There is a high likelihood I could get endometriosis, because my Mother had it. It was so severe she was never able to have another child after me..

So there was a possibility I did not have as much time as most women do...

I ditched my fiance of five years without even saying goodbye... He promised me a child at the end, but I was done. I waited five years. I knew what I wanted. I just left his ring behind so Mother could return it, and left

He had a disability.. I doubt he really wanted a baby anyway... Was he sincere? Doubtful..

The last time I saw him, we were at the river feeding baby ducklings and cygnets

He did support me when I was sexually assaulted, but I snapped, I needed to just escape from it all

I packed up and ran off without a word to anyone, left the city and went to a small isolated town

I did not even say goodbye to my Mother, who I lived with and was like my best friend

She was actually away on a trip at the time - she came home to an empty house. 

I miss her

I just left my beloved cats, who were like my babies, who I cared for and loved every day and were utterly devoted to, behind

I miss them

That, and Mother did not know that at the time I was heavily abusing drugs and alcohol... I wanted to spare her more pain

I only caused more

All of it, was for a man I had fallen desperately in love with, and absolutely had to have at any cost

He promised me what I wanted for so long, and that I would not have to wait

He was as good as his word, and I got what I wanted 

I am going to have a baby boy this summer

Finally, after all this waiting...

...yet I regret the trail of devastation I blazed in my path to get here..

What could I do? I will be thirty in less than two years.

It had to be now. No more hedging... And I needed to escape, from my substance abuse. No one would help me, or had any power to

The cops could not have cared less about how I was beaten, drugged and sexually assaulted by someone I knew since high school and tried to help...

Doctors throwing aripiprazole in my face.. then leaving me in the gutter..

I was unhappy, because my life was empty and broken

I got everything I asked for... All of it

Yes?..

Yes, I did. I gave up absolutely everything I had, and I got my heart's desire

My sweet, beautiful baby...

I do not deserve him. I should die when he is born.. I give him the life he deserves, by removing myself from it...

He will be safe with his father... And happy without my leeching poison

Must this not end somewhere?... Surely it must

I wanted to be free... yet I am not.

The weight of many heavy chains drags my soul further into the abyssal depths

I cannot go on like this... but there is no other place to go

I have nothing else left...