I have never understood self harm although I’ve done it twice and it gave me such a release it was almost euphoric to focus on the cutting and pain instead of the depression and everything going on.

I don’t self harm anymore I don’t really have the feeling to do it but I do want to feel pain or he hurt physically.

I don’t know why I think I deserve it. I’m so numb I can’t cry I have to hold it all in or I’ll fall apart or something.

I feel like getting hit with a stick or a hanger and bruising and feeling that dull pain of the bruises on my body and looking at the black and purple marks on my body

Maybe I’ll feel something then I don’t know I just feel like getting hit and someone inflicting dull my pain on my body on my back and thighs or punching me and pushing me to the floor so I land on my body and it creates bruises

I think about this all the time it’s nothing sexual or a kink I just want to be with physically harmed because I think I deserve to suffer and I’m in so much mental pain that I feel numb and can’t cry

I want to go back to therapy in fact I need it but I’ll just downplay the severity of my problems and thoughts so I don’t feel like I’m over burdening my therapist and so I don’t get committed and leave work and everyone knows or I have to leave my dog so I just suffer and hold it all in and eat to try and forget the pain