I have only recently (within the last year) began to realize that I may suffer from BPD. Recently I had a fight with my semi-bf and in that fight I realized I was splitting him. He was my FP. I care soo deeply for this beautiful man, but he was simultaneously manipulative and dismissive of me. He laid the claims against me that I have an anger issue (obviously :P) and that I felt entitled to sex. 

This latter claim made me disgusted with myself. But it was worse than he knew. I didn't feel entitled to sex, I felt entitled to HIM. And then it slowly dawned on me that this has been a pattern of behaviour with every person I have ever tried to be close with.

I broke up with him shortly after that fight (2 months ago), but we said we could still be friends. But truth be told I can't manage. My shittiness will prevent me from ever being happy for him in any other relationship. I know that when he starts dating another, I will irrationally feel rejected again, and I will fear abandonment, and well you know what the Jedi say what follows fear. I WILL NOT HURT ANOTHER LOVED ONE!

A few days ago he called me out on my absence. Today I finally admitted the truth to him about the full extent of my illness and the splitting I was doing with him. He thanked me as he felt how I was treating him, and now he knows why. I've told him that I can't be a good friend to him, and will likely only continue to bring pain into his life. I thanked him for the moments of bliss he helped me find, and now... I'm alone.

Everyone in my life has left. I have pushed them all away. And now I can isolate without hurting anyone else.