From the age of 15, (26 now) I’ve ruined my mind and body by drowning myself in almost every drug.

I had a long and terrible Ecstasy addiction and took well over 200 pills from age 16-21 then quit completely. (I think i permanent damaged my happy receptors during this time)

Since the age of 21, I’ve been a polysubstance addict - getting up to 300mg Oxycodone &amp; 8 Xanax Bars a day…

In 2020; I was poisoned by a fentanyl laced pill and was pretty much dead. I was given a second shot in life…

Since then I been in a cycle of trying to quit, making it sober for a while…then fall right back in.

This last sober run; I’m currently 3 weeks in but using suboxone….

I’ve been terribly depressed….I don’t even know if it’s the drugs at this point…I lost all desire to get high. I’m tired of this never ending cycle. 

My main trigger is loneliness. When I’m alone, I am my own biggest enemy. Nothing can get the bad thoughts out my head…

Every day “sober” (not on Oxy) I feel my mental health decline rapidly. But I know that if I go back to the Oxy; I’d be even more depressed.

I don’t know why I’m like this and why I did this to myself. Why I have these thoughts? Why am I depressed? Why can’t I be happy? Why can’t I be comfortable in my own skin?

I have everything. A supportive family, a new car, a nice house, a professional job that I’m doing really well in, pretty much everything. I know some people dream to have some of the fortunes I’m blessed to have, but even with it all - I’m just not happy.

I’ve self diagnosed/professionally diagnosed with:

Chrons Disease
Minor ADHD
Generalized Anxiety disorder
Social Anxiety
Panic Attacks
PTSD (I’ve seen and been thru a lot)
Depression
Opiate Use Disorder

And the list goes on and on…

I’m not sure why I’m posting this but I’m alone and sometimes writing things out helps just a little.

For anyone else dealing with multiple mental illness while struggling with drug addiction, I hope somebody could relate and together we can live to see another day…

I don’t know how much longer I could take this mental torture.

🖤💔