On the outside I look very calm and collected, but on the inside I want to scream at the top of my lungs.

He says I'm a horrible person and the worst girlfriend he's ever had (I'm not, I have my BPD days but I treat him amazing otherwise, and he's said it himself a few months before). I feel like he just said this all out of anger but parts of me are wondering if he actually feels this way about me now. I'm wondering if I'm actually a horrible person.

He dropped off all my stuff in bags, said some horrible stuff to me while we talked in a car, screamed at the top of his lungs, I slapped him (I don't agree with abuse, I've never done it before and it was out of line) it was a nightmare.

I don't even want to be here anymore. I'm contemplating going to the hospital. I wish I drove that way I could just crash the car into a pole, or that I was 21 now so that I could just get wasted by myself in my room to help me forget the fact that I'm a total mess that's unlovable.