Hey everyone. Since I don’t have anyone to share these thoughts with, I figured the best way to find my answers on the internet. This may take a little too long but I just need answers, and I would be extremely happy if someone could help/share their opinions on this. (Not a native English speaker, so sorry if the story is too messed up)

I’m a 21 yo female. My mom gave me birth when she was 38, and my dad was 40. Growing up, I knew my parents were older than other kids’ parents, and that gave me horror. I remember crying every night to the idea of their death before I went to sleep. I remember if they left me in the car alone for 5 minutes, I’d think they left me for good or they’re going to die out there and I would start crying. I couldn’t even go to kindergarten, because when I did all I did was crying. Around the age of 6, I think it started to annoy them rather than concern, so they would just yell at me when I cried. I remember my mom caught me crying one night and asked me what’s wrong, I told her about my fear and all she said was “That’s how it works. We’re all gonna die someday.”. Still to this day, I highly doubt that is something you should say to a 6 year old. This kept going until I was 11 or so, until then I couldn’t even do sleepovers, because I would convince everyone I had terrible headaches so my parents would come pick me up. Then it got better in time.

And came back when I was 14. But not as in crying when they’re away, as in having suicidal thoughts during nighttime. I was rarely depressed during daytime, but my nights were the worst. I think it got triggered by plenty of things. One being, my dad being very moody and constantly quitting his jobs and finding new ones. That lead to financial instability and that lead to my parents being depressed during those times. I, was too, feeling depressed, so I started to take my sister’s antidepressants which she was no longer on. My friend, who became my boyfriend 2 years after that, got mad at me for using them without prescriptions. After some while, he was the one I opened up to every night, I would tell him how I’m scared shitless, how I cannot stand the idea of them leaving me and no one ever loving me again as much as they did, how everyone was going to leave me but they would never and I’m never going to be loved unconditionally again. In my head those were pretty valid arguments to take my own life then, but I went to see a professional with my mom anyways after him convincing me. I was 16 then. He asked questions about my childhood, asked questions to mom and adviced I should be taking Lustral for a while (what you call Sertraline I guess). Things got better, my relationship with him got better, my dad got better and everything was working fine. Sometimes I would stop taking my pills, that would, of course put me in a worse place, then we would go to my doctor again with my boyfriend so it was on and off with my pills (Used Buspon too, for some while). But overall, I was in a way better place then I was at the age of 14–15.

Then came 18. That was the year we were moving out for college with my boyfriend. Although I’ve been dreaming of to move to a whole another city, that brought my fears back. It was as if I was 6 again and I was crying myself to sleep every night, having panic attacks. So I started seeing my doctor again, and that’s when I was diagnosed with a general anxiety disorder. They prescribed me the same pills, and I was only on medication but wasn’t going to any therapy. I moved out, and it was a hell of a first semester but I learned how to live alone, be by myself and realized I wasn’t that dependent on my parents and that changed everything. Although I still fear and have anxiety over their death I think it’s the healthy amount of worrying right now. So I stopped taking pills.

Since then, I was doing perfect. Had a completely healthy relationship, was doing okay with my major. Barely had those panic attacks or that fear. There would be days when I was feeling down but I wouldn’t say it was an unhealthy amount. That is until I broke up with my boyfriend last November.

Here’s the thing- I think it never actually got any better, the idea of how I’m nothing without my parents. But my parents were replaced with him. I knew he would never stop loving me, took care of me as if I was his kid, I came first to him as if he was my mother. I think that is why I was so freely asking for space sometimes when I was depressed, because I knew he would just tolerate it. Until he decided it was too much. He said he still loved me and he always will, but it’s time to think of himself before he does for me for a while. I lost it, after that. I wasn’t depressed all the time as I was expecting to be. I was still me around people, the very energetic, cheerful me but some days I would wake up miserable and cut my legs. It wasn’t until 5 minutes later after cutting my legs I got ready for a date that night or to party with my friends. I got very unstable and it got me thinking, was it always the case? I’m always known for being how energetic I am, I am never depressed around people and even if I am it takes 5 minutes for me to start making jokes and laugh at myself. But when I’m alone, it’s this melancholia that keeps me thinking, makes me feel tired, cold in hands, this uneasy feeling at my chest. I’m going through a breakup right now, but I’m just realizing this is how it has always been. Two extremes. My mom would always say how I’m very deep with my emotions, whether they’re positive or negative. I think then I knew. I went to see a psychiatrist again this February. Told her about everything. She was the same doctor to diagnose me with GAD. She told me I should be seeing a therapist but we needed to stabilize my emotional state so she prescribed me Depakene. Didn’t use it. Didn’t see a therapist. Cutting myself very rarely right now, but these episodes remain. Can focus for a day, can’t focus on another. Everything I’m doing depends on this energy explosions and if they’re not there, it’s not happening. I still question what this is. Is it just sadness I’m feeling, rather than depression? Am I just a very happy person that sometimes feel down?

One more thing though. One more thing I was never able to share with my doctors. Just tried to mention to a friend, who said it was completely normal which I highly doubt as a 21 yo.

I imagine things. I’m doing this for years now. I find a place where I can be alone, say like the toilet, putting headphones on and thinking about different scenarios in my head. As if I had different parents, a different house, my friends are there and say my flirt is just watching us. And we’re having these imaginary conversations. I’m acting as if they’re happening. Moving as if they’re happening. And this calms me down. Makes me feel better. But when I’m out of that room, I know it wasn’t real and it doesn’t feel good at that point. Can you imagine doing this from the age of 7 to 21? I feel like a freak.

There are a lots of things I skipped. How I’m feeling bad about a very good night I spent with my friends, for no reason. How I push people away just because I feel like it. How I’m very impulsive and people are just leaving me for it. How I mention everyone I potentially have bipolar disorder so they would have their precautions and feeling bad about it afterwards.

I just don’t know what’s going on anymore.