i watched modern love and related to anne hathaway's character in ep. 3. watching her character kind of made me feel seen and gave me awareness of how i'm feeling for the first time. then she reveals she has bipolar disorder, which also confused me if i do have one but i related more to her character's depressive episodes especially when she broke down in the bathroom and sobbed on the floor. i also don't have high highs to make me feel bipolar. some days i'd try to feel motivated but i end up giving up and questioning myself, and distracting myself to avoid everything, then just stay in bed with my phone.

i also related to drag race uk's season 2 veronica green during the quarantine episode when she described being depressed. she said she stayed in bed for a couple of days until it turned into weeks and months. and i was like that last year until now. i only got out of my room to get food or feed the cats but i never leave my bed.

i am bringing this up here because i did try opening up to my family and it didn't end well and i don't think they'll ever help me get any professional help. thank you.