I found out my boyfriend (who I’ve lived with for a year) has been emotionally cheating on me for months with a girl at work.
He’s been gaslighting me and lying since February. He distanced himself away from me and would argue all the time with me. I figured it was due to stress with work &amp; depression.

Then he started going out every night with coworkers- which is fine, just very different as he never has gone out much. He also has been getting back into shape, dressing nicer and grooming more.

When I first confronted him via phone he denied it and said I was crazy. Then in person when I asked if there’s someone else he told me everything. 
I left to stay by my parents for the weekend &amp; came back to our place last night. 

Conversation came about to essentially what now? He said he wants us to work on himself and see how we do, take it day by day. Still wants me to move out. So I assumed that meant we are working on our relationship and he said no and that he also cancelled our trip abroad. I broke down and threatened to call his job and expose this forbidden affair, &amp; to harm myself. I had panic attack while doing so.

I feel utterly ashamed for letting my emotions win. For allowing him to see how much I love him and am hurt. When realistically, I don’t think I can ever trust him again without always worrying he’s with this girl. 

How to I recover and be strong? I’m going back to my parents and don’t plan to return to our place for awhile.

Tl;dr
Found out boyfriend has been having emotional affair with coworker for months. I broke down and had an episode &amp; panic attack. How do I recover to be strong and allow him to realize what he’s done?