I messed up. We had a day of no talking after she was out last night (I couldn’t relax all day, overthinking as usual). Things are so bad between us right now, she’s been lying and going behind my back a lot. We’re not a couple but we tell each other we love each other for 2 years now, we just can’t be a couple cause of long distance right now. She has hurt me so much lately, others involved, she has apologized and promised she’s only focusing on herself and no one else right now. 
I got this feeling today that something is up. My whole heart started to hurt. I checked her tumblr, she’s liking someone’s new posts. Tumblr was always “our thing”. I decided to check if she follows the same person on Spotify, and she did. She also follows all the girls she’s talked to. 2 or 3 irl friends but the rest were just girls she’s talked to/is talking to at the same time as me. I had to go throw up. I don’t know why I get like this, I hate myself in these situations. I want to die and end my life in these situations. 

Everything got blurry and I texted her that we need to talk and that I can’t do it anymore. Immediately regretted it. Embarrassed myself. Opened up. Said too much. Now we’re gonna talk on the phone tomorrow and I don’t know what to say. I’m embarrassed. 

I hate being like this. I hate putting my worth in how others treat me. I hate myself for loving her. I hate myself for being so jealous. I hate myself so much.

My days revolve around her. If we talk or not. How she talks to me if she does. My mood is always based on her. All I ever think of is her. Nothing else. I’d do anything for her. I care about her more than I care about myself. She’s been lying to me a lot, probably still is, but I never want to lose her. Even if she hurts me I want to talk to her cause that means she’s still in my life.