Two months ago, I was in a facility on suicide watch due to a mental health crisis that happened. As a bit of background, I have Bipolar II, ADHD, moderate to high Anxiety, and PTSD(docs also recently think I may have OCD). They had put me on a few medications and have jumped around with them since them trying to find the right combination.

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Truth be told, even taking meds is difficult. No matter how much I want to form a habit, it seems impossible to do so. It is so easy for me to end up dissociating(I say as I have done so twice up to this point since starting) or just not being able to get out of bed. Environmental and situational factors have also contributed to my decline and while I want to change for the better, my skills are rather lacking.

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I(M27) didn't think I'd make it to 18, much less 27. I haven't exactly been "living" this whole time. More like "existing"... and even then, it feels like a stretch to say. So much time lost. So many huge gaps in my memory. Taking care of myself is a constant struggle, even when I want to. I lost my job just before being admitted to that facility, and haven't been able to hold one down since. I just have panic attacks and get too overwhelmed to deal with work. It's at the point where I'm unsure if I'm going ever going to be a normal, functioning member of society. 

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I'm almost at the point where my savings have dried completely. I've accepted help from my family, both emotionally and financially(with protest. It makes me feel like an even bigger piece of shit). I can't continue like this with no job, but it's like I can't seem to get one until my mental state is in a better place. I can't afford to keep getting my treatment without some form of income. I honestly am starting to feel worse than when I first went into the crisis center. It's not so much that I want to die, but more like I don't want to live like this anymore.