I'm going to break up with him this week. I think. After two years of feeling very unloved, not getting my needs met and chasing him, trying to get him to see me, I'm absolutely exhausted. I'm so resentful and broken over all he did and didn't do, how I was the only one really putting effort in and the ways our relationship and his behavior triggered me. The relationship exacerbated my symptoms so much and caused me to hate myself for the way I acted. 
All this time of absolute fear of abandonment, wanting to leave but never being able to made me such an angry and frustrated person. It has become nearly impossible for me to lovingly interact with him due to all this emotion. I don't hate him. I still love him with all my heart and I'm psychically sick and absolutely sad at the thought of ending it. 
I don't want to leave, I was so sure of leaving lately but the pain I've felt the last few days is making me doubt my decision. I thought he was my soulmate and he was the first person I really connected to, had much in common with, etc. That's a big deal to me because I've always felt so alone and like I don't belong. But I don't deserve this, I deserve to be loved and seen. Yeah I have bpd and I act in messed up ways sometimes, I'm needy, clingy, insecure and jealous but I'm willing to work on myself, reflect on my behavior and apologize. I go all out for the people I love and am very giving and supportive. 

I'm just really scared of the pain it will bring me, how lonely I will be. The only way I could ever distance myself from boyfriends/end relationships was by fixating on another dude, getting attention from him and thus feeling more worthy and stronger. I don't have a 'back up' right now. I'm all alone, can't even think of a man that's somewhat interesting to me, and I'm SO scared but I need to do this because I don't want to live like this anymore. I seriously won't survive that and I refuse to let my 20s go by like this. I finally want to experience actual love and support. I may sound like I'm overdramatic but after the upbringing that I had and other kind of relationships later on, this relationship makes me feel like I'm reliving the core of my trauma. 

I just wanted to tell you all because it's a big freakin' step for me and I think (some of) you can understand how a break up, especially with a fp that's no good for you but you still don't want to leave, can really mess you up. I guess I need some words of encouragement and maybe some tips from you fellow bpd'ers on how to make this somewhat bearable? 