After living in a shelter in NY for 5 months, I completely lost my sense of self, ambition, personality, and social life. I lost my job and had been in isolation for the majority of those months looking for a job. If I had to describe that experience it’d be “soul-snatching.” I stopped hanging out with people I called “friends”, gradually stopped working on photography, and lost all motivation to do anything. I’d wake up every morning wanting to die and I couldn’t wait to go to sleep at night. 

During that time, I started trying to rekindle my relationship with my mom, she had assaulted me in the summertime and that’s what ultimately landed me in a shelter since I had no where to go. Things seem better, we haven’t fought. She moved into a new house in NJ and told me I could come back if I needed to. Ironically enough after being unemployed for 4 months I end up getting a job in NJ. Since I’ve been back my mom has been suggesting I go back to college, but I have no idea what I even want to do with my life. 

In my last post I had mentioned feeling depressed about not having a job and living in a shelter, fast forward to now - I have a job that consumes the majority of my time during the week (Monday - Friday 10am to 6:30pm). I get home and don’t even feel like doing anything, I basically eat, shower, and watch tv or get on my phone till I go to bed. I keep having suicidal thoughts because I feel like I’m not going to be successful or be able to take care of myself. Im taking Bupropian and speak to my psychiatrist about this but he says I’m just thinking about things that aren’t remotely close to my reality or outcome. I feel like it’s me being scared of becoming homeless again. 

Living back in NJ leads me to not going anywhere, and the only person I spend time with is my mom now. 
I don’t feel attractive anymore, or like I’m worthy of anything. Obviously this is negative thinking, but I’m at a loss I don’t know what to do anymore.