I have no one I can talk to - at all. No family or friends. And I've tried so hard to meet new people and build connections but my experiences have been so overwhelmingly negative it only made me feel worse about myself and my life. 

I don't know how true hermits do it. I want to feel okay with being so alone in the world but it's hard and scary. At the end, no one thinks about me or cares about me or would notice if I was dead. It doesn't feel free. It feels like pressure because every single thing I do is so important and I can't make mistakes or I set myself so far back. There's no one that cares enough I could even vent to. 

Theres a few times I've misread being polite for actual desire to talk to me and it hurts. Theres no therapy to fix this - I think when it gets this far, most people choose to end it. But I guess I keep misreading the situation and thinking maybe it can get better when my true trajectory is even worse than where I am now. 

All of the people who have sincerely treated me badly lived and continue to live better lives than I'll ever know. There is no inherent reward for doing good but being able to sleep soundly at night. In life, the people that harmed me will have been rewarded for doing so while I sit and rot, both barely surviving but never close enough to death. 

Everyday I wake up and think today will be the day someone will really try to reach out to me, maybe someone who's already known me and built the necessary empathy to do so now. I check my hidden and obscured inboxes periodically but there's never anything but spam and advertisers. 

Since I'm too weak to die, I'll build up my false hope again that tomorrow will be different and someone will really see me and care.