Why is it that I can never be fucking satisfied with a picture of myself? Like, I ordered two wigs online and they just came in the mail. Super excited I was about it, I was even singing and dancing all while opening said packages. 

Then comes the moment I try them on. I love them. They are beautiful, perfect. The colors are so nice and silky, and I think I look super cute in them in the mirror. 

Usually I like to post on social media of any new purchases/milestones in my life, so I thought I ought to take a picture. Boy…

I went from four different angled photos to about 3k in the span of an hour. Each pictures getting more frustrating than the last. THEN when my phone is screaming at me “low battery” then that’s when I reluctantly decide to stop. So then another hour skids by of just cherry picking the ‘good’ photos.

Fighting the urge of using filters and garbage like that is hard as hell. But I caved, and edited the ‘good photos.’ After doing so, it gave me a false sense of security, temporarily. 

Finally I post the shit, to only remove it not even a minute later. I get an all too familiar, fearful pang in my heart. Suddenly all the ‘What ifs’ come bursting into my mind at mock speed. 

*What if someone mentions how big my nose is.*

*What if someone declares me unphotogenic?* 

*Am I posed okay? Is the angle too much? What if people think i’m trying too hard?*

Seriously like who gives a fuck but still I just can’t get over this. These thoughts are an endless cycle and then in the end NOTHING gets posted. It may seem trivial, it probably is, but it’s exhausting when the world we live in today is so…. beauty oriented? I’m not wven sure what the right word is. 

this also goes along with taking photos with friends, family, or just about anything.. 

I guess this is moreso a vent, but thank you for reading if you did.