Let me start by stating that I used to display signs of and was treated for BPD throughout adolescence and some of my young adult years. I'm a female in my early twenties. Within the last two years I've become incredibly stable. I've held a job for over half a year, I'm almost done with my undergrad degree, I've maintained a good close (female) friend, I take advantage of my support system and never miss any medications/appointments. I've become comfortable within myself and independent. I'm more rational, stable, responsible, and have a level of clarity and self reflection that I never knew I could achieve. I still deal with things though, and I know I always will, things won't be perfect and that's kind of the reason I'm making this post as I hit the first real roadblock I've had in years. 

I recently decided to start dating again. I wasn't really looking for anyone honestly and I wasn't wanting a relationship due to the whole BPD thing, but he just kind of showed up. We work in the same building as one another. We knew of each other but it wasn't until March that we started talking and hanging out. A little over a month later we decided to start dating. We just click honestly. Theres lots of laughs, communication, respect, and honesty. I like myself better when I'm with him. I was very hesitant at first, going into a relationship but as I've progressed I've realized a lot of the intense attachments and fear of abandonment are gone. I'm allowing myself to be vulnerable for the first time since getting better. This relationship is healthy and is helping me grow. I'm really happy. 

Within the last week or so, however, I get this sudden just intense feeling to just break it all off. Sometimes it disappears after an hour or so, sometimes it lasts an afternoon. I was feeling this feeling last night before going to sleep and when waking up this morning I felt it so terribly I just couldn't stop crying. The feeling is like a terrible dull weight and I'm unable to provide any logical reason besides this feeling as a reason to break up. I like this man a lot and I hate feeling this way about someone I know I want to be with. I want this feeling to go away, theres truly no logical reason for this. 

Let me state this for anyone who's advice is to "just break up", that is not what is going to happen. I am NOT going to allow this intensive, intrusive, sudden impulsive terrible feeling to affect my life like that. I have no reason to break up with him besides this sudden feeling so where's the rationality in that? What I'm wanting advice on is how to handle this emotion with the least bit of negative affect on this relationship. I want this relationship to last for the long run, I have the feeling it can as long as I put the effort into it. I've hit my first real problem in my first healthy relationship and I'm needing advice to help regulate this emotion. 

What I've done so far

\-I've communicated this feeling with him 

\-I've talked to my friend about it 

\-over the last several months I've been making a list about the things that are good about him in order to remind me in these times (I was half way anticipating this emotion, I've had it in past relationships, I never realized how hard it would hit me though)

\-gave myself some time away from him

\-made pros/cons about breaking up with him 

I have several inklings about this intense feeling and the reasons behind it. Maybe its a sub conscious self defense because I've allowed myself to be vulnerable with him, or maybe I'm just hormonal and as a BPD my emotions are amplified. Maybe I'm stressed with other things in my life and so my normal ability to regulate these emotions is dampened. I'm not sure honestly. I would appreciate any advice you guys could give me on how to get through this sudden, intense, impulsive terrible feeling. 

Thank you lots. 