
For as long as I can remember from my childhood. I used to be the typical cheery and bratty child, but the lonely one too, because my mother constantly pushed me away or forced me to do things out of my consent I lost confidence in my ability to do anything without her help.

Then there was the occasional abuse and events that came back that affected my entire relationship with my *biological family.* All of this affected my memory too, and I was prone to repeating the same topic of conversation with someone or forgetting something at somewhere so easily. 

Right now, it's night. My family just finished doing  some ceremony that's part of the tradition of my ancestry, and for two days I was alienated by everyone I met. Or felt dumb to even speak out however I felt about something related to the tradition they were 'honoring' to only get a demeaning comment from my mother. 

At the same time when I showed actual happiness to hanging around with someone who came along and let me voice my opinion - I feel like an entirely different person. Being treated as *equal* was so nice, only for a few moments.

It feels so... strange to feel like that. I didn't know I could be that kind of person. Extroverted, outgoing and fun but becoming extremely apathetic when I'm around family or with cousins following the same parenting lifestyle as them.

So much crying from ridicule, so much anger from the trauma and resentment when I feel at peace with them for just one second.

Then- my memory relapses and I'm back to square one again. Cry, hate, resent. Repeat.

I don't know if I'll be able to grow as someone in the future, or graduate on my own when who I thought I am as before is now dead.

Will anyone even remember who am I? Or who I was?