I need to vent. 

I’ve (M24) dealt with anxiety most of my life, mostly in the form of performance anxiety before games or tests in hs and college. Since I started work, the added stress has added to my anxiety, making me feel super anxious over everything. It’s affecting my relationships and my body. 

Since the end of July, I’ve had trouble getting erections and keeping them. Already on top of my normal sex anxiety, this has really strained my relationship with my girlfriend up to the point where she asked to take a break after I got back from a work trip on Saturday. She said she loved me but needed time for both herself and me. She has her own battles, a lot of which have to do with past relationships. I was okay with this and agreed to it. We both still agreed we were the loves of our lives but needed some time to ground ourselves. 

Before we discussed the break, I sought out a therapist and scheduled an appointment for later this week along with a doctor’s appointment because I knew I was rapidly cascading. I needed to take action. 

I’m still plunging. I had a panic attack last night. I called a friend, and he talked me down the two hours it took for me to calm down. I threw up. I shit myself earlier in the day. I haven’t done that since I was a kid. I feel dead inside, broken. I can’t sleep. I finally ate dinner for the first time in four nights last night. I can’t get past the feeling that I’m too broken for her to take me back and for me to overcome my anxiety and stress factors. I mean who wants a boyfriend with ED. I’m a smart guy with a good job, I have hobbies and friends, I’m very strong and muscular, but it’s just not enough. 

I’m just trying to survive until my doctors appointment and therapy appointment. Beyond that, I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I’m just hoping I can get back to the previous high I was at before summer.