i’m not diagnosed, but am being assessed for bpd in therapy right now. i also have adhd, so emotional dysregulation could be causing my symptoms. however, i think i’m experiencing splitting and extreme fear of abandonment. every time i start talking to a guy, i think they’re the one. even if it’s only been a few days. i’ll think they’re the best guy i’ve ever met every single time. then, they’ll do something benign such as taking a longer time to respond. i absolutely start hating them when they do something i perceive as disrespectful or rejection. and it’s always something dumb like text response times or if they don’t have as much enthusiasm in their texts like usual. i always say things like “die die die fuck you!!” in my head, but i never express my disappointment and anger to them. instead i think “of course they’d leave me. i suck” and hate on myself. then inevitably, when they respond or begin acting normally again, i’ll think they’re the best guy ever. 

i always think a guy is gonna leave me, no matter the signs. i went on a date yesterday and it went really well. there’s no signs that this guy is disinterested. yet, i’m just holding my breath for when he leaves me or rejects me. i already started hating him today for taking longer to respond than usual. he just texted back, and i think he’s an amazing guy again. ugh.