Hello all!

So I find it impossible to focus and work on something, especially when I am alone. For example, I am now enrolled in university for the fourth time (I really struggle with it) and thus I have to study (again). I actually really love what I am studying, and I would gladly do my homeworks, all the readings etc, it is very interesting for me, but I just cannot stay still and calm enough to be able to actually do something. It is easier when there is someone next to me also doing something, but I just get this intense anxiety, frustration and boredom whenever I am alone (not only when alone though). It's been going on ever since I was a child, and I tend to engage in all kinds of maladaptive or weird self-soothing mechanisms such as compulsive masturbation, autistic-like hand flapping, walking around the apartment, overeating, heavy drinking (this one, of course, started when I was not a child anymore) and just making and drinking countless teas.

It doesn't only apply to studying and/or working, however, I just find it impossible to pull myself together to go out of house and not be late, etc. Sometimes I get so frustrated and irritated that I just end up crying, smashing things, pulling my hair out and struggling not to self harm (I am not really a self-harmer, but I do get the urges). I am not sure if this is BPD related, and no one has even clearly confirmed my BPD diagnosis, I am just wondering if anyone else experiences the same. There is no clear trigger for any of these things, and I am pretty sure it is not ADHD because I mostly only get this when home alone and not when there is someone next to me.

It is debilitating. I used to take all kinds of over-the-counter pills to pull myself together and leave the house when I was in secondary school. Now I am on prescription meds (fluvoxamine, phenibut and lamotrigine) which do not help me be calm, emotionally stable and focused anyway. Over the years I've tried countless meds and none seem to help me with this whatsoever.

Any similar experiences? What do you do? I just got myself a bottle of wine, it will probably help me calm down but won't help with studying.