Hi. I'm sorry if this post will be messy, but it's 1AM here and I feel like I won't be able to sleep if I won't get it out of me. 
For the last couple days, I feel so... overwhelmed. My social anxiety has prevented me from having any IRL friends since high school, so most of my friendships are online. I don't know if anything changed, or if I'm just going crazy, but I feel like recently everyone's been talking about their boyfriends, girlfriends, partners, how lovely they are and how much they love them... and I just can't bear it. On one hand I'm happy for them, of course I am, they're my friends and I'm happy that they can enjoy love and their significant others, but on the other it makes me want to howl in sadness and bite my hands off in frustration. I've been feeling this strange kind of jealousy, I'm 20 and I've never dated. I've never even kissed anyone. I barely made it past high school, I was too exhausted by studying, social anxiety and sensory overload in school and I didn't have the strenght to keep up with any sort of social life. Seeing everyone around me dating, or having fun with their friends just hurts and I want to cry. I feel this kind of cosmic unfairness, that to so many people relationships, platonic and romantic, come so easy, they don't have to struggle with their own mind to just leave the house and go somewhere, or talk to a stranger, or ask someone out. I think human relationships are fascinating and one of the most human things possible (we're where we are as a species because we're so social), but due to my difficulties with this, I sometimes feel like there's a crucial part of my humanity missing, like I'm a chipped cup or something. I love stories that feature deep, complex relationships and I long to experience something like that since I was 16, but I'm afraid that this is the closest I'll ever get to it; by being a voyeour of fictional characters and people around me, that I'll only ever manage to catch crumbs, or look at pictures of people eating delicious food, and only dream about how it tastes, knowing that it's impossible for me to get. I feel like a failure, that everyone around me is so much better at being a person than I am, that they can live fully and breathe with their full lungs, while I can only manage some pitiful, shallow gasps. I think that's partially why I love art so much, it allows me an insight into the artist's very psyche and get it feels like getting a new friend, or even a kindred spirit. I've been doing CBT therapy for about 10 months now, and my herapist really wants me to sign up for some volunteer work, but I'm araid that it will end as it always does: I'll be rejected by others, or nobody there will interest me enough to befriend them. I know that statistically there's plenty of people like me around the world, but the mind doesn't always listen to such rational arguments, no matter how much I'd want it to. What matters to it is that everyone I know who's my age seems to be so much better at the whole "being a human" thing, I feel like there's something fundamentally wrong with me due to my anxiety, and that I should lie down on the dusty carpet I have in my room, cry my eyes out and wait for death. Thank you for reading.