I recently started going out to clubs and enjoying the nightlife and although I'm a nondrinker; I'm still able to have a lot of fun. My default personality is this really quiet, shy, awkward kid who's all in my head. I don't dare to take risks talking or dancing with new people even though I want to. This is who I've been for as long as I can remember. I hate it and I feel like I'm wasting my life with social anxiety. 


Almost always towards the end of the night, I become a completely different person. I get into a type of flow state where I'm extremely social I literally become the person I wish I always was. I'm able to speak my mind freely, I'm able to meet people easily and my personality really comes out. I'm no longer lost in my thoughts and uncomfortable. Does this happen to others? How do I make this my new default personality?

Now I don't think I lack social skills 'cause I'm really social around 2-3 good friends am able to hold conversations with anyone if they start it. Though I am quite serious around strangers.  

 **The worst thing about it is when I meet people during this state and say I plan to meet them again to hang out or a date etc. I go back this quiet, shy kid and I feel like I'm a fraud because I'm not the same person as they thought I was** 


**Background info:** 

- I probably do have some childhood trauma of being bullied then turning it around becoming a bully (I still beat myself over this). 

* When I lived at home I rarely talked to my family at all. My best relationship was with my younger brother and even then we aren't that close (jr of 7 years) with everyone else it felt like we were roommates. I was really an asshole to my siblings so maybe this is how I push myself away because I believe I'm a bad person?

- Around 11y/o I got into video games and really isolated myself from face to face contact. I wasn't really off but I would rather stay home and play video games than literally anything else. Into my college years, I made no new friends and would always rush home right after classes.
* I work a very isolated job which is also nightshift. The only social contact I make is greeting my coworkers in the mornings and when I sign out. I don't take lunch with everyone and usually just go for a walk. I've held part-time jobs when I was younger that involved people and I never had a problem with my social skills.




****All advice or opinions are welcome even criticism I'd be down to hear your thoughts****