Oof, am I not proud about that one. I’m on the path of self-discovery, acceptance, and growth. Yesterday was a healing day for me. Despite still not being at the point where I see my ex/fp as someone who it could never work out with again, I do feel myself getting to the point where I’m ok with that and accept that sometimes the timing isn’t there. They’re moving on, and, given where they started and the rough shit they’ve been through, I can honestly say I’m so proud of them and it’s inspiring.

BUT…I wish I found someone who has the same negative tendencies as me. I don’t know, a relationship where we both treated each other as our fps but were trying to help each other through our codependency/BPD sounds so…perfect. Just having someone be obsessed with me and trying to have them “fix” me and me “fix” them, but this time with the knowledge of what I’m actually going through! And both of us aware of what’s actually not care, but obsession! But still getting that rush of talking to my fp all the time! And they’ll get it when I split and I’ll understand when they need space. 

I know it’s a bad fantasy. In my head, I file it along with all the other fantasies that are just that—things to fantasize about and that I should stop. I shouldn’t be trying to fix anyone and I don’t want anyone to be trying to fix me. I know first hand how terrible that space was. I guess I just wonder if I was more aware at the start with my ex, whether I could have actually been the positive force I always wanted to be.  

I get how having this fantasy just reinforces those negative tendencies I have. And I truly never want to be in the position where I switch between thinking my partner was perfect and then hating them for the simplest mistake—even the imagined ones or the nonexistent threats of abandonment.

I just needed to share this because…idk, it’s something I haven’t put down in words yet. If anyone is going through the same or has some advice, feel free to comment below :).