Few months back, I was in a huge slump. First time ever in my decades of living, it was new and extremely tough. Thinking back, I probably went from 85% to 10% in an instant. I couldn’t smile, couldn’t laugh at all, couldn’t muster any appetite to eat a proper meal. Everyday I just want to lie down, close my eyes and cry. It made things much worse with COVID restrictions. I thought I was depressed because of a rejection, or so I thought. 

Gradually got better and after 2-3 months, I guess I’m back to almost 70%? At least I’m functional, but still I end every single night with a black hole inside me. Life still felt meaningless to me, empty and worthless. 

Recently I had to deal with another rejection. I immediately went back to 20% this time, have an urge to scream, to cry, to just break down and let go of everything. Loss of appetite again, don’t feel hungry too. Life just seems so bleak and meaningless. 

Then I realize rejections is just the trigger to me. The fundamental issue is feeling alone in the world, no one to be around for me emotionally. No such thing as a “best friend”, love my family but they’re just not the emotional support I need or even have. As I write this, I also realize how terrible I have been living. I long for a hug, a simple hug and someone just keep patting me while saying “let it out” and “I’m here for you”.