Hi this has been such a bad year for me. I lost a couple friends, my therapist and even a potential girlfriend. Last September when quarantine was still young, I decided to move out. Now that I’ve been diagnosed with BPD, I realize what a mistake that was. I’m 22 and have never lived alone. I drank heavily for the first time, had a bunch of random hookups, and blew all my savings. 

Everything can be fixed but the wind is knocked out me every time i remember it. I was suicidal, angry, and desperate for change. So, I stopped taking my meds which led to a 6 month fog. In this fog I said and did things that make no logical sense. And reached out to people I know are bad for me. I’m just now waking up and am so embarrassed and confused by how i was acting. 

My mom is helping me pick up the pieces and we’ve been spending a lot of time together. Watching movies, talking, etc. We were watching Umbrella Academy and I was hit with a wave of regret and embarrassment. So I had to step out to type this. I have flashes of happiness and forgot for a second what a shitty year I’ve had. I’m glad i found this sub. At the end of day I can’t change what happened. I know my actions aren’t me. They’re my BPD. This makes sense to me and probably some of you. I just wish the people i turned off would understand.