I always stuff every hard emotion inside of me. Been doing that all my life now, I never let it out, never resolve any issues, nothing. And it always comes back as soon as I struggle and overthrows me regularly. There is stuff in that wave from when I was 7. And when all this emotional turmoil emerges I still hold it back, I scream silently, I cut to get my control back, I let my tears flow without a sound. But I have this immense urge to break something, break everything around me. Just trash everything. Or hit someone (I could never actually hit someone, was a main problem when I was training capoeira, it’s just an urge). Sometimes I hit my arms or legs a few times if I really can’t get my control back otherwise, but I always end up locking all this up again inside me. I’m scared that one day all those things will be stronger than me and take over the control. I’m scared walking over bridges because I’m afraid I might jump down or push someone before I can stop it, or I’m afraid with knifes around others because I’m afraid I might harm them (or me but I mean that already happens in a controlled way). I’m constantly scared I’ll start screaming at someone or anything else like this, I’m scared this stormy monster inside me manages to slip through my controlsystems and act before I can stop it. it’s strong, very strong and I always need to focus on being in control, except when drinking, that calms this monster down a bit..