It’s like I always ignore the voice in my head that I should be listening to. I am trying to be more aware and listen to it but I still ignore it 85% of the time. I say or do stupid things and am fully aware that I shouldn’t say the stupid thing but it’s really hard not to. I end up ruminating and beating myself up over these mistakes and I feel like if people knew how I actually felt they wouldn’t hate me as much. I guess my question is am I the asshole things I say if I feel like they aren’t a representation of me or are they who I am and I’m just in denial about what a jerk I am. 

I hate myself so much and I always justify my actions by thinking “I hate me more than anyone else” but this way of thinking isn’t solving any of my problems.