i believe that people are unique because of their most true self, who they are at their core. 

when i think of myself, i feel like i’m floating within a vessel- not necessarily physically, but mostly mentally. 

i’m bipolar type 1 with ptsd, anxiety, depression, panic disorder, and more. the result is that every emotion is way more intense and heightened. it feels like i am only my emotions because of how much i feel them. 

who i am feels like a constantly changing thing because i feel trapped within infinite layer of emotion, anxiety, depression, and so much more. 

who am i under those layers?? how do i define that?? 

whenever i try to think about this, i think about my younger self. it felt like i was the most true when i was a child, before the onset of trauma and mental illness. i feel like deep down, im still a child. 

maybe this is who i am, but i feel like i deserve to credit myself for the growth i’ve made. i’ve improved so much as a person and i’ve worked so hard to get where i am. the thing that conflicts me is that i really only needed to improve because of my mental illness and the habits i adapted from abuse. this is what i meant by “layers” - did i grow if i was only responding to things that i had no control over? who was growing?

 i just don’t know who i am behind my illness. i never had time to learn or even be my true self because i was just trying to survive my own brain.