This is my first time posting anything on reddit I am new ok so I've been playing this game called outlaster from roblox and everytime I lose or things don't go my way I think about suicide a lot I know stupid over a game but here is the thing playing games is one of the few things I look forward too I also just had my birthday yesterday and couldn't help but to cry to myself most of the time and felt like I wasn't greatful enough or did not deserve it I am feeling very overwelmed at the moment and I hate to say it but I just really hate myself so much I am a horrible person cuz I threaten to suicide not once but a lot over stupid things what is wrong with me and I feel tho that suicide is just an easy escape for me so I just keep living my hopeless life and I troll online in roblox which is disgusting it makes me feel even worse I hate myself for doing trolling and suicide threats I really really really hate myself right now I feel overwelmed with guilt and its not just that too but there is this series that I want to watch called final space season 3 but I can't watch it since I don't have netflix and that made me feel like my life is hopeless cuz even tho final space is not real it gives me a reason to look forward in life and now that I can't watch it makes me feel really really awful my mind feels like I am going crazy the more I think about my flaws and negatives of my past and the wrong doing of others who have hurt me I'm not sure if I can even improve myself let alone be a good person cuz I'm not a good person I am a terrible person crying over a fiction series and games I do nothing for my actual real life so I don't really see anything good happening and I have no real life friends besides one but she is busy with her own life and I have online friends but I rarely talk to them anymore and my family I feel like such a burden to them since I don't do anything at all god I just really really hate myself I only wish bad things come my way sorry if this seems harash towards myself but I have to live with myself everyday having noone and its exhausting I can't stand myself any longer