Firstly I think my anxiety has increased due to many factors, including a couple of bad trips on psychedelics. Also this text might come off as a bit preachy, that is not my intention and i merely romanticize things when i write. 

Since I was quarantined for a week (that was 2 weeks ago) I've had anxiety attacks every day, some days it last the entire day. I had to go through many different theories, the one that was the most damaging was the sudden belief that I might have a brain tumour. (since I get nauseous and very flat vision during the attacks). Obviously, this is a wild conclusion to reach but in that state the mind will look for any and all explanations. 

I've always wanted to be that "damaged anti-hero" since I was a little kid, I liked to read and watch movies and those were always the characters I gravitated towards. And now that I'm here I realize that in life we get what we wished for, but everything has its dark package and that is what I have to go through now. 

I used to look at panic attacks and see the exterior things, the hyperventilation, the shaking, the flat vision etc. I would take those any day. It's the internal things that are what panic and existential terror is truly about. 

When I'm in these states I get locked in a room that lies at the deepest parts of my mind. If you struggle, you'll never get out of there. To reemerge you have to ease yourself out. And when your pulse is at its zenith that's obviously not an easy thing to do. 

What happens in that room is from an objective standpoint truly fascinating. For once in life, everything seems clear to me. All the existential questions now have answers that I, at that moment, fully and truly believe. 

To be honest I feel smartest when I'm in those states; like I've seen something that I shouldn't have or that humans are not allowed to bear witness to. I pride myself in my mind's abilities, but that backfires when your mind is reaching conclusions so terrorizing that the greatest writer and thinker could never be able to describe them. It cannot be understood by any other than yourself, and you can only see it clearly when you're locked in that room. As soon as you get out that understanding you had is like a dream you can only feel the presence of but not recall. 

So what I now think is that we that experience this (and every human will at some point experience this form of terror) are witnessing the truth of existence in all its sublimity. That is what I wanted my whole life and now I see that there truly is a brutal price for everything.