I grew up in a home that lacked intimacy/affection. We also moved around a lot so I was constantly having to make new friends. In my teen years I didn't have a sense of my own personality or identity, and never imagined that others would perceive me in any way and therefore found it easy to ghost others. I figured people would just forget about me. That I never had any sort of impact on someone else's life and I wanted to be invisible anyway. I am 25 and I still push people away.

After ending a very codependent 7 year relationship in 2019, I isolated myself from everyone - but this has been the best part of my life. I got away from a toxic environment and I stopped all my addictions (drugs, eating, video games, shopping) and went to therapy. I figured out my identity instead of my partner being my identity. I moved back in with my parents once my relationship ended, and am still in college. I've been in college for almost 6 years now and while all of my friends from high school have graduated, started their careers, invested, and moved away, I am barely able to take care of myself. Don't get me wrong, I went from suicidal to someone with a dream so that alone is amazing, but there is always jealousy and me feeling worthless when I look at what my peers have done so far. Being insecure and depressed my entire life really crippled me.

I do have an FP. He has helped me grow tremendously and become hopeful. He has a great career, people who love and would do anything for him, and he has confidence. Obviously I admire him and cherish him. And with BPD I am also crazy for him. I feel like I have already prepared for him to leave me or tell me he just wants to be friends. I send him texts that are too long. I can talk to many people in a day, but if I don't get to talk to him I'll just feel empty all day. Of course I try to comfort myself and I know I'm being ridiculous but the feeling is always there.

My FP just got a new job in a different state. He will be moving next month and he told me that he plans to ask one of his friends (that we've known since high school) to be his housemate since she is moving there too. When he told me this I immediately felt awful. When they were in college together she made a move on him, but she was the type to hook up with anyone at the time. They are good friends. She's advanced her career and is basically everything I am not - a functioning human who is successful in what she is pursuing. I don't even care if he was interested in her. My FP and I care for each other a lot, but it seems as though he doesn't want to add weight to our relationship. I just feel like i'm constantly confused and insecure. Like I'm just waiting for my relationship with him to end when he moves on to bigger and better things. We've been talking a lot because of quarantine, but when life "returns to normal" I expect he'll go back to being a social butterfly and living his best life while I struggle to graduate and try not to relive trauma. I keep telling myself that the way I feel about him and my actions are toxic for me, that it will be better if I talked to him less, but it would probably just give me another year or so of heartbreak and depression.