i feel sick to my stomach and i've been crying for hours. i had unfortunately noticed that a particular person had joined a community server i've been a part of. this person has emotionally abused and manipulated me for a good 10 years. in 2019, i managed to cut ties with them but that led to 3 years of constant torment revolving them and me being unable to deal with the trauma that came with the abuse. i have always been firm in my decision that i will never speak to this person again, that i would rather die than talk to them. however, considering they are now in the same space as i am, i no longer felt safe and took it upon myself to talk to them and settle things for once. they ended up telling me something i shouldn't have known: my best friend has been talking to them for months despite him promising me he had blocked them.   


i spiraled sometime in july and lived in immense paranoia. i asked my friend, out of nowhere, if he was still in contact with this person. he admitted that he was but promised he would block them. two weeks later (although i would find out about this a month later), my abuser had contacted my friend. i was under the impression that after this conversation, they wouldn't talk afterwards. i was wrong, they've continued talking since then. my friend tried telling me that he has told me all of this, however that is not the case. i felt safe that this person was blocked by my best friend and he reassured me nothing would happen. it feels like my trust and safety have been violated.   


i am so exhausted. i'm so tired of being hurt. the past 3 years have been an absolute nightmare and having this happen genuinely makes me want to kill myself. i have supported my best friend through everything, despite how toxic our friendship was in the past. i gave him kindness that he did not deserve at times. he said that he is forever in debt to me. i don't understand this.  i’m trying my best, but everyday that proves it is not enough. i don’t know what else i can do. i don’t know what else i can give. i simply don’t know who i have to be to just be enough for someone. it is so agonizing. i just want to be okay but i can’t be. i’ve been hurt for so long and it’s not stopping. it just won’t end.