Having depression and anxiety is sucks, having this voice screaming, taunting and mocking me making me over think on a small matter. And worse i keep this feeling inside of me until it burst, my therapist said its a bad thing to kept the feeling bottle up, i just- i can't i don't want people to find me annoying and "wanted attention" even my family i kept silent same goes to my so called "close friend". 

Just went out with my close friend since I don't use the terms bff anymore so anyway, both of us went out to get some food and she told me that she actually wanted to hang out yesterday cause one of my group of friends texted her personally instead in the group chat saying that do you wanted to hang out with the others? (they started to shows (obviously) distance/left me out, when i decided to continuing studies at the other state) It really hurt me, i thought they are my friends, i've been betrayed and stabbed by people so called "friends" in my entire 22 years of living. I'm always the quiet/introvert friend that always follow along. I'm hurt and it took me 15 mins in the toilet to calm my mind and heart. Did i mention that they are my only friends at my hometown its sucks right, when i'm brave enough to trust people again to let them inside my space be comfortable around them and then boom they're the same as the others. I know its sound childish and cliche but it really hurt. I feel like a worthless rag doll that people will play and toss it when they become bored. I was just stopped self harm 2 months ago but being treated like this with your so called friends just trigger me to self harm, stupid but its the only thing that i can dull out the pain on my chest. 

 i always known i was the outcast on the group i'm always the one who will walking at the back, the one that always took the picture, the one that always at the far corner whenever on a group photos. I know i'm busy but could they at least try and ask me. And my schedule was free for the whole week but it seems they like it when i'm not there to ruin their hang out day huh, i'm pathetic right? 
Am i being stupid to feel this way? Am i being overall dramatic? Am i being childish for getting this stupid matter to messed up my mind? 

You know i'm really jealous seeing people posting on the social media or my acquaintance hanging out with their friends, being there for each other, goofing around with each other. I just want a pure friendship, a friendship that i can call them my second family. 

Sorry for rambling to much, childish right? I'm sorry if you guys find this stupid or useless, i just wanted a place to vent out of my feelings sorry if you guys find me annoying. I'm sorry for the grammatical error since English not my first language. 
Again i'm sorry for this long venting.