I am currently in between medications and trying to find the right mood stabilizer with my psychiatrist. We have been trying Risperidone, it makes me incredibly nauseous and unable to function especially at work. I get really drowsy where I can’t operate cars or even stare too long at screens, since it all makes me crash. Since taking this on and off, it has definitely triggered mania. I am scared, paranoid, anxious, hyper-active, and running on little sleep (I work 12 hours shifts as a hospital CNA and have a toddler—so you can imagine). Yesterday, I peaked at rage. I was putting my toddler’s new bed frame together and my partner refused to help since it was used furniture (they worry about bedbugs and roaches). I was stuck in the other room holding the wooden panels together. I had to call my sister from home to help me put it together. In between this, I was so angry, I kept yelling out for them. Then it got ugly. I just had a meltdown. I just called them out for past arguments and past issues in our relationship. I accused them of being neglectful and abandoning me. All the while, needing them to help me until my sister got there to take over. By the time my sister got there, I calmed down, but I was angry nonetheless saying I hated this relationship and I wanted to be over. They knew I was having an episode, but I know it scared my daughter. I feel an intense amount of shame, disgust, and guilt. The depression is now sinking in and it’s really heavy. Suicidal thoughts, self-loathing, the whole nine yards. I am speaking with my doctor today. I took a Lyft to work today and I am planning on taking the respiradone until my doc can send me something else. I know that as an adult, I am in charge of my actions and the way I treat those around me. I feel very regretful and I don’t blame my partner for wanting space. I don’t want this to be a norm for my daughter like it was for me growing up. I wish I could take some time off to be hospitalized. I don’t feel safe or have any room to safely transition to meds.