I don't know what to do anymore. I was in a relationship with a woman for 2 years and it ended kinda badly. It was entirely my fault. I lied to her. She ended up forgiving me and we decided to just be friends. After a while she said she couldn't be my friend anymore because she couldn't get passed her feelings for me and that I needed to let her go. Fast foward after the holidays, she fell ill and ended up in the emergency room, she reached out and of course I was there for her. We decided to be friends again. She blew up on me right before valentine's day because she wanted me to come see her. I couldn't do this because my passport expired. She said she could no longer be friends again because she still couldn't get over her feelings. I was there for her when she had nobody. Just a little backstop, I am slightly older than she is and currently going through a divorce. I have kids and just recently found out that the kids that I have been raising are not mine. I really needed my friend, my best friend but she wants nothing to do with me. I tried to arrange a meeting with her, tried to accommodate every concern she had, but she said she would not come and it was time for us to move on. We had a last phone conversation and after that call, I went into a panic attack and had to go to the emergency room. I was hooked up on monitors and they took lots of blood to run tests. Well it turns out that I was diagnosed with lymphoma. It is treatable, but I now have nobody. I told her what was wrong with me and all I got was, I hope you feel better. So back to this trip I tried to arrange, I ended up going just on the off chance that she would show up, she did not. I messaged her and told her I would not bother her again and I wouldn't contact her, she said that she agrees. I have ruined everything and it seems like this year has really shit on me and it's just getting started. I have no family, my kids are not my kids and worst of all, I don't have my best friend. Sometimes I just feel like why am I still here. Sorry for the long post and thank you if you took the time to read this. I just had to get it out there.