I don’t know how to explain it. Paragraphs are too long to explain anything.
I’m not happy. I’m way too bitter and resentful at a point where I feel hated by everyone. I do show a lot of narcissism but I am aware. I hate it. Whenever I do something for attention and they ignore it, I get angry and assume they hate me already and Im very quiet but passive aggressive. I hate myself and my life, I don’t have friends. I’ve done bad stuff in my life and I deserve the consequences for it. I want to end it. I want to end it now. I’m lonely. I’m smoking weed to escape from these feelings and it’s only getting harder when it comes off and get terrible withdrawals. I’m going on vacation with parents but im still not too happy. I don’t have someone to go with. I wish I had a best friend to go travel with. I’ve lost everyone in my life. Lost myself too. I fear of abandonment and extreme loneliness, homelessness. I can’t imagine myself to be in the streets, it just seems like I cannot change myself no matter how many therapist I go through, im all out of hope. 


I wish I was normal you know? My mind is not right and fried to the point of permanent stupidity. I wish I can be happy and be happy with family. Nooo im way too unhealthy. It’s not looking too good. Im sorry God.. im sorry.