I (20F) have struggled with keeping friends ever since high school and it's caused me to feel so worthless and mean, even though I'm actually a really empathetic person who has a pretty easy time making new friends. Most of the friends I've made I now don't talk to anymore because I've ruined things one way or another, and it's an ongoing cycle that's occurred with at least 6 of the close friends I've made in the past 6ish years. 

My BPD, anxiety, ADHD, and depression combined make me a huge overthinker and I am constantly reading way too much into things. For example: when a friend can't hang out because they have plans with another friend, I feel replaced, jealous, guilty, and then tend to start asking for reassurance from the friend that they don't hate me, and then this leads to more anxious behavior, me sending long guilty "I'm sorry" texts, and eventually driving a friend away because I'm insecure and anxious. It's so hard for me to tell myself that other people can have other friends and do other things without me, because in my head if I'm not their "best friend" or whatever then I equate that to them hating me or thinking I'm not good enough. I don't talk to my best friends from high school anymore because I've gotten jealous and anxious about them joining new friend groups, getting into colleges that I didn't get into, being better at school and sports than I am, etc. It's more of an internal jealousy/anxiety that manifests into asking for lots of reassurance, reading into things too much, and just not being able to have a good time because I'm so preoccupied in my thinking that "they don't like me" or whatever. 

I'm in college now and am struggling with an awful depression episode that caused me to withdraw from classes last term. I was in bed for weeks and didn't really talk to anyone. I'm at risk of losing 5 of my extremely close friends and roommates, and I sent a text today that I feel extremely guilty about. I'm at home now, crying and feeling absolutely worthless because I can't keep stable friendships, and friend breakups hurt me SO much, I don't know if I can handle 5 more. I don't know what to do.