This happens like most of the time. I have to take anxiety meds to function, and I take them sparingly... but whenever I take them, I have a risk of being super depressed and suicidal the next day. I needed to take Lorazepam to go to the doctors/clinic ( I have both phobia of clinics and needles too, so it was doing double duty).... but now all I can think of all the negative things in my life, and I want to die... At one point I thought maybe it was the procedures that were making me depressed, but I've taken the Lorazepam at home because of anxiety/sleep and had the same problem. Even when I was euthymic beforehand it just ends. I get a few hours of tiredness and needing sleep and wake up and I'm really down. It can't be all a coincidence can it? Is it supposed to do this? Is it "withdrawal depression"?

All I'm thinking about right now is the irrelevance of my life, and how I really need to die. I already know I have no purpose, and I am selfish for taking resources from others. I am just going to always be alone anyway, just existing, with literally no future.... I truly wish I was never born. Then I wouldn't have to fight with myself all the time. Most people think the same thing too about me, and have told me so.... It just goes on and on.... 2 days ago, I was fine. I didn't have a reason to exist but I didn't care, but now it's like the purposelessness of life is a *reason* to die instead of indifference. Some of the friends I do have I just accidentally end up offending all the time because I'm autistic and can't manage tone or words properly and they just think I'm being condescending or sarcastic and I can't even help that because I'm literal, so I shouldn't be knowing people either...I'm not even fit to be in public. I just have meltdowns and it's embarrasing. And it's not even like I have anyone to help me. I'm completely alone.... I'm not getting medical care I need, and I'm always afraid of being arrested for no reason - like what if I go mute when a cop questions me? (although cops haven't stopped me for walking for a while, probably because they are racist and HRT has bleached my skin and made me more "white passing" than before). My transition got screwed up from medical failures recently and set me back to the start, which makes me feel hopeless even without depression. I'm always going to be alone, and die a virgin - I haven't even been on a date in like a dozen years, and even if I manage to get through all the transition stuff, there's still no chance....I'm immature and disabled and can't even contribute to society. I'm literally worthless. I wish I could donate my organs, but there's no way to save them.... ***I think about and believe all of these things all the time, but when I'm depressed it changes from indifference to suicidality, and the thoughts go in circles instead of "just passing through"*****.** 

Why does this happen? Why does Lorazepam make me feel this way? FWIW I am not currently on any meds for Biopolar, despite my protest. And before someone says "go to the hospital", that won't help because the last time I did that, they literally just told me to go back home and take my lorazepam (which, creates the problem on it's own clearly)....and other times they just blame everything on my autism and won't treat me. They even referred me to some autism program which was fine but I already don't qualify for it because of my "IQ"...but really the problem is depression and everything else is secondary.  


TLDR: I already have zero worth and no reason to live, so depression just reinforces that and tips the scale from indifference to suicidality. I can't function without anxiety meds, but if I take them I end up a mess like this...