My best friend is getting married this month. I haven't been a good friend to her in a couple of years due to my mental health. I just disappeared. She even contacted me a while back to tell me about the wedding and to make sure I'm ok and made me promise I'd attend cuz she loves me more than anyone else. I can't tell her I won't be attending.

Over the last 2 years I slowly left every friends group I'm in and deactivated most of my socials. Every now and then I do check on my friends and smile to myself to see them all doing well. I love and miss them so much but I feel like I would be making them sad unnecessarily. They're all doing good and moving on forward with their lives the way they've always dreamed about and I don't want to put a damper on things.

Now the only people in my life are my parents and my partner. I used to call my parents every day but that's reduced to once every 4-5 days now. I'm filled with dread and anxiety when I think about calling them. I can't wait to get off the phone once I do talk to them. 

My partner.. he's perfect. He's kind, gentle, empathetic, always looks out for me, has my back, shows and tells me how much he loves me or how attracted he is to me, etc. He's the most amazing person ever. I've known him my whole life and have never seen anyone more genuine. 

I hate that I'm such a negative presence in his life. He deserves someone who would go out and do things with him. Who meets friends with him. Who takes care of herself for him. Who is not a fucking leech and a mooch. I don't ask him and never expect him to pay for things but since I haven't been able to work full time due to my depression, he pays without making me think about it. I hate that. He shouldn't have to. 

He paid off my credit card because he say that I was worried since my freelance work was slow at that time. He bought me an iPad and a computer so I can sell my art that I love doing. He keeps investing in me because he loves me and believes in me more than I could ever. I cried and the second he surprised me with the computer. I thanked him and said please return it. 

I can't accept his kindness and love in such a selfish manner. I'm not a good person for him. He deserves to be showered with affection too. I do constantly tell him how amazing he is because he is and I catch myself just looking at him and smiling cuz just his presence is so... Safe and filled with love.

But here's the thing.. his family gave him an ultimatum. Them or me. He cried and cried and cried and chose them. Now I'm losing him, our baby cat and my home. 

I cannot go back to my parents since my mental health issues stem from them. One parent was an abusive alcoholic when I was growing up, got help when I left home and is doing better. But won't acknowledge that constantly threatening to kill themselves took a toll on 14 year old me. For years. Now they hold me to the same standard as my classmates/cousins who grew up in "normal" households. They ask why I'm not as successful or ambitious as them. Well.. I never thought I'd make it past 17 tbh. 

At 14, I once dropped a bowl of cereal by mistake and ended up having a pencil heel shoved against my throat because I woke my parent up from their nap. I was kicked out multiple times for similar stuff. But I understand all of it since my parent suffered a brain injury from a vehicular accident when I was 13. I understand. I hate that I understand And that I don't hold it against them fully.

But I do wish they would at least acknowledge that I didn't have the good childhood they think I did. My other parent stood by as I was abused because they didn't want to face the fact that they needed to get help. Both of them expected 14-19 year old me to be the understanding one and I was.

Now I'm glad I have my parent back. I'm grateful they both paid for my education and actually sacrificed a LOT of money for my higher education. I tried and tried to get a good job and pay them back. But.. I kept getting rejected. I eventually couldn't try anymore. (Years later)

Now.. they constantly hold it against me that they spent so much and I am so unsuccessful. That everyone else is earning so much. That they sacrificed so much for me. I'm very thankful. I really do appreciate it. But I'M FUCKING STUCK GOD DAMN IT. I got therapy!!! I got medicated!! I TRIED EVERYTHING!! I studied HARD and did all my master's projects on my own and got straight As!!! I did every fucking thing but nothing worked out in the end!! Now I'm even losing the one person who gave me the strength to have hope for 12 years!!!!! 

I'm fucking hurting and no one fucking understands. I just want it all to end. I'm sick of being so useless and a burden. I'm sick of dragging everyone down with me. I'm sick of never being happy. It's been constant downs for 14 years.

Not to mention I can't have kids, I'm losing my hair, I have severe skin issues and weight issues.. it's everything.

The only good thing I can think of is that I had the privilege of finding genuine love and the best fur baby for a while. Now I have to say bye to them. I'm scared. Please make it stop.