Was diagnosed with BPD when I was around 13/14. I still meet the criteria and honestly didn’t believe I was really BPD up until now (I’m 18). I just thought I was bipolar... but educating myself about BPD really just explains why a lot of my friendships/relationships went to shit. It explains a lot of how I’ve acted in the past... even since I was a child. 

I’m really just scared for my future. I’m too scared to go to therapy because I’ve had so many negative experiences. 

I love my FP. My FP is my girlfriend. But recently a lot of shit has happened, a lot of triggers. I feel as though my bpd is worse than ever ... we’re always fighting and I’m always feeling like she’s some evil person who’s out to get me when she’s really the only person who’s been there and stuck by me... she really loves me and I hurt her when I start to split. But I can’t help it I really can’t. A few times I was able to de-escalate what was happening and calm down... but other times the fights can get really ugly. I hate this about myself. I wish I could have a normal relationship. She doesn’t deserve this. And I feel like an even worse person every time. I wish I wasn’t born. I have so many thoughts of suicide every day, constantly triggered by fucking everything and splitting on my friends and family. 

I’ve been reading posts on this sub and they make me feel valid, and let me know I’m not alone. I’m aware of when I’m self sabotaging myself and no matter how many Olive branches I’m given I always knock them out of the way. I feel disgusted in myself. I guess the point of this was to see if anyone can relate to how I feel... 

Is my relationship worth continuing? It’s really hard also, since I don’t see my FP as often as I’d like. we go to different universities, 3 hours apart so it’s online relationship whenever she’s at school. Otherwise she comes back to our hometown and I spend every day with her. I’m super attached and can’t sleep if I’m not in the same bed with her or severely stoned off my ass. 

Currently 12 am and I can’t sleep. I’m out of weed, can’t get any till tomorrow.