I’m struggling so bad right now - I made a post in another account - realized my SO could probably read it and deleted it. I don’t want to seem attention seeking. I should just delete the other account at this point anyway... anyway. 

I am spiraling into alcoholism and depression and have gone numb so hard. I am trying to pull myself out of them. I am trying so hard to watch my alcohol intake or just even cut it out - and I am feeling stressed out at work, I feel like a failure when it comes to relationships - family and intimate ones. 

Yesterday I was having a really hard time. I was going numb and trying to be supportive of my SO who got a promotion (yay!!). But I literally just felt nothing and I was trying to push through and be happy for them and not let my depression or dissociation become a burden. I was trying to apply therapy grounding skills and just distance myself. 

We ended up have a little to drink, and while I didn’t have as much as I usually do and I am proud of the steps down, the progress (baby steps you guys) - I still shouldn’t have drink with those feelings. We were walking back and my SO began to vent about something and I tried to say that I loved them but couldn’t handle it at the moment. I said that. Like that. They got defensive, but instead of distancing myself I snapped and said things I shouldn’t have. Told them to fuck off and I just feel awful. 

We both were a bit tipsy - and had more to drink, we both reacted - but I feel like a Goddamn monster. I can’t shake that feeling today. It just added all of those feelings on top of everything from yesterday. 

I want to just apologize - to work through everything. I’m scared to as well. I’m scared of communicating all those feelings above. I’m just tired you guys. I feel like such a goddamn piece of shit. I feel like a failure. I feel like I’m not good enough. I hate myself. This isn’t me. Not at all. I miss me.