I just don't think I am that bad. 

A couple weeks ago my psychiatrist insulted me when I said I didn't want more meds, I just wanted more control from my mandated overtime. I lost hope, here was someone suppose to help me, and he insulted me and refused any help. I just felt hopeless. I wanted to drive to a bridge near work, park in the middle of the road so my car was found quick and my wife wouldn't be left worrying and jump off this bridge. I specifically drove around it as to not tempt myself to pull the trigger on it. 

I've started having panic attacks too. I am stuck in a spiral. 3 meds and still wanting to off myself. I can't focus for shit, even writing this is hard. 

I was honest about it with my therapist, and now she is pushing for IOP. But I am still begrudgingly resistant but exploring. I just don't think I am THAT bad. I don't want to take the help from someone who is worse off. 

I feel bad because I am causing pain by existing to those around me, because they worry. I hate that my mind works against me.