Hello, 

Tonight I am not okay. I feel sad! I am a single mom to a two year old girl. I have been raising her since I got pregnant, if you know what I mean... it was just her and I from the moment she began...except one thing...when I was almost due child services told me my daughter would be taken at birth away from me...I knew why... I, myself have fetal alcohol syndrome and as a child and youth I has a lot of problems. I was in a group home from the age 13-16. From grade 1 to the age of 16 I was put on 12 pills a day to keep my disability at bay. I cut myself off cold turkey at 16 and have been my best self since. I moved out onto my own at 16. At 18 I linked up with a guy for 2 hours with no intentions of sex but it happened and I got pregnant. 3 weeks later I found out and he told me he wanted nothing to do with the pregnancy or me so I moved on. When I was 9 days before I was due child services told me they were gonna take baby at birth. They did. I had to fight tooth and nail to get her back. If anyone knows the child family services act its not all it's made out to be and the flaws are unreal and very harmful. I've never done drugs, smoked or drank in my life. She was taken solely because of my fetal alcohol syndrome my mother did to me. For 19 months I fought to get her back. Never missed a visit, was always on time even when the workers were late with my daughter. I pushed for more access. The court system is slow so it takes so long no matter how hard you work. My case kept being remanded. March 22/2020 my daughter came home at 19 months old. I was given strict rules and a probation period of 12 months to keep her in my care. Its still going until March 2021...

So that is the back story...so I love my daughter and I think she is the only reason I am alive right now...but tonight I really don't feel okay. I stood in the shower for a hour at 10pm contemplating life and crying. I was told by child services I'm not allowed to date, have sex, drink booze, and if I need a baby sitter for anything it has to be approved by them...so I feel super shelled in at the moment. I'm also told if I ever have another baby again they will take my baby and any babies I have. They said I'm not allowed newborns but I'm allowed to have them back ones they are a toddler. I know this seems fucked up and unrealistic but it's such the truth and its painful. I'm so traumatized and my counselor sucks because its court ordered and anything I tell him he reports to child services or the worker herself can look at what I've said or done. So I lie about how I feel which doesn't help me. I just want help without feeling like I'm gonna lose my daughter from not being ok. Please help me