Hi, I don't know why I'm writing this and sorry in advance if my english is not the best. My life has been very difficult for me to deal with in its entirety, or at least since I have memory of it.

When I was maybe 5-9 (I'm not really sure when or how long it happened) I was constantly raped in my house by a cousin (18 M) who lived with us at the time almost every day. The way he raped me was so weird because he tried not to be aggressive or physically hurt me, made me suck his dick and penetrated me for some minutes without finishing ever. 

I knew I was being raped, he told me to be silent about it. Sometimes I went to church and they talked to kids about this, and If it ever happened to us that we have to say something, but for whatever reason the way they said it didn't make me feel safe in saying anything.

I got bullied in school, almost from start to finish. People used to laugh at me because I was ugly they said, they told me many times I was gay because I was shy and scared of people, and some often without knowing jokes if I was ever raped by my uncle. 

Having to deal with being raped was very difficult to me because I didn't know what to do, and because of it, I went sad to school. School was sad too because they made fun of me, so I didn't have a safe space to forget about things. I couldn't focus, learning was not my concern at the time, my grades were mostly C's and I barely did my homework.

This annoyed my mother, who is aggressive, physically and verbally. She used to hit me and my brothers for everything, If she was upset we would pay the price. She always told me how stupid I am, that I'm useless and it made me hate her and made me feel I don't have people who loved me, not even my family.

When I started high school I remember I decided to get good grades so I can apply to a scholarship for university, but mainly to show my mother I was not stupid, so she can love me how I always wanted. I was the best student of my class, I got monthly straight A's but nothing impressed her or changed her attitude towards me.

When I graduated school, I was going to kill myself, I was growing comfortable around knifes (Even though I never hurt myself) and I decided there's no other way I can feel this family love. When I graduated I was given a recognition from my school for being one of the top 5 students. My mother, without congratulating me, said she thought it was a mistake when she heard my name being called. I wanted to cry, but for some reason it made me understand that I've been living for someone who doesn't care.

I told my parents I'm gay when I was 20. They both responded bad. My mother stopped talking to me and cut her hair, and my father told me to stay quiet about it and not tell anyone. I started dating guys just to feel loved, but I always feel like I'm not enough, that they just want me for sex.

I think I have many friends, I'm not shy anymore, but there's always this feeling that I'm alone. I feel anxious everyday, mainly when driving I feel like my chest hurts and bad thoughts go through my head (This happens mainly at night) 

I was raped again at 22, by a friend of a cousin. I was drunk, I vomited before going to sleep. When I woke up he was in the bed with me (He was not supposed to sleep with me, there were plenty of beds) and he was fucking me really hard telling me to stop screaming.

I have a job that I'm very passionate about, and it was the only thing that felt normal, and made me happy to do something. But since three months ago it started being really toxic for me because of some "work friends" and some drama stuff.

This year I lost my dog, the only one that I felt loved me, he got lost because my father forgot to close the door before leaving the house and he escaped.

I always feel like my feelings don't matter, I don't feel like I have a family, I don't feel loved. I feel stuck. Just need to let it out, without many details because It's maybe a lot to read...