Yo. I have never been diagnosed with BPD, but I feel like everything fits so well that I can't find any other explanation. Since my mid teens I've felt detached from most people. When I do find someone that I can relate to, I start obsessing over them right away, constantly thinking about them, only focusing on the good aspects and blocking out any warning signs that I might see or feel. And if I do get close to someone, I panic, and destroy everything I've built up in any way that I can. I can't count how many relationships I've incinerated in a matter of minutes. Then oddly, when the dust settles and I am truly alone again, I feel calm.

Most times I just go about my life with a feeling of tremendous emptiness, as if I'm a ghost walking amongst the living. I see people talk to each other, laugh amongst themselves, and everything else normal people do, and I just wish I could have that. I can talk to almost anyone, I can pretend to relate to people and laugh at their jokes, and even joke back, but it's all a game in my head. I never feel "connected", and my personality switches based on who I talk to. I think it's because I have no real sense of identity, so I just project whatever I think the other person wants to hear / see. It's exhausting. The worst part is that it doesn't even work, people don't want to talk to a clone of themselves, they want someone unique, someone with their own thoughts and opinions.

I work out a lot, and I'm never happy with my body. I feel like it's the only thing I have that someone else could want, as superficial as that sounds. If it was just my personality, and what's inside my head, I don't understand how anyone could possibly be attracted to that. Even when I do get physically involved with someone, I panic, and I can't even enjoy it. 

I'm just so mentally fatigued all the time, and thinking about it just makes it worse. It's exhausting hating people for no reason. It's exhausting loving someone for no reason. There's no nuance in my head, it's either all or nothing, and those rare times that I do get it "all", I panic, and tear everything down. And then oddly, I feel calm again.