Our couple’s therapist had diagnosed my girlfriend of four years with BPD a few months back. We were working through our issues in therapy when my girlfriend had an affair with one of her co-workers, this continued on with her dismissing my concerns for nearly two months. Roughly one month ago she told me the truth and broke up with me, went out and had sex with her affair partner, then called me crying having a panic attack the day she was supposed to move out. “It didn’t seem real until I had to start packing, then I realized I was losing you, us, our home, our life.”


We’ve both been working hard since with the therapist to rebuild the relationship and trust, however she has been accusing me non-stop of hiding things and being attracted to female friends. The therapist has told my girlfriend that this is projection, and has been working with her on reframing her negative thoughts before they spiral out of control.


I noticed she was talking to her co-worker again, and she became very upset when I asked her to block him. This weekend she went to a party, and ended up coming home at 7:30am. While she insists nothing happened after all the lying I am suspicious.


Anyway, we have our couple’s therapy appointment last night, and she reveals that she is feeling things for her co-worker again. When the therapist pointed out she hurt me by coming home at 7:30am and not even texting, she said she “didn’t care about my feelings, and was enjoying her time away from me.” That crushed me to hear. When I pointed out that I could not remain in such an unhealthy situation, she seemed to soften a bit, now being very confused about her feelings and unsure what or who to choose. I made it clear that she will lose someone in this situation, at this point all of us are being hurt. The therapist said she had sabotaged our relationship completely by remaining in contact with her affair partner.


I’m torn on what to do. I love my girlfriend dearly and have been there to support her however I can, but feel physically ill knowing she is considering leaving me for her co-worker. I suppose at this point she has two simultaneous relationships. All of this feels like a massive self-sabotage of her life and our relationship. The only place she has to go is her parents, nearly an hour from her work. We have vacations planned and tickets purchased, untangling our lives will be messy, expensive, and painful.


I am considering asking her to move out, but I have a feeling that the same situation will replay. She’ll agree, and then right before leaving the gravity of the situation will hit her.


I’m curious if anyone has experienced something like what my girlfriend is going through? Is there anything I can do to try and get through to her? Maybe it is best for both of us if I ask her to leave and stick to it, even if she is in pieces wanting to stay in a few days? Perhaps we should separate for a few days to clear the air, and see where that leads?


I am in pain, and I love her so much. I know she, like so many others, did not ask for BPD and I do my best to respond to her behaviors with understanding. I want to make sure I do the best thing for us both moving forward.