The emotional pain. Ican't stand this and have run out of ways to cope that work. Fucked myselfup on most substances i can find and it no longer makes it stop, so ive quit all of them some time ago, females are poison, family doesnt even acknowledge bpd is real and will not speak to me for the most part, the girl i loved is gone, nothing is good in my life. I jsut want it to stop, icant take this anymore, even cutting barely relieves any of it.

At its worst i feel like there are hot razer blades inside me liquefying my chest and gut and its hard to talk, i can barely think about the simplest things and cannot stop crying, and even when i do tears still come out. There is an overpowering terrifying sense of dread and i feel so empty it feels completely raw inside. The way my family is makes me feel so isolated and alone it compounds it to a level i do not even understand. I do anything i possibly can to escape and slowly over the last couple years everything that used to help has worked less and less until now the noyl way i can make it stop is to blackout on benzos, but those are hard to get and last time (2 weeks ago) i was blacked out for almost a week and was arrested twice (once for "trespassing" on my parents property; i somehow found a way to their place 20 miles away and was asking my dad to talk to me at 2am). I end up just laying in bed if i can or autonomously going through the motions of what my grandma (whom i live with) wants me to do as she directs me to do the work of a workaholic paranoid ocd (her) that she cant physically do because of her age. If it doesnt stop at some point i end up just fucking shutting down completely, cant move, cant think cant do anything at all. The good part of being this is that as she berates and tears me down i get to a point where it hurts so badly every feeling just shuts down and i cant feel anything. This is heaven

At the best of times its a dull stinging ache in my chest and loneliness that sucks the happiness out of everything i can think of or do.

I dont know howto cope anymore, i dont want to live I wish i was dead or asleep forever, im only here because im too scared to go through with it.

I wish i had someone to hold em and that belieed how awful it feels inside and how crazy everything feels and that i truly cannot control it or what i do and the way i react to it.

i want someone to be close too, the thought of someones hand on my arm or chest makes my skin feel like its hurting because i want it so badly

ive pushed away most of my friends, and i dont blame then at all
