good afternoon everyone. i am a writer with bipolar type one, and i wrote an entry i titled "intoxicated." Mind you i was having some sort of breakdown i believe this day.

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" Something snapped today; something deep inside her being just snapped like a twig. Was it her boss? Was it something at work? Whatever it was scared the hell out of me. I have never seen her like this before. This is new....whatever this is. Does she realize she's doing almost 90 down the highway? Everything is moving in slow motion....like everyone is moving too slow for her. Her heart is pounding...I can hear it from here. Before she even knew she was driving, she was home. The garage door opens and she ascends the stairs to what should be her comfort.....her place where she can come home just to relax....instead she quickly feeds the cat and strips all of her clothes. There's a hazy look in her eyes like she's there but not there.....not physically anyway. Usually, when she gets like this she ends up crying....but there are no tears falling today. The anger is too strong...like a tidal wave barreling anything that it comes into contact with. There's a quick flutter in her eyes....barely blinking she grips the tub handle until her knuckles turn white; then her hand turns the water all the way to the left, forcing the water to go as hot as it will go. The music inside the AirPods blares loudly into her ears, making her brain vibrate. It seems like a minute until she is finally out of the tub.....but as soon as she tries to get her clothes together, something small inside her breaks. She lets out a shaky breath as she looks around the room searching for some sort of familiarity. Everything looks distorted....like she's intoxicated. Inside the closet, she reaches for the one thing that can give her relief on really bad days like this, but despite her efforts, the guilt starts to get to her head, and instead, she collapses onto the floor, gripping the blanket that covers the safe where she hides her stash. Her breath is quickening and there's nothing left to do but to close her eyes. The music continues blasting in her ear, and it sounds like the voices are too far away....like the volume isn't loud enough. After it seems like an eternity has passed, she feels the soft tail of her cat enter the closet and brush up against her legs. She opens one eye just enough to see through her bangs and her cat reaches his paw and touches her nose lightly checking for any sign of life, any sign that this girl is still in there. He scratches at her arm just enough to pierce her skin but she doesn't even flinch. The only thing she is capable of doing is listening to the music blast. Boom boom......boom.......boom boom..... boom......a headache is forming and the goosebumps are erupting on her skin like a volcano. Realizing she's only in a towel, she tries to prop herself up to a sitting position. With everything she has left she pushes and her body feels like it weighs a lot more than it should. After a loud piercing cry, she finally hoists herself up onto her feet. Dragging her feet to the bed where her clothes lie, she throws the towel off of her porcelain body, and after many failed attempts, she's finally dressed."