I’ve thought about this question since September of this year. Ever since the pandemic started, I noticed a increasing decline in motivation, and not just for academics, but also in my personal life too. And at the same time I have also been feeling more lonely, I know I have family but I feel empty. I can’t still smile and laugh, just not as much as before. I question if anyone cares about me.

But I was able to ignore those feelings by drowning them out by playing video games, and I played them to the point where I’ve become addicted to video games. My health only made things worse as I was borderline obese. I slept late at night, began taking longer showers that were at least over an hour. I did poorly in college as a result. And when I tried to look for a job, I was rejected. 8 times, 8 times. And I continued in the same cycle until July 2021, when I decided to take to a college mental health counselor, I gave what I could and she said I had some sort of depression(I don’t remember if she specified). I went to a doctor and he said he agreed but directed me to their mental health services.

Then the worse came to pass, my families medical insurance was cut. Meaning I had to cancel all appointments as we didn’t do too well in terms of money. I began to get bored of the games I played. We still don’t have health insurance. I tried looking for a job but the result was the same. I began to lash out more often, mostly at my own mother.

I’m even considering joining the armed forces just so I can have health insurance and pull my life together, but my parents disagree. 

There was this[video](https://youtu.be/CBWdwDTn4vE)(skip to 46:02), it said something that has stuck with me since it was released. But now I’m starting to question it. I haven’t thought of suicide yet but god am I lonely and lost.

I’m genuinely scared that I’m going to be all alone, broken, as a failure. I’m scared that I’m becoming into some I don’t want to be. 

I hate this pandemic and I hate myself even more.