my own triggering issues are now at a subconscious level and very stupid. a friend gets a sex toy and the direction my mind goes is to she is going to leave and abandon you for this toy. A.... TOY.... and worst part, it was almost fucking instantaneous. usually I can watch as I fall to my demise and try and slow it down or talk myself out of it. but this. this was absolutely point blank. even I couldn't fucking save myself. 

and no. it is just an internet friend.  we have no intimate relationship between us. it is just a friendship friendship. I never can have another relationship thingy. 

the last few days have been really bad.  three days ago I set myself off by thinking about a friend and even that one hit harder and quicker than usual.  the pain was excruciating and I haven't slept that night.  or the next. 

basically right now my brain hijacks all the thoughts I have and sends them to trigger thoughts. like this: pineapple. right there, that thought went straight to "your friends hate you and don't answer your messages" 

and does anyone feel a super duper gravity changing feeling when they hit a triggering thought? like everything feels pulsatey and wobbly? anyone? 

I don't know what to do. I can barely justify going to a hospital with extreme paranoia and these obsene irrationalities of delusion that I am having, let alone figuring out if I am having thoughts that sound like my friends conspiring to kill/harm/abandon me or if it is actual voices.  