My parents were awful to me as a teenager. I had the best childhood until all of a sudden they turned on me. They meant well, but they started worrying about me too much...  “helicopter parenting” as they call it.  They would catastrophize any failure which only made me afraid of failure.  They would ridicule fast food workers and tell me if I don’t go to college and get a good job I’ll be “flipping burgers at McDonalds”, implying shame in having a working class job. They fought over how much money to spend on me playing softball and blamed me for the fights they would have over it and made me feel really awful when I failed classes my senior year of high school because it torpedoed my chances at an athletic scholarship, so they didn’t get to see any return on their investment. They constantly talked to me about their money problems and marriage problems. I was never trusted with anything independent. I didn’t get a smartphone until I was 19, didn’t start driving until I was 18, didn’t get a job until I was 18, etc.... yet was constantly compared to my peers who were away at colleges in sororities or dorms who had stable home lives/emotionally supportive families. I was told as a teenager so many times how the stress I caused my dad was going to kill him because he would suffer a heart attack (not like I’m the one force feeding him so he stays 300 lbs). I was always told how my parents are older and gonna die sooner than other kids so I need to go to college even more because they’re gonna die. All of this I know was meant well because they ultimately care about me and want me to be able to take care of myself, but after years of this emotional abuse I eventually developed an anxiety and panic disorder. I really resent my parents because of this. I would have been fucking normal if they weren’t so goddamn crazy. I was always very laid back with a good head on my shoulders.  Since I never felt confident to do anything on my own, my parents convinced me to stay home and go to school in my hometown, but it’s been hell the whole way through. Imagine being 22 y.o. and waking up to sixteen missed calls at 2 a.m. after falling asleep at your boyfriends house. It’s made me feel like such a child. 

I’m 25 now and I’m in my final quarter of school. I graduate in June 2021. I’ve sacrificed everything to get through it, but mostly my sanity because I’ve lived at home the whole time. I have $18K in credit card debt from supplementing my life during these 8 long years of schooling. There’s no simple “why don’t you just move out?”  I can’t quite yet. My income is below the poverty line because I can only work part time while I’m in school. I’ll be able to start saving after I graduate though. 

Don’t even get me started on relationship issues haha. Codependency, fearful avoidant attachment, and relationship insecurity. It all fucking sucks. I’m pretty sure my boyfriend is breaking up with me tomorrow because my insecurities push him away so much, but I feel like such a fucking loser living at home at 25. 

I’m actually a very independent person when given the opportunity (and when I have money...) I quite enjoy being on my own. Ive solo traveled a lot. I went to Cuba for a week, Europe for a month, and California for a summer (this past summer) for an internship. Living in California was the best time of my life because I finally was free from those fuckers checking in on me and talking to me about their problems. But eventually I had to move back to finish out my schooling and right back to prison I went. 

It drives me up a wall being here every single day, in the same house and with the same people who have traumatized me. I haven’t had a chance to heal. I got a little taste this past summer, but it was just a tease. 

I’m in therapy but I feel like a need a therapist 24/7 to deal with the torture of being here. Idk how to cope. Tomorrow I’m losing the guy that I love and I still have to live her for at least a few more months. (Likely through summer 😞). I’m just frustrated frustrated frustrated. I just want to be normal and resent the fuck out of my family for creating such insecurity and anxiety within me. I love them, but I just fucking hate them until I can get out of here. I’ve lived with them for 25 years. I know trauma sort of freezes you at the age it happened and I can feel my brain being stuck at 16, and what keeps it there is living at home. Ugh. Ok rant over.