I'm 17 years old right now, hence I'm not 'officially' diagnosed. But my therapist and psychiatrist have both told me I have severe symptoms of BPD and I've checked all the symptoms and everything checks out from more or less the start of my life. I suffer from major depression and have ADD too, but none of these 'labels' ever really affected me. But this diagnosis has really gotten to me, let me explain why. My entire childhood (like till I was 14-15) I've always felt like there was something wrong with me. When I looked back I assumed it was depression but like not much, but that never felt quite right. It was more of this emptiness every time I was alone no matter what. It was the fact that I always had this gut feeling that I'm doomed to never form real relationships. And I know I am too young, but every person I have generally cared about, I have self destructed my relationship with them in very intense ways and it hurts so much and the pain never goes. I've engaged in intense amounts of self harm and it's almost impossible to stop. I've done so so so many impulsive and awful things because I self sabotage and just think I don't deserve good things. I don't exactly want comfort about everything will be okay because that doesn't exactly help. I just feel like I'm doomed for things to never work out and I will always emotionally feel empty and alone and if i ever have an opportunity to find someone I love, I will ruin it. Every single symptom checked off for me in the most intense ways ever so I would really appreciate if people don't undermine my diagnosis or whatever because of my age. I just feel so hollow and numb right now. I just want to mess something up for the heck of it and I know that's really pathetic. The only way I fill this void which has increased since I lost someone very dear to me because of my nature is by hooking up with guys I shouldn't be hooking up with or just trying drugs and self harm. And I don't know what's frustrating is that I don't exactly have an excuse, if I lose someone I can't just be like 'hey I have BPD that's why I always fuck up it doesn't mean i don't love you' because it hurts just the same for the person ya know? And it might even show that it's much harder for me to improve. And with ADD and depression I don't know it feels like medication makes some if not much of a difference and if I ever tell teachers I don't feel good or focusing is too hard, they are more considerate, but when I fuck up or have outbursts or hurt people it just isn't the same, understandably. I have the most warped self esteem in the world too. And a really big part of my life is dissociation. I can remember my first derealisation episode when I was 10 years old, at that time i cried because I was so confused, but my family and I assumed it was just dehydration. The episodes increased over time and when I was old enough to research i wanted to understand if what I had was a real phenomenon or what or was it something everyone always felt or what. Then I learnt what it was which was a relief because it was always so weird to explain it to someone. But at this point I'm perpetually dissociating and the strongest doses of the strongest benzos also don't particularly help. I hate myself, I want to die and I'm just so fucking sad and miserable and empty and numb and awful. And I hate it when I feel happy because I know it's gonna be ruined in 5 minutes. I hate feeling the intense love i do for people because I've always known I'll suddenly start hating them if we get too close and I freak out or they do one wrong thing or I'm gonna suddenly yell at them for something stupid and by the time I'm calm i'd lose the person. it's all just terrifying. I don't know what I expect from you guys but 'it'll be okay' or undermining everything or telling me i'm just a kid will really piss me off. And also, because at the end of the day I have lost every single person I have genuinely cared abpout and even if I find new people the pain never relaly goes away and it just messes me up more. But I'd really apreciate any kind of response. I am getting the help I need and have improved in terms of depression to a very small level. i'm less suicidal now