I am entering a mixed episode for the first time in my life (20nb; cyclothymic) and it feels like I am experiencing every emotion at 150% all the time.

Last night my best friend and semi-romantic partner (20F; also bipolar) was comforting me during an anxiety attack, and I confessed my worst fears when it came to her and our relationship. I suggested dialing back our relationship (which non-anxious me does NOT want). It really affected her, but she tried to play it off. I immediately began panicking as she put up emotional walls around herself. The whole interaction was a mess. She won't talk to me about her feelings now and deflects any and all forms of affection or care.

She has lots of self-destructive tendencies, especially when she enters a depressive episode. I don't know what to do, but my emotions are bouncing between anger, mania, anxiety, and depression and I feel literal pain from it. We agreed to talk about boundaries tonight, but I don't want to hurt her anymore.

Context: she has been my best friend for nearly two years now, we connected and related to each other's mental health and traumas. We helped each other heal the wounds our parents gave us. We would both be dead if we didn't meet each other. It's killing me that she's cutting me out, she hasn't been like this since we first met.

I don't know what to do