Hi all,

I’m (29F) hoping for some help for my partner (28M) who has, within the last year, suddenly developed really bad anxiety. The stress of the pandemic, working freelance, and moving to a smaller house have all been really hard on him, but his anxiety is starting to become really hard for me to help him with. I have tried so hard to listen and assuage his concerns, but I know anxiety can be an awful beast, with a new concern cropping up and feeding it next, but it’s really becoming detrimental to our relationship.

About a year ago my partner started to get occasional moments of anxiety about our relationship. We’ve been together for nearly 9 years, and we broke up for a brief period 4 years ago, as I felt he wasn’t listening to some of my concerns about how fast the relationship moved sometimes, emotionally and physically. 

Up until a year ago, we had managed to put all these concerns behind us and he was really putting in the work of listening to these prior concerns, although I do feel a bit like this effort was sometimes inconsistent. His panic is based in him not feeling like a good enough boyfriend, or that he’s not doing enough.

I try and reassure him as much as I can, but it becomes hard when he says “I love you” a hundred times a day and is concerned if there is any change in my cheer levels. He now spirals to the point of hour-long anxiety attacks incredibly quickly, and I have tried to reassure him as best as I can, and research as much as possible about anxiety attacks. 

As an example- The other day he had a really bad anxiety attack because he opened a drawer above where I was kneeling down, so when I stood up I accidentally knocked into it with my shoulder. I had seen him open the drawer and knew to move around it, I just misjudged the space and knocked myself, but he was convinced this was proof that he was a bad boyfriend and could not breathe until I reassured him 20 or 30 times and then had to step in with grounding exercises. It’s hard because I know that it is detrimental to his self esteem to have someone else step in and help him through it but he won’t research his own grounding exercises and views anxiety itself with such an embarrassed lens.

The trouble is that sometimes I really need to tell him that something he said or did upset me a bit, or to talk about a relationship issue, but it’s invariably met with an anxiety attack that he needs me to help him through, meaning my concerns are put on the back burner. He is acutely aware of this also, which I think only makes his spiralling moments worse. 

I’ve tried to talk to him when he has calmed down, usually the next day, about getting help or finding some anxiety resources but it usually just starts the spiral back up anew as he feels he isn’t doing enough, or doesn’t want to talk about it because he’s in a good place now and he feels so embarrassed about having the anxiety attack in the first place. I try and tell him that it’s nothing to be embarrassed about, anxiety is an awful experience but not his fault, and we just need to work towards conquering it. He needs to work on finding his own coping mechanisms that work for him, but I can’t seem to convince him of this and I’m becoming really burnt out from being put in the position of talking him through grounding exercises when he’s panicking so hard he can’t breathe well. I’ve tried to ask him to do his own research, but it’s like when he is out of the anxious moment he forgets there is work to be done to help himself through the next one, or doesn’t want to because he feels so embarrassed about it.

We aren’t at a place, monetarily, that major therapy is an option, so I’ve tried to get some books for CBT, anxiety and couples therapy for us to work through together. He reads a couple pages maybe for ten minutes the next day after he has an anxiety attack, then feels he’s good and doesn’t maintain it, resulting in another attack very quickly, sometimes 5 in a day. 

He has never had any mental health issues up until this point, to the point that his whole friend group knew him as the most stable, unshakeable one. Whenever he isn’t having active anxiety he is so cheery, pleasant, interested and kind- I really worry for him when it takes over though, and want to help him, but it’s getting to the point that not only can I not talk to him about any of our relationship concerns, I have to maintain a heightened level of happiness in myself because any change in my own mood means an anxiety attack for him because he feels he couldn’t help me fix it or the vibes set off his own concerns.

I hope my concerns don’t come off too harshly, I genuinely love him and try and be as supportive as possible, but I can’t help but feel that I’m feeding an unhealthy coping mechanism.

Any help with this would be wonderful, or even just any similar experiences shared would be so helpful too.
Thank you in advance!