I see my anxiety and moods as very black and white. My idea of a good day is well-defined: seeing friends (especially my best friend), getting a lot of homework and chores done, exercising, going outside, managing social interactions like ordering food well, texting multiple friends or having a strong and consistent text stream with a friend for a little while, texting and calling family. I don’t know what an average or meh day feels like, because it’s easier for me to classify those days as bad.

Yesterday was a meh day. My best friend told me he couldn’t hang out with me this weekend, so I overreacted a bit and felt very crushed. Seeing him as much as possible is extremely important to me. I understood and I see the benefit in it: he and I can get some homework and annoying chores done this weekend so that we can fully enjoy our time together next week. But it still discouraged me. I was looking forward to seeing him, but I have to wait a little bit longer. I also had to get my cracked and pixellated phone screen fixed for $172.26. Ugh. 

In spite of that stuff, I didn’t freak out very much. Yeah, I cried a little, especially because we had an even greater time together than usual when we hung out last Sunday. However, I reminded myself of the good thoughts and good energy I put into other things that day. I bought him a birthday present yesterday. His birthday isn’t until November, but I remembered him loving a paper mache dinosaur I showed to him, so I bought him one too. The funny thing is, I bought him a brontosaurus paper mache dinosaur... and he has a brontosaurus emoji in his Instagram bio! 

What I think everyone needs is a person or place to send good energy and good thoughts. It feels good to hope the best for someone and manifest good things for them as you fall asleep. That’s what loving someone or something is like. When I read my best friend’s text and felt that anxious prickliness outlining my body and seeping into my stomach and chest, I remembered how I’ve always hoped for good things to happen to people I love. I remembered the progress I’ve made in opening up to people and telling people things that I desperately want them to hear, but am afraid to say. 

I didn’t chastise myself. I didn’t doubt my decision to ask if he will be available this weekend. I didn’t accuse myself of being clingy. I told myself that I knew we were on the same level. I told myself that I had FINALLY, for the first time in my 20 year life, developed a friendship even better than the most loving and rewarding friendship I could ever dream of having. 

I remembered the dinosaur. I knew I actually did something 100% right by getting it.  
 

It’s hard to take advice from someone who is improving. I know. But I think it helps to tell yourself that you have love to give. 
You do more things right than you think you do. 
Don’t chastise yourself or feel embarrassed for the love you put into something if a part of that thing doesn’t work out. 
Don’t cancel your feelings over a small setback. Remember that your energy can sustain someone or something else. 
Take time to reflect and to remember what you have and what you are thankful for. 
Write down your feelings. Journal. Vent. 
Compose that text you’ve been wanting to send. 
If you’re holding back from telling someone you know you love that you love them, tell them ASAP. It will improve their life. It will make you feel amazing. It might be just what they need to move on from  their own feeling of discouragement 

Just because something doesn’t work out doesn’t mean your heart and energy aren’t worth being put into the things you care the most about. You have so much to offer.