TW mention of suicidal thoughts  


I'm 23 years old. I lost my family at 15. I'm spending another Christmas alone. I have social anxiety and I'm too scared to socialise. I'm scared of going out, scared of getting the vaccine. Even if I do everything is pointless anyway. There's nothing I enjoy in life anymore. I've been selling all my belongings because why not. I've never had a partner, I've never had sex. I'm failing uni right now, I don't hate it but I have no motivation to do anything. I think about ending my life all the time. I kind of Christmas Day would be a good idea because I'm all alone and I mean nothing to anyone in society.

I kind of wanted to learn to play the ukulele. I don't know if that would make me happy, but it's £35/lesson which is very expensive. I feel like if I do want to do anything it's immediately a financial stress. I can afford food ect but I have no financial stability. I'm too depressed to work. I've accepted it but it makes me even more depressed. I just don't even know why I'm still here. I don't think I'll ever be fixed because I'll never have a replacement family. I'm going to spend most of my life alone. I have almost no support. I've had multiple therapists for years but therapy feels pointless to me, it's just a waste of time. Everyone else seems to have a life apart from me.