\[cw for suicidal ideation and self harm\]

two days ago I self-harmed for the first time in a little less than a year--nothing too severe, mind you, very surface level, but enough to dull my emotions at that moment. since then, I've felt... calm. not upset, not happy, not really anything--just... a complete lack of depth. I guess "calm" is the closest I can get to describing it. 

today's the first day I've really done something; I played some video games for a bit and contemplated maybe cooking at some point. I'm not really sure. i hit a point of not-caring where I openly posted on my twitter that I self-harmed, just seeing if it'd get a response. nobody has reached out to me--the only person who has talked to me about this lives in a different state and, while I do love and care for them as a friend, I know it isn't enough. 

I don't want to reach out to the people I want to hear from. why do I always have to reach out when I'm hurting? if you see someone struggling to walk, do you wait until they call out to you to help them up? no--you go and help them because that's the right thing to do. I feel like someone who has to continually ask people around me to help me walk, and honestly it's draining. for ONCE I want someone to come up and ask me if I'm okay, and I want it to be from someone I know and care about. I want proof that I'm not putting my love and feelings into people who are just uncaring AGAIN. 

I don't want to *really* kill myself. I don't know what lies beyond death, and that frightens me more than actually dying. I just want to stop existing, stop feeling emotions altogether. I know I can't just keep harming myself--it's annoying to clean up the wounds and having to worry about infection--but I don't want to feel this deeply anymore. i don't want all my emotions to come back. 

i'm so *exhausted* with feeling things the way i do. i could reach out to my friend group and ask for help at the risk of seeming manipulative because i know i won't get what i need unless i say "hey yeah i self harmed because i perceive y'all as possibly being mean to me." i feel like, even if my friends say they care about me, that they have to think i'm a burden. i'm teased because of my interests and when i open up to complain about it i'm told it's "just jokes."

even as i'm thinking about and writing this i feel like i want to message one of my friends and just make him suffer--drag him down to my level. it won't accomplish anything but make me madder. 

i don't want to be upset right now. i don't want to feel things. i can't hurt myself and there's no way to get these feelings out. i try everything--writing, expressing how i feel, talking to people--everything short of slamming my head into a wall until i'm bleeding. my emotions well up in me like magma and it fucking *burns.* 

i guess this is coming out more like a rant than a legitimate post. i'm sorry. i just don't know what to do. if I write one of those non-sendable letters I'm going to want to send it--I want that satisfaction of knowing that my friends knows how I feel. I just don't know how to express my emotions without being angry and upset. 

funny how I've changed emotions halfway through this--from non-emotional to angry. i wish I didn't have to feel anything.