I’ve read a lot of the posts on this thread and they’ve made me feel so much at ease. 95% of the posts have stories that have happened to me and made me realize the person I was with wasn’t an inherently malicious person. I’m truly grateful for this community to opening my eyes and removing the confusion I once had. Here’s my experience:

Dating someone with BPD had the very best and very worst parts of a relationship. When it was good, it was the best partner I ever had. She was attentive, supportive, funny, very intelligent, and went out of her way for me. When things were bad, I ducked for cover and needed to separate myself from her as quickly as possible. 

When we first started dating, things came very quickly. What started as just a texting relationship soon evolved into Skype conversations every night (usually lasting hours). It seemed like we had everything in common and when we weren’t talking at night, she would be texting me during the day. When we did go on our first date, she planned the perfect day for us and we really didn’t want to leave. 

From there, things slowly started to unravel (and it’s something I’ve seen a few times mentioned in this thread). After a month, she asked me what I thought about a restaurant we went to and I said I liked it but couldn’t eat there every night. That small disagreement turned into a two hour passive aggressive fight that I couldn’t understand. But after two hours, it was like it never happened. She just did a 180 and was back to being her fun self. At this point, I also noticed that she had some red flags. All her ex’s were crazy. She thought her last boyfriend was bipolar and the last guy she dated was stalking her so she had to get a restraining order. It all seemed a bit far fetched but I overlooked it. 

But that first fight seemed to open the floodgates. After that, there would be times when she would just look for fights and put words in my mouth. “What are your thoughts on immigration? Oh my god, you want a wall don’t you? You totally do! I can’t believe it!”-all before I could answer her original question on immigration. It got to the point where I had to be so cautious with what I said because I never knew how my comments would be interpreted. If she asked me about food, drinks, or anything at all, I had to always give a positive answer regardless of how I felt because I didn’t know how it could spiral. 

Then there was the constant need for assurance. The one question I was asked more than anything is “what are you thinking?”. I could be thinking about work or a movie we saw or errands I had to run, but if there was a moment of silence between us, the question would always come up. 

What finally ended things between us was I wasn’t available to skype with her two nights in a row (work obligations). After six months, I was emotionally and mentally exhausted in the relationship and needed some time away. She took this as a sign that I wasn’t interested anymore and wanted to get out quick. I stopped hearing from her after that second night despite getting loving messages from her two nights earlier. 

The question I’ve been struggling with is why would I stick around through all the fighting and abuse for 6 months? Honestly, because when things were good between us, they were great. 60% of the time we spent together, she was fun to be with and we really connected. However, in my mind, I justified that those good times were good enough to justify the bad. When she left, I was confused because I did need a break but I don’t know if I was ready for her to leave. Having read through too many posts, I don’t know if I could have hung on too much longer. It’s definitely a process getting over the whole thing. Having someone fall for you so quickly and divulge so many sensitive details about their life so early in a relationship, you trust them wholeheartedly. But understanding BPD a little more definitely helps. 

