This is just a vent. My FP texts me less and less these days. It sets off tons of alarms in my head but I've basically been able to control my impulses to say "Are we ok?" or "Are you mad?" or even say vague stuff like "Text me or else." I am proud of myself at times because I have used so. much. self control. over the last few years to learn to not visibly panic about abandonment by them even though it haunts, hurts, and absolutely destroys me inside. :|

They probably need space from me and maybe I need space from them to work on myself and that's objectively ok, and sometimes I get moments of clarity where I think about it and see that it is probably for the best to spend time apart, but I don't know what to do when I get that serious internal panic about never hearing from them again.  

I want to break the FP cycle completely because it's unhealthy and has caused me sooo much pain for most of my life, but for the meantime I do have an FP relationship and just need to learn to live with it for now. I want to have a healthy friendship with this person but my brain seems to sabotage it at every turn.

If I never hear from them again I'd be absolutely heartbroken in every way possible but hopefully I'll be able to deal with it.