I just don't. I feel like the worst person in the world, all the time. And then everyone's like "no dude ur like just imagining it all nobody hates u tf" but like, that's wrong. I know I'm right when I say that nobody really likes me. Once someone gets to know me, they start seeing through the kindness and warmth and they can see the real me, a horrible stinkin crazy bitch. They can see how desperate I am for love but they just can't give it to me, because they know i don't deserve it. 

I don't even know what I did wrong to not deserve love or happiness or joy from doing my favorite things. I just, exist, and that's the worst possible thing. I appologize that I exist, and still I'm not allowed to be happy. Because the universe is all like "no fuck u" and hurts me. I want to just die so I don't have to bofher anyone anymore. I feel like a big turd on a trail, and everyone has to step over me and ignore me, just the sight or smell of me makes them sick, but someone steps into me on accident, and they've now become committed to removing me from their lives completely, lest I become a constant reminder to them of my mere exiatence.

I've been taking my meds like I was told but I'm still not happy after all these years. Nothing really helps and seasonal depression usually gets me in the summer time. I'm gonna be like this until the leaves change.