I'm taking a decision about my career that will make my college years a bit easier as i will have time for other things too. i will have time to work out and learn about other things and have more passions while still theoretically having enough time to study. but thinking about finally feeling happy again just makes me feel worse and more depressed. how did i get so comfortable with feeling miserable? i might finally have time to do stuff i actually love and I'm convinced i love them, why doesn't my brain get excited at the thought of that? i might actually start to find some peace and enjoy simple things. and learning how to live by myself, accepting my responsibilities and not seeing them as the biggest crushing rock even tho i am aware they're not so big. for the first time in like 5 years *i see* that all of this is *possible.* yet, i can't stop thinking about dying or for something horrible to happen to me before i even get this opportunity. i don't have the energy to feel happy anymore, it seems too overwhelming. 

why has my brain convinced me feeling happy will hurt.