Basically what the title says: I’ve been feeling a lot of anger and frustration as a result of my BPD lately, and it almost feels like I’m personifying it as a separate entity even though it is a part of me. There are two main things that are bothering me:

1. I feel like I can’t trust any thought or feeling i experience and 2. I feel like I’ve wasted so much of my life because of this, especially pre-diagnosis. 

Context: I was diagnosed in 2017 at a crisis center after a suicide attempt but didn’t pursue treatment much besides the first few weeks post-attempt. Flash forward to about a month ago: I cheated on my fiancé with one of my best friends. It caused tons of stress for everyone involved, especially me due to guilt/confusion/mental strain. Before anyone tells me I’m making myself the victim, I want to make it clear that I’ve worked really hard to make sure I take responsibility and have been trying to not use BPD as an excuse (because it’s not - I knew I wanted to have sex with this friend even though I wasn’t anticipating it.)   I told my fiancé, and he was strangely very calm and still wants to get married.

However, everything after has been so tumultuous and I have been just dying inside with the inability to take significant action. I called off my wedding (which was supposed to be in 6 months) because I can at least say for sure that it’s obvious I’m not ready to get married. However, I haven’t broken up with my fiancé (now boyfriend, i suppose) because I truly cannot trust any conclusions I come to. Some days I am so sure that I am done with this relationship and ready to be alone and find myself and be single again, and then the next day I panic and tell myself I’m stupid for leaving someone who loves me so much and wants to give me the world, even if it’s a relationship with no passion and with so many struggles to connect to each other (he and i don’t have much in common). 

Age is a huge part of it too, and that’s where the wasted time comes in. I’m 28 and i know that’s not old to many people, but i just feel so behind and like I’m too old to be “finding myself”. Then i get mad because most of what’s held me back is mental illness. I just hate it. I feel like I’m victimizing myself but then I get filled with resentment thinking about how i just kept slipping through the cracks when i was younger and it led to me being... this, whatever this is.

I’m starting therapy next week and applying for my own apartment this week, so i guess those are good steps. I am just full of so much fear. I know a few things for sure: i know i love my fiancé, even if i don’t know if I’m IN LOVE with him. I know i love the friend i slept with and care for him very much. I know I’m not ready to get married. But that’s it, the rest is just uncertainty and fear and a vicious cycle of making decisions and then immediately second guessing them and beating myself up about them. 

I just needed to express this because i have felt so goddamn lonely and abandoned and ashamed. I am doing much much better than i was back when this all happened, but it’s still a struggle.