TW drugs ED SA. 

I (25f) don’t really know how to word this because this is my first time reflecting on this soft? diagnosis.. basically I have had depressive episodes since I was like 14 and when I was in college I started using uppers after developing PTSD. I struggled on and off for about two years with various prescription uppers, coke etc and also smoked a lot of weed. I was sexually assaulted in 2018 while I was still in college: my mental health deteriorated and my ED got really bad. I pretty much only used uppers for appetite suppression and energy because I wasn’t eating. I was not a heavy drug user ever by any means, but also it wasn’t negligible. 

Around the same time, I started seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with Bipolar II and started me on lamotrigine. I told the psychiatrist that if I ever didn’t sleep or stayed up it was because of uppers or rarely if I was super focused on something. In general though, I’m the kind of person who falls asleep easily. The diagnosis never felt firm, honestly a few years later I am actually going to pull my records because I don't know if she actually marked it down.. Anyway, lamotrigine worked at the time to calm me down and I was able to make progress in therapy. That being said, a couple months later I developed a chronic pain syndrome called CRPS (not related to the lamictal) that doesn't have a known cause but is thought to be related to stress and trauma to some extent. 

It's now four years since I met that psychiatrist. I am moody as fuck. If I do have hypomanic episodes it's more like I have these one to three day stints where I think I'm really smart and I'm going to like become a financial analyst or a brain surgeon or something and I'll obsess over things.. I feel like I have some serious psych troubles sometimes but other times I'm like okay literally who wouldn't be fucked up in response to the life I am living in pain all the time and in this pandemic, in the US?? I now have this chronic pain syndrome and I have chronic migraines. My current psychiatrist made some comment something like "oh, if you haven't had a significant manic episode and you're 25, it may not be a big factor in your life, but it does help identify the class of medications we use for you." I'm long off lamotrigine because it started causing memory loss but I'm on wellbutrin and a bunch of other things less mood specific. 

It seems like I'm not really bipolar but also I am?? Like I don't get it. I am seeking migraine treatment right now and this form asks if I have a bipolar diagnosis..honestly I have some bipolar imposter syndrome and I think righteously so? Sorry this is so confusing but can anyone relate. My therapist seems to think I'm smart and like lets me lead my sessions basically.. but I'm drowning I have no idea how to get help rn it feels like I am both very mentally ill and also not at all