I have written this post and deleted it several times. But for the fifth time this week, I’m sitting here shaking, close to going into a rage, crying, and fighting really hard with radical acceptance. Radical Acceptance and I have never really gotten along very well. This might be a bit long so please bear with me. 

So I was diagnosed at 37 years old, after my three kids were already 9, 8 and 6 and my marriage of over 10 years was rocky. Being diagnosed saved my marriage, but the damage was already done to my kids. I try really hard not to beat myself up for things I had no control over before I knew I had BPD, but my youngest, my baby, dead from an overdose at 27 years old, and my oldest two dealing with mental illness, it’s hard not to see where I layed the ground work. Yes, I went into therapy as soon as I found out and yes, my husband and I got them therapy as soon as we could, but the damage was done by then. I’ll be 61 this year, so I guess I’m a BPD veteran at this point and I can tell you it does get better, easier. Maybe because by this time I no longer have the energy for the emotional extremes most of the time, maybe because after this long using DBT skills, they’ve gotten to be second nature.  And a good thing because despite the pain and on going grief over the loss of my son, as you can probably tell from my user name, I’m still here, still functioning and am actually doing better than some of the other parents in my grief support groups. I put that down to DBT and living a life where I expect things to go to shit, so when they do, I just keep going. 

 I still have trouble with some things and I’m hoping someone has some ideas. 

While I have always been considered “high functioning” I do somehow manage to fit all 9 criteria in some way, shape or form. The worst, for me at least, is the black and white thinking and splitting.  A few of my earlier doctors figured out that 8 years of Catholic school during the 60’s and 70’s formed my ideas of right and wrong. It was during a time, at least in my school, where there was a heavy emphasis on Catholic social justice and if you know anything about the 60’s you probably have a pretty good idea of what was drummed into my head. To most people I come across sounding like a Marxist, but really, it’s just the way I was taught to interpret the Gospels. And so my problem with black and white thinking. 

To be sure, I did have a strong sense of right and wrong when it came to people and a scrupulous concept of sin - both my own and everyone else’s. Thanks to DBT and the fact that I no longer believe in ‘sin’,  I’ve gotten so much better about not judging people.  Oh there are some issues that will make me walk away from someone in a heart beat, but that’s more personal preference than BPD. 

My problem is that I will decide AN ENTIRE GROUP of people is bad and that will be it!!!! Oh, did I mention that once I split, I’m done? Once I decide you’re bad, you can walk on water and change that water into wine and I still will hate you. On the other side, once I think you’re good, I will jump through hoops to rationalize away any ‘bad’ thing you do. It’s taken me over 30 years of marriage to look at my husband and call him and asshole, without hating him. If he screwed up in the past, I blamed myself, the kids, the army, his friends, anyone but him. The day I got made at him and called him an ass, we were both shocked and actually ended up celebrating. It was that much of a milestone for me. 

So that brings me to now. Starting from when I was a kid, about 8 or 9 years old, I starting splitting groups, along with individuals. Again, once I decided that a group was bad, nothing they did after that could make me change my mind. Christ himself could come down and say they were good people and I’d be like “you can keep them”.  So with the whole Covid-19 thing, especially the protests, I’m in a constant state of rage. I have a niece who is a paramedic in NYC, so I get daily updates (I’m in NC) from her, and, not pictures of people or anything, but pictures that prove to me that this shit is real. Then I have to deal with people who are saying it’s fake, or not a big deal, or the deaths won’t matter because they won’t be that many. I don’t know how splitting is for y’all, but I feel a deep hatred and rage. After years of not breaking anything, or being able to control my anger, I’m having to pace and use all my old tricks to keep from going into a rage. I have an 8 year old granddaughter living with us and she has never seen the rage that her mom and uncles grew up watching. My daughter is so proud and grateful to me for that. But every day, as this stupidity goes on, I’m coming closer to losing it. So, how, how, do I practice Radical Acceptance? What is the trick that lets me say I can’t tilt this windmill and I need to right away(one of my therapists called me Don Quixote)? I’m trying to limit social media and the news sources, but then boredom with drive me back. Or my beloved husband ,who really is a good guy, will be watching one of his conspiracy theory videos and I happen to hear some stupidity coming from his office. Oh, did I mention my husband is mentally ill as well? I don’ take responsibility for that - that’s on the Army - he’s a disable combat vet, so he has PTSD and physical problems. Okay, maybe I contributed to the PTSD, but I think the Army really put it over the top. 

Anyway, sorry for the novella. Maybe today I’ll hit post instead of the X. Just writing this out helped a lot, but I really need some new ideas on how to walk away from things I can’t change or control. Thank you so much for reading this far. Even if you have no advice, just having someone listen helps. Right now my therapist, my husband and my kids are so tired of my ranting that I really needed a new outlet.