I probably fucked up everything that potentially could have happened with the cutest guy ever in my life because I was pushing him away most of the time (or doing stuff like no sorry I can't hang out with you or any of my friends, then go home and spend hours crying alone because I need to feel crap). He was always nice (he managed, unknowingly to get me out of dissociating countless times btw) and still we talked so much and all but it stopped at that, but it's not unusual that for me everyone is a stranger.

Now we spend even less time together and there are other people around all the time, sometimes we will just exchange 10 words in a week mostly hi and bye and I can't stop but feel like he has started ignoring me (i.e. not giving me much attention, not the kind of pretend I am air altough it feels similar). I can't figure out how to change any of this, like how to meet him more often, it is just circumstance and every attempt to change anything is futile.

I feel so pathetic about this but it really makes me not want to live any further when I think about all this. (In some ways I hope he doesn't like me the way I do like him, because otherwise he would be hurting too because I am so stupid. And yet I feel that if not him I don't want anyone in my life.)