Actually right now, despite missing him, I’m incredibly and finally calm. And well, there’s nothing I can do about it since bridges have been completely destroyed. For some reason I’m still investigating, this relationship got me drowning in my own emotions since day one, and it lasted for two months.

I really haven’t figured out why. Could have been due to external circumstances (job search/isolation), trauma from last relationship or finding myself in an emotionally unsettling situation. I was and am in therapy (although I don’t like my therapist at all) and talking Lamictal and Buspar.

The fact is I just couldn’t bring myself to feel at ease around my ex boyfriend, even physically together I was always on edge, like I couldn’t trust him and actually just waiting for the other shoe to drop. It felt bigger than me, almost primitive, because when we were together he was very caring, always checking on me, got me gifts and even remembered to give my father a packet of special coffee he thought he’d like. And that should be enough to calm one’s mind and heart, right?

However it all happened so fast I didn’t have time to nor was allowed to adjust and some things might have piled up subconsciously.

- We didn’t talk much before going on a date, there was no deep connection being built prior despite our matching interests and that’s a huge thing for me because well,  that’s how I build trust since I’m a quite complex person and I don’t want the other to find out who I am only later on

- He wanted us to be official on our second date (he was drunk) and when I later suggested talking properly about it he got very defensive and said that he *knew* that I didn’t want to be with him and I should let him know wether I wante to continue or not (I ended up apologizing and never brought up this topic again)

- Whenever I brought up any communication issue he’d either dismiss me (things are okay in my opinion so you are starting trouble and should deal with it by yourself), shift the blame (saying he was distant because I was distant or that he was ignoring me because I was ignoring him) or just flat out make assumptions about me (saying I hadn’t gotten over my ex or talking to him as if I was replying the guys who hit on me in my DMs). These things were either not true or something I wouldn’t even be aware of if I hadn’t asked if things were okay

- He was openly flirty with a LOT of women in his social media, not while we were together but who knows what happens in DMs. We “met” on Twitter and during our time together I saw him liking every picture (even going back and liking older pictures) and often interacting with a specific woman and just forgetting I even existed on that website (I would go days without a single mention or like from him). I admit it sounds petty and childish but well, it felt weird

- He once flat out told me he didn’t care if we talked or not and if the relationship wasn’t to my liking I should simply get out. Actually I was often left on read and got short answers.

Of course all these small bits of info put me on a state of constant anxiety, it felt limerent actually. I had nightmares he’d get angry, ignore and then break up with me. I had that deep deep sensation that he didn’t like to talk to me, he didn’t care about the things I did, said or like. That brought bad behavior on my part. I mostly sighed to myself and went on with my life whenever he ignored me but by the end I started to snap with some “oh c’mon not again!” or 6 messages in a row or phone calls if he left me talking to myself mid serious talk. It got to the point where while sobbing I told him I just wanted to be comforted and told things were okay because whenever I asked him if things were okay between us he’d tell me “yes and if it’s not for you then that’s your problem”. 

It all started to negatively impact my life, like no relationship is ever supposed to. Bad grades, late at work, insomnia, crying fits, withdrawn… My BPD has surely created lots of drama and chaos in past relationships but I’ve never had something like this happen before, that *constant*. Now I don’t know if this is just BPD reaching levels within myself I didn’t know they existed or that was all somewhat justified.

It’s a very long rant and if you’re reading this thank you for your time! I’m really open to hearing other perspectives from people in all stages of recovery.