So this is a late night post, but I’ve had a really hard day. I came up on Friday to stay at a friend of a friends place for the weekend. I was looking forward to it not because of the idea of hanging out with people, but because I wanted to try to get away from the emotions I’ve been struggling with for such a long time. I thought, naively, that being with people and having a good time would help boost my mood. 

Unsurprisingly, I was wrong. In fact, this may have helped to solidify something I didn’t want to accept: I don’t have any support in my life. 

Over the past two days, it’s felt like I’ve been sorta there while everyone enjoyed themselves. It felt as if that, if I had never been here, nothing would’ve changed. Everyone would be just as happy if I had never decided to come. 

I cried yesterday and today on multiple occasions (some of which were much more intense than others), and it’s left me exhausted. I *want* to talk to someone about how I’m feeling. I want to just *say* the things I feel when I’m asked “are you okay”.

 But I don’t. I just say I’m fine. 

I realize now that I have a hard time letting people in close to me. If someone asks me up front, if everything’s okay, I just say whatever I can to not worry them. I don’t want to ruin the mood just because I’m dealing with some genuinely harmful mental health issues. We’re supposed to see a concert, something my friends been looking forward to for over a month! I feel like if I say anything, it could really sour the experience. 

Now, here I am. I’m lying on a couch, trying to get some sleep after some pretty serious crying and depressive thoughts. I just want to be happy.