Monday, February 15: we met on Tinder in the afternoon, and talked until 5AM

Tuesday, February 16: I went to his house, we watched some anime and cuddled, god it felt so comfortable in his arms, so warm, so protected. We had sex, it was amazing. I was hesitant to say I liked him, but everything was starting to align. We cuddled more and before I left he asked me to be his girlfriend... I said no because I’m terrified to be abandoned, I told him maybe we could work towards that as I was too scared to commit myself so early. 

Wednesday, February 17: we talked non stop all day, never a time that texting was dull, and it normally gets dull really fast. We made a plan that I’d stay the night with him Thursday, and so I did.

Thursday, February 18: we talk all day until I finally get to his place. We go and get snacks because we’re gonna stay up late, I brought my coloring book and pencils and colored while I watched him play video games. I’ve never been good at them so I enjoyed watching and coloring. He let me play one of his games, he helped me and walked me through it. We had more sex. We watched more anime. We cuddled more. Then we took a shower together... he let me wash his hair and his back. It wasn’t awkward, it felt nice, vulnerable. Almost scary. But I loved it, I started realizing I was getting attached, but it felt ok this time. He told me he told his friends and family about me... which is scary, I’m terrified of rejection. We made a plan to go hiking on Saturday, and so we did.

Friday, February 19: I wake up to him and fall right back asleep, that night I didn’t have my usual nightmares. We cuddled the entire time. It felt like heaven, it felt so safe. I went home later in the afternoon, we talked endlessly. I missed him, I knew I was attached now, I couldn’t get his laugh, his gorgeous face, his warm embrace, his soft skin, his sweet kisses, I couldn’t get them out of my head. 

Saturday, February 20: we go hiking, it’s great, we take a picture together at the top and tells me he wants it to send to his family. He said his mom was excited to meet me because we go to the same university she did, and I’m majoring in what she majored in. I was anxious, I tend not to tell my family things because they will constantly be in my business about it. He said his family thought I was really pretty. We got subway after, and eventually I went home. Later that night after we were texting constantly, I asked if I could get a hug because I missed him, and he told me that I should just pack a bag and stay the night again. I was so excited, almost lovestruck. We watched more anime and played more video games and I can’t even remember if we had sex, I was just extremely glad to be with him. It was magical...

Sunday, February 21: I wake up and we cuddled more, though we cuddled all night. We worked on some homework that we had together, and I started planning a road trip that me and my cousin would go on. Eventually, I left, and as I was leaving I let it slip... “love you-“ and before he could think he said “I love y-“ and we stopped ourselves and looked at each other. Scared of what we just said, maybe, but just because you don’t mean for it to come out... doesn’t mean you don’t feel it inside. We texted once I got back to my dorm, constantly until I fell asleep...

Monday, February 22: I wake up and he unadded me on Snapchat and unfollowed me on Instagram, but didn’t block me. I immediately begin wondering what I did, what happened, why I wasn’t good enough, maybe it was an accident, maybe if I call (on snap/ig because we didn’t have each other’s phone numbers which isn’t unusual for me) him, maybe if I text him he’ll clear it up. I messaged and called many times, nothing... not even read... still not blocked on Instagram, so I commented a few times on an old post, and he simply deleted the comments... I told him to block me and end my hurt, and he did, but you know me... I made another account, messaged again and again to no avail, commented on posts again, and though he didn’t block that account he still deleted the comments... I relapsed so bad that night, I should’ve gotten stitches but I don’t want to be hospitalized again. I almost hung myself, I still have the noose in my closet. 

Today, I’m still not good. I miss him, my Teddy, if he sees this maybe he’ll reach out, I doubt it. I cried a lot Monday and yesterday, but today I didn’t. I just want to know what I did wrong, what happened in his head, why he felt like he couldn’t tell me what was wrong, I would’ve helped as best I could, I would’ve slowed down, I would’ve just been friends, but he’s gone... and it only took a week...