Hello, I feel like my mind is gaslighting me these days. It's forcing me to think of things and making me think that I'm a messed up person.

Something occurred a day ago, it was a very normal thing that happened, somehow I don't know why but when it happened, I was thinking of something? Or rather, I wasn't thinking of anything? I'm not really sure, I think I was thinking of something and I had a really twisted thought go through in my head and my reaction wasn't like my usual 'what the actual fuck?' reaction. Instead I just stood there like nothing happened. No afterthought or anything. I just stood there like everything was normal and I didn't vehemently fight that thought like how I usually do, especially the thought I had in early February which made me recoil in horror. I didn't have any reaction. I didn't label it as an intrusive thought. I just let it be. What makes me feel really ashamed is how I think I just... didn't counter the thought whatsoever. Did I entertain it? I'm not sure. But at the same time I don't think I had any thought? I don't know how to explain it but my mind is in a mess right now, I didn't exactly feel or think a certain way, or did I? I remember how I felt, I didn't really feel anything, nor did I think of anything, but I think I did think of something, I really think I did, but why did I not have a strong reaction to it? Only now that I back up and think, 'what the fuck? what is wrong with me?'. Sometimes I'm so tired I just don't want to think at all. Which makes me feel sick because why? Why don't I feel anything, or something, or that sinking feeling I've always felt?

Here I am and my head is forcing me to feel something and think that I'm a very messed up person. I don't think I'm a messed up person but my head is forcing me to think that I am. I thought I was getting better but I don't think I am. I got worse. Not only am I back at where I started months ago, I've taken three steps back from that starting point...

Recently too, something also happened, I'm sure I didn't have any messed up intentions, but right now my head is forcing me to think that I did, in fact, have messed up intentions, and that I'm someone who's sick in the head. But I'm not, I don't want to be someone messed up, I'm not messed up, I don't think I am, but my head keeps thinking that I am, for whatever reason, its forcing me to think and think and dwell on things and obsess over stuff which normal people won't obsess over. It keeps making connections to certain things I never thought about in certain ways, which is contributing to everything. I can't even leave home now. I'm scared. I'm also afraid to go to sleep, I'm afraid of being alone, I'm afraid of doing just about anything. I'd rather be in bed all day long and not think about anything but it's not going to help too. But one thing that's really obvious to me is how I'm the only person who can get out of this, but at the same time my mind is tormenting me so much!!!! I don't know how to deal with this or counter the thoughts. I want to hang out with friends and be happy, but...? I feel like I can't.

These things keep jumping at me. I've got other things that bother me too, which I thought I dealt with, but I guess not because I was escaping from everything. Now I'm back at square one, exactly at the place I was in approximately two months ago. I'm really scared, and no doubt I do have thoughts of wanting to end it all... I'm scared of going to seek professional help even though I was thinking of it at the start of the week. I don't want to talk to anyone about this. I am in counselling now and my session with my counsellor isn't until a few weeks later.

I'm supposed to hang out with my friends today but I have no idea why so many things have happened! I never expected this to occur. I'm scared of everything now, even myself. Sometimes I wish I were someone else. At the moment of writing I don't feel like hanging out with them anymore, but being in bed won't help either.

Please help, I think I'm going crazy. I'm very sorry for the ramble but I'm trying to articulate everything to the best of my ability. I'm also very scared of private messages on here for some reason