I'm just tired. I've been on medication for about twenty years. Lately I've been on Pregabalin and even recently I posted something about how accepting your anxiety is the way to conquer it. 

I have accepted it. I still feel anxiety building up when I talk to people. When I don't get enough food and feel weak. When I don't get enough sleep. When conditions are just a little less than ideal. 

It's always there. I try not to anticipate but the pre anxiety cues start coming out of nowhere. And I'm just fucking tired. Yesterday I was fine with a large gathering and suddenly everything got like surreal. Like I didn't know where I was and I felt weak. I quickly ran to the toilet and I hid there. This was the first time in a long while something like that hit me. It COULD have been physical cause I didn't eat all day but it initiated an anxiety response. 

I don't know why I'm posting this. I'm just tired. This whole pandemic has gotten me worn out. And I guess. I never really accepted my anxiety. I'm just living with it, and it's like the shadow in the corner of my eye. And sometimes I ask myself how the fuck this happened to me in the first place. 

Sorry for the rant and vulgarities. Maybe I just needed to shout things out. None of my friends know I suffer from anxiety.