My therapist for the past year has said some pretty demeaning things. I have tried to leave her practice on two occasions, but have been met with “this is not how to handle things in your life that are uncomfortable. This is a good example of your BPD. You leave jobs and relationships that dont suit you.”

I thought, man, maybe she’s right. I’ll stick it out.

So I did, for a year.

She demonized my mom for drinking when I was a child (I’m aware of the damage it has caused) to the point of whenever I brought her up, brought up good moments that felt like real progress, she’d remind me that my mom is “unstable” and it could go wrong any moment. Leaving me feeling like every good moment needed to be met with the anxiety of “when will this suck again”. She gave me no tools and left little room for forgiveness.

Whenever I would get a bruise from walking into something, I was labeled as “careless” for not practicing good self care. As if being clumsy was synonymous with not loving yourself. Whenever I walk into something or trip, I’m reminded of how “careless” I must be and how that coincides with my self worth. 

What made me finally walk out was this.
I was explaining that I felt my boyfriend was being distant. I felt my needs weren’t met.
“What are your NEEDS Kiera?” She said nastily as she made quotations with her hands. “People have so many needs, and they don’t even know what they are, they just want someone to fulfill them” 

Feeling almost forced into saying something to defend myself, I replied. I said felt sometimes like the only one who was willing to voice any issue within the relationship. I felt he had almost “checked out.” 

She then (without apology) said “I’m glad I got that out of you! This is why it’s good to be direct sometimes.” 
Almost trying to turn this into a good thing..

Regardless of the context, what was said to me was out of line.

I am trying to realize that my past habits of leaving uncomfortable situations are not mutually exclusive to wanting to leave her practice. I feel manipulated, and even though I can say I felt she was wrong in how she handled me, a part of me says maybe i’m being defensive. 

Maybe my mom really is a terrible selfish person and I can’t help but continue to helplessly try to pursue a healthy relationship with her; or at least forgive.

Maybe I do leave all things that are uncomfortable and without “valid” reason.

Maybe I am too needy, maybe I need to give myself more and expect less from others.

Maybe I am careless and self destructive. 

I don’t know.