My boyfriend and I have been living together for four years and he has a 25-year-old son with BPD. He's been living with us about a month now. He'd been living in the city that we had rented but the lease is over and he doesn't want to live there anymore. With COVID-19 around, we couldn't know what to do and we're actually happy he accepted to live with us for a while.He is a college graduate but currently doesn't have a job. Right now, our finances don't allow us to rent him a house, either. So for this while, we are saving for him.

One thing is he doesn't know his diagnosis. He's been on and off therapy and meds. He's been now off for more than a year, and he refuses any type of treatment. The last therapist and psychiatrist both diagnosed him but they didn't say the diagnosis directly to him. Instead, we called them and they told us the diagnosis and warned us to be careful about not to mention the diagnosis to him. They told us to join BPD help sites, read the books on BPD, and they told him he has bipolar. Hearing this from him, we called again and they said that BPD definitely exists and bipolar II could be a comorbid issue. I don't know why they hid the diagnosis but he quit before they were able to talk openly about it. Also, our therapists said it was not our place to relay the diagnosis on him, so we kept silent about it.

His father and I both are seeing therapists. I am a highly sensitive person with depressive disorder due to some life trauma I have to go through. I'm on antidepressants. We've read many books on BPD and bipolar.

The thing is there are so many ups and downs, and I am already damaged. I'm sensitive to high sounds and if someone yells I shiver, and get physically sick, and I have to work through it. His father and I have two or three heated discussions but never had a loud fight for four years and we're happy.

My boyfriend went through some stuff, too and physically, he doesn't have healthy lungs. With the COVID, he is in a high-risk group and we cannot leave house to have fun. We barely started going to the supermarkets with mask and gloves. We hate it but right now, we can't put him at risk. We are also working from home but we don't have established office hours. My boyfriend starts working sometimes at 7 am and finishes around 9 pm, or sometimes midnight. My schedule is not as rough as him but I don't have weekends to myself, either. We have to make money to support everyone.

We love his son, we love living together with him, too but we fight mostly about food. He also refuses to do his laundry, nor lets us to do it. He has a peculiar taste and doesn't like what I cook. I shop for him, I buy anything he wants, I am trying new recipes every day. I also cook some "emergency food" in case he doesn't like the food I cook but they're mostly frozen stuff. We said to him he can cook if he doesn't like my food and I said to him help me and he agreed but he doesn't. I know he's hurting, we always let him know we love him but his father is short-tempered, too and their fights make me literally sick. My boss lashed out on me because I was at a supermarket when I was supposed to be working. I didn't tell him that not to make him feel guilty. In the evening, he lashed at his father because he didn't like the food, he hadn't eaten any meals in three days and I didn't know how to cook. I know how much he must be hurting and how much he needs help. The fridge is stocked but I don't know what to cook anymore. His father said "You can cook whatever you want, the kitchen is yours" but he said it in an angry tone and the reply was "I'm leaving the house. You are garbage people without any vision or culture, anyway. Why should I listen to you". Both were shaking of anger. Then, some previous issues resurfaced and it got bigger. It is becoming very hard to believe that he hates himself for it when he is now on the phone with other people insulting us, how we are garbage people. What I write seem most on our side and how angelic we are. We are not, no one is but we're really really trying so hard. I feel hopeless for all of us. I haven't eaten for 24 hours because there has been a fight about food, and I don't know how he'll feel if I eat. I'm scared.

My therapist says we cannot convince him for therapy and meds, he has to make his decision for himself but none of us can live like this. I cannot spend any more time cooking food for which I will be insulted. He has a history of occasionally being violent but nothing big enough to be not swept under the rug. I was never that scared of someone and I'm confused. I can't be angry with his father, too because he's learnt and grown so much in these years. To be fair, I feel he's mostly right. His tone is occasionally not right. Both are really pushing their their weak spots when they fight.  I no longer speak at home about anything other than daily chats because I don't know which word will trigger a fight.

What can we do? We are all tired. We all feel our home is not a home anymore. How can we take care of each other?