then i tell her "you're completely different depending on who you're around" to which she says "that is NOT true" and i said "yes it is, and it should be no surprise that im the same way \[because of being raised by her\]" and she says "im nice to EVERYONE, unless theyre NASTY to me".  so i guess that's what i am.  nasty, an asshole, etc etc.   she knows im mtf trans, and she claims to accept me for it, but i know in her heart she doesnt see me as a woman, because people dont call women assholes. they call them bitches.  if she hated me but still saw me as a woman, she'd call me a bitch, not an ass.  ironically, an ass is all i am, because that's all i can be compared to a cis woman, without surgery anyway, if you get my meaning.      


i lose my temper around her for petty reasons. i have no right to be mad when she doesn't bother to look at whether the food she buys for me is vegan or not, since she's buying food for me.  but half the time she tries and half the time she doesnt.  so if she's going to try, why doesnt she take an extra two seconds to see if something is vegan on the ingredients. buys me cookies after buying me a muffin that WAS vegan, but the cookies, while saying gluten free on the front, which i also try to be, which is why she bought them, were made with milk and eggs.  so i was irritated at that, but too irritated to get my emotions out without offending her, so instead of voicing my irritation and getting it out, i kept it inside and let it ruin my mood--which brings us to her saying "you were nice yesterday, why cant you be nice today".    


my dad leaves for the cabin with his brother without saying goodbye to me (because i was upstairs in my room, and he said i usually dont like being bothered, which isnt true, i haven't been that way for months), literally the same day as my grandpa's (my moms dad's) funeral.   i already feel abandoned when people leave the house and i dont know where they are, but to do that the same day as mom losing her dad.  then my mom told him cuz i told her, so he calls and apologizes to me, i write because i didnt want to pick up the phone (anxiety) and instead of texting back he calls again, so i feel more obligation to answer.  and more anxiety.  ugh.     


in other words, i cant really expect people to cater to my mental struggles.  and if i tell them how it really is, then they'll think i need more help and faster improvement than i have currently.   so it feels like punishment to tell them how i really feel because i dont trust their responses to be fair to me.  it isn't care if it isn't care, they think what they think is best for me is best without caring how it makes me feel.