Someone who means a lot too me used to cut herself.  Many people thought she did it for attention...and while I’m sure at times people showing concern for her was a little relief that was never why I thought she did.

In a deal I quit smoking for her to resist cutting and I believe so far she has kept her end of the deal as so have I even though I hardly hear from her since she pushed me away.

I always felt the cutting was a way of distracting the intense inner pain she internalized and was somewhat a relief method.

Being a covert schizoid, I refrain letting people to close...mostly because the highly developed cognitive empathy I acquired makes me hurt on the inside as well if someone I care about hurts and they have zero way of hiding their emotions from me picking up on everything subconsciously.

While many people get hurt going from the intense love, idealization, period to being hated that isn’t what causes me pain due to the fact I never really seen value in someone else’s opinion of me because that doesn’t define me, my own actions and intent define me.

However similar to cutting, I find I do a method of distraction.  I tend to surround myself with people who are normally toxic for others and help them through their problems.  If I can find a way to help them and care enough about them it distracts me from concerns for her.  Though it is draining to constantly be a rock for someone and maybe a bit of added stress when I have no other worries my concerns drift back to her.

See the only way she could hurt me is when she would hurt herself.  I’d never tell her this because she has literally tried everything she could think of from a big smear campaign, to trying to rub personal things between her next fp(now ex) to trying to put herself in situations to cause me to worry about her.  All of which seems to be so intentional to get me to “lose my cool” or break a promise I made years ago never to turn my back on her like everyone else does.