I’ll try and keep this long story as short as possible. I was diagnosed with BPD two years ago after struggling for years and getting constantly misdiagnosed. I started DBT last fall and switched to a new therapist who has BPD herself so have lately been getting a lot of benefit in treatment and making a lot of progress and am going to be starting EMDR on Thursday. 6 years ago when I was 16 I met the love of my life (15 at the time) on a messaging app after posting my username online. I was extremely depressed and suicidal at the time and felt alone and would never talk to anyone about how I felt. I switched to an online school after not being able to force myself to go to a public school everyday and had no friends. He messaged me and we instantly connected, I asked him what his favorite hobbies were and at the time he said “I like looking at depression quotes” and it made me laugh because I always used to do the same. We ended up talking to each other all night till early into the morning and opened up about our lives and our struggles and related so much in so many ways. I was never able to let down my walls and open up to anyone before but there was something about him that felt so familiar and I felt so safe talking to him like I could trust him with anything. We started talking a lot everyday after that and doing a lot of venting, we ended up getting to points where we would both get suicidal and would have to talk each other out of it. It was very scary for me at the time but I grew to care for him a lot and didn’t want anything to happen to him. I start having feelings for him and my BPD symptoms were acting up (of course I didn’t know what they were at the time not being diagnosed yet). I would split on him and have abandonment fears and push him away and then cling and I was too scared to tell him how I felt about him thinking he would never feel the same and feeling down on myself, I would get jealous every time he would be talking to other girls and it would hurt my chest. I would always try and fight through all of that because I wanted the best for him and wanted him to be happy and he was my best friend and my FP and all I cared about always was his happiness. Earlier last year he was in a long distance relationship with another girl he had known for years for a few months and stopped talking to me for a whole month to focus on her. I felt abandoned and hurt feeling he left me for her even though I was trying so hard to fight my feelings and give him advice and wanted him to be happy with her (even though I always wished it was me). He came back and they had broken up, he needed me to help him get through it and I was giving him a really hard time because I was in pain and we would argue. I said all of these things I didn’t mean at the time just out of anger and feeling hurt and I regret so much of it. I then started having all these fears of him getting back with her and abandoning me again or getting into a relationship with another girl and I tried expressing some of my abandonment fears to him and we ended up in a huge fight and I told him I was done and left. I was miserable and thought about him every single day. I felt alone and was upset with myself for hurting him and I constantly wanted to reach out to him but felt he would never forgive me. A month later during the summer (June) I was feeling hopeless and attempted. Towards the end of July I had a dream about him that he had committed and visited me as a ghost (weird but I watch a lot of paranormal shows) and I was upset with him in my dream for making that decision. I woke up with horrible pain in my chest and was so worried about him. A week later I finally decided to reach out to him and he ended up responding towards the end of the day. We talked and he wanted me to stay and so we ended up talking everyday again. I attempted again in August (I wasn’t getting any outside help through therapy all during the summer) and then finally agreed to start DBT and get back into therapy after realizing I didn’t really want to die. In September he told me he had feelings for me and I didn’t know how to respond at first because I was afraid of getting hurt but we eventually had an open and honest conversation about it and it felt really nice we both liked each other. In November I told him I was in love with him and shortly after he told me he was as well. We’ve had to go through some hard times and arguing because we both still struggle with our mental health but I believe we’ve been growing and learning to communicate better. He asked me to be his girlfriend last month and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been being with him. Lately he’s been feeling really suicidal to the point where he’s told me he has plans. We both think he has BPD even though he’s never been diagnosed (he’s not in treatment right now) he has most all of the traits besides maybe one or two and we’ve always been able to relate on specific BPD issues. I’m terrified of anything happening to him and it scares the hell out of me that he has plans. He goes back and forth on being motivated and then losing all hope. I know he loves me but I know love isn’t enough to save someone. I’m trying to do all I can but it’s breaking me down, he’s the best thing for me and I don’t ever want to give up on him even when things get hard. We are in a long distance relationship and I’m not working right now so financially it’s not possible for me to fly out and be with him even though that’s all I want to do and will find a way to do if it comes down to if I’d do anything for him. I’m going to be starting to teach piano lessons within the next month or so and want to start saving up. We haven’t met in person but I know our connection will still be there when we do and I want to have a future with him and be able to close the distance when it’s realistic and we’re both ready. I have been trying to encourage him to get outside help but I don’t want to push too much because I want to support him and I want him to know  he’ll always have me as well. If anything were to happen to him the pain of not having him alive would be unbearable and I know I would end up making the same choice because I don’t want to live without him and that scares me as well. He means everything to me and he’s my happiness and the only person in the whole world who understands me and who I can truly be myself with flaws and all. One of the things holding him back from getting outside help is the cost he doesn’t know if he can afford it right now and I’ve been trying to brainstorm different options. He’s in a really bad place right now and I can’t talk to anyone about it besides my therapist and I have this constant pain in my chest and it’s been making me physically sick to the point where I’ve been throwing up when he talks about dying because I can’t handle it. I want to be here for him and I’m trying to do all I can and I don’t know what else to do. 