I’m done with life. I give up. I haven’t been diagnosed but I’m convinced I have OCD and I’m going crazy cos of it. I have this obsessive thought that I have right now that I can’t relief or get rid of no matter how much of the compulsions I do and bc of this, I felt the most suicidal today. 

I’ve been researching abt ways to kill myself and the most painless (which is helium tanks). After seeing some aftermath images of helium tanks suicide here on reddit, the after math images I saw rlly haunted and traumatized me tbh and made me not want to go thru with the helium tanks suicide method (even tho helium tanks r painless, those after math images of real life helium tanks suicide traumatized me). Now I feel more shit that I can’t escape this reality by killing my self bc I was convinced helium tanks was the way to finally end my life, but after seeing those traumatizing images, I can’t bro. I have no way and now have to endure this reality with my mind and OCD killing me. 

I’m more depressed now cos of my mind. I’m struggling and I’m only 18 bro, I’m so young. I’ve been suffering in my head ever since high school where the symptoms of my OCD started when I was at 14. Although I was never bullied in high school and I was considered to “fit in” the high school norm, this makes me feel guilty cos then why am I complaining and being petty if I was never even bullied or had a traumatizing experience in high school? it’s me that’s bullying myself. Ever since those yrs, I grew hatred for myself especially my mind cos of these intrusive thoughts. I can’t even find a therapist or anyone near my area. I can’t ask my parents or anyone in my family cos I haven’t came out yet since I’m gay and the majority of my OCD thoughts are related to me being gay. 

I need help guys, I feel like I’ll be suffering for the next few yrs while I put a happy mask on again. I’ve been doing that for the past four years as I mentioned and idk how long I can take. I don’t wanna exist but I’m scared of killing myself and the pain of going through it. I just wish there was a button to press that can erase me from the world. A button that can end my life. I’m so tired.