Hi all. So I’ve experienced death a lot in my life for being so young. My grandpa/father figure at 12, my dog that I literally had watched her die as my mom raced home, my ex took his life, my friend took his life. 

My grandma on my moms side has been battling with dementia for 3 years now, 9/10 she doesn’t know me or my son.

My dads mom was 92 and she died a couple weeks ago to cancer (no treatments bc she was a lot older). I had become close to her and my aunt before she died and talked to her before she was unable to talk and idk. Like yeah she’s at peace now blah blah but like... I’m not at peace? Obviously I don’t wanna drag her back her lolll but I don’t understand and I don’t know how to explain this to my family/friends. I’ve experienced sooo much death. Or am I just fucked up cause of my BPD and experience is differently? Or both. Help please 😔 I want some article, some comment that will help. My triggering behaviors are slowly getting worse and worse.