
I had a breakdown yesterday where my thoughts kept spiralling. It started because I accepted a full time job that my relatives friend recommended me to. I don’t know why I froze up and just said what I thought they would want to hear during the interview and phone call without really thinking about my mental state. I should have realistically looked at my capabilities for a full time job. I only actually started a real ongoing job that was only once a week for 10 hours around two months ago. Currently I’m also struggling with my one uni subject as lockdown has killed my mental and physical well-being.

I started to get stressed after one day of training. The work wasn’t really overwhelming but I was scared I was taking on too much more than I could handle. I was scared they’d invest time to train me but I’d leave after a month. I was scared I’d forced myself to stay for three months but would eventually fail my uni subject and worsen in mental and physical health (if it worsens I’d honestly kms, I feel like I’m closer to that every single day). I was scared it’ll make my relatives friend look bad because she recommended me to the boss even thought she didn’t know me.

I ranted about it to my friend about how I screwed myself over and should have just said during the first phone call that I couldn’t take the job. It wasn’t like I didn’t want it when I applied, but I applied for it nearly two months ago when I was motivated and somewhat looked forward to a future. I told her I was scared about the future, how I get so easily stressed, how I have lost all appetite and stopped eating unless my mum would make me food and scold me. I told her that I’ve felt terrible for 7 years and I’m so tired. I told her if I had to live a life with no goal, no need for someone, no motivation but to just work a full time job for money then I’d stop wasting time and die young. I told her I’m tired of overthinking, of my extreme mood fluctuations and my over paranoid tendencies. How I envied people who are just happy with what they study or do for work. How I wish I could find a passion for something to stick to and finish, something that I genuinely enjoy and like and be happy like them. She told me she gets it’s harder with my mental issues but I don’t really know if people are happy inside like herself as she acts normal. However I didn’t mean to assume people are really happy as they appear outside, I know how that feels. What I envied was that these people could go through with their degrees or seem to have at least some actual interest in it because they’ve graduated and persevered, because they have opportunities and continue to advance. I told her of another case I saw where a girl I knew who did special effects makeup and dropped out in year 10 had a teaching degree and is doing her masters and had taught English in China. I felt ashamed that I couldn’t progress as fast despite finishing high school and probably starting my degree earlier. I said that I wish I found that spark in a degree that would help me advance fast because I found genuine interest and had a goal with it. She told me it was easy to teach English in China and that a teaching degree was easy. To me it’s not really a matter of easy or not it’s more like people seem to advance because they have a goal. I have no interest in any goals, studies, future careers anymore.

I don’t know if I am a overly sensitive baby but I felt like she was invalidating my emotions. She didn’t grasp the point I was trying to convey and now I feel like I was too overdramatic yesterday or that I overshared. Now I feel a bit reluctant to talk so much because people won’t understand how debilitating BPD issues are. Yes everyone can have a bad day or mood swings but to be from I hate myself so much, I’m going to overdose in a few minutes and jump to I’m actually ok 10 minutes after is exhausting since it would happen 1-3 times a day. How can I live like this forever, when I think I had a good day at work or a good start of the day, my body would react differently and I’d start crying and shaking or just feel suicidal. I get people without BPD have those days too but I don’t think they fluctuate in extremes. I always am afraid that I’m overdramatic and that my issues are nothing and everyone is like this but I’m just weak. I go between accepting that I have problems because of my diagnosis to I’m just lazy, unmotivated and goalless because my mum mostly provides for me.