I’m 17F, for some context: I got anorexia when I was 10-12, and started self harming and feeling depressed around 14 or 15 after a while I started having vivid and constant suicidal thoughts that have gone now (mostly), but I still feel shit. I spent months mostly in bed from November to February which has gotten a bit better after I started taking vitamin d (I’m deficient) but I still don’t feel right and I’m unsure if that can completely cause the way I’ve been feeling for years. 

I’m very anxious and convinced that deep down no one really likes me. I think this being anxious is made worse by the fact I’m insecure and worried about being a lesbian (I could rant about it but I’ll spare u the details lol), and plus my friends get annoyed at me each time we go out because I always drink too much and ruin it but I feel like that’s the only time I don’t have to think about whatever it is I’m always thinking about that makes me feel this way, but I feel like it makes them hate me and it confirms my fears.

Even though things are better for me than they used to be, like I’ve accepted I’m not going to kill myself unless my life further down the line goes majorly wrong, I feel like life isn’t exciting anymore.

 I used to go through brief patches of being able to appreciate it like the little things in daily life and not getting pissed with my friends, but I don’t feel that anymore and all I feel instead is this constant anxiety that I can’t appreciate it and that at any moment anything could be taken away, my life or someone else’s. I guess I’m terrified of loosing something I haven’t experienced yet. But if this is true I don’t know why I feel so self destructive, with the urges to hurt myself (even tho I haven’t in a while it’s worse now) or to be reckless each time I go out.

  No one believes there’s anything wrong with me other than some friends who have mentioned it before, but maybe that’s because I can never really talk about it.

I move out later this year and don’t know how I’m going to cope with myself, in all honesty. I struggle to get out of bed and get anywhere without being forced by my mum, and I don’t trust myself to look after myself if I feel shitty mentally.