I’m 21 years old, I’m almost a nurse, I have friends and a family, I’m conventionally attractive. I recognize that I’m privileged in many ways although my life isn’t perfect, nobody’s life is. My whole childhood I was very depressed and attempted suicide a few times. Things got better for me in terms of like I found myself more, I made friends, I worked toward achieving what I thought would make me happy. I just still find myself not wanting to be alive. I’m not actively suicidal and I don’t think I would kill myself, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to prevent death if something were to happen if that makes sense. I was excited for my future for a while, now all I feel is dread at the thought. Not particularly about my career just in general I don’t feel the desire to continue anymore. I thought I would be able to help people but I can’t even help myself. 

I feel so alone even though there are a couple people I could try to talk to. I’m too scared to talk to them because in the past those I shared my mental health problems with ended up resenting me. I don’t know how to get better after spending my whole life going through periods of small ups but mainly downs. The world seems pointless. Most people seem to not want to actually get to know me, I find they just see me as a toy and then they get bored. I feel so so alone. I feel like I’m worthless and unloveable I’m sure partially  because of the relationships that I’ve been in the past that absolutely destroyed my sense of self.