Hello community,I haven't been on reddit for a long while and I made a new account to talk about this. But things recently have come to light that made me really want to talk about this and reddit has always been useful for me in exploring myself and hearing from others.

So for context I'm almost 29 and male. Parents separated when I was around 2 or 3. I lived one week with my dad and mum on and off until about age 13 when I decided to live with mum during the weeks and have every second weekend with my dad, which actually became a lot less throughout high school. I did this because high school was near my mum's house and I couldn't be bothered switching houses all the time. It was stressful.

My mum is a lovely, very alive person. She's also narcissistic in some ways and shows a lot of borderline traits herself. We had explosive angry fights all throughout my teenage years. She is so sensitive to rejection or feedback and I used to cower in fear when she got angry but eventually thought 'screw this. if you're gonna yell and be nasty to me i'll do the same to you'. Mum herself came from abusive parents and left home at 16. To this day she and her mum can't interact with each other. Grandma ends up in seething rage and has never been able to hold down a long-term relationship. She also displays narcissistic and bpd tendencies. But hey, we're all undiagnosed.

So back to me.. I always struggled with low self-esteem, fear of abandonment, very sensitive to rejection, spent most of high school crying myself to sleep and perceived that most people must hate me (sometimes). I also lied a lot in high school. I'm a skilled lier and good at masking.My first girlfriend I fell absolutely in love with at 15, we had a very tumultuous relationship and I ended up breaking up with her right before the 2 year mark mostly because I was worried she would leave me. I regretted that decision for the next 4 - 5 years. The regret still comes up. Because I have some false idea that if I had stayed she would have made me whole. I had a LOT of angry outbursts in that relationship. And looking back I can say I definitely split at times. Back then I (and my gf and people around us) just viewed it as the craziness of teenage romance and hormones.

Eventually though about 4-5 years later (I went through a very long dry spell, couldn't bear to put myself out there and meet people, had a few hookups but really mainly just spent my time addicted to video games), I met my next long-term girlfriend. We both fell strongly for each other. Three or four months in I freak out and take her to a park one evening and straight up tell her we need to end this. I feel nothing for her in this moment. I realise now that's probably dissociation. She is shocked of course, crying, tells me nothing makes sense. Convinces me I'm acting crazy. I end up agreeing and we spent almost 18 months together. Throughout these 18 months I have regular meltdowns, I'm abusive and a toxic person to be around. I end up breaking up with her on 21st birthday. I spent the next 4 months absolutely hating myself and regretting it and realising that all the negative shit I would see every few days with her did not outweigh the positives of our relationship, but ultimately it's good that we're not together because she for sure deserves so much better.

At this point I realised I was kind of fucked up when it came to romantic relationships. The flip side me is that I have a good set of friends and many people who love me and support me and I do the same for them. I'm always there for my friends. Another flipside.. I studied Psychotherapy and got a Masters in Psychotherapy. I work at a mental health call centre and speak to people with cPTSD, schizophrenia, BPD, Bipolar etc. every day. I'm pretty good at it, too. One thing I noticed was that when I spoke to people with BPD I understood them. Deeply.

So I don't know how I've been so fucking unaware of myself in so many ways. I kind of knew that maybe I did have BPD or at least serious symptoms, but I never formally looked into it. I've done patches of my own therapy on and off for the last 4 years, but struggled to ever commit long-term.

Anyway my current situation... been in a relationship with a woman for almost 2 years. We actually had a 8 month relationship a few years ago and then broke up for a year. During our first relationship I had a lot of meltdowns and again started to realise this was a goddamn pattern. I was verbally abusive and cold and unfeeling. And then of course I'd be loving, kind, caring, compassionate, attentive... until I gor triggered. End up breaking up with her on New Year's. I have a habit of this shit.Pandemic hit and I did do some more therapy and do some soul searching I suppose. Did start to work on my self-esteem and start to look more critically at my fears of committing in a relationship. Me and my ex meetup again because she had returned from living interstate for a year or so and then after a few months we decide to get back together. A few months later, episodes start happening again. Verbal abuse, threatening to leave, punching myself in the face (forgot to say I've been doing that since my teenage relationship, but I've never cut myself or attempted suicide - a fuckton of suicidal ideation over the years though, just never a concrete plan because I couldn't do that to my family - particularly my two younger sisters).

Partner tells me I need to get therapy and stop this behaviour or the relationship will probably have to end. I find a therapist and start researching wtf is going on with me. I start to think i have ROCD with attachment wounding and that's where all my problems are coming from. I do an ROCD course which does help a lot of things, like my cognitive biases (b/w thinking, focusing on negative etc.). I see a therapist who thinks I have attachment wounding. I run out of funds to see him consistently. But in general things get a lot better. After a rough few months on moving in with my partner I find some solid ground and we go 2 - 3 months without me having an episode. Some pretty tense moments and arguments but I do get a lot better at managing the anger and taking space in crucial moments to be able to come back. BUT, I think I start masking more without realising. Some of the old outburst energy gets internalised. What I think/thought is ROCD pops in once in a while and I start thinking I'm in the totally wrong relationship. I get pretty used to feeling that every couple of days and then it going away and feeling OK again.

Fast forward to now.. today/yesterday. We're traveling on our first proper interstate holiday, just-the-two-of-us holiday in 18 or so months. Pretty fucked up, right? Partly pandemic, partly my own resistance to us doing stuff together outside the house. I didn't even really realise I had so much resistance, or think it was much of an issue until recently. Anyway, yesterday I had a full-on meltdown. Swearing at her, hating myself, feeling suicidal, punching myself and saying mean and judgemental things to my partner. I start to realise that one of the reasons I don't go out with my partner is because when we're out I get intrusive, critical thoughts running through my mind like.. what must people think of us, she's overweight, she's too old for me. For reference, my partner is 10 years older than me. My mind just focuses on this stuff like crazy. It won't stop some days. It causes me to freak out and I start masking extra.So yesterday, during my meltdown I told partner how my mind is judging her. Obviously she doesn't take it well and I started having a meltdown because of shame coming up. She ends up calming me down.

I started doing some serious thinking about my behaviour and what the hell is up with me. I had been thinking recently it could be autism as well, but BPD honestly seems to fit more. In any case, I will look into getting a diagnosis once I'm back home. I need it. I need some clarity on why I'm like this in relationships because it's fucking terrifying for my partner and for me.

I am still stuck today in a loop of thinking she's not right for me and on top of that I just think she should be with someone who doesn't do what I do to her. Also, reading about masking and the layers of lies and subtle manipulations that people with BPD can engage in (mostly unconsciously or without malicious intent) I've started to recognise layers of that in myself. I'm freaking out wondering what and how I actually feel about her, my friendships, myself and my life generally.

Anyhow, I'll wrap up this enormous post. If you made it to the end or skimmed through, thanks. I'm looking for perspectives. I guess also just looking for a community that can maybe understand and make sense of my experience. Because I'm tired of feeling like I'm broken. And I know also that I need to find a way to move forward for myself and my partner. And I have to start taking real responsibility and real action towards what's been happening for me. Ultimately, I think I would come somewhere under "quiet" BPD or maybe subclinical. Or it might be something different. In any case, I'm thinking a good DBT therapist would be helpful.