Obviously I don’t wanna self diagnose, and I am going to see a therapist soon but it might be a while bc of this whole covid situation. But I recently learned about the symptoms of bpd, and many of them align with issues I’m currently having. However, I don’t think my symptoms are as severe as actual bpd, and am wondering if anyone with bpd could give me insight into if these specific issues are something they deal with, because idk what else to attribute them to. Here are some issues I’ve been experiencing that lead me to believe I could have it:

- intense fear of being alone, whenever I think someone is leaving me I beg for them to stay, I say what I don’t mean, anything to make them come back
(I stayed with a toxic ex for a while even tho I was miserable bc I was so afraid of being alone)
- I’ve always loved to instigate fights with my significant others. For some reason i love to get angry and it often hurts the people I love. I can get heartless and almost evil in the blink of an eye. Any small argument we have, I’ll push and push until they get hurt, and when they fight back, I shut down. It’s a horrible double standard. The thing that makes me doubt I have bpd is how even with these problems, it’s never really ruined my relationships; most of the time we can get through it, which seems like something that people with bpd can’t do. 
- my mood can change in an instant. Whether someone leaves me on read or gives me a slightly off look I can turn into an empty, disassociating mess in a second. I can jump from self-loathing to a god complex in like 15 minutes.
- I once wondered if i were bipolar bc of the intense mood swings I get but they’re not as prolonged or serious as bipolar, so I know I’m not. But, I do get manic episodes where I will do everything possible- clean the whole house, do a full face of makeup, do all my chores, do all my schoolwork, reorganize my room, color code shit, etc.
- if my friends hang out without me, I jump to conclusions. They hate me, they purposely picked a day I couldn’t hang out bc they don’t wanna see me, they have so much more fun without me, etc. these thoughts will repeatedly play in my head and pull me into a depressive episode. But, as soon as I’m invited to something again, I’m back to normal.
- I do have some impulsive behaviors, but again, they don’t seem as intense as bpd. I recklessly spend money even though I know I don’t have it to spare, I have issues with substance abuse, and I often send texts without thinking thru them which I often regret. One of my coping mechanisms is driving as fast as I possible can on a bridge in my city, often hitting 110-120 in my tiny little hatchback even though I know it’s not safe for me, my car, or my record. I also have issues with self harm, but that’s mostly linked to my depression and anxiety. I get angry very fast over very minor things and lash out without thinking, but not in a physical way that seems to be an indicator with bpd. 
- I’m not sure if this could be a symptom, because I know everyone has comfort characters, but often times when I watch a new show or movie and I really enjoy a character, it will influence my personality for weeks. Everything I do I try to do it in their image and I try to almost present myself in a way that reflects that character to other people. I don’t know how to explain it. It just sounds like it could be related to the “lack of self identity” symptom. 
- The idea of a “favorite person” is what really tripped me out, because it explained something I had been struggling with for so long that I didn’t know how to explain. I’ve always had a severe attachment to one person, whether it’s a best friend or (most of the time) a significant other. Because I’m so attached to one person, i often ignore my other friends for them. The way they treat me regulates my mood. If I don’t have someone, I feel empty and purposeless. I love so hard but if they say something in a slightly different tone or make one joke I can completely shut off or start a whole fight. I can barely stand being single; if someone asks me out I’ll probably say yes regardless if I like them because it gives me somebody to get attached to. I fall for people so easily because I feel like nothing without someone. 

Again, I’ll be seeing a therapist soon who can hopefully help me sort these problems out. I feel like these are related to bpd, just some of them not being as severe. Any insight would be great. And please be nice, I’m not self diagnosing and I’m not trying to give myself this disorder, I would just like to know if this is *possibly* the reason for these issues, and would like to hear an opinion from actual people with bpd. I know this is long af, so anyone who got this far, thank you so much! :)