Ever since I was a child I have had these feelings. Which makes me even more scared that I will feel this way forever. I apologize if this is negative or affects anyone else. But I hope I can relate to other people or possibly get some tips. 

Growing up I always felt like I needed to fix everything around me. Like it was my fault or responsibility. My mother has bipolar disorder and my father who I lived with full time had a girlfriend who later became his wife. She helped raise me since I was 2. But she was very hard on me especially when he wasn't around. I am thankful for her as she taught me a lot, don't get me wrong. But I was always trying to prove myself to her for some reason. Looking for validation, but in her eyes, I could always do better. They later had a child together and he was awful to me and they did nothing about it. I would get equal blame. He would attack me, bang my head against the wall or chase me with a knife when they weren't home. But since he was young when this was happening (5-11 yr) they did not take it seriously and like I said, I would take the blame as well for "reacting" to him. I'm sorry, but I did not understand why my own family member would do this to me, nor did I want it to continue or escalate. But I was the drama queen who was overreacting or "playing the victim". My father worked night shifts, at night his gf would call her mother as most people do to rant. She would talk about me and how I always play the victim and cause all this trouble. When all I ever wanted was for someone to love and appreciate me for who I am, and not try to change me all the time. But I believed her. I am the problem. I cause all this drama in the household. She and my dad would get in fights constantly, ATLEAST twice a week. A lot of the time it was because of me. Sometimes my dad would try and stick up for me because he saw how hard she was on me. But she is always right, there's no getting through to this woman. They would scream at each other and throw things. I would hide in my closet, that's where I felt safe. Not that they would hurt me, I just hated when they did this. But for some reason, it was normalized. Just a normal occurrence in our home. I believe that's why my brother treated me the way he did. He doesn't know how to show love. Nor did my feelings ever get validated of being scared, he wouldn't get a serious talking to, explaining how that makes people feel. I just needed to "grow up".

 To this day I do not know how to give or receive love. I am scared of letting anyone in. I am very independent. No close friends, I do everything alone. I like this, but I wish I knew how to be myself around people. I always overthink everything when I am around people. I push people away before we get close. My mother says I have abandonment issues... I don't know what it is but I want it to stop. I'm sick of feeling alone, and not trusting anyone. I want to be happy. I want to be loved. I want to enjoy my life. But for some reason, I constantly analyze my surroundings for danger or red flags. I do this to everyone I meet and every situation I am in. There's so much more that I believe influences these feelings I have, like my father being a first responder and occasionally hearing horror stories of people getting hurt. He tries to keep us safe but I ended up fearing everything.

In conclusion... Does anyone else feel a constant fear of simply existing? Like at any moment the world could end, or a murderer could come into my house and kill my family. Or someone is going to get cancer that I love. These are all things that happen to people on the daily, yet we keep on living. Like these horrible things don't just happen to people every single day.... I want to enjoy my life before I worry it away. If anything is going to kill me its the amount of stress I feel. 

What are some things to look forward to in life? What keeps people motivated to live? I am not suicidal, although I often wonder if I'd be better off. But I would never put my family through that. I just don't know how to be happy. It's almost like I don't allow myself to be happy. Like there are too many horrible things going on or that could happen....

Sorry, this is all over the place... I just needed to get that out I think.