I hate self diagnosing and I hate when people tell me to stop and get some professional help. So please don’t tell me that, I am looking for advice so I can get better on my own. 

Many of my actions and my everyday life relates to BPD, not gonna day I have it but I go through many of these symptoms. I’ll list them,

- Attention seeking
- Unstable emotions (roller coaster)
- Too attached
- Scared of being alone
- Self-harm (drugs)
- Suicidal thoughts, thoughts of being unwanted and unloved
- Pushing people away
- Mania episodes
- Paranoia 
- Mood swings

I mean I can go on, but I am starting to realize that I am getting worse and I start to feel guilty about my behavior because I want someone to understand me but it’s so difficult when you can’t even understand yourself. So you try to look for an understanding in other people. I’m very smart, and I want to me a psychologist in my future career, or nurse, but I can’t go around helping others when I can’t help myself. So if anyone here deals with similar issues, could you please leave some advice on how I can calm myself down? 

I also deal with anxiety, I have these episodes where if I get triggered, for example getting blocked for no reason by my FP, I will shake and cry and cry. I feel like I’m dying and then after I feel so shitty for acting up like that. I can’t give people space, I’m petty, I’m a bitch.