About a month ago, my therapist finally told me she was pretty sure I had BPD. She's been hinting at it since day one, straight up reading the diagnostic criteria to me at one point without specifying what it was for. Well, technically I'm not officially diagnosed yet because I'm still 17, but her and a few people she's talked to agree that I have BPD.

Despite me suspecting I had BPD for the past year, her saying it out loud just triggered something in me.

I know for a fact I have BPD, so I don't understand why I feel like this. I thought I would be relieved to finally hear it, but instead it just made me angry. It's like, "Oh, so I AM fundamentally broken? You think my entire personality is disordered? Let me guess, you think I'm a dramatic, selfish, manipulative piece of sh*t too, don't you? I guess I truly am an inherently bad person." I thought all of these things about myself beforehand, and I guess being told I had BPD confirmed those thoughts in my mind. So now I'm mad at my therapist.

I know not all people with BPD are abusive, I know I shouldn't listen to the stigma surrounding it, but it's hard to not believe having BPD makes me a horrible person when I have a lot of genuinely messed up thoughts and toxic behaviors. I feel like I'm the type of person people are referring to when they say people with BPD are monsters, and it makes me feel like I don't "belong" in BPD communities because I'm only making it worse for everyone else there.

I don't know why this is so hard to accept. It fits extremely well and explains so much, but it's like I don't want to believe it.