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tw: familial stalking, paranoia, familial abuse (just in case) 

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my paranoia has become damn near crippling. 

i've always been a paranoid child, but trauma does not help at all. when i was in high school and college, i was having a panic attack a day; maybe every other day. i was constantly shaky and looking over my shoulder at all times. 

but with every year that passes since 2019, i feel like i can barely leave the house. my mother was really abusive all my life. she technically kidnapped me when i was 12, i wasn't allowed contact with my family members and if i was, she had to monitor it. any time they suggested that i leave with them, i would get hit or punished in disgusting ways. she often kept my addresses a secret; she knew everything on my phone, computer, etc. even when i turned into an adult. she would often log into my social media and post as me and send emails as me without me knowing. she starved me 98% of the time, i was hardly allowed to shower by myself, she would come into my room and go through all of my belongings constantly, she knew where i was at all times (even when she was out of the house, and i later learned that she had hidden cameras all over the house and a gps still installed on my phone from when she freaked out that my estranged dad would kidnap me during visitations in 2012). 

since she kicked me out in 2019, i have gotten worse and worse. i constantly fear that her or someone else is out to get me, i fear that she's going to hurt me, that she has hired someone to follow me around all the time. i cannot leave the house without getting that cold feeling. i cannot sleep peacefully at all, no matter what i do. i hallucinate her calling my name or grabbing me again. i can't enjoy going out in public at all without the fear that something is going to happen to me. i maybe get 3 hours of sleep each night because of this. i dropped out of both universities i was at because of my paranoia (along with a general distaste for school and other medical problems). 

if anyone was wondering what my diagnoses are: 

official from age 12-17: chronic depression, anxiety, hallucinations, possible schizophrenia (my mom shut that down quickly when my therapist wanted to test me; my brother has schizophrenia as well), possible BPD

official from age 19-22: Bipolar that was switched to BPD, chronic depression, severe anxiety, halluciations, D.I.D, anxiety tics 

what the hell is going on? is this just paranoia from trauma? is there something else wrong with me? i know no one here is a doctor but i wanna reach out to people who might be in the same boat as me before talking with my therapist (who also knows that i'm slightly paranoid, but she doesn't know the extent of it because i haven't talked with her in a while). 

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\--I will answer any and all questions in the comments or dms to the best of my ability--