I have not been officially diagnosed with bpd, but my therapist said I definitely have the traits. I’m waiting on a diagnosis from my psychiatrist. 

I had a really tumultuous relationship with a man who i believe was a narcissist. He made me feel very validated and wanted when he felt like it, other times he’d ignore me for hours or days until i exploded with anxiety thinking he was ghosting me, or worse, dead. When i told him i legitimately fear that something bad is happening when he doesn’t respond, he told me i was ridiculous. But that’s how i felt. He became my Fp really fast, and everything he did and said affected me like crazy.

I was so scared that he’d leave me that i tried to leave him multiple times but could never stay away because living without him was so painful. He’d ignore me for days when that would happen and I’d turn to drugs and alcohol to cope. He told me he wouldn’t leave me, but he didn’t want to be exclusive. He lied to me about sleeping with other people and I knew he was lying, so i went through his phone. I immediately regretted it and he said it was good that i felt bad about doing it because most girls wouldn’t.


A lot of his reactions conditioned me to feel shameful about my feelings, and things ended when i reached out to his ex girlfriend about his behavior. She told me a lot of things that confirmed he was a narcissistic manipulator and in our shared anger we plotted to mess with him. He didn’t understand what was going on so i admitted that i talked to her out of shame. That was the last straw for him. He said some mean things but we eventually ended the phone call agreeing to move on from each other amicably. 

The next day he texted me that he spoke with his ex and that i was the worst person he’d ever met and that even the ex thought i was a disaster. Then he blocked me on everything so i couldn’t respond. I feel like I’m traumatized by the relationship.

I’ve been obsessed with trying to fix things since then. I beat myself up about it everyday. I tell myself it’s all my fault and try to contact him any way i can. If he answers he’s extremely mean. A month ago he answered and yelled at me for who knows how long telling me he never cared about me and only used me for sex and that our situation would never compare to his relationship with his ex, that i had ruined his plan to reach out to her again.

All of these things have stuck with me and i feel like they’re burned into my brain. I think that if i apologize enough and take all the blame he’ll forgive me, but he doesn’t. He yelled at me again today saying he’d get a restraining order if i didn’t stop contacting him. I feel like such a waste of a human being. When he hung up on me it took everything in me to not call him back and threaten suicide. I tried to soothe myself by pinching but i cried for 2 hours straight. 

Can anyone else relate to this disaster at all? I feel like I’ve completely lost my mind and don’t know who i am anymore and find myself dissociating when i think about him or if any other small thing stresses me out. Living in my head is exhausting