I met this guy at work and when we first met I was mostly sober, healthy, and bordering high functioning. During one of my days of training it wad just me and him asigned to cleab an the theaters. It felt so easy to be around him and he really made me feel so special and accepted. I remember we found a half empty  bottle of wine left at someone's seat and snuck out back and chugged it. I confessed to him about how I didnt even have an Instagram and how socialy awakawrd i was. He told me a secret as well, that he was the president at our biggest community college and that as long as i stuck with him he could turn me in to someone. So he invited ne to a kick back and it was awesome. I met tons of new people and just had a great time. I really liked him.

 But then things took a turn for the worst. My grandma died, i started dating someone abusive, and then started using meth. I remember when my nana died I knew his had too just a few months before. And at work when i saw him i ran up to him anf he held me and I cried. No one else but him had been there for me or offered me that kind of understanding. I just felt so loved in that moment. But after that my social skills just started slipping. At kick backs and parties I didnt know how to blend in or socialize and it made him look bad. At one party i was on way too much meth and was scaring everyone cos I was having a massive panic attack, that was the last party i was invited too. He stopped sending me texts, he stopped inviting me over. I asked him to please sit down and talk with me, I got there and he already had a friend over. Then i found out that he had only invited me over to the smoke lounge the seek before because his friend was into me. My heart was broken. I wanted to die and still do. I love him so much and i just wanna go back to that day at work where we drank that wine and talked for hours. Now hes left me on read and his birthdays coming up and i doubt I'll be invited to his party. All I am to him his a liability now. It makes me wanna die i just wanna be able ro be held by him and to be his girlfriend. He even tokd me jokingly that hes out of my league and that I'm not hot enough to be his girlfriend. My heart hurts so much I dont know what to do anymore. I left my abusive ex in hopes of being with this guy and now I have no one. Im just this ugly socialky awkward meth addict why would someone so popular and liked by anyoje who cluld have any girl wanna be with me. I remember at one if his big parties the night before he told ke he was gonna ask a girl out. And i was dumb enough ti tjink it was me, only to go there and see it was a diffrent girl i work with. Now every day at work I have to imagine him fucking her and have to beat myself up cos of course hed fuck her and not me, look at how mcuh beteyr she is in every way than i am. I just wanna quit my job and kill myself  I'm so done wirh living this life all I wanted was ti he with him.