Hello, I am a 21 year old girl and I have been dealing with a lot of negative emotions for the past 6 years of my life. I come from a very open and supportive family so when I first started feeling like that my parents tried to help me but it felt like the conclusion they reached was always puberty. I can see myself getting worse every day. Ever since the age of 4 I have been struggling to lose weight with diets and nutritionists, since I was always an overweight child. Now I have reached a weight that is healthy but still overweight (I am 5'3 and 95kg). However it is affecting my life a lot. I have lost interest in things that make me happy and I feel comfortable only inside my house. 

Logically I know that what I am feeling is ridiculous but I cant stop my thoughts from appearing out of nowhere. I have stopped going out of my house as often because I am embarrassed of the way that I look and I feel like everyone is judging me. Also I am finding it difficult to make new friends in my course because I think that they will judge me for my body.  I love cooking but I never tell people since I am scared that they will think "ah thats why she is fat", which is the same reason why I never eat big portions when I am out with people. I have always had issues with my weight but I reached a point in my life where it affects my daily life. 

I am always trying to lose weight by dieting but I am just so sick of it. I have never been able to eat whatever I want whenever I want. I always have to be careful carbs, fat, sugar, calories etc. And every time I let go and eat whatever I want, I feel guilty about it and it affects my mood dramatically. I am not strong enough to make myself puke or take laxatives, I just beat myself up mentally. But the thing that angers me the most is the fat-phobia that I have developed. I hate myself for having negatives thoughts about other people that are not skinny, and I know that it comes from the hate that I have for my own body. 

I just wanted to talk about this without having to discuss it with anyone that knows me, so thank you for reading this.