ive been shy and quiet my whole life. i think its because of this ive gotten so used to being left out in quite literally everything. a loud class filled with people laughing? i sit there and stare at nothing hoping someone, anyone will take an interest in me. a family party? everyone laughs at the fact i've left my room despite making no effort to get me out of it. hanging out with friends? every laugh that comes out of my mouth feels forced and i don't contribute anything to the conversation. 

i noticed that during the school year, i go on autopilot. go to school, try to make my presence noticed and fail every. single. time. i go home, straight to my bed, hoping tomorrows a better day. ignore my phone every time it goes off and later meltdown because of how alone i am. but during the weekend, and now everyday because of summer, i watch as everyone else goes out, having fun while i sit at home wondering where it all went wrong. i hear laughing outside and the second i leave my room, it stops and everyone exchanges glances. it's like they had pity for me at some point but i got caught doing what literally every other 15 year old does (smoking/drinking) and now im a reckless irresponsible teenager who can't be trusted, not even with being home alone. theres cameras everywhere in and outside the house, including one facing my window. so even if i wanted to sneak out and go for a walk to feel something, i quite literally can't. i lost my best friend because of my family and now i genuinely have no one. 

i cant form meaningful relationships, even if i wanted to. either i just physically cant be normal and talk about something or i get bored with trying to please everyone and isolate myself. when it comes to relationships, i feel like im preforming for them. or i use them to make myself feel normal and loved, which obviously never lasts. i just want to change but i don't know how.