About three- four months ago  my FP left me and I think we both knew to some degree that the realationship wasn’t meant to last. And I think he finally had enough. But it wasn’t a surprise to me when he left. But none the less it still felt like the world around we falling apart. But I think because I was kind of expecting it I was initially numb to the notion. 
It wasn’t until a few weeks later that I started to process that it was over. 
Since then I have made new friends who treat me much better than my old ones did. And for a while I was so glad to be free of the grip a FP has on some with bpd. But recently I’ve been missing  the intensity of a FP. It’s so strong. When they text you first it’s the best high, or when they set you spiralling, yes it sucks balls but it’s such an intense feeling. Like nothing you can reciprocate. 
And tbh I miss it so much. 
Yes my new friends are so much better but the intensity just isn’t there. When they text me it’s not the best thing in the world, they don’t set me off or anything. 
It’s stupid because the relationships I have now are heathy and great. But there not enough to break the numbness cycle. Not like an FP could.