hi, it's my first time posting ever, just feel like a last resort since i don't know what to do.
i am 25f, been diagnosed a year ago, and have been in and out of therapy since then, it has helped for sure but i feel like it kinda plateaued and doesn't provide any help anymore.
my boyfriend and i broke up two months ago, due to both of us not being able to cope with our mental states, his father died in the begining of the year and he hasn't been able to deal with my panic attacks and whatnot, i initiated the break up but it was a mutual decision in the end, even though i imediatly regretted it, tried to get him to change his mind, got obssessed and tried to reach him when he asked for no contact, and he blocked me after those attempts.
i have always been suicidal, but it got worse after that, he was my fp and he was the only one to give me a sense of family and acceptance, i have good friends but i just don't receive the same safety feeling from them ever, i don't know what to do and i am crying and harming myself everyday, in everyway possible from dangerous behaviour to actual self harm.
i don't even want us to get back together, i just want to feel like i am able to contact him ?? i feel like i am trapped and that i am being punished for a decision that i regret, he means well, he thinks that us staying apart should help me and make me less emotional, but i don't see it that way at all, if he really wants to help then maybe he should hear me when i am calm not when i am freaking out, i don't know what to do, and all the coping mechanisms that i learned are not working, ....
please any advice would be greatly appreciated, and thanks for reading this mess