I‘m a 20 y/o girl and just now questioning if I might have BPD, although my ex boyfriend suggested this years ago. 

The reason I‘m coming to terms with this now is because, over the last few months, things got kind of extreme. For example, I‘ve always been prone to spending money, often more than I have, but this past year I‘ve just constantly been indebted because I bought clothes and other things which at that moment seem affordable, although it always turns out to be too expensive for me (something I just fail to realise at that moment.)

Another thing is self harm, which got a lot worse especially at parties when I feel like I can’t ‘perform’ the way I should, a.k.a. happy, bubbly, funny, and then start to think no one cares about me and end up hurting myself hiding somewhere. 

My moods are also generally more extreme, like when I’m happy I feel almost like on ecstasy, while when I’m sad a while later I feel like everything is crashing down. Sometimes I even feel like I can’t appreciate enough the people around me and start, involuntarily, to image how they would die, asking myself whether I would feel anything.

I’ve been recently diagnosed with social anxiety, though my therapist doesn’t know all of this. One thing I really didn’t tell anyone because I don’t want to sound stupid is something of a ‘psychotic’ episode, where with some friends I was preparing a party. I had previously heard from a good friend of mine that an old friend of hers was hospitalised after drinking way too much, and she cared very dearly for her, went to the hospital and everything. I know this sounds manipulative and like a really bad thing to do, but I felt like she never cared that way about me, so my mind was just like: Let’s get into hospital and see what she’ll do. Like, to get her attention and comfort. This felt 90% rational to me at that time. Plan was to steal a flask of GHB from my roommate and get a non lethal overdose (this was a drug my friend explicitly warned me from), so that she’d get worried SICK. 
All day, I was running around being really angry with her because I thought she didn’t care about me. I remember running around, preparing stuff, feeling somewhat hazy and thinking like: “Am I going mad right now or does this make sense?” And it didn’t feel really irrational to me. Then at the party my roommate noticed my strange behaviour and followed my every step, so I couldn’t go through with it, though I drank much too much alcohol (not enough for hospital, though). 

Sometime in the morning I went home, my friend didn’t even really say goodbye. She had noticed my mood and did ask multiple times how I felt and she did care, but in the end she just sat there. Now, this whole day seems to be so distant and other-worldly, while at the same time I know this will happen again. I’d call it a traumatic experience if I didn’t know better. 

So long story short, I feel like this isn’t just social anxiety and it kind of freaks me out at the moment. 
Does this sound like BPD and some pseudo-psychotic experience or am I worrying too much? I just want to know if others experienced similar stuff, honestly I just feel alone with this right now and whoever I talk to seems to make much less of it than I feel it is. 
Hope this isn’t too long, just needed this off my chest, thanks for the help &lt;3