I've recently come to the realization that I've been disassociating most of my childhood. I know trauma makes it that you can't remember much but what I do remember, is me just being out of it at all times. Every school report, every story about I hear about myself, people tell me I had a wall up. I didn't talk much, didn't interact with my environment, never really expressed interest in anything. It was so much easier to not be aware and have to feel everything that was constantly happening to me, it was a survival tactic for me at the time.

Now I've been mostly aware of myself for about a year or more now. Since I moved out of my abusive household, my emotions are flowing free. I don't know how to deal with it. Going from never being able to let your emotions happen to constantly only feeling everything so intensely is crazy. It hurts a lot all the time. I've been in a depressive episode for so long bc everytime smth happens, it's too much for me and I crash and burn again.

I feel like someone pulled me out of the safe space that was my mind at the time and threw me into an endlessly deep body of water without teaching me how to swim. And I'm so incredibly terrified of drowning. So I just struggle, every minute of every day, trying to navigate my emotions and the impact it has on me and my environment.

I can't work, I can't go to school, I can't even hang out with my friends properly. I don't know what my life is anymore and what I'm supposed to do. I've also stopped numbing myself with weed and everything is so much worse now. I want to go back to being in another reality but I can't anymore. I can't find my way back so I'm just stuck here, unable to escape, unable to kill myself, just fucking struggling.