In 2020, I put all my hope into trying to salvage a failing relationship with someone I considered my best friend because I believed I would never be able to open myself up to anyone ever again.

In 2021, when that finally ended, I wallowed in self-pity and let it influence how I felt about all my other relationships. I spent countless months in self-inflicted isolation. I hid from the world and let my passions die. The life that I wasn't happy with but would at the very least get me to tomorrow was no more. I knew how self-destructive I was being but I couldn't find a reason to change course. It just felt too good to let it all fall apart. To just give up and give in. It wasn't until I was forced to change environments when our family sold our house that I spent my entire 25 years of life in that I saw a glimmer of hope. But even then, I was just going through the motions.

I was lucky enough to have a dear friend of mine take me in temporarily while I was transitioning to our new place and it wasn't until I was out of that old house and away my family that I started seeing something beyond the hell I was living in... I honestly had no idea what I was seeing or feeling but I recall hearing the voice of my old self that I had faith in. Nothing was instant. There were days I would still lock myself away, even with the closest person I had at the time being one knock away. There were still days where I couldn't hide from the criticisms and opinions of my family. But day by day, I took any small opportunity to just try. Try anything at all. After months of dodging all of my friends, I faced my fears and slowly reconnected with them. I started therapy again. I tried so hard to find a psychiatrist that would actually work with me and my concerns, calling office after office. I started small projects to reignite my passions.

It is 2022 and much has developed since then and I can say overall from these past three months that I am happy again. I finally landed a job after so much doubt. I have never been closer to my friends. I am actually going out to meet people and letting myself be vulnerable again. Depression is definitely a spectrum because though I say all that, I realize how easily it can sneak up on you again. It gets rough for me in the night and I'm sure I'll go back to being positive in the morning but I guess I just wanted to post this for people looking for an answer. I don't think I will ever be able to completely outrun these demons but I feel like these past three months, I've learned that we can share this life together. I don't want to be completely nihilistic and believe that depression is a hopeless pit that will swallow me whole one day but being realistic about it has given me some comfort that this will come and go. Tomorrow is another day and like I started to do when I first arrived at my friend's apartment, I will continue to take as many victories as I can. No matter how big or small.

I'll leave you with an idea that gave me hope early on and that's that all boats rise together. While you may feel like there is so much for you to fix, taking it one day at a time and doing as much as you can muster will yield results for you one day. You don't have to believe that but it is the least you can do for yourself because no one else can do it for you. It was really hard to swallow that thought but I am glad that I had even a little faith in that dream.

🖤