I've spent the last 4 days working 10 hour shifts to have Thanksgiving ( which is also my birthday ) to have 4 days off. My bf made plans for us to spend a few days together which seemed to have slipped his mind. All of my family had get togethers and yet I wasn't invited to one. This is the fourth year in a row I've spent holidays and my birthday alone. I get birthday wishes on social media only bc it announces it so people say it. I feel utterly numb right now. The anger, the hurt, the emptiness, it's all gone and I feel absolutely nothing. Idk why I always feel like the horrible person and will bend over backwards for people who make me feel alone.

&amp;#x200B;

 At this point if my bf would say hey I'm going to come over I honestly do not want to see him. I don't want to see anyone, I just want to curl up in my bed and lay alone in the dark. It makes me so angry that it seems like I'm never important to anyone, especially the people who are suppose to be there. I'm not overly needy, I don't nag people, I don't bother anyone. When I get down I don't bother anyone with my problems and I repress them so I don't drag others down. I rarely ask anyone for anything and I do everything on my own. It just seems like wanting to be included in other people's lives is something that will always be something I will never get to experience. Maybe I'm just being selfish. 

&amp;#x200B;

I just want to feel like someone gives a damn once in a while. My relationship seems to be going nowhere, my job is just irritating bc they don't do what they are supposed to be doing, I barely have any type of relationship with my family, I feel stuck trying to get caught up on everything from not working for so long, and I have a few friends but they have their own lives going on. I feel utterly and completely alone. Everything is just piling on top of everything else and my stress is through the roof. Idk what I need or want at this point anymore because I never feel like I know who I am. I'm constantly pretending to be happy, to be normal, to feel the way everyone wants me to, smiling when I just want to cry. 

&amp;#x200B;

I hate it, I hate never knowing how I feel or who I am. I hate sacrificing myself to people who would never do the same for me. I hate feeling like the world is crashing down on me and I'm buckling at the knees. I'm tired of having to justify my feelings to people who don't understand. I wake up every day and want to die. I'm not suicidal but I just don't care to be alive anymore. I've done therapy, medication, etc and my therapist told me I was a toxic person and I just destroy people bc I refuse to get help. The fact I even went to therapy is a cry for help. I'm not retrying medications I've been on that do not work and I am not taking medications that I know could cause me to get worse. Idk anymore, I feel like I'm on the verge of a massive depressive self destructive episode. The fact that the holidays are here make it a lot worse.