I fucking hate my life and I hate my family and I hate my body and I just fucking hate living. I wish I could achieve everything I’ve ever dreamed of but it’s apparent I never will. As my family and friends have told me from the beginning I’m just a ducking failure and I’ll never be even as close to as great as any of them. 

All I wanted was to be happy and now I haven’t even achieved that. All my fuck ups and fucking bullshit was in persuit of happiness and now there all far happier than me. I got help for this disease I got medication and still I sit here balling my eyes out and fantasizing about opening my body up with a razor. I feel like they just sucked all of my happiness out of me like fucking snakes and now all 4 of them are the perfect humans with the perfect lives and I’ll never be there I’ll always just be the disappointment, the brother that didn’t live up to expectations, the fucking joke of the family. It wasn’t my fault but I did let it happen, I didn’t stand up to anything I jus let the abuse happen over and over and I kept telling myself I was fine. 

But I’m not fine, I’ll never be fine. All I do is just block out the pain like it’s not there and will never be there but it is. It’s a fucking constant in this life and I can’t avoid it. I really fucking can’t. No matter all the advice, therapy, good times I’ll never escape. The only real escape is the ultimate equalizer. Ending my suffering and letting it spread to them. Making them know what they did to me. Even my teacher and his fucking friend, I hope they find out and realize what they did. I want them all to know there part. I just wish I had the courage to do it. I hope when I do build up the courage that I dig that razor deep into my skin and cut every single vein, artery, and fucking let the blood flow. Let the suffering seep out until it finds its resting place in all the people who harmed me. 

I would feel bad for my girlfriend and my other friends but I hope they would understand. I hope they would know that I did it for good reason and if they didn’t then fuck they weren’t good friends. I just want it to end. I just want to be normal. I just want to have fucking peace in my mind.

But those are unachievable goals, at-least if I’m living.

I hope I look back on this when I’m happy. And fuck all u Redditors Bc I already know no ones gonna reply to this dumb a shit. Was it not original enough? Was it too fucking boring for you fucks? Atleast I’ll always have it In my journal. My reddit profile/journal of pain and suffering called my fucking life. Nice