Question: Can u please help me with this personal statement and give some advice on how to edit it...or u may edit it.? During my first year in college, my interest in Science was broadened. There were activities that gave me a brief introduction to the course I'm pursuing like the experiments that weconducted in our Chemistry class and the dissection of frog in our Zoology. The introduction of First Aid gave me a more brief idea on the work of a nurse and it was very useful in times especially when one of my family members needed it most. As I turned into second year college, Iwas introduced to new subjects namely Nutrition, Science Technology and Society and Health Economics which gave me a wider interest in the course that I am taking. Our class did a community service and conducted surveys in our Civic Welfare Training Service Program,and from that experience I learned that it is very heartwaming to listen and assist in the problems of other people. I am happy to provide comfort and help to the troubled and diseased ones.\n\nI usually read Science and Health related books and magazines during my free time and I'm very fond of watching educational shows like Discovery Channel And National Geographic Channel. Badminton is the sport that I play and I also go to the gym once in a while. Scrabble is my favorite board game. My household responsibilities, other than doing chores, include helping my younger brother and cousin in their studies. \n\nAdditional Details\n\nApr 11, 2006 at 12:29 pm\ncan u pls...give me some advice regards to it so i cud edit it

Answer: During my first year in college, my interest in Science was broadened. (How?) There were activities that gave me a brief introduction to the course I'm pursuing (which is?)like the experiments that we conducted in our Chemistry class and the dissection of frog in our Zoology. The introduction of First Aid (should it be aid or aide?) gave me a more brief (why more brief, I think you should reconsider this statement) idea on the work of a nurse and it was very useful (from here on out this sentence is not clear) in times especially when one of my family members needed it most. (New paragraph) As I turned into second year college, I was introduced to new subjects namely Nutrition, Science Technology and Society and Health Economics which gave me a wider interest in the course that I am taking. Our class did a community service and conducted surveys in our Civic Welfare Training Service Program, and from that experience I learned that it is (very sounds over the top here) very heartwaming to listen and assist in the problems of other people. I am happy to provide comfort and help to the troubled and diseased ones. (those who are troubled and sick sounds better and sick does not have the negative connotations that diseased has)\n\nI usually read Science and Health related books and magazines during my free time and I'm very fond of watching educational shows (if you keep the word "shows" name specific shows not channels) like Discovery Channel (and should not be capitolized) And National Geographic Channel. Badminton is the sport that I play and I also go to the gym once in a while. Scrabble is my favorite board game. My household responsibilities, other than doing chores, include helping my younger brother and cousin in their studies. (This whole last paragraph is not useful in determining whether or not to admit you to graduate school)\n\nIt needs to be longer and sound more professional.  At this point it does not sound as if you know anything about the profession for which you are training.  Throw in some jargon from the field.  Remember your audience, you are writing to other professionals, not laypeople.  Tell why you have selected their program and what you'll bring to the program.  Tell about research interests.  Tell about personal strengths and weaknesses you have that are relevent to the field.  Sorry if I am being harsh, but I am not long past having to write one myself and know what's what.  If you need anymore help you can email me through the contact here.
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