26-year-old Asian female going on 27 soon.  I don’t want to work anymore. Truly. I know this seems like a statement that a seemingly “dead beat” or “bum” would make, but the truth is that I’m awfully exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I came from a family of genocide survivors and I believe that a lot of my family members have undiagnosed neurosis. Mental health is stigmatized in the Asian Community, so no one ever tries to put in any stock or provide any empathy for others who have mental pains. 

Personal background: My father was never in the picture since I was born. My step dad was creepy and abusive. My first “true love” tried to k*ll me. I never got to graduate college because of that relationship and I was left incredibly traumatized. I no longer had the attention span or the level of concentration that I had. (He went to jail for attempted murder). 

I still suffer from PTSD, Anxiety, and Depression. I feel like my mother has a lot of pent up resentment towards me because she had me when she was 18 and as I was growing up she expected me to succeed and make something of myself. She had a hard life since her parents (my grandparents) are immigrants and are emotionally stunted due to their own trauma. So my mom was never supported well, either. 

As I was growing up, I wanted to be an artist so badly. I filled up plenty of sketch books every month from the ages of 5-18 years old. My mom said that I wouldn’t be successful becoming an artist. My sense of ambition and purpose disappeared long ago since. 


In theory, I had it easier than my mother, but here I am today, struggling to take care of myself, to hold down a job, to pay my bills. I’m somewhat estranged from my family (my dad’s side isn’t involved in my life at all) and my mom’s side of the family all lives in one house. I don’t have an active support system, so I’m doing my best to rely on myself but it’s so fucking hard. I just want to end it all. I hate feeling like a cog in the machine and I feel like there is no way out. I just got this job that I’m under qualified for, so I can’t even do it right. I don’t have a degree. I went from making coffee to working in corporate offices and it’s really hard to adjust. The imposter syndrome is incredible and I feel like a sinking stone. 

TLDR: You would think that growing up poor and having nothing would help propel you to becoming better and healthier, but I’m failing miserably. I don’t have purpose, direction, insurance, money, or support. 

I would really like to just sleep forever. I am so tired of life.