I don't know if this is okay to post here...I'm new to this sub. I'm  also "new" to bpd. I haven't been officially diagnosed, but it was brought up by one of my first therapists a few years ago and swept under the rug because I wasn't honest about my impulsivity &amp; destructive tendencies. 
But last night I had a really intense anxiety mood swing/panic attack/dissociative episode and I ended up self harming for the first time in 3 years. I'm just feeling really lost and confused right now and don't know who to talk to.

I had a "fight" with my SO last night. I'm also chronically ill and the last six~ months have been hellish. I don't want to go into too much detail but our relationship has been strained already and every little argument makes me feel like I'm two minutes away from losing the love of my life. We had (really great!) sex last night and then almost immediately afterwards I started feeling really anxious and insecure and I started thinking about babies?? Which was bizarre anyway, but I'm not ready to have kids...and won't be for a very long time, if ever. I don't even know if I can carry a pregnancy to term bc of my illnesses. But I started becoming obsessed about the thought of having a kid with my SO and I even asked him if he wanted to have a kid one day, even though I knew his answer (we've talked about this before we moved in together). He said no, probably not (again-- which I knew) but it caused me to go into this crazy dissociative state. I had a panic attack. I cut myself after 3 years clean and didn't even realize what I had done until he came into the room and stopped me. 

I just felt so out of control last night and so insane. And now I feel guilty for keeping my SO awake last night (he only got 3 hours of sleep before work) and ashamed that not only did I cut again but that he saw it too. I really just need to talk to him but he's still at work. I don't really feel safe being home alone for 5 more hours. I'm scared that I'll dissociate like that again. I'm calling my therapist (second one this year...I have such a hard time finding someone I feel comfortable talking to) to see if I can get in sooner rather than later.
