The pills help me sleep at night because they numb my brain enough to help me forget myself and all the shitty things I've done to deserve this this alienation. I don't want to remember what I've done and what's been done to me. I don't want to hear the incessant voices in my head speculating all the ways it could be worse and likely will be. I'm so tired of the noise. I'm so tired of the stress. I feel like I will never know peace from this gnawing insecurity that any and everyone will only want to take what they can from me and give little to nothing back in return. Like I'm just a transaction waiting to be completed in the eyes of my fellow human. And that this is the only way I'll subconsciously ever be able to perceive others. Like we are all just objects waiting to be used up until we are no longer wanted or needed. I want to feel like I'm enough for somebody, but I don't think that reality can ever come to fruition. I will witness the decay of my sanity in real time, and I will do so in solitude and silence.