Okay, first I'd like to acknowledge my bullshit title. Whichever option you choose, it's correct. We are not our trauma, neither is our trauma us. We are simply people who are collectively influenced by the same blanket world view - we're all struggling and we're all suffering and all we can do is be a candle in the darkness for others, in the hope that one day someone will be a candle for us. And that's not even a BPD thing - that's a human condition thing - those who feel pain - or insecurity, or anxiety, or paranoia, or splitting, or anything - become aware of the capacity to cause pain as well. And we're a little more sensitive to emotional changes. 🤷‍♀️

SO. 

What it is, is that I need to know the validity of "showing symptoms". As someone who displays "quiet 🙄" BPD, I feel very in control of my emotions - they change and soar and dive and fall what feels like every hour - in as much as I'm aware of the changes and I'm aware of the triggers that cause them.

However, I feel so fucking emotionally drained all the time from trying to keep my symptoms in control. I want to scream a thousand times a day, I want to lash out and use my toxicity to combat people who bring nothing to my peace, but I know enough to know that having a tantrum or running away aren't productive. After the storm rolls away, or you find yourself able to put your pride aside and come back... there are more problems. Its unproductive in the long run. So.... y'know... stay here. Stay quiet. Keep going. Soldier on.

Am I in control? Am I losing control? Did I ever have control? Am I sick? Am I in crisis? Am I just a lazy fucking man child who can't control his narcicissm for longer than a week at a time?

Who knows!? But I feel like I'm being punished for being able to control my outbursts - I very rarely lose my temper in an explosive manner any more. I'm still a simmering little kettle of rage at the injustice of the world, but I'm able to use it constructively. I very rarely ghost everyone for weeks at a time anymore, and now, in the unfortunate circumstance that it happens, I'm at least aware enough to let people know that it's gonna be a dark time and I'll be okay and I'll text you when I text you or apologise afterwards. 

I just want to know that someone can relate or identify with some of this shit because it is tiring af to deal with on the daily and having no idea if I'm getting better or not.