i have high functioning bpd and it makes things so fucking hard because to everyone around me thinks im okay. i get shit done, always. i plaster a smile on my face and go about my day. when really i cant stop thinking about suicide. i think about it the whole day. ill have good moments throughout each days but i always go back to the dump in my mind. i called the suicide hotline last night but it didnt really do much, i woke up still wanting to die. i have no one. 
i don't necessarily have a plan for suicide, but its always in the back of my mind. i can imagine what id look like dead 
and the aftermath of it all. its scary sometimes.

im 18 and live with my parents who caused all my trauma. i dont trust anyone, i have no friends, family, siblings, online friends to talk to, where i can really let my guard down. ive been suicidal since i was 13 or 14 and i told my mom and she responded terrible, i thought i could trust her and that she would help me but she didnt so ive bottled up everything and kept it to myself ever since. i was doing better when i was younger than i am now bc i didn't realize what i went thru was sexual, physical, emotional abuse. 

i didn't realize how much the trauma affected all my relationships. i havent had a stable relationship EVER. i cant think of one. its constant love/hate with everyone, so i just isolate so i dont have to deal with it. my tiggers just keep getting more and more too, there's certain things i cant see or think about without it ruining my whole day. it hurts sm. not only have i never had consistent love and care, but i hate myself, i dont know who tf i am. i never have. ive moved around sm, ive just picked up and put on the personality of people around me, ive shifted and molded to be the person people want me to be and now i look in the mirror and dont recognize myself. 

my fear of abandonment is really a big weight on my shoulders. i dont form new relationships bc ik theyre just gonna end and ill be hurt again. i keep everyone at an arms reach so i dont get hurt. no ones ever there for me anyways. and i dont want to burden ppl with my problems when everyone has their own yk? 

it also sucks realizing all this stuff, im very self aware and ik that im thinking a certain way but i cant seem to stop. 

i really just feel so tired of hiding this part of me. i want someone to be there for me. listen to me, tell me its gonna be okay and that theyll always be there and that im not alone. cus i feel so alone.