I’ve had anxiety for as long as I can remember. I was never able to pinpoint where it was stemming from. But, recently I found out that when I was 5 years old I was sexually assaulted by my brother who was 20 at the time. And looking at the medical files it seemed to be pretty bad. I have memories from my childhood. And since I’ve learned that this happened sex just makes me feel depressed...and since this came to light I’m just confused on if I have ptsd, GAD, or both. I relate a lot to what I’ve read about c-ptsd. But, I know I can’t self diagnose. I have no money for therapy and I’m honestly scared to go to therapy because I’m going to start remembering my repressed memories and I feel like I’m just going to get more fucked up rather than get better. What if what I remember is just too much for me to handle? What if I just break and I’m never the same? I was so close to my brother...and a lot of the things I like to do I used to do with him. He’s a big part of who I am...and now that I’ve learned this I feel like I’m stuck in a body/life I don’t want. Like I’ll never get rid of him...he will always be a part of me. I still can’t believe it...like I’m hanging on to this hope that somehow nothing happened. But that hope is stupid, because I saw what the doctors wrote and I know that it can’t be nothing. And he wasn’t charged with anything because it went through family court because I was in the middle of getting adopted by my grandmother (my “brothers” mom) and he was a minor. Also the doctor literally lied in court. Everyone in my life completely failed me.