My life has been going downhill for quite a few years now i keep destroying my own life i've become a miserable person, i keep lying which ends up making stuff so much worse at times, i have zero motivation for anything i am 19 years old had 2 Internships one for a year and one for a day which were both miserable because im too stupid and have zero motivation for anything I feel like my mental health is at an all time low i just cried for an hour straight and i keep getting headaches thinking about my life.

Im about to repeat my last year in school and i doubt anything will change it feels like my teachers only care about us finding jobs and dont see some of the other issues which are way more of a problem it makes me kind of sick how some of the teachers even think there was a person that commited suicide by jumping infront of a train so the trains werent driving for a while and one of my teachers said "he could've just jumped off a building instead of jumping infront of a train" because he had to take the train somewhere.

I've isolated myself for a long time now I really wish I would never have to go outside people and society in general scare me, the world of work is scary as hell people get abused so often just so people can earn more money thinking about having to get up each day to work in a place I will probably be abused in and I will probably hate working in makes me not even want to search for jobs and with my mental state im not able to work either way I cant think logically im suffering from alot of mental issues im too scared to seek help I keep having suicidal thoughts and I really wish to die but im too scared to actually commit suicide mostly because of my family and some friends I actually care about, im too scared of them finding out about my issues and blaming themselves for not seeing them.

Im slowly killing myself I have gained alot of weight the last few years my heart beats slower, i dont do any sports i just mostly sit on my pc because its one of the few things that actually make me happy.

I have read so many posts about people feeling more or as miserable as me and it is awful i know how shitty these feelings are and i do not wish anyone to suffer as much as i or some other people have.

I dont feel like i can change into a better person im too lazy to even get up and do anything I feel like im just another part of the problem.