I have cultivated this persona of being a FIERCELY independent, strong, no nonsense bitch (in a good way).  Sometimes, I can internalize being that person.  But, in reality- I am a mental mess.  I hide behind this ‘tough’ person because she is what everyone wants to see.

No one wants to see the ‘real’ me.  The one that sobs in the shower so no one can hear her (and then feels worse because no one cared enough to check on her).  The one that can catastrophize anything in a millisecond (seriously...if I could harness that power for good...). I’m hypervigalant about others emotions, but I can misplace something I set down 3 seconds ago.  

People think I’m so strong, social, ‘together’- that I’m completely ignored/invalidated when I make (or try to make) my feelings known.  This just reinforces in me that I’m not worth fighting for/people don’t give a shit about me.

I want SO DESPERATELY to be that person that I put out to the world.  But, when I am in an extremely bad place, and my mask inadvertently slips, people are so HORRIFIED by what they see.  They run or - worse- they ignore.  It makes me feel so isolated, alone, disposable and worthless.  

I worry about other people SO MUCH, and I can’t understand what is so horrible about me that no one feels the same.  No one wants or even cares enough about the real me and how miserable and unloved she is.  They only care about the fake me- the one that doesn’t even exist.