I have recently been diagnosed with BPD, the reason I sought out this diagnosis is because I am around 6 months into a relationship, and over the past few weeks have begun acting in a way that I know is toxic and most likely emotionally abusive. I have behaved like this in relationships in the past, but never addressed the reasons for it. I feel that this current relationship could potentially be fantastic for both of us, however if my behaviour from the past few weeks continues, not only will I rightfully lose her, but I also would not be able to live with myself for treating her that way.

These things seem to happen as isolated incidents, there has been maybe 6 of these over the past few weeks, until which point I may have had some of these feelings, but never acted on them. Maybe it has taken me this long to feel comfortable enough in the relationship to do so? Maybe I am taking her for granted?

When these incidents happen I feel like I am not myself, it also so overwhelming that I feel little control over it and it is almost as if someone else's brain has been put into my head.

I made a list of everything I could think of which I have done towards my partner which I believe to be toxic. This wasnt pleasant to do but I need to own my actions and understand them if I have any chance of stopping them from happening:

\-Repeatedly making phonecalls when she doesnt want to talk / not allowing her to have space when she needs it

\-Pleading that she responds to me / making her feel guilty when she doesnt

\-Indirectly making her feel guilty or at fault for past actions when they were never intended in that way

\-Not caring about her needs at times and acting entirely selfishly 

\-Shutting down when I am feeling anxious about something, leading her to become anxious herself

\-Being jealous where there is no need

\-Bringing up issues at inappropriate times and not in a respectful manner

\-Holding on to anxieties for long periods of time without talking, and then attacking with them seemingly out of nowhere

\-Catastrophising, claiming we must need to break up after even a minor disagreement 

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Can anyone relate to any of these? I feel I am not a bad person, but these behaviours are at best toxic and neglectful and at worst abusive. 

I feel just being diagnosed and accepting these traits as problematic isnt enough, and I really need to ensure that I dont let these things happen again, or at least not directed at her in a hurtful or abusive manner.

Sorry to ramble, Im new to this and feel so committed to trying to address this. I just want to know if anyone here can relate or has any advice/strategies?