tw: manipulation, loss of friendships/relationships, suicide, borderline sex work???, something something I'm black and automatically unattractive and men and women alike find me hideous, drugs (implied), abuse, maldita pobreza

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**The Long Story:**

I attempted suicide several times last month, only one of them requiring hospitalization, but only because the method I used damaged my liver. (#FuckTylenolForever)

See, I had lost someone I thought I could at least call a friend. We had hooked up once. After that, he stopped talking to me. I wear waist beads as a part of my culture. (When I was admitted and the nurses were doing a physical examination, they saw my waist beads and they called me old-fashioned in a joking/doting way. Like "ah, the baby has waist beads!!") I had been wearing waist beads when we hooked up and I taught him how to say it in Yoruba. They fell off after a while (a normal thing that happens) and I didn't get a new pair since I had started T and I had thought long and hard about wearing them again since I'm not female. (I mean, I wasn't female when I started wearing them, but I wasn't on T then.) But I missed wearing beads and just playing with them under my shirt and how useful they are when I'm drying off. 

So I took a picture of my new set of yomba and showed it to him. He said he had a girlfriend and that he has to block me. So I blocked him first. It wasn’t even sexual. I just wanted to show someone my beads. 

So I started thinking about how he started acting Hollywood after we hooked up. How everyone I’ve ever had a thing with – sexual or romantic – have just started acting Hollywood with me and disposed of me like I’m the garbage piled up in their room. My past two ex-girlfriends were the worst, perhaps. One broke up with me as soon as she went home (she didn’t live in my stomping ground and we met at Pride and immediately hit it off). The other actually hurt me. She lied to me several times throughout our relationship, broke up with me just to get with the person “I didn’t have to worry about because I’m all yours” (what a crock of shit), and only asked me to marry her because she didn’t want to be alone. Not because she genuinely loved me. Just so *she* wasn’t 30 and alone. I agreed because I’m still in love with her. She haunts my dreams at night like my first real love does. I hate her, but I wish she was mine. 

I've been trying to find a glucose guardian to bring in some extra money – for myself and for my mom. We're pretty poor and we can use all the money we can get. I'm Afro-Latinx. The men I've sought out/who sought me out immediately decided that they weren't interested because I was a Lupita Nyong'o as opposed to a Sophia Vegara. So I decided to try women. There aren't many sugar mamas, but I found one that I was interested in. The moment she saw my grotesque face, she blocked me. Her blocking me sent me into a spiral that just reminded me that I'm disposable to everyone and that no one would ever want someone as ugly and dark as me. 

Another thing that spurred these feelings was that I have a "friend" that I had a crush on. She only talks to me when she wants papers done. She does no prior work on them, leaving me to do them from scratch and conduct the research myself. I've asked for financial compensation several times and even tried to help her get a new job so she can afford to compensate me. She has neither got a new job nor has she compensated me for the many papers I've written for her. She *literally. actually.* only talks to me when she needs a paper done or she wants to talk about her mental state. And I feel like shit every time because she never responds when I try to tell her how I'm doing mentally. 

All I'm good for is being used and abused. And I'm sick of it. If my life is just going to be filled with people who do nothing but use and abuse me (my own family included because all of them have abused me in some fashion, too), I don't want to live. 

So that's why I'm calling this 45. I just need $45 so I can get what I need and end this miserable existence. I might be able to do it at the end of the month, *inshallah*. But first, I have to figure out how I'm going to make sure the lights don't go off because we couldn't pay the electric bill. 

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**The Short Story:**

I tried to kill myself last month and we're back at the beginning, sinking, spinning. The attempts I've made to bring extra money into the house to keep us above water have failed time and time again. Men and women think I'm hideous and being dark-skinned doesn't help. All I'm good for is being used and abused. It's like being drained by several vampires at once. So I'm going to kill myself as soon as I pay the electric bill for the month and get $45.