So basically I like everything to have it’s place, and feeling like I have a clear, clean, space to express myself means my brain also feels less messy!
But keeping my house spotless like that, it’s something I really struggle with for some reason, particularly if I’m in a bad place mentally- because I don’t know where to begin and just thinking about doing a big tidy up drains me and makes me feel useless. so it’s like this awful cycle of wanting to clean and make everything perfect but I feel like shit and it just seems too hard- then as my place gets messier, it only makes me feel worse and makes it harder to do anything about it. I think a lot of that’s to do with my mum, she’s so good at cleaning, obsessive with it actually, and really measures her self worth by how neat she is.... oh shit I guess that’s true for me too 😂

But anyway a few weeks ago I was feeling really low and worthless, but instead of looking around and letting the mess make me feel worse about myself, I took it as an opportunity to zone out and just focus on cleaning, rather than just sitting, getting upset, listening to my inner monologue rip me a new one.
It really helped that my best friend, who is very understanding, came over and we cleaned the living room together and made it fun :) After she left I was still really enjoying cleaning so I spent a couple of hours going round the rest of the house making it nice and neat and rearranging my plants so that they look lovely and juicy.
Since then, I feel like I’ve found a new coping skill, any time I feel like my brains getting the better of me, I just get up and go tidy or rearrange something to take my mind off it- and it’s really helped! Because after I’ve cleaned I feel like my brain can’t say shit about me, because I CAN be productive and I’m NOT lazy and all those things I can tell myself afterwards- cause I’ve got proof man my house looks so groovy now! I cant argue with proof hahah :) Plus with the house being so clean it’s not felt so overwhelming. 
It’s just something small but I’m really proud of myself because it’s been really hard the last few months, and so I wanted to share with you guys! I hope I manage to keep it up, because although it doesn’t stop the bad thoughts (cause it ain’t all bout cleaning hahah I’ve got so much shit clogging up my mind) i feel like I’ve given myself permission to counteract some of those thoughts with positive things about myself instead of letting them consume me :)

And best of all I’m not cleaning to prove my worth to my mum or anyone else! I’m doing it because it makes me feel good.

Hope you all take it easy today, I’m sending love from my happy little flat x