My mom died due to covid 6 months ago, and I was talking with my sister today about her, how her life was basically hell, chronically ill and trapped in a shitty relationship with my father.

My whole life I never saw my mom happy, I don't even know what happiness means because of that, she always looked sad and depressed,and just today, my sister told me that my mom tried to jump off a bridge around 10 years but the police stopped her in the last second.

She said the reason was because she found out that my father had an affair with some other woman.

Honestly even though I knew she had depression, but knowing that she actually had a suicide attempt makes it 1000 times worse.

It makes me even more hopeless, I always hated existence but never actively tried to kill myself, until one year ago when I was facing some major life crisis, I tried to stab myself in the heart but couldn't do it, and my therapist told me it counts as an attemp, but idk, I tried to play cool and shrugged it off. 

Now knowing that my mom had an attempt too makes me think it will happen again to me, and who knows, I might actually do it.