The last few months have been a rollercoaster of emotions. I find myself swinging from feeling resentful and abandoned, feeling shame and regret, and feeling hopeful and empathetic. We all know these feelings, but this situation has been a real test. With this, there are a lot of reasons for someone ***without*** BPD to push for answers, try to find out if they did something wrong and/or force apologies on the other person, or think that the pain could go away for them and the other person if they just did \[something that may or may not be effective\]. But I'm not someone without BPD... and that's why I'm in this situation. 

I don't know if I'd be in this position if I didn't have a BPD diagnosis. Maybe it would have been okay if I hadn't struggled so much to feel safe, if I hadn't leaned on my FP so much, and if I hadn't been exposed to trauma. Or maybe, if I'd been diagnosed with ADHD and C-PTSD instead, someone looking for support while loving me wouldn't be met with advice to run, detach, fear the future, or question how real our love even is. Maybe that has nothing to do with what's happening.

I want answers so badly - to know if I could have prevented this or if it might get better. I want to know if I should feel ashamed because I deserved this, or angry because I didn't. I've been told I have to wait for these answers, and I don't know why. You know, it isn't easy to tolerate the stress of not knowing for months on end, wondering if they'll ever actually tell me, on top of having core abandonment wounds reopened. But I am, and without doing anything impulsive or self-destructive. I'm making it as productive as I can and working on getting better ***for myself.*** Because I may not know if the person I love thinks I deserve better than this, but I know I deserve to feel better than this. I'm working to prove that to *myself*.

When I see signs that this person is hurting too, I want to fix it. I want to do all the things I know would help them feel better and show them I'm here if they want my support. I want to prove that I love them for who they are, that I could understand, that I can forgive. I want to show them that if this is hurting them, they can stop. That it isn't saving either of us from the future they feared because that's not where I'm headed. I want to show them that I wasn't starting from square one with this - I just needed help getting over a hump to keep progressing. That I've already faced things that I didn't think I could even just a few months ago. But I'm not doing anything to show them, because I can't force them to look if they aren't ready. I can't decide what they need to see. I'm just continuing to face my own challenges and trusting that if it would actually make a difference to them, they'd be hoping that's what I choose to do. 

If someone is hurting because they assumed that I would get worse, I'm not responsible for proving them wrong so they can feel better. I'm responsible for taking care of myself and being more stable. I'm responsible for not giving myself so little credit, too. They can choose to see the challenges I'm up against or the person who is overcoming them. If they hope I still love them after they ran away, it's on them to turn around. I'm determined to be standing in a better place whether or not they do.