I live abroad and usually only visit my home country in the summer and during Christmas holidays. You'd think that I'm homesick most of the year and super relieved whenever I get back home. Instead I get increasingly more anxious and start getting panic attacks. I'm not sure why that is. 

I have a pretty good relationship with my family and there's no clear trauma I can pinpoint. My mom keeps asking what my long term plans are and urges me to invest in an apartment in my home town with her. I guess she's indirectly trying to get me to move back to my home country sooner or later. I have no clear plans. I like my new country even though it's poorer than my birth country. I have a new job and a new boyfriend (I haven't told my family about the boyfriend, I think they'd be shocked in a negative way). 

I guess somehow I feel rootless in my home country. Obviously I still feel a strong connection to the place and the culture, but I'd have no direction in my home country. There's no next step for me there. 

I'm rambling. I guess I just needed to vent. Have a nice day!