I have lurked here under my main username but am posting with a new account to hide my tracks.  That's kind of how far I let my husband, who has been officially diagnosed as BPD, get into my head.

I will not make a generalization of everyone who has BPD, but I know that my BPD husband is emotionally abusive of me.  He preys on my compassion, taps into my forgiveness, and worst of all he exploits my guilt tendencies so that everything is my fault.  We have two kids together (ages 6 and 7), and I'm hoping that he is at least mature enough to grant me 50/50.  As abusive as he is towards me, he is usually fairly level-headed about our kids unless he gets drunk.

I need strength today.  My hands are shaking, I'm having a full-on panic attack.  I think I might vomit.  I am so unhappy in this cycle and I have tried everything to get it to work.  I've adhered to his strict schedules of when I need to be home, I've tried therapy together and apart, I've refused exciting opportunities to spend more time with him.  I just can't do it anymore.

I feel so selfish even though I know I'm doing what's best for me, for once.  We have been living separately since January when our therapist finally got through to me in a one-on-one session that he is emotionally abusing me.  I have avoided doing the legal separation because I'm afraid of him.  I am so afraid of how he will react, if he will let the kids come visit for their normally scheduled time, if I'm getting into a blood battle.  

I just want him to be happy, and he will never be happy with me.  Since we've been apart, he's started dating men and I'm honestly more than happy for him.  Maybe this change will fulfill something inside himself that I never could, and he will treat his new partners with more respect than he ever showed me.  All I know is that I'm panicking and I don't feel strong enough to do this even though I need to.  