My ex is my fwb. We meet maybe once or twice a week. I DON'T love him anymore. I DON'T want him back.

Today I mentioned him he's very busy these days. He just said yeah. And then my BPD of course acted up and now I have the urge to throw up these words at his FB: "of course you are, you must have so many better people to be around these days :)". 

I really don't need that manipulative sh*t from myself anymore. I really don't want to say those things. But the stupid urge, the need, the WANT to say those actually HURT in my throat. Like I'd accomplish anythign with such negative, self-harming words. I don't want him to feel he needs to start the effing "of course you're good, bla bla bla" -routine. I hate this NEED! I HATE BPD! I HATE THAT IT MAKES ME WANT TO DO SUCH BS THINGS!

So now I just steam in my anger at myself, try not to say anything to him and hurt from my throat. Nice.... Makes me want to cry.

Edit: And then I go an f*ck up everything by opening up to a friend (male), who asks the wrong question and I went ballistic on him about stuff. F*CK! I'm such a f*ckin screw up. :(