Question: Is this ok for a personal statement? I'm in year 11 and applying for college soon.? Personal Statement – Kadie Bark\n\n     My name Is Kadie Bark, I'm 15 years old and I am currently attending The Sheffield Springs Academy. I'm a friendly, kind and patient person, and I am known to be bubbly and sociable, also I find it very easy to get on with people. I have a range of skills including:\n\nNumeracy\nLiteracy\nComputers\nMy creative instincts\nI'm practical\nHard working\nDependable\nI'm a quick learner \n\nI'd say that my biggest strength was probably creative writing/writing to describe as this Is the area that I do better In and I enjoy the most.\n     My punctuality and attendance has generally been good, but over the past six months or so It has improved greatly and I aim to improve It even more.\n     I have a really good relationship with teachers and pupils. I get along with most pupils in our school and have never had any trouble In the past. I think my teachers would agree that I am a sensible student who at times can get a little distracted, but is dedicated to completing work/tasks.\n\n\n     My favourite subject In school would have to be English, as I enjoy writing, especially creative, and I love to read also. Another subject that I enjoy is Art, as I like learning new techniques and applying what I have learned to a piece of work.\n     I have been on a few school trips before, the main one being when a small group of pupils went on a trip to France, Normandy. While we were there we looked into the historical aspects of the city by visiting famous landmarks, such as the Bayeux War Cemetery. I have also taken part In school events such as the annual sports day.\n\n\n     While I was participating In work experience, my job title was 'Nursery Assistant', the tasks which I had to fulfil include watching out for the children's safety at all times, making sure they were never bored and always had something productive to do and helping them settle down If they became upset, etc. The skills I gained from this experience are valuable life skills which will come In very handy In the future. I learned how to act around children, what to do In certain situations. For example If a child was misbehaving, they would have to apologise and have a five minute time out before rejoining the other children.\n     I think my relationship with both the children and staff was great. The staff never had a problem with how I was working and at the end of my work experience they thanked me for doing such a great job. Also the children were sad to see me leave.\n     I did not actually get invited back to work at the nursery as If I was to have an official staff position there I would need to have some qualifications. And although I enjoyed my work experience, I don't think I will pursue working In a nursery as a career option. \n\n\n     When I am not at school there are a number of different things that I like to do including socialising  with friends, going to the Cinemas, going Bowling, Skating, making promotional graphics for websites, talking to friends online, moderating and posting In forums, etc.\n     I recently had a part time (Saturday) job at a hair salon, sweeping hair up, making tea, washing the customers hair, but I stepped down as I wanted to spend more time on coursework/revision.\n     My favourite pass time would probably be socializing, and talking to friends as I feel It Is very important to have a healthy social life.\n     I am also interested In books and reading. My favourite book Is Guitar Girl by Sarra Manning as I like her quick and witty style of writing. I also enjoy books from Meg Cabot as she has a similar style of writing. The books that I read are mainly teen oriented, but I do like to read other books now and again. \n\n\n     In the future I plan on going to college and taking part in a full time English Literature course and English Language course. Other courses I am interested In taking are Photography, Music, I.T and Health and Social Care.\n

Answer: Seems pretty good.  I wish you would have censored the personal info before posting.\n\nI noticed fulfill seems to be spelled wrong, is the way you have it correct for Canada/UK?\n\nWhite space also makes things easier to read.\nTry to identify some of the longer sentences and make them more bite-sized.  People read shorter sentences more thoroughly.  \n\nBe more confident in what you say.  Try seeing how any sentence with "I think" in it sounds if you remove that phrase.\n\nDo you have to incriminate yourself?  I know it's good to be humble, but you really should be tooting your own horn here.  Obviously you can't overinflate achievements, but don't call yourself distracted (for example).\n\nEven though I used a parenthetical statement above, don't do it in your submission.  It's kind of like saying "ignore the part in parentheses."\n\nRather than saying that you haven't made a choice yet, I'd just say you are open to several career possibilities if you agree with that.\n\nBTW, everybody wants to pass their classes and be paid well, I don't know if that's worth mentioning.  \n\nWhen you look to the future, don't focus on what you can get, focus on what you hope to contribute.
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