I'll start by saying I am female aged 32.

Today my doctor (not my family doctor but the one at my local university) perscribed me Seroquel, however looking it up there seems to be more negative than good. My doctor told me only to take it when I have those moments where I feel low, sad, paranoid, scared and to take how much I need to feel better (25MG tablets), the perscription itself contradicts what he said and it says to take one pill daily for two weeks.

I don't want to be a over eating zombie where my symptoms could be potentially worse and could effect my university studies. I have never taken a medication in my life for my personality. I once took adderall for my fear of flying, but it never did anything - and people don't believe me. I've gone as far as popping 3 of those bad boys and nothing.

I should mention I have not been formally diagnosed with BPD, it has been suggested and we are still waiting for psych evaluation but there just happens to be such a huge wait in my home town so going through the university has so far the quickest method. Through all this all I have been focused on is the proper type of therapy that could be good for me. I have heard wonderful things about dialectical behavior therapy but I need a referral for medical to cover it - just today we signed me up for a session that begins at the university next month!

Since I've never been the type to take medications and of course I can self medicate. When I feel over the top anxious or nervous I would rather walk to my fridge and have a couple beers. My self awareness has always made me never over indulge in anything - even though I drink almost every second day a couple of beers, I very rarely get "wasted". I don't really like being drunk followed by being dizzy when I try to fall asleep and worse is the horrible hang over that can lead to me feeling bummed later the next day. I also never mentioned to my doctor that most my psychosis and paranoid episodes happen when I smoke weed - even though the episodes are rare and until my last one, a month ago, I was already feeling nervous - mostly just nervous about the boredom I was about to expect from Christmas break. However I still get super down, followed by being eagerly excited until I throw up. I can get really annoyed too and lash out in anger. My moods shift so fast through out the day and I have a serious problem with favoritism - mostly with boyfriends. 

I have done a share of recreational drugs while having some fun times but never as an addict (coke, MDMA, acid, mushrooms) and wonder if any of these have trigged this frame of mine to this point - my last psychotic (and biggest, last month) episode was after I did MDMA and had a random hook up with a guy I had been flirting with. The fact that I sort of wasn't ready for it and him disappearing right after made me feel like crap and unworthy of any love from anyone - I don't usually hook up because I know how crappy I feel when it lacks emotion.

Even though I don't think my symptoms are as extreme as others I have met. I suffer from extreme boredom and can fluctuate from loneliness. I do not cause self harm. However I do get suicidal thoughts and have tried many times over my life - not to end my life but to stop the emotional pain. I used to bang my head on the wall as a teen. I do have insane emotionally unstable relationships that is most likely related to abandonment issues - foster care as a child and eventually taken back to my mother when I was about 8, and now most of these issues are surfacing. My last relationship basically went as "this isn't working, just leave.." when he was telling me I was his world and when he finally gave up and caved and agreed with me I instantly did a mental switch and "no! please dont go!". However he caused a lot of pain on me - he cheated and then kept in contact with her and when we both agreed we thought I was moving away (I went to a different university 5 hours away) I moved back to be closer to him and then he left his fuck list out which had several names after mine - in which not only did I not realize it was one girl, it was more and their names were all listed for me to see. My only tip off to anything even going on was when a random girl tried to add me on social media. Anyway that is neither here nor there - but doesn't help my issues these days because I painfully miss him and we broke up in early August.

Anyway, I feel really really nervous about taking this stuff and really do not want to. I called my mom crying about it and she agrees that this is my body and I should put what I want into it. However.. at the same time even as simple as this perscription as set my nervous mood over the edge today and I'm shaking as I type this. I know there is something wrong with my mind at times... and I know I can wake up tomorrow feeling better (depending if I have nice dreams).. but for now I just don't think I trust it.

What have your experiences been like? Why wouldn't my doctor just perscribe something like valium when I have overly emotional moments? I've never tried valium but I feel like that would be better for a quick fix in a moment than this.