I am a very high functioning person; Im 21 and I have two jobs, I’m going back to school full time in a couple weeks, and I have a good social life. I don’t identify as being a victim and so I see my problems as something to fix, which is why I’m reaching out to someone who maybe knows how to help me. My body and mind almost always feel stuck in a state of anxiety. I got over a panic disorder by myself by learning how to control my adrenaline and talk myself into a calmer state, but the residual feelings of anxiety still flow into every aspect of my life and basically halt me from enjoying things to the fullest extent. I had severe depression which was basically killed by taking lexapro.

I went to therapy for a couple of years, and I’m taking an SSRI, which helps. I also take a small dose of an antipsychotic at night which is more recent. Nighttime is when I am alone with my thoughts, so sometimes I take another anxiety medication that is not addictive as I have struggled with drugs in the past, although I have been clean for 3 years. My psychiatrist diagnosed me with having an anxiety disorder and says she truly believes there isn’t anything else, I trust her. I have had psychotic symptoms related to my anxiety, though, which apparently is a thing even though I was skeptical. I was under the impression at one point that I was developing schizophrenia, although my psychiatrist said that it was drug related because I had just got off of drugs and my brain chemistry was out of whack. I had “borderline” episodes for a few months after getting clean and it has slowly gotten better over the years. I don’t know how to explain borderline, it was like psychosis but like less severe and I don’t know if that makes any sense. It was an altered state of mind without any influence of drugs and it was severely uncomfortable and scary. I did have an incident last month though where I went to the ER and was diagnosed with “Disorganized Thought Process” for one night, which resided slowly in like 3 days. My thoughts felt like incoherent scribbles. That was random, I did have like 10 coffees at work that day though(you can see that the stimulant abuser is still in me there). I do drink a lot of coffee, at least 5 a day because it makes me happy. 

I can’t smoke weed because it brings out that mentally ill part of my brain that most definitely is there but somehow I control it. I don’t know what it is, but there is something there that might reside or might not reside, I guess we’ll see in the next few years but I stay strong for myself and the fam. 

I’m sorry if this post is long I just want to get my thoughts out somewhere.

I know exactly what caused my anxiety disorder. Growing up I always had ears on the house because I was afraid my dad would hit my mom(which he did a couple times and pretty bloody too), and if so I would have to jump out of my room and protect her. To this day I’m very protective of everyone I care about, but I also feel as though I am stuck in that hyperactive state of awareness due to how I grew up at home. I was a kid, 11-16, and I was still developing my personality and my brain. That played a major part in my development; learning how to become extremely hyper focused and listening to every single movement at home and every word in every random ass argument from my room. Even when I was in the shower, I would lessen the water pressure on the shower head so I could still hear what was going on, and be ready to protect my mom. I’m honestly amazed at how retarted both of my parents are for staying together that long. Like, that’s what you think love is? My mom is the strongest woman I have ever met but I can’t understand why she would stay with my dad, who I love very much but has anger issues as you can tell.

Anyways, I guess I just need someone to give me some advice you know what I’m saying?