First off, I want to say that my experience isn't as bad as some of the others out here. I have no intentions of putting an end to my life as of now.

However, I have dealt with depression on and off for years, and I have been in a depressive episode for almost a year now. Only a month ago I got off the waitlist and in with a therapist who can help me (there is a huge shortage in my country right now).

\`\`\`\`\`\`\`\`\`\`\`\`\`\`\`\`\`\`\`\`\`\`\`\`\`\`For a depressed person I'm actually doing rather well. I can hold down a job at a prestigious company and I'm performing okay-ish (I spend all of my time distracting myself from my feelings with work), I am also a high performance athlete competing nationally, and I am working on a journal article on the side.

The issue is that as my mental state has gotten increasingly worse, I find it harder and harder to keep up with my life. I have stopped competing in my sport (though I'm still doing most of the training), let go of my diet and gained weight, and my performance at work is decreasing.

I wish I could just stop it all. Take something to numb the pain I've been feeling and just drop everything I've been doing; training, friends, work, academia, household, personal hygiene, etc. But I know it'll make me feel even worse and I will regret it. 

Anyways, I don't know what i wanted to achieve by writing this post, I just wanted to get it off my chest.