I'm so happy that the previous post about [The Inner Child and BPD](https://www.reddit.com/r/BPD/comments/ftubo5/bpd_and_the_inner_child/) was useful for some people SO I've transcribed another Instagram post from [The Holistic Psychologist](https://www.instagram.com/the.holistic.psychologist/) on codependency that i've personally found equally insightful about the nature of BPD. Definitely give her a follow if you like it :)

As one of the defining characteristics of being a pwBPD is having relationships that can often be turbulent, I've found that sometimes, in an attempt to try and keep and maintain relationships we can often lose ourselves in them. Leading to so many other unhealthy behavioural patterns.

If we work on building our own identity, along with self love and respect it means we can keep a healthy impression of ourselves/wants/needs/desires, and amongst LOTS of other things, stop second-guessing and trust that we are worthy of the love we are given... making us less likely to test or push away our partners in an effort to decipher if it's really real\*

&amp;#x200B;

\*son 🎶🐝

\----

Codependency is the chronic neglect of self in order to gain approval, love, validation, or self identity through another person.

We learn co-dependency patterns through our family dynamics where there was enmeshment.

Enmeshment is a term to describe any relationships where there is a lack of boundaries &amp; the emotions of one family member is felt by all family members in repeated cycles.

**The result is:**

1. The belief that we are responsible for the emotions of others.
2. A lack of an authentic self *(self only exists through the responses of another person)*
3. Chronic fear of how people will respond to you *(often labelled as “social anxiety disorder”)*

**Signs of co-dependency:**

1. Low self-worth/self image.
2. People pleasing *(inability to say “no”)*
3. Lack of boundaries.
4. Child-like fantasies that someone can save of fix you from your life.
5. Chronic care taking as distraction *(patterns of putting everyone before self)*
6. Emotional addiction *(addicted relationships where there is a rollercoaster cycle of repeated emotional experiences)*
7. Inability to understand/clearly communicate your thoughts, feelings &amp; emotions.
8. Chronic fear of upsetting someone *(the feeling of “walking on eggshells” around people)*
9. High emotional reactivity to life situations.
10. Controlling the behaviours of other to “feel ok”
11. Obsessive thinking about what other people think of you.

&amp;#x200B;

Having co-dependency patterns is nothing to be ashamed of. Most of us were raised in homes where family members focused on someone else (even if that person engaged in toxic behaviour) in order to get their emotional needs met. We learned &amp; repeated this pattern.

**To heal from co-dependency we must learn how to:**

1. Set boundaries with self &amp; others.
2. Spend time alone.
3. Spend time doing something just for us (creating, dancing, exploring)
4. Spend time in inner reflection *(journaling, meditating, doing breath work)*
5. Learn what our needs are *(asking our inner child what we need then practice meeting those needs)*

&amp;#x200B;

The most important relationship we have is the relationship with ourselves. It shapes every other relationship we have. Our path of healing is to re-learn &amp; reconnect with ourselves before we were conditioned to believe others created our sense of self.

After re-connecting with self we can begin to build healthy, authentic relationships with others &amp; heal our co-dependency through interdependent relationships.

**Interdependent relationships look like:**

1. A safe, secure attachment between two people to be vulnerable.
2. Ability to freely express, communicate, &amp; exist without criticism or judgement.
3. Clear boundaries that are flexible.
4. Ability to see &amp; hear another &amp; ability to be seen and heard with another.
5. Able to hold space for the other person’s emotions while also processing your own.
6. Ability to understand reality is a subjective experience.
7. Time for alone time as well as personal interests.
8. Genuine mutual appreciation &amp; admiration.
9. Relationship provides a space for mutual evolution.

&amp;#x200B;

🥔Potato for making it this far x