Before is start , I don't think I have depression ( read before commenting pls) 

I am writing this here cause I need to get this out of my chest .
I am gonna split this to paragraphs which in each one I am going to be diving deeper and deeper . 

Level 1 : love / social life .
It is in the bring of collapsing . I am in my first year of college ( not the same college as you may think ,just the building with the classes and that's it ) I have 1 (you may call it) friend there and another 1-2 people I speak to from times to times . They are not the kind of people to be friends , go out , hang out etc . They have their own friends outside of college and are not interested in this kind of friendship , only to be work-friends . Outside of these people , most of my other classmates are older (like mid 20s) and are busy with work/study . Again not interested in friendships . Now it's a good time to mention that it's a private college and not public like most , so this explains the age difference and also the hours of the classes are 5-10pm , meaning I meet/can meet zero people a day since my free time falls into most people's busy time . 
My only other friend is a friend from highschool , which seems he is doing great , he has a girlfriend , his own friends from college etc . I am basically completely depended on him to meet new people . I once heard he is in a groupchat with his classmates about finding (partners) which I am so jealous of cause my life/college is nothing like that . As you can understand I have no social/love life and probably wont have until at least I am 22 , I also have absolutely no confidence in myself to  go out by myself and try. (I dont regret choosing this college whatsoever , but I do sometimes wish I was in other peoples shoes) .

Level 2: background 
I was always chubby but ill say things changed a lot at 15-16 . In those 2 years I got myself ruining 2 "potential" relationship with 2 people I liked (1 of them was my forever crush) to the point that we haven't spoken since. I also lost almost all my friends twice (2 different friend groups) in those 2 years time . 1 because we drifted apart as people with different interests , and the other I was left out after (1 year of highschool) they all found "better" friends (it was like I was their rebound friend till they meet all the new people in highschool). Until the end of highschool I would see these people thriving , being in relationships , going out and having fun while I was there at the back of the class/locked in my room alone. So you can tell the affects this had in my Psychology.
It was then I suddenly broke my arm , went from chubby to obese obese (110+ kg) and covid also started . Another affect it had was losing completely my confidence , my will to go out my house and my will to continue study . It was here when I started seeing a psychologist until the summer before going to college. Basically I would self sabotage myself by extreme anxiety (lost a bit of hair) , my guts hurting when going out , and the worst ... Literally wanting to constantly go to the bathroom whenever I was out . It was impossible to be social like that. I would get panic attacks just by being outside of my comfort zone.
Thankfully , nowadays  am down 35+ kg (almost to normal and still going) , I don't sabotage myself (most of the times) but I still have less than zero confidence something we will talk about in stage 3. 
(For some of you I may seem extreme. My reactions/emotions being extreme and overreacting but a lot of other things I can't talk about here play a role in all of this) .

Stage 3: Nothing really matters
Nothing I talked about before matters right here , right now . Those 2 previous paragraphs are only half me , my outside me , my 2face . 
(I never dared to talk about what's next with my psychiatrist) 
I have thought about it a lot since I was like 14 . I don't see the point in anything . I Am going to un*live myself one day . I don't know when but I know this is how it is going to end. I just kind find happiness in anything , since I was a little kid whenever I was to wish for something , either in my birthday or seeing falling star , I would wish for happiness . But I can't find it . Nothing makes me trully happy . If you were to give me 1 million or 1 billion dollars ... I'll still be not happy . I would still be alone and have zero goals in life .If you told me I would get a stable job and have a family , still I wouldn't be happy and it wouldn't be good for those people as well.  Life is all about having goals , hitting those achievements or challenges like a video game , cause otherwise we wouldn't strive for anything . I always wanted a girlfriend , but I always reassured myself that I am not that kind of person ... The person who deserves happiness . I would probably be happy the first few days and afterwards get immediately bored . I have seen the same thing happen over and over and over again . I can't find any single reason to live (Other than I don't want my parents to go through something like this) . I want to see how my life is going to play out ... Like a movie . ( I am studying film directing ) . When things get hard ... I am going to un*live myself .  When the climax hits ... This movie is going to end . Unless I do find happiness and things roll out just find . The writer has made their decision. I am the protagonist in my own life , my own movie , I have not been told what the script is , only to play myself and when the time comes it all ends .
 So until this happens I have promised I would try to live like a normal person . ( That's what the first 2 paragraphs are for) .

I honestly don't know if I am going to make it to 30. 

This is a burner account .