Hey, I [19F] could really use some advice here. 

Tonight I had a very intense anxiety and sadness attack which lasted for a few hours and by the end of that, something in me broke. It was some kind of a disassociation where I felt like I split into 2 parts. The one which contains all of the attributes I like and feel good about in myself is seemingly gone, out of reach. The remaining one is built of all the ugly, disgusting thoughts, there’s all the pain and sadness and anger, all the self-loathing, shame, guilt, you name it. It’s terrifying. I feel like I lost myself, like a huge chunk of me is missing and I’m not the same person anymore. I’ve never hated myself more, personality and physically wise. 

Does anybody have any experiences with something like this? I desperately need to get myself back. 

A quick backstory for those who would like to know because I think it’s relevant:
I’ve been through several traumatic events in my life, the biggest one being ongoing sexual assault by a close family member when I was a child. I’ve been struggling with depression, anxiety, C-PTSD and probably BPD since I was around 11. I have a big issue with letting go of any of my failures, disappointments, negative interactions with other people etc, I heavily internalize this shit and in the past few days, I’ve been reliving a lot of it due to anxiety. 
I’ve been in therapy on and off for years but it’s usually pretty irregular and it helped only a little. 

If you have any questions, I’ll be glad to answer. I’d appreciate your insight very much.  

Thanks.