I’m just so fucking angry. It’s taking everything in me to resist the urge to destroy everything I come into contact with, wanna fucking snap my phone in half as I write this. Keep almost ripping doors off their hinges. I was cutting chicken the other night and it kept sliding under the knife cause it wasn’t sharp enough and I just fucking lost it and stabbed it over and over again. Think mostly I wanna destroy myself more than anything else.

I’ve been pissed off for a while, but it peaked yesterday during a workout, I literally couldn’t finish it cause I was so fucking angry and that only pissed me off more. I haven’t come back down since. I’ve just blown my fucking cap and there’s no putting it back on. Feels like I’m seconds away from drinking again or cutting. I’m gonna relapse, don’t think there’s any way around that at this point, it’s gonna fucking happen. I’m just not gonna be able to put up with this for much longer. Wish I had something stronger than alcohol but I don’t, so I guess I’ll have to settle. Gonna be 4 months down the fucking drain but it feels inevitable cause this shit ain’t going away. Doesn’t fucking matter anyway, life’s way worse sober, don’t care what the fuck they say about “alcohol makes it worse”, I’m suicidal either way, but I found the suffering easier to tolerate when I was drink and shit. 

But fuck it, I can’t get the anger away from me, I don’t know how to do it. It gets worse during workouts. Wasn’t sure why, could be an adrenaline thing or a heart rate thing or a hormone thing or whatever, but I think it’s mainly that I’m just sitting there with my fucking thoughts and nothing drowns them out. Even listening to my music at full volume doesn’t drown them out. It’s all just fucking revenge fantasies and shit. All the people I wanna fucking scream at or beat the shit out of or fucking strangle to death with my bare hands. Don’t know what the fuck to do about it. And just cause I know it’s gonna get suggested, yeah I go to therapy, I have been for two years, it doesn’t help. Neither do any of the dozens and fucking dozens of mediations I’ve tried.

Don’t know what the fuck you’re supposed to do when you’re full of so much fucking rage that it’s totally overtaking your brain.