I'm beginning to wonder if I can ever have a happy and healthy relationship. Whenever I get close to someone and they get close to me and say things that make me feel good they become my favorite person. I've had two ex's and two unrequited "loves" and they were all my favorite person. I idealized them. They had qualities I really loved and I filled in the rest with fantasies. Eventually, by either my actions or theirs, they've all fallen apart except for this last one. She's an unrequited "love". She's my best friend. She's my safety and comfort. She's my everything. But she's also my trigger. When she's gone I'm abandoned, I'm not good enough, I'm ugly and broken. Even when she's here I'm trying to prove I'm good enough, that I deserve the fact that she accepts and loves every part of me. I want to be her everything. I want to be her favorite person. But I'm not and in reality she's not my everything either. She's not perfect. She suppresses her emotions, she doesn't make me laugh when we're together, she's almost painfully quiet sometimes, she's a lot of things I want but she's not some big things too. I want someone who makes me laugh and can talk to me for hours who is also everything she is. But she's still my favorite person. I have her way up on that pedestal. I want to be her everything. I don't want to be replaced. She's seeing someone and he might end up being her boyfriend or husband someday. It hurts so bad to write that. He's going to be more important than me someday, or someone is, and that feels unbearable. I don't know if I can do this. I feel like I'm suffocating and drownings without her. I think "maybe I should just leave and move on" "maybe I should find someone who feels the same way about me". But I had that with my ex's and it still wasn't enough. No matter how many times they said they weren't leaving I still felt all those triggers. So I think "what's the point in leaving? This is just going to keep happening. It's never going to be enough." As long as I have a favorite person I'm going to feel this way. I won't truly be able to be happy. I just don't know how to do this. I don't want to lose another person because I idealized them and couldn't handle it. I just don't know how to stop.