TLDR; Just don’t read I probably don’t make any sense.


I’ve recently found religion, and it has made me feel insanely happy and guided. But I also feel like my spiritual awakening was God showing me how I can save the world. Spreading love and joy, nonresistance to evil, inspiring others to serve others and not themselves. These all seem like great morals to have but I feel like i’m intense desire to save everyone is just a symptom of my schizophrenia. It’s kinda disheartening too because I can’t tell if my passions to help people and spread knowledge is genuine or if it’s just the voices in my head telling me that I’m the chosen one. I would never make people drink the punch of enforce my beliefs, because Christ commands it to not be so. People can only find Christ through their own free will. I would never purposefully form a cult. But the idea of being able to bring together people to save the world seems so ideal. I don’t even know if I’d ever have the charisma to form a cult lol. But I see all these schizoid fanatics that turn into religious zeolites, and I’m afraid that’s what I am becoming. 

Sometimes I don’t even know if my convictions are a product of my will or the influence of voices in my head. And are these voices just parts of my subconscious or are they demons trying to turn me away from Christ? My biggest desire is to help people but half the time I’m so delusional I can’t even understand my own thoughts. I can barely speak to people now because I can’t put my thoughts into words. 

I feel like there are two options, Im completely crazy and I need to up my dosage, or God is real and he has given me a high purpose to serve others and Him. These are my ramblings thank you for reading. I originally wrote this with a question but I’m not even sure what I was trying to ask. Maybe someone will understand what I mean. 

also 

Idk gist of this is I feel so alone. None of my friends understand me now, my mom things that I’m a lunatic and just puts up with my radical thoughts ab politics and religion. My professor gave me a 300% on a 40 page paper I wrote on socialism but he said I sounded like a mad man and it was hard to read. Confused as to why he still gave me 200 extra points. Maybe I really am a genius. Maybe I really can inspire people. But of course the idea that I am special is just a product of schizophrenia. 

If you read this far I’m really sorry. It took me a few weeks to feel encouraged enough to post. Everytime I try I just can’t write my thoughts down. I’m somewhat cohesive today but i recognize it’s still pretty hard to read. (: