I totally invaded my boyfriend's privacy and started snooping on his computer while he was at work, because I'm an insecure sack of shit. Not an excuse, just explaining why I did the shitty thing. I found his alternate reddit account, where he confessed about about a year into our relationship, that I am essentially a rebound from a failed, shitty date he had with his dream girl who he was at that time still obsessed with. He could still be, I'm not sure. He said in the post, that he was still on the dating site we met on about 6 months into our relationship, and matched with said girl again, and tried to get with her while we were dating. It failed, and he proceeds to say in the post, that he feels horrible that I'm basically a rebound and he's still with me, even though he doesn't really love me, and is obsessed with said dream girl. We had both said we loved each other multiple times at that point, but it evidently was not true on his end of the relationship. Fast forward to a few years later, we have talked of marriage, and he says he loves me all the time, and I would say he shows me that too. He's very affectionate, a lot more than he was when we first started dating, when he was in a very dark place. He seems to be a different man now, much happier and depression is more under control. But after reading that post (my fucking fault, why do I do these things?) It makes me think he just feels bad for me, or thinks I'm going to kill myself if he leaves and pursues a girl he would actually like to be with. Which I would never do, think of doing or tell him anything of the sort if he were to leave me to go be happy. That would not be fair to him and I know if would haunt him for the rest of his life. He deserves someone so much better than me, he's amazing but he has horrible self asteem issues and depression like I do. I don't want anybody to have to settle in a relationship. That's so shitty. I think he feels like he's stuck, so he's settling with me and faking his feelings to spare mine. I have to talk to him about it, but I'm so fucking beyond scared. I'm horrible for invading his privacy, and I know he'll feel horrible thinking about how seeing that post hurts me. I don't want that, I'm not mad. Just feel horrible for him that he felt he couldn't tell me that he wasn't in love with me like he said he was. I almost wonder if I caused this and made him feel trapped somehow? I'm just not sure that he really loves me now, even though he says he wants marriage. I'm so fucked.