...but also about as well as you might expect, too. We are both trying very hard to make this work, and it does work, but man oh man do the arguments get intense. We are both very adapt at circular arguing, and sometimes this makes our arguments go on for hours and hours, to the point where neither one of us even know what we are talking about anymore. We will devolve into arguing like, the philosophical meanings of words. That's how abstract it gets. For my part I've been learning more constructive ways to communicate, but ultimately I've just been sort of shutting down and saying "Ok babe" and trying to avoid it. Because we are both just trying to 'win' the argument, and it seems totally pointless to me now. But ever since I've started doing this, I'm feeling a big rift growing between us. I think it really, really makes her mad when I won't engage with her, and I try to explain that I'm doing it because I think it's healthier for both of us not to turn a minor disagreement into some deep emotional debate. It really hurts my feelings when she reacts with extreme anger to me basically just saying "You win, you're right, I'm sorry". I don't know what else to do. I know that I am an arguer and I also have BPD, I know that our problems aren't all on her, but what I'm seeing now is that I am trying as hard as I can, doing everything I can, to make this work and to get better and get my BPD under control, and I don't see her doing that.  


Here's an example of a common problem that we have. We like to joke around and tease each other and stuff, but sometimes it can go a little too far and we can accidentally hurt each other's feelings. As an example of a time that I hurt her feelings on accident, she had just gotten a new haircut and I made a joke about it. As soon as I saw that it actually hurt her feelings, I started falling over myself apologizing and I felt very guilty, and made sure to not ever do that again. As an example of when she does it, she "pranked" me by pulling my shorts down while I was walking past her. This really embarassed me, and it brought me back mentally to abuse from my mother's boyfriend when I was small. I was very, very upset and told her that I didn't like that and not to do it again. She doesn't apologize, immediately she started chewing my head off saying that I was intentionally making her feel bad for "playing", and that she didn't know I was a sensitive snowflake who can't take a joke. I told her that it doesn't matter if you were joking or not because I didn't like it. She said well fine, I won't even joke around or play with you ever again and then slammed the bedroom door and locked herself in all night, refusing to talk to me because I hurt \*her\* feelings by telling her that she hurt my feelings. She was still mad in the morning, so \*I\* apologized to \*her\* for letting her know that I wasn't comfortable with something that she did.  


I don't think I need to explain why that wasn't a good way to handle it. I have just come to realize, in the 4 years we have been married, she has never once apologized to me, but I apologize to her for things that I don't even do. Like if we get Taco Bell and they mess her order up, \*I\* apologize for that, because if I don't she will get mad at me. I am also on the autism spectrum and she knows that certain sounds, especially if they are loud, cause my intense physical and emotional distress and she will play those sounds at full volume to punish me. I don't know what to do anymore because we do love each other, she just has some kind of inability to apologize or to look seriously and critically at her own behavior. Does anyone else here have a problem saying they're sorry, and if so, what did you do to get over it? Does anyone have any advice for me? Was two people with BPD getting married a really stupid idea? I'm lost.