CW, Mentions of Violence, Fantasizing about murder, Suicide, Knives

I’m 14 and a year ago I was pulled out of school for my mental health. I’m diagnosed with Autism and suspected to have ADHD, but no matter how much people say that the way I feel is connected to that, my gut is telling me they’re wrong. I have mental breakdowns constantly and most mornings when I wake up, I really just wish I didn’t exist. I get irritated and stressed over really small things like an item i’ve put down and forgotten where I left it, or accidentally closing a tab on my PC. When I have a disagreement with somebody I get heated really quickly. That’s not even all of it either. Some days I feel like I’m going insane, I hear things that aren’t there and have some sort of paranoia that I’m going to die or something bad is going to happen. I always have fantasies of what would happen if me or someone I cared about died, sometimes maybe even being the one to kill them. Some of my dreams are also very violent and I always seem to remember the violent parts in greater detail than anything else. The most vivid moments I remember include throwing somebody over my head and smashing them into the ground face first, and slitting somebody’s throat. I also tend to come up with disgusting methods of torture for people I despise. An example of this would be running over their arms and legs with a car and skinning them alive, then hanging them from a tree and leaving them to die. Most of the time I try and keep these things to myself considering I hate these thoughts and wish it would go away. But sometimes it slips out but I play it off as a lighthearted joke. Sometimes i’ve also thought about killing myself. I’ll see the knives in the kitchen and think about about stabbing myself or slitting my wrists. Other times i’ll look at the paracetamol and think of overdosing. I always get these horrific ideas and I never want to act on them, but there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to get better. Please can somebody give me any recommendations or advice? I’m really stuck.