
Hello everyone, I'm gonna start by saying I'm very sorry if this post triggered anyone, I'm just here to talk about my experience 

I've been dealing with depression for years now and for the most part I've done a decent job hiding it from the world, until I’ve had a bad depressive episode and decided to ask for help for the second time. 

It didn't help, again. 
I've tried my best to make my breakdown as quiet as I could and to ask for help in a way that doesn't grab more attention that it should be but that didn't happen, the people Ive asked for help from freaked out because I think they didn't know how to handle the situation properly and didn’t know how to handle a person with suicidal thoughts (they were the only option in my hand, trust me) and seeing the helpless look in their eyes made me feel very scared to the point that I've suppressed all my emotions and tiredness again.

I don’t blame them or anyone and appreciate their effort , I know this is how they were trying to help( or this is how I like to think about it ) but their actions didn't make me feel better especially after I’ve asked for help for the first time a couple of years  ago which I've still have nightmares about it and start shacking whenever I remember events from it, I've collected all my courage to ask for help this time and it didn't help me, if anything it showed my that my family and almost all the people around me only and only cared about me acting “fine” and not If I’m truly fine….

I made them think I’ve been feeling better again and it took me everything to make things sort of under control for a short while until a couple weeks ago when I’ve started to feel that I’m loosing control again, I lake energy more than ever, Im always sleeping ,and I’m  having the hardest time maintaining an interest in anything in life I know my situation is getting worse and my body is giving me signs about it, I’m  scared bc I know another bad episode is coming, and it’s gonna be the worst one I’ve ever dealt with,and possibly gonna truly end me. 

What makes things funny is that, my need to reach out for help is starting to fade, and I’ve stopped fighting the suicidal and thoughts in my mind, I’ve used to try to distract myself from them but now I just let them live freely in my mind and they are taking every corner in it, I’ve been having Suicidal thoughts for a while now  but just recently I’ve started to think that suicide is just normal , I’ve been thinking about it a lot every single day and kinda started to put plans again…

I don’t know what to do,the smallest regular activities now seems very hard, moving from my bed is a nightmare, I feel like a part of my soul is being crushed and destroyed every day, I hate how I feel guilty for asking for help, I just want to get away from everything, I can’t stand another year like that, it’s been almost 6 years or so and I feel  very very exhausted , I’m turning 20 at the end of this year and I can’t imagine spending my 20s,my 30s or even my 40s like that , no things will not get better for me and I’m sick and tired of people telling me they will, because they simply won’t.
each day i feel heavier and I simply can’t continue fighting the same invisible monster inside my head that everyone including me tries to tell me that it’s not real, asking for help was my last option and it didn’t work and the only thing left is just to just stop trying .