One of the things I’m always looking for is the small differences between healthy and unhealthy, which allows me more insight into my motivations, and therefore how to make the next right decision.

I recently observed in a friend one of these, and I’m trying to flush out in my head the ramifications of that for myself.  One of the things I learned long ago is sometimes the best way to know what’s going on with me is to examine It in the context of another.

My current focus is how and why we love.  I have a friend who has two different love approaches to model.  One is very altruistic (to a fault).  This person loves unconditionally, and has no problem sacrificing themselves if someone else needs something.  Because they love, they “do.”  I say to a fault, because it’s literally sacrificing, and no accounting is ever kept.  No one (other than this person, in their own head) can do wrong.  Everyone is deserving of love, and another chance.  And that is true, we are all deserving of love, but that love does not need to translate into direct action (but that will be discussed later, and is somewhat tangential).

The other example they have is the opposite.  Sacrifices are made, just as freely (and arguably even more so), but made specifically so they can be tallied.   The person is frequently a staunch advocate for themselves and uses the sacrifices they’ve made (whether asked or unasked) as justification and fuel for why they deserve to be treated a specific way.  They love deeply but view that love more as an investment to be cashed in as needed.

In watching this friend vacillate back and forth between these two behaviors, and seeing how and when each is applied, I can’t help but see shadings of both of these in myself.  

Love is the rare commodity that is multiplied when given.  When you’re in a “good” place, it’s easy to love, to sacrifice, to forgive endlessly.  I know I see that in myself when I’m dealing with a favorite person, or when I’m in a place where I feel validated and loved.  

However, love is still a commodity, and it can be easy to forget how desperate we can get when it’s in short supply.  It’s easy to forget how vicious we can turn when we are starving for love.  And I wonder how much the above drives our (or at least my) splitting process.  When things are good, I love freely.  When things are bad, I turn inward and start hoarding.  And it’s that very hoarding and keeping of accounts that leads to some of my biggest mistakes and acting out.

It becomes so easy to feel the need to stick up for myself and validate why I am unloved (even if the main person who is telling me I am unloved is me), that I end up actually preventing myself from being loved by others.

And so it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Ideally no one can ever return the same amount of love we give them, because we give love so freely.  And it’s the act of accounting that inevitably causes the books to not balance, and thus causes so much pain in ourselves.  Love we give isn’t love spent, it’s love multiplied.  But the second we start looking at what is going out vs what is coming in is the second we prevent ourselves from really loving.  

And the most important person we can love is ourselves.  And as long as we do that, then we know we will get “paid” plenty, and what others pay or don’t pay us is immaterial.  And that keeps us in the ability to love others, and to feel loved.

Now, there’s a flipside to the first case above, and that’s not loving yourself to be able to tell others no, and being able to stop giving (even if it doesn’t mean stop loving).  But I think that’s a topic in itself, and this entry is already too long. 
