I know i have BPD, i am undiognosed but its blaringly obvious what it is, it cant just be ADHD. Im going fucking insane and losing it. I lost my friend/girlfriend (we never officially dated) last year by suicide and my granpa up and died of cancer and shit and all i can think about is her (my un official ex girlfriend) i cant get her out of my head. I feel guilty for being sad because i wasnt as close as her other friends were, so why should i be this hurt?? What if she couldnt care less about me?? Every waking moment feels full of anxiety and dissociation i feel like im about to start screaming and shoot myself. Id so much rather be with her and dead than be with these people who dont understand or care about my fucked up head and my mental issues. Why cant i just be normal, what if im just a spoiled brat and im making this all up?? I just broke up with my boyfriend (also my fp) hes diognosed with aspergers so we relate on alot but he cant empathize with me like i need him too wed have one good day where everything was good and then hed say "yeah" the wrong way and id start spiraling and asking what i did wrong. And he in turn would get anxious and hurt himself sometimes. but FUCK im so dependent on him. Hed drive me around, get me food and anything i needed (like shampoo, soap, toothpaste, etc.) and tell me constantly how great i am and how much he loved me but i just couldnt stop self sabotaging even though his immense affection is all ive ever wanted. He fucking cheated on me twice and i stayed because i needed him to keep me safe and i tried desperatley to love him again but i just cant love HIM i love what he gave me and the security he gave me and now that i made him leave i feel like someones dropped me off naked in a feild in the middle of the night i feel SO FUCKING VULNERABLE AND SHITTY. I want to ask him to come over again so so so bad but i know i cant stay with him hes not what i want or need i need someone better but god i want him so bad. I feel so disgusting and stupid i just want someone to take care of me and really know whats going on with my mind fuck why cant there be someone perfect i need to learn how to cope this is bullshit HELP