**replaced bf name with T

You stupid fucking bitch what the fuck do you actually want in this life do you seriously want to do nothing and just lay around and relax? No. I want to have a good balance of work and play. Okay so what does that look like for you actually. Well right now I want to go for runs in the morning and maybe do some light weight lifting but honestly I feel like doing it by myself will be good alone time for me and even though we work out on our own at planet fitness I think I nearly feel smothered by T. Its not his fault he's done nothing wrong. I'm sure it would work in a healthy situation but I am not healthy and I obviously have not healed or developed to the point where he's at. And honestly it's difficult being with someone who feels so much better than me. He does everything right. He has no flaws. Thinks correctly. Is never wrong. It's hard. I don't want to be with anyone else. I love him and of course I think he's amazing so what the fuck is my issue. 

For starters I feels so fucking tired all of the time. T acts like it's just nothing. It's no big deal to feel exhausted constantly. He never acts tired until it's fucking bed time. How????? My body feels like it's so weak and hot and heavy. "Go work out then, get stronger" shut the fuck up!!!!!!!! Im fuckijg tired did you not hear me!?!?! "Go to bed earlier" SHUT THE FUCK UP I ALREADY HAVE BARELY ANY TIME TO RELAX AND ENJOY MY NIGHT AS IT IS YOU WANT ME TO REMOVE ANOTHER FUCKING HOUR????? I STILL WORK ON THE FUCKING WEEKENDS TOO I HQVE TO BE DOING SOMETHING ALL OF THE TIME OR I THINK THAT T HATES ME AND THINKS I SUCK AND I SHIUKD BE BETTER PERSON FOR HIM SO I KEEP GOING BUT IM SO FUCKING TIRED OH MY GOD WHY CANT I GET ONE FUCKING DAY TO DO NOTHING BUT RELAX AND NOT WORK, NOT CLEAN, JUST FUCKING RELAX?+?!?!?!??!? 

"You just had a vacation" 

It's DIFFERENT BEING UP NORTH WITH PEOPLE AND CAMPING IM ALWAYS AROUND SOMEONE WHEN DO I GET ALONE TIME???? IN MY FUCKING CAR WHILE IM WORKING?!?!?! NOT NECESSARILY WHAT IM ASKING FOR THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!! 

"You sound like a lazy ungrateful bitch" 

THATS THE ONLY FUCKING THING WAKING ME UP AT 430AM IS MY GRATEFULNESS FOR MY LIFE BUR I FEEL LIKE I AM BEING PUSHED HERE WAY HARDER THAN I EVER HAVE BEEN 

"It's good for you" 

I DONT GIVE A FUCK IF IT IS, GREAT! AWESOME! IM BETTERING MYSELF. BUT CAN THE FUCKING EXPECTATIONS AND EXPONENTIALLY STEEP INCLINE OF WHAT IS EXPECTED OF ME CHILL THE FUCK OUT????? GOD I CANT EVEN STAY CONSISTENT ON CLEANING OUT THE FUCKING CAT LITTER HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO STOP VAPING, WORKOUT DAILY, EAT HEALTHY, CLEAN HOUSE, WORK 40 HOURS A WEEK, GO TO COLLEGE, SAVE MONEY AND KEEP ALL OF MY FUCKING FLOWERS WATERED??????
I AM SO FUCKING OVERWHELMED RIGHT NOW ALL BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A HUGE DESIRE TO WORK OUT. YES I WANT THE PICTURE OF ME AND T BEING A WORKOUT TEAM AND HEALTHY AND PERFECT FUCKING POWER COUPLE BUT GUESS WHAT IM NOT FUCKING PERFECT!!!!+!!!!! I HAVENT TALKED ABOUT GOD YET EITHER I LITERALLY FUCKING CANNOT THIS IS ALL SO MUCH AND I WANT TO CEASE TO EXIST. JUST GIVE ME A BREAK I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO BE A FUNCTIONING ADULT. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHQHQHQHHAHAHAHQHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA IMS O FUCKED UP. HOW AM I SO FUCKED UP IM FUCKING BROKEN I FUCKING HATE MYSELF I WANT TO DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE