I hate this commitment to being healthy. Not smoking, not drinking, eating enough fruits and veggies and trying to make good decisions. What the fuck does any of this self actualization matter when I gave everything I had to be with someone, and I swear to you, I was supposed to be with this person, and I wish I could be suicidal again, but they made me want to be alive.

I don't want this. I want to feel nothing again. Please, anything but this loss. It's too much and everything was too perfect and I know I'm crazy and everyone says that when they're crazy, but you didn't know us. 

I want to know how long it will be before I stop talking to trees, and feeling emotionally close with plants or inanimate objects. I want to know why I trusted anyone or why in the fuck I would ever want to do that again. What am I supposed to do now?

I got turned down for disability. haven't been able to work more than four hours a week because I keep getting sick. I have other disorders on top of this.

and I thought I'd found someone that I could share this life with. I tried to make it as good of a life as I could to share with someone. and he said it was my fault, so now I'm afraid to go around anyone. I fucking hate this. I have to look at the holes that he hit in my door every day and he said that he wants me to remember he's sorry. And I try to hold on to whatever that was because everyone is treating me like I've been abused, but they don't know that I don't mean to, but people around me get crazier. And I don't want them to. So I can't be around people. I used to at least always have an out when I was suicidal, that at least I could rid the planet of me, but now I don't have that as a fallback and I can't stand this.