I'm feeling really bummed. I don't make friends easily due to my trust issues and I just lost my temper on my last friend the other day, who is now ignoring me.

The kicker is I was just fed up with her acting like a jerk. I know I have a temper, I know I should have confronted her months ago on her bad behavior. I know this is partly my fault. But I also know I didn't cuss her out, I didn't say anything to be cruel (ya'll know this is a big deal for bpds). I was literally just fed up. 

I stood up to her. No matter which way I slice it, I can't justify the way she behaved sometimes. I told her I didn't understand why she felt the need to act the way she did, why she thought blowing smoke in a coughing asthmatics face or arguing just to be right when we were her friends was OK****. She apologized and left, then messaged me that if she was such a bad friend, she would just not come over anymore. 

(****note: she had asthma as a child, and it does affect her still sometimes. I have adult onset asthma that isn't well controlled and we both vaporize mmj concentrate since it's legal here. It keeps my ptsd and bpd in check and has been the most effective medicine of the many I have tried and isn't one of my asthma triggers.)

She wasn't all bad. She was mostly a good friend, but occasionally she could be a real asshole. So I'm left thinking if you can't tell someone their behavior is hurtful without them withdrawing from the relationship completely, there wasn't much of a relationship to begin with. To realize you didn't have the friendship you thought? Sucks.

The really messed up part is she's in an abusive relationship with a nonromantic friend. I knew he was bad as he scammed her out of part of her tax return. She's unemployed, so it's really concerning that she's still under the impression her share will be 30k from this venture. 20 minutes on Google told me the prices of the item they are producing will be dropping drastically in the next year and investments tied directly to its market value are ill advised. She made all these plans and it hurt to hear how excited she was while knowing she would have been better off setting that money on fire. At least it would have kept her warm and been useful. 

I just found a post on fb she made that I'm almost certain is about this person asking for advice. I don't use fb often, so I missed it. She said she is in fear for her life. I'm pretty sure it's about this same guy because she said he threatens to kill people who use their phone or watch TV. These are things he supposedly can't do due to a medical condition I'm not sure he has or if he does, he uses it as a way to manipulate women into having a relationship with him.

I love her, but I can't force her to be my friend anymore than I can force her not to be an argumentative jerk or force her to leave the abusive relationship she's in. I've made too much progress to let her pull me back into a nasty situation that will wreck my hard earned progress. Does that make me a terrible person? I feeling like that does. 