Hopefully there’s no auto moderators to instantly delete this…but I’ll start off with a big wide disclaimer. Yes, I know the internet is not an official diagnosis. Yes, I know not to jump to conclusions. Yes, I know that if I’m even asking this it’s probably not schizophrenia. I mean I don’t know for sure on that last one. I’ll even say I’m sure it probably is just anxiety. I just get nervous for myself sometimes. 

I have bad anxiety or well at least used to be really bad. Like I could barely make a sandwich without making sure my hands were thrice washed and taking 5 minutes to smell the meat and make sure it’s 👍👍👍. Or hypochondria related stuff. I do still worry about big stuff like climate change (who doesn’t these days though) but I don’t dwell on it too long. It’s gotten much better after getting into my 20s and being out of high school, but sometimes I have thoughts that are just kinda ridiculous but yet they’re strong enough I obey/follow them. 

—-throwing in here for those who need/want to know I have high functioning Asperger’s. I’ve spent a bit of time on r/schizoid and I heavily relate to people there, I just had to leave because there’s so much gatekeeping and people telling me I don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m much more comfortable alone than around other people and to a degree I relate to most of the an-‘s. Specifically the lack of emotion and lack of drive to do …things. Most people made it seem like unless you’re feeling that on full blast all the time you should get out. Some people said “high-functioning schizoid” is a thing and if I can be high functioning autistic I’m sure that’s a thing too. I’ve learned to be social because not having that as a skill is like almost being unemployed in some ways…but it feels more like a parrot learning to speak by mimicking a human rather than something that just came naturally. It’s not enough to cause issues, the an-‘s but it’s enough I feel parallel to other people and I suppose if I could be alone 24/7 I think I’d definitely get too used to it. 

Mainly though it’s about people being out to get me in whatever way. I avoided online dating for a long time because how can you possibly put trust in anyone on there? What if they pull out a wet rag the second we’re alone or somewhat alone? What if I don’t like them and block them and they hunt me down? How can I possibly know what they might do? Better to just avoid it. Or I’m oit shopping or at work in retail. There’s a spill or something accidentally sprayed. I got to clean it of course but wait..what if it’s poisoned? Some bitter person spat in it or something to fuck with whoever is unlucky enough to be the one to clean it. I don’t know how cops would trace that either so it’s the perfect crime…and thus I better just assume it’s contaminated in some way.

The reason I went to post this is earlier today at work…there’s this kid in the same retail area I work.. 18 but still a kid to me. The only interaction from him is kinda dirty looks and attitude whenever I talk to him. I assume he doesn’t like me for one reason or another. Well, I have my water bottle at the media center where he usually stays (and doesn’t do shit but that’s another story) and I see him take a swig of his. It immediately comes to me that he was off for a while because he was exposed to COVID. (I direct this to myself) He must’ve spat in my drink. I know he doesn’t like me so it would make sense. The older guy he’s with doesn’t like me either (he’s like 80 and a control freak) so maybe he gave him the thumbs up. I mean I admit it’s a bit of a jump to make but I still took my bottle to lunch with me and rinsed it out…just in case. I can’t see over there every second. I mean I assume you’d not do shit like that cause you’d go to prison…but how can the law prove someone spat in my water? They probably can’t. So I can’t trust it.