I’m pretty young but for the vast majority of my life I did not have friends. In my elementary school days I had like 2 friends and they were just in school friends. In the 7th is when I finally started to gain a solid friend group though still not out of school (besides on ps4)


That summer it was the height of quarantine. Didn’t change much for me at all didn’t do shit but rot away in my house every other summer. But I had decided to get back on ps4 even though I was horrified to talk to them again. We chatted and they were happy enough to see me which was cool. Then I didn’t get on for a while. 

When I decided to get on again they were really happy to hear from me again. This was the first time in my entire life where people outside of my family were happy to hear from me. This made me so happy I actually cried that night for what felt like hours.

8th grade sucked really bad even when I went back to school in school most people thought I was weird. Looking back I don’t blame them but now that some people liked me this hit really fucking hard. This drilled into my head that I was just a worthless piece of shit. This was when I started to really consider suicide and started slamming my head into things or punching myself. 

That next summer though I joined the community pool and this summer was and probably still is the highlight of my entire life. Besides the girls there with some minor exceptions I was very well liked in my eyes and even invited to hang out other times outside of the pool.

The 9th started out rocky getting used to it but quickly became amazing. I was meeting new people, hanging out outside of school, and going to school events. If there ever were a time in my entire life that I felt confident In myself even as minor as it was. 

Than a group of girls I knew semi well called me creepy for reason never given probably how I look because I’ve been said I looked like among many other things autistic, a stoner, a pedophile, and worse than all a school shooter. Now I must stress that while I have a kinda fucked up sense of humor I did not say anything sexual or edgy around them. This really fucked me up.

This is when a big concern about girls came up to me. I was never confident with girls before but it has dawned on me that I will most likely never have a relationship with anyone. I’m not hideously ugly just kinda creepy looking I will most likely lose my virginity somehow someway. But all the girls that I thought liked me even just platonically don’t talk to me anymore.

This has snowballed into all of my friends not hanging out with me anymore even when I ask them to hang out with me the last time I hung out with them they didn’t want me to. Come at first and I now believe they only let me come cause they felt. 

I mean my quality of life has went so downhill so fast and I have to get a fucking therapist again costing my god forsaken parents even more money. If I have to live my high school out as a social outcast I would rather kill myself it’s all I can think about now I’m becoming so resentful I’m taking it out at my family I’m such a piece of fucking shit I wanna do it now but my family can’t take more of bullshit so I’m thinking of killing myself sometime this summer with out them around I’ve already started rough drafts on my suicide note.