Hi everyone, before I start, I would just like to say that I am not using my BPD and Bipolar 2 disorder as an excuse for my actions, I just genuinely need some advice.
I’m an F(18) who has been dating an M(20) for almost two years. He has been my FP since the start of the relationship. I love him a lot, genuinely. I care about him a lot as well. But the thing is… whenever we fall out I have the biggest urge to cheat on him ( even though I love him) so I don’t understand how that even makes sense in my brain. I ended up doing it once after a fight, with my ex (who was my FP for a very long time before my bf). I was under the influence but the next day I regretted it sooo much and cried all day because I felt bad. Now recently, he has upset me and made me feel very rejected so the urge is rising up again and I am once again starting to talk to my ex. I hate myself for what I am doing. I know that I should tell him what I did and break up but I love him and i’m too attached to him to let go of our relationship. I know that I am being a horrible person but I just don’t think I can leave.