Hope anyone reading this is awesome, sorry for my bad English, is not my native language. 

The thing is... I'm depressed. For years I was struggling with the idea,  assuming I was strong enough to deal with that alone or avoiding it trying to reach happiness with work... But I'm not as happy as I should be. 

I have a work that I hate but pay me enough to survive and prosper a little. I know I don't like it and that I should quit, but don't have the confidence in myself to try to find a better one. 

I don't believe in myself... That's the true and I hate that people keep telling me that I'm good at something when I know that I'm not, and all this year I notice I'm even doing less and less... My productivity is at 10% been extremely positive with myself. 

I don't know why I'm writing this, because I know that the problem require therapy, but don't have the money or the will... Because my experiences with psychologist and psychiatrist were useless. 

It's like there is something  inside me that prevents me for been happy. For a stranger I will look like someone that is making it to the best: I just moved from my family to live with my sweetheart, I have two jobs and win more that a lot of people of my country and are stable enough to been 100% independent. 

But I don't feel successful... I feel deeply broken and just want a cave to hide and cry out until dry. I take the punches and step up again and again, but each time is more difficult.

I don't want to die... I'm not having suicidal thoughts, but I feel empty and useless, so tired and meaningless. I don't like myself but didn't have the strength to make changes because I'm always tired or out of time...  Even if I'm literally doing nothing. I'm trying to keep on smiling but I know my beloved ones are more aware about how I feel and I don't want to worry anyone.

I don't know what to do... I don't believe I'm always depressed but when it hits... It do it really hard.

How do I bounce back from this? I really want to feel at peace, I don't ask for happynes... Just calm and tranquil