I just recently got diagnosed with depression and anxiety. It wasn't to any surprise to me as I have been feeling so lonely for a very long time, even while being in a relationship. I know a lot of it does come from having a partner who is Bipolar and struggles to be able to manage his own emotions himself which in return has caused my self esteem to drop to the floor. But today I finally figured it out with my therapist where this depression came from and I feel like now I have the key to helping my depression and turning my life over. 

Growing up I never had parents who were emotionally supportive, they were there to bring food to the table but that's about it. They were never once worried about how I was and growing up I pretty much resented them for it. They were barely present, I grew up with my grandmother. I grew so much resentment to the point where I can say I don't have love for them and I struggle to even hold a relationship up to this day. Growing up I struggled with bullying alone and it truly took a toll in my self esteem. Also growing up, I was part of a few relationships, pretty much my whole entire teenage-adult life. I barely had any space between them where I can say I was single for a long time. In fact I would only be able to get over an ex by involving myself with someone else. It's like I always need to occupy myself with something.

Up to this day, my own romantic relationship is struggling. There has been many times where I have wanted to leave the relationship to just end up going back. Any boundaries that I have formed in my head leaves as soon as I feel alone and I quickly try to excuse his behaviors and breaking my own boundaries just to not lose him. I resent him now for breaking me even though the only person to blame is me for allowing it. It gets to the point where arguments in the relationship cause me to sleep in for entire days some days and being unable to eat. I have always fantasized about having the "love of my life," my dream guy, and getting married and every time I get with a partner the fantasy gets engraved in my head and I do whatever to make it happen. Even if my self-esteem is being destroyed because it isn't a healthy relationship. I put him before my needs and I have became codependent to the point where he takes such a huge toll on my moods, and if we are not doing good.. I feel like my whole days are ruined and I get depressed. I do whatever I can to save each one of my relationships until I can't take it anymore. Then I meet someone else who shows potential and the whole cycle repeats again. I'm so tired of it. 

Through therapy today, my therapist was able to identify my issue, I have developed a fear of loneliness due to my childhood trauma. This explains why I am a pretty impulsive person in my decisions which help me feel validated. My childhood has caused me to grow up with little to no self esteem and I struggle to feel confident. This explains why I hold onto such toxic relationships for such a long time and why I put myself second always and this is with my partner and my friendships. I hate being alone, and I don't want to be alone even if I know that is best for me. The fear takes over my morals, my wants and my needs. This is why I struggle so much to break up with someone, why I let myself be emotionally abused, I hate it so much.

If any of this resonates with you just know that you aren't alone. I have started my journey to overcome my fear of loneliness. I am currently on paroxetine but not only that, I will start my journey of forgiveness- forgiving my family for my past.. for the longest time I blamed myself for my childhood thinking I didn't deserve any love. And I will start my journey of loving myself- figuring out that I don't need absolutely anybody to make me happy. That my happiness is first before anything/ or anybody else. I want to be happy again and I want to overcome this depression I have lived my whole entire life pretty much. I want to feel whole again. Then I can start letting go of what I don't need in my life once I can do this for myself and be OK with being alone. I will do what it takes, I'm ready.