I know exactly what I should be doing but then I end up not doing anything. I know doing them will lessen my stress and allow my mind to flow more freely but I just end up escaping to safe places in my mind and doing what's comfortable in the end.

My life is a wreck now: I can be deported if I don't solve my documentation problem, I can be fired if I don't work, I gotta pay for my tuition but I don't even know if I'll have enough money to pay for my bills and my ex keeps popping in my mind but there's no chance that we could be back together and be happy.

The stress is so much that drains me and leaves me with few energies to do what I should be doing. I can't eat, I can sleep but I always wake up early thinking about my ex and wanting to vomit. In fact, I've been vomiting almost every day right after I clock in.

I just spend all day browsing reddit, mindlessly. I recoil in my mind, numb, and I just wish that I could have an entire year to rest. 

When I meditate, all I feel is pain. I spend hours feeling pain, and running away from some thoughts that I don't feel strong enough to think about. I shouldn't run away from them and I know that I would feel much better after I sort it out but it feels like it's going to be too much.

I've been living my life in automatic mode and it feels like my mind is a tameless monster driven by pleasure and running away from pain. I'm a coward, I'm weak.

Sometimes there are moments that I can see everything clearly, everything looks easy and simple... but they're fleeting.

I just hope there was an easy way out, but the easiest solution is always the same and I won't even bother to say what it is because you know exactly what it is. 

I just hope there was some hope.