This will probably be rambly so any of you that stick with it and just acknowledge even if you don't input thank you for reading. 
TW for overdose 


(30f) Everything is a mess. Brief backstory: UK, vague semi diagnosis 5 years ago, another non committal diagnosis  about a year ago, OD'd without intent to die 2 years ago (I just wanted to pause life) and got bounced around every department, OD'd with intent to die at new year, 3 days in hospital, got an additional bipolar diagnosis to add to the collection. I've since pushed my family away because they're guilt tripping me about the OD when I didn't want them to know about it anyway, I was encouraged by mental health staff to tell them. 

I have 2 friends that I talk to and I live with my ex, on and off again bf. Stopped working in November because I administer medication and care for vulnerable people and I don't trust myself to do that when I'm having memory black outs and can't trust my actions. 

I'm really struggling because I have lost every coping mechanism I had and I'm trying to make new ones through my art but I just feel like I'm in limbo. Tonight I'm really frustrated because my 2 people aren't replying to me. Rationally I know that they aren't duty bound to talk to me every time I need them and they have their own lives. But that little bastard of a BPD brain is whispering that they can't be bothered with me anymore and they don't care. My mum has reached out to me but she wants me to casually move past all the pain I've felt through my family's lack of support around my suicide attempt. Again, rationally I know that they haven't hurt me on purpose but I'm struggling with the fact that other people in my family are given a free pass with their own illnesses when I'm held to a different standard because my issues are just in my head. 

I think frustration is probably the best explanation for where I'm at, I'm so frustrated that a family members PTSD is seen as more valid than my own mental illness and another family members physical illness is seen as completely different to what I go through every day. I'm not minimising PTSD or physical illness, I just don't understand why the pain I'm feeling isn't as real to them just because I can't pinpoint an exact physical attack that caused it. 


Even before I realised I was mentally unwell I always advocated that mental pain is just as valid as mental. I cannot comprehend how people can watch how much this impacts me and still think it pales in comparison to muscle and bone pain.

I'm writing here because I'm trying so hard not to be selfish, I'm not calling anyone out that's hurting me and I'm not telling them how much I'm struggling because I don't want to have negatively impact their life. I hate that society thinks we are manipulative people because the only time I manipulate anyone is to help them, to make them think that they feel better because of something they have done, rather than realising Ive orchestrated a situation that will help them. 


I'm just lost. And I'm having to fight so hard every day to win the constant war against my suicidal thoughts and I wish that someone could take the burden for a moment so I could relax. But I wouldn't put that on anyone. And I know I can't win this war every day for much longer. 

My brain is that twisted at the moment that I can't cope with faces, I try to watch TV but I recognise every person on the screen, my mind is 100% convinced that I know them, but there's no way that I know every single actor in every single Netflix show! But my brain is making memories that don't exist. I've done three home tattoos in the last few days, I've never done anything like that before. I think I'm trying to focus my mind. But, honestly, I don't have a fucking clue where I'm at right now. Thank you for giving me a space to vent, if you've read this far then I really hope you aren't struggling today and I appreciate you taking an interest in my post x