I've noticed that most of my problems with my SO stem from a fundamental inability on both people's parts to understand what the world is like on the other side.

For me, my world view is simplistic: if you love someone, you don't hurt them on purpose. You don't do something you know will hurt them. If you do, then you don't love them. If you do, and insist that you love them, then you're a liar.

My SO, of course, sees the shades of grey. Things are complex and complicated; he insists that these are not mutually exclusive statements, which I literally don't understand because my world just... doesn't work like that i.e. classic splitting yada yada.

The thing is, it's not like I don't ever hurt him. If he tries to point out that there are times when I love him but still hurt him, then my answer is simply that during those times, I don't actually love him. When I try and insist my way into getting what I want despite knowing that it's not what *he* wants, I don't love him. Loving someone is about self-sacrifice and putting the other person's needs in front of yours, which I am incapable of doing when I'm emotional.

But now I'm starting to wonder if the reason why I "switch" so drastically to either hatred or indifference is because otherwise, my behavior will not compute in my world. Since my perspective is that hurting someone means you don't love them, if I want to persist in doing something that will hurt him, then it must mean I don't love him. And then I either: a) feel so guilty about not loving him well enough that it starts the spiral of self-hatred and self-loathing; or b) use it as a green light to continue doing what *I* want, since I don't love him anyway and don't have to bother about his feelings.

I know my world view is overly black and white, and I know it doesn't make sense in the "real" world. I know it's something that needs to be changed if I want to be able to function properly in the "real" world with the "normal" people. But it's something that feels completely, utterly real to *me*. This is how I've looked at love my entire life: if you love someone, you do whatever it takes to make them happy. You get off the plane. You move heaven and earth to be with them. And I don't know how to alter something that feels so fundamental to my life and my entire world.

I guess I want to know:

1. DAE?

2. Why and how did this warped perception occur in the first place?

3. Has anyone managed to get over this, and how?

My therapist is going to be away for 3 weeks; I'll bring it up to her when she's back. In the meantime, I'd be interested in seeing what you guys have to say.