I moved to a new country this year for an exciting exchange program.

The problem? Before I left, I dated this girl for 5 ish months. She is the most amazing person I have ever met. But, at the time, I was so distracted that I was a shit boyfriend; I was unattentive, unreliable, selfish and would snap constantly.

I have had a lot of time to reflect on this lately, too much time. I guess I have been trying to figure out why I acted like this. Other factors, like my huge workload, anxiety about moving country with covid (will it happen - won't it happen - when will it happen), and a lack of trust that she actually loved me.

But basically, as hard as I try, every day, every god damn day, I cry and cry and cry for having hurt her so much. What could have been a beautiful (but temporary) relationship turned into an emotional rollercoaster for us both and its all my fault.

I would give absolutely anything to take back some of my actions, i and I am horrified that I did not appreciate this amazing person in my life.

The remorse and guilt I feel are like nothing I have ever felt before; I really can't sleep, I barely eat. I read self-help books and listen to audiobooks about mental health and happiness. And sometimes, it helps. I also call friends, which also helps.

But most of the time. F@ck, I just wanna die. It honestly feels like, except for turning back time, there is no fix. I hate the person I was and the way I acted for months. If the universe gave me the girl of my dreams and I ruined it - what the f@ck am I meant to do with the rest of my life.

While writing this, I've maybe slept 5 hours in two days, food tastes like nothing, and I can talk with people and try and distract myself, but nothing is going to fix it.

Basically, I really dont know how to deal with all this remorse and guilt. It is really too much.