Part rant. Part advice. 

I’ve been in therapy for the last couple of months after years of unsuccessfully doing it by myself. Without getting too much into it, my regular therapist wants me to talk to a psychiatrist about my mood swings. Bipolar disorder has been on the table for a possible diagnosis, as well as CPTSD/PTSD. 

We’ve been discussing a lot of my family relationships and father abandonment. My dad was a narcissist and I was definitely scapegoated. When I feel, I feel it deep. I’m not just happy, I’m on top of the world. When I’m sad I’m empty and dead inside. When I’m mad I rage, break things, cuss, lash out only to cry like a baby. I feel all these things in the matter of hours. Anytime I feel slighted, I have to get even, or I get consumed by rage and then guilt for even letting it happen. 

I want to bring up BPD as a possibility. I don’t want to get into all my stuff on here yet (trust me, I can relate to this subreddit a lot which is both scary and confirming). I’m just, I’m just so afraid of a lot of things.  I wonder if I’m overreacting again. I don’t want them to think I’m one of those TikTok people who think it’s “quirky” to even possibly have this. I legit feel like I get torn apart at the slightest provocation. A guy at the gym was short with me and I raged and stewed about it for hours. I get into fights with my husband and it’s the end of the world. 

Phew.