So, my life has been very tumultuous. Starting with my parents... My father abandoned me and my sister when we were children.. Hes never been in our lives. My mother raised me but I believe she is Narcissistic. One of many memories I have as a child is crying intensely one afternoon because my mom convinced me she smoked crack when she was pregnant with me and I was therefore a crack baby. She laughed at me as I cried. This past Christmas we went to the mall and decided to go into Footlocker and she told me i can pick out any pair of shoes I wanted under 150.00. So I did, but when I told her I found a pair she started laughing and said "you know I'm not buying you any shoes". She does things like this a lot. Sometimes she even laughs at my misfortunes. 
But I have apart of her in me that I cant deny. I laugh at uncomfortable moments, and sometimes at others issues. I sometimes antagonize, manipulate, use and pick with people to get reactions or get them to do something. I play mind games with people and cause drama within people to watch them argue or fight. It's like a high for me. It feeds something within me, AND IM NOT HAPPY TO ADMIT. Sometimes I feel so dark and evil, and other times like a innocent little boy in a adult's body.

I have been abused physically and mentally, and I guess sexually too. I was almost beaten to death by my older cousin while out drinking when I was 17. His older friend tried to rape me in the back seat of his car, which has caused me to be very anxious all the time and small situations like going to the grocery store makes me paranoid, like people are watching me, or staring at me or want to hurt me. 

I also have been very promiscuous for some time. I have had unprotected sex with random women I meet online or at bars, parties etc. I've found I do this more when I am bored, or lonely, or feel unworthy, or something happens in my life that makes me feel disgusting. I've had sex with over 45 women "that I can remember" and I am only in my mid 20s. At least 25 of those women were in one year.

I am currently out of work right now and have been for the last 6 months because I'm healing, after a nervous breakdown. My ex fiance who was diagnosed with bpd destroyed me. I literally checked into a psych ward because I couldn't cope with losing her. I loved her soooo much, I lost weight and even lost my job because of her. We ran away together to get married and she lied and told me she was going back home to get her medicine and got back with her ex boyfriend who she said was abusive. We got into many fights while she was devaluing me. My actions against her were just down right evil, because I didnt feel she had remorse. So I used everything I knew about her and used it to destroy her life. I tried to get her fired from her job, I told her mother things she was hiding from her, I attacked everything I knew would hurt her and she gave me my share as well. After this I feel into a deep depression because i felt so bad! I stalked her for months, and called her 20 times a day while she emotionally abused me into having a nervous breakdown. She literally would talk to me on the phone and call me names with her new FP and laughed at me while calling me stupid. 
But even after she cheated on me, lied to me, and abused me I dont want to lose her forever. It's like I like the pain, I feel like i deserve it and more. All my life I've felt deep down I am not worthy, and will never find someone who will love me. And I sometimes abuse the people that do love me.

The longest job I've had has been for a year, working with a Narcissist who used me for supply. I recently took revenge on him and almost got him arrested. 
I know that was long, but I hope someone can offer some clarity, a lot of this is just summed up life events..