 

Hi, 22(F) new to reddit. Idk if this is the place to rant but I am so tired of pushing myself to be better. I probably have ADHD(inattentive type) and depression for a while now. I can't find good professional help for my mental health.

Each day I wake up and think of breaking this toxic cycle of not feeling good enough, putting in effort to complete the tasks on my to-do list and exercise. But all day I do nothing but stare at my computer screen, scroll insta or sleep for long hours. I am a CS major currently in my pre-final year and somehow managed to grab an internship which pays a lot for a fresher with no experience like me. I have a pile of projects, ideas, tools, and subjects to learn in order to make it in this industry. But I just don't have the energy for such a fast paced working environment or just life in general. I feel like out of the 24 hrs in a day, I feel ok for about 1-2 hrs and can maybe get some work done. All day long I think of all the procrastinated work I have left and it's like my mind is screaming to get the things done but I just can't make myself do it because I lack the motivation or even if I were to start, my mind starts making a list of all the things I have yet to learn and I just can't focus with all the piling anxiety, self doubt and imposter syndrome. 

My mind and body feels so tired and the thought of learning something new which will challenge my brain, make me feel dumb, or test my patience is so tiring. I start things but lose interest within a day when things get difficult. I also have a pile of unfinished projects, courses, hobbies. All I want to do these days is hibernate and come out once in a month to socialise. I am a people pleaser and a therapist friend. Giving off mature vibes since I was young, so people feel like I got it all figured out. I came out to my parents about my depression after silently suffering for 4 years and they associated it with my academic pressure and job searching stress. I visited a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with chronic depression and signs of inattention. Gave me such high dose pills that I had panic attacks, insomnia and pain in my chest. I will look for a good psychiatrist when I move out from my parents house and am able to pay for the doc visit. Till then please suggest some coping methods.