Not just being not okay, but ruining everything. Part of me just wants to cut everyone off, start using drugs daily again, and ruining everything else im a part of. It was miserable, but its the only time ive ever felt in control of what was happening to me. I dont have any control, anywhere. I make choices in my life, sure. I can decide what to eat for breakfast, i can choose where to park my car, i can choose when I go to bed. But anything that matters, I'm powerless. Im just waiting around for the next disaster life throws at me. A punching bag, that's what I am. I'm tired. 

And no one else ever tries to understand what its like. Nothing I say or do matters. No one listens to it anyway. Ive always been a burden, right up until the moment I almost died. And then all of the sudden, the things I say matter. Thats the only time people have really taken me seriously. Thats the only time ive ever not truly been alone. Is it wrong to be mad at everyone else for it? How can you make someone who never *has* to be alone understand what its like to have no choice in the matter. Shouldnt i be happy that they cant understand what thats like? I feel so bad and so fucking alone. Sometimes I wonder what people would feel like if they stepped into my body. Part of me wants to see how they crack and bend under the weight of it all. 

Theres something inside me thats just telling me to fuck it all up. Its just an overwhelming urge to hurt myself. Maybe part of me just wants to get so bad that people take me seriously again. Im just so tired. Im tired of being not okay, and im tired of no one caring that im not. I could tell someone I feel like ending it all and they still wouldnt give it a second thought. Theyd forget about it in an hour. 

The worst part is knowing that if I wasnt borderline then I would have such a better life. I wouldnt have ruined every meaningful connection I've made. I could just be happy, all the time. I could mean something to people. 

The damage is done there, but part of me just wants to finish it. I know it sounds horrible, but part of me just wishes i could be gone, just to see how people would react. Would they lie and say that they didnt know it was that bad? Would they talk about how much they think they liked me? I feel like theyd forget i was gone in a week too. Because thats all i am, a passing thought. Thats why everyone leaves eventually. They get tired of me not being okay. Its *annoying* that I can't just be easy. And i cant take it. Im so tired of feeling powerless and meaningless. 

Do any of you ever feel similar? Do you ever wonder if someone will come around who just sees through all the bullshit? Someone who will see how you feel and understand? Because that's all i do. Im practically begging for help and its for nothing. People are tired of me needing help. They dont give a fuck about trying to imagine how I'm feeling, they give a fuck when its bringing them down. And im really fucking tired of it too. And its almost empowering knowing that at any minute I could ruin it all, and just be free of it. I just cant shake that thought out of my head.