This happens with all of my exes I've had in the past 2 years (which is a lot, unfortunately) and it's really fucking annoying. One day I'll feel super strong about being over them and then the next I'm wishing they were sitting right next to me, overlooking all of the bad things we did to each other. For instance, my last ex also had bpd (not a good combo) and our relationship was incredibly intense. The breakup only happened because I caught her on tinder. We never broke up with each other for any interpersonal reason because we thought we would really hurt each other. The tinder situation gave me a reasonable out which was, no lie, one of the most relieving moments of my life given how MONSTROUSLY stressful the relationship was. It was incredibly toxic on both sides. i.e mutual addiction enabling, little money, suicidal manipulation on her part and abandonment manipulation on my part. Getting out of the relationship lifted this ever-heavy weight off of my shoulders and I can confidently say I am generally happier that I'm out of that relationship and I'm making a lot of strides in my *new* romantic endeavors and learning from the mistakes of old. 

However, no matter how much success I'm having, I often times miss her an unrealistic amount. I ping pong from extreme interdependence to extreme codependency, sometimes in just a few hours or moments. And this isn't just normal uncertainty of whether or not the relationship should have been ended because I absolutely understand that it was not right for us and being out of the relationship 90% of the time makes me feel great about myself. For instance, during the relationship, we had a combined total of 3 suicide attempts from me and excessive amounts of threats from her. I know it's over and enjoy that fact. I'm just having a real struggle applying my romantic feelings to other people when I'm too worried about occasionally excessively missing someone I haven't even talked to in 6 months. This also goes for Kelsey, Lily, Penelope, and Allie (who I was never even in a relationship with). All of these people except for Allie I haven't talked to for at least 6 months. This teeter-totter happens with all of them too. It's almost like I have a romantic tracking device on all of them with low battery so every day or two it works just for that day and then shuts off again. It's so fucking and romantically debilitating. I also can't listen to ANY songs that were significant when I was with them or it makes me feel like I'm falling down a never ending hole where the only solution to climbing out is to stop the song. The amount of negative nostalgia these songs carry is so strong that they often times make me bawl like a little baby.

Anyway, I would love to know that I'm not just crazy I guess lmao. I love you all &lt;3 :\*