Mom tells me putting dad in a home. Doesn’t explain it’s just a day care. I feel guilty and sad for him even though he is abusive and has been his whole life and now with Alzheimer’s he is worse and makes it impossible for my mother to treat her complex depression and advance in her career. He is impossible to live with peacefully. But I still felt enormous guilt and sadness. 

In less than one month, my mother and father caught Covid, my mother was hospitalized for her mental illness, I quit my job, I ended a situationship with a dude that didn’t want to progress into a relationship after almost 3 months of dating, my bank account got hacked and I was made to believe that my identity had been stolen, my funds drained, and that I had a police warrant for my arrest—all a sophisticated scam, my dog had a seizure, I got turned down in the first round of zoom interviews for my dream job in a city better suited to the one I,m in now (I hate it here), my dog had a seizure, I am in the process of moving to a city better suited to me because my current city is the most superficial place on earth and I absolutely despise it. I have wasted 3 years of my life here severely depressed bc I wanted to spend the pandemic near family. My life has not advanced here in any meaningful way and it’s become clear to me that living here is a major component of my depression, which I treat pharmaceutically w/on and off therapy that I am currently not participating in bc clearly I need to make actionable changes in my lifestyle to get beyond this low point and sitting around talking about how dissatisfied with my life I am while paying for it, has not had a measurable impact in my depression,  a huge component of which is lifestyle related. I feel as though I have destroyed my life in the last 3 years that I’ve been here, I have no fucking friends, I am uninterested in the culture here and I find most people repulsive, uneducated, uncultured, boring, and superficial. Then I give myself one day to run errands to continue getting my things in order before I start applying for jobs again and my mother tells me this shit. I am so over my life right now.  Oh did I mention I had an unexpected major purchase—a new car—because my old car stopped functioning. I am on anti depressants and some days it feels like I am just barely able to keep my head above water. My to-to list went to shit, I got into bed to cry, and now I’m hoping I can get it together in enough time to run the errands that I need to run in order to advance my toward my very achievable goals. Goals that suddenly feel meaningless because I have re-entered a mood of emotional exhaustion and a physical inertia that feels like the effect of gravity on my soul has tripled. Please pray for me or whatever you believe in that I got this and that I can get on my feet and at least complete one of the things I wanted to get done today. Of course, I immediately put myself through a barrage of negative self talk that put me back in bed wishing I could flip a switch and sleep on command.

Thanks to anyone who reads this and I hope you’re doing better than me.