It's.. every time now. 
It's every time that someone gets close to me. I endlessly believe the nice things someone says. I need to believe someone cares, so I do. 

But it's inevitable. It's gotta be me, at this point, right? 
They disconnect. I don't change, but suddenly they feel distant from me. Time after time after time. 

They all left, changed their mind about me, as if they didn't believe me when I said I'm an open book and what you see is what you get. 

I've heard for as many girlfriends as I've had that "things just changed". 
The ex-fiancee cheated; the girlfriend I have now is saying those words too (I just don't feel connected) and .. my reaction is to turn off, now. 

I turn off my emotions because I don't want to feel that hurt. It's a defense mechanism and I get worse every single time. It's like some part of me wants to try and save it, but what's the point? 
And all I'm left with is that same anger. Fuck the world for not wanting me. I never asked to be so fucking different. Why the hell don't I deserve happy, too?

I get SO angry when I feel alone. I make threats at some god I'm not convinced is real, or if they can hear me, I don't think they care. The rage bubbles over and froths and all I want is to watch everything burn. 

I always lacked the self harm because I'm afraid of pain that I know is coming, and I've been told by my (shitty ex-) psychiatrist that I'm "too aware" to have BPD, that I'm smarter than I look, that I'm gaslighting myself.

That's bullshit. I'm doing the best I can. I know I don't work right. I get that. But I see the people who work right and that looks like misery. I'm miserable enough. I don't wanna be like them too.

I'm sorry if this isn't coherent. I'm angry. And exhausted. And I'm so.. 

I'm so fucking tired of being me. 
I don't know why I can't just be enough. 
Everyone has to prove my fears right and leave over and over. 

Or use me. 

I want to not care anymore.