I'm extremely depressed and this has been ongoing for some time now. 5 years to be exact. I was in a 3 year relationship, got engaged then became pregnant. In 2017 my son was born and within 3 months his father left and never returned ever. During our 3 year relationship I was the sole breadwinner and took care of all our expenses including rent. After I gave birth I lost my job, there was no maternity leave option and as a result lost my apartment. The same day I became homeless is the same day my son's father left and he never returned. I still ask God to this day what did I do wrong? I spent the first 2 years of my son's life in a homeless shelter, when he turned 2 years old in 2019 I found an apartment. It was in the projects but atleast there would be a stable roof over our heads. Fast forward to 2022 and I'm still living here in the projects. I have developed undiagnosed PTSD and trust me I know it's PTSD. I cannot even handle the slamming of doors anymore. I cannot stand half the time because my body crumbles at the constant sounds stimulating my brain. This place has been like hell and it gets worse everyday. People are constantly banging on the walls like 24/7, people are urinating and defecating in the hallways and staircase, constant gunshots and also the intense fear of being robbed and raped. I only leavemy apartment on average of once every 2 weeks sometimes once every 4 weeks. I am in a constant state of anguish, fear, anxiety, depression and self loathing. Since moving here I have started several businesses out of the few dollars I have saved but they all end up failing. I can hardly sleep, eat and some days I just rock back and forth for hours at end. The only beacon of light and hope I have is my son. 

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My son is my true best friend. Oh man he is so sweet and he loves to lauh and have a good time. He is so happy and just full of joy. My son hugs me and he sings songs to me everyday. My son uplifts me and prays with me and for me. He is only 5 years old but so intelligent beyond his years. I feel really bad that he would choose a complete piece of trash loser like me to be his Mom. He could have done so much better. He deserves the best and I have been failing him since birth. I would love to put him ina  good school and move to a safe neighborhood with perhaps a backyard or even like ducks in the neighborhood. I dream of laying down to sleep without beint jostled out of my sleep by gunshots. I live on the 12th floor in the projects and I sit here wishing I had the courage to jump. I wish I was brave enough to make the pain stop but my son keeps me alive. I would never want to leave him alone in this world. I would never want him to feel like it was his fault. My son is the reason I wake up everyday. I thank the Universe for blessing me with someone I can truly love and vice versa but my son deserves so much better. He loves Thomas The Train and he loves Firefighters. He laughs maniacally when he sees a ladybug then runs for his life. He is so hilarious and he told me that I was a good Mom. I cannot put into words the pain of not being able to do more for your kid(s). I feel beyond worthless but I refuse to be selfish and take my own life. I have to protect my son from this cruel world and I am raising him to be a loving and upstanding citizen. I am teaching him never to mistreat or hurt anyone. I am teaching him to show kindness to everyone he meets and never ever have hate in his heart. I just don't know If I am strong enough to stay alive.

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In the mean time I have been working hard to make ends meet. As I mentioned I started a couple businesses which all failed but I did learn something each time. I ask God why did my son's father leave us? Why am I incapable of being successful? Some people take advantage just having a garden or even a backyard and for me that is like a dream. I wish I had family to reach out to for support. I wish my son had grandparents and I wish I had a friend sometimes. I have an older brother who lives in another state with his family but he is so disgusted I had a baby without getting married first, so as a result my family doesn't speak to me or my son. I loe my family very much and I feel like I have brought them great shame. I never wanted to become a "Baby Mother" and I h ve only dated 5 people my entire life. I had my son at age 30 and we had a wedding date but my son's father just went away and he never came back. I do believe this broke my heart and spirit and as a result I have developed mental illness of some form. I am very depressed. I feel very rejected. I feel lesser than. I feel I am robbing my son of a great childhood. What is so wrong with me that nobody can love me back? I genuinely care for everyone and I am extremely naive in nature in regards to my outlook on humans. I don't hate anyone even the people who want bad for me. I just pray that my son will have a better future and life. Everyday it's a struggle to stay alive. I feel like no matter how hard I try I just keep failing. Having my Amazon business taken away after 4 weeks was not helpful either. That definitely catapulted me into deeper depression. Some days I have to donate blood at the plasma center to buy us food. Other days I have to resort to the food pantry. I recently reapplied for welfare but I personally believe that since I am able bodied I should get up off my butt and work and not depend on welfare. I have never been the type of person to look for handouts or live a lazy lifestyle. I was once in college for Aviation and Pre-Engineering but I did drop out. Living in the projects for me is definitely the lowpoint of my life. I would say it's worse than the time I spent in the shelter and I don't believe this is any place for any human being much less a child. 

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I am trapped and stuck in purgatory. I have no friends or family here besides my son. I have never ever verbalized what has been happening to me or how I have been feeling in 5 years so this is just such a privilege to be able to get this off my chest. I will probably delete it before the day is over as I feel embarassed and I feel worthless, I feel like God doesn't love me anymore. I doubt anyone will ever  marry me in the future. I have remained celibate for 5 years since my son's father left and I will never let another man touch me. I would never be able to trust that person. I am someone who still eats fruit-rollups, watch cartoons and believe in mermaids. I am usually free-spirited and happy. I would consider myself a Hippie before this ordeal. Now I'm just a shell of a person and I just pray everyday not to wake up. I just cannot leave my son alone in this world and that is the Only reason I am alive today writing this. My spirit was irrevocably broken and because I wear my heart on my sleeves. 5 years later I am still in immense pain emotionally and mentally. Living in the projects through the constant hostility and intense banging sounds on the walls and ceilings. I don't know how much life I have left in me. I am literally spiritually exhausted. I came here to share this because I have nobody in my life to talk to. I will probably not go outside until 2 weeks from now unless I need to go to the food pantry. So please be very grateful if you have family and friends who love and support you. That is something I will never have. 

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Thank you for reading and allowing me to vent. I already want to delete this before I even posted it. Mental illness is real and if I could give any advice to anyone, I would say please love your family and also love yourself. Do not mistreat people and do not take advantage of others. I was done horribly but I stand here today and I still don't have any hate in my heart for anyone. I only hate myself for making such poor decisions which have lead to me now raising my 5 year old in the New York projects, dangerous is an understatement.