This morning I had to drive through a fairly big city in the UK. I’m not very used to driving in big cities. I’ve driven so badly today that 3 times (3 fucking times !!) I almost had an accident. One situation wasn’t entirely my fault but still I should have reacted better. the 2 other situations were my fault 100%. And the worse is that I was trying to be careful. I wasn’t on my phone or anything, I was trying my best, I was focused… I was awake. My brain is just stupid and shitty. 

It ended up being all ok, nothing happened. No accident, no one was hurt, nothing. I’m so grateful. But honestly the guilt is horrible. I drove like one of those asshole I get annoyed at. I can’t get over i feel so sorry for the people who had to deal with me / Break for me. 

I was alone so I couldn’t pass the car over to someone. I stopped a couple of time to rest but I was juste bad even while being rested. I was so stressed it was even worse. Once I was on familiar roads I was better.

I never thought myself as a dangerous driver. I never drive above the speed limit, I always try my best to respect the rules. I never pass when I’m slightly unsure it’s 100% safe… it’s so hard to deal with the guilt I have for  been so bad today. 

I’ve been really depressed lately despite my meds. I felt the depression creeping on me again recently. Slowly. I know it so well. I thought the meds would free me from it as they have for a while now. But Today is the first time in 1.5 years i m contemplating killing myself again. I won’t do it. I’m a coward.

Im so sorry society for being so stupid and useless. I hate myself so much.