i literally am so far in my brain that i don't even know what's a real social cue anymore. 

my FP drove over 7 hours to see me from a different state for a week and out of those 7 days i think 5 or 6 evenings ended up with me crying, being upset and pushing him away. i was a complete and total monster. he fought back the first time or two but then he became fed up with me and refused to speak to me even when i tried to vent, which i can completely understand why. he felt he was walking on eggshells and he was tired of going over the same conversations and soothing me over and over. the last night i decided no matter what i wouldn't have an episode and allow my triggers to get the better of me, and i didn't. i apologized so many times for my behavior and told him i've gotten much more stable over the past year but being close to someone romantically is still very difficult for me to do. he told me that he forgives me and that my episodes are so little compared to the fun we have and love we share but ofcourse im convincing myself he made that up for whatever stupid reason. 

he left today and i'm having a really hard time deciding whether or not i ruined things with him and he never wants to see me again. i don't want to keep pushing him away but this inbetween feeling is very anxiety inducing because i don't want to be abandoned/rejected eventually after he gets back home but he's not the type of man to constantly want to reassure me so i'm just stuck not knowing and not wanting to ask if he still wants me around. he was so adamant on me coming to his state and meeting his family before he came, but now i'm not so sure he'd want me. he said "i hope you'll think about visiting me." before he left but i for some reason translate that to being 'visit me or dont, i honestly don't really care.' he said so many sweet things to me, he bought me dinner so many nights, he got me a giant stuffed bunny that i wanted, he said i'm the love of his life and here i am still doubting that he wants me around. and this is the exact thing that's going to lead to me losing him and furthermore dying alone if i dont fix myself right now.