My heart rate is at 134 bpm lmao. And I'm sitting. I can't tell if my hands are really shaking or not. And I'm either nauseous or hungry but I can't tell which one.

3rd day of quitting smoking for a start. Well I guess it's more like 4 since I just had a dramatic "one last time" smoke in the morning 4 days ago and haven't since then. Terrible timing to quit smoking but I decided I didn't want to be twice as likely to have severe symptoms if I get COVID and it royally freaked me out when I had a COVID scare last week. And I keep failing at quitting so this time I'm going all out making it as inconvenient as possible if I do decide to smoke and so far it has worked.

I'm at peak PMS so that's fun. It always gets me super anxious.

And I've determined that I no longer want to be in this field career wise but can't do anything until there's an opening for the thing I've determined I do want to do. And I just started this job lmao. This was literally my 6th day there and I'm already looking for a way out. I got traumatized out of my last job after my batshit coworker gave me flashbacks 2 weeks in a row almost every day over some fucked up shit.

I've been taking xanax more often lately so I'm trying really hard to avoid it. I hate that I started taking it frequently again but life has been more anxiety provoking. I have a very love hate relationship with the drug. I love that it does what it does when I need it but I fucking hate it when I have to take it. It feels like a defeat. I hate it. Except for insomnia. I never give that a second thought when it gets late enough unless that starts happening too often too. It's been pretty equal night and day I'd say. But so far today I haven't taken it even though I wanted to at lunchtime.

And now I'm overly irritated that I made vague plans to maybe (not even for sure) hang out with the girl I've been seeing this evening and she didn't respond to my texts for an hour and a half before telling me she got distracted by something and can't tonight. I feel like I could have really used something positive to take my mind off feeling shitty.

I'm still slightly sick this week so that's also kind of shitty. I'm sick of feeling like a mucus monster.

I just want to break something. Or throw up. Or just fucking give in and have a xanax and wash it down with brandy. I hate this feeling. It's this weird bad mix of irritability and anxiety.