My bf (30M) broke up with me (26F) via text days before Christmas.. chaos has ensued in the weeks since.

Throwaway bc last time I posted on a sub on my personal account I was shamed over my comment history, etc. 



I apologize for formatting bc I’m on my mobile. This is going to be an annoyingly long post. 



As stated in the title, my now ex bf broke up with me on Dec. 22 at 11 pm via text while at his guy friends house. He said he couldn’t do it anymore, that he moved on from me to his ex too quickly and needed to “find himself.” Valid reasons for a break up I guess. However, him and his ex broke up in December after having 9 month long break ups multiple times throughout the course of their “3.5” year long relationship. They seemed to have loathed each other. Ex and I got together on Valentine’s Day last year, and were best friends for 3 years before that. It should be noted we are(were) also coworkers. 




About a month ago, my then bf got a promotion to finance manager. Everyone knew we were dating, he was a salesman and I was a receptionist. However, now that he had a management title, it was time for me to start looking for jobs elsewhere. Before I landed a new job; HR, as well as all of sales management approved of our relationship. I decided to still keep looking for other jobs because he assured me once we worked separately he would no longer have to keep our relationship so “low key” and would be able to “show me off.” That said, he wasn’t hiding me. I knew his entire family and we double dated with friends often. I was invited to his family’s home for Thanksgiving and Christmas but politely declined as I had my own family to see. 





He went away to another store location for finance training and came back very distant. It should be noted he worked there during the day but still came home at night, so, no, he wasn’t cheating on me. That said, we went from having sex 5 times a week to once if I was lucky. He kept saying he “needed space” even though he had been working at a different store than me. I kept looking for jobs. 





Flash forward to having a great night Dec. 21st until we both had a few too many drinks and started having sex. It started out great, but once he finished, he refused to finish me off. I was very saddened by this considering we hadn’t been having sex very much and I missed him from being away at work. We also used to have PHENOMENAL sex, and it was just so ... different. I also didn’t understand why he didn’t want to satisfy my needs after I satisfied his and just surprised him by having him come home to a completely clean home - closet was immaculately color coordinated and organized. I got drunk and pissed and I guess said mean things I don’t remember. This is what he tells me, I don’t know what I said or if it was even true or not. 





Fast forward to the break up text the next night. At first, I begged for him to reconsider. Then I accepted it and told him I would be gathering my belongings in the morning before he had Christmas shopping to do and then early football games to watch. He agreed. I showed up at 9am, realized he was still drunk and sleeping, and called him 20 times to wake him up as I know he sleeps lightly and his phone is always on high ringer, never vibrate. 






Finally, he texts me saying I was “scaring him” and that my things were outside on the porch. My belongings were in a giant garbage bag and it was only a small portion of what I owned. It should be noted though I did not officially live there, I spent 6-7 nights a week there. All of my belongings were in his house. I kept calling because I had boxes to pack the rest of my stuff, and just wanted to collect my things. He screamed from the staircase for me to go away. Finally I knocked and because he didn’t want tenants downstairs to hear, he opened the door. When he opened the door, instead of letting me in to pack the rest of my stuff, he shoved me out of the door and had 911 dialed on his phone saying I am crazy and scaring him. I said nothing threatening or erratic or even asked for him back. 





Eventually, I convince him I don’t have all of my things, have empty boxes I would like to pack, and would be on my way. He lets me in to pack. He apologizes for acting irrational. Says he got too drunk last night and “as I know he’s a cunt in the morning.” Says he didn’t remember agreeing to me coming over to pack my stuff. As I’m leaving I ask for an in person break up and all he says is he needs to be alone. I leave, broken hearted. 





I left his house, then later that night after stopping at a friends to cry and explain what just happened - a car pulls out of a pub and smashes into me. I have another major panic attack. My car was not totaled but this was my first, very bad car accident. I called my ex for help and he said he was drunk and at his guy friends but would call me an Uber if I wanted. I hung up and had that friend I visited pick me up. 





The following week at work was the worst of my life. I have a very bad panic disorder, and kept getting the runs and throwing up. I couldn’t see him at work. He wished me a merry Christmas and tried to apologize but very vaguely. No reasoning, just “sorry I hurt you” type of messages. I was also infuriated he had about 300$ worth of Christmas gifts from me delivered to his house ahead of time and got away with getting me absolutely nothing, with no remorse. 






On Dec. 28th, I stayed in Brooklyn with friends until the 31st. I planned to go back to work on the 30th but panic quit at 4pm that Sunday because I couldn’t face reality or be able to function at work with my debilitating depression and anxiety attacks I was having. Plus, he kept saying he couldn’t live with me or work with me. Part of me wanted to stay at work, look dolled up every day and make him want me back;  but the other part of me convinced me that disappearing from his life would be best for my mental health, as well as some sort of punishment for him. 






Although I agree I needed to leave my job, I wish I didn’t let my anxiety get the best of me. I am now jobless. 400$ to my name and no future paycheck. I have to move back home with my mom today... I’ve been staying at a different friends since I got back from the city. I wake up at 5 am sobbing and with heart palpitations every morning realizing I am not in his bed. I am ashamed to say it, but Xanax and weed are the only things helping me cope right now. My mom wants to put me in inpatient for a week, not to get clean (I only medicate when crazy shit like this happens) but for serious therapy. I am worried about this because although therapy sounds appealing as I am lacking health insurance .. I’ve applied to over 100 jobs so far and it could interfere with me obtaining one. 





I don’t know what kind of advice I’m looking for. How to cope with heart break/ a financial deficit / a car accident/ moving into my moms dark basement / depression / anxiety disorder / BPD?




I truly love him and respect him wanting to break up. Just wish I had closure. We almost made it to a year..he was my best friend, my lover, my roommate, and my partner. I am very sad and very lost. 




TLDR;  bf dumped me randomly right before xmas. didn’t act like himself at all and shoved me when I tried to pack my things. I then wrecked my car. We were coworkers so I quit my job bc seeing him was giving me panic attacks. I have no money and can’t stop crying or find the willpower to function as a human and its been two weeks now.