As far back as I can remember I’ve always had issues such as existential anxiety and depersonalization. I found it more entertaining as a child, but as an adult it’s horrifying and right now it’s worse than ever. 

The fact that I exist terrifies me, it’s put a mental block on everything I used to enjoy. It makes everything feel utterly pointless and bizarre, but at the same time it doesn’t feel like depression does. It’s different than depression. It’s more a feeling of utter discomfort and confusion that I can’t quite understand. 

What I can say is that it’s the loneliest feeling I’ve ever experienced, and seeing other people walking around happy and content makes me worse because I’m like, am I missing something? We’re all here and existing without any sense or explanation and then we’ll all be gone and nobody seems to be bothered by this? It hangs over me like a dark and sinister dread and literally sucks the joy from everything, petrifying me!!!