People might tell me off for this but please know that my mental state is fragile right now and I just need to vent and hear opinions I guess 

Does anyone else feel like sometimes dissociating could be a gift? Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying it’s pleasant whatsoever, and I feel for people who have to deal with it because it is frightening and hard (my partner can severely dissociate and the room will start changing and I feel for them so much😞)

My point is... I’m always awake. Always present, my mind is constant. My inner voice never stops and when I’m in a high stress situation and having anxiety attack over anxiety attack screaming and fighting the urge to self harm (and failing) sometimes I feel jealous that I can’t switch off and wake up when it’s done. 

And I guess I know dissociating isn’t like that, switching off when it’s done. I don’t know I guess this is more a rant about my shitty brain and how I just want things to just turn off sometimes. 

Sorry about this post, it’s messy and all over the place and I will certainly take it down if it hurts anybody’s feelings as that’s not my intention.