I'm 17, a massive roller coaster Enthusiast and just began my final year of high school. When my mental health isnt completely debilitating I get around 90% on all my school assessment. I have a loving family and plans to move to Europe for university and to use my new living conditions to ride some bucket list roller coasters. For 4 years now I have been in and out of intense depressive episodes. 5 weeks ago I reached the lowest point I've ever been. My family knows about my depression and try to help but I can't fund any benefit from anything. I have completely given up on school and my future at this point. I always hated school and had trouble putting effort in but I just can't bring myself to do even the tiniest but of study right now. I also can't see myself ever having a future any more. I have dreams of a future but none of those dreams ever seem like something that could come true. The only things that can give me any kind of relief are theme parks and my dog but that isn't enough to anchor me. I have cut off all of my friends and not communicated with them for the past 5 weeks and to them I just disappeared. For my entire life I've always been extremely angry at all times, I would bully and abuse kids as a toddler, I lie and manipulate people all the time to get what I want and I have no regard for how other people feel but when I get a depressive episode it's like all of that built up emotion that I never felt crashes on me. Over time I learnt how to be nice and respectful but I only ever act for my own benefit and during these severe depressive episodes I feel as though I have let my family and myself down but always lying to them and to others. I have no integrity and I am an awful person to be around. I have been agonisingly lonely for years now and I feel as though I don't deserve connection with anyone and I will always be lonely. I don't know where I'm going with this or if it even makes sense but I just need to get everything out of my head for a moment. I gave given up on school my future and my own health. I repeatedly punch my floor with my hand I broke from punching the floor to self harm because I'm too scared to cut because I don't want to hurt my family by having them see that. At least a broken hand has a ton of excuses that I can easily cover up as an accident. I have been very close to suicide multiple times before but i have never have I felt so accepting of death as I do now. I'm terrified of death and always have been but I have reached a point where I'm more scared to live to see the reality of my future. As little as I care about other people and as selfish as I am, I don't want to ruin my families lives by killing myself but I know that if I get any lower than I am right now that won't be enough to stop me. I've given up on everything but my family right now but I'm scared I can't hold on for much longer.