i’ve never realized how abusive my family was until i got older.. always screaming when i was younger almost hitting each other i don’t have one relationship to look up to my parents rarely say i love you to each other they don’t even sleep together ..i don’t wanna kill my self but i also don’t wanna keep reliving the same day by myself no one checks up on me my family doesn’t give a shit my moms an alcoholic smokes in the house so i always smell like a cigarette never leaves the house  and my dads always at work every friend i’ve ever had found a “best friend “ and i was just on the side i’m no one’s #1 person no one would even care if i died tonight… maybe for attention. i’ve never heard i’m proud of you or i’m happy for you. i try so hard to do what people expect me to and i’m giving up sometimes i’m happy but it always feels like  this laying down at 9:00 pm on a Saturday every weekend cause no one wants to hang out with me it feels like everyone hates me and i don’t even know who i am i hope this reaches someone that’s in a similar situation that ur not alone cause i sure fucking feel like i’m drowning right now i can’t even cry anymore cause i numb myself with weed and alcohol. i don’t look forward to anything .. everyone’s in college but my parents expect me to pay for it and find a ride since they won’t let me get my license working 8 hours every day and weekend at 18 like a slave  life doesn’t feel worth it to me anymore. i disgrace my parents for having me knowing this would be the outcome. always trauma dumping on me like i’m there therapist dad always telling me he wants to die always saying he’s gonna leave once i’m 18 always saying i’m just gonna come out stronger from the neglect and bad parenting. i feel like a ghost in everyone’s life i just desperately need someone in my life to tell me it’s okay my boyfriend always tells me it’s not the same as a friend or a parent cause it just feels forced. my boyfriend keeps pushing me to be closer to his family but he’s going to college next year and i don’t know how to feel about it considering if i wanna be with him during that time so i just feel like what’s the point. there’s really no point in anything we all die someday and 90% of us don’t even leave a big impact