life is so painfully cruel and mundane. i find myself constantly dreading growing up. i am terrified of being subjected to a job for the next 45 years until i can retire when i'm old and unable to do much anyway. i work a couple part time jobs and its so hard to listen to my older coworkers barely getting by and living pay check to pay check. i try my best to comfort them, but all i can think about is how i absolutely do not want to end up like them.

sure, there are happy moments in life like vacations, friends, etc., but these are a very small percentage of life. 90% of it is getting up and doing something we dread just so we can survive. get up, work, eat, relax, go to bed. I find it all terribly suffocating and depressing. we suffer so much just for everything to be meaningless. we are all going to die and be forgotten anyway. 

i am also extremely terrified of marriage. my parents are the "not divorced but really should be" type. for as long as i can remember i have never seen them express affection for each other. its exhausting hearing them fight all the time, and it breaks me hearing my mother sob alone in her room. now that i am leaving for college i can't imagine how this is effecting my little sister. 

and i even recognize that i am privileged. i did not grow up in a third world country with a 50/50 chance i'll survive past 5 years old. the fact that people do have to endure this is just a cruel reality that also weighs on me.

i wasn't sure where to post this or what i even want to gain from posting this. advice? people to agree with me? i don't know. maybe i just wanted to share my thoughts. i don't think i'm depressed, i just find the very concept of humanity depressing itself. i find the human life to be trivial and mundane with little to look forward to. i honestly do not know how i will find the motivation to continue living past 30.