Like sometimes I'm like "I want to faint" or "I want to have a panic attack" but when I actually experience it it obviously feels terrible. 

I once got an infection that almost killed me so I was bedridden and Ig due to not moving, everytime I got up I almost fell over and did fall all the way over once and I literally could not see for a few minutes after standing which was terrifying. I felt painfully weak and I cried and for some reason I want it to happen again. Not the actual infection tho, doctor said the pain i was feeling was comparible to child birth (when they did the procedure) and im never having kids if its worse than that.

And rn I'm thinking I want to have a panic attack bc of how loopy it makes you but last time I had a panic attack I was awake all night and couldnt stop thinking about killing myself to get rid of the problem I was currently having. Definitely did not feel like a fun loopy dream that im imagining

Sometimes I also want to experience throwing up. Or those times when you shit but its so painful and you feel sick and you have to put ur phone down. 

And its not for attention (tho it would be fun to faint infront of my crush) i genuinely just want to feel it for whatever reason. I just have to keep remembering how it actually feels. I don't think I'm a masochist