This is gonna be a long test post with terrible grammar and punctuation, be warned for those who decide to read. New to the reddit, more of a silent sufferer. Little bit of back story for childhood trauma before I get into the juicy stuff. I'm now a 27 male, parents divorced, dad got remarried. Step brother raped and step mother tried to kill me, father didn't believe me or my siblings. Step mother continually stalks my family till to this day 20 some odd years later. Father was allowed to keep on contact with us after the incident but refused since he couldn't bring his new family. #love 

This initially started my cycle of depression, I a 7/8 year old had a mental breakdown obviously. One of the people who were supposed to love you unconditionally just dipped for people he's known for 2 years. I started acting out in school, and progressively got angrier/ sadder to the point where I threatened to kill myself and everyone else at a school Assembly.... This was in third grade.. sent to a psych ward for a little less than a year. Given a bunch of anti psychotics and depression meds. My mom remarried about the same time as my bio father (forgot to add that in) we moved states for a fresh start. Meds weren't really doing much, didn't talk in therapy at all because it was always family therapy and I didn't want to trigger my family so I kept everything inside and my appointments with the pschytrist we're always the same Convo, " how are the meds? Still sad? How was school? Any suicidal thoughts"  then they were either upped or kept the same. 

Growing up it was the same thing, i was the middle child in a family of 3 then plus 2 throughout the years. I was usually ignored except for my iep meetings or therapy appointments, and that was usually them just saying how broken I am(or how I took it) anytime I tried to express anything emotions or a distaste for someone to my parents I was told that's not true or you shouldn't feel that way. It got to the point where I just stopped expressing myself. Started acting out in school to get some rise out of people and just experience any sort of validation from people. But deep down I still felt like garbage, I hated myself, and I never tried to improve myself because I felt like I couldn't. 

Fast forward to graduation, started making friends graduated and went to college. Dropped out because I have no ambitions to do anything. Then moved out and got a job, lost that job and I kept getting job after job. Then I kept losing job after job. I kept giving everything to that job, when I was at work and working my ass off I wasn't in my head, I didn't think about anything, there were no racing thoughts of suicide, no fear of the pain I cause people by being around them, no aniexty about that thing I did once 15 years ago. It was just work, however each and every time I burnt myself out to the point where I hated the job and hated everyone who worked there. Quitting and finding another one, I've had probably over 50 jobs since I was 19. (My resume says 5) I was easily able to keep finding other jobs because I can do whatever and use one of my fake personalities to give a great first impression and tell the hiring manager what they want to hear. About 7 months ago I finally hit my breaking point,  I was in a job paying me 30 bucks an hour plus over time. I was working 100 hours a week making bank, but also paying off a bunch of loans since I was out of employment for some time. I just snapped, I wasn't angry at the job, I was angry at myself. I felt like the biggest failure, I felt like I couldn't do anything, that my existence was a burden on everyone around me. So I walked up to my bosses office tossed my keys on her desk and walked away without a single word. I went home with the intent to end it all, I had nothing, no friends, no job, I was a burden to my family,  I can't even begin to explain the pain I felt. I went home grabbed a bunch of meds, I called my parents house to say goodbye, i started crying. For the first time (or at least it felt like it) my father understood me and I felt liked he cared about what I was feeling and told me not to do anything that will figure it out. So I didn't, I just kept on trucking, I was told that it would literally kill my mother and sister if I did and that's selfish (Not helpful words to say btw) but it helped me.... For a bit.

I got another job did the same thing I always did, and kept on ignoring my problems LIKE A RESPONSIBLE ADULT. Then I woke up one morning on my day off and all that pain came back, and I decided I was going to do it, but I couldn't. So I contacted to suicide hotline for someone to listen, but all they could do was keep asking the same question "are you going to harm yourself?" Over and over in different ways, so I hung up and cried till the cops came. They gave me the choice to go willing to the hospital and be out in a couple hours or go by force. 

I went willing waited in the ER for 5 hours before a psychiatrist came to me, she asked 5 questions said " ok here's what's gonna happen, it's the weekend but Monday morning you're going to the psych ward" it took me that entire weekend to convince the employees at the psych ward and the psychiatrist not to make me go. 

After leaving I wasn't able to find a job, so my mental health kept deteriorating, I put on a shit ton of weight because I couldn't leave my room, all I did was stare at my ceiling and eat/sleep/ contemplate everything. My head was racing with thoughts about everything. My parents started paying my rent because I ran out of money, which made me feel worse and everytime I want to kill myself I stopped myself because of my family, then I proceeded to punch myself over and over again. I believe I deserve the pain, I believe I don't deserve to be alive. The worst part is I sometimes wish my sister was never born because then I could die, and I hate myself more for having that thought. Everyday I just hated myself more and more and kept getting more and more rejection letters from jobs, and therapists not accepting clients because we're in a pandemic so they're booked. I couldn't even look in a mirror because I'm just disgusted by myself, I feel ugly inside and out. Recently my lease ended and my parents had to get me a new place in a different town, and I keep getting denied jobs. I feel so incredibly broken, and I feel like I can't be helped, I had a couple therapists that accepted my insurance and when I explained the surface of my situation their response was " I'm sorry, I don't think I can help you" ( which I hear as you're broken) and each and every day is absolute agony, every second is pure hatred and sadness and this immense pain in my stomach and chest of emptiness. I want to pain to go away and I wish and I don't know. It's just absolute hell on earth and I can't express it to people cause they have their own situations and it depresses them, so instead I post on a subreddit. T

Thank you all for reading.