I (23) have comorbid BPD and inattentive-type ADHD. I currently work remote as a “telefundraiser” (think ‘spam calling for charity,’) have for about two and a half months. Before this, I worked fashion retail for over six years. Mostly mall stuff, did go on to general manage a corporate location for a popular clothing buy/trade/sell chain… that lasted about three months before I burnt out. 

It feels so hopeless. I dropped out of college after a semester to do a psychiatric stay. Was not given really any care or diagnosis beyond depression and anxiety, was released after four days and referred to anti-medication psychiatrists who did properly diagnose me, but had the idea that “treating me” was shaming me for not being in DBT and threatening to cold turkey my Lexapro if I didn’t enroll. Needless to say, stopped seeing that psychiatrist and just got my meds from my general practitioner, but what a waste. I graduated high school with a 4.12 while president of extracurriculars I was in. I got deans list my one semester of in-person college. But it’s like the second I reached the world outside my high school, I crumbled. 

Went into retail to get by and support myself. Got stuck. Hopped from store to store after a few months to a year max because I’d start out do hopeful at each one, and hate it soon enough. I made a point to only work where I’d shop, where I could dress mostly as I please and get cheap/free clothes. I love expressing myself through clothes, but getting paid $11-18/hr to train on Gucci verification and budget expenditure and labor payroll monitoring… I wanted to die every time I woke up. I started drinking almost daily to reclaim my free time (a problem I’ve mostly resolved now).

Newest gig at home with a regular schedule seemed to hopeful… I fucking hate it. Pay is ok, almost zero stress involved. Just dispositioning answering machines most of the time. We get contracted by a lot of different non-profits, so it’s important work. And I don’t care about it at all. 

I don’t know what to do anymore. Without a degree, I’ve tried my best to play to my strengths and respect my own work-life balance. I’m good at all these jobs and I HATE them. 

Is this just capitalism? Is this my own lack of discipline? Is it just impossible to elevate higher with these diagnoses?

tl;dr BPD and ADHD, always end up hating and leaving every job I ever have. Feel like I’ll never access to anything better because of my illness.