I have a hard time creating a stable image of what I would like out of my life or who I want to be. 

Now it’s time for me to start college, after taking a gap year to help improve my mental health and think about what I want to do. It seems though, the longer I wait, the more unsure I am becoming about what I need to do, what I want to do, etc. And I’m extremely scared that I’m going to fail. But I’m also scared that if I don’t try I will lose everyone in my life because most people are already upset that I haven’t started school yet. 

It seems as if I have a lot of obstacles. I’m trying to be honest with myself &amp; work around or get assistance with them. The main one is my mental health. My family doesn’t think there’s anything legitimately wrong with me so they refuse to get me psychiatric help. We couldn’t afford it even if they wanted to send me to therapy. 

I know the sooner I can improve my mental health and create a life for myself I can get away from my toxic parents, pay for my own treatment, etc. 

I just don’t know what to do. Every few weeks I have a new idea of what I should pursue. I always thought I would love to go into some sort of social work or counseling. I want to help kids of all backgrounds and be a positive example for them. But I can’t afford to go to school for a long time and I really don’t want to begin a career like that while I’m still battling my own issues. It’s like everything I think of, I have doubts. 

I don’t want to let people down. I don’t know who I want to be. I need help but I feel like nobody is listening to me or willing to meet me halfway. 

If you need background info- i’m 18, female, shown symptoms of BPD for 9 years, multiple doctors have told me they suspect I have it and ‘diagnosed’ me with ‘borderline traits’.  I haven’t been able to receive psychological help since I was 16 because of my parents. I have improved quite a bit since then (I don’t self harm much anymore or attempt) but I struggle a lot. 

I feel so lost, any insight would be nice. I hope everyone reading this is well.