I am diagnosed adhd, but suffer from depression and anxiety aswell although not clinically diagnosed. I take vyvanse and sertraline. I am feeling much better now than i was 5 months ago before i started sertraline. But I am still not right. I don't feel sad and negative anymore as my average/standard mood use to be, i feel pretty neutral but also kinda numb. I do also feel more sensitive downstairs which has been great and I am finding I am enjoying life and everything a lot more. The dark nights and miserable  weather of winter hit me hard and made me depressed for a while but I'm coming round to it now. 

Starting from my last year of uni in the school year 2018/2019 I started ordering codeine linctus online, to make what they call lean or purple drank. I'd use it for like a week or so every couple of months, i just liked how it made me feel. Imo it was more subtle than weed and nicer than alcohol too as i felt great but was still able to function as normal. It makes me feel warm and good inside. I occasionally had it for fun but mostly had it when i was in pain or was ill as its a good pick me up. Now i stopped this about 1¼ year ago, mainly because you could no longer get it online or over the counter in most places. About half a year ago my gf got a crap load of codeine as co-codamol prescribed for her back. She gave quite a lot to me over the months. I went away 2 weekends ago and the week running upto it I had the shits so i got prescribed codeine by my doctor, as nothing else works for me genuinely, not buscopan or immodium or anything. I got 56x15mg tablets. I finished the last of it today, 75mg. 

The thing is, i feel much happier when i take it, i feel more in the moment and relaxed. I'm so anxious all the time and don't know my own mind, most of the time i can't tell how i feel about stuff and it's horrible and kinda makes me want to die because i feel like I'm going insane. When i take codeine it makes me relaxed and know who I am and how i feel and don't constantly question and second guess myself.

Obviously I know this is bad in the long term, and I don't want to become addicted but idek what to do idk what's wrong with me