I have never posted about this or talked about it with anyone. 

I have massive anxiety about sharing my feelings. I honestly have it in my head that I am not allowed to because feeling dumping on someone else is “selfish” and “no one really cares” about how I feel. 

There’s obvious reasons why I feel this way-I have been straight up told that people haven’t wanted to hear it or I get told that I’m selfish constantly. I have been also raised as an only child and I have a hard time relying on other people anyway for solving my problems. 

I have tried therapy before and I never felt like it helped because it either brings up feelings that don’t get a resolution within an hour session so I just leave completely triggered or the other therapist seemed disingenuous and loved triggering my OCD by pulling his desk drawers open and watching how I react. 

I would LOVE to open up to someone with no judgement and feel like what I share has value and that I can say literally anything without worrying about how I worded it or come across or if some random thought I voiced being judged. 

Now, when I get super emotional I tend to lock up and shut down. So even though my thoughts are racing and I have literal tons of feelings and thoughts going on I don’t feel comfortable voicing this in the moment. 

I don’t know if anyone else experiences this. 

I tend to also put everything I don’t allow myself to deal with off to the side and don’t confront it. I don’t feel like I can since I have a lot going on like my job, my kids, and my partner that has his own mental health issues. 

This is all causing a rift in relationships with people I want to be honest with and it’s getting downright cyclical. 

I just don’t know how to break the cycle myself. 

Thank you for reading and if you have anything to offer I thank you in advance.