im having a hard time loving properly. im scared to hurt him. hes equally unstable if not more unstable than me. 

i met him december last year and from the moment we met it was like..........idk so amazing? but now i realize every time i meet a new guy its like sOOOO amazing!!! ((((**long distance**))))))

when we met he was still obsessed with another girl, but flirting with me. i kind of forced him to get over her (i dont regret it because she was literally cheating on him and stealing his money lol) around beginning of january we had a few days where we didnt speak because he made it seemed like he wanted to still be with her. he reassures me he wanted nothing to do with her and we carried on normal talking being happy etc.

few days before valentines day i split on him for the first time. it was really bad. he kept calling me one morning at like 4 am, and each phone call got me more and more upset to the point i said if he called me one more time i would block him and make it where he could never find me again. well he called me again and i blocked him. went back to sleep. i blocked him everywhere after i woke up. i put in my mind that i hated him and i would never talk to him again. with that in mind, i started flirting with someone else. figured since we would never talk again i should just try to move on. i didnt miss him at all for the week that i ignored him. i didnt feel bad. he even made an alternate acc on instagram and was sending me over 40 dms a day, just begging me to speak to him, telling me he loves me. on the last day of not talking to him, it hit me at like 3 am that i missed him. i forced a fight between me and this new guy so it would end and i could go back to the person i genuinely liked. 

its been a hard road of earning his trust back but i think its back for the most part. he officially asked me to be his girlfriend march 5th and it doesnt feel like a relationship and i dont find myself holding any loyalties to him. i do love him, or at least i think i do. im scared to leave him or tell him i dont know if i want a relationship because im scared he will kill himself. every girl hes ever been with, just leaves him or cheats on him. and in reality im doing the same thing that i promised him i wouldnt do. i seem like a dumbass claiming i love him but being able to flirt or do sexual things with other people, and in reality im no better than the girl he was previously with. 

he suffers from anorexia and a deep...bad...bad depression. he has serious body image issues even tho he is the most beautiful person ive ever seen. 

how do i love normally with bpd? how do i learn to not take my relationship for granted? how do i figure out if i genuinely love him or if im scared to be lonely? i dont know what to do, i probably didnt give enough context

*i want this relationship to work, i want to be with him and love him and have it all be meaningful.* 