I had a appointment  w the med doc today. I wanted to go over my medication. I recently became more violent. I attacked my companion. So I reached out for help.  I was curious about asking for Xanax or the likes.  I was interested in having those meds  for the moment before rage sets in. The last line of hope before I go blank and damage things or people.  I didn't want it for daily help.    
 
This doctor gave me medication a year ago, after asking like 5 questions.  She says you need clonadine.   She didn't listen to what I had to say and actually said I need to stop talking because she has more questions that need to be answered  before the time was up.   I should have left then. (Tele care)  So. I didn't take the medicine because I felt very blown off. In the mean time I talked w a counselor.  I talked w my general practitioner, after cops called my hose due to me throwing things at cars during road rage. She prescribed a different medication  for anger and I took that.  A year goes by.  

I needed help. I reached out to the doc that had prescribed  the clonad8ne again.  That was a huge mistake. She was condescending off the bat because i wasn't on the med she had prescribed  a year ago.  And I told her what med I was on and she says : I don't kbow what that is.  She didn't say more about it. And I wanted to adjust it or talk about it.  So I start to ask and stop her from talking. She puts me in a very anxious panic. And I talk and I pace.  And I keep trying to ask questions about my health.  She gets mad and says i need to stop right there and breathe.  Without even listening. She verbally strong arms me to be quiet.  She says ur all over the place. And I say its normal for me to pace. And to talk fast.  I say we'll if u talked w your counselor, or read notes , she would know about me.   Not just the 2 mins. And 2 questions and just spit out a different pill that isn't resolving my issues. Nor addressing what I am saying. 
So she says I need a mood stabilizer. I say ok we can talk about that. But, again what about my fear and my issues I am asking about.  I still have not asked for a certain pill at this point.  I told her I previously had been on clonazapam before  for a couple years and I .... she cuts me off  without me even asking or saying  my part. She yells because I have the degrees and years spent,  because they are addictive. They cause mental problems down the road and  alzheimers. Shes yelling this to me.  So I just start saying ok 
lady ok lady ok lady. Whatever. 

And  would you believe  she just hung up.  Therapist...lol shame.

She riled me up. She ignored my worries. She didn't give the time I paid for. She pushed her  social beliefs in me.  She pressured me. She was defensive. She talked about herself. Obviously judged me. 

So I spent my day real angry and pissed.  When a person asks for help and acknowledges they are worried. People deserve better treatment. And, a chance to talk.   Why is it the patients that have all the accountability? I pay for a service. 

I did good tho. I was worked up all day,even now. But, I set up appointments for new a new doctor at a better fitting facility. I folded laundry. I  wrote in my journal.  I took a long hot shower. Listened to the water. I didn't break things or just quit. I did sulk.  But I got my ass up and cooked dinner. 

Thanks for reading.