i also have adhd. unless the anxiety was giving me concentration issues, hyperfixations to the point where i havent been able to stop thinking about teen wolf for a solid year, and executive dysfunction somehow, then i also have adhd. i know my mom doesn’t believe me because the only examples she sees of it are 5-7 year old kids (she’s a teacher,) but i do.

i caught onto the adhd first last year. my mom didn’t believe me, and although i was pretty sure i also had anxiety i didnt tell her because i was scared she wouldn’t believe me about that too. i literally didnt tell her for an entire year. it might’ve been because every time i had an anxiety tangent my family would think i was crazy, but i just didn’t think my mom would believe me.

fastforward to today i get too bored because my sister (14) keeps asking me questions about dinosaurs i don’t know the answer to. she gets mad that i won’t listen to her and then i feel bad. really bad. i start bargaining, and then i start overanalyzing, and i apologize over and over, and i get self righteous about it, and then i get mad at myself because i realize i dug the exact same hole i’ve dug myself into a million times before. i hate myself for it.

my mom comes home and i start ranting about how there HAS to be something wrong with me because what kind of rational person thinks like this and digs themselves into holes and forces everyone else to deal with it, and then my mom says she thinks i have anxiety.

it felt like kind of a kick in the ass to hear that. on one hand she told me that before, on the other hand i convinced myself there’s no way she would believe me. so i was just kinda dumbfounded. 

i’m tired. i’m kind of awful and i feel like i’ll never stop thinking like this, i feel like i can’t look myself in the mirror sometimes because i just see all of the stupid shit i say and i can’t stop thinking about it. it’s impossible to take myself seriously. i feel like i’m way too much because of my adhd and because i’m me and i hate myself for it. i’m always spiraling. it’s fucking exhausting. i’m so fucking tired.

my sister did say something that kinda helped afterwards, like when i was apologizing for being an irrational self centered dumbass she said “you literally can’t help it, shut up.” that helped. i guess thinking about it as something out of my control helps.

i just hate it and i want it to go away.