My situation is quite different from 50% of BPD sufferers. Every time I go in for treatment, abuse is brought into question.

No. I wasn't abused. If anything, I was the abuser and have trouble coming to terms with my actions. I hurt my mother (physically, at 11 yrs old), who suffered her whole life with thoughts like mine. I want to overcome them, just for her. To apologize. I lost her to colon cancer in 2019, and I can't afford to disappoint. I know my potential for success and love is great, but i am failing and need direction.

I was born to a 38-yr old schizophrenic mother, and feel that I may have developmental issues with my amygdala due to her prior (never touched a thing while pregnant) drug abuse. I am low-income and have trouble investigating that notion. I want to have a brain scan, have that validation to be able to pinpoint exactly what's wrong and treat it, even though that's far fetched as BPD is under studied. I could clinically, investigatively be of use in this area. I want to know how.

I feel as if I have many dysfunctional coping mechanisms that prevent me from living to my potential.

I want to be a medical professional that helps others, but in my mind, especially to my boyfriend and other family, I am a negative, incompetent, instigating, and, I imagine through their eyes, evil. 

I function in every other aspect of life with flying colors. My job? A breeze that I love. I work at Coldstone, and it makes me so happy to scoop ice cream and see people smile. My education? I look forward to having the prowess to make a difference in someone's life with a hard-earned degree.

But, relationships? I can't. Function.

I cry so loud I can't make sense, I'm so terrified of losing someone "who dares to love me", I self-harm to replicate the wrong I've done, i beat myself down everyday. 

Each morning is supposed to pave a new slate, but I let my memories of the days before fuel my self-loathing and punishment. I push people away by ASSUMING their feelings, or just by overreacting to their valid criticisms.

It's so hard to live with this mindset of being fundamentally "wrong", and also hard to live with self-awareness of what you do and feeling powerless to change it.

I've attempted suicide, although it's the  last thing i want.

I've told myself, "you're so ungrateful, you're a blight on your family, kill yourself."

I don't know of there's hope for me in my situation.

I may be a bright, hopeful, 21-yr old woman, but I am a 12-yr old girl when I'm upset. I'm a loose screw who threatens to leave, or commit suicide.

Any pointers?

This may seem like a cry for help, and it is. I've been dealing with thoughts like these since my sentience can be remembered.