TW: suicide. 

It's not going anywhere. It's just going to blow up on the tracks. 

I'm having a rough time. I finally opened myself up to somebody romantically recently after hiding away for years for fear of rejection and I got burned worse than ever.  I feel like I'm 16 again and experiencing this all for the first time. 

I don't have any passion for the career I've chosen. I think it would be the same eventually with anything else I could be doing though. I already burned out of one career. I don't see a bright future. I've tried really hard to improve my attitude and self-esteem but I feel like I'm just destined to always end up back here. 

I've just been chain-smoking and playing sad opera arias on the piano. I'm tired. It's hard to keep up a facade with my peers. It's hard to hear encouragement from my friends and family who want to see me thriving and know that I can't give that to them. I'm just languishing. 

I've been going out to the river on these long swims. It feels good to feel untethered from the world, floating in the silty green waters. I think about pushing myself out further, wondering how far I can go before I'm too exhausted to turn back. To let the waters overcome me and bleed into the ocean. To give my body away as a gift to the fish and the crabs.