Hey. So 2021 was probably the worst year of my life. 

As 2020 ended, our family was in for quite a change-up. Late in December, we had to rush my dad to the hospital. For around 2 or 3 years now he had been struggling with ALS, a neuro-degenerative disease, and on that day he suddenly couldn’t breathe. He survived just barely, but the end result being he was now dependent on a mechanical ventilator to help him breathe. 

This led to a drastic change in how we lived our lives. Basically, we had 2 homes and my dad with his needed equipment and care had moved to our more spacious home. My mom and sister stayed with him to assist and care for him, while I’m left alone here at our other home. I understand that it’s not an ideal situation for everyone, but goddamn has it led me to drown. 

As a college senior struggling to find my passion and purpose in life, this change was an anchor dragging me down into the darkness and sealing my fate. 

I’m not the type that doesn’t have any friends or anything, but I’ve just never been open to anyone emotionally, even my family. Idk why but that’s just how I’ve always been. I don’t even know if I want others to know how I feel. 

You see 2021 was the year that I was completely and totally swallowed up by darkness and loneliness. It became a year that every night seemed so much longer. The growing emptiness in my chest becoming darker with each passing moon. I hated 2021. It was a year that made me realize the important things in life, but in the worst way possible; by feeling their absence. 

I miss the days when we were one happy and healthy family living under the same roof and giving meaning to the word HOME. I miss the days when I don’t have to go to sleep knowing that I’m all alone in the house and waking up to that same emptiness. I miss being able to rest peacefully at night without the constant feeling of loneliness, the sense of encroaching darkness, and the lush thoughts of sleeping forever. I hate how I can’t do anything but shut up because I don’t wanna be an even greater burden to my family. I hate my life.

Sorry for the messy writing, everyone. I decided to let this out as I can’t fall asleep once again. Goodnight.