For years I’ve had a hard time finding the words to explain myself or my thought process. The last two years have been at the peak of my mental illness and doctors have prescribed me anxiety medication which have helped the panic and anxiety only temporarily- but never for a full 24 hours. Last night I had a conversation with my husband when it hit me- I finally knew how to explain what goes on in my head. I wrote it down and I’m going to explain it to everyone here so maybe, someone struggling with the same thing, can finally put it into words and feel a little relief. Here’s what I wrote: 

It’s almost like a filing cabinet. I wake up, 7am, and start sorting. Immediately my internal dialogue begins. “What do I need to get done today?”, “did I do this yesterday?”, “should I do that again today?” Constantly questioning, analyzing, and forming a “list” in my head. I start my list for the day, going to my favorite coffee place and getting the same drink. $3.05 after tax. After that, depending the day, is what I do. Do I work that day? Or am I home with my kids? That what builds the rest of the day and what I need to get done. 

This is when the anxiety comes in. I’ll be doing my mental list, a Routine if you say, and suddenly something happens. Big or small, it affects my “list”. It may not be a big problem for others but it affects my ENTIRE day. I can’t continue with the rest of my work unless I solve this problem.. IMMEDIATELY. This is when a second list of the day is created, re-analyzing and coming up with solutions for said problem. If no solution is immediately found or the solution isn’t “good enough” it becomes a MAJOR problem for me mentally. I will sit around all day trying to make a new list to still find a better solution. Constantly having anxiety because while I’m trying to solve the problem my brain is screaming “YOU NEED TO COMPLETE YOUR FIRST LIST. NOT THIS ONE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING”and while that may be true- I cant. I have become fully in tune to solving the problem. 

At the end of the day I get in bed and start re-analyzing my day. “What did I do right?”, “what did I do wrong?” And no matter the outcome I’m never happy with the choices I did or didn’t make. I will stay awake for several more hours, drifting off to sleep thinking about my entire day.

And that is what it’s like in my head. It’s extremely exhausting to constantly be dissatisfied with myself.

If you read this far , thank you.