I just joined but I've been reading for a while. Ended up here after reading some threads on dissociation, looked into the disorder and finally found a name for things I've been feeling as long as I can remember. I've got all 9 indicators and past abuse that is linked to it. Had about three separate panic episodes today leading up to me asking my mom for help (Four years ago I was in trouble with my school before for self harm and an eating disorder that a girl in my gym class reported me for. We still haven't talked about it). The exchange lasted a total of thirty seconds in which I told her I want to see someone because my panic attacks are getting in the way of everything. Unfortunately tonight my parents decided to have some sort of party. She started yelling at me loud enough for all the people downstairs to hear. Her exact words were 'you know what, I'm gonna need you to TRY. What you're doing right now is wallowing. Go downstairs, get some food and some water.' I slammed the door on her and have now decided that the only thing left is suicide. I'm 17, turning 18 in a few months. I truly, really wanted help I don't want to be this way I want to be okay and I want people to be able to love me. I've been anticipating this moment for years, in which I finally reach out to my mother for help. I can hear them laughing downstairs and someone said my name. I have nothing now.

Edit: I don't think I stressed the significance of what happened. I've spent years building the courage to ask for help. I've thought of a million ways to do it, and I've almost done it at least 20 times. I have never felt so rejected in my life, not even when I was kicked out of my dads house. I cannot relate how little I have to live for.