

Living with Bpd and being with a toxic boy.

People that don’t know my side of the story and only his, supposedly hate me? For what exactly?? Here we go... we started out as fwb because I was pretty low in myself and he said it would help my confidence 😂 yeah I know I’m fucking stupid! It went on for a few months, me basically feeling used and him not caring. I had enough and went to leave, he said I could be his gf but you know only temporary because he’s supposed to be moving. I accepted that because my bpd makes me think it’s what I deserve and he knew this as well. He knew he had me and used it to his advantage. We planned a bday weekend and then he decided to go see his friends instead (all girls) and spend it with them, he came back the day of my bday and had sex with me, fell asleep, went to work and then that was it. I again accepted it.. he continued to make me feel like I’m less of a person than him by being emotionally distant with me. Having borderline personality disorder your fear is basically being abandoned and not feeling good enough, once again he knew this and he still used it. One day he had gone away out of town again with his gfs and ignored me, head fucked me more and more and I just lost it, I did text him telling him to fuck off and he was a piece of shit. I took some benzos that night and just wanted to die, the next morning I was still so high on pills, preceded to take more, I cut myself badly and planned to cut my other wrist at the park and have him come and see me dead. Yes that’s fucking horrible of me but I wasn’t in the right mind to think about other people’s feelings. All I wanted was the pain to stop. I fucked up and lost my razer blade over there.. so much is still a blur but he did come to the park and high on drugs and a cut wrist I “seduced” him he told me, and he decided it was a good idea to fuck me on a park bench in broad daylight to a suicidal person who knew no better. Yes I am to blame in all of this, I should have stayed away, Bpd makes you think you’re addicted to that person and they literally are like crack to you, I wish I fought that harder. It’s nearly been a year and for some reason all I can think about is this still. Everyone at work knew about this since we both shared a workplace. My boss knew what happened that day.. what did he get? A promotion! What did I get? Just more pain and suffering of having to go back to that toxic atmosphere to pay my bills. We did get back together after two months because once again I DRANK DUMB BITCH JUICE. He dumped me twice more because I was too hard to handle, because ya know being told you’re just temporary and nothing long term and refusing to make it known you exist to all your gfs wasn’t enough to deal with Right? Now it’s been 7/8 months since we officially broke up, I’m still broken and scared to ever date again. He’s out there most likely trying it on every girl pretending to be the friendly guy with advice and buy girls things because he really isn’t that attractive to most other girls. He will or has eventually suckered some poor girl into his web and I hope she is smarter than I was. Emotional abuse is no joke, don’t let the JOKER turn you into his Harley Quinn and control and manipulate you to the point of craziness.