so i know its pointless and no ones gona be able to help me because there is no solution. theres just this point ive hit in life. i realise its completely random and meaningless that i or any living thing is even here. our entire consciousness is just here to encourage us to procreate. the only reason that even happens is because when things are good at surviving and reproducing, they continue to do it, its just the natural laws playing out. im so past the point of expecting happiness, peace or justice in life. bugs are just born and fly around just to get eaten up by something bigger a day or so later. maybe they didn't even get to eat or fuck before that. you just die after being trapped in a body capable of feeling pain and with no guarantee of getting any of the good hormones. all i can do is try to have fun with things and try to have some friends and a relationship. its so hard though. i just end up forcing myself to play videogames past the point of me being bored with it. cant feel the creative energy anymore, just want to make depressing beats, can't even be bothered with that anymore. and i struggle with being sociable and getting a gf. just feels like a losing battle. i try to warp the nihilism into the freedom of being able to do whatever i want and not feel guilty about anything but the inevitability of suffering and dying is just more real to me and always comes back.