My FP and I have a lot of history. Around 7 years ago we started an on-again-off-again whirlwind of casual sex. It lasted for about a year, then I moved away and removed him from every outlet in my life. I moved back to the area 4 years ago. We have some mutual friends, and at the beginning of May this year one of them made it known that FP was asking about me. I readded him on social media, and we started talking again. He said that he was just doing the "single thing" at the moment but would be open to getting reaccquainted. Some flirty messages were sent (by both of us), things were exciting and our old chemistry could be felt again even through text/phone call/snapchat. I warned him that I was falling  hard and fast and he said (literally his words) "I promise to do my best to catch you.".

As of lately (the past two weeks?) he has started to pull away. Less messages sent. More "read" but not replied. No more flirting. No phone calls unless I asked for one. Cue "intense fear of abandonment"... I tried my best to stay calm and keep telling myself it was just my anxiety and that everything was fine. I flat out asked him last week if there was any chance that we would ever be a "we". He said "I'm not saying never but right now I'm trying to keep things in my life light and open and causal. It's not that I wouldn't want to see you or keep talking, I just don't want to be tied down so soon after my last serious relationship". (Back story: His ex had his baby Fall 2017. He was stillborn. They broke up in Spring 2018.) At first this freaked me out, reminding me of the torture I put myself through the first time with the whole "casual" thing. Then I thought about it and realized I understood where he was coming from. I told him it was all good and that I was on the same page. 

The pulling away hasn't stopped since then. We've barely spoken in the past 4 days. We spoke this morning, and he went over the whole keeping it casual thing and was honest and told me that I've been acting a little too intensely. I said I would try to tone it down, tried explaining things from a BPD standpoint (he knows I have it but I don't think he fully understands it). He said he would try to be more understg anding. I'm crazy about this guy and I don't want to push him away.

I always screw things up and feel too much and misread emotional intensities in situations. I'm sick of it. I'm about halfway through a DBT program and some of the skills have been helpful but it's all just so exhausting. Why can't I be one of the people that feels appropriate emotions? Why do I have to recognize a triggering situation, stop myself from freaking out, and then pull out a binder full of tips and tricks on how to react appropriately and go from there? Feeling very fed up with my own brain and starting to wish I had never been born. 

TLDR; FP back in my life, I got overly emotonal (excited/attached) and scared him off. Feeling tired of having to work so hard to be "normal".