Everyday, when I walk to school, study, watch a movie or litsen to music, I'm all alone. Always. I have a couple of people, not friends, (they've made that clear), who I spend my time in recess with. I kinda just sit with them, that's kinda it. They've told me they seem as the guy who just follows them around, that's the result of a two year "relationship", or whatever the fuck it is. I have online "friends" too, but we rarely talk as they spend most of their time with their real friends. I've never kissed a girl, held someones hand or hugged one except my mom. Girls have never given me attention, and I'm pretty sure I've never gotten a compliment by one. Hell, when I think about it girls are uncomfortable just looking at me. I'm not ugly or anything, I mean I'm not attractive, I guess I'm a bit lower then average or whatever. It's just that I give them this sense of depression, (a girl told me this herself, which is probably the longest conversation I've ever had with a woman, or any person fot that matter). She told me that just looking at me made her feel depressed. I was suprised, I thougt I looked pretty normal but I guess not. Anyways the point is that I'm the lonliest person in my school. I have no one, and no one has me. My parents barely know anything about me and my sister is a literall psychopath who'll do anything to get what she want's. I spend most of my days alone in my room playing video games, watching movies, reading comic books, litsening to music, etc. I get about 3-4 hr of sleep everyday, I can't sleep, and I've tried everything. The only that makes me fall asleep is crying, which I do every night, when the feeling of stress, depression and loneliness hits the hardest. I feel empty, alone and desperate. And pain hits me everyday. When I was a child I was screamed at and molested by my stepfather, no one knows about the molested part. The ignorance and shame that experience have brought me is unmessurable. And on top of that I was also groomed by a man who I'm not even sure existed as I don't remember anything about him. Let me explain; when I was a kid there was this communal playground right outside of our apartment. I live quite away from school so I didn't really have anyone to play with, so I was usually alone. I was probably 6-7 at the time, but my mother was comfortable leaving me alone as she could see me right through the window. Anyways I remember how this man used to come to me and chat. He asked me how I was, what I wad playing, etc. Nothing major, it became a thing. Anyways, later I told my mom about this man and she strickly forbid me to be with him (duh), and ever since that she keept a close eye on me when I was playing. Later, when I was playing this man came to me and asked me how I was, etc. The usuall, but I told him that I was not allowed to talk to him, and ever since that he left me alone. I don't remember anything else about the man and my mom never mentiond it again, so I'm not entirely sure if it happened, what if I made it all up? IDK. lol.
My parents have been divorced since I was 2 years old and we've moved quite alot because of financiall isuess. I've never had a real friend since my childhood and I think the only way to end my anger and sadness is to kill myself. I hate everyone and this stupid world. I see the sins of man everyday and the disgust it brings and I can't do anything about it, I feel worthless. I've talked to professionals and I'm actually meeting this "speciall" psychiatrist in about a week, but it has never really helped. I hurt myself on a weekly basis and I can no longer bear the pain and I don't know what to do, that's all.