for context; i’ve been called crazy, dumb, and horrible my entire life. this may come with some bias but i seem to have a knack at hurting people without really meaning to. when i scheduled a hang out with a friend, i disagreed with my mom when she suggested we go trick or treating. i just don’t want to. she got hurt and it became this fight of me not having any friends or experience or being sociable at all. i’ve been struggling with a series of mental issues but that isn’t an excuse for my pathetic behavior. there are more situations where i act disgustingly useless and stupid and it really sucks. i hate how i’m so unaware of myself. i hate myself in general and yet i can’t seem to change. there’s something seriously wrong with me. i’m mean to my friends, mean to my family, mean to everyone around me and a generally big asshole. i want to change. i can’t change. it fucking sucks and i hate myself. maybe hating myself is this stupid defense mechanism against criticism cause if i hate myself enough, nobody can hate me that much. i hate myself so much i just want to kill myself. i don’t wanna die but i just hate myself so much that killing myself seems justifiable. i can’t handle a single disagreement cause i’m so fucking sensitive and i hate it.