First of all, hi, i’m not diagnosed with BPD but I’ve been thinking I might have it for a few years, I hope it’s ok to ask for advice here, if not I’ll delete the post. Sorry for the formatting and bad english.

The situation is that I used to be best friends with 2 girls. One of them i’ve known since i was 8, the other since i was 11. When I was 17, i started feeling paranoid that they didn’t love me anymore, that they were going to leave me and they liked each other better than me. I told them things like their lives would have been better if I was never born and I had never met them and that they didn’t really love me. They got mad at me, blocked me and stopped talking to me. Since then, one of them has apologised, and we started talking again. She explained that the reason she left was that when I said she didn’t love me, she felt unappreciated and annoyed that I didn’t believe in her. I understand that, and I forgive her. But I honestly still hate my other friend. Ok I know I’m annoying, but why the fuck would you abandon me WHILE I’m telling you that I want to kill myself because I think you’re going to leave? This friend also hates me/mostly ignores me, but sometimes I hear from someone that she’s talking shit about me. She doesn’t think she did anything wrong, and has also done other unrelated things I don’t agree with morally. Point is, I really hate her, and I really honestly think she’s not a good person, even unrelated to what she did to me.
When the first friend apologised to me, she was still friends with the other one. As time passed, I started being more and more annoyed with this. I didn’t understand how friend 1 can say she loves me, and still hang around someone who treated me like that. I cried almost every day because even if i reminded friend 1 of what happened, even if I pointed out things she said to me, or did, she just agreed that it was fucked up but wouldn’t stop talking to her.
Anyways. Now they’re dating. I explained to friend 1 that there was no way I could keep being her friend knowing that. She said she knew, but she wanted to tell me the truth. I pointed out the things she did to me but she didn’t care. I pointed out all the borderline racist and problematic things she has done, she didn’t care. At least this time I only cried once and didn’t humiliate myself so that’s progress lmao.

I don’t know if it’s ok for me to use these terms. But if I had to describe her place in my life, I would say she was my FP. I thought of her like a platonic soulmate. I would have given up the rest of my relationships for her. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. And now i realise I was not the most important person for her, and I don’t know what to do. 
(cw: violent/homicidal/suicidal thoughts)
Every day I wake up and I don’t know what I’m gonna feel. Sometimes I’m surprisingly ok, and the thought barely bothers me, but I can’t relax because I know it’s not gonna last long. Some days I’m so angry I can’t even move or get out of bed or do schoolwork. Some times I hate her and I spend hours thinking fucked up thoughts, like planning both their murders in my head (no I’m not planning to kill anyone in real life).  Then I feel guilty, or I think they’re not even worth going to jail for. Or that I couldn’t murder them, because I find them so repulsive I couldn’t even touch them or look at them, even if it’s to hurt them. Or I miss her so much my whole body hurts. And I feel guilty that I ruined everything back when we were still friends, and that I decided to leave her now when I could just be mature and accept their relationship. I don’t even know if I’m right to be upset. I don’t know if it’s fair to ask someone to leave one of their friends because she hurt me. I don’t know if I’m the problem. Sometimes I think if she decided to date someone like that, she doesn’t even deserve to be with me. I need to be better than both of them, happier and more successful and then I’ll be happy. I should text her back and ruin their relationship, seduce her and then tell her I don’t love her like that. Make them suffer like I did. Or grow up and ignore them, delete every single photo I have of them, forget who they are and slap myself every time I think of them to condition myself to forget. I think about killing myself because I don’t want to live my life if she’s not in it. Then I get angry and think that if anyone deserves to die it’s them. In our last messages she said she would always be there for me. We didn’t exactly fight. The last thing she asked was if I was ok because she worries about me, and I replied I’m not gonna kill myself if that’s why she was worried. I know I could text her right now and we could go back to being friends. But it’s so humiliating knowing she loves the person I hate most in the world more than me. I think maybe if I made an effort to be funnier and more likeable she would have picked me instead. I don’t even know if I love her anymore. I just want to feel happy and loved and normal. I don’t want to hurt anyone. But I feel like I’m gonna think about them for the rest of my life. I can distract myself but I don’t know how to get over it. I don’t think I’ll ever love anyone as much as I loved her. I don’t want to go to a therapist. It’s too humiliating to talk about, and I don’t have money. I have a zoloft prescription for social anxiety but I haven’t been taking it because ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ who knows. I’m trying to tell myself it’s ok to feel whatever I’m feeling and to not feel guilty too much but then I feel guilty about that because I think I’m SUPPOSED to feel guilty for all the violent thoughts I have. I don’t know how to feel normal. I don’t know how to get over anything that has ever happened to me.  I don’t know how to explain my feelings properly, even in this post. How can I get over all of this? Is it even possibile to do it by myself?