CW: VENT &amp; MENTIONS OF SEX

I apologize in advice for the scrambled writing throughout this post. I am awful at expressing myself, and this is the first time I have  come out of my shell since I was diagnosed with BPD after a major suicidal induced hospitalization. I am a minor, so under Florida law I was 'Baker-Acted'. For those of you who don't know, it is essentially an emergency mental health service and temporary hospitalization for people who are impaired because of their mental illness, and who are unable to determine their needs for treatment. In other words, I was baker-acted after dialing 911 during a suicidal outburst which lasted about 30-45 minutes, and another 2 hours of waiting for the police to decide whether or not I fit the criteria of being hospitalized. Long story short, I was. This wasn't the first time I was hospitalized, or 'baker-acted' though. Upon my second visit, they have you take a covid test, print your hospital band, take your personal belongings, skin assessments, etc. But something that took me by surprise was when I spoke to the same psychiatrist. I was brought into a room with a computer, set up virtually through an application like zoom with a psychiatrist. During our conversation he started with basic questions about why I had been admitted, current symptoms, etc. He was asking me questions that seemed to fit criteria of bipolar symptoms, like mood swings and mania. Me, being the smart ass I am, I laughed at him and said something along the lines of "I don't really think I am bipolar, if thats what you're evaluating me for." His reply was something like, "We think you are Borderline, rather." Well.. Ok. I took it with a grain of salt, because it was my first 45 minutes in the facility, after my first uneventful visit.  
You might be wondering what I mean by 'uneventful'. After a depressive episode, like the suicidal one I had that night; I become very numb, or I am completely fine. You can imagine how being hospitalized for a minimum of 3 days is brain numbingly boring when you don't really have any suicidal ideation, or self harm urges. When you are there you sit for an unknown amount of time between minutes or hours, while they find you a room in what is called the pediatrics unit. This was so I could be placed with other minors such as myself. Once you are there, the unit is a big room with a main lobby and chairs, and down the hallway is 6 or 7 bedrooms. Each had 2 bed, and you were assigned a roommate. You are given what is called a 'beacon'. This is a Bluetooth device so they can check on you every 15 minutes, through the day and night. When they attached it to me, they insisted that it "Is NOT a tracker, and anyone who tells me its a tracker is lying."   
The first time I was hospitalized, I went in after I had ruined a 2 year relationship with my girlfriend. Selfishly, I was extremely emotional after realizing what I had thrown away, how I had hurt the others around me, and acknowledging my inability to fix it. I can't quite grasp the fact that people are allowed to not forgive me. I also struggle with comprehending the amount of pain I put others in. I am a manipulative person, the product of cheating was manipulation. The girl was a friend of mine, I cared for her as a friend.. and I couldn't help but see how far I could string it along. Long story short, I manipulated another girl into getting into a FWB type situation with me, all whilst I was in a long term relationship. I had sex with her, exchanged photos and sexted. I regret all of it, not only for the fact I used her for my own gain, but her and my long term partner both being hurt in the process. The two of them got into contact, and my long term partner found out about it. Ghosted me for a couple days after I had forgotten our 2 year anniversary, and finally told me it was over. Blocked me on everything, I ended up emailing her after completely breaking down crying to her not to leave me on just about everything, until as said before, she blocked me. I expected HER to comfort ME, knowing I was the piece of shit. I was bawling knowing what I had done, self hating and unable to process what was going on around me. Why? It was fun in the moment, but now I regret it. How could I be so stupid? I truly care about her, and I have been given what seems like a second chance with her, but she is also very mentally ill and I don't really know what to do. With many strings attached, she said she would get back with me. I think we are trying to forget about it and move forward together as a couple; which I think is healthy and good for us. I just cant help but feel haunted by the girl I cheated on her with. She would be happy to hear that, to just generally hear about me in pain, and I don't blame her. If I could send a message out to the universe to tell her something personally, I would tell her I am sorry.  \*\*\*, I am sorry.

TLDR: I was recently diagnosed with BPD at the end of my hospitalization, although I didn't get to that in the end of my writing. I have also been prescribed with Lexapro, and I don't really feel much. I'm not really sure why I am even posting, I don't know what I even want to hear in the replies. I don't even know what to tell myself. I think I just need to talk to others about all of this, and get some kind of advice. I also am starting DBT therapy soon. Sorry for the long read. Thank you. -Grayson