life has been... ok. i hv a nice home, nice parents. im vv spoiled. im maybe anti-social. probably has anhedonia. i hate myself in the past and i probably still do hate myself now. i hate my mistakes, my arrogant attitude, my selfishness and more. i hate how i overthink every single thing. i hate how i care. 

i hv religious parents. i definitely hv doubts. 10 minutes ago, i believed an afterlife aka heaven or hell. but now it seems pointless. i hate how i am ungrateful ab everything.


i hate existing.


ive been questioning everything. i overthink everything. i hv been an overthinker since i was little and now it is just getting even more and more worst.

hear me out. 

firstly, im just a teenager. school is important, right? school is for what? to learn ab useful/useless informations, to become a person, to shape who you are, to adapt in life, to survive in life.


life.


what is life? a couple months ago, i learnt that life is a test. life is a rehearsal. for what? for me to go to heaven. and in life, you can make beautiful memories! 


heaven? memories? 


they say heaven makes you happy. maybe even more than happy. dont you want to end this misery and be happy? happiness is everything, right? and memories makes you happy too! 


happiness? 


whats the point? whats the point of being happy? 


im stuck with no answer. do i even need an answer?


//


i'll start over.

i am lazy. i dislike to "work hard" bc it seemed pointless. sure, i rlly rlly want to be successful. hv a nice home. nice family. nice memories that i can look back to. a nice story ab my life. whats the point of ALL of that, if im going to die anyway? 

lets say the afterlife exists. 
in heaven, i can be happy. yeah, happy. in hell, i suffer. ofc i dont want to suffer. they say, if i chose God, i could maybe go to heaven. but if i chose no, then hell i go. 

and now, lets say after we die, theres nothing. 
nothing. 
nothing. 
nothing. 
pointless. 
its so fucking pointless to be alive. 

before all this, i tried wanting to be a good kid. yk, the 'i like studying' 'the teachers love me' 'im so smart, everyone likes me' kind of kid. i hate that kid. but everyone else around me wanted me to be that kid. fuck that. but then, i tried to not be lazy. i'll maybe read books or study or be productive or some shit like that. limit the use of internet. eat healthier. but then, that question hit me.


whats the point?


i dont deserve this. i dont deserve this nice family, nice home, nice life bc i know there are more people that are so unfortunate. i dont deserve to be alive. i dont deserve to exist. bc, i am not grateful. i dont care. im not a good person. im not that cute happy dancing kid that everyone adored and liked anymore. im becoming more unfriendly. i hate to say "hi". i dont want to meet people. but yes, i want to go to college, be wild, make friends, hv a nice life, find my soulmate, be successful. and die. and maybe go to heaven. but that same question hit me everytime.


whats the point?


i dont know anything. if people ask me questions, my answers would just be "i dont know". i dont know who i am. i dont know my emotions. i dont think i hv emotions bc emotions and feelings are annoying and im not sure what im feeling 98% of the time but sometimes, they are ok i guess. 


but damn it, whats the point?


so far, music has been helping me somehow. but that question still haunts me from time to time.

im even convinced that i am a sociopath. i hv this weird urge to kill. but i dont know who. suicidal thoughts? maybe. i might even hv narcissistic personality disorder or something idk. i get annoyed and irritated vv easily. i do want to talk to a professional, but im just a 14 y/o teen. i dont hv the money and i depend on my family a lot. they said they could give me a psychiatrist but only if the covid cases are going down. and now here i am, asking strangers on reddit.


( if you think i deserve an answer, please reply. feel free to ask questions. im sorry if i could come off as rude. )