I've struggled with depression/anxiety/eating disorder/bipolar for a while, and my boyfriend of 8 months knows this. However, in the last few months I've noticed a change in my behaviour. I started becoming increasingly insecure about our relationship, even though he was doing nothing wrong to make me feel that way. I haven't been diagnosed with BPD, but I realised that my behaviour in the last few months resembles the symptoms of borderline. I wrote this letter as a sort of explanation/apology to him. I hope it's ok if I post this here even though I haven't been formally diagnosed with BPD, I wasn't really sure which other sub to post it in.




Dear ____,


In the last few months or so, I have been struggling to figure out why I have been getting upset about trivial things, and why I am constantly feeling low. Yesterday my new psychiatrist mentioned something about me possibly having 'borderline personality disorder'. I searched it up and found that I could identify with a lot of the symptoms, like unable to regulate emotions, self-hatred, fear of abandonment and sensitivity to criticism. While I may or may not have this, reading these symptoms made me realise that I do have some serious issues with how I deal with my emotions and insecurities.

Whatever it is I have, I feel like it has rewired the way I process rational thoughts. I feel like I can no longer think rationally like a normal person. Instead of processing information and thinking of what could have actually happened, I think of the worst possible outcome. My thoughts are a constant racing mess of entangled chaos, I feel like I'm a prisoner to my mind. 

I realise now that my irrational thinking has started to affect the way I view our relationship, and I know that this is unhealthy. The way I feel right now is that if I hate myself this much, how could anyone love me? Last Thursday, I actually convinced myself that you were going to break up with me when I got to your house, I can't even remember why. I know that you love me, but it feels like there's this voice inside me that keeps telling me you don't, or that it's going to end because it's too good to be true. And I think that's because deep down I feel like that I don't deserve someone as good as you, because I don't deserve to be happy.

I know that I've started to say really negative things lately, like that I'm scared you'll cheat on me. I realise how immature that is and I'm so sorry. It must be so frustrating having to defend yourself, to constantly have to reassure me that you love me and will never hurt me. But I need you to know that it's not because I don't trust you, it's because I'm genuinely scared that one day you'll decide that you're tired of having to deal with my insecurities, and that you'll want someone who wasn't so broken. I know that saying and thinking these things is more harmful to our relationship than anything, but please know that it's not something that I can change overnight, because the way I think and feel about myself is rooted so deep inside me. 

But at least now I know what needs to change, and I'm taking steps in the right direction to change it. I'm going to have good days where I feel like I can fly, and I'm going to have bad days where I feel like I'm drowning. I know your patience will wear thin and there will be times where you'll get frustrated with me, but please know that even if it doesn't seem like I'm trying, I really am. Just please don't give up on me yet. 

This year has been the worst year of my life in terms of my mental health. But somehow at the same time it has also been the best, all because of you. I wish I could describe how much you mean to me, but I know words will never be enough. Just know that I am going to get better, so that one day I will be able to support you the way you have supported me. If I had the choice of going back in time and erasing every bad thing that has happened to me, or letting my life pan out exactly as it has, I wouldn't change a thing. Because maybe in a universe where all those things never happened, I would never have met you. 
