im diagnosed with aspergers when i was a kid and gad, i wish i could find the words to explain how i feel but i dont think i can do it, im not very smart and i dont know my emotions very well and i have bad grammar and its going to be hard to read

from the outside looking in my mom looks to have been neglectful but i feel like its my fault, i was taken out of school at 12 and i would lie about doing my online schooling and she got divorced so she had to work and i ended up doing nothing and now im 18, i was completely isolated by 15 after losing all irl friends, which was again my fault, i kept lying to them and they kept finding out and i was embarrassed so i distanced myself, i say completely isolated but i mean irl, ive had quite a few online "friends" never really got close except for my girlfriend, im going to live with her in 6 months

ive been very disgusting for the last 2-3 years, ive neglected my health and my room and my family hates me for it, currently i have nearly all the dishes in the house in my room and about 2ft of trash behind me, im not afraid of throwing anything out, i dont care about that shit i just dont feel it so i dont clean it, i go to sleep, eat flies probably, wake up and its all gone, if im looking at my screen it doesn't exist, hell i haven't even brushed my teeth in probably 2-3 months, why cant i make these decisions, it should be second nature

my girlfriend wants me to get a job and part of me is excited, maybe ill enjoy it or maybe ill lose my sense of self and be damaged mentally from it, i have never felt more myself than these years alone, i feel so inferior and superior at the same time, like im watching clueless babies, until i find someone i connect with... and then im the clueless baby, they got me! at first i thought maybe these were schizoid traits but they dont feel connection, i do and i think i have pretty good empathy, atleast on the inside but im just afraid of the commitment and the loss of self that might come with being social, i still recognize the positives and partly have an urge to explore that, but i hope i never do if im strong enough

i feel like this worlds little brother