If you ask me now one word to describe my life and how I feel it would know be the world Tool (urban dictionary ) basically all of their definitions.

It just hurt so bad reading the definitions and realizing how  accurate it is and most importantly how stupid I felt about my whole life. How my whole life has always been based towards someone ,  feeling accepted , loved and most importantly making them happy no matter what it emotional or psychological damage it had on me. Going to my therapist I realized a lot of my blocked traumas and horrible events , nobody knows about them as I've forgotten about them as a "cooping" mechanism . 

Back to present day; my rock and support system has always been my little sisters as my mom has bpd but never would admit it and she thinks she's the victim and everyone else is fucked up (majority cause of her ) but forgets the damage she does to us, but never forgets the damage done to her. So I realized I've always been a tool to her , I'm 23 and from Hispanic decent and I came out as Bi a year ago or so , it was horrible . The emotional damage was the worst and a major reason of my suicide attempt. We would have huge fight everyday. 

She would love to post and pretend we were this perfect family on social media but not even turn around towards me and say happy birthday. Her damage was unbearable and evil (things I've blocked as I say them out load they will make me cry Or relive the moments ). My friends were the only ones there for me , and noticed my depresión as I tried to commit suicide and they saved me same as my sister. While my mother had no idea about anything.  I smoked a lot as my help as it did helped a lot ... and honestly I rather smoke than all the fucking pills I take.  Had a mental breakdown and another suicide attempt (the one she finally found out of) due that  my mom blamed me of my dad heart attack based on my sexuality and other major issues . She found out I smoked weed and her new hate/damage/ embarrassment is not anymore my sexuality but the idea of having drug abuser kids . Fucking up my relationship with my sister as she blames her from my addiction. Making their relationship a shit show and making her hate me , and ruining our relationship. Now I feel more lonely than ever as my mother hates and doesn't allows me to see my friends whom where the only ones there when I need my mom the most and isolating me from my sister. Making me feel guilty and hate myself as I'm the one who brought everything on our family. Even how hard I try I will never please anybody and I will always be the perfect fuck up , as everyone sees the beauty from the outside but no one sees my dark and empty mind, heart and soul. As I've never feel loved or ever felt it , as I'm never feel safe , attractive, smart but just lonely... waiting for my death cause I love my family and others so much that I don't feel capable enough to kill myself even tho I wish I had the courage to do so, but I couldn't do that to them.

Sorry for the long post just needed to let it out .  