My mom has undiagnosed bpd I believe and blames her rage/manic episodes on her ptsd. She emotionally dumps on me all the time and I try to be there for her. But then if I say or do one thing she perceives as having bad intent she will split on me and go from being nice and fun to pure evil. She’s pretty old so I don’t ever see this changing. Friday I asked her to leave me alone all day Saturday please because I’ve been feeling really overwhelmed with all her emotions. Did she listen? No. She goes around the house yelling and banging things and sometimes hitting herself. So then I get triggered and feel overstimulated and unsafe. I threw a bunch of stuff on the floor yesterday because my words and pleas for her to be quiet weren’t working. I don’t recognize myself, I started screaming back at her. I never am like this with anyone because no one violates my boundaries as much as she does. She accuses me of being mentally unstable when I finally lose it and says she can do whatever she wants in “HER HOUSE” so she can go around screaming and burst into my room to scream at me whenever she wants. 

It makes sense I have bpd from her having it and being subjected to abuse and trauma for my whole life. I thought I was ok for a few years in college but really I think weed/gym was the only thing helping me just forget and stuff down the negative feelings. I deep down have incredible self loathing and self hatred and spiral when I feel abandoned or rejected. I will block people when I feel triggered by them because the pain is so great I can’t handle it. Yet I do have quite a few great friends but I haven’t really told them except that I’m depressed and in a lot of pain. I worry they would judge me too. I also have adhd recently diagnosed and oftentimes feel my brain is broken and feel very low about myself. I also think malnourishment from my stomach issues contributes to a lot of my issues. 

I’ve been really depressed since I got here because I have a couple chronic illnesses and she’s been paying to help me get treatment. She’ll go off if I say no to going to the store with her or going for a walk or whatever because I’m very depressed and low energy. She went off on me because she’s made healthy meals for me that are gf for example and she normally eats gluten and then she’ll complain it made her feel sick and how she does “so much for me and I don’t appreciate it” even though I genuinely say thank you so much and sit there and enjoy the food. There’s a lot of other things but I can’t really think straight. I get overstimulated and stressed out easily and her outbursts drain me to a point I feel like a shell of a person. 

Yesterday was the worst day and I’m very sensitive I guess especially these days and I lost my mind when I tried to make and eat dinner and she wouldn’t stop bursting in my room yelling and continuing to help and bang things around outside my door. I timed it, I waited from 6:17 when my dinner was ready to 6:58 for her to stop. By then my appetite was ruined and my food was cold anyways. I was so upset and felt so trapped I took 6 trazodone and 6 Tylenol to try to go into a deep sleep and make my physical pain go away. And I woke up today feeling horrible. Idk I guess I thought maybe if I took enough I could sleep for all of today and avoid my mom. I need a plan to get away but my health is so shit I feel like there’s no way out. I never know how much pain I’ll be in any given day. Like I took a time machine back to high school when I was abused daily and it makes me remember those hopeless and suicidal feelings I had way too early on. I’ve felt my mental health nosedive since I’ve been here and I don’t see any hope right now. I just want to keep sleeping so I can shut out all the noise