I just got diagnosed last week. Even though I'm not 18, the therapist was positive it was bpd. Ive been in an extremely hateful mood lately to the point where (of course, I'd never hurt anyone) I dream/want them to be punished and humiliated. I daydream about showing up to the houses of the girls who have always judged me, snickered at me, and went out of their way to kick me and I want to beat them into a bloody, broken mess and hear them cry because they do deserve it. I remember to this day when a kid in elementary school pushed me away from her friend and walked off giving me a dirty look. I was left alone in the dirt by myself. Thats the first time (and not the last) that i was physically bullied by anyone. I was only in 1st grade, I didn't even know what a bully was. They simply didn't want me to play. That one moment sums up my whole life. Like most people, im guilty of being judgmental, but I still smile and treat people kindly. I would never go out of my way to belittle someone to their face for the fuck of it. I don't care if people think I'm ugly, because I know I am and I understand that not everyone will find me attractive. However, it's one thing to have a personal opinion that's kept to yourself then to fucking actually TELL someone that you think they're ugly. What do you gain from that? Since that very first day of middle school, I was the scary looking emo girl with a crooked face and funky teeth, a shitty haircut that my hair type could never pull off, dark circles, swollen chapped lips, a pot belly even though I wasn't overweight or even chubby (that I still have), and no sense of how to makeup or hair but I still tried anyways. This wouldn't be bad if I would have grown into my looks. I turn 17 in february and I haven't changed. I'm ugly as fuck. I've never experienced any affection or attention from anyone since I was a baby so now I don't feel connected to anyone. I'm empathetic, I just can't connect on a personal and human level with anyone especially girls my own age. I don't feel human. I feel like the outsider of the outsiders. I don't feel like I belong here which is why I've also been feeling suicidal lately. I just don't know what to do. I want to make my mom and dad proud and be happy, cute, pretty, and bubbly like my sister but that's not reality. My reality is being isolated every day of every week even from family. No friends, even my cousins who I used to hangout with all the time avoid me. One of them used to treat me like shit even before I split on her. So I have all the proof I need to know that I'm just an unwanted piece of shit and thats reality. I feel cursed like this has to be a bad dream. This wasn't who I was supposed to be doing with myself and my life. 