Ok, I really do not know where to start with this. Perhaps when I first had anxiety. I was 18 and went out on my first drinking session - as an idiot I had no idea what my limit was, but I got really drunk and vomited a lot. A few days later I was at my first day of a college course and was really paranoid about being sick and felt very anxious. This faded, but I soon left college course, and soon gave up on any education - I was up late watching a physics program and it explain how time would one day stop, and that really messed with my mind, how everything would just end. I spent a year staying up late and rarely leaving the house. When I did leave the house, I felt nervous, dizzy and out of control of myself. I felt like I had to be next to a wall, fence, whatever - to hang on to something - I remember hurting my knee falling over when I felt out of control. I eventually overcame this, mostly, just by getting through it on my own - no one knew, I didn't want to tell anyone.

I seemed to cope quite well through my 20s, the only hiccups would be at work where I just felt weird, like I'm aware of everyone looking at me - even though they're not. I even went to with me ex on a plane to Sardinia. 

In my mid thirties I had a few months of feeling awful while working in London - I had just lost a job I loved, close to home, and tax, debts, etc just seemed to play on my mind, like there was no way out. A racing heart, fear of everyone looking at me, fear of collapsing kept happening to me; I'd have to get a taxi to the train station to get away from it. I'd get so uncomfortable travelling on the tube (subway), especially when it would stop halfway - I'd feel so trapped, my vision would just go all wobbly (I know it wasn't, it was panic), and my heart would go so fast I'd feel like I was having a heart attack. I did get over the tube eventually, and a positive to come from this was when I saw this woman who looked so spaced out, I just knew she was not enjoying the tube/subway experience like I had and just said to people on the tube "can you please give up your seat for this girl" - and she looked relieved when she could sit down.

That's a *very* brief history not covering everything. Perhaps it's not fully important. I want to explain how I feel now at times:

1. In open spaces, like beaches, fields, open water, high places, where I'm not close to an edge, I can get into panic mode, I feel very out of control and out of my safe zone. I want to travel - I'd really love to road trip the USA, and when I look at street view, I sometimes feel panic just looking at long empty highways in a desert or crossing a real long bridge over water - what if I get stuck in one of these places.
2. Recently at home alone, I've felt panic build up, and it has overwhelmed me so much. Feeling my heart thud heavily, my arms feel tingly, my body feels generally out of control and having to lie in my bed hugging my pillow. First time I called my ex, just talking about kids, this and that and it passes. Second time, she couldn't answer, and I just had to be realistic with myself and it passed. The third time, I just chucked on some jeans and got out and walked it off. Panic attacks, when you've passed them, just seem silly, but so real when they're happening.
3. If I'm away from home, I can feel unsecure. Or even the thought of being away. The thought of being in another country just feels me with worry. Last month, I did drag myself to the beach on my own - I did get through it, I did have to overcome panic, but I didn't actually panic, and enjoyed my time in the sun.
4. Driving. I'm incredibly nervous. I never drive on the motorway/highways - and I don't like driving on busy roads. I did briefly have a real confidence of motorway driving before COVID, but I've got worse in that confidence than before.

I know this is a lot to unpack, but I want to move on and I don't know how. I have a real desire to explore and be more free, like "normal" people can.

Thanks for any advice.