Question: I just found out about my fiance's addiction to internet porn, only BDSM, will this ruin our marriage? He says he thinks about it all the time (BDSM) like different ways to tie me up and other things he'd like to do to me,  and uses the computer whenever he's alone. Once in a while I let him do those things, but I'm not into that stuff and it doesn't turn me on, also sometimes it hurts. I've tried to be accomodating to what he's into, letting him know that just cuz I'm not into it, doesn't mean I think he's a freak (he spent many years before me thinking he wasn't normal because of it). We've been together 3 years and only recently has this become a problem. He says his only been this obsessed about it for about a month, that before then it was only like twice a month (which I kinda knew before and was fine with since I have my own things I'm into and would indulge in on the net about that often as well). But I don't know what to do now, it's excessive. He wants to get help. I'm scared that this is going to ruin our marriage, and that he won't be able to change, even though he wants to.

Answer: The first rule is to not let him do anything to you that you do not approve of. It's fine if you accomodate him at times, but only if you are comfortable with it. If he tries anything that makes you uncomfortable, do not let him get away with it.\n\nConcerning his "addiction", it sounds like it's fueling his interest instead of satiating it. With that said, it does sound like there is a rough road ahead. Obviously this is something that needs to come out into the open and soon. (I mean a real serious talk, maybe in a consuling session.)\n\nFinally, I'm glad that you are not perceiving this as something amoral in him, because it's not. The urges are there and that will change over time. As long as you are comfortable with what he does with those urges, things should be fine. It sounds like you're afraid that you may be uncomfortable at some point in the near future. That's what consuling and openness will have to work on.
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