I've always been paranoid about people disliking me and it's turned me into a people pleaser. I'm also used to being a doormat because I can't say no. For the most part it's worked for me because I've gone 26 years without making any big enemies, and people are generally nice to me.

As much as I am anxious around people, I'm terrified of people not liking me so I usually put myself out there to avoid being seen as someone bad. I'm also really bad at forming meaningful relationships because I can't seem to trust people. I have nightmares about people talking behind my back, and I often turn down outings to avoid seeing friends because I think they secretly hate me and want me to go out with them so they can make fun of me. Despite that, I'm still present when my friends need something and I make an effort to be kind.

Recently though, I started to notice that people were kind of lukewarm around me. At first I thought I was imagining it (as usual), but I'm pretty certain that people dislike me now. It started with me not getting messages about important things, and even when I did, they're worded in ways that feel very distant. Then after a while, I noticed that people were acting awkward around me. Last week, there was a company event and I was given an award for something. My eyes immediately went to my supervisor because she supported me throughout. But I noticed that she was looking at something else and she barely clapped. In that moment I realised that all my suspicions of her not liking me were true. While other people seem to be enjoying each other's company at the event, I felt like no one really wanted to spend time with me. Of course there were nice greetings and passing compliments, but those were common courtesies.

Since then, I haven't been able to leave my room and I've been stress eating and drinking. No one has really bothered to ask where I've been and I just realise how little I mean to everyone around me. I guess in several ways it's my fault for not being able to contribute normally in relationships, but it just sucks to know that I'm genuinely this bad at social relationships. 

I will get over this eventually, but it's just been a really tough few days.