i’m new to the subreddit so please forgive me if this kind of stuff usually isn’t posted. i just discovered this community existed and needed to talk to someone. 
recently my BPD has been so hard for me, and so hard on my boyfriend too. i feel like a terrible person for making him endure me and all of my mood swings and lashing out and i honestly feel like a crazy person. 
something specific that triggered an episode just now was how my boyfriend told me that he felt like i was being rude to him the other day. for context we had gotten in a fight over something minor when i was at his house a few days ago but i just started to have an episode and literally listed absolutely everything he had ever done wrong that made me upset with him. i could not stop crying and screaming and he was there for me the whole time and drove me home and kept asking how to offer support. but then today when he said in the nicest way that he felt like i was being rude during my episode, which i absolutely was, instead of taking it and apologizing and thanking him for being patient with me and waiting to bring up his feelings until now, i started to cry and have intrusive thoughts. they’re telling me to kill myself because he doesn’t love me anymore and he never did, and that he’s going to get tired of me and leave. i feel so awful for subjecting him to this. i’ve been trying to draw to cope and have been listening to white noise to drown out the thoughts for a few hours now but it’s not working and my chest is tight and my head is just so loud and i just need to know that someone is there.