I hate being so incredibly self destructive.  I will start to do good, feel good, etc. Then... BOOM it is all lost when I have an emotional break down or get so stressed out that I lose it.

Right now:  My partner is out of town for a total of ten days... TEN LONG DAYS. I am currently on day three and.. *sigh* I feel pretty darn empty. During the day I keep busy, hang out with friends, babysit, take walks, clean the house and genuinely feel fine enough.  But at night... I feel so incredibly lost without him around. So.. I text him and didn't hear back for a few hours.. within those hours I went on a bit of a psycho texting spree... 😣 I KNEW that it was wrong and I knew that I should just LEAVE HIM ALONE. After all, he is on a trip with some very close family friends (adults and children) and I'm sure he is just busy with them. I KNEW that he probably wasn't up to anything aside from time with them but in those moments of my emotional break down, my brain had convinced itself that he was up to something bad. My brain was saying I NEEDED to hear back from him and I NEEDED to know exactly what he was up to.    *Sigh*.  I hate how destructive I am.  Finally he did message back... The moment he did and the moment he said he was just heading to sleep.. I felt a flood of guilt and shame. I feel embarrassed that I act this way and I feel ashamed that I messaged him so many times. I want to be better than that. I want to have control of my insane thoughts and worries. I try to calm down but my heart always races, the tears begin and I just feel SICK to my stomach when I am in a panic.  

I am just ranting really and hoping to talk to anyone willing to talk.  I am SICK of this cycle of panic. 

Also.. I am now emotionally eating a lot of junk food.  *Sigh*