So, I'm a 37 yr old stay at home father. 3 school age children. Looking back I've been struggling with BPD for most of my life. My resume is covered with jobs that all lasted less than two years, each. I went to college, after the military. Bounced around from one unhappy job to the next not realizing, I was sabotaging, each one.  I always blamed my employer for my reasons for eventually leaving. 


I currently am a stay at home father and am feeling incredibly scared at the idea that I will never find a job that "I can handle."  

My wife works her ass off. Allows me the room I need to stay "in control." She is wonderful. However, I am constantly filled with shame when I see her come home exhausted, knowing that, I went to college (she did not). I feel I should be helping. I don't feel like I am. I feel like I am wasted space. 

Why do I not just go get a job, you say?  Well, when your resume is riddled with many short employment stretches, you will have a hard time finding an employer that will give you a chance. Plus said, position, must cover the cost of before and after school care for 3 kids (Never gonna happen). 

My wife reminds me of the importance and sense of security, having me home with the kids, allows her to feel, while at work or driving home late, again. Daycare environments are not happy when your late for pickup. I hear her say these things but do not feel "my" importance in the situation.   

1st edit addition 
While I believe I take good care for my children, there are times when all I want to do is be alone. In these moments, hrs, days, it takes everything out of me to just be there for them. Not much house work is getting done. Also, during these times, I tend to "check out" apparently, meaning I'm not there for my wife when she needs some emotional support. 

Bottom line is, I am not emotionally strong enough to take care of myself, and be a supporting spouse, and human. This means I am never able to give what I receive, from my loved ones. That is why I feel like a burden. 
End of 1st edit

Anyone else feel like a burden? Even when their loved ones explain how important their role actually is. 