Last year I found out my gf cheated on me and shortly after I was the reason all my friends left me. My dad was trying to come back into my life, I crashed my car, and I was going through loneliness being bedridden in my house for a month and a half after getting ACL surgery. Instead of being a normal human and balancing these emotions I took my anger out on them over a gift they had bought me for my birthday by saying shitty things about it and saying I didn’t like it. It’s one of the biggest regrets of my life because they didn’t deserve that and I really loved the gift. I can’t even put into words how important they were and how much they meant to me, but I guess they don’t see it that way. 
I always see them still hanging out and having a great time on social media and find myself looking back at old videos and pictures of us just messing around and having the time of our lives. Two of them still talk to me but it feels like it’s out of pity sometimes and that they just see me to smoke weed. I feel like I have to force us to meet up or it doesn’t happen, but I’m grateful they’re still around at least.

It’s about to be the one year mark of it all and I’m about to spend my birthday alone for the first time in forever it feels like. I think I’m at the lowest point of my life for real this time. I somehow always manage to ruin my best friendships and hate myself for it. I have bad social anxiety and suck at making new friends and often don’t like looking for new ones either. I know I have to be open to making new friends or finding a new hobby and all that, but I really don’t know what to do. I wish I could just redo my life from the start. Anybody else in the same boat?