Genuinely. How can you know? I find it really hard. I have a partner, long term relationship, but I have had multiple FPs who weren't him. In a way I feel like it helped us have a more normal relationship. Problem is I just don't feel like I'm that into him.

I don't really know if I should go with my gut on this. I used to just kinda go with my gut on this kind of thing, but I know I can't trust my brain so it makes it hard.

I feel like our relationship has just become so mundane. Most of the time we just sit around each other but don't actually talk much. When we do something together we're just passively watching things together.

I think one of the big things I feel is missing is conversation. We both like to talk about very specific interests and I feel like because our interests are different it is pretty hard. He doesn't seem interested in what I want to talk about at all and this makes it harder to act interested in what he has to say when it is a subject I don't care about much.

It's not just this though. I mean, when I compare how quickly I respond to an FP, it is usually almost instant and I have to remind myself not to respond in seconds or else I'll seem kinda needy and weird. With my partner I can go hours without responding and not feel a thing.

It FEELS kinda like I'm just "not that into him" but I don't know if that's entirely caused by my mental illness. I don't really know if "talk to him about this" is a great idea because if this is just my brain being broken, I don't want him to worry unnecessarily.

Sex with my partner is just awkward overall. I have to make the first move pretty much always which is hard to do sober because I'm quite shy about that sort of thing. I feel like I prefer a guy to be dominant but he seems to prefer the girl to be dominant. I don't know if this is a deal breaker though. The sex life has been overall pretty unsatisfying but that was always kind of a trade off for the fact that we got along so well.

Now we are just getting more and more distant. I feel neglected. I don't feel like I can talk about things that interest me because he's very dismissive and rude if I do. I just wonder if this is really going anywhere?

When I think about forever, being with him forever (we are at that stage of our relationship) I kinda feel like there's a pit in my stomach. It's hard to know what to feel about this though. I seem to go back and forth on this.

A part of me just wants to break up and do something else. Another part of me wants to hang on and see. I am not sure though. It feels like this relationship is just comfortable though, but I don't know if it is real love. Is this just because there's no NRE here? I don't really know.

How do you know when you love/don't love someone? Especially when you have BPD and you can end up loving an FP you don't even know? I don't know...

Thoughts?