  

Hi,

I need help to solve this ongoing anxiety. It all started at the age of 25, I’m 30 now. I lost self my confidence and was very anxious to talk in front of people, classmates. Weirdly enough, I never was shy and I have no issues approaching people or talking 1 to 1 or even a group of small people in a spontaneous way. I have also nothing physically odd to be insecure about and consider myself good looking and I’m 6”2.

During my first 2 years at University (age 23-25) I gave a few presentations to my classmates and I liked it. I didn’t even know what anxiety means. Me?? Shy? Lol. 

But things changed at the age of 25, on a few occasions I was noticeably anxious in front of my classmates and I also got that feedback from my teacher, but no help or tips were offered. From there it got worse.

On my first job, I was very nervous at the round tables when introducing myself. Weirdly enough, before the introductions I could chit chat with everyone with no fear at all. But when the introductions started clockwise, I felt my heart rate increase when my turn came closer and closer. I’d stutter and my senior colleague helped me out once by adding additional comments to my introduction. 

I was devastated after. Had no clue how to fix this and things got worse.

2 years later I joined a consultancy firm with fierce competition between employees. They were all in my age. I still work there but refrained from giving presentations in front of them about myself or my projects. 1 time I couldn’t get around it, but it went OK-ish even though I’m sure they could see I was nervous.

So, I joined Toastmasters, this must solve my anxieties I thought. It partly did, even there I felt anxious to give my speech in front of the alike members but after a while I got familiar with the them and I started to progress my public speaking skills. Learning how to take pauses in my speech and move around the podium etc. 

My anxieties got less, and self-confidence started to restore. But here’s an interesting detail: 

We were all forced to work form home because of COVID19 and moved to online conferences. Toastmasters too. Yet at 2 occasions so far, where I had to lead a kick-off meeting with new people, I started to stutter and felt very very nervous … with the webcams disabled for all participants including myself. No one could see me and I didn’t see them! They even never even saw me before. They couldn’t even see my fingers are shaking from stress! Yet, I had a complete blackout from what I wanted to say. I faked my doorbell was ringing so I had 30 seconds to regain myself and I could continue OK-ish after. Yet my brain was constantly checking: am I nervous, am I nervous? Like a PC that is running at 90%, all the apps start to run slow and sluggish. So did I speak.

Now, I do dozens of meetings a week where I have to speak, present or to explain stuff to my client or colleagues. But I know them, I had many interactions with them already so I’m confident. 

But sometimes I must participate in a meeting of for e.g. my manager. When I am there on the backseat and he calls my name to elaborate a bit on something, everything is fine. But when he tells me, tomorrow I will ask you to explain this or that slide, I feel I’m going to be thrown in front of the lions when he calls my name, again, with a webcam off in my own f\* room. It’s ridiculous. It makes no sense… absolutely no sense. It’s even hilarious. 

Now I’m sure, the next time I will feel completely fine in this same meeting but I cannot continue having anxieties when the territory is unknown. I cannot live life like that.

So to summarize. I’m anxious even behind my own laptop in my own room with a webcam turned off when I have to speak to a bunch of unknown people about details I’m even comfortable about when the meeting is planned before. If I’m there with no defined role, I have no anxieties when I’m randomly asked to add additional details.

So we can more or less rule out it’s just being anxious about standing in front of people. 

And again, I’m very comfortable with people. People don’t think I’m weird and they also approach me in public spaces or start a chat with me in public spaces. I’m a social person and you know what… I’m confident in talking to women and never had difficulties dating and flirting with women.

I also have never been bullied. All I can think of is that I lived a bit of an introvert and solitary life until the age of 25 and started with girls around 20-23. But that cannot be the root cause. It must be a psychological issue that my brain created and maintains for no reason. 

Please help. Thanks!