Even on high dose benzos my mind spins its wheels and goes nowhere. Meds DO NOT work. Maybe they do for whoever but we are obviously all wired different. So i cant get ANY relief. The minutes are hours, daily. 

I dont hate myself at all but i also cant stop splitting because all i see is bullshit manipulative/selfish/greedy trash in people which negates all hope in the positive aspects even mattering in someone. They can have a cool personality, be attractive etc but then theres the CONSTANT selfishness and its so off-putting.  I find that the answer isnt meds or any of that for me. i do REALLY well and am very genuine until i see this shit, and then i split and throw the entire person out. Useless. You CANT communicate or ever be happy with takers. Why does bpd attract these types? So much instability happens because of peoples selfishness.... And theres an endless sea of it. I've dated TONS and met tons of women and its just not happening. Im not even hurt anymore and lost ability to feel love because when exposed to the same shit a zillion times... what else would happen? People see genuine as "weak" when actual strength is the ability to be vulnerable not play "try to get her mental walls down" Also if you're "too nice" but not even a pushover doormat idiot people get "bored"  and of course BORED is boring. How immature and ungrateful. There's always something to do.  "Fascinating" that the people with the least amount of having their shit together are "bored" Oh gee... you seemed to have forgot life isnt handed to you. Also If you're too much of a dick to navigate some peoples attraction templates then you deal with arguing bullshit. Its so draining. Im starting to see its just a people problem, i cant blame just the bpd. Im not manipulative or any of that but having some non reciprocal thing is useless. Im not a servant.  Lets not forget even being attractive and having charisma... people are ALWAYS hunting for "better" or just "different" (insecure and ungrateful as fuck) This just adds to the forlorn delights of trying to love.

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Im not one of these types that say "all people are trash! meanwhile meaning "i cant manipulate them so im so miserable !"

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If everywhere you go this type of shit happens then yes its you and me. But it DOESNT it only happens when trying to "date"  Share if you relate.