I always hear "you don't want to work".

&amp;#x200B;

No I don't want to work in a place that's going to put me in a worse place mentally. I don't want to be trapped in a job that makes me contemplate suicide every second I'm there that feeds the monster inside because it's all consuming. My demons are always nipping at my heels and appearing before me and I already have no way past and no strength left to fight. I'm not going to subject myself to more pain to appease a bunch of assholes. I'm not going to pull the "fake smile" crap while I'm dying inside if that is to be my fate than just kill me now and get it over with. Save me the torture of living in this hell any longer.

Other people have it worse is another one that's real helpful other people have it worse. That doesn't make my life good or worth living. Someone else being a paraplegic doesn't lessen my pain, someone else having cancer, doesn't make my disease any less of a nightmare to live with. Someone else having my issues and more doesn't make my depression disappear. Saying "oh so and so does it so can you" isn't helpful their not me no matter what I experience I hear it and I'm just so damn tired. I'm ready to go to sleep to lay down in that deep forest and never leave to finally go home for this dream to end.

I'm just so tired of living with it all with no jobs responding, with bad advice, with depression, suicidal ideation, social/generalized anxiety, T1 Diabetes, learning disorders, and the symptoms of PTSD. I'm tired of the ones responsible going unpunished for it else. I'm tired of being in pain at times I feel a pain I cannot explain but I won't seek treatment maybe my heart is ready to stop maybe I'm going to have a heart attack like my sister did around my age. I hope if I do that no one will notice and that will be it the nightmare will end and I'll wake up somewhere better. Maybe I'll finally wake up in a place where I don't feel alone and like I'm going mad. Maybe what I believe are dreams now is reality maybe the me that is always fighting is what I truly am or maybe I'm just a weak man who wants to be strong I don't even know anymore I just know I can't do it anymore. I can't accept doing a job that would make me want to die that would make me feel like I failed myself because I hate myself enough without it.