As a child, I would cry myself to sleep when I was in darkness. The feeling of terror sometimes still overwhelms me. I have very strong irrational fears that I am struggling to get through and the night/sleep is still such a big one. 

My only remedy is the phone. There was a period in my life where only youtube helped because i'd hear people talk on there and I didn't feel alone. I'd wake up at 2 or 3 am every single night and have to stay awak until 4 or 5 because of my anxiety, wherein I feel like I'm dying/being watched. Every single goddamn time even now I'm so tired. Normal sleep is rare. 

I am so tired and I feel like I'll never have normal sleep. Sometimes I get terrified to sleep, like there are nights where I'm so anxious or have woken up just because, and when I try to go back to sleep I jump awake because the process is scary. 

I sleep with my full body under the blankets and covering my ears AT ALL TIMES no matter HOW HOT it gets and if I can get an eye mask oh man, my sleep is good because I'm not scared of seeing things at night. I am so scared of seeing things so irrationally because I have not seen anything. But my sleep has been so royally fucked my entire life because of this crippling fear. 

This reality feels normal. I have never felt safe. Safety is slim to none for me. 

My anxiety (or paranoia??) Has plauged me for so long... I'm so tired, why does this happen? Can anyone explain or even relate? So many other things that happen but this is just so grating, constant, every day... I hate how crippling my anxiety is :(