My parents just experienced an episode of mine. My dad's reaction was to corner me and scream in my face. He says he tried to hug me but I'm compelled to flight when there's a fight. Something I said back to him was "I have bipolar - I'm having a breakdown. You have to be nice to me."

This is something I memorized for stating when I'm breaking down. It's meant to instruct someone on what to do, or tell them to fuck off. Sometimes I end up saying it over and over when the person doesn't listen.

My dad has worked with mentally ill people for years. I don't know why he approached me like this. He said, "Have your breakdown, then!" and I didn't know what that meant? Does he want me to turn violent or was he trying to call my bluff?? I work hard to restrict my body's urge to flail and punch to escape so that I don't hurt anyone or anything, but it felt like he was daring me to do more than scream and cry, half-fallen into the pantry... I know he grabbed my wrists at some point and that's when the memorized lines kicked in. It's like, this is about to get really serious and I don't think they understand.

When these episodes happen, I only remember flashes, some words, and any fear reactions. I remember seeing my wrists being held and screaming to please let me go, because restraint is what turns my survival mode up to 10. I have to do anything at all possible to escape the hold, which sometimes just ends up with me screaming and pleading like I'm in a Saw movie...

But my dad said that what I said about "you have to be nice to me" was curious? Idk what he wants to really say, but I'm guessing it's that I'm not trying hard enough and I'm letting my emotions run unchecked. But that's why I cry so much and self harm and run across a field in the rain barefoot because my brain says "holy fucking shit run as far and as fast as you can bitch".

My fiancé is the best. He's dealt with every kind of breakdown from me, and not only does he do it well, but he always makes me feel loved as I'm coming back down from it. Unfortunately, he was at work when this happened. (we're living with my parents now thanks to a 35% rent increase) My parents keep saying they just want to help and hear me out, but I don't know what I'm supposed to say. Whenever I tell them about my issues (five diagnoses in a year, tyvm), they ask when "this" started, saying they never noticed it when I was growing up.

What am I supposed to say? 

"Well maybe you should've paid more attention"?? 

I first experienced mania in April of 2019, and was diagnosed in 2022. Because of that, a lot of my symptoms ended up in their minds as just being personality flaws and being overemotional. It seems like having the diagnosis only made it worse. 

Why does everyone say, "Don't let your illness define you," when it defines my whole life? I do everything I can, but I'm not those bipolar celebrities, or CEOs who did it all despite their bipolar... I'm just fucking not. I can't help the fact that I'm so deeply terrified when someone comes at me during a meltdown. If they'd left me alone, I'd cry and get through it and come back as normal. But they have to try to help, then get mad when I can't communicate well, or act like I'm being over dramatic. 

I want to give up so badly sometimes. When I think about how I went from a nice office job, an apartment, and independence all the way back to living with my parents, waiting on disability, and my fiancé handles bills now... Sometimes I want to find a fast way to die, but the love I have for my fiancé and my two cats keeps me here. It's a painful and tenuous thread.