First i would like to apologise for my terrible spelling and punctuation, it is not my strong point.

I have always felt like i was different to my siblings and peers. I had selective mutism until i was 6, I have always felt depressed as a child and that has continued on my whole life. I finally went to see a doctor about my depression aged around 23 when i had a still born baby at 9 months because i was struggling so much. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression so was put on anti depressants, They didn't help so was put on different meds, they didn't help so the cycle of trying different meds began. I have been on so many.

Around the age of 36 i came across an article about BPD and it sounded just like me so i took the information to my doctor to ask for an official diagnosis, They *reluctantly referred me to a* psychiatrist who eventually agreed i had it so was put on different meds, I am still on those meds now which is venlafaxine and Lamotrigine.

At the age of 14 i attempted to kill myself by overdosing on paracetamol but got scared and didn't take enough. 

My mum is an alcoholic that self harms and is violent, especially to my dad who is her enabler, i  now have no contact with them for the past 3 years. I wish so much everyday that i had killed myself on that day and have thought about it everyday since. My mum is a *disgusting*  human that never enjoyed raising kids so i had a very shitty life,  I have 6 siblings, I am the oldest. 

I now have a husband who is my world and i could never ask for anyone better, we have been married for 20 years and have 6 fantastic kids. I feel like I am so lucky to have them but just cant get past all of the abuse that i had to put up with as a child and teen. I am suicidal everyday and when it gets really bad i self harm. I feel like a terrible person because my family have to deal with what an awful person i am.

To be honest I am not sure why i am writing this and reading it back it looks like a load of waffle but i am 42 now and i am so tired of feeling bitter about life, It doesn't bring me any joy and that makes me feel terrible because my husband and kids mean the world to me and here i am wanting to just kill myself everyday. I know they would be heartbroken if i did so i am just left lingering in this so called **existence**  pretending to everyone that  i am fine, my husband does know how i'm feeling and tries to support me everyday. 

I feel so empty and unlovable and just totally worthless.

Thank you to anybody that actually reads this thing but i guess i just needed to rant.