I don't know why I think I'm getting better. I'm so fucking far away from any kind of emotional normalcy I dont know what's happening. It feels like I'm feeling everything and nothing at the same time. Like theres no emotional connection to anything but at the same time theres some kind of overwhelming danger about everything. It's like I'm so sensitive to everything my mind forces me into emotional numbness to stay safe. I dont get it. I can't put it into words. There is no emotion, everything feels the same. But it doesn't. Theres supposed to be something there, but It doesn't happen naturally. I'm just figuring out what I'm supposed to feel and telling it to myself until I've made myself imagine it. But at the same time I'm sensitive to it all. I start to cry sometimes for no reason and the only times I've tried to get romantically close to someone I started shaking uncontrollably without being able to feel anything. I dont feel like a person. I act like theres emotion and sometimes my body believes it but theres nothing. I feel like I care about people but I can't tell if I'm lying to myself. It feels like theres some silent being in my head pulling the strings, telling me that theres feeling it's just subtle enough for me to mistake it for my own thoughts. 

I want to die, but not to end this. I'm not suffering. At least I dont think so. I just want to see what happens. I know death isnt the end. Theres more to this, more to the universe and reality itself that I can't see like this. I don't feel like I'm supposed to be here. 

I'm worried that things arent real. That's the one thing I'm scared of. The life I experience is just a facade, just an experiment and some day theyre gonna break down the set around me. I feel like I'm in danger from threats that arent 'real'. That don't make sense in the reality I know because the reality I know is just a simplified version of what "real" is. 




I'm sorry for all this. I don't know how or what I think and I know its fucking incomprehensible but I dont know what else to do.