to start off, this is going to contain talk of drug use, self harm, suicide, and general self destruction. with that said, i just spent last night in the hospital again after hitting an artery while cutting after my roommate found out about it once it got out of control. i’ve been using drugs heavily and am actively struggling when i don’t have them or don’t have enough of them. i haven’t been sober in months. i recently died after overdosing. i’ve attempted suicide multiple times in the past month. i haven’t gone even 3 days without having a medical emergency. i’m certain i’m going to die. i don’t know what to do because it’s not like it’s not what i want. i just don’t know how to stop any of these behaviours because i do want to specifically be able to control when i do die and i don’t even particularly want to stop these behaviours. i just can’t control my impulses and i’m self destructing. i refuse to get another therapist or psychiatrist. my fp doesn’t care anymore. and i’ve accepted that i’m at the end of my life so to be honest i don’t know what i wanted to come from this post here. please delete if this isn’t allowed i guess i just needed to tell someone who might understand and not judge me.