

There is nothing that makes me feel more like a monster than the post-burn the motherfucker down clarity. It’s like the calm after a tornado comes through and destroys everything and you’re just standing in the wake of the destruction completely content for the first time in god knows how long thinking hm, you know, I could go for an ice cream. It honest to God makes me wonder if I’m a sociopath. 

I didn’t burn it all down tonight, but I got close. I doused everything in gasoline and tossed a match and ended up getting burned by my own fucking fire, which was the only thing that made me stop. But once the flames died out I felt…better. I felt more clear headed, more nuanced, not so black and white and possessed by the fear of being abandoned and in so much pain I thought my ribs were going to crack open and expose nothing but emptiness inside me where a heart—even a black and rotting one—should be. 

I didn’t burn it all down, but I wanted to. Still want to. Does anyone else seem to have an expiration date on relationships? Or maybe, does anyone else just feel like a ticking time bomb? I do. My fuse is long and slow going, it lasts for about three years and then something inside me says times up. I don’t know why I’m like this. I don’t know why three is the magic number, it’s just happened so many times that it’s scientifically proven at this point. Three years and tick-tick-tick-tick-tick, waiting and waiting and waiting for the explosion and it never comes, never comes, so you have to ignite it yourself because the fucking incessant ticking pushes you over the edge of sanity. You can’t take it anymore. Something has to give. One of you has to go. This is the only way you know. This is how it works. 

It’s not even just one relationship. It’s entire friends, it’s an interest or hobby or fandom. Eventually everything about it just starts pissing me off. It’s not fun anymore, everyone is annoying, I find fault in literally every stupid thing under the sun for no stupid reason until one night I find myself lying here fantasizing about how amazing it would feel to block every single person I know and start over from the beginning. A blank slate. To throw away all the things I’ve been interested in. To totally and completely delete the façade of a person I’ve been the last three years, burn it all down and rise from the ashes anew. It’s the crystal clear awareness that I KNOW this is what would make me feel better. It’s euphoric.

Why is that so good? So appealing? Why do I just hit a bump in the road one day and that’s it, game over? Why does it have to be like that, I don’t WANT it to be like that. I want to stay. I want to be nice, I want to keep having fun. I want, for once, to not feel like the only way forward is to set every bridge on fire so I don’t have a way back. 

But it is and I do. There’s a point of no return every time and as soon as I accidentally stumble over that line—I try so hard to be careful but accidents always happen—it’s over. No turning back. There’s no reversing it, no time travel, no undo button. You’re here now and you can either wait and watch as everything slowly drifts out of your reach or you can set it all on fire and the thing is—

The thing is.

Flames are so much prettier than the back of someone’s head, aren’t they. 


tldr; dae have a point of no return and feel like the only way out is to burn it all down? Also why am I like this