BPD has destroyed so much of my life, but it took the most in my late teens I guess. I’ve always struggled in social situations (not with strangers, just with loved ones and people I know) to the point where I’m shaking, acting strange, speaking absolute nonsense, etc. Things hit breaking point last year and I’ve been in regular therapy ever since. I really feel like I’ve come on leaps and bounds - I have a better idea of my sense of self, I’m happy to sit with my emotions, I’ve connected with my inner child and I’m practicing self love and compassion. My girlfriend and I met up on Wednesday with some old uni friends, who I really do love and was actually kind of looking forward to seeing. 

Well.

It was a mess. Not full blown disaster, but I could barely speak to people. I couldn’t stop crying. Shaking. I was so uncomfortable, I didn’t want to be touched and then became anxious about the visuals and consequences of that. Once I started drinking in the evening, I mellowed out a little bit but by then of course the damage is done and I’m listed as ‘psych ward escapee’ by everyone who’s come into contact with me that day. If I could live my whole fucking life stoned or drunk or off my face on benzos I really feel like I could just fake the confidence and relax so that I can do this shit, but obviously that’s not feasible.

I’m so disappointed in myself. I feel so much shame and regret and self loathing. I’m aware enough to recognise that improvements have been made - I didn’t vomit once, which is normally my body’s primary stress response. I was a cauldron of emotions, I was mad at my girlfriend for being ‘neglectful’ and not helping me and I was desperate to punish myself but I thought it’d be better to take time to really think about my feelings to separate the ‘valid’ emotions from the BPD ones, if that makes sense. And probably avoided a massive fight by doing so, but I’m just… so sad. So full of shame. I really thought I was capable of this now. I really thought I’d made some substantial progress and these kind of fuck ups were a thing of the past. Guess not.

Does anyone know how I can improve this stupid social anxiety? I can give speeches, call the council, tell a guy in the street to fuck off. But put me in a room full of people I care about and I freak.

I’ve got a therapy session on Monday, so I just have to make it through the next couple of days and then I can try and work out what happened, I guess. But I feel like she’s just gonna tell me it’s ok and understandable and to practice self love when I just want to slam my head into a wall for making the same mistakes.