
I have had a really hard time forming meaningful relationships and it has really hurt me. However, I do have one relationship that I would consider close. The thing is though that it seems like they don’t really care about me. I do have problems with envy and attachment towards them(which I don’t really show but really affect me internally), but it seems like they might not care about me. They don’t really initiate conversations with me or talk to me first, they don’t usually want to talk to me it seems like when they are around other friends, I have kind of hinted that I deal with mental/emotional problems and they haven’t really been very supportive or anything, and they are often cold to me. Unfortunately for me, my fucked up mind cannot stop thinking about them because they are the only person pretty much who seems to somewhat care about me, although not completely I guess. I desire a meaningful relationship so so much and this is my closest thing to it. My mind always tries to rationalize whatever they do and often times when they do things that may or may not be intentionally hurtful it makes me extremely distressed internally and makes me feel awful. I know I this is not good and I should probably just stop talking to them but I feel so lonely and desperate for someone to at least somewhat care for me. I cannot imagine how I will feel if I do this, although it is probably best. God I hate feeling this way so much and just want to fucking die. I often wonder if it would even really affect them much if I stopped talking to them or even if I died


On a side note, I have told many of these things to a couple psychologists about feeling an extreme need for affection, feeling envy and attachment torwards people, fearing abandonment, and turbulent emotions that are often related to these. They seemed to dismiss these things and said it’s just part of my depression and definitely not bpd. I’m not saying I have bpd, but this isn’t regular depression and it has only started a while after I started experiencing depression and anxiety.