
Hello!

I'm sorry this is going to be really long, but I really need help and I thought I had to write everything I am going through to get the right help.

I(F27) was with my boyfriend(M29) for 1.5 years after which we started facing certain issues in the relationship. I started feeling like he does not like me anymore and I strongly believed it was true on many days. This led to me letting him know how I felt and he initially took it well and assured me it wasn't the case. But it did not end, I kept having these strong feelings and emotions. At one point, he broke and said he can't handle it anymore (which I fully understand now). Then I felt betrayed for him wanting to give up on me. That did not bother him (for obvious reasons - he was rational) and he left and told me there's nothing he could do (this was when the relationship was over 2 years old). I went into serious depression and was suicidal for a long time. I would lie on the bathroom floor naked with the shower running in the winter, crying for hours. I started therapy around the same time because I had never ever seen me in a state like that and I could not believe that I could do that to myself or to him, because even on my worst days when I accused him of not loving me, I knew I loved him. He said we could work on our relationship a few months later, and I tried my best to do everything I could, but my pattern continued and I felt helpless because I could do nothing to stop it. I'd have an episode that sometimes lasted for hours, sometimes for days or a week. I knew it was making him miserable and I did not want him to go through that. But I was scared of being alone in my head with all the darkness, so my selfishness led me to hold him back. But at one point, he gave up and said enough is enough and walked away. All this while I was still continuing therapy with not much help. I'd tell my therapist what I felt and there was never a suggestion/ advice on how to navigate/ overcome these thoughts/ how to handle these emotions, etc. I was doing the best I could when still with him - like going to a different room when I overflow with such negative and scary thought and do something else. But somedays, I genuinely could not control it and I'd take it out on my currently ex bf. At one point, I was able to convince myself that he deserved better and I have to let him go and stop chasing after him. I did that (of course, he initiated it).

I also wanted to mention that I've never had any close relationships. I have quite a few friends, but I consciously try not to get very close to them, share very little with them, so they are more like acquaintances. My relationship with my parents isn't great. I strongly feel my dad also is BPD, because since the time I remember, I've been seeing his outbursts and inability to manage his emotions, especially anger. I'd even go to the extent of saying that I was scared most days of my childhood because I couldn't predict what mood my dad would come home with, how he'd react to anything. Honestly, I'm still scared of having a conversation with him, because it will either end up in him ignoring me (which I desperately hope for) or him criticizing me for something. I hadn't talked to him for about 6 years until after the break up with my boyfriend, when I realised I might be pushing everyone out of my life and need more people, so I called up my dad and told him I did not want a bad relationship with him and apologised in case I did anything wrong. He obviously was angry and criticized me for keeping away from him. (My relationship with my dad is still bad, even after my apology for nothing). In truth, I never pulled away from him, I just stopped entertaining what he always did to me. Once I did not go back to him and apologize to him after he had an episode where he shouted and criticized me, and the relationship wore off. It felt liberating. And I knew that's how my boyfriend must have felt when we broke up.

The worst part is that I understand everything in a rational manner on most days. But once a week or once in a couple of weeks, I have these episodes and I can't think rationally. Even if I try hard to overcome these thoughts, it doesn't at all work.

In the meanwhile, after the breakup, I've been distracting myself with more exercise, work, TV series, etc. I was slowly getting a little less miserable. But a couple of days back, I was diagnosed with BPD. I read extensively about it and I completely relate to what people say they feel and go through during these episodes, and it's scary that it can't be cured. Depression and anxiety is back and I'm finding it hard to cope with the news right now. Maybe my therapist will help me with the right treatment (although I have been reading that BPD can't be cured).

Am I never going to have a good relationship like the internet suggests? Is there anyone here with who has managed to control their thoughts, emotions and managed to be happy in a relationship? Or is any of you here dating/ married to someone with BPD and is happy in the relationship?



TL;DR! - Recently diagnosed with BPD. Had a really bad breakup. Here to find out if anyone with BPD has managed to have a successful relationship.