Got to the point that it's like.. drinking has ruined me. I've chosen everything up until this point and yet I still have managed to destroy everything in my life over and over again. Losing relationships, having Ed after Ed
Putting myself through excruciating starvation only to gain the weight back in a matter of weeks.
Lost all sense of who I am and what makes me me. Completely lost , broken and completely damaged to the point I just don't want to wake up. I want to go back to using harder drugs now that I've gone back to drinking 
. I want to feel that numbness. I want to see my abuser just so I can feel some kind of complete investment in a situation that will distract me from my own thoughts. I'm sitting in my flat in an empty bath with my arms covered in blood and waiting on a guy delivering bottle of whisky. I'm supposed to be sober. But I have relapsed the whole last week. I am fat and disgusting and if someone could just appear and smother me with a pillow they could have all my savings. Spend the morning researching suicide methods.

I am so done