I am 23. I have a supportive (yet dysfunctional) family. Each member of my family is there for me and loves me but they don't get along with one another. I often witness screaming matches between my father and sister with ugly exchanges of words, or my sister throwing tantrums at my mom. My mother is a workaholic but she is the kindest person I know.

I have good friends. Some of them listen to me and try to help me. Two or three of them keep me afloat. I am grateful for them.

But I can't shake off the feelings I get every day. I feel lost and confused, but more than everything I feel fearful. I wake up every single day and within a minute of being awake I get a panic attack that leads to tachycardia. I then cry uncontrollably for an hour and feel like I am truly going insane. I feel dizzy and faint and I get awful migraines. When I am alone I often resort to self harm. When I am not alone I have someone hold me or do breathing exercises with me. More often than not I end up succumbing to taking a Xanax. At night I often go over the recommended dose of sleeping pills so I don't have to feel being awake. So I don't have to process any more thoughts.

My anxiety has started to seep into my physical well-being. I have started having severe digestive issues and my hair is falling in clumps. I began having anxious thoughts about being abandoned or my family dying. When I think about this, I get a panic attack immediately afterwards. I ended up with the ambulance at my home because I wasn't able to calm down, not even with Xanax.

I am supposed to move countries and start a corporate job in a month. I am terrified. Of the loneliness and my suicidal tendencies. Of my self harm. Of losing my mind, of having panic attacks without any support system around me. I wish I could fall asleep and enter a comatose state for a month and just not be present. I wish I didn't go to bed afraid of waking up.