My husband and I are getting a divorce. It’s been almost a year since I first posted here and in the NPD sub. I first suspected there was something wrong in our marriage about a year ago, and I started seeing a therapist where I learned about complex PTSD. She said I probably had a lot of those things from my parents in my childhood, and I’ve just picked up habits and partners that were similar since. We talked about the wheel of power and violence, and I noticed so much emotional and psychological manipulation from him. Ironically, I noticed that I was even at fault for some manipulating and controlling behavior. After a full-blown psychotic break, an inpatient stay, a separation, getting back together, another separation, we now each have lawyers and are getting divorced. I’ve never dealt with something this troublesome in my entire life. I just keep thinking, I did this. It’s all my fault. And I’m so confused because at one point I wanted this. Hell, I even had a protection order against him at one point. So why am I so desperate? Why have I almost called him four times begging for his forgiveness and to say sorry? The only thing preventing me is that I don’t want to Hoover, I know about those tactics and I don’t want to start this cycle with him all over again. If anything, I guess I am trying to save him from any more heartbreak. Meanwhile I am just over here having panic attacks every night out of the fear of being alone. I miss him so much, or at least I miss the feeling of being loved. I had no idea what I was giving up. And now, I just want to give up.