I'm a 30 year old male inching towards 31, 5 ft 6, going towards 180 lbs from 140 and best shape at 130. I just feel like I have no meaning in life anymore like a sense of hopelessness. I have always had a lot of rejection in life. From grades, to schools, to jobs, to girls, even killing myself I got rejected not once but twice. Even with a 6 pack and the best shape of my life I was never considered a "Hot One" that people would consider a candidate as a person's boyfriend. My first girlfriend rejected me harshly before reconsidering and then dumping me a year later over text message. Once I got dumped all the friends surrounding us disappeared. No one wanted to be around me anymore and all I could blame was myself. I am the piece of crap, I am not hot enough, I am such an ugly blob, and why am I even alive to fuck other peoples lives up. The second confession/ date the person ended up ghosting me because I got interested in her but of course when they meet you they think you are ugly and ghost you. The third one we became good friends and I told her I caught feelings with her and that is when she started to get weirded out and ended up ghosting me and ignoring me. I truly think in my lifetime I will find no one. I don't think it's worth trying. I want to love someone I want to be a gentleman. I want some meaning to my life but my success in having a decent paying job, owning my own house, able to put food on the table doesn't fit the aspects of being a person anymore.

There is currently a girl who I really like and I wanted to tell her I liked her for a while but recently on our trip I feel like she got weirded out by me and probably is potentially interested in another person. I feel like if I tell her and take the risk and get rejected I probably will in the end want to actually use a knife instead of a rope to end my life this time.

What is good about a person who is Fat, Short, Kind, and Considerate. When none of it matters in the end. I could train to get back into my lean state but what's the point. I could never be as good as other people in this world. Never good enough for anything but the dirt covering my body when it is all over.