Hello, I apologize if this violates the rules. I am truly running out of ideas and am seeking compassionate advice.

For awhile now things have not been easy. I want to support my SO and give them what they need to be happy, I've wanted that, but at this point I am so constantly drained and anxious that I don't feel like myself much anymore. Almost everything I do is scrutinized and perceived as abandonment, indifference to our relationship, or an attack on them. Unfortunately, I can't give too many details because I don't want them to see this and realize it is about them. All I can say is they, possibly without even realizing it, have become very bitter and emotionally controlling. They have been in therapy and trying different meds for years, but in my opinion it does not ever seem to change anything in a positive way-- maybe for a few days every now and then, but eventually old habits always come back with a vengeance.

I have tried to leave before, but I do not do well at all with tears. I hate to see people hurt, especially people I care about. And to be clear I do care about them. I care about them a lot. I would never, ever want anything bad to befall them. Unfortunately, when things have gotten explosively bad in the past, or I've tried to say I cannot handle us anymore, they have insinuated they want to end their life, or at the least cease to exist. It brings me indescribable pain to hear someone I truly value contemplate suicide. For them to feel that alone because of me and to know their pain, and possibly their death, is on my hands brings me a terror I can scant put to words. It's scary to think that tears are the least of my worries now. In the past tears have been enough to make me dread break ups with former SO's, but now my anxious existence is elevated to a level I never really imagined possible. I wish it was just tears now.

As I said, I do care for them, I wish so much I could make them happy with whatever it is they need to be balanced. It's just, as it is, I am not that thing they need. Again, I can't get into specific details of our (almost daily) turmoil, but I can ever so slightly speak to what I myself am feeling. I selfishly feel better when we are apart. It's not that I dislike them, it's just that when I am alone, when I don't have their presence around me, I feel normal, relaxed, I do not feel ashamed to enjoy something I want to do without worrying if they will be mad at me for not paying attention to them. When they are doing something with friends and not next to their phone, not able to call me constantly, I rush to do things without being disturbed by the never ending check-ins. I am reluctant to call these exchanges conversations, as often they are not really about anything, and even when I mention I am in the middle of something they will glide into a new topic that really could wait for a better time. To reiterate, no matter how much I'm preoccupied, if they call and I don't answer, it will typically lead to a fight, a lecture, and anywhere from an hour to a week+ of cold, spiraling battles about the flaws in our relationship, my lack of attentiveness, and the ways I hurt them.

I could go on, it feels good to just type this and pretend in my head someone might read it. Not that I want or need sympathy, I just feel a little better screaming at the void. What I could really, really use is advice. Advice on what to do. I know I need to leave, I don't need to necessarily hear that phrase. I more specifically need advice concerning HOW to leave. How can I make this easier for them? How can I hurt them the least? How can I assure them I want them to be happy, that I know that they are truly a good person at the end of the day, but we are not the right fit. How do I keep them alive through this?

Thank you. If this is not the right sub and anyone has any recommendations as to where I should go for this kind of help I would really appreciate that.

Be safe, everyone.