Hey guys, been a lurker here for a little while now. I joined the sub cause I had a feeling what you all were talking about just sounded TOO familiar. Then I heard about quiet bpd and everything made sense. 

I'm not officially diagnosed, but yeah, it's all too real. My family's always struggled with how black and white I am, and I'm realizing now that's splitting. Guys I'm really struggling with that. I feel like I'm constantly in a whirlwind inside and I can only barely talk about it with others, cause it's too much. I'm in therapy on and off but it's expensive. I've made a lot of progress from where I started (major major depression in high school, general anxiety took over my life for a while, but it's more in check now). I've learned a lot about self care and CPTSD and emotional regulation and I KNOW I'm making progress, but the reality of it being BPD is kind of crushing me. I feel like my life is just straight up over. How can I have a healthy relationship? Healthy kids?? Even a damn dog! I'm splitting really hard on my dog cause shes acting up, and I'm staying in control and not acting out or being cruel or losing it, but god all that's inside me anyway. How could I ever trust myself around children?? I feel like I've got no where to turn to be honest about how I'm feeling inside. I've got a support network, but you can't talk about the big bads with them-- when it'll pass and be gone in a few days, maybe even just after I get it all out. I feel like it puts them through too much. Makes them worry when I Could be fine, given time.

When I'm in therapy, I feel ashamed that my therapist likes me, cause, how??? LOL Can't she see? See past the good stuff, to the anger and fucked up ness? How do you guys deal with these feelings? I'm well read so Dr. Gabor Mate and Pete Walker and Melody Beattie are major players in my handbook. But I genuinely don't know anything about BPD, or even where to start. I'm scared, cause what if I can't get better enough? What if I'm just a wrecking ball disguised as a good person who goes through other people's lives and destroys them? I meditate and mindfulness and dbt but it only reigns me in. I have to check in with myself CONSTANTLY. Does it ever actually get easier? Things are changing, but the rage that's coming up is scary. Am I really this angry inside? What do I do with that? Just keep exercising? Lol Will I ever get to be normal? Happy? Okay for the long run? 

I don't want to feel like when I stop thinking, everything around me falls apart. And that's what it feels like right now. Is this BPD? Am I super off base? I'm learning self love, self protection, self compassion and self esteem-- but I feel so doubtful. How can I get better from this? 

Please, help