I don’t feel like I fit the criteria for depression, but I also have this painful, nagging feeling of asking myself  “why choose life?” when we all die anyway. I don’t really enjoy life anymore. I don’t really have any reason to. If someone hypothetically has no reason they’re enjoying life, why still choose it? I’m having an extremely hard night. I feel sick to my stomach. I live in a rural area and don’t have any peers. I love my family and don’t want to hurt them, but the immense pain I feel every day from loneliness is unbearable. I haven’t had a hug in so long. I’m being kept as a backup option by someone I love and miss so much it is physically painful, I have no house, I just go to work a low wage job and repeat the same routines. I’m lucky in some ways in life. I don’t feel like I have official Depression, but I also don’t particularly enjoy my life. I’m creative and make things, but the people I’m around are so much younger than I am. I’m never around people my own age. There’s not really anywhere I can go to meet them. People my age in my area are all married. Moving isn’t an option for me. I keep having these thoughts that I should just “skip to the end.” There are things I can do that I enjoy, but they don’t make up for a lack of affection in my life. Not being able to share my life renders it meaningless to me. Enjoyment for enjoyments sake just isn’t something I’ve ever been able to wrap my head around. I want connection. I feel like I’m in exile. I just want everything to stop. Typing this out makes me feel ridiculous to say I don’t think I’m depressed while also feeling suicidal, but it’s just the best way I can describe it. Can anyone with depression relate? I don’t know how to get help. My therapists I’ve had tell me I don’t have depression, but instead, I’m depressed with my circumstances. I feel like I don’t have any option. I can’t take the pain anymore.