i literally can’t stop overthinking daily that i might not be able to achieve my goals and that i’ll be forced to have a boring job with a minimum wage that i don’t like. i’ve been overly ambitious since i was a kid because i was put in competitive and harsh environments, at the time i loved what i was doing but only now i see the consequences.

 i was a model as a kid (for 8 full years), and i’m guessing that most of you know what that environment is like. i literally had to strive for perfection from the way i walked, talked, sat, ate, everything. fashion shows were crazy, i still remember being around 10 and sitting in a chair while they were doing my hair and the stylist picking out every single flaw i had which left me with insecurities, since then (i’m 17 now) i never again tied my hair up unless i absolutely had to because i was insecure over my ears. the auditions were terrifying, they put adults and children in the same room to audition and that was so much pressure. 

i used to get extremely frustrated if some other girl there was given a prettier dress for the runway, or in general i just couldn’t stand anyone having or doing anything better than me which left me with perfectionism. 

so fast forward, ‘traditional’ modeling is not something i want to do anymore and that industry is extremely hard to succeed in. but i do want to do something similar. so this is where my anxiety absolutely spirals to the point where i get nauseous. i took a gap year from school because of anxiety and that left me with a lot to think about, i don’t want an average office job. i’ll continue school of course, but i’ll do online classes and then later on i’ll go to college. that’s settled. 

but now nothing is the way i want it to be at all and it’s constantly stressing me out, i have no idea how to manage the anxiety. since i’ll be doing online school i’ll be left with time to pursue my other dreams and goals but the crippling fear is seriously getting on my nerves. as i already mentioned the situations in my childhood made me overly ambitious and i strive to succeed, so i’ll have to achieve my goals and i have to find a way unless i want to be miserable, still i feel like if i fail then what am i left with? i’d be forced to do something that i don’t truly enjoy after college.

my parents didn’t actually raise me or force me to be like this, i’m like this by nature + the modeling. which should be a good thing, but it actually sucks because they don’t care nor understand that not everyone is satisfied with an average job and a family. therefore i have no one to talk to and have to figure everything out on my own. sometimes i feel like i’m crazy and that i should just settle for less but every time i see someone doing or having what i want i can’t even explain the way i feel, it’s like jealousy mixed with some serious anger that i even cried over stuff like that a few times. 

anyways i just needed to vent and let this out somewhere