I just need to write. Not sure I an do it coherently. It's funny that one needs support the most when one cannot even express oneself. But this is how it is.

I'm periodically "deleting" the BPD label from my life and head and then somehow I feel it comes back in a way or another. I have months, years when I don't even think about BPD then bang, symptoms are back. Still thinking maybe it's not BPD, I'm just a lonely alien anyway having symptoms look like BPD.

So I'm back again, it usually happens after break-ups, but not immediately. Now I ended a 4 month relationship (felt longer than it sounds) which showed much promise but then it went down slowly. I don't tolerate verbal and emotional abuse anymore so I ended it quite abruptly. After that I felt good and free (and paranoid and unsafe) for about a month but I enjoyed that I didn't have to feel worried every evening that if I don't text him he will get mad at me. But now the loneliness is starting to get suffocating.

I like to tell myself that this is not true, but seems like my self of self is starting to painfully disintegrate if I'm not in a close connection with someone. I am the biggest "freedom-fighter" but my freedom is also my death in a way. So I feel lost again, who am I, I don't exist....But I don't want relationship-suffocation either. I want to be me. But does that me actually exist, is it able to exist without being attached to someone else? And lately in my isolation it can be watching an hour long Youtube video and I have a new identity.  Will I ever be able to exist as me?

Initially I wanted to write about something else, but when I start writing I never know what will come out of it...

I hope someone will read this...somehow I have this need to be seen.