A few months ago I truly felt it was the end for me, as I realized that I would never be good enough for anyone. I am the type of person where if it's your birthday, I'll call you at midnight. I will then show up at your doorstep with a million balloons, cake, and a present that likely cost more than I should have spent on you. I do this I because enjoy seeing people be happy, and knowing that at least someone cares for them. I genuinely believe my purpose in life is to make others smile. I would want the same for myself, but, this of course is never reciprocated, and it hasn't bothered me until recently. I don't know if I should hate others or myself, but it makes me feel like I have no reason to be here. My last resort was possibly getting a pet to preoccupy my mind. So, I adopted a puppy pomeranian. Those around me were not fond of the idea because they believed I do not have the time nor am I capable of taking care of anyone but myself, just because of my "episodes" I have often. Having my dog has helped in the sense that I am distracted and not preoccupied with my awful thoughts 24/7. The last few weeks have been tough for me because I see everyone traveling with their friends and planning trips and posting and it hurts. I make quite enough money, I wouldn't mind paying for someone to go with me on a trip. But, every time I try to plan they always either change plans or forget about it. I could never travel by myself, as that would be a recipe for disaster. The kind of suicidal thoughts and tendencies I would have is not worth it. I have felt so low that on impulse, I randomly decided to get *another* dog today. Now was handling one troublesome enough? Sure. But it's only been a few hours with my additional dog and I feel........okay. They help when it comes to my thoughts and feelings. I hope that I can one day be at peace with never being anyone's favorite, best, or number one.