I remember having a philosophical conversation with an old friend of mine (who isn't a friend anymore) and I mentioned something about how I feel like identity is a sum which always equals zero.  
He never understood what I meant.  


All the trauma's, memories, emotions constantly occupying my mind prevent me from becoming more; growing towards becoming the person i want to be. But every attempt I make I climb and climb and climb and an avalanche hits me and buries me for weeks.   


It's always 1 step forward, 2 steps back. Philosophically speaking... it's only logical, the more you know; the more you know that you don't know anything. But knowing all this, being aware of these patterns, this behaviour and all of my overreactions....  


WHY, for goodness sake, can I not break the pattern?  
Why do I always end up in places i've already been and bid farewell to?  
Why do I sit still in frustration instead of doing anything about it?  


That last one isn't true, I have an unhealthy amount of hobbies, social activities, acquaintances etc.. All very strong personality type people who carry little to no anxiety around with them. My girlfriend has never had a panic attack.   
I surround myself with people who wouldn't ever writing a monologue such as this one, because they don't have the mental/emotional capacity to think like this.   


Ï am so tired of constantly thinking/overthinking/feeling like i don't belong/feeling less than I am/blahblahblah  
Every week the frustration of it just builds up and I load up on alcohol and drugs and binge to get the frustration out, if I don't, I act abusive towards other people. Several therapists have tried to handle me and no one clicked.   
I don't know what to do.   


The only thing that feels good right now is the relationship with my girlfriend, she's a very privileged person who hasn't had to live through shitty unstable times at uncertain ages and her parents are well off, financially. Every time I'm with her or her family, I get to pretend I'm like that too, and it's cathartic like nothing else. It also scares me that the moment I open the front door of my own home where I live with my parents, i'm practically walking into a house made of eggshells. Hanging out with my SO in her house, with her family, makes me feel more at home than actually being at home and it makes me feel guilty as fuck.

&amp;#x200B;

Everything just seems somehow stacked up against me even when it isn't and really shouldn't matter.   
I've tried the usual stuff to combat these "irrationalisations" and it hasn't worked, this feels more complicated.   
I'm confused.   


Help.