So I’ve always had anxiety, hypochondria and OCD specifically, since as long as I can remember. It wasn’t until my recent work with my therapist that we have seemed to form some kind of connection between my hypochondria and why I am be feeling that way. 

My brother has a super rare genetic illness of the eyes that has been driving him slowly towards blindness since he was 16. He’s 29 now and his initial diagnosis said he would be lucky to see past 20. He’s 10 years older than me and through some genetic testing my family found that I had about a 40-50% chance of also being diagnosed with it (it usually shows around 16) since I was the older other male in the line (apparently it only affects males I’m no gene therapist so I’m not sure why). 

But regardless I just turned 20 now and I have no signs -knock on wood- of the illness. But my whole life I’ve been SO afraid of illness, with my eyes, ears, brain, etc. That has been completely debilitating. But everyday I live with this awkward guilt of sorts where I am confused how and why I can be healthy. I mean my brother is going blind and every single thing on the news just shows how many different things can go wrong. 

I’ve had this terrible headache today of course the news keeps showing “child with surprise brain cancer gets medflighted into surgery and is now paralyzed after what parents described as ‘an awkward headache’ and it’s like fuck. Now I’ve been sitting here in pain trying to figure out how I’m going to get my affairs into order before that happens to me. And it’s just painful. I’ve been doing so good. Going to therapy, working out, getting my school work done, raising a puppy and it just seems like the perfect time for God to punish me with a stroke or brain cancer or whatever else. 

My therapist has sort of pinpointed these feelings are related to a survivors guilt of sorts like why am I not the one going blind or the child with cancer or the anything else. It just seems like it’s a matter of time. 

I’m sorry for my rant of sorts I just really want some advice. It’s been almost 5 months since I’ve had a panic attack and even longer since I’ve needed to take my Ativan or Xanax and I just feel like I’m right about there right now. Just need some support or a hug. I don’t want to have brain cancer