Tw:trauma (?), abusive mom(?), mention of sharp objects, harm threats, mention of panic attack 


Hello so uhm as the tittle says; I’m really confused. I have clear memories of my mom threatening to cut my ears off if I didn’t kill her. I was smooched against the wall with the knife glued to my ear then forced into my hand.

 I remember that clearly because it’s something that happened as a punishment for a bad behavior I supposedly had in school when really I was just trying to fight back my bullies but anyways. This was tattooed into my brain so good that I became the best child you could ever wish for and never fought back or talked about my bullies. I just took every hits and if I ended in the hospital I tripped.

But recently I talked my mom while joking about how hard I remembered that and she immediately denied it. She got really mad and even my big sister (who gave the knife back then) confirmed that I was crazy and shouldn’t make up such stories. I was extremely confused and, even tho my brain was convinced it wasn’t a lie, I began to force myself to believe it was some type of dream.

But it happened again. My mom did it again to my little brother with sharp scissors and when I tried to help him (he’s 8) my mom shoved me against the wall and my big sister yelled that I should mind my own business (this time too she handed over the scissors). I had a huge panic attack that night for obvious reasons.

She then went on a rent on how bad her life was and how hard it was for her to be a single mom. She also said that she was truly doing her best even after going through a lot. My big sister forced me and my little brother to apologize with her. My mom did not apologize; she never does. Did we even have to apologize?

After that everyone started to act as if nothing happened and it’s a common thing in my house: they always act like nothing happened and if you bring it up they shut you down. Since that night I fear my mom might come and actually kill me in my sleep; I already had sleep paralysis and night terrors so that did not help.

Here’s my question: 

Is everything even real ?
Or is it just me overreacting?
Why are they acting like nothing happened?
Did anything even happen?

Is it my fault ? It must be. It always is.