I worked as a licensed nursing assistant in a nursing home, rehabilitation center and lastly the biggest hospital in my state. 

Idk if this is the reason that I have such anxiet over it, but I had a nightmare or a waking hallucination. Idk wtf it was. I woke up with my heart racing that my husband was dead next to me. I had to take a minute, drink water and actually look to see if he was breathing. I do this literally every. Single. Night. But the other night was the worst. I actually saw his dead body in my mind. The thought of him gone makes my skin crawl. I know it'll happen one day but I should not be panicking over it every night, right??? Or actually thinking he's literally dead next to me. I have gone to therapy many times but I just don't trust people enough to make it worth wild to open up fully. I just want to drink alcohol. 

Fml.