
I feel so dead inside. Like I’m sat in a room full of people and I still feel alone, I know have family and friends but I’m alone in my head like no one really understands my Brain, overthinking or getting in to states where I’m sat thinking of nothing. Just sitting and feeling so alone, going out, seeing people living life it does nothing, yeah it distracts me for a few hours but as soon as I’m alone I’m really really alone. I keep getting told that ecigs arnt good for me and the red bulls arnt good either but it feels like it’s the only things that are even slightly getting me thru each day, I feel so alone and so hurt my heart feels heavy and my head is so fucked all over the place. I know maybe all of this stemed from my dad suicide attempt but after what a good 5/6 years I’m so fucked up and I’ll never move on from this pain I feel in my chest when I think of the future because I don’t know if I wanna be in it anymore. I don’t know if I want the future and everything’s killing. Sometimes I don’t shower for days on end because I simply don’t have the energy I don’t brush my hair or take care of myself often enough and I just feel so unhappy in everything and I don’t know how to change that. How? Tell me how because everyone keeps telling me im not alone but in my head I am. I have no energy. I got in these moods where I can’t get out of bed or bother and somedays are so bad that I just sit and think about everything but I feel like im in a trance where I just can’t move. I have no motivation and everything just hurts. I can’t even explain the hurt I feel in my chest and my heart my I feel numb, empty, alone, like I’m already dead inside and I’m trying so hard to keep pretending to be me but I’m loosing myself deep inside I’m trying to find the old me but I don’t know where she’s gone, I can’t find her but I want her, I wanna be happy, I wanna be the person Everton is happy to see. I’m just a ball of sadness that is becoming more and more noticeable and Christmas is around the corner I don’t feel anything, no excitement, no happiness, no nothing, I feel like I’m already dead . It’s like even when I think I’m hiding my feelings people see straight through it and tell me they know there’s something going on and I just wish I could explain but I can’t. Nobody’s house feels like home, not even mine, I feel out of place in every way and I’m hurting so fucking much how do I stop the pain. I just want it to stop but how do I tell my family this without breaking them into a million pieces. What’s the point of other people loving me if I don’t even love me ? I don’t sleep, or I sleep too much, I have so little hours sleep or far far too much to the point where nothing seems enough and I just wanna know how to stop the pain that weighs so heavy on my chest, and I feel like people tell me they understand  but they don’t, tell me how you know how much I’m really hurting because you don’t. Noone gets it, no one understands my pain in my own head, yeah I know I have a family and a job and I know there’s worse people out there but they arnt me, they arnt in my head and they don’t understand the struggle in my own head, somdays I don’t wanna be alive, I want peace in my own head, I don’t wanna be numb anymore. But suicide isn’t the answer, it’s just other people lives your ruining and how’s that fair ? It’s not, but I just want this feeling to stop, this feeling at the pit of my stomach when I think about having to go out or go to work or do anything. I just wanna be out of my head. Not even just the fact I’m going through enough in my own head but Elliott had to come along and fuck me up a bit more, leaving me wondering why I wasn’t enough for him to try , why I wasn’t enough for him, or why I’m not enough for anyone not even friends like the Chloe who cancelled on me for someone else why am I not enough? I’m there for everyone else but who’s there for me ? Me and that’s it. I deal with all my problems on my own. I’m still trying to process why he did what he did, why he was so horrible, why he treated me like shit when I gave him the world, I want to know I just wanna scream at him and tell him how much he really hurt me because I don’t think he understands in the slightest. Why does he get to be happy and I’m here in the mud, I don’t wanna do this anymore, I just want to be at peace with myself but how ? Someone tell me how because I can’t do it on my own anymore. I’m not hungry, for once in my life I’m not just focussed on food or eating I don’t even want to, I eat because I know I have to but i just can’t be bothered, I just don’t want to, I don’t even have the energy. For once I’m not even thinking of anything, I just want the hurting to stop and I’m so far down the hole that I can’t even begin to see the way out. There’s no one to help me out and I’m just getting deeper and deeper, how do I get out , how do I get this pain in my head and hurt to go away? I just want to know how to make it stop. Working isn’t helping, but nothing in life is helping, going out doing things living just isn’t what I want at the minute. I just can’t get away from anything, this feeling, the crying every night because the pain just gets too much. No one deserve to ever read this , so for as long as I can I’m gonna keep it to myself because how’s it fair . I just wanna be six feet in the ground most days, I just don’t wanna feel. I’ve had some really rough moments in my life and right now, I finally know what rock bottom feels like, constantly fighting with my own head and I don’t know how to make it stop. I just want it to stop, I’ve got no motivation to talk to anyone I don’t reply for days on end simply because I can’t be bothered. I feel so numb and alone in my head. I just don’t think anyone really gets it. feel like the worlds crashing down on me and I don’t know what to do. I’m not happy , not in myself and not in anyone else and it’s no ones fault. But I’m hurting unbelievable amounts and the little tasks that are so easy for everyone else in their day to day lives are suddenly becoming difficult. I can’t brush my teeth , or have a bath, or look after myself, I can’t sleep, I over eat and I feel fat. Every part of myself I used to love is slowing fading away and I’m scared that’s how it will always be. You can’t burden other people with your problems all the time it isn’t fair and it never will be. The world is on my shoulders, counsellor after counsellor they don’t work, talking about your feelings. It doesn’t work, it’s just a way of another person just trying to live trying to convince you that you can be fixed by a little bit of talking. I feel like I need something more to make me happy because I can’t do it myself, and the world can’t do it either. Getting out of bed talking to people and going to work as usual is too hard at the minute,some days more than others that id rather have no money than have to leave the house and show the world how much I’m really hurting I just can’t stop being sad. Most days I can’t even give you a reason why, i just am and the world would tell you that it all starts with you , but it doesn’t , you can’t heal yourself and no one else can heal you either it a journey that no one can help you with. Im dying inside and I don’t know how to keep it in anymore. I know I have family, I know I have friends and I hate being told that because that’s not the problem the problem is in my head and people don’t seem to get it , it’s a battle in my own head. Everyone thinks I’m a great person that I’m happy but it just makes me feel fake because really I know I’m not.  I wish I could help but it’s hard when I hate myself. I hate my fat arms and my fucking massive stomach, my fat fucking thighs, my stupid fucking spots that never seem to leave, my fat ankles, my double chin, I hate me. I don’t want to be me anymore. 
I’ve never felt so suicidal then I did tonight, I just don’t want to be in my head anymore, I thought about everything , life everything and I’ve never wanted to kill myself more then I did today. It was so strong tonight and it was scary because I wasn’t thinking of anyone or anything just that I wanted all this pain to stop. I want to be at peace with myself in my head but I know that’s not coming any time soon. I just can’t do this anymore.