yesterday i went to the bar where my crush (not an FP, he's not that important to me) works. i didn't find him there - later i found out he worked the kitchen that day. i left that place because i didn't want to just sit and drink in the corner, and there were too many people there and i didn't like the background music. i decided to go to a different bar because i still wanted to have some good time. i didn't like it there as well, it was too crowded and i couldn't sit there anyway, and some creepy middle-aged men tried to harass me. i left that place as well. i went to another bar, it was too crowded and very noisy as well, and i felt overstimulated three minutes after i came there. i felt so fucking lonely because i don't even have a place to go, no one loves me, and my social life is almost non-existent at this point. at the last bar i saw a couple making out and calling each other pet names, this was enough for me to snap because i'll never have what they have, and i started crying. some people tried to ask me what happened but i was too embarrassed to explain the reasons to some random folks, so i immediately ran away. that night i left home, sober, in tears, and dolled up for nothing, regretting that i washed my hair and choose a cute outfit for no reason and did my makeup to spend one hour outside and cry anyway. after i got home, i dissociated with my phone for an hour and i went to sleep without dinner.

i'm so sick of people telling me that i should enjoy being alone when it's literally the only thing i've known most of my life, i'm fed up, i want to try something different. but i guess i'm inherently unlovable and there are no people out there left for me, everyone already has friends and partners and no one wants me, and all i can do is either yeet myself out the window or just RADICALLY ACCEPT (TM) the fact that i'm gonna spend the rest of my life isolated. fuck my life. fuck the lockdown which robbed me of 95% of my social circle because apparently it's easy for people to just stop talking to you in this situation. fuck everything.