So my partner is very loving and understanding and he’s a romantic and likes to give me words of affirmation. Now I’m not so good at that and it makes me feel guilty. So i try to show it in other ways. But then i feel like i’m breathing down his neck. So then i isolate myself and do the whole self hatred thing. And he understands it all and it’s kind of driving me mad. Like I want him to be even a little bit annoyed with me? Sometimes it makes me wonder if i love him back, not being able to be verbal like that. So then i plan when to break up with him. It’s my birthday in a few days and he’s sending me a gift and something inside me is saying “Do it before the birthday so it’s not like you’re a gold digger.” “You’ll seem like a gold digger anyway cause you know about the gift.” So it’s like the devil on my shoulder pushing me to do the dramatic thing because I can’t accept/understand the love and the angel being more reasonable saying “Calm down, take a few and just trust him and stop thinking about yourself and more about him” or “Well ok if you’re really not sure about him at least do it after Christmas? But i never calm down and i also never stop thinking about him and when he’s gone for longer than usual i get into a frenzy. And i still feel like an awful person and I can’t stop the disassociation, the headaches, i have no appetite so i feel weak and then i eat so I don’t faint but then i feel fat. I also sleep A LOT and it’s just ugh. I’d like to run away on a beach please. I’m sure this is not what love is supposed to feel like. Am i too uptight? It’s just so exhausting literally having to wake up and debate every single little thing i do with myself. That is, when i’m able to fall asleep and not have some weird nightmare. I should just be alone forever and get a pet so i don’t drive myself nuts. This turned into a ramble, I’m sorry. I just had to say it and maybe getting a response from another human being will make me feel better? And if you have any advice that would be lovely.