I've been depressed since 2017 and i haven't been to a therapist or taken any meds because i can't afford it. 

Everytime, when I'm alone, when I'm thinking about my future, all I see is me stabbing myself in the neck with a knife. I can't see myself living in the future. All i know is how i would die. ***By stabbing myself in the neck*** 

I don't even mind it at all. I always think of doing it everytime. Is it normal though? Or is it became normal to me because I've been used to being depressed and being all alone?