Ived been in therapy for a little over a year with the best therapist I’ve ever had(therapist #7 for me). I’ve tried antidepressants and antipsychotics. I sleep 7 hours a day and exercise for an hour 5 out of 7 days of the week. I try to eat healthy. I’m 5 months clean. Currently unemployed. Student during the school year. I have no desire to finish my degree or anything really. I have been depressed as long as I can remember. Completing my ADLs is all a manage to do most days right now. I started having suicidal thoughts in elementary school. 21 now and have continuous intrusive thoughts about hurting myself,negative core beliefs, and about adverse childhood experiences. I’m getting to the end of my rope. I’ve made plans before but this time feels different. 

The only thing that has ever helped me is recreational drugs. But there costly and  while they provide huge mental relief they make physically super unwell.