I recently became aware of my diagnosis through asking for my medical records to confirm my own suspicion that, yes, I do have this disorder, and, yes I was unfortunately correct. I am one of the unlucky ones who is not high functioning which I blame on my upbringing. I assume most people here experienced extreme neglect or abuse like I did. That being sad, I have absolutely no self esteem whatsoever with recurrent suicidal ideation (just thinking, no acting although I have harmed myself to manipulate).

My worst symptoms are the feelings of emptiness and inability to connect with others which puts me in a bad spot because my success depends on my ability to connect with people. I am unskilled unless you count sex work. I've never met my father. My mother is a chronic addict who I suspect has multiple cluster B disorders. I've self isolated myself into loneliness because I can't stand being used and not feeling supported. How am I supposed to reach out when I don't trust anyone and they have their own problems? I literally want to die every day. I'm so tired of feeling the pain of my short life. I'm 23 and have literally no one except my boyfriend who is getting tired of me being dysfunctional.

I quit school midsemester because I kept snapping at people and being awkward or crying before class for no reason and ruining my own day. I understand no one's responsible for my happiness but me but I don't know what else to do. I've been thinking about drugs to numb some of my pain but I don't want to lower my serotonin anymore. 

In addition to BPD, I'm depressed with anxiety and i have PTSD from my u/ entire life has been one prolonged "hard time" and I don't feel like I can escape because I'm already programmed.   
Programmed to suffer. No i don't have kids and won't because of this.I'll probably delete this because I hate making anything about me because I don't believe myself to matter.

I'm ready to have all this sorted out but it's taking so long. I want to be independent and functional with a career because my boyfriend supports me, but I'll eventually snap and embarrass myself and then ghost my job. Being normal seems impossible. 

Instead my plan is to get my body reconstructed and go back to dancing so I can at least have some confidence and make cash and not sit on my ass at a desk job. That'd take care of money/confidence (considering my surgery goes fine and I'm not maimed afterwards otherwise dancing will be out the equation). 

tldr; I just wanna feel like I'm doing what I'm meant to because it sucks to have potential and waste it because of mental illness and just being generally unprepared for life because my parents were absent. 

Sorry for my awful pitiful rant that I'm sure I'll delete later.