i was recently given the diagnosis bpd, for what i have been suffering from since i was little, 19 now. anyways there’s some trauma and stuff that makes sense as to why i am the way i am. but there’s something missing. i don’t rmb a lot from when i was little. i shut it out. but the more i have been thinking abt it something doesn’t feel right. i always had infections down there when i was younger. i rmb being in a lot of pain. and i rmb going to the dr for it and being terrified when they would look down there bc i thought they were touching me in a weird way. but why was i thinking like that? how did i know to be afraid of being touched that way. why is my bpd and my issues so severe. yet i can’t even rmb stuff. i rmb watching those videos in school abt sa awareness and i just rmb being so disgusted and just rlly effected by it like it followed me home. as if it hit close to home. then i have this image in my mind this one little glimpse of something and i can’t even let myself continue to think abt it. i completely shut down in emdr therapy which was to get stuff out. i quit dance when i was little. competitive dance. and i don’t rmb why. one day i just refused to go. i was crying and my mom ended up calling and i quit. i loved dance, i don’t know why i couldn’t go back. 
does anyone have advice for remembering childhood stuff? there’s something there it’s not that i can’t rmb it it’s like i see the little blurry glimpse of a memory and then just stops mt brain refuses to even think abt it. and i overthink everything. my brain has never been so persistent w not letting me think abt it.