I'm a 29 year old male. Suffering from PTSD, BPD, and the many symptoms that come along with it.  Over the last 15 years I've wanted to die.  Every day I wake up sweating from nightmares. Most of the time watching my friends die in my dreams (comes from the PTSD). Currently going through a divorce. I lost my job. 95% of my time is spent alone.  It's killing me.  I hate my life so damn much.  I'm nearly 30 my life's half over and I've no education.  No job.  No kids.  No friends or family.  Nearly everyone I loved has died or ghosted me to entirely.  Before my spouse left a few months back I weighed myself 195lbs oof I was at least healthy.  Today I weighed in at 115. I lost all interest in food. I feed my cat better then myself.  I bought a gun at an online auction a little over a month ago and I planned on ending things. What's the point in living if I can't find happiness in life.  Ever since I was a child all I ever wanted was to be happy.  I didn't know what I wanted to do for a career I never had the opportunity to build one. I was homeless and forced to drop out of highschool.  I've scraped by for the majority of my life with help from friends I've met throughout my life.  Today I grabbed my phone to look for someone to talk to and realized that everyone was either dead or gone.  I don't have a car. I'm a loser and a waste of space. My brother was killed when I was a child.  Lately I've felt like it should've been me and not him.  Maybe he would've succeeded in life where I've failed.  Idk I'm writing this cuz I have so much pain and sadness inside. I've begged friends and family that I have left for help.  I guess I don't matter enough to those in my life.  I really feel like I should just pull the trigger.  I have an interview today in 2 hours and I'm so depressed I cant even get out of bed.  I wish i could close my eyes and peacefully pass away in my sleep.  I wanted to do it with nitrogen gas but that proved too difficult to get.  After watching my friends all blow their brains out I have a hard time holding a gun.  I can't hold a job for longer than a month or two. I can't trust anyone because my brain won't let me I just overthink it and psych myself out.  I doubt anyone will really give a shit about me or if you do it's because you know what this feels like and if you understand how this feels I'm so sorry.  I wish i could give you advice on how to fix this but I cant even take care of myself.  No insurance no help from anyone.  I really just wish I could end my suffering now.