Does anybody feel trapped by this fucking disorder? Like you wish you were normal. Like you see all these people being "normal" and you know that you have this fucked up secret? That you'll never have a "normal" relationship because all you do is push people away? That you get so wrapped in minuscule details that don't matter, but to you, they are amplified and that's what destroys things? That you feel unloveable or that you will never find someone that will truly understand you? I let my bpd royally fuck up my past relationship, which I now know wasn't all my fault because he had issues of his own, but now, it's like history is repeating itself and it's doing the same thing? I hate how much I harp on insignificant things but I can't let it go. I wish I could find someone who understands, but that's asking that person so much more than they bargained for. I recently got in a relationship with someone who suffers from their share of mental illness and I thought it would be easier; that they would be more understanding. I thought I was in remission, but I guess not. I already start nit-picking at everything he does. At everything his PAST was, something that can't even be controlled. My friends ask, "shouldn't you be in the honeymoon phase?" It sucks that people with BPD don't always have a honeymoon phase, or that it's cut short because anything that slightly rubs us the wrong way can be used as ammo. This disorder fucking sucks. I wish there was a pill that could make it right. I wish I could just be "normal". The suckiest part of all is I long to have someone by my side, but this disorder prevents that from happening. No matter how hard I try. And the suckiest part of all is that I feel completely alone. I can be the most charismatic person to everyone who isn't my person. But to them, I rip them to shreds. I hate this. I honestly wish I wasn't born sometimes. But then I'm told I'm being selfish because it would hurt everyone else around me. But does anyone else just feel tired and that you're living for everyone else in your life? I know it's the BPD talking, but sometimes, I think it would just be easier if I never was born.