TLDR; venting and basically writing out my thought process of how to fix the aftermath of a bad episode I had last night

I just need to post here to organise my thoughts and work out what to do, and maybe to feel less alone if anyone can relate. 

Last night I had an episode that stemmed from a very small disagreement with my partner about sexism. This difference of opinion turned to dismissive and belittling comments and "so sorry lol but it was a joke". Debate or disagreement I can handle but not being patronised, leaving me in a situation where I can't really reply anything or make an argument cause I've already been told "look I'm not getting into this cause I don't want a lecture". This is the point where I ran off into our room and started crying and spiralling into self harm and throwing out my books about sexism, feminism etc. 

So, I know that while it was valid to feel frustration about the conversation, it was definitely not justified to respond in that way. I know that I should have left the conversation and calmed down but it happened so quickly like a switch that couldn't go back. But we're here now so

It stayed really shit and argumentative while I was self harming for a while but then my partner really helped me calm down when it was clear that it really wasn't about the argument and I was just out of control and freaking out. We smoked a j and had dinner and went to bed. He is at work now all day and I am just feeling really awful and idk what to do. I just want to get out what's upsetting me so I understand it and I'm gonna do that here:

1. My head, neck and back hurt like fuck from hitting it. Scars are back on my stomach after they were just about healed. My skin is all broke out as it does every time from the stress, blood vessels burst all round my eyes and I look awful. I'm in pain and feel sick and look awful and I just don't want to be in my body.
2. I feel shit about myself for ruining a really good streak of looking after myself and keeping calm to avoid these things. Potentially triggering things have come up and I have dealt with them okay for a short while now and I was proud of my progress. Gone now. 
3. This was also a good streak for me and my partner of no interruptions of episodes. I feel guilty for causing that stress and for him having to see and hear everything last night. I hate creating more memories of me in his head that are like that. I am scared of the bad things sticking out more and overpowering anything good. 
4. Ruined my "self care' routine I've been really good with recently - no js, no cigarettes, consistent bedtime and wake time, exercise, meditation, yoga, journaling, reading, breathing exercises, therapy exercises. All that was ruined last night cause of all the time taken up with an episode - we had to get take out, smoked 3 to calm down, got to bed really late, woke up late today and therefore skipped every part of my routine that keeps me okay. 
5. My books are in the bin. Books related to feminism, mental health and recovery. All the things I knew I'd be most upset about but that's why I do it in the moment. Also all the things that have been helping me to understand and deal with my traumas and build a sense of self and actually have interests. These things were helping me to change and feel confident and have conversations with people with similar interests. Last night ended with me agreeing to never talk about those things and to not have those interests anymore. This was because earlier my partner had said they do not want us to ever have these conversations because our views are too different and it ends up being heated. 
6. I have so much shit to be doing right now - two massive assignments to finish my degree and finding a job for when it's finished. Yesterday was wasted with this, I slept in this morning and now I feel too dissociated (and kind of sick and sore) to do anything I'm meant to so I'm writing this to sort shit out in my head. Time is getting shorter and shorter until my deadlines.
7. My whole house is just so messy and gross because of me being destructive and also me preventing us from cleaning last night cause I took up the whole evening with my shit. 

I am not in therapy and I don't have friends who I can talk to about this. I've been on a waiting list for therapy for well over a year now so I've been trying to do everything I can on my own, DBT and CBT workbooks, meditation, lifestyle shit etc. I think I'm doing a good job with it but without anyone to really talk about it with, I feel so lost when these things happen and I lose my progress for weeks sometimes and end up in a cycle of near daily episodes and 24/7 suicidal thoughts. I don't want that. What's the best things I can do for myself? I have roughly 5 hours until my partner gets home so that's 5 hours to improve the situation. 

1. Messy apartment - spend an hour now tidying up with a podcast or music on so I don't hear my thoughts
2. Sore - do some gentle yoga, do my breathing exercises, get a shower, do skin care
3. Books - save the ones that can be saved and give them a clean
4. Upsetting my partner - reflect and think about a proper apology now that we've had time apart. Make dinner before he gets home and have everything clean. 
5. Ruined streak - journal about what happened and how to improve going forward. Do as many things as I can today which I know help me be calm and not as reactive - breathing exercises, eat properly, meditate, exercise, clean flat, organised for tomorrow.
6. Assignments and job search - focus on being okay for a good, productive day tomorrow and set aside just 30 minutes today to do at least something, but prioritise feeling better for tomorrow.

I don't know what to do about the original issue of the sexism thing - I'd like to work on communication, getting to a place where we can have a discussion and just be curious about the other person's point of view and learn from each other and he would prefer to avoid those topics because our views are too different and it feels heated for him. This could be an okay compromise but it doesn't help the situations where he says something that is simply sexist and I have no way to respond without pretending I agree with it. For now though, I will be happy to get back to an okay place.