things were going pretty ok for me for the first 17 years of my life. they weren’t perfect. my parents have been abusive my whole life but i was used to it, so i can say things were going okay. 

when i turned 16, i fell in love. my first love, i suppose. sometimes i doubt if it was even real. did i love him? or did i love being loved? i started going to university that year. i started two years early. things were going really well for me. i had my whole future planned out. 

april 16th, 2021

that was the day my world seemed to start falling apart. i’ll always remember that day because it was my 17th birthday. my boyfriend asked for a break, but i knew it was over. it took a couple weeks before he ended things for good.

the aftermath was …sad. i attempted suicide multiple times after that because i felt like i lost everything. i couldn’t feel happy anymore. i was miserable. 
 
fast forward a few months, it’s september. things have gotten significantly better. i’ve moved on from my ex. i don’t care about him anymore. i’m still depressed though. 

a month later, i fall in love again. as happy as it makes me, i can’t experience the happiness i felt a year before. i feel so miserable still and i attempt again (10/23)

a month after that, things with the person i loved fell apart. the aftermath of that wasn’t suicidal ideation but that’s because i never stopped feeling suicidal. the aftermath was mostly denial. 

fast forward to now, i think i’ve fallen out of love. i think i’ve moved on. despite that, I’m still so so so depressed.

i genuinely thought the suicidal thoughts would go away after i moved on from my first ex, but they didn’t. i thought they would go away after i fell in love again, but they didn’t. 

where did i go wrong? how does one break up that i’ve moved past hurt me so much. why can’t i go back to how i used to be??? 

i started this post off by saying i’m a failure and it’s true. 

i started college 2 years early and now all i want is to drop out. my mental health has made school such a hard thing to do. i’m disappointed in myself. my whole life i’ve pushed forward, but i can’t anymore. i want to drop out next year.

i’m wish i didn’t fall in love. i could’ve done so much to prevent it, but i didn’t want to. i don’t blame myself, i wanted someone to care for me and love me and i crumbled when he went away. i never fully recovered. 

getting into new relationships doesn’t make me not depressed. it doesn’t stop my suicidal thoughts. it’s a distraction. sometimes even a reason to get through the day. but that’s as far as it will go. 

i’m the reason i ended up depressed and i live with that guilt everyday. i don’t blame my first ever bf even though him leaving me catalyzed this. it’s my fault i’m this way and i have to live with that. 

i don’t know why i’m writing this. it’s so terribly long, i doubt anyone will read it. I just needed to get my thoughts out.