My mom (64) has depression and always says that there are people coming after her, entering our house, spying on her phone, etc. She has always been paranoid since I was little. She accused my dad had an affair and was super controlling of his life until he was killed in a car accident when I was 5. And then whenever we had a relative from my dad side to visit us, she always blamed them stealing, or she would say I stole her money. I didn’t know what happened to her at that time, I just felt so hurt. And then when I was in high school, she became to say her coworkers spied on her phone, and whenever she spoke to me on the phone, she would say “you don’t say anything, just say yes or no” and the conversations were just about some regular stuff. And then finally I was aware there was something wrong with her, so I took her to see a psychologist when I was in college. But she lied on those self reported surveys, so the psychologist didn’t do anything. And then I came to United States to pursue my doctoral degree. She was okay for a really long time, until I graduated and got a postdoc position. She broke up with her then boyfriend and claimed that her boyfriend’s son was spying on her phone, fabricating her debit cards, and trying to steal her identity, etc. Her money was never got stolen a penny. She then came to United States to avoid them. But no matter how many times and how long that I explained to her or even tricked her that I had a friend who was working at FBI, so just let them have your money we can track them down, she would still be the same. She refused to see a psychiatrist, no matter how hard I tried, I even tried to force her to see a psychiatrist. But finally I said I would pay her visit and pay for the meds, and threatened her if she still refused to see a psychiatrist I would kill myself, she went. And then her depression or whatever was under control for a while until recently. Apparently she stoped taking meds after she felt her illness was under control, and she was super anti doctors and pills and stubborn. I asked her to see a psychiatrist, and she did. But she didn’t take prescriptions regularly I guess, only when she felt she needed. So it really deteriorated fast, she began to take a lot of pills. Two days ago, she took 8 of those sedative pills even though the psychiatrist only asked her to take one a day. And she passed out and unconscious. She is hospitalized for 6 days, but finally is getting better. 

I understand that she is sick, that’s not what she wants and needs to be taken care of, but who is staking care of me? During these many years, I prepared for GRE and applied for schools all by myself and even had to work part time to earn money for taking GRE and applications (because she didn’t support me, she wanted me to get married and find a stable job), I completed my graduate schools with an assistantship, suffered from a narcissistic postdoc advisor, and another petty supervisor, and no mention two breakups. I was never able to seek support from my mom, I had to go through all of these things all by myself. I once called her to ask for help, she said “don’t talk to me, talk to your cousins and your friends.” I recently moved to another state and finally found my dream job, she never ever asked me once how is your job, do you like the place that you’re living. 

When my dad passed, she wanted a job at my dad’s company, she left me at my dad’s boss’s office and said she couldn’t raise me if they didn’t give her the job. I was five, I really thought my mom abandoned me. Until now, I still get those nightmares that my mom left me, and I felt so hopeless and would cry until I woke up from the nightmares. My mom was the one who taught me what was suicide when I was little, she was the one who invited her then boyfriends to our house, and slept on the same bed with me, they even had sex on the same bed when I was sleeping (I was in elementary school), etc.

I didn’t choose to be born, but now I feel so guilty and feel like I have to give up all I have now in the US to go back to my home town to take care of her. 

Sorry for the long post, I just need a place to vent.