I guess this is both venting, and seeking support.

 Any good resources for coping mechanisms for splitting? I have been finding myself in a giant rut with everything in my life right now. On the one hand I know I should feel privileged and lucky and ought to appreciate what I have going for me. My job allows me to work from home, which is a boon in these times. I have a place to live.  My boyfriend actually gives a shit about my feelings. It's been a totally stable relationship without any significant drama for nearly 2 years and that's no small feat for me.

On the other hand I feel trapped, and I am freaking out. I find myself questioning everything. Am I where I want to be? If I'm not, what does getting where I want to be mean for my future? Am I here because I can't survive without someone else there? Is that going to be good for me if I do find a way to leave?  No, frig off brain you don't want to leave!!! But the urge to be alone and not in the observance range of others is such an intoxicating thought. I find myself wanting to be alone. I get cranky when I feel imposed  upon. I find myself tired of worrying about how someone else feels about what I have to do to get my needs met, because I can barely handle how I feel and I'm so tired.

I care very much about my boyfriend and I am trying hard not to be a selfish partner the ways I've often fell into in my past. I have a lot of past issues and trauma that is playing into all of these ruminations, on top of BPD brain.  Lately life has been a constant stream of and worry and uncertainty in my mind and then trying to talk myself out of it. I know how I am. I know that this isn't all rational. But what if I'm writing off how I feel again, and burying something that needs to be dealt with, because it's easier? 

I wish my brain would just shut up!