I'll keep it fairly short but I am constantly battling with body image and OCD. It's ruining my life. I've got long term anxiety and depression and OCD. Whether it's important it not I'm a guy in my late 30's. 

I'm naturally a very slender guy but when I was in my mid 20's I was out in antidepressants for a few years. They were awful and have left me quite traumatised. I didn't improve but just became numb and th doctors kept doubling the dose. Eventually I decided to come off then but it took me a year to get off because of withdrawal side effects. It's a bleak, dark and regretful time in my life. I put on about 35lbs in that time and it was mainly water retention I think as my features were all puffy and fat. I have small features so I was just a chubby, round faced person for a few years. I'm a very sensitive person and already had big problems with self image so I really hated what it did to me. But I didn't tell anyone during that time that I was on medication. 

I constantly had people laughing at me and friends would comment on how fat I was whilst laughing about how shocked they were. I felt humiliated and bullied and blamed myself for taking the medication that did nothing for me.

It took me about a year to lose the weight after coming off but  I never came to terms with it. 

Unfortunately I have contradicting triggers that involve a debilitating OCD that makes me need to constantly take photos for fear of forgetting life and needing to document my time with my loved ones but also being horribly triggered by photos themselves and especially being in them. 

I've had an awful Christmas period because of these issues and I've been a desperate mess whilst ruining everyone's time around me on tears and anxiety attacks.

It made me realise again how desperately I need to sort myself out somehow. I'm so low in self esteem I can't bear to look at myself or think about my past and I don't know how to deal with it.

So I went to a NYE party tonight with old friends and tried not to focus on photos like I usually do. I haven't lived in the present because of my rumination and OCD for many many years now and I was really trying to force myself out of this pattern.

I was already feeling really anxious and awful because of this and wanting to run away. But I thought I was doing good in comparison to what I'd normally do regarding photos although I'd already spent half the night in the bathroom looking at myself in the mirror horrified about how I looked and trying to sort my awful hair out. 

Then my friend comes up to me and starts showing me a montage of photos of me throughout the years. I was instantly hit with gut wrenching anxiety and derealization. I no longer felt like I was even there and wanted to run away. I wish I'd told him to stop but he carried on and we got to the photos where I was really fat and bloated. I got all hot and faint and wanted to run away and cry. And then my friend starts flicking back and forth Cro a skinny photo to the fat photos and starts saying things like "my god you were really chunky" and "you were really fat back then". It made me feel terrible and won't leave my mind. He and they often do this and act like it's a complete surprise that I looked that way each time. I used to not say anything but have now started saying "yes I was on medication at the time that made me bloat up" but last time I said that they laughed and said "yeah right". The same thing happened tonight. But I don't want to tell them all about my mental health and medical history. I have always been uncomfortable talking about it and ended up being forced into admitting it but just got laughed at and dismissed. 

These anxieties from these situations usually last week's of crippling anxiety that leave me unable to function and I'm feeling that again now. It's almost as if my brain is trying to figure out how to 'fix' or change what can't be fixed and won't accept there's nothing that can be done. 

I'm using the 'fat' example now as it's what is happening to me currently but I have similar reactions to multiple things that generally leave me unable to function in society. I've been suicidal and a complete mess for many years and didn't work because if anxiety and depression for years. 

I'm not sure what I'm expecting to get from writing this but wanted to put it down to vent. 

Any comments or advice is greatly appreciated.