This is my first ever post and I don’t want to bore anyone.. 
I’ve had my diagnosis of BPD for a few years now. Definitely had my ups and downs trying to navigate through intrusive thoughts, impulsive behaviors, you know all the fun stuff that comes with BPD. At one point around my diagnosis I was completely out of control. And I’m proud to say that I’m far from who I was around the time of my diagnosis. I’ve grown and somewhat understand my BPD. Anyways.. I had a boyfriend that has been through it all with me. Unfortunately in the thick of my mania I made a mistake that has plagued my relationship. Ever since my mistake my bf and I have been on and off. And I mean VERY on and off. It’s like one week we’re together, the next we’re not. Sometimes our break ups last only a day. Sometimes they last months. 
I’m more than aware that my mistakes are what led to the on and off again. And the break ups. Trust me, we’ve been through therapy we’ve had so many talks. I truly understand the mistakes I’ve made and how it’s affected my boyfriend. So I don’t want anyone to think that I feel like his reactions are coming from nowhere. I’m really just trying to vent to people who might understand what I’m going through. 
I crave stability, and security, something I was deprived of as a kid. When my boyfriend and I go through these spells of breaking up the way he does it is he’ll wait until I am gone all day, he comes to my apartment takes his things and leaves. He doesn’t tell me anything, everything leading up to this moment seems like we’re happy. And then poof, he’s gone. He blocks me on everything and basically just disappears from my life. I absolutely hate the feeling of the rug being pulled beneath me, and that’s exactly what he does. What I’m trying to get out with this post is that this just happened last night again. I feel so scared to be alone. I feel panicky that I can’t contact him if I need to. I feel anger for the way he leaves me and regret for the things that I’ve done that make him want to leave me. I just don’t know what to do. My body tells me to download a dating site just to find someone to talk to you. When I’m deprived of my “ favorite person “ I feel like I have to replace that hole with someone else. Even though I am not in any position to date or even think of another person in that way. I hope other people understand kind of what I’m trying to get at.  I guess what I’m asking others is have you gone through this? And what advice can you give me so that I am not over obsessing the situation… are there ways to avoid having that favorite person mentality when it comes to someone you really love? I know with break ups that it feels like the world is ending. And it certainly does. But I know that my BPD plays a role in how I cope with breaking up. I love my boyfriend so much and I want nothing more than to be with him. But, I do need to think of my own mental health and well-being. If he keeps wanting to leave then at some point I need to just let him. How do I do that? How can I get myself to not obsess? Deep down I know that this relationship is over and that it needs to be put to bed. But every moment I want to try to reach out to him. He can’t block me on email because we both use a college account. So I know I can message him there. But I also know that he wants his space, which is why he blocked me. Why can’t I just be normal and stop?