Tw// suicidal ideation, self harm ideation

Last night I started feeling really numb, fatigued, and nauseous. Later that night I felt this desperate need to self mutilate. I’ve never felt or done that before. Usually I just tiredly feel like I wanna die but I tried looking for sharp objects in the kitchen. I couldn’t find any and the best I could find was a plastic knife with somewhat sharper edges than normal. I tried press it into the back of my calf a couple times but got scared out of piercing my skin. I just went to sleep eventually but even then I woke up multiple times out of anxiety-ridden dreams.this morning I woke up feeling about the same as last night. This sucks.
What sucks more is that I cancelled my appt with my psychiatrist for today cause I didn’t feel like I needed it and I’ve decided I don’t like her. I’m gonna drag myself into being productive today in hopes that it’ll work.