This has been opened up for me again and I’m struggling with it. I did some shitty things to my ex. While I managed to stop a lot of these behaviours while we were still together it turns out they’ve left their mark and so while I had mostly moved on from my actions it sounds like they haven’t been able to.

I slapped her on several occasions and would roughly push past her to get away during arguments. I would also yell and swear and say awful things out of anger and rage. I think I would also cling and block and her exit to prevent her leaving at times. I was also pretty stubborn and entitled and didn’t like compromising on decisions and would overrule her if possible. In general I was a shitty girlfriend as most of the time I wanted nothing to do with her and felt pretty trapped at times though when it came to ending things I could never follow through as I was scared of being alone and start feeling like I really wanted to be with her...

Has anyone experienced similar and how do I grow and heal from this? I’d ask if there was anything I could do to help her but given the conversation wasn’t with her directly then I don’t believe there is. 

Is it really just a case of do better next time? Obviously I feel guilt, shame, and disgust about this and I logically know I deserve to even though I emotionally hope that isn’t true (there’s probably a level of cognitive denial going on here)... Either way I don’t  know what to do with these feelings other than ride them out? 

Sorry I just desperately want some input even if people just put me in my place if that’s what’s needed. 

Tl;dr: I behaved in unacceptable ways and struggling with how to move forward...