
I don’t really expect anyone to read to the end of this long sad rambling. I write all of this because I cannot bring myself to say the words out loud and even the thought of a lot of these things is difficult for me. I thought it might help to get them out. Before you continue reading it is worth noting, I am now medicated but by no means has it eliminated a lot of the feelings I am describing. 


I’ll start with some context, I am a male in my mid 20’s. I have a range of mental health issues including BP1, BPD,ADHD and CPTSD, along with some physical health conditions. From a health perspective I never had an easy life, but I am luckily enough to have mostly had a loving and supporting family. 

I’ve always had low self esteem, always been anxious and always had this burning hatred for myself. I was never happy with how I looked and have always felt ugly or inadequate compared to other people. I have always obsessed over my weight while never being fat, how my hair looked, what shoes I wore and absolutely everything to do with my appearance. This behaviour stems back as early as I can remember. These issues followed me all throughout my schooling, it helped me make a lot of bad decisions and stray further from the good path I once thought I was on. I always wanted to fit in, be a cool kid, be popular; much like everyone else. Instead however, I was very intelligent, I won my grade school award for being top of the year. I loathed this because it made me feel like a nerd, like a freak. Ever since that day I tried to make myself as dumb as possible if it were to help me fit in with everyone else. 

High school is where things got bad, a lot of symptoms of my mental illness were beginning to emerge and I was becoming ever more anxious and introverted. I moved schools a few times and never really managed to fit in. I started going to a private school where I was bullied for being from poor daily. So I got into smoking weed quite early and it is a habit I still hold to this day. At first it helped with a lot of problems I had. Later on in high school most of my friends started getting into relationships however I deemed myself too ugly, shy and uncool to pursue the same. I felt isolated and different from everyone else.

Eventually I was in my first ‘serious’ relationship in my last year of school. It was good until it wasn’t, she used to hit me, emotionally abuse me, put me down at any point in time. Now I have a small dick (5” skinny if it matters lol) and I was never ashamed until this relationship but she would constantly make fun of me for it, bring it up in-front of our friends and say how unsatisfying I was. However despite all of this I just kept telling myself I deserved no better and this was the best I’d ever get. I eventually had the courage to leave much thanks to my old boss, who is still a friend of mine, giving me the words that I needed to hear. 

Since that age (around 18) my mental illness really and severely caught up with me. I will save you the details but I went through another few relationships that ended, primarily due to my mental health. I was a broken man, using a lot of drugs and all I wanted was to die. I tried to commit süicide on two occasions. One had me in the hospital and other left me in my car on the beach covered in my own blood and vomit. Marijuana definitely kept me alive during this time, without it I would be dead. 

I spent a few years after these attempts un medicated, I still missed physical and emotional intimacy and had a desire for a relationship however I just couldn’t bring myself to be close with anyone for a number of reasons. Out of fear of knowing me, being ashamed, inadequate and the fact I’m fucking crazy. Through smoking weed I managed to make a few friends, we would go out, things were getting better. 

Somewhere along the line here, I grew up to be very attractive. Please don’t think I’m bragging because I’m not and I still do not see it. However that is what I am told by my friends. Thanks to this, over the last few years I’ve had many chances with many women and I always end up turning them down even if I am really interested. I am truly afraid of intimacy in all forms. 

Some of my mates say they wish they were me  because ‘it would be so easy to get laid’ and I fucking hate it. The realisation that I am attractive has been making me feel worse, it just makes me hate myself even more. The fact that something I’ve been fixated on my whole life is now achieved? And I can’t do a thing with it?  I feel like I have standards to uphold and I should be out there doing what ever other normal male would but I can’t. I feel like a failure of a man. It got so bad my friends held an intervention for me asking if I’m gay (was very cute and supportive ngl) because of the way I weirdly turn down every woman who’s interested in me. 

I slept with one of my weed dealer a year or so back, she was in her mid 30’s with kids, so quite a bit older than I, she came on to me quite strongly. I have a bad habit of just riding the wave because I cannot say no to people, that is how almost all my sexual encounters have happened. We slept together, it was the first time I’d slept with someone in about a year and was also the first time I had since starting medication. I lasted only a few minutes.. when I finished she laughed, a lot, and said she could’ve overlooked my tiny dick if I lasted more than two minutes. Which is understandable but since then I don’t think I will ever be intimate with anyone again. Thinking back on that moment almost makes me cry with hatred. 

I spend every day hating myself and wanting to die and only living as to not cause pain and grief to my friends and family.