(M31) I don't know what to do anymore. Yet again lost another relationship to my shitty mental health. I wish people around me knew how I felt inside. I feel so fucking empty all the time. I don't think I have ever liked myself. I can't get over this last girl because my brain just works against me. Constantly dreaming of her being with someone else that doesn't fucking struggle to want to be alive everyday.

I'm in therapy but I feel even she's sick of me. My therapist wants me to try this ECT therapy but shocking my brain seems sketchy. I've tried all types of meds. Tried working out, eating better, not drinking so much. I'm just fucking exhausted. I cry all the fucking time and idk how to not feel like shit over losing this girl because she was one of my best friends. Not only that but it brings back to the surface all the years of not wanting to be here to begin with. I've always wanted to kill myself but I just keep staying alive to not ruin anyone's life. I fucking hate everything I'm feeling and I hate being here. I'm getting close to the end I think. At least closer than I have ever been before.