(F26) hi there, new to the group. This is gonna be really long and probably not make any sense but I’m currently on day 2 of spiraling so bare with me. 

I’ve been in therapy since March for the first time since high school. As I’m getting older I’m realizing more and more that I’m living on a completely different plane reality wise than a lot of those around me. Plus I could tell my ADHD is getting out of hand so I decided to seek help. Original diagnosis: Anxiety and Major Depression (to which I took literal OFFENSE to bc I didn’t know there’s no minor depression and was like damn dude she really thinks I’m THAT sad she put major LOL) 

COVID enters chat and I started to really notice Major mood shifts and cycling and my mental health in general begin to rapidly decline. Additional diagnosis given: cyclothymia 

My insurance gets cancelled so I had to find new provider, new dr is cool, but she tells me I don’t have cyclothymia, and that it sounds like borderline. My brother has BPD and he is the ONLY person in this world that has ever fully seen and accepted me for who I am as a whole and I am the same to him. I’ve been trying to tell my drs that I think I have it for 2 months now, but every time they just get WEIRD. They don’t want to put a label on me so I don’t identify with the disorder. It’s so unbelievably frustrating going your ENTIRE LIFE being rejected from fucking society everywhere you turn, ALWAYS left out of everything or left behind, never given a second thought or checked on, misunderstood by family, by lovers, friends, teachers, classmates, employers. No one even bothers to understand. I’ve been made to think my whole life that I’m too much, too emotional, crazy, irresponsible, irrational, like these are all things I can help, like I would ever willingly choose to have my mind cursed. Me being angry at the world is a story for another time, but here, my frustration lies in the fact that I finally belong to a supportive community of people that would accept me and love me and understand me AS I AM, and it’s being kept from me “to protect me”. 

I’ve recently started antidepressants bc my depression has gotten so out of hand that “the voice” is getting significantly louder than my own and she is a cruel bitch. Not to mention my own personal trauma on top of the worlds trauma currently going on, it’s all just getting so hard to cope with. I just want to shut down or sell all my stuff and buy a camper and travel with my cat. He’s literally the only thing keeping me here anymore and I truly feel like he and I deserve so much better than shit prison that has become my mind. Part of me wants to be normal to appease the normies around me so they’ll finally shut up about “my choices/behavior” but a large majority of me rejects normal at all costs. I can’t imagine not constantly seeing beauty in the world beyond my immediate world which I effectively have destroyed, rebuilt and destroyed time and time again. My own personal delusion is that this shit is a canvas and I am the painter, and I can paint it however I like but if I suddenly decide I hate it, like many artists, I have no problem throwing a masterpiece in the trash.