I've been severely depressed for at least a couple of weeks now. Usually when I'm not doing well it manifests in more of a chaotic, manic, performative sort of way. Like a lot of intense mood swings in a day, fleeting moments of intense self-depreciation and suicidal ideation and then back to "lol never mind everything is fine I'm just gonna stay busy and social and get obliterated drunk/high on the weekend".This time it's basically just been a long time of feeling totally flat and disconnected. The suicidal thoughts never go away. My binge eating and body image has been particularly bad. Last night I zonked myself out on Valium and codeine and tried to get my hands on some xanax... Which is not usually my thing AT ALL and feels so out of character. I've got shit coming up this week that I would usually be so excited for... I'm in a band and we have our first single coming out, got a couple of interviews lined up - stuff that I've dreamed of my whole life. But I just don't really care about it at all right now. I'm actually kind of concerned that I might die. I'm calling helplines on a regular basis and trying everything I can to get help but I don't know if I can hold out much longer. How do I care about things again?? Fuck