
i don't have anyone. i know there would be "friends" that would be upset if they heard me say that. and sometimes i do feel guilty for thinking that way, because i have a family friends who are supportive of my sexuality. i wish they'd do the same with my illness. but they don't really care about me. my parents don't acknowledge anything is wrong with me. my older siblings moved far away so i barely have a chance to bond with them anymore. ive only really ever had three close friends, but recently all three of them have done things that really hurt me. it's like they don't even take the time to think about how their actions might effect me. now it's like they only reach out when it's convenient for them or if they need money or something. so i've been distancing myself from them and talking to all of them less and less. the saddest part is that none of them have even noticed that i've gone MIA. these are people i went through middle and high school with. people id bend over backwards for, or do literally anything they asked of me. i let them walk all over me just so they'll be satisfied and i'm so done with that. i just recently graduated high school and i was so excited to spend my first adult summer hanging out and doing stupid shit with my friends. but i stayed inside and was miserable all day because they were out doing those things with other people. but it made me start to appreciate my alone time. im getting to know myself more while spending all these days without seeing anyone. i don't think i'd want to hang out with my friends anyways. i always feel out of place when we're together. and even the doctor i had that first suggested im bipolar stopped listening to what i tell her. she never even checked up on me after giving me medication. the visit i had after that was completely pointless because she was talking to me about getting tested for STDs and asking me if i use protection, and neither of which made sense because i made it clear i'm not sexually active. a professional didn't even listen or care about me. id never felt so fucking unseen. i don't go out anymore so i've started to become a bit chronically online. im always on tiktok or twitter and now reddit. i used to get validation and attention from the people i love, but it stopped. so now i'm always posting in hopes that someone will tell me im pretty. when i'm not on social media i'm online shopping. i just got paid on friday and it's now sunday and my entire paycheck is already gone. also, i was very close to being a year clean but i ruined all of that after a breakup. it's become very hard for me get up even just to pee. i shower once a week. i don't remember when i brushed my teeth last. i have a job that i attend four days a week, but it's at a fast food place so i don't feel like i need to be clean for that. i used to love going to work because it was the only distraction i had after graduating, but now i wish i could just sleep all day every day. another thing that really bothers me is that no one else seems to notice anything is even wrong with me. maybe i'm just really good at masking. maybe they aren't familiar with the signs/symptoms of someone with bipolar disorder. either way, if i know somethings wrong with me, shouldn't the people im closest to realize it too? why is it so hard for them to reciprocate the love i've always tried my hardest to give them? i just wish i had someone. i need someone to be there for me and to tell me i'm not insane and it's okay to be this way. someone that will take the time to understand me and learn about me and how to form a relationship with someone who is bipolar. god there is just so much noise all the time. my brain is so loud and i can't make the thoughts go away. these feelings are never going to go away. i don't know how i'll be able to live my whole like this. 










*i accidentally deleted my original post and now i feel even worse after trying to scramble around and remember everything i wrote the first time.*