So rn I'm lost. Because one second home is good. The next its bad and then when its bad at home it's good at work and visa versa. I'm at odds end... Nothing to look foreward to anymore. Ain't got no girlfriend to look foreward to seeing at weekends and when it gets to weekends I just sit at home alone all day. Brother goes out and meets his mates. Mum goes out and sees her friends. I can't go meet my ones cos they are all either too busy for me or busy being non-existant. I'm loosing the will to live rn. I've got no motivation. On top of that anxiety making it impossible to meet people. I just find myself laying in bed all the time I'm not working. I cry myself to sleep every night cos I miss my ex who left me 11 months ago on the 15th. 

When ever I speak to a new girl I find on tinder or on at the pub when I finally get over the anxiety of going out I end up being ghosted and ignored making me want to stay inside more and making it harder to go out. I feel lonley 24/7, ATM I've got £0.00 in my bank account so it's not like I can even afford to go to the bar to drink my troubles away I'm just stuck here ranting on Reddit to the only people who ever seem to give a shit. I just wanna go back 18 months and force myself not to be a shit bag and loose friends and people I loved... Back when I had people to see, didn't argue, and back when I wasn't diagnosed with BPD and I was more mentally stable... I'm just fucked rn... I sit here each day contemplating what the point in life is. I don't see it anymore. I feel empty. And I'm now numb to anyone who ever shows a sign of interest and I become unresponsive to my mum, brother, boss, colleagues and anyone who I see on a day to day basis. 

I was sectioned about a month ago because I tried to take my own life, and ngl still haven't even had those thoughts stop. I've got a little bit to look foreward to in tearms of I've got my therapy sessions and all that, but otherwise I'm litterally waking up, working, eating, then sitting waiting for work to start again, sleeping at somepoint in that. I texted my ex for the first time in a month the other day (she is still with that bastard she left me for yet cheated on him 4 times with me... Yet another level of confusion) and she said she missed speaking to me and that it's been hard without me there... I'm lost. Confused. And I just want to cry. Sometimes I wish I wasn't stopped that night a month ago. And I wish that I wasn't stuck in my room because when I go out my familly think I'm going to try take my life again. 

I don't know what Todo anymore... I need help but the help I'm getting doesn't seem to help... Therapy helps in crisis moments. But it seems it's just keeping me millimetres above the suicide line... And isn't actually helping me fix this thing in my head telling me to go do it. Or isn't helping me build up healthy relationships. I'm stuck... I'm lost... I don't know what Todo with myself anymore... FML... Like... I sit here every night with a blade in my hand deciding whether or not to make a small cut just so I can feel something. Just so I let the confusion, pain, anger and alround negative emotions bleed out of me... My arm is covered in scars from when I have previously self harmed... I just wanna be happy. Is that too much to ask for?...