I‘ve recently forced myself to be ENTIRELY single after four years of chain dating. I used to always have a romantic, sexual partner or at the very least would be frantically searching for one on dating apps. I’m aware that my fear of solitude is unhealthy, so I’m trying to stay strong.   
That being said... 

Part of me LOVES the feeling of belonging to someone. Of being wanted, needed, and even of being used. I have a bad habit of dating incredibly attractive men who have issues (anger issues, drug addiction, unable to keep a job, etc). For some reason it feels good to be in this submissive state where I put up with someone’s shit. Im able to justify almost any fucked up thing they do. The tipping point is always when my jealousy is triggered and the rosy goggles come off. Then all my suppressed rage at all the other messed up things they’ve done comes boiling out and that usually ends that. 

Im aware that this, like most of my issues, is caused by my parents. Their neglect has left me longing for a caretaker. It makes me feel safe, even when the person I’m with is dangerous. I hate it because I AM able to care for myself. Im 19 and have a decent job that pays well, I don’t have a car quite yet but I’m saving up for one. I have my own place. I have two kittens that I take to the vet and take very good care of. So why do I still long for a man to be in control of me? It goes against my beliefs and values, I consciously don’t believe any woman needs a man. Yet subconsciously I have this urge to submit to one. I feel like I’m going through withdrawal from a drug addiction. I know that handsome (yet horrible) men aren’t good for me, but part of me misses the highs and lows. And the angry, passionate make up s\*x.   


Can anyone relate / does anyone have advice?