It feels like I can’t get out of my head. My thoughts control me and I know I’m not my own thoughts it feels like I have to work for my thoughts. My head is always racing. Im tired of my black and white thinking. My thoughts are very intense and it’s really affecting on how I act. I feel like everything I do is kind of a cry for help. Im at a point where I want to change and be better but I feel so lost and I don’t want to hurt anyone around me. I feel like im constantly in my head and can’t focus on my tasks. But when I focus on my tasks, I get overwhelmed with my own thoughts. It’s a constant cycle that drains me and im surprised im so use to it. I’ve realized I don’t hate myself I hate the way I think. Everything around me im so beyond grateful for and everything around me is great. But why do I feel so sad all the time. It’s hard to maintain myself mentally and emotionally. Physically im fine. I eat healthy, I go on walks, it’s just my brain. I’ve managed to regulate my happiness,sadness but not my anger. I feel so stuck with everything. I have identity issues every week. I lose interest quickly in hobbies. I wish I can stick on one thing. When im angry im a whole different person. That’s what I can’t control. Im aware that I can’t have full control of my emotions, but im off the rails when im angry. I feel like the hulk. I always cry and get so ashamed whenever I get angry it makes me feel so ashamed and I just isolate myself for a day. I want to change. I’m going to change. I feel like I expect change to happen in a day. I know that’s not the case. It’s a trial and error. Everything is going to be okay. As much progress I’ve made I need to do more. Sometimes I wake up and think I’m a completely different person than I am yesterday and then I feel like I am the same person when I was when I was 16 or even 18. It lasts for days sometimes. It took me years to figure out that I don’t hate myself. I hate the way I think. I’ve always been so hard on myself. And sometimes I don’t even think because I’m so use to being hard on myself that I think it’s okay. I love my brain for it’s amazing Philosophy and trying to figure out how the universe works but I hate the way I think of myself. It’s like I’m two different people in my head and I’m fighting all day long with myself. It’s like having an argument about yourself 24/7. It hurts me so much because I’ve harmed by self and the people around me because of my thoughts. I know I’m not my thoughts and I don’t have to act on them but it feels mandatory. I hate the way I feel like I push people away when that’s what I don’t want. I just want a deep connection with someone to share this with and not feel judged. I feel like the way I think is wrong and no one should ever feel like this, but here I am feeling like this all the time. Some days it’s easy and others i can’t get out of bed. I’m not even living I’m exiting in my thoughts constantly. Ever since I’ve been getting help everyone around me made me realize this is not normal and I should be going through this. But I do. I can’t stop or help myself right now. I have everything I want and I’m grateful for everyone around me who is so loving it cares enough to help me but I feel like I don’t deserve it. But then I feel like I do deserve everything because it would make me feel better about the the way I think. I don’t like the way I cant regulate my emotions. It makes me so exhausted. I am certain I will not feel like this forever, I am certain things will work out, I am certain I will change for the better. Not overnight But overtime.  the meds and therapy help but sometimes I feel like it’s not going to work out. I know it will always work out because I want the help , it’s just the fact that I feel hopeless sometimes.