TW; suicidal thoughts, self-harm, ect (July 24rth, 2021)

**DAE feel like the prospect of finding love is impossible?**

I don't know. Intense, meaningful connections are something I crave and I realized through Dr. Daniel Fox's video that might not be achievable. Maybe it's the codependency speaking but I loved that. t want an archetype of someone. Idk. At least they're honest about it.

If you want to go through revolving doors of people because you don't want to dig out what's wrong in you or devout intentions towards someone, goof for you. Not good for me. When I love someone, I do it intensely. Of course, have your own needs, wants, ect figured out. But it seems like everyone gives up on relationships so easily and it's just for some impersonal-ish itch to be scratched? Why do you love the person you do? Semi-irrational and partly rational. But I understand the impersonal-ish feeling to an extent because there could be general wants or needs but having a preference to have that with someone. 

I wanted that ride-or-die type of love where we have each other's best interests at heart and I don't think it's possible anymore. So, I guess I'll be my own BFF in the meantime. It's just nice to think about going through inevitable changes w/ someone and them being a rock of sorts. Maybe I'm the own demise in regards to how I view love. I just don't find wants to be something you should end the 'relationship' over. An example would be lack of sex because of it can worked out. It's crazy how people can end relationships that seemingly matter for the 'grass is greener' mindset to me. But I discover now that YOLO so it makes sense why someone wouldn't want to wait in these situations. 

I don't know. A intense/deep, meaningful connection are something I crave and I realized through Dr. Daniel Fox's video that might not be achievable to the extent I want. Maybe it's the codependency speaking but I loved that. I want someone to choose me and make me important in their lives. I'd do the same and would be devoted in good faith to their needs. But maybe this is all in egoist desire. 

Some pieces of how I view love include some sort of endurism that I feel old couples give off and the the "choose me" dynamic. When I love, I don't mind feeling like doing the work to change things for the better. I get resentful, though, when I feel like that same energy isn't being reciprocated and like I always have to be one changing like, "why the fuck are you with me?" 

I partly feel like there's either something wrong with me or the other person for not wanting to give off things I find to be unimportant for the sake of this relationship. But, then again, I guess this is an unhealthy way to view connections in the sense of having to give away something you'd like instead of meeting a middle. 

**Self-harm**

I know I can be very destructive and yesterday was the first time I officially 'self-harmed' I guess. Not good in any sense, I feel like it could get worse from here. I was having a disagreement and instead of wanting to hurt the other person, I looked around anxiously while crying and just got my pain and stabbed my arm with it. They're still there a bit but nothing too serious. I wanted to hurt them but I also knew that it I didn't want to hurt them. When I have an opportunity to hurt them, I don't want to. But when I split, I desire to ruin their life (job, relationships, our memories, ect). 

**Splitting**

I split almost everyday and it's draining. Yesterday, I felt like I was being ignored and started to feel hostile. I split when I think of the past things that made me feel hurt. A few days ago, I was feeling myself getting angry but decided to stay quiet, went to my bed, started crying and drew some stuff. I try not to hurt anyone while I'm in these states but I for sure could. The hardest split I've wanted to kill my partner and felt very unstable in anger, fear and hurt. I saw red and it was scary. The thing I've discovered that helps me out of a split is remembering the good. But better yet is reassurance. 

**BPD**

I resonate with petulant BPD at the moment and resonated with the symptoms for self-destructive BPD more when I didn't have a better handle. I took an assessment and got 9/10 so a "high risk" and "severe borderline personality disorder likely" (7/4/21)

The petulant symptoms I resonate with:

* Intense mood swings
* Outbursts of anger 
* A need to control others
* Wanting others to feel guilty for their actions, or lack of actions
* Extreme fear of abandonment
* Suspicion of others/paranoia in relationships
* Self-harm tendencies

**Abuse**

I've hurt them a bit and I know I shouldn't have. A big part of why I've improved has been wanting to do better for them and myself. I knew how I was brought extremely unsafe effects on them and unsafety is something I dislike to even feel, so I wouldn't want that ever. I've yelled at them, cursed at them, told them I hated them, 

**Improvement** 

I feel scared about improving because this is part of me in some ways. I majorly don't care to keep it. I'm near the point, or way past it, with this PD where I just know it's making my life harder so I'm still working to at least improve the emotional regulation stuff. I romanticized being unstable and dangerous when I was younger a bit through what I read but having lived through splitting, feeling vengeful, feeling abandoned, ect, it's really not worthwhile to have. 

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I wrote the above around 2 hours ago and I'm in a different state of mind so I'll continue writing...

I'm worried that if I heal I won't be as much of a person I am now. I won't feel the same things as intense. It's sort of messed up, I know. But I don't think that'll happen as I've gotten better and have still felt emotions as they came. 

I feel like I also have some sort of split personality. Or I don't know if that just comes from the splitting...no, it probably wouldn't....or maybe it would since it has to do with thinking. From my morals to what I like, it seems to switch semi-quick. Sometimes after being disconnected from my FP, I feel like I lost some sort of identity and I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I have cognitive dissonance issues but those have lessened after I got new information. 

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Thank you for reading this, or the majority, and I hope this doesn't resonate with you. But, if it does, at least you're not alone