TW: Suicide/Cancer
Hi everyone, I hope you’re all doing well!♡ I’ve been going through a really rough time. I have been diagnosed with ADHD, Existential OCD, Major Depressive Disorder, Manic Depression, and PTSD but I don’t feel i’m depressed at all. I’ve suffered some major losses so far this year and i’m just a but overwhelmed. 

Last week my fiancé and I found out that his cousin who was our age, took his life. He lived states away but the boys grew up together and lived close before he left for the military, they were best friends and would talk on the phone a couple of times a month and always text. He never told us he was ever sad, it was always laughs on the phone and in person. We found out it may have had something to do with his job. It was so unexpected and we’re just taking it one day at a time. Before that, this last Christmas we took my fiancé’s grandma (she practically raised me too) to the emergency room and found out she had a Glioblastoma Grade 4 tumor, we stayed at her house and I had just got into and started nursing school about a week after she was diagnosed. While in nursing school and clinical and while she was on hospice, i was sure to always smile, sit with her, took care of her, advocate for her, and promised I would take care of the boys (my fiancé and his brother, they always fight!) and just gosh I loved her so much. She passed in March. I’m sorry, this sort of got off track!

I have always suffered with existential anxiety to the point where it would sometimes cause severe panic attacks. I reached out to my psychiatrist just saying “No pressure, totally not suicidal or anything like that- i’m just going through a really tough time and I don’t know what to do with these thoughts.” I almost committed myself to the hospital in desperation to make them stop but my fiancé said it wouldn’t be a good idea, also I can’t because school. My psychiatrist put me back on Zoloft to try to help the OCD, but i’m waiting for it to work, I know it takes a couple of weeks. I’m not really sleeping, I stay up all nights on forums seeking some sort of proof that there is something after life. I try reading articles from scientist and about biocentrism, skeptics that have had weird hauntings, different possible dimensions, I look up any new technological advancements having to do with immortality, it’s just so desperate. It’s so ironic too because I love researching morbid things and follow this awesome funeral director on Tik Tok. I’ve had the honor of being there and helping some patients and their families transition into their next stage of life- i’m not scared of dying, i’m scared of the after. My fiancé is an absolute angel, he thinks i’m silly and says not to worry because he isn’t, he’s very spiritually solid (not religious but super spiritual) and I wish I could have his bliss. My questions to anyone who has ever experienced this is does it get better? I have a therapy appointment set up this upcoming week but would it even help? It wouldn’t give me the answers to life after death so I don’t see how it could. I’m also scared if I talk to this therapist i’ll trigger her into my negative thinking and I don’t want to do that. Has anyone ever had success overcoming these thoughts? Is therapy a bust? Should I try hypnotherapy? Thank you so much for reading all of this  and for any advice or experience you have.♡