I'm terrible at dealing with rejection and abandonment (duh), and nothing feels worse than being IGNORED. And in the world of dating online,  ghosting, unfortunately, comes in hand in hand with meeting people online. And, it's something...that I've found to be really triggering. When I'm ignored, I'm tempted to lash out at the person, and in that moment, it's almost like...I believe that it's *okay* to lash do so? Because they're HURTING ME. Because they're being unkind to me, because...they're being 'bad' and inconsiderate of my experience. Or - they must not be interested because I'm ugly, or bad, or not their type. 

Well, I've recently realized how self-centered these cop-out justifications have been. ESPECIALLY, when I've ghosted others in the past (how hypocritical is that?!). Ironically, having self-awareness as someone with BPD, has been a blessing and a curse. In the past, I'd find myself lashing out in these situations and/or within romantic relationships, in general, when feeling abandoned/anxious/rejected. And after doing so, I'd feel terribly guilty and would beat myself about not being able to change, not being in self-control, and feeling helpless.

But, I've finally decided to stop making excuses for myself by taking ownership. I WAS ghosted by someone mid-text convo for about 1 day this week (felt like months). And I instantly noticed my thoughts - yaknow, a bunch of theories about why this happened, how this person "deserves" to be called out for being so awful and inconsiderate (urgh, it sounds so gross saying this out loud). That - if I choose to lash out, who could blame me?! I mean, this person isn't a saint! 

Obviously, these rationalizations were bullshit. Regardless of HOW I FELT, it did not justify me making presumptions or judgments about someone else's behavior. And even if THEY did reject me, I don't have the right to invalidate their choice regardless of how they did it (maturely or not). And the reality is...I *don't* know what another person is experiencing. Heck, they might be ignoring me, but...it could be that their phone fell in a toilet. It could be that I'm not their type, or that they've found someone else.

By recognizing this - I stopped myself from passively aggressively criticizing their person; I stopped myself from demanding an answer. I stopped myself from judging the situation outside the realm of observable facts. I recognized that it stemmed from a deep desire within me to control my circumstances...to stay safe and secure, even if it meant CONTROLLING how someone else behaved (something I don't have the right to). And when I realized that last tidbit, I was...disturbed. It's almost like...I'm fighting for my insecurity, at the cost of someone else. And how selfish is that? 

A day later, the guy responds to let me know he was on a flight when he dropped off mid-conversation. That made sense (considering that I knew he was on a business trip). And I instantly felt relieved for not giving in to my emotions. It was difficult and will continue to be, but - I finally...get it. Most of all, it feels nice having CONTROL for damn once! I'm responsible how I behave, regardless of how I feel.