There's just so much going through my head at once. 

Sometimes I feel great, fucking happy and ready to take on the world, because I know I'm worth it.

Then I feel empty. Not sad, or happy, just empty. Sometimes it's not even triggered by an event. I just feel empty. 

I've come to realize some of the things I thought about in the past were irrational. I always thought I was always right, and that X person is a piece of shit, but I still love them anyway. 

I realized that in the back of my mind, I've always had "self destruct" buttons if anyone were to ever leave me. I've kept notes of things that would get someone fired, or something else just as fucked up. 

I've always used suicide as my go to. I've been this way for so long, that I have like, libraries of methods to use. I usually don't know why I haven't gone through with it yet. Probably because at my lowest, someone always brings me back to reality.

I've become aware of myself, and my mood swings. I think I'm just afraid I'll swing back to depression and anger, even though I know why I get depressed and angry. When I get depressed and angry, I usually turn the anger into myself because I don't want to hurt who I live, only myself. 

I dunno, I'm just confused. I guess I'm confused whether I'll go back to my anger and mood swings even though I know I have BPD now, or if like, it'll all just go away. My diagnoses was only 4 day ago. 

Every time I get in a good mood, it feels like my anger and depression was a bad dream. I almost feel like I wake up.

/rant. Thanks if anyone read this. There's no one in real life that I want to know what goes through my head. 
