I've always been uncomfortable with people knowing about my struggles with mental illness. I tend to feel inhuman or like a monster. I'm afraid people close to me look at me like that because of my struggles with BPD, self harm, and OCD. I think my feeling of fear that people think I'm a monster (or that I actually am) probably stems from my BPD, but in any case, it's something present in my life right now and something I have a hard time with. 

Last week when I went to therapy I ran into someone I know from my gym. His regular job is construction/remodeling and his company is apparently doing work in the building that my therapy office is in. I'm going to call this guy C. C was working on the hallway that's across from my therapy office's door. In short, he found out that I see a therapist. Later in the week I saw C at the gym we're in and I mentioned that it wasn't on my itinerary to run into him a few days prior. 

The reason I'm even seeing a therapist is because of some of the other people at my gym convinced me I should go see one and that it's not a weak thing to do. I've had many discussions with these people about what goes on inside my head. I'm now closer to those people and they feel more like family to me. My fear was that others at the gym had noticed this and were making assumptions or speculations about what's been up with me. Because I now had the opportunity to ask someone at the outer rings of my circle (that someone being C because he accidentally found out that I see a therapist) about this, I did. C told me that nobody has made or shared any assumptions or speculations about me. C also said that people like having me at the gym. 

I didn't specify my struggles to C, so he doesn't know about my BPD, OCD, or self harm. However I did say that I felt uncomfortable that others knew about the fact that I see a therapist. His response went something like this; "Why? There's nothing wrong with seeing therapist. I've seen one....and the world is fucking crazy now anyway". It's crazy to me to think that he's seen a therapist and how I've been discovering more and more people I know have seen one. And on top of that, the people in my life who have seen a therapist are some of the strongest people I know; people who are leaders and who command the respect of others. 

That wasn't the only thing that gave me some hope. I also said to C that "I'm sure people can tell that I'm messed up". To which he responded: "You're not messed up". It was so simple, genuine, honest, and was spoken so casually. I don't know why that's had such an effect on me. I've always flipped between gaslighting myself into thinking "I'm fine" and telling myself I'm the most messed up, disgusting, horrible person to live and that I'm a parasite on others. Hearing C say that I'm not messed up made me realize that I'm not a bad person; I'm not "fine", but I'm not a monster and I am not inherently a piece of shit. I have problems, but I'm a strong and good *human* at my core. 

I just wanted to share that bit of positivity. Hope y'all are doing okay today, thanks for reading.