I am so tired of the emotional roller coaster I can’t seem to step off of. I can’t figure out how to stabilize myself, it seems to happen randomly, like a moment of clarity when I  ‘wake up’ and realize something’s not right with me. When I wake up I get happy, almost euphoric. I feel like a normal human. Everything seems clear, and life seems solvable. I like myself. I’m not sure how long this lasts for. I don’t notice when it goes away. But something always triggers me back into a downward spiral. I’m never sure what. When this happens I feel numb and can’t stop thinking about how awkward and weird and terrible I am.  I hate myself. I get so anxious and feel like everyone’s always watching me when I’m in public. When I’m in this place I lose track of my days and weeks. My memory goes to shit. According to my friend I stop taking care of myself. Apparently my lack of self care is noticeable, but not to me. The only thing that seems to help is when I take my prescribed Vyvanse for ADHD daily. When I take it it pushes me straight out of my spiral and lands me in a (what feels like) mentally stable zone. But I honestly don’t know what stable feels like so I’m really not if it makes me better, or just my ADHD. 
I was in this dark place for two months this past summer. It got so bad I stopped feeling anything but anxiety, and the overwhelming feeling that I should die. I would be at work talking to people, while in my head I pictured myself following through with it. Almost everyday during my commute I would let go of the wheel and start accelerating, testing myself to see if I could really go through with killing myself. I’d wait till the last second to put my hand back and pull my car away from the rumble strip. At night, after we closed, I would  go swim to the bottom of the lake I worked at and hold my breath, hoping I’d let myself drowned. 
Then somehow, I got out of it. I don’t know how, or when,  but something happened and I got a bit better. These days it never gets as bad as it was this summer. The lows don’t get suicidal most of the time, especially in the past two months. I never test myself anymore. 
I finally see that I have a problem. I want to get better. I didn’t realized that this wasn’t normal until a few weeks ago, when my friend told me it wasn’t. I haven’t had the courage to write this until now. I’m really scared, and at the same time extremely hopeful, because I finally realize there might be a solution, or a way to help me step off the roller coaster. Im not sure how to fix myself, so I’m starting here, asking for help. I know this is a lot, and I know it’s asking a lot, but any advice, or if you’ve been through something similar would be so incredible.