So uhm yea i have depression, autism, bdd and my therapist says i have anorexia (bullshit lol). So i'll Tell my story but only in short cuz i told it soooo fucking often. I got sexual abused in kindergarten, showed first signs of autism in 1st grade but my parents gaslighted me, got bullied by classmates and teachers from 3rd - 7th grade (got beaten, chased, thingsstoßen from me, spit on) ,had my sencond suicide attempt with 13 and my dad just randomly last year and here i am being 18 .... an adult .... fuck dude i never got to be a child nor a Teen and now i'm supposed to rule my life? I had theraphy for 10 years , got medication and even Was in a psych ward and everyone tells me i've gotten so much better but uh... no? Nothing changed. I feel like i wasted 18 years and the thought of working and living alone just absolutely fucks me. I dont even have friends. I missed so much like going on parties having sleepovers ect while everyone around me is so happy and excited for their life. I dont want to commit suicide but death maintains my thoughts. I always think what happens after death and both the thoughts of hell/heaven or absolute nothingness scare me. When you arw always alone and overthink everything, everything becomes surreal. I'm just so sad how numb i am and how far my mind and psyche have fallen into this hellhole. The only things keeping me alive rn are my grandma and my crush (which ghosted me two times but somehow my delusional self thinks i still have a Chance.

AND LAST BUT LEAST: i'm ugly and fat. My bdd kill me aswell. I used to be 90kg but managed to get down to 59 kg (i'm 173cm tall) and yeah i know my bmi is "ideal" but i Look like an deformed whalerus. I'm scrared of eating more than 1000kcal daily to gain weight again. Eventhough i lost so much weight my thighs are so big and wobbly like omg. I cant anymore. No pne Tages my problems serious and i keep getting sadder and sadder.