TW: if you have NPD, I don't suggest reading this. I don't want anyone who has the illness to feel bad about themself.

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Now after allowing myself to accept if I have NPD or not, I don't think I do. I've been evaluating myself and my feelings and though I have a lot of similarities, I think I don't think I have enough symptoms to be diognosed. Of course I'm not a doctor and I know that I could be wrong which is the point of me posting this. 
Whether or not I have the illness though, I'm still a narcissist, atleast more than the average person.

I know I feel empathy for people, but I am an attention seeker and need a lot of validation. (Usually I get in the form of humour, ranting on reddit.) Though I can be empathetic to my friends, I can't be open about my own feelings. I'm extremely insecure and sometimes I catch myself thinking negative things about others. 

I've gotten a lot more mature though. I think my empathy has grown and my view of the world has changed to something positive these past 4 years of highschool. I don't talk shit anymore, I'm not as passive aggressive (Instead of being rude, I can tell people how I'm feeling--also note that I don't attack them and I just say simply how I feel and that it may or may not be reality and I need validation or smth of the sort, or if they are doing something wrong, I think i can tell them while being sympathetic)

I've done some shitty things though. I was a terrible older sister until around 9th grade and also at the time I was a terrible best friend, I betrayed my (other) bestfriend sophomore year, but somehow she's still friends with me and I am very thankful. 

But I'm still so scared. I worry that I'm incorrectly evaluating myself and I can't genuinely trust myself at all. The second someone says something about my character or even insults me, I give in. I worry about it all day and trust that they are right, until I forget. I can't stop being insecure if I can't trust myself but if I trust myself I'm afraid that I'll lie to myself like my dad.

Also I do try to protect myself a lot. I get defensive or say something INCREDIBLY awkward for NO reason. And then I get embarrassed as fuck. It's so embarrassing being me 🥴