I have realized that this is often why I fail to see the alleged loving things that people do for me—because the things they do are the way in which I behave at the bare minimum. Even with people I hate.

I’m a kind and extremely conscientious person when it comes to people’s feelings. I’m *constantly* making sure that other people’s comfort is taken care of before mine, and I try to be throughly thoughtful. I edit what I’m going to say in my head before saying something to someone, to make sure I convey that I understand them and so as not to say anything offensive.

I try and buy gifts for people that really speak to who they are and what they enjoy. 

I spend an exhausting amount of time trying to be a decent person and my mind is never at peace because of it.

I am a people pleaser. Why? Well, it’s not just about wanting people to like me although I admit that is part of it. It’s also greatly because that is just how I’m made. I feel *compelled* to give of myself as much as possible. I don’t know else to explain it. It’s my sense of personal morality I guess.

But I feel like most of the time, people simply aren’t willing or are unable to match the amount of effort I put into interacting with them. And a lot of people will easily take of advantage of me if they notice this about me. 

This is what makes relationships with others so difficult for me. 

Take my mom for example. I actually hate my mom. I don’t love her at all. Why? Because she is a cold and distant woman who was never affectionate with her children whatsoever.

But we’ve gotten into fights most of my life because I accuse her of being cold and unloving and she completely disagrees. She insists she does things for me all the time to show her love.

The only kinds of things she does for her children are things that come off as an afterthought. Things that really don’t take any amount of sacrifice or emotional effort at all.

I can count on one hand the amount of times she ever did anything thoughtful, and all of them are quite laughable in my opinion. Let’s see:

1. She bought a bottle of some *cheap* shampoo she knew I used one time.

2. I remember when I was still living at home she knew I liked sharp cheddar instead of mild and so she came home with that one day. It was only one time though.

Those are just off the top of my head, but this is the kind of shit I’m talking about.

And I feel like most other people are like this. They merely say hello and think they’re the nicest people on earth, but don’t feel obligated to give of themselves any more than that. And I’m sick of it. 

So I’m just kind of done with humans altogether at this point.