This has fucked me up my entire life. And even still although I've gotten better at ignoring what people with "healthy" brains (are they really though?) suggest/think of me. And I accept my diagnosis and KNOW I am not lying about the way things are for me. 

Beginning with family and like, teachers. The people we are told we need to listen to. 

"You're just extremely lazy." 
"You don't care about anything."
"You're too sensitive and emotional." (...oh, but I dont care about anything?!?)
"You don't follow through with anything, so you must not REALLY want change" 
"You don't try hard enough or give it your best" 
"You must like being miserable.." 
^ this on top of peers bullying my appearance was killer. 

Etc etc etc 

So then I'm like, okay..i'm clearly a shit person.. now what?? 

"Just do better" 
"If you would put the effort in, you'll start to feel better" 
"Set goals for yourself and dont stop til you reach them" 
"ThHiNK POsITiVEe!!" 


AS IF I HAVENT TRIED TO MASTER THESE BULLSHIT "TOOLS" MY WHOLE LIFE.

And if I didnt already think I was defective, NOW I'm CHOOSING to be basically useless and unable to cope or successfully master the most basic and essential parts of life that I see others do with ease... i'm barely surviving and being dependent on others into my adult years because I LIKE IT?! 3 suicide attempts means I'm COMFORTABLE with that? Interesting. 

Fuck. Idk if that makes sense. But i feel like it worsened my conditions.. and then turning to drugs and alcohol made people tell me even more I was just a lazy, careless oaf. 

My family always talked shit because I would take on my friends characteristics and it was, "quit acting like so &amp; so" 
"you're being retarded" 
"okay, (name of my friend), we get it" and then they would keep me from my friends because they thought I was around them too much.. 

And I just hated myself. Why wasnt I like everyone else? Why do people make things that are so hard for me seem effortless. Why DO I have a chameleon type personality and when told to be myself I cant think of anything specific at ALL. Or begin to do that in the slightest.. all i know about me is that i would rather be dead.. :) 

I probably did a horrible job of relaying these thoughts into words but just ventinnnng. 
 