 

Making this on a throwaway because some of my friends know my other reddit account. 

I’ve been diagnosed with both Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar...somehow, so I’m using this subreddit as a sort of venting place so sorry if I ramble incessantly 

My mind has been over the place for about a year now, albeit this breakup happened in March, my mental health just hasn’t been the same since the breakup, and nothing seems to be getting any better and my life is complete garbage at the moment. 

Naturally, after a breakup, most people think about them, but my racing thoughts aren’t leaving my head. I can’t sleep, and I’m totally overwhelmed by many things. 

I want to give some context so I can get things off my chest. 

I acc met my ex on reddit, as we were going to do the same exam and they needed help, so I did. Once she found out I was going to the university of the city where they lived, I don’t know, things just clicked. 

We became so close and would always go out, but I don’t know what happened, what made her turn her head, but It really fucked me up.

She began ignoring my texts, I thought nothing of it because she would often have family disputes or would fall asleep early due to being on pain medication, but it started messing with my head when it would happen all the time. Weirdly enough, she insinuated the conversation so it was strange at first for me. 

My mind went completely crazy when we went out together on a night out and she started talking to another guy and completely abandoned me afterwards. I hadn’t done anything and it just really hurt. I kept telling her that I feel replaced and that my depression has gotten worse (I didn’t tell her because it was after the night out) and she said that things were fine and I shouldn’t worry. So there’s a massive red flag, but of course, my BPD didn’t help with this too, I was too attached. I don’t know why I went after it, it bothered me for so much. 

The nail in the coffin was when she texted me ‘I love you’ one night then, what I thought was her going to sleep, was actually with someone else. I woke up to a picture of her in bed with another guy, that she sent me herself. 

After a couple of days I finally snapped, I was way too attached to someone who was simply using me, who was being manipulative and not caring. It messed up my social life at uni and was just destroying my life in general. I told her that her actions are causing me grief. I was trying to help her out with her problems in life, how she had numerous operation cancellations and how she was in an abusive workplace, but seemingly she blamed all of her problems on me. I blocked her afterwards. But I knew she was in pain because of her not having an operation (she has had one now), it’s messing with my mind and making me unbelievably depressed, that despite the effort I was simply pushed under the rug. 

Now, I have ptsd over the relationship. If anyone talks to me about anything medical I go on a spiral of racing thoughts. If I am reminded about the city or listen to music from the city where we both live I have the same thing.

Every day for me is a living nightmare, I can’t get out of it. Idk what I want from this post but I feel like venting is the best thing for me to do. 

Sorry if this was a complete ramble. :(