**Heads up: I posted this on the PTSD sub, but I thought it would be nice to get some specific support from the Borderline community, since BPD has a huge effect on how we process shit like this. Thanks, y'all**

Long post. Bear with me.

When I was fresh out of college, I immediately closeted my English degree and began working in animal medicine. It was a dream—I started working at a local shelter, and very quickly moved up to a private hospital with significantly higher pay. I was ecstatic, but I could immediately tell something was wrong. My supervisor/trainer disliked me from jump, and repeatedly reported me to my boss for insubordination. It's true, I was not managing tasks the way my supervisor wanted, but that is because she *would not tell me how.* When I asked clarifying questions, or requested a demonstration of a task I had never done before, she would say, "Just do it," and walk away. I was called into meetings with my boss and supervisor over and over for not being "effective," and each time I tried to explain that I cannot possibly know how to improve if my trainer doesn't instruct me, the trainer would say that her anxiety makes it too difficult for her to make corrections on the spot, so she would rather report them to the boss. I told my boss about the "just do it" issue, and boss said, "Clearly there is a communication gap here that you must try harder to bridge." 

I want to mention here that I was the only minority in the office. That detail doesn't change anything about this story—it would have been shitty for anyone—but it is important for context. (If you don't understand how, and want to, I'm willing to share in PMs.)

I could do nothing right at that job. My supervisor reported me for not engaging enough, for not asking enough questions; when I did engage and ask questions, she reported me for talking too much. When I assisted in check-ups, I would be reported for not cleaning, but when I cleaned I was reported for being "out of sight and unavailable." My supervisor made me carry around a bigass clipboard, and told me to have it on my person at all times. So I did, and was sent back to the boss who asked, "Why are you carrying that clipboard around? You need your hands at the ready." Boss didn't believe me when I said I was doing as instructed.

Working there wore me down to the point of serious danger. My psychiatrist gave me an ultimatum: commit to intensive outpatient therapy, or get committed to inpatient. I am also physically disabled, and must attend physical therapy in order to do my job. I thought this wouldn't be an issue: when I was first hired, my boss explained that the hospital's policy was to work around everyone's health commitments, so I would be able to attend regular appointments if need be. But not so: even when I requested off two weeks in advance, I'd get in trouble for not finding a sub (which, over a week before the day off, was not required). Even when I provided my boss with the emails wherein she granted me a day off for my appointments, she would deny having permitted my absence. In the meantime, my supervisor admonished me for sitting or massaging my legs when we had no patients.

In my first week, My boss said I could text her outside of work if I needed anything. Two months later I did just that, admitting that I was really struggling. She replied that it is "very inappropriate for me to interrupt her, as she is "extremely committed to her personal time." And yet, she and my supervisor gave me a binder full of material to memorize outside of work. When I told this was would be impossible (I worked 15hr shifts and was in online vet tech school), they said I needed to improve my work ethic. They quizzed me every day, and congratulated me for "using my brain" when I answered correctly.

I was fired the day I came in to quit, and left the experience with abysmal self-esteem. That was almost 2 years ago, and I can still barely handle my part-time remote work. Handling even minor tasks makes me sick. I was going to get a master's degree in architecture, then maybe go to vet school, but I think that's a pipe dream. I think the person I was in college (able bodied, strong, ambitious) is long dead. I'm lucky my partner takes care of me, and I'm so ashamed I can't contribute to our life. I'm still in intensive therapy, and I don't know if I'll ever recover from this.

Not sure what I'm looking for in sharing this. Maybe just a virtual group hug.