once a loser always a loser ( not all cases ) but me yes . why did i ever think i could change what others thought . yeah i “ made it “ but all i feel is “ people know the past and dont care how cool i was in 2014 and nothing matters anymore “ i cant even show my face it is embarrassing , painful and i fear one day i will run into my ex who lives like 2 - 5 min away and i will have to explain what happened. i can reverse things but it takes patience. im afraid if i put my heart and energy into bettering myself again im just gonna make a fool of myself and it will be for nothing and a waste of time . i keep thinking maybe one day i will panic so bad the anxiety cycle will just cause me to starve and ill look like a rockstar again and within a month i can pretend nothing ever happened. i know i was never really … over weight i just thought i was and it was a bunch of events leading to me thinking “ my life is perfect im a new man “ but i really did gain 15lb and when i saw the scale my face flushed and my stomach dropped and i felt unbearable shame to the point i needed to leave the room so no one would notice when i felt insecure  . all my identify is in my appearance, and weight without it im no one