it's 1 am, and I have to get this off my chest before i go to sleep.

im going to present the time line and some codenames so this is less confusing, because god knows I'm horrible at explaining things.


my boyfriend, we'll call them chris, and i started talking January 6th, and started dating January 23rd. prior to this, they had dated someone, we'll call them amy, for about a month. between early November -  early/mid December. (i don't know the exact date).

we met in a discord server. our conversations were flirty from the very beginning, and i quickly started developing a crush on chris, they made me feel special, and i loved feeling that way.


up until recently, i enjoyed looking through our old texts, it was wholesome and nostalgic. and it always lifted my spirits whenever i was sad.

but about 2 months ago, i went a little too far back in the server. and I regret it so much.

im horribly nosy, to a toxic extent. like, "look through your phone when you're not looking to look through your texts" kind of nosy. im extremely jealous.
mixed with trust/abandonment issues? it's the worst relationship mix alive. 70% my relationships is pain. pure gut wrenching pain. suffocating anxiety. 

so of course, me being me, i start looking through shit.

I've always looked through chris' social media to find tweets/posts that mention their ex/an ex crush. it always brought me pain. but i kept going. eventually i saw no point in doing it anymore. "it's old! it doesn't matter!". i just didn't care anymore.

chris left the server awhile back, but then they rejoined about 2 months ago, so i thought "this is the perfect time to look through our texts again! and maybe I'll look for some stuff about amy too.." so that's exactly what i did.

i found texts from when chris first joined the server (early November), and i decided to go from there. eventually, I saw texts of them flirting with someone, we'll call them Sarah, and it genuinely gave me whiplash. they flirted with sarah the same way they flirted with me. it was like watching the beginning of our relationship all over again. same situation. just a different girl.

i assumed that all of this took place after they broke up with their ex Amy, but i was wrong. Chris and amy were still dating when chris decided to start flirting with Sarah. due to personal reasons, chris just wasn't mentally ready for a relationship with amy, so they weren't committed anymore.

but that doesn't make it any better!! u can't just flirt with someone while you're in a relationship?? isn't that basically cheating???


Chris and Sarah continued flirting for about 2-3 weeks, up until the day chris revealed he was in a relationship. after that things cooled off, and they didn't really flirt much after that.

when i finally knew everything that happened, i was heartbroken. i was in excruciating emotional pain. to the point where i thought i was going to explode. and i remained in that state for 3 days.

chris knew something was wrong the entire time, my energy was off. i was visibly upset. but they just didn't know what i was upset about. and eventually, after all the prodding, i broke. and i ended up telling chris about everything i saw. we talked about it, we made up, it was fine.

but now, i don't know, ever since i saw that I've just been feeling off about this whole thing. we've been dating for about 7 months. and i really trusted them before, i mean sure i had my doubts but i never truly thought they would cheat on me.

but now the feeling won't go away. it's feels like intuition. like a gut feeling. like god's telling me that chris is being unfaithful. (in a metaphorical way ofc). like i just know they're cheating on me.

everything they do is suspicious now, and I just can't make this "gut feeling" go away

we sleep otp every night on discord, chris usually falls asleep before me and eventually their ipad dies, so they go offline. but about a week ago, their ipad died and they were still online. my immediate thought was "are they awake? why are they online? are they calling someone else? are they cheating on me?". chris stayed home from school the next morning cuz they were tired. and this only added fuel to the fire. "they must've stayed up all night talking to a girl, that's why they're so tired." later on, i asked them about it, and they cleared it up by saying "i don't know why it did that, but i promise im not cheating on you" i can't help but trust them when they say things like that.

the same thing happened tonight, chris fell asleep otp, their ipad died, and now their active.

they're still active. they've been active non stop for an hour now. the only explanation is that they're on vc, right? i can't think of any other reason.

it bothers me. it pissed me off. it makes me sad.

i don't trust them, i don't trust their friends, i don't trust any woman that they talk too,

were long distance, which makes this 10x worse. 

recently they've been making new friends at school, and im happy for them. but all i can think about is chris cheating on me with them. im starting to resent them, and chris. 

apparently, on friday, they have after school detention because they skipped a class and got caught. it makes sense, but I can't help but feel like they're lying.

and on Saturday, they're going to the mall with their friends. god that makes me so anxious it's almost nauseating. i kinda wish they would all die....ik that sounds horrible.

im angry, im scared, and anxious and im sad. 

im so sad. so extremely heartbroken. i love chris, I've done nothing but talk to them for the past 7 months. I've dumped every once of time, money and energy into this relationship. i wanna be with them. they make me happy.

but i can't keep going like this, it hurts so much.

is this simply just anxiety? are they really cheating? how can i know for sure?