i’m irresponsible and empty.

i can’t even articulate the thoughts that have been playing tug of war with my brain all day. a numbing, constant mental occurrence as if erasing away bits and pieces from a whiteboard mapping everything out, just to leave me confused and incapable of understanding myself.

dread, anxiety, self-loathing, anger, sadness colors my cheeks as they pour out of my eyes. and the pit in my chest can’t be satiated. 

it sucks to be so self-aware and without the means of helping yourself. you get stuck with pointing out all your own issues, only to be anchored with disappointment. no motivation, no desire to try anymore, no money, no real support, only the will to stay alive enough for other people… but even then that’s not enough to keep those people happy enough. why? because all you do is hurt yourself because thats the only thing you know how to do.

it is my fault for not changing things when i could. for not being stronger. for living my friends and not myself. for confusing the toxic dynamic of my family for love. i am not the person i wish i could, nor the one my family and friends want to be, or even the people at work or uni want me to be. 

and instead of being proactive, here i am wasting away. revealing this to strangers who more or less bear some semblance to me. i hope you all the best. x