So as I dived into therapy I realized that one major practical reason I have Quiet BPD is that I identified too much with my parents's thoughts and values. I never actually rebelled against them, I was a parentified child and my identity revolved around looking down on my peers, condemning rebellion and teen stuff. I chose 'conservative' friends, didn't do much at all, stayed a lot at home and was very, very frustated over girls.   


After a while I realized this was bad and I guess I made up for some of it, but I only ever partly made up for the lack of honest, genuine relationships. I never actually trusted people with my truest problems, I went to psychologists and different adults. It's like I never was a teen. I had ideas about what stuff to do but I never dared do them. I always felt - I still do - that they were forbidden to me. That I cannot dye my hair or play a bass guitar because it will look ridiculous. I had lots and lots of shame-driven ihibitions.   


Anyway, I never really became anyone other than a good, top of the class student, but that wasn't a carreer choice. I missed that too. Since I skipped rebellion and making up my own identity, trying out stuff as a teen, I missed out on forming a real value system and finding my true passion. I'm a talented person, I'm good at a lot of things, but shame, frustration and depression have stopped me from becoming a master of anything. Now I am utterly mediocre. No money, no career path and no relationships record other than a few months' going out with girls. I haven't committed to anything.

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Therapy has stirred up my past and now I'm thinking that everything I believed about myself might be false. It's like whatever identity I had so far is crumbling by the day. E.g. I have lots of worried about intimate relationships and I started experimenting with my sex, but I wish that I hadn't. This, again is shattering my image of myself. 

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I'm really worried about myself, frequently pondering suicide. I have an idea of who I was as a child and pre-teen and that that was my true, core self that should've developed further. I am certain about that. Instead I got parentified, abused by lack of attention and bullying and became a misanthrope and later started to hate myself as well. And nothing became of me as of by 30. So I want to know how much I can shape myself at this point and make up for the rebellion part. One thing I know is that I definitely don't want to keep up as it is. Suicide seems more genuine and a better deal altogether than living with this distorted and low-functioning self. I just can't-put up-living-this-lie. This is not me. It never has been. I want to become daring, audacious, cheeky and passionate like I always should've been, like I was before all this and to find my passion and become a master of it. That is about the only life I accept.