Ugh, I had such an awful break yesterday and now I am just reveling in embarrassment and feeling ashamed. 

My boyfriend/fp just lost his father a month or so ago, and has been keeping it together but finally lost it. Friday he left work to go to therapy after losing it at his desk, and then decided to stay at his sisters. I was a little hurt because I took Saturday off to be with him and really wanted him to be around. I also needed to buy a car that day and really didn’t want to do it alone. So of course I said some insensitive things that I regret. He told me he’d still show up to buy the car. 

Yesterday morning he texts me and he’s breaking down about his dad again. He starts talking about how he doesn’t want to be alive. I don’t really like talking about suicide, since it’s an invasive thought that I deal with constantly and it makes me panic and uncomfortable. I told him this. He starts freaking out about not having anyone to talk to about it. I back pedal and tell him he can talk to me about it, ready and willing to bite the bullet and deal with the trigger. I don’t exactly go about it in the most sensitive way. I called and begged my mom and stepdad to come get a car with me since clearly my SO wasn’t in any state. I resent this, because he has a pattern of not showing up for me when I need him. I’ve explained how this affects my mental health. Doesn’t ever really stick with him.

So I tell him to forget about coming. I go to get the car, and because it’s a weekend I can’t get a straight answer about financing. At this point I am DONE and make the decision that I’m going to drink all day. I call up a gf and get lunch and the drinking begins. I hate and love alcohol. If I am in a mood and trying to cope, I usually take a backseat and let the disorder do the talking, which is exactly what happened. I lashed out on my bf over text, who was on his way to another therapy appointment. He told me he was going on psych hold (not because of me because of the grieving) and I freaked out at home. I cried and cried and cried. I felt so alone. 

I fell asleep for a couple of hours, then woke up and decided I would go out again. I continue to drink. Wallowing in loneliness, I start feeling very suicidal. I’m out with friends but I am planning the entire time in my head. When I get to feeling this way, it’s like there is the tiniest, smallest voice in the back of my head that is saying “don’t die! You don’t want to die! Find a way!” And I try to listen but it’s hard. I unblocked my ex (he is bipolar and manic depressive and we did not work out well bc of our mental illnesses but he is still very much in love with me) and tried to talk to him, hoping he would help curve my suicidal thoughts. I knew I was using him but I still did it. I got home and he called me and we both cried on the phone. When I told him he couldn’t come over he lost his mind on me and I hung up on him. I cried til 3am and then finally fell asleep. I also texted my boyfriend as soon as I got off the phone and told him what I did and apologized, even though he won’t see it til Monday. 

I feel so awful. I hate myself truly. I hate how I react to stress and loneliness. If you read this far, thanks.