We met about 4 months ago, dated 3 months, but to me it was the best relationship I’ve ever had. We’re both emotional, intense, passionate people but I felt like we balanced out. I loved it. This week there was some drama, some fighting, and I had 2 episodes back to back. He cameover yesterday and was extremely caring and mature, and ended it with me. He was clearly very upset and exhausted, he cried a lot, and seemed very hurt. He said some small things about our fights and little niches but overall, he admitted he couldn’t handle being with me and having anxiety all of the time that I might kill my self. And that my episodes cause him too much stress, which is fair. I’ve newly been diagnosed with BPD (misdiagnosed with bipolar, depression, anxiety) etc so I’m not new to the mental health community. Since high school I’ve done different therapies and have had lots of experience learning coping skills and what not. But the BPD itself and realizing my whole body physically feels pain and shuts down because of the people I love, that’s too much for him. He asked for a clean break and solid space from me. I think it’s fair, even though I’m heartbroken. 

Tonight at work I started bleeding, then clots, then pain. I went to urgent care thinking I was having maybe a popped ovarian cyst, and then found out I was pregnant. They estimated 4-6 weeks from the exam but I can’t know forsure until I do blood work or get an ultrasound, which it might be too late. I’m still going to the OB tomorrow and have the option to go to the hospital if I feel more pain. But I’m mostly in emotional pain. And I’m scared, and alone, and I don’t know how to talk to him about it. I told him already, but I had to over text because if I called he would probably ignore it since we just brokeup. 

I don’t want him to be involved, but this is hard new territory for me. I’m craving support. I know I shouldn’t get it from him, but it was his baby too. Maybe I’m overreacting because it was only 6 weeks and that’s technically an early loss pregnancy and not a miscarriage until 8 weeks. When I told him he was nice, and said tomorrow If I needed we could talk more. I obviously want to, but what for? It will make it so hard to not talk to him and lose him again. But my heart genuinely feels aside from the BPD, having a miscarriage is a huge thing for a woman. And I believe my emotions are so valid. I’m confused on how to go about this, I just want to do the right thing. Should I just say, hey I’m okay! Don’t worry! And then not talk to him again? Or should I let him be there for me now emotionally? Or should I just try reaching out to a friend? I don’t have any family. And talking to a friend didn’t do much to make me feel better at all. 

I’m in pain, I’m so sad, and I’m alone at 2 am. In 24 hours I lost my boyfriend and a baby.