I find it difficult to strike a balance between asking for help and taking time to come up with solutions to problems myself.

Sometimes the solutions to problems in my daily life just don’t come to mind and I struggle to even think of how I could go about solving this problem. 

Sometimes it’s a case of not thinking of how may I go about solving this problem myself as I sort of freeze, I’m not so sure it’s so much about being spoon fed (though that is a danger of receiving care) but more so to do with that I’ve lost confidence in my own judgement and I’m not so sure I trust my decision making. 

Trying to think of how to solve problems can at times be difficult for me to cognitively grasp and I become stressed. Something that use to not be a big deal for me years ago now causes me a mental block, agitation, frustration, anger and stress. I think this is related to my PTSD and depression. The depression makes is difficult to think whilst the PTSD gives certain things the tone of danger and then the alarm in my head kicks off and I either dissociate which makes thinking incredibly difficult (sometimes near impossible if my front brain has been ‘knocked offline’) or I go into a sympathetic fight/flight response which  causes me and sometimes others more stress and occasionally greater problems due to my manners and behaviour (not often as I don’t often ever ‘lose it’). Often after such occasions I’m buzzed (adrenalised) and then I crash. So my energy levels fluctuate a lot and I get exhausted which makes my depression worse and I’m less tolerant to stress. 

I try do things myself however as you can see it’s exhausting at times, I don’t know how to balance asking for help. On the outside all people see is a 30 year old man not carrying his weight by asking others to do things that he ‘ought’ to be able to do himself. However internally I’m trying and I’m trying hard despite appearances, it isn’t easy living with these conditions. 

I guess I’m wondering how the heck do I continue to live this way and grow. I’m fed up of watching life from the outside, I want to be a part of society and work etc. Being dead weight isn’t fun.