This is going to be fucking long.

So I am a 25 year old female, my ex is a 26 male. We have known each other for about 10 years. When I turned 19 we started to become really good friends went out a lot, talked about anything and everything literally never fought or messed around our friendship was perfect. In 2013 we got together after I got out of a shitty relationship...it was intense I fell in love so fast and I truly believe that he is/was  my first true love. Things kept happening in my life that I started to feel
 This shift of change and I didn't know what else to do but fucking destroy myself and he helped that a lot. We started to become toxic...he would always think I'm cheating drive by my work to make sure I was really there...full on fights physical and emotional and we have both have put hands on each other (he will not admit this but I'd always have Bruises so you know, proof is in the pudding) so his constant "your cheating on me" made ME think that he was really the one cheating I became obsessive with it, would look at the phone records, go through his phone, and did his favorite drive by his work...and now it's just a constant he said she said "YOU CHEATED ON ME" It's so exhausting especially when I have absolutely no desire to go fuck someone...if I have a conversation with a friend through text he will leave and go get high with a girl and hangout...he took this girl on a date before we started going out and I just don't think that's ok...he made it so bad for me that I can't leave my house, I don't talk to any friends because the constant fear of being accused....but he can go hang out with that girl. It breaks me completely destroys me....they talk about me everything about me...my breakdowns, my counseling, our sex life, my meds, suicide attempts literally fucking everything. But if I talk to my long time friend since I knew when I was 9 I'm fucking him...it's really just a fucking mind fuck. 
He also has mental illness but will not get help his anger is bad but of course mine is worse.... should I just let go? I feel like if I stay with him I'm going end up killing myself. And look I've done a lot of fucked up shit to him but he's no angel...
Just last night after fighting so much he came over and  (he's been kinda moved out) laid with me and cuddled with me and said "I know you can't control this I've been reading a lot about this" and "I promise I'll never leave you"
 YEAH THOSE WORDS THAT MAKE ALL OF US FUCKING CUM INSTANTLY.
and then this morning we got in a fight and he said he can't do this anymore that I am ruining his life...but maybe we both are? I just want him to stop leading me on its fucked up what he puts me through and then wonder why I have a complete fucking breakdown...