I’m sorry if this post is triggering to anyone.  I have been clinically depressed for many years, with a concurrent diagnosis of PTSD from working in emergency medicine.  I am tired of this life.  I am 35, single, have a relatively good career, have a dying mother (who abused me all my life starting in childhood), an angry and selfish father, and next to no real friends.  The times I am off work I don’t even have the motivation to shower or brush my teeth, I just lay on the couch all day.  I decline invites to go out with colleagues because I have gotten to the point where nothing seems like it’s worth it.  I have completely lost the will to live; I am becoming reckless with my life, I see patients die and almost envy the peace on their faces as their heart stops.  I know I won’t go check into psych, all I ask is that you please don’t suggest that.  I don’t see the world as a good place, there is so much pain and suffering and it hurts my heart knowing and seeing this.  I just want to be done, I want this nightmare to be over.  Every time I wake up I get a lump in my throat that I’m still here.  I know it would be easy to go peacefully with an overdose of an opiate or benzodiazepine.  I am 90% there and the other 10% of me worries about the mess, both physically and emotionally, I’ll leave behind.  I feel like a failure, that I’ll never find a healthy love, have a family, build a home with someone, be happy.  I hate who I am and I hate how awful I’ve let my life get.  I just feel trapped in this darkness and it’s getting worse every day.  I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to stay alive.