I feel so ugly and unlovable and undesirable. I feel like a convenience until my burdens show and everyone leaves.

few years back boy I loved who never said I love u back left me for his cheating ex. she cheated on him again, and I let him back into my life about 2-3 times (I'm dumb I know, I guess I was hoping for a different ending). each time wouldn't last for more than a month or so and he'd just... leave me hanging. 

last time he tried was earlier this year and I was being firm by asking what he wanted and he kept avoiding the question, then he kept repeating I don't care if u hate me why won't you yell at me, over and over.

 I think I stayed cuz I thought he made me feel safe, but because of how he kept leaving me, I actually had the worst split I've ever experienced. I could barely remember it but a screaming childlike persona came crying out cuz he said one wrong thing. I was screaming don't touch me get off me (past issues from different men). this ex never did anything like that, but he left nearly the same pain for me. was not great for my abandonment issues.

maybe about last month, a friend of mine from when we were teenagers contacted me. I used to have a crush on him and I had a feeling he liked me too, but he dated a WAY older woman (borderline pedophilic if I'm being honest) for a long time. even if he'd call me crying cuz she was pretty emotionally abusive, I'd just support him and nothing more. didn't see much of him while they were together, and they officially broke up maybe last year.

he suddenly contacted me and asked me out three or four weeks ago. date went really great, super casual and comfortable and he really respected me. he warned me he'd be busy and I said great, I'm not into super clingy all the time. I won't disclose why he was busy, but it was very good reasons and he was sending me proof. 

until I didn't see him for three weeks. the first two weeks I was putting my hopes up, he'd always message me update me and then had to cancel seeing me. I left him a message a week ago checking up on him and he just... hasn't replied back. he sees my Instagram and Facebook stories, but.. nothing else.

I was really sad and mad at first, now im just empty.

my friends tried to tell me I had no reason to be mad, it wasn't a defined relationship. but how can I agree with that when he put all these ideas into my head? he literally told me about all the trips we'd go on, how much he thought about me, how much he missed me, what dates he wants to take me on....

my friends saying it was an unjustifiable reason to get mad almost made me flip out. I can barely hold a mood or emotion sometimes and now I'm being told my feelings aren't right to have, that im being toxic for feeling upset.

I half hope he explains what happened, but at the same time... should I even try to let him? what if I'm just lonely and insecure? and what would've been a minute of his time to give me a heads up that he was busy?

I feel really stupid. I let myself be vulnerable and I just always get left hanging. I can't even talk to my friends about it because they don't think it's a big deal. I just always feel like such a convenient trophy to have but once things get a bit uneasy I get left in the dust.