Hello to anyone reading this.

When I was younger my mom struggled with drug abuse, she went to jail for two years when I was around 6-8. Once she was back she got into rehab and was doing well with her sponsor. I thought she was sober but when I turned 11 I started to get more observant and I learned that she was in fact, still doing drugs. I didn’t know what to do, so I didn’t do anything. She passed away last November and despite my dad saying it’s not because of the drugs, I just wish I had said something and I feel so guilty that I could get her the help she needed because I was such a coward. 

Right now I’m staying at my uncles house to see two of my older sisters, I left Maine at the start of the month and I’ll be leaving at the end of it. Me and my sister were talking and I found out something shocking? (I don’t know how to describe it because I can’t even process it)

[but before I carry on, there will be a mention of overdosing]

My sister brought up the fact that the day before I had asked her how she got her trauma and what she did and didn’t like people to do, my other sister laughed “she asked me something similar, but __ you have trauma too” 
I thought that they were talking about how when last year in October I had taken a bunch of pills and overdosed later that night, which was sort of on impulsive. At that time my depression was at its worst and I wasn’t thinking, I don’t even have a reason that I can think of whenever someone asks me why I did it. “I’m over that” (I was in fact not over it, taking pills makes me sick to my stomach but I didn’t want to worry them)

[please skip this part if child abuse triggers you]

“I don’t know what you’re thinking of but I’m talking about mom” my other sister pitched in “__ she beat us” I laughed and honestly thought she was joking. The worst thing I can remember her doing to us was hitting us with a kool-aid spoon on our bare butts for being bad. “What?” I asked because their expressions were so serious.

“___ you probably had it the worst actually, since you were always with her”
I remember that I didn’t go to preschool or kindergarten often, I’d stay at home and watch movies with my mom. My mother meant the most to me, I loved her and cherished her so much. She always put my needs before hers and she was always asking what I wanted.

“Do you remember the time cps came and we all hid behind the couch crying?”
she asked so casually as if it were nothing. In all honesty I can only remember so much about my childhood, if someone were to ask me about it I feel like I probably wouldn’t be able to go into much detail. 
I can remember small things like playing with the bucket of old cellphones my mom had, the time I broke the railing and fell off the bunk bed, getting scared by this asshole boy and my sister picking me up as I cried, sleeping with my mom every night because I didn’t like being away from her. those are just some core memories I guess

“I remember the time mom pulled you by your hair into her bedroom while I screamed at her to stop, we could hear you yelling and crying from our bedroom but when you came out crying we just started to play dolls as if it weren’t a big deal” she said. 
I honestly didn’t want to believe it but what if they were telling the truth, I have no right to call them liars after being traumatized, that’s not even something they would lie about?
 “I think you were moms favorite because she felt guilty” that had to of hurt the most, I knew that I was her favorite and she was my favorite parent, my father used to heavily drink and he’s quick to get mad and yell. My mom always seemed genuine and sincere, but now I’m being told it’s because she felt guilty? I don’t think my mom hated me, she definitely loved me. 
It was probably because of the drugs, I wonder if that’s an excuse or the truth. I wish I could ask her, after my mom passed I realized how little I knew her and I regretted not asking more questions. I’m upset with her for leaving so suddenly and I’m devastated that I’m just learning this. 

I’m sorry if this was jumbled or confusing in some way, I’m a little out of it and especially tired but thank you for taking your time to read this all.