This post has been in my mind for months, however, I started writing it only a few days ago. I'm a 19 year old male, currently at college studying engineering, with gynecomastia. Before starting, I do not want to victimize myself or making you sad, I am just here seeking for advice, strategies, books, hobbies, ways of thinking, basically anything that could help me with my situation.

I remember middle school as my happiest years, I had good grades without a huge effort, I was friend of almost everyone on my school grade, I talked a lot, practiced sports such as Tennis, Taekwondo and Swimming, I used to play video games with my closest friends regularly, I used to be so excited about going to school, even some girls liked me (I had some opportunities of having a girlfriend).

However, after those 3 years, I have felt plain, without goals, without motivation, I have even felt as if I am just existing and not really living, as if I were just an extra in the life of other people, I don't feel capable of doing big things, I don't feel as if I could have a couple or good relationship, I feel that I have nothing to offer, I don't enjoy my hobbies as much as I did, I don't exercise anymore, I feel anxious with new people, I became a quiet person (which is ironical, since I used to have a horrible conduct grade due to talking all day with my classmates), sometimes I think that I am going to die young (so why trying?).

I feel all this is happening maybe as the consequence of a conscious (at least a the beginning) or unconscious defense mechanism. Let me explain:

1.- I had a female best friend, we were together since kindergarten, almost 13 years of friendship. I trusted her a lot. I used to talk with her about many personal things, but later on I discovered that almost everything I told her was just screenshoted and sent to her other female friends. I think I was not a priority to her, or she just enjoyed talking about my personal things with others. Since being aware of this I became colder and I don't tell people personal things ( I am not sure if this was a conscious or unconscious decision). Even my High School friends did not know here I lived until around 3 years of knowing them, many do not know my family and they just know basic and superficial things about myself.

2.- A girl felt in love with me, I didn't like her at first, since she was the crush of a buddy, we were just friends. After some time he gave up and I decided that it could be a good opportunity to have something serious. I started asking for help and tips to a common friend and let's just say that the girl that liked me was incredibly toxic (she told our common friend that she was a b\*tch), she was also manipulative and made people against me. Since then I decided that I would try to remove all my love feelings toward other girls at least for a time, since I was tired of dramas. I haven't had or tried having a relationship since then. (I tried summarizing, it actually was at least a year of drama, indirects, hate, etc).

3.- A High School friend told a person in common that I had nothing to do in my life and that I should buy a dild\*. I didn't face him or tell him something, I just decided to reduce my contact. We now talk just about superficial things (Star Wars, school, etc) and not every day. He also yells at me for not being able to go to every meeting or plan they have, to a point that I am no longer invited (with covid it is difficult convincing my parents to always go). Finally, when I am with him he is always complaining of things or other people, which makes me think that he could be complaining about me when I am not with them.

I have noticed that they are having their best life, at least they are being better than when I met them. I have realized that I have been stuck for 3 years. Am I better than I was 3 years ago? The simple answer is no. I have admitted that it has been me who sabotaged myself, the 3 situations above may have hurt me, however I have just acted wrongly all this time. Has anybody here felt like this?

I want to change, I want to be better, I want to have goals, I want to have a purpose, I want to achieve things, I want to be someone, I want to trust people. Does anybody have any advice? I have tried writing goals, but I haven't been able to achieve something. I started exercising, I did it  the first week and stopped in week 2. I feel  broken and need some tips or advice. Thanks if you read this.