I internalize any and all chastisement that I get from people, whether I just broke a glass or broke a computer. The mistakes I make are usually not that serious, but I have an unhealthy habit of making it so much bigger than it actually is. I don't know why I do it, but I've been my own enemy since a very young age.

If I got in trouble, of course I'd get disciplined but I don't believe my parents would say anything harmful to me. After it was over, they'd leave me be for some time so I can process what all had happened. While I'd be alone, I would punch/slap myself because of how much I screwed up. I wouldn't do a lot, but it would hurt for sure. I did this as young as 6 or 7. Later on in time, I started to ease up on that, later realizing it did no good for me and that it was self-harm without the blood.

Now, I think I've gone back to the self-harming (punching/slapping) again. I'm only 14 and it's not great for me to be doing this so young, or doing it in general. I'm very much ashamed that I do it from time to time, but sometimes I just don't know what to do with myself. Everything changed when I was 12 and it feels like everything is just off. I'm able to feel happiness and joy, yes, but I have some serious bouts of depression that can be very overwhelming. I cry extremely easily and I might be self-gaslighting myself. I hold back my emotions and even sometimes convince myself that I'm overreacting or just being the dramatic bitch I am.

I have voices in my head that tell me that I'm just worthless, that I mess up, that I shouldn't even exist and that I should just put things to an end. These voices aren't audible, but they sure are loud. I don't cut myself because I'm afraid of the pain and scarring. There are times when I do sit and think about it... when I really am unstable, I grab my notebook and start drawing art of "unaliving myself". I don't plan on actually doing it, but the thoughts are there...

Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my sanity. Sometimes it feels like the world around me isn't real. I always turn to the clocks though; as long as the time is moving, everything should be fine. It gets bad if I have a depressive bout/questioning reality and it's nighttime and I'm tired. Things can get pretty scary when you're hoping that you don't start hallucinating, you start questioning your sanity, and then you start wondering if you should tell your parents about this. Then you start wondering if you'll get admitted into a mental hospital and it all rambles on. At least I get to sleep at the end of it.

I know I'm fairly young to be feeling this way, but I needed to get this off my chest. I have sleep paralysis much more often than the normal amount, so much to the point where I'm hoping there's no underlying cause that's far more serious than what I think. Well, there I go about to go into another rant...

I would vent more but I don't think I have the time. I just really needed a place to talk.