
For the past few years i’ve struggled heavily with a binge drinking issue. My dad (58M) and my brother (28M) are both alcoholics who drink around a half to a full liter of vodka daily at the minimum. Neither have ever had behavior changes from their drinking or hurt anyone when drunk. It’s not the same story for me, as I get very angry when drunk. One day a few months ago my friend who i hadn’t spoken too in years after a falling out was visiting (I have a lot of baggage with her and she has bad addiction issues). My friend was 21 and I was 19. My mom (58F) gave me her debit card to buy lunch and i was having really bad intrusive thoughts about alcohol so i got my friend to use the card to buy us some. I had something really bad happen to me when the friend was present (this lead to our falling out), so i think the anxiety about that is what triggered me to make the bad decision that day. I am definitely not defending the behavior, just providing context. I got blackout drunk and forgot to hide the drinks from my mom, and she went into a fit and started insulting my friend and calling her a manipulative liar and basically tearing apart her character for getting me the alcohol. In my blackout drunk state of rage, i threw some of my moms stuff out the window (like electronics and clothes) and my dad tackled me and was holding me down and hurting me. He wouldn’t let go and my arms were being constricted really bad so i bit him to get him to let go, and i had really bad bruises for a long time after that would sting badly whenever i took my shirt off. I don’t really blame him though because he wanted me to stop doing it and I was belligerent, I just have thoughts about it a lot when i’m with my dad. He called 911 and he couldn’t even remember my age when he was talking to the operator. I tried to run away and the cops found me at a local school. They were basically berating me and would laugh at me and roll their eyes when I asked if I have to respond to their questions. I was worried they would try to twist my words against me and try to arrest me. They said that if the amount of items damaged were above a certain amount it would be a felony. I found out later my dad asked not to press charges and lowballed the price of the damaged items to them in order for it not to count as a felony. The police tried to keep me there for a really long time and were mocking me and trying to trip me up by asking all these leading questions. I’m not mad at my dad for calling the police because he was scared. The experience was disturbing to me though, but i’ve had other experiences with them from previous suicide issues. 

Anyways, my dad says he’s kicking me out after that and cutting me off forever as soon as they move into their new house in a month. I got a job immediately, dropped out of school, and was trying to get everything together to avoid homelessness. I was heavily avoiding contact with my family. When they move into the new house, my dad invites me to continue to live with them and tells my mom and I that he never threatened to kick me out and that that’s a lie. 

I began talking more with my family, and then I really started crying and breaking down on my birthday because my mom had gotten me some gifts and i told her i didn’t deserve them because of the items i had broken and shame i had caused our family. My mom said that everyone makes mistakes and that i was drunk. My dad just pretends like the event never occurred and is really cold and distant as usual. He just sits and drinks in his room. I went out for dinner with them on my birthday and it did go well though. 

My parents are going to visit my brother (28M) in Oregon and asked if i’d come. I decided to, and they said my boyfriend could come on the trip too. I am excited to see my brother but I am worried about being around my parents for a long time. I constantly think about what happened when I’m with them. It makes me feel sick thinking about the mistake I made and how I hurt them. I don’t know how to let the thoughts go. I don’t know anyone who treats their family as bad as i do or has these destructive addiction issues. I am getting better about the drinking and I have only slipped up once since this incident in late July. My mom says they don’t talk about it anymore and they’re over it, but i don’t know how they could be. It was such a horrible thing to do and it was so embarrassing how I almost got arrested. I often think about hurting myself over my embarrassment and guilt and I struggle a lot with self harm. I don’t know how to escape these feeling or make it up to them. How can I move past these obsessive negative thoughts when i’m on the trip and improve my relationship with my family? I know this sounds like a weird issue but I just can’t move past what happened. The shame never goes away and I feel like such a gross abusive dangerous trashy person. I don’t know how I can let the feelings go and feel like I have made up for what I did.

TL;DR - have major alcoholism problem, got super drunk and destroyed my moms stuff after a fight, cops called, now I feel really awkward being around my parents and I don’t know how to fix our relationship and make my thoughts about what happened go away when i’m around them