This is going to be long so apologies for all the reading. I just need to get this out there. I don’t know what else to do at this point so here I am. 

I don’t think I’ll ever understand the “it will get better” phrase people always say. I tried to kill myself last year and failed. Before I tried I pushed people away and completely lost a friend that meant the world to me. My life has felt like it’s in shambles since. Trying to repair friendships while also trying to recover from the trauma of my attempt was extremely difficult time for me. I had mandatory check-ins, mandatory therapy, friends upset that I pushed them away, one friend who didn’t even know what happened and it took me almost 5 months to tell him and I didn’t even say it to his face(this one kills me the most bc we still don’t talk to this day. I’ll talk more about him later). On top of all this, my family just turned into a joke. Instead of being supportive or understanding, they just turned it into a huge joke. I got called “suicide girl” regularly and it still gets brought up now. I struggle with anorexic tendencies and I would go days without eating then I would force myself to eat by charting and the friends I still had would help me by eating with me or asking what I ate that day. My family just insults my appearance or make fun of how I eat, what I eat, how much I eat, etc. It doesn’t matter what I do or how I do it, I get made fun of or insulted. Oh you have car problems? Well you shouldn’t have done this or that. Oh your money got stolen? Well you shouldn’t be carrying cash in the first place! Oh you had to go to the hospital for not being able to breathe? Having fun being completely alone the entire time! 

I had to see 5 different doctors after my attempt in order to get medication. I was able to get medication this February. My attempt was April 19th, 2021. All the doctors blamed my poor eating habits or my weight. Despite me sayin repeatedly that I have always felt this way since 13. 

The friend I mentioned earlier, we’ll call him MJ it makes it easier. I work with MJ so I see him on a regular basis. For those first 5 months after, I struggled to tell him bc he was the last person I pushed away. I was mean to him. And the next day I tried. My mind pushed the two together so when I saw him all I could think about was the attempt on my life. Or I would think about how horrible I was to him and that I should’ve died. That’s why it was so hard for me to tell him. I told him over text not even to his face. Which is my mistake. Nothing feels the same without him. I miss him the most but I don’t blame him for not wanting to be around me. I don’t want to be around me.I know he was angry for a long time. But now MJ seems to try to keep an eye on me at work(I had an asthma attack at work and his body language has been different since). MJ followed me around work a bit after I got back from the hospital(not in a creepy way but I noticed him stopping when I stopped to breathe). I sometimes hear about him asking or trying to find things out about me. But he does not directly speak to me. Again I place no blame on him. I miss him dearly, and I’d give almost anything to have him back as friend. He treated me like I mattered and like a person. I know that’s a low standard but he went out of his way for me a lot. Before him, no one did anything for me. He had seen me at some very low lows and he still stuck around. He still chose to be supportive of me. I told him about hurting myself and every day I didn’t he would tell me how proud and happy he was for me. He made me feel safe, supported, and important even. Now he’s gone.

I just don’t really see how this is supposed to be better than being dead. I have nothing to look forward to. I don’t have a family that supports me, all my friends are too busy with their lives and their shit, no one cares about me, no one loves me, I am more alone than I was before, I even lost another friend recently who said she hated me more months before not being my friend anymore. How is this better. My happiness doesn’t depend on other people but it sure makes it harder to feel any sense of joy when I’m only ever being pushed down. 
I have no motivation to do anything, I just wanna lay in bed, I can’t even stand in the shower it feels like too much work, my house is a mess, I eat maybe every other day, I’m hurting myself again, weed does nothing for me anymore, I hate my job, how is it better. How is this better.