My mood swings can sometimes be so severe that one moment, I am content with where I am in life and then 30 seconds later, I find myself spiraling down a dark hole of regret and it feels like the walls of the hole are lined with glass shards and written on each glass shard is something I could've done differently. 

I'm 22 years old and it truly seems like the only thing that helps me feel decent enough to even function or deal with myself is drinking alcohol. 
When I drink, I feel like everything is ok.
I typically listen to music when I am drinking so I can just vibe and enjoy it but lately, I've noticed that the feeling I actually want to feel when I am drunk is right outside of arms reach... just by centimeters but every night after 12AM, I find myself trying to reach further and further and it is so exhausting but at this point, it feels like that's all that'll help me even feel close to what I truly want to feel. 

I know it isn't good for me but I am tired.