Sorry for the therapy session.

I’m someone you can see the stress and anxiety building on my face and body language. Hear it in my voice. I’ve always tried to fight it and keep it masked which is why I sometimes come off robotic (used to a lot more when I was younger but have been teaching myself to just let it be).

Work stresses me out quick, and easier than most. Pretty much anyone I’ve ever met. But I’m good at my job and can stay focused. 

But family, man idk. It sucks but it’s like family have this image of you already and it’s unwavering like a hollowed out form that you are shoved into when you go around them. I love my family but I’m easily the black sheep, and it’s bc of my neuroticism. But I can interact and be more myself with new friends, coworkers, strangers in town or at the register or gas pump whatever. Those are shorter lived interactions. They don’t know you or have any image built except the one you create. I feel more free. More socialable, more energy. Clean energy, not a caffeine forced high to get through the day. Life energy.

My parents, siblings, cousins whatever, they all have an image already and it’s like the mental energy shifts around you, forcing you to submit to it to that image instead of the lively, fun more charismatic person you truly are. My dad didn’t show his feelings, I grew up thinking it was weak to be stressed or nervous, or not manly to smile and laugh. I had to break myself to unlearn that. I’m still learning.