I don’t know it’s been about a month and I just feel so hopeless at work. I used to love this job that I come back to work again.
I choose to have this job but the people makes me feel so bad about myself.
I feel like someone had been gossiping bad about me and I’m being paranoid of being fired. In which sometimes I don’t really care.
I just looked at my bank and in a year I’ve worked there, I’ve only saved measly 500.
Like how the f is that even possible? 
All I have done is pay pay pay my rent and some food. I don’t buy anything else heck I haven’t even bought myself not even socks for holidays.
And this job supposedly like almost the best paying job around here.
My hope is to truly able to get just an online job I love as web developer, even if I just get paid $30 and hour and I work for 30 hours that’s still better than what I make and I do what I love.
But my hope is to have my own web development business. 
I don’t know I’ve been trying since 2013 and I just feel so fucking hopeless!
In the end Work is fine because even if I’m super introvert to be around people for a day just makes me less depressed and kept my suicidal thoughts at bay. But everyday when I need to wake up so early to go to work I feel like I don’t matter because I just don’t make enough and not saving any money I’m supposed to because my initial hope is that I’ll have enough to pay for school for two years and then go get a job at  company. But I think with my mental illnesses it’ll be hard for me to work with people in the office.
I have enough credit cards to cover to start an online business selling stuff but still scared to rack debts I can’t pay when no one buy my stuff.
Just so hopeless, feel like I have so much hope and dreams but I’m so frightened because I have no one else but me.
I’m just ranting