Hello!! Welcome ( ͡\~ ͜ʖ ͡°) Jumping right into it! so I recently realized/learned I have bpd. My psychiatrist knew for awhile and didn't tell me that's what is was. Even though it so obviously is!! I've been seeing a doc for years for ADHD. Since I was young. I suspected I have bpd after I read up on it during an episode before she even told me. I was like wait hold up so most people don't suffer like this??  Actually had to ask twice and she lied to me the first time I asked like wtffff. lol so I've read online doctors don't like diagnosing bpd because of the stigmas surrounding this disorder and cause so many people are uneducated about it. Also it may be to much for the doctor to handle. Damn sometimes I feel like a freaking disease or something y'all. I deeply apologize for saying y'all. I knew this disorder was a thing but I didn't have an opinions on it or anything. Rightfully so, I really had no idea what it actually was. I started looking into the cause behind my steadily deteriorating mental health. It got really really bad at some points within the last 3 years or so. I moved to Manhattan for college stuff. I dropped out 3 weeks in. I started sleeping 15-18 hours or so a day. Real shit man. Waking up only to binge watch anime, order 2 or 3 combo McDonalds meals, Full large pizzas, trays of wings supposed to feed 10 people /You name it, I ate it/ soda, milkshakes everyday. EVERYDAY. Eating tiLL I was terribly sick, would vomit for hours on and off sometimes. My healthy weight is 120 pounds. I used to be very in shape when I did crew like rowing in high school. I'm almost back to how I was before minus the stretch marks. I gain and lose weigh very rapidly. I gained 30/40 (flocculate) pounds in less than 2 months. I felt disgusting (not hating on bigger people) just I was very very unhealthy. I literally took 30 steps a day for 2 months. It was really bad. I'm bipolar and have bpd. Other such incidents have happened but that was one that stood out to me. I barely remember anything from the past few years. Before 3/4 years ago? Don't remember anything before freshman year. ugh. So yeh there is a lot more to my story and at least for right now, my rehabilitation. Pardon my digression but I do have a question/s for anyone out there!!! People of r /BPD!!! Beautiful souls who reside within this lovely reddit community.  Who knows more about the psychology behind this disorder in relation to the "favorite person" phenomenon? I've had a FP for a very long time. Had no fucking clue what a FP was till very recently; no idea it was like a thing !!! associated with bpd. I was like omg what okay sure this makes sOOo0o much sense because the love and dedication I feel for this incredible beyond belief human life form is soooooo intense. Totally all consuming man. This person has been my #1 for basically as long as I can remember because I can only remember that I was living and breathing air after age 10/11 hA. Yeah so they are someone I think of on a daily basis. Ok you got me it's totally more than that lol I want nothing more than to make this person happy. If making them happy as much as possible was the only thing I achieve in my entire life I would have no regrets. So why? ?? Why is this a thing? I literally can not bring myself to stop feeling the way I do about my best friend of 10 years. It hurts. It hurts every damn day. They are the kindest person I have ever met so at least the "make or break" your day deal0 is not as terrible as it could be for me. I've tried everything though. We are the same sex. I do love this person romantically, not so much sexually but it's so much deeper than that. A much deeper, much purer type of love. The love that sometimes has been the only reason I could wake up in the morning (not talking about those 2 months I didn't see the sun really for weeks at a time) I like them romantically and they do know this (only 6 months back - took me a very long time to find the courage to!! yeah I'm lame) aND they don't feel the same way at all. I told them because we are so honest with each other but I knew what her response would be. I put her happiness before anything else. I only want whatever my FP is happy/comfortable with even if that means life without me by their side. Even so, !! I'm so so scared she is going to leave me and I'm going to fall into that seemingly bottomless pit again. I'm terrified everyday. I'm terrified I'll lose control and put myself in physical danger if she left. AwE man this is really tough. I would really love advice on how to stop feeling the way I feel.  Why am I this way?? Maybe knowing why will help me. I have hopeeeee I want to calm tf down and have a normal love for my friend. Thank you so so so much for reading if you made it this far omg!! F-20. USA baby I'm here if anyone wants to dm wheneverrr! :) Be strong &amp; stay safe for me, my loves.