Hi everyone,

     I'm 38 and it seems like my bpd has mellowed out

In the past few years but I still spiral. Never got the 

Diagnosis really one shrink put cluster b traits in 2014.

I do have the cptsd dx for quite a long time. My 

Teenager years I was truly crazy riding around stealing 

Checks out of mailboxes with my friends. I did it

Because I was a fat kid bullied by my father that he would

Call the fat police on me. I strictly committed crime

To enhance my looks, wardrobe, vehicles for love.

I used to just pay guys money to play the bf role

Like if I help you out financially you can love me

An I can escape this gloomy hole. That worked well

Until I was caught and did a year behind bars in 04 at 19.

I can remove a loser bf threatened to leave me

I went to the ATM crying hysterically and pulled out 600

Begging him to stay. I want to hug my younger self.

All my relationships I have been hit, or emotionally,

Financially abused. 

     At 38 I work ft in grocery and love it most days.  I'm 

Single one year now and for two decades since my 

Release have been working on myself.  When love

Happens I lose everything it's great at first but if

One thing goes wrong I quit my job, hole up, and isolate.

Think I'm a quiet bpd.

I'm talking to a guy now who seems very respectful, 

And kind but finally I have fear of relationships 

And actually being alone. I do door dash and uber eats

Too. This is the most balanced and stable I have been

My entire life. I truly believe if anyone deserves love

It would be me however, I don't want to ruin this life but I 

have going for myself right now. I am a productive 

member of society out of addiction from benzol's and 

alcohol and I can pass background checks because my 

record is so old. I have a good trauma therapist and I'm 

on a few meds that seem to help but I can only stand to 

be with myself the fear of being abandoned or being hit, 

or used, is too much I don't think I could go through that 

again. Does anyone else feel like this? Thank you for 

listening and be brave and strong!