Hello! I am probably writing this to see if anyone else can help me to gain another perspective to the situation concerning my mental health. I will try to be concise and resist my urge to ramble.

So, I am 20 years old and for the last half of my life, I’ve found myself to be of ill mental health. I am struggling in every category; university, work, family life, friendships, self-concept, and -hatred. The issue is that nothing helps me to heal; I have been treated in psych-wards, in various psychotherapies, I’ve been on medications too. It has been so exhausting, that I am again having contemplations about suicide. I just wish I could not care anymore how my death would affect my family so I could proceed with planning my end.

Talking about my relatives, they’ve helped me so much and have always given me time and hope to recover. But the problem is that I am making them depressed and hopeless as they see me constantly unproductive, disorganized and irritable towards them. I am not exaggerating here as I sometimes find them crying in their room; as I ask them to explain why are they crying, they keep referring to the “mistake” they made years ago to move to another country and the impact it had on me.

In school, I was miserable, big time. Everyone, including my ‘’friends’’ and even myself would make fun of me. I not only did not resist to regularly being the object of ridicule, but I would also openly make fun of myself to mitigate the importance/effect of that ridicule. No one respected me in my adolescence which made me forget what it is like being respected and how to show respect to other people. Hence, I made no real friends and out of deep frustration, I became depressed.

I keep thinking that school life was the main "traumatiser" in my case. This is where my anxieties, depressiveness, submissiveness, insecurities, and mental health diagnoses derive from, I assume. There was a specific point in time when I became mentally scattered which caused my attention, curiosity, motivation to drop, and as a result, all other problems followed, especially the lack of meaning.

I started living on autopilot since I was 13. That is, I stopped pursuing my goals and just stopped giving a damn about anything. Even, if I would consciously want to make friends, some psychological mechanisms would preclude meaningful contact with other people. These mechanisms came into power after a rather traumatising conversation with my parents after one school meeting which made me question my morals and the love of my parents towards me.

Being a teenager is when the social contact is crucial to person’s growth, but I feel like I prevented myself from even trying. My pathologies make me avoid eye contact, be very superficial, I always try to mitigate the importance of particular conversations, use projections, retroflections, all of which made any interpersonal contact only temporary. These are some of the psychosis-related illness characteristics which I engage to push people away and distance myself from everyone.

Furthermore, I always have the feeling that I am always falling behind in terms of my academic competence, skills, cognitive ability, etc, because of my own fault. While being in public, I get panicked about myself when I hear my peers talking or having a laugh, because it is something I could never do (make conversation or make someone genuinely laugh for that matter). In any environment I am always silent, be it a club, workplace, university. It always seems like others do have the ability to feel motivated and interested (in the topic or in the other people) whilst I do not.

Last week I attended a group therapy where I noticed that my awareness in a group setting was the same as the one I experienced in school. I just felt totally numb and so empty that I could not participate in that meeting, as I felt like I was in the classroom having to live through all the emptiness again.

Lastly, this text is a consequence of the heavy feelings in relation to the night dreams featuring the first and only crush I’ve ever had. These dreams are somehow realistic and make me feel like a wreck after I wake up. In the dream, I was someone who everyone deems to not be worthy of attention, while this girl I am obsessed about gradually (as the dream progresses) senses my strong feelings towards her and as a result, she suddenly becomes accessible to me. She finally understands my difficulties and my hardship and often hugs me in a dream after these revelations.

So perhaps, my goal here is to share my psychological hardship with you all, perhaps all I am looking for is a remote hug to keep me going.

Also, as I am writing this text I am noticing my desperation to detect patterns and something meaningful in my life story in order to make a better sense of why I am like this.