TW : ABUSE and DRUG USE


So ima start this out explaining why I'm in the situation I'm in. When I was 14 a brother gave me alot of pills and told me I wouldn't end up addicted and he did them all the time and they aren't bad. Well I ended up loving them, at 16 I did my first line of heroin. When I was 17 I started shooting up, I did that for 5 years then got clean. Fell a few times but got back up, now I'm have more clean time than using out of the last three years. Well last year I got me a boyfriend I thought It was time to go exploring my sexuality a bit again (I'm a gay man) me and him had a blast for the first 6 months, then he told me about his mental illnesses which I told him was no problem I have my own (anxiety depression and ptsd from almost dying 5 times) then things started getting dark and strained and he started verbally abusing me, then one day during a worse than normal argument (about 9 months in) he smacks me so hard both my ears ring, a week later he acted like he was gonna run me over in his car and punched me in the face hard. I broke up w him for a few weeks till he started going to therapy and taking his meds. Well he stopped both after a month or two. And after a couple months he starts verbally abusing me again, so I broke up with him for good. Its been almost a month and I've been pretty solid a few tears and break downs. Then I made brownies, without realizing that was me and his thing when things where amazing (I mean it was everything I wanted most likely love bombing tho) and fuck it hurts so bad, I did everything I could and none of it was enough to stop the abuse. I wish none of this happened I wish he was still here but the way he was when I first met him. I did everything.... and lost myself in the process. I need help but all my friends are dead or in prison for horrible things and I'm not gonna reach out to him. Idk what to do, I've been in my room or at work like 95% of my time since we broke up.