TW: References to suicide, negative rhetoric. 

Skip this post if you don’t want to read the incoherent ramblings of a lost soul that just needs to scream into the void for a moment before returning to complete and utter obscurity. 

Yknow, I’ve been asking myself ‘why?’ lately. Over, and over, and over again. 

Why should I wake up every day just to grind what little is left of myself down on the corporate machine?

Why does my perception of nearly everything have to be so skewed to the negative? Do I have a neurochemical imbalance? Am I crazy? Or is it something inherently wrong with the world? 

Why do I *have* to live in a world like this? Why couldn’t I have been literally anyone, anything, or anywhere else? 

Why do I have to live such an obscure life? A spec of dust amongst trillions of specs of dust amongst innumerable quintillion specs of dust?

Fuck knows man.

I’m at the end of my rope with it all- everything. Literally everything.

I near constantly think what death’s like. Would it be like eternal sleep? Or maybe it’s reincarnation? Maybe eternal damnation? Whatever it is, it would beat the monotony of this pathetic, insignificant life I lead— which is a weirdly comforting notion.

It’s funny cause people tell me I’ve barely even begun to experience life but after seventeen years of this bland, grey existence I’m just fucking *bored* of it all. Nothing evokes emotion in me anymore. Nothing is sacred. I just want to sleep forever. Or die. Or both. Can’t tell.

Drugs helped for a while. They helped me forget reality was real whilst I was on them but it’s like my brain’s been fucked ever since. I can’t focus on anything. I’m barely even there anymore.

When I talk to people at my day job it’s like they don’t talk to me, they talk at me. They don’t see me, they see through me. Same for my friends and family. Am I lacking something that qualifies a person as being a ‘person’? Could I even be considered a human being in the state I’m in? Again, fuck knows.

I don’t want to live if ‘life’ is just gonna be like this for the next 70 years.

This was a mess but hey, I’m a mess. Don’t give me pity or sympathy, my display of self pity alone is pathetic and weak but idk. It needed to escape me in some form else I genuinely think I’d go insane. Or maybe I already am. Idk.