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**TL;DR at the end, because I know I'm ranting here and a good 25% of it is likely nonsensical.**

Hey! First post. So, I'm a pretty young gal over here and I've been struggling with anxiety my whole life (clinically diagnosed GAD 6 years ago) and depression (misdiagnosed as bipolar NOS for a while) since I was about 12. Since initially receiving treatment as a 14-year-old, I've been on and off various medications.

Now, I've been on Lexapro for 3 years, and it has been. Fine? It's been fine. It did the job, maybe. I don't know. Even just a few months after I started, I was still very regularly anxious/depressed, but in about June of last year it got especially \~spicy\~ in that I did not experience the typical recovery I go through after about 1 month of feeling really shitty. Nah. Instead, my moods were a-goin' up and down, but, like, with a steadily declining average. Even when I went up to the maximum dosage of Lexapro (which, by the way, DRASTICALLY decreased the occurrences of my migraines—but depression and anxiety? No, sirree, them puppies stuck around). So by the time November came around I was about ready to take time off from university, which is kind of *very* unlike me. I was just so tired, and I felt like I didn't know myself anymore.

In comes Lamotrigine: which, from what I was told, has been a sort of fringe treatment for some unresponsive anxiety disorders. I started on it while school was out. Immediately felt better. Continued feeling better into the start of this spring semester(good 1.5 to 2-month period), even in the face of some family stuff. Then I had a couple of days of despondence but overall still good, overall still doing well, feeling happy. Then: a week or two (can't remember) where I sleep a lot and I can't seem to grasp the consequence of missing class, or missing assignments; bare minimum, crawling along sort of jazz. But whatever. Wait for it to pass. I feel fine. Well, I feel exhausted. I feel empty. I don't feel... good, but not bad. I chalk it up to exhaustion. But then why isn't everyone else missing class all the time? Sleeping through all their alarms? (The source of my problems is that I ask too many useless questions.) A couple of days ago it occurred to me that I might be depressed?? 

Also, I may have had my first panic attack? I've had many experiences where my vision goes wonky, extremities tingling, can't control my breathing or crying, etc.—but this most recent experience was entirely unprecedented. I'm still not even sure it was a panic attack. I went blind for a couple of minutes (like, actually visionless—everything I was looking at sort of turned pins and needles and then prickled into the same nothing-color). I couldn't breathe. I had also *just* ten minutes before injured myself badly enough that I couldn't move my neck or left arm without incredible pain (s'all good now, I went to the doctor, it was a pulled muscle in my neck). And I had this weird hot flash. Basically, I thought I was dying of either a stroke (big fear of mine) or a heart attack or idk. 

Which brings up some questions. Because:

1) If I was dying, am I going to almost-die again? Or will I just die? Why does this concern me so little? Oh, right. Because I don't believe I *am* dying. This question is a false one. I'm kidding myself. It seems like a more legitimate thing to be afraid of, so I am listing it here as if I consider it a genuine possibility. Nah. I'm just trying to distract y'all (and myself) from what I really think, which is that:

2) It was, in fact, a panic attack (as a doctor advised me—I was a little worried I'd, like, pinched a very vital nerve or had a transient ischemic attack or something). So, why? I wasn't particularly worried about anything—that was kind of the whole issue, is that I didn't care enough about anything and because of that I kept missing class. So how could this be panic? And if it *was* panic—do I get those now? Am I going to get it again? Would I be mad if I got it again? Part of me wants it, because if I have such a visceral symptom, my anxiety will look more real to people *(PSA: I know this is not necessarily true, pls don't come at me!!!*), and it will remind me of how much I want to be alive... But how can I wish for something so awful? Some people have to live with this condition chronically, and here, I want to indulge in the thought as if real, dire panic could be considered a viable form of escapism... Jesus....

I could go on like that forever and you would all die groaning and clutching your ears, begging at my feet for me to finally, *please*, stop *talking,* but if I have to suffer so do you, so :) 

Those disturbing thoughts aside: this Untitled-Panic event, combined with my general apathy/exhausting, combined with the overall apocalyptic mood pervading my (soon to be empty) campus, has placed me into a gentle stranglehold, the likes of which I am unfortunately *very* familiar with. Ah, yes. That good ol' slide into the depths of eternal panic. Given the downward trend of the last couple weeks, I think I can expect at least a couple more days of upsetti-spaghetti. 

In a few days or a week or maybe two, I'll get "better" (sounds fake), but before then I will get who-knows-how worse. I know the pattern well enough. I know I'm tunnel visioning, wearin' my horse blinders. (Inverse horse-blinders? So that I can only see blurry periphery and everything else has vanished?). So I can't think about anything but my own agony, my own terror/desire at the idea that I will never recover. It will just be like this, forever, for the next ten years, so I'm left with some grim choices on how to proceed. I won't outline the choices because I realize it will only exacerbate my panic (*genuine shout-out to myself for refraining from engaging in a destructive thought-spiral!!*). 

I know this is my worm brain doing her little worm whispers. But I would like a reminder that it does get better, even for those of us with chronic conditions that make at least 50% of our lives very hard to live. I don't want to lower myself into the depths only to get yanked out again, so on and so on, for eternity. Will I keep having to do this? How do I maintain the energy? How do I keep from losing hope? 

**TL;DR: after years of struggling with the same cycle of wanting to die one week and loving life the next, I am having a lot of trouble maintaining hope in any sort of recovery. Anyone have any tips?**

# Also, sorry y'all, it's likely a rough time for all of us, what with the pandemic and all. :( I hope everyone is safe and healthy!!!! &lt;3