I've wanted to kill myself for as long as I can remember. Around 12 years old I started slitting my wrists and of course entered that angsty emo phase. I dress like a normal person now but nothing has changed. Everything still sucks and I've come to the conclusion that no one will ever love me or truly understand how I feel. I fucking loved this one girl with all my heart and she won't be with me. She's my best friend, and she's straight and therefore not attracted to me.


 It's a horrible feeling that the meat prison trapping your soul is holding you back from being with someone you have a true connection with. It's not fair, it's awful. It's fucking terrible. I'm considered an attractive girl, not gonna lie but it's a fucking waste of a body when I'm a lesbian and only want to be with my best friend. There's no point, I might as well be dead. I swear if we could be together and she could love me I'd never have mental illness again. 

I just really think if I killed myself people can finally understand how much pain I'm in. Nobody can grasp the emptiness and worthlessness I feel on a daily basis. I really want to get in a fight with someone twice my size so I can fucking beat them as best I can, but have them just kill me in the end. Fuck. 

I know this is illogical as hell and I probably sound like a crazy person. But you know what? This is my internal dialogue every day. It never ends. I'm so sorry.