Sometimes I doubt my bipolarity and I kind of invalidate my own experiences and my diagnoses. When I go a long time without feeling any extreme emotions, I sometimes wonder if what I've felt in the past is even real. I was diagnosed with "unspecified bipolar disorder" and then "bipolar type 2" but I still question my own feelings, I just feel like something is wrong with me.

Recently, my dog died and I felt the "normal" amount of sadness and I handled it really well I think. Then suddenly, the week after, I paid 150 for a new handbag, 220 for getting my hair done, and 100 for a watch (among other purchases). I don't know if that's a lot of money for other people but it is beyond my normal spending habits by far. I was extremely extroverted and overly social, and I felt the compulsion to be the funniest person in the room and I needed to be the center of attention. When I say compulsion it was like my words were forced out of my mouth and my chest was bursting with energy. I am normally very introverted, I hate being the center of attention and am a bit of a wallflower.

That was last week, a complete rush of positive feelings, spending, and just being/feeling way too much. Then on Saturday, I started to feel the pull back down. I resumed my isolation and lack of motivation. I felt and feel like my whole body is being pulled down. There's this strange feeling of despair hovering around me. Stuff that used to trigger my anxiety which I've since learned to handle well is again messing me up. I look in the mirror and I look...empty.

But I still don't feel bipolar. I don't know why. I'm exhibiting behaviors typical of hypomania like an elevated mood but I don't accept it. I just feel crazy. My brain keeps wandering to thoughts of SH even though I haven't done that in 9 months. 

Why did I handle the death of my dog so well and then suddenly I had what I think was a hypomanic episode that I haven't had in years? Wouldn't the death of my dog trigger a depressive episode? I'm so confused about my feelings. What if that hypomania was just like who I'm supposed to be and my "normal" self is that bubbly loud person? Am I in a down period now? Is what I'm writing making sense? I'm so lost and confused.