Sorry if the title is misleading.

I (20F) have never been diagnosed with depression nor have I ever spoken to a psychiatrist.  But, I have had some *very* hard times in the past.  I luckily got to move back home from college a few months ago because I was at my lowest: zero motivation for anything, abusive relationship, lost all my passion for school, and was addicted to THC concentrates (say what you want, weed addictive).  

I am doing better now that I am away from my abuser with family and no longer dependent on weed.  I am also on a different career path that I am more excited about. And I want better for myself, more than I did before.

But, thoughts pop into my head that put me down.  I'll be driving listening to music and suddenly I am interrupted by a thought like  "you cant save money because you are f\*\*\*ing worthless" or its "everyone that is empathetic to you is wrong, you are a loser."

Even today I saw a cute baby playing with their father and was thinking about how precious life is then out of nowhere its "mom and dad thought you were a cute baby little did they know how much of a failure you would turn out to be".

I am tired of thinking these thoughts.  Its the reason I had to stop smoking, I would smoke then sit and run through every cringy thing I do and remember all the the lies I've told myself before I'd even realize what I was thinking about.  All of these thoughts are in my own voice but they are the biggest bullie I've ever known.  

I have never had thoughts instructing me to do things, and I have always known I will never kill myself because my best friend's older brother did when we were younger and I watched how many worlds it tore apart.  But *man*, am I tired of being ruined by my own head.  

Has anyone had similar experiences?  I think I want advice on what to do but just knowing I'm not alone is enough.

I know therapy would be logical in a situation like this, but it is very much not a thing in my family and the whole area I'm from.  Even considering it is part of what creates these self depreciating thoughts, I mean no offense to anyone by this but I will feel a great extent of shame if I ask my parents to see somebody, especially after all they have done to accept me after failing college.  

Thank you all for the read and any advice given, reading though this thread I see there are so many situations far more unfortunate than mine, I wish all of you the best, and thank you for holding in there.