Yeah I know, serve me right for being selfish for being an evil person who doesn’t care about the other party.

For most of my life, while I have suitors, I’ve been alone because I couldn’t find anyone I could connect with (or maybe because there is something wrong with me).

Then I got involved with this guy who is engaged to be married. There wasn’t sex or anything, mostly emotional connections.

Of course I knew he wasn’t gonna leave her, and of course I didn’t want him to do so either! At first I just thought it was a nice distraction, something to fill the void a little.

As time goes on I start to be so preoccupied with this damn thing all the time, and it gets to the point when I start thinking “why did he choose her over me? See I knew there must be something wrong with me”. 

rationally I understand that him being married soon has nothing to do with me. I don’t even feel that much for him actually.

But internally I’m hating myself more and more whenever I get reminded of his fiancée. Each time when he has to leave, I get physically sick. How is it that he can go home happily to her, then have the romantic wedding, spend their lives happily ever after? Why don’t I have that? Why do I only get to go home to an empty house, and just... lie on the floor, staring at the ceiling the whole night wondering what is wrong with me?

Rationally I know this was going nowhere. But it’s almost like my fear of abandonment isn’t strong enough, of all people I have to get myself involved in a situation where I am BOUND to be abandoned. 

I ended things with him (time and again) and he always comes back. This time I have blocked him and made it very clear. 

The problem is I still see him at work (and he still talks to me, I try to keep it professional), and it really sucks to hear about coworkers asking him about his wedding, etc. 


What should I do? It’s not like I can quit my job and get him out of my life. But  it’s a reminder to me that I am never going to be good enough for anyone - and that there is something wrong with me.