I just feel like gradually over the years I’ve lost the ability to see any point to anything. It all just feels meaningless. Everything I do is just a pointless distraction and nothing is really even enjoyable for more than a fleeting few seconds.

I think it’s happened as I’ve grown up and experienced most of those things you hope for as a kid and I guess I’m just realising that none of them actually mean anything at all. 

Things like drinking, an experience that turned out to be worthless because I don’t have or really want any friends and drinking by myself just turned me into a sad alcoholic, got to the point where I was drinking at least a bottle of spirits a day all alone because I didn’t want to ever be sober again. Gave that up now and I don’t see the point in drinking ever again, although the urge to numb out still gets hard to resist sometimes. 

Having my own money is pointless too, even despite the fact that it goes mostly on bills and rent. What am I gonna do with it? Back when I was a stupid kid I used to think I’d buy all this stupid garbage I wanted like games, which I barely enjoy anymore, or whatever food I wanted, which I only enjoy for a second before I just regret even eating the extra calories and so now I just don’t bother eating food I enjoy cause it’s not worth it. Only reason I could think of to want money at this point is to build a house as far away from this shit as possible but even then, it wouldn’t actually give me any real freedom, this world still has everyone by the balls.

One of the last major hurdles I crossed was finally getting laid, pretty stupid but I guess the way people talk about it makes you think it’s gonna be some life changing experience but it isn’t at all. It’s honestly not worth the effort. Most of the time I barely even get started before I’m just fucking bored and I just want the girl I’m with to just leave so I can go back to being alone, even though that’s no better cause at my core I’m still massively lonely.

Just so many shitty experiences built up over the years, my childhood sucked, my family sucks, I’ve hated every job I’ve ever had, I hate being around people, hate being alone, only ever had one real friend and I ruined that cause I relied on her too much, fell in love with her and she didn’t feel the same way so the friendship fell apart. That was also my first and only experience with love, so another naive childhood wish that turned out to be completely fucked in reality. 

I just don’t see the point to doing anything at all really anymore. I just feel like I have a complete inability to feel any kinda pride or satisfaction from anything at all. Even had to take an employer to court earlier this year over wage theft and unfair dismissal, did so well arguing the case all by myself without any representation (a union guy was supposed to rep me but ghosted on the actual court date) that apparently I personally pissed off the millionaire who owned the company and cause him to throw a tantrum in front of his lawyer when the lawyer said they’d have to pay me. But it still didn’t make me feel anything at all. Nothing does.

I’ve just lost all my drive, all my passion. My life just feels totally bleak like all the color has been sucked out and nothing brings it back.