So I recently got diagnosed with BPD, and it has caused me a lot of shame and guilt about my past behaviour. I have had a bad habit of leaning on my friends emotionally cause "friends should be there for each other", but when you have BPD, that doesn't end too well. My friends inevitably pulled away, which made my symptoms worse. Eventually I ended up in the psych ward, and I discovered I had BPD.

I have been having some difficult conversations with those I hurt, some want space, others are more willing to keep being my friend as along as things are equal. All were frustrated and couldn't figure out how to tell me. I really don't blame anyone for leaving, I have been a terrible person all things considered.

Right now I'm trying to figure out how to best move forwards. I admit, suicide is something I'm considering. I'm also considering trying to fix my current life somehow, it might be difficult and take time, and I'm tired. My third option is packing up, moving across the country, starting fresh, and keeping my emotions to myself. 

I don't really know what to do, I guess no decision needs to made at the moment, but this seriously sucks.