I was diagnosed as bipolar a few years ago. I thought it was fitting then, because I did have severe mood swings, sleep issues, and so forth. But I feel as if I may not be bipolar, but instead borderline. Please don’t jump down my throat, as I’m not trying to “self-diagnose”, it just seems different. I’m a 17 year old male, and they can’t make any personality diagnoses until I’m 18-20. I’ve never brought this up to any doctor, so I’m just reaching out to let people hear what I have to say.

I’ve been through a lot of stuff in life that’s left hard imprints. Not so much severe, one time events, but instead unknowingly damaging events that happened for months/years. 

I’ve always had mood swings. But the more I grew, the more I realized they weren’t typical “bipolar” mood swings. I understand there’s rapid-cycling, but that still didn’t fit it. 

I can go from neutral in a good way to violently upset or anxious with a simple sentence from someone that wasn’t derogatory/hurtful at all. It’s almost as if I split down the middle mood wise. I examine what people say to me so heavy that even the slightest things that aren’t meant to upset me will throw me into suicidal ideation or an internal rage nobody sees. It can last for a day, or for 5 minutes, then I return to normal. I’m always nervous, and I’m terrified of being left alone. I have a wonderful boyfriend that helps me so much, and the only thing I can think of is when he’ll leave me behind, how he will leave me, and so on. I never let him know this because I’ll seem looney. I’m never level headed for more than a few days. The slightest thing can send me into a fit of rage that I let nobody see, a panic attack, dissociation, or just a fit of sobbing. The drop of a pin could trigger it. I use the word “dissociation” sparingly, as I don’t experience it unless I swing (I feel nothing but an empty rage, I don’t talk, I don’t remember doing much, etc)

I’m miserable. This has only gotten worse. I know I’m only 17, so please don’t tell me that it’s just hormones. It was never this severe until the events that happened years ago. It’s only getting worse. I’m on a mood stabilizer (Lamictal) but it doesn’t do much. I feel like therapy isn’t accomplishing what I wish it would (CBT). Any input is accepted. I’m just looking for advice/support/a direction to turn.