this shit is fucking destroying me. i say this because i’m watching myself hurt her with my words. i’m self sabotaging and pushing her away. it’s like a football game going on inside my head. one logical part of me being completely aware yet seemingly overpowered by the emotional aspects, the resentment, the jealousy. she has a boyfriend now and i don’t like him, for why? i have no valid reasoning other than i have bpd n my best friend doesn’t secretly want to be with me or fuck me, how disappointing. overall i hate myself but it will get better. she’s out on a walk right now, we both started going at it n crying bc it just so happens to be i am such a asshole at the uttermost wrong times. when i really need to be an asshole it doesn’t work but when i’m trying to communicate towards my fp it does. i love her but do i actually love her if i feel the way i do abt her situation? she has someone that makes her happy n feel good, i mean this guy can actually make her cum, but i HATE it. i haven’t smoked weed in a while