I (27M) have done some absolutely, 100% unforgivable things to my ex gf (25F). We were together for almost 4 years which is by far my longest relationship. It went exactly how you would expect a BPD relationship to go. Just a complete toxic rollercoaster. I was verbally abusive and eventually physically abusive when I got into some hard drugs. I never in a million years thought I would put my hands on someone, and I did. I feel like it is completely unforgivable, yet she still stayed with me. There was always tension. Something lingering beneath the surface, and I could sense it in her that she hadn't truly gotten past the things that happened, but she still wanted me. The last time we broke up we mutually agreed we needed time apart to heal. I've been holding on to hope that eventually we could be together again once we are healthier. It's the only thought that's kept me going since the breakup. I'm scared she will never want me again because, why would she? I don't know how to forgive myself. I'm not sure if I ever will.