This was a sort of breakthrough in therapy recently. It’s something I’ve always known about consciously but have never admit as fully as I did today. 

I feel like my entire life I have had a revolving door of “imaginary friends” where I constantly feel a presence of someone watching what I’m doing/thinking/feeling and making conclusions about it. Like if I listen to an album my ex liked, I almost imagine he is watching and approving of/missing me. Or when I write in my journal, someone will surely read it later so I write in part to appeal to them. I have a REALLY hard time fully being in myself because of this. I work out conversations with this spectator taking on whatever form I need so I can feel prepared to, perhaps, confront someone, or just vent. When I was a kid, this sort of shapeshifter was sometimes God, or my mom, or Britney Spears. Whoever I wanted approval from. These days it’s usually my ex, but sometimes it’s my friends, coworkers, or even myself at a different age. 

To be clear, these are not hallucinations. Never do I believe the person is actually there. 

Anyone ever see the show Fleabag? I feel like her breaking the fourth wall to talk to us makes us that same exact thing. Just a thought. 

But yeah, I felt super embarrassed to admit it to my therapist because I think it makes me sound crazy but it’s actually quite common according to her. Overall I think the spectator is holding me back from living authentically. Even in complete privacy, I act to appeal to them. So I want to work on ridding myself if this “spiritual parasite” but it also feels like SUCH a massive part of me that I can’t remember a life without. 

So yeah - anyone else relate?