TW: Mentions suicide

&amp;#x200B;

I need help. I feel so stuck, like the world is turning and my loved ones are moving forward but I'm not going anywhere.

 I was first diagnosed with depression 10 years ago (I'm 23 now), I'm studying full time and I'm a full time mother. I've been on clinical placement for the last 7 weeks and I had a patient come in a couple weeks ago, a 14 year old who reminded me so much of myself at that age. This patient got me thinking, it's been 10 years since I was diagnosed and not much has changed in my life in regards to my depression. I'm still in as much emotional pain now as I was back then, only now I'm better at pretending that I'm not. 

The past 3 weeks have been the worst, I've been absolutely miserable and have spent the majority of that time just crying. It's really taken it's toll on my education and I worry immensely about it's impact on my child. 

I've already changed antidepressants and had my dosage increased twice over the past year and I know there's other things that I could do that might help but damn, it's hard when you can't find motivation or joy in anything. 

Lately I've been wishing I never had my son, that way I could kill myself and not have to leave him behind. He's the only reason that I'm still here. 

My partner doesn't help a great deal, he's an amazing person, he just doesn't know what to say or do to help, not that it's his job to help, but some support would be nice. 

I've been feeling incredibly lonely lately, my partner just wants to relax and smoke/game when he gets home from work and I completely understand that, I just wish that he'd make time for me too. I have nowhere else to turn, no family to talk to, no friends to confide in, and I've used up all available free counseling/therapist sessions (not that they really helped anyway).

It's exhausting being so miserable all the time and I want it to stop. I have exams tomorrow and haven't studied at all. 

I really feel like my life is just crumbling and there's nothing I can do about it at all, I have nowhere to turn for support or love or care and I'm really scared that this is what my life will be like forever.