TW: self-harm

I often wish to be injured or harmed or to get sick and when it happens, I usually mimick the expected normal human reaction like being sad, angry etc., but inside am actually happy about it.

I think it's probably because I always felt like my parents and other people around me never took my mental problems seriously and as a result I learned to really internalise this stuff and pretend like everything is okay, so when something physical happens to me, I really enjoy the feeling of people seeing I'm hurting and caring for me.

This is a thing I'm very ashamed of, I think I haven't admitted it to any of my psychiatrists or therapists over the years. 

Also, every time I have ever induced self-harm, it was with intention that a specific person would notice and see that I'm not doing well.