I’m disgusted with myself. It’s been almost 6 months. We dated for over a year and a half, we always knew I had issues but the BPD arose late. She had always been perfect for me, we spent so much time together and she always wanted to see me more and I the same to her. When I was stable (first 12 months or so of the relationship) I cared for her as she has trauma issues and whatnot. We hung out on what would have been a year since we got back together after the first time we broke up shortly. She even told me how much she missed me then, and how much she wanted to see me, and loved me.

That was the last time I truly got to hang out with her, the next day we broke up. We got back together and broke up and got back together for a few days. Then we didn’t talk, and then she had a boyfriend just not official at the time, and I realized how little I must have mattered to be over me in like 2-3 weeks.

Before that we were perfect together, I helped to bring her from shy and introverted and self hating by reminding her how other people see her, and she used to help my maladaptive thought patterns. I didn’t have a ton of blowups at her or anything. She just witnessed some emotional crises and panic attacks (all of which are things I’ve helped her through). And I had one pretty bad episode of splitting during the whole on and off week at the end. 

Why is this all I can still think about? I’m not forever alone, I’ve seen plenty of girls since, just none of them bring me happiness, at least not like she does. It’s like trying to quit heroin, sure I am getting used to not having it but it doesn’t change that life sucks 100x more without it. And the best part is I couldn’t even ever get back together with her if it did happen because of how quickly she moved on and to the fact he was a guy I had mentioned disliking. I’m disgusted with myself. I’m not forever alone I’m just forever settling for second... which isn’t even fair to my new dates. When does this pain end?