This post is a vent. 

I am experiencing functional depression. And it sucks, it's terrible. 

I know why I am experiencing it. I have my family but I am so alone. I have my friends but no connection, I feel so alone. I have talked with my family about it, and I am getting a therapist. But I have no friends to talk too about the simple things that make me happy. Or the things that pique my interest. I play games with my closest friend but I feel so empty while doing it. 

I never experienced depression before. I never understood it before. Now I do. It's a cancer of the mind. It turns your own body against you. I feel empty, I feel nothing but sadness and fear and regret, and hopelessness. 

Depression has it's own weapons and it uses it's strongest weapon against me. Fear. Contrary to many I have seen, I am terrified of death. Not of being dead but of losing my conscience life. Of losing the ability to be myself. To be in an infinite sleep FOREVER. For an infinity to pass in a second. I am terrified of it. Sometimes I think about it so much I forget that it will happen. I have told my family but still. And depression uses it to keep me depressed. I can't enjoy anything without being taken out of it with thoughts of my loved ones dying and myself dying.

I feel empty and alone. I am trying to enjoy my time but my enjoyment is being sucked out of me because of the depression. I want friends, I want to love, I want to be loved. But a husk of a person can't love nor can they receive it. 

I love you all. I don't know where I got the love from but I love you all. Just for being here and just for experiencing what I am. Thank you. Let me continue however,

I recently watched Rick and Morty S5 E3 and it struck a chord with me for a reason I can't quite pin down.

I have been going on walks and I think I am gaining ground against depression but I can hardly do what I enjoy. All I fear is fear. All I feel is futility. You are going to die anyway so why bother doing anything? Depression is a cancer. And I feel so frustrated I cannot enjoy anything. I cannot stop death. I cannot get out of this depression. The world seems to be ending and I feel so trapped. So, so trapped. 

I never understood why people commit suicide. But if I had to live like this for so many years. I would go insane. It would be better to be dead than living like this for so many years. It's hell. Depression is a cancer. 

Thanks for providing a space to vent. I don't know if I feel much better but. Thank you.