had ADHD and asperger’s my whole life but was left undiagnosed until the age of 15 when i finally did research on my own and made them test me. the classic depression and anxiety mix hit at around 13. got ptsd after a series of light rapes when i was 15, then got more ptsd after my closest friend and boyfriend told me repeatedly to kill myself after months of psychological abuse. the best thing i can say about him is “hey, he didn’t rape me once, and he only broke my belongings, not my bones!” thought it was getting better but turns out i’m also predisposed to bipolar II - just doesn’t hit till you’re 18-20! i have been on every SSRI, most SNRIs, every ADD med besides vyvanse and desoxyn. i have been on a fair deal of antipsychotics. i went to the hospital, i went to doctor after doctor after doctor, and none of it helped - except the klonopin, which i am most likely very addicted to. the past few months, everything felt like it was clearing up, that it would get better the way everyone promised it would... turns out that was a manic episode! it was fake! just another diagnosis to add to the list! i’m desperately trying to hold on to hope, but i know it’ll just keep building and building. i can’t afford a hospital, not even a partial. the suicide hotlines are just a link to 911, and no ER is going to trap me ever again. my memories are so deeply repressed that i can only retrieve them by ripping them out of me, and every single one cuts me to my core. do i try ECT? the new ketamine treatments? i don’t know what’s a symptom or a side effect of what. they just keep giving me pills hoping maybe one will work, but none ever do. i’m only 18. i want to kill myself so desperately but i can’t, and i don’t know how to proceed. i am so lucky, but my brain won’t listen, it just tells me to scream at the top of my lungs, tells me it would be best to just end it - i’ve seen what it’s done to those i inherited these sicknesses from, and i don’t want to end up like them. i don’t know where to go or who to speak to. i don’t know what path i haven’t tried. i don’t know if i’m even asking a question... the bipolar II is just the straw that broke the camel’s back, the final piece of my predisposed madness. every treatment is based around basic anxiety/depression - mindfulness and prozac and telling all your deepest secrets to a stranger who charges you money to do so. i can’t die, not for a long time, and i’m not even sure i really want to in the long run... but “coping” feels hopeless and there’s almost nothing i haven’t tried. i guess my question is: where do i go from here? what’s left for me to try? 