Sorry about the rant that's about to happen but yeah the title basically says it. I told myself I wasn't gonna get upset about this but honestly I am so angry, I don't even have a self, how can I be a narcissist? He said I don't consider the feelings of others but I DO, I just consider them sort of algorithmically in the context of the next best move in the chess game that is any given social situation. Maybe he meant that treating relationships like games was narcissistic? Anyway he said it's common with BPD and that I don't actually have NPD or anything but I don't like thinking of myself as a narcissist. I hate myself and I don't exist. isn't that the opposite of being a narcissist?

Oh and then I was explaining how I think there should be equal social exchange so like if someone refuses to do something for me that I'd do for them in a heartbeat, I'm allowed to get mad because it's not an unfair expectation. And he frowned as if that was flat-out wrong or like I said something wrong? Which makes me really upset because I base most of my life off of my social ledger. I always want others in the red and me in the black.

Anyone else experience either of these two things? (Not the pdoc situations, but the conflicts with "narcissism" and the social tallying/equality thing.) Idk he just made me feel like I was nuts. OH and he said I liked my sickness because it was all the identity I'd had since I was young and it made me feel special. Idk I feel special when I'm dissociating sometimes or expertly manipulating a situation but mostly I feel like shit. Any similar experiences there?

Ok I'm done. Long day. I accidentally didn't sleep last night.