just a rant and there’s gonna be a lot of mistakes :(

to get to the point, i really fucking hate myself for having bpd. as i research it more and read more of people’s personal stories with bpd, the more hopeless i feel. it makes too much sense. the way i am and all that shit, i feel like i just put on glasses and am finally seeing the world clearly. they’re normal, i’m not.  it all started with me bringing up the possibility with my therapist and god. all the appointments and doctors and now we’re here. i don’t really want to get into the medical shit or the process. anyway it feels like everything is starting to make sense but i hate it. i could never understand why everyone was just.. better at relationships and understanding that stuff than me? for example, i don’t understand why i’d “split” on people. before i didn’t know what the term was, but i thought it was normal to do this. every few months id make a new friend group or whatever because id somehow start a fight. it was weird because id always get extremely close to these friends just to cut it off at some point. of course it wasn’t normal. i soon realized this when i went into middle school and saw that a lot of people stayed with their friends and i was alone.
honestly, i hate therapy appointments. i hate the breakdowns. i hate having to explain why im being such a bad friend. i hate not knowing who the fuck i am. i hate attaching myself to people to then leave because i’ll explode on them at some point. i hate it all. i wish i didn’t have bpd. i can only talk about it to my therapist since no one in my life gets what i’m going through. i don’t blame them but it feels like i’m struggling by myself and actively hurting people just by being in their life. when  i thought this was what everyone went through and there would be a stage in my life where i learn how to do the basic relationship n self stuff. even though i thought it was normal, i thought i was a late bloomer to this i guess. 
i just want to bang my head against the wall. i hate forming relationships or getting into people lives because i know i’ll hurt them but i’m so fucking lonely. i miss having a favorite person. i miss loving someone so much i don’t know what to do with myself. it’s as if they give me some sort of purpose and they’ll be able to love the parts that i hate so much. i miss being so close to someone that i can feel comfortable with giving them affection. it’s weird though because with most of my ex-fp(s) they’d never reciprocated and i preferred it that way. i think i was too scared of the full commitment of loving someone. or scared to be loved back. of course i knew they liked me because they’d reassure me if the joking insults got too much.

sorry this post is really negative but god im just so tired