It’s not that I’m completely alone with no one to call, there are some people in my life, I am just choosing not to bother them. We have fun when we talk, we are still individuals when we don’t. Usually, I’d either become obnoxious to people that I do care about, start petty arguments about how they’re being too busy and not caring about me, or just look for someone entirely new to fill the void and help me pass the time. But these past couple of months, I’ve been trying to make peace with loneliness; I suspect it’s not loneliness at all, just my brain trying to find a reason for the chronic emptiness, with an easier way to fill it. 

I’ve gotten tired of acting out on all of these emotions, knowing they’re not true to who I truly am, as they’re just symptoms of my BPD, just to regret everything later on. I spend a lot of time on my own. I let my thoughts and feelings just come and go. It gets really tough sometimes, but I work hard to keep a positive mindset. It’d be easy to go on a chatting app, find another meaningless relationship that is only fun as long as the intial honeymoon (not very long), but I know it’s not what will help me in the long run. 

I don’t know much about who I am outside of mental illness, and interpersonal relationships make me lose my sense of self even more, so I’m focused on figuring out what makes me feel better, what I enjoy doing, experimenting with clothes, learning new things. I’m acting both opposite to the extreme emotions caused by BPD, but also being in tune with what I feel in a way that’s not destructive. 

There’s no point to this post other than me wanting to share my new way of living and recovering. It’s not easy, but it’s not all bad and miserable. Maybe it inspires someone not to message that toxic person they think they need but really don’t, haha.