Hi all! I'm super new to Reddit (long time lurker but have never posted). I finally, after reading so many stories on here, decided I would reach out and see if anyone has been in a similar spot as me.

I don't want to write a novel so I'm going to try REALLY hard not to. Basically, I was diagnosed with BPD about 3-4 years ago after a suicide attempt. I did a short course of DBT therapy that I really felt was helping, and then my therapist abruptly moved away and my therapy just kind of ceased after that. I was convinced (mostly from her telling me) that I was fine and ready to go without counseling but I never really felt I was. 

I went through some heavy drug usage and turmoil, got my shit straight eventually and then met a guy that I truly felt I was going to spend the rest of my life with. We dated for almost 3 years (which is super long for me because no one can ever put up with me that long!) until my family started to fall apart in January due to my mom's alcoholism (which I've been told is the direct cause to my BPD and abandonment issues) and him and I began fighting ALOT.

Our fights were almost always because of me, and something I was insecure about. A girl on instagram commenting on his pictures, him not kissing me for a whole day, him seeming moody and me convinced it was because he was thinking of breaking up with me....just crazy shit that I look at now and am like "wow I would have fucking left my annoying ass too", however, we truly did or still do really love each other and I'm taking this breakup just fucking terribly.

I've read that a break up for someone with BPD is just way worse than for someone who does not have it. I have so much guilt and shame eating me alive for all the ways I treated him that I feel like such a terrible person. I was so scared of him leaving, yet I pushed him away so far he couldn't come back anymore.

I saw him for the first time tonight since the breakup (almost a month ago) and we just talked about everything. Of course, I asked if he ever saw us getting back together and he said he didn't know. But as of right now, he "couldn't go back to me" and that I "changed him as a person and made him feel like shit." It really hurts to think that I did that to someone that, despite my stupid fucking behavior, I really do love very much.

Today was the first day in three days I got up for work and brushed my teeth. I've been in this deep, brooding depression and taking my anti anxiety meds as much as possible so I don't have to feel how sad i really do. I find myself begging him to take me back, (we are still in contact) and pleading that I will do anything different. I am re doing DBT and start in about 2 weeks, and I've been telling him about how this could really change me and help me and things can be better....but, he is just so done and over with me. Nothing I can say will change his mind. 

I guess I am reaching out to ask if, anyone else with bpd has had a breakup due to their out of control bpd, and if so, how the hell did you cope with it? How do you convince yourself at the end of the day that you're not this horrible monster for the things you did/said to push this person away? And, is there anything I can do to change his mind and show him that I really do want to change and be a better person, not just for our relationship but for myself too?

Sorry for the long post, thanks for anyone who read it all.
