I Will Never Be Happy (24m)

I've come to realisation that I will never be happy with my life even I achieve all of my wildest and unrealistic dreams, I know that when the novelty of acheiving these wears off I will return to the same old unhappy, lonely person I've always been.

Let me explain.

During university I worked extremely hard to achieve high grades in the hopes of increasing employability to future prospective employers. I sacrificed a lot of my time as it was a difficult course and in the end feel I missed out on a true college experience. In the end I achieved the highest grades and got hired in a good, stable job only to find out the work was boring and monotonous and leaves me feeling unhappy, unfilled and a bit miserable. In a way I feel like I'm wasting my life a bit, working a job I don't like but seems to be case for the vast majority of people and I am.in despair whether I'm doing the right thing continuing to work the job or leave, go back to studying, find a new job but I fear the end result will be the same and I won't like it and feel that I wasted more time.

I was always chubby as a kid and was very overweight in recent times. I managed to lose the weight and have a relatively slim figure. I thought this would make me happy as it was basically a lifetime goal acheived as I've been self conscious about my weight since I was 11. However, what followed was only an obsession with calorie counting and body dysmorphia as I still see myself as the original overweight person.

I never had a girlfriend and my experience with girls previously was basically 0. I've always wanted a girlfriend and when I finally did get one and was the happiest I've ever felt in my life. However, this slowly faded and now I really suffer from retroactive jealousy whenever she brings up about her past sexual history. This is probably due to my own lack of my sexual history and the inability to relate. I never express these feelings to her as I've never spoken about my past but I really really struggle with these feelings when I'm on my own.

I sometimes look at myself and think I have everything in life - good stable job that pays well, good friends, beautiful girlfriend, healthy body and I really don't understand why I'm so unhappy with my life.

For the first time I'm starting to understand why people commit suicide and starting to have my own thoughts. I feel like life is hopeless, pointless and I just feel so unfilled. I've achieved everything I've ever dreamed about in life and still feel so unhappy that I just think what is the point in going forward anymore.

I am filled with crippling anxiety as I write this and I'm just wishing for this day to end in the hopes that I wake up tomorrow feeling a tiny bit better.