I’m so fucking tired of everything. College is so hard and there is a lot of pressure with two midterms every single week, mental health is not getting better at all to the point of me stopping my Zoloft without my psychiatrist telling me. Family is not doing well, friendships are falling, I don’t even have time to shower or do basic daily stuff. Im really doing bad compared to my other colleagues, and I know I shouldn’t compare myself but it’s the truth. Im not improving in any aspect of my life and I’m getting to the point where nothing matters anymore. Nothing excites me or makes me even slightly happy. I can’t keep lying to people and pretend I’m happy and I’m so interested in what they have to say when I’m not. I don’t have energy for anything. I’ve been really thinking of ending things. I’ve been searching for pills. I think if I off myself I would feel peace. I can’t imagine going on in this life for god knows how long. I can’t even describe how I feel with words but there is so much inside of me that I don’t even know what to say. Im trying so hard to improve and be better but nobody else is seeing and I don’t think I’m seeing it. There is no time for me to heal and take a step back just to breath. It’s not even about college, it’s about everything in my life. My parents just tried talking to me because they felt that my mood has changed and told me that I need to work hard on my self and my career because they’re not gonna be around forever, and even when they die they won’t leave me and my siblings money cause they don’t have that. My dad went on about how me and my siblings make them feel like they failed as parents. They don’t understand. No one does. I can’t work hard because of stupid fucking mental illness. I have no energy for anything. I’m in a constant state of anxitey and emptiness from the moment I wake up till the moment I go to sleep, and I can’t even sleep well. I’m dreading waking up. My mom even asked me “are you on your period?” Indicating that it’s just hormones and I’ll get better but I’m not even on my period and I don’t go into a depressive episode when I’m on it. I don’t know what to do and I feel like a prisoner in my own life. I really want to end it and I think I will. But the funny thing is…I’m scared.