My fiancé has been exhibiting some... frustrating behaviors that have only become more apparent the longer we have been together, and though we’ve touched on almost all of them, I feel like we haven’t gotten to the roots of them. While discussing these frustrations with a mutual friend, we both realized that my fiancé may have BPD. I’m obviously not going to armchair diagnose him, but a lot of the symptoms/signs match up in jarringly obvious ways. (I am personally as neurodivergent as they come, so please don’t take this as judgmental! I want to help him as much as possible)

I’m thinking it would do him a lot of good to see a therapist regularly (I do so personally myself), as he’s been using friends and myself ceaselessly to regulate himself emotionally, and it’s crossed some serious boundaries (nearly ending a friendship at one point, I had to swoop in and save the day, while simultaneously calming him down from a full blown panic attack from me trying to resolve the issue)

I’m also getting the feeling that he lies. A lot. And then he lies about lying, even when it’s painfully obvious. I’m not sure how I would call out his blatant lies, or if it’d even be healthy to call them out at all. 

Additionally, I’m struggling to hold him accountable for his actions/words, because he’s repeatedly used manipulative tactics to make me feel horrible for even being upset with him even if he says/does some pretty upsetting stuff (ie. “You’re always mad at me, but I’m never upset with you. Why are you always mad at me?” “I’m sorry you’re mad at me for doing x”, etc.)
Even though we don’t even really have arguments, we have always approached issues as a team, so shifting blame to me for wanting to resolve my upset feelings about his behavior makes me feel like I’m not allowed to even have feelings in the first place. It’s maddening, as even though I love him dearly, he says some pretty hurtful and hyperbolic things sometimes, and it’s often crossing my own boundaries (example: He sometimes loudly makes body shaming/behavior shaming comments towards complete strangers in public *just barely* outside of that person’s earshot, which gives me massive social anxiety, as it feels incredibly inappropriate and rude.)

I worry about calling these behaviors out, for fear of potentially exacerbating them, but I also desperately want to encourage personal growth, as if this continues long term without any improvement, I don’t know if I can continue this relationship. 

I feel like I have to parent him a lot of the time, and our friends have told me they’ve felt similarly. Is it worth calling these behaviors out for risk of coming across as a controlling and bitchy partner? Should I point them out generally and then rely on him to regulate himself using self awareness?

How can I avoid him spiraling and becoming suicidal when it’s pointed out that he’s in the wrong? It feels like this sort of dramatic spiral can happen over the smallest of bumps in the road, and has made me hold my tongue on many occasions for fear of making him spiral again. 

Anyways, I’ve been rambling, but I would love to hear other’s thoughts on this! Externalizing my thoughts helps me to avoid gaslighting myself into silence, so at the least, it just feels nice to type this stuff out somewhere.