Hey guys,

I hope this isn't triggering (tw self harm/suicide) and someone feels able to give advice...

I am 28 and for the last year I've been descending deeper into a depression. I have been diagnosed with BPD for 9 years so I've gone through mood cycles and depressive episodes but not for this long since the original diagnosis period. I've become extremely suicidal and I'm self harming a lot (I never fully quit, I just went from doing it every other day to a couple times a year when something happened that I still didn't feel capable of coping with... I know that's not great but that's just how it has been.

Over the last two weeks I've been off work because of depression and stress, and I told my parents and my dad sort of rolled his eyes at me. I don't know why as it's been obvious for some time and I've clearly been getting worse; I can't help but feel like if it was me in their position I would be a lot more worried. Also I wanna emphasise that I'm not the type of person that screams about committing suicide all the time, I generally get on with life quite quietly but yeah it's clearly getting worse, I'm not taking care of myself as I usually do, I'm exhausted all the time and my diet and exercise routine isn't up to scratch.

I told my dad that I was feeling suicidal. As I'm coming up to my suicide attempt/ diagnosis anniversary I feel really strongly like the progress I've made in my life hasn't really been worth it and I don't feel any different truly. I feel like I've bought extra time but I'm struggling to see how carrying on with this BS yet again is going to make anything different or better. I still feel terrible, my emotions are still intense, and I don't feel great about where I am with life. My dad really didn't take me seriously and I feel really upset, because how many times do you have to tell people and reach out before you can't reach out anymore? When something happens how can he be shocked if I told him?

Even though I had a bad experience with him I want to tell my mother, who I hope might help, but I don't want her to completely freak out with worry either. I want to tell her about the suicidal thoughts and I really want to tell her I'm self harming a lot, as I'm causing a lot of scarring again where I wasn't so much before, and I feel awful whenever I realise the impact i've made on myself after the fact. But I've always felt really awkward about telling them about the SH as it feels extremely personal, they don't understand it, it's quite gruesome to the average person and I fear they'll think I'm attention seeking. Plus I'm so much older now than I was when I first had to have this conversation with them. 

How can i talk to them in a way that is actually beneficial? How can I break my fear of confessing this to them? Any advice would be really useful. I get nervous visiting the doctor and ideally I'd like to tell a family member so they can support me if I go to the doctor or a therapist.