That imaginary abandonment is creeping back in.


My current partner was texting other girls for a while to "keep his options open" at the start of our relationship. It had stopped before i found out and i did follow up on it and it doesnt appear to have started up again, but i think about it constantly...


I love him and other than that one thing hes perfect. Hes funny, understanding and does so much for me. [hes basically my house wife while i go to work]


But hes somewhat distant with me for a day, and not even all that distant and im straight away assuming hes going to leave, hes found someone else, he doesnt love me anymore...


its so painful staying in a long term relationship when youre own insecurities make you mentally separate over and over... 

the upside is i get to fall back in love with them over and over but still.


Ive felt so lost lately. I feel like my life has no meaning and the only thing of value now is this relationship. I cut ties with my family because of the abuse but that leaves me with no one if this goes down the shitter. Which is why i stayed with the abuse for so long... 


all this hanging over my head is tiggering the suicidal ideation again. I just dont want to deal with it anymore. I dont want to die but when no one will listen to me what other option do i have.


I used to believe i was bi-polar because i woud experience high moods that were so incredible. I felt so alive and free and powerful. but its been maybe 8 months since ive felt anything but empty or depressed. 


All the weight i lost trying to get myself on track and show myself some love. Ive put back on binge eating trying to give myself just something to actually enjoy.


Id self harm if it werent for my partner. I dont think he'd appreciate me slicing at myself. 


Work also put a fucking investigation against me because i was smashing my targets and thats apparently suspicious when no one else was [bear in mind its a call center that ive been at 2.5 years and everyone else had been there less than 6 months and some had only started this week] jokes on them, 100% compliance.


I simply just exist. I am not a character in my own life. Im just sorta here.