I just want to know what it’s like, just fucking once. I’ve gone my whole fucking life without it. My dad hit me more times than he hugged me. My mum didn’t give two shits about me, tried to kill herself 3 times before I even turned 12 just to prove that point. And that’s not to mention all the other shit they both put on me. Never even had friends growing up, moved around too much, just did my best to assimilate with new groups by wearing masks and leaving them behind just as quickly.

Only ever had one friend in adulthood. Think she did care about me for a while, but I fell in love with her and she didn’t feel the same way. Between that and my constant mentally ill bullshit, guess I scared her away cause she’s barely spoken to me at all for almost 2 years now and I haven’t seen her in just as long.

Never had a girlfriend either. Can’t imagine it would be anything but a total fucking disaster and I don’t think I can handle losing someone I actually care about cause of my own bullshit again. Tried using shit like Tinder but it fucking sucks. Besides, I know I’m not good enough for a relationship so what the fuck am I even trying to accomplish by asking women out? Sex is just fucking pointless to me at this point so I really don’t know what the end goal is and I just stop bothering.

I know people say you’ve gotta love yourself first but I don’t know what the fuck that feels like cause I have nothing to go off. Feels like I’m caught in an endless cycle of “can’t be loved till I love myself” and “can’t love myself until I learn what being loved is like”. It’s fucking torture. 

Don’t even think it fucking matters anymore, think I’ve lost the ability to be around people anymore anyway. Can’t handle it. Every time I’ve tried to make myself be around people or make new friends I just get fucking agitated with everyone and wanna be left the fuck alone. Can’t even hold down a job anymore because I can’t speak to the public on a regular basis without doing shit that gets me fired. People just aggravate me and I don’t know how to fix that. Medication doesn’t fix it, doesn’t do fucking anything, neither does therapy. Guess there is no solution.

Just so fucking sick of being completely alone in the world, having to do all this shit by myself every fucking day, with nothing ever getting better or easier. And it’s a fucking catch 22 cause the longer this shit goes on the harder it gets to be around anyone, the worse my truest issues get and the more I realise I’m probably always gonna be fucking unstable to some degree and I’ll never be good enough to have relationships and shit cause I’ve got nothing to offer but chaos and self-destruction.