CW: Suicide, discussion of suicidal thoughts

I don’t really know where else to put this, but I feel like I’ve exhausted most of my options up to this point, and I am simply at the end of my tether. If this post is not well written or organized, than I offer my apologies here in advance. Additionally, I apologize for its length/repetition, this post is the product of an I edit it’s, emotionally-charged typing spree.

I (M 22) am a college student who has struggled with autism and clinical depression/anxiety. 

Without revealing too many autobiographical details, prior to college an abusive parent and my status as a social outcast (amongst many other things) have provided me very little opportunity to experience life in really any meaningful capacity whatsoever. Even with a genuinely caring father who fiscally has done much to make sure that I could enter college, I simply have not been able to transform myself into a better person, or learn how to relate/understand the people around me. On top of this, a major bout of (then undiagnosed) clinical depression rendered the entirety of my high school years a dreadful, blurry haze. In short, up to entering college I had lived an unfulfilled, uneventful existence.

I imagined that college would be an opportunity for me to redefine and improve on myself, and in many respects it was. I developed close friendships and personal connections (something which I had never experienced before!), became active with various organizations on campus, and excelled academically. It seemed that, in spite of my past woes, I had learned to thrive socially and experience the intrapersonal relationships which I had long been denied.

Flash forward to senior year (I only have so much time to type out everything), but nearly all of my relationships have faded. And trust me, this is not from a lack of effort/attempts to put myself out there. Even worse, those whom I have remained close to have used my kindness/trust as an excuse to treat me with animosity and walk over me as they please. I once again have no one who understands or cares for me.

It seems that, no matter how much effort I have put into self-improvement or better understanding those around me, being autistic prevents me from developing any sense of intrapersonal connection or understanding of other people.

No matter how many people I interact with, how many situations I put myself in, or how much self reflection I do, I simply cannot change the fact that I am a fundamentally broken excuse of a human being. 

If my struggles were merely the result of temporary circumstances I would not be considering means as absolute as suicide. but given that I proven to be incapable of functioning in any given situation, as well as the fact that 22 years of existence has only enforced this worldview, this condition of mine seems to be permanent. 

I feel that I have run out of options, and my future circumstances do not provide room for some spontaneous opportunity to prove myself wrong. Hence, I am here writing on Reddit as a final resort before I go through with my deed. 

I don’t really know what to ask or say, but I needed to vent/type this, so if you are reading this than thank you.