Today I had a the classic BPD meltdown. I resorted to tearing my ex and ridiculing his new girlfriend to him instead of dealing with why I was feeling the way I was. The frustration of seeing my ex do all the things I begged him to do for 5 years. Having a job. Looking after himself. Wine and dining. Processing all the pain and trauma I endured from our relationship.

Afterwards I felt embarrassed. I am embarrassed that I let my emotions get the best of me. I am ashamed I went after a girl’s looks and character who did absolutely nothing to me. I acted in a way that I don’t even want to tell my friends or anyone about because I know what they would say or how they would view me.

I sat down and I reflected deeply. I will not say that my ex was good to me because he wasn’t. I was abused a lot and there is a lot of trauma that I am still struggling to deal with to this day. Trauma that I am working to deal with my therapist. 

However it made me realize how much I blamed him for EVERYTHING. I didn’t take any responsibility for any of my own toxic behaviours. I didn’t take responsibility for the times I verbally or emotionally abused him. It also made me sit back and self reflect on other failed relationships and friendships. Where I seen all their wrongdoings but refused to admit my own or justified it. Reactive abuse is still abuse. There were many times I took some responsibility for my actions but not all. Refusing to accept FULL responsibility for my own actions has held me back from healing properly and growing as a person. 

I am currently in the process of apologizing to my ex and his girlfriend for my bad behaviour today. I am bringing light to my bad actions and figuring out how I can be a better person in the future. I am trying to show myself compassion and forgiveness for my actions. 

I want to believe that you can still learn to be a better person after making horrendous decisions. You have to start somewhere, right?