*Warning all over the place etched in sleep deprivation and stress

I'll keep this short and pithy for mental ease and because nobody will read  much but OS storage is full dump truck's backing into Reddit. Life. I think its easier to start with a question. Why am I such a blunt screw? Every day's a maze, my head either feels high strung and raring for salvo or melted into my wide souless eyes. I don't have any particular fixations, a few idle hobbies and of course the typical neck clawing job. 

First; dating. Don't feel confident in my appearance so likely never going to speak to women, apart from my true friends, but romantically there's no one of particular interest who I feel would bother sticking around. I never got much female attention growing up, in fact, throughout middle school random girls snickered behind my back and complimented other dudes so ff to hs when this girl cold approached me I was stoked. Short term connection ended in tragedy, shoutout "best friend" and since then I haven't bothered approaching new love interests, Achilles heel I'm a one ride cowboy, once nearly drowned in a swimming pool and never bothered continuing. Been single for a while now and while there's no real excuse I am very likely on the spectrum with pitiful regimental consistency/executive functioning. Plus conversation topics generally stagnate. I'm typically anxious and imo not great at small talk. Triple whammy; sad sack's naturally pessimistic so I'm forseeing all forms of collusion like pill popping dr strange. So now I'm convinced that most commitments will end in disaster and heedlessly stick that "incompatible" label on every woman. Which thinking now could be some conked defense mechanism established during my formative years.

My family doesn't know but I'm locked in several patterns of OCD involving mirrors and numbers explaining's too complicated makes me nervous but i feel like my mom will write me off as hypochondriac if i tell her the truth 

Self improvement: Been working on setting goals recently brief reprieves across the voard helped alleviate "anticipatory" stress. Keeps my temper at bay to boot. Music centers focus levels and periodic exercise maintains decent BP. But golly repetition's a hassle. I can only play the same tune for so long. Any ideas on how to enjoy monotony? Even at work, all's well so far but I fear an inevitable slipup will drudge up anxiety, decreasing my self esteem and work efficiency. How do you get motivated to return to the same place time and time again? How do you find a career that harmonizes with you for day in day out years on end? There's so much I want to unearth I can barely prioritize a weekly hobby.

Anyway finance; I've been educating myself and investing in the still water economy but beyond that, I'm not quite sure how to level up. I'd like to earn more money ethically. Mom was doing great until she quit her job, shes been single raising another child for years and struggling especially since the pandemic. I ditched college to work for rent cushioning and help around the house while she balances her credit score hoping to kickstart a passion project. Alas her business hasn't sailed so now we're both in financial limbo. Dumb gang ✌ 

TLDR; word on the street, Eeyore feels like a lost dumb scrub watching time fly and the champions soar high. Feeling disappointed because mom wanted a go-getter. Not 18 y/o joe. Guess that's expected I've never had an eye for power. 'A dream deferred' indeed.

Blitzing this out in hypomania softens the blow I feel really good but needed to get this off my chest before I decide it's pointless and drop the idea in the sinkhole

Gonna delete this tomorrow when i reaffirm how cringe it sounds so get your laughs in now

Peace