I'm extremely stressed right now, and while that would usually make me feel lifeless and want to just dissociate and stop thinking, it's had the opposite effect this time.

I feel like I have a dangerous amount of confidence. I just want to do everything that I think would be fun without worrying about the consequences.

On a less serious level, I picked up a giant spider today even though I've had arachnophobia my entire life. I've always been terrified of them but something in me just wanted to prove that I could do it.

On a more serious and concerning level, I've started to drive recklessly even though I've always been a very careful driver and have never been pulled over or part of an accident. But now I just want to have fun. I'm blasting music, speeding, and drifting in my toyota shitbox (attempting to drift, that is).

I feel amazing, but also I have no self control and I realize that my actions are extremely reckless and irresponsible. But at the same time, I'm fearless and I feel free. It's not that I feel content with dying, it's just that the fear part of my brain has essentially switched off

I honestly have no idea whether my depression is at an all time high or low.