Usually when I first wake up I feel fine, but it always seems I quickly detiorate mentally throughout the night at work. Days off are even worse because I'm up all night with my thoughts to myself and silence. 

I still do my job, but I'm on autopilot and stuck thinking things like "Well I could do this method, or this one, or I can have short term fun with draining my savings account and ending it after" 

It's not even that unpredictable anymore, every day while I might get temporarily distracted from it when I'm focusing on something as soon as I go back to doing nothing the thoughts come back. 

I'm a 20 year old male doing security for a hospital, I have a GED and some lower achievement certifications. I don't know if I could handle doing community college. In regards to career my only job options that would be more/less an improvement are really just warehouse/delivery/armed sec. There's not much long term sustainability and even if there was I would still feel empty and suicidal. I can't form new connections anymore, I hit a brick wall after about age 16. 

At work even when I'm talking with someone that may turn into a confrontation I'm not that worried because I think the worst they could really do is shoot me. I'd consider it a favor at this point. 

I don't really know what I have to work with at this point, I don't feel my brains compatible of shifting into a different mindset that involves mostly non depressing thoughts. 

I quit smoking and drinking before I got this job two years ago as they drug test, which I thought would help me, but I'm still the same empty shell. 

Seeing others on this sub going through anguish is pretty terrible to see, and there is a level of respect I have for those who have improved either mildly or significantly with their disorder. It seems very challenging and takes a consistent effort. 

I don't know why I wrote this, nor do I expect a response. Just had to throw my thoughts in the void somewhere.