I don't know where to post, and I'm kind of tired of "posting" in my own notes. So here, I guess? Even the thought of posting this is giving me anxiety, like I'm imposing my own issues on a bunch of strangers trying to make their own path to happiness, and my issue makes yours worse. Why is anxiety a thing? I want to laugh and smile but panic and tears almost always win. I'm not even sure what to write. I just want to write that this shit sucks. So bad. Maybe I want to know that others suffer from this too so I can feel better about myself. Super selfish, I know, but it's so hard to see my closest friends and my fiancee live such normal lives. They don't cry behind the scenes, they don't take days to make one decision, they don't feel like shit because their own problems makes it impossible to be a good friend. I straight up cancelled on a long-planned event with my friends to go watch a video game tournament in my friends (his bday weekend) city. I've been pacing trying to decide if I should go or not, trying to tell myself it's okay and not dangerous and that everything will be fine and fun. But the anxiety, man... It tells me no. It tells me the bus ride (can't afford to drive) will go wrong, I'll get lost, I'll be in danger, something will happen at home and I won't be able to be there on time, etc x10. So I lied. I lied and said I need to repair my car and the cost will be pulled out of my travel fund, so I can't afford to go anymore and I'll go visit a different weekend to make it up to my friend for missing his bday. I waited til the last possible minute, where I would no longer make it in time to the bus. The last possible minute I started crying because the anxiety was becoming too much to handle. And worst of all, I don't even feel relief! I don't feel less anxious. Now I'm still anxious, but now paired with heavy guilt. I guess that's better than hopping on the bus and just escalating my anxiety. I don't know. I just wanna stay hidden in the bathroom so my fiancee doesn't see me cry. Idk. I don't know what the point of this post was. Thanks for reading, whoever read this.