I don't even know where to start, I don't even know why I decided to post here, I'm not expecting any help I just need to vent I guess.

So uh, I'm an 18 year old guy that lives in Florida, a really expensive city to live, I was born here and I've never really moved outside of this county, don't know how I would do that either.

Growing up, I had a happy life, even though my oldest brother was abusive, even though my mother was severely addicted to narcotics, even though I had no father, and my other brother is the closest I've had to one.  I still was happy somehow, my grandma and that good brother are probably the only reasons why.  I only really played games and watched TV, never spent any time outside, never had many friends, in fact I can count every friends I have had, easily.  Before kindergarten, I had two friends.  My next friend I made in third grade, and it was at the end of that year that my grandmother died.

That's when my mental state slowly started to degrade.

A lot of things happened after that, but next thing I knew, my family was broken into pieces, 4th grade I was moving constantly within my county, then for two months I lived in Ohio, then came back.  Then I was in 5th grade, and that's when depression started to fuck my life.

I started getting really depressed, I started noticing every little thing that's wrong with the world, my childhood innocence started falling apart more and more, and that happens to everyone but with how sheltered and gullible I was it hit me really hard.

I started to have suicidal thoughts at that point, never acted on it, but the thoughts were there.

By the end of 5th grade, I had a couple friends, first ones since 3rd, but by middle school, 6th grade, none of them wanted anything to do with me, they all started to become pretty questionable people and we drifted apart.

So back at square one now.

I kept becoming friends with people who were not good people, I started getting bullied, became friends with a few other random bullies, met people who slept around and did drugs, I never really became close enough to any bad people to fall into it myself, never did drugs or anything, but I started acting the same way they acted.  By 8th grade, to try and fit in, I became a really shitty person, at home with my drugged up mother I was still a goody goody, but at school I was a massive dick in every way possible.

Halfway through 8th grade, my mother stopped me from jumping out a several story high window.  I hated the way I was living, I hated the people I knew, I hated school, I hated the way my own personality had turned out, and I didn't know how to rewind, I couldn't become the person I should've turned into, I couldn't go back to who I once was, I had identity crises constantly, that's a lot on a 13 year old with depression.

I was in a hospital for a while, they didn't really help, they didn't really help me try to get rid of my depression, they just taught me to shut up and deal with it because that's life.

School ended a little bit after I got back, there were only a couple months left, in 9th grade, nothing really changed, still depressed, still going between a bunch of friends none of which I know very well and all of which are questionable people, just trying to not feel lonely and out of place.

But a bit of the way through the year, I found two stable groups of friends, one of those groups ended up being great, we all slowly grew and matured together, and I'm still friends with them today.

The other one though, I was only with them because I was head over heels for one of them, a girl in my same year, but I was still trying to fix my terrible personality, and they were all actually ok people (on the surface,) so eventually, they got irritated with me, and when they found out I was in love with one of them, they all slowly started bullying me more and more until I almost killed myself again.  I stopped talking to all of them after that.  To this day I think they still think I was the one in the wrong by trying to be their friend.  That hurt me, so bad, to this day I still have very complicated feelings towards several of them, and I feel pure dread whenever I see the girl I used to care about.

After that situation though, the good friend group helped me through it, and slowly, over the course of the next two years, things got actually pretty good.  I started improving my personality.  I started improving my self esteem, actually became a bit of a narcissist and then I had to even that out a bit lol.  Things slowly started getting better, I eventually got a shitty job at a grocery store for minimum wage, and I fucking loved it, I've always been in poverty so having my own money was just, ridiculous at the time.

Then covid happened.

My job got a lot harder after that, at some point, I started being really depressed again, then in July of 2020 I quit that job and almost offed myself.  Again.  I graduated, still felt depressed.  I got another job, still depressed.  Moved away from my shitty mom and moved in with my loving brother, my job is really easy, making several dollars over minimum wage, thousands of dollars in the bank, I'm still in fucking agony.  My life is easier than it's ever been, I should be happier than it's ever been, I was happy again a few years ago, why am I sad?

Nothing feels worth it anymore.

There's nothing I care about.

I have no motivation.

And that's about it.

I'm a very privileged young healthy white man living in a first world country and I'm considering suicide every single day and attempted it a fourth time two weeks ago, I don't struggle with anything other than my own fucking mind and I'm still miserable.  I don't know what to do.  There's nothing I want to do.  I don't feel like there's anything I can do.  The only reason I'm alive is the guilt of leaving my loved ones behind, and I'm even starting to grow numb to that, I'm starting to not even care about the only people I love, I don't enjoy anything anymore.  I'll probably die soon.