Hi everyone,

I have this thing where if i am having a particular low in my life, i start to think allot about hurting myself. But not in the cutting or burning way, but as in trying to get myself in psychosis, or attempting suicide. I think as a final goal to be forced into hospital. The thing however is, i do not actually want to die or am really trying to. I know however that if things are to go more wrong in my life then they are now, i probably will try suicide. And i know that if i were to try, i would definitely succeed.

Its some sort of weird thing where else it does not justify how i feel, i need it to be out there. If i just FEEL bad, i seem to think that that does not count. Because i would have to "act" those feelings out, by a suicide attempt or going crazy for a while i suppose, before it "counts" for me.

I have never really seen myself as someone who is hooked on attention at all, the opposite rather. I hate talking about how i feel with anyone i hold dear because i do not want to share it with them or burden or worry them. So on one hand i do not want people to worry to the max, but on the other hand i desperately do. 

Do more people recognize this inner conflict of on one hand not wanting ANYONE to know how you "truly" feel, while at the same time wanting EVERYONE to know. It really confuses me. Maybe i just want to force myself to be cared for for once in my life, without stopping everyone from doing so by lying about how i feel.

I have read allot about people with BPD being attention craving and only doing things like suicide attempts and warning people they will hurt themselves for attention. I have never thought about myself like that at all, but now i am really starting to doubt myself. What if i am more alike with those types of people then i thought? And what if i am indeed craving for attention from others, without even realizing it?

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Does anyone else recognize this?