saturday night, when most people enjoy themselves and go out with friends or sth, i stayed at home all alone and cut myself again. my boyfriend didn't text me for an hour. latey, i've been splitting on him so i didn't think this would be a big deal. but it was. it might be because he was at some friend's house who i don't know. i didn't know who he was with and i also didn't know what they were doing. and he just didn't text me. either that triggered me or me being alone on a saturday night (cause i don't really have much friends and it bothers me so much.)

later, he texted me back and told me they were playing videogames. he could've at least told me when he left home and went to his friend's. and what they were gonna do (cause i get really triggered when he goes partying and shit). he normally does this but this time he didn't bother to. i was so mad and just went to sleep.
when i woke up, i was still angry and i texted him repeatedly on how fucking mad i was and how he was acting weird towards me (i thought he treated me differently because the last few weeks, i've been splitting on him and the last week, i decided to distance myself a bit so it will get better &amp; i won't have to lash out on him anymore). he told me i wss overreacting. no, i wasn't. i was triggered. i told him but he didn't take it seriously. so i told him "i'm just going to hurt myself again. maybe then you'll take me seriously". 
i gotta add: i know this is awful and sounds manipulative af. but i didn't just do it to make him feel bad or to get his attention. i was feeling horrible and was crying hysterically when i did it. that statement was more of a cry for help i think.

a few days ago, an urge to self harm overcame me. but i didn't to it. i didn't have a reason to do it. right before i took that nap, i also had the urge but i just went to sleep instead. later on, i couldn't help it anymore. it killed me how my bf was so ignorant and distant. he didn't even bother to text me back instantly. he should have. i was feeling terrible and he knew it.
i know it's not his fault. i did this to myself. but he could've handled it differently. maybe he could've prevented it. but still, i don't blame him. he does tho. he feels so guilty. he says it's all his fault. i agree that he should've taken me seriously but he isn't responsible for my coping mechanisms - i just want him to realise that.


thanks for reading all of this mess :') i just needed to vent - but feel free to comment