Yesterday I was at a party with my friends. I was genially really happy that day. I was confident too (alcohol, for some reason, gets the best side of me out sometimes) Later that night towards the end, I opened my notes app on my phone and my friend saw one of my suicide notes. (To be completely honest, I wanted someone to see it) He took me outside to talk and I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I probably cried for 30 mins straight. I told him and two other friends that I think about it every time I see a bridge, a river or a train passing by. And that most days, I think that everybody hates me. It was probably the first time in years, that I showed my real emotions to anyone. They sat with me for all that time and held me. It still doesn’t feel real when I think about it. 
Some other girl heard me through the wall and told our social worker at school the next day. She called my mom earlier and told her about it. To be honest, I just think that, my mom knowing about it, makes it worse. It‘l be so awkward at home from now on and I don’t think she can help me. I feel bad for her since I don’t think she’s done anything wrong. 
It all feels very surreal right now and I’m afraid that it’ll make a lot of thinks really weird. I don’t know if I feel better right now. 
I honestly didn’t think that they would  be so caring. One of my friends is organizing a therapist for me right now. I feel guilty for making them trouble, but maybe this will be a turning point in my life. (I’m sorry if this doesn’t really fit in this subreddit but I really wanted to vent rn)