For some background.  My wife of 10 years struggles immensely with anxiety.  She has never been officially diagnosed with hypochondria but I suspect it’s also something she deals with.  Multiple checks of blood pressure throughout the day, constant mention of ringing in ear(s), heart palpitations, any pain is relegated to most likely cancer. 

She needs reassurance multiple times on just about everything she does.  Couple this with the fact that her and I have had quite a rocky road in our relationship (roughly 17 years).  Historically I have not been very successful in helping her in these dire situations.  They tend to arise and are triggered when we are mending our relationship and just back to “working things out”. So not only is she asking me for help, I’m also the asshole that is a cause for at least some, if not a lot of her anxiety in general. 

This early AM (130 am) she thinks she is having a panic attack/nervous breakdown and asks for my help.  She prefaces this request with “I’m not sure you can even do anything “.  I go through a plethora of suggestions which are all with a prompt no.  I offer a massage but am also met with a no. 

I try and talk to her in a calm and low voice (I’m generally loud), but then am hit with a “you treat me like a baby”. 

I really suck at this when it comes to supporting someone.  I don’t have any personal experiences to pull from in regards to how I’ve dealt with a similar situation.  Everything I do/say is met with such animosity and sharp responses from her.  It’s as if she is getting mad at me because I can’t solve her problem.  I legit don’t know how to help and everything I’ve read online does not seem to work.  

I’ve tried identifying triggers, meditation, talking through the things running through her mind, offered everything I can think of.  The more I come up short l, the more angry she gets that I can’t help her.  It in turn just starts an argument when I try and defend myself that I’m trying to help i just don’t now how!  

It is the most frustrating feeling.  I want to help but I don’t know how and she is getting more and more angry the more I fuck up, trying to help.  

I suck at this. Please someone help.  How do I help her in these moments?????