Hello, I am looking for some advice. I also am in need of a place to turn…I just don’t know what to think or how to proceed right now. 

I am a 41 year old male. I am married to 
My best friend. We have been married for 16 years. 

My mother is bipolar and manic depressive. Growing up she was in the mental ward quite a bit. She was suicidal alot, cops would come get her and she would have to go away for a while. She even escaped the ward once and showed up at home in a robe one night. It was soo great to see Mom! We would visit her and she would be heavily sedated sometimes. I didn’t care because it was my Mom. She was always and still is a loving Mom.

In my adult life, I’ve decided never to visit a counselor, therapist, psychiatrist or psychologist. I want to talk to someone but I do not trust anyone. 

At this stage of my life, I am beginning to fear that there is something wrong with me mentally and it may be ruining my marriage to the love of my life.

I’m realizing that I fear a lot of things. I’m scared of ‘what ifs’. I have a vivid picture like imagination and I can visualize pretty much anything bad. It’s tough and I have to shake it off/ out of my head when it pops up.

It’s hard for me to maintain social interactions (texting, messages, commitments, etc.) I always seem to think my way out of them. And then I feel horrible. But it is a behavior that I repeat constantly over the years and it gnaws at me.

I have thought about suicide many times over the years. At one point I kept a record of each time the thoughts came to me. But I will never do it because I of what it would do to my Mom and my love / wife/ best friend.

I could go on and on, but the worst of it all is that I am starting to suspect that I am ruining my marriage. 

You see, whenever my wife and I take a trip (she really loves traveling, even just simple weekend trips) I always manage to ruin it somehow without meaning to. For example, tonight we are on a little getaway for her birthday. She has been excited for weeks! I was too! But I was getting frustrated with our dogs (never mean or hurtful to them, just irritated that they go to the bathroom around the place and we have to chase them around vs relax together). Well, I have been too vocal in expressing my irritation, which led to her crying and calling me a selfish asshole who ‘always ruins’ our trips.

This isn’t the first time. 

I am really beginning to think there is something off about me. I tried really hard this time, but can’t seem to control how I react to simple things that other people seem to have no trouble with. 

I apologize for this lengthy post. I just don’t know who to talk to because I really don’t trust anyone. But the anonymity here makes me feel ok.

I just don’t know what to think about myself anymore. I am afraid I don’t like the person that I am.

Thanks to anyone who reads this.