First off, this is my first post ever. I read the rules but if I messed up somehow please let me know.

I hate feeling like this. I am weak whenever I'm alone with myself. Earlier I had this fleeting thought "suicide will be the cause of my death." It gaves me chills. I didn't and I don't want to do it. But I couldn't help but think that it will happen. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but someday in the future. Like a premonition.

I watch myself and my behavior. I do my best to understand myself. To understand what I'm feeling every given second. I know I need help. I tried to get it. I don't know if I tried hard enough.

I thought about what my cousins said: "you're not in the financial situation to be crazy. When you work and get money. Then you can be crazy." After that I stopped taking even the pills I had already bought. What was the point? I won't be able to afford those medicines anymore.

I think they helped. Mood stabilizers. I felt more normal back then. I remember when I was in therapy. I miss it. I regret disappearing like that.

Yesterday was a weird day of sorts. If I could really see the chemical imbalance in my brain how shocking it would be?

I was in a sad mood for most of the day. I felt like a was just watching myself from afar for a while. There was a moment that I truly had no idea what I was feeling. It was a feeling that I couldn't point out. 

It was followed by I a burst of happiness, a momentary high of pure bliss for no reason. That was probably my body telling me to stop being a sad bitch. I knew it wouldn't last so I laughed and sang and danced while it did. A few seconds later, I was effectively empty. There were no feelings at all.

Probably 20 minutes later, I was irritated. That lasted for a about half an hour or so. Then, I bursted up crying. The rest of the day was a mix of emptiness, crying and a general bad mood.

By the night, I was dehydrated despite having drunk about 3 glasses of water. At night, I couldn't sleep at all. Sleeping is very important. I should know that. My head hurts and still feel like crying. But I deserve it for not taking care of myself. 

I have class in 40 minutes. A test, at that. I'll do my best. I hope it is enough. I'll try to take a nap. It will probably make me feel worse when I try to wake up. 

After class, I won't go to sleep immediately. Instead, I'll try to be more tired. I want to be able to sleep for a long long time. Dreams have always been easier than reality.