I’ve been in this stupid fucking depressive episode for months now. Sometime last year I decided to join internet dating sites. I ended up matching with someone and we hit it off.

I had one “friend” tell me I was being cat fished and, “oh has this guy ever seen a depressive episode before? He probably won’t be able to handle it.”

I’ve been dating this guy since early January now. He knows all about my mental illness, ECT, etc and is very supportive.

My therapist has brought this up twice now. Saying that he’s going to get sick of me being like this and leave me.

I’m medicated, going to therapy, and doing ECT. I feel like she’s basically telling me “snap out of it” and when she and others say things like that, I feel completely undeserving of love and don’t deserve him.

Because of this I keep thinking he’s going to leave me. Any slight change in tone. No cute emoji in a text message. I haven’t heard from him at all today. I usually get a “good morning beautiful” text message from him.

I’ve brought it up twice to him now. Once in the middle of the night after a bad dream. I texted him and asked him if he was about to leave me. He asked what made me think that and I told him I had abandonment issues. Last night, I told him what my therapist said, but he didn’t reassure me.

Re: not hearing from him all day: I know he’s out of state and doesn’t have good service. He’s busy. He’s having fun. And plus, it’s a two way street. I could have messaged him, but I haven’t because I feel like a fucking burden. My completely fucking irrational side of my brain keeps telling me I haven’t heard from him and he’s not sending me cute texts because he’s gearing up to leave me and doesn’t want anything to do with me. My rational side knows I’m being completely fucking ridiculous, but I can’t stop it.

I don’t want to want to keep talking to or asking him about me feeling like this because I know that will get old and will cause things to get rocky. I don’t want to talk to my friends about it because I don’t want them to judge me or him. I just want to bitch.

The worst part is, I know how ridiculous I’m being. I feel like a child. I need constant reassurance that he’s not going to leave me and cares about me. I keep reminding myself of the things he’s said and done for me that shows he cares, but here I am. Having an emotional breakdown over not receiving a text message. I’m crying. I feel like I’m about to have a panic attack. And I am way too old to be acting like this. Mental illness fucking blows. Sorry for my useless rant/novel.