So i (23 yo) am working on my thesis right now. It’s not my first thesis and i also already got to know the company in which i am doing the thesis. I am studying since school, no real breaks let alone a vacation somewhere away (no not even some sort of city trips). That means all in all i have been doing this for above 15 years, 5 of them being in college.

In school i never hae trouble with doing a lot of work. I had school till 3 pm, would then go home, do homework (and i did it usually very detailed) and then went to study for exams. I would feel exhausted by the end of the day but it was a good kind of exhausted. Then i got to college. Procrastination hit right away and in the first semester i had trouble. However, my grades got well after although i was still struggling with procrastination but somehow i always made it work. Then i did my bachelor thesis. It went well, the people for who i worked liked me and my work ethic so all in all nice experience. Then again some semesters studying which were a bit hard due to covid. Now i am doing my master thesis. And i cant do it anymore. It‘s not just procrastination or brain fog or anything but my body has troubles keeping up. It’s hard for me to walk in a straight line because i have literally no strength left in my body. I cry all the time. The time in which i don’t cry i feel numb and there is NOTHING going on in my brain. I know this numbness but it has hit me in these days very badly. I work in a kind of laboratory and the work is a bit hard due to high temperatures and so on and when i am alone there i panick the fuck out of me and start crying. It’s so hard rn. On weekends i don’t have off anymore because i have to do some analysis on the data i generated in the lab as my whole 8 hour (or more) day is spent doing experiments. 

Fun thing is that kind of the work leads to nowhere. Meaning that the results are bullshit and my time for the thesis is running out. 

I am on high alert for avery long time now. My whole body aches. I have developed eating disorders. I lost roughly 4 kg in less than 4 months. I am nearly underweight. I can’t sleep anymore. Everytime i drive i just want to crash the car or i start hysterically crying. On top of that nobody supports me. My friends don’t care. They tell me „don’t worry“ when i vent when i literally could show them numbers how it will go down bad for me. Everybody is on vacation and enjoying life rn (i get it after 2 years of pandemic) but it’s annoying that they show off with that while i sit in my room and feel like dying. 

It got so hard. I got no power left. I have had nothing in my but academic reassurance and that is gone now too. I hqve no real friends and a toxic family. There is nothing left for me but pain. It has always been this way so why bother doing more? Still i am stressing about the thesis.

I don’t know. My mind doesn’t keep up anymore and my body is done. Physically it feels like i won’t make it this year.

For everyone telling me to catch a break: 1. i think it’s too late 2. my family is very low income and with the rising economic struggles i don’t have that privilege.