I'm a 19 year old male from southern europe, balkans region. Ever since the 7th grade or so i've been really anxious and pretty depressed on school, i would do anything just to have free days from going there. It was so bad that i'd just wish for things happen just not to go there. One time an earthquake happened here leaving us with 2 weeks free of school and my anxiety washed away. Call me crazy or stupid but i just wanted more things like that to happen just for school to close because of how terrified i was/am of school. Just a short overview that i have been bullied on elementary school grade 7-8 from time to time, i do not know if that's the culprit of my school fear but i do not think so, while these traumas may help more on to my anxieties i think there's more going on.

My mom has pushed me on finishing the classes up to where i am now. I've almost had no friends because of my quiet and mysterious personality but most importantly my social anxiety. Thankfully for me i finished first and second year of high school because of the pandemic and shorter lectures + studying from home. 

So last year (2021) i was a senior (3rd final year). I've had many arguments and fights with mom about school i was just so tired and wanted to give up and eventually i only went like 2 days and the anxiety was extreme, i've noticed that my anxiety increases when people my age are around. In the end i did not go, i dropped out of 3rd year. 

One year i spent it alone at home. Studying about coding, programming and so (This is one of my hobbies i'd say that i can enjoy doing) , i did not have a strong discipline to follow a big bootcamp course where i could hopefully land a job but yeah. 

Almost all schools where i live whether elementary or high school or univesity (Basically the education system on my country is really poorly done) Alot of people who have some money or people abroad, take their kids outside to study because of how hopeless it is here and all the effort you would put it's pointless. Where i live it's a highly corrupted place (maybe on the top list of corrupted countries on the europe continent). However i am not here to explain on what a bad place i'm living but i am seeking help rather.

So yes, a year went away and my anxiety was almost non existent, i mean what anxiety can you have from staying home anyways? I would go out rarely sometimes with very few friends of mine. I have not mentioned that i have a really low self esteem and i am dysmorphic about my appearance too. But anyways a year went away, my friends graduated, it did hurt a little seeing them graduate and i couldn't go because of how big this anxiety monster was eating me, but i do not go hard on myself. I am 19 years and i think i got life ahead to make mistakes and learn from anything. This was on june this year when they graduated.

Summer was going away and i still didn't know what to do, i knew school was coming again but i just pushed thoughts on school away.

Eventually school came, the closer it was the higher the anxiety and stress. I just didn't know what to do anymore and these thoughts were flying on my head: is a high school diploma that important anymore? Is it worth suffering like this in anxiety and stress for one more year just to get graduated for one worthless piece of paper? So i finished then what? I cannot continue further education with this anxiety on my back always. Like i mentioned above education system here is really poor so not trying to talk bad about anyone but i see everyone on these schools as unambitious people not having one purpose just going there for fun. Unfortunately i am not one of them, they laugh and take school easy but for me it's the most terrifying place i can ever be. 

So without analyzing it very much i decided to re register to the same school. The first day i went to school i took some XA\*\*\* just because of how severe my anxiety and panic was. It's the second day that i go, i finished a couple hours ago. I came home extremely exhausted. And ever since i've been to school now i wake up at least 15 times at night just to look at the time and thank god i have some spare hours and minutes to sleep, as if it was the last day of my life and i'm going to be executed.

I had some argument with mom right now and i'm crying as i'm writing this, she said that she accepts my decision and it is not worth suffering like this. She suggests that i follow more programming and computer science courses online and says that it's not the end of the world.

Any support or opinion would be appreciated, Thank you!