This is mostly whining and I don't get why I'm writing this down. Maybe I want reassurance? 

I lost all, and I mean all people arround me, even the only ones that I've known for years.

&amp;#x200B;

So, I was jobless after a horrible job at a plant with people that bullied me near sucide and a boss that harrassed me, even sexuality. I did DBT, quit, was jobless for a year with no means of doing anything and found myself in program for people like me. Psychiologically damaged, out of work for a while and searching for a  job. At this point I've been in and out of hospitals for about 10 times, sometimes just 3 days, sometimes months, with a total of 15 (or something?) diagnosis.

It went well at first, but they (mostly psychiatrists, no doctors) noticed that I had severe depressed episodes again. The program is covered for 11 months and it's better to abort it now after 7 months and continue later instead of doing nothing for the next 4 months. I showed up daily, no missing times, but I just couldn't even get up and wasn't allowed to stay longer than 1 PM due to not being strong enough. Also, soooo many doctor visits.

So this was today. The talk took 2min, I gave them my sick leave and left the building forever. People that I considered my friends saw me and knew about my state but didn't approach me. I left the whatsapp-group I made in the beginning for our group and noone said a word, this was on monday. I went to my therapist appointment today and it was just pointless, as ususal. She'll be gone for a few weeks. 

My emergency meds (10+mg lorazepam immediate release sublingual tablets) didn't work, the week full of 20-60mg diazepam / a day didn't work, the 2mg clonazepam daily didn't work so I just couldn't regulate myself down.

My therapists is right next to one of the biggest hospitals in the area, so I just sit in the park, put out my 'last words' in my purse with an included razor and began opening old scar tissue. Neatly packed it up with all the supplies I carry and up to the surgery emergency ward. I was stitched up, told them the truth, and went home.

Tried writing with people I've met a few times but I ended up leaving the group for good. So no online contacts whatsover, it's unforgivable, I didn't even talk about me. It's just that people seem to hate me and 4/5 of them are in therapy and kinda pissed about everything. We have been together for 5+ years in this stupid group, had lots of drama but lately it's just us getting too old for this shit.

So, besides no income, no rent, no money for the rest of the month I also got no local friends, no internet friends or distant friends. I don't beg and I don't want to. I asked 3-4 'experts' on what to do, what institutions to contact, but to no avail. I am down and got pushed down even more. Hell, not even fucking lithium helps and this is the 'last resort' antidepressant for my psychiatrist and me. 

Now I'm absolutely sober despite taking 10g kratom and 10mg lora, all that dia and clona... I just wish to puke in my sleep and die in a not-so-peaceful-way but hey, at least it will finally be over. My exit-kit contains SN but I don't have it here with me, sadly. It would be perfect, I had such a nice weekend with my family and siblings. They all know I will end up dead, we talked about it openly and even though it's tough for them they know how bad it is. 

Best thing about benzos is that I forget soooo many things. Like, this post was supposed to be full of pretty hard-to-swallow statements but I just forgot all of it and that kinda funny.

tldr: life is shitty, gets even shittier, even shitter, EVEN SHITTIER, not worth living

\+ I forgot, like, the important bits for sure.