I made a new rule to prevent self sabotage: no texting while having a heart wrenching episode of emotional pain.

I caught myself writing a book to my FP. It was spilling out like blood. So much negativity, no blame, just telling her how much I hurt.

Then before I sent it...I thought what will be the result of this? Will she say "I'm sorry you are hurting. Let me shower you with the love and attention you need to bring you back to the land of the living and hopeful!"? No. She'll just take it personally that I'm putting all my happiness in her hands and it will push her away. She'll probably get defensive and tell my I'm the reason she can't show me love or point out she is struggling to feel anything at all in life and can't help me anyways.

So I just copied my msg and saved it. I wrote her something positive when I cawled out of my hole a little.