I just needed to say this before I forget. I keep hearing voices, sounds. Like I’m sitting on my couch right now and I swear I heard a sigh. Like an irritated sigh and it’s giving me really bad anxiety right now. Im home alone and my 9 month old baby is taking a nap right now so I don’t wanna wake him up. 

Also, my boss just called me and I purposely ignored the call. I get panic attacks whenever someone calls me. I don’t show it it’s more of a silent panic attack but I sit in silence and my brain just hurts so bad. I’m really so tired. I’m exhausted in every way. I’m getting worse and worse every day and no matter how positive I start the day, my thoughts EAT at me.  

My body dysmorphia is getting worse even though I’m home, I need to take photos. It’s like an addiction. I don’t go anywhere but I put makeup on and dress up. I try to be happy. I’m learning new recipes and getting way better at cooking now. But then I’m lying in bed letting my brain rip me apart. I really can’t leave the house unless I have to, but even grocery shopping gives me major anxiety. I need to stop overthinking. I always feel like people are staring at me and thinking I’m the most ugliest creature on the planet. I walk so fast through grocery stores because my anxiety is so bad. Like I don’t want to bump into anyone, speak to anyone, I’m in and I’m out. I write a list in the order of the layout of the grocery store I’m going to to save time. I also rarely make eye contact with anyone and I notice I do that but I get really nervous looking people in the eyes. I do it, but inside I’m panicking. I feel like whenever I’m talking to anyone, they’re judging my outfit, the way I look, the way I talk. I don’t know if it’s just me but everyone stares at my mouth when I talk. It makes me super insecure so I feel like I overthink the way I move my mouth when I talk which makes things 10x worse. I just want to be able to go out without wearing makeup. I even put makeup on to sit in a 15 minute zoom call for work. My health is at its worst. Me and my “husband” are not ok. I know it’s my fault but it’s his too. Last night my husband and I were arguing (the kids were in bed). And he broke the kid’s paw patrol table. That was their favorite that they’ve had since they were little. They heard that and started crying and I went into their rooms to comfort them and he started punching our fridge. He thinks our middle son isn’t his. And he always bring it up in such a petty way at the wrong time. I could be happy and having a great time and then somehow we’re arguing about something that happened 3 years ago. 

My boss called again I’m really so nervous to pick up that I’m considering quitting and finding a different job. I love  this job, I do. Because I can work from home. But I just left a 5 year 9-6 job. When you clocked out, you were done. Your boss doesn’t call you at 8 pm. 

With this new job, since it’s 100% commission we make our own schedule. Really it’s based on how much work you decide to put in. But I just get so anxious and I literally can’t breathe when they call me. Like I feel nauseous just thinking of it.

Basically I’m a mess and I really don’t know why I came on here to vent but I could go on and on. I’m just so exhausted.