I don’t know if this is BPD related. I think it is. I feel like it is. But I can never, ever be alone. 

When I have a day off of work, or whenever I’m done with work, all I want to do is go out with friends. I need to. I have to. I can’t be alone, because whenever I’m alone, bad things happen. Thoughts wander to places they’re not allowed to go. I don’t allow myself to ever think of anything bad, but when I’m alone that’s where my thoughts go and I get depressed and I cry and I feel so so left out, alone, and abandoned. I don’t know what to do. Are my abandonment issues just that bad?? I just can’t…allow myself to be alone. I can’t. Ever. Must always find people to be with. It’s not like I don’t enjoy being with others, I love it. I need it. The problem is I need it all the time, forever. And whenever it doesn’t happen, I get crushed. 

There was one time I was going to hang out with somebody but they had a bad mental breakdown and they weren’t up for being with people. I get that. That is a valid reason to “cancel” on somebody else. But I still felt rejected, alone, left out, forgotten, and I cried about it the rest of the day. I felt like people weren’t looking out for my feelings. I knew it was selfish but that’s what I felt like anyways. Because I just…CAN’T. BE. ALONE. What do I do???