My boyfriend of almost 4 years moved to college again (this is our third year, met in high school but go to different colleges). Every year it hurts but this year I’m a complete wreck. I’m convinced that he’ll somehow move on this time. 

He’s at a new school this year where he’ll finally be able to make good friends and experiences as I have been the past two years. But all this time all he’s been doing is compromising for me. Being in an open relationship because I asked him to and me pushing those boundaries regardless of how much he sacrifices. I am not a good person, I know that. I know he loves me and vice versa but I’m so afraid that he’ll realize that I’m no good and move on. Either that or he’ll realize that the connections he makes are better than me. 

I don’t understand why I can’t just be happy for him. This is exactly what he needs right now, a new school and new friends. When he was at home all day and I was working or going out, I barely called him but now that he’s busy and immersed in the new environment, I need him. 

I feel like I really need him right now. I literally have no friends anymore and I feel like I don’t know how to make friends anymore. He won’t talk to me as much now (with good reason and I should just be happy for him) but I’m falling the fuck apart. I’m a manager at my job and I’ve spent the last three days crying in the bathroom. 

I haven’t been eating or smoking which are literally my coping mechanisms because I’m too anxious to. 

I talked to him about all this and he reassured me but I can’t stop thinking about what-ifs. I don’t even know what I need to make myself feel better.