I might make a big post about what happened at some point, but my FP cut contact with me because I used him to emotionally offload for a long time and I didn't realise but it had really really damaged his mental health and basically he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore for his own mind's sake. It's nothing new. I don't feel "abandoned" as much as I feel like I unintentionally really really hurt a person who cared deeply about me, and if I want the best for him (which I do) I need to accept that I'm not well enough to be anything but a person who will continue to not understand boundaries and therefore continue with a destructive, dependent, toxic friendship. And I can't do that to him, or justify the idea of continuing it once I finally realised that's what it was.

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We ended it on good terms consider, because he explained why talking to me caused him pain and I completely understood and was glad he was cutting me off because I'm just relieved I can't unintentionally hurt him anymore. I've had FPs leave me before. But he was the best one I have ever had without a doubt, and genuinely the kindest person to everyone who knows him, and he saved me.

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And I am so sad about what happened.

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At first I don't think I comprehended the totality of it. He cut me off the day after I moved cities. It was really bad how we left irl because I couldn't get out of the splitting episode and I had awful fatigue and I felt like I was going crazy. He texted me the day after and honestly I just felt happy I had an answer rather than waiting for what I knew was going to come.

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But I messaged him today because I had to sort out the money I transferred to his account which he gave me in chunks as and when I needed it to prevent me from spending it all impulsively. But also I owed him some of it as I needed to give some of it for his utility bill as I'd been staying at his flat. And suddenly everything hasn't ended in a neat little bow and the thank yous and the apologies and the pleasantries. It feels bad now. I feel like I could see some of his anger at how much my illness had taken a toll on him, and the frustration and all the bad feelings he had successfully hidden from me before, for my sake.

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I've gone through a phase of shock and misplaced euphoria. I've had a random anger frustration phase when I was dissociating as we talked about whether or not I'd get my money back (I am, but I'm going to pay him back through a mutual friend.)

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Now I'm just so sad about it all. I keep thinking about conversations when things were good and knowing I'll never ever have them again. It was all finite. I'll never get it back. I just feel so broken. It's not even that I miss him and want to talk right now, because I know it wouldn't be the same and I have no interest in disrespecting his wishes.

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After the conversation today about money I got heavily dissociated. I'd repressed stuff in the immediate aftermath of coming back home but it's all coming back to me now. I feel so angry at myself and so remorseful over what I've ruined. I want to go through all the old conversations, and the photos I have of him on my phone. I can see his face again in my head and remember the nice stuff I couldn't yesterday. I know it wouldn't help me to remember but the urge is so bad.

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Does anyone have any tips for getting over an FP? Every part of my body is full of the desire to do something awful and self-destructive, all the habits I kicked because I knew I'd have to tell him if I did and I knew he'd be so upset with me. But he's not here anymore. Only one person in my life understands any of this and she is the one I split on who just feels really bad for everything I put him through. I don't want to express this to her as I don't want to make it seem like I'm the victim in all of this because I know I'm not. I just feel so much all at once and I don't want to. I hope it gets better than this, and fast.

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Advice would be really appreciated right now.