I’m only a 17 year old male and I’m going to college In a few months and I’m tired of my appearance. After my parents divorced early in life I got said and couldn’t get over it for years and years. That was when I started to turn to fucking food for my comfort. I hate myself for being weak and not holding myself back from the food. If I could have ten seconds alone with my past self I’d just scream at them to stop eating, go outside more and make more friends. I’ve gone to counseling now my entire high school career. I’m a senior now and I’ve never had a girlfriend since middle school, when we were dating I was big but I was confident and i actually didn’t care about my weight, but of course she was with another boy. 

When I got to high school a girl liked me, but I was too shy to talk to her when she tried to talk to me. I’m ashamed that my weight and my appearance has held me back from having any fun for the last 4 years. My counselor and I are such great friends and we talk about everything in his office, but once I step out of the office and go back home, I’m back in my shithole of a world. 

I have the perfect family to! Loving, caring and everything, so I realized it had nothing to do with them, but it was my selfishness and my idiocy. 

I finally have decided to walk. I’ve fallen off the wagon a couple of times but I managed to lose ten pounds. I no longer have body pains anymore, but I want results. I know nothing comes overnight but I’m crying as I’m writing this. All I want is a girl who will love me for who I am, and most importantly I’m tired of looking this way. I’m trying so hard to lose weight, I’ve been completely alone my entire high school experience, very few friends, the ones I used to have either moved away, are homeschooled, or we don’t see each-other since our classes and lunch shifts switch. My counselor told me that I need to live on campus In college which I’ve decided to do in order to interact with others because I’ve “already suffered long enough” in high school being so isolated. And it’s all because of my weight, I hold myself back from everything, even speaking. Today I didn’t have to speak throughout the entire day. I didn’t say a word to anyone except me talking to myself. I’m too afraid to do anything because I see all these fit guys and good looking people, thinking they’ll judge me. 

I wear a jacket everyday over my shirt to hide the obvious fact I’m overweight. Even in the summer I wear it, I’m too scared to simply walk open with just a shirt on, I always hide my body with a jacket. I’m tired of being this way, I want help and if I could have one wish granted to me, I wouldn’t wish it on ending world hunger or anything, I’d wish it on me losing all my weight. That’s how bad it is... 

I don’t want to go into college a fat nobody, I’ve told myself in middle school “you’re not going into high school a fatass” then I told myself, you’re not going to look this this sophomore year, then junior year, senior year, and now I’m telling myself college. I’m just thinking about starving myself to be honest. I’m just tired of being so self conscious and I want to be confident in my body. Every damn time I look in the mirror I cry, I can’t take it anymore, I’m sick of my weakness. 

I’m walking around my neighborhood and I’ve lost 10 pounds like I said, but I don’t notice anything, I’m still disgusting and ugly. I don’t want this life anymore. I had a job and saved up my money wisely. I WOULD spend ALL of my money I have saved up from my old job just to get a liposuction or something to remove the fat cells, I’m willing to spend all of my money to look better as soon as I turn 18 if I could.. but I can’t, and I have to go through this long tedious shitty process, but I don’t care, I’ll push myself through it everyday, I’ll eat the very minimum I can to survive and cry through it because I deserve the pain for making my life hell all throughout middle school and high school.

I’m just tired and done with this, I want to change and I want it now..