Is it me? Am I the drama? (…Yes, sometimes)
This post is not exclusively about my Bipolar Disorder, but it does show where my symptoms first became noticeable to me. As I dig deeper and peel back more of my own layers, I want anyone who’s interested to listen to episode 1 linked below. As time goes on, you will hear more and more of my story. Let’s heal together. There ARE some things we CAN change, and do better. Mental illness or not. We can try.
For context, I’m 25F and I am retiring from being a relationship girl. Since having my first boyfriend at 14, then another at 17, then another at 18-19, then another 19-20, then another at 20-21, then my most recent from 21-25. I’ve never been alone. Even when I “wanted to” I always figured it’s just because I’m likable, and men like me. I am likable, but that’s not why I’ve never been alone. I’ve never been alone because I didn’t want to be, I love love and always have. I love romance and fairytales and chivalry and the idea of a having my own happy, loving family. It’s all I want. I try to be the woman who’s ambitious and smart (I am), but that’s only because it’s expected of me. Honestly, the passions I do have are not things I would rather do than be a wife/mother. As long as I have my education, I don’t care what I do next. I don’t really want to do anything but have a family. I wish I realized that before my recent ex and I decided to have a medication abortion on May 28th. One of the worst days of my life and arguably the worst decision I have ever made for myself. Our reasons were…. Stupid. In my opinion, of course men typically don’t feel the affects as much as the pregnant person does. In my experience, even the “good” men don’t really care about the aftermath. Maybe he wasn’t so good then anyways. Regardless, I have noticed a pattern within myself. I noticed it years ago, but figured that with the right person I would be able to heal and that all healing did not require aloneness. Even if that’s true, it did not work in my case. I’ve been “the” ex to each of my boyfriends. Whether I was the crazy one or the most impactful relationship to them, likely both. I’ve been called and texted and stalked and harassed by my exes and their new partners or the friends of their new partners. Eventually I noticed all of those behaviors became normal to me, and honestly as annoying as it was - I think it boosted my ego. Then, I became like them. More and more. If anyone is interested in my long love journey, I started a podcast. It’s really just me telling stories about how I fuck up time and time again, and what I’ve finally learned from it. Sometimes the crazy ex IS really crazy, but I didn’t make myself crazy. I’ve never been a person who has bad intentions or lies or wants bad things to happen - unprovoked. I really want to heal and now I’m taking the time to do so. I’ve been in therapy on and off for years, all these medications, support groups and tried many types of exposure and trauma therapies. This is my story, and while I may not be a saint - I’m willing to share it anyways because it’s the truth. It’s MY truth, anyways.

**Edit** I have great relationships with other people, and many long term friends and close family whom I love dearly. For some reason, my issue is almost exclusively to romantic relationships. I always keep close with my friends and family, but we all know there’s a difference when it comes to romantic relationships. ***
Listen here :) love you all. 
[Tóxica Tuesday - RSS](https://rss.com/podcasts/ttwithalicia/578115/)[TT - Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/show/1tDWnlOirxxW52Zr4OKaY1)