TW: alcohol 

my anxiety began around the second semester of freshman year in high school. i was always a more shy and introverted kid, but I never really felt like that affected my life until 9th grade. i don’t really know why or how it began. it could have been from my self consciousness, concerning my body and my face, or it could be pressure from my parents to do well in school, or it could just be the will to fit in. idk. it began really subtle, something i would randomly feel in my stomach at times and some slight nervousness when talking to people. however it got really bad really fast. before i knew it i would spend all of class hoping i don’t get called on by the teacher, my palms constantly sweating and my throat tightening up. it got to the point that when i was asked to read even a simple paragraph from our book in english i would choke up and had to tell my teacher i couldn’t finish in front of the whole class. however at this time it was still manageable. i was still able to go outside and have social interaction and really just be myself especially when i was around friends. then the pandemic happened. suddenly after a summer of staying home with little to no contact with friends or anybody outside home i realized that i had begun to lose social skills. that’s also around the time when i really began experiencing physical side effects of anxiety. i like to sing and my voice is very important to me so my throat tightness was and still is the most noticeable and painful. idk how but my body sort of forgot how to talk. like i literally forgot how to use my voice. i began constantly straining my voice trying to make it sound normal and deep but instead producing a very hoarse unnatural sorta sound. i developed techniques to talk without it hurting but i’m still using my voice consciously every time. i’m also consciously breathing. then the anxiety attacks started and now i’m also experiencing depersonalization. i used to have bad anxiety throughout the day but usually in the morning when i just woke up i always felt pretty normal. now though, it’s so bad in the morning. i think of everything i have to do that day and all the experiences and conversations i need to have and it scares the shit out of me to the point where i can’t even get myself to get out of bed. i’m only 16 and this has been going on for more than a year but it sucks because it’s literally ruining my life. i can’t do the hobbies i like, i can’t even have proper conversations with friends and family and i’m fucking up my grades and tests. this is the most crucial time for me academically and i literally don’t know what to do with myself. i took the ap euro test today and i found myself not being able to concentrate at all, completely forgetting everything i have learned this year. i turned to drinking at least 1 glass of alcohol before i have any human interaction even if it’s just over zoom. i realize how pathetic that sounds but it’s the only way i can calm my nerves so that i can be relaxed enough to talk. my whole body and my head are so fucked up, like my throat is constantly tight, i’m subconsciously holding my breath all the time, and my stomach is always feeling queasy. i don’t even have anybody to talk to about this who will genuinely believe me and take care. my parents would dismiss it as irrelevant and would leave me feeling even worse than i am rn so that’s not really an option. idk what the fuck to do anymore man.