So I got caught in another promise I could not possibly keep. But I promised anyway, and today it blew. Ever since, I've been afraid to leave the house. Not afraid for me. 

My brain is playing horror scenarios of how my SO is packing up and leaving the second I'm out the door. Or worse. I'm panicking all over the place, I missed class on purpose to make sure he wasn't doing anything. I panicked at the gym and raced home, only to find the bedroom door closed. I assume he's gone to bed to avoid me. But in my head, he swallowed a razor blade. And locked the door from the inside. I know it's probably bullshit, but I am so scared nevertheless. 

He once said, at the very beginning - seven years ago ffs - he would never leave without telling me first. I have trusted it countless times. But today, I feel broken. Today, I am anxiety's bitch. I want to kick in the door, scream, rant, cry, plead, threaten, anything to make sure he will stay. I am a monster and a traumatized child all in one. 

If only I knew how to stop.