I've really been struggling with this lately. I've noticed that sometimes during interactions with my (26F) BF (27m) I'll have this stressful kind of experience. I was wondering if anybody else goes through this as well. 

It usually starts off with my BF suggesting we go do something that my brain decides it doesn't want to do. However, because I love BF and I desperately want him to love me back (bpd lol), I'll either go along with it or I'll passively try to indicate my 'no' answer, which I know is awful but the feeling that he will fall out of love for me due to my answer is really powerful. 

So, either he doesn't pick up on my signal, or ignores it. Or, I say no, and he convinces me to do it anyway. This is when the problem really starts. My brain starts running on its' track of anxiety. It says to me 'you are such a horrible girlfriend, you know that? Of course you know that. Why don't you want to do ___??? You know this is going to make him like you less and less until he eventually leaves you. Why can't you just do the thing?? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU' Over and over and over. I start shutting down, I can't really move and I can't speak without anger jumping into my voice, so I just stay quiet. 

Usually around this time he'll ask me 'are you okay?' Which for reasons i don't understand makes me incredibly irritated. I guess it's because I have no good answer; usually I just lie and say yep, fine, to avoid the huge ball of anxiety growing in my ribcage, but that is frustrating for him. Sometimes I'll say no, I'm not fine, and he'll want to know why. That's even worse because THERE IS NO WHY, the only 'why' is because I'm awful and can't control my mood. 

At this point I pretty much completely shut down and can no longer stand, talk, or function really. The only things that seem to help are time, food, or weed. Time is a bad option because it frustrates him to see me like this and I feel worse for taking so long to get back to normal. Food is the worst option because I'm fat as fuck and I'm already a binge eater. Weed is the only option that actually works and pulls me out of that weird state. 


Anyway, does anybody else experience this regularly? Is there a name for it? I'd love to know. Thanks for reading.