i avoid opening up to people on a deeper level because an emotionally abusive ex has done that to me in the past, and i felt like i was forced to get more attached to them, to feel sorry for them, to pity them, they desperately needed that. (same traumas being brought up all the time). i felt played with, i felt manipulated. i felt like i was violently drawn into their bubble. i liked it in the moment, because i had nothing interesting to do with my life back then and obsessing over somebody was a quick fix,, but it kinda broke me after the break up. i don't want to do that to anyone, i don't want anyone to think i'm trying to manipulate them by oversharing, so i keep everything to myself. and i feel like holding so much shit inside is going to be the end of me one day.

seeing a therapist is great but it's not the same as talking to someone you really care for.

i don't know when "genuinely opening up to a friend" became "manipulation" in my head. i don't even take myself seriously when i do open up, words sound too silly coming out of my mouth and i turn everything into a joke or i quickly change the topic, or i just oversimplify or minimalize my struggles.

anybody else feels this way or does something like this?