I've been reading a lot about BPD and Narcissicm over the past few years.

I'm male, 41 years old.

I have an unofficial diagnoses of having 'light' BPD mixed with some narcissism, which is logically unsurprising given that I've realized that my mother is Borderline and my father is some sort of variation of a narcissist. (He's reaaaally nice, and 'humble' and everyone loves him)

The way I would describe my mother (BPD):

* Hypercritical (I would sweep the garage and then she would flip her shit if she found dirt in a corner behind a bunch of stuff)
* Absolute clean freak (our house was a like a pure white hospital)
* Constant worrying that I would 'end up on the street addicted to drugs without a job' (this is not based on anything, I got OK grades, went to college, landed a career very quickly and literally never did any drugs or smoked a cigarette, paid off my school loans pretty quickly)
* Total lack of physical and emotional safety or closeness (the thought of being close to my mom makes me nauseous)
* Complete lack of encouragement or positive reinforcement (Good job, don't screw it up next time is the best compliment she gave)
* Emotional volatility, mostly rage and anger (I have a distinct memory of her throwing a full plate of food because my sister (5yo) dropped hers)
* Threats of self harm (Didn't directly say these things around me as a child but she did 'disappear' for 24 hours once, which I don't really remember, has definitely described wanting to 'drive off a cliff' multiple times when I was older)
* Lack of choice (I didn't have to do what she wanted . . . but if I didn't, she would emotionally punish me by cutting me off until I did it)
* Wanting to control my life (Haven't you done X, Why don't you do Y, You need to Z, your house is too messy, you haven't saved enough, never buy a new car, always clean everything over and over, well I never X so you shouldn't ever have to either)
* Never apologized for her behavior, typically wanted us to comfort her after she had a meltdown

I finally went no contact with her several years ago which has been very positive.
In my last conversation with her I asked her to get therapy, and she responded with indignant rage and claimed that every time she tried therapy she wanted to drive off a cliff. She then snarled "Have a nice LIFE"

I explain all this mostly as a set up to describe my current situation.

I've been married for 11 years and our marriage has been very, very bad. Both my wife and I have trauma issues and only a few years ago started getting serious help individually to work on our issues. My wife has made tons of progress in her areas. My progress has been very slow.

My ongoing and current issues:

* I take out my negative emotions on my wife. My wife is tired of it. She is a saint for putting up with me and I am lucky that we are still married. We've been separated twice.
* Lust and masturbation addiction (aka hypersexual? Vastly improved from when I started treatment for this 15 years ago but still sometimes a struggle)
* Internet/Video game addiction (really it's just a checking-out addiction, I have many other things I use too . . . movies, tv, drawing, projects, shopping, eating, whatever)
* Inability to tolerate joy or happiness
* Overwhelmingly negative outlook on things (hypercritical)
* Self-directed or internal feelings of sadness, despair, anger, depression, etc
* I often direct said internal feeling outwardly, primarily at my wife for dumb reasons or my emotional level is out of whack with the issue at hand
* Anger towards women when I feel like they have negative 'power' over me (which is as much attached to my mother as it is my trap of falling into _feeling_ like they're controlling me when in reality I'm _letting_ them control or define me)
* I have very little support. I have a great therapist who I like a lot, has been very helpful and patient with me. I've cut my family off entirely (except my sister) as they were a detriment to my life and zero help.
* My community spiritual rhythms have been majorly disrupted given the pandemic, which sucks


My biggest issue right now is that I have a REALLY hard time being disciplined and doing things I know I need to do to care for myself and work on my issues to save my marriage.


* I tend to stay up too late and not get enough sleep
* Not doing my daily spiritual exercises
* Often not doing my 'emotional' work (I have a pile of books, etc, Male Depression, DBT workbook, etc)
* Often not eating well
* Mostly motivated into action by my wife asking me if I have been doing these things or when she is upset, angry or hurt. (which probably mirrors what I learned growing up
* Irresponsible with basic things (bills, house and yard upkeep, etc)
* Struggling with self-hatred

I guess I don't really have a question, I just wanted to share where I am at right now as I think my situation might be a little different than others (or not?)

Thanks

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