TLDR: The youth I never had will haunt me forever. 

Context: I was diagnosed with classical autism as a child and it basically ruined my life. Sure I was given early speech therapy intervention and seen as a "lucky case" for not being clinically retarded, verbal, and not spaced out 24/7 and inflicting self harm, my diagnosis was even changed to Aspergers (back when that term was still used by psychologists), but it still utterly wrecked my life.

I won't get into my pitiful and embarrassing life story even further, but the end result is I have no life, no friends, no hobbies, barely any education pass elementary school, and am here nearing 30 a fat ugly virgin. A female at that, even more impressively sad and rare.

Now, I've accepted for a few years that I will never be loved for who I am, I would seriously question the judgement and character of anyone who did. This wouldn't bother me so much if I at least was validated as a sexually attractive being, the kind of woman who gets catcalled no matter what she's wearing and can easily hookup with reasonably good looking average men. 

The problem is, not only was I cursed with extremely poor social skills both conversational and non verbal, I also had to be born a 3-4 that has repeatedly been mistaken as a guy in my preteen and teen years. Welp, since I can't control who I was born into being in the inside, I can at least change how I am on the outside right? Woops, on top of all that, I'm too poor to afford plastic surgery, a goal I've researched for myself and accepted I needed since my early 20s. 

I could have gotten a job maybe, but I've had so many bad and embarrassing experiences with people outside my family at school and in the general public. I've tried to avoid going out as much as possible for a good chunk of my life now, I don't need to endure any more humiliation if I can actively avoid it. Even without that I have terrible executive functioning, attention, and memory skills, I would be lucky if I ever kept a job longer than 1 week. 

So here I am, sad lonely and pathetic, a cautionary tale for anyone who wants kids. Someone who's starting to realize I'll never even have the basic human experience of a 20s lively sex and/or dating life, my face slowly aging and crushing the dream of being mistaken for 18-21. Someone who gets actively jealous and depressed of teenagers having sex lives. Realizing the fantasy of a youth and young adulthood with new experiences outside my bedroom, of being seen by others even if only as a pretty piece of meat instead of a freak to be giggled at as I pass by strangers, will never be. It will be something I will always be looking at through a rear view window getting farther and farther away, more unobtainable by the day. 

Feel free to have no sympathy and think I'm a bad shallow person and that I have no reason to be depressed, or that I brought my problems on myself. I just needed to vent this out.