(TW: mention of self-harm briefly, no details, happened years ago) 

I (22F) have a wonderful life, really always had. My wonderful boyfriend (22) lives with me in our beautiful apartment, we have two kitties, I'm about to graduate college with a decent GPA, and we're looking to move out of state once that happens. But it seems like my anxiety is more insidious than it ever has been. I never really thought of myself as an angry person until someone I once knew told me I was an angry person (rightly so, but angry nonetheless) shortly after my father's accidental death when I was 18 and just starting college. But now I'm starting to feel as though I'm angry all the time.

 I was diagnosed with acute phobia (no longer super relevant but at the time it was extremely so) and GAD at 11 by a child psychologist. I was put on Prozac, and from then on I've been on quite a few different anti-depressants since for around 10 years, including SNRI Effexor, Wellbutrin, anti-psychotic Abilify, and Klonopin (some at the same time, some not) until I stopped taking them in the last year. I was doing okay on them, but occasionally I would have this extremely debilitating, intense, and distressing depersonalization episodes where I felt nearly catatonic, actually having to instruct myself how to walk or move my arms in my head, but otherwise feeling like wax, stuck in a particular position even if it was uncomfortable. I stopped taking them when this became a problem, was off for about 6 months, and then started taking them again at the advice of my boyfriend who noticed me struggle, but within a week I had that same kind of episode again. (This was strictly Effexor and Abilify combo, I did not take klonopin any time this happened as that drug was prescribed as needed for me). I never took it again after that and it's been about 5 or so months. But interestingly, I've never felt that any of these drugs actually ever worked for me, ever, definitely not for anxiety but also not for depressive symptoms either, because as it turns out, my depression was situational and was left completely unaffected by these drugs. 

But I've also had multiple therapists in the last 10 years, all with different approaches, and nothing seems to have stuck. I've done group therapy, had a few psychiatrists, and had a stint in inpatient a few years back after struggling with daily self-harm for about 5 years, where I had a psychiatrist there. I've done CBT, DBT, forms of ACT, bits of exposure therapy, and nothing has seemed to stick with me. 

At this point, I'm so anxious I actually don't notice it because it's the only way I think. With any given situation, I've been told I think of complete worst case scenarios. This could literally be about things as small as finding a product I want in the grocery store. I remember way too many times I've been right and not enough times I'm wrong. I've noticed, after too many arguments with my boyfriend, I can't accept any silver lining in any situation; it has to always been worst case scenario or bust, don't even acknowledge the possibility of it going right, much to his frustration at this point. I crack under any amount of pressure. I can't even get homework assignments in at the right time anymore because of my procrastination, easily overwhelmed personality, high levels of stress all the time, etc. Its really becoming a problem, and now I worry I won't even graduate on time because of the terrible grades I'm getting on all my assignments for this freshman level genetics class I put off taking until my last semester when I need this class to graduate (I'm a social science major for a reason lol). It's becoming so bad I can only function with this lens of anxiety constantly on, like I can say I'm calm, I can do breath work, I can do stress relieving activities (I find taking long walks outside with music the biggest source of calm stimulation I can think of, helps me sort emotions, boost my mood, all that), but at the end of the day, I'm still anxious throughout all of that, I still have all that in the back of my head constantly eat away at me. I'm functioning, but probably not in a way that most people do, because everything I seem to do is driven out of fear, and I'm seriously hurting people around me because of it, but nothing has helped in the past, and it seems like it's only getting worse.