\*TW self-harm, suicide ideation\*

I struggle with anxiety but today was different.   


Today I was in a very dark mindset. Something REALLY important to me, something I’ve been dreaming of my entire life and I am dependent on to be able to live a better life, may possibly finally happen, and I desperately want it to. But I’ve been finding a lot of obstacles in my way that made me feel like it might not happen, and there’s nothing I’m more afraid of than that.

Today, I started to really lose it because I was thinking I’m undeserving of anything good happening to me, that I’m severely unlucky. I started to uncontrollably cry and yell in my car. I was yelling out loud “why is this happening to me?! Why does it have to happen to me?! Did I and my siblings have to suffer our whole lives and not be given anything back in return?!”  I felt miserable, frustrated, desperate and helpless. I blew things out of proportions because it was too hard for me to believe I am deserving of good things happening to me, so I decided to not have faith in the process of getting what I want because of a small obstacle.

I started to hurt myself, I hit myself really hard in the stomach and the face. When I got back home I was so out of control that I grabbed a sharp object and cut myself like it was NOTHING. I haven’t harmed myself in over 7 years, this is a first. It should highlight how DEEP in despair I was. 

The weird thing is, I did NOT see this coming from me. I was in a good place a few days ago. I was trusting the process and doing my best to reach my goal. It did happen gradually over two days, but it got REALLY bad by the 2nd day. It’s still too sudden for my mood to shift and for me to lose control over myself and my emotions in the span of 2 days. 

What I’m asking is, is this normal for people with anxiety? Losing control over your actions and emotions almost like being possessed. For a second I felt like someone else was in control. The sudden self-loathing really shook me. I REALLY hated my entire being and wished I was dead. It was a dangerous ride home because I just wanted to crash into someone and die. I don’t usually hate myself THAT much. But the minute I started to calm down and tell myself that I’m just blowing things out of proportions, the thoughts suddenly stopped. That’s why I described it as being possessed. There was a dark cloud like I was driven by someone else, and then in a snap it was gone. 

What is happening to me? Is this normal? Have you ever experienced something like this? Please help. I’m so freaked out.