I've known this for over 10  years now but back then I thought it was more to do with my looks. Now I know that even if I was attractive, I mentally would not be able to have one. I've been thinking about it a lot - all the things that lead up to me being like this. But I'm not sure if these are the actual reasons or whether I'm just fucked up in general. 

It started as a child. Can't remember the exact age, I just know I don't remember a time when it wasn't happening. A relative used to force me to do things. She'd threaten to tell people not to play with me and beat me if I didn't do what she said. My mum, who was fully aware, would punish us both when we were found instead of keeping her away from me. This I believe was the start of my trust issues, my feelings of inadequacy and unimportance. If she loved me she'd save me, right? I must not be worth it. I learned to keep my mouth shut. The abuse stopped around aged 10. By then depression and anxiety had already made itself at home and I had made my first self harm attempt. I had also started trying to lose weight. At the same time my mum had also been emotionally abusing me calling me weak, worthless, disgusting and all other degrading names. Also beating me.

I was bullied in primary school (thanks to said relative spreading rumours about me and hitting/shouting at me in front of everyone in her attempt to humiliate me), which was only made worse when I had stopped washing frequently due to the abuse. I had developed what I now know is OCD. I was afraid of being naked and sitting in the bath. Bathrooms in general made me feel sick and dirty. This lasted around two years 8 - 10/11. I had also started to practice rituals to keep me  safe from 'aliens'. I had friends but they weren't  real friends. 

By the time I started high school I was bathing again. Until recently I'd never actually seen the connection between the lack of bathing and the abuse, or how I'd started washing frequently after it stopped. Unfortunately, some of the bullies from primary school went to the same high school and told everyone. The name calling continued, made worse by that relative also being at the school and continuing to harass me. I had 0 self esteem and was ugly. I'd try to hide myself as much as I could, meaning I would never put my hair fully into a pony tail because then my hideous head would be on display. This enraged her. Whenever she saw me she'd shout and say how stupid I looked in front of everyone. She'd comment on my hunched shoulders and angry face (I wasn't actually angry, most of the time I was just trying hard not to cry - I physically couldn't relax my shoulders due to having so much anxiety). 

Started self harming frequently aged 12. Also started eating only once a day. By year 8 I was completely broken. Doctor noticed and forced me to join cahms by year 9. Mum was infuriated. Pretended to be supportive in front of doctors but hurled insults at home, telling me they'd put me in care where I'd be abused. How they could never help me, basically trying to turn my mind against them in order to save her own ass. Told the family I'd been calling them abusers making them all hate me even more than they already did. Never once mentioned any of the above to my psychiatrist. Most sessions were spent sitting in silence because I was too afraid to say anything. And the one time I did, they told my mum. Which they never should have done because I was not in any danger nor made any threats. 

Attempted suicide for the first time aged 13, hospitalised. Something happened, he tells me to keep quiet, too afraid to say in case I'm beaten for it. Keep it to myself, fall even deeper. Something happened again a few years later, still can't say because I'm afraid of my parents finding out. Keep it to myself where it festers. 

Now a fully fledged worthless adult. Unable to have relationships of any kind. Can't enjoy sex because I dissociate. Can't hug or kiss without freezing up because I despise being touched. Rarely talk to friends because I feel like I'll bring them down. They have their careers, some are married. I'm living at home with parents who hate me and I hate them. Mum frittered away my savings. No job. No degree. No boyfriend. Agoraphobia. Went from being under weight to obese thanks to binge eating and medication. Ugly. Suicidal. I want a boyfriend but I want to be left alone. I'm unsure if I want one because I want a relationship or because I feel I SHOULD have one at this age. Had nothing but bad experiences with men which I put up with because of that fear. Fear of what? I'm not a child anymore, who will beat me? Who will they turn against me? I don't have to lie there and take the pain. Sex isn't supposed to hurt. Fuck I'm so angry with myself. Not even in my fantasies can I hug. Why hug anyway? Why get a boyfriend? It's not like anyone ever truly likes me. I've been celibate for four years because I'm way too fucked up. Started talking to a guy a few weeks ago. Turned out he was a liar (married, claiming to be divorced, now says separated - don't believe a word). Ghosted him. Had a bad feeling about him from the get go but ignored it because I'm a fucking idiot. It's been drilled into my head that I am always wrong about people, that I'm paranoid. Bullshit. Why do I still second guess myself? 

 I'm just a hole surrounded by a clump of shit pretending to be human. 