I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do life feeling me this. I’m an empty shell. My personality revolves around my kids and my husband. If they are not happy I am not happy. My personality is literally wife and mother. 
I’m always thinking about how it could have been if my parents hadn’t put me through the abuse they did. How I would be normal. And not have depression anxiety and bpd. I’m so angry about it and I can’t let go of it. 
I’m on so much medication and I’m I still can barely function. I’m shit at any self control so we have no money and I can’t lose weight. 
I hate myself so much. Not just physically but personally. I can’t stand myself. 
I had my oldest at 19, when I still bought into the religion that said I couldn’t off myself. I thought that getting married and having kids would make me happy. 
Spoiler! It didn’t. And now I have two kids and I know what it does psychologically to kids to have a parent commit suicide and I absolutely will not do that to my kids. So I’m stuck here. 
My oldest already has anxiety and depression and I’m terrified of what my youngest will have. I hate that I passed mental illness on to them. 
I love them and I do everything for them, but I wish I hadn’t had them. I wish I had offed myself in my teens. Instead now I’m stuck here. 
I’m in individual therapy and I’m an eating disorder group for binge eating and in a dbt group. I have the tools I just can’t get myself to use them.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m hanging on by a thread. 
My symptoms of all three of my mental illnesses are so bad I can’t work anymore or have any friends. I literally stay in my house all day, cleaning or watching tv. I can’t even go shopping. 
I’m just so done with this. I wish I had never been born. I wish my dad would have decided not to have kids. I wish the doctors wouldn’t have given my mother a c section to save me. 
I wish I could just close my eyes and not wake up again.
My oldest is turning 15 tomorrow and im laying in bed crying instead of having dinner with my family bc I can’t stop crying.