growing up, I always had trouble controlling my emotions. I got too angry too fast, cried too easily, held onto fights for too long and got too excited. A common criticism was that I was “overreacting” to everything. No one experienced the emotional extremes I did.
I remember my sisters asking me, “Why do you have to feel everything so much? Why do you have to be so dramatic? Why can’t you just stop?” She meant it as a criticism – that my emotions made other people uncomfortable. That they made me hard to understand and get along with.
why did I feel everything so much? Why did I have such rapid mood swings? Why couldn’t I control how strongly I reacted to things? i have borderline personality disorder.. BPD is intense and often uncontrollable emotions, feelings that consume my entire being. It is wild and overwhelming mood swings – intense mania and paralyzing depression. It is recurrent depressing manic episodes. 
My BPD is dissociation and unshakable feelings of emptiness and unreality. It’s being convinced that the world is out to get me, trapped in my head by fear. It’s not knowing who I am each day and relying on outside sources for definition. It’s going from loving someone to hating them over a tiny argument and despite knowing that it’s wrong, being unable to change it.
It’s thinking my loved ones are angry at me even when they’re not. It’s constant apologizing and the paralyzing fear that the people I care about are just pretending to like me. Or that I’ve somehow manipulated them into staying with me. It is a daily battle against myself to gain control over my life and my emotions.
On the positive side, my BPD makes me passionate, loyal and empathetic. My identity struggles have led me to develop a truly interesting and unique sense of style and personal expression. Mood swings have taught me that nothing lasts forever – both sadness and joy are only temporary. .
On a good day, my symptoms are manageable – maybe even barely noticeable. I might go the whole day without a crash or dissociating. I may not lash out or get angry at all.
On a bad day, my symptoms rule me and take over my life. I will end up arguing with my family over practically nothing. I get irrationally angry over small things and lash out – usually at myself in the form of emotional breakdowns, although I might yell at others. If it gets bad enough. I might dissociate for long stretches or experience intense depersonalization.
Most days, though, are a mix of good and bad. I experience both the highs and the lows – which can make my life feel chaotic and stressful even if it would otherwise be calm. My mood swings can be exhausting.
i Kno why i am constantly apologizing profusely. I do it all the time. I’ll apologize for things that aren’t my fault, for things I have no control over, for things that had nothing to do with me — the weather for example. The list is never-ending.
I actually have a routine with some people. “I’m sorry,” I’ll say automatically. They will fix me with a look and I’ll laugh, “I don’t need to say sorry for that.” 
It’s funny, it’s a joke, it’s endearing. It’s just part of who I am.
But it’s difficult to explain why I do this. Why do I feel the need to apologize all the time? Why do I take the blame mentally for things I don’t need to?
It all comes as part of my borderline personality disorder (BPD). I constantly feel I am not enough. I feel like I am not good enough. I am terrified people will wise up eventually and realize I am not worth their time. Realize I am worthless, I am useless and I should never have been born. These are the thoughts that go through my head constantly on a loop.
So to avoid this, I apologize.
I’m sorry the TV was too loud when it came on. I’m sorry the wind pulled the door out of your hands and wrenched it
away from your arm even though I had nothing to do with that. I’m sorry you were late to meet me even though that wasn’t my fault either. I’m sorry that sometimes I get nervous and uptight. I’m sorry that sometimes I get quiet. I’m sorry that I need reassurance that I’m not a terrible human being. I’m sorry I gave you your birthday card late. I’m sorry your exam was hard. I’m sorry work was a bitch. I’m sorry you’re cold. I’m sorry I’m cold. I’m sorry you’re ill. I’m sorry that other person was mean to you. I am sorry I am not good enough, I am not enough for you and am too much for you at the same time. I’m sorry for being sorry. I’m sorry I apologized.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so goddamned sorry! Those two words slip out automatically, I can’t stop them, and I can’t control them. I’m learning. I’m trying to learn and I am trying to control myself. I am trying to stop apologizing all the time. I am trying to learn my worth. It’s baby steps.
But in the mean time, you will have to forgive me the occasional “I’m sorry” while I get there