I've had issues with my mental health for as long as I can remember. I first thought of suicide in 5th grade, and I'm now in college. I've started seeing a therapist for the first time, but I felt like it wasn't going anywhere so I decided to do some research of my own. I found that I resonate with many of the symptoms of BPD, but have not brought it up to my therapist because I'm afraid he will see it as me self diagnosing, which is not what I'm trying to do. I'm in a relationship, and I know I love her. However, if she shows the slightest bit of negativity towards me, or sometimes shes not showing negativity and I just convince myself shes mad at me, I completely lose it. I feel the lowest of depressions I've ever felt, sometimes I get angry, and a lot of the time I feel like theres no connection between us at all. But then when she shows a more positive attitude towards me, I am absolutely obsessed with her and know she is the one I'm going to marry. I really do love her but I'm scared whatever this is, whether it is bpd or something else, is going to put a divide up between us. I haven't told her that I've been doing this research because I'm afraid she'll see it as self diagnosing, or a cry for attention.

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For the first time, I have experienced dissociation. I was terrified. I felt like I was observing my life from outside of my body. The only way I can describe it is like when you are dreaming, and you're dreaming from your point of view but you don't feel present in your body. I felt absolutely nothing and then every emotion at once.

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I'm looking for advice on how to better control my emotions with my s/o, and on coping skills when you are dissociating.