I don’t know where to begin. I feel like people are unaware of the fact that your childhood really affects your upbringing. I had everything, a house to live in, 2 parents, food, clothes but why wasn’t I happy? Over the years of my childhood, I was constantly gaslighted and bashed for simple things. I was the scapegoat of my 4 siblings. For example, if my brother got a 70 on a test, they’d tell him to improve, enlighten him to do better. But if it was me, I’d get punished, banished, yelled at, and my parents would keep this grudge against me. I never understood why. I was quiet, in my own business, never spoke unless it was necessary. Back then, it really hurt my soul. I wouldn’t show it but it really fucked me up. My dad would always intentionally make me jealous by praising my sister, making it obvious that he loved her way more than me. Love is a strong word. I mean liked**. Honestly, I really didn’t care, yeah it would hurt because at one point I was his golden girl, but now it was her. It got me feeling self deprecating, led me to suicidal thoughts, made me think things I didn’t want to think. It affected my mental health really really bad. I’d lose 2 pounds in a week just because of this asshole. I mean, all I remember was just crying, having true mental breakdowns, just wanting to end it all. You know it really hurts to see your dad whom your suppose to love just shower your siblings with love and care, and leave me in the dust. My dad knew what he was doing. I loathed him for that. He would hold a grudge against me for small, stupid reasons, make stuff into a big deal, and overly exaggerated stuff. I stopped showing my achievements from a young age. They never once appreciated my hard effort, they would think school is my only thought and in a way it was- a distraction from reality which I would eventually have to face, right? My dad would call me names- horrible names that HURT my ears. Shit like “Good for nothing” , “You’re a lost cause” and a bunch of ugly names in Urdu. It just really broke me because my siblings never once acknowledged that mistreatment. Instead, they would get joy out of me being punished. It really shook me to the core because not one person defended me. I hated all of them for that. I also thought my siblings didn’t like me either. During family dinners, my siblings including my dad would just target the fuck out of me- provoke me into saying something regretful, try to make me mad. I promised myself that I was going to make them regret this in the future. I told them when I grow up, I’m moving out, moving states hell even countries away and if they need money they can go fuck themselves. I wanna become powerful and dominant over them. Make them regret what they did to me. I want them to feel that emptiness and loneliness that I felt when I was a kid/teen. I hope they regret everything. I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried everything.