I try my best to be kind in the world but no matter what I do I can't stop thinking I'm just a horrible person for existing.

My dad abused me as a child (physically and verbally), a lot of it centered around cleaning the house but he was a perfectionist, and now I'm a perfectionist, and I'm terrified somebody is going to beat the shit out of me if I don't clean my apartment perfectly.

Even when I'm doing something "good" or "productive" my thoughts are running wild telling me how useless I am.

And even though I barely go outside and socialize with humans my brain is still running a million miles an hour telling me how I'm ruining everybody's lives by breathing their air and being annoying and terrible and evil.

I can't stop thinking that even just upon seeing me another human being is filled with pure rage.

I finally have a therapist appointment set up for the 11th so hopefully I can finally get some real help but holy fuck I just want my brain to shut up.
