Sorry its so long...

I think one of the major reasons I struggle so much with my anxiety is because I'm not able to see the bigger picture of situations and instead hyper-focus on every little detail and attribute meaning to it Someone can just look away or yawn during a conversation and I'll beat myself up like "was I boring them" or "I should just stop talking". I know I shouldn't care what other think of me but I do, and I don't really know how not to.

I honestly don't know why I'm like this. My family are complete extroverts and I am too when I with them alone. But the second I'm in public I lose all ability to be "normal". I don't have witty one-liners, I cant have small talk with someone in an elevator (matter of fact I avoid eye contact all together), I can't make awkward situations less awkward (I'd make them painfully more awkward by staying silent because I don't want to say the wrong thing) and I definitely cant make friends easily because, again I don't know how to talk. I think so much about what I'm going to say when someone puts me on the spot that I stutter after every word. I have to think of every way I can respond and I try to say of them all at once, while still thinking of more ways to respond. It's especially harder when you see everyone around you has the ability talk causally and effortlessly and your are the one person who can't formulate a sentence.

As a college student, I'm surrounded and I mean surrounded by extraverts, mainly because of the subject I'm studying (Healthcare), and I stick out for being quiet which sucks! I don't know how many times people have commented on it as if i wasn't already aware of it. "You should speak up more" Yeah lol if only it was that easy. Sadly I have this mindset: "If I don't say anything, I wont say something stupid and embarrass myself, and then I won't have anything to beat myself up over" which needless to say has only caused me to isolate myself more. I feel like I miss out on alot because of my social anxiety. Not being the typical college student makes me feel like there's something wrong with me. I really do try to speak, and I try to fit into the mold but it feels like I'm trying to trying to move a boulder up a hill because I'm trying to be someone I'm not.

I also think my grief comes from me not accepting the fact that I have social anxiety. I want to think of myself as "normal" and I want to fit in and especially don't want to be weird. I can pretend to an extent in certain situation (like talking to the cashier at the store while buying something) but it's only for very very short periods of time. And I basically have to become a different person to even do that much. I cringe at myself so hard sometimes, and the voice in my head is like, "how hard is it to be normal, all theses other people are fine whats wrong with you?" and I replay basically every situation a thousand times in my head, hating myself more and more with every rerun.

I'm 20 now and I feel like if I don't try harder to socialize now I'll regret it later but its hard since when I do talk I feel like I'm waring a mask and just putting on a show rather than being myself.