I don't know where is the best place to post this but just feel the need to get this out. I just read a post about how a woman was being abused by her ex husband and he was terrorising her for hours to the point she thought she was going to die. it immediately brought me back to that feeling when I honestly thought I was about to die. my boyfriend at the time and I had been arguing (no recollection of what about, but whatever it was I know I didn't deserve to feel like my life was about to come to a crashing halt.) We are in the bathroom and he has his hand on the back of my neck, pushing my head down into the bathtub. he's standing/ kneeling over me using all his force to keep my head down. I remember him saying in some words that he would go to jail for killing me and he'd be okay with that. I remember being forced down, completely at his mercy as my attempts to free myself from his grip failed. all I could do was scream as loud as I could and hope a neighbour would hear me and come to my aid. that's all I could do because I thought he was going to kill me. there isn't a feeling like it. and I've been suicidal, I've been on an airplane during turbulence. but this was like no other feeling. and I remember him being annoyed at me for causing so much noise by screaming and afterwards gaslighting me to feel like I was being over-dramatic. we dated for at least another year and a half after this incident. never talked about it or maybe I brought it up once and he flat out denied that he would have actually killed me. but in that moment I thought it was my last on earth. in the few seconds my mind was moving so quickly, pumped with stone cold fear and dread I remember for a few seconds trying to come to terms with and accept the fact that I was probably going to die.

thing is, I still think of my ex very fondly and I don't think he's a bad guy I just think he has anger management issues, but then again what guy doesn't? it is still hard for me to believe the person he turned into when he was really mad and the horrible things he said and did to me. I think there was only 3 occasions where he was violent and there was never any really serious damage apart from a few bruises on my legs. as I type this though I can feel myself downplaying the abuse. abuse is abuse at the end of the day and one time is once too many. Its been over a year since we broke up and we are on good terms although we don't communicate often. it is strange coming to terms with everything that happened in our just under 3 year live-in relationship. I hold no resentment towards him (maybe a little actually) but imagining I was in his shoes, I just find it such a big thing to be standing over someone obviously a lot physically weaker than you, put all your strength into holding them down and yelling that you're gonna kill them. like how does that just happen and then you fucking wake up the next day and just move on with your life? I know his dad was abusive to his mum and I feel like he probably witnessed some bad shit as a kid. but like people who can get to that point of anger need to at least be in therapy. and that's coming from me who is in therapy.