I just needed a space to rant. Therapy is expensive 

On the surface when interacting with people (new or known) I can present as very confident, outgoing, funny, engaging - but I’m so anti social it’s unbelievable.

My anxiety in general is quite debilitating insofar as I ruminate constantly, I feel this almost constant sense of impending doom or dread but it feels very feel &amp; valid - the dread that I feel or the catastrophic situations I imagine happening don’t feel far fetched. They truly feel valid &amp; like they could really happen.

I’m very controlling as a result &amp; struggle to relax or let go of stress or rumination so I self medicate 6/7 days with alcohol to the point of being drunk (only in the evenings after work). I’m good at masking when I’m drunk now so other people can clearly see I might have a pint in my hand but this isn’t ever to the point of throwing up, causing a scene etc. I’ve been on a waiting list for anxiety therapy for about 18 months &amp; this is the only interim solution I can turn to it feels like. 

This ‘mindfulness’ doesn’t work for me, nor does focusing on my breathing or grounding myself by things I can see or hear etc. I really struggle to engage with any of that even though I have tried hard to. Alcohol really is probably the only thing that actually forces my brain to stop for a few hours. 

As a result of being anxious constantly I am quite reactive, which can often be perceived as over reacting. What people don’t understand is that underneath the surface I’m always heightened, so my reactions are quite consistent with that (I am not condoning that they are helpful or healthy).

Back to what I was saying about my social anxiety - I don’t want to say too much about myself for fear of being identified but I am in my mid twenties &amp; I only have 1 friend, who I only see 3-4 times a year because anything more feels unnecessary &amp; overwhelming. 

When I say I only have 1 friend that is in the most literal sense. I have got no social media (I got rid of all my accounts about 2 years ago). I rarely ever relate to what most people are interested in or find fun. I find socialising &amp; most social situations incredibly shallow &amp; meaningless. I would rather talk about the universe &amp; space &amp; reality.