Hi all. Just to start off with this: I haven't been diagnosed with bpd but I have looked into this extensively online and have never related more to people than in this subreddit. I am going to my GP next week regarding it.

So basically, my boyfriend is in a band and he was headlining this gig this week. I'm the only one that drives so I had to swap around shifts and sacrifice my free Saturday just so I could take him to the gig on time. Good so far. The band are hyped as it's their first time headlining, good vibes going. His best friend is there too to support them.

A few minutes before the gig, his band mate comes out of the bathroom saying he took coke. His other bandmate (his brother) comes out minutes later, also took coke. Bear in mind, they don't know any of these randomers in this city we're not from. But before his brother came out, my bf went in and was chatting away to whoever. I was waiting for him. Then it went silent. Then he came out a minute later rubbing under his nose and it was obvious. Just to clarify, he hasn't taken coke in a year and rarely took it (once every few months). He said he thinks it's overrated and doesn't even really like it.

I ask, "did you... take something?" And he looked right at me, lied and said no. It was obvious he did so I asked again, and he said nope. l felt nauseous from him lying right to my face because I've bad trust issues. We've only been dating a few months. So for the first 20 mins of the gig, I felt so sick looking at him knowing this. I've never seen someone on coke before and I was kind of scared. He didn't seem like himself at all and I felt uncomfortable. I was completely sober (driving). I asked his best friend if he'd take coke for a gig this important and he said no, *insert bf name here* wouldn't do that, he knows better. 

So after the gig, my bf's brother said something like oh the headache you get from coke oof, and I looked at my bf and yup, he took it. Minutes later I confronted him about lying right to my face. This is where I need help. I was saying how I see that as a red flag because if he could lie so easily about something so obvious, what else could he lie about? He said he was sorry and would tell me after but didn't want me worrying during the gig and him feeling shit. But my argument then was, why did he not feel like shit for taking coke and lying right to my face? And having me hyperventilate in the bathroom over seeing him coked out? 

I know this is silly, I'm very sorry. I feel like when people find out that I struggle hard with mental illness, they use it to their advantage and try make me out like my feelings aren't valid so they get away with more. My head is now thinking "oh, what else could he do out of impulse? Would he try to justify lying then too? Can I not trust him? Should I leave everyone and move abroad alone?" My mind is fucked from this, I don't know why. It's like something is telling me to look at this scenario with a magnifying glass and try predict the future so I can break up with him sooner before he hurts me. It's so messed up, I don't know what's wrong with me.