like I've been visiting my family this week after isolating myself for months and dear god I want to be alone again. I hate being around people. There hasn't been any arguments or anything that triggered me I just want to be alone. I feel like I have no freedom because I can't do what I want when I want, I feel like a stranger in my family's house, I miss my home, and I've been so incredibly numb this week. this is me *wanting* to be alone and not be around other people, rather than *not* wanting to be alone but not be around other people.

do I just not experience fear of abandonment? and that question is giving me health anxiety bc even tho I'm diagnosed with BPD my anxiety is like... but what if you were *misdiagnosed.* like it's possible I'm either not recognising it, or my depression is overriding the BPD, or deliberately avoiding people to avoid being abandoned or some shit. but like. it doesn't sound typical for BPD to want to be alone all the time y'know?