Hi. So I know one of the symptoms to BPD is dissociation and I will sometimes do this thing and the closest I've come to figuring out what it was, was dissociation so I figured I'd get some input. 


There will be times (when it's really bad) where I'll be in this state and in this state nothing feels real. Like my hand doesn't seem like my hand and things around just feel weird and not real. Depending on how bad it gets it can range from spacing out completely. 


When it's really bad though, like this one time, I had no control over anything i had just been crying for hours and death didn't feel real and there felt like where were no consequences and i almost cut my neck in an attempt to suicide because it didn't feel real. I don't remember what triggered it but i was really really depressed at the time. It felt like if i were to die then i wouldn't go anywhere or as if i would just become nothing. 


Another bad time was when i had a really bad day. Thinking back on it, it somewhat felt abusive (as i was abused when i was younger) and that could have possibly triggered it maybe? Anyways i had just kept crying and crying and i was just staring blankly and hardly remember what was going on and i couldn't get out of this state and thank god i was with my exboyfriend because I felt like if i had jumped off the roof then it wouldn't have mattered and that death didn't feel like this big thing. I don't know. 


Today, my mom acted in a way that made me feel like i was still being abused by her. a bit ago i felt dissociative in a way that i could have harmed myself and it wouldn't have a consequence but i still had control of it. I ended up self harming and i was able to feel it and it felt good. It brought me back more. I don't know. any thoughts or opinions is good. 


TL;DR: things such as my hand or everything won't feel real, consequences such as death or hurting myself don't feel real and i've recently noticed that these events have been triggered by what brings back or feels like abuse, as i was abused when i was a child. Thoughts and opinions would be really helpful.