CW: Suicidal ideation


Well truthfully, I started yesterday when I had an episode at work... Just a quiet one. If an outsider saw me, they would just see a normal worker. I was dying inside though. I ended up punching myself multiple times in the breakroom to finally calm down. This morning I did something even more "self-harmy."

 
The cherry on top? Nothing fucking happened. No triggers. Only thing that happened was I was reading I Hate You Don't Leave Me (the book about BPD) and came across something that made me feel like I was a manipulative monster. Since then I've been drowning and it's affecting my relationship today. I can feel myself trying to claw my way to the surface, but I can't. I want to self-harm again... Better yet, I don't want to be here anymore... I'm so tired of having to deal with emotions that are so overwhelming that I feel like I can't breathe. I want to just... Not be anymore. My friend did it a few months ago... She slipped away from us in April... Sometimes I feel her calling me... Sometimes I want to go to her... I saw the pain it brought her family though and still feel the pain she left with me... It's almost irrelevant at this point... I want to go where she went...