I worked as a camp counselor over the summer and I had a few physical interactions with the kids I worked with. I thought they were all completely appropriate until there was an incident where another counselor touched a child inappropriately, and I’ve been analyzing my past interactions since. I told mom about them and she said they’re sexual abuse… and I’m freaking out now. 

- A ten year old boy tickled me so I tickled him back. 

- Another ten year old boy fell over in a sand pit and was complaining that there was sand all over him. He said he wanted to take off his shirt but I wouldn’t let him, so he lifted his shirt and asked if I could wipe the sand off his (bare) lower back that he couldn’t reach. Later he asked if he could hold onto me in the pool to get to the shallow end so I let him. 

- A five year old boy needed help pulling his swim trunks up, so I helped, but they were tighter than I expected and I could feel the backs of my hands against his rear. I got very uncomfortable and asked him to loosen the string himself. 

- A nine year old girl got punched in the stomach and to write an incident report I had to see if there was a bruise. I asked her to lift her shirt, she said no, I clarified why, and she said no again, so I backed off and called my bosses to deal with it. 

- Whenever I was talking to kids directly or comforting them, I would put my hand on their shoulder. Sometimes I would put my hand on their upper back if they were going too slow or going the wrong way to guide them. I did these things without thinking but now I’m obsessing over them after what my mom said. 

It’s weird. I never meant to be an abuser. I just wanted to help these kids and have fun with them. But of course I fucked it up, just like everything else in my life.