sorry this is kinda long. 

i’m only 19. but i can say that i have been struggling with depression for as long as i can remember.

i’ve been going through a lot these past few years alone, i’ve been sexually assaulted in a gym, a locker room, i was in a mentally and sometimes physically abusive relationship for two years, toxic household, no support or guidance, i barely have any friends or anyone to confide in, i’ve lost interest in things i love to do, its so hard for me to get up and do simple self care, i have to put an alarm on my phone to make sure i get up and take care of myself, life has just sucked. and seeing me be like this is very sad and i cry every time i really think about it. i’m somewhat proud of me for getting help. 

i started doing sex work at the beginning of this year and it has honestly tore my life in half. i feel it has changed me as a person, it made me so much more self conscious and insecure, i was always comparing myself, i hated myself for it deep down and i feel disgusted of myself. i feel like i’ll never be my true self again, and i’m trying to forgive myself for it. and i even recently found out that it ruined my relationship with someone i really really care about. they said it themselves. once i heard that my heart sank into my chest, even though i was planning to quit soon, once i heard what they said i quit that day, and i’m proud. 

i feel sex work was the main reason of why i’ve been depressed. 

honestly i wouldn’t be getting help if it weren’t for that one person, and i just feel like they genuinely care about me and my wellbeing more than my own family does. therapy is looked down in my family and i’m not sure why. 

after a few sessions with my therapist she is sure that i have bpd, and it makes sense, but it makes me so sad because i just feel like that this is something that i’ll always have and will never be able to get rid of. i just want to be happy and normal. i don’t want to feel like this all the time, i don’t want to be impulsive and get irritated easy. i don’t want my decisions to mess up relationships. i wish there was a cure so i would never have to worry about this ever again. did any of you guys feel the same i do?