I don’t know why, but sometimes I intentionally seek out stuff that is going to upset me. I feel like it’s a version of self harm/ self destructive behaviour. 

For example, I purposefully looked at all the pretty girls my bf follows, at all their posts he liked and all of his comments.. why?!! I know that shit is going to upset me and make me feel super insecure in myself and my relationship, leading me to feel that pit of your stomach feeling where you end up questioning everything in your life and your relationship, AND I STILL DO IT?? Not just once too. The first time I did it, it was like a weird rush from the curiosity about how he speaks to people online since I didn’t have Instagram and my ex was a cheat who used social media to do it. Then I did it again to like ‘confirm’ to myself what I saw because I doubted after a few weeks that it was actually bad and assumed I was lying to myself or misremembering. Now it’s like “oh you’re bored?  How about you cast some doubt in your relationship and make yourself feel like shit?” What is wrong with me. 

It’s not just with this too, I also have searched in conversations to re read old arguments with friends, searched up minor illnesses and convinced myself I’m going to die because I looked at the worst possibilities? 

Please say I’m not be only person who does this because it’s so harmful and I want to do it right now which is why I’m talking about it. I’m having an especially hard time resisting the urge because it’s my friends birthday who passed, and it’s like an even bigger alarm in my head is going off saying to self destruct.