This is gonna be a relatively long post, but someone please hear me out. I’m a college student (22F), and obviously school has been online for a while now so I’ve been back home for the last year. I’m finally moving back to my college town in a week, but I can’t shake the idea that something horrible will happen when I do.

To be more specific, I’ve basically identified a pattern in my head to convince myself that someone will pass away if I go. I realized that every time I move back college, I get a phone call from someone saying that someone passed away. I’m a transfer student at my college, and within the first few days of me moving to school, my great grandfather passed. When I came back to school after winter break, I got the news that Kobe died, and that was also really hard for obvious reasons. I went back last September (ended up having to go home for the rest of the year for unrelated reasons), and my mom called me saying that my dog was sick and she thought that we had to put her down (we ended up NOT having to do that, but my brain is telling me that it doesn’t matter).

Now, I finally get the chance to go back to college and start living my life again, but my anxiety is telling me that something bad will happen if I do. What if I get another call when I leave? I’m honestly considering just staying home to make sure that everyone will be safe. However, I know I can’t stay home forever. I’ll have to move because there are no opportunities in my small hometown. I want to get a start my career and go to grad school, but now I’m literally putting my life on hold because of anxiety and I hate it.

Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this? I just want to believe that it’s genuinely all in my head :(