I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts for a while. My bf says I will come out on the other side more self satisfied, more content and more accomplished when I try compared to when I give up. He's been telling this to me for years but there's not a day I stop thinking about ending it right there, when I'm waiting at the train station, sitting in Uni lectures, working. We started as this power couple last year at my current degree program, I moved in with him one week after meeting him. Throughout the year I spent so much time oblivious to the codependent person I was becoming. I trusted him far too much, as he is older and a lot more experienced in many things.  Little moments of success in our studies would overshadow my feelings until in summer I met two guys on Reddit in an outdoor subreddit whom I hiked a trail with. This trip made me me feel realize how I could imagine a life lived in the mountains, and how codependent I was becoming as a person and how my mental health was at rock bottom. The trip made me think of my strange behaviors in the past year living with my bf like e.g. finding random excuses to leave the house and go for long walks and I would take every academic opportunity to go on trips. I am not really not comfortable talking about my mental state outside of Reddit. See my bf comes from a country that doesn't have a term for "psychology" or "psychiatry" and I've always avoided talking about these things and feel I need to hide a part of myself because I want to protect myself and not become a burden. Sometimes I open up when it hits me but what he says hurts e.g.   
"I am sorry to point this out (not to you necessarily) but "i cant", "I don't have the capacity to" are bailouts that may be insulting to some.. trying no matter what, spending any and every bit of energy you have despite the downs, that's kind of mandated."

Months of feeling down I decided to get a gym subscription and go squatting to help me mentally. Now he keeps saying academics needs to come first.  He says that gym is nice, but seeing as for better or for worse I exist in an academic context for the time being, and that I do owe it to people (like my father who pays, or mother who has hopes or me who helps) to give it my best. He says "its existence is not nullified. You have your rights but your decisions will ALWAYS influence others, this is true for 99% of human beings".  


Is there ever a time where everything comes together?