I had a best friend for many years who has BPD and I could really use some help with processing the end of our relationship. 

For background, we were best friends all throughout high school, and kind of bonded over being angsty/disliking high school. It was definitely a codependent friendship, and I actually became fairly isolated because she was very critical of others and I felt judged for hanging out with most other people.  She also cheated on her boyfriend frequently which put me in a position of having to lie to others on her behalf. At that point in my life I was very much so a people pleaser and I had no boundaries. Despite all of this we were very close, and I loved her a lot. 

Things seemed to change when I got into my first more serious long-term relationship.  I would still call her and check in on her often (we lived in different states), but there was definitely a weird tension between us. Over time, when I would reach out she would ghost me for long periods. At one point I was supposed to visit her and a week before the trip she completely ghosted me for months. It made me incredibly anxious, and I found out through social media she was still in touch with other friends. She finally reached out and said she was "too anxious about me visiting" or something along those lines, apologized, promised it wouldn't happen, etc. This cycle continued for about two years. I know at this time that she and her boyfriend were VERY into coke. I don't have enough information to say it was an addiction, but she definitely had addictive tendencies.

All this time, I had begun therapy and gained awareness about my codependency, people-pleasing, and lack of boundaries. After a series of ghosting, and her not really ever checking up on me, she asked for a favor, and I wasn't able to complete it because of things going on in my personal life. I think it was one of the first times I had actually set a boundary with her. She said "It's totally fine! :)" and then texted a few weeks later that she was extremely hurt I didn't complete the favor, that I was robotic/cold, and she's not interested in a friendship that is so coldhearted. I went into people-pleasing overdrive and apologized profusely... but in a few weeks &amp; with the help of my therapist I realized how toxic that interaction &amp; our entire dynamic was. It was a wake-up call for me and I stopped trying so hard to make the friendship work. 

Fast-forward about a year, we've spoken casually via text  maybe 1-2x, and she asks if we can meet in person. I told her up front that I would have to think about it, because she had flaked on plans consistently over the past few years &amp; I was no longer willing to put myself in a position to be disappointed again. She responded something like "oh well I was recently sexually assaulted, but ok lol" . At that point I felt backed into a corner and I agreed to meet. (I do believe she was actually sexually assaulted, still manipulative behavior). 

Our meeting consisted of her apologizing for her behavior, and then crying and saying she felt like I never liked her throughout our entire friendship, and that she never knew what "real friendship" was supposed to feel like until she got a new group of friends in college. This is interesting because she ALWAYS compared me to her childhood friend group in HS, basically talking about how amazing and wonderful they were which made me feel like I'd never live up to those expectations... however somehow these college friends were suddenly the "only" good friends she ever had.  Almost like everyone, except me, is an amazing friend. She also kind of projected her mental health issues and said that "we have similar mental illness". The meeting kind of ended on us starting from a "clean slate" but again after I left her presence and was able to reflect I realized how much gaslighting and lack of accountability had actually happened, and I felt like shit. A few months later she blocked me on everything. 

Writing all of this out, I can see how toxic it is. Yet, on some level I STILL believe all the things she said about me being a bad friend, etc. I've struggled to make new friends who aren't addicts/toxic &amp; she seems to have no trouble at all finding and maintaining friendships with cool people. Granted, much of this is what she reports to me and based off social media, but it really does seem like she has a solid friend group while I am still struggling to trust/find people after our chaotic friendship. I guess, how do I not take everything she told me about myself to be true? Is it possible I am actually the toxic one and deserved all of this? I like to think I am self-aware but this friendship really, really fucked up my sense of self and reality.