I really need to get this off my chest

I’ve been struggling from severe anxiety for 6, almost 7 years now, and it’s been a real pain. Idk how I got through high school or college but uni feels like a mistake, sadly. This past year so far I’ve been missing a lot of classes (I’m in fine art) and literally all of my lectures/ seminars. I’ve caught up with work as best as I can, but it’s evident I’m failing. Every time I try to attend, I start crying and shaking and leave with a panic attack. The few times I have stayed I sit there with my arms folded tightly around me, with my head down and feeling super uncomfortable and scared.  I’m so uncomfortable that I can’t move, or pay attention. I feel frozen and numb. Not to mention lonely.

It doesn’t help that the class is 3 hours long in the morning. I can hardly stand one hour. And no, the anxiety doesn’t get better the more time goes on. 

I only found out early this afternoon that I failed my first assignment for the class. It’s not such a bad grade, but it’s not a pass. I got 36%, and needed like a 40% or higher to pass. My teachers kept saying I’d fail if I didn’t start showing up, and now this just proves it. I really feel like I’ve lost my old self, since moving to uni. 

First my attendance  has never been this bad. Idk if this is a surprise but even with my anxiety my attendance was always 100% in both school and college. (Believe me it was tough tho). And during college I got all distinctions for my course work in art and design. Here though, I’m failing, which in art, I’ve never failed at.

I have a class this Thursday which I’m sure I won’t make it to. I’m gonna try, but I just see myself panicking and coming home. I’m sad because I know deep down I am a hard worker, and the guilt for missing class shows that I do care. I spend the day trying to catch up and feeling bad. I don’t just take the day off and have fun. I’m just sad though, because even though my grades don’t define me, I still feel super bad for failing anyway.

I truly love doing art and I’m good at it. If I didn’t have this anxiety I’m sure I’d be sitting here with a good grade, and a lot of motivation. But maybe it’s time to rethink things? I mean, I can’t let one bad grade change everything, like my future in uni doing art, but anxiety really holds me back, big time. 

Thanks for taking the time to read this.