I’ve never told anyone, but when I was 5 years old and my brother was 10, he started molesting me. I was an insightful kid. Deep down I knew that something was wrong and I asked if this was something that siblings normally do and he said yeah and I believed him. I’ve never let that go. This went on from the ages of 5 to about 8. I’m disgusted just thinking about it because I went along with it. I’ll spare the details but this would go on several times a week, even when I was asleep. I became addicted to pornography at an early age, not really knowing what the hell i was watching at the time. We’ve never talked about it, I’ve never brought it up even though deep down I know he remembers. The shame and the guilt has messed me up my whole life. I became very timid and reserved; till this day, I wish I was more outgoing. I’ve never told my parents because this would break them. They have him on this pedestal; he’s a good son otherwise. We’re a small and close family and I don’t think I ever will tell them. When I went away to college, I was able to get this off my mind for a bit. However, I’ve never been in a romantic relationship, never had sex. I’ve only been on a few dates and don’t really put myself out there. I’m definitely very anxious and scared that someone is going to figure me out.When it starts to get too emotionally involved, I ghost people. I think because part of me knows that I will have to be completely honest with whoever I end up with and idk if I can tell this part of my past to someone. Not only am I tired of being alone and of someone finding out the truth, but it’s hindering my career as a provider. I have a hard time asking my patients about sex, abuse,etc. I don’t hate my brother. I don’t wish him bad. But I haven’t moved past this. I know that I need to go to therapy. Anyway, this is the first time that I type this ever. It’s taken me 20 years. Maybe this is the first step to healing