people who say it gets better lie. I'm fucking worse. every year it's fucking worse. no matter what I do, how hard I try, or jow far I get, I always fall back to lower then before.

vices are worse. the pain is worse. the memories are worse. the desire is worse. everything in my life is fucking worse. 

I'm 18. I still have no real friends. I got a boyfriend, he broke up with me last year and fucked another dude. we mended it, he left me again. I'm in more pain then I think I've ever have been

this time last year was some of the worse emotional pain I've ever felt. but now, I have those memories AND nobody. he's gone from my life all together. the friends I had in high-school no longer talk to me. I got a new bf, he broke up with me after 3 weeks and got a girlfriend 2 days later. 

I didn't rly love him, but I needed him. I need someone. I'm horrible on my own. all my vices like cutting, drinking, anorexia and even my old vice of smoking is making a come back.

I'm literally shaking and freaking the fuck out crying destroying shit in my room. I'm failing classes. I don't have anything I need. I've put off so many things bc I cant fucking do them in this state

and this point I don't want fucking help. I'm completely self isolated and that's what I deserve thats what I want. I want to get to that breaking point where the only things holding me back aren't fucking strong enough anymore. 

this is all bullshit.