So im going to try and keep this short. Hubby amd I met in 2013 at an event where we both volunteered. Thing clicked really fast and I moved in with him the next February.
So in general we were friends with the same people. His besr friends were board members and I was a staff member under one of his friends.
Two years ago I had a rage moment when something went wrong. Later I made a stupid joke at a friend, she took this the wrong way, got drunk and *well I can't remember what happened next*.
Next day I hear she thinks that I am mad at her, queue 4 people meddling making things worse. Next time I saw her got so depressed that I cut myself for the first time in years. Sent het some texts trying to explain that a. I don't know what I did wrong and b. The effects this shit was having on me. Then followed a year of someone else literally talking crap about me and my superior (whom I saw as a mentor) basically stabbing me in the back.
This all was accompanied by fits I just can't remember. Depression, self mutilation etc.

So I quit officially and gave my husband a choice them or me. *This I regret with every vain in my body*

But then comes today, something minor basically blew up. Basically the last friend I have ended up sending me an email to say lets stop talking to each other.
I am so broken about this, my stupid brain says and does stupid shit that I can't control.
I just wish I had a reverse botton to redo it again while being able to tell my shit brain to stop being so shitty.
The thing I hate most is that I am indirectly isolating my husband. I am used to being alone and an outcast. But my husband is a sweet honest happy go lucky man who deserves way better than I can ever be.

I just hatw how I can mess everything up in life. I just wish someone could rip that part of my brain out that makes me this way.

I am lost amd lonely and I have no idea how to fix any of this. I wish I could fix it with all my heart but I know I will just sabotage things and end up making things worse.