Hi everybody. I was thinking this morning, in a negative way, as is customary of the first and last hour or so of my day. But I think there is a shadow of acceptance.

I am lonely.

I’m in my mid-30s, single, and have a couple friends and my mom. I keep all of them at arms length, try to keep communication down to once a week at most. This seems to work best for everyone. I have also come to the conclusion that contrary to what I’ve always heard, “there’s someone for everyone”, there isn’t someone for me. It’s not the BPD, it’s my values, my dark humor, my lack of morality. Sometimes I wonder if I fall into a sociopathic category, but I think I’ve just been bitter and jaded for so long, I don’t have the capacity to care for much else that is human.

I am emotionally unhealthiest in a relationship. All of my BPD shows. But when I’m alone and single, and lonely, I feel like I have better control of my emotions. I might be sad, depressed even. But that’s nothing compared to the swing in emotion that comes along with a relationship. I don’t want to inflict that onto myself, or someone else that is just trying to navigate this life as effortlessly as possible. 

And that’s where the acceptance came in. It’s damn near a public service for me to just give up on finding someone to share my life with. I have pets, and I have the few friends that seem to have stuck around so far. And as sad as giving up may seem, there are a lot of other things I’ve learned to accept that I won’t get to do in this life, like being a race car driver or an astronaut or winning medals in the Olympics.