Hey, tomorrow I have to go to work again. I was very ill for the last 3 months and couldn't go. Three days ago I started to feel a lot better because of new medication. So I brought up the motivation to inform my boss I could work again today. I wouldn't have to because nobody's expecting me to. But I was so ill that I couldn't even get out of bed most of the time and I developed a strong desire to participate in life again (or better for the first time ever haha). After a few weeks I was more depressed than ever but I personally made a lot of progress in my ways of thinking tbh. I want change that's why I went to see my boss today. Staying home, watching TV, binging on drugs and sleeping, I did that before I got ill. But since I didn't have any other chance then doing these things I realized how toxic they really are and that I definitely don't want to be that kind of person. 

Sooo, what's the problem? I don't know why but as soon as I spoke to my boss I immediately felt shitty because I have to go back in tomorrow. It's draining all my energy just to think of that. It's like before and I don't know what to do. I called in sick very often because of that reason that is also something I want to change obviously. 

But how do I achieve this if I'm going straight back to feeling miserable? How does someone stay motivated or can accept to have to work at least? I don't get it... I even got suicidal thoughts like "I don't have to work if I'm dead" and I feel so ridiculous about that!!!

It's the same with every job I ever did. But this time I'm doing what I'm really interested in so it seems very strange to me. Does this mean I'm doomed to feel miserable when have to work because of my depression? How do I get the energy every healthy person seems to have naturally? I'm the only thing holding me back from being successful I know that. But I also don't know how to get the energy needed to change that. 

I'd really appreciate some advice. Sorry for the long text I just wanted to give some context...