So this is all gonna be very jumbled because I'm in a bit of a manic low. 

Basically I broke up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years while I was inpatient a few months ago. Got a new boyfriend after being inpatient that I had met while in hospital, since then things have been okay ish but I think it was me suppressing it.

Last night I felt awful but went with it, thinking I could just ride it out. I was wrong. Tonight I did some very questionable things and broke up with my boyfriend and also have now done enough to fuck up mine and my best friends relationship, which obviously cuts out the bond her daughter and I have. 

Since hospital I've been just getting high on anything I can get my hands on and drinking constantly as a way to cope enough to not be put back into hospital. I cant stop calling my ex boyfriend of 2.5 years every time something goes wrong because hes like my favourite person but I know I'm doing nothing but fucking everybody's heads up in the process. 

So tonight it all came to a head and I was going to jump off a bridge but after 30 missed calls from my mum I picked up and she stayed on the phone with me until she got to me. I don't know how she found out something was going on. Now I just wish I'd just jumped because I've fucked everything up and I honestly have no idea how the fuck I am supposed to live my life with this disorder. I've been in and out of hospital since I was barely even a teenager. I've fucked up more chances than I can count in every sense of the word. I genuinely cannot and do not see things getting better, this disorder is so fucked up.