Hello there.. I kinda had some emotions earlier that made me want to try something new by sharing my feelings to the public. I'm not a good talker and not really sure where to start but I'll try my best. Sorry if I mention some weird things that should've been kept to myself.


Not sure if it matters but I'm a 23 year old male. I have many issues in life, some smaller than others but still issues. Some days I feel like I'm absolute trash that doesn't deserve to live and other days I feel totally empty inside. I have a good idea of what would make my life finally feel good but I can't reach it. My dream is to fall in love, marry an amazing woman, have kids and live a normal life with my family. I'm nowhere near achieving this and I don't know how to fix this.


I'm a highschool dropout. The two main reasons on why that is because I have extreme social anxiety and I have always had trouble learning things. I've never been tested for learning disabilities as far as I know but I wouldn't be surprised if I had some. This is making it really difficult to find a job. Money doesn't buy you happiness straight up but it's necessary. I live with my mom and I'm thankful for not being kicked out on the streets but I'm so sick of mooching off her. I know I'm still young but 23 is an adult age yet I feel like a child still. I feel uneducated about most things in life including adult responsibilities. I just want to feel like a normal human and I'm sick of it.


I tried medicine for my social anxiety before and nothing ever had any effect on me so I gave it up. One day though I swallowed a whole bottle of Xanax and that day I attempted suicide in 2018 by jumping off a bridge. I thought about suicide the day before I took them so idk if it had any effect on what I thought. I didn't do research on it but I guess it wasn't high enough to kill me idk. I fractured lots of parts like my wrists, pelvis, leg and spine even. I was court ordered to have therapy after but it didn't do anything for me and I knew it wouldn't either as talking doesn't help me. I now have a 20k unpaid hospital bill due to my mistakes. Luckily I healed up okay over the years and my main issue now is my bad back. It hurts to bend over for too long or even stand for too long. Maybe if I was more active then I could make it feel better over time but I have no time to focus on that and it's harder for me. I started over eating after leaving the hospital for a couple years. I'm not in the worst situation but I now weigh 180 at 5'6. I always had issues with my looks before but now I want to puke when seeing myself in the mirror. All my weight has gone into my face and belly. 


I have issues with my diet because I have terrible taste buds. I cannot eat fish, vegetables, most fruits and much more without gagging, almost vomiting or actually vomiting. I used to at least give some things a try when I was a little younger even if it was still hard but now I just simply look at something and my brain tells me "don't eat it". I'm incredibly picky with the stuff I do like too like I can eat chef boyardee spaghetti but home made or restaurant is disgusting. I like chicken from restaurants but I hate grocery store chicken. I only eat white meat and it has to be boneless. I could go on but it's easier to say that my diet is just Mac and cheese and pizza. I think I've given up on trying to eat healthy and it would be fine by me if I could lose the weight in another way but I just can't right now. I've tried fasting before and it works but only if I workout with it. I haven't worked out since my surgeries and I can't really try either because I have issues with my feet right now and my back hurts really bad. 


I have really bad ingrown toenails right now that I can't really take care of because I have no insurance anymore and I really don't want another huge hospital bill. They affect my life pretty significantly. I haven't left my house in 3 years because I can't even wear shoes without them bleeding. I also self diagnosed myself with Trichotillomania as I pull my hair out constantly every day all day. I also have lots of mini mental issues like I have a big fear of all bugs and even loud noises. I can't even take a crap in peace if anyone is near by and I need a fan or faucet running to drown out the noise. I have issues thinking of proper words to say during conversation and I'm even very forgetful about lots of things in my life. I applied for Medicare and was denied and even tried to apply for disability close after leaving the hospital. Could barely make it through the, I guess mental/social test because of my social anxiety. My voice was so shakey and I couldn't look the man in the eyes and I was about to burst into tears just talking with him about normal things. The physical test made me test my blood pressure and as usual it was through the roof they even made sure it was right by testing it multiple times and using other equipment and had others test it to. After that it was literally 2 minutes before they said I was good to go. I was asked to stretch and bend over and here I am sounding like an old man and I was in pain yet they thought I was fine. They based it off of 2 minutes. I felt so upset because it took so much courage for me to leave my house and go through that type of thing.


I know this is disgusting but I had my first shower in about a year a couple days ago. I can't seem to even find motivation to hop in the shower anymore because I just don't care and I also don't want to go through the pain of bending over and trying to clean hard to reach places on my body. My toes always end up worse than they looked before after a shower too. Luckily I had a LDR relationship for 2 years so they couldn't smell me but she recently broke up with me. Not surprising with the life I live but that almost destroyed me and I thought about killing myself but got lucky by quickly finding someone else that understood my garbage life. Im currently dating another girl that's across country but I know it's just going to end the same way because it's a group effort to save money to end up together in the end. I make no money so how can I even think about dating when it just won't work. Romance is the only part of my life that makes me happy but I can't keep it.


I had a small burst of motivation that lasted I dunno maybe 2 hours to take a practice GED test. Forgot and failed every thing even basic math. Tried to read the explanations on the answers and it just hurt my head so badly that I had to stop. I can't seem to learn things like that as it just goes through one ear and out the other. I never studied before as a kid either because it just never did anything for me. I'm afraid I'll never find work without my GED though so idk what to do.


I really have no idea what my point is here besides just sharing every shitty detail of my life but what I know is that I just want to feel like a normal person. All I do every day is watch TV and sometimes play video games. I have no other hobbies or things that interest me. I feel like the worst person on earth sometimes and I really don't know why I continue to live. I have the motivation to want to work and make lots of money to slowly fix parts of my life like having my own place, car, buying what I want and need. It would also help my dream of being together with my loved one and I could even finally buy presents for everyone near Christmas time. The issue is I can't even do that because of all my other issues getting in the way. I have no idea what I should do to start fixing my huge mess of a life. I really have feelings for my girlfriend but she's been hinting that if I can't find work soon then we'll probably not be together long. She has a beautiful heart and accepted everything else I shared with her and I don't blame her for thinking that. I've been thinking that if I lose her then I'll probably just kill myself because I'm tired of my shitty life. What do I do? is there someone out there that can help me? I really don't think there is.