Okay so. Huge CW for mentions and explanations of suicidal ideation.



I have chronic suicidal ideation. I've been suicidal since I was 10. Been diagnosed BPD since about September-December (we love memory issues). My suicidal ideation is usually "passive" (my brain wants me to die but I don't actively want to die), but occasionally it'll slip into active ideation (my brain and I both want me to die). Recently it's been flipping back and forth.

The problem ironically isn't even the ideation. It's the fact that no one understands that it's chronic and that I'm doing everything I can to help it. I attend therapy weekly, I'm heavily medicated (rightfully so and all my medications help TREMENDOUSLY), I call or text hotlines or contact my therapist when it gets too much to handle, I've been hospitalized twice, had the cops called on me twice, I journal when I'm able to handle it, and I reach out to my support system.

But yet I still have people in my life saying I'm "not doing anything to help it." Like wtf?!?! I'm doing everything I can!! It's not my fault my brain wants to die!! It's not something I can control!! I'm as tired of it as you are, buddy, trust me. 

I'm starting to consider cutting off friends because of it all. And not so much the self-sabotaging way as much as the "these people are refusing to understand the above points and its hurting me" way.

Any advice on how to handle SI is greatly appreciated. I feel as though I've exhausted my resources and need more.