**BIG TW - eating disorder, ending it, agoraphobia**



i can't eat more than one bite of anything per meal otherwise i feel like throwing up/fainting and go into a panic attack. i never get more than like 3 hours of sleep at a time, to the point where my sleep schedule is completely nonexistent. had to drop out of college because i'm terrified of going outside. the thought of leading an average adult life one day makes me gag. i have a dependance on my meds so extreme that i have trouble breathing and am shaking very heavily if i miss even one dose.

if anyone wants a word of advice, i wanna say that it never "gets better", you're just fooling yourself if you keep telling yourself that you're better now than in the past, life is just a constant downhill. it's all about how long you can lie to yourself and keep up the act before you fall apart. don't go outside, don't do anything for anyone, don't work, don't eat anything that tastes more than mild, don't drink anything other than soda and water, get as many prescriptions and take as many pills as you can, because if you plan on staying, you'll need them.

is suicide really the only way out? what should i do to leave this world on a nice note? how do i make it less painful and disappointing for the people around me? thanks guys, hope you all have a great day