I wrote this post once already, but something happened and it disappeared without posting so I’ll try to say it clearly again. 

Long story short, I don’t think I have BPD. 

I was diagnosed fairly recently, I posted about it here I believe. The diagnosing clinician had life get lifey and had to move to another state fairly suddenly. I am transitioning to a new clinician, building rapport, etc. We’ve been discussing my several diagnoses, and reviewing this one in particular. 

I went through a period of deep depressive states and inspection, re-examining my past as I understand it through the lens of bpd, wondering where I may have a distorted understanding of what happened. I found a lot of value in that, and a lot of pain recognizing where I’ve hurt people and how, in ways I hadn’t even considered before… but I didn’t find these things consistently through my life. 

I had mostly accepted that if it’s helpful then it helps, and help is what I’m there for - and I can sort of see how the dsm description fits, so I must just have a less common way of manifesting bpd, she’s the clinician and I have been trying to have faith in the process, y’know?

But I have found very little resonance with the kinds of things that get discussed here and a couple other bpd spaces I’ve found online elsewhere. I thought, maybe I have a less common subtype, petulant fits better than the others, maybe, but still not really… I’m so sorry y’all struggle with this, it seems so hard… I just don’t think it’s what I’m struggling with. 

I feel like my previous clinician was hearing hoof beats and looking for zebras. Her specialty is one that may emphasize personality disorders, but my understanding is that bpd is rigid across time and circumstance - and these aren’t things that are always struggles for me. Given the other things I’m diagnosed with and the circumstances I’m dealing with, the behaviors and thoughts and feelings I’m struggling with can all be understood through my other diagnoses. I don’t know what I’m hoping for with this post, I just… I just don’t think or feel that I belong here.

I don’t know. Maybe I’ll find myself here yet.