I’ll make this as short as possible, because it hurts to address. Over the past three months, I had gotten super close with a friend — Amanda — who, it turns out, has been going through very similar, depressive situations to myself. We bonded a ton over our problems — for example, we both got sent home from our college at similar times due to our mental health, and were able to comfort each other through those times. Eventually, it got to the point where Amanda became the person who’d call me when I needed help getting through a period of self harm, and I’d be there for her to talk after a stressful therapy session. 

Since a couple of days ago, we haven’t talked. Over this period, I was in a relationship with another girl, Katie. As me and Amanda texted more, I felt that we were perhaps romantically bonding over the trauma, but we never addressed it. Until one night, me and Amanda got drunk (separately, different locations) and we texted each other confirming that we both felt romantically. Though we did not have any physical interaction, we both felt awful. Amanda and Katie know each other, and naturally, Amanda told Katie the next day. 

I broke things off with Katie that night, and though she is upset, she has also been amazing about my mental health situation and understood a bit. But it’s been Amanda I haven’t been able to get back into contact with. I’ve sent several texts, to no avail. I know she is out and about, and that she is probably cutting me out for a bit (or, charitably, distancing) as she figures out the situation on her side. That’s fine, and it’s healthy, and it’s obviously her decision. She has her own things going on, and has to do what’s best for her — even if it hurts for me. Additionally, I was the bad guy in this situation, and handled it awfully. I don’t deserve pity.

What I’m asking for is not how to “win” this friendship back — I guess just how to fill the void. I have other friends, but not someone I could talk to who had been in the same situation as me, who could seemingly listen endlessly with no judgement and permanent empathy. Now that’s gone. My life was already difficult before this — self harm, suicidal ideation, permanent stress. And now, without her, I feel like it’s just the straw that broke the camel’s back. And it’s my fault this happened.

Sorry, this ended up being too long. I just feel like I’m at a crossroads. I finally had one connection I felt like I would never lose, and I found a new way to lose it.