In the split second where i go from irritated to enraged, i make most of my terrible decisions. It usually starts with brewing anger, and me attemtping to calm myself down, at that point though, the smallest thing will set me off. I havent been diagnosed with BPD, but there are many decision making thought processes that confuse and scare me enough that i assume i have either BPD, or Bipolar Disorder. My dog, for example, got into the recycling for the third day in a row, and i angrily tried to make him get into the kennel (in a calm headspace, i would know this doesnt work), and when he pulled away most likely from fear, the idea of his disobedience enraged me, and i aggressively snatched him up and put him in his kennel. Hes a rescue and also the runt of the litter, and was most likely terrified. At the moment, i reveled in the fact of being dominant, only to shortly after see my actions through a clear mind, and see how bizarre and abusive my actions probably appeared to my dog, especially since im usually so nice and loving. The reason i feel so terrible too is because i was once in that situation with a father figure who i loved and trusted, only to see a confusing and scary side of him. It feels like my self reflection should be good, but judging how often i do this, its only beginning to scare me. It feels like my mind is a tornado in a wooden box. When i was a kid, it used to be steel, but now that im 19 and starting to further develop, my maladaptive emotion controlling practices are starting to have little effect, and it feels like im watching myself fall apart. Sometimes my traumatic past doesnt faze me, but if im anxious or in a state of lowered guard (substance), it all comes out and i start to really feel these emotions and they confuse or frighten me, so i internalize it into the “void” in my brain where i forget bad thoughts. Its interesting how coping mechanisms you make as a child grow and mature along with you. I think thats why theyre so hard to nail down.