basically just feeling what the title says. about 2 months ago, i ended my first “relationship” (he refused to say we were dating or call me his girlfriend despite many romantic and sexual interactions over the course of months) and it was incredibly hurtful. he did so many terrible things that really broke my trust, but at the same time, i missed him so much. i also lost quite a few friends by breaking up with him, so i was really lonely. 

i decided to go on a dating app just to interact with people. i thought if i could go on a couple dates it might help me with my dating anxiety as well. i met someone i actually connected with, and we began talking. however, i noticed that the more romantic things got and the more i got to know this person, the more i got anxious and felt like something was off. 

last night, i decided to talk to this person. i wanted to see if it was possible to just stop the romantic stuff for now and continue exclusively platonically with no romantic expectations. while i know this is a hard thing to ask of someone, i wanted to at least try. but before i could even get that out, he got very defensive and said some very hurtful things to me.

now, i’m feeling like i messed up. i feel like a terrible human being for hurting him and that i should’ve just let what i was feeling go. i’m feeling like maybe if i would’ve just held on it would’ve worked out eventually. i’m just terrified because i feel like there’s so much wrong with me that i’ll never be able to find someone to be in a relationship with. between my BPD symptoms, my dating/intimacy anxiety and my past relationship trauma, i truly feel like it’s impossible for me to ever experience that kind of loving relationship that i desperately want.

i’ve just felt so hopeless about that recently, and i feel like it’s bled into other areas of my life. i’m so incredibly sad about my place in life right now.