until today. 

I never really questioned the belief *too much*. I was aware it tied somewhat into black &amp; white thinking, as well as judgementalness, but asides from that I thought my approach was pretty solid. Then, today, I met my counsellor and we talked through the concept of things being good/bad until he eventually asked me what I meant by 'good'.

And then I realised, I didn't mean I want to be a 'morally good' person, I didn't mean I want to be a 'successful member of society', nor did I mean 'happy/content/satisfied' etc. He asked me what I meant by it and I realised: my idea of me being a 'good person' is ***a person who other people love/see as worthy***. 

I'm still trying to recoil from this realisation, because actually I've realised that almost the *whole* of my life has been a quest not to do good deeds, but actually to win the approval of others. Almost all of the good things I have done is because I have believed that it will make people love me and I'm quite astounded.

After all these years, I'm still trying to seek the love my parents couldn't give me. And although I recognised this when I sought out close friendships, it's only now that I realised my entire 'focus' upon life has been to feel loved. My brain did a pretty bloody good job at keeping that one disguised behind the term 'good person'.

It's been quite an eye-opening day really. I thought that B&amp;W thinking was the fundamental blueprint of my world, but actually it's this craving to be admired by others. This makes it easier to solve it, thankfully.