I just got out of a bad episode and am trying to put the pieces back together.  I can’t help but sometimes cry myself to sleep thinking about every shitty thing that has happened.  I’m trying so hard to move past it all but the thoughts never completely leave.  I thought about therapy or even medication but most days I feel like my problems are maybe not as severe as I know them to be.  Honestly feels like my head wants to explode.
I promised myself to really stay away from self-harm since it always leads to shitty choices.  But god would I really like to sit in the bathtub just watching the water go red.  I want to scream and hit something.  It all really feels like I’m doomed for this stupid cycle to repeat.  I have no idea how everyone around me just lives like there’s nothing wrong or like they can’t find a way past whatever it is bothering them.  It’s like every direction I turn I see another impossible wall.  Recovery fucking sucks.  I’d rather be dead.