Hello!

For about 2 years I've found myself stagnating in life. Although I moved to a different country to study my dream masters degree, I find myself laying in bed all day, browsing the internet, skipping classes, avoiding responsibilities and hating myself toward the end of the day. I have experienced endless nights where I have promised myself to turn things around, but every morning I feel exhausted and just wanting to return to my shell. I have a healthy social life and a loving family, who will become financially dependent on me within the next  years. I also have aspirations of my own and as a kid my motto in life was to have as many experiences as possible. These factors only make it worse, as they add immense guilt and make me feel extremely uncomfortable. In order to cope, I engage in extensive procrastination for temporary relief, only to go over the same cycle the next day. Sometimes I engage in periods of disassociation, where I completely tune out from the external world. In such a phase, I actively order in food, do not leave my room and hardly make contact with friends and family. Even when not in such a phase, I feel very low on internal motivation and chase instant gratification over long term goals. 

Especially over the past year, I find myself tired on most days, where even getting out of bed and doing basic tasks seem very tough. I no longer feel in control of my life, it just seems like I wake up and go into autopilot mode, do the absolute bare minimum and regret it at night. I no longer feel like I'm alive, but rather just existing. I haven't opened up about this to anyone, because I always thought that I 'choose' to be this way and felt embarrassed about it. I always believed that I will overcome this phase by myself and therefore, there is no reason to talk about it since it is temporary. Given that my condition is worsening rather than improving, I'm starting to understand that maybe my brain is attuned to feeling this way and that external help is the best thing I can do to improve my state. 

While I am planning on visiting a therapist and psychiatrist, I would also want to develop healthy habits that may help me get out of this rut of procrastination and self-hatred. If you guys are/have struggled with feeling this way, let me know what made it better. For me, forcing myself to just get out my house and go for a walk while listening to music helps, along with observing the sunset whenever I get the chance. Its not enough, but its something :). Thank you for reading through and I am proud of you for making it through everyday!