I just need to vent 


This whole lack of identity thing is fucking exhasting. 
Its like, i look in the mirror and i know im the same person but it feels like a different person is looking back at me, even though i look the same.
I dont even know how to describe it.  


I remember last year i was so depressed, i was really struggling to find a hobby. I tried alot of things and gave up on a bunch of them bc it just didn't feel right, and if it did feel right, it sure didn't last long. I accidentally fell pregnant (im 18) I was really excited to be a mumma despite my age, ive seen other girls do it sucessfully and thought why cant i. 

Im not an angry person, i hate anything to do with that emotion, could be a cptsd thing but i dont get angry and i get upset when people are. I spent a lot of time reading about what i was to expect going through pregnancy and was cautious of what i was putting into my body, long story short i miscarried and wasn't the same for a good 6-7months. I cried most days, whenever i saw a newborn or pregnant woman i was filled with rage like i had never felt before. My partner initially didnt want it he tried to convince me to get an abortion and i wasn't going to have one which stressed him out a lot which in return stressed me out bc im a natural empath and i just felt so defeated he didnt want it, i felt like it was my fault and he wasnt commited to me. 


After the pregnancy ended i was paranoid i thought maybe he slipped something into my food to kill it. When i miscarried in hospital instead of comforting me he just kept complaining about when we can go home bc he had work in the morning. Anyways i was so lost nothing could fix me except the thought of getting pregnant again. To the point i basically melted down and got my boyfriend to promise me we would try again at the end of the year and i slowly got better from that day forward. 

im fully healed from that traumatic experience and glad i dont have a baby right now so that's a fucking trip. Although i think about it everyday and how old it would be. We broke up so im definitely not trying again anytime soon. 

I didnt know about my bpd tendencies until a few months ago, my doctor never told me i displayed traits i came across it on an old paper with my diagnoses on it, knowing me i fully held on to that diagnosis and was reading too much into it i almost let it become my identity which was a slippery slope downhill, i left this subreddit and stopped reading about it and tried to focus on how i felt before i came across the paper which seemed to work. 

The most prominent traits i notice in myself are

Impulsive, self-destructive behavior
Extreme emotional swings/splitting.
Fear of abandonment 
Chronic feelings of emptiness 
Unclear, shifting self image 
Paranoia
over analysing things. 
im not sure if this counts but existential depression 


 i almost feel a little manic at times. Like that i am batshit crazy when in reality im pretty high functioning. Im 18, have lived independently for well over 4 years. I work. And have a few good close relationships with friends. Sometimes i don't give myself enough credit for how far ive come. Its nice to remind yourself. Everyone check in with themselves and give yourself some credit💖 i cant be the only one. 


I dont know, i guess this all just comes down to the fact that i dont feel like my own person. I feel like everything about me is stolen from people ive met, i feel like there's no originality to me whatsoever. I know basic shit about myself 
I know i like to cook, garden and listen to music and which certain foods and tv shows i like but anything past that i just struggle to understand. Doesn't help that i literally look different in every photo of myself i hate dealing with the inconsistency of my appearance and not being remotely  good at anything. I wish i could sing or draw really well but i cant and i feel some kind of creative block all the time bc im naturally creative i just dont have an outlet for it that i enjoy and its frustrating. 

Right now im in love with the club scene and want to learn how to dj and do that as a career. But i feel like that will change soon. Last month i wanted to do kickboxing and the month before that i wanted to pursue naturopathic medicine and teach yoga so i dont fucking know. 

Anyway all my friends dont know a single thing about this, they know of my miscarriage but nothing to do with my mental health and i feel so misunderstood talking about it that venting to them doesnt even help. I'm 18f
from australia. Anyone wanna be friends &lt;3