A big part I think of this shitty disorder for me is loss of control and realizing I can’t control the things people say or do to make my existence easier so a lot of times people will mention things or people I do not care for and have deep seeded hatred for and it genuinely offends me like if you know I don’t like this person place or thing why do you keep taking to me about this said person place or thing thinking I’m gonna enjoy hearing about it when to me you’ll never understand how much pain it actually caused me and I’m not over that I also can’t accept other things people do that are annoying to me I can never get used to it I want it to stop immediately and when it doesn’t it burns a fire in me and then I find myself wishing to never see that person ever again at least for a couple days Nd. Then when it passes I find myself asking them to hang out like don’t you hate them ??? But it’s like I do but I dont and if I explain that to someone who doesn’t have this they’re like well if you don’t want to b their friend just don’t be their friend and it’s not that fucking easy cause I’m attached to them Nd in my own way I love them but I hate this thing about them so much it makes me wish I never met them I’ve had to learn how to hold my tongue cause I went off on my Bestfriend so bad I could hear her starting to cry I called my mom an abusive Narcissistic monster the other day and I know it really hurt her cause I said a lot more and it’s like I feel guilty but i do mean everything I say in those moments like those are my real feelings real thoughts I’m holding back 24/7 in order to not hurt anyone around me even though I am and that pisses me off more cause it’s like I have to hold back everything I say while others don’t and I know I could really hurt them but why don’t they ever think about hurting me like just think for three seconds about your words instead of giving me flashbacks to painful moments in my life that You know I went through