I’ve been depressed for a lot of my life but recently it’s gotten worse. I used weed and alcohol to self medicate for a while but have been off for a month or so. I know that doesn’t help things either but I’m starting to think I’ll never get My brain back. It just gives out when I try to focus on or think about anything. It will take me days to think through something that used to take minutes or hours. 

The best way I can explain it is it’s like when you workout and your muscles just give out from fatigue. Thoughts just slip out of my mind while I’m trying to worth through something. This really concerns me because my intelligence has been the only thing going for me my whole life and now it’s all falling apart. I’m an idiot compared to how I used to be.

I don’t know how to make this better. I try to think about things and can’t no matter how I try. I try day dreaming but my mind goes blank in less than a minute. My memory is shot and I often have to try really hard to remember something. I sleep plenty. 8 hours a night plus 2-3 hour naps on the weekends if I feel tired. I eat ok. Better now than I used to. I try to go on short walks and get some sun as frequently as I can, but I have an office job so I could probably do better there. I drink plenty of water.

I just don’t have the motivation for anything anymore. I’m out of energy and have nobody to lean on. All my energy goes to surviving. I spend some time with coworkers after work 2-3 days a week but other than that don’t really have friends. I’m just at a point were working to be happy takes too much energy. I’ve always been the type who thought that when times get tough you just get yourself out of it the best you can but I can’t do it anymore. It’s not working and I don’t have the energy to try anymore. 

So I’m just kinda here existing. I don’t want to hurt myself, I just don’t have why it takes to get better. Life has just beat me down and I don’t have it in me to get up anymore.

For any who might ask, yes I’m going to therapy and no I’m not on any medication. I’ve tried it plenty in the past and it just doesn’t help.