Hi, I’m f, 28, diagnosed last week with BPD and bipolar. I’ve been taking Effexor 150mg since about 2013, which I learned can make bipolar worse. Also take 300mg Wellbutrin. I’m awaiting assessment for autism and adhd. 

Long story short, my partner for what would have been 7 years next month, broke up with me in an act of self-preservation. Over the last two years especially, I’d been spiraling worse and worse and never felt capable of getting help myself (scheduling w a new therapist after I lost mine in December 2022). I’ve been taking several steps back to take inventory of how I’ve hurt them. My first manic episode lately, hairpin trigger emotions/insecurity. I ran their credit into the dirt over the span of our relationship, it was perfect/unestablished when they met me. They’re about $2k in debt minimum because of me. 

I can’t stop thinking about why couldn’t I have just picked up the phone instead of emailing my psych? Why did I let myself get swallowed into a hole where all I could do was work and subsequently crash (02/22-05/22). The pet responsibilities largely fell on my partner from this time frame. 

I feel like such a shit person because I really fucking hurt the one person that I swore I would never ever hurt. And even worse, I didn’t even realize just how bad I hurt them until now. 

Why was my dissociating head so far up my fucking ass. I feel like a shit person. Even after I pay them back (gonna snowball method that debt), I still feel like they’ll resent me for a really long time. I fucked it all up and now the best thing that ever happened to me is gone. For good? Probably. We’re staying friends, and they say they’re still my family for life (I have none), but that love that once was is probably gone forever and I fucking hate myself for it. I won’t get to spend the holidays with their family, the family that’s welcomed me as their own for the past however many holidays. 

How do you guys cope with a new diagnosis/taking inventory of your interpersonal damages???