Sometimes I get super low and need the instant gratification to not fall apart, and I'll go to some caming sites and masturbate with other guys (I'm a dude just for context but not really relevant). Or upload nudes and videos to other sites.

Some people are really into doing it and I don't think it's wrong to do so if you really like doing so.

But I know deep down I actually don't want to do this. I don't actually want these pictures and videos to be around forever, and of course I don't want anyone to post them at inappropriate places. (And yes they include my face.)

It's just that never in my life I had a relationship, nor sex, nor a stable friendship with a man. Stuff is so hard I am starting to question if I'll ever find someone who wants me, I'm not looking for a partner anymore merely trying not to drown. Add to that a physical illness that would be visible during sex (but I can hide in videos) and I feel repulsed to have sex at all.

I wish I knew a healthier way to cope, but I don't everything else that comes to my mind is heavily self destructive. What I really crave is someone who wants me to be around, not just online but in real life, but I'm still too bad for that and wonder if it will ever change.