I've tried so hard for so long, and I don't think it ever really changes? I've been suicidal since I was a preteen, but I thought if I ace my tests, if I work hard, if I reach out, if I try and learn and grow, it'll sort itself out, but I don't think it will. I think this is just going to be a life long, debilitating disorder. 

I'll never finish my degree, despite literally having a 3.68 GPA because it got too much and I dropped out. I'll never have a career, despite excelling and being held up as the prime example anywhere I go, because I get overwhelmed and life becomes unbareable. 

I'm not gonna have longterm friends. Nothing I do can keep them around. No amount of social skills or money or compassion or anything will keep them. And the people closest to me, will hurt me sooner or later, no matter how much I try. 

What sucks is that I've tried reaching out, but I'm too high functioning to matter. No one ever fucking believes me when I talk about my issues. And I've been through so fucking much, and I'm struggling to handle it. I was sexually assualted all throughout my childhood inside my own home. I had to wrestle knives out of my siblings hands. I had psychotic episodes with full ass hallucinations. I literally have been selfharming on and off for a decade. 

But it doesnt matter because I function well enough. I'm not that bad off. They see the "gifted child," not the illness that so clearly fuels my life. 

I'm scared of death, but what's even the point of working so fucking hard if I'll never reap any of the benifits because I'm too mentally ill? I want stability. I want love. I want to feel safe. But as soon as I get it, something terrible happens, and that's just life.