In 2016 I quit my ADHD meds cold turkey because of the side effects. 3 months later I suddenly went into withdrawal because - newsflash - quitting substances you’ve been on continuously for 20 years cold turkey is fucking dumb. Before this, I didn’t even know what anxiety was…ever since, it’s been my everpresent companion.

Flash forward to 2018, girlfriend (now wife) and I were living in my aunt’s basement apartment when a freak storm flooded the place a little bit. It was next to nothing in terms of damage, ankle deep in the garage, but maybe 1” of water at the deepest spot of the finished space.

My aunt was on vacation and answered me nastily when I called to ask her what to do.  The flood prevented anyone from getting there to help. My wife (then gf) was working a shift at the restaurant, so she couldn’t even pick up the phone. I spent the hours mopping up water and dumping the buckets outside once they got full, then pushing water out of the garage door with a broom once the accumulation in there got deep enough. Stopping one thing allowed the other areas to fill back up with water, but I kept running back and forth. After a while, my dad got there with a shopvac and one of those floor fans to help me out, but the worst had already passed by that point.

Since then, any rain sends me into a tailspin, and it’s gotten worse since we bought our own house.  This place has issues both up in the attic and down in the basement, but logically, I know that anything that happens is fixable. The place is over 100 years old, so a little water isn’t gonna knock it down.  But every time it pours, my heart starts to race and I run around checking for leaks.

Today it caused a fight with my wife. She’s been having trouble at work so I tried to put on a brave face, but that fell apart as soon as the storm hit in earnest. Lo and behold, I had forgotten one of the items on my checklist: a downspout extension that comes loose periodically, so a little water (maybe a cup?) made it through the basement wall.  She needed me to be her sounding board, but all I could hear was the driving rain against the windows, wondering if the caulking we put around the rotted attic windows was still sound (we have tenants upstairs, and I can’t be bothering them every time it rains to check the damn attic).

It’s made me resent this house that my wife adores. It’s made me resent the tenants that have never missed a payment, despite losing a third of their income during the pandemic.

I don’t know what to do.