This is my second relationship. My previous one lasted 3 years before he left me because he couldn't handle me. It was genuinely the worst time in my life. I cried solidly for about 3 months and dropped a lot of weight. The pain was immeasurable and now I'm potentially facing it again.

I love this guy so so much and I trust him but I keep having these horrible mood swings and I keep splitting on him and acting out horribly. We've been pretty much living together but now he's sent me away and said he wants me to leave him alone for a few weeks. He says that he can't handle me constantly blowing up &amp; not trusting him. I don't know how to get across to him that I do trust him 99% of the time but then something goes wrong and I get paranoid and convince myself he's a bad person. I don't want to mention BPD as there's so much stigma attached and so many misconceptions.  I tell him that I do trust him but he just doesn't believe me at all anymore.

I also really struggle with alcohol and have decided multiple times to stop drinking. However, I'll do it for like a week then I get over-confident and think I can handle it. This inevitably turns into a MASSIVE crying sobbing argument. It's like I have zero control. I feel like I'm making excuses and I know it's my responsibility but I honestly feel so out of control.

He says he still wants to be with me but I think he will change his mind in the coming weeks. I can't stand myself for ruining what should be a wonderful relationship. I honestly hate myself for the way I behave and yet can't seem to stop myself. I'm not on any meds at the moment and unfortunately, therapy and dbt is super expensive. 

I'm honestly at a loss for what to do. I'm alone at home and have just been crying all day. I feel like I'm just waiting for the inevitable breakup. I don't have a job at the moment so I'm just going to be at home by myself for the next couple of weeks. All I want to do is call him up and message him but I'm worried that this will push him further away. 

I'm in so so so much pain I feel like I'm going to explode. I don't know what to do.