So I've been talking to this girl since May of last year. We met online when I was in the middle of a breakup and we were pretty casual online friends. In October we started to be pretty flirty with each other but Covid was a thing and we really couldn't meet in person because we're both high risk. I got way more attached than I should have. We both did. By the time we were both vaccinated we were in pretty deep. We had dropped the L bomb, sexted, were calling each other pet names, saying we'd never leave. For all intents and purposes we were together. I really thought we were going to meet but I was really anxious about doing it so I didn't ask that often and every time I did ask there was a reason she couldn't. In the beginning of July I started getting really serious about asking but at the end of June she started having a lupus flare up and every time I ask she's not up to it. She won't video chat or call me on the phone either. 


I know just how suspicious this sounds. She sounds like a catfish. But I'm in deep. I'm more invested than I ever intended. I really thought meeting was right around the corner so I didn't hold back when I should have. I know it's time to do something. I know I can't go on like this. My anxiety is through the roof and my fear of abandonment has me practically in a constant state of panicked heightened alertness. It's time for her to piss or get off the pot, as they say. This is the case whether or not she's a catfish. If she is she'll be revealed or I'll just leave. If she's not then this has to be worked out. 


My difficulty is I have no idea how to handle this or word it. I have to go under the assumption that she's been honest or at the very least I can't call her a liar. It's really difficult because, assuming she's real, she's just as afraid as I am. Maybe moreso. She's terrified I'll leave or she's not good enough or pretty enough or I'll be bothered by her illness. I've reassured her so many times that I love her, I'm not going anywhere, she's good enough, she's beautiful, and I don't care that she's sick a lot, that I don't mind taking care of her as much as she needs and she's reassured me the same just as many times. So it's like I want to be understanding and compassionate but I really need to get some of my needs met here or I have to leave. I just need some kind of interaction outside of text from her and some consistent assurance that we're going to keep moving forward, that we're going somewhere. I'm really going to please ask anyone commenting to help me figure out what to say or keep scrolling. I know this is bad. I know I made a huge mistake, I don't need to be told that or told I need to leave because I know, but I can't undo my mistake and I can't just leave with all I have invested. I at least have to try until I'm 100% certain there's no hope or that she's a catfish.