I am directionless in life. No passion and no useful hobby. I am really bad at school while being in an expensive private one  and my younger siblings who go to school  for free are very smart and do well. I have a lot of pressure in life that having no direction, always disappointing, gives up easily, copes a lot by hiding from my problems. There are times I try to tackle these problems and when I tackle them no one takes me seriously. I was studying for exams like very seriously which I rarely do and I was in a call with my classmates reviewing with them and doing self made quizzes. My mom goes in and disregards all the studying I have just dont and tells me to study seriously when I was literally holding a reviewer I made by myself. I know she sees me as someone who doesnt do well. And what made me even more depressed is that she told me to study seriously when I already am. All my efforts no one aknowledges them. Even if it doesnt help me progress much despite doing it seriously atleast praise me. I have never been good at achieving.   Never first, third or even at top 10. People around me dont take me seriously Im nothing but a joke, a clown, a loser. I KNOW IM BAD AT STUDYING I KNEW THAT YEARS AGO. Stop making me feel more miserable than I already am. I feel inferior to everyone. I get compared and then I feel very down. Even of they show care and truly care about me I just cant feel it. All this stress is causing me depression. The pressure keeps piling up even no matter how much I try to lessen that pile. I give up easily and things that happen to me make me want to give up even more. My life has been very negative especially when I view myself in a negative way. Ive gained weight because of all this stress and I have been getting scolded for quitting going to the gym when school started. They dont understand me they dont try. I am a loser. The more pressure given to me the easier I give up why cant they understand that. Why cant my parents understand that. All they do is give expectations and expectations and get disappointed. These expectations give me more pressure. There are times where they say things like "what are you doing with your life" "why are you direction-less why are you so indecisive". I know its their fault. It is mine. I am very sorry for being a useless eldest son who just disappoints people. Sorry for being stupid and never meeting your expectations. I am miserable and directionless. Why am I like this why was I born like this. Why cant I change. I feel afraid to change. I dont want the comfortable parts of my life to disappear. I dont want more pressure to be added on this incredibly huge pile.I have had thoughts of suicide multiple times. I feel like continuing living will just cause me more pressure and depression. I am sorry for being a negative person and underachieving.I know I am hopeless in life and the only thing that I can hope is that my parents would forgive me for the way I am. For being a weak minded loser who cant stand pressure at all. For being someone who thinks suicide is the only way out. I am very sorry.