If this is the wrong sub kindly let me know and I’ll post somewhere else. But as I’m getting my bath ready I realized something… 

When I was in 8th grade I began to self harm, experiment with substances and repeatedly daydreamed about suicidal thoughts. One day I got in an argument with my mom about my low grades. As a way of getting out of trouble, I told her I was depressed (that was something I never really heard about till that year, which happened to be Ohio is for lovers emo era) I thought I was hot shit for making that up and getting out of trouble, even laughing i said “depressed” and it worked.  Thought i trolololol owned her and felt cool about it. I thought i was a perfectly normal kid back then. I felt like hell in my body in mind all the time, but my mom said I’m normal so whatever everyone is like that. I secretly thought i just liked attention and that’s why i did crazy things, it’s what my mom would tell me. 

I didn’t realize I’ve been completely unwell basically my entire life until about a year and a half ago. Many, many things have came out. Is gaslighting yourself like this bpd behavior? I’m undiagnosed, but extensive research leads me to believe I’m in bdp spectrum.