I have a good life on paper. Good finances. Good job. Good prospects. As I get older, it seems to me that living the way we were supposed to live only brought severe unhappiness. It seems that people in the most unideal circumstances are still happier than I am, have more friends and more experiences. I’m stuck at home, alone and depressed, desperately searching for an outlet to relieve my severe boredom and frustration. 

I’ve gone through a string of hookups, but I’ve still never found a boyfriend. I still allow my abuser to be in my life and every chance he gets to tell me that I’m not special, he takes. I’ve turned into an emotional abuser in turn, infuriated with him that he has strung me along for almost a decade only to laugh at my feelings. He’s stronger than I am emotionally. I’m punished for voicing how betrayed I feel by him.

I don’t see things turning up. I’m losing motivation. I lay all day in bed and masturbate. I’ve never felt so hopeless before.