I've always assumed I had bpd because my mother has it. I've gotten off of my meds (Latuda) recently, and I've gone through the withdrawal stage, and everything I've supressed on Latuda makes me bawl my eyes out every now an then. Its getting better as the days go by.

My living and financial situation has been taking a toll on me. I have always had suicidal tendencies since I was young. I haven't self harmed in 2 years due to a promise I made to my partner. Most days I can't stand to be around people because I get very delusional.

My suicidal tendencies have been growing bigger and bigger. I love life and at the same time am sick of every part of it. I don't want to belong here anymore. I'm afraid I'll hurt my sister, mom and my partner the worst, but then again who cares cause I'll be dead anyways.

I often get called out to change my behaviours towards certain things i.e arguments with partner, changes in my adult life (saving money). I make effort, I put myself through the experience numerous times in my head but can't put it into practice or can't continue to make change for a long period. I become very apathetic towards everything like it doesn't matter when it does and I get really angry at myself for this and notice when I don't care but don't change my mindset anyways.

Things silently get bad until it becomes worse and I've been becoming overwhelmed and not feeling like my usual self anymore. I'm not sure if this happens every time or if I feel it this intense every time and feel like its a new experience, if that makes sense..

I'm making this post because I'm afraid. I don't know who to talk to about this because I'm afraid everyone will think "Oh very typical of you to say you want to die again". I feel very lonely and I'm very afraid this time.