I’ve really been struggling with my mental health this year. I’ve always had struggles when it came to mental illness (BPD, depression, anxiety), but this year has been especially tough for me, as I’m sure it has for most people.

The past few years I have spent an excessive amount of time going to bars and getting drunk. My best friend and I almost always end up having a falling-out while we’re drunk. Sometimes it’s my fault and sometimes it’s just a misunderstanding between us. (It’s hard to communicate properly when you’re black out drunk) We always end up sobering up and making amends days or so later. No matter how “okay” we are in the weeks following, history always seems to repeat itself.

We had a fight again last night and today I am just left with the reoccurring thought that I want to be done with this lifestyle. The only way I feel I can escape it completely is to just cut everyone off and start over.

I’m just so terrified of being alone but I know in the end it would ultimately be better for me. I have no room for improving myself if I continue to get blackout drunk and make a fool of myself. I care about my friend but I don’t think our friendship is doing either of us any good right now. As for my other “friends”, they are all basically people I run into at the bar and get drunk with. They don’t really care to see me or check in otherwise, so what’s the point in even having them around?

So, have any of you ever had to cut everyone off in order to better yourself? How hard was it for you to deal with the loneliness and boredom? I have BPD so with silence comes extreme emptiness and I just want to learn to love being by myself, because it’s just what I need right now. Any words or advice would be appreciated.