 I (M35) found out last year I have BPD.  I thought I would share my story to show how it can effect someone perceived as high functioning, how I went from the top, to rock bottom and then some, suffered addiction, depression and suicide ideation and my journey back to health.  


I worked from age 19-33 for the Police where I was a Detective and Detective Sergeant.  I was a qualified Detective at age 25 and Detective Sergeant at age 27.  


I always knew I was different to others from childhood.  I got emotional in movies, news items and documentaries, could pick up easily if someone was in pain and was freakishly intuitive when it came to investigating and finding people who were wanted by Police, I was always in the right place at the right time.  Despite all this, I could easily hold in any emotion at work.  I could be empathetic but not become emotional.  


My job gave me the ideal platform to receive the constant validation I was unconsciously seeking.  It also unintentionally gave me and identity - a cop.  


Deep down I was depressed and masked it through an addiction to work.  I felt times of extreme energy and times I just wanted to stay inside and never come out of my room, closing off to the world.  


I had a wide circle of friends who would be perceived from the outside as “cool and successful” although was close to none of them.  These people also weren’t cool at all.  


I ignored my own needs and always put the needs of work and others in my life first.  Boundaries didn’t exist, I would always answer a call for unpaid extra time at work and friends who needed help.  Whether it was moving, emotional support, money - you name it and would have been it.  


I unconsciously used people pleasing and being useful as the basis for relationships.   


And anytime I got close to reflecting on this, and coming to any realisation about the people around me there was the next urgent case at work requiring me to jump into work, and a dangling carrot of validation attached to this.  I would always chase it.  


The work was also exciting, all consuming and masked many of my symptoms ;  


\- for example impulsive behaviour - I could drive fast and confront people,   
\-validation seeking - working hard to catch someone and solve a case.   


All of this was wrapped up in my addiction to work and avoiding being in my own head, and all behaviours were seen by colleagues as positives, not the hallmark symptoms of someone mentally ill.   


In my last two years in the Police two of my friends were shot, and one committed suicide.  I was charged with a minor offence due to my driving in a work matter in open Court, which after a year of Court appearances I was cleared.  The stress from these events never left me though.   


The stress interfered with my sleep and I lost my connection and sense of identity with the Police.  I also started a secondary business which further helped to stay busy.  It also meant I had a large amount of disposable income.  And fuck did I dispose of it.  


I was a social butterfly, although each group saw a different version of me.  One group used drugs recreationally.  I had always started away from drugs, but with my dismissive attachment style I now know of, my perception of being wronged by work made me “burn the city”.  


I started using MDMA occasionally in the weekends, which grew from once a month, to every weekend.  I want to make it clear that using drugs was very wrong in my position.  I did not work on drug cases, or involve myself in any type of drug work or with drug criminals in the Police at this time.  And I knew I would eventually be found out - I just hated life and didn’t care so much.  


I live in a city where fortunately the government and Police are not seen as corrupt, and it wasn’t long before my drug use was noticed, reported and I was forced to resign.  


I was 33 and suddenly everything that I thought I knew was gone.  Every bit of structure that was unintentionally keeping my Mental health at bay was gone.  I also had access to all my superannuation money, which made things even worse - unregulated, depressed, ashamed, unstructured and no need to work and plenty of money to spend.  


I tried to stop using drugs, sometimes I was successful for 3 months, but always going back.  My drug use went from using MDMA to now preferring cocaine in a country where it costs four times the amount as it does in the USA.   


Mixed with drug use was alcohol.  I just wanted to escape the pain and reality of my now life.  I was seriously suicidal and very nearly hung myself.  I still don’t exactly know what stopped me.  


The people who were my friends didn’t even care or judge, they knew I still had money and used drugs so encouraged me to stay the way I was.  It felt like my house had burnt down to the ground but they were still there to see if there was any buried treasure beneath it.  


I soon got a new professional well paying job, but lost it soon after for DUI.  Every bit of help I sought was only done half heartedly.  I was convinced by my parents my behaviour was a result of bad decisions and bad influences and I could easily put that to one side.  They would point to my achievements throughout life to prove to me why.  


After losing my job for a second time I sold my house and moved cities.  I didn’t do this to run away from my problems, but I knew I was really struggling with drugs and I wanted to break free of the connections I had.  I knew that I would get sucked back in or suck myself back in.  


After moving I took the time to reflect, and look inwards and start to take responsibility.  I found a great psychologist who didn’t suffer fools.  I committed to getting sober and wanting to find the route of my problems.  


I learnt that I had serious attachment issues (dismissive) and was emotionally dysregulated stemming from neglect and invalidation as a child and adult.  I had learnt that my worth from a long age was achievements and doing things for others, rather than to look after myself first.  I had repeated the cycle of this way too often.  


Some people in my life had really used me and wronged me, including my parents, and I was too naive to see it.  I had never set boundaries or expressed needs to people.  I never even called people out for treating me like shit, yet I loyally came to the aid of any friend being treated like shit by anyone.  


On learning about emotional regulation  everything started making sense.  It was crazy.  I had never valued myself, and thought I was only ever valuable to people if I was helping them, providing for them or completely ignoring my own needs.  I didn’t hate myself but I certainly didn’t show myself any love.  


I needed time to process and work through everything so I began walking 2,3 or 4 hours a day, eating clean and exercising.  I stopped drinking and using drugs, and for the first time in a long time began setting goals and being excited for the future.  


In regards to learning about BPD I read books, listened to audiobooks and watched YouTube clips.  I began journaling with a focused effort on the positive things in my life.  


Not long after losing my job in the Police I met my now fiancé.  She stuck by my side the whole way.  She has seen me at my best and been on the other side of me at my worst.  While with her I learnt what love truely means.   


I always had this romanticised version of ideal love, one of where all your needs are met, you don’t have to do the work and everything is great all the time.  I could do no wrong in this version.  While I am grateful to experience amazing attraction and chemistry with her, I feel I have grown a lot from my old version.   


I now know love is about showing safety, consistency and growing together through tough times.  It’s about supporting each other’s interests and goals 100% and compromise.  It’s about not giving up at hurdles and working to get through them.  I reflect on myself more and more.  I am grateful that she supports me and all my crazy ideas.  The first time I’ve experienced validation in a healthy way ever.  


My road to recovery has seen me starting to write poetry most days.  I found it very therapeutic, and a healthy way to express my emotions about various things that have happened throughout life.  


Since the clouds have cleared I now run my own business and study full time by distance.  I live in a beautiful part of the world and earn enough money to live in an apartment and do some of the things I want.  


I still really struggle at times, and while I have painted things as looking good, the reality is I have a lot of demons, and they are at bay.  


I am still tempted by drugs - sometimes I feel the urge is similar to running a marathon and then standing by a buffet trying not to eat.  But I had to not stop doing drugs, but break up with them.  I know this will be something I have to stay on top of forever.  


I still mess up in communicating with my fiancé.  I find it hard at times to navigate through conflict and to settle myself.  I get intrusive thoughts that I am not worthy or that she is going to leave me any time I can sense conflict.  I work hard now when I feel these things by thinking the opposite, and communicating what I am feeling and what I am doing to reduce the effects.  I feel incredibly guilty about the times I have been hard to be around, or my mind has tricked me that something is fact rather than a fear of mine.  


I get increasingly down on myself and all the failures I’ve made, from a start to life many can only dream of.  I sometimes feel suicidal, but this is more of a glancing thought rather than ideation.  


I have trauma I have ignored for 28 years of my life now surfacing and needing to be addressed and resolved.  This can at times make me upset, angry and feeling helpless and not knowing what to do.  


I’ve got rock bottom and gone through the trap door below it many times over.  I feel I am finally climbing out.  I know I need to work everyday to continue like this.  


While BPD can at times be crippling, the intuition I get, and feeling emotions when I am regulated and safe is an absolute gift.  I have tried and failed 10 times over, I am still here trying because it is worth it, and I know it is possible to get better and live an enjoyable life.  


I certainly have regrets and am deeply ashamed of everything I have done.  If I hadn’t done it, I could have easily coasted through life addicted to work without truely experiencing the precious connections life has to offer.  And I would have passed this same pattern of behaviour on.  


My journey has taken me from having what alot dream of, and to the very bottom and then through the trap door below.  Because of my job my mistakes have always been well known by everyone and aired publicly.  


For all those struggling, hold on.  It gets better.  I was nearly dead and I feel better today than I did yesterday.  I know it’s a long road ahead but a worthy one.  


To all of those struggling that didn’t have the luxury of the resources available to me, I sincerely empathise with you.  I know it’s hard and feels paralysing at times.  My partner is working hard to provide accessible resources to everyone for free here (R/BPDover25) as a place to start.  You are not alone and worthy of love.