So I guess I should start this off by saying I've had depression my entire life. Not in the way that some people get depressed for a little while and get over it I mean I have a genuine mental illness when it comes to depression. I've been depressed since before I ever even had a reason to be depressed. I wrote my first (and so far only) suicide note in the third grade and when my teacher found it and showed my mom it broke her heart so I tried my hardest to repress these feelings for a long fucking time to make sure I don't hurt anyone the way I hurt her with that note. But anyway I just want to focus on what's going on with me right now, just thought I'd give some context as to where my depression comes from and how long I've been struggling with it.



My life right now is a complete and utter mess. all the events that happened leading me to this point in my life started about 2 years ago. I was 17 years old and my mom had decided to start dating this guy that she met through fucking Facebook dating of all goddamn places and he was  and still is a complete and utter fucking loser, but I was too distracted with my new relationship to realize what was going on between him and my mom. I had started dating this girl who at the time I thought was the most beautiful woman I've ever met in my life. She was funny and a giant fuckin nerd like me and she was genuinely a very beautiful woman I was honestly surprised a weird looking guy like me could get with such an amazing woman like her.


However not too long into the relationship things started to go south because if the both of us. I'm not gonna sit here and lie and act like I was perfect, because I most definitely was not and I made a few mistakes in our relationship aswell like when I was caught watching porn and how I grew more distant towards the end of our relationship because of the way things where going. But she was overall just horrible to me. She would cut herself in front of me after I would do something stupid to upset her (nothing major just minor things like say the wrong thing in front of her or not want to do something at that very moment at that specific point in time etc etc.) She would try to make me do things I wasn't comfortable with like have someone fuck her in front of me or try to finger her in her mom's car while she was inside of someone's house or fuck her in public or just other shit like that. I remember this one time I was teasing her over this girl she was following on Instagram because I knew she was bi so I was teasing her for following girls i knew she thought was cute and she threw her hand over my mouth, told me to shut the fuck up and that she wouldn't be dealing with my shit. She later told me that she only did this because she liked the sense of power it gave her to have so much control over me and tried to guilt trip me when I told her how uncomfortable that made me feel.


Anyway after some time we ended up breaking up  literally a day or two after my 18th birthday. Talk about one helluva birthday present right? But anyway I knew it was for the best but I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss her after we broke up and still miss her even to this day even with everything she's done to me both during and after the breakup. The breakup wasn't even the worst part. The worst part was that someone who was once my best friends (literally someone I would have taken a fucking bullet for in a moments notice) started fucking her not even a full day after we broke up. If it stopped at that I would have been able to forgive him but it didn't. When I tried to talk some sense into him and reason with him he just sent me a picture when they where cuddling in his bed half naked and that honestly fucked me up for a minute. He justified all this because some gross ass bitch who he was with before he started dating my ex lied to him and told him we had sex when you literally couldn't pay me to touch that whore. This whole town I'm in has probably had a turn inside that woman and you would never catch me with his ex in anyway sexual whatsoever. But anyway a few months after this they got married which shouldn't have broke me the way that it has for so long but it has ultimately broken me for a while now.


The worst part about them getting married was the guy was so deeply involved in my friend circle that I didn't even want to go around the for a while even though I knew that they respected my wishes to not be around him and they where all on my side during everything that went down. The reason I couldn't hear to be around them was because he was quite literally related to all of them other than one of the guys. He was cousins with them all and I knew if I was going to be around them I was bound to hear about him at some point and I also knew nobody wanted to deal with the drama and I felt like me being around them would have created drama in itself.


Around this time was when I started to notice things about my mom and her boyfriend. I noticed how toxic they're relationship was and how awful it was to be around them. He would cause fights, throw shit around the house, freak out on me and my mom and sister, and once even just punched me square in the face because I called him a tweaker and that hurt his ego just a little too much. He was bringing meth into the house and smoking it everywhere freely without a care in the fucking world. I swear this fucking piece of shit had no right to be in my life but my mother let him because she's just so fucking scared to be alone so she'd rather ruin her and her kids lives than have to sleep alone at night or just settle for a halfway decent person for fucking once.


Around here is when I started to truly fucking despise my mom but not just because of her letting her junky boyfriend in the house but also because of what she was doing to me and how she was acting. She had started smoking meth and I was in so much denial for it for so long because when I was younger she was very anti drug and didn't want to have me or my sister around any of it until I turned about twelve and things started to slowly change but that's a different story for another time. The meth started to make her act out and ruin our relationship. She was constantly fucking stealing my money and making me do things I didn't want to have to do. My bank account was a subsidiary on her account so she had access to my account information at all times which was fucking stupid of me. To top it off she wouldn't give me the password to the account to see the activity she would be using with my money. I remember one time my Xbox went missing and they claimed to have no idea where it went for months. And I believed my mom. I knew she had fallen off the wagon but I didn't think it was that far.  A few months later I find out through my grandma that my mom was actually the one to steal my Xbox and that she pawned it. I also found out my grandma gave my mom money to take it out of the pawn and my mom lied to my grandma and told he she got it out.


All of this led to a big fight between me and my mom. One large shouting match about how much she had been fucking up our lives. I had tried talking to her peacefully about this for so long and she just never listened and all these emotions just boiled over and let loose when we had this argument. Things did get a little physical but nothing fucking crazy. We ended up getting in eachother faces and shoving eachother a little bit but that was it. Other than the yelling and screaming at eachother that was the worst it got. When my little sister went outside to try and talk to my mom, my mom fucking lied to my little sister and tried to tell her I hit her in the face. At this point I fucking lost it and went out into the parking lot to call her out on her shit I had had enough. This was the straw that broke the camels back. This was what ended up ruining my relationship with my mom. How she could just so boldly and pathologically lie to my face for long and then do the same to my little sister and tell her I did something so awful. That was when I realized my mom wasn't my mom anymore. This was when she became no more than just some junky to me. Our relationship hasn't healed since this, and I'm worried it never will.


There was some more that happened between me and my mom. I was pretty sure she stole my social security card and my ID and a bunch of other shit but by this point I didn't expect anything less from my pathetic mom. Not too long after all this I ended up moving in with my half sister to get away from my mom and the drama at the house but things haven't been much better. I've been trying to hang out with my friends in my hometown more again since I'm here but it isn't easy to pull myself up to do it. I'm so fucking alone right now and it's horrible. I don't have anybody or anything all I do is sit at home and play my PS5 all fucking day. I'm trying to get a job right now and I'm calling these places I've applied to everyday to try and get an interview but nothing is working.


I'm 19 right now and I'm struggling to see any reason to continue living. It doesn't seem like things are getting better anytime soon. Everyone In my family is on drugs and I only talk to a couple people in my family because I can't bear to see what everyone else has become. I'm more lonely than I ever have been in my life and I'm fucking ugly and stupid and don't see any reason why any person would want to love and care for me in any capacity whether that be relationship wise or just friendships. And everyday I just want to fucking end everything but don't have the balls to pull the fucking trigger. Do things get better? Should I try to stick things out? Or should I just grow a fucking pair and blow my cap off tonight? I don't even know why I'm asking either way I'm not gonna be able to grow the balls to do it. If anyone's made it this far I'm sorry if I killed your mood and bored you to death with this long post. Also sorry if this post isn't the best. This is only the second thing I've ever posted to reddit. Anyway have a good night/day to anyone reading I hope you're able to enjoy the day or night that you're having. Much love to all.