As the title says. I'm with one of the kindest, nicest, most caring human I have ever been with and I find a way every time to ruin it. I bring to her attention things that genuinely rub me the wrong way, but in the incorrect manner. I get explosive. I bottle it up and it comes out at the wrong time. She gets upset with me, and I try to apologize, rinse and repeat.

The 95% of the time we are happy with each other is the best I have ever felt in my entire life, and at this rate I will not have that any longer, I keep pushing away. I feel trapped, she says she can't deal with hearing me when I'm depressed so I just try and hide it, and it makes things worse. I just want to be better for her, and not hurt her once a week, or at worse once a day.

I feel like there is no help for me in sight, I've been dealing with this bullshit for 10 years now and nothing has improved personally. I have done better financially, but what the fuck does that mean if I'm just going to be alone the rest of my life because whoever created me thought it would be a funny prank to cross the wires in my head.