I am in a very happy relationship with my boyfriend. I love him a lot, and I trust him with my life. 

But I also have these moments, more often than not (even before we dated), about how connected I feel towards a former highschool friend I used to befriend with. I will look at media, fictional characters, listen to music, that all hold some certain connections about my feelings towards this girl.

It's not the same type of love I feel, like how I feel to my boyfriend. I am in love with her, but not in a normal way people feel. But there's this feeling of infatuation. She made a big impact in my life, but I haven't spoken to her regularly in a long while since we parted ways to different colleges (it has been 4 years since I graduated highschool) so you see, I really yearn for her to be back. No romantic relationship or friendship could really bring me the feeling that she instilled to me... 

I feel like some of the songs I listen to, the media I consume, were all written for me and me only. All for me to find. Some of it may look like it has nothing related to her, but I can find meaning behind them. I almost feel like they were all written for me. And sometimes, when I think about her hard enough, a lot of miracles happen. I think she may secretly want me back as much as I want her, but I'm scared that she wouldn't feel the same way if I ever decided to open up about these feelings. I don't know why I get so envious whenever I see her pictures with someone else. I want to be there with her but I'm not. 

This is... A very weird feeling for me. I am braindumping my thoughts as I write everything down, so I hope to anyone reading this, to be able to understand what I'm saying because I feel like I'm not speaking coherently. This feeling I have towards her is indescribable. The feeling of loss, even though she's still well and alive, the feeling of anticipating that maybe one day she'll make a move to me, it's all very strange and I cannot comprehend why. 

I feel horrible that I even have these thoughts because I love my current boyfriend (and he is a big sweetheart for not being offended that I experience this), I feel safe with him, I couldnt ask for anyone else, but it's just.. these thoughts almost plague me everyday. I don't know what to call them. I think it's wrong for me to have these thoughts? But I also don't want them to go. They make me feel euphoric. I wonder if it has got to do with me being bipolar but I'm not even sure what even is the connection if at all.  

Sorry this whole text dump did not make sense. Thank you for hearing me out if you got this far.