I have to give context to this before the story, I have been celibate for 4 years and recently went on a date with a person I met via a dating app, I have avoided dating for two reasons; 
1. because it’s my biggest trigger (I’m sure most of you would agree it’s yours too). 
2. I’m an exotic dancer &amp; I think I would end up quitting my job if I got into a relationship.
My moods have been relatively level because of this choice but I decided to give dating a go again, the problem is I forgot how overwhelming &amp; consuming it feels to be interested in another person on a romantic level.
The person seems to be a really lovely, genuine &amp; level headed person - this is where my issue is, I’m terrified that I’m not good enough, all I’ve had to rely on for work and life the past few years is my “stripper personality” in other words, a toxic “I’m hot, don’t talk to me” defence mechanism that has kept me safe from triggers the past few years. The dating interest is so accomplished and attractive it terrifies me that they will see how hollow a person I truly am.
I’ve been practicing yoga &amp; gaining confidence and thought I was on the right track, but it’s like as soon as I met the person all that came out of my mouth was self deprecating comments.. it felt like I wasn’t in control of my words. I could see it was making them uncomfortable but I couldn’t stop. I lied a couple times too, it’s messed up because they weren’t lies that i said to appear better than I am, I literally said things with the intent of them viewing me badly, I guess that’s the “reject before you’re abandoned” impulse rearing it’s ugly head again. 
I ended up sleeping with them on the first night, but it wasn’t (or didn’t seem to be) an issue and we went on a second date the next day. I worry that I come across as needy already and I feel really out of my element. Every fibre of my being is telling me to block them and never speak to them again. It feels so dangerous, like I’m at the cusp of two paths, either I can block and carry on keeping to myself OR begin the painful cycle of messing another thing up again. 
I could sit and lie to myself saying the “this time will be different” story and idealising them but I think the best thing for me to do is run. But I’m so deeply lonely, all my friends think I’ve become A-sexual because I portray it as though I’m not interested in dating, I pretend it’s because I don’t care about sex but the truth is I just don’t even recognise the person I am when I’m dating and I don’t think I can do it. 
I’m already devaluing them for not wanting to meet a third day in a row &amp; not yet responding to my texts. 
I’m so frustrated at myself, I really started calling myself a recovering borderline but this has made me see how far from that I truly am.