Make a throw away if you need to. A huge symptom of my BPD is in fact cheating. Lack of object constancy coupled with always feeling abandoned, and then combined with being incapable of leaving a relationship even when I want to. 

It’s fucking horrible. I compartmentalize and rationalize but I know that’s not the real me. The real me cares deeply and values honesty and love. 

I thought I would grow out of it but I’m not. 

My therapist says it is a long term goal to grow out of this. First we need to look at what it is giving me and find new ways to give it to myself. I want to be optimistic but it’s hard. 

To be clear—I don’t always cheat. But it’s happened enough in my life for me to feel deeply disturbed by my own actions. 