I wanna go to a psychiatrist so bad but im scared to tell my parents. I just destroyed my 2 years old friendship with my best friend.  Only one that i had. I feel bad for how i made them feel. I feel like a fucking monster i was manipulative and toxic towards them but they were still with me. I was just jelaous. She made another friend and i started thinking that she started to hate me and thst she doesnt care about me. One moment i miss her and want to cry, and moments later i hate her. I dont even understand what im doing. I think i habe bpd, i have to talk to someone. Im lost. I ruined only thing that mattered to me. The only person that cared about me. I told them to give me time, and she really seems like she wants to come back to me after i  change but i dont really believe it. I dont think it will be the same after all. But maybe, after all that we have been through it will be better, but i dont know if i want to return to this relationship. Im affraid that i will feel the same and same ad thats why i ended it because  the whole relationship, i was on an emotional rollercoaster. Once i thought that im the world to her, and minutes later i thoufht like she dgaf about me. I just needed to vent guys i dont understand fucking anything. I want to change, but at the same time something is stopping me from doing it.