I was able to talk to my psychiatrist a few days ago, and I spoke to him about certain patterns of behavior I observed in myself and that I had an idea what it could be (I have seen him on and off for three years, and from our first few meetings he instilled in me the idea that I could generate an informed opinion through careful research). 

We discussed for about an hour and I told him of my fear of abandonment, intensity of emotion, and my hardly successful attempts at controlling the turmoil inside of my head, among other symptoms. He asked me what I thought it could be, and I inquired about the possibility of BPD. To which he responded 100% in agreement. The next step is DBT. 

So here I am. I am kind of afraid. It is not my first diagnosis. I think I am just a little tired after three years of social work + psychiatric help, and this feels like starting all over again. He reassured me that all of the progress I have made in the past three years has been a direct result of all the hard work I have devoted to improving my ability to function in society and overcome a series of past trauma. 

Sometimes I forget that I started this journey alone. Only I understand what it has taken to get where I am. And even though for other people where I am now is not good enough, I can smile back at who I was three years ago and reassure him that he will be in a much better place, in time. 

Thank you for hearing me out. I appreciate any and all support. I hope that also in time, my future self can smile at who I am now because I am not giving up now. I am not giving up ever. As long as I can breathe, I can keep going:)