TW: Suicide

I went through a really toxic relationship this year and managed to get out of it. A month later I started dating someone new and things were going find. Yesterday night he told me he lost feelings and he doesn’t love me anymore. He did it so abruptly and he did it over text. It hurts so bad because he knows how my ex boyfriend treated me and goes and does the same thing.

He ghosted me and didn’t get me a proper explanation. In all honesty, I was losing feelings for him a bit but I feel unable to leave relationships whether I like the person or not because the thought of being alone terrifies me.  For  about a year, I have considered the fact that I might have BPD but when I started to loose feelings for my bf a bit I realised I probably didn’t but now I’m not sure. I was losing feelings for him yet I felt like I just couldn’t leave him. It’s so confusing and it completes messes me up. I just don’t know what to do.

I feel as if I only get into relationships to distract myself. People tell me that I need to work on myself before entering into a relationship but I have tried so hard to fix this part of me and it feels impossible to fix. If I’m not in a relationship, then I’m crushing on someone and making up fantasies that they love me. I don’t know how to not be in a relationship and be okay.

I’ve been dealing with this for years and I seriously feel so hopeless. The only thing stopping me from ending everything is the fact that I’m going to upset my family. To make it worse, no one in my family knows about any of the relationships I’ve been in so I constantly have to hide my hurt. I feel like I can’t be honest with my therapist because eventually she would have to tell my parents and I really don’t want that to happen. 

I feel so empty and numb from this break up and feel like crying and dying the next minute. Please, anyone who has been in a similar situation please help. I don’t have anyone to properly talk to about this so some reassurance is appreciated. Thank you.