Lord. 

This is a vent mostly. I'm pissed at myself, I'm pissed at her. 

I have BPD. She has BPD. I am 15 years deeper in recovery than her, have learned not to blame people for my reactions and personalize them, have learned to handle my intrusive negativity and thoughts for the most part, have learned not to lash out at random. But I still you know can get ungrounded and have episodes and have the full adrenaline rush into irrational fixation on a flawed thought due to emotion issue and tend to have to self isolate until I come down. 

She's the full set. Severe or extreme on all of the symptoms of BPD. Not in active recovery yet. 

Still tried to date her. Cause I'm fucking stupid and my big old heart and stupid fucking savior complex told me "BE THE ONE WHO WILL NEVER ABANDON HER!"

It was a mess. Me trying to get her out of dissociation, her lashing out at me constantly over things like her jealousy and insecurity while I try in vain to ground her. 

We broke up several times over the last month culminating in a no contact agreement. I told her not to contact me unless she had taken some time to think things through and wanted to like work on us, or if she was in active crisis and needed non romantic emergency support. 

She contacted me in crisis. I ended up on a call with her. She told me she wanted to work on it and fix it and said all the things I asked her to say to give me hope. 

Then she told me I'd been manipulating her. 

She went through a guilt trip that I cannot relate to. Guilt was the weapon her narc parent used to fuck with her. Fear was mine. I don't have a guilt complex like at all. I have fear complexes. I wouldn't use guilt to manipulate someone because guilt does not make sense to me in an irrational way. I feel guilty for something when I fuck up or do something wrong. I fix it and move on and I don't feel guilty any more unless I really fucked up bad and like it's something I need to remember to not do again, not a pure accident that's easy to remedy. 

She is convinced I have been guilt tripping her our entire relationship because she has BPD guilt irrational reactions due to her abuse in response to things I say and thinks I have been drawing these guilt reactions out of her intentionally. 

We are now back to full no contact because I could not convince her that I was not making her feel guilty on purpose. 

The same. Goddamn. Pattern. The same stupid pattern in very stupid article about our mental illness. 

What do BPD people do? We react to things and we blame them on others and say "you made me feel this!" and she's taking it a step further to "You made me feel this to get something out of me" when I was in fact completely ignorant about the emotional reactions she was dealing with because I don't share them and could not intuit them at all. 

Four and a half months of my fucking life wasted on this stupidity and I still fucking miss her because when she's not fucked up our energy exists in the same room like it belong together. 

And me still being the same stupid idiot chasing moments of connection with someone too fucked up to sustain a relationship. 

I promise, I am learning that lesson as we speak. There will be no more savior complex bullshit in my life, no more accepting abuse because i love someone, no more sacrificing my needs for another person because they genuinely do need it it's not like anyone I've done it for has ever actually fully appreciated it. 

I needed to get this off my chest. Feedback, especially in any kind of empathy direction, would be appreciated.