So...

I loved a guy and thought I knew him. He then fucked up. I feel horrible without him. He's doing better without me and doesn't care about me. Part of that makes me suicidal, but I have a goal to reach before doing that. There's no way out of these emotions. How do I deal with this? I got so attached and fucked myself up entirely. I'm so mad. Hurt. Angry. I feel betrayed. Sad. Lonely. Unwanted. Depressed. Like a failure. Being without him feels like half of my heart was ripped away from my chest. I feel like I'm dying without him. I feel sick to my stomach thinking he doesn't NEED me he doesn't WANT me anymore. I feel purposeless without him. I try to stop thinking about him but I keep doing it. I want it to stop. He keeps living inside of my mind. I'm a goner without him. I loved him so much. I was so sweet to him. I genuinely wanted him to be happy. Then I split. And I split -- hard. I went ballistic. My heart is in pain. I cared so much and he just insulted me, calling me a stalker when I begged him not to end his life. He hated me and all I ever did was love him. He falsely threatened suicide and I was in tears last night, highly disturbed. What hurts me so much is if I killed myself he wouldn't give a fuck. He doesn't give a fuck about me and it kills me inside. WHY do I care so much for an asshole who hates me?! I could never forget him. I miss the moments we had together. He was so funny and just, he doesn't give a shit. He easily replaced me with multiple people. I knew him before he had any of that, and he doesn't seem to care. But it isn't the first time this happened. This is just the only time where I loved someone to this degree. No human should be this attached to one another. If he died right now, knowing he hates me my life would STILL be  ruined. I cannot cope with losing him or him dying. How hurt am I to reach out and pour my support to him for him to just say "leave me alone!" in retaliation. I'm so done with life. Maybe I'm broken. Maybe a part of me *is* evil and I'm not allowed to be loved. Maybe I'm not worth what I thought I was. Maybe he's right. I wish I could stop feeling. I've been trying but I'm breaking down. Remove this disorder from me, I'm sick of feeling like this all the time! I'm sick of people calling me 'crazy.' I'm not crazy because I feel emotions on an extreme level. I'm just crazily HURT. I'm so hurt that it seems like insanity when I take all of my repressed emotions and blurt them out. I was insulted, harassed and just beaten down. I don't see a point in living, but I don't see a point in dying either. What the fuck is the point? And years later, if I found out he killed himself, if somehow his friends didn't convince him to get help I'd STILL be broken inside. For a man who doesn't. even. think of me.