I don’t know anymore. I was really suicidal and close to wanting to attempt suicide and then my room mate and her kid moved in and I know at this time I couldn’t. I don’t want to cause them trauma seeing my dead body. It’s nice having someone live here but it makes it impossible to do that. Besides I already tried so many times in the past. I’m just at a point where I’m trying to do things that make me happy pursue a career that I would enjoy and be able to work the life I want around. 

Despite trying to do this for myself at the end of the day I feel really alone and sad. I’m hurting financially but trying to pursue my dreams right now is the only thing that is giving me strength. I can’t return to moving back with family because my family is really toxic to me and every time I come over for family parties I feel myself having a panic attack. 

My parent emotional, mentally, and semi physically abused me. I have so much trauma between them and toxic friends I’ve had in the past, and being bullied in school, and SA in my 20s. It’s just a lot to handle and I wish I wasn’t here most days so I don’t have to deal with all this stress.