Many of you will be familiar with the tornado of thoughts. Mine includes things from the past that I’ll never be able to forgive myself for, things I’ve done that have hurt others I love, intense guilt and shame. 

It leads to me accepting that some people survive this and make it but I won’t. I see it as acceptance of the inevitable because every single action and event no longer matters. A good laugh with my partner, that meal I really enjoyed today, that thing I bought that made me feel accomplished - it’s all false reality if it’ll all be gone one day. 

There is a lot of pain I deserve so it’s just a waiting game at this point. I should just accept that right? All of it. 

It sounds so dumb to say all of it out loud but the feeling is real - that constant internal screaming. 

For those that make it, I’m proud of you. 

I’m not asking for any sympathy pr validation here but wanted to write that I’m scared of accepting true reality and not this false one. It terrifies but I get it. In some way, writing it out and reflecting on that makes it feel better that I can accept.