22f
i've had depression for about 8 year now
my dad died when i was 15 and i knew for a fact that he never truly loved me. i would pry for his affection or approval, but all he would do is give responses that made it obvious that he had completely given up on me to begin with.
my mom is at work all the time and the only time i see her is when she prepares meals for me. we don't talk even when that happens.
this leaves me all alone with my thoughts. i've been doing nothing since hs which was basically no school anyway since i couldn't get up to go, and i just basically lay in bed all day.

the fucked up part is that i often fantasize about someone kidnapping me and doing questionably violent/sexual things to me because i have a skewed vision of what love is. a hug feels like nothing to me anymore, just a person touching a person.
i've had a failed suicide attempt through pills but when i woke up with the worst headache on the planet, i woke up thinking that i want to feel love for once in my life before i die.
and i just cried on the floor for a bit before just laying in bed starving for yet another day.
will i ever escape this hellhole of a life? if i do find love, will i feel nothing because of my fucked up view of love?