Kind of unnecessary backstory: I had recurrent depressive episodes since I was 13. I had then planned to die before 16, then got freaked out at 16 and moved my death day to when I was 18. It always gave me a weird sense of comfort to know that I would die soon. 
I turned 18 and gave myself a year to kill myself but couldn’t bring myself to any of the times I got close (never really got farther than collecting pills and kind of just sitting there with them, though, so it’s not like I had a proper attempt - which of course I’m very thankful for now)

I’m now 20 and although I’m grateful I didn’t do anything, I can’t shake the feeling that I am a massive coward who should be dead. It’s like I’ve been living on borrowed time for the past two years. 

When I had the worst episode of my life at the end of 2020 that lasted from December until July these thoughts became a bigger issue and I saw a psychiatrist, but since that I’ve been feeling pretty consistently good and stable - feeling emotions and everything! Woo haha!

I just can’t get rid of this weird feeling of being alive when I didn’t really ever plan to be. I feel so lost in this life I never really fully committed to living. Anyone know if this ever goes away or how to shake this off? It doesn’t really bother me much day to day, but at the same time it’s always there if you get me.