5 years relationship. I 28M, she 28F. She broke up with me 3.5 months ago. Our relationship was very intense. It was my first real relationship and hers was the fourth. She has bipolar disorder and anxiety, which she has been treating for years, and has had depression once. She also has a low self-esteem and constantly seeks validation (her words). I would say that I have controlling traits because I am very analytical, with low empathy.

At the beginning of the relationship I was not very committed, as she was still talking to her ex (who was claiming to be experiencing depression and asking for help) after 6 months of their breakup (ended because he went abroud). She still kept the ex's pictures on facebook even though I said it hurt me for 4 months while we are dating. I was always very sincere with my feelings, trusting to the point of saying things that hurt her deeply. As she is very anxious, there were times when she pressured me for lack of sex (she is a bit of a nymphomaniac). It got to the point where she started to comment that a man should always want to do it and that I could be cheating on her. I always told her to be patient and that sometimes I just didn't feel like it, but there came a point where I said it was because she had gaing 6kg and that had affected in some moments, and also because she started to show some health problems due to eating habits.

We both entered the gym and nutrition. She was excited to show that she was going and was trying to follow the plan, but even so the first scar of the relationship had already occurred, she was somewhat traumatized by her appearance. I always said that I loved her and would be there to help. In my family we always made jokes with each other (bullying) and I ended up doing it at times (jerk... yea), in which she took the joke for about a year and in an attempt to breakup saying how much she didn't like it even if she laught at it in some moments, so I stopped doing it.

The second scar appeared when she spent two terrible years at work in which she suffered threats. I always supported her and stood by her, until she reached a point where I couldn't hear her work problems every day and I told her to talk to other people because I was running out of energy. She felt like she couldn't count on me anymore. But I've always been calming and trying to show new solutions to the whole problem.

During that time the third scar occurred. At a family party, I see her and her first ex (in which she said that she had no feelings for him, as he may have cheated on her, but that he had been friends with the family for years) holding hands. I confronted her and she told me that he had remembered some points of the relationship and that they had both been drinking, but that nothing had happened. I decided to forgive her, but after that I was always afraid, and from time to time I stalked her cell phone. During that time she talked about some past experiences and relationships, and I felt insecure, and I told her that I should have had more experiences before I met her and I tried to break up with her and she convinced me not to do that, with that the fourth scar appeared.

In general we had frequent fights because we couldn't see each other, but they were resolved the next day. There were also fights over her family, who were exploiting her financially (in the end she thanked me for that).

In the past year, I was experiencing enormous stress at my job, in which a colleague was trying to destroy my career. That year I ended up taking some of my anger out on her, and I apologized for that. The fifth scar appeared when she asked for help so that I could take tempting foods from her, since she was unable to stay on the diet. For a few months I started to control what she ate, what was bad for me and bad for her. She entered a cycle of anxiety -&gt; food -&gt; anxiety for having eaten. She is not fat, but I wanted her to take better care of herself and have more discipline and was trying to help her. I was frequently sending her motivating videos, went to the market with her, cooked for her, went for walks with her ...

In those years four breakup attempts by her occurred (usually during an argument) and I always calmed her down and said that there are the ups and downs of the relationship and that we would overcome it. In fact, we have improved a lot, and the discussions have been getting smaller.

After a trip, in which I heard an ugly fight in which I got sick without eating and sleeping for 4 days, I ended up fighting because she had eaten a cookie (yep ...) and she was determined to finish, and she said she didn't like the my controlling way with food. I begged for forgiveness and asked for a chance and I wouldn't do that anymore, because I didn't know it hurt her so much, because she asked for help. We followed this month with her suspicious, with her saying that she loved me one day and the next saying that I was stepping on eggs and that I wasn't being myself just to please her. At the end of the year she went to her family, I stayed with mine, and I found out that she was talking to a guy there and they were agreeing to meet (with sexual content). It devastated me, I confronted her if there was anyone, and she denied it and I pretended that nothing had happened. We kept going until she decided to finish after the first new fight, because she had done something different than we had agreed, accusing me that I was narcissistic and that the relationship was abusive, even though it improved a lot in the end. I again begged her not to breakup with me.

1 week after the end she starts to go out with another co-worker, and she kept contacting me and we went out at the end of that week, in which we ended up sleeping together. The next day I thought we were back, and she sends me away, saying that she doesnt know what she wants, and that she wants to be alone for a long time. In the second week I come back to get my things, we talk, we go out, we laugh, we kiss but she blamed me for the breaking up at the end, saying I had traumatized her and she was trying to breakup with for 3 years but couldnt because she loved so much. That day I found out that she had slept with this co-worker, took all of our photos from facebook and our status out, in addition to telling me that she wanted to get married and have children (something she was against). 2 weeks after that happened, the rebound posts "Miss you" with a heart, on her facebook, in which she responds the same, and he adds her family on facebook. From that day on I entered NC. 3 weeks later she reacts to an instagram story, and we talked for a few minutes, she sent me several pictures of what she was doing, but in the end she was cold with me. 1 week ago, I met her on the street and we talked and hugged 3 times. The conversation went smoothly, and I asked her out and she refused. During this time she liked instagram posts saying: "it feels so good when you left a toxic relationship", "I miss you but I know it's not worth it"

Since the breakup, I started going to therapy and treating my problems, but I feel extremely guilty for the things I did for her. I ask myself every day how stupid and naive I was to say what was on my mind, without realizing how much I could be hurting her.

Her birthday is 1 week from now and I really don't know what to do, I think about sending flowers, an apology for everything. Many tell me not to send anything, that I should have broken up with her the time I saw her hand in hand with her ex, but I feel very guilty and would like to try again. Even with these problems, we got along very well. She said that our relationship was a roller coaster, when it was good, it was very good, but when it was bad it was very bad. My therapist believes that it might be a good idea for me to send a song that I made for her, because this is something that has always been something of mine. My anxiety has increased, and I am unable to sleep again.

I always felt that she could leave me if we got married because drama was everywhere. Her lack of responsibility is huge, always trying to plead other people. Several times didnt do what promised, rarely apologized and always justifying her actions. It is normal on BPD?

Could any kind soul out there give me some advice?