I just need to post something here because I don't want to dump how I'm feeling on one of my friends. This way it at least seems like someone is listening.

I'm not going to kill myself (I've tried in the past) but I moved on from those plans, and I don't think I'll self harm. As much as anything like self harming or something of that nature would most certainly deflect pain, although in an admittedly unhealthy way, it just seems like so much effort. I've self harmed before, but that was in what seemed like a more despairing bout of my depressive phases or perhaps a more detrimentally proactive phase of depression. 

I feel low, low as hell but somehow numb to all emotions at the same time. Everything is an effort. I have so much work I need to do, I've put on 4 stone in a year so I need to become active again. 

Anyway there's my small piece of self wallowing pity for today.