Hi. About 4 months ago I lost my grandma unexpectedly. She was the person that raised me given that my parents worked all the time and never got leave. The most selfless and kind person ever. Tbh I feel like she was the only person that truly cared about me and loved me unconditionally. For reference when she passed I was finishing year 11 and this year is my final. My birthday is in 3 days and I just can’t do it anymore. Every year around this time my depression worsens but this time it’s far worse. She was the light in my life and now that she’s gone I see no point in living. I just feel so alone and I have no one to talk to without fear and judgement. Every night I cry myself to sleep and for whatever reason I can’t even grasp that she’s dead. I can’t accept it and I’ve become suicidal. 

I graduate may 2022 and about 20 days before she died, we were talking about how next year I have to celebrate. I was showing her dress ideas and she said that she hopes she will be alive to see me graduate. I remember saying- of course you will be alive, you are not going anywhere. haha I was very wrong. I can’t even describe the pain I feel, I betrayed her and promised something that I didn’t fulfill. I hate myself because of that. If I was there I could’ve saved her. 

I dream of her all the time. There are nightmares but not scary rather very sad. This particular dream haunts me for a month now- me and my mum were at her place(she lived in a different town about 2 hour away). At a certain point I realised that she is going to die but we were supposed to head back. I begged and cried to my mum to let me stay with grandma but she shouted at me to leave. I hugged her and kissed her and she told me not to cry and that she loved me. We were to see again. 

I just wanted to share how I feel and ask if you have lost a loved one to who you were very attached to- how did you deal with the pain and allowed yourself to grief properly?