I'm diagnosed with BPD, among other things. And... I've always been kind of iffy about it, like "No, that's not me." because I'm related to people with BPD and I'm not like them. But then, I realize lately, I kind of am. I was as a teen, I kind of got better and assumed if I was, it was a "used to be" situation and not a "I am" situation. But lately I'm falling back into those ways and it's a constant struggle to \*not\* do those things.  


And I get that not all Borderline people are going to have the same traits as me, and I'm not generalizing everyone with BPD as manipulative. I just posted about this from an alt account in an advice forum, and half the comments were saying it sounds like BPD so I figured I'd come here.  


My problem is, I tend to want to... punish people, when they do something that hurts me. Even if it's not reasonable (not that I can tell what's reasonable anymore). It's less wanting them to hurt/be upset, and more wanting them to realize what they're doing to me/making me feel so that they'll stop and come back to me. One example of this, and the main reason I'm posting this, is my boyfriend.

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We're long distance, btw, so keep that in mind. When he talks to someone else, or his replies get slow, or he gets busy talking to someone that is not me, I am hurt. Offended that I'm not good enough for him, and I spiral into a state of "No one loves me, he's going to leave me, everyone leaves me" and it \*sucks\*. My initial instinct is to start replying to him with short replies, to be cold and curt with him, and to answer slowly so he knows something is wrong; I just want him to care about me again, as irrational as that is, and I know this would do it because it's worked in the past (in other relationships) and I know how he'll respond to things like that.

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I know this isn't healthy. I don't do it to him, but the urge, the impulse to do it feels natural and being talkative and friendly and warm with him despite that natural urge feels- unnatural. Like I'm forcing something. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to handle this. I'm intensely jealous of one of his friends in particular, but I don't know how rational it is. I don't know what's okay to feel and what isn't. I'm so stressed and exhausted with all this it's easier to just sleep all day than try and stay awake and handle my emotions.

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Any advice, at all, would be really, really welcome.