I used to be addicted to the feeling of numbness I’d feel after a devaluing/derealisation period and would seek to date people I felt could fuel my abandonment issues just so I could put myself back into the emotionless state once they inevitably “abandoned”. (I.e. once I’d convinced myself they were bad and left them)

I haven’t dated on a deep level for ages so I’ve kind of been stuck in this state for a few years unless drunk/taking drugs which would trigger an emotional reaction from me, like crying and causing problems for no reason. 

I almost came out of the state at the start of this week, (see my earlier dating post if you’re nosey) but because I could feel myself developing the feelings, I stopped talking to the guy. 

As a side note, I’m pretty sure I scared the guy by saying “you’ve stolen some of my power” after we had sex... he laughed but I wasn’t joking. I honestly feel like when I fuck someone they do it to take some of my energy. I use energy transmutation and celibacy to control my symptoms so that explains how I view it better.

I know the numb can be painful for a lot of borderlines but I much prefer it to how powerless I feel when idealising someone. 

I just don’t want to give a human that power over me again, I love how free it feels to not fixate and obsess. I cut people off when I feel it starting, does anyone date more than one person at once or is that not possible for us? I’ve never tried but I’m thinking it’s the only way to prevent an obsession with just one person...

I’m a loyal person when I date so I don’t know if I could manage to have more than one significant other especially if they were not seeing anyone else but I’m starting to think it’s the only way for me to not drive myself and the other person mad. Like, save them the emotional trauma by being a sneaky cheater, it would be the lesser of two evils surely?