TW: suicidal ideation, abuse


I had a traumatic childhood that gave me chronic depression, anxiety, and PTSD.  Originally, before I began my junior year of high school, I had a plan to kill my abuser then kill myself. I never went through with it, it was never the right time or I’d suddenly have a good month or so and throw the plan out or postpone it. But it would always circle back.

Now I’ve graduated college, I’ve been unable to find a job, my long distance partner of 3 years has moved to be near me and has struggled severely finding housing, and I am simply unable to get my foot in the door to begin my career. The dance of networking and hiring is something so foreign and difficult to me, and everywhere I apply to I’m either ghosted or rejected.

I’m now at a point where my partner might be homeless, my dad is stressed, and I’m getting nowhere with my stupid expensive degree. The thoughts have always remained, when I struggle or when I succeed I think back on my plan. But now it’s too late.

I’m in a committed relationship where my partner moved across the country to be with me, my dad spent thousands of dollars to get me this degree, and I’m just stuck here unable to do jack shit for either of them. If I had gone through with my plan, then no money would have been spent, my partner would probably have found someone else nice, and I’d be either in prison for the rest of my life or in the ether. 

I know I’ll be told that I’m valuable and my family and friends would have felt a loss without me, but I know the hits they’ve taken now are worse than a funeral and some grief counseling. I’m truly useless. And my abuser roams free. She’s out there somewhere lying and manipulating and I could have done ONE impactful thing and killed her. Now all I have is regret and obligations.