Immediately just need to clarify - no, I’m not a bigot. No, I haven’t got any actual problem with this. He’s entitled to do what he likes and is entirely valid for doing so. Genuinely.

It was a visceral reaction before I’d even had the chance to form a thought in my brain about it. This sort of acute sharp panic in my heart, the same sort I’d feel if I saw that a close friend had blocked me or something like that. Just pure helpless panic/dread.

And after thinking ‘why the fuck have I had this response to something completely harmless that I’ve not got a problem with??’ for about ten minutes, I’ve realised this - I think it’s genuinely because my warped BPD brain went ‘ooh, he can’t consider you to be THAT close of a friend of his if he’s not even told you about this lol.

I hate this and I hate feeling like this and now I can’t stop fixating on this thought that I’m just making up excuses for the feeling and am in actuality just a horrible person.

I don’t know what to do.