I’m 13 and really miss my childhood.Most people will probably see this post as a joke and honestly I wish it was. I miss that naive innocence,that feeling where I wasn’t really insecure about anything. I miss being close to my parents and actually feeling loved. My life right now doesn’t feel real it’s just really empty. I want to improve things but after a while I always feel like “things are going TOO well I have to change that”. I miss not having weird,sexual thoughts. I miss not overthinking everything. I feel like a total waste of space,I have no amazing talents,I’m not contributing anything to the world either. 

Don’t expect anyone to comment on this so this is where I talk in my random jargons:) Realistically I know that if I suddenly vaporised,my existence would be similar to Syme’s. Yeah people like Winston would wonder where I was but it’s not like anyone actually fucking cares about me. My view on the world feels like “all people are equal but some people are more equal than others” - i hate myself. I take other people’s opinions as facts, I undervalue my achievements and get really jealous of people easily.  I feel so much like Luke Castellan, similar to him being controlled by kronos I feel controlled by that voice in my head. I know it’s LYING but I still believe nearly everything it says. Afterwards I know it’s false yet I’m so fucking dumb that I still believe it. Like sometimes I see this shadowy tall figure and it scares the shit out of me. But I KNOW HES FAKE. Sometimes I feel like he’s gonna kill me but it makes absolutely no fucking sense but I’m always like “what if?”. I’m always so indecisive I never trust myself. I’m so quick to jump to conclusions and it often backfires. Like I often think im being watched when I rationally know im not. It’s similar to how Winston reacts around the telescreen except for him there’s a massive metal box to prove he’s right and for me there’s NOTHING. If I were to guess how my entire life will be like,I’d say it would be like Winston and julia’s relationship. O’Brien is the voice in my head and charrington is the consequences of my actions. Even though I want to stick to my ideals it all comes crashing down. I eventually still believe shit I don’t want to. And it fucks up my life. And now, I feel like I’ve betrayed myself. I’ve already lost myself so tf is the point of living? It’s not like im gonna kms either because im too scared. 

I have to sleep now because it;s really late where i live and have school tomorrow. This post’s like winston’s diary, i don’t exactly know who im writing this to, I don’t really expect myself to DRAMATICALLY change, and I guess that’s not that bad. Sometimes I want to tell that voice to SHUT THE FUCK UP because it doesn’t realise how much it’s hurting me. But overall I know I’m still in control. I can live a decent life if I want to and that’s enough. Ok now fr tho gn, this feels a lot better than journalling shit down, I’m actually tryna make my thoughts cohesive in case I even have one reader lol