I'll get straight to the point. I'm 21 and was diagnosed with clinical depression about four months ago. Been struggling with it for well over 2.5 years.

I try to walk a couple of kilometers every day, I never wake up past 10am, I take care of my eating habits as much as I can, I try spending time with those close to me as much as possible. I am very diligent about taking my medication, been on SSRIs since I got diagnosed. I guess they help a bit, but nowhere near enough.

I feel like nothing can help. I'm stuck in this awful situation, which I can neither tell why I got into nor do I have the slightest idea of what I can do to get out. I am barely functional as a human. Everything that used to bring me pleasure and joy feels so empty and barren now. I wake up early in the morning, and before I know it it's 6pm and I've somehow been lying in my couch all day. I have very intrusive suicidal thoughts every other day (at least it's not every day any more, thank you Citalopram).

I hate it when people say "it will get better." Fuck you. Not really though, thank you for being there for me, and I love you. But what does that mean? How is that helpful? I've been this way for such a long time, I've forgotten what normal feels like. Plus, if I suddenly found myself feeling nice for a prolonged period of time you wouldn't say "get ready, it's gonna get worse." This is not the point, is it? The point is that it's shitty now.

And, yes, I know it probably will get better. The reason I don't like hearing the above is probably that it might not, and even if it did it could take forever. Yeah, it's scary.

I don't like feeling alone all the time. I don't want my life to be a constant reminder of how I'd rather not be living it right now. I don't want everything to seem pointless. I don't want to be having days, weeks and months go by without me realising, because I might as well have been comatose all this time. It's exhausting. It's terrifying.

I've been reading a few posts on this subreddit as I scroll by them lately. It's crazy how 90% of the things people say hit too close to home. When I was a child, I had many notions of what suffering could possibly be like. Well, waking up every day the way I am, and knowing that countless others struggle with the same issues, thoughts and feelings (and in many cases much, much worse) sort of hits the spot. Some prime suffering right there.

From the bottom of my miserable, shriveled up heart, I sincerely hope you're all coping and doing well. I wish we could wake up tomorrow and have all this be an unpleasant distant memory. Even if we don't though, we'll pull through. We're all more tough than we think.

Thank you for reading this entire post (or skipped to the last paragraph, I don't mind). Have a great day everyone :)