As someone with complex trauma that they endured throughout childhood, I have developed all sorts of severe ptsd and bpd symptoms. I have been in and out of therapy for years. I never let myself handle the deep stuff that causes most of my symptoms. 

I have been numbing myself with pot for a long time. Sometimes I dabble with pills like addy or xanax. I do this when I can't handle the feelings that are coming to the surface. I do not have a very supportive family, but I do have supportive friends. 

I want to get better, I want to put in the work, I just shut down when it comes to handling the heavy stuff. I endured close to 10 years of molestation by a family member and just find it so hard to verbally talk the deep stuff out. My therapist and I are building up to EMDR but in order to do that I need to make a list of my abuse stories. I can't even do that. 

What are some suggestions on how to finally get myself to that point?