TW: self harm

Today I had a really bad fight with someone I was very close to, and it resulted in me cutting her off for good and self harming in the process. I don’t want to go into details because the argument itself was stupid - however I could feel that my emotions and urge to self harm had immediately gone nuts, so I left before anything bad could be said (by me). I felt like I did the right things - I went first to a public space with some friends/acquantiances (not a COVID breach here), and then home (while talking to support people) when things got worse. I needed to be alone so I could calm down and then contact her when I wasn’t at risk. But she kept messaging me stuff that would set me back - “you’re overreacting” etc. It got so bad that I did end up self harming, and I snapped and told her I was through with her. She hit me back by saying it’s all my fault, that I did this to [mutual friend] (that girl was super bigoted towards me, that’s why I cut her off), and that I’m going to lose all my friends and be alone. I’m feeling so crushed and upset after all this. It was a stupid argument but I really tried - I removed myself and tried a lot of strategies to prevent self harming, and before the last big argument I had used DEAR MAN a couple of times, trying to make her understand. It seemed like she literally could not understand what I was saying - even down to “do not say I’m overreacting, my emotions are valid and I’m allowed to feel this way and to leave because of it”. And then for her to say I’m going to lose all my friends - to me that’s so horrible. I don’t even think it’s true, as I have a lot of people who could be considered friends these days. I’m just feeling so crushed because we were close and the argument itself was dumb, but I can’t forgive her for the way she acted and how she couldn’t understand literally anything I was saying. A big part of it too was that she kept spamming me and wasn’t giving me the space I needed, which she then said was because I didn’t ask. I was one rude message away from cutting and I physically walked out, what more is there to say? 

On a broader note, it’s not the first time that an ex friend has viewed me as....I guess socially incompetent? And acted like they were my only option. It really hurts, and maybe it’s because I’m a private person but it’s not like that. I’m also autistic and that DID impact my social life when I met today’s friend and the other - but these days I have more friends and i CAN make new friends.

It also feels so hard because I try a lot to use DBT techniques and general healthy communication, and it never works. I either get gaslight or the other person is just extremely toxic. It’s so hard because I’m trying to be mentally healthy and not self harm, and it feels like other people are almost actively undermining that effort. It’s like, why do I even bother? And why have I been taught stuff like DEAR MAN if everyone else is just going to ignore/get angry if I use it?