My friend of many years sent a picture from 2 years back where I didn’t have scars on my leg, but he knows that i have them now meaning i did them more recently. I didn’t want to try and explain so i said “i get very dissociated and it’s not me so i don’t like to talk about it.” 
in the past he has given his opinion on self harm saying it’s pointless. he then said to me “cutting is bad, i don’t understand dissociation but sounds like you’re just trying to pass off the blame”
Immediately this set me off crying because for so long i’ve been so ashamed of myself, trying to hide my scars and stop self harming. i never want to talk about it because i don’t want to put that on anyone and i’m not looking for pity. But it literally doesn’t feel like i’m doing it to myself. i know logically that it’s me and i have to live with this. but in my head as it’s happening I’m just so unbelievably overwhelmed and my brain says “this is the only way for you to stop it” and when i self harm the bad thoughts go away.
i know it’s terrible. but i feel so much worse because i didn’t feel comfortable talking to him, but he forced me to and now i am so angry with him. i wish so badly that people could just understand how loud everything is without me feeling so dramatic.