\*\*I am not saying I'm going to kill myself this is just how I feel, if I really wanted to kill myself I would have done it already right?\*\* I also won't name the cult since it might be seen as religion shaming. But I do want to say that I still mentally struggle to this day with anxiety and nightmares about Armageddon. That not being around other humans in my life has fucked me over and I don't think I can fix myself. I felt nervous when I was at a dinner and we were told to hold hands because we were going to pray. As stupid as that sounds, it's just the way that I felt. It doesn't have to be right or wrong. All I know is I was not allowed to question anything and women are treated like second class citizens in that cult.  

I just turned 26 and life just isn't anything that I thought it would be or anything it should have been. I really just wish I would go to sleep and not wake up. I know it's very touchy but I feel like it's important to say that a big reason I haven't ended it all is because I need to know it's the end. 

I think a lot of my issues stem from the cult I grew up in. In the cult, you weren't allowed to associate with non-believers, college was frowned upon, and after school activities were a big NO-NO. You were an even better cult member if you home schooled your kids, and guess what? That's what my mom did.

Since my mom couldn't be with all 3 of her kids at once, she had 'cyber' school. It's just like zoom calls, for reference. I have only went to 2 years of physical school (other than college), only because when I was younger I didn't do my online homework. When I went to physical school, I was not allowed to celebrate any holidays or birthdays. I had to do my walk of shame and leave the room. I wasn't even allowed to have a fucking black cat sticker on the ONLY test I got an A on. I wasn't allowed to try out for cheerleading no matter how much I wanted, because anyone who doesn't believe the exact same thing as me without question is "bad association." 

When I was younger and put back into cyber school,  I was happy to have my own laptop. And it was nice that I no longer had to stand out as completely different in school. I NEVER paid attention in class. I always played computer games during class, but somehow never got caught. At the same time, I was able to pull A's and B's (occasional C's and D in math, the D will fuck me over later.) 

I was always depressed, I never had friends and I was always itching for something. And my family was always considered lower/less because I never had a father. (Parent's were divorced, dudes a literal sociopath who would throw nails where the car was because he didn't want to pay child support. Why my mom had 3 kids with him instead of aborting us? I will never fucking know.) 

I've never admitted this to anyone out loud and I never intend to, but I use to cut myself. For me it was the combination of, "if I feel physical pain, I don't feel emotional pain" and, "it's the only thing I have control over." I didn't think anyone would ever notice because my family had a lot of cats, so in my mind it seemed reasonable and I could get away with it. Eventually my mom called me out and  asked if I was a gay (I'm not, but even if I was, why would I EVER tell her when she's made homophobic remarks?) I told her that I was depressed, I don't have friends, and my life is the same day over and over every year. She tried to comfort me but was also mad that I cut myself. I always hated that after that, if she saw a cat scratch on me, she would get mad even if it was in front of my siblings. 

When I was younger, I was more hopeful in the future and future me. I thought that no matter what, things were going to change. Things never really did.  Eventually it got to a point where I left my house for 2 things. Food and cult meetings. My only "friends" were online at this point, if I can even consider them friends. (Met many groomers, weird men who wanted to send me gifts and a cell phone so I could talk to them outside of game.) I don't know if I can consider this an "attempt", but I drank not quite 3/4 a bottle of Nyquil once. I was a dumb kid and thought I would fall asleep and die. I woke up tired as fuck and still very much alive. 

That hope faded with the years. Eventually something happened between a family in the cult we met a few months prior and us, and it led to my mom unofficially leaving the cult. I was shocked. I would never, in a millions years, believe my mom would leave that cult. I wanted to physically leave it for years(but mentally, I'm still damaged) but thought I never could because my family would shun me (they are supposed to cut off non believers as if they're dead.) 

This new revelation gave me hope. Now that we were out of the college education shaming cult,  I applied for grants to go to college. I went to college for 2 degrees, neither worked out for me. I struggle to go to the store for groceries, I struggle to clean, I struggle with every stupid little thing. I always did, but it's more pronounced in my head now. Like, the best way I can describe my life to someone who hasn't experienced it is covid. When everyone couldn't leave their homes, see their friends, live their life, that's my life. And it's not by choice, I just can't find the power to try to change it anymore. When  I went to college that was a big step for me, and it took a lot for me to do it. It took me a while to get my license because I was so nervous to drive. I passed the first try, but I was still nervous (and still am) about driving.

 I know many people experience this or at least say they do. My friend claims to be super anxious all the time but it doesn't seem to stop her? She still goes out to get food, to get groceries, etc. Some times I'm hungry but I can't get myself to leave my house. I just feel like I can't go into the store, even if I don't have to talk to anyone.  

I feel insane and there is nothing physically wrong with me, but late at night I can't sleep because I'm haunted by things I can't forget or change. I've become more reclusive in the last year and it's not that I am always introverted, it's that I'm anxious and I can't motivate myself to just go. I just wish I would fall asleep and wouldn't wake up.