I'm completely fucking distraught. I lashed out at him almost daily, he kept telling me to get help, he kept supporting me, I was just too scared to see a therapist for personal reasons. I was too mean too often and he left me and my life is in shambles. I'm starting therapy this week but it's too late to get him back. The most conflicting thing is feeling so much love and passion in one moment but then realizing that at literally any moment I'm capable of snapping and hurting people without even realizing what I'm doing. It's so unintentional and people know that and the saddest thing is realizing that even though some people recognize that it's out of my control, there's still a breaking point for everyone, and I fucking hurt someone I love so deeply that they just couldn't take it anymore. The worst feeling is the fact that I really didn't mean it, I don't even feel like I did it - when I was so fucking mean it wasn't me, it was like glue was stuck in my head and I was just getting taken over by an invader. I don't feel like anything or anyone, my identity is gone, I don't have any motivation to keep up with my school work or go out with friends. I'm hoping that therapy will help me but for the time being I've lost the most important thing in my life, the thing I made my entire life revolve around. I hurt myself, I'm so upset that I'm capable of feeling such strong love for someone and yet my brain can just flick a switch and suddenly I'm apathetic. I'm so fucking upset because this was so fucking preventable. If I had gotten help 2 months ago I can almost guarantee that we would be a happy couple and I would be a healthier person. I could have prevented this and he tried so hard to stay but I just made him hate me over time because I can't control myself. I'm so lost, I don't know what to do, I can't assess my emotions except to say that I'm in a constant blur on the verge of a meltdown. I don't know what to do, I've never lost someone like this, I want to get healthy and get over this but for the time being I don't see a purpose in living a life without him - even if he wants to be friends, it's over, I acted too ugly, he doesn't love me, I drove him away. I thought I was going to be with him forever and now I have to restructure my entire existence and at therapy I'm going to have to talk about it and relive it all again in the middle of trying my best to not think about it. I just don't know what to do