I constantly feel guilty.
Well not constantly, but when I start, it's almost impossible to stop and goes on for months.

I feel guilty for not being a good daughter, my parents both suffer from mental illnesses (OCD and generalised Anxiety Disorder) and a broken marriage. Since the age of 5-6 years, they used me as a personal therapist and mediator, to the point where my mother would verbally abuse me just to get my dad's attention. 

After she was done, 
She would buy me junk food and smother me with kisses and hugs "to make up for it". They even pressured me a lot to excel at academics, which I did, but never felt like what I had was enough. she even discussed their sex life with me when I was just 12.

 All that, took a toll on me, and one day when I was 16, my mother ran away from home and I broke down completely, I thought that I had lost her, she returned after 2-3 hours and I spat on her and told her I hated her.

The guilt of doing that haunted me for one whole year, and I couldn't forgive myself even though she forgave me and we fixed our relationship a lot.

Then after a year of that I got into medical school at 17, I felt a little better about myself, but then I started dating, and went on a date with my long time crush,  and after the date was over, he called me and ridiculed me for my dressing sense, hair, make up and body. My self esteem was devasted after that.

I felt so so so unworthy all over again. I felt like no one could ever like me because I was too ugly.

Then that same guy, who I still continued to be friends with, for some reason, set me up with his best friend. His best friend I were both not conventionally attractive, so I felt comfortable dating him. Within 2 weeks we 'fell in love' and got into a committed relationship. I was 18 years old at that time.

We had some bumps in the road of our relationship. For example, the first time we had sex, I got super emotional and told him I'd love to marry him and he replied with "but first lose weight". He apologized for it later but justified what he said by saying "I have a fantasy of lifting you, that's why I want you to lose weight"

I started feeling even more worthless, but I continued to date him, because the same day she shamed my body, he had also got me a lovely handwritten card.
This erratic pattern of affection alternating with abuse that I had experienced in my childhood was something I experienced with him too. I wouldn't say he was abusive, I still believe he was an amazing boyfriend, but my insecurities were triggered by him at various points and I couldn't help but cry, and fight with him and be a 'possessive and obsessive toxic girlfriend'. 

I shat my pants when he wanted to go to a strip club and went ballistic on him, the same thing happened when he said he liked the idea of open relationships and then again when he said he didn't love me when he actually said 'i love you' and actually started loving me later. 

At one point, he said a particular actress was "the perfect girl" and I lost my shit and did crazy stuff like making my WhatsApp display picture that actress' photo and cried and got angry. I said I wanted to leave him and He got a panic attack that night, while we were on the call and I felt sooo guilty. 

I had a habit of making him cards/videos/writing poems for him after every fight to make him feel better because he had a habit of staying angry for days and it was my responsibility all the time to make him emotional and get him back to me.
And I felt guilty after every fight and I felt like it should apologise for everything I did all the time
 
We had too many fights, on various subjects and I am too tired to list them out. We grew tired of each other and broke up 7 months ago just a few weeks after I turned 20. 

I begged him to take me back, but he blocked me and said that he broke up with me because i am  "too sensitive and would fight at the littlest of things and he doesn't want to be with someone with whom he can't be his true self"

Since that day, I have cried every day, I'm crying right now as I write this down. I have taken therapy and done everything people suggest. But I can't get over the guilt of giving the love of my life a panic attack
I loved him a lot.

I thought we'd be together forever, I really wanted to make him happy, I wrote about 10 poems for him, made 10s of powerpoint presentations for him, just to appreciate him. I tired to be the best girlfriend ever and make up for my ugliness with my love. But I failed

I failed hard, I unintentionally became a controlling, obsessive and possessive crazy girlfriend who drove a good man away 
Now I'm back where I was in summer of 2017
Feeling guilty, worthless and like an ultimate loser.