I'm living far from the rest of my family and Christmas has always been a nightmare for me due to also suffering from eating disorders. 

After making progress in summer and finally managing to actually stay at a hospital I thought something finally clicked. But autumn came and so did my anxiety. I've been relapsing repeatedly to the point that I feel worse than ever and admitting it makes me miserable. 

It took me one whole year to finally write something here because I always feel like such an imposter. I have the best boyfriend in the whole universe and a damaged but loving family...yet the mere thought of visiting them literally drives me insane.

I'm not even sure why I'm writing this...I don't want to make other people miserable reading the seemingly unjustified pain I'm in. It's just that I am so ashamed for being what I am and I guess I don't want to be alone with all those overwhelming negative feelings.

I hope I'm not breaking any rules and if I did I am sorry, that was never my intention.