First post ever, any opinions are greatly appreciated. I'm a 22 year old guy and I'm getting to the end. Growing up my mother constantly verbally abused me. At any point where she could she would verbally and emotionally torment me. I wasn't allowed to have any friends growing up. I was more or less a prisoner. I'd like to say my father was better than her. However, that would be a lie. My father may not have ever abused me but he did something worse. He completely turned a blind eye to what was going on. I know this because when my mother kicked me out on my 21st birthday last year he tried to apologize. He cried and begged me to stay. I called him a fucking coward and got the fuck out of there. The whole time I was living through hell he knew and had every opportunity to help to save me but instead he chose to do nothing. You might be asking why? The answer is because my mother does all the paperwork for my father's business. When my father stopped drinking when I was 6 he found a new addiction. In my opinion a far worse one, working. My father was never around, never spent a second of time with me and always put that fucking job first. Now we'll talk about present day things are going much better for me. I live with my girlfriend and her parents. They all really appreciate and love me but I still really wanna die. My girlfriend got me to go to the hospital and I got prescribed antidepressants last year. Things seemed to be going better. however over the last few months things have gone back to hell. The antidepressants stopped working and my doctor cut me off because she believes that I have bipolar disorder and that they were pushing me into manic episodes. I agree with this but there's a few problems. First I'm flat broke and in college. I have insurance through my parents but it doesn't cover psychiatric care. Along with this dilemma my mother doesn't believe in psychiatric problems. I still have to deal with my mother as my father decided to pay for my college as a kind of oppology I suppose. If I get any psychiatric help I'm gonna have to front the bill like I did previously and I'll have to face a torrent of abuse from my mother. I simply can't afford this and I really don't know what to do I feel like I'm going insane. My mood flips on a dime. One second I'm fine the next I'm so angry I wanna break everything near me or i might be so depressed that I begin planning my own funeral. Only to then settle back to a shitty baseline or go completely off the wall manic. I feel like I'm an insanely large burden to my girlfriend and her parents as they help me financially and have to deal with my insanity. I know they're doing it because they want to and because they wanna see me succeed but I can't help but feel like I'm just a bother. I wish I'd just die in my sleep and I pray there is no afterlife. If you somehow made it this far thanks, I appreciate you going this far to take a look into my life.