Hey all.

First of all I’m so happy there is a sub for BPD.. I’ve been doing a lot of reading and for the first time in a while, I don’t feel alone with my symptoms.

The start of my recovery was sobering up.. I was sober for about a year and a half until I wanted to tackle my mental health and get help. Medication and a therapist was extremely triggering and I ended up relapsing last month because of it.

It’s been hard. I made a good friend in recovery, but I’ve split pretty hard and feel so guilty about it. I don’t want to split, but she just annoys the me now and I want nothing to do with her anymore.

We were sitting in an AA meeting and she was writing in her journal. She passed the journal over to me and it was “Beelzbee’s Sober Plan” written out with a to do list, goals, people to contact, all that jazz. She wanted me to fill out the rest of it.

It just felt so condescending. I didn’t know what to do and felt mortified. I was already in a bad head space and I just completely shut down. I know she is worried because of my relapse but it felt like a “holier than thou” act.

Then the next day she invited me to another meeting. I tried to move on and told myself it’s just my mental health, give her a shot. Ignore my negative opinions. She was with her friends I never met before. She acted so .. different. She talked in a trap voice, all gangsta, and her whole personality changed. She acted like I wasn’t even there.

I can’t get over it. I want nothing to do with her now. She cares about me and I don’t want to lose her, but I can’t get myself to see any good qualities about her anymore. Idk what to do and just needed a place to vent. She is part of my social group and I feel I’m avoiding my regular AA meetings so I don’t see her.

Anyways.. I’m grateful I understand what splitting is now. I’m grateful for the awareness and I’m not crazy, I’m just sick with an illness. I am unsure how to work through this because in the past I always just cut people out and I want to break that pattern.