Like many of us, I had a rough upbringing, my mom is very mentally ill with psychosis and my dad (all I had since my mom was taken over by the mental illness) was emotionally abusive. It was complicated, because he had a rough childhood of his own. I became depressed sometime around 13, and then anxiety followed. I developed bad habits, started compulsively playing with my hair, and dating guys who would hurt me. A couple years ago, I started to realize that I am not so innocent myself. Also, I disassociate for hours, imagining myself in a better reality with a better version of myself. I think this stems from how bad my dad made me feel about myself. I can't even cope with it. I am timid, but I've strung people on myself without realizing it. But the lack of self awareness makes me feel really shitty. It was weird man, I was timid, sensitive, and emotional. It made me a target, but also I needed guidance, support, and attention so badly that I became natural at getting attention from others.. now I get very angry at the age of 25. I'm still quiet, but I get very angry now. It's like my dad's angry habits are finally catching up, and breaking through the timidness. I don't think this is the right alternative to "not standing up for yourself." Also I wonder if my sensitivity just makes me take things personally in the first place... but I suspect It's a combination of being stepped on and taking things personally I would say. Anyway... after years of depression, anxiety, alcohol abuse, picking dangerous friends and partners, I kinda pulled myself out of these bad habits through education. I had a big dream of being a professor. I made it to an elite university for my master's, but did not quite make it to the PhD. This literally broke me... I couldn't get out of bed for 1 year. I couldn't even keep this information to myself, I told everyone, my boss, I reached out to everyone because I felt like I was in physical pain. I felt stripped of my  identity. I applied again half-heartedly, got one acceptance but it wasn't a school I would be happy at, and after being so broken by the first rejection, I decided I needed to take a break from academia.

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I turned down the academia offer, and now I am pursuing a tech-related job. I've noticed a change in me, not only am I directionless, but I am irritable, stressed, and I do not feel like myself anymore. Yes I am now getting out of bed, but I am keeping myself so busy and overextended that I don't have time to even remember that I was ever so depressed and suicidal that I couldn't get out of bed over the two rounds of PhD rejections. What is happening to me? Does this sound ilke BPD? It's so weird friends, but something does not feel right. I have not felt the same since the breakdown, something has really changed. Is it just residual grief/irritability? Am I having an existential crisis? I've completely isolated myself, and I am in a constant state of teeth-clenching stress. 

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Is this an odd case of depression... grief... existential crisis? Or does it sound like I've got some other disorders. Would labeling the disorder even provide relief? I wonder if it even matters in my case... like would the solution/therapy still be basically the same anyway??? I don't know dude.