
I want to start by stressing that I'm not proud of my actions.

My boyfriend is my FP, which is wonderful when things are good and catastrophic when they aren't.
He was home at my place and he wasn't supposed to leave until tomorrow, but suddenly, he declared he needed to go home early bc he needed something from home for his school project/homework and that he'd take the next bus home (which left in like 15 minutes).
I freaked out. I felt like he abandoned me. I started shaking and told him to pack his things and go then, if that's what he wanted. I tried to not go full psycho before he left bc I am not a pleasant person when that happens. He's done this before and he knows how I react (I know that doesn't excuse my actions), so he got worried and waited to leave until the last moment before the bus came (that sentence is worded very strangely, English is not my first language I'm sorry)... Which means he just... Stood there... And then I couldn't contain myself anymore. I started crying and hyperventilating and scratching at myself. I told him this freak out was going to happen whether he waited to leave or not, that I was going to sit alone with all these feeling when he left, and then I told him to just fuck off and get it over with. He told me he had to do his school work and it was unfair that he had to feel guilty about it,which it is, I know that. Before he left he begged me not to hurt myself, the poor guy had tears in his eyes... 
The first thing I did when he left was hurt myself though. I even relapsed and cut myself... The next time he sees me I'm going to have bruises on my legs and cuts on my arm, and he'll feel horrible.

I hate myself for this. He's a really really good guy, not perfect, but he's overall very patient with me and I love him to bits.

I am toxic and abusive and he deserves so much better. I'm so scared he'll get sick of this and leave me, and I can't even blame him, it's my own fault. I can't breathe, I don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I'm going to die, and all I want to is to keep hurting myself