I feel like I have been in a state of dread for years now. I wake up sad. I go to bed sadder. I go through my day with a gross numbness. But sometimes I will have those phases where things maybe feel okay, yknow? It makes me forget for a just a little bit about that feeling I always have. And I keep tricking myself over and over that it'll be okay and it will get better. But it never does. And the pain of that truth hurts worse everytime.

It gets worse and worse each time I am alone. I want it to go away so so so bad. I just want it to end. And I just dont really know what to do anymore. 

I feel like I do the right things to help myself. I reach out to people when I feel my head is dangerous. But I am always still alone when I need someone most. And they all say the same things. That they care and that they are there for me. But they arent. No one is. Time and time again I am shown that. Tonight was particularly hard, and I really really didnt want to be alone. And one of my friends came to comfort me for a little. But he left, told me he would be back soon, and then came around about 4 hours later. Its just a constant cycle of being let down and left behind. The only person who can be there for me is myself. And I dont want to be there for myself anymore. Im just so tired. I try all of the calming methods. I was so spiritual. Now theres nothing left.

And I dont know what to do. And I used to be so radiant and driven. And I just feel like a black hole now. I went through something that I thought I could never recover from. But I was able to push through it. 

But now??? Nothing that bad has happened and I am feeling at my lowest. I just don't get it. I dont know what happened to me. And I want to be free so bad.