In the past few months I’ve been dealing with an overt narcissist. I have been fortunate in my life not to deal with many of them. In reading about narcissism to try to deal with this person, I started reading about covert narcissism and I think I am a covert narcissist, yet I’ve overcome a lot of the traits.  

When I was diagnosed with BPD my psychiatrist said I had “a bit of narcissism”. I always thought that what he meant referred to me being very sensitive to criticism etc...that I cared too much of what others think of me. I am a quiet borderline, most people wouldn’t know I have BPD. It’s all internalized, and so much is self-hatred. 

I beat myself up about everything. I am a perfectionist. I work in a social service job. I want every client to like me. I want every client to think I’ve helped them-i don’t want them to think I’ve a wonderful incredible saviour or anything-but I want them to think I am good at my job, that I am smart, competent etc. I do realize I want to perfect in so many aspects of my life. 

My self esteem is terrible. I have been working in fixing it. But I just can’t seem to. 

I don’t see myself as selfish. But I have started realizing I do talk a lot about myself and my own struggles. Maybe I am not selfish, but I guess I realized that when I was younger I was self-centred and maybe still am a bit. I think on the outside I appear to be a certain way, but deep down I am self-centred. 

When trying to research narcissism and BPD I just get stuff on overt narcissism and non-quiet BPD. This isn’t who I am at all. I want to overcome this, but can’t afford therapy. I feel this may be the problem that has effected most of my life. I don’t know how to overcome it though. I am wondering if anyone can help shed some light on it, or point me in the direction that can.