It's like all my "real" feelings are trapped inside, along with my "real" personality, simmering, bubbling, along with my mind that won't stop chatting and whispering and observing...and when I start to drink a lot or get excited or really into something, they come spilling out, and I just want to fight people and destroy everything and EXPLODE. Like I angry, and impulsive, and start wanting to say "FUCK IT" to everyone and everything.

But I keep it all to myself. Mostly. But it's there, inside of me, waiting to come back out. I'm afraid of myself. I'm afraid of everything.

It's terrible and I fucking hate it. I wish I could just relax and be comfortable with myself, but I'm so on edge, even when I'm out having fun or with friends. This disease is so fucking exhausting. I hope this makes some kind of sense.