Sorry in advance, this is coming from a really disorganized and panic filled spot in my life.

In October I (19F) broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years. Prior to then I'd never suspected I had BPD, though I was officially diagnosed with ASD and OCD in August, and upon diagnosis I realized a lot of the overlap between BPD and ASD applied to me and I started to suspect things. 

After a lot of self-destructive behaviors/hypomania/mood swings, I felt like things were kind of evening out. I'd met a new guy (20M), we established a "casual" relationship but he did say he had feelings for me. I had mentioned before I just got out of a relationship and needed to take things slow, and he said the same had happened for him basically and that his prev. relationship wasn't good for him bc "his problems became hers and her problems became his". Still I could feel myself getting attached really quick and I could feel myself wanting to act out but I wanted so bad for things to work. I know people always say that romantic feelings with FWBs and stuff never work out but I just wasn't clear on if we were FWBs?? I still kind of don't know.

On the 31st I found out I was positive with COVID and immediately I told everyone I'd been in close contact with. Of course that included this guy, even though it had been well over a week since I'd seen him and it's really likely I got this after I had seen him. Still I was super worried for everyone and I felt so guilty at possibly infecting them. My sister has been reassuring me it's not my fault and with Omicron being so infectious that it could've been anyone but it was just me but I still feel so! bad!

Anyways, he was reasonably upset, especially because he lives with his grandpa but he also kept saying it was okay and shit happens. But he then told me that he didn't know if he could trust hanging out with me with this COVID stuff happening, and that this has all been stressful and not "casual, like he wanted" (and also some time ago, he thought I gave him lice. This is a whole other thing but I have good reason to think it wasn't me) and I said I understood and would leave him alone for awhile. We have since not talked (this happened the 31st so it's been like 3 or 4 days). On the first day I figured things would be fine but starting the second day I've just been getting hit with waves of guilt and extreme panic that he's going to leave. 

I really wanted to reach out, to rationalize to him that I really didn't know what happened, that I care about him and I don't wanna ruin what we had but I know that it's coming from a place of trying desperately not to let him leave. I have not said anything and I'm trying *really* hard not to because he asked for space and he deserves to have it. But I also worry that when it *is* time to talk to him again he won't want to/I will say those things and he won't want to continue talking to me b/c it's not "casual". I recognize that my feelings definitely mean I *want* something more and it's not healthy to keep going if that's what I want and he doesn't but I'm just so confused and lost and hurt. There's a lot more context I've left out probably but I'm just venting. I just kind of want to tell him all of this but I don't want to be too much, too difficult or whatever. It doesn't help that all my friendships right now don't feel stable either (whether or not that's actually just in my head is up for debate).