I just need to get this off my chest because this realisation smacks me in the face every so often and I just want to break down and cry and not exist anymore. :(

The first friend I made in primary school told me to go away when I tried to hang out. The second one told me she never liked me. Every boy I had an innocent crush on rejected me brutally. In the friend group I eventually made, I was the outlier, and most of them started ignoring me one by one and talking behind my back. 

I was part of two friend groups in high school and only a couple people in them were genuinely nice to me. Most of the others were sarcastic towards me and I was regularly met with dirty looks and eye rolls. It was pretty obvious I wasn't really wanted. 

That's not to mention the overwhelming majority in my grade who VERY clearly did not like me. My "best friend" never once stood up for me when guys were drooling over her and calling me an emo freak (though I was never emo???). Some of those guys said I was copying my friend, because... uh... we had a similar hairstyle, I suppose. This friend moved away and quickly stopped responding to my attempts to catch up. 

I've more or less maintained one of the friend groups I had in school, but I'm just kind of... in the background? It's incredibly apparent that most only want to see my boyfriend and couldn't be arsed about whether I am there or not. One of them said to my face that I am forgettable. Another called me a cow. I've seen some of their faces when I contributed to a conversation - pure discomfort and avoiding eye contact. The most recent friend I made ignores my messages. My unit at work always asks literally everyone, except me, if they want to get takeout. 

&amp;#x200B;

Yes, I ask how people are doing, and I genuinely want to know. I make conversation, and I make it about them. I never say anything bizarre or fucked up or irrelevant. I am usually thoughtful and quite perceptive. I do not nag or whine or insult or cruelly mock or bother or be inappropriate or anything. I have a sense of humour. I care. I show I care. But it really seems like I care much more about the people in my life than they care about me. 

&amp;#x200B;

You know how they say that "If every person you meet is an asshole towards you, then you're probably the asshole"? Yeah... if nearly everyone thinks I'm weird, I must be fucking weird. I must be a freak. I must make people uncomfortable. 

&amp;#x200B;

What exactly did I do to be left behind like this so consistently across my entire fucking life? It's no wonder that one of my greatest fears is not being understood. Because I feel so fucking alone when I am not understood, and that reminds me of how alone I have felt for so much of my life. 

&amp;#x200B;

All I can think about is that I just want to piss off, preferably to a mountain in Iceland, and fucking live there by myself in a little cottage with some cats and dogs. I don't care if I go crazy. I'll document my descent into madness. I'll document my transcendence and loneliness and contentment. I'll be in my own little world at last... God knows I never fit in anywhere else. 

&amp;#x200B;

:(