I am struggling. I ended up getting really close to someone that I was friends with, and while we were getting to know each other more intimately and personally (which all felt healthy!) I found out he had a girlfriend he was lying to and I was the other woman. I left, blocked him, but I am so fixated on things about it all. I feel like he was a friend and then he manipulated me into thinking it was more, then he pulled away and said we were just friends having fun, and I should stay friends with him. UHHH. no.

I just feel so empty. The dude I was with before him was absolute trash to me, breaking boundaries, love bombing, ghosting. I am really repulsed by what I let myself put up with. I took a long break from dating and then I end up in the same situation with a guy who is just a better liar.

I just keep fixating on it. There is this weird part of me that wants both of them back, even though they aren’t nice to me. I keep facebook creeping cheater’s girlfriend to see what she is saying about him. It’s even worse that she posts pictures of him looking half asleep at dinner, miserable looking, and other videos of him just giving her attitude and the finger. He doesn’t even seem nice, but my stupid brain has built him up to be so much more. Then, the worst thought is really fixating on why people don’t treat me like i am a person with feelings.

I have never had a nice relationship. I have been lied to, cheated, or just plain treated on since I was young. I left some of the relationships, but some I would hang around in. Hell, I went on a first date with a guy who told me I needed to get as skinny as I was when we met so he could like me.

No man has ever treated me like a person. I don’t even get bare minimum. I thought this guy was different, but now that I’m out of the haze, he wasn’t even good to me really. Yes, he was reliable and a good person to talk with. He spent the full day with me. (Yay bare minimum!) But I paid for all our food, he would eat my edibles, and never really offered anything up. 

This is half a rant, but also, do you fixate on people who waste your time and hurt you? Any tips on how to stop?