TW family death and suicide. My dad who supported me through life and DBT passed away about 6 weeks ago and my abandonment issues went absolutely apeshit. I’ve been having horrific flashbacks to things he did his best to keep me safe from as a small child, it’s been an awful PTSD-BPD combo attack that’s taken me so far out of commission I think 15 year old me would just tell me to get euthanized at this point. Like I am STRUGGLING and I have to be struggling this hard to let someone else touch my clothing. So my bf did, he did it for me, without me asking, without him waiting around, he just did me this favor while I was falling apart and the thought of doing it was worth ending myself over (but he didn’t know that 100% and he just did this because he wanted to be supportive for just that very reason, I still don’t share when I’m suicidal impulsively). So he left to the laundromat and I cried and cried and cried and wrote myself a whole very clear explanation for why him doing my laundry meant he would never love me again. Even though he came back with a hug and kiss and clean clothes for me. 

And then I was like, wow what a conclusion, these are incredible mental gymnastics I’ve just written out like a persuasive essay. But my stories and evidence actually don’t point to me not being lovable because he did my laundry. All of my points lead back to neglect from my mom during abuse I couldn’t get full help for from anywhere else. I didn’t successfully write myself an essay on why I’m unlovable when I need help, I just emotionally-academically proved to myself that I deserved better than that and that I’m really just fortunate to be as loved as I am now even if it’s impossible to comprehend at times. It was like reading from my elementary school journal, heartbreaking. It gave me reason to embrace my supports fully. 

Anyway, allow someone to do you a favor and justify your own skewed reaction like a persuasive essay on paper. It winds up making unexpected better points. Like, I have a newly optimized trigger list now that works so much better in an abandonment crisis based on that entry and reactions I never fully noticed within me. Don’t let it be an overextending favor where there’s potential for real guilt—allow something that you really would only say no to because it’s embarrassing to get help with. Read yourself try to convince you logically that you don’t deserve help. Also, if you reread your writing in a silly voice, those conclusions you jump to suddenly don’t bear quite so much weight. My therapist will have a field day with this. 

Hope you all have a stable and manageable and supported Friday!