This is one of those posts I will dearly regret even formulating into words. But I really do not know how much I have left in me.

19M, severely depressed, anxiety, two months and counting. Unfortunately high-functioning, so nobody ever understands how bad it truly is. Once you've taken a shower and taken your meals, it seems preposterous to most people that you're suffering as much as you are. I think the only people who really care are my parents, and one or two friends. 

People only care as much as they find it convenient. It's only a matter of how out-of-their-way they're willing to go. And I am not someone who asks for much either, sometimes all it takes is an ear that will listen. 

If it weren't for the love for my family, I would've killed myself over a month ago. It hurts so fucking much. Sometimes I tell myself I can just wait it out until I drop dead naturally at 70 or whatever, but most of my daily experience is insufferable. Nobody should have to live like this.

I constantly find myself thinking about how kind it would've been to have never been born. Holy fuck life is miserable. I don't even know why I'm making this post honestly. It's reached a stage where acceptance from other people doesn't really matter anymore, and everything I try to make it better indirectly makes it worse.

Had a terrible therapy session, I couldn't finish a single thought and it was all word vomit. That's how this post feels too. Somewhere inside me there's someone suffering and he's losing the ability to put it into words as it gets worse. 

I'm at my wits' end for like the tenth time, and every time I tell myself this is the worst day of my life I'm always wrong, and it always gets progressively worse.

I find it comforting to think that there is an escape, but I know for a fact that I don't have the fucking gall to do it because I will value my family's suffering above my own. But holy fuck is it hard to stay. Please make it stop.

And I don't even know if I've even hit the right spot in pointing out where it hurts, but it fucking hurts. A lot. I think it's only a matter of time before I up and do it honestly. I don't see any way forward. Existence is a curse.