this is my first post, so i am sorry if this violates anything, offends anyone, etc. i don’t have bpd, but please know that i am researching and trying to get a grasp on this disorder as best as i can. sorry if I don’t understand anything &gt;.&lt;

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 this may be kinda long and not explained well, so sorry about this..

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warning: mentions of suicide, possible mental abuse. 

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this may get deleted in respect of privacy, fyi.

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sorry if this triggers any of you guys :((((

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background:

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my friend and I are minors. i’m a 14F and she’s 14F. we both are in middle school so we are quite young. we suspect she has undiagnosed bpd after research done and stuff. our relationship was pretty rocky, but things have gotten better for the most part.

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we both are girls who play games, and we have a pretty rowdy friend group. everyone gets along well for the most part

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things were rocky at first. my friend struggled with loosing their best friend who dropped her over some drama they had at a sleepover. she quickly gravitated to me and..became infatuated with me very quickly. i didn’t know about bpd at the time so i was very oblivious.

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she cared a lot about me, would always talk to me, she got along with everyone. up until things happened.

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she started opening up about her mental health issues. it was okay at first and i could handle it, but overtime it got worse and worse. venting multiple times a day, having episodes while gaming, etc. she would get mad over seemingly little things and I was the one to deal with the brute of her emotions, not anyone else.

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i can barely even remember much from the events that involved me and her (ig my brain locked it out. i can barely remember things ever since the very long incident) but i do remember having trouble enforcing boundaries,

and i was so scared of her getting mad that id lie about things to her (such as saying i wasn’t asking for help about our relationship to anyone else when i really was, etc).

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she also would get very upset every time I’d play on my pc instead of my console since she didn’t have a pc, so that became a trigger.

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she also would get very, very jealous if i played any games with my friends and without her and would even gaslight me into not playing without her. 

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she also believes that even on accident, if I make her upset, that I should calm her down and help her. 

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it..wasn’t pretty and I became pretty cold to her at one point because i was hurt over her repeated actions, using me as a therapist, etc. 

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it’s a horrible thing to do. after the event passed i’ve apologized to her and did a lot of research about bpd to help become a better friend to her. i spoke up to her and about the problems

i had and i tried my best to enforce boundaries she also tried harder to manage her mood and not take things out on me as much.

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in a way things got better, but i currently find her to be very controlling of me.

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\*current\*

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i hope i’m not being selfish or anything..but i’ve been feeling suffocated by my friend. she and i appear offline to play games together to sometimes catch a break from the rowdiness our friends being, but she’s been wanting to do it more and more to the point where i haven’t even talked to them in 6 months because of it.

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not to mention, she’s also gets very upset whenever i’d mention I’m tired of appearing offline and i can’t even bring the topic up without her saying anything.

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she also doesn’t allow me to talk with them..

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she also gets upset if we don’t have enough time to play the games she chooses. 

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not to mention, most of her triggers revolve around me and oooh me doing things. an example of this is if I listen to stray kids ( one of the many kpop bands I like) or kpop in general, she fumes and rages because she doesn’t like kpop due to me calling them attractive or something. i guess she perceived it as me sexualizing them (which i wouldn’t do anyways) and bans me from listening to them. i get (we cal is sus) sexual themes and dirty jokes trigger her..but i kinda find it unfair..i also can’t play games like valorant on pc because she hates me playing on pc. 

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she even got mad and threatened to commit suicide and said all these suicidal things and was so enraged when my mother made me sign up for a summer class at a local college to learn about psychology and stuff since that’s what i like.

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the list goes on, and I feel so trapped. she cares so much about me and stuff, and loves me. she compliments me so much and is so sweet and bubbly..

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i feel horrible for talking about some of her bad habits and how it affects me, but..i don’t wanna be called selfish for wanting to play with other friends and i feel so trapped by her. i feel like I can’t even bring this up to her because i

don’t wanna make her upset or get shamed.

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she loves me to death, i love her to death, but I wish the poor girl would at least either get some help or stop doing this. it’s clear that I’m her favorite person and it’s getting so unhealthy. she has such an unhealthy attachment to me and always either assumes im doing something bad or focuses on the old (and very toxic) version of me.

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it’s been stressing me out..idk what to do guys. i’m only in middle school and idk what i can do..

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please help me seek advice for me and my friend. im so tired and i don’t wanna leave her.

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she’d literally commit suicide if I do and i don’t wanna loose my best friend. we’ve been through a lot and we’ve had so many fun parties and sleepovers.

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ik im not perfect and im sorry if im complaining.

i just..need input on this so i can at least try and help fix the relationship. thank you for reading &lt;3