I now have established I have depression, cptsd and probably some level of adhd. I was wondering if this could be a symptom or related in any way?

I present as a chill and unbothered person and act like I don't care, that nothing matters to me, but the truth is I am **absolutely paralized and terrified of doing anything or taking any step to move forward with my life**. I guess there are two levels of it: 

1- I don't want to think about or 'admit' what I want from life. I guess that my (subconscious) reasoning is that not having what I _know_ I want is harder than just ignoring my needs, wants and desires. 

2- I am (subconsciously) convinced it will be a loss of time, efforts and ressources that won't lead anywhere, convinced I won't reach my end goal or that it would not be good enough to work the effort. 

*As a consequence, I've just been 'stuck' in life for the past 15 years (I'm 35).*

A- I've not been able to finish college. 

B- I've not been able to get or do my job (I do have a job rn because I need money, but I do the absolute minimum and I'm always highly worried of getting fired as that would be a total mess). 

C- I've been dreading and procrastinating on some important administrative tasks foemr YEARS. 

D- I've not been able to build many healthy relationships. I've not give romantic relationships any (maybe out of fear of being disliked) and the friendships I have built lack of authenticity. I can't open up and have tons of secrets, essentially because of my deep rooted self-shame.


At the end, I've not achieved much in the last 15 years. I've spent the first part of it drinking heavily and the second one kinda discovering and trying to heal myself, but in the slowest of paces. The only thing I have is a job to make my own money (and it's merely a bit more than the money I had back then, which is student budget).

The last 'big and effortfull' thing I did was to convince my parents to let and help me (financially) move away from home to study abroad. I am highly anxious of what would happen to me if this doesn't get better. 

Everything _is_ getting better but too slowly for me not to feel 'in danger'. I've been seing a therapist for a while I found it very helpful to have a professional's perspective, but it didn't help me much with 1 and 2 so it felt like a waste of my already very little money, so I stopped. I took meds in the heights ofnmy depression and it helped with physical movement (getting out of bed and even of HOME at some points, getting some exercice, seeing people... not with the other stuff that needs emotional efforts and ressources and planning, organisarion and execution!) 

Sometimez I'm really afraid If this continues for the next 15 years (which will if I don't change anything), I probably won't be able to survive for long. I don't know if anyone can relate, have a similar experience or (let's dream big!) a solution...