Little advice?

So I’ve been considering therapy I’ve seen all the videos of people using this stuff for advice, should I seek therapy or what should I do? I come from a single parent family and idolised a troubled dad, both my parents want best for me but they don’t know the half of what I do, I’m well behaved I don’t do drugs or drink all the time nor get into fights, I work go to college and just get on with things but I’ve gone through troubles in my walk of life, I was cheerful but seemingly comfort eating for as long as I can remember while also maintaining the idea the world would be better without me seemingly for no reason. This ran all the way until secondary (high school) and roughly around year 9 when I started liking women and the idea of relationships I began doing rather embarrassing exchanges of indecent photos fully consensual and everything but eventually the inevitable happened and I was caught doing so and as a result lost all confidence in myself and began to hate myself in a sort, this progressed until about early year 11 (final year) and I’d only just had sex for the first time and finally felt somewhat comfortable apart from the odd joke and boredom from working little side jobs to find future plans I thought I met the love of my life and seemingly not. Long story short my inability to control emotions alongside struggling with the toxicity of the relationship due to it stemming from casual sex and no foundations and us both being new to relationships while she came also from a broken family and had a disorder like BDP and was on antidepressants. I may not have been emotionally outgoing enough to satisfy but I didn’t subsequently deserve substance abuse infront of my eyes in disapproval as well as physical spurs of abuse alongside self harming infront of me that I couldn’t stop and finishing at sexual assaulting me. I loved her but it got toxic and I’m unsure if that was a result of me getting raped by her or her constant disobedience towards my moral compass that I tried to enforce to get her life back on track but not forcefully just more an advice way because I cared, things eventually ended and I’ve been single for nearly a year now struggling to keep anything going relationship wise due to my younger self digging a hole out of the lack of self respect so with a tarnished name and then accusations of rape I struggle to find anyone who either hasn’t seen indecent photos heard fake stories or accusations towards me is like a needle in a haystack and I’m filled with emotions of hate towards myself but also me questioning if I’m some sort of monster like a sick and twister version of primal fear or split and I’m the victim of some sort of multiple personality disorder or just like a sociopath due to my inability to differentiate emotions and feelings towards myself and others I’ve considered therapy and stuff but it seemingly us a lot of hassle and breaks my whole theme of keeping silent on being raped and stuff and I’d much rather keep it secret too. What do I do ?
For clarity I did not rape her and I was victim to about 3 rapes I remember and don’t block out I don’t want pity or belief I want help and advice I can’t end it all I don’t have the nerve so seemingly I’m gonna have the squeeze all happiness I can by fixing the mess I created so any help?