I find it hard to accept that I have anxiety because I usually just feel nothing. I would describe it more as "extreme hesitancy" or "aversion." For some backstory, I quit my job earlier this year after overdosing on my medication (I take 100mg sertraline). I've been freelancing but have basically failed. My savings are running out.

I'm forcing myself to apply for new jobs. I know exactly what I need to do and I can force myself to do it all. I am good at getting things done. In the positive part of my mind, I want to move somewhere new and become more active (biking, skating). However, I also feel there's nothing wrong with how I've been living. I enjoy living in isolation. Part of the issue earlier this year was because I was "anxious" about going back to work in the office. Being around people is stressful. I tried therapy for my aversion to going outside last year, but I realized I don't want to or wasn't ready to change. Even I am confused about my own intentions.

Today, I made a list of the reasons why I don't like going outside and I understand that they're illogical. Because I don't have panic attacks, I don't really fit the definition for agoraphobia. Still, it's hard even for me to do basic things. I usually stay in until I need to pick up my prescription or get more toilet paper. I have groceries delivered. I don't really know what to do... like I said, therapy doesn't help. I just force myself to live. I will get a new job and I will accomplish my goals. But will I ever want to genuinely go outside? Will I ever change? I guess I just want to know if anyone else can relate or if you have suggestions or insight into what the fuck is wrong with me.