 

I have a weird aversion to sex and masturbation, and every time I think about how other people engage in these behaviors, it sends me into a state of panic. It has gotten to the point where I am afraid of physical proximity with other people because I'm aware they probably do these things, and my brain essentially treats them as a gigantic germ that will contaminate me. I can't even see people for anything besides those things, and I tend to let sexual behaviors define an entire person, pushing all nuance out the door and leaving me feeling nothing but disgust for them. I think this might partially be a projection of my unhealthy relationship with myself. I used to masturbate a lot because there was a voice in my head telling me I had to, and it led to a lot of pain and frustration and made me feel like I was just a spectator for all my actions, erasing any impression that I really had a choice in anything I did. I vividly remember masturbating in uncomfortable settings and just wanting it to be over, and I never want to feel like that again. When I hear about people normalizing masturbation, I feel physically sick, even though I'm aware that there is nothing inherently harmful about it. I just want this to end. My fears constantly loom over me nearly every minute of the day, and it's basically the focal point of my being now. I stopped talking to one of my closest friends because they talked about masturbation. I started wearing gloves constantly so that I wouldn't be able to see my fingers and think about how powerless I am in my own body and feel disgusted by my deeds. I can't even look at words on a screen without thinking about how people typed them with their fingers, and how they might have used their fingers for sexual behaviors, so the words themselves are contaminated too. I just want this to end, and I don't know what to do. It is making me miserable and using up all my energy.

Edit: I really don't want to come off as foolish. I'm aware of how irrational my feelings around this are, but I just can't seem to free myself from them. It feels like an insult to my intelligence and it has become a hindrance to my ability to empathize with others. My ordeal sounds dumb when I compare it to other people's much more concrete problems, but no matter how much I tell myself that it is all in my head, it still impacts me greatly.