I can’t kill myself because my sister will go into depression. I don’t want to live because I am
Burdening my family. I started focusing in my mental health and watching videos on self care. I am also going to start reading adulting books. I applied for a new job and topped up my resume. I am getting counselling and everything is going smoothly. But when I am not working, I come to the realization that I exist. Existence is so scary. And I hate my body. I took a video of myself working out to see if im in good form and i started crying because of how ugly i looked. And I realized im not even doing enough. I had a good cry then I ate some food and felt like shit. I took a shower and burned some scented candles. And now I am on my bed. Everyday that goes by feels mediocre and then downright depressing. I get anxiety attacks because I don’t know why i exist and why I am here. People just leave me and the ones that stay do so because they are lonely. I have NO real friends. Guys text me when they are horny on anon apps and it makes me feel so repulsed. I really can’t live. I am so bad at living. And honestly I am just tired. 

A couple days ago I read this post that said “I woke up this morning to my husband cooking eggs and bacon. My children were sleeping peacefully and everything was perfect. I didn’t think this day would come after the shitty childhood I had. But you need to believe in yourself and believe that the right person will come to you.” It said something along these lines. And middle school me hoped and dreamed for a future like this. But after going through heartbreak, I hate that I am even alive. I lost all hope in love. I know people will leave me. Nothing is constant. I hate my life. I want to die. But I will continue to live because I can’t hurt my sister like that. She means the world to me. I love her to death. But its so hard. I wish there was a way out. 

TL;DR But yeah sorry for the rant. If ya’ll can just talk abt ur day or sthing so I can feel like this has been read I’d appreciate that.