i used to be a part of a group of online friends on, we had a chat and talked a lot, occasionally played some games together. we were friends for almost a year before they decided to drop me because i had hurt a few of them, mostly because of my triggers and anger outbursts while gaming

despite my best effort to reach out to all of the people i hurt and apologize to them, to this day they’re stalking my social media accounts and talking horribly about me on their social media (publicly), doxxed me, nearly outed me, told me to die despite knowing about my suicide attempt, and spread completely false lies about me (calling me horrible things like a predator, abuser, etc.) to their thousands of followers

at this point i don’t know what to do. i even switched online communities multiple times but they find me and start harassing me no matter how many times i make a new account and try to avoid them. i’ve not been able to look at anyone as a friend anymore because i’m afraid of them abandoning me if they heard the horrible made up lies or because i’m able to somehow convince myself that everyone i talk to is a secret spy for those people and is leaking everything i say to them so i end up distancing myself and then feeling awful and depressed because i’m lonely and i just can’t stop thinking about how i should just die like they told me to because i really am worthless and bring nothing but hurt to everyone.

but do i seriously deserve this? i’ve done nothing but acknowledge what i did and do my best to apologize and improve in my new friendships so i don’t hurt more people. why am i put through so much panic, pain, anxiety and loss because of something i never had full control over? they knew i had bpd, they knew i don’t have access to therapy or drugs to help me. why are they doing this to me a year later? how do i stop them? they won’t talk to me, they won’t believe anything i said and people just blindly listen to them because they’re the “victims”. i’m sorry for such a long post i’m even afraid of them finding me here and making fun of me again but i’m losing grip of myself and my little happiness