I want to get this off my chest: if you are considering suicide because the inner pain is such it's unbearable: I empathize, I've been there. In fact, I attempted once (seemingly, I can't even kill myself right). And quite frankly, after 3 years where only one substance has ever helped (won't name it because it's illegal and will ruin your life), I was ready to give up.  I won't' described the details on how I planned it as it's against reddit rules but let's just say I wouldn't have missed this time. 

There IS hope. A medical solution *may* help you. Doctors are didactic in their approach - they might mean well, but might treat your condition the 'wrong' way, or more accurately they might treat you 'sub-optimally'. There's also a lot of money to made in self help books... so be careful with those.

Second, before i go into the details I'm not guaranteeing anything to anyone, I'm just describing my own experience with the medicine I never had tried before and made a sudden HUGE positive impact in my life which so far was miserable. **DO NOT GIVE UP HOPE** \- Shop for psychotherapists if you have to - get the best one you can afford/have access to. But **medicine can help alleviate the symptoms of your BPD, I'm sure of this now.** 

And now for the 'big reveal'. It's 'just' modafinil. That's right, that pill prescribed to millions of people for ADHD, nothing special. Not even expensive. Not even special looking.

After 3 years of suffering from this mental illness (let's call it for what it is) and being formally diagnosed twice (wanted a second opinion) by 2 very good psychotherapists in England, I was given Modafinil as a 'last-ditch solution' since I was 'resistant' to the usual cocktail of SSRIs/MAOIs, etc.

So far I've been scammed of thousands of pounds by self-described 'DBT group' which charge 300 pounds per hour for 'crisis sessions' and gaslight you into oblivion to keep you sick. I'm actually considering, now that I have my head back on my shoulder, taking these organizations to court as in my opinion they take advantage of people in distress to make money off 'the secret' level of scientific demonstration of their claims (*note: properly administered DBT has helped some of us, I'm not against DBT, I'm just saying, the notion that ONLY DBT works and medecine is useless is what I'm contesting here).*

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But know this: Until yesterday 3pm (when the modafinil hit my bloodstream) **I was actually planning an exit strategy as I had been brainwashed by some groups that there was 'no medical solution to BPD'**

So what did it modafinil do for me you ask. Well as you know we have 9 trait (not all of us have all 9, but some do). Well, the trait around 'lack of capacity for emotion regulation' has been clearly impacted by the modafinil. Yesterday and today were not 'very good day's objectively - there was a conflict in my house and a death of an acquaintance. 

But this time. I didn't cut. I didn't burn. I didn't bang my head against the wall. I didn't roll on the floor trying to sooth myself. I didn't become a general pain the rear to those around me to 'take it out on them'. No. I didn't feel happy, of course, but my reaction was, 'appropriate' for lack of better words. It was in other words, 'muted' compared to what I would normally have done. 

So, while it's not a cure all, I, my only self and a sample of one, can attest modafinil helped alleviate the worst of my BPD 'trait' (impulsivity to self harm). 

It's early of course and I'll post an update. But I just wanted to share because I saw so many of you in pain being fooled into thinking 'dunking your head in ice cold water' was the way forward. It might be for some, but its' not for me. I found a solution in medecine, and I'm just content to share it with you.