I’ve been struggling a lot recently with various things in many different facets of my life. Education, work, finances, health, family life, friendships, substance abuse to cope, and most recently, my dad being on the brink of death from a heart attack and needing a 7 vessel bypass. All of the problems in the aforementioned areas have contributed to problems in other areas, and were impossible to improve without fixing one thing first. I’ve been to the deepest depths of despair in the past year and a half, and all the problems I listed contributed to the worsening of my already existing depression, anxiety, and ADHD, to the point where functioning normally was virtually an impossibility. I would frequently have recurring night terrors where I would be in my room in bed in the pitch black (how I spent the majority of my time), and I’d stumble out of bed trying to reach my mom’s room which was the sole source of light while navigating the house in utter darkness. And each time I’d come close to opening her door and being able to reach her for help, I would collapse and wake back up in my bed. I’d also have another recurring night terror where I was in my room with no gravity, and some unseen force would grab me and throw me against walls and off the ceiling while I was helpless. The only way I was able to wake up was by trying to force myself to scream, and slowly gaining consciousness whilst whimpering until I woke up fully and was screaming and crying. I’m not here to just whine about feeling hopeless because most of those things are better now. And the truth is, I feel stronger, more determined, and more motivated than I ever have in my life. Sometimes I’ll write/journal about things with a flair for the dramatic because it helps to hype me up, and the way I put it in one entry was, “My resolve has been tempered into steel by the flames of the hell that I’ve walked through.” I know it’s cheesy lol but saying cheesy epic stuff like that helps me feel in control. But even though most of the issues I listed have improved or been resolved, something still feels like it’s missing. I’m not entirely certain, but I believe it could be that I’m very lonely deep down. I’d say it’s important to note that I’m definitely an introvert, and extended periods of time around people can be exhausting for me, but it’s different for those I have a meaningful relationship with. I lost who I considered to be my best friend of 5 years in February of 2021 because he mistakenly thought that I was using him for weed. The medical problem I was dealing with (nerve damage) was helped significantly by THC, and he had a medical card and offered to get some for me. But after I asked the second time, he ghosted me and cut ties, so that’s when the loneliness truly started. I work as a shoe salesman (ironic job for an introvert I know), and would get tons of interaction with friends and coworkers there as well, so the loss of that exposure to people, and the loss of my best friend left me feeling more alone in the world than ever. I’ve gotten closer with other friends since then, good friends, and I know they’d be loyal to me no matter what, but something just isn’t the same now. I’m wondering if subconsciously I’m maintaining a degree of detachment to save my feelings in case something like that were to happen again even if I know it wouldn’t. It’s sort of akin to my experience with romance. I had a devastating heartbreak after we promised our everything to each other, and I’ve never felt anything for another woman since. I’ll get crushes sure, but if it fizzles, or I get ghosted or lied to, then I feel almost nothing. I’ve done a lot of thinking in the past year and a half while I’ve been out of commission so to speak. Spending nearly 20 hours in bed every day forces you to think a lot more than you might want to. You’ll face some of the darkest reaches of your psyche, but you can also use this experience as a tool to find peace within yourself. I’ve confronted many demons, overcome addictions, and found balance within myself, but something still eludes me. Like I mentioned earlier/like the title implies, I believe that deep down I am very lonely. I’ve only recently had my circumstances improve, and I understand that after such a traumatic year it will take time to readjust and acclimate to life again. I’m curious though if anybody out there agrees with my deduction, and if so, what would you suggest as a means of improving this hollowness that I can’t seem to fill? Thank you if you took the time to read this, and I apologize for the formatting as I’m relatively new to Reddit.