I've had enough, and my life isn't going anyway. I'm angry that I've  squandered one of the best times in a person's life by staying inside, isolated, dealing with anxiety to even do such things when I see my age do things like partying, finding love, making friends makes me think how pathetic I am for missing all these experiences, that would be vital development that would prepare my self for adult life like social connections and confidence that I will have to try and get back. I'm 19 years old and have no idea what I want to do with my life. While everyone else my age has decided what they want to do with their lives, I'm stuck in my room playing video games and watching TV shows/movies and reading books that I don't even enjoy anymore. Normal things that used to bring me joy no longer do, and everything is boring and dull. I still fantasise about the future to give myself a false sense of hope that one day I'll be back to being my old self and better; I imagine myself going out making friends, getting a job that I enjoy, maybe even finding a partner; I'm so ugly and unattractive that even thinking of doing that makes me laugh; plus, I believe I have undiagnosed autism, so even thinking of socialising and making friends is pointless however, these are all fantasies in and of themselves, I tried to develop a year plan this year to get out of the predicament I'm in, but I don't think I'll be able to do it. I'd rather be dead than live to see my future, which will most likely be the same as it is now. Maybe things will improve, but it's better to leave now than to be disappointed later. I can't bear the idea of spending another day alone. Looking around and seeing individuals my age enjoying life, finding meaning, and reaching their goals has been a disappointment to myself and those around me. I've spent my adolescent years wasting my time, and now that I'm an adult, I'm going to waste my twenties as well.