The majority of my life I've wanted a relationship that led to a 'together family', a happy home and marriage.

I always wanted to be married before I hit 30.

I have had no trouble finding men to have relationships with but they never work out.

I had one for 5 years, had 2 children, i pushed for engagement, planned a wedding, paid for deposits and i realised I couldn't handle the abuse for the rest of my life, so I left.

My latest relationship was for 12 years.
I have been incredibly lucky to have someone who has stuck by me for so long. And even now, when we are no longer together,  I know I can go to him if I need help.
We had 2 more children together over the years.
Again, I pushed for engagement.
Its always me. I cant not push for it. No one wants to be engaged to me without me planting the idea.
We moved in together when our second baby was born.
Living together lasted a year.
I reacted without thinking to an incident and kicked him out impulsively.
He never moved back in. Didn't trust that I wouldn't do it again.
He never really wanted to get married to me either I found out.
For 7 years we lived apart after that.
Ive lost count of the amount of times we broke up.

I dont know what it is about me but I am not relationship material.
I push everyone away. I make it hard to be with me.
I cause so many problems.

I desperately want to be a wife.
But I can't get that.
I'm not good enough. I'm no good in relationships.

Last night I came to the conclusion that I need to stop wanting the 'happily ever after'.
That feeling is still here this morning. Larger than ever.

I'm never going to get it. 
Never.
I'm too broken. Too bruised. Too used.
Who's going to want to marry someone like me? With all the shit thats happened to me my life? I am tainted. I'm not worthy of love, not worthy of marriage.

So I will stay away from romantic relationships now.
Make a new plan for being alone instead of the dream I've always had.

BPD sucks hard sometimes but it makes you realise in the most brutal of ways what you can never have.
So why dream?