I've had to make myself small and quiet because of relationships that have ended because of me being vocal about my feelings and relationships where my illness has been weaponised against me. both romantic and not.

I'm lucky enough to be with the love of my life and they obviously know my diagnosis and are very understanding and caring, and saved my life. but I know because I've forced myself to keep things in for so long in fear of losing people, that I haven't shown them the whole of me. They've seen me in a bad way, and helped me through crises, but even then I've not been 100% honest about how I feel and the extent of my illness. Now I feel like it's only a matter of time before I just explode. 

I don't want that to happen, and I'm so so exhausted from keeping everything in. I don't know how I can have this conversation and move forward because if I do, and I let myself express my emotions fully, I think I'd be a completely different person in their eyes and that I've lied to them.

I already spend every day occupied with the thought that they could never love me the way I love them. I feel like that would be so much more true if I stop holding everything in.