I'm 41, and today I am on the brink of losing my partner and home. Two years ago, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. One thing led to another, and I was diagnosed with BPD. I started therapy several weeks ago. Unfortunately, my sessions get overwhelmed by the fierce pain and difficulties I'm currently experiencing. 

Despite over twenty years of going through several long-term relationships (and all the things in between) and marriage, I've always been able to function. After a huge crash with the end of a relationship, I feel overwhelming relief to be out. But, before I knew it, I was again in a relationship. 

But this time, I've ruined things. I think through a combination of work-related stress during the pandemic, family issues, and having just come out of a divorce and losing my home, I got very depressed. At the same time, my anxiety was going through the roof. I felt like I had lost control of life, so I started suffocating myself with plastic bags. 

Fast forward to now. My BPD has been so bad over the last six months. Unfortunately, my chronic anxiety has meant that I've been at my lowest, and my splitting has run rampant through this house. I'm switching between okay to being furious or in a huge crying mess. This illness has well and truly wrecked this relationship. I've been randomly exploding into fits of anger or mania, and my partner of four years, whom I live with, has had enough. 

Yesterday she brought up couples counselling. I've jumped at the chance. But today, she said, "The resent me has gone too far; I can't stop it anymore. You are very selfish, and you are not a nice person." I'm so terrified of talking to her that I've gone and locked myself in my office.  On top of this, just before we spoke, I was in a great mood and I was going to spend some of the evenings replying to all the messages from friends and family that I'd put off for days, some weeks.  But I just don't have the willpower now. If only time could stop.