I tend to ask my boyfriend (my fp) to see me days in advance. I can’t bare feeling abandoned so I need to make sure I see him at least 2-3 times a week to feel validated in the connection. 

But I am starting to feel like it’s a one way thing and that 90% of the time I’m the one initiating the plans and if I didn’t I feel like we would barely see eachother. 

I like making plans in advance to see each other  rather than being spontaneous. We’ve spoken about this and I know we are different but it’s really bothering me. I struggle to function properly if I don’t have plans to work my day around. I feel paralysed and can’t do anything like chores if I don’t know my social/work plans. (I have ADHD too makes sense lol) 

The last few days I was trying an experiment and not asking to see him even though I’ve kept today free, expecting him to ask to see me. And he didn’t ask to see me and  I know he’s free today so now I’m splitting. 

I know I’m playing games a bit but I feel like I had to do that to know in myself if he really wanted me and clearly he doesn’t. 

Once a week is not enough time with my partner and I know he would be content with that (he’s very independent). 

I don’t want to make other plans with my friends to fill in the time because I want to keep it open that we will see each other but I feel like a lil bitch and I’m fucking sick of it and I feel like dumping him now. 

Im honestly over it how independent I can be when I am single and as soon as I’m in a relationship my BPD gets triggered so hard and I split so much and I just hate being alone so much i need his attention or I feel so unworthy and that the connection is fizzling even though it’s not, I want to die. 

Sorry for the manic post I’m struggling to express myself and I am sick of coming across so clingy I just want out