 Hey you. Long time no talk. I hope you don't mind me coming back from months of silence just to dump another wall of personal drama onto you, but I think it's important that I do. If you want to read through this I hope you're prepared for a long one.

 I've vented to you about my problems before and I know you struggle  with your own trauma, I wish everyone could understand my mental health has been a huge factor in my lack of communication and other bad habits without pitying or feeling bad for me. I finally started getting the help people have been telling me I need but I also wasn't giving the psych or anyone else the full truth because I was scared of them finding out I'm going crazy or there's something else seriously wrong with me...

Since we last talked I've gone through several failed attempts at changing and rediscovering myself, then returned to my default setting of being a sad hermit. It's a cycle that's happened many times before and I think I've become familiar with it. Two years ago the same thing happened, told myself I was getting better, pretended I was normal for a bit, then things got really bad, I quit my job, and I tried to make a major environmental change that brought me to where I am currently... that this is happening again is proof things haven't changed though.

 I was prescribed antidepressants from the psychiatrist I've been seeing but they haven't helped much so far and I still feel empty and often self harming... I always attributed the constant negative irrational thoughts, paranoia, anxiety attacks, and intrusive delusions I experience to depression or my past ocd, but they have been getting worse over the last few months and I feel like I'm losing my sanity more often.  

I had never shown the worst side of myself in front of anyone else before a few days ago. I lost control and had my first public dissociative episode (a really bad one like holy shit it lasted five hours apparently) in front of some people at a coworker's house.  It was scary and humiliating but also kind of a wake up call. I hardly remember anything that happened outside of my head because I was struggling to stay grounded in reality but going by what they told me one of my reoccurring suicidal delusions had manifested itself into its own violent hateful personality and another less violent one was also taking over my body that I'm not familiar with, they were both saying some crazy sounding stuff. That I was suppressing memories, that I deserved to die, that I was being tortured, that everyone deserved to go to hell, the works. When these episodes happen I believe nothing is real, everything I see is an illusion, none of my memories really happened, and everyone is lying to me. It's like being trapped in my own mind. It was bad enough that by the time it finally ended everyone had become convinced I'm insane and was treating me like a broken doll.

  I will never be able to talk to any of the others again out of shame but one of them convinced me to visit a new psychologist with her and helped explain some of the symptoms I was going through... long story short I was diagnosed with BPD... I want to know what's wrong with me but I still don't know if this is the real answer or not. It would explain a lot and I would love to believe it and let myself feel relieved that it's not something worse, but I'm still conflicted because no matter how hard I try I can't trust myself. While I'm willing to accept it now I think in the back of my head I'll always believe this is something I'm making up and tricking everyone into believing as an excuse for my failures. I think I'll always feel like I'm fake and carry the fear everyone is going to find out how terrible and worthless and manipulative I truly am. I don't know if I'll ever believe I deserve to be cared about or loved. I don't think I'll ever deserve to be happy.

All I can do is keep hoping against all odds that things will change in the future. I quit my job again and might try moving to another town where history can continue repeating itself. It just sucks that everything I try ends with the same result. Everything is starting to feel more hopeless than ever and I don't know if I can keep living this way for much longer. I realize that everyone has their own hardships to work through and I wish I could apologize to everyone for being so weak and giving whatever is wrong with me so much control over my life for so long. I realize most people have it worse than me but still manage to be better people. I have no one but myself to blame for rejecting other's attempts at reaching out, wasting countless opportunities, and sabotaging my potential.

You're cool. You have always been there for me in your own way. I don't know what I am to you at this point but I still admire and care about you even if I don't act like it. I think I warned you a long time ago that I'm really good at pushing people away lol. I can't escape this constant bouncing between beeing too selfless and feeling like an inferior burden on everyone, to not caring at all and wanting everyone to despise me, to irrationally hating everybody for the most shallow of reasons. My love for anyone is constantly destroyed by guilt and self loathing. It's always extremely negative no matter what and it's all I can think about. Allowing myself to get close to others on any level has always been really hard and maintaining relationships has become almost impossible. I don't know if I can say I ever had a friend. My family will always feel alien to me. The only thing I can ever succeed at is ruining everything and disappointing everyone. I think I'm starting to accept I was meant to be alone forever.

I wish I could have gotten to know more artists I look up to like yourself. It might seem silly or overdramatic, and being a hypercritical perfectionist makes it challenging sometimes,  but even when I want to die and become completely apathetic about everything else my artwork has always given me a sense of purpose and identity. It brings me closest to feeling a connection with others and it might be the only thing I haven't  lost all my passion for at this point. I learned self hatred pretty early, I think as a kid being able to turn my weirdest stupid interests and ideas into something that's seen as beautiful and valuable gave me a way to feel validated and express myself, maybe even to cope with feeling alone? Creating something meaningful and unique for the world to enjoy, be inspired by, relate with, or use as escapism would be nice. Achieving this has been my lifeline for a while but there's a huge gap between the artist I want to be and the perpetually unmotivated and  exhausted piece of shit I am now, so I might not make it, but you deserve it more than me anyways. You are so so so talented and you deserve to be happy and successful with all your dreams.

 If anything happens to me before I can find out the root of my issues or make an impact I'm sure most people won't care or notice. I haven't given anyone a reason to care. I don't WANT anyone to care, at least not until I am a completely different person. You, that coworker who saw my breakdown, and the psych she took me to are the only people I've shared the real truth with. I convinced myself punishment was the only thing that could bring me any fulfillment or satisfaction and almost died without letting anybody know about this stuff just a few days ago, if I had followed through with what I was planning to do nobody would have known the extent of the never ending battle with myself I've been fighting since childhood, only upon reflection afterwards did I think about how sad and pathetic that would have been if it really is something as simple as BPD. 

I know this probably sounds like a suicide note or attention seeking grab but I'm fine atm and there's no need to respond if you have no wish to or don't give a shit lol. I think I'll at least stay alive for long enough to see if BPD treatment does anything for me. I'm sorry I haven't talked to you in months but if it makes you feel any better you're in the same boat as a lot of other people I wanted so desperately to connect with throughout my life... I don't want this to come across as me trying to offer an excuse for being selfish and neglectful either. My brain can just be kind of unpredictable and I'm still shaken up from the other day, I don't know what to believe anymore. If it continues to get worse and I'm fated to die a crazy nobody I just figured at least a couple of people should know why so it wasn't all for nothing, you feel? 

This also isn't something I'd want anyone else to find out about. I was tempted to send the first version of this message to a stranger instead of anyone I know personally but reconsidered and thought it wouldn't be as much of a cringey pointless waste of time if I  sent it to you instead, you've listened when I was feeling pretty fucked up before and if you have been through anything similar I think you'd understand this isn't coming out of nowhere.. you kind of have a fuller version of my story than anyone else. In other words, sorry for your bad luck I guess :) 


Thanks for being in my life, I'm sorry for being in yours