I've been struggling with depression for around 18 years ish, I was diagnosed with BPD and PTSD about 3 years ago, I've had therapy and am about to go back for more, there's no way of saying for sure but it's a fair bet all of this was caused by one man, and that man is my brother. I'm 5 days removed from the first anniversary of a suicide attempt, I've just lost my best friend as she's no longer able to deal with the pressure I put on her, and I've just this week started back at work on a phased return.  Today was my last day in this week, I've only had two 4 hour days, but it's progress nonetheless. I've just got home from work and I've received a call from my mum informing me of the news of my sister in law giving birth to my niece, and while I'm happy the baby is healthy and as is my sister in law, I'm a bit frustrated that this is happening now. This seems to be my reward for going back to work... boo hoo, crying emoji, etc. 

For further context me and my wife have wanted a child for a while now, but suffice to say sex isn't something I enjoy or look forward to in anyway, in fact some times it's simply not something I'm capable of doing. As such conceiving is somewhat challenging. My wife has also just found out about this news and she's basically inconsolable, she's angry/jealous that they've been able to have a child and we haven't. She doesn't think it's fair that he's been able to have a child, whilst his actions have in effect stopped us from doing the same. I feel similar, although to be honest I don't feel the same sense of jealousy or frustration that they have a child and we don't, I see that as my fault. If I was healthy then we would also likely have a child by now.

So I'm writing this because I'm a bit of a mess, I don't really know how I'm going to cope with this, I'm really having a tough time as it is and while I knew this would be coming it's still hit me like a tonne of bricks. I am safe though, I'm not suicidal, I'm just gutted. I'm also a bit worried about the child's safety, although the relevant authorities are aware of the situation. 

Erm... yeah. I'm sure things will improve, but life is incredibly hard at the moment and I need it to get better pretty soon. I'll be fine, I always am, I'm just a bit tired of all this.