I feel like the universe is having a laugh at me. For months I mentioned to family members how I had only two friends.  I suppose i did this for a few reasons. One to make clear my lack of a social life but also stress that I don’t have the friends I wish or thought I did. Now one has moved continents and the other I learned today is moving several hundred miles away in mere weeks. So now I’m down to none. In the time leading up to these departures I distanced myself from my fp who already is geographically different and having what seems to be a splendid life with a new “easier” girlfriend. I was beginning to think I would avoid looking for a partner because heartbreak was too high a risk and now I’m feeling similarly about friends. Why seek out friendships of everyone is going to abandon you anyway. It just is starting to feel like the perfect moment to figure out a way to self sufficient and just do the whole Walden thing and head for seclusion. I don’t know exactly what makes me happy beyond art and food but I just don’t feel connected to the world nor that anyone needs me to be. There’s always a replacement. And there’s always an opportunity to leave people behind. I’m just kind of sad because the already scant numbers of connections have dwindled to one person I semi trust but they’re moving away. I feel off. Confusion has been ever present every morning and many moments throughout the days for months. I don’t have a concept of purpose. all I feel is society’s expected purpose which is to work, pay taxes, pay bills, not be a burden. I don’t know what I’m doing or if I can discover a goal. I don’t know why I’m doing it. I’m burdened to stay close to family to “make sure all is going fine” but that restricts me from being able to feel I deserve to want anything that takes me away from family. But let’s not kid ourselves. I haven’t felt I deserved anything in maybe 3 years or more. 