Society wants to stigmatize mental health, we all know. But also I feel like there may be a stigma on recovery. 

Im in recovery for self harm, an eating disorder, depression. I have been doing the best I ever have. I married the girl of my dreams this year. I started a tattoo apprenticeship. My family is doing great. Everything is falling perfectly into place. And there isnt a single damn thing going wrong, other than my continuous slip and fall and stand and stumble road to actually functioning and managing my mental health. 

I went off my meds back in February. Long story short; Five years of constant med changes, withdrawals, adjustments, side effects... led to more harm than good. Honestly I'm better off without them. I have a great support system, and I'm in therapy. 

On Facebook and Instagram and twitter it's all memes, which are super cool, and an endless flow of inspirational and optimistic quotes. You tell everyone you're doing the best you can. You make jokes. And most of the time, you are doing well. But as we all know, there are times when it gets dark and scary. 

Like when you just get so overcome with emotion you dont know what to do other than scream, or cry, panic. It can be the slightest thing. But it feels so monumental in that moment that all past behaviors or bad coping skills suddenly appear in the forefront of your mind..

I'm used to it by now. Used to it. But sick of it. Sick of years and years of trying to crawl out of this. Everyone wants to paint recovery as this bright and colorful and beautiful journey. And it is. But it's also sprinting down a dark path trying to escape your childhood nightmare. Its lying awake wondering why you've gotten drunk three nights in a row for no reason. It's missing your addictions. Its hating the pain, but finding comfort in it.

Sometimes I feel like when everything starts to run smoothly, there is an inevitable downfall. I blame my brain. Curse my imbalanced chemicals. But really I think it's just self destruction. Being afraid to recover sometimes... afraid to let go of the pain and the darkness. It party feels like a piece of my identity. It also feels comfortable. I've lived in it for so fucking long that it's almost scary to find my way out. It's that pessimistic mindset that when things go right they eventually, naturally, go horribly, horribly wrong.

What social media doesnt show you is how you get flashbacks. Flashbacks to your sickest moments. Half of me looks back and thinks, "Wow, I really have come a long way." And the other half thinks, "Damn, I miss that. I miss that release. I miss that rush of chemicals and endorphins and the high of running on fumes."

Nobody wants to admit, openly, how ugly recovery is. How ugly mental illness is. It's not just crying in your room and prescription bottles and pouring out your heart to a counselor. 

Its crying for no reason. Panic attacks out of nowhere. Struggling, grapsing at anything that can give you the relief your past addictions gave you. Its your family, spouse, friends, coworkers, all showing genuine concern and you being so wrapped up in your shit that you deny everything.

It's not showering for a week. Getting so wasted you puke your guts out. Disassociating while you drive and wondering how you got to your destination. Feeling crazy because.. everyone just tells you to get over it. But you cant. You've been trying to since you were young and all that's led to is you feeling like a failure. A disappointment. 

And most of all, wondering why the hell you were dealt these cards to begin with. I spent years being angry because I have to live with this. Sometimes, I still get angry. When I'm at my awesome job that isnt stressful at all, feeling like a piece of shit because in my depressive episode I forgot to do one of my daily tasks and then being afraid I'm going to get fired. Or wondering where my depressive episode even came from when there is no apparent cause.

Everyone wants to know why, right? Why you're so depressed. Why you cant calm down. Why you cant dat. Why you cant stop drinking.. nobody wants to admit that it's your brain. That it's your chemicals. That's they're all fucked up. Maybe if the whole world just recognized mental illness and addiction as legitimate illness instead of something you can just will your way out of, then maybe people wouldnt feel so fucking alone.

Anyway this is my drunk ramblings bye lol
