Throwaway

I’m female, 20 years old. Ever since I was 12 I’ve been on antidepressants, antipsychotics for severe depression and anxiety. My parents are divorced since I was 2. They’ve both been in relationships after. I’ve lived with my mother and majority of my life it’s just been us two living together. My brother lived with my father. My mother was in a relationship when I was 11. We moved in with him. He abused her mentally and physically. I heard everything. I saw the scars. Fast forward a few years later she dated another guy. I had met this guy before, we lived with him when I was around 7. It didn’t last. Last year we got a call that he had hung himself. My father doesn’t understand mental illness. He often calls me a baby or a child and tells me to just suck it up. That it’s all in my head. My one and only serious relationship was with a boy online. It started when I was 14. Went on and off since I was 17. He said he would come to Canada and marry me. We would have an amazing life together and have kids of our own. I was so happy. Everyone around me told me he was mentally abusing me. I didn’t see it. But he wouldn’t let me have friends, he’d get insanely jealous. I wasn’t even allowed to go over to my female friends house, and when I did, he’d get super angry. He controlled everything in my life. Got upset when I went to school and didn’t stay home to talk to him. Eventually he left me for one of my other friends online. I begged him to stay, I had never felt so broken. He didn’t. He’d say awful things about me. 

The anxiety and depression got so bad I couldn’t go to school. By this time, I was in grade 12. Every time I walked in the school, I had a panic attack. Couldn’t be around people. I tried online school, I couldn’t do it. It was too difficult without a teacher. I still haven’t graduated. I’ve never had a job- it’s hard to leave my house. I can’t drive. I can’t cook. I can’t do anything by myself, my mother raised me to be super dependant. 3 years ago she started dating a guy (now fiancée) she previously was best friends with. He was around me a lot when I was a child. I don’t remember much. The meds make me forget most of my life including my school years. First couple years were fine. I eventually got really sick. Last year I developed severe ocd. Contamination ocd. I cant touch anything he has touched. Cant have him in my apartment. My mother gets angry and blames me that she can’t be happy. I’ve tried 3 different meds since then, all the free therapists the government gives me. Nothing helps. They say I developed ocd as I most likely have psychological issues with men because of all the wrong they’ve caused me in my life. My family all acknowledges I need professional psychological help. They don’t have the money for it. My mom is on permanent medical assistance as she has severe stage 4 endometriosis. My dad lives with his girlfriend who has kids, they can’t afford me or take me in either. My grandparents just want to live a chill retired life. They don’t want me. My brother lives in a different province. 

This takes me to why I need to get out of here, though I have no place to go. Last night my mom got upset with me and said “she wants her life back”. She’s sick of my mental illnesses and says she’s going to have her fiancé over. She acts like she forgets that I nearly starved to death last year, literally days away from starving, because I was too scared that what she cooked was contaminated because she was around him. The ambulance was called at my therapists office because he saw that I could barely stand up. I was shaking really bad. I was extremely malnourished. I wasn’t able to shower for the same fear that she contaminated the shower. Again last year my mother called the police on me because I said I didn’t want to live anymore after she had threatened our relationship if he doesn’t come over. She said that she wouldn’t watch movies with me anymore or be around or spend time with me at all (which really affected me because she was like my only friend. Don’t have barely any irl bc of my anxiety to leave the house and she knows this). Everyone I do talk to says that she emotionally abuses me so bad. I have a video of her saying that our relationship “is nothing now anyways”. This week she said she was going to lock me out of the fridge for getting a piece of balongne. She said that I have gluten on my hands (she has celiac) even though I didn’t even touch anything with gluten, and she said that I’m probably the reason why she’s been sick this past year. She wants to move in with her fiancé, and I’m the one holding her back. She always makes sure to let me know that I’m the reason why she can’t have happiness in her life. She makes me feel like I’m just a roadblock. And so much more. 

So when the police were called they came into our small apartment - 4 men. They forced the blood pressure machine on me even though I was crying telling them it’s contaminated. They told me to grow up and act like an adult. They told me that since they’ve been called twice now, that next time they’re called they can put me in handcuffs and arrest me. It traumatized me so much. The self harm last year was out of control. 

Since that year I’ve gotten so much better by myself since my mother had been cooperating with me, giving me time to get better before she has her fiancé over. I don’t wear gloves inside my house anymore. I can eat. I can shower. I don’t self harm. I’ve been socializing online a lot. However last night when she said she was going to start having him over I’ve fallen into some of the same habits. Haven’t really been eating. Been super depressed. Been crying and shaking all day. I’m scared it’ll be as bad as last year - probably way worse if he comes over. He’ll contaminate everything just by being in here. I’m so scared. I won’t be able to leave my closed room. I’ll be too afraid to eat or drink anything in fear of it being contaminated. I’m so so scared. Can’t stop shaking. Threw up after I tried to eat something. Last year I nearly died, I don’t know what worse entitles. I’m scared. I made so much progress. I don’t want it all to be shattered. It will all be for nothing if she has him over. She won’t let me get psychological help first either before she has him over. She says she can’t afford it and she’s waited long enough. 

Shaking while typing this. Feel really sick. Stopped talking to my friends. Stopped doing anything except sitting in my room crying. She keeps threatening me that she’ll call the police again if I don’t start eating. She says they’ll arrest me this time. But I feel so sick. I’m so scared. No one can afford help for me. I can’t do anything. I’m stuck. What do I do? I have psychological issues with men yet my mom is going to bring a man in the house. I’m so scared. She doesn’t care. I’ve tried reaching out to him personally and our family. No one cares. They all think I’m being irrational. And that my mom “deserves happiness too”. They don’t understand. No one does. And I’m trapped. All I am is a roadblock. No one wants me. No one can take me. I’m trapped in this “home”. It used to be the only place I feel safe, now it’s the scariest place. All I do is sleep because it’s the only time I’m at peace. I cry every time I wake up because I realize I have to face this hell. I’m trapped. I’m scared. I have nowhere to go. What can I even do? I can’t drive to get out of here. I can’t do anything. Can’t get a job to afford professional psychological help for myself. I’m stuck. And it’s so so so scary. What can I even do?