I haven’t slept properly for so long now I can’t remember when it started. I’ve had one day this month where I’ve managed to get the full 8 hours. I just flipped out at my partner and I don’t know what to do.
I fell asleep when I got in from work, he was still at his work. I made a plan the previous day that in order to get some sleep I will nap when I get in, when he gets in we’ll make food and then I’ll go back to sleep. He got in, didn’t wake me and then lay on the couch in the living room. I, the shit sleeper that I am, woke up and went to see why he’d hang out in there. He told me he didn’t want to disturb me, but he had this glassy eyed, distant look. He looked as if there was something bothering him, which recently is a worry, because he is very impulsive and suicidal. I went to the bathroom, he stayed in the living room. I went in again to try and figure out what was wrong, he kept telling me he was okay and wouldn’t elaborate. He got irritated with me asking. He keeps telling me he’s okay when he’s clearly not at the moment, so I can’t trust him when he says this. His lack of communication has really been a hindrance recently so it makes me anxious af when he refuses to talk to me. I asked if we were going to eat and he said he wasn’t hungry. I hadn’t eaten today or yesterday. I went to get a glass of water and he continued that there was nothing wrong and sighed and said ‘for ducks sake’. Clearly, I’d lizard him off further, but my lack of sleep and my frustration at him for making me feel like I’d done something wrong and just not talking to me in general was just becoming overwhelming, I didn’t know what to do with all of this pent up tension and anxiety and so I just threw the glass to the ground. It shattered, some when tin his eye, he was about 3 meters away, I didn’t intend for that to happen. He blew up at me, rightly so, and shouted at me for being a psychopath. He’d had a drink and so everything he was yelling at me was amplified. I do t know what to do. I don’t know how to just get rid of this mounding tension that constantly, constantly makes me feel like I need to do something to let it out. I make a promise to him the other night that I wouldn’t hurt myself when I felt like this, but I couldn’t talk to him either because he wasn’t talking. I didn’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I just feel crazy and I need release and I just want this all to go away. I want to stop hurting people. I’m trying to get into therapy, I’ve been waiting 6 months, but everything’s just getting worse and o don’t know what to do.