I’ve had crippling anxiety for as long as I can remember. I used to think crippling was an exaggeration, but the more I’ve begun to understand how my anxiety is linked to so many things, I understand that it is a very fair adjective. 

I’m 22F that has literally never even kissed anyone. I’ve been on a few dates but the last “official” date was in high school. I only feel comfortable around my friends and when I drink a little alcohol, but lately, my anxiety gets so unbearable when I have even a sip of alcohol and go to group settings that I have to sit in the shower for hours the next morning, seeking a sense of comfort, and I’m anxious for the next few days, even when I have had little alcohol and made no “mistakes.”

Anyway, the one and only time I let someone get close enough to try to kiss me, I pushed them away, physically. We were in high school, but talking and going on dates and hanging out at each others houses for months prior to that. Everything was going right until it wasn’t. I pushed him away and he obviously left, feeling confused and hurt I’m sure. 

Basically, does anyone else feel like this? I feel so alone and weird being a virgin, let alone never kissing anyone. And I’d like to note, I do have a good bit of male attention quite often, I just always cut it off before it gets too close. I feel physically ill when someone gets too close to me or touches me in a romantic sense, even if its just a hand on my back. Has anyone experienced this, done anything to help, etc?