So I’m relatively attractive and just outgoing enough to attract others. Though, I find myself pushing every and anyone away once they get too close. Seriously, I’m 29 (female) and am still a virgin because I’ve only been in 1 relationship that obliterated me for years after it fell apart. 
Now I always push people away because I feel like I’m tricking them. I tell them I have BPD but the don’t GET it. They love me now but when I have an episode, they’ll be horrified, and I’ll be the demon. Anytime I’m close to starting a relationship, I panic. I feel like I tricked them into liking me, &amp; who they know as me.. isn’t me. The screaming heap of mess crying on the floor surrounded by broken plates is me. No one deserves me.