So this is a throwaway, cause I don't need real people in my life worrying and I do have a personal reddit account and don't want anyone to find me, so I wont be posting anything too specific. I'm also posting from my phone, I don't know if that matters but if there are any weird formatting issues - I'm sorry about that. 

I (28F) need help. I'm not even sure what sort of help, or if anyone can, or even wants to help me... but I am at a point where I don't know how to move forward and I've seen so many people thrive from help through reddit that I'm feeling brave enough to post this. 

I've struggled with depression (possibly adhd) since an early age, but it was only diagnosed when I was about 25 years old. I come from one of those families that just gets on with things (we are british) and on top of that, although free healthcare is wonderful and I wouldn't give it up for anything, it's hard to get mental health help without going privately (which I cannot afford). 

I have tried to kill myself twice. Both times with pills and alcohol, and obviously neither worked but I ended up in hospital both times. I have told everyone involved or anyone that knows me that I regret it, cause its easier, but I absolutely don't regret it at all. I wish it had worked. I think about trying again every single day of my life, except now I also consider how to make the process more efficient and how to leave my family/friends less in the lurch. 

For reference, I have tried to get professional help through the NHS a few times. I've been put on a couple of different antidepressants (fluoxetine and sertraline for anyone interested) and I've tried some free mental health classes in my area. The first one I had an introduction quiz, where they told me I was too high risk for their services, and the second  one I had to get 2 busses to arrive at the location, only for the middle aged white man i met there to tell me I "don't look depressed or anxious" and then ended the session with "if you try eating chocolate mindfully, you might feel much better" (if anyone wants me to send them this chocolate eating bullshit, please let me know cause I still have the pamphlets and they didn't help) 

I feel bad posting this shit cause I'm not homeless, I have family and friends, i have a job and a dog. I'm not abused or alone, but no-one around me seems to get it. I don't want to be here, not only due to my state of mind or my life or myself, but because of the state of the world and my country and i just dont get the point of trying. I know I can try and find joy in the small things and enjoy life for what I do have, but honestly fuck that. I don't want to be here, I don't want to have to struggle to survive or struggle to be happy. It feels like I've been forced into this fucking bizarre life and somehow I'm just supposed to be happy that I'm here? Fuck that. I don't want to be here, and I shouldn't have to feel bad about hurting other people on my way out.

How do I stop wanting to die?
How do I make my life worth living?
How do I make all the political and world events stop bothering me?
How do I want to live?
Can I not just die and it all end up the same anyway?

I don't know what the point of this is... maybe someone might give me some secret answer? Or some hard truth? I'm just at the end of my tether...