I’m having a really difficult time accepting having BPD and it not being a misdiagnosis of CPTSD. It’s the grey area that’s causing me the most angst and discomfort. 

Digging deeper into things in therapy has made it glaringly apparent my issues (and crises) involving identity. My “homework” this week is to make lists of how I believe others perceive me, and if I’m able to, how I perceive myself. And I’m honestly on the verge of just polling people in my life because I simultaneously have no idea, and don’t believe people when they say they see me a certain way. I know I’m kind, empathetic, intelligent, thoughtful—but I feel so disconnected from actually being those things. I feel cold, and callous, off-putting—but even that I know isn’t and doesn’t feel entirely accurate. 

I run, I act, I volunteer, I do yoga. But those are just things I do. I feel like I need someone standing over me telling me what I am, who I am, and maybe even too, why I am. I don’t have a self-esteem issue—I just feel like I’ve had to figure everything else out in my life and be adaptable in order to survive, that now I’m left with a coping mechanism that no longer serves me, and instead has stripped me of all meaning. I just feel so disconnected from everything, and having that distance feels safe. I can be actions instead of the messiness of emotions, the fickleness inherent in humans that hurts oneself and others, that fails, that is never enough, that’s good but needs to be better. Trying to identify who I am—it means opening Pandora’s box, and confronting shit I’ve blocked out or forgotten. It means maybe not being the person I want to be, or continuing to be dissatisfied with the person I am. 

This “homework” terrifies me. But more so, I’m worried about how inconsistent and contradictory it will be. Like a god—I am all things to all men, I am nothing to myself.