I thought I fought the depths of BPD hell. I had just finished my DBT group 10 hours a week for three months, I felt so accomplished I thought I had the keys to my success and I was going to use them to take my life back. 
Well.... 
I lost control, I got triggered. I dived into the mindset of irrationality, anger, rage, fear of abandonment. I lost it. I lost all of my progress I cried and sobbed for 15 hours I made small threats of suicide. I fucking embarrassed myself. 

I know why I do these things. I know what triggers me. I have so much self awareness I can't even deny it anymore. But with all that self awareness there's still denial. I deny how my actions affect others, I deny that my nialism and negativity are contagious and people don't want to catch it. I deny that when I try to supress my emotions I supress myself causing people to think I'm self absorbed. I deny that my emotions are so overpowering I exhaust everyone I love. 

I pushed everyone away. They didn't abandon me. We can sit and stoop in how our emotions are so painful to us, we can sit here and say I am a victim to my impulsive urges, we can beg people to understand our pain. I'm telling you they won't and they don't need to. We need to have to courage to say no to our emotional mind, to actually practice our skills even though it feels good to dive into the darkness. I'm tired of fucking loosing everyone, I'm tired of feeling like I have no control. I'm not going to let BPD consume me, I'm not gonna let it win. I'm fucking done with that diagnosis and I'm gonna do everything in my power to control it. Make BPD your bitch ! I can do it, you can do it. Stop living in denial.