

i don’t think things are ever going to get better. i have too much trauma to unpack and not really anyone else to share with other than a therapist who gives nothing but “i’m sorry” and dumb common sense solutions. i really wish i could dump all these thoughts somewhere so i’ll try reddit i guess.

my childhood was okay until i moved to the state i’m currently living in. in my third grade class i was the only black student. a lot of microagressions and mistreatment from teachers happened to me when i was young and it was very traumatizing. most times when other kids picked on me it got dismissed. my first teacher here used to write me up for anything and my parents started to believe i was a bad kid. i went through puberty very early and got picked on because of my body and acne. it really destroyed my self image and confidence. 

in highschool i had some friends because  i was the funny one. people would only really talk to me if i would make a fool of myself or say something funny. a lot of those people went. which i expected. i had one longtime friend from highschool and we eventually stopped talking at some points she was my only friend but she wasn’t a good one. at times i would open up to her she couldn’t care less. i opened up to her about being sexually harassed as a child and how it scared me and she told me what happened to me wasn’t valid.

since then i haven’t made any friends because i’m so afraid of that happening to me again. i’ve spent every evening alone now for around 4 years. my parents couldn’t care less. they always invalidated how i felt about how i was treated as a kid so i never bothered speaking about anything personal. my family has been dysfuctional for the past 4 years my father is secretly an alcoholic and is ruining his health nobody wants to talk about anything. i dont want to die cause i dont want to make them sad. but i dont wanna live with the way i feel everyday. its hard to speak to people, finish school or take care of myself. i feel like i’m wasting away.

sorry if this was long. i just wanted to dump my feelings somewhere.