He pushes me away when I try to hug and kiss him while we wait at the cashier line. In my mind, there is no excuse or reason for him to shove his new wife away like that (and in a public place, no less). After all, we have just returned from our honeymoon. I keep my distance. I don't say anything. I want to go home and deal with this rejection in private. 

He tells me to stop throwing a hissy fit. He reaches for my hand. I pull away. He gets louder. "Stop being a bitch". "Those people think you're a bitch too". I ignore him and hop in the car. JUST MARRIED. HITCHED. TIED THE KNOT written on every window. Breathe and keep it together 15 more minutes. 

He doesn't let up in the car. Keeps repeating my name over and over and over and over and over. I smile so other people don't see the newlyweds fighting. He gets angry and talks louder and louder. The shrill sound of his voice is pushing me over the edge by the second. 10 more minutes.

I snap. I hadn't snapped like this in over 3 years. I'm behind the wheel verbally abusing my husband. I scream so loud that my own voice sounds distorted in my ears. "I'M NOT NORMAL. I'M NOT OKAY. HOW ARE WE GOING TO LIVE LIKE THIS FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES? WHAT HAVE I DONE. WHAT HAVE I DONE. WHAT HAVE I DONE."

I cry. I yank on my own hair. I speed up. He screams to pull over. I ignore him and keep driving. PULL OVER. PULL OVER. PULL THE FUCKING CAR OVER. 

Breathe. Clear your mind. The screaming stops. The weeping stops. I'm still in the drivers seat; tears silently rolling down my cheeks. I think about everything and nothing at once. He's reaching for my thigh and for a moment, as if by force of habit, I think about pushing his hand away. I don't. He keeps it there. He's desperate to make me better again. 

We get home. I drop the groceries and fall to the floor. I'm crying my soul out. He takes me to bed and holds me. I'm sweating. I can't breathe. I listen to his soothing words and slowly control my breathing. He kisses my forehead and reminds me of how much he loves me. He apologizes. I apologize. I cry more and he holds me tighter. He tickles me and I giggle. He wipes my tears and whispers sweet nothings in my ear. As if nothing happened. I'm happy again.

We get up and put away the milk and eggs. The incident passed but I still have the bitter taste in my mouth. 

I should start taking my meds again.