After two month of spiraling and nearly imploding my whole life, I decided to suck it up and try to talk to my FP about my insecurities (as opposed to the temp Psychiatrist's advice to just go no contact).

I meant to just try to rationally explain that I should of told them sooner how some of the things related to our friendship have been triggering me and ask for their support. More or less I truly saw the ways they care about me but things like having me start all our interactions and getting radio silence otherwise trigger traumatic memories.

I'm struggling where it's unfair from so many angles. There have been times where I was justifiably upset with how I've been treated by our friend group as a whole in the past but I feel like I've started to ask for a lot from them out of no where. I'm not entitled to everything that goes on in their personal life, but my need for that knowledge stems from someone else important to me completely hiding something from me even when I asked them about it. The happened to become friends with my old friend group who are genuinely nice people but have also been transparent to my FP that some people in it absolutely hate me (the sad results from being undiagnosed back then). I accepted loosing them long ago and wanted them to be happy but this recent development keeps exacerbating old wounds along with fueling the panic of abandonment as I'm forced to watch from the outside. 

Unfortunately right before the talk, they had to make an unplanned stop to see a person from said old friend group and it sent me into a panic attack where I was splitting. My thoughts kept running, "how close have they gotten to the group?" "What if they like the people in the group more than they like me?" "What if they don't need me to spend time with them anymore now that they have the group?" "What if they start dating someone from the group? The last time that happened, I was distanced from that person because of the group's hostility towards me?". My hands were shaking and I went unresponsive. I even hit my head with a balled hand and it just is notable because it's not something I've ever reflexively done before. We made a first call attempt but we sat in silence for two minutes because I couldn't speak.

I can barely recall what I actually said the second call, I just remember it being disconnected, manic, and awkward. I know at some point I basically said I was scared of them getting a girlfriend, the way things have been with the old friend group is hurting me, and the most unfortunate was bringing up that whole possiblity of having to go no contact. They were kind, they said I was justified in asking for more back from them and they would try to do better, and that they understood me needing to stop talking to them if they couldn't do that. They even reassured me that they probably wouldn't be getting in a relationship where they currently lived, I felt like the child of a divorced parent in a way. 

This should of been good because I pretty much got what I was looking for but I still just feel bad. I'm worried I added onto the already bad day they were having. I hate that the way I vomited my words might make them think I blame them for any of this when I really just wanted to express that regrettably I couldn't stabilize my disorder on my own and need their help. I want to just send them something, just because it's the holidays and just because I want to cheer them up from an unrelated shitty situation but I'm scared it'll come off at trying to force things better after that call. 

I just want to make them happy and be comforting to them. There are so many other things that should be way more stressful in my life that hardly phase me. Somehow all the family, financial, medical, and household problems feel minimal; they are awful and depressing but they will just happen as they happen. Even the other friendships that got harmed as a side effect feel solvable, even needing to address the same things I did with my FP feel easy to do. The only thing stressing me right now is wanting to knowing if I get to see them soon, if I get to be held by them and get a kiss on my forehead from them, and if I get a chance to better communicate these things like I know I could if I saw them in person. 

I'm sorry, I don't even know what support I'm seeking tonight. Everything feels so frazzled like my situations pare pathetically simple while also being extremely frustrating and impossible to find a simple answer for. Maybe I need to be seen and have someone laugh with me that I managed to make someone; who I currently don't and unlikely will have a romantic relationship with, comfort me that they don't really plan on dating much more right now.