Hi. I recently got diagnosed officially with Borderline Personality Disorder like y'all from a psychiatrist during my hospitalization visit (caused by the overwhelming pain of being left by FP- I do not blame my FP at all) and then confirmation from my psychiatrist. I haven't run any official tests if there are any... but I check all the boxes for the symptoms. But I suspect I could've gotten it from either of my parents genetically anyways.   


Realizing I had this made things make more sense...and scary as hell. I had heard of BPD when I was younger but didn't think too much of it but was aware that Personality Disorders are usually given a bad rep.  I've lurked the subreddits and found that there's a lot of stigma against BPD people. So on one hand, "Yay I got answers." on the other it' "Oh fuck, I'm going to get so judged." and then, "Now what?"  


Coupled with this I have Depression, Anxiety, C-PTSD, and ADHD. I also have a chronic physical ailment that I won't be saying. So I am really "catching them all" with these issues. However... I know nobody in my personal life with BPD. I've met people with ADHD, autism, and a few others but not BPD so I feel very alone in this sudden additional journey I am in.   


I already am looking into DBT and ordered a workbook also. I also already take medications. My issue is the fear that I won't have a happy healthy life in the future. I'm a pretty young person and I know BPD symptoms ease as you get older given proper treatment and care... but will I ever get off of medication at the very least?   


I've made a lot of radical changes to my mindset and while my journey finally makes some sense the lingering feeling of emptiness that had followed me since birth essentially still lingers. I've faked my personality drastically in the past to the point I accepted the fake and real as mine and I switch between the two at the drop of a hat. I don't mean I have a dissociation from them or see them as different entities...but I feel like I am just playing a script.   


This diagnosis finally made the last pieces of the unsolved puzzles be solved finally. Maybe I have more illnesses who knows- but it explains a lot and answers a lot of my behaviors and why my mood switches in a blink of an eye. I'm scared of the negative stigma surrounding us. I feel as though if I say this illness specifically I will be shunned because of the negative stigma that defines us as "toxic" sometimes.   


I have the belief that just because you're toxic doesn't mean you're a bad person. The world isn't black/white in my eyes (despite my 0-100 thinking otherwise). I am having trouble trying not to see myself as the most heinous thing on the planet but also trouble looking at myself from a loving or at least, objective perspective. Does it get easier?   


I have no friends with this. I feel utterly alone with this new discovery. It provides relief but also more fear. I wish I was normal. I wish I didn't live my day-to-day life like an ongoing no-bars rollercoaster. I wish I wasn't obsessive with people or codependent on them. I wish I loved myself more. But I'm not. But there is hope for the abnormal right? We do deserve and achieve happiness, right?