High functioning BPD with introverted tendencies and depression. Naturally I'm calm right now and feel hollow that I'm reaching out.

- Throwaway because I'm not ready to be here at 100%.

My husband will be home late tonight/tomorrow morning's am. I've always been "moody" growing up, quick to anger and temperamental, and yet knew I was cute and innocent looking so I could get away with things and get my way often. I only became diagnosed after my husband joined the military. It was a tailspin of rage, sorrow, depression, empty feelings. First, I knew I couldn't handle long distance things and I knew for sure as hell I could never do military. Besides that I'd been with him since high school, together for two years he *was mine*, and now he was *leaving me*. I wrote a few I'm leaving you letters in basic that I destroyed, I knew it wasn't what I wanted I just wanted to make him feel how sad I was. We then talked about marriage and how I'd live with him but life happens and now we can't and won't be until he's discharged. Pure rage ensues, he lied to me, he said all those things to keep me here, he probably never even looked into me moving with him. Somehow we don't break up, but he tells me something's wrong and I go see a psychiatrist. I'm not on medication or in therapy, not ready yet because aside from the occasional day I feel I can do it all on my own with his support. I'm pretty calm or hollow majority of the days, I think. We get married, and I love him I swear I do but I feel like I fucked up. I can't say we'd be happier if we'd broken up before basic, I always knew I couldn't handle it as well as he'd needed but I couldn't stand "giving up" more. I know time will be over before we know it, so I wait.

But to the point my husband wants to spend the first night with me at his family's house. Then he wants to spend time with his family tomorrow. Afterwards we'll retreat to our own hotel and be alone for 2 days. Sounds normal, sounds reasonable but it triggered an anger in me. I'm aware I'm treating him like an object that is mine, so I've kept it to myself an put on a happy excited face and am trying to  stop seeing him as a possession. Though my two "ok" texts tipped him off I wasn't actually ok. Slide past that, have him convinced I'm fine with the plan and I'm actually ok. But I'm angry again. After this leave I'll have only seen him for 30 days of this 365 day year. Why does he want to spend that precious time with them? Why does he not want to be alone with me? He does this thing too where I get left alone when there's a lot of family around. He goes and mingles and I sit awkwardly alone trying to explain to some curious family members that I don't have a life plan but I'm trying, which I'm sure to them sounds like Hey I'm lazy and unsuccessful in my pursuits. I've explained to him numerous time that I hate that, being alone with strangers only he knows. So he'll most likely be talking with his parents for hours and I'll be sitting in the back jut waiting to be alone with him let alone have his attention again. I get along with his family but I want to be alone with him right away. We have such little time together and I won't see him again until THIS TIME NEXT YEAR. I hate that I couldn't have just left when I had the chance, but I don't want to leave. I know when I see him in person I'll be the last to hug him because his sisters and parents jump first, always have. I feel like I'm just here because I am. 

Help me not destroy my marriage and calm myself down. Very unhappy, very angry right now for no reason I know.