**Let me start by saying I am so sorry for the length. I'm at my wits end and don't know what to do or where to turn.**

To lead and keep the suspense at bay - the conversation with our previous couples counselor was this: "I think your husband has BPD."

This conversation took place in a 1:1 session and I was, and am still, unaware if the counselor ever shared this with my husband. I have not. Conveniently, we were in counseling at the time as we was having frequent and intense emotional and physical outbursts, consistently if not always abusive behavior.

At the time this looked like innocuous things such as yelling, door slamming, or handling objects very "heavily." In the more heightened moments this looked like posturing and intimidation, name calling, fuck off's, fuck you's, "I can't stand you/your mind/this *thing* about your character," and in extreme moments this looked like physical abuse. The physical abuse ranged from blocking my path, throwing pillows at me, ripping off an article of clothing as he held me back from trying to leave, hitting parts of my body, damaging my/our things, and even escalating to hitting me in the head with a pillow while calling me a "piece of shit," threatening to put me out of the car on vacation and when I tried to leave holding me in by my clothing, etc.

In short, I feel I've been the target of several draining cycles of idealization/devaluation. Each of these episodes were followed by strong feelings of shame, guilt, and asking me to not "love him less." He often speaks of his fear of abandonment and being alone. He struggles to maintain friendships and close relationships as they become "work" and he stops showing up for them. There's more - I just can't recall at the moment.

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Fast forward to now.

The last two years have been wonderful. While I'm not certain he has ever been told anything about the potential diagnosis, he has been in counseling and everything has improved ten fold. Our relationship has difficulties, sure, and we have been in couples counseling to improve communication. We have been trying for a family.

Here's where things begin to spiral. He works in a school system and thus experiences frequent shifts in coworkers/rotation of people he is with each day. At the beginning of the month he returned to work from summer break. There's new administration at work this year and they are powerful, passionate, and driven - great at making change on local and statewide levels. They are admirable. His boss, in particular.

As these few weeks have unfolded he has become increasingly distant. Less touch, less intimacy, no sex. Last weekend he was out Thursday night, Friday night, and on Saturday night told me he no longer wanted to try for children and was unsure if he wanted to be in the relationship. As I said - we have issues as any long term relationship does, but we have been actively working on these. Given our relationship until this point, to say I was SHOCKED is an understatement.

Since Saturday I have been feeling lost and trying to understand, but nearly every conversation I attempt to start is shut down because he either "doesn't have space to talk about such heavy things and needs a break" or he "can't be around me when I'm this emotional," I'm "draining his energy, or he "just wants a moment of peace in his own home." I asked him to understand that dropping a bomb on someone like that leaves them with a very strong hurt and I'm trying to understand/help our marriage.

What I have gathered from him so far is this:

He might need to be alone to "come home to himself" or "find himself" because he's never done this and doesn't know who he is

He is terrified of being alone

He has told me I have little or no ambition, am rigid, he is "tired of having to answer to me" aka let me know if he's going to be late getting home from events/work, among other things. I feel these are all comparisons to a potential new favorite person.

Just a month ago he was saying the exact opposite things, doting on me, telling me how thankful he his to experience this life with me, and how much he appreciates the support I give and person I am.

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Yesterday we had couples counseling. Before going in he was cold and a little distant, texting his boss from work on the way in. After counseling, he was warm, caring, and slowed down to hear me/let me feel without interruption or judgement. I told him I want to find a way to help him grow and learn these things about himself within our marriage and I'm committed to whatever that means.

When we got home, I made dinner and we sat together at the table. He talked at length about **his boss** who is simply amazing. For maybe 10-15 minutes. Things like he is fortunate to work under her and will learn so much that he can be as good as her one day. He wants to spend as much time wither her as he can for this reason. He can "translate her thoughts," in a professional sense and their brains just work so well together. He knows that together they can move mountains, do anything, make huge impacts on education.

He's been staying late at work (very uncharacteristic, usually leaves early) because he "is tired of leaving because he should" and wants to work until he feels "work is done." He no longer texts me from work and becomes annoyed if I text him.

After dinner he became distant again. In his phone. Texting. Taking photos of his beer. No longer present with me. He asked a question from a different room and I walked in to respond, stayed after without talking and he seemed perturbed about why I was "just standing and staring at him." He went into our bourbon room (we collect) upstairs and was standing in the middle. I walked in and sat down and he didn't seem to like that. He was taking photos of the bourbon to send to his boss. Still texting. I tried to bring up counseling and some thoughts I was having over dinner and was met with what felt like contempt. That's when he hit me with the "just a moment of peace in my own home."

I said fuck it, went to bed. Work up at 3:30 this morning to him on his phone with their text thread open, saw him text what I think was an "are you up?" at 3:45-4 ish. To his boss. Whom I am now suspicious of. Who I believe he is staying up to 3 hours after work to spend time with.

**What should I do?**

**Do I mention the BPD concerns in counseling?**

**Do I call the counselor and figure out how to bring it up?**

**Are these concerns warranted?**

I'm lost, I don't want to invalidate him if he truly is where he says he is, but I can't shake the feeling that he is, in fact, idealizing someone else/obsessing over them to the extent that he's comparing/devaluing me and questioning our marriage. Really don't want to sound crazy by saying all this though if I'm totally in left field.

Help?