Ever since high school, I've been sharing less and less with my close friends and eventually stopped sharing my personal thoughts with anybody. I used to be bubbly and excited, I could never stop talking! I'd be the loudest person around, starting conversations with everybody, and probably being annoying by how social I was. Now the idea of even saying hi to someone gives me anxiety. Deep down, I can't blame my friends, I probably seemed like I lost interest in them. All I ever wanted was for them to talk to me, to do things with them, anything. Now? Well, after seeing all of them disappear from my life since COVID, I don't want them anymore. I know it's not right, they're good people, they're smart as hell, and they did care once! But I hate all of them now. I'm bitter and petty that they didn't reach out to me, I get angry every time I see they make plans because I wasn't invited. I'm a selfish asshole and I only care about myself. I could feel myself becoming this way even before COVID, I'd be a manipulative bitch and say things to make them focus on me more, because I wanted attention. I tried so hard to tell everyone how depressed I was. It didn't matter. All I ever got was paragraphs about how "It'll get better, I'm here for you!" No actions. They never checked on me more. They never wanted to hang out. I don't think I care about them anymore. Reaching out to them now will only just be problematic, I mean nobody knows anything about me anyways now. It's not worth the stress and trust to have friends. So I guess this is the rest of my life, an unproductive blob with no social connections who only exists as a vague "Oh, I knew her in high school" in the minds of half a dozen people. 

It really is my fault, I realize this. I should've been a less selfish person. Oh well.