Diagnosed late August 2019, therapy and med treatment plans began early March 2020. I am 35 years old. 

I’d started out doing every week with therapy. What I noticed is that every week, I was getting thrown into a complete whirlwind of processing and CBT/DBT tweaks to my thought processing and behavior, often a new one each week, and I was getting overwhelmed. My therapist - please please believe this isn’t a humble brag, I’m legitimately asking for help from you - has said I’m highly intelligent and seem to be very self motivated to repair my own mind, that those traits has helped me figure a lot of it out on my own, even though I haven’t been able to change some of the more latent stuff. Like I was able to stop my drug and drink binges or giving into some of my impulses or lying... but black and white thinking and other stuff like self hate and anxiety, I can’t do it on my own. 

My dad died in August of 2019. It is a really horrible story. Too long for here but we were estranged and... just, it was really truly horrible, you’ll have to take my word for it. I have already gone to type and deleted like twelve times. My mom died in late 2005. Point being, an extremely abusive and neglectful childhood is what caused my BPD, there is 0 doubt there. So I’m double processing grief and unresolved anger about their deaths while trying to do things like the CBT practices of get the anger out regarding the abuse and neglect. 

I’m falling apart here, man. 

So I told my therapist today that I couldn’t keep up the pace. That I am overwhelmed and I’m cracking. Therapist said “I just saw how motivated you were and I ran with it,” and continued to say we would slow the pace and try every two weeks. 

So my question is I guess two questions. First, does needing to slow down mean that I am no longer motivated? I know I might be reading into it, but maybe I’m not. Second, for those of you who are later in the path of therapy... holy mother of god does it ever get better?

I spent my entire life building walls and packing boxes and now every time I even think about talking about any of it or how to cope when I have flashbacks (Comorbidity CPTSD, GAD) I just spazz the frick out. I handled the sessions ok until we actually got into my rage and my fear. Now I’m like noooooope and have panic attacks when it’s time for the phone call (thanks to COVID). I’m just worried I’ll be stuck forever, I guess. 

Thanks for listening, even if you don’t answer or reply. I’m just kind of glad to put it out there  


- the unmotivated blob.