I'm 19 years old and non binary. I have a job, and that's about it. I don't pay rent, and live with my mom who I almost never speak to. I don't have friends, and I don't really speak to my family. Whenever I see people talk about what they want in a partner or about the worst people in society it's always "people without goals and aspirations". I graduated highschool but I'm not in college. I did music for almost a decade but when the pandemic started I just kinda stopped. I was gifted an instrument that I haven't touched in months. I feel so pathetic. All my classmates from school are in college, living on their own and going out with friends. I go to work, come home, spend all my money on doordash cause I'm too lazy and tired to cook. I don't even pay rent but I don't have any money saved at all. I feel like a burden. I'm not doing anything with my life at all. I don't have hobbies. I just watch TV and sleep. I isolate myself because spending time with people is exhausting. I work in healthcare and do housekeeping and it can be extremely mentally exhausting. People misgender me constantly all day and it hurts in ways I could never describe. It's a complete insult. Everywhere I look it's like people are telling me I'm not who I know I am. It's so bad I feel like living isn't worth it. Any joy I find doesn't compare to the pain I go through every day just living in a world that doesn't except me much less admit my existence. The world doesn't want me and it tells me that every day. Even my friends misgender me and at this point I just let them. Because I know no matter how many times I tell people my pronouns they will always see me as my birth sex. I'm exhausted and just want it to be over. I keep asking myself what I did to deserve this. Why did I have to be so unlucky to be born like this. And why can't I just conform. But I can't. I just can't. So all I do is work, and comfort myself with impulse meals while never leaving my room, and having my mom pay for my rent while giving nothing in return. If I did I wonder how long it'd take to notice because I'm like a ghost. I feel like I'm taking advantage of my mom while doing nothing. I feel like I'm wasting life, a life I didn't even want. I was born into pain. I was born into a fucked up family where everyone abused me in some way. And now I'm in a pit and I'm not even trying to get out. I just wish I was never born. Every day feels like torture. I can't love myself  because  no one has loved me. Truly loved me without hurting me. I wonder how many people I hurt just existing even though I try my best every day to be the best person I can and be a positive part in other people's lives. But I'm failing at it. I hurt people and I hurt myself. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to stop. What if I can't stop? Am I a failure because I'm 19, haven't moved out, not in school, and have no friends? I just want someone to tell me I'm not a bad person. Even though I know I probably am.