This is weird to write out but I'm finally starting to accept the fact that I don't care about people and I lack empathy in most ways. I see relationships (whether they are romantic, platonic, family, etc.) all as a give and take. We give people what we feel like giving them based on what we feel like they need and then we take what we find valuable for them to give. When what they give isn't enough or if they do not give anymore, we trash them. That's how I think anyways. 

Growing up wasn't easy and I was diagnosed at about 14-15. I hated myself for most of my life (truly hated myself A LOT) but now I feel like something completely changed in my mind. I think that I'm better than others and others don't deserve the most from me (not sure if this makes sense). I'm definitely narcissistic at this point (maybe my BPD evolved to something else?)

I'm super aware that this is a terrible way to be. I've never maintained friendships well (literally have zero friends that date back before my move to a new city less than four years ago) but now I'm in my 20s and I have good friends who I enjoy hanging out with and I have a girlfriend who I've been dating for almost four years and this mentality has been impacting my life more and more because people can tell that I don't genuinely care. But I honestly don't know how to. I actually really can't care.

I try to improve and better understand and I read and read all kinds of articles and studies on how to navigate situations better in a more empathic way. I take that information and try to process it in an actionable way to make myself be more empathetic. But how I process it all is sometimes very robotic through testing and iteration. And it's been working somewhat well but sometimes when people ask me for advice about feelings and emotions, how I really feel (which is how I don't care) comes out and I know it makes them think twice about me as a person.

But the weird thing is I have feelings; I cry a lot and feel sad a lot but I just don't have empathy. I really don't want to lose friends anymore because I never want to be alone. I wish I could be more normal in how I feel for others and I wonder if anyone else here has ever experienced this kind of situation.