So, you know how when youre younger and you have friends that you're only friends with because you see eachother all the time like at school ? Ive lost a lot og friendships like that.

But me and this friend, who I'll call R for the sake of this, were friends for 8 years. Most of it being apart. We just had this vibe with eachother, i felt.

But the relationship was extremely toxic. After a certain point we would have at least one big blowout fight a month, some of them causing us to cut contact and cool off. He wouldn't tell me everything, but we would talk a lot. Like he didnt tell me he had a gf for a couple years and responded with " i dont have to tell you everything " when i asked him why he didnt tell me.

Sometimes i feel like the friendship was deeply one sided as when I'd have an " episode " he would kind of help but eventually he just started saying " you never listen when i need to talk about my issues its always about you " but he NEVER would talk to me about anything deeper than him being salty his mom needed him to do something. 

And like on one hand i know talking to him is opening myself up to drama and shit again but i havent really had any friendships like that since where we just clicked ? And kind of brought out HELLA creative energy in eachother.

I also feel like i DO need to go to therapy and get myself on a better track before i do that though.

I wanted some strangers advice who goes through the same feelings i do due to bpd ? Cause maybe i was acting crazier back then as a teen, maybe we both had unchecked shit and not just me. But i also want to feel that connection with someone again.

I mean hell i love my bf but romantic connection is far different than platonic and i need more " friends " 

Idk man, what do yall think ?