Ever since Christmas I've been lacking all meaning and enjoyment to life. On my 17th birthday I remember coming home early from school to lie on my bed googling my feelings of not wanting to live and then crying as I was met with suicide hotlines and realising I was suicidal. Thinks got progressively worse as I started to feel trapped in my own head unable to escape reality and started thinking of how I might go about killing myself. 

Only 3 weeks ago after starting antidepressants and starting to disassociate finding life a living nightmare, I walked down to the bridge above some train tracks. None of it felt real I felt no emotion towards it I just knew I wanted to die. I became so disconnected to reality I completely forgot about everyone in my life who loves me. I lit a cigarette as I was waiting for the train to come. Before the train came a friend called me and I picked up. They quickly realised something was off, and when the train came it seemed not scary but inviting however, I could let my friend live the trauma of me jumping while on the phone to her. I ended up asking if I could stay round hers until my mum picked me up.
I felt really guilty because I saw everyone upset about my state while I felt complete emptiness and no sadness to the prospect of dying.

Only 4 days later my brother hanged himself. That was the worst news and seeing my mums devastation made me feel even more guilty than I could have left my parents with no sons and my sister with no brothers.
My brother was 36 and he struggled with drugs and alcohol. For ages I had been wanting to reach out to him since he had completely blanked me for about 3 years at this point when I was around. My parents tried to protect me and my sister from him since the drugs had affected him really badly and over many years tried their best to help him.
This really hurts as the last time I saw him was in the carpark but I avoided him like my parents told me. When in actual fact that was one of my last chances to speak to him.

Today I went to see him and it really shocked me into reality since my disassociation from the tablets had me in denial for the last couple of weeks. I am also coming off my medication as they were making me more suicidal.

It really is the worst thing as my family had fallen out with him over supplying drugs to my sister so non of us had closure with him.
I would give anything just to have had one last proper conversation with him.
But now I've lost my big bro who would've looked out for me if I really needed it.
Despite his issues though I was always Really proud of how talented he was many things and really did love him.

I now have no idea what to do with myself even more than before. I still think about killing myself but feel like he took that option away from me. I feel no purpose to live for.

I am being supported by family and professionals but u don't think I will ever be truly happy again or find a reason to live.

Rest in Peace Brother