47 y/o male. Divorced. In stable relationship now - finally.  

While visiting my parents this weekend, I opened a box which contained painful memories. One was so many letters and cute things from my courtship with my ex-wife and mother of my child. I’ve been able to come to a place where I don’t fully blame myself for the end of my marriage. I get that it was both of us, only I did the acting out. Of course.

What is more painful tonight is that my mom kept every letter my college ex girlfriend wrote me. Reading back, it’s so easy to see the pure love she had that was so hard to see then. She was also the one who took the most emotional abuse, when I was at worst and had absolutely zero self-awareness. All these letters and pics showed a genuinely good person who did not deserve any of what I subjected her to, and that is difficult.

It’s been over 20 years. I since had a 14 year marriage which ended, have a ten year-old son, fell hard, and have gotten up. I have my pain, but I now manage myself better than ever. I have a partner of three years I treat well. I just feel for this woman who so clearly loved me, but got the worst of me, tonight.

We last had contact in about 2005 or 2006. It was still loving and caring, inquiring about each other’s friends and families. I know she has three kids and a good life.I tried an FB message about eight years go which was never read - no assumptions made. I want to say how sorry I am. She loved me so goddamn much, but I also don’t see the use.  The right thing is to cherish what I have and not repeat this a third time in my life.