Split on my partner a few weeks ago and think it's never gonna be the same. I'm so miserable. I hate this illness. I hate hurting the people I love. He is distant and distrustful for good reason. We are still talking but there's barely any physical contact, everything is surface level.. 

I thought I had healed so much and the tiniest thing set me off this time and asking for constant reassurance is just triggering for him and exhausting. 

I just think i deserve to be alone at this point. 

I have done so many good things, but they're never enough, and I just feel like giving up. I'll never get the love and forgiveness I give other people, and do I really even deserve it? Like everytime i start to feel confident and good about myself and like im a good person, I sabotage it.

I am 34 years old. I have been working on myself for 10 years. So much therapy and meds and everything. I have a bunch of other  comorbid dx on top of it and I just don't know what to do anymore. Everyone leaves. Men anyway. Even the ones who should get it, should be able to empathize. Even the ones I give everything to. Even when I do things healthy.

I think im going to look for a new apartment somewhere. I know I'll just take myself with me and i can't run from my problems, but at least I'll be away from everything that reminds me of what I lost. I'm done dating anyone after this. It just hurts too much. 

There are so many stressors and responsibilities in my life that I am doing all on my own with no help, just like the rest of my life since I was a kid, I'm just so so tired. Cleaning cooking working, rinse repeat. Tired of bottling everything up. Tired of sacrificing my own well being for intimacy. Tired of even talking about it.

The magic in my life is gone. I keep hoping I can get it back but I always end up here. Alone. Full of guilt, shame, regret, self hatred. What is the point?

It's hell. Like I want to be done but I'm scared to die, and won't hurt the people I love by unaliving myself. Trapped in this shithole. 

Boo fucking hoo. I'm even disgusted by this rant. Like I don't even deserve to sit here and feel sad. It's just going to be construed as some kind of pity party. 

All I want is to be loved like I love them. It's a joke and a pipedream.