I have a very traumatic past.  Sometimes, (especially at night trying to fall asleep) I will imagine myself being violently beat or even killed and that calms me down. I have no idea why this makes me feel calm or back in control of my emotions. I have looked this up many times and I can't find anything. I do not enjoy imagining these things and I am deeply ashamed of it. I don't self harm, I'm not suicidal and I'm not a violent person at all. This is why this is so disturbing to me. I have used this mental coping as long as I can remember. It always begins with the thought "and I started screaming" followed by the violent thoughts. After I run through the scenario I feel calm. I really hate this but I cannot control my anxiety any other way sometimes. Any insight as to why this works and how to change it so I don't feel really weird and crazy????