cw // self harm, suicidal thoughts

this is heartbreaking. my fp admitted he has feelings for me and he always has, but while trying to get over me, he started liking someone else. and he still has feelings for this person. he still likes me as well. 

i don’t have feelings for anyone else.

i feel so broken.

the past few days we were flirting with each other and i felt so secure and happy about our relationship, I NEVER FELT SO STABLE BEFORE. and now? it’s all fallen apart. i love him the most as a friend of course, but this is so painful i literally feel like dying and i hate myself for it. 

i have really important final exams coming up, but i can’t focus on anything, THIS IS ALL I AM THINKING ABOUT CONSTANTLY. i feel dead inside. i want to self harm. i want to do something. 

man i hit my head against a wall until it started bleeding because i just wanted to feel something else other than this heartbreak. i’m so exhausted. things never work out. and i can’t help but feel like its all my fault. i am the problem. maybe i am the terrible person and that’s why things never work out for me.

he said he’ll think about whether or not he can have a relationship with me and i said the same thing.. but is that even fair? if he has feelings for someone else, is it fair to me to be in a relationship with him? i know i should have some self respect and say if he has feelings for someone else, he shouldn’t be with me. but i can’t help myself. i almost don’t care. i just want to be with him. 

in the end i think the best thing to do is sort this out after our final exams but this is consuming me so much. i don’t know how to pull myself together.