I’ve given up on basically everything, I’m just sad to my core and I feel like I can’t tell anyone. I want to talk to my boyfriend about everything, or a close friend or something but I’m too scared of seeming manipulative or selfish. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings cause I know damn well that I do that enough without venting my stupid issues no one cares about. They’ve all heard enough about them. 

People always try to say that you should try to talk about what’s wrong with a loved one if you need it, if you’re depressed. But they never talk about what to do if you’re a horrible person, if you’re a piece of shit and you know that about yourself, and you know everyone thinks it about you. What do you do then? Cry to the people you love: “wah, I’m a piece of shit and I don’t treat you well enough. It’s all about me me me. I feel bad because I’m selfish, I feel bad because I hurt you, I feel bad because I’m mean.” It’s not fair to anyone if I mention, even for a second, that I feel bad about anything. Because I don’t deserve to talk about how sad I am. 

I feel so much self pity, and that is fucking ridiculous. I’m no victim of anything other than my own actions. I do not deserve to pity myself, to feel bad for me, because I victimize those around me. I’m the ex everyone hates, I’m the difficult daughter, I’m the bitch girlfriend, I’m the draining friend. I’m the person that is universally hated. And I hate me too. I hate me so fucking much you can’t imagine. 

It’s my duty to kill myself. It’s the only way I could do anything good. If I took myself out of this world, maybe I could be somewhat redeemed of everything I’ve done while here. Maybe it could be my one good decision, the one virtue I have. Everyone would mourn me I know, but it’s better to mourn than to have me ruin their lives and cause them pain time and time again until they despise me. Most of the people who have known someone with bpd certainly secretly agree that I don’t deserve to live. 

I think I’m going to do it soon. I’ll wait a while after my boyfriend leaves me so that he doesn’t have to blame himself, maybe I’ll do something to push away my mom. It won’t be hard to lose my friends. I just know that I have to end it soon, before I fuck up everyone and everything around me.