Weak and selfish. The cowards way out. Why do people say these thing's as if they really mean anything? Like a school bully threatening to tell everyone your a big scardy-cat because you won't accept his challenge to fight him. Here's a question. Why should I forgo my better judgment for someone else's sake? Why should I care more about what other people think of me then what I think of myself? Tell someone who lost a kid, or a friend, or a relative to suicide that they were a weak coward. If you manage to leave the engagement without a single tooth out of place, I will have lost all faith in humanity.

I mean Jesus. Is that all it takes to hold sway over someone? Call'em a name and suddenly your a puppet master. No one really understands just how hard I try, every moment of everyday since before I was in high-school, I give it all I have. I give so much that I don't even care about doing anything else. I try to be patient, I try to be selfless. When someone needs a seat on the bus, I'm the first to move. When someone needs to borrow something, or even needs a hand out, I give it. Lost and need directions or a ride. Yeah, I'll help.

People say you can't lose faith in humanity. Give people a chance. That's why your so miserable. But here's the thing, I do give'em a chance. Even when I don't directly interact with someone. If you don't know, I've struggled with the idea that I may be a psychopath of some sort. That means for me, I have to practice restraint on a daily basis. I have anger issues and violent tendencies. So trust me when I say, I give people a chance. If I didn't, you'd hear about it on the news.

I truly feel like I'm in a desperate fight to retain my humanity. But how can I have faith in something I don't even believe? How does anyone? Do most people just fake it till they make it? All their lives? At some point this crap has to stop, right? The lying, the fake laughs, the bs attempts at maintaining "positive karma." Where's all this feel good stuff I keep hearing about? Do i have to give away my liver before this stuff starts paying off?

Live by example. But all the feasible examples I've seen, in a board sense, revolve around love, and passion, and selflessness, but I can't feel or care about those things. On the other hand, I see all the bad things, and I know I could excel at that. But it's off limits. So here's to all the things you want to do, but actually can't. 

Born into a world that has a major stick up it's rear, and like second hand smoke, so do I. Complete drama queen, I know. I write on here enough to certainly feel like it. "Do whatever you want." Would certainly like to, but can't. Not unless I want to end up in prison or six feet under. I guess I don't particularly care too much either way, but admittedly, it would be pain. 

So sloth it is. Sloth until my f-ing heart stops.

God help me.