So I’m not diagnosed with BPD yet, but I go to see a psychiatrist tomorrow.  As long as I’m not wrong about my symptoms and how they apply, I have more than enough for a diagnosis, and it has me a bit worried about my future.

I’m in college for psychology, and I want my masters in counseling.  I’d love to work in a psychiatric hospital.  The plan was to get better (I was thinking I had depression or a weird type of bipolar), then get a job in a psych hospital.  It would give me a bit of experience in the field and an easy place to go for internships.

The problem is, if it’s BPD as I suspect, I’m a teensy bit screwed.  Sure, symptoms can lessen and therapy can help, but it’s not going to make it easy getting where I want to be with my career, and will it actually be bad for me and my patients?

I keep starting an application, I’ll hit a low, and then I’ll wonder if I’d be able to work in that setting while I felt like this?  No, probably not.  How can I help someone if I can go from 0 to 100 and back again?  Maybe I’ll be so far into hiding my emotions that I’ll feel fine until I leave?  I don’t know.  Even though I’ve had doubts, I’ve always knew I’d come around and want to be a therapist as much as when I was in a high school psych class.

If I’m diagnosed with BPD will I still be able to be a therapist?  Is it better that I don’t?  I’m so scared I’ve wasted money chasing a dream I can’t have.

Edit: This doesn’t have a whole lot to do with the post, it does some though, mostly random ramblings.  

Looking at how perfectly it fits really sucks.  I never really understood BPD and found it hard to fully “get” my sister with it.  Now I’m here, I still don’t understand how it effects her all the way and we don’t really talk about it, but I see it more than ever and it’s scary.  Before looking at the DSM-V and fully understanding the criteria I was thinking I could just take a pill and be happy and fine and normal, maybe I won’t need therapy anymore, but if it’s this I’ll be in therapy longer than I was hoping for.

I’m scared.  I’m going to be diagnosed with something, I’ve had issues for the past 7 years.  I’m going to have to tell my parents as I’ll use their insurance.  I don’t know how they’ll react.  I don’t know how my sister will react.  Will they just shove it under the rug again?  Pretend I’m ok and there’s nothing wrong and invalidate me once more?