Been having a lot of dreams of her lately this past week/two weeks and it’s getting to me. I didn’t really think much of our breakup at first which was in early march. But now it’s getting to me as it gets closer to my bday soon &amp; all these feelings of loneliness and thinking of all the good times come rushing to me. I’m crying and i can’t help but to miss her. We ended on somewhat good terms but we promised to keep some distance or from texting each other for a couple months or atleast till the end of the year so I haven’t said anything. Only texts are about some of her mail still arriving here but other than that nothing. I miss her &amp; I wish I could have her in my life again. We lived together for 3 years and our place still reminds me of her. We would always cook together &amp; everyday I see the kitchen it’s like I see a ghost of her still here. I have so many photos of her through our relationship as I do photography as a full time job so I have 1000’s of photos &amp; I can’t bring myself to delete them. I fucked up and I didn’t have my priorities straight but now that it’s too late I just feel empty. I even went as far as buying stuff to make me feel happy or excited etc. I bought 2 motorcycles.
First a Harley but then I wanted to go fast so I bought a sportbike. When im on the bike I forget everything but only when I go faster &amp; faster is when I start to feel bliss. When I come home now at night I see everything in our apartment and it reminds me of us. I removed most things that were hers and she took most of her stuff but still. She’s crushed me more than I can ever explain. A small part of me knows going fast on the bike will kill me &amp; I push those boundaries every other day &amp; accept that doing these things will have that consequence but I’m okay with the pain it’ll only be momentarily. I figure every time I start my bike it could be my last so I ride it like I got nothing to lose, cause when I lost her I lost everything important to me.