*TW - Substance Abuse is mentioned*

I am 4 days sober from alcohol abuse and I am STRUGGLING hardcore. I have the urge to load my kid in the car and go grab a few beers so this feeling goes away. 
Why is this so hard? Why do substance abuse and BPD go hand in hand in such a bitter sweet way. Bitter cause it can destroy your life and sweet cause it can make it all go away. I am tired of feeling this way, I am tired of having my BPD rule my life. It controls EVERYTHING I do in my life and I absolutely hate every second of it. I need to gain control back in my life and the first thing that has to go is my drinking. 
This is fucking hard….someone please tell me it’s worth it. It’s worth being sober that my life with get better by living a sober life. I have so much on the line including my relationship with my boyfriend/FP. I can’t go down this rabbit hole again.