
I really need some help with my perception of reality with my favorite person right now. She's been off the grid all day and I'm getting really anxious and losing my grip, my stability, I'm drowning in my insecurities. Lately I have two distinct states and I don't know which is reality.


When I'm good I'm sooooo good. This state isn't always when I'm getting her attention but it is more often than not. Sometimes I'm able to self soothe myself into this state. In this state I'm whole, safe, content. I love myself and I love my favorite person and that's all I need. I'm not in love with her, she's just my person and that feels right to say. Girlfriend doesn't sound right but my person or even my soulmate does. I know she loves me and she needs me. I want her to be happy no matter what, even if I'm not always the one to do it. I don't need a relationship with anyone to be whole and I don't really want one with her. She doesn't have some qualities I really value in a relationship and I want the full package. Sexual intimacy doesn't feel right with her in this state either. It's like thinking about kissing your sister. I just think of her hugging me and holding me and I feel safe and loved and it's enough, I'm enough. I can keep going forward in my life and healing and maybe someday find someone to fall in love with.


When I'm bad though? It's hell. I'm dissociating. I'm lost in a sea of turbulent emotion with no way out. I think about her with someone else and I feel my soul shattering, my heart tearing apart. I'm assaulted with graphic sexual images of her with someone else. I feel abandoned, replaced, neglected, not good enough, worthless. I wonder if she's with him and I think of how much better he must be than me for her to want him like she doesn't want me. I feel ugly and disgusting. I loathe myself. I feel like she deserves so much more. I feel empty and broken. Like this pain will never stop. I wonder if I am in love with her and my entire other state is just designed to protect me from this pain of being rejected by this person I love so much.


I just doubt so much what is real. Am I really in love with her or not? Is this what love is supposed to be like? I don't know what's real but it hurts like hell.