I know it’s a defense mechanism for me, but it’s weird. What I mean is that on my own, left with my thoughts, I frequently end up picking myself apart. Like many of you in this sub, I have a long history of self-loathing, and I’ve only recently begun to treat myself more kindly, but not always.

However, if I find myself in a conflict with someone who tries to insult me, I almost always immediately get into this confident mindset that allows me to put on a brave face, convince myself I don’t care what they say (i.e. refusing to let my feelings be hurt although I’m naturally sensitive) and stand my ground.

For instance, I have a manager at work (a popular local restaurant) who’s kind of known for being inappropriate, inconsiderate, etc. He’s had a lot of run-ins with my coworkers, mostly my fellow female coworkers. Yesterday during a rush, I didn’t clearly hear an instruction he gave because it was busy and loud and he was giving out orders back to back, so I almost did something different from what he asked. His response was to shout at me very nastily in front of customers and my coworkers, and to make a long story short, I ended up being sent home early for arguing with him. I don’t like being the center of attention, so that whole interaction was uncomfortable, but I refused to let myself feel embarrassed or cry out of frustration because that’d mean he’d won. It took me awhile to cool down after I got home, but even then I suppressed my anger and didn’t tell my boyfriend exactly what had happened because I didn’t want to start crying.

Today, I went in with a heightened sense of power. I wore a button-up shirt tucked into my black jeans to look a bit more professional (and masculine, despite that being a sexist mindset) and wore my wedge heeled leather boots so I’d be about his height and he couldn’t look down at me; we’re both tall but he’s a bit taller. I even did a bit more with my hair. Whenever he was across the room, if he glanced at me, I made sure not to avoid eye contact so he knew I wasn’t even slightly intimidated from the previous day (he personally has no power to fire me anyways). And if I walked by him, I’d breeze right by as if I hadn’t noticed him, walking with impeccable posture to not only match his height, but also to convey my confidence. I laughed with my coworkers like I normally would and worked as hard as I always do. I felt like a complete alpha woman. Like he knew I meant business and wouldn’t tolerate his crap.

Obviously, this is a sharp contrast to the moments when I’m sitting alone at home ruminating and basically bullying myself until I cry and start thinking of hurting myself. I find it odd yet interesting. I suppose one factor at play in this situation was that I hadn’t thought very highly of him to begin with. Had it been someone I respect more, it may have been more difficult for me to bounce back.

Does anyone else relate?