My boyfriend(20M) of almost 2yrs of dating and myself (20F) made an out of state move over a year ago. And I’ve just always felt lonely since we did. I’ve always struggled with depression and anxiety though the anxiety was newly understood. I have CPTSD and I still deal with a lot of those repercussions. But since April of this year I’ve felt like I’ve made some major mental health progress. And with that progress I have been able to dig deeper into therapy and that brings up some big emotions that I’m struggling to fully cope with. My biggest fear is that my Boyfriend is going to feel as though he isn’t enough and that he’s the reason I’m getting worse bc he struggles with some things himself - we grew up in similar situations. I’ve started to take a prescription medication for Anxiety and Depression and I know that I need it to feel better but, feeling better comes at the price of numbing my insecurities all day and then at night when I’m home alone - my boyfriend works nights- my meds wear off and I’m stuck with my thoughts and it’s like tuning a radio as they come. Soft at first then increasingly louder the later it gets. The panic attacks are the worst. If I’m able to go to sleep first it’s a nightmare of my BF leaving or Dying or something terrible, then sleep paralysis. Or hyperventilating and overthinking all the possibilities that someone breaks in and SA me. It’s terrible to think of but I can’t stop doing it. If I don’t overthink if what could happen then I start to think about what had happen to me and my mind works against me like almost as if I’m speaking to a therapist or some sort of other person at all times in my head and they are always in disagreement with what I am thinking or what I’m doing or what I believe. I smoke marijuana to kind of forget who I am and what I’ve done and what has happened to me but I can’t stop. The weed doesn’t help anymore. Actually makes it worse sometimes. I’ve started to self harm again and I’m trying to hide it from my bf but I know that won’t last very long. I don’t know how to explain that I’m the one that’s missing something to make me happy, that it’s not his sole role to ensure my happiness. And don’t get me wrong he makes me happy but he doesn’t stop the overthinking he doesn’t stop the constant criticism that my mind never falters to give. And I don’t know how to forgive myself for what I’ve done and what has happened