I've basically reached a point recently where I've given up on life. The bipolar episodes have shown me no mercy, and I've lost my job, I'm about to lose my car, and I am doomed to live with my mom forever. I can't go back to school to get a "big girl" job, because my bipolar is relentless. I wouldn't get good grades with my bipolar being what it is now, and besides that, I wouldn't be able to keep a job anyway. 

So, with no dreams or aspirations, I have quit. I've quit doing chores around the house. I've quit taking a shower on a regular basis. I barely go out anymore. All I do is scroll Reddit, take my medicine (that doesn't even work btw), watch YouTube, think about shit, talk to my mom, and go to sleep. That's it. 

But part of why I've quit is that my episodes have hindered me from helping out around the house as well. The other day, I went to fold and hang some laundry. My racing thoughts were so bad, it took about 45 minutes to finish. There weren't that many clothes at all. It's stuff like that that gets me aggravated and makes me not want to try anymore. 

Anyway, my mom and step dad sat me down and had a talk with me. They berated me for not doing enough around the house. They called me lazy and rubbed everything they do for me in my face. They basically told me it didn't matter if I was mentally ill or whatever, I still needed to do more around the house. It's invalidating as all hell. It'd be different if they had caught me during one of my stable periods. But for one thing, I don't think I even have stable periods anymore. And for another, I'm in a mixed state. I've explained to them in the past that a mixed state is the most serious bipolar state to be in, as it has the highest rates of suicide. But they don't care. They just want a clean house, and they see me as a freeloading, useless bum. 

And to make matters worse, they're wanting me to drive them on a four and a half hour trip next week. My mom isn't able to drive it because of her poor health. My step dad can't either, because he has epilepsy. That leaves me. I don't feel comfortable doing it, because in all honesty, I am in all-out pure rage mode. I don't think I'd be safe enough to be behind the wheel of a car. And for four and a half hours? But I can't tell them no, because then they'll just rub all the things they do for me in my face, just like they did tonight. 

But I guess I gotta do it anyway.