I work at a small nonprofit (maybe 8 of us on core staff) and we’re giving our POC some space due to the happenings of the world. I’m pretty close with both of them. Anyway, one friend was chatting in the group text about work stuff which led me to believe she’d take a text related to work. I missed a lot of the staff meeting last week because my mom called to tell me my granddaddy passed in his sleep. I hung up the zoom meeting for obvious reasons. I remembered her saying something about needing days covered but couldn’t recall so I asked. She told our ED that I was triggering to her. I will never understand the depths and pain with what she’s going through right now. 

I’m falling apart (my grandfather and I were so close). I feel huge guilt for being so upset because my shit pales in comparison to her’s. I know I’m just some dumb white bitch that has benefitted from the system and the color of my skin. I hurt her, we consider one another to be sisters and I totally fucked that up. 

I’m on a good combo of meds have have some DBT stuff, but yesterday I had a full on meltdown for the first time in years. It was like things were before my diagnosis. I wanted to scream and cry and peel my skin off. But I couldn’t do any of those things. I sat silently trying to stifle all my feelings because they’re too big to have right now. It’s not okay for me to be upset while my friends are crumbling apart. 

I feel like I can’t do or say anything right anymore and have resolved myself to just not talk to anyone from work anymore. I’ve made such an ass of myself. 

The extremes are back. There’s no middle ground. My insurance doesn’t cover DBT or talk therapy anymore so I’m going it alone. I lashed out at my boyfriend but luckily realized I needed to walk away and be alone. I tried calling my sister but she’s a few weeks away from giving birth to my niece. I can’t call my mom because she just lost her last parent. My best friend lives in Berlin (I’m in the states) and helps me process as much as she can, but I’m afraid to unload on her too. 

My boss said I could unload and my emotions started spewing everywhere. She’s so manipulative and I’m having the biggest regrets saying anything to her. It’ll probably get used against me again. 

I’m so stressed and anxious and shattering. I can’t even bring myself to take a day off to process my bullshit life. I’m back to hating myself and making dumb decisions of never speaking again. I was doing so well but the brain tornado is back with a vengeance. 

I just.. idk. I’m lost and have done a pretty good job isolating myself even before this due to the pandemic. I can’t do this again.