I feel so sick and sad lately, and I think I've been trying to downplay it. It's been almost three years since I got out of the mental hospital, and I have been so proud of myself for getting better that I think I've been afraid to admit that I might be getting bad again.

I was fired for my job for reasons related to my depression, which I knew I may have been relapsing. I was doing my best, seeing my doctor, adjusting my medication... but they fired me. And for the last three months, I've been unemployed. I have no income, no job, and nothing to do but sit around my house and wait for my friends to get done work or school.

I live with my mother, and we don't have a good relationship. She stresses me out and constantly criticizes me, especially my weight. It doesn't help that I don't feel like I've been able to do anything for myself, I can't even afford to put gas in my car. My friends insist on paying for me to go out with them so I actually get out and do things.

Lately, I haven't had the motivation to do anything but sit around and play video games and that even seems tiring these days. My boyfriend and I just had our first big fight earlier tonight, and I think it just broke me. I've been crying for hours. I think I'm realizing how sick I've really been.

I haven't done laundry in weeks. I've been going a few days without showering.

I see my psychiatrist tomorrow night, but I feel so gross and sad and I can't sleep right anymore. I'm hurting. And nobody is awake for me to talk to, so I just... I needed to say this I guess.