TW self harm, body dysmorphia, starvation, sleep paralysis, sickness/overall health, doctors, blood/blood work

I’m new to the whole trigger warning thing, so sorry if I end up putting stuff up that shouldn’t be, I’m sort of winging everything as I go.

It’s gonna be long, I’ve tried twice to make it short but it’s hard getting everything in without paragraphs, so sorry.

Start of august I started feeling weird, stabbing pains all over, constantly thirsty, always tired. I took my temp and it was normal, so it started to worry me a bit; but I tried waiting it out. It didn’t work, so I finally told my mom, and she took me to the doctors. I remember the waiting room being so cold, but everyone was fine. We finally got called up and my heart started practically beating out of my chest. They took my temp, my weight, tested my blood sugar, took a Covid test, and took blood to test for mono and lyme. The guy sat there and practically drained my whole body. It was probably 30 seconds, but those seconds felt like minutes, and I could feel my arm start feeling funny. Got through it fine, felt fine, but I got up and all of a sudden, my ears started ringing LOUD, and I got really bad tunnel vision. I couldn’t even think vividly. Through the ringing I could just barely hear the doctor ask if I was ok, and he told me to sit; so I did. He came back with goldfish and the coldest water he could, and I remember barely being able to open the goldfish. It took me maybe 5-6 tries, I was so weak. Finished my water as quick as I could, everything cleared up so we headed home. Tests came back the next day, everything was perfect, yet I still didn’t feel it. Couple days past and it generally cleared up, but the anxiety still lingered, although less severe. Days passed and I started noticing the stabbing pains come back, and slowly I started realizing other things that were always there, a few to name are; constipation, feeling cold, troubles staying asleep, and literal troubles focusing, as in my eyes would randomly lose focus. So I brought it up with my mom, and she agreed to bring me again. But this time, with all these new symptoms I found it hard to explain it all; out of them all The only one I could bring myself to mention was the sleep, which is the one thing I care about the most. After getting home with a pound of papers explaining fatigue, I texted my mom telling her my issue, and she agreed to bring me to a different place tomorrow; but to make sure I told them everything. So I made a list, and we did just that. This time, once I handed the doctor my list, I had no issues at all explaining everything. He talked me through what could be going on, what they were, and how we could go about it. The things he mentioned that I remember are hypothyroidism and rheumatoid, which scared the shit out of me. He took blood and urine, and sent me on my way. Results came back 2 weeks later, majority was fine, and the things that weren’t were not to worry about, and he explained why. 
I just want to say; for such little amount of blood, I was surprised he could get 4 pages worth of tests out. Took way less than the other office and I didn’t almost collapse from it that time.
He prescribed me 3mg melatonin, and we headed home. I sat in the car flipping through the pages, and just kind of felt shitty; I felt like I’ve convinced myself that I’m not fine, and manipulated my family into doing all this. Still, the anxiety lingered, and even though that was all at the start of this month, I still don’t feel completely fine. I’m still constantly anxious, and I’d have more to type about but I’ve already gone on for so long I forgot how everything happened after that. But the one thing I can remember, recently, I’ve been noticing how much weight I’ve been losing, since they took my weight at all 3 visits. In pounds, maybe a month before my first visit I weighed 140, then the first visit I weighed 134, 2nd was 124, 3rd was 124. I weighed myself this morning and I weigh 122.5. So I mentioned this to someone I’ve been talking to about my mental health, and they said That wasn’t ok, and I needed to start eating more. I was always fat as a kid, and seeing the fact I weighed 124 made me happy, but I still feel… fat. I still think I am fat, I still have quite a bit of fat on my lower belly, around my waist and legs, and I’m not sure how to explain but I still struggle a bit with exercise. So being told repeatedly that I need to gain weight, after trying my heart out exercising and starving myself, pissed me off. It pissed me off BAD. I wouldn’t even say pissed, I was raging; steam coming out of my ears mad. I’ve tried my whole life to be the best person I could after I was such a horrible child, so being that mad kind of scared me, and made me depressed. I had these 3 emotions running through my head, right before bed. So I was angry, scared, sad, and tired. I couldn’t get to bed, I was up til probably 2am. The entire time, I tried thinking of ways to calm down, and ultimately the best decision was to well… cut myself. I never did, but it seemed like the only option. And that scared me even more. I started bawling my eyes out, I wanted to so bad, but I was scared it wouldn’t heal fast (I usually heal slower than normal, I don’t care for my wounds very well), and scared people would see. I finally ended up falling asleep, but sleeping with those emotions running through my head fucked up my dreams. One of my reoccurring nightmares came back after months of not having any at all, and sleep paralysis followed with it. One of the nightmares I always had was sleep inception, where I’d wake up in the dream and feel like I’ve woken up, I’ll be physically conscious and think to myself, just to be quickly scared by something then genuinely wake up. But this time, I can’t even count how many times I woke up in the dream, and it felt like I was awake and dreaming. I kind of remember seeing my closet and my wall but dreaming at the same time, I also felt like I was hanging off my bed. It was so weird, but my entire upper body was numb until I snapped out of it. That happened 4 days ago, and even after all that, the sickness, the multiple doctor visits, all the tests, I just feel like I’ve been lying to everyone, including myself. I don’t know what to do, everyone urges me to get help, but I feel like I made it all up, and it’s hard getting in touch with a professional who could help, and even then I feel like I don’t want help, I feel like these thoughts comfort me… which sucks, because I know I’d be better if I got help, but I just can’t. I can feel my depression coming back because of all of this, and I’m starting to notice signs of BPD like I did those years ago when I was genuinely depressed. I’m lost in my own body, unable to console myself, unable to trust my own thoughts.