It was a few months ago now, but it won't leave my head. I know it was bad for me, I felt near constantly at a breaking point in my head with this person. I was yelled at, hit, manipulated, gaslit, and sexually assaulted by this person in a span of barely five months. But she was always so sweet whenever I they weren't hurting me, and for some reason those sweet/romantic moments are all my mind ever remembers about the relationship. 

They'd always encourage me to speak up and communicate more, cause I have a tendency to shut down when something's wrong, but whenever I would: they'd go on the defensive, reflect it back at me, claim innocence, or just promise change that wouldn't come. They'd ask me how I was feeling all sweet and sincere, and I'd tell them they didn't want to know. They'd force it out anyway, only to criticisize me for it. Once they forced me to admit my suicidal thoughts by acting caring, only to then shame and guilt me for putting that on them, when they asked. I remember her telling me to "just do it then." It took nearly a dozen breakups for me to finally shut them out of my life completely for a brief time, because every time they'd beg me to come back and I would. When I found out from their own best friend, who saw what was going on, that not only were they manipulating me (which apparently they were proud of when talking about it to their friends), but that they had been going behind my back and encouraging some of their former hookups to hit them up, I had enough. 

I cut them out entirely, a little after I went to an inpatient, but since then I've felt absolutely broken. I tried getting back in contact about a month later, cause the longing was getting desperate, and they've made it clear that they now hate me for cutting them out, believing someone else instead of them, and not trying harder. But I know I tried so hard to make it work, I know they were lying to me and using me, I know it was the healthiest thing for me to leave. So why do I still want them back, why do I still idly remember the happy times with them and not the bullshit, why do I fantasize and dream about reconciling with a person who hurt me this much? 

Over the past month I've been progressively getting worse I feel. I think ill end up in the hospital again soon. And every time I try to fill the void in my chest with someone new, it never feels as right as that did and I end up disappearing on them after a week. I feel broken and worthless, and im afraid it's never gonna get better. That the only person in the world for me was also the most destructive. I beat myself up for "ruining" things, but rationally I know it was what I was supposed to do.

Sorry for rambling.