This past week I’ve just trying to keep myself busy, working 25 hours this week, personally a lot for me (I’m 16 and usually work a Max. Of 12 hours a week).
Because I feel like I’m suffocating in this house, I just need an escape but I have nowhere to go to or to spend the night if I feel down, I’m always trapped inside this house, I’m never allowed to go somewhere because my parents think I’m ‘too young’ to go out at night with my boyfriend. I don’t really feel like I have friends, other than my boyfriend there isn’t really anyone I’m ‘friends’ with, kind of feel like I need to but I also don’t really want anyone to hangout with because I always feel like I’m a burden to people.

I never really get invited to anything, I got invited to one birthday party when I was younger and that was because they invited the entire class, I went to a birthday party from one of my boyfriends’ friends, but I feel like he just said I could come bc he felt pity or something. I think I just missed out on a lot of social events because people always see me as weird or annoying because of my problems, I mean people aren’t blind, at first I started wearing long sleeves at my job and people kind of avoided me, once I felt comfortable wearing short sleeves at work they started to be nice to me, maybe they thought I’d cry if they weren’t nice to me or something. 

I’ve been feeling suicidal again, urges of self-harm cross my mind the entire time, starting a new therapy next week, hoping this one actually helps, kind of feel like a lost case to be honest, they wanted to put me in a psych ward at first but that would mean I’d had to stop with school and stop working because I wouldn’t be allowed to go outside and that just doesn’t sound like something I want.

I got a lot of comments I look tired or sick, I didn’t really notice I looked different or anything tho, I’ve been crying my eyes out every night for the past month it feels like, I just feel numb all the time.

I don’t really feel like I live anymore, it feels more like surviving the day really, I’m not alive, I’m just breathing, currently listening to some music writing this and just this piece of lyric spoke to me

“Yeah, late nights get the best of me
They know how to get to me
Suicide thoughts come and go like a guest to me
But I don't wanna die, just wanna get relief”
- Hate Myself, NF

This piece of text is all over the place but this is how it’s settled in my head. Big fucking chaos.