i mimick mental illness. i started it maybe 4 years ago. no reason, i only did it in my room alone, pretending to see things that werent there, scream and laugh out of no where and just take 30 minutes to fake cry, but over the years i realized i cant stop. once at scxhool i just strtaed sobbing and laughing like a mad man or something out of no where. i couldnt stop it litterly happeend for no reason i kept  telling them this but they still took me to he school counsler which did nothign casue i litterly couldnt stop. Ive been paranpid and keep thinking somethings under my bed. and everything is just so scary and i hate it all. its gotten worse, my health is getting worse/ im a teen girl and i have a life to live and i dont want it to be in fear cause of me faking it. is  it hormones??? I dont wanna end up bat shit crazy when im not and people in my family are becoming a bit weird/ lots of them have various mental illness. like my mom and almost her entire family have like tarrible anxiety. and my dad side are all narracist with anger issues. i had a okay childhood but lots of screaming and fighting. my mom and dad arent together. my step dad is really nice to me and my mom is just a little tense. im not depressed i dont wanna die.  i have chickens and they dont want me to die since i give them tomatoes and i think that i have a life to live and im just so scared and im gonna die and my skin looks werid and its all flaking off. 

&amp;#x200B;

FIRST OFF im not crazy and i kniw how it sounds but im not crazy. im completly sane and im faking all of this and it is hormones. i might have a little anxiety and i dream of dead babeis drowning and i dont swim alone cause im afriad sharks will kill me.

&amp;#x200B;

im not organized i don't like any of this and i wanna go and be a pharmacist with a cat even tought im allergic to them but i just want someone to hold and them to love me myab i gshould gte a dog.  ok im not crazy but wtf why do i sound crazy? I know tha i seem like a fucing lunaitic but im not. im 100% not in denial i just need someone to love me and i wanna be happy. i dont really feel happiness that much. that was a LIE IM A LIAR IM NOT KIDDING I LIE EVERYDAY EVERY HOUR IM LITTERLY JUST A LIAR MOST STUFF I TY\[ED WAS  NTO A LIE AT ALL IT WAS ALL TRUE IM NOT A LIAR BUT I AM A FUCKING IDIOT, im sorry for cussing i wanna get my point across and that wasnt the correct way to do it. i think i just need anxiety meds? this is a little serious im sorry. i sont have friends. this has been going on for aroound 2 years. i thought mimiking other peoples mental disorders would make me special or something cause im an idiot but now i am expiriening them. i am a bad person i think. im sorry if i offended anyone. i was only 9/8 when  i started this. i take full responsability of this/

&amp;#x200B;

sorry for grammar im just upset and i just wanna go through a  burn out again cause that felt relaxing. im noy crazy im just a little paranoid maybe. maybe give me some tips on how to be my normal self again? should i just sleep more?