Hello. I don't even know where to start. I'm afraid to speak on the Internet more than in real life. And I don't know why. Usually everyone has the opposite. I want to find internet friends or just chat with someone but the problem is that I don't know what to talk about. In real life I usually listen and speak little. I don't like to talk about myself and about my interests. This is probably why I have only one friend. And I don't understand why she is still friends with me. I don't know how to support and give normal advice. 
I understand why I have no social skills.
Since childhood, my mother never spoke to me, and I never saw my father. I lived with my grandmother, she taught me how to read and write, in elementary school I was one of the smartest kids in the class. From the 5th grade I was bullied, this continues to this day, for 7 years. I am writing this now and I doubt that this is my life. I have been living with derealization for 4 years. I am not exist. And you all don't exist. And my problems don't exist. I forget everything that happens to me, so I write down everything I do.
I live in a small town and I don't have the opportunity to go to a psychologist. 
I don’t know why I’m writing all this here, I doubt that it will help me. If there is anyone here with a similar situation, I would like to hear how you deal with this. 
Maybe somebody knows what's wrong with me. I don't understand anything.
I doubt anyone will write to me. But even if it happens then most likely I will get scared and delete my post and account.
English isn't my native language but I tried to write clearly.
Sorry you had to read this(