Ive been hiding something about me from everyone and im scared telling them will make them judge me. Over the past year I have lost control over keeping my breathing and thoughts seperate. Im unable to breathe without voicing my thoughts out loud with each breath. Most of these thoughts are intrusive ones I dont really believe but they still distress me. The thoughts are bad enough but the possiblity of them getting out of my mind terrifies me. Id be thrown in a ward and loose all my friends for sure if i did for how twisted they are. Im not a monster, I see myself as a gentle, nonviolent person so this is really stressing me out. I try my hardest to supress this my keeping my mind empty as anything i think of brings the threat of me whisper-muttering it under a breath and making me look crazy. What is happening to me? Am i slipping into insanity, do i have brain degeneration? I cant be at peace unless im completely still and have an empty mind. Ive been isolating from everyone and forcing myself to interact so realtionships dont crumble. I feel like a monster and i really probablly am. I keep having to record myself breathing in the bathroom to make sure im breathing "normal" and nothing is getting out of my mind. On top of all this isolating myself is really hard since my roommate and I share a one room room and i cant even relax there after a day of class and stress of keeping myself still. I bring my body to the point of heart attack/shutdown just sitting in the same room as my roommate so I dont whisper my thoughts uncontrolably. Even as I write this i know I sound crazy but all these feelings are true. Ive already wasted a year of high school and a semester of college and I dont know what to do. Im alone at my dorm for the weekend but my roommate gettings back tommorrow and the worry is flaring up again. Im scared to get help since I will have to tell the therapist my thoughts which. In a sick twist of fate i wish to become a psychiarist one day. Im such a stupid fucking hypocrite. Idk why im even still going to college tbh. My career will surely be stressful if I follow it. Im smart enough and the pay will be good but I cant do it if leaving my room brings me to a heart attack almost. Im sorry if this is a rant but i have nobody to tell these things to. My friends and family are good but we never talk about super personal thing usually. I dont know what to do.