I tried and tried to be as normal as possible for those around me. I still am, but behind the scenes i am wishing i didnt fail. 

I have kids, i have a loving family, boyfriend and his family along with my pets. 
I love them all very much and wish for their sakes that i didnt feel this way. But i do. 

I am spending my first night alone since that night. My mood has shifted incredibly low and the thoughts of self harming are high. 
Every tablet has been confiscated from my home. I know im selfish for even thinking this way. 
I have considered cutting, but since i admitted the scars on my arm havent been due to the things i have said to my boyfriend. I know he will notice and will know how its happened. 

I couldnt cope at all without him. I really couldnt. Yet i know that puts an awful lot of pressure on him and i worry he stays with me out of fear of me crumbling so low i do attempt it again. 
I couldnt promise that i wouldnt - but he doesnt know that. 

Im alone with my thoughts and i cant handle it. Even when the kids are here...im still alone. 

I just dont know what to do, how to do it or even why i should. 
I just want to be rid of this whole thing called life, but im forced to stick around. 

I wish i never freaked out. I had fallen asleep and i believe i would have went peacefully but i swear something shocked me awake and i freaked out. 

