Hello everyone, it’s my first post on reddit and i hope i’m doing everything correctly. I’m not a native english speaker so some things might be incorrectly spelled- my apologies.

A little background: I started psychotherapy as a 13yo child whose mom was very worried as i started to show symptoms of depression, anxiety and incorrectly developing personality, she wanted to make sure i get as much help as i need.

I was diagnosed with BPD &amp; bipolar disorder and put on meds in early 2016 (16yo at the time). Medicine helped and i felt better. I can say i knew myself- everything from the basics like favourite colour, style and music to who i wanna be, my characteristics and  stable hobbies. I went off meds in late 2019 (because i was dumb, there isn’t any smart reason) and almost immediately went into crisis, lost track on what i like, got bored with my hobbies, changed styles, hair colours and image… And for the first time significantly shortened my hair. 
I wasn’t sure what exactly happened but i felt better. Read more about gender dysphoria on internet and realised it sounds like me, well not exactly but we’ll get there. I bought a binder and found a psychologist who would diagnose me so i can start hormones (we’re in sept 2020, still haven’t gone back on meds). The psychologist completely ignored the BPD-bipolar part and went ahead with the diagnosis F64. with that paper i was able to start testosterone (dec 2020). meanwhile i met my current fiancé and moved to a different country. i was clearly in a manic episode, but neither the psychologist nor the doctor saw it and that’s how i ended up in another country, without health insurance, forced to stop HRT. i managed to fix my life and get into school, fix my health and get better, but i miss being on testosterone. my mom is completely against me taking it because she thinks it’s just a symptom of BPD and not me actually being trans. there’s nothing more that i care about than my mom so i stopped telling her that i still have dysphoria, even if you guys think that’s a bad decision, believe me it’s the best for us, so please don’t question it. 
i miss being on T, having short hair, using binder, having a low voice, having facial hair… i am able to live like a woman tho. i don’t do anything that is seen as feminine tex makeup, nails, wearing dresses etc, i still use binder, keep my hair short and present masculine but only around people from the country i live in, so no one from my past or on internet knows i’m having a double life. i’m sorry i wrote here a fucking book but i needed to throw it out of me. so… even tho living as a woman doesn’t bother me THAT much and i’m able to pretend, i still dream about me from dec 2020- april 2021 and how would my life look like if i didn’t stop T.
going back on hormones isn’t possible but i’m okay with the changes i got bc my voice is pretty low and i still have so facial hair. all i need to know is… could my borderline cause gender dysphoria? or do i just have a very deep internalised transphobia? 
one thing i can say: if i had health insurance at that time i wouldn’t have stopped taking hormones.