I'm not sure how I did it. Usually I consciously choose to be present for x amount of time. Started in 2018 with one minute consciously choosing. At home first. Then gradually longer. In malls and stuff I'd let myself dissociate because of eternal stimuli. It's so loud! Did a minute with time in between.

 I usually tune in and out as needed. I had one minor rage out because I lost my debit card. Roared fuck slammed doors. Slight trade off I guess. A close friend cut me out of his life and it hurts. That likely impacted on me negotiating incoming emotions.

I am glad. Before I'd hear people laughing and assume it's at me. I'm trans gender and 5 months in so I am pretty obvious. People have laughed in the past. Which I dissociate to. Likely tied into childhood school trauma, reinforced by toxic work environments in the past, which reinforces that people hate me. Which is not accurate. Some people don't like me, sure.

Being present gave me the opportunity to notice this. 
I heard some ladies laughing behind me. Normally my body would tense up, mind wanders and I retreat into myself.

 But somehow I didn't. They were laughing about food, I happened to hear two words of their conversation "eat" and "that".

 And I realized. This whole time. Maybe literally 5 times out of all the times I've heard laughter has it actually been directed at me. Because of how I present as an obvious trans woman. I feel something  other than completely depersonalized, and I like what I see in the mirror compared to before. I couldn't even see myself like the mirror was blank previously. I'm not so pretty now but I see myself and even for that I'm grateful. I forget how I look in my mind compared to reality.

I'm thankful for today being able to be present, to see just how much my view of life is skewed by BPD. I'm going to start diy DBT while I wait for therapy. I have had 20 odd months previous time in DBT therapy which has me aware of myself. 

Sorry this is a novel. I'm just grateful for everything I mentioned thank you for reading.