Not usually one to post about things like this but thought it would be a good to post where people might be able to understand and give better ways of coping and ways of managing my emotions, like the title says I'm currently going through a depressive episode and feeling distress and having distressing thought processes, I'm really upset about it as I thought I was doing really well and I haven't had one like this in years, Ive been doing so good for so long (had the occasional blip but nothing like this!) accidentally stopped taking medication due to illness and other things which helped me a lot and now I'm on a really big downer and going through an episode and very up and down and feeling very alone (my own fault)

Also I have been living with my boyfriend and we've been together for 1 year, through out the relationship I have managed to cope with my bpd and express myself and feel pretty normal for the past 8 months, however as time has gone on I've noticed myself stop talking to my boyfriend and family about my emotions and feelings and I tend to close off my bpd part of me due to feeling ashamed and embarrassed/being scared that it'll be viewed in a negative light and will upset him and my loved ones, obviously with bpd this is self sabotage and is the completely wrong way to go about it but as time has gone on I've been trying to act like I'm fine when in reality I'm going through some stuff and that creates a drift and makes it hard for me to fully open up and to trust etc, and then that makes me want to run away so they dont see me like it and my boyfriends opinion on me doesn't change, I know it's toxic not communicating and thats why I want to fix it and be able to, they have also gave me no reason to feel like I cant talk to them it's just the way I feel

I just find it extremely hard but I know it could ruin everything if I don't open up and learn that it's okay to talk to people, and I know it's all related to the feeling of being embarrassed and ashamed but when Im going through an episode like this I cant rationalise my feelings or thoughts and not feeling like I can talk about it to anyone makes it so so much worse as I start to believe my irrational thoughts and feelings and I feel extremely alone and guilty and like I should just cut everyone off so they won't have the stress of me going through stuff like this, I know that I need to learn to communicate better but I'm unsure on how and what to say, I feel really guilty as well as I feel like I should be able to control myself and I hate that something like this can change the way I would usually communicate and open up, once the medication kicks in I know I'll be better and I'll just want to pretend that nothing has happened but I also know that's the wrong thing to do as it must be really confusing for everyone when I suddenly act distant and hide myself away and I know it might put a strain on my boyfriends emotions/our relationship in general, when I'm on medication I know things will be way easier and that hopefully this won't ever happen again but after this episode I need to make people aware of it and learn to talk about my emotions and feelings in general as I'm seriously worried that one day it will become too much for me or it will ruin everything

Is anyone going through something similar, how do I open up to people and cope better in the future and explain what I'm feeling like now before it ruins everything? How can I tell my boyfriend and family this so they understand more and can help me more so I'm not feeling so down?