So basically this my preexisting knowledge… I know my mom and aunt have it (pretty sure it’s from my grandmother) and I think my dad has it, so the odds are technically high. I have BPD, Major Depression, and OCD tendencies according to two of my recent therapists. I also have arachnophobia which I think has worsened a bit lately, as I have more frequent exposure to spiders in the dorm I live in now. I’m 18F btw.

I also have realized that I worry quite a lot, mostly as it pertains to my relationship, so I always tally that up to my BPD. The last time I went to my physician, my blood pressure was a bit high. I also have a history of heart palpitations which have recently resurfaced somewhat. A cardiologist attributed it to vasovagal syncope during PMS some years ago. I don’t think I’ve ever had a real anxiety/panic attack.

Now I’m back in school (first week back) and struggling to focus on my work. I sit down and try to start, then get distracted, fidget, procrastinate, try my best to give all my attention to what I’m doing. All the while, I'm internally stressing over how I'm not focusing and how little sleep I'll get by the time I'm done, if any. I took less than half a page worth of notes on a 12-page reading assignment over a span of hours because I couldn't seem to just read. Then I start to feel tired and just want to sleep, or even take a nap, but I can sleep very heavily–even through multiple alarms–and I worry that I'll wake up in a frenzy to find that I'm almost late for class or class has already ended (this happened too many times in senior year and it was embarrassing to explain).

I don't know what I really expect out of this post. I just had to post it somewhere to get my thoughts out. This is extremely frustrating and I feel disappointed at my lack of discipline and focus. I don't even have an especially heavy workload at this point, so that really worries me. A part of me wonders if it's late-onset ADHD but I don't think I meet enough criteria.

I'm not in therapy now because of insurance stuff (in another state for school) and I'm avoiding using the school's insurance and services because it's so expensive. But I do think it's time for another assessment very soon.