Read my post history if you want, I don't really care if all my posts come off as teenage vent crap. I know everything I say sounds kind of edgy and stupid.

I'm realizing the only real purpose or motivation I had was trying to bring people back into my life who obviously don't want anything to do with me.

The sad part is, they were some of the only people I think I ever truly loved unconditionally. Maybe I'm more fucked up then I thought, because I don't even trust my parents with anything anymore. I have good reasons not too, so many poor decisions and controlling and tiger parenting that destroyed me, and I spent years trying to build an identity for myself after having it broken and controlled for so long.

I tried to make new friends, the best I could do is some new online friends but I don't even like them. I just needed someone at the time because I actually didn't talk to many human beings for months, and I barely want to speak to my parents anymore.

I'm 17. About to be 18 in like 8 days. My life is just waking up, going to school where I don't talk to anyone anymore. get all my work done and somehow have good grades. But I still feel no amount of accomplishment or excitement or anything when I'm there. Sometimes I feel like I'm so isolated from everyone that I've completely dissociated from anything real. Sometimes I even forget I'm even there. It feels like I died a long time ago and have been in purgatory.

After so many broken promises, (ghosting from me and towards me), mistreatment, the tiger parenting and sheltering. I don't feel much of anything anymore and I don't want to. I feel like things are better this way. I became this way to survive the shit that I was and still kind of am going through. Can you blame me?

I don't know why I do any of this. Once this whole school thing is over. I'm going to be living with only my dad. And I expect that to be a disaster, because I honestly don't even trust him to do what's best for me. Considering he has spent years promising me to teach me things and has failed every single promise he has made. But doesn't let me do anything but wait.

So now he's stressed because I'm so behind in development but that's his fault. I asked. And now that I'm an adult, I get blamed for stuff I can't control. That's the way it's always been. I'm blamed for my behavior that isn't even my fault it's how I was raised. Shitty. With only one real parent who taught me anything while the other one just taught me hate, anger, bitterness and negativity.

It's always my fucking fault. It's my fucking fault I haven't changed past middle school. 

My best friend. Well the person I labelled as my best friend. They never saw me that way. I don't think so. My hope got lower and lower with the months that passed by, the unread and ignored messages. Even they got sick of me. It's something I warned them about. I asked if they would ever get sick of me. They said they would always be there for me. 

I think that was the moment the light finally died. When I realized I was a lost cause. That was last year. When I realized I was actually living in the good part of my life. And I blew it. In the span of a year. I lost everything. All the progress I made as a person. My own self love turned back into self hatred. All my plans. All my friends.

I lost any purpose I had. The people that I loved were my motivation. So I decided to stop loving people. And now I'm filled with hate towards the person I loved and thought I could count on when things went down.

It felt like I keep getting built up in order to be knocked down again. It feels almost too coordinated and unnatural that I find myself actually thinking the world has it out for me. I know this kind of thinking is toxic, I know I get from my mom because she acts like this too. 

Which is making me think. I don't want to be like that. If I'm going to be a miserable adult, in a miserable life which is what I'm totally expecting, I might as well take myself out now.

I don't want to be an adult. And not in a teenager kind of way. In a way where, I would rather die than see the kind of horrible disgusting thing I can see myself becoming in the future. 

I don't know if it's because the only person who told me positive things about myself doesn't even want to be around me. But I can only see negative. And after everything, I feel like I've earned the right to see life as negative.


I look to others for help. And the people I love are the first to leave, to lie, and to break promises.
I look to the world and I see the shit storm it's become and it only makes my future more hopeless and makes me angry that everything is rigged against me because of who I am. 
I look to myself and I'm mostly too tired of being knocked down whenever I even make the slightest bit of progress. That I've become...scared of getting better. The anxiety that something is going to come and ruin it has just grown every single time. Because it keeps happening. 

I don't know why I do it, when I know nothing is going to end well.
I can't keep this up and I know it. Nope. All my fault. Because that's what the world says nowadays right? Everything is your fault and your fault only because you didn't have the initiative, the motivation, you didn't pull yourself up. 

It's my fault right? Always my fault.
Regardless if I tried to get help multiple times. Asked for therapy multiple times throughout the past 5 months. (it's been difficult to find a therapist) And I've been let down by counselors, parents, friends, everyone. 

But I'm wrong not to trust other people. I'm the messed up one for not believing/trusting anyone anymore.
I'm the lazy one because I have the common sense to stay down after getting punched down over and over. After getting talked down to so many times.

I'm tired. And I feel like I'm reaching the end. The part where people have to see the kind of person I turned out to be. Where I turn my back on my life entirely.

I'm not attached to anything anymore. Just fictional shows and crap like that. Youtube. And I just feel bad for the few people who are hanging onto me. Especially those I don't even want around. 

Why am I writing this. Why do I make these so long. No one wants to read this sad crap.

No one even cares if I sleep in for 12 hours. No one cares that I even wake up in the morning. My parents don't even care if I sleep that long. They don't even really care if I do anything. They only cared when I failing and had low grades. My teachers don't care because I'm fine, I do the work. The counselors are there just to help you get your grades up. The police 3 years ago said they'd have to take me away if I ever said anything suicidal online again.  My friends don't care because that's how I am. My online friends try but even they get sick of me.

I lose no matter what I do. So the only real logical thing to do is to either leave entirely which is stupid, or die. 
The only answer my brain has been able to come up with is to literally leave everything and be out on the streets but that in itself is death sentence. It's either death or leaving everything, leaving my life. Those are the only only options I'm really comfortable with. 

I want to continue living, but I do not want to be me. At all. I don't have much keeping me in my life anyways. I hate this person. But I've only wanted to die when I realize that I'm trapped as this person. The only benefit to being me is that, I have stuff, that I don't really starve and I'm not really poor.

I don't know. I write here only when I realize I no one else gives a shit and no one wants to hear this shit coming out of me anymore. 

I won't excuse myself either, I'm a coward and maybe I do deserve this. Maybe that's what all my old friends thought. That I just deserved this, that they just all expected the worst of me and that's why they stopped trying. 

Was I too greedy? I'm not even one of those people who needs to be in a relationship to be happy. All I wanted was my friends back. Was that really such a selfish wish. When I kept losing everyone, my whole life. I just kept losing people. Because they moved, or I have to move. Never fitting in anywhere but still holding out hope that one day I'd find the people that would just click.

I create characters, and I draw them. And their friendships feel more real than anything I ever had. And I always wished I had as close of a bond as the characters I draw. I make them realistic too, or at least try to. But maybe I'm so emotionally immature to ever have close friends or any friends. I kept trying to be around people. I really did. Tried to participate in group assignments in school even when I knew something was wrong and broken inside of me. That the people who raised me didn't really let me socialize a lot. 

But every. single. time. It failed.

And when the last pillar I had fell. My closest thing I ever had to a best friend online. After 4-5 years. When that pillar fell. That was the last thing I had left to stand on. 

"At least I have you" 
"At least you're still here"

You haven't been there for me, since June 2021. Since then it's just been brief conversations where I have to keep talking to keep you around, I felt like I was holding you hostage. And when I let you go, you grew without me. And now.

Now I don't know what to do with myself. I have no reason to do anything. Everything fun and creative I did was for you along with everyone else. In hopes you would all come back.

Now I'm too scared to do anything. I'm scared to even get better, in fear of something worse coming along and ruining it again. The paranoia that I'm actually being targeted by misfortune. So I just stay away from everything and everyone. It's better that way right? So at least all of you can be happy and just forget about me. I see you all getting better, and being happy and I think. 

I never had a place in the first place. I'm just a pit stop for everyone to stop by. I was never the final destination. Just there for you guys to move on without me. That's the way it's always been, every single time.

A bad aura just seems to follow me wherever I go y'know?

And sometimes I think, hey. Maybe things would be better, if I stopped trying so hard. If I just gave in. Instead of dragging this on for as long as I do. If I just let go of everything from the beginning, then things would've be a lot easier now. 

I love the people who used to be in my life so much. Even just for friends. I get too fucking attached to things and it hurts every time.  I hate that I could never be the person I wanted to for them. But at the same time, they're better without me, because I would've been and have been horrible for them. All that's left is negativity, hatred, sadness, depression and numbness.

I just don't see an out this time. This is just, who I am, and who I'm going to be. For who knows long. Because it isn't just going to go away. And even when I try to fight and fix all of these feelings, they come back stronger and more vengeful. It just never goes away does it? And even when I try to learn to fight it, it doesn't work.

I feel sick for some reason. And I'm getting a headache. I'm going to lie down, think this over like I do with all my posts. It's become more of a personally diary rather than anything anyone would ever bother reading. It's probably the only way I can get out these thoughts anymore. Otherwise I'll explode.