I have been through this once and I know I am capable of going through it again but I know the meds will take some time to make me feel better and I am so scared of hitting the rock bottom before that. I feel nothing most of the time but once in a while I feel negative emotions gushing inside and the guilt overwhelms me. I am already tired of smiling when I don't feel like smiling. I am tired of pretending to be ok when I am not and I know what exactly comes after.   

&amp;#x200B;

Passive thoughts have already made its way to the back of my head. I have found myself thinking about wishing for my plane to crash and very recently, I was wishing for my car to get into an accident. I don't want to find myself on the edge of my balcony once again like I did back then. I have no plans of doing any harm to me as of now but I don't know how long is that going to last because the concept of death has once again lost its  eeriness to me. Or maybe it was never lost but I just stopped thinking about it before.

&amp;#x200B;

And I know that I have a choice to not pretend and act exactly how I am feeling but I am so afraid of pushing people away only to lose them for forever. I have done that before. People say that those people don't deserve you if they can't love you at your worst but even I don't like myself right now. I think I'm worthless. Why should I expect anyone to stick by me, as in the real me who is not pretending, when even I can't handle myself?