I didn't hold to my three months of getting to know this guy and jumped into bed with him after one month. My sex drive and wanting to escape my life and just feel good when everything else is shit just got the better of me.

Now I'm dealing with jealousy and fear that he will cheat (somewhat realistic given my experience and learning more about him). I'm getting urges to want to interrogate and control him, find out what he's really up to. This sucks. I hate feeling like this.

At first I was really high that he was into me, cuddling, touching and sex was awesome. I couldn't get him out of my head, couldn't wait to see him. I spent sat evening through this morning with him and by last nite I wanted downtime. I feel both sick of him, but I feel like I can't let go because once I'm away from him I'll lose him. 

The high is gone, already! Usually the lust phase lasts longer and I'm not sure why it passed so quickly. The emptiness is back, I feel shitty about my life, the debt, the illness, the unemployment, living in a studio with my dad sleeping on the couch. It just feels pathetic. I feel like a hopeless pile of trash.

He often mentions that he doesn't want drama or complications in his life, his only desire is stability and a normal life. I totally understand that, we're the same age and I feel similarly. I don't think I could take on someone messed up like me.

This puts me in a bad dynamic. I've been letting out the details of my life little by little, I can see him noting and kinda having a let's see how this goes attitude. It's the right attitude, but I fear that he will ultimately leave. I think that may be part of why I'm pulling back now.

He did say that before he dated he didn't put much effort into it because he didn't feel like working at it. I learned a bit about his prior relationship and realized he had a lot of anxiety and inadequacy around sexual performance. I think that held him back from seriously dating. I actually helped him a lot with his anxiety so I think he's starting to gain confidence. With that confidence I fear he will find someone "better". It eats at me that I wind up dating guys with low self esteem like me and then I put a lot of time and investment into them to help put them at ease and make them feel better, not only do I not get the same in return, but they find they want to chase other attractive women and leave me behind. I just don't want to deal with another guy who hasn't lived his life and gotten over that phase.

I get hurt that I bend over backwards to be accepting and caring, because I get it, I can understand what that feels like, yet they in return take a big steaming dump on me.

Basically so much fits with him, more than anyone else. He wants a long term commitment. He's close to my age. He enjoys cuddling, he enjoys exploring and hiking like I do, he's kinda laid back, he's thoughtful (though not to the degree I am). He was in almost a ten year relationship like me and didn't cheat (he said it didnt occur to him, he made it sound like he found somone and was ready to settle down. But i wonder how much his feelings of inaedequancy played a role.) He enjoys sex, though he had some panic attacks and had to stop, he's becoming more at ease (this scares me the most, because he had this concept that it would take a long time to become comfortable with somome and within about three days I got him pretty comfortable with me, so I figure he'll realize that it will be the same with others and decide to seize lost opportunities). I don't cheat and I lose interest in others, but he gets distracted easily by attractive women. When we were gazing into each other's eyes I saw him notice someone else and that just killed me inside and lead me to doubt him. I've never done that, my long term ex never did that to me, sure he checked out women, but not in the middle of gazing at me like he had deep feelings for me. He's consistent and stable, unlike me he doesn't have an addictive personality.

I'm basically just hurting a lot right now. Old wounds are acting up and I fear new ones. I've hit bottom in my life and the last thing I need is another guy to take a shit on me, cheat and leave me. I don't know if I can live though that right now. I'm struggling just to survive in general I'm afraid this relationship will bomb and do me in.