I feel like I’ve gotten really good at wearing masks. Masks that hide my actual emotions. Masks that protect me from being hurt. Lately I’ve been wearing a mask and little did I know how much pain I’ve been in until I decided to take it off. Alright, enough with the metaphors. I grew up surrounded by a whole lot of dysfunction disguised as “love”. My parents have never been great at showing it because their parents weren’t. My parents have said some pretty evil things to me. Assassinated my character, called me worthless. But like the flip of a switch, they change. Out of nowhere, they start being nicer. Notice how I never mention that they ever apologize. They say what they want without much care, then switch up as if that counts for anything close to an apology. The cycle goes like this: I mess up, they get angry, they last out, they then switch up. Apologies don’t exist. I’ve grown to become conditioned to verbal abuse, I’ve grown to tolerate it. I’ve grown to feel as though I deserve it. Fast forward to my early teens. The earliest memories I have of relationships at the 16-18 age range are of nothing but straight up abuse. It took someone else outside my life to make me realize that it even was abuse. In my mind at the time I used to believe that it was okay if he hit me, so long as he apologized. Or so long as I wasn’t “doing something to upset him”. I used to believe it was okay for him to call me worthless, ugly, and weak. Clearly I did something to deserve it. Right? The harem of abusive relationships I’ve been in taught me that love seems to come at a price. That love comes with pain. I started to learn from these painful situations that in order to protect myself, I needed to hide myself away. Keep my emotions at bay. Never allow myself to feel any “big” or “unpleasant” emotions. Always wear the mask, never let it slip. Never let anybody truly see you. That’s how you keep yourself safe. Or so that’s what Ive always thought. I’ve been feeling some very “big and unpleasant” emotions as of late. 

And I’ve done very well to keep them hidden. Safe and sound under my mask. But I can’t hold it in anymore. All of the thoughts I’ve been so terrified to be let known I’ve finally decided to let them come to the surface. I give so much love to everyone in my life but I feel like it’s so seldom reciprocated. I give the love I so desperately wish I received. To say I feel alone would be a severe understatement. It hurts me so badly. So so badly to feel like nobody really cares. It hurts to feel like nobody will ever truly choose me. It hurts to feel like people only choose to be near me out of pity. Or because they want something. It breaks my heart to think that no matter how much someone tells me they love me, I will forever question it. It hurts to feel like I have a lot of “friends” but none of them really know me. It hurts to feel like I’m always at the risk of losing someone, knowing full well I can’t do anything to stop them. It hurts beyond reason to feel like I will always come last to the people I care about the most. It breaks me to feel like there’s no way out of this. I’m spiraling. It’s happening in plain sight and no one can tell. All I want is to feel like I’m loved. All I want is to be able to be who I am truly and have someone love me despite it. All I want is to know what it is to be loved without pain. All I want is to be able to trust people. Without the constant fear of being abused if I get too close. To know love without pain. I wish I knew what that was like. To not fear taking off the mask.