Bit of a random post guys.. I don't know when you all realised something was wrong with your mental health? My self realization was when I joined the military at age 19, 2 weeks into basic training I was hit with intense anxiety and convinced myself I needed to leave ASAP. Was ringing my mum crying asking how I can get out, contemplating injuring myself to get out, I was literally thinking how I could chop off my trigger finger or burn myself with the iron. Crazy right?

Week 3, a particular incident occured where I lost my damn locker keys, the sergeant is counting down to fall in outside and I just explode with panic. What do I do? I grab a broom stick handle, run to the bathroom and bash my leg repeatedly on the bone to try and break it so I can just escape and get medically withdrawn or something. Fortunately I didn't break it, just bruised it up to hell and got sent to the med centre. Somehow I was mostly fine and actually continued with the training until week 4 when I could voluntarily leave. 

That's when it sank in.. fuck I have some issues. Funny enough I actually rejoined the following year and successfully completed training and had a 4 year military career. I think the difference was I kept those explosions at bay because I was aware of it creeping in, it didn't get to that point again.

But I'm just sat here now 12 years on thinking, reflecting.. that shit was really messed up and I never spoke to anybody about it, I've never really fully thought about it. I've never had a repeat episode of that magnitude, but I am still burdened with anxiety (and now depression) that I've never been able to shake. 

Do you guys think therapy might be justified? I can't help but think there's something in my head running the show that talking about might help.. talking about me trying to bash my leg in with a broomstick