I’m sorry this post is so long – the first paragraph is just what’s going on in my relationship and doesn’t really relate to BPD if you want to skip it.

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I found out last October that my husband was talking to women in a sexual way. Since we have a young son I decided to try to forgive him and work through it. Then in February I found a credit card statement with hotel charges on nights when he was supposedly working, Tinder charges, cash advances, and a charge from what I would later find out was a website where you find happy ending massage parlors. I was devastated and I made my husband start sleeping on the couch. I’m so confused because I swear I did end things between the two of us but I didn’t kick him out because I’m scared of being alone and a single mom. I guess I’m confused because it feels like every so often I would tell him our marriage was over and he would say okay and then just act like I never said that and go back to normal. And I would let him because…codependency, I guess? I feel like I need him. This past weekend we went on a family trip for my birthday and while we were there I stumbled on evidence of more cheating, this time from last September, which really hurt because that was back when we were (I thought) happy. My husband had blamed all the cheating from January on me being unpleasant since I found out about him talking to women in October. But I looked back at our texts from the nights he cheated in September and we were being happy and sweet to each other. 

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I now realize that he is definitely a narcissist. But as I’ve been obsessively researching narcissists I’ve learned that they can be attracted to people with BPD. That made me research BPD and finally, so many of my issues in life make sense. I’ve never been able to keep friends, they are either driven away by my emotional volatility or I drop them because they did one thing that hurt my feelings. Addiction issues, anger issues, issues with keeping jobs. Extremely risky sexual behaviors when I’m stressed. Just…this core belief that there is something wrong with me. I was always chasing validation from romantic partners. I couldn’t even go a day between breaking up and being on the dating apps. In the past, I’ve had many partners tell me that it didn’t seem to matter how much verbal affection they gave me, I always wanted more, like a bottomless pit. I ended up marrying a narcissist despite all the red flags because I desperately wanted to prove to everyone and myself that someone could love me and choose me. 

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Anyway, this is kind of just ranting. I did ask my husband to leave our house. He didn’t even argue which is triggering my abandonment issues for some reason? I am kind of grateful for this whole situation though because it has opened my eyes to things I need to work on. I have started therapy. I need to work on these issues for my son (and myself I guess). It was so nice to find this sub and see so many posts that I relate to so strongly. It makes me feel less alone. Thank you if you read this whole thing.