Had my first therapy appointment today. It's that initial consultation getting you in finding all your information out kind of appointment. But I felt really good about my therapist. But we just briefly talked about some of the things I'm currently experiencing a dealing with as well as some of the previous traumas in my life. Filled out a couple of her forms and received a secondary diagnosis of PTSD. Which almost feels like a no-brainer, as it seems most individuals with BPD also have a secondary diagnosis of PTSD. I then went and looked at the house that I'm supposed to house sit until March while I try to get my s*** together so I can afford my own place. The house is lovely in the country on 55 Acres. So essentially space to heal. I then came home feeling really disorganized in my mind. And decided that I was going to tell my children today about the divorce. So I called the family meeting, including my husband who didn't know that I was telling them today, I didn't prepare him for that, and I told my children about the divorce, without going into details about the seriousness of my mental illness, and that I was moving out next month. It seemed to go better than I anticipated. Except again I realize the reason my family is broken is because of my mental illness and my neglect to get help sooner. My husband is trying really hard to be kind and friendly because he sees the amount of pain I am in and we are trying to remain friends for our kids. But I don't know how to process him being kind. Logically I understand why, but emotionally I'm having a hard time differentiating between my friend and my husband. Later this evening I took a shower and just felt overwhelming emotions and proceeded to engage in self-harm as I dissociated. Cutting to be exact. I don't think I've engagrd in cutting behaviors in 18 years. But it was so amazing to feel it. I literally calm down and my whole body got chills, but like the good kind. My whole body feels relaxed. The cuts sting but at the same time feel amazing. I think I'm just realizing how long of a road to recovery I have. This is been one of the worst weeks of my life I've engaged in so many behavior is I have not done any over 10 years and this most recent one over 18 years. But it's like my mind is getting lost in all of this emotions as I decide to be better and get help. I of course feel somewhat guilty about cutting but at the same time I don't. I can't wait to have the necessary skill set that become second nature so I can stop engaging in negative behaviors.