This is an update to [this post I made several weeks ago](https://old.reddit.com/r/BPD/comments/v85q6u/well_time_to_find_an_engagement_ring_reseller/). Lending some more insight, but this time, really seeking support.

Preface this by saying I am not going to do anything rash. And I am fortunate to have lots of friends to call.

If you don't want to read the other post: In October I met a girl through her mom at a wedding. We fell in love long-distance. Kept it up, traveled to each other a lot, and then I moved in March. We aren't engaged really, but everyone in both families assumed we would be married, she even planned out wedding stuff. I bought a ring. I planned on proposing after my friends wedding a few weeks ago because I was his best man and didn't want to take away from it.

My biggest fear entering was that this girl (we are both 30 so, woman?) was so normal and well put-together. She basically had zero experience with mental illness around her, and from an extremely good background.

Well pretty quickly things got rough. She couldn't handle my downswings, so I bottled them. I thought I could force it, planned on that before coming, thought this was finally my chance for a normal life- she owns a house, a business, wants kids, down to earth. I'm 30, I thought this is it, my best chance. I have never lived with an SO in my life. Many flings but few relationships.

And it just got so hard. And by the time I fully bought in, was fully 100% flipped that switch, only maybe a month and a half in, she was gone. I just watched her disappear from me week after week. Visibly annoyed by my presence. Barely intimate. 

She said she didn't have fun going out with me, and I am known as the life of the party among my friends. She had zero patience for me regarding basically anything. 

I had figured we weren't compatible in the beginning, I wrote about it in my journals.

ALWAYS keep a journal! I couldn't even remember how bad I thought things were until I read it. Because I completely broke-down yesterday in a full panic and had to read through them to remind myself that I probably knew this was coming. 

And initially as we had discussed taking 'space', and thinking it as a good idea, I realized she didn't want space...she wanted a full breakup. And I did what I do which is mask it with indignity, and talked myself up internally, kept things cordial, and told myself this is the right move.

I think it probably is the right move.

But right now I am devastated. I can barely think or speak. I have been drinking too much and need to stop. I have a career accelerating I have been super focused on and today I can't find the energy to do it, and I fear I'll burst into tears during my meeting. 

I tried to talk to her about us the past 48 hours, I have never been met with such coldness by someone I loved. She rolled her eyes when I teared up. Said she had been suffocating. She says she knows fully, in her heart, we are not the ones for each other.

And this relationship has been bad mostly. Just not that happy. And I tried so hard but it didn't pan out. And she said she's simple and can't handle my complexities- to me that just feels like my inability to maintain stability. 

So I am shattered. I am just so broken. And I didn't think I would be. Just tell me you've seen these before, or it's happened to you, and you're OK, and I will be OK. Because right now I have nothing inside but deep sadness, I don't know the last time I felt this bad.