I’ve always had an unhealthy relationship with sex. I dress provocatively and I sleep with people I don’t want to sleep with. Then I met my ex husband and I was able to only be sleeping with someone I loved. overall our sex life was pretty good, I gave him everything he wanted and I cherished feeling close to him and maybe the best part of all was that I was no longer putting myself in sexual situations I didn’t want to be in. I certainly felt safe with him.

Until he left. 

Five months ago he left me over text. It’s been an unimaginably hard road and I’m really really suicidal but trying to keep going. Every time something hits me that hurts worse I feel more inclined to hurt myself... and I find myself seeking out more and more dangerous sexual situations to keep myself going. Then feeling shame and disgust after. Any time I feel awful, I am sleeping with strangers, or with one of “fuck buddies” who are exactly the wrong kind of people— guys old enough to be my dad, dudes who blow me off and treat me like shit but come over to fuck, conservatives... I’ve been asking for more violence during sex than ever. I don’t tell anyone I’m sleeping with what I’m going through, but someone recently asked me if I’m ok during sex because of how I was asking him to treat me. Another called me a poster child for trauma. Another said I clearly like “get used and abused across the board”. Today I’m having another rough day and I immediately went and made plans to meet up with some guy I met on bumble who’s been sending pretty aggressive texts. 

Not sure how to get a grip. Just feels like more marks on my bad record.