^(I'm already in therapy. That's also the main reason I realized this.) 

I'm starting to see the pattern and I hate it.

When I start feeling down I really understand what is happening and that I'm going downhill. It is a matter of 1 week and I'll find myself drinking whiskey at 3AM every night.

Then 1 month or so passes by, I start to feel better, I start to clean myself and my habits, I am productive for that time, and I feel decently good, not great, just normally good. That means I smile once a week. 

**Then the process repeats.**

I am now on the beginning of the good streak and I hate myself, I fucking hate this. I know I will do well for 30 days and then I will somehow feel shit again. I don't know when exactly but I know it will happen.

Before therapy I was in this cycle without knowing, now I understand what the hell I am doing since 5 years and I don't know how to solve this.

&amp;#x200B;

I don't like this about me. It seems like a broken clock that says the right time half the times.