I feel like my life is over and I have nowhere to go
I’m a senior in college and life has slowly gotten better over the years. A certain global pandemic got everyone down and that was the case for me. Academics were a hard and I considered switching majors because I lost interest in what I was studying but really only stayed in to keep my scholarship so that my parents wouldn’t have to pay a hefty amount for my education.

Come senior year and things were starting to look really good. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel and my dreams were finally about to be in my hands. I had an awesome girlfriend who I was friends with for years before we dated. I had a healthy social life and surrounded by good friends.

Then my world got turned upside down. I got a notice about an investigation that was being launched against me for a cheating incident years ago because the students office found it in my records when I was going up for a “what’s in your future” meeting. I lost my scholarship and there was the possibility I could get kicked out of the program I’m in and even my school. My girlfriend and I were going through a stressful period in our relationship because she was worried about things going on in her life so when I vented to her about all that was going on and did it in the wrong way- we split up. She wanted to work on herself and said she wanted to do it because of her, not me. “We’re the right people at the wrong time and maybe we can get back together in the future”, she said. It tore me apart but I had the mentality that I’d get her back and I’d beat this investigation and get back to where I was. 

It’s been 5 months since that. I have focused on academics, working out, getting into hobbies, and all that jazz. I lost 30 pounds and got abs. I started a band with my boys and have been playing in basement concerts. I have managed my time well with school, work, and my social life. Even with all the ambiguity of everything, I was making progress and hoped the future would be bright. But recently I was told that I’m getting kicked out of my program and my realistic dream job and any other job in the industry was being thrown in the trash. On top of that, my ex started dating someone a month or 2 after we broke up and I found that out right around the time I was told my dreams were definitely crushed. 

I don’t know what to do anymore. It seems like I had my life together then all of the sudden something comes up and flips my world around. I didn’t even do anything wrong since the incident which has been almost 3 years ago. I’ve been questioning myself on what I did to deserve all this? Especially when I’m 2 months away from graduation. I had been hoping that my investigation would turn out to be nothing and I could just focus on myself but no. Things will never be the same and that ambitious and happy guy will never come back anytime soon, especially while I’m stuck here in college feeling like a disappointment. I can’t be around my friends in the same way because a lot of them were in my program and my ex is in our friend group. I’ve been haunted these past 5 months and now that I am certain that things will never be the same again, I know that it will continue to haunt me if I’m here. 

I have had really dark thoughts over the months and there was one point a couple months ago where I held a gun in my hand and questioned if I’d ever get to that point. It certainly seems like I’m at the point and if I don’t find a reason to stay here or find a place to run away to, like Alaska, I think I’ll blow my brains out.

Please, give me some advice on what to do. I’ve talked to a therapist and other people but nothing seems to help. I need a plan but I hate how I have to be thinking about this so close to the end of college.