I've always been such an empathetic person that wears his heart on his sleeve, I shed a tear at random sad scenes in tv, I feel complete heartbreak for innocent animals &amp; people, I avoid all confrontation with people because I'm an unstable emotional mess and cant hold a conversation together so wont put people into an awkward situation. 

That's my emotional state, Physically I'm no better either. 27yr with depression &amp; anxiety, Had a Widow Maker heart attack 5 yrs ago, diagnosed with fibro 2 yrs ago. Before my heart attack i had friends, was at the gym 5 days a week and working full time. Right after my heart attack i cut all friends off, haven't stepped into a gym since and claim disability. 

In the past 5 yrs since my heart attack, I've moved into my own flat, repaired relationships with my mum and brother ( its still not good tbh ) , and just tried to survive each day as they come but for awhile now everyday I wake up I feel like my soul is just disappearing bit by bit. It's getting to the point where I'm beginning to feel hate for my fellow human. I drop the foil or bang into something? I literally throw the object while saying violent things and continue with my day until the next random burst of anger which is becoming way too common.

I just want too wake up and LIVE my own life. I'm so fucking fed up with waking up too the same fucking bullshit, grind out 10 hrs of bullshit day to day life just to try and fall asleep and RINSE &amp; REPEAT. And this is claiming disability and not working, I received the papers to reassess my condition to see if im capable of working, fucking LOL. I struggle at home all day let alone working a physical job.

When thinking to myself , Could I really keep this up for the next say 40-60yrs? I just laugh. My switch IS going to switch violently one day and I'm going to either order that opiate from Darknet and peacefully slip into the NeverRealm or fully say fuck it and it and become something i hate. 

I'm on many tablets for my heart and brain, Tried intensive therapy, in contact with mental health team etc.. Only thing I ever got was a placebo feeling. I need Shock therapy or something to fix this absolute fuckery. That's all i have to say. Hopefully I can just rage post in a year or so but if this was to be my last then thanks for reading this and if you knew me personally, I truly apologise if i ever caused you pain.  


Please dont comment telling me to talk to someone. I have. I LOVE LIFE just fucking HATE THE LIFE WE HAVE BEEN BORN INTO.