I gave myself 30 days to come up with 3 reasons to live - i could only identify one. I've gained over ten pounds, and the only supports i have in my life have become my biggest stressors - very rarely do i become attached to people and let down my walls enough to split with people but that happened and i began loathing myself today over something as simple as a hug. I hate that i became a complicating factor in their relationship and they asked me to move out - instead of takin my time (which i should be doing, seeing how i have both a concussion recovery and psych er visit to worry about), i'm rushing that as suddenly home is the last place i want to be. I recently moved hours away from my home, so on top of isolating myself and knowing nobody but these 2 people and working a stressful job (long odd story), i'm passively suicidal, pressuring myself to move out, having no support as i no longer feel loved or welcomed by the people i live with or were/are supported by, hate myself for existing, have to drive 2/3 hours to my brother's party tomorrow but have 0 energy to do it as i've been binging for weeks and the weight gain has me so depressed from crying and binge drinking on a dail basis that i have no energy or desire to do it and this has m just hating myself....

I can't do this anymore. I hate myself for feeling this way and having these thoughts, but i hate myself for continuing on just as much - i feel so conflicted and i'm in so much distress. Since the concussion i've been having migraines and anxiety attacks which i've never struggled with but workman's comp has been fighting covering so i've been stressed as fuck over that even though i've been diagnosed with post concussive syndrome and i'm seeing a neurologist this coming week to make sure i'm okay to finally go back to work - which no doubt ill be cleared for since hes a workmans comp doctor.

i cant fucking stand my life - it has no worth to me.