And I think that's the worst part. The BPD already makes me feel alone and struggle with abandonment and then when I'm experiencing an episode I feel even more alone because no one really understands what it's like or what it feels like or how hard it is every single day. They don't understand what its like to feel disassociated or struggle with derealization 90% of your days or the severity of the pain. They don't understand it isn't just sadness, but that it feels like my skin is slicing itself open from the inside out. No one understands how hard it is to feel so alone, so broken, so crazy. And the fear that you'll never get better or that no one will stay. 

I so badly want someone who understands. Who knows what I'm feeling. I wish I had someone to hold me when I feel like I'm literally physically falling apart or who can ground me and bring me back by helping tell me who I am: the good in me. And because I don't have that, I may never have that, I just have me (and I know therapy says that should be enough, but its not, at least right now its not) it feels so exhausting and I detach further and further. 

I wish I could turn it all off like a TV. I don't mean suicide or anything like that I just...wish I could make it all stop. Shut it all off. Turn it off. I wish I knew how to make that make sense. I wish there were support groups in my town, but there's not. I wish I knew someone who could understand. I feel like I'm fighting this alone.