Anyone else get attached to social media influencers? (I don't know what other term to use). I don't know these people, but I'll spend hours watching their content, I'll get just as happy when they post something as I used to get when a friend sent me a text. 


I feel like I deprived myself of real relationship for so long that even just an online personality can bring me so much happiness. Some days I feel like its easier than having actual friends, they can't abandon me because they never cared for me in the first place.  People wanting me has become a dream, an unachievable one that is. 


I can love them all I want without them leaving. I don't wanna trick my brain into thinking that this is two sided. I try not to express my love for these people outwardly, it's obviously one sided, it's kind of embarrassing. I just bottle it up. 


Some days I feel delusional, why is this random person making me this happy, is it normal? I feel crazy sometimes. I have moments when I think I need no one, and watching people interact online is enough, but then the reality that I'm completely alone hits me hard. I feel pathetic for having no social life, I'm at a point where I've isolated myself for no rational reason. 


When I feel guilty about it, I sit in self pity and do nothing productive. In a few hours I'll be back to the same thing. I'll turn on the screen and go back to idealizing someone else. It's become a cycle, it can restart multiple times a day. 


They will never know I exist, and that's part of why I do it.