I’m extremely loving and devoted, and fiercely loyal. Majority of the time, my boyfriend feels more loved, cherished, and on top of the world than ever before. I’m highly demonstrative and very happy and fun to be around on good days. We have amazing memories. 

But loving someone deeply makes me all the more terrified to lose them, which makes me take everything out on them both because I trust them the most and because I want to push them away the most. 

I say horrible things to my boyfriend guilting him, pointing out his shortcomings, etc. when I get into a rage fit/state from jealousy or anger or any kind of overreaction to a trigger. I have told him he’s not good enough for me, he’s stupid, I would never want to have kids with him (which I know he really wants with me), and taunted him for financial mistakes he’s already ashamed of. I’ve told him he ruined my life. 

We’ve been together almost 2 years and have the strongest, healthiest, most loving relationship I have ever had; he knows about my BPD and stays by my side. He holds his tongue a lot, not wanting to make it worse, but has called me out for being “nasty and mean” at times and told me how hurtful my words can be. 

I’m just wondering if anyone else experiences this? Feeling emotionally abusive and horrible about yourself because you struggle so much to control your tantrums and emotions at loved ones? Stigma around BPD doesn’t help. Have you gotten the same feedback from loved ones telling you how hurtful you’re being but you feel so helpless to just control yourself when you go on these rampages?