I never thought I’d be this fucked up, isolated, or alone in life at 23. I’ve made one mistake after another. 


I’ve always been a fucking socially anxious, shy, and weird person. Even though it’s somehow naturally improved over the past couple of years, I have zero irl friends or acquaintances since I never built up a social life and always focused on toxic “best friendships” as a child/teenager. Aside from my one online friend (who is very dear to me), I have no one (outside of my immediate family) to talk to. A lot of the times, she’s too (understandably) busy with problems of her own to talk to me anyways. 


Aside from a few dates (from those stupid apps), one including a girl getting mad at me because I refused to have sex with her outside of a bar because she was too drunk, and another involving the girl being angry at me the entire date, I haven’t even gotten close to having a relationship in the past five years, not even close. Why would they want to? There is always a guy smarter, better looking, taller, more charismatic, more talented, or more successful than me. I’m nothing special to anyone and, even if someone says I am, they always change their mind about it sooner or later. 


By my standards, I’ve really been putting in an effort recently, I really have. I redownloaded the apps, tried to talk to women, and they all either wanted me to drive to their house to have sex with them within an hour of talking, would give one word responses, or would get mad when they realized I didn’t have an apartment, so they couldn’t come over to have sex.


I recently tried reaching out to a guy I met at work and was friends with from 2019 until six months ago when he ghosted me because I was a condescending ass about something. No response from him. 


I recently tried reaching out to have a normal conversation with a girl who I was friends with (we also liked each other) early on in high school since I ran into her mom recently, and her mom told me she was going through a hard time since she didn’t have any friends. She made it beyond obvious she had zero interest in talking to me, and she left me on opened within five messages. I’ve always felt like people perceive me as inferior/worthless in a social context, so it’s difficult for me to put myself out there and be rejected since it confirms my bias that I’m unlikeable/unloveable. It reminds me of so many times when I was introduced to someone or a group of people as a kid, and I was usually met with looks of disgust, immediate dislike, or boredom/indifference at best. It reminds me of being in school, the teacher telling us to partner up with the person sitting next to us, and the other person next to me immediately looking disgusted since they had to be my partner. 



Idk, I hope things improve one day. It doesn’t help that I have medical issues (optic nerves are swollen, blind spot in one eye developed earlier this year) that stress me tf out too. And, no, I don’t whine about any of this to people in real life, it’s just cathartic to write online.