I've been avoiding this post with every excuse in the book for the past 6 days. If I don't say it (or type it)

it won't be real.

I moved in with my partner when I was 19. The first time I moved out of my parents house, immediately after leaving my first real relationship which also happened to be physically abusive. The relationship with my now spouse was never perfect....but it was always "normal". Whatever the hell that means. Looking back now, I was struggling with PTSD &amp; BPD. When I met him, his routine and predictability wrapped me up in a warm blanket of safety. Something I had never known before. Long story short- I married someone based solely on comfort, which at the time, I believed was love. It was in  a sense, I just don't believe I was ever in love. After 4 years of me practically begging him to ask me to marry him, he complied and after 4 year we did.

It has not been an easy road. I am hard to love- to put it very simply. I am a very passionate and vocal person. If you know me, you know how I feel (when I want you to). However, I have a lot of issues with my mental health. I am a very secretive person and I am easily upset. My partner on the other hand- has very few beliefs/views he is set on, other than that you can generally describe him as apathetic. Since we've met 11 years ago, we have grown in opposite directions. My set of standards and morals are completely different, my priorities nowhere near the same. He, on the other hand, is exactly the same. 

To spare you the very long details. We have grown apart. The life I pictured for myself is nowhere near what I'm living now nor will ever live. We have conflicting religious views- both at opposite ends of the spectrum. I think we resent each other. A lot. We cant have a conversation without obvious signs of tension, our communication styles are very different and we are both reluctant to forgive. Even with this being the case, he is happy and willing to ignore the obvious as long as I stick around.

I've had many discussions with him on my feelings towards him. I've begged numerous times for change. I've made my unhappiness well known. I've been in therapy for the past 6 months and am trying hard to communicate effectively, to work on my issues, to see my faults and fix them.

I have belittled him, disrespected him, made him feel insignificant. I've embarrassed him. I've made him lose friends. I've made him lose sleep. I hurt him in more ways than I can count and he has stuck by my side. Ultimately, I feel like I owe him. I feel like I have to stay, even if my pleas for change go unheard. My self loathing reminds me that it's exactly what I deserve. I can't be mad at him for treating me like the garbage person I am.

We are stuck in this cycle of living like roommates. We don't touch. We don't spend time together. We have none of the same interests or goals. When he does try, I feel like its too little too late. Am I wrong for feeling like I don't want to try anymore? Is it my BPD making me impulsive? Will I ask for a divorce and lose everything I've known only to wake up in a week to nauseating regret? I feel like I'm being selfish. like even if I do leave, I'll never be happy either way.

I want to add that I honestly don't believe that he thinks I'd leave- he knows my religious stance on divorce. I did bring it up a month ago or so and he begged me for another chance. There has been no effort. To be fair, I don't think it would make a difference if there was.

Am I wrong for wanting to start over? Am I wrong for not even wanting to try at this point? Am I wrong for being willing to break a vow I made before God? Is this me being toxic?

My therapist said I should look at the situation from an outside perspective. 

Maybe I have it really good. Maybe I don't even deserve the love he does give me