I dont think I've been single in like 9 years, I will meet a guy while I'm still in a crap relationship and end it, only to immediately start talking to the new guy and carry my baggage into that relationship. The current guy I am with is amazing the way he handles me. He has no red flags. . We are very in love. But I get so depressed sometimes knowing how broken I am now. I am like hiding from him in a way.  Especially after my last 2 relationships.  My most recent ex hit me, gave me black eyes, I get vertigo now because he hit me in the back of the head so hard on different occasions. He made me go shoplifting with him, did things to me sexually while I was sleeping, tried to strangle me several times and would get on top of me during arguments and cover my mouth and nose so I couldn't breathe, he was addicted to porn, just lots of bad things. I was with him for 3 years and  I was never violent in relationships before. I'd never even had physical fights before I met that guy. I've never even been hit by another person or hit someone else even in self defense. I've always been a self harmer. (Not anymore though.) i never thought the first time getting punched in the face would be by a boyfriend who said he'd never hurt me. Anyway..now I find myself blowing up over little things and I've even hit my partner (not punching or hitting his face, usually just slap his bicep like a fucking kid but um shit. Still not okay I know) and then I feel like shit because this isn't who I used to be even with the ex that hit me I would never DREAM about hitting him because he'd straight up punch me in the face or kick me in the stomach if I even yelled at him or got up in his face. I'll bawl my eyes out and apologize to him and he always soothes me, he doesn't just take this abuse from me,, but he doesn't demonize me or call me names and he's just a literal angel sent by God.. which makes me feel. Even worse. Why has someone so amazing gotten stuck with someone who us so broken. II dont even know who I am anymore.  the guy before my abusive ex, I still am not over. The abusive ex was a rebound and it didn't work at all. Its not that I want him back I'm just still so bitter about what he did to me and it feels like a trap like I can't fully enjoy the current relationship because I'm still ruminating on how hurt I am by him. Like I'm more hurt by the betrayal i experienced from my first ex, than i am at the physical abuse of the more recent one. I feel like I am not even as sweet or affectionate  as i used to be. I have to force myself to do the sweet things i want to do.. i think subconsciously I'm afraid to get taken advantage of again... I want to be nice to him like I was in the beginning of our relationship but I am so (irrationlly) paranoid and scared he will flip the script on me and start acting cold like my exes. Im like scared to trust him I just can't stop thinking that he's going to deliver a killing blow to my heart, because I'm at the point where if he did like,, cheat or something, I'd probably kill myself. Does anyone else have an experience like this. I am hoping to go to therapy soon. He is aware I'm dealing with these things and is okay with giving me space. Breaking up is not an option and neither of us are interested in that or think it would be a good idea. He tells me that I'm not even that bad, he was with girls who had bpd that behaved much worse and in their defense he said did not handle them the way he should have, he loves me and wants to help me get better and reassures me that trauma doesn't just clear up overnight and I've been making good progress. Its a beneficial situation for both of us and our families the only thing wrong is my fucked up head 🥲😭