i’m in my first year of studying in london. i moved here from a different country, absolutely alone. my family and friends are back home. i haven’t made friends here because i’m too anxious to even leave my house. i can barely go to classes and work is killing me because i have to work so much just to pay rent and survive.

i’m 19 living with 30-35 year old roommates who probably hate me because i’m quiet and barely leave my room. they make me so anxious that i can’t use the kitchen or sometimes even the bathroom if someone is around. it doesn’t even matter now, because i’ve stopped eating.

i’m just so unmotivated and depressed. i can’t feel joy anywhere, i don’t enjoy what i’m studying, college makes me anxious and when i’m home i only sleep during the day (i can’t sleep at night). i’m so lonely and suicidal every day.

i wish i could drop out and just go back home, even for a few months, to get help and see my mom and friends and take time to fix my mental health, since the waiting lines for therapy here are 4 months and i can’t afford a private psychologist. but i can’t leave because i’m on pre-settled status and if i leave, i will lose my residency, which i don’t wanna lose because i really want to live in the uk and not my home country. plus, if i drop out and move back, my parents are going to kill me and blame me for being lazy and not trying hard enough.

i don’t know what to do. i don’t feel like i’m living. i might not even make it to the end of the year.