I know this sounds insane...and to make it even more insane, I’m not saying that your partner has done something legitimately terrible to you or has been unfaithful and you want to retaliate, but literally just because you feel like they don’t care or because you have a stupid fight.

For instance, although I really love my boyfriend, we fight over dumb shit.  He has never cheated on me or given me any reason to make me think that he’s been unfaithful, but the dumb fights always get to me.  Because the fights are always forgivable, we always make up afterward, but the way he handles it makes me deeply hurt even after we make up.  Sometimes he’ll not say anything, which sounds to me like he doesn’t care, or he’ll leave and go to sleep in his own dorm room, or just go do homework or video games; this has happened when he broke up with me briefly as well which seemed really harsh and uncaring in my mind.  Meanwhile every time he leaves after we fight, I’m so torn up over the issue that I can’t do anything (homework, sleep, games, watch Youtube, music) because I’m so preoccupied with the emotions of being hurt that I ruminate on the results of being abandoned.  I know we make up, but this is a pattern I’ve noticed and it really bothers me because it feels like he doesn’t care.

And he tells me that he loves me hundreds of times a day, and kisses me, hugs me, does everything to make me feel loved, and yet I must be in a depression or a bad state of mind because I feel somewhat vengeful of the fact that I am so deeply affected and more emotional than he is—especially when we broke up for like two hours when it seemed like he was able to move on.  He says he did care but that he reacts differently and that the break up didn’t hit him hard in that moment, whereas for me, it felt like he completely abandoned me in that moment when he decided to break up with me.

But even after we make up and try to better understand each other, my thoughts are terrible.  To better explain, I have imagined cheating to “get even” even though he has not cheated on me or done anything absolutely awful to me.  I have guys who make it obvious that they’re into me before learning that I have a boyfriend, and I’ve thought about just going through with it and doing something to MAKE my boyfriend visibly care for once.  Not even sex, but just like emotional cheating to make him “care” more?  And I think it’s because I want him to hurt as much as I do...but it’s so irrational and I would never actually carry it out because I love him even though I hate his reactions.

Am I insane for thinking this—that I want him to hurt as much as I do?  I mean it when I say that I love him but lately this issue has been getting worse than before even though we spend so much time together and are lovey dovey and whatnot.  Could it be my BPD?  

I would appreciate any advice on whether anyone has had the same problem or has some advice for how to deal with it on my own.  Of course I can never tell him because I know it would wreck our relationship if he found out about these thoughts I have.

Thank you.