Its been over 5 years since a 5 year relationship I had ended. Since then, I feel like I've actually gotten worse and worse at being open to love again. At first I was a wreck in all the usual ways that a breakup hits you, and those aspects have gotten better (I no longer think of getting back with her or become a wreck when I think about her). In the traditional ways of "getting over" an ex, I've done it, and the pain of it all mostly feels behind me. Except that, I've ended up becoming super closed off to new girls -- I very much compare them to my ex, and what really, really sucks, is that my ex had so many good qualities that are extremely rare each, and seemingly impossible to find a combo of. I feel like I'm looking for someone who more or less is a copy of my ex. And because I can't find that, I've just become more and more closed off. 

I used to date, and since covid started I really haven't. If I were to chart out on a graph how much I've actively tried dating since, it peaked a few months after breaking up with that ex, and has been on a steady downhill until flatlining when covid started. 

In short, I feel like instead of healing, I grew an emotional scar tissue so thick over my eyes that it's blinding me. And I don't know how to undo it -- because the cynicism I feel towards dating feels almost like it's...wisdom? Except it's so damn cynical that I know it's crippling me emotionally and preventing me from finding somebody new. 

What the hell can I do about this? Regular CBT therapy didn't help. DBT seems to have worn off (I don't really do the skills on my own now that I'm no longer in DBT therapy). Is this some sort of soft-version of a trauma response that I should see a trauma therapist about? Relationship therapist? Like, it actively feels like it's getting worse and worse as time goes on, not better. 

Long post, thanks for reading.