I’m so fucking sick of this cycle. I flip out about something or another every fucking afternoon like clockwork. It doesn’t matter what’s going on in my life it’s like my emotions build up all day and by the evening I’m completely overwhelmed. 

My emotions feel like the psychological equivalent to being on fire. It’s torment and I’ve learned over and over that nobody cares or if someone does they can’t meet the level of need I have. So I end up alone. As usual, as what feels like always. My fear is through the roof, I’m so worried about everyone in my life that I love just abandoning me like everyone else has. I’m so pissed off that my last therapist I saw straight up called me an “evil incurable monster that doesn’t want to get better” and now I can’t take it anymore. The thought of trying therapy again is enough to make me want to scream and throw shit. I’m so raw and nothing ever seems to help for long enough to make any actual difference in relieving any of the torment I feel. 

It seems like I’m always being told to just tolerate this unbearable torment and I’m sitting here like, yeah that’s a fucking wonderful idea. Here I am feeling like I’m being tortured by my own mind and you’re telling me to tolerate it, cope with it, when it’s not tolerable, it’s not something I can easily cope with. Yes I can stay out of the hospital and so on and apparently because I can manage that most of the time well I should just tolerate it never mind that I wish I could find a way to crawl out of my skin because I’m in so much pain and nobody seems to care as long as I’m “coping” also known as “not making anyone’s life difficult and if you do then you’re a horrible piece of shit that doesn’t want to get better.”

I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried so hard, I’ve been diagnosed for going on ten fucking years with “borderline and histrionic traits” before I got the actual diagnoses. 

And I’ve had such a bad run of therapists in the past eight years because they don’t want to treat borderlines that I’m scared to try again. I feel like I’m just getting worse and that nobody fucking cares. 

Rant over, for now. I’m sorry, I feel like I’m a piece of shit who deserves to die. Maybe they’re all correct that I’m just an evil incurable monster and need to accept that. I don’t know. I just don’t know anymore. 