I feel sooo hopeless and empty right now. All i ever wanted was to have friends and be happy. But now that i have it , i always have this constant worry about losing it. I still remember the days when i used to look in the mirror and i couldn't even see myself properly but these days i cant look at the mirror without a smile. But i messed up. I have friends and family telling me i take everything as a joke and i dont take them seriously. The thing is i do take them seriously. Thats why i try so hard to always have a smile and be funny when i am around them so that they don't get bored of me. All i ever wanted to do was try to change and become someone else. Now that i did, i dont even know what i am. I literally have no emotions for myself. I can only be happy when i make someone else laugh and other times i feel like i am just being annoying and that everyone hates me. The thing is i always try to be energetic and try to hide away all my negative thoughts. I am always worrying about stuff and i dont even know how to stop it. I have a stutter too ever since i was a kid and i cant stop shaking no matter what. Everyday of my life feels like i am just trying to prove to myself that i am improving and i deserve to live. Seriously at this point i am not even sure whats wrong with me. All i ever wanted was hope but now that i have it , i am too fucking scared to lose it and its literally a nightmare. I am not even supposed to be alive, my mom told me that giving birth to me was the worst decision she ever made but for some reason i still dont want to die. I want to live and be happy for some reason. All i want is for someone to tell me that they care about me and mean it . But i know that they dont and it hurts me soo much. Like i try so hard to be there for them and let them know i care about them but they dont even see me as a person worth living for. I seriously have no one in this world and i think i am fine with it. But lately i have been feeling so helpless and i dont know what to do about it.