I’ve struggled with intense anxiety and depression for years now. It’s nothing new. 

What *is* new is that I’ve felt like crying literally constantly for weeks now. Okay honestly it’s not that new, but I guess it was better for a long time and I forgot what it felt like. 

I graduated from college about a year and a half ago. A few months later, I decided that I didn’t want to go into the career I had been preparing for years and years to enter. 

I’ve been working toward my newfound career goals ever since, but I feel like I’m not any closer. I have a day job that makes me feel like I’m a big fucking loser failure, especially because I was always successful in my academic pursuits (minus freshman year of college...oops).

Job application after job application, interview after interview. No fucking luck. Nothing. A couple weeks ago, I came inches from getting the job that I wanted and really had my hopes up and could taste success, but ultimately another candidate was chosen. Again. 

It is so upsetting to constantly be rejected. I look at my peers and see them achieving their dreams and moving past me.

Yeah yeah yeah comparison is the thief of joy yeah yeah yeah it doesn’t matter what anyone else is doing. Whatever. That’s a fucking lie. It DOES matter so much to me. 

I feel inferior, I feel behind, I feel like I’ll never get to where I want to be, I feel ashamed, I feel tired. 

I am constantly stressed. Everyday I look in the mirror and want to punch it because I hate my dumb fucking face and I hate that I’m failing. 

Mostly I’m just so sad. Im so so sad and I don’t want to be sad anymore. I want to be happy and normal and not care about anything. 

I have a constant lump in my throat and I’m always seconds away from a total meltdown. 

What the fuck, man. 