I’m 15, and I have been sad for a long time, I don’t know when the sadness starting becoming depression, but I’ve felt sad since I was 8, I didn’t notice it as much then, but now I realize. My mom died when I was 8 and it has just been a giant turning point in my life. Everything went downhill from there. 

I started not feeling as happy, my positiveness wasn’t really there. When I was 9 my dad married my stepmom, and when I was around 10 I still felt similar. Life was still worth living to me at that point, but it was dulled down, and not worth as much as when I was 8. I don’t remember exactly how I felt, but I know from certain experiences at that age that I was sad.

 I self harmed for the first time in 6th grade, I think I was 11. My parents found out, but only thought I was doing it for attention. My step mom got extremely angry at me because she thought I was faking it, and one of her friends had commit suicide in the past few years so it was a touchy subject. I self harmed once after that, and also in 6th grade, I laid in the road, it wasn’t busy at all, but I think I just wanted to see how I would feel, any moment a car could round the corner and run me over. Somebody started yelling at me so I ran off. Life was still worth living at that point. 

7th grade was when things started going over the edge, life was still worth living, but just barely, I frequently had suicidal thoughts, but I didn’t want to die. 

9th grade was a huge step, I moved schools and I had no friends. My life was just getting through the day at this point, going to school, sitting through classes, getting back. I never did any homework and did the bare minimum not to fail. I sometimes got bullied, which made me feel more shitty but didn’t change the fact about how mundane and worthless my life was. This is the point where life was not worth living to me. I started to self harm frequently, it was a release, but deep down I wanted one of the cuts to cut something important and kill me. Sometimes I did an extra deep cut to liken the chances of it happening. I feel like this is where the real depression started, as I started having a lot of trouble getting out of bed or doing simple tasks. If I needed to use the bathroom, or even walk to my desk to play video games, I couldn’t. I was glued to my bed, and all I could do was scroll endlessly on my phone. 

Now I’m in 10th grade, and everything feels the same as in ninth grade, except worse, I do want to kill myself now, and I would if it wasn’t for my family. I can’t bear the thought of them losing me, and their grief if I died. Life sucks. I am using every excuse to skip school. Telling my dad (he divorced my step mom) that I will make up the work I miss even though I know I won’t. I am failing one class, and coasting in the rest of them. Even thought they are classes I have always been good at. 

Just thought maybe you guys could relate, and yea. Writing this helps me vent a little, in the grand scheme of things it does nothing, but idk that’s what this sub is for I guess.