Basically, my girlfriend and I lived with a friend of hers last year. They’ve been best friends since middle school. Everything was going pretty smooth until we had this disagreement. It was a pretty small thing, but he moved out with no warning the next day. He told my girlfriend later that he had done so because he felt that I had handled the situation too “aggressively” (I actually internalized and freaked out about this because I thought I’d handled it really reasonably- my therapist, my girlfriend, and other people present  have all agreed that this was just a reflection of his fear of conflict) and he was afraid that after the disagreement there would be “a hostile environment.” By moving out the way he did, he TOTALLY fucked us over, financially, and also frankly, emotionally. He basically behaved to my gf as though years of friendship meant nothing. And for me, it was a literal nightmare come true of abandonment with no chance for communication or apology. I’m SURE there was more than just that instance that went into his decision, and I’ll never know what that is. It’s driving me absolutely insane but I’ve restrained myself from contacting him about it. 

A few weeks later, he sent her this apologetic message, this “hey friend, I know things are hard right now, but I’m still here for you” thing. He asked if she wanted to hang out sometime. She agreed to play a game with him online but didn’t want to see him in person. She occasionally loosely interacts with him in group chats. Finally, she ran into him at work recently. Shes thinking of hanging out with him, possibly with another friend of theirs. She said I could be there as well if I wanted (though he didn’t say this himself). 

However- part of me is super, super pissed off that she won’t cut this person out. If he hates me SO much that he’s willing to pretend their 10+ years of friendship mean nothing so as to avoid me, it seems that he’s only willing to be friends with her if I stay out of the way or he thinks that our relationship will end sooner or later and he gambling that keeping her around means I’ll go away eventually. To me, her staying friends with him shows  the same lack of faith in our relationship, and/or a lack of ability to stick up for me. I hate “it’s them or me” ultimatums, but it’s feeling like I should consider one, depending how it goes if I agree to hang out with all of them if and when that happens. Idk. I know this is mostly about someone who hurt HER (and I also think it shows a lack of self respect to stay friends with him, and I’ve told her that) but it also feels very directly like this decision involves how she feels about ME too.