i’m not sure if this is an advice or a rant post really but i’ve just wanted to share in case someone out there is going through anything similar. I’ve had debilitating anxiety for the past few years. I’ve always been introverted/ shy, but my anxiety got so much worse when i would coop myself up in my house and not go anywhere. i found myself in a relationship and each year my anxiety would get worse, currently on year 5 and i am stuck, scared and i think of jumping off a cliff or doing something to myself at inappropriate times. I have intense panic attacks, i had an anxiety attack in the grocery store once really bad and i’m so afraid of it every-time i go. 

I had several suicide attempts involving a combination of ssris when i found out i was cheated on, this is the same guy who introduced me to Xanax. I got hooked and addicted to feeling “normal” so i would up my dose. it was always “just one more” i am prescribed Xanax and can’t seem to be honest about how addicted i really am to my doctor. i’m afraid she’ll take me off but i know it’s what i need. i get massive headaches, and i’ve had seizures from with drawling and my suicide attempt. if i don’t take any i’m shaky my anxiety is so much worse, i have suicidal thoughts, i’m so angry. The Xanax makes me lash out and i have no filter i almost lost my job. 

I feel like a freak, i just developed this over the years and i used to be very social as a person. now the only thing that makes me feel normal is that. i won’t even go out of my house without alcohol or a Xanax. I’ve been spiraling out of control. I want to die because i’m in so much pain but i’m scared of dying because of the Xanax, i have tension everywhere in my body, which just gives me more anxiety. I’m so scared, i’m only 23. I’ve wasted my life away since i was 16. Enough should be enough, but i just feel so weak. I can’t feel alive without a drug,i just feel hopeless and i want to get better, therapy didn’t even work for me. The drugs are a false security and i know that and i’ve ruined myself with a short term solution but i am struggling really bad right now, i can’t think of anything else.