Sorry this is long. I am regularly very angry with my partner because he doesn't do chores without nagging. Most recently he has blamed it on learning that he has arthritis, that is why he has not been actively parenting our child during the day letting our child be on a screen a maximum amount. That is why he has not done the dishes (he previously agreed to do them once before he leaves for work). He thinks I am a heartless bitch because I expect him to pull his weight at home on a regular basis rather than accept all his reasons for not doing that. He has ADHD and depression. I have anxiety and BPD traits but somehow also manage to be the breadwinner, do most of the cooking and cleaning, remind him for every little thing that needs to be done, manage the finances and oversee the structured aspects of parenting. He helps with childcare, and will give me a break when I ask for one if he can, but that's all I can reliably expect from him. He has some medical issues also, but I force myself to still function and I resent that he's not also doing that because everything he doesn't take care of falls on me.

Thing is, I cannot tell when I am using these things to split and when I am upset about things that a non-BPD type of person would be. Several people have said my husband sounds like a narcissist but they only hear my side, and they usually only hear me talk when I'm upset with him so I do not know what to believe. (If he is a narc he is a covert one and generally hides it well.) He can be a patient and kind person. When I truly CANNOT function due to BPD episodes/symptoms, severe anxiety or chronic medical problems, he takes over just enough that things do not totally fall apart but he does the bare minimum so when I feel better I have to get caught up on everything that should have gotten handled while I was down for the count. 

I don't know what going on with us is my BPD traits and splitting, what is normal for a relationship where there is severe ADHD, what is actually him manipulating and taking advantage of me, or what. I never know if I am justified in seeing his behavior in a negative light. He gaslights me that I overreact to everything and he just can't ever make me happy so he doesn't try anymore but literally what I am asking for is to do dishes once before going to work (he works nights), be sure the kitchen is clean enough to not attract pests overnight, and manage his schedule/track tasks on a white board, and speak to me with a decent attitude instead of either ignoring me or sounding awful in his tone when he talks to me. (We have company at home at the moment and he talks to the company so much nicer than he does to me, it hurts my feelings and I feel like it's because I need him to do adult stuff he doesn't want to do.)

So how do you tell if you are splitting or if you are reacting to things that are justifiable to be upset about? At this point he refuses to communicate or problem solve so I pretty quickly say fine we should end the relationship then. I'm at the end of my rope here and he's got me convinced that my rage is BPD stuff rather than my partner isn't pulling his weight stuff. He says he's never good enough but I feel like I am asking for very little here. How do you know if you are being manipulated? 

Tl;dr My husband is bad at pulling his weight as a partner and I can't tell if I am splitting or he's manipulating me into not having reasonable expectations.