So the past six months have been really really rough. The previous four months, I made my second close friend in 3-4 years, I got too close to her, got hit with medical issues, she gave me a cancer scare, had a cancer scare herself (she's a melanoma survivor,and suggested I get things checked, and I have a very high risk of cancer due to a genetic ribosomal defect and cancers I've seen in my family), and that started to destabilize me, along with a post degree I need employment crisis. Then my grandfather died NYE, and I had just gotten to the point I could share pretty much anything with him, the only real support I had in my family, and it took years to develop that relationship. I'm trans, he was actually my first support in my family for my queer issues.

That friend, the melanoma survivor, she also became a support, and then after my grandfather's death, much more a counsellor than a support. Then small shit happened, it became clear that a new group of friends, mutual friends from the organization we met through, wanted less and less to do with, and I had a few minor outbursts regarding not being able to figure out why everyone in every group I've ever been apart of avoids me. Then my health collapsed, the ribosomal defect kicked in, and I stopped being able to produce enough red cells to not need transfusions. I pretty much lost my ability to ground myself completely, and approached that scary boundary between dissociation and psychosis quite a bit. I was planning on ending my life via my disease, and started working through the things I wanted to do, got some acid through her partner, he gave me some additional stuff I wanted nothing to do with, tried both out, alone of course since I was afraid of my actions hurting other people, only to severely hurt them anyways. Between the two events, he wanted toning to do with me, blocked me on all channels (understandable), and she was in this awkward place of trying to distance herself and coming back when she needed me or she was helping me for tutoring. Then he and I ended up in the same class, and I couldn't find a way to keep my sanity being in a room where it was really really obvious he was doing everything he could to avoid me. I couldnt take it, my actions ended up driving her to the point where she wants nothing to do with me either.

That incident is worse than the previous two, one friend just drifted away, I understand why, but I'm alright with that one. My previous and only partner was definitely BPD, we slowly drove each other to the point where we couldn't stand each other.

Prior to that, a good friend who could have been a lifelong friend, I drifted away to get away from his beliefs. He became an evangelical preaching, I started to transition from male to female. We were ideologically incompatible. We were close friends for something like 10 years.

Previously, I had a close friend in elementary school, he moved away, tried to get in contact with me years later, and well, I was too unstable and intense for him, so we drifted apart.

At this point, I'm afraid to try and make new friends, the disaster that is close friendships is something I don't think I can continue to deal with, but I need new close friends. I can't deal with social isolation. I know I need a number of closer friends and an extended social circle if I am to be able to maintain anything, but I don't know how to build and maintain those friendships.i also view it as unethical to subject people to the same shit I have in the past. I have no idea what to do, but the thought of it continually pushes me to suiciidality. I need to do something for my sanity though.