I thought I had been doing really well, but this week, I ended up slipping into total isolation. 

It may have been triggered by generally feeling low due to PMS, feeling socially drained from being around my flatmates (they never force this on me, it was just time to recharge) and a moment of perceived conflict and an overwhelming list of responsibilities that I suddenly couldn’t face anymore (and the related shameful feelings of immaturity, unprofessionalism and unreliability) of that created the perfect storm for me to spend more time in my room. 


I became avoidant and withdrawn, and that led to me feeling ashamed of how I was feeling. So it spiralled, and I found myself unable to un-paralyse myself from my bed, except for moments I went to use the bathroom or eat. 


I was on YouTube a lot - and I came across this series of videos, which documented a woman with BPD having a full introductory therapy session with three different therapists. 


That’s when I came across [the session with Dr. Lois Choi-Kain.](https://youtu.be/K1bDKTPULLU) 
Here, I learned so many things about my avoidance - which I had never previously attributed to BPD - and my tendency to isolate. 


This woman was so insightful. I thought that I had “outgrown” my BPD. I’ve been particularly proud of how I communicate with others, how I am able to use my ability to understand the person in front of me to regulate my emotional responses - especially anger - and my sociability. I’ve done a lot of work on myself, and I really thought that maybe I could put it behind me… but I was still left with a lot of neuroses that I didn’t know where to put. 


It thought - BPD wasn’t the only thing wrong with me. That there were so many extra things that needed fixing, but these things were what affected my daily functionality. It wasn’t hurting anyone anymore - but I was continuing to hinder any sort of life progress for myself. 


After watching this video, I can see how far my avoidance extends itself. I know what it’s like when rage takes over me. I know what it’s like when I feel like I’ve had an interaction that will leave a lasting impression about me on whoever I’m dealing with, that will be out of my control. 


I’m very used to not rocking the boat. Not upsetting people. Helping OTHERS when they have interpersonal issues, helping to reframe perspectives, to not take things personally, to reduce conflict. But I realise that as much as I’m proud of having those qualities, they’re also a symptom of this BPD. It’s like I’m back in the matrix again. I don’t want to feel my anger again, and I’ve learned exactly how to avoid it. I don’t want to know that others think negatively of me. I don’t want them to have “a problem” with me. So I mold myself into the thing that is kind thoughtful, considerate… but there’s still something missing. Because even with all of this - I know people enjoy their interactions with me - I’m still aware that I don’t pick up the phone, to reach out or to respond. I don’t commit to anything for fear I’ll need to pull out. I see both point of view, which to others could be perceived as fence-sitting. 


Anyway. I just wanted to share the video. The entire channel is very good - Marsha Linehan amongst other great BPD specialists are involved. I think as a resource, you should have a look.