I got into a fight with my girlfriend last night after due to a bit of an emotional episode I had. My intrusive thoughts and anxiety have been running rampant lately and I’ve just not been okay (for a while now except it’s been getting unbearable recently) and so I had this stupid plan of doing something to get arrested so that I could be locked up in jail for a bit and maybe taken to a mental place to get help because of how unbearable things have been lately inside my head. 

I told this to my girlfriend and she went off on me to say the least which I don’t blame her. She told me that my problems have worn her down and that I’ve lied to her and let her down for so long about getting a job and going to school which are things I’ve haven’t done or been consistent with because of how depressed and anxious I’ve been not because I haven’t wanted to move on with my life or anything. (I’m 21 and she’s about to be 20 in December) She’s wanted the best for me always but she’s disappointed in me for not trying harder I guess to try and shake off my problems the best I can and just get out from being isolated and just do things to help myself which I can admit to and I know that I’m guilty of to be fair but then comes some things she told me that just have made me feel terrible.

She told me that I’ve never been that great of a boyfriend to her and that i don’t treat her right or know how to make a girl happy. She even went as far as comparing me to her sisters boyfriend and how great he is to her and that i’m nothing like that. I wanna mention that I’ve done a lot for her in the past and got her so many things and have been overly thoughtful with her so many times and so often but this was whenever i was fresh out of high school when i had a job about 3 years ago almost. We had to sneak around and only see each other at nighttime because of the fact that she’s of muslim religion and i’m not. I haven’t done much since high school ended i don’t have a car or anything i’ve only had one job after the one i just mentioned that i wasn’t doing very long and was during a point where we weren’t talking anymore and now i’ve just gotten a new job i haven’t started yet at amazon.

I guess she is just disappointed with me and where i am in my life which is why she compared me so much to her sisters boyfriend because he has things going for himself and I don’t. My girlfriend is very responsible she takes her school very seriously, she has a good mature job at a dental office where she works very long shifts and has said that she does so much and puts up with so much shit from her family that she doesn’t deserve to have a guy like me bringing her down with all my depressive bs and all the things i don’t do. She said she wants to be told things which i try to do all the time, that she wants things done for her, that she wants to call (which i don’t do because i’m very awkward on call) , that she wants to feel safe around me and that i don’t try to do things with her which i’ve argued against because i ask to see her and do things with her all the time but she says she doesn’t come around me and that she wouldn’t wanna be around me because the way that i am and that she feels like i’m not even comfortable around her when we’re together. Which these things really hurt my feelings because I don’t mean to make her feel so bad and like she’s not much to me and the part where she says it seems like i don’t ever feel comfortable around her isn’t her it’s just that i’m very insecure and awkward and i don’t wanna act a way or do anything that makes me seem weird or cringe in anyway and i really can’t help it...it made me tear up that she said that because i’m thinking maybe she’s right maybe she doesn’t deserve someone as shitty as me and someone so secluded and that i’m just not good enough for her and probably not anyone. I love her and care about her so much I want to be the best that i can for her and i’m willing to try the hardest i can at this point but i’m just not sure if i can because maybe this is just the way i am and i’ll never be able to meet her standards. What should I do and how can i be better? If you need anymore details having to do with our relationship i’ll explain in a reply.