Ive been down day night lately, I got no one to talk to, my mother is too hard to communicate with as she is Japanese and my farther won’t listen to me in the first place, I barely got friends and the friends I do have I’m scared to tell them my situation. 
The only reason I am not scared to post anything here is cuz I’m just writing something and some text will pop up on my screen and it’s always the same text as well “just know that I’m always here to talk to you”

I’m afraid to expres my emotions to people and I’m afraid to tell them everything that’s going on.
I keep on losing and friends and everyone I’ve cared about the most keep leaving cuz I keep on making mistakes.
It feels like I don’t have any control over myself anymore because I do stuff without thinking it’s almost like I can’t even think in the first place.
The only place I can at least say something is paper, I can write on paper or talk really quietly in a place where there is no one.
And still I’m even afraid to write down my emotions on paper cuz once it’s found… I’m done and this has happened many times but I keep making jokes about as if I’m fine but really I’m pushing my problems away until they stack up so much untill I have to deal with them all at once.

I need help but I don’t want help.
I want to talk about my emotions but I’m afraid

Up to now I’ve been smiling everywhere as if I’m fine but as soon as I get to my room I start writing and then the tears start coming out.
I needed someone to talk to and once I got one they left.