Depression just kicked in after a loooong mania then mixed episode. I've been in self-destruction mode for quite some time now, really ever since I got back to work after quarantine. I'm glad I have this sub bc I feel so alone, despite being a bartender and talking to hundreds of people every week. I'm tired of lying and saying "I'm well, how are you?" It's a fucking lie. I lie a minimum of 200 times a week. I'm not well. I'm not even okay. I'm in pain. Having an invisible disability is tough. Some people think I'm grouchy for no reason. There's a reason. I'm f*cking tired of having bipolar. Wishing I was stable, or even manic, fuck it. This depression heavy. I think I lost like 10 pounds in a couple weeks bc of the stress and not even wanting food. I only eat bc I *have* to. And I'm not sleeping well. Was up for 36 hours yesterday. Basically on probation at my job bc of my fuck ups during this cycle. I don't even care. Honestly I wish they'd fire me. I hate my jobs that I once enjoyed. Everything feels pointless. Waiting for my meds to kick back in. Just a waiting game now. F^@k.

Just needing some love from people who understand 😥😢🥺 hope everyone is doing well ❤