CW: Mention of self-injury; addiction.

My boyfriend (28) and I (28F) have been together two years as of December. We live together and have a cat.

As soon as the UK lockdown was announced, his family told him to go to theirs, leaving us both here. They told him that they didn't get to see him during the holiday period and that he usually cares about them, and that they would do it if they were him.

I only came up when he mentioned me and he was told to leave me behind bc the sisters can't see their partners, OR come with him, bringing all my work equipment with me (PC, monitors, move the landline, work phone), which they know is impossible on short notice. Also, our cat specifically cannot be housed with other animals and they have 2 dogs and 2 cats (though my partner was told she is "just a cat" and will "get over it". If my cat didn't exist I don't think I could have made it through this year when my parter was out working retail during the pandemic).

He hates arguing so has just told them it "would be nice", which now has me all messed up because it makes me feel like he's saying it would be nice to be with them instead but he's stuck with me. I know that's not what he means, he's just trying to diffuse their insane suggestions, but it has, ultimately, really triggered my BPD. It makes me wonder if I'm manipulating him or keeping him from his family, and the longer he goes without seeing them, the more cagey they are towards me.

Obviously, there's a pandemic, that's why he hasn't visited. I have enough on my plate as it is. My grandma's memory has gone this year so I doubt she will remember the lockdown; my father moved to the highlands and islands to escape the COVID measures, and I didn't even get to spend more than 5 mins with him to say goodbye (he visited our house to borrow an airbed during the moving process); my brother has been deployed and is based overseas in the military for 6 or so months; my friends are all non-neurotypical and I am their support bc I am *usually* high functioning; I haven't seen my own mother since 2019, and didn't even spend Xmas with her because we chose to spend it with his family in 2019/20 before the pandemic hit.

I know he doesn't want to go there - there's not even any room for him - and he feels like shit that they've asked this of him. The way they've worded it makes me feel like they're saying he's choosing me over them. My BPD is flaring up and I just want to have a break down. I feel like I'm stretched so thin and I'm holding myself together with toothpicks. I had a bath and shaved my legs, just to feel the razor against my skin; but I'm 5 yrs clean of self-injury, 2.5 yrs clean of alcohol, and 2 yrs clean of smoking. I won't give in. And I want to like his family bc he is important to me, so I'm trying my hardest not to split on them too.

Sometimes BPD is exhausting.