Hi. I'm 21 F and feel like I've been through too much at too young.

I'm the daughter of One foreign parent and one American. My father ordered my mother from a Magazine after a really bad divorce. He use to tell me they were pen pals til I turned 18 and then told me the truth...

My mother is bipolar and has had mood swings ever since I was a child. She often took days off and stayed in bed. She wouldn't cook or clean during that time and left me and my two siblings to fend for ourselves. She never really cleaned the house to begin with. The bathroom was always disgusting and our fridge was full of moldy food that she would tell us to eat when she didn't want to go grocery shopping. She refused to do laundry and when she did she would leave wet clothes in the washer for days or leave it in our basement. My clothes always smelt like mold and it's been a bad trigger ever since. 

We never threw anything away including clothes. My mom came from a third world country and a very poor area. So I understand why she acted this way. In middle school I only had two pairs of pants a three t shirts, one coat and a pair of sneakers. She refused to buy me more and said I should be greatful. In a way it did humble me. US standards all of what I described was neglect.

When I was older I realized she was very abusive and no other kids were being raised the same way. She would kick, punch, slap, and pull my hair pretty often. She went so far to choke me til I passed out once or twice. I'd cry and I slowly fell into the same depressive habits; Staying in bed all day, skipping school and just sleeping it off. She took it pretty far and told me to kill myself. 

In the 5th grade she told me only losers kill themselves. I took a jump rope and tied it around my neck. I was in tears when I did a head dive into concrete and woke up in the middle of the night. I just went to bed like it didn't happen. My second sucide attempt was a little more hands on where my mother handed me a belt and told me to hang myself with it. I tied it to the top of a shower curtain rod and jumped. There was no hesitation. When it broke and I hit the floor my mother stood watching me in the doorway.

"if you weren't so fat you would have been able to kill yourself correctly"

I saw that alot of failed sucide attempts normally say that people instantly regret it. I never regretted it. I regretted that I didn't do it correctly. To this day I feel like I should have tried harder or done some more research. 

Am I wrong for feeling this way? I've tried therapy but I'm just treated as an intrigueing research study by my therapist and they wonder how I couldve turned out " ok " and a decent member of society.

also. She sexually abused me. all. the. time. and I didn't realize it was sexual abuse til now. 

fuck. Am I the only one? Does anyone get it?