So I reconnected this year with an old friend who I had a falling out with a few years ago (we’re both 22yr old women). She and I were friends, then had a romantic relationship that ended kind of sourly due to her being reckless with my heart, ultimately choosing another girl instead of me who she is still with now. I was 18 at the time. I was also really depressed and dealing with a lot of shit so I was kind of a mess at times back then— would get drunk and embarrass myself, etc. 

Now we’re buddies again, and all is good. But I still do look up to her quite a bit and value her opinion of me a lot. I do this thing where I think I know exactly what she must think of me and project my insecurities onto her. Like I assume that she must still see me as the cringey messy 18 year old I used to be. I think part of it is that nowadays we only talk over text (long distance), so I feel like I can’t truly show her how much I’ve changed, how i look better and act better now. I sometimes really spiral thinking about how embarrassed I am by my past and the idea that someone might still perceive me as that person. 

Does anyone else do this? This projecting of your own insecurities to the point where you think you know exactly what someone else is thinking? Sometimes I wish I could just get her to tell me everything she loves about me so I can know, because otherwise I just wonder and wonder “why does she even want to talk to me?”

Sorry for this rant. I just get so caught up in this to the point where I feel like all these thoughts must be true and I feel such deep shame about myself. 

TL;DR - do you tend to obsess over the idea that people who you admire are probably perceiving you negatively?