By this time I imagined I'd achieve the following:

&amp;#x200B;

\- academic carreer, probably working on my PhD by now

\- full financial independence

\- lasting relationship, possibly planning to start a family

\- friends, meaningful relationships, plenty of international experience

\- being good at a chosen sport as well as excelling in other hobbies

&amp;#x200B;

ALL of this would've been possible. And I achieved virtually none of it. I was an excellent student in high school, but I had underlying psychological problems my environment wouldn't notice. My life stopped working in my late teens. I had certain maladaptive patterns and self-destructive beliefs and whatever I started I couldn't motivate myself to do it. I didn't feel 'myself'. With every year I became more lost. I kept telling myself to just wait for it and ask for help, things will improve and when the time is ready I'll return to my normal self. This is the thought that kept me alive.

People see that I started working and they don't seem to understand this about me: I'm NOT done studying and in fact I feel that I haven't even started it. This is not 'it'. This is just a trial version of me, until I find my true self and then I'll put all my efforts into it and I'll be finally who I am meant to be.

This is what I keep telling myself. I know I am better than this. If I had stayed on any course I started I'd be assistant professor by now. That would be my best version, the one that doesn't worry about everything, that doesn't distrust life and people and the future, the one that has faith in himself. 

&amp;#x200B;

And I'm hitting 30 now and with every day passing I am wondering if any of this is true. If it could've been otherwise. I feel weak. I feel my identity shattering. Deep down I feel that this all has to do with my family and my being scared to cut my bonds with them and start my own life.  


This is not me. I no longer no who I am, because my identity should consist of the things I have achieved and fought for, and I haven't done any of that and I am 30 now! I am an adult, no longer a promising student and yet I still feel like one. I am not ready to accept it and say that this is me, I haven't become a renowned specialist of anything, I haven't got into academia, time to settle down and find my peace. I can't. I'd rather kill myself because I can't live with the thought that I know I could be successful have a carreer and I ended up in a shitty place.   


And yet when I have a chance I still don't feel I am at my proper place. I think I acquired a very-very safety-centered thinking pattern and started to question my own qualities as a young adult. It's the same with relationships. Whenever I got close to having a meaningful one, my "this is not the best you can do, this is not her and not you" mode turned on and we started to grow apart... for that reason I am pretty much like a kid with regards to experience.   


I can't live like this. Please help me. Please tell me I can make up for all of it and I can still be who I meant to be. Please tell me I can still have an academic carreer. I am so scared. This can't be it. This can't be all I am. I don't wanna die but I feel more and more unstable every day.  


And I can't tell this to my friends. It would be too much for them. This is not how they know me.