I'm feeling a little all over the place so excuse what is about to come.

I've been very s\*\*\*\*dal lately cos there is just so much going on with me right now. Stuff that has been plaguing me for years. I've just posted in Body Dysmorphia btw because that is my main issue.

I feel like I've lost all sense of self. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore because I don't recognise myself. My facial injury isn't completely disfiguring (other people say they don't even notice it) but there is still scarring and redness that I'm not just imagining (I'm not sure if this correlates to BD or what).

I feel like I can't be myself. My automatic "monkey brain" self. Obviously this isn't a good thing, all the time. My emotions and thoughts are very fluid (I guess everyone's is?) but it's to the point of S ideation. The hard part was not the attempt it's self... but the effects of the attempt. The scarring. I pride myself on looking good (I know vein) but I honestly believe I have BD because before the attempted I mutilated part of my ear from a "perceived flaw".

I'm also not very social. I just got a new job reading gas meters and I don't have anyone to work with. At first I thought I would like it. But I hate the job and feel study. I'm studying to be a Clinical Coder as it looks promising with someone as reserved and recluse as myself.

I'm to hard on myself I just don't know how to stop it though. Mirrors are trigger for me. I don't know who I am if I can't look in the mirror and not like who I am... I did once like who I was... before the accident...

I was working today and every little thing was a trigger. I'm a 26 y.o man and I had to call my mum for conform. I was scarred hearing other people's voices. I JUST WANT TO CHANGE HOW MY NOSE LOOKS! The skin got torn off it from a fall and it's all red. Otherwise I have pretty good skin. I hate how vein that sounds but to me if something I tell myself when my mental health is sh\*t, "well at least you look good". MY brain is so fu\*cked up.

I don't have any friends apart from my boyfriend which seems estranged a lot of the time even though we live together. We sleep in sperate rooms but occasionally sleep together. He gets pissed off I fidget a lot when falling a sleep so sleeps in his own bed.

I'm worried about money because I hate my job now after 1 month working there (meters in weird locations, it's a lot on your back and knees). I thought this job would take the pressure off me studying as well but it hasn't. I'm also lazy and NEED alone time I can't STAND to be around for people for long. Today the whole day I actively avoided people which I'm not usually so bad.

The last few days have been so bad I've gone back on Medication (Prestiq) only to be feeling what I described earlier. If I could live in my own head all day with no one except my partner around. That would be bliss.

I'm to sensitive for this world. I won't more freedom. I want to heal from my mental conditions but I'm just expected to get on with things (which isn't inherently bad - should focus on being productive) but this is crippling. I can handle most things but just not this.

I have Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety/Social Anxiety, ADHD-I, Dyslexia and I'm some sort autism disorder or BPD.

I try my bets to be mindful but I honestly just want my brain to do whatever it wants. It's hard to be in control of it. But if I'm not in control I'm very stand offish with people. It truly hurts me and I'm obviously just deflecting some sort of emotional trauma on to other.

I have no interest of hobbies apart from women's wrestling (WWE) and internet drama. How lame and superficial is that. I usually do have a I don't give a fuck what other people think of me but the last 24 hours has been a major breakdown. I feel everything is going to go to shit. I won't lose my place though because I'm giving Austudy payments but I would be below the poverty line. I think that would make this worst. At the same time I need a break from work. I held a job for nearly 2 years before this one so I know I can but I get overwhelmed and flustered. Building connections with people is something I've never really been able to do. Honestly, all the friends I have no are people I've slept with. I don't know how else to form friendships as I have n relatable hobbies to anyone in real like (I guess only the internet - only then I lurk). Even if I had friends IRL with the same hobbies I find it embarrassing that my only hobbies are watching WWE women's wrestling and Trisha Paytas on YT.

I just want to be left alone but I don't want to be alone. I don't know how to fit in with society and all my relationships are strained because I do have a habit of pushing people away.

Nothing is going to change the past and scars are scars an never going away. I guess my only resort now is to see a Doctor who specializes in body dysmorphia to try and work thru this and become stronger. So I am hopeful in that regard.

I just need advice. My mind is all over the place I always think I being asshole tho not intentionally I'm just overwhelmed and introvert. So many things I need to work I just don't what where to start.

I'm going t taking things slow when I'm like this but my brain likes to make up the craziest sh\*t. I've been countering all those negative thoughts with more rational thought. Not so much looking at the facts because the facts are too much to bear... I feel I've f\*cked my life up but just knowing I have my mum who has been nothing much than a godsend has been a blessing. I feel she is the only one who gets me.

Btw, are my hobbies weird? I feel like I should be more in sport, cars or even art or something conventional. I'm just a weird person I guess. Oh, my memory is absolutely shot too. Probably due to anxiety.

I don't have much more to say. I'm not going to proof read this because I can't be arsed. Thank you for reading if you did. 

Lastly... Much love to anyone else suffering. Your not alone.