I (20M) am in my second year of college. For nearly 5 years now, I’ve slowly had every meaningful relationship around me fall apart. First it was my parents, who for the past 5 years have tumultuously played around the idea of divorce; fighting, living separately, trying to make things work and then ultimately failing and always coming to me for support because neither of them have any friends. I tell them I can’t be their marriage counsellor or their therapist and that they need to look for outlets to manage the emotions that come with divorce and all I’m met with is (mainly from my mom) is that I’m a callous, cold-hearted piece of shit that doesn’t care about his family. A little over a year ago, I broke up with my now ex, we had been together for two years. She was my reason for staying in line. She hated drugs, every last one of them. She has a good head on her shoulders, knows how to take care of herself, knows what’s good for her and what isn’t. She was a seriously good influence in my life, and I loved her to death. She ended up falling out of love with me and stringing me along for the last 6 months of our relationship leaving me wondering what I did wrong or could have done differently. I’m close to hardly any of my friends from before college and am seriously struggling to find meaningful friendships in college. Coming to college I found some refuge in weed and alcohol but eventually had to recognise their destructiveness in combination with my horrible lack of self-control and emotional instability. So I cut those out. I’m in therapy, I’m trying my best in my classes but I just can’t cope. Everything I do that’s supposed to be good for me doesn’t work, or I can’t maintain it for more than a couple days. Every time I leave one distraction behind it’s like my brain punches me in the back of head and then drags me to another distraction and I’m just following its lead, feeling disoriented and directionless. For now I’ve settled on cutting and smoking cigarettes to help me get by, and I don’t even know how I rationalise that to myself. It just seemed to be the lesser of many evils, that would allow me to keep as much cognitive awareness as possible while still getting by with something. I have a bad feeling though, like this isn’t going to lead anywhere good. Maybe I’m just looking for the end of whatever fucked up road I’m on. Just gotta make it through this semester.