Sometimes i think i should just be alone. I recently got into a new relationship. I really like her. She’s great, she’s understanding, she cares about me, but i cant get the thought that she’s going to hurt me out of my head. 

I trust her but then again i don’t. I desperately want it to work, but i also want to run. When i notice a slight difference in tone, when shes upset with me, when shes busy, my brain doesn’t stop convincing me she hates me or she’s growing bored. 

My last relationship was toxic, extremely toxic. She lied to me, abused me, broke my heart over and over. Used my abandonment issues to her advantage and would threaten to leave at the slightest disagreement. I know this girl isnt my ex, but it’s hard for me to accept that anyone will treat me well &amp; won’t just break my heart.

I am always convinced that i love and care about people way more than they care about me. That it’s always one sided. That they eventually &amp; usually quite quickly get tired of me and leave. I cant get that thought out of my brain. I try to think positively, i try to tell myself she isn’t anyone ive been with before so i need to trust her and just live in the moment but i can’t. 

These thoughts make me wonder if maybe im better off by myself. Relationships always trigger me. They terrify me. I am always afraid of being hurt or left. When im alone, the loneliness is unbearable but it’s easier than the constant paranoia and fear that comes with loving someone and being unsure if the love is equal. 

This new girl is great, like i said, but i just cant get this feeling to go away. It’s like everyone says to trust your intuition and mine says shes going to hurt me, but i have BPD, so i cant always trust my gut. Im taking a risk and just fighting through the shitty feelings and thoughts but it isn’t easy.

How do you get through the paranoia &amp; negative feelings? How do you stop thinking negatively in regards to romantic partners? I want this to work more than anything but i really am so scared shes going to betray me or get sick of me..

TLDR: In a new relationship &amp; terrified shes going to break my heart &amp; leave me. How do i get passed the paranoia &amp; negative feelings?