I don't know who I am. I always thought that it was normal when I was 15 or 16 but now I'm 19 years and I still feel the same. 

My tastes are constantly changing : I never know how to dress because I think I like a style then I don't and my interest move to another one and another; same thing for my sexual orientation, I'm sure I like men but there was a time I thought I was bi and then pan and now I don't know. I don't know what I want to do for a living either. Because of that I don't think I understand me and I don't think anybody does either. 

And I feel like I'm constantly feeling empty and because of that I have trouble identifying and describing some emotions. 

I'm also very socially awkward : I was always shy and now it's worse. I don't know if it's because I was bullied when I was in primary school and in the beginning of middle school but since high school it got really worse. I'm really anxious in crowded areas and also when I speak to strangers but it depends. When I talk to only one stranger and I'm just answering their questions then It's fine but if I'm the one that has to make conversations I can't, like I genuinely don't know what to say. I still try but It's really awkward. When I talk to more than 1 stranger then I don't talk at all. When people look at me without talking to me I also get really nervous.

I started college this september and because of allbof that I don't have any friends, I'm not even in the class group on whatsapp. I think that it's good in a way because I have serious trust issues but it would still be great to have someone to talk to. I don't participate in class because I always hated it, like I'm really anxious about talking in front of the class. I even count people in class to know what paragraph I have to read or which question I have to answer because I think that by doing that I can rehearse and not be embarassed but I still feel like an idiot because I still end up stuttering. I use to think that I had social phobia because of all of this but now I don't know. 

I experience derealization and depersonalieation when I'm feeling really anxious. I thought it was because I smoke weed in high school and I did a bad trip where I experience this for the first time (but 10 times worse) and because I read that doing a bad trip could trigger derealization &amp; depersonalization I thought that it just kind of stuck with me I guess ? 

But then I read that those are dissociative symptoms of borderline personality disorser so I took a few online tests (yes I know, it's not the same as being officially diagnosed) and it said that I have it but it just feel weird because I don't have an explosive anger like I barely know how I feel all the time, like I said I just feel sort of empty (which is also a symptom of BPD apparently). I also took other tests for other personality disorders and it told me that I have avoidant personality disorder ???? I'm kind of lost because I read that it can be misdiagnosed with BPD and that BPD could be misdiagnosed with AvPD. Can one person have several personality disorders? Do you think I have both of them or just one or something else ? 

I know I should just see a psychatrist to get a diagnosis but It's currently not possible for me to do so. I live in a small village in Belgium (so sorry about my english btw) and I don't have my driver license yet so It's complicated because I already have my mom to drive me to college and she basically thinks that people that go to psychatrist and people with mental illness in general are all insane and need to be put in a asyllum (she also thinks that psychatrists are insane themselves, it's stupid) so I really want to avoid her judgement for now. 

It's really long so I'm sorry for that (I think i forgot to write a few things also) and sorry for my English too. 
It was really weird to tell all of that so I hope I can have a few tips or just an answer (I think I'll be really embarassed if have none) ! Thanks.