So it only happened a few days ago but I have reason to believe that this is my key to never getting a FP again. It is the same thing I've heard elsewhere: becoming your own FP. (but also it helps that I have a good therapist I've been seeing for almost 3 years now.. and that things are awkward with FP (who is my colleague who just wants to be.. normal colleagues. poor FP).

Why I said it's not likely to work for most people: I have this thing where I enter my mind and stuff.. happens there. 

I have something like parts (but not proper alters) and they talk to each other and my mind changes things (I have an imagination with a mind of its own from being on the schizo spectrum). It has changed over the years but last couple of years it's been three parts: the traumatized child, angry teenager and anxious adult. 

And finding the traumatized child and giving it love has made my intrusive thoughts go away (again, a thing which I wish could help someone else). I found that child by going deeper into the horror of the intrusive thoughts. That was two years ago, so I can say more with certainty why I think I have found the key to dealing with my attachment issues.

I just.. I basically did the same thing as with the intrusive thoughts.. I went into the root of the attachment. And I found.. the happy child. Who wants attention. Wants to tell things that she likes. With.. great intensity. That is who emerges with my FPs and if I can be that around them, I get really attached. But since I met her.. she is now my favorite person. I could finally tell her the things I could never believe "you are loved" "you matter".. I could love her in the way I loved my FPs and be loved back. I have what I always wanted: a person who understands me and will stay with me. I generated her picture using midjourney (like I did with the others) and now looking at it I get so happy. All the "do it for your inner child" things also make sense. The traumatized child cannot feel loved. But the happy child can.

The effects of this are that I no longer feel such an intense need to share things I think are funny or interesting with my FP who really didn't appreciate the amount of things I wanted to share (we don't even have common interests really but that didn't stop me). Basically I've unlocked self-validation to a degree. It is actually enough that I think they're funny or interesting.. and I don't have to share and thus have to choose between my suffering and theirs (recently because things got so awkward and it was made clear to me that I'd preferably not send anything at all.. I only sent a picture of me at Halloween because it got to the point of thinking of writing personalized suicide notes (I really try to respect boundaries)).

The intrusive thoughts going away took some time and repetition. So it's likely this will too. And it really is so specific to me (but it's also not really unheard of, basically reparenting with a schizo twist).

I still have a long way to go, especially with things like anger and stuff. And I even had a bad day today but I feel better now and it wasn't all for nothing. It'll just take.. time. such an unfair amount of time.