crying and my head filled with voices - You SUCK!, You are not fit!, You are not worthy of anything! - Just wanted to end it. I often fantasize about sudden death - like an aneurism bursting - no noise just peace. This morning was one of those mornings. I hate mornings like that. 

I think about reaching out or even texting the crisis hotline but I often get overwhelming feelings of embarrassment  and frustration. Reaching out to my Psych doc but then the anticipation of waiting for a response kills any want to reach out.

You wanna know what turned things around for me today?

I have been researching investments, REITs specifically, and have created an online individual brokerage account. I purchased 2 shares of a company earlier this month. Today I received a dividend payout. Wan to know how much? ... .80c ... yes, a whopping eighty cents. I know ... nothing life changing at all. Yeah, I can't even buy a snickers bar with that. However, it lit a small candle for me at the end of a very dark tunnel. You could say it gave me hope and something to look forward to.

I don't care who you are in todays society we all wish to be financially secure. We all like the idea of having control over something even if it .80c worth of control. 

If I could give a small piece of advice ... find something that you can control. Start with something small and reward yourself afterwards. My reward for me today was a cup of coffee. I haven't had a cup of coffee for two weeks - it upsets my stomach, makes me shake but I sure do enjoy the taste I will regret this later but ...

I pray you all have a blessed day and remember ... In your darkest days, know that you can ACHEIVE and DESERVE greatness!