I normally treat everyone with respect. Last month, I had a situation where I shocked myself -- I called someone who I felt violated my boundaries swear words and lashed out out someone else who I felt was supporting them. I felt no empathy at all. They seemed terrified of me.

Is this normal behavior for me? No. Can I make excuses for myself? Yes, I have some strong mental illness and it was a PTSD trigger, but I don't want to. However, my behavior scares the shit out of me because it felt like I wasn't in control--it felt like my brain turned into my father and took the wheel.

Do these people know I don't normally act this way? No, I probably seem like a monster. I start DBT tomorrow because this behavior disturbed me so much. But I only ever read about victims--not help for people who grew up with verbally abusive behavior as the norm reverting in times of stress. I want resources to help break the cycle. Is this out there? Is it just therapy?

Lately, I've been practicing respectfully pausing conversations that start to irritate me and coming back to them in an attempt to prevent that kind of outburst. I honestly used to struggle with being verbally abusive as a teenager but got better as I got older except for this recent incident. I want to take accountability and do everything I can do not hurt others again even if they hurt me.