I need to Vent. I'm not seeking advice unless someone knows how to make my main stressors get fixed without me selling organs or my body. 

I'm over here, at work, trying so hard to convince myself that, despite what my brain is screaming, my partners are not better off without me, that I am not the huge mistake and fuck up that I believe I am, that I am not going to be the biggest regret either of them has ever had, and that I'm not some worthless piece of shit who can't do anything right.

That's what is currently screaming through my head with the strength of 1000 Valkyries.

I don't know how to stop myself from thinking that and while a part of my brain that is calm can recognize that this is just my BPD going haywire on me again (that's the part of me that is currently typing) the rest of me is screaming that I should listen to those voices and that it would be better for my partners if I just left and never darkened their doorstep again, that no matter how much my partners say otherwise I am in fact not good for them and they would be better off without me, that they only say the love me/desire me/want me/need me out of some twisted view of honor that they uphold because they promised to always love me and care for me.

I'm gonna start crying at work and I hate people who cry at work.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Why can't my brain work the way it should and stop trying to sabotage me at every step?

Why can't I handle stress like a healthy adult? Why can't I function like a healthy adult?

Why can't I just figure out how to fix all the issues that are causing me stress and causing my partners stress? Why can't I follow through with the plans set forth? Yes some got derailed because of outside forces but I feel the blame for failure lies mostly at my feet.

What the actual fuck is wrong with me?

I love them so much, and I just want them to be happy. Even better would be if I was part of if not the main reason they were happy.

Why can't I just be happy? Why can't I go one day without feeling a multitude of different things and just level off?

I hate BPD. I also hate the current healthcare system which keeps me from the therapy and medication I need so I can get some form of calm and level instead of tumultuous and stormy.

Sorry. I just needed to rant and get this off my chance. It helped a little. I can breathe now but I'm still crying and I'm nowhere near calm but I can at least breathe a bit.

&amp;#x200B;

Sorry.