I'm depressed I've been depressed for as long as I can remember and sometimes I'm better sometimes I'm worse. And this is just a note to self, I'm tired of writing in my notes I hope someone takes something from this if anyone reads it.

I'm coming out of maybe the worst depression I've ever been in, I've tried to commit suicide I've tried medication and I've always wished I could try therapy too. But the chances of that being affordable are far from likely any time soon.

A few months ago I couldn't tell reality from depression, i got drunk every day to cope with my my own head and evebtually my head clouded reality it, ruined relationships friendships and it tore apart the futures I could have had with many people, I'm all alone now just my dad to go watch a movie with every few months but my day to day I'll be alone.

I'm going to gym almost every day, I walk when I can't stand the thoughts in my head listen to music and watch movies when I need to cry and make it about something other than my own failures. 

I have an hour or two every day where I function well,  a short time where I'm happy and I can see a future, it drains me for the rest of the day and makes it all so much harder but I'm going to make that longer and keep struggling through my days because I remember how beautiful some moments could be before this took over it all. 


Tldr
I was an alcoholic until recently I was deluded by my depression and ruined my own life, I'm clawing my way back to something better and I'm not going to give up and neither should you.