CW: relationships, emotional abuse, therapy


I have been with the same girl for over five years. In the first few years, I engaged in a lot of emotionally abusive behavior.  I did this, most often unknowingly, during paranoia and splitting episodes. That I abused my partner is a truth I hate to admit, and I have to in order to help my partner heal and move forward in DBT. 

I've been in DBT for about two yesrs, and my skills are improving immensely. My gf and I are doing alot of healing work, and she's been gracious and forgiving. She's verbalized that she sees the work I'm doing, and that she finally feels safer expressing her feelings to me. 

Unfortunately, the flood gates have opened. She is now unloading ALL of her grievances on me. Years' worth. During these moments, she’ll hurl invalidating and very pointedly hurtful things at me. I think she gets defensive that I’ll start abusing her again so she goes off, bad. I know she doesn’t mean to explode, and I know she's processing her trauma, but I feel like I can barely bring up her groevances in my therapy before I'm getting hit with the next "You're such a self-centered asshole", followed by "You're a good girlfriend", followed by "I feel like you're tricking me", followed by "We're all good". 

I am happy we're healing. I love her so much and I'm so intensely sorry for the pain I've caused her. Being held accountable so that we can grow is at the top of my priority list. But this behavior is overwhelming, hurtful, and chaotic. Frankly, it’s not helping us either.  

Am I just supposed to shut up and take it? (I tried bringing that question up to her and she said she took my shit for years, so I should understand). Somehow I don't think what’s going on is healthy. All it's doing is building nagging resentment. So... Should I bring this up with my therapist? Maybe couples counseling?

Thanks yall.