I grew up in a family where there are a lot more demands placed on me. I was always expected to be the best and I did. I grew up with almost no friends, talking to myself and it led me no where. I’m sorry if my english is not that great. 

I was bullied at school, My family didn’t understand me, I had no one to open up. I remember when I was in 9th grade, on 21/08/2018 morning I decided I would k*ll myself at the end of the day. I woke up at usual time but only I was feeling relieved because I knew I didn’t have to worry about anything after the day. There will be nothing left that matters after the day. I had reached school at around 9 am. I was always calm and I liked noticing people since I had no one to talk to. Some teachers would appreciate me for remaining so calm and patient and set me up as an example for the other students. After school was over, I decided to say the last good bye to a girl, I met on the library. I usually didn’t had the confidence to talk to a girl and I was too consumed with my own problems that I never found anyone attractive. I said bye to her and went home.

I went to my room and locked the door. I liked pizza, so for the last time I wanted to taste it, but my mom didn’t allow it. I never really fought back anyone in my life. I always thought the other person was right. At the evening I thought of experiencing some of my childhood memories, so I watched a popular cartoon show that I used to watch in my childhood. I laughed after watching it and felt a little better. 

At around 2 at the night, I was done preparing for the big act. I tied a nylon string around the ceiling fan, I had done some research that nylon kills faster. But I couldn’t do it, I was coward. I won’t go to the details anymore. It was unimaginable hard time for me. 

Now 4 years later, I’m on my lowest time ever. Today, I had the worst day. I’m fighting this from my childhood and now I’m losing it. I’m tired of fighting it. I just want it to end so badly. I’m tried of acting that I’m okay. I’m tried of putting a smile. I’m tried of convincing myself that it’s gonna get better someday. I just can’t do it anymore. I’ve failed. I just want to sleep and never wake up. I’m afraid of ending my own life, I’m coward. I just want someone/something would do that for me. Don’t be like me

Be nice to people, you never know what’s going on with the other people.