 Repost from yesterday. it is now monday 8pm. skipped my lessons again

Another Sunday. Another same rant. Im still awake.

Its 6am. I just ate my dinner of fucking junk food macdonalds . I procrastinate on every single fucking thing. I hate it here. I want to off myself but im too weak. I also want a normal life like many others.

Growing up i was always the naughty kid. So my parents said. I was a menace who disturbed everyone. I got the most share of beatings among my siblings. Somehow i was always the problem child. They never trusted us but for me they were more suspicious of me. We went out like a family yes but i never felt that love bond. When i was 11, my father beat me the fuck up until i was bleeding from my groin for going to my friends house for 5 minutes after school. This is one of the beatings i still remember.

I never had a good relationship with him. He is a religious hypocrite and he is the prime reason for turning me away from religion. My mum did everything, he was only physically there and didnt even contribute to income. SO boy was i surprised when i a 11 year old kid found out my mum cheated on him. I was too young so i forgot about it for a few years but since 13/14 i think about it every night. My parents still had frequent fights and my mum got shoved and pushed and slapped. Y'know how asian parents treat women. I wish she got a divorce. Instead of staying for the kids. FUcgin bullshit

Coincidentally, i was the "smart" one among my family. I had far far better grades than any of my cousins or parents could even dream of. I also suspect i have undiagnosed autism and adhd because i have a faint memory of my parents telling me i had it from the doctor but now they deny it. Maybe im just looking for excuses. I did below average for my a levels ( SAT equivalent) in uk and asia. I am now in a course i thought i would like with shitty grades and i hate it here. There is no prospects and i hate this subject when i used to love it 5 years ago.

Now recently i stopped talking to my father for what he has done but my mum urges me to forgive him but i told her if she wants to she can have fun with him. IM out. And recently i found that my mum emotionally cheated this time. AGAIN. The first one 10 years ago was physical probably but this she says it stopped at talking. secretly. for hours. hidden chats. lovey dovey names. to another BLOODY FUCKING MARRIED MAN. I wanna go to his house and tell his family and beat the fuck out of him.HOW MAN, they preach so much religion but full of shit themselves. I dont get it.

I cant talk to women. I dont have any friends. I slowly lost all my high school friends too. Im weak as fuck with tons of body problems. I dont brush my teeth regularly. IM a disgusting human being who listens to audio porn so that i can hear someone tell me i love you. Yes im that pathetic. I cant do anything at all. I lost 8k of my money. IM a failure now. I feel as though everyone hates my body on public transport. I hate how my fathers body genes passed on to me. I shave everyday to not look like him. I hate beards. I hate curly haired men.

When i see beautiful women in tv shows and couples in my schools dorm i get so fucking sad. I know desperation turns off people but i dont show it. I pretend to be this stoic guy who has everything under control. Little do they know. but if you say this online all they know is the word incel.i actually want to improve womens rights after seeing what my mum went through. i just have social anxiety. if anything i am actually voluntarily celibate because i hate myself and im not looking for a relationship. but whatever makes the internet warriors happy. to insult innocent men and women for something out of their control.

I told myself after this latest straw incident. I hate both of them. I fucking hate parents. I fucking hate indian culture. I hate how fucking islam has contributed to this problem. IM sorry if you are one of the good ones. IM just so tired. I sleep all day. Do last minute assignments. Watch a movie sometimes. PLAY LEague LIKE A FUCKING DEGEN AFTER 10 YEARS OF LEAGUE. I google cities in uk and us so that i can imagine my life there. yes im that pathetic and lonely.

Im watching narcos now. It has alot of beautiful people. that scene where jorge hugs his wife and cries on her shoulder. goddamn that was sad as fuck. i dont usually get sad at tv shows but i wanted that so bad. someone to hold my head on their shoulder and chest and say it is going to be okay.. I wish i could have such a carefree life. I would never have that life. I can never do that because i have to watch my back every fucking time im out in public incase any nosy relative decides to end my life. I cant date. I probably have to go into an arranged marriage and i dont wanna do that to an innocent woman with my slew of mental health problems.

You know back then i thought why would anyone have depression. Now i get it.

I see so much horrifying news in this world. rape. murder and everyday there's some new horrifying news. its why i stopped watching news. so depressing. why any sane human being would bring another human into this world beats me.

Dont tell me to go to fucking therapy. i dont wanna talk to a therapist who says the same shit online. I had enough. I dont smoke or drink due to religion but even now i left the religion i cant bring myself to smoke or drink. Drugs are illegal and you will get jailed. Ive been drinking redbull like beer. I eat panadol to sleep. You wanna know the most funny part? i would still feel guilty if they die now because that is how asians raise their children.

Anyways just wanted to let you guys know. Im a failure. Just wanted to rant. thats all. have a good day fellow asian kids. I hope you have a better life than me.

peace.