I remember seeing some article once about a woman who had lost her home several times due to hurricanes, having to start over and rebuild each time. And I think it's a bit relatable to how I have experienced bipolar.

In the first many years in ignorance of what was going on, over a decade, I succumbed to depression that got worse and worse as the years went, until I couldn't take it anymore. But because I was barely functioning at that time, it was ineffective and and ended up surviving and hospitalized for months. And a lot of resources were put in by society to try and rehabilitate me, rebuilding me. 

Slowly, I started getting better and slightly hopeful about life. Working on myself and one day after a long time,  I found myself happy. "This is how life should be, I did it! For the first time in my life I am happy!" I thought. I had won and figured out life! I had a relationship, a good job. I could finally begin living.

Except, it didn't stop at happily ever after. I got increasingly "happier" and suddenly I had these grandiose plans on how to save the world, writing a book for that purpose, going to dangerous areas. If everyone knew what I knew and felt, with my love and happiness, there would be no more problems. Euphoria.

At a regular appointment, a psychiatrist could tell, without me even mentioning these plans. "You are manic". Pleading or discussing it didn't help. I was committed against my will. At the hospital, the diagnosis came, Bipolar. I had gone through all that just to be deemed insane, locked away.

I was back to rebuilding, not just my mental state but the perception of myself and everything. The home within.
And it's been like that ever since, just building that home back up again in order for it to be blown down by some invisible hurricane. And I will keep doing that , through the depression, suicidal thoughts, the other episodes. It's just that, it's not getting easier and I am tired. How long can one do this?

If you struggle with something similar, I have no answers. Only that I will cling to hope as long as I can, that we can have that inner peaceful home, that at least lasts for a little while longer.