BPD took the better part of my youth. As is a common byproduct of this disorder, many friendships were obliterated, relationships were pandemonium and my academia was failing. Work life suffered greatly too, and I’m lucky to have had such patient management when my lack of control bled into my motivation and affected my ability to complete basic tasks.

I’m a software engineer and one might say it takes a highly logical thinker to succeed in this industry. The juxtaposition of having BPD and working in the world of numbers and data has caused multiple mental breakdowns, burnout and written warnings.  

2 years ago, during an episodic state of mania, depression, rage and self-loathing an idea popped into my head: what if I just turned it all off? And so I did. Simply put, I ‘let go’ of any emotion high or low. In that moment, an almost chilling calm engulfed my body. My clenched muscles instantly relaxed. I went from a blubbering mess to a logical entity. For once, I could think straight and see how things really were.

At first, this was a tough endeavour. Everything tried to crawl its way back, resurfacing to cause another delightful cocktail of emotions with a debilitating aftertaste. But, I really committed to shutting it all off. You know how they say it takes 21 days to form a habit? Well, that rings true. After a month, this suppression became autopilot. 

During the next couple of months, my work had seen such an improvement that my boss pulled me aside and said, verbatim, “It’s like you died and resurrected as someone else completely.” 6 months after that I was promoted to a Senior engineer and became the go-to person in the office when any issues arose.

Outside of work, almost every other facet of my life has been transformed harmoniously:

- My friendships have consolidated. I no longer spend countless hours talking about myself. I learned how to slow down, become an active listener, take an active interest in their lives rather than using them as echo chambers.

- I’ve taken up and explored many hobbies. From reading, cooking and walking to getting the creative juices flowing by working on some software pet projects. Consistently dabbling in these activities keeps me sane.

- My current relationship has not seen an ounce of the drama that used to occur. It’s a normal, functioning two-way street that has as many ups and downs that sit comfortably within the spectrum of normality.

Despite what may be perceived as a negative ‘coping mechanism’, deciding to suppress my emotions has actually lead me to lead a much more fulfilling life. I’m not in a constant state of despair like before, crumbling under the weight of the world. I have slowed my pace and think in a rational manner about everything. Every action I take has been calculated by weighing the pros and cons first. I’ve learned about delayed gratification, something a younger me would have believed was never to be controlled. 

In the past 2 years, I’ve accomplished the following:

- 3 pay rises
- 2 jobs
- moved out of my hometown and into the city 
- published a few projects
- gained a dozen friends
- lost weight through healthy eating 
- developed a rigorous habit of keeping my dental hygiene in check

The rut has been broken.

Apologies for the lengthy post, I just wanted to put my thoughts out somewhere.