Sorry but I wrote a bit of a life story down below. Wasn't sure how to broach this.

I'm a 24 y/o male who's been perpetually terrified of socialization since childhood. Receiving an ASD diagnosis at age 2, my primary/middle school experience was incredibly tumultuous. Numerous instances of being evidently flummoxed by a given classroom discussion in front of everyone have been seared into my brain as a result, convincing me I'd never escape from the bottom of this cliff looking up at others.

Things briefly changed in high school, though. Upon managing and cutting down my excess body fat, I hit a brief high seeing people already familiar with me be visibly taken aback by how different I looked, which in tandem bolstered my academic focus. While it was a bit of a reject high school for students who weren't disposed to flourish in the more predatory college prep schools in Silicon Valley, it was a place I could thrive, which is all I cared about for a while. Finally I migrated over to the opposite end of this continuum, becoming the impressive standard flaunted in front of others multiple times. However, since I never expected such a euphoric period of emotional and intellectual stability prior to my high school years, I felt a little too safe coasting off it, neglecting any chance to cultivate any skills toward time management, socialization, or studying to begin with (something I knew deep down but was too proud to confront). Feeling that attending a community college was below me, I enrolled in a four-year university at 18 y/o, for once right on schedule in my life.

Long story short, college was a suicidal nightmare. I flunked countless exams, made zero connections or friendships that lasted to this day (mainly due to my lack of follow through), and developed a binge eating addiction. While my GPA wasn't horrible (around 3.0), it seemed untenable for a prep academy feeder school, firmly disabusing me of the idea that college is prima facie some intellectual breeding ground. Once I realized it's functionally a country club with lectures, I couldn't imagine a future where pushing myself to my limits was conducive to ANY productive habits, so I left during my Junior year without telling a single soul. While having no passions left was already discouraging, I felt so aggressively knocked back to the oblivious and confused educational state I resided in during childhood, compounding my long-term misery. I didn't have a job for nearly three years afterwords and gained all my weight back.

Obviously, I'm not doing great if I'm bothering to write this spiel, but I want things to be better. I made enough money to purchase sufficient workout equipment to avoid going to a gym, including a squat/bench rack, plates, a bench, and some adjustable dumbbells, which I intend to keep for life (I realize I'm avoiding another place to socialize with people, but I do NOT want to bother managing my time around commuting to a gym when my schedule fills up, nor to wear a mask while breathing heavily if I can avoid it). I also finally realized attending a community college would have been the right decision and enrolled full-time last year, working toward a major I'm actually interested in. Miraculously pulled off a 4.0 my first quarter, but hit a breaking point a few weeks ago purely from attending in-person classes and dropped all of them this quarter since I don't want to take any chances that might hinder my GPA (parenthetically, my life hardly changed from Jan 2020 to April 2020, so online classes were a godsend for me). Attending lecture halls and hearing students belligerently answer questions makes histamine flare up all over my body, leaving rashes everywhere as soon as I start sweating in nervousness. Basically, I have a ways to go before this is feasible, and am hoping I can do these same classes again in a couple of months with less distress. Needless to say, making new acquaintances wasn't a priority.

This is as much detail as I felt necessary to contextualize my rut. Feel free to ask if I didn't clarify something important for you to know.

TL;DR: I made mistakes in my life that left me wrecked with PTSD and made making friends more difficult. Very discouraged by how far behind I am and just want this to feel easier.