
I’ve been feeling apathetic to the point where I can’t function. My therapist recommended me to challenge these thoughts, and try and give myself credit and to feel like I can change. 

I feel like I’m self aware. I know what I’m doing is self destructive, I know I am in control and that I can change but I just find it so hard to care. I know why I’m feeling this way. I know it’s not healthy, and that it will get better if I continued. It gets better. Me and my therapist talked more in depth as to why I’m feeling this way, but idk.

She asked me if I truly wanted help, and I don’t know. I want help, but am I willing to take the advice for help? There’s no real solution except for me trying to make an effort to help myself, but it’s so hard to care about anything.

I genuinely feel like I don’t care. And it’s destroying me. And I’m okay with it as I’m not. I want to get better, but then I just remember what’s the point? Why should I care about getting better?

Why do I care about anything? And why do I care about getting help? Im considering dropping therapy. I’ve already quit calling the suicide hotline everytime I’ve felt like killing myself. I’ve stopped talking about my feelings to everyone around me.

It doesn’t matter because no one truly cares. Even my therapist. My family, my friends. I’ve tried reaching out, but the truth is that no one cares. Oh your suicidal and depressed? Everyone is, suck it up and live with it. To me suicide is not cowardly or a wrong decision. We all die. Why does it matter that it’s sooner and on my own terms? 

I’m only eighteen. It’s too young to die, I have so much to live for. Maybe One day if I stop being Asexual and in general repulsed by sex or romantic relationships, I’ll find a partner. Maybe I can find a friendship that will last a life time and live through experiences that would make me happy that I’m alive. Maybe I could make my own family. But then I think about it, and I’m fine with not experiencing that.

I’m fine with just not existing anymore. We all die, why does it matter now?

I don’t want help. And that’s okay.