today I went out w some friends. after a while i just wanted to come home. i think i made it obvious and one of them said to me “im sorry i know you want to go home” 
i felt so bad because i felt like they think i’m not having a good time with them. but i was. 
when i got home i realised i just was anxious because there was so many people where we were and I just felt so many people looking at me. 
the clothes i was wearing didn’t really help stop people looking at me but i was tired of always wearing baggy clothes to cover my body and just wanted to look hot for a change. 
it’s just annoying to feel conscious about this all the time and about how i look and not be able to just relax. 
and now i’m making my friends feel this way too. 
i just don’t want to explain to them what i’m feeling and how it’s not personal to them because i hate pity and i hate sympathy. 
i guess i just need to keep putting myself out of my comfort zone and get used to it. 
like i feel like i was really used to it before and used to people looking at me and felt confident all the time but now i feel like i’ve spent so much time alone and in my room not in public the past few months that i’m just so closed off now.