i have been completely failing at mentalizing and self-regulation in a group project. not only have i literally brought people to tears, but i've probably trashed my reputation upon which my small company depends. i don't actually feel anything but disgruntled that i am forced to live out a life i'm too invisibly disabled to do normally.  like, i don't feel tortured or suicidal, just ANNOYED. what am i even doing here? it doesn't work. yet i have to keep fucking running around and around on my hamster wheel of fucked up relationships and interactions trying to keep (barely) earning the money to pay my bills and obligations and eat, and i make damn sure (or my bpd does) i never have any money for more than that or to save or make my life better. fuck this, seriously. and this is me trying to work for a nonprofit, so i'm at least some use, but every day all i think about is the many, many people who could do my job much better than me, chiefly because they don't have a debilitating mental illness they have to keep secret. on the other hand, some people don't have clean drinking water and do have cholera so then i hate myself for complaining about it. there's just no escape.