I recently started medical school and I have not been doing well. I have an exam coming up in two days and I have lost my complete motivation to study. I’ve never procrastinated this much on anything before. The past 3 weeks of my time has been consumed with searching up how to deal with failure. I’m so disappointed in myself that I’m not putting in the amount of effort that I should to succeed. I just don’t have it in me anymore. I spend most of my days sleeping, worrying about my future and hating myself for letting everyone around me down. Lately I’ve been having severe suicidal thoughts to the point where I’ve been searching up ways to die instead of studying, I know it’s counterproductive. The thought of dying has completely consumed my mind and I wish that I could just die in my sleep. I hate waking up and forcing myself to pound all this material into my head. I don’t know what to do anymore. I will definitely fail this block so there’s nothing much that I can do in that regard. I can’t even explain these things to my family or friends because I don’t want them thinking that something is wrong with me. I put so much of my self worth into medical school and seeing myself fail so miserably makes my life not worth it anymore. If you made it this far thank you for reading my rambling. I just wanted to vent.