Granted, there’s only 3 people in my life at this point and one of them I’m pissed at because she doesn’t talk to me anymore. Point is it’s not massively exceptional to be angry at 3 people at once but I can’t fucking put into words how deep the rage for them is.

Two most prominent right now are my mum and her fucking pathetic husband. I was forced to move back in with her at the start of the year when my depression lost me my job, and I’ve fucking regretted not just accepting homelessness ever since. Those two people people got together, they became a fucking cancer. A fucking black tar pit of all humanity’s most repulsive traits. 

Had a massive fight with my mum about an hour ago cause she apparently had absolutely no choice but to make some totally unnecessary anti-Semitic comment that was based on literally nothing (they both have increasingly white-supremacist ideals that have only increased since they met). She knows full well shit like that makes me uncomfortable and that I won’t ever agree, so I can’t think of any reason to say it other than to start a fight. Then I do lash back, and she turns into the fucking shocked Pikachu meme, and acts like she’s a victim. Then they both go into the kitchen and whisper about me when they think I’m outta earshot cause they’re the most pathetic cowards I can imagine. Fucking Peter Pettigrew looks like Steve Rogers compared to these fucking wastes of oxygen.

And then I’m stuck with a slow-burning, boiling under the surface kinda fucking rage towards my ‘friend’. Don’t think I can even use that term in inverted commas anymore. She was the only ‘friend’ I’ve ever actually had, but I guess I’m also realising that it was never really a friendship and that fucking pisses me off too. 

I get that I’m not easy to be friends with. No one ever really tried until she did, for good reason. But I told her over and fucking over the reality of who I was and what I’m actually like. And she was adamant that she “wouldn’t ever leave”. But if course, after the self-harm, the drinking, the suicide attempt and me getting feelings for her, I pushed her to her limit. That makes sense to me, those were the choices I made and I can live with that, her leaving was the expected outcome.

What I didn’t expect is for her to string me along for some fucking reason I can’t figure out. After I told her I had feelings for her, something every obviously changed. We only saw each other in person one time after that, when we’d text, I’d barely squeeze 5 replies outta her before she’d leave me on read for like a month. Again, thats what I expected, things get weird, we stop talking. 

But the part I really don’t fucking get is why the fuck she’d keep actually texting back after a month. I rarely initiated conversations, occasionally I did, but mostly I wanted the ball to be in her court. And she texted pretty much every month without fail, just outta the blue. But then she’d seem super uninterested in actually having a conversation, then leave me on read for another almost as soon as we start talking.

After she did that enough, I was confused enough to just ask her outright what the fuck was going on and she acted like things were the same as they’d always been. Said nothing was wrong at all. But it clearly fucking was, we used to text for hours. But if she didn’t wanna be friends at all, then why bother texting at all, especially if I’m not? It’s fucking infuriating, I don’t get it. And then the last time we spoke was after I asked if she wanted to hang out again cause I was in town, she “forgot” to reply, and then we had a short conversation where she left me on read again and that was the last I’ve fucking heard from her. That was 7 months ago.

She’s also sent me a “merry Christmas” text every year since we met and I didn’t get one this year, so I’d assume between that and the 7 month guess I’m just left to assume she’s finally let it die. It just fucking infuriates me that she wasn’t just honest when I asked her outright. Apparently I meant so little to her that she would rather make me constantly second guess for like a year whether I even still had a friend and lie to me, instead of making herself slightly uncomfortable for the duration of one fucking conversation where she just told me the truth to save me from having to go through that. That’s just fucking disrespectful, and I get that I’m fucked up, but I was pretty upfront about that from the beginning cause this was exactly the situation I was trying to avoid and she was the one who was too stubborn to listen at the time.

I just fucking hate people, and being this fucking angry at everyone in my life is making me wanna fucking cut myself all over but I can’t even do that anymore cause I can’t stand looking at the scars it leaves. Fucking hate being on this bullshit fucking planet.