I've been struggling with amotivation and avolition for the past few years but it has hit rock bottom in the past few weeks. I haven't been able to get anything done, especially work. My self-care has been basically non-existent and even hobbies are out of the questions.

Probably precipitated by stress, I started having really intense suicidal ideation. I have chronic suicidality, but they are usually mild and easy to cope with. I do have several attempts under my belt that I've survived. However, they've been getting really intense with the fear of actually ending my life.

On Monday, I felt a really strong impulse and was about to chug two bottles of medication. I ended up calling 911 and sent to the hospital. They ascertained that I was no longer functioning and suggested that I was no longer fit to work. I got a medical certificate, gave me some olanzapine and sent home.

Last night, I contacted HR at my office and they are currently considering my options. They have been friendly so far but I don't know what they're going to do.

My condition is about 12 years old now (I'm 31). I've done extensive psychotherapy, mostly dialectical behavioral therapy, to treat my BPD and to gain insight on how my condition works. I had a much easier time understanding how my bipolar schizoaffective disorder works and coping with it a bit better. However, my condition has brought me surprises recently and losing insight over my mind. I'm starting to feel like I'm losing control over my mind.

I'm definitely going through depression, but it doesn't feel like bipolar depression or a mixed episode, it's just utter heaviness and inability to do anything. I feel sad and hopeless and very disorientated.

I want my functioning back and have some motivation to get things done, but I don't know what to do. I feel like there is nothing more to do as I've tried so much medication over the past 10 years and my options seem thin at this point.

Stimulant drugs are out of the question because apparently my ridiculous dose of Seroquel is cancelling them out. I was under modafinil monotherapy when I was misdiagnosed with depression a few years ago and although it helped me get things done, it caused hypertension crisis and had four psychotic episodes on it.

The hospital has been calling me twice a day to check up on me and where my suicidality is heading. At this point, I feel pretty safe but I never know when the episode will kick in again.

When I get these episodes and my emotions start flooding me, I get paralyzed and nothing can distract me whether it's passive or active activities.

For anyone who has been/is struggling with this, how did you cope with it. Whether it's psychological or psychiatric?

Currently, I'm on Lamictal, Seroquel, Latuda, Rivotril, Metoprolol, Pantoprazole, NAC (which was approved by my doctor) and various vitamins.

I'm willing to accept help or advice.