I’m just coming out of my worst episodes to date. Been trying to put to words my experience for someone close to me. Maybe it’s relatable.

Notes on depression:

Imagine when you are calm and your heart rate is as low as can be.

You hold your breath.

First 10 seconds are not noticeable, even comfortable.

15-20 seconds you start feeling pressure build in your chest. Yet still manageable.

30-45 seconds. You feel it, it’s uncomfortable. The pressure in your chest and need for a breath is building up.

When you hit 60. Now you need it.

What if you hit 90. You start to panic.

120. Fuck.


But then maybe you think - I can make it if I take tiny little cheat breaths. 

Sounds like a great idea. And maybe sometimes that works. Unless you are actually under water. Then it’s too late and you just have to wait and see if you’ll make it.

If you’re lucky - most of us are - then you will.

If you’re not… well I wouldn’t write this if I had crossed that bridge.