This is my first post in this sub, so forgive me if I don't format it correctly.  
  
**Background**: I'm in my early thirties. I was finally correctly diagnosed as BPD around age 27. I spent most my life very medicated and said to be bipolar. At that point of correct diagnosis, I *wanted* to get better and I was in a good position for being diagnosed as I could recognize at that time in my life the difference between the logical and emotional sides to things. I could also recognize when I was acting out as a result of BPD, even though I didn't know what it was or why. I wouldn't say that I was super severe as far as blackout anger (I still had some occasional anger), mutilation only happened in my teenage years, no promiscuity, no drug/alcohol abuse, etc. I did still struggle a LOT with fear of abandonment, very low self-worth, restricting food, and suicidal thoughts.
  
**Present**: I consider myself in 'remission'. I spent a lot of time in therapy and a lot of time totally single (not even sex). I am in a place where I no longer need medication and am relatively stable. I still have self-worth issues, but have accepted that may not ever go away. Earlier this year, however, I met a guy who I entered a very toxic 'relationship.' The chaos was like an old friend I hadn't seen in years. I secretly loved it. I imagine it it much like an alcoholic who relapses. He was so wrong for me and it triggered anger, tears, and the 'please don't leave' me feelings that I worked so hard to learn to cope with. I FINALLY realized/accepted how toxic it was and went NC. It really sent me back to a dark place, but hey, at least I recognized it? So I knew I needed to heal and get back to a good place after that. Of course, not 2 weeks into NC I meet an amazing man. Of course, part of me wonders, "Is this me idealizing him?" or "Am I just looking for love because I was hurt?" However, I truly think my feelings for him are not my BPD screwing with me, but genuine. But that thought occurred to me.   
  
**Problem**: The problem at hand is I probably really needed the time after the toxic fling (I call it that because he flip-flopped on committing to me) to find myself again and get back to my balance. I met this guy and didn't expect it. Now I feel anxious and not good enough for him. I feel crazy jealous over him having any past with a woman because I feel as if I am not good enough to compare. I think, "I wonder if he has done this with someone else a lot. I wonder if I am not as good at it as her." I do *NOT* want to feel this way. He has only told me how amazing he thinks I am. I am trying to work through it and trying to talk myself down logically. I am being successful at talking myself down, but at the same time *I don't even want to feel this way to begin with*. He has been nothing but exactly what I want in a man and I want to me able to be a good, more confident woman for him in return.
  
**Question**: Has anyone ever been in this situation? I feel like this new relationship is just that: new. Once we settle into deeper, more real, feelings, that the insecure feelings will fade. Or at least that I hope for. I am having anxiety, but I can't place my finger on exactly why. I think I've had some personal changes (moving, getting ready to start clinicals) so I attribute some of the anxiety to that. Of course, relationship anxiety is real too. The issue is, I like this guy. Genuinely. I will be the first to admit that I am not usually very into guys because I am afraid of being left always so I keep them at arm's length. Another issue at hand is he will be moving out of state for nearly a year temporarily. I would normally take some to myself and try to rekindle later. In this case, he will only be here for a few more months before the move and I don't want to waste any time building a good foundation before he goes. I don't think therapy is really what I need, but I am open to it. I think I know the *why* and I have the tools to cope, it's just a matter of working though it. I think I am looking for some reassurance that this can/will pass. Has anyone else going through a "regression" like this? How did you come out of it? Has anyone else felt this way in the beginning and been able to quash those feelings of insecurity and doubt? Should I try to open up to him about my BPD past? This is still so new, and he is inquisitive. I am scared he will research BPD and see all the horrible things people say about us. I know this was a novel, so thanks to anyone who reads it. I really don't want to mess this one up.