A bit of a rant lol

I’m 19f and my best friend is 20m (he is gay, I only mention it bc I feel like it’s relevant to the situation when it comes to the dynamic and the physical contact he initiates) we have known each other since we were 5 &amp; 6, but I don’t actually know if I like being around him or if he’s just the only person I have? 

He’s my only friend that lives in my state (I have one other long term friend but she lives across the country so..) and we have a “I pretend I hate you sometimes but I’d actually follow you to the ends of the earth” type of dynamic,  but it I feel like it’s very one sided and I feel badly about it. I know he cares more about me than I care about him, or that I’m even capable of caring for another person. I’ve tried explaining my mental situation to him but he always has a “damn that’s crazy ❤️” type of response when you try to confide in him, despite ALWAYS doing my best to help him when he confides in me. I feel like I’m the one doing all the emotional labor for the both of us and I hardly have the energy to get out of bed more often than not so something here is... not working for me. 

He acts like he understands me more than anyone else and that attitude really annoys me, I know it’s not from a manipulative or weird place as he genuinely thinks of us as “platonic soulmates” but I feel as though he understands nothing about me besides my humor and doesn’t take me seriously whatsoever. The only strongsuit to me is that we “vibe” creatively, and honestly I wouldn’t mind JUST being creative partners but I feel like he’d be hurt by me bringing the idea of it up, and at the same time I want to distance myself, I still feel a bit of stubbornness from myself to keep this friendship since I have nobody else. I guess he does get me more than most do (mostly because I avoid everyone else but I digress.) but as with every friend I’ve ever had, I feel like the only facet of myself he ‘gets’ is the lighthearted funny part. And it irks me to no end. 

I think I care for him, but the amount I can care or love someone seems to have a limit, even for family. I don’t think I feel emotions as deeply as others do, or at least it seems that way through my perspective. (Unless it was for an FP but when I have an FP i’m a completely different story all together.) but I don’t think I could tell him that I don’t feel the same amount of emotion for him he feels towards me without hurting his feelings. I tend to ignore him  for weeks at a time, and I can’t hang out with him often because I desperately need to be alone, even though he’s always down to hang out even after 10 hour shifts. I just CAN’T do it. Even if I tried.

The more I think about it the more I believe being around him drains me, I don’t know if it’s him in specific because everyone drains me but I really don’t know if I can do it anymore. We used to both want to be roommates, but I have to live alone for my own sanity and for his. I’m honestly just kind of an asshole if I let how I actually feel show, and I need to work on it but finding a decent therapist has not been an easy feat. He’s gotten his feelings hurt when I let him know that I don’t want to be roommates, he’s gotten his feelings hurt when I asked him to chip in a bit for gas since I drive him back in fourth places he wants to go blow money when we hang out and he then realizes that he forgot his wallet. every. time so he makes me drive him home to get it. I don’t mind paying every other time we buy food or drinks at all but driving back to his place to get his wallet is annoying and costs gas money which he doesn’t realize. He’s even gotten his feelings hurt because I suggested he GET HIS LICENSE AND A CAR since he always complains about living where he lives and wants to leave, and pretty much anything else I suggest to help him. I feel like I have to baby him. He had a rough upbringing, but so did I and I didn’t sign up to be his mother.  

He often posts pictures of me on Facebook and Snapchat despite me having anger episodes from being posted by other people and himself before. I’m extremely uncomfortable being posted or even having pics taken of me but he still does it. I don’t know how to get him to stop fucking posting me and taking pics of me, I’ve spiraled from much less. I really don’t think he takes me seriously at all when I say it makes me uncomfortable, and then when he pushes me to the point of being mad he gets offended. Despite my warnings that I easily get pissed off which he disregards. 
Speaking of things that make me uncomfortable, He also holds my hand a lot, which to be fair, I’ve never expressed my discomfort with physical contact before, but I’m scared he will get his feelings hurt if I tell him. 

I don’t know whether I actually want to be friends with him or not, and I’m scared to say anything about it in fear of regretting cutting him off or if I’m just splitting on him for some reason. 


Anyways this is just a big complaint. If you have any advice for me or just want to call me annoying go ahead lmao.