I have been struggling with this for so long and I just want to know if anybody has had a similar experience because I feel like I am alone in some kind of anomaly. Growing up I was diagnosed with CPTSD, ADD, and generalized anxiety I was working through my trauma with a psychologist I have been seeing for 10 years and had a lot of healthy coping skills and was great at using them. My ADD was eventually medicated and I excelled in my classes and my anxiety was almost completely treated. I was ambitious and motivated to a fault and had a fantastic social life.

However, about two years ago I started to experience very rapid personality changes which caused major conflicts in my relationships. I would go from one state of being extremely angry with everyone I knew and would lash out in petty ways, but then realize what I had done and become confused why I would do this. This led to a giant incident in my sorority which caused all my friends to take action against me. The changes to my personality, behaviour, and thinking was so intense I became severely suicidal.

Since then I have been diagnosed with borderline, dependent personality disorder, recurrent brief depressive disorder, adjustment disorder, and OCD over the course of two years. I have had three hospitalization within a year, upwards of 25 ER visits, and more than 20 suicide attempts. Incidentally on one of my hospital stays they did a CT scan and found a giant brain cyst. It appears benign, however it displaces close to half of my brain with most of its mass effect on my frontal and temporal lobes. I was happy and horrified because, on one hand, I thought that there was now an explanation to why I was acting the way I was, and on the other hand, I lost everyone I loved because of something I couldn't control. However, doctors still argue amongst themselves as to how important the cyst is. Every neurologist and neurosurgeon I see says that I am completely fine from a neurological perspective, despite having half the space in my head filled with fluid. I have seen close to 15 psychiatrists in this time and none of them have been able to explain to me what is happening. No medication I take works, even ones that I have taken in the past that worked fantastic. I've been rejected from DBT for no other reason than they think individual therapy will be better for me. My psychologist is even more confused because I have been seeing them for 10 years and they never saw these changed developing and they don't even agree with the diagnosis of BPD, but they won't do that oh so important individualized therapy with me because they think the cyst is just going to undo any work she does.

Because of this lack of treatment my BPD just gets worse. The suicidal ideation hasn't budged even a bit over the years and I hate everyone around me because I take anything as a sign they are going to abandon me, which makes the ideation worse. I've developed a favourite person which I find to be the worst to deal with because until I found them I had only ever hated people but now I feel like I am being torn apart because of how much I love and hate them. They are one of the main reasons I want to kill myself but at the same time they are the first thing ever that I have to live for. I thought I was actually going crazy with how much I was obsessed with them until I stumbled across the broader BPD community. I'm either completely apathetic or my emotions are so intense I become an immediate danger to myself. When I notice that I am about to act on something I go to the ER but they don't do anything and just keep me there until they think I have "calmed down" but I don't calm down, I just become focused on whatever I might be planning. Recently a psychiatrist in the ER realized that the only thing they could do was prescribe me a medication to sedate myself all day. Not surprisingly, the medication didn't work.

I'm now doing ECT and it is too early in the treatment process to have an effect but I'm not optimistic. I'm more scared that it is going to work because I've been depressed and emotionally unstable for so long that anything else scares me. I can't remember the person I used to be and my mental illness feels like it has just become who I am. I know the ECT won't fix everything and make me who I was again, but even being happy just for a little bit makes me physically uncomfortable. I feel too far gone and like I am just some mentally ill anomaly.

I see a neurosurgeon again in a month or two and my psychiatrist wants to see if brain surgery can be an option since he doesn't know what to do anymore. I know with the size of my cyst the surgery would be dangerous but I really don't care if I die on the operating table, because that, nothing changing at all, and actually feeling like a human being for once and not 8 mental illnesses trying to work together to pretend to be a person are my options.

I know this post is long and that half of it isn't even focused on BPD, but it is my primary diagnosis and things get very messy with comorbidities. I'm just hoping at least one person has felt like they have fallen through the cracks as much as I have.