hello guys,

i'm an almost 20 years old boy with official bpd and depression (...etc.) diagnosis. 

well yesterday i made a post on a transgender subreddit and i got one comment what kinda made me think a bit.

but let me start from the beginning... when i was 16 or 17 or something like that, i realized that i'm a transgender. i was sure about it but i was too scared to do anything. i've always been an anxious, quiet, weird kid but when i was like 17 i became pretty suicidal and depressed so my mom sent me to a therapist. i talked about this thing with my therapist but because i was extremely secretive and ashamed about it, we nearly got anywhere, but she said that based on what i told her, yes, it's possible that i'm trans. sooo time flies, after an unsuccessful suicide attempt a doctor diagnosed me with bpd. i knew about bpd a lot because i was interested in psychology. so i knew and i know that with bpd your self-image is very fragile. so i started thinking... i'm probably not trans, it's just a bpd phase. i have like these all the time. for example today i'm so sure i wanna be a poet and i'm so excited, passionate, motivated, i feel like i was just born to do it, but after tomorrow i won't even touch a pen or a poetry book again for the next 5 years... so yeah, i figured okay it's just another phase, maybe it's a little bit longer than my other phases, but it's just bpd messing with me. so years passed but this "phase" never go away. i'm on anti-depressants now, so i'm not suicidal but ofc i'm not "cured". i stopped therapy months ago, i have no money. 

sooo anyway i was bored and sad and lonely so i posted my story on the trans sub and one answer told me that maybe i am transgender for real and maybe my bpd, depression and anxiety was all based on some kind of gender dysphoric thing. i mean it kinda makes sense.. i never really found out what the heck is wrong with me, never really found my "trauma". but time flies and i'm becoming more and more triggered by gender and/or sexual topics. actually these are kinda the only things that make me go crazy.

actually there's a part of me who wishes that this whole thing would be false. i mean i don't want to be transgender, i mean yea, if i'd be trans there would be a simple and straightforward answer to the question "how to make my life okay?". the answer is to start transition. actually i started it years ago, it felt great but i felt so ashamed and so disgusted by myself after i realized that i'm wearing girl clothes while i'm actually a boy so i trashed everything out. so yes, i don't want it because then the answer would be so simple but extremely hard to accomplish. almost impossible. maybe it's better if the question stays unanswered?

but my other part wants to be this thing because i want to be a girl. and to tell the truth it's getting impossible to deal with my social life and when i start think about what's the problem almost every time i end up at a sex or gender issue. i mean i literally don't even have social life because i'm disgusted by the people because they have sex. i know it's not strictly related to the trans issue but seriously wtf is wrong with me