I'm not diagnosed but I'm pretty sure I have quiet bpd. I don't randomly explode on people, self harm or anything I just have random depression spirals and breakdowns in my room at night or when I'm home alone because I know my mom and sister will find a way to make the situation worse if I experience those things when they're around. I've gotten better though breakdowns don't last as long as they used to since I've long recognized how hopeless things are and no amount of crying/breakdowns is gonna change that so I just use large amounts of escapism and brought things to cope/distract me from my terrible feelings.

Anyway, has anyone else find that their fear of abandonment is rational? I never connected with anyone in real life and only connect with one person online once every few years if I'm lucky. Whenever I do make a friend I never seem to get any peace. I get constantly worried they're gonna leave for some reason and they always do. I never show any signs that I'm worried about them leaving or get super clingy. I do have very few moments when I'm clingy but not clingy enough that anyone mentions it to me. (I am working on not being clingy at all in case the smallest bit of clinginess isn't tolerated but not mentioned by people) It's starting to dawn on me that maybe I'm just meant to observe people but not be a part of their life in any way but my dumb brain is gonna take a while before fully giving up.