Logically, I don't think they'd hurt me, but that's all I feel when I think about her. I've told myself everything, "maybe I'm not self aware enough and it's just my bpd acting up", "maybe they didn't gaslight me, maybe I gaslight them and I tricked myself into thinking they gaslit me", "they only acted the way they did because of how mad they were at me" (this last one is at the very least partially true). 

I'm confused, I feel dumb for feeling confused. This was all a year ago, and I'm nearing the time of the breakup. I don't know if it's justified for me to be afraid of them and I know they're not a bad person. Everything goes foggy and rush in my mind when I think about them.

I remember once when I brought up that we couldn't wait for resources for our situation to improve, that I wanted to do more for us so we could move forward. I understand it wasn't my place to say this, but at first they were just angry, then they started talking about how I wanted to change them, that they weren't up for this and that we should break up, then i tears started coming down my face and they left. I went outside and lied in my blanket to cry about how I'd screwed them over and they come back and start screaming at me when I was already on the floor. We wound up not breaking up after that, but we had 2 similar (although not as intense) talks like this afterwards. It was wrong of me to ask them to stay, especially when it was evident I wasn't doing them any good.

Sometimes I feel I trauma bonded with this person, that the perceived manipulation I saw was real, that they made me question my reality and preyed upon my fears more than I want to admit. This isn't to say that I was a good girlfriend or that I never did wrong by them, I'm clear it was a toxic relationship, but I'm sometimes not sure if I've been taking all the responsibility for everything that went wrong in the relationship, that maybe my fear isn't unfounded. 

I don't know if I'm more afraid of them or more afraid that every degrading thing my ex said was true and I'm just a shitty ex with unmanaged bpd and that all my fear isnt justified