Background: 23 years old, diagnosed with BpD at 19. So I’ve been working a job as a care aide for a little over a year now. I’ve had some episodes, just none that have landed me in the hospital. For the most part I have a high-functioning BPD. I only get into arguments with my family, many of which I’m sure have BPD and/or depression as well. 
I went on stress leave because I was getting self-harming thoughts, and negative thoughts towards myself. I decided to go on stress leave, just had to wait for a doctors note. Before I went on stress leave I was late with my medication for my ankylosing spondylitis. I had to contact 2 pharmacies. I also called an ambulance for my brother the same day because he was going into keto-acidosis. This happened all in the same day and I still had to work because of staff shortage.
Now I’m on stress leave, and my brother is still in ICU but is recovering. 


I find myself stressed by day to day things and I get so mad at myself for being overwhelmed. Cooking, every little things makes me mad. Cleaning as well and grocery shopping. I’ve been trying to be more productive, exercise, eat healthy, quit vaping nicotine and weed. I lose stuff, drop stuff, run late and hurt myself accidentally all the time. When my family asks what’s wrong I get mad at them because I have to explain what I’m mad about in the first place. Sometimes I have to repeat myself up to 3 times. Now I just yell “leave me alone!”

Every little setback when I’m trying to do tasks makes me feel like I hate my messy home, my family, and myself. Yesterday I cried bc I’m trying to cook, my cat won’t get off the counter, the sink and floor was disgusting, everything’s inaccessible, I stubbed my toe, and dropped a lid in raw chicken. 

A funny scenario in retrospect. In the moment though, I just break down, push people away, and draw all of it towards self hate. I have 2/3 weeks left, no counselling or therapy that’s actually available, and I’m seeing a psychiatrist Jan 31 next year. 

I’ve been thinking for a long time now that I may have ADHD as well. I’m nervous to bring it up but if I do have ADHD and receive treatment, I know in the long run I’ll have a better quality of life.