I'm not sure how much background info is important but basically, my depression and anxiety hit severe levels in 2020 and I've been trying to recover since then. I developed panic attacks and couldn't leave the house without having at least one. my depression worsened to severe levels. With my psychologist's help, and my small support circle, I've been making small steps at improving. 

These past few months I've had less depressive episodes than I have in a long time, thanks to a psychiatrist. Ive been able to change my hours at work from 10/week to 30/week. 

This past few weeks, I've been able to go out to restaurants and bars with little issue regarding my mental health. Because of my improvements, I made plans to accompany my fiance to a bonfire with his family this weekend.

Yesterday at work, without getting too in detail, I had a panic attack at work because of some customers. I took my meds, calmed down a little, but because customers continued to be awful, I kept having milder panic attacks until my shift was 3/4 the way through. My spoons that I had been saving for the day-- and the weekend --were depleted. I came home upset, stress ate, and pushed myself to go to the bar that night to spend time with my fiance.

This morning I woke up with that feeling. That depressive cloud hanging over me, the rocks in my chest, you might know what I'm talking about. Nothing I did made me feel any better. I went back to bed and woke up at 2 PM. I didn't have the energy to leave the bed. Fiance had to literally pick me up out of bed to shower.

The bonfire was at 5. Told him I didn't feel up to going. He was upset because "this always happens". Which to be fair, it kinda does. His family is large and after dealing with shitty customers most of the week, it's hard for me to allocate spoons to long events where I pretend to be cheerful. Basically round 2 of customer service mode.

I thought I was doing a lot better with all of this in mind, but maybe I'm not trying hard enough or improving fast enough? Does anyone else kinda know where I'm coming from?

I know that there's no speed running for improving your mental health LMFAO but I feel stuck

TLDR: Feel like my mental health still sucks despite my attempts at improving it and it makes me feel like an asshole. Or maybe I am an asshole?