I've been noticing small things I thought/did as a child that were markings of bpd.

for context, I was neglected heavily during the 6 month personality development stage, so it makes sense. My childhood was not very good, I went to an all-white school and experienced racism for the first time (I lived with white grandparents) to my face when I went to elementary school, also.

For one, I was very sexual (due to sexual abuse) and had really fucked up fantasies at age 5. I also, nonsexually and sexually would copy people and situations I saw on TV, as I felt no sense of identity. I would steal, but cry and want to be a good person, unsure of my actual traits. When I was 8, I was very scared of the devil (im still not sure why) and would even refuse to bathe naked as I thought he was watching me. I had a morbid obsession with everything and would play surgery games and go into chat rooms when I was 8, I was on IMVU too and my character was always white and blonde. I've always dreamed of a true, committed romantic relationship even in first grade (though not those words), just wanted to be loved.

I always felt different. Extreme emotional reactions inside and never feeling in place. One time when i was 9-10 i googled how to do a death spell for someone (and carried out the [magic.com](https://magic.com) practice) because they called me a slur. 

Since 12 I've had a lot of symptoms and distinct signs, but I didn't realize how it's been there from the start. It's kind of comforting but wow. I'm only 18 now and like... wow.