My therapist told me that the sad part of me made by all the things that hurt me in the past should be treated as an old friend. An old friend that visits once in a while - who I should just accompany and let reminisce and nothing more.

But sometimes, he's just there, telling me things I need to do to secure my own sanity and how I could tell my anxieties to go away. Hugging me and securing me, confirming every doubt in my head instead of letting them linger.

"Cut ties, stop talking to him."  
"I told you he wouldn't care."  
"She knows how to fuck with you - you should've seen this coming."  
"They're leaving, they're better off without you anyway. Let them be."

Cutting people off isn't new to me, obviously. I've been so used to it I've been desensitized to it, yet I end up hating myself whenever I try to push my doors open and let people in.

They just fuck me over anyway. I already knew it was a stupid idea - that when opened up to someone who's obviously not recovered and haven't found herself yet, it would be nothing more than additional bullets to shoot me with. That opening up to someone who's set on not being attached and committed to any kind of friendly relationship would be pointless because they could just let it go at any moment for their own peace of mind and I'd have nothing to hold on to, not any right to ask them to stay, scared they'd think that it's about pride and ego and not about my feelings. Not about me scared of being left alone again. Not about me being hurt about being nothing more than what I've always been - everyone's stopover. 

But I did, anyway. And at these times, he wins.

The voice in my head laughs at me, mocking me for being stupid. For being "hopeful and positive" that "things would be different" this time around. "They'll stay, I know it" becomes nothing more than a line I'd regret saying.

Sometimes I wonder why I push him away, when he's been keeping me from being hurt this whole time. I was content for a year without depending on anyone, and I just fucked it up by trying to be optimistic for once.

He's right. In the end, those who don't like me or just like someone else better would easily just drop me off and drift away. I wonder why I didn't know any better. I wonder why I thought things would've been different - it wasn't even logical, no rationales to hold my thought.

I need to build my walls higher. I need to stay in my bubble.

I don't want to hate people. I don't want to look at anyone with a heavy heart. I don't want to spite and I don't want anyone to spite me.

I just need to stay in my corner and not listen to anyone. Not even to the toxic friend inside my head.