
i have been with my boyfriend for almost a year. we were "together" for 8 months before that but we were in different countries so it was long distance. I always seem to end up with guys I cant really get to, one way or another. perks of abandonment life trap I guess. 

the bpd feels out of control. I think I have it under control and then something happens (eg 'that same girl liked his tweet again') and I break. no matter how many times he tells me he loves me, that the girl was no one, that hes never cheated.... the thoughts remain. 

even as I'm writing this I'm thinking yes actually it is fucking weird that they stopped sleeping together but she still likes all his shit. and it is fucking weird that he liked a pic of her in boys underwear that looked like his. I feel completely insane. it feels like theres no end to the anxiety. to my constant suspicions. 

I just want to trust him. i really really just want to trust him. 

I keep writing and deleting. I feel so anxious. that anxiety that tells me hes cheating hes cheating hes at least leading her on.. I cant stop the thoughts. dbt didnt help. all I can feel is that rush feeling in my chest and the panic is all over me. I dont know how to stop the anxiety.

do I just stop being in relationships? my dbt therapist told me recently "it's in relationships that you do the healing" but relationships are so PAINFUL. so is being alone. they both hurt. 

i tried cold water. it helps for a second but i dont know. I guess I'm saying I dont know what i can do to actually cope with the tiny things that set me off. 
i want to be able to just tell myself to shut up and stop worrying when i know he loves me. 

tldr; how do you convince yourself someone loves you? how do you control your jealousy in relationships? my mind is out of control imagining scenarios in which my bf will leave me/cheat but hes told me it's not true.