This is a copy of a post i put in another subreddit, but i figured here would probably be better as there'd definitely be others that understand. 

TL;DR: I want him back.

I just need to get all of this off my chest really, i (25f) initially broke up with 25m adter 2 and a half years of bliss, because i was grumpy that he was putting me second to his new hobby, skydiving. 

We were talking a lot still, and the week after i saw him, we slept together and it was amazing. We talked a lot, and over the next few days decided that we should try and fix things, and were back to seeing each other, as he put it. 

Things were amazing for weeks. Back to how they should be, how they were. 

Then last wednesday, out of the blue, i got a message saying he couldnt do it. I managed to weasel out of him that he has been talking to another girl (who he has no attraction for apparently). I got nasty and left with all of my stuff from his house. 

Cue existential crisis. He was absolutely everything to me, my sunshine, my storms, my rock, everything. 

I managed to get a chance to see his best friend, who i adore and continue to talk to, and he told me not to give up fighting for him, because "you two are fucking made for each other." I made plans to see my ex the night after and read him a massive letter that I had been working on for days, that outlined absolutely everything i possibly could have wanted to say, and asking for a chance to try.

He started by saying that he doesnt see a future with us. 

And then we spoke more. And he said he didnt feel like long term we should get back together. 

More talking, more questions, asked him if i was worth anything at all to him, to which he said of course i was. He was crying, a lot.

And then he said that i should come to his and watch the NRL grand final with him and his mate the next night (last night). We had a great time, i was a bit annoyed that he was snapchatting other people the whole time (i have my suspicions as to who). I had an hours drive home, and he offered for me to stay. We shared the bed, as his spare bed was occupied. 

All night he was pulling me in to be the little spoon. This morning there were lots of lingering hugs as we spoke. I gave him a list of things that we should/could work on, just to try. I asked why he didnt want to try. He said he didnt know. 

I asked him if he would think about consider counselling together, to which he said he would think about it. I feel like its a good option for us to explore. 

Hes going away for a few days with a mate to get away from everything. I asked, because i knew full well he wasn't going to talk to me, if he would also not talk to this other bird. To think about the list of things to try. To think about why we got together in the first place, 2 and a half years ago. To look at our photos together of all the things we had done together and had a blast with, and to not give up just because things are tough. 

When i left his this morning, i got about 10 hugs. All were long, and lingering. 

Im so fucking lost. I havent slept in a week, havent eaten in the same besides small amounts of fruit, i just smoke like a trooper and sulk and lay in bed trying to sleep. My uni work is suffering, and i god damn spent 90 bucks on a self help thing called get your ex back permanently. Thats how god damn desperate I am to repair things with him.


Update today: I've been referred to a psychiatrist, and I've had a lengthy tear filled chat with a friend and her husband (who both have BPD) and they've given me some clarity and some hope. We've written down a short term plan and a long term plan etc to getting him back/working on our relationship, but I'm still do down spirited