Ight so heres the thing as far back as i can remember ive always been somewhat depressed. And im not the type who uses this term lightly so when i mean depressed i dont mean sad. My mom always said that even when i was happy theres was always a little bit of sadness in my eyes. Im not type who tells everyone im not feeling well so that’s why im here today reddit. I know i shouldn’t feel this way but i feel like i started life with a disadvantage. At 8 i weighted about 160 pounds and i weight 360 at 17. I love my mom to death but goddamn i can’t deny that she used to feed me way too much. Anyways i always remember being extremely anxious too, i remember when i first started school i used to cry everyday cause i thought my mom died. No logic or reasoning was involved it was pure anxiety. I remember that it just made everything worse when she told me that she had multiple sclerosis. My father is a very agressive person. He never was violent with me but he used to scare me alot. My brother too was an extremely aggressive person. I used to look up to him cause he was selling drugs and he had a beautiful cadillac. I thought he was the coolest dude ever so i tried to be like him. The only thing it did was bringing tears to my moms eyes. I also recently got diagnosed with a pleomorphic adenoma. Basically its a benign tumor that has to be removed or else it pretty much has a 100% chance of turning into a cancer. The problem with the surgery  is i risk being paralyzed in the face and/or disfigured. I also think i might have high blood pressure. Although not diagnosed, i can hear my heartbeat and when i eat too much sodium i feel hot and lightheaded. Like man im 17 and i have the same problems as a 50yrs old dude.Also i never had any success with girls because of my weight which pisses me off alot. Girls dont find me ugly, they find me disgusting. I remember in high school i could sometimes hear them talking about how fat i am. I luckily never got bullied tho. I always hang out with the "cool kid" and i was known for beating people who talked shit about me so it kinda helped me. The reality is its just a defence mechanism because im not really a fighter. I was extremely mean to some people just so they dont see me as a prey. Anyways its just that i dont have much ambition these days im super anxious and i might get disfigured in a few weeks its a very bad time in my life rn. Thks for everyone who read all that.

Ps sorry for the bad english i speak french in my household english is not my primary language