27F. Currently in medical school, year 3.

I feel very lonely, honestly. It’s the first time that I have come to admit that to myself, more so share it on the internet. Despite having my family, some friends (whom I barely talk to because of med school), and having my basic needs met- I still feel lonely. To add, there’s a surge of cases bound to happen again, and I feel really sad that I see no end to this pandemic. I’m still stuck with online classes.

I have had several episodes of me just staring at the ceiling and not doing anything all day. There were times I would refuse to eat and I would just stay in bed.

Anyway, I don’t why and I can’t pinpoint exactly the main reason as to why I feel lonely. I wish I can talk to my few friends whenever, without me overthinking that I am just bothering them. If only I could talk to someone and have some support group, maybe I would feel better.

Before, I thought that maybe having a boyfriend or significant other would be the solution to my loneliness and pretty low self-esteem, but I realized that at the end of the day, I would probably still feel lonely. I have been talking to a lot of men on reddit, to feel less lonely, but I just feel even emptier than before. It’s like sharing a part of me and never getting it back, thus I am left with pieces. If I could describe it more, I feel as if there is a void in me. No matter what I do, how many times I try to repress it, focus on other things, shove it aside- there is still that void.

Sometimes, my insecurities come out and consume me, and today is one of those days. Unfortunately. I also realized that my insecurities become magnified with my use of social media. I used to be inspired with what I see when scrolling, but over the past months, I just felt sad and envious of how others are doing. I know that it’s unhealthy to compare my life with everyone’s highlights, but I couldn’t help it. So I decided to take a detox (still on it), and the only good thing that happened is that I have not compared my life (to others) since deleting the apps on my phone. However, I still feel lonely.

I have been trying to become a better version of myself. I started with eating healthier with the hopes of losing some weight and actually liking what I see on the mirror. It’s still a work-in-progress, but I hope I can become consistent with it. I wish I had more positive coping mechanisms to deal with the stress, pandemic, life, and emotions that I have suppressed over the years.

If anyone has reached this point, thank you for reading.