im aware that professionals are very hesitant to diagnose teenagers with bpd, but my 18th birthday is coming up very soon and im considering bringing this up to my therapist. i've always wondered whether i've had some sort of mood or personality disorder since i was a young kid; considering that my entire family very likely has undiagnosed + untreated issues of that sort.

[brief mention of CSA and SH]

for some background information, i have very intense trauma relating to CSA from ages as young as 5 up until i was 12, a lot of physical and emotional abuse in my family as well. i've struggled with self harm, substance abuse, hyper-sexuality (and being groomed frequently as a young teen because of it), etc etc. i'm rarely able to keep healthy relationships due to my frequent cycles of emotional outbursts and distancing myself. i've had problems in my romantic relationships where i exist solely for the other person, and feel as if there's nothing else left of me when they're gone. however, when i do have someone who loves me back my brain finds it difficult to not feel anxious and i oftentimes end up self sabotaging the relationship and distance myself from them. i've been forcibly institutionalized because of my self destructive tendencies, and have taken numerous different ssri's as well as prescribed lamictal to treat bipolar like symptoms, (forgive me if i'm not using the correct terminology) despite me only being diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and depression. i also have been struggling with frequent dissociation/derealization since i was incredibly young.

i guess what brings me here is that i'm currently in a long term relationship with someone who i adore, but recently i've found myself to be going back to my same toxic habits that i used to have. stuff like constant outbursts and being unable to control them, i've said so many hurtful things that i'm not proud of to my boyfriend as well as to my close friends. i feel as if i'm doomed to destroy every relationship that i touch and i'll never be able to be healthy. whenever i feel even remotely attacked my brain feels the need to say the most hurtful thing i can think of with no filter. i'm so scared that i'm ruining an otherwise perfectly healthy relationship because i have so many issues. my partner has even told me that if i continue to self harm that they'll have to leave me for my own good.

i just feel so hopeless and stuck. i'm praying that it's just teen angst that'll go away with age, but i'm scared that i'm going to have to live with this for the rest of my life.

i don't necessarily want to be diagnosed by anybody in the responses, just maybe support from people who might understand how i feel and any advice as to how i can improve.