So, this is my first time ever posting anything on reddit, and I'll try my best! (also, I am very sorry if I am being unclear, English is not my first language) 

I was currently seeing a psychiatric, but the quarantique in my country made us postpone the sessions.

For background, I had a very difficult relationship with my father, mostly due to him being an abusive man. The psychiatrists my mom and I seeked help to informed us later on that he was most likely a narcissistic pervert. He used to be aggressive physically and mentally, and sexually assaulted me once.

Now, I don't see him anymore, and I thought that I put all of this behind me. I realised that maybe it wasn't the case, as I cried and told one of my friends what happened when I was drunk (I still feel bad abt that, it's a pretty heavy subject and he was having a fun night)

When he was at his worse, I was able to just not listen to by sort of leaving my body, or something like that. Everything would just feel distant, as if i was underwater. This was the practical state.

But I also noticed that sometimes that happens when I get angry, not for a good reason or smth, I just get furious over the smallest thing and my vision go dark and I have to physically restraint myself to not destroy something (sometimes I do). Afterwards, I always feel empty and very tired, and I don't even know why I was angry in the first place. I always feel bad about it, but in the moment I just. Don't care.

This scares me, because I don't want to hurt my family, and I don't want to become like my father either.

Also to note that this happens less and less, and peaked when I was really depressed. I don't know if the two are linked, or if it's a part of the depression.

Now I know I need to seek real help, and I will as soon as I literally can. But has any of this happened to some of you? I could use some advise in these troubled times.