I’m not sure if this is the place to post this but here goes. I just recently got diagnosed with both BPD and Bipolar disorder, and these last few years everything has become much more prominent with my mental health issues.  It’s not an excuse but sometimes it just becomes overwhelming, especially with the emotions, and being in and out of depressive states. Sometimes it gets too much, I know I shouldn’t but, I want to at times turn to alcohol or even drugs to cope. I’ve been trying so hard to avoid self harm, or binge/no eating and things like that but sometimes it gets too overwhelming. The reason I haven’t drank or done drugs yet is because my partner was addicted to both alcohol and drugs, and hated themselves for it and for how those things have affected those around them. So I vowed to never do them, as to not put my partner through that again, and not risk exposing them to it so they relapse.   But I have had some questionable days, I drank twice recently, and had tried to smoke. And when they found out they were devastated, which they have every right to be, I made that promise, and they’re more mad I hurt myself rather than hurt them. But since then I’ve felt this like scorn coming from them. Talking about how I break my promises, how if I really loved them I wouldn’t have done that, and I don’t think that’s fair? I understand they’re pain and I know they’re only wanting me to keep that promise so I don’t go down that same path but. If I do I’m not betraying them? They were going through terrible things when they drank and did drugs, that’s what they turned too, and I don’t blame them for that? I’m not saying I should do them or should be allowed too just because I’m going through something but. If I go through a rough patch again and get into something like that? I didn’t do it to offended them and hurt them? They claimed they almost relapsed the last time I drank. But I didn’t do it so they would relapse, of course I’ve considered that they could before that moment, which is why I’ve tried so hard to stay away but, at that moment when I drank. My only thought was how much I was hurting and how to make that go away, I didn’t just do it casually. Should I be blamed for them relapsing? Is it fair the pressure and demonizing I’m getting to stay away from these things, when they did the same thing?