I’m absolutely humiliated for having to disclose this publicly, but the shame and guilt is driving me to the point of dark thoughts. I’m currently 20 years old, and last year, due to my copious weed addiction that I had managed to get rid of recently, and my immense stupidity and immaturity, I did some horrible stuff online. I had discovered this live chat app on the AppStore, and would use it for hours for multiple days at a time at night and exposed myself naked. The application, although it advertises itself as a regular livestream meet friends application, more then obviously was designed for this purpose. The women on the application, never seemed to be from the US. They were from foreign South American countries or halfway across the sea, and almost every single one of them was there in either in curiosity or to “lure” you into calling them for extended periods of times by paying with in-app coins. Apparantely the app and others, are part of like this big thing and have made like 2 million a month from users by spamming with fake notifications and calls, women luring you in etc. I would either appear fully nude or reveal myself, and almost always the reactions were positive, and not in a luring gimmick kind of way but sometimes they were genuinely intrigued or would snap out of whatever internal script they had and engage with me. Of course maybe I’m just extremely delusional. It’s clear that the more coins members rack up, the more they get to cash out? I assume so because almost always they would ask you to send them in-game “gifts” that costed coins for them to expose themselves and everything. There were moments where I would sometimes show my face. I’m absolutely disgusted and horrified from what I’ve done. It’s also extremely difficult because I understand that sympathy is useless and undeserved. I acted entirely and purely on my own will. I feel disgusted and horrified at how I objectified women, even though internally I have such disgust for things like how society views women. 

I swear to god, I feel like my life is sealed and over. I cannot shake of the feeling and realities of what I’ve done. I feel like everything I ever done in there is stored away on some database, or all going to come back and ruin my life. I quite literally cannot imagine a positive future for myself, even though I go to a decent university, maintained excellent grades, and did a 180 from the disaster I was in high school. I have a deep deep passion for computer science, and dreamed/dream of one day working at a decent tech company. However as I try to be realistic, I realize this is already sealed and impossible for me. I feel like any simple background check would eventually reveal all of this. I never used my name, but regardless I feel like everything is easily linked back to me.. and why should I feel this way? It’s the internet. I sometimes read the stories about camgirls or people who did similar things in the past, and some of the replies from posts about people asking for perspective talk about facial recogniztion or how they sadly admit that the person probs screwed up there life. I get sick to my stomach thinking about all of this. I cannot understand how I was that person just months ago. I have absolutely no intention of ever even looking at any pornagraphic material, even online porn. It all just sends me into a spiral of misery and disgust. I feel so utterly screwed. My parents always ask me about my studies or how one day we will get out of the shithole we live in because if “I work hard in college I’ll have a good future”. But every time my throat begins to burn and feels like I’m being stabbed in the throat and heart, and my head gets extremely hot in temperature, because I know deep down I sealed away my life for good. I really cannot begin to imagine the extreme minority of people who have had to deal with this. Even on top of it, due to the nature of the digital age, no one in history can ever relate.

I’m not even sure what I’m looking for anymore. I guess I just wanted to let it out. I guess maybe I want some perspective? I guess maybe I just want some analysis on the realistic potential consequences or reality of the severity of everything. I honestly don’t know. Everyday the thoughts do seem to get darker in my head, and i feel so disgusted and like a true vile piece of garbage. Sometimes I don’t even consider myself human. I know the psychological damage I’ve probably caused to a lot of females due to this. I had such disgust for people like myself growing up, and even more so know, but looking in the mirror is the hardest thing to do now that I know that im just another person who exploited people for their own disgusting pleasure. I sometimes have days where it all numbs away, and im able to do what I love and learn and explore new things about myself and help out my family. But I have days where I cry all day and scream in my bedroom to the point of self destruction. I can’t stand what I’ve done and I can’t stand the reality that I’ve quite literally fucked up my future. In a way im@not even sure if I care that much myself about how I ruined my future, because sometimes im watching a movie with my mom in the living and I find myself staring at her and realizing all that she’s done and sacrificed her entire life to give me a chance of a better life then what she and my dad have, but I realize more and more how I fucked that up for good. Sometimes I hear sirens outside my window and clench up, cause I feel like it’s all over for me.

I’m sure any normal person probably reads this in disgust. Im sure I come off as extremely mentally ill or a degenerate in our society. I quite literally cannot see the end of the tunnel or am able to find hope of any kind. This is something I feel like I’m taking to my grave and will forever haunt me, whether my grave is in a few months or sometime in the long distant future. I think this is one of those things, like a lot of pornstars feel inside, that you simply will and never can run away from. It’s quite literally left me staying up entire nights sleepless. I don’t think this pain will ever end.

Is there really any way to get better from this