I (17F) don’t believe in Islam anymore. I’ve been honest with my parents about this and we’re at a point in which I feel guilty for simply having different beliefs than them.

despite not believing in islam anymore, i’ve never disrespected my parents and continue to wear the hijab and follow their rules. Although, I’ll find my parents crying because they’re worried for me, and my mother will constantly remind me how I need to include god in my life and how i am not a good person without him. at this point, i just stay silent and don’t engage with them when they’re like this, because that’s when my mother will say hurtful things to me. 

she told me that she had no problem leaving me behind if i choose not to be muslim. another time she mentioned how my heart is filled with darkness, and how puzzled she is by how i’ve become like this. and of course her common statements asking where she went wrong, and how much she misses my innocence and islamic devotion when i was younger. 

i feel constantly guilt tripped by my parents and honestly it hurts me, a lot. i understand that it could be much worse, but i don’t want to live like this. i feel isolated because i’m mentally ill, and my mother knows this. i hav a muslim therapist that keeps an open dialogue with my mother, so there’s not much of anything that i can tell her. 

in all honesty, i just want to live my life, by my terms. i don’t want to cut my parents off, i don’t want to argue or cause any problems either. and as i’m graduating high school soon, i’m considering asking my non-muslim grandmother if i can move in with her. 

she lives less than 10 minutes away from my parents but I honestly believe that I’d feel free living with her. my biggest problem is that i’m not sure if this would even be legal as i’m still 17 and don’t turn 18 until the end of September. 

additionally, i’m not entirely sure how i’d be able to orchestrate this. i was thinking of speaking to my grandma personally about how i feel and if i could live with her, but i’m not sure how she’ll react. i hav a feeling that she’ll get into it with my mother which is the last thing i want. and if she were to agree, then i can imagine my mother putting up a fight esp since i’m still a minor. 

i’m not sure how i should go about this. i think that my best bet would be to wait until i’m 18 so i don’t have to deal with any legal repercussions. although, i really want to start college as the person i want to be. and i just don’t know if i can continue living like this for another 7 months. 

TLDR: should i wait until i’m 18 to ask my grandma if i can live with her? or ask to live with her after my hs graduation with the possibility of my mother putting up a fight?

thank you all, please stay safe.