I feel defeated, totally and utterly defeated in everything. I hate everyone and everything. I want to be alone, I want to be numb, I want everything to end. I'm not suicidal just to make that clear. I feel like my life is pointless although I know deep down it isn't. I feel so lonely and so empty. I love my job, but lately it's been very trying bc of obvious nepotism that pisses me off. My fuse is very short lately and Idk how much longer I can keep my mouth shut. 

My health is shit and doctors treat me like I'm stupid. The impending fear of possibly having to have another surgery, being cut on, and having more pain makes me never want to go back to a doctor ever again. This last surgery was excruciating and I'm still recovering. I was off work for two and a half months which caused me to fall into a depression. 

I had to get roommates. I'm very grateful for their help but I hate them. Well I hate them living with me. They are annoying, always in my space.They want to socialize. I am a loner, I like my solitude, I hate people bothering me, using my stuff, having to run them. Not to mention they are both dumb. It's like their parents didn't teach them anything and they have no common sense. 

My children are 18 and 22. My daughter doesn't want me to move away, she says I need to still be a parent. She is married and has been married for almost four years, has her own place, and is in college full time. My son graduated this past school year, and has yet to get a job, or his license. In which he's just now an adult and I don't plan on just leaving him. I gave him a time frame to get all of the above. She tells me he needs to stay home with me as long as possible to make sure he will be ok on his own.  I get it I really do. I left home at 18 with a newborn and have pretty much been on my own ever since. My kids were taught way more things about life than I ever knew, they are smart, kind, good hearted, and responsible. Honestly idk how they turned out as well as they have because I've never been that great of a mother. 

I have a great boyfriend, definitely not perfect but he's the most genuine person I've ever met. He doesn't abuse me in any way, has never yelled at me, tells me he's proud of me, and he's a decent human being. Yet I'm not happy. I love him very deeply to the point it hurts. He has a great family, was raised in a completely different type of environment than me. I don't feel good enough for him. I don't feel like I deserve him. We have issues. I have BPD and he has ASD so it's challenging for me. I know it is for him. 

I overwhelm him, I'm very intense, and over loving. We have a ldr and see each other once a week. He told me a while back that I overwhelm him mentally, physically, emotionally, and sexually. He said if we can't spend more than one day together without him having to get away from me that he didn't know what that meant for the future. That destroyed my heart because now I'm full of uncertainty. The doubt gives me anxiety. I feel like if I am too much just once it will be like everyone else, he will leave. But I also feel like I should end things because I complicate his life. My brain searches for any reason to make him the bad guy so I have an excuse to leave. 

I'm sorry it's so long lol I needed to get things out. I have been in a weird fog today and can't seem to get out.