I am actively suicidal, I began developing suicidal ideation at age 12. I am an adult male. I believe I have ADHD. I have not been diagnosed with ADHD. I have been diagnosed with severe depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. 

I have faced ongoing physical and verbal abuse throughout the majority of my childhood. I do not face this now. I am extremely antisocial and when I am not at work I am in bed or isolated with my closest friends drinking and doing various hard drugs. Substances help me relax and boost my confidence. I am not very confident or self assuring. I have a lovely whom I live with that is not aware of my crimes.

I have an extreme obsession with violence, especially pertaining to guns and blunt objects. I am terrified of people, I am terrified of cars, and I am terrified of guns. When I try to sleep I create a set in my head of violence, always death. I have murdered birds, fish, and kittens. I have beaten my animals. I beat them to death. I am helpless, I am aware I am a massive piece of human filth and deserve hell if that idea even exists anymore. I do not have the urge to harm people, not often, but the animals itch my brain. I can't describe it. I don't know where to go or who to talk to, I could go to prison and ruin everything. I can't fight it, it's like an addiction, I do not want to watch the violence anymore I want to act it out. Help me please. I want to die every day, I go to sleep wanting to die, I want to understand why. I kind of do but I don't. I am disgusted with myself but I also feel nothing. I just want it to stop. I am a compulsive liar, never a thief, but I am a murderer.