TW: Talk of suicide, chronic pain, hallucinations, delusions, and bipolar symptoms

Title: Chronic

Bipolar makes you both monster and man
Blood thick with hair trigger stressors restless  endeavors making me sick of blinking into the mirror to expose myself to the shards of my own psyche

I’m obsessed with the things I see inside
what’s the theme of the week, will I have snakes or vines
Will I see them die, bleed profusely, shot killed and screaming everyone just looking uselessly watching me cry looking at a wall
who can you call when the demons are so fucking tall

She’s just so large she engulfs me, steals my breath with fear and then she just chokes me
Forget butterflies I’m swarming with locusts
Where’s my prodigal son when I can’t focus 
They’re eating me alive in my hair under my skin
You’re talking they’re fluttering in  your lips but all I hear are violins 

Fuck the symphony sympathy hostility the root of my vicinity I just can’t help but hate pitiful words and “sorry’s”

I’m undercover, playing dumb like I’m blind
But no one else other than me hears the gunshot behind my head

Unmedicated I tried to make myself dead seven times over 
I don’t know how I am here but I made it two years sober
So why am I always one wave away from tipping closer-

I fear how clear these things I hear are
Don’t think I won’t notice
the groups of whispers and wandering eyes 
watching me, 
stalking me up and down the bone outside my body that is my cane

I just want some reprieve from the things inside my brain
and what’s the point
chronic pain, illness, decrepit sickness the bane of my existence
I’m always feeling like death
like the grim reaper keeps a tight leash on my spine
giving a strong tug when he gets bored

and who do I talk to about it
too broke for therapy, abandoned by the crisis line
like seriously I’m not joking the person tasked with talking me out of killing myself left me on hold for half an hour and hung up after I told her I was going to throw myself off a bridge the next night

I feel like I’m flirting with the man rowing down the river styx when I have a migraine
going round and round as darkness creeps towards the edge of my vision and I drunkenly pass out from the pain

and no one understands why I need adaptations 
yes some days I’m housebound and yes for the love of god fix your disabled stall in your store bathroom 
I just want to navigate the world without questions and looks and I want people to leave me the fuck alone so I can function

how do I operate 
everything is slow and fast time is a blur and there’s no such thing as memory 
I don’t have the energy to do more than my best and I just don’t care anymore

I don’t care
everything around me crumbles and I’m too tired to cry anymore 
my life is a cracked wine glass with cabernet staining the carpet
my old therapist told me to “warrior on” but I don’t know what I’m fighting for anymore
why do I get up
why am I here
I know I have potential- people tell me all the time
they say I’m destined to be successful, but it’s stressful, attempting to try when I’m medically mental

my body has eroded and so has my mind
all I desire is to become everything I’ve designed
and god am I tired of being a drain
I feel like a chain on my mothers wallet
my medical bills mountainous , she’s always so exhausted
I just want to not be her problem anymore
I want to disappear so she doesn’t have to waste her time on someone who tries but ultimately fails to improve
she deserves better, not some specter who lives in her home and makes her feel hollow
it feels horrid that she only ever sees me in sorrow
I want to be better
I want to be better
I want to be better
but it’s not enough
I’m too tired to try being enough
I just want to lay and waste away 
I want to live in a world where I’m not hurting every day
I don’t want to accept that grief and pain are stitched to me, tattooed on my soul, weighing me down despite everything I achieve
I want to be out of this body
I want to cut myself out of this body
if I were to remove all of the parts of me that cause me the most pain
I’d be left with only the knife