(F22) For context, I've had very prevalent anxiety and panic attacks since highschool. Over the years it gradually got worse (i.e. I can't go on amusement park rides anymore because they make me feel trapped). Last summer I started to feel my usual anxiety reach a new high. I started to get anxiety attacks more often. I was also really stressed about returning to in-person classes and starting my first job ever.

As a result, I decided to plan a road trip to Oregon with my mom and took it as "exposure therapy". I was going to see some family and all would be great. What could go wrong? Well... Everything. Halfway through the road trip my anxiety attacks hit. I was shaking, heart racing, hands numb, and crying profusely. I felt so vulnerable and knew there was no easy way to get back to my safe place. I spent almost everyday in quarantine in my room and now I was in the middle of no where feeling like no relief was in sight. This feeling of dread and being on edge stayed the whole weekend trip. It felt like I was under water. I was terrified that at any second the numbness in my hands would spread and paralyze my entire body (sometimes it goes to my face, chest stomach, etc.) 

When I finally got home, I was extremely dissociated and emotional. It still didn't feel like I was fully safe. I had to sleep with my door open and be checked up on like a little kid. I felt like I lost 90% of my personality. Uni started the next week as well as my new job. My dad had to stay in the parking lot during my classes because I started to get an attack if I felt like I was stranded. It got to the point where I contemplated quitting my job before it began and dropping out for the semester. 

I ended up pushing myself to do what I had to do. The exposure therapy has been helpful. I also started therapy and joined an anxiety group via my uni (although the school doesn't provide the best help). I'm definitely more functional than I was after that event. However, I still don't feel like I've recovered even 4 months later. My thought patterns have been completely messed up since. Everyday my brain tells me repeatedly "If you do this, you're going to get a panic attack." I'm still uncomfortable when I leave my house even when going to places 15 minutes away. Any situation that makes me feel trapped or abandoned brings on an anxiety attack. I also get very irrational thoughts (i.e. when eating thinking I'm suddenly allergic or that it's laced). I can't even enjoy the weather without worrying that I'll be triggered by heat or that I'll be claustrophobic if it's cloudy. 

So moral of this whole rant is, I don't understand why that trip affected me so much. It feels like I haven't been able to perceive life the same way since then. I see so many people living their lives and it feels like I can't get out of this mental prison. I want to be able to travel, go to amusement parks, drive, and so many other normal everyday things but it feels like I can't without a debilitating attack ruining everything. If anyone has insight I would so greatly appreciate it, I really am scared I'll never get back to a place of full functioning.