I've built my entire emotional stability around one person and that person isn't dependable or responsible - it seems that every major breakdown I've had over the last few years has been related to them in one way or another. Both stints in hospital have been about them. My suicide attempts have been related to them. 

In June I saw them for the first time in a year and a half and slept with them. It wasn't planned at all and I was kind of surprised because they know everything, but I thought that maybe it was going to be okay. 

And since then there's been lots of nudes and flirting and we had "Skype sex" the other night and just saying to each other how we want to see each other in person, etc etc. And I know that it's partially emotional prostitution on my side - I give him the sex and whatever and in exchange I get to feel wanted and important. 

I've struggled with friendships and relationships my entire life - people will use me for what they want and then leave without any warning and he is the only person in my entire life that has ever even made me feel worth something even though I know I'm not. And when I'm with him I feel calm and normal. 

He lives 2 hours away at the moment and it's just a bit expensive for me to get there and back so I've been trying to figure out a day that I can go there or he can come here and spend the night. 

And just tonight he's stopped responding to my messages even though he's reading them and I'm panicking so badly. I don't know if I'm overreacting, but I've been down this path before with him and it's destroyed me already. 

I would rather cut out my own heart than cut him out of my life, please don't suggest that. 

They know everything, so trying to talk with him isn't going to create any results and might make things worse. I don't want to be the crazy girl sending a billion messages when he isn't replying. 

I just know that I'm worthless and hopeless and that I can feel the end for me coming closer. I don't know if this particular instance will work out, I know that even if it does this won't be the last time I have to deal with this. I've known that this had an expiry date all along. I know how to do it properly this time. I'm just really scared and I want it all to be okay.