It started about a year and a half ago. I don’t know why I think it was social difficulties I was having when I was 15. I turned to video games to ease my pain in the real world. It slowly developed over time and I became more invested and emotionally happy when playing video games or on the internet. It has continued to this day and every day of the journey I have been completely conscious of what has been happening to me. I have spent probably all of the last year of my life focusing on how to get out of this cycle. It has gotten to a point where I am so disconnected from the real world that I don’t recognize myself in the mirror. It feels like me or anything else in the real world is fake and I’m living in a dream. When I am on the internet I feel like myself and think like myself. At this point everyday I wake up and try to force myself to live real life. I try to do my homework every morning and each time I fail miserably. I truly feel like everything around me is false including myself. I have no emotions towards anything or anyone in life for that matter because it feels to me like everyone is empty. I only keep living because of the hope to feel normal again one day and have some sort of emotions towards anything. I want to feel like the world is real again. Over the past week this fight has become so much more difficult. Whenever I try to be present in the real world I end up wanting to kill myself. I haven’t done my school work in two weeks and everyday my parents yell at me not realizing what I’m experiencing. At 17 with so much of my life ahead of me it is logically a stupid idea to kill myself, but no matter how much determination I have to fix myself, I always find myself powerless. I’m only continue to live because I hope that this could go away and I could live a real life. It’s beginning to seem like a more and more distant possibility. At this point my day looks like this. I wake up and try to do my homework. I freak out and am unable to do any of it. My parents yell at me. I tell them I’m going to play soccer at the field. I take my car blast music and just drive highways going 100 and I cry and I think about killing myself. Each time I want to drive my car into a tree off the highway but I can never bring myself to do it. Eventually I calm down and come home. Then the cycle starts again the next day.  I don’t feel like myself anymore and everything feels like a dream. I can’t recognize my own face and my hands don’t feel like mine. If things keep getting worse I will probably kill myself. 


If anyone knows what’s happening to me I would greatly appreciate insight or help if some sort.