im 23, I work full time which is great because it keeps me busy. however, on my days off I do absolutely nothing... I make decent pay so I often go shopping to keep myself distracted but I feel so empty when I get home. ive definitely developed a spending problem because of this but it gives me momentary joy. 

I hate being alone but I also find it comforting. I dont really trust anyone including my few friends. Ive had issues making new friends in the last 3 years and before that I made friends at school but I found out they were using me and would exclude me all the time. my one gf is always busy with her bf and kinda just puts me down and lies to me all the time, not big ones just white lies but we’ve been friends for 10+ years, its hard she never wants to hangout or do anything. 

I havent been in a relationship for almost 5 years and ironically ive been sleeping with him on and off for the last year and a half. I know its not good but its nice to feel wanted in the moment. he used to be my best friend. I often look back on the past few years and regret how ive lived, I feel like im not doing anything, I wish I had the social skills to make new friends and that I was liked by people but im just not. 

there was a point in my life where I basically stayed in bed for a year, my depression hit rock bottom and i went to the hospital. my life has gotten better but I also just dont think about my feelings and have tried to stay busy. but thats hard to do when you have no friends or significant other. I want to go out and do things, I want to travel on my days off but i want to experience these things with people. I dont think ill get to do this when im older and ive done things alone for years now, but im tired. I feel like im wasting my time and definitely wasting money. im not even sure what to do with my life anymore. im not experiencing anything. I truly dont get why im here or the purpose of all this. 

if you happen to read my post I truly appreciate it. its definitely a vent and I clearly need to talk to a therapist because im all over the place.