Don’t attack me for this post.
I’ve not once been to therapy in my life, my two sisters have tried it but in our small town (we were also poor, we got whatever our Medicaid would pay for) they usually didn’t like their therapist or really didn’t get much out of it. 
I always thought I was fine when I was younger, thought I had slight anger issues if anything. Throughout high school my nana started to think I was bipolar because of how difficult it was getting for me to control my emotions. I pretty much just agreed with her in my head until I found out what bpd was.
I never understood why one day I would be so happy simply for being alive, and the next day or even the next hour I’d be questioning my purpose for living, what the fun in anything is, and those spells last a lot longer than my happy ones.
I still have yet to see a therapist and see what they would (actually) diagnose me with, but I really honestly just don’t know where to start. I don’t even know how to explain myself to anyone. Even before making this post had multiple key points I wanted to vent about and now I have nothing. My emotions are explosive, and once I start (crying, laughing, hating life) I can’t really stop no matter what I try and do, mainly with crying. It feels like water just naturally is coming from my eyes constantly. It happens at work, school, home, I will stop my tears but if I try and talk again I start bawling. Im constantly question my own feelings towards my partner and their intentions towards me, even though we’ve been together for over 3 years.
I feel like I’m manic more than I’m ever calm. But I’m just not sure if sitting down and talking to someone and them handing me medication is going to help at all? I know there is work on my part to do as well. I feel like I’ve been getting better at working on my toxic behaviors but then sometimes my craziness just shows out. I also took the borderline spectrum test for the first time in a long time today and although I know a 50 question quiz can’t actually tell me who I am but it did tell me my borderline symptoms are high which made me sad. I’m not sure my point of posting in here but thank you to anyone who read and is listening ❤️