TL;DR I hit my malignant narcissist mother.

Hello. I (25F) was raised by a malignant narcissist (65F). She never showed me love, and would come home in fits of rage, screaming at me, degrading me, and mocking me. If I needed anything like clothes because I had grown she would make me put them on hold and then would berate me in front of everyone and make me beg for them. She would scream and degrade me constantly, and I couldn’t get away. It was to the point where she was knocking my door down with a hatchet when I tried to run away just to get away from the abuse. The emotional abuse was so unbearable I wanted to die by 15. Eventually, around 11, I just wanted it to stop, so I hit her. She would then act like she was the victim. I was not allowed to have hobbies I chose, and I was not allowed to have interests I chose. I was almost never allowed to leave the house. I couldn’t have friends. I didn’t know what I liked or who I was until I was like 24 basically. I was always in fight or flight so here and there would physically lash out at her to make her leave me alone, but it never worked and it always ended up with shaming and more abuse. As an adult, I have many people who love me and a great relationship with my husband (26M) and a happy four year old son. I did hit her one time in adulthood when she was threatening to make false reports to CPS as well. On that day, I had gone to her house feeling extremely depressed, newly diagnosed with cancer, and she proceeded to tell me nobody loved me and started degrading me. She then threatened to call CPS and I snapped. I hit her. She ended up calling CPS telling them I was on drugs and they did an investigation, including hair and urine tests, all obviously came back completely clean and the case was closed. I feel like I must be some kind of monster or defective because I couldn’t deal with it and acted aggressively when she would back me into a corner with the abuse. And I just need to know. I mean I’m 100% against violence now and I just want to know. I literally feel like I am going to go to hell for this. I’m all about peace and love and I’m an environmentalist &amp; care about others a lot. But I want to know, am I a bad person? I get so depressed and down on myself and I’m so filled with shame that the only person who knows about this is my husband. He thinks that I wasn’t in the wrong, but I really just need to know if he is right or if I was the problem.