I currently live in a town about 3-4 hours from my hometown. For the past 4 years I go home to visit for 1 week for Thanksgiving and 3-4 weeks for Christmas. I don’t think I can come back for Christmas. 


I was already depressed because my whole life is a mess and I have a love hate relationship with my family. I think I love my dad but I also hate him so much. He made my childhood Hell with his emotional neglect and financial abuse. Now his habits as a adult disgust me to the point of hatred. He won’t or can’t go to work and has relied on me so we both live in poverty. I barely have $20 to my name and have to keep opening credit cards to pay the bills. He refuses to shower. God he smells putrid, and has the nerve to be offended because he gives me a ride home but I refuse to allow him inside to embarrass me in front of my roommates; I make him use the bathroom at the supermarket down the street and sit in the car. The house is disgusting. I have a hard time cleaning and it destroys me that I have to spend hours attempting to clean when I go home. I ask him to just keep it up; not a deep clean but a couple Lysol wipes and swiffer go a long way. I’m tired of scrubbing piss off the bathroom floor. 


But by far the worst is the pest infestation. Roaches and mice have taken over. You never know when you’ll pick up a snack only to have bite marks all over it. Or a roach will crawl up next to you. His dumbass thinks there’s only a couple you see but there’s so many more than that. We’ve always had mice, off and on since I was 12 but the roaches are new. The past two days I’ve probably killed up to 15 and I’m terrified of bugs. I’m afraid they’ll come to my apartment. I’m afraid to relax because every time I do another one comes out.


I want to kill myself. He’s disabled and I’ve decided if my brothers leave me to care for him alone I can’t do it and will kill myself. I spent my whole childhood caring for my disabled mom and now I’m spending my adulthood caring for a grown man. He’s in his 60s with Parkinson’s, he still functions, just a little shaky but idk what to do. I just don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be alive.


Christmas is my favorite holiday but it looks like I’ll be spending it all alone this year. I don’t have many friends, and my family is a mess. I fucking hate my life.