I’m seeing a new psychiatrist soon and hoping for a diagnosis of something so I can finally work towards healing this “thing” I have. Originally I just thought it was a quirk I had, but as my reactions to important relationships changing in my life became more severe, it became more apparent to me that there was something more going on. I always get heavily and easily attached to people, almost always of the opposite gender and feed off any relationship and interaction I have with them and it feels like they have the ability to control my mood that day, in the sense that something related to them or my relationship to them has the capacity to make my day so much better, or so much worst in a matter of seconds. 

My emotions regarding these things get so intense I’ve often felt suicidal during these episodes or even resorted to self harm or self medicating with drugs. But then like an hour or 2 later, I feel better about it. It kinda feels like bipolar (which my dad has) but without the periods of time that different states go for eg a week manic or a week depressed, and these feelings are basically always related to relationships. 

Just recently a very close friend of mine (who fits all you guys’ description of a ‘favourite person’) was diagnosed with bpd which makes sense because she very recently split on me entirely and I was left so hurt and confused by it. I just want some advice from people that are experienced with bpd so please don’t comment “go see a psychiatrist and get a real diagnosis instead of looking at it yourself”because I am doing that. 

The reason I wonder is because I tend not to split on people. I tend to bounce back and forth sometimes wanting to cut ties with them for the hurt they’ve caused me but almost always I forgive them and treat them no differently pretty quickly after. When I compare myself to my friend, I don’t cut people off like ever, whereas she often told me stories of her many ex friends or ex best friends. I’ve just always wanted people to feel like I have no embittered towards them even if they have hurt me greatly so I tend to implode when dealing with a lot of the hurt related to them rather than explode like it seems a lot of other bpd people do. Any advice would be awesome as I’m after some perspectives. Also diagnosed with adhd just for reference.

Thanks!

Tl;dr -
Have kept a diary and been watching my emotions for years now and feel like I might have bpd but I am unsure as I don’t tend to split on people in the way people with bpd commonly do.