I don’t want to live in this brain anymore. I don’t know how to be normal and I’m very tired of pretending:( I’m tired and just want to cry. Sometimes I just wonder if there’s a purpose to this or any of this and a light at the end of the tunnel. The paranoia lately and huge waves of anxiety lately have been the worst part and I’m just starting to feel like I can’t tell what’s real from unreal (in my own thinking). Every day feels like a battle and my brain will just never shut off and I feel guilty about the smallest thing. I smoked (weed) last night and had a horrible experience (I usually feel fine after smoking) where I just felt enormous guilt for the people I’ve hurt in my life (not really lately more when I was a teenager). I don’t know how to feel good again. I’m not doing anything hurtful at the moment but I just constantly feel bad. Guilty. Like a dirty and impure person. But then I’ll ask childlike sometimes which, as a 22 year old woman, I also shouldn’t do?? I just don’t know how to “be” myself anymore. If I feel like someone doesn’t like me (which I felt last night from my roommates boyfriend) I’ll just spiral into all this paranoid and self hating thinking. 
 I’m actually undiagnosed but I’m pretty positive I have bpd, I recently started talking to a therapist who is also my dads therapist but I feel uncomfortable with the whole situation since she is my dads therapist (I’m 22 so she legally can’t tell him anything I say but still). 
Even 2 years ago it wasn’t like this. Even though I struggled with some things I felt a strong sense of self. I felt like a friend and someone who can give and receive love. I felt like I knew who I was and little things didn’t get me down so much... I don’t know how it changed or why I deserve this... I don’t know if talking to a therapist about the possibility of having bpd is worth it, or if I even trust therapists (I don’t for the most part). 
I don’t know, I’m just tired. I don’t know how to be human anymore