I work at a genetics lab. Im afraid to make mistakes. To leave later than everybody else. To check people out when they take their lab coats off. To say and do things that are awkward. 

With my old boss, during our weekly meetings I would ask any questions I had about the lab. With my new boss, when I asked those questions he said “thank you for sharing with me. Most people wouldn’t ask because they wouldn’t see a point”. The way he said it sounded like I shouldn’t ask him those questions. 

I freaked out. I could feel his impression of me getting worse. Now I have to error correct and not ask such questions again. 

For part of our interviews, we go around the lab talking to people. A girl they interviewed talked to me. I’ve been told I’m awkward my whole life. She told me her favorite tv shows and I didn’t watch any of them. She then said, “sorry, I’m awkward around new people.” And left. But the way she said it made it seem like I was being awkward. 

Then I kept saying stuff I felt was awkward around my coworker.

On top of that I could have made a mistake. Which is really scary to think about. And I have been leaving later than the majority but am in a constant race against the clock not to. And I have to constantly monitor myself to not check people out. It’s so many things to worry about.

Don’t even get me started on the fact that I have to be someone the new employees can turn to for training, when I feel like I’m still learning.