I’m a 25 year old male diagnosed with BPD, I’ve only had 2 FP’s so far and while I had them I felt incredibly motivated. I’ve been without an FP for a couple years now and I just feel dead. I have no drive or ambition, there is nothing I feel motivated to do or achieve. While I had an FP I was in college and even though I started later then most (when I was 22) I was doing really well. I took 15 units for my first semester and got straight A’s and 18 units my second semester with A’s and B’s. I had a falling out with my FP after that and my grades and work ethic plummeted. 

Quit a job, stopped going to class and lost my financial aid for poor grades. I had tried to keep going to school for two years after I lost my FP but had no drive and just didn’t go to my classes.

I have a new job now that’s a lot better than my last one, pay and benefits wise at least, but it’s still only part time. I’m hoping to start going to school again soon, only problem is I still don’t have any drive, I WANT to be happier and be more stable financially however I just don’t feel like I can make it without an FP. I don’t really hangout or talk to any of my friends anymore, and I have never told anyone I know about my BPD diagnosis.

I just feel lost right now, I have all these dating apps downloaded hoping to find a new FP but I have such a hard time feeling attracted or interested in anyone. Not to mention I’m just an average looking dude with no passions (aside from sudden intense fleeting obsessions) or hobbies so I’m not exactly attracting much anyhow. I’ve had people develop feelings for me in the past, but it’s always been after knowing and being friends for awhile so I don’t know how well dating apps would even work for me. 

Anyone have any advice or insight to give? I want to be my own person and have a better life. Ever since I was a child though the only thing I have ever really wanted was to be in love with someone and have them be in love with me. Like how do I even pursue that? I never wanted to be an astronaut or a cop I just wanted to be in love.