I don’t have many friends. Two really close ones and a few less close ones. I argued with one of them two days ago because of how she’s treated me for over half a year (bullying, telling me to shut up when I speak, making fun of what I told her about my depression/suicidal thoughts, etc.) and I feel bad for it because I started the argument. I feel like a complete pushover because I can’t stand up to anyone who does something to me. I put up with everything she did to me for half a year and it took a toll on my mental health every single time. I’ve apologised to her every time I’ve done something wrong (usually over something insignificant she got upset over) but she’s never said sorry once for everything she’s done to me. I don’t know what to do. I know I don’t want to be her friend again but it hurts thinking about how much of a dick I was when I could finally let loose on her. Some context here about what happened, essentially I got uninvited from her party 2 months after I was told I could go and half a week before the party was taking place. I immediately thought it was because because of her and knowing her it was a reasonable accusation to make but she claims it wasn’t her choice and honestly I believe her. But I didn’t apologise and let it go, I was upset with her so I started arguing against her until it eventually stopped on both sides. I went to a chat I’m in with her best friend and she argued with me trying to defend her but I brought up everything she did to me and she agreed with every point I made. I feel like a dick because her friend went to my best friend after and asked why I layed into her about it all so hard. I don’t think I did anything wrong here I just think I handled defending myself a little poorly because her friend didn’t deserve the onslaught she got when she was just trying to defend her. But at the end of the day she’s been terrible to me for over half a year and the only thing keeping me in contact with her was that party and without that I had no reason to stay her friend. To give an example of something she did to me she made a joke about me jumping into the road while I was just walking (I’m suicidal so it was a fucked joke to make and she knew that). I stand by my decisions I made that night but honestly I just feel like shit for ending one of my few friendships and attacking her best friend the way I did. So yeah, the advice I’m looking for here is just how to accept and move on from losing a friend and how to explain myself in a calm and rational manor in the future, wether any anger be pent up or not.