first of all, does anyone have a reliable online test i could take? 

anyways, so bipolar, as ive been told, is like you're sad for 6 months, then you're manic for 3 weeks, then you're depressed again. it doesnt work that way for me. i have 20+ mood swings a day, random bouts of anger and frustration, my mind is always racing, no mood stabilizer or antidepressant that has helped me (ive tried them all). i tried to sabotage things with new boyfriend because im so scared of being abandoned eventually. and this is a nice guy that sends me sunflowers in the mail and understands mental health. when were in bed i dont even make a move on him no matter how bad i want it because im so scared of rejection. when im alone, ive never felt more alone...when im with him ive never felt so elated. my mood swings go from extremely depressed at 9 am, to super happy at 12, to morbidly depressed at 3, then around 6 i usually start dissociating. dissociating is so uncomfortable that i just drink and smoke it away and spend the rest of my night in a drunken stupor. ive also been self harming for a few years. i mean, this new guy and i are already planning our wedding, i feel like im living in a fairytale and nothings real. the idea of a personality disorder is so scary to me, because most mass shooters have one, and i dont wanna be like them, i wanna be able to be a good person.