    I woke up today, with a mosquito bite, which lead me to get paranoid about a conversation I had with my mom in Georgia. How she finally got rid of all the bed bugs, my sister and her man brought when they were staying with her.  So I'm flipping my mattress and box spring with a flashlight,becoming obsessive. 

  I haven't smoked cannabis in 3 weeks and I realize besides the bpd, depression, how much weed makes me not care about the state of my surroundings, forgoing that I be hella depressive sometimes.  

 God....im so happy I haven't dated in awhile or had the little bit of friends I have left over.    Its like my mind is finally  awake today after a month of being asleep.  Dust under the bed.  Blunt guts.   Little makeup stains near door frames when I'm rushing and I don't notice, especially when I'm in my impulsive moods.   Dishes, even thought they relatively clean, stacked on each other in the sink, I left there because I order out with my depressive self, NYC is a foodie paradise  

    Edges of bathrooms, lint balls, needing to scrub the outside of my bathtub.    

 My cleanliness is directly related to the current state of bpd in me. I thought I always hated cleaning but I see now....mentally when I'm low, I just don't have any energy to give a fuck, especially when I'm isolating.  

    Its mad blunt guts sprinkled over the floor from smoking in my bed.      4 bottles of wine on the dresser.   All my dirty clothes just shoved into the closet,  forgoing using my hamper and laundry bags.  

 I am lucky I relatively don't like feel closed in and I make sure, for the most part, my kitchen, bathroom and areas are cluttered free....even if I'm gonna wash all the walls and dust the ceiling today.  

  God, my grandma would beat me at 30 if she saw my bedroom.    

   Im glad I just realized, that when I get lazy...its apart of bpd somewhat and depression.   

      Today is cleaning day. Whether I want to or not.    Summer clean lol.    Time to bleach everyrhing