Hey there. I don't really feel like I have anyone to talk to at the moment, so I figured I make a post.
I've had a miserable day. The kind of miserable that is completely empty and devoid of meaning. Nothing bad happened. I just woke up completely exhausted, took my anti-depressants and wished to die, to not do this anymore.
I sleep badly most of the time, go to bed too late and wake up too late and exhausted.
I am a university student, so I'm basically always at least a little stressed. 
Thing is, I am almost done with my master's degree but I really don't care for it anymore. I don't really care for much nowadays anyway, but that's beside the point.

I also won't care much about working life, I know that for sure. Nothing I do is truly fulfiling, not really, and I don't think that will change. I feel extremely powerless to change my life, I'm not disciplined enough for an exercise routine or to adopt a healthy sleep cycle.

I have this quirk where I just isolate myself because other people are just a hassle. Now and then, like today, I wake up from my foggy thoughts of self loathing to realize I've pushed most people I would call friends away due to being too distant. Can't say I blame them. Can't say it's wrong, I feel so empty that I don't manage to care for many people, I don't think I've ever really felt close to anyone without being hurt, so not only do I isolate myself, I also somewhere along the line lost the feeling of true empathy, I only ever pretended I think.

I have a relationship, but she lives a few hours away, and at the moment she is too busy to help, she has her own stuff to deal with. My family is there for me, sure, but I don't feel like I can give anything back. My sisters are both pregnant at the moment, that is more important. Our family will grow, I'll be uncle soon for the fourth time. I still owe my niece a visit to the natural history museum to look at the dinosaurs.

The pandemic made it worse, I isolated myself further and I can't ger back out. Also the forseeable climate crisis, nothing good will come in the collective future, especially not in my individual future.

Every therapist I call doesn't take any more patients in, it's like everyone is depressed. I can't get therapeutic help, I already was semi-stationary, but it didn't help.

I don't know how long I can pretend to be okay. Like I don't think about ending it every day. I have nothing to look forward to, not even my relationship, that is going to fail sooner or later if I don't get better, and I don't think I will.

I've started to make plans. I don't want to die, but also I don't want to keep living like this, it's like I am trapped.