All my life I could imagine the future. I had an intuitive grasp of science and technology. I came up with actionable plans for how to create the future that I imagined. However, when I finally started working and making the money I could use to achieve my dreams, I realized that while my imagination was powerful, I had no drive to put it into action.

I am getting older and my life is limited. As my body ages my cells change, I grow less capable and my bad habits become engrained. It becomes more difficult to imagine, to learn, to create. My dreams become less likely to be realized and some day I will die without achieving anything of note. My life is one in a long line of meaningless and wasted lives. I do not have a spirit to continue onward. I understand why so many cling to religion. I often wish I could reach for such comforts, but I cannot convince myself of such irrational dreams.

Long ago I decided that I would live for my family. I know how much pain I could cause them if I were to die. As such I feel trapped in a nightmare unable to share my feelings. Despite spending every waking moment, and often sleeping moments, in emotional pain I trust no one. Now in boredom I am trying to capture and translate a few of my thoughts to anonymously share with you. I have no expectation that this will help me.