I’m going to copy and paste something from my notes. It’s something new I’m trying and maybe others can do it as a way to deal with our issues. This isn’t something new it’s essentially journaling, but I reread it today in a completely different headspace and it makes me realize how different of a person I am when I’m in a depressed hole. Feel free to follow my lead. (This note was made April 21 2021) 



Stuck in the middle alone

I’m running low on emotion these days. I have no drive, no desire, no goals. I spend most of my time laying down. I’m morbidly obese probably at about 450plus these days. I know it’ll kill me, maybe that’s what I’m hoping for. I don’t know if this is what depression is because on most days I’m numb. Then once every couple months or so I reach a boiling point, usually triggered by something I’ve seen happening in the world or with those people around me. Today is one of those days. I reached out to a childhood friend that I haven’t really been keeping up with as much these days. He has a job and family so that’s where most of his time goes (understandably), but I reached out to him as a last ditch effort to pull my out of this slump I’m in today. I won’t say what triggered my day today because people will try and say that I’m making someone else’s tragedy about me so I’ll just leave out the specifics. But I reached out and he’s a right leaning guy and I’m a middle guy. And he worked as a way to have someone to hear what I said but there still was that disconnect in our opinions. I hate politics. I’m a fence sitter hated by both sides liked by none. And in this day and age politics are everything and everywhere seems everyone has a political science degree these days. I don’t really know why I’m writing this a guess if something happens someone will find it and see where my head is at. I’ve pretty much lost my connection with my father at this point. I still love him and always will but he moved away a few years back and ever since then The connection has gotten worse and worse. I see him about 2 times a year. From going to seeing him every week and the potential to see him everyday to now seeing him twice a year if I’m lucky is a pretty drastic change and I’m probably still dealing with it. I was supposed to move up with him and start my professional career after college but covid hit and now idk what I’m gonna do. I’m lost physically and emotionally. I don’t for see myself ever ending it all, but I’m writing this in case I do. I’m 25 years old the year is 2021. When I started writing this I was emotional, tears in my eyes. Now as am a good few paragraphs in I’m back to numb. I can’t afford therapy, nor would I be able to explain the importance of it to my right leaning family without getting disowned. I’ve never been tho so maybe it’s all horseshit anyway. Most of my relationships with females growing up in a romantic way were troubled to say the least. For the most part I’d say most didn’t even know it was romantic. And when I tried to step out on a limb I was rejected lied too and used. Most of my attempts were either ignored or just laughed at. These days I have zero desire to get into a relationship. I’m attracted to females sexually but have no desire for relationships anymore. Every relationship I’ve seen play out of others around me has had major problems and has even ended so what’s the point. Life isn’t a romantic movie like we see on tv. It’s not worth the effort put in in most cases. I’m not a sexist I believe woman can do what they want and I’d they can qualify for jobs and do the same work as men then go for it. I just don’t have any desire to live with one for a lifetime. I’ve never had sex or even kissed a girl this probably will never change. I’ve had opportunities but have given up because the effort isn’t with the reward. You can’t even look at a girl these days without being acused of sexual assault so good look having something with no dating experience or any other type of experience try to learn what to do and what not to do. So I’ll just leave that where it started at the starting line. And take care of my urges when they come to me. I’ll probably be dead at 50. This I don’t care about that much. I hate funerals but mine will probably be the only one I don’t cry at. Funerals are so weird, you can go in not planning on crying but after the preacher tells you how much of a sinner you are and they play every sad song in the book you’ll be crying at the end. I’ve been to too many funerals in my lifetime and I’m dreading those of my closest people. I guess I’m writing this for someone to read it idk. Maybe I’ll find a way to post this somewhere. I’m not dying I’m not ending it, I’m just suffering silently. Trying to make my existence have as little a negative impact on others as possible. This isn’t a cry for help, im not asking for advice this is just a stream of consciousness after reaching one of my boiling points. I’ll be fine a couple days...