When I'm normal, I want my mental health ro be better. I make plans, I look up mindfulness techniques, CBT, mediation, etc.

When I'm down, all of that goes out the window. I can read a thousand words of support or tips to stop spiraling, but I can't take them seriously. I feel like I don't deserve to get better. When I'm down the spiral, my friends comments are lies, and those motivation tips are for other, normal people. I almost feel more at home when I'm suffering.

When I do something well, I never celebrate it.

When I do something wrong, I remember all the times I've failed, and I have trouble finding any examples of areas where I didn't fuck up.

It's not long before it feels like most friends merely tolerate me for some reason. I feel like I have absolutely no respect. And how can I, I don't even respect myself. The problem with reading about loving and forgiving yourself because I can't 100%, truly, convince myself I deserve it. I can't actually believe it.

And then of course the suicidal thoughts. They're not exactly overt, but always there like a background. Always reminding me that there's a way to end it. It never goes past that but in particularly bad times, it does get intense. Worst part is, I had a friend who did that and it was awful. I was mad at them even. So much suffering for everyone left behind. But when I'm feeling it, I understand them.

I don't even know what I want from this post. I just need to scream into the void. I'm too embarrassed to reach out to friends because I'm ashamed of still feeling this way. I've felt this way for over 20 years. I made an account just to scream this into the void of reddit.

I'll be ok tomorrow. But, I know this will happen again, over and over. I'm just tired. I just can't have this go on for the rest of my life. If I'm 80 and still feeling like this, I just... I can't.

This was pretty long, thanks for reading it. If you feel the same, reach out. Fucked up part is, I'm better at helping others than ever helping myself.