Fuck it, I hate it i really don't want to write it idk 
But yeah It's been a month I suppose, i broke up with my gf on 18 December last year cuz I hate myself so much I still remember she was on call with me and she was fucking crying cuz of something and was calling my name she probably wanted me to comfort her i wanted that too but fuck bro I was really feeling depressed as heck I couldn't say a word i got tears hearing her cry but I was silent completely I was completely hopeless and was hating it so much then finally i mustered up courage and said Hello and she said "I kept calling you, and you literally didn't said a word?" And cutted the call, that shit broked me up I didn't called her back or texted her as well and I thought for whole day and decided I will never call her again cuz I am not good at Calling, i get anxious and i could've comforted her better if we just texted 
Then i got her text that night and then i thought she must be angry on me but she wasn't or maybe she was but didn't showed that tho
But yeah this is not only incident alot of shitz happened cuz of my fucking problems i hurted her alot of times fought with her, made her fucking sad, ditched her too! Like I fucking just ask her to break it so many times cuz i really don't want her to waste time on me she deserves so much better, i really don't want to hurt her like that so i decided to let her go this time 
So i had chat with her i was trying to make her hate me cuz fuck i want her to unlove me i know that's not fucking possible it would hurt her but i guess hurting this time and if she moved on would be much better than hurting her whole year again and again cuz of my own fucking problems which I never even completely shared with her cuz i couldn't i just couldn't :/
We broke up so many times cuz i told her i needed time and never gave her a reason I hurted her like shit then will get back into her life cuz i can't live without her i love her i still do 
But then I'll again just do the same shit over and over hurting her over and over which I don't want to 
I guess letting her go will make her live happily after moving on maybe she'll find a good bf better than me atleast 
I'm still in touch with her Lil brother sometimes ask him up if she's alright 
But after 18 i texted her on 1Jan cuz i was missing her alot i missed Christmas without her i stopped myself from texting her which is hard af 
I wished her happy new year on 1st at sharp 12Am and we had a chat and i could see what I've done how i broked her completely her texts and all that were making me hate myself i regretted texting her every bit of her texts every deep text was making me feel so fucking bad i couldn't, i couldn't just face her after all what I've done 
We had few chats and then i asked her to be happy n all that shit and i slept after that 
 then after that i didn't had courage to text her again nd i still thinks the same i regretted texting her tho cuz ik that May make her happy for short term but in long term it's just dark for her nothing else,
Now it's been 15-16 days again I've not texted her but i was missing her so i made a fake insta account and faked my identity and had covos with her 
Atleast this Way i could just have a talk with her, just to make sure she's okay without fearing of hurting her anymore i know it's wrong but i keep in mind not reminding her of me via any means I even chat in completely different style ;-; 
Well everything was okay but today morning she texted me on my id and asked me to come back 
And that she miss me 
Altho she deleted the message but i saw it ;-; idk i hate it fuck me man i messed everything, everyone's life up like seriously I'm staying away from people so that I don't fuck them up but either way I'm just doing the same i haven't replied since morning cuz I'm scared idk what to reply or say!!! I fucking hate it,
I've anxiety Disorders and all this shits just makes everything worse 
Fuck it man 
Idk if anyone's gonna read this but i wanted to let it out  
Btw should I text her back?;-;