The following is copy and pasted from a question and answer site and it hit every bullet point when it comes to my marriage and how everything unfolded.  And so I'm just wondering if this was a volatile mix is there really anyone that could ever be good for a borderline?

Are narcissists ever good for anyone or are they just doomed?  Are both personality disorders doomed in relationships?

What do you all think?



In response to, WHAT DOES A BPD AND AN NPD LOOK LIKE IN A RELATIONSHIP???  --   "Not well. Narcissists are charismatic takers, and Borderlines initially present as givers so at first it can seem ideal. However, when the true intentions of each is eventually revealed, that’s when the shit hits the fan.

But before we get into the true intentions of each, let’s take a quick look at why being a giver or taker would matter in a relationship. Consider the following, from the Psychology Today article, “The Best-Kept Secret to a Highly Successful Relationship”:

Who Is Most Successful in Relationships?
Grant has a fascinating conclusion about who, among these three styles, is happiest and most successful—the Givers. And who is the least successful? Also Givers.

The article goes on to explain that when givers are with other givers, the efforts are appreciated and reciprocated. But when givers are with takers, they begin to feel depleted, and resentful. Takers tend to be a bottomless pit. Since givers get pleasure from giving, they try to fill the taker’s empty hole. When they realize that they are not capable of successful giving (to takers, that is) they can go to a pretty dark place:

Imagine a relationship between a Giver and a Taker. It may end with the Giver completely worn out, having perhaps spent their savings, time, and energy on someone who keeps demanding more. The Taker also hardly ever provides for a partner's needs, unless they do so temporarily because it behooves them at that moment.

A relationship of two givers is the most successful:

Imagine a relationship in which both partners always care for each other’s needs. When there is a fight, both are quick to offer apologies. Both live their lives with their partner’s best interest in mind.

Although when we are looking at a Narcissist and a Borderline, the reality is that neither is a giver, they are both takers. The author goes on to say this about the Taker in a relationship:

They know how to work the crowd and seduce, but their primary motivation is self-interest. …You know you’re in a relationship with a Taker when you feel they suck you dry for all you have—money, affection, time, etc.

But let’s go back to the two takers, and why their relationship is one of the more volatile combinations. While these aren’t all of the traits of each, they are some of the traits which are more relevant to the answer.
Narcissists
True intention: use the other person as primary source for narcissistic supply

Tend to be charismatic / “idolize” phase (of 3 part cycle)

Manipulate others in order to receive narcissistic supply

Exploit the needs of others for their own personal gain

Are ego-syntonic

Devalue / Discard cycle

Borderlines
True intention: use the other person as a sole source of their self-esteem

Tend to have low self-esteem

Tend to engulf the object of their affection (Doting to smothering)

Needy / desperate

Ego-dystonic

Profound fear of abandonment

When the Borderline catches the eye of a Narcissist, she is blown away by his attention. “ME! He likes ME! I can’t believe it!” (I’ll use she and he in my answer for simplicity, though these personality disorders aren’t gender specific.) She has impossibly low self-esteem, but his grandiose attention and big personality bolsters her confidence.
The Narcissist, on the other hand, is addicted to attention and ego-strokes. When he finds someone who will do this for him, he showers her with attention to keep the narcissistic supply fed. He tends to gravitate towards those he perceives as weaker than he, because those who are weak are easy to manipulate. He is a predator. Since Borderlines are needy and desperate, they are emotionally weak and are the ideal target for someone with NPD.
As the relationship progresses, the Borderline becomes disenchanted. A relationship is ideally give and take, but the Narcissist doesn’t give back. At least, not at the level the Borderline expects. The Borderline requires constant reassurance. At first the Narcissist is glad to oblige, but once the NPD is done with that game, they aren’t as willing to offer the daily reassurance that the Borderline “needs”.
When the Borderline dares to mention this to her partner, the Narcissist hears only criticism. The Narcissist pulls away (as anyone would) and the Borderline begins their smothering campaign. The conflict only escalates as the contradictory needs continue to clash. As conflict continues, the ego-dystonic Borderline feels a sense of guilt, and the ego-syntonic casts blame. This causes the Borderline’s self-esteem to plummet.
Ego-Syntonic vs Ego-Dystonic
Syntonic and dystonic describe the way a person sees their behavior as being consistent or not with how they (want to) see themselves. People who have NPD are ego-syntonic, which means that their behavior is consistent with their self-perception. Borderlines tend to be ego-dystonic, meaning they don’t like the things they do, but feel compelled to act out in ways they wish they didn’t. Because the NPD is ego-syntonic, they rationalize their bad behavior by creating a false narrative about the world around them. This is why they don’t feel bad about hurting others… They can rationalize the behavior as being “deserved” or “reasonable” or whatever lie their brains come up with to convince them that what they are doing is what needs to be done.
When the Narcissist and Borderline fight, the NPD asserts their righteous indignation, while the Borderline gladly accepts the blame. As you might imagine, this is a scenario which only gets worse. The Narcissist begins their devalue cycle, and may even become physically abusive. Meanwhile, the Borderline spends their day coming up with believable reasons (to herself) that her partner hates her. The Narcissist’s escalating devaluation and rage only convinces the Borderline that they were right all along, sending her self-worth lower than low.
Eventually the Narcissist does what the Borderline fears the most: He discards her. The Borderline’s worst fear comes true when the man who at first doted on her now wants nothing to do with her. The NPD’s bag of tricks includes cruel tactics such as smear campaigns, which can make the already emotionally weak Borderline almost (if not practically) suicidal. In her desperate attempts to repair the relationship she may threaten suicide or engage in behaviors such as cutting. The NPD sees these are signs of weakness or other fundamental flaws and continues their strategy of discarding her.
Hoovering.
If the Narcissist has no other source for Narcissistic supply, he may decide to re-engage the Borderline. He is addicted to attention and adoration, and she has been a reliable source. When he attempts to hoover her back into his orbit, she responds with gratitude. She feels wanted again. However, the whole process begins all over again, which perpetuates the volatility of the relationship.
People who are Borderlines feel like damaged goods. There’s actually scientific evidence that shows that Borderlines are created by a childhood experience that has an engulfment / neglect cycle by the primary caregiver (typically the mother). For this reason the Borderline can convince themselves that they are damaged goods. This perception feeds directly into the devaluation phase of the NPD cycle of cruelty. Because the Borderline comes from a place of neediness and desperation, she is a willing participant in the cycle of a Narcissist’s abuse.
People with Borderline PD can (and often do) seek treatment for BPD. Narcissists don’t, unless they are faced with losing something that is of great importance or meaning to them. Loss of a job, important (to them) relationship or divorce, financial ruin… These things can prompt the NPD to seek therapy for the bad feelings related to the loss. But the likelihood that a person with NPD will seek treatment for the symptoms associated with NPD are extraordinarily slim.
While both NPD and BPD are takers, the BPD can recover from BPD. However, the taking nature of each is much harder to break through. This means that even through a person with BPD may resolve their worrisome behaviors, they are likely to continue to have relationship problems unless they can become more of a giver. Narcissists don’t see their relationships as particularly problematic, except that they feel like they attract psychos. (Which is not true, but their perception is more real to them than reality.)
I hope this helps, and good luck to you!"