Maybe I’m just venting. I know I’m self medicating by drinking. 

My husband took his life 10-11-21. He also had mental illness, adhd, likely bpd… seeing that has drastically changed me. I lost my job. Had to live with my parents at 29. I am a failure. I know it. I have no money, everything I have is because of my parents. I don’t want to put them through this. I don’t know how else to handle life. Every second feels like an ice pick to my skull. But it doesn’t kill me, it just hurts.

I feel worthless. Right now I’m very worried I will follow through on my idealization of driving into the mountains and hiking for a day, than putting myself down like a horse with a broken leg. I know I should entertain these thoughts. I am medicated, I haven’t stopped medication. Things just keep getting worse.

I can’t put my family through the same thing I saw when my husband took his life. I hope every night I won’t wake us. But I always do. Life to me equals pain, and I don’t want that pain anymore.