First off, I do want to state that I am in no way suicidal. This post is going to be a lot of rambling and backstory that takes place over the past 4-5 months. Bunch of info on FP so this is going to read very stream of consciousness and I don't know what I hope to get here, but I feel like I need to at least type something out.

Recently I have been diagnosed by a psychiatrist with BPD among a few other things. A lot of questions I've always had about myself were answers upon hearing of it, but almost immediately I couldn't help but feel immense hatred for myself since then. The more I learn about it, the worse it gets. I feel like some sort of parasite latching myself onto others and feeling hopeless without them. Before I was diagnosed, I had recently befriended another person I work with indirectly but see multiple times a day. I don't normally care to befriend others but this one person is just everything I've ever wanted in someone. While I am deeply attracted to her, she's in a relationship with someone so I know it will never happen, but I'm kinda okay with that. Like, me just knowing her and being able to talk to her makes me happy. Probably the highlight of my day is hanging around her after work and just talking about whatever comes to mind(I should note that I'm not interfering with her work. She does a bit of cleaning up at the end of her shift and says that it's cool as long as I keep up with her as she moves around her work area.) Everything about her is amazing. Personality, morals, work effort, the way she talks to and treats others, just everything. Mundane things like the way she smiles at me or the faces she makes when joking around. She is a better person than me and I can knowingly freely admit that. Ever since I met her, I feel like I've become addicted to her completely. The most incredible part is that she befriended me! She was the one to come up to me and start talking about stuff. Started out with just work stuff, slowly began talking about personal stuff(basic stuff like birthdays family, past job experience, random stuff that goes on in our lives), even got comfortable telling me once about shitting her pants. Anyways I've been unbelievable happy since getting to know her.

The more I find out about her, the more excited I get. It's like I'm getting some sort of life-sustaining energy from learning about her as a person. Our work schedules don't match up completely, but at least three days of the week we both work together around the same time. When I don't see her for a couple of days though, I feel like going through withdraw. I get anxiety, depression, I feel like I'm slowly suffocating. But as soon as I see her working, all of that goes away like nothing was wrong in the first place. Like I said, we don't work together, but I'm able to glance at her most of the time and feel some sort of reassurance from it. Occasionally throughout the day we'll cross paths, but I've been kinda forcing some of them just to get close and greet her. She is notoriously work oriented during her shifts and doesn't have much time to talk during it, so if I'm able to find a legit reason to talk to her, I will. Otherwise I'm fine wasting 30 minutes to an hour talking to her after my shift ends while she finishes up hers. This is going to sound pathetic, but after a couple of months of knowing her, I found a reason for her to get my phone number without asking for hers. So when I told her I could give her my number to get a hole of me, she immediately said yes! I could hardly believe that not only it worked, but also how interested she seemed in having it. When she texted me first, I literally ran into a bathroom stall and had to sit down and read it because I was so excited about getting someone's number that wasn't purely work related. 

Having a way to talk to her outside of work was awesome! I would text her whatever came to mind and get a reply usually within minutes if she wasn't working, or if she was whenever she was on break. But after a little bit, I started to notice that I was the one always starting up a conversation. She would reply to me but never be the one to send out the first text when we stopped. I would find any reason to text her and then be letdown when her reply was only a sentence or two long. I figured she might have more people texting her than me, but it still felt like sometimes she was getting tired of me.

One thing that has come up in our conversations has been her mental health. She has told me that she has clinical depression among other things, goes to therapy, has group of friends that also have a wide verity of mental health issues. Point is she is well aware of a lot of stuff like this including BPD. A bit before I was diagnosed I had told her about some problems I had going on in my life and revealed to her that I was going to see a psychiatrist because I was told I was displaying signs of being Bipolar. I'm not Bipolar but that's how I came to find out I have BPD. I felt upon learning of this that I had to tell her because I started to think that she knew or at  least had noticed some signs from me. I told her and she said she had a couple of friends with BPD so she wasn't exactly unaware of it. I told her how I feel sometimes and that she is my FP(a phrase I despise) and she seemed to find it endearing that she was my FP. But one thing she said was that she's sorry if she made me upset in anyway like not replying to texts. Hearing that I started to feel like shit. I began to question our friendship and wonder if she was just being nice for the sake of being nice.

I started thinking back on stuff like asking her if she wanted to do something out of work which she never got back to me on. I told her to hit me up anytime she might want to go on lunch together and she never has. Just stuff where I feel like she never wants to make an effort to hang out with me or even be with me as a friend. Tonight after I punched out, I went to look for her and she wasn't at her department. A couple of minutes later I got a text telling me she left to go to a friends birthday party, and to have a nice night. I felt sad getting it because I felt like she could have told me in person early in the day. In fact the whole day, I felt like she was trying to avoid me. I don't know why but she barely said anything to me all day. Anyways, as I was leaving, I seen her walking out of the managers office area where the locker room is and we both walked to the exit. I couldn't help but feel like she was trying to get out of there before I noticed she hadn't left. When I met up with her, she kept it short, said she had a party to go to and to have a nice night. I barely had more than a chance to say anything other than goodnight and to have a nice day off. I felt like complete shit afterwards and still do.

But right now I'm feeling nothing more than hatred and disgust for myself. I'm thinking back on to almost every conversation we've ever had, and feeling like a piece of shit for being who I am. She never asked for any of this, and probably wishes she never would have talked to me if she knew she was going to have me leech off of her. I feel like she puts up with so much of my shit because she's too nice of a person not to. When I told her of my BPD I gave her an out of the friendship and she told me that she likes being my friend. I assume she's either still being extraordinarily nice to me, or worse being cruel and playing with my emotions now that she knows that she's my FP. Either way, I just feel immense hatred for myself because regardless, I latched onto her and feel nothing without her. I've started to wonder what the point of my life is. I have nothing going on for me in my life and I have nothing to live for. I don't want to die, but there is also nothing I feel like living for except for her. Deep down I've always felt this way, but I only really have acknowledged it tonight. I honestly don't know that if it wasn't for the fact my death would put my family into financial and emotional ruin(own a house with brother, parents live with us) I would be ready to kill myself or not.

Right now I just can't stop wanting to hurt myself. Not physically, but mentally, like if I make myself hurt enough inside it will someone make everything better. I keep thinking about all the horrible stuff I'm subjecting people to just by knowing me and I can't stop. It's all I feel right now. I keep wanting to text her about this, hoping she'll make me feel better or something. Reassure me that everything I feel isn't real and it's all in my head, but she's probably getting sick of me if she hasn't already and she'll tell me what I want to hear so I don't kill myself or something. I won't see her again until Friday and even then only for like an hour and she's have no time for me and hate that fact that I'm anticipating seeing her but also dreading it because I know she'll blow me off again, and then I won't see her again until next Tuesday and by then I'll be in worse than I am now.