Hello, I've posted a few times in this sub but I'd like to introduce myself and write a bit about my experiences and symptoms. I am 25F, and have experienced some telltale signs of BPD for years. I originally sought therapy back in April 2019 for a completely separate issue (obsessive-compulsive behavior and other anxiety problems, in addition to unresolved feelings from a recent breakup). Over the weeks to follow, my therapist got to know me better and came to recognize my struggles with insecure attachment and fear of abandonment. At the time I was not actively dating, so all my experiences were recounted to her from memory - not in real time. I described my tendency to become heavily involved in romantic relationships very quickly, and how I struggle accepting the end of even short, ill-fated relationships. My last ended after less than two months, and took me over double that amount of time to recover from. Even now, I still carry a significant amount of baggage from it, not to mention the anger.

Fast-forward to last month. At the suggestion of a friend, I downloaded the Bumble dating app. Less than a day after doing so, I met someone (M, early 30s) in my area, and we instantly connected. We both studied the same field in college (though I am still in college) and I was very attracted to his intelligence and sense of humor. It didn't take long, though, for me to notice that he was slow to initiate things. I gave him my phone number and asked him out on our first date. Granted, he was always very enthusiastic about talking to me and seeing me, but I won't say it didn't bother me. We began to text daily.

I met him in person a month ago, and we've been on five dates so far. He tells me he is optimistic for the future, but he has dealt with his own failed relationship as well. He wants to establish a friendship with me before jumping directly into a romantic/physical relationship, as he thinks having this solid "foundation" will prevent him from repeating some mistakes of the past. I know it might sound like bullshit, but honestly, I tend to agree with him. I've had a few relationships, yes, but I've moved too quickly in most of them. Especially the last one, where I agreed to be the guy's girlfriend after one date. I want to take it slow with this new guy, though I'm a bit afraid of him friendzoning me. We do flirt and he has gotten better about initiating dates (we both refer to them as "dates", not just "hanging out"). I crave his physical contact but I don't want to push it and have him pull away from me.

I do find I need constant reassurance from this guy. He recently joked about "texting me tomorrow to show he still likes me". What he doesn't realize is that those words reflect my daily reality. We could have a conversation on any given night, say goodnight, and then I'm a sad, bitchy wreck if I don't hear from him by noon the following day. Last week he went out with friends to an event and I didn't hear from him all day, and the only reason I was able to minimize my reaction was because I was out with a different date on that night (this has since ended). We are still not exclusive. I tried dating multiple people to keep my attachment from focusing solely on one person, but it didn't work in the way I'd expected it to. It just made it easier to experience anxiety about multiple people equally.

Other than the attachment/abandonment stuff, I notice other signs of BPD within myself. I struggle financially because I tend to spend impulsively. I've been in an accident after driving recklessly. I have a history of self-injury. I actually was able to go years without SI but relapsed last month after I hadn't heard from the guy all day. Nothing serious, but the feelings and intent were there just as they were when I was 15 and actively cutting. I find I tend to be a "chameleon" in dating situations and adopt some of the interests of my partners. This has ranged from music tastes, political views, hobbies, and even influenced my college major before I changed it to suit my current interests. I struggle with anger (what my mother would refer to as "flying off the handle" when I was a child).

A few dates in, I finally revealed to this guy that I'm currently in therapy. He didn't seem shocked or turned off, but I wasn't really expecting him to. He doesn't know why I'm in treatment, though, and he certainly doesn't suspect BPD. I figure we'd have to be in an exclusive romantic relationship for several months before I'd be willing to have that conversation with him.

My therapist believes many of the symptoms are present, albeit in a mild form. Mine tends to be directed inward rather than manifesting in violent outbursts or reactions. Do I send the person I'm dating 10 text messages if I don't hear from him for an hour? No. Do I fear him spontaneously losing interest if I don't receive a "good morning" text from him? Oh you betcha. I try not to get my hopes up and am half-anticipating one of those classic "I'm sorry but I'm not feeling a connection/it isn't going to work" texts from him. This fear has triggered my obsessive/compulsive behavior and thought patterns.

I want so badly for this to work out. I want to be his girlfriend and be able to give him all the affection I know I've got inside me. I know I've only known him for a few weeks but the feelings are there. Everyone always offers the advice that I should stop focusing so much on whether he likes me, and start paying attention to whether I like him. But I do, and I'm trying to be patient. He's been pretty honest with me so far and I know it's a good sign that we still talk regularly and go on dates. He asks me about myself, my past, seems to laugh at my jokes. But I can't shake the fear that it'll all end soon. It even feels like I'm tempting fate by writing this, like I'm jinxing myself.

Up until this point I've met with my therapist for weekly sessions. She has suggested shifting our treatment approach in light of this new diagnosis, and I'll be starting twice-weekly sessions - one for our normal talk therapy, the other purely for learning DBT skills.

Anyway, that's what's going on in my little corner of the world. Thank you for reading if you've made it this far!