I can't stand this anymore. I'm in a bad place again, but everytime I think it's the last time, but this last time happens over and over and over again leaving me exhausted. 

I thought I was just depressed, or weird, an awful person with shitty social skills, no selfesteem, unable to control their behavior and their emotions, not sure of anything in their life, in themselves, in their own brain. 

But the more I read into BPD, it's like my situation finally has a label to describe it. I'm also extremely anxious, extremely obsessive, these last few months I developed an eating disorder as well, I binge and purge, I panic over everything, I have a phobia of talking in front of many people, like presentations or talking in front of crowds, in a classroom etc. All after a series of panic attacks I had in highschool during reading aloud in class. I can't believe I can do anything good, even the skills I got, like I had a job, I worked as a waitress for 2 months, but after some time passed after I left that job I feel like I didn't even do it? Like I can't work, like I have no experience, like I can't do it again. I overanalize everything, my mind never shuts up. I can't believe someone can love me, even the boys that show interest in me, or a boy that many people I know told me had fallen for me, and he showed it, a normal person would go along with it, would see it, would allow it to happen, I felt like it wasn't possible for him to feel like this for me. I got away, I get distanced from everyone. I also snap and I can't control it, or in a conversation I'll start to talk really loud, I get angry easily and I hate it, or I think I come off as angry, I can't control anything. I've lost control over myself I'm scared I'm going crazy. I feel like a problem for everyone. And I read that many people with BPD end up killing themselves and I'm scared because I had dreams as a kid I had dreams as a teen and it's like I've become everything I hated back then. A scared little shit. I'm so disappointed in myself and I'm tired. At the same time I'm scared it's all in my head and I'm just a drama queen, a person who loves being a victim and it's just a flaw of character, I'm scared I'm becoming like my mom, I'm terrified. 

I don't know what to do.  