After a very sudden and unexpected breakup at a very hard time in my life i have struggled with the zero contact with my ex. When we do talk he's sometimes flirty and funny and we were going to talk things through at some point. My brain has not been able to let go because it was not yet over. 

This morning i sent him a perfectly valid email asking him for an update on the std test we both had prior to the breakup with zero conversational context at all. He questioned my mental health for asking, engaged in conversation with me for a while and then told me i drove him crazy and he wanted nothing to do with me right now and to leave him alone. He says that all the time but continues to engage. 

I've had enough. Even though this man smothered me, mocked all my self care routine and continually sat me down to describe fantasies of our future together, knowing that i have bpd and being familiar with it, i still wanted everything he promised i could have. In reading our dialogue together, my therapist and friends have identified that he preyed on specific areas of weakness for me to increase how dependent i was. 

So i mustered up the meanest response i possibly could, telling him that i was disgusted by him and he was an opportunistic sociopath and i never wanted to see his face again. To which he responded with rage, threats of a restraining order if i ever contacted him again (unwarranted, i am high functioning and not a risk to myself or anyone else) and told me to fuck off. He also finally blocked me on all social media (thank god). 

I just wanted it to be over so i could start moving on instead of being terrified of his judgements over everything i said. I'm relieved, but also finally starting to grieve and it hurts like a motherfucker. I feel guilty for what i said but just because it wasn't right. But now i cam move through the process of learning to select people to be in my life who add to it instead of pushing me into a spiral. 

Im so tired now. 