I have been struggling my whole life with self-esteem, confidence, trust issues, depression and over thinking.

For me it started with the fact of knowing that my biological father was cheating on my mom before I was even a month old, and that of course led into a divorce.

My stepdad raised me since I was a baby to who I am now. But I always felt like I didn’t have a dad, even though my biological father claims he loves me, I find it so hard to be true since he cheated on my mom and I, and is now currently still married to the same woman he left my mom for. 

But ever since I’ve been young and even still to this day, I ALWAYS try to say what I feel people want me to say. I always want to be the nice guy. The caring guy. The guy you can come to, to protect you and have your back. I never gave up on anyone in my life, and I never wanted friendships/relationships to end because I believed it would work out. I have been lied to, and beaten down by a lot of things from those relationships, and allowed them to pass because I knew they would work out. I feel like since I’ve been sooooooo nice and too nice, people walk all over me.

The past two years of my life have been the worst years I’ve ever experienced. When the pandemic happened, my mom and stepdad where arguing a lot, and this resulted in my mom having a full mental breakdown.

My moms episode was so bad, she would lock herself in the room from my sister and I, and just cry In there all day. I felt like I was going ti lose her, when we checked her into institutions and hospitals for treatment. But she didn’t get better for 6 months. And you can’t imagine being isolated inside for a year, and not knowing if your mom will ever be the same again or come back at all.

The next year, I broke up with a girl I loved and was seeing for just over two years. We called it quits and she said “she wasn’t ready for a relationship.” Her way of saying she didn’t want to be with me anymore. I was broken and so mad with those feelings of losing her.

I haven’t had a girlfriend since. I struggle with approaching women because I feel like a pervert, and when I try to be nice on any date I go on, they say no to continuing as a possible couple. I feel like any girl doesn’t want to be with me because I feel like I’m not a good looking guy, I don’t have a lot of money or style. I’m a pretty pathetic guy and just lame.

And all those confidence feelings started to fade, and I started to lie a lot to my friends and family about how great my life is, when I was miserable because I didn’t feel interesting or like I mattered to anyone I was talking to.

And now, the cherry on top. My stepdad and mom are about to divorce. My stepdad has been talking to multiple women on his phone, and my mom found out. My mom is not perfect either. She is really lazy, overweight, and just cries what feels like every day. And my stepdad has had enough of her saying she wants to get better but never does after her mental episode.

The truth is, I’m so angry at both of them, and I feel like my whole life is crashing into the ground. I have nothing left in my life, I feel so empty and hollow and nobody can relate to what I have been feeling for years on end. I honestly have no intentions of living, and I feel so sad. But as a man, I don’t share these emotions because I feel weak and like a pussy because I can’t figure it out. I honestly don’t know if I have any value in my life, and I have been depressed and angry. I struggle with alcohol a little just to keep me off the edge of bawling eyes out every second of the day and I stress eat a lot of Shitty food.

If anyone actually reads this, I just want you to know I need help. And I want to know why I should even bother or care. And if I wasted your time by reading this, I am so sorry.