I don’t have a specific ask, just some kind of support.

I’m doing very well in terms of my life from the outside—a graduate student at a great program for what I study, with excellent health insurance. I ostensibly have friends who care about me. Hell, I even am in the middle of re-entering therapy and seeing a psychiatrist.

But I feel so, so, so bad. I’ve struggled with generalized anxiety, interpersonal anxiety (I say that only to differentiate from social anxiety—I can talk to people but my anxiety triggers involve people I’m already close to), and depression since puberty, and as my anxiety has become increasingly well-managed, depression has flooded in. Right now I’m in one of the worst depressive episodes I think I’ve ever had. All the classic depression symptoms—low energy but also insomnia, no real interest in doing anything, generally a brain fog feeling—but the worst has been intense negative self-talk. Nearly every day there are long periods where my internal monologue is not just intensely self-loathing, but it runs away on me. All the CBT I’ve had fails. I just spiral. Lately, I’ve had recurrent episodes of strong suicidal ideation: no plans, or attempts, but a scary couple hours where I’ll ruminate about it, wanting it. The most recent spiral was yesterday. To first reassure everyone: I’ve had one friend, in both episodes I’ve had, who I’ve felt comfortable going to, who I have that rapport with. Even so, it’s a troubling sign of my depression deteriorating.

I’m seeing a psychiatrist, and I started with a new therapist last week, with another appointment this week. I’ve already alerted my psychiatrist about the bad episode last night to be safe, and of course will with my therapist. Despite “doing everything right,” and being privileged enough that I have the professional supports to turn to, I feel so alone anyway. It’s almost a feeling that these professionals are the *only* ones who I can talk to about this stuff honestly, that really, all my friends—who are to varying degrees neurodivergent—cannot handle what I’m dealing with. I feel like they have way more important things to deal with than me, that I’m not worth their support, that they might even be offended or uncomfortable with me turning to them. One friend of mine, who also suffers from depression and knew about my mental health struggles, largely with anxiety, but who I haven’t really told about my current bad bout of depression, was so gracious and caring when I finally shared that I was in a bad place. He became another confidant. He actually semi-doted on me for a few days earlier this past week, which helped a lot. Words of affirmation mean a lot to me, and having his care expressed helped—especially since he’s really my only friend I have where I live now apart from my roommate, (alap a close friend, but with whom I struggle communicating about my mental health). But of course, life rhythms go back to usual. In a case like his, for instance, I’m so afraid of sharing again that I’m having a bad day. He has so much other shit to do, and even though he understands suicidality and knows me better than that, I’m afraid sharing that—even though it’s honest—will be manipulative, or pulling an emotional trump card. The same is true of all my friends.

But it’s not just that aspect of what I’m going through. I just generally feel so incredibly isolated. I feel like I’m constantly failing to be a good friend. I feel unloved and un-cared-for, and then feel guilty that I feel that way, because I know it’s not true on a rational level, but I still feel it. I feel like I’ve failed to successfully connect with people on so many fronts. None of my friends know how badly I hate myself and I’m terrified to let them in. I don’t just feel unloved, but unlovable. I feel like asking for love and care makes me pathetic, self-centered, maybe manipulative, pitiable. I have such terribly low self-esteem and body image, I feel embarrassed. I hate my weight and how I look and how I behave with other people. I feel like I’ll never have the love I want to share with people—friend wise, romantically, sexually. I’m non-binary, and have had so much trouble with my professors misgendering me. I’m in my mid-20s now, my hair thinning, and I’m fat. I take pills for the hair loss and am working so desperately hard to lose weight and try to be a good person psychologically, because I know nobody will love me if I don’t change all these things. I’m also gay, and my experience with guys has been so few. I don’t know. I’m sorry. I’m working so hard but it’s too difficult feeling like I’m doing this alone. I don’t know how to let anyone in without feeling like I’m taking up too much space, since I feel like I’m already doing that by existing. 

I don’t know. I’m sorry. I’m physically safe, and I’m getting help “the right way,” but I’m not doing well anyway, and I’m convinced no one will care, and even if they did, that any way I try and tell them will be bad and wrong and cancel it all out. I’m convinced until so many things about me change, I won’t ever feel loved, because I don’t deserve it.

I’m sorry to post like this. I just feel strung out and don’t know what else to do while I sit around waiting for professional help to start really working while I have 6 million things I’m already behind on at the beginning of the semester because I’m so depressed.