Dunno if this is the right place, but I can't figure out any better places to write. I hope this won't end up tl;dr sized wall-o-text. I need to vent.

I've been seeing a psychologist for about 2 months now. I'm not officially diagnosed, but every single time she's been hinting some instability. I looked up the criteria for bpd and had kind of holy shit that's me -revelation. Almost every point hits home, except for a few: I don't really have any conscious feelings of abandonment, but unconsciously it could explain some of my behaviour. And I don't really 'lash out' on people unless I'm extremely irritated, and even then I'm not sure if the magnitude is enough to be labelled 'lashing out.' I know/feel like I'm not the "crazy type", no offence, at the very least. Since then I've been reading prolly way too much about it.

And last week she said I have probably just been depressed since I can remember. I most likely am. Even as a kid I was miserable and I've never really felt in sync with the rest of the World. I'm like a radio that's tuned just few notches off the station. But for once I found something that would define me, apart from my finger prints, and she dismissed it all with one off-hand comment.

This week I saw a psychiatrist the second time. The first time ~6 weeks back was great and it felt like I could finally get some answers as to just how crazy I am. This time we pretty much just talked about what kind of pills I'd like to eat. And I can't even decide if I want to drink coffee or tea in the morning. Both psychologist and -atrist agree that bipolars are out of the picture, but she offered me some mood stabilizers nonetheless. She said I don't even really fit the depression diagnosis, because the intensity of it varies so much and so often.

And I kind of agree. Even at the point where I don't want to exist at all, I don't "feel" the description or anything else written about depression. And for example I can't really connect with the people or posts on /r/depression at all.

I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I don't know what to think. I don't know what am I feeling. I don't know what I should feel. The discrepancy is tearing me apart from the inside. I don't know if I'm honest with the doctors, or even with myself. I don't know if I can trust myself. I feel like totally different person when talking to the shrinks and e.g. belittle my drinking. Maybe it's a trust issue: I've never really talked to anyone what's going on in my head and I'm still uncomfortable being honest about things. Maybe I'm just mental.

Now I've been contemplating for hours if I should submit this at all, but fuck it.