Well here it goes sorry if its confusing i have a hard time speaking or writing what i feel. 

Growing up there was a lot of verbal trauma. A lot of it became be damned if you be damned if you don't. Mostly my sister put herself above everybody and would always make my father angry with us and then defend us. Took me a while to see it. She made me a defect child to them. That I tried too hard to show them I wasn't that made me give up on myself and all these pessimistic thoughts wouldn't go away. It got to the point I would hurt myself looking back I regret  it so bad. Then she moved and it seemed to get better but now I am a shell of a person I was and dreamed of as a child.

But other things such as my mother making me afraid of speaking up to my father has now made hard to be assertive. I shy away or have anxiety attack when I need to tell or ask someone something. 

Expressing myself is the hardest. As a child my parents would tell me to tell them how I feel something it would lead to me crying. Then I would get yelled at for crying. It got to the point where I became cold. Then I was being yelled at for not expressing myself and being cold towards them. Then led to selfharm because I had no one to talk to at the time

My dad was a drunk breaking door and punching holes in walls. Every time he was drunk I would hide in my room and listen to music or play games to hide away. He's changed now and that makes me happy because he is finally trying to be a dad and I am giving him the chance. But well I am still kinda traumatized and want to stay away from beer or drunk people 

Drawing was a way to express myself but then I damaged nerves on my hand that limits the time I can draw until it causes pain and after some time that started to make me sad that I didn't want to draw anymore so I didn't have an outlet. Trying again but I end up crying sometimes because I lost so much skill I had put into it.


I know live with my s/o which gets a little hard because I am hard on myself all these social standards. Even though I know my s/o loves me and is faithful. I feel like I am not good enough for him and I starts to lead down a dark tunnel where I start thinking about my past and past urges start to resurface and it's hard to ignore them. And with my past I sometimes have it hard to verbally express myself with him. 

At the moment I can't afford therapy. But once I can I will get it.