Not sure where to go from here. About 3 years ago, I had a pretty major breakdown that last 6 months (panic attacks daily). During that time, I tried so hard to talk to a few friends to try and "figure it out". In my mind, I was trying to be considerate of their own mental health, but I somehow still ended up pushing too hard with my best friend at the time.  


The relationship between me and that person spent the last 2-3 years on life support and has finally died this week. I am absolutely heartbroken. Honestly, I don't think the friendship was as important to them as it was to me. And it sucks. I always knew it was heading in this direction and I have tried to let go in the past, but I wasn't sure how and I still don't.

  
I have spent the last 3 years highly depressed (and pretty suicidal) and I still get a panic attack every day if not multiple. I have been going to see therapists and a psychiatrist for the last 2+ years (I like both of my current ones), but none of the treatments seem to have done much. I have periods where I exercise and try to eat well, but again, not much luck there. I have tried talking it out with certain people in the past, but I feel as though a lot of these people don't really want to have anything to do with me since my depression has been going about for that long.  


At the moment, I feel as though I don't really have any real friends I can talk to about this. I am feeling extremely lost, confused, and frustrated as life doesn't make much sense. I miss my friend and I don't think that'll ever go away. I feel defective in how I process the world around me. I'm not the most social person, but I tend to make an effort when I meet someone new. But lately, I just feel as though I can't connect with anyone on any level (and I've tried so hard to).  


It feels as though things won't get better. I'm not sure how to bring on meaningful change to make it happen. Haven't felt much hope in the last year, but I am feeling all out of it at the moment. I'm, not sure what to do and it terrifies me.