I'm a 43 year old male married for 23 years.  The last 2 years have been the hardest of my life.  Things really started going off kilter when I tried to stand up for myself in a toxic workplace.  It began to trigger me and cause me to completely shut down.  I felt I had no support and went to my old standby, flirting with customers.  I've never cheated on my wife.    This time I found myself trying to plan a threesome.  I was completely disgusted with myself and told my wife.  She of course was devastated so we went to couples counseling.  The stress of everything caused me to have a emotional breakdown and I had to take time off work.  I was the most depressed I had ever been and began to withdraw and isolate myself.  I began some psychotherapy and realized I had a lot of work ahead of me.  My wife left told me about a year later that she wanted a separation.  She said there was no emotional connection.  She moved out and 3 hours later texted me saying she was going to go live half way across the country with a guy she knew from highschool and started taking to on Facebook a year ago.  She left me a note saying to move on and how great I was and that I'll find someone else.  As soon as she arrived at buddies place he was verbally abusive and a drunken mess.  After putting up with drunken tirades for a couple weeks, I convinced her to leave him fearing he would hurt her.  She came back and didn't want to stay with her parents.  I couldn't deal with her abandoning me so I couldn't take her back at my house. So she moved back with buddy.  Each time she travelled it took 3 days because she went by train.  During the time she was gone I thought I was making a connection with a 23 year old coworker (yes I realize the 20 year age difference) .  We had similar mental health issues and traumas.  She told me her traumas first and then kept pressuring me until I told her mine....and everything else about me.  I thought we had a connection.  There was physical attraction, we spent all our time talking but anytime I'd move towards her, she would shy away.  I only kissed her once and had to ask.  It wasn't long before my coworker started saying she didn't want a relationship and she's moving away in spring to which I said I was fine with.  She then described our friendship as one sided.  She became very passive aggressive.  She was also telling everyone at work that she had feelings for me.  Around this time my wife tells me that buddy sexually assaulted her so of course I tell her she can come back and stay at my place.  As soon as my coworker found out, she said she basically quit and said she never wanted to talk to me.  I kept begging her to keep the friendship and eventually I realized it was futile.  My wife has now told me that she was convinced by "everybody else" that I was cheating on her and that's why she wanted the separation.  While still trying to sort my thoughts out our "anniversary" came up and we decided we were "back together".  Shortly after I stopped talking to my coworker and started really contemplating everything.  I felt betrayed, used and abandoned.  My sense of trust is destroyed.  I've begun to constantly think of suicide.  I started taking meds but they didn't work.  I'm currently switching and had side effects.  I keep telling myself one more day or the meds will work soon.  I have destroyed every family relation and friendship.  My wife still lives with me.  I just feel like she's some stranger in my house.  I feel I have no support.  Everyone thinks because I'm an attractive white male that my life is perfect.  I don't know if I should wait on the meds some more or get a different counselor.  My depression and anxiety are getting worse.  My marijuana intake is increasing heavily and I keep wondering if this is the night I go to the emergency room before I do anything stupid.