I went on a vacation trip for 3 weeks with my best friend and some other friends.
The first real friends trip for the first time in my life and one of the best vacations ever (I had several though for my young age).

I checked the highlight story of one of my "friends" and saw pictures I had never seen before because I didn't have social media at that time.

I look at some pictures and look at myself and can only think, wow despite me being in the best shape I had ever been in, tanned, beautiful skin, healthy...I still look uglier than almost everyone in our group (except for one person who I would equal on the superficial side-not trying to be mean but objective here) my tanned legs look nice but my tanned face shape...is ..idk hollow.

It's actually two vacation consecutively. In the first one another friend of mine is on the picture and he is so good looking. He was into me at some point. But I am lesbian, and now he's with another "best friend" of mine (they fit perfect together) and time has passed and he is even more good looking as are some of the other people too.

The worst thing is years have passed and I look exactly the same.i have a young face. I look somewhat unidentifiably between man and woman if I didn't have long hair. I should be more womanly like my other friends but I am not. I have a really young staying face.

Both places we went too are so beautiful. I saw the view of the first vacation and am in awe of how stunning it actually looked and I forgot about it! And awful I still felt despite such nice environment.

The second vacation was in a very historic country.
Although I went 3 weeks with my friends there I had to get away from them for over 1 week and probably was spending half the time alone and being busy with myself the 1 week apart was the best decision I made because I got to experience a sick adventure and learned a lot and met nice people while they were being "lazy" or chilling in one city, which was the reason why I split.

By now I found out there is a high chance I am autistic and me needing time from others and becoming quickly irritated (without tantrums) are probably the reason why I do these things as this has happened on other occasions too.
I didn't know back then.

My best friend kind of tried to get away from me after this vacation despite her other friends and her boyfriend liking me and inviting me to birthdays and new year's ... My best friend was supposed to tell me about some events and never did, I only found out when they were telling me about it. She never told me why she didn't want to meet anymore even after I asked her or asked what was wrong, she said.. nothing.

I see pictures of her and she's become more beautiful, and also gets to wear pretty cool clothes and different styles throughout time.
She's been my best friend for years so I can say she's had a pretty easy life, fairly good looking...carried through every problem by someone, really relatively little problems
starting off with me and her having to sleep in same room with her grandparents when she was  10 or 12 because she wasn't used to it and had nightmares of bees (not judging her).
She was also fairly naive.. but that never did her harm and not the most intelligent person.
She is no angel and no evil person but kinda egocentrical. I know I sound awful here but it's just my description to make my point.
I look at her and I don't see any hard work for her achievements but they come flying at her.

I am happy for her but it makes me question my own life if everything is predetermined and our own actions don't change a thing?