The last time I heard from my FP was the beginning of 2019. We had a very toxic up and down relationship, we were both pieces of shit sometimes. I pushed him too far and he left for good. I lost it, I blew up his phone, screamed, cried, hurt myself in protest, checked his location every 5 minutes, did all the things that I now know only made it worse. I had never felt pain like that before. I couldn’t eat or sleep for days. I wanted to die.

I miss him so much. I feel like everything has been grey since he left. I haven’t had a single day that I have felt true joy. I’ve had some days that are decent, some even good. But nothing like before, nothing like when he was still in my life. Most of the time I still idolize him, I feel like my life would be perfect if he came back. But sometimes I hate him, I hope he is miserable, I hope he is alone and has no one, I hope he regrets everything. 

I’m so fucking exhausted. I still measure everything in my life back to the day he left. I still think of him every time I experience anything, and imagine what it would be like if he was still a part of it. I still think about him every single day, no matter how far I try to distance myself. I did everything, blocked number, blocked social media, different state, zero contact. It never ends. I am so fucking tired.