I am really struggling.

I (33m) got really sick when I was about 15 years old, ultimately leading to my having to drop out of traditional high school in favor of a charter school where I did my work in my own time and went in for tests a couple times a week. Through that process I lost touch with pretty much everyone from my middle school days.

When I turned 20, my family moved halfway across the country and I got a job with a major corporation in 2009, where I did really well and made some good work friends. Unfortunately, in 2014 we all got laid off and we have since drifted apart.

Now I work for a credit union, where I've done okay, but COVID hit and since then my anxiety about being in the office around people who are pretending like it is over, are having multiple cases per week in the building. Worse, my boss lied repeatedly on my performance review, and when I proved the lies, I was just told it would not be changed.

In my personal life, I have never had any self confidence, and so I really haven't dated. There was one girl I fell in love with online in 2012, but that ended badly. I built myself up enough to go on one date this year, which went fine, and we setup a second date a week later, but then she canceled the night before and ghosted me. I won't lie, what little self confidence I had vanished instantly.

Between my lack of friends (I have 3.. none of them in the same state as me... really only one even in the USA), my failures in my professional life (deserved or otherwise), and my failures in my love life, I really don't have anything to look forward to. Any reason to keep on going.

I have tried so many medications, and none have helped. I make too much to get any financial assistance to go to therapy, but can't afford it myself, nor do I have a great view on therapy because when I was physically sick it was thought it was in my head and I was forced to see a therapist, and it did not go well.

I don't know what to do. I'm so tired. I just can't anymore. I'm not suicidal right now... just feel like it would be easier for everyone if I was just gone.