I feel so shitty right now I can't help but rant on here, not sure if anyone will read it but who cares at this point

I'm so sick of being on this never ending emotional roller coaster.  I'm so sick of not being able to tell when I love or hate someone.  I'm so sick of my self esteem jumping around constantly, of the self harming, the drugs, the overwhelming guilt, the self-hatred, all of the bull shit.  

I am so sick of the fact that my anxiety is some how gotten so bad that I have entirely socially isolated myself and I haven't left the house more than three times in the past 10 nightmarish months, two of which being for 72 hour holds.  I am so sick of the fact that I am so afraid to leave the house I can't even go see a therapist.  

I am so sick of the fact that my father acts like he cares about how I feel despite the fact that during my early teen years he constantly belittled, criticized and judged me and was always the first person to remind me of the fact that I wasn't social and had no friends.  The man that was supposed to build me up was always the first to knock me down and remind me of how much of a fucking loser I was.  Always there to make me feel a little shittier, but of course the man "cares".

I am so sick of the fact that I will probably never live a normal life.  How it feels like I will never be able to get out of the house ever again and I am going to die in this place without ever having lived a normal fulfilling life and I will be stuck to live here being a burden and regretting everything I've ever done or didn't do, only growing crazier day by fucking day until I finally can't handle it anymore.  

I am so sick of being sick and I just want to finally get better and leave this all behind me.