

Holly fuck.
Listen, i was arguing with my mother because of the religion. It's actually regular, it starts with my little brother and ends up with me and my mother.
But today. Something went wrong, horribly wrong. We were arguing again but then, after minute of silence she said something mind breaking, she said that i wasn't oldest in our family... which i thought i was my whole life, she said that before me she had twins, and before them whe had my potential brother, but she had some virus in her blood that were canceling pregnancy...
Yeah, no so funny, i could potentially had 3 older siblings. But... but... I'm crying rn

My life will never go back again, as I'm writing it my hands are shaking my head is exploding, i didn't meant this theme to go that far, so when my mom said that i stood there shocked, then fall, this time I've been crying as never before... after few minutes i rushed to my mother amd started apologizing and saying that I'm sorry really really sorry and that i didn't meant to say something this harmful, I'm such a trash, idiot, retard, piece of shit, i want to kill myself so hard, but i can't imagine my mither losing her fourth son...

I don't think she'll make it through if I'll kill myself, but i want to so bad, because I'm usless worthless idiotic bastard.

My head is melting, i can't i can't, but when i think about her i just can't do it.
I can't kill myself, I'm disappointment for our family, but even so i can't hurt my mother that hard, i just can't i can't no no no no no
I can't... i truly can't, mom if you will ever read this, I'm sorry for being disappointment, i truly am