Hi all

I was diagnosed in August 2018 after a few years of truly dreadful experiences, impulsive decisions and an attempt to completely destroy myself.

In December last year, I decided to stop drinking and taking drugs and I began therapy. I'm in the UK so relying on public health services - I am 6 weeks into a 12 week mindfulness course. Not sure how much its really helping.

My problem is, after reading A LOT of material online about my disorder, I had tried very much to resolve myself to never having another romantic relationship. I can see much more clearly now how I cannot behave well enough to enjoy something like that without hurting people. I understood that its a moral obligation I have to keep myself away from others.

However, I began talking to somebody new a few months ago. Leading up to meeting in person, there was no flirting or even a hint that he wanted to be more than friends. I didn't even know if our first date was a date - I genuinely thought we were just 'hanging out'. I really did try to tell him. I disclosed my diagnosis before we even met in person - I told him I was dangerous and deranged - but he still wants me around. I find him very attractive and we have a lot of common interests. I feel bad that I've kissed him and slept with him. I am so scared. I've told him I'm very scared. I've told him that he should keep away. He doesn't want to keep away. He says he really likes me and we have been seeing each other for almost a month. I really, really like him - I think. At least as much as one of us can be sure, which I'll admit might not be real at all, but its the best I know.

Should I end it? I have been sitting at work all morning reading things on Quora that say NEVER to enter into a relationship with a BPD woman and feeling evil, manipulative and guilty. It says that I'm not actually showing him who I am, but just mirroring his good qualities. I don't think I know who I am either - maybe I'm just performing the person I think he wants, which is terrible. How am I supposed to tell??

There is part of me that really wants to be normal and hopes I can make a man happy, but the other half has serious doubts that it is possible with this illness. I really, really, really don't want to hurt anybody. What should I do?