ive been dating this guy for almost two months (would be two on the 28th) and i met him through a friend. everything was great and i really really fucking love him. the only bump we had was a previous argument because i drove 1 &amp; a half hours to see him and he fell asleep on me and i waited an additional two hours for him before driving back home. and he made me feel horrible about that argument and basically forced me into responding to it despite telling him i wasn’t in the headspace to talk about it. he basically made it seem like it affected him more and said i gave him a panic attack and made him feel like his ex did (she was really abusive he said)

and recently things seemed okay after that had settled. and then out of nowhere he tells me i seem cold and distant and he feels like im talking to a stranger. looking back i can see he was right but sometimes i subconsciously pull away when im really stressed and busy and school just started again on top of me getting more hours at work so ive been really tired and strained lately. 

anyways he already knows i get this way sometimes but i didnt respond to his message at the time (and i should have at least messaged him to let him know i’d respond later and that’s my fault that i didnt) because i was drained and didn’t know how to respond without seeming rude and uncaring. and then i just ended up being self deprecating on my snap story which he claimed me doing that and not responding to him was proof of me not caring about our relationship when if anything knowing i was upsetting him made me feel worse because i didnt really know how to address it and fix it at that time. 

anyways this prompted another argument where i will admit i got heated and was rude before calming myself down. but he completely dismissed my points and accused me of making too many assumptions and not being direct enough (which even though that is true he also made assumptions and never told me he needed me to clarify things to him and instead claimed he shouldnt have to but how otherwise would i know he didn’t understand what i was saying) and basically his responses made me feel more like he was blaming me for my feelings and acting like his actions had more of an impact on himself than me. regardless of that we eventually worked things out and it was okay for the next day. we had been having our normal conversations and sending each other memes and what not. i talked to him about work and stuff too. last night after work i was supposed to drive to see him (but i also told him it wasnt definitive and depended on how i felt after work) but i have work again early tomorrow and i was so exhausted that i just didnt want to make a 1 &amp; a half hour drive in the middle of the night. he was okay with that and asked me when i was free again and said that he missed me. and this was all at like 2 am. 

i didnt wake up until 11am and at that point i hadn’t heard from him which i thought was weird but okay because i figured maybe he was catching up on some sleep. and then out of nowhere he springs a long message on me telling me our relationship has run it’s course because im one of the most, and i quote, “disrespectful and inconsiderate people” he’s ever met and that i treated him like a punching bag and was gaslighting him, dismissing him and using ad hominems. he claimed im so self absorbed and was beating him down and that i need to keep seeking active help because i was a burden on his mental health and don’t care about how much torment i can cause. 

this was all literally such a low blow to me because it came out of nowhere and isn’t even true? i had my sibling read the convos and she admitted i was passive aggressive but i never insulted him or gaslit him. i expressed my emotions towards the situations and never once blamed him directly for them, just how his actions affected me. and i never dismissed his problems. i always reaffirmed that i knew he was struggling and simply didnt want to be a burden on him, which at that time he reassured me i wasn’t. he point blank told me venting to him doesn’t bother him and that he loves and supports me even through the bad times and yet turns around and does this. 

like im so overwhelmingly heartbroken because i dont even understand how it got to this point. like he’s allowed to feel how he does and i respect that but he blocked me immediately after on every platform so i had no chance to defend myself or even ask for examples of what i did to hurt him. it literally hurts so bad that it’s making me physically ill because everything was okay and he lied to me because obviously something prompted him to reread a situation i thought we had resolved. 

and even still like i dont think the argument was that bad or that it wasnt something that couldnt be fixed. like we both obviously have some pretty bad communication skills and we needed to work on that. but i don’t understand how he did a full 180 and decided that i was so terrible that he had to break up with me and block me as if i’d hurt him. 

i know im shitty. i really do. im trying to get better but ive been in therapy for only a month and on meds for 3 days. and it doesnt help when people dont explicitly point out what is wrong with what i say or do. he just let it bubble over until it had to become an argument. never once did i deny any of my actions. ive always tried to defend myself and maybe im not always clear in what i mean but ive never tried to hurt him ever. thats why i wanted to avoid our first argument because i know how impulsive i can get when angry or upset and i didn’t want to ruin what we had. 

like how can you go from reassuring me that you’re there for me, telling me you love me and miss me and want to see me, making plans for a date when i come see you and then a little over 12 hours later telling me that im some horrible monster and acting like i was abusive. maybe i was toxic, i can admit that. but i swear im not an abusive person. i could never ever let myself become that. 

i just dont know how to sleep tonight knowing that yet another person has been lost because of the way i am and that once again i’m a monster in someone’s eyes. my chest aches so fucking bad and i just honestly want to swallow everything in my medicine cabinet and go to sleep.