I know that I'm blocked but it doesn't stop me from trying hoping he'll see it.

Its so hard for me to accept this person I care about so much doesn't care about me at all. Hes never been one to check up on me. He doesn't care how much pain I'm in, how long my depression lasts, etc. Its so sad and its so sad that I care so much about someone who could throw me away like trash.

I never would've left him like he left me and I sure as hell never would've abandoned him for good. 

Its just hard because I haven't spent a significant amount of time with anyone else like I did with him so my mind automatically ruminates about the time we spent together and misses it while knowing full well hes a shitty person.

Still if he called id pick up, id race over to him, id cry in his arms but that's never going to happen. I'm pretty sure i was love bombed. He used to call me everyday and now I'm abandoned and it can't be undone.

*edit
I also just wanna say being blocked is like the ultimate form of abandonment and really triggered my self destructive behaviors in the past. I'm coming up on a year without self harming and I'm trying to keep it even when it hurts. I drew on my wrist with red ink 2 nights ago and it didn't come off until today, real cuts wouldn't have gone away.