Hello everyone, I just joined this subreddit. I've been on r/BorderlinePDisorder and just discovered this one. I just really want to get something off my chest. Something that has been eating me alive for months.

I met someone over the summer. I really liked him. I think I fell in love with him, and I say that because he made me feel something I had never felt before. I thought I knew what love was, but after meeting him I'm not sure. 

He made me feel... something. Something weird. Every time we would kiss, I'd get this very warm feeling in my chest. He would touch me anywhere on my body and I'd get goosebumps. No one has ever made me feel that way.

Things are always too good to be true. Almost four months ago, he cut me off. He cut me off because I didn't want to tell him something that happened between my mom and I, and he said he was "uncomfortable being forced to play pretend and kept in the dark when things aren't ok with you." To this day I will never understand what happened. It was like his personality did a complete 180. 

We had so much in common. It was so obvious he had feelings for me because of the things he'd say and do. Even the day he cut me off, he had to reiterate one last time that he did like me.

I can't get over him, and I swear to God I've tried so many times. I only knew him for three weeks but god damn it, it felt like I knew him my whole life. I don't know what he did to me, but I've never been this heartbroken over someone.

I catch myself replaying the day he cut me off in my head, over and over and over. Trying to figure out what it is that I did wrong, what I said that I shouldn't have said, how things got to be that way, etc. It's torture. But I can't help it. I beat myself up all the time saying that everything is somehow my fault when all I did was choose to keep something private?

He said I made him too significant of a figure in my life because I wanted to hang out after I had a bad day...

Really motherfucker? When you were in another state crying over your ex girlfriend you said you wished I was there. "I wish you were here, I just wish we could sleep together" "I'd be hanging out with you right now but you're not here" "There isn't a single thing I don't like about you"

Sending me fucking screenshots of a convo with his ex that made him upset. "I'm glad I met you"

But I'M the one that was too attached, apparently. What the hell. I don't know what I expected from a guy that turned 20 FOUR days before I met him... If it wasn't that serious to him, why did he feel the need to block me on everything? I even told him I'd leave him alone before he did that.

This is driving me insane. There hasn't been a single day that's gone by that he hasn't been on my mind. I miss him and I don't even know why because he hurt me. I still love him. What the hell is wrong with me? I've been wanting to send him a very long message that I have typed up because I desperately need closure, but I'm just so embarrassed and afraid that he'll just hurt me again if I try reaching out to him.

I don't know who that guy was when he cut me off like that. It wasn't the boy I fell for, that's for sure.

I feel like I don't even know what's real anymore...

What do I do? I just want to feel better.