After years of emotional struggle and hardship, my life is finally getting better. I have found someone who I love and who loves me, I have a job opportunity, my health is somewhat decent. But yet still. I am plagued by the same old questions. Why be? Why try? Why not just die? 

I have been captivated by the idea of death for so long that I cannot imagine thinking about any future event without having the comfort of knowing that I am gonna end my life soon. That thought helped for the longest time, no matter what, I can just end it all. But now, now I feel torn between meaninglessness and an edge, and edge that seems so beautiful even now. I wanna scream, let go and be free. But I don't even know what this "freedom" is anymore. The weight I carry seems heavier than ever, and I have no hope, no light at the end of the tunnel. Absolutely nothing that can tell me exactly what life or existence is, to put everything in a way that I could understand and feel. I still feel left in the dark and wondering why I exist, or why everything is so rotten and ugly. 

After two failed attempts at hanging myself, I know that the next time I try, there will be nothing to stop me. Because in the meantime I have continued to push the limit of what I thought was my rock bottom. I fear that the next time I fall there again, I won't be able to fix it as I will be gone forever.

I am tired, and.. it's tiring to just "be". To exist, to be in the middle of the "good" and "bad" parts of life, the absolute mediocrity. Nothingness, unimportant, useless and forgettable pieces of living.

No amount of anything worthwhile and good could ever be painted over this disgusting and twisted existence.