I can’t afford to see anyone. I’m getting so much fucking worse, i’m deteriorating so badly. I cut myself last night for the first time in a few months. My boyfriend fell asleep and I grabbed his pocket knife and did it; but it was dull so I barely even got scratches out of it. Afterwards I just... felt unreal. My limbs were too heavy yet too light, I could barely think and I was doing that stupid thing I do when i get like that where I speak in a higher pitcher softer voice. I just want to feel alive again. I hurt myself so I could feel alive, but it didn’t even work. Now I’m stuck at work feeling my pants rub against the scratches on my thigh, and you know what? I enjoy the feeling.

It doesn’t feel bad. And I’m not even sure that I regret doing it. I don’t know. I just don’t want to live anymore if I’m being honest with you. I made this account so that I could seek help from others but honestly, is help even worth it? I just can’t feel happy anymore. I can’t feel anything but a dull ache in my heart, the slight rub of my pants on my thigh, I can barely even feel my own body. I don’t even look right in the mirror, there’s something off and I don’t know what.

This is a cry for help honestly. I don’t know how to cope. I don’t know how to feel anymore. I feel so dead but I’m not... What do I even do in a situation like this????? Everything just feels so pointless. Does anyone else even understand what I’m saying? I’m not even sure that I do...