for a bit of back story, i've tried different drugs and never got addicted, including LSD and DXM, i used to drink kind of heavily but was never... addicted to it. i could put it down and not feel withdrawal. i vape pretty heavily on 16mg nicotine and i've not got addicted to it despite doing it near constantly sometimes. 


but my weakness? gambling.

i come in to work with my girlfriend everyday (i wont disclose why- you dont need to know) and in one of the malls there is a Namco Funscape Arcade. i have been there 3 or 4 days in a row? and i love it. i can't stop talking about it and i've even looked up tactics to help me win at the machines. 


i know which machines give the most tickets and have developed tactics. i come back to my girlfriend works and sort the tickets i've earned into piles of 10 x 3 tickets and add them up. yesterday and today i used ~£24 and 30 cents on machines and got 622 tickets, me and my girlfriend have more tickets at home i need to sort through from when we've gone together, too. 


earlier before i went i was sat at a coffee table and feeling sorry for myself. i felt depressed, anxious, on-edge, etc. then my girlfriend sat down with me and i couldnt stop talking about namco and winning on machines and how i know how to get the most tickets and my favourite things to do. my girlfriend told me to just get up and go to namco otherwise i wont shut up about it and i denied it saying i will i just dont know what else to talk about then i got my money out and counted it and eventually just said im gonna go to namco or i wont shut up about it. 


i mean, i dont get addicted to things easily; i don't see the point in being addicted, if you know what i mean? i think it's willpower, just... i can put down this alcohol when i want to and i will resist it. sometimes i get strong cravings to get drunk or high but it usually amounts to nothing. gambling? no, i have to go gamble and i have to do it NOW.


im also not talking slot machines, i'm talking ball-drops, grab machines, coin dozers, etc. touched a slot machine yesterday and it was the worst thing in the entire arcade haha. i'm 18 so i could go in to the 'adult' area and do the 'proper' gambling machines but my anxiety around others (mainly men) is too strong for that...


I'm sorry, by this point i'm just rambling. i'm grambling. but i kind of wanted more people to know ive finally found 'my addiction'. im really not happy about it and super self-aware which i guess is good and im trying to limit myself to £10 a time i go so i'm not spending too much... only going when my girlfriend says it's okay to go because it is basically her money im using (hence im being reasonable, if it was my own i'd spend hundreds and hundreds there).

again sorry for rambling but i kind of need to get my self-awareness off my chest. it's weird because i know im addicted to it but on the other hand i think nah... im not addicted. im just being childish and petty and i want to have fun.

no, no. i am addicted and i need to accept it and sort it.