God, I wish so desperately for the people closest to me to understand why I do the things I do, or say the things I say. I sit there and watch tears well up in the eyes of my beautiful human who has never been with anyone who has BPD and I see him trying so hard to be patient and loving but my behaviour has been so torturous for him he's in pain and wants to held and for me to console him and all I can think of is the trauma I have been exposed to and feeling so wounded myself. I feel so conflicted and ashamed, and I wish so badly I didn't have the maladaptive coping strategies that I do so that people around me didn't have to be exposed to such things. (I'm being very matter of fact but I suppose I really needed to vent that). I feel like an alien within my own body. Misaligned. Uncalibrated.    


I wish my humans could feel the amount of love I have for them without having to prove it to them. I sometimes feel like my forgotten water bottle that I've left in the sink under the running tap overflowing with so much emotion for one person I don't even know what to do with it. I wish I could lightly pass my fingertips over theirs transfering all related emotions and thoughts and they would just know how much I want them in my life. 

Being in love is hard. Honest and open communication is hard. But I am getting better...slowly. (DBT is a godsend). Even though this post is relatively negative I do want you to know that I do have hope still within me and I am doing my best and I KNOW I can do better. Love to you all and wish me luck friends, I wish all you the most sincere luck in the world. We've got this, and I am grateful for this community.