well today i had an appointment at my doctor (who's a professional probably like 55-60 years old male psychiatrist) and he's my doctor since 2019 may, so he knows my diagnosis very well (i've got my bpd diagnosis from an other doctor). i refused to take antidepressants until september and actually he was kinda okay with it. mostly i just said i don't want to take them because when i tried them they made my stomach hurt. so this september he offered me again to take antidepressants and i said okay, i'm gonna try. i'm on it since september, although i struggled at some point and i stopped taking it for 1 week because i felt that i don't want this, i don't want to get better, i want to feel worse, suddenly i felt i'm "too healthy" so i stopped taking it. then ofc i regret it because i started feeling extremely suicidal and depressed so after like 5 or 6 days i started taking them again. and i decided that from now on i won't stop taking them.

so i had my appointment today and my doctor asked about how i'm doing and although i almost never tell him the truth, now i felt that i'm gonna tell him what's what maybe he will say some nice words or give me an appointment at a therapist or something. i literally just only told them that "i stopped taking it for like a week because somehow i wanted to feel worse". and then boom, he had a complete mental breakdown. he almost started yelling at me because "WHAT'S THE LOGIC BEHIND THIS??????? WHY ARE YOU HERE THEN IF YOU DON'T WANT TO GET BETTER????" and he said things that i still SIMPLY can not believe like "MY EVERY OTHER PATIENTS WANT TO GET BETTER, PEOPLE COME HERE TO GET BETTER." and he said that since he's in the job I AM "THE FIRST ONE who said such an idiotic thing like he wants to feel worse, not better". and i was like wtf man are you serious?????? you are in this job since like you were 25 and I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO SAID THAT TO YOU?? i mean he works with addicts, with narcs, alcoholists, depressed teenagers, suicidal people and since 1990 i am the first one who said to you that "sometimes i want to feel worse, not better"? 

what's more he said that from now on he won't check me in every month. i mean i have to go there for the appointments but he won't see me, he just gives the prescriptions to the nurses and "YOU CAN DO ANYTHING WHAT YOU WANT WITH THOSE. IF YOU TAKE THEM, THEN YOU TAKE THEM, IF YOU DON'T, THEN YOU DON'T. I DON'T WANT TO STRUGGLE WITH THIS ANYMORE". and i was like ?????? i mean i never argued with him, i'm a quiet shy borderline. when he was telling me this bulls\_t i wasn't even talking back, i tried my hardest to not start crying. 

it's really such a rare thing that someone with a hecking borderline personality disorder and with other officially diagnosed stuff doesn't want to get better from one day to the next? or if he lied then what was the point of this lie?

somehow Girl, Interrupted popped into my mind because if i can recall it there's a scene when Winona Ryder is having a wild time and then Whoopi Goldberg starts shouting at her about "she's wasting her life" and stuff like that and i guess that was a small changing point for Winona's character and i thought maybe my doctor wanted to recreate this scene or what? (the difference between that scene and between my real life event is that I DIDN'T say a damn bad word about the doctor or about anything ever, i just said politely "sometimes i want to feel worse".)

i'm 19 btw