i recently got in a relationship 4.5 months ago with an amazing man. however, this is my first relationship after being diagnosed with BPD, being on the right medication, and 2+ years of group and individual therapy, including DBT. i am using my skills religiously and trying to stay positive but i’m in so much pain. i have extreme anxiety about him leaving. i’m afraid to ask for anything or talk about anything that may push him away. he’s extremely busy as he has 2 kids and has primary custody. so he doesn’t text back much and we don’t get a lot of time together (i haven’t met his family yet). the time away is so hard. i’m constantly anxious even though i know he would never intentionally do something to hurt me. he is nothing like the other men i’ve dated but those other men have affected how i think, feel, and behave in relationships and it’s hard to get past that. 

i work with him so i see him everyday during my breaks. i recently had a panic attack at work because of something he said on break that made me feel like he lied to me. i couldn’t stop crying and hyperventilating no matter how hard i tried and all the skills i used. i’m so exhausted from being this way and i’m so sick of having to use skills everyday for everything. i have extreme social anxiety so i have to try so hard just to get through everyday. i don’t have a lot of social support and nobody really understands. 

i am going full time at work in a week and can no longer afford therapy without state insurance. i won’t have anyone to talk to that actually understands this disorder. my mom is completely puzzled, my boyfriend doesn’t know wtf i’m talking about, and my best friend doesn’t know what to say. 

needless to say, i am so tired!!