I have lost. I'm 19 years old, Depression for me has really been something I've denied realizing I have had for years. I believed that God would always be there for me, comforting me. But I realize now Religion and God didn't care about me. Religion just indoctrinated me into Fearing God or else. What kind of God would do that. I don't fear religious liars who truly believe God is a monster. If there even is a God I hope he's a chill being. 

I believed my God would save me. My father divorced my mother when I was only two. My Biological mother was a whole can of worms. She committed theft from companies she worked at. Was a raging alcoholic and addicted to Smoking and chewing tobacco. Even before she married my dad she did these things, hiding these issues in previous marriages until she slipt up and they found out who she really was. My dad found out in the worst way possible. She got arrested after committing theft of over 20,000+ dollars from the company she was working at. The police believed she only got married to my father to change her last name. My Then Barely year old sister and 2 year old me couldn't understand the situation but it must have been hell for my father. I don't know the details because I know it hurts him when I do. He doesn't like talking about his time spent with my biological mother. 

This was all around 2005, skip forward to 2007 Hes talking to this girl he met on a Christian dating website. She also had 2 kids and was divorced. I was young but the only thing I remember from that encounter was meeting My two step siblings. The older one, she was about 7 or 8 and the younger one, he was only 5. Im glad the first time we met we got along. My baby sister wasn't exactly "social" so It was really just us talking. It was nice. My father and their mother get married later that year. At first I can't argue that I gave my new step mother hell. I don't remember much but she does. I didn't like her because she wasn't my real mom. And I didn't know what My real mom did so I had no real reason to hate her. So when this new step mother came in I was a brat. This was the moment of time I think that ruined her perspective of me and my younger sister. Something she wouldn't be able to move on from even to this current day. 

When I say my Step mother was the reason I was depressed I mean that with the utmost certainty. My biological mother whom I consider to be a stranger in my life barely popped in and out of my view. I saw her occasionally ever Couple years and then radio silence for more of them. It's sad but I learned at a young age I couldn't pretend like I could rely on her so I didn't. My step mom however was someone I was around constantly. My dad had to work late hours at work with overtime to provide for the family. In-between breaks and Saturdays I rarely saw him. Meaning from the Moment I get back from school I was with her. I wasn't a picky kid. I'm an introvert by nature so I kept to myself. I had no interest in getting to know her and she didn't have any in me. She fed me, did laundry, the usual chores and I was too young to do anything for her. When I got older and we moved to a new house down the street from our old one I was maybe 8 so it's been around 4 years. My mom thought it was time for me to do chores. Taking out garbage around the house, ontop of laundry folding and unloading the dishwasher. Not too tough honestly. Eventually it evolved to Cleaning bathrooms and what not. And then, It turned into working for her with no pay. From the moment we got back from school until late into the night (7-8pm) my mom baby sat young kids. And while she had them most the day she relied on me and my younger sister to "watch" them and play with them while she went upstairs and scrolled through Facebook- I mean "payed bills" for hours at a time. It was mind numbing. My step mother went as far as to Ground us for the littlest of things so we wouldn't spend a couple hours playing with neighbors outside. When we weren't grounded for I kid you not months at a time we would both switch off days we could go hang out with friends. Me and my sister forced to sit at home playing with children nearly 5 years younger than us. I never blamed the kids, I wouldn't say I enjoyed being forced to sit around with them all day but I would take that over talking to my step mother. This was only the beginning. From when I was in second grade to my sophomore year of high school this was my life. Mostly grounded playing with children In a far younger age range than myself. She spoils her kids, she and my dad had two more that were of course the babies of the house. And while my Step siblings only got older and more independent the more trapped and less freedom me and my younger sister had. My Younger sisters friends called The Step mom a Literal monster for how verbally abusive and quick to anger she was. 

I think the worst part about her was Her anxiety. Don't get me wrong for anyone this would suck. But she took out all her pain and frustration on us. "I don't love them the same way I love my kids" and "You guys are the reason I have to go to therapy" "You are an Idiot" Were frequent things she would say to Either us or how she would describe me and my sister to her friends and family. And she didnt make it a secret to us either. Making sure we knew that we caused her so much pain and agony. We weren't star students but We tried our best to just stay in our lane. My sister became alot more rebellious and bold than I did. She often argued with them even if it was something completely petty. My step mom wasn't very forgiving when it came to these things. Life must be pretty easy when you can blame two children on all your issues.

"But she's your step mother cut her a break she's new to this" is quite possibly the most hilarious argument I've heard when telling this story to friends of mine. Don't you think I tried that? Constantly avoiding her, Doing my chores to the utmost perfection, Getting grades she would be proud of, trying to make sure she knew I loved her everyday and constantly worked hard entertaining her Jobs children so she could make money. I didn't argue with her Ever. Out of fear I would be grounded but Atleast I didn't. 

She's the reason I'm depressed. She taught me that no matter how hard I try she will never be impressed. To this day, THIS day she only points out the worst in what I do no matter how much effort I put in she only sees it as a failure to notice tiny details. She often said she hates the Step mother from Cinderella because it gives step moms a bad name. Little did she know she was the embodiment of her

19 years old. A pathetic Human being all because my Father married the wrong person. And my dad eats up every lie she feeds him. I've lost at life. I'm gonna go take my dog for a walk one last time. I'd rather die after doing something I enjoy. If you made it this far, don't be a coward, seek help before it's too late. Because it is for me

It's over