How did you do it without wanting to kill yourself? Or if you did, how did you make it through regardless?

I've been trying to quit vaping for about 3 years now and I haven't been able to make it through successfully without turning back to nicotine to cope. The depressive episodes triggered by the withdrawals are too much to handle and become really scary, particularly as I live alone and have a history of self-harm already. 

I want to quit so badly but it plays tricks on my brain and makes me act out. Since quitting 2 days ago I've already cried in front of three co-workers, slept with an ex and broken off things with the guy I was seeing atm and really liked. It's probably the withdrawals talking but I just feel like if I quit nicotine and I don't have that there as a way to regulate my emotions that I will be totally fucked. I worry that this feeling won't pass and I will feel empty forever without it. 

Any advice would be really appreciated. I obviously do not want to die, but I want to right now if that makes sense. It is really isolating feeling like I can't talk to anyone about my suicidal thoughts (intrusive and existential mostly) because it will put pressure on them and scare them and make them feel bad or worried and I don't want to be a burden as everyone is already dealing with their own stuff but I am very lonely and sad and scared and I don't know what to do so what's up reddit?