I used to feel things so intensely. Sometimes I still will, in little bursts, when a situation pierces through acutely enough, and then it all comes out in a torrent. But, for the most part, it feels like an empty well, and I'm walking around the outside of it. is it something about the BPD, or is it the build-up of seven years of Prozac turning off my pain centre? 

Like... why is it that I don't feel torn up about the ends of relationships anymore? I'll love someone so much - or maybe I just think I do - and then something happens that triggers my 'they're gonna leave' alarm bells - like them going on holiday - and I just disconnect. My emotions for them just shut down, like a bulkhead door on a sinking ship. And then, from that point onwards, I feel nothing. I can calmly end the relationship. And then they ask, 'How are you not tearing yourself apart? Do you not care about our relationship at all? Does this mean nothing to you, that you can just throw it away?'

It feels like one day, my brain just decided 'I can't deal with this shit anymore', and just euthanised its own ability to feel pain, loss and sadness, to save itself the hurt. And now people tell me that I'm evil - a heartless bitch - and I wonder... am I? Is this what it feels like to be an evil villain? To feel nothing?