I'm not looking for a diagnosis I'm just looking for advice not sure if I'm bipolar or BPD. I haven't been diagnosed with bipolar disorder because I've been holding back for so long to my psychiatrist because I'm scared of hospitalization. I was hospitalized when I was 14. I had a very bad experience. I'm not trying to self-diagnose I know there's something wrong with me and it's not just depression. Prozac will not do anything for me because it's not just depression. I'm very very sick. When something bad happens to someone they have an appropriate emotional response to the situation. I react to a bad situation so much more intensely to the point where I'm completely irrational and my emotions are all over the place. I will flip out cry and Have irrational actions that have consequences that I don't think about and a point because I'm so overwhelmed and I react so intensely to the situation to the point where it makes me suicidal. I flip out I'll start screaming and crying and doing irrational things I feel like I can just go out and do a line of coke or I should just leave  where I am and do anyting including self-mutilation. Where as a normal person might just become a little upset they wouldn't react as intensely as I do. In public one day I looked unhygienic my hair was tangled. and there was a man talking to another man in the mall and he looked at me and I knew he was talking about me even though I didn't hear what he was saying. since he looked at me and that made me think he was talking about me and I started crying and went over to him and confronted him and told him he doesn't know what I'm going through right now. it's hard to take care of myself and I'm going through this. looking back at that there was no evidence that he was actually talking about me but I do get very paranoid and have delusions to the point were I feel people are talking about me or they hate me which validates why I shouldn't be here. In my paranoia and delusions I feel like people want bad things to happen to me or they hate me and think I'm worthless to the point where I'll start crying and become irrational. 10 months ago I  was driving with a guy I liked and knew he wanted something bad to happen to me or he wanted me to get in a car accident so I started screaming and crying in the car and made him pull over on the highway. I was so upset he said I was a fucked up bitch. I went to a hotel and idealized mutilating myself in the bathtub. I have very bad intrusive thoughts. From November through January I had a bad depressive episode I laid in bed for that full-time crying not eating much sleeping the whole time not showering not changing my clothes leaving dirty bowls in my bedroom to the point where there were roaches in my room and no one in my family care to check up on me at all they didn't care about me at all I live with my parents I'm 18 now but when I was depressed episode I was still 17. I was a minor who should have been hospitalized the whole time I was suicidal and having intrusive thoughts about self-mutilation. Right now I am Manic and has been up for 48 hours without sleep I didn't even have caffeine I have so much energy to the point where I feel like I could just go out and do a line of coke and I can go to Los Angeles and do anything. I feel like if I tell my psychiatrist this I will be hospitalized and I'm so scared to be hospitalized since I had a traumatic experience my last hospitalization. If I'm talking to someone I feel like they hate me because I overanalyze their tone in your voice and their gestures to the point where I feel that they hate me and they want something bad to happen to me I can't go to the doctor because I feel like he wants something bad to happen to me and he hates me because I'm lower than him as a person and for that I don't like him. And he doesn't feel that I'm worth living to the point where I take none of his medical advice cuz I think he has it out for me since I overanalyze this tone and feel so intensely. It's so frustrating not being able to tell psychiatrist how I feel because I need to get on medication to move on with my life.