This is really hard for me. I’ve never spoken out about any of this in my life since I was 12, some people close to me have found out but even then I could never tell anyone the full truth.

As a background I’ve suffered from depression like symptoms (i’ve never been diagnosed so that’s why i’m saying that i’ve felt those symptoms) alongside with (**past) suicidal tendencies and thoughts since i was in elementary school. I’ve resorted to the unfortunate self harm and other self degrading coping mechanisms that i deeply regret with scars and constant flashbacks of those memories still haunt me to this day. I’ve also dealt with eating disorder habits that i’m mostly past now since i’ve found my love for working out (one of the things that’s helped me immensely). As i’ve gotten older, i sometimes have had the urge to go back to my ways 
but i’ve never actually acted on it. 

The reason why I’m mentioning this is because the times that I’ve thought about doing ‘it’ again is while I’m with my current boyfriend. 

He is so sweet and kind and always tells me that i can tell him anything and knows i have things going in my life like the normal stressors (school, work, family&amp;friends stressors). 

Though, since all these mental health issues is something that i have kept secret (and i mean very secret i’ve done all and tried to my best efforts consuming my life so nobody found out) for almost ten years now. I just want to tell him and open up but i’m afraid that he will see me differently. In reality i know when someone that you always see as happy and outgoing tells you these secrets that you can’t help but look at them differently, but the issue i’m concerned with is that he will think that he needs to sugar coat or walk on egg shells so he wouldn’t trigger me. Everything does at this point in my life but him, and that’s so hard to explain into words if i’d wanted to tell him. He’s never noticed my scars and with my pretty strict skin care routine that i also do on my scars it’s faded a lot so i don’t blame him for not seeing them. 

I. just. don’t. know. how. to. say. it.

How do i even start up a conversation like that as if we’re just having a normal conversation? You can’t! I can’t quite put it into words what i’m afraid of but just that i am. I wish i could just go back in time to never have done those things. 

Is it bad if I just not tell him or just open up a little bit don’t say all my problems? Is it really that bad that he doesn’t know every depressing secret about me? 
Please if you have experience telling your partner about certain subjects like this, I would really appreciate how it went down and the reaction from both parties (if you are comfortable to of course). 
I just can’t live any longer with these secrets eating at me and i want to tell someone but i’ve been so conditioned to hide it that it’s so extremely uncomfortable, no matter how close or how must trust i have in someone.