 Throwaway for insecurity reasons.

I'm a 22 year old guy with Aspergers never had a job or girlfriend and sit at home all day playing games.

I've been feeling extremely lost lately due to the pandemic, with no idea for what I want to do in the future and the uncertainty is killing me. I did well in college (UK college haven't been to university as I don't like committing to things I don't know what I want to do for sure, which is part of the problem) but have been sat doing nothing for the past year and a half. I sit here comparing myself to other people my age all the time, thinking how much more mature they are than me , how far they are in life, etc.

I fear other people's perceptions too much to the point where it's crippling. I base everything I do on how it's perceived by others, from the way I dress to what job I want to do. I guess I'm narcissistic or something? To put this in to perspective I actively push away things I actively like to do because I think 'x wouldn't do this and therefore I shouldn't' like I remove the agency from my own life and base my existence on the satisfaction of others. Feeling my life drift away in front of me and wanting to make changes but feeling like I'm being held down and unable to do so is unbearable.

I've also felt increasingly disconnected from everything, like in a weird way where I feel like I don't exist, don't connect with anything I used to connect to and nothing phases me anymore. While this at first seemed pretty good to me I now realize it's probably a symptom of depression.

I don't know what I expect from this, I've suffered from depression for most of my life but this has the worst it has been to the point where I'm slowly becoming numb to everything and it's quite scary at this point.