Since I can remember I have always felt "less than" everyone else, and I always seemed to have more difficulty making friends, sometimes I would pretend to be friends with people, they were nice, so I was nice to them, but I would honestly rather be left alone, but that made me feel so worthless as if I didn't deserve to have friends. I was hypersexual at a young age, but I knew that I shouldn't. I was molested, and I have always felt it was my fault (I know logically it wasn't, but the feeling is there). I couldn't imagine that a woman (Me M34) could ever have any interest in me... They ALWAYS must have had ulterior motives. I was paranoid. It got better as I got older. I went on my first date when I was 27, we worked together, she always made the first move. We went on 3 dates. We ended up in bed twice, I completely shut down both times. The day after the last date she wanted to be "only friends" I melted down. I was worthless, I didn't deserve to be loved. She was the only person I wanted to see, but it hurt me to know that she didn't feel the same way about me. We worked together for 2 more years, and spoke on the phone every night after work. it was the most toxic friendship I had experienced I felt addicted to her. She was my favorite person, without a doubt.

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Fast forward 4 years and a lot of self destructive behavior. I live somewhere else, and have managed to drink myself into heart failure. I meet a girl that is into me, and again makes the first move. We hang out a few times, but not dates per se. We obviously like each other, she is in a relationship, so nothing is persued. Her relationship ends, We go on dates. I like her. I am comfortable with her. She is my newest favorite person. She tells me she loves me. She is my new drug. I move away for health reasons. She is my first actual girlfriend, she took my virginity at 33. She Doesn't know this, because that would make her hate me for being such a fucking loser. Eventually the 3 hour drive to see each other is too much, neither one of us make enough money to afford the trip often. We spend a weekend together every 3 weeks or so, and usually one of us is working. After 6 months I feel she doesn't love me anymore. I know this feeling. I think I am being paranoid. I feel this way a lot. It's a character flaw as far as I am concerned. It makes me a bad person to feel this way, so I suppress it. She tells me that she loves me, but she doesn't feel the same way about the relationship. I spiral out of control, drinking and self harm (I hit myself, or other objects with the intention of feeling pain). She doesn't want to date, but wants me in her life. She believes she is polyamorous, but I had told her I couldn't do that in the past, so it may have worked if it was a poly relationship, but she doesn't feel bonded to me because we havent been able to spend time together. I know it's because I'm garbage. I can't imagine life without her. I do everything I can to only hurt myself and not her. We remain friends, I visit her, she has no interest in driving to me. when I see her she is still very affectionate. Kissing, cuddling, sleeping together in the nude, telling each other that we love the other, literally everything that a couple would do- besides sex, because I physically cannot. I have ED, and I know that makes me undesirable. We tried to have sex again one time, but I couldn't get it up. This has happened before, and she was always so sweet about it, and didn't make me feel bad. One time she was so sexually frustrated that she got angry and screamed about being so fucking frustrated, but she stopped herself and told me it wasn't my fault. I hate myself. I feel triggered just typing this. I want to cry and vomit and hit myself.

2 months after verbally ending the relationship, but still seeing each other, with some "reminders" that "we aren't dating" and after me supporting her through a big medical and mental health issues including driving there just to be with her for doctor appointments to make sure the things that she wanted to address get addressed (she forgets things a lot). She tells me she went on a date. I spiral harder than ever before. I thought we were working this out. But she finally feels well enough to start seeing other people. The entire time I made sure to tell her that I had not expectations in helping her, but she was giving me affection and love during, so I guess I was lying? I'm a fuck up. 

I ended up drinking myself suicidal over 3 days, calling out sick from work. I began tying up loose ends such as asking my friend to pickup my dogs, etc. I made a plan to end myself. I didn't want to die, I just couldn't life with the feelings I was feeling. I needed help. I called 911, and told them what I was feeling and I needed help. They took me to a behavioral health facility, and I was admitted and not allowed to leave. They kept me until I sobered up. It was the lowest low of my life. Before I called 911 I sent txts to my boss, my mom, my friends, my FP, telling them what is happening, and that I was going to the hospital. This was my way of making sure I actually got some help.   


I now have a lot of people giving me attention, some of which I don't want. I am ashamed. I googled some things and found BPD. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!? This fits too well. They wrote this disease about me. 

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I really think this is what is wrong with me. So my question is. What do I do now? I need a diagnosis, this or something else. have never sought mental health care. I don't like going to doctors because I either feel like they wont believe me, or they won't listen or care. What do I do? I have insurance, I don't have much money. Can anyone give me some direction?

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I have an eating disorder, substance abuse, toxic relationships, self harm, self loathing, probably other negative things I can't think of.