I've had one of the the most terrible evenings yesterday. To a point that after a good 2 years of therapy and being "constrained" - I ended up cutting myself. Why? Coz I couldn't contain my emotions and the state I was (am?) in.

2 years of therapy 1 year of being on Zoloft. And boom! It boils down to my most "comfortable" version of escape from mental pain.

I am so close to messaging my ex-SO - someone who I kept at an arms distant (logically) because I didn't know what I want in life and I was already very scarred - and yet, without my "oblivious" knowledge, have fallen in deep love and respect with. But I've stayed away. Not being selfish. And looking and wanting after her well-being. And I wonder to myself, isn't that what love truly means? Letting them being happy? Being content and happy on their behalf? Because you know you're flawed as a person. And you struggle to be with them and yet get to a point in your head to make a conscious decision to let them go. Because it's not fair on them. 

A few months ago, in the same situation, I'd have reached out to her. But now, even though, personally, I'm in a really torn state... And the fact that all I can think of is the comfort of the smell of her hair and the fortitude of her mettle in perspective of approach towards life... I'm genuinely holding back from messaging her. 

Oh damn! I digress.

So - onwards. Venting. And using this sub to reach out for support. Being mindful of the fact that I shouldn't be the cause of disrupting (any more and further) someone else's life. 

What's the point of this post? I honestly have no clue! I regret cutting. But hey! I always did. Post-mortem is always disastrous.

&amp;#x200B;

Back to square one!