So October last year. My girlfriend left me. And for the following 6 months or so. Maybe 8 i spent my time trying to win her back. Even though she had a new BF 4 days after we broke up. And one thing that keeps playing in my head over and over is a phone call. And I'm gonna name drop em. Not there surnames. Just there first names. So the context. We where gonna meet up. Her boyfriend wasn't supposed to know and didn't know we would still meet up. Cos most the time we did. She would end up cheating on him. Whether that was us kissing. Or even sex 4 times. So we where gonna meet up. Cos as much as we still wherent together. We both had feelings for one another still. But she also had feelings for her boyfriend Owen. So... We where gonna meet up and I call her... This was how the convo went:

Me: "Hey Connie, how are you, where we meeting?" (I was about 5-10 mins away from the rough area we where gonna meet at)
Her: "Hey sorry can I call you back in a bit? *Makes a wierd noise*"
Me: "Sure what's up? Is everything okay?" ( I thought she was in pain or something)
Her: "No sorry Owen is currently 2 knuckles deep into me right now and I'm trying not to moan down the phone to you"
Me: "Oh... He... Is there?"
Her: "yeah... *Lets out a little moan*"
Me: "guess we aren't meeting then..."
Her: "no"
She hangs up.

Like that call. I remember so vividly. And it hurts. Just the thought that she would even answer the phone. Or the fact that she decided to change plans and not even let me know? I had walked an hour and a half to go see her. And about 5-10 mins away I'm greeted with that?... Like... I didn't know what Todo... This all happened a few months ago. But my head is replaying it over and over and over again. Like. If Owen sees this post. I want him to know she did actually cheat on him. Cos what she did when he found out. Was claim that I forced myself on her when it wasn't like that at all. We had both given consent but she didn't want to be labeled a cheater so she called me a rapist instead. And then I can't go to the local town no more cos otherwise I'm going to be stabbed by Owen and his mates. But that's not the point. This post is about my head.

So my head is now fucking up. Im anxious as fuck. I've got work tomorrow morning. The meds aren't helping as whenever I sleep I get nightmares relating to alot of horrible shit that has happened to me. So... Yeah... Like. My BPD is flairing and I don't wanna lash out at someone. My ex is blocked off everything and so is everyone who would have had contact with her. I'm currently trying to get with a girl who is legitimately perfect and I really don't wanna scare her off. I'm just absolutely fucked rn. Normally I would drink away the pain but I gotta save the booze for tomorrow. Just. Anyone got anyway that I can just get this all to shutup. So I can move on with my life?