Lately I have felt so numb and empty, like life is just going on for no reason. I just graduated with my first college degree a couple weeks ago and feel nothing. I was just recently diagnosed with BPD after being wrongly diagnosed with bipolar disorder and anxiety for over 7 years. We completely changed all of my medication, which seem to be helping my sleep but nothing else. I have no interest in anything and often wonder why I don’t kill myself, not sure what’s stopping me. 
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3.5 years, he has always been able to keep me calm or ignore my outbursts, but lately I’ve felt very disconnected which I rarely have before. We live together and I’ve had day dreams about moving away. Past relationships have never been this steady and healthy, am I just seeking self destruction?
I also cant stop dissociating. I never look like myself in the mirror and I am constantly distracted from whatever I’m doing. It sucks being alone for christmas eve. I miss the few family members I knew how to maintain a relationship with. 
I started a new job recently that I enjoy, but it’s so hard to actually go. I lost my last two jobs, first I failed a drug test for weed and the second I was too depressed to leave bed and show up. I have nobody to talk to since my boyfriend and I work opposite shifts and don’t have much time to sit down. I don’t like to talk things over with him sometimes I realize how crazy I am since he is always so rational. He can be a good listener but still wont show me anyone can understand what I am feeling. 
I feel nothing and everything all at once. 
I am always so impulsive and regret my decisions often. I just need someone to show me I’m not alone, but honestly life feels that way. 
Does anyone else ever feel fine for a bit then your whole world has suddenly ended?
