So, I’m finishing up my first year of college. (18F) I’ve been diagnosed with ARFID, general anxiety disorder, and some mood disorder I don’t even really recount— it was on my hospital notes once for in patient. I went to in patient last year because I just stopped eating for a bit; was losing weight and my parents decided it was for the best. I got better, but now I’m back there again. I had a conversation with my boyfriend the other day and he looked so scared, my parents have been getting more and more worried for my weight. But life feels so blank and gray and just empty.

My current grades are fine, I’m not doing horrible, but it isn’t good enough for my usual standards and for that I feel awful. My major in itself isn’t something that I personally want to do but something that’ll get me money, Computer Science. All my friends are off doing their own goals and desires and beliefs and I’m stuck, living at home where I’ve been doing remote classes for the past two years. I know I have to eat, but why eat? Why do people eat? What about it is so great? None of the food I’m eating seems pleasurable, and it all just feels so meaningless. I’ve stopped showering consistently, stopped doing laundry, my room is a mess— and I feel disgusting for it. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m not in therapy right now and I stopped taking Prozac a long time ago because my mom said she didn’t want me relying on a drug. I just feel so sleep constantly. The other day I had avoided eating so long that I just started shaking, I had to call my boyfriend and he had to comfort me while I waited for food to be ordered because that was when I realized for once I genuinely felt hungry out of my mind.

School, eating, self care, it all feels so null. What first steps can I take, if any at all? I don’t want to worry them anymore to see them cry and stress like this. How can I start wanting to eat again? How did some of you guys do it? Or is it because of my current outlook of living?