I am sometimes jealous of her. and I know it sounds terrible that I even hate myself sometimes for it, but she has a way that reminds me how terribly lonely I am. That is of course not intentional from her side, but it still hurts regardless. 

I have been alone since ever. Even in my childhood, I rarely had friends. That is not to blame on anxiety but on my laziness to make friends because I simply enjoy my own company and I don't really like people. However, The attention and love my best friend gets in an hour are probably more than I will ever get in a lifetime. Someone confessing his love to her is almost like a routine to her at this point. This makes me really insecure because why can't that be me? Am I really that undesirable? What's wrong with me that the attention and love I got since birth is probably equal to what she gets in a day? 

It is not that I want numerous friendships or a relationship. But hell, it would feel a lot nicer if I felt loved or wanted. I mean I bet if I and her were to drift apart she would have no memory of me due to how full her life is of people.

I want to want to crave connections if that makes sense. Saying all of these things written above makes me feel like a piece of shit, but it is simply the truth.