this may be very triggering to some of you who self harm, so please be warned. i just really needed to get this off of my chest, process it, and seek some support or just be heard.

i was very badly triggered last night by something i'm still processing today. usually my reactions and emotions in these states are so intense, that they almost isolate themselves to that moment--i don't remember them in the same way the next day, or at all, because of how unrelatable they feel when i'm in a neutral state. or something. today is different...

last night resulted in me cutting, which i have only ever done once before, a long time ago. the cutting did something different... well, for one, in the moment and now, it didn't feel like something i was explicitly doing to myself; it felt like part of my overall expression of what i was feeling, and action taken that just happened to be part of the moment. there was no cause and effect: i was cutting as part of my being in a state of serious distress. it was "happening" as part of all of the pain and chaos i was feeling in that moment.
what is making this such a different and scary experience for me today is, i feel like this physical, corresponding action branded the thoughts and feelings of last night into a semi-permanent reality. where i have physical pain, and scars, it was like tying a string around my finger--i remember. the emotions of last night have carried over with me today. this must feel like how "normal" people experience emotion...it swells, and takes up the space of a few days...its processable.

i'm having a really hard time, and i feel really different and scared. but i'm hoping that this is a blessing in disguise, and an opportunity for me to actually explore the feelings i was having last night. they aren't gone with the wind per usual. i'm going to try to take this as an opportunity. but i also promise i won't do this again.