For background, I've never had many friends, partly through choice partly through anxiety/shyness (and lack of social development as a child but that's a whole other story). For the most part I keep myself to myself - I have a couple of close friends and my partner has friends I can get involved with, but a lot of things I do I prefer to do alone, so the whole lockdown situation really hasn't impacted my life too much in that respect. 

I don't know what's happened in the past couple of months but suddenly the feeling of loneliness is overwhelming, and it's not like a want to have more friends or be around more people because I know that's not for me. I've been getting involved with a few more online communities like Twitch communities, etc, but I see the people who have been in those communities for months and I hate being the newbie, as counterproductive as I know that sounds...

I've also felt like my friends have been slipping away from me this year and I don't know if it's something I've done or just life getting in the way, but I really just feel like they'd rather speak to/spend time with anyone other than me and no matter how much I try to make an effort with people I rarely feel like I get the same in return. 

I do live with my partner but he's gotten a lot closer with another group of friends who, like I said I do get involved with, but all my life I've been the tag along friend who only really gets invited because I'm friends with one of the people in the whole group, and I don't know how much more of that I can take tbh.

I have accepted that I have a loner personality and I am 100% okay with that, but fuck what's a loner supposed to do when they get lonely??? 

But anyway thanks for letting me rant, I feel like I'm bursting with emotions I can't talk to anyone about!!