tldr; when i was younger i used my unhappiness as leverage to manipulate others. this may sound awful and strange but if you have bpd you might know what I mean. now that I am living at home I don't want my mother to see me doing well.I did a lot of work to just a healthier version of myself and stop using my own failure to spite my family--I got on medication, exercised, went to a DBT group for 6 months etc. I was going to uni and doing exceptionally well but when covid hit I was kicked out of my dorm and had to come back home.

Home is already triggering for me and slowly but surely my old patterns came back. Here's my issue: I WANT to do better by exercising, eating well, being connected and what not but for some reason I do NOT want my mom to see this.

I feel like she is constantly watching me and calculating my behavior. I can sometimes be paranoid but I do know that when she most actively cares for me is when I am at my worst. I do NOT want that kind of attention right now, but I'm having such a hard time just taking care of myself while she is around. I think I might be so mad about things that happened in the past and some of the ways she is simply unable to there for me and doing better might allow her to believe she never hurt me or that I'm okay now. I'm not even totally sure what my mind is doing. Moving is not possible, at least for 6 months.

Anyone experienced this?? Please help, I feel like I cant control myself