It's hard to figure out where to post this. I have multiple diagnoses: Quiet BPD, PTSD, and ADHD. And sometimes my symptoms overlap. So hopefully someone can understand this and give an opinion on what I should do.

First, a very long background. My SO and I have similar backgrounds, so she really understands me. Things between us are difficult for me right now. She started a new job a few months ago with a very long commute, got a bad case of covid and still has some fatigue, and has BP2, so she has a constant fight within herself too. While we live 45 minutes away, it's just too much for her to drive to see me. She feels like she's a burden and won't come over until she feels much better. And her home situation isn't great. She lives with family and prefers I didn't come over. I've facetimed her family before, so that's not the issue. 

We agreed to put our relationship on "hold", sort of. Neither of us want to see anyone else. She's just not able to have a normal relationship right now, especially living at home. Her family only just accepted her sexuality. My coming over would be very awkward. I respect her feelings so I will never push. And we both still consider ourselves together. Just apart for now.

Obviously our distance is triggering all sorts of terrible reactions in me. She will only text me. No calls or facetime anymore. And again, I respect her feelings. Afterall, we aren't dating right now. 

I so desperately want to see her though. Even for five minutes just to hug her. I constantly cry when thinking of her because I really miss her. Before we dated, she was my best friend. I've been in love with her for years. But she never was comfortable pursuing a relationship with me because up until her, I only had open relationships. I have so many issues, I felt it was unfair to ask a partner to sacrifice some things. But we got to the point where we couldn't ignore our feelings. So we've been together and monogamous for the last 9 months. And we would see each other every few days. Or facetime when we didn't. This complete change in our relationship almost overnight has affected me more than I ever expected. I feel abandoned. And rejected. It feels like I'm not good enough for her to just try to give me a few minutes. 

I haven't been dealing with our separation well. And now I scared her so much, she's uncertain of our future. I had an episode where I dissociated. It has never happened before. But I got so overwhelmed a few nights ago with missing her that I texted her in the middle of the night. With every thought and worry and brought up all my past trauma. I texted her over 100 times that night. And I only remember texting her three or four times at most. The next morning I was lost in sadness, lonliness and self-hatred. I didn't want to kill myself. But I didn't want to exist anymore. And I had such a strong urge to hurt myself. I terrified her. It brought up memories of a past relationship where she resents this person now. She told me she was tired of being a therapist. She feels used and can't be the "fixer". And she said she's terrified of this episode happening in the future, especially if we have kids. So now she's uncertain of our future. She said her biggest worry is that I'd get "better", and then this would happen again.

And here's where I need an opinion.  I'm in therapy. And I also see a psychiatrist. I'm working so hard on overcoming these thoughts. I took a LOA from work even though I can't afford to. I'm doing the emotional regulation exercises and DBT. I'm keeping busy with constructive things. And I'll send her a text every now and then. 

I don't know how to let her know what I'm feeling. What I'm going through. And how I'm working on it, without her feeling like a therapist. She wants us to be able to tell each other anything. Like any other relationship. But when I try to tell her what I'm feeling, she tells me I'm doing it again and using her. 

Do I just not tell her anything? I don't want to push anymore. But I really thought she'd like to know I'm feeling better. And that I understand what happened now.

 I don't want her to be scared or worried. I asked her if she prefers if I stop texting her until I get better, but she said ignoring her wasn't the answer either. 

So can I get opinions on what I should do. Do I just pretend I'm ok and not talk about how I'm feeling for a little while? Should I just talk about other things for now? I realize that with all my issues, I'm a little blind to how I behave. How do I talk to her so she doesn't feel like I'm using her?