When there is an argument between me and my boyfriend, or when I feel like he is rejecting/abandoning me for anything else, I turn completely erratic. 

I try to hide it from him but if he shows clear signs he no longer is interested in me, I turn into a mess taking panic attacks, uncontrollable crying, being sick, hurting myself in any way possible. I hide it as best as I can, mostly when alone. I don't know how else to handle my feelings when it's so overwhelming. 

The thought that comes into my head each time is an overwhelming feeling of 'impending doom' and realisation that I have to kill myself to get rid of the feelings of dread/to stop how much it hurts. 

It's honestly horrible and it can happen one night and the next morning I wake up and I don't know why I reacted so badly. 

It's weird because i am naturally so cold and distant with people, I do not feel much for many people but it goes the extreme other way with my boyfriend. 


Does anyone else act like this, and does anyone know how to control it?  I seem to get tunnel vision and the only option I can see is to end my life. I have had too many close calls now, and most of the time he doesn't know I have done anything. It's like the pain of everything gets too overwhelming and I just want it all to stop.

I know that if he left me, I would try to end everything. And the advice I would give anyone is that no person means that much to you that you should do that, but with how erratic I turn, I can't control the urges to harm myself. It has been like this for over a year now, and I feel like i am losing more control over myself as time goes on 