I'm 21 and life has always been hard for me.
I grow up in a dysfunctional environment.
My mother is affected by BPD and paranoid/bipolar disorder, and she abused me physically and verbally for my entire childhood. 
I can't count the amount of traumas that arosed from her sadistic conduct. She used to spat me in my face during arguments, and beated the sh*t out of me almost every day for no reasons at all. 
I didn't had the chance to socialize with my peers, 'cause she couldn't accept the idea of being left alone (we used to live in a cottage due to my father's job, so isolation was a heart-felt issue for her), so I didn't developed my social skills on a decent level, and eventually I started to suffer of social anxiety. 

She also beated my father, he was completely passive and harmless, probably the fact that he was undiagnosed until the last year as autistic played a big role in his incapability to process the "inadequacy of our family dynamics", just to euphemize this horrifying nightmare.

I have a lot of problem when it comes to take decisions or labeling a X behaviour as toxic or not. I have a incredibly hard time understanding other people's behaviour 'cause everything I've experienced in my life was so unpredictable and illogic that I don't have the instruments to assuming logical actions &amp; reactions.

Obviously my self-esteem is damaged in a core level.
I don't trust people, so the possibility of having friends or simple connecting on a deep emotional level is almost fantasmic and chimaeric. 
For example, all my romantic relationship felt in pieces: I unconsciously choose partners with a familiar background similar to mine, and everything end in the worst possible way.

One month ago I stopped dating a person 'cause the amount of stress and abusiveness was intolerable.
I've understood that she never had real feelings for me, and that's just a new scar, a new wrinkle on my face.

I don't study, I don't work, I'm severely depressed, I don't have purposes, I don't have faith, I'm nothing.

This post is pointless, I know, but who cares anyway.