From a young age (8-9) i have been made to go to therapy, psychiatric appointments, counselling, etc. to help with my "mood swings". It didn't help and by the time i became 15, it was arguably getting worse, i would start yelling at the psychiatrist, ignore them, i would get extremely irritable with the questions they asked repetitively, i had sworn to myself that i didnt need therapy and what not and that i can do it myself. i am now 20 and ive been officially diagnosed with BPD, after things had gotten worse and more self-unmanageable. I refuse to go on medication because of many bad experiences with them and the fact of not wanting to relapse with self-harm. I know i need help, i know it will help to understand more, but i cant seem to get my head around it and find enough strength (or money) to go. 

TL:DR; I have bad experiences with therapy and what-not and i refuse to take medication and goto/make appointments for myself, idk what to do to help me, help myself. I need some tactics...