people without BPD have absolutely no idea what its like. oh, you're wondering why i haven't spoken in hours when usually i'm little miss chatterbox? sorry not sorry, but i'm too busy feeling rejected and angry and incredibly hurt that you didn't feel like having a phone call. yup.

i just don't want it anymore. i don't want to be with 'normal' boys who like dating and wasting time and feeling like things are 'moving too fast'. just no. it's 0 or 100 and since i have no wish to change, i've realised i've been barking up the wrong trees this whole time. i want someone like me. i know i'll be happy with someone like me.

for me, it's always been normal to feel like my heart is breaking into a million pieces when i have to go several hours without hearing from my FP. even if everything is rosy in our garden. it still fucking hurts. and on top of that, i've always felt offended that 'i'm the only one feeling this way'. like it must mean i care more, love more, feel more deeply. 

and i'm soooo tired of that feeling. for once, i want to be crushed and smothered by the love of a boy, the way *i* love. 

realising i need a boy with BPD has been the best and biggest epiphany i've ever had. 

no more wasting fucking months on 'getting to know' each other. no more dating bullshit. 

it's as simple as meeting each other, liking each other, then starting our lives together. 