So I got diagnosed with BPD when I was 17. I’m now 19. I got diagnosed with anxiety and depression when I was 11, and I had EMDR therapy for traumatic memories. I feel really alone right now.
I have no friends, and I’m not that close with any of my family. Nobody understands what I go through, but then again there’s nobody in my life to even try and understand, I’m very alone.
I’m a pill popper, self harmer and occasional binge drinker. My first relationship ended after a year of being together because he thought he’d ignore my ‘no’ and just tried to force himself on me 6 years ago. I became friends with a girl I fooled around with who decided it was a good idea to make false rape allegations, she came to me for help and attention, saying with my experience I was the only one who’d understand nearly 2 years ago. My last boyfriend and long term friend a year ago dated me and then out of nowhere broke up with me, saying he’d been thinking of it for a while. I became pretty depressed and he ghosted me rather then deal with being friends with me, I don’t blame him, but it hurt a lot. I’m too young, unstable and immature right now to date anybody for another couple years so I’m not even going to think about it.
As I said, I have no friends. I’m in my final year of college and I’ve hated all 3 years of it. I have 3 gcse’s and 2 levels… I have no job prospects and I’ve applied to several, all of which are either refusals or no response. I’m covered in self injury scars so even if I could get a job interview that alone would turn most employers off, I’d have to cover them up. I have no confidence, no extroverted qualities and I cannot sell myself. I’m not against working, I do volunteer work at a charity shop and I’ve done work experience. I just can’t see anybody willing to employ me, and I’m absolutely terrified of job interviews.
I live with my uncle who wants me to get a job very soon, as in next 2 months. If I don’t he’s not in a financial position to continue housing me, nor is my grandmother who also lives with us. I’m terrified of ending up homeless and the thought of that is driving me further into despair. I see no way out of this. I know this is an episode, and taking drugs isn’t going to help me, all its doing is making my spiralling worse. I feel hopeless and very cold. I feel alone. I can’t get an appointment with my gp, my therapy is ending next week, I’m having to wait 4 (originally 6) for an appointment with my psychiatrist despite calling her secretary and requesting an appointment. I called a NHS run talking therapy and that is another 4 weeks away. I requested to speak to a mental health professional who helps people like me to gain employment, I’ve asked my current psychologist and my psychiatrist and still nothing has come up. I feel like I’ve been let down over and over and despite being honest about my dissociation, drug use, self injury, binge drinking and suicidal thoughts it’s not gotten anywhere. I feel like nobody understands and everybody just sees me as a pain in the ass, a difficult patient and emotionally unstable. My sister said she’s always having to walk around on eggshells around me. I try so hard to reign in my anger and not hurt people and be cruel, and keep my problems to myself and yet even with all that effort I’m still snappy and unstable, I’m still a pain in the ass to be around.

I feel like death is the only option left, the best alternative. I feek like the emotional equivalent to a burn victim. I'm tired of everything hurting, everything being an attack on me, tired of living.