Happy? Fulfilled? Aware of my own body? Okay with the past and the future and the present and just sort of chugging along while I wait for August to come and bring me my dream job...

The last year of my life has been an insanity. I don't even know the word for it. I throw around a lot of things: psychosis, breakdown, break with reality. Several back to back suicide attempts, cutting, literally holding a knife to my neck in my boyfriend's apartment while he and a friend who flew out to be with me cried.

Holy shit. I went into an inpatient program, mostly CBT and stabilization. Almost ended up with ECT but chickened out at the last minute at the thought of general anesthesia many a time over the span of several weeks (it's odd how much I wanted to be dead and how scared I was of death).

Today's my last day of my step-down IOP which was completely DBT oriented and...Jesus christ. The stability. The okay-ness. The happiness. The self worth.

I didn't think I could ever feel this way. I didn't think I could ever not apologize for being me, for acting out behaviors I learned because I had no better role models. For constantly destroying relationships until there was nothing left.

And I'm here. I'm alive. And I'm in my body. I never realized how dissociated I was until an intake physician pointed it out as something they were worried about. I was literally not in reality. I thought everyone was against me. 

Going into this, I never saw an out. I never saw a light. I never saw a "better" or even a "slightly better" or a place where I wouldn't hate myself/feel suicidal/want to hurt myself/binge on alcohol and mix in xanax and have tons of blackouts/relapsing into an ED.

But I've forgiven myself. I've let so much go. I'm 67 days sober. And most of all, I feel more *me* and more alive than I think I ever have.

Don't give up. Stick in there. Stick with it. 

I never thought I'd say this, but it can get better. 

It works if you work it. 

And work it 'cause you're worth it :)