Hello bpd community, hoping some of you can offer me some input in the chaos that comes back full swing. I don’t have any friends or I would reach out to them. I can only see my therapist so often and our time is limited (also out of network so $$$, less visits than I need)...any input would help really. It’s hard for me at this point to separate what’s real/what’s not, what’s right/what’s wrong.

Along with BPD I have some other illness so as a girlfriend I understand I am not the easiest to deal with. I take 12 medications and am in pain half of the time, the other half I want to throw up. I know I’m not the most fun, and I know at a young age people don’t want to take care of someone they want to have fun. But I do have a lot to give despite my disabilities. 

My boyfriend and I have been together for a few months shy of a year. In the beginning I thought we were perfect. All of our interests seem to be the same. He accepted that I had mental problems. He trusted me. I loved him. We had great sex. We never argued. I believed him when he said I was beautiful. I felt smitten. I felt safe. 

A couple months passed and I began to see this abrasive, aggressive personality emerge from him. He drank everyday. It seemed his only emotions were content, anger and lust. My sexual desire dropped and his kept spiking. And it showed. This is when the interrogating started. Him looking through my phone. Him asking me everytime I was on my phone or an alert when off, he would ask who it was and what they said. If a notification was on my phone and I didn’t click it he would ask why I’m not opening it. If I’m not constantly texting him he will blow my phone up and ask why. I am expected to text him when I wake up as well. (He still does all of this currently)

I have never done anything dishonest or untrustworthy. He doesn’t even allow me to talk to anyone I have previously slept with or had a relationship with. All I do is work and come home and he’s home. If I’m not at either of those places I’m with my specialist or doctor. 

We argue all the time but he says it’s not arguing it’s just us trying to have a conversation and I get upset. But the things he says make me upset. They hurt me. I know my feelings are valid...at the same time he has held me when I cry. He has told me everything is going to be okay. He tried to work with my BPD, but without anyone to talk to or any opinions my mind has drifted. Is he helping or using my BPD against me? 

I go back and forth thinking is he helping or is he hurting? Am I hurting him by being with him? I can hardly kiss him. I shudder when he touches me. I don’t want to hurt him but I feel I am hurting everyday. I feel trapped. I feel scared to talk to him and he knows. Everytime I try and tell him what bothers me-little or small-it’s an ultimatum. (ex. He drives very fast and sometimes aggressive imo so my body will jerk. He asked why my body jerks. I have him an honest answer because he will badger me otherwise. His solution was “don’t worry you won’t have to ride in this car with me again”) but I have ridden in his car since obviously. And I get sick everytime. And I get migraines because he turns his music up almost all the way. He also gets mad I don’t say I love you “as often as he does”. He’ll say it aggressive/sarcastic and look at me like I offended him for not saying it at times he would like me to. How am I supposed to know when? 

Please just some opinions. Being alone in my mind is scary. And being with someone you’re scared to talk to...is also scary. 

