Hello there! I don't know if this is precisely the right place I should post this. I don't even know if I should speak up about this. I have no idea wheter anybody will even bother to read all of this or not - I don't know yet how long of a read it will be, but I know it's gonna be a lenghty one, so I dearly appreciate you if you do manage to read through it.

I'm 16. Last year I met someone on the Internet on one of those sites where you talk to random strangers. It does help you feel less lonely at times - yet it can make you feel more miserable than ever at other times. I had been using such sites ever since I was about 12-13 years old. Looking back on my experience with it, I feel like they had a bad influence on me, overall (yet that's a story for another time). What I want to point out with this is that this person I met reminded me a lot of myself - They seemed just as lost in there as I was. They were there for a rant. They could barely go on and type. It was clear to me that they had nobody else whom they could talk to and whom would listen to them. I wanted to help. And I did listen. Ended up getting in touch.

We'll call them 'Duffy' to ease things. Duffy is 17 as of now, half an year older than me. They've lived through some particularly traumatic experiences. To be fair, their experience with life hasn't been great in general, yet I don't know many details. Duffy rarely ever talks about their past. But what I do know is that when Duffy talked to me that night, they were in free fall. One day before I met them, they had just had one more attempt. I do know they had many more before that one, yet, again, I don't know the details. And even if I did know more about their past, I don't think it's my right to share such things.

As I was saying, when we talked that night, Duffy was at their lowest. But I did manage to see beyond what many would view as unpleasant or too much of a handful - and what I've discovered is an amazing person of the likes I have never ever met before or after and someone which I've truly fallen in love with. I do know I'm 16. And I know many would say I don't know much about love. In fact, it's my first ever relationship. But I think thay says more about how much I know, not how little. Every day, they make me discover more about this complex feeling I have. It's a struggle, but I do enjoy it! There is no doubt about what I feel for them. I love Duffy so much!

What I do not enjoy is the other kind of struggle... But I'm there for Duffy. I've always been supportive - Quite literally from the very first conversation! And not just me - Duffy's got some faithful friends who've been there for them (which I physically cannot) and, even though they don't know, I thank them a lot! I'm really thankful to every single person who's been there for Duffy the past months (and even before). As a matter of fact, after that episode, Duffy's school found out about their state and were more understanding than anyone could ever imagine. I am thankful to that as well! Through the right support, Duffy had got better. And yet...

Even when they were at their best, Duffy would remind me that if they ever got to feel that way again, they would end things. I'm quite an optimistic person, so I tend not to think a lot about such things unless they actually happen. I feel as if such a mindset can prevent (to a rather insignificant extent) bad things from occuring. Yet, as you've most likely already guessed, it did come back. Why did those feelings, moods and thoughts come back? Well, from what Duffy was able to tell me, it was a combination of unfortunate events happening at an overwhelming rate. Last year of school before University, arguments with awful people, arguments with people Duffy cares about, thinking about the past etc.

September has been quite hectic - With lots of ups and downs. Duffy's had lots of mood swings and they are lacking in motivation. It's a view that breaks me apart - The view of Duffy wanting to go on with life so much and wanting to succeed (and I can assure you that Duffy does have a bright future ahead of them. They are more than brilliant at their job and passion.) yet struggling and fighting the urge of ending the unbearable pain that takes over them every time they wake up and every single time they try to go to sleep.

Yet I'm there. I wish that this would have never come back, but I'm more than willing to be there for them every day and night, even though I'm not physically capable of doing so. It's been harder than ever lately. I have to make lots of judgement calls and be careful with what I say. I'm always afraid I could say something wrong or make a wrong judgement call that would make Duffy feel even worse or simply not help at all.
I think I might have made a wrong judgement call. I'm usually able to tell wheter I did or said something wrong or not, but this time I am simply not able to. Sometimes, there is someone close to me around who can help me figure it out. Yet this time I can't talk to many people about it. It's really personal. And I feel like not even those I talk to really get it. It's quite hard to talk about it even in here, but yet I've been typing for over an hour so I guess I should just get on with it now.

You see... Me and Duffy have had a dozen of 'sexual experiences' together. At first, it was something casual which we were both accustomed to (We had been wandering on those sites way before we should have). It got more personal and intimate throughout time - And it got more complex. Sometimes, it won't be pleasant at all. Sometimes, I will say something stupid while we are at it. Or think about something stupid. And, usually, when that happens, Duffy forgives me and I do thank them a lot for having the power to do so! And still...

Last time we did it, a couple of weeks ago, Duffy had already started to feel bad again. After we were done, I stupidly said that it was the best ******* 'ever'. You can only imagine how it came off... There was an argument and they got upset really quickly. They got really upset. And things were said. After they calmed down, they realised I didn't mean it like that. And they got upset at themselves for ruining everything. They started blaming themselves. And they explained that they do not even know why they do this thing since they don't even enjoy it. It makes them think of their past (which I can relate to more than you can possibly imagine. I sometimes hate myself for it, yet I still choose to do it). That night I told myself that it would be for the best if we took a break from 'taking part in sexual activity together' cause I feel like it, as a whole, is unhealthy for both of us given our past.

Thing is that tonight, while I was sleeping, I get a call from them. I (surprisingly) pick up and Duffy tells me about how they are drunk and horny as heck. It's nothing new. I'm used to that. Yet, knowing what happens every time, especially last time, and knowing that Duffy will eventually feel bad about it given the way they've felt lately, I had to turn them down cause I felt like it was for the best for both of us. I do not want Duffy to wake up tomorrow and question themselves, so I would rather turn it down so they don't have to question anything at all. I know I probably made the right choice, but I also know that Duffy will be upset either way. I think they are upset right now, as a matter of fact. They were very talkative and glad to see me and talk to me when the call started. Yet, after I turned them down, they were barely answering my texts. They switched their mood really fast. They haven't answered or picked up for over an hour now and so I assume that they've fallen asleep, but I'm anxious thinking about how they will feel in the morning, thinking about what happened. I'm afraid they will blame themselves again, thinking that they've got to the point where they are so unstable that I won't even take part in such things with them. Or that we can simply not enjoy ourselves this way cause of their state of mind. What I've done sounds reasonable, yet I know they will question and blame themselves, either for asking me, either for the fact of being drunk in the first place, either for both or even for the simple fact they are "like this". Yet I think Duffy is amazing and it hurts me to see them blame themselves like this. Or the thought they won't even tell me they have such thoughts. What should I do? Should I start to take part in sexual activities with them again, just when it seems as if they feel alright about it and just be careful at how it unravels? Or keep going like this and try to make them understand I can't risk making them feel worse for such a thing? I don't even understand exactly how their mind works. I'm just trying my best. I care about them a lot. I just feel like I need help in getting to understand Duffy better and I don't even know who could possibly help me with that. I don't know if it's possible. I want to be a good partner for this precious breathing thing.