So since around September of last year I  (22M) have been depressed and have been having anxiety attacks a lot. I  am in pta school and I  managed to do well last semester despite these issues but thats because it was the only thing I  could focus on. I  pushed everyone away which led to the love of my life leaving me ten days before I planned on proposing. Shortly after I  lost a loved one and now I  feel dead inside 3 months later. Nothing in life gives me joy anymore. I  lost 25 lbs in the first 11 days after the breakup because I   didnt eat. Now I  eat but I  have to force myself. I  cant stay consistent in the gym, and I  cant study for more than five minutes straight without getting in my head and staring at my screen or textbook for an hour. My friends can tell but I  dont really care. I  dont talk about it with them, or my family. I  started therapy but had to end it early because it was too expensive. I  am so broken. I  hate being awake, but I   also hate sleeping because every time I  sleep I   see my ex. Sometimes they're nightmares of her with another guy, sometimes they're good dreams and were back together. The good dreams are worse, because I  always wake up. I  just want to have the good dreams forever and not wake up. Nobody makes me smile anymore. I  haven't genuinely smiled since then. Every second of every day I  think of this girl, and it torments me. I  have tried to reconcile and she treats me so cold, its like she's a different person and doesnt care about me anymore. I  hate my life. I  hate being alive.

I  just want to be happy again

I   feel worthless and disposable 

I  failed my test last week and i  have never failed a test in that program before 

so I  feel like a failure 

I   want to quit my job i  used to love so much.

I   quit my second job near my school and ended my lease because when I  was alone I  came close to self harming and killing myself multiple times.

I   remember crying tears of joy when I  got in this program, and being so happy to work so hard.

now I  cant even force myself to care and study.

If i  fail out i   may kill myself.