Don't know If i want to go to college, don't know if i want to do anything. I've been obsessing over getting a job but it's more of a "I need to show my parents I'm not a dead weight" thing. 
I don't know what my real personality is. I don't know what my sexuality is. I barely get out of bed and everytime I talk to someone it feels like I'm being forced to and I always come off as rude.
I don't want to have to live anymore but I can't kms because I don't want to hurt my parents, who have already suffered too much because of family deaths.

So I'm just stuck in this insufferable state where I'm basically dead but I have to pretend not to be everyday. And it hurts. I want it to stop. I hope I get really sick and don't recover.