I drew in the air with my finger a big button, one you'd use to set of a nuclear weapon. I turned an imaginary key and everything. I then did a thought experiment; if pressing this button will kill me instantly, no pain, no nothing, just being set free from life, would I press it? I held my hand on the "button", thinking everything through, I turned every joy, pleasure, discomfort, challenge and pain I have an experience and considered if it was worth pressing that button.

At this moment, I didn't, which confused me as I do feel like I want to kill myself at that time. I thought about why, and the small moments of joy and happiness I have with my friends and partner, that, while I'm in those moments, drown out the grey pain I have, those so far are good enough for me to stick around.

I then considered what would happen if I lost that, and how possible that scenario is. I am turning twenty this march, I have all the friends I want, and I've been in this relationship for two years now. I often hear that it is completely normal to loose touch with your friends when you get older, and that relationships that form when they are young and in their teens, like mine, rarely last and I feel like already now that something is wrong with us. 

With this in mind, I redrew the button and turned the key, but instead of thinking of what I have right now, I thought of how a life without my friends and without being in a relationship would inform my decision. With this scenario and mindset, I pushed the button instantly.

The funny thing is, the thought that I'd do that, and that it is a very possible route for my life to take, and that once the people I love are taken from me I'd kill myself, it didn't provoke a reaction in me, whatsoever. The more interesting thing is that, the fact that I didn't seem to react to the likelihood of me commiting suicide under this very realistic circumstances, that did actually shake me a bit.

I don't really have a point or a reason to share this, other than I thought that it was interesting and wanted to hear if anybody can relate to any part of this, and how you go about it.