I have struggled so hard with the failures of my past friendships. Friendships so close that they were considered family, yet they left me when times got tough. My anxiety keeps replaying these situations in my head and why I am so f***ing unfortunate to have experieneced all this pain by the time I was 25 years old. 

Sometimes it feels like life hates me by setting up these terrible scenarios. My childhood best friend who left me to marry my rapist, my teen best friend replacing me with someone else with the same name, my adult best friend who left me to marry my abusive ex. 

People ask me why i am so nihilistic; why i am so bitter towards the world. The world has not been kind to me. I have not been kind to myself. Taking a deep breath never seems like enough. Crying never seems like enough. Stupid mindful meditation never seems like enough. The pain weighs so heavy on me, and i have lost patience with people. 

I dont know where i am going with this. I take meds, i go to therapy. Sometimes there isnt enough of anything to undo the trauma of betrayal. Trying to move forward is hard without closure.