I wasn't sure how else to phrase this.  

  

I've had a girlfriend now for a little over two years; she's religious (and she thinks that I am--I'm a closeted atheist) so we're strictly no-sex-until marriage, but we still kiss and hug and stuff (just nothing close to physical contact). Unbeknownst to her (because I'm a fucked up terrible person), I relieve my sexual tension through masturbating, and I almost always watch straight porn, pretty vanilla.  

  

Anyway, our relationship has had its ups and downs (and obviously, with the BPD those are very high ups and very low downs with nothing in between), but a couple of months ago I realized that I'm just not attracted to her. Kissing her just kind of feels uncomfortable and when ever she rubs my back or holds me, I have to hold back the urge to recoil. It's like any form of romantic or sexual contact with her disgusts me. Looking back on it, I suddenly realized that I wasn't sure if there was any physical attraction. I thought I was attracted to her when we first started dating, but its kind of hard for me to remember now.  

  

Some memories started resurfacing as well. When I was around 9 years old, I had mild sexual contact with a male friend of mine (same age)--just lying on a mattress rubbing our crotches against each other and feeling very taboo. When I was 11 (a year when I went through a lot of trauma), I read a novel where one of the main characters was gay, and I remember thinking: "oh--that's me." But over time I brushed that feeling aside; I figured it was just a way to make myself feel like I was interesting--I tend to do that a lot, making myself match characteristics of characters in books and tv shows/movies that I like.  

  

But I definitely couldn't be gay, right? Maybe just somewhat bisexual. Gay porn disgusted me--I could only get off to porn with women in it. I'd had male crushes in high school and during my gap year, but even those I brushed aside, figuring I was just making things up. Anyway, I had female crushes during that time too. Then recently, I discovered a particular subset of the gay community that I'm really into. Like, *really* into. It feels like sexually discovering myself all over again. But I still can't shake the feeling that actually I'm just a regular, straight boy, who's making himself out to be bi/gay so he has some interesting characteristic like a novel character from his childhood.  

  

I feel like this is linked somewhat to my BPD. The constantly changing image of myself, my all-over-the-place sexuality, the feeling of being a faker. Has anyone else felt this way: like their sexuality was changing or faked because of their BPD? I just feel really confused.