Every year I go into a 3-4 month breakdown starting late April/early May. Mother’s Day in May, her birthday in June and her passing in July. My mom passed away 14 years ago and it’s affected me so much ever since. Of course BPD makes every emotion so much more difficult to handle. Last year I’m assuming with my pregnancy hormones + BPD led me to impulsively drove 14 hours to my hometown to visit my moms grave on Mother’s Day weekend. It caused my marriage to fail.. we aren’t divorced but separated. I wasn’t aware that I was pregnant at the time. Fast forward a year later I’m a mom to a beautiful baby girl. A single mom doing it all on my own, yet, I have felt like such a failure. I feel like because of me she won’t have both parents. Her father is absent. I’m in constant fear that she will also grow up to have abandonment issues and mental health issues. This whole week I’ve being everything in my will power to distract myself.. last weekend I drove 5 hours to go visit my cousin who just got married and moved into her first apartment. This week I bought over $700 of baby formula because the shortage had me incredibly worried. Yesterday I got invited to go out bowling, so I decided to go with my daughter and a friend. Right before arriving at the bowling alley my father calls me and asks me where I’m at. I tell him and he goes off on a rant how I’m such a terrible mother for taking my daughter everywhere with me. How I’m putting her life in danger, etc. I lost it. I lost it so bad. I cried for 3 hours. I started punched myself repeatedly. Now today, I’ve cried several times throughout the day. I just wanted this Mother’s Day to be better. I’m not stuck at home bawling my eyes out and don’t have the strength to get out of bed and get ready. I feel like it’ll never get better.