I'm not good at anything, I've known this for a while and so for as long as I could remember I never do things I know I would fall. In short I avoid pain/bad feelings, this works for me in that now I am an unemployed hermit with daily thoughts of suicide because why even try.

Until one day I saw a popular psychologist (with authentic credentials so it's not one of those gurus) who was answering a question I've had for a while and their response was to stop avoiding pain and just do the thing. I said ok, everything I have done has gotten me here let's at least try.

I hope they eat shit, I hope they are forever burdened by the people he 'helps'. I'd like to stomp on them until their skull is crunchy. 

So I said hey, I'm not completely brain dead, I can do a thing let's sign up for the military at least if I wanted to kill myself I get a nice send off. I did the aptitude test and failed but not just failed- I didn't even touch 50%. So brain dead? 

I hope their 3rd and 4th generation are a bunch of cripples. 

I was right, i hate that I am right. I walked all the way home and now my feet hurt. I'm such a loser. I want to make it stop I'm so tired. There's nothing I can do, I've always been garbage. I hate that I knew it wouldn't work out but I listened to some bozo on the internet. I'm never doing it again. I'm really not. 

I really need to think about what I do next because I tried multiple times to get good but I'm never good enough, I will never be good enough.