I am so fucking fed up of living in constant pain. Everything hurts, every day, it's fucking exhausting. I feel like I'm on the edge of dying permanently.  The only time I feel okay anymore is if I'm drunk, stoned, high or cutting. Even good times are painful, I'm so in the moment it hurts. When I'm out I stay out until I'm so tired I can't fucking stand because I never want the night to be over. I put off seeing my friends or even speaking on the phone sometimes because I know inevitably I will have to say goodbye to them. I think about my friends, family and FP abandoning me all of the time, whether it's their choice or not. The thought of them dying paralyzes me. I love my FP so much thinking about them makes my whole body ache.  I really want to talk to my FP about all of this but they don't even know I have BPD and I've already put them through so much bullshit, I don't want to worry them or be a burden when they've already done so much for me. I feel like they might run if I tell them about my diagnosis, or worse invalidate it, and I am fucking terrified. It's been two years and I don't want to put them through any more pain, I'm trying really hard to change for them but the emotions are so easily roused and they totally overtake me. I really feel like I have nothing to give them in return and the kind thing to do would be to cut them off because their life will be a constant headache with me in it. I cannot understand why they're still speaking to me, everyone would be better off if I'd never been born. I don't know who I am and I feel like an empty shell with just air inside with nothing good to offer.