Although I’ve been in the doldrums, I went on a date with a guy who seemed great before meeting. I didn’t really feel anything in person but I still slept with him and might keep him around as a fuck buddy. I drank a lot but he didn’t seem to mind, making me wonder about his motives.

I thought that he would be a good distraction but I got home this afternoon and it’s worse or right back to where I was. I need this constant influx of attention or I have to feel the nothing that I am. I am talking to someone online. He lives half a world away. It’s not *like that* but I do enjoy talking to him and I’m wondering if it’s keeping me from really meeting someone. Also I don’t even know that I want to really date someone right now which might be why I choose to interact with someone so far away where there’s no sign or romantic interest.

Most of my friends are married by now. Plus I feel we’ve mostly changed through the years. 

I feel pretty utterly hopeless. I have dates lined up for the week but I’m getting cold feet and think I want to cancel them for people just looking for sex. I was in this place last year and truly thought I had overcome it.

I can’t focus on anything. I feel so fucked. I started gaining weight last week, as I enter another depressive phase. I really miss the mania even if reflecting on it I can see how fragile and superficial it is. 

I don’t know what I want any more. I’m in my early 30s. It’s just all so hard. I used to be really smart and have potential. People thought I’d be something. I can tell the people around me have all given up on believing that. The only person I really have is my therapist. I do have one friend too I connect with and value but we each have phases of not wanting to connect to anyone.

There was a guy who was really nasty to me last year toward the end of being my fuck buddy (I ended it with him because he really just began showing me that all he cared about was the sex and I feel we got a lot of our dislike for each other in bed) but it was really good sex and he tried contacting me in the beginning of this and I essentially told him to fuck off (I was a little nicer about it since he filmed us having sex and in case he didn’t distribute it I wanted to keep it that way). 

In college and my mid 20s I was in serious relationships where I wasn’t able to do all this stuff (for better or worse?) and now I feel like I’m behaving like people so much younger than me and it’s so pathetic. I will probably be unattractive in some years (unless I change something I start working) as then I won’t even have the opportunity for sexual attention (I like sexual attention a lot because of how primal it is and the lack of thinking in the moment etc). Right now I’d like to lose 15-20lbs. Honestly if I was skinnier I’d probably be even more promiscuous than I am but I have received lots of negative feedback about my weight with guys I slept with (“I really like your face but I’m used to smaller girls” and “I usually prefer girls who are skinnier, I can’t change what my preferences were before I met you.  but there must be something about you, I’m really attracted to you”). But I have nooooo self control and mock those who do. I’m pretty anti establishment and don’t want to do anything everyone else believes they are supposed to. I’m really never gonna grow up am I.There’s a caveat to the sex in that I do eventually begin to develop emotions which is why it’s good for me to see a few people at a time. That really scares me and I should work out just for that right? 

I’m pretty sure my therapist is into me in more than just a patient way but he’s too professional to act on it or even let it leak out in a creepy way.  It’s so sad that he’s the only person who seems to see the value in me (I feel like he loves me in the accepts me as I am way). I definitely have an attachment to him but it has either shifted or declined now that it’s teletherapy for covid.

Also I’m a (covert) narcissist as so the attention I was getting just from like basic daily interactions existing in the world are gone and I need a new way to get it. I sometimes sex chat with guys but the ones who live close sort of freak me out in their urgency to meet I guess. Last year I fell for someone online and the first few weeks were some weird extension of that fantasy but it quickly become really clear that it was all fucked up. Guys sometimes think they really want me. It doesn’t take long for them to see how wrong they are. I think this is why I really like guys who are ambivalent towards me instead.