I know what this post sounds like, I know it's going to read to some people as 'woe is me I'm so popular', or seem like an attention cry to others. That's part of the problem, every time I reach out, whether through professional therapy or friends, I always get "you're lucky to have such a great support group" or "you have so many people you can reach out to". That's part of the problem. I'll disclaim this by saying that majority of my friends are amazing, golden individuals, who I wouldn't trade the world for, however, I've come to the realization that is part of the problem.

I live in a mid-sized city with a few popular clubs and bars, as well as a thriving house party scene. I'm young, early twenties, and I have a bit of a cult following. People frequently ask me to host parties, organize venues, lead vacations, or organize events that I can expect a couple hundred people will show up to. At it's height it got to be almost cultish behavior, people asking me whether they could make other plans and a select few getting my name, my initials, or quotes I'd said tattooed on their body. 

I hate that people treat me like the ultimate authority or figurehead. I'm the person who organizes, I'm the mean bouncer when I need to kick someone out, and I'm always always taking care of someone who needs to lay down or get some water. The thing I hate the most, and the reason I write this post, are the relationships.

Time and time again, I let myself get used by people. They always begin by acting incredibly interested, taking me on dates, or even sleeping with me and it usually ends the same. They want permission/ a door pass to get into my friend group. I know how conceited it sounds and I also know, that if I chose to I could deny these people, I could deny anyone. I could say 'no more house parties', 'no more vacations', and my close friends would still probably be my friends. I'm just so desperate for any positive affirmation, for any attention. I continue to organize these events at the consistency of a full-time job, yet I never make a dime. I let people romantically and socially use me constantly because I refuse to set barriers. Yet, I can't change even though  I know the problem. 

For the last five years, before I've met anyone, they've already heard of me and had an opinion of me. It's gotten to the point when in job interviews, people are already familiar with who I am, for better or worse. I haven't even been able to date because a lot of people in my local scene have an idea that I constantly am trying to sleep around, even though that's the last thing I want. I know this has been a bit of a non tangental rant, and if you've made it this far thank you. If you have any advice, thank you as well. When morning hits in my area, I'll probably take this post down like I've always done. It's just nice to have this forum where I can finally vent. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 

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