my boyfriend and i are trauma bonding. he realized this now and i always tried to ignore what trauma bonding is and tried to make our relationship work but... i ruined everything. he's definitely a victim to my continuous fucking bullshit. 

i have hidden things from him out of fear of dissapointing him even though he begged and asked me to not be scared and i have been making him feel like he doesn't matter to me in so many ways when he is all that matters to me in my life. 

i love him so much but i feel like i'm ruining his life when i'm here. i'm seeing all my faults everyday and i'm more transparent than ever with him but he is so low. he is always sad with me. i don't blame him at all, i don't want to sound like i blame him. i made all of this happen and i'm trying to fix everything to make him happy and be with him. i never intended to hurt him but i have. 

how can i stop my fears? how can i stop lying?i have stopped lying to him but i want this to stay stable and to be better than ever. how do i become better??? how can i make things better and stop this trauma bond stuff? i don't want to lose him. i love him so much and everything he is. but it feels like that's what i should do. but i don't want to lose him. he has broken up with me so much. he is so confused. he feels so much disdain towards me even though he actually truly loves me and has always loved me from the fucking start. 

the time i have spent with him i have learned and grown alot but i honestly don't fucking want it if it means he has to be in pain and hurt from it. fuck. what the fuck do i do??!?? i am not in therapy but i called a psychotherapist and i didn't get a response yet but i need fucking... help. fxuxukfkdbdbd. why am i so awful? i wish i just didn't have this disorder to begin with. i wish i didn't have any fucking issues to begin with. i wish i was a normal person. i' mso fucking tired of being mentally ill. of being me. i hurt the person i love the most. i can't even look in the fucking mirror without feeling immense disgust and guilt.