Hello everyone I’m a 15 year old female and I don’t know where else to go for this kind of thing so I’ve come here. I’m not sure if anyone will actually read all of this but I guess it’s also a way to write out my emotions. Last summer I was probably the most content I’d ever been. I had a large group of friends ( considering I’ve always been a shy person this was a huge success for me )and I was actually very healthy. I upped my water intake, was eating nutritious meals, was doing consistent exercise, you know all of that. I felt so great too. I would stay up all night with my friends and when the sun rose I would go out to just look at how beautiful life was. It was the summer before freshmen year and I felt so good about myself and life. I even had a thing with this boy I really liked and we would talk all night long. If anything I’ve never felt so lively before. It felt like it was the peak of my life.

Anyways nearing towards the end of the summer I lost my appetite for food completely out of no where. I began to feel very bloated all the time and I struggled with my general digestion. Because of this working out was difficult for me and I stopped doing it consistently. I’m still struggling with this unknown condition to this day and all the doctors I’ve been to haven’t been any help. It makes me cry sm that I can’t enjoy food anymore. I feel awful about my body as well. At the same time period I developed severe cystic acne that covers my entire cheeks chin and forehead. This has impacted my mental health the most. I know the medications will take time to work but it’s so hard for me. Waking up everyday is extremely difficult for me. It’s not like I wished I were dead ( though I do think about it sometimes ) but I love when I’m unconscious because I don’t have to worry about anything. With these personal issues I also began to experience excessive stress due to school. I lost all motivation to do work. I used to be the type of kid that teachers knew would pull through with whatever it was that I was given. You see, I loved art and writing. Every teacher I’ve ever had would always tell me “ but I know you’ll do something amazing “. It never gave me an egotistical mindset but it never made me feel amazing either. I liked doing great because it makes me feel good about myself as a person. However now turning in an assignment alone is a miracle. I can’t imagine putting in the same amount of effort into an assignment now like I used to.  I’m terrified of going into my sophomore year with AP and Honors classes when I was barely able to keep up this year. I’ve also cut off all my friends due to how low I’ve been. I’m not the same person I was a year ago and I feel as though they’d be better off without me. So in the end I don’t have anyone to really talk to.

I have a therapist and she’s great but I feel like I don’t deserve therapy. I love my parents I do but I feel like the older I get the more I start to realize things. Like I mentioned I’m a shy individual. Always have been and maybe always will be. I never knew why I just noticed it on my first day of kindergarten when all the kids in the room were able to easily talk to one another whilst I was left alone staring in confusion. I’ve always struggled to find a voice. My therapist has told me I need to work on this. But I’ve also realized that for as long as I could remember my parents would always fight in front of my siblings and I. They’ve never been physical with one another but they’ve always been loud. I remember we would be in the car and my brother and sister would sit beside me while my mom and dad screamed at each other. Sometimes I would be numb to the noise but other times I found myself scared or intimidated. As I’ve grown up I’ve realized this is something that could have caused my loss of confidence. Again I love my parents and everything they do for me truly. My dad is an immigrant actually and even came from a poor, abusive household. I’m thankful for what I have but I can’t help but think how much better it would be if my parents genuinely loved each other. I always talk to my sister ( she’s my bestfriend almost ) about everything. She’s told me she always thought our parents would divorce. It hurts to know my siblings and I know well we live in a home with two strangers. There was even a time where my mom thought my dad was cheating on her and I only overheard because my mom was in tears. Because of this I can’t look at my dad the same anymore.

It could be dumb for me to say this is what troubling me when there’s larger issues like global warming, systematic racism, homelessness, etc but I can’t find myself to be happy anymore. The only thing stopping me from turning to unsafe coping mechanisms is friends and family’s experiences with mental health. The first time I ever found out what cutting was was in third grade because I found my bestfriends bloody safety scissors behind a bush. Throughout the years I’ve had friendships with people who struggled with self harm, eating disorders, body dysmorphia, anxiety and depression and it began all when I was in elementary school. I’ve struggled with finding true friendships since that time period considering my first ever friend group I was in I experienced gaslighting, manipulation, racism, fat-shaming, bullying, and more. 

When I was in 7th grade my brother began to struggle immensely with his mental health. He had been playing soccer since he was 5 and quit when he got into his junior year of highschool. At the same time he began to experience anxiety attacks and symptoms of depression. Kids would make comments about his behavior and the way he isolated himself. He would skip class to just sit in his car to cry. Once he was diagnosed he turned to abusing drugs to cope with his mental health. He would get aggressive sometimes and would tell my parents to fuck themselves and that they were pieces of shit to him. He would sneak out and come home at 2am drunk and high out of his mind behind the wheel. I would wake up to the smell of marijuana in my room in the middle of the night. It hurt to see him this way. I vividly remember the sound of his cry’s desperately pleading to my mom that he just wanted it all to “ go away.“ Hes 19 now and doing better but our relationship as a family hasn’t been the same since. For this reasons listed above I’ve tried to deal with my mental health the best I can.

I’m sorry for the very long texts and again this isn’t a pity dump of some sort I just wanted to write out my thoughts. I feel lost and alone and I don’t want to live like this anymore.