I am so lost. Not sure what I expect from this post, but figured it couldn't hurt. (First time poster btw)

I have struggled with mental health issues pretty much my whole life. My diagnoses run the gammut  - BPD, bipolar, anxiety, depression, ocd, ptsd, hyper-vigilance, abandonment disorder (in addition to other issues physical/hormonal/neurological) I have been told for close to 20 years that I qualify for disability; so I finally applied for that route in November 2016. I saw the state doctors and they denied me, because I am physically capable (with accommodations) I appealed and saw the state judge. She seemed convinced that I only filed to be a stay at home mom (SO not the case) Despite the employment expert stating that I was unable to be gainfully employed based on Mental and neurological issues, I was denied again. I appealed that decision via the internet and that was turned down. I now have until Friday to file a civil appeal or request an extension..... I know... I shouldn't have waited..... 

I have finally requested a referral to begin MH counselling again - I was out of it since (maybe 2017) and just having med checks with my PCP. In 5 years time, I have had 4 PCPs, 2 psychiatrists and 2 counselors due to practitioners leaving the practice, or my insurance changing.. or just not being able to afford care. I mentally just \*could not\* start over AGAIN with someone new. 

I am tired of struggling. I am tired of feeling worthless and like a lazy POS. I don't know what to do any more. Why is being healthy so damned expensive? Why do you have to jump through all three rings at the circus to prove mental illness when you've been treated for it for over 20 years without much progress? I hate having to rob Peter to pay Paul or decide if I am buying groceries, paying bills or taking care of health care. I am tired of it looking like my husband makes too much money to get any kind of help (because they don't consider mortgage/bills/med care) and worrying when my kids lunch accounts might get turned off because they are that far in the red.

I contacted a SSI law firm, they wouldn't take my case because "nothing has changed" because I wasn't being seen by a Mental Health care provider. 

I am happy to expound on any info herein - this is just a "Cliffs Notes" version of crap. I just.... I just don't event know.