I had a bad day 

I worked really awfully hard at making it a good day 

And I got extremely pissed off because I was supposed to spend time with my FP and because stuff at work kept piling up, timing got the best of me and I wasn’t able to see him.

And it pissed me the hell off.

And so I split. I was aware it was happening the second it started, but I was MAD.

I took the work cell I was using and bashed it against the company van steering wheel like 5 times because it stopped working for like .2 seconds.    
I was on the phone with my FP and I was just YELLING about how terrible everything was.   
A customer asked me how I was and I actually replied “awful” with a huge smile ; WHICH IS NOT PROFESSIONAL.    
I got frantic and essentially threw a temper tantrum because stuff wasn’t working out the way *Iiiiiii* wanted it to 

Like Jesus Christ shitsgayyo, YOURE A FUCKING ADULT.    
Sometimes your friends are busy and they can’t sit for a damn hour and wait for you to finish work just because that’s what you want.   
I hate it.    
I completely ruined my FP’s mood because I just wouldn’t calm down. I couldn’t. I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t stop being livid. I was just in a blind rage of “this isn’t fair” 

And now I’m finding myself unable to get over this. Like he accepted my apologies and I should be perfectly fine, but my brain keeps shouting that this is the time where he realizes I’m too much.

And we JUST had a conversation today about how I ask for this reassurance *every fucking day* that he’s not going to leave.

He literally explained to me that it’s an every day occurrence in one way or another and how he understands how hard I’m trying and he understands change doesn’t happen over night and that I’m doing my absolute best, but it does get tiring for him and he wishes I would just believe him when he says he’s sticking around.

My abandonment issues are so fucking massive that I’m pretty sure at this point I’m going to still doubt my friends/loved ones leaving until I fucking die. 

Long story short, my period is making me 10000% times more emotional and I don’t know how to properly handle my splitting yet and I’m absolutely convinced I made my FP hate me today despite the resounding evidence that I’m a god damn liar 🤷🏼‍♀️

#wheres my fucking chocolate