I’ve had a lot of terrible experience with narcissists in my life since childhood. 

I had a few instances of people I considered close, either romantically or as a close friend, abuse me. Whether it be mentally, physically or emotionally. The main factor that was common from each of these relationships were the fact that they wanted control over me. In any fashion, they’d try to have it over me and push me down to nothing. And gaslight me constantly so I would always be left questioning my sanity.

Throughout this time, I had undiagnosed BPD that was not assessed until 2018. I felt bad because I felt like I acted out in ways I didn’t expect. Getting EXTREMELY angry for being neglected on purpose, having anxiety attacks over being gaslighted constantly, having obsessive behaviors to prevent my partners from cheating on me (since they expressed interest in doing so), etc. I did EVERYTHING I could to salvage the relationships and still I was never good enough for my partners. I did what I thought was the right thing to do with good intentions and avoided being abandoned at the time.

I looked to others for romantic emotional comfort and I know that wasn’t the right thing to do at all. I never physically cheated on my partners but I always wished I could’ve left all those years and been with someone who loved me. I attached myself to strangers to try to find an escape from those abusive relationships to find any sense of validation. 

Of course now being older and under good therapy, I know those weren’t the best approaches to handle the relationships. I do my best to do the right thing day by day and be a good person.

Do these previous actions of mine make me abusive? Does this make me a narcissist? Or an abuser? 


And if so, how can I come to terms with this and move on?