I end up splitting, getting paranoid, shutting down, becoming passively suicidal, etc. I can go months without noticeable symptoms and think I’m “cured” but it always. Comes. Back. It can be for the absolute smallest reason too. Tonight it was after months of doing amazing but someone unsent a message on Instagram after months of not using social media and BAM. Paranoia for hours and hours spiraling over my sleeping husband. 
No amount of assurance will cure my paranoia. Not getting married, having a house together or being pregnant. Nothing. I hate myself and I hate this disorder. I hate pushing him away with paranoia. I can go literally almost 9 months without looking at his phone and the moment I do BAM I find something I think means something and make scenarios in my head that somethings happening or has happened. I’m going to try not to bring it up in the morning but fuck I just don’t wanna live in this brain anymore.