Hi everyone,

I'm (40m) new to this sub, and hope that this post is appropriate. I'm writing to ask for support in helping my fiance (43f), who appears to be suffering from crippling anxiety.

A bit of background: My fiance grew up in a stressful home with a father who was emotionally and occasionally physically abusive. Her father is now estranged from the family, and he and my fiance do not get along. However, they share many characteristics, and my fiance frequently expresses dread at the idea that she's turning into him.

Her anxiety attacks follow a certain pattern. She will develop intense fear that the worst-case scenario is bound to happen, and that it's entirely up to her to prevent it. For instance, mild criticism from her boss will lead her to believe without a shred of doubt that she's going to get fired. She becomes convinced that her friends do not like her. Throughout the pandemic, she had an anxiety attack about the safety of the vaccines, and has developed an acute fear of becoming infected because she is convinced that she will either die or surely get long COVID. 

Tellingly, she seldom acts on these fears. She's great at her job, has many friends, is universally well-liked, and, in spite of her COVID fears, has not been a shut-in during the pandemic: We've gone to restaurants, friends' houses, traveled, etc. 

Each of her anxiety attacks is followed by a period of self-loathing, where she feels immense guilt and shame at subjecting me to them. She has expressed that living with me can feel confining because there's nowhere she can go to hide. She often says that she is afraid that her attacks will make me miserable, and that they'll ruin our relationship. I often think that these things are self-fulfilling prophecies

Also, if it isn't clear, 95% of the time she's a delightful, joyous person, and I love her dearly. We have a great relationship, our values are aligned, we love each other's families, and have planned an exciting wedding.

But I admit that I struggle to respond effectively to her anxiety attacks. I'm a recovering alcoholic with four years' sobriety, and very often my only resource is in the language of recovery. I also allow my frustration to get the better of me, and end up mansplaining things in a logical way. That doesn't go well. We get trapped in these exhausting, circular arguments that go on for hours. 

She has a talk therapist that she meets with, virtually, every week; she also takes anti-anxiety medication on occasion as well. But she's concerned that these measures just aren't working. She feels that she's made little progress in therapy, and that her condition is only growing worse.

I love her more than anything and just want to help, but I'm afraid my attempts to do so aren't working. If anyone has any advice, I'd be grateful to hear it.