My boyfriend and I have been living together this year after doing long distance for a few months last year. It's great, for the most part - I feel like it's given us both structure and stability and he's said it's been the best year of his life and that I make his life better. We were planning on moving out together in a couple of months but he just told me last night that he doesn't want to live with me next year.

I'd asked him so many times if he wanted to live with me, if he wanted to be with me, and he always told me that he did. My BPD has made things really hard the past month or so - me feeling anxious when he goes out with friends, making him feel like he can't do anything without me, etc. I said that I will do whatever it takes to get better - I'll go to see someone, I'll go through that DBT book that's always recommended here (I have a copy of it). He said yes, okay, he wanted to be there for me and be a team with me.

It feels so hard to deal with him then turning around and saying he thinks it's for the best that we don't live together anymore if we want a normal and healthy relationship. He doesn't want to feel trapped in a lease and feel like he has nowhere to go if we fight. It feels like he's leaving me - especially him saying he doesn't want to feel trapped. He's said a hundred times that he's not going anywhere, but I feel so alone. It feels like next year is going to be just about me trying to fix myself so that I'm good enough for him to want to spend time with me. (He's never made me feel like this - for the most part he's been pretty understanding about BPD). I feel like I just say sorry all the time lately and make him unhappy, and I'm scared I'm going to push him away. He says he's never leaving and he sees a future for us, but I feel like it's just so clear that I'm a burden on him.

I spend most of the first half of the year recovering from an eating disorder and that felt really hard. It just feels extra shitty now to feel like that was all for nothing, like there's still so much wrong with me that I need to fix. The thought of not living together next year feels really scary, especially when I thought things were going well. He keeps saying he's not doing it to put distance between us or to pull back from the relationship, but I don't know how else to take it. I feel like I can work on getting better and we can work on communicating better without needing to not live together, but he doesn't seem to think so. From my perspective, it doesn't make sense that he says he's loved living with me and doesn't want to pull back from the relationship but then ... doesn't want to live with me anymore.

Does anyone have any advice? Is he being fair? Does he sound rational and in the right? How do I stop feeling like absolute shit? I feel so, so alone and isolated and scared that I will drive him away. He says even if things are hard and I feel scared he'll stick by me but I don't know how to feel secure and safe and believe him.