In this present moment i despise my existence. I feel like life is not wanting me to appreciate it. I do not care to live anymore. I knew deep down inside i wasnt happywith my life, when i was younger, something was missing just didnt know what that was. WELL i found it a couple of months back , it was love, the love of a woamn , a girl. I never really had to many friends growing up (THAT Stayed in my life). i was fascinated by video games at a young age, they were how i stayed in the present moment. Couldnt really talk to girls like that, you know approaching them, starting conversations with em, having a girlfriend, yea i had those young boy  crushes but never dated any. Fast foward to high school, felt lonely , had a couple of friends but what i mean is lonely because i wasnt in a realtionship. Like i said coundt approace em , there scary , heck still to this day i cant. I dont really find myself that attractive even when i was younger.. my insecurity.... i was born a preemie and my skull never fully developed so i had a soft spot that never formed into a normal skull, i have a dent on the right side of my head,(pretty sure my mom was on drugs when she had my older brother,me, maybe my little sister ion) gosh i never liked haircuts beacause you could see it. And i am also insecure about my side profile, i do not like the way it is , never had, always been like that. Thats why i had and still just a little dislike my head lol but people have said i wasnt and am not ugly. Back to girls , Once apon a time there was this guy name johnathan aka me and this girl name destiny. He started working at Little Caesars he liked it it was alright. they would get new workers , they come and go. He did not know it at the time but this one girl that started working there.... he would happen to fall in love with her. She approached him, now this guy was like why does this girl keep coming near him it was weird he didnt know why, later he would come to find out that she had developed a crush on him. He found out from his friend , he didnt know what to think.A week went by , he would walk her home knowing that she liked him. He ponderd on wanting to doing something about it. So one day as he was walking her home he looked at her in her eys and went in for a kiss, tounge and all lol. He\`ll NEVER forget the face she made. THey werent dating but they were intimate no not friends with benifts but something esle. She wanted to go out with him but he had never experieced this before , everytime she would say oh you dont want to date me, he could not speak beacuse he did not know what to say. He grew fond of her, he loved the way she spoke to him and cared for him. But it ws to late ,she did ntt want to see him anymore. He did not expect that. When he found out he couldnt breathe he started shaking , crying he didnt want to lose her but life had other plans. Video games where a distraction to him, but love he found and that was REAL to him (a different type of love thst you cannot get from you loved ones), the feeling was REAL. He couldnt bare to lose her but he did , he didnt find life worth living anymore because he lost the ONLY THING THAT MADE HIM FEEL ALIVE, FEEL HUMAN. He cried and cried even at work , he could not stop his tears...... (He still cant). So one morning after a night of drinking rum he had a dream , then he looked at his phone still drunk from the night before she had posted soemthing... a moving on type of post and he couldnt bare it. He took the bottle of rum and a piece of glass from a broken picture frame and went into the bathroom got into the tub and started to cut his right wrist.He cried and cried begging whatever created his existence to let him go away, from the pain , from the sorrow, from his HUMAN BODY. He had called his friend twice before he started to cut. She did not answer. But while he was slicing his wrist over and over again he got a call , it was his friend, he wad drunk out of his mind, crying to her, saying he was tired of this. She came over and took him to get help at a place called 3 rivers. He was there for 8 days, But it did not help him. I AM STILL HOW I WAS AND EVEN WORSE NOW I CANNOT ESCAPE THIS PAIN IN MY HEART.... INSIDE OF ME. ITs been 2 months (lol dont believe in time) since she left. But he still works there and she does too IT CUTS HIM DEEPLY EVERYDAY SHE IS THERE NOT COMING UP TO ME ANYMORE, NOT SAYING HEY CUTE, OR EVEN LOOKING MY WAY. No in dont want to kill myself over a girl but beacuse i do not like being a huamn.... slave to a society where the people who control the string have NEVER BEEN SEEN. He cant explore the world that he was meant to do. I believe that humans are the only beings that work just to live , just to eat hell even breathe. Money runs this place and if you dont have it you are stuck. I am depressed , i am so down i am not the same perosn i use to be, laughed at anything smiled so so much that his checks would hurt. NOW he feels like he sees with his eyes but that is all. Every time he thinks he is over her or doesnt care anymore guess what i still do it keeps coming back never ending sadnees i cry so much now , almost every morning i wake up. Still think about leaving my body but dont reallyn have many options , a blade is all i have. i tried this morning to cut the radial artery this morning but it kept clotting up so i stoped, still want to tho, just waiting until it happens, until i grow the balls to do it again, probally need some liquor to numb the pain and to be in my feelings but i just want to leave my body in a peaceful way... without dying of old age. If i had a gun i would of been cashed in my chips. I have been in earth for 21 years and i do not like what i see or feel , tired of it. THAMK YOU IF YOU READ MY LIFE, I APPRECIATE YOU FOR TAKING THE TIME OUT OF YOUR DAY TO KINDA UNDERSTAND HOW I FFEL. ya goofy goober