Pre-face, I'm in a new school that started in 2020, so covid measures have kept my class apart as we followed social distancing and other protocols. Nonetheless, people have already formed groups and found friends... feeling left behind. Things have relaxed somewhat as vaccines have started to disseminate throughout my class. 

But tonight I felt really confident. I looked nice, did my make up well, and was seeing people I was familiar with for dinner. People who I felt I could finally relax around and be myself with. My roommate joined us too. She's very well-liked, talkative, and the kind of personality that draws people to her. Anyway, I said something silly as me and a friend were talking at the table about rare meat: "gotta tap into your inner vampire." My roommate said "Oh no, you embarrass me." In that instant I felt embarrassed. The rest of the dinner I was watching myself and the things I said. I was on edge even though I know it was minor and no one else even cared. 

When I was alone a song came up on my playlist. The theme was about 'wanted to be someone else,' and it resonated. I've spent so much of my young adult life trying to be socially-adept, relaxed, likable. My roommates words unknowingly sent me spiraling back to middle school when my then-best-friend of 8 years milked me for information on my older brothers drug addiction, the violent fights that would happen in my family (sending me scared and hiding in my room), and the moment I discovered she relayed my whole 'story' to the cool kids at our school who I felt alienated by. 

Had my first non-drug-related panic attack. What a shitty night.