Nothing feels real, it feels like I'm constantly looking at a video or a movie. I had a great day today and swam at a pool. But it felt like I was watching my family have fun more than I.

I just felt like a camera, constantly recording. I dont know how to even put myself into the fun, I dont even know if I have a desire for it. I dont think I have a desire for anything aside from eating and sleeping and cuddling with my partner. 

Im only alive so I dont hurt the people I love, so I dont make my partner kill themselves. But God its so nice to think about it. If I could just sleep forever.

It feels like I'm constantly sleeping inside of myself, and I cant really move. Everything feels sye, like im breathing under a blanket, everything feels room temperature no matter how hot or cold it is. Im never stimulated in any sort of way unless im with my partner.
I'll never not feel this way, I've felt this way since I was 15, there's no way anything is going to change. I'll never be excited by anything. I'll always be chasing things that I know I used to love and be excited for, but end up disappointed and even deeper into my misery. I won't ever be able to enjoy anything but eating, and my partner. 

At least I have that much though, it could be much worse, im lucky I actually have someone who loves me. But still, I've given up. I can feel myself rotting and decaying, like im already being eaten alive by worms and worms and worms and worms. There's nothing that can stop the worms, not when im buried beneath the surface, and everyone else has moved on from me. I surrender.