Hey guys, this may be a long post, but I really need to get something off my chest and hopefully I find that one piece of advice that changes my outlook on life.

I'll admit it. I've been coddled and handheld my whole life. I don't really want to label my parents as helicopter parents, but I think that's kind of how they raised me. I had to ask permission for everything and they often micromanaged me. I didn't mind much. I never really had to pay for anything as everything was passed down to me (clothes and etc) and financial aid paid for my college expenses. I never had to really work hard for anything in my life as long as I performed in school.

I graduated college with a B.S. in CS about a year ago. Should've been a happy time but COVID said no. The main problem with this however is that I've done fucking nothing with it ever since. I wanted to take a mental break after college because I felt burnt out, but honestly this is where I started to ruin my own life and felt even shittier.

I don’t know if I’m making excuses but I tend to compare myself to others a lot. I’m one of the first of my friends to graduate so I think I have time, but really I’m just wasting time. I see some of my hs friends landing internships while I didn’t do any. I have no experience. I feel like I don’t have the same ambitions as others and I thought that was okay but I’m starting to feel like it’s not.

It's not like I didn't try applying. I've applied to SWE job postings as that was the expected job to go into with my degree.  I do get some interviews and I guess this is where the anxiety starts. I'm normally fine with HR interviews and normal conversation but when it gets into tech interviews where they ask me to perform technical skills, I freeze up and I literally just shut up and fumble on everything. I've even had an interviewer basically tell me "You have a C.S. Degree, you should be able to do this.". While that person probably did not have bad intentions, I really think that line of dialogue has traumatized me to this day. Nowadays, whenever I try applying for jobs, I literally get a headache and cry to myself a bit since I know I know nothing compared to the others who are applying, and whenever I try to learn, I guess I get a little too overwhelmed and I literally don't know what to do.

Now that a year has passed, my parents probably are getting a little concerned for me and how long it's taking. Don't get me wrong, they're saints. If anything I'm the bad one for taking my sweet ass time. They're telling me to apply for 5-6 jobs a day and eventually someone will call me. They're not wrong, if anything they're totally right. But like I said before, even one posting is enough to trigger myself and even get myself to tears. Now I can see the worry in my parent's tone and face, and this just gets me even more guilty. I've tried talking to them about my anxiety and how I'm feeling but they're telling me that it's nothing compared to what they had to do when they were younger. And you know what, they're right. I know they have good intentions and nothing they're saying is wrong, but this has led me to just crying to myself in the bathroom pretty much semi-daily and how much of a disappointment I am. If my sibling was their only child, I'm sure they would be much much happier with nothing to worry about.

Now you're probably wondering what I'm doing with my free time. My parents are in their retired age so I try do anything in my power to help them by being their chauffeur and doing house chores for them. I enjoy doing this as its my way to give back to them. But they constantly remind me about work and I know that's probably the ultimate way to get them proud. ... But I really just can't do it. I've probably applied to 30-50 jobs at the most in the past year while my parents probably think I'm in the hundreds. Whenever I'm not helping them, I literally just pace around in my room thinking of how much of a disappointment I am and when I get myself to tears, I just lock myself in the bathroom. **I'm fucking 23.** and I'm acting like a damn man-child. I've distanced away from my friends as games were the only thing linking me and them and I've given up games to help me with my job search, but I've just replaced my gaming time with anxiety/crying time.

I really don't know what to do man. I'm a disappointment to my parents, leeching off of them. I constantly remind them to just take the money I've saved up from scholarship and unemployment from my part time jobs but they told me its my money. They're saint's really, but I can't take my next steps in life and I know I'm disappointing them. I'm really sorry..