I’ll just keep floating through life without meaning and with few real connections until I  die. No one truly cares about me and I’m not making a positive impact in anyone’s life except for maybe my niece and nephew. But if I go away they’ll be sad for a short time and they’ll eventually recover because they’re young and resilient. They wouldn’t understand until they were much older which does bring me comfort. I don’t want to hurt my family but I just don’t know how much longer I can do this? It’s just so hard and painful and every day is a struggle. I only keep doing it because ending my life is ultimately scary and more effort than just going along with the path of least resistance. I also hold onto the tiny thread of hope that something miraculous could happen and I could suddenly find true happiness, but if I’m honest with myself I don’t see a happy ending in my future and that’s all because of the choices I make. I continually build up a nice “happy” life for myself and destroy it out of boredom. I’m toxic and I bring good people down with me. I leave sadness in my wake and hurt good people who don’t deserve it because I’m extremely damaged and destroyed inside. I enjoyed my time with (Redacted) because it was self-destructive and I felt a connection with someone who was as mentally fucked up as I am and hated themselves as much as I do. I also hoped that I would overdose and die and that would take care of things for good. There was more than one instance in which I debated snorting his dope because I knew it was literally an easy way out sitting right in front of me. But in the end, although I’m super self destructive and want to die, I’m too scared to do anything about it. And the pills and hospitalization don’t help or do anything. I’m hopeless. This is just me and this is my lot in life. Misery. I sound so pathetic and dramatic but it’s just who I am. I’ve been this way since I was cutting myself in the bathtub when I was 13. I can never be happy even if everything I’ve ever wanted is laid at my feet. I should just call it a day while I still have most of the people I love in my life and don’t have to suffer losing them as well because I don’t think I could handle it. I just don’t want to do it anymore. Every day I wake up I feel disappointment. Nothing brings me pleasure or satisfaction in life except for mind altering substances and the fleeting feeling that someone desires or cares about me. But that all has an expiration date and goes away and I’m back at square one, which is where I am now. I have no inner contentment and I don’t know what that would even feel like. I’m broken and will never be happy. I just wish I could passively make it stop for good.