I have this persistent feeling that my reality isn’t what I think it is. It’s driving me insane. Sometimes when things seem normal, I just want to REALLY look around and do something out of the ordinary in hopes someone will question it. It feels like I’m running on a script and everything is a play but I break character all too often. People notice but it’s so subtle that I don’t cause disruption. No one points it out. And the one time I felt like someone was really straight with me, I was high, extremely. I barely remember that night. I feel like I am only truly aware when I’m high, which is why I hate smoking it. It feels like torture, but every few weeks I’m drawn to it just to feel that awfully terrible but relieving feeling of seeing myself and my life through an accurate lens. It hurts so much and takes so much out of me, I end up empty the next day, barely functional. I freak out about what I’m doing with my life for a few hours, go back to my daily routine, and forget it happened. I just get back on stage and poorly perform once again. Life hasn’t felt real for over a year now. I don’t know what to do. I have a strong suspicion that I’m autistic or something, or I have pure ocd, one of the two would make sense. I just wish I had clarity, I wish I could tell people these thoughts, I wish that anytime I felt like I was catching on to someone’s behavior, the few people I would confide in wouldn’t call me paranoid. I wish I didn’t consider myself paranoid. I wish I knew what it felt like to trust…anything. I feel so out of place. I want out of this reality, please. I want to get back to the way things were in high school. Things made sense, even if I were delusional and unaware. I need help but help feels so unattainable.