I was diagnosed 6 months ago and ever since then my relationship has gone downhill. Ever since I got my BPD diagnosis I've lived with a crippling shame and an overwhelming anxiety. This has caused me to not manage my emotional outbursts well and 90% of the times I end up arguing with my partner and dumping my emotional baggage while looking for validation.

Everyday I try to break up with my partner because I don't believe he deserves to be with someone like me. He doesn't deserve the arguments or to feel responsible for my emotional unstability, the jealousy, and the chronic insecurities.

Everyday I suggest breaking up. I've caused arguments to provoke him into feeling like breaking up too. He doesn't want to leave me no matter what I say or do to support the idea of breaking up. He knows my diagnosis and during these arguments he tries giving me reassurance, or asks for space.

I know my partner loves me and he doesn't want to leave me, but I cannot shake away the guilt and the shame, or the self hatred I carry inside me for hurting him after so many of my episodes. I've said very emotional and hurtful things. I feel like I've crossed so many lines, he never deserved to experience any of this. No one deserves to experience any of this.