so this is like the third or fourth time this has happened. It always happens with my mom bc I’d never explode like this on anyone else since they could and def would leave me. i can recognize that this is abusive behavior and it’s awful bc i’m a victim of abuse and to think of myself in those terms fills me with so much self hatred and shame. 

what happened was that my mom and i were arguing (it’s just her and me at home, i don’t have any other fam or friends) over planning a trip. my entire life my mom has promised me things and then at the last minute changed her mind. it makes me feel so out of control and that is my biggest rage trigger ever since I was a child. i don’t leave my house ever and shes been talking about this trip for a year but now that it’s time to plan it shes coming up with all these excuses and we’re arguing back and forth. i’m screaming very loudly as she keeps saying things that make me more and more angry (she starts blaming me for things and gaslighting me).

finally something snaps and i just started screaming at the top of my lungs while punching the walls, hitting furniture,  ramming my head into different things, running all over the place, until my heart was going so fast that my body gave out and I fainted. I woke up on the floor crying as the feelings of shame and regret over what I just did washed over me, but then I was angry at my mom again because Instead of supporting me (all I ever want is her support and all she ever does is criticize) she started talking about how I was going to kill her, how she’s afraid of me, how I need to go to a mental hospital, how she can’t live with me anymore (even though the last time I exploded like this was over a year ago). so I started screaming at her about why she didn’t abort me when my father was extremely mentally ill, how she raised me with her own anger issues and would hit me, and breaking down about how Im never going to get out of this house (i’m 28 and haven’t left my house in years due to body dysmorphia/live w my mom still due to chronic illness). i was on the floor rocking back and forth repeating this stuff about how i’m trapped here and never going to get out. i was crying and laughing like a maniac at the same time. then i started panicking bc my body wouldn’t calm down (i also have panic disorder). i had xanax and eventuallypassed out but i’m exhausted and feel like a monster, which is great bc self hatred is exactly what i need more of, and when i tell my mom this she agrees i am a monster and tells me she’s afraid of me, which pisses me off bc no one wants to hear that and she has anger issues too and still hits me to this day (except now i can defend myself and she’ll play the victim when i do). 

the way the rage consumes me is insane, it’s like i’m possessed and there’s just so much i don’t even know where it comes from. it’s way stronger than me and i cant control it but it also feels sogood to give in and get it all out altho i feel so ashamed afterwards bc i don’t want to hurt or scare people (although again only my mom has seen this side of me bc otherwise i’m a ppl pleaser who doesn’t wanna push anyone away).

i don’t rly want advice bc i’ve read it all,but i would like some feedback or any comments from anyone who experiences anything similar or has before.