English is not my first language so there may be some errors-sorry

So I(18F) am currently attending college and living with my parents.

I have suffered from depression, due to bullying in middle school. And I believe that Ive moved on. But sometimes, it just comes back to me. I can’t look people in the eyes and I get anxious when I see someone looking like my bully.-it gets hard to breathe and my heart beats faster. I haven’t had any medical help because the country I live in is very conservative- may be problematic if I have medical records about depression issues. 

But the real problem is my parents. 
When I was getting bullied at middle school, I’ve told my parents, crying, that I was having a hard time and that I really wanted to stay home, just for a day. Because P.E time was too hard for me to stand, being all alone while the kids were all whispering and looking at me. But my parents would yell and scold me for being ‘weak’ and ‘inattentive to my studies’. My dad would yell and beat me if I cried and said anything about not going to school. My mom would say ‘go ahead’ if I told her that I wanted to kill myself.

I know that I wasn’t the perfect daughter but I still look back and think that my parents were really a horrible parent to me.

I put that time all behind me now-I think my mind doesn’t want to go back and think about my traumatic events. The memories are really blurry at this point. But sometimes my parents would bring it up and be like ‘wasn’t I right all along? If you didn’t go to school, you would’ve been a dropout loser’ and it just hurts a lot to hear that because I had to stay in bathrooms stalls every recess or lunchtime and I would cry every day at night wishing tomorrow would never come. But they would say it like it was nothing.

And I remember that my parent’s relationship was rocky too at that time. My dad was an inattentive person (still kinda is) to the family, and my mom would use me as her emotional vent-asking me whether she should divorce or not, crying harder and telling me that she’s having a hard time too when I cried and told her about my problems. 
 Now their relationship is okay, but it just angers me when mom tries to justify my dad as a ‘good father’ or when she says that she’s not like my grandparents (my grandparents-which would be my mom’s parents- have a pretty fcked up relationship with my mom). To me, mom and dad gave me scars, deeper than the actual bullying.

I don’t believe in love- I don’t think I’ll marry, or have kids since I already experienced my parents. And truthfully, I even don’t know if I love my parents.

I’m not suicidal like in middle school, but I feel like I wouldn’t care if I die today. Everything just feels meaningless, dull.