Will edit when at computer later. Not entirely sure what I’m looking for here, perhaps insight or perspective. Or maybe for it to just be known in a community that won’t just tell me I’m “lucky” or “managed to escape.”

A bit of background on me: aside from decently managed atypical depression, but ultimately am just a (probably boring) normal dude. Partnered for close to five years, he and I have some stuff to work on, like any couple, but things are ultimately fine. But life has been a bit lonely, even with somebody; work friends are superficial, and there aren’t many people like us in this town. 

Enter new friend; moved here a few months ago and took a job in a different department but same building where I work. We met a couple of weeks before his start date and hit it off pretty well. I work three 12s, so I had four days off during the week; we hung out and went on hikes and adventures basically every day I was off and in the evenings on some of the days when I wasn’t. At the time I was floored by having someone who wanted to spend so much time together, but I deeply enjoyed his company and was overjoyed that he seemed to feel the same way. He and my partner seemed to get along pretty well too, even though he primarily wanted to spend time with me. Was there attraction initially? Yes. And it seemed mutual. I had a green light from partner to explore that. But friend and I both agreed that what we both really needed was just that: to be friends. 

A few weeks in I started seeing more erratic moods in him. During this time he also wanted to spend more and more time together, and for the the most part I was happy to do so. He’d warned me that he liked me a lot and that because of that I’d probably run up against a lot of defense mechanisms and tests. And I did, and for the most part seemed to pass and overcome them. I was happy that he seemed to feel safe with me. Around this time he had a bit of a breakdown that I stayed with him through so he wouldn’t have to go through it alone. I told him he was my friend and I wasn’t going anywhere, he asked if I promised and I did. This culminated in me taking him out of town for a weekend so he could relax a bit. The weekend was amazing, even if a bit sad (at the time there was a chance he was going to be moving soon). Just a few days after, he invited me on a road trip to interview for the job he might be moving for. At this point the time and energy I had spent on the friendship had started taking a toll in other areas of life to the extent where I couldn’t afford to suddenly leave town for four days, so I declined. 

He got angry initially, but seemed to get over it. Things were different after that. Requests to hang out and do things got more and more filled with demands and expectations. When we were physically together things seemed fine, he was affectionate and we laughed a lot and he treated me like I was great. When we’re apart it was different. He messaged a lot throughout the day, mostly memes and stuff, so it had been generally fine. He started getting more sarcastic and snippy and downright mean. He’d fabricate events that I was missing out on because I was at work to try to make me jealous only to later say they never happened. Things became more and more manipulative and laden with expectation. When I asked why he said that everything was a test. He became meaner towards and about my partner. And yet, again, when we hung out together things seemed great, he even said he felt safe and slept better when I was near. I didn’t understand what was going on. I once protested that the mind games felt unkind but was ignored. It hurt. My work performance suffered. My relationship suffered. I unconsciously got pulled away from a lot of my other friends. I had never been treated like this before and didn’t know how to react—especially since I knew this friend was hurting and I care deeply.

My partner had finally had enough of watching what was happening to me and reached out to the guy (against my wishes). He told him that while I cherished the friendship and loved being around him, that the mind games, manipulation, and messages bordering on cruel needed to stop and that I felt devalued and unwanted as a friend. This went about as well as you’d expect. He lashed out at my partner, but apologized. 

I was at work at the time, and when I found out I went over after getting off to try and smooth things over. I wanted my friend to know I still loved him, was glad I knew him, I valued him, and I still wasn’t going anywhere. I was, predictably, turned away at the door. So I sent a message with those sentiments and told him to take all the time he needed. Silence for about a week until a message saying my partner and I should stop in for his housemate’s (a mutual friend) birthday. My partner went first since I was at work, and I joined later. He was friendly to partner, and then went into his room and stayed there when I found out I would be coming. I was devastated. I did some research and learned about discarding and assume that’s what was going on. Another week or so of silence and I received a selfie well with then caption that I could be out with him but I “had to go and unleash my roommate on him” (he meant that as a dig at partner), text exchange was mostly civil from there until I asked if he still wanted to be friends and if I could make it right between us, at which point he told me that I was a psycho and should “act like it” instead of pretending to be nice and that he was “moving along.” I set his chat to ignore so I wouldn’t say anything I mean; later I saw that he’d messaged 15 minutes after saying he was drunk and demanding I come pick him up and bring food. I didn’t respond to that one as I didn’t see it till a day later and was a bit stunned by it. 

It’s been mostly silence since then, though he has started sending memes again here and there the last couple of days. Maybe that means he’s slowly wanting to reach back out—or maybe I just mean so little now that he thinks nothing of it. Who knows. 

It feels like it’s over and beyond repair and I hate that. And I’m tired of people telling me that he’s crazy and how lucky I am to have “gotten out emotionally alive.” There’s a wonderful person underneath that protective layer of volatility and vitriol. He used to apologize a lot in person at how annoying and embarrassing he must be to be around, I never once felt that way. I saw that beautiful part of him, and I’d still be willing to move heaven and earth to help that man. Prior to him cutting me out I extensively researched therapists (he had asked) and found the one who was generally agreed to be the best in our area. I’ll likely never know if he got that set up...maybe that’s the best I can do. I promised him I wasn’t going anywhere, and try to make good on that, but if he doesn’t want me in his life then that’s a promise I can’t keep. So I’m just here not sure what I’m supposed to be feeling about everything that just happened. I’m hurt and angry about the stuff he did to me, but I also know that so much of that isn’t really him—so most of all I just feel like there’s someone I care about in pain—and that I have failed utterly, and since I’ve likely been discarded there’s nothing I can do to help anymore. Part of me wants to view the random memes as a reason to hope, but probably not, right? 

Sorry for the ramble. I’m just confused and broken, and so damn sorry I wasn’t stronger or smarter or savvier at dealing with a personality like his. I hope deep down he knows I tried, and will continue to if he ever wants me back in his life. 

If you read this monstrosity, I thank you. Any perspective is welcomed and wanted. I hope and want the best for you all, and hope you have friends who are better able to be there for you than I was for mine.

P.S. — I’ll try and edit and shorten later. A lot happened and I feel like I only scratched the surface, but I know this post is waaaay too long. Also, in a stroke of bad luck I went to send a response meme at the same time he was sending another, so his came through and was instantly “seen”...so now he probably thinks I’m a psycho stalker.