I have cptsd &amp; bpd. I was abused in every fucking way for years of my life. I always blamed myself. I always tried to see what I was doing that made it so I deserved what was happening to me. I always gave people the benefit of the doubt. When I even started thinking maybe others might not be as kind as I thought I'd hate myself and doubt my doubts. I gave my all to everyone else. I'd even give money I didn't have. I never had that or stability. I was blamed when I was abused. I was always told it was my own fault. Even now people when I finally open up feel the need to ask ,"well what did you do to them?" or say shit like, "well it seems you're the common denominator in those situations." Like yeah, ya don't think I tell myself and ask myself that all the time?

Often I see people say that those with bpd blame others for their issues or make others out to be the bad guy. I FUCKING BLAMED MYSELF FOR EVERY LITTLE THING FOR YEARS! It took years of therapy and specialists telling me, "no that wasn't a normal childhood. No that wasn't an okay thing to happen " to finally accept that maybe I didn't deserve what happened to me. Maybe I wasn't the villain. Maybe I was in a super unfortunate situation. It doesn't help and honestly hurts to get told by people who don't know my full situation, who I'm barely opening up to that it was all my fault. That everything bad that's currently happening to me is all my fault. Like thanks. I'll be thinking about that and blaming myself once again until I'm back to wanting to die again for the next 3 months. "You just don't wanna hear the truth cuz it's hard to hear." No I've believed what you said for years and it took so much therapy not to. 

You say we're the same and you understand but you grew up extremely wealthy, still are very very well off and admittedly never dealt with the kinds of abuse I did for a vast majority of your life. I'm doing the fucking best I can with the means I have. Yeah if I were as well off as you I'd probably be doing a lot better too. I can't afford the meds, the doctors, the physical therapy, the specialists, the nice big house &amp; car, the maid, the lawyers, etc that you have! No shit you're more mentally sound and not losing your shit like I am. Does your mom have cancer right now? Is your father hospitalized from a heart attack? Did your main mother figure die in front of you? Do you have chronic health issues caused by genetics? No, that's right. So you don't get to speak on where I am. You don't get to talk shit about the fact I tried to commit suicide. You don't get to shame me for not having all the doctors I should. I wish I didn't let you back in because ya only fuckin hurt me more, lied about wanting to be friends then ditched me again. It's why I didn't open up to you to begin with. You just caught me on a low ass day when I really really needed someone to talk to. I now know that I should have just kept my mouth shut.