It’s embarrassing to even write about, I hate this so much. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I feel drained and angry all the time. I try to keep it all in so others don’t see but it’s so tiring that I can’t keep doing it. And every now and then my anger will slip through and I’ll do something stupid and I’ll hate myself for doing it. I hate myself so fucking much. I’m embarrassed to be myself. 

I've been addicted to something my whole life, whether it be video games, porn, weed, or self harm. I've been high constantly for the past 2 weeks because every time I come down I feel how much I hate myself again. 

I genuinely believe I have no real relationships with anyone. The majority of my “friends” I barely talk to, and the others I constantly feel like they hang out with me out of pity. I’m out of my element with them anyway, definitely a higher social circle than I am. I have never felt like I belonged in any of my few friend groups. I can make jokes in group settings and make sarcastic comments and people will generally get along with me. But that’s it, I can add a little entertainment to the setting, I can’t connect with anyone there. 

Maybe I’m just socially awkward. But every interaction is torture and I put on a face to make small talk all day long. I’m going to be alone forever and I feel like hell but I can’t stand to be around anyone. I can’t call a psychiatrist, I can’t bring myself to it. I barely reached out to my parents via text, and I have to CALL someone and describe my problems. I don’t think I can ever do this. 

There’s always a thought in the back of my  mind that I don’t belong and never will, and I can recall plenty of occasions where I have acted oddly and I’m embarrassed when I think about it. I have literally no idea how others see me, I’m constantly thinking about how they perceive me. Do they think I’m a hard worker? Or do they think they’re doing a good thing by letting me work there? I had a seizure at work recently so I can’t even do half my job, others have to do it for me. I’m even less of a value than I thought I was. I used to work in the kitchen and I was really good at cooking, and I was proud of it. But now that I had the seizure I can’t work back there anymore, so I’m working up front now. 

I feel like I’m horrible at it, and every day I feel like I’m screwing up majorly and I think about how badly I want to walk out and quit and smoke until I can’t feel anything and probably end up killing myself. Sorry just writing what my mind is saying, can’t sleep.

And I feel so fucking guilty about how badly those close to me get treated just because they know me.
