*potential TW: very brief mention of self harm* 
TL;DR at the end :)

A lot of the time I (17F) wish I had some major trauma or awful thing happen to me to justify and explain why I’m always so sad and self-loathing, so that I’ll feel like I deserve help. Because a lot of the time I just feel like a horrible, narcissistic bitch for wishing it.

I mean, I have what I’d call extremely minor “trauma” from all my friends abandoning me for other people at numerous points throughout my teens (which caused social anxiety, panic attacks and self-hatred to the point of self harm), but I never feel like it justifies why I feel the way I do- I can just snap out of it, so why don’t I?

It’s actually pathetic- because I have a great family, a nice house, a lot of material things. We go on foreign holidays and I do feel very lucky to have what I have. I always go to great pains to show how grateful I am. But I feel incredibly guilty, because I know I don’t deserve it. Sometimes I wish I could be good at something instead, but I’m literally not good at anything I do. 

Here’s a little story: my younger brother, R,  was around 9 or 10 when he got his ASD diagnosis, and obviously my parents always had to go to meetings and things with him. As a result, me and my twin brother, D, felt pretty abandoned for a few years while this was all going on. We were 11 or 12, so it shouldn’t have been a big deal for us. Now that we’re all older and the attention is off R for the most part, my parents have finally noticed that I’m probably on the spectrum too, so they want to get me diagnosed for it. I feel like it’s too late.

I mention that story only because I don’t know if it may have anything to do with why I feel the way I do? 

I know, I know. This reeks of self-pity. I’m sorry. I don’t know how else to express it… It’s way too long, but I had to tell someone. I can’t get therapy. Thank you for reading until the end. 

TL;DR: I hate myself for wanting trauma to validate my pain and I don’t entirely know why. I wish I could stop feeling like this.