I'm not asking for diagnosis, just something that I'm struggling with and was wondering if anyone else is feeling this. It could be triggering(?)


I get this despair in my brain, like someone is mad inside there and screaming, and although outside i keep my composure, inside it's like someone dancing like a crazy person, like Sia's video in the "chandelier" just stuff like that. But at the same time i am vividly aware of reality and i am actually a grounded and responsible person. I feel like I'm about to slip in the madness, but I'm also holding the reins pretty tightly. 

It makes no sense and I don't know what to do with these feelings. They prevent me from doing anything that requires planning/observing. I can't paint unless I am just going after my own gut, I just can't focus on something, it feels like my entire being wants to go out of control and just pour everything at random, cause complete chaos. It's like every little thing feels harmful to my independence and triggering to this madness inside. Something up there is making ugly faces and doing weird things, but I am so aware of it and can control it. It is a weird feeling. The feeling of going mad without actually being mad. It is frustrating. I can function and complete my duties, I still care about what others think - I'm uncomfortable showing what's truly up there, but it's kind of wild. I am very sensitive and would be shocked to see someone act like the feelings I'm experiencing. 

Do you experience it as well? What explanation do you give this? It feels like I'm split but still pretty much in control.