So this guy and I weren't really friends yet; we were more like potential friends. Long story short is that I ruined everything. Yes, it was all me. 


I'm not sure if I destroyed that bridge entirely but I at least badly damaged it. He did say that he didn't want to talk to me because I was assuming the worst about him and am too quick to jump to bad conclusions, aka I was devaluing him (he didn't use those words and didn't know that I was. I never told him about that or BPD). and I made him a bit nervous because of a couple abrupt mood/emotional changes I showed. 


I don't think I did anything psycho, or heinous, but I did treat him badly and unfairly. I've said a lot worse things in the past to others, some who left and some who understand that I don't mean any of it and so don't take it seriously (of course he hadn't known me long enough for that). But still. I don't get the impression that he "actively" hates me per se. 


Anyway, I'm devastated. I know he was just a potential friend but we clicked quickly and we could have had a really great friendship if my stupidity and issues didn't get in the way and make me self sabotage again. We had such a great time together when we did meet up. I also feel immense guilt and shame because of it. And I do empathise with him and his perspective when I'm not in a rage or devaluing him. So I wish I could do something directly to make it better. 


It also is another instance of self sabotage and being abandoned/left yet again. I know it is my fault that yet another person did that again but that doesn't make it any better. Now I'm devaluing myself pretty hard even though a longer-time actual friend said I am being too hard on myself (doesn't know I have these issues and I don't have this cycle with him). And weirdly idealizing the person who left again. 


I apologised and told him I'm starting some therapy (true. And for myself not for him, so my motivation is right enough to have a chance of success) and he said he forgives me but doesn't want to hang out anytime soon. Does "soon" mean there's hope sometime in the future that he'll come back? Or am I overanalysing out of some desperate hope that won't be fulfilled? He didn't say if he'll still not talk to me, even if just text or phone (if he did that I could probably rebuild things). Does that mean he probably would talk that way? we don't have much of a foundation at this point honestly. But he seems to be a kind person (I've seen him be extremely kind and generous even to strangers) so I'm not sure. 


He hasn't blocked me on anything or explicitly told me not to communicate in any way. Just that he was uncomfortable talking to me *while* I was assuming the worst. But maybe I'm just over analyzing there too. 


Have you ever had anyone come back? The several friends I have that don't take me seriously when I've told them I never want to speak to them again and I hate them etc etc when devaluing them were my friends for a fairly long while before I had any sort of cycle show up like this. The vast majority of the time I idealise them anyway. But this was not super long after meeting. We do have mutual friends and acquaintances but it's not a sure thing that we'll cross paths unless we deliberately do so.  


Have you ever had someone give you a second chance? Especially if you haven't known each other that long? What did you do to convince them? Did anyone just come back even without you trying to convince them? 


I'm going to be strong and not contact him for awhile (a few weeks to a few months) but maybe I shouldn't contact him ever? As in, never ever send a first contact him at any time in the future? Or after some time it would be worth it? 


We have a lot in common, especially certain aspects of our lives that most people haven't experienced (not bpd. other stuff). So I think it could be a really valuable connection for both of us if I didn't fuck it up too much. 