Trigger warnings (eating disorders, substance abuse, suicide attempts)

Hey, so this is mostly a vent but i would like to know if someone else goes through anything similar.

I'm a gay cis man almost turning 30. Over the last year or so i had one objective in my life that i have consistently pursued and that has been getting in shape. I have always been kind of chubby but it oscillates. 

In my late teens to early 20s i would say i was in my best shape, still “fat“ by gay standards as grindr men never failed to let me know, but looking back on the pictures i think i was pretty hot. Around this time i had opportunities to experiment with my sexuality and have some fun. But i was in a horrible mental state that barely let me enjoy any of it. So i had some random gay sex  but it was always on the heat of the moment and with people i did not care for. As i could not bring myself to make plans or go after guys i actually cared about.

 I feel a lot of grief for this period of my life, i could've enjoyed it a lot more but i was a depressed anxious mess so weird drunk or drug fueled hook ups was all i got. Eventually my depression got even worse and i actually tried killing myself. I survived/backed out of it on time. 

That was in 2017. After that i did not pursue or hook up with anyone. I also relapsed hard into eating disorders that were under control during that time. I went back to binge eating. Something i also did in my early teen years. But this time it was much worse whenever i was down in the dump i would eat myself to death. Like to the literal point of throwing up and getting stomach cramps. And sometimes keep going after purging. It was bad.

In 2021, after having moved back with my folks at the height of the pandemic, i moved to a place i really like with some friends. After moving and getting settled in i had one objective in mind. Get fit and start hoeing around. 

My sex drive was finally back and i used as a motivator. I have worked out very seriously for the past 10 months. 6 days a week. I lost around 30kg of fat and put on 20kg of muscle. I'm still chubby as grindr men still let me know. But I'm finally looking hotter than i did 10 years ago. 

But it doesn't matter. Fuck i hate my brain, i can look in the mirror and like I'm buff now, i have the shape i look for in men. Still I can't seem to feel good about it. For the past couple of days i have come back from the gym and just looked at myself naked. And even though i can objectively see how far i've come I can't stop being repulsed by myself. Just like when i was 20. Nowadays i can look at my old pictures and find young me hot. But at the time i was truly repulsed by my image. And it's happening again.

Idk what to do i am possibly looking the best i've ever looked, and am super horny but whenever some guy messages me i just panic because i feel that i am too ugly to hook up with them. Even though i know that they've seem all of my pictures, they know what i look like. I just can't go through with it because it's all wrong. 

I just don't know how to go forward, i just want to go out and make out with men, live my life, be queer.  but here i am after turning down yet another men on the apps because it doesn't feel right.