Lately I’ve been realizing that the majority of my adult life has been this weird limbo between being in control of things, feeling like I’m just on autopilot with no real input, and a bad dream. Not to say that I just have pure blackouts that I slowly come out of but lots of detachment from reality for extended periods of time where I’m there but not really there. I’ve been talking to my therapist about it and she at least is reassuring that it’s a common thing with severe trauma and sounds more in line with my existing diagnoses than a dissociative disorder. But fuck do I hate it. It scares the shit out of me. Right now I’m thinking about how yesterday morning I went on a mental health motorcycle ride to kinda clear my head a little and enjoy some fresh air and today I realized I couldn’t remember if it was yesterday or the day before nor could I remember where exactly I rode. Granted I just went out riding aimlessly but I typically have near photographic memory for travel and direction so that thought was worrying. 

I don’t remember the vast majority of my engagement. I remember the beginning, I remember some good memories, but most of it I feel like I was just fully on dissociated autopilot. Where did the time go? What was I doing? I don’t remember our engagement trip to Paris outside of a few happy moments or traumatic moments for me. I hate having blank spaces in my otherwise photographic memory