
I feel ridiculous venting about depression and suicide because I’m only 14, but I have no other outlet. I’m 14, I’m young, changing, and I “know nothing”. That’s not wrong, I do know nothing. I am nothing. All I ever will be is nothing. I’m always the outsider, the anomaly. I have never fit in, I don’t belong anywhere, I have no true friends, I have no talents; I am nothing special, sometimes I don’t even feel comfortable or genuinely loved at home. I’m just…nothing. I’m chronically average. It kills me, and every time I do fail, I feel a gut wrenching hate boil inside me. When I succeed, I don’t trust it. I try my hardest to talk to others and be involved, to make myself healthier and more intelligent, to invest some time in interesting hobbies, and no matter how strong the façade is or how happy I feel at the moment, I will still be me. I teach myself to be someone else, to develop personalities that other people enjoy, to do everything I can to mold my face and body so I can be normal. I’m slowly going insane from this, how can I love myself if I don’t even know who I am? I am disgusting and revolting. Nothing about me deserves the life I have. I feel so alone, it makes me cry every time I go to bed. I don’t want to kill myself, I just wish I was unknown. I wish I never happened. My life belongs to someone who matters. I’m an embarrassment to my family and “friends”. I never stand out. I’m a lonely piece of shit who will never be anything but desperately tries to become something. I don’t see an upcoming future. I felt like this since I was little. I admit it’s strange, but I’ve always kind of known I shouldn’t be here. I apologize for the vent, and I do understand that my issues aren’t rare. I just know that I’m not strong enough to keep going, but my poor mother and the idea that when I grow older things might change holds me back. I am torn.