I am female, 22, and from a South East Asian country. 

I have signs such as feeling fatigue all the time, and have constant suicidal thoughts, like imagining myself being hit by a car, looking down from a high place and imagine jumping, and contemplating which would be the most painless way to go. 

* Sometimes I cry a lot and sometimes I can't cry, the world just feels numb and distant. Sometimes during my crying fits I would search on Google on how to die, and think of how I wish I could disappear without distressing my family members. 
* On many occasions I would feel very jittery and noises make me flinch, and I'm aware of people moving around, and I'm afraid of them somehow. 
* I can't focus on working even though I have my graduation thesis going on, most of the time I just feel that nothing matters anymore, and then beat myself up for being lazy and yet can't stop being unproductive. I can't act on anything, really, most of the times I just feel too fatigued and helpless to do anything. I just think of the future and think it is very pointless to struggle to move forward, because I'm going to ruin it and become useless anyway, because I can't muster up much motivation to do anything. And I lie to people I know because I can't bear them knowing how lazy and useless I am. I think they're gonna find out and leave me one day.
* I'm a mess at following a plan, or schedule, or rules. Most of the time I just feel they don't matter. I used to think they matter, I used to be star student and someone the teachers loved and everyone looked up to. Now I fade into the background and not knowing what to do with myself while everyone else is moving forward. 
* I have bouts of anger, sometimes. Even though they are irrational and unfair to the people around me, when they complain about how abnormal I am, and why can't I just be normal, and I know they're right, but my mind says something like "Why can't you let me be miserable in peace, get away from me"

These seems to be signs of depression, but the thing is I haven't gone to anywhere to check yet. The public health system in my country is still underdeveloped when it comes to mental issues, and I can't afford private therapy. So, I don't know, but my friends said I'm depressed.

The thing is, I've known someone who is clinically depressed and have gone on actual therapies. And going by the things she told me, she's had it much worse. She got into hysteric fits during which she's not aware of the environment anymore, she self-harmed, and she felt really awful, intense emotions. And I've read some other accounts, and they also mentioned self-harm. 

So, my question is, if I don't self-harm, am I depressed? Am I only being slightly depressed, or not depressed at all and lazy and making up reasons to not do stuff? I mean, I have had plenty of chance to kill myself, but I didn't act, so maybe I'm just being dramatic? I have a perpetually unemployed cousin that everybody hates, maybe that's genetics? If I continue to be like this forever, being dead would be better.

I would appreciate it if someone can tell me what is wrong with me. Thank you very much.