Long story short I have been suicidal for years. I was hospitalized this summer for an attempt and have been feeling better lately. But last night I got into a very scary place. I did not want to end my life necessarily, but I was and still am struggling to find any meaning. It’s a very nihilistic point of view, except it leaves me depressed, confused, lost, etc. which I think more nihilistic philosophers and such from my understanding still live happy lives. These existential crisis are getting worse and worse it seems like. It’s not just the “why?” In my life but the “why?” In others lives. Why all the suffering? Why does petty drama on social media matter? Why do we even exist? I understand that these are almost unanswerable, but maybe I’m asking how you find peace with this. I’m not religious, but I’m trying to be more spiritual. I am actually terrified of death now but I’m also terrified of life. This constant deep thinking makes me feel like nothing is even real.