I have a close friend with depression who just spent the past two months in inpatient after he had a psychotic episode. He's just about the only person I share (some of) my true feelings with: he's the only person I've ever showed my self harm, the only person that I talk to about how tired I am of life, and the only person I've told about (one of) my suicide attempt(s). Most of the time, I'm so high functioning that people don't see that there's something wrong with me. I'm good at hiding my self harm and good at navigating social situations even when I'm dissociating and just hear voices telling me to kill myself in my head.  

  

So when I found out that he was in inpatient, I got so...jealous. Because I'm so fucked up, I'm incapable of telling anyone what I'm feeling, or at worst, I actively cover it up. So I can't really tell anyone that I really just need a fucking break from all this "reality" business, that although I though I would love college, I really need to take a semester off (or more) because these last two have been the worst months of my life. I thought after my last suicide attempt about going to the hospital and showing them and telling them everything, and just allowing someone to finally lift this weight off of me, but I couldn't, and now I've just spent 2 months hiding a nice red scar line on my wrist so nobody will ever know.  

  

What makes me jealous isn't just the fact that he was hospitalized, but the how. His brain took over: he had a psychotic episode: they *had* to hospitalize him: it was no longer his choice. Every time I fail a suicide choice, it's like Life throws everything back on my shoulders--"So, *now* are you going to tell them?" And I always know the answer--"no, I'll never tell them, I'd sooner try my hand at suicide again." I want what my friend had--for my brain to do the work for me; I want to have delusions and hallucinations; I want to break down in front of everyone; I want help, because they way I'm going right now, I'll never get it, no matter how many times I slit my wrists or hang myself.  

  

Sorry this was mostly a rant, I wasn't exactly sure how I felt until I wrote this. Here's to wanting a breakdown, because my brain is fucked up!