I turn 18 in 2 months. I've never had a job. I don't even have an ID. I've struggled with drug addiction since 12 years old.  Which led to trust issues between my parents and now I feel so underprepared for the future. I have so many goals that seem so close yet so far away. I feel so much anger, hatred and resentment towards the world towards my family and towards myself. My brother got his first car at 15 years old. It was a fairly expensive mustang. He would get another one about a year and a half later and yet here I am about to turn 18 and I have not a single clue how to drive at all. All I want to do is make music. I feel like I try so hard just to get forward just to be equal with the people in my life and yet I'm constantly told all I do is sit around My music doesn't matter. My passions don't matter. My feelings don't matter. Nothing matters. I feel lucky enough to be able to deal with these feelings in a more healthy way. After years of therapy and multiple suicidal episodes, I can finally say, I don't believe I'm in danger of hurting myself. It still doesn't change The pain I feel. I have nobody. The people who I used to believe were my friends I would learn we're using me. They would lie to me and take advantage of me and anytime that I needed them they would never respond. My parents won't listen to me when I say I think I have ADHD. They won't even get me tested even though after doing research I feel like it would be beneficial to at least find out if I do in fact have it. My day-to-day life is so difficult. I can never focus on anything or do anything for longer than an hour at a time. I overeat I'm constantly exhausted and I really need to get a job even though I know I don't nearly have enough energy to spend half of my day working. It doesn't matter what matters is that I get forward in life that I continue to grow but I feel like I'm at such a crossroads where I'm helpless. My parents keep saying We'll get you an ID. But it never ends up happening so I can't even apply for a simple job. If I just had a little bit of freedom, maybe I can find more happiness in my day-to-day life. I constantly feel so much hatred. Not in the violent way but no way that I explode in anger over small things. I feel so judged for being who I am. I've never been very masculine I've always had a hard time confronting people or standing up for myself. I hate fighting. And on top of that I'm bisexual. Which usually wouldn't be a problem, but living in Tomball, Texas it makes my life extremely hard. I even think I might be trans, but I already know that my family would never allow me to be trans. About 2 years ago I began wearing makeup because it made me feel powerful. It made me feel like I was able to express myself. My family would constantly tell me I was not allowed to wear it in or out of the house. I always knew I was a freak. From day one I knew there was something wrong with me. All of the other kids seemed so carefree while I had so much empathy for other people. That I would become depressed when I would hear somebody else get yelled at in the class because I would put myself in their shoes. It's silly to really think about like I wasn't even the one who was yelled at. Why am I feeling sad? My extreme sensitivity eventually became easier to manage once I began abusing substances that lasted most of my teen years and only recently have I found peace within substances by only occasionally using marijuana and maybe a couple beers here and there. It was definitely a step up from snorting pills and doing other dumb s*** that was wrecking my brain. Though as I improved, nobody ever seem to notice my parents still don't trust me. They still think that I'm some sort of pill freak even though it's been quite a while since I've done anything that would make them think that. Of course I'm to blame for the horrible s*** I did. As I grew up and matured, I realized that I had been essentially robbed of the early teen experiences such as growing responsibilities, getting jobs, having friends finishing school, half of these things were taken away from me by COVID. The other things were taken away by my own selfish acts as a young teen and I realize that my sins are much too great to be forgiven. Living in a religious family is extremely hard because I see the hypocrisy in my family one day. They will say that you should never hold on to what is in this world because it is all meaningless compared to heaven in which I don't believe in, but whatever. Then the next day they will blow up at me because I used a towel to clean up some noodles. I'm constantly looking for things on the internet to relate to but never can find something quite at the level that I feel. I guess the best way to describe my mental state would be in the music that I listen to nine inch nails the downward spiral. Marilyn Manson's Antichrist Superstar. Nirvana. This extreme anger and sadness is really hard to talk about with people, especially since the only people I can talk to are my mom and dad. And what really sucks is I can't even make music when I'm depressed. I just don't have the energy to get up and create a track. I don't even have the energy to strum my guitar. This is kind of a rambling but I needed to get this off of my chest. I think of achieved a lot in my life at least for my standards. But at the same time I feel like I have an achieved enough. I know 16-year-olds who have more than I do. They have money, a car, friends. I just feel like I'm so under prepared for what's ahead of my life. I'm not too far off from needing to get my own place or go to college or whatever, but I don't have the experiences that I need to have in order to achieve these goals. I have a quote from one of my songs that I think perfectly describes how I feel most of the time. "I regret letting you inside of my head. I regret being me at all"