A mind prison. I feel like I'm against a wall. Mostly stemming from my once desirable relationship. The countless examples I could divulge would take hours. Perhaps a summation of the last 48 hours...

I never ask him to do literally anything. I do all the cleaning and laundry and track the bills etc... And I'm not asking for a Nobel peace prize for that, those things I do because I choose to. But as of late I am noticing a more and more irresponsible and entitled... Man. I have been doing over time at work, seeing as I work in a hospital setting. I only get one day off and I don't want to spend it cleaning up after someone who has loads more free time. I woke up to get ready for work to pizza crust and candy wrappers all over the bed. I hadn't got to folding the laundry. All I asked was on one of his two consecutive days off was for a cleaning so I could relax. Day one, snowboarding with his friends all day sleep all afternoon. Fine. Day one. Day two. Naps after bringing me to work then texts me saying all clean going to hang out with friends. I get home. You could tell he sightly picked up probably just after waking up and moments before walking out the door. Laundry not folded. Old coffee cups from his last two mornings gathering a film at the top. And so on. I get home from work and roll my eyes visibly upset and he's quick to just try and hug and kiss me and say oops I forgot that stuff I'll do it tomorrow. We go to bed. Next morning. Nothing. This day is my only day off so I spent being lazy. He comes home begging to go out to dinner with his friend. I say no we don't have the money and he takes a nap. Wakes up jumps up goes in the bathroom for 20 minutes setting in stone the plans I didn't want to do. Just want to relax watch movies, spend some time. He comes downstairs sitting there giddy on the phone. "So are you coming with me..?!" A slight argument initiated. "You're going to get mad I want to go see my friend?" "I'm not mad you want to go see your friend, I'm mad that I'm exhausted, don't have the money, and want to stay home with you and that's not good enough" "well you don't have to go I'll just go" .... But he has no money. And in all actuality... Needs me to go. Follows up with every excuse in the book "I never see this friend" or "we want to celebrate the new year" and "he's been begging to see me all day I already said yes" I cave. I always cave. I don't know how to say no. Mostly pertaining to major PTSD from a past abusive relationship....Not two minutes into being in the car with the kid he throws him under the bus "you're lucky I'm even here I was sleeping when you called" proving he lied just to get what he wants. But even when I brought that up, he talked his way out of it. At this point I explode. Yelling about how I never say no and he couldn't just stay home with me .. About how I asked for help one time with cleaning and it was half assed etc. He says "okay just always sit there and point out everything I'm doing wrong" I start crying and redact and digress... Also for context, we are both 29.

When I finally blow up and say things, prior in my head I believe I'm right. Have solid evidence. But every time I do he ends up saying things that make me wonder if I'm over reacting. Or if I'm being to harsh. He is sleeping right next to me right now... And I'm stuck here in the hole of monotonous thought process of "who is the victim". Me reaching out on here is a desperate plea, and even just to know someone read it could help. Because I'm stuck thinking my thoughts or feelings never get heard. So I just...... Keep them as thoughts.