I suffer from severe anxiety, ocd, and depression. I've tried therapy and so many different medications and it just feels like there's nothing left. Meditation and breathing and everything and it just feels endless.



Its like, I hate my brain yknow? I wish it would just let me talk to people. Just let me believe that people dont secretly think im abhorrent and hateful and gross. Why am I so scared to talk to my friends? Not even strangers, my friends. 


im so fucking exhausted


I just want to feel like a normal person. I want to feel like a friend in a friend group joking around and bonding with people but instead I'm always just overthinking and in my own head and terrified and panicking from the pressure to say something 'not weird' so I never send anything.


I'm so paralyzed by the idea of being silently judged for a meme or an emoji or music or a post or how i talk and its a vicious cycle - I try. I overthink and my thoughts are terrible to me. I feel weird and hate myself. I isolate. Because I'm isolating I get even worse at socialising. Next time I try I overthink. Repeat. Sometimes friends stop talking to me or get annoyed bc im not hanging oit and thats terrible too.


I want to be vulnerable and comfortable and happy but i dont even know how to be those things anymore. 


I dont even know what to do anymore, i just want relief


even while posting this my brain wouldnt shut up about how awful i am for doing it. how reading this will make someones day worse. how im going to be judged for formatting or missing a rule or something. sigh