I am 36yo living in the UK - the pandemic hit me hard, like many others, and damn near killed my now partner who was one of my closest friends and trusted allies for 5 years. We now live together in a lovely little flat that he is currently organising as i sit and write this. We have a wonderful relationship that is punctuated with these moments of raging silence. Somehow or another at least once a month (if not more) I manage to do or say something that pisses him off. He thinks so deeply and philosphically about everything that no action, word or facial expression is taken without it being completely deconstructed and analysed. And honestly its exhuasting. I know he loves me deeply and I reciprocate that love from the very depths of my broken and battered soul. Neither of us have had a good life, both of us have been used and abused in some truly horrible ways and in each other we have found a place where peace can be pursued. We have life plans and goals we are aiming for and we will continue to forge forward for these things. But how can I look towards the future when the ground I am standing on feels like egg shells. When no matter what I do I end up infuriating him and no matter how hard i try to be thoughtful and considerate my fucking whiplash defence mechanisms that are deeply ingraned in my psyche win out in any mildly combative situation? I fight everyday to be a better version of myself, I have been through tons of therapy to try and get my head straight and he has been unbeliveably kind and helpful and supportive with it, because when he had a breakdown a few years back, his ex did nothing to support him. But I dont know how to be this new version of myself yet and we keep circling around to my slow and painful progress and it renders us incapable of speaking to each other. I dont know how to talk to him when its like this and he says he stays quiet because he knows i couldnt handle whats going on in his brain while he unpicks everything to nth degree. and the silence is deafening. and my tears are miserable and pathetic, and my lack of self worth and defeatedness have me on the verge of disapearing into the night and never being in contact with another soul. because even when ive got it good I cant manage to keep it. how do i heal from 30 odd years of disgusting trauma and learn to love myself and not be a hinderance to him while he does the same. but without each other theres no reason to stay tethered to this world. its a shit place to be and i wish i had a means of organising everything so that it just worked and we never got into this again. keeping the depression deamons at bay is a full time job and I am definitely not managing to do it. Doesnt matter if no one reads this. i have been alone my whole life, no different here than in my physical world.