Don’t know why I fucking bothered at all. Don’t know how many times I’m gonna have to learn the same fucking lesson. I. HATE. PEOPLE. Always have. But I keep fucking forgetting, apparently. 

Struggle to connect to anyone. Only ever had one person I’d consider a friend and I don’t even talk to her anymore cause apparently my brain mistakes human decency and the smallest display of respect for romance and also skips straight past a crush, straight past love and all the way to venomous obsession. Has a way of ruining a friendship, I guess. Also has a way of ruining a persons desire to ever make another friend again. 

But apparently no one told my fucking brain any of that, cause it still craves that’s connection, that’s intimacy that it knows it can’t have. That most of my brain doesn’t even fucking *want*. Doesn’t matter how many times I have to endure being stuck in conversations with “friends” while I’m dissociating cause of how disconnected I feel from them, or how many times I’ve been dumb enough to get stuck at a party or a bar with a group of people who’s faces I can’t even recall when they’re sitting across from me just because I feel like I need to *force* myself to try having friends I clearly can’t have. 

Anyway, guess cause I’m still biologically a 22 year old male, I still have a sex drive and also because I begrudgingly have to accept I’m also human, I guess I still need intimacy. And since I have exactly zero friends or people in my life period, I resorted to Tinder. Started talking to a girl, eventually started to actually feel somewhat comfortable with her, I guess. I’ve got C-PTSD, and I dunno, she started to pull my into feeling some remnant of “safe” in our conversations. Started to consider it might actually lead to us meeting at some point so I forced myself to talk to her about the self-harm scars all over my body since I thought better she hear it before we meet. 

Anyway, thanks to the title, you probably already know how this goes so I’ll spare the fucking details. I got fucking catfished. Not a fucking shred of that person was real. Don’t know why the fuck I didn’t see it coming. Figures the one fucking time in years I let my guard down, I get immediately fucking punished for it. Guess that’s what I fucking get for not fucking learning ever. This whole species is fucked. 

To add salt in the wounds, that old friend of mine, one I was obsessed with, apparently finally decided this was the first Christmas since we met that she isn’t going to send me a text. It’s for the best, know I’ve gotta move on from her, I do know that. But I guess given everything it just feels like a final gut punch after barely surviving a cage fight with a fucking silverback gorilla hopped up on amphetamines. Just drives home I guess that I miss how things used to be with her, before I poisoned it with the black fucking tar that runs through my veins and corrupts everything fucking touch. 

Anyway, maybe this time I’ll learn my fucking lesson. Maybe I should carve it into my fucking skin to remind me. At this point all I wanna do is somehow save enough money to move as far as fucking possible away from people, say fuck you to the whole world and spend my days drinking myself into and early fucking grave.