Since I (22M) was 18 years old I've experienced thoughts and fantasies about taking my own life. While they were much more subtle, I remember I'd think things like "if my life doesn't get better by the time I'm 21 or 23 I'll do it". Needless to say four years have passed along with a series of ups and downs, and never before in my life have I began to dwell and contemplate on suicide so heavily. These thoughts use to come to me once every few weeks, now they come multiple times on a daily basis.

As of now I've spent the last two years in a major I hate, and this summer my parents told me they're cutting me off and that it's up to me to pay the rest of my way through college. I'm determined to finish, however at the same time I don't want to be stuck with what I'm currently doing because it's made me feel nothing but dread over the past two years. I've practically cheated / slacked my way through class as I have no passion nor respect for the material that I'm learning.

All my older brothers are living very successful lives, one of them recently got a very good analyst job while another got accepted into a prestigious university. On the other hand, I'm currently studying at a state college in the middle of nowhere that I practically picked out of a hat. My reason for going? "Well, it's cheaper and will give me more room to figure out what I want to do with my life". I'm currently working an office job at my school, it's ok but I still feel ashamed for my indecisiveness and lack of ambition.

I'm currently living at a subleased apartment in my college town, and while it's nice it's also contributed heavily to feelings of loneliness. I don't really have any friends up there so I'm basically by myself all day. I get along with my coworkers however they aren't people I'd hang out with. I've tried things like VR to get more "connected" to other people around the world however it's made me only feel worse.

Needless to say these feelings have really began to compile over the past few months and at this point I feel like I'm living on borrowed time. I went to visit my family last week and everywhere I went I had this dreadful feeling it'd be the last time I'd be there.

There's this tower on campus that I've been contemplating throwing myself off of, it's got these concrete balconies on each floor so I could ride the elevator to the top and jump off. I went up there today to get an idea of just how far I would fall. I think it'd be intimidating to get myself to go over the ledge however I know if I did that'd certainly be the end of me. I spent twenty minutes looking over that balcony, but then out of the blue I got really tired and sat down. With my back against the wall I closed my eyes for thirty minutes, just thinking about my past and stuff. I almost fell asleep up there, I'm not sure if it was the heat or what.

The idea of killing myself is tempting however there is a part of me that's wanted to turn my life around. I want to take my life back and redeem myself after all these years. I used to be very creative and motivated as a teen, constantly working on projects with friends. Part of me believes that if I could get some of that back I wouldn't feel so shitty. However for the time being I have to focus on completing college without dropping out or getting thousands of dollars in debt.

Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated.