I posted on here a while back that I thought my best friend was ending our friendship, but it wasn't clear...last night, after almost two months straight of ignoring me and refusing to tell me what was going on, he messaged me "I don't think I want this anymore"...I feel so...I was trying so hard to get better, not like, for him, just in general, but it affected our relationship the most and I'd been trying so hard to help it not do that, and he even agreed I was getting a lot better....we hadn't been arguing or fighting at all, it was so sudden and out of nowhere and now it feels like he's doing this because of how I reacted to him suddenly ignoring me and that feels so unfair..? of course I'm going to react badly when you suddenly start yelling at me and then ignore me for over a month....I told him repeatedly that if he had just asked for a break in a calm manner that I would have left him alone, and if he would just reply and tell me what was going on then I would leave him alone, but he wouldn't and it feels so deliberate....I keep going between crying and feeling numb..it's so frustrating because I was putting so much effort into being more mature and calm and I did everything I could and it feels like he..I don't know. I'm sorry this post is so badly written I just..don't have anyone else to tell. I only have one friend besides him, but they're much younger than me and I don't feel comfortable putting this on them, I don't want to worry them. I just needed to talk about it somewhere I guess.

edited because I found the words: it feels so frustrating because I was doing my best, and I was doing a really good job of it, I was really getting a lot better and being so much less volatile and explaining my feelings and thoughts really well and really thoroughly, and....it wasn't enough. I'm still too much work. even when I finally figure out how to make myself so much less work, I'm still too much work. my only friend now is someone who lives across the country, because all the friends I had who were near enough to see me irl couldn't handle how much work I am. and it feels so hopeless because if I'm not good enough/I'm too much effort when I'm at my best.....what's the point in even trying anymore...? I want more friends, I know everyone is going to say I need to make more friends but it's so hard because I can't maintain superficial relationships, I can't just have normal friends who I talk about regular things with, I had the same best friend for almost three years and I don't...know how to talk to people that I can't fully trust...I don't know how to just have casual conversation, even though we did have casual conversation, it was different because when I had weird thoughts about shit like how all language is just all made up, or how much time there really is in a lifetime, I could throw those into conversation with him and it was no big deal, and I don't...I don't want casual friendships honestly I want people or a person I can trust and really talk to and...it feels like I'm never going to find that again. I felt like I'd found such an amazing friend in him and I was trying so hard to be amazing for him too and I just...failed. I ran off the only person who would put up with me. 

I messaged him back last night and said that's his decision, but I still would like to talk to him one last time because I need the closure, and he hasn't replied and I keep being about to send him something like "the sooner we do that, the sooner this can be over for you" but I can't make myself do it because as much as I'm trying to make him think I'm fine and reacting to this like a normal person I'm not, I'm not okay he's in every part of my life, I can't listen to any music because we listened to all of it together, I can't go anywhere to get away because we went everywhere together, I can't even feed my dogs without thinking about him (I do still feed them, don't worry) because of all the times he's been at my house while I was feeding them and we would laugh at one of them getting so excited about dinner....even when I check to see if my back door is locked, because when we first moved to this apartment I could never remember which direction the handle went (it's a sliding glass door) and the way I ended up remembering was one day he saw me locking it and said his locks with the handle up, but mine locks with the handle down, and every time I would check the door I would hear him saying "mine locks up" and that's how I would remember, and now...I can't do anything in my house without thinking about him and it hurts so much, when I got a new mattress we kept my old one and put it on the floor for him because he slept over so often, and now it's just there from the last time he slept over and I hadn't moved it yet, and then I didn't move it after he started ignoring me because it felt like it would make it final that he wasn't coming back, and now it's final anyway and I still can't and...I can't stop crying I'm so sad I'm so frustrated because it's not fair, he's not judging me fairly but I can't tell him that because he'll just think I'm begging him to stay but I'm not, I just want him to see that he's judging me off of one tiny incident instead of all the huge strides I've made and I just....I don't understand why he did it like this, I don't understand why he made me wait over a month of being ignored letting me try to convince myself it would be okay instead of just being honest with me...