I’ve been panicking since Tuesday.  It started with a sleepless Monday night.  I’m so tired and I feel awful.  Icy waves and horrible thoughts.  I’ve barely been able to eat, most days nothing.  My husband is so worried and doesn’t know how to help.  I feel terrible that I’m the cause for his worry.  I have to keep my mind busy and focused, counting and focusing on the numbers or my mind will go straight back to the panic.  I’m so tired.  Even a few seconds of not yelling over it in my head and it come rushing back.  

We want to have kids.  I’m 36 now and scared that because of my anxiety I won’t be able to do that for him.  I clearly have to go back on medication...is it even safe to be pregnant on it? I’m so scared, I feel a potential doom in my future.  Logically I know my brain is making things up.  Imagining the worst possible future.  But I can’t handle it right now.  I feel like a failure.  How can I have kids if I’m like this.  What future do I have if this is how I am without heavy medication.  

I finally found a therapist with an opening.  Seeing her next week but it feels so far away.  I saw one before and had a really hard time opening up.  I need help.