Hi I am 19 currently going to a psychiatrist for 6 months. 

I been dating my boyfriend (19) for close to 3 months. Its a long distance relationship but i know he loves me deeply and i love him deeply (maybe). 

Anyone here have experience with self sabotaging. I don't want to and i know its wrong, i feel guilty for it but i keep doing it to my relationship everytime i feel a slight change in his behaviour (he might be just sleepy or came back from work or school or have period of mood swings) i feel so insecure, frustrated, angry at who, at what i dont know. 

I say every mean things, i give him a silent treatment, make him think that i hate him, make him hate me. I feel both clingy and just 'disappear from my life, leave me alone' feeling. Its very hard to describe.  

I feel that im very very toxic and i shouldnt date anyone and my friend agreed. I told him a few times before that we should break up and if he wants to i wont disagree because i cant see why anyone wants to be with someone toxic like me.

I am diagnosed persistent depression disorder but recently i told my psychiatrist that i might have bpd traits but she didnt comment on it at all...now im doubting if im just a broken, malfunctioned person again