CW // suicide

so, the situation is the following

THE TRIGGERING SITUATION IN GENERAL:

- in the beginning of june i discovered that i failed the three-month probation at a well-paid and stable job i really liked, the thing is that they told me about that a week after my probation period ended

- as an apology for the delay, they let me work until the beginning of july (i still work there right now) and they offered me some help from their HR manager to fix my CV and give me some advice on job hunting but they sabotaged that zoom call right until the second half of june, which is the reason why by now i've been job hunting for less than 2 weeks

- in a week i got an offer, right now it's my adaptation period, and i understood that i don't want to work here anymore for the following reasons:

1. the tasks are too difficult for me and the salary is too small for this job

2. no guarantees at all, and the fixed amount of salary is too small

3. i' m too burnt out to learn anything new rn, i just want comfort and stability

- right now i still work at my current job and i'm going through the adaptation period and i keep looking for a job but all i get rn is rejections or people don't even bother looking at my CV or answer my e-mails

WHAT I FEEL RIGHT NOW:

- a lot of shame to the point i think i don't deserve existing because i'm a total failure and i can't even feed myself, i'm turning 25 in mid-july and i'll be an unemployed loser at this age

- a lot of anger because i turned out to be not fucking good enough again and someone else turned out to be better and the only thing i can do to win something at life is to kill everyone who wants the same thing (i. e. job) as i do so i would be the only option

- extreme urge to kill myself almost every day for the past 2 weeks (it was milder earlier) because the nightmare of my life will never be over and there's nothing good waiting for me, i shouldn't exist because i don't fit in anywhere and the world doesn't accept me, there's just no place for me and i shouldn't have been conceived in the first place

- total exhaustion, rn i'm incapable of anything, literally a single thought of any job-related or job hunting-related activities makes me nauseous, my head hurts most of the time, i can't sleep, i either eat like trash or don't eat at all, my house is a mess, i smoke 40 cigarettes per day and i started drinking coffe every day again because i can't exist without it at this point

the thing is that i don't feel safe when i'm alone at home because all i can think of in this situation is "i should jump out the window right now", "i'm the scum of the earth", "nobody wants me anywhere" or "i hate everyone at my current job", "i want to murder my colleagues" or other shit like that. also, i can't afford therapy and i'm too ashamed to ask my parents to pay for it, and it will not work anyway. therapy won't help me find a good job before my birthday. i can't do this anymore, this is the 4th time i'm losing a job since 2020. some people just can't live, and i'm one of them.