i mean i hope. i’ve gotten so wildly depressed and suicidal i don’t really care anymore. i think im just going to do things and figure it out as i go. 

im not talking about robbing convenience stores and moving to iowa. i’ve spent my entire life anxious and overthinking and caring too fucking much about what people think of me. if im going to die eventually anyway by my own hand or some freak accident then i might as well get out of “life” whatever i want. 

i cant keep being so fucking miserable. at least if im miserable i can do that shit at the beach, i can go ahead and drive myself there and cry or whatever. i’m so uncomfortable on my own and i crave friendship and intimacy but maybe that’s just not going to happen in my life. maybe i need to be a little fucking crazy. 

im gonna start planning little excursions for myself. will i stick to them? who knows. i’m going to throw away most of what i own. i’m not worried about doing risky things anymore. when a scary man was harassing my friends and i at twelve in the morning a month ago i popped right out the car to scream at him. i really hoped he had a gun. there’s so much life on this earth that mine could be replaced incredibly fast. 

i wish i had someone to go to new coffee shops and gardens with. i’d love to share interests. i’d love to swap houseplants and see movies. i wish, but this is reality. i’ll be alone in that car.