I wish I was carefree and vapid and free. 

I got lead on, heartbroken, and then abandoned by my best friend and I can’t figure out what to do with them. It’s been 5 and a half months and it feels like a cancer. Everything about them haunts me. I’ve tried every good and bad thing to escape my feelings and have them back in my life in a way I won’t get hurt but nothing works. We were each other’s everything, the “breakup” was very long and traumatizing, and I’m trapped. I wish I was a normal 20 year old who could kiss someone that I wasn’t completely in love with and it mean nothing, but I fear every chance I could be abandoned. 

I’m tired of being broken, of feeling, of nothing working. I wish the medication I’d been given would work, that the intrusive question of what to do with them wouldn’t leave me breathless and uncomfortable every second of the day, I wish I wasn’t afraid of starting with another therapist and trying DBT just in case it doesn’t work. I’m tired of feeling like if I control my emotions I’m barely living. I want something to work, to change. I wish I wasn’t traumatized as a child and normal and could function. I wish I didn’t have to do something drastic to be in the hospital, but I also wish I wasn’t afraid of trying that knowing it won’t cure me. 

I wish people hadn’t hurt me and made me into this creature.