I don't think I need to explain, each and every detail of what's going on, when it comes to anxiety.   The pervasive sense that you're never safe, that some impending disaster is always awaiting you, it robs you of all the joy in life, and everything is hard, harder, and hardest.   Nothing ever feels effortless, it's just one big, pain in the ass, anxiety ridden experience, and the only place I ever feel okay is at home, with my dog, watching TV, or in my car.   I'm working my ass off, to be an adult, address things as they arise, take responsibility, and the more I do this, the worse my Anxiety gets, because there's all those interruptions, delays, complications, and I'm trying really trying to cut everyone  some slack, but when you're super anxious dealing with people, and processing terror, and overall mistrust of the human race, you're on such overload, that for me it starts to affect my brain, my memory, everything.  And it makes people uncomfortable when you're uncomfortable, I certainly am not in the position to help anyone else feel okay, although I absolutely notice distress in others (different topic -I digress\_), when others are freaking out, I'm like "my people", and immediately say something like "your good, no worries, take your time, no hurry , etc".  

 The other day, I was talking to an auto mechanic, and my car is in bad shape, and I forgot to give them the keys, they're like "where's the keys'" and I sheepishly was like, "oops, sorry, I had them in my purse, thought I left them on the counter",  they just looked at me like, "geez, what a airhead".....I have to let that shit go.   

But anyway, I never, ever, ever, feel relaxed, because I'm trying not to turn into a recluse, because of my anxiety.    Only sometimes it just sucks.   I'm not going to take medication to be like the laid back people that I admire, that have that special gift for making everyone feel relaxed and happy, because whose that?   It's not me, it's some drug induced version of someone , but not me.   So the world is going to have to cut me some slack, and I'm going to try and take care of myself and not put myself in situations, that make me so unbelievably anxious, that it's physically painful.   

Oh yeah, so the physical pain of anxiety, here we go:  neck pain, back pain, headaches, my throat hurts, my vision is fuzzy, confusion, memory issues., my stomach hurts, I can't eat, can't drink water sometimes my throat feels so tight....it's like choking down the water.....Fun.   

I think my new approach to all of this is instead of fighting it and trying to *appear* normal, or not be anxious, I'm just going to allow it.   Not judge it, change it, shame myself, just say, "okay, I'm anxious, and that's just the way it is" and try to have compassion, and do things for myself that I like, that help me relax.    I just worry because eventually being anxious day in day out, and it's not getting better, can really wreak havoc on your body, the research is there, I'm not going to get into it, I'm just saying eventually I may have to re-group, and think about a major lifestyle change.   Tbh, I really don't know, what to "do", if anything.  

I'm like a walking trauma symptom.   

I was afraid to put it out there, but yeah, I do need help.