I used to be so outgoing, everyone would say I could make friends with a paper box. I would go on coffee dates with close friends weekly, always had someone to talk to, and thrived on being extroverted. 

Then we moved to a city I knew no one in, but managed to make friends at my place of work. I wasn’t as happy as I was with all my childhood friends, but I was still satisfied with the friends I had made and was happy.

Shortly after my husband and I move 4 hours away from our hometown for his dream job. I worked from home, so I didn’t have the opportunity to make any friends in this town. Then I shortly got pregnant afterwards and the company I worked for closed down. I stayed at home with our daughter, which I realize now slowly exiled me more. Now the only people interested in hanging out were other moms. I still was hanging on to the thread I’d find myself outside of being a mother again. So many people I was close to just kind of vanished after I gave birth. 

People don’t ask how I’m doing anymore, they ask specifically about my child and husband as if it’s my only duty. I love them and don’t mind talking about them but overtime this hurts. I used to crochet blankets as a hobby, would have a new blanket out every other month, stopped and not one person has even noticed or asked. I truly felt invisible and decided to get a part time job around my husbands schedule for my mental wellness. A place where I was needed for me and no one gave a shit about me being a mom.

I found the perfect job, great hours and such good people I’m working with. One girl even asked me for drinks after work, didn’t ask my kid or husband to go. She genuinely just wanted MY company. I went into a bathroom stall and cried tears of happiness because I realized I WAS STILL THERE. That crazy woman I was before was still there and wanted.

Shoot forward a few months and I’m finally happy again, found myself again outside of a mother and was looking up. Then because I accidentally used expired VCF, I became pregnant again, and unexpectedly it’s like everything I worked for in therapy and outside of home was nothing. The dynamic at my job immediately shifted, no more servers gossiping to me at the hostess stand, people randomly asking me how old I am? As if they’re now scared to try and hangout with the married mom with kids. I’m the same age as everyone, I just fell in love and got married sooner. 

We announce to my family and my dad and step mom immediately say “We knew you were gonna announce another at Christmas!” I JUST gave birth in May (I’m a surrogate). This stung hard, because my own dad even forgot who I was outside of a mother so much that he just simply expected me to be pregnant again 6 months later. We announce to his parents and his mom says THE SAME THING. At this point it hit me, no one will ever see you outside of a mother after you have kids. The person you were before slowly fades and chips away, and people mold this new picture perfect maternal standard for you. This whole time I really thought I had found myself again, and it seems overnight it was snatched from me. 

I’ve never felt so empty, it’s like I’m a Barbie and I’m building my new self because no one wants any different. Waking up in the morning everyday and not even recognizing the person in the mirror that I I used to be. Feeling like I have to prove myself in social situations to show that I’m still the fun friend they had before. Everything just feels like a script. Im hollow inside and everyday being in my head is so hard and so scary. I just wanna know that I’m not alone in this. That I’m not gonna eventually forget about that girl I was one day too. And I guess I just needed a good outlet to dump this into. 

Sorry for the long text, thank you guys for listening.