I've posted here before about the situation, and had since made some improvement, but I feel like I'm relapsing. It has been about 8 months since we ended a 5½ month relationship, but for most of it we were convinced we were the love of our lives. It was very intense, and although I didn't always handle the breakup the best way, I did my best not to step in his way or try to insert myself back into his life. 

I went no-contact after, at the beginning of the quarantine, I noticed some changes to his profile on an app. The following day, I asked if everything was ok and if he had deleted me (he had had short and sparse exchanges so far). He said that he hadn't, and that his life didn't revolve around me. I agreed and apologized, but I got very disgusted of my own behaviour. I decided to put some distance and finally got rid of both chats logs and pictures. 

I eventually felt better, and while I tried to still keep my distance, I got around to listen to some of his music again. He is a very talented musician, and I genuinely loved his music (I learned one of the songs he composed from memory, and I can still sing the lyrics to a T). He had actually gotten out some new material. I figured it was ok since he also liked a couple of my drawings at some point.

But... During the last three weeks, I've dreamt about him at least three separate times. And it has been crawling into my days too. I've found myself with intrusive thoughts about how spending the quarantine with him would've been, or "how much would he have liked this or that?". Other times I've been daydreaming about how I would like to make some changes to my appearance, and the thought "how would he react?" Pops out of nowhere. I've since stopped listening to anything by him, which saddens me because I really enjoyed the music. I'm just scared of going back to the despair I felt during the first months. 

I know that it usually takes me A LOT of time to get over something significant. I've come to terms with that, and can see the end of him being a touchy subject. I don't think we will ever get in contact again, though, and I'm oddly fine with that. But right now, with the quarantine going on, I don't want to feel caged, or be driven into doing something Reckless. In the past, I've done some ugly things to myself after breakups. Luckily I have my therapist, but since I'm jobless I can't go to her very often. I'm trying to do with what I have available. I just needed to get it off my chest.