I like someone a lot. I thought they liked me - although I'm now not sure of that. I struggled with anxiety around them and gave them the impression I didn't like them but we were making progress. A girl who doesn't like me and was toying with him realised what was happening and obviously has been paying a lot of attention to him and now he's just cold towards me.

She's been basically gloating. 

I unfollowed him from social media, removed myself from a shitposting group he runs. I hope he never asks why. I also feel like I may have been rash in the decision to remove myself but I actually can't do anything about that without him knowing. 

I created this myself. I did this myself. I over thought things, I wrung myself inside out and worked myself into such a state I was passive aggressive towards him or unfriendly because I was terrified he'd see just how much I liked him and reject me. Inside I was screaming. We have so much shit in common. I wanted... so many fucking things. I could've made those things real, or at least I could've tried. 

The worst part is I want to blame him, I want to hurt him like I hurt. I want to lash out and punish. I thought I was past this. I thought I was better. 

I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, but how can I expect another person to put up with this kind of behavior?

I can't tell anyone this because of the shame I feel, because of the immense pain in my heart. How can you explain to someone who doesn't have BPD just why this is such a big deal?

I've been under a lot of life stress, I've been suicidal. But I'm ashamed to admit - horrified in fact - that this overwhelming crush and the worthlessness and self hatred I feel from not being able to control the rollercoaster of having an FP has been the main catalyst for those feelings. 

What kind of person thinks that? 'I like you so much that your lack of emoji makes me suicidal?' That's some fatal attraction shit. 

I'm so angry at everything. I'm angry at myself, I'm angry with my parents, I'm angry with the numerous toxic, abusive people who've chewed me up and spat me out and I'm angry that I've essentially got this life sentence just for the crime of being born into the wrong environment. 

I can't be this person anymore.