TW: Descriptions of disordered eating behaviors, being suicidal 

I’m not diagnosed with anything because I’d rather not be pressured into taking pills, but since I was 12 I’ve struggled with depressive episodes. I ended up self harming on and off until this March. Ugh I can’t believe how recent that is. 

I also had pretty bad social anxiety starting around age 12-13 as well that I’m STILL working on at age 20. I don’t consider myself a socially anxious person anymore though. 

I thought my only issue now was depression, but the other day I finally came to terms with the fact that I have some mad disordered thoughts and behaviors around food. I used to restrict calories and then eat them all back because I was starving. I finally reached the lowest weight I’d ever been at... after starving myself for a week, and all this time I was running track and cross country (this was high school). There were days I’d eat only 1000 calories. 

My senior year of high school, I came very close to taking my life and I don’t think I’d be here today if circumstances had been different. I also think that my starving myself could have taken a toll on my mental health and contributed to my suicidal episode. I thought about dying every day for about 2 months straight, dude. All day, every day. All I wanted was to lay down and die and be done with it all. 

I find great comfort in counting out my calories and amount of food, and I have to resist falling back into those habits. I thought I was done with my food issues, but all this time I’ve had the same obsessive thoughts and it’s become my normal, so I never noticed that it wasn’t healthy. 

I probably have some low level anxiety problems too given that I get worked up over nothing and will spiral into an anxious episode at random, and be stuck worrying about dying or loved ones dying or my getting cancer or losing my job or my friends etc etc etc on and on. 

I’m going to bring this up with my therapist when I see her. I just don’t know what to think anymore. Do I really have all these problems or is it all in my head? It’s good to admit that I have multiple issues instead of being in denial, like I have for so long. I’m one step closer to improving my health. It’s scary though. 

Thanks for reading this vent lol I hope someone can relate or has a similar experience.