I was so depressed all week, because my SO had a fight with me and told me he didn't want to visit me because of how I was acting    
I couldn't cope with it, i felt horrible, i cried going to sleep. I thought of death. I thought of hurting myself. How easy would it be to just die. Because nothing matters anymore. I didn’t care that I wasn’t eating, not going out, being trapped in my dark room, i lost all means to recover  
then last second when he told  me he would come out of nowhere, saying it was raining that day so it was "a sign" that he should go  
  
I cried even more and felt even more sad because my suicidal thoughts went AWAY.    
Because why should he control my happinesss in such a way that it is completely out of my hands?  
That my mind won’t listen to me at all, WHAT I WANT, no, I can't control ANYTHING anymore, not what i want, what i need, what i want to feel, what i want to believe, NOTHING. it feels fucking FAKE  
  
Everything feels too intense, and too many things change all the time. My head doesn’t feel real anymore. of course my depression is gone now that hes coming but why the fuck do i need him that much?! my feelings really just feel like huge waves i have to survive, my feelings aren't who i am anymore  