Hey everyone. So I have suffered from anxiety, depression, etc... Until I was diagnosed with BPD/HPD. You can read post history that shares the trauma that likely caused it, but that's not what this is about. 

I am hypersexual. To the point that I crave attention to an unreasonable degree. As a teen, I would dress to show off the goods that I was very thankfully blessed with. I never wore make up and bragged about it because I am naturally very pretty (I am mentioning this only because it's important, not because I'm cocky. It's only ever hurt me more that I'm pretty). 

Because of that, I love to show my body. I used to post on gone wild subs (with husband taking the pics!) Because he thought that would satiate me. I gave up on that when the mods got salty. 

But I then craved more. I craved people to fall for me. I craved people to have crushes on me, even though I never dreamed about (and DO NOT WANT TO) leave my husband. But I was stupid. 

He loves me so much. He gave me everything. We were always honest. And we are... But I wasn't about this. And it was a lot. I've kissed others (he was aware of circumstances, but not about what actually happened). I sent nude pics and vids that even have my face. I did all of this and lied. I hid it because I KNEW it was wrong yet I kept doing it. It was like an addiction; I couldn't stop. 

I would feel so much guilt after it... And then do it again. I've hurt him for YEARS. It came to a head two days ago when I basically got caught and he gave me the chance to come clean about everything. 

We have been married for three years, together for 6. I am 25 and he is 28, so we have spend a BIG chunk of our lives together. And it's so good. Our relationship was soooo good. 

I've always been in toxic relationships before, and think I am self sabotaging because I'm not in one right now. Because I am actually happy, I some reason subconsciously want to ruin it? 

I don't want a divorce. I love him. I am starting to take every step to get better. I'm not religious so I'm looking to find a secular "church" to help improve me as a person. I am trying to find a therapist that will be helpful (I never found one that clicked before, but I also never had a true goal before this). 

Has anyone ever been in a situation like this and come out successful? I don't want to lose my husband. I love him too much (even though my actions CLEARLY don't show it). 

Thank you for reading my vent.