I have constant trouble sleeping. I can barely ever get sleep unless it’s on the weekends. Then, I sleep for 10-12 hours or more. I don’t feel well rested unless I sleep for this amount of time. I’ll wake up after 9 or 10 hours or so and then just go immediately back to sleep because I don’t want to face my problems or most of life in general. I usually repeat this process multiple times a day.

Half a year ago, I had a girlfriend, a promising future, a good circle of friends and lots of free time to do whatever I wanted to. It wasn’t perfect but it was such a bright and hopeful time in my life.

Now, my life is grey and bland. I am terrified of doing even the most menial and basic tasks. I wish I could just sleep for as long as possible. I don’t want to live nor do I really want to die. I sometimes cut myself just to let my emotions out. I can never cry. I wish I could cry. I’m just hollow.

I want to be embraced by someone and feel like things are going to be okay but that won’t happen any time soon. The people I’ve loved have either left me or I pushed them away myself. I am crippled by guilt from the way I have treated people. I turned my back on one of the kindest, gentlest people I’ve ever met and now they hate me and I haven’t spoke to them since. I apologised to them but I still feel guilty. I doubt I’ll ever speak to them again because they still hate me. Why can’t I feel at peace? What’s the point in living when I’m just an outsider, a shell of a person? I long to be held again abs to feel loved but I can barely utter some basic sentences to people who I don’t already know. 

I wish I could let it all out through tears instead of my own blood, but I can’t. I wish I could just sleep for a long time. Sleeping is literally better than reality at this point. Sometimes I dream that someone loves me. I don’t know why I bother anymore. My life is practically a horror show or a tragedy. It’s like some twisted joke or some harsh karmic punishment is being inflicted upon me. I can’t go on much longer like this.