Long long story... First things first I'm not sure if I really want some help, I just want to talk about my whole life anonymous on the internet. This will take a while and there are some TRIGGERS: &gt;!rape and suicide!&lt;. 

I'm 26M and I was raped since I was 4, yeah, I said since because It took 10 years for them to stop using me as a sexual tool. I mean I just realized that I was raped by them when I was 19 or so. They always said to me that I wanted it, and I believed. I mean, not when I was 4, but when I was 12 why didn't I do anything? Why didn't I tell anyone? That will never go away from my mind. I mean, I know why I didn't tell my family about this because they are just a bunch religious people and I never trusted them enough to tell my problems. Mom is mental ill and dad is alcoholic man. But things start to get worse and worse in my life. My neighborhood knew it, but she hated my dad (good reasons to) and so she just pretended nothing was going on. 

I was a social butterfly at school, but I never really had any friends. I never trusted anyone. I don't even trust myself. I cursed myself for being gay. I hated it, so much. So so so so so much. I took me so many years to deal with my internal homophobia. Tbh I never really dealt with it, I'm not able to dissociate being raped when I was 4 with being gay now days (sorry for saying this, I'm being honest with you guys about what I feel and I am AWARE that those things are NOT related...).

The first time I've had sex with another men (consensual) I felt dirty, and guilt and I hated It. I do watch porn and I like it, but in the real life I hate having sex with another men. 

When I was 18 I could have changed everything but then I messed up, not once, not twice but for the fourth time. I abandoned my job, a very good job to be honest, and that was my first chance to live by myself. What I did next? Dropped college. My family didn't even try to understand, they just said I was a lost cause and need Jesus in my life. I used to be a religious guy when I was a kid, I must say that was my safe place, I cry when I remember all the good moments I spent there vs the bad one spent home. Now days I considered myself atheist.

What I did next? Entered college again when I was 22 and guess what? I dropped It. I also quited my new job, not as good as the first one, but was something to consider.

When I was 23 I tried college once more now as engineer in a public university, but things started to get complicated because the lack of money. I mean, bus tickets, food at university costs me the money I don't have. 

And here I am at 26, no job, not graduated yet, living with my fucked up parents and thinking of dropping college once again, because I don't have the courage to keep going with this bullshit. I don't know how to be honest with people, don't know how to tell them how I really feel. I dont how to be honest with myself.

It's been a year that I spend in my room, literally. I live everyday cursing myself for everything, I could have done something before it was too late, I'm almost 30 mind fucked up and useless. I tried to starve to death but ended up giving up on the fourth day (I was too hungry). Also I don't care anymore about anything, I am in state of passive suicide (if that thing exists). 

Every night I experience anxiety attacks, sound hallucinations, part of It because I'm afraid of the dark (yes, I'm 26 and afraid of the dark). What kept me alive till today was playing some videogames and reading mangas (I'm being honest, you can moral judge me on that). But for now, none of that things excites me anymore. I wake up everyday, and do literaly nothing useful hoping I colapse on the ground and die. I go to sleep everyday and wish I don't wake up the next day. Since 2020, I have flashbacks of what happened to me when I was a kid and I try to think of good memories I had in the past to prevent me from crying. I'm not relating everything with being raped when I was a kid... I just want to truly forget It.

Sometimes, the only thing I think about is &gt;!smashing my head against the wall till I bleed to death!&lt; and sometimes I want to keep going with the living thing, but then what? I mean, I'm looking for a job but what would I do next? I'll repeat the cycle. I think people around me deserved better, my parents they fucked up a lot, I mean, a lot but they deserve a better son. I'm an unstable coward and at the point of no return...