First off, I want to say that I have no sense of self or stability. I've found this problem started since I was about mid 20s.

I've barely known the guy, we only knew each other for not even a month but I haven't stopped thinking about him since this past October. It's not healthy to be this consumed by someone you've known for such a short time and still feel almost the same way as when they left.

He's done the most damage out of every guy I've ever met. And he was a sense of comfort, too. He gave me closure but despite that, my soul has never felt at ease. Even with guys that never gave me closure, I feel more attached to him than them. 

I will literally sit down and think about him the whole day. The situation, why I chose him, what made him choose me, why he did me wrong, if I deserved it, him, intimate moments we shared, the way he humiliated me, the way he chose to leave, etc. I will sit and thinking about it until mental exhaustion.

Let me say...nothing in my external reality has changed. He left that day and never came back. And I don't think he will but low-key, I am secretly hoping he would. I haven't communicated with him since then. And the longer we don't communicate, the fact as of a chance he will ever come back. I don't even know how I would cope if he ever did. 

Here I am chasing a ghost...holding on desperately to breadcrumbs.