Everything's wrong right now. I feel like I'm letting my kids down and I've been a shitty S/O. My girl lost her brother to covid a few months ago and I'm having a hard time being there for her due to the fact that we didn't get along and I'm dealing with my own depression for a couple years now due to my mom passing away unexpectedly.

 I know it's selfish of me and I'm honestly just starting to feel like a big fucking fraud. On top of that we've been paycheck to paycheck due to me having to stop working to go to barber school full time "supposedly" to make more money and stop working under others. 7 months later, unexpected expenses made it so I can't even finish paying my tuition to get permission to take my state board test to be liscesned. Now I have to wait 2 more months. 

Everything's fucked, I feel alone I'm sure Im bipolar too since it runs in the family. I have a weapon that we have for self defense, everyone in my state carries. I would never hurt anyone but I find myself playing with the thought of "what if" when it comes to turning it on me. I don't feel like I would but idk. 

I'm pretty sure my SO and I are going to split down the road to the point where I almost want to cut it off myself before things get worst and it's a shitty feeling because I know I'm the main cause. Idk what to do anymore. I just feel toxic at this point..