(TW: Mention of rape, suicidal thoughts, and self-harm)

Two years ago, I slept with one of my coworkers after we went out drinking together. I'd had a crush on him for a while, and he spent the whole night pursuing me. He also knew I had PTSD because I'd told him a while ago after he purposely scared me (I was known for being jumpy at work, and I usually made a joke out of it to hide the reality). At one point, he even asked me if my ex-boyfriend was the reason I had PTSD. 

Anyway, we slept together, and I ended up telling him I'd been raped by my ex (because he asked). Honestly, the night was wonderful. He and I connected immediately, we stayed up the whole night, I cooked him breakfast, we cuddled, everything. Then he pretended like none of it ever happened. I was so devastated I self-harmed and even contemplated suicide. I felt so used, and after having told him about what my ex did to me, the fact that he would have sex with me and then just throw me away like that felt like another kind of violation. Anyway, a few weeks later, I eventually confronted him, and he apologized, saying he got freaked out because I was his coworker and he'd had bad experiences getting in involved with coworkers before. At the time, I immediately accepted his apology, because I still had feelings for him and I was desperate to cling to that idea I'd had of him prior to how horribly he treated me.

Anyway, fast forward two years later. I still thought about him all the time. I finally told my therapist the truth about how horribly he treated me, and she was horrified. Every other time I talked about him, I left out little bits, because I was in denial about how cruel he was. But when I finally accepted the truth, I've been going through these constant waves of rage and despair ever since. I have no happy associations with that night anymore. I completely hate him.

Anyway, last night, something snapped. I texted him, telling him that I regretted forgiving him, that he was a coward, and that two years later I was still in pain. Then, and I feel horrible about this, I sent him a picture of my cuts and told him they were all because of him. He told me that he was sorry if I "was hurt," then continued to say that he was incredibly intoxicated when we hooked up, that it was two years ago, and that I scared him. He told me I should get help and that he was there for me if I needed him. Instead I left him on read and blocked him.

I feel both horrible and relieved. I no longer miss him, but what I did was so cruel and so manipulative, I'm so ashamed of it. I don't even know how to feel now. I just feel drained and empty. I don't have therapy until Tuesday, and I feel like I'm going crazy waiting until I can talk to my therapist about it. I'm trying to keep busy, but it's really hard. Part of me is tempted to apologize for sending him the picture of my cuts. The other part wants him to feel guilty for the rest of his life. I'm so full of hatred for him I feel like I'm going to explode. I don't know what to do.