Hey everyone, just needing some support/advice. I’ll explain the situation, but it’ll come off more as a vent.

So I fucked up. I really fucked up. I really went through it. It was the most aggressive, most consistently on/off BPD spiral I’ve ever had- a constant heightened sensitivity, emotional instability, constantly on/off irrationality, for 6+ days (it is waning out now).

Context: it’s been a pretty bad past few weeks for me, BPD wise, thanks to uni student politics. Last Thursday was the final election, and the one I felt most secure in. It was for Queer Officer at my university.

There were 2 positions. I didn’t get in, but my best friend (friend A?) and other friend (friend B), did.

I became so angry, impulsive, irrational, aggressive towards friend B. It was one of the most horrible BPD spirals I’d ever gone through. I did so many horrible, irrational, impulsive things, such as:

- make angry, irrational tweets on my private Twitter (of which my closest friends all follow, including friend B) of which sounded like aggression, or threats (“I wanna kick them so bad” “I want them to suffer”)

- caps-lock texted friend B saying we weren’t friends anymore, yet congrats, yet I also hated them?

- spilled my emotional BPD spiral nonsense onto the “vent” channel of our large friend group’s Discord server

- made vague, “subtle” (or so I thought), undermining comments regarding their ability to lead, in group chats we share with friends

- ignore them, avoid them while at a common social event with comrades and friends

- sent snapchats of me crying to friends, including friend B

- call them a bunch of times with no answer/declined calls on Thursday (first day).

So yeah. The most wild, constant, unstable, irrational, impulsive, angry BPD shit I’ve ever gone through. It’s been 6 days and I’m still feeling it, though all the emotions are waning in intensity. But, they are still there.

Just now I have learned from friend A of how friend B feels of the whole situation. Friend B:

- they have been “stress vomiting” because they don’t know what to do about me

- they feel unsafe around me

- they feel threatened; I was aggressive

- my political concerns I had over their win over me are actually made valid as they consulted the correct authorities to make sure it was ok (which makes me feel invalid in my concerns)

- they don’t know whether they should talk to me or not. (As evidenced in them leaving me on read/not responding to my messages.)

So yeah.

I’ve really fucked up.

Friend B doesn’t understand my BPD (while friend A does) but that doesn’t make my actions any better. I am in a limbo state where I still feel irrationally angry..... yet so guilty for everything I’ve done.

The kind of guilt I feel is BPD guilt, too: overdramatic and grandeur guilt, “I must lie down my life for you as exchange for making you feel that way” guilt, self-hating, shifting sense of sense guilt, “I am absolutely the worst kind of person ever” guilt, “I should never ever do anything ever again” guilt, “I must escape this life and live as a hermit and never talk to my friends again” guilt.

So, yeah. I just want some nice words, or words of encouragement or support, please.

Mainly advice, though.

Please help me out in how I am feeling? Please support me.

I am safe, but vulnerable from spiralling again. I don’t want to spiral again.

(And I should definitely use this resource of r/BPD more often.)

Please help me? With advice or support? Thank you!