Sometimes when I really think about myself and all the bpd “symptoms” I have that I deal with on a daily basis I get suuuper sad and it makes me feel like I’m fucking crazy. I just don’t feel anywhere close to “normal” 
    It also doesn’t help that I have been sort of dissociating lately. I remember asking my boyfriend if he ever had days that just “didn’t feel right” (this was before I knew I had bpd) and of course he had never had that feeling. Now knowing what bpd is i know that these episodes where I don’t feel like anything is real happen when I’m dissociating. Nothing feels right. It’s like everything is just ever so slightly off. And of course I can’t fathom how any of this (as in the earth, universe, you know all the big stuff) works so it just furthers my dissociation from everyone and everything. I just feel like I’m this weird vessel floating along in life waiting to die one day. 
     Unfortunately my afterlife beliefs suck too. Like there’s no way there anything after this shit show. So I die then nothing happens. And that sounds super fucking depressing too. 
     So now I’m stuck in this weird state where I’m not really living.  I don’t really care to live but I also don’t care to die because that doesn’t sound like it’s going to be much fun either. So I just float on. Get up each day and my vessel takes me where I need to go as I just sit back and watch. It’s fucking wild and to realize this has been happening since I was kid is insane. 
   


I always feel the need to apologize at the end of every post just in case someone thinks what I said was stupid and I hate that. 
But anyway, I’m sorry if none of this makes sense. It’s just my thoughts 🤷‍♀️