My timeline of descent is long. My memory deteriorated significantly during HS, I didnt drop in university, after which I hid from the world in my room, with only video games to escape reality; on top of me being abused in one way or another for my entire life, and basically living with Stockholm syndrome towards all my friends and parents. I was about to off myself after all this, but I chose to give therapy a chance. So yeah thats how I spent 3 years of my life. I took lots of meds and... i took lots of meds thats about it, didnt work.

This year, I talked to a psychiatrist which happened to know both of my parents, and she gave me hope. I made it into (private) university. I started working on myself. I began visiting doctors for my medical problems. I was fueled by hope I can distance myself from my family and start living... but, of course, out of all years, it had to be this year, with economic crisis.

So yeah i cant hope to distance myself from my family, and read a book without their voice, practice a hobby, socialize, live, do anything to repair what i've lost, alone.

I am not ready to resocialize. I am not ready for university studies. I dont have education to generate income myself. I cant even physically smile because I extracted a tooth.

I have money for therapist and private university, yet not for other things? I dont know anymore. I'm constantly being gaslit with we can afford anything, to we dont have enough money. I am afraid to buy food for myself, to seek a tooth implant, yet my parents recently got an expensive cooling system (which would save money in the long run), but guess whose room wasnt covered by the system? Like... everything is so irregular.

Everything was heavily summarized, and it still came 320 words long.

I'm pessimistic, nihilistic, perfectionist, alone (recently without even internet friends), i hate my depressive thoughts so much, I run to escape them in video games, reddit, youtube or maladaptive daydreaming.