i’ve always had a general sense that i’m not good at anything i do, and that at any moment someone could point that out and my life would be over. and not just little mundane things, i mean core concepts of life. like having friends, i’m constantly worried that the few friends i have actually hate my guts. and i don’t live in the most supportive household so whenever i seek validation i know i’ll need a steady stream of it so i feel guilty for even wanting it in the first place.

recently a lot of bad shit has happened to me and it’s made me think that maybe i should feel like an imposter about everything. when i learned to drive, i made very few mistakes and was told that i was pretty good behind the wheel. i never believed it and a month after getting my license i got in 2 accidents within 2 weeks, both of which were my fault and now my license is suspended til december. 

i was in a committed relationship with someone i thought i was gonna marry, but there was that little voice in the back of my head that kept saying “this is all temporary, she will leave you eventually” and sure enough, 3 weeks ago she dumped me out of nowhere. or maybe it wasn’t out of nowhere and she slowly realized what i already knew. that i’m just not good at pretty much anything.

and i know about self fulfilling prophecies, which makes me feel like even writing this post is a stupid idea. i don’t know what to do. do i have a point? do i need to exist? are people better off without me?

sorry i kinda spiraled there. i’m just gonna publish this and go to bed. i’m sorry.