Long post, sorry. This happens frequently. I don’t know how to explain it without sounding like a horrible and ridiculous crazy person, but that’s how I feel anyway so I’m just gonna write it out. I feel very alone. 

Example: I’d been feeling pretty fine so far today, whatever. I’d been craving a smoothie super badly, and there’s a cart by my job that has smoothies I really enjoy.

I decided to go get one and it tasted really disappointing, not like what I’m used to or what I’d been expecting - it was super watery, warm, and was a creamy juice consistency instead of the smoothie texture I’d been hoping for. It was more like a smoothie that’d been sitting out and gotten warm and liquidy. This is where I start to get weird. :(

My eyes started tearing up because I was so disappointed, angry, and frustrated. I never know what to do with myself when this happens, so I went back to my car after stewing in frustration for a couple minutes. I told my boyfriend about it, but I barely feel like talking when this happens and want shut down a little because it’s a cycle of me not being able to explain how I feel &gt; no one understanding me &gt; me feeling isolated/crazy &gt; etc... so I feel like it’s usually better to be left alone.

Anyway, my day took a huge sharp decline over a SMOOTHIE. 
I had a thought about wishing that I could violently throw it up (I took 3 sips total) to get it out of my body, even though I’m emetophobic and haven’t vomited in almost 10 years. (And still won’t, I’m terrified)

I didn’t want anything to do with it and was almost angry that the smoothie was in my presence/vicinity and I wanted it to be gone. I was angry that I had paid for it and that I’d had some. I started feeling a little sick. I know this sounds crazy. I just wanted to throw it at something and was really mad.

I was angry at the guy behind the counter, who I was very nice to (I didn’t bring any of this up with him and he has no idea, logically I know this is ridiculous and not a big problem)
I was angry at my boyfriend, who tired to help and fix the situation but didn’t make it better. He went back and told them it was watery, etc. while I waited in the car. They told him that’s usually what’s to be expected with the smoothie I’d ordered (I’ve never experienced it before) and resolved it by adding a banana, which made me even more frustrated, because I expected him to come to the car with a refund or a new smoothie.

When this happens, I don’t know how to vocalize my frustration. I get violent thoughts about myself and think about how I want to just fucking kill myself already. I feel like screaming and yelling. I want to stab myself or smash my head against the concrete or tear my hair out or something. It’s extremely isolating because I know that 

1. It’s crazy
2. It makes ME feel crazy
3. I can’t even explain how I’m feeling to others, so it makes it more confusing for everyone involved... including myself
4. I don’t know why I get so MAD

Now, it feels like everything is going wrong. There’s a stain on the seat of my car, everything my partner does is frustrating me, etc. and it’s all cycling.


It’s like there’s so much frustration/disappointment built up inside that I literally can’t talk because I feel like I’m gonna go insane. It makes me shut down sometimes. It makes me think mean things about people around me, even if I’m close to them. I always get angry and think about violently being dead or hurting myself even if my intention isn’t to do so.

Does this happen to anyone else? I’m wondering if this is because of a different issue. I haven’t been able to successfully articulate or explain this feeling to a psychiatrist, my partner, or anyone and it makes me feel even more isolated and misunderstood. I hate everyone and I hate myself too. There’s all this anger and frustration and no way to get it out and it’s exemplified by the fact that I don’t know what’s fucking wrong with me. This happens all the time with silly, minuscule occurrences and they ruin my entire day. 

TL;DR My mood shifts in an instant and I don’t know what to make of it. It makes me feel miserable and hateful and misunderstood. I don’t know what it is or why it happens.