every single time i'm happy, even for a moment, everything goes to shit after. i don't know why, there's no reason for it. no matter what changes materially or physically, mentally i am always unhappy. nothing is ever good there. if it's not my mood it's my thoughts. i feel like i can never catch a break. i feel like such a piece of shit sometimes because i have no real reason for any of it. i feel like i'm just being dramatic, almost faking it. i know i'm not, but i can't shake it. i'm tired of crying myself to sleep or panicking while trying to breathe. the thoughts keep coming, past situations, urges to do things that i know i really shouldn't. every time something comes up, that i know can be contributing to how i feel, i push it away. it's never "bad" enough. it can't "justify" it. i just don't know what to do anymore. getting real help doesn't seem like an option right now. i'm just so tired of every day and every night bringing the same stuff. i don't know how much more of this i can take and i'm not looking to find out.