im not sure what’s happened to be over the last few years but i just….need someone to please tell me whats up, it’s 7 am and i cant go back to sleep and i am having the worst panic attack of my life right now

2019 was an awful year. i got diagnosed with adhd and was put on adderall and it was great for like the first week, but then progressively worse and worse until i became super paranoid….like it took some of my depressing thoughts and ramped it up by 1000x (nitpicky about some of my insecurities, thinking everyone hates me because i wasnt a certain way, insane jealousy, believing i had no purpose because i couldnt meet bullshit standards i couldnt give less fucks for and that i was better off dead)

i was also SUPER energetic, always going out and constantly dragging my poor friends out and just could not be at home at all (very unlike me since i was always introverted as a kid), agitated super easily, obsessed with getting attention, etc etc basically like text book symptoms of med induced mania that i never even realized became mania 

this was the majority of my 2019, super reckless and just Not good and almost ended up with a suicide attempt until i finally stopped taking that medication 

the beginning of 2021 was a good year for me. i think during that time, i had gotten out of him a horrid depressive episode in 2020 after discovering a HUGE hyperfixation….like HUGE…….i became obsessed with this particular series, collectively researched and theorized and became an active member of the fandom. it was such a fun time, i discovered that i REALLY enjoyed writing for these characters and wrote excessively and drew excessively whenever i wasnt focused on my schoolwork. this is after i havent written and drawn in YEARS after being busy and very depressed with school and life and constantly feeling empty 

to me, that had always seemed like a normal adhd fixation (more intense than not since it’s been a while) but the creative energy and happiness that it brought me was really something else. it was like rekindling with my love for art again, like i had found meaning in my life again

fast forward to now, the fixation slowly died and i ended up with the most horrific depressive episode and i practically couldn’t even pick up my pencil or even open my word document 

on top of that, i either dropped or failed most of my courses and did nothing but excessively read other books and shows and either extremely anxious or extremely depressed

and then for the longest time, i became depressed. like physically could not feel pleasure, constant state of disassociation, no libido, no thoughts, nothing. i was a shell of who i was. the funny thing is that i didn’t even take any ssri’s but from this description, it seems like this is exactly what the ssri experience is like(?) 

self medicated with some edibles until that started making me anxious, so i stopped a month ago and just drank instead 

and then also started to experiencing intense brain zaps despite never being medicated with ssri’s, random urges to write everything again and then just not doing it, became super social because i was so bored in the house, had randomly picked out like 5 different hobbies i wanted to do and then never doing them, cant focus on anything anymore, just a huge and lost MESS

either slept 14 hours a day and was crushed with so much depression that staring at the wall was the best entertainment or was woken up with INTENSE panic after 3 hours of sleep and desperately distracting myself throughout the day until bed time again

lately, though, NOTHING seems to be good enough to distract me and i find very bad and destructive intrusive thoughts that i never cared for coming back to me again 

i dont know what to do, i cant focus on anything right now……it’s like being in the state of constant energy and anxiety so you have to do something or talk to people in order to distract yourself from bad thoughts, but when you aren’t, bad thoughts just randomly occur and now i’m pacing around my kitchen and crying for 2 hours because everything that i love and used to distract myself with gives me absolutely no pleasure, can stay calm enough to even pick up a book or a video game because im so energetic and anxious and need SOMETHING to fill this void right now but i dont know what it is haha 

im stuck in the house because of winter break, im scared for myself i dont think i can be alone right now but my only close friend is with her family and my mom and dad are gone and im scared im really scared idk what to do

im anxious going out for some reason, i feel stuck, i dont know

i took some of my old Ativan pills and that helped with my physical symptoms but my thoughts are still racing and i just feel extremely depressed again and pls help idk whats wrong with my brain 

should I go to the hospital? does anyone know what’s wrong with me please this is not like me at all

I just wanna play games, i just wanna chill and sleep and just relax but i cant because nothing satifies me anymore and im worried I’m scared haha