I don't really know if this will help but I saw a lot of advices to share it to people because it might help. Even if it's just for tonight I hope it does help.


It all started when the lockdown happened. I had to do online classes. I accidentally enrolled myself into a type of class where we don't do Google meets and have a teacher teach us about the topic. I enrolled into a module based thingy where they just give us links and PowerPoints and read it ourselves. For 4-5 months I did my best passed most of my stuff before deadlines. Only missed one quiz for the entire 4-5months that I had. It started getting harder when our WiFi was out for 2 weeks, had to do it using mobile data. Mobile data in my area is really slow so things slowly piled up. At the same time my pc started acting up and I didn't know at the time but apparently my hdd started to slowly die. Two weeks later WiFi is back and I'm back to normal except for the slowly dying HDD that I didn't know was the problem at the time. 

Then the worst thing happened that led me to have this anxiety that I have today. The WiFi died again and it's because some douch bag tampered with the post where our neighborhood's WiFi was connected and mine got hit. Service is terrible here so help came after 4weeks with no WiFi. So I had to do it in mobile data. Things started to pile up again. Then we finished few subjects so we proceeded to change new teachers for the new set of subjects(apparently they had to do it this way where we only focus on half the subjects in the first half then another set for the second half) and since there are new teachers they also have different habits of posting our assignments and task. Whenever there are tasks to do they post it in one board so we don't miss any of them. But these new teachers somehow forgets to do half of it. I got so used to only needing to look at that one board and do everything in there. For the entire time until the teachers changed I only missed one but because the new teachers didn't post like half of it there I missed a lot, around 30 tasks If I remember correctly. I only noticed that I missed a lot because one day I checked on that board again(which was supposed to be empty) had a lot of tasks listed in red. Apparently I had missed those. Made a grave mistake by trusting the teachers to pin all of the task there. The previous teachers never failed to do it so I had no idea that the new ones doesn't do things like the others would. Hell I didnt even know we changed teachers until then because I never got to see them and they never talk to us. They just give us stuffs to read then answer.

I almost cried when the teacher sent us a message that a lot of us had apparently not passed a lot of the tasks yet and we all better pass make them because they won't accept the late ones. Most of the task were late already but they extended it for 2 days because more than half didn't pass. The ones that did pass were probably the ones that actually realized my mistake early on. So I slept late for 2 days just to try and make it happen but at the time I also had tests to do so I had to study and answer the tests and make all the assignments together. On the second night I just couldn't take it anymore and cried. I tried to message my teachers about it and they never replied. Told my parents about it and cried even more. Every morning for that week I cry or can't breathe. Now that months had past I never cried or felt that I can't breathe anymore but it just keeps occuring in my mind that I had to quit school just because of a silly mistake. Most of my cousin's failed and a lot of my relatives have  really high expectations for me to finish school because I apparently am the eldest  and I belong to a family that's wealthy enough to send me to college. My other relatives had either their eldest held back for a few years, can't afford college or  married at an early age. 


Everyone thinks I will succeed no sweat dropped. I failed 1st year college and now Im fricking sad I wanna die. I know it sounds edgy because of all the memes going on. Even tried to choke myself with a pillow and ended up just crying. 

I can probably write more if I want to but everything just sound dumb anyway.





TLDR: everyone has high expectations of me and I already failed at the first step because of some dumb mistake now I have anxiety.