I've had a bad problem regarding envy, feelings of insignificance/skillessness, to say it has been the worst mental episode I've experienced in my life would be a massive understatement, and it's been killing me since 2020.

I thought I wanted to kill myself before, now it just seems like the only logical option. I tried to force myself into certain things, like a maddened attempt to salvage my path. I learned a lot about myself. That I'm just a narcissist, and I'm stuck in a paradox. I want to be an artist, I want to draw and make music, but I can't.

The way I've grown up has shaped my ill mindset into what it is. A disorder that cripples my ability to seek the only things I desire. A disorder I unfortunately will never have the power to overcome. Therapy is out of the question, I already know they're not going to fix anything. They're gonna try to convince me to live with my problems. That's not an option for me.

And nobody will ever understand. I'll only ever look insane or dramatic to anyone, because I'm 20 and have "so much ahead" of me. Yeah, a long path of deteriorating and going nowhere in a world I hate, all while my envy and feelings of valuelessness grow stronger, doomed to witness everyone else's lucent creativity and skill. There's my eyes, and your eyes. You'll never understand my perspective, I'll never understand yours.

I see the beauty that pours from so many, but I'll never be able to appreciate it since I'll never be capable creating any myself. I'm passionless. Uncreative. Everything I could have been is already out there, and I'll never be anything like it.