So, I feel my antidepressant are helping for my depression. I’m able to get up and do the tiniest of things I did not have the motivation for before. I’m even slightly more upbeat on a day to day. However, I still feel like I want to die and not be here. Not because I’m necessarily actively suicidal like beforehand but because I don’t know, I just don’t. I don’t see the point, I don’t enjoy life like other people. I hate the thought of having to go through pain and hardship just to die anyways. 

I also never know if I’m faking or dramatising my BPD symptoms or if I even have it. I’ve been partially diagnosed by several people saying ‘we think you may have this, search up on it, but not too much because of the stigma’ blablabla. But, I’ve never seen a psychiatrist to actually be diagnosed officially. So, I just end up feeling like I’m faking it all or that it’s actually not that bad etc.