Can’t tag this for both venting and self-harm so I went with the latter

I don’t believe I’ll ever find someone compatible, nor do I think I want to. I mean, relationship-wise I would definitely love to be with someone, but I couldn’t bring them the stress of having to calm me down as that would be wrong. I also don’t think I could handle the stress, as I’ve been lied to by nearly anyone who’s been somewhat close to me in my life and have bad trust issues on-top of everything. I know it’s bad, and I’ve posted something like this on Reddit before (now deleted) only to get told that I’m not ready to have a relationship and don’t deserve one. But even thoughts of something happening with a partner that shouldn’t bother me, make me extremely sad to think about. Not angry, I wouldn’t lash out, just this sad keep-it-to-myself feeling. It comes out in the littlest things. If I’d somehow have a partner and they would turn out to be insistent, they might find out that I’m this jealous asshole.

On another note, I’ve been daydreaming of being in this ideal situation a lot, maybe my brain is attempting to do so as a coping mechanism for accepting this. But I feel the urge to return to harming because of everything. This is only multiplied by the fact that my scars are so tiny and it feels like I didn’t do it enough for it matter. I feel like everything is getting worse, and I’ve spent so much time hiding myself that it’s finally starting to leak through, yet I don’t even know who I am. Sorry if this was weird, I get that way when I’m tired.

Thanks for reading if you did, I really needed to vent this out at 2 am for some reason. Rest well.