Since we were born, we were taught to get better, have a good life, try to be nice, and everything what makes life and our own life better.

I have lived for more than 3 decades, experiencing more than a decade of depression, and I’ve seen things getting worse and worse. I tried to get better and everything else just made it worse.

I’m already tired of living. I’m like a living drone day by day, working, home, eat, sleep, and so on. I have seen death more like a blessing and living is like a curse. There are hundreds of way for me to end my life but in the end, I’m still waking up every morning, working, try to smile and make everyone happy while deep inside I’m like a broken vase with holes, cracks, and everything.

I tried to help someone and i ended up losing money. Being lied to be paid back and in the end, i almost losing all my lifesaving. Am i too nice? Or should i be a villain to everyone?

Family isn’t so different. My extended family is pretty much group of assholes. In short, it ended my dad losing my money and he doesn’t have lots of lifesaving or even retirement. He’s working on family business which ended up losing his career. I’m not living in the “great” USA so we can throw all greatest ideas to sue them.

I ended up move to different country because i saw it as last bullet in the chamber. Literally and figuratively. I saw it as my last chance or i ended up killing myself.
Managed to finished study and got a job after years unemployed. All of it ended up i have to helped my family and losing my live saving (as per above story).

And things around the world don’t make life easier as well. Everything is expensive, i don’t even have a car, my body is going weaker and sicker, stressed, depressed, etc.



I don’t know how long i can hold on to this thin string of hope. I’m practically like an organic robot these days. 
Thanks for the time. I just want a place to shout my thought. If it’s the end of my life, well, thanks for the opportunity to share then.