I just started a new job and there's this girl at work. She's pretty chubby and I'm pretty slim/athletic. Just felt compelled to add that. Though I find her really attractive.   


Any way, I always keep an eye out for her, as in perving.  Although, I'm attractive myself I don't feel that the girls I find attractive want me.   


Today, she was giggling with her friend like she normally does, hysterically. They asked if I needed any help. I said no and they asked if I was fast now (at my job). They asked what I was doing but didn't care to get an answer and just went off giggling. Come to think of it, I think I interrupted the instructions incorrectly.

Know, this is how I'm mentally ill. I really want to either take her by knife point, rape her or kill her. I'm a "psychopath", I call myself. I have no interest in others, other then for my own gain. When my workmates where gathered around I was disengaged as usual. Life has been pointless for almost 10 years and increasingly so to the point that i'ts a constant thought.   


I don't know where this post is going, but I feel a strong urge to act on an impulse with the girl. I don't think I'd kill her or rape her, at most I'd probably point a knife at her and be awkward as fuck trying to demand her to do something I wish. I have no friends and I want no friends, unless it's for sex. I'm still a virgin and doubt I'd ever get sex. I'm too weird and unless they were fucked in the head like me, the chance is practically nill.  


There's no help because no one can do anything for me and I'm not willing to pay for treatment. I'm screwed. Even if I did see a professional, my urges would just transfer onto them like this girl.