He wasn't the best to me (no that's not just my mind talking everyone around me warned me for years) but today he messaged me asking how I was after my grandma passed and I said such awful things. I won't repeat them, but my mind right now makes me sick. I literally feel like our entire relationship was a sham, all he's ever done was lie to me, it was all a waste of time, he was abusive to me, that I wish he were dead, that he hates me and wants me to die, that he's worthless and will have nothing without me, etc. I mean I understand being angry at someone (he dumped me because my grandma and 3 of my friends died and I was being too "dramatic" about it) but I wish I didn't have so much hate in my heart. I wish I could just be angry but not be so vicious. I wish I could see our past for what it was and just be upset at how our relationship ended instead of my memories being so distorted. 

I just want to be a nice person.