Okay, this is quite possibly going to be a long post or it could be short, I still have no idea how to really put into words what I'm trying to vent. 

Backstory, I met this guy on Tinder, we clicked, there was feelings, we hooked up but he had to move out of state to be closer to his son and he's rejoined the army. I have fallen for him and have told him this. He's not *in love* with me, but has expressed if he was still in Melbourne he would have asked me to be his girlfriend by now. We've remained friends and we've both been an incredible emotional support for each other (he has PTSD) and I can easily say he's my best friend. 

The problem I'm having is my feelings for him. Nothing can come of them, not only because of the distance, but he's still not completely over his ex-wife, so emotionally he's not available anyway. 

I have days where I am completely fine being his friend, I love it in fact. I don't remember the last time I ever had such an amazing friend, then there are days where I am so hostile towards him because, at the end of the day, he did lead me on and toy with my heart. 

I've told him numerous times now that I can't be his friend anymore and then when he agrees not to speak to me anymore because he doesn't want to hurt me, I spend hours obsessing over him and wondering what he's doing and if he even cares, then I end up caving and apologising to him for my emotional outburst, and so the cycle continues. 

It's happened maybe 4 or 5 times now and I'm really starting to worry that eventually he's just going to get tired of my crap and then that'll be it, he'll be gone forever.

I don't want to lose him as a friend, but I don't know how control my crazy emotional outbursts towards him when I focus on what *could* have been and remember all the sweet things he's said to me. 

Looks like this did end up being a long one. If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. 