2020 was the pinnacle of my anxiety due to covid. Or so I thought! This year, I am trying to complete grad school. I spent the last few months applying to jobs. This has greatly delayed my thesis writing. I had such dreams about my dissertation. Did I stop caring about the quality of my work?

Now that I have a job offer, there are issues with work authorization (I am on a student visa in the US). 

On top of these issues, I have nightmares thinking about my extended family back in India dealing with the pandemic. 

After being alone without any human contact for almost a year, I thought that meeting friends post vaccination would help. However, I feel a sense of emptiness. I can't concentrate on the present with my friends. The only escape has been social media and video games! But I feel guilty after playing games. 

Meanwhile, I keep thinking of all the stupid things I did in the past. 

Was coming to the US a dumb decision that 22 year old me made without thinking about the future? Or was I 23? I don't even remember. I have missed the birth of my nephews and nieces. My younger cousin, who was a little kid, is now a teenager. I just feel that I lost so much and gained nothing but anxiety and depression.

Why didn't I visit my ex girlfriend more often during our long distance relationship? Maybe, that would have salvaged the relationship? Or I should've transferred to her universe! Why was I so risk averse? Am I still risk averse? Am I lazy? 

Sylvia Plath's fig tree imagery flashes before my eyes. "I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet."

I feel jaded. I have been really lucky to be honest. Loving parents, supportive family, friends, and financial backing. I have been blessed. And I screwed it up. It's all my fault!