ive carried the misdiagnosis of dysthymia/chronic depression for so many years until about 2 months ago. Im content with knowing im a quiet BPD and i have my limits, but  im capable of understanding my thoughts now.-

Ive burnt so many bridges with people and have completely drained past lovers because of my unwillingness to get help and see my own fallacy. I think about them all the time and how if i was just able to communicate maybe it wouldve been a better result. so many people hold those burnt ends when they think of me rather than what im pursuing currently  and who i am now.... and i cant blame them.

My most deep regret ever is with my ex fiance. Unfortunate to her i was just head over heels for this person, which in turn meant i was incapable of seeing a different perspective, or even understanding the way she made me feel. As much as i didnt perceive myself i replaced it with the thought of her and had almost viciously prioritized her rather than me. I didnt shave, hardly showered, didnt care for my financial state, my pet gecko, my teeth.. etc. It also meant she was constantly dealing with me, wanting her to do X or Y, or can you stop X? i was just a constant headache with nagging and always expecting more. I was awful.

it was almost 3 years ago now i think, and i still fathom how different it all could have been if i just had gotten help sooner. I think about this all the time and it haunts me. Would we be together still? would she be proud that i have a lot of money now and started applying myself like she told me? i always think about so much. 


Would it even be worth the time to attempt to apologize and explain?