*CW is for suicide, substance abuse, possible eating disorders, self harm.*
 
TL;DR
Im pretty sure ive fallen into one of the biggest depressive moods ive ever experienced and im so exhausted. this whole time ive felt like im going through a free trial on being dead and its oddly comforting and i wish it were permanent without it upsetting my family.

anyone else feeling this trapped and confused?
i feel like i want to SCREAM.

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I literally have not left my apartment since over one month ago unless  i desperately needed to buy food to eat. i get pissed off at myself *constantly* and theres *always* a battle going on in my brain which makes everything so confusing. even now its "dont waste your time this is fucking dumb" "someone may be able to help" "who cares" and on and on and back and forth for (literally) HOURS until i give up and just smoke weed until the thoughts stop or i take my sleeping medication.

i lost track of time and i realized it had been almost 2 days and i hadnt eaten. thinking about eating makes me want to vomit and i find it inconvenient. i feel sick to my stomach but i dont have an appetite. i feel like im being suffocated by this cloud and its physically painful. my friends and family get pissed and worried because i cant communicate. its a disaster every time and i have to pick up the pieces of it and hope people havent dropped me and my bullshit (i apologize to them but thats srsly not enough). i hate making people upset and id rather ignore them than send them a 20 paragraph message about why ive wanted to be dead for several years or have them come over and see the state im in which in my opinion is 10x worse. they would be devastated if i committed and i already feel like the worst for putting them through previous suicide attempts.
im pretty sure i lost my position at my shitty part time student job. ill no longer be graduating college with my class. i dont even know if i care anymore about completing it because i dont see a future or a point and i stop giving a shit or have to deal with these episodes and end up missing too many classes. i study design which has been my passion since i was young but ive been staring at an unfinished painting hung up in my office every day for past 4 months. its like a reminder that im stuck on pause. that everything people know me for, my artwork, has no value to me anymore. 

the worst part of this and the root of my frustration is that i KNOW what im doing is absolutely DUMB and i feel like with the support i get from family i have no reason to feel like this at all. literally nothing happened to me to set off this episode. but i just dont *care*. ive been so suicidal for so long that its like an extension of me. i dont know how to get out and i dont want to. reading positive comments only causes that negative "voice" to laugh and criticise it instead of reflecting on it. it makes me angry. then suddenly i think i deserve to suffer anyway so i do nothing and i start over again the next day.