I don't remember much of my childhood. But my first memory was my mom trying to comfort me while my dad had gone off to fume on his own after spanking me. When I was 3. 

I also remember being 5 and my parents almost getting a divorce because my dad couldn't stop physically and emotionally abusing me. It was always me. Not my sister. Because I was the naughty child. I didn't understand the rules. And Dad thought screaming insults and hitting me was going to fix that. As if he was ignoring the autism diagnosis I got when I was 3.

Dad was relatively normal after almost leaving the family for two weeks in kindergarten. But I never trusted him. He had broken me and there was no going back.

Looking back I see a pattern of my impulsivity and ignorance, no doubt products of autism and adhd. And with that pattern comes my parents giving me less respect than my younger sister, because I was "spoiling my priveleges."

On Christmas Eve in second grade, I was punished for some reason I don't remember. My family was roasting marshmallows and told me I couldn't eat any or sit with them by the fire. I sat in the bathroom and sobbed for most of the night, before deciding that I wanted to decapitate myself with a kitchen knife. I asked my mom which knife was strong enough to cut through my neck.

She burst out laughing. "Aren't you a dramatic little actress? Look at you, you have no reason to be sad. It's Christmas Eve. Stop acting like this, you're ruining our night."

A year later when my aunt screamed at me for an hour after I had a sensory overload at McDonald's, my mom decided to cut contact with her and my cousins, who I loved dearly. I tried to drown myself at a hotel pool, thought about jumping out the third story window. Mom still thought I was in a healthy state of mind, despite my expression of suicidal ideation.

In fourth grade, my impulsivity got worse. I constantly lashed out at my peers and teachers, screamed on the floor for hours, began to have my sexual awakening, as I was already a year or two into puberty. I drove my classmates away with my strange and unpredictable behavior. At this point my mom had me tested for hyperthyroidism, as she couldn't see any other reason for my mental instability. The test was negative, and the psychiatrist said I had severe depression.

I was put on venlafaxine when I was 10. I'm still on it, since the withdrawal symptoms are too intense for me to go off it.

In 5th grade, I had a crush on my friend. We had a good friendship, until he decided to ignore me for a day. He said it was an "experiment" to see how clingy I was. He continued to tease me, humiliate me, and drove me to the point of losing all my dignity. I followed him everywhere, pleaded for his attention, tried to kiss him... and got a restraining order and a suspension. I still didn't understand what was wrong with me but I was terrified of myself. I had no control over my actions, my emotions were too strong.

Middle school was a blur of loneliness, until 8th grade when I transferred to an alternative school. I made friends, explored sexually with both girls and boys, tried different gender presentations. I was at an all time high. I had a boyfriend who I loved very much.

That is until I realized I felt more comfortable presenting as male. I came out, changed my name and pronouns, thought it would be amazing... until I was rejected by everyone. My boyfriend broke up with me, my parents refused to acknowledge my identity, I had no one who understood.

I turned to self harm for the first time. I felt so lonely and empty. Any reminder of my now ex boyfriend triggered me into crying for hours, feeling physical pain. I felt something akin to grief, but it was a constant heaviness. I felt so abandoned.

Throughout high school, I disociated from my past. Memories didn't feel like mine. I had no concept of time. I was fragile, any sad song could trigger my emotional pain. I asked to be turned in to a program towards the end of freshman year, and went to a dbt group every day for two months.

It was so fucking utterly useless. I couldn't talk about my personal problems and triggers, as they could trigger my peers. So I held it all in and sat in a mostly empty room at the hospital while listening to the therapist talk about calming strategies.

I even tried switching medication to cymbalta, but that just made everything feel numb and lifeless. I was physically unable to cry. My self harming got worse. Gender dysphoria was consuming me.

Eventually in sophomore year, I was almost at a happy place. I was on venlafaxine and abilify, I felt good about myself. I was in a long distance relationship which brought me immense joy.

Then my relationship ended due to my partner's suicide attempt. And then quarantine started.

I went through several dysfunction friendships and relationships, attempted suicide a few times in various ways... until the summer when I began to explore my sexuality again.

I was able to enjoy being sexual without dysphoria getting in the way for the first time. And I felt more alive than I had in years. I felt sexy, confident, and euphoric. I had learned to accept my body wherever it was at from an online friend, who helped me discover so much about myself.

I had made a friend with benefits in real life, who I hooked up with at one point...

And that's when my parents began going through my phone. Finding my conversations where I asked questions about how certain sexual things worked, sent and recieved nudes, roleplayed... they still had restrictions on my phone, so they locked me out of it and told me they were taking it away indefinitely. Told me I couldn't meet up with anyone anymore. Wouldn't even let me make phone calls on the land line without their supervision.

I was 16.

And I was fucking angry. Depressed. Anxious. Manic. Desperate to escape. So I ran away to stay with a few different friends over a month, until my parents called the police and forced me to come home.

At this point I had my own phone, and eventually got a computer from my friend, which I now use without any restrictions from my parents. I contact one of the mothers in my support network for help now, instead of my parents. I got a family therapist, who convinced my parents to put me in a new school where I would have a fresh start and lots of support.

The school is great. Honestly, I'm doing amazing. But I am alienated from my family. Seen as an outcast. My sister hasn't spoken a full sentence to me since I ran away. That was September 2020.

I'm approaching 18, awaiting a better future where no one will force me to live with my parents. 

But I can barely function at the moment. I have talked with my therapist, who said that I would be diagnosed with bpd if I were an adult. I can't see my future. It's all just the same thing that keeps happening: I find a new person. I get attatched to them. They try to escape my clinginess. I freak out and say something horrible. They never talk to me again. I don't feel fulfilled, no matter how many friends I have. I obsess over people, stalk them, get irrationally upset at every small trigger. Think about suicide every time I am left without someone to comfort me. I can't be alone with my thoughts.

I have started to see myself as a clown. Because of my strong emotions. My outrageous beliefs and actions. I feel like everyone is laughing at me. And yet I'm not performing. I feel as if I am a puppet on a string, being manipulated by my emotions. Forced to lash out. Forced to cling. And always alone. I don't have a strong desire to live.

I am working so hard to function, and yet I'm barely passing school. I don't clean my room. I don't brush my teeth. Everything is exhausting and all everyone does about it is give me more tasks to complete. I'm at the end of my rope. I can't even imagine graduating high school, and I have another year to go. I can't talk to anyone about my problems because my friends can't handle my rants. They abandon me because my emotions are burdening them as well. I only see my therapist once a week. My peers are learning to drive, getting jobs... meanwhile I can't even think about those things without feeling overwhelmed. How am I going to fucking survive adulthood?

Please leave some kind words and/or advice. I'm seriously lost right now.