I was not a good friend to my FP, for many different reasons caused by my mental disorders, I fucked up, a lot. They cut contact with me suddenly back in June. They were my, everything, I have no family members, I don't really have a lot of friends, they were the closest thing I ever had to a family, so loosing them has been, hard. 

&amp;#x200B;

Recently they opened up to all of our shared friends about all the fuck ups I did, and as of a couple days ago, I have officially been cut out by all of them in one massive swoop. It's been 4 months, and I'm still having to face consequences over and over and over for the actions I did and learned from a while ago and it's just, really hard on me. 

&amp;#x200B;

I'd become obsessed with trying to become a better person for my FP. I become overly obsessed with overanalyzing myself as a person, trying to break apart all the bad parts of myself to try to figure out how to do better, to the point it became extremely unhealthy. I was spending hours upon hours upon hours every single day obsessing over, thinking about all the mistakes I did thinking of ways to do better. I do not have the money for therapy, so I guess I thought if I put in the work to try to figure out how to stop all my mental disorder's negative side affects on my own that it'd be ok, but all it's done is harm me. The only thing that could distract me from this type of behaviour was talking in the friend group I've just been officially cut from, and I don't know what to do anymore.   


I just, I just want to move on. I want to move on but I don't know how. I keep clinging onto this false hope that my FP would ever want me back, and I just. I just want to let go. I want to stop obsessing over how much I hurt them every single breathing second of my life. But its been such an obsessive constant for so long I don't even know where to start to stop it.