Im fucked in the head. I have a lot of hate and a lot of extreme ideologies that I truly believe. I know they are fucked but they are what truly makes sense to me. I am always angry and feel no good emotions. I am never actually happy. I'm just extremely apathetic to everything.

Ussually I just feel a bit down/sad but between a few times a month to a few times a week my mood just goes extremely down. And when they are down its fucking severe. Im currently in a down and I honestly cannot handle this anymore.

I am always aggressive to everyone and everyone notices it. I don't really have trouble making friends (though I want to have more) I dont really care for friends too much. I know that deep down no one will ever actually truly care for me. There is literally no point in life. There are also a lot of people that dislike me due to my attitude (which I always try to change but I literally cannot). I found a girl that I just fell in love with at first site but she rejected my insta follow request even though she accepts a lot of others (she did deny my friend too though who honestly is a pretty chill guy so idk whats up with that).

My family is fucked and I had an awful childhood. My parents also moved into a very bad area when I was in middle school and I ended up getting involved in a lot of fucked up shit. I am now in uni living with housemates trying to better my life but I keep failing classes because I just dont want to do anything. For years I have been able to control my emotions and not let them get to me but it is honestly becoming too much. Its like my brain and body just physically hurt as much as possible without there being an actual injury.

When im hanging out with friends it goes away kinda but as soon as they leave everything bad just comes back. A few days ago I was just so sick of life I slept for more than 2 days straight. Like not actually straight I would wake up but i would just go back to sleep. 

I always do extremely crazy and reckless things just to feel something but even that is getting boring now. I dissapointed my parents many, many times because at the end of high school I just fucking lost it. I literally would go out on the daily and do the most stupid and crazy things. Would always get into extreme trouble. I was lucky that I was under 18 or my record right now would be very bad and my life literally ruined. I truly just want to go to prison so that I have a reason to become a failure and just give up. I am always paranoid, always angry, always hateful. 

The past few weeks I actually felt like I was going crazy. Like actual craziness. I think all of this is getting to me.

I am very good at hiding my pain and am also quite good at manipulation. 90% of the time I can talk to people and actually use my bad traits (aggressiveness and whatever) as an advantage and I would just seem as funny in an edgy way maybe and I have had many people express to me how much they enjoyed my company. But every so often I would lose control and say the most stupid things and everyone would be shocked. Maybe its because I don't really understand why they are shocked. To me it is normal. Not even trying to be edgy.

I honestly just want to end it all but i wont as I dont want to risk the fact that death might be worse than life and ill end up regretting it. I srsly do not know what to do. I have nothing fucking going for me.

I just want a solution to all this man. I realy dont know what to do. Literally my only drive for some things is the amount of hate I have and knowing how much damage I could do to some people once I succeed.

To be honest I don't know why this is happening NOW. I was always able to handle this but recently all I have been able to think about is all the fucked up shit that happened to me. All the fucked up shit ive done to people (which tbh i dont rly feel guilty about but i just think about it a lot idk y).