I've been realizing that everything I do and everything I've ever done is based upon how people respond to me. Whether it's me doing something to see how somebody will respond or me doing something because I know that that person will react a certain way. For example I'm not sure if I say I love you because I want them to know that I do love them or if it's just to hear it back. Sometimes I even say I love you when I know that I'm acting wrong just so that I will know that they still love me even though I'm having behaviors. I do love them very intensely but sometimes I feel like that's contingent on my view of them and that can change so easily. When I think about saying or doing something to somebody it's more about how they may think of me afterwards rather than how I would make them feel. I've started several different paths for college including nursing mathematics teaching literature and now sustainability. And every one of these are admirable to other people and maybe that's why I tried to do them. I struggle to even do simple addition in my head so why did I think that I could be a mathematician? When nobody else around I hardly do anything for myself. I don't shave or even shower unless somebody's going to see me, I don't clean up the house unless somebody's going to come over. Sometimes I can realize when I'm doing this and other times it's so subconscious that I don't realize it until later. Does anybody else experience this? Or is anybody else aware that they are doing this? And why do I feel so inclined to persuade people's perception of me?