Everyday I walk home from school because my parents both work 9-5 jobs. This is sort of a new thing because they both split pretty recently and my mom started working not too long ago. I’m with my mom this week but walk to my dad’s house because it’s much closer. We have a plan that I’ll walk to my dad’s and my mom will come to pick me up when she get’s off work.

So today, I walk home like usual and get get home around 3:40-ish. I literally had nothing to do so I just sat around watching youtube for a while. I had drifted off while watching a video and eventually my mom came to the house and woke me up around 6:00. She seemed kind of aggravated that I hadn’t responded to her texts. I felt really angry at her. Like genuine anger. Like who are you to get angry at me for drifting off when you take hours to get me? It’s not my fault! At least that’s what I thought at the time.

Anyway, it turns out that she had just had a long day at work and was just worried about me because I hadn’t responded to her. But even learning this information, I still felt the exact same. I ignored her the entire car ride home and locked myself in my room when we got back. I was still so angry and I wanted her to feel like I had. Like I wanted to actually hurt her feelings. But then she knocked on my door to ask what i’d like for dinner and was completely normal. Not mad or anything. And seeing this, I felt like absolute shit. Why had I been so angry with her over something so trivial? Why would I want to hurt my own mothers feelings? I immediately burst into tears when she left me alone.

This isn’t the only time i’ve felt like this. I can recall countless times where i’ve been in this mindset and wanted to hurt someone close to me over nothing. But I hadn’t for a long time until now. I did it a lot when I was little but forgave myself on the fact that I was so young. Years later and I hadn’t felt that anger, and even felt pride that i’d started to mature and grow as a person and stop holding grudges against people for stupid things like this. But today that ended. I reverted back to that stupid arrogant kid. 

I understand that i’m still very young, and have a lot more growing to do. I mean i’m only 15! But i’m worried that this won’t change. I’m worried that i’ll remain the stupid kid I always have been.I’m worried about actually snapping one day and actually hurting someone

Maybe this will always be a part of me after all. Maybe I just have to learn to live with it and try my best not to let my old arrogant self get the better of me. As long as I try my best right?

Have any of you felt like this? What have you done to get rid of these feelings? Have you gotten rid of them at all?