i cheated on my girlfriend two nights ago. i was blacked out drunk and making out with a different girl. the next day i woke up i was sobbing crying all day long because i knew what happened. i texted her and told her right away what i had done.  it’s so hard for me to get past this because in our relationship i have always been anti cheat, obviously everyone is, but i made it very clear that i think that’s the worst thing possible you can do to someone, and there i went doing it. we’d always joke and make promises like say “please don’t ever cheat on me!!!” and i just feel so bad. the kiss meant nothing. the girl it was with, i barely even like to be around her. i don’t remember any of it or wanting to even do it. me and my girlfriend are long distance. she was planning to come visit me in september. the last time we saw each other was in july. the story doesn’t end there, because i have bpd it’s obviously more than that. from the start of our relationship i have always confused myself with if i actually liked her, or if i just liked the idea of her. i would question all the time if i was actually attracted to her. i always have a thought in my mind that tells me to break up with her (even before i cheated) but now it’s like i know that’s the right thing to do. because i have bpd, continuing the relationship would be absolutely terrible for me. i don’t think i can do it in a healthy way without victimizing myself for how bad i feel. but the amount of cons to breaking up with her really bites me in the ass.  (this is all of in fact she doesn’t break up with me first for cheating. i’m not sure, still waiting on her response.) but the cons are i’m terrified of change, and i’m scared her parents will hate me. i stayed with them and WE even talked about cheating and i swore i’d never do it. i’m so ashamed and just have so much guilt. i’m scared for what they’ll think of me. or if me and my girlfriend won’t be able to be the best friends we are after this.  i’m scared our friend group will be ruined, or if they find out i cheated they will hate me. and the fear of having regret after we break up. even tho i always question if i liked her enough, there’s always the feeling of security when we’re dating, and i always had those upsides of wow i really love her and all those negative thoughts are jusT BS. oh how easy this could be if i didn’t have a mental problem. i just don’t know what to do with myself. i can’t carry on the days.