I'm really tired and exhausted. Everything just keeps in adding up and I can't control my feelings anymore at all. 
I don't know what to do and feel confused and irritated the whole time.

Growing up with a schizophrenic father, a resenting mother, an Asian household with a lot of high expectations, being bullied at school and going depressed through school without any support net, being on suicide watch in 2017 and diagnosed with BPD during my stay, failing my study in 2019 because I couldn't get my shit together and last fall I was diagnosed with PCOS.

I turned 25 yesterday and I feel like a massive failure. I am nowhere near where I wanted to be.
I found a supporting partner and after my failed study I found an apprenticeship as a software developer and it seems I do fairly well at school and my job.

But no matter how well things go, I fall into self pity and victimise myself almost every single day. On bad days I dissociate hard and just stare at my screen at work for hours without doing anything productive. 
It doesn't help that I keep myself down the whole time. If I do things well, I don't perceive them as any good. I feel like I could've done it faster/better.

I really don't want to go on like this anymore. And most people don't even see how much hurt and pain I feel throughout the day. People actually seem surprised when I tell them I'm depressed and/or have BPD. I feel fake as hell because of it. Maybe I just play everything and I just need to just stop being depressed, idk. I'm so confused. 
I just want to stop feeling like a massive failure, have a sane mind.

I feel left alone, not understood and I'm really lonely even if I'm with people. Existing is painful.