I met up with a friend today for the first time since before Christmas. I was already nervous because it had been a long time since we'd seen each other, we're not that close, and this was the first time we were meeting up alone together.

We met up okay, everything was fine, we got coffee and sat at the park. 

I was drinking my coffee and all of a sudden I felt a sudden panic in my chest, something I hadn't felt for a long time. I started to feel my reality slipping and my brain becoming heavy. I'm inside my own head and I'm desperately trying to cling on to the outside world. I'm suddenly super aware of how much I'm saying "yeah" and how often I'm looking away or trying to fix my hair as a distraction. I'm losing focus of the conversation and my responses probably don't make any sense. I think about telling her I'm slipping into a panic attack but once I've acknowledged it, it will become a full blown episode of hyperventilating and panic.

I try to ignore it. I try harder to truly listen to what she's saying. I'm picking grass and feeling the breeze on my face. I'm wiggling my foot to keep my blood flow going because I feel like my face is as white as a ghost. I just can't wait to leave.

Finally we're leaving and I get in my car and just BREATHE. I just used all of my energy fighting it off. In my head there's so much pressure now but I am just beyond relieved it's over. It's been years since I had a panic attack and honestly, I think I blame the coffee? It wouldn't be the first time a strong coffee has put me totally on edge.

Currently collapsed on the bed contemplating whether to message her and apologise for probably coming across aloof and rude when actually I was just dying inside for no reason.