I broke up with my bf about a month ago since I wasn’t particularly happy, and he was moving away, I didn’t think I could handle doing long distance, especially with how jealous I get. 

I’ve been jumping between relationships for about 2 years straight, never allowing myself to be alone, putting myself in really dangerous situations because of it. This was the first healthy, happy relationship I had. But I was still depressed, constantly anxious, didn’t want to have sex because of how anxious I am and feeling really guilty because I feel like this is my ‘responsibility’, it’s not like I bring anything else to a relationship except sex. 

I was actually, genuinely at peace for a few weeks after breaking up. We still spoke, and I found I was actually happy with just being friends. It was like I got all the benefits from a relationship: communication, someone to trust and lean on, someone to call ‘my person’ etc, without the stress of having to be intimate and tell them I love them all the time. (I find this hard)

However, he started sending me pictures of new friends/girls he’s hanging out with. Telling me how girls are trying to get with him, he’s up all night talking to girls, constantly posting photos with other girls. I know it’s irrational and stupid to be jealous because I broke up with him but this genuinely caused me to spiral. For about 2 weeks I’ve been in a really dark place, constantly crying, trying to sh and generally being horribly depressed. And I fucked up. I told him this. He told me I was being manipulative for saying he made me want to hurt myself, and I think he’s right. I ended up blocking him on nearly everything, which I was really proud of myself for doing and I think I’m better off like this. However he didn’t even try to reach out, just messaged my friend saying to ‘check up’ on me which hurt even more. We had a big argument and now haven’t spoken for a week. But I’m still in so much pain. I know it was for the best but I don’t know what to do. I really miss him and want to be friends, he was my best friend after all and I don’t have many other people in my life. 

I feel so trapped and alone, wanting to be friends again but knowing I can’t be normal