My mom had explosive rage when I was growing up, and so with that and the emotional abuse I learned early on to suppress my emotions, including the fiery BPD rage. 

So my whole life I kept the rage inside and channeled it towards myself. But since starting therapy and recovery it’s started to leak out, which is good and bad, I think. 

The past few months have been really hard on me. I was almost homeless, couch surfing while abroad because I didn’t get a student loan even though I was told I would. 

I had some “friends” in the area from the last time I was here (knew them for almost a year and a half; they’re all at least 3-4 years older than me). I grew really attached to them, but I knew it wasn’t reciprocal (BPD and being intense), I always go above and beyond for the people I like, and I know that. I didn’t expect a lot. 

But while I was going through all of these huge problems (cutting off contact with my family, being financially unstable, almost homeless, throw out of a place in the middle of the night), they didn’t contact me ONCE to see how I was and if I maybe I wanted to get together. And that really hurt me and pissed me off (this was over the period of almost 4 months). 

So I channeled my full BPD rage into letters for them that I mailed, basically saying this is bs, it’s basic friendship, I shouldn’t have to even say this, I wanted the minimum and you had no interest in giving me that, despite all of my mental health problems I’ve been a good friend to you, you have no idea the pain I deal with everyday, explained all my mental health problems, being busy isn’t an excuse, I’ve been just as busy and busier than you and still made time for you, and that I’m over it. I mailed them and blocked them all. 

Of course, I was really attached to them and I really miss them. And I’m fighting the urge to try and get back in contact with them. I have to keep telling myself “they aren’t your real friends and they don’t really care about you”. I know they don’t miss me, they were probably happy that i broke things off. I’m finding it really hard to cope with the loss of them. 

So it really hurts and I’m feeling really alone. It’s hard for me to get motivated to go out and try to meet people. I’m hoping it’ll get better soon and I’ll find people that happily reciprocate at least some of my effort. 