So.. Hi? I signed up for this site just a minute ago, and I'll probably leave just as quickly, but I'm having an episode and could use some advice, if anyone wants to play therapist?   
(English is also not my first language so I'm sorry if/when I make mistakes)  
Some background;  
It started small in elementary; if I had problems with my elementary school subjects I was usually just given some worksheets to figure it out, eventually I  would, and it was never mentioned again. I wasn't seen as problematic enough to ever need additional help, and my sisters were smaller and needed more attention. (Which for them did come in the form of teachers, tutors, and doctors.)  
When I went on to middle school my parents hyper-fixated on me for a while, because (according to them) I was supposed to be a 'rebellious teenager' by then. My mom had read books about it. Naturally we drifted apart a bit, and I was just usually in my room listening to music and reading. 

When my middle sister started middle school she had a hard time. Really hard. Made the wrong friends, stayed out all night, drinking, eating disorders, failing classes, and probably more that I don't know about. My youngest sister was still in elementary school so I don't think she remembers much, but I do. My parents tried for a while to get her help; they went to therapists, counsellors, tutors, etc. When that didn't work it escalated into daily shouting matches, sometimes (a little) physical, and for years my sister was the 'black sheep' of the family. In the moment I tried to help, looking back on it I know I should have done more, but I have always taken her side and I still would. (To this day I know she is a lot stronger than me, if it was me in her place I know what I would have done to myself).

It was during that time that my parents started to 'forget' about me, sort of? I was mostly self sufficient so I think they wanted to spend more energy on my sisters. No longer did they remember my classes, friends, grades, extracurriculars, etc.  

During that time I was fine with it, which teenager wouldn't be?   
I let my grades slip a bit, not low enough to have anyone call my parents, but there was zero effort on my part.   
I was stressed out from all the yelling during the day, so I started eating. No one noticed the amounts of sandwiches I made, or the packets of cookies I snuck in daily. They did notice the pounds I gained though. Until this day there is little that hurts as much as I was when I was 15, sitting in the hallway and listening to my parents talk in the living room about how fat I was getting. 

Eventually my mental health started slipping. No apparent reason; I was still (very) well fed, I had friends, I had a daily schedule, but for some reason I just didn't want to get out of bed anymore, everything I liked suddenly didn't hold my intrest and my energy/excitement level went down hard. For a while I tried to play that I had 'headaches', because real physical problems seemed more believable than mental ones. I tried mentioning it to my parents a few times, but they didn't deem it important so I just left it alone and hoped it would go away when I went out of puberty. 

Even tried to commit suicide once, basically all that happend was that I slept for 20 hours, woke up and went to make myself a cup of tea. No one had noticed. 

When the pandemic started, I was forced into quarantaine at uni. It was ok for a while, in the summer I was able to go home, but slowly my mental health went down again, I gained weight, and grades went down. Again nobody noticed. 

I spend most of 2021 in bed, only getting myself out of bed to eat, only to crawl back into it. I sleep not at all or too much, I don't have any intrest in anything anymore, and there are days were I just spend hours staring at nothing. I didn't do anything for my classes, I don't even fully remember what I did during those months. Nobody checked up on me. I went home once, for my dads birthday, but no one noticed anything off about me. 

Now the reason I'm in tears writing this: I had a horrible few days. The full weight of failing my classes finally hit me, I've just been eating and taking melatonin to try and sleep. This weekend I realised I hadn't talked to any members of my family in weeks, so in a moment of weakness I decided to call my parents. They told me they were just in the middle of dinner and would call me back. They forgot. 

Now I know my parents aren't perfect, nobody's parent is, and I love them anyway, but it got so bad today that I even thought about suicide again, only to realise that if I did and succeeded, no one would notice for weeks.   
My friends wouldn't notice, my sisters wouldn't notice, and my parents wouldn't notice. My neighbour wouldn't even notice because she went home for the summer. Maybe someone would knock on my door when I 'forget' to pay rent? 

Now lets just say I survive this whole ordeal. Best case; study my ass off this summer, retake the exams, stop binging, start exercising, spend more time with friends, and get a therapist. It won't change the relationship I have with my family, and at this point I'm too far to ever think anything is really going to change. 

**How do I cope? How do I accept that I have to try and live, not just by, but also for myself? Without family being any form of support?** **How does anybody do that? How do you heal yourself when all you want to do is just waste away?**

I don't like myself, I havent for most of my life. I'm a very rational person, and most of these emotions aren't rational at all. I have long accepted that I'll never be able to form a stable romantically emotional connection to anyone, I just don't know how to, so romantically I know I'll be alone, and its fine. But still a small part in my heart hoped for my family to take notice, eventually. Now I have to come to terms that is just not going to happen. 

**I'm so sorry for the long text, and if you read everything, wauw thanks!**   
**I know its a lot of very privileged struggles. I keep thinking about children that are downright rejected by their parents and how I'm not allowed to feel like this. But that doesn't change that it's still there, so for that I apologise.** 

&amp;#x200B;

Maybe I'll delete it in a few hours when I stop crying and come back to my senses. Advice would be nice? I also like reading, so maybe book recommendations?