I’ve always only ever experienced indifference or obsession and extreme and infantile idealization/adoration. 

I can read about BPD and personality disorders all I want, go to therapy for years, learn BDT to regulate my emotions and and practice radical acceptance, etc. but the one thing I’m beginning to suspect I will never be able to do learn how to truly love, at least not mature, healthy love. I *know* that I’m idealizing and projecting all of these infantile longings and fantasies onto someone, that they aren’t as absolutely perfect as they seem to be, that I’m not seeing or loving the “real” them, but I feel like I just can’t actually ever see them for who they really are or stop relating to them (in terms of my deepest feelings) in this very infantile way. This make me think I won’t ever really be able to love anyone, at least not in the mature, healthy adult sense. I would do anything to be able to love.