My name is Caity, I’m 20 years old, and I’ve been diagnosed with quiet a few mental illnesses. While I was reading on some of the threads here I was very interested in sharing my own story. TW— this story may contain triggering language and visuals and sexual abuse.

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A few months ago, (about a year, now that I think of it,) I was sitting in my therapists office listening to her list off a few main words that stuck with me even still. I had always known something was not quiet “right” in my headspace, as my thinking and actions spoke louder than what I tried to convince myself of otherwise. That day, I was diagnosed with three main things that have changed the way I operate to say. I was diagnosed with PPD (paranoid personality disorder,) BPD (borderline personality disorder,) and mild schizotypal tendencies. I was told I often slipped into a form of psychosis when reflecting on trauma, (being touched when I was 11, my father abandoning me, being taken advantage of a few weeks prior.) The more I thought on it, the more it made sense. I thought I would share with you my daily symptoms and my “normal.”

PPD (Paranoid Personality Disorder)-

This is one that I can really say has turned my life upside down. When I lived in my previous house, every turn I took in a dark room felt like I was dying. I felt a looming cloud constantly grasping at my breath and my being. If I closed my eyes, it WOULD kill me. Now you may think this was a fear of the dark, but it was so much more than that. I was DEBILITATED to the point where I would slip into auto pilot to take me away from the “menace.” It even carried so far down that if I went to a restaurant and a woman talked to my boyfriend a certain way, I would think she was out to get me. ME, not even knowing her name, she had a plan to ruin my life. Every time I see a stranger even now, I think they are out to hurt me. It’s a sense of a “delusional reality” that my mind translates into real life. Everybody has a vendetta against me. If I don’t sleep with the covers on my ears I’ll wake up and they’ll be gone, if I walk outside at night without a flashlight on I won’t make it back inside. There’s always something watching me. My walls breathe on me. 

BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)-

BPD is a fun little term for basically having two different mindsets, at least for my case. When very traumatic news comes my way, (a cheating partner, someone says something that negatively influences me, etc,) I go into a psychosis state of mind. Instead of feeling fully present in my body, I’m watching it like a dream, and the worst part is I can’t control it. I have major control issues, everything has to go my way and has to be done right the first time or it’s not right at all, and being out of control of my actions and my body is a very scary, transparent feeling. I get cynical, I get nasty, I get heartless. I am a very soft natured person, never been in a fight, always did well for my teachers, I even volunteer with pigs at a local sanctuary, so seeing myself be so hateful and cruel is agonizing. I feel numb and my entire body tingles, like my blood has turned to Novocain. 

Schizotypal Tendencies-

When it comes down to it, I hallucinate very vividly. I see all kinds of things in my day to day life. My most notable one that almost caused me to wreck was what I lovingly dubbed “The Black Thing.” I was driving home from work on a dark night, when I heard something knock on my window. I was going down a very windy road and figured it to be a pebble or a big. Then, I heard it again, louder and stronger. Things in my passenger seat started rustling, but all of my windows were up. When I looked at my window there was a black hand holding on, like he was trying to get in. I pulled up over the curb next to a church and for as far as my headlights reached, there was blood in the road. I had been on the phone with boyfriend the entire time and he heard me get more and more panicked. This is one example of many, there also exists the “white figure, field dancers, and hunched men,” none of which are malevolent like “The Black Thing.” Every day I witness something new. It’s just a daily thing.

I hope you guys enjoyed reading up a bit on something you may not have been able to hear before. If you have any questions please feel free to ask! If you ever need help, please feel free to reach out, but don’t stop there. If you feel there is room for concern please seek a professional to make sense of everything.