My emotions have been so erratic lately. I haven’t been diagnosed with BPD but have suspected I’ve had quiet BPD for a few years now. I can’t commit to a psychologist because I feel as if they don’t actually care, I present myself really well &amp; if my emotions aren’t negative it’s really hard for me to talk about how it made me feel.

I’m trying to diarise my emotions &amp; thoughts over 2 weeks so I can read out how I was feeling to a new psychologist I’m going to see.

I just feel like once I get in there I have a tendency to mask &amp; act completely fine. Yesterday I was having such a low day and thought about suicide the entire car ride to work, once I got to work, again I just pushed it down &amp; put on the facade that I’m fine! My boss asked me later in the day “are you okay” and I said “yes but even if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t tell you”, she literally said “I know”. I have such a problem doing that and then I get angry that people don’t dig deeper. Even if someone did, I would try so hard not to let anyone see! I feel that if I let people see the emotions I’m hoarding I’ll just explode with them! It’s so intense. My inside shake, cry &amp; fit at any inconvenience but my body is calm and my face smiles.

I need the psychologist to see me when I’m low otherwise I truely look like I’m fine. How do I express my emotions without lashing out but also showing I’m not okay inside? And why do I push it down in front of people even when I don’t want to?? Am I afraid of judgement? Does anyone else do this?