Good days give you the impression that hey, maybe things will get better, and you kinda believe it, you cultivate this tiny amount of hope that everything will turn out okay, you let yourself be optimistic and even DARE to think about the future.

And then... nothing, just back to the same place, something happens and whatever good mood you had now is gone, back to thinking about suicide 24/7, to think and plan your death, to hate everything or just... not having the energy for anything.