So I guess I just need some perspective here. It would seem like I’m ok from the outside, maybe I think. But I’m slowly crumbling inside. First of all I don’t trust a single instinct I have. I always assume that what ever I’m thinking or feeling need to be re-thought or no actions because I mess everything up. I have all the boxes check that you think a person would want ( I would like a pool haha). 
I have got no one in my life. I have an adult son. So I did that. I left right sleep well, mostly. Have all my ducks in a row, as they say. 
Every single relationship I’ve had they have left me. I always try really hard to get them back. Hasn’t worked once. And no holiday plans of course because I have no friends and very few family, 3 people. They don’t  like me. I had no idea to the depths of my suckiness!!
I keep thinking about ending my life. Planning it out so there isn’t much of a literal or preverbal mess. Taking care of the finance part so that’s not a burden. because I’m failing to see why I’m alive if I’m not living. What’s the point of life if there is no one to share it with. Talk to, Do chores, yard work, concerts, camp, or just be with.