i'll be enrolled in a 3-year undergrad program starting next year. a bunch of hiccups along the way: moving states, wanting time in between high school and pre-u, dropping out of pre-u, slowly clawing my way up to meet uni academic requirements despite not being able to concentrate/learn new material. i know that graduating at 23/24 isn't a big deal to other people. i know it's all in my head. but ever since i turned 16, i've dealt with age anxiety. who knows how long i'll be around? i think about suicide so frequently, that it feels like my life might end at any time.

i hate hearing my friends talk about how they're getting on. most of them have been in university for a year or two now, are clubbing, partying, exploring themselves. i look at them and from my perspective i see people with a future ahead of them. when i look at myself, despite being the same age or even younger, i see someone counting down the days. i'm tired. i hate feeling so inferior. i hate feeling like, no matter how hard i try, no matter how hard i push myself, how much i try to better myself and my life, there's always this nagging feeling in the back of my mind. what am i doing this for? it's not making me feel any better at all. theoretically, it will get better. the more i work on it, the more my quality of life will improve. the happier i'll be. but for now, it's unfathomable to me that i could ever perceive my life as not about to end, any day now.