disclaimer- have not been diagnosed with BPD

im trying not to break the rules of the sub but i can take this thread down at any point :)

what is bpd like for people who have it? i have had past psychiatrists mention it as a possibility, but my current therapist says i definitely dont have it. she has worked with hundred of patients before so i want to trust her judgement but i am concerned. the thing is i havent opened up much to her and i lie a lot so maybe she is wrong? i definitely dont want to self diagnose because i truly dont know what its like for people who have been diagnosed to live with this illness, it sounds awful. i have the intense fear of abandonment and a favorite person, suicide attempts and self harm, idolization and devaluation that switches very rapidly and i often pick fights with friends or ghost them and block them because i hate them but then decide i need them again and love them aand it is very hard for them. i have anger issues and impulsivity. i feel like my mind (as in changing my mind), my mood and my personality are constantly shifting. i tend to say a lot of things that arent true without thinking and i say a lot of things that dont make sense. i can be slef centered but its not because i dont care about other people i love so intensely it literally hurts but i think that everything someone does is about me and i take things very personallly. then i tend to freak out and think they hate me and are abandoning me. i feel like i can be toxic and manipulative but i really dont want to hurt anyone. i just get so scared that they dont love me i freak out and act on my impulses and beg and bribe people to stay with me or freak out and push them away so i dont get hurt. i dont really get intense mood swings. im very depressed so i feel lots of negative feelings but happy isnt one of them so i guess that meas i dont have mood swings. i do shift between sadness anger loneliness and fear a lot although for the most part i feel them all at once. it feels like i am feeling every emotion in the world all at once. or i feel so empty i cant feel anything at all. with my FP my mind changes so fast. like last week i was furious and so hurt by her because i was convinced she broke a set of imaginary rules i made. then she texted me and  i felt so so happy i went from hating her to loving her completely and would literally do anything for her i feel like i need her to breathe and to stay alive and so i started denying that i was ever mad in the first place because i cannot imagine anything but love for her she is like a god and cannot do anything wrong i idolize her and love her so much it just makes me so sad that she doesnt even care about me. again i am not claiming to have bpd, i dont even know if these are symptoms, these are just expiriences in my life. from the research i have done it seems possible that it fits the criteria but i am confused by my therapist who says i for sure dont have it. maybe i will talk to her or my psychiatrist. like i said earlier a couple doctors and friends have suggested i might have it which is why i am doing some research. but i wanted to see what some people who have been diagnosed experience, i would love to hear how bpd affects you!! not looking for aa diagnoses at all, just doing research to see what its like before i bring it up to my doctor :)