So a few weeks ago I was diagnosed and it feels like it's just hitting me. 

I've been medicated for a couple of years now because it was always suspected. This disease runs rampant in both sides of my family, some family members medicated some not. You'd think after a couple of years the diagnosis wouldn't be hitting so hard. The only reason for the diagnosis was because I needed a med switch and I knew it. 

Anyways, now I feel like all of a sudden I know what the questions are to ask and it hit me all of a sudden that the shit that ended my previous 7 year relationship was mania. I'm pissed and upset that I lost my life with him because I'm a fucking psycho. I'm pissed and devastated that the woman who gave me this disease, my mother, isn't here to help me with it because she lost her battle with bipolar almost 2 years ago now. Her birthday is this month, the anniversary of her suicide is next and I'm stuck trying to make sense of my life and my mind after she left me alone to deal with it. I'm in the process of the med switch now so you can guess at the state of my brain.

I'm sick and I feel so alone and I just wish she was here. 💔