So I was taking out some trash this morning so I could have room to walk to my desk - yeah, I know it's bad, and yes, it does get worse - and a paper bag of takeout ripped as I picked it up. A bunch of fruit flies and fruit fly larvae fell out. Almost ralphed. I wanted to scream. Cry. Burn the place down and run away to the woods and give a nice bear a free meal. (I'm safe,, btw, I don't want to end things.) The state of my apartment is shameful. How I've been treating my body is shameful. *I* am shameful. I know I've been scraping the bottom of the barrel for a while, but this was just life taking me by the scruff of the neck and shoving my snout in my shit. I've never felt like such an absolute fucking failure.

I've been severely depressed for the past few years, diagnosed BP2 around then, and I always had periods of time between the lows where I saw some happiness or progress. But these past few months have been something else. I've been ridiculously good at "coping" (read: "ignoring") by all manner of distraction from my depression; drinking, binging YouTube, playing games. I can't escape the gravity of the situation now. 

On the one hand, I'm really scared. This is a lot of emotions and that makes it harder to predict how this'll feel in the next 5 minutes, or hours, or days. On the other hand, I feel things, and even the negative feelings can lead to change. 

I don't want to be better, I *need* to be better. Because if this feels like ass, I really can't imagine trying to get through what it will feel like if I continue on the route I've been going. I just have to start thinking of things I can start changing, even if they're small. Like finding an excuse to get outside or having no social media days.

I'm going to go grab some electrolytes, sit down, and journal/brainstorm for a while. If anybody has any thoughts or suggestions or kind words, I'm all ears. Hell, at this point, I don't think I'd mind you calling me a shitty excuse for a human being. (Joking, kind of...)


**TL;DR: Had a rude awakening just now to how seriously depressed and dysfunctional I am. I need to change.**