I don’t understand. I got help. And i got better. Two weeks ago i was amazing. I was happy. Did i still feel deep down that im miserable and i hate myself? Yes. But it wasn’t this bad. I’ve reached the point where i can’t get out of bed again. I take double or triple the melatonin im prescribed so i can fall asleep after hours of trying. My heart is beating so fast all the time non stop again and all i want to do it close my eyes and go into a deep slumber forever. Im so overwhelmed that i feel like if i stop holding all my emotions back im gonna break down and in the middle of a panic attack im gonna get super aggressive. Because i have all this anger inside of me and im scared and horrified of these urges i get to hurt people or SH even worse than before. I want to rip the skin off my body because this is not who i want to be. On top of that I don’t like being a girl. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror but that’s a whole other issue. My issue now is that I can’t do life anymore and im done fighting. My own mom told me I won’t make it till im 18 and she’s right. But after getting better i don’t have the courage to turn to my psychiatrist who is so proud of me to tell her im not at square one but im even worse. I don’t want to be around people i just want to lock myself in a room with some music for a long time and just rest. Im so sick that my body is aching all the time and i just want everything to stop. Nothing is helping me anymore and with school starting the anxiety and ADHD are gonna get worse. The sensory issues are gonna get so much WORSE. There’s gonna be so many people and so many things that trigger me and the teachers don’t give two sh!ts even tho it’s a private school. I think i may be on the spectrum but my parents would never accept that. But it may explain so much. I don’t know why my mental health is declining so much when i don’t have an excuse good enough to be like this. And there aren’t enough words to describe how awful i feel, how im drained and how ive already given up inside and im just waiting for my body to follow