Question: What to do with a 3 year old in group day care setting? I own a day care center.  I have a little guy who has been with us a long time. He has a totally disfunctional home life, and is very angry and disruptive for his teachers. He literally tears the room apart, spits in their faces, hits them, has temper tantrums, the works! We have tried time out, redirection, showing him his friends and teachers are sad or hurt, nothing seems to help. Our teachers are at the end of their ropes and threatening to quit due to this one child. Don't tell me that we have to work with the family, they could care less and will not take him to be evaluated or help us in any way. Ideas??? Please hurry!!! P.S. he has been moved to Pre-school in the past 2 months..he was totally out of control in toddler class as well.

Answer: This poor little guy! I've been teaching preschool for 12 years and have met some very angry children. They can be very frustrating and hurtful. When I have a child like this, I take a look at my reaction (and my coworker) to them. I find that if we are feeling frustrated, angry, stressed, they act worse. \n\nThe child feels that the teachers don't like him. He probably feels this way at home. He gets attention when he is naughty and continues. Try and have your staff be positive with this child as much as possible. Say things like "You did that by yourself!" "Look how high you climbed!" "You used so many colors on your picture!" These are great phrases for building confidence. Smile a lot when he is behaving.\n\nI don't use time out in my classroom. Time out causes resentment, is shaming, and the child can become very angry because you are controlling them. Instead of using time out when he is misbehaving, get down to his level and say "I would like you to (Calm down, listen...)." Take him gently to and area away form the others and say "When you're ready to (calm down, listen...) then you can come back with us." This is not a time out because you are not setting a time limit. He returns when he's ready to control himself. Be consistent and patient. It will take some time.\n\nAlso, try and use natural and logical consequences whenever possible. If he spits, take him to the toilet and say "If you need to spit, you can spit here. When you are ready to stop spitting you can come back." If he hurts, focus all of you attention on the hurt child, empathize A LOT, and shut him out. He will not like feeling ignored. The hurt child should also tell him "I don't like when you hit me. I do want to play with you if you are going to hurt me!"  It is a very powerful message coming form another child. When he makes a mess, he cleans it before he can move on to something else. \n\nEmpathize with him a lot. "I can tell you were really angry, frustrated, upset, hurt, mad..." He will begin to use words to express himsef. \n\nDo everything you can to keep this child. It would be horrible for him to get kicked out of another school. I know my suggestions take some effort and time, but I have been in similar situations and this technique has worked. Good luck!
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