i just need to vent somewhere

 i have a phobia to do phone calls+doctors and like i need mental heatlh help with urge since years ago but i need to take an appointment to solve the problem on first place, im tired of begging for help to familiars, im simply not valuable to anyone on this earth to come help me and i need to accept it 

 everyones always like, go see a mental health doctor! :)))))))) that easy! yea, aha sure because its that easy, im this depressed on first place bc im terrified of people and i have no family to ask for help, i cant do anything by myself im a failure i just want to cry and die 

 i can work bc its from home but money its not useful if i cant go outside to buy food and im terrified of even calling a delivery service, i cant use my bank bc im scared of calling im trapped in my room and i have no one to help me stop being this failure im pathetic i hate myself, 

all i ever asked was for someone to call the doctor service and make an appointment for me, with that id even force myself to go alone, im not even asking to take me to the doctor even tought im terrified, all i needed was someone to do a call for me thats it. thats it. im not worth a call im not. worth. a. call.

if my own family doesnt love me much less other person ever will, i dont make the rules

call me crazy stupid dramatic lazy, i dont care i have already been told all this so i wont be surprised go ahead