Hi All,

  
I got officially diagnosed with BPD last week and it's been on my mind nearly non-stop since then. I have a fairly mild case luckily I suppose. Although I still recognize a nasty pattern of behavior I've had most of my adult life that has troubled me and made me always wonder, what's so wrong with me? Why can't I keep and have normal friends/relationships? Why is my family so distant? Why do I not get invited to weddings? Where are all my friends?  


It's a relief to know more about what's going on. I didn't even know splitting was a real thing. Plus, being in a mood can really be a scary place when you get out and hardly remember why you were acting moody hours later.   


I'm also very disappointed I am at this place in life. I feel it is my own fault I have developed BPD with stupid decisions I made when I was younger. Being lazy and trying to take short cuts in life has punished me more than I realized possible. 

  
I go between being thankful and feeling very depressed. Like, it really stinks to think that I'm broken. It really stinks that I'm going to have to spend so much time, money, and energy to get this all figured out. On the bright side, at least I know what's going on now. At least I can see why people like my landlord are terrifying distant from me and why I have struggled so much to have a friendship or a healthy relationship longer than 3-5 months. It's just heavy, heavy thoughts to carry and I find them preventing me from doing what I really need to do. I just want to be better, normal.

&amp;#x200B;

I don't really know I have a motive with this post. I just can't get all this stuff off my mind and think perhaps sharing my thoughts openly would help. 

&amp;#x200B;

While this mostly negative talk in here, I should end on some positives. It's nice to know what's wrong so I can work to fix it. I didn't even realize splitting was a thing, let alone something I could work to avoid/solve/not let it happen as much (i suppose, I don't really know) Or same thing with my mild outbursts, my complete lack of understanding in social situations, my emotional ignorance... it's all explained and we are not alone, which is a relieving thought. Anyways friends, I hope you're doing well today &amp; hanging in there. Many cheers!