Good morning, evening, whatever it is where you live. Huge trigger warnings for lots of stuff : suicide, anorexia, hospitals, drugs. So hi, name here's Danäé, I'm a 17 and 7 months old french girl (excuse my english) and this is pretty much it. I've been mentally ill all my life. I'm diagnosed with a high IQ and I already struggled a lot when I was very little. Lots of existential crisis. Then I was bullied for 4 years. I don't have a father anymore but I don't mind. I've been in and out of hospitals for so long. I've had so many trips to the ER. One trip to the reanimation ward. Been detained. Dropped out of school. Been completely isolated. So many suicide attempts. Overdoses. Bad trips. Seen many different professionals with different jobs yet no results. Been on so many meds with no results. I have anorexia, and it's making life a living hell. I have BPD, with all the depression and anxiety that comes with it. I have a drug addiction, which is the only thing I enjoy doing. I've been a kleptomaniac at some point as well. I've just been kicked out of yet another hospital and transfered to yet another psych ward after drinking alcoholic hand gel to get drunk. I'm just fucking done. I accept that this is it. This is a cancer that's been growing ever since I was born and I can't fucking take it anymore. I'm at the terminal stage. I'm waiting for the 1000€ I'm going to receive when I turn 18, to blow it all on drugs and partying and then just be done with life. I've tried so hard. So many times. Nothing ever fucking works. Or did I really ? It doesn't matter anymore. I just can't take it anymore. So young yet so fucked up in my head. I've accepted that I was going to die at 18 years old, in a ditch beside a bar, at 30kgs, from an overdose. I am okay with it. In a twisted way I think i somehow came to like this way of living. Always on the fence. Playing with the limits. I love drugs and being skinny. It's fucked up yet I love it in such a twisted way. I am always tortured with those thoughts, how will people who love me deal with my death ? Yet even that can't change my mind. I'm at peace with my decision. It is okay. It is fine. I am okay and fine. I wouldn't say I led the perfect life yet I kind of like it the way it is. It's just the path I've chosen to walk. Now if only people could just not care about me it would make everything easier. I don't get it. I hate myself. I am worthy of the worst and nothing else. Why do people still love me ? I'm not funny, I'm not pretty, I'm not smart, I'm not interesting despite everyone telling me I am. What do they see in this shell of a person that I've become that I don't see and have never seen ?  I wish they would all just leave. It would be so much easier to finally rest.