For the first time in a long time, maybe for the first time ever, I don't want to exist. I just want to stop. 

I'm going on vacation tomorrow---I can't back out of it, but this is the worst possible time for me to be going to an unfamiliar setting. I genuinely have no idea how I'm going to handle myself. I feel so horrible; nothing around me feels real or right. I think I'm experiencing some pretty bad derealization, worse than I've had before. I feel so far away from my body, even my hands at my keyboard right now feel miles away.

I can't do this. I dissociate every damn time I go on vacation, the unfamiliar setting makes life feel completely unreal. I really don't want to do this again. I don't have much of a choice, though. Does anyone have tips for what to do if you know you are going to dissociate/what to do when you are dissociating?