I’ve been with my (ex?)bf for 1.5 years now so he’s seen all of my crazy behavior. he has narcissistic and dissociative issues so he has never judged me for my crazy moments, he would get mad in the moment maybe an entire day but then come back and tell me I’m a good person and that he still loves me. because we both have issues we’ve argued a lot and hurt each other badly, but we’ve never given up on each other and especially have never been disloyal. what happened this night was he FaceTimed me in the middle of a movie I was watching. he asked me if we could netflix party it and of course I said yes. i had already seen the movie and it was late and fell asleep in the middle of it. when I woke up I had a text from him from an hour earlier and he said “it was a good movie, thanks for watching, I love you so much baby girl.” my laptop was still on and he had  typed things in the chat throughout the whole movie and I of course didn’t respond to it or his message becwuse I took a whole ass nap. my shame and embarrassment kicked in and I was so irrationally disappointed in myself for falling asleep, I can’t pin point why the smallest errors of mine make me feel worthless, but in a matter of minutes I convinced myself that he was laughing at me from his room and I texted him and said “I’m blocking you. Goodbye” just like that for no fucking reason thinking he was asleep, I get the notification that he stopped sharing his location with me proving he wasn’t actually asleep. I texted him and called him and he didn’t answer, meaning he was ignoring me and that sent me over the edge. I then went on my Instagram DM’s and opened some random guys who I never responded to, and messaged him “hey” then screenshotted it and sent it to my bf and said “if you won’t talk to me I’m sure this guy will” and a whole bunch of other cruel shit..... simply because I fell asleep during a fucking movie and it shamed me to that extent. I never continued to message that guy I blocked him and only did it to make my bf jealous and angry like I was (I don’t deserve anything good in life I know.) it only took me a few minutes to come down from my anger thought spiral, and I realized what really I had done, and how cruel it was. I typed another text, a lengthy and sincere apology/explanation, but it didn’t deliver. He kept me blocked like this for a day and then emailed me saying he’d drop some of my stuff off, and he did that but I didn’t get to see him, and I haven’t spoken to him since. He didn’t tell me we were broken up, or say anything at all, he simply left. And I deserved it. I pushed away the only person that’s ever cared about me, now I have to grieve the only intimacy I’ve ever known