It was such a good day. FP gave me so much attention today. Told me they love and appreciate me. Told me I'm important and a really good friend. Posted on their social media about me. Other friends were also so present today and I laughed so hard. It was really good weather. I did things that I enjoyed doing. I felt physical happiness in my body. It was so good. 

Yet now I'm retreating back silently into a pit of darkness. FP returns to their life, friends stop replying, you realise a good weekend leaves you broke, and you have to return to reality. Makes you wonder, what's the point of the moments of joy or fun when at the end of it all, the feelings disappear and you return to the default state of depression, loneliness and isolation? And it's so much more intense after a slight period of joy. Should I just avoid any feelings of joy? It doesn't hurt as much that way, I can perpetually stay in misery, and people don't have to deal with my shit show.....