My life consists of nothing but school, which I look forward to, and laying in bed with crippling anhedonia. I’m in a major depressive state and having some serious suicidal ideation problems. I have so many real life problems that I can’t even tackle in this state. I just wish there was an “end” button to life so I could press it already. I just don’t care about anything anymore. My substance abuse has reached an all time high, despite cutting weed out. I feel like there’s nothing pulling me through the day anymore and I have nothing left to give. The chances I will even be able to work a job after my degree is slim to none. I just have nothing to look forward to. The one thing that keeps me going is the possibility of meeting someone, as if I could even manage a real relationship. Very seriously considering hiring a sex worker just to talk. I have therapists but it’s like nothing gets done in those sessions. I’m looking at the possibility of regaining my independence after this semester in school and it terrifies me. It terrifies me that I might not be able to do it. My friends are few and far between with school in full swing. Most of them have families and careers by now. I’m not even sure I can make it on my own, let alone be a productive member of society. It’s days like these where I normally grab the bottle, but that’s becoming a problem too. I can’t cope with even the smallest amounts of stress in a healthy way and I feel touch starved. I haven’t had a meaningful relationship with a female in over two years now. That’s my rant. I wish life would be over already.