We all know the crippling loneliness, so I won't elaborate. My issue is that I don't want new friends. I have my kid and his dad, who is my favorite person and romantic partner, and I don't feel like I need anyone else. He's worried about me, because I don't have a support network outside of them and my therapist, which is a valid concern because im still kinda unstable mentally. The favorite person stuff and my jealousy (and want for attention) is also increasing, which is distressing for both of us but for different reasons.

 But if I go try to make friends now will I be making them because I want friends, or because I want my partner to be happy, and to ease his worry for me? I'm left with the feeling that I should *want* make friends. 

I've never been able to keep friends in my adult life. My most recent friendship attempt was last year, and like most of my former fp's he moved to a different state. I'm not saying him or my other fp's left the state BECAUSE of me, but the coincidence is hilarious. 

I guess I just don't want to put in the effort to attempt another friendship only for it to fall apart again. And outside of that I guess I just don't see the point anymore? Nobody wants to hear my talk about my plants or a rad bug I saw, I've never made a friend that I felt comfortable going to for serious things like mental health breakdowns or meaningful advice. My gender and sexual identity are a little complicated, and a lot of people are like... turned off when they see that my kid is one of the biggest parts of my life and that I put a lot of time, effort, and energy into raising him; which is embarrassing for them. 

On top of all this I have a disorder that makes maintaining relationships a challenge, like I am GOING to lash out at some point or another, and even after apologizing and explaining and feeling shame and vulnerability they abandon me anyway because "toxic traits are toxic people" or whatever. 

It's frustrating because I know exactly how much work is required to maintain any type of relationship (including friendships), and I always feel more willing to work through disagreements or hurt feelings than the other party is. It's not like they're perfect and don't last out/ get angry with me too, yet when I do it it's grounds for abandonment. 

This got longer than I intended. TL:DR I feel like I should make friends bit don't want to because people suck.