**im not going to do anything to myself nor am I currently thinking of doing anything**
I live with my fiancé and he’s been the only one to work for a year now. I feel like shit everyday. I get *those* thoughts SO badly when I leave a job again. I’ve been picking up remote gigs thinking it would help me but here I am.

My fiancé and my parents say the same thing every time I get a job. “I’m proud of you”. It kills me knowing I’m a disappointment and am essentially a waste of space/air/money. 
Every time I get a job I’m so happy to finally not feel like a bum but after that feeling goes away I’m in a constant state of severe depression and panic. 

It’s so bad to the point where I’ve considered — just because I can’t work. I can’t stop sobbing and I can’t go to a ward because last time I went I got punched in the face...oh and not to mention I’m addicted to my fiancé, weed, and nicotine...

The worst part is that my fiancé literally hallucinates but maintains a full time job. What is wrong with me? I can’t even get on disability. I’m so scared for the future and my well-being if we break up I just don’t want to be here.