I've had panic attacks for about 15 years. I've tried a variety of medications and therapy. When I talked about my anxiety I would always say **"I'm not really an anxious person, these attacks just come out of nowhere."** 

Recently I started reading a workbook recommended on this sub called "Mastery of Your Anxiety and Panic" -- I started it, because my panic attacks have gotten much worse since COVID and my agoraphobia has worsened (I fear leaving the house and being in loud/noisy/trapped places, primarily driving and going to malls or stores). 

In reading this book I've realized that anxiety and panic are different (big duh I guess) and that while the panic attacks cause me the most pain, I definitely **do** have anxiety, and they are linked. 

Things I didn't realize meant I was anxious: always getting places an hour early, drowning myself in work and loving how I feel when I'm busy, creating to-do lists all the time, constantly thinking about a million things at once, worrying about things that may never happen constantly, worrying incessantly about how people perceive me, a persistent lingering thought about dying. A lot of these traits helped me be good at life. I'm known to be a good friend (I always remember to send birthday cards) and I'm punctual and hyper-organized (so I thrive at work).

But those obsessive thoughts about being early, preparing for every eventuality, always detailing every detail of a trip, google mapping everywhere (even places I know well)... it made me realize that my body holds this TENSION. I am ALWAYS tense. I realized it's not necessarily "normal" to always be TENSE. And the tension I feel and the anxiety about the future was generating the perfect conditions for me to experience panic. 

I'm about 1/3 of the way through this workbook but today I drove my car and went into two stores. I used to do these things pre-COVID with no issue (for the most part). Some parts of my anxiety are already a part of my personality (I still think showing up gently early to places is polite) but I'm going to try and teach myself to just let go a little bit. I'm hoping that accepting that I do have anxious tendances will allow me to control the panic attacks and leave the house/live like a normal person again.