Hey,

so this is going to be a little bit longer because I want you as a reader to fully understand my situation. 

I never struggled with anxiety in my life until February last year. Im 20 years old, did my A-levels in 2019 and after that startet studying Computer Science. I quickly realised that it wasn't for me so I quit and went on a backpacking trip to Asia because I wanted to know more about myself and find my passion. Ive always been interested in psychology so I already had that in my mind when I went. I wanted to travel alone but a friend of mine was already there so we connected and traveled as a group. Nonetheless we had a great time together until suddenly at February 22th I had a weird feeling in my body. Its difficult to describe but it was very uncomfortable and felt strange. I never felt like that before. That night before I had my first trip on hash-cookies and it was a nice experience. I already smoked here and there the years before and never had a bad one. (Im telling you that because I don't think my anxiety was caused by that but maybe it helps to get a better picture of the whole situation.) I always was excited about the future but in that moment I felt disconnected from the world. At first I said to myself "Thats nothing big just let it go" but the next view days anxiety built up and at that point I was very scared. At the end of February I called my mum and just cried because I didn't know what was going on. I intrusively ruminated about my life to see if anything wasn't okay but there was nothing I could find. I went back and had only one goal: To find out what caused that strange feeling.  It scared me to hell that there was something I could not control. Looking back I think at the beginning of March 20 the strange feeling wasn't the problem anymore but the trauma it caused. I couldn't stop myself from ruminating about this topic and because I also read a book of C.G. Jung at that time I tried to project his ideas on myself. I went to the doctor several times to check my physical health (I even checked my brain) because as I said I wanted to find the root... After that I visited a psychotherapist but he couldn't solve my problem. 

Now something interesting happened. While a MRT of my brain was made the found a acute sinusitis. The doctor told that it wasn't really relevant but I still looked up in the Internet and found a story about a girl who had chronic sinusitis and also had some symptoms of anxiety. Because I also had teeth pain and bad skin in that area I thought 'perfect, that's it!' While thinking that I felt extremely relieved. I thought the problem is gone until another doctor told me again that its not possible that such a small infection can cause those symptoms. 

But what really messed my up where the intrusive thoughts that started to appear. Images appeared where something hurt me physically and I couldn't get rid of them. As you can image I was in panic. It was the first time I realised that I can't control my thoughts. I went on and started to get a variety of symptoms I read about in the Internet (having weird obsessive sensations in my body and so on). So basically a got anxiety symptoms of other people.

I did CBT on my own, mediated a lot and tried a few other therapists but nothing helped. Although I was fully aware of it I just couldn't control it. Everyday was mostly suffering... life changed completely for me. 

In Summer other symptoms of anxiety started to appear. Suddenly I was extremely scared of infecting someone with COVID-19, my mind told me that I could be pedophile, I was extremely scared to be the reason why someone else might suffer etc. to the point where I was really scared of doing wrong things in general. F. ex. not turning the lights off when Im not in a room.  I already tried lots of times to ignore those thoughts but although some symptoms vanish after some time I have the feeling that it isn't the solution so that is why Im writing this post.

I really want to get back on track so I am ready to face my anxiety to matter what it brings. My plan is to connect to my unconscious part in new ways by f. ex. by living in a monastery for some time to just turn inwards or by analysing my dreams. 

That might sound crazy to you but I feel a pull to discover such parts of myself although it also scares me but I need to find the root of my suffering.

Does anyone have some experience with turning inwards like I plan to do?