I made the mistake of telling him how I felt. That I question how he feels toward me because he isn’t very receptive to the sweet things I say or because he talks to me in a very platonic way. That I’m the kind of person who needs to feel excited and giddy at the thought of being able to see the person I dated. He didn’t really understand why I felt this way which saddened me more.

The next morning I woke up feeling so guilty. Feeling so needy. Feeling so unreasonable for saying those things and putting them on him that I changed my mind and apologized for causing him more stress than he already has going on. For asking too much out of him.

Then again, six hours later, I’m back to feeling awful, wanting so much more from him than I get. 

Each time I change my mind I can see myself draining him and exhausting him and pushing him away. But there’s no in between. And nothing is constant.

I want to shoot my brains out to keep my mind from controlling me like this