I'm in a depressive state and in that headspace of why this happened to me. About 13 years ago I used to meditate a lot and that was about when I felt religiously enlightened. Then it went downhill. I sometimes wonder if it was real, except instead of proper enlightenment and nirvana, my consciousness got lost in the process towards achieving it, and is now stuck in limbo between this plane of existence and enlightenment, constantly in suffering of some kind of dreadful purgatory-like existence for my consciousness. And all the meds and therapy are just a half ass way to cope with it, but only releasing my consciousness back into full enlightenment would cure me, but that is easier said than done.