I am 32 years old gay man but “new” to this community. Meaning I’ve been this way all my life...
Right now, I haven’t stopped crying for the past four hours. My face hurts, hurts like a brutal sunburn or if you spent a week in Michigan in the winter. 

The boy I’ve been dating for the past six months with, have fallen in love with, just “separated” because he’s a Resident, and he’s really busy and it’s an incredibly taxing time for him. I 100% get it. But it sucks, because he allowed me to fall in love with him, to find a place of security and comfort and happiness. And the worst part of it all is a) he still really cares about me, he’s just in a really taxing place in his career which how can I blame him for that, and b) I have done a really fucking amazing job these past few years being able to NOT be passive aggressive and NOT incite arguments and when there’s a difference of opinion I explain my perspective as to why I feel how I do and also full heartedly listen to where they’re coming from and use my empathy to understand it. 

I’m just really scared, because my life has not been good recently. I have had a lot of bad shit happen to me, and I’ve been proud of my ability to keep it together but a large part of that has been that one constant who was part of my very very small support system. 

So now I’m sitting here, in excruciating pain - physical pain. And I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to turn. 

For the past 2 months I’ve been in physical pain the last 56 days. I have been able to count on one hand, in a 2 month span, the number of times I HAVENT been in extreme physical pain for one condition or another. Some auto immune diseases, some chronic, and a brand new one the past few weeks. The pain has been so constant and rough, that it’s been a struggle to work. I’ve already been on thin ice with work for awhile now, but this has just made me so scared. 

To the point where I’m going to work every single day, and many of these days by the end of my shift, I am in extreme pain. No amount of meditation, or CBD, or hot baths has been able to make the pain go away. In fact, after a long work day the only thing to soothe my physical pain is 2-3 shots of something. And while my life is tough and hard and I’m constantly feeling alone, there’s something more manageable sober. But the physical pain has become so unbearable that I trade that for a bit of ease at the expense of often greater emotional pain.

And the whole thing scares me. As I sit now the first night without the person that was providing me comfort, Im scared most of all because this is how I lost my best friend, my mom. I lost her to depression and alcoholism and I didn’t even know about it for the majority of my life with her. She was the one person who could instantly calm me when I was having a panic attack in the middle of Whole Foods. Just the sound of her voice soothes me. And then she was gone. And I’m learning since she’s gone, that I’m more and more a product of her. 

I don’t really have friends where I live. Only one true friend. Who I constantly feel like a burden to. And then I have my dad, halfway across the country and more concerned about his wife’s family than his only child. 

I got into a living situation 8 months back with a girl who passed all of the background checks and such, but the moment we were living together - both of our names on the lease - she just stopped paying all rent. Never paid a penny. And then we were about to get evicted. And I had to pay all of her back rent just so I wouldn’t have an eviction over us, but I still had no legal right to kick her out cause she was on the lease. Only after a lot of time and A LOT of physical pain that no one could diagnose but evidently was stress, I was able to move on, with a new place and a friend I’d known for awhile who spent half of their time traveling. We shared a space and he was only there half the time. 

Then 1.5 months ago, I came home, and every single thing of his was gone. Every piece of clothing, everything from the bathroom and kitchen. And he won’t respond to my texts. 

I’ve been in such physical pain it’s been so hard to deal with the reality that I’m about to go through this entire process again, only 8 months after I already went through it. And the only thing keeping me together was the one person who was supporting me, providing me happiness and comfort - and even tho he still loves me, he has to look out for his future, and he was starting to see how a relationship in his residency wasn’t going to be sustainable. But I’m over here completely falling apart, and completely unable to tell him that it feels like I’m suffocating. 

So I’m here, home, with the weight of not wanting to burden him (or my other best friend, or my dad, who’s busy planning my step son’s wedding), but home after a 9 hour shift of work leaving me in extreme pain, wanting nothing more than to grab that bottle, but for the first night in weeks not doing it, and also haven’t stopped crying for 4 hours. This whole post probably took me about two cause I kept breaking down in between. 

What do I do when I’m at my lowest low, when I feel like I have absolutely nothing and no one?


(Note - therapy is important - work set me up with this service. This was months ago when I was dealing with the previous roommate situation and pain, and it took a whopping 8 weeks to even start seeing someone, who was only a social worker, who was scatterbrained and late all the time. I have gone out on my own this time and partnered with a licensed specialist through a local LGBT center, but I set this arrangement up September 3, and they’re so busy they can’t even start my weekly sessions until the 26th of October, so I don’t know how to see a professional until then...)