Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse.. 

My husband and I got into it a few weeks ago. I blacked out and started having one of my episodes; screaming, crying, threatening him.. he decides to put his phone in my face and record me which triggered me so I grabbed a knife and started swinging at him to get him to give me the phone. He doesn’t then he pulls out a taser on me which sets me off even more. I swung the knife at him and didn’t mean to cut him but I did. On his hand. Blood starts pouring out but he still won’t give me the phone. According to the detective I also stabbed him four times in his leg which I don’t remember doing. When he still didn’t give me the phone I grabbed his sound bar and started beating him with it until he dropped the phone. By now he’s on the ground begging me to stop. Blood is everywhere. My kids are crying, hiding in the bathroom. I can’t believe I just did that. I’m shaking. I make him delete everything. Immediately after, I feel such regret. I feel bad for him. I go to see if he’s ok and I tell him how sorry I am and that I love him. That I wished it didn’t get to that point. I offer to take him to the hospital but he refuses. He manages to crawl outside and he drove himself to the ER. When he came home I told him I will get help the next day. Well the next day came and I didn’t.. I’m just terrified to seek help. but I felt I could control myself now. I made a promise to myself to do better. And I really was. 

Then just this week while he was at work cops showed up. I was arrested. My kids had to go with their grandpa. They took me in for questioning and I stayed in jail overnight. They charged me with felony assault, felony abuse, misdemeanor abuse, and terroristic threatening. 

I remember lying in the cell and actually feeling.. at peace. Like maybe this is what I need. At least I can be away from the world, with nobody expecting anything from me. No eyes on me. Just me and my thoughts. Then I started missing my kids and felt like killing myself. I realize the shit I had put them through and I just felt sick. Im a monster. 

I didn’t call anyone, but my dad actually called the station and came down to bail me out. Im released now, my next court case is in a couple weeks. My husband took the kids to live with him at his sister’s house. I feel like my hearts been ripped out of my chest from being away from them, I need them. 

This is it everyone.. I’m going to be getting the help I need. The court ordered me to get mental help and take anger management classes. I’ve hid my disorder from the world for so long. Now everyone sees me as the monster I am. I’m aware the things I do and say is wrong in that moment but I literally cannot control it. 

My case worker is shocked that I’m not afraid to do time, but the way I see it is.. everything happens for a reason. Maybe this is exactly what I deserve. I’ve put my kids and husband through hell. I’ve been in denial for years about my disorder. But now everything is crystal clear to me.. I DO need help. And I will get better for my kids. I have to.