With all the unstable relationships I've been through and had to deal with taking a toll on my emotional health and making me highly insecure, I've kind of just resorted to trying to find an explanation in hopes I understand myself better or can explain myself better to partners hopefully easier as well. Through a lot of going deep into trying to research random things that fit the bill, I've kind of stumbled upon BPD and been surprised to see how many similarities there are with the characteristics of it and me. I'm a teen who can't really see a psychiatrist and gets incredibly nervous talking to someone face to face anyway, here I'm kind of just looking for someone to help me any way, I don't really know what kind of help though. 

I really don't want to seem like I'm trying to self diagnose or anything, I do just want some people to help me a little bit with knowing whether or not it is actually a possibility for me so I can hopefully try to convince my parents to get me to see a psychiatrist or a therapist, and maybe get a diagnosis. In my head I've always thought an actual diagnosis would help me a lot with getting help and understanding myself if I did come to find I had something like BPD.

One of the first things that always invades my head thinking about it is being told by friends that I wouldn't realize I had BPD if I did truly have it, I'm not really sure if that's right or wrong but I have indeed just kind of stumbled across it on my own and 'connected the dots' realizing I might have it but I'm not sure again if they're right or wrong about it. I've always had a really strong fear of being abandoned or ignored/left alone with myself, I find myself freaking out over things in relationships as small as just having a conversation with someone and they don't respond for 15 minutes. Normally I feel like someones mind should just go to oh they're busy, but I just get really freaked out over it and start to overthink why they might be 'ignoring' me and end up getting to the conclusion that this must just finally be us drifting apart, even though that's nowhere near the case. I find myself only thinking in extremes and having really rapid mood swings that can get from 0 to 100 or vice versa sometimes like the flip of a switch. What mainly peaked my concern was unstable relationships being an I assume big symptom of BPD, along with impulsivity. I don't think I've ever had a relationship that wasn't just slowly chipped away at by my mood swings and general instability, I'm currently in one now that has lasted almost a full year which is massive to me and I'm constantly deeply afraid of losing him. On the other hand though, I'm scared that I'm being emotionally abusive to him even if I don't really mean to, I'm concerned for his general mental health and starting to think that maybe he'd just be better without me in his life. Although my fear of having nobody there for me anymore greatly overpowers this feeling related or not. It's kind of scary sometimes how well BPD seems to fit me, but it's also kind of comforting because maybe then I can get real help for it? Another thing is the unstable self image, it fits so well it's kind of painful. Sometimes I feel okay with myself and actually quite like myself, but other times I feel absolutely disgusted with myself, or I view myself as just attention seeking and narcissistic. A thought that frequently invades my mind and gives me the most trouble is the thought of maybe I don't have any real mental issues and I'm just faking it all for attention, even though I never really try to show anything with my mental health. Most of the time though I just call myself narcissistic and villainize myself and similar things like that. I'm just really confused with everything.

I hope nobody with BPD is offended by this or anything, thinking I'm coming here trying to self diagnose myself or anything, I truly just want someone who knows more than I do to help me understand whether or not I may have this BPD or nudge me towards something I might have instead, because I just want help. I'm coming here for this since, BPD from what I read in the time I spent going through it fits me almost perfectly, and I mean really perfectly. There's not an awful whole lot of issues I have outside of the characteristics of BPD either, which also kind of nudges me towards the idea I might have it. Anyone who can help can ask any questions and I'll do my best to explain in response well to them, I might not have covered everything but I did do my best and spend time going through the characteristics of it past just front page google results, and I do really believe that I may have it cause it just fits so well. Of course I haven't covered everything, but I'm not sure it matters the most to cover every minute detail, as I'm not expecting anyone here to be a psychiatrist for me but I can answer any specific or not questions or things I missed if need be. If it matters at all, I know my Mother is diagnosed with bipolar disorder along with her mother and her father was schizophrenic, I don't actually know much about my dad though. I'm quite tired currently so some things may or may not make sense, idk, but my concern for this has spanned months.

(I'm also not sure if I need any other flairs for this, but hopefully I'm doing things right..)