Fuck this week. It started when I finally got to get into a psychiatrist after a month of being on a waiting list and saving desperately to afford the $500 fee only to have him barely fucking listen to me, have him yet again give me a completely different diagnosis from anything I’ve had before, like every psychiatrist I’ve seen before him which has only added to my confusion about what the fuck is actually wrong with me because of the huge list of potential illness I’ve been given by “professionals”, and adding to my frustration with the whole mental health system and making me wonder why I even bother fucking trying to get better in the first place because it doesn’t seem possible. Then he sent me home with some new drugs (Lamotrigine this time and upped my Lexapro) which have done fuck all as I’ve only deteriorated since I’ve seen him. And I paid him $500 for the fucking privilege so I can’t even afford a second opinion.

Then my $1200 graphics card shit the bed after only about 2 years of using it so I can’t play any games at all without my PC blue screening. Spent my last $500 on the appointment so I have no chance of replacing until who fucking knows when.

And now I find out that my city has gone into lockdown again because of COVID and all the gyms are shut for at least 2 weeks. So there goes the last fucking coping mechanism that I had after I was doing so well with going to the gym every single day without fail for 6 weeks. I don’t any friends or family at all so I don’t know anyone who has a home gym or equipment I could borrow and I don’t have any workout equipment at home, nor can I afford to order any online. 

I was already struggling as it was the past couple weeks, getting more and more depressed and angry, fighting back urges to self harm or drink or starve myself. I didn’t have much to be happy about beforehand but now in a few short days, the only good things I had have been ripped away from me and I don’t know what to fucking do. I want to destroy something, I want to take a fucking shotgun to my head.