I have a terrible habit of falling head over heels for somebody and then when the dust settles I realise they’re not the perfect person I made them out to be in my head. This causes constant fights but I’m too scared to leave them. I’m sure you’re familiar with the drill.

So a few years ago I decided to take things slow. I was dating a guy for 2 whole years before we decided to make it official. I was head over heels that entire 2 years. He really was perfect. He was kind, considerate, open, affectionate, funny, dedicated. We hardly ever argued but when we did it was in a healthy way. But as soon as we made it official I shut off from him. He was still the same perfect person that I fell for but I just wasn’t interested anymore. But I was still terrified of being alone so I strung it along and ended up really hurting him. That was almost 3 years ago.

Now, I’ve been dating someone else for almost 2 years. At first I didn’t have feelings for him, which is what I wanted because I didn’t want to hurt anyone again. But over time my feelings have grown and I think I love him but I don’t know how to trust my emotions. Now, he’s not perfect. I can see that clear as day. We have political differences. We have totally different interests. We’ve had our fair share of arguments because he’s not a very emotional person at all, and of course I’m over emotional. But when I tell him I need more from him he does everything he can to give it to me. He makes me laugh and makes me feel safe. He’s learnt how to handle my outbursts without trivialising the issues, he’s learnt the signs of when to give me space. When we first met he was totally new to any sort of dating and he was completely shut off emotionally. Now, he’s a totally different person. He’s grown so much. I think he loves me but he knows he shouldn’t say it because god knows how I’ll react. I think I love him but I don’t want to say it in case I turn around and ruin everything again.

How do you know when it’s real? When it’s not just your desperate need to be loved that’s driving your feelings?