The worst of my symptoms manifest during and after emotionally charged abandonment within a romantic context. Breakups. During my last two relationships, I tried so hard to be a really great boyfriend. For multiple years in each instance. Then I threw that all away within hours when I perceived justified breakups as abandonment and allowed my innermost demons to surface with typical BPD self-righteousness. 

I consider these two circumstances among the worst things I've ever done in my life. I have nightmares almost nightly where I imagine myself in the fall out of having actually killed one of these two women. It's terrifying and the guilt is obscene. I'm routinely suicidal for as much as days following one of these dreams. 

The problem is that I can't apologize. I've tried to reach out, but both women have blocked me in every perceivable way. I've sent messages to mutual acquaintances, I've handwritten letters, I've created new email accounts to send messages. Nothing is ever returned. Nothing but dead air. 

It almost feels like neither of these relationships ever happened, which really does not help with my de-realization. I can't move on and get over it because I do not feel forgiven. It has been over a year in one instance and more in the other. 

Both relationships were extremely close and serious. Both lasted multiple years. Both had serious marriage implications. I was in my late 20's for one and early 30's for the other. I'm turning 35 soon. Both women were my best friend at one point in time. These were 2 of the 3 closest relationships I've ever had with any other human being beside family. 

And now there is nothing. I don't know if I can live with the fact that I will never hear from either of them again. I am in no shape to date again, even casually. I worry that if this continues and the dreams don't stop, I will need serious intervention. 

Thanks for reading. 