I am polyamorous and have two loving nesting partners.


Last year, my long-term friend with benefit ended our relationship because he finally got a girlfriend. I was quite heartbroken, I was half in love with him and our relation gived me a lot of validation about my self worth, especially physical and sexual.


I still miss the flirting and casual/fun sex. I don't feel very attractive and I guess I think my partners are with me more by habitude than another reason (I know it"s not true, but you know how this feel...). I started flirting with a new guy recently who is also a friend's partner. At the start I thought it was okay, but still ask him to verify. Finally he said that his partner/my friend have a "no close friend" policy. Okay, i'm sad but I understand. That was two months ago.


Yesterday, I was with him, a bit stoned, and I started to play footsie with him and he was enthusiastically responding. When we were alone after that, we made out and I blowed him. I asked him if he was okay with it, but never ask if she (gf/friend) would be. I know I should have, but I didn't want to be rejected. After he came, he was uneasy and said that he should not have done that, that it was against their policy. He asked if we could keep that secret and never do that again. 


I accepted, I don't want my friend to know because I feel guilty. Sure, I wasn't the one cheating, but I still feel accountable, because I knew she would not be okay with it. I don't want to tell my partners for the same reason, they would be okay with it (we don't have this policy) but know that she would not. Worst, I think about doing it again, because it felt good to be desirable. It isn't the first time I use sex as a validation... In the same time, I feel use. He had is fun then discarded me. I probably would not try again, I just feel so many thing and I have nobody to talk about it.