So when I was just twenty I ended my first love affair. I started working in a pleasant and sweet shop with a guy who was a decade older than me. He had a child and he is a frustrated artist and just the type I thought was right for me. After something like half a year we lay down and felt so uncomfortable even because sex had a new concept and also felt very uncomfortable with my body, I was and still I'm tiny but with a big ass and legs and it is very working for my benefit today but six years ago I felt so uncomfortable and this guy named David made me feel a million times more uncomfortable because he reminded me again and again how much he loved a big chest and thin, small legs. So after that first sexual encounter, I had a really sweet boyfriend who loved me terribly but I became in love with David and had to break up with him. At the same time, David was wounded and I came to visit him every day. One day I told him I'm in love with you and we had sex and we continued to have sex and be in a relationship I stayed at his place every other day and the rest of the days we texted and talked all the time so I thought we are in a relationship because of all the  love words sex and talking. We kept it a secret at work. I did not think twice about it. I flew to Lisbon with a friend, all the time I talked to him I bought him gifts and only talked about how much we miss each other. When I returned I discovered that during this time I was away, in fact, all the time we were together for me he slept with other girls. I was completely broken. My whole world has cracked completely. Instead of getting in touch with him I thought maybe I was just not good enough and should try more so I tried more. But it happened again, he was sleeping with someone else. I cried so much and then David said to me, Come on live with me and we'll be together and I thought that means I won and now we'll be together and everything will be good but it was not. 

Everything I did was not good, everything I wanted to do was not interesting, he gave me an ultimatum to leave the job and worst of all he still kept it secret and acted as if he had no girlfriend - flirting with girls and did not tell his daughter's mother that he lived with someone. Another thing that was significant was that he threw the bed and turned the bedroom of the apartment into his ceramic studio and we had to sleep on a single futon on the floor. I was miserable. Without work. No friends because he did not like my friends. Without a good word. And with sex, I say please no, stop, but he did not stop. There was something more fighting - it was a game he liked to play with me I did not really like it at all. in the game he hit me as a game. At this stage and before that I was walking around with blue marks on my hands and especially on my inner thighs from the sex I did not want. I so much wanted him to just love me that I did not dare say anything. I was especially ashamed to admit to friends and family that I was not happy because that was what I wanted and I chased after him. I went more and more into myself. He decided we had to move to have a bigger studio. I had no work at this point because he told me to quit I had savings but because I was a responsible girl. He was minus NIS 100,000. I did not know it then. We moved to a larger apartment in half is a studio builder. I paid for everything. That same month he makes me surprise in Sex Walla enters the usual hole but two. Without my charm and with many tears. I did not go to University for a week because I cried but I thought well but maybe now he'll love me or maybe I'll finally do something for me. It was Purim and I really wanted us to go together for some time together and think that my sacrifice would allow it but did not want to. So I went to sleep in tears. Had I forgotten to say that two months before that I was two terror attacks in which I was scared to total anxiety and he responded to this how big deal and what you want. I woke up to a psychotic state. A dream and scenes came to me and threatened that I would kill him and tried to kill myself in order to free myself from this terrible misery. Somehow it did not help. I calmed down and talked about it being better and I would go see a psychologist because I'm sick and I'm not okay. And I was really wrong.

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We moved into the new apartment, bought all the furniture and paid all the bills. I used the twenty thousand I saved and then took a loan that I also used. We built his big studio for him. Still, not a good word, nothing I wanted  happen, everything was still secret, but a friend or two knew about me.

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So the next thing happened is that he met his legendary ex for a fun day and they together bought me a gift. The first gift he bought me. I was so angry that I was not important enough to go out with me to a cafe or just spend the day. I got so mad and again the dreams and reality. I read all of their correspondence on Facebook which included a lot of I love you. And when he came home I threatened his life again. We fought bitterly and I was full of blue marks. I tried to kill myself and then my parents came. They tied me to a chair until I calmed down.

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The next day I drank bleach. And I got to the hospital.

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Days later I drank about twenty pills. My parents came and took me to a family doctor where they set me up for another 3 months for a physicist. I got annoyed and shouted that there was no problem. I would just starve until then. Then they sent me to Avernale where I was forcibly hospitalized. After a terrible day, I lied and said I would not do it again. I did it again and my parents plushed my stomach. David came and asked me to come back  home. So I went home. Everything remains the same in terms of attitude. And once again I went out and bought sleeping pills and drank them all. my parents came and took me home with screams. My father talked to David and begged him not to talk to me again. This is a part I only knew about later. And I left  to live with a good friend of mine in other city and so I managed to live and escape all of this.

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