So, after a few last wild benders, I started getting help for my drinking. It's good, I drank too much, I was miserable. I was hurting. But I'm still slipping here and there. I'm still hurting. I see myself happier when dry, then something good or bad happens and I drink and I'm miserable, But I keep torturing myself. On a detox programme now, got a group and 1 to 1 for the booze and drugs. It's nice and I know its good but the way I see it is I'm gonna die alone anyway why not be half-cut whilst doing it, people always leave, fuck it I don't blame them, I'm alright for a bit then I'm not, it's fine but man I miss the people I love. But I can't be around them I know I hurt people. 

&amp;#x200B;

My ex was my FP and she's gone and that sucks but I'm trying to learn how to deal with it, guess I'm doing ok on that front. I wish it didn't happen but I hope she's happy you know? I can't meet other people like that yet, tried once and just had to leave and walked 2 hours home 

&amp;#x200B;

it's my birthday on the 7th and I'm thinking about that, I'm alone. So alone, and I'm trying to get better but I can't reach out to my friends, I don't know why?  I'm having suicidal urges just saying 'do it that day what a good day to do it fucking quality that mate' no preparation, but its been on my mind since it turned march. 

My new meds have just made the highs more manageable and the lows more like a slow weight being put on me and I'm drowning. But I think they are ok. 

&amp;#x200B;

I got a new job man I was stoked on that, now stressing out what to wear, classic case innit. 

&amp;#x200B;

I feel disconnected more than usual, can't deal with anyone. 

&amp;#x200B;

I'm 5 weeks clean from coke and valium, a long time away from gambling. And an embarrassingly short time since my last relapse with booze. 

Fuck man I'm trying, still ain't got DBT. See how that goes come Friday I been begging for it,

I feel like a teenager again, sad about not having anyone to hang out with, the party's over and I can't fucking hack it. Maybe I never could.