Well that was pretty stupid. Or was it? 

Close call, in a way, not in an arrogant way in saying that, or my beliefs are correct and you're wrong, but my journey into belief almost came to a complete stop. Came at the hands of spending time on one of those Christian subreddit things. Open discussion for all things Christianity related so athiests and agnostics and theists and Satanists and seventh day Adventists and Jehovahs witnesses and....anyone was welcome to post something or comment. Wasn't very civil at times either. A lot of the time. 

I guess it was bound to happen, come across information that denounces Christ and the existence of God. Obviously not something that I'm unaware of, people don't believe Jesus is who he said he was and God doesn't exist. But spending about a month and a half in that community was pretty much like snorting a line of doubt and questioning straight to my brain. No slow trickle of doubts and questioning, not a little jab here and there, just a flood of second guessing. God certainly started fading away in my mind, Christ as well, the night that brought me into belief and the strange things that have happened also quickly became nothing. Pretty stupid to do that to myself not sure why I'm such an idiot sometimes but it was bound to happen - extreme doubt. 

It had to be exponentially easier to step into the path of becoming a believer when the internet wasn't avaliable. Build your faith without a whole lot of conflicting information around. I'm actually 100% certain of that, was easier. I could've just not done that but being the Curious George that I am, went right into the lions den "Oh Geroge, you so silly. Why did you snort that line of doubt and questioning?" I dunno. Seemed like the intelligent thing to do. But perhaps the hardest stuff to read was from the ex-Christians. Decades of involvement within the church. If anyone would know that Christianity is a bunch of nonesense it would be those folks. Yea that sucked. Spending time in that place. That online community. 

One of the other discouraging posts I came across was that you can only hear God speak through scriptures. I'm not wanting to ever hear a voice in my head, ever, been through enough inside that place. Nice. Let's add this to my resume - I'm hearing voices inside my head. Noooo thank you. But people claim to have heard God speak to them. Some people hear God speak in other ways. And then yea others say that God only speaks through scriptures. I don't like that opinion, God only speaks through the Bible, mostly because of how I came into initial belief and also that I'm still having a hard time with the Bible. It doesn't seem like God is speaking to me, the words still seem as if man wrote them and are were not written by God, inspired writings. 

The author C.S. Lewis was quoted as saying something along the lines of how he was dragged kicking and screaming into the Kingdom of God. And it came to be that he didn't want to believe, but found himself later that he did. Pretty much where I'm at. If I come to fully believe that Jesus was the Son of God it won't be from brainwashing. I'm fighting this tooth and nail. 

A very high percentage of this adventure hasn't been fun. I'm envious of people who came to belief and pretty much overnight thier lives were enriched. Hasn't been the case for me. But I guess everyone's brain and walk is different and perhaps there's a reason everything has played out this way. Almost Curious George'd my way out of belief. Fun times.