I tried my first antidepressant with fluoxetine (Prozac) (20mg) around three weeks ago and I decided to speak with my doctor on Tuesday about stopping them. I had severe side effects, to the point where I basically couldn’t function over the course of those two and a half weeks, but my doctor seemed really hesitant and said I was ‘giving up’ and they should have started to clear up soon. 

I was on the meds for extreme up and down mood swings, where I’d have spend a week extremely high, then a week extremely low (for more detail you can look in my post history). Within three days of getting in those meds my mood was straight up. Then down. Then up. I have been switching everyday or two ever since I’ve been on them, going from extremely out of it and up (to the point where people questioned if I was on drugs), then literally waking up the next day wanting to die. 

On top off all this I had issues with clumsiness, balance and spacial awareness, racing thoughts to the point I can’t think, zero concentration or motivation, severe constant dissociation (to the point where I couldn’t control my own body), extreme tiredness and the inability to stay away when tired (I’ve never napped in my life and now I can’t stop), not to mention problems with my memory where I’ve forgotten what I’ve just wrote or in the middle of a conversation or even sending 30+ audio messages and having no recollection of what I’ve sent. I’ve also experienced weakness, weird dreams, diarrhoea, dry mouth, unusual sweating, and generally feeling weak and lightheaded with headaches. Also extremely bad tremors in my hands and jaw whenever I got stressed/anxious/dissociated. Overall I had pretty much every side effect you can think of, on top of my crazy mood. 

I had a breakdown in collage Monday morning where I cried for three hours and had my first panic attack in months. All of my friends and mental health team at college were telling me I had to go back to the doctor - I was completely apathetic about everything, couldn’t do any work, and was consistently having breakdowns and severe dissociative episodes. I’ve never experienced suicidal ideation like it (and unfortunately relapsed last night with self harm after 7 months). 

My doctor was extremely hesitant to let me give up however. I don’t have a diagnosis, was not weaned on or off the meds, and he spoke as though I was pathetic for not being able to just push through it, saying the side effects should wear off after a week or two (despite being nearly at week three with them only getting worse). 

Half the people around me think I should have gone and my doctor is being unprofessional, but some people think I gave up too easy and should have just pushed through it. I honestly don’t know whether I was in the right or not by stopping. Am I being pathetic for not being able to take the expected side effects? I don’t have any answers and I don’t know what I should have done in that situation - I can’t stop rethinking that appointment.