When it comes to coping mechanisms, I feel like I kinda don't have any anymore. I feel like it's made a lot of people think I'm more fine than I actually am, but it also makes episodes a living hell because I have no way to find any sort of relief which just makes me go deeper into the spiral and causes me to go right into suicidal ideation. I just have no emotional regulation anymore and go from "Everything is fine" to "I need to die in the next second" in a snap without having anything to actually distract me.

I am a very sexual person, but I am apparently so bad at attracting people that I can never find any potential partners, so I just end up frustrated and feeling more worthless than before. I used to do a lot of drinking but after some terrifying experiences while drunk it's become more scary and stress inducing than anything. I literally have no money to spend frivolously and I don't even have self harm anymore as my friend took all my sharps to keep me safe.

I feel like this should be a good thing. I'm not using any of these to numb the pain, so that's progress, right? It doesn't feel like it though, I just feel like my life has gotten so shitty that I can't even do anything to distract myself or feel anything so I just keep going down the hell of overthinking and mania until my only conclusion is that I need to kill myself to end all this, and now. I don't know what to do, there's nothing to help and it just makes me feel even worse about everything that I *need* some destructive behaviour to maintain myself...