sorry for the really long rant. i have so much on my chest that i've been holding inside, and i started to stray off topic. for context im f17 in high school.

my commute is about 1 hour to and from, on top of 7 hours of time in school, on top of homework ( 2 hours or so a night ), AND a part time job. in total, im spending around 12 hours everyday being busy. add another 11 hours a week from my job, and i'm working ( school + part time job ) around 70 hours a week. i can't really quit my job because my family is really poor and it's how i afford my cell service and other necessities, like ride services since i can't drive. i also really need to save for moving out and for college, because living at home makes me so fucking depressed and miserable due to how toxic and emotionally abusive my family is. i'm so stressed and scared for the future, i need to escape everything so badly, i can't survive like this. everyday its the same routine for hours, then i'm left so depressed and empty by the end of it, i can't even manage to enjoy the small amount of time to myself each day. i'm trying so hard to get through it, i'm trying so hard to get help for my severe depression and anxiety, and i'm trying so hard to maintain my grades so i can finally get out of this cycle. every year, i fall into a deep, regressive depression. i'm so deeply stuck within it, i stop thinking at all, i lose who i am as a person every year due to the immense stress. i'm already deeply traumatized, depressed, have severe anxiety, and untreated adhd outside of school. i already struggle to survive during the summer when i'm free every day, all day. 

i dont know what to do. im already shutting down mentally at the thought of going back into this routine, with seemingly no alternatives. im getting so desparate, i REALLY need my job and the money but i'm considering quitting. i know i can't. i might just give up this year and let my grades fall, even though maintaining grades is the only way i'll get out of this house and into college, far away from my family and everything thats constantly hurting me. i know if i let go myself, my life will only get worse. with no financial support from anyone, no family to help me, no support in general, me giving up will only result in me probably dying on the streets or being abducted. it's all so much and i don't know what to do. i'm trying so hard

because of school, i lost time for the hobbies that kept me afloat. i used to be really into lucid dreaming and mediation, both very calming and enjoyable activities for me. with school, it makes more sense for me to sleep in the extra 30 minutes everyday rather than get up early to document my dreams nightly, so i stopped engaging in that hobby. i liked a lot of "spirituality" things, but i feel so hopeless and i feel so detached from the positive messaging, i try to avoid reflecting on my thoughts because of how much anxiety it brings me. i love music so much, i love making music and other forms of art. but with how depressed i get from being constantly busy, i lack the time and motivation to make anything. i used to dress up, wear makeup, try to look pretty etc. i've completely lost interest in that. everything i loved means nothing to me now, i feel like an empty husk. anytime i do have free time, i just stare at youtube or something for hours, not enjoying anything i'm doing. i dont take care of myself, in school or not, i let my room pile up with clothing, dishes, trash, and i won't shower. trying to shower, at least every once in a while, is so fucking difficult. it feels like i cant do anything but sit here, my brain has no motivation to keep myself alive. i sit in my room and starve until i fall asleep or someone cooks something because i have no motivation to cook myself food, even something simple. i sit in my own filth, discomfort, and self hatred until something becomes extremely noticeable or painful in someway. otherwise, i let myself rot inside and out. 

i've tried to get help. my parents say they cant afford it, but they havent even tried to look into more affordable options for me. being on the verge of suicide was never urgent enough for my parents, i guess. our health insurance offers therapy once every 1-3 months, which isnt enough given how severe it is for me. my mom doesn't even believe on getting me medication, she's one of those fucking lunatic anti vaxxer conspiracy types. she's ignored all of my severe mental health issues, telling me herself she'd tried to just pray it away. i have BEGGED. MULTIPLE times. it doesnt help getting beat down mentally almost everyday by something one of my parents do/say. being in the same room as my family makes me feel like i might break into a panic attack, so i spend every second of every day in my room. i have no motivation to actually go outside or do anything. i know being sedentary, eating like shit, letting myself gain like 50 pounds, etc will only make my depression worse. but i dont know how to stop it. i feel like a complete fucking failure of a person, already wasting their youthful and healthy years letting their body and mind rot. i get good grades, ive always been praised for being gifted and smart and talented at certain things, but i've let all of that potential die away. my body always hurts and feels so heavy now. 

my only hope is my relationship, which i've had for 2 going on 3 years at this point, with a really amazing person who loves me. spending time with them keeps me going and helps me try to take better care of myself. but with school, we will both be extremely busy. its one of my biggest worries, having no time for us after every other thing in my life at the moment. i cant lose them. and i try really really really hard to not worry them or let my mental health effect their life. i know i honestly might not be capable of handling a relationship given how i can barely handle myself, so i try so hard to make up for it by not letting my mental health become a burden to them. i want our relationship to be as healthy as possible given my mental issues. but fuck, its so hard sometimes. 

i really need help. i need something to help me survive everything this next school year. i want to feel better again. i know its possible. i want to be myself again. i mean, my previous self was also very mentally fucked, but functioning was a bit easier. i need some sort of support or help to slowly pull myself up from this pit i've rotted in for 2 years now. and i want to finally overcome so many traumatic things from my past that hold me back and make it easier for me to spiral again. right now, my goal is to find a way to "catch a break" once school starts, so i don't just fall behind again and never get a chance to mentally catch up. and then i need some sort of external help, like therapy or meds or something else, to act as a catalyst for change in my life. once i get the ball rolling, it might get easier and easier. and eventually maybe i'll be okay again. i just have one more year until i'm an adult, and im working so hard to get a license and save up money to become more independent from my family. i just dont know what to do first. 

i'm so exhausted.

if anyone read this far, thank you for listening