I think I've picked this up from high school. 

I had a friend group that I'd sit with at lunch but one day I realized they never really liked me. Basically it was like wow no one cares when I speak. Like I could disappear for a year and no one would notice. I was just the butt of jokes really. So I got another friend group. They were a lot nicer to me but unfortunately I picked up another bad rationale. They're only friendly to me because they pity me having barely any friends. 

In college I assumed everyone was friends with me because I had a ride, weed, alcohol, or knew a decent amount of people due to those first three things. I had a handful of friends I wouldn't doubt they liked me though because they were weird in the way I was weird so it made sense and we're still friends just obviously not as close due to life. 

I'm noticing now this has always been affecting my relationships since thinking about it. I oftentimes want to reach out but don't because "they probably think I'm weird af and I should take the hint they don't like me and leave them alone" which coincides with my stupid following of "set it free and if it comes back then it loves you" except I'm setting it free every time and I'm surprised it keeps coming back until it obviously doesn't because I'm not putting in effort because I don't want to get hurt when they come to their senses and stop pitying me and leave. 

Right now I've been dating this awesome dude for two weeks. He really seems to like me but I really don't know why. We've been hanging out like 3 times a week and then some more online gaming when we aren't together in person. 

But I've been falling back into my bullshit insecurities. I shouldn't text him because he probably thinks I'm annoying or doesn't like me and I should just wait for him he'll come back if he actually likes me. We go on another great date, we sleep together per usual, split after breakfast, and mid afternoon when I'm alone it's "he obviously doesn't like me set him free he'll come back if it's meant to be" all over again. Being ghosted in the past doesn't help but it's not an excuse. 

This probably has to do with me hating myself. I commonly go through the day non ironically saying I'm a garbage person. I only have a few friends because I'm trash and they pity me.

I got in a fender bender a few days ago and still want to die whenever I think about it. What kind of idiot causes that and although the guy I hit said there was no damage and he was incredibly chill, I've probably permanently damaged his back and my actions are just idiotic, I should turn in my keys and just stop ruining people. He asked if I was ok and I was too busy apologizing and rethinking all my actions to prevent this from happening again and how I possibly could make it up to this poor man besides just giving him my insurance to even ask if he was ok.  It's like I'm so busy beating myself up because I feel like I deserve it.

I don't know what to do. I'm afraid to get close to people because why would anyone like me, they'll just leave.