I have always had urges to self destruct but some logical side of me stops it. Sometimes I want to floor it and drive as fast as possible. I feel the urge to drink until I black out. I want to message random girls on social media. I want to break up with my fiancé. I want to run throw my phone away and run away. 

Some part of me holds back because I have responsibilities and I think it’s my own survival instinct that stops me from self destructing.  But what happens when I stop fighting it? I am afraid of my logical side leaving.

But at the same time I am stuck with all this pain. And wonder what happens if I embrace it?