I'm not going to get into all the details of what's been going on because it's a huge mess and I think talking about it in detail is just going to make me feel even worse. What I do want to say though is that I feel like my heart was ripped out of my chest. I don't even know what to do right now and I have no idea how to cope. I feel like I've forgotten everything I've learned in therapy and none of it matters anyway because this is everything I've been terrified of.  I don't know how I'm ever going to trust anyone again and I don't really want to either. Trust is what landed me in this situation. I'd rather be physically injured than deal with pain this bad. I want to be alone. I want support. I want this to all be a nightmare. I want to feel better. Everything was fine the other day. I trusted him so much and despite all of my problems I really believed he wouldn't leave. I don't understand how this happened.

You know, I've never been able to lucid dream, but I've always wanted to. Today I laid in bed for hours just crying and trying to sleep, and when I finally did I had a dream that I woke up to a text from him saying it was all a misunderstanding, and basically that everything was alright. I realized that I was dreaming because the timestamps were drastically off (there's no way I could have possibly slept for nearly 24hrs) and I forced myself to wake up because even though it felt amazing to know my best friend still wanted me in his life, I knew it wasn't real, and if I stayed asleep it would just hurt more when I finally woke up. The way it felt to go from that euphoria to waking up to reality is indescribable. I literally keeled over from the pain in my chest. I'm miserable.

Even if our friendship isn't over I don't know how we can come back from this. How the fuck do you go from being told that you're the best thing to ever happened to someone to this in a matter of days? It's like I have emotional whiplash. I can't wrap my head around it.

In all honesty, this relationship wasn't the healthiest. I made a lot of bad decisions and my attachment wasn't healthy at all but holy shit, I didn't want it to end. I still don't. I care about him so much. Some people would say that this is for the best, and I guess he'd be one of them, but I don't understand how anything that's for the best could feel like this. I'm shattered.

We work together. I think I'm going to transfer. Two days in a row now I've had to leave early because I was too distraught to stay and I need to call out tonight, there's just no way I can go in. Obviously this isn't sustainable. Hearing him talk to other people and seeing him act fine when I'm devastated and absolutely miserable feels like a punch to the gut. Every time I see him there I feel like I was stabbed in the chest. The past two days I cried almost the whole time I was there. I'm so worried about who might know about the situation and what they're saying about me. My coworkers are avoiding me. I can't work there anymore. Everything was fine three days ago.

I feel terrible reaching out to other people because I fucking sidelined everyone while prioritizing him. I always do this. I hate this disorder and I hate myself. I love people but I wish I was fit to be alone. I'm tired of being hurt and hurting others. I just want to feel okay again. I'm dreading when I finally stop crying because I know after that I'll have to deal with the emptiness. I wish something could effectively distract me right now but nothing's working. I can't sleep either. I just want to fast forward to the point where I feel better.