This post may be negative or triggering, so if you’re in a bad place, you might want to click away.

Lately, things have been getting harder. I get overwhelmed easily and have absolutely no desire to do anything. On my days off, I spend most the time in bed or on my couch, watching YouTube or old tv shows that help me feel like a kid again so I can stop feeling the pressure of adult life. 

I think about suicide a lot. Flashes of what I would do intrusively hit me constantly. I power down. I don’t want to talk or do anything. My ability to be as clean as I like to be is slipping. Work seems impossible. Work seems overwhelming and I want to hide from it. I feel panicked every time I know I have to go in. It makes me feel lazy and useless. My girlfriend cooks for me. I don’t help with much. That adds to my worthlessness.

Often, I knew when it was time to “go in” (inpatient). However, I can’t afford to go right now. I have to pay my rent in separate paychecks because I can only mentally afford to work part-time right now. This all sounds like excuse after excuse the more I type. I hate it. I hate the way it makes me feel. My girlfriend wants to help me beat it without admission. I don’t like putting this on her. I know she isn’t as qualified to help me. I refuse to reschedule appointments. I am self sabotaging.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to go in but I know I’m not well. I used to go to be proactive before I hit my breaking point and did something that could seriously hurt or kill me. I don’t know if I’ll end up there again. I just know that, if I do, it’ll be what lands me back in the ER. But going proactively seems like such an attention seeking thing and then I’ll be behind on rent and face eviction from it. I hate myself so much sometimes. I don’t know what to do. I want to push everyone out and just hide in bed all day every day. This post was mentally taxing to type. Idk. If you have advice I’d be happy to hear it. Maybe I just needed to get things out.