

In watching a video by John Gunderson (BPD researcher and expert)
YouTube link: 
https://youtu.be/3CPPoIw0rtQ

He explains that the search for an EXCLUSIVE relationship that will heal our childhood wounds is fundamentally what our disorder is all about.

So we suffer from not having our needs met when we're children, and then we start a lifelong search for that ONE PERSON who will make it all ok.    

The problem is that person feels tension from the incredible amount of extreme emotion that's coming towards them.

How would you if you felt responsible for someone else's emotions?  If you knew that everything you thought, said and did would be overanalyzed and responded to with an either extreme positive or negative response.   

That hyperfocus on the OTHER invariably causes them to withdraw emotionally.   They feel like they have to withdraw to protect themselves.   Otherwise their lives would be consumed by us.

This withdrawal is interpreted as rejection by us, causing us to respond with devaluation and splitting.   We lash out because we again feel like the child that is not being seen.

Really understanding how this stuff works in my own brain is the key to personal recovery and freedom.   The biggest desire of my life is to find a way to BREAK THIS CYCLE.    

I don't have the answers.   Honestly the answer for me always just comes back to facing the reality that NO ONE ever will be "enough."    It's never going to be about the OTHER.  It's about me.   

That can feel so lonely.    It's not that we don't need other people, it's just that we can never ever expect someone else to fill the void that we feel.    

For all my words, I am struggling right now.  I love my FP so much.    My logical brain understands these concepts.   Pulling back and letting go of the idea that I have a "special" or "favorite" other is very hard.    Letting go of the idea that I need to validated by an exclusive other feels like I'm drowning.    The process of stepping back, separating, accepting natural boundaries in relationship feels like I'm hurting them.    

I guess it just all takes time.

Breaking the cycle of overvaluing someone, always being disappointed and the devaluing them.    My emotions cannot be based on someone else!

It all starts with me.  There is no one else.   It's time to change that inner critical voice that constantly says I'm not good enough, too dumb, too fat, too ugly, too emotional and on and on.    


[letting go of the fp thing part I](https://www.reddit.com/r/BPD/comments/65p2xv/how_im_stopping_with_the_whole_fp_thing_recovery/?st=J2X6HP08&amp;sh=61fb6b77)