Title. Basically we met via grindr but actually started with proper dating (not just hooking up) at the beginning, this was back in June last year. At some time around October I felt like we were transitioning into being a couple as opposed to just dating, however it was never anything official.    
 

However in Januaryish he at one point commented on whatsapp that I was coming across very romantically lately and that he didn't want me to get my hopes up that we were anything more than friends. Awkward. I mean, that explained why sometimes he reacted weirdly when I kissed him, but I assumed that I just had bad breath on those occasions (it is something I'm cursed with) so...yeah way to be clear about that. Anyway he was really good about it, we spoke about it in person, he emphasised that he really likes me a lot, just as a friend and not anything else.  

  

He was very up for me expressing what I felt too but I tried, was kind of unable to put anything into words, and then ended up chickening out and just saying that I'd spoken about it with my psychologist (true) and that we'd concluded that I'd just mistaken my feelings for something else (not true) because it was the first time that anyone really paid attention to me (sort of true).  

  

Since then we've been seeing each other semi-frequently and still speaking practically every day until the last 2-3 weeks. I noticed him starting and carrying on conversations less and was going to bring it up the next time I saw him, I was concerned that maybe he was having a bad time - even though I would say we are close friends he doesn't like to share his problems, he tends to just drink way too much wine when he isn't feeling great. He also hadn't been able to meet up the last couple of times I asked, something which is unusual for him. I didn't think about it much at the time, though.   

  

I didn't need to bring it up because near the beginning of the conversation I had the explanation for what was going on: an old friend of his (who he had dated before) moved back to our city a couple of weeks ago, they met up and are now boyfriends. My initial reaction was very positive after split second of jealousy. He seemed nervous telling me this, so maybe he is aware that I'm still into him (even if up until now that hasn't been that conscious) but as far as he can tell my reaction is positive and I'm very happy for him.  

  

Once I got back home I realised that I was extremely jealous in more than one sense: 1. I want to be his boyfriend, not this other guy. I'm sure he has loads of things better than I do - he's probably not a drug addict, and he probably has a job, and is probably much more interesting to be around, as well as more entertaining and lively. But I want it to be me, I care about him deeply and there's no-one else I'd rather spend my time with. I also had felt that, after 11 years out of the closet and not having had a single proper boyfriend (nor dated anyone else really) if anyone were to be compatible with me it would be him. He makes it very obvious that he cares about me and often seems to know when I'm feeling insecure about something, and is happy to reassure me, which as I am sure you can imagine is a massive plus when you have BPD and are insecure about a lot of things. We have similar interests in an obscure way and have plenty of conversation, he also seems to enjoy teaching me about stuff so even when I don't have much to say on the topic he is content to tell me about things and I find it very interesting without having to try and ask questions (he explains things very thoroughly which does leave you without much to say in response)  

  

2. I'm jealous that it was so easy for him. Friends comes back into town and suddenly he has a boyfriend. I have tried searching on the apps and in university societies in all sorts of places, and no-one has even been interested in me. I get interested in different people - not loads, but enough that I would have hoped to have clicked with at least someone by now, but no. I already feel unlikeable and unloveable to begin with and the lack of anyone's interest in me just kind of confirms it. It makes it very hard to believe that I am going to ever find anyone, especially when someone who seems so compatible with me turns out not to be interested.  

  

3. I am worried that he is going to do a disappearing act. He has reassured me multiple times in the past that he isn't going to abandon me (without me even bringing it up) but he's never disappeared in the way that he has recently. Yes we managed to meet up after trying a few times and yes he does reply when I message him, but to be honest a big part of what makes me feel that he appreciates me is that sometimes he writes to me first and the frequency of us having proper conversations over whatsapp. I worry that that has already stopped and that it isn't going to start again. Also, when he tells me about his life (past or present) it seems that a lot of his socialising is with a boyfriend and very little is with friends. I remember when we were dating we used to see each other a \*lot\*, and it makes me think that he prefers to spend all his time with his boyfriend (whoever that is at the time) and that he has been spending so much time with me the last 10 months as a kind of stop-gap until he found a boyfriend again.  

  

I'm just kind of ranting on here but also hoping for some advice on how to process this. At the moment I can't stop thinking about this unless I get high on meth and I'm about to reach the crash which is hell on earth at the best of times. Also I am trying to reduce/quit and was already doing badly, I fear I am just going to end up consuming even more now.