I live in a country where I went to go get help for my sexual abuse I experienced and they said I could go and claim compensation. Like Thank you.  I haven't seen positive money in my bank account for over three years but I am privileged enough (thank you god whoever like so fucking much like fuck) that I don't have to accept money for being fucked against my will, for being fingered whilst crying. 


I keep imaging like. I am sooooo short of money sure. I have nooooothing but I have my family money that I don't have to rely on myself. 

I can't imagine how horrible I'd feel if I had to pay for food with money from being sexually abused. I'd feel sick af. Who in the hell god damn world would be able to feel like they could eat toast knowing the money came from abuse, it makes me so sad.


The one god damn thing the boy who abused me taught me was that you could make potato waffles in a god damn toaster. &amp; hun you can. 

I hate my life I do, I know I should be grateful. I'm a rich white lady but I've been abused n raped so many times that I'm like I hate this.

My two friends last week told me well at least we are women its better to be aware than to be ignorant. IS IT?! Idk it is. I'd rather be a fucking cis white fucking straight upper class male that hasn't been raped and sexually abused a bunch of times. Fuck me I'm sorry to wish for more privilege. I know that they haven't been sexually abused and I think maybe it's really fucking easy to say I'd rather be aware and abused than igorant and unaware if you haven't been abused be F me it hurt.

It hurt so bad. It hurt my whole life away.
Lucky fucking them. Stupid fucking them they don't have to think red rum murder every time it's dark n they gotta walk shop to get butter.

Mad lucky them every time someone shouts and whistles at them in the street and they don't worry that that dude could approach them and hurt them if they wanted to with nothing stopping them.

I have a lot of anger and it's at men and it's at my family. I'm sorry men. I'm sorry. But i don't understand you. I know i need a male therapist. 

Every bad thing that's ever happened to me I can trace back to the hands of a man i wish i had you. I do.