(Let me know if this is not the right place to post this.)

I have 3 incomplete subjects (INCs) for grad school and 2 of them will lapse TODAY. I did not do anything the week before and I was just continuously procrastinating. I know the consequences: it will delay graduation for a year and my plans of studying outside the country (which is really important to me)

Moreover,I got a research grant that requires me to write something a language but everything has to be reimbursed. so my boyfriend lend me $5000 to start off but I am not writing anything even if there’s money involved!!! 

I recently quit my job for two years because of the ‘toxic work environment’ and so I can focus on writing these damn things for school and research grant. I’ve dreamt of working from home yet here I am, not doing anything. I’m letting the INCs pass by and I’m avoiding paperwork. I don’t feel any pressure nor any physical manifestation of stress. I’ve been anxious in like forever but today I don’t feel anything. The INCs should be easy to write but I have the refusal to start them, or even just to look at the references needed to write them. 

I used to enjoy philosophy, calligraphy, art, psychology, and history but I don’t want them anymore. I bought lots of books and materials that is not being used. I was into History of Ancient Greece a few weeks ago but the passion  died out. I realized that I feel the fire whenever I am researching about these things  but once I need to focus on them, I couldn’t understand them anymore. (I read a mythology book for four times and I don’t remember any event or name) I have the obsession that I need to know everything before moving on (that’s why I was trapped in this rabbit hole) so I just couldn’t move on, I’m always at the beginning. 

I quit my religion too, and stopped talking to my other friends. I couldn’t quit smoking and caffeine tho. I tried to justify that maybe the things that’s happening to me is just part of cognitive dissonance or learned helplessness. 

I want to quit grad school and possibly start a new life but I know I couldn’t do that because I might screw that “new life” again. 