This is mainly a vent post, but because I mention a couple of things I've flaired it as CW.

I feel insane, I can't decide how I feel, I can't decide on anything. One moment it's "hey we should buy a fuck ton of clothes" and the next is me completely berating myself because of how horrible I am.

College is keeping me busy sorta but when I get home it kicks into full gear

I instantly want to cut repeatedly or do something severe to myself whenever a stressful situation happens. My mind instantly reaches to hurting myself as a coping mechanism. Maybe it's cause I deserve it? Right now even, I'm incredibly suicidal, I hate it, but I won't go through with it because I think I'm just seeking attention and nothing is actually wrong with me.

I keep ruining my relationship with my best friend, she must think I'm attention seeking, am I? Who knows. She got mad at me tonight, I don't blame her, I'm not a great guy, and I doubt I ever will be. She should find someone better than me, not very hard to do. She hates me.

I'm really sick of feeling like this, I'd like to go to therapy but there are no therapists around here from the research I've done, so I'm stuck spiraling out of control for a while it seems.