Sitting here having another idk emotional flood after numbing out for a few days. Feeling really tense, angry and hot, like I want to rip my skin off. idk what that is but it’s seems to happen more lately, if someone can explain this feeling or can relate legit please explain. Ever since my bpd diagnosis abt a year ago or two ago EVERYTHING seems to be more difficult. I’m starting to put the pieces together and understand how the standard text book bpd symptoms and behaviors play out in my life. 

So I’ve been basically isolating for about 2 years trying to “figure myself out” post diagnosis and now I’m stepping back in/testing out new/old relationships, platonic and romantic. It is proving to be impossible. I was just living in my crazy mood swings before, I didn’t even think it was wrong or chaotic. Just normal. Now that I realize how fucked up my whole life has been and all of the insane destructive patterns I repeat in relationships, and even how I think during conversations I can’t function in social interactions. And all I want is to be with someone again. Idc who they are. But then….I remember all of the long long term relationships I had with people I hated that all began with that one core desire. This is torture. I feel so alone and hopeless. The only way I know how to fix these deep empty feelings is all with shit I shouldn’t fill up with. I’m so sick of checking myself 247 now. it’s exhausting trying to get better. And is being constantly exhausted but outwardly stable building toward a “life worth living ” really worth it. I really miss the days in la la land before the diagnosis. and if I check out for a while, the return flight back to emptiness and not knowing is 10 times worse than when I checked out. Seriously fuck this. 

I am happy I found this page. I can’t put words to most or all of my feelings and this page really helps me actually feel my feels. And….describe them to my treatment team.