The last few weeks I have been hit with old memories that have felt so shameful. Tonight I was just hit with one that made me so fucking angry about my ex. I used to excuse his behavior because of the “underlying love” and how he’d always come back. I just “realized” that he was one of the most abusive and cruel people in my life. I will never know why, I will never know his reasoning, and that pisses me off too.

I feel trapped in my body, trapped in my routine, trapped by my feelings. The amount of trauma I have endured has beaten me down and I am so exhausted and numb that I no longer feel intense emotion. I have this dull sense of fear and rage and worry. My body feels heavy. I am living at home so I can get my act together financially, but I don’t know how I am going to survive 4 more months of this. I don’t feel like an adult woman, I feel like a walking bruise.