It was new and full of hope and laughter and sweet kisses. He was unassuming and shy, he liked me a lot. I grew to like him and suddenly I really did. But then an argument happened, but I thought it was OK, but it never really was OK after that. He didn't get over it as fast as me and then suddenly he felt smothered, then pulled away and asked for space...but I ran after him like a foolish bunny...and now he doesn't want me at all. 

Of course, all I can think about are ways to win him over, magic words, magic actions, magic pictures, magic dates...I want to magic him back. I want to use every bit of energy in my body to enchant him back, to see how nice it would be if it were me and him again, how it's not all lost over one argument and emotional outburst from me. How BPD doesn't always come up into my life and he just caught me at a stressful moment. I want to laugh with him again, I want to see him again, I want him to smile and say something nice to me and want to spend time with me again. 

Every bit of my body is jumping and on fire wanting this to not be happening, wanting this to change. If I wasn't so sensitive, if I didn't say that stupid thing I said, if he didn't see me cry a little, if I just stayed calm and had faith when I should have. 

But it's probably too late. I'll keep fighting for it, because that's what I do, but I'm tired of fighting to save what I've already damaged. Tired of being both the destroyer and the saint. Tired of having to be so perfect after I've messed up just to prove I'm not that difficult. This is what it's like to have Borderline, just when you're happy, it comes up and teases you and makes you so paranoid that you sabotage everything and then you're left chasing the smoke of the flame that's already been extinguished. 

And I want to say I've learned, but the truth is, the more I lose, the more eager I am to win, the more I want that love more and crave it and the harder I go to get it. I'm tired of being alone, tired of being disappointed. I'm tired of living with my brain. 