I have suffered with major depression most of my life and have had one suicide attempt (many years ago). I have gone back to grad school and finding it increasingly hard to deal with my depression. This week has probably been the worst since I was 17 and ready to end it all. I’m not necessarily suicidal, but feel that I may not have control if I continue to spiral out of control. That said, because of my long history with this disease I have learned to ask for help and tell others when I’m not okay. I am in a somewhat long distance relationship and my boyfriend lives with me (honestly I feel like when it’s convenient) and is currently in the next state waiting for his new ID to arrive. Here’s the dilemma: BF doesn’t have depression and doesn’t seem to want to educate himself on what to do with a partner suffering. I don’t feel supported by him and am engaging in a back and forth essentially with myself to get his attention/help I need from the person who I thought could help me through this really rough time while I push him away and say mean things. 

Excuse me while I try to articulate all my emotions in a coherent manner. Here’s my number internal struggle in list form. 

1. I’ve explicitly said I need him here because I feel X, Y, Z. His response was that he simply needs to wait to receive his ID in the mail and will come then. 

1b. My thoughts: I am not a priority. In my hyper empathetic mind, have someone mail you the damn ID to my house. I mean if he told me he was in this horrible place I would be there without hesitation. 

2. He finally agreed about after a week of me crying daily and not getting out of bed for a full day at a time. (To be fair idk if he knows I didn’t leave the bed or maybe simply  can’t believe it, because yes I know sounds *crazy* to someone who has not gone through it.

2b. I know that no one is responsible for my feelings and don’t feel like I should have to beg him to come support me, so I tell him “you know what it’s not fair for me to ask this of you. Don’t even worry about it”. I know it can be a huge burden on a partner. 

3. He finally agreed to come earlier than planned and followed my advice to have the ID mailed. Great, but then goes out to party the night before, gets drunk, posts pics of himself having a great time and sleeps in the next day. 

3b. My thoughts: how could he say he cares and go get drunk with friends when I am hurting so much. I know I can’t force him to care, but really?! So I tell him “or get it don’t ever come back”

So aside from his behavior (which I can’t change) here’s what I am doing that I can’t seem to stop. I keep going back and forth from hopeful and hurt/extremely angry. I’ve now told him not to come because he clearly doesn’t care. A pattern I have engaged in over the last few days. I feel like I am going insane and no wonder the poor guy is confused. One text will be I miss him and need him and the next will be about how he obviously doesn’t care and I don’t need him at all. I see it happening and can’t stop. It’s coming from a place of hurt, but I just seem to be pushing him away!

As I type this, it all seems so trivial. But I feel stuck and unsupported. The question of what to do with the relationship is not really my issue. I am not in the right mind to make any important decisions, I guess I am looking for advice about what to do in terms of stopping this back and forth thinking and keep myself calm until I can see psych on Tuesday. 

TL;DR I keep going back and forth between asking for help and pushing loved ones away during depressive episode. Feeling out of control. Please help.