Its rough realizing that you are the source of all your problems in life, that if it weren't for me, multiple people would have had better lives having never met me. Realizing that most, if not all of the blame, in multiple relationships, both platonic and romantic falling apart, can go on me. 10 years of my life, more even, have been ruined by my trauma and my subsequent mental illness(es). My hurt has caused me to hurt other people in ways that make me sick to my stomach. I always thought to myself, "It was that one relationship that fucked everything up" or something along those lines. Or it was the alcohol making me act the way I was, or the drugs, or my place in life, or other people's actions, and you know, maybe. Those were only additions to my underlying issue. I can't remember the last time I was able to really *control* my emotions, the last time in the middle of an argument with a partner or a friend where I was just able to *let go* of my anger. Even if I was SO wrong, I still had to feel like I was right. Like I won. I've lost everybody, and its my own damn fault. That's what hurts the most. I wish I could have been better when it actually meant something to someone.