as a warning: this will contain alcohol and drug usage and abuse... likely in detail. please turn back now if this is not something you can handle or you are going to give me something alone the lines of ‘just STOP it’s easy’ or etc... 
ALSO contains: me rambling, lots of mental illness talk, mentions of injuries and hospitals, car accidents, verbal/physical abuse potentially?? i think that’s all...

i’ve been trying really hard recently. at least, i feel like i have been? but there’s always something in my chest that kind of... makes my heart thud so hard my chest hurts and my lungs seem to start refusing to work right. i feel like i’m on edge all the time, and i absolutely Need something to pull me back and/or distract me.

i know part of what’s causing this is my switch-off on substances. i’m 1 week from being 2 months off of alcohol, but i can’t stop myself from latching on to something else to replace it. i know it isn’t healthy, and that changing out one bad habit for another isn’t any better. 

right now it’s cocaine. i was briefly doing acid anywhere from 3-4 times a week, before losing access to that and having the opportunity to try cocaine. (though never before anything you HAD to snort, and most certainly nothing harder than what has already been mentioned.) when i was drinking i never wanted/needed to do any drugs this often, aside from daily pot smoking to mellow me out and help me sleep. 

i just... want to be able to have fun, the way i used to? i know there are other ways to enjoy yourself but i’ve been told before i’m ‘more fun’ when drinking/under the influence and ‘seem happier’ and ‘more open’ and to be honest it makes me feel like i real person. it makes me relax. when i was drinking i felt like the best me, invincible, normal, likable, and drunk-me was/is definitely more popular and well liked than me when i’m not.

i’m funnier, more upbeat, friendlier, capable of talking like a Normal Person, not literally shaking when i meet new people, not ashamed to speak or be myself, open to acting letting people in/trying to know people... some of my best memories are drunk, and some of my best friends have been made and kept through drinking.

but.... of course... some of my worst memories involve my alcohol usage.
simplified examples: getting bodied by a midsize sedan, alcohol poisoning (x3), er visits (x2), sleeping w/ near strangers or close friends due to... drunk me being drunk me i guess?, involving myself in/initiating dangerous and/or potentially illegal activities, dissociating, 9/10 times being blacked out and remembering nothing and (so i hear...) sometimes turning into a Whole Different Me, getting into verbal and/or physical fights with friends/family/strangers, dissociating and trying to seriously injure a former fp (only stopped by another former fp, who said he did Not want to have to put me on the ground but it had to be done).... the list goes on i guess. 

cocaine feels a lot like alcohol, but without the loss of awareness. maybe that’s why i’ve been leaning on it so much? it also keeps me from sleeping 24/7. i KNOW that doesn’t make it okay or good for me/my bank account but. it has all the upsides of being drunk without the sloppiness and eventual emotional outburst and/or loss of self. i guess.

tl/dr: i’m really struggling letting go of alcohol and miss it a lot and have been substituting cocaine in its place. i want to be totally clean and not so reliant on these things to feel okay/normal but somehow i always talk myself into it. i don’t have a therapist currently, but i’ve become self aware enough to realize how this is negatively impacting me and likely worsening some parts of my mental illnesses. screwing up my sleep, making me edgy, causing me to bite my nails/pick at my skin/grind my teeth, generally bad for my health, making me more prone to quick changes of mood, likely to cause work issues, and likely to worsen my substance abuse issues as a whole.

it’s just so hard not to let the voice in my head rationalize all of this and convince me that this will be the LAST time and it’s only FOR NOW so it’s fine, it’s okay. i have no clue how to keep up the willpower to stop all of these things at once. if it isn’t right in front of me it is nonexistent, i’ve been able to talk myself out of drinking by mostly avoiding it. but this particular thing is around quite frequently and i find myself consistently partaking before my brain can catch up and the not stupid part of me points out this isn’t a great idea. sometimes i don’t even know who i am without these things. i’m KNOWN for my drinking abilities, and being generally outrageous on various levels. 

i don’t know if my addictive personality is related to my bpd or if it is okay to post this here and if it isn’t i apologize in advance! but thank you if you read any of this... getting it out feels nice if nothing else.