I am a (16M) who school pressure has made depressed, I am a Muslim who lives in KSA, I am decent in school but this year (11 grade) is really going bad. I am new in my current school, only been in my current school since 10th grade,  I only have a few friends, I am not a shy kid I actually talk a lot and make jokes, I really love hanging out, but my friends don’t like hanging out with me that much, I insist they do. getting rejected by kids in my school isn’t my biggest problem. My grades are really bad this year because I have been lazy and exhausted, also because I have sleep problems I go to school everyday with less than 4 hours of sleep, this has been a problem I always has not just this year. every time I don’t get good grades, I keep thinking of how no college/university will accept me and how I will live homeless and be a failure. I believe in Islam and I chose this religion, I am not brain washed by my parents, I am not looking to argue about my religion here, anyway yesterday (18, sep, 2022) which is also my birthday was a wild day, here is how it went:

The night before my birthday I stayed up til 3AM had almost no sleep and was dramatically depressed, tried to fix my life and get my shit together (start studying, working out, stop bad habits) multiple times the past few months but I just didn’t have the self control or the discipline. Got an hour of sleep, woke up at 5:30AM to my alarm turned it off then my father woke me up at 5:45 cause I couldn’t wake my self up, drank coffee, drove to school . Normal day in school except that I fucked up my biology test real hard (the one I was supposed to study for last night) also didn’t understand anything from the chemistry class, had suicidal thoughts in chemistry class (last period) caused by pressure in school, SAT test I haven’t studied for… etc. Came back to home with a massage from a friend saying HBD to me, but I didn’t realize it was my birthday.. I took a pic of my self saying “happy birthday to me” and sent it as a snap streak, got some HBDs from couple friends, one friend specifically ignored it and didn’t wish me a happy birthday which is kinda annoying cause I like the guy and a happy birthday from him means a lot to me, but it’s fine. Spent an hour of my afternoon just crying in my room, I just wanted kill myself, mainly because my grades are bad and I thought I will never get a job after I grew up and lived homeless, I even searched up ways to kill my self, I felt like 16 years in this world in enough, although as a Muslim I know it’s a sin (haram) to commit suicide and I will end up going to hell, I thought what is the difference? I am already a po** addict and that was gonna get me to hell anyways, these thoughts where all in my head while I spent an hour of my noon just crying in my room.                                  

Something I hear from older people a lot is that when a good person dies, God resurrects him/her in a shape of form of a bird or an small animal to make him/her see his/her family/loved ones, kind of thing you might hear form a grandma.

As I was crying in my room, my cat was also with me, watching me crying while she was laying down on her belly, then I suddenly noticed her staring towards the window, while all of this happened I was still crying, I checked the window, and saw a bird sitting on the edge, at first I thought nothing of it since it isn’t the first time a bird sits on the window.. but then I remembered what those people I hear used to say and I thought, is God sending one of my dead family members to check on me, only person I could think of was my grandfather , my dad tells me lots of stories about him and how he was a great man, He died before I was born. The bird was looking at the other side but at that second it turned around and looked at me to for about 5 seconds then it flew away. I just had this strong feeling that the bird was telling me something, anyone person in their mind would think this is total bullshit, but I for some reason believed that was my grandfather telling me to stay strong. 

Stopped crying, ate lunch an hour late, after my mom called me to come downstairs and eat lunch multiple times. I hadn’t slept well last night (like every night) so I slept all afternoon .

Woke up feeling much better, compared to how I felt before, and started doing normal stuff I do daily like playing video games etc..
Didn’t think anyone cared about my birthday or even knew about it, which is fine I also don’t care about anyones birthday that much, but my family surprised me with a little cake and got me some me food from my fav restaurant and a small gift, which made me happy I kind of brought me back to life. 

I need help to start studying more and getting better grades, I always acted like am happy and stuff but I am actually not. I want  to get my shit together and fix my life educationally, physically and emotionally.
I do get motivated to start studying well sometimes but it only lasts for a day or two then I go back to old habits, I also need to pay more attention to my religion and stop making sins.