(Sorry this is so long, don’t blame you for not spending time to read it) 

My parents are about to divorce, and it has been long overdue. My dad is an awful human being, so much so I admittedly punched him in the face this last summer. He has emotionally, physically, and psychologically abused my mom (an immigration attorney and a saint) for over two decades and is a gambling and drug addict who provides nothing of value. I don’t know how much to attribute my moments of extreme anger and aggression with being bipolar or being raised by him, as he is undeniably a sociopath with anger issues. He goaded me into punching him, wanting to take advantage of my volatility and hoping to make himself out to be the victim to any idiot that would ever sympathize for him. I don’t even want to type the extent I hate him - it’s actually impressive how awful he chooses to be day in and day out. The real victim is my mom, and I feel bad even posting this wanting help/advice. 

I thought leaving home and going to law school would help, and so far being across the country from him has. My only regret about punching him was I didn’t do it harder, so it’s definitely for the best I don’t ruin my future by harming him again and getting convicted of assault. Out of sight, out of mind. 

But law school has raised its own problems for me. The workload and demands of school go without saying, but the social aspects of it have become a lot to deal with. I became close with a girl (Jane Doe) I have some feeling for. She’s so fun and enthusiastic and active. To me, she is one of the most (if not the most) beautiful girls in my class and in town I’ve seen. She’s four years older than me and we both share the same politics too. For about two months we hung out almost all the time. I haven’t spent so much time with one person in so long, especially not someone I was interested in (I’ve never even had a gf), and I slept with her a couple times. We both agreed it was a friends with benefits situation. The day before the first time I slept with her, my house had a Halloween party, in which she got very drunk and slept with my friend who was my wingwoman and initially told me the girl I liked was attracted to me. In response to hearing this was about to happen, I punched a hole in my wall and then punched the wall again, hit the stud, and fractured my fifth metacarpal. I had to wear a cast for a month on my dominate hand, and I still have to go to PT. I eventually made things up with my wingwoman friend. 

Jane told me the next day she was ridiculously attracted to me but didn’t want to hook up because she just got out of a 2 year relationship within the previous month and thought if we slept together “it would turn into something more” and that she wasn’t looking for a relationship for a long time. She felt that way for about 12 hours. We then slept with each other another time, which made me think there was going to be some consistency (and her not seeing me breaking my hand as a red flag also gave me reassurance), but I knew eventually she would start seeing other guys casually.

 It now turns out the first guy she went on a date with is someone she’s seeing seriously, and they’ve known each other for about 6 weeks. The week after she first met him she started hanging out with me less and less, and she didn’t tell me things were getting serious with him until one of our mutual friends suggested she say something to me. She briefly apologized, and never acknowledged she completely cast me aside as a friend, let alone someone to be intimate with. To make matters worse, the guy lives in a van (a lifestyle, not financial choice) and is a military vet, which based on her politics I never thought she’d ever consider dating a vet. Apparently he is leaving in the summer, but I can’t count on anyone’s word at this point. We haven’t hung out in weeks, and barely speak or interact with each other. I don’t even know if she’s aware of how hurt I am or how poorly she’s handled the situation (everyone who knows the situation, even her roommate, acknowledge she’s treated me poorly). She has some mental health issues of her own, and it’s becoming seemingly clear she is not sure about what she wants and is impulsive. I haven’t said anything because we are in finals season and I didn’t want to make things more stressful, but I’m scared I’m going to end up incredibly depressed or have a manic episode (haven’t had one in 4 years) if I do confront her. 

I don’t have people I’m very close with to go to. Jane knows about the situation with my dad, even the fact I punched him, but now I cant go to her to talk about it. For my situation with Jane, I don’t want to stress my mom out (I’ve talked to her some) because she’s still dealing with my dad, and obviously I don’t have a father to go to. I talk to my roommates here and there, but ultimately I’ve only known them for a few months. I can’t afford to see my therapist consistently, and there is generally no one I am close with who knows (only friends I’ve known for a few months) both Jane and I and the situation. My only hope is Jane hasn’t said anything because she too would rather wait to talk after finals, but I feel like I shouldn’t give her the benefit of the doubt at this point. I get sick just seeing her, and I don’t even know how I’d handle seeing the guy she’s dating. She brought him on her birthday to our IM soccer game a couple weeks ago and it felt like a dagger through my heart.

All in all, everyone has said I’ve handled the situation well, and considering I punched a hole in the wall over something minor, they’re impressed I’ve stayed composed considering being bipolar, in law school, and my family situation. 

But I’m losing sleep (my last final is in less than 8 hours as I type this) and have been passively suicidal. I know these are first world problems and so many people have it far worse, but I feel like what’s happening are a sign of things to come. I’ve been able to sleep with numerous women, but I can’t seem to find a girlfriend. It’s somehow worse I do sleep with them because I get my hopes up and get more attached, ultimately for it to not work out. I feel like because I’m a minority (Palestinian) and bipolar are some reasons for that, and now having daddy issues makes it worse. Things out of my control will stop me from finding someone who wants to be with me, no matter how well I treat them. It feels like I’m destined to be alone or waste so much of my life with someone I settled for like my mom did. I swing back and forth from being so confident things will work out; after all I went to a really good undergrad and I go to a good law school and I’m smart and handsome and have a lot of friend. But also that I’m an imposter, ugly, my friends secretly hate me, I’m unloveable, and a psychopath that will end up like my dad. 

I don’t know how to handle all of this and prevent myself from unraveling. For anyone who’s been so kind to spend the time to read all this, what’s your advice on how to go about all this? What should I say to her? How do I help my mom and sister and stay strong even though I’m cracking? How the hell do I fall asleep?