To start off, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder as well as Social Anxiety Disorder five years ago and I’m on lamictal and lamotrigine. That being said, I feel like my depression is well managed and my anxiety is much better than it was before but I still have panic attacks often despite this(the panic may have even gotten worse).  

These days I feel as though I’m not myself, I’m distant, constantly distracted/spacing out while rarely thinking about anything because my thoughts are so disorganized I can’t follow them. Yesterday I looked in the mirror and I looked like a horrid aged version of myself and I felt disgusted at what I saw. I’m extremely unmotivated, I WANT to go out and do things and be an active participant in my life but my body doesn’t even react when I think of it, or if I do react it usually comes in a panic attack in fear of going outside. I’ve been out of work and on disability for about three months now. When I’m in a situation such as work or school, I feel a crazy amount of uneasiness and tightness in my chest, I can barely breathe, and tears pour. I don’t know what triggers it, but just the thought of going to school or work freaks me out and makes my throat feel like it’s tightening and I become nauseous. I feel like I just have so much shit on my plate and I don’t even know where to start. I don’t even know how to explain all of my feelings in words and it makes me want to tear my hair out. I don’t feel in control of my life or actions and sometimes I feel like im just existing inside the shell of my body and I’m watching shit occur. 

Does anyone have any experiences or can relate and tell me your story? 