Ive been struggling with depression since 2018 it started to get really bad when covid started I had to finish school early. I lost everyone I thought were my friends as soon as I left they stopped talking to me it was like it was all an act. 

But despite dis despite having no one I stayed postive I started college no one wanted to talk to me I still stayed postive and foucsed on my goal of working in a nursery but I feel so far behind I got kicked out.

Dis took alot out of me but I still didnt give up I tried to do college again they denied me said da coruse wasnt for me as I failed before.

At dis point I started to feel helpless and lonely I started adding loads of people from my recommended on snap in hopes they will be my friend. 

I added an old friend from mutuals he was at da time my neighbor we went school together but we stopped talking when we started secondary school cuz we were at diffrent schools. It had been such a long time I had forgotten him. We got on so well it was like no time had passed he was so sweet but da friendship quickly turned toxic. I got feelings for him but cuz he was da only one who cared I became attached to him and poessive and conrolling if he didnt reply I would say really horrible things to him he'd say for me to stop cuz Im hurting him but I didnt know how to. 

I was then kicked from my parents house cuz I finally told da police about my dad hitting me but I didnt press charges it was just to scare him. Da next day I was given an eviction note.

I was raped in my supported housing and by mulitple other guys from dating apps cuz I was trying to move on I was trying to lose feelings for him but it only made me worse cuz he was da only guy who cared about me it just made me want him more cuz he was so kind he said we cant be together it wouldnt work dis made me mad and I said I wished he was dead. I instantly regreted it but he told me to go away and he blocked me. 

During dis I signed up for Princes Trust (they help young people with team building skills and help u get a job) my friend came back during all dis to check on me asking if I was okay I said no and I vented to him and tgen he went away again for a bit then came back he did dis for a few weeks making sure I was okay despite me being really horrible he still cared about me.

I got kicked out of Princes Trust I got bullied there I told da people there who work there about and they gave up trying to help and just said dis place isnt for me. I needed my friend again I talked to him again and he decided to stay now.

I relied on him even more now saying horrible things to him when he doesnt reply fast enough he then asked for a 2 day break cuz he felt it was too much I went mad and said he wasnt allowed cuz I needed him. 

Dis kept happening over and over till he said to me hes having suicidal thoughts I need to go and he blocked me I just wanna know if hes okay I want to help him but I cant cuz Im da soruce of all his pain. I dont know how to live with dis he was da only person who cared I love him so fucking much how do I live with all these memories of hurting him its too fucking much.