Long time lurker here, but today has been a bad day. 

A few years ago I had my first anxiety/panic/whatever-it-is attack when I was preparing for a meeting regarding a project that caused me a LOT of stress.

It starts with a flicker of a thought/memory, but it isn't enough for me to really identify. Nothing notable, but it quickly becomes an itch that I need to scratch. So I start to try to identify it and my mind starts throwing thought/memories at me.  Then, right before I feel almost physically ill, I'll reach the original thought/memory, and then the horrible feelings subside.  It's almost like trying to remember a moment of a dream I had, but not a recent one. 

I'm about to leave a job that is only 4 months old for another one.  The one I'm leaving just isn't a good fit. I grabbed it because back in May 2020 I was laid off and I needed an income as my severance was running a bit low.

I'm certain my anxiety is directly tied to my professional life.  I'm kind of successful - well into 6 figures, somewhat known in my industry - but I have NEVER felt like I belong. I didn't choose the industry I am in, I decided if wanted to buy certain things, that I had to start making "smart" decisions and not just do what I wanted. So it's not like a huge "calling". 

Usually I take a nap midday. About 20 minutes of resting. But today I had two attacks while resting. It NEVER happens when I'm resting. And just now I was trying to get some items done for the new job, and had another attack. 

I'm not really looking for anything, but I had to get this out.