I didn’t have a rough childhood nor a good one. I was diagnosed with chronic depression at the age of 8, I’m 25 now. Ive attempted suicide twice, but since found a reason to keep going. Growing up i was neglected by my mom (divorced). I mean she loved me sorta but never was there for me in the slightest. I lashed out and started getting in trouble. Like real world in and out of juvie trouble. One point my entire family to my face told me to kms. Yet I’m here because the only one that ever stuck by my side was my dog (dead now). Ive somehow tricked myself into believing if i stay alive id see him one more time. Is that normal? Sad? Dunno its how i wake up in the morning. My family is “Proud” of me now since I conned my way into the military. Although nothing has changed. Im still half way down the block looking into my family’s life. Always been like that. Sad since my father knows more than me. They always considered him a sperm donor. Wild how a sperm donor knows more about the family than me, their son/brother. Example a year after my sister got engaged i found out thru snapchat, three months after my other sister got married i learned from my father. These are pretty big things to know about your siblings yet they just keep “forgetting” to let me know. Well family life is out the way, yet its not done there. Not bragging but I’m a decent looking guy, told I’m funny, can hold conversations and genuinely interested in a lot with a future. Well cant seem to keep someone in my life. Weather its friends or gfs. Friends is whatever but gfs kinda hurt. Seems like after a couple months they all just don’t wanna be with me anymore, cheat or did it as a joke. Kinda sucks. Well I’m pretty much done, I thought if I became successful and focused on what “makes me happy” I would be. Turns out it just doesn’t end, kinda like tinnitus. You can forget about it but its always there, I’m still fantasizing about suicide to fall asleep. I know thats not normal but its all planned out. No letter, no clues, just drive to the mountains hike for a couple miles, climb tree intricately tie rope so it doesn’t break the limbs. Tie noose, put it slightly to the left of my neck, double check i have more than 15ft of slack and roughly 25ft of drop (so it rips my head off) bound my hands and feet to puzzle whoever finds me and jump. Just like that, leave this place given them (my family) what they gave me… nothing. Well its just a fantasy, never gunna happen cos’ I’m still caught in a cocktail dream that i’ll meet my buddy again. Just wanted this off my chest, oh if you made it this far therapy doesn’t work. Just find something or someone to keep you moving.