Originally posted this in a sub about not contacting your ex but since this is heavily influenced by my depressive state, I decided to post this here with a few changes.

Preface this by saying I have struggled with depression since I was a teenager and it has frequently effected my relationships.

So at the the end of 2021 I (34m) got back together with a girlfriend (29f) in my hometown and it was honestly the best period of a relationship that had been dragging on/off since 2019. I had to go back to another city for a few months and the very next day I got there, she decided to break up again. It fucked me up because I suddenly lost my best friend who I saw and spoke to everyday when I got back to a city where I had no friends and was lonely as hell, but I respected her decision to do what she thought was best for her well being.

I then spiraled into a deep depression that turned suicidal, which set off a series of events where my mother and a friend had to go help get me out of there, move back to my hometown to get better psych treatment.

It was then that my ex just showed up a few times to my (now estranged) fathers house where I was staying at the time. I hadn't talked to her in 4 months. I asked her not to visit anymore, told her I was not the person she used to know and that what we had was never going to happen again. Moved into my friends house after my father threatened to kill me (threatening to kill a suicidal person is so absurd its actually funny now, looking back), when she started visiting again. I tried to explain to her, again, that even though we still love each other, my life was so messed up there was no way in hell I could handle a relationship with her. I didn't even know where I was going to live in a week.

I ended up begging my mother to let me live in her spare bedroom as I was broke, 15k in debt, unemployed etc. Cut to two months later and my ex asks my mom to let me know she emailed me, to let her come visit and maybe spend the night and this is where I fuck up. I was so fucking lonely and in need of some affection and human contact that I said yes. I thought I might as well make someone happy for a day or two in return.

She came over on Sunday. We ended up kissing and this is not an exaggeration when I say I felt nothing. This overwhelming dread washed over me when I realised kissing a person I love did not make me feel good, it made me scared for my life. She constantly talked about how happy she was that I allowed her back into my life, how this was perfect for her and all she ever wanted. I didn't wanna lie that I felt happy when I didn't, so I just kept saying I was glad I could make her happy. She went home on Monday and I intentionally made no promises of a next time, no plans for anything else.

Today shit hits the fan. She is constantly messaging and emailing me, pissed off because I'm not responding. I try to calmly explain that I'm not ready to get back in to contact, I don't even use my cellphone anymore nowadays since I've isolated myself from all forms of social interaction because of depression and recent traumatic experiences, how it was an extreme effort on my part to even interact with someone for two days.

She started popping off about how I used her, how I'm now discarding her and that she does not deserve this. Mind you, this woman has broken up with me once because I went to my bands rehearsal even though I told her about my plans a week in advance. She will dump me at the drop of a hat if things are not going her way and I always respected her decision to do what's best for herself. I apologised that I made her feel that way, that I had made a mistake, I always feared this would lead her to believe we were getting back to some normalcy and respectfully ended the conversation.

I fucked up, I really did. I let a moment of weakness, loneliness and an overwhelming need for human contact and warmth stir up an old, complicated relationship. Now I feel like absolute shit, I'm the bad guy that "uses" people even though I asked to be left alone several times. I want to be done with this person. Over the years it has been more detrimental to my well being then it was enjoyable. Blocking her where I am able and I'm really hoping this time I can break free from this bullshit.

I've been struggling with anhedonia for the past year but the inability to feel anything significant in the two days I spent with her has got me terrified. It has depleted any hope I had left of "getting better", to start feeling pleasure in doing the things I used to live for, to be able to love and be loved.

I am on medication but not in therapy at the moment, after two years of weekly sessions, because I'm tired of spending money I practically don't even have, fighting so hard just to be " normal", to be able to function and not be absolutely miserable all the time. Never mind being actually happy, I've written that off as an unrealistic goal that not being able to reach only frustrates me.

Sorry for the huge post, I realise this makes it harder for anyone to actually read but this site is pretty much all I have left to vent. Thanks for reading if you did.