I have a long history of rocky relationships/friendships. I’m in my early 20s but have either removed myself or been ejected from five different friend groups in the last ten years. I only have one remaining friend who has known me for over two years and they are an exceedingly kind and patient and understanding person. However, I can’t even say that I particularly enjoy our time spent together despite how much they mean to me. I feel terrible. 

I feel lonely and miserable. I’m currently part of a friend group I really enjoy but I’m terrified to get any closer to any of them than I already am. I feel like I have no control over my future even though I know that’s impossible. Every potential friendship feels like there is an inevitable and terrible end. 

In my last friend group, these feelings caused me to close myself off and only speak to others in large group settings. I wound up feeling jealous and hurt when I noticed that people within the group formed close-knit friendships and I felt like an obnoxious, annoying outsider. I entirely closed myself off after that and broke all contact. I know it’s a bad and thoughtless move. I was so convinced at the time that no one would care anyway that I didn’t consider that maybe someone actually would 

Sorry this is long-winded and rambling. I’ve never talked about this before. 

I’ve thought a lot about the similarities and differences in what caused each relationship to ultimately fail. I want to be able to change that by learning from the past. However, each situation is muddled and complicated in my brain. I just know that the common denominator is me; I know that I am the problem. I just really have no idea where to begin or what to do.

My question is does anyone have any general advice for me? Particularly in mindfulness and frame of mind? I’m tired of feeling like my life isn’t mine to live and more so I’m sick to my stomach over hurting and making everyone I’ve ever cared about hate me in the end 

