I was diagnosed in February. I’m 41. My marriage of 13 years was falling apart. At the same time I met someone else. He’d been diagnosed with BPD himself but is now suspected autistic. At the time my husband and I were in an open polyamorous relationship, so meeting thus person was not the cause of our problems. 
Everything went very quickly between my sweetheart and I. We felt meant to be together. He seemed to understand me better than anyone ever had before. He was so supportive, so kind. I felt so safe with him. Like I’d found home at last. Finally found someone who didn’t judge me for my patterns if behaviour. On top of that I had started therapy and was in medication that has meant that at long last I don’t get angry anymore! Anxious but never angry. This I thought would be good for this new relationship. For the first time in a relationship I have never lashed out in anger because of fear etc.
I left my husband. Moved into a shared flat near my sweetheart. I asked that we be monogamous because we are both dealing with a hell of a lot. He has not been mentally or emotionally very well since lockdown because he lost all his routines and coping mechanisms. 

In the two months since I’ve been here though Ive has so much to deal with emotionally. An impending divorce. Not having my daughter with me. Worries over my eldest daughter who lives in Ireland and struggles with her mental health too. Worries over my sweetheart who has barely left his flat in two months and has needed a lot of love and support. 

I have kept needing reassurance. I get scared about who is in touch with online because he hasn’t been in a monogamous relationship for 6 years and most of his friends are exes. I’ve kept needing reassurance because he’s 9 years younger than me. I’ve kept needing reassurance because I haven’t worked in 10 years and feel like a mess and a failure. I’ve kept needing reassurance because I am Borderline and I’m afraid he’s going to leave me.

Two weeks ago after he had two meltdowns a week apart he refused to see me anymore. He accused me of all sorts of stuff, of violating him, of getting into every aspect of his life, of not seeing or listening to him. I’ve been in a terrible needy over the top spiral ever since desperately trying to reestablish communication with him to try to sort everything out to understand what I did wrong and how we can do better. Eventually Saturday he cut me off on social media etc. He’s never said what he wants or why everything went so wrong.

Sunday I hear he went out for the day after saying he couldn’t leave the flat the last two months but even to come to my flat. I wanted to die, it was such a battle not to self harm that night. Thankfully I managed to reach out to a friend despite feeling so intensely ashamed of sounding like and over dramatic bitch. It turned out shed self harmed in the past and understood and she supported me with messages till it was past. 

Yesterday he sent me a message just before my psychiatrist appointment saying he is thinking, has zero trust right now and won’t be pushed into a decision by guilt or impulse so I’d waiting to have a clear head. 
My psychiatrist says his behaviour has been emotional manipulation and that it is extremely damaging to me, that refusing clarity is torturing me. I don’t believe that though, I don’t think he can consciously manipulate, I think he just can’t cope right now.

I’m in such a mess now though. He is my FP. He’s the centre if everything and I’m falling apart. I’m now terrified every time I speak to or send a message to anyone that I’m going to drive them away. Every message I send I go over and over in my mind afterwards until I get a response wondering if Ive said anything that will make them cut me off. I feel like such a massive burden right now. I hate this illness it ruins everything.