It’s funny because I’m sitting here at an abandoned psychiatric center/asylum...

I sort of regret ever seeking psychiatric help. At the moment it feels like all my problems have been multiplied by medications these ‘doctors’ have thrown at me like candy. 

Started 4 years ago exactly, went to a therapist (who wasn’t taking insurance so it was a pretty penny...) who gave me some encouraging words and told me it was gonna be all better...at the same time went to see a psychiatrist for his opinion and he decided to throw Zoloft and Klonopin at me after a 1 hour meeting. I even protested the klonopin a bit because of what I’d read online but he convinced me not to trust what I read online because ‘it’s a bunch of psych patients writing reviews, of course they’ll be biased’

Went on to my senior year of college with dampened anxiety, what you’d call GAD...things were going a little smoother than they had gone in the past 3 years subjectively. As time went on though anxiety and depressive episodes began to return. Psych insisted I stay on Zoloft despite my opinion it felt like it wasn’t actually doing anything...so we upped the dose at his recommendation and I kept on it, and didn’t suspect anything of the Klonopin. However the psych told me to start taking the Klonopin every day later that year. 

Things start to get fuzzy after that but I had started a freelance business after school with dreams of making it big (drone photography/mapping/cinematography)...was fun and felt somewhat fulfilling the first year or so...but things started getting confusing. Luckily I was able to make it through an MBA program while working on that business but I should’ve been pushing myself harder...

I was self medicating at the time with cannabis- at points became a bit of an evening habit. I was transparent about the habit with the psych and he didn’t have too much of a problem with it but encouraged me to eventually try for moderation/less use.

That same psych: ‘can’t believe I didn’t notice it before, considering cannabis is dopaminergic...I think you’ve got adhd!’ So he threw me on Vyvanse which at higher doses made me feel not so awesome but at lower doses felt pretty good.

In hindsight the stims were the drug with the most benefit, but I still continue to question whether I’m just humoring an amphetimine addiction or if I really need it.

Anyway another year passes and the weird depressive symptoms are only increasing...we go up to 200mg of Zoloft and at this point (like 2 and a half years since I started seeing him) thinks I should just go ahead and take 2 benzos a day...

Now at this point my memory is a bit fuzzy but he decides to jump ship and move down to North Carolina so he’s telling all his patients to find new facilities...at the time I’m feeding the benzo tolerance so I didn’t care at all- was blissfully unaware of what effect the Klonopin was having on me...

I end up at a local university hospital inpatient program. I wind up with a new clinician (not more than 5 years out of med school) who reports to a senior clinician. They think ASD might be the reason I’ve had anxiety all this time...after doing research they may be right- high functioning ASD...the one benefit from these 4 years of hell is knowing this *may* be what’s been causing my angst, especially prior to meds.

They decide to take me off the (1mg) Klonopin and the Dexedrine at the same time- with no guidance on taper. In hindsight this is what’s called a rapid taper in benzo world...I.e a world of hurt

I then entered the worst phase of my life, topped off by the psychiatrists denying I am feeling what I’m feeling. They’re impression from ‘medical literature’ is that benzo withdrawal only lasts 2 weeks. LOL. This is where I begin to lose faith in the psychiatric establishment because there’s literally hundreds of thousands of hits online saying the opposite, all with the same story of doctors dismissing their patients.

First 3 months were physical and psychological hell- worst anxiety and depression of my life plus the shakes of a heroin addict, mixed with the angst of a coke addict. I couldn’t answer phones, texts or emails, let alone the front door without having a near panic attack. Became extremely agoraphobic and had to take a *hard* step back from the business because I just was not functional whatsoever. 

Weeks turned into months, and now months are about to turn into a year since the withdrawal period began. I went 6 months without any real improvement, I’m “fortunate” enough to still with my parents to fall back on them but now I feel incredible anxiety about the position I’ve been thrown into. I still have huge setbacks every couple weeks (especially as I SLOW taper my way off the Zoloft, I’m thrown back Into the feelings from the worst of the Klonopin withdrawal for a few days or more with each dose reduction)

I get it, I didn’t have to take the medications, it was ‘my choice’ but honestly at the time it was more trusting these doctors knowing what they were doing, expecting them to have best patient outcome as their objective, not just trying to treat acute anxiety.

I wish my first doc just told me to go exercise, meditate, and eat right. Now I have MUCH worse disabling anxiety and depression than what I first had. On top of that my memory has gone to shit, I’m unemployed and lost, emotions are returning more confusingly than ever, and it’s been months on months (going on 12) of waiting for my brain to heal.

TLDR; I wish I never tried any psychiatric meds, I am pretty sure I’m in a much worse position 4 years in now because of them and I want others to consider their lifestyles before jumping on a pill. ESPECIALLY Benzos on the regular, they rip shit up in the brain.