Lately I’ve been struggling a lot and I realized that I’m very provocative when I’m drunk. I want to get in dangerous situations and want to get beaten up by men. It hasn’t happened so far, mainly because I’m a girl, but I’ve been thinking about looking for someone online to just punch me in the face. 
Sometimes when I walk down the street at night and see men, I kind of wish that they raped me. I know that’s so wrong and in fact I’ve been raped before and it’s one of  my biggest trauma. 
I don’t know what’s wrong me, I feel seriously damaged.