Last night I got black out drunk with my friend because I was drinking something I haven’t had before and didn’t realise how drunk it would actually make me. I’m going through a lot right now, my grandad is dying, my friends fucking hate me because i’m angry ALL the time and everyone is sick of me in general. I tend not to get so drunk these days because I get myself very upset and even more so when I’m going through a hard time too. 

I basically broke down crying to my boyfriend about everything (none of which i can remember), I started screaming at him saying that he didn’t actually love me, then I kept staring at the ceiling and manically laughing for 10 minutes at a time. I went fully crazy and I can’t remember a single thing. Then apparently I grabbed some sharp scissors whilst screaming that I just want to die and went to c*t down my arm but he luckily managed to grab my hand and stop me from doing so. 

Woke up this morning and couldn’t remember a single thing. He says I can’t put him through that again because it’s not fair on him, which I agree he shouldn’t have to deal with me in that state. I’m going to stop drinking but damn I am so upset that I was going to do that to myself last night. Even more upset and worried that I can’t remember it, what if I was alone? I am a danger to myself. Things just keep getting worse in my life and I don’t know if I can cope with it.