French 25M, this is an alt account because I'm rather worried some people might stumble upon my post on my main account and figure out my issues which I'd like to keep private hence the alt.

I don't categorize myself as someone with BPD, I don't want to self diagnose nor do I wish anyone to give me an uninformed diagnosis as I believe only my psychiatrist will eventually identify what's going on with me. Honestly I was nervous before posting, I'm scared that I might sound offensive to anyone here. I tried to post one a time during one of my many episodes of breakdown but my dumb brain forgot that we couldn't post until we had an account that's at least 3 days old.

For as long as I can remember I've been struggling with my relationships, my mind, and some dark thoughts that have been plaguing me daily. I never understood why I get so angry over little things. I never understood why I was so paranoid with my loved ones, why I love people so much when they get close to me and why I feel so hurt when I believe they're going to abandon me or that they're bored with me. I feel like I can't keep up with my emotions, like I'm flooded and I lose any form of reason. I get paranoid, I accuse people of abandoning me, I overthink and read between the lines. All the time I feel like I'm a terrible person for it, all the time I'm shunned for it and I honestly keep thinking I'm a bad person, someone that no one should ever talk to because everytime I manage to have friends, I end up being a nightmare for them. I've been called toxic, I was accused of being manipulative when I secluded myself because I'd rather abandon than be abandoned. I have indulged in self harm, which I won't detail, I don't want it to be a trigger for anyone, everytime I feel some sort of comfort but it's directly followed by guilt and I swear I won't do it again but each time I fail.

I've been reading a lot of posts on this subreddit, and for once in my life I feel like someone can understand what I'm going through, that I'm not the only one who's feeling like this. Again, I don't want to self diagnose but it feels good, you know? To see that there are people who can understand what you're going through. For as long as I can remember, no one ever managed to understand what's going on with me, my parents, my friends, teachers... I was always shunned for being "needy", "toxic", for "complaining too much" with my issues. All to the point where now I just shut up about anything and keep to myself as many things as I can. When I'm not flooded by my emotions, I feel like I'm empty, like I'm not really there as if I was spectating, it's like I'm either too emotive or I don't feel anything, no middle ground.

I barely get out anymore, I barely sleep because I can't keep my intrusive thoughts in check. I struggle to make plans because my mood can shift so quickly that one day I'm feeling good and the next hour I feel like shit and I don't have the strength to go out and see the few friends I have. My psychiatrist is just giving me more pills each time I see him and it's like he's barely trying to actually help.

Apologies for the clumsy english, and I'm sorry if this post doesn't follow the rules, I tried to stick by them but then again, I'm never sure of anything I do.