It feels like I'm always doing good for a day, then terribly for a month. And so the cycle continues. I'm really trying, but I had a really bad episode that started around my birthday (of all days), and it's resulted in me missing classes a lot more frequently than I thought I would. I did badly in high school, but I got my life together last minute and managed to graduate with shit grades. I'm in community college now, and that fear of doing badly all over again has been wracking my brain for months, and I try to push myself and tell myself the past doesn't define my present or my future. I really do believe that, but I struggle to put it into action when the situation calls for it. 

I promised myself that if my depression got really bad, I would resign myself to doing schoolwork only, I wouldn't force myself to doing anything else but the bare minimum. This usually works, but not as of lately. I have mostly online classes (because of lack of transportation and also convenience), I miss a lecture here and there, but I'm trying to start attending more often, because it's online so that's easier. The thing I'm frustrated with myself about is because the one class I have in person, an art class (the only class I have that I care about), I've continuously missed more than a few days. I read my professor's attendance policy, and I'm worried I'll drop a grade for a class that I really wanted to do well in. The professor is very kind, and has been very chill with my first few absences, but I don't want it to seem like I'm taking advantage of her kindness and missing class (and important days like critiques and project deadlines) on purpose, that really isn't the case.

I'm struggling to balance school with my mental health, I don't know what to do and I'm afraid of failing again like I did so many times In high school. I plan on coming next week and just talking to her after class, but I really don't know what to say and I'm afraid she'll just think I'm making excuses. I'm just struggling to handle everything and I have no idea if I'm overthinking because of anxiety and assuming the worse, I hate feeling this lost for things I try so hard to convince myself I care about. I just have no passion or motivation to do anything anymore, usually I try to convince myself it'll pass but I really don't feel like it will this time.