I've been depressed for about 3.5 years now and suicidal off and on during this time, but for the past two weeks or so, I've been in an especially bad hole that I don't know how to climb out of.

I can't focus on work or get anything productive done. Nothing seems enjoyable and I don't have a desire to do much of anything. I've been sleeping for \~14 hours per day or so, or if I'm awake, I just lay in bed ruminating. Sleeping feels like an escape, as close to not existing as I can get. I try to go get some exercise, but I just end up back in bed like my bed has its own gravitational pull. I've tried nine different medications over the past few years, the majority of which did nothing and a couple of which made me feel even worse. I feel awful/guilty because my wife is amazing and supports me so much, but I don't get better. My wife is literally keeping me alive because I love her so much and don't want to hurt her by leaving before my time, but I wish I felt like I wanted to stay alive for **me** too.

The last couple weeks have been especially rough and I don't know how to make any positive progress. I miss my regular depressed state compared to my current state and don't know what to do.