I was diagnosed with BPD at 22, and I’m 25 now. 
I’ve lost a big part of my memory due to a panick attack, and since that moment my life has been a living hell. 
I constantly have intrusive thoughts or flashbacks of things happening but I can’t even tell if they happened for real or not. 
My psychiatrist told me I was raped in a psychiatric ward after attempting suicide, and I also get constant paranoia and fear of being followed which gives me massive anxiety. 
People told me I’ve always identified as a lesbian, but right now I don’t how to identify and feel like I should try everything to understand. 
I’ve also been in rehab almost 2 years ago, but right now I’ve started smoking weed again, because I’m so scared of all the nightmares I have and need some sleep. 
Also, I’m not always taking all the meds, because I’m scared they’ll get me numb, and I feel like i constant need to be in control in order not to let all the anger and frustration and whatsoever go out. 

Can anyone relate? Any suggestion on how to deal with this? 

Thank you 🙏