Addition to a previous post I’ve made

Some of this requires context, some not. My previous post is long winded, but if you feel so inclined you can go view it. I’m not sure what I want out of this, probably just to let it out to anybody 

——————Addition———————

It’s been over a year since I wrote this. Things are better and worse. A has cut me out of her life at this point and I never would’ve said this a year ago, but I’m kinda glad she did. Almost a sort of brutal freedom, I don’t expect to hear or see her again, nor for her to survive the decade with the path she seems hellbent on taking herself down. I have good friends that I laugh and have fun with, but in comparison to what I had with A it all feels so surface level. I try to be my old self, the one who could capture the eyes of anyone in a room and spin the yarn of a tale to make the room laugh uncontrollably, but I feel like that’s fading day after day. Day after day I feel like I’m losing little bits and pieces of what make me…..well me and all my attempts to stop it or build something new are in vein

I’m a good actor, I guess in A’s words being a stoic son-of-a-bitch has it’s perks, I got a standing ovation from the entire school after I got revenge for my dead lover by killing a landlord, I made people in the audience cry even, I had a scene where it was me, a ceramic revolver, the school, and 50 lines of dialogue, of self reflection for me to deliver. I brought the bickering and rowdy crowd of high schoolers to near total silence. They cheered as I spit on the landlord at the end, they egged my character on to kill her, there where audible gasps and a distinct “no!” when my character died at the end. I was good because was imagining myself getting revenge for A, I imagined that the girl who played the landlord (great person off-stage, we’re good friends so this isn’t personal) was the embodiment of everything I hated, everything I regretted, to the point of me even shedding a tear. Which I suppose was the point, to my character she was exactly that. I felt a little part of my old self come back that night, and it felt good 

I’ve picked up learning languages as a hobby almost. I originally started with Spanish to try to impress A, but it spiraled and now I’m the guy at school to ask if you’ve got a bit of most any major European language you need translated (not Spanish there’s plenty of kids at my school who speak flawless Spanish)

Academically I’m good, I’m in the top 10% of my class, my lowest grade is an 87%. All the teachers in the history section of my school know I want to be one when I grow so I get extra tutoring from them to the point of us calling eachother by our first names. My finance teacher and soccer coach is the same.

Everyone says that I should feel proud of myself for it all, but the play is the only thing that I really feel good about. The rest feels 2nd nature to me, not like an accomplishment worthy of pride 
I hate that I view it that way, but I can’t change it 

I’ve tried to move on from A, God knows I’ve tried, but I just can’t and I don’t know why. She moved back and things where good for awhile. We had some arguments and we had a falling out for a few days. She said some very personal things to me, attacks that could be made using only things that she knew, she was the only one who could wield those words as painfully as she did, and she cut deep. Eventually she came back to say sorry, fool I am I accepted. She asked me out eventually, I asked her to prom, we both said yes. 

It seemed like everything I had wanted with this girl for 2 years was finally coming true

Then for reasons I haven’t a slightest clue of, she stopped talking as much, for 3 months we didn’t see eachother and all my attempts to reach out to try and help her where denied. Now she’s said she doesn’t want to talk to me at all. I’m waiting for the day she’ll realize the injustice, but I fear that this outburst is different 

I have a necklace that she gave me, a simple nail fashioned into a sword tied to a string. I’ve worn it as a good luck charm almost, a reminder that I did what i did because without her I might’ve not had the chance. I have no clue what to do with it now, it is my most valued possession, but I want to just throw it on the top shelf of my closet to be forgotten about 

I want be a teacher when I’m done with high school, History or maybe a language. I’m pretty good at Spanish with some French, Italian, and Esperanto under my belt. Beyond that I want to travel the world, take a year or two to just leave everything behind and try to find myself. I’m chasing the high I felt when I finished my monologue, but I doubt I’ll ever feel that rush a adrenaline and dopamine again