I’ve been measuring my progress with BPD by how much it shows. But that’s the thing, I’m just acting then. I becoming a great actor, so it doesn’t show...but I still attempted to self harm, I still cry 4 times a day, I still don’t eat often. But my house is clean, and I smile, and I try not to split too loudly. I’m so fake with everyone because I’m scared it’ll be too much. And then I have these moments (like today) where I say FU*K IT. This is who I am! I don’t have an identity, I have many. I am malleable, I am ever changing. I am promiscuous, insecure, overly confident, depressed, motivated, sexy, wholesome, innocent, sweet, bratty. I am a forest fire, I wish I wasn’t. But it feels like I’m holding myself back more by pretending. I don’t even know what progress looks like with BPD. I’ve been sober for 3 years, but I replaced that with toxic relationships. And now that the toxic relationship is over, I feel myself drowning. I wake up with no purpose, drinking was my purpose and that’s unavailable. The toxic relationship was my purpose, now that’s unavailable. I’m talking to someone else romantically but they’re so healthy, they don’t give me the rush. I’m addicted to emotional turmoil. I have to be, I have to keep running, otherwise I fall into the emptiness. I need more coping mechanisms but I’m lacking stability. I search for stability in a controlling partner, who tells me what to do and how to live. It’s awful, and painful, but I can’t stop running from the demons but also chasing what I’ve lacked my whole life, unconditional love and structure.