I know it gets better for many of us, and that having stable, healthy relationships isn't impossible. But here I am, a week after I saw my FP ex and had a dissociative episode that lasted from Saturday morning until today, feeling extremely a envious and angry at my friends who have romantic partners and thrive in their relationships, and at my friends who have a lot of friends and activities to do with them.

I do not think I will ever find a good match, and I also believe my relationships with friends are rarely sincere so I don't hang around with many people even if I talk to them.

I want to radically accept that I am radically alone. I feel like I need to do it in order to start doing things for my self, by myself, in the comfort of my sick mind.

When I'm alone I do not pretend, I do not split, I can battle my worst thoughts as I know they are dissonances. When I'm with people I can't bring myself down to the moment and stay mindful. Being with others triggers my mind into thinking stories about the people I'm with, how they see me, how everything should be perfect.

I want to be radically alone and happy with it. That way if some day If I stumble upon the kind of relationships with friends and parterns that I've always wished for I will feel accomplished and happy, but if I don't I hope I take advantage of my limited time to build a better existence and experience for me, even if it might get lonely