I wish I never existed. I don't want to kill myself, but I don't want to be alive either. I hate everything about myself. Everything. I wish I was prettier. Had bigger books. Smarter. Funnier. Less awkward. More interesting. I have zero talent. Nothing about me is special. I try to be a good person, but I don't think that I am. I look back at my life and relaoze all the fucked up shit I did, mostly just because I was dumb and didn't know better. But god damn, I did a lot of stuff that I absolutely hate now and that I find appalling, now that I know better. There is so much I wanted to experience that I haven't and probably never will. It's a pretty sad and pathetic life . hope reincarnation is a thing because if this is it and we only get one existence, this is pretty fucking disappointing. But my luck, I'll come back as an abused dog that gets beat every day and starved. 

If I died right now, maybe one person would actually be sad or miss me. There are people that will pretend to be sad, but they won't be really. Their lives wouldn't be affected at all if I died. They will be sad because they are supposed to be sad. They don't really see me or talk to me now. I just feel so alone all the time. So worthless. 

Meds don't help. I've been on pretty much all of them and some cocktails of multiple meds. Therapy. My therapist is actually really great. It doesn't really help, though. I cry nyswlf to sleep just about every night. Cry my way to work and home from work. I don't see the fucking point of struggling every day to stay alive when, in the end, I'm going to die anyway. Life seems so fucking pointless in general. All of us, all living things spend every second struggling to stay alive when death is inevitable. Why do we all struggle to prolong the inevitable?