A rant and looking for support and understanding

I have PNES (psychogenic nonepileptic seizures) with is a dissociative or conversion disorder. I have been dealing with turmoil with my mom, and I am feeling a lot of big and sad emotions. I have been smoking w33d a lot more, and not being productive. I know how I am handling things is not the healthy way, but I can't seem to get back on track. I can't convince myself to be productive, and I can't convince myself not to pick up my w33d pen. I am so ashamed that I'm not fighting my impulses. But I am also putting no effort into fighting them either, it just seems so hard. I remember how it felt the last time I went into this sort of slump, and I hate it. I know I am in that exact same kind of slump, but I just can't escape it.