I have health anxiety and a needle phobia. No I'm not vaccinated, I get it.. I'm going to get it, and it's going to bad.. etc etc I've been waiting in fear for years now and now I've just accepted it and was finally moving on. The one thing I ask my Mom if she talks to me is not to bring up Covid, as I simply have made the personal decision to take the risk and move on with my life. If there is any uptick in numbers I'll get messages "Not to scare you but theres a new wave in ... \[fill in the blank\]" and it brings back all of my health anxiety, not just related to Covid, but everything. 

She always wants to tell me about some distant relative that had it bad or died. I get it, I get it, I get it, I get it, I get it. I know ITS REAL. I know It's bad, I know I'm a prime target.. but I can't continue having overdoses and swallowing handfuls of benzos to get it off my mind. I just started ADHD medication and I'm up to 80mg of Prozac a day, combined with countless benzos. I'm just starting to feel better and get things done, now I'm paralyzed with fear again. I've asked like 900 times politely "I understand Covid is serious and bad, but please don't bring it up randomly as it triggers panic attacks". 

I know she's just worried and a loving mother, but I'm 30 years old and have lived a decade stuck in my head from health anxiety. I am finally showing a little improvement and then I get these messages.  I'm a family guy and I love her, but I'm gonna die very early if I continue living in my always fear mode.  I just shut off my phone and I know I have a million messages apologizing and stuff, and with my personality I want to just say "I love you, don't worry about it!".. but that would be very dishonest at the moment. The whole time I wrote this post I've been just dropping 1 tablet of klonopin in my mouth every sentence or so. Terrible choices, but fear takes over my life and that's why I avoid these things.

I think I just needed to rant. I'm all love over here and not terrible angry or anything, I just felt like I was feeling better for months for the first time in years and right now I'm a 9/10 on the fear scale.