I was offered a spot with a psychologist pro-bono (I'm a poor student living in a big city, shit's expensive) but I'm pretty sure that I've all but completely fucked it up. I contacted her about eleven days ago to reach out and set up a phone consultation. She asked for a brief synopsis of what I've been struggling with in which I detailed my mental health issues, emphasizing my BPD's impact on my life now that I have a tentative diagnosis. The thing is that this email sat in my drafts for eleven days. I don't know why I didn't send it. I have no idea if I'm subconsciously trying to implode my entire life lately or if I feel like I deserve to suffer or what.

She reached out to me again yesterday, after which I sent the draft. At this time she set up a time in which she wanted me to phone her - 5:05pm. I enthusiastically agreed because this morning I was feeling very happy and hopeful for a time. I began to go about my day ad things started to really go downhill when I got triggered pretty badly by one of my roommates, on top of some body image stuff/otherwise generally having a rough go at it emotionally today. I completely forgot about the phone call in all honesty.

She emails me at 5:25pm to tell me she cannot wait for me to call and has to move on with her day. I was absolutely mortified and began to completely spiral. The thoughts began. 'oh no I disappointed someone. obviously this person whom I have never met completely hates me and will refuse to work with me because I am irresponsible garbage who is undeserving of any kind of understanding or compassion. obviously this means that everybody else thinks the same about me. everybody knows I'm actually the absolute worst person alive. oh shit oh shit oh shit i want to hide forever.'

I promptly emailed her back to apologize, letting her know that I understood if missing the time we had assigned to our phone call was a dealbreaker. She expressed that she was very concerned about my ability to make it to sessions on time/not cancel at the last minute. We rescheduled.

I just feel so dumb. I feel so so so awful. I feel like the biggest failure and like everybody hates me. I'm splitting on and off and was lashing out like crazy, so I've just resigned myself to laying in bed watching the first season of Glee.

Anyway, yeah, moral of the story is that I'm pretty sure my new therapist hates me already. While I know that that's mostly my disorder talking, I am so god damn miserable.