I worked a very menial full-time job from age 21-28. It involved being at a conveyor belt for 11 hours a day. I've always been a very shy insecure person that mostly kept to myself, so I actually looked forward to it when I first started. But I didn't realize just how menial it would be and how much the hours drag on when you're doing this kind of boring, repetitive dull work.

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One thing that really helped with this job, was the fact that there were other people around. Even me, as the shy person, still enjoyed having people to talk to because it would make it more fun. You could really only talk with one other person as that was pretty much the layout of the whole operation. This other person would stand directly on the other side of the belt, and you just hang out with them for the entire day while you're working at the belt. 

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Over the years, I met and talked with many different people. Some people would come to the job and quit after 1 hour, 1 day, 1 week or 1 month. Sometimes people weren't actually hired there - They were just temps for a day or for a week. Some, like me - Worked there full time, and would work there for *years*, so, naturally, you'd get to know people.

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Sometimes, you'd end up standing across from someone you didn't really like, or people that would just brag about themselves and have one-sided conversations, or people that would rather not talk and just listen to their music, or really funny people, and people you'd become friends with. It was mostly men, but every once in a while there'd be a few women. I met many people of many ages, genders and races.

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At one point, when I had already been working there for 2 years, a new girl started. Let's call her Ashley. Ashley ended up standing directly across from me. She was 19 going on 20, and I was 23 going on 24. She had just graduated high school and her plan was to work there for a year, collect some money and then go to college. So, for the entire year that Ashley worked there, she stood across from me and we became friends.

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For me to put this fully into context, as I already stated, I've always been very insecure, mostly about the way that I look because I've always been overweight and had a bad relationship with food, but there are also many other things as well. The only redeeming quality I think I have is the fact that I'm 6'5". I don't like literally anything else about myself and I don't believe I ever will. I was still a virgin at 24 but I kept that a secret, mostly out of shame from anyone finding out. I've written things out like this in the past and had actual comments like "Are you slow?" No, I'm not slow. I'm just have very little -- if any, self-esteem, and am very shy, insecure, and lonely.

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When I first saw Ashley, I didn't think much of her at all. Just another girl out of the very many that I had seen come and go in that place. She was also very shy. The first day she was there, after about 1 hour, I decided to cut through the silence and I started a conversation. And just like that, for that whole entire year, we basically just talked to each other all day long, for the whole entire time we were there, and also texted on evenings and weekends. Because she was kind of shy, and in a place where there was a bunch of men, I was pretty much the only one she talked to.

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Eventually, of course, as the pathetic person I am, I developed a crush. She had a boyfriend though so obviously I never asked her out or anything, but even if she didn't have a boyfriend, I never would. I thought she was a little too young, and of course, out of my league. 

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Here's the thing - We were good friends. I enjoyed talking to her every day. The days were easy. I actually enjoyed coming to work. It was fun. We'd laugh and have a great time. But.... I can't begin to even explain how much she annoyed me every day and pissed me off. I'm a people-pleaser, so when people are really annoying me, I usually just take it in and don't say anything because I know they'll just end up disliking me if I do. So every single time they annoy me, these small little annoyances build and build and build and I start to form a lot of resentment. Meanwhile this person has absolutely no idea and thinks everything is fine. 

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The way she spoke every day... The way she would always nitpick every single little thing... It drove me fucking insane. There was one time when we were sitting in the break room in the morning before we started work, and a man came in to get the boss to sign for some tools he was delivering. He'd never been there before, and spoke to the boss for about 15 seconds, then left. Ashley turned over to me and said "Did you see how he had a small hole in his pants, and how his beard wasn't shaped right, and how his hat was on crooked and how his shoelace wasn't tied right?" And I was like "What? You saw all that in 15 seconds?!" I wasn't even looking at the man. I took one quick glance, and then went right back down to my phone. She'd been staring at him, very intently for the 15 seconds he was there. Now, imagine standing across from a person like this for 11 hours a day, and having them nitpick your every flaw, and basically just... point them out straight to your face *All the fucking time.*

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Every single day consisted of, for the most part, just talking and having a good time. But every once in a while, she'd bring up shit that annoyed me. Most of the time it was about my physical appearance. Unless you're a perfectly stunning model of a human being like Henry Cavill or something, everyone has things they don't like about how they look. Small things. Maybe their eyes are a little far apart. Maybe their nose is a little wide. Maybe they're a little overweight. But when people just point that shit out, for no reason other than to... point that shit out, it's fucking infuriating. It seemed like her entire personality revolved around pointing that shit out. Most people say "Good morning" in the morning. There was one morning she said to me "When did you get those big bags under your eyes?" in the morning. That was one of the first times she ever insulted me in the form of a question. She did that a lot.

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She'd point out the fact that my eyes were too small, my hairline was receding, how narrow my what she referred to as "fish mouth" was, how small and "girly" my hands were...My "fivehead". She'd point out every freckle on my face. She mocked the way I walked. These are just a few examples. There were countless insults. She did all these things in a sort of playful way as if it wasn't mean-spirited, or would often form them as questions. Like, "Why is your skin so pale?" or "Why doesn't your head match the shape of your body? It annoyed the hell out of me and made my blood boil.

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There was one day, probably about 1 month after she'd been there, that I shaved my beard. Now, I'd been able to grow a beard since I was about 19. I'd always been able to grow a decent one. I had a routine where I'd basically just shave it entirely once a month, mostly out of laziness. I just didn't feel like shaving every single day, and I liked only have to do it once a month. Up until this point, nobody really commented on it. But boy oh boy, she tore me up when I shaved. I walked in one day, clean shaven, and she immediately looked at me and said "Oh, you shaved your beard" and her face actually went all red and she looked down at the floor. She looked like she was severely embarrassed for me, like I had walked in completely naked. I was confused. I said, "What?" She asked me why I shaved. I told her I always shave - usually once a month. She said "Okay..." and proceeded to just be kind of awkward and quiet for the whole entire day. At one point I asked her what the issue was and she said she felt "Second hand embarrassment" for me. What the fuck? Did I really become that horrendously hideous just because I shaved? Is my bare face really that horrifically awful that I need to cover it up? From that point on I never shaved again while she was there, and even now when I do sometimes shave, I just think of that day. At the end of the day she said "If you ever shave again, warn me first. Don't ever do that to me again". Well then.

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There was also one time where I had taken off my work boot - I forget why. Maybe there was a rock in it or something. Anyway, I take it off and she's able to see my sock. There was a very small hole on the bottom of my sock. I hadn't even noticed it I guess. She went back into her deep shameful / embarrassment look. That look she gave, it was deadly. I could just feel the judgement *oozing* off of her. I forget what she said, but it was something along the lines of "I think less of people when they have holes in their socks" or something like that. Another punch in the gut I'll never forget. The resentment grew exponentially. She notices a small hole in my sock and my whole day is ruined. Thanks.

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This is a really big one - One I thought about leaving out of this post, because this will make me look bad. I mean, this whole entire post makes me look bad, but adding this in will make me look terrible. But, here goes - At the beginning I said that you can generally only talk to one person at a time, but that wasn't entirely the case. On extremely rare occasions, there'd be 1 across from 1, and another set of 1 across 1, creating a group of 4. I don't know how we got onto the subject of this, but we were talking about dicks. That's right, penises. Mostly about the vast amount of sizes of them. Keep in mind this is actually a normal thing people would talk about in that kind of environment. Bunch of random people having a childish conversation. There was a guy next to me, let's call him Scott, who had always joked about his member. I mentioned to Scott, I forget what exactly I said but I made some sort of joke about how I had a small one. He laughed. Ashley though, her laugh and friendly demeanor quickly turned into that harsh, "secondhand-embarrassed" look. The kind that makes you feel like she's punching your gut. It's like, you don't want to feel embarrassed. You don't have the energy to feel that much shame at the moment, but she's forcing that feeling of shame on to you. Like "No, buddy, you're going to feel ashamed right now, because you should feel ashamed" and she mutters under her breath "He just said he has a small one" and did a little school girl giggle before continuing that "you should be ashamed" look for the next 20 minutes. Every second that she makes those body language looks, you know she's just shaming you and you can't help but feel bad.

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At one point, about 6 months in, I had been trying to lose weight and I actually got down about 30 lbs. She texted me one day that she noticed I had lost a lost of weight and that it's very noticeable. I thought that was great - she's finally saying something that isn't mean. Nope - She quickly stated that "I even notice it in your legs too - they're starting to look normal again. No offence, they've always been kind of crooked." Again.. this is something I know about. Look, My legs look weird. **I. Know. This.** I don't need that shit pointed out to me. Even her compliments swiftly turn back into insults.

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Cut to about 10 months after. She's leaving in a few months to go to college. For some dumb reason I decide to tell her about the big crush I had on her. I honestly had no idea what I was expecting. I knew she found me to be the ugliest thing on planet earth, so it was a stupid thing to say. Her response: "If I ever break up with my boyfriend, you'd be the first one I'd call". I called her out on her obvious bullshit, but she gave me this look... I mean, I thought she was horribly mean - sure... But.. She wasn't liar. Something about the face she made... I believed her. Cut to 2 months later, she cheats on her boyfriend with another guy from work. Breaks up with her boyfriend. I ask her about the "call" thing. She says "I was just being nice". Yikes. Thanks! That's real nice!

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There were many other insults she mentioned throughout that time that I never mentioned, like how if I lost all the weight, got into amazing shape, she still wouldn't be able to have sex with me because I'd have "loose skin" and she wouldn't know what to "do with it" and that my dick wasn't big enough for her.

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After a while, I found out she was basically just pointing out the reasons she found me unattractive. At one point she was talking about different men and how I wasn't "handy" which I think was just her way of saying "These are all the reasons you're unattractive and you suck"

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So here I am, years later and sometimes I still think about how much I hate her. She's completely moved on with her life, last I heard she graduated. She's probably got an amazing life with a great career, married to a much better looking guy with a better job, more money and a huge dick. 

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But I also think about how she was right about everything. All those things she pointed out - they are the reasons I never tried to be in a relationship. Because I'm very heavily flawed in many ways, and I should feel ashamed. I should hate myself for the mere fact that I've accomplished nothing, and I'll always be lonely, unfulfilled, and ugly.

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TL;DR I need tons of therapy, but I'm not willing to fork out tens of thousands of dollars