Hi r/bpd, I need your insights I think. As a  bit of background, I'm someone with spd and my partner has bpd. We have been together for 11 years now and he is the love of my life and I want to keep it that way. 

The problem I am encountering, is all the emotional turmoil that his friendship with another girl seems to be causing. I probably don't have all the facts, but from my end, it looks like she is using him (asking for loans she doesn't pay back, rides in the dead of night ... and then she disappears when he shows up, etc) and when she gets what she wants, she just proceeds to ignore him. She also makes promises and breaks them, which I understand is probably 100 times worse for someone with bpd because it fees like betrayal and rejection. It's also pretty clear she has a drinking problem and when drunk has said some pretty harsh and mean things and predictably, booze leads to cancelled plans because she is too hung over and such.

If someone had done 10% of that to me, they would have received a resounding "no", "grow up" and "get out of my life" fairly quickly. But my s.o. is somehow unable to say no, because her friendship is so important to him. But the drama creates these cycles of happines followed by despair and suicidal ideation and intrusive thoughts. It kills me to see him going through so muc pain.

I want him to be happy and for him to have successful friendship yet the way I see it, it's almost like an abusive relationship. He won't say no because he tries to win her friendship and she in turn takes it for granted and treats him like dirt. Now I have no doubts that he in turn has said some harsh things to her. No illusions about him being an angel. But in this case, it really isn't "just the BPD". 

And in there I'm torn. It's hard to challenge his feelings of rejection because really, she is treating him like dirt. She is being mean and many of the things she's done are inexcusable and unexplanable. The mama bear part of me wants to rile up and tell this person exactly what I think and to either start behaving decently and get her shit together or get out of our lives. 

But it's also not my friendhip and as much as I doubt there is much hope for said friendship, I don't want to be the straw that breaks the camel's back. Or maybe I should, for his own good. But isn't that being overly paternalistic? He's an adult too and I don't want to end up being controlling either. I don't think relationships are healthy if they are based on control.  

I'm at a bit of a loss as to how best to help my boyfriend in this sort of instance. Part of me wants to defend him tooth and nail and part of me is afraid of being intrusive. Any insights would be awesome. 

Thank you