Hey all. Vent incoming. Advice if you have any. Commiseration if you don't. Kind words only, please.


Long story short: I was born with a weird tongue thing that prevented me from nursing properly. For the first six months of my life I was virtually starving but no one knew. I gained weight but very little and very slowly. When my mother switched to bottle feeding, I adjusted and no one really thought much of it. My tongue thing was diagnosed age 8 and at that point it was pointed out that it was a miracle I was able to nurse at all. I believe this experience left my brain vulnerable &amp; fragile, and my self in a constant heightened state. Anyway....

I was raised in a very invalidating home environment. As a very young child I was shouted at to repress my emotions and correct my behavior, without anyone bothering to talk to me about my feelings. If I expressed that I was feeling a certain way I was told "that's ridiculous" or "you're being ridiculous." If I couldn't complete a task quickly enough, it was taken from me while I was informed "you're useless," and it was completed for me. This behavior continues to this day. 

So.....duh.... I have BPD now. My mother knows and still can't stop engaging in the very behavior that caused this in the first place. She *knows*. She's a fucking mental health professional. And yes this very Wednesday she said to me, "that's ridiculous. You don't know what you're talking about. You're WRONG," (spoiler alert: I was right) and I flew into a BPD rage.

Because *of course I fucking did*. 

My husband texted her later to talk to her about it and she replied, "I never know what's going to upset her." 

Do you not?

How many times have I told her? How many times have I laid it out for her, **word for fucking word**, the things she says that trigger me? This is not a mystery. 

I told her I wanted an apology. She's "sorry she upset [me]."

She said she felt that she was owed an apology too. I straigh told her no. I said "I will not apologize for behaving like a person with BPD when the person who caused my BPD triggers my BPD. I have done my share of owning my issues. Now it's your turn." 

I haven't heard from her since. 

It's my birthday next weekend. I will be 36. 

And I am so tired. I don't think I can carry on having a relationship with her anymore. But that makes me so sad. She's my mom and I love her. 

What do I do?