Ok, I'll try to make this as brief as i can, but their is alot to unpack.  Im a 38 year old Obese bald male who lives at home and is a caregiver for my elderly parents.  I have Depression, Anxiety Disorder with severe panic attacks, OCD and PTSD. I am in treatment, i talk to my therapists weekly.

Since i take care of my elderly parents, often i feel like I'm living their lives for them and not my own and they stress me out too as i grew up in a super dysfunctional family where i was always the scapegoat and hyper criticized.

Because of that, i never had a lot of self confidence, never really went after romantic relationships, but i did get crushes but never once was one ever felt back the same way. I understand and im not some mad incel or anything, just because you love or care for someone does not mean they have to feel the same way about you. Because of that, i always tried to avoid getting crushes. 

I have a close inner circle of friends and Im usually shy around new people. It takes me a while to feel confortable.

Anyhow, 2 years ago, my best friend meet a wonderful young woman whom would soon become his girlfriend and me and her connected almost instantly, which is super unusual for me.  She just instantly treated me like a person, and not some fat older socially awkard thing and we were joking around etc within hours of meeting.

Well, they soon became a couple and i coulden't have been happier for them. Im much older (we are all over 18) and my friend deserves a good person like her in her life and unlike his last girlfriend (whom i loathed) she seemed like a genuine kind person.

Anyhow, the pandemic started and that fall i made the painful choice to go into self imposed isolation with no physical contact with anyone until a vaccine was avalable. I was allready wearing a paint resperator just to go out to get the mail and i knew i couldent risk my elderly parents health just to have a social life, so from Auguest to March the only contact i had with them was Facetime or text.

It was the most lonely time of my life filled with multiple severe panic attacks and suicidial thoughts but no plans on acting on them.

Anyhow last year i got my vaccine and returned to hanging out but i would still have panic attacks and at that time it dawned on me i really did care for my best friends girlfriend.  At first i thought it was romantic and i felt ashamed, but with the help of my therapists and a mutual friend of ours, i learned my feelings are more platonic in nature.

Id never betray my best friend, and while she is beautiful i find her beauty more for whom she is then what she is, and id never really wana be physical with her as i view her more as a little sister then anything.

My friends a constant joker, and he would tease me i am "Mr steal your girl" because id get along well with her (and the other guys girlfriends tbh) because the way he explained it to me is women dont really find me sexually threating and i have an innocent way about me. (maybe its because im not the type of person thats instantly trying to get in a womans pants the moment i meet them, and see women as people instead of objects)

Anyhow, based on how deeply i care for her, i would laugh on the surface but it would hurt, and make me feel ashamed.  I never wanted to get feelings for anyone. It just naturally happened. She treated me like a person and that means the world to me.

Summing it up, few months ago, i had it with the jokes, i was tired of feeling guilty and though our mutual friend i sent my best friend a letter explaing how his jokes would make me feel like shit.

He sent the letter to her, (a letter mind you that never was intended for her to begin with) and now i havent seen or talked to her in almost 3 months.

That really hurts. I get its an awkard situation, i really do, but that cuts deep. I cant help but care for the people i care for and id never hurt or disrespect them in any way. Im not after her in a romantic way, and i really just want the best for her. 

The reality is im going to be 40 next year, and i wonder even if i try my best and lose weight again (i once lost over 200 pounds naturally but nearly starving myself) if id reach 50, and i just want my friend back, nothing more.

Even her boyfriend says shes dragging this out longer then it needs to be. I havent messaged her, i refuse to do anything that would make her feel awkard or unconfortable and if she ever wants to resume our friendship, i want her to do it on her terms.

its just hurts so much. I dident chose to feel like this. im a big hearted guy, its just my nature. But to be shunned because i care, cuts deep on a whole other level and has all but destroyed my self confidence.