So for years now...I haven't been having any will to do anything...at least anything that involves leaving the house  


  
I will wake up early, go and make myself breakfast or lunch, and actually 𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐢𝐭.  
Sometimes I'll even clean the whole apartment, engage in some good old self care, whether it be for health or aesthetic reasons.  
I get these things done, but other than that, I have no wish to go outside, hang out with other people, do anything that involves leaving the house.  
In fact, I don't remember the last time someone advised me or invited me to go outside..that I haven't gotten somewhat angry (inwardly) and irritated. Especially if it's something mundane or insignificant as a walk for.  


I would ask myself, and still do to this day..why I should go outside? What's the point?   
It's not like a walk will add anything to my life, it's boring..and the amount of time it takes to get ready (𝐢𝐧 𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐛𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐬𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐛𝐲 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐬)...just makes it sound tedious.  
Well..everything sounds 𝓽𝓮𝓭𝓲𝓸𝓾𝓼. Restaurants, museums, shopping malls, parks, the beach, cafes, you insert whatever you like/like doing..it's all so boring to me.  
Maybe I am an uneducated, uninteresting, uninspiring human being and that's why I fail to see the joy in these activities, but enjoying them doesn't come naturally to me.  
I think maybe it never has.   


This could be depression, and it probably is to a certain degree, but what if it's a manifestation of adhd? You see, 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐦𝐞 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐧 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐞𝐟𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐭 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐫𝐞𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐝.  
If something takes a lot of effort but is not rewarding for me..then there is no point in doing it.  
𝐈 𝐦𝐞𝐚𝐧, 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐬𝐚𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐚𝐣𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐨𝐟 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞, 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐈 𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐰𝐚𝐲 𝐨𝐟 𝐥𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨 𝐚 𝐰𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐞 𝐧𝐞𝐰 𝐥𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐥.  
Take a restaurant..many people say that they can eat food without cooking it themselves, but the amount of time it takes to get ready, travel to the location and then travel/drive back home..is probably more than the amount of time it takes to cook it yourself. All of that to what? EAT? I'll pass.  
Okay, some people like to be social and enjoy the ambience..but I prefer eating at home where I'm comfortable.  
Same thing with anything else, staring at pictures in museums, sitting in a cafe and having conversations.. just not stimulating..no matter what you suggest to me, I'll always prefer my home.  
Now..𝐢𝐭'𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐚 𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐨𝐟 𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐢𝐭𝐮𝐝𝐞, it's not like I choose to not do these things even though maybe I'd enjoy them, just because I think they're a waste of time. 𝐈 𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐚𝐜𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐈 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲'𝐫𝐞 𝐚 𝐰𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐨𝐨 𝐦𝐮𝐜𝐡 𝐞𝐟𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐭, 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐚𝐬 𝐦𝐮𝐜𝐡 𝐫𝐞𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐝..𝐚𝐬 𝐚 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐟𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭 𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐞.  


𝐀𝐜𝐭𝐮𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲..𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐬..𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐨𝐜𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐬 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐈'𝐦 𝐨𝐮𝐭𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞, 𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞'𝐬 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐨𝐫 𝐚𝐛𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞, 𝐢𝐬 𝐚𝐬 𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐮𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐬 𝐦𝐲 𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬 𝐨𝐫 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐈 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐝𝐨 𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐲 𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝟒 𝐰𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐬.  
I know I can't keep on living like this though, I have to have some life experience and develop better communication skills, I have to make memories to look back on when I'm older and not feel shame, guilt and regret for not having done them.  
𝐁𝐮𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐜𝐚𝐧'𝐭 𝐛𝐞 𝐦𝐲 𝐨𝐧𝐥𝐲 𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐚𝐭𝐨𝐫..𝐭𝐨 𝐝𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐛𝐞𝐜𝐚𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐱𝐲𝐳 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐧..𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭'𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐚 𝐰𝐚𝐲 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐞𝐢𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫...𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐦𝐲 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭'𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐦𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐚𝐠𝐞 𝐈 𝐠𝐨𝐭.  


I will tell myself to go outside and do something productive, and the minute I step into a bus or a tram, I immediately regret it..all I can think of is that I wish I stayed home.  
I'll be in the city, walking or driving past people, see them hanging out with others, busy..always busy..always doing something..HOW? WHY? What is everyone always doing...not working...even on Sundays..everyone is out. Even as a kid I didn't get it..why don't they just stay at home?  


Now..you be narrator of your life and do what makes you happy, but I am starting to feel so isolated from the rest of society. I want to enjoy the same things, do the same things, but the moment I try to become what I compare myself to, I feel anxiety and resistance.  
𝐋𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐲 𝐝𝐨 𝐈 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐠𝐨 𝐨𝐮𝐭𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐝𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐬𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐮𝐩𝐢𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐬𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐈 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐝𝐮𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐈'𝐦 𝐝𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐦𝐲 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐮𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬..𝐛𝐞𝐜𝐚𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐈 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐢𝐭..𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐬𝐞 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐝𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐝𝐨𝐞𝐬𝐧'𝐭 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐦𝐞 𝐚 𝐛𝐢𝐭..𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐥𝐲 𝐝𝐨𝐞𝐬𝐧'𝐭 𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐦𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬..𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐫 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐈 𝐰𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞 𝐦𝐲 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡..  
I don't understand why people want to live so bad, at least live the way we've been taught to live, and I'm not being philosophical, all I'm saying is ..is a lack of motivation to live only depression or is life constructed in a way that just doesn't appeal to every single individual.  


Rather than depressed, maybe I am too impatient to live life, overwhelmed and underwhelmed by it at the same time, waiting for the right moment when I and whatever I need to get done become significant enough to have to get done...otherwise any effort is not worth it enough.