i’m really struggling today. i know it’s partly the disorder but really the disorder is just a stronger reaction to facts, and the facts are awful. 

I hope it’s ok to just vent here because i don’t have anyone to talk to. I don’t want to affect people in my life with my negativity like I always used to do. 

I have covid at the moment and i can’t leave my flat. i’ve been awake since 5am and couldn’t sleep after that. I keep thinking about how I just want to go back in time and I can’t. I want to do my life over. I’m nearly 33 and i’ve got basically zero to show for it. I wasted so so so much time just not really knowing myself, leeching off others, moving from place to place to place trying to find a “fresh start” when the problem was internal, being lazy and unambitious and going nowhere. i’ve got no savings, got no meaning to my life. I think back over the last 10-15 years and how much of it i spent just stagnating and not working towards any goals and I feel totally sick. the only time i didn’t feel that way was the three years i was at university and even then, what was i working on? a very expensive useless self-indulgent art degree. not exactly difficult or important.

my partner woke up today and immediately just got angry about how much he hates our flat and how full of crap it is, says it’s shameful and stressful and overwhelming and it makes me feel like shit because i don’t know how to help with that. it’s not dirty at all, it’s just full of all his stuff because he’s lived here for 19 years and i’ve been here for 2. I can’t do it for him because it’s his stuff. I want to help clean up and redecorate but we are poor and it’s hard and i feel like its my fault. 

you know what hurts even more though? he acts like it’s terrible here but its the nicest place i’ve ever lived. He went to private school and a lot of his friends have VERY nice houses because they had a good start in life and parental help and stuff. He compares us to them, and i’ve started to do that too, and feel badly because of it. it hurts when he acts like our place is some hovel. i’ve lived in actual hovels. I’m not the person to get us out of this. I’m trash.

I wish i had done more for myself so I had something decent to offer as a partner, but i feel like i’m just a burden who makes it worse. i can’t contribute money to help. all i did was just added to the pile of stuff that’s lying around that stresses him out. I do my best to pull my weight with cleaning and bills, i absolutely do, but ultimately we are two depressed lazy people and we don’t have any drive or goals or anything and everything stays the same. where do you find meaning and motivation? where do you find the drive to get up and tackle your problems? It seems like we can’t. 

it feels like there’s nothing to look forward to.