I've struggled with depression for many years, and still do. I've engaged in many unhealthy behaviors and choices, and continue to do so. 

BUT ILL BE DAMNED IF I DIDNT GET A FREAKING WIN. I finally beat that little bastard and signed up to a gym. Then went the first day. Then the second. Then the third. THEN THE FORTH. Ive been to the gym almost daily, since the holidays kinda mess some schedules up. Its becoming my routine, easier, simpler. My goal is only to go no matter what. Doesn't matter if its just for the massage bed, or to actually work out. No expectations, and only do what I feel like. Ten years of succumbing to the weight of depression. The guilt of the fallout. Knowing I can be better, but couldn't talk down the monster. 

Guys its hard. Its so freaking hard to wrestle day in, and day out with your own freaking brain. To be your own worst enemy, while still pretending that monster is a part of you. Its not, its an imposter. Its not ok. It must be dealt with. I spent so much time soothing myself, saying its ok to feel down today. Its ok to call in to work for my own self soothing help. I realized ive been feeding it. Letting it win. Slowly but surely I became what I thought was just giving myself a break. Screw that. Every damn day I'm going. Fuck this shadow always haunting me when the sun shines. 

Just thought I'd share just a small win, and damn it feels good to know every day I win again. There is a light friends, you must find what it is to you, and you must never stop searching. Friends these are tears of joy. Never give in.