Today is one of those days. One of those days where I just didn't wake up right. One of those days I just want to give up and I just keep imagining why I just can't let go of everything.

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I have being a jaybird people with a heavy need for care for more than 10 years and in this time even though some things have changed, I am still not able to do basic things of my daily life because I'm not able to afford caretakers. I depend on the help of a part-time caretaker and my ex-wife who is moving out of the house. I am quadriplegic, so, doing things alone is not an option.

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It's complicated to depend on someone that is trying to move on with her life mostly because my whole situation became a burden between us. It's not her fault, I understand that accumulating the roles of wife, mother(4 our son), caretaker, housekeeper, and still trying to find time to work took a heavy toll on her and she was really strong trying to keep everything together during our romantic relationship. I am just glad we ended things and could keep a friendly relationship.

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Even though things are like this, it's not a sustainable situation to be living together with my ex-wife and son. To be able to move on we have to be able to be in separate houses. The only thing I have to complain about her is her attitude. There are a lot of subjects that I'm just not able to talk to her. I can't find the words, the way are the moment. She was raised by a narcissist mom and I understand that she has defense mechanisms because of that, but I am just tired to be on the receiving end of the attacks of a person used to be attacked all the time. I understand but I am so tired...

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I am still trying to find a work just so I can be able to make things bearable. I am an ESL teacher and I can give glasses online, but my life is it is right now does not allow me to organize much my routine so I can advertise and manage commitments death needs to work on a schedule. I have tried to reach for help but I couldn't make anyone listen. I am in a conundrum where are you I need money to pay caretakers to be able to have a basic routine in my life again but I can't do it without help or without finding work and I can't do these things because of a lack of routine... Am I making sense to you?

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I just don't know what to do anymore and to be completely honest, I would have done something to check out early quite some time ago but I don't even have the physical condition to do this to myself alone.

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 I am trying day after day to keep going, to find ways. My son is my biggest joy in life and I wouldn't want to miss everything he is going to do yet, but I also don't want to feel like a burden to him, I don't want to see him sad because I just can't go to my wheelchair to spend time with him that way he wants. I am so tired of suffering alone in silence and there's so much more to say but I don't even know where to start. These thoughts we're never translated to words before. Every chance I had I would just cry, but nowadays it feels like I don't have the strength not even to cry anymore.

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 I am really sorry to bother anyone who read it, I'm just feeling like if I could, I would have exploded already. I never imagined feeling anything like this in my life. I can now understand the meaning of the word "overwhelming".

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 To make things worse, the political situation in my country has been making things harder especially in the last four years or so. I am not keeping not even my medical appointments in order. I am so sick and tired I'm feeling so lost, angry and desperate.