It's been 5 years since I (35f) had an actual friend. Most moved away but after learning what FP person is I now believe that's all they were to me and explains why I'm so obsessed yet they moved on and stopped talking to me like I was nothing. Then 2 were friends for almost 20 years but I never ever felt like they cared for me like I cared for them, I felt like a novelty side piece they only wanted for attention. I felt like they were never really there when I really needed them and when it was over I was the one who vowed to never ever talk to them or anyone associated with them again. I would be so nice but everyone treated me like the bad one bc when I finally lost my temper it would be INSANE and I'd maybe break something. 

Those are the 2 friendships that reallyyy fucked up who I was and I feel like I've become an entirely different person. I loath the person i was before. I even dress different, people don't even recognize me. 

Now I'm at this point where I do everything alone. I hang out at the same 2 bars for 4 years. I'm a regular and I call the other regulars "friends". However they're not real friendships. They're acquaintances. They all seem so cool and I want to be closer but every time I do something that gets me closer, hang out at their house, go to a BBQ, etc. I absolutely hate it, I hate every one, I hate myself, I feel like I'm faking it, like a fraud or I know I'll become my old loud and annoying or angry self and they'll all laugh at me when I leave and I'll hate myself for being that stupid, naive person I used to be. 

Will I feel like this forever? Does everyone else want friends but hate themselves for wanting friends? Do you ever trust yourself to have friends again? Maybe I'm just too old to connect with some one like that bc everyone knows everyone from school and I changed school 5 times and lost the only 2 people I really knew from back then. I don't even think there's a solution I just want to relate to someone on my weird friendship issues and not feel crazy.