Anyone feel like their life was taken away so early?

When I was 5 I knew something was different about me. Didn’t really know what that was, but I always said “I want to be a girl” since I was born a “boy”. 

And when I was 19 I got my wish, so to speak. I was in my freshman year of university and I was absolutely miserable, in fact I really wanted to die. So, I dropped out via medical leave for depression and came back home to my moms. All I could feel and do was nothing. I just wanted life to be over. I went on Reddit and found a sub called asktransgender and someone helped me get in contact with this trans clinic near me. So I made an appointment and I went. I was absolutely terrified. The thought that people, including the doctor, knew I was looking to get hormones terrified me for some reason. I got my hormones by informed consent and honestly that first week was so magical. Felt like I was on some muscle relaxant drugs or something. 

Fast forward to me almost turning 25 this month and while the hormones are great I really, really need more. I need full body laser hair removal, genital reconstruction surgery, and possibly facial feminization surgery. But honestly I feel like I’ll never get this stuff. Insurance doesn’t cover anything. I heard grs and ffs CAN be covered, but you have to jump through so many hoops and that’s something I really don’t have energy for. I can’t even clean my room. Trying to clean it today cause I’m feeling like I have to turn a new leaf, but I just feel like my problems aren’t fixable.

Back to my childhood, I grew up in a really toxic home and I think that’s one of the reasons I’m fucked up. Not really sure when it started, but maybe since 2nd grade? I know it got really bad when I was in 3rd-5th grade. My parents would always yell at each other and I’d go to sleep with my ears ringing or them screaming. My dad was an abusive alcoholic from what I could gather from my memories. I remember one day I was doing my homework with my cat and he comes behind me and asks what I’m doing, I reply “I’m just doing my homework with my cat” and he slaps me and tells me to do my homework and leaves. I stopped doing my homework after that and I went to my room to cry. Ugh, the irony..

I was also badly bullied. I remember grades 3-5 being extra awful. I don’t really know why I was the one they loved to pick on. Maybe because I was the white kid? Was I ugly? Was I dumb? I don’t really understand, but I do know what they’ve done hurts me still to this day. Maybe I wasn’t cool. Maybe I was a jerk. I don’t know. But it’s shaped me my whole life. I remember in 5th grade I told them I wasn’t going to be there with them in 6th grade since I was moving school and they all cheered. I’ve always felt so worthless. I always shut up and never really spoke much. As of today I don’t think my social skills are any good. I was hanging out with a friend yesterday, we were getting high and I just kinda sat there. Just nodding off from the weed. Yeah I know I was high, but I don’t think I’m good at talking. Or maybe I’m too hard on myself idk.

So with the home and school issues I just escaped my whole life. I would go to school and come back home and binge eat, play video games, cry, and sleep. I became suicidal by the time I was 9 or something around there. 8-10yo was when it started getting real bad. 5th grade was awful. They would call me fag(got), bitch, dumb, gay, etc. I started cutting my wrists. I even scratched myself in class. I remember I would befriend this kid Angel and we would just talk about music and share what bands we listen to. It was really cool. We listened to stuff like atreyu, mcr, Silverstein, Hawthorne heights, mudvayne, etc. But then we got grouped up for some games and he was with me along with like 3 other kids and they started making fun of me and he joined them. I said I thought we were friends and he said he didn’t want to be made fun of either. I understood that. But I still felt bad. I felt really bad and so we were no longer friends.

And the teachers always thought I was a “trouble maker”. I remember in 3rd grade this girl would cut herself and tell the teacher that it was me. Obviously it wasn’t me, but it didn’t matter. I was punished and sent to detention. 

I never felt like anyone ever had my back. And I never felt like life was good. The only time life was good was when I escaped into video games. And honestly that’s sad. My parents would always make remarks like “why are you not outgoing” or something along those lines. I could never tell them the actual reason or they’d get mad. Like what you want me to tell you the reason I’m not outgoing is because you’re a shitty ass parent that fights with the person you got married with? That all that time you guys spent fighting was time not spent on your kids? That I’m getting bullied in school? Would you even care? Because you certainly don’t care about your kid getting slapped in the face by my dad and you two yelling all the fucking time.

Even today... I tried to tell my mom stuff like how my brother, my cousin, etc put his penis inside me once. She didn’t care. Said I’m lying. I told her how I’m a woman, her daughter, and that I want to be respected as such. She doesn’t fucking care and still calls me her son and it drives me crazy. I became homeless because she said wouldn’t want me in the house if I’m a woman - so I left for a year. I came back and she would get upset if I tried to make her feel bad for making me homeless because according to her I left by myself I wasn’t “kicked out”. Like cmon man I can never fucking talk to you about anything I can’t even fucking joke with you. Interactions between her and I is just awkward.

I feel so dead inside. I feel like I’ve been dead since I was 9. Everyday I tell myself my biggest regret was not killing myself when I was young. Life hasn’t been great after 5th grade.

Bullied, but still better than before - 6th grade

Not really bullied, but not really acknowledged either - 7-8th grade

Just a loner who gets along with everyone, but doesn’t really feel like I have any friends out of school and still play on my computer all day to escape my life - HS

A loner trying and failing to make friends and getting suicidal again - college

A loner who fell in love with her bf, but in the end he left her because she’s too clingy, depressed, and stupid. And she’s sick all the time and now IBS-C has taken over her life and has roids/fissures so I can’t have anal. And no vagina cause I’m a stupid, broke, diseased tranny  - post college

Yeah that’s basically my life.

I was planning on cleaning my room today. Like every other day I said that. But what’s the point? It gets clean and then it’s going to get messy again because the problem isn’t the floor the problem is me. I’m never going to have the childhood I wanted. Hell I’m not ever going to have a good childhood. And it will never be a girls childhood. I blame my parents for having kids when they clearly weren’t ready for kids. I was always the trophy and not the kid. Always felt like I existed to make my mom feel better and not because she actually wanted kids. She never really put any effort in me. Sure we’d go to the park and I’d play there, but cmon that’s so basic. Why didn’t you teach me how to take care of myself? Skincare? Haircare? Teach me art? Teach me guitar? Anything! Why did you let me eat so much fucking food? I was fat as fuck. Why did you let me eat so much fucking candy and chips? I don’t feel like she really cared about me. Looking back if I was the mother I would make sure my child eats a healthy meal every day, I’d schedule my child’s day with art, music, science, and invite friends over so my child can socialize and play with others. I’d make sure my child brushed and flossed their teeth every day and if my child EVER gets a cavity at the dentist then it means I MESSED UP and I will not blame my child in the future “yeah well it’s your fault why didn’t you brush your teeth?!” Ugh. I literally told my mom my cavities are from the lack of her presence as my parent. I had this tooth that needed a root canal. The same tooth that had a crown since I was like, what, 7 years old or something? I’m in my fucking 20s and you can see how these things catch up. 

Every day I wish I had better parents. She’s fucking talking right now in the other room and it’s just fucking triggering me. Her voice, the music she listens to, everything just fucking triggers me. I hate being in this house with her. But I don’t have a choice as I can’t work. And rent is wayyyyyy too expensive.

I don’t understand why people have kids, but don’t want to be parents. It’s like I was a pet. 

I can’t ever release the pain I have. Because she will not accept any responsibility on her part. And if she does it’s always some half-ass apology. 

Man I’m almost 25 by the end of this month. I feel like those 25 years just flew away. And now I’ve already lived 1/3 of my life, that should of been the best years of my life, and now I’m supposed to live the other 2/3rds? I can’t even get up off my bed half the time. I need surgery, but no one wants to give it to me. I need therapy sure but after I had surgery. I can’t get better if I don’t get surgery. I need a fucking vagina. My dysphoria is killing me. And no one wants to believe me. It’s literally, physically killing me. I always have trouble looking at little girls in movies or real life. I get so jealous of their beautiful hair and their girl childhood. I’ve always wanted to have some girl friends over like a slumber party, do our makeup, and stuff like that. I’ve always wanted someone to hangout a lot with.

Idk..

Idk what to write anymore. Or do. I just want to die.

Feels like the only thing left for me to do is to decide whether I want to die with a bang or die fading away. Do I make some music bangers and then die? Or do I just die by hanging myself? How could I even top what’s already out there though? Juice WRLD did what I wanted to do. If I wanted to do that I’d just be a copy cat. Or is that where invention comes in? Since nothings original? Idk. 27 club looking real good ngl. That’s actually a song he has too though. What a great fucking song. Everything I write is either shitty, or too dark, or just copying what juice said/did. How can I be original when someone else has gone thru some of the things I had and wrote it before me? Idk.

Ima go cry n fall asleep or something idk.. pls talk to me I’m really lonely.