Over the last few years I (20F) have lost touch with almost all my friends. Looking back I'm able to see that I probably pushed them away because I declined almost every offer they made to hang out until eventually people just stopped inviting me. I don't know why I did it though, I liked hanging out with them and I miss them now. I've tried to get back in touch a few times but was unsuccessful.

Now I'm worried that I'm repeating the same pattern. My only social life now is when my boyfriend brings me along to events with his friends. Honestly though I don't usually have much fun. I don't have much in common with them and it just reminds me that I don't have any friends to call my own. I can see the same thing now happening where I have declined his invitations too many times and he no longer invites me to the parties his friends throw. It's like this makes me more sad to sit at home while they all party but at the same time I know I would've declined, so why does it upset me?

I'm having a hard time understanding my feelings. It's like I know that I want a social life but I don't even try. I know that I want to though so why can't I just do it?

I'm not diagnosed with anxiety but the last few years have been feeling anxious more and more frequently. I'm wondering if any of you have experienced this or have any advice? I want to change.

TLDR: I've declined friends invitations so many times that they stopped inviting me and now I don't have a social life.