Maybe it was due to my ex’s horribly manipulative behavior and abuse that I stayed, but my ex and I were together for almost 3 years, separated for 6 when he thought he was gay. I of course had a meltdown about him not loving me and spiraled. When we got back together we moved in and he was abusive then, going as far as to black my eye over a lighter. Well long story short he cheated on me, then proposed and then dumped me a month later. We had arguing issues and he would never probably communicate with me what I could possibly do to make anything better between us. He would call me dumb, retarded, fat, and his favorite insult Chris Chan. When we broke up it was ultimately tumultuous. I had to pack all of my belongings in one night while he taunted that being away from me was the happiest he’d ever been. I think I will always hurt due to this. He claimed to love me at some point and I thought we were in love through the entire time regardless of arguments. I should’ve known this was not so upon us getting back together the second time he judged my body based on who he thought I had hooked up with even though he hooked up with a man well passed his senior and told me about it. 
Well, I bought weeed from him recently and it somehow turned into me hooking up with him again and this hookup ended with him telling me via text that I’m hot but he would never want to be with me like that again. My entire brain is shattered, I cannot believe I was told I was just a hole by the one man who I thought had loved me. I’m 20 now and we started dating when I was 17…I tripped shrooms this weekend and I cried even harder because I realized he hadn’t loved me for a long time and I can convince myself that even abuse is love.