I don't know where else to talk about this, sorry if this is the wrong place/flair. TW: suicide mention

About 2 months ago I got out of a relationship which I am finding out now to be unhealthy (mostly because of me). And for every week of the past 2 months I have consistently compulsive texted my ex in moments of panic. I think I was hella overcompensating because every time this happens the person never talks to me again. So I would try to talk and it would explode because I never should have talked at all. Then feel guilty and just keep texting to apologize!! We talked yesterday about how we understood the relationship and we're on no contact now. I'm not blocked but if I do say anything else I bet I will be.

I'm so sick of this happening and it's set off very real, deep, terrifying emotions, but no one gets it. I don't think people know how deep the feelings are. No one understands why I feel so distraught about it. It was a short relationship and everyone has break ups. The thing is it is a very real pattern and I feel helpless to it.   

It just keeps happening and I keep coming out of the relationship disoriented and confused about who I became when I was with them and who am I now and what am I living for? It gets overwhelming. It's hard to push away the suicidal thoughts because it feels like I am cursed. I can't even tell when I'm acting out or if I'm being mean or manipulative. But I always end up bumming everyone out. This guy loved me more than anyone I've ever been with, but I still made him feel so hurt and I never even realized all the ways I was hurting him. They always say "you're always upset about something." I feel like I can't help what I feel and even when I try to hide how I feel for the most part, the times I bring it up are still too much. I'm sooo scared I can never have a genuine connection with someone because a lot of the times it feels like this is who I really am, the weepy upset thing that bums people out :(

I did okay for the most part today not thinking about him but I read some old journal entries about other FP/relationships and I hate the person I become, the way I talk about and to them. It's genuinely scary when I track this horrible person I was when I was in these relationships and I think they're so ugly. I feel like I really don't know myself but the way I've been thinking and acting is just so ugly and I'm repulsed by who I am finding at my core. I don't know what to do about that.

I know this is really dark and sad. I am okay and I'm not suicidal atm I feel safe. But thank you for reading and if anyone relates or has any advice or success stories would appreciate. Thanks for reading yall  ♥  ♥  ♥