I don't want to live forever, I don't want to live much longer than I already have and frankly I would not be upset if it were over tomorrow. But I am coming to realize that the escape plan that once comforted me is fundamentally flawed. Biology drives us to live and I am no exception, biology drives me to live even past my conscious desire. 

Its something I've thought about in detail, the how, what and when. But whenever I think of the moment it would happen, when I think of pulling the trigger or otherwise ending it, I know I wouldn't be able to, that fear would hold me back. 

And that is the most terrifying thing. To know I have no control over even my ability to escape this life. I will keep living, though I've long lost the desire. I am a prisoner in my own skin and I will serve a life sentence.