This post is going to be in shambles bc i never rlly use reddit but i just feel so hopeless and need to get this off my chest.

Just to clarify i am M19 and am gay if that is important 

Idek where to start but here i go

I am constantly in a battle with myself when it comes to this bc I never want to be one of those people who just self diagnose themselves with things and think it’s quirky or whatever. But the feelings and thoughts i have had have left me to no other conclusion other than that i have bpd.

I am constantly feeling ashamed of myself and feel extremely guilty for existing. I’m talking like extreme paralysing feelings of this, feeling hopelessness, constantly thinking i’m a bad person, wondering if I am real, if what i went through was real, like i just literally do not know if what i am, how am i acting is real. I live in fear of myself, fear of others finding out what i truly am. I feel like a disgusting monster who needs to commit suicide. I feel like an abuser, i feel abused. 

I have had a lot of traumatic experiences in my life, but i can’t tell if they were ‘really that bad’ or if they were actually that bad. I constantly feel like i am overreacting to everything. I feel misunderstood, no one will ever feel the way i do. Not to mention the literal debilitating feeling of alienation, i belong nowhere in this world. I feel manipulative, i feel like i’m a gaslighter. I have extreme intense anger and rage, where i have thoughts that i never would say out loud out of fear. I literally am not in control of my body during these episodes and i have said and done things that will forever paralyse me with guilt and shame for the rest of my life. 

Whenever anything happens to me negatively, even if it is extremely minor my brain automatically goes to “i need to kms”. It is torture. I am in a relationship atm and i absolutely adore and love my partner, i have said some horrible things to them during these ‘episodes’ that i will never forgive myself for. But even then, i sit there and question if my love for them is real or do i just need them bc they make me feel like i belong somewhere. 

I have recently been kicked out and am living with my boyfriend. I am feeling so incredibly disconnected and alienated from society but i need them. I want to be better but i just don’t know how tell a doctor this, mainly bc my head is so fucked up and i can’t speak my thoughts and bc i am in another country pretty much and have no way of seeing a doctor anyways. I just need so advice and if u are still here thank you for listening. 

There is so much more i want to say but now that it has come to it my brain has gone empty.