I find myself genuinely not knowing how or even why I would even say this to any of my friends.  So reddit, you're it.

I think about talking to these people who I claim to be close to, who claim to be close to me.  I think about needing a hug, or even needing (and I can't believe I am saying this) to be held.  Just for a little bit of help to stand, to function, something...

Here's the thing...I don't feel comfort from any of them.  The hug I want is not comforting, the words are just things that are said.  And, what can be said, really?  What words are sufficient for me to feel better?  No one can teach me how to feel.  I stopped talking to them about the crap in my head for these reasons, and kept it all in - just casual interaction - but...it isolates me more.  

But my friends...I remember copping criticism from a friend for not checking in on her partner on one day, and at the same I get nothing.  That same friend was supposed to give me equal catch up time but took it all and forgot about me in the end (this has bugged me in the last week).  The other few...it's mainly just silence and help like telling me to go back to sleep when I am experiencing my insomnia.  Go seek therapy, don't do the bad thing.  Or just skirting around it all.  I feel as if I get criticized for not checking in with them, but get told that I should have reached out if I was in such trouble.  I mean...at some point you get fed up of reaching out, even for casual chat.  

So in a world where I don't feel comforted, why should I be upset that my friends don't really speak to me until I speak out?  That I don't get checked in on?  I think no matter what I think or say or feel in this life, I am expected to live anyway.  So, I may as well be silent.  I may as well keep it to myself.  Happy life or not, pain or not, suffering or not, disconnection or not, as long as I live that long life, whatever.  Fuck it.  

I'm just tired of doing the life thing.  Good or bad experiences, neither have made me think it's been worth it.    Nothing I have now makes me think it will be if I stick around.  Nothing in me can even imagine a better world for me.  To be honest, I don't even care about having one anymore.  

I'm tired.  That be my vent.