Today I had a panic attack for the first time in a while. It happened during a meeting, where the CEO was speaking to a room full of us (the entire corporate information systems organization, in office for a special "community time on" week) about KPIs to monitor for the upcoming year, and performance goals. 

Panic attacks have an incredibly terrible sense of timing, and absolutely no ability to READ THE FUCKING ROOM. This one couldn't have picked a worse time. 

Theyre just pure, unadulterated forces of chaos fueled by unprecedented surges of adrenaline, norenephrine, and cortisol. 

I did put up a good fight at the first signs of the incoming wave. "This can't happen," I thought. "Not now. This is work, and not just a typical work day, but a special conference being spearheaded by our company's CEO. This shouldnt happen to normal employees, this cannot happen." Valiant and exhausting, this internal battle could be seen manifesting itself in me externally through twitches and grimaces that overtook my neck, arms, and lips as I tried fervently to suppress the overwhelming and all-encompasssing waves of panic. What made it worse was that I'm certain other people could see. I can't be certain how they interpreted this, but I'm certain they now perceive me as strange, twitchy, glitchy, or any other combination of synonymous adjectives. 

The moon is visible in the sky now, and I still feel the aftermath of this catastrophe with every rise and fall of my breath. My BPM still has not returned to normal. I cannot stop dwelling upon how everyone else might perceive me now. I doubt they'll understand this was anxiety. They might think I'm on drugs, or just plain strange. 
I fantasize about the bliss of complete and utter anonymity. If I did not have to claim this face, this flesh suit, or its awkward and widely incomprehensible mannerisms, I would be able to better traverse this world. Alas, this is a conceptual state of being that cannot exist in this reality. You must inhabit a vessel to experience life on earth. This is a requirement, yet I feel I will never master the ability to feel aligned with this vessel. I am out of order, operating in a perpetual state of disconnect.