I'm convinced I have quiet BPD, I just don't know how to go about going to see a psychiatrist/doctor. I'm an extremely introverted person, and I always find myself having an intense desire to connect with others, or detaching from them. I have paranoid thoughts about other people all the time, and fear of abandonment for me is very real. 

For the most part, I feel very in control of myself. I put up walls/take them down in order to hide my emotions from others, while inside it's like I'm going nuts, even though I seem calm and collected on the outside. And when I try doing things, it takes EXTREME focus and concentration. Like, washing the dishes? Totally normal for everyone else, but for me, I can't seem to figure out how to hold a fucking dish without disassociating and dropping it/making myself look stupid. Taking off my pants, earlier, I couldn't get my fucking pants off and got so fucking angry I just yeeted them at the wall when I finally did, after almost falling over. I forget to do basic shit to take care of myself all the time, and then get angry when I realize I forgot. I feel like I am acting 100% of the time, so I've been focusing on expressing how I feel about things, my true feelings, but I'm always too honest and weird people out. Idk man. I do have MDD, and "unspecified anxiety", which my previous nurse practitioner thought it was possible I could've had BPD back when I was still seeing her.

Plus, my situation fits really well with having BPD. The fact that I am adopted, because both my birth parents were addicts. Like my mom was 19 when she had me, and my dad was 31 at the time of my birth. (Creepy, I know.) But I was so badly neglected as an infant, that by the time CPS had taken me away, I had severe rashes and was so underweight I had to be put in the hospital. I almost died. The fact that I freak out when I feel like people are going to leave, and do weird things in order to try and "win" them over, is just more evidence to me that I have this disorder. But nobody takes me seriously when I talk about my mental health. I'm not trying to self-diagnose, or ask for validation, I'm just listing my evidence for it I guess. 

But like, seriously, does just doing basic shit ever piss anyone else off? I have to give it my fucking all not to look stupid while doing stuff at work to keep myself busy, and I'm a complete klutz and just cause chaos everytime I try doing simple, basic shit, without even trying if I am not focused.