Everyone I've ever had a relationship with has told me that I am so sweet and kind. I want to be that guy, and I try hard for the most part, but I always hurt them.  I always will end up being manipulative and mean when I don't get my way. 

I know that it's my responsibility to understand my condition, and to try everything I can to keep myself in check. Sometimes I don't try at all. Sometimes I try really hard, and fail. But whatever the case may be, I AM going to end up hurting people, and it will only be my fault. 

I know in my heart that I'm a bad person, and I want to punish myself. I often think that the only thing to do is isolate myself completely, but even a few minutes without my favorite person is unbearable, and so no mater how toxic we are being at the time, I go back to her. Other times when I feel I can't escape the situation, I want to burn or cut myself. I usually tell myself that it's punishment, but I know logically that it doesn't do any good, and it's only self indulgent, and sometimes I just use it as another form of manipulation. 

I don't know if there is really a point to this post, and I'm sure it's rambly, but I'm kind of doing this on a whim. I have never talked to other people online about my condition, and I've never talked to another person with BPD at all. My FP said I should try to talk to people online who also have BPD. Also I should say that I'm the most stubborn person I know. No matter how logical or simple a suggestion might be, I'm not likely to change my behavior. Please don't be mad.