It’s been years of suffering, getting worse, becoming more neurotic, hating myself, pushing people away, fighting with family, bringing down the mood for everyone, being accused of being manipulative, doubting myself so much, overreading into literally everything, postponing getting a job because all I can think about is how I’m gonna fuck up and be an odd one out at the job, jumping from extreme emotions rapidly every single day, I swear one second I can be enjoying life to the fullest then the next I can be dead inside thinking about nothing but self harm. I lost my father over a year ago, my moms been constantly irritable for a long time. She can’t go five seconds without being visibly frustrated. I’ve had it shoved in my fucking head that I’m different than everyone else and I cant fucking take it.  All I am in relationships is the guy who literally is overthinking literally everything and being super avoidant of intimacy. I come on too strong to people and scare them away. When I’m happy, they’re not. When I’m sad, they’re happy. I’m at the end of my rope here (dw I’m not considering you know what at all), the meds aren’t working, and last of all I feel nothing but emptiness 90% of the time. I also have weird dreams literally all the time and can’t even have a single enjoyable one.