TW: Child Sexual Abuse

I was looking for something in my bedroom and as I searched underneath my bed, I found a journal. I had no idea what was in it as most of the pages were blank I assumed I had drawn in it or whatever. So out of curiosity, I looked at what was inside. And I was mortified. I wrote about some of the sexual abuse I had endured. I was like 12 or 11. And I don’t even really remember what I was writing about specifically. I have loose memories here and there as the events were repeated throughout middle school. I don’t remember the perpetrators or what they but I could not have made it up.

When I read the pages I thought to myself, “I feel bad for her.” It didn’t even feel like I wrote it because I don’t remember it. I am so detached from the memories, moreso than I thought. I rarely think about it. So I ask again, does anyone else go through this? Having proof a traumatic event occurred but still not being able to remember it or attach yourself to the situation? It feels like a different girl went through this and I can’t tell if I just grew up or what...I just feel really nervous thinking about how horrible it all was and how removed I am. 

I am not really interested in recollecting what happened by the way. I think it would really fuck me up to remember what was done to me. I have enough memory of enough abuse and I don’t want more. Could it be a coping mechanism my brain created? I don’t know...It’s making me question a lot right now and I feel so sick and sad. Hopefully someone relates.