so i struggle with ocd for years. today i can control ocd in someways but i have another huge problem. cant deal with myself, like i hate the way i look, the way i talk, the way i treat people. so i see myself as a low self esteem human without goal. i wake up thinking what should i do today, ending up doing nothing and its freaking me out. its like i dont want to waste any more time considering what i have already lost. smoking pack a day. unstoppable anxiety at work. huge fear of being weak like its in my blood all time my brain tells me how coward i am. cant read books, cant watch movies cant study, cant express feelings, i want to love, to care more than i do, i want to be happy with everything i have but i see myself want to be more and more like an animal, and of the day i pray and still hold on hope. i turned 19 today. can i regain happines which i had before? and is it depression ? it was always in me but because of ocd  could not think about that.