
To my favourite person (my ex).

I hate that you make me feel unwanted. 
I hate that you ignore my texts. I hate that you will block me because you feel it’s what’s best for me. I hate it even more that my brain then goes into overdrive waiting for a text and so I’ll damage myself. I’ll self harm, I’ll buy drugs, I’ll overdose. All for you to text back later and I’m the happiest girl alive again. I couldn’t be any happier and it was all for nothing. 

I hate that I bother you. I don’t want to bother you. I want to leave you alone. It’s been so long now. You want to help me but don’t want to give me false hope. You feel distance and space will help and it does, for only weeks at a time and then I’ll need a fix again, I’ll be in the worst place and I can’t do it without you. So, I text you. You reply and again I’m the happiest girl in the world again. Until, I’m not. Because, you help me, you think I’m okay, we will chat for a few days and then you’ll ignore me because you don’t want to give mixed signals.

People may say “leave him alone, it’s not fair on him”. I know that and I hate it. I feel he just pity’s me. But, when you have a borderline brain you’ll do anything to keep them around. Borderline isn’t just a personality. It’s a mental illness. A struggle.