ive been off my antidepressants for 3 months now. i was on them for 3 years, and i met my boyfriend during that time. i told him im going to get off of them and it might be hard at times. i dont think ive ever told him that i really wanted to die badly right before i was on them. ive been feeling like that again. its hard to cope and nothing feels like anything anymore. everything feels meaningless. i dont want to see anyone i just want to disappear into nothingness. when i think about it more i think of how badly i wish i werent alive. im never going to act on it though, i feel like its Gods say weather i live or not and i dont want to overstep that. However i deeply with i was able to just not wake up when i sleep. i cry alot to the point where my heart starts to hurt. i think too much until i get numb. 
im scared to tell him. it will break his heart that i feel like that. i dont want to worry him. but hes been asking me to let him in for the longest time. im scared not only for his feelings but also what if he doesn’t understand and cant be there for me the way i need? i dont see any pros into letting him in. i promised him i would be more open but i dont know what good this will do. especially if we break up. i cant let someone in and lose them again.