 Im so tired of my shitty friends. They always promise me and say "No matter how angry you get, we will be there for you"...But nobody ever lives up to those words. it hurts that shes my favorite person, i would swap her if i could. After she got a boyfriend, she barely talks to me anymore, but i always have to help her when shes sick or anxious. However, when i have a breakdown, theres mute from her. My last huge breakdown, i deleted everything, only to find out later that she was purposely ignoring me because it would have made things worse. Imo, i was already at rock bottom, and having her do that shit was extremely triggering. I lashed out at her yesterday after it had been building up for months.

i was angry because she told me all day that she would hang out because she wasnt feeling good only to go to her boyfriend the moment i told her i was available. I yelled at her, but apologized after. however, She was upset with me and is now ghosting me because shes not ready to talk things out yet. Im honestly furious with her, and i dont think i should have apologized. ever since i was a child, i was punished for expressing any sort of emotion, and the same thing is happening again. im always told that i cant control myself, when its the exact opposite. If they knew how much actual emotion i was suppressing they would be horrified. im tired of acting perfect. Im tired of being ostracized for having any semblance of emotion. im tired of people lying to me and saying that they care. i relapsed last night because im a piece of shit.

im probably gonna be told to cut her off, but shes been my best friend for 2 years. i really care about her, which is why it feels like im being stabbed when people do shit like this. i know i probably had it coming since i yelled first, however, i feel like i should be able to voice why im upset without being shot down. Im tired of being treated like a child or like im out of control. when im fucking not. im tired of people ghosting me constantly. im so sick of it all. i dont know how to handle how i feel right now. i have so much work to do today as well. I dont know how ill be able to focus knowing that shes yet to message me.