Does anyone else ever wish their BPD wasn't quiet? Do you ever wish you could just get it all out like people with more "traditional" BPD do? I'm really struggling in therapy lately because I just can't access my true emotions in therapy. I can't begin to process them or heal my trauma because I can't feel it. Sure, I can talk about it but there's a block. It's almost like I'm talking about someone else because all of those feelings aren't there in therapy. I'm mostly blank and I feel fake and like I just can't be who I really am inside. Like I'm buried underneath this numb emptiness and all that's on the exterior are the "acceptable" parts of me. I just want to rant and rave and rage and cry and say every negative thought in my head to someone and I want that to be ok but I can't. Not with my therapist, not with anyone. I want someone to see all the ugliness inside and stay. I want to do my best to push them away and for them to see that all the good inside me, that I show on the outside, is worth it. I'm afraid to show any of it because I don't want to acknowledge it. That's not who I want to be so I'm not with anyone else. I want to be the person that's learned and grown so much and gotten so much better but that bitter, angry, hateful, pissed off, desperate, lonely, sad, pathetic, needy, and hurt person is still in there and I don't want to see it and I don't want anyone else to see it either. I don't want to acknowledge he still exists because that means I still have so far to go and it means I can't have people who love me. It means I can't date or have a relationship. It means I'm not ready or able to live the life I want. It means I can't be myself because we don't live in a world where anyone would accept that part of me. How can I be that person and let anyone see it? At the same time how can I ever be close to anyone without letting them see all of me? On top of that if I can't even show all that to a therapist how can I ever get better or learn how to cope, heal, and express it in ways that won't just push people away? I'm just left feeling hopelessly broken and I have no idea what to do about it. I feel like if someone could just tell me what to do I'd do it in a heartbeat, no matter how hard. I don't want to be like this. I just don't know how not to.