I'm a 27yo man who is honestly tired of being depressed. I've had a long history with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. 

I'm not gonna bore you with childhood trauma because I had a "normal" upbringing who most people would even find interesting. I work in hospitality and even though I used to really enjoy it, now I see it as a means to an end (that end being becoming an expert and branch out to own my restaurant). I've worked front of house since I was 16, graduated in psychology and learnt several other trades like personal training but somehow, even if I have amazing rapport with clients or acquaintances I still feel disconnected. The only joy I've experienced lately is working the grill/kitchen because I only have to communicate with one other person about something so basic that we can understand each other. 

My life should be great. I play sports, I quit drugs, I'm doing CBT, I'm gonna be a dad and I've been working my ass off to be able to provide for my family. However, it feels like I can never fully trust to understand/accept my emotions without doing anything or needing anything in return. I've been writing a diary, keeping myself in the gym, cut out my negative friends but now I'm left without anyone to vent to except myself. Admittedly it does ease the anxiety but it just reinforces how lonely I really am. 

It feels like I'm constantly drowning in people's expectations and I can never win. The people that I care about don't think I'm doing enough and the people that I don't care about praise my attentiveness and hard work. Honestly, this disconnect is part of the reason I don't want to exist at all. I used to feel relieved when I went to sleep because I knew I'd get some real disconnected from this world but now my nights are filled with recurring nightmares about mundane this like being at work and being mute. I dunno what to do about it anymore.