 I was due to be a bridesmaid along with our group of university roomies.

Due to Covid, I had to cancel my flight to her country and couldn´t attend the wedding in person. Naturally, this broke my heart since I hadn´t seen that group of friends in over two years and they were my closest friends. I was bound to make the virtual wedding attendance as good as it could get.

Eventhough I had a fever, a sore throat and felt like death, I decorated my living room with pictures from our university time. Cleaned, baked pink cupcakes and got dressed up in my bridesmaid dress to - and put on make up (something I never do.) It had been a super shitty few weeks, and I was ready to join in on the celebration - even if only as a little voyeuristic square on a laptop.

My bestie had assured me that they would make it work, (after we had cried over skype knowing that I wouldn´t be able to be there.) The bridal party video-called me for a little bit of the "getting ready" and made sure to place the laptop in a front row seat for the ceremony in the church. The church ceremony was not really a big deal since it was mostly just a gesture of appeasement for one of in-laws. One of the other bridesmaids, also a best friend of over a decade, said she would call me back from the reception and ended the video call. So, I refreshed my make up, put on a party playlist, drank some sparkling wine and waited.

and waited....

and waited...

I started worrying that something had happened.

I waited some more.

I refreshed the link like crazy.

I knew they would never forget me on purpose. Literally, we were a solid friend unit.

At 3 AM (my time) I decided to go to bed, thinking of all the possible crazy things that could have happened that would have prevented them from calling me back.

The next morning, I cried, knowing I had missed a once in a lifetime moment. The thing that hurts the most about living in a different country is missing these moments. Not being there to bring soup when a grandparent dies, not being there when children are born,not being there when a milestone is reached or a promotion is achieved. For the most part, I have accepted missing these things. But a wedding, that was another level of milestone.

And it hurt.

The bridesmaid who was supposed to call me back, wrote me the following email which just felt like a big rusty knife being twisted into my already broken heart.

*"Hey (name),* 

*So (Bride´s name) is currently a bit hungover, but she wanted to let you know we had a lot of fun last night, and even though we wished you were there, we made the best of it and had a great time.* 

*We will party again when you can be in the country!"* 

I sat for hours waiting for her to call me, waiting for any kind of sign from the people that I considered family. They were the people I thought of when I had a rough day. My tribe, my homies, my idea of "home" has always been the house we shared and our run down couches. I put pictures of them in my notebook, so I didn´t feel alone when I was in a new place, because seeing them reminded me that I had a "tribe."

And it hurt. I´m crying as I´m writing this because it hurt so goddammuch. All I wanted was to be a little square watching my best friend´s wedding. I wanted to see the first dance, I wanted to see the grandparents dancing, I wanted to see the real part of the wedding - so I could close my eyes and imagine I was there. Even if it was pixalated. Even if it only worked for five minutes before the battery dies.

The apology I got from the friend who was supposed to call was: " *Sorry you feel left out, but it is what it is being in a different country."*

"It is what it is."

Sure, it is.

But it still, really fucking hurts.

Alot.

Because nonetheless, they are my people. But I feel, like I´m not one of their "people" just because I´m in a different time zone.

 I have worked so hard for my BPD to be in control, and I manage real well. But....this situation hurts just too much.