Hi, it's my first time posting

I'm 16 and currently go to a pretty open public school, ever since the Uvalde footage started dropping and I finally at this age fully realized what death meant and that the kids who die in these things aren't just NPCs in my life and they're actual individuals like me and you, I got scared, I'd have nightmares (which I still do) and I just COULDN'T get my head off of those individuals and the terrible ways they died and the fact that they should be here enjoying 2022 with the rest of us.

After those realizations, school was getting closer to starting back up again, and I've been having these terrifying day dreams that come about involuntarily, I'd be in the hallways and my head would go "oh what it one came in right now? We'd have to duck down and play dead" and I'd just be doing ANYTHING and my brain would redirect to a day dream of me dying in one of them.

I think about the effect it would have on the people who knew me, what my legacy would be and most importantly how SCARY it would be, and how we don't know what happens after death...


Lately nothing feels real, I've been having rough times and recently those rough times stopped and they stopped right when the nightmares started and since things have been going good with my life and I DON'T feel like it's real, I guess my mind kinda doesn't feel like I deserve that happiness,

And my head has equated and attached itself that feeling of not being real, to feeling as if I'm going to die soon, so everytime in having a thought my mind goes "it doesn't matter you might die soon" and whenever I'm having a good time with people it's like " this is what they're going to tell the press we did if I die, they're gonna tell them we did this" 

It's a horrifying experience, I was in a vacation in Jamaica and I had 0 anxiety or excitement about ANYTHING and it was my first time, so much so that I held a literal snake with 0 emotion, and my mom took a video of me walking on the beach when I was in my head and I was literally WALKING IN CIRCLES, it was really creepy and furthered my mind thinking that I'm simply not real.

My days bleed into each other, and it's all like this spinning everything bagel tearing me apart too.

Sometimes I think 
"They can't hurt me if I do it first(shooting)" or "they can't kill me if I take myself out first)

And it's honestly some of the scariest stuff, everyone says I look happier this year but my mental has NEVER been this bad before, I think I've just gotten better at hiding it.


Can someone please just help me (and no statistics please)