I swing back and forth in my head so frequently I feel it's not fair to my partner. I can manage to shower cook clean some days and others it's entirely up to them. I love my partner but I definitely split them into good/ bad frequently. I'm scared my relationship will fail soon  

I'm heading to an outpatient day program starting Friday but then I have three daunting days before the next session. I feel so bad at how there/ not all there I get. And the suicidal ideation is daily now. 

I never thought I would live past the age that I am and I'm not sure how to complete the program and get on with life. I have no goals or job and feel it's completely unfair to my partner to have to live with someone so directionless. I can't give them the car, mortgage, ect existence. I'll be trapped working random jobs and in and out of therapy for life. I wish I hadn't met my partner sometimes so I could be free to die. 