I myself have not 6et been diagnosed with depression or anxiety as I'm too scared that I will have to rely on medicine to be happy.

For around 2 years I can't stop fighting myself. It feels like my body and my mind are doing separate things.

I'm angry constantly when I am left to myself. The decisions I make feel more like I'm being forced rather than choosing them myself.

I love my partner but sometimes I feel I'm forcing myself to think she is able to make all my pain go away. However, sometimes I feel like she isn't the one and that I am better off on my own. 

As I'm writing this I feel angry enough to vent this into a clear point, although most the time I feel anger, self hatred and feelings of not wanting to be alive. 

It'd be nice to get some clarification on what I am feeling and knowing that I'm not the only one who feels like this.