Hi everyone, I'm a lurker here but I finally want to share something I've been dealing with for a while. I was recently diagnosed with BPD and the hardest part and that hits home with me was the lack of identity aspect. I always change myself depending on who I am around the most and my morals change so much I don't even know what my actual values really are..

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Anyways, I've always done this with my boyfriend's exes. All of my boyfriend's exes. I think I am such a worthless nutcase that I try to emulate them because I see them as being so much better and more interesting than I am. I've been in a relationship for almost three years and I still catch myself obsessing about his on most days. I cut off all my hair to emulate her( regret that one, ugh), adopted same book and music taste even though it's stuff I would never listen to otherwise and even tried to change my career field to match hers (didn't work out and ended horribly). Right now I am on and off trying to get my weight down to hers exactly (i'm about 20 more pounds than her, according to her instagram), and it fails because I'm naturally hourglass shape while she is very boyish and frail. I'm doing so much better than I was before but I still find myself every few days checking her social media accounts to see if she has any new pictures because I suppose..I just want to verify that I'm still level with her. It's pathetic, but now I recognize it as a symptom and have told my therapist. I would never share this in a million years with anyone I know but just needed to get it off my chest. PS I would never do anything to actually get in contact with her, I guess it's just normal facebook lurking but I just do it too much and then self deprecate over it. It's also pathetic because he has told me that she was someone who also had BPD as well so it's like...I don't know, she probably has as many issues as me.