I’m starting to give up. I was been addicted to drugs for 4 years, barely remember any of it. 2 years now and I’m still dependent on sub and that empty hole in my life that I filled with drugs is gaping and nothing is working to fill it. I’ve been treatment resistant to medication. I have so much trauma under the surface from my narcissistic mother who bullies me and belittles me to this day. She has her mental struggles too so I can’t give up on her, but fuck she fucked me up!! I’m so socially awkward I cannot talk on the phone I don’t clean I’m a MESS. But lately, I’ve been having a lot of synchronicities and feel like I may possibly be omw to a spiritual awakening. I’m so interested in that and want to feel the wholeness spiritual people feel. But as of right now I haven’t dealt with the issues so I’m having an existential crisis. I’m gonna start Microsoft has mushrooms soon, may try the heroic. Don’t know. I just know nothing makes me happy and nothing feels worth it. 

Do you think with me being this curfulfilled I should have pushed myself to start school? Bc I did. Online and my depression is making me fuck up and I’m gonna lose my aid if i don’t get it together. Maybe it was too soon.? AnywYs, who can relate lmao