i absolutely love my bf/fp to death and i want to be able to do for him like he does for me but lately he’s been pissing me off incredibly and making me uncomfortable and i guess it’s my own fault because i don’t talk to him about my problems but it’s only because i don’t wanna burden him and also my past is extremely blurry to me and i live in a constant state of “did that actually happen or did i just exaggerate it?”

being intimate with him lately has been really hard for me. he has an excessive sex drive and for someone like me with little to no or very spotty sexual interest it’s hard to keep up. often times ive found myself just laying there and letting him do what he wants because i don’t really care. other times when i try to do this i just end up having full blown meltdowns when he’s in me and it freaks him out so he just ends up holding me while i lay there uncomfortably and cry hysterically. 

sex in general is hard for me and kind of ruined by my first bf because he was just. horrible to me and would guilt trip me into having sex with him by ignoring me or catching me when he noticed i was either dissociating or regressing and wouldn’t say no to him. he would threaten me that he’d purposefully get me pregnant so i couldnt leave him and he would also threaten to kill himself or stalk me if i ever left him so i did anything to try and make him happy because it got to a point where i was genuinely afraid of him. 

even though ive been far away from this person for years, for some reason he’s always at the forefront of my mind when someone else is touching me and i hate it. part of me feels like i should just tell my fp why i have the emotions that i do but im just going to feel stupid because reflecting back, what’s traumatic to me doesnt even seem like itd be that bad to other people lol

on top of that all he’s been asking me when i’ll give him oral and before i told him it’s something i’d work on but he asked me again last night and completely killed my vibe so i haven’t talked to him all day. he had the audacity to ask me why i could so it to my ex gf but not him and idk how to make him understand that 1.) i don’t like having things in my mouth like that, it makes me anxious and 2.) i dont have trauma with women the way i do with men so what i did do with her was an entirely different story. 

aside from my ex bf, it’s likely i have some trauma as a child and just don’t really remember (as ive seemed to block out moat of my childhood in general) other than little tidbits here and there that i cant actually officially call a memory which is why i don’t bring it up in case im mistaken. i feel like half the things i do remember are fake though tbh even though i have people who can corroborate them. i know being gaslit my whole life definitely doesn’t help me determine reality from fiction lol

all in all, it hurts that i exist and have people look at me sexually when i dont want to be. literally all my life ive felt ive been good for one thing and that’s fucking lol i don’t wanna feel that way. i dont wanna feel like my only asset is my body anymore. i dont want to put myself in situations that harm me for the benefit of others because all it does is make me repress my problems even more. i just wish i knew how to properly communicate any of this without fear of rejection or criticism