And then days like today happen. I saw a few friends that are a part of a larger group and the rest of the group was very upset/jealous (it’s a pandemic, it’s a large group, navigating things are hard). I reached out about it after one of them made a snarky comment and I ended up on the defensive. 

I invalidated their feelings and gaslit and I really struggle with coming back from that. I over apologized, I’m still trying to solve the problem, I didn’t want to be friends with any of them anymore for most of today which has led to a very anxious night. I’ve calmed down a lot and I am identifying the way I’m feeling, talking myself out of a split, but it’s going to make tomorrow a worse day than I’m already anticipating. 

My brain is screaming like, your friends can’t leave you if you leave them all first!!!!!!!!

This illness creeps around in your body like an intruder and how do you make an intruder a friend? 

This feels very jumbled but I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this today without making it sound like I’m using it to justify my ranting and raving from earlier. So I’m doing it here so I don’t do it elsewhere. Thanks guys.