I have been mentally ill for a long time, i’ve dealt with diagnosed anxiety and depression for almost 9 years. I thought since I no longer hurt myself or felt as bad as I used to that I was fine, coping. 

I am not, and i’m scared to get help or talk to anyone about this...
Along with depression and anxiety, I feel like i’m actually losing it. I just... I get so crazy and angry sometimes. like today for example. I cleaned the apartment and my boyfriend came home from work and put his clothes on the ground. I flipped. instead of just being a reasonable person and asking if he could just hang it up because i just cleaned, I went crazy. Off the bat, I am just completely irrational. 

Then, we stopped talking for a while until he started getting ready to leave. I asked where he was going and he ignored me because he was upset with me. So I went crazy, again. I was yelling, I threw his car keys on the ground, got his key to our apartment and threw that. I said absolutely terrible things to him. over nothing. he was getting ready to go to his friends birthday dinner. that I was supposed to go to. he just reminded me last night about it. my memory seems to be going as well. 

this isn’t even the worst of it. I get so irrational and angry and pitch fits. I cry. I yell. I throw things. i’m by all counts toxic as hell. my boyfriend stays with me because he loves me, which I know is wrong. he deserves better. I want to be better. but i’m so scared. what if I am truly crazy? I feel like I can’t control my feelings in these moments, but I feel so ashamed after the fact I could die. I feel like i’m a spoiled child throwing the worlds worst temper tantrum anytime anything inconveniences me. 

I don’t know what i’m looking for posting here, maybe just words of encouragement. to find help. I’m just scared. my depression doesn’t help with motivating me to find a doctor. my anxiety doesn’t help with me scheduling appointments once i’ve found a doctor. i’m a complete mess and i’m so ashamed of myself. 

thank you to whoever reads all of this...