I’ve been doing better. I’m proud of my success, but holy smokes I’m on edge when it comes to this. TL:DR  at the end. 

Background: boyfriend and I live together. We’re very serious and committed to each other/helping each other navigate the tough waters of a serious relationship (not a casual one), but also one where I have BPD. On top of this, we’ve had other major obstacles standing in the way. 

We met in the “partying” scene. His circle wasn’t as hardcore as mine was, in that drugs weren’t as prevalent, but he still went out every weekend. He didn’t always get piss drunk or coked out like I did (or ever do coke really), which is something I used to have a hard time coping with. It was hard for me to grasp someone can go to a bar and not drink. 

Fast forward: I go to bars and I don’t drink. I’m 100% sober from alcohol to drugs to nicotine. He still drinks occasionally, which is fine, but unfortunately still vapes when he’s around some of this friends. 

In 4 weekends, he is going to a festival with two of his friends from high school 10 hours away. I DO NOT have an issue with him going away. I’m fine with that aspect - it’s the fact he has admitted to probably doing drugs. I get it, it’s a festival. But I also know the risks and potential fatality of drugs ESPECIALLY in the area they’re going to be in. He’s telling me to trust that he will do the right thing, but how can I when he’s constantly saying “I’m probably going to do drugs”. That’s like me telling him to trust I won’t cheat, but saying “I’m probably going to make out with someone”. 

It doesn’t help that I lived in that part of where they’re going. I know how extremely racist the cops can be in that area. (We’re an interracial couple). I’m trying to live life with less fear, but this is hard to do. It’s not far from where they shot a man dead in Walmart. I’ve witnessed severely racially profiled instances with cops there. 

How can I stop bringing it up? How can I stop begging him to not do it? This is frustrating. 

TL;DR: boyfriend is going to a festival and can’t commit to staying away from drugs. 