For the last 6 months I started to notice a very disturbing pattern: either I am overwhelmed with anxiety while I'm awake or I fall asleep at any time of the day and sleep for hours.

I have just started my antdepressant therapy. So maybe, some of the emotions are escalated by it.

1. My mother undergoing 4AC chemotherapy. Yesterday I discovered she lost 5-6 kgs just in 1.5 months! Thats a lot, consodering she eats properly and her appetitite have not changed with start of chemo.
2. The nurse yelled at me for not taking notes of her weight and height at home before hospital visit. Nobody told me to do that and stressed how important it is.
3. Her doctor mentioned that they may not be able to take her in for the fourth chemo cycle, because our state insurance may not to pay for provided treatment. (Treatment and premedication was made by original medications as opposed to cheap generics).
4. It is truly a nightmare if that comes to pass. Our local doctor's favourite frase on any question is "I don't know". Not to mention she almost got Mom killed the first time by prescribing cheap inadequate hormone therapy instead of newer better treatment regime because it was too expensive and unavailable due to hospital budget.
5. While being on lockdown, I have DRASTICALLY gained weight. I've got strech marks all over. I get very uncomfortable skin tingling when I move. I feel super uncomfortable in my new body.
6. I don't want anything at all. Just sleep and eat. With anxiety, I just freeze. Literallly. My mind jumps from one negative thought to the other.
7. I seek distractions like interesting book or game I wanted to read a long time ago. I do get immensed into it. But when I resurface back to reality, it feels even worse.  Like a double punishment for being genuienly happy and carefree for a short while.
8. I barely handle my pet needs. But he is very human social for a cat. He hates to be alone. Before, I have taken him to Moms room she could pet him and he got his share of attention. Now with chemo treatment and low blood count we are concerned she may catch something from him or get scratched.

I do get support from loved ones to allievate my fears. 

For example with the insurance and the nurse I've been told that it was just a very tired doctor and a nurse rant because they are overwhelmed with surge of patients themselves. They never had so many patients redirected from many towns before. They are concerned with growing medication supply shortage and that there may not be enough for everybody. 

But the anxiety and dread is still here. Looming. This is my second week on antidepressants. I hope and pray that this is just a phase that will come and go. 

Because It's not like gazillion of problems wasn't there before. My attitude towards handeling them has changed. From working out solutions or waiting out to get more info - to freezing, fleeing to sleep, neglecting my responsibilities and overeating like crazy.

I think the breaking point was whren my mother was taken off hormone therapy straight to AC chemo. Her losing hair and weight. It really sucked the strength out of me.

Rants over. Whoever read this to the end, my heartfeit THANK YOUU and regards.