I've noticed a pattern in my parents. Everytime when my sister is not around. My parents fight (stop talking to each other). When she's close to come by or comes here. They magically just start talking to each other. I don't know if it's just me. I hope I'm just over exaggerating ig. Ahhh maybe it's just me Lol. I mean idk, but it's really sus.
Everytime I try to defend myself from them when they start screaming at me. I get ridiculed and punished for being disrespectful. When in reality and I'm not even raising my voice nor my hands. Just speaking normally. I have no idea why they keep saying that I disrespect them and that I'm the most disrespectful and disgusting daughter to ever exist.
Idk why they hate me. I try to forget and put myself in their shoes and think: maybe it's Anxiety? Depression? That's causing this? Idk .
For example whenever my sister (she's older than me soooo) does something disrespectful they all just laugh it off and do what she wants. And when I try to talk with them or even chit-chat with them, They start yelling at me for no reason and they just tell me to f off bc I'm annoying :/
Sometimes I try to talk with mom and spent more time with her, but she always says that she doesn't have time. It's the same thing for my father, he always says that my voice annoys him.
When in reality I just want to make them smile and make their day y'know. 
Now I'm left with depression, anxiety, panic attacks, anger issues, abandonment issues and social anxiety ...
Idk but why me? My sister is more successful, sometimes I get jealous but I still love her and hope her the best.
 I tried so many times to end my life but didn't succeed bc i still had some hope. Now I know I'm too much of a pussy to do it, bc i don't wanna die. I wish I was fearless and just did it already like millions of people did before me.
What's more worst is that my boyfriend broke up with me in the summe. I'm feeling lonely and i don't have many friends. But in still grateful for everything tho.
I became agressive at a really young age due to not having friends, and no one wanted me around. Even when picking up teams for PE. I got left out. I was like "if no one loved me I'll make them fear me instead" wish was really a bad idea but meh ..
I'm not sure why I didn't have friends.
I changed and now I'm trying to put a "cool and flirty personna" all the time just hoping to get friends. But it didn't fully work. I'm awkward and just not funny at all.
I'm doing bad at school and my parents keep on pressuring me to do great. We recently had an exam and i did pretty badly at it Lol.
But I gave up a long time ago. I'm only still working on it just bc i want to become something in the future, and I want them to be proud of me at least one time in my life.
I have epilepsy. And whenever I get a seizure my mother would be there for me and hug me wish makes me break down to tears in front of her bc i love her hugs and her attention that I never got when I was a kid. Even normal things with my parents make me feel happy, even seeing my parents not fighting and talking to each other and laughing. I get so happy. I start to ask myself, if I wasn't there things would be even more better than this. They wouldn't have to waste money either on my school/clothes/epilepsy meds. Wish would leave them with more money, and not wasting it on someone like me who don't deserve that shit. I don't even deserve the air that I'm inhaling rn. Damn me.
I wish I was my sister. I wish I was anyone really. I'm just so tired rn. Currently crying Lol.
It's depressing to know that one day I might do it. It would be amazing.
But SH will do for now. I hope i would die sooner. 
I wish I would die a really quick death and just be done with it.
At least just before all of this, i just want a friend or a boyfriend/girlfriend (I'm bi). But no, i don't have no one at all. Even my friends i only have just normal friends (the kind of people that you only speak to, to pass time, not bc you're besties). So it's not really happening Lol.
Now I'm forced to write all of this shit. Bc first : i don't have someone to talk to. And second : i want to look back at this shit and laugh at myself for being such a weight on everyone's lives.