I feel like so many people with BPD don’t realize this and it’s so sad because it ends up ruining our relationships. When I was younger, I used to get so absorbed in my own feelings and mood fluctuations I wouldn’t be as mindful of how my partner at the time was feeling, and we ended up breaking up. I always used to think I was too intense. I don’t think that’s quite the case anymore. They couldn’t really handle me, and that’s okay, they don’t have to. I’ve learned how to manage my symptoms now and my boyfriend right now is also mentally ill, but sometimes I can’t really relate to his mental illness because it’s different from mine. But I still try to think of how my actions and behavior affect him, and how even though I can acknowledge how his behavior affects me and how I feel, I can also acknowledge how his mental state might be contributing to how he’s acting towards me. I try to have an open discussion with him about it and get both of our needs heard. And we try to work it out. Communication is so important. So far it’s worked pretty well and I love him very much. I’m very happy with him. 🥰🧿 

I think this still applies if your partner has the same mental illness as you. As borderlines, we have a harder time with mentalization, as it’s harder for us to understand other people’s mental state, and how it might underlie their behavior. Experiencing intense emotion tends to reduce the capability for mentalization. (Source: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2816926/). 

Sometimes I assume that people will automatically understand my intention without me stating it directly even if the cues are ambiguous and I get genuinely surprised when people misconstrue me and assume the worst case scenario. Please try to be more empathic to others, including to yourself and to your partner. You and your partner should be a team.

Next time take a step back and ground yourself before you react on your feelings. You don’t know how your actions might be hurting your partner. Your partner can’t read your mind, so if you’re upset about something they did, and you’re expecting them to know you’re upset and why, it’s not very fair to expect that of them. You need to communicate your needs because they genuinely might not realize what’s wrong. You’re two separate people with different thoughts and feelings. Even if you’re going through it right now, don’t forget that they might also be having a hard time, too. If you’re self-sabotaging in some way, even if it’s you’re go-to coping strategy, think about how that might be affecting your partner.

Disclaimer: I am currently a grad student researching bpd, studying to be a clinical psychologist specializing in bpd. I am not claiming to be a medical professional. A lot of the advice I am giving is from personal experience living w bpd and what worked for me, including some things I learned in therapy.