Long story short : I just remembered I was diagnosed with BPD.


Long story long :

   - I've struggled with mental health pretty much my whole life (now 20). About 4-5 years ago, after a few years locking my emotions in, burying them I got exhausted of feeling numb and pretending all the time. I started regularly going in a public mental health clinic for appointments with a psychologist and a psychiatrist. 

    - I had a bunch of exams to do (MRI, EEG, neurological and cognitive tests...)

    - I was on meds and I wouldn't feel so much of a change, though they helped a bit in the beginning to regulate my emotions when I started unlocking my emotions.

    - My meds would be upped every three weeks but I was struggling a lot and felt like it didn't help much. My psychologist would tell me that other people had what I had but couldn't tell me what it was. Rationally I could understand that some people might experience the same things but I couldn't google it, I couldn't talk to these people and around me, my family, though very supportive couldn't get how I felt.

   - After a year, a lot of anxiety, of questions and still though we asked times and again, no diagnosis, no informations. Two short hospitalizations later, more meds and me dropping out of school because I burned out masking, I stopped all my meds, took care of myself and I felt better. Since I was back at my parents house, in another city, I was supposed to be transitioning health care centers, but administration being what it is, it didn't happen. 

    - Feeling ok couldn't last forever so I went down again and pretty fast. Went back to my last psychiatrist who made my try new meds but too many side effects under a week. Finally she decided I needed to get in a mental health hospital but told me I had to go in a transitionary place for a night before we could figure out the next steps. 

    - She called that place and we went there. I told everything - again - and my mother asked - again - for answers. They didn't understand. "We don't know anything". "Well, there's something written in the chart" the doctor said. " "Is there ? Tell us please. " "It's written that *my psychiatrist and the two others I've seen during my hospitalizations* agree on BPD"

   - We were shocked to finally have an answer and in the waiting room I looked at it and did a bit more research in the following weeks. But at the first moment I started reading about it I couldn't agree. The depictions of anger outbursts, impulsivity and fear of abandonment (that I pictured in my head as someone having meltdowns when their gf/bf left them) weren't at all a reflection of how I was. Out of the nine main symptoms I could barely identify in 4-5 that were symptoms shared by other conditions (anxiety, self-harm, food related issues...). So I thought, well they didn't know so they put me in the "by default" condition. That wasn't me.
(/!\ I don't mean to offend anyone here, you're experience is completely valid. I'm just sharing my thought at that moment)

   - I pretty much forgot about it. That place that was suppose to keep me for the night ended up not having any available beds, we called a few times in the following weeks that place and my psychiatrist but soon enough COVID hit and nobody called to takes news. I decided I had a choice to make: Keep looking for answers I might never find or Learn how to live with it and live well. Chose option 2.

   - I found a post today about BPD today and related to it. That's how I remembered. With today's perspective, I understand my psychiatrists diagnosis because everything was inside for me (By that I think I mean quiet borderline). I cut off the anger as a child, relied a lot on rationality when I was hurt, I was comfortable on my own but regularly experienced rejection sensitivity, felt out of the world, numbed my feelings for a long time to protect myself et when I unlocked them I had huge mood swings. I know the feeling of "all or nothing" but it didn't look to me like the representations in shows or in the media. Impulsivity for me was not loud, it was craving certain foods at certain moments or when I thought about some object I hadn't seen in a long time I could look for it and feel the urge to find it quick. I've learned early on that people couldn't understand and most of the time I would cry and comfort myself with the words I needed to hear or rely on rationality to justify everything so I wouldn't get hurt. 


  - Today I'm ok, I worked a lot on myself not to self sabotage (especially healthy relationships), regulating my moods, reconnecting with my body... Life's easier, especially emotionally, I have almost never emotional waves that last more than a few hours anymore. I still experience rejection sensitivity. I am still afraid of giving my opinion on many subjects or to fully talk about my feelings because I'm scared if I say something wrong, or if I show too much of myself people I liked won't be able to love me anymore. That's a work in progress. But I have a bf with whom I'm happy (though I had to fight a bit against myself not to sabotage it in the first place ), who's a big support in my small daily struggles (almost haven't medium or big ones anymore, yay).

   - Having BPD seems very possible to me, don't hesitate to tell me what you think or ask questions. I'm also currently on my way for an AD(H)D diagnosis that would explain a fr**king lot of things.

I hope your doing ok or that you can find the tools and support to get better. 
Love.