Life feels so dead, I feel dead and I can’t do anything about it. I’m a 20 y/o male and I’m completely fucked up mentally, I’m pretty sure I had ADHD and the last 3-4 years I’m 100% I have depression, MDD specifically and at times I felt like I had DPDR but I think they were just caused from my depression also they were just episodes not chronic.

I study medicine and I was a religious man but now I don’t study nor pray, I was addicted to porn which I was always trying to quit and I always felt guilty about it but now the guilt is gone, the addiction is gone and the pleasure as well is gone.

My grades are taking a massive hit, I’m suicidal and I self harm but not too much (religion is holding me back that’s all)

For my ADHD I was given an iPad in my 7th grade and I grew up with it, always on it, wether it be playing games, studying, or even researching stuff which I always loved to do. 
So I guess ADHD fucked up my memory but not my concentration since I used to hyper focus when I felt very passionate about something E.g. physics.

With my depression I’ve lost my brain completely, I can’t focus on shit, I can’t remember shit, I always need guidance.I’m a mess.

I was always a people pleaser, perfectionist, over-ambitious and keeping good appearances is always important to me, that’s why I’ve learned how to lie to others and act normal socially when I’m not mentally. Which is called “smiling depression”.

I can’t see a therapist because of the views of my community and the people around me towards therapy, I might just go see a psychiatrist once and that’s it, but most importantly….
I need your help. Please.


These are some of my symptoms which I recall now: 

-My concentration is almost nonexistent, my mind always wanders around.

-My memory is extremely bad.

-Ive lost all feelings, I just feel hollow and empty inside.

-Lost all pleasure wether it be from hobbies,religion,arousal/sexual, and science(which I enjoyed a ton before I died inside)

-Time is very confusing for me, I’m always not sure wether I did something yesterday or the day before or last week or maybe it’s been months?