Through a series of events I have posted about will continue to, it's simple, I have no friends. It has impacted me to the extend you'd expect yet throughout the hardship of it all I have reminded that it's honestly for the best. Those "friendships" ended with me worsening my self harm, body dysmorphia, an abnormal relationship with food and multiple relapses.

An explanation of why I lost my most recent friends. A boy in our group, whom of which I am not that close to and only hung out with as he was a mutual, had continuously made jokes about my weight and my self harm. At the start, it was mostly mini jokes about my scars which I was okay with but then it slowly progressed to my body (for context I am NATURALLY skinny) and he often made loud comments claiming that I was "anorexic" towards other people. An example of this when we were all in a small and crowded science classroom during lunch, at some point my weight came up and that's when this guy thought it was a good idea to shout out something along the lines of "Yea he's skinny because he's an anorexic little fuck" ending with something like "eat a fucking sandwich". This made everybody in that room uncomfortable. He often did this. Often literally yelling that I was anorexic and I cut myself to people that didn't know. He didn't mean it out of "dark comedy", he meant this out of pure malice. Bare in mind, this happened in front of our entire friendship group, non of them said a single damn thing. This ended in me making a conscious decision to either eat endlessly until I couldn't (binging) or to stop eating entirely. It was almost like it was to excuse what he said by making it true meaning I should just stop eating so I could say that I had nothing to be mad because hey I am actually anorexic or to run away from what was causing all of this embarrassment (my low weight) by eating..and eating.....and eating. Both as a form of self harm, to punish myself. I went on the next few days to eat little to nothing then binge then repeat then look in the mirror and see nothing but Gollum.

So I blocked him on everything, deleted him on all platforms and cut him out completely. But still, through telling my friends all about what he did and how it affected me, they continued to excuse him by saying "well he just didn't know" or (I know, the audacity) "just get over it", they were just..okay with it :/. They still hang out with him, still talk to him and most of all, excuse him. I can't stop them from doing that, but they can't stop me from cutting people out. I'm sick of excusing their behaviour, "oh she has depression", "oh she just doesn't understand" even though she was always there and is also someone who self harms. I'm sick of me loving and caring for them and me getting nothing back, just me grabbing onto the small amounts of affection they give back.

Sometimes I just feel like skinny people aren't allowed to feel upset about their weight or consider hate about their body as body-shaming, even though it is. I explained the rest about how I lost my other friend on another story on my page (r/teenagers).

I am constantly being told my people to my face that "I'm a sick" or that I "look anorexic". I can't put into words the cruelty one needs to have to find it funny to share someone's personal mental state with other people multiple times with a smile and to respond to this with "K(...) I'm sorry ur offended". Yep, he said that. He didn't find it funny that he was belittling millions of people's mental illnesses, he found it funny that he used my private insecurities as the equivalent to a yo mamma joke to people that was quite obviously thinking "Is he okay with you saying this?".

In the end, it really messed me up. I have however find this other guy that has really supported me during all of this.