Okay here’s the story for background. Sorry if it’s long. 

I met a pretty good group of friends about three years ago. They were amazing and I felt like I truly belonged. We had so many things in common and i was able to explore mutual interests with them. 

One of them I crushed on. Hard. We ended up dating about two years ago. It didn’t work out. He was completely emotionally unavailable, like it felt like he really didn’t care about me at all, no matter how much I reassured myself. I was really needy/clingy. I would occasionally get VERY emotional like crying and frustrated with him because of how our love just wasn’t matched. 

After we broke up I felt so weird in the friend group. He had done the same thing to other people and now he did it to me. I just felt like I lost everyone I finally had the love and belonging with. My best friend at the time also didn’t help. He really invalidated me and never acknowledged his poor behavior toward me. 

The thing is: we broke up one and a half years ago and the way he treated me still bothers me so fucking much. I think about it everyday. I wish he had loved me back the way I deserved. I wish we were still friends or even still together sometimes. It makes me feel crazy. 

Last night I was drunk and called him. He has a new girlfriend. I basically got really angry and upset thinking about how he never apologized and how it was unfair for me to basically get kicked out of the friend group and lose that sense of belonging. 

This also isn’t the first time I’ve done this. About a month after our relationship I asked him calling if he still loved me. 

At a friends party I was drunk and asked him again. This was like 5 months after. 

Then after that about 7 months after the relationship I texted him angrily one night about how much I regretted dating him and pointed out how little he cared. It was because I was angry that we were hanging out and he could barely say hi or anything. 

I feel bad because he literally doesn’t deserve that shit from me so long after but I just have such a fucking hard time getting over it. 

I’ve dated like four guys since this but I’m always just fucking stuck on it. I feel hopeless and crazy.