Ever since i got diagnosed late last year, i've been avoiding catching feelings like the plague. I slept around A LOT, but it was all just no strings attached. At one point i was seeing someone who was in an open marriage, and honestly it was so much easier for me; because i knew he would never choose me over his wife so it was like a relief to not be scared of getting attached.

Anyway I met up with this guy. It was supposed to just be a hookup but we liked each other enough to meet up again and he asked if we could start dating. I've told him all about the BPD. We get on really well. He's sweet, and he somehow knows how to deescalate when i start getting upset. Though at the same time, he hasn't seen me at my worst yet.

Now i'm not sure if i'm just not very into him, or if i am and i'm just repressing my feelings like crazy. Ever since he asked if we could start dating i've been making a conscious effort to not turn him into an FP i'm super obsessed about. I've been making sure i do the opposite of what i would typically do for an FP; i changed my hair without knowing if he would like it more or less, i hardly ever initiate meeting up, i'm not planning our wedding in my head (lol), etc etc

I don't want to turn into a monster again. I don't want to be waiting for his messages, i don't want that awful sinking feeling when my dumb brain has convinced me he's fooling around, i don't want the rages or the fights. I've also been thinking, wouldn't it be healthier for borderlines not to have their SO as their FP? Or does that just not happen?

Ugh i'm just very conflicted right now. He recently told me he thinks he's falling for me and i don't know what to say. Advice and previous experiences are very much welcome.