    Truthfully I don't know if i have depression or not because I am waiting for my insurance to approve therapy for me. I see signs of it in myself and my grandma is diagnosed with depression so I am going to talk about it with the therapist once it gets approved and the appointment is scheduled. 

    When i was in k-12 I thought I would be good getting through school and it was until now. In high school and middle school I would get good grades, always mostly As and some Bs. The classes were always easy enough for me bc I just did the school work, did the homework at school, and took notes so I never had to study for tests or anything and got a good passing grade which meant once school ended I had the rest of the day to do what I want. This worked out for me because my GPA was a 3.8-3.9. The hardest questions in school were personal questions like what i want to do after graduation. I never had a answer to this because I never knew what I wanted to go but I always said I would go to a 4 year and study engineering because that's what my parents wanted.  I never did like school besides for friends so I was happy to graduate do I can be done with school. 

    Anyways I applied to a college that my parents always want to me to go and because my sister was already there. I got in to it as a mechanical engineer major and got a 14.5k a year scholarship. It was a Christian college which included mandatory chaple and religious classes. My family and I aren't Christian(we're catholic) so it was difficult on me.

    College started and my mental health went to shambles. I was on constant anxiety for 2 week 24/7. I barely slept, my heart would be compressed, barely ate and when I could I would feel like throwing up. My mind was non stop running, i could hear the teacher but not comprehend what they were saying, and i couldn't focus on any work. I was going to a school I didn't want to, majoring in something I can't see my self being happy in the future just doing it for the money, had no time for myself because I would either be laying downing trying to calm myself or doing homework. I switch my major but that didn't help. So after 2 weeks I dropped out. Went to the doctor and she highly recommended me to see a therapist and put in a referral for my insurance to approve.

Currently I'm just got around to put in a application for my city's cc for the spring semester after weeks of putting it off. I literally would be sick when I thought about going back to school. I planned and want to go in undecided but the application doesn't give me an option to do so. So now I have to choose something for the time being but don't know what to choose. The application deadline is this Thursday so I still had a day to decide but that's not enough time.

Truthfully I have no passion in life nor for life. No job interests me. Living seems more like a curse than a gift. While I feel like I would be better off dead or never born in the first place I don't want to kill myself because it would only do more harm than good.

There's more i want to add and get off my mind but at the moment I can't think of anything else to add.