Trigger warning: Suicidal talk. Self harm. Substance abuse. Eating disorder.

Alright so I've been in addiction therapy for the last two months now to once more deal with my "depression". The first two weeks were weird. I was unlike last time not feeling better as soon as I got there. I could actually sleep worse than before and had a longing for self harm (that happened like three times in the 6 years before and never was really an issue)

Well I actually started enjoying therapy. I really liked my therapist because I was able to tell him lots of my childhood trouble pretty fast. (Usually I need way more time to trust somebody) He went to holiday for a week and I was eagerly waiting for him to come back. Finally a guy I can work out my problems with. Monday he told us that he leaves on Wednesday to work somwhere else.


Depression.jpeg

So I had at least a week of free time to really think about how much I enjoy life. I met a girl though (she also has bpd) We instantly liked each other. Two young stoners in a Clinic full of alcoholics. So we like each other a little more each day. We start making jokes about kissing and stuff. Not long before we actually kissed. We share very fucked up secrets that I won't go into detail about. (It's been 6 years since I trusted a girl that much) I slip out: "I love you" She panics and distances herself. I panic because I can't spend time with her all the time. I have a really f'd talk with the clinic about future work environment.

Pressure.mp3

Aight that's enough. I burn my arm just to release tension. Most severe self harm I've done so far. I'm thinking about telling the nurses but first I call the girl from earlier after we promised that we'll be there for each other. I show her my arm. She starts shaking. I start shaking. She bandages my arm. I leave. We fight via text message. 

1 week later

I told my new therapist about my longing for self harm and she suggests that I get tested for bpd. Oh god pls no anything but please don't let it be bpd (sorry you guys 😅 bad experience with bpd patients)

New years eve

The girl and I have kinda gotten good friends again over the last 2-3 days. Patiens are divided into little groups in this clinic. I was more in my group and she was in another group all the time. We got a little music playing in the smokers area. She comes by. We laugh. Another dude dude from the group she was with all the time comes along. She playfully hits his arm. Ohnonononononono. Please. Not this. Not again. Not in the exact same way as last time. She kisses him. I fall apart. I go into the woods near the clinic to scream and cry. After I come back I take my sleep medication and actually manage to get some sleep.

Next day

Alright Mr. xxxxx It seems like your problem acutally is borderline personality disorder. She kept talking for a while after that but I couldn't listen.

1 hour later

I start thinking about the girl I like. I text her. We start fighting. Fighting bad. I get angry. After about an hour of hurting each other I tell her that I can't just be friends with her. It would destroy me. She says that she's sorry then. I've been crying or angry most of the day. I've got a rubber band to at least not burn or cut myself. For a long time I have not actually considered suicide but right now I'm really really sick of breathing. I haven't eaten the whole day and I can't sleep even with my high dosis of sleep medication. 

Welcome 2021.


So yeah, what are you guys thinking. Got any tipps for a newly diagnosed 21 year old. What should I do with my life now? How do I get past being rejected again?