*I tell my family I don't care for thrill rides or suspenseful movies, I get those thrills for free just by breathing.* 

I (32F) was diagnosed earlier this year with BP1. I am currently unmedicated and not in therapy due to no medical insurance. I am considering getting reevaluated, sometimes I am torn between wondering if I am just ADHD with anxiety and depression. My diagnosis came from my manic episode in my early and mid 20s. It manifests in hyper sexuality and anger, but for the most part manageable as I believe I have only been floating between hypomania and depression, if my diagnosis is accurate. 

This ongoing cycle is exhausting. I am very self aware and have been mentally tracking my highs and lows that fluctuates every 2-4 weeks. Sometimes I feel like I am not in the pilot seat and I am forced to watch myself and all my hard work fall apart. I would get really motivated, stay on my fitness schedule, and be ambitious, sometimes I even convince myself that I'm cured, because I feel really good and healthy. Then my body starts breaking down, I start feeling drained, and day by day I start putting things off, I'll try to force myself to just do a little, but soon that day comes that I just don't get out of bed. I am overwhelmed with disappointment and shame of who I used to be, and I will start binge eating and showers grow days apart. I can't take my dog for her walks or manage the household chores and meals. Then, I get frustrated and the only way I can overcome my sadness is with anger and I take it out on anyone that stands in my way of achieving "normalcy". Where I was once indecisive and submissive, I am now very demanding, barking orders with a short fuse. I am so sick of this cycle, I want to get medicated with an anti-depressant, because I don't have time to waste and all my progress goes out the window. Sometimes I wish I had access to street prescriptions, but also thankful that I don't. 

This time I have been triggered with my job hunt. I have accepted a job offer, a field I am well familiar with and enjoy (too much if i'm not careful, which aligns with my hesitation), plus good pay, but with the expense of less family time, which is a huge part of how I stay out of trouble. However, there was a second job in a new field, but equipped with the skills to be successful at. I was waiting to hear back from this job. It would have built my resume and given me the perfect schedule, but with less pay than the first job. After careful consideration and talking it out with my husband, we decided that the first job would be best for us right now and I withdrew my application from the second job. My heart is crushed, because though I am not career driven, I took my name out of the running before I had the chance to know if they would have accepted me. I feel like I am meant to do more and be more and maybe thats my inflated ego talking with grandiose ideas. My husband reminds me that this isn't a forever job and I can be actively doing what I need to get the ideal job for my life. This is true, but I can't help thinking that maybe this is all I can do and expecting and wanting more is only an illusion created by my sick brain of never feeling content and drive to "shake things up", another reason to add to the list of "Why I don't Trust Myself". In addition, I am in a new state feeling isolated and alone as my family has started their new life here and things just keep falling through for me.

Thank you for reading. Feel free to share any thoughts, feedback, etc.