my boyfriend (18) lives alone and we have been self-isolating in separate houses (in the UK) but he has quite bad mental health issues and his lows can be unpredictable, he describes it as him moving to the back of his mind and helplessly watching the self-destructive things this impulsive thing that takes over him does. in this past month he’s attempted suicide three times (i had to call an ambulance on him the first time after he OD’d) and been in and out of hospital (after escaping the emergency room) as well as spending time on a mental health ward until he was discharged a few days later. during that time, he was heavily abusing unprescribed benzodiazepines and opiates to the point where I didn’t even recognise him, he was saying and doing things out of character (including saying very hurtful things which he has since apologised for) despite insisting they were helping his anxiety.

he has the worst insomnia and can often go several days without sleeping, so the nurses gave him antihistamine sedatives which helped both his insomnia and anxiety, but have since taken him off them to “see what happens”. inevitably, his anxiety and insomnia came back so he felt as if he had to resort to self-medicating again with a cocktail of drugs similar to the benzos and opiates he was abusing before, including xanax, morphine, codeine, diazepam etc. he insists he’s in a better headspace and will be more careful but after facetiming him i noticed he could barely speak. i hung up in tears hoping he just passed out from exhaustion and not something more sinister.

it sounds selfish but this constant trauma of living with the constant anxiety that he’s no longer alive is really taking its toll. i know i am his girlfriend and i really would do anything and everything for him, and have done for the past month – there are no boundaries. but being in such a relentless state of dread, helplessness and anxiety is making me truly ill. i haven’t been looking after myself and been neglecting my studies, and can’t sleep without horrible dreams of him self-harming or killing himself. i just don’t know what to do, but refuse to give up on him, even if it means at my emotional, physical and psychological expense but i am also torn by the fact that he is not my responsibility and that i can only help so much.