Another day spent pretending to be social . Attempting to be charismatic while people pleasing so I actually don't run them away. I can finally say I have a diagnosis for BPD now, but honestly I've been walking out of class and having temper tantrums since elementary school so now I'm questioning exactly how long I've had this ...I can't be myself.

 My life is a lie. Every moment stuck between flight or fight mode. Came back to my neighborhood to the same familiar stares of disapproval. I feel so hopeless. Hurts to know in the back of your mind romantic interest makes you feel worthy of being cared about, worthy of affection, it's the only bond that makes you genuinely feel like you matter, and yet every single stare, every attempt made with me at flirting will inevitably burnout when I run them away or love bomb, or show my insecurity. I've been trying to tell myself.

 I can't help but feel like I'm really broken. Dysfunctional. After reading a lot it seems like women can still be romantically involved while having this condition fairly often. It's like I lose all my value being a borderline. I have no bad blood against women of any kind, but I can't help but feel jealous of them in knowing that many women can still date even with their condition. I'm working on accepting reality but it's not easy. I mean... Who wants to accept that despite all the flirting and interest you Garner, you're only worth just that. The initial attraction. Catching the attention of someone because of my height or face just to get ghosted or lose them weeks down the line. 

Always wearing a Cheshire smile because deep down I don't trust these people. They all would ghost me given the right motivation. I'm mad at society for still pushing this narrative we are social being because I feel so damn guilty knowing my mother was a social butterfly and I'm so damn scared to live. So scared of rejection because I spent the last 4 years mentally alone and crying internally and externally. I'm bad vibes.... 

If I had my way I'd gift my body, my looks, my genes to someone who could live a fun life with my body. I'll never understand why I get the looks I do, why I make people attracted. I've heard To me I'll never be half of what they see in my mind so it just feels like a back handed compliment to me. "You're so tall!"..... Haa thank you :) *internally "I know you think you want me love, but trust me you dont." I hear this in my head everytime I get a compliment and I don't think I'll ever stop. I wasn't made for this world. Too sensitive. Too people pleasing. Too weak. And it hurts my soul every day.