Disclaimer: these characters aren’t mine! This is a total work of fiction! I promise, I didn’t secretly sneak into the SCP world and record what they were doing…rofl!!!

Gears: Yes you did!

A/n: Who let you in here?? *shoos him away* ANYWHO ENJOYYY!

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One day everyone was sitting in the employee lounge. The employee lounge was gross, it was all linoleum and the lights washed out everyone’s skin tone, plus they were all bored. Everyone was sitting with their friends at different tables, only they weren’t like cliques, they just didn’t have a big table.

“Guys, I’m bored,” Gears groaned, banging his head on the table. He was sitting with Iceberg and Zyn.

“I don’t care,” Iceburg said standoffishly. “I’m going to do shots like a normal person.”

“I’m gonna eat a butterfly!” Zyn exclaimed, and then she did.

In the corner, something shimmered around a doctor without a name. “Oh, what fresh hell is this,” she muttered.

“No one cares, Zyn,” Iceberg chuckled darkly as he finished his 12th shot.

Zyn yelled, “Now I’m gonna eat a Greek myth!”

“Oh shit, oh no,” the nameless doctor gasped. “Hey, yes I do have a name, it’s—”

“Guys, someone’s coming!” Clef said, from another table. Everyone stood up to look at the door.

Standing in the door was The Administrater and a girl none of them knew, but who was easily the most beautiful girl any of them had ever laid eyes on. She had long red hair, dark deep blue eyes, and skin like porcelain except for a mole on her lip.

“Guys,” the Admininstrator said, shaking back his long black hair, “this is Dr. Fiorella Anastasia Artemis Leandra D’Marcus. She’s new, and I want her to feel welcome here. She used to work for the Pentagon, and she solved cold fusion. Come introduce yourselves.” No one moved, except Zyn, who was still chewing on the Greek myth.

(A/N: OKAY last time I posted this story, everyone got mad and said she was a Mary Sue but she’s NOT! SHE HAS A MOLE! SHE HAS A TON OF FLAWS, OKAY?! DO NOT DELETE THIS AGAIN PLS)

“No, no way,” the nameless doctor murmured. “I’m—oh no.”

“I’m so happy to meet you all,” Dr. D’Marcus murmured. “Do you all have a chess set? I’m wonderful at chess, but I can’t cook. I’m not perfect, kawaii desu!” she said cutely.

Finally, Dr. Löwen Alphonse Davison Augustin Jakobs Atreides Lemuria Agloval Silberescher, Baron of [REDACTED], Lord Knowledge, Savior of Ocelots, Spellshaper of the Boros Legion, and Keeper of the Sacred Chao, known alternately as "Lö", “Alfie”, “Davey”, “Augie”, "Aggie", “Jake”, “Lemmy”, “Doc”, "Ladajalas", and "Old Sliderule", stood and went to her. She didn’t look at him when he walked over, but when he got closer she did.

“Hello,” he whinnied warmly. “My name is Dr. Löwen Alphonse—”

“We heard it the first time!” Dr. Bright jeered, but Dr. Icepick stabbed him in the throat to make him be quiet.

“Fuck!” the nameless doctor yelled, jumping away as blood started gushing out of Bright’s throat like a water fountain, but blood. “You can’t just kill him! He—wait. Can you hear me?” the nameless doctor asked. “And stop calling me the nameless doctor, my name is Dr. DeMarcus! I’m Dr. DeMarcus!”

“If I may,” Silber intoned, and his voice was super deep and his lab coat rippled. He turned and smouldered at the real Dr. D’Marcus. “M’lady,” he said, bowing deep like a gentleman, “if I may, can I escort you to the Doctor’s Prom this evening?”

“Oh, I’ve never been asked to a dance before,” Dr. D’Marcus breathed, tripping (a/n: and she’s clumsy, see) into his arms. She looked up at him with limpid pools. “I would be so honored.”

“This has to be a bad dream,” the fake loser doctor wept. “I’m not fucking weeping!” she cried, big ugly tears for a big ugly person.

Silber strode to the fake doctor’s side and struck her. “How dare you speak to my girlfriend like that!” he yelled.

“I didn’t say anything to her!” the fake moaned.

Silber raised his hand and said, “Don’t make me strike back!” (a/n: THAT’S WHERE I GOT THE TITLE!! IT’S NOT RANDOM) then turned to everyone else. “We must pity this poor person, because she’s very sad and demented. We should put her on Keter duty.”

“KETER DUTY!” everyone shouted all at once.

“What the hell is Keter duty?!” the dummy whined, and everyone but Fiorella and Silber whisked her away, but she was screaming the whole time.

Finally alone, Silber strode to Dr. Fiorella and took her face in his big hands. “I have never seen anyone as beautiful as you, ever,” he said in his dark, deep voice.

“Yes you have, because I’m not perfect,” Fiorella swooned in a non-Mary-Sue-ish way.

“Would you like to become a baroness?”

“Yes! I would love to!”

And then they kissed, their tongues intermingling like eels. The Admonisher was watching and gave them a thumbs up because he was a little gay for Silber, but not too gay. But little did they know, Dr. Icepack was watching too, and he had his fingertips together and light was shining off his glasses. He thought Fiorella was so beautiful, and while he watched them kiss, he said, “You will be mine.”

Stay tuned for Chapter 2: The Wedding Of The Century!!

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A/N: so see, I fixed her. She’s not a Mary Sue now. Also my great-grandma just died, so pls be nice. Read and review! Rate up! No flames!