I'm posting this on a few subs because i'm not sure which fits best. I have depression and anxiety my whole life along with some BPD symptoms. When I first met my boyfriend my depression, for the first time in pretty much my whole life went away. 5 months later it came back. I have never been in love before, but my idea of love I sure thought I was in those 5 months and even after that but I think my depression just clouded everything. Anyways he is now the closest anyone has ever been to me, he is more than a best friend and an amazing lover. I mean he supports me, deals with all my bullshit, provides everything for me, spoils me, and loves me as much as possible. I couldn't imagine a better boyfriend besides the fact I wish we could travel together, literally the best lover I could imagine. But yet I am so mean to him, I have anger issues and I don't know if i just take it out on him cause he is closest to me but I am so mean and constantly looking for anything to start a fight. He does so much for me and I really could care less, it's like I expect it? It's sickening just typing this but I need to be as honest as possible with myself to get answers. There are times when I realize how selfish i'm being and how i take him for granted and i feel so bad and apologize. There's also times where i look at him and im in awe and start smothering him because i feel so much...Love? idk what the feeling is but its overwelming, but the moment he says stop or anything i choose that as an outlet to get mad and start causing a problem. I really only feel anger, sadness and confusion. I'll be chilling and look on facebook and see an attractive guy, and then obsessivly wonder why i find them attractive and then that leads to well do i love my boyfriend, then i start comparing him to many guys and then i spend hours on google searching "do i love him" "am i falling out of love" this happens A LOT. It can even stem from us kissing and it not feeling "right". Now thinking about it, I obsess a lot. Once somethings stuck in my mind that I can't figure out i wll drive myself and my bf crazy until i do. For instance I found out he slept with our roommate when we lived in an apartment (2 years before we got together) I kept asking every single detail, and why, and how dare he be with someone that slutty and how low of standards and i kept going on and on and he kept explaining until I finally settled with he was drunk and on xtc, but it took hours. One time he told me his fantasy was two girls bj, and I thought it was hot but then the fuse went off... hours and hours of questioning until i felt satisfied with "its just a fantasy he doesnt want it in real life". The thing is he's the bestest friend i've ever had and the closest person i've ever had. and like I said I couldn't imagine a better lover. Especially to put up with my crazy. So why am i so mean, why am i so selfish and petty? To cause a scene i constantly tell him to leave and get out and if I don't get a reaction i will leave but come right back if i see he isnt chasing me. The other night he actually left, and I had the biggest anxiety attack I called a cab and pounded on his door freaking out. When i'm away from him I miss him so so much, and i think about him 24/7 but I still have no clue if i love him? Or what if i love him and im not in love with him? How do i know, and why am I like this if i am? Another thing is, I treat the only other person who's this close to me the same way, my dad. They are very similar. I had a rough childhood and my dad gave me everything, let me walk all over him and drop out of school and spoiled me i'm assuming out of guilt of my childhood and my constant depression/anxiety. He did the best he could with my mom abandoning us. I was babied my whole life and i feel this effected how i am today. I have my moments where i socialize and throw a party or go to one but then i completley shut down, for the past year or more i've pretty much been in bed and sleeping 13+ hours doing literally nothing but drowning in sorrow, besides those 5 months where i met my bf and the half a year before i met him i was okay, some of being 16 i spent mostly in bed and before that i was with an abusive (physically, mentally, emotionally) ex bf and using drugs and in bed all the time as well (14-some of 16) and then again at 13 this same pattern just completly depressed, no motivation, extreme anxiety (only this past 8 months or so the anxiety is way down and it's just been depression unless i go out in public). So can anyone answer me on where to go from here, and if i love my boyfriend or any idea how i treat him is fromf? Btw I know i need help, i just don't know where to get it i've been on every med in the book and have been on benzos since i was 10. Nothing has helped me. I know this is a loaded question but I just wanted to give you a good idea of how bad my depression/anxiety is my whole life and if it can be related to my question of do i love my boyfriend or if it's just my mental illness fucking with the only thing good going for me...Also if you have any suggestions on how to start changing the way i act and just how to be happy again or at least treat him better, would be much appreciated. Please don't be rude, this took a lot to open up like this..