I have really struggled with depression for most of my life, going back into my childhood to current, my mid-late 30’s

The past decade has been especially difficult for me. My wife unexpectedly leaving me has come to define what should have been some of the greatest years of my life. I have never been able to recover from this perceived betrayal, and deep loss for literally the past decade. I have tried to get out there to “move on”, but how does one do so when they are still grieving? I can’t seem to take interest in anything or anyone since I am still not over her. It’s been a decade, I think it’s safe to say my feelings are not going to just “go away”.

Professionally and financially, I am doing better than I ever imagined I could ever achieve in my life. But it doesn’t matter. Once work is over I just sit there and wait for bedtime. Sometimes I don’t even bother to turn the TV on to act like I’m doing something. I’m just sitting there waiting for my time to die. 

I have no support system whatsoever. My ONE only friend in the world hasn’t spoken to me in nearly a year from a fallout that we had. I’m being honest when I say that I no IRL human beings to talk to about this. 

I’ve been suicidal before, and I’m not there yet, as I don’t have a plan per say. But I am not far off. I REALLY desire to no longer be alive. Being awake and not at work is fucking torture. I’ve done this for a decade, I don’t see a way out.. What am I doing? Why am I still here? What the fuck am I waiting for?