Yesterday I found out that my mother was essentially forcing me to relive part of my childhood trauma. When I was 14 my mother abandoned me and my father figure to go live across the country with a guy she met on the internet. She barely stayed in touch and the man she left me with wasn't even my legal guardian. I still love him as a father but her act of leaving along with my biological father disowning me when I was young solidified in my head that I was abandoned and unwanted. I barely saw her for years and when my father figure and I moved across the country because she told us to, she still was hardly around. The most I saw her was when I was 18.

Yesterday I found out that she is in some hotel right now with another man she met online and she has been there for a week or more. She has left her cats, the things she loves more than even me, all to chase after another guy. I'm 20 now and it's like of course I shouldn't be bothered by my mother finding love however she can or what she does with her life but I feel like I'm 14 again and finding out that my mom has up and left. 

My reaction to finding out this info was.. not good to say the least. It triggered me beyond measure and throughout the day I was panicking. My father figure and I had played a game together but in the middle of it my mother texted me which brought the feelings back. She said some unintelligible nonsense and I could tell she was probably drunk texting me. And during all this I was telling my partner that I'm not doing great and how I'm reliving some bad things, hoping for some comfort and to hear "it's okay", but then he joked about my mom "getting sum" and it triggered me even more. I asked to call and he chose to spend time with his friend instead. When we called late at night he told me he probably wasn't going to go out, he ended up being invited anyways. I begged him not to go I actually started crying on call which I never ever do because of other traumas. He still left. Said he would text me but I am making him uncomfortable by putting him in this situation. He told me to email my therapist. So he left while I was crying and begging him to just stay and be here for me. I emphasized that I didn't want to talk about the problem I just wanted him here. I understand that people have their limits with dealing with someone's trauma and mental illness and I wasn't about to upload all my issues onto him but I wanted him to just be here and now I feel so abandoned still but by everyone.