I broke up with a boyfriend of 6 months almost 3 months ago. I met him from a dating app and we knew immediately we liked each other started being together in a short amount of time. It was all around a healthy relationship, I did my best to always stop my symptoms from damaging the relationship and took up responsibility when it did. He used to be so kind, so sure that he loved me and that I was good for him. I really loved him. I really did but he couldn’t and didn’t want to be with me, because he needed space. He couldn’t be there for me. I was grieving and hysterical for a few days but eventually was okay because I had gone through a much worse breakup a few years ago. 

A month passed and we had texted here and there. I couldn’t take not knowing if he still felt something. If he still wanted to be with me. He didn’t. And I didn’t want to be friends for so many reasons but he didn’t like them and blocked me.

Since then I’ve been a wreck. I have good productive days but for the most part, but I have been going out so much more, drinking much more, getting high more often. But its not to the point where anyone is really concerned because its a normal amount for any 20 something who goes out every so often but I feel like its significant. I even started seeing a guy 14 years older than me and at first it felt so dirty because I only wanted sex but I’ve come around to like him enough. He’s a decent guy and every time after I have sex with him, he would run his hand through my hair, stroke my cheek, just be very affectionate and now I crave it just as much as I crave getting a drink or smoking a joint. I’ve never had sex with someone I wasn’t in a relationship with, which is why this behavior is so crazy to me.

I am not addicted to alcohol or weed or even sex in a real sense but emotionally I feel so out of control. I never drink too much or get too high, but I do both pretty often. Sometimes I find myself feeling especially empty and it turns out its because I haven’t been fully sober for the last week. I feel so untethered and unloved and worthless because the one good relationship I had still ended with someone leaving me.

I guess I’m trying to say, being at this point is hard because I’ve been worse. And I don’t like that. I feel like I should just freefall and give in because what is the point of working so hard to be good when its not worth it? When someone leaves you anyway? Ive worked so hard to get where I am now but all I want to do is throw it away, be the desperate, crazy person that I feel I am. I want to see how deep the whole goes, keep digging through my rock bottom so I’m finally irredeemable, no argument.