&amp;#x200B;

i found out through social media, with the app suggesting me to add her, I don't but her account is public. I shouldn't have looked cuz this shit triggers me. I saw that she is in the area I live in now, and had moved away from the state she recently she was living. Not sure if she is here to stay. 

She and my BF dated back in highschool and after for a few years (5 or 6). she cheated on him with his best friend. BF is now friends with both of them again. BF and his ex talk sometimes especially when he is going through hard stuff personally.

IDK I just feel fucked. I have BPD tendencies and major abandonment issues. I don't act out constantly but I have a hard time keeping my head straight and that makes me wonder and wonder and fume over stuff for a while before I snap and raise my voice, sometimes cry or just shut down. I've been doing better though despite all the stress. BF shows me love, supports me and reassures he loves me and doesn't hella resent me. He continues to step up for my teen kid (not his biological kid).

So upset though, like why am I immediately worried BF is going to fall back in love with his ex and cheat on me? IDK how to cope. I have a DBT book and still trying out a new therapist (so far not compatible much). Really off-track with recovery. When work started for me again in Dec I started working non-stop since then and have been trying to "catch-up" with everything else since then.

I keep remembering when he last got mad at me and said "get a fucking hobby!" I do have hobbies but I am usually too drained with house stuff (I do most of the cooking and cleaning), work and schoolwork (getting ready for grad school this fall). So for the past 6 months I haven't had a lot of down time. I get so worried he is going to look at her with no kid, no strings and artsy/active/exploring hobbies and realize how lame and "crazy" I am. Sorry to use that word but people who are ignorant to this disorder which is most of the people I encounter just see it as that. I start to feel I am supposed to prove I am not crazy or just weird and lame constantly. Worthy enough to stay friends/lovers with. :(