I didn’t have much of a childhood. I try to be grateful but it’s just the truth. It consisted of broken plates, lots of yelling, waiting for Dad to come home, Mom being emotionally unavailable, etc etc. When I was younger I had a tougher time dealing with it all. Every time my dad would yell at me or my mom, my heart would start pounding and I would start feeling nauseous and dizzy. Every time he hit us I would freeze. 

During this hard time my mom decided to put me in a hockey team where I met my future boyfriend. He basically fell in love with me at first sight which I think should’ve have been a sign our relationship was doomed to fail. The first couple of years of him and I being in love with each other (but too stubborn to admit it) were one of the best years of my life. This man was everything my father was not and he treated me like I’ve never been treated before. Maybe a year after we finally decided to label what we were he found out who his biological father was. His dad had died a year prior to this discovery so the news was hard on him. And me too I guess. The man I loved and felt the most safe around became a literally copy of my father. Learning that his bio father was a r*pist, and the reason his mom could never touch him or show him affection broke him but he took it out on me. Initially I did whatever I could to make it better for him. I begged him to stop abusing me and weak little me had the audacity to still be in love with him. Months later he tried r*ping me and then uni started. 

Going into uni I was still heartbroken and maybe still in love with this guy. After all I had known him for about 11 years. At this point he had no way of getting to me because he didn’t know where I lived. So I was doing fine. Made some friends that really helped me get through this hard time but I barely focused on school and just wallowed in self pity.

I tried weed and alcohol. Became destructive. Would sleep in till 8 PM. List goes on. I get an email from him asking for a redo of our friendship. Apparently he had been to therapy and changed for the better. He did not. Go to therapy or change. He physically and emotionally hurt me again and I was finally over him November 2021.

I have a boyfriend now who I met during this first semester of uni and I love him more than anyone in the world.  I’m just scared. When we first started having sex I couldn’t even let an inch of him inside me without feeling pain. I randomly get triggered by things that happen in the bedroom because of what my ex did to me and he is forced to deal with it. I’ve now reached a point where I cannot tolerate any sort of disrespect from men and any mean comment sets me off. My boyfriend has never complained and has been so kind and supportive throughout all of this but I can’t help feeling like a 
burden.

Bumped into my ex last night and he touched me again and I froze and became the weak girl I used to be and now I also can’t help but wonder if I even deserve the love my boyfriend gives me. It feels like he got a broken mess (very insecure and sensitive) of what I used to be and I feel like I was selfish to get into a relationship despite knowing I was traumatized by my past one.

I don’t even think I ever got to learn what real love was before I met my boyfriend. I wish I didn’t feel like I dont deserve it. Do I?