I wrote a checklist of what goes on in my brain. Is this normal for depression or do you think I’m even more broken? 

 
Overwhelmed with the routine. Sorting out the Kids, sorting out the home, work, study,  often give up example  “what’s the point cleaning when it’s going to mess again” 

Distracted - can never finish one thing, get distracted and overwhelmed and go onto the next thing. So many loose ends that make me very anxious that I cannot or have not finished. 

Quick to anger when I get interrupted. It takes a lot to focus on one thing and when I get interrupted I know it will take a lot of time to get back to task if i can. I know this and get snappy and just give up with many interruptions. 

Terrible body image. Often don’t understand why my husband even stays with me. Why would people even like me. I look awful and  feel I am just an awful person inside and out.  Cannot accept compliments. I hate looking at myself in the mirror. Often I’ll avoid showers mirror etc so I don’t have to look at my body. I refuse to be in photos.  I’m always late because nothing looks good on me or I don’t have the right clothes. I refuse to buy new clothes because nothing looks good on me anyway. I feel frumpy, ugly, like an old lady. 

Thinking I am a burden and my family would be happier without me in it. Burden to friends and family. I’m just a waste of space, a shadow in a room. 

Intense guilt always. When I work I am guilty I am not spending time with children or family. When I am with kids I am guilty I’m not doing study or client work. I feel guilty I am even feeling depressed. I should be lucky I have a great support network. People have it way worst than me. I am lucky and I should be feeling how I am. 

I feel jealous of those who succeed when I feel I work 10 times harder and make so many sacrifices . I feel jealous of relatives that have time to play with my kids when I can’t (because of work/study commitments) I feel jealous my husband can leave and go to work, while I am at home. 

I feel depressed in my home. We have too much stuff and not enough space. It’s cluttered and I am embarrassed, we don’t have people over. 

I don’t like people looking at me in public. When I am out and see someone whispering or laughing I assume they are making fun of me or it’s at my expense. 

When something is said where I have been out of line or someone says something insulting to me I cannot forget. I over think this. 

I overthink everything

I am a perfectionist and if things aren’t perfect I’ll often do it again or consider myself a failure. 
I get very depressed with my grades if they are not 100%. 

I am terrified to look at our finances.  My husband and I fight about this the most. 

I cry often and often wish I wasn’t around. I have a history of self harm and lately it’s the only release of pent up anxiety. My kids are literally saving my life. When I drive in my car alone I often think about drifting out of the lane. Fast and quick into a tree. 

I can’t say no or delegate work to anyone else because I get frustrated and angry they will not do it properly. I have a lot on my plate with work because of this. 

I have panic and anxiety attacks and go into flight or fight often. I’ll waste time just staring into space. 

I’ve known I’ve had to see someone for so long. But I’ve hidden behind being an extrovert.