I'm honestly scared as fuck.
This week is so fucked.

First, my cousin died. 
Tomorrow I'm going to her funeral, I'm eben carrying the coffin. Never was on a funeral before. What if i mess up somehow?
What am I supposed to do? 

I was buying a suit with my dad for this and i really dislike my dad. He probably is the reason for bpd. I dunno. 
Anyway that day was incredible stressing. 
My dad doesn't know that i cut, but he saw a bad scar on my hand. That cut was deep to the flesh. 
He wanted to talk to my mom about it. 
Making me feel extremely uncomfortable.
Also, I'm not a kid anymore. I'm an adult. But he is too scared to talk to me about that because he is a fucking pussy.

Then I'm getting my first job next week.
I was unemployed for 4 years because of depression.
Today I'm going to talk to the boss and get everything worked out and I'll start working Monday.
Wednesday this week i had a little test run in the company for a few hours. That was scary as hell.
I'm fucking scared of my first real Job.

Also Saturday, after the funeral, I'll meet up with some friends get drunk as fuck, maybe smoke a little and enjoy my time. It's a good thing, but it's still fucking with me while having everything else going on.

And also, how do I say this...
It's no nut November.
I'm a pathetic ugly little man who never had a girl and was fapping like twice a day. I'm trying NNN because a friend told me you feel way better with the testosterone in your body. 
Haven't fapped in 4 and a half days and it's lowkey hard not to.
I know this sounds pathetic, but it is how it is.

And last but not least I had beef with a former online friend. She is a backstabbing bitch. She actually had BPD too and uses this as an excuse for everything she did. 
I helped her so much even when she was being blackmailed with her own nude pictures. I was the one who spend hours solving the problem.
We were friend playing several hours a day for months. 
And she backstabbed me and the rest of our group multiple times. And after throwing some facts in the table, her bpd clearly kicked in and she told me I'm irrelevant and worthless to her, she always used to talk shit about me behind my back etc etc and blocked me.
I don't want anything to do with her after what she has done but i feel bad for her. She needs help. I know exactly how she feels, i think you guys would too.
But I'm blocked so i can't help her anymore. 

There's just way too much going on this week.
Idk how to deal with all of this shit.