Specifically when you’re heading out of a somewhat okay mental space to take an extended vacation in a terrible one? 

I normally don’t feel much at all or at least don’t even think about it (as in, still not feeling much at all but doing it so efficiently that I never notice and can still feign emotions quite well), but because I’m isolating and feeling numb again, it feels like things are quiet enough that I can see the emotions I would be having if I wasn’t so apathetic.

I lowkey feel like I’m going to be like this for ages, if not forever, and I’m aware that somewhere deep down that’s a terrifying thought. But that despair/terror feels like it’s coming through a couple tons of water and cotton. It’s fuzzy. Like I’m staring at it, holding it at arms-length, just observing. But not experiencing.

I can’t even maintain a smile in front of others when it’s obviously expected and that’s not a thing that ever really happens to me. I can always fake it for social norms, to an extent. But I’m just blank as hell right now.

I don’t know if that made any sense but I tried.