I posted about this earlier today but I don't think anyone saw it. 

About a month ago my fp/bf and I were sitting sharing memories from our lives and talking about things that really had an impact on who we are today. My fp is my first and only but he has a lot more experience than me. I noticed that people seem to gravitate towards him or are intrigued by him and tbh I think he's way more attractive than me. This always made me feel insecure because I think "Of course he's has more relationships than you, he's hot and cool and your a plain-Jane nobody cares enough about to be with". And I blame myself for the fact that I couldn't even get a date until I was 27.

While we were talking he brought up his ex. They were each other's firsts and it seemed like she meant a lot to him. This was years ago, but he started talking about the things that she liked and memorable stories that happened during their relationship. I had always wanted something like that, something sweet and innocent where they helped each other grow into the people they are today. Instead my first experiences with men were being humiliated and rejected by the ones I liked. He then said, "We listened to a lot of music together, but this is the song that reminds me of her the most." It was a song that used to be my favorite song. I could feel myself falling apart inside but instead I smiled and listened to it with him.

It has been a few weeks since then but now that song is a major trigger for me. It brings back those painful memories of being bullied, the jealousy for things I never had, and the sadness of realizing I will never mean as much to my fp as he does to me. He won't ever be telling a future girlfriend about me and how much I meant to him. Instead, he'll be telling those same stories that were most important to him and shaped his life.

I hear this song everywhere now. I live with my cousin and her boyfriend loves this artist. Sometimes I hear him blasting it while he's in the shower and I get triggered so badly. I feel all the blood draining from my face, I get lightheaded, my heart is hammering, I can't breathe, I start crying. Even after it's over i'm left thinking about what he said 24/7. He mentioned that she was a gorgeous tall blonde woman who everyone liked. Now I look in the mirror and hate my brown face my fat body my short wiry hair and I think of how many times I've scared people away.

This is all I think about now. I am thinking about breaking up with my fp just to make it stop. I just can't deal with this anymore.