i dont know where to start my mind is constantly thinking thousands of things at once or completely contradicting itself where i’ll be split between two polar opposite feelings at once not knowing what to decide on which leaves me with nothing almost a “limbo” feeling.
i feel like i’ll never be able to love someone and i question if the intense love i do feel/felt for my ex boyfriend/current partner is even true i feel like i fake almost everything i feel even the fact i have this disorder. 
i try to treat everyone im with with respect and never mistreat them anytime i feel like im “splitting” i keep it silent but unintentionally i become more distant yet reassure them that everything between us is alright while not truly knowing and thinking in my head “i do not even want to be with him”.
i have always been the first to run in everyone i’ve been with i sell them a dream try to be the best in everything so they have no reason to abandon me spoil them with gifts affection love freedom to do what they want with whoever n believe it’s love “soulmate” ive heard time and time again then abandon them before they can me. when i get the feeling of “you need to focus on yourself” or “you dont really love them” sometimes my emotions can be so intense i feel it physically but when i shut them off i feel nothing i sobbed over my ex for 2 days before i broke up with him haven’t cared since. 
i dont understand it i feel like i just get people to fall inlove with me n leave ? does anyone else feel similar or been through similar ? i hate it more then anything in the world.