I think I finally found out the secret that’s been kept from me all this time. I always knew it-I’m 5’3 and would blame my height for not getting me far but now I know what it is.
She thinks I’m gay. She asked everyone in our group at the bar. Christ. It was all laughter for them but for me it finally solidified what I’ve been thinking all this time.
Women hate me because they think I’m gay. I’m repulsive or friend-zone quality for them.
I am not homophobic but I’m not gay. This is messing with my head - for how long have people thought that?! What do I have to do - great now it explains why she rejected me despite everything!
I hatehatehatehatehatehate everything about me and I always have to change but I nevereverever get to a point of “ah I am finally accepted and I feel comfortable”.

I want to disappear forever.