I’ve never done this before, asking help from strangers on the internet, but tonight I just reached my last straw. 
My name is Jackie. I’m 19, and I’m trans mtf. I’ve been struggling with my sexuality for a few years now and now that I’m comfortable with admitting it I’m really in no position to start anything that will help me feel comfortable in my own skin. First I live in Texas which has been having an immense amount of transphobic political issues. My family says they’re supportive of LGBTQIA+ but constantly makes comments of several varieties that keeps me from being comfortable approaching the subject with them. As a result I feel less comfortable talking to them more and more, they’ve noticed it and blamed my distancing and worsening mental health on social media and my hobby for playing video games, something I use as just about my only escape from everything nowadays.

I have almost no local friends, most of my childhood weekdays were spent being homeschooled and weekends were spent at my grandparents farm fixing broken fences and staying inside the house not being comfortable talking to anyone. Never had a close relationship in the slightest with them. Have been told before that we don’t mean anything to them. And my other relatives either want nothing to do with the family or live across the country so aside from meeting with friends every other month or so and my job I really have no physical connection with anyone except my immediate family.

I have friends online who live across the country who, honestly, have saved me several times. I doubt I would be here today without their love and support. but I can’t keep this cycle going. Having good days, having incredibly bad days, crying and venting to them about it and repeating it. It’s not fair to them and I’m not getting any better. I can’t go to therapy because my anxiety keeps me from driving and my family believes therapists are pill-pushers and won’t let me see one.

I beat myself up over every mistake I make. I haven’t been a good person in the past and I’ve emotionally hurt people before. We still talk and they’ve forgiven me but I don’t think I can forgive myself. They’ve been nothing but loving and supportive of me and I don’t think I deserve any of it.

I don’t know exactly what kind of advice I’m looking for… I guess I just want to know if people have been this stuck and have they gotten through it? Is there actually hope? Am I actually a person that deserves happiness?