The hardest part of my life right now is work. Everything else is going *beautifully* - I am 103 days sober from my last relapse, I have a wonderful (and sober too) partner supporting me, I have friends for the first time in my life, I recently realized I was nonbinary and took some gender affirming measures that made me feel 10000% more comfortable and confident, which did more for my eating disorder than therapy ever did and I'm in the healthy weight category for the first time in 10 years, I rescued a stray kitten and she's been a miracle for my mental health too, I'm closer to getting my GED than I've ever been and I've finally decided what I want to do once I have it (go to cosmetology school). I just finally feel like I have things figured out for once. 

Everything except work. 

I'm a drive thru order taker (and also cashier due to *chronic* short staffing).

And I (currently hypomanic- thankfully I no longer experience full blown mania on my meds) am having a really hard time controlling myself at work. 

When I'm depressed I'm really good at taking verbal abuse from customers, because I agree with the bullshit names they're calling me, yknow? Like, when I feel like they're right and I really am a worthless cunt who should &gt;!kill myself!&lt; (spoiler tagged for potentially triggering content) its easy for me to take being told that to my face. 

But when I'm hypomanic and actually have self esteem it boils my blood. I see red. And it's all I can do not to start throwing around dirty words too. 

The other day I snapped and was sarcastic back to a customer who was sarcastic to me. 

I'm terrified to go back tomorrow. I'm worried she called to tell the managers about it and I'll be reprimanded. Now, that probably wouldn't be the end of my career (on a *near daily basis* customers call the manger on me, but except for this one time, *it's to compliment me*. I really give work my all even though it's just a fast food place and they appreciate the extent I go to be pleasant and helpful) but I'm still very anxious and upset and disappointed in myself. 

Even a mentally healthy person would be upset by the things people say to me, but I'm certainly not that. Lately it just feel impossible to tolerate in my currant state. 

I would appreciate any advice or encouragement. I'm in a really dark place. I actually attempted suicide in April because of the way work has been (the short staffing, the cruelty of customers, supply chain issues, missing breaks, etc) and while I'm not actively suicidal it's been on my mind a lately and when customers say things like that it makes me wish it had worked, and it's getting harder and harder not to lash out when my impulse control is at like 20% capacity in a hypomanic state.