For years now, I’ve acknowledged that for the first few months of dating someone, I can be such a breath of fresh air. And then I realize that forever is a long time and no one wants to be around me forever. I have all these issues and all of these thoughts that remind me over and over that I’m this broken person and that no one wants broken. I want to tell my current SO that I feel like our breakup is inevitable; we’re so different and we’ll never be able to get any close than skin deep. He’s smart and he’s always learning and he’s so well rounded. And I’m..dull and nonexistent. I’m always self sabotaging and shutting down and I don’t know why and I don’t know if I want to find out why. I get so defensive and I shut down over the stupidest shit and i don’t want to; I don’t want to be the buzzkill or the bummer or the one person to always be overlooked every time I’m in a crowd. I can’t communicate, I communicate so well with myself but I feel like as soon as I open my mouth about my problems, even now, I’m just making shit up and I don’t have any real problems; like I’m faking. Like they’re all so tiny they can’t even be called problems. What am I supposed to do if I can’t even tell someone when I’m just not there mentally? When I can’t tell my SO that I just need to be alone or I need to cry?