I am not financially stable. All my life, my family has struggled with money with one core provider, my grandmother. She went abroad to provide for us, and with some luck (unfortunately for my grandfather) she ruined the marriage of her master and married him. When he died, she inherited everything including a pension that keeps us afloat. I’m not saying it to discount that she’s made sacrifices, I think I just want to set that aside to feel better about myself because she always thinks she’s a saint, and she always tells me god blessed her, but it isn’t so catholic to ruin a marriage at all. I benefited from that money, much so than anyone else because it has put me through college. 

At present she is retired, she is bitter and full of resentment because she is still providing for us financially (my mother has a minimum wage paying job, and I have a deadbeat father). She has been very abusive to me most especially. She would throw money at me in public, and introduce me to her friends as a mouth to feed until she dies. I struggle to hold down a job so she said I could go home so, I stay home with her and put up with this daily. I am expected to do the house chores despite whatever state I’m in. One day, while I was having a breakdown and wanting to die she began berating me for not doing the dishes. At that point, I fought back. I locked myself in a room and I was dissociated and realized I had cut myself to shreds. When my mother found me, my grandmother started yelling and saying “it’s always my fault. youre only kind to me when you want money.” shit like that. And it’s been more or less a month since the incident, and now she’s taken it a habit to call family members—distant ones and random family friends even—to play the victim, how I yelled at her after she put me through college, how I couldn’t think of helping her and finding a job, how I can’t even give share for groceries, how I don’t respect her after everything she’s done for me, how she’s spent for me her whole life and I act so ungrateful. she’s even gone as far as telling people, tears and all,  that I’m making up my mental illness to ABUSE her. I don’t have contact with these people, I mostly keep away from family because they are big triggers and get very involved and judgemental.

I tried to apologize to her on my birthday two weeks ago, even though I wasn’t wrong, my anxiety couldn’t handle the passive aggressiveness of it all, or having someone angry at me. But she didn’t even acknowledge that I invited her for a simple home cooked meal. Today I was washing the dishes, and my uncle approached me saying I have to apologize to her again or else she will cut off all financial help, and will stop paying the house bills, buying groceries, etc etc. everyone is riding on me because I realized even though I was the one who seemed to need her the most, I wasnt the only one. So I did, because I’m a pushover, and talked to her. And of course, she told me, I only talk to her when I need money. And that’s her only role to me. She said once the quarantine is done, I can go live elsewhere and never to talk to her ever again. I want to die. Or maybe she should die.