Hi, my first language is not english, so i'm sorry for the typos.

I'm a 26 years old male in Mexico, it's 4 am here, but i can't sleep, i don't get my mind out of the things that hurt me the most, i think i'm losing the battle against depression and anxiety, i just feel so overwhelmed, the only reason cause i haven't killed myself is my mom, i could not make her pass thru that, is the only thing keeping me here on earth. I really hate everything about my life, myself and everything that has ever occur on my life. I'm trying to sleep with my girlfriend, but she is just not the one for me, i don't feel that kind of love for her. I sometimes remeber my ex girlfriend, the girl that made me loved her, all the time, chemistry and stuff until i found some messages and then later i found out she was cheatting on me with several man, i haven't been able to rebound from that, i have just lost all my confidence and security, i hate her, she made me hate my life and my self. When we broke up, she ended up takin away one of my beloved friend, he betrayed me and told my secrets and never even once looked for me after the break up, that shit hurts me a lot, i loved that dude, but he just didn't care that much for me, and then i found out my ex was gossiping and having fun about my "friend" and others didn't talked to me or even checked up on me after the break up, and she was laughing that they prefered to be with her than me, altough they were my friends at the beginning and i introduced them to her. I feel betrayed by everyone, i can't stand being lonely, i met a girl and i fell for her but my ex girlfriend is a ghost on my shoulder and everytime that something good happens in my life, my mind brings her back and i feel misserable again, i can't love my girlfriend the same way she loves me, i feel too broken to love someone else, i don't even think i love myself anymore. I tried to have "goals" as my therapist said, but no goal of mine is working out, i feel more misserable and shit than before, even when i'm taking antidepressents and anxiety meds, but they don't work on me or i'm just too fucked up to be repaired. I just want to end my pain now, to never feel this shitty feelings ever again, i can't stand them, and when i try to get rid of them by crying or something, my body doesn't want to obey and i just end up keeping my negative feelings in and they break me up every time they want, they are a cancer and i'm just sick of it, i'm 26 years old and i have been in depression since i was 16, my ex girlfriend helped me get rid of it like for 2 years, but since im not with her, my old nemesis came back and it just instaled on my mind and is controllig every move of mine.

I'm sorry for the long post, i just wanted to write and write and let somethings go away, i don't think nobody will read it anyways, i'm just not that important in any matter and i just feel like i need to be brave and kill myself when i get the chance. But if someone ever reads me, i will love to read any ideas or support you may offer, sorry for being annoying