Hi. Like the title says, I (20F Korean-Canadian) have severe work anxiety. To give you some background info to understand my situation a bit better: 

I moved to London, UK, at the beginning of this year for work. I graduated culinary school in Baking and Pastry Arts, got recruited by a famous 5 star hotel company, and moved to London at 19 alone. In the beginning I was excited. But as soon as I moved there things were very difficult for me. Turns out the UK is more different from Canada than I expected. I was culture shocked and formed agoraphobia. 
I worked for around 2.5 months and then this pandemic hit, so I was in lockdown/quarantine for 5 months. All alone in my one room. I guess that’s where my fear started growing. I constantly thought about my skills and how I worked. I always felt like I was the only one that lacked skill in both baking and in being social and active at work. I never got to become close with my colleagues because of the short time, but also because I am very introverted. Everyone in the kitchen seemed so professional, passionate, and friendly with each other except me because I’m very new. I constantly compared myself to them. I felt left out the more I thought of it, not because of them, but because I felt alienated. Like (literally) I was really a foreigner. I’m the only asian person and also the youngest, everyone else is older than me by 10+ years, so the cultural and generational gap felt so big. I was alone in the world with no family nor friends to come back home to after a hard day. I was so homesick. 

So because of all this, I basically spent my whole time in lockdown torturing myself and my mental health by thinking of all the things I lack, the things people at work would say/said to me that probably meant nothing but I overthought, I would think that everyone hates working with me because I just suck, and most importantly thinking about what the main executive chef thinks of me. If you know anything about the food industry, you would know it’s one of the most stressful and pressuring type of work for all physical, mental, and emotional health. Because of these self deprecating thoughts, I thought I was going crazy. I cried everyday and night. 

Then later on, the chef called me and said I would have to come back in for reopening work soon. I had a major anxiety attack thinking of going back to work and being in that pressuring situation again. 
The day of the reopening came and I was at work. I could feel my brain going haywire. I went to work for a week during reopening and I cried every morning and night going and coming from work. I dreaded going to work and I was so stressed and anxious constantly that at one point I threw up near the time I was supposed to close. I left early that day and just sat in the train and started bawling my eyes out without a care if there were other passengers or not. I finally decided to get help. I talked to my doctor, got diagnosed with GAD, depression, and OCD. I called my mom to tell her what happened and she immediately said to take a holiday and come back home. I decided to contact the main chef while crying and he said to take a couple days thinking of what I want to do. I got a doctors note saying I am not suitable for work and to take 12 weeks off. So I did and also booked my holidays, and came back home to Canada. 

Presently, today is my last day here in Canada. I was supposed to return to London December 23rd, because that’s when my holiday ends. But no. The hotel management contacted me and told me I need to be in for work on Christmas. I told them I would be returning the 23rd, and will have to quarantine for two weeks when I arrive. They said I can’t and need to be at work for Christmas, so to rebook my flights so I can go back to London, quarantine, and be at work on Christmas. I was so shocked because I already got approval for my holidays before I came here, and they all know that we need to quarantine when we come back. I already dreaded going back to London because I was so happy finally after long days of mental exhaustion from work, seeing my family and friends and stress free. But when they said I need to come back ASAP I felt my heart literally shatter. Told my mom about it and started to cry and rebooked my tickets. Even as Im writing this post, I am anxious thinking that today is the last day and I will be on the plane back to work tomorrow. 

You may be thinking, if it’s that bad then just quit. But for me, quitting is something I don’t want to do. I was the one who begged my parents to let me go and I am the one on this career path. This hotel is a very well known name in this industry and can get me anywhere and more opportunities in the future. My pride is too high and also I don’t want to disappoint my parents because they told me to just bare for the last year (my contract for work is two years), which I do agree on. 
I just think that if I have some less working time, I will be able to manage myself better. Which is why I’m thinking if I should ask to reduce my hours in half, instead of working full time everyday. But I also don’t want my pay to change because I don’t want my parents to find out I am working less after taking 12 weeks off from work, and also I would not be able to afford rent. But at the same time I’m not sure if it would change because my contract and payment states I am receiving money salary wise, not hourly. Does that mean no matter how little or how long I work, I still get paid the same? All these thoughts are in my head and I don’t know what to do. I want to go half hours but if the pay is less then I would have to continue full time. But then I would not be able to manage my mental health. 

I really feel alone in this because nobody around me my age is working, and are having fun with each other in university, partying, eating out, having money from their rich parents. It makes me feel as if I am alone dealing with “adulthood” while my friends can, obviously not relax (because I know uni is also hell), but can at least be here with each other :(  

This was long, thank you so much for those who read until the end. Please let me know what you think I should do.