Hey guys. Feeling down and need to vent. So my doc suspects i have bpd. And I see it. I'm a black and white thinker. And an impulsive person. Mood swings. You guys know the rest. So. Anyways onto the story. I finally became motivated after all this time. And contacted a place to be on a waitlist. An "application" if you will. I called out to my mother if I should add any more details. She told me to read it out to her. She burst out into laughter. Because of how I communicated. How I talked to people. I explained I didn't like how she laughed at me. She told me I raised my voice. (It wasn't yelling). But I was upset  I just needed advice. Not mocking how I communicate.  I went to bed early crying. This was yesterday.



Onto today. My mother came into the washroom and told me I plugged the sink. She put bleach in letting the drain soak. And told me to put hot water to clean it out.  I did and asked her to come in. To see if it was good to her standards. She turned on the cold tap. And literally 2 mins later told me I turned the cold tap on. I raised by voice and told her she literally just did that. I'm pretty sure she tried gaslighting me. She starts yelling at me saying I shouldn't have raised by voice to her. I tried defending myself.  But everyone including my younger sister starts accusing me for "starting shit" okay. Whatever.  I go jump in the bath. Hour or so later. Mom comes in. Tries to talk to me. 


She tells me that something psychological is going on with me. That something isn't right. And that I never defended myself when I was younger. Why the change now. (A pacifist when I was a child). I tried explaining to her that laughing at me yesterday wasn't right. Nor was the gaslighting.                  TW. TW. TW.






She grabs the razor and makes an indication of her slashing her wrists. (She didn't actually do it obviously) She says she's better off dead. I tell her to drop it. She puts it down. And then says she thought this conversation was going to be better. And leaves. I feel like I'm breaking again. Going down that deep rabbit hole I pulled myself from. I honestly don't know what else to do tbh. I'm starting to think of moving out for my own sanity. Alot sooner. (Supposed to give a months notice before I do move out. But this is taking a toll on my mental health) got any advice guys? Should I leave in 5 days? (The 1st is payday.)