I have no idea who I am anymore. It seems like I'm a whole new person, not in a good- or in a bad way, just someone I never knew and now I have to life with this piece of shit and somehow not kill myself. I'm anhedonic, even more than before, I still laugh and have a good time and all that stuff but it is just automatic reactions to things that happen in my surrounding; on work, with friends and all that. My body makes it seem like I'm happy and have fun but I know that this is not what I feel in these moments. I know this is all fake. I would stop it immediately if I could. But the worst thing is that I'm not even pretending. I have no control over it whatsoever. I'm shattering inside; a cataclysmic war is going on in the deepest regions of my head and all I fucking see is how I laugh about some stupid shit someone said.

After work, when I'm alone at home, the void keeps growing and growing, consuming me with everything I have. It's worse than it has ever been before.

I'm sorry mom. I think I can't hold it any longer. I don't think I can live much longer with these emotions and at the same time, with this absolute absence of any kind of emotion.
And even though I've always tried and still do, I'm deeply sorry.