Sorry I’ve been trying so hard to control myself but when I get angry it seems like I cannot stop. 

I had an argument and then I walked away and then I went back and started yelling. Then I started staying I would kill him and he was like do it so I pulled a knife and I really wanted to do it but I was scared to do it. But I was more scared because I wanted to do it, and I wanted to kill myself after it too. 
He told me to stop so I ran outside to think and breath after kicking stuff and I now am less angry and just sad and feel sorry but this has been not getting much better and I’m devastated