So my mom and dad separated when i was 5. He moved to another state when i was 9. So i started going to visit him every summer and winter break. But it’s not just him but also my ex stepmom and step sister. Ive never enjoyed going over there. I just was anxious and sad most of the time, and wanted to go back with my mom. Being with her doesn’t make my anxiety and depression go away but she doesn’t FUEL it ya know. The way my dad and ex step mom did things it just made me uncomfortable and feel nervous. I felt suffocated. And i thought that maybe it was just the step mom cus she was a bitch but even after she was gone i still just could not have a good time when i went over to my dads because he is always just adding to my anxiety. I have social anxiety and he has never been considerate of it and he always made me go places and it’s hard to ever open up about anything to him. It’s exhausting spending everyday wanting to die and with chest pain and feelings so overwhelmed that i start scratching the shit out of my face. It’s exhausting when i leave the house fully covered in a hoodie and sunglasses even at night and he thinks it’s funny that i’m so anxious. I don’t know how to talk to him. I thought now that i’m 19 i will have more of a choice about going over to visit him, but even now he’s telling me he’s gonna pick me up at the end of next month and i don’t want to go. I’m not ready.

The big issue is that his mom lives with him now. I don’t want to be around her. I can’t. She is super homophobic and the way she talks about everything makes me nervous. I’m gay and hearing the way she can go on for hours about how lgbt are an organization and all this other hateful disgusting shit she and my family over there says i just don’t like her and hearing her talk like that makes me so sad. And my dad is homophobic too and something that makes it hard to talk to him i’d that he will not believe what i say or he dismisses things. If i tell him he’s homophobic he will say i don’t care what they do but he does. I haven’t come out to him but he KNOWS how i feel about homophobia and i’ve been vocal about lgbt rights and my support. He just says “well that just your grandmas opinions” and he agrees with her at times.

The next situation is going to the beach with my mom’s husbands family. After we all get vaccinated and shit. I don’t want to do it. It’s too much. It’s too much to be around all these strangers. They are probably gonna ask me questions that old adults ask people my age. And this was supposed to be happening around the time of been visiting my dad. I haven’t told my mom yet that i won’t be part of this beach trip cus my dad is supposed to be picking me up. It’s because i don’t even want to go visit him in the first place i don’t even want to say out loud that it’s happening. Both of these situations make me want to explode thinking about it. 

In the past just telling my dad that i want to go back to home from visiting him at least a week before school starts because i need to mentally prepare myself (i fucking hated school) he got so mad and made me feel so guilty for not wanting to spend every moment of the summer over there with him. It’s like he does even listen to me. So that’s why it’s hard for me to just tell him i don’t want to visit him. He acted like I had a choice saying “you should come visit” “when you get your license you should drive down here” whatever but it’s just “i’m gonna pick you up”. What the fuck am i supposed to do? I’m too nervous to even propose going there at a later date. But i think i’d rather do the fuckin beach trip thing.