Not sure what's wrong with me. Depressed for sure, possibly bipolar2, maybe adhd. Undergoing diagnosis currently. Taking lamotrigine the last month or so, just got up to 100 mg. 

Feeling just ... nothing. Not really suicidal anymore. Kind of wish I were because it seems like it would be easier to be gone than to keep existing in this fog where nothing seems to matter. I have literally no one in my life I'm close to, no family, friends, or partner. Not even a pet. 

Had a check-in call this morning with my med prescriber, and it felt like she was just annoyed with me. I told her I stopped doing an online course because I lost interest (I always lose interest in things) and she kept pushing me -- "What would make you want to complete it?" Like, I know she's trying some kind of motivational interviewing but she just kept pushing with the same question. I said flat out, this is a longtime pattern with me, it always happens, and I never go back to things once I lose interest. She said I should work on changing that in therapy (which is supposed to start in a few weeks), and I need to be willing to change because that is the point of therapy.

I'm sure everything she said was true. But it just felt like she hated me, thought I was a waste of time, and didn't want to be talking to me at all. I'm probably doing some projecting and mind-reading here, but that's how it felt. She didn't show any empathy or validate how I'm feeling. Just told me to up my dosage in a couple weeks and let her know if I have any reactions to the meds.

It's really hard to want to make changes or to even carry on with regular mundane life when life is one big empty. I can't say "oh I want to get better for my kids" or anything like that. I can't even say I want to get better for myself because my entire existence seems pointless. I'm not a high value member of society, I don't make the world better, I just muddle along finding fleeting distraction in stuffing myself with junk food, watching endless Netflix, scrolling on Reddit, making impulsive purchases off Amazon, and playing games that I'm not even interested in.

Life is really nothing but waiting to die. And the more I think about it, the more it makes sense for me to quit my job and do nothing until my savings run out, and then ... do nothing for eternity.