Recently my therapist and I discussed how all the male relationships past a certain point were one sided love stories of me pining after a straight man, also someone emotionally unavailable, shy, lovable. They were my "best friends" but really I loved them. I don't know if it was an expression of my closeted sexuality at the time or what but I couldn't just have a close male friend, feelings always got involved on my side. Now I just feel like an awful person as an adult because I just wanted to be loved like everyone else. I wanted to be wanted. I feel like I should reach out to some of these people and apologize for feelings they didn't even know I had. I don't even know how to move on from all of this and begin to have normal relationships with guys. I'm just so frustrated. I'm mad because I can't correct any of this. I want to be my true authentic self but I feel like I can't with this closeted ghost lingering over me.