I thought I'd made my decision, and I was okay with that. Then, my friend showed concern because I had a weird injury pop up (not as a direct action from anything I did, probably just from treating my body so poorly and the month+ of drinking a litre of vodka a day and hardly eating). I don't know if they could tell what was up, but that small bit of caring was enough to change my mind. 

I still tried to smash a bottle while in there, and probably wasted the nurses time. I scared my friends and my family and made a fool of myself constantly throwing myself off the bed to get attention because I went back to thinkinh no-one cared (I can see the funny side of that visual now, but I had bruises for weeks). The crisis mental health team still didn't do anything to help, and afterwards the two local MH teams still said they couldn't treat me because I was either too complex or not complex enough to meet their criteria.

Something in me shifted though, my anger at myself turned to anger at all the times I had asked for help and been turned down. A year later I have a dual diagnosis of BPD and ADHD, I'm on better medication, a part time job and I'm finishing my studies. I'm nowhere further along with getting therapy and I still see an expiration date on "me", but now it's blank rather than tomorrow. I didn't think it was possible. 

I'm still the same person struggling with BPD, but I now have proof that I can a little bit more than that as well. I've started to recover, and unlike the other times (from breakdowns or getting treatment for addiction) this time I got real results. I'm glad that I decided to try again, and I really didn't see that coming.

Sorry if that's long, or if no-one wants to read it. I just thought that if one person sees it, and it helps them imagine that change is possible, that twelve months from now life could be tangibly better it was worth posting.