I recently just got diagnosed with BPD, and while it sucked, I was happy to hopefully get the support I need to get better. My relationship with my girlfriend was so amazing. She was, and still is, my whole world. She told me she was never going to leave me because I was struggling. However, recently, I have been struggling *so much* with being aggressive and blowing up on her, for no reason at all. I have made her upset more times than I can count, and that makes me so angry at myself.

Sunday she texted me and told me my apologies really don't mean anything anymore, which makes sense because no matter how much I apologize, I still struggle so badly with controlling my emotions. When she told me that, I knew I was making her resent me. I told her we needed to take a break. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but she agreed. Part of me wishes she tried to stop me, but I know it is what's best for her. I just wish I would have gotten help sooner, because I had no idea I had BPD, and I wish I would have known... Maybe I could have prevented this. I don't know. I feel like a complete asshole, because I was. As good as I was to her at times, I could be so nasty in my episodes... and she doesn't deserve that. 

I just wish things were different. I wish I was different. I feel like I not only lost her, but my closest friends. We were in the same friend group and I decided to leave so we could both heal. And we all played Dungeons and Dragons every week, which made me so incredibly happy. But I left that too. I know we both need space, even though she does want to be friends and wants to be in my life. But... I think we both need that space, even for a little bit, to heal. Despite this, I am so alone. I am so mad at myself... and part of me tells me I deserve it, and that no one will love me. I tried so hard to get better, but I wasn't fast enough. I have no resentment towards her in the slightest. She is kind, passionate, and beautiful. She is struggling with her problems, and she has no obligation to take on mine as well. I know she will be okay without me... but I don't know if I will be okay without her. My chest physically hurts and I have been crying and shaking all day. It has been debilitating. 

I really don't know if I will get a response to this. I just... needed to vent to people who would understand. Maybe feel less like a monster.