So I haven’t been diagnosed or anything. I’m seeing a therapist Monday to help figure this shit out. But I feel like I’m at a low point and I want to vent. 


I would say starting 3 months ago I’ve progressively been feeling more and more “off.” I don’t get as much joy from most of my hobbies, I don’t have motivation to do anything. I feel exhausted by doing anything it seems. I can’t focus on anything at work. I don’t have as strong an urge to go on dates anymore.


Before this, I felt like I had more confidence in myself than I ever had before. I thought I was massively charming in every conversation, and I could tell people were interested. Now I sort of just assume everyone is either annoyed by my presence or they’re just pitying me. I know logically this isn’t true but I can’t shake the feeling. I don’t even feel confident talking with my longtime friends anymore it feels like. I used to be very into any topic I was talking about and now it feels like I only care to talk about my cat. 


Sometimes I’ll have individual moments where I feel a spark and I get out of it. But then within a day or two it all comes back. 


And the damndest thing about all this is I don’t know why. I’ve always been someone whose self reflective and in my own head, and I’ve tried to think of reasons why this is happening. Some theories: 

* not being satisfied with my job. Started the job in January so maybe it’s me realizing I don’t like it as actual responsibilities roll in? But I’ve hated jobs before and everyone is super nice. 

* around that time a girl I was dating for a month that I really liked had to move away. But that happened a full month and a half earlier. 

* got a cat. But honestly she’s the only thing bringing me joy lately. 

* from too much weed or alcohol in the past? But I’ve never felt like I was excessive and I’ve really dried up my usage in recent months. 


I just don’t know. I feel like I’m grasping at straws for reasons and nothing quite explains it. I’m young, I’m finally living in a big city where I have friends. It’s the summer. I should be thriving but I feel like I’m wilting away. Could this be depression? Can it just sprout up like this?