how can someone destroy another persons mental stability? I never knew that was eve possible. just by the fact that a person that has the decency to feel what the other felt when done something unpleasant. Isnt it supposed to be automatic? I have never felt this much emotional pain. I never denied things ive done that others think unnerving as a woman. things that with liberated or open minded people think as normal. But in this relationship, I dont think a woman have ever felt this used. Honestly, there are many ways where he is right and I am wrong and I admit to it. But how can it be a fair conversation if only one participates in the conversation. And if in good intentions you try to butt in to at least explain what or why you think you have done such things, it will just turn the scenario even worse and much more making you look as the bad person no matter what. I have never felt my emtions be so disregarded. having no liberty to talk because you know you would make it worse, crying was made an option. what makes it even more painful, hurtful is that crying is still considered wrong. I just question myself, was there even one tiny bit that I have done right in this person's eyes? it's not just sad, I FEEL SO FUCKIN PATHETIC. I fucking hate my existence. I have never hated myself so much! Why cant I fuckin do right? Why is everything around so fucked up? There's just so much hurt in my heart, in every cell in me. Also, why does every disastrous argument start just right after he initiated sex or to be precise a blowjob. How am I not to feel that this relationship purely runs on his sexdrive? If I'm to be heard or have someone see the situation. Theres a fucking big difference as to how this man have treated me before and how he fucking treats me now. I FUCKIN LOST MY JOB! The one I considered a bestfriend is gone too. I have nothing and I am nothing. I feel no worth to anyone or annything. Why was I even born?! With all those years of trying to be independent, I am my own person and have pushed oto be strong as much as I could even with all problems piling up. But now, I dont even know who I am anymore. Who is I? Why exist? How did I manage to get myself in this hell of a situation and ended up destroying the person I thought I was. He insists on good intentions and real love felt towards me and my daughter.  But really, how can you fully believe that when all the time you are asked to suck dick? asked to bend down? asked to open wide? pushed to suck it deep? I try so hard to believe in the good things. But even after this crying marathon, how can you fully let yourself believe 100% ? Everytime, I try my best to keep my guards up. But eventually, I can never put up the same wall so strong that these eyes never shed a tear. I was kicked out of the room and was told to follow anything and everything he says or asks me to do. Just picture me in the dining area alone sitting at a table, crying in front of the screen and typing. Tears just kept running. This much self hate is too much to handle.