  

**YOUR EMOTIONS DO NOT UNDERSTAND CONTEXT**

The aim of this will be to ramble, dissect and unravel the confusion and trauma I’m currently experiencing. I have been the victim of mental abuse and manipulation most of my life. I don’t really care for this judgemental view that I’m ‘being the victim’. I try my hardest, I have always struggled to hold down responsibilities and relationships. Due to an alcoholic mentally abusive father I developed several neuroses that I would drown out with cannabis and alcohol. At this point in my life I have been diagnosed with BPD and generalised anxiety disorder. There are MUCH WORSE off people, I am fully aware of this, but people generally need to understand that people who have what I do tend to commit suicide because of the extreme emotional lability. I have often been nervous when writing these personal things to apportion ALL the blame onto my parents but there were fundamental issues there that need bringing to the surface. My dad would come home from work and berate me daily, call me a loser, ask why I can’t just be normal. SCREAM in my face to the point of spitting. The alcoholism and toxic environment that I grew up in was just so detrimental to me and after speaking to a kind gentleman at my local crisis team daily I’m starting to piece everything together. A failed attempt at university prior to my successful one later in life proved to have a major catastrophic effect on my mind and my memory. By this I mean I took way too many drugs and was generally out of control. Ketamine in particular gave me audio hallucinations and I ended up with a random patch of grey hair shortly after the first time I used it. I have never felt so utterly obliterated mentally. I think I have recovered slightly since then, but this is almost ten years ago, and I still feel the itch I can’t scratch. This is all just context, my emotions do not understand the context. I did not understand the implications of my actions or the consequences. If I could go back I would do it all differently, easier said in hindsight though.

I was with ’R’ for 7 years and it was a very good relationship bar one or two major incidents, one being my cheating that ended the relationship, and another time where she left me for someone else about 3 years into it. She was basically my best friend for my whole adult life so losing her was a key moment in my life when everything seemed to start falling apart. My mental health was already on the decline as I was drinking and doing drugs more than usual – especially the drinking. I made a stupid mistake with somebody I don’t even find the least attractive, but I told her about it the very next day. We broke up, remained in the same flat and I found messages from some other guy on her iPad. I lost control, punched a mirror and severed the tendon in my finger. Shortly after we argued, and I screamed ‘why the fuck are you here’ she proceeded to move out. I have no qualms with admitting this was all my fault and responsibility, but I would add that, like I said before, my mental health was really spiralling at this point. It has progressively gotten worse ever since then. 

I have had very strong upheavals and traumatic events, one after the other. It’s not my fault for all these things, I try to be good and I’m trying to get better. At the end of the day, I was mentally abused, cheated on and manipulated twice in a row by two histrionic women – ‘L’ and ‘S’. I was blindsided by their beauty, apparent charm and intelligence. I always seem to be drawn to these socially mobile, open, seductive women that mirror me and promise me the world. Once they find out your cues, your weaknesses, your hopes and dreams, your worries, they keep it locked and stocked ready to unload in the form of revenge for the slightest act of disobedience. I am permanently scarred from these experiences. L was the worst one, by far, maybe because she was less scrupulous with her infidelity and lies, was just so openly sociopathic and so it ended after about 3 months. I’m annoyed I still even contact her when I’m low – knowing that she took advantage of me self-harming and being low after R left me. Basically, with S, I could tell she was sleeping with other people, her questionable behaviour on Instagram and other social mediums made it obvious. A generally immature level of emotional maturity was something I noticed in the pair of them; I feel sorry that they crave constant male attention using seduction. But the difference with S is that it seemed like she really didn’t understand that her behaviour was inappropriate, yet she was bright, so I couldn’t buy that. I guess I just gave her too much of the benefit of the doubt.

So, to wind back a bit to before I met S, I was very low at my parents’ house, no job, no real friends. I really did not want to be in the same house as my dad. He makes me anxious and we clash. One day we really did clash – he threatened to punch me and said if he hits me I won’t be getting up. My whole family turned against me and presumed it was my fault. Unbelievable, really, that because my dad has money and pays all my brother’s bills for example, and bankrolls my mam’s café, they all have massive cognitive dissonance about what happened in the past growing up. I will never forget. Ever. I messaged her as I do when I’m low, thinking I can resolve all my issues by falling in love with that perfect woman. I was shocked that she was reciprocal, she is unbelievably attractive, in fact I’ve never been more attracted to anyone in my life. I think a lot of men would say the same thing. Unfortunately, due to her upbringing (abusive controlling mother and absent father) she never really developed emotionally, as I’ve mentioned previously, and uses it for her own sadistic gain. She openly says ‘men are dogs’ and that she ‘wanted my soul’, and I think also that because she was sexually abused at 15, this has played a part in her attitude. Anyway, I was kicked out of the house and made homeless by my own family. Again, utterly unbelievable. One thing after another, one setback after another. 

I reluctantly had to live with S and her mam, I really appreciated the hospitality but there was something all too devious about their relationship. Something was awry. I’m not sure who the victim really was, and I still am not. Painting one person as a villain isn’t necessary people will say, but I am trying to figure out who she really is. I feel as though it’s a bit of 50/50 with them both, her mam is clearly histrionic also and due to her age seems to be drowning in alcohol and mental health issues. Again, I relate with this and I do feel sorry for her. But she was regularly abusive to S in front of me. But I would also notice S say hurtful things, call her all sorts behind my back and to her friends. In fact, she would bitch about her supposed best friend, who appears in all her profile pics, saying that her buying a house in her area was ‘creepy’ and ‘weird’. She always made me feel as though it was us against the world, but as it turned out, she was smearing me the entire time.

When sitting in her car with her in the early stages, I could tell she had low self-esteem and was warmed by her openness. On the first date I could tell she was putting on some type of act and there was something else underneath and if I’m totally honest, I was also putting on a bit of a show; I never desired somebody that much ever, and I don’t think I ever will again. Red flags began to appear left right and centre. She would show me all the DM’s, messages and things relating to other men that made me question her behaviour. She came across as totally innocent and would profess her innocence in the most dramatic fashion. I fell for it. One guy who I knew from the past barely had clearly become a member of her harem, one of the supplies. He is mates with her ‘best mate’ another guy I know. That in itself was another odd thing. She would tell me she’s a tomboy and she gets on better with guys. She later told me she used to sleep in the same bed naked with him and he had plenty of chances but never tried it. God it’s so embarrassing reading this out loud and realising how much I’ve been duped. Anyway, this guy was messaging her in front of me saying I’m a worm and I’m this and I’m that – basically trying to rid me from the situation because he wanted to fuck her. If I knew what I know now – that she has a whole host of these types of guys, some that she uses sex to seduce, or at least dangles the possibility in the form of flirting, then I never would have gone down the route I did. I ended up threatening him on Instagram after she did one of her many discards on me. She called the police and made a statement which was confirmed by the policeman who interviewed me. She was FURIOUS that they said she filed the complaint, called them up and screamed ‘why are you saying I made the complaint?’ Looking back, I think she did, she cried and claimed innocence the next time I saw her and I fell for it. I was arrested at 5am, my pc and everything taken as if I’m some kind of peado or murderer, yet S was in my bed when the police came to my flat, which kind of made the whole thing redundant and ridiculous. Fundamentally, they were under the impression that I was capable of murdering her and I was a loose cannon, and this attempt to lynch me was corroborated by both S and the guy who called me a worm. Regarding the discard phases I experienced in the 9 months we were on and off -  It was always over something ridiculous, it was always related to me wanting alone time and her insatiable need for approval and attention. In retrospect, she would clearly just say to me we were in a relationship, but not display anything on social media and made it appear as though she was very much single. In fact, she wouldn’t even tell men who DM’d her that she was with me, and somehow convinced me it wasn’t important. There were so many men that were clear threats that she would dangle to triangulate me and then laugh and say I was paranoid. The fact I smoked a lot of weed and have for a long time kind of makes it easy to blame my thoughts on paranoia. 

Basically to wrap this all up (I imagine most haven’t made it this far), I dumped her after realising she was only interested in herself and I was only interested in the sex. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do because I also couldn’t bare the thought of being alone and someone else getting her sex. So I STUPIDLY contacted her again, 3-4 weeks later. She did the same act, claimed that she isn’t interested in anyone, that she did love me, and she is confused. Invited me over on the Friday, she was teasing me endlessly, but said she was on her period, looking back that was clearly an excuse. We did some minor foreplay but enough to warrant me thinking she wanted this again. So she tells me she’s going to her mam’s house, in constant contact with me, I assume everything is fine and I believe her story. She even shows me a pic of her mam’s garden. Then at some point in the night she texts me really drunk saying BINNY which is my pet name. I was stoned and had work at 6am, so I just said I’m going to bed night. No response. Basically that was her testing me for the constant attention I needed. 

So bank holiday Sunday came and things started to get very strange. Her attitude to me completely changed, she was like why are you being weird we’re never getting back together, I’m just going out with my friends to have a dance I’m not interested in anyone. I knew she was talking absolute shit. All the lies from the past began to flood into my mind, my worst suspicions over the course of the 9 months began to become reality. She puts me on mute on whatsapp and I am spamming relentlessly, as BPD’s do when they feel abandoned. She knew EXACTLY what she was doing. Eventually she replies at noon the next day. ‘WHAT, Ben? WHAT DO YOU WANT’, as if I was somehow pestering her even though she has told me she still loves me but she’s confused. Her replies to my email didn’t sound like her at all. She had liked this guys picture on Instagram and I was sure he was in her bed. I used to see him out in town when I was with her and he would smirk at me as if he knew something I didn’t. I even said to her when I broke up with her, ‘go with him, he’s soft in the head, he will take your manipulation.’ So I lost the plot said the most hurtful things I could concerning her appearance because I know how INSANE it drives histrionics if they get criticised in that way. She calls me a creep (knowing she has baited me into this with false promises), says she just kissed someone and I was paranoid. I check his Instagram story and they are together in a car. I fully realise how duped I’ve been and my whole sense of reality comes tumbling down. She has been doing this the whole time. She has been discarding me then going to him or someone else. 

So in my midst of rage I send him messages on Instagram offering him out. All his mates pile on this thread on one of his pictures. He seems like he doesn’t want anything to do with fighting me and lets his mates do the talking. One of his mates then sends me a message saying that he was round her Saturday night ‘tonguing her asshole’. I said but I was with her Saturday, not realising I meant Friday, he sends me a picture of them naked together. My whole soul drops to the floor. I am utterly devastated. Why would someone lie and draw them in again just to hurt? I know it’s because I dumped her. I know it’s because during the times when she discarded me I’m probably the only one who has ever told her the truth about herself. I would say the worst abuse I could during abandonment but I would always apologise and we would get back together. In retrospect I think she played up to this as if she understood my issues but secretly got her revenge with infidelity. All the times we got back, she would say 'yeah I kissed \*guy shes with now\*, but i never slept with him, he did ask me back though.' 

&amp;#x200B;

My advice to BPD sufferers, DO NOT attach yourself to someone you simply LUST for. Pay heed to your gut instinct, be firm with yourself, notice the red flags and try not to be afraid of being alone. Because when it comes tumbling down you will be way more alone than you were previously.