I’ve always had a very low self esteem and confidence growing up. I was very shy as a child to the point where nobody would even notice that I wasn’t there. I was bullied over the years and that always made me feel weird and that I was an outcast. But I cared so much about what people thought but to this day I never know what it is. I wanted to change so bad but what was it that people didn’t like me for? I was so nice I would say sorry even if someone walks into me. 
I began to believe it was because I was ugly or something was wrong with my brain because nobody accepted me.
Over the years my anxiety built up, I was chewing my nails, picking my hair, crying secretly all the time and I developed social anxiety. I desired acceptance so much and I still do. 
There was point where I began to improve academically and I began to feel confident, even if nobody would accept me I found success for myself. I wanted to do something great. 
But I fell into depression and hopelessness again. I began failing. 
I tried researching what it could be but I can’t explain my brain in words. I’m always worried but unlike OCD I can’t pinpoint what I’m worried about. Random things trigger it like a phrase or an image but there is no connection to anything. I have constant thoughts like if I don’t remember something I can’t do anything else or if I don’t know how to do a question I won’t be able to move on. 
Sometimes I even feel suicidal because I feel so dumb- so far from human that I struggle to converse and comprehend. 
Does anyone know how I can get this constant thinking out of my head- how do I stop this constant self struggle? Honestly it’s so hard to explain how I feel. My head hurts, it feels heavy but I feel like nothing.