Good day.

Personal summary:

* Early 30s
* Non-EU Europe
* 3 years of tried pharmacological treatment with a barrage of stuff, the whole lot - AP, stabilizers, SSRIs
* 7 years of psychodynamic stuff and some CBT I am not sure it wasn't detrimental

I wrote and rewrote my posts a couple of times. So far I wasn't able to explain properly what's the issue. There's just one word I'm sure of, it's Chaos. I don't have BPD, I don't have a diagnosis, and I will not speak in terminology of diagnosis and in terminology of medications stuff., since it's not even realistic to get it. Regardless, all I was told is it's some kind of so-called personality disorder.

The possibility exists it's some kind of subclinical stuff, but you see, there are no forums for that, and I can assure you it's not fun even if it's "subclinical". When I was reading things related to all these traits, in general related to personality issues I often encounter this splitting stuff. On first glance I don't do it. Because it's not ping ponging from bad to perfect. It's more like all is crap and bad. Which is still a kind of black and white thinking, it's just less obvious. I am not involved in multiple tumultuous relations, I have a tremendous anxiety and avoidance. On the surface of it there's nothing, but oh there is. The interactions with the few people I interact with have a ping pong effect on my mood. Often times long after the interaction would expire in someone. I mean that during stress I start getting this plotting/evil kinda of manipulation perception. That people are trying to get rid of me because they despise me or more often dislike me. And during these spells all logic goes down the drain. The perception itself takes a turn into a kind of unreality. I start feeling like I'm in a dream. I read this is some kind of derealization symptom. It's not like I am losing my individuality or view myself from outside so it's not depersonalization. But my perception takes a very tangible dream-like quality. And it's disturbing. Around the same time I get this plotting/people dislike me unformed thought, it's like a feeling, don't know how to explain. And during these spells I have some pretty bad issues with rage "management". I find this whole concept/idea of anger management a stupid thing. There's nothing to manage really, you're not a corporation with managers. But the coping fails to work. And a desire for breaking things and wall punching starts at the smallest frustration trigger. All I can do is not to engage myself in this behavior, but it's very very taxing. Ah, almost forgot. Yeah, and the unrelenting fatigue. I tried exercising like my colleagues and friends do. To no avail. I don't feel less anxious. Now I am just anxious and with sore/painful muscles. And it doesn't help with fatigue either. I think this fatigue it inherently linked to the dread I feel. Dread =&gt; danger =&gt; stress =&gt; physiological stressed state =&gt; fatigue.

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I don't know what I am looking for. Just to say I have lost my trust in doctors and therapists and I see little hope. Not sure what to do. There are no DBT centers around or anything of the like for that matter.