i just want to cry and let it all out so i don't have to feel the pain anymore.

sorry guys don't read this if you aren't feeling the best. 

it feels like this reddit text box is all i have now

im basically convinced my fp has bpd as a result of my past abuse and mistakes

and even if i am way better now, im still going to fucking feel like shit

the emotions i feel are such a fucking hard mix of worry, anxiety, guilt, self loathing, concern, im upset and stressed and confused and lost and lonely and i feel so much guilt

im so scared i feel like theyre going to leave me forever i feel like its all my fault that they want to die and it really fucking is, its my fault they perceive abandonment its my fault they get triggered from things its my fault they hate themselves its my fault they think theyre manipulative and abusive and its my fault they reject me and its my fault they feel rejected by me and its my fault they never want to open up anymore

this is such a horrible and confusing situation and theres so many sides to take and perspectives and i know i can be nicer to myself and i was earlier but it feels like everything is crumbling and i now cant fucking stop dwelling on the fact that things couldve been different right now if i never had bpd and if i never abused them

im so afraid that theyre going to hurt themselves and it went from being okay to not okay so fast and i know why they reacted the way they did to the situation because i can empathize but it hurts knowing that they fear or worry about so many things because i have essentially caused them to

i want to die so i dont feel this guilt anymore but they don't want me to do that because they love me but i love them too but they don't believe i love them

fuck im such a mess and i fucking know that this exact situation has happened before a lot of times and that usually things turn out okay but it doesnt change the fact that im so scared and things feel like the end of the world and it feels like ive just ruined everything i love

i wish i could connect with them again and i wish we could heal and i wish they wanted professional help for themselves the same way i want it for me and us

they feel so far away and i am scared. i wish i could be with them right now and make sure theyre okay and i wish that i could be with them soon but they don't want that because of a fear of rejection and wow i fucking wonder where that came from

me :(

i miss them so much i love them so much i just want everything to be okay i dont want either of us to die i want everything to be okay because things have been okay and i dont want this to be the end

i want so much happiness for them i want them to grow because theyre strong i want them to be loved for and cared for and i want them to be nice to themselves and take care of themselves but they dont want to do that anymore because they hate themselves and i cant express love without them denying it or making me feel guilty about past mistakes

yeah i dont know what to do im really sad and stressed and even though ive been okay this week i feel like right now this will weigh on me for awhile and i just dont want it to 

i want to go to sleep feeling happy i want to have a good day at school tomorrow i want to have a calm day outside tomorrow and i want a good week

i want to be okay

i want them to be okay

i just want things to be okay 

why does everything hurt so much right now i miss them so much