I have not been officially diagnosed but the more I learn about this disorder, the more convinced I am I have it and have had it for decades. 

When I was a child, my mind was poisoned and I was deeply conditioned to hate my mom. My parents split when I was in middle school and there began years of self-loathing and incredible shame. The truth was that I loved my mom so much, but at some point, my mind became corrupted and I could no longer accept her in my life. My family tells me (I can’t remember this) that she reached out to me to reconcile a few times, only to be met with rage and hatred. I don’t remember these specific instances, but I do remember being filled with rage everyone someone brought up my mom. She hurt our family. She tore it apart.

I now know this was not true. Truth is my dad was abusive (I do remember him being very physical with us) and a part of me now thinks he too was a victim of BPD. Growing up, he was convinced his sisters and mom were conspiring to ruin his life. I was not allowed to talk to my aunts or cousins because it meant I was betraying my dad, despite the fact that we all lived literally in the same small apartment complex.

I’m now in my mid-thirties with three kids. A few weeks ago I was listening to a podcast and in it the topic of BPD just happen to come up. I was blown away as I learned about what it looks like. I stopped what I was doing and just started listening. OMG, I thought. That sounds like me. 

I just started devouring all the literature I could about it. For me, the symptoms jump from person to person, but the underlying thoughts are, “Why don’t you love me? What did I ever do to you?” There come feelings of incredible betrayal, depression, and eventually rage. The feelings switch within seconds, sometimes micro-seconds. I feel like I’ve done everything I can to be worthy of your respect and love, and yet you still take advantage of me, abuse me. It could be over the smallest things, but the truth is they really bother me. The experiences loop in my mind for days, weeks, or years in the case of my parents’ divorce. I just can’t get them out of my mind. 

I have had horrific things happen to me in my life. Those people in my life who were supposed to take care of me, protect me, they took advantage of me. I still can’t believe that they would do that to me.

My life is the only one I’ve ever really known. I’m still learning about this phenomenon known as BPD.