I can’t stop reading actual studies, papers, and just articles online about parents with BPD. I wasn’t diagnosed until after I had her. It seems like my symptoms just got a million times worse when she came. I’m constantly thinking she deserves better. I know I physically take care of her really well, and I think I almost overcompensate because I think I’m failing her emotionally. There’s nothing good online or in studies about mothers with BPD and it’s completely destroying me and stressing me out. I have massive guilt going on inside of me. I keep telling myself that I need to leave my husband and give him full custody before she realizes who I am (she’s four months old). I really do think she’ll have a better chance of being mentally healthy and thriving without me. I’m extremely self aware but I find myself being destructive anyways. I want to give up custody because I’m terrified of becoming worse and messing her up and then having her struggle like I do, and I wouldn’t wish this hell on anyone. 

If there are any parents here, I’d love some advice. I’m going out of my mind and I feel like my husband wants to be blind to it all. He says I’m being too hard on myself but actual evidence (studies) have showed I’m not. I can’t be responsible for messing up an innocent child, and at the same time, my heart absolutely breaks when I think about not taking care of her everyday.