Hello. I hope I picked the right flair and all. I was leaning towards the DBT one but this one seems more accurate. Sorry if it isn’t. I’m going to do my best to portray this as accurately as possible.

My BPD was at its absolute worst about 2 - 3 years ago. A lot of it is a blur but I remember being angry all of the time over things I had no proof over, and I’ve been told by parties involved that I’d get emotionally and verbally abusive. I have no reason to doubt these claims and I regret it a lot.

I ended up buying some self-help books, about four of them, and I read them. I think they helped, but I don’t remember how I helped myself during this time.

I think I’m doing better with my BPD now, or at least better comparatively. There are moments where I will get angry as a first reaction but they’re less often than they used to be. Let’s say maybe once a week or two compared to several times days. But now I feel that my first reactive emotion to perceived abandonment or like... something that showcases *my* inferiority is often sad or anxious. Sometimes annoyed. If I feel that I’ve been lied to, I react with abusive anger. There was only one time this year where I acted like how I used to. Most of the other times I’ll just come out with a bold opener like “I can’t believe you lied to be about x” instead of asking instead. I’ve also been told that when I get an idea in my head, I don’t listen, that we need to go in circles until i hear it for the 20th time and then it sets in. 

I really struggle with checking my emotions before I react, and with stopping my thoughts from spiraling. Everything becomes a sign that I’m not good enough and not worth keeping around.

Sometimes I feel like changing is pointless and that I won’t ever get better but maybe that’s not true. It might be a side effect of abuse. But I want to get better for myself and for the people around me. I don’t want to keep straining my relationships. 

I don’t have money for DBT at the moment, but I want to help myself. I just don’t know where to start. Which DBT exercises will actually help me with my specifics problems? Which ones have worked for you? Can I even change or should I give up now?