Hopefully this doesn’t count as asking for a diagnosis, because really, I just want to know if this sounds familiar to anyone. I’m going to try to make this as short as possible so that you don’t have to read 27 paragraphs!😅 (I failed so thanks to anyone who actually takes the time to read this)

(I am lucky to have a wonderful family, and the things below have nothing to do with any kind of mistreatment on their side.)

For as long as I can remember I’ve felt extremely… misplaced. Up to the age of about 7 it was presented as wanting to be a “wild kid”. No, I’m not kidding. I legitimately wanted to leave home and go live in a tree with monkeys, because I hated living with “the humans”.

Around age 8 is when it began to shift. I really wanted to run away from home. Not to be a “wild kid”, but to get away from everything about being a normal person. The urge to leave would be so bad at times that I’d have physical pain from it. I’d make complete plans for what I’d do and where I’d go. I’d pack everything I would need. One time specifically, I literally set an alarm for 4 in the morning, got all my bags, and opened my window. That’s how close I was to leaving. (The only reason I stayed is because I didn’t want to hurt my mom’s feelings🥲)

At around 12 is when things got even worse. I hated everything about being a person. I had no issues with my body. I just hated existing in society. I developed relatively severe depression.

Since then, I’ve done everything in my power to try to feel like I belong. I’ve tried lucid dreaming and I also got into the reality shifting for a little bit. After both of these failed I developed maladaptive daydreaming (an extreme addiction to daydreaming to the point where it interferes with daily life).

I’m now learning to drive and it has sent me into full panic attacks just to think about it, because for my entire life I’ve been afraid of functioning in society and now I’m getting so close to adulthood. I just don’t know… the closest thing I can compare it to is dysphoria without the gender aspect. It would be awesome to find a box that I fit into, and to stop feeling like a one of a kind.