Been having depersonalisation and derealisation since I was 16 I'm now 20 and don't even know why I have it. Maybe anxiety, maybe trauma-related, maybe a combination of both. I've always had some hope of recovering and could mostly ignore it, but my hope's almost gone now.


I remember going paragliding 2 years ago and hoping that the thrill and excitement would just snap me out of it and everything would be normal again. Didn't happen. On the contrary, having good experiences makes dpdr even more painful because you can't make them yours, theyre just flying by in front of your eyes. Sometimes I try really hard to get my vision focused but everything stays blurry, I try to be in the moment but I somethings holding me back and I don't know what or why.
I might be in my room and suddenly get the feeling that the room doesn't feel like it's mine at all, like who the fuck bought all this stuff? I have tons of personal stuff on the wall, pictures, books, music etc. but it doesn't feel like they're mine

I have a 'fun' life but I feel so uninvolved. In high school I could recount every single detail even of a boring day. I really had 'days' even if it was a bad day. Now, ask me what I did today/yesterday/last week and I have no fucking clue and got to think a while before I remember, the past is like one big blur of things that just 'happened at some point in my life'.
I can't think clearly, sometimes not even the simplest of thoughts can get through the fog.
And heightening alcohol/weed use isn't making it any better.

Started to develop some ambitions in music but am too lazy/tired to work on it or do any other productive/creative things even though I really want myself to be more creative. Instead I'm constantly seeking dopamine, getting high every night and then going to sleep way too late.
Now on top of this, last semester I've been losing motivation/interest in school and I think that's pushed me into a more depressed state of mind, combined with a general existential sense of meaningless and mainly emptiness. I'm still eating healthy, maintaining good hygiene and kinda doing my best at school but emotionally it's getting worse and worse. Recently I've also been feeling like I have no one to really connect to on a deeper level, like my depersonalisation has sort of pushed me into my own world. I do have lots of friends but I'm starting to feel like they dont really care about me or even hate me.

Sorry if my post isn't really cohesive but I really needed to vent and also wanted to say how much depersonalisation sucks.
Feels like being mentally tortured very slowly. I can't imagine having this disease another 5 years and don't wanna continue living if it doesn't go away.