I feel chronically empty and I'm reaching a breaking point. I don't know what to do.

\#1: I've had a opiate problem for nearly 4 years now. At first it began because I genuinely needed them after surgery, but I got hooked and I've had trouble quitting ever since. I feel like I can't be happy without it. It helps me feel something other than empty. My day revolves around getting high, and while my problem may be less severe than other people's, it's still something I struggle with on the daily. I spend a lot of money on the pills and it's making it impossible for me to save any money. I don't know who I can turn to. I can't turn to my parents for a wide array of reasons (mainly because they're abusive, but also because my mom looks down on drug addicts) and I'm too ashamed to talk about it with my partner. They are aware of the situation and they embrace me with loving arms and are more than willing to help me, but I just can't get over my own shame. I want to get medical help, but I'm scared that if I have "this bitch is a pill popper" on my medical record that it'll hurt my future in more ways than one. 

\#2: I feel like I can't hold down a job like a "normal" person. I feel like I'm losing my mind when I work an 8 hour shift. It's so mind numbing in all the wrong ways. I'm so sick of faking a smile, laughing at the same jokes, asking people to wear their masks, my feet getting blisters. I've quit two jobs in the span of a month because of all the dread that it's brought me. I do food delivery on the side but that's a whole different can of worms. 

\#3: Just the overall flavor of life right now isn't appealing to me anymore. You know when you chew a piece of gum and it not only loses its flavor but becomes tough and gross? That's my life in a nutshell. I've tried to find the pleasures in life. I mean sure I like drawing, singing, cooking, and playing games, but I've done those things a million times that it no longer brings me joy anymore. It's enjoyable but I can't say it brings me happiness. I'd much rather go get high but I know that this isn't a good option in the long run. I can't have kids if I'm doing drugs. I can't get a decent job if I'm doing drugs. I can't be there when people need me if I'm doing drugs. I'm at the point where I kind of want to die, but I don't have the courage to end it. I don't want my partner to be the one to find my body. As bad of a relationship I have with my parents, I don't want to put that pain on them. It would be nice if I could just get hit by a car.