Everyday I'm here on reddit reading posts from different subs about mental and personality disorders , traumatic experiences and general views about society in an attempt to find what is wrong with me but also to feel less alone, that there are people out there who share the same thoughts with me. I'm so obsessed that I have a bunch of  unfinished posts, a few that are finished and everyday I think something new I want to write here.

When I'm not on reddit I will just watch trashy reality shows and I will read comments about them on social media. But I don't do it to relax. It's actually very triggering because sometimes I see myself in some of the participants and I get angry with how others treat them. I get so consumed in this that I will search like a maniac for comments in order to find validation for my opinion. And also I will watch many commentator videos who made fun of them but I never really laugh I end up feeling depressed and more angry than before.

In the meantime I neglect my real problems. I neglect the fact that I struggle very hard with my anxiety and ocd and I have to get dressed every night and go out and after sitting in the car for some hours because I think that something bad is going to happen but in reality I just want to torture myself.

I don't sleep well, I have pains on my kidneys, I have many ibs problems and my skin is in a very bad condition especially my skin around my mouth it has starting to dry completely. I have to clean my room more that a year and I take my clothes from a basket because I don't put them in their drawers. I have stop all the hobbies, reading books, bullet journaling etc and I never let myself be relaxed. I force myself eating fast food because I have created this toxic program.

To explain it clear I sleep at 12 pm, I wake up at 9 pm after many hours of interupted sleep, I eat something, I drink a coffee and I go out for walking. I take something to eat and at 1 am my mom comes and we return back because we have lockdown. Then I sit in the car until 4 am or more I go home, I eat something and spent all the hours until my sleep on my phone. And this is my life pretty much for a year now. I had better hours in the past because we had stricter lockdown but pretty much I did the same things. 

It began as a way to cope with my panic attacks during lockdown because I felt so isolated and trapped in my house and I couldn't do anything else and it ended up as a torture, a never ending loop I can't get out off it.

I know that many people suffer and feeling like they just exist but at least they don't harm theirselves intentionally. They may spent all day in bed or on pc and not taking care of theirselves but in my eyes this seem more nurturing of what I do. I force myself to do something I don't really want while I'm tired,I hurt both mentally and psychically and want actually to do something different. It's not that I don't want to clean my room or read my books, I feel deep inside that I don't deserve it or the situation will end up worse. 

I try to find the answers on why I'm like this, is my personality, my traumatic experiences and why I live all these things, they were meant to be or not and I bombarded my mind with million different concepts and questions on why I do the x, y, z and if it's normal. I ditch myself for being judgmental for other's or being a prude, I wonder if I'm narcissist or if I have bpd and why I do so many stupid compulsions to predict the future when in the meantime I barely exist and I don't give myself a moment to do something nice for me. Watching TV and food are not what I really want. I want to go for shopping, decorate my room, read a book and drink a hot chocolate, sleeping more. To have a little good time not something extravagant. 

But the problem is that part of the reason I end up in this situation was that I had this lifestyle before. I was isolated most of the times with my books and my hobbies, only going out with my parents to fill the void with shopping and food, sleeping all day and avoiding life. In people's eyes I wpukd appear as lazy and spoiled and I let their opinions affect while the truth was different. Because these people never understood how deeply traumatized I'm and how much I struggle even for daily stuff. And I never had anyone to support me, I start to realize it this year. I thought that my parents at least cared for me but they just enable this situation because they don't want to deal with my anger. 

You will tell me to go to a therapist. To be honest I don't want to go again for 7 years I tried to find one decend person to speak but I never felt understood and the only pushed medication to me. Through these months beside my struggling I have done so much introspection and I have realize so many aspects of myself and the deep roots of my problems when all these professionals never helped me to see. 

But let's say that I wanted actually to go. How? I have created this complex situation that doesn't really let me to make any other step. Who is gonna accept to see me in the middle of the night? And don't tell me to go to a hospital because I don't live in a country where mental health is taken so seriously to know how to deal with emergency situation. If I go to the hospital they will give a Xanax and they will send me home. 

I read what I have wrote and again I get out of the topic. I feel like I'm a woman who is in an abusive relationship totally dependent to her abuser and instead for searching a way to break out of her situation she worries if she has an internalized misogyny, if she is racist, if she has adhd and feel bad about her weight. Which all of these themes are important but how she will address them when she is in such a toxic environment? 

I get anxious and angry with so many irrelevant things while I ignore the real problem in my life right now. Maybe I do it intensionally because I'm afraid that if I try to take a step forward I will hurt again but keeping me on the edge and expecting a miracle doesn't lead anywhere. I know that sometimes I try to force myself to death but is not what I really want to do. I'm just so overwhelmed all the time and I never learned how to pace myself, I had so many traumatizing experiences through my life and I'm so mean and angry with people in my mind but in reality I hate myself.