Hard days lately.  I try very hard to create the circumstances in which I could be happy but I am so tired of trying.  I can't spend time studying even though I have time because I cannot anticipate it having a meaningful impact on my future.  I am 32 and still so alone.  The people around me don't seem real.  They're just projections on the walls of an empty room.  There is no depth to our interactions because we are such different beings.  I do not understand the frames of reference they work in.  I have been isolated so long I don't resemble them.  I wish I had killed myself when I was 14 or 15 rather than sit here and wait for crumbs of happiness to filter through the world down to me.

Had a therapist but she gave up - without admitting it was she that was giving up, not me.  I only asked for help.  You would think I would have learned my lesson by now but I am still breathing even though it hurts.  Will see my Psychiatrist in Dec.  Trying to believe he will help.  He will try.  Not sure any new meds can help me.  We are running out of options.  Meds and otherwise.

Friends are all too busy.  Alone, On my own.  Again.  Like always.  Just like always.