i started smoking weed in april. i was in a very stable relationship and i was genuinely happy with how my life was going. i got so high the first time and she even showed up unprovoked at a pool that me and my friends went to. ever since that day i went into a vicious cycle of getting high every week, to every few days, to every night, to 24/7. she got upset every-time i did it. i was slowly losing myself and i didn’t even realize it. i ended up cheating on her but i didn’t even feel bad about it (bc i was always high). im usually a very emotional person but weed made those negative thoughts of the break up and of myself go away. i didn’t even realize that i was suppressing my emotions and I just kept living life high. I would always have mood swings and mental health issues but i blamed it on weed. it wouldn’t even matter since every-time i got high i would just forget about all of those thoughts. I got over losing her so quickly and it made me confused but i was happy that I wasn’t dealing with emotions. then I met a girl who matched my energy entirely and when we confessed our feelings i cried of joy for the first time in years. but i was struggling to remember the moment as it was happening because i was smoking so much. i realized i had to quit smoking for this girl and i accepted my addiction. it was so easy to me because I wanted to fully invest in our future relationship. the first few weeks were hell but she was very supportive. she had just got out of a 5 month toxic relationship and i had just got out of one with weed. so we decided to wait before getting into a new relationship. things were really difficult at first but after the withdrawal symptoms passed i started to feel normal again. but all of a sudden i started losing myself. everyday i would wake up and i felt like an entirely different person. everything i knew about myself felt like a lie. one moment i could be excited and extremely social then all of a sudden life would be so frightening. i was so confused and i found out i had BPD. i really wanted to convince myself that i didn’t but after reading this subreddit and relating to everything ive read i’ve finally found acceptance within myself. i wanted to improve my life but it was so hard since i was hanging around the same friends that smoked 24/7. i tried distancing myself from them but i realized that i needed to cut them off completely. it took a lot out of myself because i hated being alone and nobody to really vent to. the sad truth is they stopped enjoying being around me because i quit. i don’t regret my decision. on top of BPD i overanalyzing every single thing about myself and even writing this is difficult because i can’t stop judging myself. i always try to ride out the intense happiness that comes with BPD but out of nowhere it just stops or something happens that just messes everything up. one thing that’s really helped is the gym but when i’m really happy it makes me really lazy because the only things i did was when i was happy was do absolutely nothing. the only difference now is that i’m not absolutely fried and i have to deal with boredom. i really want to figure out how to deal with BPD and want to keep my future relationship with this girl stable. so far it’s been amazing but the way i feel about her is always changing. it’s usually very positive but when she does something that bothers me i feel like that’s the only way she’s ever been and i forget about how amazing she is. she’s really the best person in my life. my main issue though is the weekends. im usually alone and unless i’m going out i get so deep in my head. i try distracting myself with video games and social media but im so overstimulated and i even deleted tiktok because of how much it makes me overthink. i don’t know what to do. i don’t know how to meditate properly and this is the first time i’ve ever said this to anybody because i can’t tell my therapist that i’ve ever smoked (for personal reasons) and she always catches me in a good mood so i always forget to talk about my BPD symptoms. i think i need a new therapist but I really want to learn how to maneuver my life now. its so hard everyday, but everyday is amazing. yall would understand.