I have the capability to control my impulses and before I act I think about it. I think about all the prior bad decisions and what happens when I give in. When I don't think and yet I always choose the wrong choice....the latter choice doesn't make me feel. While doing the..go to choice I actually do feel somewhat. So there's no excuse. Nothing matters as long as I get to feel some semblance of emotion...i just can't stop. I'll never stop, just keep going...lying, pain, disconnect, repeat. Lie, pretend, discard...I did this. I just use ppl to escape myself bc I hate myself and I've been doing it for so long reasons allude me. I deluded myself into believing I'm not human.. everything is to escape. I'm not human, I can't be bc then I'll feel and if I feel...I can't I'm just a different animal pretending to be human. That I belong, care about anything...I don't hate them, I wish I felt anything towards them. But we just aren't the same. Idk what to make of ppl really..I don't feel compassion, empathy, resentment. I can sympathize w some..but understanding, connection is impossible. I tried, I just don't and I never will