 

Hello strangers this is my first time making a post on reddit so i hope i dont find any assholes here.

Sidenotes: when i say worse or better i mean more or less stressed out, more or less overwhelmed.

THIS SECTION IS ABOUT MY MENTAL ISSUES HISTORY AND ABOUT MY BACKGROUND. IF YOU WANT TO SKIP TO MY ISSUES IN THE PRESENT GO THE SECTION CALLED "THE PRESENT". I dont know how to make my font bold so i used caps locks.

This started in elementary school or in beginning of middle school. I had a nice upbringing in a family in which my dad made enough money so my mom didnt need to work. She didnt work and spent time in the house raising my brother and I. My family overall has been emotionally supportive except for my dad. I went to therapy in october 11th 2020. I was diagnosed with severe anxiety, OCD and moderate depression. It started off mild and slowly got worse over time. I was a high achiever in some sense but didnt really put in the effort into school until 8th grade and especially sophomore year. I played soccer and violin but school was pretty boring for the most part. I tried make things interesting and more enjoyable in school by making people in class laugh as often as possible. I wasnt good at socializing for the most part and i didnt know what to say unless i had something funny to say. I spent as much free time as i could on videogames and watching videos and on the weekends hanging out with friends sometimes. Now shit really starting getting bad in sophomore year. As i was trying to achieve more and accomplish more i started obsessing about performing the best i possibly could and did everything i could improve my performance and to feel as good as possible. So i started focusing on my sleeping habits and change them, what i would eat and other things. But the issue is i started obsessing over it and the obsession got worse over time. I caused so many issues for my family with these issues of mine and it was incredibly shitty. I would go to my mom often to argue talk and to beg for some sort of miracle advice. My mom is the nicest fucking person ever. She would be too nice for the family members but she stood her ground when dealing with other people and issues. I would breakdown and cry in front of her and she always listened to me. Everyone went to her for their own issues and on top of that she was working at school ( she started my junior year) as a full time job somehow managing to be sane and energetic and kind. My brother sleeps late and the house had thin walls so everything is easy to hear in the house even from the bottom to top floor on the 3 story house. So there were a lot of arguments with my brother as i grew less tolerant of hearing sounds at night time when i was in bed. I would go to bed at 9:30 pm almost every night. My parents were of course involved and lots of fights and breakdowns were involved as i grew more stressed and anxious. Junior year comes by and i skip the last month and half of school because i thought i had fatigue that was caused by a physical issue so i thought i needed to stay in bed for 2 weeks all day everyday. Senior year comes by and i dont attend first semester. I start seeing a therapist on october 1st though and thats when i learned what i most likely had.

I went to 2nd semester in person for only 2 classes and the rest could be taken from home because i had to attend school by law. I improved upon my ocd symptoms and stress levels after a year went by (i graduated with 2.91 gpa). By the way i took bio, chem and honors algebra 2 and honors lit freshman year. For sophomore year i took AP Biology, honors pre-calculus, and physics. For junior year i took AP physics, AP calculus BC (differential integral and power series), and AP spanish ( i grew up in a spanish speaking household so it wasnt too hard). I still felt like shit and still broke down often but i didnt cause as much problems to my family. My ocd symptoms seemed to have disappeared but i still didnt know why i was suffering so much and unable to do anything i wanted to do. I wanted to do self studying for math and physics, play soccer, and exercise in general. I wanted to actually do chores around the house but couldnt get myself to do it. I started looking for a full time job because i figured i would improve if put in a situation where i am forced to do things. I started on november and biked 15 mile round trips combined with taking the bus for a total round trip time of 4 hours everyday i had to get up at 5:30 am everyday which wasnt too much of an issues since i went to bed normally between 9:30 and 10 pm. But it sucked because i always stay in bed a few more hours than i need to. It seemed like i was slightly improving for 1 month. It wasnt much harder than where i was before working a job vs doing nothing but scrolling through my phone. After that month for the next 2 months i went downhill and i eventually quit after working for a total of 3 months. I crashed like i never have before and stayed in bed almost all day every day for almost 2 weeks. That was the lowest i have ever felt in my life. I continued to do nothing as a few months went by. I then started to wash dishes in april or may which was something new. Then i decided i wanted to have my one and only best friend live with me while parents left to el salvador for a month. So i had the house to myself and my friend while my brother was off somewhere else. I was forced to start cooking which we did everyday and started cleaning more everyday until it became routine. I still cook and do chores till this day. Again i was improving but still felt like shit and couldnt get myself to do much besides what i already did on a daily and weekly basis. So i needed to start university in another country or work a full time job that is unrewarding at least with the knowledge and skill i had. By the way i say in another country because my dad doesnt want to pay for the expensive tuition here in the US. So i decided to go to italy. Because i wanted to go to university and i had to choose an option because my parents are moving to another country and i couldnt stay at home if i wanted to. I go to italy and shit happens.

THE PRESENT

So i come to italy on the 2nd of september 2021 and of course there are issues when moving to a new place like everyone deals with. I signed a contract so that i could live in a fully furnished apartment. I arrive here and i have to live in a temporary apartment for 5 days due to the apartment not even having my bed yet. So i come 5 days later and the apartment doesnt even have most of the furniture promised. This is a shared apartment by the way. And at this point i am a god in socializing compared to where i was before. Like a literal god. That is a nice improvement form my awful social anxiety back then. Now fast forward to the time of this post i still dont have half the furniture promised in the apartment. But i have a fridge at least in the kitchen. I am attending university to study italian for a year so that i can begin my degree in italian. The plan is electrical engineering for now. This is just the plan. Learning it isn't too difficult for me after growing up with spanish and both languages have incredible amounts of similarities.

I am a 19 year old Male that is looking for some serious help. Now before you tell me to look for a therapist and take medication, i am looking for s therapist. I have taken 3 types of medications. Paxil for 3 months side effects: incredible anger suicidal ideation and acted upon it without harming myself. So almost. It didnt help me out. I took 2 others which i forget the names. It was an ssri and snri. Fucking did jackshit. And fuck the side effects. No more medication after last taking it september 2020. I have been doing plenty and adapting to plenty of things here in italy. But now i am back again in a slump not wanting to anything unless it is the most basic of things which i can still struggle to do. After spending a good sunday travelling to a beautiful medium sized city in italy up in the mountains to hike i come back tired and sleep mostly well throughout the night. Monday, yesterday, i wake up dont leave the apartment or my room unless to eat or use bathroom. I dont talk with my roommates and i do basically nothing. Today tuesday i wake up and again same thing except i feel slightly better than yesterday and spending more time outside of room but still havent left apartment. I havent gone to school yesterday and today. I dont see how things can really improve from here. Just like my job i can only do so much before crashing down. I may be able to have a good time in the mountains although still could feel the stress but it was still good. I just dont see how i can change significantly in the long term or enough to be able to adapt to a life in which i have daily responsibilities to do like school and things i want to do. As for things i want to do i still struggle to do them but it has been easier to not focus on things i want to do because i have a shit ton of things i need to do. So overall not too bad but honestly i have so much undealt stress to deal with and i know it is not simply depression. Just like a year ago i have made progress but it is like there is this massive elephant in the room (my mind) that hasnt been addressed yet that i dont even know what the fuck it is and why i cant work with that part of my mind to move forward. I am willing ot do what it wants to do so together that part if my mind and myself can move forward. If it is some sort of specific purpose it wans to pursue in life i will do it. I just want this things to tell me what to do to move forward. Anxiety and depression and other mental illnesses generally exist to tell us that we need to change something. That we need to either quit this stressful job get out of a toxic relationship or stop putting too much pressure on ourselves. I try to go though everyday life without trying to figure how to fucking fix this. But everytime i face it and try to deal with it i cant figure what the fuck it is that bothers me. That gets me so stressed out. That drives me fucking nuts. Now besides the massive unknown issues in my head in my mind, there is ony real tangible issue that cant be addressed until the issues in my mind can be dealt with first.

Unlike my job there will be some nasty negative consequences if i decide to quit. If i dont go to school this week i fail the year. Although i can keep learning i fail the year. And since i dont see this improving enough anytime soon i dont see myself being able to do school. But the other option is to go back home and work a full time job. I cant get myself to work a full time fucking job. So if i dont, i wont have money. And my dad said, if you dont go to university and you stay i nthe states to work a job i wont need to give you money. If i choose not to work a job i wont get money from him. In other words i will have to resort to couch surfing and real soon afterwards homelessness. Now i dont want to go back to the states. I want to go to university here and move forward. But i just cant see this working given the circumstances. I am simply overwhelmed. I am simply in other words fucked unless i can change. Healthcare here is basically free and good tuition is fucking cheap and i dint have to worry about money living here and neither do my parents while funding me.

Help me please. I am desperate