I've posted here many times.  I need some help framing my situation.  It's kind of complicated.

When I was 20 I was a clueless studio art student.  I got brutally rejected and heartbroken by a few Caribbean women.  (I had been hanging out with a Guyanese guy and his family, I was also practicing Kung Fu and my Kung Fu brother was a Chinese Trinidadian)

Not too long after that I started heavily smoking marijuana with the Guyanese guy, a Colombian (from the coast) and a big pimpin ghetto prince (who had many lovers, including the great grand daughter of the great Guyanese novelist Wilson Harris)

I smoked with these people for about a year.  I stopped because of tragedy.  I developed psychotic symptoms.  I was diagnosed on the schizophrenic spectrum, convinced that I had made a pact with the devil and later, that I was the antichrist.  I've been wrestling with these beliefs for the last 20 years.

I contemplate burning and drowning in liquid fire.  The cosmos "just is" people say.  No morality, just consequences.  Even if xianity isn't the only truth, who is to say that my mind didn't vibrate into a hellish horror, a diabolical spirit world, where I make a decision with the consequences of fire torture, unable to breath, scalding, agony, that will never ever end.  I asked for it.  I really did.  This is the darkest most sinister self hating degredated desperation possible.  A raging vein of hatred beyond evil, beyond murder, beyond rape, eternal agonizing fire torture.

My brain goes through cycles I use the word brain provisionally.  Sometimes I'm ok in relative stasis.  Sometimes I feel my skin burn with anxiety and I will pray to lord Jesus for hours just to feel sanctified and holy and redeemed, saved, and forgiven, all paradigms pointed at by the metaphysical shlock of fundamentalism, baptists, evangelists.  

Sometimes I pray to ezili dantor.  This is a powerful Haitian goddess, a brilliant Haitian painter sold me a painting of her.

Sometimes I read relatively famous western occult literature by Alistair Crowley, Kenneth grant, Jungian material, Jan Fries, Jan Assmann, Henry Corbin, Lon Milo duquette, Sanford drob, Barbara Hannah, Mary Esther harding, Marie Louise von Franz, Edward edinger, Jake Kent Stratton, hosein nasr,  Idries shah, Ananda coomaraswamy, frithjof schuon, Julius evola, and Rene guenon. These open my soul to new sights and perspectives.



You may appreciate this:

My current project:Nikole Hannah jones, Alexis Pauline gumbs, Sylvia wynter, kamau brathwaite, Katherine mckittrick, Christina Sharpe, jean Comaroff, Michael Taussig, Dipesh Chakrabarty, Carl Jung, Walter rodney, Dionne brand, safia elhillo, Tiffany lethabo king, Paula Gunn Allen, jack d forbes, molefi asante, Wilson Harris, wole soyinka, George lamming, Marlon James, Amos Tutuola, Marxism, CLR James, David Graeber, David Scott, Miguel Asturias, Eduardo galeano, Mario Vargas llosa, Todd Ramon Ochoa, Paul bishop, bion, Maurice Godelier, Robin Fox, Eric wolf, Claude meillassoux, Claude Levi Strauss, Robert Redfield, Peter worsley, Sidney Mintz...Yarimar Bonilla, Patrick bellegarde Smith, terry Rey, Michel Rolph trouillot, Achille mbembe, vy mudimbe, Marie Louise von Franz, Nietzsche, Ludwig klages, t.k. seung, Freud, lacan

Forgot to mention others I plan to read

Samir Amin
Vijay Prashad
Stuart hall
Souleyman diagne
Toby green
Laurent dubois
Stephan palmie
Richard price (crazy work on Suriname)
Stuart hall
Ivan van sertima
Andre frank gunder
Cheik anta diop
Kojo laing
Syl Cheney Coker
Ben okri

I'm 38 is it too late to go to gradschool for this stuff

I also like more African and Caribbean literature

And lots of Jung stuff like Erich Neumann, Edward edinger, Paul bishop, Mary Esther harding, Barbara Hannah, 

I feel like I'm too late

I went to school for Caribbean anthropology focus on economic anthropology

I just need some advice really.  Someone guide me.  Please.

I'm thinking of online degree at university of the west indies for cultural studies.

Or university of Essex for online masters in Jungian psychoanalysis, both to lead to PhD at uwi, Essex, or ut Austin with j Brent crosson

I don't have a career, I just make pizza dough sometimes.

I'm not a troll, I am the son of my parents.

I collect occult books as well

Jake Kent Stratton
Lon Milo duquette
Jan fries
Kenneth grant

I have Gerald Massey and Alvin Boyd khun

I want to learn mandinka, Yoruba, German, Spanish.

My first language was German.

I'm half Austrian

I used to have black friends.  

I don't really want to debate cress welsing with anyone.  At that point my Morehouse friends just wouldn't stop.  I was able to keep up for a while.

I have little poems I can share.

I like Theresa Washington, Jacob olupona, books about Yoruba too.

Mainly I don't even know what's going on anymore.  I'm 38 and live on disability income.  My dad is physics proff.

I haven't had sex in fourteen years.

Haha

Bijam/Nou la

Vine deloria Jr is cool too

The problem is I need to raise my status.

I only work part time.

I've never done white collar work.

I'm 38
I don't even have a car

Of course I want societal advancement.

I loved being a student, but it had a violent dark side