I am in the middle of a fucking nightmare. It's so bad. I can't think straight. I keep running away. I'm hiding in a bathroom. Nobody knows where I am. Everything hurts. It's like being shocked in the spine with electricity every time the thoughts happen. I can't deal with this. I am very compelled to rip my chest open with my bare hands and pull my fucking heart out. Nothing has ever been this bad. I don't know what to do. My fiancé told me so many vivid details of her sex life before she met me and then I gave myself nicotine poisoning to cope but it didn't help. Why did I ask her to do that? I was already in a bad place and I think my compulsion to know more just took over. It was such a bad idea. Why did I tell her to do that? I am so stupid.