Today, i called the psychology team who see me for my anxiety. It was a necessary call as I need to cancel my appointment for reasons I cannot disclose. But, understandably I was very scared to do so. 

I hate phone calls, because I cannot see what the other person is doing on the other end. I know they can potentially see unpleasant things about me - my search history, my address, my thoughts, my dreams. 

Anyway, after two hours of pacing and wondering how they were going to get to me, I bit the bullet and phoned up. 

the lady who answered wanted my name, my date of birth, and my address, all of which I was very reluctant to give over. She was firm but patient, I gave her my old address, rather than my current, which thankfully she accepted from me - another reason I’m grateful to have not updated my medical records.. 

I can’t let these people know who or what I am. I’m still waiting for the day the health services all find out about the monstrosities and knock down my door in the new town I live in. 

the worst part of the phone call was when she asked “WHY” I am cancelling the appointment. I told her I cannot disclose, but that it was personal, and I just can’t attend. She seemed suspicious, which threw me into a cycle of doubt and fear and anxiety. 

Will she know I’m lying? I don’t know if I can ever show my face to my doctors again. But they know me and how to contact me which is terrifying.

Does anyone else get anxiety like this? or feel like they need to go on the run and start a new life to hide from the evil thoughts? The past? The stress of holding someone else’s life together?