On Mother's day of this year, I told my now husband that I was still in love with the father of my children and I didn't know what I wanted. I never meant any of it since that day was so bad and I had become accustomed to saying things I do not mean just to have peace. My mother was so toxic and unsupportive of my dreams or aspirations, I would say anything to get her to stop belittling me and forcing her wants on me. 

I felt like the only way to get out of hurtful encounters was to say things or do things that in the end made no sense. Bringing friends around proved difficult because I felt that they would believe my family over me. My family has a bad habit of talking to people I associate with alone and telling them "Oh you don't know them like I do." So I guess when hope seemed lost, I would just...push them away, because I thought they wouldn't like me anymore. 

My husband brought up what happened that day and I had a bit of an emotional break down. I went from depression, to aggression, to just being plain sad...

I love my husband more than anything, but I feel so guilty because I said such stupid meaningless words. I never loved the father of my children and was only with him for security. I needed someone to be there for me and fight for me, because I couldn't for myself.