Hey everyone. So I was diagnosed with BPD at about 15 or so. I’m 25 now. *Unmedicated. Where I live there’s pretty much no mental health support (and where there is, it’s trash) so I’ve been struggling all these years to help myself in the best ways that I can.

Almost everything I know about this disorder has come from my own research on the internet, and support groups such as this one. Also, I guess, living with my deeply mentally ill brain, unable to escape, has come with some sort of insight. If not just that, I’m used to being like this, I suppose.
I have made progress (I mean, hey, I’m still alive) but there’s a lot of things that I still don’t know how to handle. My BPD has a very strong hold on me.
*More recently, I’ve been blessed with the chance to undergo weekly ketamine infusions. I’m on my 5th infusion, I think it may be helping. Maybe this mood is due in part because of the ketamine. I hope so.
I could go on, but I need some specific advice here.

Today I had the lovely opportunity to go on a beautiful hike in the Catskills (if you’re familiar), and it really boosted my mood.
Like I’m talkin’ dopamine all in this b*tch.
So I’m really riding this high all day (even now, relaxing at home), but every 30 mins or so I can’t help to start feeling suspicious. I NEVER feel this good for this long. 
Then I start getting scared of loosing this feeling. Anxiety sets in a little. I start waiting for that lovely *mood drop* to kick in and it doesn’t happen. More suspicion. But I’m still feeling happy which is sweet af of course.

So does anyone else experience this? If so, how do you handle it?
Is there a way I can experience just feeling good like a “normal” person? A way to be happy and just enjoy it with no fear? I am sad knowing that this won’t last forever. I hate nothing more than the fact that I don’t have control over my feelings and my stupid, broken, sh*t brain does. It’s really not fair, I wish I had control, because I sure as hell seem to know a much better way of feeling than my brain does.