So since march ive been really unwell pyhiscally with a whole load of symptoms. Alot of them i havent told my doctor about for multiple reasons and i do not trust the nhs right now ( paranioa issues)

Anyway i did tell them about a few the symptoms and they did a blood test, chest xray and im waiting for a stomach ultra sound scan.

My other issues are with my throat, sinuses, ears , neck and heart rate dropping too low and breathing issues. Im sure my supraclivcal lyph nodes been swollen since march.

Anyway i had in my head i was dying, i felt so ill for so many months and still do i was sure i had something i was going to die from but i didnt care. I want to die. Ive tried commit suicide multiple times and come so close but always felt guilty. I just wanted to die and be able to be guilt free if i cant help if its not my fault i got a health condition and died.

My chest xray is fine. My blood test only shows extreme vitimin d defficeneny. I still waiting for my stomach scan. But if my blood test is clear then i dont have cancer or anything major wrong and im major dissapointed. My only hope now is my stomach pains after eating are result of enlarged spleen again which they found in 2019 and that turns out to be serious.

Im pretty sure ive damaged my heart by a previous suicide attempt. My heart rate drops to low and then i can hardly breath. Its actaully very scary when it happens but i hope i die even still.

I know it sounds so selfish when there people with cancer ect. Who want to live.

The voices in my head are telling me just to end my life myself and not wait to see if i am dying.

Ive been so pyhsically ill and in so much pyhsical pain and discomfort but i refuse to talk to the doctor about 80 percent of my issues because of several reasons.

Im not going to go kill myself right now so please dont worry but i really do want to die. I wish a natural death was coming my way but im only 30 years old. Yet the last 6 months ive felt so horribly ill.

I just want to die and not feel guilty for it. Im so dissapointed. I was relying on the blood test news being abnormal so that i knew my time was coming to a end finally.

Ive been suicidal since a child from abuse.  Im mentally tormented every day.