I (19f) have a close friend (Mark) at college and I hooked up with his best friend (Randy) at home over the summer. I thought Randy had a good time but a mutual made a comment that implied he was telling people that it was bad. Which is humiliating and devastating to me because I hate myself and my body so much, and the only solace I can find is knowing that at least some people want me sexually. I am having a lot of emotions and my preferred method of communication is suppressing everything and engaging in self destructive behavior, hoping someone will notice and ask. I really want to start a fight with Mark about it and blame him for talking about me behind my back with Randy, even though I have no evidence that he did and if so he probably didn't even say anything bad about me. I am upset at Randy but we're not friends so I can't say anything to him. Getting mad at Mark would be good because I could get my emotions out and it's self destructive as well because I am currently trying to drive everyone away from me. The other night me and mark got really drunk and I kept making hints thatI was mad at him. He asked me what it is and I refused to tell him so he was a bit bothered by it but we made up. Now I want to tell him because I need someone to tell me that I still have worth despite having an ugly body and being bad at sex. But it's also so embarrassing that I can't even say it out loud. I know that's not the right thing to do but I don't see another option (black and white thinking). I have no idea how to use proper communication and I don't even know where to start now that I'm out of DBT... also because most of the situation is in my head not based in reality. I hate saying serious things over text but I have never used DEARMAN skills. 

Also, I completed a DBT program two years ago and am being treated for depression. Never diagnosed with BPD but I see myself acting like some of the symptoms.