I am the way I am because of myself. My parents didn’t do anything to me. I have a great family.

That being said I’ll start by saying I’m an Indian dude that lives in the US. If you know anything about us, we’re supposed to be “smart”. My brother is a genius. He got 5s on all his APs, (he took more than 13 I think) he was number 4 in his high school class, and he went to a top college where he graduated in 3 years and works at one of the big tech companies. My dad works at a bank makes good money, and came from a village where he went on to pursue his bachelor's degree at 16. My mom is pretty smart too but you get the idea. Then there’s me. I was in special needs till 8th grade. I struggled a lot with something I can’t quite figure out. I ‘had’ ADHD but after several visits to a highly esteemed psychologist, they deemed that my diagnosis was inaccurate. I later found out I had another problem called Auditory processing disorder, where vocal instructions given to me are delayed, thus the reason why everything that people say to me doesn’t register.

Once I got to the 9th grade I was able to convince the school that I was ‘too good for that’ and that I belonged in harder classes. Before this happened, I lied to everyone. None of my friends knew I had these problems. I’d pick up on the times people had classes, and claim I was in them. I even went so far as to create a fake schedule I’d tell people I had just so they wouldn’t find out. I avoided interactions with people where I’d face potential contradictions I’m a really good liar. A really really good liar. I hated being the dumb person. I went through friends really quickly as a young kid. As soon as they found out about my lies they’d confront me and I just wouldn’t talk to them again. I’m not in touch with anyone from the 5th grade or below because of that. After the 6th I somehow never got caught.

Ok so back to 9th grade. I’m taking some really hard classes(in hindsight they were dogshit easy but I’m in college rn so of course I’m saying that) and I really never got challenged before so I did pretty poorly. But I never really cared about my grades. It was all about what other people thought. So I lied again. I lied about my test scores. All of them. People thought I had a 4.7 gpa out of 5 but in actuality, I had a 3.7. (Lotta Bs). I got into college though and I made a vow to myself that I would lie about grades again.

Ok if you’ve been rooting for me for whatever reason I promise you’re gonna stop.

Because of how ‘smart’ and ‘great’ I am, I made sure I hung around with people that constantly reminded me of that. I just hung out with people who had better grades than me, but I made them aware of the academic status I’ve pedaled to everyone for so long, so they thought I was smarter. It made me feel superior. I felt like I was the best. I was such a good liar my friends thought i was a pretty brilliant guy. But college hit and I made my vow. No more lies.

Ok so now I'm here(I came with only 4 credits(calc 1) but I lied and said I had 11 because to deny that would be a contradiction) so I stopped lying about grades but I was still lying about other things. Luckily, I'm lying my way through one of those classes that I lied about APing out of by taking it over the summer. The lying will stop after this. I’ll have nothing left to cover up.

Ok, so that’s my lying problem. I kinda went over my superiority complex but it didn’t really get bad until college. I started doing better in college and I was pretty good. My classes were harder than the ones I took in high school but I got decent grades. I was doing better than some of the hs pals so now I really felt like I was just better. I would just act super smug. I never made derogatory comments about their performance but I would rub it in their faces that I was doing good.

While I was doing good I wasn’t great. There were people that were better than me and that bothered me. One of those people was my crush. While I got a 3.5 she got a 4.0. I hated that, and it’s what drove me to want to both do better than her and get with her. It became an obsession that ultimately ended up putting me at a slightly lower gpa because of how much I just obsessed over her. I never asked her out. I didn’t think the time was right. I told all my friends that it was because I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable, but the truth is that I didn’t really care about her. I don’t want her to be happy without me. I hope something happens to that perfect gpa. I hope that one day she comes to me weak And vulnerable where I can then provide comfort in some way that would bring me closer. I hate myself for that. I used to be nicer. I started working out. I don’t take pictures but I do enjoy looking at myself. Most of my friends aren’t very physically active so I’ll rub in the fact that I’m way stronger than them and that I look better.

I’ve never told anyone this

Please help