so, I'm a binge drinker who gets blackout retarded drunk and does really shitty things. Often I will stay in a alcohol bender in order to deal with the situations that came from the first "bout" - it's been like this for a decade or more. When I am sober, my life comes together nicely, and of course I'm a decent person. But always, always I will have a blow out. 

For me, it feels that the sober me is just a fake. That its only a matter of time before the real me comes gate-crashing the party. 

I sort of feel like alcohol gives me a needed excuse to express my borderline problem, like it HAS to come out. This sounds ridiculous I know... I cant tell if it's simply an alcohol problem or borderline - but I do identify with basically all the symptoms and im 100% sure my mother has bpd and childhood was extremely invalidating and difficult. Every single relationship ive ever had - friends included - has ended in cataclysmic drama - but, pretty much 100 % of that drama, alcohol was involved. 

As I said I binge, I dont drink daily, and I sort of "accidently" get drunk - as in, I start off thinking ill simple have one or two drinks - though it never works out that way, ever... 

Anyways, just wondering if anyone else identifies with this? I have seen therapists for many years about alcohol abuse, did DBT, CBT, jungian therapy, womens courses, everything... Ive never been diagnosed - however I think in Australia where I live, it's not a thing they generally diagnose readily... 

I have cheated on pretty much every single guy ive been with, treated them insanely, and gone off the rails during break ups (actually going through one right now), I slashed his tire the other night and it gave me incredible relief to do so. I do not feel like a normal person, ever. I know I'm not evil, but I have that capacity when emotions are impossible to manage - which is quite regularly. I have a very flakey self-concept and I will often shun people I deem as having "seen" me and my bad behaviours, as I just want to scramble away from them. I am reckless and very compulsive. Part of me feels that drinking is my form of self-harm and self-sabotage. 

However, when I'm sober - lets say, for a month - I am gentle and healthy and kind and responsible, but it feels like im pretending, and it feels like it's all bubbling up... it feels like binge lapses are just inevitable - like people who cut maybe? 

therapy for alcohol has never helped... honestly I think it's because something else is going on. DBT worked on self-validation, and I know all the literature for all the therapies prolly more than the therapists do, but nothing works. Nothing fucking works. 

Ive been thinking lately that perhaps I need to go and see someone about a diagnosis - I refuse to go back to therapy because it always focus' on my drinking problem, which I do not really think is the problem. 

Ive been lurking on this sub for a few years and every post I have read I just get it, it's me. When I'm sober, however, I don't think I have borderline. What is going on with me? 

Sorry if this is muddled, I am hung over right now and in a bit of a manic zone. I hope this made some form of sense. I hope someone here has some advice or similar experience? 

