Today I found out that I wasn’t getting the antidepressant pill.

I’m under age, so it’s not really something I thought I had the ‘right’ to. But when my therapist told me that I would be getting the pill, I finally felt like everything was going to be OK because some of the things I’ve been blaming on my porch genetics were just symptoms of something that could be fixed.

I can hardly remember anything at all, have trouble focusing on anything I’m doing and it feels incredibly difficult, physically, to do anything. It felt like every day was getting harder than the last but the hope that all of that would go away, the promise that it would help me get to today. And now all of a sudden all of that is gone.

The problems I have aren’t things I think can be fixed or even want to fix. But I was so tired of all the pain and I just wanted that to end. I don’t want to go through more therapy and think about everything again when there’s so much more I could be doing which goodbye rain just won’t let me do.

I am so pessimistic and honestly I feel so fragile right now. I guess I am upset but what can you do?