26M here, I feel ashamed of myself for writing this post, and appearing weak… I am much better in terms of mental health and I have proved that if I am physically active and don’t get high and drunk everyday I can relatively have a good life… 

- I’m being active
- I’m not getting high everyday 
- I’m being more compassionate with myself
- and all that healthy crap

And yet…. I still don’t see myself being happy… (sorry if I sound pretentious) but I feel like that Sisyphus guy; rolling up the boulder to the top of the mountain… and I’m not able to find a way to enjoy it.

My strategy has been to just keep going, try to make myself feel as healthy as possible during my days (stop over eating, spend less time alone, no drugs, physical activity as much as possible…)

Next week I am embarking on a new challenge (going back to education) since I never finished my uni degree… it’s a short 6 months bootcamp which should be easier than a 4 years degree. 

Anyway… My default emotions have not changed yet… I still instinctively hate myself, and feel numb… although my intense emotion of sadness is no longer here I still feel some of it sometimes.

I’m trying my best to stay positive and convince myself that I am worth it that living is worth it…. But I just don’t believe it!

I don’t have anyone other than my therapist that I can talk with, I keep thinking about my ex all the time (2 year relationship she ended probably because I was too high Maintenance since I’m such a hopeless sad sack)  I’m just tired of this shit…. And I’m scared that I will stay this way for another 5 years or worse for ever

Maybe if I at least start to believe I am a worthwhile human being it will be easier for me to invest effort into myself… but I just feel like I’m a lost cause, and the more days I live the more useless and time/space waisted I am in this world

I hope someone reads this, and I’m sorry for the inconvenience I have caused anyone