I'm 23 now. I'm a law student but I haven't done anything for it in the last 3 months. I mean I decided before that I will change my study next year anyways (need to get that figured out once applying is open again in January). I never really worked in my life, I had great even though overbearing support from my mother. I also live in Germany so studying is really cheap.
I got my high school done on the second way after dropping out the first time. I got it finished in 2020 and it was quite good. Still it feels like a failure and I consistently get the feeling of running out of time for my future.

I still live with my mom and it starts to annoy me. I never had many friends but the Last 6 years or so it was only online friends. I am/was severely addicted to video games (
30k hours the past 7 years), but even that just feels like doing it because I don't know what to do else. I met some great guys, gonna spend new years with them in person.

I'm overweight (130kg/290lbs at 180cm/5ft9), I lost almost 30 pounds the past two months but still. I don't  find myself ugly just fat.

I learned that my father (who is a alcoholic douchebag) isn't actually my father and I got lied to 23 years. I'm gonna met my real father soon.
I'm gay. I outed myself a couple months back, I also had my first few sexual relationships this year. I still question if I am really gay or just confused but it's more or less due to insecurity when living out sexuality. I don't have enough faith in having more sex. 

I always had phases where I felt bad and lonely, but these past four weeks have been awful.
I just feel bad the second I wake up. It's a constant struggle between being horny at least 3 times (watching xxx and doing my business) a day and self hate the other hours. I don't want to play video games, I don't want to talk to my family. I get severe crushes on Instagram boys I never talked or will talk to. I got emotionally attached to two hookups, one I blowed the friendship myself with little lies and the other didn't want to see me again. 
My online friends all have lifes and I don't want to cry about mine to them. I just want to be more at ease. I know I'm not in a terrible place. I often get the feeling of being lazy instead of depressed. I don't want to shove my issues on depression.

But I can't help it. I'm just feeling that I missed a lot of social life, a lot of sexual experiences and a lot of life in general. I'm always tired and now  I started to sleep a lot trough the day. I'm awake for like 2 hours and I go to take a nap. Be awake for another five hours, back to trashy sleep. I feel like the days are too short.

I just hate my mental state right now. I never felt this bad for this long. I know that better times are probably ahead, but who really knows?