my faith [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] Oh watch me weep.
[Helena:] Acid tears.... Only joking darling, love you really.
[Joanne:] Right... you know, it's fair enough...
[Helena:] Go on Jo... go, go on Jo, go and get your word in... that we've missed off a few times. Go on
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Anyway you smell his bum []
[Emma:] Yeah...
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Scott:] Oh good
[Joanne:] So why did why didn't you have a shower
[Emma:] We could have had a shower together.
[Helena:] No you couldn't, not in my shower there's not enough room [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] Yes there is
[Joanne:] were they, last night Your flipping shower curtain's disgusting. covered in
[Helena:] I know
[Joanne:] brown scabby bits. My mum bleaches ours....
[Emma:] My mum used to bleach ours but we haven't got one now. [LAUGHTER]... No we've got [cough] a shower with a glass thing... and you can see through the glass thing
[Joanne:] I know it's horrible it really is.
[Scott:] I don't believe it.
[Joanne:] You never know when your dad's gonna walk in to
[Emma:] What?
[Scott:] He's fucking going to sleep in the car.
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]
[Scott:] That kid is a dickhead.
[Helena:] Oh leave him alone.
[Scott:] What a lousy turd....
[Joanne:] perhaps Andy smells... smelly baked beans probably.
[Scott:] No he don't smell.
[Helena:] after he puked on your head [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] So, it's horrible it was.
[Scott:] What, his head?
[Helena:] You shouldn't get off with him
[Scott:] His helmet?
[Helena:] you shouldn't get off with him
[Scott:] His helmet.
[Helena:] when he's that drunk then should you?
[Joanne:] Well I didn't know he was gonna spew, I didn't think to myself oh my god
[Helena:] Yeah well didn't have to do it on my bed.... Oh the dryer!
[Joanne:] Well I'm sorry like but I was getting a few interruptions on the landing
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] like flipping... like Clapham Junction.
[Emma:] Oh you should go in the bathroom, it's good in there innit?
[Scott:] I wouldn't know.
[Joanne:] Yeah but I guessed you'd wanna go in there
[Emma:] Give him one, go on give him one. last night.
[Scott:] Ha ha ha ha.
[Emma:] I reckon that's what made me ill, it's your fault....
[Scott:] Sorry dear.... [belch] sick
[Emma:] Excuse me.
[Joanne:] Oh you didn't swallow it?
[Scott:] Why, what you done?...
[Joanne:] Ugh that was Bonjella [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] Ugh shut up, ooh ooh
[Joanne:] We were discussing how you spunk with Bonjella, she swallowed it last night.
[Helena:] [screaming] What []?
[Joanne:] She swallowed it [LAUGHTER] last night [].
[Helena:] What?
[Joanne:] Spunk.... I said uses Bonjella
[Helena:] [shouting] Jo do you ask [] these things? You know you're not really supposed to ask private.
[Joanne:] [shouting] I didn't ask. Did I ask? Did I ask [] or not? She told me.
[Scott:] You were the one who raised the subject.
[Joanne:] I said, I said I'm sorry you know Helena you stupid cow if you had been in here, accusing me as usual I said she goes cough up now. she said the bathroom.
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] She said she because I left it to you in case you wanted to spit in the sink she goes oh I didn't last night, so I never brought it up alright?...
[Scott:] this she didn't even
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] Bonjella we was discussing that
[Helena:] It's probably why he's so thick.
[Emma:] It probably is, that's why... I know. No he's probably wearing that shit on it this morning. [LAUGHTER]
[Scott:] Well at least you was lubricated....
[Helena:] Oh I'm gonna fail my oral tomorrow.
[Scott:] Oh yeah?
[Emma:] Lovely.
[Scott:] Emma passed hers last night.
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] What?
[Emma:] Er? Oral dear, oral.
[Helena:] No, female....
[Emma:] Oh dear
[Helena:] Mrs
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] You are joking me []?...
[Scott:] It's embarrassing
[Joanne:] No chance.
[Scott:] You must wear sensible shoes says she.
[Helena:] She's Welsh.
[Scott:] Oh that's even worse.
[Joanne:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] I'd hate to be Welsh. [LAUGHTER] Everyone picks on the Welsh don't they? Oh god
[Scott:] I'll tell him that when I get back in.
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] Wanna what?
[Emma:] Dad everyone hates you. [LAUGHTER]...
[Scott:] She's sitting there [LAUGHTER] wondering what's going on [].
[Joanne:] your dad
[Scott:] My surname's by the way Jo.
[Joanne:] [shouting] I know []. I know I just don't think it was a, I don't think it was the slightly bit funny.
[Helena:] Thank you I
[Emma:] He's got some music on cos he's dancing. [LAUGHTER]
[Scott:] whopping huge clitoris
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] It isn't.
[Helena:] Doesn't it feel like it should be about four o'clock in the afternoon?
[Scott:] Emma put your
[Emma:] Well I don't think so cos you'd feel like homosexual desires who doesn't get any thrills so I don't clitoris....
[Helena:] What footie's on the telly sarvo
[Joanne:] What?
[Scott:] What football's
[Helena:] Translated as... what football's on the te television this afternoon....
[Emma:] I don't know. I don't really care either to be quite honest. ... [LAUGHTER]...
[Joanne:] Flasher.
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER] Yeah []....
[Scott:] Are you stupid?
[Emma:] He's looking at the numbers on the houses isn't he?
[Scott:] No.
[Emma:] Yes he is and that's why his brake lights keep flashing on.
[Scott:] Oh yeah that was really sensible that was. I mean that was incredibly sensible what he just did.
[Emma:] What?
[Scott:] Looked at one house then looked at the next... oh
[Emma:] Yeah well maybe he wanted to see if they were going up in even and odd numbers side of the road.
[Helena:] Manchester City and Southampton.
[Scott:] If you ever get the, if you ever... ever get again I'll hit you, right?
[Emma:] Right.
[Joanne:] What's on the other side?...
[Helena:] What, when the match is on?
[Emma:] ...
[Helena:] I bet
[Emma:] Oh shame it's a bloke works up the bank
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Kung fu
[Emma:] and he's going to Oliver's....
[Helena:] All the shit films, that's all you need to know.
[Joanne:] ...
[Scott:] Go on, go on just... just nudge the handbrake off. Just just
[Emma:] Yeah just nudge the handbrake so it comes rushing straight down towards us....
[Scott:] So? He'll have to pay the damage.... No hopefully a car will be coming out of the end.... Yeah and the car will be laced with high explosives. So when and he gets blown up.
[Joanne:] not as if on here you can actually only swivel round. How come I got my head his head was here
[Scott:] I beg your pardon?
[Joanne:] shut up, when it was at that end my head started at?
[Scott:] On the there was me Ian and Noel all sleeping in the Ian in the middle. We woke up at three o'clock in the morning and Ian was the other way round
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER]
[Scott:] with his head at the bottom of the and we don't know how.
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER]
[Scott:] No
[Joanne:] Swivel
[Scott:] cos he would have he would have woken us up if unless
[Joanne:] Talking of swivel in Boots there's a thing above shave. And Helena goes swivel...
[Helena:] Swivel on it, I felt like shouting but I didn't....
[Emma:] Oh tasty... Well we're going Jo
[Scott:] Where do you actually do the papers?
[Emma:] Redditch
[Scott:] Marvellous.
[speaker002:] I know.
[Scott:] ...
[Joanne:] Well do you do a round?
[Emma:] Yeah that one on the corner.
[Joanne:] Where's Barnet Way?
[Scott:] Cos I used to live on the top floor.
[Emma:] The big one we do first.
[Scott:] All those photos of me.
[Joanne:] What the?
[Emma:] Yeah up the big hill
[Joanne:] What near where I go, all those houses?
[Emma:] Yeah. You know when we cross over to do that one, when I cross over to do that bit on your side?... The little the little
[Joanne:] Yeah. Yeah.
[Emma:] The first house I do is...
[Joanne:] I hate doing that, drives me up the wall... the first bit cos I've got all them houses in the first bit haven't I? You've got three or something like that ten. you've got two I've got ten.
[Emma:] Yeah but like... I've still got more than... well it's about the same cos you've got less at the top I think....
[speaker002:] ...
[Emma:] Don't you reckon it feels like it should be about... half three?
[Helena:] That's what I just said a minute ago.
[Emma:] I know but I felt like saying it again. Except you said four o'clock.
[Helena:] Oh.
[Emma:] [singing] Let's get together and feel alright [] alright.
[Scott:] No I don't....
[Emma:] Don't you?
[Scott:] No.
[Emma:] Why not?
[Helena:] ...
[Joanne:] Well what do I go and see her on a Sunday for?
[Scott:] Because... you've got three weeks to do a fucking musical. We're starting our video projects tomorrow.
[Joanne:] It's a bit late. Why didn't you do it, start it earlier?
[Scott:] Because Debbie is a stupid bitch.... Fact. Which now means that for the next... oh and Alex, Alex is being a stupid tart as well about this thing.
[Joanne:] How old's Julian?
[Scott:] Julian's about twenty now....
[Helena:] Twenty one soon isn't he?...
[Joanne:] What does?
[Scott:] Yeah, Alex this fucking stupid project... which means I've gotta stop after prac after rehearsal. Sometimes rehearsals can go on till about seven thirty or something, then Alex wants to do a rehearsal. It's the way she said oh can we rehearse in the week? And I thought oh... okay. She's gone oh it's alright we'll be finished by nine o'clock. Well that's no bloody good....
[Joanne:] Mind you, mind you Julian is.
[Helena:] Oh god he's really skinny isn't he?
[Emma:] What?
[Joanne:] I know. Did you see his trousers?
[Helena:] Julian.
[Joanne:] They were hanging off him, he never wears a belt...
[Emma:] Swear when he was sat at the top of the stairs shivering he looked so thin.... [LAUGHTER] And when he had that flipping, that blue blanket round him []
[Joanne:] We were all going looks like he's doing a Romanian thing here. Bit nasty I know but
[Emma:] Oh, I know but god did you see him? He was sat there and he was going brr brr brr brr brr
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] he, he goes, he reckoned that, he reckoned that, that my blanket made him feel worse [].
[Scott:] What is he doing?
[Joanne:] Just ignore him.
[Scott:] Well he's just locked up the car ooh...
[Emma:] Is he out the car now?
[Scott:] Oh he's out the car, he's probably gone to sit on the bench. It's only raining I mean...
[Emma:] slept....
[Scott:] So.
[Joanne:] Can't believe it. do?
[Scott:] ... Ah but what's [LAUGHTER]...
[Emma:] Dunno. I would if I'd said I was going to sleep, stay with Hannah [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] believe you
[Scott:] They'd still... they'd still say oh er was Scott stopping there as well?
[Emma:] Yeah, probably would actually.
[Scott:] See if I said to my mum and dad... I'm stopping at... Hannah's tonight... she'll say is Emma stopping with her and I'll say... yes. Now her reaction won't, won't... wouldn't be...
[Emma:] Yeah
[Scott:] yeah her reaction wouldn't be erm... you know oh you you're not doing that, you're not stopping.... Her reaction would be does Emma's mum and dad know....
[Joanne:] Just say yeah. [LAUGHTER] What can they do []?
[Emma:] Phone up and ask [LAUGHTER] Hannah [].
[Helena:] Hello.
[Joanne:] Well I mean did you... I mean she knows that... Emma was sleeping here last night doesn't she?...
[Scott:] Yeah but she thinks
[Joanne:] What you told her?...
[Scott:] Think what I shall say is, I shall myself quite simply, if it ever gets out I'll say well look... I know full well that you wouldn't have let me stop at Helena's... you would have objected to it... I said, but... Andy's mum and dad, Andy was like pretty bad so we left him there and I said I stopped up to help look after him.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] I stopped to try and look after him []....
[Scott:] I think I did quite well don't you?... My acting skills.
[Emma:] What acting skills?
[Scott:] I was so pissed last night. Shit I was so pissed.
[Helena:] Oh yeah you really were.
[Scott:] I... I was so pissed.
[Helena:] Oh... er I thought mm you're really far gone aren't you but
[Scott:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] I didn't say anything....
[Scott:] It was later on when you c you lot are all sober now, you can go home, that everybody was... I just went... [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] I said that didn't I?
[Joanne:] ?
[Scott:] I was drunk yeah, but I was nowhere near as drunk as
[Joanne:] Don't give me that crap Helena cos you told me oh god Scott's really pissed, he'll have to stay as well. [shouting] So don't tell me
[Helena:] No
[Joanne:] don't tell me []
[Helena:] Emma said that to me, Emma said that to me.
[Emma:] No I didn't, I said can Scott phone his mum and you said yeah. And, and you goes is he really far gone and I went yeah [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] when you come upstairs you goes oh god... looks like they're all staying you goes oh it looks like they're all staying cos Scott's pissed. So don't tell me you knew full well he wasn't, it was all an act.
[Helena:] I a I goes to Emma is he really far gone and she said yes he is.
[Emma:] Well I thought he was. He had me tooked in as well.
[Scott:] You lying tart.
[Joanne:] [LAUGHTER] No, so don't pretend you did know [] you, you thought he was acting cos you told me he was well plastered.
[Helena:] Well I thought I thought he was a bit but I don't know
[Joanne:] No you never you thought he was pissed
[Helena:] some people you can't tell, it's like Andy isn't it?
[Emma:] Yeah.
[Helena:] You can't tell if he's bad or not.
[Joanne:] You could last night.
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] [LAUGHTER] He spewed over my head []
[Scott:] Yeah but when he got down here he was as right as rain wasn't he?
[Joanne:] When he spewed on me he sort of give it away though. [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] Yeah. Give it away a bit really didn't he?... Brrrrrrrrrr right, we off up?
[Joanne:] Yeah, in a minute.
[Scott:] [LAUGHTER]... Meet us round Andy's at half ten... it's five past.
[Joanne:] Mm. I've only got to put a jumper on and get my bag.... Got to go up yours though haven't I?... Go to the toilet
[Scott:] I shall walk... save any unpleasantness about lifts.... Well... if I left at the same time as you... he mi he might feel obliged to offer me a lift but if he did
[Joanne:] I doubt it.
[Scott:] I would say no.
[Emma:] Talking about?
[Scott:] Who do you think?
[Emma:] Well we're going home now, we're not going up to Shr to... Andy's straight away....
[Scott:] Oh is that what you meant? I thought you meant...
[Joanne:] No I've gotta go and get my bag and my jumper
[Scott:] Oh I thought you meant you were going straight to do the papers.
[Emma:] No, we haven't got the
[Joanne:] They're at Emma's. I've got to go and get my bag and go up to Emma's and put all my pa
[Emma:] put some clothes on first as well.
[Joanne:] have we got a leaflet?
[Emma:] No.
[Joanne:] Good.
[Emma:] put some clothes on first. got pneumonia.
[Joanne:] wearing last night.
[Scott:] Oh shut up.
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER]
[Scott:] She was wearing enough and I was h warm blooded.
[Emma:] horny then, I was gonna say...
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Hug your comfort blanket....
[Emma:] What?
[Helena:] Nothing.
[Scott:] Oh bollocks.
[Joanne:] Oh god I've... them b two beers are down there and all.
[Helena:] Oh
[Emma:] Hel will have them when we've gone. [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] Our didn't stay long did he?
[Emma:] Just picked up the kids.
[Scott:] You know where he's sleeping don't you?
[Joanne:] Where?
[Emma:] No.
[Joanne:] Oh! Got some gossip about Mick and June before we go.
[Scott:] In his bloody warehouse.
[Helena:] Oh yeah?
[Emma:] Eh?
[Scott:] His warehouse... where he keeps all his stuff....
[Joanne:] Yeah... gossip about June and Mick.... He's got a girlfriend called Diane right, well you knew that didn't you? Well er... he's, she's got two kids, little ones... and has moved in to a house... dunno whether it's with her or not but he's very touchy about the subject when anybody asks cos Johnny said oh... I'm sorry to hear about you and he g he go goes oh I suppose you know it all do you? And he goes no, he goes oh I'm surprised I thought Johnny would have told you all of it. And John goes no he hasn't said a thing. Goes... honestly, he goes, he goes he goes... look Mick he hasn't said anything to me, if you don't believe me then tough, you know. And he said anyway... according to mu dad's suspicions, and from what mum's been earwigging, erm that's why he left her. Not because he didn't love her any more, it's cos he's having this fling with this Diane.
[Helena:] Ooh!
[Joanne:] She's tall and thin with red hair. And she's got two young kids.
[Emma:] Yeah, like but like erm
[Helena:] Totally the opposite to June really isn't it?
[Emma:] Yeah. What I thought... because that, because erm
[Scott:] He was a fish [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] because he like, oh he got over it real quick didn't he? Cos he ha he had a girlfriend didn't he? Mark said he had like... lady friend whatever.
[Joanne:] Yeah but that's why he left her.
[Emma:] Yeah I know but like... he didn't sort of do it very con inconspicuously did he?
[Helena:] No.
[Emma:] Like couple of weeks after, after he'd
[Joanne:] Well he's moved
[Emma:] moved out he'd flipping... shacked up with someone else hadn't he?
[Joanne:] He well he's, he's moved into somewhere, dunno whether it's with this woman or not... but she's got two young kids....
[Helena:] Ooh dear.
[Joanne:] The bastard.
[Scott:] Say no more.... Two young kids.
[Emma:] How young?...
[Joanne:] [shouting] Where's my shoes []?
[Scott:] Up my bottom.
[Helena:] Alright then chickens.
[Joanne:] see you later, you're not coming out till after tea are you?
[Emma:] No.
[Joanne:] [shouting] Get on with it []. Sue what [LAUGHTER]
[Susan:] [LAUGHTER]...
[speaker002:] Oh dear.... our conversation's even more riveting than it was before it went on....
[Helena:] Actually it takes a while to get used to. When we first started... like we wouldn't speak or anything and it was really bad. But then me and Emma got going and we [LAUGHTER] got a bit drunk and... we just said anything [] and it was really embarrassing.
[speaker002:] So what's the So what are you doing this for?...
[Helena:] For erm research I think. Like they're looking at people's accents and erm
[speaker002:] How did you get it?... I wouldn't do it.
[Helena:] This man just knocked on the door and said will you do this for me?
[Susan:] Why?
[Joanne:] Twenty three tapes
[speaker002:] You're joking!
[Helena:] And you get twenty five pound at the end.
[speaker002:] Ask him if he wants to come and knock at my door. [LAUGHTER] No no don't tell him where I live....
[Helena:] Crisp anybody?...
[speaker002:] Becki... Thanks Clare, nice chips. [LAUGHTER]...
[Helena:] I was waiting for Mr to say something to me then, I was sat there going
[speaker002:] And yes you can nick some chips Oh ... No Tim's gonna, he's gonna say something.
[Helena:] No let him talk
[Joanne:] She's gotta record the conversations so don't say anything.
[speaker002:] What about? What have you done?
[Helena:] Nothing.
[speaker002:] I can hear you say... don't say anything. What are saying don't say anything about for? are you going down to the hall? Yes you are, I just heard you. Cos you're paranoid. Are you going then or are you stopping in?... [LAUGHTER] Does she know what's going on? No.... [LAUGHTER] Why didn't you school this morning []? What did they say when they saw you shoplifting? [LAUGHTER] You what? We didn't have French this morning. [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] What do you mean, you're a secret stripper? [LAUGHTER]
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER] What are you going on about? What do you mean your dad's in prison?... That's not funny.... Yeah my dad is for armed robbery, for poundstretchers [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] 's dad who's in the I R A.
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER] Of course he lives in Redditch.... And he's dad. [LAUGHTER] Susan's dad employed me.
[Helena:] Just peak just speak to each other normally. I've gotta listen back to all this and write all your names down. [LAUGHTER]
[speaker002:] Hope you change my name.
[Sheila:] Well I'm Clare.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[David:] And I'm Becki
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker002:] And I'm Becki and I'm madly in love with Andrew.... So tell me Clare, how much do you weigh? [LAUGHTER] Only eighteen stone... on a good day. the twenty stone I was last month.... If you're eating your lunch why don't you have a chair? [LAUGHTER] I'm not eating anything. I can eat standing up. Now you'll get indigestion and then you'll feel sick and then you'll be moaning to me all afternoon. And then your painting will be in her Come on Sue, let's leave this lot
[Helena:] my chips if you want to darling.
[speaker002:] Excuse me argument?
[Helena:] No put it down.
[speaker002:] Did they send you the microphone as well?... Where did you get it from? And the Walkman?... Where did you get it from?
[Helena:] It's a survey.
[speaker002:] Why doesn't anybody come, ever come round to my house and ask me? I know! Come on, carry on.
[Emma:] Oh great! Well done!
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]... Well no-one's gonna know.... What do you think they put it on radio or something?
[speaker002:] recording it for?... Well the the it's just a survey to see
[Helena:] what, what words people actually use in everyday life.
[speaker002:] Oh ya, ya. [LAUGHTER] Great. Andrew... well at the mo at the moment is the most used word. [LAUGHTER]...
[Helena:] It's a nice name that is actually,
[David:] Yeah
[Helena:] Is it Italian or something?
[David:] be Becki
[speaker002:] I think a really nice name is is
[David:] This isn't gonna be shown in the school is it?
[speaker002:] Yeah. Ooh
[David:] Where's it going?
[Helena:] Just send it away. It goes to London.... Nobody's gonna know Becki, don't worry.
[David:] Alright and guess who lives in London?... Stephanie [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] Yeah well there's qu there's quite a few million people actually who do.
[David:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] So I don't think that actually...
[David:] can't really miss her, such a fat cow.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker002:] Speak of the devil
[David:] Oh sit yourself down you fat cow.
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER]...
[Helena:] Steph... any cards?
[speaker002:] Stiff.
[Helena:] Have you got my card? Can I
[speaker002:] Stiff?
[Helena:] have it a sec?
[speaker002:] How did you get on Steph?... Was it good?
[Helena:] Excuse me, speak up a bit. [LAUGHTER] Don't worry I'm only recording you.
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER] Do you know what I'd do?... I'd put it underneath the drawer in my mum and dad's bedroom at night. [LAUGHTER] Specially in a caravan they're going [singing] rock rock rock rock rock rock [] ... Ah! Oh that would be funny that would....
[Helena:] Whatever you do don't panic. She will think you're manic. Whatever you do don't pale because you're bound to fail. Just give us a big cheesy grin and you know you're in with a chance squeaky clean. Good luck sorry about the
[speaker002:] I had a dream last night, there was a mega earthquake. And Clare was supporting it? No
[Helena:] Clare had got flatulence [LAUGHTER]... sorry that was nasty.
[speaker002:] Can I use some big words? obscure... antidisestablishmentarianism Ooh!... She's got a dictionary somewhere. Read it. That's the longest word in the dictionary. [singing] [] Pardon? That's the longest word in the dictionary....
[Helena:] Sad. People s started sniffing
[speaker002:] I reckon the most used words are things like the
[Helena:] And sex. No I don't.
[speaker002:] And. Yeah. No like cos people go... you mean like you mean like And if you come from Man if you come from Manchester it's Aye.
[Helena:] It actually picks up voices really well. Cos I had a load of music on and you could still hear voice.
[speaker002:] Well how about the background noise? Will it, can it do the background noise? [LAUGHTER]...
[Helena:] I dunno. I haven't listened to that much really
[speaker002:] pick it up if I farted?
[Helena:] Not with me, no. Oh yes I have in my bag.
[speaker002:] Have you? Shall we listen to it in a minute, please?
[Helena:] Alright then.
[speaker002:] I wanna listen to it, you've already listened to it. Do you mind not using this... obscure words.
[Helena:] It doesn't matter [LAUGHTER] you can fart if you want [].
[speaker002:] You should pick up a chair and throw it at me [LAUGHTER] but []
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]... Me and Emma was talking about the flipping things she gets up to with Scott.
[speaker002:] Well that's not much.
[Helena:] What?
[speaker002:] Emma who? Not much really. ?...
[Helena:] I forgot you knew [LAUGHTER] her actually [] just then.
[speaker002:] Becki, do you know Emma?
[David:] No, sorry.
[speaker002:] On her first day there she asked yeah
[Helena:] Hang on, let me switch myself off.
[speaker002:] Why bother? Stick it in your pocket
[Joanne:] Helena
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] and she goes why, I goes well... every time I got, when I went out the other night and when I come in the other night there was Helena with her arms round Andrew, so it's not that I, I'm worried about it but... I just think it's a bit tarty of her cos she's... fancies the pants off Pete and as soon as my back's turned and Pete isn't there she's all over Andrew. And I goes yeah I know what you mean. I goes
[Helena:] I'm not really, I only wind you up.
[Joanne:] I goes erm... I know exactly what's gonna happen when I go away this Easter.... I goes I'm not bothered about the fact she's getting off with him, I'm just thinking, you know, it's not fair on Peter....
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Oh yeah it's not fair on Peter. Oh poor, poor angelic little Peter. Yeah he's not taking me for a ride or anything.
[Joanne:] Well you as well because you've... but er you're using Andrew really. I mean I
[Helena:] No I'm not! I wouldn't do anything.
[Joanne:] I got off with Andrew but that's all a p only a... who I... get off with him and I don't fancy him, I know I don't want to go out with him I just fancy him for the occasional snog, fair enough... but I'm just saying like you know... you... fancy
[Helena:] I
[Joanne:] the pants of Peter but if my, my back's turned and Peter ain't there you're all over Andrew like... bloody
[Helena:] I know but I mean I, I only, I only wind him up, I only wind you up, I don't really do anything. I mean I used to fancy him really badly.
[Joanne:] You will do when I'm in, at Easter.
[Helena:] I won't.
[Joanne:] You will....
[Helena:] No I don't... unless I was drunk I wouldn't, because... because I know he do
[Joanne:] Yeah but you're gonna get drunk so what's the problem?
[Helena:] I know I, cos I know he doesn't want to really.... And to be quite honest if Pete's there everyone else can just go and drop dead [LAUGHTER] cos I, it's true
[Joanne:] Exactly.
[Helena:] it's true I know it is. I really fancy Peter like flipping... god's sake I mean I really do. You know and I, I, I only wind you and Andy up, I wouldn't really do anything. Honestly I wouldn't.
[Joanne:] Come on then....
[Helena:] [sighing] Oh dear []. But... [LAUGHTER] I wouldn't really do anything Joanne. Don't you trust me? [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] No.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Not really surprising []. No I wouldn't really. Do you trust me?
[Joanne:] No.
[Helena:] Good....
[Joanne:] Don't know where Scott's taking Emma last night.
[Helena:] No. Probably take her out
[Joanne:] He won't take her out for a meal.
[Helena:] Don't you think?
[Joanne:] No, said to him are you he goes no....
[Helena:] [singing] []...
[Joanne:] Who sings that?
[Helena:] [singing] []
[Joanne:] Oh it's the same song innit? [LAUGHTER]... [singing] everywhere you go []
[Helena:] [singing] everywhere you go [] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] [singing]
[Helena:] Hello Smokey... ooh I've had such a bad morning. It's all taken such an effort. Felt like not going to school I can tell you....
[Joanne:] otherwise er... I'm gonna be skiving off.
[Emma:] but I had to inform people.
[Joanne:] Who have you told?
[Mark Shrimpy:] My mate.
[Emma:] Everybody.
[Mark Shrimpy:] My mate....
[Emma:] Have you, have you been getting any strange looks or haven't you noticed?
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]... But I told Isabel and Clare and Stephanie... oh and Lisa and Emma they all thought it was really funny....
[Emma:] I ain't told Lee yet though.
[Helena:] Oh and er
[Joanne:] Eh?
[Emma:] I ain't told Lee yet though he's been away I think
[Helena:] oh and Sarah
[Emma:] but ne he'll get the treatment on Monday.
[Joanne:] I'll get it off him and then I'll say
[Helena:] oh and Sarah and
[Emma:] I told Danny
[Mark Shrimpy:] I told my boss as well and he killed himself laughing.
[Helena:] Oh and Nichola
[Mark Shrimpy:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] Lisa...
[Emma:] Well bloody friends you lot are, you and your fucking
[Mark Shrimpy:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] goes how did your party go? I goes oh really well.
[Mark Shrimpy:] [LAUGHTER] Andy []
[Helena:] Andy vomited into Joanne's hair!
[Mark Shrimpy:] [LAUGHTER]... What?
[Joanne:] You.
[Mark Shrimpy:] ...
[Helena:] Hello Sammy darling!...
[Andy:] the mail box bomb... you need... two litre bottle of chlorine it's a How many bombs are in there? There's about twenty different No listen, listen you need a two litre bottle of chlorine which must contain sodium hy... hypochlorite You can get, that's bleach, you can get that in bleach. Yeah.... sugar and a small amount of water
[Joanne:] [humming]
[Andy:] mix all three of these equal amounts and fill about a tenth of the bottle. Screw on the lid and place in the
[Joanne:] [singing] []
[Andy:] Ha! Oh that's America Yeah it's all American. It gives prices in dollars and everything I know.... Don't say anything about this by the way cos it's illegal. I know it's illegal.
[Helena:] Oh this joke today? Er right walking on the beach... and he a genie came out when he rubbed it and he goes oh no way man. The genie comes out and goes you, I can only grant you one wish, think carefully. He goes right thought for ages and he thought right what do I really need? Yeah, right I've decided what I really want is a dick that, that, that drags on the floor. So the genie cut both his legs off.
[Andy:] Same with you, don't say anything about this.
[Emma:] About what?
[Andy:] About this,
[Emma:] Let's have a look.
[Andy:] Don't napalm bombs, no do, do What? They can put napalm. Make bombs, yeah.... the I R A
[Emma:] but you can make a bomb out of erm... bleach and that
[speaker002:] ...
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] I thought that was quite funny at the time.... Er
[Andy:] I have more days off than you have. Have you got whitsun off?... Have you got whitsun week off?... I have. Have you got... pardon?
[Mark Shrimpy:] Yes.
[Andy:] gotta have whitsun off.
[Helena:] Oh what, what erm... what's toilet rolls and er... Starship Enterprise got in common?
[Joanne:] A load of crap.
[Helena:] They both go round and try and get rid of cling-ons.
[Andy:] I've got two weeks at christmas, I've got a week's... two weeks in the summer... I've got an extra week and christmas... no hold it, christmas... so
[speaker002:] [belch]
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Andy:] Ha! Thirty nine days a year I'll be having.
[Mark Shrimpy:] Who gives a shit?
[Andy:] Me, cos it's and groovy and you're
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER]
[Andy:] So there!... Pardon? True, true. But there's one called operation fuck up. got a bomb, what you do you know
[Helena:] Only just switched it on.
[Andy:] car... you, you er... you break, break open the window and get it... and er you cover their seats in syrup, all over so that you know, really sticky, golden syrup. Er you then... fill their car with whole car and this is the really sick part of it... you put, you er rip, slash their, you put s you put their car and then your tyres and fill it with, instead of air you fill them with cement. So when they do finally get their car it goes about three miles to the gallon, and it, it really
[Joanne:] it on with the music blaring.
[Helena:] it's worse when you've got
[Joanne:] put the kettle on.
[Helena:] I'm not picking on Emm.... I'm not picking on Emm. None of those people know her so it doesn't matter.
[Joanne:] Oh it don't matter, don't matter. Nobody knows Helena shall I?
[Helena:] Would you?
[Joanne:] Well why should me? Nobody knows shall I?
[Andy:] You then open up their petr you open up their erm... petrol tank Drink? and tip
[Emma:] Yeah
[Helena:] Please
[Joanne:] Yes please And. Put it down a bit.
[Andy:] two bags of sugar into their petrol and when the engine heats up it turns to caramel, you know like like toffee. And it blows all the gaskets and they have to have every single part of the engine taken out and cleaned
[Helena:] that was hideous
[Andy:] I would love to do that. Well it's a waste of time, you'd have to scrap the car then. And then you and then you get that magnesium oxide, you get that magnesium ribbon and that thermite and you erm you, you
[Joanne:] put that in.
[Andy:] and it melts your engine block
[Helena:] Shit.
[Joanne:] I'll forgive you
[Helena:] Joanne... Joanne... [shouting] Joanne []...
[speaker002:] What?
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] thing is... that men's dicks should be as big as their hands.... how small Andrew's hands are.
[Andy:] that Y-front.
[Mark Shrimpy:] Yeah it's about that wide [LAUGHTER]...
[Andy:] Does it sprout five different endings does it? They'd have to be, they'd need trimming
[Mark Shrimpy:] Yeah
[Joanne:] Andy's got small fingers.
[speaker002:] Stubby... they are stubby.
[Joanne:] short and fat then?
[speaker002:] hands, that's how hands should be
[Emma:] They that is piano hands they are, they're short... they're long and skinny. If you got a piece of A four paper you'd ha you wouldn't be able to fit it on
[Joanne:] A five.
[speaker002:] got your hands full....
[Mark Shrimpy:] Hey And, I can see you better now.
[Andy:] Oh can you?
[Mark Shrimpy:] Yeah.
[Andy:] No, not really me is it?
[Mark Shrimpy:] Oh you look like... have you seen that er what's it... the hyperspace hotel? Have you seen that one that
[speaker002:] hotel.
[Andy:] on my head on my head
[Mark Shrimpy:] got that irritating voice and you sou you look just like him....
[Andy:] Yeah I know him well....
[Mark Shrimpy:] But he, he's got dark hair....
[Andy:] [singing] [] Ah yes
[speaker002:] save me some....
[Andy:] ah... yes please!
[Emma:] Can't usually read them books.
[Helena:] I can't.
[speaker002:] sighted are you? Are you short sighted?
[Emma:] Yeah.
[speaker002:] Yeah not badly are you?
[Emma:] Well
[speaker002:] You will be soon. [LAUGHTER] Glasses could really fuck up your eyes.... I mean I can't even read that.
[Andy:] What? I'm not getting pissed this weekend.
[Mark Shrimpy:] Pardon?
[Andy:] Said I'm not getting pissed this weekend at all.
[Mark Shrimpy:] Nor am I.
[Andy:] So... we're gonna Saturday week, Sunday week.
[Joanne:] I can't afford it.
[Andy:] Nor can I. mad going mad.
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER] I am yeah []
[Andy:] He's not going are mad
[speaker002:] [shouting] Bye Shrimp []. See you tomorrow See you tomorrow Shrimp
[Mark Shrimpy:] Bye, see you.
[speaker002:] Bye
[Helena:] exactly what I'd do.
[speaker002:] Oh I feel sick.
[Emma:] What you eating?
[speaker002:] What?
[Andy:] spare one in there.
[Emma:] oh you're sick.
[Joanne:] Yeah they're nice. What are they?
[speaker002:] biscuits.
[Emma:] dog biscuits
[Joanne:] Mm. They're horrible Bonio they're gorgeous.
[Andy:] Yeah lovely.
[Joanne:] I have them for my tea....
[Emma:] Have you had them marrow bones?
[Andy:] Don't like them.
[Emma:] Sick ain't they?...
[Joanne:] Not the Bonio.
[Andy:] Go on then.... [singing to record]
[Helena:] Shut up.... Look they already think you're a yob....
[Andy:] Yaaaaaa
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]... I've gotta give that to somebody tomorrow.
[Andy:] Can't help being an animal.
[Helena:] There isn't, no. What? The whole first of the s er...
[Andy:] Ah!... I love this song.
[speaker002:] Yeah don't beat me up now.
[Andy:] It's ace.
[Emma:] Is it you is it you fat dad?
[Andy:] It's my dad.
[Emma:] [shouting] My dad []
[speaker002:] You have
[Helena:] I told, I told my dad that was
[Andy:] What?
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] I told my dad that was [] I chucked his in the bin... and it had sort of stains on it [LAUGHTER] and I told him that was [LAUGHTER] ...
[Andy:] I wish I'd put on Rich. Eh? Shall I put on What?... I don't like Carter...
[Helena:] I like this.
[Andy:] ugly geek at the door. This one's ace.... Ugly geek? Mm. It's
[Emma:] Er other two.
[Andy:] [LAUGHTER] other two? Shrimpy's gone home.
[Helena:] gone home Joanne's outside.
[Andy:] Joanne's outside smoking a weed.
[Emma:] Fagging....
[Andy:] She's in the kennel.
[Helena:] Smok oh smoking weed.
[Andy:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] You really hate that so much [] don't you?
[Andy:] [LAUGHTER] In the kennel []
[Emma:] fagging. Fag before school, before I go in, dinner time when I go round the back
[Andy:] Drinks mead
[Helena:] [singing] [] [LAUGHTER]
[Andy:] bottle of mead.
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER]
[Andy:] [LAUGHTER] Imagine Lee sat in a bottle []. [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Andy:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER]
[Andy:] He'd be upside down when you're drinking it. Yeah. [LAUGHTER] it's crap.
[Helena:] That was a crap joke....
[Andy:] one of these we can try now.... We've tried bomb and nap napalm.
[Emma:] Salt.
[Andy:] It looked like Colgate. The other
[Emma:] Salt and weedkiller works.
[Andy:] We tried it with diesel no unleaded petrol we tried it with... didn't work very well.
[Emma:] Unlead unleaded petrol's better.
[Andy:] It, it exploded but not in fire. It just went pwooooh and shattered glass everywhere. Alright then. on the floor?
[Emma:] Which is the one
[Andy:] [LAUGHTER] Not all over the top, there's all the glasses [].
[Emma:] which is the one, which is the erm... like you put it erm, you can't see a flame like, it's alcohol innit?
[Helena:] Yeah
[Andy:] What?
[Emma:] Alcohol burns and you can't see a flame can you?
[Helena:] No. Yeah cos I was burning
[Andy:] You can.
[Emma:] Dad, dad used to use it for the bonfires but when he, when he didn't have any petrol he used to use it on the bonfire and he had it in a secret bottle... and erm he got it too near and he didn't realize and all of a sudden it goes really really hot and he threw it and everywhere.
[Andy:] Well in this bomb it's potassium permanganate... you need potassium permanganate and petrol
[Emma:] Have you ever thrown one?
[Helena:] No. Never done I've never made a bomb.
[Andy:] on his face and he's going oh I've got, he says I can't... he's going no no my face is stinging and... he goes my face hurts, his face was red like, he goes it hurts, it's stinging and he's rubbing and everything... and he goes oh it hurts, it hurts and laughing at him. What? drip down there Yeah. big red mark
[Emma:] a nasty person.
[Helena:] He was a real... so and so
[Emma:] A real rotter.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] say bastard []
[Andy:] The worse thing is when it gets in your eye when they put it on at the hairdressers after... ugh Yeah I'm allergic to perm lotion.
[Helena:] Oh.
[Andy:] And it, and it like, it run down me face there and I had a big red mark on me face.
[Emma:] Oh yeah I saw that.
[Helena:] It's acid that's why.
[Andy:] Yeah they they they [singing] Acid [] when, in the hairdresser they put it on my hair and it went in my eye. Probably
[Helena:] Ah!
[Andy:] went aaaah you know er all the blokes at work are going on a rave in Newcastle this weekend. Yeah oh meant to be They're going Saturday night
[Emma:] have hair cut Andrew? Andrew.
[Andy:] meant to be good for nightclubs. I wanna go to
[Emma:] have it shaved
[Andy:] Did I tell you the name... They're place is called, oh there, there was er couple of weeks ago, they had a strip show
[Emma:] you know layered
[Andy:] Yeah? Yeah. What? well in, in erm... in erm... Plymouth they've got, they've got this band called Erotica, they've got another one called Boobs... and all these different and he said they live up to their er names like.
[Emma:] Andrew. my hair done.
[Andy:] Who gives a shit? I'd love to have mine... shaved off from about there back.
[Emma:] [LAUGHTER]
[Andy:] I'd love to have my hair about
[Emma:] What permed?
[Andy:] I'd like to have my hair No shaved from there back and then as it is at the moment in the front. I'd like to have my hair about that long, about erm
[Helena:] Oh A why do men insist on doing disgusting things to their hair?
[Andy:] I want my hair that long and er
[Emma:] probably have it cut the same way
[Andy:] I I I I... I er I couldn't have it done cos of work but I'd love to have it done. If I wasn't at work I'd have it done.
[Helena:] Oh
[Andy:] and and that's what I want done, my hair about that long erm
[Emma:] You'd look a total knob Andrew.
[Andy:] be excellent. And then I could put it all back in a ponytail except for a bit at the front dripping down. Excellent
[Helena:] It takes honestly it takes so much willpower to grow your hair it really does.
[Andy:] I know it that's why I cut mine.
[Helena:] It get, it gets, it gets to about that length
[Andy:] no it gets to shoulder, it gets to shoulder length... well remember mine did, mine before I had it cut
[Helena:] Oh that wasn't shoulder length.
[Andy:] Yeah. No well it was like down to there. [LAUGHTER] It was when it grew from here. And that, and that, and that was a like a really. It began to annoy me. Yeah my hair was that long when I had it cut. It really cheesed me off....
[Helena:] If you, you get it to a certain length... and it's a bit too short to have the layers cut out, cos you need it all the same length really and it pisses you off so much.
[Andy:] It's too, it's too long to do anything with and to short to
[Helena:] Yeah.
[Andy:] it's too short to
[Helena:] Cut
[Andy:] like
[Helena:] It's too sh
[Andy:] Style. look, start... yeah, too short to look stylish and too long to do anything with
[Helena:] Yeah.
[Andy:] so it just sort of there
[Emma:] Yeah, too heavy innit sort of thing.
[Andy:] Yeah.
[Helena:] If you can have it c if you can have it cut all one length it's alright then.
[Emma:] Your perm's quite now innit?
[Andy:] I was thinking of having extensions actually, in my hair... till it grew. Having what? Extensions.
[Emma:] Do you know how much they cost?
[Andy:] Yeah about forty quid.
[Emma:] Yeah that's not for a lot though, that isn't.
[Andy:] That's for your whole head. It is, forty quid. I mean he just leaves the
[Emma:] You've gotta have your hair longer than that though.
[Andy:] you have, it probably you can't,ye yeah but my hair was the right length before. That's when I was gonna have it done. But er Wanna keep... wanna keep mine short at the back now....
[Emma:] Yeah I think, I think
[Andy:] You, you can't wash your hair for about... er when you have extensions
[Emma:] I don't like men having long hair.
[Andy:] you can't wash your hair for about two months or something like that.
[Emma:] Don't suit them.
[Andy:] Cos had it done, he never washes his, like erm went for about four months without washing his hair and it, it really did reek. It was horrible, it just smelt.
[Helena:] If you leave it for so long though
[Andy:] Really bad.
[Helena:] it starts cleaning itself and it's alright then.
[Andy:] Well his didn't.
[Helena:] But you have to leave it for like months.
[Emma:] Are you growing your hair again?...
[Helena:] Are you?...
[Andy:] Alright this is a good one
[Helena:] I thought about having mine permed actually. [LAUGHTER]
[Emma:] It won't suit you.
[Helena:] What?
[Emma:] It won't suit you.
[Joanne:] Don't start that. From my experience of perms... I wouldn't bother.
[Andy:] Perms are okay if...
[Emma:] Yeah but it depends whose hair it is.
[Andy:] having to look stupid drop out and look okay Here you are And this is a good one... diskette fire... you computer you need a disk, some scissors, white or blue kitchen matches so and clear nail polish. The reason they've gotta be those colours is erm and clear nail polish. Carefully open up the diskette three point five inches for the best effect and it's like my Amiga one... remove the top covering from the inside, scrape a lot of match powder into a bowl match powder. After you have a lot, spread it evenly on the inside disk. Using nail polish spread it over the match mixture, let it dry, carefully put diskette back together nail polish to seal it, do it on the inside where it came apart. When that disk is in a drive the drive head to read the disk which causes a small fire... inside disk drive ha ha ha ha, let the fuckhead try and fix that. [LAUGHTER] It melts all your disk drive. Start all, start a fire. Excellent eh? bomb, this is good.
[Joanne:] Well on mine she did it once, it didn't work so she did it again for free and then it all started breaking off. It fell out the day after.
[Emma:] It's probably your hair then.
[Joanne:] Then I grew it out then I grew it out and then it was all brittle still so I had it cut. And now I'm growing it. I shall grow it down into a bob and have it a bit long steppy bit at the back... and keep growing it.
[Helena:] I think you'd look good with like an asymmetrical bob.
[Joanne:] at the back?
[Helena:] Yeah.
[Joanne:] I hate them.
[Helena:] Do you?
[Emma:] I think they look nice actually
[Joanne:] at the back... like their bob's there and they go up at the back.
[Helena:] Like if you have it like there
[Joanne:] You know, you know Dawn?... With really dyed blond hair and dark roots... curly?
[Helena:] yeah.
[Emma:] The one
[Joanne:] What? Yeah.
[Emma:] yeah.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] Goes up at the back.
[Emma:] She's got
[Joanne:] I hate them
[Helena:] What?
[Andy:] They cut a small hole in a tennis ball, stuff all the match heads into the ball until you can't fit any more in
[Mark Shrimpy:] Oh Rich
[Andy:] that's gonna probably gonna cost you about
[Mark Shrimpy:] she's recording this.
[Andy:] So?
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] So?
[Andy:] So that's gonna ma that's gonna be about three quid's worth of matches.
[Mark Shrimpy:] Giving away secret information of how to make bombs.
[Andy:] Then tape over it with duck tape, make sure it is real nice and tight then when you see a geek walking down the street give it a good throw... you will have a blast. [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Andy:] That is ace....
[Helena:] It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter what you say.
[Mark Shrimpy:] Say.
[Helena:] Say....
[Mark Shrimpy:] Who are you giving it to?...
[Andy:] Except that this is highly highly illegal information
[Mark Shrimpy:] ?
[Helena:] What?
[Mark Shrimpy:] ... what?
[Helena:] They're doing a survey
[Andy:] Here you are, napalm napalm lightbulb.
[Helena:] on like what words different
[Andy:] Heat kerosene and gasoline in a double boiler, melt soap chips and stir in slowly, put somewhere and allow to cool. Heat the thread of the bulb very carefully to melt the glue, remove thread slowing drawing out the filament, do not break the electrical or filament will, just won't work... pour the liquid into the bulb and slowly lower the filament back dipped in some. Redo the thread back on and turn it into a socket frequently used by the victim and get the hell out. [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] and like what accent people are talking at Yeah. Well it's how we, it's how we usually talk isn't it?
[Mark Shrimpy:] that much usually.
[Helena:] What?
[Mark Shrimpy:] We don't that much
[Helena:] No but I mean... conversation, it's conversation with my friends and conversation with my parents
[Andy:] When the victim switches the switch he will be in for a big surprise.... Basically you've killed him.... It just blows the whole room up. [LAUGHTER] Have fun it says underneath []. [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] till tomorrow. I've only done three tapes, he gave me twenty.
[Mark Shrimpy:] He gave you twenty tapes?
[Andy:] Yeah here you are this is a good one, calcium carbine bomb. This is extremely dangerous.
[Mark Shrimpy:] And they wanted you to do all of them?
[Helena:] No. You only have to do as many as you can.
[Andy:] Exercise extreme caution. Obtain some calcium carbine this is and can be found at nearly every hardware store. Take a few pieces of this stuff, it looks like gravel
[Mark Shrimpy:] You've brought a load round with you now have you, to do? [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] What?
[Mark Shrimpy:] Are you gonna do a load tonight?
[Helena:] No. I'll give him whatever I do.
[Andy:] and put it in a glass jar with some water, put a lid on tightly. The carbine will react with the water to produce acetylene carbonate which is similar to the gas used in cutting torches. Eventually the glass will explode from internal pressure, it will leave a burning ragged hole and you get a nice fire ball. [LAUGHTER] Be excellent wouldn't it?
[Mark Shrimpy:] Giving away trade secrets of how to make bombs here you know.... Is it a good microphone?
[Helena:] What?
[Mark Shrimpy:] microphone...
[Helena:] I don't know, probably not... probably but at least
[Mark Shrimpy:] It'll get you it won't get me
[Andy:] Somebody has been spraying my aftershave.
[Mark Shrimpy:] What?
[Helena:] Yeah I can smell it.
[Mark Shrimpy:] Oh
[Andy:] Obsession.
[Helena:] Mm.... I can smell
[Joanne:] Go and have a spray... get rid of the whiff. It was probably yours weren't it?
[Andy:] Yeah.
[Joanne:] Don't matter then.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Andy:] No, what your whiff
[Mark Shrimpy:] Don't keep mine in there cos he uses it.
[Andy:] What?
[Mark Shrimpy:] You use my deodorant if I leave it in there.
[Andy:] No I don't.
[Mark Shrimpy:] You do.
[Andy:] No it stinks. I bought one bottle of that and that stinks.
[Mark Shrimpy:] Have you smelt yours?...
[Andy:] Haven't got any in there
[Mark Shrimpy:] Not that one. What, which one is it you had... not, you got yeah and you haven't got it any more. It was really sick it was
[Andy:] I though that
[Joanne:] What the one Shrimpy sprayed in my hair?
[Mark Shrimpy:] What?
[Andy:] Adidas.
[Joanne:] I swear people hate my hair. I've had
[Mark Shrimpy:] No I like your Adidas,
[Andy:] What?
[Mark Shrimpy:] I'm not sure, it was sick whatever it was.
[Joanne:] Andrew's deodorant sprayed in it I've had Andy being sick on my hair
[Andy:] What?
[Mark Shrimpy:] One of, one of
[Andy:] And Solo You know those little bottles of
[Mark Shrimpy:] No it weren't
[Joanne:] Put, let's let's turn this crap off.
[Andy:] well I don't put any of that st
[Mark Shrimpy:] Well Solo ain't very nice but th I ain't on about that.
[Andy:] No, the only little bottles about that big that I've got... And What? you know the little bottles about that big that I've got? And... What? you know those little bottles I've got about that big? Six of them in that pack what you got from. I got one of them and I had and it's got that in it. And er that's the one you know with er... it's the one with the golf ball in it's lid anyway Ah yeah. and I spilt the entire contents of that over my shirt... one of my old shirts... and it's the only one I had to wear, I actually had to wear it, it absolutely reeked. It still does smell a bit cos I haven't washed it since then and that was about three months ago.... Come here you fat animal....
[Mark Shrimpy:] Leave my dog alone you smelly git....
[Andy:] If you turd on the carpet you're eating it.
[Mark Shrimpy:] [LAUGHTER]
[Andy:] And your turd. Here you are, this is a good one
[Mark Shrimpy:] Sam, come here Sam.
[Andy:] Here is a recipe for a hell of a smoke bomb. Four parts sugar, six parts
[Mark Shrimpy:] Come here, come on Sam.
[Andy:] six parts potassium nitrate... which is, I dunno what that is actually, it says salt peter... next to it someone called Peter and it's salt Yeah. nitrate
[Mark Shrimpy:] [LAUGHTER]
[Andy:] Heat this [LAUGHTER] heat this mixture over a low flame until it melts, stirring well. Pour it into a pewter container and before it solidifies embed a few matches into the mixture
[Mark Shrimpy:] [LAUGHTER] Sounds like a actually, low flame []
[Andy:] to use as fuses. One pound of this stuff will fill up a whole block with thick white smoke.... [LAUGHTER]
[Mark Shrimpy:] anyway
[Joanne:] What?
[Mark Shrimpy:] I'm telling you.
[Andy:] One pound that's hardly anything is it?
[Mark Shrimpy:] Dunno. Selling it in August
[Joanne:] How do you stop this?
[Andy:] One pound is about er
[Helena:] Selling what?
[Mark Shrimpy:] My megadrive.
[Helena:] Oh.
[Joanne:] How do you turn this off?
[Andy:] Oh yeah, why?
[Mark Shrimpy:] Buying a Virtuality system.
[speaker002:] heard that one.
[Andy:] Are you?
[Mark Shrimpy:] Two hundred and twenty nine quid.
[Andy:] Yeah. What
[Mark Shrimpy:] er portable home one.
[Andy:] oh what... do you get games on it
[Mark Shrimpy:] Comes out in August.
[Andy:] or what? Or is it
[Mark Shrimpy:] What?
[Andy:] What is it for, games?
[Mark Shrimpy:] You know Virtuality?
[Andy:] Yeah I know what it is but
[Mark Shrimpy:] The
[Andy:] I mean is it yeah but is it for... creating your own...
[Mark Shrimpy:] No it's erm... well it's
[Andy:] worlds like?
[Mark Shrimpy:] You get, you can buy the games for it.
[Andy:] Yeah.
[Mark Shrimpy:] Don't know how much they're gonna be though cos if this system's only two hundred and twenty nine quid
[Andy:] I thought it was like driving but you're sitting in the car properly aren't you?
[Mark Shrimpy:] Well you've got shades on... so when you look around you see whatever's around inside the game....
[Andy:] ace actually. show a different view
[Mark Shrimpy:] Yeah.
[Andy:] just go like that, excellent.
[Mark Shrimpy:] It will be quite hard as well cos say something's coming up behind you, the only way you can see is to go like that.
[Andy:] You have to keep looking, unless you have mirrors or something... you might mirrors on it.
[Mark Shrimpy:] Yeah, might. Yeah but it's
[Andy:] You know
[Mark Shrimpy:] still hard though innit?... They'll have a scanner
[Andy:] animals....
[Mark Shrimpy:] That was our can of coke wasn't it?......
[Helena:] It's only one can, they're not exactly gonna notice are they?
[Mark Shrimpy:] Yeah...
[Helena:] Your brother nicked three er bottles of lager and brought them round to my house on Saturday....
[Mark Shrimpy:] My dad knew he took them.... And he, you know, he's not gonna know if Andrew goes through there and suddenly disappears and don't come back through that door for
[speaker002:] got a proper keyboard lead.
[Mark Shrimpy:] Cos he, he went through he went out the garage, come back in here, shouted to Jo as loud as he could
[Andy:] Jo I've got them.
[Mark Shrimpy:] He goes Jo got them and laughed as loud as he could, and then blew off down your house. He didn't even come back out through that door, you know my dad wasn't very suspicious or anything!
[Andy:] He didn't give a shit.
[Mark Shrimpy:] He knew....
[Andy:] Yeah but he didn't give a shit.
[Helena:] I only drunk one of the, you
[Mark Shrimpy:] He didn't give a shit cos he knew you
[Helena:] I think there's one still in the fridge actually.
[Joanne:] What happened to the other two? There were two.
[Helena:] Well drunk one
[Joanne:] There was two, what happened to the other one?
[Helena:] My brother drunk it....
[Andy:] You got album? Somewhere. Put on Civil War. I haven't written down Think it's the first one or second one. Yeah but it's in no order... I just, I record. Eh? I du I dunno... w I dunno which tape is which. Oh.... so no way....
[Helena:] Alright? Leave alone. What?
[Andy:] [belch]
[speaker002:] ... ...
[Andy:] Oh yeah... eh has it been up someone's arse?... Ah [LAUGHTER] Put it back and have another one then
[Helena:] They taste better.
[Mark Shrimpy:] Got...
[Andy:] Go on.
[Mark Shrimpy:] Oh great, give me loads.
[Andy:] Are there any oranges there?...
[speaker002:] Mm? No there's one banana....
[Andy:] shouldn't I? Mm.
[Mark Shrimpy:] Yeah that would have been dead funny wouldn't it?
[Andy:] head whack into that.... Yeah literally dead funny.
[Mark Shrimpy:] Dead funny.
[Andy:] You'd have hit I wouldn't urinate. You would.
[Mark Shrimpy:] [LAUGHTER]
[Andy:] Only cos I'm incontinent. [LAUGHTER] It's what? Africa?
[Mark Shrimpy:] not. We are.... Caught on there didn't I? ...
[Andy:] Is it... ah! It's a drip...
[Helena:] I don't believe it!... Mr 's wife is in this....
[Andy:] Have you got the Advertiser, my cousin's in it [LAUGHTER]... And, have you got the Advertiser?... Somewhere. My cousin's in it, he looks really silly....
[Helena:] My
[Andy:] Look. Look at that look at that.
[Helena:] Alright then. [LAUGHTER] No
[Andy:] Is that still on? [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] What? Yeah.
[Andy:] Oh well. Yeah
[Helena:] Yeah
[Andy:] permanent orgy.... [LAUGHTER]
[Mark Shrimpy:] Ha ha ha....
[Andy:] Excellent I think. [LAUGHTER] Mm. That is shit that is.
[Helena:] What?
[Andy:] I know. the music
[Joanne:] Where's fag for two weeks....
[Helena:] Boo hoo.
[Andy:] ...
[Joanne:] What's he in it for?
[Helena:] Mr 's wife that is. so bad.
[Andy:] is that the one?
[Joanne:] Yeah what's he in here for?...
[Andy:] Being ace at something
[Mark Shrimpy:] Your cousin?
[Helena:] Oh at?
[Andy:] Yeah.
[Helena:] I saw that. It's a crap picture....
[Andy:] [LAUGHTER] Ah that's him [] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] Which one?
[Andy:] That one....
[Joanne:] Oh how
[Andy:] Yeah I [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] [reading] []
[Andy:] And have you bought the new one yet? Not yet. Why?...
[Helena:] Ow!
[Mark Shrimpy:] ...
[Joanne:] [shouting] Deputy head []... what a name.
[Mark Shrimpy:] Better than Mr though.
[Joanne:] [reading] We are very pleased with the results indeed [] wow
[Mark Shrimpy:] Our deputy head's called Mr
[Andy:] How did Pete cope with that?
[Joanne:] What?
[Helena:] What?... [scream]...
[Joanne:] What did you say And?
[Helena:] [scream]
[Joanne:] What did Helena say?
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] What did Helena say?
[Helena:] [scream]
[Joanne:] Andy, what did Helena say?... What did he say?
[Andy:] [LAUGHTER]... All I said was...
[Helena:] [screaming] No [LAUGHTER] []
[Mark Shrimpy:] How did Pete cope with that.
[Joanne:] Yeah but
[Andy:] And he [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] yeah what did you, what did she say?
[Andy:] Nothing. She didn't catch on at first.
[Joanne:] Yeah but what was you on about?...
[Mark Shrimpy:] Watch where you're kicking woman....
[speaker002:] Give us a nibble.
[Helena:] That's Emily.
[Mark Shrimpy:] What did you mean, how did Pete cope with that?...
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] What a stupid cow she looks there [].
[Joanne:] Emily who?...
[Mark Shrimpy:] No Helena you're meant to hurt him not give him enjoyment.
[Andy:] What?
[Mark Shrimpy:] Said she's meant to hurt you not give you enjoyment.
[Helena:] What?
[Andy:] ...
[Mark Shrimpy:] [LAUGHTER]
[Andy:] I'm afraid. Look at my hands. Oh excellent. [LAUGHTER]...
[Joanne:] I think Helena deserves all she gets.
[Andy:] [LAUGHTER] Why?... got some excellent CD's here And.
[Joanne:] Cos she's got a big gob.
[Andy:] Oh yeah. Look....
[Joanne:] Andrew.
[Andy:] Yes.
[Joanne:] A coat like yours is in here for sixty quid.... The one you knackered, no thanks to me.
[Helena:] Red Dwarf's on in one minute.
[Joanne:] She deserves all she gets.
[Andy:] Why?
[Joanne:] Well she
[Andy:] What an honour for you. I said I was sorry....
[speaker002:] ...
[Andy:] She [LAUGHTER]... Actually I, I...
[speaker002:] about Pete.
[Helena:] [shouting] Shut up []...
[Joanne:] Not a lot. Just ask about love bites and you'll know it all. [singing] [] Go on Helena.
[Mark Shrimpy:] ignore you.
[Andy:] Oh it's not a tape recorder either.
[Joanne:] So? we've talked about everything on tape so it don't matter.
[Andy:] When? And when did you get that?...
[Joanne:] We, we've talked about
[Andy:] Oh I see And what's that like?... What is it? It's crap. Is it? I bought that and I bought Yeah. and they're both the same thing.
[Joanne:] No And there's no need to worry mate. It was on the first tape.
[Andy:] Oh that's okay then. Oh I'll see you.
[Joanne:] tomorrow. Two twenty five pound Marks and Spencers vou er Marks and Spencers vouchers for doing it.
[Andy:] It's crap innit? Jo,
[Joanne:] Er this is shit yeah, take that.... [shouting] Love bites go all around the body []... [singing] []
[Mark Shrimpy:] Where exactly were these love bites?
[Joanne:] Oh there's Helena's mum, [reading] ring Sheila on 7tel;.
[Mark Shrimpy:] Where exactly were the love bites by the way?
[Andy:] For hot sex.
[Joanne:] Patient patient lady instructor, professional instruction, door to door service, excellent rates
[Mark Shrimpy:] [shouting] Where were they Helena []?
[Joanne:] and very reliable []. Would I tell him, no?
[Mark Shrimpy:] I'll leave my imagination to run wild.
[Joanne:] What?... Now you know what it's like.
[Mark Shrimpy:] Richard... trust your petty brain to think...
[Andy:] it does it automatically because... the Beach Boys, ooh that sounds good. We don't No thank you... ...
[Mark Shrimpy:] [LAUGHTER] He wasn't doing anything on it.
[speaker002:] [belch]
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] It's alright, it knows anyway.
[Mark Shrimpy:] What?...
[Andy:] Got a nose? No Scott's got a nose.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Andy:] What? What? What?
[Mark Shrimpy:] that is... [LAUGHTER] Remember that time in France... when you went on me []? You went ape [LAUGHTER] you went ape poo on me []
[Andy:] You deserved it, you're ugly....
[Mark Shrimpy:] Fact that I was calling him a murderer had nothing to do with it.
[Andy:] Called me a murderer. Kill the bastard.
[Mark Shrimpy:] We didn't.... Smelly.... That thing there
[Helena:] What?
[Mark Shrimpy:] that thing in black
[Andy:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] Look, you've got some as well except
[Mark Shrimpy:] You, you planted them on me didn't you?
[Helena:] Oh you're socks are disgusting.
[Andy:] Ah you caught it then! Ha ha ha... ha ha ha [LAUGHTER] Yeah butterfingers. Ooh! [LAUGHTER] See er... I made it [LAUGHTER] No I didn't, no. Genoa beat Liverpool Liver if Liverpool scored off all their chances and if Genoa... theirs Liverpool would have won about twenty to four. tough shit weren't it? No that's the time they would have won, twenty to four Oh, twenty to four? Yeah. They played for ages Yeah. What happened to the referee, blow the whistle too early? No, no he didn't, he didn't blow it at all no, it's not on till four twenty this morning er three forty this morning that he blew it in, in the end. Jeez. Yeah.... And they're all knackered? They are... yeah. Bet the pitch is a bit messy now. [singing] So long I don't think it was, it ended quite soon [] soon [LAUGHTER] [singing] that's why I'm changing the disc to put in something else that is a bit longer and slightly better [] [singing] Like your willy []
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Like your willy []... Don't think so.
[Andy:] Your willy? instead of open and close. Cos your a dur I'm a dur I'm a dur brain. A dur a dur brain.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] A dur brain []
[Andy:] Dipstick. You're chronic Rich you are. Ah yeah? You are chronic. I'll give you some grief if you say I'm wearing a pair of griff actually. [LAUGHTER] that's, that's That's true. that's, you what? That is.... good one on Rich? I am Which one are you putting on? The Put on.... Not yet Yes! not till I've heard it. You will. Will not. You will. Not. I will slap your end. I will not properly put it on then. You... will....
[Joanne:] Ee... you're obsessed
[Helena:] I used to have a teacher called Mrs.
[Joanne:] Your obsessed.
[Helena:] I did. At nursery school I had a teacher called Mrs.
[Joanne:] Okay, no-one's interested.
[Helena:] But everyone laughed.......
[Andy:] Richard
[speaker002:] Yeah
[Andy:] [LAUGHTER]... How can he have athlete's foot? He's a lazy bastard.
[Mark Shrimpy:] Me lazy?
[Andy:] The second remix on the er on the twelve inch. What? Yeah. We'd have put remix two on it.... Tell you what it's It's crap. No it isn't, it's good. It's crap. It's not. It is.... I've got a brilliant cure for that actually. Just chop your feet off.... Chop his head off.
[Mark Shrimpy:] You wouldn't know about athlete's foot would you Andrew? Considering you've never done anything in your life athletically.
[Andy:] you try it. You try it. What time do you get up? You're hardly ever up before I go to work. If I, if I get up at seven You're lucky you are.
[Mark Shrimpy:] I got up at eight this morning
[Andy:] I got up at seven which is late for me
[Mark Shrimpy:] just go back to bed.
[Helena:] I get up at eight every morning.
[Andy:] Ah you're lucky you are. I have to get up at quarter to nine, how do you think I feel? Shit Rich. If I was you I'd give it up. And I, and I finish at half four.... Eh? Tell you what Rich you fin you finish at half five you do oh yes, but me, I have to wait all the time till half four... minus one hour longer that is.
[Mark Shrimpy:] Yeah you actually have to do longer
[Joanne:] It works out the same but it works out the same yeah but you go twenty five minutes over don't you?
[Mark Shrimpy:] about five minutes early no
[Joanne:] No they fi five to... they break at...
[Mark Shrimpy:] We don't have... we don't have an hour for lunch. We only get half an hour
[Andy:] [LAUGHTER] What you doing?
[Mark Shrimpy:] pleasing myself.
[Andy:] Giving him a different style Oh yeah... that would be funny.
[Mark Shrimpy:] Better than believing in a god.
[Helena:] Mm.
[Joanne:] It depends what you've been brought up with though dunnit?
[Mark Shrimpy:] Yeah but if you think about it, people laugh when you say oh like I believe in fate, bit more easier to believe than believing in somebody up there like... looking at us innit?... I I couldn't believe in that.... Everyone's entitled to their own opinion.
[Andy:] You haven't got any opinions though cos you're a
[Mark Shrimpy:] Shut up....... wouldn't like that would you?
[Andy:] [LAUGHTER] Ugh funny []... You ugly cunt.
[Joanne:] He's always doing that, he's reading or drawing or something and he's laughing to himself....
[Andy:] [LAUGHTER] that's hilarious that is.... No... yeah It's your favourite now.... No What?... Am I right? No... you're not It is... am not I am...
[Mark Shrimpy:] And
[Andy:] Yeah
[Mark Shrimpy:] ... spending three ninety nine in...
[speaker002:] Is that all it costs for a C D then, three ninety nine?
[Andy:] ...
[Helena:] No er in between school and not working?
[Mark Shrimpy:] I'm going to college, and university, and law school.
[Helena:] Well how do you think you're gonna pay for all that?...
[Mark Shrimpy:] Government grant... and my parents are paying for it anyway....
[Helena:] Government, do you know how much grant you'll actually get?
[Mark Shrimpy:] Not much but my mum and dad said they'll pay the rest.
[Andy:] I get all of my grant.
[Mark Shrimpy:] As long as I get good erm GCSE's.
[Andy:] I got two grants The... shut up
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Andy:] The government pays all of my grant, or will be.
[Helena:] Does it?
[Andy:] It will do when I go to... university.
[Helena:] It won't pay all my brother's cos they're cheapskating bummers. [LAUGHTER]
[Andy:] Yeah that's because your family works still isn't it?
[Helena:] Mm.
[Andy:] You don't ha not if you, not if you chop your legs off they don't. Well me dad's eighty two, I mean he's hardly gonna go out to work is he?
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Andy:] He can go on the game.
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Andy:] He does.
[Helena:] He does already.
[Andy:] Goes after poultry does he? Yeah.... Give it here.
[Joanne:] I'm reading it.
[Andy:] Give it here....
[Mark Shrimpy:] in a minute.
[Andy:] [LAUGHTER] Look at that.
[Mark Shrimpy:] I don't want... stop trying to get me in a...
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]... Sorry
[Scott:] I was going to tell you about Margaret
[Sheila:] Oh yeah, Margaret and Snowy, yeah
[Scott:] they went to this Howstead Abbey
[Sheila:] Yeah
[Scott:] because they've got a season ticket and they got to feed the ducks and
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER]
[David:] He's
[Scott:] so they er... to get the stuff, shove it in the boot, lock it up,
[Sheila:] yeah
[Scott:] somebody had robbed them, didn't they? Must of seen them putting it in, they had fifty quid away, she had fifty quid on her
[Sheila:] Yeah
[Scott:] in the handbag
[Sheila:] And she left it in the boot?
[Scott:] Yeah
[Sheila:] Did she?
[Scott:] Well, is that better than carrying a bag, you never know do you?
[Sheila:] No
[Scott:] I mean if you carry a bag somebody will mug you and pinch it off you like
[Sheila:] Yeah
[Scott:] Anyway they had the... her handbag away and so they got all her trust cards and all this business you know
[Sheila:] Yeah... er did they get the police? Did they get the police?
[Scott:] Yeah
[Helena:] Oh
[Scott:] they got the police, but, I mean the police say er... yeah we're, we'll probably know who's done it, which they do don't they?
[Sheila:] Yeah...
[Scott:] But er whether we can prove it
[Sheila:] Mm...
[Scott:] Apparently the, he said they've had one of them up in court twenty seven times and they haven't been able to prove it yet
[Sheila:] [LAUGHTER]...
[Scott:] which they can't, they've got to get somebody who sees them take them haven't they?
[Sheila:] Mm...
[Scott:] He's got a handle bar
[Helena:] What that bloke sitting behind?
[Scott:] Yeah
[Helena:] Looks like Mr oh having a ride in
[Scott:] He just sat there though
[Sheila:] Mm
[Helena:] Oh I wonder what, I wonder what er, what party he's for?
[Sheila:] Sshh
[Helena:] Oh no
[Scott:] Sshh
[Sheila:] sshh
[Scott:] sshh
[Helena:] it's Neil...
[David:] I hope it's not them two walking along the again
[Sheila:] I hope it's not them two walking on the, on the sea front when the, when he falls over.
[David:] No it was
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Sheila:] Sshh, sshh
[David:] Nice brown top...
[Helena:] Why don't they show us all Britain?
[Sheila:] Sshh... that is Britain, it's just in the winter
[Scott:] Sshh
[Helena:] Oh no
[Scott:] Sshh
[Helena:] cor this is a bit ugh [tv on] ah let's all clap for Neil, er, er what's he gonna do go off and have a boxing match?
[Scott:] Sshh
[Sheila:] Sshh
[Scott:] why don't you shut up for a moment
[Helena:] Oh sorry
[Sheila:] cos she's recording and she wants to hear somebody speaking on it [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] just sounds a bit silly if you can only hear the telly...
[David:] They came in today to give us this talk about kind of er, kind of erm, money we're gonna get, whatever today, you know, like they said about the Poll Tax
[Scott:] You want one on, you want one on
[Helena:] Eh?
[David:] said here about the Poll Tax
[Scott:] What it say?
[David:] Well it was with every community charge benefits and everything
[Helena:] Yeah
[David:] said, said that at the moment we're paying... twenty per cent, twenty per cent er Poll Tax... erm... we're on about thirty five pound a week, the full grant, that's how much we get you know if you level it out you know
[Helena:] get the full grant
[David:] Yeah, well, like you know, the full the grant is two thousand whatever
[Helena:] Yeah
[David:] two thousand whatever, not you're saying that parents subsidize that, you know
[Helena:] Yeah
[David:] whatever you, whatever your grant is whether it's eight hundred pounds, parents subsidize that up to the two thousand whatever
[Helena:] Yeah
[David:] erm, up to the grant status, and then everybody should be on two, er thirty er thirty six pound a week out of that's got to come everything you've got, everything you've got to pay for to drink, whatever
[Helena:] Mm...
[David:] and erm... like I said up to about, up to about two years ago you could claim housing benefit with which you could pay your rent, and that was a great help to students you know, but now that's been stopped, but you don't get anything like that, so you've got thirty five pound a week to pay for food, rent, community charge, everything
[Helena:] Yeah
[David:] right, you should of seen the look on everybody's face
[Helena:] Yeah
[David:] like you just, they just went, oh and but I think it's finally, I mean I was in the about how much it's, you know what a struggle it is, yeah
[Helena:] Well you knew, cos we told you
[David:] I knew what it was
[Helena:] what you get
[David:] but everybody thinks that it's gonna be easy
[Helena:] Yeah because they think they're going to get more, don't they? Or they thought they were... and the only people they're going to get any more from is the parents, nowhere else, nobody else is going to give them anything... I've got no illusions about it, I don't expect you to get anything from anywhere else, and I know that you, you wouldn't get anything from anywhere else... because they, they've cut it, they've cut it to the bone and the only people that can afford to go now and to live in... anything like
[David:] A decent
[Helena:] Yeah, is people who have got rich parents.
[David:] It's like Jane her, her mum and dad, her, her dad's rich, they're er is rich is oh er
[Helena:] Lives at Bromsground?
[David:] Yeah
[Helena:] Yeah
[David:] he's oh, oh and Claire said to me oh well Labour if Labour get in we'll get, we'll get a, you know, we'll be much better off, we'll get a much better grant, er Jane goes but oh we'll get, we'll get every erm, my mum and dad will get loads of other things er dad, I won't be able to pay for it, I goes well no because you probably get, you get the housing benefit back
[Scott:] You won't get better grants, you won't though, cos it won't have time to work through
[Helena:] No it might, it might
[David:] But you will do
[Helena:] be the year after
[David:] Yeah
[Scott:] Yeah, well for the last year
[David:] but I think
[Helena:] I think, I think actually, I think they will try to do something actually because if they, if they do away with the loans thing
[Scott:] Yeah
[Helena:] they'll have to try do something won't they?
[Scott:] I know the way, I know, but
[Helena:] To be honest
[Scott:] you don't, it's not going to be you just because you vote for Labour
[Helena:] oh no, no it's not no
[David:] No I mean of course not
[Scott:] and then they can't say alright, oh students give them hundred pound a week, he give them none, give them none
[Helena:] no, they can't do that because of the state of the economy
[Scott:] and then if
[David:] I know that, but
[Scott:] You've got to be realistic like ain't you?
[David:] but surely, but surely... I mean surely they'll be able to restore the housing benefit
[Helena:] Well hopefully they'll be able to do something
[David:] Well it says in that, in that thing I've got they're gonna restore a fair system of grants
[Helena:] Yeah
[David:] of grants, that's, that's the thing I looked at, it didn't say a fair grant
[Helena:] No
[David:] it said grants
[Sheila:] Yeah
[David:] so... I mean even if they don't bring in, oh the housing benefit
[Helena:] But I mean
[David:] they'll bring in something a housing grant
[Helena:] you know, I mean, on
[Scott:] to, to my, to my mind, when
[Helena:] on April the tenth they're not going to be able to go
[Sheila:] No when they hear it all day
[Helena:] oh, you know, that's, that's it because for thirteen years they have dismantled the social system, that's what they've done in thirteen years, so they can't say overnight, we'll put it all back because there isn't, there, there isn't the finance there because they've spent it all to have done what they've done
[Sheila:] Yeah
[Helena:] because they've sold everything off like gas and electricity and everything and all the resources they've got for it they've spent, to supplement everything else, so the money won't be there, and, and the income from the electricity and that isn't going to the Government it's going to private enterprise
[David:] Yeah
[Helena:] so, so it's not gonna be there, and unfortunately it's going to take a while, because we're in such a deep recession and recession is bad, and it's not getting any better
[David:] Yeah it won't any more
[Scott:] What
[Helena:] It, it'll take a long time before it starts to buck up.
[Scott:] Why, why do they say, that for the election it will take them three or four years to put, whatever they promise into operation?
[Helena:] Yeah, to put it right, to start to put it right
[David:] Well they're they're education promises are, we'll do this within two years, we'll do this within
[Scott:] Yeah
[David:] three years
[Helena:] yeah well I mean they'll want to and they've got
[Scott:] within three years you're leaving
[Helena:] Yeah, but they've got
[Sheila:] They've got to help people like me but I don't know
[Helena:] they've got to try and show
[Scott:] what, you shouldn't think
[Helena:] that they are doing something
[David:] You should just you this is what I'm trying to tell
[Scott:] you shouldn't think what's it going to do to me
[David:] this is what I'm trying to tell everybody at school, you shouldn't be thinking oh, how's it gonna effect me, what I'll do if
[Scott:] No
[Helena:] No because you should help, think of a society as whole
[David:] because, that, this is, the, I said to this kid the other day, he goes oh, like Ian was arguing with them when I went in
[Scott:] Yeah
[David:] and he was going oh all what the Tories haven't done for you, and he goes and what are Labour gonna do for us? I goes well they'll improve the grant to start off with, he goes well it won't be in time to benefit us, I goes well you shouldn't just be thinking about yourself
[Helena:] No
[Scott:] No that's the trouble with people
[Helena:] Yeah
[David:] They're just, they're just bothered about, about themselves
[Sheila:] Everyone, everyone thinks of themselves, it's like on their, all them people who are under that certain amount, they're all gonna be going oh well in here
[Scott:] Yeah
[Sheila:] we'll vote for them, then
[Scott:] Yeah
[Sheila:] and people do that don't they?
[David:] Well it's like, it's like Richard today, he goes well what, well what are Labour gonna do for us? So I goes well, they'll probably, they'll probably erm... er give better grants and restore erm, er housing benefit of sorts, whatever happens
[Helena:] Well is he going to university?
[David:] Yeah
[Helena:] What doing?
[David:] Dunno [LAUGHTER] or something, and, he goes
[Helena:] But the only, I think the only course he'll pass is mucking about course, let's see who can muck about for the next three years the most.
[Sheila:] I can't understand it, they've got to have a decent grade to go to university, but they seem to think that they can get in on D's and E's, if he gets D's and E's, he's not going anywhere, except to work
[David:] No, I, I wouldn't I wouldn't expect it, I reckon
[Sheila:] because I mean, because
[Scott:] come on
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Sheila:] He ain't, because to me you, you not got, you're wasting your time
[Helena:] Stupid innit? If you haven't got, if you haven't got enough discipline to get a good grade in your O levels
[Sheila:] in school then you're not
[Helena:] then you no way gonna have enough discipline to get any sort of grade at university
[Sheila:] because you live in
[Scott:] That's for the testing innit?
[Sheila:] Yeah, because, I mean you're living at home when your doing A levels, you, you haven't even got
[Helena:] And you got
[Sheila:] the discipline of your parents to say get up there and do something have you?
[Scott:] No
[David:] But some people don't, Adeleine got that, his parents don't tell him to get on with it, half, half the people at school they got that...
[Sheila:] Well if I didn't, I mean I don't think, you do enough either of you do enough, but in, you know I mean
[Helena:] Do you know what I was talking to Nicola
[Sheila:] I don't care what other people do I'm saying I don't think you
[David:] So, so what kind
[Sheila:] do enough either of you
[David:] so what kind of time have I got at the moment?
[Scott:] No, you ain't got
[Sheila:] Well I know you're doing that, but you still got
[David:] Yeah, but
[Sheila:] to find time to do your work because your exams are still going to be on the same day aren't they?
[David:] I know, I'm doing my work at school, I've, but
[Scott:] I know you ain't got a lot of time now, it's, I mean they, when, it's important to, that's just important to do what you're doing now actually, because there's, yeah
[Sheila:] Well yes I know it is, but the exams are still on the same day
[Scott:] breaks
[Sheila:] so you've got to find time to do the
[Scott:] How?
[Sheila:] certain amount
[David:] Well look at it this way it'll all be over by Saturday anyway
[Scott:] There all be education is like today
[Sheila:] Well no I know it is im, I know it's just, it's important to involve yourself and
[Scott:] Yeah
[Sheila:] but David has decided to involve himself now, in the last year of it, the last time of his year
[Scott:] yeah, but can [LAUGHTER]
[Sheila:] he could of done that in his fourth year and his third year
[Scott:] No he, no he can't cos
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[David:] No, I won't, I want to do it
[Helena:] I, I
[Scott:] yeah
[Helena:] I didn't get involve with it, I mean I got involved in it and I did it
[Scott:] [LAUGHTER]
[David:] I wasn't actually
[Helena:] If there's one, if there's one next year I will, depending on what it is of course
[Scott:] I did I
[Sheila:] Mm
[Helena:] but I wouldn't, I wouldn't mind next year, but it's just too much hassle just at the moment, and if you look hardly anyone out of our year's in it are they?
[David:] No.
[Helena:] But David's decided to get involved in this in his sixth year coming up to his A levels
[David:] Look it's four days
[Scott:] and he's had his hair cut ah, ah
[Helena:] Yeah, he had to borrow the money off me to do that
[David:] It'll only, it'll be over on, over on Saturday, I'll have, once I've seen Pauline, I'm gonna, I'm gonna get, get in touch with her on Saturday... then I'll get my geography project done, I can't do anything until I've got this, bloody project out the way, can I? That's what Crawley said to me wasn't it dad?
[Scott:] What?
[David:] Get the geography project out the way first
[Scott:] Yeah
[David:] wasn't it?
[Scott:] Yeah
[David:] Yeah...
[Scott:] have you done it?
[Sheila:] He's got this thing to do with his computer when he can get hold of it to get the computer
[David:] But I've done, I've done a lot though haven't I?
[Sheila:] Yes you have been doing, you have been working on it yes, yes
[Scott:] Up to
[Sheila:] up to this last week when you've been doing
[Scott:] Yeah
[Sheila:] them, yeah
[David:] But... what can I do, I can't be two places at once
[Sheila:] Oh no, no
[Scott:] If says you've got to do that, you've got to do that
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER]
[David:] nothing, Miss
[Scott:] No it's right, now, now what
[David:] Miss doesn't do actually mate, eh? Miss asked, asked me and Claire and Lisa all at the same time
[Scott:] Yeah
[David:] to do it, and
[Scott:] yes
[Sheila:] What about Jane, is it Jane?
[David:] Yeah
[Sheila:] who lives out at Tidybig?
[David:] No Lisa, Lisa lives out at Tidybig
[Sheila:] What's that girl who comes in the Datsun?
[David:] Lisa
[Sheila:] Lisa, what about her parents, are they well off?...
[David:] Well
[Scott:] The man from down er he was in the club tonight
[Sheila:] he was in the club, yeah
[Helena:] Who?
[Scott:] The trouble maker
[Sheila:] The computer man's husband [LAUGHTER] er son No the computer, in the corner
[Helena:] , er
[Sheila:] Yeah, he was in the club tonight
[Helena:] Mr or young
[Sheila:] They're doing well...
[Helena:] is it, ah, they used to be su, according to everyone he was such a so and so, he er, he's, he used to be barmy, he was like the clo, close barmy man and he used to like chase people around with bricks and stuff [LAUGHTER] and everyone used to hate him and like Julian and Andy used to beat him up all the time [LAUGHTER]
[Sheila:] How old is he?
[Helena:] Dunno, seventeen, eighteen
[Sheila:] Mm...
[David:] I erm
[Sheila:] he was in there with this other lad Jane, no not Jane, Lisa
[David:] What the but they've got erm, I erm, a massive mortgage on it
[Sheila:] Mm
[David:] like a really big mortgage, but
[Sheila:] I wonder if they, is she going to university, or hoping to?
[David:] Yeah
[Helena:] Is that, is that the... larger one?
[David:] That's Nicola
[Sheila:] That's Nicola isn't it?
[Scott:] Somebody wants threaten the staff in the Abbey National
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] It was you
[Sheila:] It was your dad with the wig on
[Scott:] [LAUGHTER]
[David:] I recognise you mate
[Sheila:] a wig without glasses, yeah
[Scott:] How bloody useless
[Sheila:] They threaten them to
[David:] I bet they asked them to fill in a form for it
[Sheila:] [LAUGHTER]
[David:] Excuse me
[Helena:] Sorry
[David:] can you just fill in a form?
[Sheila:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] dad, dad we're not giving up just at the moment
[Sheila:] I'm sorry but we can't do it
[Scott:] What do you mean? You this is a French private building society
[Helena:] We're not giving out mortgages at the moment [LAUGHTER]
[Sheila:] I'm sorry we're not giving money away today
[David:] Yeah, but if you would just like to fill in a form, we will be with you as soon as possible
[Helena:] In the next three years [LAUGHTER]...
[Sheila:] Oh this is Rilate
[Helena:] Is this, is this us?
[Sheila:] Yeah
[Helena:] I'll switch it off a second then
[Sheila:] Didn't see anything
[Helena:] and when you use yeah, when you speak it flickers
[David:] Oh right, so it's like the erm
[Sheila:] Is it recording now?
[Helena:] Yeah...
[David:] So anyone can get
[Helena:] well if everyone goes
[Scott:] Sshh...
[David:] yeah
[Helena:] You go [clapping hands] there... God he only looks about five... Mark, don't he look like Mark though?
[Sheila:] No
[Helena:] He does
[Sheila:] No he doesn't
[Helena:] I reckon it was Mark
[speaker002:] ...
[Sheila:] Well you would if you thought it was peculiar wouldn't you? I think... Oh that was the erm, yeah...
[Helena:] Yeah about the train spotting and all that they said didn't they?
[Sheila:] Yeah...
[Helena:] We knew it was didn't we mum?
[Sheila:] Mm...
[Helena:] Cor look at all this lot they've got
[David:] Oh, I've pinched it all
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] you nicked that... how do you possibly get that out of somebody's house?
[David:] Well it's like those lads that time who tried to nick a snooker table, they got it, they got it about a hundred yards
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[David:] so they just left it in the middle of the road...
[Sheila:] See those paintings at the back, I reckon we should of had one of them
[Helena:] Why don't you phone in and pretend it's yours? [LAUGHTER]
[Sheila:] No, we'll, we'll take that one in off the wall, right
[Helena:] A nice little table, you'd think somebody would recognise that wouldn't you?
[Sheila:] Yeah
[Helena:] Or that chair at the back
[Sheila:] Look, I'll tell you what, we'll, we'll hide that one and we'll pretend that, that's
[David:] Jane was yesterday
[Helena:] Jane, what, er at
[David:] yeah, she, erm they got into the kitchen, but
[Helena:] mm
[speaker002:] ...
[Helena:] see, you'd think someone would recognise that wouldn't you?
[Sheila:] Mm...
[Helena:] Ah...
[Sheila:] when they were painted weren't it?
[Helena:] Oh
[Sheila:] Oh I thought it was nice
[Helena:] yeah...
[Sheila:] that's nice isn't it?... Mm...
[speaker002:] ...
[Sheila:] Mm... I don't like that...
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Sheila:] Look at all those paintings out, have one of them
[Helena:] They're easy to steal though aren't they paintings?
[Sheila:] Yeah
[Helena:] What
[David:] Remember that fellow at work who walked into that gallery and just put it under his coat?
[Sheila:] Yeah
[Helena:] Yeah and walked out with it
[David:] [LAUGHTER] He tried to flog it on the bus
[Scott:] Is that
[Sheila:] yes please
[Helena:] Please
[David:] Yes please...
[Helena:] oh it's got hearts on
[Sheila:] three
[Helena:] Two... Right, let's go round photographing all the chairs...
[David:] You haven't got anything of real sentimental value anyway have you?
[Sheila:] Why do you mean?
[David:] Well nothing that you
[Scott:] What about me?
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[David:] no, no you know, that you're absolutely
[Sheila:] Well no, but I wouldn't want to be able to replace these at the prices that these cost us, unless...
[Helena:] I'm gonna sell it all when you die, get loads of money and then buy some stools to sit on, what
[speaker002:] ...
[Helena:] Ooh dear, oh blimey... you don't, you don't realise all this, the time's going on of these organise crimes, you never hear about them...
[David:] No you never hear about any of them, do you?...
[Helena:] What?
[David:] You know all the murders that go on, and everything
[Helena:] No you don't hear about any murders do you?... [LAUGHTER] Someone's trying to get into the toilet with dad [LAUGHTER]...
[David:] Mummy, mum
[Sheila:] What? Go on then
[Scott:] Who's come in?
[speaker002:] ...
[Sheila:] Good lord...
[Helena:] I bet that's, this is when they started to get, get in...
[David:] Oh yeah
[Sheila:] Ta, thank you
[Helena:] Oh ace [LAUGHTER] mum
[David:] Mum
[Helena:] your glasses
[David:] they've steamed up
[speaker002:] ...
[Helena:] oh dear oh dear, I'd hate to have a broken jaw... Now what you gonna do? I'll be running the other way... you'd think there'd be loads of people going to pubs and stuff wouldn't you?... I don't know how all these people notice these things, I never notice anything like that
[Sheila:] You don't keep your eyes open do you?
[Helena:] Do you?
[Sheila:] Mm
[Helena:] Do you notice things like that?, oh...
[Sheila:] actually if it was down to the
[Helena:] What did you say? Oh don't it's only been on for about er, the last half an hour... it's not it's a cross a crucifix is got bigger on it.
[Sheila:] I wondered when you'd say that Helena, with your little bit of wisdom
[Helena:] Well it's not my fault is it he's illiterate
[David:] What a know all
[Helena:] I'm not a know all
[Sheila:] Sshh
[David:] What
[Scott:] Yes you are, you're a know all
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[David:] Helena is a know all
[Helena:] Shut up
[David:] it's the only way anyway
[Helena:] Tim the airman, Tim the airman, er, er, er, er
[David:] You on the tape
[Helena:] Yeah, oh funny with that
[Sheila:] I think you'd better tape erm, put that on and tape it
[David:] No...
[Sheila:] [LAUGHTER] a police officer, what's he been doing for the last
[Helena:] Well he might not he might not
[Sheila:] two months
[Helena:] work for them any more
[Scott:] You recognise them don't you?
[Sheila:] Mm, I suppose
[Helena:] He might work for somebody else, or not working weekends
[Scott:] Just send it to the prison and they say yeah, you know send their photographs and everything and people
[Sheila:] Yeah
[Scott:] look at that and they'll say that's, that's that
[Sheila:] So and so and all that, yeah
[Scott:] You know... six months, can you remember it, that
[Sheila:] yeah
[Scott:] It's just that, that's overcome as won't it, just might, might
[Sheila:] Yes just that slight thing, yeah, yeah...
[Scott:] and that fills in with five other things
[Sheila:] Yeah
[Scott:] it makes it up like...
[David:] Right, I'm off to bed
[Sheila:] 'Night
[David:] Goodnight
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Oh he's so childish
[Sheila:] sleepy tight
[Scott:] Don't let the beddy buggies bity
[Sheila:] Don't let the beddy buggies bite you...
[Helena:] Personally I think you're flipping barmy
[Sheila:] Perhaps we are...
[Helena:] Oh does my voice sound funny on there though, oh
[Sheila:] er...
[Helena:] What?
[Scott:] Just
[Sheila:] Ah I bet they do though if it's the same people that's operating, they're going round murdering people
[Helena:] Serial killers in Lincoln
[Scott:] Well... [singing] my only sunshine []...
[Helena:] ...
[Scott:] Oh I
[Helena:] Ruby Wax pain in the backside
[Sheila:] I can't Ruby Wax
[Scott:] Oh I like her...
[Helena:] I'm off to bed
[Mark Shrimpy:] What's my jealousy?
[Helena:] Jealous you greedy pig
[Mark Shrimpy:] I am [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] I've just become somebody dumb
[Mark Shrimpy:] No you haven't
[Helena:] What are you holding it for?
[Mark Shrimpy:] because against me
[Susan:] Why don't you put it in your pocket?
[Helena:] Cos it won't make any noise then
[Susan:] Pick it up, stick it on your pocket
[Helena:] No
[Mark Shrimpy:] like so, see
[Helena:] Oh how special does that look?
[Susan:] On your tie
[Helena:] No, I'm not sticking it on my tie
[Mark Shrimpy:] Can't we have a big conversation, please, juice and, oh
[Helena:] and there's third years there, no, I'm not, no, I refuse...
[Mark Shrimpy:] You refuse, oh I want it
[Helena:] I've got to go down to graphics
[Mark Shrimpy:] Let's go
[Helena:] you did promise
[Mark Shrimpy:] I did promise yeah
[Helena:] Anyway I've got a question, I'm asking about the, the availability of a green spray can Hiya Ally ah you take the piss so bad
[Susan:] Mm, nice bum
[Helena:] What
[Susan:] I think I'm going to elope
[Helena:] How's that for excitement, I can see, I can tell don't be silly
[Susan:] squeeze his brief line [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] Ah
[speaker002:] Hi
[Mark Shrimpy:] I'll hold it for you.
[Susan:] Sure I'll be able to come down, I'm not gonna get told off or anything like
[Helena:] Course you're not, I'll just say
[Mark Shrimpy:] Oh who with Claire? nobody
[Helena:] Nobody
[Mark Shrimpy:] see
[Helena:] so, I do, you're not going to get killed, I just say Mr you threatening Mike and he'll go no Helen because I'm incredible scared of you and I'll go I know you are
[Susan:] I bet he doesn't, is Edward doing Adidas?
[Helena:] No only me she's designing er swimming costumes
[Susan:] Oh is she?
[Mark Shrimpy:] Let me see yours
[Helena:] er what, what, what
[Mark Shrimpy:] Have you still not done anything?
[Helena:] Well I've done my introduction
[Mark Shrimpy:] That's it that's all she's done
[Helena:] and analysis and that's it
[Mark Shrimpy:] Well done Helena there's loads there isn't there just so much
[Susan:] Where's that that bit you did on erm
[Helena:] That one little, oh, how special
[Susan:] they're not even
[Helena:] They're not supposed to be
[Susan:] Oh good
[Helena:] they're suppose to be like that, that's my best bit that [LAUGHTER] I'm doing well
[Mark Shrimpy:] Helena
[Helena:] Yeah
[Mark Shrimpy:] do you think we're gonna do some work today?
[Helena:] I suppose, I better do not at all
[Mark Shrimpy:] Oh sorry I slipped
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Oh, oh
[Mark Shrimpy:] What was Christian, was Christian a great help was he?
[Helena:] He was I liked the bit when you were going I don't know what to do
[Mark Shrimpy:] I haven't got a clue what to do
[Susan:] do what we do, just walk away
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Go whoopsy-daisy, bye then right I'm going down to graphics well so I like school work... course we're not gonna get done, got Mr under my thumb
[Susan:] Where we doing it?
[Helena:] Pardon, graphics room, what other room?... [sigh]...
[speaker002:] lock the door to let themselves in, so obviously we don't want anybody in here.
[Helena:] OK
[speaker002:] Alright?...
[Helena:] Oh what a shame I won't be able to do my homework, watch me weep... what it's glue and stuff, that's all
[Mark Shrimpy:] It's all the grease and metal and, ooh grime
[Helena:] Oh no what a shame I won't be able to do any work, oh boo hoo [LAUGHTER] I am so upset about that
[Susan:] Now what you gonna do then, what you gonna do, have you got one more lesson?
[Helena:] I've got one more lesson this afternoon
[Susan:] Yeah, but you ain't gonna do loads in one lesson are you?
[Helena:] Yeah, I'll be able to finish my one design
[Susan:] Ooh one design
[Helena:] that, that one with the lines on, I've got to spray that green
[Susan:] Why? I thought you were supposed to be designing a
[Helena:] I am, that's the design to go on it... I'm gonna have to go and put it back now
[Susan:] Is it locked, no they go out to the pub on a Friday
[Helena:] Oh do they?
[Susan:] Yeah
[Helena:] Well dear me what a shame
[Susan:] I don't know
[Helena:] teachers eh, who'd have them?
[Susan:] I can't answer that
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Susan:] so er, what's this design then?
[Helena:] That's what I'm doing, except that it's not gonna look like that any more...
[Mark Shrimpy:] I like the arms on the t-shirts
[Helena:] Well of course it's filling, just a quick sketch isn't it?
[Mark Shrimpy:] Yes
[Helena:] I mean you know I can't draw
[Mark Shrimpy:] Wonderful, what does that say? What's it supposed to say?
[Helena:] Wimbledon...
[Mark Shrimpy:] Oh that's brill, I must admit that's really good, OK
[Helena:] No it isn't it's rubbish
[Mark Shrimpy:] Don't let me mock you, it's really good
[Helena:] It's pathetic and you know it
[Mark Shrimpy:] No, no, no I didn't say can I just have a quick look at your worse
[Susan:] Where'd you stick this?
[Helena:] Stick it in my, your losing my bits of paper, all my importantly file bits of Oh wow! What a hairstyle [LAUGHTER]
[Mark Shrimpy:] I know it's cool isn't it?
[Helena:] I've got to go and do some work Have you, why? Why? only a folder A folder, oh Yeah no it isn't, he, he said that's rubbish... oh did you hear about oh yes you were there when we put hair In her shoes [LAUGHTER] and she put them on? Yeah And she, she had a right go at me yesterday, right, er, this afternoon she goes, oh I took it out before I put me shoe, me foot in it, killjoy [LAUGHTER] She probably didn't
[Mark Shrimpy:] What's a matter with that, I think it's good
[Helena:] I know
[Mark Shrimpy:] except for the knees
[Helena:] What?
[Mark Shrimpy:] The knees are a bit erm
[Helena:] I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm not a bubbling Picasso
[Mark Shrimpy:] It's erm, yes, actually the skirt's not, oh well it's your drawing, I like the, you've got the shoulders and the head right, I can never do that, I could never get the portions right
[Helena:] [singing] give me just a little more time []
[Mark Shrimpy:] that's only what I've written in my analysis and that
[Helena:] You haven't done nothing yet, so how can you analyze it?
[Mark Shrimpy:] Oh
[Helena:] Is it analy analyzing it?
[Mark Shrimpy:] Mm, where do I stick this now Helena?
[Helena:] Put it back in my folder.
[speaker002:] Did you have a nice game of football?
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker002:] Did you have a nice game of football did you?
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[speaker002:] Can we join you, can we? We're real demons with the goal we are
[Helena:] Excuse me, I am
[speaker002:] no cos I'm not into volleys are we, we'll tackle them breaking their legs and kicking them in their bollo I mean balls, in the, in the, in the
[Helena:] Testicle area
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER] Let's go and sit down in the thing
[Helena:] Are we? Ah, I don't think I could, you know where you going? no, come on oh no, it's nice and quiet, oh hello... sorry but we're not taping this conversation or anything.
[Mark Shrimpy:] It's come off actually Helena
[Helena:] Who's is it? Is it? Oh it's mine, it's mine
[Mark Shrimpy:] It's not hers really, let's have a look...
[Helena:] Ah Isn't it wonderful
[Mark Shrimpy:] you should hide it a bit more than that
[Helena:] Well you can't really, but no one notices, but I'm not doing it on purpose, it's for a survey, I get twenty five pounds for, mm, watch me weep
[Mark Shrimpy:] Mm, and what do you do on the survey?
[Helena:] Just record my conversations to everyone Why? I'm doing a survey Who? This er dictionary company
[Mark Shrimpy:] I don't believe you
[Helena:] A dictionary company? You don't buy a dictionary company Where do you think it's coming from
[Mark Shrimpy:] Are they gonna, are they gonna hear this now? No they're not
[Helena:] They are I thought it was they are honestly aren't they?
[Mark Shrimpy:] Oh erm, where did you
[Helena:] I am doing this honestly
[Mark Shrimpy:] where did you see this then in a magazine or something?
[Helena:] No, my, they came round to my house [LAUGHTER] honestly I swear it on my mother's grave it's not it's my Walkman, they gave me a Walkman, they gave me twenty tapes, I'm not joking
[speaker002:] Let me have a look at this Walkman
[Helena:] I don't believe you had Smell of garlic? Might be my on me sandwiches
[Mark Shrimpy:] No it's not
[Helena:] I've just had a Polo... all they're looking at is like what kind of accents you talk in
[Joanne:] Oh god they've got a great big problem with Helena then
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] and what kind of
[Joanne:] Oh no
[Helena:] and what kind of words like different people use
[Andy:] At the end of the tape you only get, I think you really needed [LAUGHTER]
[Mark Shrimpy:] Did she send for you?
[Helena:] No she said see you, bye
[Mark Shrimpy:] Bye
[Joanne:] It's not on again is it?
[Helena:] Yeah... smell of garlic it might be my cheese and onion sandwiches
[Joanne:] No it's not cheese and garlic
[Helena:] I've just had a Polo, do you want one?
[Joanne:] No thanks
[Helena:] [cough] [cough]
[Joanne:] Stop putting it on Helena
[Helena:] [cough] no I'm not
[Joanne:] I told you, you never get into drama school
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] We are now in the changing rooms, it's really boring [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] there's lots of smelly stuff like
[Helena:] Iona's bag
[Joanne:] [whispering] a pair of knickers []
[Helena:] They're not knickers it's a flipping
[Joanne:] Cami
[Helena:] camisole, Iona's knickers, oh yeah she's gonna leave her knickers on the floor isn't she?
[Joanne:] Shall I put some wet in that?...
[Helena:] about about this bra top thing she's got and how it's got a hole in it and she was trying to think back how it got this hole in it and she remembered that Mark put his fingers through it [LAUGHTER]
[Joanne:] Andy
[Helena:] No it was Mark, I can remember it happening when she what
[Joanne:] she can't force him
[Helena:] I went out with him he does, he looks just like him. Emma went out with him for about two months
[Joanne:] Did she?
[Helena:] no
[Joanne:] Did I see him when we went to the fair, I see at the and with those boys...
[Helena:] Blonde one
[Joanne:] I don't know to tell you the truth
[Helena:] Was Mark there? Was Mark there? I think so, I think he was there yes he was, yeah he was he was the tall blonde one
[Andy:] no they haven't, I'm just gonna, I don't care, any more what?
[Joanne:] Who's it from?
[Andy:] Erm I'm sweating like anything
[Mark Shrimpy:] especially if it's tighter
[Andy:] Oh
[Mark Shrimpy:] She better not pull it anyway, I, I, I was I asked three teachers where she was and they said she wasn't in and they didn't know where she was
[Andy:] went to staff room and nobody knew he was
[Mark Shrimpy:] She went to the staff room, they said she wasn't in the staff room, but then she left
[Joanne:] Mrs anywhere she went, who's Mrs
[speaker002:] Yeah
[Mark Shrimpy:] I've got two English teachers today you're not fat
[Joanne:] I am
[Mark Shrimpy:] You're not
[Helena:] Oh I know it's huge
[Joanne:] I am, it's grotesque isn't it?
[Helena:] Mm
[Joanne:] I'm obese
[Mark Shrimpy:] Do you want to know why I'm wearing two pairs of knickers because
[Helena:] she wets herself
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] She won't tell us the truth, but I know it, she wets herself, she doesn't want it to show on the chairs in school incontinent [LAUGHTER] I think that's so Oh no, our dog needs one of them my dog's incontinent
[Mark Shrimpy:] I can't think straight, I really can't
[Helena:] Oh yeah, huge you know, is it you walk in and there's a few you know the pub yeah, you, right by Next, the bottom entrance to Next, there's a sports shop there Oh I know it I searched for Christmas and I wanted it
[Mark Shrimpy:] you got it?
[Helena:] Anybody else? hello
[Andy:] What's that, is that a microphone?
[Helena:] Yeah
[Andy:] Why?
[Helena:] Taping everybody's conversation eh, oh, they've just all fallen to pieces, here you can have the rest
[Andy:] Compilation what?
[Mark Shrimpy:] Ah gee
[Helena:] Compilation
[Mark Shrimpy:] I've got about two here
[Helena:] I'm taping it now
[Andy:] Shit
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] I am
[Joanne:] Why are you?
[Helena:] A survey thing
[Andy:] Are you being serious?
[Helena:] Yeah
[Mark Shrimpy:] no she's not
[Helena:] you can't show this because I didn't put a bra on
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] she's got a microphone on her blazer
[Mark Shrimpy:] She has
[Helena:] I have, yes it is
[Andy:] Testing, testing three, four, five I can't count rewind it, let's have a listen
[Helena:] I ain't got the headphones
[Andy:] I don't believe you
[Helena:] It is
[Joanne:] let's have a look
[Helena:] OK this conversation was between Alison Nina, Helena, Caroline and somebody who is unknown, OK
[speaker002:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] What you gonna do? Ask her for it... [LAUGHTER] I am, she's alright, she's
[speaker002:] In very small doses
[Helena:] Yeah, she's always been alright with me, you know, so I can't say about anybody else, I mean she's already, she's always been really nice to me, but... like them people she goes around, well she used to go around with Lisa and Vicky and all that lot and when she used to go around with them she used to be bitching them off behind their back and going oh you're my best friend, to their faces. It's like me and you really, huh, I know I bitch by you I'm saying how much I hate you, just all the time. I suppose it's a bit like me and Joanne really I mean I'm bit er nasty to her behind her back really, only to her
[speaker002:] Yeah
[Helena:] not anybody else about her she's alright actually, sometimes she just aggravates me though
[speaker002:] mind you I don't know her though
[Helena:] No I mean she's a, she's a nice enough person but she just gets in a strop so easily, you, you know
[speaker002:] Maybe she needs to grow up a bit more
[Helena:] Yeah probably... I think she'll always be like it though, cos her mum's just the same, she's just like her mum, you know... her mum got in a strop every day because she couldn't go round, down the club and have a fag, her mum's given up smoking, so Joanne's really worried now [LAUGHTER] oh... silly old Jo mm I know someone who had that done and then later on they had their voice box taken out, cos he had cancer of the throat, ooh, oh they cut them out why?
[speaker002:] Because they can't speak
[Helena:] Yeah, he couldn't speak after that no I if I were you, that is just
[speaker002:] use them as leggings, leggings with a hole in, that's a good idea
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] oh no way, that is
[speaker002:] Are all the girls outside? Aha Yeah they've all gone to yeah see you don't tight, you'll rip them. Honestly I went like that on a pair are so thick that it
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] Oh god, having problems putting a pair of tights on
[speaker002:] Are they a nice colour? What colour are those?
[Helena:] Nearly black
[speaker002:] Erm nearly black Who'd wear
[Helena:] God knows, my mum [LAUGHTER]...
[speaker002:] no they're not
[Helena:] Oh that's nice [LAUGHTER]
[speaker002:] they look alright on me...
[Helena:] you wouldn't have to worry about, you wouldn't have to worry about trousers or skirts or legs
[speaker002:] You'll probably wear or something stupid like that they look nice
[Helena:] [sigh] heck, oh my knees face each other, it's sick [LAUGHTER]
[speaker002:] So do mine
[Helena:] no it isn't, we to it anyway
[speaker002:] Spread out just look at that, got bow legs, isn't it awful?
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] You've been playing too much football
[speaker002:] I have not
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] you're born with rickets... mine are too thin at the ankle, looks sick oh yeah, yes you have
[speaker002:] don't bow
[Helena:] Yeah but they're fat, they're horrible, they are, they're all purple at the ankle, not like she's got thin mm
[speaker002:] and a tidy pull oh I'll have just a quick go of it
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] did he, you don't pull them if you've got a, a hole in already because that's death cos you see like that not like, like with that one there you see I've just cured that one look, that one with Mm, can't, I dunno What? we'd better go
[speaker002:] Mind me shoe
[Helena:] Don't be so nasty
[speaker002:] I'm sorry Am I gonna get any backup here?
[Sheila:] What else do you want? Do you want a fishburger or do you want an egg?
[Helena:] Er... oh decisions, a fishburger please.
[Sheila:] A fishburger, righty
[Helena:] Oh Jo... can have a bit of a party, bit of a rave... [singing] died and he got to heaven []... Yeah... Erin, Erin and Brian stuck up again today
[Sheila:] Oh did they?
[Helena:] it was really funny
[Sheila:] Mine's not very strong
[Helena:] he called her childish
[Sheila:] Mm
[Helena:] so she had a bit of a benny... [LAUGHTER] it was
[Sheila:] Where does
[Helena:] dead funny
[Sheila:] where does Brian hail from?
[Helena:] Brian?
[Sheila:] Yeah
[Helena:] Dunno... round here I think
[Sheila:] Does he?
[Helena:] not Greenlands, maybe Woodrow South... so he probably wouldn't get on too well with someone from
[Sheila:] Oh I'm sure that not everybody's...
[Helena:] Well she comes out with such a load of claptrap, she don't know what she's talking about most of the time... ah, are you and dad gonna buy a box each?... Are you gonna buy a box and I'll get rid of the other two to Joanne and Emma?
[Sheila:] No I'll buy a box...
[Helena:] Cos I might be able to cart them off to Joanne and Emma to give them to their mum's on Mother's Day
[Sheila:] Mm, well you can buy me a box for Mother's Day, that's a good idea innit?
[Helena:] We never buy you anything on Mother's Day, you get a card and be happy with it
[Sheila:] Er, well I've decided I want something this year
[Helena:] Oh, I want two presents a year for birthday, christmas and children's day
[Sheila:] There isn't one
[Helena:] I've just invented one
[Sheila:] Now, well you can't have one, you can't have a children's day cos you don't do anything
[Helena:] Yes we do, we give you all the love and support you need.
[Sheila:] Ha.
[Helena:] I was talking about you today in English
[Sheila:] Oh goodness
[Helena:] Well they were talking about the eleven plus you see
[Sheila:] Oh
[Helena:] and they said whose parents took it? So I went [LAUGHTER] and he er, and she goes er, and did they both pass? She was expecting me to say yes, I goes no my mum failed
[Sheila:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] and er, and, yeah she said but your father liked it did he? And I goes no he hated it, he used to get detention every day for not wearing his cap [LAUGHTER]... he hated it and he didn't do any work. Cos she was expecting me to trot out something like, yes both my parents went to grammar school like everybody else whose parents went, you know, they were all saying, yes my parents went to grammar school and they got these and these have got these qualifications and everything, I couldn't believe it though, there's a load of people in our class and like... you know, all the parents are all these things and they're not exactly brilliant, the children
[Sheila:] Mm
[Helena:] you know, like Olivia, er, both her parents are teachers and all this business
[Sheila:] Mm
[Helena:] er, you know... she's not
[Sheila:] they don't have any time
[Helena:] she's not much to shout about [LAUGHTER], you know, intelligence-wise...
[Sheila:] Who was that with Miss?
[Helena:] mum had failed, but she said why? I goes well all the, all the questions were matters science and she weren't any good at that
[Sheila:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] Would, would, would erm, grandma and granddad let you go anyway? Would they of let you go if you'd passed?
[Sheila:] Oh yeah... course they would of done
[Helena:] Well some p, parents didn't like it did they? Didn't want their children to go to it
[Sheila:] No, well it was a fixed system anyway
[Helena:] Yeah
[Sheila:] if you were well to do, you, you went... I mean the... the grammar schools, in the grammar school like your dad went to I mean it was, it was a really, you know it was a grammar school, it wasn't anything like it is now.
[Helena:] Well, there was two grammar schools in Lincoln though weren't there?
[Sheila:] Well there was the City school and the Lincoln school
[Helena:] The Lincoln school
[Sheila:] The Lincoln school was, is by the hospital
[Helena:] weren't, weren't there a girls?
[Sheila:] There was the, the, the Chri, Christ Hospital which was the girls high school
[Helena:] Weren't there, weren't there another boys and girls one or whatever, or were there just the boys
[Sheila:] No there was just
[Helena:] and the girls?
[Sheila:] no there was one girls school which was Christ Hospital
[Helena:] Yeah
[Sheila:] which was up Lindon Hill
[Helena:] Mm
[Sheila:] and there was the City school which was on Monk's Road, and there was the Lincoln school which was on Brambury Road which is
[Helena:] Where was
[Sheila:] now Christ Hospital
[Helena:] Yeah, where was Christ Hospital then?
[Sheila:] Christ Hospital was on Lindon Hill...
[Helena:] Where?
[Sheila:] Christ Hospital was
[Helena:] Where the old, where the college is now that art college?...
[Sheila:] Yeah, you know, half way up Lindon Hill there's three stone steps
[Helena:] Yeah
[Sheila:] and you went up there and there's them building sort of on the top isn't there
[Helena:] Yeah
[Sheila:] that piece, and so you start go up this building across, and it's like it's, it's the school there
[Helena:] Right
[Sheila:] and that's Christ Hospital, or was
[Helena:] Or was
[Sheila:] and that was the girls grammar school and then there was the City school where your dad went and there was the Lincoln school
[Helena:] Was that co-ed?
[Sheila:] that come out at Bram, Brambury Road, what?
[Helena:] Was it boys and girls?
[Sheila:] No, no, there was the girls school and there was the two boys school
[Helena:] That's a bit unfair...
[Sheila:] There wasn't another grammar, there wasn't another girls grammar school, oh what was Spring Hill?... Oh great, I don't know, Spring Hill was something
[Helena:] Girls?
[Sheila:] Yeah, it was a, yeah Spring Hill was a grammar school, it was a girls grammar school
[Helena:] Oh...
[Sheila:] Yeah because erm, poor thingy, the girl I went to school with she went on to Spring Hill when she was fifteen, see you could go on to grammar school when you were fifteen then as well as going at eleven
[Helena:] Yeah
[Sheila:] if you passed, if you failed the eleven plus and if you were clever enough, you could take an exam, like an entry exam to go, it's sort of if you improve from eleven to fifteen you could take an entry exam to go into grammar school then, so that you could take your G C E's...
[Helena:] Like erm, but, like Miss says some of the stuff on it was so rubbish, I mean like, there was somebody she knew, who their son failed the eleven plus twice and now they've got their P H D
[Sheila:] Yeah, mm
[Helena:] they failed, but they failed their eleven plus twice
[Sheila:] Mm
[Helena:] but now they've got their P H D
[Sheila:] Mm, mm
[Helena:] you know, it's so stupid innit?...
[Sheila:] It's too young an age which to, erm
[Helena:] Assess like that
[Sheila:] judge, judge people and, and, and, split them like that
[Helena:] Mm
[Sheila:] Too young.
[Helena:] I mean it might be alright for the more intelligent people or whatever, cos they get the best teachers then don't they? But I mean for the other people it's just, it's just rejection innit, you're not good enough
[Sheila:] Well I'm not stupid, I mean I wasn't stu, when I was at the junior schools in the country I wasn't stupid
[Helena:] No
[Sheila:] but I went from there straight to there taking me eleven plus
[Helena:] Yeah
[Sheila:] I never had any practice at anything or, and I should imagine they did, I don't know, I don't know how it worked
[Helena:] Yeah
[Sheila:] but I never had anything, I just went from one to the another, and I had to take it in the hall one day... and I wasn't, I was never very good at maths anyway, not that kind of maths.
[Helena:] Not algebra... oh we had this, we
[Sheila:] I could never remember how to do them, I mean if somebody, if someone sat with me and explained it to me and then I, and then I could do it, I would do
[Helena:] Yeah
[Sheila:] it then for that lesson, but after that I couldn't remember again how to do it
[Helena:] That's, that's just like me that is, if I get into a rhythm and someone gives er, I can do it then, but if I just sit on a page, I think oh how do you do that?
[Sheila:] Mm, I can never remember the formulas, like your dad said formula for such and such a thing is so and so and that, but I could never remember them... so I was no good then, because I couldn't remember it...
[Helena:] Mm, them nice
[Sheila:] and then there was St Joseph's which was private
[Helena:] Mm... mm there was only one in Redditch
[Sheila:] What grammar school? Where was that?
[Helena:] Ulster grammar
[Sheila:] Where?
[Helena:] Ulster
[Sheila:] Ulster, Ulster
[Helena:] Ulster
[Sheila:] no, that's in Ireland Ulster
[Helena:] Ulster
[Sheila:] Ulster's in Ireland
[Helena:] Ulster [LAUGHTER] erm
[Sheila:] That's nowhere near Greenwich
[Helena:] No, but it's where all the went... but you ain't good enough
[Sheila:] No, I'm afraid I'm er was a bit thick
[Helena:] If you weren't, you went to Dudley High
[Sheila:] I was good at English... history, sport
[Helena:] You ought to try taking some of them, honestly they're so easy the exams are, like history, ah, talk about easy, spartan erm, you could G C S E, P E mum
[Sheila:] I don't think I could now [LAUGHTER] I could of done then probably
[Helena:] You remind me of bit, eh, you're like a bit what Joanne's like, except Joanne's better at maths but she's not very good at English, like when they were doing Animal Farm, I had to explain that it was a parody of the Russian revolution and everything and she just sat there with her mouth open.
[Sheila:] What did she go to see the other day that she reckon was a load of rubbish?
[Helena:] Duke of... Duke of thingy, it was er on at the Palace it was erm Duke of, there was an advert for it in the paper the other day
[Sheila:] Mm
[Helena:] she didn't know it was an opera you see
[Sheila:] Oh it was an opera was it?
[Helena:] Yeah
[Sheila:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] and I didn't like to say anything
[Sheila:] [LAUGHTER] What did she go from school?
[Helena:] Yeah... [LAUGHTER]... oh...
[Sheila:] [LAUGHTER] I should imagine Joanne not
[Helena:] erm, but, you see, they would of been the most aggravating little gits there, because as soon as they found out, they all started messing about then, for three hours it was on, could you imagine sitting in there with them lot for three hours?
[Sheila:] What about the teachers?... I would of chucked them out... and Mrs
[Helena:] yes, but mum, you're not a teacher at the Leeds High
[Sheila:] Mm
[Helena:] If you were it probably be a bit different than it actually is... dad said to me once that if he, that if he'd... like been in charge of it we'd of gone to the Leeds and not St Augustine's
[Sheila:] Yeah he would of been... cos he was, he was, he was on about that, erm the said to him about it when we first came and er, he said about when, when we were on about sending and I don't, they're going to a Catholic school and he says oh the Catholic schools around here aren't very good and the, the Leeds and that are the best
[Helena:] Yeah well he's all in with that isn't he?
[Sheila:] What a load of rubbish
[Helena:] He's, he's the flipping governor isn't he? He's one of the governors
[Sheila:] Where?
[Helena:] Up there
[Sheila:] What at the Leeds, not at the Leeds he's at Dingleside
[Helena:] Well he's at the Dingleside but he's involved with the P T A there
[Sheila:] Oh well
[Helena:] and he's bound to bull up his own place isn't he? I mean no one 's gonna say oh yes my school's the best
[Sheila:] I don't think so, I don't, they're too, they're too big
[Helena:] What?
[Sheila:] that's what I don't like about it
[Helena:] It's not, it's no bigger than our school
[Sheila:] Isn't it?
[Helena:] No
[Sheila:] It's not got the same discipline...
[Helena:] It's about the sa, well it's might, just a little bit bigger than our school, about another hundred or something, but that's, that's a drop in the ocean when you've got seven hundred there... that's like one in each class or something you know, extra
[Sheila:] Still there's no discipline...
[Helena:] No discipline ah, no discipline
[speaker002:] ...
[Helena:] and er, we were like, we was on about, you know like we were talking about the education system and everything in English and you know I told you they were on about people changing at eleven and everyone else in the class wanted the thirteen system except me, it's only cos what they're used to
[Sheila:] Oh yes what they're used to, what they always, yeah, I know
[Helena:] but I mean, but like I said, I said, I mean, I went, I went to the... like I changed then, I mean to be quite honest I didn't like it, I didn't like it
[Sheila:] What the same people in school?
[Helena:] no I didn't, I never liked it, whether that was because I knew we weren't gonna be there, or, you know, I just, I was only there six months
[Sheila:] Mm... you would of done eventually, you would of got in alright, once you were settled and that
[Helena:] I, you know, I just... I would of been alright if it was a bit more organised I don't
[Sheila:] I think
[Helena:] know it never seemed quite very organised
[Sheila:] they sent it back, I think, I thought the twelve was, was quite good actually, I thought the twelve when they went up at twelve, but then when they changed it back to the junior and infants it was the elev, the eleven and it was a bit, I think it, you know eleven might be perhaps too young, I think twelve is a reasonable
[Helena:] Mm
[Sheila:] age.
[Helena:] But you see I was thrown from one teacher all the time Miss all the time
[Sheila:] Yeah to that
[Helena:] to, to German, French, Latin
[Sheila:] Yeah
[Helena:] er, you know proper algebra and all that kind of stuff and it, and it was, I think I would of been better if I had of gone to Our Ladies cos I don't
[Sheila:] Well I don't know I mean it would of still been the same if you'd of gone to Our Ladies, it would of still been one, one
[Helena:] One teacher
[Sheila:] Yeah
[Helena:] was there?
[Sheila:] Yeah I think so
[Helena:] I know, but
[Sheila:] yeah because they were the only one who would didn't we?
[Helena:] I know, but that, at St. Hughes you're stuck in a little rut aren't you? I mean
[Sheila:] Well, the trouble is you got to be the eldest and you were the eldest for such a long time
[Helena:] You mean we were the eldest for five years there
[Sheila:] Yeah because you go to be the eldest and then just at the time you should of gone on and become the youngest, it changed so you were the eldest all the time
[Helena:] Yeah
[Sheila:] and that made the difference I think, that probably made the difference
[Helena:] That particularly didn't bother me it was the regime, the sudden change in the regime
[Sheila:] Yeah
[Helena:] you know... I think I would of got used to it
[Sheila:] Oh I
[Helena:] but you know.
[Sheila:] I feel surprised that I put, how thick was she?
[Helena:] What? No, well you're not thick are you?
[speaker002:] ...
[Sheila:] So this is where you two get all this
[Helena:] what?
[Sheila:] supposedly cleverness
[Helena:] Supposedly, when I, when I told Nicola the other day that you reckon that I don't do enough work, she says cor blimey... she was shocked she was, shocked... oh do it, do it as near to the microphone as you can mum
[Sheila:] What she doesn't want does she
[speaker002:] ...
[Sheila:] I don't think er, I don't think you do do work, enough work, either of you really... I mean if I sat an eleven plus today, by what, if they ever brought it back, it'll be a lot different than what it was then
[Helena:] I
[Sheila:] it'd be easy wouldn't it?...
[Helena:] It wouldn't of been easier
[Sheila:] Well it would, it would of, it'd be easier, I think it would
[Helena:] Not to everybody it wouldn't
[Sheila:] Well I think, I think, I think to be honest they've all got easier...
[Helena:] I'd say they'd got harder, you should see some of the things we do in maths mum, it's not easy
[Sheila:] No I know that, that's it's not easier now, you know, but I think er that would be easier wouldn't it?
[Helena:] You know, I mean... you, the problem with you and dad is, cos you never got particularly involved with it you don't, you don't know exactly what's happening at school, you don't know what we do.
[Sheila:] Well I've never got particularly involved with this school, I got involved with the other schools
[Helena:] I know, but, mum that, that was, that was five years ago, I mean I've moved on a great deal since then
[Sheila:] Oh yeah, I know it's not, no I know it's not easy, I don't try to make out it's easy
[Helena:] I mean some, some of them are what, what I would deem as fairly easy, I mean I find history easy, but not everyone does
[Sheila:] Oh no, I know that, I know that I mean some people find some things easy, some people find some things hard, don't they? But I mean that's er, a fact of life...
[Helena:] You know, but I mean, there's no way easy, especially the science and maths... equals I times R, voltage and resistance in electricity and magnesium
[Sheila:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] what? but er, that fibbing git Tim right he's got a locker next to me, and he's got velcro on his coat and if I'm standing at my locker and he takes his coat out of, out of his locker, it always flipping pull my tights with the velcro
[Sheila:] Mm
[Helena:] that's the third time he's done it, I had such a go at him
[Sheila:] You'll have to charge him...
[Helena:] I'll have to... I had a bit of major benny actually ha... it was rather shocking wasn't it?
[Sheila:] Mm
[Helena:] Not that I ever have major bennies or anything
[Sheila:] No, no
[Helena:] I hadn't had a benny for a few days actually
[Sheila:] Oh
[Helena:] I'm doing well... [singing] thought I died and gone to heaven []... I don't like plain chocolate it's horrible
[Sheila:] Shit...
[Helena:] take a
[Sheila:] pardon?
[Helena:] Nothing, sarky remark, [singing] on my own just []
[Sheila:] Ha, there was this girl in the club last night and somebody shouted at her and she went [shouting] what? [] [LAUGHTER] Oh dear I said to your dad Jesus
[Helena:] Ladylike
[Sheila:] as common as muck... what she goes...
[Helena:] I thought I could give dad some of these and then eat them all myself
[Sheila:] Mm
[Helena:] [LAUGHTER] for his birthday
[Sheila:] Well why not, I don't think that'll go down very well
[Helena:] Don't you?
[Sheila:] No
[Helena:] Well I'm really shocked mum, I was really going to do it honest
[Sheila:] Mm, I don't think so Helena Rosanne
[Helena:] Eh [singing] what you do to me all my [] chuck me in there, chuck me in the closet... hit me with your rhythm stick, hit me hard and hit me quick...
[Sheila:] Hit me, hit me... what's the time six o'clock isn't it?
[Helena:] What?
[Sheila:] Six o'clock
[Helena:] What's six o'clock?
[Sheila:] The time
[Helena:] it's half six
[Sheila:] Oh half six that was it yeah
[Helena:] That's what it said on his little card
[Sheila:] Yes we thought he was going to somewhere else at six o'clock
[Helena:] Nicola didn't believe me when I told her she thought I was playing a joke
[Sheila:] What?
[Helena:] When I told her about this
[Sheila:] Didn't she?
[Helena:] I goes er, oh I'm recording it for this thing, she goes oh yeah my beard, ha, I was going I am, ha, but she didn't believe me, can I have some sauce please?... There was definitely no chance of a walk that day, bit of Jayne Eyre there for you
[Sheila:] Mm
[Helena:] Oops, that's what I call an honourary delight this is
[Sheila:] Mhm indeed
[Helena:] What?
[Sheila:] Indeed
[Helena:] Indeed... what exciting lessons did you have to do?
[Sheila:] Nothing too exciting...
[Helena:] Well I had... er, oh, what did I have? Something P E, maths, English and graphics, science, science, maths, English and graphic
[Sheila:] How comes you're so, you're so interested in the eleven plus and everything?
[Helena:] We're having a discussion about erm, whether it should be brought back
[Sheila:] Oh...
[Helena:] I said definitely not, cos it makes rejects of people in society, therefore a [shouting] what []
[Sheila:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] which they all do in my class, cos they're all thick... I couldn't believe it right
[Sheila:] Well they're all supposedly got intelligent parents by the sou, by the sound of things
[Helena:] Oh not all of them, I was sat, I, I was sat there
[Sheila:] All thick like me
[Helena:] and I went who's applying to go on to university or education after eighteen, so I put up my hand, turned round and flipping Stuart and Danny had put their hands up and I just went oh god, they're gonna do really well... and Terry, and Terry, we're talking Terry, Terry who hasn't got a brain cell to rub together
[Sheila:] What, er, mm, he's in your class ain't he?
[Helena:] so... ah that boy, this is the one who said I think we should be allowed to hit girls
[Sheila:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] he supposedly, he, two short planks does not describe this boy, even Miss hates him... that was it, she, we were having this discussion right in education, she goes, are you cynical about education Terry, he goes, no, he goes, oh she goes why? He goes I don't know what cynical means
[Sheila:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] I said, ah no and everyone in the class just cracked up... sometimes you wonder, you wonder whether he does it on purpose... he must do it on purpose, no one can be that thick
[Sheila:] How many was thinking of going on?
[Helena:] Ninety five per cent
[Sheila:] Yeah, oh...
[Helena:] but erm like Vicky who's got, in her English folder, this is Vicky Vicky, she's got in her literature she's got nine A's and one B and in her other I don't know what she's got, ten A's probably, mm she's not going to, she wants to be a nurse
[Sheila:] Oh does she?
[Helena:] and er, like she said aren't you Vicky and she goes no miss, mm, you can't be a nurse till your eighteen
[Sheila:] No, no you can't go into student, student
[Helena:] so like, you know, she's gonna stay on, do A levels and then go into it
[Sheila:] Mm
[Helena:] because she might as well have some A levels just in case or whatever, but erm... you know I, you know she's, you know, I can understand that actually, she's being quiet sensible about it she said there's nothing else I want to do and I might as well do something that I enjoy, you know, you've only got one life haven't you when it comes down to it?
[Sheila:] Well if that's what she wants to do, that's what she wants to do, innit?
[Helena:] Mm, like, her dad says to her why don't you be a doctor... and she, but she don't want to, you know, she wants to be in a hospital and that, she don't want to end up in general practice
[Sheila:] Well she doesn't necessarily end up in general practice does she?
[Helena:] No, but...
[Sheila:] But I mean for the first year she won't be in, if she goes into student, she'll be in college
[Helena:] I know, but it won't take as long for her to get there as it would if she becomes a doctor
[Sheila:] Oh no, three years ain't it a student?
[Helena:] Mm
[Sheila:] But then you get on hand experience right... hands on I should say, not on hand...
[Helena:] but erm
[Sheila:] learning how to clean pot pa, er bed pans and make beds and things like that
[Helena:] Clear up sick, that's a favourite job isn't it?
[Sheila:] Mm...
[Helena:] Yeah, I thought of being that once but... I wouldn't mind it in the wards, but I wouldn't want to be in the operating theatre, I don't know why, the blood don't put me off or anything, but
[Sheila:] You do have to go into the theatre for so long I think
[Helena:] Mm
[Sheila:] but then you can, you can specialize you see, I mean some nurses go into the theatre all the time once they've qualified
[Helena:] Yeah
[Sheila:] I think they do have to go in, you have to go into each area
[Helena:] But like, I mean I don't mind the blood or whatever, and if they were doing little things, I could handle it, but like, like on that op, operation that woman was having the other day and they cut her open and they just pulled
[Sheila:] Well they do
[Helena:] and that, that, that's the thing that makes me retch, not the cutting, it's when they just pull it apart
[Sheila:] Well I know
[Helena:] when it rips ooh, they could of cut it
[Sheila:] Well they do cut it
[Helena:] No they cut the skin and then they just pulled it apart
[Sheila:] Yes because it's not the like that underneath, if they didn't pull it apart they, they cut down, if they cut down with a knife they could cut into something couldn't they?
[Helena:] Oh, er
[Sheila:] It could be dangerous so you, you open up the top and then the other parts... the lining
[Helena:] Ah
[Sheila:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] Yeah but what they ripped was all fat, all her fat, ooh
[Sheila:] Yeah, but you see, you've got the, you got all the other things in, down, down, underneath, well I mean if you started going in with a knife and you started cutting them I mean you could cut an artery or anything couldn't you? Which could be a bit nasty, you know... [singing] and then she'd say buy a little bag for me, a chick, a chick, a chick, a chickita [] who's turn is it tonight?
[Helena:] Oh mine... oh, I wish it was David, probably never get
[speaker002:] ...
[Sheila:] We've seen it on T V
[speaker002:] ...
[Sheila:] flower...
[Helena:] but, I was listening to myself on that
[Sheila:] Mm
[Helena:] Oh is my laugh vile or what... and my voice
[Sheila:] [LAUGHTER]
[Helena:] it sounds so idiotic...
[Sheila:] [LAUGHTER]... That's cos you be a country yoke