 

There is something very wrong with me. I have mental health issues and I am receiving the treatment that I need but I still feel like there is something else that's wrong.

Lately, I have been trying to focus on recognizing my feelings and I found out that I don't have any. And that I didn't have any for as long as I can remember. And it's so scary. Whenever I close my eyes all I can see is a blackness, there is nothing inside me, no feelings, no thoughts, nothing, just emptiness. I can't cry, I cant laugh, I don't enjoy anything but I am not even able to feel guilt. In the last months I wasn't even able to feel anxiety.

Whenever when I recognize even a trace of some feeling it goes away within minutes. The only emotion I have been able to feel is anger. And I'm so fucking scared that might hurt someone. I did hurt myself out of sheer boredom before but have had thoughts of hurting other people on multiple occasions.

The thing is that I acted like I had emotions, mood swings mostly, but they were all fake. I feel like I am always pretending, just acting the way I think I am supposed to feel. As I said I can't remember the last time I felt happy or sad. I can only ever remember feeling weird. Like the world falls, like I am falling. Everything around me is spinning and I am zooming somewhere inside my head. Almost like nothing’s real.

I lost a friend recently. He completely ghosted me. I don't know why. I think I annoyed him or became too clingy. I really don't know. The thing is I really liked him. maybe even as more than a friend. But now that he left me I don't feel anything. I didn't even feel sad when he stopped returning my texts. The thing is that I don't seem to care about other people. I just think they are too annoying. I should feel bad for saying this but I don't think care about many of my family members. Like I want to protect them but I mostly just feel so angry at them for so many stupid reasons. same thing with my friends.

My therapist says that I am probably just pushing my feelings away but what if I really don't have any? What if I am really fucked up in the head? I’ve got my diagnosis. other mixed disorder of conduct and emotions and unspecified psychosis. But I feel like my questions still aren't answered. I still feel like I don't understand what's wrong with me.