I've been seeing this girl for about a month and a half, and while I'm nowhere near head over heels about her, I did like her. Long story short, we both enjoy camping, so I invited her on a camping trip I planned for her and invited my friends as well, since I'd like her to meet them if she means anything to me. It was fun and jovial, the first night we just drank and smoked and hung out. She was incredibly quiet and off put. The next day on our hiking, she was really weird, walking away from people, not uttering a word, sort of just being really weird. I expected her to be the girl that shoots the shit and enjoys things, but she wasn't that at all. She took me aside and let me know that she was a little overwhelmed by everything, but I couldn't let it go. I snapped at her, didn't yell, but I went wholly black and white. I snapped, "fine we can just pack up and leave". After a little bit of mulling it over, we ended up leaving a day early. In the car I berated her and said the meanest things, then had a full blown attack with rambling words and anxiety and finally calmed down after she had left. I laid in bed and cried and texted her an honest apology, that I'm seriously not emotionally stable enough to be with anyone, because the minute I have an issue, I become the same person I've spent months trying to run away from. 

I'm so disappointed in myself and what I do. I've been working for a while on mindfulness and I'm just slipping off the rails. I feel like I'm just destined to be alone. For the first time in months, I had a bit of a sex drive, which was awesome and I sort of had a reason to be happy about stuff. I've completely fucked it up and now I'm back to square one. I think I see my therapist this week, maybe I can just cry for once in therapy, but I'm not sure it's going to happen. I don't know, I needed to ramble and say something, because I'm just laying in bed without much emotion at the moment. 