It's been a while since I felt the sadness about her passing. I went on a dissociation ever since she left. It has been 5 years since she passed, and those whole 5 years I did everything I could so I dont feel hurt. For 5 years I do not remember how to feel. All I know is anger and loneliness. Ive been running and running from the pain, tho Im on therapy for PTSD, Im not on a position yet to mourn for her. And now Im crying like a little baby knowing I couldnt hear her voice again, I wouldnt feel her warmth again. In my dream we went back to the bedroom we shared, and I told her I didnt wanna be there, she held me, I felt her, and then I woke up crying so hard. Her face is so clear, We went back to all the things we used to do, eating street food, her leading all of us younger siblings where to go... I couldnt...

She was the strongest woman I know, always had helped people out with everything she can and she have. A very selfless lady, very warm and she truly cares. On her funeral there was 300 people all mourning for her, most of them I know, but some of them I didnt, and the speeches took a long time, they all shared how she touched their lives. She was 26 when she died, left the baby she was so excited about and never get the chance to hold him. I miss her so much, she was a psychologist and back in my own country, she had excelled in school and was able to graduate phd at 24. she was there the whole time I (we) were both recovering from sexual and emotional abuse. She'd always wanted me around, and I felt so guilty for the days I failed her. Many times. I wish I could turn back the time where we could run errands again, go to protests again, go places for medical missions and the like, singing and playing guitar at the top of our lungs. I just want to be with her, I wanna talk to her, I wanna know what she would say when Im in pain, I wanna know how she felt delivering the baby, what she's gone thru the whole time she was pregnant. She has so much wisdom, so much to offer, and I need her, since I was 5.

I said sorry to her when she was in her coffin, lifeless, not the woman I used to know, It was painful, but I ran from the pain, from the memories, and now little by little its all coming back. It might be time for me to start honoring her, her life, our experiences together. I still couldnt accept her death, She was the strongest woman I know.