(25,F) My mental illness has cost me so much, particularly financially. I have abandonment trauma, have had many adverse childhood experiences and I have depression and anxiety.

I always struggled academically. In high school, I barely graduated. Going home to so much stress every day made it impossible for me to conceptualize any academics or what my future would look like. I could never imagine myself getting older for some reason, so by the time that I got to college, I picked English as my major because that was the only subject that my brought me happiness. Until it didn't, and I mentally couldn't focus on my school work anymore.

It wasn't until I took my first Psychology 101 class that I truly found something that made sense to me (I now realize that I enjoyed Psychology so much because I had such an overwhelming desire to be able to analyze myself, because of my trauma). I changed my major to Psych, and powered through 2 whole years on campus before I nearly failed out of and got kicked out of my college. I managed to go home and try again online for about one semester until I just couldn't do it anymore. My brain literally would not allow me to sit and force myself to study and focus on anything at all. Overall this cost me over $20,000 + interest.

Fast forward to now, I'm 25, and have no direction in life other than chasing a dream of becoming licensed in real estate, that only felt possible to me in the first place because I knew I could complete my online education at home and on my own time (and work around my fluctuating mental health issues). I passed the course, but that cost me another $1,000, and I still have to take one more exam to become licensed. I naturally love helping people, and do genuinely feel that I can be successful in the real estate business. However, now I have to torture myself mentally just to bet my career on a licensing exam. If I don't pass my licensing exam, I will have failed myself yet again. I am broke, broken, and spiraling into wondering how in the hell I let myself get to a point where my trauma has cost me absolutely every bit of sanity or happiness that ever existed within me.

Reading this as I write, I know that I sound lazy and as though I haven't tried hard enough. Mentally though, it kills me knowing just how much I have struggled with just existing and following through with basic things. Its as though for years, I have become lost in my own brain.