I practically worshiped you. You were my role-model. Nothing could stop you from doing what you love, and that made me love you. When you spoke, I heard the Truth, and you made me feel heard, supported, loved, even. And I thought that because I knew you were human, that you had faults, that you couldn't disappoint me or hurt me as long as you stayed nothing more than a far-away object of my affections. I thought that because I knew you could do and have done bad that it made you relatable, and it made me believe maybe I could go somewhere with the dark thoughts that plague me as they seemed to you.

&amp;#x200B;

But I have learned that we are not similar. That you are bad past the point of just having had some tough breaks. And now I question everything. You were a planet in the solar system of my mind for so long. But it turns out you're much closer to the reasons why I have the dark thoughts I do. We all know Evan is talking about you. And I've seen enough of her work to know that speech is not an act. I've felt her fear before. And the worst part is knowing how easily that could've been me, that I would have done the same things she did. That I would've carried that with me for almost a decade before letting it out. I already have.

&amp;#x200B;

Where your voice once provided comfort, it now only makes me nauseous. But how do you just let go of the soundtrack to over half your life? My friends just say to separate your from your music, and to stop supporting further work, but it was never just about the music... It was about your intelligence,  your perspective, your overall work as a multi-talent artist in all forms. The way you held yourself, always outclassing a rude interviewer and calmly preaching love and acceptance. But knowing how you are without cameras or fans, I know now it was always a ploy. A trap. A way to gain control. 

&amp;#x200B;

But if this is who you are, and you've always been my role-model... then who am I?