So long story short, it wasn’t a good night tonight. This is solely a vent post, I don’t really want advice tbh. I came home from work pretty upset since I felt like my mom was judging me incredibly hard and disappointed In me. Albeit, it was something small. It was a left-leaning post I made on Instagram but it affected me a lot since I used to be far right when I was truly far gone with BPD years back and I feel like I made a lot of change since that point. I came home and tried talking to my partner. Felt like he really couldn’t care and just wasn’t listening to anything that I was trying to say. I yelled (first mistake on my part) since I was getting frustrated that I wasn’t being heard and he just stopped caring even more. I went to the room and bawled my eyes out. He usually checks on me but he didn’t tonight so I thought it was a good idea (note: sarcasm) to try to unplug the TV while he was playing video games (second mistake). Admittedly, I started getting a bit physically aggressive (third mistake), I was blocking his path, hitting my fists against the counter, etc. I was trying to tell him that I don’t feel listened to, etc. And well, he proceeded to say “what do you want me to tell you? I’m sorry you ruin everything, wished your parents liked you”
This is a pretty damn big soft spot for me. I’ve always had issues with insecurities about my parents. I’ve always felt like a disappointment to them and that they don’t really care for what’s happening to me mentally. My mom has cancer unfortunately and though I do understand what’s going on with her and I truly fear for her well-being, I felt like my mental issues were always second priority since her diagnosis.  So even though he didn’t really know or think about it before saying it, it still hurt an awful lot. I turned back to SH unfortunately tonight and pretty much banished myself to the bedroom. 
I know tomorrow will be a better day. I’ve been waiting to get myself help again for a while now. It’s just difficult since my insurance is through my school and so I’ll need to go there before anything and I currently don’t have the money to do that right now. In the meantime, I’ve tried implementing some skills to help myself until I get the help again. It’s just tough and tonight was a slip up, a bad one. I’ve realized my mistakes and I’ll keep practicing my skills. It’s really tough to keep hope right now but I’m trying