I put the gun up to my head

If only for a spell

Lie and say I have a chance

To fly ‘way from this hell



A second guess, a coward’s doubt

Is this really it?

I move my hand, I chicken out

BANG! The bullet hit…



The last I feel is falling

And all I see is black

Will I fall forever

Or does this end in “splat”



But I do not land in turmoil

Nor do I land in grief

I land with grace on impact

Like a feather or a leaf



“Oh my child, you’ve made it”

A voice coos to my right

“How wonderful to see you,

In this Heav’nly light”



My eyes begin to open

Everything is clear

I’m in a grassy meadow

How did I end up here?



I feel a gradual lifting

And it doesn’t seem quite right

Something here is missing

That was always by my side



I realize with a gradual smile,

What it was I lost

The pain that always followed me

Was finally given pause



This feeling that I’m feeling

Is what I would have felt

If father hadn’t left us,

If my icy heart had melt



If I wasn’t born deformed

And was born like all the rest

If I’d just been born the status quo

If I wasn’t born a mess



This is what I’d feel like,

This entire time,

If I wasn’t punished,

For someone else’s crime.



A tear falls down my cheek

I hope no one can see

But finally… yes finally…

I am finally free.



“But wait,” I say “this isn’t right

Am I going for a ride?,

I killed myself, and I’ve been told

The cost of suicide.”



“Oh child,” whispered the angel

As she washed away my shame

“How can it be... you sent to Hell,

When Hell is where you came?”