Diagnosed last year by a therapist.

So, I met someone, a new FP if you will. However this is the first time I've been completely honest with myself and spilled out everything to them. Their response was that I am perfect. After getting to know them I believe I have found my soulmate. Howevever, an episode almost cost me that perfect \(to me\) person and relationship. A note that all my previous relationships have ended horribly. I never had a proper break up because of people being afraid I'd lose my shit and not wanting to be around when it happens. Either that or I just get cheated on because I am not seemingly good enough for most people, but I digress.

We were having an honesty hour, and without warning me \(to be fair I didn't tell her I have BPD\) told me about a casual relationship her and her best friend were having. Having horrible memories of previous relationships, it really struck a cord with me and not a good one. I almost immediately lost it. I spent half the night acting like a 5 year old who was having a temper tantrum for not getting a toy or something. I was being self destructive, going from hating her to not wanting her to leave every other minute, wanting to hurt anyone who looks at her or hangs out with her, almost just pure jealousy or trauma took over.  I was a wreck, so much so I don't even remember half the night. I have completely blacked out and when this happens, I am most definitely not myself. Reading the chat logs, I am surprised she didn't just stop within the first half hour of this 7 hour episode. She didn't deserve it and deserves better. I

However, she is still here. She still says she loves me and wants to be around me. She still thinks I am perfect. I don't understand.. after all that why would I even be near perfect? I feel like damaged goods and that makes me scared, because I always seem to think people only see me for my psychotic behavior rather than who I truly am when I am "normal" and seemingly fine? I don't like these huge outbursts of anger, depression, sadness, and self destructive habits. I feel bad because no one deserves to be put through that.. I wish I was more normal for her but that just can't happen. I just hope she stays around because I've never found anyone so perfect to me before naturally, without changing who I am to appease others.

This is just a vent, I felt like talking about it or at least sharing some light here. Even if you have BPD, you still have a chance at finding true unconditional love. That is all. Be safe out there everyone.