TW: suicidal thoughts, friendship conflicts, swearing, abandonment 

my best friend (L) (20f) and i (21f) got into a really bad fight almost two months ago. i need to objectively know if i am being exhausting. we got into a heated argument all because of a scheduling conflict. she accused me of replacing her with another close friend of mine (K), which could not be further from the truth. both of these friends are of equal importance to me. it was my birthday and K and i were supposed to go out for drinks but we had to reschedule due to bad weather. unfortunately, we had to reschedule for the following day, when i was supposed to see my best friend. the plans with L were never set in stone, and we never had a time set. however, L initially was not bothered by the possibility of rescheduling and was actually excited because we planned on bringing another mutual friend (B) with us that upcoming weekend. B was coming from out of state. i thought this would be a great idea so that L, B, and i could go all go out to eat together and catch up! a few days pass, and L completely switches up on me. during these few days she was still sending me memes and shit like normal. the day before we have plans to go she starts accusing me of shit like, “you’re replacing me with K because she lives closer,” “you’re throwing me away for someone you’ve only known for a few months” (K and i were coworkers for a long time), “you only see me when it’s convenient for you” (i offered to drive out to her not that long ago but her boyfriend said he didn’t want any company at the last minute), and she just kept making me feel awful and brought me to tears. my mom heard me on the phone with L and wanted to know what was going on. she says, “L stop treating (me) like shit. She’s sitting here crying” and L says, “well it didn’t sound like she was crying. you’re invalidating MY feelings.” we were so shocked tbh. honestly, i could go on and on but that’s the gist of it. shit just kept getting worse. ultimately, she ended up blocking me, which she knows is a HUGE trigger for me. i apologized a million times, my mom tried to talk to her, my boyfriend tried to talk to her, everything. she won’t speak to me. she absolutely hates me and says i invalidated her feelings. she sent one of her friends after me, and her friend just annihilated me about how i’m such a shitty person to do this to L. tbh, i don’t even know what i’m apologizing for, but i feel like i did SOMETHING wrong. i have tried calling her and texting her multiple times but nothing. i am absolutely devastated and questioning everything, especially since we have  had a tumultuous past with arguing. however, it’s never been this bad. she always gets mad at me, and i don’t know what i’m doing wrong. i’m sorry if this made actually no sense, but i’m really having a hard time. i feel like i’m an awful person, and i just feel so sorry for everything. i wish i could redo everything. even if you just took the time to read this, thank you.