I lost my job last year because of the pandemic and haven't found a new one yet. 

I freelance and look for jobs whenever I'm free, but the money is never enough. I'm educated but can't even get an interview so far.

I live with my family (parents &amp; siblings) and I help around the house so much. 

I'm practically my family's live-in maid now but I figured since I can't bring in much money like I used to, I'd compensate by taking over almost all of the chores. I cook, I clean. I'm still paying 100% for our 6 cats' expenses, my own phone bill and my portion of the utility bills with what little money I get. But it's still not enough. I feel useless because I don't have a job.

My mom tries to help by sharing job vacancies she found in Facebook. I appreciate her help, I really do. Most of the time I'd at least send my resume if the jobs don't stray too far from what I can do but I don't hope for anything. None of those have reached out to me yet.

My mom goes on and on almost every day about how costs of living are rising and money is so tight now. I just want to scream at her that I GET IT. She knows I'm looking for a job. I've lived on my own before, I know what expenses are like. She knows this. I'm really close to losing my shit and just telling her that  if I were to have it my way, I'd end myself right now because I can't bear the financial cost of living anymore.

Everyday I wake up wishing I'd died in my sleep, or that before going to be tonight I'll swallow over 5 dozen pills before bed and just let it happen. But who will take care of the cats? One of them is really close to me and I know she will be looking for me if I'm gone. 

Sometimes I wish I'd get beamed out of existence and out of everyone's memories. I don't even care if people think I'm wimpy. I never asked for this shitty existence.