TLDR Kind of connected the dots that a chunk of my self loathing comes from the messy start of my marriage. We were online friends at first but the lines got blurred. He had a gf, who was cheating on him but he married her anyway, rather than be with me. This happened over 2 years and I've always known it was my fault for getting involved with him but... All these years I guess it didn't matter because while logically I knew that, emotional I felt like he broke my heart, cheated on me. I wasn't good enough to beat his cheating gf, who was sleeping and talking with numerous men. Long post [here](https://www.reddit.com/user/generic_eve1991/comments/iqhgrd/came_as_a_random_lurker_sharing_painful_post_i/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3) though I don't expect anyone to read through that book post

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But yea...I've always hated myself before all tht but all that really just stuck with me and confirmed those feelings.. but its been 11 years and a daughter later. He treats me well and is amazing father but..it lingers. I think with bpd  all these events I've experienced in life change me permanently. That even with all the progress I've made these years, there is no going back to that version(little girl) of me that isn't tainted..I don't know how to cope with never feeling like enough for myself or him, to try and at least fake that I like myself..I feel like because my entire life has been so fucked from the start, I carry it all. Its always going t influence me, cast doubt forever. Ill never feel I was his real love, ill always be second/back up plan...Ill never feel beautiful, everything I want to achieve will never come to be... We have no one else, no family nor friends...how could we ever have time to do anything then raise or daughter while juggling or mental health...

Every time I say I think I've hit rock bottom...i sink deeper.