I woke up this morning to the deepest despair I have ever felt before. From the first second I was conscious, I crawled into a pit of unending tears. I've never learned to cry before, but I've been forced to learn recently. I don't feel anything except the worst pain of my life. I feel sick, I feel so sick. It feels like every part of my body burns. My heart feels like it's escaped my chest and my lungs feel like the breath has been taken from them. My head won't stop going through a slideshow from hell. I’m completely exhausted, but my mind is also racing a million miles an hour with a sense of impending doom. My thoughts are screaming at me right now. Nights feel sorrowful and mornings feel resentful, like a fucked up nostalgia. I hate how I feel completely alone even though there are so many people that love and care about me. I hate how I can't stop beating myself up and convincing myself that I deserve my self hatred, and maybe I like it. I hate how I have no hope for a future that could realistically be good for me, but I just can't see a happy ending no matter how hard I try. I hate how I have to be strong and hide my intense pessimism and apathy that's destroying my view of everything. I hate how I think death is the only way out of this, and I'm not sure if it really is reasonable or not. I hate how nothing makes me happy and the only sources of happiness I've had are going to be gone. I hate how I feel so disconnected from everything that could be good for me, and I don't possess energy to make a conscious change. Depression makes me think that help could never help, that it's pointless, that it's easier to kill myself, even though I've never really tried, but I have such shitty sub-zero tunnel vision. I feel too depressed to save myself but also too depressed to go through with suicide. I feel like I've failed, I feel like I've failed everything. Everything I touch dies. I just want to be saved from this constant grief, I just want the death inside me to learn to live, but everything is just too painful. I'm in so much pain, all I feel is pain and suffering and agony and heartbreak and misery.