TW// self harm

I haven’t been diagnosed with BPD but I feel like I really resonate with what people experience. I can’t go to the doctor as I still live with my parents and they don’t believe that anything’s wrong no matter what happens. I have a long history of self harm and reckless behaviours I cannot help but continuously lie about. I feel like I’m much more toxic than I realise. 

I can’t control my moods, I’m angry constantly. My parents okayed plans I made for my birthday for me to see  who I feel like is my favourite person, and tonight told me it wasn’t allowed. It literally broke me I don’t know what to do. I’ve just come out of a two month slump where I was heavily considering suicide, I’ve been back on my feet for around three days and now I feel like I’m just back there again.

I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone or see a doctor. I’ve relapsed multiple times and have been found out and they still don’t believe anything’s wrong. I feel like I hide it so well that I don’t even know what’s real and whenever I talk to people I feel immediately invalidated. 

I broke up with my boyfriend about three weeks ago and I felt like I was in limbo until I had someone else to rely on. I had a really unhealthy relationship with another dude which I had to cut off because he was encouraging all of my bad behaviours but now I feel like my focus is shifted to this other girl and it’s not fair on her or me. I genuinely don’t care about my future or my well-being and over this slump I started smoking and getting high all the time. But I know that as soon as I’ve seen her again I’ll wake up feeling like a god and that everything will be good for the rest of my life. 

I can’t mediate anything I feel and it’s like it’s slowly killing me.