my boyfriend bless him. I’ve been with him for over a year and I adore the shit out of him as everyone else with bpd can relate to the “favourite person” thing he knows me better than Ino myself but when I get into bad cycles I ruin him. I ruin us. I ruin me. I ruin what we’ve got and Ino after the way I’ve mistreated him it’s going to take years to gain that back. The thing is without trying to make it sound like excuses because Ino it isn’t. I’m so impulsive and I hear voices I’ve also got adhd. I’m the past I’ve just gone off randomly told him nothing fucked off for days and got off my face on drugs and come back regretting everything. I do it without thinking I don’t care about how my actions affect me in the moment and then after I get so much negativity from my voices they really get to me and then I end up in the cycle. When they get to much I go back into that fuck this mode and don’t care how my actions will affect people. I’m absolutely terrified of it happening again because Ino I’m just going to disappoint someone allover again just as I started to get somewhere . I feel like such a burden to people everyday I take things so literally and I overthink it and overthink it then I get paranoid then my voices get back and I’m so tired of this mental health shut I just want to live a normal life no impluses no voices . It’s destroying me watching me destroy people and not only that I’ve got two voices in my head that bully me for it so bad that I become so suicidal but then I get paranoid about surviving and failing again life’s so scary it’s so shit I don’t want to fuck things up again