I feel like complete shit and it's taking everything I have not to have a complete meltdown today. On Monday I freaked out about something stupid in front of my partner and started spiraling saying I hate myself and fuck up everything. Usually he reassures me but this time he was just silent. At the end he was like "that was intense and idk what to do. I didn't want to contradict you." I asked if he could help ground me and he said he would but it just felt like it drove a wedge between us.

The last 3 days, he's been in a bad mood. Three days ago he straight up said on the phone that he hadn't been in a bad mood before talking to me. Yesterday, he texted "bad mood" and I spent hours freaking out. When I called him in the evening he seemed fine and said it was just from traffic. We talked about plans for the weekend and the future.

Today I texted him "I love you and can't wait to see you!" and he just answered "same" then I said "Everything ok? here for you" he just said "thanks". I tried to call and he didn't pick up. I'm freaking out. Did i do something wrong or am i just being selfish and personalizing his feelings? I just read about emotional impermanence and the accuracy is so real. I feel like when I feel like this, it's the only thing I can ever remember feeling. I have this massive pit in my stomach thinking that he's going to leave me over the fact that I'm too difficult, overwhelming and sick. I've been trying so hard to make progress but it feels like I fail at every turn. I can keep my emotions under control for a couple weeks at most and then I have a fucking meltdown. I'm so ashamed, sad and embarrassed. I turn 25 next week and can't believe I still feel like this. I'm crying right now at my desk feeling like a complete failure, a total loser. I can't believe how intense this feels. I feel like I'm drowning and that I'll never recover. I feel like I've hit rock bottom and that nothing will ever be ok. I hate this, I hate me.