Recently i’ve been thinking about suicide, i have no actual intent to carry it out, i just feel like everything would be better if i didn’t exist. I haven’t cut in a few years but i often bite or punch myself as a way to self harm, I have a razor on my nightstand and I keep thinking about using it but i’m too weak to actually cut, i cant stand the idea of letting down my close friends by cutting, even though they break their promises. 

I keep thinking of the past, past relationships, and the trauma that my exes have caused, I used to be so cheerful and happy but now almost every day i’m tired and drained of any emotion besides sadness, the only other feeling i have is being extremely horny.

I am so young yet so traumatized because of toxic exes who would gaslight me and manipulate me, now when any girl is even remotely nice to me i get so invested and attached in my head. I was crushing on my close friend for a while but i was so scared i’d be rejected so i kept my feelings inside, well now she has a girlfriend so... 

I wish i wasn’t so ugly, shy, and akward, because i’m a genuinely nice guy and i feel like i would connect with a lot of people at my school but im scared of being judged or rejected.

well anyway i just wanted to vent to distract myself from sh urges.