It's so constant that it's difficult to notice after a while but occasionally I will get a few moments without it crushing me and I will realise how awful it normally is. 

I was watching a TV show today and I really like one of the characters and I was getting giddy at how much I enjoyed the scene they were in. It felt so light. So light and easy to just be happy to witness this character being themselves. Then the scene passed and all my worries and guilt and self hate flooded back in and that wonderful easy light was crushed entirely by the heavy weight I carry. 


I just wish I could be free from this weight but idk how to get rid of it