i’ve been in love with this guy since i was 20 (i’m 24 now) and we were very close. we both admitted we had a deep connection, but he said for him it was never anything more. things were really complicated between us. i was really open about my feelings and intense (i feel like it’s hard not to be with this disorder and when you feel like you’re addicted to someone, and he always said he had no feelings but his actions a lot of the time said otherwise. once he was drunk and me and two of our guy friends were driving him to see this girl he was hooking up with, and he sat in the back of the car with me holding my hand and telling me how i was the best person i knew and he loved me and there was just so many instances like that. eventually we slept together and he then told me that he thought i was going to be the person he settled down with and had a life with, but sleeping with me made him realize he didn’t feel that way. i was crushed, but i moved forward. we slept together again and he kept making things hard for me, all while being manipulative and constantly breaking my heart and crushing my spirit. today he told me when he said that, he meant that he cared about me a lot as a friend and he’d never felt that way about a female friend before. that just crushed me. like it’s just me? i’m the only one you can’t have feelings for? we can have this deep connection and we can sleep together and you can tell me i’m beautiful and i’m the greatest person you’ve ever met and you can just.... not want me? i don’t understand how telling me you thought you’d be with me forever but realized you didn’t want that actually means i’m the only female friend you never fell for. he told people it was some of the best sex he ever had. he told me we should’ve kept doing it. it felt so special to me in my head and now it just feels like it didn’t mean anything to him so it’s just fucking stupid for it to mean something to me. it’s just a tarnished, dark memory now. he slept with my friends, he dated my roommates, he made me hate myself, and i still held onto this secret hope that some day we’d be together. i told myself that he was just waiting and one day it would happen. but none of it even meant anything and i just made it up inside my head. i’m completely fucking crushed. i loved him so much and none of it even meant anything. i let him break my heart over and over again for nothing.