a lot happened today. I need to vent it all out.

so, I started a ldr with someone I met online and haven't met in person. we got close sexually and romantically for almost 2 months. it got rocky and we split because of my bpd but slowly started to get back together I guess? not rly anything romantic lately but lots of talking. but now he is being very insensitive towards my mental health and i think i have to drop him. it hurts. badly. but I can't keep letting people run me over. (this is the friend from my last post)

yesterday, I spent my halloween getting high, watching stranger things with said ex? for two episodes (when we were supposed to binge it) until he left to play destiny. then I called one of my friends but ended up going to sleep. at 6 o'clock. what a fuckin life, right? woke up feeling like shit and like my life is basically meaningless. 

I've been texting this girl lately and decided to ask her out today. I thought it'd be fine even though we're both awkward and haven't been on a date before...but she rejected me. she said she wanted to focus on school. I want to believe it. I do. but some part of me just keeps screaming that I'm unwanted. I got my hopes up so much for this girl and it all came crashing down. I want someone to love and love me back.

yesterday I had the munchies and ate a shit ton of candy. and did the same today which makes me feel both physically and mentally sick. I know I'm not fat, but when I look in the mirror, all I see is a giant stomach. 

on the bright side, I'm attempting and sort of succeeding in building friendships with a girl from school and a coworker. it's very hard for me because I haven't had close friends for a while..everyone lets me down or they talk behind my back and i drop them. I'm trying to forgive and forget.

writing everything out really helps. I'm trying to combat my irrational behaviors and stop the self destructive ones altogether. one day at a time.

