I don't know what to do or how to stop myself from feeling like this. It's hard for people without bpd to understand how intense this all feels.

Basically I've been seeing this guy for 4 months. I know it's not long but it's the most serious relationship I've had in terms of connection. It was the first time I've loved someone who I felt loved me back just as much. I was upfront with him about all of issues, my illnesses and trauma and he told me his too. He made me feel safe. He was there for me when I went through a really rough time at Christmas, in ways people I've known much longer haven't been. So you're probably wondering why I ended it?

Well morals and principles are important to me and I thought we shared the same outlook on those things. He certainly made it seem like he did with the things he told me when we met. Yet, the other night he admitted that a couple of years ago he got kicked out of a club for hassling girls and called a staff member the n word when they kicked him out. So I've ended because I can't be with a racist/misogynist. He said it was in his past and he's changed but that doesn't erase what he did. Plus I have this gut feeling like he's lying about his beliefs because he knows that's important to me.

The problem is, with my black and white thinking, I'm struggling to put together the person who did those things and the person who held me as I told him what I'd been through and told me that he was sorry and I deserved love and safety. I struggle to put together the person who could be so offensive and the person who was so tender and loving, who made me feel like I was the most beautiful person inside and out. I know logically that people aren't all good or all bad and that bad people do good things and good people do bad things. Yet, I can't wrap that around my brain. 

I feel like I'm in love with someone who never really existed. I know what he did is simply inexcusable and I can't be with someone like that, but at the same time I feel completely broken without him. 

I also feel guilty because I ended it through a message. I know that's cowardly but I also know if I'd have done it face to face, I would never have been able to say what I needed to say. If he'd seemed sad, I'd have instantly felt guilty and backed down. I know I'll be the bad guy in his story and his friends/family will think badly of me. I can't do anything about that, but I still hate it.

I miss him but I feel guilty for missing him. I feel like learning what he did should have changed my feelings straight away but that love is still there and I hate myself for it. I don't have anyone who can understand how I feel. How I can feel so many mixes of emotions. How I can feel so bad over someone I haven't known for long. But I feel like I can't survive without him, but the truth is, he isn't the person I thought he was. 

I don't want to live anymore. I feel so broken.

I guess I'm looking for some support from people who will understand the intensity of feels that come with a breakup when you have bpd and won't judge me for it. I feel completely alone