i was 8 years old ,when my dad forced himself on my mom , i was there in the center , you know y i was there cause i had nightmares , even though i had my brother next to me , 
i once told him i need hugs ,he said what to do hug and kiss you .?
i was 10 years old ,my mom  and my grandmother got i to a fight, i had to eat bread and milk for 3 days 
i used to admire my brother , i used to wake up at 4 just to go get prasadham ( no clue i never liked it)
he used to make me pich his backpack untill home and i would do it with no question because i always thought him as a role model ,
he wend ahead and took my room and i never talked 
his marriage was one week after my marriage but i still came and smiled
first time i talked to him about my breakup he said , you are disturbing my drink season and slapped me .
he screwed up , became nothing , quit college and married on my father's money and i reaspected it ,when he did that i really wanted make my family happy again ,but i am not able to , 
i always wanted to see me as a brother he did.i had astama at 12 yrs guys , every since then i cannot live without a inhaler, 
i became a alcoholic to be normal again 
i am not bipolar, i am not depressed, i just wanna be a normal guy .. please help me ( i my English is bad i am sorry)