So far, there was a fighting spirit in me that helped me move along with hardships of life. That desire to someday throw big fat middle finger to all factors that made my life miserable was the only thing that got me moving forward until now. 

Now, that fighting spirit is gone. I am feeling that despite all my efforts, my hardships, mostly triggered from my past trauma, are coming back to me like psychological herpes outbreaks. 

The pain due to my current mental struggles and my acknowledgment of  powerlessness to fight it off for good is now eating myself away inside and out. Now i just feel like there is nothing i can do to overcome my depression, with no one to fully support me (think my family is sick and tired of me too), so i wonder if i should drop the ball.

While i admit I am too much of a pussy to actually end myself, but seeing how therapy and help no longer works. Taking meds is what i am considering next, but this puts my career in jeopardy, once documented, per nature of my work. 

I am sick of having lived in this constant pain cycle for good 30plusyears now. But  at the same tome, given i just wasted 30plus years trying to cope with them like a man, i do not know what to do anymore either.