*[Apologies if this is the wrong sub; I'm undiagnosed but relate strongly to BPD symptoms. If this belongs in a different sub let me know which one!]*

Historically I've been ghosting (leaving without saying anything) friendships out of my own fear of being abandoned; leaving first means they can't leave me. I have such a huge fear of being left every time I have a good friendship. I think because of childhood trauma + suddenly/randomly being left by good friends in the past.

I just now pretty much tried to ruin an amazing friendship by exposing all my messed up thoughts, my neediness, and the extent of my worries and pain, hoping they'll see what they're really dealing with, so they'll leave me, so I can finally feel relief from all the crippling emotional pain from the uncertainty and worry of being abandoned. The abandonment will become real, and I won't have to worry anymore, it'll be over. That's my hope.

The idea of them almost certainly leaving once they see my crazy honest message feels...strangely comforting? Like maybe I am in control of something for once? I can't quite put my finger on why I feel better and "comforted."

But, it occurred to me there's a small chance they might not leave me because they've always been so dang supportive. But I'm trying my best to "make" them leave me. Like, giving them all the reasons lol. I hope it works. I also hope it doesn't work because :( I will miss them if they leave. But if they stay, wtf do I do... I can't ask them to walk on my eggshells, that's not right.