On mobile so sorry for any weird formatting. Also this is a teensy bit long but it’s worth it. As a brief introduction to who I am, I (18F) have struggled with overthinking and anxiety disorder for a couple years. The pandemic has really exacerbated my intrusive and “what if x happened” type thoughts, and I’ve got quite a bit of familial trauma going on lol. I do a lot of yoga, meditation, mindfulness, planning and routine-making so I’ve been in a pretty good place mentally for these past couple weeks. I’m pretty good right now (hopefully, so are you). 

Upon reflecting on how my anxiety manifests itself in the past and present, I’ve come to realize I have NO problem interacting with strangers. I’m comfortable going up to someone I find interesting, for example, and talking to them. Or asking someone attractive for their information. My point is, I’m pretty good at small talk (I think I’ve read every article there is on how to make better small talk lol). My problem lies with family members and not-so-close-friends-that-don’t-really-qualify-as-strangers. This has gotten to the point where I avoid family dinners, plans with my cousins (whom I used to best friends with!), conversations, or interactions in general with family members, pretty much excluding my immediate family (people I live with and have to do w the trauma I mentioned before). 

The not-so-close-friends thing refers specifically to old friends I don’t talk to anymore aside from the occasional “looks great!” on an instagram post. I get paralyzing anxiety when someone I sat next to in 11th grade physics asks me to hang out. My immediate thoughts are “well, what the h are we going to talk about?” and assuming I’m going to have to carry the conversation (which I’ve gotten considerably good at, albeit it draining my social battery completely!!). 

Do any of these specific things happen to anyone else? Family members, distant friends, classmates, the like bring you AWFUL anxiety? 

I’m guessing it has to do with the idea that these groups of people have, in my mind, expectations of me that I have to withhold (or else my brain says it’s the end of the world). This is obviously problematic for various reasons, the main one being me having to conform to imaginary expectations I’ve created, all based on what I ASSUME the other person expects of me. You see how this is confusing and ironic at the same time? Any-who this was a loong one and thanks for reading. Any tips/commentary are appreciated.