And I'm somehow still going. Without a doubt this "breakup" has been one of the most emotionally painful things I've had to deal with in my life. Some days I feel like I'm finally over him but most days I still miss him so badly.

But I'm still alive and living alone. I'm still in college (the semester is finally over next week hell yes) and I get good grades. I haven't found a new fp but I have made a few friends who I talk to at school so it's not like I'm completely alone. I am alone at my apartment though and that's when I get lonely and break down because I miss him, and I'm anticipating the holidays being hard without him.

I did something bad and broke no contact this month. I tried apologizing for my horrible clingy behavior. He left me on read but it's probably for the better...

Still, I think I want to try to contact him one last time before the New Year, if he ignores me still I'll finally block him. That would probably make it so much easier for me to move on because I think part of the reason I'm having such a hard time letting go is because I still post on a private story only for him to see and I check his snapscore constantly.

I know it's probably hopeless but a big part of me just wants to try one more time. We were together for about a year and it was the most intense relationship I've ever had with anyone, so it's just really hard to let him go.

But anyway, I'm still alive....