No matter how I logically rationalize things and try to be strong the underlying pain of many things that have happened are always there. Getting over one thing in the moment replaces it with something else. The last few nights I’ve been having dreams about particular events, and it can be so overwhelming I wake up feeling like i’m still in the dream. It’s like getting a perfect diagram of every trauma and insecurity and having it displayed to you over and over, and everything starts to close in at once. I forced myself to get out of bed when I wasn’t at all well rested because I wanted it to stop.

I know things will get better when I do the work I need to, in every day life and emotionally, but I feel so held back. A year ago I was dumped by someone who I knew wasn’t good for me, and I’m still angry about it because of my playing into their BS and not recognizing it sooner. Even though in the grand scheme of things it really does not matter, I can’t even sleep without thinking about this. Around the same time, a legitimate narcissist saw my vulnerabilities and took advantage. Which I blame myself for more than them. I feel like a lesser person for not putting up a fight, something they commented on once.

It’s been almost a year since things definitively went downhill for me. Those events with the ex and the snake I thought was a friend, feel like they’ll be with me for the rest of my life. Between friends, family, and 3 therapists I’ve raved for hours over about this, I have no idea what needs to be said to me to help me not think about it every day. I have friends but living far away from them during a pandemic has made seeing them very unlikely. Social rejection, general loneliness, and a lack of moving forward over the course of the last year has had detrimental effects on my success and quality of life. I’ve had two DBT therapists and I don’t feel like I’ve made substantial progress.

I swear I know this post is going on and on, but I don’t even know how to cope. The whole “chronic feelings of emptiness and boredom” thing has been getting to me lately. I got a job for a week but it was legitimately so boring it caused me panic attacks, and ofc a coworker was an asshole once and that was all it took to shatter my sensitive ass.

I know this is a long post but for the love of god, does anybody have any advice or words so I can potentially stop living in the past permanently?