Hey guys, 

This may be a long read but I desperately need help at this point with what is going on with me. I’ve been dealing with a few things mentally for the past year or so, and I aim to break them down in this post.

The main problem I’ve been experiencing for the past 12+ months has been voices and intrusive thoughts inside my head. I’ve been constantly dealing with this every single day for the past year at least, so you can imagine how exhausted I am. Voices telling me certain things over and over and over, as if they’re trying to fuck with me. For example, recently, I’ve been having bad thoughts about how I’m going to end up in a wheelchair in the future. I know, it sounds super random and crazy, but these are the types of things these voices and thoughts tell me. Things to scare me and keep me worried for no reason at all. I honestly do not know where these wheelchair thoughts came from to begin with, and no, it’s not a gut feeling or anything warning me about my future (at least I hope not), they’re intrusive thoughts that try to scare me. How do I know this? Well, I could list a bunch, bunch more examples of things I’ve heard in my mind that turned out to never be true. It’s like every now and again, my mind (or whatever it is) targets something specific to bother me, then moves onto something else a few weeks/months later. All the while, I’m left praying my ass off and fighting against these thoughts in order to keep my sanity intact, until a new thought is created and used to scare me, and then another. It’s killing me. Sometimes it’s just the one thing my mind tells me (for example losing mobility in my legs), sometimes its two. It is just bad things that I would NEVER in a million years think on my own. I often just tell myself to “shut the f\*ck up” or just pray that God forbids what my mind is telling me. No joke, I think I do this at least 10-15 a day. Every day. On top of this, every single damn day, I’m also dealing with small comments about certain things in my life. Comments/thoughts that would target my insecurities, fears or just way of living. To anyone reading this that may not understand what I’m saying, the best way I can describe my mind is like a YouTube comment section. A thousand people hurling their unwanted (and often negative) comments at you, and you just have to put up with it. But the thing is, this is not YouTube, it’s my mind!! My life!!! Every single day I have to deal with this and I’m far beyond my breaking point at this stage and I just want to be free. Normal and free of the things my mind tells me, and the things I hear. So that’s the main issue I have. I’ve taken no medication or done anything for it. I’ve been telling myself that I can deal with it on my own, and although it has gotten me this far, I’ve felt like complete and utter shit the whole way, and I don’t want my life to continue like this. Not anymore. I don’t know what controls these intrusive thoughts? Is it a mental illness? It is demonic activity? What is it from?

My other issue is that, for the past few years, I’ve noticed I overexplain everything to myself even when I completely understand. I find myself explaining it to myself as if I’m talking to someone else in my head and it is driving me crazy. It’s like I cannot process things in the real world without having to explain to myself after it happened. For example, I got swooped (attacked) by a bird twice while on my bike a few days ago, and once I was able to ride to a safe spot, I started going over what happened to myself. Obviously, as a result of shock from the attack as it had caught me off guard, but also as if I was explaining it to a friend or something, like I wasn’t the one who was just attacked myself. Like I didn’t just experience the whole thing and knew what happened and exactly how I felt already. Stuff like this has happened so many times I can’t even keep track. I take a pure experience (whether bad or good) and I completely corrupt it by just reciting what happened to myself for no reason at all. I just can’t seem to take life in naturally and blissfully. Sometimes when I’m in the shower or in the bathroom and I’m talking to myself unnecessarily, as I’m doing it, I find myself looking to a particular part of the room as if there is a camera there and I’m looking at it every now and again to make eye-contact (as if I was facing forward but talking to a friend sitting next to me). I always catch myself doing this and I make sure to stop it straight away, but the next day I’m right back to doing it. It is as if I’m thinking that someone else is there (not physically but mentally, if that makes any sense). What is this? Now, there are definitely times where I need to talk to myself in order to, either brainstorm or sort out my thoughts and ideas about something (I think that is normal for everyone) but 9 times out of 10 I’m explaining or going over something to myself that I already 110% understand or have in mind already. It’s crazy.

I know that was a lot to read and process, but I seriously need somebody’s help and input as to what I should do now. I’m open to anything because this is ruining my life and getting in the way of my everyday activities. I couldn’t even take a nap today because my mind was messing me that badly with negative thoughts. I’m 18 years old and a few months from graduating high school and I have many big plans for my future. The last thing I want is this mind of mine getting in the way of everything, like it seems to have already. I don’t want to be my biggest enemy anymore. There has to be a way out of this.

Any help is greatly appreciated.