title says it all. i'm tired of having to live to work and work to live. i'm tired of all these fucking mental illnesses that i have to deal with, which branches out to so many other things i'm tired of dealing with every fucking day. i'm tired of not being able to keep friends, make friends, or hell even be a friend. i feel like i am too mentally fucked up to not be by myself, but i am mostly used to being by myself. i live a sad life and i seriously don't know how much more of this i can take

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i just lost a friend because i had a meltdown the other day and yelled at them. i was tired of their shit. i had a ling and frustratingly overwhelming day. i couldn't control it, i barely even realized it happened until it was over. i apologized, but now the friendship is officially over. i don't blame them, i'm hard to love. i'm hard to understand. i don't get it but at the same time i don't even love or understand myself. i don't have any friends anymore. it's not like it's something new. why did my parents never notice i didn't have any friends? i barely hung out with people, and i seriously doubt that they actually wanted me there in the first place.

i hate listening to other people laugh and have fun without me. why can't that be me? why has that never been me? what does joy even feel like? happiness? i don't remember. i don't even know if i actually felt true and pure joy. my life has always been so sad.

i have so much going on all the time with me. i feel like i can never catch a break. i'm torn between wanting to start completely over and wanting to end it all. i'm tired of struggling to live. i'm so tired and overwhelmed all the fucking time.

i don't know. i feel like i'm unable to feel certain ways, and i'm only able to be anxious, or angry, or overwhelmed, or tired. i can get sad but i can't even really cry anymore. it fucking sucks. i want to at least be able to cry!!! i don't know what to do, i feel like there really isn't anything worth living for. at least that i care about. i feel like i have no one and the saddest thing is i've felt like i had no one before this all even happened.