hi, so ive debated on posting something on here for a while but i've finally gotten to the point where maybe just getting advice or having support from someone will help me to feel a bit better about the current situation. 

a lot of things in my life have recently changed, i (f21) moved back home after being gone for a year and a half, left all of my friends, had to start a new job (which is proving to not be what i thought it would be) and on top of these things there comes the family issues, the financial issues and also my FP issues. 

it seems that with all this going on i am seeking comfort now more than ever in someone who i can be close to, and i have an issue with opening up to people and the only person who really knows me is my ex and FP. (f24 and doesn't have bpd). our relationship has been rocky for a long time not only due to my bpd but combined with all the personal issues we have both experienced its not been easy on either of us but we still find comfort with eachother. 

she has told me she does not want to be in relationship with me or with anyone right now and i completely respect that but i have these immense feelings of loneliness thinking about it and almost jealousy thinking about anyone who gets to spend time with her or gets her attention and that isnt fair. i dont let myself express these feelings to her but i just wish i could break feeling like this because it just feels like its been weighing me down so much. we are still really good friends and shes helped me and supported me when i needed it and right now i do feel like i need it, but how can i find the balance? 

i cant stop loving her in the way i always have but want to make this friendship work, i have trouble with making things seem like more than they are (ex: thinking shes flirting with me, when she definitely probably isnt). ive tried to start talking to new people to make more friends and see where things can go but i find a lot of times things dont work out and it makes me feel unlikeable and makes me want to give up trying. 

i know a lot of my issues would be helped with therapy but im currently not in the situation to be able to afford that or have easy access to it. 

just wishing i could make this easier on everyone :/