Since I was a kid i usually felt by mid day an incredibly anxiety ,a void that weights under my lungs , and I would ask myself in fear “why am I here?how did I ended up here?what do I need to do get rid of this ?” A question that would always be followed by the conclusion that i needed to somehow run away from my city and then after imagining my self in that situation (a kid that has to survive in the streets without getting caught ) thinking that it would be easier if died and shutting down for minutes or hours,A LOT has happened but I always feel like the universe puts me in situations that require my brain to act that way, I became aware of that last year when I ran away from my “”foster home””(it was a state owned place for troubled teens ,here in Italy we call them “comunità “)and while under a lot of stress I recognized this pattern and it struck me how I switch from fighting for a change and for improvement to complete hopelessness, the hopelessness that  gets more  justified by the passing of time,especially when you feel like you have tried everything but your shitty life is unmovable .
Now when I ask myself why am I still here I respond with visions of an awesome future where I study hard in university and where I’m in love with someone that understands me and meets my needs and with new friends and surrounded by a nice art and music scene,I dream of a life that is in my control ,a life that makes me feel safe ,a future where I’m not automatically doubting about my circumstances ,but no one has promised to me that my suffering and hard work will ever be paid back , heck it probably will not ,but then again this is the only shot I have and I must try ,the reason why I’m writing this is because I need an opinion on living this way,almost escaping mentally from my reality , I guess I just need someone to send hope…