"A PATENT SERMON.
{"newspaper_name": "The Columbian fountain.", "edition": "01", "page": "p2", "byline": "ADDRESSED TO ULYSSES WAR;"}
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AODhESSED ~ OLfSSES WARD.


This morning while the coffee was boiling,
Ipicked up the dictionary, from which it ap-
pears that your name holds conspicuous
place. For instance, there is


lst. son Wmd," which means that il is
your duty and privilege to go on, turning nei-
ther to the right or left in the good cause of
Temperance.


Cd. "Back- Yard" That is, your cause is
SO good, and your efforts so praiseworthy, that
every man of money or influence, ought to
back Ward in his glorious undertaking.


Sd. "In- Ward" Which is, that YOU are
bound to dash, horse, foot, and dragons, into
the ranks Of the enemy, and to bring in all the
prisoners you can.


4th. "Om- Ward" Or, it is your duty to
throw out your graphing irons for the purpose
Of snatching from destruction as many drunk
ards as you can.


5lh. up Ward." This being Interpreted,
means that you must go up into the high places
Of drunkenness, and attack the upper circles
who get drunk IN instead of ont Of doors.


9th. "Doorn- Ward" This means that you
must, without fear or favor put do,on all at
tempts TO oppose you, and with your fearless
pen knock dozen all the flimsy arguments OF
your opponents.


Intact, you must go eastward, west Ward
north Ward, and south Ward, to gather in the
harvest, and then most assuredly your course
will be Heapen- Ward.


Yesterday hot water man blamed his wife
for taking the "Fountain," on the ground oi
the erpense Now, this man is in the habit OF
taking couple of flip glasses per day, Of intox-
icating drinks. Let us therefore see how the
account stands.


DR.. to Ia glasses per week for husband 81


Do do. tobacco, III


Do. loss Of time and treating, sc


DR.. to Columbian Fountain for wife, g.


Balance for week against husband, $l43s


AS the warm weather is approaching, many
of the fair sex have been heard to speak in rap
lures of forthcoming mint juleps. Shame on
them They deserve drunken husbands. Be
fore the Romans became degenerate, the young
men under 30 years Of age, and the women
aHthcir lifetime were prohibited from drinking
intoxicating liquors.