Hello. I have a couple of questions. I am currently on Adderall XR, duloxetine, propranolol, gabapentin, and klonopin. 

I suffer from depression, PTSD, anxiety, social anxiety, intrusive thoughts(thoughts that don’t feel like my own and that I don’t want to have), when I’m around people I feel like I’m doing something wrong or acting weird, and ADHD. 

I have a huge fear of death. My nine month old son unexpectedly passed away in Dec of 2019. He was and still is my world. I have a lot of regret going to work that day and thinking there may have been something that I could have done to save him. I was at work at the time. I rushed home when I got the call from my husband. The EMTs would not let me in the ambulance and I did not get to see my baby until he was already gone. Afterwards I would stay up all night and check my other kids regularly to make sure they were okay. I have a huge fear of anything demonic, death, windows where you can see your shadow ect. I went to the doctor and they said I was just depressed. I started having panic attacks regularly, which I had to go to the hospital for because I thought I was having a heart attack. Now certain things tigger me and I will start having intrusive thoughts(thoughts that don’t feel like my own and that I don’t want to have).

Also, I can’t go to sleep unless my husband lets me fall asleep first. If he falls asleep before me I will stay up half the night. I can’t have any fans running or the tv on because my mind wants to listen for every little sound and freak out.

I don’t like people very much. Mainly because I feel weird around them. I start to think that I’m doing something wrong or acting strange, so I want to get away from them as quickly as possible. 

I do not like to hear about depressive or sad events from other people regarding there lives. This acts as a trigger for me especially if someone in there family died or something. I have a hard time reasoning or trying to make other people feel better. Hearing peoples stories just clams me up, freaks me out, and intrusive thoughts begin. 

My child hood to me was terrible. My parents divorced at a really young age. My mom and her new husband never wanted to deal with me. My mom worked nights and my step dad stayed home with me. I was always bound to the house. If I did something wrong I would be grounded to my room for at least a month. I could only come out of my room to use the bathroom or eat. If I woke up to early I would have been called every name in the book when it normally was his fault if I woke up early, due to him being to loud while lifting weights. I wasn’t Allowed to pour my own milk into my breakfast until I moved into my dads house at age 16. I tried to commit suicide a couple times as a child. Ect my trauma just keeps going. 

I have tried several different medications. Are there any you could recommend that I speak with my doctor about? I am really needing relief.