I was diagnosed with BPD about 2 weeks ago. I always knew there was something wrong with me-

uncontrollable anger outbursts
mood swings.

I hated when my parents would leave me alone in the house; I’d have complete mental breakdowns when I was left alone. 

When I feel the stress of life to be too much, I completely disassociate from reality, time moves differently when I’m in that state. It’s like it doesn’t exist until I come to and realize how much time has gone by.

I’m pretty much completely withdrawn from society; I go to work, go to the gym and go home. That’s it. I can’t stand being around people because I’m afraid they’ll see me for who I really am and not want to be around me. I avoid people to avoid any chance of a bad thought entering my mind. 

And the suicidal thoughts and ideation. Jesus Christ. I have OCD as well so I think of killing myself as a knee jerk reaction to a lot of things, I understand that they are intrusive thoughts.. most of the time. Going through the cycle of being okay, being angry to the point of derealization, depression, suicidal thoughts, then being okay again. I just want the cycle to end, like permanently. Every time I go through a cycle I know I get closer to ending it. I know I shouldn’t but I want to. Started looking up gun stores near me so I know that a part of me is serious about this, and honestly, that is a freeing feeling. I know I shouldn’t kill myself but there’s a small part of me that is glad that I am taking steps in the right direction to end this pain I’m in. It’s not like I’m not going to go to the store tomorrow, buy a gun and blow my brains out. But I’m glad that I’m slowly becoming more open to the idea, more accepting of it. 

I don’t know exactly why I’m posting this, I don’t think it’s a cry for help or anything like that, I know that I’ll be back to “normal” within a few days so I guess it’s just to begin a more in depth record of my thoughts and emotions for when I am not here anymore eventually. So my parents can have a deeper look into my brain.