**BIG TW** PLEASE KNOW I AM DISCUSSING SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND BEHAVIOURS ANDI DO NT WANT AMYOME TO READ IF IT IS TOO MUCH FOR THEM OR COULD UPSET THEM!!!!

My boyfriend is driving to the airport with out me right now.
Last night I was thinking about suicide, crying and crying trying to stop myself from reaching for the razor blade. 
Today 30 mins before we were supposed to drive for the airport I wrote a note and planned to do it.

I couldn’t bring myself to do it I’m too scared of death, but I’ve been suicidal for years and I hate myself and I feel utterly hopeless. Everyday is a struggle and everyday I wish my previous attempts had worked.

I told my boyfriend and he came over. I told him I almost killed myself twice and that I couldn’t go on the trip and I didn’t feel safe. He was compassionate but I didn’t have much time to talk to him because he had to catch his flight.
I didn’t expect him to stay with me, we’re 19 and 21 and we don’t live together, I don’t want to put the responsibility of suicide watch on him.

I’m still suicidal and I don’t know what to do. I hate myself and this is important: I’m scared to not hate myself and to try to be nice to myself because I feel that the punishment and hatred I have towards myself is the only thing that keeps me safe from karma or something bad happening.

I don’t think that will ever change but how do you live with yourself when you hate yourself and know you’re a bad person.

I’m terrified that my boyfriend will break up with me. He knows I have bpd but this is the first time in the 11 months we’ve been together that he’s seen it in action, I’m scared it’s too much of a burden for him. That I’m too much of a burden for him. 

I need to know if anyone has any idea how to live with hating yourself and having a core belief that you deserve to die. 

Please help me. I have no where to go and no one to turn to right now. No one understands and I was hoping that if I hear someone else who understands I might feel a little better