I had an obsessive period of rumination. The only thing I could think about was music, specifically the music I make. When I first started making music, I naturally learned to accept and love the flaws, but in 2020 I fell into a perfectionist state and it turned into obsession. I became completely numbed down emotionally other than a weight in my chest when I though about my music (which was all the time). There was an 80% chance I was gonna quit music, but it’s brought me so much joy and is so important to me that I couldn’t let that happen.

As I looked around the internet for answers, all I could find was stuff saying to take a long break and explore other parts of myself. I know if I had been going to a therapist, they would’ve told me this as well. I would’ve taken the break and most likely I never would be able to fully come back. But when I finally figured out what the problem was, I was able to say fuck it and finally make some real progress digging my way out of the perfectionist mindset I was in. I was able to create a song and get past some serious anxiety about it. I took an idea and I ran with it. I messed with it until it sounded good and I intentionally made it sound a little odd, to show myself that the flaws are what give art character. It ended up being one of my favorite verses I’ve ever made. I’m so glad I stuck with music.

That’s something that makes me feel apprehensive about wanting to go see a therapist. Even though they can be very helpful, sometimes, situations like this happen where what seems wrong can have the best outcome, but with a low chance of actually reaching that outcome. 

I’m very proud that I made it out of that period. I don’t know how I did it but I think I got insanely lucky for it to work out the way it did. It’s still very fragile though, but I basically had to relearn stuff that I had previously naturally known, that I lost to perfectionism. Fuck perfectionism, flawed art is better than perfect art.