 

Thats the best word that comes to my mind, i will try to explain what it is.

Its 3 days before christmas and around this time symptoms usually increase. Im scared. I notice that im at the risk of an episode physically, theres a lot more tension in my body. My mimic when i look in the mirror is off, just a little bit, might right eye might start twitching. Today when i looked in the mirror quite long i started crying and my mouth went from looking sad to grinning and back again. Thats the name my current girlfriend gave to it: "the grin". Shes the only person that ever witnessed a full on episode. I get this mad grin, i clench my fist, theres extreme tension in all of my limbs, at some point i most of the time have spastics and i laugh. Like this silent kind of laugh where you inhale air while the tone you are making is stuttering a bit. I cant describe it any better. typical psychward laugh i guess. I might hug my feet and just roll up and down for 10 minutes. Or I start hitting my head. Or I talk. Either the same thing over and over again: "You cant get rid of me" or "Die" "Control? You make me laugh. Dont make me laugh. Hahaha. Control, Control, Control. Fuck you" or the symptoms start decaying again i might speak coherent sentences again, this happened when my girlfriend was present, but still i seem psychotic in sense. I see correlations where there arent any, i dont trust my perception or feelings. If its going down again i will start pacing around aimlessly oftentimes.

The only triggers that i could spot so far: somehow this smiling aspect seems to be crucial. I can write myself into it, has happened a couple of times that i was journaling and i have this way of writing where i just try to right whatever comes to mind immediatly and sometimes the stuff i write becomes more and mor absurd until i have an episode. Today I wrote like "Cut yourself open, you can run faster than your Fears" but also "The only real freedom is lactosefreedom" (im lactoseintolerant). So creativly im really fucking interested in this thing. Same goes for drawing. I draw associativly and every creature i draw will have this weird smile and then i know. I can show some of the drawings if wanted. I also have videofootage of 2 episodes, since i always still have some time to react until it sets on.

As for reasons why this is happening, i have a couple of theories: 1. I did a bunch of psychedlics when i was still very young (14) and havent stopped doing so until now (21). I also have a history of drug abuse (GBL and Ketamine) for 2 years. So it might be the onset of shizoprenia/ psychosis i dont fucking and what way taking this amount of substances might have done to my brain. 2. While in deep meditative states sometimes very old feelings burst out of me, its a mix of sadness and shame and fear, language kind of fails to describe that. So I think that it is possible that something very traumatic happened to me in early childage, that i locked away deep down. I have some theories what that might be, but no proof for anything. Cant formulate any other concrete theory than those two.

Other than that i only have to say, to give you some context, im studying to become a social worker, have a functioning network of friends, hobbies, material wealth, a fucking amazing girlfriend, a healthy daily routine and for some phases of my life im doing pretty well mentally. I mean i should. Also not consuming any drugs atm. And then theres phases like now, where i just randomly sink into agony for no apparent reason.

If anyone has any theories/ knowledge on what the fuck that might be or knows people with/ has similar experiences themselfs, please share. I would be very glad. Merry Christmas yall!