I am, and have been since I first started exploring my sexuality around the age of 6 or 7, very masochistic and obsessed with rape and sadistic individuals.  When I consume porn, it's either rape or otherwise degradation and powerplay focused.  When I have sex irl, I enjoy it when my partner inflicts mild and sometimes severe pain and I enjoy very dark roleplay.  I cannot get off without some element of masochism, physical or mental. 

Unfortunately, I have found that I am unable to partake in this type of play IRL because I will forget that it's consensual and start to feel like my partner is actually doing these things to me, and like, my brain twists things so that it all feels real.  So my serious partner and I who previously engaged in such play had to step away from that because even though it is what gets me off the best, I just cannot mentally... handle it, I guess.  I guess it is worth mentioning that I was sexually abused at a very young age.   

Does anyone else get off on pain?  Is the masochism a BPD thing or is it just how I turned out?  Is being masochistic just my way of expressing my self-destructive side?  Am I weird? 