i had a fp that i really admired, and of course bpd made me idealize them in an unrealistic way. i would always try to express my love and admiration to them in a platonic way but the way i said it came off as flirting and it made them uncomfortable. this of course is something i take full responsibility for. they don’t want anything to do with me and unfriended me on most things and their significant other blocked me without me even talking to them so i know they’re talking to each other about how much of a socially inept loser i am 

basically made me realize that i fall in love with anyone who treats me like a decent human being lol and i also don’t know how to socialize like a normal person bc im a shutin and a loser, i also have autism which i probably blame too much on my bad behavior 

all i ever exist for is to make people uncomfortable and the world would probably be a better place if i wasn’t here, basically I’m the epitome of a reddit neckbeard meme 

i wish i could change but ive gotten so used to being a useless waste of oxygen that im not sure I know how 

the only thing keeping me from ending it is that i don’t want to upset my family and my pets, ive made their lives hell enough, but i know nobody would care if i died 

when i was watching it’s a wonderful life on christmas i realized if that situation happened to me everyone’s life would be better 

i’m also sick with the stomach bug today and in tremendous pain, and i threw up my meds, so that’s nice 

i also don’t see my therapist until the 10th and im keeping all this pain concealed from my parents but im barely holding on and i have nobody to talk to I’m so alone