Okay so let me explain. In 2020, I started slowly feeling worse ab myself due to seeing beauty standards. It started with mascara, then lip gloss, then blush. I couldnt stop staring at myself—not cause i loved myself, but bc i hated my face. I didnt know, but at the time i had facial dysmorphia, and still do. But that aside, i still had many struggles.
In early 2020, when the pandemic started, I felt depressed. I started FaceTime in my friends every day and playing games with them. It was fun, until we had drama and didnt talk as much. I wont go into as much detail, but in a summary: my life was sh*t. I didnt leave my room ever. I go on online school and not pay attention, I would play video games all day between 10 to 15 hours a day. Mainly Roblox or Minecraft because at the time those are the only games I had access to (along w a few others). I was barely take showers. I would barely feed myself. I would go out during the night and steal snacks and store them in my room so I could have some sort of nutrients during the day. Not only versus insanely unhealthy but I didn’t care. This wasn’t just one day, this was repeated for 7-8 months. I was so depressed and tried killing myself many times. In total I’ve tried killing myself 34 times. Not just that but I attempted self harming. Although I did try killing myself I didn’t want to self harm because I was afraid that I’d still be living and it would hurt. Not just hurt physically but hurting emotionally. I hurt myself and those around me and I feel so dirty for it. It was a lot worse than I’m describing it, fun things like starving myself to over eating forcing myself to throw up at to not bathing for weeks on end. I wouldn’t do my piano lessons virtually, I wouldn’t pay attention in school. No matter how many times I told myself this was OK it really was it. It also tells me to develop anger issues in which I broke my computer four times total from your punching the screen or sitting on it.
The worst part was my mental health was so bad I moved away. Or, I didn’t move away, but my parents chose to. I cannot handle New York according to my parents so they chose to move to another state. It sucks because I grew so attached every single person I knew there and was so upset that I had to leave them. I didn’t even say goodbye to them, let alone tell them I was going to be leaving. It was planned for around four months, but not once did I tell them until the day I was moving. I was scared they would hate me. Many do. I still feel guilty about not telling them and they really hate me now. It was the bad decision to not tell them I was moving, and I could’ve made so many more memories with them if I actually chose to tell them and open up.
I’m in a much better place now, and I actually have a life that I do enjoy. I do have some PTSD, along with other things that have changed in my life because of this incident. One major thing is that I am now 30 pounds underweight. This is because of my eating habits, but I’m slowly getting to my goal. I much closer to my family now, and have a great friends who support me for who I am. I am much more happier and more of myself. Although this part of my life has passed, I still feel hatred for who I was back then. Im glad i could open up and accept myself.