i try so hard to be happy, even if im having to fake it. i want to do my best and i try everyday. to wake up, take a shower, brush my teeth, care for my daughter, go to work, try to make ends meet with a job that doesn't pay me nearly enough. im in school full time to try to get a better job so i don't have to worry abt my bills being paid. it's hard. being a single mom. i gave my everything to her dad and all he had to do was not cheat on me. he gaslit me into thinking i was the problem. and i finally had enough and left. but should i have? at what cost? my peace? i may have been done wrong, multiple times but i didn't have to worry abt this type of stuff by myself. at least the bills are paid. but i almost feel like i was just as miserable as i am now. ive always flirted with the thought of suicide. i already know how id do it. i have the perfect spot in my backyard to do it. and everyday i get closer and closer to doing it. i can't do it anymore. i just don't want to feel anymore. noone loves me like they say they do. they break me down the second they get the chance. im just so tired and over it.