I just want to be comfortable in my own skin. I am a plus size woman, 21 years old, and I hate myself for it. I am a senior in college. This is supposed to be the time of my life, and I don’t have anyone. I don’t care enough to do my hair or my makeup. Everyday is brutal. I get myself up and go to class and get good grades, so people think I am fine, but everyday is a struggle. I constantly think people are laughing at me. I am in a sorority that is known for being more inclusive and often gets made fun of for it sometimes. We’ve been described as “fat whales”. When I wear any thing with the sorority in it i’m afraid people think things like “wow, they let anybody in”. All I feel like people see when they see me is fat. I’m also disgusting. I shower once every 5 days because it’s all I can make myself do. It used to be every 3, then every 4, now it’s every 5. Food is my only solace, so obviously im not losing weight. I’m depressed cause im fat but fat cause I’m depressed. I can’t find any motivation to exercise, I hate it so much. Idk if it’s because I hate exercise in general or the fact I have to shower after. Probably both. I worry about my health as well, but don’t change anything. I don’t even want to die, I want to live. I want to go out and have fun, but I don’t have the confidence to. I also don’t go to parties or bars really because I have emetophobia, which makes me more depressed. I don’t know what else to do, so i’m posting a big long rant to strangers in the hopes maybe someone will understand.