I'm 24, brand new here and have been looking through posts here for the last couple of days. The level of community support and kindness has given me the encouragement to write a post myself and share my situation. I've suffered from bouts of depression on and off since I was a teenager, I actually remember feeling suicidal for the first time as a young child (9 or 10 at the oldest). I was always a 'shy' child, and came to realise that shyness was acute social anxiety as a teenager. I would avoid situations where I'd have to meet new people and when I had to do this, I would be mute. Luckily, I had a pretty big enough group of close friends who I could be myself around so I didn't feel alone, although I had very low self-esteem. When I left school for university, the anxiety was very debilitating and I was put on SSRIs for this. They worked exceptionally well. For the guts of two years on meds, the anxiety disappeared and my mood was highly elevated. I was happy all the time and enjoyed being able to socialise, meet new people, go on dates, etc (I'm actually a very social person despite the anxiety).

But the effectiveness gradually faded, and instead of the anxiety hitting me, it was depression. It began as an ever-increasing apathy - something I've always been prone to but it kept getting worse. As I'm naturally academically-minded, I still managed to get good grades in my degree and was offered a scholarship for a doctorate straight out of my undergrad two years ago. This is when things started to really unravel. I felt paralysed, unable to get out of bed or do any work at least 50 per cent of the time. I somehow managed to keep going with it until a couple of weeks ago when I quit. My depression was worsening and my studies loomed over me like a dark cloud. I knew I couldn't continue. I know I made the right decision and initially felt an immense sense of relief which I mistook for being "cured". 

But soon this gave way to the worst depressive episode I have ever experienced. I haven't been able to get out of bed for over a week and even the smallest tasks seem like insurmountable burdens. I feel an almost physical pain that makes every second feel unbearable. I've had suicidal thoughts at various times in the past but now I can't stop dwelling on it. I cry constantly and feel like this is what my life is now. It's hard to explain, but I feel like I'm settling into depression as if it's some natural state for me. It's as though I've fully surrendered. I can't imagine ever feeling any different and my destiny seems sealed as an apathetic, ineffective person who isn't capable of anything except lying in bed, enduring the misery. 

Can anyone relate to this? Or has anyone come out of feeling this way? I don't want to think that this is it, but I'm also oddly comforted by the idea of never getting better. 

I welcome any and all comments, suggestions, experiences, etc. Thank you everyone so much for reading ❤