Over the past few weeks I feel like I’ve done really well with controlling my reactions and not flipping my lid when me and my BF get into arguments....I just at the same time feel like I’m closing in on myself. I feel defeated. I don’t know if recovery efforts have beaten me into a corner of if I’m just having an episode. 

I feel super depressed and like I’m not me anymore. I’ve been trying to recover super fucking hard because I my relationship with my BF is super important to me and I feel like it’s failing and it’s my fault. Every time something goes well and I’m able to control my reaction, I feel like it’s still not good enough and he still resents me or doesn’t want to be around me. 

Quality time is my love language and I feel so fucking alone lately. I made a therapy appointment tomorrow because I feel like I’m losing control and I’m backsliding into this abyss of sorrow. I’m falling backwards and trying to grasp at anything I can to catch myself, but everything I grab onto slips out of my hands. 

So on one hand, I’m not this angry fireball anymore and I can keep a level head in an argument, but on the other hand I feel empty. I don’t know what to do.