I am so so so heartbroken! Oh my God. 

I was with someone for a year and a half. We became codependent, but, at the beginning, we managed that with our respective tools and created a fun, dynamic relationship. He was my best friend, my travel companion, and, I thought, the love of my life. We talked about the future and having kids. 

We ended up going through a LOT together. I moved into his house at the start of the pandemic, we evacuated during forest fires that threatened his house, we went on trips to Reno and the Grand Canyon... I felt so, so bonded to him. Like a never before bond--the relationships I had before him were drenched with delusion because I didn't know about my borderline personality. I got my diagnosis for BPD 6 months before I met him and was getting help for it--so, it felt liberating in a way that I could be honest about why I did certain behaviors (like become very insecure/have intense emotions). 

Well, when he dumped me it was my whole world shattering before me. And, like how most people here with BPD can relate with, the emotions were so intense. I was honestly shocked that he did it. We had a lot of arguments--mainly over bids for affection and connection that weren't understood by either parties, and they usually blew up into big arguments. He had a temper and could really only express his emotions in a spirit of defensiveness. He reported feeling blamed for my sadness--and I can see, in retrospect, why. I would often use "you" statements when trying to express what I wanted, but when I was in a good space I used "I" statements. I can honestly tell you I can't remember a time when he was in touch with his feelings enough to even identify how he felt. He usually got angry and walked away.

Sometimes arguments escalated very quickly, name calling was involved (both sides) and he could be kind of a bully. So, this was an issue we tried to work on in therapy but nothing got really resolved because we both got really triggered by each other. 

It was sad because I just saw two traumatized individuals who sincerely loved each other and didn't know how to breach the communication gap. I can't even describe the warmth I felt when he smiled, or how much we laughed together. He was like a Jim Carrey and I was like Kristen Wig. We always made people laugh with how we were, we'd get into these Seinfeld like scenarios all the time. There were certain disconnects there, but on the whole I loved him very much. He had such a big heart with animals and children, he was kind of like a big kid, but so am I. 

Well, a week after Christmas I took my GRE. He was acting really weird, like kind of asking me to do things when I was trying to get ready for this important test. When I came back and did well, he made it about him and his opinion on a topic on the test. I told him I kind of wanted to bask longer in the glory (because up until then, I had been struggling a lot with my depression and sleep patterns) and he told me to celebrate by myself and stormed off. 

I remember he just had this look. It was a look of contempt and resentment. And I knew something was off. The next day, he said he had doubts about our relationship. Then I went into panic mode. The following weeks were followed by a lot of contemptuous statements from him, resentments about me not showing up the way I should, which he never brought up before. Basically a lot of things I never heard bug him that bugged him and it was too late to fix.


And honestly, for the 6 months that we've been apart, I don't think I've stopped being in panic mode. I've begged him to have a calm conversation about what the deal breakers were for him, but he said he's too emotional and the best way for him to move on is to not talk. 

I am completely shattered. For some reason, grief just hit me so hard and the emotional pain consumes every part of my body. I've been crying for two days straight. I'd do anything to get him back. He was and is so unbelievably special to me and I hate that God took him away. 

I'm not really looking for maverick statements like "live your life/move on/take care of yourself". I really just want some insight as to what went wrong? And will he ever come back to me? He loved me SO much. What is the take away from this whole thing ?