On July 11th 2021, my father passed away from covid complications. His lungs became what the nurses described as "concrete lungs" to my family. He had been in the hospital for two weeks before he died and he was on a ventilator for like 5 days before also. 

I never realized growing up that he was my only stable parent. He was in and out of my life a little while i was young (my mothers wishes) but stuck around to be in our lives as much as he was allowed. A backstory; my parents had many domestic violence disputes, they hit, headbutt, pushed and choked each other many times Infront of me and while I was not around, (i was even put in foster care while i was a toddler) so they were on and off for most of my life.

Anyways, my mom had been arrested for the first time when i was 11. She was on drugs and stole money from my brothers football team since she was the treasurer. As bad as this sounds, she isn't a terrible mother. She is very sociable and always got along with my friends and new strangers we've met. She is also very understanding and unjudgmental about mistakes we (her kids make) considering she had made ALL of them before.

She is also ADHD, Bi-polar and very self-victimizing though.

When she was locked up, my dad took care of us. He always had. He sheltered me, his first-born daughter, without being overbearing. Any picture of the two of us, i was smiling as big as i possibly could. He cried when he found out my older half-brother (my moms kid not his) molested me for years, and he even tried to get him locked up. He always said he would've killed him if he had ever seen him again. He was my rock, he made me keep my grades up, and helped me get involved with school when i wasn't social and didn't want to. 

I've always struggled with Anxiety but Anorexia and Depression in late middle / early high school too.

The night my dad died i got the phone call at my friend's house and i couldn't believe it. I was in shock and couldn't believe that in that moment i was in a world where my dad couldn't flash me his huge dimples or geek out about Georgia football ever again. He was made to be a girl dad. He never treated me different, and always handled girl problems very well.

I'm not in college yet, but my friend is a year older than me, and her and her mom are both owners of medical marijuana cards. The first time i ever came close to pot was this night, and i have been high every. single. day. since like August. 

Im not suicidal. I have thoughts about wanting to be dead, and often wish i had never been born at all. But ever since my Dad (then his mom, my nana died 5 months after him) I have been scared shitless about death and dying, when i had always been pretty fearless. 

Honestly, every day i think about it. I feel trapped in my own mind and so very lonely. Even when im dating, or with friends. Ive lost two people that mean more to me than the world, and i cant even keep a relationship with men i love because I'm so afraid of it becoming what i watched my parents have. 

What if i become like my mother?

Being high is the only thing that helps. I never want to drink and never have. I've also yet to try anything other than pot and delta 8 (which is very similar, just legal). I pray and read scripture when i can, but it still doesn't give me the comfort i need. Maybe I'm doing it wrong.