my friend is possibly getting hospitalized for mental health soon and my girlfriend is doing really bad mental health wise, they’re having trouble getting out of bed and their parents aren’t good with their mental health so they’re really struggling. they aren’t feeling suicidal, just super depressed. their parents prioritize school over mental health so they have to go to school on days they feel terrible. they’re going down on some meds so they can go up on some others so that’s playing into it but it’s not the only thing as they started going downhill a few days before the meds went down. and i just miss when that was me. 

i don’t know why i want to be in a bad place again, i just miss it. i want to be in a bad place. i want to feel so depressed it’s hard to do things. i want to stay in bed all day. i want to be hospitalized. i know it’s weird and it’s crazy but i’ve been thinking this for a while. i guess it was just easier not having to put effort into getting better and it was nice to get attention i guess? it sounds so toxic and it probably is, but i like attention. i want to be at a bad point mentally. it’s exhausting talking to my girlfriend when they’re feeling so bad cause i just can’t help and i want to be like that. i guess i also just don’t like being responsible for making people feel better. 

looking back there were a few times that hospitalization would’ve helped me. when i was struggling a lot with my weight and eating because of ARFID, when i couldn’t even go a day without feeling suicidal, when my impulsive decisions were reckless and sometimes dangerous. i was hospitalized for about 14 hours after begging to be put in the psych ward because i was gonna kill myself otherwise because my friends reported my pedophile boyfriend to the police 

i’ve considered skipping my meds to feel depressed again. and it’s crazy that i’m considering that. cause i know i shouldn’t. i just want to feel normal again i guess