I’m undiagnosed. I’m confused and my emotions are erratic right now. Trying to get some answers? Help? Support? 

My mom has BPD. She was a teenage mother who had two abusive marriages and I was her co-parent. I helped raise my siblings. I was a model student, a model musician, a fucking gold star everything. Went to the prestigious university, worked since I was 14. My whole existence was to prove my mom didn’t fuck up by getting pregnant as a teenager. Im an accountant. I married a doctor. Im “the responsible one.” I’m supposed to have my shit together. 

Except last October I vol admitted to a psych hospitalization program because I was so suicidal my husband refused to let me drive. I was high all of the time and had panic attacks around the clock. Spent 33 days in PHP before moving to IOP for 3 months and have been unemployed and trying to fix myself ever since. 

I feel at a loss. I still feel like my spouse doesn’t really accept or like me. I’m not always sure I like him either. I feel incapable of maintaining a healthy relationship. We got into a fight last night and I feel like a ruiner. I’m unable to meet anyone’s needs. I’ve spent all day in bed fantasizing about SH or SI or some way to disappear. 

What is wrong with me? What was all of that therapy for? **Why did I just break down at 28 and why can’t I be put back together now?**