  \*\*\*WARNING\*\*\* Taboo topic, might be disturbing (bodily functions &amp; excrement).

This will be a long post… I really hope for advice and understanding. I don’t know how to explain my behavior and obsession. I am here with hopes to eliminate my obsession, not to play with it. I would really appreciate respectful and well-informed advice. I’m having a hard time finding a place to talk about this topic. I will use as general terms as possible. I really wish I could talk to a therapist but I’m too embarrassed to do that right now.

I’m a straight 24F. I have an impulsive interest toward in bodily function. They often arise when I am in negative mental states: tired, depressed, or lonely/being alone. When I’m living my best life and surrounded with friends, family, and school, NONE of this ever happen to me. But right now… I don’t have a job, I’m living by myself, no friends nearby, no boyfriend, full-time online school. Living a little like a hermit right now, waiting for a better chapter of my life to come. 

A quick description of my recent compulsion: 

1. I impulsively look up videos and content featuring female character urgently need to do their bodily functions. Types of characters: FEMALE only, and ANIMATED ONLY, specifically anime (I am repulsed by realistic scenarios). Type of bodily function: defecation, flatulence, urination.

2. After making a firm resolution not to look up those videos anymore... I started recording the sound of my own defecation. I relistened to it once then deleted it right away.

Behavior-wise, this happens 1-2 a week. Thought-wise, almost every day it is in the back of my mind sort of ready to overcome me when I'm feeling down or depressed. It's not consuming me, but it's pretty distressing to me. 

My question is: is this a sexual kink, or is this a non-sexual obsession? Because I have a hard time believing that is is sexual-related. 

I am aware of omorashi and have read up on this topic a bit. Accordingly, the sensation of a full bladder mimics and stimulates sexual arousal. However, I am completely unattracted to the idea of doing that myself, or seeing any real person experiencing that.

I’m also aware of coprophilia. Again, this comes close to describing my abnormal interest, but it’s also considered a sexual kink. As far as I know, didn’t feel turned on or feel sexual pleasure in any way. 

The only thing I know happened was….those videos, I want to hear them again, see them again, and I often think about them. I know nothing about how sexual pleasure might be related to this.

The only other alternative reason I could think of is perhaps that’s my coping mechanism for my shyness and social anxiety? I have a shy bladder and shy bowel. feel self-conscious and cringy trying to suppress bodily functions when in the public. I’m even shy to cough, sneeze, eat, gulp down water,… especially in the presence of guys. I never experienced anything humiliating in public though. But perhaps my fear of embarrassing situations leads me to compulsively observe female characters going through such humiliating events? 

When I was younger (perhaps around 10-11 years old) I used to hold off pooing (even in my own home) just because I was shy. Perhaps I’m reliving those experiences? 

So, is this sexual, or just shyness? If you believe the compulsive thoughts and behaviors are sexual kinks, please tell me why.  Also, why am I obsessed with female character only, not males, even though I’m a girl? 

Thank you so much.