Hey friends!
I’m in therapy again, after a referral back in September (love that NHS), when my insomnia kicked in and my compulsive behaviour got really bad. I would check my partner’s instagram to make sure he wasn’t cheating, I would call him late at night, I was terrified I was a horrible girlfriend etc. I compulsively turned off switches on the walls to prevent fires when I left the house. I wanted to die. So I was actually diagnosed with OCD. Two years ago I had a diagnosis for Body Dysmorphic Disorder, and I was afraid of leaving the house. After insomnia and self harm, I was put on medication. Medication has been the one thing that holds me together. Otherwise any stressful situation or overstimulation makes me fall apart. Out running I became so overwhelmed with hatred and fear of people on the path I broke down. Just because there were too many people.
Since I was young, I have had trouble regulating emotions. Have been seeing counsellors since I was 14. This is probably because my mum had issues with stress, depression and rage. Sometimes she was super soft and gentle, other times she was completely horrible. Even violent.
She would call me either too sensitive or if I was numb I was “uncaring” about her illness (she had cancer). 
Im in CBT now. But about two weeks ago I started reading about DBT, and talking to my friend about mental health. I discovered what BPD was. Suddenly I felt like- I fit. I knew what was going on. None of my prior diagnoses ever clicked. I always thought I was not sick enough to have Ocd. I was always too mentally functional to be ill, too unstable to be normal. Nothing felt right.
My issues are, at their core, to do with abandonment and emotional instability. One time I got driven to suicide by an argument with a friend (age 15). Never had fights with my boyfriend but i would sob uncontrollably with him thinking he was replacing me. I hug my dad compulsively when I think he is going to die. I can be numb for a week, then devolve into tears. I can hate someone for two hours then love them if they say something nice. I have no idea who I actually am? I feel like im just copying what I see my friends do, or what I see on tv. Even changed my name last year because I hated my normal one, but now Im uncomfortable with both names. Im just, uncomfortable with myself in general. For a while I worried I was a narcissist 
I’ve shown my boyfriend (now ex) and my dad about Bpd and they both say it’s like me. My therapist does not treat personality disorders, she has said i need to see a gp then a psychiatrist. Its a lot
I feel okay right now, on meds which makes me feel sort of blasé or hyperactive. So honestly maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe I’m just a normal hormonal twenty something? Maybe I’m just lazy and looking for an excuse for all my mistakes idk? Can never find motivation for things or concentrate but that might just be how I am? Rather than an illness. My therapist relative said I shouldn’t go online or seek a diagnosis like that or self diagnose.
 Im kinda stuck because after seeing and talking about it, BPD has made my emotions understandable.
Would love some help