I just want to be able to have a life without feeling constantly anxious and horrible. The previous roommate situation was me living with the landlord who was in her 40s and her mother who was in her 70s in the condo that the landlord owned. it became obvious the mother despised having me there and would constantly expect me to uphold nearly impossible standards of cleanliness (beyond normal standards, like wiping down all doorknobs constantly. one time I wore shoes through the entrance hallway because I was in a hurry to get to work and she started locking the door to that hallway so I couldn’t enter that way). 

I’m also autistic and have a hard time picking up social cues, so I would understand that she was mad or frustrated with me but I could never understand why because she never clearly expressed her feelings so I would just feel on edge constantly. She also was upset I had to take the bus to get to work because of Covid despite me always masking, never doing anything or having a social life, and not being able to afford a car. They ended up basically kicking me out after 2 months but I was more than happy to leave since my life was becoming a living hell so I went along with it and got my own place to rent. They refused to let me have even masked guests over, even ones that were getting Covid tested regularly, but would also let their friends and family members inside the house unmasked without asking me how I  felt about it first or even a warning. They even tried to get me to pay for the dryer to be repaired after I moved out despite me always air drying my clothes while I was there, claiming I overloaded it the one time I used the dryer (I did not, it was just my sheets). 

Years later I still have a horrible fear of living with roommates and even though my roommates now are completely fine and nothing like my previous ones, I still feel so anxious that I will do something to upset them that will cause them to resent me, like what happened at the last place. I just feel guilty for existing in this space even though logically I know I shouldn’t as I pay my share of the rent like everyone else.

My main issue now is one of my cats is suffering from anxiety I believe since the move and has been more vocal than usual, waking me up early in the mornings. I have taken him to the vet already and what we’ve tried hasn’t worked but I’m so worried about him. I try and get him to stop making noise but I am terrified that I am upsetting/waking up my roommates with the noise from the cats and it’s literally making me lose my grip on reality. I keep worrying that they’re angry with me and haven’t said anything, that they secretly hate me and want me gone, I never feel like I can relax because I’m always worrying about the cats making noise and bothering them, on top of worrying about my cat’s well-being. 

It’s so hard living with other people ever since this bad experience, I had no issues before this when I had roommates. I can’t afford to live alone and my lease doesn’t end for almost another year so I’m stuck, and even if I moved in with other roommates that wouldn’t solve my problem unless they were close friends maybe, but I have none. I’m always in survival mode and I literally made myself sick from all the anxiety and had to call in sick from work because of it. 

I just want to be able to get over this bad experience so it’s not ruining my life anymore.