I’ve lost trust in people, in hope, and even in the possible love of a higher being. I’m overwhelmed with sadness, guilt, shame, and confusion. I hate this disorder. I hate that it takes over every aspect of my life and steals my happiness and future. I just want to start over and to BE SOMEONE ELSE. Does anyone else feel like bdp steals your character, your future, and anything pleasurable you could possibly have? Healthy relationships are impossible. Finding love and acceptance is impossible. I’ve never been a real person with this disorder. 

I have so much past trauma resurfacing along with current trauma and unknowns I’m dealing with. I’m not a person right now if I ever even was to begin with. Everything I held to my identity is gone, and I’m just a shell of a person waiting to be filled again. 

I’m trying to find fulfillment in myself but it feels impossible when you’re not even a real person. Anything that fulfills me gets taken away from my by this disorder. I’m so tired.