I've rarely ever done anything outwardly unquestionably mean to anyone else. But I feel like I hurt ppl regularly and don't care enough. Like I'm constantly ruining any chance of a friendship with anyone bc I'm too self centered. At the same time I change way too much for others, I want to be liked, I'm so starved for human contact. I feel like a bad person for the things I said / didn't say. Like there's something wrong with me because i felt something I shouldn't have felt. This sounds incredibly neurotic and it is cause I am but I can't stop, I don't know how, it's my go to way if being. I even feel like an asshole because I can't stop. I'm really socially dumb, boring, stiff and humourless. I can't feel free to be myself. Tell me to be myself and you'll witness a mini identity crisis followed by some stolen wit. I've lost 9 years of my life in a self made hell, I'm afraid I'm too far gone and the recovery is so painful bc I'm always confronted with what I don't have, who I would have wished to be. And it's so difficult identifying everything I dont want to be or having my own freaking mind for things. I just want love but honestly nobody could care. I probably want some stupidly childish form of love anyway. Oh well this is getting deleted soon, I'm not comfortable sharing my psychological struggles with the world but hey its anonymous so it's okay, until I become paranoid.