\*Alternate Tags - Fuck my Life/Venting\*

TL:DR - Everything is bloody awful and nothing will change for me. 

&amp;#x200B;

Inbetween work being incredibly stressful, everything in the world being screwy, my car being stolen yesterday (while I have a courtasy car, now I am panicking that that will be stolen too), the fact I am now quite oversized due to massive amounts of stress eating/drinking (of coke/pepsi) and various physical issues unrelated to my ever deteriorating mental state... Yeah, doesn't seem like much is going right at the moment. My concentration is all over the place. I have the memory span of a goldfish with alzheimers, and my moods are up and down like a kangeroo on a trampoline. One minute I am angry and sending unprofessional emails around the workplace, the next I am sad and cutting myself off from everyone, the next I am the closest thing to happy I can be, then finally in a world of my own for a little while before the cycle starts all over again in a slightly different order.

&amp;#x200B;

All I can do is Eat, Drink, Sleep, Record the odd video while pretending everything is normal, play video games and try to stave off the call of the void (so to speak) for another day. Where it not for my family I probably would have given in already.

&amp;#x200B;

I just wish I was actually in the stories I want to write but can't. I mean sure everything is screwy there as well, but the Main Character at least has the power to deal with the issues at hand. Nothing I can do in real life. I am a human, limited by a broken mind and a weak , horrific looking body. And yet I can't scream. Can't cry. Can't go to anyone for anything from affection to a simple chat. The NHS won't help. Even before COVID they didn't, definately aren't going to now...

&amp;#x200B;

There are a lot of things I want to do, but I shouldn't (and hopefully won't), because they are silly/unrealistic ideas and are only going to end up hurting me or (in less cases than the former) other people. I'm not going to go into detail as a couple of them would break the rules as I understand them, assuming this whole post doesn't and actually makes it to the page.

&amp;#x200B;

That's the end of my overly dramatic rant... I suppose that's life with untreated BPD, such as it is.