It was my 21st birthday on the 26th of October. My family took me out for an amazing and expensive meal the day after to celebrate. And on the 29th I had a crazy birthday party that lasted until 6am with friends and a few more people from university that I didn't know 48hrs ago, but they all seemed like great people and they all made the night even better than I'd planned.

But I just had my first **serious** suicidal thought. I just imagined the entire thing, and felt at peace. I feel like everything's falling apart and I've been struggling to keep it together and smile for my birthday week. But now that it's over, I'm exhausted. I want to just disappear and inconvenience no one in the process. I've hit that milestone so I want to rest now. I have no energy and nothing else to give. I don't want help, I just want to escape the stress. I have no skills and barely anything to contribute, so why am I still here? 

But if I do just vanish, I know I'll hurt everyone around me. I won't be there to see it, but I know that'll happen. I love my family and friends, I do. But I'm so tired of smiling all the time. And yet I've been doing it for so long that I don't want to worry anyone by changing. I know I should keep going but I also don't want to. I'm currently sick and I took some painkillers to help, but I debated taking a few more so I can go to sleep and never wake up. I don't think I want to see the sun come up again. I'm thinking about those pills and the glass of water I've left out for my next dose. I should put those away, shouldn't I?

It's almost midnight. I'm so scared. I never thought I'd slip this far. I was crying less than five minutes ago once I'd realised what I was thinking. I'd never thought I'd ever think what I'm thinking. And I know it's selfish, but I don't know what to do. I've let everyone down. And now I'm fucking crying again. Great.