Hi, me. Nice to meet you. 

...Oh. And you? Ah, okay. Sure.

Hi. New poster here. I'm still learning about BPD since my diagnosis. It's a **borderline** personality disorder. I get it. Heavy on the borderline, hold the crazy sprinkles, please. (Those are for "meltdowns". New term, yay learning!)

It's been just a few months since I was pinned with the shiny BPD badge, made bittersweet because of the 10 years spent wandering around a foggy brain with a cracked smile and a "I'm okay, no really!" attitude while privately torturing myself physically and mentally over symptoms I had no words for.

In short, a diagnosis that was the metaphorical Dobby sock I never asked for, but really, *really* needed.

Being real for a second, it is *such* a relief to finally feel like I am beginning to understand myself! 

Let me paint a foggy picture, because goodness knows I don't remember half of the shit I do. Since the age of 16 (\*Sigh\* Hard to believe those were my saner years...), I believed I had anxiety and depression. That's what I felt, that's what I told my doctors I felt, that's what I had. Boom. Queue Rocky montage to greater mental health and freedom!

Right?

Nope. Fast forward through a steadily declining mental state, blah blah blah, years of hating myself because my emotions seemed so much louder and harder to wrangle than those of people around me but having no reason to believe that was true, so really I was just weak and whining, right?, so ignore, distract, ignore, accept I am just broken and the best way I can spend my time is distract myself like everyone says, do better, be better, stop focusing on it, stop stop stop... 

End result: Disassociation. Yup. I know what that is now, too. \*Thumbs up, eye twitch\* Time spent being shoved into the back seat of my mind to try and avoid feelings too overwhelming for me to cope with. Fun times.

I have always believed googling your symptoms is a recipe for disaster. BUT the flip side of that shit-coin is, it turns out, when you don't know how to explain what the heck is going on in your head or what you're feeling other than a foggy blanket sense of anxiety and depression, doctors can't diagnose you properly. Go figure. Enter an extensive list of medications that did jack other than make my better moods practically non-existent and you have completed this course in my mental health history. Gold star. 

\*Knocks\* Anyone still here? 

Anyway, long, boring story short, my brain has been a jumbled mess for so long, but I am *finally* connecting some dots! Something I currently have under my shiny new microscope (bringing it back to the title topic of this post) is the two people that seem to be sharing my brain. 

I think I'm the first one. Maybe. 

Unless I'm busy being the second one, of course.

Following? That makes one of us.

So, for my own use and maybe for anyone else out there going through something similar and can relate and potentially be made to feel better (WE ARE NOT ALIENS!), I will be posting words here. Sometimes they might even make sense. Baby steps.

Next post I am setting a goal to distinguish these "personalities" a little better. Flesh them out with some details. (I use this term loosely because... weird.)

So, yeah. Hi. \*Waves\* Potentially also bye. Who knows how long I'll commit to this. 

Ooo, something shiny! \*Wanders away\*

&amp;#x200B;

&amp;#x200B;

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