i hope i didn’t fuck anything up.
*also, 90% sure i wasn’t an asshole/didn’t say anything rude/toxic when we were together, and that i’m just overthinking and scared i did because i’m terrified of being toxic and abusive*

we met 3 years ago in the hospital. we were 15 years old in inpatient.
ik we started talking before the pandemic, but i had another traumatic event fall 2019, so my memory is patchy. 
ik he loved me, so much, he said it countless number of times, he offered to drive the couple hours in between us to see me (i was 16, almost 17, he was 17, so that wasn’t easy with parents&amp;all, but he was sincere about it). he cared so much and i could barely reciprocate it, i say it in the “text” below, but that was when i experienced my worst traumatic experience to date. i was forced to do horrible things, no fucking word fits because nothing captures the degradation and dehumanization of the event. when covid happened my severe depressive episode began.
he worried about me so much and i could barely respond, i let him know (when i could) that i didn’t have the energy to talk to anyone and that it wasn’t him, i think he knew but i still feel so horrible. i really loved him. so much. i still do. he was just so incredibly kind. i miss him so much. i’ve probably fucked everything up with how clingy and crazy i sound. like i said i’m terrified of being toxic so if anyone is scrolling on reddit and has the time to read, please let me know.


“hey. first, apologies in advance for how long this is.

i want to say it was last year, but with the pandemic i honestly don’t know anymore—
i wasn’t my best. i don’t know how much i thanked you before (or if i even did), but i wanted to thank you for being there, and trying to make things work regardless of how bad my depression was. you didn’t deserve to deal with that.
when we were talking in spring 2020, i went through what is probably the most traumatic event i’ve ever been through to date. i wasn’t in the right mindset to have responded to you the way i would have wanted to. i should’ve spoken up about that, or at least better explained how i was feeling, not as an excuse, but so you would know it wasn’t your fault when i couldn’t put in enough energy. that just wasn’t fair. 

i never processed what i went through, and i think i might have taken it out on you. i don’t remember deleting our text messages, but i guess i did. with no way to check, i’ve been thinking i said the worst of the worst. i wish this apology could be more direct; i just want to say sorry, i’m really sorry [redacted], you didn’t deserve to deal with any of that. 
i still remember the kind words you said, and even though i was dealing with something i should’ve been hospitalized for, you helped, so much.
i usually attract toxic people or predators—my therapist in the hospital used the term “trauma cycle”, it honestly fits really well. i’ve only been comfortable around people who aren’t good to me, because i’ve only been around those types of people. i wasn’t used to how nice you were and how much you cared. i think you being you, just sweet and kind and not like any person i had been with before, made me feel uncomfortable—along with my depression and trauma, i think this is why i pushed you away. 

i just got out of the hospital— where i talked about that trauma in-depth for the first time —but i had been thinking of sending this for a while before i went in; it’s not like this is impulsive or i’m trying to ‘cover up my pain’. 
i’ve been wondering (and worrying) about how you’ve been doing. i kept thinking about reaching out to you but i’m honestly afraid that you’ll have a girlfriend (&amp;she’ll be pissed) or you wouldn’t want to be friends. i could understand if you wouldn’t want to be (for healthy boundaries sake, yk).

(if you want) i’d love to hear what has all happened in the past year for you. the good, the bad, shows you’ve binged on netflix, or whatever you’re comfortable with. i think i saw that you’re going to [campus name]? what are you going to major in? 
to lighten this up more, some positive things is that i want to become a doctor, specifically a psychiatrist (as of the moment). i’m moving into [campus name] early on the 14th, i was accepted into their “redacted” program. if you would ever want to visit (i think it’s close to [city name]?) i could give you a tour of campus? or maybe if you even wanted to come down to [city name], i definitely know the best places to go. ik this is ridiculously long, but i like being thorough and to try to make sure everything is covered (my sister says i should be a lawyer). i think you deserve a good explanation too. 
i hope this hasn’t made you uncomfortable—no pressure to respond.”

i. hate. my. self.
god.
fuck bpd. 
i hate how i try to lighten shit up and you can’t even tell bc i dumped so much shit on him and it just makes me seem inconsiderate and immature i hate myself wtf was i thinking sending this 

i’m actually crazy. i can imagine getting engaged to him and a perfect little life where i’m in med school and he’s in grad school becoming a teacher, i can imagine posting on instagram one of those poses where you stick out your ring finger showing off your engagement ring but we’re both laughing and holding each other in front of the hospital i learn/work at and i’m in my scrubs bc i also just started my residency and he has a loopy, happy grin on.