i feel so crazy and annoying right now that i need to get this off my chest. any type of validation will be helpful or any insight to how she took it would help. 

basically i have been seeing this girl for about a month now. we are basically dating just don’t have the “girlfriends” title. we are in college and live on campus so we spend a lot of time together. yesterday i had a slight breakdown in front of her and one of our other friends. not really a breakdown i just got extremely anxious and didn’t know what to say. i texted her after i left and explained to her what happened and this is what she said ; *It’s okay I wish u were more comfortable just saying that but I get it 😓 I feel like we should do something alone again this week nothing extravagant I just want time with u apart from the friends*

i showed a few friends of mine and they think that’s an amazing message and that it means she really wants to spend time with me alone apart from just with our friends. which makes sense. but at first i was like oh she sees what happens to me in social settings and is pitying me so she’s offering that we hangout alone. 

Anyway so i was like ok well i’ll ask her to hangout today. So i text her asking if she’d like to come to my room later on and she texts back and says “Not tonight :( I have a lot of work and errands to run and then was gonna have a self care night 💔” and it absolutely sent me crazy. she’s never directly said “no” to us hanging out so i feel like she just hates me or that she thinks i’m annoying for asking to to hangout so soon. i also think of things in a different way like even if i had a million things to do, errands to run and she asked me to hangout i would without a doubt say yea. even if i was drowning in work. i’m not sure why i would say yes. maybe because i have no self control and because i really like her and want to be around her all the time. i also would say yes because i wouldn’t want her to feel the way i do right now if i had said no. even though she probably wouldn’t feel insane if i said No because she has a standard functioning non bpd brain unlike me. it’s all just a big cluster fuck and i feel like crying. im just upset because why did she say no? i wouldn’t say no even if i had a bunch of stuff to do. but again, i hVe a crazy brain. 

one thing though, im starting therapy up again on thursday and im trying to get a hold on this mental illness.