
All the kids in my family grew in a toxic environment, my aunts allways discussed and were always mad. 

I never thought much about it because that was normal... but I did everything worse for all of them... I was always treated like the best child, I was treated like the intelligent and always got away with every bad thing I did. This made me be a big bully as a kid. I used to hide and break their stuff just for fun, or I started provoking them just to have a fight and that they got grounded...

I was not the youngest of the kids tho, my cousin (now 16) was actually younger than me for months. But since he was the only male of the kids, he was always tough to be strong... now he suffers from depression, both caused by the reject of the family and by the fact that his father divorced her mother and left him and his mother left him 2 times to go to Alaska for more than 6 months each time. All this time he stayed at our grandmother's house. Her house luckily was next to mine. 

So at least then he had me. Even though as a kid I messed with him a lot he was still my best friend, the cousin I liked the most and the one I always helped and cared for. Sadly when his mother left he got on a big depression and would just not sleep at night and just sit on the floor. 

One night my grandma told me just to try and talk to him. So I did, one night we made a pijama party and just started talking about everything. It started with school, then friends, but when we finally started talking about his family he started crying and told me everything. How he felt left alone not only by his father but also by his mother, and how when his mother was around she only cared and gave things to his little sister (12). And this last part really breaks my heart because it is true! 

An example of favoritism from her was clear on his Quinceañero. On our culture the celebration of the 15 years is something really important, but his mother wasn't even in the country when it came. My parents were the ones who brought him presents and celebrated him a party. But for his sister her mother has been planning her Quinceañero for years! And she is only 11.

The reason why I I'm telling all of this right now is because I have never been separated from my cousin for more than a month. And right now it's been almost a year since his mother had a big fight with all the family and moved out to the other side of the country. I've only been able to see him once every 2 or 3 months because it's a long ride. At least my parents know that my aunts are toxic so thay never get involved in the family problems. 

I still have my other cousins... but I just miss him. And I started to fall on depression because of that. He was the only one I could talk to and play with. Now he doesn't have any online games and he had to give his phone to his sister because she broke hers. So I cant even talk to him anymore.

But all the depression and anxiety I have for missing him and not having someone, plus the constant feat I have because I know he is struggling in his home and I can't know if he is going Tru something bad are making me a bad person.

I'm sad all the time, I can't talk to my friends because they all have their own problems and I don't want to bother them. But I started to get mad at everything, and once I notice it's too late. 

Today I had a long chat with my sister and she told me how she has been feeling stressed and thinks no one ever cares about her, and the only person she had to talk it's gone (my cousins sister). I finally realized that I am making a toxic environment by constantly arguing for everything and I am passing the same depression and anxiety I feel to my poor sister that is only 8 years old. 

I don't know what to do and I'm really scared. I don't go to any apecialist or anyone because we don't have the money for it. 

I once told one of my teachers how I felt and told her not to tell anyone... kids mistake... 

She called my parents and made me go to see a psychologist, My parents got really mad and stressed...

I really had a good time with her. She listened and understanded me... but my parents just took me two times and that was enough for the school counselor so I never went back... that was when I was around 13 or 14... I never talked about how I felt to anyone after that. Not ever my friends... because now I'm scared that they might send me to the psychologist... and then my parents will be mad again... and I really dot want to revive those days...