Edit: Trigger warning- Suicide, self-harm, drug use, tedious overdrawn writing style. Also, I keep getting shadowbanned it looks like from reddit, I am guessing due to using a VPN, so new account, hopefully it hasn't been reposting. I wrote this last night.

I can't speak for everyone of course, but FOR ME this medicine after a few weeks feels radically different than every other medicine (mood stabilizers, anti depressants,anti psychotics,anti anxiety) I've ever been prescribed. Thanks to a user who made a post and mentioned it I forwarded some research papers to my doctor and... yeah it's been a missing piece of the puzzle, again in my personal situation at least.

I'm a bit self conscious about posting because people have interpreted my writing as manic, which of course after fighting irrational thoughts off for years is concerning- BUT I've kinda just come to the conclusion that between having BPD, ADHD, growing up reading voraciously, and doing data entry for a few years this is just my style of writing. Manic implies to me an irrational basis for thoughts, I would classify this as more euphoric, and perhaps just annoyingly long winded. :D THAT is certainly fair.

I'm reading the rules as I don't want to break any, so to be clear I am NOT CLAIMING this is a cure to the overall BPD symptoms (I know I certainly still feel big emotions- an example is one of the side effects mentioned for this medicine is that some had reported music gave them less pleasure. I am happy to report that No Time for Caution still gives me goosebumps, Elliott Smith still makes me sad, and Salvatore Ganacci's Step-Grandma still makes me dance and feel weird af) and everyone is different of course so not really trying to say anything other than it has been the most effective medicine I have ever tried and there is a body of research out there that supports this beyond just my anecdotal report.

What this medicine has done is almost completely stop this cycle I could not break of suicidal, self-harming, self-hating thoughts and the disassociation I believe was caused by how stressful those were. My THEORY (I am NOT A SCIENTIST OR MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL) is that my brain was producing shitty thoughts to stress itself out, trigger the endogenous opioid system receptor (which among other functions manages stress, flight or fight response and social attachments according to what I have read) to get a hit, and combined with my ADHD hyperfocus on "interesting" things and BPD level of very intense emotions this started an endless spiral. When you look up that flight or fight response, and here I am absolutely guessing but I would think that response is related to disassociation, it says how while in that state the cognitive effects are almost all negative- "attention to negative stimuli, the perception of ambiguous situations as negative, and the recurrence of recalling negative words." How borderline does that strike you? If your brain is producing thoughts that trigger more bad thoughts that trigger more bad thoughts how the hell are you supposed to break that addiction? That's what it is- or was. One I had no agency in starting as it's genetic and one I couldn't avoid relapsing into because it was triggered by feeling bad. There is no shortage of that floating around in the world, and you can't avoid it and maintain your humanity.

I never had great trauma growing up, yet I started self-harming in 6th grade. Serious suicide attempt at 18. After that for years I coped in various ways, and interestingly enough opiates which directly interact with that receptor were my drug of choice. Although they're a lot of people's drug of choice so, hard to put much weight behind that- I will say I always was very functional on them (I have other people's perspective on that or I wouldn't put it out there) and they made me feel "right" like no other drugs did. That is NOT me promoting drug use AT ALL, I am confident they did much more damage to my already shitty EOS than it needed. I've been clean for over 5 years, but it's like adding gasoline to a fire in your brain- not a great idea.

I'm in my late 30's, I've seen therapists and doctors since junior high, my family and friends care but I've also been a nightmare in so many ways. I've cycled through friend groups, constantly dropped in and out and always felt like a fractured soul and a terrible person. Part of me I really enjoy, the large part most of the time (if you couldn't tell I do love the look of my own thoughts on text) but there is a monster within me that was always waiting to destroy things that I love. Every time I made progress, whether in a career, or relationships, or just personal improvement it was there, waiting and ready to spring up and tear it down. After years of losing that battle and constantly being on guard I honestly had lost all hope. The monster and the part of my head I felt was me agreed at last that things couldn't continue this way.

The last year and a half almost, before my eyes open after waking those invasive thoughts were there. I couldn't sleep because they were there. I walked out of job's intending to kill myself, in a zombie disassociated state, ended up in the hospital after the last one. The more I wanted to change, the more I removed unhealthy coping mechanisms like drugs or alcohol, the more I tried because I cared about people in my life and hated being this way, the worse it got. Eventually I fell back into self-harm because it was relief and honestly seemed safer than letting it build up. It was a black hole, everything I did made it more overwhelming. This may come across as very dramatic, histrionic perhaps but I know how bad it was. I know what a living nightmare it was being in that hell. Words can't do it justice honestly, and I am almost thankful in some ways the disassociation let me forget some of the hours, days and weeks I spent imprisoned and tortured in my own brain.

When I say this medication "almost" completely stopped these thoughts, I am just being as cautious as I can with my description. 5 days after starting Naltrexone they stopped. I woke up and laid in bed for minutes, and those thoughts weren't there. Some won't understand, and I am grateful for those who don't because that means they haven't suffered through it, but I certainly did not choose or want those thoughts on any conscious level. It wasn't on my daily planner- do dishes, check the weather, think about how much you hate yourself and how it would be best to die, get some groceries, shower and shave. They came from deep within me, and now that this drug is blocking that opioid receptor they just haven't come back. Maybe a handful of times I've had weak weak, almost reflexive thoughts pop in my head of self-harm or suicidal ideation, and they've happened when I'm tired and hungry and I've been able to be self-aware enough to recognize that, eat some food, and go to sleep. It's almost amusing at this point, like fighting tigers and lions for years and then a house cat attacks you- awwww how cute, you're adorable.

I don't feel fractured. I feel whole. I can send a text to someone and not dwell on a lack of response, not have to put a significant amount of effort into talking myself through it. If I don't get a response now, I think well maybe they're busy, maybe they're annoyed by my writing style (hahaha if you're still reading this maybe you are now too!), maybe they DO HATE me, and those thoughts happen in a split second before I realize I really don't know, and it's dumb on my end to let it affect my behavior, beyond being patient and waiting to hear back from them. A small example, but it and many many others have added up and left me feeling radically changed in a way I cannot remember. I'm still me, absolutely, maybe even MORE me, I've still got quirks and my personality for better or worse. For the first time ever though, and I can say that with full confidence, when I look back through all of my troubled years on this planet, I don't see weakness and someone who failed. I see someone that has a kernel of strength in them, one I very much contribute to the people I surrounded myself with- good people, and someone who has had a shit go of things and deserves better.

I'm crying right now haha, old ass man typing on reddit, covered in scars bathed in the light of a monitor. I can't explain how foreign it is for me to care about myself. And it's so sad I couldn't do it for so long, sad for me and sad for those I care about. I've been happy before, and I've obviously been sad before, but I've never ever in my memory (which is garbage to be fair) felt this in control before. The last few weeks I quit smoking weed, I certainly haven't self-harmed, I quit smoking cigarettes cold turkey, I've been exercising, I've been cooking and eating healthy, I'm down to like 2 soda's a week, I've been meditating daily, I've reconnected with friends I had lost contact with going back 25 years, I'm learning to code, playing guitar and singing, keeping my house clean, reading... I can't tell you how empowering it is to not have to fight off thoughts you know aren't right every waking moment.

I also believe the endogenous opioid system controls the placebo effect, which makes me hopeful that this is not something like that. The drug according to what I've read doesn't lose it's effectiveness, it doesn't build a tolerance. I'll take it every day until I die of natural causes, or maybe some crazy accident or whatever- but not as a victim to my own dark thoughts. I still feel good and bad, I just now am able to control how I respond to those feelings and thoughts. Oh I'm really irritable, well that makes sense on day 2 of no cigarettes, lets go on a walk, eat some food, drink a lot of water, meditate by the water. I have agency over my reactions like I never have. This is also something that I feel made some people concerned I was being manic- but I DO feel like I have superpowers compared to what the rest of my life is like. I don't think people without BPD can truly understand, and I don't think I would have truly understood before this medicine either exactly how bad it is. It's like a colorblind person and a non colorblind person trying to REALLY understand what it's like for the other, until the colorblind person puts those glasses on (I don't know if there are glasses that make you see like a colorblind person- not sure what the point would be there- anyway I digress) that lets them see TRUE color there will be an impossible gap between those experiences.

Ugh, well my sleep schedule has gotten on track but tonight I woke up and this was on my mind. I'm still signed up for DBT therapy, I'm still going to keep doing all the things you're supposed to. I want to be the best version of me, both just selfishly and so I can share it with my loved ones. Never been able to do that, truly. I don't want to give anyone false hope at all, but there is research out there supported this. Google Naltrexone Borderline Personality Disorder and a lot of research articles there, all fairly new- within the last decade. I think they will continue to find more about this as the years go by, just my hunch, they're making an opioid blocker specifically for psychiatric purposes currently according to wikipedia-Samidorphan. In the meantime I'm eating fish oil as Omega 3 (the EPA part specifically I believe) is supposed to help with some BPD symptoms, and taking some probiotics that supposedly help with anxiety and stuff. I'm a skeptic, and I look at the negative before the positive in most situations so no healing crystals or thoughts and prayers for me, it's just I've seen the peer reviewed papers that support those things might help. I'm also just some random ass tired guy on the internet, so again do not take anything I say as anything beyond just a personal experience.

There are only like 10 results on this sub when you type in Naltrexone. Nothing for opioid blocker. Plenty for opioid, I'm assuming related to illegal narcotic use. The results for pain are endless. I do understand the pain, which is why I'm compelled to write this out. I've contacted past psychiatrists to tell them. I think for at least some of us with this disorder it could be helpful. Again not a cure, but it stopped the biggest obstacle I was facing in being able to change and progress towards the human being I want to be, I deserve to be, and the people I love deserve to see and share the world with.

Thank you for reading, next time I write this much hopefully it'll be in a creative writing sub, but nothing wrong with a little auto-biography- write what you know right? I wish the best for everyone out there. If I can go from where I was to where I am now- it is possible you can too. I know if you're doing shit right now, those words probably won't reach you. I know they never meant shit to me. And that's why I'm here telling you, because even if they don't sink in all the way you still deserve to see it. There are ways to outsmart this.