Repost from r/therapy idk if this is allowed I just generally need help and this is somewhat related to anxiety (only thing I know for sure I have a problem with)

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There is so much that I want to vent into the void so here I am on a temporary account.

I am 14 (m) and so much just feels wrong. For as long as I can remember, I have had this huge aversion to trying foods. I have dismissed it saying that I'm just a picky eater and I'll grow out of it, but it is really affecting me. I get a huge amount of anxiety when I am asked to try a new food, and often that just ruins the food. I have a small diet which is ok at home because my parents generally help me but combine that with my celiac (no gluten) and it is hell for me to go out with friends. I have wanted to go out with friends so much and I just can't because they are like, "wanna go out for lunch/dinner" and I know I won't eat anything and I'll just feel bad. Anyways onto the other stuff.

I saw some stupid urban legend when I was 8 and it scared me, and now I literally cannot sleep without my bathroom door closed. Whenever I try to, I just can't. It's not that I prefer it, it is that if I see the open bathroom door I \*need\* to close it before turning off the lights. Another sleep related thing is if I go to sleep too early and have too much energy, I will start spiraling and thinking about how I will probably be killed in my sleep (I am in a very safe country and there is no risk), and part of that is being shot through the window (no guns) so I \*need\* to have my blinds fully closed so no potential sniper assasain (idek) can see me \[insert eye roll emoji here\].

Now onto the social anxiety/general social issues. I am unable to ask for things. Any time I ask my parents for something of value, I am so immensely afraid they will say no or they will be mad or something that I have to send it over WhatsApp. I draft it in the messages I have with myself (quite useful for quick notes tbh) and then copy it into the message box and press send and quickly close the window and do something else so the stress goes away. Also, I find it hard to say no. My parents asked me where I wanted to go, and they said places I wouldn't ever want to go for fun and I kept shrugging my shoulders. I found it hard to say no. I just couldn't say no, but I was able to affirm that my shrugs meant a no when they asked so yay? Now to the weird behavioral things. I (can't control this) overanalyze things to the point where I annoy people. I was watching The Martian with my dad and had to interject every few minutes about something I found interesting or wondered about. I realized it was annoying him so I tried to stop but I couldn't. There have also been times where my sister (we don't have a good relationship because idk but it's getting better) has gotten annoyed with me for doing things like this.

Just a misc mental thing here: whenever one of my issues comes up in my head, I immediately dismiss it as me faking it and just doing it intentionally subconciously. I also think a lot that my friends hate me. I have gotten ok at saying no to this voice but a constant doubt is really annoying and I hate it. An example of when this happens is sometimes I will be lying in bed and randomly tense up a muscle and jerk, and this got really bad to the point that chatting with people would be filled with typos because of this, but I always assume I am doing it myself deliberately.

Emotions. I do have a therapist (who is bad for reasons that will be mentioned later, also, now that I think of it, if I forget to put in any to be mentioned laters, tell me because things are slipping out of my mind rn), but we never get anything done. Whenever he asks me about an emotion or how I feel, I often just sit there, not knowing what to say. I don't often know my emotions especially when I'm in therapy. Sometimes I will say something felt good but he is always like "elaborate" when I really can't. I don't know anything beyond good and it is really annoying because he pesters me about it.

Therapist. He is terrible. He gave me some anxiety test thing in June, hasn't mentioned it, though this isn't that bad. But the minor gas lighting is where it is bad. Once he gave me this ball that had a chunk taken out of and I played with it for a week, and a couple weeks later, he blames me for it and doesn't act like he was just joking. He jokingly says that everything that breaks is my fault, and he even said something completely false that I unknitted a knitted thing (if it happened and I forgot about it that's a different issue). It's really annoying and it isn't joking because I keep telling him the truth that HE HIMSELF TOLD ME when he gave me the ball, but he doesn't believe me. I can't get rid of him because see social anxiety paragraph and also because me and my sister have useful joint sessions together and if I switch it would require her to switch to someone else at the new place I go to and I don't want to inconvenience her too much. Another thing that happened is one time when I was staring at the ceiling, I saw something weird on the AC. Basically there were these lines (kinda dark idk) that were coming out of the AC, and they curved slightly down to the exact place where a box of kleenex was blowing in the exact direction the lines were facing. It was as if I could see air and it was so weird. I tell him about it and he says that "you're going bonkers" and jokes it off. I felt like I was going crazy that day because it went away immediately and I still don't know what happened.

I also eat slow, and the therapist says I do it so I can have more attention and more time with my family which I just see as.... wrong. I want to eat faster and to say I do it so I can have more attention from my family just seems wrong to say but idk.

Anyways this was an off my chest kinda vent and I am not looking for anything in particular, I just \*needed\* to put this all somewhere.