I'm going through a difficult period right now and my anxiety... God, this is very hard

but besides the fear of death due to my illness, something else worries me. the feeling that I need to constantly check if I'm in the right place and control my mind, otherwise my brain will just turn off. it's so exhausting. images in my head that I still couldn't follow and stuff like that.

I get distracted by something, and when I focus again, I experience a mixture of joy and panic. joy because I'm still there and panic because I allowed myself to be distracted.

yes, the fear of death is hard, but the fear that I will pass out and not notice makes life even more difficult...

I feel like no one understands me. I don't seem to understand myself.

has anyone experienced this?