I don't know how much of this is my anxiety, how much of it is my OCD. Both play into each other and both are diagnosed.

My biggest fear is death. At the end of the day that's it, and uh...sucks, because can't really avoid that one forever, right? But the direct connection is that I'm deathly afraid of cancer and I can't go more than a few weeks without being terrified that I'm dying of something.

I'm on meds. They're clearly not working well. Things get worse if I try to mess with them. Right now, I can barely feel anything at all that isn't just anxiety. I can't escape it and every time I knock one fear down another one comes back up.

It's not fair that I have to live like this. It's not fair that I can't catch a break from my own mind. It's a hard thing to understand from an outside perspective - maybe that's why I've gone here. Ignoring it just turns me apathetic.

I don't know why I'm posting this. Maybe I'll just take it down or won't post it at all. But if you ARE seeing this...I don't really know what I want from this. Advice? Reassurance? Just someone who understands?

I don't know. I don't know.