Hello everyone, 

I’m (27F) new to this subreddit so I’m sorry if this is misplaced in any way, and please correct me if I should say things in a different way.

I have bipolar 2 and was diagnosed three years ago. I’m sort of at a loss right now because some of the things I feel aren’t getting better with medication and therapy. I have a good support system and do a good job at keeping toxic people at an arm’s length when I have to be around them. Right now I take a mood stabilizer and an antipsychotic and I go to therapy weekly. 

I don’t like living. I’m not suicidal, but I constantly feel like I’m in immense pain and I think I’ve felt this way since I was a kid. I feel so very aware of how pointless life is unless you give yourself a purpose and stick to it or find it in a higher being. But the pain I feel makes it exhausting to stick to a purpose. I feel like I’m going through the motions of a life lived on a planet where so many terrible things are happening and where so many people are hurting. I won’t end my life because I love and am loved enough to know how much it would hurt people. I used to drink to make things more tolerable but my body seems to have put up a defense mechanism to stop me from downing drinks after I’m buzzed. Sometimes I resent that. A lot.

I’m just now finishing my four year degree after taking many breaks in between mania and deep depression and the drinking and all kinds of trauma and irresponsibility. I was always good at school but as time has passed concentration has become impossible. I originally had a merit-based full scholarship and now I constantly have to ask for extensions, I’ve been on academic probation many times, and was subject to disqualification twice. I’m piling up student debt I wouldn’t have if I’d taken a better life path. I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD and PTSD and anxiety disorders throughout my life but honestly now I wonder if I can’t concentrate because I just don’t really want existence. I’ve had jobs I’ve enjoyed but still getting up for work every day became more and more impossible each passing day. I love sleep. I love dreaming even if they are nightmares, because waking up still feels worse. I thrive during the day at work and always perform and promote really well and I wonder if that’s just because it distracts me from what is waiting for me when I’m alone. I want to make a difference in this world but I can hardly get up in the morning. 

I feel and am so small in the universe, and I’m okay with it, actually find it beautiful, except for when paired with my painful thoughts. No matter how I explain it, people wonder if I’m having an existential crisis, or suggest that I shouldn’t think too much about the “big picture” of the universe because it won’t get me anywhere, and they’re right. But this is just how I see the world. I always have. It’s not a crisis, it’s just my brain. 

My siblings and I grew up in a really abusive environment but we’re all really close and look forward to creating our own big family with our partners and future kids full of love and safety and healing. I’m the oldest and we’re now all adults. I have an incredible girlfriend of almost four years and we’re currently long distance but we have dreams and goals for ourselves and our relationship and we’re working towards them and each other. I’ve been through so much but am emerging from it with a lot of love and I feel so grateful for it. I have things and people to live for but I’m in so much pain it feels blinding. I love being manic but I know too well that being off meds and welcoming mania is a losing game. 

I’m getting to a point I don’t know where my traumatic childhood and troubled early adulthood ends and bipolar disorder begins. I don’t know what in me is because of who I am or because I’m bipolar. I have so many reasons to stick around and could cling to things to look forward to in the future but it’s just so painful to live. I’ve been through so much and it feels like I carry it with every step. It feels like every breath is difficult because I don’t want to be taking it. My siblings have been through a lot too but they’re not like this and I wish I could join them. I feel so alone. The inside of my mind feels inhospitable to myself.

Therapy helps immensely with just about every issue I have in life, and there are many of them, but I’m not sure it can fix this. 

Should I just resolve myself to living a life of distracting myself from how much I hurt? I welcome any thoughts/advice/anything really. Does anyone else feel the same? I can’t be the only person who feels this way.

People are always telling me I make them feel safe. I wish I could be that for myself. I feel so hopeless.