I never have.
I may never will.
I have to let go of this place.
I have to let go of everything.
I have to.
Or else we’ll never make it.
Or else I will never make it.
I am not beautiful.
I have not been capable.
I am not strong.
Physically or mentally.
I need help.
My whole life is shattered glass.
How did I even get here?
What even happened to me?
Have I ever been who I am?
Are my likes and dislikes actually my own?
Or is it all just a painful facade?
I’m in so much pain.
To no one else’s blame but my own.
What am I doing here?
Where am I going?
Will I ever find myself?
Will I ever feel whatever happiness is?
Will I ever be free of these chains I’ve bound myself to by my own hands?
Who was I before?
How long have I been this way?
Where have all those I used to know gone?
I wonder where life has taken them.
I wonder if they wonder where life has taken me?
I hope they haven’t.
I don’t deserve to be remembered.
I am a bother.
A nuisance.
I bring rain and ruin everywhere I go.
I don’t fit.
I don’t fit anywhere.
My words don’t hold meaning.
My thoughts don’t deserve to hold a place in someone else’s mind.
And yet, belonging is my deepest desire.
To belong without having to try.
I just want to BE.
I don’t want to fight to live.
I don’t want to have to will myself out of bed.
I don’t want to not be here.
I don’t want to not want to live.
I don’t want to feel like I deserve to die to better the lives of those around me.
How strange.
How strange the roller coasters my mind rides.
Hour by hour.
Minute by minute.
Second by second.
Never knowing when the next drop is coming.
Unable to enjoy the climb.
Overtaken by paralyzing fear of every minuscule thing that may or may not happen.
Calm in a storm.
Ridden by anxieties in the quiet.
Why?
Why!
I have to get out.
I have to run.
I cannot be this.
I cannot live like this.
This life fucking hurts.
This way of living is no way to live.
But they say there is no way?
They say this is simply who I became.
They say I am stuck.
Shit out of fucking luck.
A bonsai.
Trapped.
In my own failing escapades.
How do I change?
I don’t want this.
I didn’t ask for this.
I am blamed, even when I’m right.
I have created a world where I am not trusted.
Where everything I say,
Everything I do,
It is all questioned.
If there is no faith in anything I do -
How can I have faith in myself.
Even in my most confident of statements.
Even in my most confident of moments.
There will always be hesitations
There will always be that one foot back
There will always be questions.
And who am I to blame them?
I did that.
I created that.
No one else.
Only me.
So you see I cannot stay.
I do not deserve to do so.
All of my wrongs.
I don’t deserve a right.


I want to be beautiful.
I want to feel beautiful.
I want to know what being strong feels like. 
Physically and mentally strong.
I want to know who I actually am.
Who I am apart from everything else.
I want to love the sunshine.
I want to admire the rain.
I want to FEEL moments.
I want to love.
I want to live.
I want to thrive.
I want to find myself alongside you.
I want to find ourselves in this world.
I want to take on this earth and live and breathe the air you breathe.
I want to impress you.
I want to make you proud.
I want to make you feel like the luckiest man alive.
I want you to look at me with desire.
I want you to crave me.
I want you to want to touch me.
I want to be capable of taking care of myself.
I want to be capable of moving mountains.
I want to find every hidden treasure the world has to offer.
I want to fall madly and insanely deeply in love with you.
I want you to fall madly and insanely deeply with me.
I want to be the woman you want for a thousand lifetimes.
I want to be so much more than I am.
I want to be a beautiful thunderstorm.
I want to be yours.
And I want you to be mine.

But I don’t deserve you.
You have to make me go.
You have to walk away.
You have to run.
I love you too much,
To let this be your life.
Please don’t settle for me.
Please go find someone better.
Please.
You have been so good to me.
When I have been chaos to you.
I don’t know how to be a constant.
I have no idea how to grasp routine and consistency.
I don’t know how to remember everything
I don’t know how to remember anything I’m supposed to
I don’t know how to not fixate
I don’t know how to not be this way.
And this way is no life for me, much less a life for you.
So please go.
Find your happy.
Because I know I will never be it.
You deserve happy.
And all I have given is sad.

I don’t deserve this life.
And it’s the saddest thing I’ve ever witnessed.
Watching myself through a lens unable to reach through.
Unable to shake myself awake.
Unable to scream when I need to be better.
Just unable to be better.
I don’t think I’ll ever be better.
So maybe I just shouldn’t be.