I hadn't even thought about BPD for the last two or three years I think. I somehow lived, managed everything as if nothing was wrong.

Then comment on a post of mine on a totally different subreddit threw me off... Someone recognized from the way I spoke that I might be having a depression. It just totally threw me off. I remembered "oh yeah there was that BPD thing" and somehow that was the first time I felt slightly at home somewhere since a long time. Like I remembered where I belonged.

I started researching it again, googling about for several days, watching videos of BPD conferences about the newest discoveries and studies, and so on.

Realized (again) that there really was something medically wrong with me, not just me being a bit weird to everyone else.

Made an appointment for therapy (again), became obsessed with the whole illness (again), just couldn't get enough information about it and reading the same things over and over again. I just felt like being at home again... That familiarity, being able to embrace something that you know is at least a part of you.

And with that embrace came of course that all too well known, luring, familiar, almost homely, darkness. The place we all know we're coming from, never want to get back to, but know that it's where we're at home - where we belong - where we're damned to spend the rest of our hellish lives, no matter what we do.

And I must say... as much as it is pain and suffering and darkness and hell and screaming and wanting to die... it's at least something. Better than being that hollow shell, that zombie, that emotionless, drive-less, goal-less, all-pleasing empty... thing that you can't really call a human being.

At least something.

P.S.: I'm sorry for my behaviour, what I'm doing on this sub. You don't know me, I haven't been here before (at least under this username), and here I suddenly am since a few days ago, spamming this sub with my thoughts and feelings while you've all got the same, if not bigger, issues and need just as much attention, understanding, and caring. I know I'm probably awkward and am just in need of someone to listen right now and since I don't have anyone else, I'm using this sub and all of you to vent and let it all out, and that's not fair. I'm not that important. I just don't have anything else and this here is the only place where I feel like I have a hope of someone understanding me. I better stop typing now. Sorry.