Edit: I've deleted the exact wording of the texts because I decided it wasn't necessary to the post. Just imagine the worst and pettiest insults you've ever said while in a rage.

I'm very ashamed of myself. I know my reactions to things aren't properly calibrated to the problem at hand and I know that's because of the childhood emotional abuse and BPD but I just wish I could stop.

I also have realized I have a bit of a drinking problem.

Here's what happened: 

A few nights ago I got in a fight with my two roommates, and they were definitely unfair and rude to me (the initial moment of anger is past and I feel clear on this point). A lot of old resentments from the year we've been living together spilled out, and I genuinely do think that they were in the wrong for both screaming at me when there are two of them and one of me. You know how it feels when you get yelled at, especially when you're outnumbered, and how your heart starts pounding faster and you can only think about wanting to hurt people back for causing you pain?

Yeah, so they eventually left the apartment and I was upset and didn't have plans to go out for a few hours (it was evening) so I drank some of the alcohol I had around and accidentally got wasted and then sent them a ton of abusive texts (see above). Which is just so stupid, because even if you hate someone you shouldn't put it in a format that can easily be shared. I ended up looking so bad. 

If you send a mean text to your SO (like I sometimes do) they will either forgive you or not but they probably won't use it to trash your reputation. But I'm not even close to my roommates. I have already heard back from friends and acquaintances that they've been telling people that I'm crazy and showing people and God, I'm so embarrassed and I feel so bad. I don't want people to see these. I don't want to be seen as a crazy and vicious girl because so much of the time, when I don't feel threatened, I am really not vicious at all. 

I feel like I always end up more in the wrong even when I start out in the right. This is because whenever I am attacked or insulted it feels 100x bigger than it is, and I respond by lashing out and saying the worst things I can think of. I just keep doing it over and over though. I want to change, I have ruined a lot of relationships this way. Especially now that I've been drinking more.

I would love to hear other people's perspective so if you can relate please let me know, or tell your story.

I feel awful.