I don't even know where to begin.

Decades lost, spent angrily and violently lashing out over the most inconsequential things and never really understanding why or where it came from. Mood swings that were seemingly instantaneous, practically unable to control even in the slightest. Unsure of decision making, feeling like whichever choice I make will be the wrong one. Never feeling like I'm good enough at anything I try to do, regardless of context; deep down not believing positive feedback and nearly wanting to break down when I attempt to. Always trying to please everyone and avoid confrontation in all it's forms, since even the idea of it causes extreme physical discomfort, usually resulting in a shutdown. Overbearing anxiety in the face of romantic rejection, wanting desperately to make connections and simultaneously being terrified of losing them. Sacrificing the things I've wanted in order to make others happy, and feeling like I don't really *deserve* to be happy at all.

"You're too sensitive."
"You just need to let it go and get over it."
"There's nothing wrong with you, you just need to work on being confident."
"That isn't worth getting so angry over."
"I think you like being angry and miserable."

Years. Fucking *years* I've spent, lost and will never reclaim not understanding why I've felt the way I have for so long. Even now after piecing together the roadmap for how my life went off the rails as an adolescent, still at 40 it did not help to actually solve anything.

After years of therapy, some of which was very helpful and was a large part of the reason I went into recovery and now have six years sober from booze and pot, it still felt like I was spinning my wheels from an emotional and psychological standpoint. Just talking about things wasn't changing anything.

I finally went to a proper psychiatrist yesterday, and it took less than 30 minutes of life story brushstrokes for her to have me pegged. I started Lamactil and Effexor as of this morning. I used to think that medication was a crutch and I didn't need it, trying to beat myself into believing the bullshit lines above which were constantly thrown at me. Now, I can't wait to see what the meds can do.

I found this community after searching for Effexor, and I'm very thankful I did. Even just skimming the posts, I knew I was finally in the right place.

I look forward to being a part of it.