I want to feel loved so bad, i really do. Sitting watching tv after a long day and she sleeps in my armpit, its the dream. 

Looking at my little sister who is just 1 year younger yet have been with the same guy since she was 17-18 with a dreamy relationship, makes me feel like such a loser.

Just thinking about the whole dating thing fucks me up, the jealousy, possesiveness, the addiction to the person, it makes me want to cry.

I am a 22 year old guy and i have asked a girl out 1 time, but the whole ordeal traumatized me so badly. I feel so unloveable, even in my fantasies i dont see how anyone can like me, 
especially when i dont like me. I feel like i never want to ask a girl out again.

I am not really sure what i look like tbh, mabey average at best? I dont have any confidence at all. I think i am ugly and fat, the only thing i got going for me is that i am 195cm/6'5 tall. But here is the thing, being tall is wayy fucking overrated and a tall guy with BPD is just scary. 

I feel inadequate to any equal age guy i meet due to me being ugly, not having any education, no irl friends and the lack of any romantic relationship. I have yet to get my first kiss. Its hard when you got no confidence and everything i have been told by girls is that girls like guys with great confidence. I can fake it at first mabey.

Its like a 2 edged sword. I want a girlfriend and to feel loved, yet i am not sure i can handle the jealousy and possesiveness and especially not dating as i am way to clingy.

Everyone i know tell me i am a nice person. My best friends girlfriend called me the nicest person she has ever met. The girl who rejected me said the same thing, that i was incredibly kind.  Mabey i am the kindof guy who would be a great boyfriend but sucks at the whole dating part, i dont know.

The only way i think i can get a girlfriend is if for some reason a girl likes me enough to approach me, but thats completely unrealistic as i am ugly and my personality is a mix mental illness and a reflection of them, and my passion is suicidal thoughts. Oh and the whole pooring my thoughts out uncontrolably and scaring them away c: 

Its weird knowing how stupid and irrational you are yet not able to do anything about it.

I browse r/relationship_advice a lot and it pisses me off. Some of those people are redicilous, wanting to break up over the most pettiest thing, not knowing how lucky they are that they have someone that loves them, while i sit here wishing i had somone too talk too, too listen too.

I think i am just going to spend my days chainsmoking and mabey get a Labrador who i am going to call Fidel, then when its time, suicide.


I had to vent. Bahh. Peace.