I’ve noticed there are a lot of posts like this on here, but I could really use some advice. Not really looking for a diagnosis here, but if anyone can relate and offer some insight I would really appreciate it. Some background - I’m a 22 year old female.

So I’ve known for a long time that I enjoy being sick/hurt. I think I enjoy the attention from it. But I’ve never been one to lie or do anything drastic to get sympathy or attention. I just find myself hoping for illnesses that would require either hospitalization or an increased concern by my family or friends. For example, my mom has a genetic heart condition that caused two heart attacks and multiple stent placements, and I found myself actually hoping to be diagnosed with it. I don’t have it, and of course part of me is relieved to not have something so debilitating, but another part deep down kinda wishes I did? I remember having two inner ear surgeries when I was a kid that required an overnight stay, and the feeling of being checked on constantly and the sympathy and kindness I received from the nurses was so lovely. I remember feeling so sad when I was told I could return home. 

Recently, I’ve been going to the doctor for swollen lymph nodes, and he’s ordered a CT. I’m a bit of a hypochondriac, so my mind immediately went to the worst - cancer. Again, I can feel that part of me wishing I  could possibly have cancer. It’s sick, because I’ve had family members with cancer, and I know how terrible it can be to go through. But I just can’t help it. 

Reading this back all sounds so narcissistic. I’m really a very shy, quiet person. I don’t like a lot of attention. But I guess I like the idea of being cared for that often comes with serious illnesses? I work in healthcare, so I’m often the one doing all the caring for other people. I guess that, combined with coming from a big family where attention was not often spotlighted on me, has made me develop this desire.

I’m just confused because I know Munchausen immediately comes to mind, but I’ve never lied to pretend to have an illness or injury, so does that diagnosis really fit? And I’m worried about bringing this to my counselor. I don’t want to be seen as this selfish, attention-seeking person, but I don’t want to feel this way anymore.