So last night I (25F) got into a big fight with my long term boyfriend (35M) of almost 2 years. It was because I was upset he was on his phone and we only see each other 2-3 days a week so I feel he can do that on his own time. 

Anyway we went to the movies and had a blast. Then he was just annoyed with me because I wanted to lay on him and watch him as he scrolls through social media, which he feels is an invasion of privacy. Or for him to spend quality time with me as it’s not a normal thing for him to be on his phone with me. My mental illness has been bad lately so my friends and boyfriend have been stopping by to check in when I text them about being depressed or wanting to die but they’ve also been avoiding me as well.

Fast forward he wants to smoke and take a break on the patio while I cook dinner because today we were celebrating him. And he left. 5 minutes go by and I let him know food is ready as I made ramen and it gets stale after a while. He gets annoyed and I snap and say “obviously those cute girls on social media are more important than me so fine, go be on your phone. We can have a threesome”. So he gets out of the patio and packs to leave. So I’m like “fine, leave our stuffed animals with me (he started to bond with my stuffed animals to cope with his anxiety) because they were mine” first”. He calls my love “conditional and that I am demanding, nag all the time, which pushes him to turn a quick phone check into a longer break, and I don’t want to really be with him”. I ask him if he needs a break from the relationship as we have been having so much fun and have not argued in a month and I had no idea he was feeling this way. He said he just wants me to get better. We then had a long talk and made compromises. 

INFO: I understand I have had attachment issues and been recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and I have cooccurring anxiety. It causes me to idealize my “favorite person” which is either my boyfriend or certain female friends. I also have mild ADHD so I’ve done annoyingly careless mistakes that only add to the alienation of close relationships like forgetting to fish a candle out of ice cream or not noticing if I spilled anything. I’m like fun and nice but I feel and think I’m mentally 16.

INFO: close friends (25-31 M and F) have said very similar things to me. Even the friends I haven’t had any arguments with have said they notice I can be very controlling among mutual friends that are my “favorite people” or they see how I get around women with my boyfriend. It makes them not want to hang out. 

I’ve asked my 2-3 female friends that are among my former “favorite persons” why they got closer to other female friends they met through me or chose a different best friend. They said “I’m emotionally unavailable, a workaholic, and I always threaten to end a friendship anytime there’s conflict”. They also are possessive and likely don’t like who they are with me.

INFO: my boyfriend is not normally on his phone. He’s an introvert and started to recently befriend his roommates, which is totally great but I feel he can spend time with them the other 4-5 days as we both are work full time and don’t talk very often when we are apart. While I am very accommodating with going 5-8 hours without texting him during school/work/guy time, I will admit that I am not as understanding when it comes to women (female friends, exes he’s friendly with, etc).

INFO: here are the reasons why I nag:
1: he’s only on time if it’s something that is convenient for him: work, parties, if one of us pay for movie/museum tickets and have to be there at a certain time, psychedelic trips. If we just have plans to hang out, he wants to come see me when he feels like it. 
2: most of my friends claim to be busy but they make time for other people. When I complain to my boyfriend about it, he says that I’m very demanding and needy with him as well as our friends and to consider that people only have time for human interaction. My friends admit that they have other priorities and they respect me as an artist but I am too intense. 

INFO: I’m actively in therapy and working on it. But this past week has been really hard. It just sucks because I am a fun person who throws parties and connects people to jobs so nobody fully abandons me but they only hang out once in a while or in group settings.