my whole life i’ve had people leave. since i was a kid 
and last year, after my break up with my FP, i went through a whole “ hoe phase” and would get attached to mostly anyone who gave me even the slightest romantic attention.  and ofc they would all end up leaving. i eventually learned to not look for love, but to let it just come naturally. but i still always have that “ people will leave” mindset, but i always knew i’d have my friends. because they told me they would never leave. and it was different than someone i was romantically interested in. because they were the ones who were always there after every little heartbreak and manic episode. so they understood right? and they wouldn’t leave. i felt like if i had my friends, i could get past ANYTHING. the love i had for my friend group was enormous. i considered these people as more than family. just this big love that unexplainable 
and then my mental health got bad. and i ended up losing two close friends because of my impulses for self sabotage. and what hurts the most is that one of them basically invalidated my mental illness. saying i can “ control it “ when i lash out. and that i am “manipulative” and that it was draining to deal with me. basically all my insecurities about my mental illness. coming from one of the ppl i thought would always be there and understood. and now i don’t only have trust issues in romantic relationships but also now friendships. and i honestly think everyone will eventually leave. it just sucks living like this because now i’m finding myself getting annoyed or upset with people easily. because i either want to lash out and make them leave or because i genuinely think they hate me secretly and also think all those things about me. idk it’s just a rant.