Hello everyone. Honestly, I don't even know where to start with this, but I could really use some advice. I am a typical teenager who's getting ready to move out soon with my best friend. This has been our dream for a long time and I'm glad we're finally achieving it. We're both artists and we'll be working with art in the future and everything seems planned. However, there's a few things that I need to get off my chest.

Ever since I was younger, I was very, very suicidal. I've been going to therapy ever since, switching between therapists and getting put on meds. I've been diagnosed with anger issues and depression. School was very hard for me. I'd get into countless of fights, most of my teachers disliked me and I was bullied for being bigger than other girls. Which, of course, ruined my self-image and I had a hard time building it back up. I'm 17 now, gonna be 18 soon and I dropped out of school because of that. It was so fucking hard and my family decided that I should just take a year off to build up my art portfolio and rest before finally moving out. The root of my problems was my dad leaving, and prior to that being a very violent alcoholic. He abused my mom and it traumatized me. Then I began hating him once I grew older. When he left, me and my mom didn't have the best relationship either. I think I reminded her too much of him. We would constantly argue and I moved in with my grandma, who I dearly love. A few years of hard work, me and my mom somehow rebuilt our relationship and I'm glad for that, but I still chose to live with my grandma.

Being a goth girl, I always got fetishized by guys. Anyone I ever dated stayed with me for the trend, I guess. Like I said, I am bigger than other girls, so it was flattering to me at first that boys paid attention. But of course, they didn't care about anything else and would leave me soon. All of those relationships were very hard to mantain, and it made me even more depressed. Now, I'm single and the only person I talk to is my best friend.

We go to shows often, we have fun, and it's amazing. We both recently met a few guys at a show and everything seemed cool. My friend still talks to one of those guys, but of course, my situation was unfortunate. This dude immediately caught my eye. We exchanged social medias and hit it off pretty fast. I guess it were rose colored glasses for me, as I ignored all the red flags and got hurt even more. More than ever. It's been a few months and I'm still trying to recover. Basically, he tricked me and left me, like usual. Nothing I haven't been through before, but god damn, this one hurt really bad. Probably because not even my best friend could predict this, he seemed fine at first, and we had this friend group going on, just the four of us. But yeah, then he left and it all crumbled down.

I guess I feel some sort of jealousy towards my best friend. She's so beautiful, so charismatic, opposite of me. I'm just a wreck. I'm a loser. I love her company, we're like sisters. I'm still alive because of her. She's my whole life. I just feel...so hurt after the recent events. She's still enjoying company of the other guy, meanwhile I'm all alone when she's not around. She has other friends, too, and me...well, noone. Maybe it's selfish for me to be jealous, maybe it makes me a bad person, I don't know anymore. I just wish I wasn't like this. I want to be seen, I want to be talked to. Even at shows, when people come up to us, they usually talk to her and I just stand there like a complete loser. It hurts really bad. I don't understand what is wrong with me. It feels like I'm just transparent. When I ask people on why they don't talk to me, I usually just get the "Oh, you're very intimidating, haha". Which is fine, but I always try my best to be nice to people, especially ever since I got my anger issues somehow fixed. This whole thing spikes my suicidal thoughts again. Daily. I literally feel like a ghost. Nobody texts me, nobody talks to me, I just feel like a shell. I'm staying alive for my friend, because she's the only one who truly cares and we have our future planned. We're moving out this autumn, and there's not much left anymore, I just don't know how to survive these few months. My small town hated my guts, judged me, made fun of me, and I know that it will all be just an unpleasant memory when I move into another city. But it's hard now. I want to be alive, I'm curious to see where I'll end up. It's just hard. I'm overwhelmed with suicidal thoughts and jealousy. I'm jealous of other people. Of others who have a dad, who have a sagnificant other who loves them and takes care of them, who has more friends. I feel crushed. But I also feel selfish for feeling like this. There's a lot of emotions running through me and I don't even know what I feel anymore. It feels like my meds don't even work as well.

I'm not even sure if this makes sense. English isn't my first language and my thoughts are currently very scrambled. I hope you understand. I just want some advice.