my ex and I are moving in together even though we just broke up. I’m scared to live on my own especially because i essentially was just laid off and can not afford to live alone even if i had the emotional stability to do so. She did a number on me; i had a lot of issues but she had no compassion or empathy towards me. I lost her trust because of my BPD tendencies. I smoke a lot of weed to cope and deal with overwhelming emotions that can lead me to violently self harm. She caused a lot of emotions for me. I tried my best to be the best boyfriend i could be. When she got kicked out i gave her a place to stay, rent free. She took care of me when i was hospitalized twice. Our relationship we spent trauma bonding instead of working on ourselves. she encouraged me to work on myself but when i did things as self care she would say i’d be regressing my progress or be selfish. she decided to focus on herself and we broke up. I feel used. She said i’m very conditional because i did things for her because i loved her but when my love wasn’t reciprocated i would change how i felt or take back what i did for her. I feel bad because i understand her frustration. I never intended to be this way. i had been working so hard with DBT and through life (working full time is hard and my support system is small due to childhood trauma so i don’t have a lot of people) so it’s easy to shut people out when i feel my love isn’t being reciprocated. i wish i could tell her this now and fix everything that went wrong but i can’t fix someone who isn’t compassionate of my mental illness and my falls while i’m trying to progress. i always heard so much about the shit i was doing wrong and i never heard about the things i did right. i dunno. break ups are hard. i feel like i have no one that can relate. i understand her frustration but i wish she saw mine. we got couples therapists two separate occasions, and she wants to get another counselor as a condition to live together since she can’t trust my words (with my stupid BPD mouth). I really don’t wanna do it cuz she didn’t do much of the things i needed her to do to feel safe. she controlled so much of my life (telling me i can’t use weed as medicine when i needed it) and she still wants to control it. i don’t know. i feel i’m in a trap. and this sucks. i just really need someone to talk to and some support