this happened a month ago, but its been festering for so long and i have to get this off my chest. sorry for the wall of text

19F and on my way to getting a proper diagnosis. i have also been diagnosed with high functioning aspergers. bpd has ruined every single relationship ive had where ive truly loved someone (3 out of 7 partners) and i cant fucking take it anymore. (i mention love because my bpd only manifests if i love them, and jealousy/insecurity begins to get in the way)

this all happened after coming back to my student flat after being told by my university that my studies have been terminated. me and my boyfriend tried to have a nice day anyway, but a certain subject that's incredibly triggering to me came up, and i blew up for hours. in a short moment of clarity, i admitted something really hard to admit to him, that most of my shitty behaviour is me projecting internalized shame. i tried to steer the conversation in a different direction because that topic was too much to talk about, but he wouldnt let it go.

after more frantic argument, i raised my arm to hit him and then stopped, and he flinched. then he moved his face forward, closing his eyes as if he was bracing himself and saying go ahead, and it happened. thats when all hell broke loose. he said, "go on, hit me again" and i asked "can i?". he asked me why, and i told him i want to beat the shit out of him during my episodes. he knows this, and he also knows ive been having frequent nightmares about punching, kicking and slapping him for months. i actually woke up on that day crying because id had my most vivid one to date. 

he left to the door, and i started crying and asking him why he was leaving, and he told me he was leaving because i hit him. what..? why? after you let me? yeah, i know it sounds stupid, but it really really upset me. when i asked him why he gestured that it was okay to hit him, he said he wanted to see if i would actually do it. i couldnt fucking help it. it was like putting meat in front of a starving dog. i felt so betrayed and fucked up. i even had the gall to blame it on him, saying that he tricked me into it. it was so fucking shitty of me. all the things that happened that day led to my explosion, yet he still stayed by my side and still loves me unconditionally.

i moved back home abroad yesterday. i had to say goodbye to him and all of my friends at university. i want help, i never want to do that to anyone ever again. the only other time i hit a boyfriend (or anyone) was when i was 13 (also because of the same previously mentioned certain subject). not only that, i dont want to make anyone suffer emotionally like i did to him and the other two partners i loved. i feel like a monster, and i have no clue how to cope with the guilt. you have no idea how it feels looking someone you love in the eye, with your arm raised in pure hatred and rage. i'd really appreciate any input or advice. my parents treat mental illness as a joke so its really difficult to get support at the moment.

thank you so much for reading this all the way through. my heart goes out to everyone else suffering with bpd.