Usually when I start to fuck up a little and do things that don’t align with me I almost use it as an excuse to continue to spiral. 

I was a stripper. I hated it. Never do that to yourself, trust me. Especially if you’re trying to heal. Might go more into it on a different post. 

Lately I’ve been fucking up on some of my values and yesterday I said fuck it and decided that I’m broke and need to be a stripper again. I put all of the important shit that I needed to do to the side and decided for some reason this was the one thing I needed to do NOW. I talked to the club, applied, pretty much secured myself a spot. I didn’t allow myself to think it through because I knew my higher self didn’t align with it anymore. I knew that this wasn’t truly what I wanted and it was just a form of self destructive behavior. 

But today I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I was at war with myself about how I knew this wasn’t the answer but I kept suppressing myself. I could hear the voice in my mind begging me to reconsider and I would literally feel so ashamed I would try to shut her up. I wasn’t even in my own body it was my conditioning that forced myself through all of these steps, almost like I was going so fast so I wouldn’t get caught (by myself). But it all came out. This isn’t what I want, truly. 

Every time I go through one of these stupid spirals, the people around me are left to pick up the pieces. 

I’ve realized how unfair this is to them. It must be so draining to constantly try to help and feel so unheard. I can’t keep doing that to them. Sometimes it feels like my best friend is just someone that I go to for support…. But like in a fix me way. I didn’t even notice until now. In fact, we barely see each other and I cancelled our plans together to go audition at the club. That must have hurt… seeing I talk about how much I hate it… yet chose it over her. 

But this time I stopped myself. I decided I didn’t want this pattern to continue this time. And I’m really, really proud of myself.