 I am in my 30s and ever since I was a kid, I wanted to pursue my dreams as a stuntman and pursue martial arts. Ive always been self taught since I couldnt afford to go to a martial arts school since I was a kid, and been that way since. However, when I graduated high school, I was ready to pursue my dream, by teaching myself...however...so many circumstances happened...lets just say it was all my fault. I kept failing and failing and even injuring myself because I was neglecting the importance of proper training and such. This also affected my schooling and I ended up going into deep depression....for more than 5 years. Because I kept failing, and I see my friends that once started as amateurs already living their dreams in the movies and performing arts. And here I am, just alone...isolating myself. Because they all told me "I told you so". I really did horrible mistakes and most regrettably...I hurt my parents. I ruined and embarrassed them in front of their friends. After living my life as a hikkomori (recluse), I was able to get myself to graduate and land an ok paying salary....but my love for martial arts in the entertainment business is still there.

I feel like I don't deserve to pursue my dreams, and atone for the mistakes I made by probably working for a career to help people...I probably will be ok...probably. At least im living and still alive. Grateful that I have two feet and keep on living while so many people younger than me have died and have physical problems. I try to live by that everyday.

Everyday, I try to make up the mistakes, even try to prove to God that I'm sorry. Especially sorry to my parents and the people I've hurt and didnt listen to.

Do you think because of my history, is it worth to try at least once? Yet if I try to pursue it....I have this deep regret. Deep anxiety. I have not even tried once because I started to develop social anxiety.

Sorry for being negative.