so i am not sure why i decide to post here. maybe its just attention seeking or maybe i havent given up hope as completly as i thought i had. i pre wrote the following on word since i thought maybe it will help? originally i planned to post annonymous or on a throwaway account since i realy dont want to talk about that directly. but its just to much work for me right now and i have all kind of excuses for that in my head already. ill probably only read the comments. anyway here it comes: 

&amp;#x200B;

  

So I’m writing about my current situation and my thoughts about it.

I am a fucking idiot and an asshole. Also, I am severely depressed.

I have had a stationary stay at a clinic for my depression about 1 and a half years ago. After that I was initially doing fine. Since my previous therapist did not have time for me anymore, I did not get another one since I did not want to. Maybe I did not want to because I did not want to tell anyone else about how much I suck, maybe I was just lazy. I don’t know. 

Anyway, I got myself an apprenticeship with an It company in programming which started about 4 months ago. Initially I was doing fine, maybe even good. But I had a sports accident which forced me to stay home about 1 month into the job. From that point on I got worse again. Due to the injury, I moved in with my parents and basically had my mother take care of me, like I am a damn child again, since I could not stand up and carry anything. Initially I still contacted people and my work. But soon I stopped that. I did not send important mails to the company and now I might lose the job. I hate myself and how I am acting. Why can’t I change? Why don’t I do those things? They would literally just take 5-10 min of my time to do, and I basically have all day to do them? My parents are great and are doing their best to take care of me, but I am 28 and basically can’t function as an adult and I spend my time sinking into games that don’t matter and reading stuff I don’t care about. 

Every time I have time to think about myself, I am getting close to tears and some time ago I had a panic attack with full on crying and hyperventilating. How can I get better? I know my relatives would be devasted if I suicide, but I am basically just a burden and a source of trouble for them and I don’t have any hope that I can change anymore. I do have a doctor’s appointment soon where I plan on saying my depression is getting much worse again, but I don’t believe I am capable of telling how bad it really is and will probably lie if further probed.