I wake-up purposeless most times. Sometimes days are just frustrating to deal with. I feel like my purpose is to let everyone beat me around. Kick me around like a stupid bottle. I fucking hate it. I hate it. When I speak up for myself things always wanna escalate. Not with me but like family. It's hard to survive in a negative space. I want to bash my head on the wall, hoping I just fucking die Sometimes. Just only Sometimes 
because I can't regulate these heaping clouds of feelings tearing my mind apart. I can't sleep. I stay up because I feel like sleeping makes no sense. I'm afraid to sleep because my anxiety consumes me. I'm afraid that'll I will die in my sleep from a heart attack. But I study my kids &amp; my husband. I wanna stay but also wanna go. I hate having daddy issues,  I just wish my dad would just leave me alone. Stop talking about me, everything. I want to go for help, but I'm afraid I just can't. I feel like I'm fucking crazy. Anyways, just a purposeless rant.