Hey, all.

I've just been down the past few days and wanted to type up my emotional/mental status. It's kinda long, but I hope you'll read it in whole to get the bigger picture.

This is the third night that I've slept like shit, which is of course puts a damper on my mood. It's a weird state where I don't feel either excitement or even negativity. Just a sort of nullity: only bored and not bored.

Last Saturday after work, I went out to a bar nearby for lunch (it was 9:30pm and I hadn't eaten since 10am) and a beer. After a great meal I had another drink, when out of the corner of my eye I see a beautiful woman. It was one of those rare moments when I'm immediately attracted to a girl: physically, style, mannerisms, reading a book, etc, etc. Anyways, I'm in a state where I'm not putting myself out there to look for a relationship. I'm sick of initiating conversations and meetups, so I've been letting women initiate - but that doesn't stop me from looking her way and smiling. So I decided to sit around and have a couple of drinks, in hope, that she would come up to talk to me. After a while, she was joined by a few friends and after a bit they left. So after my fourth drink, I decide it was time to head home. 
During the trip home, I figured I'd stop at another favorite watering hole. I found myself having a drink, meeting a new girl, drink, new girl, drink... drink. dkljfd...
Don't get me wrong, I had a good time, but I know the reason I was having a good time is because I was feeling wanted and interested in. My dependency on the attention of others is my biggest obstacle my BPD has over me.
Long story short, I spent the next two days physically and emotionally hungover, eating like shit for the first day, then eating one meal the next day.

So now I'm here and I get this feeling that I can't rely on myself. I started a new job that potentially could be very lucrative, but I've already lost two jobs in the past 6 months, and I'm worried that I'm going to screw it up. I almost didn't go to the interview, then my first trial shift, because I didn't think they'd want to keep me. They told me after my first and second shift that I was doing awesome, but I still worry I'm going to screw this up, that I'm not worthy or capable of keeping the job.

Because I'm just starting a new job, I can't afford to go to my therapist, and I start to feel guilty about not going, as I'm not doing everything I can to help my condition.

Since I don't work today, I'm at home doing things that I normally enjoy (studying languages, working out, etc) and cleaning. But I feel guilty, like I'm not doing anything productive - which is absurd. Guilt is what drives me and I've been working on changing that. 

The last couple days I've been wanting companionship, which is something I don't like to daydream about. It started with a dream of a girl, then the next day and today I've been missing my ex. But that is a long and complicated story; all I can say is that I don't know whether I miss her, or the companionship she gave me. 

I've been feeling lonely the past few days and there's a meditation session in the city, but I'm afraid I'm going solely to be around other people and yet the benefits of group meditation is huge. I just don't know if it's a good idea to go, but at the same time, is isolating myself any better?

Thank you for listening to my rant. I'm sure there's more, but I'm already feeling better from writing. I hope you're all doing well and hope to hear from you.