After not crying for like 6 months it just kept flooding today and I haven't been able to stop for many hours. Apologies being vague on purpose   


At work I was asked to do a task that was a bit out of my realm of things I usually do (picking up for a co-worker that left) Long story short my brain decided it really hated doing that task, which sounds awful but is the way autism processes it... Once it decides no, I cannot force myself to do it, and I will just start crying... forcing to continue will be like scratching a chalkboard  


I always feel mega guilty when this happens. I wanna be helpful and when I breakdown I feel like people don't understand why because it doesn't happen to them, they just see me as lazy or that I didn't want to do it which is not the issue, I WANT TO DO THE THING but something in my brain is blocking me  


I wanted to do well at work and everything, and now half of that is ruined, I don't like making mistakes, I don't like telling people I can't do a thing  


My manager was really nice about it and told me it's not a problem, that I tried. But the coworker I'm supposed to be working under went just, "ok, move on then," and has repeatedly not listened to me about any suggestions for the project. I feel like I keep trying and I just keep getting batted. Everyone else is really nice on the team.   


Add this to my usual "I want to not live anymore" thoughts and I'm a sobbing mess. A gust of wind could knock me over