I'm already working with my psychiatrist and I'm suppose to see her again tomorrow for a progress update since last week, but I really needed to write all of this down. Does anyone else get these kind of feelings?

I'm not sure if I'm having some sort of existential crisis or if I'm in some state of mental impairment that is making me feel this way. I feel very apathetic towards my life in general. I feel like there's nothing I anticipate, or *want* to anticipate, happening in my future to make me want to continue living. Why do people live? Is there any other purpose besides a carnal or instinctual desire to populate and follow nature?

I just feel apathetic about any "reasons" that most people would consider as important for wanting to continue living: I have family and friends I could live for, I could one day get back to working (I'm disabled and have tried to get back into working for the last 3 to 4 years), there's suppose to be memories for me to make and experience in the future. But I don't really care!? Not in the sense that I don't *want* to experience them, but like I feel as if it's unnecessary and just a "perk" of being alive.

But I also feel like a lot of the struggles of living outweigh the "perks", and suicidal ideation/feelings are not new to me but this kind of is. I've experienced depression where I wanted to fall asleep and never wake up. I kind of think of that now, but not in the desperate, urgent way I have in the past. I don't entirely feel like I'm actively suicidal, but like I could do something at any moment and it feel like an "okay that's fine" kind of idea.

It's just odd to me. I feel like being alive and being dead are just kind of equal things to me right now. Nothing I want to look forward to, maybe it's a kind of boredom? But I want to want something, at the same time. I kind of wish I felt like I wanted something to look forward to. But it all feels pointless (in the sense that, yeah I could experience something, but it's not like it's a big deal or will affect me that much either, I guess?)