The past couple months have been really stable for me. However, two weeks ago I quit my job that I despised because I started to notice it taking a hit on my mental health. In hindsight, yes, I should of had a job lined up before I quit. I’m only 19 so I won’t go homeless, but I still have things I need to pay for. It’s been 2 weeks and I haven’t had any luck yet. However, since I quit, I have made strides in about every other aspect of my life. I enrolled myself into community college. I finally got the motivation to go to the gym and have gone almost everyday since. I reached below 200lbs for the first time in 3 years. I’m being much more social as well(I have no friends of my own, I have just been hanging out with all my brothers friends who are 21-23), and can even notice a significant increase in my own self confidence. With the exception of the job, my life is steadily improving. 

For the past year I have been enrolled a Veterinary Assistant Program and yesterday I received my certificate. While I’m not pursuing a career in this, I still put in a lot of work into the year long class. I showed them the certificate and they just kind of smiled. About an hour or two later, the were saying how frustrated and disappointed they were in me for quitting my job. They did not even say congrats or anything. It really hurt. 

I already started to feel myself slipping down into my head, but I knew that my brother and his friend were going to play Tennis and he invited me. I have found recently that exercise is a great coping skill. He said he was playing at 5:30pm after he helped his girlfriend move her couch. He never said what court he was playing at, so I texted him, then his friend, then his girlfriend, then in the Tennis group chat. Not a single person responded until 6:45, where they just told me where they were. I went to the court just to find out they were leaving because all the courts were taken. This hurt also because is made me feel invisible, a common theme I struggle with. 

When I got home I was deep in my head. I went into my room for a couple of hours when my brother came in and asked if I wanted to talk about why I was sad. I relented and said yes. He then completely invalidated me, and basically called me an idiot for quitting my job like that, and even threw in that he talked to our grandparents, and they think I’m an idiot as well. He gave me the same lecture that my parents gave me, and I never even talked about why I was sad really. That was just too much. I went in my room and just started to cry. I have not cried in a while honestly, but I couldn’t stop. He tried to validate me an hour later, but at that point I felt empty. I cried for about 3 hours straight. One hour in my room, two hours outside. I then layer under a tree for 2 hours and just thought to myself. Since then I have had this very empty feeling that I’m quite familiar of, but I have now idea how to get rid of besides letting it fade on its own. I feel trapped and alone, and wish I could just drown in my bed. If anyone has any advice for how they help themselves when they feel empty, I’ll gladly take it; thanks in advance.