Reposting bc I posted before I was done and using a throwaway account because I'm paranoid someone will see on my main even tho the events would give it away anyway lmao

CW for self harm and suicide

I watched stranger things 3 today. At least finished it. Part way through episode 7, my dad told me to feed the cat and put away my laundry. That's fine, I did it.

While I was doing that and cleaning up after the cat, my puppy pressed play and he didn't bother to pause it again because he had his laptop on his lap. Keep on mind, he's 52 and climbs roofs for a living. He's not unable.

While I was putting away my clothes I was silently seething and having fake arguments in my head about how he doesn't respect me or my stuff, and seems to forget that I'm the only reason he could afford this goddamn house.

He then asked me to take the dog for a walk. I asked him why he couldn't do it.
"it's your dog. I do it every day. I took her out yesterday when we got home from the show"

I love my puppy, she's a St bernard and she's great, but she was also a 21st birthday present I wasn't expecting. Previous to living in our new house, we lived in a 2 bedroom flat. My room was too small for a desk so we both had our computers in the main room. We lived here a month before we got her. I had a month of being able to have time to myself and recharge only to have it taken away by him insisting I "have responsibility" by spending all my non-workong time with her. I love her but I wasn't ready.

So after that thought spiral when I went downstairs it took me everything not to erupt on him. I took the dog out and ended up having to sit on the pavement for a bit because I really wanted to jump into the busy road near the little woods we take her through. I ended up complaining to my partners about it, which I told myself I wouldn't do. They're insisting I go to therapy but fuck, man, last time I went the psych just sat and waited for me to talk and I can't work like that. I need to be prodded for answers. I feel like therapy will be useless and I'll come away worse.

When I got home i eventually watched the rest of the episode but my dad played loud videos over a part that was relatively quiet which pissed me off more. I calmed down eventually but tonight I've relapsed into self harm for the first time in about 2 months. I feel like shit.

I feel like nobody takes me seriously. I feel like all my issues are either made up or too stupid to acknowledge. I feel like I shouldn't have dropped out of university because at least then I'd be dead. I just want everything to stop. I'm tired of being told I'm not trying because I AM I really am but it's too hard. Working all the time and having a dog has taken away all of my time to myself and its killing me. I'm stressed all the time and exhausted and I just want it to STOP.