I hate the fact that I people please in general and can't really control it. It's horrible losing myself and just becoming a ghost who tries to become what I think the person I'm talking to will want.

But there are some instances that just make me want to scrub myself with steel wool or hit my head against a wall. Times when it was like the approval I got from someone was all that mattered and it was all that existed in the world at the moment. Sometimes for people who weren't even good people, or weren't someone I was that into. Like just to give an example, a guy that I slept with, and when we were talking I just went along with a lot of what he said when we were hanging out even though I disagreed. Like, just nodding or being like "yeah," with a smile rather than speaking up because I was freezing/fawning. 

I want to be able to be myself and keep my mind when I'm with people, rather than dissociating and just going with the flow because I want to please them or can't deal with the discomfort of disappointing them or having any sort of conflict. I want to erase my memory, have a different life or something, and move to a cave alone if that's what it takes to stop people pleasing lmao