This is something I wrote while being very sad. I just have no one to talk to in my real life, and I needed to put my feeling out there. 


I don't know what to do anymore. I've gotten better, and better over the years, even without being diagnosed or tharapy. I was happy, and healthy. I had friends I liked, who liked me. I could more or less manage my anger, and sadness so I, and the people around me weren't all that affected. 

But over the last few years all of that has slowly been stripped away. I'm only getting worse. I tried to pretend it wasn't happening, that it was just me splitting, that I was being dramatic like I always am. I tried to explain it away in any way I could. The truth is I'm worse now than I have been in a long time. 

My boyfriend seems annoyed by my depression. He asks in scathing tones if I'm going to cry now. He treats my symptoms like characture flaws. He has told me he doesn't believe that I actually forget things. 

Let me be clear, my diteration has affected him most aside from myself. I am snippy, combative, fearful. I don't want to be near him. I understand why he is upset with me. I just. I don't know if I can heal with him in my life. He is always angry, at his boss, at video games, at me. 

I have broken up with partners before to try to take time to heal. I learned to be happy, healthy. But my relationship now is just as unfulfilling as my last one was. Nothing really seems to have been gained from my time alone. So I wonder if leaving him to 'find myself' will actually help. Maybe I just hate relationships. Maybe I am actually a lesbain. I don't know. I don't really know much of anything anymore. 

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired, and depressed, and everything feels like broken glass. I try to use every coping mechanism I've learned, and try new ones with my tharapist, but I just keep getting worse.