my boyfriend is always there for me. He always wraps me up in a blanket like a burrito and gets me tissues and water when I cry. He pats my head and tells me it’ll be okay. But he’s depressed too. And I feel like such a burden on him. I feel like I’m not the same person he started dating 3 years ago. I know for a fact I’m not. I’m super negative, have zero libido, and coop myself up away from life experiences. I am a net negative on him. I can’t offer one positive thing except my support in return. I feel like no matter how I try to help him, it will never even scratch the surface of what he does for me. I love him but I feel like he deserves better than me.

 I feel like it’s unfair to make him hear my problems. At the same time I want to talk about them so badly. I can’t keep it to myself. But I also feel like the negatives moments outweigh the positives in our relationship. For every one time I express some kind of happiness, there is 20 negative things to go with it. He’s told me he can’t deal with it anymore. That I’m too negative and need to take active steps to get better. I don’t know how!!!!!!!! No therapists are taking anyone new near me. What else could I possibly do? 

He used to care more when I was sad. Now, it’s so commonplace that he just feels exhausted if I express any negative emotion. I can tell. After his response to me being a lot, I don’t wanna turn to anyone else in my life because I feel like I will just alienate them too. I just think I will lock myself away in my apartment in the coming days. He said I shouldn’t have come back. Cause everything becomes an argument. I apologized but he really drove home how much he just doesn’t care anymore and how he just needs to sleep and how he’d be reading my texts right now if he cared. I get I’m a lot but … idk.

I resent college. It made us this way. I’m depressed about school, how my life must pan out in society, how in order to live the life I want I need an income and to work so many hours that I no longer have time to do the things I want bc things are so expensive, the immense pressure I put on myself to “succeed” (whatever that means), and how I have no passion for a single thing in this life. Everything is just so useless. Is this all there is to life? I just want to get better but I find myself alone punching myself and sobbing to the point of throwing up more nights than not. I want to rip my hair out. How do I enjoy life again? I feel like such a loser. What is the answer? I feel such overwhelming anxiety it’s consuming me.