It feels like my life has been always spiraling out of control despite a relatively successful upbringing. To preface, I completely understand that my problems are *my* problems, and some people on here have it infinitely worse than me - probably a bit of a privileged post tbh.

&amp;#x200B;

**High School**

In high school, I was an amazing student. I was Salutatorian in a class of 1000, and the only reason I wasn't Valedictorian was because I didn't want to give a cringe commencement speech, so I didn't take as many AP/college classes as I probably could have. On top of this, I was relatively athletic - I was one of the better players on my varsity volleyball and basketball teams. I never had any romantic relationships aside from some FWBs, but I didn't care to put in the effort because I was busy and I had my sights set on some pretty awesome dream schools for engineering. I didn't get into any of them - waitlisted at a few Ivies and top-tier engineering schools but I never heard anything past that. I admit my extra-curriculars lacked aside from the sports, as I spent most of my free time playing video games with my friends and spending IRL time with them. I ended up settling at a state school right by where I lived. It wasn't a terrible school, but definitely a major let down and the first time I truly experienced my dreams being crushed. 

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**College**

I didn't let this failure define me, and I had my sights set on new goals. I did the absolute best that I could at this school and ended up graduating as one of the top 10 students in my engineering class (3.95+ GPA). Not sure if it was ADHD or what, but I never paid attention - I just dicked around, played video games, and smoked a shit ton of weed. I hated putting in effort, but I would always study/do assignments to the best of my ability. I landing some decent internships at big companies, but I hated them. I couldn't get behind the idea of spending every day of my entire life going to work and putting in effort for 8 straight hours a day. I always struggled to pay attention to complicated shit that everyone around me understood pretty well, but like school, I would always bullshit something that ended up being pretty impressive (winning some research awards, being team leader, etc.).

In college, I also met my girlfriend. I spent almost every day with her and I loved it. She fell out of love with me about a year into our relationship and it crushed me, but we still hung out all the time because we didn't really have anyone else. It was practically like we were dating - we would have sex and do everything together. She knew I would still date her in a heartbeat - I would always hold out hope that she would want to officially date me again, she was my entire source of meaning and happiness. Towards the end of my college career, she caught feelings for my best friend and roommate. I tried to handle things maturely, but my emotions wouldn't really let me. I fell into a deep depression, and I would always get into physical fights with him until eventually he moved out, probably because it was just so uncomfortable. I was so alone - I lost the only two people I had in my life who I felt truly understood me. This was right before COVID, and I didn't know what to do. I hated myself for whatever aspect of my personality caused this, and yet again I was let down against my expectations of what I wanted my life to be. Once COVID happened, I moved back home and I was completely alone, even separated from the acquaintances I found solace in hanging out with from time to time. Give me all the shit you want for this, but I was still in love with my girlfriend. I knew that we weren't actually dating when these things happened, she made that clear, and she just thought she'd get away with whatever her heart was telling her at the time. After ending things with my ex-best friend, she fell into a similar state to me. During the summer of COVID, we rekindled our relationship and I reluctantly asked her to be my girlfriend. She was my best friend and I was at my lowest - idc what any of you say, she made me feel happy. In fact, I currently look back at that time as being the happiest I had ever been.

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**Work**

Like I said, I hated full-time work. I figured it could've just been the fields I had tried - as they were kind of sporadic. I decided to start working at a law firm after receiving a **very** generous employment offer - mostly based on my GPA as opposed to my experience. After graduating, I started remotely in the midst of COVID. I liked the things I would learn about at work, but the work fucking SUCKED. The job was extremely comfortable and flexible, and  I would just spend hours doing shit I didn't really understand and producing work that I knew wasn't great, but since I didn't really have the experience, I struggled to produce quality work at a reasonable pace. Still, I would get occasional praise and never got any constructive criticism, so I figured I was fine. 

After COVID subsided a bit, my girlfriend and I moved into an apartment. Again, I was so happy at this point. Work still sucked but I had gotten into a routine and I was able to spend so much time with someone I loved.

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**Now**

In January, my grandfather passed away. Relatively expected at his age, but it was really the first death that I dealt with on such a personal level. I had stopped smoking weed since moving into the apartment, but I struggled to deal with my emotions, so I started smoking again (***legal*** Delta8 cannabis) to numb the pain. I faced some medical scares (chest pain false alarms), and my motivation for work subsided significantly. While I would still do what was asked of me, less and less was asked of me, so I just kept doing fewer tasks. Around this time, my girlfriend again told me she lost feelings for me. I was insanely depressed, but I still felt like I had a decent career path ahead of me as long as I could keep coasting during my depression. 

Two months ago I got fired. The company wasn't doing well and I was the first on the chopping block. I still hold major contempt for them for not helping me through my struggles at all - not a single coworker reached out to me after it happened. I am at the lowest I've ever been and I've been let down fucking again. I don't want to work, I don't want to try, because everything ends up meaning nothing. I don't want to do fucking anything except what I want to do, which still feels like a cycle of short term dopamine rushes. 

After a couple weeks of continuing to self-medicate, stopped smoking weed, given that I would potentially need to take a drug test if I found a new job. Despite my relatively successful resume, after 2 months of constantly applying to jobs and interviewing almost every day, I JUST received my first offer, for 70% of what I was being paid before. I just learned that I have to take a drug test this week - after nearly 2 months I am somehow STILL pissing hot on home drug tests. At this point I am debating faking the test or just passing up on the offer and continuing to look for jobs while my system is cleaned out. While I wouldn't feel morally bad about faking it, considering I would fail for doing something ***COMPLETELY LEGAL,*** it is just so unfair that I have to risk getting caught doing something so unethical for no reason.

My anxiety has never been higher. My girlfriend doesn't love me, I got fired from a good job that gave me a decent career track, I'm actively losing all of my money, and I can't get back on track because of something that I responsibly stopped doing when I realized I needed to. I feel so alone, so lost, and so let down :(

At this point, I want to completely give up. I have no friends, no job, no future aspirations, no girlfriend, no passions, no discernable talents, no productive hobbies, and no will to live. The only reason I haven't killed myself is because it would crush my parents.

&amp;#x200B;

**TL;DR:**  I try so hard in life to be a good person and to live up to the expectations I set for myself, but I am just constantly met with let down after let down. Quoting a song that quickly became one of my favorites:

One day I am gonna grow wings /  
A chemical reaction /  
Hysterical and useless /  
Hysterical and / Let down and hanging around

Feels like whenever I get my hopes up about being happy, all of my dreams get ripped away from me :( If anyone has any advice please give me some. It feels like every day I'm inching closer and closer to ending it.