Hello all. I really need some advice here because I feel as though my brain is going to eat itself.

So it goes without saying that I struggle with terrible anxiety that has plagued me for my entire life. This typically manifests in day-to-day activities, but almost every year of my life I will find one particular thing to hyper-fixate on that will make it nearly impossible to function. Last year was obviously a whirlwind with the pandemic, but the main source of anxiety for me was the collapse of my four-year relationship. The man I was seeing was my first love, and due to my own paranoia over potentially losing someone amazing (the "person for me"), I stayed in an unfulfilling relationship for an entire year before breaking it off. I would quite literally lose sleep at night trying to figure out how to get myself out of that situation that was prolonged for a year. The lead-up to the break and aftermath were both traumatic to say the least and I have spent a year recovering. 

Cut to today. I have been casually dating people for a few months now and VERY recently (as in two weeks ago) met perhaps the sweetest man on this earth. We are VERY compatible. I find him attractive, we talk almost every day, and he has been nothing but kind to me since we have started talking. I have not even come remotely close to dating someone seriously in over a year, but I genuinely really like this guy. In a perfect world I could see us pursing something deeper. Here's where the anxiety kicks in.

The other day we were spending time together, having an amazing time, when panic hit me like a ton of bricks. Suddenly I was questioning whether or not I was attracted to him. I was started questioning whether I actually liked him or was just convinced I wouldn't find anything better like I had done with my ex. I started to tell myself that if we were to try to be in a relationship, it would end in a fiery disaster. In a matter of 30 minutes, I went from being ecstatic about this potential partner to full of dread. I wasn't even able to enjoy his company anymore because I had gotten so deep in my head about it. 

That was a few days ago, and since then, it's like my own mind has been trying to convince me I don't like this person. But I know I do. I actually want SO DESPERATELY to fall for him. But here my anxiety is telling me that there's no way we could ever work. 

I'm the issue here.

I might as well quit while I'm ahead because there's no such thing as "true love". 

All relationships end in disaster. 

I clearly don't know how to find a good partner, so why even try.

Am I really even attracted to him?

If you start going out, you'll eventually break up and he'll despise you one day,

That's just a sneak peak at the thousands of intrusive thoughts I've been having for days now. I truly feeling as though I am sabotaging myself, and it is devastating. I have even suffered from multiple panic attacks in the past two days over this situation.

Normally, I would just tell myself to move on from this guy and just date other people, but the fact that that DEVASTATES me to think about is proof alone (in my opinion) that this is just my terrible anxiety at play. Why would I care so much if I didn't like this person? I have cut off men I've been casually dating before. 

Anyway, I know this was a lot, but any assistance/advice would be of help. I have never wanted so desperately to be able to just let go and enjoy a person's company, but this bout of anxiety is enough to make my har fall out.