I dont really get what triggered me but I feel like I have been run over by a car, I cant move and feel paralysed by the pain which is all over my body all in my head. Everything just seems extremely pointless and insignificant, and I dont want to exist inside of a body it is too small I want to be omnipotent which makes me miserable thinking how restricted I am inside of this world. I think about how people arent that much different than trees, if you ignore the fact that they move around they are still stuck in place. If you take the theory into consideration that the past, present and future all happen at the same time and have already happened, and they are stacked together like blocks aka block universe theory then yes, it is as unmoving as a tree and fixed in place. Even movement is an object. But I want to be move fluid like that, not a tree. Which makes me want to die because when you sleep the nothingness comes very close to that fluidity I crave. You dont have all of those characteristics defining you and neither do you have to look at complex patterns, both scenarios which have this sense of nails scrapping on chalkboard. It is just too much and all over the place, ornate extra, a completely random chaos nobody asked for. Like if you already know how your life will play out, which most everybody does, what is the point with following through with it at all? I just cant grasp the logic in this, it feels like this world is too small for such a large consciousness that takes up all the space in YOU. Which is probably why the invention of video games was a good idea, but they still are made by someone else and you have no control over it at all and neither do they get your needs met, which if you are a massive control freak are sub zero sorry. I want complete control over every tiny frame of this world, and the fact that I dont have it beats me up on a regular basis. No. Just why did they give us a conscioussness that can feel everything, no matter how irrational, when the way to soothe pain is very limited? It is a very uncomfortable position to be put into, almost like the carrot dangling right in front of your face and the carrot is death, such a relief. And the only relief for this sort of pain, existential crisis? I hate it I just feel the need to get drunk, really really drunk so I can just shut my brain off and forget about all of those thoughts that are driving me crazy and over the edge bye. This is all just so ridiculous, I feel like a God forced into some pathetic mortal body and it doesnt sit right with me. I hate looking at other people and notice that I am among them and not apart and above, able to play with them like marionettes. It sickens me. I despise their free will and the lack of mine. I hate the way this world is arranged and want no part of it. I hate the way how hopeless it is given the block theory, it just seems incredibly stupid to exist in the same way as a mere episode within a movie series does. The script has already been written, and I wasnt even a proof reader  I was just handed this finished script and fucking bored of it. No matter the exciting things. Forget them all. Forget this too, it is for your own good. Really.