I’ve been diagnosed with gender dysphoria, anxiety and depression. And my therapist said I’ve probably got ASD but the official diagnosis route is annoying to do so it hasn’t been done. I’m also suicidal.

As much as I want to die, unfortunately my family loves me so I can’t kill myself and cause them pain. Having a conscience is annoying. 

But I spend all my time trying to distract myself, watching a movie, reading a book, playing a video game etc. And the minute I try and do something else, I’m planning on going to the kitchen and slitting my jugular vein. 

I know I should get better to stay alive but at some point there came a moment where I wanted to die more than I wanted to fix what was making me miserable. And now all I want to do is die. I have no motivation to do anything else. I can’t get out of bed. Pretty much the only thing that can get me out of bed is my bladder. 

So I can barely get out of bed, and even if I can, I spend the rest of the time engrossing myself in another world to try and forget the reasons I should die. But it takes up all my time. I can’t get a job for money, I can’t go to school. I’m basically just a husk draining my family of money, time and happiness in their attempt to keep me from killing myself. And the only reason I haven’t killed myself is because they’d be sad if I died. But if I can’t do anything and I’m draining my family of everything that makes them happy and healthy, I’m doing bad either way. 

So other suicidal people who can’t kill themselves because they have a conscience. How do you function in society?