Okay i think I'm going trough the begging, in 2019 i meet a guy, we fall in love so quickly that we started a relationship, he told me that he was Borde and i think that's was okay because at that moment i only was diagnosed with depression... He somedays treat me like shit of nowhere, i let that's thing's just go away and shut up my feelings because i know it was the bpd talking... With the time more things start to coming up, but again i shut up, in 2020 just when the pandemic started we move together (i was 20 and he was 27) so we spend a lot more time together because of that, in March i started to go to a psiquiatric, the same as my couple, i was diagnosed with ocd and depression so i started to take meds, he wasn't in his meds... Slowly i became a 50s perfect women who clean the house, and do all the things because he was working, he hated everything i do, he controll my life, i need to ask him for go outside of the apartment, and we have sex when he wants, in May i have a suicide attempt, because i was not longer feeling wheel whit how he treat me, after that i was diagnosed with bpd too, with the past of time the relationship become more awful, he was annoyed because i have a job outside of the house, and thing started getting violent, i have an episode when i atack him, and he sometimes took my meds and start to throwing shit to me on thing that's really hurt me. In August we broke up, i move, i was not tolerating his behavior, a lot of shitty things appen before that and i wasn't mentally okay for that, he try to commit suicide (it's was his 10 attempt) a was trying to move on in my life, but things when like shit, i development a drugs addiction, i was in a deep spot in my life but he was not more controlling me, so i can be me... That end with an overdose and a month in a mental health institution, after that i have to work a lot in myself, because i was having ptsd from the relationship, but for some reason i still missing him... This year in February we contact each other, and talk about everything that happen in the past, slowly we beggin to date again, and it was different because we try to understand more about the other, and we really loved each other... But in some point bad things go back, so we decided to break up again but this time understanding that we loved and i was a healthy good bye. One week after (May) i have sex with so random guy and he knows about it, so in revenge he past a video of us having sex to a -18 girl with out my consent, so i make public the situation in Ig and was going for legal actions, but the morning after i wake up and my FP tell me that he committed suicide... Literally in front of where i whas, i have to go back to the hospital for safety, when i was out me and my FP talk to him (trow a Ouija) and he told us to do something we things i have from him, and he told me to see under a post it on a letter he wrote back again, and under the post it was a draw of him death and the post it says "if i do this it's because i need it" and he told me that it's not my fault his decisions. Since then i can't have my life back, i feel death, i feel like i never going to meet someone so wonderful like him, i love him, i miss him so much, and i know it's fucktup when we literally make my life hell, but someone reason i can't live. Sometimes i talk to him, dream about him, talk about him like he was alive, it's like Estocolmo Sindrom.. idk i just want to share this. If you reed all of this, thanks.