I'm 42 and life has been spiraling down over the last 2 years. I don't know what to do anymore. It's been challenge after challenge, and the last months I've given up. 

2 years ago my ex left me, but we continued to live together for a year with our 2 kids. My ex wouldn't give any reason why: it was just silence for a year. Basically as in our relationship when any problems or disagreements happened. It's crazy how silence can make you doubt so much about yourself. 

It was a year of being emotional available for the kids and finding solutions through mediator. I totally forgot myself. 

After a year my ex found a new place. Me and the kids were told the same day, so it all happened from one day to another. Again the silence. A second breakup. We have shared custody and it's around this time it started spiraling down. 

My mental health got bad. Panic attacks and anxiety.  I lost many people around me. The emptiness of not having my kids around. I was still able to pay my  bills. Keeping up some of my interests, but the emotional numbness just kept growing. After a year of staying strong, biting my tongue and keeping shit together, I was just not able get out of my head. 

I don't really know what I've done the last year. It's just a blur, and now, I feel like giving up. The few friends I have moved away during the pandemic. My family is far away, and I don't like bothering people, with my problems. 

The only thing keeping me barely going are my kids. They are the best, and deserve better, than the person I am. 

My little ones are still confused 2 years after. So am I. And, I'm the one who still needs to explain why things like this happens, regardless of how clueless I'm myself in this situation. 

Everyone I know says I'm a good parent. School praises my efforts. But, it's not true. I  haven't been able to pay my bills for months. Panic attacks and anxiety over loosing my place. Loosing everything is very close. I've used alcohol as medication to fall a sleep lately. I wake up early in the morning, and tell myself it's over. Then reminding myself I have to survive. 

It's just sad. I've ended up giving up on myself, without understanding, it's meant I've given up on the ones I care the most about in the world.  

Sorry for the long post and creating a new account for this. I'm not even sure why I'm posting, but maybe someone can learn from my mistakes. Taking care of yourself means taking care of the one's you love. 

Wish you all the best.