I have had my first big bpd outbreak in years. I have been with my boyfriend for two and have known him for five and have overall kept my cool. We got a place together four months ago and I've slowly been on a spiral downwards. Tonight I was the worst I have maybe ever been and now I know he can no longer take it and he is going to leave. He is now asleep and I was awful and looked through his phone. He is googling a girl he almost cheated on me with in the past and is looking for new places on craigslist. He does not know I have bpd because he does not really believe in mental illness so I never bring it up. I feel so alone, I have no family or close friends. I moved six hours away from home to be with him and now I'm lost and scared and hate myself. 

I apologize that this post is so erratic. I just need to vent and I honestly don't know what I'm doing. I want to die. 