So, here goes nothing

This is going to be a rather lengthy post ,so please bear with me. I'll first start by stating the current situation. After having searched for a flat to move in together, me and 3 of my best friends (I thought ?) moved in together. We knew there would be some complications when moving in because of how different we are, but we thought we would manage. After all, we're talking almost every day for the past 1,5 years, right? Wrong.

 Currently sitting in my room and about an hour ago 2 of the 3 posted a rather lengthy text onto Discord detailing that these are the points that have to be done be, and if we don't want to be friends we should admit and stop pretending. And honestly?

It feels like such a relief to have the option "presented by them". I feel so unfathomably bad when near other people, that because of my BPD I think I just can't work together with others. I yearn back to the the shitty ass flat I had before we moved in together. My own home, my bastion. The place where I could be "me", even when that "me" was a hollow of wants that were crushed as a child. It was so much better than the constant fear of them telling me again that I didn't do x, or that I should be doing y, or that behaviour z is hurting them. Never am I able to talk about the things that hurt me, because that would be too much of a burden for them.

 But I really don't know if I'm just splitting again. We had a lot of ups and downs for the past 1.5 years, but I feel like I've always given so much into the relationship, but never got something from it (Which 100% is because I never wanted to). These 3 friends are the people whose bonds are the strongest I have ever created in my whole life (shitty parents). I kinda feel like, you know, this is something where you think "oh, you just can't live together and move on" and tbh the best thing that could happen would be that we move out and we just do not so much together. Having to shoulder the emotional burden of one of the friends, which has severe ptsd and is suicial, just brings out the worst in me. Even though, as a kind of self defense mechanism, I started justifying my behaviour. It is very hard to see the behaviour I do as bad.

And what is the most scary thing about it, is that I feel so joyous about thinking that I could be living in my own room again. I yearn for it so much. There was a sunday morning where all of them were out of house, and I felt so alive. I felt so.... "me". And as the time went on, I dreaded the moment they came back. Of course this is all due to BPD, and I am already looking for Therapy, and it will eventually get better. But for the meantime I just hope to easen the burden and live alone again