Tbh idk what I want or need or what I’m looking for. I have a journal but I feel it’s easier to vent here.

Clearly I have BPD. 

Apart of BPD is self harm and self sabotage and sometimes addictive tendencies. Addiction runs in my family. I became a fentanyl addict 2019. It’s now 2022. Since 2019 I’ve gotten sober 3 times. The 1st time lasted 6 months? 2nd time last 4 days. 3rd time, which is now, I’m going on 9 months. I don’t really crave it any more. Im on to much better things with my life. That’s not why I’m venting tho. That’s just a back story into my life, if anyone read this. Read it or not idc I just need to get my feelings out.

I know people could judge in the comments. Tell me what to do. This or that. I frankly don’t care. I don’t have the answers, nor am I looking for them. Im going to live life and whatever happens, happens.

Im doing good now. Im in college. Im doing good in other aspects as well but I won’t get into detail.

Im 22F 

My fiancé is in jail (in a city near by). He gets out November 1st. He has court November 7th in our home town. He might be facing prison time. Im doing well enough in life right now to afford him a good lawyer but I fear prison will still await him. I get 7 days (kinda) of him being home (after 9 months of jail)

Im trying to be strong for him.

But I fear those 7 days are going to be filled with goodbyes instead of hellos. 

I love him more than I ever knew a person could love. He treats me right. No, actually. He really does. He isn’t toxic towards me. Yes, we became addicts at the same time. 2019. We have been dating since 2017. You can tell me he is bad news. He’s a piece of shit. But guess what, then so aren’t I? He just so happen to get caught while I wasn’t there. We don’t call each-other names. We don’t hurt each-other. We genuinely love each-other. We trust each-other. We want to get married. Have a family. We both never ever EVER want to go back into the addict life. I guess that was me trying to show you he isn’t a bad person believe what you will I guess.

All I’m trying to say is I’m depressed. My meds help but I’ve been filled with panic and tears every day. 

Not looking for the basic comments of “leave him” or anything like that. That won’t solve how I feel. Nothing really will. I just need to keep living.

I’ve had a therapist before. I’m thinking about getting one again. I know it’s sooo hard to get on the waiting list. I just need mental help within myself. 

Purely just looking to vent here. 

If you honestly want me to feel better, vent in the comments about your life. It’s nice not feeling alone in sadness.