Went to a concert with my SO of 2.5 yrs to see my favorite band. We both drank a lot but my tolerance is much lower. Had a bunch of whiskey before, then I kept getting long islands during the show and I have no idea why. Everything was fine and great until the ride home. I remember almost nothing, but he filled me in on it. I got violently angry over something so fucking trivial and stupid and i'm too embarrassed to say what it was. We started fighting and I was punching and kicking him and kicking everything while he was driving. He was hitting me hard back but he basically had no choice. He couldn't pull over because he feared I'd get out the car and make a scene and end up in jail or dead. I broke part of the windshield and may have fucked the transmission up by throwing it out of gear a lot during the ride. He hasn't checked it yet but if the car is fucked, neither of us can afford to fix it. Also I rely on him heavily for transportation for reasons I don't want to get into.. He has a pretty large bruise and his face is pretty scratched up. Only injury I have is half a swollen black eye (and if my dad sees, he'll lose his shit regardless of what I tell him so thats bad too). To my complete surprise, I haven't burned bridges with the SO. (He just wants to forget about it...). But his family has banned me from their home. The worst part is that a similar situation happened before.. Sometime last year we went to a concert. I drank too much and acted inappropriately and he freaked out and left out of the venue. It triggered the fuck out of me and I went into full rage mode. Went after him and punched him and was grabbed up by a bodyguard. Was struggling with bodyguards for awhile, then on the ride back I started hitting him, screaming about him leaving me and not protecting me. The next  morning he showed a picture of a large bloody scratch on his neck. Again I had very little memory of what happened and he had describe it to me.
Because of all of that he was scared to stop me from drinking at the concert last night. He thought I'd make a scene right there in the crowd (and he has anxiety..). And this is blowing my mind because I'm not the violent type. I usually just bottle up all the chaos inside. But it seems that alcohol has a way of really externalizing all of it, whether it be angry, depressed, or sexual. Or all of that at once. To the EXTREME..

So I feel like an absolute fucking monster that needs to be put down. I feel like complete shit and i'm only functioning right now because of medication. I obviously need to stay away from alcohol. But I don't know how to fix this whole situation. I feel so fucking stupid because this kind of thing happens basically every time I get too drunk. And yet I keep fucking doing it. Its like I never learn from it and I don't know why....