I've been in a few long term relationships. I'm only 23, but I've had four/five long term boyfriends since I was about 16. My past three relationships have been pretty tough. I've often picked crappy boyfriends over crappy friends. My relationships never seem to last longer than a year, and I usually find myself with weirdly, minimally abusive guys. 

I don't know if it's because of me, my choice in men or some other factor that constantly makes me unhappy and unsatisfied in relationships. I know BPD has a lot to do with my own behavior in the relationship and I wont deny having communication issues, but I never consider myself abusive or manipulative towards my parters. But I've been treated poorly in my past three relationships. 

I feel like being hypersensitive to people's actions and words has made me in some way a target to be messed with. I've always expressed my dislike for certain behaviors and have been honest with it, but it never gets further than that. I still get treated poorly. 

I'm in a relationship now, that is really complicated and I feel like I'm being gaslighted. I'm scared to move forward, I don't want to be alone, and I do love my boyfriend, I'm just tired of this. I'm tired of these guys not being sympathetic or empathetic, and being walked all over by them. 

Not all guys are idiots. Which makes me think I am the issue. I allow for people to treat me this way because I take everything in, and it rarely comes out. I just take it and take it until I feel like I'm crazy, and become crazy around the time we breakup. 

I want things to be different, but from all of my past experience, there doesn't seem like there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm either destined to be alone forever or miserable in my relationships. 