I am on my deathbed does anybody else have these two combinations it sucks ass I can’t even smoke to relieve my anxiety and i know it will just keep making me throw up over n over but constantly I can’t eat I can’t smell things sometimes I hallucinate smells from bad/good memories then that food is no longer safe I’m sweating but freezing I’m also crying with massive headaches wanting to call my ex and cry about it but he’s abusive he won’t care just miss when he did and I need to stop thinking that aswell because it just makes me throw up more I’m just sitting here drenched in sweat in bed dry heaving fading in and out of consciousness times like these make me want to cry for my mom the fact that I have nobody who cares about me enough to check on me enough to sit with me enough to rub my back or even listen to me cry and the fact that if I keep on smoking I’ll just have more vomiting episodes more often so I really have to live life raw dogging bpd how do normal people just go on everyday with their lives SOBER? Sober? The fact I have to work for the rest of my life hurts cause In all honesty all I want is another person who makes me feel whole which is so bad it’s all I ever want I never do anything for me I definitely want to but it’s excruciatingly exhausting every single thing is so painful it’s ridiculous and pathetic. Times like these make me also realize I need to pull myself together because the fact that I know and understand withdrawal for my own self feels like (even though it is just OVER WEED.)  it makes me realize a lot about myheroin addicted family and how I sympathize in a sense because if this is how any of them felt probably multiplied times ten bc it’s heroin i would’ve just taken my life in all seriousness I’m glad weed is the only “drug.” I’ve ever really done I feel so wimpy like wow now I’m forced to get on antidepressants and etc. even tho i didn’t want to because I was scared I’ll definetly kilmyself getting off of them I wanted to take a natural route at healing myself but even that too WAS TAKEN FROM ME or I’m just cursed moms dead dads dead sisters dead and i get sick smoking weed like what’s the point of even continuing being human.