Let me put a trigger warning here for mass shootings because I have such bad anxiety surrounding them. I haven’t ever been caught in one myself, but with how often they happen, the fear about them mounts on me more and more everyday. At first, the fear and anxiety was small. But now, I purposefully avoid highly targeted places. I haven’t been to a mall since junior high and I’m 22 now. I haven’t been to a concert since I was 16. And before today, I hadn’t been to a movie theater since 2018. 

But today was progress. 

I have a friend who pushes me and he wanted me to go see Eternals so that we could discuss it. Biting the anxiety, I went for it. I went to an early matinee and I was the only one in the room. Still, I sat by the emergency exit. And every so often, I looked around to make sure no one was hiding behind seats. In the end, I actually had a lot of fun. I surprised myself. But now the true test is whether or not I can do the same thing come next week when I see Spider-Man. (Again, my friend is pushing me.) 

I think I’m more scared about next week because my ticket is the first showing ever at my theater. Granted, this is an old, rundown building. The marquee signs aren’t lit up (bulbs busted). The movie signs on the theater rooms are written on printer paper and taped to the walls. The movies are shown in HD at best, the same quality as my TV at home. So maybe because of this, I won’t have to deal with a lot of people? I mean, I preordered my ticket already and none of the showings are sold out. Meanwhile, my friend in his town couldn’t get a ticket cause he missed the sale. Anyone have any advice for this second go, about facing a lot of people and the fear of being shot at? 

Anyways, at least I made progress, right? Small steps.