So yeah whatever I have BPD, but first and foremost I'm a girl who is attracted to men and I have many girl friends who share the same desires in the initial stages of dating as I do, meaning the very first stages. It's afterwards that my BPD comes into play but for the beginning, I'm really just an average girl. I have dated quite a few men from all different walks of life...different nationalities, ages, backgrounds...all different! Here are some of the top tips I can offer any guys here who wish to just attract a girl at first but have BPD holding them back.

1. Remember, you are not your BPD. Don't go into a bar and think 'oh I wish I could attract that girl over there but alas, I have BPD and she would probably never like me so nevermind, back to drinking with my friends' No! You should not assume what that girl would or would not like, you must give her the benefit of the doubt and not just type cast her before even meeting her. Just as much as you shouldn't let your physical appearance hold you back, you shouldn't let you mental health issues hold you back at this moment because all you want to do right now is just meet her and BPD can go fuck itself right now because you want to meet this woman and nothing should stop you from doing that. Meeting and chatting to people is normal, and if she's at a bar, dressed up, having a drink with her girl friend...then she's very very likely to be there to meet people too. She is 90% wanting what you want, which is a flirty-friendly conversation with a person of the opposite sex and the little ego boost and laughter that all humans desire. 


2. Approach with confidence. Approaching with confidence is the only way to approach a woman. Approaching with zero confidence is just not efficient and if you find yourself dwindling in confidence as you make those steps towards her, just change course. Fake confidence if you have to, just take on the confidence of the kind of guy you wish you were, or want to be. Walk with your head up, eyes forward, you don't need to smile, you just need to be relaxed and at ease. She's a woman, not a shark. She's also a stranger and her opinion of you after the night really doesn't have to mean anything because she doesn't know you, but I'm sure you'd like her to have a good opinion of you anyway! Have something in mind that you're ready to say, just something quick, witty if possible, but if not, just something that you can open with. 'Hello' by itself can be all right if you have a follow up, or you can start with 'I couldn't help but notice you from over there, I'm Sam, it's nice to meet you'. That's actually a good line. It's a subtle compliment and an introduction...confidence! It's a lot better to say your name in the first line to get it out of the way and you can get hers. Usually the response will be 'haha, I'm Tara'. Then if she has a friend, you shake the friend's hand and say 'nice to meet you as well' but don't shake the hand of the girl you're approaching because that's too formal. But shaking the hand of her friend will allow her friend to warm up to you too, eliminating jealousy. Then you can say the usual 'do you come here often?' 'do you enjoy this music?' 'do you come for the beer or the cocktails?' 'do you come to poke a bit of fun of the clientele' (the last one is good if there are a lot of drunk rowdy men around, like football lads...and if you are one of them, it shows you have self awareness and a bit of a sense of humour about yourself). Or just comment a bit about what's going on and then go into the questions of where she's from, what she's into, why she's out for the night...usual stuff. 


3. Get out quite quickly,just leave her with a compliment on her dress (not her eyes or hair or anything physical, she chose her dress, she didn't choose her face, so you want to compliment her on her taste). A brief encounter to begin with is fine and will leave her wondering about you, instead of lingering too long and allowing her to get distracted. When people are out, they tend to get easily distracted by their environment. You could be doing well but then someone might accidentally push into her, or a song she loves could come on, and her focus will be off you. So it's good to leave while she's still focused! 

4. Return to your friends to re cooperate but don't look back at her straight away or anything. You don't want to (a) get jealous or worried if she makes a weird face to her friend or walks away suddenly and (b) be too intense and make her feel a little uneasy at having too much attention on her all at once. 

5. About 20 minutes later, find her in the crowd and then approach again but this time with your friend so that your friend can potentially start conversation with her friend(s) and you can start a real conversation with her. If you have money, you can buy her a drink. One thing you don't need to worry about is rejection because girls don't reject as often as guys believe and when they reject, they'll find an excuse to leave and then you just politely accept the excuse and allow her to leave. If she doesn't find an excuse to leave, then she isn't rejecting you. However, you must also not overwhelm her too much by talking about yourself. In fact, it's much better to allow her to do the talking, and better for you and your anxiety! Also, if she is with some friends and you have a friend there, that's so much better! Because you can actually move focus from the original girl back to your friend who will hopefully be talking to her friends and you can talk to her friends too and basically all talk together if that makes sense so that it's not an intense encounter where you're feeling worried or the girl is feeling worried and instead it's just a light encounter with her and her friends and your friends and hopefully you all hit it off! 

6. Know when to leave. No matter how much a girl may or may not be attracted to you, she will not want to spend the whole night talking to you *regardless* . She came out to meet people, but also to be with her friend and get a bit tipsy. She doesn't want to spend 1-2 hours just chatting with a guy. She would prefer to spend in the course of the night about 20 minutes in total chatting to a new guy. So like 3 minutes in your first encounter, about 15 in your second. That's actually a long time! But 20 minutes is definitely enough and if you feel like you're going over a certain amount of time and the conversation is dwindling, that's the time to finish your drink and leave with your friend...either to another bar or home. Or if things are going amazingly well, you could invite the girl and her friends with you and your friend to the next bar or if you have alcohol at your house, to your house. If your invitation is refused- it's not a rejection of you at all and that's when you take the girl's number and be on your way!

The main gist of this is that if you have problems with feeling anxiety or rejection very easily and especially in a first encounter, you really want to just fake confidence, put your best foot forward, be in and out quite fast and efficiently. You don't want to linger around, even if the conversation is going well and definitely if it's not and you're running out of things to say! Just approaching twice, once by yourself and the second time with a friend, and staying for a short amount of time and not putting all your focus just on the girl but giving some to her friends to ease the tension and create mystery, is really the best approach and I'm sure any girl will agree!

Remember- unless a girl makes an excuse to leave a situation, she is not formally rejecting you, but don't allow yourself to be rejected by prolonging a conversation or having a conversation if you're anxious. If you feel any negative emotion come up inside of you, that's the time to make *your* excuse to leave and just re-energize and then try again. Limit your approach to twice though and no more or it comes off as stalkerish... If you have money to buy her a drink on the second approach, then great, but don't worry too much if you don't. 

Allow her to do most of the talking but ask questions if you're anxious. If you can make her laugh, excellent, if you're not naturally funny, play on other things, like your intellect or your good listening skills and curiosity. Girls are not as mean and as bitchy as we're made out to be. Most girls will enjoy being approached, especially if the approach is confident and not done when you're blind drunk...ew. Being relaxed is great and if you have a friend for the second encounter (not the first, that's not confident) then you can also lean on him a little for that extra support and I'm sure he'd be happy to oblige ! 

So no biggie really :) If you do get shot down, it's probably for lots of other reasons that aren't you...like she's in love with someone, or she hates men right now because her ex cheated on her, or she's a racist...whatever, but not because of you because she doesn't even know you yet ! 
