 (Posted in another subreddit, not sure which is more appropriate..)  


TRIGGER WARNING : I will be talking about SH scars, but no graphic details or anything more. Please read with caution!

Here's some important information for the rest of the post ;  
I have been a selective mute for years due to my social anxiety. I used to get mocked and bullied whenever I attempted to speak because it was followed by an anxiety attack, which has caused me to shut in almost completely.

2 years ago, I started playing video games on discord and met some people whom I felt more comfortable with when using my voice. I used to get hoarse all the time but things are way better and I'm actually known as the most talkative friend! Of course, this is still limited to online conversations but I think I'm getting better.

My boyfriend and I got together about 4 months ago. I already knew that he was into partying after now and then since it's common for others our age and in our area. There is a party at the lake and park every Friday that is basically overrun by teens and university students. At first, he invited me to parties every time he got the occasion but things took a turn about 2 months ago.

I was walking over to his house, which was right next to the school he goes to, when I saw some of his friends that I recognized from his Instagram posts. They wave to me and I wave back - but then they start snickering. I felt really insecure since this wasn't the first time this has happened - and hanging out with him and his friends became increasingly difficult after the first party since they didn't seem too happy with having me around and apparently thought that my anxiety was funny (my boyfriend said so, at least.)

When I found him, I was hyperventilating and in tears. It took about an hour of calming me down before I could explain the situation to him. He said that his friends were assholes and that he already scolded them about it before but couldn't do much else beyond then. Here's the beginning of where I'm going to need some advice .. I started feeling really bad. I felt so conflicted because one side of me said that he could have done more to prevent it since it's a sensitive topic for me, but the other side tells me that I'm being stupid and irrational - what more could he even do?

From then on, he stopped inviting me to parties and started going alone and when he goes, he sleeps there for the night. It was fine until he started sleeping at girls' houses and I started feeling insecure.

"Oh, he's not inviting me anymore because I'm no fun." "My social anxiety is ruining things again.." "His friends don't think I'm fun." etc. I tried speaking to him about this but he seemed to ignore it. Trying to reassure me by telling me that he wouldn't cheat on me when that wasn't even the point. I tried to bring it up again to make sure it was clear but he just didn't say anything after that and we continued like nothing happened.

(I also struggle with self harm and my arms are very scarred. He told me the other day that if I hurt myself again, he would break up with me, and I just broke down crying. Ah - I'm alone again, I thought. He tried to take it back when I expressed my feelings about it but it just feels like it's too late and the damage is done.)

Today, he went to a party. Called me at around 9:40 PM. I was surprised since he never calls me this early in to a party (or at all, to be honest.)

I pick up and I hear him crying, telling me how much he misses me, tells me he is drunk and telling me other things that made me feel a little more secure in our relationship. Saying that I'm the only one he wants, etc. He drunkenly tells me about how his friends keep trying to set him up with other girls, telling him that he shouldn't be with me. This really broke my heart. I already knew that his friends didn't approve of our relationship from the beginning, I read their messages about how he shouldn't be with someone who is mentally fucked.. But this really hurt on a new level.

He reassured me that everything is fine and that he would never listen to them, asks me if he can sleep over since he misses me so much. I immediately say yes.

I wait. I wait. 1 hour later.

"I'll be there soon, C is throwing up and I need to help him." Ok, no problem. Stay safe!

1 hour later, again.

"Sorry, I ended up taking C home. G is also feeling sick from the alcohol, so N and I are helping out." Oh. Okay, no problem.

It's 1:55 AM as I'm typing this and he JUST left. I know that I'm the asshole for thinking he shouldn't have kept me waiting so long.. After all, he's just helping his friends, right? I feel so guilty but I also feel so abandoned and sad..? My feelings are conflicting and causing a huge wave of just.. pain washing over me, I guess. Please, I just need someone to listen and explain why I'm feeling the way I do and why I'm being like this. I'm such a dick..