I was thinking a bit now, about what feels most familiar, warm, safe to me. Maybe a person or a place, anything, the only thing I kept feeling drawn to was depression. I've always known and felt it, all the time it's like I feel a low baseline of depression holding me back until major depressive episodes suffocate me. It just all around is such a familiar and warm feeling thing to me, like it's the only reliable thing I can count on. It's not like everything else in my life that always slips out of my control. 

I know depression isn't something safe or good to always fall back onto, but it simply feels most familiar and recognizable to me. It gives me a direction in life, as in it makes me be a certain way that I can always rely on happening as a result. It makes me feel and act a certain way, not necessarily ways I would like all the time, but it's easy to me. I don't know how exactly to describe it. Like would you rather keep drawing your shaky path as you go or take a break and give into following a familiar path that will make you feel something. It's just too easy to revert to the really darker times I was in, and sometimes it seems like a nice spot to take a break at from everything, myself and the world. It's dark, quiet, lonely, but smothering and welcoming; everything I like and/or have ever truly known. 

I don't know if this is just me, yet I'd imagine so since I actually turn out to have MDD but with psychotic features, aka psychotic depression. For me, when I get into a major depressive episode, I remember that I can physically feel different, almost as if I'm wrapped in a thick blanket, weighed down, just at least not so empty and alone feeling I guess. Idk, thinking about it, I'm pretty sure this happens with a lot of others. Pretty sure, and I hope, not many have to be kicked while they're down by people who don't exist. 

Admittedly, weed helps a lot with this, but it doesn't really help the root of the issues or treat anything, it just masks everything else. You can try it for this, but we'll just be running from our problems together. 

Anyways, if you've read this far, you have more patience than any one I've met. Does this make any sense to anyone? Does anyone else relate?