I’ve always struggled with my weight due to PCOS and other chronic health issues, but BPD makes my self esteem and body image issues so much worse…. I truly despise myself 90% of the time.

I lost 65 pounds a couple years ago and was praised for it, even though it was the result of eating 300 calories a day and working out constantly. Until that point, I had never received praise about my body… only criticism. Losing weight as quickly as I did, and in the way I did it, led to chronic health issues.

Flash forward, I’m at the highest weight I’ve been since I initially lost it (still not my highest weight in general though… yay… I guess?) and I absolutely fucking hate myself and my body. I have moments where I like it then I split on myself and mentally shred every aspect of my appearance. I thought about doing my “crash” diet again just to lose the weight, even though I know it’s harmful. I try to focus on what happened because of the way I previously dieted, but my brain doesn’t care.

I hate myself and don’t know what to do about it anymore.