Hey all. I'm illy, I've been actively transitioning medically for just about 2 years now, my first dose of spiro and estrogen were on Dec. 21st 2019. I've been struggling for months or years beyond with suicidal thoughts, and I am so concerned that I am getting closer to the edge.

A bit about me, I have lived a pretty rough life. I grew up in a broken family, just like so many other kids, and one with a highly queerphobic father. He used to tell me stories about how proud he was growing up in the 60's beating up gay folk for being gay. We never had a lot of money for things that we wanted, we had a lot of things that HE wanted, like the hockey gear that he bought so that he could make me be a goaltender, but when it came to pursuing my own interests it was always short on change. Growing up was rough, we moved every few years so he could dodge his income taxes a bit longer. I never really set down roots or understood how to make a lasting friend.

I didn't know I was trans for a really really long time. I was 26 (Late 2016) when I first started questioning why I never felt like I looked right, and through various throwaways and therapy I came to my ultimate conclusion. By this point I had already gotten with the person I thought I was going to be with forever, and we had a lovely little family with two children that I was providing for. One hers, and one ours. Revealing that I am who I am, and how I am, broke our family. Within a year or so, our relationship fell apart, she split (late 2017, early 2018) and separated me from the eldest child who I had raised from birth with her, as he went to live with his other biological parent. I was left, alone, with my girl and my grief. When I think back, this is the moment I never seem to be able to get over. Therapy helped stem the bleeding, but I've never really healed. How could I when I've lost a child? For a while I managed to keep it together and kept working my job, I was in a really well paying secure position with an aluminum smelter, but my anxiety at not being my authentic self drove me to leave both that position and my hometown in attempt to pursue my truth.

The intervening years, barring my transition, have been hell. I left my hometown in April of 2019, and by the end of November of 2019 I was finding myself in a position where I wasn't going to be able to comfortably or even basically provide for my daughter. At that time my ex had moved on and moved together to the city we were living in with her new partner, and they were in a financial / life position that was going to be better for the wee one. I made the decision at that time to send my girl to live with her mother, so that I could get back on my feet and get my transition stuff started. I needed to live authentically. Well. Covid happened. I wasn't able to find work for approximately 18 months during the pandemic, stuff having been shut down as it was and leading into my inability to work positions similar to what I had worked up to at that point in my life, I was stuck. During this period of my life, being down without my children, without my love, starving and clinging desperately to the fact that "at least I was medically transitioning" has probably been the hardest of my life. I seriously contemplated my death a few times during this period, I even called the suicide hotline a couple times and I was left on hold. My best friend pulled me out of my rut during this period a few times just enough to dust me off and keep me moving, even just a little. During this period I have been also waiting on surgical assessments for my bottom surgery, since in Canada (specifically BC) we have a lengthy waiting process in order to qualify for covered gender affirming surgeries.

Then, an opportunity. I got a call for a job offer in a new sector back in my home town, at a good rate of pay with lots of overtime opportunity. I finally felt like maybe the cards were turning around at this point. Maybe, just maybe, I could get back home and put my hustle back on so I could prepare a place to have my girl home with me again. I finally got the paperwork and assessments put through so I could go for my surgery. I finally think, "here we are, we did it, it's all coming together".

I just got the news that it's going to be several more months to years of waiting before I am likely to get in for my surgery. I found out that my income vs debt won't allow me to get any form of mortgage. Rentals are far, far too expensive for any single income to afford here. I just faced down a brutal abuse by a guy I thought was going to be my partner, he led me on for months until we finally were intimate, just to turn around and say "I want this to be a secret, I have a woman I am interested in making my wife and I don't want anything to mess that up." I made an impulsive decision to order a bunch of computer parts for a much needed upgrade, and the delays on the shipping on them all have me so beyond hope they will ever actually show up that it feels like I just spent $1500 for nothing.

I am drowning. I am suffocating. I am back in this small northern BC town away from my best friend in this world, I still don't have my daughter home, I don't know that I ever will, and I feel so hopeless. I no longer want to live. I don't want to die, I could never do that to my baby, but I do not want to live. I am constantly hounded by my ever present gender dysphoria. I need my surgery to help, I want to feel right, and nothing is working out. I have no family support. I am scared that I am going to finally break through that final line and just end it all. That thought terrifies me because I don't know how much more of this life I can take, before the thought of hurting my girl by hurting myself is no longer enough to keep me here. I need help, and it feels like nobody can help me.