I feel so out of character and I don't know what's wrong with me. I've always struggled with depression but managed to keep myself afloat for the past few years. Two years ago, I began taking antidepressants (Wellbutrin to be specific).

This year I feel like I've just gone off the deep end. I failed an entire semester of school because I didn't do a single assignment (Spring semester back in the beginning of the year), I started accumulating a crazy amount of credit card debt and just not looking at it. I've started hooking up with anybody. After a couple months of this, I stopped taking my medication. I was having trouble taking it every day, and I felt like that wasn't good, so I figured I'd see what it's like to just not take it at all. About a month later I lost my health insurance anyway, so it's not like I could take the meds anymore no matter what. I weened myself off of them by separating more and more time between every dose until I ran out.

I have $8,000 in credit card debt that I've accumulated by buying stupid shit like food or craft supplies. I just had to pay my rent with a different credit card because I have $10 in my checking account. I have a job, but I work online and choose my own schedule, so it's up to me to decide to make enough money. I'm struggling.

I've been hooking up with lots and lots of random people, although this past month I've been seeing somebody and think we are going to be a real couple soon. I'm very dedicated to this person and the feeling seems to be mutual. I mention my past hookups because I know that sort of thing is part of risky behavior, and I would find people on hookup apps and just meet them in the middle of the night, let them have my address and let them buy me an Uber and I would just get in it with no idea where I was going. Some of these people I wouldn't even see their face because I would immediately enter a dark room to hook up with them.

I flunked spring semester of college, however now that it's fall I'm taking less classes and thankfully I'm doing really well in them. That, and my budding relationship, are two of the best parts of my life right now.

Just a few months ago I moved. I have not unpacked anything since then. I put up some wall decor, hung up some clothes, but otherwise all my stuff is still in boxes. My room is a mess that I've never cleaned. It just keeps getting messier and messier and I feel overwhelmed by even thinking about cleaning it. I can't unpack anything because it's too messy. I don't know where to put anything. It's too messy to clean because it's so much. I feel so overwhelmed.

At the beginning of this year I had a solid $3,000 on my savings, it was growing, I was on track to graduate school in the summer, I had just ended a terrible relationship and was ready to explore and find myself and meet new people. Something happened and I don't know what but it's like I'm just completely sabotaging myself. I feel like I'm watching myself make terrible decision after terrible decision and I can't stop myself. It's like every day I watch myself spend money I don't have, and I can't stop myself. I can't bring myself to care about the future. Nothing is a problem until it's right in front of me. I don't understand what's wrong or how I can pull myself up to get things together. I put off responsibilities indefinitely, when in the past I would have a planner and notes and nothing ever escaped me. Now it's like every month passes by so quick and I have no control. I never have time to stop and catch my breath and feel ready to face the world, even though all I do is lay in bed all day anyway. Something is wrong and I don't know what to do, how to stop it, or how to fix the mess I've created. I'm still doing school, I'll be able to graduate next spring, I have a partner who I really enjoy seeing, friends that I spend time with regularly, and a schedule that gives me freedom to spend my time doing whatever I enjoy. I don't understand why my life is crumbling like this. I have no money and so much debt. I can't take care of things in my house. I have two pet lizards that I love dearly and I'm struggling to care for them. It makes me feel horrible. I do not care for them as well as I used to, I struggle to do the bare minimum.

Nobody in real life knows my situation. I haven't told them because I'm too embarrassed. It's really unlike me to get this bad and I know they would think it's out of character for me too.

I'm mostly just venting with this post but any support or maybe advice would be nice. I'm just so stressed and overwhelmed. I don't know where to begin with anything.