So my boyfriend (who’s also my FP) was supposed to hangout with me yesterday he made plans and I was all excited waiting for him to find out the next day he’s already been drinking all day and is wasted and forgot he even made those plans with me and said he wasn’t going to come at all until I talked with him and he said okay I’ll be there later around dinner and then doesn’t hear from him for HOURS and get a text saying sorry passed out. 

Like what I’m your girlfriend how about hey baby I’m so sorry I passed out I’ll be there soon? Absolutely get the opposite. Now ignores me and find out he’s not coming, he was incoherent all day and night and barely talked to me. 

Now he was supposed to come make it up to me today talked to him this morning at 10 and he said not till dinner because he has cleaning to do. Who cleans for 7 plus hours? No one. Thing is he lives with his brother and they aren’t very clean and so I know for a fact cleaning would never take them more than a half hour IF that. 

So what is he doing this entire time and why is he not being clear with me? He knows I have been suicidal and NEEDED him the past few days and he has acted like he could care less. I haven’t seen him since Tuesday morning and that’s not normal for us.

Also barely talks to me when he’s home, hates talking on the phone who we never FaceTime and we’ve only talked on the phone like 5 times in almost a year and for a few mins each time. He’s my FP and my bf so it kills me because I barely get quality time with him and I wish I could have him around 24/7 and he doesn’t feel the same and it kills me. He likes his space and time to himself once in a while he said. In his defence he usually spends a couple or few days with me then goes home for a couple or few days then comes back. Also being hyper sexual you can imagine how the fuck I’m coping. 

Weed, alcohol and disassociating baby!! I can’t focus on like anything when he’s not around. I will just have music on for noise because it can’t be silent or I’ll lose my shit being alone with me thinking and I can’t seem to cope well lately I’m high or drunk. Also started cutting myself again after years of stopping. I’ve done it twice in the past couple months now, last time was last night. 

I wanted to die mainly because of my boyfriend and him ditching me and not caring but also because of myself and my own brain and this horrible illness. I’m only alive for my son, I can’t do that to him, I just can’t I absolutely can’t. I hope I never do. I feel like I could never which is why I haven’t yet and he’s about to be 12. Everyone else would survive, but my kid. Man I can’t do that to him so I guess I’m kind of resentful towards him in a way because I have to live for him which I know is fucked I love him SO much!!! 

I’m such a horrible person :(