Everyday I wake up feeling like shit. I don't even know what it is anymore, like what the hell is wrong with me. It's like my brain is constantly changing, if I'm in a public place I just wanna die. Sometimes I feel like headbutting a random person, but I know that's wrong which is why I hate leaving my house. I'm just scared one day I'll end up hitting someone randomly because I constantly get told to by my brain, this shit is so draining. Like when I was younger I heard some shit telling me to do stuff, I told my aunt by accident when I was 5 and she told my mum, who was worried but didn't bring it up again. 

Fast forward to now, and this shit came back like 2 years ago pretty bad. For one summer I saw insects that were crawling the walls but they were fake, thought I was bipolar, went to therapy and they told me it was lack of sleep. I carried on hearing scratching and rattling in the walls, my family said it was the train from down the street. I think they don't want to take care of this problem tbh, so they just ignore it.

Yeah, I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like cutting my face when I see it and sometimes my fingers. There's this fucked up problem that I wish I could get rid of. How long this will go on for, I don't know. When I was on the toilet I took a knife in there with me, I wanted to stab my leg but when I sat down I changed my mind. I fucked up my arm pretty bad a year ago and now I have like 6 scars over the front of my left arm, which means I've only worn long sleeves for a year. My family are suspicious of this, but they already know I used to cut myself.

Just waiting to be normal again. These kinds of things happen a lot. I can never stay normal for a long period of time, I just end up going back to feeling weird. I don't know how to explain it, but I can feel myself slowly becoming neutral to everything. Like I don't give a shit about anything and usually treat people like shit, ignore and avoid everyone. I just leave reality for a period of time, and then when I start being normal again everyone is pissed off at me. Because I pushed them away when I was not giving a fuck, but I don't even feel bad anymore. Because it's worse for me to have to deal with this shit first hand.