The problem when I'm SO angry is that at the moment, I feel absolutely convinced that I have every right to be angry and the person in question is really one of the most horrible people on Earth.


Over a month ago his mom died and he had to leave for awhile to go the funeral and help his dad out. He didn't talk to me that much and was noticeably annoyed with me every night. He alluded to breaking up when he got back ("I don't want to do this over the phone but we should talk when we get back").



We've been together for over a year but it's _never_ been great. Like every relationship I have _ever_ had, it's been extremely rocky and as hard as I try to understand why, I can't break the pattern.



When he got back home after a 15 hour drive at 3 AM he immediately broke up with me. Saying his feelings had changed and that he didn't miss me when he was gone. I didn't fight it, I was just like, "ok, I'll figure out how to move my stuff in the morning. I'd like to sleep now."




Less than 12 hours later, he changed his mind. Tried to explain that when he was away he didn't miss the fighting and that he still loved me, blah blah blah. So at the time, I was back in his arms. Also...his mom had just died, so maybe I should be cutting him a break or something.




But right now, it's much easier to just fucking hate him. He abandoned me and I hate people who abandon me. I've left the house as a new method to deal with my splitting. I think it's better than sticking around and finding something to fight over. I mean, I'd bring the past up and he'll tell me:



"You're always accusing me of being a bad person and always bringing up examples of why I'm a bad person and I can't take it anymore."




It's a large part of why he wanted to break up and my head is like "well yeah duh...you were a bad person and I must make you see that!"





But it would be like if someone always picked out my lowest moments and never acknowledged the myriad of other things I do that aren't bad. Fuck, I just hate him so much right now. I want him to cry and feel guilty for hurting me. He hurt me so badly.




And it's not like a one time thing. It's an up and down constantly thing and I think any other logical person would break up. I've never been able to break up with someone I still love. I either wait until they stop loving me or my feelings have changed (which has only ever happened once but man I wish it would happen again right now).




Part of me is glad I've chosen to leave instead of sticking around and totally unleashing my wrath. But a larger part of me worries that these are just all things I can never get past and will never be able to have a healthy relationship with him.



....but I've never had a healthy relationship...ever. I would like that so much. I'd like to hear about a BPD person who's managed to have a healthy relationship.