Sooooo I had a really bad manic episode last year. I needed restraining by police and then was taken to hospital for weeks. Anyhow, ive had some weird realisation since coming out of it, that actually im a really shitty person. I seem to lie all the time without thinking, i drink alcohol and become chaotic and abandon all responsibilities when i become depressed. I literally convinced myself certain things were true when i was manic and i’m now living in the shadows of those delusions/lies. I’m reflecting on all the things i’ve done and i’m quite comforted by the fact that i’m planning my suicide so this is hopefully all temporary and my own inflicted capital punishment may open the gates to a peaceful abyss and a new level. I may even reincarnate. My other option is to just accept the fact that i’m a dick and just continue in my web of dickness until i lose my soul. Will have to use alcohol or drugs to aid this one probably.
What do i do, like which path is ideal here?
Also, i’m not manic or anything because i feel depressed af or coming out of it... fuck.