So I realised I had BPD about just under a month ago. I had a mha a week ago so before then in preparation I typed up my whole life in bullet points from childhood to the present.

So for the childhood part I had to sit down and really think about stuff that happened and my thoughts as a kid.

A memory resurfaced of my cousin who I was close to as a kid, there was a 5 year age gap, him being older (I’m f24)

I remember him getting me to lie on his bed, stomach and face down, he got on top of me and dry humped me. I remember being really confused and didn’t understand why he did that, I don’t know what I asked him after but I do remember asking a question because I was confused to what just happened.

Before having to really think about my childhood I do recall thinking about that memory but dismissing it. Every so often I’d have dreams of him doing worse things, I hadn’t for a while but last night I had one of those bad dreams again.

I know the actual situation could’ve gone a lot worse but it’s so upsetting remembering it so clearly now, I spent a lot of time with him as a kid and we got along really well, apart from that time and a couple other times where he was nasty to me. In the past I’ve gotten triggered if a sexual partner does the same position. 

It’s got to be like 12 years since I saw him, we never got into contact since then. I looked him up and know his Instagram and Facebook. The nurse said it’s up to me if I get into contact with him but he might not even remember that it happened. 

That’s the only one time I can remember regarding that kind of thing, I’m pretty sure I’d remember something else happening, is there a chance I could’ve forgotten or blocked out other memories? I’m pretty sure I have a good memory regarding past events so I think it’s unlikely.