its been a while since i last used reddit to vent but i really need to let this out. i think i've lost all hope of recovering from what has become my life. everything's so hard, i am going through a depressive episode right now. i feel like shit. this last year was very rough, quarantine hit, i coursed my last year of  highschool, became 18, i am currently trying to get my driver's licence, n i am also starting uni in a couple of months. i am not ready for all of this, and of course, my mind cant stand it either.

things with my partner are trash too. i get mad over literally anything he does. we argue everyday. i get jealous everyday. i've been to therapy for four years, and just when i thought i was recovering from depression my life becomes a complete mess. i just want to run away and die. i dont want to start uni, as my partner will meet someone else and leave me. this might be a typical mindset but i am so sure it will happen eventually. i've always been the loner type, always had one or two friends, so i feel hatred towards people my age. i envy them. i just want to be happy. my whole family is worried over us since they know how much i suffer because of this relationship. i dont know what to do either. my therapyst is helping, at a low pace though.

my mom thinks im just lazy so she's putting even more weight on me by forcing me to do every chore in the house, she keeps telling me i must get my driver's licence as soon as possible too.

everything i feel is so painful, and it keeps me away from being happy for more than just a couple of hours. its awful to know that tomorrow will be a bad day too, and that i cant do nothing about it. i really dont mind it if my boyfriend finds out about this post, i hate to admit it but i've been using selfharm as a coping mechanism increasingly often than before. i know that things can get worse, i just want to have control over my life and feelings. i dont want him to break up with me. i dont want him finding someone else. he's my whole life by now, we have been dating for a year and even if it's not that much time i give him everything i have, so if he were to leave me, i wouldnt be able to stand the void he would leave me with.