I'm not sure if this is the correct place to put this, as I don't even know if BPD is a suitable diagnosis for me. I had been seeing a therapist for awhile, and we discussed different personality disorders (specifically Cluster B) but I did not stay in therapy long enough for any sort of diagnosis. I meet the criteria for BPD more than the others, but I carry certain traits from both HPD and NPD that aren't typically seen in BPD individuals. Some of the traits I carry seem to even contradict the symptoms of BPD.

I do have an intense fear of abandonment. I often find myself overthinking and assuming someone is planning to leave me. I'll act on that fear, and end up driving that person away myself. I also tend to have a favorite person, who I will obsess over and basically base my emotions around. If they didn't respond to a text quick enough or something trivial like that, I may spiral and assume they are cheating or didn't love me anymore, with absolutely no evidence. And then when they do text me, I'm on top of the world and think they are perfect again. I've pushed a lot of significant people away because of the behavior this thinking has caused.

I have mood swings that are exhausting and always unwarranted. One moment I'm totally ecstatic and the next I'm contemplating suicide. I am always insecure in my identity, and don't know who I truly am. I try to mold myself to the people around me, and be who they may want me to be. I have different personalities depending on who I am around, and it gets exhausting switching all the time. Sometimes this causes me to dissociate and disconnect myself completely from the world around me.

I'm always paranoid. Mostly about stupid things. I overthink and assume everyone is out to get me. Even people who I should be able to trust, and have proven themselves trustworthy. The paranoia eats me up. Sometimes I'll be so paranoid about something, and think about it so often, my mind will convince me it has to be true. And then I act out and hurt people as a result.

I'm impulsive and self-sabotaging to an extent. I do have some impulsive spending habits and will make rash decisions when I'm upset. I have threatened suicide as a means to get someone to not leave me. I cut myself, not because I want to, but because I want those I love to see it and think twice about leaving me. I even called a suicide hotline when I wasn't feeling suicidal at all that way the cops would pick me up and take me to a psych ward so my boyfriend would hopefully feel bad and come back to me. It's fucked, I know.

I have a very hard time controlling my anger. When I'm upset, I'm very outward about it and often take it too far. I completely lose control and damage a lot of relationships because I forget to filter what I'm saying. Basically anything and everything I could possibly say to hurt someone, I will. This will even be when the person did absolutely nothing to deserve that sort of treatment. I always feel so ashamed afterwards for behaving the way I did. Along with that, I feel as if my emotions never come out correctly. I will feel a certain way, and believe I am putting off that emotion, but others perceive it otherwise and I just can't figure out why.

All of those could be characteristics of someone with BPD. Here, though, is where it gets tricky. I very much love to be the center of attention. If there is something awful happening to a friend or a coworker, I will often make up some lie or make something even worse happen to me that way the focus is back on me. I will go to whatever lengths necessary to have people talking about me. I've made up stories of abuse and countless things to make people feel bad for me. However, I don't want people to be thinking of me negatively. I want them to admire me, or be concerned for me. I feel ashamed if people are thinking of me in a bad way. I actually physically cannot stand it if someone doesn't like me. Even if I hate the person, I want them to think I'm the best thing ever.

I try to be a fairly flirty person, although I can be quite bad at flirting. Ideally, I would like everyone to be in love with me. I only actually want to love back a very select few. I will manipulate people into falling for me until I am bored of them or have moved on to someone new. I will often seek out several people at once to inflate my ego and give me constant validation. I am never concerned for the other person's feelings, as long as I get what I want. In any scenario, I really only care or empathize with people when it benefits me or affects me directly. I only apologize to people if their forgiveness will benefit me. I am extremely conscious of my physical appearance, but I'm not sure how much of that is normal and how much isn't.

I don't like when people are upset with me, I often get ten times more upset when they are simply for the fact that they are upset. In the moment, I will believe there is nothing I could have possibly done to upset this person. Sometimes, I realize I was acting in a way I shouldn't have, but most of the time I will still justify my wrongdoings. I'm very self-centered. I will be a shoulder to cry on for someone if it makes me look good in their eyes. I want to be everyone's favorite person, and I get very jealous when I'm not. I got mad at my FP once because he said he spoke with his grandma because she makes him feel better when he's sad. I was jealous, because I wanted to be the one and only person he would go to. I would get jealous of him even having friendships with other people. I am extremely possessive. It's unhealthy and drives people away. I am controlling and obsessive to an awful extent. It burns me up when I don't have complete control of a situation. I will try and try to gain control until I make myself look completely stupid.

I take advantage of other people as often as I can for my own personal gain. I am unable to even recognize when people have needs that contradict my own. All I can see is what I want, and what I need. Everything else is unimportant to me. I will pretend others' needs are important to me if it means they will view me in a higher light.

And to take everything a step further, I don't see killing as something that is out of the question to solve my problems. I have contemplated it. I once was so paranoid that my then boyfriend had feelings for someone else that I seriously considered just offing that person so he couldn't possibly develop any feelings towards them.

I feel as if I can love, though. I love very deeply and want nothing more than a romantic connection with someone. I want to be in love, get married, and  have a somewhat normal life with someone else. I crave a romantic relationship more than anything. I just recently ruined one, and he quite possibly may have been the only person I have ever truly cared for. The only person I have truly loved. In the back of my mind, I can't help but wonder what my true intentions and motivations were for loving this person. Was it out of selfishness? Did I just love having someone to validate me and inflate my ego? The thought of him with someone else sickens me. 

I don't know what the hell all of this means. I've heard of people exhibiting signs from several personality disorders, and I'm not sure if that's what this is. And if that is the case, that is annoying because it is hard enough to cope with and treat one. I just know that whatever it is is ruining my life. I am once again left with nobody because of my selfishness and paranoid overthinking. If anyone on here that has BPD can relate to some of the scenarios that aren't typically borderline, that would make me feel a lot better. Any advice is accepted! Sorry for the length, I kinda just dumped everything here.