I feel an emotional javelin stuck in my chest, keeping me up with its suffocating pain. This recurring pain of wanting so deeply to feel safe, understood, and comfortable with someone but being unable to have it eats at my being. My head replays painful memories of failed connections, people leaving, and then floods with reasons to hate myself. It's just so tiring and difficult to mentally stay afloat :/ Especially when alone, but, you know... That's what I'm good at being.

My psychologist hasn't known what to do with me for quite some time and the couple before him didn't know what to do either or straightup didn't want to work with me. I am hopeless and it can be crushing that I don't even feel I've a friend I can vent to, and sometimes that gets to me more than others. It can be a suffocating and nauseating existence. Enough to wake me up and begin sobbing out of nowhere again.