Apologies but this is going to be a long post. I know that you're not allowed to diagnose me but I want your opinion on what might be wrong. Ok so I have known for about 2 years that there is something wrong with me but I'm still yet to get diagnosed. I'm 15 and my anxiety goes off the charts when I think about talking to my family about it. I did at one point only feel depressed and my mum sent me to see a psychologist only to be told that there really isn't much wrong with me but that was perhaps because I felt I couldn't trust my psychologist enough to tell her everything. But as my brain has developed, so has this disorder that is slowly eating away at me. I'm pretty much a shut in, I barely leave the house and I don't really like leaving the house for my family but I do constantly wish that I could go out with friends. However I barely have any friends I can trust (I got some major trust issues) and so there aren't many I would go out with and there is also always my anxiety getting in the way. So my day consists of me staying indoors playing videogames on my own or with a small group of IRL friends I play with online. I only leave the house to go to school or occasionally walk on the nearby beach. It makes me feel insignificant to the world when I spend most of my days rotting away at a computer desk, not doing much at all but I feel as if I can't do anything else due to my issues and anxiety. Hopefully that gave you an idea of my lifestyle, now on to the symptoms.

I inherit a lot of symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder however I do have a some weird other symptoms which im not sure fit under this disorder

-I have constant mood shifts which I have no control over

-I feel emotions much more intensely than other people I know

-I don't always have the normal emotional response to situations

-I am VERY paranoid and always feel that my friends just act like they are my friends but are just using me and don't really care

-I don't have too much of a problem making friends but I struggle to keep them

-I tend to treat some people like they mean more than the world to me, and then one day I'll have a random outburst and they simply can't forgive me even though I normally treat them like the King/Queen of my world

-I am quite socially awkward and can't fully understand people. I try to tell people sometimes that I am more like a robot trying to be human and trying to fit in

-I have a huge fear of abandonment and being alone and so sometimes I cast away friends out of anger only to beg for them to come back (It's quite a horrible loop)

-I struggle to sleep, truth be told I'm typing this at 5 am after not being able to sleep and tomorrow is my first day back at school


Unusual symptoms:
-I see lots of opportunities soon after passing them up

-I sometimes like to be in control, but not many people see me as a leader and so they ignore me

***-I feel as though I constantly wear different (metaphorical) masks depending on who I'm talking to. When I'm talking to old friends I wear a mask that is more myself. When talking to more recent friends I wear a mask that is more shaped on their own behaviours. When online I wear a confident mask based off my anonymity and when I talk to girls of significance I wear an obvious, different mask.

***-I feel as though I have different personalities for my different emotions. I have 3 different personalities I believe. I'm currently in the personality I identify as myself, a personality that wants to desperately help myself and others achieve happiness and one that believes I need help. I have a very different personality when I'm angry. It takes control and I lose control of myself. It wants to hurt others more than helping them and it has made me do things I heavily regret. It's the personality that thinks up in depth plans to harm others with blackmail and the such and it never thinks of the consquences afterwards. Its the personality that once caused my friend to contemplate suicide, a thing that thankfully has only happened once but still continues to hurt others. Then there is my final personality which is basically depression itself. It takes form as a thing in the back of my mind that constantly tells me I'm worthless, useless and that nothing will ever get better and it likes to take control mainly at night and makes me want to die.

-I constantly want to die, or leave this world to go to another one but I'm too scared to kill myself or even self harm and I also realise how selfish it would be to hurt my family members and some friends so much through that method

-My emotions, feelings and opinions unusually contradict each other from time to time

So thats about it. I tend to cope with my symptoms by distracting myself with friends or music or TV shows but when I feel I lose control I usually can't use these coping methods.
I've put in just about all I can think of about my symptoms on a basic level (mostly) but I can always go more in depth if necessary. Please give me your opinion on what might be wrong however at this point I'm convinced its BPD. If you've read to this point then geez good job and thank you for reading and I look forward to your response