This is my first time posting. For some background, this is a platonic best friendship. I’ve known her since I was 12 and we’ve been best friends since. She is 2 years older than me. When I was 18 she was diagnosed with BPD. A year later I was diagnosed with BPD as well. We had so much in common and I loved being around her. It was us against the world. She was the only person who understood what went through my head. But, our friendship has always been up and down. Both of us having BPD is a big reason behind these fights, and a lot of them happened when we were teenagers. But once we entered our 20s I vowed to become a better person in spite of my personality disorder. She spoke about this as well. But her behaviors never changed - if anything, they got worse. 

Consistently throughout our friendship whenever she would get tired of me she would ignore me. She would not respond to texts or calls for days. When I would reach out to see what was wrong, or get upset by it, she would blow up on me and call me controlling or possessive and then end our friendship and block me on everything. 9 times out of ten this is how she would end our friendship. I would be heart broken and then once she decided she wanted me back in her life after a few months, she’d find a way to crawl back into my life. She’s always known exactly how to con me into falling for her trap. I love her genuinely and fully. She knows this. She always made jokes about me being a puppy dog because I trusted her so blindly. She drained me of money… put me down for most of my habits. But she always had a way of making it a “joke” so if I reacted she would have a reason to play it down. 

She would track my location and call me when she saw I was at the store or getting coffee, demanding I get something for her. I always obliged because I loved making her happy and I figured if I did everything she wanted, she wouldn’t leave me again. This always blew up in my face. 

She set me up with her roommate and once we were together, she tried to sabotage our relationship. Multiple times. 

In July the cycle continued. She ignored me for a week and then sent me a text message ending our friendship again. When I went to respond, I had already been blocked on everything. I was devastated. 

Fast forward to early last month, she unblocks me on everything and I start seeing her stuff again. Which hurts and immediately triggers me. Eventually she ends up trying to sink her teeth into me again by calling me multiple times, sending me multiple audio messages of her crying, begging to be my friend again, everything I ever wanted from her. She took responsibility for everything she did to me.

She admitted to ignoring me on purpose so that when I confronted her on why, she could accuse me of being controlling. She admitted to lying to her therapist about our conflict so she would seem like the victim. (She held the fact she could go to therapy over my head MANY TIMES and consistently talked down to me as if she knew better because of it) she admitted to being jealous of me and my boyfriend (that she set me up with) and to gaslighting me for years. 

This is when I officially realized she was a narcissist. I’ve always had my speculations, but I’ve never been sure. But this just sealed my assumption so I confronted her on it. She agreed she is a narcissist and more than likely struggled with NPD. 

I needed space and once I didn’t give her an immediate answer like I usually do, she started pulling away. She tried to take back some of the stuff she admitted to doing, turning it around me and claiming she only manipulated me because of how I treated her. What? The? Fuck? 

She sealed her own coffin of our friendship that day. I told her to get out of my life. She blocked me on everything, again. 

I thought she loved me, but come to find out, she is incapable of feeling real love. She only knows how to mimic the feeling of love when she wants something from the person… all of the things she said behind my back while we were still friends. This happened only mere months ago. She made fun of my weight gain, my money habits and my personality disorder. Who does this to someone they love? Someone they consistently call their soul mate? I just don’t understand why she can’t love me. All I ever did is everything she wanted.

And even after all of this, I miss her. I love her. I want to see her and I want her in my life. I know this isn’t possible and she isn’t good for me. But Jesus fuck, she was my best fucking friend and now she’s gone. Again.