I know my depression is mainly based on how much I hate myself among other insecurities but I still sometimes wonder what I did wrong to deserve something this horrible.I have so many high set goals for myself that I want to achieve.I want to accomplish so many big things and just be the best version of myself but litteraly 1 disorder that is supposed to be all in my head is litteraly ruining everything for me.It has gotten to the point that I can barely do easy stuff without feeling mentally challenged and miserable.Now Iam finally trying to recover from this it seems that wanting to recover from a mental illness isn't as easy as I thought it would be.Or medication,like I thought it would be an option for me so I would finally get better but nohohope,side effects,other people's opinions and so on are making me even more anxious and depressed than I was before.I'ts like I can't escape this anymore.I'm tired of never actually being happy and always being scared wondering what is going to happen next.Nothing in life gives me enjoyment anymore.Iam trying my hardest to get out of this but I feel like a heavy sack of potatoes that is being held back by something or someone while Iam trying to move myself but nothing is happening.Idk what to do tbh.I just wondering what I did wrong to end up like this and if things will ever get better.

I have a session with my therapist next Monday to discuss my fears around medication and I hope it will clear some things up :(