It is Monday again, I'm sitting at work and I'm sad.

My partner is a phD/professor in the humanities, looking for jobs, which are extremely difficult to come by in his field. He's applying in our area, but also all over the country. As it is, he works part time teaching, but it's not a great or sustainable long-term situation. 

He's been trying to get a full-time job for 2 years. He's got 2 interviews for jobs literally across the country this week. He's waiting to hear back from another job in a different state. All the jobs are for the fall, so they start in September. (He's had 3 other interviews since he started looking and didn't get any of those jobs). Every interview he gets makes me panic about abandonment and the future, and puts my mind spinning into catastrophe. I start doing an inventory of all the difficulties we've had in our relationship, most of them due to my BPD. I'm like "is this the right relationship for forever????" The options for if he does move (me moving, long distance, and breaking up) feel like they all have their own huge disadvantages. We have never lived together and long-distance sounds like it'd be REALLY challenging for me. Obviously I don't want to break up either. I love him, he's great and very important to me. There's just a lot of uncertainty and it's terrifying.

My partner tells me he thinks I'm strong enough to get through this, no matter what happens. It is hard to believe that sometimes. I don't want to make the wrong choice and have my life and relationship fall apart.

How do you deal with uncertainty about the future? And how do you deal with really difficult choices in your relationship as a team, while still looking out for yourself? Does anyone have any similar experiences they can share? I have been in DBT for 2 years, and therapy for longer than that, but this is a big, complicated deal, and I'm not sure what I'm doing.

I spent some time Sunday morning crying in bed while my partner made breakfast. Then I got up and went on a hike. I took a shower this morning for the first time in a few days. I'm putting one foot in front of the other, but it's hard to stop ruminating, and the sadness keeps coming in waves.