For the last few months I've begun to feel like I'm in prison. I don't do much of anything and I barely get out of the house.

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My only time out is therapy, which is once a week, and shopping. Neither gets me out for any substantial amount of time. 

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I've been going back and forth over getting a job inside my head but it just feels like so much. I haven't worked in over 10 years so getting back into the workforce isn't going to be easy nor will it be fun.

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It's just another cell for me to rot in, right? Getting a job? Because then I'm bound to stay at that one place for however many hours, however many days a week. It's still a prison.

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But I think about it a lot. I live with my brother and we both collect SSI so we're fine in terms of money. We both are minimalists so neither of us need much of anything.

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But if I could just get over this, get myself to commit to getting and keeping a job, we could move wherever we want! I could get us a car for the first time, we could go camping and fishing again. There are many benefits to me getting a job. I'm well aware of everything I gain if I can do this.

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But I also lose a whole lot too. I can't just sit around staring at the walls anymore, even as much as it is driving me insane, it's still something I know I'll miss. I won't get to play games much anymore, having a job might interfere with my therapy, and I'll be expected to actually show up and do work.

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There's a lot to be said, but for the life of me I can't commit one way or another. I can't just get up and expect to get back into work and at the same time I can't stand sitting here, just wasting the day away, locked inside this prison cell.

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I'm still locked inside that room, I've always been locked inside that room. For 30 years I've been locked inside that room. Nothing has ever changed that. It's almost like I'm meant to die here and suicide crosses my mind daily.

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There truly is nothing left out there for me. Nothing new, no new adventure, no new experience. Just more of the same as always. Unless I can get myself off my ass and pit that door to go find work.

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I'm at the point of making the jump, but I'm so scared. Even admitting that to myself brings tears to my eyes. I don't know so many things and here I know everything, because the answer is always the same in this prison. Which makes it comfortable, knowing what to expect and what not to expect.

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Life is never easy, but I just need a break from this. It never goes away. I just want to stop feeling like this. Like no matter what I do, I'm still locked inside that room after all these years. Like I'll never break free.

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All the answers are there. The only thing left for me to do is jump. But can I? Will I? I'd like to think that I'll do it. But everyday that slips by is another day that I've just stayed here. I know I don't deserve this. I know I want more from this life.

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Like I said, all the answers are there. I've gone over them a million times inside my head if not more. I just can't help it, I can't help wasting away here. It's in my blood.