I am 17yo, 1 year ago (october 2020) i used to see a psychiatrist for 3 months (once every week) + 2 weeks in a mental health hospital (once a day) it all stopped when my psychiatrist refused to see me because i told her "i think of killing my mom and myself after her"and told my parents all the secrets that i told her(Feb 2021) it just gave me another trauma, after that my situation with my parents went down so bad i kept going to different psychiatrists without letting my parents know and after few days i moved to my grandma's until October (2021), It was all good until December when i lost all my friends and my behavior became more aggressive and i think about suicide + smoking every day because i really feel like i have nothing to lose and i want to hurt my parents as much as possible and i cant go to a psychiatrist because :
1) i don't trust them
2) with the money i have i can only afford 2-3 sessions
what do you think?
sorry for my bad English