I think I finally pushed someone away and I’m so sad. I can never trust my thoughts and emotions. Do I love you or hate you? Am I right or wrong? A part of me feels accomplished. Now it’s done. They proved me right, I knew they couldn’t handle me and would eventually leave and now they have. But in reality I never wanted them to leave me but I knew I’d never stop or trust them and this is the best for them. No one should have to tolerate my unrelenting bullshit. This sucks so much. I just want to be normal. Have normal relationships. I just couldn’t stop the cycle. I guess it’s better that I suffer alone than to manipulate someone into suffering with me. It’s sucks when you’ve apologized so many times for the cycle that sorry doesn’t mean anything anymore. I feel like I can’t even say sorry anymore. I am so so sorry though. I hope that a part of them knows that. Im just going to tell myself they will be better off, if I care for them I won’t do this to them anymore.