TW⚠️(if you stuggle with existentialism do NOT read)

this is basically just a hella confusing rant/ “shower thoughts” that prolly makes no sense. 

idk if this is just me, but idk if i really plan on living that long of a life. i would rather never have existed then have to experience something like dementia or alzheimer’s when im older. i’m not saying i have any plans to “off” myself at a certain age but i just don’t think i wanna live for too long. kinda like we are here for a good time not a long time. it kinda makes me sad but then i think, from a universal perspective, my lifespan, which people say is short, but the longest thing we can experience, is equivalent to a blink of an eye. 80 years gone in a blink? It’s nothing but everything at the same time. if time is relative atleast, it doesn’t matter if i “blink” a lil faster, idk what this means for my future, idk if one day i’m gonna just give up, or stop taking care of myself or just stop everything, or maybe i’ll keep going until i’m meant to die. i don’t believe in destiny, i believe in karma (relative) and things that happen are meant to. but destiny seems too irrelevant. i’m not religious, so idk what to expect after death, im assuming there will be something however i don’t rly believe in heaven or hell, for example if someone is raised or brought up in a harsh neighborhood and they had to steal food to survive, does that count as bad karma or just instinct? however i think the afterlife would be there as energy cannot be created nor destroyed, for all we know we are in a version of an afterlife right now. but idk where that will leave me and all my current experiences when i move on, even if my consciousness lives on, what abt my memories? did i forget another life? but that gets into reincarnation, which makes more sense then heaven and hell to me but i genuinly think the afterlife isn’t really abt heaven or hell type of stuff, and wouldn’t it need to exist? bc nothingness doesn’t exist, if you properly think abt it our brains cannot process the idea of nothing, you may be thinking a white canvas or black void, well that’s still something. n it kinda all ties to where we came from, everyone has ther own theories but if we are using the big bang as an example, yeah that created the universe but how did it start and from where? anywyas i wnet completly off topic. my main goals in life is to live it to the fullest, take each day by day, have fun, and experience ego death. but i’m not sure if i wanna live long yet. i don’t want to die in hospice i would way rather go out in my own terms. but not in a say way just a here for a good time yk. 

anywyas, ty for listening to my rant that i’m gonna read in the morning and not understand at all. 

but i feel like i’m starting to get better i think 

have a good night :)