Lately I've been feeling completely detached from everything and I really don't know what to do. Realistically I've had this all of my life, but as of a few months ago it's really started to sink in. I'll go through my backstory real quick and then explain my current situation, so you know how I feel and why I might feel this way.

The backstory: growing up I lived in a pretty rough household. I was the youngest of 4, so my parents had already lost their spark when they got to me. Not only that, I received some pretty shocking news at 11 that my eldest brother and sister were only half related to me, and that their dad died when I was 5. My mom was on and off medications for things like schizophrenia, MPD, depression etc and when she was off it she'd often take her emotions out on me. Because of this I developed a very strange coping mechanism of pretending like I was on a TV show. Everything I did was for the "audience" that was watching me, I always thought in 3rd person, the "audience" would say things like "oh I feel so bad for [my name]. She's not wrong in this situation" or "omg I can't believe [my name] did that hahaha". My actions were done because of what the audience wanted and nothing felt real anymore because it was all scripted, and I never tried hard for everything because my life felt like it all fell into place.

Fast forward to now; I've pushed away friends and family because it feels like they don't even exist anymore. Everything is empty and I've become numb. When I talk to my boyfriend or whenever I go to his house I act in a way that is expected of me, like "you're at his house now, you have to kiss him", "text him a heart emoji because it would be cute". I don't feel like any decision is my own anymore and that I'm only doing things because I should. Not only that, I don't even resonate with my own name anymore. I work in a job where I have to introduce myself at the beginning of each call I make, and it doesn't feel like my name, it just feels like that's what my name should be. None of my memories feel like memories, if I had to explain it it would be like watching a compilation of videos from a family's "precious memories" folder on a computer in a house you broke into. You feel bad for watching them, and you have no resonance with the people in the videos, but you can't help but watch. Instead of being numb, all of my emotions have been extremely hightend, further pushing away my loved ones because of how easily I can go from happy to angry.

I really do not know what to do anymore, I'm sick of telling my dad and work friend about my problems and I already asked for an ADHD diagnosis (they never got back to me so I guess they don't think I have it) from my doctor's so I don't want to go again and ask for a different diagnosis a month later. Does anyone know what this could be? Or could anyone give me advice about how to feel like myself again? It's gotten to the point now where I don't want to be alive but I don't want to die either and I just want to cry and stab myself in the stomach.