My boyfriend has been going through a series of invasive medical procedures for the past 6 months, and his pain and mobility have only been getting worse. I'm currently out of state for work for a few months so I only get to see him every few weeks in person but we chat every night after work.  He's living with our roommate, who's helping but is also disabled so can't do everything, and I feel guilty for not being there and doing everything I can, and whenever I try to do anything for myself or visit friends, and see that I missed a message from him I spiral into guilt and feeling like I'm neglecting him. 

And when we talk I feel like nothing I say helps or makes him feel any better, and I start crying, because it seems like he's lost hope of getting better. Meanwhile, I've just clawed myself out of a several month long bout of active suicidal ideation and was starting to feel like things might be ok, I have a new job, new meds, but now every time I see a notification from him I have a panic attack, followed by guilt that makes it worse.  And I can't tell him any of this because it'll just make him feel bad, because I'm basically his only emotional support system. I'm at the point where I'm actively trying to dissociate whenever we chat so I don't have any emotional reaction.  I used to be able to do it at my last job, but it's like I lost the skill, and now I'm just a crying, panicky, reactive mess and I just want to curl up in bed and cry myself to sleep half the time.