I’m still in high school, but I’ve already ruined so much. I didn’t take my meds today because of a family situation that came up and I had to come intervene. Now I’m here. 

Honestly my Bpd is so bad. And even though I’m getting therapy for it- I’m reminded either by myself or others that it’s not enough or that I’m still hurting them in some way. The worst part is I honestly feel like I spend the majority of the time trying to convince everyone else and myself that I’m going to do better. That I will lose the weight, my current fp will come back and it’s a separation not an ending, that I didn’t deserve the things that have happened to me, that I’ll fix my chest, go on t, and be happy, that my gf will love me, that my family will, I’ll make friends. Honestly I don’t believe it. Or that I’ll become better.

I feel like the people that beat me, that sexually hurt me, bullied, etc, even the people that just left, or abandoned. I empathize with them. I understand why they hurt me. Now people that don’t do those things I hurt them too (not like that just with my condition), and honestly sometimes I want to spare them my damage, or anymore damage. 

Sometimes I miss when those things happened, they felt deserved. Now trying to build some confidence, self worth, or self trust feels impossible. I guess I almost feel like the best way to apologize would be death. Maybe they’d care or maybe they’d feel happy knowing I won’t bother them. Honestly I just I feel like living is such a selfish thing. Wanting the things I want or believing in them feels like trying to believe in Santa Claus, and maybe if I did it- idk I’d keep the last bit of dignity I have. 

Can someone please help me. I don’t know and I just want to talk