  

I (33 man) just ended an approx. 3 months relationship with someone suffering from BPD to whom I got really close really fast. I feel extremely hurt, scared and I lost my sense of trust both in her and in reality, as well. I do not even know from where to start and I want to depict this as objective as possible.

I discovered she (30 women) lied about so many things. I was not aware that cruelty and deception is a trait of BPD. She mentioned initially she suffers of C-PTSD, or at least it was assigned to her by a previous therapist. I became aware of her BPD only in the last weeks of our relationship, so I felt really unprepared for all the episodes that started to get triggered more often and escalate very fast. I would not know how to respond to such episodes and I would get angry myself and try to set borders, but only to make things worse both for her and me. For example, in her latest episode of perceived abandonment she got angry and threatened to end the relationship (which was not the first time to do so), to which point I got angry and returned her the same lines, that is over from my side too, that I can’t endure anymore her controlling behavior and her threats of ending the relationship every time there is a strong episode. This was via phone and I was waiting for her at her place to come back home later the day. I was asked to pack the things and go. I started to pack my things while she was trying again to call me back. I didn’t pick anymore, I was very angry. Later, when I arrived at my place I noticed she sent me via WhatsApp a video recording of herself giving oral sex to a guy that supposedly was visiting her one week before during a tensed weekend between us, then to admit later that was actually an older recording with her ex but that she spent the weekend alone or with friends that I know, then to admit that her ex indeed visited her because she felt abandonment by me when I asked for some time for myself. There are more details to this convoluted story, but I am not even sure if all these happened. What hurts and is also very scary is that she was very cruel and she knew this was a vulnerability of mine from a previous relationship where I got very hurt as well. I felt in that moment that every vulnerability I shared with her can and will be used against me. Or at least this is my perception of things.

Indeed for that particular tensed weekend mentioned above I felt I needed some time for myself and talk with my friends because I suffered from major depressive disorder in the past and gradually I started to see signs of depression inside me. I am seeing a therapist, but since more than a month he was not reachable anymore, I can only presume due to covid. I have tendencies of co-dependency that were discovered in a past relationship (almost 2 years ago) where I tolerated being cheated on repeatedly. I was working on my childhood trauma that triggered depressive episodes and co-dependency tendencies. I got far better in time, but I needed my therapist for dealing with what was happening in the new relationship, where her and me were victims of BPD.

My girlfriend forbidden me to talk with anyone about her BPD and what it was doing to our relationship, but I felt the need of help for myself. She is scared that her BPD can affect her career and she is indeed right, there are certain laws in the country where we are, that can allow an employer to investigate her mental past. One major thing that was happening inside me was to start to sensor the information I give to her because I would be scared she has an episode. She felt that, because I am not a great liar, and one can detect my hesitation when I sensor information. It truly came out of fear of triggering her and I see now that was a huge mistake from my side that leads to broken trust and suspicion. I have indeed a close woman friend that I can trust with confidentiality, we know each other since many years and I needed to talk with her about all these, since I could not reach my therapist. Admitting that I talked with my friend created a huge tension between my girlfriend and I, and triggered a series of strong episodes, in one even mentioning suicide. I understand I broke the secret vault and that her trust for me was destroyed. Also, huge jealousy was created. But, I didn’t imagine I would get so much punishment during her episodes. Her action of sending me a video recording of herself giving oral sex to her ex simply pushed me away in trauma, fear, mistrust, pain. I felt I have to end the relationship because it was getting very painful for me, at least as painful as the last co-dependency situation that threw me in a couple of months in a major depressive episode when I tried to end my life with anti-depressives and alcohol.

As far as she last told me, she seems to be with her ex now and that "she is addicted to him". Her ex seems to have been very abusive on her, a hoarder, porn addict and would even take up-skirt photos of her women friends, and this is based on what she said and evidence that she found. That was the reason she ended the relationship (at least this is what I was told by her). A friend of hers once mentioned to me in private that "what this guy did to her can be considered rape", which makes me think there might have been more abuse in that relationship. Could be that her connection with this guys brings familiarity of her past child abuse. She mentioned that she was molested by a family member repeatedly and there were no validation from her family. This person molested also other girls in her family and outside her family and he is still walking free, most probably molesting others still. I wish something can be done in that direction, but I feel is not up to me, nor I can initiate a case against him. I feel she needs the help of a therapist together with authorities eventually. But I red that if such cases fail to materialize, the invalidation that triggered BPD in the first place, gets further stronger and can lead to further complications.

I understand her BPD is a serious disease and that is unfortunately very stigmatized. We were also trying to find couple therapy specialized on DBT. I understand she suffers a lot because of the BPD and her constant fear of not receiving unconditional love. I could only wish I was better prepared for all these, but everything happened so fast, like a tornado. Now I try to get a sense of reality. I decided to block the communication because I am afraid that if she has more episodes, then maybe she will try to send more hurtful things. I am scared, in pain, angry also, with a complete broken trust, lowered self-esteem and signs of depression. I feel a storm is gradually forming in my head. I also tend to feel guilty, that I didn’t do enough to understand her BPD, but I think such guilt comes from my codependency tendencies. I imagine I could have stand by her side and fight with her the BPD. Maybe, I need to understand that is a journey she has to take alone.

If some people went through similar situations, I would like your advice. Should I forgive and try to find a solution to make the relationship work again? Or should I forgive both myself and her and just walk away and focus on recovering myself? And how does one recover after such a tornado? Breakups are hard, but this one is particularly painful.