I literally hate having this disorder. A disorder I don’t even really *need* to have. 

I crave intimate relationships, but I lost my first love. He cheated but I get why, and I can say in self reflection with a clear mind it was this illness. I ruined his mental health. My child’s dad (different person), I’ve ruined his too. 

I know I’m the common denominator and it hurts. 

It makes me not want to be here, but I will, for my son. I need to make sure he grows up well and I can navigate him away from this learnt disorder, for the ease of his life.  

I think im just sad knowing, whilst symptoms of this stay prominent… I *have* to be alone to protect others. I expect to be saved but I can’t even save myself. 

I say this post with negative tone as I’ve been in a couple programmes (starting a new one next month) and it feels like, even though treatment works to a point, im still pretty resistant. Maybe if I can get used to the fact I won’t share life with someone romantically again … it’ll be okay. But right now, it makes me incredibly sad but low-key I know I deserve it and I don’t need to be told I don’t, because I do. And this isn’t even self pity. We all know it everyone deserves nice things, but this is more realisation I fit that bracket and that is shitty