So I developed a fear of death ten years ago. I had panic attacks couldn't sleep. I battled it for three years. Always afraid of dying always. The only thing which got me out of it was love. Women precisely. I wanted to live. To do things I didn't. So it went away. I was genuinely happy. Was kinda obsessed with women. I read PUA books. The moment I started being successful with women it went away I became happy. Things that frightened me like going out and fainting went away. I genuinely started not caring if I died. But the thing which always lifted my spirits were women. Fast forward a few happy years. Suddenly I got panic attacks  thinking that I am turning/actually being gay. That was the worst thing in my life. I started getting panic attacks because I thought I was going crazy. I was afraid of myself for myself. It was hard. I got depressed. Suddenly the thing that gave me power and reason to beat anxiety and panic attacks (women) became my anxiety. Everything stopped. I still think that I changed. I am afraid of it. HOCD is what it's called. It really confused me. It made me depressed. I try with women but there is this lingering anxiety of not performing and stuff. My libido went away. I started getting groinal arousals. More and more going crazy anxious and depressed. At a point it was so bad that I developed homebound agoraphobia. I went through it. I went out but I still have unease when going out. And it's hard because HOCD left me so confused that I don't have women to help me get through. Something changed I don't know if it's my sexuality or something. But I am not the same old me. I have anxiety. I have depression. I have everything. I just realize that OCD and everything is just a form of anxiety. But I don't feel the same. I've changed. I accepted the gay thoughts. It is so bad that I lived my whole life being straight that I don't know if I am gay or know how to be gay. It makes me depressed I didn't wanted this.  But I feel the same comforting ease by thinking of me being gay like the comforting ease I had thinking of women 10 years ago when I had the fear of dying. Which is a strong indicator that somehow my sexuality really changed. I somehow went a full 180. And I don't know how to live like this. I am not a teenager I am a grown ass man in my 30's. I am so confused and unhappy. I stopped chasing women. I don't wanna hurt them. I am unhappy and anxious. I stopped getting aroused by them.  And I don't know if I am unhappy because I think I turned gay or that everything I did was straight and I can't bring myself to do gay stuff because I will lose everything. My friends, my family, my job, everything. I don't know how to be affectionate towards a man. Nor did I find a man attractive. But somehow I convinced myself that I am gay. The gay stuff I am referring to is actually thinking that I changed that I am different and not normal. I don't know. I am confused. And when I try not thinking about it and just living my life I get really really anxious.  Since I got my first panic attack related to my sexuality I started thinking I am different. I envy people that are "normal" for having sex in the"normal" way as per default. They don't have my troubles. I hate myself for taking for granted my every arousal for women I had. It just doesn't happen for me anymore. 3 years and I can count on my the times I masturbated thinking of women or getting aroused by a woman. And when I was younger it was normal. My favorite category were lesbians for god sake just because there were 2+ women. It feels so distant now. I would get aroussd by kissing, a girl looks at me and I am ready. Nowadays, when I watch or do something with a woman it's just meh. I touch a women it's like touching the table. Something really fucked up happened to my brain me which I can't explain or understand. But I have severe repercussions because of it. Socially and mentally. And I don't know what to do, besides psychiatric help cause psychological didn't help me about this. Has anyone had similar experience?