I know it's not something to celebrate, but recently I found myself reflecting on this last decade, and how far I've come. 

It's not that I want to brag, more like I feel I need to be proud of myself. Because there are still days I feel like complete shit, and maybe acknowledging that I've learned to live with this disorder can put things into perspective.

10 years ago I was a mess. A 20 year old jobless drug addict that tried to ease the pain in every shitty way he could. I was helpless. I didn't understood who I was, what I was feeling, and how I could ever overcome it. 

I went into rehab, then therapy, took some meds for a bit. And learned to know myself, to accept my limits, and to experience life my own way.

It has not been easy. For some years I shut every emotion out by overanalyzing it the minute I felt something, which made me extremely numb. But hey, it helped me not to kill myself, and stay off drugs, so it kinda worked. I managed to get a degree, then a master's, a stimulating job, managed to make some incredible friends, too, along the way.

These last months, I tried letting myself "feel" more, meaning if I want to cry in the shower for half an hour because I feel like my Grindr date doesn't want to hookup, well I'm gonna do just that and not try to reason myself. I'm a grown man, I can do whatever the fuck I want. And it works. I actually like crying, and being angry, and be way too excited for something, because I don't have to fear it'll lead me somewhere dark anymore.

There are things I still struggle with, and I may struggle with them for the rest of my life. But that's ok. It really is, and it feels really great to be able to say that, and mean it as well.  

I don't want this to be a long post, so I'm cutting it here. I just wanted to share this with people who understand how hard it can get at times, and tell people it can definitely get better. 
