
Long rant I just need to breathe

I’ve been depressed for as long as I can remember. Being a kid, it was hard to find a purpose. It was hard to find my place in the world, to fit in. I felt alone. All the time. Loneliness turned to low self esteem, turning to self hate, leading to anxiety about existing. I wanted to die, all the time. My parents were great in providing for me, but they didn’t know how to deal with any emotion or mental issues. I was told to stop crying, told I was complaining for nothing. I suffered in silence. My depression and anxiety turned to affect my social life. I had difficulty opening up to people, expressing myself without jumping to anger. Remaining calm. I damaged relationships, couldn’t really connect with anyone. All I ever felt was misunderstood. I eventually got in a romantic relationship. It lasted a while and had many up and downs. He was diagnosed with severe depression when we were dating. He was a self harmer. Sometimes he would get really angry and blame me for everything. I eventually began to think it was all my fault, and I began to suffer too. He didn’t really believe me when I said I was sad too. Things eventually got better, but the emotional turmoil never went away. He eventually breaks up with me, possibly because of our distance (now thirty mins away at college). We were together for almost three years. In college I made new friends, there’s this one guy I grew really close to. He then heads down the same path as my ex, and I again blame myself. I walk far away from campus and attempt to kill myself. I make the decision to come back, and a few friends come get me. One of them, one I thought I was particularly close to comes too. Let’s call her S. Syells at me when I meet her. S knew about my suicidal tendencies, and I didn’t expect that outcome. I get mad at her for a few days. The next day another friend gets upset with her for how she handled the situation, and I didn’t intervene. Finally I talk to S. But I’m still angry. I listen to her viewpoint, she’s lost a friend before. The entire thing was triggering. I tell her I wish she hadn’t gotten angry but I understood. I reach out to her a week later, wanting to apologize. No response. Few days later she unfollows me. Pretty sure she blocks my number. I write her a good luck letter at a time when I wanted to say good luck. She gets mad, pretty sure she didn’t read it. She moved on with her life, deleted me out of it like it was nothing. I get that it was for own benefit, but it still hurts like hell. I just want to tell her I’m sorry, and in that mindset of wanting to die I couldn’t control how I reacted to other people. I need help learning how to move on. The infp in me keeps imaging the last and scenarios in which we are just like old days. But what if this never happens? I got too emotional attached. Help