I apologise for the huge text wall in advance.

I met my girlfriend three years ago when we attended the same college together. After being friends for about 3 months, we noticed we had feelings for each other and quickly fell in love. It was the happiest time of my life. We were alike in almost every way, and we felt we were perfect for each other (as much as things can be perfect).

I did quickly notice, however, that she was very sensitive. When she was extremely happy or sad, she cried easily. She also had a very low self-esteem, and often felt paranoid about how others saw her (particularly in terms of being judged). There were times where she would tell me she hates herself and that I deserve better. At times like these, I naturally felt overwhelmed and didn't know what to do. She also told me about a suicide attempt she made after a big fight with her family years ago, in which they all blamed her for something. Of course I was worried and knew that she very likely had suffered psychological damage, but that didn't take away from the fact that we really connected well together, and when we faced hardships in our relationship, we always sat down to talk about our feelings and find each other again. In short I was very happy, and I'm certain she was happy with me as well (even though it is likely that she idealized me).

But then something happened.  About half a year ago, she quit her studies and didn't know what she wanted to do in life. She used to ride horses in her home country, but she was forced to leave there when she was 14. Her riding instructor (who was like a father to her, more so than her real father) heard about her current predicament, and offered to teach her again. Because she wanted to find herself, and saw this as an opportunity to do so, she accepted.

The idea was that she would stay there for 1 year to figure things out, and then come back to decide on what she wanted to do. She left about 7 months ago. Everything seemed to go so well. It was hard work at the stables, but she was extremely happy to be back there.

But then, problems started arising. She started hanging out with a new group of friends, which is great- but her parents expressed criticism, seeing as they smoked and did drugs and encouraged her to do the same. Her mother who was there at the time expressed criticism over this, and I could tell my gf didn't like it. But worst of all, her teacher began sexually harassing and assaulting her.

She very quickly became anxious and afraid. Because he was like a father to her, it did a lot of damage. After having been there for a total of 3 months, she decided to run away and get out of there as fast as she could. Leaving that place behind left an emptyness in her- an emptyness she couldn't describe and one that I misunderstood. A while later, she asked me to refrain from saying things like 'I love you' because she felt that she couldn't say it in return because she didn't feel it, even though she knew she loved me. This confused me greatly, but I accepted.

But that wasn't the end of it. My girlfriend and her mother wanted to come back to my country, but my girlfriend's passport had expired. The average waiting time on a new passport in her country is approximately 3 months. Her mother HAD to return and thus was forced to leave my girlfriend behind with family and friends.

So right now she is living on her own, in her home country (in a particularly dangerous area) away from her loved ones who have difficulty understanding the problem. She began spending more and more time with her group of friends, and she told me she wanted to change herself in a few ways, like getting a few tattoos. She also started smoking cigarettes, doing drugs, and she started drinking more. Her family and I were worried because we didn't hear why or what exactly was going on, nor did we know when she would be coming back. I began having more and more arguments with her through text messages. 

In these arguments, I often expressed my fear of her situation. I felt like she was unsure of our relationship, seeing as we rarely talked anymore, and because I always had initiate a conversation. My codependency became more clear, as I began analysing her behaviour on social media( something I now really regret doing and feel guilty about).I definitely went too far. I acted out of fear and out of feelings of empathy, because I love her and because I want her to be okay. But she didn't feel it that way, and through my criticism she felt that I disapproved of her choices.

It was around this time that I learned she had been seeing a psychiatrist. She felt she had problems and feelings she couldn't make sense of without professional help. After a certain amount of sessions, the psychiatrist suspected she had BPD, but she wasn't sure yet. (At a later stage, the psychiatrist diagnosed her with -as my girlfriend called it- classically paranoid BPD.)

I had never even heard of BPD before, and I didn't know what to say, nor did I want to jump to conclusions. After all, the suspected diagnosis hadn't been confirmed at the time. Although I definitely was happy to hear she was getting help, I remained fearful.

About 2 weeks went by, and every single day I was worried about my girlfriend (I was driving myself crazy). We talked even less often, and I didn't understand what was going on at all. I thought she wanted to be rid of me, or that there was someone else. I was worried about how she was feeling, and desperately wanted to help her. I wanted to support her somehow, even though there was nothing I could have done. The miscommunication, the distance and the lack of understanding made that impossible.

It was at this point when we had our last big argument.

Looking back, I was being really petty. I saw a post she made on social media about something sexual, and I asked her about it. ( I was confused because she said she felt she couldn't express her sexuality and yet she was doing it right now. And yes, I know now that I was being an ***hole)

She snapped and told me she felt betrayed and manipulated, and that she understood that this was difficult for me too, but that she wouldn't stand for being manipulated. She told me that we both feel like shit and that obviously we currently can't give each other what we want, so she told me we needed a break. She said we wouldn't break up- at least not definitely. Instead we are taking a break from our relationship to sort out out feelings. We can still talk like friends (although she never initiates conversations). We will talk about it when she is back in my country- until then, we are broken up. 

I was heartbroken and confused. after a days and restless nights of thinking about what happened, I began reading up on bpd. It was then that I realised what an absolute asshole I've been. I should have been more understanding, more supportive. I shouldn't have tried to save her or get her to tell me about her feelings. My expectations were unreasonable. I was so intent on worrying about what she was doing, that I failed to see why she was doing those things. After following advice from a friend, I read a book on codepency (Codependent no more). It opened my eyes and made me realise that, not only did I have a problem of my own- I was the real reason why I was feeling troubled. 

In approximately 7 to 9 more months, she will be back, and we will discuss our feelings. Regardless of our problems (she isn't defined by her bpd) I still believe we can find each other again, but I'm not sure she agrees. She told me we're better off not chatting through skype because she didn't want to foster false hopes for me. She also told me that she thinks we aren't compatible because I disapproved of her choices (I didn't mean to make her feel that way)

I still miss her every single day. She usually avoids talking to me, even as a friend, and I don't know what to do. It makes me feel so lonely. I also don't know which feelings I should listen to, and which feelings are likely part of a moodswing.

At the very least, I know I have to give it time and space. Although it is beyond my control... I desperately do not want to lose her.

What should I do? Why does she avoid talking to me so much? Did she devalue me? And, should I seek professional help as well?
What should I do to prepare myself for when she's back?

Please tell me what you think. Thank you for your help, and thank you for reading my story. 
