Please don’t take this as me looking for a diagnosis! I’m only trying to see if maybe I might have similarities. Okay? Great. 

So suicidal threats and extended silences  have always been a huge no for me in relationships. The former definitely should, and the latter is questionable, I agree. But I am this way, because I had a boyfriend die by suicide and his goodbye was through text. Another boyfriend (years later, my first serious one after the deceased) wouldn’t let me leave the relationship and he attempted suicide to keep me around. Twice. 

I started to heal from the first one, began to feel “normal” but the second one had really fucked met up. The first said goodbye cryptically over text, and obviously a long,  everlasting silence ensued. The second did the same, and I now panic when I don’t hear from my fiancé if he goes out.

It’s less the assumption he’s going to kill himself, more that death is random and life isn’t fair. This became super apparent to me last night. His phone died while out with friends and I had it in my head that he got into an accident. It was definitely “perceived abandonment” mixed with delusion, on steroids. I was a mess all day at work, and kept having visions of him dead in a casket and replaying our last interaction over and over in my brain. 

I can’t stand people who can’t communicate, and I don’t know if that’s more a preference or an underlying symptom. I couldn’t stand people who made jokes about dying, as I would envision them in a casket or hospital room like my aforementioned former partners. It would usually trigger a panic attack and I can’t smell flowers anymore, as they remind me of bad times as well. 

I don’t think this is full blown PTSD but it has definitely affected any relationship after. I feel so panicky when I’m unsure of the general idea of where my spouse might be, I instantly think they died. 

Does anyone else struggle with this? Or something similar? 