Hey all. I’m at the end of my rope, and posting for some support. I won’t get into my entire life story, but I was disowned by my birth family as a young adult and have led a very challenging life. In addition to BPD, I have been diagnosed with ADHD and also believe that I am autistic, though not formally diagnosed yet. 

I’m 30 years old now, and I still feel like I have no one. I organized a game night recently with my partner of six years and his two friends and two of my friends. We had another person tune in virtually. He texted something to everyone in the group and remembered to add every phone number to the text, including someone he had just met and the virtual attendee, but forgot to add mine, his own gf’s. I was speaking to a cousin of mine who is essentially my only family support, and she called me the wrong name, referring instead to one of her close friends. I’m sharing these recent examples to paint a picture. I constantly feel that no one actually wants me around and instances like this prove that to me. It seems everyone enjoys it more when I’m actually not there. My entire life has been this way. I’ve always been the person who wasn’t really part of the group, but I thought things would be different at this point in my life. But things are worse than ever. Whenever I introduce people btw, they always end up liking each other more than me. There’s a lot more to explain but it’s too long to fit here. 

I consider ending my relationship and these friendships that make me feel less than, but I think then I would be completely alone, and that’s scary because I already spent so much of my youth that way and don’t want to be so alone at this age. Even among the BPD community, I often find it to be the case that others seem less “sick” than me. My most painful reality with my birth family keeps being repeated again and again so it seems I either remain stuck in that pattern forever or be completely alone. 

I will add I have tried various therapies to make myself more tolerable to others, including DBT, exposure, self-help books, EMDR, yoga, TMS, CBT, and meds. Literally nothing has made anything better. I feel that I am doomed to repeat the initial rejection by my family forever, and it makes me want erase myself. 

Sorry for the long post. Thank you for reading.