I hate how unrealistic my fears of abandonment truly are. I constantly try to please and reach out to someone who says they care but makes no efforts. Idk how it made it this long and I don't understand how I can feel this way but I do. 

So, I've expressed my need for this person so many times in my life. I have tried picking up their hobbies interests and likes as a way to bond with them but yet it never seemed to get me closer to them. I idealized them my whole life and I still do but I just feel so abandoned emotional by them. 

No matter how many times I've reached to them it always they give the same excuses and empty promises on the lines of they don't want to inconvenience me. I've only wanted them to be there for me and as clear as I see they don't and as much pain as it causes me I continue to put my mind, feelings and thoughts through hell trying to get that. 

I have decided to have NC with this person now and I honestly feel extremely hurt but at the same time so amazing bc I know this is the last time I allow them to hurt me or devalue what I feel inside about them and myself. I was never good enough like I've truly believed the entire time.

The sad thing is is that I know I could live out my life and stick to my decision and never look back. That I can cut someone off that plays such a huge role in normal people lives but I feel nothing but self hate and loathing when they are in mine or rather I struggle to have them in it. 

This isn't a romantic relationship. It isn't a fling, an interest, a lust. I've always felt abandoned by this person. And when I pursue a relationship or to better myself with this person it devastates me every time. 

I wish he knew how much he impacted my life even though they feel they don't. I would have done anything for this person and all I ever got were empty promises and I continued to reach but I can't do it anymore. It is literally destroying me inside and if I let it continue to happen I will never make the progress I need to make.

I love you Dad I just wish you were there. I wish you understood how much you impact my self doubt and self worth, you always have. I just wanted a relationship with you but I'm done obsessing with it. You should feel lucky I tried this hard for it, no one else ever got that much time and they gave so  little. 

Feeling extremely depressed but I am the way I am bc of everything you couldn't do and all the things and the emotions you simply could never show me. Idk who I am bc I constantly tried to be someone you wanted to be there for. 

I have no self worth, despise myself bc if my father can't love me how can anyone else or i? I've tried replacing you but unfortunately I can't, I've always went out of my for someone who only had empty promises to offer me with no action. You have spent your life unintentinally making me believe I am not worth loving and I truly believe it. 

I love you but I have to love myself more now. If you keep proving you don't care why the fuck should i? Because I can't help it, I always want what I can't have and feel I'm not worthy  of the things I can. I will destroy everything and every relationship I ever have And I accept this unfortunately. Wish I could say it was fun but truly this one was not. And you will never understand and for that I am so sorry.