Hi all, I'm not sure where to go at the moment, so I'm seeking advice. I hope I don't violate any rules and I'm not posting to offend, I'm just really struggling at the moment and I would like advice on coping or if I should seek help, this is the only way ice found so far where I feel somewhat comfortable explaining how I'm feeling.  Again I hope this is okay to post here. And sorry if its too long.

Since about 14 I've noticed that I specifically bottle things up. I refuse to talk about my true thoughts and feelings. I'm now 18, and I'm really struggling. Something I admit and then later contradict when the brief bit of hope pushes me on. This is quite complicated I feel and the only way I can do this is to separate things into sections. I'm sorry if this isn't the right place to post this, it seemed like my best bet, as I won't let myself talk to my family, friends or professionals, which I will elaborate on later.

Firstly my anger. I've found that I get angry or frustrated with near enough any mess up. When ita other people it's mainly frustration which I bottle up to spare their feelings l, which the only people I spend time around being family and friends, normal people I find I have no feelings towards, I couldn't care less about their feelings, if they died or got hurt nothing, so most normal people I don't know well are blanked by my feelings. But when it comes to myself I hate myself, rip into and become overwhelmingly angry at myself to the point where I will in bad cases have headaches which used to last an hour but now will be a pulsing ache which will last entire days until I fall asleep and reset for the next day. I know ita not normal or good to get this angry and not talk about it but I find I physically won't let myself talk about these feelings directly to anyone, even if I can get a sentence out saying I'm so angry at myself, I find my mouth locks and I won't let myself tell them why or anything else, upon locking up I feel embarrassed and weak and useless. This is my first problem which I believe feeds into my next one.

My head and voices. Its nothing like different people or different voices its my voice or my words in my head. I never had this but after I turned 17 I began hating myself so much that throughout my entire day from the moment I wake up to until I fall asleep I would have voices and hat I refer to as "static" ,being so many thoughts my head will slightly hurt throughout the whole day, going through my head. The nicer side which I can deal and drown out with music and chewing gum oddly enough, is the static. When not drowned out however the static consists from everything I have to do that day, to everything I need to remember, even being exam dates etc and the darker sides being my death, me in pain, me injured and constant thoughts of how better off people would be without me. As I say, these can be somewhat drowned out and dealt with music and chewing gum, but the actual voices can't they will stay a constant problem throughout the day. The voices will never deviate to proud remarks, happiness in my self or anything positive, its always just my own voice telling me I'm weak, not good enough, stupid, dumb, I suck etc etc. When I'm angry at myself they will escalate into telling me im a problem, burden and issue to everyone around me, I should die, Im pathetic, ill never be good enough and at this point I will feel the urge to hurt myself, I've only done it a handful of times, I stop myself by managing to say I shouldn't and that if I do im giving in to the voices, the time I have done it the sight of mine or other blood calms me down, focuses me and gets rid of the voices for a little bit. These are an absolute no go, whereas before I could manage a sentence to someone I trust about my anger, I lock up completely in terms of the voices, I find myself in physical pain if I try and force myself to talk, the headaches get worse, I get very tired and my eyes get heavy, I feel sick as if I'm about to vomit and I ache in my legs as if I'm about to fall over.

These issues will often result in other problems, getting behind on school work, messing up a date and time or forgetting to do or get a certain thing. Which then triggers my anger, the voices get louder and the headaches spike, the static spike and I can't think easily. Yet I still bottle it all up, I refuse to tell my dad or brother or anyone I am related to as I think I'm weak, pathetic and useless and that I will be a burden that they will have to worry about which I don't want more than anything else, my family, girlfriend and close friends are the only reasons I haven't tried to kill myself, anytime I think about it I see all the pros but then realise I'd be upsetting and hurting my family and friends which stops me.

Finally stress, stress is a constant thing for me due to everything else, and has recently stopped me from sleeping well. This then emphasises all other problems as I'm tired and susceptible more so to everything else and find it hard to push on. Regarding my sleep I also find I don't wake up from nightmares anymore, recently I've had dreams of me dying, being stabbed, falling, being crushed, etc and I don't wake up even once I'm clearly dead, with the worst case being a dream where I was stabbed in the back multiple times, I didnt wake up until my dream naturally came to an end and once I woke up I could feel aches and sharp pains in all the places where I was stabbed. One site being my lower back, I can still feel it if I think back and remember the nightmare.

All these issues as I've said, I refuse to talk about to the point where is hurts me to try, this has lead to me faking being happy, smiling and being ok to everyone. I've done that sime it started when I was 14, and it has gotten so bad that I now don't know if I am ever 100% happy anymore, I don't know if its fake or not and that really concerns me as that coupled with my lack of emotion and empathy to anyone I don't like or don't know scares me a little, it makes me feel like I'm not human.

I believe I've covered pretty much everything, and if this feels a little rushed its because I am claiming up and locking down now even just typing this, so I'm sorry if some things don't come across as fully developed or explained, I just need advice, I expect most of it to be talk to someone and part of me wants to but then I lock down and feel embarrassed weak and like a failure. I'm just lost and don't know what to do.

To anyone that has read this, thank you. The idea of someone I don't even know reading this and potentially trying to help me makes me wanna cry, im really trying to open up with this, I've only ever laid this all out in my mind before so to read it has made things a little worse to be honest.

But thank you to anyone who reads this.