So yeah, I've had a pretty shitty time in my sex life. I've had some normal sexual relationships but some have completely screwed up my worldview on sex in general

My whole life I have felt my only worth is to provide sex to men and have done for partners and male "friends" genuinely believing I owed them sex because they were "kind enough" to be my friend 

I've slept with maybe 20 men and I can maybe count on one hand times I've had sex and felt good about it afterwards. 

For a long time I felt like I wasn't being myself during the act, like another part of me took over. 

I'd engage in degrading, painful acts which deep down I knew I hated but I did it anyway cus it was what I thought was expected me

See I'm special? I'll do all the degrading and gross stuff your girlfriend won't do 

It'd feel weird when they called me my name, I don't remember the last time I was called beautiful or sexy or complimented during the act...its always how "tight" I am and how good I am at oral

Sometimes I'm brought back into the moment and I'm freaking out. I try everything to hide it and sometimes I haven't been able to...I feel so humiliated 

None of this really clicked until a guy I was going to sleep with stopped me and said "you don't really want this, do you?" 

I was confused as hell like "what am I doing wrong?" Was I not being eager enough?

Then I realised....I really didn't want it 

I really didn't want sex...

I don't want degrading and humiliating sex where I go home and cry after.

I realised I want to make love, told how pretty I am, them calling me by my name or pet name, just to be held 

I also want to be in the experience. I'd devolve into this person that wants to be treated like shit and I've had men really surprised by how different I am in the bedroom vs me irl....cus it's not me

I've had so much sex before but I'm terrified of the next time it happens...what if I panic? What if sex with the real me is boring? What if they resent me because I did kinky things in the past but won't do it with them? 

I just want to be normal and loved normally 

I just want sex to feel loving and sweet...yeah

I found out i disassociate during sex pretty much constantly to cope. 

I feel so gross