TW SUICIDE 


TW LOSS OF SOMEONE


0.


To who alread read about "my wife dead i feel guilt story" i wrote in the past.


To someone alrealy read my story over and over again: I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. Sorry for reintroduce my situation over and over again. Maybe this is some kind of copimg mechanism or self loathing mental self harm. I don't know. 


If you don't want to read same thing again, please pass this thread or skip to part no.2 



1.


Background Story: About my Ex Wife and Me in the past - I was not a good person to begin with


My Wife died 2 years ago. 2022-June-21 she was one year younger than me. We first met Christmas eve when i was 19.5 years old and i fell in love with her at sight. It was our first Stable Relationship and lasted about 7 years before she passed on.


She was most valuable thing i ever touched with my hand. She got better in some aspect of her mental illnesses like serious social anxiety and ocd

... But that one day, She poisoned herself in a motel without leaving a note or anything.


It was my nightmare came true(i had dreams about the future without her sometimes)


Since we were both suffering with bad cases of mental illnesses and there was impulsive suicide attempt here and there even if we have absolute no issues between us. And we feared to be separated by death.


So some day we made the "Escape Plan", Die together. And it was revealed to be extremely hard to do such thing. So I Buy a certain chemical that have high chance to kill someone when overdosed. For end once and for all together. About 1.5~2 years ago. It stored in cupboard. And when we moved outside of big city, the package also honestly It needed to be go into trashbag but it followed us to our new home. Like a curse that i cast upon myself


The day that everything have fallen, she took the package alongside with her when she go out "for first day of new job" And I was having those one of typical Low energy days and didn't even get out of the room for whole day after saying her "seeyou in the evening".

I just waited her for come back from job. I didn't contact her and just waited even if she is not coming back in time too(i just thought she is doing overtime because mamy places demand such thing to employees)


 And those two are my largest mistake i ever done in my life. Since She left obvious clues that she took the package. She was short so she used stool to get the package from cupboard and leave the scene intact without hiding any trace. Only if i got out of the room and watch the kitchen. It could been prevented. 

Only if i keep contact with her, it could been prevented. At least i could try to calm her down like many times i did before.



Now her being gone, Only Guilt and Regret stayed with me. Guilt and regret for didn't save her from her from temptation of death. Guilt and regret from the fact that i was never been an ideal partner for her that she deserved.


many things come in mind. sometimes i acted childish. Like don't let her listen to favourite songs everytime she want to hear. And I was an asshole to her when our relationship was young. I took advantage of her. Financially and Sexually. I didn't mean to hurt her but i had more fogged and immature mind back then and didn't thought it is a very bad thing before she confronted me and said what i did wrong. And she felt bad. I wanted to kill myself after i realized what i was.


I couldn't say goodbye. She didn't leave any notes. I have feelings that she was despising me for many things while her life was going deemer. Only i can hope is she passed away without pain.


I can't get over her death. I had a serious breakdown due to unfortunate coincidence about music she loved near this year's anniversary of her death. I nearly attempted drink bottles of disinfectant for quick alcohol poisoning.


but my death was "not ready at all"(like make a note, find my birds new caregiver, make sure that let my younger brother to inherit every valuable thing i own. Make sure my body found ASAP and not make sure my filth to be easily disposable, ETC)


and i felt fear that my father will break down and whole family will fall apart and fell into agony all because of me. He once told me he is holding on his life and working hard, enduring pain all because of his sons. 



(And i saw what happens to parents that lost their child in her funeral. The image of crying mother. She Cried for days since she knew her death. And she is also did not overcome her daughter's death. Trapped inside infinite sorrow. It is hauntingly Sad)


I became somewhat exhausted from crying and fighting the memories and arguing with urge to kill myself. I just lie down and did nothing.


After breakdown i didn't even visit Her in Columbarium because i lost all willpower for week and couldn't just have shower and drive for an hour and say hello and goodbye for 5 minutes


(I left sign of Killing myself to some of my friends during breakdown and did not respond to any contacts from them so the next day they called the cops for "suicidal man missing" 


one of my friend said she is my girlfriend to make cops track me. Even local goverment suicide prevention person was came to my house and leave some numbers(and cops were in the background. One of cops were at same age as mine. Huh. 


Anyway It is always others that find any value to live from me even if i feel i'm just a burden to them. I still cannot fully understand why so many people were worried about me and involved into this thing. Some of them still send check message and made me give the address of my house to person who live close to me)



2.


I have New Girlfriend really loves me unconditionally and sincerely But I can't feel the same spark that i felt when my ex wife. even if there is no reason not to.


and i feel really bad about it and feel sorry for her and want to make this relationship work better.


I feel numb about loving someone even if i crawled in loneliness and fear of being alone forever after i lost my wife. I desperately searched for salvation. 


Basically i was in state of


-help me i lost my love that i thought that will be my last and there is very high chance that i will never meet someone who love me ever again. Somebody love me!!! I need someone to make me want to see another day!!-


And then some miracle happened so that somebody appeared. She suffer BPD too so she knows what i felt, or feel. 


But She was too young (almost 10 years younger than me and she may have better future with someone than waste her precious time on me. A fat bastard NEET with not so good overall health including mental health) and she lives in somewhat far from here. 


i don't have enough energy to drive or take train to go there Frequently(i'm lazy bastard) and it must be difficult and tiresome thing for her too. 


so i tried to not get involved with relationship with her. I thought i will hurt her someway somehow and that semi-long distance relationship will also might become problem for such young college girl.


But she refused to take that as excuse for make distance from her. And she said she will bear with all those odds so just love her back.


After some Events, we are in relationship now.


I actually do feel relief that i'm not alone anymore and someone is really in love with me. she is very kind and her soul is pure.  Very Mature for Her age. And Our tastes of many things overlap too(I call that people having similar frequency)


She deeply fears if i die or disappear from her life. 


She wants to like what i like, wants to know and understand everything about me, and she deeply care for me.


she even said she is sorry for not being together on my birthday even if she really don't need to feel that way. And we are not living next door (i don't care about my birthday tho) and i can feel her feeling is genuine. 


I want to love her more but something in my mind is blocking it.


I don't want to lose her.


 And How can i make disappointed or hurt feelings of such a person??? 


I need to be better. I need to be more deep in love.


WTF is my problem??? Is it her body type that makes my shallow inner personality uncomfortable???? 


maybe it's because I didn't overcome my feelings for my ex wife?(she appears in my dream often and i had total breakdown in 20th of june near 2nd anniv. Of her demise -2020 june 21- because of bad coincidence related to some music she loved)


I didn't said "I Love you" directly Because it felt like a lie. A big bad lie to keep her to my side.


I do can imagine future with her. And i told her that instead of i love you. 



--

TL DR


:I met perfet match after 2 years of my wife's Suicide 

She really cares about me and tries to understand me. 

Only she what from me is stay with her forever, don't die, don't go away. 


But something is blocking me to really fell in love with her. 


Is it because my shallow inner incubus don't like her body type? (i think she is cute)

Is it becasue i still love my dead wife? 

Or am i broken? 


How to fell in love deeper?? 