When I am being intimate with another, after a few minutes, I switch. 

It's devastating.


I know that it is common for those with BPD to feel like a child sometimes. I feel this way too. However, a trigger for this mindset(?) is sex. When things begin to get quite heated, I will literally just be a child in my head. What comes with this, is a disinterest, and almost disgust with sex. I feel like saying "NO - can we just cuddle instead?"... The thing is, the adult *me* really wants to have sex. 

Once this has happened, and things "carry on" I victimise myself in my head. I begin to have thoughts that I'm being taken advantage of, that I'm vulnerable, stuck... I was told by an ex, (in an argument) that sometimes during sex I will just look to the side, with wide eyes, looking half demented half sad/disconnected. I think I remember zoning out. It was while I was having the thoughts aforementioned. 

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**(Unrelated)**
Also, I hate not knowing who "me" is. A lot of the time I will act like my grandmother in terms of her values (she's pretty cool) and what she got up to in the 70's etc. I almost feel like I have to do what she did. Or, another aspect is when I want to do something deviant, I will literally justify it based purely on whether or not she ever did it too. I once voiced this to a friend, that "I won't feel guilty because my Grandmother did this too when xyz". In return I got a confused face and "you are allowed to do things, you know.. You're an adult!".. Sigh. 