It’s hard to find purpose. My brain hates me and I often just want to fucking off myself and get it over with. It’s getting harder to quiet that part of me and I just don’t know what to do. My mask is getting incredibly heavy. I can’t hold a stable job, medication and talking to someone hasn’t really helped. I’ll feel great one day or maybe three and then back down into a spiral and it’s like I have no control. I know that I have people who love me and want the best for me and this idea that I want to kill myself hurts them. Sometimes I feel like my  tendency to be a people pleaser is the only thing that has kept me alive. But I’m starting to scare myself because I feel like I’m starting to not give a fuck. About anything. I’m just zoned out all day, can’t get out of my head, convincing myself that people would be fine or maybe even better off without me. What is that? Why? What the fuck is wrong with me?