I’m 20, and haven’t worked since a seasonal job in December 2019, all because of my awful social anxiety. I’ve had multiple job interviews, which I either really wanted and never got calls back from, or purposely bombed out of fear of... actually getting the job. 

I’ve never held a job for more than three weeks. I’ve quit each time (due the constant anxiety that comes with interacting with people, and the existential anxiety that comes with spending every day working). I know this needs to change, and at this point in my life, I promise that I want it to.

My brother got me a job bussing/bar-backing at the bar in our town, which he works at. I’ve been a busser multiple times before, but its been years since then. 

Long story short, I had a full on panic attack just before going in. All I could think about was how scared I was, and how I could get out of it. 

[What if there’s a there’s a bunch of people? What is the layout of the place? What if I look stupid in these ugly ass cargo shorts? What if I forget how much water to use when cleaning tables? Is it even water, or some cleaning solution? How am I going to be able to handle taking food to people? What if the people there remember me as some anxious, bumbling idiot who quit after three weeks?] 

As we were leaving the house, I made it obvious how anxious, and downright scared I was, and he told me to chill, go inside, and that I can start tomorrow.

I ran inside, and manically threw on a few different articles of clothing, stuffed a change of clothes into a bag, and snuck to my car. My intention was (is?) to drive to some town/city not too far away and get a hotel room for a couple of nights. 

Thinking about it now- as i sit in my car in a parking lot- i don’t know what that would accomplish. But it wouldn’t be the first time I had an anxiety/panic attack and my mind went straight to “run away”, although I never actually have.

Idk what the question here is. I just need help. I’m tired of living like this. I just want to be a normal person who doesn’t contemplate stupid things out of fear every time I have enter an uncomfortable/unknown environment. Please help me.