TW: talk of death/dying

I would just like to start by saying that I am not suicidal. The opposite actually. I’m so afraid of death it sometimes consumes all of my thoughts. Last night it took me forever to fall asleep because I couldn’t stop thinking shoot it. 

It’s not necessarily the “act” (don’t know what to call it) of dying, but the finality of it. Like that’s just it. We don’t know for sure what happens after. You just cease to exist anymore. THAT’S what scares me. I don’t want to go. 

I am a relatively healthy 29 yo with no reason to be thinking about dying. Like yeah it could happen at any time (also what scares me) but in theory I still have a long time to live. 

What happens, like last night, I started thinking about the future and then I realized that means I’ll be older and then it leads to dying and not knowing what comes after, if anything. 

Awhile ago I brought up my “fear” of death to my therapist and she asked me what I was afraid of. I felt weird saying everything I just typed so I just said what I thought was normal. Like not leaving enough money for my family and things like that. I am not worried about that at all. So I have never really addressed it. 

I don’t know what I was looking to get from this post. Validation that this isn’t weird? Do others get this heavy in their thoughts about death or dying? Advice on how to cope or stop these thoughts from happening?