Hi all, I'm very new here. I just learned about BPD and there are few times I've felt more seen in my life. I relate to all of the symptoms, some more strongly than others. I wondered whether folks often find themselves growing close to people who are struggling, and really enjoying that experience.

I recently met someone as a part of a covid pod who lived in my neighborhood and she and I bonded over having a tough and lonely winter. It was really nice! We spent time together, did wintery stuff together. There were even some romantic feelings there, even though I was (and currently am) seeing someone else (not exclusively at the time, just dates). 

We had a really great time, but nothing ever came of the romantic tension between us. Recently she started to dating a guy and she's been a lot happier, and it's been hitting me really hard. I've been in the middle of an episode caused by a few other things, and I just wish she was still having a rough time so she would need me, or want me, or I would be the only person she could turn to. Which is, of course, a very unhealthy impulse. But it's a pattern in my life. I pretend to be happy for friends when they're doing well, but I secretly hope they are doing poorly all the time because I want them to be in the same boat as me. I want to feel that trauma bond, and I want to be needed.  My crushing fear of abandonment is clearly at the center of this.

Does anyone else feel that way? I hate it about myself and since finding this sub a couple days ago I've been looking seriously into DBT therapy to figure some of this out.