I didn’t self harm today. Also because one of you felt concerned enough to report my post. I felt bad for feeling bad. I tried my hardest to put those negative thoughts at bay but they keep coming. I still can’t find my kit and though I’m still very panicked over that I don’t have the physical funds right now to turn to my other bad habits like alcohol. I have no weed either. I’m essentially sober and wanting to overdose but none of my medications suggest a sure plan. So in a way that’s a good thing???

I’m just trying to open up because I don’t have support to do that. I’ll run out of my medication in 2 months, still suffering from hallucinations and episodes of crying and/or  screaming. My love life is non existent and I wouldn’t want to date myself so I don’t expect anyone to find interest. And after being with someone for 7 years and living together I wouldn’t know how to begin to date. TMI I don’t even masturbate tbh. I can’t feel much so I drink to feel something, to laugh and to try and feign a smile. I feel miserable. I don’t know many people in this new state, and the people I knew best feel like strangers now. The acquaintances turned what I thought were friends? Gone or very disappointing. Turns out they weren’t my friends they just wanted to have sex with me. Yet again that thought that my whole worth lies between my legs make me sick. I just want someone to trust, to lean on and to have a genuine connection with. 

I feel confused, sad and alone right now. All I can do is cry. And speak of the devil as I’m writing this my ex comes back home with his girlfriend. To put it bluntly she makes me physically ill. Her energy makes me sick these days. Now I just feel sick AND sad. I was going to end this on a positive note and now I want to smash my head into a wall and jump off of a bridge somewhere. 

Don’t report this. I’m too weak right now to hurt myself and there is no plan.