I'm just so lonely and in pain and crying.. I had a breakdown again. It wanted cut myself in a way that would be painful and make me bleed a lot, but I somehow ended up going back to what happened early 2020, where I also had a breakdown and at the time cut my hair with scissors so it wasn't fully buzzed like now..

Honestly, the only reason I kept my hair was to see if my dietary changes would make it grow longer than last time (looks like it did, past 7 years on a bad diet it only grew to my ears lol..) and mostly to any potential partner, but seeing how I'll never have anyone since I'm a failure in literally every aspect of my life and have a lot of trauma and mental health issues (most to do with my environment) my psychologists don't care to help me with, then what's the point.. I already wear wigs all the time so having so much hair was just extremely bothersome.. My own hair boring and awful anyway due to genetics..

I wish I had someone to make me play games with them, voice chat, do things with that are more personal, but sigh.. Even been trying lately to set up some potential voice chats with my friends and caregiver but nothing has happened.. and just that part is already extremely difficult for me since I'm anxious about it.. The times I've had the courage to ask for a call right there and then they were busy with other things anyway so.. v_v; 

Also getting tired of all these dreams related to suicide or never growing up.. I just want to be cared for.. But not even my parents care.. 24th I was drunk and wearing my usual childish outfit but had thigh high fluffy socks on instead of fleece tights so it was extra cold to me. After the events I was in a terrible mood and really hurt and stormed off without saying much than bye and my parents who usually are so worried about me and at times force drive me home didn't care at all.. If anything they kept telling me to drive home even though they had me drink a lot of alcohol and me being under heavy influence still at the time.. So I walked home with temp being around -8.5°C hoping nobody would find me an easy target.. Got home luckily without too much fuzz, keeping my distance from some big 5+ group ahead of me, just some two guys near home noticed me and tried to catch my attention but I ignored them and walked quickly.. and since then there has been no communication between my parents other than saying no the next day when they asked if I wanted to come for food.. I could've been hurt and they wouldn't know until the next day.. But I'm their black sheep daughter anyway.. The true winner is my step dad's daughter.. She has a job, partner, money, whatever else. They had to dress up for them they said at the dinner table, not for me, some who cares about daughter.. She's also all grown up so I guess they can talk with her a lot as well about all kinds of adult topics.. 

I don't know how long I'll last.. When you keep asking for help from professionals and they don't care to help about any big themes in your life which weigh you down so much..