I feel so sick and tired of living. I don't feel as if I'm getting any better even though I've been attending regular DBT that has been helping so far. My FP is gone four hours away to college and I'm stuck here and the constant radio silence on their end plus my already bad jealousy issues makes the distance hurt so fucking badly and all I do is split on them and imagine all the other people they're fucking while they're gone. I can't envision anything getting better and I fantasize about attempting suicide again quite frequently. I keep making these implosive choices and I feel like I am fucking up more and more and I just want to die but I'm scared of making things harder for those I care about because nobody deals with that lightly and I just want to stop disrupting everything for everybody. I'm just so certain the future will not get better for me no matter what I try to do and I can't shake this feeling of sadness and self hatred. 