I keep falling in to my own trap of losing myself and becoming consumed by one person. This person and I will become very emotionally intimate quickly and soon I find myself completely infatuated with them.
It's shameful to admit but even though I am genuinely trying to hurt myself because i fucking hate myself and think I deserve to suffer, part of me feels like I do this so that the other person is obligated to rescue me.
I'm really ashamed of this. I realize how manipulative this is. Like I don't threaten suicide or anything like that but I'll text them before or after I hurt myself or when I'm drunk so that they'll worry about me. I honestly feel like I need an audience for my suffering or else it's pointless. I feel like I romanticize being saved by other people even though that's such fucked up responsibility to be putting on the people I love.
It's also really important for me to be there for them too and I often place their own sadness above mine and sacrifice a lot to be there for them when they are sad and feeling self-destructive. So part of me almost feels like this is happening both ways but I'm not sure. How do i stop?