i don't think I've been this upset in a while in all honesty. i think my entire being just hurts. 
thinking has become very hard for me. even when I'm not in one of my mental lows, i find I'm having a hard time thinking about even basic things, specifically memories. i feel like all of my memories have been blocked from my brain, whether they be good ones or bad ones. a small spark will ignite my memory and as soon as it comes it goes, and i can't grasp it again no matter what. the effort it takes to bring one of these memories to surface again is so exhausting and I try not to think about anything I've been through because it makes me so tired i have a hard time keeping my eyes open.
i can't even remember most of what happened last year. i can't remember a lick of my childhood besides two vivid points in my life, and then I remember bits and pieces of my trauma. 
i walk around most of my days with my mind completely blank. I've heard somewhere that that isn't possible but when I have my earbuds in and I'm staring at a point on the wall it sure feels like my head isn't working anymore. 
this is nowhere near as well written as I would have liked it to be. which, speaking of, is another one of my issues. 
i used to be able to write so well. and tonight I went to go write a poem to express the fact I can't think and lo and behold, i couldn't think deeply enough to come up with the next line. it's all bothering me so much. 
these past two weeks have been awful as well. I'm hitting a very hard hitting mental low and I haven't had one this bad in quite some time, and there wasn't anything to trigger it. if anything I should be happy; I'm getting the future I want. everything i have worked so hard for is finally coming into place right in front of my eyes and all I want to do is lay in my bed with my throbbing headache and cry tears that refuse to come for long. 
i really just wish i knew what my issue was. at least if i knew there could be some problem solving involved.