I have been suffering from depression off and on my whole life. I have done a lot of self medicating over the years especially in my youth. Although drug addiction is no longer something that effects my life as it did, I still smoke pot from time to time. Anyway, I recently have been waking up and just feeling like instantly irritated or angry and I just lay there trying to talk myself out of that feeling. The first thing I do every morning is lift weights and so I work out and I still don't feel any better. In fact, by this time I am usually very depressed and contemplating just running out the front door. I don't know where I want to go. This is so ridiculous. It is affecting my life, my relationship with my family and my career. I cannot feel any joy, I cannot get excited about anything or look forward to anything. 

Some days I will wake up and feel super motivated, I will look for my dream job and make plans to start saving money for a new car or new house or a vacation and everything feels okay, but that doesn't last long and I'm back to feeling like a worthless lump of shit. 

I am getting to the point where these ups and downs are making me feel frustrated to the point I want to trash my apartment or destroy stuff and it's not where I want to be. In a world where there is a pill for everything I don't want to be on more medicine, but I'm desperate at this point. I am dipping into retirement to keep my family afloat because I am too depressed to stay on task at work.  

I take Adderall for ADHD, which does help me tremendously. I do try to cut back on it when I don't need it for work or school. The depression or whatever it is definitely Trumps the effects of the Adderall though, when my mood is really bad. 

Does anyone have this going on with them? My family thinks I'm an asshole I'm sure and I don't want to put them through this anymore. Any advice, I would be grateful.