tw: just some substance abuse/medicine

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I just snorted my concerta dose, I doubled dosed today. i hate my life i hate everything, i want to do so many reckless things i cant handle it, i don't care i want to spend money i want to beat up a fucking person and i want to abuse myself as much as possible, i want to party i want to abuse alcohol i want to run at midnight i want to blast music and argue i want to run i want to scream i want to break everything in sight, i am want to end it, i am so unstable i cant live anymore i am so done with life, what's the worth in living? what is the point if i cant even survive without some fucking drugs