**TRIGGER WARNING** domestic violence, abuse, suicide 


I have been in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship with my ex for a little over a year. I put up with this because I believed her when she told me I deserved it, because I hate myself and figured all the horrible things she was saying were just true. I accepted her words and lost touch with reality because I had to dissociate so frequently to cope with the abuse. Eventually she had me so confused I couldn’t tell what was real and what wasn’t, what she was doing to me vs. what she said I did to make her that way. I spent most of the time we were together longing to die, contemplating suicide nearly every single day. 

Last week she escalated the abuse to physical, and assaulted me twice two days in a row. I dealt with it the first day without reporting her, but the second day our kids were present and she was putting them in danger. She threatened to kill herself and tried to take them with her. I got the police involved and made sure the kids were safe. I thought after this she would just leave and it would be over. 

Since then she has been texting me, calling me, emailing me, coming to my house. I blocked her, turned off her phone and stopped responding to her. I found out she has been contacting my friends and family, even some of my “bosses” (parents of kids I work with) and sending them screen shots of conversations where she basically says my bpd is the reason she assaulted me and abused me, that she “took it for as long as she can.” She has been somehow still stalking my Instagram page and even posting screen shots of my posts on her page calling me a liar and saying other hurtful, untruthful things. I just want her to leave me alone so I can get on with my life. It’s hard enough that I am already trying to process the very sudden loss of my relationship and my fp, no matter how toxic she was to me. Why does she keep making this harder? I feel so overwhelmed, my anxiety is through the roof. I jump every time I hear someone drive by with squeaky breaks (like her car) or a car door shut outside. I am terrified for my safety. I’m working with my therapist and psychiatrist, but what else can I do?  I need this to stop.