Skip to last paragraph if you don't want to read backstory🌸

Hi all, I'm looking for tips on how to feel full and satisfied after eating a meal. These days I have a terrible habit of binging and most of tbe time purging after because I feel so guilty. I have always struggled with my body image, especially because growing up I had multiple family members always telling me to watch what I eat and telling me that my portion sizes would make me the size of a house, or that I would end up like my mom, who is a little overweight (yes they really would tell me that). 

At the time I didn't understand but in hindsight my portion sizes were not excessive and I had pleasure from food. But all of these nasty comments in combination with social media and societal standards deeply warped my perception of myself and food itself.

Eventually I found myself in love with the gym in highschool and ate very healthy a majority of the time and would still indulge in treats. My relationship with myself and food was finally reaching a healthy place, until circumstances pulled me away from the gym. It was heart wrenching to be away from what was my escape from the world and my problems.

This, in addition to being in abusive relationships, led me down a dark path of food restriction. For an entire year I would limit myself to about 500 calories a day and nonstop caffiene, and would be fine eating a lollipop as a meal. It became almost impossible to even finish a breakfast biscuit from McDonald's because I would get so full. This continued on into college with a slight progression of eating more. I tried to get back into the gym but was very discouraged because I had been out for so long it felt like starting at square one again. I was on and off with going to the gym as covid kept opening and shutting down the gym.

I eventually found myself out of two abusive relationships and hitting the gym more often. I was tolerant of myself and even made the decision to finally get help for my mental health which I've struggled with all my life.

However, once I started psych meds that all went through the window. I did okay for awhile but at one point I just absolutely spiraled and lost myself. All I did was smoke weed and feel sorry for myself because my life felt such a mess. I eventually put myself in a treatment facility and "graduated" with the self help tools I needed.

But along the way, my relationship with food was obliterated. In combination with my psych meds *which are notorious for crazy weight gain* and now an insatiable desire to eat, and eat, and eat (probably to make myself feel better) I've gained at least 40 lbs in the span of 6 months. 

So now I feel even worse because I feel like I look like a bowling ball and my clothes are very hard to fit into. To make matters worse, people are commenting on my weight. Which we all know is a big NO NO. Even my Nana told me "you should stop eating or you're gonna get EVEN fatter' I've been trying so hard to hold myself together because I literally hate myself and it seems like everyone else does to. I have never felt more ugly and unsatisfied with myself.

So all in all, I know it's going to be hard to lose the weight I gained due to psych meds, WHILE on psych meds. But I need a healthy way to lose the weight without purging. First step is to stop binging so I don't have to purge. 

Therfore, does anyone have any tips on how to feel full and satisfied with the amount and type of food I'm eating???          I don't want to binge and purge, but I don't want to put myself back into the cycle of not eating at all.

Any help is greatly appreciated! 🤍🤍🤍