1. I have bpd 
2. I know it's objectively wrong to hurt people but there's this deep nitpicking urge inside of me to do it. 

I broke up with my gf. I've been wanting to for months so I did it. The next day I asked for her back (due to comfort for my loneliness rather than actual feelings for her). She said no (wisely) because she knows her mental limits (me). Now I want her to hurt emotionally for rejecting me because how dare she (sarcasm but I guess not really). 

Here are some reasons I think I have this urge:
1. I'm self loathing and insecure and this is a huge power play
2. I'm bitter and mean and want to see others hurt as a way to cope with my own internalized and repressed emotions. 
3. I'm a sociopath? Doubt it but who does stuff like this with a shred of sanity/decency left?

I know what buttons to push with her. I know how to make her really go to the edge. I know how to make her never forget me again. All through words and emotions. 

I don't want to do it. It's messed up. But deep down I do. 

Ultimately I would like to walk away from this but I can't. I want to emotionally hurt her. Why? What is wrong with me? 

Why is it that I feel the need to have the last jab?  The whole relationship was a lie. I never loved her. I did what I did for personal gain that I won't go into. Sick. I know. People like me should not date. People like me need therapy and better socialization, I know. Trust me. 

I've deleted her on all social media as a preemptive. I genuinely do not have feelings for her but I think it's a control thing or a sick and twisted high. 

My brother is a sociopath. Legitimately. I don't think I am. I don't want to be anything--not a sociopath, not borderline, nothing. 

I cry. I hurt. I laugh. I have feelings like everyone else but sometimes I wonder, what if a little bit of my brothers... mental instability... is in me. I know some things I do are sick. I'm a manipulator. A liar. I know this. I'm not trying to get all r/imverybadass because I'm truly not. I just want to know wtf is wrong with me. 