Just one little thing does it for me -- one small change in tone, one small difference from the usual routine, anything will lead me to believe that you hate me and want me gone. This applies to everyone I've ever talked to, ranging from family members to strangers. I can't help but *believe* that everyone actually hates me and *only* talks to me out of kindness and pity. Rationally, this is probably not true, but I really don't know why my brain keeps believing it. I don't know why I overthink so much.

My friend went home from school for the weekend and didn't ask me to come along with her. She usually asks me, but this is the first time she didn't. There are so many rational reasons for this (and of course she is not obligated at ALL to take me home as well), such as: maybe she was in a rush, maybe the car was full and there was no space for me, maybe she's only there for a short while and didn't think it was necessary to ask me if I wanted to come home for a bit. She's a kind-hearted person and I know she wouldn't necessarily wish anything ill on anyone. But, why do I keep thinking that she didn't ask me because she *hates* me now? I can think of something I've done that irritated her dearly such as talking to my ex (which was not too long ago). We also used to talk a lot but we've drifted quite a bit (which I assume is due to our busy schedules, or maybe she just hates me now). But this one decision of hers sent me spiraling down for some reason, even though it clearly isn't her fault at all. I can't help but wonder why she didn't ask me, but I also don't want to bring it up because I don't want to bother her either. I shouldn't bother her and I am definitely going to keep it to myself. It's wrong for me to assume and overthink like this, but it's impossible to stop my brain -- so all I can do is keep it to myself and hope she's doing okay. I don't think I'll talk to her again unless she sends me something, because maybe her life really is better without me. But I really really really hate myself for thinking like this and overthinking so much. 

Because, now I'm thinking about my interactions with other people and thinking that everyone's lives would surely be better without me. This really is a never-ending cycle. One small change, one small thing sends me spiraling like this and truly believing everyone is better off without me. Every small negative reaction to me sticks in my head and replays like a broken record. This compilation makes me wonder -- is it selfish for me to keep living as a nuisance to others? It's true right -- that everyone's lives would be so much better if I wasn't in it? If I die (or when I do), would anyone even be sad? Does it matter to me anymore if I'm dead?

So, what do I really want in life? What am I here for? What's a life worth living if I can't go one day without fantasizing my own death? 

What's stopping me from dying? What's stopping me from doing it to myself? I don't know. I really don't. I wish I could find an easy way out. I wish I didn't have to deal with my thoughts and emotions anymore, or deal with anyone really. I hate acknowledging my own existence and honestly wish I was just fucking gone already.