It's been going on for 10 years and that's already more than half my life.

I remember when in 3rd grade my best friend "broke" one of my legos I legitemately jumped him. Not just crying, but hitting to hurt.
Or when I snapped in class and decided to lay on the floor or throw chairs at somebody barely teasing me
When my teacher advised my mom to see a therapist she laughed it off. Fuck you mom.

I remember in 7th grade when depression hit. Had no friends, people asking me why I never smiled, talked or did some weird shit in class. Depression is still very much there.

At 13 I started getting suicidal. When I told my mom "I want to die" she told me it will get better.
It never did.

In high school big ass social anxiety kicked in. I was way more absent than in class. Classmates and teacher asking for my name even by the end of the year. 
Now It's been 3 months since I left my house

My friends want me to live but I'm sure none of them would survive even a single random year of my life.
It's not I'm sad or in "bad times"
I have always lived like this. I have never experienced something else. My whole point of view on life is fucked up. 

Can anyone understand ??