I’ve really been feeling very bad the last few days. I’m home for the holidays and I feel like such a burden on my family and friends, so much so that I have contemplated driving back to my apartment in the city and just not telling anyone or texting anyone. I wish I had a blank slate and could just leave. While I’m home life is centered around my older brother, he gets most of the attention because he has a cool job and a girlfriend, we went over to family’s the other day and no one asked me about school, or work. They talked to my brother for hours about his work and life. The only thing my dad asked about was what my ex boyfriend is up to. I sound like I’m complaining and jealous. I’m happy for my brother, and he’s honestly one of my best friends. I just feel empty and alone and like there’s nothing I can do. I think my life would be better if I never had to see them again and I didn’t have to live up to any of the greatness he’s achieved. I can’t tell if my feeling are rational or a symptom of my bpd.  I’m trying to differentiate ration versus bpd so that I don’t let it ruin my relationships. In the midst of all this one of my fp’s is back dating an ex and still trying to sleep with me. He say’s she’s okay with it, but it makes me feel awful. Like there’s not a single person on earth that cares about having  emotional bond with me, like I’m just sex or a burden to people.