I'm 16 (almost 17), I have 2 suicide attempts sadly, the reason why there isn't a new one is my family and girlfriend, I don't want them to go through so much pain, but the pain I go through every day is exhausting, I have gone to the point of thinking about becoming a bad person so people won't miss me. I've had a self-harm addiction for 2 years and I feel like its getting worst, I hide it from my family and gf but it's hard to do so with my parents, I can't imagine a future where I don't do it or where I'm happy, the moments where I'm happy don't last long. 

sometimes my heart hurts so much I wanna rip it and tear it apart, looking in the mirror is depressing because I hate everything I see, even the scars I did on myself. I wished I didn't have to eat. I have been thinking about cutting my neck very deep, not in a suicidal way, I just like to see scars on myself, but yet I hate them, I hurt myself because I don't think I will live long enough for my children or random people to know. I haven't brushed my teeth in 4 days and haven't showered in 5, I've gone to the point of not showering in a whole week, for me it's normal but when I tell people they think I'm a dirty scum.

I don't know if I want to die, I've been feeling numb these days, and idk what to do about it, I have a straight face all the time and little things can make me laugh or sad, and if I'm happy or sad its doesn't last long. I just feel like I'm going downhill again, I was doing good a month ago, I didn't cut, I ate enough, I showered, I talked to people, but know I have no motivation, I don't wanna get bad again, I'm just a kid, I'm young and I live like this already, I have low hopes on my future