I've always questioned if keep living made any sense, im young, barely an "adult", i have been wanting to come here and just express myself and talk with some people, without getting the invalidating opinions people close to me tend to give me.

 I've thought about commiting suicide a lot of times, to the point i self harmed, but nothing way to serious i suppose. The only thing that has always kept me from gong through with it was my family, my mom mainly, i would think about her walking into my room one morning just to say good morning and finding me dead on the floor, so i would just cry and leave like a thought. I love my family, they are not the issue, when i talk to them about this they give their opinions on how it would be selfish for me to kill myself or how they can't live without me, and they only make me feel worse, aside from that, we work. 

I just don't see how living is worth it, all the pain yo have to go through, the anger, sadness, loss, and so many more things for only a few moments of happiness in our lives, it doesn't make sense to me. I honestly feel like i hate everything sometimes, i don't like studying, and im not good at it, yet here i am in college, i feel like im just an economical burden for my parents, one we cannot afford.

The fact that i cost so much money makes me feel even worse, so i recently got a job, i haven't even started and i alredy feel like i failed bc i have 0 experience and don't really know what im doing, i don't even like it i just did it for the money, thinking it would make me feel better but it made me feel like i carry more burden than before.

i don't even feel like i have a friend Who i can just tell them how i feel or just talk like friends do, everyone seems to have New friends or have such good ones for so long and i don't even have 1 to talk to when i feel like this. Everyone seems to be moving on and i just feel like im stuck in the same place 14 year old me was, crying and wsnting to end it all.

I don't know if i can do it, keep living like this, unhappy most of the time, feeling like a burden to everyone. I feel lonely, i feel sad, overwhelmed and still think it would be better if i could just kill myself, it would save me from feeling like this, so worried about how if the future is gonna be like this, then i don't wanna be here to see it. I don't know what to do and just wanted to put it out there and talk to someone, thank you for reading and sorry bc this is really long.