Reading other posts on here, I realised that my BPD isn't as severe as others; it's not as prominent in my life compared to some of the posts here, but still remains a massive struggle for me. I was diagnosed 4 years ago.

Following my last relationship, I vowed to myself to not engage in anymore relationships, simply due to the fact of what I saw I did to my last girlfriend. I don't want to harm and torment anyone else like I did to her. This is much easier said then done, and I can't stop fantasizing about finding another relationship; being alone is torment, it's a fear and a phobia.  Alcohol helped me a lot before, it virtually took all of this pain away; I became an alcoholic, and I've been sober for a month now, after a big scene involving me on the ledge of my apartment roof with policemen shouting at me from the ground. 

This gave me a big wake up call, and lately I've been a bit more stable; avoiding social contact (apart from close friends), dwelling in the darkness of my room, stoned on my computer every night. This has kept me from forming more emotional attachments. Even if I did form another emotional attachment to someone, I'm so painfully and cripplingly awkward, people usually turn their backs on me 
 
But as always, I need someone, I've accepted this. I *need* to be with someone. It's a craving. And once I have them I push them away, attack them, insult them, and come crying after them when they leave. So I have to resist the urge; I have to stay alone. I don't want to hurt anyone else like I've done before.

Coming out of my past relationship was like coming of a one year nightmare; looking back at the horror and shitshow I had created.

I'm so stuck and I don't know what action to take. I need someone, but I know if I find someone, I'll destroy them. "You're a monster, and no one will ever love you for who you really are" This is what was said to me towards the end of my past relationship. Of course, my arrogance lead me to dismiss it, but lately it seems to be absolutely true. 

edit: I'm sorry for the rant, I'm wondering if anyone was in a similar situation, and how I can control being alone and not forming an emotional attachment with virtually everyone I meet.