I’m so depressed. I’m so empty and in pain. I want to do things but I can’t as I’m unemployed, dumb, stupid and broke. I don’t have enough $$$ to do want I want. 

I feel stuck. I live with my parents who treat me as a child who can’t do anything and play mind games. My stepfather abuses my mother and I (non physical it’s domestic abuse and a long list of abuse I can’t be bothered typing up) and my mother has bpd too and can explode and call me names like I’m useless etc and no one could ever want me (true) and babies me with talking stuffed animals and doesn’t give me privacy and various other forms of abuse.. she won’t let me even have confidence to do things on my own she says I’ll be murdered etc. She emotionally needy and with her it’s like eggshell treading I have to constantly be on edge. I’m terrified of her. 

I left school at 16. Now late 20’s with no job. Never worked. Have crippling anxiety, depression and phobias. Councelling hasn’t worked for me. No one seems to “get it”... people treat me as a joke. I’ve been Diagnosed with C-PTSD, anxiety, social phobia, borderline personality and codependency. 
Every day for many years now I want to die. Made a few suicidal attempts. I’m aching inside. I have no friends. Spend my life in bed codependent on my mother to travel or go anywhere. I can’t drive or even know how to catch buses. The thought of even trying triggers chest pain and feeling like I want to cry and shake. I don’t even know I’d manage it. 

I grew up completely enmeshed by my solo mother (only child, well I have two half siblings but they never lived with me). We shared everything and had no privacy. Mum did all for me. Including my bed, laundry etc and still does. I’ve made a few attempts at bed making. But it makes me feel sad for some reason. Growing up I had a chaotic emotional upbringing with my mother’s various relationships impacting me. 

I had bad friendships which were my fault but they never truly liked me anyway, and no family who wanted anything to do with me. Well, I had a grandma but she disliked me. My half sibling sister I barely ever saw and my other sibling, a half brother he was a c*** to us. 
My Aunty I’ve only ever met a few times. She hates my mum. My real father is a sociopath who only ever wanted my mother and enjoys mind games And has various sociopathic traits and has been in jail. My grandfathers both died before birth. My other grandmother I only met about two times and she denied I was even my fathers child. She passed when I was 15.

I have an evil wicked heart which doesn’t care about anything or anyone. All I want is “things” to satisfy. That happens to be toys and craft objects. I have a deep longing for creative expression and childhood regression. 

My mother is untrustworthy, temperamental and hurts me a lot. I’m empty and lonely. I’ve tried online groups but somehow I’m an outcast and I never know why.. or I end up being bullied. 

Is there a way to not fear death? If I didn’t fear pain or hell I’d have made a decent attempt at suicide by now. But it fails. I enjoy harming myself with matches and elastic bands. I’m terrified to cut myself.