I have comorbid OCD with BPD, but I imagine this is something others can relate to. I'm currently on a break with a friend/FWB. He said to get back in contact in a month. He's currently dealing with a lot of serious issues, but he's a chronic liar - I suspect he has NPD and/or ASPD - so I don't know how true any of it is. Also, he tends to go back on his word - he'll say 'Don't contact me for X time', but if I call him during that time, he'll be receptive and have a long conversation, or he'll break the NC himself. 

However, this time seems more serious - I think he's genuinely going through a difficult time. It's impossible to say, though. We've been (sort of) friends for seven months; he cut off contact the day after we slept together. Curious timing. Also, it wasn't just 'Don't call me', it was 'I'm going to throw away my phone and delete social media so no one can contact me'. As someone with BPD and abandonment issues, it was triggering hearing that immediately after sex.

However, this coincided with him receiving bad news about his father, who's living overseas and has terminal cancer. He's known about the cancer for months, but it sounds as if his father's condition has suddenly gotten worse. In addition, he's doing a very intense graduate degree, and it's exam time. 

We actually left things on an okay note. I got upset at him cutting off contact, and he met up with me and we talked. We agreed not to speak for a month. Then I called him the next day just to clarify something, and he said he was going overseas that day (which he was), and that he'd most likely be back in a few days. I called a few days later and his phone was off. I called again on the following two days, and his phone was still off. This is unusual, and indicates he's probably still overseas (or is here and not using his phone).

Anyway, even though I'm not in love with this guy - far from it - I'm constantly thinking about him. My mind's constantly wondering, **'Is he really going through a hard time, or is he using that as an excuse not to be in contact, and doing pot and sleeping with other girls?'** I don't even care that much if it's the latter -- *I just want to know what the deal is*. OCD thrives on uncertainty. (Also, I lost my mother to terminal cancer, so I get how it is - but I know it's possible to use it as an excuse to avoid situations.)

You can see the useless obsessiveness here. My question is - **is it really better to refrain from calling (once) each day, and think all this bullshit all day, from waking to when I sleep? Is it not better just to call and see what happens, then move on?** The only thing is, I don't want to look like a stalker, and a missed call from me each day would look unhinged. Also, say the call doesn't go as I expect - for instance, I call, find out he's home and just ignoring me - I tend to go into BPD mode, where I become desperate to make contact. Cue dozens of phone calls, texts, etc. I'd rather avoid that. 

I'm legitimately unsure. I had a friend at university who would justify breaking a designated study block to check Facebook because he claimed the 'cognitive load of not checking' impacted his ability to work effectively. It kind of feels like the same thing is happening here. I can refrain from not contacting him, but at what price? I do things like urge surfing and distracting myself, but at the end, my mind's like 'I still want to contact him, lol'.  

(By the way, this applies to whatever my current obession is - I could be obsessing about something as innocuous as the design of my house, or a work project, and if I think it's off I'll think of it constantly.)

The thing is, if I had another romantic attraction, I'd probably be able to get through this much more easily. The issue is that this guy, despite often being an asshole, was at the same time a source of fun, new experiences and good advice. Meanwhile, I seem to be beacon for needy, boring guys who expect me to provide all the fun. So I have a scarcity mindset in terms of romance. It's genuinely rare to meet someone interesting. 

Well, this turned into a long vent. Also, I do have a DBT psychologist, but she just spoke vaguely of 'setting better boundaries' and seemed as baffled by all this as I did. DBT doesn't work too well for OCD, which is probably what's driving this. The OCD response would be to imagine the worst (he's not going through that much stress - he's ignoring me and sleeping with other girls!), accept it's possible, and don't give in to the urge to check (calling him).