I just don’t want to. And I haven’t wanted to. In all my 24 years of life I legitimately do not recall a moment where I felt like I wanted to be alive. Having intrusive and compulsive negative thoughts from a young age really helped with that I guess. Sure there’ve been fleeting moments where I thought life was kinda cool or enjoyable at times, but none of those would change my mind about whether if I were to be given the choice to painlessly off myself right now to do so. Being instinctively afraid of pain is probably the only thing keeping me here honestly. I’ve seen psychs, I’ve tried different meds for years, nothing seems to help. Exercise, travelling, hobbies, nothing seems worth the effort vs. lying in bed doing nothing. I’d just be lying in bed in a different albeit new place or more tired from pushing myself through exercise. Ultimately the problem is myself, I know. It’s just that after so long of trying to care and seeing no improvements, I’m burned out. If I’m struggling this much in the supposed prime of my life I’d hate to see what’ll happen after. That and, well, I’ve just given up.