I have always been depressed. Trauma occurred in childhood and revisited at 15 as an incapacitating feeling of sickness and I just lost the plot. Quit school and did horrible things. That's probably when it would have registered as severe but my mom and I weren't too educated on depression. We didn't know say my head pains were caused by depression. Nor did we know it caused fatigue. Popular public perception is it's just lazy, selfish people who cry in bed all day. It's also heavily stigmatized. So we kept trying to go to doctors to get a diagnosis on a non-mental disease I didn't have.

Knew I had OCD and body dysmorphic disorder though. Those are about as subtle as a brick to the face. No real ambiguity to either. Most of the classic symptoms of OCD and all the classic symptoms of BDD and then some \[used to slash my face - got psych warded twice for it\]. Got shitty mental health treatment along the way. Diagnosed with asbergers and undiagnosed with what I did have \[who the fuck decided they could diagnose?\]. This was by a therapist I saw only 3 times when aspbergers was being ridiculously overdiagnosed.

Spent 10 years living with mom, a mostly shut-in that would sometimes walk the streets. Sometimes in a house robe because I felt no motivation to change yet a strong sense of restlessness. That caused problems in the neighborhood. Had a huge meltdown out of town with my mom, cops called, and was psych warded, diagnosed with severe MDD, spent 50 days where the average stay is 5, and mom said I couldn't come home so I ended up in a homeless shelter. Got out and after some time homeless ended up with an apartment on a voucher and later SSI \[disability\] \[fun fact - as of 2021 the maximum a single adult could receive is just $794/mo\] and still reliant on my mother for money.

I had ECT \[electroconvulsive therapy\] and started to feel better then about 6 months ago I convinced myself I was doing better, even depression isn't real, started working for the first time in my life at 27 and even enrolled in community college. Then a month ago I caught covid and literally the first symptoms I got were severe dread and exhaustion. Depression came back full force. 

Covid was bad, I took three weeks off and my coworkers all resented me for it and doubted I even had it. I kept documentation and offered it to the director but he did not want it. They are not subtle at all in their disdain. Only working part-time there now doing easier shifts because I still feel extremely tired.

But the 5 month window I thought depression left and I could start a normal life on an obliterated foundation was bullshit. I still had low energy, poor memory, poor critical thinking and intrusive thoughts. I had deluded myself. 

Depression is a real disease and it literally causes actual brain damage. The actual brain damage might be partly recovered from if I could overcome depression first. But that's probably not going to happen. I had ECT, that's a last resort treatment.

 [Depressed Brain: How It Affects You (healthline.com)](https://www.healthline.com/health/depression-physical-effects-on-the-brain#reversing-the-effects)