 I went through a pretty rough breakup a few days ago and during as well as after I wasn't exactly the nicest to my ex partner.  I knew I wasn't being the kindest but things haven't been swell for quite some time and my sadness tends to manifest as anger.  Last night I spoke to them whilst pretty emotional and they told me they haven't been in love with me for quite some time, and basically that the way I act and my behavior kept them from loving me.  They told me they stuck around because they were scared of me/ thought I would change, and that I need to do some growing up... and they were right. Though it was a huge wake up call, I do not know how to change. I've been in therapy for a while, but I feel as if it's futile and I don't know how to "fix myself".  Knowing that my shitty actions have caused me to lose the person I loved most stings, but not as much as knowing that I have tried over and over to "get better" to no avail.  I feel horrible.  I don't know if I'm manipulative and vindictive, or just ill and trying my best.  I want to be able to be "normal".  I want to be able to have normal relationships and not be constantly causing issues.  I wish people could understand the way the gears grind in my brain, I wish someone could just see that I am trying so hard yet still just a prisoner to my thoughts. I feel so self pitying and like I'm victimizing myself everytime I talk about my problems, especially this specifally but I know it's my fault it just hurts.  I yearn so hard for a brain that isn't mine.