Hello Reddit. Hey to everyone else who has depression, I hope you guys are doing alright. Me, I'm doing awful. I don't want to be here anymore at all. I would possibly end my life if it wouldn't make my parents so upset, because they love me, for whatever reason, they do. I hate myself. I deserve to die, I deserve to burn in hell for the rest of eternity, if theoretically I'm not already, because that's what this life feels like to me. 

I want to be happy. I've tried so hard, and I don't believe in happiness. I feel like life is too stressful and depressing to every have a serene moment ever again, maybe for a few minutes when you have a dopamine rush, just a small reward. Those are the only feelings of safety I will ever feel. 

A few weeks ago I quit taking my SSRIs, I don't want to rely on medicine. I'm only 20 and I've been addicted to opiates, marijuana, alcohol, nicotine. They plague my existence. I feel as if they seriously gave me schizophrenia, or brain damage, because my mind has been severely altered, but they I wonder if that's just growing up and don't want to be a little cry baby, because there's a possibility everyone else in this world feels the same. I have really bad eye floaters, I can see them right now, It's like I have bugs always following me around, It's miserable. Went to many eye specialists, no fix. How can I be productive like this? How can I just live life and make my parents proud with this? And then on top of that I struggle with substance abuse mostly because of my issues, I struggle with chronic depression, anger, I feel psychotic, but nobody around me notices, I can hold it all in.

I was thinking of suicide before I made this post. I want to end it all, but I'm scared of nothingness, or even worse hell. And, I couldn't do that to my parents. They're such good people and I don't want to hurt them any more than I have. I was just a kid but I've said such hurtful things to them in the past :(

I want to live, I want to find a beautiful girl and make her happy for the rest of time, but I even struggle with that. I'm extremely over protective, maybe I'm just insecure, I mean I hate everything about myself, I usually just don't talk to people because I hate my personality, It's better if I just keep my mouth closed because I'll end up hurting someone's feelings on accident and then they'll come at me with bad blood.

I don't know what to do anymore. I have 3 alcohol related cases, I've been to jail 3 times and I'm only 20. I'm ruining my life, but I'm not trying to. I just want to do good, but my mind won't let me, they're not conscious decisions. I'm a bad person, but I'm trying, I'm trying my best but that always backfires on me and leaves me in a state of unescapable depression which leads to me getting blackout drunk, saying hurtful things to the only people who have ever cared about me, or going to jail.

I'll never be anything in life, but all I want is to make my family proud, have enough money to live the lifestyle that I want, and then eventually have a wife and a family, but damn man if I make it there without dying or going to jail I'll be shocked. :(

I'm just another human struggling, but it feels like my struggle has a magnitude of 10 million times the worst hell you could possibly imagine, and It's self inflicted. I'm not demeaning anyone, but I wish I could find someone who openly struggles like me, I would do everything in my power for us to figure out a way out, but it seems like nobody else does, or they just hide it and make an oath to themselves to never show it. I'm sure I'll end up deleting this out of embarassment, or to just try to forget about it and lie to myself, but for now, I hope somebody sees that I'm not a horrible human being because I promise I try, maybe just not hard enough, who knows we're all human, just humans..