I don't know if this is the right subreddit to post this in, but I can't find anywhere better. I don't know if this story is related to my depression or something else so I just want to know if anyone else can relate. 

For as long as I can remember, I have never cried about loosing a loved one and it makes me feel like I'm a terrible person. Every time I am told some news that someone close to me is dying or dead, I don't feel anything. At first I thought it wasn't a big deal because I had no one else to compare my reactions to. But then I moved in with a couple friends and that's when I realized I might not be right in the head.

The first time one of my loved ones died, it was my great grandma. I was 10 at the time. She was the closest family member I had outside my immediate family. I wasn't allowed in the room as she passed but even after that, at the viewing and the funeral, I never felt sad about it, even as everyone else was crying around me. Then the next year, my great grandpa passed and it was the same story.

The next death didn't come for 8 years. I had just turned 19 and I was living with my (now) ex. We were visiting some of her family when my Dad called and said that my brother Tyler had been found dead by a river. I was shocked, to be sure. I guess it showed because my ex asked what was wrong. I pulled her to the side and told her that my brother had just died. She pulled me outside and hugged me, trying to comfort me. This is when I realized I wasn't normal. I wasn't sad or anything like that, so the comforting actually made me feel more uncomfortable. I said I'd be fine and that I just needed a little alone time, so she went back inside. I thought about why I wasn't feeling anything about it for a few minutes before I went back inside. Everyone inside tried to comfort me and I felt an emotion I can only describe as dirty. I felt like I was a terrible person because I wasn't sad about my brother's death and all these people were trying to help and all I could think of was how annoying they were being. At his funeral, all my family was crying except for me. I sat in the back with my ex while we watched. We all had a get together afterwards and had some drinks. Everyone would randomly burst into tears and I felt nothing.

The next one was my grandma. She died about a year after my brother. We didn't have a funeral for her. Instead we spread her ashes in the reservoir where the house she grew up in used to be. One of my uncles went to spread her ashes but made the mistake of dumping them all out at once when there wasn't any wind. Her ashes dumped into the water all at once and made a loud plop. I almost laughed out loud as everyone else was crying. We then waited for the waves to take them away but it was taking so long that my uncle that poured out the ashes took a stick off the ground and tried spreading them that way. It kind of worked but I still felt like laughing at the whole situation.

The last one, the reason I am writing this post, is one of my close high school friends was diagnosed with terminal cancer a few days ago. Me and our mutual friend group were informed by her mom and everyone is now secluding themselves and are all generally depressed about it. Except for me. I don't want to ask any of them about this because I don't want them to think I'm a heartless jerk. But I feel awful that I'm not sad about it.

So. Do I feel like this because I have depression and am not able to feel normal sadness or am I a sociopath?