I (bpd, 20f) and my ex partner (adhd, 31m) were together for three years. Yes we got together at 17 &amp; 29. No I don’t feel as if I was groomed or anything like that. We were coworkers then friends and then more. Any comments on the age gap will be ignored, it’s legal where we live and I did not feel any type of negative way about it. Anyway our mental health issues never properly coexisted from the get, so really the relationship was never great. His hyper fixation was video games which he did not attempt to time manage at all for a very long time. I almost immediately moved in with him and started taking care of his kids and cleaning his messy house and all that. He had been really struggling after his divorce in every way. This was all during the beginning of the pandemic too. That summer we got evicted and that’s really when the relationship should’ve ended, I immediately became resentful and angry all the time but god did I love him and his kids so much…. We had to stay with his ex wife for a few months and that was another point we should’ve ended things. Living there brought up so many issues between him and I, I won’t go into to much detail but it got REALLY bad. After a few months we were able to get our own apartment again and we didn’t sleep in the same room let alone cuddle or touch for about a month because of the issues we experienced at his ex’s house and the fact that he IMMEDIATELY wanted to get to video games again. Things settled and I was still just so angry all the time…. I was no longer ok with being just a babysitter and a maid… I wanted more. And even when he gave just a little more I kept on wanting. It all just accumulated and my anger grew and my sadness was constant. We broke up July 4th. One of the worst nights of my life. He said just so much awful shit to and about me… for two weeks it was CONSTANT yelling and throwing things and hating each other. It was his middle child’s birthday and he said I wasn’t allowed to go to the party. That was my breaking point. He and the kids left and I packed all my things and left. By august we were talking again and hooking up. I was over him. I really was. He stopped being my favorite person long ago and all I could think about when I thought of him or looked at him was all the cruel things he had ever said or done. We were to broken to fix but he finally wanted to change so I held on. I waited for him to be the person I know he could be for himself, for his amazing kids and for me . But we said goodbye last night. And I’m no longer over it. I want it all back, the good and the bad. I want that comfort and routine back. I want the sweet little nothings and the screaming back. I want the loneliness that felt weird because he was just a room away and the youngest kid wanted fruit loops and the oldest wanted to ask me a riddle and the middle one wanted to listen to the same fallout boy song on repeat but couldn’t spell it. I miss being needed. I miss being depended on. The thing that overwhelmed and overstimulated me I want the most. I want him back. God this hurts so much. All I want to do is call him and tell him I’m coming back. But he’s finally ok with moving on, he was so genuine last night. So real. And that’s all I’d wanted for so long, genuine conversation and attempt. How can something end so good and I’m just having to leave it? Now that I see a glimmer of the person I wanted for so long, I can’t have it. I don’t know how to cope. I want it all to stop.