I'm literally sitting here crying about this while I'm sitting here writing this I'm kind of in meltdown mode I feel like a fucking nuclear reactor. Bare with me ig.

I just moved into college but I'm literally super fucking upset about it right now my life has gotten so much better since I've gotten out of my parents' house and was able to come out to people (I'm gender fluid and pan/demisexual) without being deathly afraid of being outed to my parents or having to reintroduce myself to fuckers at my school but I'm... I was having such a fucking amazing time the last couple days being on my own escaping but I feel so fucking alone right now because I know I am going to fucking destroy any and all relationships I try to form with anyone here on campus. I open up to them and it slowly gets toxic. I abused everyone I ever actually loved. The love of my life hates may guts because of how much I fucking hurt her. 

This is honestly the worst the brain fog shit has gotten since I've been here. I'm just,,, so out of it I just keep reliving the same abusive behavior I was subjected and subjected others to. Getting lost in all of it. Just getting lost in my own head and I can't fucking get out of it it's fucking awful. I only really got my diagnosis \*BECAUSE\* of all of the awful shit my friends and loved ones were put through and being confronted with all of it at once. I know that I've been a bit more stable since I moved here but I've been so anxious and depressed despite things getting better and me getting better for a little bit. I can't fucking do this anymore. This is the first time the entire time I've been here that I've genuinely just wished I was fucking dead.

I don't know.