It’s very hard.
I was abused physically, emotionally, and psychologically, but mostly emotionally. 

I remember being 11 years old and frantically searching the internet trying to understand what was wrong with me. I knew something was wrong, I could feel it, and as I observed my peers I saw they didn’t act like I did. 
After doing some research, I still didn’t know because turns out mental illnesses are very complex. I was able to identify I had anxiety, (Recently found out it is generalized anxiety disorder) but it didn’t explain other things I felt. I kept researching throughout the years while at the same time BEGGING my parents for psychological help. They said I was fine and didn’t need it.

While also having constant breakdowns with them over the littlest things, them saying I’m extremely sensitive and should grow “thicker skin”, that I have to learn how to take a joke, that no one will ever love me if I keep having “bad attitude”.

It was more than just bad attitude. I just couldn’t help it. It’s a sudden rage of anger, fierce and explosive, it comes out of nowhere. 

Of course, I’ve ruined many relationships (friends and significant others) because of this. Especially when I didn’t know what was going on. Right now it affects my current romantic relationship the most because when we have a small disagreement I think it’s an argument and get extremely angry and upset, and everything escalates from there. He says the disagreement wasn’t a big deal to him and he thought we were just having a normal conversation and talking about our disagreement, but it never feels like that to me.

Anyway, now that I am fifteen and my parents saw that I was getting worse, they agreed to take me to a therapist. I’ve been seeing her for about a month every week. I hinted at a possible diagnosis but she says she wouldn’t let me get diagnosed until I was at least 18. That crushed me, because a diagnosis for me was the ultimate validation that I wasn’t crazy and/or making all of this up. That I ACTUALLY had BPD and I wasn’t just a horrible person. But I won’t be able to know. She suggested medication for “emotional dysregulation” but that’s it.

I understand maybe minors shouldn’t be diagnosed early, but I’ve had symptoms for years and I’ve seen people get diagnosed at my age. I don’t get it. If I actually got diagnosed my parents would stop giving me shit about being a horrible person, maybe then they would understand what’s wrong. 

I don’t condone self diagnosing, and I’m also not asking you guys to diagnose me. I investigated about my symptoms for YEARS before coming to the conclusion that I had BPD. I had no other choice, I felt like I was going insane, or that I was just a horrible person. Holding on to this last hope that I’m not a shitty human and It’s not my fault I’m like this is my last resort. I feel alone, and the only person I’ve told, which is my boyfriend, doesn’t entirely understand me because he’s healthy mentally wise. 

The day I finally realized it was very possible that I had BPD I cried my eyes off for hours. I don’t do it because I think it’s cool or because I want to be mentally ill. I promise it’s not like that at all. I just want to understand what is wrong, and I think I finally do.