\-this could be triggering-

&amp;#x200B;

I live in a small town in a developing country and this place isn't very safe for women or kids, I have stayed inside the walls of my house/room for pretty much since I was 11/12. I did go out occasionally like for shopping and visiting relatives etc, but those trips were very limited and mostly I have become used to not meeting people. I, fortunately, went to a good school and this is my last year here because from next year (if things go back to normal here) I will be able to go to university.

Earlier, before lockdowns, when schools were open, the school used to be my portal of interaction with real people outside, now for over a year and a half, I have had no such interactions apart from 3-4 I might have had here and there, I already suck at interacting with people and have always feared teachers and that I may say something stupid and make the situation awkward, so the long break from interaction with anyone but my immediate family- mostly my mom and brother, hasn't helped.

Even though I want to do something in life, the thought of being on my own and going to college, and living separately, and most of all, having to interact with new people or teachers or students, or even being in a place where you can be looked at by others horrifies me. I am ashamed to admit that I never thought I'd have to do it, I'd have to go out and have a life, I always thought I was incapable, I have passions and I really want to be freed from here but I just can't fathom how ill survive out there.

I already have too many bad experiences in life which i still antagonize myself on and cry at nights thinking about, and I'm afraid i will add more of them if I try to have a life. Because many people, except for some exceptionally kind ones, don't like me after they get to know me. I cannot be myself around people, I have to hide a lot of things from them, like the conditions I live under, and I just feel that no one outside will be able to understand why I'm like this.

This and the whole covid situation combined makes me hopeless about the future, I feel like i don't wanna do it anymore, at the last step and I am wondering if cutting off my hair will help, I don't know if i really want to have a life outside or not. because its something i have no clue about. I do have a little support system outside, my sis and her boyfriend, they might help me, but without them i don't know if i can function independently.

i did seek therapy a few years ago, it was but had to stop it in the middle because my therapist was having some problems in her personal life, and then i couldn't get myself to contact the therapist again because i felt bad and didn't want to waste my parents money on something i didn't even know if it was real or not. 

I currently cannot go to therapy because life is going to be very busy for the next few days and I'm still stuck at home.

If you guys have any such similar experiences and you made it please share them, I just want to know if things are ever gonna be fine for me.