Hi everyone, 

I don’t know how to start this but I just want some help with something. I’ve been diagnosed with bpd for over 5 years now and in that 5 years I’ve learnt to cope and now believe I have a fairly good grasp of it. So that includes learning my triggers, giving up drugs etc 

Now in the 5 years of me learning my lessons, I didn’t have any relationships, not anything meaningful or serious. Mostly for the fact I wasn’t ready and there wasn’t anyone I felt comfortable to open up complete. However this year I meet someone who’ve I felt I could learn to open myself up to again and possibly have a future with.

Flash forward 7 months into our relationship, and he’s had to  return back to his country due to unemployment from covid really hitting our city hard. He’s been gone for 3 months and I regressed mentally while he’s been away, working so much harder to maintain my sanity while he’s gone. One those really bad days/weeks I go down the hole of “He’s cheating on me right now”, “He’s lying”, “He doesn’t care about you”, “He won’t come back” all those horrible thoughts and then I try and play detective on his social media’s to find evidence on those thoughts. 
Previously when we were physically together I would imagine these things thoughts and ideas but that I could manage those thoughts and rationalise myself out of it, but since he’s been away it so much harder and worst. 

It’s really testing my sanity and my sobriety and he’s so wonderful and reassures me when I get really badly consumed by it but I feel like I’m only getting worst and he get sick of it and push him away if I can’t mentally handle it myself anymore.