Hi,

I’ve had depression since i was around 14.. and I’ve had suicidal thoughts for a long time too.. recently, I’ve been doing much better but that’s until my dad found a book i wrote for my boyfriend a few years ago. I wrote this book as a birthday gift, listing all of the reasons why i love him and going into very detailed examples. I wrote about my depression and insecurities and suicidality and how he had helped me through all of that.
The thing is, my parents don’t know ANYTHING about my feelings and they can’t ever know. I’ve never ever told them if i was sad, stressed, angry, etc. I cannot be vulnerable around them, it makes me so uncomfortable and stressed that i think about killing myself. They have always ever known me as being happy or just normal. There are so many things that I’ve hidden from them my whole life because i just cannot deal with being vulnerable in front of them.
My dad said he only read the first sentence and he wouldn’t do anything to “invade my privacy” but I don’t believe him at all because when i was a kid, they would read my diary and mock me about it to the point that i stopped writing anything. My mom said that she wants my dad to show it to her cuz she wants to read it. It’s on a usb key.. i asked him to give it to me but he wouldn’t. If they read it I can’t live anymore. The stress of not knowing is eating me up inside. 
I can’t believe i was so stupid and careless