   When I first went to therapy and got my diagnosis (depression, anxiety and pstd) and possible BPD(I dont know why they can't just say yes, thats it lol), I started to spiral.  

  Everything was because of the BPD.     And it was like the more I took on the role, the more I spazzed on people.    

     I still have my moments, but lately, since I been acting normal, even if I have all this, its like my BPD doesn't rule my life.   

  I am not a person with a mental disorder, I am a person with Trauma, and I can fix trauma somewhat.  

 Since then, I been more outgoing.  I cut off a friend with bipolar who didn't want to be medicated and was indirectly influencing me. Its sad because they were a best friend but I didn't understand for so long, that the negative energy was sitting in me.   That a piece of BPD...the lack of self identity...is not fully that you don't know who you are, but that, you absorb people's energy and thoughts around you, empathy, to fill the pieces of you that feel empty.   That has helped alot.  My old best friend  lived by their mental illness.  It became their identity and I see how it messed with them.  

 And how it was messing with me.   Me owning it as an identity, gave me excuses not to check myself all the time.  Making bpd my diagnosis, like this is who I am, made me over think and me overthinking made the emotions last days instead of like 20 or 30 minutes now.    Like days I would spiral.  Until it felt like my life was an emotional prison.  

 Now I can calm down again in 20/30 minutes. Which feels like heaven.  

 Once I was like, self, you are not bpd, you just have bpd from trauma....I feel...mostly normal.  

  That I don't have to see this as me, but to see my BPD, as a wound, thats constantly bleeding.  Something fixable, but not if I keep ripping the scab off my emotions, or more accurately, never putting the bandaid.  Just bleeding on everybody and they had to deal, because, I was mentally ill and BPD 

  Yes little things will still sometimes trigger me.

    Somebody looking at me too long,   like what they thinking about me, foh, because I will curse them out or fight.  I gotten to the point, where I don't even make a face, I just think it.

     Arguments, my family.   I used to be so Melo dramatic.  

  "You don't love me or you wouldn't hurt my feelings"

  Now I can see, we all a work in process. 

  The  best thing for me is, my emotions don't spiral like they used too.  

  I dont wake up irritable 

  Or moody

 Or depressive

 Or self destruction mode

 Or impulsive. 

  I feel like I'm back to my younger self. Before the Chaos.  Hopeful again.  A little sassy and sometimes a little moody, but moderate, and not extreme like it has been the past couple years. 

  This could be very well also the cutting of my friend who did want any help or real therapy.  I think it is both, truthfully. 

  Im just happy im not making it my identity any more and something I got deal with....like being transgender.   I am not a woman in mans body no more, I am a trans woman.  I guess the prospective change is really helping me.

 How I see it as, of me, but not who I am fully. Like a burn mark or a broken bone that needs fixing and not my persona.