since my diagnoses, i'm starting to understand why i do the things i do and why i feel how i feel.

i now get why i identified so much with the girl in the movie prozac nation. she was an insufferable bitch but i act the same exact way and have the same thoughts, especially with my family. i always felt guilty about it, like "how dare i feel this way when my life isn't even that bad."

i get why i have intense anger and bitterness inside me. i get it now...the mood swings. the intense self hatred. the paranoid thoughts about my relationship and my constant need for validation. the fact that i always ultra analyze every facial expression a person has and the paranoia i have about people hating me. the spending of money, the risky sex. the spiteful and mean things i tell my family and mom and then feel really guilty about.

the fact that i always change my goals and future plans and i struggle with identifying a personality for myself. my constant emulation of other people and fantasies of being somebody else.

and i've like, idk, recently been thinking a lot about my childhood, you know? the fact that i was always home alone as a kid. the fact that my mom used to verbally abuse me and tell me i was an evil, manipulative kid. that i was a "bad" kid. that i "tortured her." i was difficult and extremely hyperactive. she got called in for parent teacher conferences all the time. my mom's threats to me about giving me up to a prison and having me live in a cage. i bet she doesn't even remember saying that stuff to me. the fact that my stepdad was always right and i was always wrong. when i try to bring it up she says i'm being dramatic and i always blame people for my problems, just like my father the drunk. 

and i distinctly remember never being happy with myself or my identity, even as a kid. i would always emulate friends and copy people's personalities.  and now i just feel like a blank, neutral canvas of nothing. like there's nothing there and i have nothing to say and nothing on my mind.

sorry this is a lot to type.

but i guess it's all finally making more sense.

i wish i could feel like how normal people feel.

i wish i could be genuinely happy and excited about things. 

i wish i cared about things. but i'm too lost in my own messed up head. 
