My dogs getting really close to dying and it ended up bringing up other emotions so i want to Just rant, dont really have someone in person to rant to so ima just post it here. i know it’s going to be all over the place but im honestly mostly Just doing this so i can say how i feel to someone even if it’s just strangers on the internet. 
Kinda just noticing how sad and lonely my life is. Mostly cut off most of my family, they’re insanely christian and i cant be myself around them, cant talk how i want, do what i want, and I constantly am beyond stressed that im going to let something slip so I really try to avoid spending time with them.

 I haven’t had a single relationship yet (22) kinda wish i could find someone i can love and care about, kinda hard to do when you dont love or take care of yourself though. I really want a relationship but i don’t want to have to pretend to be happy around a significant other or constantly bring them down if im honest with how i feel. I just want someone who i can love and care for that will do the same and its frustrates me that depression is getting in the way of that.

Honestly tired of my job, im beyond tired of the extra work. Its a small company that’s been constantly understaffed since Covid started and ive been picking up an insane amount of extra work for years. Owners a great guy and has done a lotttttt for me. He dosent make me do the extra work but if i dont the company will probably go under and if i quit it definitely will so kinda a lot of pressure to do it. I like the field and I possibly want it to be my permanent career(by eventually starting my own company) but with almost 2 years of an insane amount of extra work and stress from being understaffed ive burned out. Also haven’t been able to be promoted and work on the other aspects of the field that id need to know to get off my own due to not having the staff to fill my position, again I just feel stuck.

I stopped caring about a lot of the things/people i used to care about which really fucking suck. I feel like ive always been a caring person so to see that fade away from me makes me feel less human, and like im missing a huge chunk of who i am.

I know it may seem dumb but my cars not running. I have a huge passion for cars and my car is my baby. I have put hundreds of hours into working on it, i feel more alive when i drive it, it feels like its one of the few things that actually makes me happy even if its only for a few seconds. Seeing it’s just sitting there with no progress honestly hurts. Kida reminds me of myself in some sad way. I for some reason even ended up buying my first lottery ticket hoping i could get the money to fix it, even though i know damn well im more likely to be struck by lightning than win it. Honestly feel kinda dumb spending $2 on what might as well be a useless receipt paper. I also feel dumb caring more about a fucking car over other things I really should care about.

Lifes honestly been going slightly better the past few days regardless of everything, today its just hitting hard, feeling extra depressed/lonely, kinda just want a hug tbh. Most of society doesn’t care if a mans sad and lonely tho.

To end things on a happier note i have made some improvements in my life.
Ive now brushed my teeth 3 days in a row, seems like a really dumb thing to be proud of but fuck it. 
Ive gone to the gym every other day for a week and a half, literally just now realized i cant drive there again until i fix my car so that sucks but fuck it i have faith that ill keep it up, i used to be in shape years ago and it definitely helped me mentally so i feel like im fairly determined to get back to it, and i told my buddy to make sure he gives me shit if i dont go.

I cleaned my room which is awesome, i can actually see the floor. I feel like ive been sleeping a little better/allergies have been better too since i vacuumed/dusted.

I bought some stuff for the house to make it look slightly less like a bachelor pad which idk i feel like is progress for some reason.

If you made it to the end for some reason maybe try putting something in your life that’s going good in the comments? Idk it may seem dumb but i feel like it helped just slightly