For almost half a year ago I experienced my first breakup. It wasn't a bad breakup, it was one of those "good" breakups but it was only the person who I was with that wanted the breakup. He assured me that he still loved me but just wasn't ready for a relationship but that it could maybe work in the future.

We were at the same school and it was there we first met. After the breakup, we both couldn't talk to each other and I understand that it's quite normal after a breakup. But it just kept going, for months we couldn't talk to each other. And at home, I had troubles with my parents, mostly my dad who had and still has trouble accepting me. 

After some time we started slowly becoming friends again even tho it was still awkward between us. But the stress that had been building up started to affect me and my social skills. It made me perform worse in school which also made me stress more. It made me do terrible things to my self which made me stress even more. I had developed into bad anxiety which further made me stress even more.

I felt me and my ex was beginning to slide away from each other again. and after a party where we ended up laying together, my ex told me he didn't want anything to do with me anymore. It was like the last drop.

My anxiety became the worst it had ever been. It ripped me apart from the inside. I felt I could do nothing, be nothing, achieve nothing and no one cared for me. I felt worthless (and still mostly do)

For a month I stayed at home. And of course, my mom noticed and decided I needed to get away from my old school. I argued with her because I didn't want to change school, she accepted I could try and chance class instead. But there was no option for me to chance class as there wasn't enough room for me.

It ended with me changing school. And I don't like it there. all I really want is to change back to my old school in a new class. But that isn't possible.

I don't know what to do. My anxiety is slowly coming back, and I still feel worthless.

The only good thing that has happened is that my ex reached out to me again. We have played some games, but we haven't talked much, only a little, mostly text.

I know it sounds stupid but I still hope, deep down, that he still loves me. I know he most likely doesn't but only reached out to me because he missed me as a friend. And that's still a thing that makes me feel better, but I still read the words over and over again in my head That he still loves me, and it can maybe work again in the future.

It's all very complicated, and I feel broken almost completely broken, but I just needed to put all this somewhere.