  I have so much to say I don’t know where to start but I’m gonna try to be as brief as I can. 
I think I am a depressive/anxious/paranoid and psychotic cancerous girl. I don’t know if I want to be all these things, if I am convincing myself I am or if I actually am? 

(Beware, I’m about to write a book,  but I need to talk to someone even if no one replies)

I am 23 years old black girl, I live with cancer and although I’ve not being declared depressed officials, I guess I am self diagnosing.

 I want to mention I come from a home affected by domestic violence, my father used to beat my mum in front of us and she escaped when I was 3.

I used to have nightmares, night terrors about shadow people with hats, surrounding my beds and I am convinced until this day that it is an evil force.

I don’t remember more, but ever since I can say I moved 15 times overall, and had so many different schools &amp; different step dads.

I’ve been struggling with mental health ever since I was 13/14 I believe. 

I think it started when I was bullied at school, and my two “best friends” turned against me out of the blue, harassing me in class, online. Imitating everything I did, everything I said, trying to turn people against me, posting racist pictures on FB, such as gorillas they would compare to me. I was the only black girl in the school, up until my sister was old enough.
I was so sad. I had to stay in that school, no matter how sad, anxious, and lonely I felt during that time. 
I remember spending my whole time on virtuality websites like my bimbo and oh my dollz.  It took me a while to be able to live with it, as they never really stopped - but when I finally did my parents decided to move us from France to England. 
I was then 15, &amp; not happy at all, as I had finally found a place, the right fit in that town that had rejected me. I was taken away from that, again.
When I got to England, I had no internet, no phone, the change was so abrupt that I completely cut off my previous life and I barricaded myself in my box room for the entire summer. I didn’t speak a word of English and I was/an angry at my mother for making that decisions without considering our feelings. 
I went from a huge house, with my dogs and friends, to a tiny village in the Forest of Dean, in a tiny apartment, I didn’t understand what was happening to me. 
I don’t think I could ever adapt there, I was paranoid of fake friendships, I was pretending to laugh at jokes I didn’t understand, I was pretending to be happy. Honestly, I think I was odd to them too, we didn’t have the same sense of humour but there was still a few friendly souls around. I remember the girls being hostile there, I would never go out, do anything in real life. I would be in a rush to come back home and log on to Twitter. 

Around that period, I found a boyfriend. He was Portuguese, lived in France and I guess we were in a puppy love long distance relationship. I would rely on him to make me happy, I think my happiness only depended of him for a while, but I didn’t know better. Once, when I was visiting him in Paris this group of black kids shamed us for being together, shamed me for not being with another black person. He didn’t say a thing. From then on his behaviour with me switched, he wouldn’t let me hold his hand in certain zones of Paris, no kisses, we had to pretend to be friends. Once we saw his friends during NYE, his black friends - they told him I was too dark, and he told me. Another time, one of his friend was in the train so he fist bumped me to say goodbye. 
I don’t know how many times these little things happened, but he crushed my confidence as he cheated on me three times. 
The atmosphere in my house was always chaotic to me, I’m black and I always felt like the white sheep of my family. I had a hard time coping with the things that had happened and that were happening to me. I was unhappy at school, I would spend my time in the IT room because I couldn’t bare not feeling included by my new friends. 
I was unhappy and unable to communicate my feelings at home. When I asked my mum I f I could see someone, she told me I was a living typical teen crisis - mental health is not a thing for an African immigrant’s child lol. It’s considered a white people thing.
After that, I stopped trying and I started writing - to no good use. 
I moved to France a bit before my ex broke up with me. In an argument with my mum, she blurted that she was not my only parent (meaning to me, you have a dad go live with him - but knowing we are estranged where did she expect me to go?)
I was convinced I would go to class, feel better away from my family etc. I didn’t. I went to live with a girl who had her own troubles, and I ended up being bullied out of there as soon as she started asking for money I couldn’t provide her with. To shorten the story, I moved back to my mum’s house after a year - that girl messages everyone I knew and spread false rumours, even my brother received a message. I cut myself off everyone I ever knew, even childhood friends because I knew they weren’t real friends if they believed her.

Life went back on track as usual, I started a new course and all was fine. 

However, I have always thought to have some kind of psychic abilities, that I can see things others can’t (shadow men, ghosts), read auras, read energies, especially negative ones. I convinced myself shadow men visiting me as a child were either evil or aliens. Which makes a lot of sense if you do a google search. I used to have sleep paralysis and would see a shadow man in my room. I would mention a movie and next thing you know it’d be airing on E4 the following week. I would mention, or think of someone, they’d call me as soon as. I’m starting to think I’m insane. 
People calling me a witch doesn’t help, because I do think I have some type of clairvoyance ability. I can predict when a bad thing will happen to me, such as losing my phone, losing my passports. I always think my intuitions are spot on.

1 year or so after moving back to my mum’s, I took a support worker job in a clinic for mentally ill women. So I moved out because it was good money. I’d work the usual 12.5h night shift and I did that quite a lot throughout the summer (2016) I’d almost work full time.
I started smoking a lot, recreationally but still. I would barely sleep after my night shift and I felt peer pressured to go on hikes, go on trips with my friends instead if of going to bed. Or join them in their house because they’d be waiting for me to braid their hair, or roll their joints. I would faint a lot too, I was highly dehydrated, sleep deprived etc.
As the summer ended and my course ended, I found it hard to sleep at all. Nor at night, nor during the day. When I did sleep, I would sleep like a rock. Like 10000 knocks, no alarms would wake me up, my roommate would bang on my door I wouldn’t wake up. I would miss shifts/classes out of just not being able to live the bed. My teachers, my employers, they all thought I was out clubbing. 
I started having horrible pains in my ribs, stomach, I wasn’t able to laugh, cough, sneeze without pain. I was put on medical leave but doctors thought I had inflammations of the ribs.
It stayed with me for weeks at a time, I would go to a&amp;e all the time. My mum would tell me to not go as they might think I was hypocondriaque. 
They eventually figured out it was an infection, due to high White blood cells. 
I went back for the same pains during Xmas time (2016) and they decided to keep me and see what could potentially be happening. The doctors stayed clueless.

Bare in mind, whilst all of this is happening, I was convinced my house was haunted. Once, after a night out I spent hours crying before I could get him. I had seen a shadow man again. As I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me, I’d keep blinking and it’s keep getting closer to me. It stills scares me to mention it.
I started sleeping with the lights on. One day I tried to get read of them by using street lights, and I am convinced I heard someone whisper my name twice, as I saw the figure of a Victorian ghost going past on my wall. I was living in an old house, and all of us would hear things (people walking when no one was home) I just took it more seriously. My landlord told me to record what I was seeing, as I wanted to move out based on that and I sort of moved on.

After that Xmas time at the hospital, I made it a personal mission to diagnose myself in search of a remedy. They had given me a two months waiting time for an appointment. I was convinced I had a leukaemia based on my symptoms. I was off on leave, and my employers refused to pay me SSP,  however I was truly sick and everybody would tel me to put up with it, that everyone was tired etc.

After my 3819819th trip to A&amp;E, I finally managed to accelerate the appointment and they did a bone marrow aspiration the following week - unfortunately it happened be on my 21st birthday.
They told me I had a blood cancer and that was that, I felt relief to not be crazy, to have a treatment, to be able to justify my behaviour, but how can you feel relieved to have cancer? I feel like I neglect my health, I always have. Eating cereals day &amp; night, canned peaches, toast, sweets. No real meals. Maybe once a week. And I only eat things I know. I have the sole belief that by believing I have leukaemia, I gave myself leukaemia, I’m sure it has a direct link with stress.

I don’t know why I’m linking all my issues together but I don’t think they help. I am chronically angry, and sad. I medicate myself with weed and when I don’t have it I can be miserable &amp;/ despicable. I ruin all the relationships I have. When I walk the streets I am so anxious, I think everyone is judging me most of the time. I can’t walk in to class late, as I’m too afraid to walk in last. 
Sometimes when I’m at home, I think my whole family is downstairs bitching about me. Once I was going to a party with some friends and some girls we’d just met, we were all in a Uber. I was persuaded they were talking about me, laughing about me during the whole ride, I felt so uncomfortable, so heave chested,  I wasn’t even sitting next to them. 
Anyway, I don’t know how to express myself in a healthy way, and I’m sure I missed some bits but I came down to the main point. I think I’m someone prone to psychosis and I’m scared I’m just looking for more things that are wrong with me to explain why I’m like this. Insecure, paranoid, anxious, depressed, isolated, why I think I could potentially become a clairvoyant if I exploited it? Why I think I can feel people’s energy? Or that I’m an absorber of human energy? I see significance in a specific combination of numbers and I see them everywhere. I cut off people when they mess up my energy...

I’ve been having a hard time dealing with myself and my life. After the diagnose I went 3 months refusing treatments, I wanted to become critical. I eventually went back on it, but now I barely take it. I believe it’s messing up my fertility, and I don’t like swallowing them. But they are chemo tablets I need to, I don’t know how to.

Is it messy? I hope someone can shed a light. I see a counsellor at UNI, and I have a psych evaluation on the 23rd, I just don’t know if I’m seeing symptoms where there aren’t?

Thank for reading, you’re a star!!🌟