Using a throwaway because my boyfriend doesn't need to know how bad it is right now, he has enough of his own stress. I'm just venting I guess.


22F. I have autism, ADHD, anxiety and depression. A few weeks ago I learned my boyfriend's family is coming over for Thanksgiving for like a week. I REALLY wish we would have gotten a little more warning on this because he just went back to work and will only actually be available to visit with them for Thanksgiving itself and maybe one other day if he remembers to ask for it off and it is actually approved, but because of short notice chances are slim. So I will likely have to entertain them for most of the time by myself, without him to support me. That kind of scenario is like a nightmare for me. I've only met them one other time besides this.


I have been frantically cleaning the house from top to bottom since I found out. We have pets so I'm paranoid that there will be some kind of odor or something that I can't smell because I am desensitized to it. The house was decent enough before but I am just so scared. I stay home because I can't work so it is my responsibility to keep things clean and looked after. I am worried that if there is any flaw at all they will judge me. It has to look like I'm doing well. I know I am putting too much pressure on myself and I'm trying not to but I really can't help it.


I have almost a phobia of guests in my house, I don't know why. I don't even like my family or a fucking plumber or something in my house. I panic every time. Only my boyfriend is acceptable in my mind because he is a "safe" person. It feels like a violation of safety or something, I think it's possibly my autism? I keep trying to figure out how I am going to answer certain questions they may ask, rehearsing them in my mind while I frantically clean all fucking day because I can't control my anxiety.


This morning I realized that I am nearly out of vinegar, which I need to clean. I forgot to get it while shopping yesterday and I can't mentally handle trying to go out to the store today. I just fucking lost it, it's like it was the last straw, I screamed at the top of my lungs and repeatedly hit myself in the head pretty hard. Afterwards I cried hysterically for like half an hour. I don't normally do this. I haven't been this stressed in a long time. I feel like I'm losing it. I just can't handle it. I have to cook something for Thanksgiving and I still have so much to do around the house and I just can't fucking remember and process everything. It feels like the list of things I have to do never ends. I'm so fucking scared. I just want it to stop. I was doing so much better mentally before I found out this was happening. I was doing so well and now it's just disintegrating into almost worse than I was to begin with.


He was supposed to help me clean up his work area and the back porch and some other stuff that I needed his help with last weekend, but he has ADHD and takes the weekends off of his meds and so not much got done even though he promised we would get it all done together. I'm more than willing to help, but it's hard for me to do this myself because a lot of the items laying around are his tools and belongings and I don't know where he wants me to put many of them or even what some of them are. And many are too heavy for me. I try not to push it too hard because I know work is already so stressful and he has really poor executive functioning when off his ADHD meds and I feel I should do everything else because I get to stay home. 


We're also currently out of weed because he didn't want to stress out the guy he gets it from because they're both really busy at work. I understand this, but weed helps me continue to function and keep working on shit I need to do when I am internally fucking screaming so really bad timing on that. I know it's probably unhealthy to try to cope with a substance but it feels like all I can do right now.


I'm trying so fucking hard to hold it together. I don't want to stress my boyfriend out any more than he is. He knows I'm really panicking about everything but he doesn't know to this extent. I can't break down. I just need to survive until this is over and then I can relax. He's been very caring towards me panicking so far other than once where he got a little annoyed, but afterwards he apologized and I don't blame him, I know I'm being too much with this. He says I'm worrying too much and putting way too much pressure on myself, and I know he's right about that. 


But this situation is just like a combination of all my fears and weaknesses in one. I know I am severely overreacting to everything and this post is full of cognitive distortions but it's like my mind is a runaway train and I can't get off. I just had to type it out. I'm fucking losing my shit. I just wish I could be fucking normal right now, why does everything have to be a crisis with me?