I know it's the plot of "It's a Wonderful Life" and in that film the hero is shown how much worse the world would be if he was never born, but they could never make that film about my life. First of all, how could the world be worse? At least I wouldn't be experiencing it. And suicide is too messy. There's too much pain left in it's wake. And a heay hunk of meat, flesh and bone someone has to deal with before it rots. Never existing would be nice. Clean and painless. 

Clarence the angel would be stumped with me. I've accomplished nothing. I'm a burden on my family and ending my life wouldn't help them. I've helped some people along the way, but nothing inspirational. I don't think I've made a lasting positive impact on anyone's life. I'm miserable and I can be miserable to be around, unless I'm able to muster enough energy to pretend to not be miserable. Most of the time I don't have the energy. 

The only people who would miss me when I'm gone is my family. Two sisters and parents. And they wouldn't really miss me, but they would grieve, because that's what people do. My parents are old and I don't want them to have the pain of dealing with my suicide before they go, so I'll hold out while they are alive at least. But I have no hope of ever not being miserable. The world is fucked. Maybe I can fight for a better world, but I'm alone. What can I do alone? Everyone around me is content to live in this confines of this giant fucking white supremacist captialist meat grinder we call a world. Fuck this world. 

Two sisters probably can deal with losing me. They have kids. I love them, they used to love me. Now I'm just their miserable uncle who can't relate to them or understand why they like the things they like.

I have a cat friend living with me, Toru. I love him. He's a great cat. He deserves someone better than me honestly, I'm so depressed I can't really be the companion he deserves. But he's sometimes my only source of true joy and love. I can't deal with it if I lost him. He's going to be four in December. I might have 10 years if I'm lucky, but I don't want to outlive him. I worry something will happen to him, he'll choke on something I was too depressed to sweep up or something. Of course he doesn't need me. He'd be fine if I could find him a good home. But I thank him so much for bringing me some respite from the constant misery.

I don't know what I have to live for other than trying to outlive my old parents so they don't experience the grief before they go. Eventually someone will have to deal with this hunk of meat flesh and bone. It's just so gratuitious and a waste. It never should have been. That would be so nice, to never have existed. To not be aware of all this pain, grief, injustice and this hopelessly broken world. I don't know how other people deal with it. I guess they have people who support and understand them. I don't. So I go at it alone... basically the only thing I have to live for is to mitigate grief. Which wouldn't be the case if only I was never born.