First off, it’s nice there’s flair for travel. I was a little surprised to see that.

So, I have PTSD from being in the military, and my biggest irrational fear is crowds. I don’t like how I can’t see what everyone is doing, too much motion going on, too many people that are too close to me. That’s basically what was going on every time shit hit the fan, and I get so extremely uneasy in those situations now. 

I moved into the country after getting out of the military, and I keep my distance from Minneapolis and the surrounding areas for this exact reason. It’s also the reason I quit driving truck. 

I haven’t flown commercially since before I deployed, and it really wasn’t an issue then. Now, I’m on the verge of full on panicking just thinking about it. 

My girlfriend decided last minute she wanted to go to Florida and booked a few tickets, rented a car and an AirBnB. I told her I REALLY don’t want to fly. She knows I don’t like crowds but refuses to acknowledge how bad it is. She thinks anxiety is made up and it’s an excuse to get out of doing stuff, so I normally try to divert the plan to something else to avoid the people. She wanted to go down to Mall of America once, there just flat out was no way in hell I was doing that. I picked up an extra load for work and weaseled my way out of it. 

I told her I would rather drive down to Florida. She said she’s not driving down there with 2 kids, so I told her the 3 of them can fly and I’ll book a load of Pontoons, meet her down there, and the pontoon load will pay for the majority of the trip between my fuel, the plane tickets, and the AirBnB. Plus we can save a few hundred on a rental car because we’d have my pickup. She thinks I’m just trying to get out of flying with 2 children and she says I’m not sticking her pregnant ass on a plane with 2 kids to deal with.

So I’m sitting here finishing up packing and it’s getting to crunch time. I’m starting to think about going to the airport and holy fuck. Panic is setting in. I’m literally almost crying thinking about the crowds at the airport and how close everyone is to each other, and everything going on. The people reaching into their bags, walking fast around me like they’re trying to get away from something, everyone playing on their phones, having to drop my focus on what’s going on around me because my kids aren’t listening, not having the option to escape or any form of personal protection because it’s not allowed in an airport.

Just thinking about it, my throat is swelling up, I’m sweating, my heart is racing. I just feel like curling up into the fetal position and rocking back and forth (sometimes I do that, it actually does work). This is supposed to be a “fun” trip to Florida and I honestly am considering bailing on it last minute. 

My anxiety has gotten much better since my lowest ever low the weekend before Valentine’s Day 2 years ago (exactly 2 years from tomorrow) where it got so bad I attempted suicide by vehicle “accident”. I pulled the parking brake at over 100mph on an icy corner while jerking the wheel. It didn’t work, I didn’t even get injured, all I got was a totaled vehicle and my ass stuck upside down in the ditch in the middle of nowhere. I had to shovel my way through the snow with bare hands to get out of the car. I ended up walking 8 miles in -20ish (real temp) weather through 2’+ of snow to get back to the lake my ice house was on while wearing a waffle shirt, a thin flannel, and jeans with holes in them. My phone managed to vanish in the process, so even if I wanted to call someone, it wasn’t an option. I don’t want that again.