So recently I've been officially diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and I asked my GP if I could be referred for a BPD assessment, as I very heavily relate to all of the symptoms, and the last thing I want to do is self diagnose. However, the prospect of being confirmed to have BPD lifts a weight off my chest, it explains my thought process so clearly and helps me to regulate my own thoughts and tell myself why I am thinking one way or another.

I was told this appointment would be an hour long, and I'd be assessed. In reality, it lasted 20 minutes, I hadn't finished talking, and made two stand-out comments:

"You've been in a relationship for two years, that's a pretty stable relarionship"
"I dont want to diagnose you, you have lots of BPD symptoms but I think you seem okay and will manage"

Firstly, just because I'm in a long term relationship, that doesn't mean I dont have it. I start pointless fights constantly, I can be absolutely horrible. I know I'm being horrible and I cant stop it sometimes. I hate it. Also, my relationships are all or nothing. I can go from being super in love one day, to breaking up the next. That's what happened in my last long term relationship (3 years).

I'm "okay" right now because I'm hyper fixating on my final university exams and I'm too stressed about that to even consider my mental health. I've also been prescribed sertraline and I feel that's having a slight positive effect.

I feel like the best way to describe it is that my anxiety and depression symptoms come in waves. Sometimes its fine but sometimes I'm drowning. My BPD symptoms are constant, and have been since I found out about BPD 7 years ago.

I told the psychiatrist that diagnosis is really important to me in order to feel validated and that I'm not attention seeking after all (despite being told that for my whole life). She said, I can tell people I have BPD, if it helps. It doesnt help - I dont want to tell people I have BPD, I want to be told, I want to feel accepted and believed and like I'm being listened to. I want to be given a chance and understood. I want to be able to think deep down, that I am right and I am not lying to myself or making stuff up or doubting myself. 

I've asked my GP to talk to a different practitioner in hope for an actual assessment and to be taken a bit more seriously. But in the meantime, this is a pretty crappy feeling...