Today is my birthday. It's been a rough year. My cat (who means the world to me) almost died amongst all sorts of other shit. Issues with my birth control caused problems, lost my job, lost my health insurance, and was so run down for months I could barely function. 

I finally started to feel a bit better lately. I had tried to plan a small get together at an event for last Monday, but never felt well enough to really get it set in stone and ended up canceling. Today I tried to just go out and have a good day with my roommate, but I even failed at that. Wasn't the roommate's fault at all...he tried...but the day ended up being more about him than me. I can't even give myself a day FOR myself. I failed at that. How fucking pathetic. 

I just hate my life so much. And I don't really see any hope in it. Most of my "friends" are more like very casual acquaintances. The very few who are real friends are too far away so I can't really spend time with them. The people I know locally...if I didn't talk to them, I doubt I'd hear from them. They care in their own way but I'm not that important to any of them. 

I just really want to stop trying. Not in a suicidal way. I mean yes, there's a little of that thought, but I would never kill myself while my cats are alive anyway. I want to stop getting my hopes up. I spent the last few months at home doing...honestly not much. I'd read shit online. Play video games. Watch TV. Just normal boring things. And I was in such a better state than I am now. When I started feeling better recently I started trying to make plans. I decided to try on my birthday (something I normally avoid because my birthdays have sucked most of my life). And now I want to cancel everything. I used to live in a place where I had a few good friends that I knew wanted to spend time with me and would make the effort. It wasn't this fucking hard and I didn't feel so fucking alone. 

I just feel like I was a lot better off when I wasn't trying. Sure it was boring and kind of pathetic. Yes it could be sad and lonely...but it was like a dull ache where this is a stabbing pain. I want the dull ache back. 

And in a weird way the worst part is knowing that in a few days I may very well start to feel fine again. And I hate it because I know that is exactly when I will start to get my hopes up again and in no time I'll be right back where I am now, crying and wishing I had never tried to celebrate myself because I don't even know how. 