Ever since I was diagnosed with BPD I've been terrified of being a bad or toxic friend and do absolutely EVERYTHING to be a good and agreeable person. Unfortunately it seems that it has had the effect where I attract toxic and manipulative people like a magnet. 

Recently my therapist straight up told me that she could tell toxic people prey on me because I'm such an easy target. It really hit me hard because on top of just generally being anxious and insecure, I have such a need to be accepted and belonging somewhere I get immediately attached to anyone who shows interest in me. I try to build healthy relationships and put everyone's needs before mine, I just try so hard to be a good friend to people because I'm terrified of falling into the BPD stereotype that we're all toxic. Whenever something bad happens I have a complete breakdown where I just tell myself repeatedly that I'm a good person in attempt to make myself feel better.

Recently I've had a huge confrontation with the guy who used to be my FP and it just made me realise how badly he's treated me all throughout our friendship. He would make everything about himself and anytime I said something about myself, he would change the subject. This happened so much that now talking about myself or my interests to people makes me uncomfortable.
Last year when we were really close and I was completely obsessed with him, he took it to his advantage and isolated me from all my other friends because "he didn't like them" and he would threaten to cut me off if he saw me talking to people who weren't him. He also told his own friends to not talk or meet up with me after he introduced us if we got along. I've had some of his other female friends message me on social media saying he was using me as an excuse to cut off other girls because "I had a crush on him", which made me super uncomfortable since I'm not even interested in men. He would guilt trip me when I didn't agree to fake date him so other girls would leave him alone. When he had completely isolated me and I was emotional dependent of him he just dropped me and I was left alone with nothing. I was in such a bad place that I was thinking of doing the worst because of how depressed I was. Thankfully I have good friends besides him who still reached out to me and I managed to get over it after a few months and eventually I accepted that we would never be friends like before. 

Recently we've made up (I just gave him another chance even though I shouldn't have) but we've had this huge fight since he was once again trying to tell me to cut off certain people and for once I wouldn't listen. He's been ignoring me and keeps posting vague and petty things on his social media about how I'm a horrible person for still being friends with people who gave him "trauma". At this point I think it would be better for me to just end things here. 

But I can't help but feel like somehow I'm still the bad person in this situation. Or I'm scared that I've picked up those behaviours and I'll redirect them towards my own friends. I'm wary of everything I say to people because I'm terrified of being perceived as toxic or manipulative. I don't know if anyone actually likes me. I'm confused and upset. I wish I could just think normally, I wish I was a nice and funny person, that I could be someone everyone wants to be friends with. But I'm scared of being a bad person in disguise.