its too fucking long and fucked up and stupid to go into but i had a suicidal meltdown bc apparently my bf and i discussed me going home after us being together for a week straight yesterday but i have ZERO memory of that conversation. i don't remember the sequence of events or what i even said but i apparently said i was gonna kill myself, which i later denied, and also slamming my head and ripping chunks out of my hair. then he had to drop me off so he could go to work. so now i'm alone after this fucking chaos and i cant talk to him til later. sorry this makes no sense i am extremely high rn and fucked in the head to begin with. i'm so paranoid hes gonna leave me even though hes continuously told me he isn't and that if he wanted to he would've already but later he wants to talk about how to fix this shit. this shit has destroyed all my relationships and i see this disintegrating and me being alone again, if that happens i'll likely for real kms. just look at my post history once a week i strongly wanna kms.  all i do is traumatize and drive everyone away, i'm a bitch and a cunt and the most self centered piece of shit you could meet. 

even now its all about me me me because i'm texting my bf while hes working to tell him about how much i hate myself and how my dad is pissed at me and i ruined his valentines day weekend by coming home. i feel unwanted everywhere and hated by everyone when in reality i;m the only one who hates me and doesn't want me. all i do is look for new ways to punish myself and twist peoples words to injure myself, then get mad and accuse them of being mean. it's horrific to see myself for what i really am, but no one else does. are they blind or stupid?  i'm a fucking monster. i think i'm evil. sometimes i even enjoy hurting those i love. i wish my mom aborted me instead of my brother. i don't even know where i'm going with this post anymore i'm so fucked up. i am haunted by my actions and words today, i feel like i DESTROYED everything good i had in my life within one fucking hour. why do i put people through this, why am i even alive anymore, why do i go on? i'm turning 27, no job, no degree, no motivation. the only thing i have any positive view on is my looks. all i am and have is my beauty and that will rot as years pass. the only good thing in my life is my boyfriend and i feel like all i do is torment him. i am such a piece of shit as i'm sure you can surmise from everything i've written. i;m so paranoid he'll leave yet the things i do and say are what could make that happen but i feel powerless to stop it in the moment.

i have been through YEARS of therapy since age 14, been on slews of different medications, and nothing really significantly makes me better. i've seen doctors, therapists, psychiatrists, been to mental hospitals. nothing really helps. now i'm on mood stabilizers and antidepressants and anxiety meds and they put a significant dent into my bullshit but this STILL FUCKING HAPPENS. that is why i'm starting to wonder if the only real, true escape is death, but i can't kill myself because of my family... so i'm fucking trapped in torture and agony regularly. i don't see recovery happening for me. i just wanna do opiates every fucking day and shut down while my life TRULY goes to shit.