tw: fp, relationship loss, hopelessness 

an online friend (who is def my FP) and i crossed a ton of boundaries after i just......didn't tell him my partner of 9+ years &amp; i were going monogamous. i didn't want to lose my FP so we kept sexting, talking every day, and planning meet ups. for over a year. and of course i got caught. i had to block my FP and his wife. i send a message to him explaining why and never got a response, and now i can't. i love my partner but the feeling of losing my FP is devastating - i can't stop weeping, catastrophizing, and throwing up from grief. i know this is the right decision for my relationship but holy sh\*t it feels like i am never going to be okay.  and of course my reaction is just making me feel crazier which is making it all so much worse. 

i don't know what to do. all i want to do is unblock him and reach out but even if i did, i know he thinks i'm a fking basket case now. he's been there for me through so much splitting and freak-outs but no one would want to deal with this. my partner is being understanding about my reaction but even that just hurts.