I feel like every day is a battle for my sanity and I think I’m starting to lose, does anyone else feel the same way?


It just feels so intoxicating to feel **those** thoughts in the corners of my mind, seducing me, to slowly give in to the madness. No more bad memories, no more suffering, no more worries, no more anxiety, no more pain.

Those thoughts are slowly seeping in, I have nothing to lose and I can do anything and everything I want with no consequences, the world can be mines, it can be my playground, but only if I embrace the insanity that was gifted to me.

I can’t even remember when it happened, I just know that I’ve been dealing with this for a long time. All I know is that I had a really bad day, and I continue to have bad days everyday. I feel like eventually I will no longer have a choice and reach my breaking point and snap, the straws, the little inconveniences, the bad days continue to pile up and eventually they’ll break this poor camels back, and I’ll be forced to watch from the passengers seat every single horrid action, every teeny tiny painful idea that I want to inflict on everyone that ever did me wrong. It’s all seems very terrifying but so, so exciting to stop running from the inevitable and take the plunge into lunacy. What terrifies me most is that after I’m done, I’ll keep going, not out of revenge but because I’ll do it for the theatrics, for my own entertainment, for the amusement, the shits and giggles, I’ll do it for a smile. I find that funny.

The things is I’m starting to get the joke, I’m starting to get the funny side, I especially appreciate it that my parents just told me to “stop being depressed” and “just snap out of it”, I just needed a change of perspective that’s all. Human morality and all these stupid rules is the ultimate joke; “oh just be nice, treat people well, work hard and good things will happen to you”. They’ll drop these rules in a heartbeat whenever they see fit to step over people like me, to step over people like you.

I used to think that my life was just a series of random events but now I feel my, ideology slowly shifting, I’m starting to feel like my life was destined to be this way. No matter what I did or how I acted.

I sat back in my seat and laughed at that thought, and I haven’t had a genuine laugh in a very long time