Health anxiety, depression and anxiety are ruining my life and everything I've worked for. 

I've had depression for as long as I can remember. I used to think that I understood depression and anxiety. The last three months have shown me that I had it easier before. I never thought that I could be so crippled and debilitated by thoughts. I didn't think that it would stop me from being able to leave my home or go to work. 

I landed my dream job that I've worked hard to achieve over the last ten years and at the age of 29 I achieved it, then less than 10 months later I have some sort of breakdown at work. I've now been off work for three months and it's been exhausting. I've tried pushing myself, giving myself rest, different antidepressants, anti-anxiety medication, therapy, self-help, routine, healthy eating, exercise, opening up. None of it is making a dent in the way I feel. The thought of going to work throws me into a state of pure exhaustion and unease. The thought of having to leave my house to go to outside, even if only for a few minutes is something I need to work myself up to and if I just decide to go with the flow and just do it, my body rejects it and literally brings me to my knees with overwhelming fear and exhaustion. 

I've never been anywhere close to this. I've always been slightly introverted and enjoyed my own company, enjoyed trying new things, going out, driving ridiculous distances to do something, but now I can't even get in my car for more than a few minutes without pure panic setting in. 

My OCD and health anxiety has decided that I have epilepsy and that I'm just waiting to have some sort of seizure. I believe this is largely driving my anxiety. When I'm not obsessing about epilepsy, I'm obsessing about fainting or passing out. I have the most ridiculous "safety" behaviours. If I even feel the tiniest but "off" I the proceed to drink a lot of water to make sure I'm not dehydrated, I then eat something sugary because I think I'm hypoglycemic, then I take a multivitamin because I think my vitamin levels are low, then I'll rest because I think I'm sleep deprived and that I'll pass out. It's a ridiculously stupid cycle of rituals that my brain believe is protecting me from something that doesn't exist but it's robbing me of any and all energy that I have to fight against this. 

I'm in a losing battle with myself and I can't pick myself up to be become a functioning member of society again, no matter how badly I want to go to work, enjoy things and to be who I used to be. I'm so inward that it's selfish and I'm missing out on being there for my family and others despite how hard I try.

I'm becoming an insufferable burden and I can see how draining it is for people trying to help me that nothings working.