I've spent the last few years struggling to not only manage the depression but my expectations of myself throughout. I keep wanting to be better and give myself outs when I see I'm on a high. "This is attainable" "this is my new normal" and yet I keep crashing and burning. Honestly I have skipped my meds, stopped taking them for stints, stopped therapy, told myself to start again just to not. I've been devastating to be around. Seen my relationship hit walls and rough points and been so scared it's my fault but doing nothing about it. 

I hate this. I hate how I feel but I also hate the looks and moments where I see the confusion and uncertainty in my wife..she doesn't deserve that. To have to wonder what will set me off or be taken the wrong way and make me shut down.

I have a therapy appointment scheduled, my meds seem to be chilling me out but not enough. I broke last night. Felt every ounce of my struggle to accept how bad things are just end. I see it. I see the version of me now and I'm not happy with it. I don't want to hurt my wife or son. I don't want to sit in these moments of agony and despair. I want to keep smiling and having fun.

I felt lonely last night after I finally broke. Completely aware that I have done a lot of pushing and hurting. Not just others but myself. Finding friends to talk to has been a goal..I don't want to commiserate I want to grow and find harmony. 

I can't be alone in that.