I've done so much bad shit over the years. No one I affected deserved it. From going off at my boyfriend's friend because I thought she was trying to butt into our relationship, to treating my boyfriend like shit just because I was abused. Being groomed contributed to my hypersexuality and I even became pushy with my boyfriend because of it. I feel extremely ashamed and guilty but that does not excuse my behavior.

Years later, I don't do those things anymore. I don't want to do bad things anymore because I don't want to hurt anyone. But that doesn't take away from the fact that I've been this type of person. It doesn't take away from the fact that I've hurt people selfishly. I'm not trying to blame my trauma entirely on being a piece of shit. I just genuinely, truly feel like if I had not been abused and hadn't been groomed and objectified, I wouldn't have been this person. 

I feel so ashamed of myself because I know how I've affected others. The question I ask myself is, how can someone feel empathy and care for others, and want the best for them, but also be capable of doing such horrible shit? It literally feels to me like there's a part of me that wants to be good (me right now) and a part of me that wants to be bad (when I'm triggered). I've been suppressing that bad part as much as I can. 

I've improved a lot. My relationships have been very healthy, but I still have to be aware of my words and actions every day. Lately I've been remembering the things I did and I hate that part of myself. I don't like that I'm capable of hurting others. I can understand logically that I developed this part to defend against my abusers, but I still affected others that didn't deserve it. 

Sorry for the rambling. I'm also not trying to guilt trip anyone by seeming like I'm saying "poor me, I did terrible things, feel bad for me guys". I don't feel bad for myself having done these things- in fact I don't even recognize the me that DID these things. Does that make sense? It's almost like I created a fake self to defend against my abusers (the evil part) and now that I'm my normal self, I don't recognize it. But at the time that I'm acting in that part, my actions feel like what I should do. I can feel part of me not wanting to do it, but I still keep doing it. Hell, sometimes I'd also do bad shit for no actual reason.

I don't know. I'm just sick of myself.