I’m 21, F and have been with three partners.

My first relationship was my longest one to date (~2 years) and could be deemed quite toxic. We had extremely strong ups and downs and one aspect of our relationship that I struggled with a lot was our sex life. Sex to me was a way of affirming and double checking if my partner still loved me. Being an object of desire for him was my way of validating myself as a woman and girlfriend. This later turned to me often having anxiety attacks, crying or simply shutting down emotionally during or after sex with him.

My second relationship was a rebound of sorts and didn’t last long. We never had any strong emotional connection and I didn’t care for him as a person but I still kept up the “seeking validation” charade. I would initiate sex and even thought to myself “wow I really don’t want to be doing this right now” but proceeded anyway in hope that it would make me feel sexual or “human /woman enough”. May I add that I often had thoughts of possibly being asexual due to my strong negative or indifferent approach to sex. I did/do go through periods of genuine repulsion followed by hyper sexuality etc.

My current relationship is the healthiest I’ve been in to date and I very much care for my partner. The problem I’m facing is that I’m once again feeling this urge to have sex in order to make sure I’m worthy of his time. Sex to me is a painful and emotionally draining activity that can easily send me spiraling or make me break for a couple of days or weeks. 

I am unable to self pleasure or climax during sex with my partner or even by myself. My mind is overly critical of myself and I often feel like I’m not sexual or desirable enough to deserve the sexual attention of someone, let alone do it by myself.

This makes me feel so gross and alone. Could this be a BPD thing? Does anyone relate?