I've never been diagnosed with an ED as I've never really brought it up with therapist etc. But recently I feel I have been using disordered eating as a method of self harm. 

After restricting and then eventually giving into to a binge last night I wanted to punish and hurt myself for being so disgusting. All of it had to come out and I wanted it to be painful and uncomfortable. It feels cathartic in a way if I do this. Swaps one guilt with another. 

I have recently had a referal for another around of therapy which is probably not going to work. But the questionnaire was triggering. Asking about family history and early life. Significant people. Previous therapies. Urgh Just reminds me that nothing works and my life is always going to be shit.