I haven't heard anything from him for about four days now. The last phone call I had with him, I spent the whole time shouting because all I ever asked of him was to see things from my point of view. To just talk to me and not to isolate himself every time he felt down. Because when he would isolate himself, it would hurt me, a lot. Always making me wonder where I stood with him. I just told him it was over.

&amp;#x200B;

I feel like I've gone through all the stages of grief about 10 times in the past four days. I was talking to his best friend about it and he explained to me that my ex is probably very emotionally unavailable. And after reading all the symptoms, I can finally understand why he was always distant, even though I would always say that I am there for him. 

&amp;#x200B;

I sent him a text apologising for yelling and lashing out at him the other night and if he wanted to talk, that I am still here.

&amp;#x200B;

But that boat has well and truly sailed. And I can't seem to accept it. I can't eat. I can't even stand up without the whole world spinning and feeling like I'm going to throw up. This is the worst pain I have ever been in my life. I spent two whole days bawling my fucking eyes out and now I'm just too fucking exhausted and at this point, dehydrated to cry. I can barely even keep water down sometimes. 

&amp;#x200B;

I honestly don't know how I'm going to get through this. The only time I've left the house is to go buy more cigarettes. Even then, I don't think I was safe to drive in the state I was in. Everything is just a blur to me. The pain is like my body is slowly shutting down. Its fucking unbearable. 