I've mainly used isolation to cope. After my first time in therapy my conclusion was that I am not meant to socialize due to the pain it inflicts in me and I've ended up withdrawing from everyone. I've just cut all ties.

Most people didn't make any effort either to reach out to me or I have brushed them off once and been left alone forever since.  Basically I have ghosted and been ghosted by everyone. And it's a constant pattern in my life, it has happened a few times. I usually can cope with it but I really hate myself for when I do it to my FPs because I probably may be hurting people a lot. :(

Fast forward I got so depressed from actual loneliness (i. e. I enjoy being alone but having zero social interaction makes my life feel not worth living) that I have decided to give it another go. And this time I'm taking more care to consider my ressources and take it a bit slower. Knowing that socializing can be destabilizing helps in my considerations.

Tl;dr  
Now I am trying to make friends again. And it feels antiethical to do so after what I have done. I don't know if I should reach out to past best friends from a few years ago. Or if I should try talking to friends I have ghosted a year ago again. I am currently spending a lot of time with a past fp (heeelp) and feeling so good. But idk I don't want to hurt people anymore. Part of me feels like it's better to start all over and meet new people and have the others remember me as what I did to them and not get hurt again and again because maybe there was an actual reason our friendships did not work out. But then again I am overwhelmed at the idea because I don't even know where to start looking for friends.