Hello,

I don’t know how long I’ll leave this post up because the person in question follows me on this account, but I need to vent and maybe find some guidance.

Is it possible to lose feeling for your FP? Especially when they’re your partner? Ever since a few weeks ago, when the breaking point event happened, I’ve just felt so… numb. I’m not going to sit here and make myself seem like a victim. I’m a horrible, abusive, pitiful person and I deserve everything bad that happens to me. But can I just say…

Constantly being spoken to in a condescending way, called an “idiot” when I get something wrong—even if it’s just meant as an innocent passing comment—only feeling truly cared about when I’m age regressing, which happens less and less nowadays, only feeling accepted when I’m in complete agreement with their opinion and being talked down to, belittled and called stupid when I’m not, made to feel bad about having boundaries with my own body and pressured to do things I’ve said “no” to a million times because they’re bored of doing what I *am* comfortable with, constantly fighting tooth and nail to be valued more than their video games and/or TV shows, belittled and called a faker when I cry and break down and being chastised and verbally torn apart while I’m balled up on the floor and can’t even breathe because I’m crying so hard…

All of this has pushed me into a dark place. I’ve started downing handfuls of pain pills again in an attempt to ease my broken heart, I’m on the brink of cutting again, my ED brain is coming back because I’d rather feel the comfort of starvation and at the same time know I’m punishing myself for being the horrible person that I am rather than feel the way I do. Also being skinnier will make me prettier and maybe my FP will love me more.

I moved all the way from Oregon to Kentucky to be with them. This was a little over two years ago. They’re coming with me on the 7th of September back to Oregon. The process of actually convincing them to come with me did a number on my mental health alone, and I was made to feel like an absolute monster the entire step of the way. I’m not saying I’m not a monster, because I know I am.

There’s no love anymore. All there is that ties me to them now is their dad, who I love dearly with all my heart, the memories, and the fear of being alone. I’m holding on to a figment of the past and I feel like I don’t even know the person they are now. I look at them and I don’t see someone who loves me, and likely vice versa. I look at them and I’m afraid.

I know everyone’s answer is going to tell me to leave them and move on. You’re probably going to tell me that I should just move back to Oregon on my own and that it’d be a great opportunity to start over by myself. I know. It’s what I’ve been telling myself since a few weeks ago. But I don’t think I’m strong enough. I think it’d be easier to just be miserable with this person rather than deal with the pain of letting go.

Is this what falling out of love feels like?