My sister in law recently made a post on Facebook about how disappointed she is in her weight gain and how weak it makes her feel. She weighs the same as me(1 lb less actually). She is a lot shorter than me and has a way bigger chest, so I really shouldn't compare us. But I can't help it.

I struggle on and off with disordered eating and body image issues. But I was feeling good about my body, and wasn't worrying about the number.

Now I hate myself. I'm fat and gross. Idk how my boyfriend can stand to touch me. I'm beating myself up over eating a fucking cookie. I'm not eating tonight and not planning on eating tomorrow either. It's not worth being fat. 

It isn't fucking fair. I felt so good the last week or so. I was confident and felt attractive. I wasn't hiding my body, I wore short shorts and a crop top. I felt on top of the world. But now I guess I weigh too much and am a weak disappointment for not losing more weight. I don't know how I'm going to be able to face my SIL. I'm so angry that she triggered me to feel this way. Why did she have to post those numbers. I know she's well within her right to do so, but it hurts me. 

Hell it isn't even just about the way I look. I just can't stand to look at the number on the scale. I already starved myself 6 months ago to make sure I weighed less than my bf. I'm already comparing myself to my twin sister who is way skinnier than me. I don't need more of my family to make me feel ashamed. 

My brain is full of so much garbage and it isn't fair. Why can't I be healthy and normal. I don't want to tell anyone because my boyfriend already thinks I'm crazy and I can't risk him leaving me over it. I'm not ready to discuss it with my therapist. I don't have anywhere to turn but here.