Posted this elsewhere, not sure if it applies here. 

We (26, 27) have known each other a little over a  year and been together officially for awhile now. 

There have been more ups and downs than I would like to admit. Much of them due to me and some toxic / unhealthy behaviors. Sadly many of my actions have cause my guy to be different. It hurts knowing I’ve been abusive. 

For reference, some of my bad behaviors are:

• Abandonment issues
• Black and white thinking 
• Out of proportion reactions 
• Push and pull type behavior 

The list goes on... 

What inspired me to write this is a conversation we recently had. He casually brought up how he doesn’t talk to his female friends anymore since I get so jealous. My last emotional outburst was not long ago when he joked that he had put his phone down because a girls pic came up on ig. Even through it was someone we both know... 
Somehow that triggered me to say we should not be together if he can’t be himself with me. 

These comments highlighted some of my issues and dysfunction in our relationship. I have been doing some internal evaluation. More and more realizing some of the ways I have been and how they have affected us and other aspects of life. 

I have always been aware that I have some problems, but lately I have been more awake than ever before. It feels like growing pains are kicking in hard and it is very uncomfortable to shed light on the shadows. 

I have been wondering why someone would be with someone like me. He claims to be in love, but I wonder what qualities I have shown that would make him feel that way. I get attached, but love is complicated for me. I can not help but wonder if he started liking me because I liked him. I met him just after a bad breakup. Told him I did not want that to happen. Then displayed an army of red flags. 

He tells me he knows I do not mean to be that way. Says he likes me because when things are good they are great (I have asked him). So on &amp; so forth. Sometimes his encouragements come off as trying to fix me. Still he says he loves me..

He tells me everyone has something and that he has his own version of crazy. I am not really sure what it is because I have been so blinded by my own actions. I do get mad at him, but I always justify that I am way worst. 

I keep ebbing between being positive about my future and ours together, and thinking that I’m being unrealistic with all that has happened so far and how I have been / am. Realistically it’ll take time to rewire myself. 

Not really sure what I am hoping for in writing this here. Maybe some insight. I know there’s probably going to be some stuff I don’t like in the comments, but may have to face. I can’t have this talk with him now. I discuss things related to hypotheticals too often and he’d appreciate if I lived in the moment more. 

Disclaimer: I have mental health issues that I thought I could tackle on my own. I am finally aware enough to realize I need the extra help. Taking therapy seriously this year is my plan. You can draw your own conclusions as to my condition(s). 

TLDR: My toxicities have seeped into my relationship. I want to repair the damage