I (22F) have been dating my boyfriend (27M) for almost a year now. We both love each other very much but this is the first serious relationship I've had and I'm not sure how I'm doing. I've been seeing a therapist on/off for over a year now since getting diagnosed, and most of my life before being diagnosed too. My therapist is pretty vocal about the fact that I've made a lot of progress since starting our sessions. I agree with her, but there are times in my relationship where I feel like every time I take a step forward it feels like I fall back.

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 I am having a hard time keeping a healthy amount of distance from my boyfriend without getting angry with him. I try not to voice this anger because I know it's not fair to force him or guilt him into being with me every time I want. I am so scared that if we aren't hanging out all the time, he's going to leave. Every time I think about it, I cry. I have expressed to him that it feels like he doesn't want me around sometimes and he told me he just needs space for himself sometimes. I have no idea how to not take this personally. The abandonment issues that BPD comes with has been the biggest obstacle I've faced with this personality disorder. I've lost friends because of it, I've ended relationships because of it, and I'm tired of repeating these patterns of being so scared of being left that I eventually just ruin everything and end up suicidal. I get really sad when I want to have sex and he doesn't. I feel rejected and unattractive. I am scared he'll leave if I don't have sex with him whenever he wants to, though, so even if I'm not in the mood I'll do it anyway. I don't think I've ever brought this up to him. 

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I do have times where I split on him. One day he's the best thing that's ever happened to me and I'm so in love with him, the next day I hate him and I never want to see him again. I've never told him when I split on him though because I'm scared of hurting his feelings if I tell him this happens to me sometimes. I know he cares about me and I dont want to hurt him. I'm terrified one day it will build up and I'll tell him I hate him. Being quiet about when I start to split on people is something I pride myself on because it's hard to keep that to yourself when you have BPD, but I hate that this happens at all. 

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I guess I don't know how to handle it. I've never been in a healthy relationship before and I don't want to fuck it up because I want a future with him. Every other relationship I've been in has been shortlived and toxic on both ends. I'm really trying here but I feel like there's just something I'm not getting. I don't know how to let him have his own space without feeling hurt. Has anyone else found a way to handle this? I don't know how to be by myself for a few days at a time and not feel unwanted and unloved. I don't know how to say no when I'm not in the mood. I am terrified that I have to be there for him always otherwise he'll leave but if he wants his space, then i don't know what to do with myself. Has anyone else been through this and found something that works to help them?