When I wake up in the morning, my first thought is, "You're an asshole." Whatever I'm doing, in the back of my mind is a video of every stupid cringe-worthy thing I've done since the age of 4. I'm too cowardly to be suicidal, which adds to the self contempt-- "You're worthless, but you continue to be a waste of space., concerned with self-preservation, and any mean comfort you can give yourself." If I'm told, "You're funny, intelligent, everybody likes you, blah blah blah..." , I think of the charismatic huckster Elizabeth Holmes, or serial killers who are so successful because they are so charming. The external facade of personality, is not an accurate portrayal of inner worth-- or worthlessness, as the case may be. If i'm nice to people, it's because I don't want enemies. If I have friends, it's for an angle, what I can get out of the relationship. I'm not always nice. I'll be a total shit if I can get away with it. In a way, I hope I am as bad as I think I am, that other people are better than I am, because if my kind of personality is not all that unusual, then I'm living in a world of scumbags. Meanwhile, I continue my existence as a lazy coward concerned with surviving as comfortably as possible, while putting forth as little effort as possible.