And I don’t even feel that terrible. How long can I go on like this? I haven’t had an appetite since my depression got worse weeks ago and in that time I have hardly eaten any solid foods, I will just force myself to gulp down an Ensure bottle. And not even multiple bottles throughout the day, I will literally just drink one. 

I’ve lost 15+ pounds and I think I have an undiagnosed eating disorder because my relationship with food has always been either eating too much or barely eating anything at all. I am secretly glad I am starving and losing weight because i’m currently fat again and need to lose 50 pounds. Is there something subconscious that is telling me to keep starving myself? 

I don’t even know what i’m saying at this point, i’m having pretty bad brain fog. Am I malnourished? How long does it take to become malnourished? What am I doing to myself? I also self medicate with painkillers so I don’t even want to know what i’m doing to my body when I abuse them on an empty stomach. 

Part of the problem is also that i’m just too tired and have no interest in cooking. And I don’t want fast food because i’ll just gain weight. How do people find the energy to cook healthy meals when they’re too depressed to get out of bed? How long can you survive on protein shakes alone? When I get home from my 9-5, I simply don’t have the strength or motivation to go to the kitchen and try to figure out what the fuck to cook. 

So i’ll just have water for dinner. And when I wake up with hunger pains, I’ll down another Ensure bottle maybe. 


Idk. Just tired. No friends to confide in. Can someone be a friend?