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HOW TO GET OFFICE PROM NIX. POLK.


suppose about five hundred thousand people in
the United States (making very nice calculatlonJ
feel an immediate personal concern in this question
shall divide my discourse into two heads


TO


Do about anybody does What is that! L
Apply for office you are not fit tor this is gener-
ally the first move and in this way, generally, the
game is lost. There have been hundreds OF men
here in Washington this summer, many of them OF
the lowest abtes-ofen badly educated, badly
mannered and worse brought up-men who had no
qualification for any office attended with response
biy, who have on the very first leap sprung for
foreign mission of the most difficult and complicated
nature. Applicants have, time and again, appeared
for the first consulates the world, who never saw
shIp-who never read treaty of commerce-who
could not talk nellgby about our foreign or inter
national interest Others have teased and bored the
President for high diplomatic post, who never
opened book on the subject of international law
who knew not one word of French, or of the Ian
guage of the country they wished to 60 TO. Often
these applicants were men who sought to go abroad
to get rid impatient creditors at home, whom they
had cheated. In more than case, perhaps, Tin
one most certainly man demanded Con some old
score) a foreign mission, when he had repudlated
| his debts and broken contract with foreign go
vernment, of the most sacred kind. Don't such men
know that by sending them abroad, foreign states
have right suppose the President and the Senate
endorse their injustice and participate in their
dshonor! If moi, they ought to find it out.


The history Of the intrigues made this summer,
by fifty men, to get the consushp OF Trieste, would
! make an Encyclopedia. MI. Humphry, OF Bostcn
highly respectable gentleman, who had spen,
some five years in travelling through the Medter-
Washington, trying TO get that office, and paid
bills to the amount of $500 expenses, during the
crusade. Every thing he did, however, believe,
was honorable. But ne probably Killed his cause oy
tlme-of a totally different character-he was from
New York, (there were dozen other New York
ers in for the place. and represents as nearly
as may be, the Five Points class-.drinks all the
time he is not eating and sleeping-a, boated,
brawllng, bad-mannered, disappearing fellow. He
has been here repeatedly, and Is now staying, on
controlled votes in the late Presidential election
He had made one man drunk, and dragged him to
The pceshe had operated upon another in one
way, and upon third in another. He had, no
doubt, done good deal OF dirty work; but Mr.
Polk never asked hlm to do it; and by doing
it, SO far from helping the ocaSs cause Of de-
mocracy he undoubtedly brought snd w.t. VI hn In
bacsguard went reel.ng up to the White
House and asked tor Trieste. MIR. Polk
treated him cylly, but firmly refused the applca-
without doubt. Now, what does that said gentle
man :! Why, he is enragsd-he swears by all that
sacred above, and by all that is fearful below.by
all future elections, when he will show Mr.. Polk
what man can do, and by all that is terrific IN
some started or unstarted paper in New York. that
he will have his revenge. Ha; ! ha hs! he! hi!
HIM intimate any such intention, accompanied with
his usual bad manners, in Mr. Folks presence, and
/ think it quite probable he would find himself or
dered out of the White House by two three OF
Mr. P's wellkept, shiny faced darkles.


2-Make up your mind when you come to Wash
ngton, that honesty is not the best policy-iha hum
bug is omnipotent-that you can deceive me fs'ss-
dent or the Cabnet-that even hes can serve your
purpose as WELL if not better than truths. Calculate
upon some f1at-reckon upon a mne-an explosion
don't forget to bring along with you plenty 81
saltpetre or putty, or some other combustlble and
explosive materials. But take good care tina, you
DON'T like the Paddy, touch of your machine at the
wrong end-for the consequences being unlocked
for, might be bad, perhaps fatal, and then the iat
would all be in the fire, and you would be where the
devil could give more reliable information about
you than any other of your near relations. My for
mer acquaintance with Mr.. Polk and most OF his
cabinet, gave me strong hopes in the beginning,
; that everything about appointments would be
straghtforward-tha with this administration hon
esty would be the best policy, and ! think office
it's quite discovery IN these degenerate times
very fine anecdote came TO my knowledge the other
day, that will illustrate the case pretty well
Some weeks ago. at the time the papers (thr wings
more particularly were beginning to sow as exten-
slvely as possible the seeds of discord among the
democratic ranks, and John e. Calhoun and Mr.
Polk were said to be at swords points, and Mr. Bu-
chanan and Mr. Dallas were fighting each other IN
the dark, &c. &c. &c. a cavalier from the South
appeared in the field, and made one more OF that
innumerable swarm OF lazzaronl, who cluster around
the White House. as the traveller sees the maccaro-
nj beggars around the old palaces in Naples. He
was good democrat BY profession, and had long
ticular claim upon the President, he opened his
budget Ga pretty formidable one) and made pretty
good impression on the President. The fact OF his
having been a friend of Mr.. Calhoun was helping,
| rathe than
well But Just as he rose to 60 he thought he would
cllnch the nail he fancied he had driven home. He
friend Of Mr.. Calhoun that he ,despised him and
his eConstitution, and intended to do as he had
already done his best to break HIM down.. This
kicked over his dish The President knew that the
cavalier had been Calhoun man, which was rather
against him, but when Mr.. Polk saw that ne tried to
play upon his prejudices by mean motive. and had
resorted to lie to do j. he saw saw ne was sa traitor
his mistake, and went home, and has since been
doing his "prettiest' to infame the animosty Of
those few men who belong to the Calhoun clique,
magnificent statesman by doing mean things.


3.-When you get your case fairly before the Pre-
sident, suppose that he will lay it aside and never
think Of II again till you call and remind him OF it
and lest a second visit should not keep il alive re.
fresh his memory by repeated visis-go often, send
up your name every day before the hour ofreception
be sure to be in tune. Io bring all tne aa IN your
power in support OF so righteous cause, put dol
lar into the hands OF that well hammered young door
keeper, up stairs, (the mulatto mean, and not
him below.) and you will have to put your money
back III your pocket-never mind, you will not be
anymeaner than you were before-you will only feel
meaner. If you do get a chance-a second or third
chance at the President by all means sit down, (he
is always polite enough to ask any body-I wish he
wasn't, il would save him much time y and put
your hat the table and give him sixtysix reasons,
(,o begin with, leaving the rest for another Saudi
ence" when he is not so much engaged,) why, you
are the very best man in the world tor the place
Don't forget to tell him how much you have done for
done everything for him. and how dreadfully bad
your friends will ieel if you fal-tell him that some
OF them viii get savage and kick up dust and make
an explosion and then tell him how dangerous eH,
plosions are in general, and how awful this would