Triggering parts are spoiled out.

So, technically speaking, I've been diagnosed with BPD for a year and a half now.

Growing up, my mom told me all these horrible things about people with BPD. *^(Stigma Mention)* &gt;!She said people who have it are manipulative, that they need to have control for every situation and enjoy playing with people, and that they are cruel and uncaring.!&lt; She based this all on a woman she knew in theater  who had BPD and acted this way.

So, when I was diagnosed, I felt trapped. I had always thought I was a terrible person, and this seemed to confirm that. I pulled away from the people around me. I stopped going out. I shut everything down. *^(Suicide mention:)* &gt;!I would not be abusive. I would find a dark hole and kill myself in quiet before I used and abused people.!&lt; I was terrified of myself. I was terrified of my thoughts. I was terrified of my emotions. I was terrified of my mother hating me.

My mom marched me straight into the office of my pdoc and explained to him that I did not have BPD. Bipolar and panic disorder, yes, but not BPD.

 I had researched the symptoms and found little work arounds for the DSM, just enough to come up a symptom short of a diagnosis. 

Feeling empty? No. I have never felt literally zero emotions at a time before. (I left out that I counted 'zero emotions' as 'zero thoughts, basically dead, completely unable to feel anything even frustration from not being able to feel anything, basically in a trance.' Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's unrealistic.)

Unstable relationships? No. I've only dated 4 people in my life, and I've been comfortably living with the most recent one for two years and he loves me and I love him, and we're stable. What I left out?  I would get best friends who I became very close to, then ghosted when things got too heated. But I just didn't count that as a relationship, because it wasn't romantic.

The rest I either couldn't get around or didn't have. But shaving off two symptoms was enough.

So, my mom came in with me, I presented the case that I didn't have it, she agreed and basically forced my doctor to remove the diagnosis.

For the first time in months I felt free. I could socialize with people at work. I wasn't afraid to connect with people. I didn't feel like I was a ticking time bomb ready to make them all despise and hate me.

But, my life still had extreme drama. After the appointment, my brother moved out of my mom and step dad's abusive home to live with me (he turned 18 and graduated) but he also brought his 17 year old, bipolar girlfriend who was homeless and previously addicted to drugs. Pease note, that we had been planning my brother moving in with me for about 5 years, but a teenage girlfriend was never part of the deal.

Here's how that went:

My mom tried to ask me to be the girl's guardian, I agreed, then immediately regretted it. The girl and me had a fight, and two days before I was going on vacation to Ireland said girl came to me and told me a stalker from her own town was sending pizzas to MY address with my brother's name on it and she was worried they were soliciting her for money.

She then went to the police about it. It turned out to be an online bullying thing, but my mind was already worked up with fear and anxiety. I had a solid 24 hour panic attack where I was delusional and terrified that a stalker would come and break down the door. My brother had previously walked me through my house and showed me all the ways a robber could get in.

All that ended in me screaming at my brother and his girlfriend because even though this 17yo had been practically living in my house, I didn't have her crackhead homeless mother's phone number.

They moved back into my abusive step father's house saying that they rather deal with his *^(Abuse and neglect and bad coping)* &gt;!narcissism PTSD and alcoholism than me. And that they would rather deal with dog shit everywhere, screaming children, and a messy neglected house than me. Ya, I had yelled at them in a few panic attacks, but I didn't threaten to beat him,  I...god I just felt so lost. I cried and cried and cried and drank so much booze I got sick.!&lt;

Then I went on vacation and Aer Lingus Baggage lost my lithium. Our vacation started, not in the peaceful countryside, but in dublin which is full of people, lights, music, and political unrest.

But my BF and I eventually got my luggage back and escaped to the countryside. He became my fiance even through all this crazy, plus we got to have sex in a wheatfield by the ocean, so, overall positive experience.

Yesterday, I went back to my first therapy appointment since I had the diagnosis taken off. It had been a month. This appointment was with my therapist, not my pdoc. She broke it to me that borderline was still on my list of midfucks. I cried my eyes out and bargained with everything I had. She wouldn't budge.

She managed to talk me down more or less and sign me up for DBT. I have two of my first appointments coming next month. I'm scared, but I really could use it.

This knowledge didn't stop me from ^(explicit alcohol mention) &gt;!going home and curling up on the floor with one bottle of 7up and one bottle of crown royal!&lt;. I cried all night last night. My fiance works graveyard, so he came home, scooped me off the floor and got me to bed. I love him. 

I barely made it through work, feeling like a total zombie. But the thing is, the last month of feeling free has gained me friends at work. They were there for me today, and I'm not used to that from people I'm not dating.  Typically, the person I'm dating is the only relaxed relationship I have. Everybody else I constantly believe to hate me. But that gave me some hope that I could make friends. They know I have issues, so, I'm hoping that just being honest with them about what I'm feeling will deflect conflict. I'm planning a D&amp;D night, and I'm getting good at cooking.

My brother still hates me, my mom is acting like nothing is wrong, and things could go really well for me or they can keep getting worse.

I'm just really fucking scared.

I'm new to this , and I guess it's not going away for awhile. I could use someone to talk to.