It’s his bday. I love birthdays. I got ingredients for an ambitious triple-decker cake with three different flavors of frosting, sprinkles in his favorite colors and icing to write a message.

I am taking a half-day from work with the intention of rushing home to make it. Meanwhile he was going to hit our post office, which is next to his workplace and very far from mine, because the gift I’m most excited to give him shows on the tracking page that it delivered yet is MIA.

He decided at the last minute to take his birthday off from work. We live together and he is a homebody. I don’t blame him- it’s just that when I suggested we go away for his birthday, he explained he had no more PTO, so I kinda thought I was in the clear to bake this damn cake while he’s away. I know I could still make it while he’s here, but it was a surprise, and for whatever reason, that is important to me.

When he told me he was taking the day off, I burst into tears, which took us both by surprise. I told him, “This is such a horrible reaction, I just had something planned for you, I’m so sorry.” It’s thrown me into an empty, hollow state of sadness, like “why do I even bother, I can’t do anything well, what’s the point of me.”

The cake surprise is ruined, his presents aren’t all here, and I realize I am making this shit about me. Tbh, he’s quite vocal about his bday nonchalance; he could take it or leave it. He humors me every year because he knows ~I~ really care.

I have issues with intimacy and expressing the depths of my love. Spoiling my SO on certain holidays/gift-giving is my “love language” (that’s the phrase right?). Usually I am good at this. Like, “I know I’m not an easy person to be with but I want to show you how much I really do appreciate you and care!”

I realize how petty and whiny it all sounds. Here I wallow on the morning of his birthday feeling sorry for myself, upset that this shit didn’t work out. This sub is the only place that I don’t think will roast me for being so pitiful. I don’t know why I can’t go with the flow on this. It’s just cake. I feel like a joke right now.