Rambling to get it off my mind but since middle school I've been a sucker for energy drinks, coffee, alladat, you know, and as someone with extreme amounts of anxiety it's done nothing but make me extremely ill, panicked and now dependent on these things to get me by, thanks to my ptsd and depression debilitating and tiring my brain to teh point im whoozy, dizzy, nauseous and confused all the time my only energy boosts are from caffeine or sudden fits of manic euphoria or the rare manic episode, but for the most part I look and sound like a zombie, I can't talk properly either, to the point im starting to suspect my traumas been weighing me down so bad it's physically affected my brain. 

Caffeine despite making me extremely productive smart and creative, eloquent, talkative, whatever, has a horrible sloo of downsides cuz everytime I drink it I dwindle between hyperactivity and having a full blown panic attack, I get extremely sweaty, paranoid, my heartbeat is irregular and my vision blurs tremendously, as I type I'm on my second coffee cup and even with just that my visual static is worsening and so is my heart rate, I needed the caffeine to get myself going but by God I can't handle this feeling of dread and fear even if I'm blowing through project after project like its nothing

I just wish everything about my mental health wasn't so bipolar (see this is funny cuz I'm actually bipolar), that I could just simply exist in the middle or maybe leaning a bit to either side and not go between 'walking corpse that bumps into walls and feels like it's gonna faint 24/7' or 'INSANELY PRODUCTIVE OFF TEH WALLS CREATIVE ON THE VERGE OF HAVING A FUCKING HEART ATTACK CABT STOP TALKING OR MOVING AND HAS TALKED TO GOD', that's all, I just wanna be normal.