I've had issues since I was a child. Most children don't self harm or plan out how they wanna commit suicide when they reach a certain age, right?

I've talked to a therapist. She hasn't definitively told me what I may or may not have (besides BPD, which I'm too "self aware" to have?)... I'm having a good day and she doesn't want to "trigger" me so we just talk about sunshine and rainbows and how the future is going to go off without a hitch!!! 

I don't know. Is going back to those painful memories actually just going to undo any good I'm feeling? What's the point of avoiding your past when it occasionally jumps back at you and you turn into a slobbering mess that wonders when you're gonna finally get sick of it all and just end it, man? I've been doing that this entire time and it works until it doesn't. Why do I need to pay 90$ every two weeks to do what I do anyway?

She makes me feel like a fucking fraud sometimes. I guess because I haven't actually offed myself yet or gotten myself hospitalized I must not be that bad of a case, lol. Part of me just wants to fuckin' do it just to prove I'm hurting inside more than I let on. 

I'm talking to a psychiatrist tomorrow. I just want to begin getting on the path of figuring shit out and getting on medication that can actually help. I'm sick of feeling like I'm ten steps behind everyone else in my life. Like everything is hanging on a thread and at any moment it could snap and that's that. I don't even know where to fucking begin and the moment we both enter the video chat I'll probably forget everything I wanted to mention and act like I'm fine and everything's fine and why am I even here? Things are fine!

Like cool, I get it, everyone feels like their life isn't where they wanna be and everyone feels a little behind but like. I don't even know myself or what I wanna do. I've been floundering for decades at this point. My "interests" come and go faster than I can blink. One day, I want to be this and the next, no, I wanna be that! At least most people have an idea of who they are, what they like, maybe even what they wanna be. I can't even decide what kind of a style I want. I feel like I have no personality, it's all based on who I'm around at the time.

I don't know.