Am I seeing ghosts or is it something else?

A lot of the time lately my whole world feels surreal.

I feel like I’m in a different plane of existence.

My ears ring and I hear voices and I see shadow people.

Sometimes I see people more vividly.

It’s hard to walk past a hall or whatever without knowing someone is there watching me. I can feel them watching me. Not like I actually think it’s a physical person, but maybe something from another dimension or extraterrestrial.

I’m terrified of mirrors. I’m terrified of the dark. I’m terrified of silence. I’m terrified of being alone. I’m terrified of owls.
When I see/hear an owl irl or in media it reminds me that I’m being watched.
I’ve never been scared of any of those things.

I’m scared of my phone sometimes, but I also use it to distract me from my surroundings so it’s like a catch 22.

Last summer I had debilitating psychosis from a mixture of a huge lifestyle change (left ex, lost daughter), the riots, and covid stress.

My best friend passed away on Monday 06/07/2021. That’s when this all started.

We had a lot of unresolved issues.

I can’t do anything without thinking about her.

I have to constantly distract myself.

I’m scared I’m going to see or hear her. I dreamt about her once, but it wasn’t scary.

I hate this. I just want my head to feel normal.

I act irrationally and can’t control my emotions. I snap at everyone for virtually nothing. I get so angry.

When things get real bad, I feel like there are millions of termites crawling under my skin. I have to lay down and I’m completely useless when this happens. Like the light is too loud. Also sometimes I can’t control my legs, I impulsively kick at night so my bf will put a weighted blanket on them. This usually helps.

I wish I could like scan my brain, because it’s funky up there.

I’m scared right now because it sounded like somebody punched the basement door really hard and nobody is there.

At the risk of sounding crazy, I think there are aliens everywhere and trying to control us. Idk if they’re around me personally, but when I hear/see things, I think that its them. Same with the owls. The owls are their cameras.

I’m terrified writing this down because I feel like I’m putting a target on my back for them. I’m so paranoid, it’s debilitating. When I drive or do anything I will squeeze my eyes shut because I’m scared of what I’ll see.

Idk if it’s mental or real. My bf says my mind is over stressed so its spilling out.

I just want it to stop.

Oh, also I’ve been having random bursts of energy, followed by long depressive episodes and an intense desire to cut my arms. I haven’t cut since 2018 and that much is still true.

I also have another thought of self harm that I can’t disclose because it’s the ace up my sleeve if things get too bad. But, that thought has been much much worse before and I’m not thinking of suicide. It’s more like a fleeting impulsive thought. The cutting impulse is the strongest I’ve ever had though.

I’m a writer, but I haven’t been able to write at all, causing financial problems. I can’t concentrate. Nothing feels right. I thought maybe I’d do Doordash to make ends meet, but my bf doesn’t want me to deliver right now.

My short term memory is shot, which is why I’m writing this.

I can’t concentrate. People talking at me is so over stimulating, but at the same time I’m scared to be by myself. Idk either.

My sleep is sporadic at best. Sometimes 2 hours a night, sometimes I take 4 hour naps. I never know what sleep will be like.

My diet and lifestyle is poor. I need to exercise, but it scares me. My heart going fast scares me because of heart issues I have. I eat too much ‘easy’ food.

I have this weird popping tic I do when I get annoyed/angry. Idk what that’s about. Sometimes I get stuck in a loop where I can’t stop pressing my right ear onto my shoulder, which was a tic that my mom’s ex gf had that always freaked me out and now I’m doing it and it scares me.

My relationship with my mom is shit.

Right now I’m hearing a lot of muffled moaning and weeping. I’m also having scary intrusive thoughts. Scary looking people who almost don’t look human. Maybe aliens or the dimensional beings.

I’m going to put on some light music and try to sleep.

P.S.
I have 2 doctor appointments this week for a therapist and psychiatrist. So, we’ll see what they have to say too. I’ll update on Thursday.

tl;dr 
I’m seeing and hearing stuff and idk if it’s ‘real’ or not. Seeing doctor this week. Does anyone know if it’s in my head or not?