After years of mental illness, antipsychotics, drug use, and escapism through watching tv etc, I feel so stupid. I hate it. My memory is shit. I have an intelligence complex because I got a high score on the iq test when I was in elementary school. Now after all the self destruction I hate myself because at age 20 I can't even live up to my 11 year old self. 
I'm going to change that. I am working on becoming the person I want to be. I have started reading books again, researching things that are interesting to me, and learning how to play electronic instruments such as synthesizers. I don't have good conversation skills but I am going to try to talk to people every day and have conversations about interesting things. Also working on quitting the drugs. And writing in a journal. I really want to feel better about myself but nothing's going to change if I dont take physical action.