I’ve rewritten this a couple times trying not to over share but basically I’ve had multiple triggers happen within the same time period. Uni piling up, being in a place with a lockdown and curfew of 8pm where it’s illegal to see anyone besides a bf/gf (which I do not have), a family member dying and being told we’ll have to watch his funeral on live stream, consoling all my family members through it who were closer to him than I was over the phone, cutting off an abusive best friend and all of a sudden last night I just snapped like I haven’t in years.

I’ve been trying my best to stay optimistic with everything even though I study film and were unable to film anything because of restrictions so it’s just been redundant assignments to tick a box rather than doing anything I’m passionate about. I’m terrified all the friendships I was making will be gone by the time lockdown is over (if it ever does at this rate), how my mental and physical health is going to be.

The whole lockdown I’ve been working out, eating healthy and doing anything I could to not go back to a dark place. But last night it all got too much and I got a bottle of vodka and just drank and drank wishing I had drugs again, luckily I don’t have any on hand. For the first time in at least a year I considered self harm again and kept picturing it in my head (I didn’t go through with it) but it’s been a long time since I’ve been that bad. It’s like I just completely snapped and wanted to go back to everything I knew to make it all stop.

I’ve woken up today and I don’t feel much better and I’m just wondering if anyone knows any tips on how to pull yourself out of a dark episode before it gets worse than it already is, I’m scared I’m going to go insane.