Ok so heres the deal. 38 M NY. Obese lives at home with his elderly parents as a caregiver. Suffers from severe anxiety and depression. In treatment no meds.

I have a close circle of friends but they are younger then me. Care for them greatly.

Last week went on my first trip in almost 20 years sking upstate. Never been skiing. Dident ski but hung out. Had some anxiety but got though it and for the first time in a while felt truly alive.

Returned home a day later to the same old miserable environment with my parents who are so bitter and dysfunctional its painful.

Anytime theirs any problem they ignore it or blame me. My whole life these people have been so passive agressive and disfunctional and emotionally neglective for the longest time i never wanted to have a relationship or a family of my own because i thought this constant fighting and arguing was how it was.

Also because of my weight and low self confidence i never been in a relationship. Had 5 crushes in my life. None of them ever felt the same way i did. Not bitter at them i fully understand but i always think im not worthy of love or attention.

Everytime i had a crush it was painful and i hate getting them and when i do i always do whats right by them as i believe that if you truly do love someone u do right by them and help them on the path they feel they need to follow in life even if that path leads away from you.

My latest crush is my best friends girlfriend and shes half my age and idk if they know or not and i want them to be happy. Seeing them happy makes me feel alive and i know she can have a way better future with my friend then me and i know as an honorable person my job is to be there for them in any way i can be.

Heres the problem. In the nearly 3 years i know her (my friend i know his whole life so 25 years) she has kinda said things that make me feel good i cant help but like her. She has always tried to treat me as an equal, she has made comments drunk complementing me and said things along the line of “we are practically the same person” which only make me feel good about my self and fuel the crush which is painful for me.

I just wana connect with someone and feel free to be myself around. Even if its totally platonic and not being able to do that is killing me inside.

I feel like im slowly dying inside and ive spent countless nights alone in the dark in tears preying to god for advice and to do the right thing.

I know im not normal. I try to be. But im so scared of losing the people i love though no fault of my own cause of something i cant control and part of me would rather die then live though that.

What should i do? I cant live like this anymore. I just wana feel alive and be able to be myself with someone. Feel part of the human race.

Just to be paranoid and totally clear everyone is above the age of 18.