He’s truly the most incredible man I’ve ever known. I’ve never experienced anything even close to this kind of relationship. The highs are so high and the lows are lower than I can stand.

 
 
I’d really appreciate some insight into his reality. I think I need to end it for good and move on but the guilt is crushing. I love him so much. I can’t shake the possibility that there’s a way to get us to a better place and be a better partner to him and if I can, it could heal the parts of him that feel and act in such harmful ways.
 
 
I’ll try to be brief but give the gist of our relationship-
 
 
We’re both a couple years out of a decade long marriage. We met at a low point in our lives, still trying to pick of the pieces from our failed marriages. 
 
 
It was intense from the very beginning. He told me he loved me the first night. I could see it in his eyes that he believed it. He was infatuated with me and completely consumed with me from day one. We went from first date to couple immediately. Spent all of our time together. Took trips. He wrote me beautiful love letters and showered me in gifts. My apartment looked like someone died. Flowers everywhere. 

 
He started planning our future and talked often about the houses he was looking at for us, the life we would have. Romanticizing is as an old couple. It was a little weird… but in the best way. I thought it was just because it was us. That we’d found each other and that was that.
 
 
He told me he’d never truly been in love before. That he’d never felt real passion or intimacy and connection with any of his past partners. He said he married his ex because it felt like the next logical step and he cared about her as a friend. I didn’t like it. Seemed wrong for so many reasons that he was incapable of love until me. But I trusted him and now we were here and he was capable of loving me better than I’d ever known.
 
 
He was honest and remorseful that his marriage ended because he’d been caught cheating. He’s still friends with his ex and takes care of her and their child so I believed he was a good man that made a big mistake looking to fill a need he’d never had met. 
 
 
It didn’t take long for the fights to start. Usually about something so stupid that any normal couple would easily handle without hard feelings. He would tel me I was attacking him and hurl insults at me and say I wanted to start drama and make him my bitch. He’d deflect and always bring up something I said in the past that he’d now twisted around into something different and justified him now. 
 
 
It would spiral and get worse and worse and would always end in me sobbing and begging him to stop being mean and just care he was hurting me while he told me I was a horrible person and he never wanted to see me again. Then he’d block me and disappear for a day or two and come back with an apology about us not being able to understand each other, a love letter, flowers, etc.

He’d act like it was all something that happened to us and out of our control. Make it almost romantic and blame it on our intense love and need for each other. Mindfuck.

But I’d be so happy to have him back I’d just let it go and try to move forward. Any attempts at discussing it would result in the same thing again anyway. But then, a few weeks or month later, when I’d catch him in a lie or he’d do something to hurt my feelings, the same thing. And he’d use the last fight as the reason he was allowed to do it now. Having twisted it in his head to it all being my fault and I was a manipulative, cruel, calculated nasty woman that abused and attacked him to assert dominance over him.

 
The longer it went from the situation, the more he twisted it in his mind. 
 
 
Each fight escalated in intensity and took less to make him snap. We’ve both been walking on eggshells for awhile and my attempts to see and understand each other only cause him to detach and go back into hate mode.
 
 
I found out he met and had sex with a woman during one of the times be blocked me. The same night. After I’d broken down crying and begging him to be nice, he made a dating profile and met up with a woman and slept with her. We got back together a few days later but he continued to sleep with her for the next month. In his bed where I slept and we had sex. He would text me sweet love notes and tell me how much he missed me and make plans to see me the next day while I was at work and he was with her. He’d sleep with her, not even change the sheets, and then sleep with me the next day.

It made me physically sick when I found out. I couldn’t understand any of it. He became enraged and blamed me for making him cheat. Said it was my fault and he’d have never needed the love and affection of another woman if I hadn’t said and done the horrible things to push him there.
 
 
 
I’ve found out that pretty much everything he’s told me was a lie. He cheated multiple times in his marriage and lost a job for it. He was passionate and intense with every woman he’s dated and tells them he’s never felt anything like it before. I talked to the woman he dated before me and he said she was controlling and obsessed with him but she said it was the other way around. That she kept it casual but he declared his love and wrote her letters and wanted to marry him.

 
I just… I know it sounds like we never mattered but I don’t believe it. I think he probably felt an intensity and love for every woman that made him feel good and then detached afterward and made himself believe otherwise when he met the next.

I kind of believe he thinks he’s never felt this love before. I think he’s never felt loved in return. I think his lies and anger come from his desperation to be seen a certain way and adored for it. 
 
 
I believe he loved me like he said and really wanted that life with me. But I think he needed something from me that I couldn’t give him. Like a safety or acceptance. 
 
 
His soul is chaos but his heart is good and his mind is brilliant. I miss him so much. 
 
I’m hoping any men with BPD can give me some clarity or advice. If there’s a possibility to salvage this or a way to get him to see reality. 
 
 
Or tell me I’m wrong and how to end this for good. Because I know he’s going to pull me back in again and I can’t keep going through this.