Diagnosed bipolar earlier this year. Still figuring all this out but….anxiety? I’ve always been an anxious person. However, I seem to be extra anxious lately. Nothing has really changed in my life except I’m working less because I’m afraid to go to work. 

I seem to be more anxious about work than I’ve ever been. I took two weeks off because I’m so anxious. It’s developing into a real fear to where my heart races just when I think about going to work the next week. It’s becoming…crippling. Im try my best to not smoke weed to chill or drink to numb. 

Every time I have a bad day at work it just makes me more afraid to go back. It just keeps building and building and it feels insurmountable. I’ve never had it this bad and I have no idea what to do. Unfortunately quitting this job is not possible for another 6 months. I wait tables and people are so mean and judgmental….they’re cruel, really. The job is constantly chaotic, disorienting, and extremely stressful. I just want to drink myself to death as soon as I get home. 

 What if I make a mistake again? 
What if someone gets mad at me?
What if my manager thinks my tip percentage is too low?
What if my manager thinks im the biggest idiot here and secretly hates my guts?
What if I am stupid? Everyone else can handle this..
What if they fire be because I’m so stupid?

Thoughts that constantly swirl in my head. I’m worried I’m going to hurt myself some day because work is so distressing…but either I work this job or I’m homeless, so…