I am M (23) and she uw/bpd F (26) was my first love. I was a virgin and had never had a girlfriend, despite everyone saying im good looking, I was always shy. 7 months ago I met the most beautiful girl ive ever seen on a dating app who had just moved to my city from Hong Kong 3 weeks prior with her family (9/10 in looks is fair). Immediately on our first date the vibing fireworks were crazy, we matched on so many things, discussed so much, it was like a dream, we connected on Philosophy, music, shared values, we danced into the night and we got extremely intimate very fast. 

I should have seen the warning signs. After dropping her back home, I received 2 calls and 15 messages in the morning about how she was terrified and that she shouldnt have been intimate with me as she doesnt usually do that outside a relationship, and while I was in the gym and the library studying, she accused me of seeing other girls at 11am in the morning. These were all insane red flags, but as I thought she was beautiful and we vibed so much, I assumed it was just a culture difference or something, so I reassured and we went in a second date. The fireworks continue, yet so did the arguments, 2 weeks in we had met 3 times and argued 3 times over text mainly. It was always culture differences so I didnt think much of it. She said shes extremely sensitive but I liked that because it made her deep thinking and from what ive read on here unlike most shes extremely empathetic, I mean genuinely she will feel the pain of others intensely. 

She pressured me 3.5 weeks in saying that she couldnt see me unless we were in a relationship and that she needed that reassurance and asked whether I care about her. For me this was too soon, and again another red flag, but I thought again a culture difference, as asian culture is more conservative in regards to initmacy, and that is partly why, but now ive realised it was mainly because of her emotional insecurities that even 3 weeks into knowing someone she was emotionally unstable if that guy couldnt provide guarantees. 

More red flags to come.

But also not just red flags, I would like to say unlike many, she is the sweetest girl I have ever met, she has never been intentionally abusive, she is always thinking about others, always buying gifts to my family and making an effort even tho she struggles socialising, seeing my friends, writing me love letters expressing her feelings and how ive pushed her through a depressing phase of immigration and having no jobs and no friends at this time in her life.

1 month in she felt insecure and said she needed to know that I loved her. At that time I didnt, but a week later her pressure maybe catalysed it, but it genuinely came when I started to think about love more. Finally after 1.5 months I told her I love her, I wrote her a poem, she cried.

Red flag - She told me that if I hadnt asked her this week she would have blocked me and not talked to me again, she said after 2 weeks she might contact me again but she couldnt handle that insecurity of not knowing as she loved me so much and i didnt love her, I checked her texts and she had told her old friend (she had not friends that ever lasted) that she would block me if I didnt say I love her as she felt insecure and thought I could still be a fuckboy (I told her im a virgin and emotionally soft).

Red flag - She told me she has had 13 past relationships spanning multiple up to 3 years, but some just a month and they all ended because although some of the guys were toxic and some were nice, they all said they couldnt handle her emotions. I thought those guys are horrible, I can save her be there for her. This personality flaw of always wanting to help combined with love blinded me to the bigger picture. That although some of these guys were toxic, at least half, she even admitted left her because of her intense feelings, but I thought she seems so sweet, how dare they do that to her, I didnt see what she really meant. 

As time went on she became more loving, baking me stuff, spending her small wage on me, writing love letters, we vibed talked about life, had great experience together, she spent days painting me pictures dedicated to us, which were incredible.

But over time it was getting me down. I spent hours and hours looking for jobs for her as it made her depressed and I was taking on that depression and those insecurities. She would cry a lot, sometimes talking about how everyone left and she didnt want me to abandon her, I thought shes so sweet and made so many promises to her. She said she was nothing, and that I gave her something. Everytime we would call at night she would talk about her day for 30 mins and then when I get excited to talk about my day she says shes too tired and needs to sleep, which was fair as she worked early in a warehouse, but then why call if its always on sided? I understood as I come from a financially privileged background and she doesnt, but over time I felt emotionally rejected. There were many times where she listened to emotions and helped me be more in touch with them, but it was always mixed. The second I question this and say I feel emotionally rejected she plays victim and talks about how hard it is for in a toxic family household, with a warehouse job and no friends, I understood and always apologised, but this always ground me down and made me feel like I was walking on eggshells, I just didnt realise at the time.

Then came the bigger arguments, twice she created an argument out of something tiny and shouted at me and stormed away in public, disappearing. For example the first argument she stormed away because I didnt take good pictures of her and she made an effort to look good and I couldnt capture that. I went after her and comforted her. The second time it was another small thing. I comforted and went after her. I never raised me voice, I always stayed calm. Deep down I knew this was a huge issue and red flag, how could I be with someone who communicated and acted like this over small issues.

The third time it happened, I felt empty, numb, I felt rejected, abandoned and I didnt have the energy to go after her, I thought this isnt my fault, if she loves me she will come back to me, and she did. She apologised and she brightened up and was also happy and bought me a meal, it was like an emotional release for her, but those emotions were released onto me. I talked to her about it and said its not fair, if we are equal and then I shouldnt be running after you everytime. She thought about it and introspected and said that she agrees because she loves me and believes in equality and doesnt want me to feel rejected and that she does it because she wants to feel comfort and attention from me and know I care. I said that doesnt make sense as you know how much I care about you and love you. I always comfort you, I drive you everywhere, I paid for your stuff when you cant afford it, I spend hours everyday applying for jobs on behalf of you, I introduce to my social circle and even grandparents, I write letters, I support you emotionally and in every way and its still not enough. She said shes knows but in that moment its not logical she just needs to feel it. And she said she knows its wrong and she wont do it again.

Red flag - She tells me that in her past she was so much worse, she smashed up apartment, tried to commit suicide and ended up in a mental hospital, cried in public and begged people to stay screaming, hurt herself. She said that shes improved so much now (which based on the past is 100% true) and that all she does is walk away from me because she needs space and feels depressed because of her situation and is too tired to hear about my day. I know shes right, that improvement is insane. I think she had major BPD in the past which apparently led her to have epilepsy seizures and religious experiences and blackouts (but she doesnt know its bpd even tho im sure it is) and now shes improved so much and so it hurts her when I make a big deal and ask her to try and change her emotions. She says I cant see the change but she tries everyday.

Now onto the straw the broke the camels back. I felt normal, we are 6 months into a relationship, I pick her up and she told me she had a cold and my response was "Oh you should have told me and we could have gone for a walk another day". She was surprised and hurt and said that she was looking forward to seeing more all week and now I dont want her. We go to walk and she refuses to get out the car, I say I dont have the emotional energy for this. For me its such a little thing, I was so excited to see her as well, and I was just half joking while driving saying that I should have seen her another as im gonna get sick now, I even laughed and smiled at her cheekily as I said it. She finally gets out the car, and I feel so tired because I know this will be a repeat cycle and I cant deal with the emotional stress anymore, the stepping on eggshells, the overreactions and emotionally charged arguments. We begin walking and she says how it makes her feel, I say I understand but you cant let such small thing affect you, my mums parents are almost dying, shes struggling and I have to support her, in this situation all I said was I dont wanna get sicka and the reaction is like I just cheated on you, she says it doesnt matter, whats important is not how big the perceived issue but the way it makes someone feel, again I said I understand but you cant communicate like that throughout life and it turned into her shouting and she walked away. I felt numb, empty. I think I knew in my heart there and then that it was over, not because I couldnt love her or forgive her. But because my emotions were beyond repair. I had anxiety after 20 mins and I ran after her calling for her, these are busy roads at high speeds and she doesnt know she is, im shaking. I finally find her and we talk it out, but I just feel numb. 

That was 9 days ago, ever since then I know longer think of her in the same way. Even though 90% of the time shes so sweet and caring, the 10% overwhelmed me so much that thinking of her and being round her started to give me anxiety and I felt a knot in my stomach. I was with her and she was being intimate but she felt like a stranger to me. Like it didnt feel natural to hold her hand, she didnt make me happy anymore just feeling weird and anxious, like the first 2 dates when I didnt really know her. 

So I told her I needed space and time to process my emotions and that this argument and more so the repeated overeactions have overwhelmed. At first she didnt understand and text me saying that she would block me and I ruined her life by pushing her away and leaving and abandoning her. 10 Minutes later even though I need my space, I text her and say do you want to call, and she says I feel fine now, just doing some work. The quick emotional flips are insane which is what makes me thinking its BPD.

She can be an angel and flip just like that.

After 3 days we met up and I recieved something so unexpected it broke me into tears. She apologised, she said she was wrong for walking away and making me feel abandoned and hurting me. She said she wants to change and that I have helped through so much (At this time she finally found a job and I had celebrated and cried with her 1 week prior) and that walking away is wrong and she didnt realise it made feel so deep and hurt and that I was that sensitive. 

She said that she realises she doesnt know how to love and she doesnt know why and that all this time shes done so many things for me that shes never done before, that shes always received love but never known how to give it. She said shes never baked before, but she learnt just so she could see a smile on me and my familys face when she brings cookies to my house. She said shes never payed for guys meals, she goes out of her way to spend £5 on a box of sushi when she has £50 in her bank account, just so she can see the smile on my face. She said she knows that she doesnt know how to her love and communicate and regulate her emotions, but shes trying and she wants to try and communicate and support me in the ways I have done to her because she truly loves me.

After this day I felt back to normal again, and she actually seemed changed, when she would call she would ask all about my day and my feelings, I had an interview and she said how much she supports me and how much I deserve it and that if I keep pushing then one day I will achieve it and that she will always have my back no matter what. She started asking about my emotions when we felt likr a disgareement was coming up and it was working. But then 2 days later, the feeling came back and I couldnt control it, like she was a stranger and I was anxious and didnt feel myself around her. I think i realised no matter what she says and makes positive change, I have been emotionally overwhelmed numbed and unitnetionally on her part damaged so much that I dont think I can recover. 

I genuienly think that she is trying and is changing, but its only been a week, but I cant change my feeling of fear, slight resentment and distance. The damage is done, and I dont want that damage but I cant control that regradless of whether she changes or not.

I met her last night after a few days space and planned to go in telling her that I know she needs comfort, love and constant reassurance, but I cant provide her that even though Im still willing to be with her and love her and support her, and she has to accept that the old loving me has been pushed away by her actions, but im willing to make an effort to try and work through it, if shes willing to accept the love isnt the same anymore. 

This led to a full mental breakdown. It was the most terrifying, heart breaking and traumatising thing I have ever seen. She started hitting herself, wailing, saying im leaving her and im like all the others, that she will be lonely again and shes not sure if she can live anymore with this crippling lonliness. She started talking about all the expectations she had, and started crying when thinking about the fact we will never have the baby we dreamed about or the apartment or the life that she craved and hoped for and that she really put every expectation on this, even introducing me to her parents within 2 months, despite her never doing it until at least a year as she finally saw me as the one. She literally fell down to my feet and begged for me not to leave her. It traumatised me but I just kept telling her its okay, your okay, breathe, youre safe and strong, please breathe for me, im always going to be here for you no matter what happens. I then held her down as she started punching her face and helped her breathe with me. 

The one thing that scarred me is that she kept saying stuff in between. She said you are so kind, you couldnt have known this is the real me, its not your fault, im just a terrible person, im stupid and i hate myself, I shouldnt exist, I dissapoint everybody, my parents, every bf ive ever had has left me, some even cut themselves over me. Its a cycle and I cant escape, im only human. I said I want you to get some help because I care about you and her reaction was are you saying im crazy, im mentally ill, im insane is this the way youve always looked at me, i dont need help I tried already, I cant be helped, this is me.

I couldnt break up with her. I was so emotionally traumatized. I couldnt bring myself to break a broken woman. I couldn't break the woman that 95% of the time, I love so intensely for her character, actions, values and personality but the 5% is mentally breaking me.

So I dropped her back, went home and woke my parents up at 3am and broke down. I havent slept or eaten.

I dont know what to do. She has no one in her life, no friends, her family dont speak to her, shes in a foreign country and she refused help. I want to help her but she has to help herself. I cant deal with this. She so sweet.

Help me.