It is my fault and it isn't my fault because horrible shit happened to me and no one around me cared or tried to help and it just built to the point that I was raging at everyone around me out of pure frustration. I can still be nice and fine with new people I meet and I don't have this rage when I'm not in this environment. I don't want to live with anyone or be around anyone too much or ever try to talk about my shit again (I get frustrated that no one understands or offers real advice or they say some aphorism and I eventually start raging (or sometimes crying but I think I've done enough of that) when I can't get the relief I'm seeking). 

It's pointless to talk about because who the fuck is ever going to understand other than other people who've been through psychosis, or bizarrely confusing abuse and trauma). Things have gone too far with everyone around me and I've become abusive and it's horrible because I was so fucking cool and nice, I just had no self-esteem and couldn't realize what some of the people around me were doing to me. It's endlessly frustrating that I'm the only one that admits to it though and that my family, whom started fuckinf with me the second I got back (my father mostly), are going to go blameless in this situation. It might be the biggest source of my rage and it's not just them, but a few other people who did really fucked up things to me too, but my parents are the ones who actually ruined my life. 


This is another reason I can't talk about it, because everyone wants to black and white things and I can't own up to my abuse without constantly trying to explain what brought it out of me. And because a lot of the abuse I was subjected to was so confusing that I couldn't even tell it was abuse for a long time. Basically I get infuriated if I feel like the other person doesn't understand covert abuse (or can comprehend the bizarre behavior my mother subjected me to) and I lose it if they try to blame me. I'm a fucking asshole, but once I get out of here I can go back to being fun to be around and not ever talk about my shit and live alone so I never end up in an environment where I'm getting scapegoated again. 

I can also stop constantly sharing my theories, calling people out on behavior and trying to be badass instead of just being myself (I'm more badass when I'm being myself) People liked me a lot more that way, and I've never gotten laid acting like an asshole honestly, which is a big reason I started acting like an asshole. Because two girls destroyed my masculinity by sleeping with assholes and not me, even though one of them got absurdly wet when I touched her (had to come up with my own theories because this behavior was so mind-numbingly confusing and I couldn't find answers from the available data on cluster b girls) But honestly I think there might be a lot more to the story than I'll ever understand too.

People used to love me because I made them feel comfortable and I miss that a lot. I don't want to continue going down this road but the people around me will never forgive me for shit I said (they owe me a lot of fucking apologies too honestly) and my only other option is to completely start over and to try to put my past behind me. I finally made sense of the behavior of the two girls that ruined me so I can put that to rest and I know that I won't fall for it again because I met another NPD girl and we actually had a weird friendship and she weirdly did not demonize me for calling her out on her behavior because I would still treat her like a human no matter how she acted. We're still friends.