my depression has been getting worse lately and i just want to rant. I try to keep my mind busy each day by going to school and work to forget about it but when I go to sleep all the negative thoughts come out. I've lost interest in everything and isolated myself from friends bc i get easily drained. i even dont come out of my room. ngl i do enjoy being by myself but I also get lonely when I'm not with my friends. i feel like im losing friends bc of my depression. i only have one close friend (it's super hard for me to make any friends) and i feel like we drifted a bit bc im often not in the mood to talk and ignore her msgs. we still talk online but not as often as before bc i have nothing interesting in my life to talk about either. im often worrying about how im a super boring friend.  i havent talked to anyone about my depression bc I really prefer to keep things to myself, it's hard for me to open up. my mom is the only know who knows about it but I don't like discussing with her about it. I did rant about my depression to some online friends once but they were telling me  how it's just a phase. like thanks a lot my 10+ yrs struggling with depression is just a joke just gonna tell myself to stop being depressed

I wake up almost everyday feeling sad and in  a bad mood with no appetite. i dont really eat that much as i feel like throwing up. it's worse when u have anxiety too. I have completely lost interest in everything I once had interest in.  my mood and is often up and down as small things can ruin my mood. i have very low self esteem esp in terms of my appearance (eyebags, acne), very very terrible eyesight, and terrible grades (I haven't passed an exam since 2 yrs ago). I really have no motivation to do anything at all... i struggle with sleep too i usually sleep at 4am and wake up at 3pm bc my mind is always full of thoughts. even right now typing this post makes me anxious  with the fear of being judged although nobody truly cares or know who I am.

I often feel worthless and unworthy of love and feel like nobody cares about me. I sometimes think about the worst case scenarios of how ppl would react if I were to be in an accident and died. would they care or would they pretend I don't exist? each day I overthink about how people perceive me. i find it hard to even open up and be honest with my close friend now bc of my depression. i feel like I'm bothering ppl with my presence. ppl irl often tell me how happy i look but in reality i try really hard to hide it. very rarely am I truly happy, it never lasts for a long time 

I'm not suicidal at all i don't want to die but I also don't want to live. every day i wake up waiting for the day to pass by and it seems so dreadful. I don't even have a purpose  or goal in  life anymore. depressed thoughts keep cycling back to me every night..