most of these posts don't have responses but i need to vent and this seems like an appropriate place to do so without someone like calling a wellness check. im 12 weeks pregnant and high risk on several levels with constant bad bloodwork. i had to leave my kitchen management job bc the kitchen is 125°F and im getting constant fevers from lupus. my job search wasn't going anywhere and i was getting way too stressed so im going back to my old job that i left 1.5yrs ago. i did not love it but am able to go right back (start this weekend), don't need training, can be honest about my pregnancy+ complications, and they'll work w my frequent request offs. this knocks off the stress of the job hunt. bc they have AC in their stores, ill be able to work longer hours and they're matching my current wage to start, so finances should even out soon. until then i am seriously struggling financially. another big depression trigger for me. i also had to borrow $600 from my mom to help with rent this month that im definitely going to struggle to repay.

my current health insurance is almost $300/mo. and includes dental and pregnancy but doesn't include mental health services. i go to my pcp next week for mental health meds, which was all i could do with it. i entered a manic episode yesterday after about 4 or 5 months of a severe depressive episode. i decided to do something with this manic bs (1st thing i did with this ep was actually arrange to go back to my old job) and declared a life event to get new health insurance. found a plan that covers all my docs, has a decent deductible, and covers mental health for about $30/mo more than what i pay now plus an additional ~$15 for dental. more money.... but hopefully will pay off. difficult part here is i cannot go 2 weeks without coverage, i have frequent appts and emergency testing/procedures constantly. my current plan bills on the 15th of the month and my new plan can't start until the 1st, so ill have to drop over $600 this month on health insurance. more financial issues. im making phone calls tomorrow to see if i can work around it.

my bf moved in to help financially since we have a baby otw, but his cousin (more like a sister) just killed herself so he has been so depressed and frequently calling out of work. im not complaining, he needs time to heal, but im just saying he can't help much financially right now, and im not pressuring him to. his family lives in a different state, near a city with a top 50 law school that i want to go to (LSATs in November), so we want to move there and im feeling a lot of pressure to get into this law school.

with my mental health doing so poorly, i ended up creating 2 plans for suicide. that's around when i decided i need counseling. the depressive ep began before pregnancy and hormones just made it much worse, but the only thing keeping me alive is this baby. so im doing what i have to do for the baby.

ive been depressed and suicidal my whole life. i even swallowed a bottle of anxiety pills at one point and just went to sleep and woke up like normal. i just never expected to make it this far so i never planned my life. now i have to figure it out. it fucking sucks having to pay everyday for not wanting to live. like we're taxed bc we have terrible mental health. all I've ever wanted to be is happy and the potential of future happiness is what has kept me here this long.

friends will say "we're here for you, whatever you need!" but as soon as i start talking about my mental health problems, there's fucking silence. im just saying if i kill myself there better not be anyone saying "i wish she'd talked to us" bc i fucking tried. i told so many people.

i know this is long and unorganized. i really just needed to vent. i need to destress for this baby and for my own health. it's just such a long path to figure everything out. i just wish someone was looking out for me.