Im thinking of hanging or jumping in front of a train and being done with this pathetic existence I call my life  I’m drinking to be able to do it. I'm 19 years old, and I've let my life fall apart. I moved from being an excellent student with good grades who was confident in my abilities to feeling uneasy and apprehensive. had so much potential, but I let self-doubt sabotage everything, low iq,  just dumb and still continue to do. Now I think about people my age get accepted to their dream schools and pursue their dreams while I can't even see my own future. I feel envy thinking of people my age who are socialising, making friends, and pursuing their dreams in school. I've destroyed myself and will continue to trash my life. I'm useless, unlovable, pathetic, loser, maybe it will get better maybe it won’t but I’ll rather die now than to continually be disappointed. I'm still lost on what I want to do with my life. While everyone at my age has decided out what they want to do with their lives, I'm restricted to my room, playing video games, watching TV/movies, and reading books that I don’t don’t enjoy anymore probably due to Anhedonia. I'm worried that as I get older, I won't be able to keep up. Because of my insecurity, I squandered so much potential. Now, I believe that others my age are admitted into the schools of their dreams and realise their ambitions, but I am not one of them. I am unable to imagine my fate. just be a fool. Because it's the only thing I know how to do, I destroyed myself and I will continue to destroy my life. But I don't see myself changing, I'm trapped in a vicious cycle of self-loathing that has become crippling, along with my anxiety, to the point that I can't even leave the house to do the things I have planned. maybe it will get better, maybe not if I does I’ll like to look back at these posts and see far I’ve come, but i keep thinking of killing my self rather than living in a life I constantly hate and my self. I'm afraid that as I get older, I'll only stay the same, constantly feeling as if I'm missing out. I cant engage with others, I’m constantly miserable and lonely alone, I would like to have a partner and some friends but these are fantasies in and onto themselves, feels like I’m destined to be alone and I don’t want to see it come to that and I know it will. I don't want to bother others by demonstrating how uninteresting I am. I don't believe anyone would want to be around me. 
I've tried meeting and interacting with people, but I'm always awkward and can’t keep conversations going, I truly wanted to change and put myself out there last year and this year, but I kept running into the same isolation and self loafing I'm in now, I don’t know how to get out of it. I’m planning on getting help and getting better but it just aways comes back into my mind that I can just do it and I won’t have to be here and worry anymore. when I think I can better my self and get my self back on track suicide always pops up, it’s like my mind is telling me it’s much more easier to die than to worry about the future the past and now and I seem to lose all motivation I just had bc I know I can just kill my self and be done with it, bc I don’t see my future getting any better.