I’m pretty sure that other have been here before but I somehow feel alone in this. My bf and I started to have some issues about a year and a half into our relationship. He was struggling with things and was struggling to maintain patience with my BPD struggles. I began to feel like shit and like I had to prove myself to him so he wouldn’t leave me. I thought it was all my fault. I was struggling to accept that I lost the spark myself during this time because I was so focused on getting his validation. We got to a point where we broke up for a day and that motivated him to finally put effort into our relationship. I was expecting to get all the feelings back for him and that spark back in that moment that we got back together. That didn’t happen though. But it happened for him. I felt like he owed me so much and I hated him whenever I felt like he wasn’t doing enough. I felt like I could finally stop worrying about the relationship but I didn’t stop. It was still my obsession and it’s still that way to this day even though it’s been about five months since we got back together. I feel so lost because I don’t want to lose him but yet all I feel when I think of him is annoyed and anxious. And I can’t explain why I don’t want to lose him because its like I don’t remember what it feels like to love him. He used to be my best friend, the love of my life. I had never felt that kind of love before, I never had that kind of connection with anyone before. It’s so terrifying to not feel that intensely about him anymore. It’s so scary to feel nothing for him or just hatred for him and not even know why anymore. I’ve been sabotaging my relationship ever since and I have been stuck in this vortex of anxiety and depression. If anyone can relate or has advice, I would greatly appreciate. I lost my insurance for a bit so I didn’t have access to therapy for a year. That didn’t help either, but thankfully I go back in February.

If you read all of this, thank you.