I don't know if I'm doing this right. I apologize if this is rambling but I need some serious advice, I have no one else to turn to.

I was recently diagnosed with BPD. For the first few days it was liberating as I finally had the language to properly express what I had been experiencing inside for so long after a lifetime of misdiagnoses, and therefore begin to heal. However this has quickly backfired and I've begun to spiral fast and hard as I've realized that there is absolutely no cure for these unending agonizing emotions and the internal void and existential emptiness to my life other than perhaps long term therapy which I do not have access to and I am bordering on the edge of losing my job so that will make seeking that even harder.

I had just gotten out of a 4 year long isolation stint where I cut off everyone and spoke to nobody because something something extreme trauma. To not make this too long, I got a hyperfixation that allowed me to rejoin the world and I made a lot of new friends but only on a shallow basis because I only talked about this 1 thing and never let them know anything about me deeper because I feel so ashamed and afraid of my past. My brain has suddenly shut off on this hyperfixation and along with it again the only thing that tethers me to reality and makes me feel human and gives me the ability to communicate with others, and I am spiraling harder than ever before knowing that this is never going to end and am petrified in the face of going back to that endless void.

I was however able to make 1 friend who I did open up to a little bit more about my life and seems to care about me. We have been online friends for 6 months and voice call once or twice a week and I'm the more chipper one of us 2. But this is also why I don't want to confide in them because I don't want to ruin the friendship by letting them know how terribly I'm feeling, how alone I am. I don't want to seem manipulative. But my emotions are so extreme that keeping everything inside not even giving them a chance is almost making me resent them and is pushing me farther and quicker away from everyone and making me want to just shut everyone off again. Not give them the chance to reject me. Because I want to be close. I want to be their friend so bad. The closer I want to be the more I feel like I need to push them away because I used to be clingy in my youth and the rejection was catastrophic so now I do the opposite. 

I don't know if I should tell them or not. Not everything obviously, but just some. That I was diagnosed with BPD and it made my lifetime of symptoms make sense but it's also freaking me out to say the least. That I'm not hyperfixated on this thing anymore but I still want to be their friend. That I isolated for 4 years and I'm afraid of doing it again and I don't want to. (oh god i just want them to tell me they won't leave me oh god I just want reassurance ((((please tell me you love me and that I matter))))) 

I can't tell if wanting to confide is manipulative or not. I can't tell if it will strengthen our bond or not. I can't tell if I'm making so much of my mental wellbeing reliant upon telling them is unhealthy or not. Because my mind is either like 'you tell them this, or you never talk to them again', and I don't want to never talk to them again. I don't want to 'FP' them. I just want someone to understand me just a little bit. I am so extremely alone and I do not want to isolate again and I do not know what to do. I don't know if it's okay to open up about this or not.

My emotions and terror are so high I feel catatonic I feel extremely not real I can't breathe I can't go to work I don't know what to do, but I can't talk to anybody. It took me about 4 hours to type this, my brain is shutting down so hard. I feel like I need 24/7 inpatient therapy but I don't self harm so they wouldn't let me in. 

I'm sorry if this is all over the place. I've never talked about this before, barely use reddit, and literally do not know where else to turn. I have no one else to talk to.