kinda just venting but would rly appreciate support; CW mild suicide talk

things have been shit for a couple weeks now and im on a new med and i think its making things worse

i feel very lost, very hopeless and very guilty for being such a waste of resources. im guilty that my parents buy me food to eat, im guilty that i cant even get myself to clean my room, im guilty that my friends have to put up with me. i hate myself viscerally, i feel like a monster and i am ashamed for relapsing like this. i feel so embarrassed asking my boyfriend if he likes me, i feel like everyone around me is judging me, and i feel like i have no future.

this post is really nonsensical and chaotic, i know, im sorry. i cant thibk straight. i have this feeling that things are going to end soon, like im going to end my life. but at the same time i know im not because im too much of a coward and i dont have access to a firearm anyway (im too scared of pills leaving me a vegetable)

i just feel this impending doom and a giant frustration knowing that more than likely im going to stay stuck on this earth. i dont know what to do anymore. i dont feel like i have worth as a person and thus there is nothing to continue living for. do i even bother to keep going?