Soon will be three months since my mom died. I'm blessed i can say that we never had a big fight, she was my best friend, always with more understanding that i probably ever deserved. Very mindful, intelligent and careful woman who spent her life trying to lift her three kids in the best possible way all by herself as our dad was not around. 

One and a half month passed since my gf dumped me, even tho we were more then friends less then a couple for years due to the fact that there was physical distance between us, couple of monts ago we managed to be together and it all worked perfectly; she texted me that she missed me, that she's constantly think of me and all of the sudden when she came over to my place she told me that she thinks that we would be better as friends only. I'm obsessed with her, it's pathological at this point, i can't see my self beeing with anybody else and it's been like this for years. 

I'm working 9-5, mid wage + helping my unemployed dad all the time so basically i barely have money to live my house and go have some fun.

I feel either anger or sadness, hopelessness and I'm trying to get of benzos and antidepressants but i think now is just not the moment. Few months ago it looked like everything was fine, my mom was healthy (at least we all thought she was) and now I'm living this lonely nightmare hoping i will meet someone normal, forget about that one girl and find someone who will fully accept me. I think that's my only way out. I'm working from home and meeting new people is extremely hard, dating apps scare me but it looks like they are my only option. I just want something to happen and make me think less of bad things that happend this year, i did not stated all of them cuz u think that at this point it doesn't even matter, losing your favorite person ever is enough. I tried to kill myself last week by cutting my veins and it got very bloody but it seems it's wqy harder then i though it will be. I was drunk and im happy and lucky that didn't worked out.
Happy Friday everyone, rant over.