I've always thought, since I was a little kid, that I wasn't quite human. I've always felt disconnected from other people in a huge way, like a giant glass wall I look through but can't cross. I can't wrap my mind around the idea that I'm a person, just like anyone else and I have an identity. To me, I'm nothing. It's not just BPD, I also have Aspergers... so communication and interpersonal relationships have never been something I could do well. 

Today I went into a Starbucks and ordered a coffee, and I had a nice exchange with the girl at the counter. She looked at me like I was a person. That's what weirded me out the most. As I was driving away, I thought "she thinks I'm a person, doesn't she?" Like I had fooled her somehow. And that ended up making me really happy. That I had a normal interaction in which someone expressed some sort of positive interaction towards me. That's pretty rare for me. As of late, I've strayed away from personal relationships to focus on myself. 

It makes me incredibly sad too though. Because I know that for now at least, I can't really "be a person". I've spent so long living a life that is only measured by how other people feel and think about me, and seeing myself as an extension of another person. It's hard to even find personal goals that don't revolve around other people. It's hard to find a reason to live- not to mention convincing myself that I can be good at it- when I can't use other people as a crutch. 

So yeah. I look at other people, and I see a wall. I can't imagine anyone loving me because I can't see myself as a person. And I don't think I can truly love another person, because I don't feel they're like me. At this point, I feel like people are like drugs for me, and that I should break the addiction. And yet... everything I'm doing, I do in the hopes that I can look in the mirror and see a person that I love and respect- in the hopes that realizing who I am will help me find people I could feel at home with. Romantic partners, friends, etc. 

Right now, I can't see that. I don't feel like these people, anyone around, are anything like me. I don't understand how their brains work, what their lives are like, what love is like for them, what extreme emotions are like for them. They're almost like birds flying in the sky, or squirrels running around in terms of how different they feel. And I hate it. I just want to feel like a person. I'm tired of feeling like an alien, like there's no one like me. I'm tired of living in a world I can't connect to. 

Does anyone know what the fuck I'm talking about? 