This is a repost from another subreddit, and I thought I could come here for some answers:

A couple days ago I wrote about my girl and I calling it quits and it occurred sometime after I learned that she might have bpd. “Might” because she mentioned it months ago that she thought it was something she had, which I really didn’t pay any mind to, and her new therapist thought she exhibited some of the symptoms and she told me this days before the huge argument that led to the breakup. 

Now I’ve been reading and reflecting, since she told me the news and have done more since the breakup and I’m really starting to doubt whether or not she has  full blown bpd. I see some traits but not to the degree that I’ve read.

She has never really “split” me. Yes, there were both good and bad times, but it wasn’t all or nothing. I was never the scum or the best thing that was happening in her life. I was never really placed on a pedestal. There was definitely screaming tho. Every other day, if not everyday, was an argument about the smallest shit. And when the argument was over, as in I decided to give up on the argument, she would always ask me “are you mad?” Like 5 minutes after it ended. Which always pissed me off, because it felt like she couldn’t understand why I would still be ticked.

Oftentimes, I would always get the feel that she thought it was me and her against the world. As in any slight done to her was one done to me, and acted as if we were above others. Would expect me to boss other people around for her, and when I would explain that I have to be considerate, she would often say that I’m talking other people’s side in the situation. 

She definitely was easily triggered by small things and very insecure. She would accuse me of paying mind to other women and the smallest interaction between me and another girl put her in a mood. Social media was a big trigger for her. Anyone I followed who was remotely attractive was an issue. This caused some serious issues. She was very needy and wanted lots of attention. But I didn’t have to spend my entire time with her.

The relationship was rocky from the beginning, and at that time I was more confused about the arguments and didn’t really know how to counter. Over time I became more defensive and argumentative which led to more intense arguments. Coupled that with some things she did to make me feel insecure, I would often rage when she raged back. But then I started therapy because the whole thing was crushing me and I was so confused as to what I was doing wrong. I learned to calm myself and not be reactive when she’s being reactive and that actually led to some positive moments when the arguments started heating up. I would remain calm and eventually she calmed down and was able to listen to my side and we were able to smooth things out. Didn’t happen all the time but it was a drastic change.

Although the intensity of the arguments decreased, the frequency was the same, so I told her she needs to also do her part and go to therapy or I’m leaving. And she started on the search, I even helped, and she found a therapist. And she started getting better.

Now mind you, I still had some unresolved issues from before our therapy seeking because of all the problems we were having. My therapist told me that I would have to find peace with not knowing the root cause of everything, which is any issue of mine. But things were so bad before that those moments kept a on replaying in my head.

We had broken up a couple times before, but for an hour, and she would always swear she’d do better, so I would acquiesce.

The past couple weeks prior to the breakup were more tough because of the whole lockdown thing and she was in quarantine with me. She had fallen on hard times. she was in chronic pain from an accident she had a while back. So things were a little explosive.

I won’t reveal the details of the events leading up to the breakup. But as you can see, she’s been volatile, but easy to calm when met with a calming attitude. Been very insecure and needy, and paranoid. But I don’t really see the abandonment issues. She has mentioned unstable relationships in the past tho. 

I’m not saying I know better than her therapist or even her, but it seems the more I investigate, the more unlikely it seems. Maybe on the spectrum but on the low end? Or maybe I’m trying to assuage myself because of the guilt I feel now because if she does have it, she must be going through hell because of the breakup

Edit. Another thing is after one of our biggest fights, she decided it was best for her to go home for a while until her therapy appointment because she didn’t want to avoid saying or doing the wrong thing. She also says I hold on to stuff(which I kinda do), and that a lot of the harmful things she was doing in the relationship in the beginning, she wasn’t aware of until she started therapy, and that I should have given her a clean slate, which I struggled with and which compounded some issues.