I have agoraphobia so I can’t really go shopping in person. Online pickup orders are okay but even though I’m financially secure I have this deep fear of spending money on food. Like, I could buy all this stuff and it go bad in a week. Or I run out and I have to go shopping again.

Instead I usually put on my mask and do drive thru or pickup orders (specifically in places where I don’t have to interact with anyone besides someone handing me a bag) but again, spending money. I’ve only eaten out in the past several days, and I only eat dinner. Can’t remember the last time I had lunch.

I’m really craving Thai food today and normally my brother and I will get some (he goes inside to pick up, I stay in my car) but he’s going out with his girlfriend tonight. Think I’ll just stay home and not eat. Can’t convince myself to go out, get food, come back. Why? Literally what’s the point? I’ll just be hungry again later. I hardly eat so I’m hungry all the time, I end up eating a shit ton like a fat fuck and feeling bad about myself after. So then I spend the rest of my time hungry to make up for it. Literally a never ending fucking cycle of hating myself, hating food, hating life, hating money, everything.