Dear a special someone...

It's just this intense wave of sadness that just came along.

I realise how horrible i've been, for getting so defensive when there was no need, for pushing you away. I'm so sorry for everything i've done...

I'm just so scared that you're gonna leave my life forever, so I hold on as tightly as possible, so tight that it becomes unhealthy... But I truly do realise that I can't afford to lose someone like you. You are far too special. 

I'm sorry that I was alot to deal with, that you were never able to keep me happy. It wasn't your fault, and i'm sorry I put you through so much shit.

It was always me, I was the problem, a void of insecurity and deep emotional pain. I wasn't even happy with my own life. Something was killing me but I never knew what, so I continued to let it kill me... this deep subconscious pain that i'm still trying to figure out.

I wish I had been able to control myself, but my fears were greater than my strength. I never even consciously chose to lash out but I still continue to feel a pang of deep regret that I think will never leave.

Despite my behaviour, I still love you more than you think. I still long to spend my days with you, because I am so in love with you, and you mean so fucking much to me. You are truly someone special and I wish that I could fix everything.

I'm sorry, I really am. This is not who I am, this is not my personality. I am simply just so hurt by something. The pain may lessen but it will continue to be there chronically.