I'm 23 years old, and nothing makes me feel like I'm getting better. I've been depressed for some time now, I've talked to some people I feel like I trust and love but I feel like I'm slowly losing my love for them.  I love them, but they just do or say things that are linked to the cause of my problems. I feel like the world lost its mind and everyone is acting like all the insanity is completely normal, I know I need therapy but I'm scared I'll get a pill pusher with a degree in psychology instead of someone that will actually help. 

I only really share my problems with two people, these two people are the only reason I haven't ended it in my teens because I didn't want to hurt them since they both had loved ones go out that way and I saw how it hurt them. But as I learn more and more about them and their personal beliefs, the more I'm left thinking "they weren't who I thought they were, I hate them" and I don't want it that way. But I'm slowly losing them as the reason to keep going, I feel like I'm getting to that point were I just won't care anymore and just simply end it. 

I remember a time were I was happy, it was YEARS ago, back before middle school. Somewhere in the middle of that I started pretending to be happy to not make people I love worry, it "worked" because I used countless forms of distractions to "deal with it". I started smoking pot around 15 or 16 through a friend, it helped but I started using it as a escape instead of something fun so I stopped around 22 or so. A lot of stuff I stopped doing because it stopped being fun, it's all becoming so dull to me and I use to love these things. Even my art hobby that I want to turn into a career isn't something I feel motivated to do anymore and I hate myself for it

I don't think I can get better, I feel like I'm going to end myself before I'm 28. The worst part is I've talked and discovered so much about myself the last year or so, it made me feel like I was improving. But then it's back to that awful feeling once I start thinking about my life and other things going on, I don't feel like I really matter at all, like I'm just tolerated by everyone.

I just don't know what I should do, I'm losing the fight and I feel like I just want to lose. I don't want to hurt my loved ones, bit I'm slowly losing that as an excuse and it's scaring me