I don't really know what to do anymore. 

My FP broke up with me two years ago because my depression made his depression flair up, and he couldn't handle it. I've tried my hardest to get over him: I've tried going on dates. I've talked about it over and over in therapy (with my DBT therapist). I've tried focusing on myself. But the problem with that is, I really just don't like myself and I haven't since I was 12 (I'm 26F). 

I've tried at least two dozen medications since I was 14 and have been in therapy since then as well. I'm still seeing my therapist and I talk to her every week and try new coping skills. 

I miss him so much, which makes my depression and suicidal thoughts really bad. 

But with this COVID-19 thing happening, my anxiety and depression has gotten way worse. I'm an assistant at a hair salon (training to be a hair stylist. I just got my license a month ago), and I live in Georgia, which means oops I had to go back to work last Friday. We are taking all of the safety precautions we can, but I'm just upset at society as a whole, but I won't go into a rant about that. 

And to just be the cherry on top of my terrible thoughts, a client at the salon thought that I was pregnant yesterday because I have a little belly from weight gain. I'm not pregnant. I haven't had sex in two years and I already hate my body. 

My urge to self harm and/or commit suicide has been so high lately. I've talked to my therapist about it and promised her that I won't do anything this week until I talk to her again. I intend to keep that promise. But my thoughts are so loud in my head and I am so miserable. I don't have the energy to do anything enjoyable, even something as simple as coloring or watching a new TV show. I just lay in bed on my phone when I come home from work. 

I don't know what I want out of this post. I guess maybe some support? I really don't have many friends at all. I just want to die all the time and I don't know how to make those thoughts stop. 

TLDR: I've been having suicidal thoughts because of a break up and COVID-19.