Excuse sloppy grammar and writing!
On December 25th, 2021 Christmas day, I made a promise to myself that there was no turning back to going back and forth on my faith. I made it final to myself that I was an  atheist. I felt free. Paranoia of God cascaded away from my mind. However, it welcomed the fact that my death was final and I was worthless. Being 12, it was hard for me to accept such a harsh reality. a during the months following I gradually lost my favoring for any sort of morality. nothing matters. Such words that I would play in my head continuously. By the time summer came, I still felt value in my life. Frankly, I thought my mindset was better than those around me. I felt freedom in my life. I set goals for myself and whenever I failed to meet them, I never felt guilt. I was losing sympathy for people including my family. As summer reached its ending, I was a total apath, living with anhedonia. I was living life on airplane mode. Family trips meant nothing as I felt nothing. During my progression through summer, I felt myself eating more and more, craving nothing but to be satisfied which I never felt. I craved to feel anything.  I didn’t feel miserable just empty. As it is now autumn, I’ve thought deeper just as I started in August. My friends and family mean nothing to me. I don’t feel pleasure from  anybody’s company. I admittedly fantasied  about killing off everyone just because I can’t accept my insignificance to this indescribably surreal world. I’ve lost my empathy. I never feel happy or sad. Maybe I have but it never lasts. I don’t care about anything really. I just care about the possible reason that can help me be normal again when I can be happy and even be sad. That’s how i’m alive. Many say people turn numb as a result of emotional pain but I really never felt that. I have what is considered a good life. Yet somehow I feel extremely lonely. Nobody, even someone who shares the same mind as me could soothe me. Every view I have on life depends on their significance which nothing has. I have no reason to live accept wait on the future. They say it gets better but it’s so hard to think in a different mindset I can’t just be thinking finding comfort in people and making friends or doing what you love can help this. It doesn’t. They don’t do anything. Seeing life as an astronomical experience is no good route either. I don’t feel anything is worth anything. I know I’m 13 and I’m “so young” to be worrying about this but what is there really there waiting ahead of me? Nothing with the possibility of something. As of now, it seems there is nothing to live for. Asking for perspectives.