Lately with the falling weather, my seasonal depression has returned. On top of that, I suffer from the monster that is BPD. I've disconnected with all of my family members and friends. I haven't left my home in 8 months other than today because I was taken in an ambulance after an overdose.

I wanted to die so bad. The pain is just too much to handle. The rejections, the ruminations, the loneliness, the depression, the anger, the hypervigilance, the endless sea of worry has torn me apart. In the heat of the moment, as I was fading away, I dialed my dealer, the only person I had left in my life, who called the police to check up on me after I became unresponsive. I had taken 100mG of GHB, and apparently had stopped breathing when the paramedics got there. 

I woke up completely naked covered in sheets. There was a catheter in my urethra, several IV injections, nose tube, and a pipe down my throat. The doctors in charge was unfortunately not really understanding, I told him of BPD, substance abuse, and my problems. I asked him if I was in okay health after this incident, to which he replied "no you're not healthy, you abuse drugs". After I told him that was painful to hear, he just said "I'm not here to be your best friend". 

My BPD is extreme. I couldn't even stand the sight of my dealer leaving my place after a transaction. I felt abandoned, that he would ever leave on his command, which is such a wrong mentality. And I understand that. But how I feel in the moment, the amount of pain is too much. 

I still want to end it. I feel like I'm getting closer. Today, I almost died. Maybe next time, it'll actually be my last day on earth. Goodbye BPD.