(Support and advice appreciated but not required. I just had to get this off my chest.)

My boyfriend and I have dealt with a lot of things. He’s put up with me at my worst and part of me feels guilty because of it. Sometimes I feel like I’m not allowed to leave or criticise him because he always tells me how much he had to go through because of me. 
The main problem I’ve been dealing with is not feeling appreciated enough. There’s been repeated problems where he says he’ll stop doing something and yet I deal with it again two weeks later. Things he said he’d stop four years ago that still come up to this day. Last time we talked about my feeling under appreciated, he said he understood and he had been taking me for granted and he would stop that. Most importantly, he said if he really didn’t change this time and if he went back to his old behaviour, that would mean he’s a lost cause. And that if at that point I wanted to end the relationship, he would let me and not put up a fight.

We had an argument today where something just snapped in me and I realised how much I felt like I was being taken for granted. We agreed to spend the day together, he played video games instead. All my plans were thrown out the window because he wanted me to make him food and wouldn’t compromise on it even though we didn’t have enough time for me to make food AND do what we had planned out of the house. I relented, and asked him if he would at least eat with me. He said yes…. Then went to take a nap. He said to just wake him up when the food was done. I made a whole spread for us to make spring rolls together, put it all on a big tray, got a “picnic” in the bedroom set up and woke him—

He looked at this spread, said “I don’t want it, I’m just gonna sleep”, and turned around.

It made me realise that I couldn’t remember the last time he thanked me for dinner, or said “Looks good!” while I was cooking. Cooking is a love language for me, I work as a cook and am really passionate about what I make, so it really hurt me. I told him I was upset that he chose video games over spending even five minutes with me despite having said that he would. He yelled at me to shut up and let him sleep.

I’ve had to deal with stuff like this repeatedly and have gone through cycles of feeling unappreciated. But something about this argument hit me heavier. I felt so empty and alone and just… drained. 
The problem though is that now I’m not able to tell the difference between me really wanting to end things or me just splitting. I always assume I’m overreacting and that it’ll get better, but it always happens again. I feel like I’m doomed to be trapped in repeated cycles of unhappiness forever. 
I can’t tell the difference between my real feelings and my BPD anymore. I don’t know what to do.