It was ok for a few days but now something old has returned. I think about it sporadically.

What does he want now? He responds only every 4 days with a few sencences... what do I even still want from him... He's a symbol for what I will never have. So often have I tried to find a guy who is the same type as he is. And it never worked. I am just not good looking enough.

My mind went to his virginity because I recently wrote another guy again who wanted someone to have sex with. And now he had and I was not there. Somehow, this looks like a lost opportunity. Generally, who wouldn't want his first time with someone they think are attractive... so not with me... all my friends have good sex life... so what went wrong that I ended up with this mess... alone... without anyone clearly saying what they want...

The guy who took his virginity is the classic fuckboy. They even met againa after he realized it and "broke up". So all I have learned over the past year is that looks matter most and I have neither looks nor personality.

How often have I felt this way over the holidays... I've lost count...