Today I have been suffering from neck pain, and for some reason, feeling like I have to lay down to deal with the pain really has been an issue for me. So I'm wondering.. why is that?

Just having the pain is fine, but being brought to a point where I have to lay down, and not much else, THAT scares me. I think it has to do with abandonment. People seeing you're weak, and leaving you behind. Not being able to move or do anything..

I don't know how long I've had this feeling. It's really sad when you think about it.. that I've never been able to just sit still and be weak for a while to heal.

Maybe this is good. All I know is that this is intensely painful. When I watch videos about bpd they tend to say that it's the abandonment that is an issue, and I guess I should be thankful that now I can realize that abandonment is an issue for me and I can target it. 

Still, my neck hurts like fuck. This doesn't answer that question.. there's a lot of stuff to figure out going forward. I guess I'm just not allowing for any happiness about it. Maybe in time I can be happy that I figured it out but now right now I guess. I guess it's too soon, still a lot to figure out.