I only realised that I’ve had long term depression when I talked to a psychologist this year. The way I gradually lost interest in everything starting in high school (VCE), isolated myself from peers, all I had was to sometimes sit alone during lunch and draw to escape reality, or force myself to join my ‘friends’ for lunch to feel like a normal person. I became so detached and disconnected. 

At home, my dad is this narcissistic hypocrite who worked hard to raise me alone when my mum was not here. My mum is extremely manipulative with her words, always saying its for your own good. Our interactions are as much as npc, repetitive and mundane.

Towards the last 2 years of my hs, I became aware that my dad cheated on my mum (long-term) and had a family (Hi to my half-brother who I’ve nv met), as my mum would casually tell me. They divorced. But still lived together. It was weird, but they nv told me anything about it, but just talked shit about each other a lot in front of me. 

The first time I talked to someone about my family was when I almost ended up homeless, because my dad’s sister evicted us out of the house we were staying in, of course my dad was not here to help but busy seeing his other family. My cousin’s family let us stayed with them while my mum had no choice but to buy a house. I rmb sitting in the hs counsellors office writing down what happened cus i didnt know how to express it verbally…

There’s so much more, but long story short, I moved out after fighting with my mum, found jobs to support myself, met my boyfriend (LDR), unofficially graduated uni. Rarely talk to my parents, because I hate them, feel like they’re strangers, but at the same time I also feel extremely guilty…

While they provided me everything growing up, I just grew to hate them. I hate how I’m still bothered by this till today… I had ignored their text and calls, but this guilt… Agh.

Just wanted to rant in this safe space because I get depressed every time I think about them… It’s even affecting my decision to have children because Idk if I’ll be able to love them.