I’m tired, I’m really fucking tired. Both physically and mentally. Since my psychotic break / collapse last year, nothing has been the same. I’m drugged on antipsychotics that make me feel like a different person. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to come off; we tried a few months ago and the delusions and paranoia and fear are still extremely prevalent to the point that I might have some level of schizophrenia.

I don’t even know what I am. Apparently I was diagnosed as Personality Disorder not otherwise specified, Borderline Specific, high Narcissism tendencies. I’ve been going to three different therapies 3x a week. I’m so sad. My little world is gone. I no longer see myself how I used to; beautiful, powerful, successful, sexy. Instead, I see a fragile woman masking a sad little girl. My entire personality has done a 180. I no longer try to impress people. Now I just avoid people. I’m a total introvert.

I’m divorced and alone for the first time in my entire life at 26. I am so tempted to jump into another relationship. I’m craving connection. I’m afraid of being hurt and abused again. I’m also afraid of becoming codependent and controlling. I don’t know what I want, who I am, or where I’m going. I think about dying or killing myself often. I already had an attempt last year and failed during my collapse.

I wouldn’t say I’m depressed, just apathetic. I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel like a completely different person without me trying to uphold my facade, be competitive or impress the world. I’m tired, I’m just really tired.