I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when i was either 17 or 18. But obviously there was a time before my diagnoses, where i was acting like a weirdo but no one knew why, well this is essentially what i can remember about that period of my life. 

At some unknown to me time in my adolescents, id became extremely depressed, wouldn't get out of bed or shower or even masterbate, wouldn't even think of sex for months. These things hurt me so much for some reason. But for some other reason, at night, when the sun was down and my family was asleep and i knew i wouldn't have to be seen by them, i felt a sort of ease in the world. Like the depression was more tolerable. As time went on, i became more and more reclusive, one day my teacher handed me a sheet of paper explaining that i should take it to my parents because it was a request form to have me put on homebound. This is where a teacher or two would come to my house to help me with my school work for one hour a day, and was eligible for students who where sick, or disabled, and could not attend school. He obviously noticed something was wrong, because i would literally just scrble on my school work a few words as quickly as i could, so i could then either go back to sleep, or lay my head on my desk to "secretly" read whatever book id gotten from the library at the time. Couple that with my obvious lack of care for my personal hygiene, as well as i would wear the same outfits to school every single day, i think he saw i must be in some state of major depressive disorder or whatever. I was so relieved, and left school before third period (another usual thing i would do, just leave class then school when i had had enough of it) and went straight home. My mother thought it was a good idea, as did my father.

 They too saw i was on another planet. Saw i was having irrational outbursts over little things, or how i would go extensive periods of time where i would not speak to anyone, or see anyone. This was because the actual act of talking hurt. To laugh, or pretend that things where okay was so overwhelming that i just had to stop doing it all together. Sometimes i would sit with my twin brother and our friends, as they watched tv, and talked and i would say nothing, i couldn't even hear their words, i was so deep inside of my own thoughts, i was in another dimension. All the while i couldn't wait for nightfall, just for that little bit of relief. 

Well, at the time i smoked pot, and because i was injured at work, i had all the money, i needed. So i got lucky there, as far as a depressive pot smoking recluse goes i was lucky. I began to notice that on occasion, during my nightly pot and doctor house, or Monk episode binges, id get this amazing high, which i attributed to the weed. I would completely tune out of whatever i was watching on TV, and become completely immersed in my own fascinating thoughts. My mind was all over the place, i was thinking so loudly, my head was not able to contain its own voice, and i needed to speak the thoughts out loud. Now, this point in my life honestly is quite fuzzy, i remember aspects of it, maybe a situation or two, but my days where so full of the same things, and introspective routines, that there really weren't all that many situations to remember. It was mostly one big blur of House, law and order or really anything on TNT. And also psych, I love that show.

 One situation that i can recall was during a time when i started to essentially challenge myself to stay awake, because i actually just forgot what it felt like to feel tired. I remember standing at my bedroom door talking to my freind and bragging that i had not slept in two days, and him kind of looking off about what id just said. 

The thing for me was, even though i was in a mood others saw as not my usual, probably better then the guy wearing the clothes he put on last march, but wtf is he still talking about, and why wont he sit down, kind of mood? I had no idea, i mean with the depression i new something was way wrong, and i knew it was despair. But when i began to cycle into mania, i must of been the only person who saw my behavior as typical. At this time, id always had a feeling i needed to travel, see the world as it where. So, me with just a learners permit, but already owning a car decided to tell no body that i was going for a drive. That was what i did too, grabbed my bag of bud, and illegally hit the road. 

I was only gone for a couple of days, drove to Georgia ran out of weed, got homesick, idk, whatever the reason, i drove home. To a house of very unhappy People. Did i mention that leaving my cell phone at home felt too cliche not to do? In hindsight and to my surprise i wasn't reported missing. Not once, and this kind of thing happened a couple more times too actually, once i ended up in all the way in PA. (I lived in south Carolina) but mostly i would just stay holed up in my bedroom, no matter the mood. Depressed or manic, i was in my room away from everyone. I do remember always feeling sooo bewildered by everyone in my house wanting to be asleep. I don't know why, but it really was an odd concept to me. I can remember thinking, "why, if you dont have to get up early, would you actually WANT to sleep". I also used to wake my brother up all hours of the night. Either to tell him something interesting id just learned, or to just plane see if he wanted to wake up at 2am to hangout and watch tv with me. It actually makes me a little emotional right now, but my brother used to get up, in the middle of the night alot when i did this. He would sit,  half asleep on my bed with me, and just listen to me rambling on like an idiot. I think it was because i refused to hangout with anyone so much, and because he saw how messed up i was behaving. 

I dont remember what lead up to this particular night really, but i think id been more depressed then manic, and i had woken up on my bed, laying as if id just flopped ontop of the covers. It was dark out already, and id slept most of the day. I could hear my brother in his room, and one of our friends where over. I walked into my twin brothers bedroom, where i found him and said friend (same guy i told id been awake for two days to) hanging out. I asked "what are you guys up to" to which they replyed "we just got some ecstasy". Mind you, at this time in my life, there was absolutely nothing out of the ordinary with that statement. But i still did not believe them, at all. I called them liars, and they where confused, as if i was acting like a moron, and i started to angrily demand that they tell me the truth. They had no idea what i was talking about, and i was screaming like an idiot, i started to destroy everything i could punch. Drywall, furniture, everything. I was not a small guy either, i was throwing my brother and freind off me like a rag dolls. I became completely consumed by this belife that they had lied to me, and i to this day can not figure it out, why in the fuck did i do that? Its so weird to me. Either way, my mom had come in and she was able to calm me down, and talk me into a car ride with her.

During the ride she brought up the topic of going to a hospital. After everything that had happened, i remember i felt numb, and resigned to the idea. I know i didn't mention this, but hospitalization came up before this night too. I had one requirement, i wanted to call my dad who was at home, and very ill, (he was in the last stages of his life at this time, but we did not exsactly know it yet) and talk to him before i went, which i did, ( id live that day all over just to have that conversation again.) and so we headed off to the local emergency room. where coincidentally my Elementary School principal and his son were, and they sat right in front of me and my mother. I could see that my principal was very wary of me, he had known me well due to him actually, also living in the neighborhood where I grew up. Either way that's beside the point, just a funny coincidence I thought. 

We go into the room, where a doctor is talking to me, and the last thing i remember is a nurse stirring liquid in a small white cup, and explaining to me that it would help me relax. I was excited because i thought it was drugs lol instead it knocked me out completely. Everything else about this night is in pieces. I came to in fucking hand cuffs man, in the back of a police car, i could barely walk on my own, and this cop put cuffs on me. I come to again with what i think i remember to be a female nurse removing my clothes for me, and gently explaining that they would wash them for me, and i would get them back tomorrow. Then i got my picture taken, annnnd then i woke up, in a hospital. 

Im sure no one will read all of this, i wrote more then id planned on writing, but either way, if you did, there you have it, kind of a collection of what i remember about the beginning stages of me being diagnosed with bipolar disorder" and thank you if you did read this. Have a good day