I was sitting on the idea of making this a journal post, but I kinda wanted to just put it out there. There's a weird comfort in knowing that at least one person may read what is going on in my head. Lately I've been rewatching a video over and over of someone capturing themselves at age twenty, and that really appealed to me because I spend so much time outside of the present/reality. So, without further ado, here is me at 23.

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Hello, this is me at twenty-three years old, six months, and twelve days. It is Wednesday, and it is presently ten thirty in the evening. I have a weirdly overgrown hairstyle that I've been meaning to cut for over two months now. Lately, I've been finding myself almost enjoying picking out an outfit each day in hopes that someone might notice the amount of effort I put into each article of clothing. Though, I do mostly stick to khakis like Jake from Statefarm.

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My diet is not ideal, but I've been playing around with the idea of intermittent eating as of late. Chocolate chip waffles have become my crutch. It's kind of my go-to whenever there is literally any type of conflict in my life. Pop upset from work and passive aggressively slamming things? Have some dope waffles! Of course, I tend to take things a bit more to heart - there are just some things that waffles cannot fix.

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Lately this song: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6rGDNrivv8](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6rGDNrivv8)

Has been constantly on my mind. I think of everyone I've been close to - usually someone who shows me some type of affection for once. I still think of my first love, even though she has really moved on. That package still hurts, and lately I've been much better about putting it down and not constantly looking at her facebook. Actually, I went about a year without being close to anyone, since my mum passed. But naturally, the first two people I get close to end up blowing up a bit.

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The first gentlemen determined I was controlling, toxic, etc., which was painful because I had a bunch of people from my Intensive Outpatient Program telling me that I was kind, caring, and intelligent. But, naturally, those voices meant nothing to the one person saying otherwise. I wonder if he ever really understood just how much he had hurt me?

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The woman, who had become my favourite person, definitely was feeling the exhaustion of having someone who was trying to interact with her constantly. I tend to wonder if I will ever be able to change behavior, if it's just me, or if someone might actually enjoy me?

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Most recently, I've been struggling with seizure-like activity. Most likely from a rare side effect of antidepressents, but of course my catastophizing brain thinks of the worst scenarios, and replays what my mum went through. I'm not entirely sure I want to be alive. I wonder often what it might be like to just drift off in the world, but I think I would still feel the pangs of emptiness inside.

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But, hello. This is me, at twenty-three. I am still struggling, but I am also trying. I give blood, I try to help as many people as I can - even if I feel devoid of anything positive. Even if I personally don't think I am helpful, I do my best to listen to people, and give a perspective on humanity, instead of a perspective of judgement. Today I turned in my 30-day sobriety chip, but, I have to keep trying. I'm not sure what else I can do. I do not want to end this on a darker note, so instead, I will say I am hopeful for what is to come. Please keep trying.