Throwaway account because I don't want this associated with my main one and I'm on closing hours of a 24hr shift, feel like ranting so, I apologize beforehand if everything is jumbled together

I'm active duty military and was diagnosed with depression in 2012, I had been depression free for nearly 3yrs because I took the time to improve myself, carrying on because of the motivation I had to join the Army. Now that I'm here and been in for nearly 2yrs, I just don't know what to do anymore. I have no driving factor, everything is just... empty? I don't know how to describe it really, I just don't have motivation for really anything anymore  and don't even feel "alive", just counting down the days until I can get away with disappearing.


Majority of the time I sleep, I don't dream and feel just as bad as if I haven't slept even though it's one of my only outlets to just disconnect from everything. My romantic life is nonexistent, I crave some sort of trust and intimacy and yet I can't even muster a date. Is it my looks? Is it my personality? I don't know and, at this point it looks like my family name will die with me. My back has been injured since October of 2021 and I'm just in pain in some way or another every single day because the military healthcare system is god awful. I don't get paid jack for the work and hours I put in, or the bullshit I deal with on a daily basis. 

My social life is pretty garbage, too. I have no friends left from my home town, they've all stopped talking to me. The people I interact with daily are all I know and even then, I can only really call one person a truly good friend. He and I have gone through a lot of the same things so, we're sort of our own safety net but there's only so much that does. I'm just so fed up with everything and don't want to exist anymore