I am diagnosed with ADHD, OCD, and in the last couple years, ultimately BPD. It's been 3 years since my breakup with a girl I was with for 3 years as well as engaged to, and after a year of breaking down and incessantly calling and talking to them, I finally tried to let them go.

Flash to today, 2 years of no contact. Last time I saw them it was in a supermarket parking lot. I haven't called, written, or even 'cyber stalked' I just recently opened a Facebook account strictly for my hobby of racing and my freelance art. 

Tomorrow is their birthday. I dread it every year. I almost forgot about it, and then today a bunch of mail came with their name on it. Boom. Now my only choice is to get mind blowingly high. 

I have a new SO. They know the story, they know my condition, and they choose to stay and help me. But I feel like such an asshole for having no control sometimes. I spiral into a BPD anxiety and think if I call the old lover, and somehow get forgiveness, I can feel better as a person. But logically, I know it'll trigger me even more.

Anyone ever have this much luck maintaining a no contact, but just deal with the emotional shredding as best you can? Am I doing this for the sake of the other person in some convoluted mirage thinking I'm helping them??

Not sure what to do. No contact is the logical, adult way to handle this. But I have been unable to truly move on with my emotional life. :/