apologies in advance for the pity party. i’m spiraling out in my worst episode of my entire life. i’m aware of how dramatic i’m sounding; the stakes really do feel this high to me right now. 

i’m aware now of my disorder. great. that’s the first step. the second is actually living with it. i’ve been trying to put the pieces of myself back together to no avail. on paper, everything is copacetic: i have a wonderful long distance partner whom i love, a job i’m good at with awesome coworkers who i enjoy working with, good grades for a degree i’m about to obtain, i’m attractive, i have a ton of loving friends who i cherish. my life looks great, and really it is, i just have this disorder.

most people don’t know that i have fits of anger that i’ve struggled to manage since i was a child. most people don’t know that i emotionally abused my past partners and friends. most people don’t know that i think about a long-dead relationship every single day of my life. that i lost a piece of myself in that person and i don’t know if i’ll ever get it back. he doesn’t think about me anymore. this disorder has kept me from moving on with my life. i can control my behavior, but i can’t control what i feel. i have this deeply unhealthy attachment to that ex who i abused (but who also abused me) and i’m angry about it, which only makes me hurt more inside. why can’t i be on my own team? i have always struggled to love myself. i hear the voices of people who hate me in my head. i imagine what they’d think of me now, watching me flail miserably in a puddle of childish tears. and i can’t control it. i can take medication but that doesn’t stop the horrible thoughts. nothing has stopped the thoughts, not since i was 13. i don’t know anyone else who experiences things like this, but it’s been ruining my life. for the last month a half my thoughts have just been a carousel of all the worst things i’ve ever done in my 21 years and how irredeemable i am for it. i can barely focus on any of the things i enjoy. i can’t kill myself but i fantasize about faking my death and escaping into isolation. i need to fix myself but i don’t know how. i don’t want to continue like this. every day hurts more than the last. i try gratitude but the good things always get drowned out by my failures. 

i cycle through depression (laced with grief and regret and self-loathing) and anger (still directed inwards, but also at the people who’ve hurt me over the years). in some ways i still feel like a victim, not to other people (for once) but to this disorder. i don’t know how to separate myself from it. i don’t think i would have been abusive if i didn’t have borderline. now that i’m aware of my illness and actually working on it, i’m not hurting anyone (except myself) and i’m a much better person. does that mean the borderline isn’t me? but what does that do for the people i’ve wronged over the years? “oh yeah i’m really sorry i said that thing that one time, it was just the me who has borderline who did that, that’s not me anymore.” i would never say this to someone obviously but it’s how i’m expected to deal with my terrible behavior over the years. the people i’ve hurt don’t even want to talk to me, they aren’t waiting for an apology. they’ve moved on, don’t care anymore, and so i’m left here ruminating and feeling guilty. why do i think about people i don’t even talk to anymore? why do i dream about them? why would i ever even entertain the notion that they’d forgive me, when i fucked up so much over the years? 

even after one friend cancelled me and told people i was abusive, i didn’t take it seriously. i thought i was being wrongly vilified. so i made an effort to be nicer for the next two months after but then went back to being a trainwreck. and i lost even more friendships. yet again i victimized myself and paid the price. but she threatened me, misgendered me, harassed my friends. now that i know what i was doing wrong, that wound reopened and i’m feeling all the grief again. i would never act like that now! i’ve grown so much since 2019 when that happened, since july of this year when i lost a friend i’d known for 6 years after i split on her again. i don’t have those outbursts, i don’t manipulate, i don’t guilt trip, i don’t triangulate, i don’t beg for anyone’s attention. i’ve been doing so much better. i feel like a whole different person. i came so far once i learned how wrong i was. 

something in my life needs to change drastically and soon. i already cut out the bad behaviors, but i’m stuck carrying these ghosts with me. i need to move somewhere new. i want my own apartment or one with my partner, i want to live outside my hometown, i want to be near my college friends, i want to be thriving and moved on in life. i’m 21 years old and i want a whole different life. god help me.