Ever since I stopped drinking, all I ever seem to think about is death and what it is going to feel like. I feel completely awake to the futility of it all. There is no escape and no promise that I won’t die today, or even just an hour from now.
I feel like I’m fighting off a state of panic every day like I’m forever climbing a rollercoaster anticipating the gut wrenching, terrifying fall. When I talk to anyone about it they act as if I am being dramatic or their eyes glaze over like they don’t know how to respond to me.
I don’t think I’m asking how to stop. I’m beyond help. But I am reaching out and asking anyone who cares at all to read this: am I completely alone in this day to day terror of the realization that i am going to die and have absolutely 0 clue for sure what will happen? Nothing distracts me from these thoughts.

Thank you for listening.