My husband strangled me over and over when I was having emotional episodes. He would also punch walls and break furniture. 
I would punch myself in the head and cry and scream. I twice broke a glass on the kitchen floor and I would beg him not to sleep or leave when we were arguing. The arguments were because he had hurt me or belittled me in some way. 
When he wasn’t violent or nasty, he was perfect. He would make food and get me drinks, do laundry and be affectionate. 
He was also drinking in secret throughout my pregnancy and when my baby was born. 
I caught him drinking while in sole care of our baby which scared me. We were also arguing a lot and I was typically bpd crazy. It wasn’t a good environment for our baby. I kicked him out one day when she was 10 weeks old. He never came back. He’s done this before where he’s left and I’ve had to beg him to come home. When he came to visit our baby, we would argue and it got worse and worse. In the end I told social services. 
I’m still desperate for him to get help and come home. He says he still loves me and wants to come home but is in the process of getting therapy. He says I have to wait. He says he is scared of me and of arguments happening. When we talk on the phone and he belittled me or talks to me with contempt, the arguments start all over again. 
I’m desperate for contact with him. I’m lost without him. I don’t know who I am. I have family support with the baby who is wonderful and healthy and has all needs met. But I want to feel part of a unit again. I think he thinks I’m harassing him. I don’t want space. I want love. I’m getting worse and worse and just want to die but if I abandon my child, I’m allowing my child to grow up with psychological issues like me. 

Help. Please.