Please ignore grammar mistakes and my overall horrible writing.
I’m a 20 year old female who for as long as I know have been depressed my whole life. As a child and up until my pre teens the only thing I enjoyed was video games, I would play them from when I came home from school up until I had to go to bed and that was my main source of happiness. I didn’t have an amazing upbringing but also in my opinion it was a quite normal one, a mother and father whole loved me but who were very emotionally absent, 2 older brothers I wanted nothing to do with and a lovely twin sister who has some anger issues. My parents split up when I was around the age of 10 years old and I think that’s when my first severe depressive episode started but I believe I suffered with depression for many years before that. I started to resent my mom very strongly not realizing how crappy of a husband my dad was but seeing it as my favourite parent was no longer going to be around to see everyday. My sister and I started getting into almost daily screaming matches and fights with my mom because of it and her emotional immaturity always helped the fights get escalated till we usually got slapped, timeouts and/or grounding when we got older.  My parents never helped me have a handle on my emotions, honestly from my perspective my parents have taught us all relatively nothing to help us in life and till this day I strongly resent them for that. While I know I am an adult and I can choose to changes things and teach myself anything I want I have no will or motivation to do anything in life because of my depression especially since when I was around 15 years old I asked my mom for therapy and I got a “wow all my kids are fucked up” and no actual help was gotten for me at all. Because of that I can’t help the thoughts of “if my own parents didn’t care enough to help me, why should I care enough about myself to do anything?”. I’m just so lost in life I feel as if I’ve accomplished nothing even though I know I have done some incredible things in life they give me no joy at all but sadness because I can’t help but think about how could I not be happy after doing such things? I don’t know I have so much more to say but I’ve now lost the motivation to keep writing on this so I’m just going to post this as is because I have nothing to lose in life.