Okay...so this is a very long and a bit of a complex story. I hope this is the right section to post it in. 

To start, I am a 29 year old male. I pretty much identify as straight in my everyday life. I know for a fact that I am on the spectrum of being bisexual, but it isn't strong enough for me to really identify that way.

 I never look at my male friends in a romantic or sexual way. I never stop and look at men for a double take like I do with women. I have experimented with men in the past, and I have had some moments where I felt turned on by it in fantasies, but it mostly felt like an occasional fetish. The thought of having a relationship with a man is pretty unappealing. I am attracted to trans women though. 

But...there are very rare occasions where I find myself going the complete opposite direction. And these occasions usually involve hard drugs...uppers.

 I don't party like this consistently, but I find that when I do, my sexual preferences get thrown upside down. When I am under the influence of these drugs, I have a strong urge to be a femboy, cross dress, and play that role with an older masculine top. I am not sure why I change so much under the influence. It's as if I'm a completely different person. 

And what's even worse is I get incredibly reckless when I do this stuff. I'll cross dress and take pics, and then ill go on grindr and send them to random men because it turns me on in that moment. I'll also often go on a cam site to get my kicks. 

When I am in the moment, I feel as if this isn't a bad idea. I feel as if I'm exploring a new side of myself and freeing myself sexually. But when I come down and go back to my sober self, I feel as if I wake up. It feels unappealing and not worth it. And then I feel very anxious and paranoid that I put myself out there on the internet in a reckless manner. This recent bender was very reckless. I am incredibly worried that one day these pictures and activity will resurface to people who don't need to know.

I'm not really ashamed of being slightly bi sexual. But I know for a fact that the sober me prefers women 95% of the time. I feel fine and comfortable as a straight guy and I don't feel like the bi sexual tendencies are strong enough to need to come out or identify as such. But I am very confused and even more scared about my reckless decisions under the influence. 

I am taking steps to make sure I don't repeat these mistakes. I'm going to hard core detox and do my best to stay away from drugs. I have a therapist who I have been seeing for a few years, but I don't feel like he would really be the best person to talk about this to. He has helped me a lot with a lot of my issues, but after getting to know him, I don't think he would be able to understand. 

I just feel really alone and scared and feel as if I have potentially ruined my life and my reputation. I fear that if these things haven't surfaced on the internet yet...they might someday. 

Can anyone help or provide comfort? I don't even know what I am asking for...I just needed to get this off my chest. I want to just feel okay...