Several years ago I was physically assaulted by another man outside a bar. He left me with a black eye, split lip and a bloody nose. The physical wounds healed within weeks but the mental scars are still with me to this day. The assault has affected me greatly, so much so that I find it unbearable to watch a scene in a movie/TV show where there is a 'fist fight' or physical violence. 

Someone suggested I could take up some sort of self-defence to give me confidence and confront my trauma. I decided on boxing (orthodox). I bought some gloves and (because gyms are closed due to Covid) I began watching instructional Youtube videos about boxing drills. I don't have a bag yet but I've been shadow boxing in my living rooms practicing the combos, footwork and slips.

I have mixed feelings about it. When I'm having a good day I feel good about the new skills I have learned and feel more confident, but if I'm having a bad day the videos feel quite triggering. All this macho talk about hitting and punching makes me anxious imagining myself in a ring being subjected to a beating by some superior opponent. Some of the techniques feel barbaric and cruel (hitting someone in the liver sounds appalling to me).  

I guess a part of me wants to confront my fears head on by competing in an actual match (white collar boxing allows ordinary amateurs to do this) but I'm not sure whether this might make my anxiety worse if it all goes wrong. 

Just wondering if any of you have any thoughts on this, or similar experiences? Thanks for reading!