If we're being totally honest, I feel absolutely horrible right now. There are a lot of other things in my life that are really in the dumps, but I'm trying to focus on the positives. I'm trying to actively cultivate my calm-and-connected responses to things, rather than rely on an automatic fear response (can you tell I've been reading CBT references?). It seems like I always wind up right back where I started: feeling overwhelmed, miserable, depressed, hateful, and isolated. I know that those negative thoughts are only going to reinforce themselves; unfortunately, ignoring them will have the same effect. So I have to accept those thoughts, and challenge them head-on.  
Yesterday I went to the doctor's for a full physical for the first time since I was seeing a pediatrician in college. My parents didn't have health insurance I could use, and told me we couldn't afford the school's insurance, so I went without. I had health insurance for the year of 2020, luckily, but it was a crappy plan that didn't cover mental health. It covered just half of the first 3 visits with a therapist, so I wound up spending a lot of money (more than I could afford) on therapy. It left me financially drained and discouraged. That therapist helped me process some trauma, but they weren't able to help with my feelings of anxiety or depression. That's going to be different this time around.

Last month I was found eligible for a cost reduction for insurance, which meant I could afford to get insured again. Yesterday, I got a full blood panel done to check for thyroid issues and nutritional deficiencies. I will have a follow-up appointment in 2 weeks. Until then I have antianxiety medication that I can take as needed, to help me sleep. I've never taken medication for mental health before, and I'm wary of the stigma around it, but I'm willing to trust this healthcare center and try what they offer me.

I tend to get lulled into a false sense of security whenever I see some improvements in my mood or functioning, and stop doing what I was doing to get there, which puts me right back where I started. It's really dysfunctional, and even though I know it's wrong, I'm not totally sure how to stop, or even why I do it. I wonder if I have ADHD, and I wonder if that's just pathologizing the issue to avoid taking responsibility, because other people don't seem to have the same difficulties sticking to regimens.

Thank you for reading this far, if you have. I wish I could ask if anyone has been through the same thing, but that wouldn't change anything for me or the amount of work I need to put in. I am tired, but hopeful.