TL;DR: I lost my Dad and my BFF. I just want to die so I can be with them. Nothing is ever going to be great, or even manageable again. 

Despite having BPD tendencies as of age 13, and being diagnosed officially at 18, I managed to have a lot of friends when I was younger. 
When I was 22 my father passed away from an accidental OD of methadone. It was an absolute shock as no one in our family knew that he was even taking it.  He was an amazing father. He was in the Army for the entirety of my life (joined cuz he knocked up my moms), and he very rarely drank.. He aparently had been going to treatments for pain management and didn't want to take Norco (cuz he didn't like the high) so his brilliant Dr. gave him 500 methadone pills and when they didn't kick in fast enough, he popped several more thinking they were weaker drugs. It goes w out saying that the poor judgment call took his life. 

After that I shut down. Stayed in bed for 6 months straight. I lost a lot of people in my life cuz other folks my age felt I should've gotten over it or moved on.  Obviously I just pushed them away.  

The only thing that ever helped was forcing myself to never talk about it or think about it and definitely never try to deal with it because nothing ever came of me trying to heal and deal.

A few years later I started getting more into a party scene and doing some recreational drugs. I eventually started realizing that I didn't actually like being in an altered state of mind because mine was already pretty messed up to begin with.  I have mild hallucinations or psychosis to begin with and drugs were definitely not helping. I did make a lot of friends partying though and had met my BFF though parties. 

My BFF was an angle. He made friends everywhere he went and was always so happy and amazed by everything in life. I would always joke and say "it's his first time here" because of reincarnation is real, This was definitely his first and last life here on Earth. He had made a brave choice to move from home to go to flight school. He said it was his dream,  so naturally, his 1 million loved ones supported this. 
Ironically while he was there, alone in his room, he OD on heroin. I knew he had tried it like once or twice, and just must've  tried to much. 

Obviously devastated, I literally ran away to Hawaii to be as far away from everyone I knew and that knew him. I grew up there in the back of my mind I had always seen it as this type of "Escape Plan" i just completely isolated as I knew that no matter what I did, I would never be able to cope with something like that. It's been 9 years since my father passed away and I still have no idea how to deal with that.

I just want to be with them. Everything is so much worse without them. Even the good things in my life just are never as fulfilling because they're never going to be here to see it. I don't want to die necessarily, I just feel like the few remaining people in my life are sick of dealing with me because I can't get over this. This year I only had two people wish me happy birthday,  not even my own family members remembered .  And I just don't think that they would care if I wasn't here. Even if they did care, I've seen them when they've lost someone and their grief just doesn't seem like it hurts as much as it did me.
I know that my pop's and BFF wouldn't want me to live my life like this but it's just so fucking hard not to feel completely helpless and lost. 

 