I lost my high school sweetheart to a motorcycle accident some years ago .. I haven’t been counting because it just makes it harder. We weren’t together when it happened but our bond was never broken .. he had a new girlfriend but I could tell it just wasn’t the same. I try not to think about it but it haunts me so bad .. he was an incredible artist , as am I. I recently got a tattoo in honor of him I want to do a whole sleeve tbh , he’s still my favoritist person .. it’s hitting me really hard today I’m pretty spiritual but I don’t quite know what I believe in tbh I just try to do good bc I know the world is lacking so much. These past 2 years have been incredibly rough I lost about all my friends over dumb shit that no one would ever even believe, I’m been disassociated with reality it feels like. Like the only reason I really stay is for my grandma and I know that’s pretty fucking lame. I live with her and know she would be heartbroken as I feel like I’m the only thing that really keeps her going to. I also have siblings and Im ngl I’m scared of karma if I were to do it and they were to find out I know they love me and care about me - they’ve actually been coming to me in my dreams lately .. I don’t even really want to finish writing this because I don’t know where I’m going it’s like I’m numb.(but hurting at the same time) I get so mad at myself because like I have a lot that others don’t and therefore I should be more productive and what not but My heart is in pain for so many reasons.  I just wish I could talk to him and know he is okay. That’s my baby for life and I just wish things could be so different I’m growing up and I feel like a dang nun he’s the only man I ever really truly wanted or feel will really be able to love and I wish like I was better to him , I wasn’t the best I’d get jealous a lot and stuff … as I write this I got like butterflies in my chest as if he forgive me but I’m ngl with that being said I feel like any man or woman I am with is like a sin and not to sound corny or lame but like it makes me fear god . Dying / death  I’m not to scared of but like judgment .. idk sorry this is all over i have exstistential crossers all the time but I think I made him happy by calming myself down by writing this I feel more calm , love to anyone who took the time reading this and wishing me well . Y’all are rare , maybe  I just need some genuine friends bc my town sucks. Ig/ snap ? I’m not always a downer bt when I am it scared me bc I feel everyone including him want to see me do so much or at least try and idk just gets overwhelming sometimes esp without a lot of support . 

Some of my tips coping with depression ;
A nice walk,food,hobby (singing /art, recently started tattooing), talking friends - if I had any &lt;: but I feel like just talking aloud someone listens and it’s comforting, self expression, etc 

I really feel good inside when I can help people so if you want to rant / open up or just chat to take your mind off things messege me. Always open to lend an ear 🖤