This will probably be long and I wrote a little about it the other day so sorry. I recently cheated on my fiancee who I love dearly. I don't know why. I don't exactly k ow what cause me to do it. But it was multiple flings in short periods of time. I snapped. It's my fault. I confessed. To be fully honest it was 5 fucking times. 5 times on 2 trips. 4 with guys and 1 with a female prostitute. After the first trip which was two guys, I viewed it as ok I was curious but it wasn't my thing so I wanted to bury it and never say a word. It was eating me up but I couldn't ruin mine or her life. Then a month later I went on another work trip. Big fuck up. Vegas. 2 guys. Then one prostitute. These times alcohol was heavily involved but still not a good excuse. I feel terrible and like I wasn't myself. I confessed. She did not find out. I told her the night after I got back. It was the worst night ever. Literal he'll. Threw away 4 happy years together. I still can't get over it. I always though I had bi polar but went to Dr the next day or 2 and they quickly identified that and previous stories from my past as clear borderline personality disorder. My life has been a fucking mess ever since getting the diagnosis a little over a week ago. Just sheer chaos. I'm trying to work on myself but I just hate everything about me. I've gone to a few therapy sessions but I feel I've already thrown my life away. What good is it now. I think the only person who loves me is my mom. If she wasn't alive I 100% would kill myself. I really don't have a will do live. I hate what I did to my fiance. I've been struggling with lack of emotion for some time now. This is the first I feel like I'm "feeling anything" in a while. But it's way to overwhelming. I don't even feel like I'm gay either. I just did it because it was easy. I didn't learn anyone's names. I just used people. I really don't know what happened to me. My life got so off the rails. I describe it as I've been on autopilot for so long. Yet I feel different almost every day. But now autopilot doesn't work, and there are a bunch of passengers relying on me, but I never actually learned how to fly the plane. And I have to act like I do. Every fucking day. It truly is hell. I feel really really bad. The only 2 positives I can take away are that I now have gotten closer to my mom (who I've always pushed away and been very negative towards. My issues come from my dad not her)  and that I clearly do have feelings. But I ruined my fiances life. 

I have started therapy and DBT sessions will begin in a week or so but I do not know what to expect. My will to live is pretty shot and goes up and down and up and down. I started Journaling but I keep splitting and pointing out issues in our relationship. It's like I'm still trying to catch her cheating. It's fucking ridiculous. Now I'm feeling bad because I feel like I stole 4 years from her. Even though the 4 years were mostly really really good in my opinion. Shit just kinda hit the fan over the past month or 2. I lost control. 

I keep having this fake argument in my head. I hear her saying you stole my life. I can never get back this time. And all I can respond with is that no one is giving me back all the time I lost going through the hell I went through growing up. No one stopped that. My mom and I went through hell and people just let it happen. I understand I can't just hurt people because I was hurt. And I know what I did was wrong. I know I have problems. I didn't mean to hurt her.  I just didn't even think about her. I didn't think at all. I never think. I've done so much stupid stuff over the years. I hate it. Now that there is an actual diagnosis it's all getting to real.  No I have to face the fact that I truly live a nightmare everyday. And the one part of it that was good, is now gone. People say suicide is selfish. But is it?  Is it more selfish to make someone deal with their pain day in and day out just so you don't have to think about it?  If I did it, people would eventually move on. But I live with my pains every fucking day. I don't know what mood I'll be in tomorrow. I don't know if I'll freak out over something little. If I fucked up her life, why can't I decide my punishment? The death penalty is a thing. Why go thru the red tape when you can expedite it. 

I promised my fiancee (probably soon to be ex) and my mom I wouldn't do anything stupid so I'm trying to hold to that and I think I will keep that promise. But it fucking hurts. And I really don't think see why it would be selfish of me to do it. I'm open to hearing others thoughts.