pardon my typing i’m in the midst of a mini meltdown and can barely see my screen and my head is all over the place and i’m sorry 

just for a bit of background info, i have heavy abandonment trauma and have been cheated on in every single relationship i’ve been in, so i’m guessing that this is where my feelings are coming from. 

so, i’ve been seeing this dude for about 5 months now and he’s the nicest person i’ve ever been with. he’s considerate of my feelings and my trauma, always makes an effort to make me smile, and is extremely patient. we established that we wanted to be exclusive sexually, even if we aren’t in a labeled relationship. we spend every single day together, and sleep together almost every night. he’s really great. 

anyway, the other day i saw a snapchat notification on his phone of a girl he was talking to and i’ve been feeling extremely jealous. i’m constantly worried that he’s gonna just drop me for her. i even went as far as to go on facebook to find her (crazy, i know) and upon discovering that she’s prettier than me, it made my feelings so much worse. i also checked his snap score (he hardly uses it as is) and i saw that his snap score went up by like 30. i can feel that stupid feeling in my chest where i want to sabotage and isolate. i’m so paranoid because history has shown that i’m easily replaceable. is there anyone that can give me some advice to rationalize my own thoughts? because all i can think is “he found someone better than me, it’s only a matter of time before he leaves me” even though i have no direct evidence for that