I hate throwing my grief and personal struggles at people. It makes me feel needy, overbearing and bratty. Normally I'd keep my problems lodged in my throat and wash them away with a nap and one of those lofi playlists but recently that's not cutting it. 

I know this sounds goofy but I can't escape this feeling of impending doom. Almost like someone or something is on its way to get me. I get this sensation in my gut routinely that makes me sick to my stomach with fear and panic as if I need to run and hide. Soon after, their is this feeling of what I can only describe as lava traveling up to my brain. Not painful or burning lava, just a warm liquid warping around the top of my head and ears. When this happens, my head starts to throb. I get really tired here but my heart still beats insanely fast as if its warning me to stay awake in case something bad happens. At the end, I always get this feeling that a monster is towering above me, hovering over my shoulders. Not threatening or scary. Just there to be there, I can't describe it.

The worst part about these episodes is that the end of the day. I feel like I deserve the fear and panic attacks. All the regrettable decisions I wish I could fix or change from the past rush into my head telling me that I deserve the buzzing in my head and that I need to carry this burden until I can make everyone I care about happy. 

This philosophy of keeping family and friends happy has only added more weight to my shoulders which feeds this feeling I've been describing. My Mom's bipolar disorder has caused her to drink too much which has left her broke and dangerously sick. She doesn't have money for a car or insurance and my mom's side of the family are always at a civil war so they refuse to help. So she's only making her situation worse. My younger sister is at that emotional teen age which is causing her to dive into areas of depression and suicidal thoughts which my family isn't well equipped to deal with. My older sister has recently been diagnosed with epilepsy. She frequently has seizures lasting several painstaking minutes. These leave her in complete disarray and she often can't remember who anyone is or where she is for 15 minutes. To add insult to injury, her Chron's disease is seeping it's way back into the picture which has left her hospitalized so so may times. All of which is hard to deal with seeing as how she is unable to keep a job in this state and her boyfriend is working day and night to keep a roof barely over their heads.

I need all of the money I can to eat, pay for gas and pay my car insurance. My job only pays minimum wage. Half of my check is eaten away by gas and insurance which only leaves me enough for 1$ McChickens here and there if I have the time before work. 

Idk man, it's just been a lot of harsh obstacles that I don't have enough energy for. I guess that's why I keep having this constant state of panic and doom hit me like a truck when I least expect it. I want everyone I love to be okay for awhile, even if its just a few days. Time has sped up for me and it feels like I've been sucked into a tornado that never stops fucking spinning. I just want everything to just freeze and disappear so I can run away to a cool little cabin in a snowy ass hill In Alaska alone.

I'm really tired now so I'm kind of typing like and edgy little kid, I'm sorry about that.

I'm sorry for how long this post is, It just felt nice to let it out a little and I totally understand if you didn't wanna read this long rant.

Hope everyone has a good night.

\-Weasel Boat