Longggg stream of consciousness rant feel free to ignore. So I’ve been working two jobs on top of being a full time college student with severe anxiety and depression. I had finally been making some real friends and a boyfriend that I really care about (and I thought cared about me). 

However, recently I haven’t had enough time to hang out with anyone. Every time they ask me to go out it’s during a class or during a shift at work, so they’ve been asking me to hang out with them less and less cause they expect me to be busy. This is understandable and I get why they do it. I just wish I could change something so I can be a better friend to them. 

I feel bad about everything I do. I feel like every time I open my mouth I say something that makes them upset even if that is not what I intended to do. I feel terrible talking about myself with them since I haven’t been able to be there for them as much as I wish I could. I feel like there’s no way I can make my friends or boyfriend happy anymore no matter how hard I try. I’m extremely unhappy that I can’t have friends or a boyfriend due to my schedule, but it’s out of my control. I need to keep working both jobs in order to pay rent, pay loans, buy food. I’m on my last semester of college so I can’t fail any classes or I don’t graduate. So I just keep reminding myself that I am not here to make myself happy, I’m here to help other people until they don’t need me anymore. Telling myself this helps in the short term but I always think about how shitty of a friend I’ve been and how I’m not even helping my friends. I’m not capable of making other people feel better even though that’s my only purpose. 

They say they don’t mind my schedule, and they understand and I believe them but I can see them becoming more distant from me. I try to let them know when I’m free but it always seems to be at a time that they aren’t available, so when I finally have time off I’m alone anyways. 

I’m not happy, I can’t make my friends or my boyfriend feel happy or loved. So, what am I really here for? I don’t know

If you made it this far thank you for listening I really appreciate it.