Personally, I haven't been doing much or doing well. I managed to pretty much alienate my sister in a fit of anger, which sucks because I love her and it meant I missed my one chance to see her and my nieces and nephews for the first time in years. Dunno when I'll get that chance again. My other siblings don't talk to me and I don't really have friends. My old FP gave me some hope we'd be friends again and is now straight up ignoring me rather than making excuses for why we can't hang. People just suck. Rather, I guess I just suck at being good to other people.

I did manage to get myself to a psych eval at a new hospital. The psychiatrist I saw was really great. Nice woman, super sweet and understanding. After a loooong session of going over the usual stuff we ended up updating my dx and that really got me feeling down. Schizoaffective bipolar, ADHD, BPD, (a still-provisional dx of) OCD... it just makes me feel bad about myself. I feel like some kind of stupid Tumblr stereotype and it feels hard to see myself as a person with any value with such a laundry list of ways I'm broken as an individual. On the bright side she prescribed the meds I've been needing and I don't have to go through with my initial/backup plan of going inpatient again.

I just don't know where to go from here support-wise I guess. The few (read: two) friends I do have aren't helpful - not in a harmful way, they just don't experience things like this really - and I don't know how to make new ones. My fiance is great and I love him, but obviously it's unfair to put all of my problems on him and expect him to baby me. I have one new friend maybe, but I think he just wants to get in my pants. He's been persistently trying to get me to hang out for like two years now after we hung out a few times and had sex once. That feels nice knowing someone wants me but I don't want to fall into old patterns like that again or get involved with someone who isn't emotionally invested. Being objectified is a short-lived excitement that usually gives way to feeling bad about myself.

Anyway... How are you guys doing? Got any fun plans for the weekend?




^^also, ^^do ^^we ^^do ^^weekly ^^check-in ^^threads ^^here? ^^i ^^mostly ^^lurk ^^so ^^i'm ^^not ^^sure.