My girlfriend and I have been together for nearly a year now and both have BPD. Through me getting kicked out of home from my abusive mother, being homeless and having to live with her for three months, moving in together every up and down she’s been by my side.
Lately my mental health has been at an all time low. Every day feels like depression but i’ve always been conditioned to mask and come across as vv high functioning. I can’t take care of my hygiene and appearance anymore to the point that i’m a completely unrecognisable person to when we first dated. I can’t help but think she finds me disgusting. My anxiety lately has made my ibs so bad that i’ve had involuntary bowel movements. Which now as we live together, i cannot hide very well if it happens lol so fking embarrassing. I feel so worthless and gross that i cannot have sex anymore, it’s not that my libido is completely gone,,,it’s that i’m disgusted at the thought of myself engaging in sexual activities anymore. She will try and try and try to initiate but I can and I feel abusive and horrible from withholding that from her as it’s months. I’ve noticed that she doesn’t really compliment my physical features anymore which used to be all the time. It’s not that I blame her, as I said before I cannot put effort in anymore. Lately, she’s so disconnected to me, we are around each other all the time but it’s like she’s not there. I’m always irritating her, when all I want is a little attention. Not that I even deserve that from her. I just don’t know what to do anymore, it seems i’m a burden to her and i don’t know how to make everything better. I just want the old me back so she will love me again.