I am mean and awful to my boyfriend when I am emotionally dysregulated. I feel like my boyfriend has spent the last 8 months of our relationship caring for me and parenting me. He buys me food, cleans my apartment, helps me work, he even helped me write parts of my thesis, brings me flowers, makes to do lists for me when I am overwhelmed, comes running from work or in the middle of the night when I am feeling suicidal. I feel like I get more than I give in this relationship. I feel so guilty and I have this image of him meeting a girl who has her life together and who is able to give him the kind of love and attention he deserves, someone who is not sad all the time - and I feel so much pain. I love him so much and he deserves every beautiful thing in this world, but how do I stop feeling like that is not me. How do I stop imagining if every other girl on the street is perfect for him? Yesterday I asked him if anything I could change about myself that would make me the perfect girlfriend and he said - "if you were not having so many saddies, that's all I want". 

I want to deserve him. I want to give back to him, I don't want to mess this up and lose him but my BPD keeps getting worse 😔