
Over the last few weeks I've learned so much about myself and how BPD has affected my whole life and all I feel is hopeless. The more I reflect the more I hate the person I have become. 

I feel hopelessly behind, I feel angry that this is the way I am, I constantly feel I have no right to think or act the way I do. All I think of how dysfunctional I am, my toxic traits, and how I'll never fit in or trust enough to have stable relationships. The mood swings are unbearable, 0 to 100 in hours or minutes. 

When you're honestly trying and feel like you're making no progress its hard to feel like there's any hope. When I make progress in one area the other areas regress. And I feel so alone, unable to talk to my friends or family about how I'm going to hurt myself again because then I'll lose them, hurt them or feel like I'm manipulating them for attention. 

I just think I'm a failure, and I've ruined my life, its wasted with no chance of redemption because I cant let go of the past or even live in the present. I'm never going to be what I want to be. This doesn't feel like a life I want to live.