I 21M am struggling with depression and anxiety for almost 9 years. I'm always the quiet person. Blending in. Sometimes I feel like I'm nothing. Just a body with clothes on. Conversations are hard for me. People are hard to be around...especially strangers. I always felt like I'm being judged, ridiculed and made fun of for just existing. 

School was hard for me. Being bullied took a mental toll on me. I hated the place and I wanted to see it burn. I got humiliated, gropped by teachers, older senior girls...laughing... The fucking laughing and rumors that spread like wild fire saying I was a junkie, a fucking lowlife cuz I didn't do what they wanted. They touched me and I feel sick about what happened. That is why I fucking hate when people touch me... It was all jokes to them and felt ashamed to be at that empty cold places I unfortunately had to for pre school and high school.

My senior year I had a girlfriend... I fucking hated it but I couldn't get out of it cuz I was being manipulated. Alcohol was the only way to numb the pain I had through those miserable 2 years... I would drink and pass out at her house. Just so I didn't have to deal with her. I wanted to kill myself for what happened to me in school. I wanted the pain to end for what was being said to me...

As my relationship grew worse as the girl I was with fucking hated when I talked to her about my depression... "it's not that bad", "just don't think about it anymore", "I don't know why you're so hung up on the past".... Like DO YOU EVEN FUCKING CARE!?

The thing that hurt me the most and is the reason I'm numb and cold towards people is what she said to me when I wanted to end the relationship... "your depression isn't a good enough excuse to break up with me."... I fucking broke down for months.

After that I still have the past creep up.. The meds help only for a while before I need to get higher doses. Therapy helps only for a while then I become numb again... I want to be a good person. But I can't.

I want to be happy again but I forgot how that feels. I'm completely switched off. I'm cold, numb, unsympathetic and worst of all... I'm comfortable with that.