So, I’m new to the subreddit, but I’ve been seeing a lot of posts that relate to what I’ve been experiencing. 

In 2017, my boyfriend at the time told me I had to seek help. We weren’t happy in the relationship and he felt that it all stemmed from my constant mood swings, anger, and my lack of motivation in life, as wel as negativity in general situations. He went to the concert of his dreams without me because he didn’t want me to bring down the experience.

I got help, saw a therapist, and eventually, after a breakup and admitting myself to the hospital because I didn’t know how to live anymore, got a diagnosis of bpd in the fall of 2018. 

Fast forward and I have a new boyfriend (we met same month as previous breakup. Cause I can’t be alone long). And it’s been hell for both of us. 

I switched jobs because of a high stress environment and lost my health insurance so I’m no longer on meds or in therapy. And I get that I should be on meds and in therapy. But who in this country can afford it. 

Anyway, my mood swings used to be weeks between events. Or under serious stressful situations. But now I’m doing things I can’t imagine myself doing like sneaking around and all kinds of other risky acts, I’ve started drinking to get drunk almost nightly without anyone’s knowledge, and I’m not even giving a damn at work anymore, which is the only place I ever put effort into. 
In one single day, I’ve switched from being madly in love with my boyfriend and taking about marriage to downloading Grindr to look for a sugar daddy/ couch to sleep on to pack my bags and never see him again. (I am too old/out of shape to get a sugar daddy) I know I’m self destructing like a ticking time bomb. 

I’m constantly feeling my heart race. I have problems with random episodes of my fight or flight kicking in already, but I’m now it’s like it’s on 24/7 and my heart is just pounding and part of it is the knowledge of all the crap I’ve done these past few weeks but part of it is just this existential dread for what’s gonna come next from me or my life. How do I stop spiraling? 

How do I/should I save my relationship? How do I save myself because I feel like I’m drowning and, if I’m being honest I wouldn’t mind to just stop swimming at this point because going farther down seems easier than going back up to the surface. I’ve made enough mistakes now that I’d rather just burn my whole life than try to pick up the pieces. Run off to the woods and eat sticks and berries. 

I’m sorry if this sounds ridiculous and I had a clear idea of what I was gonna say when I got here but when I started typing it kind of went to shit. Hopefully I don’t get flamed too much. Just really needed this stuff Off my chest. 

Thanks.