Not once in my life have I felt like I have a skill or talent such that others could turn to me for help, no matter how much I work or dedicate myself. Sports, school, video games, social skills, no matter what it is, it always seems like one of my close friends is better. I'm left feeling completely forgettable, devoid of any meaningful skills or stand out traits. As such, when I hang out with my friends, I can't help but to compete with them in literally everything. I don't make it clear that I'm competing, but while we play games together, watch some shows, or go grab something to eat, I'm making sure to compare myself to them in some way. Which one of us is getting more kills and being more useful in a video game? Which one of us is noticing more pieces of foreshadowing or figuring out the plot twist sooner while watching a show? Which one of us sounds smarter and is making better jokes while out at a restaurant? There is literally nothing I can't make a game, one that I feel the need to win. Really, I'm just trying to find something that I can feel proud of, something I can say "I'm better than them at this one thing", but I never find it. Even if I do find something that no one else has even tried and put a bunch of time into it, one of my friends will pick it up sooner or later and surpass me in a fraction of the time. I'm genuinely useless in that sense.

I know I'm a horrible person and an even worse friend for thinking all this. All I have in me is hatred, anger, envy, self-loathing and sadness, and while I try to hide it, I'm not good at it. I can go a few weeks with nothing bad happening, me and my friends just hanging out like usual, but eventually something will happen that leaves me feeling so utterly worthless, so inferior, that I can't help but start going on a self-deprecating tangent or passive aggressive lash out. It's been this way since I met any of my friends and, while I know it's insanely annoying and mentally grating, I continue to selfishly hang out with them because I can't imagine what my life would be like without them. They put up with it and try to cheer me up and reason with me when things get bad, and that's worked fine for a couple years, but we're all adults in college now. We're at this point where it's either grow up or become a failure in the eyes of society and I'm over here, still throwing little baby tantrums because I'm not better than my friends. And my friends have clearly realized this. Their patience is growing thinner and their reactions are markedly more aggressive and irritated. So I think it's time I do what's right for once and stop bugging them. 

Being unable to improve as a person and overcome my flaws, an utter fool with no self-purpose, I'm left with only one choice: say goodbye. And yet, a small voice in my head tells me once again "join their call, go hang out with them, don't leave". As I said, I have no clue what I'd do, what my life would be reduced to, without my friends. I'm not suicidal by any means, but I just can't describe how much I'd like to beat the shit out of myself for being so dumb all the time, and the one time that feeling goes away is when me and my friend are talking and laughing together in a call. I want to do what's best for my friends and stop annoying them and let them truly enjoy themselves, but I don't know if I have the strength to give up such an important part of my life. I just don't know anymore.

I'm sorry if this post is really hard to follow, I just needed somewhere to post my thoughts.