It pushes me to give in to my worst, most repressed impulses. It keeps nagging at me endlessly, telling me that « if I do this » whatever shitty, dangerous thing it is, I’ll feel powerful and alive. When I’m drinking, it tells me that I need to drink more and snort some cocaine. When I’m in a argument, it tells me to hit the person where it hurts, to destroy their ego. When I’m having sex, it tells me that I’m the king of sex and that making her cum is the key to win her over. When I’m driving, it tells me to speed up, cause I only got one life and this moment is all I have.

I do end up feeling more alive through these bouts of extreme impulsivity, seemingly killing the habitual emptiness for a short time, however, it always ends up being a setback, making my journey to change and happiness longer and more difficult.

Short term pleasure always leads to long term pain when you have BPD, it seems.

Do you have experience with this « phenomenon »?