After the past year of failed romantic relationships, I realize how codependent I am. When I push my partners away, I become suicidal and quit my job. I lock myself in my room. I’ll call them hundreds of times until they block my number, then it’s to email or fake phone number apps. The pain I feel is terrible. The pain I cause my partners seems almost as bad, and because of that, I don’t want to let anyone else in. I shut out all of my friends. I have seen one person in six weeks, literally. I have had folks reach out, but I am paranoid. I’m paranoid that I’ll get comfortable, open up, and I’ll let them in on how terrible of a person I am. Or worse, I’ll hurt them too. 

Ive been lying in my bed for about five weeks since I quit my job. My back hurts, I’ve lost about ten lbs, I barely take care of myself, I don’t care about anything. I am in DBT and care to offer y’all support, but I don’t *do* anything for myself. I hate myself. I hate who I am. I hate who I’ve become. I hate my reputation. I hate this fucking city. I hate every breath I take. I hate this fucking stupid brain. I hate my stupid fucking voice. I hate it all. I just wish I could give it all to someone who deserves it.