
A few months ago, I was diagnosed with autism and ADHD. At around the same time I had growing family pressure and relationship pressure to be present and communicating. I went abroad to help my sister out with looking after her children. My sister was working a lot as a doctor and I was looking after my niece and nephews. I had to cancel medical appointments and therapy appointments to arrange this, and at first I felt fine. To reschedule those appointments, I had to wait 6 months so I had to go a long time without support. In terms of my relationship too, my boyfriend is a bit codependent (we’re working on it) and starting to suffer with his mental health as I couldn’t speak as much as he wanted me to.

A few weeks into my visit I had to go home for an assessment for financial support for my disabilities. I have a neurological condition and a device I have in my body because of it had been malfunctioning &amp; affecting my daily life. I live with my mother and my other sister who works (and therefore couldn’t be the one to fly abroad and help my eldest sister out). My family said that my niece needed a room of her own so I had to give up my bedroom, sharing instead with my mother. I am 24 now but until I turned 21 I didn’t have my own bedroom at home, which caused a lot of issues with my strict mother. When I had to now share a bedroom with my mother again, I relapsed into my eating disorder as she commented on my weight and my eating around the clock. Usually I go into my room to ground myself when this happens.

My exams came around and I asked if I could have my room for just the exam period so that I could study. My family got aggravated and told me that it wasn’t feasible as my niece doesn’t want to be around my mother too much. I understood so I started leaving the house to study. My mother doesn’t allow us to move out before marriage due to culture so moving out wasn’t an option. My niece got horribly depressed in the house if someone didn’t go out with her at least once a day so I would come home early to take her exploring around my city. I started to get considerable difficulty with my mobility due to my neurological condition at this time and I also felt so socially exhausted. My autism means that I can’t keep up with being around people too much as it’s a whole performance, a whole process to seem normal. I almost had an autistic meltdown every day but I started smoking to calm my nerves.

One day my niece wanted to buy books for herself and my sister (not her mother but my other sister) and despite the fact that I barely had money at this point I bought them for her. My niece had been baking that sister treats she loves and I had begun feeling insignificant. My niece is 17 and our age difference isn’t huge so I just rationalised it by telling myself she just sees me as an older sister. This whole trip that day my niece was very quick to disagree with me or argue at me about issues like my slow walking making us miss the train or that she wanted to go to another place than what we had planned. My autism also means that I struggle with spontaneity but I planned the routes and grounded myself. My niece wanted to go to a cinema so we grabbed some sushi and went there. While there, I went out of the fire exit instead of the door to the bathroom by accident so I had to walk around the building to the main entrance which took about 5 minutes. My niece was furious with me for leaving her in the cinema alone. I saw they were selling drinks too so I got myself two cocktails to calm myself and to ease the pain of my bad leg from my device messing with my spine. As I hadn’t eaten my food yet or drank in a long time, I got drunk. I tried to sober up by finally eating my food but it didn’t work.

After the movie, I asked my niece if we could go to the McDonald’s across the road but my niece was so furious about me taking so long to return to the movie that she said no. I lied and said my stomach was hurting and my niece said she absolutely didn’t want to go to the McDonald’s. I asked her to wait for me outside of it. When I got my food, I wanted to eat it quickly to make sure I didn’t lose control. I regretted everything and almost cried. Someone pushed past me and I dramatically fell and dropped my food, which wouldn’t happen if I had balance. At this point my niece asked me if I was on drugs or something. She also said that she didn’t trust me to take us home so she asked my other sister to pick us up in her car. In the car, my niece was really annoyed at me so when I got home I went straight to sleep.

My sisters told me that I exposed a child to something they should’ve never been exposed to, and I agree. I am so terribly ashamed and horrified that I ruined her trust in me that way. I kept thinking that I was doing good as an aunt by giving up my room and my study time to take her out but ultimately I ruined it all by drinking. My legs felt amazing when I drank and I felt so talkative too, but my niece didn’t want me to be talkative and I didn’t need to sacrifice her sense of security to be able to walk pain free or be a way nobody asked me to. It was better if I had an autistic meltdown or was awkwardly quiet because that’s not something that creates trauma in a child.

After this happened, I had to fly back to my eldest sisters house (without my niece, as she wanted to stay at my mother’s for a bit longer) again to help out with the kids. I could tell she wasn’t happy with me and it made me horribly depressed. I wanted to go home to study and to recover my mental health but she didn’t think I should be around her daughter until her daughter processed it all. Plus, if I went home I would still have to share my mother’s room.

By the time I returned home eventually, I couldn’t walk properly at all but I refused to turn to alcohol to help that. I didn’t even want to touch any because of the turmoil I put my family through. After that return home, my eldest sister needed me to fly my niece back so I couldn’t study at all because flying around was so stressful esp in these circumstances. After I returned her, I stayed a week. My sister in this time assumed I was a drunk and would routinely check my bags to make sure I didn’t have alcohol. I felt humiliated but I understood she just wanted to be sure. I have two nephews I had to take care of and she didn’t want to risk me drinking. After a week I decided to go home. At home, I had my own bedroom again and immediately felt a sigh of relief. I’ve been stable since but tonight I keep having horrible flashbacks to it all and feeling immense unbearable guilt. My sister didn’t want me to return again because being drunk around your niece is disgusting because that’s a child who needs security and reassurance that it’ll all be okay.

My family discuss it all with me often, without me bringing it up. I try to tell them it’s all raw and I don’t wanna bring it up but that falls on deaf ears.

I don’t know how to sleep tonight when I just want to disappear and go back in time. I was wondering if anyone could reassure me so I could calm my nerves enough to sleep