I don't know if this coincides with my BPD, or just how I grew up in general (which just leads to my BPD anyway so...)

I have this MAJOR fear of being successful, and when I do have large bits of what I feel like is a success, I tone it down a few notches after such events.

I am active duty military, and I work in media. But I constantly bar myself and my 'talent'. I got meritoriously promoted last year, and after that, I just... forced myself into a plateau of sorts. Like, "Well, I accomplished something that is very hard to do in my community... this is my precipice, better sit my ass down in the corner!"

I constantly have thoughts like these:

* I could further my photography, but why? I don't want to get too good!
* I could better my podcast production skills, but.. then I would be a subject matter expert and that's too much for me to handle.
* I could work on my videography and production skills, but I am afraid of regional emmys, so why would I want to do that?

I always find a way to talk myself down off the pillar of getting good at something, and I just ride out the mediocre. I don't know why.

It's been like that for years with me though. Even the thought of being good or great at something scares the everliving f\*ck out of me.

Is this an issue for anyone else? Do you think it aligns with your BPD?