Hi, first time posting here. On mobile, so sorry about formatting! Not sure how to word this, but backstory is that I found out I have bpd recently, and i found out after a really bad breakdown when my partner went to hang out with other folks without me for really the first time since we've been together. It wasn't done maliciously, but it's like as soon as they leave, my fear/trauma kicks in and I feel abandoned and disposable and useless (it's happened a few times now and feels worse each time). Doesn't matter how much my partner says they love me beforehand, I sink into a pit of hatred and sadness. I also feel nothing but hatred for the people they hung out with and any time they mention something about one of their hangouts, I have to actively fight back the urge to scream because I get so angry my face gets hot. My feelings around it are that I never want to know how good of a time they had or who they were with, because it feels like salt in the wound since my memories of those nights is extremely traumatic (usually a lot of flashbacks from past trauma kick up when they leave too). 

I've talked to my partner about this and I'm working with my therapist, but even when I'm medicated, my brain reacts with such a strong repulsion for anything associated with those nights, and I feel like a selfish asshole for 1) not feeling like I can be left alone and 2) not being able to talk about/listen to my partner's experiences. It's been really upsetting for them as they have their own trauma around emotions like anger. I try my hardest to hold everything in, but these situations have broken my patience. I don't yell or turn it on them but it does show that I'm pissed, especially when I just end up crying all day for days on end and avoid them because I don't want to be touched or cared for when I remember how hurt I felt. 

I guess I was wondering then if anyone has experience with trying to manage long term splitting or feelings of anger? Or if anyone has advice or experience with feelings like this in general? Am I an asshole for not being able to handle this? I repeat mantras and try to be mindful, but I can't help having the physical feelings of anger/hurt/sadness and it's kinda fucking up my relationships at this point.