Hello everyone ,( sorry this is gonna be long ) I really don’t post on here too much because people normally don’t reply and I hope someone does… but basically I just turned 26 (F) and I feel like a complete loser and waste of space ? I have ALWAYS had mental problems and depression but when I hit 25, it makes the depression I had as a teen and early 20s look like a joke.  My life was going well early last year because I got a job at UPS, got my credit score up super high , bought a car , things were going ok , and was gonna make a career out of it but I basically got ran off from the job due to sexual harassment/severe bullying and in the midst of that I was going through a divorce from someone I was with for five years that was abusive as fucking hell both physically and mentally, and ended up having to live with this old man I didn’t really that well except from work to rent a room because I didn’t have anywhere else to go because I don’t have parental support like that. Anyway , Ended up going back to my old job that I fucking hate because I had to leave ups, and had to move AGAIN around summer when I hit 25 last year,  because the old guys lease was ending and he had to move , and around that time is when I hit rock bottom depression. I moved in with a friend ( currently living with now ) that I do care about and am attracted to and he honestly is a good person. We got a townhouse apartment together with separate rooms and we are kind of a thing in a sense but not officially because I don’t want to get into a LEGIT relationship with someone right now because I’ve always been in a relationship since I was 17 and because My mental health is the worst it’s ever been. ( he is aware of all this and says it’s ok even tho I feel like it isn’t deep down inside ) I also kind of didn’t have anywhere else to go and needed to move in with him because I would’ve been homeless once again Since the old guy was leaving and the plan to move in with my best friend fell through because we fell out again. My mental health is completely trashed to the point where I’m constantly popping my meds ( adderall and gabapentin) to not wanna kill Myself. It’s so bad that I literally can’t function and don’t care about myself at all or want to live unless I do it. And now I’m not working because my mental health got so bad when I turned 25 last year when working my old job , that I quit.  ( around December ) I just couldn’t do it anymore. I dreaded getting up and going. Drinking on the job. Felt suicidal before during and after I was there. 
My friend/boyfriend has been taking care of me and the bills which he says he has no issue with but I feel terrible for It and I feel even more terrible for it because I don’t even want a job really because I’m terrified of being around most people and every job I’ve had in this town since I was 18 has been utter shit because the people are so fucking mean and ostracizing here or some crazy insane shit happens and I have been working my ass off nonstop since I turned 18 (didn’t really have a choice. Was living with my father and stepmom as a late teen and my dad is addicted to meth and alcohol so he pretty much ran me the fuck off) to the point where I couldn’t focus on college and dropped the fuck out because I was working so damned much and getting treated like shit and raped by my first ex. 
When I turned 26 it got even worse , a sort of existential dread set in like what the fuck am I doing with my life. I envy people that don’t need drugs to function and envy my younger self because looking back , i was miserable and depressed sure because I’ve honestly had an extremely abusive fucked up childhood and life  , but no where NEAR as bad as this is. I didn’t start self medicating until 24. But it still wasn’t as bad as it is now. 
I feel burnt out. I’m literally at home every day wasting away laying down or if I do need to get up and do something , I have to pop my pills. I couldn’t even go to my doctor appointment this morning without taking my adderall and like 45mg at that. 
I have no desire to do anything. I won’t even answer the phone because I have no interest in anything anymore. For the first time in my life , I can barely take a shower or eat. I manage to brush my teeth and that’s it. 
I have had several strong suicidal urges within the past year to the point of hospitalization trips and three weeks ago I had alcohol poisoning and almost died, stupid I know because I’ve been burying myself in drugs and alcohol to escape the pain of living. 
I have also overdosed on other things the past year. 
I realize also I’ve been dependent on men my whole adulthood ( also because they’ve been the only ones to help me which is mostly due to their attraction. Cause I can’t seem to make female friends at all ) and it started from having to move out from my dads after graduating high school because he treated me like shit and would take my money etc so I jumped into living with my first boyfriend who raped and beat the hell out of me. so I’ve been in a pattern of living with men because the only thing I really have going for me is my looks apparently. 


 I’m not even really looking for advice necessarily especially if it’s  go outside , get some exercise etc. I’ve honestly tried all that. I did that last year and it didn’t do shit. My job I went back to is fedex so that’s exercise and I’ve always eaten healthy etc… Which Is why I started to abuse drugs and now my medication. Didn’t change the fact my life is in shambles and I’m a failure so i take these drugs because they make the voices go away. 
Now I’m smoking weed too. I literally cannot be sober. 
I’m just looking to be understood, acknowledged by maybe someone that gets it or knows. Or something. 
And now I just turned 26 like a month ago and have nothing to show for in life and this is what I’ve become. An idiot woman continuing the cycle of depending on men only now it’s worse because now I’m not working and am afraid to and addicted to self medicating…. 
Sorry. For all the text 
Hope ur all doing well