I'll start this by saying that i completely despise family dinners and things like that. I dislike them and cannot relax even when it happens with people whose company i enjoy. Now add to that very judgemental, bigoted, close minded people + my BPD and social anxiety and you have a fully blown shit fest.

That said, i tried to support my bf and be with him when he goes over to his parents. And obviously every fking time im there i have to receive some weird ass questions about my life (eg. I've been criticised for having a job, or for my dad being retired while my mom is still employed - cause that's "against nature"). Well this time, I was questioned about my parents' ages. And ffs I know when they were born, when they had me and i can do math, but while trying to calculate on the spot I got a bit thrown back by how time passed and their actual ages, so i started stuttering and basically couldn't figure out the math. So they kept pushing and also insisting on why did they have me so late in their lives (cause thats the main issue here, why are my bf and I between 25-30 and not already have like 5 kids). And now i feel like a fucking dumbass for failing at basic math, or not knowing my parents ages, even though I know that under normal circumstances I wouldve known both. 

So, end of the story is, as usual after "family dinners" they go on laughing and judging me, while I can go on hating myself and wanting to hurt myself out of shame of what i did/said. I know i shouldnt care about them, but fuck I just hate social gatherings like these for this particular reason. They are always a means for some shit people to judge and analyise what their "lesser" family members have been up to. And im sorry for whining about such a small shit, but I just do not understand why these type of gatherings, which cause me so much hurt, are mandatory. Because even the people who care about me, can't fully relate so they just go like "of just put up.with it for a couple of hours and get it done". But thats the thing, it's not done afterwards for me. Im left in tears about millions of small details. And I'm like that even after my own family's gatherings, where I know they love me and really dont care, let alone his, where im always looked down upon and judged for various reasons (mostly for being a woman who works and wants to enjoy life until actually starting a family). 

I'm so sorry this is so long. Merry Christmas everyone! Xmas hugs!