 

I wake up in the morning and cry. I cry at my desk while I work. I cry quietly at night before I go to bed.

I used to travel. I used to spend lots of time in the outdoors. I have a wife and a few month old child. My wife insists on living in one of the most expensive counties in the United States. We can't afford to move. I pay all the bills on a single income while she stays home. I'm too exhausted to exercise and I don't care anymore. My wife says my hobby is too much of a priority to me so I don't do it anymore.

I look at new jobs to make more money to support them. I still won't be able to save enough to do anything different. I can't afford the child support if I divorce and still live near my child.

I had hopes and dreams while I was still young enough and healthy to do them. But all I'm going to do is work for my wife and kid. And cry. Again. Right now in fact.

I can't invest enough. I can't save enough. I drive a 14 year old car with multiple issues. It looks like shit. I can't afford a new one.

I have a wife, a kid, and dogs. Everyone else needs to be taken care of before I am. I want to delete my Facebook account and forget about things I did. Burn the memories. Take down the pictures of places I went before all this started.

I hate my fucking life. I can't fucking change any of it. I'm trapped in an endless groundhog day of hell.

And I cry again. I'm on antidepressants. My blood pressure and cholesterol are high. I've been gaining weight.

I lost most of my friends. I have no time to have them.

I hate my fucking life. I think about suicide every day. That they'd be better off without me being a crying mess. That my daughter deserves more than this as a father.