You ever convince yourself that maybe you don't have BPD because you may not show a specific trait or symptom? 

I got the diagnosis for BPD about last year this time. 

I drank and lashed out and attempted suicide and made an ass of myself. 

Landed in the psychward. 

I was unsure of how I felt at the time, I know I wanted to disappear from the world again because having things like this always just seemed to have happened throughout my life. 

I've had a few times where I was in a haze from alcohol, drugs, or just this feeling of not wanting to exist, laying in a hospital bed, or alone at home in my own bed. 

So there I was laying in the psychward feeling all kinds of lost and feeling enormous amounts of guilt and shame and self hatred. 

But it was a comfortable feeling, I laid in that bed in the psychward and felt so depressed that I didn't want to get up or even to bother. 

Why do I always ruin the good in my life has been a regular running theme throughout my life. 

I felt that way during my time in that psychward. 

I've always felt that my life was out of control just constantly out of control. 

That I was never really going to ever amount to anything or that I'd always be alone. 

Grew up in foster care, hard upbringing for any child growing up in CFS, both parents had problems and addictions, some abuse growing but only physical abuse and probably some neglect but that's not too serious right? 

Bounced from foster home to foster home, permanent ward at the age of six, bullied at school, I was smart but known as that quiet kid who has no friends, kind've always been a loner. 

Had some friends but they usually eventually begin bullying me or not being my friend  no more which hurt. 

Kind foster family who I call my family but whom I've always felt detached from like I really didn't belong with them. 

I loved them and they loved me. I've always felt that maybe one of my biggest flaws is that I love too much, to the point that it just hurts. 

Spent high school insecure and severely depressed. 

I made great friends but that didn't even really seem to help on most days. Highschopl in hindsight were some of my best years and well that's just that... 

Descoved alcohol in high school and I fell in love because hey here's something that helps me talk more, feel happy, not care, not hurt. 

Made an ass of myself lots and was known as one of the partying friends. 

Fast forward dropped out of highschool, homeless during highschool, couch surf from friend to friend until lo and behold alcohol ruins that too. 

Move in with birth mom and spend years with surrounded by addicts, alcoholics, and overall shitty people. I mean not every day was shit, some days were feel with complete mundane normalness where all I had was me and my depressed self. 

Don't get me wrong I did have a good upbringing filled with camping trips, hugs goodnight, laughs with friends and family, full bellies, and happiness. 

But I've always just had this lingering sadness that followed me everywhere. 

I did get sober and stay away from negative influences for a good while. I was snorting cocaine and drinking every weekend and had suicide attempts. 

It really worried the people who loved me. 

So I did turn my life around. 

I still had problems here and there. 

The depression never really went away and I did relapse and cave and drink a few times. 

But I graduated school and actually made it to college and was doing great in life. 

I still had this emptiness inside me and a heartbreak that hurt too much but I held on and did great. 

So many people where proud of me and I felt that maybe I can be proud for once, of myself...  

I was happy. 

Then there I was at that psychward. 

Wondering what the fuck happened and why did it happen again. 

Some friends reached out to me and I wanted to be alone during that time. 

That was about a year ago and a lot has happened since then. 

They gave me a diagnosis. 

BPD. 

It made sense to me. 

It clicked. 

I related. 

I was released from the psychward and well life just went on. 

I didn't go back on my antidepressants and I went to school the next day. 

It was hard and everything seemed tougher. 

I left school and well from that moment everything kinda just started a tumble roll. 

Left a safe place I was living at. 

Dropped out of school. 

Started drinking and partying more. 

Moved back in with my mom. 

Tried new drugs like meth and crack cocaine. 

In between the binges of alcohol and drugs use were the moment of emptiness and nothingness. 

Laying in bed in the dark with no one to talk to and no one messaging me staring at the ceiling the silence deafening. 

I went to a BPD support group but only once and it was nice. I was able to related to everyone and they felt the way I did. 

That was before I moved into my moms. 

It was a few days after being released from the psychward. 

To take a step back and go back to my original thought or question I asked does anyone else every feel like maybe you don't have BPD or you're just making some of it up? 

I never really clicked with the explosive angry. 

I'm actually a really kind and sweet caring guy. 

Ask some of my friends. 

I thought maybe I'm just making this all up or using BPD as an excuse. 

I'm not sure. 

I have been feeling very lately and haven't been doing anything with my life besides laying in bed or laying my Xbox. 

I've gotten to the point where I've isolated myself from pretty much all my friends and haven't really bothered talking to anyone. 

I drink here and there and I usually regret it after I drink. 

I feel sad that I ruined school and my future. 

I was so close to graduating and just let it all go. 

Why? 

Because I had a bad day? 

So I'm just doing nothing with my life and it scares me. 

I have good friends and I've been making just bad decisions and not trying anymore. 

The thing is I don't k how where where to begin. Or how to pick myself back up again. 

Picking myself up was always something I've done. 

Overcame the adversity and made people proud. 

Things have been pretty tame for the last six months. 

Dranl a few times here and there but over it was quiet. 

I still felt lonely and unsure of life. 

I thought maybe I don't have BPD. 

But it happened again. I drank. I cut myself. 

I did dumb impulsive things. 

I worries some really great friends who were scared for me. 

I remember I was angry over everything that has happened over the past year, the feeling lonely, my guilt and shame, over everything that has always seemed to have happened. 

Went to the hospital again umm third time since the first suicide attempt of last year. 

Suicide attempt or whatever it was at the same time of the previous one from last year. 

I didn't want to tell them my diagnosis but after I told them what happened that night they told me or asked me. 

Do you know what a cluster B Personality disorder is? 

That's when I told them that I did and I have that diagnosis. 

I want to change my life or change myself? 

I want to be happy and live a normal successful life. 

It's not like I can't I know that there are people out there who would tell me otherwise that I can live a happy life and be happy. 

I just don't always feel that way. Happy. 

I'm scared that I'll just go nowhere in life and keep making the same mistakes over and over again. 

But there is hope in me that this isn't true and I will keep reaching for this hope with everything I have in me. 

I've heard from somewhere if something keeps you going if you have any kind of mental turmoil or if you're feeling in a dark place that you should hold on to it. 

Hold on to what gives you hope and lights up your light. 

Or reminds you of it when you've forgotten. 

I'm gonna change my life again. I'm not sure how but I will and I will be the guy that everyone loves. 

The kind, sweet, empathetic, dorky, loving guy that people in my personal life would tell you I am. 

The guy who... due to my mental health forget is there sometimes. 

Peace, love, empathy.