Of course I push away the one guy that truly loved me and promised to never leave. He broke off 8 months over text yesterday. I’ve never felt more s*icidal in my life. He was the best person I’ve ever been with. He was so patient with me and loved me to death but I know he had every reason to leave. That’s what hurts the most, it’s all my fault and I can’t stand myself for it. I would blow up and say the most hurtful things to him not realizing how fucked up I was actually being in the moment. I would get so angry I blurted out shit like “if I die I love you lmao” DURING A NORMAL SMALL ARGUMENT THATS SO MANIPULATIVE WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!? And in the moment I genuinely didn’t see anything wrong with it. I didn’t realize that was wrong until a few days later when he told me it hurt him. He said it made him distance himself from me and I don’t blame him at all but I’m so mad at myself for not being in control. I can’t even trust myself and I hate it. I’ve been crying non stop for days I don’t know what to do. I want a second chance so bad I would do anything for him to take me back but I don’t know if I can even trust myself enough to be in a relationship again. I feel like a ticking time bomb monster. I don’t want the people I love to be scared of me but I don’t know how to even begin fixing it. And he isn’t the first person to leave due to me being awful :/ 4 long term friends just in the past 2 years. I feel like I should just get rid of the problem all together which in this case is just me.