I was diagnosed with BPD in 2011 at UAB's psychiatric ward.  At the time, I was hospitalized for my latest suicide attempt.  Since that time, I have not attempted again.  I frequently think about it, but have not yet developed a plan, etc.  That time was my 3rd hospitalization and the last until now.  That sentence is confusing.  I am not currently hospitalized...obviously.  I'm typing this.  

&amp;#x200B;

Last Friday, September 6th, I was also diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (Aspergers).  I had been working with my psychologist for weeks doing testing and giving my full background, etc.  I have been with the same therapist for 2 years now and back on medication for 1 year after I said I would never take them again.  This is the single most stable time in my psychological health I've had in my entire life.  

&amp;#x200B;

When I was younger, I would get so restless and fed up with the constant need to up and down on the medication and switch out and add and subtract.  I never opened up to any of my therapists.  I was living a total lie in every sense of the word.  I didn't know who the fuck I was.  I still don't.  I'm 33.  I guess that's normal though.  It doesn't feel normal when in my head, I'm 63 with 50 years of life experience.  Heh.  

&amp;#x200B;

Among the Autism and BPD diagnoses, I have OCD and severe anxiety and depression.  I realize that most people in my experience, do not like labels.  However, to me, labels help me to understand.  If I have a word or label, I can research that and gain insight into myself and others based on that research.  It's how I learn and understand things.  Labels don't define me, but help me better learn to understand myself.  

&amp;#x200B;

I am a lesbian.  I'm gender queer.  I hate the top half of my body.  I'm confused by society's 'gender norms' and how they have impacted me. 

&amp;#x200B;

 I'm married.  We've been together 7 1/2 years, married 4 1/2.  Crazy, right?  What BPD person has a stable relationship???!?!?  Well, not me for 29 years of my life.  It has been a process, but over the past almost 8 years with the help of my wife, my life along with all the baggage has become much more stabilized.  It wasn't like that in the beginning though.  I did everything in my power and pulled out every trick in the book to push her away and test her devotion to me.  At the time we met, she lived in a different state, so when she would leave, I became a basket case fearing she wouldn't return.  Sometimes I still test her, but I don't realize I"m doing it.  She normally calls me out on it and tells me what I'm doing.  At first I deny it and then realize that is indeed what is happening.  It's fucking nuts to want love and affection so damn bad, but literally push it away and deny it as hard as you can all while feeling like the worst person on the planet.  Constant guilt.  Constant want for love.  Constant need for independence.  She tells me I'm like a cat.  I tempt her to pet me, but then I hiss and scratch and bite when she tries to get close.  Figuratively speaking only...  

&amp;#x200B;

Fact is, I don't know how to be loved and let someone love me because I was never given that as a child.  My mother 'loved' me, but it was out of obligation.  It was her 'job' because I was her child.  She didn't support and love me unconditionally.  I came out at 19 and the family I had known all my life completely changed over night.  And since that time they have never come around.  Mom's dead now.  She died of cervical cancer in November of 2015.  I never got an apology for anything she ever did to me, the guilt that was placed on me or the conditional love that I was given.  And now, I'll never get it at all.  

&amp;#x200B;

Anyway, I just wanted a bunch of strangers to know a small piece of my story.  I don't know why.  I guess it feels better to get it out.  Thanks for reading if you did.