I have always been an idealist and romantic at heart. I am passionate and care very deeply for those that are in my life, especially my boyfriend. I am struggling with such intense anxiety, and it is constantly causing a strain in our relationship. I am planning on going to group or personal therapy, but I need to find the right place for me. In the meantime, my boyfriend suggested I join an online community like Reddit to ask for tips and pointers on how to correct my behavior. 

As I’m sure many of you in this community are familiar with the symptoms and traits of classic BPD. I am unfortunately a borderline with very abusive tendencies when my emotions flare up. Everything is a trigger, and then I will ask question after question after question until my boyfriend feels like he is in an interrogation room. And I ask all these questions but then I struggle to believe it because I am so afraid he does not love me, which I know not to be true. But you know how that anxiety goes. I lash out, I scream, and I just feel so immature that I cannot seem to honor yet control my emotions enough to be able to be the woman he needs and that I want to be in this relationship. We have been dating for over three years and still he believes in me. 

I need to get better. I need help like in all fucking honesty and I don’t like asking for help I always like to do things my way or listen to myself, but I am so caustic sometimes and get in the way and I feel I am always disrupting his peace. Seeing this behavior over and over with myself causes me to feel so fucking horrible I can barely imagine what he feels on his end. He understands the disorder and he works with me in it, but he deserves better than what I am giving him, and I want to give him so much more (in terms of emotional stability, projecting and emanating love, working on my anxiety by myself, being independent and stable financially). 

I am aware of my traumas and how they have impacted me, but this self awareness still seems to do nothing to curb my habits. At this point it feels like my anxiety is an addiction.

I have begun to give myself small punishments for behaviors like when I lash out. I have given myself a rule that I am not allowed to talk to him for a full 24 hours and keep a timer on my phone. This is because he is my FP and I absolutely love talking to him, but I need to set that boundary when what I say and do is so caustic to his energy. 

I also will make myself do things I don’t like or don’t want to like pick up the dog poop from the yard or deep cleaning the apartment.

I appreciate any feedback.