I push away the only person that ever made me feel safe because I can't hold on. My chest has gone so numb that I'm hardly awake. But then they hold me and I remember everything. I remember crying because no one had ever rested their head on my shoulder before. I remember how surprised I was that someone cared about me the way she did and how full my heart was.

I let them back in for a night and I realize everything in my life is meaningless compared to how I was back then. I sit across from her muted just like for everyone else except now there is a spark of the boy who used to love her. And just the trace of that memory makes me want to rip my heart out out of my chest because it is so much more than anything else.

And just for today I am awake. and I can cry again and want more than this. I want to laugh and love and look at the stars in a perfect world that I thought was lost. I want to harm myself again and sprint into a police station with a hammer because I know it will be only a matter of time before I forget what it was like to be alive. Before I become a specter again.

Im so fucking scared I cant go back to the way I was when I was happy and I cant lie under this veil any longer.

She says after all this time she cant forget me and she cries that I don't care enough reach out my hand. There's nothing in my life I care about more than how she made me feel, but who ever found fulfillment from the past. I've become so indifferent and I don't want her to see. I don't want to push her away anymore but i've become too broken to hold on.

 I want to hook my brain into a virtual world or go to that hotel from percy jackson