I recently started things with this guy I really, really like. I am happy of course but I am also fucking petrified. 

I am so scared I’m gonna do something and fuck stuff up. I seriously don’t know what to do because I don’t want to end it obviously but I am literally so scared of it. Like it’s the feeling of when you know you know but I can’t keep from thinking ok but when do I mess it up and how. Feels like I’m waiting to be told I’ve done something unforgivable. But I don’t think I’ve actually done anything. 

I am trying. I try to be a good person but I’m scared that I’ll do something without realizing it was bad cause I don’t know how I come across sometimes. I don’t know.  I’m scared of myself honestly. I don’t understand myself or my emotions. I’m nervous I’ll inadvertently lie or maybe I’ll manipulate without realizing it or maybe I’ll have a mood swing and won’t be self aware enough to not say something I don’t mean. I know I’ve gotten better but I’m scared it’s not good enough. And if I were to ruin *this* because of my emotional issues I’m not confident I would recover.

Spent the entire night with him yesterday and this morning I sorta thought about how bad it would hurt if I fucked it up and I’m just really on edge. I think sometimes maybe I’m supposed to just be alone. Like maybe it’s not even healthy for me to be in relationships. Maybe I am wounded to the point it’s unfair to be with someone. Especially someone like this. 

I want to flee so I can be 100% sure I won’t be hurt but now I’m in too deep to flee without it hurting big time anyway. I am scared and I am really angry that I can’t just let a good thing be a good thing without my brain making it scary