So I really just need to vent here I really could careless about judgement here as I want to get better, but I just see no avail no matter what I do. No matter what even working when I was everyday is just meh. Theirs no more joy in anything I do and I just feel like burden knowing I could help take stress off my gf by getting back to work. I barely have any energy to even get up or take care of myself. I can smoke weed and get 10 minutes of blissful ingornace, but the problem is without a GED and my record from when I was 18 has theft and credit theft on top of it. With that I can only really get shit jobs like fast food or factory jobs. Just working those completely kills my soul even worse and I always end up having a mental breakdown and quit as I cant take it anymore. I've been trying my best to get into any work from home job with no avail for 6 months now. I have back and knee issues so it's also one of reason to avoid it all together. I mange to mine $50 every month, but it doesn't even cover anything. I really just can't stop beating myself up everyday over this as its impossible to get any job where I wouldn't dread every waking moment. Not only that I just feel so ashamed as we got evicted back in may and we had to move into my gfs parents house. Its even worse as the environment is so toxic as they do nothing but drink, demand money and constantly rag on my gf. I've contacted my mom and they've agreed to cover a apartment to escape so security deposit, first month is covered. Its good, but getting in anywhere with a eviction let alone me not having any paystubs is a whole hike.
I just can't bring myself to sell my soul nor even overcome my anxiety and face anymore face to face that insist behind a screen. My father and I always butted heads and always called me a parasite from my teens. He passed this year and we've never really patched it up. I understand it's more a anger outburst that goes a bit far and I definitely put my parents through the ring back then. However he told me I'd just be nobody and leach of any girl I had and I'm living it. I never told him or anyone, but the drilling from that lead me to attempt on my life and I really can't seem to get over it as I truly believe it and do it. 
I just don't know how to keep going on this path. Even with the job load off I'm still going to be miserable. Even when I was in my own place it's just the same empty shell moving through day by day.
I really just want this all to end, but I know I'm cared about and I live of shear hatred of my gfs parents. I can't die before them or let them win, but I just don't want to continue or let alone hurt my gf, mother or grandma. Maybe their is hope, but therapy and meds senice I was 10 still landed me here