it starts like this:

i hate myself so much i refuse to take my meds so that i can purposefully make myself feel worse as a punishment

i end up feeling so bad without my meds that i get angry at myself for punishing myself

this anger makes me hate myself even more so i punish myself even more by refusing to take my meds to maximize the misery i think i deserve

this only fuels the anger so on and so forth

and because this is all self caused i refuse to reach out to anyone cause i did this to myself 

i dont know what to do,,, i dont feel like i deserve anything , my self hatred is so strong and intense partly due to my lack of meds .... feeling so horrible about life