(f18) i’ve always thought people with mental illness were the most kind and empathetic because they know how it feels to suffer. i was like that a couple years into my depression, but over time, i’ve become bitter, irritated and apathetic. i hate it. it makes me feel worse about myself than i ever have in my life. i feel like it’s because i’m so deeply unhappy that i’m just shut off to peoples problems most of the time and i can’t figure out how to fix it. i try to improve my mental illness by trying to replace bad thought patterns, going to the gym, reading, eating better, having goals in life, but at the end of the night when i’m laying in bed, i’m always just so sad and hopeless. i’ve lost faith in people almost entirely and all my friendships are strained. i’ve gained 40 pounds in a year after a bad “break up” after i’d finally lost weight successfully and healthily and i am in a bad place financially. every time something good happens or i make a good decision, something bad ALWAYS happens. i’ve learned to expect it. thats probably a problem in itself and i know i should try to think more positively, but it feels like there’s nothing positive to think about. the world feels so grey and time moves faster than i can cope with. i know i’m young and technically haven’t truly lived, but my life from the age of 6 has truly just felt like torture. i feels like i’ve never just had a minute to breathe. everything just makes me want to crawl in my bed under my blankets and just sleep forever. i’m not entirely sure why i’m posting this, i don’t have many people to talk to i guess. id like to hear from anyone who has advice, or from anyone who’s felt/is feeling similar and has some tips.