It seems like when it comes to anything; career aspirations, passions, desires, identity, etc. There are times where I’m absolutely certain that I want to do a certain thing or manage to gain a specific passion, which I then make my entire identity over and dedicate myself to entirely. However, as time passes, that entire aspect of my identity can change. At one point, it seems like when it comes to anything I’m passionate about or anything that I’m absolutely sure I want, at one point it feels like I’m destined to get bored of it or feel like it doesn’t “fit” me anymore and/or just stops appealing to me for no reason other than just feeling like my entire personality changed.

At one point in my life, I always thought that my biggest desire was to have a family of my own, but then something changed and just the idea of ever having kids suddenly sounded terrible and unappealing and something that I was downright horrified of. At another point, my biggest dream was to become a doctor and I was so sure of it to the point where I started looking up how to get into medical school one day, already was trying to study beforehand any background knowledge that could be useful in school, started volunteering for clinical experience, etc. But then, after a while for some reason that started t lose its appeal to me as well to the point where it almost felt like a chore to continue being so dedicated to it. Other career dreams that came after included being a researcher, lawyer, academic, engineer, etc. All of which I felt the same way about. 

At one point I was a person who disliked the idea of working at all and wanted a career with good work-life balance. Yet suddenly I became a person whose biggest aspiration in life was to change the world and have a career with a positive impact regardless of what it cost me. At one moment I didn’t care about my future but at another moment I was someone who needed a successful career in order to feel like I had any purpose in life and the only way I could feel satisfied.

This applies to a lot of other aspects of me as well including my interests. At one point I’ll be really passionate about something but then abandon it altogether for something else. At one point I’ll mold my entire personality over something I’m interested in at the moment only to suddenly not be interested at all. When it comes to what I want my personality to be and who I want to be as a person, that has the ability to change equally as fast even with no real external factors.

It’s also scary because at one point I can feel like my entire personality and all of my interests are fully developed and I can’t imagine them changin at all but eventually it does (for most of them) and that makes me almost not want to trust myself. And mind you, these are not at all small changes but more so massive ones that make it seem like I’m an entirely different person. 

I know now not too put too much emphasis on “finding an identity” but at one point I’ll need to grow up and figure out what I want to do in life and make important decisions for myself that I can’t afford to regret or get tired of and I can’t live my life hopping from one interest and of one identity to another, but I hardly know what I really want or who i am and even if i think I know I’m afraid that I’ll always be afraid of certain aspects about me changing one day making me regret the choices I made altogether solely because I can’t seem to find a way to dedicate myself to something.

This aspect of myself is confusing to say the least