for the longest my ocd had been fixated on harm ocd and then on developing schizophrenia and then on psychotic disorder in general. I first feared that maybe I would start hallucinating. But I never did and the ocd got board and moved on to delusions. I've read so many delusions that my ocd intrusive thoughts have "mimiced" it's not even funny. The one about the world being a simulation/people poisoning things/what if people are out to get me/cotards.

All ONLY appearing after I've read them 

However I also have bouts of exestinal ocd and dpdr the fuels the fire to not only the exestinal theme but the psychosis one as well. 

Sometimes when the dpdr kicks in it feel as if my husband (who I love very much) is a stranger or a different version of himself. I also have moments where his face is completely unrecognizable. But I still know who he is. I feel disconnected from my emotions at times as well as my memories. 

I have worked with many people with my mental helath. It used to be a compulsion of mine to seek reassurance from New provoiders. All of them had said I'm absolutely not suffering from anything on the psychotic spectrum nor am I close. 

But you know ocd makes you doubt. 

Anyway before I started seeing my ocd specialist I looked up "mental helath problems that can cause people to feel like stranger" of course dp/dr came up but so did a "fun" little delusion called the capgras delusion. I had never heard of this so I was like huh let me read about it. 


BAD.DECISON.


instantly I was convinced that that was what I was suffering from. I freaked out then my intrusive thoughts switched. "What if your husband has been replaced" I didn't know wether to laugh or cry because of course he hasn't been that doesn't happen so then why was I thinking it? 

Did I beleive it ? Is that why I was thinking it over and over again? 

I told myself of course not. It's not like I was trying to get away from him/aliens don't exist and I don't beleive in clones or doppelganger. And I definitely don't think even if they were real someone would waste their time with fucking with my life. 

But the thought kept creeping in making me anxious and worried that I was going psychotic and the feeling of disconnect from the dpdr didn't help. 

When I got calmed down I was like duh I never beleived that it was just my ocd playing with my fears. People don't get replaced

But then the ocd was like "what if they do though" and the cycle started again.

I don't beleive it but sometimes the fear makes me wonder if I do. This is so stupid I want it to stop. 

My therapist and psych again said this is all ocd not a delusion or capgras. 

I've also had a mri done and my brain is perfectly healthy. 

I guess I'm just looking for some way to untangle and deal with this. I'm on 150 mg of zoloft but I know ssris take a good month to work. 

I'm just so afraid of being delusional or psychotic or having some type of dissorder that would keep me from loving my husband and living my life as well as taking care of my baby that is on the way.