The title sums it up, so the rest is optional.


My dad is 73 years old and none of his relatives made it to  80. My mom is a total lost cause and I can’t really rely on her for anything other than spend money she doesn’t have, which doesn’t help since  75% of my anxiety is financial anxiety.

I’m currently 20 and rely on my dad for everything, from housing to food to paying for therapy to just the everyday dad things, like how to put air in my tires or to listen to me complain about guys.

While I think I could survive grieving the everyday dad things (don’t get me wrong, I still would be devastated and probably crippled emotionally for a very very long time), I’m terrified of what will happen if he gets covid and dies before I’m an established adult. He’s a bit less cautious than I am, and I’m paranoid of getting sick and giving it to him and him dying because of it. I just can’t stop thinking about it and crying, and it’s been going on for years.


I have a part time job, but I’m also in school, and while I know I’m capable of learning, I can’t help but feel the crushing weight of everything he has left to teach me and coach me through. I don’t know what will happen to my childhood home, or my mom, or me. It would simply be too much weight on my shoulders to take care of everything financially while also dealing with the “typical” grieving process, and it’s kept me up at night every night for as long as the pandemic has been a thing. I try to enjoy my time with him now, at least, and ask him all about himself and life and other things. I just feel like this is something so completely out of my control that all I can do is brace for impact and hope it doesn’t come anytime soon. I feel like time is just slipping away so fast, and I just want everything to slow down for a minute. Life feels so long, but it also is going by so quickly.

How do you even cope with the loss of, essentially, your only parent? The person you rely on everyday? I know there’s really no way to be prepared, but I can’t fathom how it’s survivable. And I know it’s pointless to be so worked up over something that hasn’t happened, but I can’t get the feeling that something terrible is going to happen and I won’t be able to make it out ok.