Im 28 now and should know better, but I called my mom today. I have been feeling low for the last 2 days. I know an episode is coming and I STILL called my mom to wish her a happy holiday. She instantly started yelling, belittling me and everything I do. Saying my choices are stupid and my life isnt what it should be... I hung up the phone and cried. Im 28 and I live a continent away from my mom, and she STILL manages to ruin things. Now I feel that the coming bpd episode is getting closer and closer...my heart aches and is pounding faster than normal, and I feel so badly like hurting myself....I wish I was strong enough to not care what my mom said. I wish I never called her. I should be strong enough to cut her out of my life, but then guilt kicks in. She raised me and gave me a roof over my head. She also gave me bpd, tried to kick me out of the family, and so much more that should largely outweigh the good. But it doesn't, because Im weak, and feeling guilty when I dont call. Im 28 but in my heart I still feel 4. And its all her fucking fault.