I don’t have any friends. After I quit my job, I found that my work friends were friends by proximity. None of them reach out to me to see how I am, despite my efforts to maintain a relationship with them. This isn’t their fault, I don’t believe I am a valuable person, they have other stuff to worry about, it’s arrogant to believe they should think about me and make sure Im ok. I’ve been alone for about a month, and by alone I mean completely alone. Deleted all social media and started isolating myself at home. I don’t really know why I’ve done this, I think partly because I hope someone will notice and reach out, but if they did I wouldn’t respond to them, so Im kind of confused as to why it feels good to isolate. I got invited to a super bowl party but said I was busy because I didn’t believe anyone actually wanted me there, I figured I don’t want to spread my darkness and ruin a good time. 
 
Before I had shut everyone out, I told my ex girlfriend(we keep in touch) that I didn’t have any friends, and that I’ve been losing touch with reality and that I feel like an outsider looking in through a window at people going about their lives. She said I was right, and tried to comfort me by saying it was my own fault that I didn’t have any friends(implying that people actually do like me but I sabotage it by distancing). It’s true, but I do this because it’s easier to avoid a relationship altogether than to be “friends” for a while until they grow tired of me or stop talking to me when it becomes inconvenient. It saves me the time and heartbreak of being abandoned. So the vicious cycle continues, my self hatred precludes me from forming relationships, causing me to stay alone, leading to more self hatred when I realize it’s my own fault that I sabotaged my chances at being a part of society. My mind knows this is ridiculous, that an invitation to a party means that they want me there, but I convince myself that they invited me out of pity, or that I’m doing them a favor by not going.

Some people I know say things like “i’m here if you ever need to talk” but it feels so insincere. they only say that because it’s a nice gesture, like offering to pay the dinner bill to seem generous when in reality they don’t want to. I constantly think everyone around me is lying to me whenever they express concern or ask how i am. they don’t care, it’s the nice thing to ask but they don’t want to listen to my problems, it’s a burden to talk to me. So i lie and say Im doing well and try to end the conversation as soon as possible so they can get back to what they’d rather be doing. I know this is insane and illogical, but I can’t bring myself to open up. 

Currently in a downward spiral, I avoid interaction because I don’t want to ruin/waste anyone’s good time, isolate myself and wallow in self pity and self hatred, i don’t know how deep this rabbit hole goes.