For a very long time I've struggled with major depression, high anxiety, ADHD, addiction, impulse control, and anger. Some days are better than others, but the other days can get pretty bad.. Night time and days off tend to be when it hits the hardest. If I dont keep myself busy I get lost in my thoughts, become overwhelmed, and my mood can shift in a split second.. I've been very codependent for the last 13 years. Having someone around me as much as I possibly could helped keep away one of my biggest triggers for my depression- loneliness. But my anxiety, fear of abandonment, anger, impulse control, overthinking, and generally always assuming the worst ruined all of my past relationships. I'm learning to be on my own and how to cope with my feelings and thoughts. And I'm not gonna lie, it's really fucking hard sometimes. I get stuck in the past more often than I would like. I'm too arrogant and prideful to ask most people for help because I dont want to accept that I'm powerless and that I cant help myself. I never even considered I had any kind of mental illness, I just assumed it was normal.. for the past 10 years I was extremely dependent and addicted to marijuana.. About 3 years ago I got addicted to methamphetamine. It took losing everything I had to realize I needed help.. My home, my pets, the woman I loved and spent the last 5 years building a life with (and had just recently given me a beautiful baby girl), and my oldest daughter that I haven't seen in over a year now..  I have had suicidal thoughts more times than I can count, and one actual attempt. I thought it would be easier if I wasn't here anymore, that my daughters would be better off if I wasn't alive rather than to think I abandoned them. I didnt want to feel pain or loneliness, I didnt want to continue hurting or disappointing the people I was close to... But I'm extremely thankful I am still here today. Yes, I still struggle on a daily basis and I always will. Even on medication it's not something that can be cured or solved, but it's become more manageable. It no longer controls me. I'm learning to put the past behind me and focus on what I can do here and now to be better for my daughters and for myself. If you're reading this and you struggle with a personality disorder or mental illness, know that you are not alone. If you need someone to talk to, even if you dont know me, I'll gladly listen if it helps in the slightest. There are also clinics that can help provide free medication, therapy, and many other services. Reach out, ask for help. YOU ARE WORTH IT. Do NOT let your illness/addiction control you. No matter what you may think of yourself, what someone else may think of you, or whatever bad things you may have done in the past,  you DESERVE to be happy. Dont let anyone or anything take that away from you. We can't change our pasts but we can learn and choose to make better choices.