I have some issues with remembering. 

I used to be fascinated with schizophrenia until I became more focused on the why and how of the illness. It seems I forgot to think the way i used to. I was becoming the illness? 

Anyways, I started recording every possible moment I was not 'the illness'. I would make programs/causal models to return to who I was... that didn't work because I found out I don't have a good reputation. I was not respected for my personality and it isolated me. 

I went to war. I fought to know who I was and not who people say I am. I would write when I was inspired and later read the writing [some were journals and others pieces of manuscripts to provide stories for people to read] asking myself "how did I write this? Who wrote this because I don't feel/resonate with the way I was when I wrote this?". I wanted to monetize this because I had no chance with employment until I cleared student debt. That's when I saw the "work" of those around me. It was all those things they said about me telling me "no, it's not you, it's weed talking". I never hid my schizophrenia but it doesnt seem to be possible to some people. I took that ignorance and I put it into my writing to also bring awareness. 

The war that really uprooted my idea of myself was the one I faced in my own home. "You're narcissist and you are incapable" they said. In return I said "what is narcissism? They are what they think/project onto me. Let me expose them". I thought about all the people who say "the media controls this and that" and I tried to understand them. Found out those people who championed telling me who I am are the media, just without cameras and networks. 

What a mess, but at least I am building a relationship with my subconscious and 'the illness' is much more understandable to me. Anyone experienced weird trials because of schizophrenia? How'd you cope or reflect on it?