idk, I remember since I was a kid, every time I cried I was scolded or lightly beaten. Every time I was sad I was called names, and was berated because I ruined my families mood. I was sad a lot lol.

 I was suicidal when I was 13, and actively planned on killing myself when I was 15. My uncle killed himself a little before I could and just the memory of the funeral and the subsequent sorrow my mom experienced was enough for me to not consider suicide viable for 8 years. 

I remember getting really drunk at 16 and when my mom scolded me "were you really that bored that you had to get that drunk" I idiotically blurted out "yeah, bored of life" and then went on a tangent about how I was really apathetic of everything and alluded to suicidal thoughts. In the morning she just told me "how could you do and say that to me, after all I've been through", she was legit mad at me for a week lol.

I still live with them at 23, and last night my sister was kinda bummed out, and while consoling her,  my mom said it's normal to feel sad and casually mentioned how I'm always happy and upbeat as a compliment, I guess?! Haven't felt happy in ages and every time I've shown sadness I was labeled as a wanker! Guess I'm a great actor at least.