I've had emotional instability and high difficulty managing negative emotions ever since I was four years old. I suspected I had BPD at 16 but my therapist said I was too young to have BPD diagnosed. I was diagnosed with depression at 13 but I know I had it in childhood. I just got diagnosed with BPD a few months ago at 28. 

Anyways my point is that therapy has never worked for me; I haven't tried DBT yet (I've no insurance since I was diagnosed) but honestly I am skeptical about that too. Antidepressants work half the time at best, and if something triggers me I may as well not be on any meds at all, I still spiral into intense anger, self-loathing, sometimes self-harm (trying to stay away from it) and ruining anything good going for me.

The thought that it will in all likelihood take YEARS of INTENSE work on my part to literally change my fucking brain (and even then not have a guarantee that it will work) just sounds like an insurmountable mountain that will make me just as miserable climbing as I am standing at the base of it. I've never had evidence that I can get better, I always resort back to the thoughts of how fucked and broken I am, and how my self-hatred, anger, and emotional instability have been part of me since I was a child, how the hell am I going to change that?

I don't want to be "'better able' to fight" my mental illness, I want to be cured. I don't want to ever have to deal with these irrational self-sabotaging thoughts and emotions again and if there's no promise of that at the top of that mountain then I don't even want to try it.

I just don't want to struggle anymore and I literally see no way out of a life of constant struggling and relapsing. What's the point of a life like that? I either see it as a case of I'm cured and happy or I'm constantly "in recovery" and fighting every day and still miserable.

I've just had no proof in 25 years that I can be permanently better. If I can't be happy and better-adjusted like most everyone else is then I don't want to do it anymore and I may as well give up on life (I'm constantly on the edge of that anyways).

Anyone else relate?