I really, really hate my brain. I'll be fine and laughing at stupid memes one minute, the next I'll be crying uncontrollably because I feel alone. I have thoughts about self harm and how far I'll have to stab my chest in order to hit my heart then all of a sudden I feel no emotion and the self harming thoughts leave my brain.

I make up scenarios in my head all the time. I think about how my mum and ex bf would react when I kill myself. I can't afford my rent this week so I know that I have no other option. I get so lost in my thoughts and day dreams to the point where I don't want to face the shit reality I'm in. I try and sleep most of the day so I can dream about weird shit that's better than my usual normal thoughts. 

I just hate how my meds aren't working anymore. I know I can change the dosage or the medication but then I think that I don't want to rely on them and I want to feel how my brain is wired to feel. 

I'm just all over the place. I hate myself.