Saw my dad for the first time in a while today. Idk I have mixed feelings about him. Part of me is so angry with what he did with me and my brother. They other part misses my dad. I also miss my mom who I haven’t seen in six years, I used to cry all they time when she would leave too, it was the worst when she would leave when I was younger. I would become really depressed for days when she’d leave and when I knew she was coming over to stay I’d be happy again. Then she’d leave and I’d be very sad again, she didn’t seem to be phased by this. I think she is the reason I have bpd. 

My dad and I also drove over to see my grandparents today and I can tell they are getting older and their minds are beginning to slip. I was really close with my grandma after I became estranged from my mother. And my brother is really growing up to be really good. 

Times are changing so fast and every time I go home about every three months I see the changes. Its hard to stay close to people you see in a different light now that you are older. 

Plus, I think I just started my period, and maybe overly emotional. Although I cry almost every time I leave my dad’s or my grandma’s even when I did live close. Right after I stopped talking to my mom I became really close to my dad and then I wasn’t. Plus when my ex and I were dating I started to get really attached to him and would cry when he’d leave too. This is why I tried to push him away at first because he kinda reminded me of my mom like the good side of her and also he was my first relationship and I’ve never been closer to anybody in my life. It was scary, I rejected him at first then we were best friends and we ended up in a relationship after a while and then he got really distant pretty much once I started to have feelings; classic push-pull dynamic. 

Its hard because a lot of the time I feel like these people don’t want me around as much as I wish they would. 

I miss my ex so much as much as I shouldn’t. I try to take care of myself though and not take too much offense to people not wanting to be around me. Tbh I don’t even think I want to be around them that much but I’m hurt when they don’t want me. Its not right and I know it so I try to stay aware of this when I do become overly emotional especially when someone leaves.