This may get buried but I don’t really feel like I have anyone to talk to and at the very least this will help me get my thoughts out of my head. 

Last night my husband snapped at me over something dumb. Without any context as to why he was upset, I’m snapped back because it seemed unwarranted and I don’t appreciate being talked to like that without reason. For some reason, during our drive home I kept getting more an more upset about this which led to a thought spiral about how I was a terrible person and a failure. 

I’ve worked on my anxiety a lot over the years, so I’m very aware of when my behaviors and thoughts are anxiety driven and I could tell that was the case here, so I decided it was likely better for me to just go to bed and chat with him in the morning. 

Well this morning he woke up and decided to head to his moms for breakfast, which I was already invited to. But he didn’t say anything to me and assumed I was still mad and didn’t want to come. I was really hurt by this. 

Now, I’m not ridiculous enough to not realize that a lot of this is boiling down to poor communication. It happens to the best of us, but for some reason I was much more upset about this than I normally would have been. I told him I’m a not so nice way to just leave since he obviously didn’t want me to come. At first he did, and I just started crying because I was extremely frustrated with not being understood (which is partially my fault, I’ll admit). 

He tried to come in and talk to me a few minutes later, saying that he thought I didn’t want to come and that it wasn’t always his responsibility to be the first one to start a conversation after an argument. Definitely true. I just didn’t know how to start it. Well, I clearly wasn’t over  negative anxiety thought patterns from the night before and just started rambling about my frustrations with the argument the night before and then, of course, all these negative thoughts I had which very likely didn’t make sense to him because of course they’re illogical. It just got out of control and I had a huge panic attack, making him very frustrated and he just left. 

Now I’m not saying either one of us is individually responsible for the escalation of things. He shouldn’t have snapped, and voiced why he was frustrated more effectively, and I could have talked to him more calmly from the get go about the way I was feeling. But I just get so fucking annoyed that no matter how much I try to talk to him about my anxiety he doesn’t get it. He’s seen me freak out enough that he should know what’s happening, and instead he just gets more mad at me. 

I feel ridiculous and childlike for the way I act during my anxiety attacks even though they’re difficult to control. I’m just frustrated that after years of working on this, it still happens. 

I don’t mean to make my husband sound like an uncaring or unsympathetic person. On the contrary, he’s normally very supportive and listens to me. I know it’s probably overwhelming from his perspective, but it’s so difficult to explain why or how I get this way because I’m also fully aware of how illogical I am once I calm down.

I just don’t really know how to make him understand more effectively what gets me to that point as sometimes I’m not entirely sure myself aside from the fact that it usually stems from arguments (probably childhood trauma from divorce). Some arguments I handle like a fully functioning adult. Others I have a panic attack. It’s like flipping a coin and wondering what way my brain is going to react. 

If you read this far, thank you. Just writing it out made me feel better. Would love advice, but if you don’t have any I appreciate you even taking the time to read it all.