Have been diagnosed, am not looking for a diagnosis. Rather I feel as though I don’t fit in or relate to the bpd community at all and am wondering if I have been misdiagnosed? I understand that bpd is very similar to cptsd. 

I don’t feel think I have a fear of abandonment but rather am extremely sensitive to criticism and constantly fear that someone will trigger my intense uncontrollable emotional episodes (these emotional episodes are usually shame/guilt/sadness). 

I don’t have any friends and the few people I do talk to I keep very surface level and keep a wall up around myself and don’t let them in or trust them. I am 24 and still live at home because my mental health has just declined so much in the last couple of years to the point where I’ve lost any friends that I did have and have slowly over the years isolated myself and keep everyone out and when I let someone in I always get severe uncontrollable meltdowns triggered by them and am terrified of them hurting me or triggering me in some way. 

I feel like I have no personality or identity and that I just mimic whoever I am talking to so they will like me, and whenever anyone expresses that they like me my thought is “you don’t really like me you just like the me I’m presenting to you”. I also cater everything I say to people and on what I feel someone wants me to be. I am so terrified of people being mean to be or being disappointing or being hurt by people that I express myself as a sort of catered version or myself to mimic what I’d feel they best want? I’ll fit into any dynamic that I feel anyone wants me to fit into but the important point there is what I feel they want me to be? This catered responses and portrayal are very much an anxiety reducing tactic for me. 

My catered responses has deeply affected my relationships as I promise the other person so many things because I feel that’s what they want from me but I am never able to act out those things (even if I also want them) because of the overwhelming fear of them criticising me or being disappointed in me which has caused them to call me a liar and have inadvertently gravely hurt people by lying responses.

I can’t have any healthy or real relationships with people. I am too terrified of people to act out what I want to do with them in person. I have fantasies of relationships and friendships and a career and my own home but I’m incapable of doing any of that because of my fear of people hurting me and my deep sense of shame and guilt and feeling so empty and hollow inside with so sense of self. 

I chronically avoid everything. I won’t start DBT. I feel so alone because I can’t relate to any of the posts here or any other people with BPD. I’m scared that if I have been misdiagnosed it means that I will never have a chance of getting better.