Hi,

So, I have been “diagnosed” with different stuff by every doctor, psychiatrist, etc. that I’ve been to. For over a decade now, I’ve been seeing these people and getting answers like “its maybe bipolar, but it doesn’t quite fit” “it’s maybe generalized anxiety, but it doesn’t fit” etc. I have no idea what I have. Bipolar II or atypical depression seem to be the most fitting. I also have mild schizophrenic-like episodes on a yearly basis, which is super concerning given my family history.

Nobody seems willing to give me a conclusive diagnosis. Meanwhile, I’ve tried everything. Benzodiazepines, SSRIs, SNRIs, NDRIs, mood stabilizers, lithium. Nothing helped for long, I’d max out my dosage or up the dose until the side effects became too much to handle.

Years ago, I discovered one thing, which actually works to bring me out of it all and stabilize me. Nicotine. I wish it didn’t have to be this way but I literally have no where else to turn, its the only thing that works to help me. Every time I hit major lows, I start smoking again and it remediates my problems enough to get me back out of the depressed hole and onto a more flat mood level. I then stay normal for a month, have a sudden unexpected and unpredictable manic episode for a few days, and then fall down the hole again.

I’d love to pull myself out without smoking, but I don’t know what else to do, nothing else works. I hate cigarettes, and even vaping feels nasty to me. Idk how to proceed with anything.