My depression before the pandemic was bad but now it's even worse. 

I'm 31. have no idea what I am really doing with my life. I am lost. I am unhappy. I am annoyed with myself for being unhappy. I am guilty I'm not being grateful enough. I have a full time job, I work from home. I hardly have any work at my job. It's the dream scenario for many, but yet the boredom of my job is impacting me negatively. I worked really hard in college and afterwards just to ease the pain of my depression, but it didn't get me the career I wanted. When I was in college, I joined different activities, volunteered and did a ton of different things. For whatever reason, I was not really liked by others either personally or professionally. Even though I do all the things that depression holds people back from doing-going outside, networking, meeting people-nothing ever clicked. 

I hardly have any friends. I moved around a lot as a kid, as a result I went to 3 high schools, 3 middle schools and 2 elementary schools. I'm not in touch with a single person from college. Everybody I met in college took advantage of me when it came to borrowing notes or copying off homework but when it came to being friends, I had literally nobody. I have been random friends' 'therapist' when they were going through some life crisis because I am good at reassuring people due to the pain I feel myself. Once people get what they want-the job of their dreams, marriage and what have you, I'm out of the picture. I'm lucky if I actually get invited to people's weddings. I'm not the friend people want to have fun with, but I'm the first friend people think of venting to when they're miserable.

I have no siblings. I'm watching people my age either get married themselves or have nieces/nephews that keep them busy. My parents had a terrible marriage, but I feel lucky to be close to them. But the issue is that they themselves have mental health issues. Their depression and anxiety along with our problems is the reason I have mental health issues. My mom is a workaholic and hates her job and goes into extreme detail complaining about work everyday to me. Everytime I have a financial issue or some money goes to waste (for example I wasted $10 on a gym membership once), she'll say something like "wow! you're throwing your hard earned financial income like that?" My dad is a little less negative in that sense, but he spends almost all his free time watching YouTube videos, sometimes about depressing news and politics and just talks all the time about it to me. When I am already depressed, I feel like others' depression just makes me feel even worse. 

The only thing keeping me connected to people is social media. But social media has been making me depressed too. Twitter is not as funny anymore and kind of annoying. Instagram is just a way for me to realize that everybody has friends whom they're having the time of their lives with whereas I have nobody to do things with. Most people I know seem happy and has a positive environment around them surrounded by loving family and friends. My family is unpredictable with their severe mental health issues, friends do not exist. I have zero romantic prospects. I was never eager to be in a relationship to begin with but I've tried dating apps and not unsurprisingly, it never worked for me. I get connected to absolute weirdos who say the most unhinged things. I've only went on one date in 5 years of dating apps thus far and it was boring as hell.

I don't know. Life feels so bleak. It feels insanely harder to make friends. It feels impossible to find love. Everybody around me is miserable and depressed. Work is boring. Working from home has its perks in that I can cook meals/work out during the day, but besides that I feel isolated. I do try to start hobbies and do things myself but even when I can focus sometimes, I fall into depression again thinking what's the point of all this. I just started therapy again and am hoping it will help. But thus far, I feel even more depressed than ever before.