tw suicide, self harm

two months since we’ve broken up. im holding onto the date - October 6th. you know, for the first couple of weeks, I’d sworn up and down I didn’t see our breakup coming. and I legitimately think it was because I’d have done anything to work it out. but I think I did see it coming, or at least knew it was getting worse, and I wasn’t *actually* doing everything in my abilities to work it out. I was barely doing the minimum. 

i am not here to only beat myself up, bcos I just got out of the hospital about a week ago. i had a suicide attempt and have relapsed into self harming. 

I’m kind of in a dream state, it’s the middle of the night where i live and I can’t sleep - i just need to write to get my mind off things. I learned a ton from this relationship, but i still kind of wish i never did it. I’m taking all the help I can get, while still doing my best to be smarter and independent, and trying to accept where i am right now.

i feel like I’m missing out on my life and I’m loving someone else’s.