   Cw: sucide mentioned 

I am not the best at typing , but here we go.
   I constantly feel like like I'm not doing enough simply because I don't have a job. I live with my boyfriend and he works and I kinda "housewife" the apartment, keeping it clean, etc.  I try so hard but not everyday I can do that stuff and it really destroys me. Money is a really stressful thing and because I don't have a job it also destroys me. 

 I feel like I can't tell him anything when I'm having a hard time, because I feel like he has a hard enough time with his own stuff and that I would stress him out or he would get mad at me. I know that he wouldn't and I think I feel this way because of my childhood trauma.  I don't really have anybody in my life to vent to. I'm trying to get a therapist but it's so hard since I live in the States.

 A part of me wants to kill myself, But I don't want to die; I just really don't want to play this game that humanity decided to play. All of this "adulting" stuff is redundant and it frustrates me to every extent and I don't understand -I don't understand at all why we have to play I we have to play by these "rules"

 I know things can be better. I know that there's a better way, But all I see is people fighting each other. I just want to be able to live my life freely,  But I feel like I won't be able to do that in this life. Im sorry if none of this stuff makes sense. I have schizoaffective bipolar type with raging BPD and im so tired, frustrated, and sad.