TW: death (fear of), near death experience, car accident, hospitals

&amp;#x200B;

I have severe PTSD (according to a neuropsychiatrist; I've been properly diagnosed) after being in a nearly fatal car accident. I had actually died in the accident and was asystole when the paramedics arrived though they were able to revive me with an injection of some type of medication. I had significant injuries and I was in the ICU for two months on tracheotomy life support and with tubes in just about every hole in my body. I don't remember the accident. I don't remember hours before the accident. I just remember waking up in the hospital in this state, fighting for my life and it was absolutely terrifying. Through pneumonia, sepsis, septic shock, a brain injury, etc, SOMEHOW I lived. Even the doctors don't understand how because medically, I should not have survived the injuries that I sustained. This is just a backstory as to why I suffer from the PTSD that I do. This was a traumatizing situation I wouldn't wish on my worst enemies. 

That was years ago. I'm alive. I've thankfully not encountered anything else of that severity and I'm in pretty good health, considering. I live with a TBI that makes everything a chore and the PTSD is a daily struggle, but aside from that, I've been lucky. This being said... I am absolutely terrified of getting ill, injured or dying. 

Lately, after breaking my foot, my anxiety has been at an all time high, mostly due to the injury and not being able to move around like I want to. I think about my own mortality (and my loved ones) constantly... and the anxiety has been causing me heart palpitations. As soon as they happen, it triggers a panic attack that makes the palpitations that much worse and I am spiraling into a pit of despair where I'm sure I'm dying. It sounds dramatic, but it feels dramatic. I KNOW that more than likely, I'm causing this all myself, because when my mind is on something else, there are no heart palpitations, but the second I think about it, my heart is racing and the palpitations are back. 

Has anyone ever lived with such a fear of death? What did you do to cope with it? It makes living an absolute nightmare... I worry about the future, losing people I love, what could possibly happen to me, about aging, about how I'm going to die, what it's going to feel like, what happens when I'm dead. I worry about death to an obsessive degree that I can't even enjoy living. This is mostly me venting but I'd love to hear from anyone who has also suffered with this... and if anyone has overcome it or has made improvements, what did you do? 

Thank you so much for reading this mess, if you did. I feel very alone so just writing this out with the possibility of someone reading it is a comfort. Thank you.