It's been a month since my ex broke up with me but the wound still feels very fresh. In the past I would have already turned to my unhealthy coping mechanisms. I would have started sleeping with new men to shake off my ex but I don't want to. I can't. We still text, still see each-other like once a week, and we are intimate in those moments but I can't look at him in the face without feeling disgusted and ashamed of myself. 

Sometimes I would love nothing more than to erase his memory. There are days where I remember what his touch felt like and I feel sick to my stomach at the thought I may never feel that again (as partners). I remember what his kisses on my skin felt like and I feel like I die every time. So I'm sure you can understand why I would want to remove his memory. Have you ever had someone like that? Someone you are STILL convinced is the love of your life but you just fucked it up? He says he wants to get back together but we both need to heal and grow, he says 'we' are a possibility in the future and as amazing as that sounds I no longer feel it's ... possible. I still very much love him but I have hurt him in more ways than I will EVER be able to forgive myself for. 

I don't know where I'd be without my FP. He's become someone so important to me. We are both empaths so we know what the other is feeling without saying a word. I don't have to put up any sort of front around him because he knows what I'm feeling before I say anything and I feel like between him and therapy... I'm taking huge strides in the right direction. He understands my history because he too has lived through similar traumas and he has provided so many resources to help me, he is constantly reassuring me that he's not gonna let me go through this by myself. Part of me hates it, because I feel I don't deserve it. I have developed a pretty bad loss of appetite and he is always checking up on me to see if I have ate and if I haven't he goes far out of his way to get food in front of me, even if I just pick at it I can see it makes him feel good so I eat little bits. Crying spells have become a very normal thing for me,  but he always seems to know... which is good because I don't have to ask for him to console me, he just knows. All of these feelings almost seem foreign. It's like he's in my head. It scares me because he knows that my ex comes before him and he knows that IF my ex and I get back together we can't be that close (my exe's rule). I really don't want to lose him. His presence in my life (which hasn't been very long) has made such a huge positive impact.  

My Dearest Coffee, (inside joke) 

When we first met, I never would have thought that I would become so close to you. I have had many people walk in and out of my life without making much of an impact on me, but with you things are different. I have not once questioned your friendship or honesty, mainly because I haven't had a reason to. To be honest, I never would have thought you would be the person to cheer me up or help me through a bad time either. However, you are that person for me. You always know how to put me in a better mood. You make fun of me and I yell at you for doing it, and somehow, everything is better. I can't stay angry with you for longer than 15 minutes because you'll change the subject and say something that makes me laugh and forget about everything else. As much as I hate that you trick me into forgetting what I was mad at, I'm thankful you bring me back down. I have found that some people don't understand our friendship. They are confused as to how I can be so close with a guy, or how my friendship with you could be worth more to me than my relationships with my girlfriends. The truth is, I don't know how it happened, but I'm grateful that we are here. I really could not imagine a better best friend than you.