A few days ago, my anxiety got the best of me and I went off on a friend while I was trying to conceal that I was having an attack. It made a bit of a scene and led to all the people we were hanging out with leaving.

Tonight I did the same thing. I was with the same group, and was getting completely ignored. Everytime I talked no one listened, or I was talked over. Even if it wasn’t intentional, it made me feel super shit about myself and I began to have a bit of an anxiety attack. I was trying my best to conceal it and was doing a pretty good job at it too. I don’t know why I even entered this situation in the first place, I had a gut feeling it would end like this. I felt like I was super fucking alone and didn’t want to leave because I was too scared they’d talk about me behind my back. 

I waited a solid 5 minutes trying to get a friend’s attention which just enhanced my anxiety and made me feel even shittier. As some of my friends motioned to leave, I got up to go with them, but they proceeded to sit back down, leaving me at the door. I then got ready to leave, but asked them if they were going to which apparently was a major fuck up. They just looked at me and got pissed and then I went off. All my bottled up anxiety came out and I hate myself for it. The friends I was with left with me and told me that I can’t keep doing this, but I don’t know how to stop this. I left them and know they went back to the group and talked about me for an hour straight.

I fucking hate myself for this right now. Just needed to rant and get this off my chest. I don’t know what to do anymore, this shit just keeps getting worse and worse and worse for me.