I know i’m spiraling right now and don’t know what to do about it. the realization of what i do to other people is crushing. my gf and i are almost coming up on a year in a few months and i’m sure i’m going to marry her. but lately i’ve been worse than i usually am (about a month), and it’s sad to see my gf completely go into fight or flight mode when i get even the slightest bit upset. this has happened with every partner, even though my therapist told me i’m the “most well-spoken and rational patient with BPD” she’s ever had ( /hj, she did say that, but don’t take it as a brag or a badge of honor. i’m heavily dedicated to ALWAYS being better and coping with my symptoms for the good of everyone, and it actually takes a toll on me). my gf told me a bit ago that she gets nervous if she can’t call me at night or wants time to herself, because she doesn’t want me to be upset. i always tell her that she has to be okay with disappointing me, and it’s okay for me to be upset, because i’m not mad at her- just disappointed we don’t get to talk, and i will be fine if she gives me like, 5 mins. it’s come to the point i don’t say anything for a min. or two, then respond with how i actually feel (like, “that’s okay! we can still text. love you”) but because we’ve communicated about my irrational feelings (and how they’re not real) previously and she KNOWS i initially get upset, she gets anxious to tell me anything. there are other examples of the “eggshell” behavior, but we all have bpd here, i’m sure some of you can relate and fill in the blanks. she exhibited some of that intense anxiety tonight, and i was already spiraling, so this just killed me  inside. it feels like i’m being punished constantly for having bpd, by everyone who loves me, not just her. i spend most of my energy making sure no one sees the nasty parts of my illness, employing techniques i’ve learned and having stern moments of self-reflection if i know an emotion is intense, unreasonable, and/or not how i truly feel. it feels like no matter how many victories over BPD i have, the tiny moments of weakness are the only things that shine through. i feel like i have a bright red CAUTION sticker plastered to my forehead. thanks to anyone who listened.