We’re both in our 40s, together for 1.5yrs. It’s taken quite a lot of time and research, I had no idea what bpd was until a few days ago, but it turns out my gf fits all the typical traits of BPD (with the exception of physical harm). Weekly meltdowns, always around the topic of not being respected / prioritised / meeting needs etc, always out of nowhere and seemingly without warning. Constant and unjustified fear of abandonment, despite my best efforts to prioritise her in every way possible. History of unstable relationships, including an affair with a married man. Inability to be alone due to feelings of emptiness, resulting in some manic behavior and non-stop impulsive behavior, usually involving travel / holidays - she is obsessed with being on the go and literally never stops. I’m walking on eggshells, and I recently noticed that her family are also very cautious around her.

I actually thought the problem was just my behavior until I saw how her family were acting around her, and that’s what prompted me to start looking into this. 

The issue is that she completely refuses therapy (“did it before, they don’t understand me, I’ll never change, this is just who I am etc”). There is not much I can do, and I’m worried that by trying to be considerate and saying ‘ok, I’m sorry this happened, maybe you’re right’ all the time, I’m actually just adding fuel to the fire and making things worse. 

Is there anything I can do here? She needs therapy desperately, I have no idea how to convince her, and I already know that just bringing this up will lead to more conflict. Would appreciate any advice and hope this post doesn’t cause offense to anyone.