Idk if i can explain everything rn because im crying too much its just too much fear of being abandoned, the trigger was me talking to my childhood friend and i realized that whe became distant from each other, we still care for each but we're distant and for a time of her life we were separated because of her mother and i lost so much about her life, she was my best friend and she suddenly left me, years later we came back with contact, she just said something that she used to tell me when we were younger and that was the trigger, i've lost her as a best friend, she no longer sees me as her best friend and she has her life now and im in so much pain i miss her so much and i lost so much about her life growing, i know we are never gonna be like we used to, the feeling of being abandoned kills me, i don't want to feel that, i don't want to be abandoned, i lost so much about her, i lost my best friend