I've been diagnosed with severe depression since I was 16 after my mom died fighting  cancer for 10 years. I saw her deteriorate slowly on front of my eyes and now that I'm 24 I realized that I don't remember her advice. I've been lazing around life for 8 years now and I ended up being in a on-again off-again relationship with my first girlfriend that completely destroyed my self esteem. Along with that I ended up never finishing my bachelor's because I just stayed in bed every day of my life. I wasn't even studying anything I'd like it was just something to say that I was at least doing *something*. Then I got a job selling ice cream and its roughly 2 years now and I thought things were going alright. I had another failed relationship but it didn't destroy me like my last one and I've gained real friends, friends I love and cherish deeply. But they moved on. They moved far away and I know they're a phone call away but I just can't bring myself to do it. But I found someone else and It was the .out stable thing I've ever had. I felt loved, listened to and even though she didn't immediately understand my interests she still helped me out in them and even gave her input. But just today she said she wanted to be free. To be her own woman and I feel like it was caused by my recent depressive episode. She also mentioned something about thinking we were meant to be walking different paths ever since I mentioned that I might be Non-Binary. Maybe I'm just being too selfish and not seeing that maybe I'm dragging her down but I feel like this is very unfair and painful. I was finally feeling better and this happened. She said she loved me even through my depression and my anxieties and I felt so safe. Maybe there were signs but in my self centered-ness I didn't see them. I was really trying to be a better boyfriend, a better person even and it really feels for naught. I start overthinking and go into these places where I know it's bad to go. I assume things to the point where I need to actively assert the opposite in order to reach a level head. Maybe this is why but I always kept those thoughts to myself. Then on that same hour I hear that the position for assistant manager that I was gunning for got canned. I feel so trapped right now financially and emotionally to the point where I'm too damn tired to give out anymore resumes. I've only slept 3 to 4 hours on average for a few months now and this month it's cut down to 1 or 2 and it's taking its toll. None of my meds work and I dont want to get up and go to my psych and ask for a med change for the hundredth time. I miss my friends man. I miss my girlfriend. I miss my mom.