This is my first post but I’ve been lurking for so long some of you feel like close friends. 

My birthday is on Monday. I have hated this day for 35 years. I’ve worked so hard on managing my BPD and other diagnoses and made so much progress. But *damn*, has this week before been brutal. I feel like i am relapsing. 

I have had one friend ask me if I plan to do anything. I have a lot of people in my life who I show up for and celebrate and yet every year, my bday exists as the yearly reminder that no one actually cares for me in the way that I care for them. I still don’t have anyone who shows up for me. 

I think what hurts the most is that (a) many of them know my bday is important/hard for me and (b) this year i freaking deserve to be celebrated. ESPECIALLY this year. 

So I figure this was a good place to share some of my wins since my 34th birthday. 

In 11 months I have: 
•• developed + maintained the best therapeutic relationship in my life
•• saw a MD for the first time in 6 years after years of medical anxiety
•• got a psychiatrist and started medications to manage a range of dx symptoms
•• completed 2 outpatient programs for PTSD and anxiety, and on my third now
•• started EMDR to process unlocked trauma and two years of consistent nightmares and flashbacks
•• began *finally* taking care of my physical health after living in a 300+ lbs body for 20 years and just hit 100 loss from my highest weight (spoiler alert: the trauma very much had to do with the weight)
•• oh - and lived in complete isolation during a pandemic for 6 months! Conquered intense OCD triggers, self-injury, persistent suicide ideation, agoraphobia and so much more.

Upon reflection, the fact that I can even identify the above feels really good. I wasn’t able to do that before writing this post out. 

I wish I was better at clapping for myself. Rather than craving someone else to do it for me. I should be showing up for myself because I deserve it and I am the one putting in the work. Not because I need to be more loved by them. 

I think that’s the next step for year 35.