I am so fucking done.

I decided to make the dumb ass mistake of confiding in my sister that I have BPD.  Of course FIRST thing she does is tell a friend, first *fucking* thing.  Why is it that everyone around me that I am supposed to be able to trust lies to me?  Why the ***FUCK*** does this keep happening?

Why is it the two only times I confided something in my miserable emotionally abusive narcissist asshole of a father he ran off and told other people?  Why is it every time I tried to confide in my mother she ran off and told other people?  Why is it that the time the police came to my house to take to me the mental health ER for suicidal thoughts they lied profusely to me?

Why is it every fucking time I try to make a friend they end up being manipulative assholes like my father was/is?

Why is it my mother never defended me from how my father treated me, why is it she dumped all of her problems on me like I was an emotional tampon then the second I tried to come to her with problems she brushed them off, assuming she actually listened in the first place which was a rare occurrence?

Why is it my father did everything in his power to mock, belittle, criticize and judge me for everything that I am and make me feel or outright call me an idiot at every opportunity I had?  Why is it my father was never there for me and actively made the bad times more difficult?  Why did he have to make me hate every part of my self to the point where I hurt myself and have essentially become a substance addict?  Why did he have to make me hate myself and being alive so much I want to kill myself?

Why did my therapist, after I missed just one fucking session, decide to drop me and go completely no-contact with me despite the fact that he knows what I am dealing with?  I was never rude to him, I never lashed out at him.  I never got him to return my phone calls or even do a wellness check to see if I had hurt myself or something.

Why does no one fucking care about me, why am I so unworthy of being loved and cared for?  Why do I keep trucking on through life thinking that things are going to get better?  Why am I such an unlovable useless piece of fucking human trash who isn't worth respecting or holding any level of trust with?  