it’s with an older man, of course. i guess i’m not really looking for advice on what to do but instead i’m just venting? i am far too stubborn to actually try to “get over” him. me fawning over him and having maladaptive day dreams about him helps me keeps myself at peace instead of gut wrenching pain. i just want him again, i need him again. 

i stalked him, i googled his name and consumed everything i possibly could consume about him, i couldn’t help myself. he blocked me everywhere and demanded that i don’t contact him ever again. (not because of anything i did, but because of his mental health) and oh god, oh god god god, that hurt so much. how couldn’t i look up things about him? it felt more impulsive than a decision. i can’t escape him it seems, i can’t get him out of my head. 

i’m proud of myself really. i stopped the stalking for an entire week almost and i can feel some form of normality coming back when thinking about him. there was a week or two where i would dream about him and i would wake up in pain because the dreams weren’t real, that was terrible. i want to email him again but he asked me not to so i won’t. it’s so difficult not talking to him, it really is. i view him as the best person on earth right now even though he ‘objectively’ was a selfish a hole throughout our time together, i just can’t help myself. 

is anyone going through this right now? this weird and stagnant hyperfixation on someone? 
ps. i only knew him for a month before he blocked me.