Staying alive for other people who I am making miserable

I’m only here because my family would be sad and blame themselves if I were dead 

Simultaneously making everyone fucking miserable because I am sad (and therefore irritable and standoffish) all the time

I can’t snap out of it. I haven’t found any strategies in therapy that make it easier to
deal with.  I feel heartbroken all of the time.

I hate being this way.  I think everyone would be better off without me.  They would just be sad and feel guilty that I was gone - but they’d still be better off. 

I am not going to but I keep thinking of starting to drink/smoke weed every day because those things make it easier for me to be around people without my depression/mood/anxiety overwhelming me and ruining the day for everyone.  I hate myself. 

I ruin everything.  I wish I’d never been born so I didn’t have to make the choice between dying and carrying on living.