Hi so a little back story. I'm almost 20 and my boyfriend is 24, we've been together for 2 years. I love my boyfriend very much, at least I think I do. My depression/anxiety/BPD has me questioning it constantly among a million other things. He's my best friend in the whole world, I get butterflies looking into his pale blue eyes, we have the most passionate sex after 2 years, each week it seems we both become more understanding and communicate better and solve problems together, I feel safe in his arms and can't really picture my life without him.. we both want the same future etc. Our relationship has many ups and downs especially recently because I have fallen into addiction again and my depression has been worse than ever.. which sometimes I mistake my lack of emotion or only anger/sadness as lack of love. Anyways, there's been a lot of fighting and me being spiteful on purpose and selfish because of my addiction/depression/BPD symptoms are all very high right now. I've also gained a lot of weight, which always makes me so insecure and want to cuddle in my blankets and never leave the house. I always go through this cycle where I start to get depressed then slowly things get worse and it turns into a sort of downhil spiral and then I use again and go to rehab back in California with my dad. This always works but it never stays because my dad enables me to do what I want and encourages me to do whatever makes me feel as safe/comfortable as possible so I end up isolating and back at the same routine until it happens again. I think this is part of my borderline symptoms at work also. But now I have my boyfriend who is the most supportive, loving man I know and has gotten me through so much and pushes me to be a better person. He wants to get me through this on his own, but I can see already how stressed i've already made him and also I know the help I can get in Cali is far more than this little town I am in. Also I want to change, I want to get fit ( I have a personal trainer in Cali) I want to start the path to self love, independence and work on my BPD, anxiety, depression and learn coping skills all over again. The addiction is the easy part in my opinion. I want to become a person again, not only for the relationship but for me. It took a lot of understaning and convincing but my boyfriend admitted he feels me going back to Cali for this is best. He will support me 100% and be here waiting for me when I get back to have a set routine and game plan so we can break this cycle together. The only problem is we both have bad seperation anxiety, me more so. And what about my obsessive thoughts that he always has to reassure me about. I'm scared my feelings might change, or we will become disconnected, or he might realize how better it is without me.. He has reassured me this is all irrational thinking and a part of me knows it is, but I can't help but worry and also be scared to start this journey without him. If I go I will be living with my dad and going to an outpatient mental health/therapy/addiction treatment and seeing a personal trainer (both have worked wonders for me before) So should I go? If so, how do I deal with the seperation anxiety/keep the connection with my boyfriend. He will be visiting once. Any advice would be much appreciated on anything I have posted. 