I’m seeing a therapist about my depression.  It’s going good but she has given me an assignment to do. The assignment is to once a day, every day, to write something I’m thankful for.  

Easy. Hokey-Bullshit Assignment. 

I’ve been doing it to “retrain” my brain from negative self talk.  Ok I get the value.  Well I’m thankful for people, friends and that kind of thing.  

I have a ton of good friends.  Each one has their own life.  Most of them married and now at my age kids.   I’ll admit most of my issues come with being alone.  

My last girlfriend started out as being a friend first. I noticed myself beginning to fall for her, and we had to define the relationship because if she wasn’t in the same place I’d need to pull back.   I confessed my place she said she was near that same area and we started actually dating.  Well.. 

She never acknowledged me on social media nor introduced me to her friends / mother.  Well the relationship ended and she’s with her #foreverman who she had no problem posting pics with or claiming on social media.  

Which makes me believe that she was only using me for advice, friendship and company while the pandemic was at full shutdown.   I think she misses my friendship here and there as I notice her actions observing me from time to time.  I’be basically shutdown from my social media. I feel like a fool for thinking it was something more and each time I see her “interacting” with something I basically fall into a panic attack.  

Anyways.. she was the first one I’ve dated in a long time.  But all of my friends and their families constantly say what a catch I am. How lucky I’ll make some lady..  how I’ll find the right one.  Be patient..  all the while they have someone who gives two fucks if they come home after the end of the day.  All the while they have someone to give them an embrace when life reigns hellfire down upon them.  Someone who they get to be intimate with..  

All the while I get to retrain my gd brain to be thankful and shut down the negative talk.  Which I get is important but damn it, I didn’t get to this point because I’m not a good person.. I got to this point because no one looks at me like a gd life partner.  Be the friend, and lovable adoptive uncle who helps with everything but can’t seem to find a gf who wants to acknowledge me?!  

Like why the f-ck should I retrain my brain and attitude? Be happy with being alone all the while we have lives and you don’t.  Live and pay taxes?