i hardly even know how to say it, i just want to feel okay again. i've always had pretty bad anxiety, but in the last few months it's really ramped up. i'm anxious about everything now. i'm scared that i'll forget things, i'm scared that i'll forget memories and time, i'm scared that i'm dreaming, i'm scared that i'll experience depersonalization, i'm scared of sleeping, i'm scared of social interaction, i'm just so scared. it feels like i'm scared of everything, and i probably am.

i'm scared i'll feel this way forever, that i'll always be trapped in this purgatory where i know what is making my anxiety worse, but the anxiety itself is too debilitating that i feel like i can't even start to try and get treatment for it. i'm scared i'll always feel like this lonely, scared, 19 year old girl, that i'll never, ever, feel meaningful again. i feel so scared of everything that i don't even register it anymore, and i'm scared that i'll never be able to register my emotions again.

all i want to do is lay in bed and cry, or let the ground cover me, or...i don't know. i don't know anymore, and i wish i did