please i need to have someone listen. i cant talk about this in real life. i need help so bad

ever since this time last year, or a little before, i have been having these weird attacks where it feels like i have to k¡ll myself to make them stop. they usually happen when i get overwhelmed with thoughts. ive been having ocd symptoms for the past 5 years or so and the thoughts drive me crazy. its gotten better since i learned what ocd is, before that i thought i was just insane. i promise im a normal person. i have friends at school, i look like a normal girl, i function as a regular person, etc but at home i feel crazy a lot of the time.

the attacks come on suddenly after the ocd-like thoughts get too extreme. its like my brain shuts everything down because it cant handle the thoughts. i suddenly cant feel anything and it causes me to panic and hyperventilate, i dont do this anymore since i learned what ocd was (learning i might not be crazy) but i used to SH to make it stop. of course it didnt work but i didnt know what to do. 

the past 3 months I have been doing good and trying to stop ruminating, but the past week or two has been bad. i just had one of the attacks because my hair looked slightly different and it caused me to not feel like myself. it sounds crazy but i promise if you were my family or friends you would never know that im like this and have these problems. i havent told anyone. anyway i was freaking out cuz i felt empty and i felt like i looked like someone else so i started pulling my hair trying to make it stop but it wouldnt work. i put on my favorite siriusxm station and im feeling better now but i just want answers. why does this happen? i will see a psychiatrist when im 18 in a few months but i wont until then. im not telling anyone. please dont try to convince me otherwise, i dont want my family to think im crazy. 

there are a lot of other problems i have like extreme phobias and trauma from when i was a kid, but im not sure thats related. please just tell me what to do. i am so confused and lost. i just want these to stop