I recently turned 25 and have been going through one of the worst major depressive episodes of my life. I’ve had intense anxiety for as long as can remember, but lately it has seemed to crawl into every part of my existence. I haven’t gone a day in the last year without suicidal ideations. 

The thought of getting out of bed in the morning is absolutely nerve wracking. I can barely make eye contact when I pass my roommate in the kitchen. I’ve completely forgotten how to hold a conversation. I used to love to joke and laugh with people, but lately, the only thing that comes into my mind are automatic negative thoughts. “You’re a fucking piece of shit” on loop in my brain. 

I have a loving, gorgeous, engaging partner that I feel myself growing more distant from. They live 1.25 hours from me so I was able to hide my mental illness, but now I can’t put on a “happy face” during the precious time we get to spend together each week. I feel absolutely worthless as a person and a partner. 

I work from home 9-5 and haven’t the slightest bit a motivation to complete a single item on my to-do list. I’ve been falling behind and I just started. I just simply can’t bring myself to get out of bed. 

A win for me is getting up to take a shower. I just lay on the floor of the bathtub for an hour until my roommate bangs on the door. Then I go back into bed and lay there for hours. When I get out of “work” I just lay in my bed and dick around on youtube. I’m barely eating and in the last month I’ve lost almost 10 pounds. When I look in the mirror it doesn’t even feel like there’s a person looking back at me. Just an empty shell. 

I have so many people I could call that I know love me, but honestly they would be better off I was gone. Most of them don’t know the extent of my mental illnesses. I live in fear and shame.

When I can muster the strength, I write in my journal that I want to live. But I’m growing more and more aware that death would mean the end of all my suffering and that’s when thoughts of suicide roar the loudest in my head. 

I just wanted to share my experience somewhere where people might relate. I’ve recently started therapy and will be starting meds in the coming weeks. Hopefully they will bring some peace.