A long story...

I have been in a relationship with a girl for 9 months, which has gone from amazing, to horrible and with work back to being something we have both wanted to save. During this time I discovered I have been living with BPD for years. I have done a lot of work getting where I am, but for some reason I am falling apart.

She suffers from a loud anxiety and In combination with my head it makes the highs high and the lows low. I fell in love with this girl, and I do believe she did too.

We broke up yesterday, I broke up with her. Here is why.

She has been gone for the whole summer, in which we had been taking a break, remaining together but paying distance, and a lot of thinking. Though I dont think she has done as much thinking as I have, She has certainly done a lot and it helped make our relationship a lot better.

During this time I was able to figure out how to get rid of the crippling anxieties I had and the empty feelings of mistrust and abandonment which stemmed from tiny things without any weight or validity. I seemed to be happier, We talked every day after about half way through the summer and when we argued it wasn't bad, we dealt with it and that was that. We had a few arguments which blew up but shouldn't have but other than that things were good. It took a lot of patience and meditating and affirming and love.

During this time I also found a job (Finally!) and it was a good job with great bosses. These guys were great. Life seemed to be going well. I was very in control of my emotions and reactions and I was able to withstand a LOT of drama in my friend group, and lost a friend whos boyfriend hated me. She was a dearly beloved friend.

My ex girlfriend got back just over a week ago. Old feelings and patterns are returning, but not badly, I am able to recognize them, but she is not. She has acknowledged they exist but doesnt recognise when they are her patterns, only mine. Old emotions which I hadnt had problems started flashing, not for long, just long enough for me to recognize them but intensely so about 3-7 seconds. This is triggered by something that reminds me of the way things were.

This is where it started to scare me. 

I have never been violent, even when enraged I could always avoid being violent without any problem at all.

Five nights ago I put a hole in my wall. It wasnt out of anger, and I didnt really think about doing it, I just did it. I was laughing having a good time with a friend of mine. I vaguely remember there being a crane fly but im not sure. I had a few drinks.

Three nights ago my girl had a party, breaking in her new room which I helped her set up and it was great. She has it filled with powerful blacklights enough that it floods the entire room and she has different colored lights and blacklight posters from the 70's. We had fun and drank and laughed and it was great, all of my friends were there. We went dancing at a club down the street.

She was slamming drinks on the way there and when we got there she was very drunk. but so was I. We werent too drunk but we were intoxicated and dancing was great, I had fun. she set her purse down right before the last song so she could dance hard and a buddy of mine picked it up. neither of us knew that he picked it up.

I went out for a cigarette and she joined me, when we came back in they were clearing people out and she noticed her purse wasnt there. Instantly panicked. Started freaking out, I did my best to calm her down but I couldnt. I just started running around trying to find it. I couldnt handle how much she was freaking out, it was like she was on fire.

She got mad at me in the process of me not knowing how to help her because of the manor I said it in. She stormed out of the club and I chased after her. When I reached the door there was a guy in the way and wouldnt move so I pushed past him. He didnt just not move, he was a dick about it. Nothing very hurtful just standard ignorant drunk frat boy shit. I got out the door very quickly and he grabbed my neck from behind me.

right shoulder side

A grenade goes off inside my head. In one moment fury fills my eyes blinding me, numbing my entire body. Heart rate jumps, adrenaline replaces blood. I turned around and swung at his cocked face, however at the same exact time security had grabbed him by the neck of his shirt and yanked him back. 7 seconds or so into this after just staring blankly at the security guard I realized the extent of what had just happened. I shook from the adrenaline for an hour. 

My girl walked back to her place with a friend of mine during this altercation. When I got back she was asleep. The party wasnt ending at that. I went outside and had another drink with my roommate After hanging out for about a half hour, again laughing having a good time and enjoying being not over the top intoxicated but drunk, I kicked someones tail light out. out of nowhere. shattered it, put my boot through it.

We all just kind of laughed it off but all of my friends saw it. Ill be taking care of the tail light but right now the guy doesnt even know it was me. I didnt know why I did it.

The flashing emotions got worse. now they are more intense for a longer duration.

She is incredibly hurt but I broke up with her because I am afraid of what im going to do, I do not want to hurt her. I understand that this would be running from the problem, but I am. Until I can know I can control myself I cant be with her, I dont want to hurt her and I found myself losing control. 

I love her, but this would be toxic for both of us.
and as of right now, Im not happy. and its not helping me.

I am also very afraid of the feeling I get when I think about her not being there any more. She was very helpful with BPD when she could recognize it and help. My emotional state is wrecked, I scheduled an intake appt for a therapist in three weeks, earliest I can get in anywhere. Im afraid, and afraid of remaining afraid, and alone here. I lost my job yesterday because I cant take being trampled and humiliated by my supervisor amidst all this. 

Sometimes my head is so clouded with emotions that theres only one thing I can say.

What the fuck.

PS
Thanks Lu

