Here are some bad habits I have, and things I do mentally. Any idea what mental disorder these could be a symptom of? I'll provide them in scenario form. Sorry about the length; please scroll to bottom for TL;DR if it's too much. Please note that it doesn't include the final paragraph, which is by far the most peculiar.

I'll decide to wash my clothes. I'll load up the washer, set it going, and 5 hours later, instead of taking out the clothes and hanging them on the clothes line, I'll postpone it continuously, to the point where the clothes have gotten moldy and need to be washed again. Note that I am aware that the clothes are done and need to be hung. The problem is not that I've forgotten, but rather, just can't motivate myself to hang them up. This process would usually only take about 10 minutes, and I'm sure if I actually got started, the 10 minutes would just fly by like nothing, but it's almost as if I get apprehensive about how tedious it's going to be, and for that reason, I never get around to it.

Another thing I experience are feelings of extreme self-accomplishment from the smallest acts of productivity. Take the clothes hanging from the aforementioned example. If I am able to actually motivate myself to hang them up, I'll feel substantially uplifted afterwards. Just from hanging fucking clothes. Or loading the dishwasher. Or making dinner. The smallest things make me feel so satisfied with myself, and despite knowing this, I still find motivating myself to these things so difficult.

When playing a game like Hearthstone, I'll complete my turn, immediately alt+tab out of the game, straight into VLC and resume the show I was watching earlier. I'll then constantly switch back to Hearthstone to see if it's my turn again, anxious that I'll get distracted with the show and forget about Hearthstone altogether.

I'll plan out my shopping list at home, committing to memory without making any sort of tangible list, and once I actually get to the supermarket, I'll find it extremely difficult to actually remember what it is I needed to get. I'll often spend up to an hour roaming around the supermarket, with everything I needed to get gradually coming back to me. I usually chalk this one up to my social anxiety, however.

I'll be super into a TV show, but the moment it it slows down and the action/dramatic moments cease, I'll pause it and do something else, often only coming back to the show days, if not weeks later.

I constantly monologue with myself. Like every single day. It hasn't been as frequent lately (maybe taking up caffeine again has played a part in this?) but I'd guess I 'speak' around 100 words to myself in a day, on average. Pep talking, calming myself down, assuring myself that things will be okay, stuff like that. I guess this isn't really ADHD but maybe more anxiety-related?

I'm also obsessed with structure and control. I strive to do everything the same way every day. Wake up at 6:00AM, breakfast at 9:00AM, Lunch at 1:00PM, Dinner at 7:00PM. I weigh out every single food I eat, and count every single calorie that goes into my mouth. Practically speaking, I started doing this a year ago in an attempt to lose weight (I was quite heavy back then, BMI of 29 or so), and it has definitely worked (well under 25 BMI now), and I continue to eat this way so I don't gain weight back again. But beyond just being a practical dieting strategy, could it also imply that I'm a control freak? Does that fit into ADHD anywhere?

I deleted my Facebook after coming to the conclusion that online communications were destroying my lust for socializing. Going by past experiences, talking to people in person was always immensely satisfying for me. Whenever I talked to people online, it felt like there was no emotion involved in our conversations. Deleting my Facebook was my way of making sure I didn't convince myself that socializing with others just wasn't worth it because of how empty it makes me feel when doing it through an online medium. I don't talk with friends on Steam anymore, either.

Now, I'd like to apologize in advance, since this one is going to be particularly long and probably quite cryptic to boot:

Going back to the feeling of self-accomplishment I get from everyday mundane tasks , after this, I'll often go back to my laptop and blast upbeat, uplifting music on my headphones and get completely lost in a trance of thought. I'll imagine a future 5 or 10 years from now, where I am perfectly content with life and have achieved all that I want to achieve. I'll see it all in great detail: how I go about my daily life, what my job is, what I do in my free time, when I go to sleep, when I have breakfast, lunch and tea... it's all so structured. The imaginings are seemingly positive in nature, a representation of an idealistic me. I'll live a highly structured life in which I've renounced all of the vices that I struggle with today (turning to junk food to cope with stress, isolating myself instead of going out and socializing, being too lazy to exercise). Half an hour later, I'll have burned myself out, and will get depressed. Why do I get depressed? Maybe some kind of mental over stimulation? Or maybe because this future I've just surmised is devoid of any real substance. There are no surprises or no emotion. I don't experience love or friendship. Sure, I have control and structure, not much else. Most of time I can cheer myself up, by telling myself something along the lines of, "Don't worry, your brain is just not capable of capturing the emotions and substance that make life meaningful. You're meant to live out these things, not shallowly conceptualize them in your brain." I often describe what I've imagined to myself as a "grayscale future", with the absent color representing all emotion and substance. Without this color, this future is just a straight concept, a framework. Surely anyone who manages to convince themselves that this is all their future boils down to would get depressed, same as me, right?




* **Feel self-accomplished and content after completing mundane, everyday tasks**

* **Often can't motivate myself to see things through**. As in, will load up clothes to wash, but 5 hours later can't bring myself to hang them up to dry

* **Forgetful**; will plan out shopping list in head, get to supermarket and not remember what to get. Will spend next hour roaming the supermarket while I remember what to get

* **Impatient and distracted when playing games and probably in general**; in Hearthstone, after my turn I'll alt-tab out to watch a show or movie, then start to worry that I'll forget about the game altogether

* **Quickly lose interest in TV shows when things slow down, only to resume watching days or weeks later after many already failed attempts to do so**

* **Always monologue with myself internally**; not schizo since I'm not delusional but I think maybe it calms me and reassures me things will be okay?

* **Plan out every aspect of daily routine**; weigh all meals and eat at the same scheduled times. Maybe because it succeeded in helping me lose weight and is thus practical, or maybe because I'm a control freak?

* **Loathe talking to friends online because it feels unfulfilled and dull**; in contrast, love talking to people IRL. If it weren't for my social anxiety I figure I'd be very outgoing







 