But I think it’s bullshit that I can’t even decide to die and be in peace because I have kids and it’s selfish to do that to them and then it just makes me even more irritated because I can’t even make that decision for myself and now I’m just stuck here in this shitty existence. My life isn’t hard by any means. I have absolutely no reason to feel this way. I am absolutely in a better place in life than I’ve been in a while and yet I feel the shittiest I have in a while. I should be excited about my growth and success, I should be excited to watch their milestones to come, I should be excited to breathe the air and touch the earth but I’m not. I feel nothing and it’s so hard to go from feeling everything so intensely to feeling nothing so abruptly. It makes me want to get high. I know this will pass and that pisses me off too because I’m tired of the roller coaster, I’m tired of meds, the meds from all of these years have fucked my brain so badly, I don’t even know if Im capable of producing serotonin on my own at this point. Abilify is the devil. I can’t wait to see my psyc next month. I was doing so good before I switched to this shit. I’m tired of not knowing how I’ll feel one day to the next. I’m tired of being harassed because I’m not “myself” well news flash I don’t even know who my fucking self is anymore because I’m all of these different people at different times. I’m tired of having to put on an act and fake smile or else it’s fights and arguments. People think it’s cute to glorify this disorder like it’s some quirk and it’s literally the worst and if this is how life is going to be up down up down up down I’d rather just say Goodnight for good because god damn I’m tired of it. I shouldn’t have to eat a fistful of pills or feel like this. Those shouldn’t be my only choices, but my choice has been stripped from me because I can’t traumatize people I love. I feel like I’m living life against my will. And the most fucked up part is I’ll probably feel completely different in god only knows how long and then I’ll be all mighty high on life until I come crashing down again. Fuck this. I distract myself with TikTok’s and I laugh and I read books and feel good for a moment but then I put all my distractions away and this feeling is what I’m left with and worst of all is I feel guilty about it because there are people out there homeless, people being beat right now, people starving  etc. and then here I am being so ungrateful of my life by being like this but I can’t help it. My life will never be how I want it to be, it’s just the cards dealt and I have to accept that but it’s hard to practice gratitude when all you’ve ever been given is shit and you’ve taken your blinders off