A re-occurring theme in my life have been people that invalidate how I feel.. 

It's a reason, I believe.. that I have this condition to begin with. Being berated for feeling things. 

Tonight, I was talking to someone.. a former FP that I've managed to push back into friendzone (or rather.. that I unfortunately pushed back into friendzone)  and he finally told me the truth. 

I was in need of a shoulder. I didn't want problems solved. He tried to solve it and I had reasons for everything he presented as a solution. He got mad, and I sent him an article talking about a shoulder vs a problem solver. It just made him mad. He finally laid into me. 

&amp;#x200B;

&gt;*Ya know.. all you ever do is complain, you're always so negative, I try to listen, I try to help but you're just negative and you throw everything in my face!*   
&gt;  
&gt;Y*ou should really just get over yourself! Have any of those shrinks every told you that?* (no because I consider it abusive and invalidating.. am I wrong?) *Stop getting tied up in your little pity party!*  
&gt;  
&gt;*Ya know, I'm a person too and I have emotions too and all you do is spit in my face.*   


At this point I started to apologize and say that it was my fault and my inability to control my emotions and that I was wrong to burden them.   


&gt;*And now you're going to throw this trauma stuff in my face? What am I supposed to say to that?*

&amp;#x200B;

I apologized more, said that I had treated them poorly and that I was wrong, and that I wouldn't bother them anymore. 

&amp;#x200B;

&gt;*Ya know you really need to get over yourself. Smile more! It makes others around you happy. It's what I do.* 

So... I lost a friend tonight. Why? Because I was crying about a family member who died recently in a terrible way and how I was afraid of dying alone. 

I don't wanna live like this.. this is my entire life. This happens to everyone I know and everyone I talk to. I eventually make them mad enough that they tell me how they really feel and they drop me. This near exact conversation has happened to me 3 times in the last year alone. 

I don't know what to do anymore... I can't  keep doing this. I know this is my fault.. all of it is.. but I don't know how to be any other way. I guess I just.. shut my emotions off and just hide them? But isn't that how I wound up like this to begin with? I trusted this person and let them into my life and when I got too abrasive I pushed them out of my life a bit.. but.. I was still too abrasive.. and now I've ruined a good thing with a good person.