TW suicide

I had a gf for new years whom I split on hard. I broke it up and regret it very much, you wouldn't believe. I still have some stuff I should ship back to her but it's so painful, every time I try I feel so much regret and self hatred and freeze up.

Since then I had nobody. My mom or dad eventually check up on me but I feel very little if any connection anymore. My dad has had anger issues ever since I could remember and is probably part of my childhood trauma.  
My mom literally tries to get anyone I talk about in to a MLM. I told her I don't want that but she ignores it.

Next up, I'm a trans woman. I've outed myself to everyone I meet just to stop any awkwardness or confusion and I'm happy to answer any questions somebody may have.  
A friend tried to get me back in to a group and go to meetups, but I fucked up. I interpreted his openness and advances as flirting and I agreed to meet him at a bar. We talked a lot, I was having fun just because I felt like I belong to someone again, someone will miss me if I'm gone, someone will care about me when nobody else does. Someone values what I have to say. At the end of the day, I took the last tram of the night, mentally and emotionally exhausted and gave him a kiss on the cheek and went home, dreaming about how everything will change for the better, how I wasn't alone anymore.  
Next morning I ask if he wanted to do something again, hang out and watch a movie on his couch and cuddle or anything really. And I guess the other shoe finally dropped and he told me he was "straight". In the beginning he said he always thought of me as being 100% female and said I'm brave for transitioning, and sent a lot of lovely messages with a ton of heart emojis and anime clips and GIFs about cuddling.  

So yes he told a trans woman she wasn't enough of a woman for him. But he still sees me as a woman and a friend, just not a "bio-woman" worthy of dating. Literally the worst thing that could be said to any trans person and I blew up on him, deleted my accounts, left everyone behind I ever knew. And I'm once again completely isolated, only going out for shopping or appointments I can't cancel. 

I think about reversing my transition because what's the point if I'll never be a "biologically born woman", if I get hurt or hurt someone every time I try to get close to them.

I looked in to suicide methods and think I found two I could pull through. I also tried to call the suicide hotline but they had no concept of trans People or why shit like that hurts so much, and didn't really know anything about modern ideas about gender and sexuality.  
So that's it, I can literally get the stuff I need to remove myself from existence on eBay or even in larger grocery stores. I'm hurting, alone and ready to give up. But seriously, who even cares?