# Having an FP

Nothing makes me feel alive quite as much as having an FP. It's better than every drug I've ever taken, and makes life a 1000% more worth living. However, many of you know the downside: this abnormal fixation makes me so insanely insecure about myself when I don't get validated that I am perpetually afraid, jealous and do stupid shit in order to avoid even the thought of abandonment. 

# Inability to plan for the future

Every day is different in terms of mood. Am I sad? Am I happy? Am I anxious? Depressed? Although I lean towards anxiety and depression, I even experience manic episodes - mostly in summer. I can't for the life of me figure out my pattern as it varies so wildly from moment to moment. Makes me frustrated as hell as I'm insanely ambitious and have all these huge professional goals which I so want to attain! 

# Every substance affects my mood

Be it coffee, alcohol, medical drugs, hard drugs, or even food: almost EVERYTHING affects me. I'm the most stable when I abstain from all psychoactive substances, even though I lose out on a lot of social activities that way.. But we all know how difficult that can be, at times when our emotional fire gets stirred up for whatever reason. Two weeks ago I made the decision to give myself one weekend at the end of the month to get fucked up, provided that I live a sober life the rest of it. 

I kind of miss being able to fit in with others at social occasions. But I can't. I either use too much, or I have to restrict myself to the minimum. Makes me feel like an outcast sometimes, but I have to do it. Drinking/using/smoking more than that makes me not be able to focus on academic or professional life anymore, so I have to choose. 

# Every failed relationship makes me less confident

Every failed relationship proves that I have not learned how to (1) adequately keep my condition in check, and (2) fall for a right person who's not abusive in return. I've been in 5 &lt;1yr relationships, and every time I learn a different part of the puzzle. However, also, every new relationship I get such intense feelings that I'm prone to forget about all that I've learned.

I would just like to get some pointers!! Like: 

* how do I stop developing an FP? 
* does focusing a lot on communicating my needs and boundaries make me feel less prone to abuse?
* how to I recognise when I repress emotions? 
* how do I recognise if a potential partner is loving and caring instead of troubled and cold?

# Feeling alone

I've always felt different. Not in a unique way, but in a bad way. A difficult person. Not worthy. I feel alone. Especially after a break-up (happened recently). I feel alone, but I also feel alone when I've been single for a while - even though I don't have any problem attracting people if I really want to. And by that I mean casual culture. 

However, I feel like I have permanent skin hunger. When I finally do fall for someone, I just wanna cuddle all day every day. It's like this insatiable hunger for touch and connection which I just can't seem to shake. I really need to find a partner who is more touchy-feely than my previous ones. 

# Not being taken seriously

The thing is, I'm generally okay with friends and family. They'll only feel my bpd issues when I'm under huge stress, which is really mostly during break-ups. My closest friends are really understanding, but they do not get it when I talk about cutting down on drinking or even abstaining completely. "You just have to learn how to moderate!" I adore them and know they're just oblivious because they cannot relate, but sometimes it gets to be a drag. 

# Other conditions

Does anyone else here have IBS? I have, and apparently there's comorbidity. I know this to be true because I will not nearly have as much distress from IBS when I'm in a more up phase of bpd (like in summer), but I will have problems with eating almost everything when I'm more in my stressful/anxious/depressed phase (like in the event of a break-up). They influence and reinforce each other, and it's hard to get out of a stint of apathy because the thing itself makes you not care anymore about where your life is headed. 

# Being so unstable that it's hard to see the positives

I'm so focused on being unstable - like bpd consumes my whole world - that a lot of the times it's hard to see the positives in myself. 

I care a lot. I work hard. I will go above and beyond for the people I love. I have so much love and energy to give. When I feel good, I will work harder than anyone to make stuff happen. I have a huge sense of communal duty. I'm great at making people laugh. I'm passionate, polite, daring, a leader even, and I love bringing together people at organised activities or just parties. 

Point is: there's a lot that I am good at! However, bpd is so unstable that it's like an abusive partner or parent: you're always walking on eggshells because you never know when they turn and shit will hit the fan. 

Maybe I should incorporate nightly reviews of my day: 

* what went better than expected?
* what am I proud of?
* what am I grateful for?

# Conclusion

Anyways, I really wanted to share this in the hopes of starting a conversation with you all and being there for each other. I'm hoping you relate, because in my life no one really understands the struggles I face and it gets lonely from time to time.