 

I suffer from dysthymia. Have been for years. But not just that, there's also anxiety/low self esteem that developed.

It got worst years ago. Then I got help. It got better.Fast forward a bit. I'm just surviving. Always low, always depressed, but muddling through. I've even got a job, I'm not poor, I have a cat, I just survive.

Then, I meet another person online. They become a friend. We become close friends.

The problem is, they are on of my only friends. I'm just 'one' of theirs. I'm incredibly attached to them. Would do anything for them. They know about me and my issues and accept it.

The problem? Whenever I'd like to hangout and they don't have time, because they're busy with studying, doing something else, talking to others ... when I can't spend time with them on a day, I feel like they just don't want to be with my anymore. I feel worthless. Always have been, always will be.

I just want to mean something more to someone. The problem? I know I have issues and I know it's unreasonable to always fear that one day, they'll go away and I will be almost alone again. I always need reassurance in one way or another that no, I haven't fucked up (yet) and no, they still like to hang out with me.

Why?

Why am I like this? It's killing me, inside. And I know it's draining on other people, too. I feel like I should just remove myself out of other people's picture again, isolate myself again.

It will be hard, it will be lonely, but at least I won't hurt other people and at least I won't have to be paranoid, or sad, anymore. For no reason other than the fact that I have no self esteem and feel worthless to everyone else.

I hate myself for being this way. I hate myself for feeling this way and what it does to others. It's not fair to them.

I'm just so *tired*.