my therapist thinks it will be a good idea to look into past events in my life and process memories. some emdr kind of stuff. we came across a traumatic one. i was sexually assaulted at the age of 6 by someone my age and he thinks it increased my social issues i had growing up. although i always had it since before. the event itself of me being taken advantage of by someone i considered a friend doesn’t bother me that much. but the things that happened because of it do. i did something really bad to someone when i was young and i believe it wouldn’t have happened if i was never assaulted. i’m still close to the person i hurt and i feel immense guilt. if an adult did what i did, they’d be in jail and there’d be no excuse. but i was a child. either way he thinks this is vital and i need to process it but no matter how i think about it, it doesn’t seem that important to my main concern which is my anxiety and depression. to me it was always buried. if i don’t think about it i will be fine. i’ll always feel guilty but i know it is something that will never come up. (it’s something only i know) there will be immense consequences and pain if i bring it to light. 

he insists we look into it but it doesn’t play into my main insecurities because ive already assured myself that i was a kid. but he’s so interested in it and no matter how i put it, it’s like he’s saying it’s the only way to go forward in therapy but the thing is i don’t want to. some things are better left unsaid. this memory might bite me back in the ass later as an adult. right now though i want to focus on finding myself, bettering my depression, and social skills as i am entering adulthood soon. it’s my priority. i’m scared if i don’t follow what he says he’ll drop be because he really made it seem like if i don’t do this there’s nothing he can do for me. how do i deal with this? he’s my fourth therapist. things were going great until now and now i feel like no one understands me. i’m lonely.
i thought i knew myself best for me but maybe i don’t?