In movies about time travel, often while situations and the settings change, the people themselves are the same. They have the same opinions, and have the same reactions. If they are different in anyway, it's because of outside forces. These people are static. It's the same irl. People don't change on a whim. They're sculpted by the world and have hard, solid values. They have core personalities. Good or bad, they stick to their personal truths. 

I feel nothing like that. I don't feel like I have a core personality. Today, I care about the homeless. Today I care about littering, or my family, or the state of the world. I would take a bullet for my mother and I want to be a good person. Tomorrow I will be selfish. I won't care about anything or anyone, because maybe I will feel the universe has been unfair to me. Maybe I will feel I deserve more. Maybe I will feel people take me for granted. And so, fuck everybody. I hope they rot. The day after that, I will be neutral. I'll be an average person and I'll feel normal. 

Family members have told me they love me no matter what, and I can't understand that feeling because I would betray them in a heartbeat. If I suddenly wanted to, because my feelings for them and other people change so rapidly. 

I'm not the same person I was the other day. I'm always changing. My opinions aren't real. I've argued against things I believed in the same sitting. And it makes no sense at all. I sink so much time into being a real person, but it crumbles and it feels like I have to start over. 

I guess, no matter who I am, at the heart of the matter I am a horrible person. And, it's funny when people tell me "you can change! The fact that you recognize it means you have the power to!" No, no. It's a wild fucking ride. I'm wide awake but I'm sure as hell not driving.