Honestly I should move to Hollywood and start acting with how good I’ve become at faking happiness and normalcy.  I’ve found good people to date and be friends with and yet I’ve smiled maybe twice genuinely in the 2 years?  I’ve read from countless major philosophers,  psychologists, and health journals looking for a solution to losing 30 pounds of muscle and pushing with everything I have to not sleep for 16 hours a day. But all I see is black.  The  massive influx of knowledge has only left me lost and alone.  My good friends I’ve grown up with,  who’ve known me when I was well, happy, and driven call me for advice and laughs.  Fat chance I tell them the one they look up to is as put together as a 1000 piece puzzle broken and scattered across the floor.   I didn’t want to take meds and have been holding off the urge for all these two years.  I’ve determined that I’m going to change my environment and sharpen myself through trial and tribulation.  I’m dropping out of college,  going to a city I’ve always loved, and I’m going to start life anew.   My parents will definitely rip me a new one but I have no options left.   I need to try something, anything,  to come out of this fu%#ed up tunnel alive and well.  If I stay where I’m at I know my dream of 10 kids and a loving wife in the middle of Montana is never going to be a reality.  For them, and for me,  I’m going to press the red button and put it all on the line.  I pray we all find the strength to keep holding on and to not lose sight of the things we want when even the simplest task seems unmanageable.  Much love, C