Basically I still can't cope. I just can't.  This year has been hell. I work in a hospital and seeing all the covid patients is fucking me up, the beeping machines. The paranoia of someone having covid. I can't handle it. My boss has been trying to pressure me to work in ICU but I refuse saying I can't handle it. She is now punishing me for refusing now I don't think I can handle my job. I keep getting violent and losing my shit or having to go home because I feel like I am gonna vomit or scream. I can't cope with it.

Not only that. I am locked down on my own, no friends , nothing. I don't have anyone. My best mate left me at the start of the year and I relied on her so much. Absolutely adored her, valued her. I thought I could trust her she helped me to do normal things like go to the shop, go out to eat.  Now she's gone. My only friend fucking gone. I can't get over that. I fucking hate her for what she's done. I told her I got into a fight and got raped and she was never fucking there for me when I needed her the most !!!!!

I am just drawn to drinking all the time. I have so many wine bottles and whisky bottles piling up in my room all I can think about is booze. If I'm stressed I will drink. If I am scared I'll drink. To go outside, I will drink. I am so fucked. I have no appetite, no drive nothing. I feel so unwell and disconnected. I keep lashing out at everyone. Smashing up myself. Doing stupid things. I am so unstable I can't do this. I want someone to just punch me in the fucking face or abuse me to stop this pain I feel inside!!!
What do I???
I have a telephone doctors appointment tomorrow do i tell them how serious i have got. How bad i am. Or do i dampen down what I'm really like. I don't know , i feel like i am not important enough to be helped or cared for. Maybe just left to rot or something i don't know.

Sorry I just don't know what to say :( need advice or something because I am fucked !!!