So I’m back here again. 
Another relationship I ultimately wounded because of my abandonment issues, self-esteem and image issues, impulsive behaviors, mood swings and nit picking behavior. I’ve been with this guy for a year and two months, and was officially diagnosed last august. 
I am working with an individual therapist and attend weekly DBT group. I am meeting with a nurse practitioner on Thursday to start meds. 

My partner thinks I don’t understand what I do, but I am fully aware. The way I nit pick his behaviors, I dissect everything I say and do throughout the day. 
I understand the pain I bring. Before getting diagnosed, I used to warn him of “my inner demons,” as I called them. I am fully aware of who I can be, and I agree with him when he calls me a monster, because I’m scared of myself too. 
When he uses words like “abuser,” “abusive,” and “you abused me,” it’s a helpful check on the IMPACT of my actions, that I KNOW I wouldn’t use if I was more in control. I don’t like that side of me, but even here I perpetuate the black and white thinking and move away from the whole object idea. 

We are scheduled to meet with a couples therapist. At this point I just want support on keeping it civil and helping him humanize me like he used to, perhaps even finding forgiveness. 

He started off understanding, being patient, and created a space that I felt like I can navigate my recovery. But over time, it just became harder for him to be that person. Over time, he started to feel abused. It took me a moment, but it was a helpful ego bruiser that I needed to hear. 

There are so many posts coming from the loved ones of BPD, and each post leaves me with a more helpless, shattered self image. There are things that my partner can ultimately work on for himself, but like these posts, it feels like the energy and expectations lies on the actual person with  BPD.  

I am taking responsibility. I am trying to surrender to this illness and get my life back. Every day is a literal test. I just wish it didn’t come with the burden of this stigma, and the hate that I feel my person has for me.  I know recovery isn’t linear. I’ve read that it had to get worse before it gets better. I desperately want to surrender and be “normal.” I desperately want to accept him. I desperately want to be free from my demons and be able to love unconditionally and be loved.