Last night culminated in me being covered from head to toe in bruises, once again because of my inability to behave normally.

Long story short, my FP spent a large amount of time in social settings with a woman he'd dated years prior. Exes are a touchy spot for me, although this situation seems particularly fucked IMO, and I can't get past it. He claims I'm better than her in literally every way imaginable, but memory is fickle and I'm sure he'll say that about the next girl, in relation to me. 

It is the biggest strain on our relationship. However, I always do this, and I push people (men I date) to their limits, and I end up physically hurt from it. It's completely my fault, but I'm sick of it. I'm sick of feeling bad when I should be feeling good. I'm sick of being trapped in my head, obsessing over things I can't change. I'm sick of being disappointed when I wake up, once again realizing I didn't stop breathing inexplicably in my sleep.

I'm having a really difficult time today coming up with reasons to keep moving forward with life.