I got put on antidepressants recently and they've been working well for the most part. I have been a lot better, no suicidal ideation, self harm is gone, just doing better overall!

Last night i asked my Doctor how long will i have to take them for? He says a minimum of 1.5 years, including the time it'll take to wean off the meds. However, if i relapse, the duration will have to be increased to 3 years, 5 years and even lifetime.

I assumed I'll have to take meds for a couple months max. I even started doing better when i started taking them. But now i find out that i have to pretend to be normal my entire life. I really can't stop crying!

There's no one i have to go to when I'm having a breakdown like this. I can't even text my super nice therapist, coz i really don't know the line between actually needing help to get something off my chest, and seeking her attention! She's a former FP and i hate being dependent on her.

To think i was doing so well but now i am not even allowed to have a breakdown. What even do you mean by relapse - depression? Suicidal? A BPD tantrum? Self harm? A panic attack?

I want to cut so bad right now! I haven't cut for almost a month now! I even have a joint but if i take it in the state of mind i am in, it will give me a terrible trip. Plus, i have to reach office early tomorrow morning! I can't think straight! I can't do this. I cannot keep up this mask for the rest of my life!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fucking hell! Please just comment your take on this. The entire thing!! Talk to me. Tell me what you think!