I think the reason I haven’t gotten past it is because of how badly it ended. I told him about my childhood, and suddenly i wasn’t “ready for a relationship” anymore.  Even though he was the one that rushed me and pushed for it, even though I needed more time. Then he told everyone at our workplace that I was crazy.  

I get that. He broke up with a huge paragraph and wasn’t responding, so like an idiot, I spammed him.  Like 300 messages spammed him. I don’t even know why I was so afraid of him leaving, but things couldn’t have gone worse. It evolved from the guys at my job talking about me being crazy, to me being called a slut around the workplace.  Oh my god, i could go on and on about how bad this was.  To make things worse, he told me I was just like his mother (she’s unstable, an alcoholic, and put his family through a lot).  

I feel like I deserve all this because I pushed him away a lot during the relationship and I kept thinking that he didn’t care about me. But now I’m not even sure if he ever did. I practically begged him to take me back, and I offered to go to therapy because I had been self-harming  and was feeling suicidal. He basically said that I should’ve gone when he had asked me to before.  He also said he’s pretty sure he doesn’t want to try things again.  But this has always been on my mind, giving me false hope.  I don’t know how to let go, I don’t know how to forgive him or myself. 

I did go to therapy and that’s how I even learned about this disorder. And apparently I also have ADHD so I’m sorry if this is all over the place. 

If you read this far, thank you. I’m going to go have  a drink because that’s the only thing that helps. Any advice or kind words appreciated :(