i’m 18 and diagnosed with major depression, ptsd and disruptive mood dysregulation disorder. however, i don’t really agree with my ptsd diagnosis part. mental health professionals never really listen to me and it constantly feels tiring because i feel like i’m misdiagnosed or maybe they’re missing something. they thought i had bipolar, but it got ruled out somehow. they also questioned an anxiety diagnosis, but i never got it though it’s very clear i suffer from social anxiety. my therapist even asked me if i had agoraphobia?? and while in a mental hospital, a psych nurse told me i showed a lot of signs of borderline personality disorder. it honestly feels like nobody knows what’s wrong with me and i feel so lost because of how complex and contradicting i can be. i also struggle with binge eating that they won’t pay attention to and it’s effecting me negatively. any tips? i just feel so lost. this whole month i went without therapy because my therapist was on vacation, and i selfishly quit my medication. i’m prescribed lexapro, abilify and trazodone. they help somewhat, but i hate taking them. i struggle a lot with self destructive behavior and i constantly feel like i’m undeserving of happiness and that i’m not worthy of getting better. this month has been… sheesh and i just needed somewhere to vent about it…

i have problems with extreme levels of envy/jealousy. a friend of mine triggers this in me and i become almost obsessive? i know it’s not healthy and i will be talking to my therapist about it. it creates a problem where i started to stalk her social media pages daily. i admire her and want to be her. i spent $1400 in two weeks because i wanted to change my style and interests to be like her. i hate myself so much. i’m scared my problems with envy will create a monster in me.

i never know who i am either. i’m constantly changing my identity. i have no sense of self. i went on a date with a guy and decided i was no longer into men because he pissed me off so much and i hate him now for no reason. 

i have problems with attention seeking as well. i always need to have the worst problems compared to others. i constantly need people to be worried about me. to me if they don’t worry, they no longer care. i always want to be worse, never wanting to get better. it’s like i love to suffer. 

i’ve been questioning sending myself to a longterm facility.

i keep seeing bugs and shadows when i get really stressed.

i describe myself as having two moods. most of the time it goes by so quick, i’m suicidal and five minutes later i’m completely fine. where as my overall mood is still on a week-two week basis. 

i’ve been so unhygienic it’s embarrassing. 

struggling with feeling so guilty.

overconfident and self hate cycling.

hypers3xuality/s3x repulsion cycling. 

dissociation where i just feel disconnected from myself and like nothing is real.

thoughts/actions of engaging in impulsive behavior such as drvgs, s3x, self harm, binge eating, spending, etc.

testing people to see if they care. 

downloaded a dating app just to see how many people would like me.

forgetting how certain emotions felt or what i did during a meltdown. 

distant towards people.

intrusive thoughts getting bad again.

lashing out on family and friends.

constantly switching between love/hate.

can anyone else relate? i just feel really alone anymore, and like nobody cares.