Therapy’s been an absolute joke - grounding techniques aren’t helpful for violent panic attacks. I won’t take antidepressants because of my mother and sisters’ multiple suicide attempts on theirs. I can’t take sleep aids because they give me horrible nightmares. Due to the fact that from 17 to about 6 months ago, I was a heavy recreational drug user of just about everything you can imagine, they won’t prescribe me benzos. They’re the only things I’ve found that make me feel normal at all, the only things that level me out - help me keep my emotions under control and help me sleep. 

I’m so terribly lonely. She’s wonderful, but she’s two hours away and always busy, and I haven’t seen her in a month. The texts have become less frequent and significantly less invested &amp; interested. I know this feeling, I’ve been through it enough times before. 

I hate my roommates and the shithole I live in. I hate that I’ve applied for jobs for months and can’t get a call for an interview because of my shitty work history because of this debilitating bullshit. I don’t even want to sell my life for money, but I’m resigned to it because “I have to.” 

I don’t enjoy anything anymore. It all just feels like temporary distractions from this demon eating away at me. Nights are so much harder to get through. I don’t know how much longer I can bullshit myself into believing that this is all worth it.