Haven’t had my meds in a couple of weeks, hopefully I can remedy that soon. 

Met up with someone and hung out, we hooked up. Part of me feels shame about it. We were vibing, it felt right. 

Now as I’m sitting here I’m like, “is she actually going to call me back.” I dunno, I wanted to make her feel good. I’m sure y’all understand that. I’m just worried I got used. 

She just left so I’m kinda spiraling mentally. It was nice and she said she’d come over again if she had a day off from work this week. If not the weekend. Why can’t my brain trust anyone? It’s like I’m so used to disappointment I can’t even let myself be happy. 

And I am happy, I mean I’m struggling in life currently, I’m just not where I want to be. But I have reasons to be happy. I’m trying my hardest to be conscious of the decisions I make and not self-sabotage but part of me wants to sell all my shit and just run away. It’s all so normal…mundane. Apathy is the only work I can use to describe life. 

It’s not like we’re in a relationship but maybe it could be one, I’d like that. But that’s gotta be a two way street and the uncertain future is a scary thing. I can handle rejection fine but I can already feel how attached to this person I am. I’m not sure what to think of it all. I’m a mess.