I would describe my BPD as 'quiet'.

About a year ago, 3 of my closest friends at university cut contact with me.

To cut a long story short, my best friend at the time had become my favourite person (I still don't know if I also had a crush or if I was confusing my feelings, but it was probably the former). We're both bi women. We had met about a year before, and we instantly 'clicked' (I recently heard from a friend she had a BPD diagnosis, so I'm wondering if that's why). Shortly before we fell out, I had started to regularly &gt;!smoke a lot of weed!&lt;. On a night out, I stupidly &gt;!took a tab of MD!&lt; (never again) and me and this friend had a big falling out.

About two weeks later, she confronted me. She had found out from my other two best friends that I had feelings for her, and she felt like our entire friendship had been built on top of a lie and that my goal was to manipulate her into dating me (it wasn't, I was trying to bury the feelings and ignore them). Two of my best friends, who she vaguely knew, also took her side, and the three of them cut me off. The confrontation was probably the worst experience of my life, and I couldn't keep up and couldn't think of anything to say, and (TW) &gt;!I ran out of the room and had an attempt.!&lt;

Since then, my drug problem has gotten significantly worse, as I had been using it as a way to deal with panic attacks that came every time I thought about it - nothing else helped. The panic attacks have gotten a lot better, but they still happen if I see photos of my friends. I stopped interacting with people at university because I was terrified the same thing might happen, and outside of work and class for the best part of a year I practically saw nobody. I tried writing to my friends a month after it happened, explaining it all from my perspective, but I didn't hear back.

It's been about a year and I haven't had any contact with these three people. I don't particularly want to for my own sake, and I know they don't either. Feelings wise, I've long moved on (I'm v happy in my relationship), but I still miss these people a lot and I still get very panicky when I think about them or what happened.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can find closure?