Ever since I was 9 years old, I was or am still a bit depressed. Don't want to explain as to why I've been like this for 15 years. 

But when I was going through school I was hoping to die/get killed by something. Always felt like those who died were lucky and that being alive was a curse. Since I've been asking for death for so long maybe death has passed over me more than a few times. I always feel weird whenever I hear or read on the news that innocent people die who actually had a career or a family they were building. I'm like, "why them when they're doing something useful for their lives and the lives of other people?" Becuase honestly, I have just gone through school like I said, wanting to be killed by fate. I didn't know what to do when I was in University and ended up choosing a subject that I loved which was a B.A. degree but can't really do much with it. I said to myself, "maybe I want to be a lawyer since I like researching, drafting documents, making them concise and present them to the readers or professor." I took the LSAT a couple of times, got god awful scores, never felt serious or motivated in studying for them after those tests. Again, not sure if I really want to go through with going to law school even though I have another test coming up soon. 

I'm the type of person who gets by through life by doing what people tell me to do, not voicing my own opinion. It makes my life easier in there being no conflict. 

I for some reason took a slight interest in coding right on new years day. Been enjoying it for now but worried that I might lose interest since I tend to lose interest quickly and go learn something else. 

Only thing that kept me motivated in holding onto my life is to travel to a different country that I always wanted to visit when I was in middle school, but it has been slowly waning a bit. Other than this motivation to staying alive, I really have nothing else that makes me want to push to better myself.

My "drugs/drinks" that numb the emptiness that I feel is playing videogames or watching shows. 
I guess I'm just venting. 
I hope you guys have a nice day/nice night and thanks for reading.