I’ve (35m) been diagnosed since HS. I’ve always been very social and relatively well functioning, but have also dealt with an underlying feeling of inadequacy and insecurity linked to never living up to my potential.

A little over a year ago, I was diagnosed with depression, however, the diagnosis came too late to save my marriage. My wife was already checked out after 8 years of dealing with the classic symptoms (impulse control, lack of followthrough, broken promises, no consistency). She asked for a separation while I was in inpatient treatment, as she realized how much more free she felt without having to worry about me. I always loved her, always respected her, and she walked out on me because she could no longer allow my deficiencies to weigh her down.

Now, three months after being served papers, I’m just wondering if I’ll ever be the functioning adult necessary to have a family of my own. I’m also concerned that even if I do become my “better self” that I’ll never find someone I love as much as I loved my wife. All the anxieties and fears have lead to constant barrage of what if ruminations and passive suicidal ideations.

I’m such a fuckup, I hate myself, and despite therapy and medication, I’m having a hard time seeing any light at the end of the tunnel.