

I hadn’t cried in almost 2 years. But these last 3 months have been really hard. I’ve been feeling really guilty of past decisions, struggling with the passing of time, my cat I’ve had since as long as I can remember has lung cancer, and I’m overall just having a really hard time with life. 
I know they say to “forget about it” “what’s done is done” and all that, but I can’t help but feeling horrible for the colossal(in my eyes) mistakes I’ve made in the past. Bad memories constantly flood my head and I hate it. 
I remember going out and hanging out with my family. I haven’t done anything like that with them in years. Especially my mom, I feel like she doesn’t even listen when I try to talk with her. 
This really sent me spiraling down. I cannot remember a time I’ve not been able to hold and hug my cat. But unfortunately we learned she has lung cancer, and has about a month to live. I really struggle with loss, mainly guilt tied to it. I feel like there’s always something I could’ve done. Be it earlier recognition or doing more for them in their final days. 
I love both of my great grandparents on my moms side in a matter of months. A lot of my earliest memories are playing card games with them. I spent a lot of time with my great grandma after after pa passed. I remember her crying telling me she wanted to die. At the time that was really hard to hear. 
 Since highschool I’ve felt so alone. A lot of my “friends” don’t even respond when I text anymore. I feel forgotten
I find myself crying weekly now. I feel so weak. I put on a strong image, try my hardest in college, and hang with the few friends I have as much as I can. But I just feel alone. I don’t know where to go. I tried to find some solace on the internet but just seem to get shit on for sharing my opinions. I’m struggling, I know I should probably get professional help, but I don’t have the money