Last year, I was fine until my teacher told me to read a paragraph from the notes. No big deal. I had done many presentations in person and even to the whole school present. Yet, all of a sudden I had a panic attack and I couldn’t breathe properly and I had to stop reading halfway. The teacher was confused and I was utterly shocked because this was the first time something like that happened to me. My friends texted me asking if I was alright and I started bawling my eyes out. Luckily, my camera was not showing my face fully and I had to pretend that I was alright and that it never happened. I skipped the next zoom class and laid on my bed feeling horrified, ashamed and humiliated. I cried for hours after that. It felt like the image that I showed of me as carefree and not caring of what others though of me had been broken. Ever since quarantine started I fed on negative thoughts which turned into fear of failure then overthinking and ultimately resulted to anxiety. I hated that everyone saw my weak side. I just want to hide. I want the teacher to stop calling me out to speak.

Today, the same thing happened. Though I told myself at least this time I had to finish what I was suppose to read. And having experience it before, this experience was less shameful but that is because my image had already been broken. Even the “shy” kids were able to read with confidence. I just can’t help feeling like I will repeat this on and on for the last year of my high school life. I tried convincing myself the next time I would read with confidence and yet here I am, same thing happening. I don’t know if I could revert back. It seems everything I do now will result in the same way like the fear and anxiety has been ingrained into my head. 

The two incident happened a month and a half apart, as i had a holiday. Though, both incidents toke place in the last week of school before the holidays and the first week of school after the holidays. During the holidays, all I’ve been thinking was how not to repeat my mistake. I know I overthink and it’s just zoom class but I can’t control it. I need help.