She  started screaming because we drank together and I told her I'd go doing  sports with a friend tomorrow morning so I wouldn't be staying for too  long. I still stayed from 2 - 11.30 pm, but since I haven't met her in a  long time, she felt like I shouldn't have made appointments for the  next day and have stayed til 3 or 4 am (or ideally have slept at hers  which I've tried to explain to her I don't want for many years since I'm  almost 28).

I feel her pain so  much. I know that she's gonna feel horrible looking at this bag of gifts  she wanted to give to me from the bottom of her heart and that I left,  as if I'd want to stick it into her face.

When  she started screaming, I just couldn't take it! Then, I'd have been the  greedy spoiled daughter. But I guess she would have felt better about  herself.

At the same time, I'm  horrified of having been like her to my ex when I was unsatisfied with  his feelings and actions. Which drives me crazy because I do want  someone to tell me they love me and he couldn't. But on the other hand,  maybe I destroyed his feelings (he says so) by being like my mom. Ahhhh.

I just feel like such trash, in her eyes, in my ex's and in mine.

What  I really want is to quit drinking and smoking that excessively, do  sports, her to be happy and me to be able to look at myself in the  mirror again.

But with all these  worlds clashing and me not knowing which one to listen to, I just feel  like disappearing. I need to do my law finals but I feel like I'm gonna  end on the street because that's  who I truly am.