Life is so tough I get panic attacks randomly. I wish I could have been a happy person. I wish I could get a hold on myself and my feelings and how I feel about myself. No matter how much happy I try to keep myself in the day (or busy at least) whenever I lay in bed after 16-18 hoursof busy schedule my mind goes in weird situation and I can't sleep until 2-3 AM leaving only 3-4 of sleep everynight. I know that's causing this causing damage but I can't do anything. 

I feel so mess. I feel so shit about me, I promised myself in the beginning of this year that I'll never feel suicidal again but idk.. I know i am strong. My life matters  my life is beautiful. Yes I try to divert my mind and keep busy and try to remember the happy moments of life..... idk what to say. Idk even if I am making sense.