No, seriously, I can't be both. I have two kinds of friends. The ones I want to protect at all costs and the ones who protect me. There is no in between.

You either are a friend I rely on absolutely, who gives me strenght (mostly without you knowing it) or you are someone I want to give strenght, I don't want you to know of my depressive side, I just want you to see me as your strong, iron-willed friend, who is gonna protect you at all costs.

But once a friend I rely on shows me his weak sides (and I logically know that every person has weak moments) and show me they trust in me, I stop being the weakling forever. Now that friend is not someone I can rely on, because they of course will always need me as their perfect listener and shiny knight. No way I can go back to be the weakling. Because even tho I used to need you to help me feel better, to know about my problems, suddenly I don't trust you with them anymore. Because you were weak and I don't want you to shoulder the burden of my annoyance. *Because I'm sure you're gonna break under it.*

***

Thanks BPD brain. Of course people who start to trust you with their problems too are not trustworthy enough to help your with your own problems. You are better than them because equality is a lie and you need to be the "bigger" person now by protecting them. Come on, just be glad you can protect and be protected at the same time, dammit.