Im going to list the TWs because theres a lot to be listed: Suicidal Thoughts, Drug Abuse, ED Mention, Unreality. 

Ive never posted in the subreddit so I dont know the proper formatting (Im also making this on mobile) and stuff for this but Im seeking help. 



Ive been struggling with BPD symptoms for a long time and have gone through many breakups and losing someone I was attached to, but this time. This time, with this ex, I think its broken me. Ive never experienced true heart break, the ones that everyone with bpd describes. It feels worse even with the fact that I was left for someone else and I saw my ex falling in love with them. We still live together too (They are moving out at the end of the October) But im scared. Even if they treat me like crap now and dont want anything to do with me now and after they leave. They are never going to contact me again. I believed that I was going to love this person for my whole life. I loved them so much, we lived together for a year too. Im so used to having them around my apartment, my room, in the bed with me. Even now when theyre away at work and Im stuck alone at the apartment, I miss them. I feel like when theyre actually gone for good and I never see them again that Im going to die. That Im dying right now, slowly, because I cant live without them. My chest feels so hollow and aches. I have no motivation to eat either until I have such low blood sugar I start to shake, vomit, and faint. I also smoke weed so much now, I get high every single day. I cant go to work anymore, I keep having breakdowns and calling out, but I dont want to lose this job though. I just feel like i cant take it anymore. I want to stop feeling like my only escapes from this pain is to let myself die or abandon my current life and restart everything somewhere else. I want to get better but it just hurts so much. I cant stop crying and sobbing. I want to scream and curse and ask to whatever god out there why this happened. i loved them so much, even without a romantic context. i need them around me, i dont want them to leave. it feels so unreal and like theres a chance it could stop, butit wont. i dont know how to expect the reality that theyre going to be gone. I dont know uow im going to move on and recover. it feels like i wont. it feels like im really going to waste away and die when they are gone for good. if u want to share advice, please do. itsokay if not though, i just wanted to also let this out in a community that would understand