!!CW: Mention of self harm CW: Mention of sex CW: Mention of Alcohol abuse!!

I'm not officially diagnosed with bpd. But I have depression and I know something else is fucking WRONG with me. I red through some posts here and I can realate to so much of this. I will go to see a therapist soon. So I hope it's ok, I just need to write this off my chest. (I'm sorry for grammar and spelling mistakes...) 

This are my thoughts the last days, i can't come over: It was the best relationship I ever had in my life. He was the sexiest, most caring and lovable Partner I ever had. No one will ever be so good for me as him. No one will have such a big penis as him. Never had I felt so sexy and aroused as with him. He literally got me wet just with one look. He wrote songs for me, he was so empathic and careful with me. No one will ever threat me as good as him. No one will ever understand me so perfect as him. And no one will ever give so much for me as him. 

I can't fix what I broke into thousend pieces. At the end I just couldn't stand him anymore, because I'm a selfish, fucked up woman. Who never paid attention to his mental health, just my own mental health. I couldn't communicate well, even if he tried so hard to make it easy for me. I was never there for him when he needed me. I always made his life exhausting, because of my insecuritys. I didn't believe him when he told me he loves me and care for me. I always stressed and hurt him because of my really bad impulse control. I didn't believe him that he always wanted the best for me, instead I thought he wanted to hurt me on porpouse. That he wanted to leave me and be with a better, beautifuler woman, but want to keep me around for... idk fun? To fool me? 

But he stayed and always say that we can do it. He tried to rescue our relationship, but I couldn't. I couldn't stay, so I broke up. I was so stubborn, so selfish. Now it's too late. It was the worst mistake I ever done in my life to let this men go. 
And now I hate myself to death. I wish I would just stop existing, I can't handle the mental and physical pain anymore. I feel like I want to hurt myself, and drink heavily. (I'm not doing it, but the desire is strong everytime I think about him and everything) I know I'm just too old to find anotherone who fits my values that much. And I don't want to. I don't think I will ever be interested in someone else. I want him back so bad it hurts.

I feel like I'm a fucking dumb ass c*nt who is never worth a relationship because I just fuck up any partner. I'm so full of grief that I didn't see him as what he is (perfect Partner) and appriciated and fighted for it. Why did I run away and hurt him so bad?

Idk what I want or need now. I don't know how to manage my life without him, without his love and attention. I'm just crying 24/7 home alone. But I couldn't cry in front of him, what makes me look like a cold hearted b*tch who never cared about him. He helped me so much, with basic living, eating regulary, he helped me to get into university and I should move to the city (where he lives and the university is) soon. I will be so alone there and I really don't know how I will handle my anxiety. I feel so lost. Why couldn't I just stay and work this out with his help? Why couldn't I just trust him?