Honestly, you don't even have to be able to read particularly well to see just how much This Is Totally, CompletelyFuckingAbsurd subtext this was written with. Poor Allen Salkin. The Seymore Hersh of the Sunday Styles (and Sarah Palin Slambook Signee) clearly did not enjoy this. Imagine having to hang out with Madonna's squeak toy for a few nights. And then write two pages about him. Forget what isn't someone's idea of fun; this sounds like a spite-assignment. The only thing that could make this better is if David Attenborough narrated it for readers.

Into the trenches Salkin goes. Watch as he infiltrates the nesting den!

Young models in sheer cocktail dresses shimmied near chrome buckets holding bottles of the vodka brand sponsoring the party.

He meets curious creatures of the night, and attempts to elicit information about their intent marauding around the natural habitats of a Jesus.

A freelance reporter for Life & Style magazine prepared to sidle up for a quick interview. "I'm here because I'm supposed to ask him questions about dating Madonna," she said.

Yes, well, as if we don't already know, Jesus Luz is basically Madonna's squeak toy. They had plenty to say about each other:

"I don't talk about my girlfriend," Mr. Luz said. "Let them come to their own conclusions." (Through a spokeswoman, Madonna declined to comment for this article.)

Salkin, however, persevered. There are questions that need answering. Most importantly, how the hell do you pronounce his name? Observe his continuing efforts to communicate in his native language with the indigenous call of the celebrity weekly reporter:

Asked if she knew how to say Mr. Luz's first name, she ventured, "Hay-soos? Or maybe Gee-zus?"

But it's not all mysteries! Out he comes, with answers to the questions regarding this cosmic being with whom Madonna's sexual organs associate themselves with.

Before Mr. Luz, muscular and curly haired with piercing blue eyes, returned to the laptop and mixing board, he explained the proper way to say his first and last names: "Zhay-ZOOSE. Loose."

And...that's basically the big revelation here. Jesus went to a DJ school, started booking gigs, met Madonna a month after she divorced Guy Ritchie, and she's been paying him allowance since. Okay, he says she's not:

..He said that was ridiculous. "I'm laughing so loud," he said.

But who says they're "laughing" at embarrassing allegations? People who are not laughing. Note the curious lack of a bracketing "laughing." Salkin knows this guy's pockets are lined with Ray of Light-era cash. Want to see how bored Salkin is with Jesus? Look:

It reads like a fact sheet. The IMDB "Trivia" page for Pet Cemetery 3 was written with more excitement than this. It's not at all a hack job or a rush job, because, for all intents and purposes, everything you'd ever want to know about Jesus Luz is contained within this piece.

This is the definitive Jesus piece. Including how much he thinks he's worth ($30,000, which a club decided not to pony up for). It's exactly why this reads like a please, get this thing out of my life job. I almost kinda feel bad for his having to take this one on. Almost. Meanwhile, has anybody ever cared less about a Madonna boyfriend? No. Maybe it's a sign of the times, how we've grown with Madge, how Madge just can't buy/fondle up some excitement like she used to, or how we just have better things to give a shit about these days. Or maybe it's just a sign that—predictably—Jesus is just like every other model/DJ in New York City: meh.