First off saying all this and having a hovering "safety network" of people to protect me, I'm paranoid they will see this and talk to me about it or worse talk to eachother behind my back about this when all I want is to be left alone to figure life out... it is very possible since they are loving caring parents who know this subreddit, I have an ex that is actively on this sub who cares about my life who shall be known as red, and the fact that I'm listing all this info out will clearly illustrating that it's me...

Before you call me crazy, I'm dead ass tired, stressed, anxious and in a volatile mental state from what I'm about to tell you.

After I was EXTREMELY volatile with my most recent partner will call them blue, I had to leave for like the 7th time. Luckily blue is extremely understanding of what I did but that does not absolve me, or remove what I did from my memory. 

I am scarred I'll do it again and don't feel like I belong or get the privilege to live or be with anyone on this planet. All standards for morals and respect for other people flew out the window with that relationship. I know I have to work on myself before I can even begin to imagine a life with a partner. I just desperately want one and can't have that stong of connection with anyone rn.  

That drove me to attempting my life, landing me in the hospital. 

Well my parents thought it be good if I drove cross country to be with them once I got out to figure out life relationships and depression while safe... so I did.

Just getting out of the hospital i couldnt sleep right. But then I drove for 3 days and slept a good 3 hours before I got to my destination.

Twitchy and incoherent to standard conversation I arrived to try and have a wonderful evening. 

I flipped and yelled at my dad for psychoanalyzing the convo we were having about where to eat... i just did not care at all where we ate to the point that i was stuggling to hear the option..To make it worse earlier I made my mom sad for trying to cheer me up/comfort me setting up the depressing vibe for the evening. The evening progressed and I was dissociated with everything. 

It all reminded me of how I treated blue. How easily I could slip up and be mad. I know I'm exhausted and irrefutably irritable but I felt like I had a voice finally telling people how I felt. I've been so introverted with my long relationship with red, the one who may actively be trying to help my parents protect my life.

I'm pretty sure my father cried at dinner after my suicidal outburst with him. 

I realized I don't want to be here... in both mannerisms.

I have no money/the means to go back.

And now I'm laying here still awake afraid to face the nex tday of monotony and conversations I don't care about...

Edit: I decided to wait to post this till the morning. I got about 4 more hours of sleep and I'm still feeling pretty lost and overwhelmed... my only advice for myself is one day at a time.