My company has been laying people off in droves. They're going to cut 60% of the workforce. At first they told me not to worry, because my department was essential. Now they say its "only fair" that some of us be let go. Some of our sites are going from 15 employees to 4. I've been with this company for less than a year, and therefore do not qualify for unemployment. So... if I'm laid off.. I'm screwed. 

This after I spent $8k to move here. 

Ya know, one of the things my therapist said to me recently was that she believes I have employment triggered PTSD. In the past employment problems have nearly driven me to "leave" probably a half dozen times. I was laid off once when my contract ended, I was being pushed out when management changed at another company... I was laid off after working my butt off to finish a project, only to be told that since it was done, they didn't need me anymore... and now..  right after that.. I move out here and commit to this company and AGAIN I am betrayed. 

I'm not laid off as I type this, but I know its coming. I can feel it. I'm not valuable enough. I don't work hard enough. I don't put in enough hours, enough passion. I don't care enough about my company and its mission to be good enough for them. No matter how hard I want to or how much I try I'm never good enough to avoid being harmed in some way. 

And I decided... 2 weeks ago... that if I got the virus... or if I lost my job... that I would "leave" before I have to see everything fall apart. 

It's been a fear of mine for a long time, to lose everything.. to have what few things I am able to hold onto ripped away.. but to have the very fabric of society torn away? Along with my employment? To lose my job and be told that there's no other job for me while my landlord demands that I pay up? And my credit cards, and my auto loan? 

I'm immunocompromised. I have chronic Asthma. I cannot set FOOT outside this house right now. And that's more than just figurative. I'm only able to go out without breaking down in abject terror during the middle of the night. I go out in gloves on Sunday evening to get my mail. That way.. it hasn't been touched in over 24 hours. I then give it another 3 or 4 days on the counter before I touch it, and I wash my hands afterward. 

How am I supposed to move on from this when this is all going on for me? I'm barely hanging onto my sanity as it is. And now they tell me.. I might be losing my job.. as early as TOMORROW??

I decided.. like I said.. that I would try to leave if I got the virus, or if I lost my job. I don't want to be a burden in the unemployment lines. I cannot take the social proximity of being forced out around people. I CANNOT go out there!!

So.. I look at my house, I walk around and think... this is the last thing I'm ever gonna see. 

I sit here and I think ... what constitutes a will? I don't want to be buried.. locked away in some tiny fucking box for eternity is terrible!!  Confinement,  or being bound are very big triggers for me.. so the idea of being violated by some disgusting morbid asshole on a table, ripping my organs out and then throwing them carelessly into my stomach in a plastic bag before shoving me into a shiny fiberglass box in a 6' hole sounds like a punishment that no one deserves. I want to make sure that it doesn't play out that way. 

I also want to make sure that I don't go as some nameless face with tubes shoved into my throat in a medically induced coma, not even aware that my body is leaving as apathetic shitty people wander around the very public and exposed bed, only to toss me into a body bag like I'm nothing but a hunk of meat. 

If I have to leave... I want to leave on MY terms.. and with DIGNITY goddammit!

I don't know what constitutes a will, I don't know how to tell people after the fact. I won't be here to do so. I don't know how to divide my things. .. I don't know how to ease the pain for the few people that do care if I leave. I don't suppose there's any way. 

It's surreal to think that I just.. won't be anymore. I used to be religious, but I lost that about 5  years ago. I hope that I'm right and that its wrong. 

The idea that a god would put me here, give me this condition and make me suffer in life to the point that I leave.. only to punish me and make me suffer for eternity for leaving makes me think that god is evil. 

I don't even know if what I have will work. I hesitate to talk about it. I wouldn't dare bring it up to my therapist. I shouldn't even be saying this here. But then.. my thoughts would fester if I didn't get them out. 

It's almost funny I think.. no sooner do I start to think the clouds are clearing slightly for me.. after a year of wanting to leave, getting so close to trying that door so many times.. and the minute I start to think.. well.. maybe they're not just naive fools.. maybe the world isn't a carrot dangling above a fucking pit.. 

we get this shit. 

Humanity is a despicable, evil species of disgusting selfish scum. Nobody talks about the CEO losing THEIR job. No.. they don't have their multi-million dollar homes and their luxury cars threatened. Meanwhile I do nothing wrong and I'm PUNISHED and can't pay rent anymore. 

ya know, it reminds me of my time in school.. when my bitch of a math teacher would walk around the room going SHHHH as loudly as she fucking could.. breaking my fucking concentration because someone I could barely even hear was talking to themselves to work out a problem! I'm always the one that's gonna get punished.. the one that's bad.. the one that's wrong.. no matter what I do, how much I care, how much ass I kiss its never NEVER good enough! 

They say if everywhere you go stinks.. you should check your shoe.. for you may have stepped in shit. 

Everywhere I go I get fired.. so I guess.. I'm a lousy employee. 

I don't know how these other people can do what they do.. working 14 hour days, always pushing their own wants, needs and desires aside for the corporation. "Work comes first, always."As my father used to say. Work before family, work before god, work.. comes.. first.

I guess that's my failure. I guess that's why this is happening to me again and again and again. I don't put my work before myself. I can't shut off my emotions and my wants and needs and tirelessly slave away.  I DESERVE this.

I'm nearly 40.. does this ever slack up? Do I ever get to exist?? 

My job is my life, and my life is my job. 

if they take my job.. they take my life. 

I've got to get my affairs in order.  This might actually happen.. and I have to be prepared. 

Ya know I don't even know what this is.. maybe it's just venting or panic or fear or maybe this is my note. I can't tell. I can't imagine it is.. if I weren't fucking safe I sure as hell wouldn't be talking to any of you. Any semblance of some asshole ruining my life and taking my freedom away from me to "Save me" sure as fuck wouldn't be informed if I was about to do something. 

So don't you come fucking knocking on some wellness check cos its my fucking life, not yours.  And you don't get to control me!

But.. thank you for listening.. whoever you are. I'm sorry...