I am a 16yo female. The situations I describe below are recurring things in my life and affect my emotions and self-esteem highly. Thank you in advance for reading this whole text :)

This was initially a post in r/mentalillness so that’s why there are some things written here that aren’t related to the concept of BPD.
 
- I sometimes feel like I can’t control the speed (?) of my mind usually in things that require focus. For example, I try to read something and I can’t focus because I feel like a hundred thoughts are running through my head and I can’t stop them to even see what they’re about. It’s like I am full of them but at the same time I feel empty as though I have no aim, just existing. I know I am me and I have to do this x and y thing but it’s a whole lot of nothingness. After these moments I usually get all fidgety and give my body some sort of small movement. If someone approaches me (usually my parents) to tell me anything I get angry and I snap at them. My anger increases after the fight and I feel my tension trapped into my body again until I am tired of it and get worn out.

- When I get angry or annoyed or try to concentrate it feels like my body can’t contain me anymore and I must release the energy through hitting an object, my head, my feet, something. 

- In the cases when I am in a bad mood I take constant teasing from my friends as a sign of their dislike. I compare the way someone (even my best friend) treats me with the way they treat someone else and immediately deem me as not important enough to them. The smallest signs that are in reality nothing, can make me question my entire relationship with that person. I just expect most people to get tired of me at some point. 

- When my friends tell me a secret, I might start thinking what I’ll do with it if they betray me. And when I tell them a secret, I might start thinking how I can defend myself if they ever say it to someone else.

- Without trying, I put myself into the worst case scenarios regarding other people to check my choices or where my loyalty lies in a way. E.g. if these two people were hanging of a cliff and I had to save only one, who would I choose?

- In fights with people I feel comfortable with I always try to point out that I am independent and that I don’t need anyone to support me. Some days I feel like I get attached with difficulty and others too quickly. There’s a certain instability as to how I view the role I have in interacting with others and in my friendships but me feeling I always put more effort in them it’s constantly there. 

- I catch feelings so quickly, just by one interesting thing or stance. The excitement dies down just as fast only for me to follow the same cycle of enthusiasm, devaluation, guilt for devaluating people to neutrality and care later on.

- I feel like nobody thinks I am super valuable in their life even if they have told me or shown me the opposite.

- Some minutes ago I almost had a whole anger outburst because my mum told me ‘good night honey’ I’m a sweet tone. 

- I often get these experiences where I wonder how I am alive, I have flesh and bones and a life for myself. It’s not like I think of the meaning of life or what I should do but literally how come I and everyone else exist. It feels like I can view me from another person’s POV but at the same time be in my own body and self. 

- I have these thoughts of just running away or getting into a kind of dangerous situation so I’ll give myself this sense of thrill and make sure I’ll feel lively, full of all sorts of experiences. In my mind, intensity is linked with fulfilment and I hate that I’m not brave nor reckless enough to do something that gives me this exact thing. 

- Although I am more mature than people my age, I sometimes find myself acting childishly but in the ‘cute’ sense of it and I don’t even know what I’m trying to get out of it. Attention? Care? 

- I wonder whether my emotions and thoughts are valid and real. I worry that I’m faking it in attempts to be different but then again the feelings that come along with the things I formerly described are there every time, stressing me out and making me question my worth to others. 

- I get actual anxiety over sounds that repeat themselves and I need to stop or get away from the sound or else I’ll legit panic.

- I think that if I had more issues or seemed more emotionally sad others would like me more. 

- Mixed thoughts about the people around me, their personalities, our connection; I feel lucky I have them then I feel unappreciated and then their presence only upsets me.

- I have been called hysteric by a friend in the offensive meaning of the word at an anger outburst I had.

- I am ashamed to admit that I believe I scare others when I am mad.

- Unpredictable temper. 

- Can go from feeling like trash to feeling like I rule the world in a short time without anything really happening in the between. 

- I can’t stand it when I’m not being productive at all, I feel like a waste of space.