I’m so sick of not being able to control my emotions. I wish I could stop being the way that I am but I can’t and nobody seems to understand that. If it was as simple as just stopping the behavior I would’ve done that a long time ago. I don’t think people believe me when I say that it hurts me more to be this way than it does them. I’ve watched myself single-handedly ruin every relationship/friendship that I have. It’s like my brain is determined to self destruct. I feel like I’m living for little stolen moments of joy and yet I can’t seem to hold onto it. Everything else inbetween is a blur of emptiness and extreme negative emotions about everyone and everything. I don’t have the balls to commit suicide but I’m scared that one day I will and I’m also waiting for that day so I can finally get some relief. It feels like this is never gonna end. I’m stuck this way and nobody else should have to deal with me. I’m sorry for the long paragraph or the rant or if this makes anyone else start feeling bad about themselves I just had to get it out somewhere. I’m laying here in a ball crying my eyes out and I can’t stop it just feels like my whole body is on fire.