that I'm a severely depressed piece of shit. I'm pretty drunk right now so I'm not sure if it's truth or pity flowing freely, but I have to get it out regardless. Please forgive me and disregard if it's the latter.

To add context briefly, I've been depressed for as long as I can remember, including the sparse memories of childhood that I have. I'm almost 25, working in the field I dreamed of, and going to school to gain expertise toeverage into a sustainable career. My grades are pretty great, and my work performance is beyond what's expected, but I still absolutely hate myself.

Poor me, right? I refuse to play the victim, but I need to vent and externalize these thoughts, and I'm not sure where else to do it. I'm not going to pretend I have it worse than so many other people, but I don't know how much longer I can just march forward without someone understanding, or even just glancing my way.

I don't want to kill myself; I don't think I ever have, really. I just want things to be better; I want to be deserving of the things that happen to me. I want to see myself as something other than a selfish piece of shit who manipulates people, fakes it, and coasts his way to success. 

I've been on this line for a fair few minutes, and I don't really know how to describe what I feel, and reading what I've written so far, I just cringe. I hate the person I see in the mirror - that fake, stupid, arrogant bastard. When I look him in the eyes there's a dull ache in my spine. He's sick, he's cold, he's unscrupulous. I fucking hate him. I don't even know if I intend to be him, but it's still this body and this mind that treat people worse than they deserve and subtly push their buttons to get what I want.

I don't know what to do. When I try to focus on work and make headway, I feel undeserving and alone. When I try to reach out to the people who still hang around me, I just feel fake, unproductive, and manipulative. I don't even know what the correct feeling is, or how I would ascertain it.

I don't even know what I'm after here. I'm pretty much out of steam, and feel like I need to post before I sober up and delete everything. I don't even know what to say to connect with people; I feel like I scream into the void every day, and when I'm sober I just tell myself that's what I deserve. 

Random final thoughts, I guess. Yes, I've thought about therapy, but it would bankrupt me. Yes, I've thought about telling someone close to me how I feel, but they're generally so dim I might as well keep it to myself (pretty charitable characterization, I know). Sometimes I imagine an empty space where I can scream until I feel uncomfortable and ashamed. I don't know if that needs to be said, but I just want someone to know. I feel like I live in an envelope - everything is fake and I just want someone to know that I'm hurting.

I'm sorry for being pretentious and long-winded, I just *hurt*. I finally managed to cry for the first time in years while writing this, so I feel like there's at least something genuine here, so I don't think I'm completely wasting your time, whoever you are, reading this.