I'm watching myself fall back into bad habits and I don't have the energy or the willpower to even attempt at stopping it. the second I get paid I'm getting more hair dye, another piercing and some tattoos. normally I would cut and this feeling would go away but I threw my only blade away when I moved so I don't have it. and it sucks cause I've been trying to ignore the fucking urge to hurt myself for a solid week now and nothing has worked, so I'm going back into trying to change every part of my appearance just to feel something.

the worst part is I can see myself ruining my life because my dream job hates any individuality, so there's no chance I'm going to get into my career path with me doing this shit so it's a double whammy of a relapse and self sabotage. that, and I may or may not fall into debt. I couldn't care less if I am in debt cause I'm not gonna live for much longer anyway, but it's still kinda fucked up lmao.