Getting out of depression needs work which I am unable to put effort into. I am seeing a company provided therapist,  all she does is to praise me for my good efforts which I think are normal (like you know, not doing a reply-all when I am upset with a colleague). I am too poor to afford a therapist myself.

I want to switch therapist but I also feel bad about it and I wonder if my company will notice me switching. I dislike journaling in a "single source" because of privacy reasons - there are so many online backdoors nowadays and offline options are not good enough as I don't live alone, I am scared others will read my journal. At least if this one got read by someone I know irl, it is just one page. One entry.

I used to have a good psychologist, but she was too expensive and felt I progressed enough to not need her help. I learn from her that I can't be depressed for no reason - which is true. I just didn't want to admit the source. Today, I am depressed because I made a mistake at work. I may look like I don't care about work on the surface but the truth is I take failings personally, so personally I feel numb and helpless about it. I need some some guidance for this. I feel that there's something wrong with me psychologically to feel defeated by a mistake, which was in good faith. I am also thinking about the past mistakes I think and how it is gonna repeat again... Because I didn't want to put in the effort to change.

Another thing that bothered me is my new psychiatrist. I was supposed to have an appointment with him a few days ago. It was pushed back by a month...And before that I called him asking him for help to top up my insomnia medications but I hasn't been sleeping well and I am suffering from a loss of appetite. He didn't get back to me on meeting me ad-hoc. He is a very busy busy doctor I guess. At least my last psychiatrist will squeeze out time for me, staying back a little later so he could see me for 10 minutes when I told him the medication isn't working for me and I want to change back to my old meds. 

All this little tiny disasters in my life has sap me of my motivation, my energy, my appetite (I often skip meals or eat very little) and I don't even know what to do now. My depression will kill my career and academic prospects. But I don't know if I can even help myself anymore. I am passively suicide - thinking about ending it whenever a tiny disaster came.

The fact that my psychiatrist appointment was pushed back by a month bother me. I am trying my best not to take it personally but I can't. I needed help for my insomnia, I asked for it, I had a talk with him, but no help came. My therapist isn't helpful either.

Just wishing all this will end.