 (I've posted this before, it was deleted, so I rewritten it to be more family friendly, I hope it's okay and by the rules now)

This is a long read

This is the second time I am trying to do this, it's harder than I thought, I was going to kill myself yesterday, but I thought about it and decided to give another 24h, I still feel like doing it so today is the day, here are my goodbyes!

I should begin by saying that the situation I find myself in is of my own making, no one is to blame for my troubles but myself and my own actions, but I have to say, as the idiot and simpleton I am, that debt, loneliness and grieve are the major factors that took me to make this decision of ending my life this night.

How should I write this, dear reader? How does one write down it's last thoughts before death? Should I begin like David Copperfield, " To begin my life with the beginning of my life "? Or should I just cut to the chase and say my farewells in my final message?

If it is of your interest, dear reader, to get to know me? I shall begin by saying that happiness and joy are foreign concepts to me, for in the entirety of my short existence I was reduced to a mere object, serving other peoples pleasures and desires. Like a punching bag for others to use and unload all of their frustrations and perversions. Even with the small joys I enjoyed in life, the hollowness and unhapiness that surrounded me appeared to be far greater than any thing I could come to appreciate. Also you should know that I am plagued by death, it follows me like a phantom that never leaves my side and takes away everyone I love!

Suffice to say that, ever since the tender age of seven to age nine, I was repeatedly molested by my own cousin who used to babysit me while my parents were at word, both of them also were verbally and physically abusive towards me throughout my childhood and teenage years. It got serious enough that they lost custody of me in favor of my paternal grandmother, who was the angel of my life, saving my life multiple times alongside my than girlfriend, soon to be fiancé, Lari.

Truth is, dear reader, that I am not a stable person, the abuse and trauma left me with a pletora of mental disorders that won't allow me to socialize or even do anything beyond studying for my own pleasure. Here's where it comes the debt, I own money from student loans, lots of them, hoping that someday I could repay them with the fruits of my work, but since my fiancé died of covid last year, I could no longer function, I couldn't find the strength to work or study anymore. I could no longer afford my medication, rent or basic necessities due to the loss of my job.

This is how we ended up here, at the end of the line, some will say I had it easy, good even! And they're right, my life was good, even in the worst of times I had the quality of life of a middle class man in a third world country full of poor people. I had luxury of a hot meal everyday 3 times a day and good comfortable lodgings. But isn't the soul so much more important than the vessel, dear reader? Isn't the essence, your mind and spirit so much more important than the physical body? For my entire life I was a shell of a humam being, dead already, waiting to be buried.

But I shall leave behind a message of peace, and perhaps, of hope even! For know that in the end I know my suffering will end, so will my loneliness and emptiness, I finally feel at peace and calm after a lifetime of turmoil. To you, dear reader, i beg you to learn from my life and remember to enjoy every second of life, enjoy art, music, literature, video games, whatever brings you joy! Be kind, give and seek love in this world and show how much you care about your loved ones! Remember, in this last seconds, I am a happy man, and I love you, dear reader, from the bottom of my heart!

Edit: I am sorry Dr, I've failed you