I am in a relationship with a borderline lesbian. I can fly into a rage when I am triggered by abandonment, saying the worst things, just getting the feeling out of me as quickly as possible... but sometimes I can catch it before it goes into rage territory and just say "I feel abandoned, I just need to be seen, heard, listened to!"

My partner seems to think that even when I say the above and don't go into rage, she should ignore me until I resolve my feelings on my own. Just total ice out, ignore, abandon, no response, doesn't answer the phone. She thinks she is training me like I'm a bad little child and will eventually stop this behavior if she ignores me long enough. She hasn't figured out that her training isn't helping me at all. In fact, her training is teaching me just how to hurt her. She ignores me for hours or days when I am feeling abandoned. It's the most painful feeling in the entire world and I have the urge to hurt myself when this happens.

When she is feeling abandoned, I specifically ignore her desperate cries. I only do this to show her how bad she hurts me. My real instincts when she is hurting are to run to her and calm her and hug her and say I'm here, I see you, I love you, I won't leave you. But, instead, I do everything possible to hurt her, block her on social media, delete comments, turn my phone off, and ignore her for hours on end.

We have the most pure loving connection, a cosmic real love that is rare. And we stab each other in the heart week after week. 

She was raised by her great-grandma, a mean old narcissistic woman who saw her as a burden, and she treats me the same way, and I think she thinks she is helping me. Her caregiver probably thought she was helping her too. All I need is kindness and warmth and I am happy to give it back. Right now, since she has abandoned me yet again, and ignored my cries to be seen, I am planning ahead at all the ways I can hurt her back when she is in agonizing pain feeling abandoned...