Childhood was bad.I was fat,dirt poor and a loner.When i was 6 my parents divorced and left me with my grandparents. My perspective on their divorce was i had 3 places i could go to at any time(Hell yeah!)Yet the guy that went to class with me had that happened to him and he became a pothead and spent some time.When i started grade school i was bullied for being fat and dirt poor from everyone both mentally and physically.Yet somehow i was so oblivious to it i didn't even know i was bullied. I only figured that out few weeks back when visiting my grandpa and told me how everyone was picking on me and that i often came home with bruises.When i realized it was true i was shook. I honestly thought we were just roughhousing yet a girl who was getting picked on moved to other city the next week. When I got to high school i moved to mom's place in another city where i spent my high school days going to school and playing games.I didn't even sleep unless i literally fell asleep cuz games were so much fun i couldn't bring myself to stop but because of that i also became completely antisocial and had literally 0 friends. About than my mom also got into a relationship with a very abusive guy who was really abusive to her even though he would always lose cuz he was about 40 kilos lighter than my mom but the mental abuse was still there cuz he was very narcissistic and control freak.I noticed it but the games were too much fun to focus on the fact that i share a house with narcissistic as*hole to actually be bothered by it. In school i wasn't bullied per se but avoided like i was a walking plaque because i got a hard on once in my PE class in a very VERY bad timing so making friends in school became impossible. On the start of my last year of high school it just came to me that i don't have any friends and that i would like to have a girlfriend. So i started to literally walk up to girls on the middle of the street COMPLETELY SOBER(for some reason sober part was complete and utter shock to the friends that i made in the meantime) and without any anxiety or shame and actually managed to find myself a really sweet and innocent girl with which i was in relationship for 4 years before she broke up with me. When we broke up i wasn't really sad about it i was just kinda lost cuz i spent majority of my time with her and than i had to pick up new habits. The only time i ever really felt bad about something was when I got myself blackout drunk and got raped by a girl and i didn't feel bad because of rape but because i felt like i cheated on my girlfriend even though i didn't give consent.When i started college right on the summer vacation between high school and college my mom got into a very heavy motorcycle accident and literally split her face in half because of poor quality helmet.She forgot she had a son or family. So there i was.18 year old. Mom in hospital with chances of her dying being 50/50 (she survived) recently heartbroken and dirt poor again.Yet i pulled through,started working and passed all my exams like absolutely nothing is wrong with my life.But the problem was i wasn't acting like it i actually felt like nothing was wrong even though EVERYTHING WAS SUPPOSED TO BE WRONG AND HEARTBREAKING AND NERVE WRACKING. Yet i just woke up with the thought in my head "welp,the Sun is still shining,the Earth is still rotating and I'm still breathing air,i guess nothing changed..."and just went on with my day. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? Did god remove centers for bad sh*t out of my brain or something?I wouldn't even ask this here if there wasn't for my new GF-s mom who is a psychiatrist and even she was puzzled by the way i act considering well... everything.