I feel like everything I've ever done has just been so fucking stupid and i feel out of control of my own body to the point that it feels physically uncomfortable to do anything in it. I feel like i don't deserve to take care of my body. I feel like i don't deserve love or kindness. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I spend lots of time thinking about just killing myself. But then i remember i truly fear death and the not knowing what comes next so i don't do it. Recently i self harmed for the first time in awhile and i remember the regret afterwards but now that it's healed all i want to do is cut again but hopefully that feeling will subside if i lay in bed long enough and far enough away from my blades. I think about dropping out of college every day. And every day feels more and more like a mistake. I only have 2 classes a week. I'm on campus 12 hours a week. And I don't have a job bc my dad is fixing my car. I don't do anything 5 days out of the week. And everyone tells me how lucky i am right now. I'm supposed to be doing great! But how do i tell them I'm drowning in my own thoughts. I become more agoraphobic as the days go by and socializing with literally anybody has become agonizing. I can't even find validation from my FP anymore, sometimes it just seems like he doesn't care, but i know he does, he's just so tired and busy that he just can't, and I can't blame him, i understand, i just wish he would tell me I'm gonna be okay despite my brain. I just feel so unbelievably stupid because if I can't be at least sort of happy with the way things are right now, will i ever fucking be happy? If I can't make myself happy will i ever at least be okay with waking up every day? I'm so depressed and i hate myself so much and i don't know why I'm doing any of this.