I was sure it was getting better. It is not. I thought I could help people, but I can't. I couldn't help my friend, I will certainly not be able to help strangers. I really thought I was gonna make a difference in someone's life. I had a wish for being recognized by my efforts, but maybe I did no effort after all.

I think my friend is dead. It's been some time he does not answer anyone. All our mutual friends can't reach him. The worse: he usually did this kind of stuff. He would always post something sad, or how he's going crazy, or how everything was falling apart. He would say he's close to attempting something. He never did. He was a good person. I never knew him personally, but we've been friends for years. I watched all his Punch-Out gameplay videos. We started talking about anime, yet soon we were discussing our lives. He made this insane persona where he used a wool cap over his whole face and would be the crazy in him. He said it could be my Stand (as in JoJo's stands). He was my partner and I am so worried. I thought he was past his darkest days, he got a girl who meant a lot for him. He wasn't fighting as often with his drunk dad. 

But I remember him telling me someday his dad came home agressive, and loud. He told him to get out of the house, which he said he would. But then ensues arguing, and the dad breaks a chair and proceed to get a leg to hit my friend. He then gets a iron rod to defend himself. At this point the dad tries to go after his mother, and he responds by hitting his dad with the rod. The insane dad then grabs a knife. Luckily my friend managed to hit his hand and get a hold of the knife. He ended up having to sleep with a friend. I wish I was this friend. I wish I got to see him at least once before I left him to rot on that country. 

If he's really dead, how could I know? I don't have his parents numbers, he wasn't close with anyone in his city and even if he were, I don't have their number. He was quite really the only person who would compliment me. He was the only person who ever said they thought I was beautiful besides my girlfriend. He was someone who undestood me when no one else could. And I feel I failed this friend. I should have been better.

How can I know I am not missing his funeral? I can only hope he didn't succeeded in his plans. The last I heard of him was a post about how we would never hear from him anymore. I messaged him right after seeing that. He never got my texts. I regret not being a better friend. I regret sometimes giving him short replies or none at all. I regret not asking about him daily. I just wish I could know how his day is going. I just wanna get a message saying the word he used when he changed numbers. Just that word would be enough.

Am I asking too much? To know my friend is alright? To know I have not failed him... I am heartbroken, and I somehow escaped this ordeal the last weeks. I managed to keepyself distracted. I thought to myself, "anyday now he'll message from a new number". But it's been 2 months now. 

Sogeking, you shared your cigarettes, your troubles, your life with me. I am sorry I failed you so much. I wish I insisted on hearing you, on giving crappy advice. I want you to know that your answers to whatever I had to post were always pleasant, just as you yourself is pretty pleasant. I really hope you are just taking a break from me. From everyone. I still want to get to meet you. I love you, friend. Please be well. And please stay strong.