Finding out I had BPD was one of the most eye opening things that ever happened to me. My entire life I’ve felt “unlikeable”. I don’t (and I have never) had a group of best friends or even really good friends. I consider myself a loner. I’ve always envied other girls and their abilities to just get along with people. Sometimes I wonder is it my resting bitch face? Is it my personality? Am I ugly? Am I fat? Am I too uptight? 

I’ve had boyfriends pretty much constantly since my junior year of high school. I consider them my best friends and became emotionally dependent on them for a while. I’m moving in with my current boyfriend come July and I don’t know whether it will be good or bad for my BPD. I think it’s a relatively healthy relationship seeing as he is so supportive but there are times I feel like he’s the only person who likes me. 

I’m the maid of honor in my only real best friend’s wedding and even sometimes when I’m with her I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel totally disconnected from others. I get along with the guys I work with and even hang out with them outside of work. The only issue is I’m usually really drunk when I’m out with them. So basically...I don’t feel like I have social skills unless I’m intoxicated. 

I don’t have any hobbies that guys like and I don’t have a lot in common with other girls. I’ve basically become a “bro” since starting at my new job this year and I feel like it’s making it even harder to make friends with girls. It’s so difficult to try and make friends it’s almost debilitating. My boyfriend has a ton of friends who really love him and it makes me wish I had friends even more.  I have this irrational fear that no one actually likes me and they all put on a front because they feel bad for me. 

What do you guys do in your free time when you’re alone with your thoughts and don’t really enjoy anything other than watching TV? How do you make friends without being or feeling awkward? Is this common amongst people who have BPD?