I'm 42yo and have been depressed since I was 9yo. Everyday there's a dark cloud over me, I grew up thinking it was normal. When I talked to a psychologist when I was 30, I found out that the dark cloud isn't normal. Was given medication, but I stopped because it made things worse.

I'm married and have 2 kids. 4 kids in all since I have 2 other kids outside marriage. My life is a mess. No career because I was forced to stop by my wife. Couldn't hold a job since. 

Pandemic came, been haven't been out since this all started since wife was paranoid. No friends to talk to. I do have friends but we just say hi hello. No one to really talk to.

Before all this, I was alive. Dream job, outgoing, friends, socializing, I was good looking and funny too. Now I'm a shell of who I was. 

I get sick all the time. Mostly in my head. Back hurts, foot hurts, headaches, a lot. Always tests come up negative. It's all in my head. 

Stay in bed a lot. Being useless. Try to find a job, always not qualified. $10 in bank. Can't even repair the stuff that at least distracts me. 

Wife wants to leave me. Don't blame her after all she's been through with me. Hungry all the time. Eat what the kids leave uneaten. 

Since my wife told me to leave my career, she was the sole breadwinner. I earn a few bucks here and there, but not enough. Now she wants to leave me, I don't know how I will survive. It's fine. 

I'm weak and useless and pathetic and have nothing. No one needs me. Literally. I once was quarantined for more than a week, no one missed me. Makes it easier for me to do what I need to do. 

I've a lot more to say, but not the will to say it. I'm tired and broken. Living like this isn't living at all so what's the point?

I'll spend a day with each of those I care about. See if I change my mind. If not, so be it. It'll be painless. I've arranged for it already.