Often I find it difficult to get out of bed in the morning, or to get work done. Sometimes I suffer from brain fog, or heavy periods of emotional pain usually triggered by something. I have persistent  suicidal thoughts everyday, and have developed nihilist ideas and philosophies towards life. But the worst of all of these things, is the anhedonia man.

I cannot experience joy in my life, I cannot look forward to anything, I cannot become excited for an event, or for something in the moment, I do not have a desire for anything. Everything I try to do is joyless, boring, unstimulating, and as a result I feel empty and am left with my thoughts, questioning the situation and everything as a whole. And if something does stimulate some sense of joy, all I can think to myself is "Is this it? Is this really what gets people going through life?", and that makes me sad.

It's not just activities but also sensations. Food isn't enjoyable, its all mostly bland, eating is a chore, its gotten so bad that I no longer have a hunger drive. Music isn't stimulating anymore, I feel like ive listened to everything worthy of being listened to, and now that I have exhausted all these songs, nothing will ever be enjoyable again. I have spent more time thinking about playing video games I want to play, and staring at my desktop, then I have actually playing them. Ive forced myself to read 7 novels to see if I can enjoy them. Worst of all is anything related to sex. God I have so much emotional distress related to this topic. It causes me so much pain knowing that I cannot, and probably won't ever be able to experience what it is others apparently feel.

I could keep going, but the thing is, my anhedonia isn't because of my ideas, my suicidal thoughts, my negative emotions, or the lack of energy or anything else. No, all of these things are instead manifestations that resulted over time from this empty, joyless. Of course, now that it has resulted in these things, it has made the problem even worse. Yet ironically, this suffering has become so comfortable, that I don't want to change it as I don't know who I am without it.