I can’t even collect myself to post this completely so some parts might not make sense

I had a bpd attack (?) for the first time around a new partner and I feel extremely guilty and suicidal over it. I randomly started crying because I was upset and jealous about her talking to this girl from work I don’t like who gave her her number because she’s interested in her. I don’t feel right about it but I feel like I’m being a bitch by acting like that, because we aren’t even formally in a relationship, we’re just fucking each other, but have the same level of emotional intimacy two people in a relationship have. I just have crazy attachment issues and I’m scared of her actually becoming interested in this girl and leaving me. Right now i’m pretty dependant on her. I was homeless before I met her and now I’m renting from her mother who she still occasionally visits. And we’re with each other 24/7. I’m her emotional support and she’s mine. We work together too, we work at the same factory and we see each other every day. I know this level of dependency isn’t normal and I’m trying to get a new place but I’m going to have to wait for 3 months before I have that money, so I’m just stuck. I really do love her and I like her as a person and I don’t hold it against her for reacting when I have panic attacks. It’s been really good most of the time but tonight I lost it and started crying for 4 hours and I couldn’t talk to her about it so she got mad and confronted with me with my behaviour. Then in my fucked up mental state i just kept pushing and pushing it and talking about how much i want to kill myself and Basically all this toxic shit. It was like a mental break or something, I don’t know, I’m really not good, i’ve has now 5 ex partners sexually assault me now, and the trauma of it is making me act so depressed and crazy. I want to say something or do something so we can get over this, we were both so drained and upset by the end of it, I feel like she hates me now and i know she says she doesn’t but i can’t shake the feeling that everything is ruined now and she won’t care about me anymore now that she knows i’m this mentally ill. usually we are so loving and kind to each other this experience has me shook. i know i need help but i don’t know what to do. and i don’t want to break up with her, i really do love her :( and we have a great relationship usually just not today and it’s got me so anxious 

how do i regulate the guilting bullshit
how do i know when i’m over reacting or when i’m neglecting my feelings (i cycle between)
how do i move on if this doesn’t work out because i have a feeling this was a major event in our relationship and i don’t want to be broken after but ive just been hurt so many times and i’ve never loved anyone like this 
how can i speak about my feelings accurately without eggasgerating (i don’t know how to spell that)
i want to be an adult about this and talk to her about it without the self inflicting behaviour but it just slips out. i literally can’t control it i feel like all the shit i’ve been through has hard wired me to hate myself and talk down on myself, it’s like survivors guilt or something. i want to take accountability without acting like this: normally i just apologize over and over again and it annoys her because i apologize constantly
but i don’t know what else to do i feel inherent shame in my existence 

thanks 