Not "home" as in "my house" but home as in, my actual home. As in, the place where I will feel truly comfortable, where I can feel like myself. This pandemic has done a huge number on my mental health and I've realized that I'm actually very unhappy in life. I have things that I love to do, friends that I love to see, but I don't have a place that I can truly call home and I'm constantly wondering when I will even be able to get there.

I haven't been able to fall asleep properly in a long time because at night is when I'm alone with my own thoughts, and that's when I really start to worry about my future - I constantly repeat to myself, in my head "I want to go home" and it makes me feel so heartbroken and sometimes I even come close to crying...it just hurts so much and I can't stand this anymore. I'm really trying to survive and it's just so difficult...and it doesn't help that I'm pretty much broke and jobless and suffering from burnout so it's hard to even manage to do anything, and I don't have money to go where I actually want. What's worse is that this situation is really bringing out my intrusive thoughts...sometimes I start thinking about how I'm going to die one day and then I get scared and have a panic attack, and panic attacks are terrifying and I try so hard to stop them but I feel so helpless against them. Like I know it's irrational to worry about death when I'm only in my 20's but my brain, of course, does not care and gives me anxiety anyway.

Sometimes when I step outside my house I just feel like running far away, I look between the trees and wish I could just run past them into a portal to my home, and sometimes I just stand there feeling stuck, not wanting to go back inside my house because it just doesn't feel safe in there. I'm just...so tired of everything.