Just before covid, due to insurance reasons and switching jobs, my ex pwBDP got off her SSRIs. But It started when my my ex pwBDP got pregnant. We are in our mid-late twenties, and she had a very strong reaction to this. As soon as she found out she said she was getting an abortion immediately. We had been together for six year, talked marriage, and sort of talked children. I should have known this would have been her reaction considering she has said things like "I am afraid of giving my children mental disorders." She has only been diagnosed with depression, and was seemingly high functioning.

Her body, her choice, but I did say I was ready to have a child. She didn't care and went to the clinic that day. Ultimately, she had a miscarriage within a week. So that was sort of nipped in the bud.

Before all of this our relationship was very steady. I had my hobbies, school, work, friends. I struggled with anger problems and am in therapy now, but I really think a lot of it stemmed from being quietly emotionally neglected. In all of my other friendships I have never been angry and have had the same 8 really close friends for over a decade (military and high school). Since she's been gone I've only been mad about how she left things, but no anger or outbursts whatsoever.

She didn't have any friends in our area, nor did she make any in our five years. She never made an effort to see her two college friends, and for her birthday I would get her plane tickets to seem them on the west coast. In those five years, they never visited, either. She enjoyed reading, but was emotionally closed off and had no real dreams, very low self-esteem, was majorly apathetic and sometimes it seemed like she lacked empathy. She also didn't seem to have any needs, and didn't meet mine (communication, physical touch). She would also tell lies about dumb things (she once lied about getting in a car with a drunk driver) and other white lies about things that didn't make sense.

She was very sweet in those five years, never seemed to get angry, but sometimes I felt like something was off. She never had any depth, and wouldn't go deep into conversations or interests. She would sometimes do things with me like play chess, but really she had no interests of her own and never asked me to explore her mind with her. It always felt like I was the one asking if she wanted to go lift weights, bike ride, baseball games to keep things spicy. She was a hard worker, and I even offered to pay for a vacation anywhere in the world as long as she planned it. I wanted her to come up with something and treat her to a dream vacation, but she never took me up on it. I asked for like three years.

So after the miscarriage came summer, and one day she told me she resented me. I asked why, and she said because I had friends, hobbies, things I loved. I didn't really let it affect me, but it did stick for a while.

So then a few months later we got a puppy. Everything was cool at first, but one day she got this headache. It lasted for 10 days and now I am suspicious whether or not it was legitimate. During this time she was extremely sensitive to the construction going on outside of our apartment, and began to work in her car at the library parking lot to get the wifi.

A week after this she was crying in bed. It was more like wailing. I laid in bed with her and asked her what was wrong, but she stonewalled me and cried. I laid there with her for 20 minutes then went into my office and felt dead inside. There was seemingly nothing I could do. I started crying.

The next day the same thing happened and we missed a family event I had been really looking forward to for months. I was worried for her, but it started to also make me mad because she wouldn't say anything. I put a hole in a door out of frustration because it was driving me insane. I just wanted her to say something.

One week exactly was another event I had been looking forward to: a birthday camping trip for one of my best friends. I of course invited my pwBPD, and the car ride up was pleasant. She even brought her mom's dog. It seemed like everything was going to be okay.

But, I forgot a few tent poles like a dummy, and she sorta made me feel bad about it. Nothing too harsh, but sort of. We managed to have a semblance of a tent, but it was a cold night. I remember waking up and she was cuddling her dog. Mind you, she never liked cuddling in all those years and always used getting too hot as an excuse, so I became conditioned to never really cuddle her, though I would have liked to.

When we woke up, she threw a huge fit in front of me and my friends. She had never really done this before. She kinda yelled at me, asked me why I didn't cuddle her, and stormed off into the woods. Then she came back and stormed off in the other direction. I finally followed her and asked her what was wrong. I decided if she is going to act like this, we will drive the 300 miles back home, and so we did. I felt dumb about not bringing the poles, and now bad because my friends birthday became a bit weird. She said lets stop at a camping store to get poles and go back, but I had enough and just wanted to go home.

Over the next two months she began to stonewall harder. She would come into my room and pout, not speak to me. Just stare at me and pout. I told her I couldn't read her mind and she needed to communciate. She also started to wake me up in the morning when I was only getting 3 or 4 hours of sleep. She just wanted me to wake up with her when she got up for work. One morning she asked for sex (very uncharacteristic) and another morning when she told me she wanted coffee, I got frustrated and told her to "please fucking let me sleep." She responded with "what are you going to do, hit me?"

...I have never ever done that. That hurt so bad I told her to go to her moms.  This waking up stuff happened like at least 10 times. It's ironic because when she was on SSRIs I would let her sleep until 2 p.m. on the weekends and would gently wake her up with a kiss. She was really crossing a boundary - I like my sleep, too. Like she did.

She began to stay at her moms and I began to drink nearly everyday. When she would come back it was more stonewalling. I finally got it together after a few weeks, was training our pup, lifting, eating right. She noticed this and said "it looks like you don't need me, you look like you're doing fine without me." I told her I loved her, and that's not how it works.

So in late winter she planned a road trip. She told me she wanted to go across the country alone, and that we do no contact. I asked if I could go with her, but she said she wanted to go alone. She went, didn't call on our anniversary (I didn't call as the ball was in her court) and when she came back I was so fucking hurt. I threatened a breakup, but at the same time, loved her and wanted her to stay.

A week went by, and things seemed to have mellowed out. We even planned a trip together to leave our town and try something new.

Instead, she planned another road trip the other way across the country. She said she would be gone for a month. I told her "I understand we are in different places right now, and I get what you're doing." We said we loved each other, but in the morning when she left, she kind of glared at me and didn't say anything. I told her to be safe.

It wasn't until a few days later that I realized she had packed all of her clothes. I called her and she said "she was happy to be single and independent." I cried and said, "what??" She said she thought we had an understanding about the breakup. I didn't realize breakups were up to interpretation.

I called another week later asking "can't we get some therapy and try again?" She said "can you ever trust me again?"

I just feel so fucking low. From the codependency, the stonewalling, all the effort I put it. She never asked me about my school work, never initiated intimacy, lied to me about stupid shit, never told me her needs, and then just threw me away. All of this seemed to have come out of nowhere. Maybe it was always there, but for five years everything seemed pretty good. Then her resentment built up so much she just bailed. Instead of communicating anything to me, she just began to disconnect.

Five months later, she's driving around state to state staying in Air BnB's. This is very uncharacteristic of her. It really seems like the last few months she has been going through a breakdown of sorts. I spoke to her mom recently and she told me her best friend from college has with her for about a month and a half. I called my ex the next day and she said she has been alone this whole time trying to build her self-esteem. I knew she was lying about being alone, but I went with it. We hadn't spoke for two months and I was just calling for a bit of closure.