**pretty long post and might be hard to make sense of because I'm a very scatterbrained ADHD riddled person. I would appreciate if you could read through and provide input**

I just read a comment from a psychiatrist that said "if you think you have borderline personality disorder, you probably don't". How true is this? The more I read into bpd the more I suspect I have it. I'll try to sum up some of my symptoms and why I suspect I might have BPD. I probably won't even scratch the surface. But I'll try:

I grew up in a not so good environment. My dad dealt with severe mental illness and at the time was very unstable throughout my childhood. They separated soon after I was born but they lived across the street from each other so from my earliest memories I watched my dad verbally abuse my mother frequently, who is the sweetest and would never do anything to truly deserve it. I grew up listening to him belittle her and call her horrible the names. I don't know if this is relevant but this is just an insight to one of the reasons I could have developed it? I don't know.

Anyways-- throughout my childhood and teenager years I saw many doctors, counselors, psychiatrists. The problem is from a very young age I learned how to manipulate my mood disorders to others. Away from my mom and some of my family I could (mostly) control outbursts although in public they happened occasionally. I was especially good at pretending to be normal infront of doctors and would deny all of the issues my mom brought up. Most of the times the doctors would dismiss me as a regular kid that had some slight mood issues. Although I did receive a few diagnosis's of bi polar and a lot of diagnosis's of ADHD. I never took the medication I was prescribed as a child which includes lithium and Ritalin to name a few. 

Along with severe mood swings I suffered from bad ADHD as I said previous along with horrible anxiety from a very young age. School was hell to me as a child and it lasted all the way up until I dropped out of school. It was truly a nightmare. From kindergarten onward I can recall fighting my mom to go to school. Not long after that I was always dealing with the school administration and eventually it would come to court and probation due to truancy. It was so bad that I didn't care the consequences and would not go. When I did go I could never focus probably due to ADHD and anxiety as I said. I dropped out in early high school and eventually in my teenage years I turned to alcohol, then drugs which were mostly silly over the counter things but none the less it was a mostly everyday thing. Eventually it would turn into hard drugs that resulted in me stealing and other random crimes which was never like me to ever do. I'd do all of this to fit in with the crowd around me that I found because most of the time being under the influence resulted in no anxiety for me which was so surreal. And no decision making either. This got me into a lot of legal trouble and most recently resulted in me doing a lot of jail time. 

Fast forward nearly a year I've been sober since and don't have any cravings to use or anything like that. But the crippling anxiety and mood swings have only gotten worse to the point where I don't leave the house much. I'm always aggressive and yelling at the family member for no reason and I don't understand why. In the moment I feel like I mean the terrible things I say but then when I can force myself to stop and think about it I realize most of what I was mad about was irrational and tell myself I'll quit that nonsense for good. But it's an everyday thing that seems to be a loop. I hate it. I have too much anxiety to even apply for a job. I've only ever held a couple jobs and the best part is the longest I worked at any one of those was a couple of days. My anxiety gets the best of me and despite being on nearly every anti depressant there is, along with other medications such as my current regimen of lamictal, morning has even come close to helping. Besides perhaps Ativan or Xanax, but of course I've never had more than a couple of days of a prescription so I don't know if it would have been helpful long term. 

Most recently, within the last two years I saw a psychiatrist very briefly that didn't seem to think I had the bipolar I had been diagnosed with previous to that because I never had a case of mania. I had agreed and brought up Bpd that at the time I had just briefly read about. She quickly dismissed that without even a discussion so I dropped it up until recently. So many of the symptoms fit in with me especially that no treatment has even scratched the surface. Not counseling and especially not medication. But alas I suspect that I probably do not have it for the sole reason that it seems as though you don't usually recognize what's wrong with you and maybe for the worse I all to well know what's wrong with me and what I do wrong whether it be right after or some time after. It's a horrible feeling that eats at me.