I have dealt with anxiety and depression for the majority of my life. Throughout the years, I have seen a number of counselors and been on-and-off of medicine (recently started back up again). 

I am currently in a transitional period of my life where I have finished school and am entering the workforce. I have been out of school for over 5 months now and over the last few months I have had a lot of familial pressure to find work. I sent of a sparse amount of applications because I feel like there are only a few job that I was adept for.

Over a week ago, I got a call on an application I sent out for a retail job and they wanted me to come in an interview the next day. Surprisingly, I was able to manage through the interview fairly well. However, after the interview I was definitely left with less of a desire to work at this place. I had a certain expectation of what the job would entail and after the interview I left feeling like there were certain duties I would struggle to handle.

About an hour after the interview I got a job offer and I accepted it. Immediately after I was filled with immense dread and cried that night. I struggled to go to sleep that night as I couldn't stop thinking about the job and the dread I was feeling over it. I woke up at 2am and immediately my mind went straight to the job. I wasn't able to go back to sleep until a few hours later. Thankfully I had some counseling that morning and I had a talk with my mother that made me feel better about the situation for a little while.

Fast forward to this Monday, I had my orientation. It was mostly watching videos and signing documents, which I was able to manage just fine. However, once we got into practicing some of the tasks, my anxiety started to kick in. It simultaneously feels like my mind is racing at 1000mph and that my mind is going numb. It is a struggle to process information, especially in a scenario that requires attention and a decent reaction time. 

Where I really started to struggle was when I was told we were going to shadow a cashier. Walking to the area, my legs started feeling like jelly. I managed to breathe and calm down a little when I got to the counter and tried to process all the information I was taking in. I got an offer to try to do a little cashiering, which I declined because I didn't feel ready yet. But shortly after, the cashier I was shadowing told me to take this upcoming customer and the anxiety hit me like a truck. I felt like I couldn't think and I felt like I needed to rush to get the job done. I was struggling to bag item and it seemed like I was going too slow. I felt the need to apologize to the customer, telling them it was my first day. Thankfully, I only needed to check out one or two customers before it was time for me to clock out.

After this four hour orientation, I was drained emotionally and physically. I went to bed around 8:30, which is pretty early for me. Ever since orientation, I have really struggled to enjoy my free time as I am constantly thinking about this job and the enormous anxiety/dread it gives me. My first day is later today and I really don't think I can do this job, especially because I know they are going to throw me straight into the fire today (orientation did not provide enough training).

What really sucks is that I don't feel like I have an out. I've talked with my mom about some of my feelings and she talked about her feeling similar at various jobs (she was trying to relate but it sort of feels like she minimizes my feelings). She tells me it will get better, but I struggle to see how when the issue is not the job, the issue is me. I also feel like my mom has been a little less caring about my feelings as of late and I'm not sure why (perhaps she thinks I'm exaggerating or that my feelings are normal). I fear/dread the disappointment that my family would feel if I backed out of the job because they have already expressed their pride and excitement to me.

I understand the importance of challenging myself and I do think challenges can lead to self-improvement. However, I feel like this job is a further detriment to my anxiety/depression. I do not think this job is healthy for me. In the past, I have had thoughts about the desire to kill myself (though I would never do it). I don't think I have ever had more suicidal thoughts than I have this week. I really want to work and have a deep desire to make my family happy, but is that worth subjecting myself to these torturous feelings? 

I feel alone, anxious, depressed, overwhelmed, scared, and hopeless. I don't know what to do.

**TL;DR: I have a new job and it is giving me an unhealthy amount of depression and anxiety, not sure what to do about it.**