I don't know why. I will wake up in the morning with my adrenaline already going nuts. I will head off to school and act completely normal, but things are far from normal.

People I interact with love me, they treat me very well, they know me as charismatic, friendly, and intelligent. I get some of the best grades, and I have many friends. They don't realize that on the days where I wake up feeling this way, my friendly demeanor betrays my thoughts of ripping apart random strangers with my bare hands. This happens with a frequency of ~1/30 days.

I want to stress this: I am no danger to anyone. I have perfect self control, and in my 20+ years of life I have never hurt anyone. They are just thoughts, but they are an incredible mental weight to bare. I don't feel sane on these days, I feel primal - as if people like myself are far more capable of functioning in a society of tribal warfare. I don't know what is wrong with me, and I am tired of this.

As a side note, I am an incredibly empathetic person. I will help anyone and everyone, stranger or not. I even want to do it professionally. I just need to figure out how to deal with these rare days. It is for sure a pathological issue with my biology, but I am afraid of seeking out help because there is a HUGE stigma about people seeking out mental help in the profession I aim for.

I just had to vent; i'm not sure what I'm looking for here. I guess I just wanted people to know and maybe see what they think. Thanks for listening.