I’m laying in bed next to a guy who’s literally everything I was looking for in someone. Not just a hookup, we live together. I’m at a healthy weight. I have a semi-stable job and a roof over my head. All 10 fingers, not blind, not deaf, blessed with the ability to walk and talk normally, and born in a first world country. 

But like I’m actually trash and have manipulated everyone into thinking they like me and I’m the ugliest person I know and my boyfriend can’t ACTUALLY like me because nobody would be that dumb right? And you guys are the only ones who know how much energy it’s taking to not start a loaded conversation that would lead to a fight just to have something to actually feel bad about. 

Like I’ve been through his phone once and he knows and it’s in the past but there’s still shit I want to talk about even though it was months ago and idk I’m just waiting for him to break things off. 

I’m a few shots of vodka in to maybe get me to sleep before I muster up the courage to have a conversation so wish me luck at falling asleep. 

I love you all, please don’t reciprocate it though because I’ll start imagining a future with one or all of you bye