Every time I start to make actual progress I somehow manage to fuck it all up. I'm honestly in awe of my ability to do it so amazingly out of nowhere over absolutely nothing. I keep following this loop where as soon as I start to make social progress and form actual bonds, I find some legitimate feeling reason to cut everyone off and isolate. Still no job. Can't keep any hobbies for more than a few days. Would like to die but don't want to kill myself, meds are working too well now. Can't even recognise myself in a mirror. Quality of life nil. Inability to make my own life. Having the structural ability to have hobbies, keep social bonds, so that I can develop an actual identity, and have some kind of foundation to approach the world, would be nice.