When I was 7 or 8, i dont remember exactly, I was abused by a friend of my older brother. It wasnt abused actually I just didnt know what I was doing, I liked the attention he was giving me when I was nude, we'd kiss and I would play with his penis idk... i dont remember much but it sticks with me. I forgot about it mostly, but a year ago it hit me like a train what happened and I cried. I was drunk and just layed on the ground and cried. Maybe that's why I'm picking the skin off my heel and fingers for nearly a decade. It started when I was 10. 

I dont think I deserve to be called an abuse survivor because I kinda wanted it but know i know i couldnt possibly agree to smth like that when I'm 7 and dont even know. He stole my innocence in a way. When I'm ready I will look for psychological help, just dont have the money right now. Its just exhausting. 

I'm a burden on that one friend that knows, she is an angel but overwhelmed and I understand it. I cant tell my family because I'm ashamed....