I’d been doing well recently. No full on panic attacks or flashbacks, I’d mostly avoided splitting, I was handling my emotions well, hadn’t self-harmed, and was actually feeling more comfortable and confident. Not perfect (anxiety, neediness and impulsiveness have still been big issues for me), but better.

Obviously it was time to ruin that.

I don’t understand why I’ve done it. My work is closed as a precaution around coronavirus, so I guess having more time home alone lets my mind go crazy. But I saw one triggering thread on AITA and then spent most of the day looking for triggering stuff on purpose, feeling like I deserve it and I need it. It’s like a compulsion, I HAVE to read about and watch stuff on rape and child abuse and parental death, have to go web stalking to find out what my abusers are doing now, have to throw myself into flashbacks and make myself feel like shit.

I want to hurt myself more, so badly. I feel like I can’t put the breaks on myself and as supportive as he is, I don’t know how to explain this urge to my partner and tell him what I’ve done and why (I don’t even really know why). I haven’t cut or burned myself but I want to. 

Why am I like this? How do I stop it? How do I explain to the man I love that I’ve been doing this?