I have a lot of friends and I was deeply loved by my parents and family. And I really am grateful for that. But I have the tendency to leave first before being left. For instance, in my circle of friends, there aren't really equal amount of friendship among us, some of them are better friends that the other and such. So for me, I am kind of the social butterfly among my friends. I can easily get along with anyone. But when I am with friends who get along more than I do with them, and then they start talking about things, doing things I don't usually do, I just had the urge to fade into background. Or I leave the place. But not because of envy. I love my friends! I just felt like I'm not in the circle at the certain moment, so I walk away instead. Though I do it with an excuse of doing somethingelse or errand, just so I could be alone again. 

Another is with relationships, I think I am pretty much a decent partner, only that I have a tendency to fuck things up even when things are going well then feel bad afterwards. Just because everything is doing well and I find it unusual for me. I dunno maybe I am an emotional masochist. 

Next is with my mom. My mom was really sick so I grew up seeing her struggle with her heart problems. As young as 12 years old I learned to pray and trade my heart for my mom with god. It always broke my heart seeing her suffer. The thought of her "leaving" was already embedded in my mind whenever she gets too sick on some days. I was always devastated whenever I think about her "leaving" because she never deserve that kind of suffering. But if she stayed alive, she would continue suffering. So I silently think "Mom, it's alright if you can't handle it anymore. It will hurt. But I will endure. I  just can't see you hurting anymore." Then, when she finally departed, I was devastated but relieved because she won't be suffering anymore. Although, there is still a part of me that wanted her to stay, just not sick. 

One thing about me that my friends think I'm angsty is that I particularly love tragic ending stories especially in romantic films or drama. Not that I feel good about the tragedy. I do feel sad about it, melancholic even. And it somehow feels comforting, that melancholic feeling.

I am still with my amazing friends, and I have a long-time partner, and I am mostly chillin with my dad and stepmom. But most of the time, I just want to be left alone. Even when I am with them, I wanted to be as much as involved, and sometimes just fade into background. 

I find solitude both sad and comforting. Am I an emotional masochist? Angsty? Or what is the term for that?