This is a big, toxic unpopular opinion, so get ready.

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I don't know if I want to get better. As treatment goes on, I find I'm losing the parts of BPD that made me 'fun' or 'cool'. I'm no longer impulsive or uninhibited, something that (as toxic as it is) drew people to me. Now I just sit in my room and 'cope' or whatever, by writing, playing video games, lifting weights, brushing my cats, etc. All things I enjoy, but the colour has definitely drained from my life.

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Of course I don't love that I self-harm, but I don't hate it, either. One of my earliest realisations in therapy was that I didn't actually feel embarrassed about self-harming, I just felt embarrassed that people would *see* that I self-harm. I don't care about that anymore and I've made peace with the fact that I will always have scars. My cuts are fairly superficial and I take good care of them. The fact of the matter is, no amount of self-talk will ever be as emotionally validating as physically hurting myself in a way that will leave a visible mark. 

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And then there's the horrible, unpredictible affect. My therapist told me that dealing with this would be lifelong work, as in, it won't ever go away. My relationships are still unstable; I still feel incredibe alone and unsupported. I know I need to learn to support myself but I also just want a few people in this world I can have fun with and rely on, and that's something treatment won't give me.

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Even if I *do* see improvement, what happens to the emptiness? I don't know if I want my whole personality to be managing symptoms. I'm scared to admit it, but I'd rather be volatile.