I spend 3 hours having a panic attack on and off, crying, and convincing myself to leave my room and go and socialise with housemates. 3 hours, then I do it. I'm super proud. I say hello to the 6 people in the room. 2 say hi. Then they ignore me. I'm desperately trying to work out what they're talking about so I can join, thinking of something I could add. Its HORRIBLE . I'm literally ignored then I'm trying not to panic and cry in front of them. 45 minutes like this, of everyone ignoring me. In the end I call a family member and leave the room. Talk to family member for an hour, thinking that I could go back in after and try again. But I don't. After I finish the call I start seriously seriously panicking and I stand still, absolutely frozen for over an hour, and all I can hear is them talking and laughing, none of them noticed I left. Eventually I gain the confidence to leave my hiding spot and go back to my room. From there I just break down and spend the next 5 hours crying, panicking,  and unsuccessful trying to calm down because that experience was AWFUL . I never want to socialise with them again, now it's real clear they don't care. Before I was giving them benefit of the doubt and believing a person who gives me advice sometimes that its just my brain making up that they hate me. Well, its not. As always, no one cares about me. After I called my family member I really wanted to talk to someone but I don't have anyone. I couldn't call anyone. My family don't (and WONT) know of my struggles and I'd never tell them. Sometimes there is a friend ill talk to but they were busy or ignoring me or idk. They seemed very bored and unimpressed. Somehow I think I angered them so I can't even message them anymore. So, it was an awful night. I learnt housemates and that friend I just mentioned, all hate me / don't care about me in the slightest and I slipped up so bad because I was like nearly 3 weeks clean from SH (big deal to me, like I was actuallydoing pretty well) and ...yeah. didnt have anyone but myself to help so I coped in the only way I have . Eventually at 4am I went to sleep somehow. Never ever want  to do that again. Hurts so much when you try SO SO SO HARD to do so,etching and it backfires so horribly. I don't know if I can work up the courage to ever ever try that again.