This is so hard. 
I am recently divorced after 11 years in a loveless marriage. I was too scared to leave, how could anyone else put up with this? My partner had me convinced I was just an awful person undesirable, and unloveable because of my mental illness and I was just better off staying with him and taking care of him. I finally left and of course found a favorite person immediately. I love him, but he’s not a good fit. Very non reactive, straightforward and I don’t think very emotionally intelligent. He doesn’t understand my strong emotions, and it causes a lot of stress for me. My hair is literally falling out. My BPD is quiet so I direct the most of it inwards and I’m in constant pain from the intense emotions of a new relationship. This feeling is awful. I want to literally run into the woods and disappear one minute then 30 seconds later I’m over the moon in love and want to marry this man. I hate this.