I’m constantly pushing people away. I don’t know if it’s conscious, subconscious, whatever. I just know that the people I like the most are the people that leave me. I also know that I’m the sole reason for that. I don’t know if it’s because I’m so mind numbingly negative that it makes them want to jump off a cliff to speak to me or because I’m doing so many dangerous things that they don’t want to see me kill myself. There is SO MUCH SHIT going on in my life that I can’t help but attach to people who are either going through similar or understand from their past and yet I can never maintain a friendship with them. Why? Is it that I constantly cling and subconsciously ask for validation? Is it that they don’t want to see me ruin my life? Is it that they genuinely don’t give a shit? When they first meet me usually they actually want to speak and talk for hours but it gets less and less. Usually rapidly. And I’m left feeling... well... left. Alone. Needing drugs, alcohol, self harm etc to cope. This can’t be my life. If this cycle is never ending and there is nothing for me but pain on this planet then I’ll have no option but to commit suicide. And that’s real talk. Because there’s too much fuckin pain for me to continue. But then there’s the reasons that I tell to others to keep them going. The little things. The happy moments. The minuscule moments of joy you get from living a life of unbearable pain. Is that what I hold on to? Because that’s not good enough. I want it over. And I can’t turn to my fp and say any of this shit because they will undoubtedly leave- which will result in me either finding a new fp or me dead. The first only continues the cycle and the second I don’t actually want. I JUST WANT THE PAIN TO STOP. And there is too much of it now. I don’t enjoy life. I’m miserable, cold, lonely, a drug addict, and only 18 years old. I’ve failed at life. The only thing that can sustain me is music and my love for it is diminishing. Like the drugs can only work as long as my body is conscious, the music only drowns it out for as long as my ears can hold headphones. Then I’m left in the silence. Life is too painful. I won’t do it. I won’t kill myself. And I’m determined at that. I don’t know why. Perhaps because I’m scared that what lies beyond is worse. But I need an end to the pain. One mind only takes so much.