Medication roulette is just making things worse. Again. And I hate that my partner has to be around me at all when I'm like this, or in general right now. 

I've been on countless waiting lists for 2 years just go get seen by a psychiatrist I can both afford, which means I absolutely have to stay in-network. I even got a DNA test against every medication currently used for mental health to help narrow things down when I do get seen, and mostly what I can take without worry of severely bad side effects are controlled substances that literally none of the doctors I've seen will prescribe. Literally don't prescribe any  controlled substance at all.

So here I am again, a new medication every few weeks that's on the moderate DNA-interactions list instead of even having the no DNA-interactions  list considered, and it's just making everything worse. Severe gastrointestinal issues one month, stop that med then get on one that raises my heart rate and body temp so high I'm having hot flashes so bad I'm melting in below zero temps, stop that one and know I'm on one that has me constantly extremity pissed off at everything when I have sensory issues to begin with. Things that normally agitate but I can use my regular coping skills? Nope, those make me nearly uncontrollably rage to the point my every so often  mild self harm has become a lot less mild and nearly daily. To the point I'm leaving bruises on myself and I can't do a fucking thing to control it.

Yeah, I've stopped that one too but it's still in my system for the next few days. I'm literally just needing a doctor to take me seriously, and the only ones that do aren't my mental health ones ever. My therapist is also frustrated because I'm going through all this with what seems like no light in sight.  Talk therapy can't fix agoraphobia, CPTSD, panic disorder and OCD on its own. It doesn't even lessen it, and she's an absolutely amazing therapist. I wouldn't trade her for anyone. 

I don't know how much longer I can handle trying new med after new med. I'm already on month 3 of short-term disability from work a little over half my normal pay, I can't afford it. I also know if I go back, I'll be fired due to missed work because it's been months now of trying to get a WFH accommodation approved after we were working from home for nearly 2 years due to COVID. 

I feel completely powerless and out of options right now, and I know it's wearing on my partner even if he doesn't show it. Gods, he's so patient and so understanding, an absolute Saint, and he has me. A complete fucking mess that's just getting worse.