This is likely to pale in comparison to most of the posts on here, namely because i don't *think* i am suicidal.  I do on occaision find myself thinking 'what is the point?' &amp; 'killing myself would be easier than trying to deal with my problems'.  That is as far as those thoughts go, though.

Me and my wife have been getting into frequent arguments about my outlook on life for several years.  I keep getting told that i am a negative person, and that things I get worked up over shouldn't impact me the way that they are.  To an extent I agree with her, I happily admit that I do call people names and tell people to go fuck themselves under my breath if i am getting held up unnecessarily by someone (they never hear it, it is purely a way for me to vent my frustrations).

I have always been pessimistic, I am wary of strangers and generally expect the worst outcomes for situations that have any level of uncertainty.  I've always thought that it was just a healthy skepticism since we live in a world where there are so many people willing to screw over a stranger to make a quick buck.

My coping mechanism for these feelings has always been my PC and/or videogames.  I remember as a child if i heard my parents argue or fight intensely I would throw on some headphones and find a way to drown out my parents.

This method of coping has 'worked' for me for over 20 years, particularly when i was younger and had no commitments or responsibilities.  Now though? it is actually making things worse.

My wife absolutely detests what i would call serious gaming, she likes her basic Mario / Yoshi / Kirby style platformer games, but doesn't like the games i play (eSports style, CSGO, Valorant, Heroes of the storm, Apex Legends, etc).  She also doesn't like me being on the computer for long periods of time, which then leads to more fighting and arguing between us.

I know i am rambling a little bit, but feel that some back story may help describe my predicament better, bear with me, the r/depression bit is coming!

If i have a bad day, I'll gravitate towards my computer with the hope of escaping reality and relaxing for a couple of hours, which will then trigger my wife.  She will come in to where i am and confront me about 'how i am on the computer all the time' and how she isnt going to put up with it.

Now, I understand and accept that this coping mechanism is impacting her, but all this is doing is making me feel worse about myself, which makes me just want to stay on there for longer.  The vicious cycle is now complete.

I have tried to find other ways to relax, but none of them actually work.  I get irritable and it is even easier to trigger this negativity that my wife dislikes so much, which then leads to another one of these upsetting arguments, and before i know it, im back at my PC waiting for the next threat of my wife leaving me.

This comes across as someone who hates their wife, and in these situations, maybe i do.  Outside of this though, life is pretty great, we have decent paying jobs, own our house, are able to take vacations most years - generally we are in the 'cant complain' camp for most things that cause these feelings of despair and depression.

over the last 3 years, though, I have started to suffer from chronic insomnia, I get super anxious to the point where I can't think straight and then go into a chaotic panic that usually just makes things worse, and afterwards i feel a pathetic, worthless, useless burden to everyone around me.  

It has gotten to a point where I am booking time off work so i can sit on my computer and block out the world around me, sometimes for days at a time.

I have gone to see a doctor, and have been prescribed antidepressants at the recommendation of a therapist.  I am also going through the motions of being tested for adult ADHD and anxiety to see if there is some sort of explanation about why i feel and do the things that i do.

I just wanted to put this into writing somewhere, as i am certain my wife doesn't or wouldn't understand if i tried to talk to her about all of this.

Suicide is not an active desire, but more of a nagging thought in the distance.