It's just in the last few months that I left a bad relationship, and found my confidence with men. I dated quite a lot, and ended up meeting someone. I now have a boyfriend and moved to a different country to be with him.

My living situation is stressful. In order to enter the country, I took a live-in position as a nanny, for which I am paid in free rent, a phone, and low wages. I am entirely dependent on my employer. However, she is very passive aggressive, and lately I have been feeling unwelcome and uncomfortable in the home. My options are limited, and abuse is prevalent in this industry, so finding a new employer is a gamble. This evening was particularly bad, and I went into full panic mode.

When I am stressed, I find myself going to men, almost on reflex. I am in love with my boyfriend, but keep texting the other men I dated this summer because I do not want to burden him with the mess that is my life. The safety and reassurance I get from men is different from the support I get from my family and female friends. And when I go to my boyfriend with these issues, he tells me to just get through it, as it is the only way we can be together right now. 

My need for support and attention has me chatting to strangers online, people I've dated, really any man that makes me feel safe. I'm not out for a thrill, I just go to the guys I know already like me and will listen. But that doesn't stop the relationships from escalating, and they are clearly flirtatious in nature. I have not cheated and don't plan to, but I know what I'm doing is weak and shady. I am in my mid twenties and have never had this kind of reliance on men, and I am taken aback by how quickly I have become addicted to the feeling. My boyfriend would leave immediately if he knew I was texting other men late at night-- and those men would leave if they knew I had a boyfriend. I just feel alone and stressed. The only time I feel I am "with my people" is when I am talking to a man. I've had the opportunity to meet new women in this city, and I just feel terrified of them. I am always either alone, or texting a man. I feel like I am living a double life, between my wholesome job and my secretive "friendships" with men.