I’m 22, due July 1st, and terrified. I’ve been going to therapy/taking meds for my BPD since I was 16 following a suicide attempt. I wasn’t officially diagnosed until 18 though. 

At the beginning of my pregnancy my doctors took me off of my meds because there’s not a whole lot history with what my med does to pregnant women/fetuses because it’s newish. 
I was a monster almost immediately. I thought my partner of 3 years was going to leave me. It’s like once I was off my meds I went into overdrive being shitty to everyone around me making up for all the time I’d been stable. It was about 2 months of full blown breakdowns/wanting to off myself 3-4 times a week. At one point I woke my partner up at 3 am to tell him that since he doesn’t like me anymore then I would have no problem getting rid of the baby so he wouldn’t have to worry about dealing with either of us and that I was sorry for ruining his life. 

We’d been ttc for about a year when I got pregnant. We both wanted her and are both very excited. I remember telling him that and screaming at myself on the inside not to say it but not being able to stop myself. He and I talked a few days later and agreed the risk was worth the reward to restart meds and I’ve been fine ever since. 

Now I’m just terrified about how I’m going to fuck up my daughters life because I don’t understand how I can be a good mom. I’m so scared that she’ll end up having BPD too. I’m scared that I’ll say something to her like I did to him. As I get closer to my due date even my rational mind is saying “she’ll be better off without you.” I don’t know how I will live with myself if I have episodes around her.