(CW for mentions of suicide and emotional abuse)

i just lost my boyfriend, the only person who ever truly loved and cared about me. this just keeps happening to me. i don't know how to stop it. i keep trying to get help but it only makes it worse!! and nobody believes me when i say its so hard to get help for bpd!! i know thats not an excuse for me to be a shitty person. ive hurt people time and time again. but i know this isn't who i really am. i swear it feels like my bpd doesn't want me to get help and will fight tooth and nail to make sure i stay miserable for the rest of my life.

i met my boyfriend when we were kids but we lost contact in high school. he happened to find me again after learning that i had a very bad falling out with a friend at the time. this friend made it very public how much i hurt them and all of their friends came after me telling me how shitty i am and that i should kill myself, after i had just attempted. my boyfriend felt sympathy for me and helped me recover from the trauma. he was patient and kind and really loved me. he gave me everything he had.

but it wasnt enough for me. i just kept taking and taking and taking. i used him as a therapist. he was the only person i had to talk to. i saw numerous therapists throughout the time we were together and none of them worked. a lot of them told me things that only made me feel worse about myself. i was put on medication that made me even more suicidal and impulsive. i had an outburst while on this medication that really broke him. i told him that he should kill himself, all because he cared about me enough to call the police on me while i was self harming and planning to kill myself. i apologized numerous times but i knew it still stuck with him and he still felt hurt, regardless of whether it was my true feelings or not.

as of a few days ago, he told me that he does not see a future with me. he still loves and cares about me, but he cant be with me. and he was afraid to tell me because he knows im suicidal. and of course, i respond in the worst way possible, by treatening and then attempting suicide. why??? he tried his best to comfort me and let me know there were no hard feelings. but i still had a complete meltdown as if the world was ending. in my right mind i know that this is wrong and manipulative. i dont want to be the abuser. im tired of always being labeled a manipulator. and yet i prove that ive never changed! now hes blocked me everywhere after telling me i need to go to a mental hospital. those were his last words to me. ive been to a mental hospital before and it was so traumatic. they do NOT help. they misdiagnosed me with bipolar and gave me a whole ton of pills that only triggered another suicidal episode.

im all alone now and i dont know what to do. im sorry if this is incoherent. i want to fix myself but i dont know how. ive tried medication. ive tried dbt numerous times and it never fucking helps. its too late now anyway. i cant get him back. if i had gotten help before maybe this wouldnt have happened. but it just keeps happening. every relationship ive been in has ended exactly. like. this. when does it end. why cant i be helped. i feel like a lost cause. please help me