I don't understand how so many years ago I used to be such a horrible person and I had everything but I started to regret everything and become aware of what monster I've become and gave my best to change myself to be a better person 

and I changed but why

Why does everyone view the past me as the good version and the new better me as the bad version and I keep losing and losing everything 

I lost my friends I lost my job I lost my passion for hobbies I tired and sick of hearing lies about how people love me as they treat me awfully I tired of not being able to follow my dreams and my heart 

Why everyone that helped me change and brought me the biggest comfort were fictional characters? Why can't I meet anyone good anymore I know I was a bad and I probably don't deserve anything but I changed and I'm tired of crying and cutting myself bc of all this pain

I'm tired of constantly being abandoned and left behind by everyone and having to deal with so many mental illnesses all on my own why does this world have to be so cruel why does this depression keep going for so long?

I can't even have a single day where I don't feel bad about something or flashbacks from 3-4 months to 3-4 years ago hit me why can't I forget and move on and I can't control any of it I feel so trapped and lost 

I just want to end my life