I am heart broken. It feels like I’m dying and my insides are tearing apart. I feel nauseas and light headed. I’ve had a bad mental health week and I don’t know how I made out alive. I genuinely thought it’d be the end of me. All of my symptoms are getting worse. But i feel the need to vent about one issue in this post.

I will give you context. I’ve known her for a year. We volunteer every week and we are extremely close. We text everyday. She’s the most perfect person I’ve ever seen. She’s a heroine, a hard working one and the prettiest. She has a charming and charismatic personality. I fell in love with her two months ago. It was all platonic love before that. She always complements me, she’s one of the few people that do. She complements my looks, smile, and voice. I thought she wanted to be more than friends. I got her a valuable present (not in terms of cost) on her birthday and we grew closer ever since. I expressed my feelings to her after a night out with our entire group. She said she needed to know me better before she commits to a relationship. I thought that meant we still had a chance together. She’s all I could ever think of. She started online classes on top of her job and we kind of spoke less because of it, she was busy but goddamn does it hurt. I noticed that we no longer go out on solo trips, I thought she no longer trusts me. Her response to that is she never trusts anyone enough. I shouldn’t take that personally but it shattered my heart. Sometimes she’s harsh and brutally honest when I vent to her, telling her how miserable I feel. I never brought up my heartbreak to her because I know it would ruin our friendship, we are still besties. I vent to her about other problems, I expressed my fear of abandonment from everyone. I don’t think i’ll ever recover from that, I feel like nobody will ever fall in love with me. She says that nobody is responsible for my happiness except for me, and that nobody cares about me except for me. She says people are temporary, don’t expect people to be in your life forever. Although she’s saying the truth, it hurts so bad, it’s agonizing. We were ranting to each other about many stuff and it eventually led to her ranting about men. She was saying that men always get the wrong message. I asked her if I got the wrong message and she said yes. That was last month. I think about her everyday and as creepy ad it sounds, I look at pictures of her everyday. She is perfect. My life is crumbling. I never experienced a heartbreak before. It’s the first time I fall in love. I am not built for this, its gonna break me apart every time. I am suffering. We still talk on a daily basis. She doesn’t know about those feeling that I’m going through because of the rejection. We share a lot in common. Ive noticed that she started roasting me in group chats playfully. I thought it was an attempt to distance herself from me. I was wrong. She’s a very caring person and supports me all the way. But she admitted that she roasts all men because she’s tired of men hitting on her. It hurts, but I don’t want to tell her what to do. I have other female friends and they make it clear that they’re not interested in a relationship. Ways that don’t hurt. It’s not a good look for me and tell her how she should behave. That’s just messed up. Two months have passed and Im not over her. I never told her how much I’m hurting because of it. I don’t want our precious friendship to end. I just don’t know what to do. I know there are certain things that I can’t control. Getting people to fall in love is one of them. My emotions are so intense, they're consuming me alive. I can't bear it.

This is one of many problems I’m going through. I can’t take my mind off suicide. Last week I was so ready to kill myself. I had prepared my set up and I was half a step away from killing myself. I don’t think you guys would appreciate the details of my method. 

She is perfect.