I've struggled with mental health since early childhood; sustained periods of immense boredom, irritability/anger mood swings, anxiety related sleep issues. 

I was diagnosed with depression and offered a prescription by psychiatrists (SSRI) a few times since age 12 which I never tried. I always felt like it was depression with a physiological/chemical cause that I couldn't control with any method of therapy. During depressive periods I always feel what I best describe as hollow tension in my head and feeling generally bad even when meditating. It seeps into my thought process no matter what I think about. I can still socialize normally, I just feel fake and don't genuinely connect.

People always told me I was smart, good looking, funny. This never inflated my ego or really rang  true to me, even if I understood what they were talking about or that they were saying those things genuinely. There were a few times in my life where I felt like everything was on track, I felt like I was socializing normally, etc. but I never really "felt like the life of the party" or had any passion controlling or motivating me. I don't think I ever experienced mania or hypomania. From my perspective my best periods would be described as low-average mood and energy compared to general population, and family/friends that I've asked agree with that.

I managed to put together a pretty good life for myself before COVID started. COVID made my job very stressful and I suffered my first panic attack as a result in April or May of 2020. Since then I experienced increased anxiety that mostly presented as problematic when I tried to sleep. Otherwise I think I was doing okay. I got my life back on track and was feeling normal, though the anxiety was still present and not tied to any specific thoughts as far as I could tell. I achieved a work milestone and started a serious relationship around the same time in the first half of 2021 and all of a sudden felt the start of a severe depressive episode, which eventually led to my relationship ending and losing my job in August 2021.

I started an SSRI for the first time in my life at age 26 and within about a week I had a lot of side effects, felt very strange, and started compulsively smoking cannabis (which I wasn't using at the time) to try to counteract what I was feeling. Was completely unlike the person I've been for the entirety of my life. Within 2 weeks I experienced my second and third panic attacks in my life, on back to back days, both resulting in my emergency services physician directing me to the ER to get a benzodiazepine. My physician and psychiatrist both provided me with benzodiazepines (on separate dates) and from there my journey is kind of difficult to remember. However I added an atypical antidepressant (bupropion) to the other 2. It seemed to help with mood and motivation, though I still felt depressed and not like myself. My psychiatrist agreed to me tapering off the SSRI and suggested adding another atypical antidepressant (Mirtazapine) at the same time. Within a week or two I had a severe acute manic episode which was short lived because I was hospitalized and medicated for it. They took me off all of my medication except the benzos.

They switched me to Olanzepine and Lithium. The Olanzepine made me tired, but if I wasn't sleepy it made me feel delirious until I slept it off. My physician did a blood test for Lithium content and found that I was sub-therapeutic. Repeated the test and found out my liver enzymes were VERY high from the Olanzepine and my lithium levels were at a therapeutic level. I was feeling depressed throughout but functional and still able to socialize though I wasn't able to look for another job, which I still haven't been able to do yet. I was taken off the Olanzepine and told to compensate with more benzodiazepines. I had increasing bad feelings which I tried to compensate with increasing benzodiazipine dosage. I had an anxiety attack where I didn't know what to do to feel safe and it led to  an episode of uncontrolled rage where I damaged my own property and was re-admitted to hospital for depressive-mania. I was taken off the Lithium and given high dose Quetiapine which caused me to sleep all day for 2 days. Once I couldn't sleep it off it made me feel delirious and I requested to stop taking it. Drug withdrawal was absolutely brutal in many ways, and I felt like I went crazy. For the next week or two I felt very balanced (which everyone around me agreed with) and like a beacon of mental stability. However, I would get overwhelmed very easily, was extremely sensitive to noises (could hear static from electric wires), and needed to process my anxiety in silence where it like I was going to drive myself into a state of permanent psychosis. A few weeks later and I feel like my old self again except i'm getting lots of headaches. I'm depressed, a bit anti-social even though I'm lonely, unmotivated to do anything, barely feel like eating though I'll bing eat junk food. I don't feel like I have any risk of going manic again. My psychiatrist wants me on Lamotrigine but I just want a little break from the meds and really don't like the sound of that one or feel hopeful about it. I still want to take a lower dose of antidepressants and have read a couple papers supporting the use of antidepressants in bipolar. I know i'm not the best judge of my own treatment, I just don't want to feel like life is pointless and hard while also feeling hopeless for anything more than brief intermissions of feeling OK.

So my questions are: 
Does a single acute manic episode on a variety of medications (amongst rec. drug use and other factors) guarantee a bipolar 1 diagnosis is correct? Should I give up on the possibility of retrying the antidepressants that made me feel good because of this manic episode?

Is an episode of rage behavior while on Lithium and high dose benzodiazipines indicative of bipolar 1? 

Thank you to anyone who reads this and replies. I know I over included some information and left out other important pieces of information. I'll try to make it more concise ASAP when I feel a bit better.