I'm looking for feedback, as well as some personal support. I feel quite sad and unsure of things at the moment.

My boyfriend of eight years and I had a fight last night that ended with a tenuous truce. We've had a loving yet difficult relationship, and while both of us have made consistent strides to improve our behavior towards each other, it seems like we continue to have some of the same arguments over and over. I don't know what to do at this point.

His side of the argument: I am too negative, don't focus on solutions to my problems, and have not done enough to address my bad moods for the past several months. He resents it.

My side: Yes, I feel depressed lately. But when I open up to him about it, I don't feel heard. Instead I feel like he tries to control the conversation by interrupting and criticizing, destroying any theraputic effect for me - which is to vent and be reasonably validated. Simply put, I want empathy - not a cold analysis or judgment. That empathy and validation allows me to break out of my negative state more easily, which leads to a train of thought that's more solution-oriented.



He's a supportive, wonderful person that I love dearly. Unfortunately, we're headstrong and argumentative - him moreso than I, and he's generally better at making a case. Progress in this area for us has been very slow.

Our argument went like this: 

• I complained about something, unrelated to him 

• He offered a cold analysis of the complaint meant to invalidate it

• I attempted to illustrate why my complaint is indeed demonstrably valid

• He interrupts, criticizing my complaint as exaggerated

• I complained about him interrupting and ask him to just listen. Our argumentative sides flare

• We go back and forth until he admits that he resents hearing my negativity, using phrases like "broken record" and "negative bullshit". He walks away and now we're both pissed off

• We cool off for 2 hours, then begin again; it's apparent we're still simmering

• He says it helps him when I preface my vent with a positive affirmation, even if I don't personally believe it

• I tell him that method makes me feel like I have to sugar-coat my feelings. I insist that I just want a few minutes to speak my mind without being interrupted, which allows me to become more positive. I explain that I need to be able to be vulnerable and bear my heart if I'm going to be able to trust someone, and I need to be validated in order to build my self-worth (**very important**); in turn I can keep the venting brief and talk more about solutions. Historically, this is the most effective way for me, and it allows us to get what we both want

• We fight about this point for several minutes, accusing the other of being uncompromising

• He claims I can't handle criticism and that I'm incompetent in managing my BPD; says he's tired of my bad moods and that he doesn't want to validate me; then says something to the degree of "This is what I have to deal with and it sucks". We're angry again by this point 

• I told him if he can't handle it, "there's the door". This upset him.

I clarify, explaining that if he can't handle being with a person with BPD, then our relationship won't work. I want to change, but I won't be shamed into it. I need support and I'm willing to get it in such a way that doesn't bleed him dry, but I NEED that validation, in some way. He refuses and gives up, angry. I tell him, "Look, we both need something from the other. A compromise can eventually be reached". We haven't spoken much since, keeping a guarded distance between us.

I'm sure there are things I left out. I recognize there are two sides to every story.

To his credit, I understand it's difficult to be around a consistently negative person. And my self-worth is ultimately my responsibility. But in relationships, I really need help when it comes to exposing vulnerability, and validation helps me become more comfortable in being intimate with a person. I know it's a special need, but it's a need nonetheless, which is why I insisted on it.

I want to be less negative and I want us both to be happy, and I don't want him to feel drained. I've started doing research into dealing with my negative moods in a different way than I've been doing. And I already have an idea of what I'm going to tell my therapist tomorrow (I do go to therapy), which is, "Yeah, I think I need to get back on meds, this isn't working anymore". 

I'm seriously tempted to give into his position, but I know we'll just end up in the same place again, arguing. How do you stand up for yourself in a situation like this? Where did each of us go wrong? And how can we make things right again?

*edit: fixed formatting

*edit: left out details