Hello!

I am a 22 year old female. I'm living a pretty normal average life (but I'm actually a loser). I am currently studying in a college and my parents pay my tuition. My parents are very caring and so is my younger brother. 

It has been around 6-7 years I've been struggling to keep myself like I had been before (lively, smart, hardworking and that kinda stuff).

I've been failing classes, gaining weight, crying randomly and haven't been caring about the consequences at all.
I've been feeling like my mind is rotten and can't concentrate on anything at all. 
I've been indulging myself in sensory pleasures like binge eating, binge watching, watching porn, mindlessly scrolling through social media sites, just laying around and sleeping (the only love of my life).

Through the years I've always tried to improve myself trying to read books, listening to music, exercising, religion, finding god etc but after sometime I just find myself falling back and getting worse.
Everyday is very monotonous and I feel like I can't remember most of my life and it's been the same all along.

I've been told that I was smart as a kid who used to get decent grades, the teachers used to like me and I've always managed to make atleast 2 friends (I used to be the last priority in a group of 3 though :')). So yes, I've been pretty accustomed to being alone. 
My parents lost their 1st child so were always overprotective of me and my brother, very understandable indeed, but that had reduced my interaction with the world even more. I've always been a homebody. I haven't always hated to go out but now I definitely do.


As I grew older I learned that my mother had depression. She had struggled a lot in life. She is actually the breadwinner of our family. My father (who has a list of failed businesses), even though very loving and kind, is an immature man (he lost him mother when he was a 9 month new born). I've had to act like my father's mother multiple times since I was a child. And parents fighting and arguing until my ears go deaf and then making up is just normal, been happening everytime I've been in a good mood since I was a kid. I've also had my fair share of beatings and scoldings but I've grown now so not anymore. But then there are good aspects too, I've always had food, clothes, a home, good education, electronics, other necessities and support from them.

So I do understand some aspects of my life that could have led to me become such a loser but life isn't really that bad for me to give it up on. But here I'm ready to die everyday and trying to make sense of what led me to fall in love with death so much that I might even cheat on sleep. (Sleep is just a Walmart version of death huh). 
But I'm still in my right mind and a very loyal person.



My mom went to see the doctor recently for acidity issues. Then when she was discussing about her doctor visit with her personal therapist who is me by the way (I am my family's therapist, everyone talks to me). She bought up something about the burn marks on her body which rung a bell in my usually dull mind. 
And that night I could faintly recall seeing my mother attempting to burn herself to death in the kitchen and my father rushing to stop her. I was a kid when I watched all of this go down in front of my eyes so I still haven't been able to recall the whys, whats and hows of the whole ordeal. But it's been eating up my already shrunken brain. 

I thought of asking for a detailed explanation but I'm very afraid as my mom has been put on medication for depression and anxiety a multiple times by a general physician and I might just trigger something unnecessary. Also I have no capacity currently to listen to another sob story or stupid excuses that my dad come up with, I'd rather die. (I love my parents, my adore my dad he's genuinely adorable and my mom has my utmost respect for what she has achieved despite her conditions).


Now I might have discovered another reason for me being like I am but that doesn't solve anything at all, rather it's been bothering me even more. 
Primarily my goal had been to not kill myself anytime soon by any means, sensory pleasures or whatever but that just made me more miserable in a long run. And sometimes I sound very contradicting and stupid like right now but well it is what it is, I also want to die but I know not to kill myself and honestly I think I'm pretty much over killing myself and I've done a pretty good job and have not attempted suicide unlike my mother (and my brother too actually, but he just couldn't, he said he couldn't do it and that too required courage, so technically he tried to attempt but couldn't, he's fine since). 

I've tried various methods to get out of this rut which have majorly failed but one still remains untried and that's opening up (by the way, professional help and therapy is an option but also a taboo so that's out for sometime atleast). 

I've had many friends in my life but not close enough for me to open up. 
I am uncomfortable opening up, what if I am just an ungrateful spoiled brat who whines about petty things not knowing how much suffering life gives to other people I've never met? 
Who am I to talk about killing myself when people are dying not because they want to but because they don't get food to fill their stomachs and a house and clothes to shelter them? 
So I took my weak ass on internet to find some true friends and I made a few and ended up listening to their sob story and felt like why burden them with mine? Just to increase their sorrows? Hah! no need I'll just keep it to myself. And same goes for my family, wouldn't want to bother them. 
But where has all these considerations for others brought me? Here hah. Been tired of bottling up everything but still pathetic and so I'm still anonymous and probably will never have a name for myself because who am I to deserve such privilege? 
I realise some of my thoughts may come off as poor excuses and irrational even. But I don't know why I've been giving so much of importance to me and my feelings why can't I just open up? Some rich kids cry about not getting their favourite shoes so what is stopping me from crying about some bullshit in my life and accepting it? Am I trying to protect my fragile ego?
Whatever it is, it has never helped and never will. I hope this rant here alleviates my craving to be heard and pitied even though I don't know if anyone will read it whole haha. But even if I shout into the void, I still get to shout atleast.

I'll just wake up tomorrow feeling pathetic and try doing some exercise and drink a lot of water then try preparing for the exam I'll likely fail again. Atleast I'm trying even if not my best. I'm trying. I'll keep trying.