Okay so this is going to be a long messy one, so I apologize in advance. 

Background: I’ve always felt like I just don’t *get* how to make friends. I feel like somehow I’m always the odd one out, whereas other people just naturally fall into social settings. I know that’s not exactly the truth, and that those people probably work to keep their friendships alive, but that’s my feeling, anyway.

I’ve been pretty isolated recently. This is in part because I’ve cut a lot of bad people out of my life, and lo and behold; apparently like 90% of my friends were toxic. But it’s also in part because I’ve just felt... uninterested in others.

But then a few weeks ago it started to dawn on me that I don’t like not being around people, even though I’m not nearly as social as most people are. I don’t feel well when I haven’t been around other people for this long.

So in trying to do something about this, I reached out to one of my friends, who I met on Twitter. She was going to a ‘tweetup’ yesterday (essentially where lots of Twitter folks hang out together), and told me I could tag along. I was excited about this since I’ve missed out on previous tweetups, and it makes me feel like they’re going to think that I simply don’t want to hang out. 

Anyways so last night my friend and I texted back and forth about when and where she would meet me up (she was already with those other people but I had to eat dinner with my mom and her friend before going out so I would show up later). Then I texted her when I got off the train and didn’t get a response. And I get that; you’re at a bar, it’s loud music and lots of people and you’re a bit drunk so you’re not going to text back in two seconds.

But I ended up waiting for literally 1,5 hours at the station. On the one hand, felt super embarrassed and weird for being such a doormat-ish. On the other hand, I felt like this was my shot at actually meeting these people (remember that I had missed hanging out with them at several occasions previously), and like I didn’t want to over-react and cause a scene because as I said, they had been drinking for a few hours and there were like at least 20 people there etc. 

So the thing is: of course I have the technical right to be upset about this. But I also feel like, what did I expect? Did I expect the entire group to be like “PAUSE EVERYTHING!!!!! SHE’S FINALLY HEEEERE!!!!”. Like, I know it was shitty but I also feel like there’s an explanation to their behavior (not an excuse), and I don’t know if that outweighs the negative emotions this entire situation created.  I feel like if I was to bring it up, I would across as self-entitled or oversensitive. Ugh.