God. I know BPD doesn’t make me who I am but it sure feels like it. I have no clue at all who I am emotionally and mentally. I want to be better but I just can’t. 

Therapy, medicine, God, people.. I have had loads of help but when I lose myself I can’t even talk. My head and body hurt from a breakdown because I kept hitting myself and couldn’t stop. 

My thoughts are so overwhelming and I just want to scream and cry but when I do I feel like it’s not even me. Like it’s not enough. I want more help but with how I am I know I will be put in the mental hospital and I’m not going back unless I failed at suicide again and not  for another episode.  

My life is a mess. My family is broken. My sister said that because her husband didn’t go all the way with me that I should get over what he did to me.. my job is so stressful and anytime I try and do my best in something it always fails. I can do things but not good enough. 

I can’t wait to be good enough one day because I don’t want to do something to myself that’ll hurt the two people who love me the most and my pets. I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m tried of always feeling like a human sand-timer of depression. I’m tired of not knowing who I am. I’m just so tired. . 

BPD.. you suck but I WILL get better one day. I owe it to myself. We all do.