30M and 25F relationship.

Long story-short, I dated someone for a year before we broke up in August. She could not take my abuse anymore. I was emotionally abusive, made childish threats, and was hurtful when we would have arguments. I could not deal with silent-treatment. I could not deal with threats of breaking-up and often would call her 200 times and text non-stop. I would fall into depression, anxiety, fits of rage or sadness and would lash out and call her friends to try and get her to stop ignoring me. When all she wanted was space. It's hard for me to deal with space and I promised her since January last year that I would seek help again for my BPD. I told her of my BPD when we started having some issues and the honeymoon phase was over. She tried to understand it, read about it, and even went to see my therapist with me once right before we broke up. 

I stopped going to therapy a few months before I met her. She is the most wonderful and beautiful person I ever had the pleasure of being with. I have fully fallen in-love with her and she became my best friend. I had never felt this comfortable and intimate with anyone before. I've been single for a long-time and she was the first long-term relationship I've had in 5-6 years. We spent the past 5 months seeing each other on-and-off, but a month ago it all blew up. 

I've been going to therapy and meditating, but it was really hard to build a foundation when the ground is always shaking. In October she changed her number and I was faced with threats of police if I don't stop harassing her friends and her. I was devastated and heart broken. Filled with guilt and shame for how badly I had treated my best friend, my lover, how I ruined what we could have been if not for my disorder. She even told me she would marry me if not for my BPD. I have this woman who is better version of Scarlett Johansen with a heart of gold and humility telling me she would marry me, if I could get my mental illness under control. I tried, but things were still turbulent. November was great for us as we both missed each other, but as soon as my BPD started surfacing and alcohol involved I made a stupid decision to text her dad with one night telling him we have plans and she can't watch his son, which made things difficult for us again. 

December I saw very little of her as she was angry with me. I spent my birthday alone and NYE alone because we were fighting. The weekend before NYE and the weekend before that we actually spent the nights at my place and everything was fine, but a small argument turned into something else. I've still felt like I wasn't her 1st priority, like I was losing her. and would make it clear by trying to communicate. Instead I was met with more resentment, I was verbally and emotionally abused, when all I wanted was to be hugged and loved. It was hard to see this loving person be so dismissive of me and treat me like an unwanted child. I started calling her again, her cousin and friends. A few days after we just spent the night and the day of New Years eve she called the police and said I was harassing her. We continued arguing that same day and days after. But the more I was met with resistance while I tried to communicate, the more hurt I would get. I just needed to give her space, but I could not function without resolving this problem now and needing her love. I showed up to the bar she works at once. They called the police and I wasn't there when they showed up. 

We talked again briefly a few days after and she said how much she loves me and proud of me for going back to school. She helped me write my appeal just weeks before that. I tried and tried to get some closure and understand why she has been so hurtful to me, but it just infuriated her and she changed her number a few days later. I tried to call her friends, but weeks later I got contacted by a detective and told me not to call her again or she could press charges if she wants to. 

I did not listen and waited a few weeks to get her number and called her again. I had to understand how we could go from being so loving just weeks ago. Cuddling on my couch, rubbing her feet, putting ointment in her ear for some rash, getting dinner, making love, acting like nothing ever happened to us. And then turn things over like this. Well, I finally got to hear her last week. We briefly talked on Thursday, it was mostly me talking and she had to go. Said it wasnt a good idea for us to talk. Something came over me and I bought her a plane ticket to NYC to see her friend on the dates that she wanted. She messaged me asking me what was wrong with me and to leave her be. 

I called her and she said it's best for me to leave her alone and not contact her. I tried to understand why would she be so dismissive, why be so short with me and go to such drastic measures considering we were just in each others arms.  I asked what did I do to deserve this? Well, said I tried to ruin her life, I humiliated her, I tried to isolate her from everyone. I am a psycho, sick-twisted sob, and I need to be put in jail or sent away and that I deserve to die. 

Only time I ever heard such anger and hate was from her back in October. It broke my heart all over again knowing that I have caused such grief and pain on this person. When we went through similar thing in October, she eventually wrote me a long email and she was so hurt, so disappointed and so heartbroken herself. She wished I did more for us, she wished I had sought help sooner and did not make empty promises, she explained how she understood what my triggers are and what she could've done better. However, when we tried again after those emails things did not change. I tried to make changes, but she was already hurt and probably did not see like she owes me anything so the triggers remained and only got worse tbh. She became less caring and emotionally abusive towards me. And it was really hard for me to maintain meditation practice and everything I was trying to accomplish. I went from meditating everyday, to not doing anything except being depressed and looking at my phone waiting for a text from her.  

Now I am here a few days after we had that last exchange and I am trying to stay strong. I am trying to move on. I have therapy, I meditate again, and last week I went to a DBT group skills  for the 1st time. I am even going to see a shrink tomorrow and I've been strongly against meds since I found out I have BPD 3 years ago. 

I have to accept that this person will never be. Her family is involved, my family is involved, and this is what it is. I am an abusive ex to her and she just wants me out of her life completely. Like we never happened. It is a hard pill to swallow knowing the person you love and loved you back just the same has no such strong resentment and aversion to you and it is all my fault. I don't feel like I am a bad person, but the things I do from pain and hurt are bad and she hates me for it. 


