Context: I’m 20f and I suspect I may have BPD, but I don’t currently have an FP (or at least not that I’ve noticed).

When I was younger I think I had one. My best friend was everything to me and I think I was quite clingy to her. I remember how betrayed I felt when she said everyone was her best friend because I thought we had some special bond or smth. We don’t rly talk much anymore - we are more acquaintances now but I won’t go into why cuz I doubt anyone cares for me to blabber about that and it’s not important for this post. But I will say my view of her even now chops and changes. Some days I feel like I was the reason for us not being friends because I am incapable of having friends, other days I’ll view her as the enemy for not understanding me and “leaving” me. 

Anyways it has been like that between since I was about 14. Then I transitioned to someone at my school (who I met when I was around 12 I think). We both liked very similar things, has a similar energy and sense of humour, talked about all sorts, etc. Once again I would have this underlying jealously when she would be with someone else because I thought we connected on a deeper level. But when we finished high school at 16, we slowly fell out of contact. 

Ever since then I’ve never had a connection like that with someone. The closest thing to it is someone I talk to on Instagram, but I don’t know if they’re an FP. I do still get attached to people and can be kinda clingy, but I don’t think I’ve got an FP. Just maybe 1 or 2 people I talk to online who I really like and am scared of losing ig.

Irl I don’t really have friends. I’m lucky to be invited out once or twice a year and usually that’s just as a plus one to my brother. I was talking to someone who was kinda the first person irl to not judge me for my struggles with mental health, but even though he said we were friends, I got scared and stopped messaging him. 

Then I recently met a girl who has diagnosed autism and ocd and those are both things I also maybe have, so initially I had this romanticised idea that we could bond and become good friends. But the way she texted seemed like everyone else, so I got worried that wage was like people I’ve been friends with before, asks she wouldn’t get me and it would end horribly. So again, I stopped messaging because I was afraid she’d see what I was actually like and reject me for being weird and intense.

TL;DR - Can you not have an FP for a long time while still having BPD?