Just a disclaimer: I don’t believe I suffer from depression or anything of that essence but I didn’t know where to say this.

I don’t want to die. In fact I think I’m even scared of death but, I don’t know what to do with myself. 

I don’t know how to express the feeling that I just do not quite fit in and that I do not belong here. But it’s not like a sad existential thing but more like this is just how it is.


I’m 21 and still live with my mum. We do not have much money. You think this would motivate me more to go out and provide for her. But Instead I can’t get myself to do anything of use. I spend basically all my days in the house because, “what’s outside got to offer me?” Only people that confirm my biggest fears about myself, even with saying nothing. And people that indulge in this cycle that has nothing to offer me as I do not wish to start a family and need to provide or anything of that nature. So what’s a minimum wage got to offer us?

And even the small financial help that I could bring just doesn’t seem to be enough motivation. I fear that I am just to selfish or lazy. I cannot shake the “what’s the point” and delving into the many reasons about how I will never quite be able to integrate and therefore am better off just surrendering.

I often think about just disappearing and even fantasising being in an accident or something along those lines just so that I can be gone. (In fact sometimes these fantasies are what help me sleep) I am filled with thoughts &amp; feelings about how I just can not be or how everyone I love one day I will bury. And so even if I find a reason beyond everyone else and just for myself it is still for nothing. Everyone will still die and I don’t have enough to offer for myself to excuse being


I don’t know what I’m quite expecting by posting here. Maybe truthfully nothing, and I just needed the vent and/or maybe also hoping that somebody may relate. 

Tysm for listening :)