Don't mind me, just balling my eyes out by myself and want to vent. I'm about to be 23 and I do not have BPD. I met this girl over the summer, and I fell in love with her right away. Everything about her was so perfect. I've never felt so connected with someone in my life. And I've been in a couple relationships throughout my life. But I shit you not, as cliche as it sounds, she was so different. And it wasn't the bpd that made her different lol. I felt understood and cared for by her, like I was the center of her world and I put her in my center. I felt like I myself wasn't such a good person but she made me want to better myself. I've never wanted to invest so much time and emotions into anyone in my life. She legit was the reason I want to wakeup everyday and live. AND THIS IS LIKE A 2 MONTH TIME SPAN I SHIT YOU NOT which is very uncharacteristic of me. Everything felt amazing with her. But then, came the fighting. And boy when I tell u, this is unlike any fighting I've ever experienced. She started changing, like I didn't know this person anymore. But deep down I still saw the light within her that made me fall in love with her. But these fights, I wouldn't even call it fights, it more like one sided abuse, with hitting involved. I felt like she slowly started changing into a narcissistic manipulator. Mind you, half the time these fights were made up fantasies and accusations. They started getting worse and worse, but I still kept hanging on, hoping that things would get better because I could never see myself being in love with anybody else, nor would I ever want to fall out of love with her. We even went on an entire vacation together. But the day I went to go fly across the states to go see her parents. Was one of the worst days of my life. She turned into an absolute monster for a reason thats laughable to some. I was hit, threatened with suicide, I was genuinely scared for her life and mine. I had to let her go, she was just not the same person I fell in love with months ago. This is all within a 6 month frame. Now, basically 2 months later. I am just heartbroken still. I wished her a happy birthday just now, and I couldn't even talk to her on the phone cause I started balling so much just hearing her voice. I genuinely love her so much and Ive never felt this much emotion for anyone in my life. I find myself crying every single day just thinking of her. I don't know whether to blame myself or her. Part of me wants her back so much, but the other part is already so damaged. I really don't know what to do, I've felt depressed every single day so far. The only thing I want in my life is her, but ik I can't have her. She was my forever and always. My reason to live was her and now it's just gone. I'm not suicidal, but the every day occurrence thinking about it is really putting a toll on me. Idk.  Im gonna stop typing now cause it's actually really hard to breathe when I cry so much lolol. Wow,  how someone can change your life so hard.