things have been going really fucking well for me, i stopped smoking weed, ive been going to school everyday, i stopped self harming for a bit, and ive just genuinely been feeling happy. but the last few nights have been shit ive not been feeling like myself
i feel so detached from my body half the time i dont know whats going on around me. im so exhausted all the time and im losing friends. everything anybody says to me is so annoying and i dont want to hear it, i feel like im being babied. i dont feel like this is my body or the world im supposed to be in, i feel so disconnected from reality but i dont at the same time.
ive been cutting more and more and not even because im sad or anything i just want to do it, its fun for me
writing this is pissing me off, i cant get the pleasure from smoking a cigarette like i used to i just want a bong
i want to crawl out of my skin and sit on the floor alone and in my own blood and tears. i just want to cry but i physically cant. i feel like i have nobody and im so alone even though the smart part of my brain knows im not and i have people who love me
writing that makes me cringe and i dont know why i hate being honest with myself it’s embarrassing 
emily and allira are great but i feel like theyre trying to get rid of me, everytime i say something it feels stupid coming out of my mouth and they reassure me that its okay but i know its not
theres so many things i want to say and do but i cant bring myself to do it im such a fucking weird cunt
im so ugly and ive been gaining weight
i tried on my sisters formal dress and everybody said i looked great but i look like a bloated fucking cow
i hate everything and everyone and myself i feel so out of control, emily has put allira as her number one priority and i get why but i just want to have control over everything in my life but i cant and i know that makes me toxic and a shit person but seeing good things happen to my friends while my world is crumbling makes me wqnt to make them feel the same as me and i hate myself for it 
i thought the meds were working and they did for a bit but now i just feel horrible i dont know whats wrong
words cant even describe the way im feeling this is just my best assumption i guess
i want to hurt myself all the time and for no reason
when i was at laine yesterday i told her about what happened with emily and allira the other night and she told me the way i was feeling was norming, like snapping in and out of anger and sadness 
hearing that made me feel so invalidated and like im faking shit i think i just want to be sick and i think ive convinced myselr so much that i am and thats why i feel like this
fuck this life and fuck this body and fuck my family
i told mum about me cutting again todwy and she said it’s probably because im anxious about leaving her or im mad about emily not stayinf the night but i really dont think thats it
this is embarrassing, am a faking it???? i just want answers for whats happeneinf to me and i dont want someone to say its normal i want there to be something wrong with me so i know how to fucking fix it