Hi!

For me, I seem to live on a continuum of shut down. When I’m not in the void, I experience very few feelings other than breakthrough panic (about future voids, about my future, about my problems that don’t seem to have solutions and that eleven years of therapy haven’t helped). I don’t have any intellectual interests or hobbies. It’s hard for me to pass the hours of the day. Nothing seems to feed me. I try not to but have not much to think about other than all my problems and how there’s no cure for this disorder and how I’m not on a path to recovery from chronic feelings of emptiness and boredom and there doesn’t seem to be one. 

When I’m in the void, I go to the far end of this continuum. I feel full of despair, excruciatingly empty, completely hopeless and helpless, terrified of my life ahead, and completely apathetic to everything I do and experience. 

How can I cope with that state? My mind just goes to non-stop desperate suicidal ideation. What are tools, skills, activities, mantras, mindsets, sources of strength that help you through and ease those symptoms?

Is there a way to avoid that state?

How do I build a life worth living when I have no interests - tried so many hobbies, tried to get into reading about different things, used to have a bunch of friends around but I don’t anymore because I had to move to a different state to live with my mom because of my poor mental health but even when I’d visit with friends, I’d seem to feel nothing.