I have anxiety that comes and goes. Sometimes it's short stints, sometimes it gets debilitatingly bad. For some background, the first time I got major anxiety was the first time I had a practicum for school. I was in a trades discovery course thinking I'd like to go into something in the trades. Quickly discovered it wasn't for me, but I wasn't a quitter, so I wanted to finish the program. The last two weeks were a practicum and I could not physically do the job. After the second day, I came home crying and panicking and did not sleep at all because of the anxiety. I called in sick the next day and spoke to my instructor to end the practicum. The second round of anxiety came the next time I took schooling, right before the practicum. The group that was graduating before my group got back from their practicums and gave our group a presentation on what they did. It was enough to trigger the same emotions from my previous practicum. This time it was longer than two days. I missed a week of classes and my husband ended up taking me to the ER after he hid my anxiety meds and I was desperately looking for it (to take more than I needed). I was in the psych ward until my parents came to visit so my husband could still go to work and not be watching me.

Sorry, that was a longer wall of text than I had meant for background. Anyway, I've been at my current job for 6.5 years. It's a small company and for the most part they've been pretty good, but the owner is older and is very old fashioned when it comes to business.

When covid came in March, they didn't let anyone work from home, though probably about half of us could do our entire job from home. When cases spiked in November, still no budging on that. I started wearing a mask all day every day when the first person from our office had to be tested for covid (her son had it). Then a second person got tested (her mom had it).

Just before they got tested, my manager had mentioned to me that if it got really bad, they might start having people rotate shifts working in the office and from home. So, once testing started, I sent an email to her and the owner asking what the possibility of the rotating shifts happening was and stated my concerns (at this point, people were still being lax about wearing their masks to work and I have a daughter in daycare, I'd like to keep from spreading it between the two places if possible).  They weren't happy about me asking. The owner even came into our office at one point, wearing a mask when he came in and then immediately stating that he "hates these things" and took it off and left it off the rest of the time he was in there, fist bumping people and shit. So, I sent a note to my manager saying that him doing that is not helping with my feelings over this whole thing. The following Monday I got called into the meeting room and was told they were making an exception for me to work from home, but I wasn't to tell anyone (???) and they were cutting my hours to 4 days a week, making sure to tell me it isn't because sales are down or anything, they're actually way up right now. This was given a tentative date to December 15.

At the time of the meeting, I'm told it doesn't matter when I do my hours, just make sure I get them in. Fine, to make it so people can get ahold of me any day of the week, I decided to work a full day on Mondays and 6 hours for the remaining days. I get an email the next day saying they want to know which day I won't be working. I tell her what I'm planning to do and am told, no that won't work for them. Fine, I'll have Friday's off then.

First couple weeks were great. A couple emails back and forth with coworkers to assure them I'm fine and they thanked me for not coming into the office. A week before December 15, I get an email from my manager. My mother in law sent a package to my work and it was there. Manager says she'll leave it downstairs for me to pick up. I reply that if I'm back after the 15, I'll get it then and if not, I'll come by to pick it up sometime. She replies back saying they would like me back in the office and are not understanding what my concerns are. So, I reply back saying what my concerns are again. This did not go over well. I get a phone call within a minute of sending my reply, "so I read your email and it's all me me me, I I I, me me me" "how is it fair that you get to work from home while everyone else is coming into the office?" "Why are you crying? I don't understand why you're crying" "I have to take my kid in and then go into work, and what about the techs and shipping people? They can't work from home" "I know you were pissed when you sent me that message about owner taking his mask off in our office saying he hated these things  not helping. I talked to him after, he said he did it as a joke". 

I don't think I need to explain any of these. I think everyone that can do their job from home should be allowed to. I think that is so much more respectful for the people that do have jobs that need to be done outside of the home so they're not getting my germs and whatever my kid picks up from all her connections at daycare.

Well, that kicked off my anxiety again. An endless feedback loop in my head about how I was awful for asking to work from home (though technically I asked about rotating shifts and they went right for work from home) when others aren't. It got so much worse after this last Tuesday.

So, instead of actually hiring people that can do the job, they just keep making my manager the manager for every department that has issues. She is now managing 3 very different departments and is beyond stressed I'm sure. Well, about six months ago, myself, my manager and the owner had a meeting about some work that had to be done, but we didn't have any information from our supplier to make that happen yet, so it was decided that we'd wait until we get more info from them. Haven't heard anything about it since. Tuesday morning I get an email from the owner saying that this thing, we need to get it done and out for the new year. I reply asking if we have information from the supplier yet and get two very nasty email back saying how my manager is extremely busy and whether it was discussed with me or not, this is my responsibility to make sure I'm following up with this and if this is going to work, I need to do better.

One thing about this company, when it's good, it's good. When it's bad, it's really fucking bad. I have screenshots on my phone of my manager telling me how she doesn't know what she'd do without me, how I do so much for the company, yada yada yada.

Anyway I lost it after those emails. I was a mess. I cried off and on the entire day and just felt absolutely sick to my stomach. Not eating, crying constantly to the point of hyperventilating. Losing nearly 3 lbs in a couple days (I'm actively trying to lose weight and this is a huge amount for me in that amount of time). It's been days of this. My husband's been really worried. Yesterday I could tell he was really upset by my mood - telling him I wish I had never been born and then he wouldn't have to deal with me and our daughter wouldn't have to have a messed up mom. I thought I could hear something happening outside and realized it was my husband breaking down and bawling because he's so scared. Thinking about him like that is making me cry again.

We crunched the numbers. We can make it work with just my husband's salary but it will be really really tight for a while. I'm scared. I know I can't go on ei if I quit, but I feel like my mental health is so much more important than this stupid job.

Also terrifyingly anxious to send my resignation. I think they're going to be so angry and am fully expecting a phone call telling me off immediately after sending.

Did I mention I do their huge monthly sales reports that noone else knows how to do? Or also that I set up their website on WordPress and I'm the only one that knows how to update everything on it?

Anyway, if you stuck out my rambling for this long, thank you. I don't expect anyone to, just needed to get it all out.