I found out today that my partner has been lying to me about hooking up with some other girl. This happened months ago but he’s been continuously lying to me about it. 

I lashed out and hit him, I know that’s not right and I feel awful for it. I also took his laptop and threatened to delete what was on it (an empty threat because I was so hurt), he’s 187lbs and does mma, and I’m about 120lbs. He proceeds to slam me into the ground in order to ‘restrain me’ and put his weight on my neck with his knee. He’s done this in the past calling, with knees to the chest, slams against the wall and calls it self defence. Now I can’t breathe, I’m flailing and I catch his face. I gave him a pretty bad scratch and he’s furious saying things like: how could I hurt him like that? what’s wrong with me? next time I try something like that he wont take so much care for my well being. I’m genuinely scared, I understand I wasn’t calm but he’s calling me the aggressor when I’ve flat out caught him in a horrendous lie and have every right to be upset. No I shouldn’t have threatened his laptop, but I didn’t physically touch him until he started pushing and dragging me. I swear I’ve never been violent or aggressive or harmed anyone but myself. Since being with this man my anger is explosive and nasty, I don’t know who I am or what’s going on. I’m scared of myself and he makes me feel like I’m the one to blame for everything bad that’s happening and blaming BPD. I know I’m not perfect and I have really poor behaviour sometimes and I’ve definitely contributed and said some very bad things to him in the past. But another part of me is screaming saying that he’s causing so much of this reactivity.