Online. I don’t know exactly how I found his reddit but I did and I read his comments and stuff... always just to get mad. Or i don’t know. I don’t know why I do it.  I just feel so addicted to looking at his posts. Like I’m getting some inside scoop into his thoughts? But then I’m like, why am I looking for proof pointing to the fact that he hates me? If I look at the facts very rationally, I can verify that he does love me and does so many things to show me that he does. BUT THEN I still slip into this childlike behavior where I know I know I know deep deep In my heart that he hates me just like everyone hates me. I start to feel like he obviously doesn’t love me if he struggles with addiction. But I know that can be flipped around on me. 
He posted an absolute lie recently that I broke up with him due to his addiction struggles and I fucking did not. Absolute lie. He’s the one that has not messaged me all day. But hey, maybe that’s what he fucking wants! He put it into the fucking universe so maybe I should comply! 

Anyways. If anyone is down to talk right now I can use the support or something. 

I’ve been so fucking angery at everything today and I’ve been finding it so hard to not slip back into self-destructive coping mechanisms (like self harm and shit). I’m pretty good about like going to therapy and exercising and trying to change all these areas in my life towards health and wellness but still still I feel my entire brain and body go either red hot or completely dead (maybe both, one after the other). 

TLDR: anyone down to talk? I’m manic af &amp; can’t sleep &amp; want to type a bunch more nonsense!