I don't know what to do. Nothing makes sense anymore. For me, life is like an infinity loop. Every day, I get up to attend lectures. After lectures, I do nothing but scroll through social media rather than go to the gym, but to be honest, I really like working out. It's the only part of the day when I feel happy. When I set my new pr, I forget about everything and feel genuinely happy. Because of that, I go to the gym almost every day. But when I get home, everything is the same. I have no hobbies. I stopped playing games (they do not bring joy anymore). I do not like going out and meeting new people. I have a couple of friends with whom I hang around sometimes, but I feel like I am missing something. It feels like I have a hole inside me. Every time I achieve something, it gets even bigger. Because of that feeling, I do not have a girlfriend. If I really like a girl, it will not be a problem for me to go and chat with her. But every time they start to fall in love with me, I suddenly lose interest in them. That happens every time. I made some people cry because of that, and I am not proud of it. But things get worse when girls try to make the first move. I usually ignore them. I was trying to change myself, but I could not. When a girl approaches me, I am OK, but when she starts making moves, my personality completely changes. I feel very lonely. 

Recently, I discovered that I can not cry. Every time I tried, nothing happened. Every sad movie that I got recommended had no effect. At first my eyes will get wet and my heartbeat will start racing, but in seconds it will stop and there will be no tears on my face. I was at my grandpa's funeral. Everybody was upset, but I did not feel anything. It was not like I did not love him; he was my inspiration for him. I was a younger version of him, so we were often together, but on that day, I felt nothing. My cousins said to me that I was cold-hearted because I looked like I was here as if I was forced to and run away in tears.

Maybe she was right. I can not feel anything. I can not sleep at night because I think about myself.

When this started to happen to me, I was a cute, energetic boy who was always the center of attention and was very happy about his friends and life. I have never had such a problem before. Everybody says that I am cruel and look very violent, but I do not feel so.

For me, this is some kind of truth. Every time I travel by public transport, not even one female sits near me. Even when I offer my seat to the old ladies, they refuse with scared faces. 

I wanted to write this because I do not have anyone close to me to tell them my problems, and I will not be upset if nobody reads this. And also, sorry for my English, it's not my native language.