I cant kill myself because of my mum 

I speak to her every day, every day for the past year she's been there for me. It's the only part of my day that is worth anything. And even though I'm shit company for some reason she loves me and I cant bear the thought of leaving her alone when she already feels like her other children don't care. I care and I want her to be happy. 

All day I've been getting ready to kill myself. I dont want to be here. There's nothing anyone can offer me to make me better. What else can they do? Put me in a psych ward? Where I'll be even more miserable than I already am. 

So I've decided I'm just going to have to suffer. Just until she dies. And then the pain of losing her will be unbearable anyway. I dont have anyone else who cares that much. 

I feel like I cant suffer this any longer, but right now I can't bear to hurt her either 
I can never be happy, but maybe my shit existence at least won't hurt anyone else