I’m a guy in my mid 20s, and my history with everything is tumultuous to say the least. I tend to suppress my thoughts and feelings when I fall in love, turning into a people pleaser. This always blows up down the road, either in a crazy text meltdown or passive aggression. I’ve been working very hard though to be more mindful of how I feel. If my feelings are hurt, then I should either express so appropriately or let it go, not ruminate and have it come out as toxicity. 

I’ve been dating someone new, and when I was being sexual towards her (we’ve had sex already), she asked me, “what are you doing?” Now, I logically know she wasn’t trying to hurt me. She was stoned, her voice was neutral if not playful, and she redirected me to cuddle her. But it FELT so invalidating for her to say that, like I was violating her. If she just wanted to cuddle, fine, but I felt hurt being told in that manner, like I’m some kind of creepy loser touching someone that doesn’t wanna be touched (I do notice this is my own self shaming, she never implied or said this at all.)

I had a mini text meltdown the next day that took all my energy to not turn into a relationship ending meltdown. The night after, we talked on the phone, and I think we had a very mature communication of what happened, with me recognizing that my inhibition around expressing myself and my personal insecurities have nothing to do with her. She said she felt overwhelmed by my texts, yet for the first time ever, this didn’t lead into breaking things off. I’ve been given a second chance, and I swear to god I’m gonna keep my insecurity in check. All I want is people, someone, that will stay in my life. I’m so tired of driving people away with my abandonment insecurity. I really want to keep love and friendship this time. I really do. I don’t want to drive her away. I really don’t. I never wanted to drive anyone away...

In related news, I’m starting anxiety medication tomorrow. I’m excited and maybe hoping for too much from it.

Thanks for reading.