I don’t quite know how to explain this properly but recently I’ve been more aware of this feeling that I’ve messed up in basically all aspects of my life and if it’s not messed up already, it’s in the process of going to shit. 

I initially became aware of this feeling during my first year at uni. Despite having a roommate (whom I absolutely adore and is now one of my best friends), it was my first time experiencing extreme loneliness like that and it only served to worsen my depressive tendencies. The loneliness got me thinking about how there were so many aspects of my life (family, friends, academic, extracurriculars) that I had failed at on some level. 

I don’t think I formed a good, secure attachment to my parents and so I miss them from time to time but while I’m away at uni I don’t really think of them until I’m in a depressive rut and selfishly want them around to comfort me. Other than that, I don’t think I’ve done a lot to be a good daughter. In fact, I know that if my parents knew what I was really like and what kind of life I live, it would destroy them because I am exactly the kind of girl they warned me of when I was younger. 

I also find it difficult to form deep connections with people in general. Most of my friends are quite surface level ones and because I failed to put in the work required to form stronger connections, that’s how they will remain. I just wish there was a step-by-step manual for living because at the moment I’m just existing. I feel guilty all the time, no matter what I’m doing. It’s difficult to concentrate on the task I set out to do because I remember a billion other things that I have failed to do yet. I wonder if these ever present reminders of my failures only distance me more from taking the necessary steps to solve them. I feel like the minimum threshold for me to actually start doing something and make a change for myself has become much much higher recently. I haven’t been able to figure out why yet.

Also very upset because for so long I was like it’s fine I’ll just marry a nice guy and then I’ll find my sense of purpose. But today I realised that my life is so incredibly similar to my mums (knew this already) that I’ll probably end up marrying someone similar to my dad and have a similar marriage dynamic. I actually can’t think of a lot worse than being trapped in a marriage like that. And I realised that if that’s out of the window then what the fuck am I living for. It’s so hard to make myself do things most of the time and it feels pointless. I actually don’t know what to do with myself and i just don’t know how everyone else is doing it. 

What keeps you going? 

What are you living for?