I live with my partner and brother in a small apt. All three of us have had shitty childhoods, I always joke about being dropped as a baby for never remembering mine.

We all moved in together at the start of 2020 (just as the pandemic was starting). My partner and I had actually just lost our jobs so we were both unemployed for the first time in a while. 

We have a history of self harm &amp; I remember spending much of early quarantine physically fighting my partner for whatever object he had that would have been used to hurt himself. It was really bad for us at that point, but I kept going every day. I was still going to school at this point but I eventually dropped out and have yet to return. 

We push through somehow and then my dad passes away early 2021. I had a complicated relationship with him, especially since he was deported while I was still in high school and I felt like I never got to see the dad in him. I have major daddy issues and his death has destroyed me. I’ve felt so alone ever since then. I had to travel to Mexico to see the body and retrieve the ashes. My partner went with me but he largely complained about his discomfort the whole time. My family’s mourning has always come first. There’s no space for me to mourn him, and it’s been over a year now.

 Since my dad died I can’t help but feel like I’m always pushed the back. Like others and their issues are always at the forefront &amp; like no one can take the time to comfort me, to take care of me, when I’m sad or sick or hurting. This is what hurts me the most between my partner and I. I’ve been there for him almost every time he’s needed me to be, but it feels like he thinks that I’m not in as bad of a place as him so I don’t need his help. Anytime I need him it feels like a bother or a chore, or when I can’t do my share of tasks because I am constantly so tired and have no energy to get out of bed, I’m lazy. And even if he doesn’t say it directly, it passively feels that way. 

Talking to them never helps, they’re not really listening. They promise change but it doesn’t. I have to care for everyone else yet no one cares for me the same way. When I’m sick I’m still caring for others and taking care of myself. 

I’m just so sad and I’ve had the worst thoughts but no one can even see it. I’m just floating around.