Hello. 

I just recently turned 18 years old. I'm a female high school student, working on completing my 12th year. As of last year, I have been diagnosed with clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder; though I do believe I've experienced symptoms of both for as long as I can remember. I've been in therapy and taking medication for a little over a year now. Hooray. 

But I'm feeling something that scares me a little. Times when I'm left by myself, such as waking up in the morning or even just excusing myself to the bathroom, I seem to get overwhelmingly upset. I notice I breathe a little faster, I'm constantly telling myself to stop or slow down, and I just have the extreme urge to hurt myself or hit something. I feel disappointed in myself, I feel like I don't deserve to breathe. I feel like I should be better; almost like I'm getting upset because I'm upset, if that makes sense. When I'm left to myself, I seem to panic. Sometimes I shake my head to make the bad thoughts go away; the ones that tell me I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing or that I'm ugly or fat or stupid. I genuinely have episodes of "no no no" or "stop, please stop" running through my brain sometimes. Maybe focusing on those words helps me to shoo the bad thoughts away--I really couldn't tell you.

It's quite upsetting, though. I've had these feelings in the past; I've punched walls and broken things before. But, and perhaps this is because its been so long since I've felt one of these episodes come over me, it seems like they've only become more intense. I've talked a little bit to my therapist about it, but even writing this I still feel like I'm not giving enough information. I don't know what else to say about it other than this; I have a terrible time getting my thoughts down onto paper or even forming the right words to match what I feel. 

I don't know what to call this, if it's an emotion I feel or if it's an underlying disorder related to my depression and anxiety. Is there anyone else that has these episodes of pure panic, or anything close to what I've described above?