I’m not very good at showing emotions, or even really knowing what it is I’m feeling, but today was my penultimate therapy session and I know I was doing bad.

I think I split on my therapist a hundred times - which is unusual for me, as I don’t tend to split on people that I’m not in a relationship with - and I’ve tried to keep her at an emotional distance so the ending didn’t hurt as bad. 

However, I guess under the surface I had formed a deep attachment to her and our sessions and it overwhelmed me completely today. 

I don’t think I’m ready to process today’s session yet, but I can talk about afterwards. I had ended up sprinting out of the room as soon as she started talking about hoping to see me next week and me being able to see this through to the end. (I had expressed that I’d rather not have a last session at all, to save myself from the turmoil of a complete severance - at least this way I can end it on my own terms).

I’d lunged into the nearest restroom to have a panic attack, and then managed to make my way to my car, hoping to be calm enough to drive home, when a guy knocked on my window and asked for a jumpstart. 

Instantly I felt the killswitch. Every single thought and emotion swirling chaotically in my head was just gone. It wasn’t even sweet relief, it was just gone. I’d shut down that sector of my head entirely. I gave the guy a jump and have been steadfastly ignoring my mind’s attempts to think about the session, and it’s imminent ending, since. 

Should I turn it back on? I’m so scared that I won’t be able to cope. I’ve been living in a fog of dissociation up until today, completely separate from myself in fear that I will plummet into unsalvageable chaos. What if, by allowing myself to feel, I can’t keep myself safe anymore? 