My last therapist suggested I might have BPD and that is what led me here. Looking at the signs and symptoms in relation to my history it seems to fit, specially the subtype of quiet bpd.  


One of the elements that stood out most strongly to me is lacking a sense of self. I find when I like or idolize someone I begin to try and emulate them. Not just aesthetically, but I try to understand them so I can think like them. Part of my brain seems to think that if I fully become like them I will have what they have - or that they will like me.  


When I'm alone I would say I have very little in terms of personality. My apartment is mostly spartan, and the things I do regularly are more compulsive - I don't actually enjoy them. Contrast this with the apartment of my last ex - her space was so fully of stuff: posters of bands she'd been in, art she'd made, lots of beautiful hand-made furniture and knick knacks. It was so nice to be in her space because it felt fully lived in.  


As a child I suffered via emotional neglect and going through ABA (a form of Autism "treatment" that tries to condition the child to exhibit normal behavior). My foundational memories of liking things as a child (I had no friends) was criticism of those things."why do you spend so much time on the computer?" or ignoring me when I wanted to share what I was into.  


Now as an adult I find it difficult to enjoy things. Most of the time I can't seem to choose things because they make me happy. They don't really make me happy, or I cannot let myself feel good about them so I have trouble deciding on what to fill my life with. All I can think about is the negatives, which remind me of my parent's voice: "That's too expensive; it will take too long to clean; people will find that tacky; that's an embarrassing choice; what will people think if they see that?" So I keep my life relatively empty, and so I feel empty.  


Anyone who has overcome this how did you do it?