I just needed somewhere to put this down, I need to vent to like-minded people. OK, so, obviously CW//self-harm, suicide, depressive thoughts and whatnot. 
I (26nb)have the lovely diagnoses of Bipolar Disorder type 1, ADHD, and, of course, what brings us together, BPD. I had been pretty stable for more than 6 months, at least on Bipolar grounds, like, I hadn't really had severe depressive or hypomanic episodes and had not had mania for I guess like a year or more idk. Last year my mom passed from covid on January so I spent the whole year absent-minded and extremely depressed, but I finally began therapy, I guess. On grounds of bpd I have not, at all, been stable. I've had a lot of ups and downs with my best friend and all my friends, really, and it got worse lately because they finally got me on- I guess it's more widely known as- Ritalin this August and upped the dosis on September and oh boy did I have a shitty time.

In the space of a week or so, I became psychotic and I was having hallucinations and planned to kms. I wrote letters for all my friends but would make it appear as an accident to my family. I had had some intentional overdoses before but nothing really serious until then. So, anyways, my plan failed because my body couldn't take so much alcohol anymore and, lo and behold, I'm still fckng here.

So anyways, I got out of that episode and I was a lot better but then bupropion became unavailable in my state and my anxiety went through the roof, and my depression was making a wonderful comeback. Anyways, I am taking it again finally, but I noticed that while I wasn't taking it, I could finally cry. I hadn't been able to cry for months, nor feel anything, really. Actually I had been self-harming much more because I couldn't feel anything. And well, I haven't self-harmed in like almost 2 weeks or so. Also, after some conversations with my friends I kinda had a breakthrough with some shit that actually causes my bpd symptoms and relapses, BUT old habits die hard, and I obviously still don't know how to change my thought patterns. I mean, I still split extremely fast, I still have a huge fear of abandonment, and my emotions have record-winning speed in changing. I can't cry anymore again, so, let's see how 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 turns out.

And my best friend is far away and he's been sad and unable to go out when he comes back to this city, so that's jolly. And I keep trying to offer him my help and suggesting to find a therapist but I guess he doesn't want to or whatever. He's also bpd and I actually am pretty fucking worried that he'll get real fckng bad and he has no one near to help. And I just keep thinking at 100miles an hour about so many different things that I'm going through and I'm extremely worried and I can't do anything bc I feel I'm going to annoy him and he'll be fed up with me and he'll split on me and that scares me as well. But, meanwhile, I'm splitting on him and on everyone because everything annoys me so much and I don't know why and I just wish that my suicide attempt had fckng worked. I just wish I wasn't here anymore having to keep dealing with this shit of a brain I got. My dumb mind keeps screaming "I wanna die" "I wish I was dead" and so on and that's as charming as it sounds, but I don't actually want to attempt suicide again, like, I'm not planning on doing it, I don't even feel like I actually want to die, it's just a phrase that is so usual to me that my brain screams it whenever it's bothered. I DO wish my attempt had worked, but that's very different from wanting to die now.

And so, I'm just annoyed as shit and needed to write this. Sorry for the whole... everything. English isn't my first language so I don't give a fuck if I made a mistake. fuck English. Be grateful I communicate in it in the first place, as if it was the world's official language.
Sorry if I violate any rules, erase this if you must.
And my question to the community: Do you ever feel this volatile and annoyed? What have you found might cause it? How do you deal with not being able to cry?
Thanks for your attention.