i don't want to see anyone, I don't want to talk to anyone. I wish I lived alone, I wish my cats had someone better to care for them but they love me for some stupid reason, but at least someone loves me 

I wish I wasn't stuck at my mom's house, I wish I hadn't done what I did before my FP/GF kicked me out, I don't have all my books with me, just some, but I took the nightgown i loved seeing her wear the most

I don't want friends anymore but I find myself reaching for company online, I don't want them to see me irl, im putting up a front, I'm too scared to leave the confines of my bedroom half the time, excuses are my specialty

My mind is fucking racing without pause constantly, the paranoia is creeping up my spine and infecting my thoughts, did my gf treat me thst way on purpose to get me to have angry meltdowns so she could leave me guilt free? That's what the people who didn't love me do, so does that mean she never loved me? Did she intentionally become cruel and methodically hit all my triggers or was she just out of control from her mania and not realize?

I relapsed with SH in a terrible way, I never want her to see what I've done to my thigh, but I want her to see so she knows how much she hurt me, but I don't want her to see because I'm too much for her and I'm too broken and im too sad and I'm too angry and I'm too poisonous to her and I'm never going to be good enough for her even when she looks in my eyes and tells me im the love of her life and she'll never leave me, 

thats why im bitter, I'm angry, I'm jealous and heartbroken and these feelings are threatening to burst out of my chest, I can only hope I can last until the 25th when I beg my psychiatrist for relief from this torture because NOTHING WORKS ANYMORE, MY CARE PLAN IS USELESS