The first time I realized this was in Highschool. I knew things had to get done, a reading list, essays, and knowledge stuck in my head that I couldn't put to work.

Now almost 10 years later, at work,  I know the process and how to get things done, but I just can't get myself to do it. I feel paralyzed and the lack of motivation stalling my every move. I know it is not quite anxiety, but that comes after. Depression gets to me first, the feeling that I'm not good enough, or that I may do or say the wrong thing. That I will get in trouble for not following the process, even though things can get fixed. The thoughts that win are telling me that I cannot keep going, and the anxiety that I can't shake off because I can't get things done, I'm afraid of being called out and that makes me depressed because I'm anxious of the day I lose my job because I cannot get things done.... And the cycle keeps going. 

Some days are better than others, some days I work diligently, I clear my inbox and all is good with the world. But I cannot keep it up and I don't know why or how.