Hi, I am reaching out to talk about my recent break up. My girlfriend, A, has been suffering from anxiety, depression, and a fear of abandonment. She has been diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. Recently, I wasn’t strong enough to keep myself from being frustrated and hurt by the things she does. She has periods of high moods and low moods and it hurts me when she goes from a high mood to a low mood and back. I didn’t feel listened to, and I expressed that to her about 4 days who. We had a big discussion about how she should get therapy and she knows she should, but she isn’t ready. She told me she has negative experiences with therapy and refuses to go because her past experiences didn’t help her and her previous boyfriends weren’t patient enough. I told her I would be different and I would be patient but she wouldn’t do it. 

I was frustrated because I was not seeing progress in the way that I wanted, and I wasn’t seeing action towards trying to receive help for our relationship. I was going through therapy to better help us, but she wasn’t. Because I was frustrated and hurt, I asked for a break. This triggered her fear of abandonment and said she doesn’t take breaks because of her past negative experiences with breaks. I told her I just needed time to myself to come back better for her and she asked to stop talking to me. This is a direct reaction, because people who fear abandonment would often leave you before you can leave them. She felt as if I was leaving her, but I wasn’t. 

I, however stupidly agreed. The next morning I realized my mistake and reached out to her and reassured her that I was not leaving her and that she would come back because I would make her feel safe. She said no, and how I was like her previous partners, and blocked me. I left her more encouraging notes to be strong and I was ready to take her back when she was done healing, but she blocked me on the other platforms as well that next day. So far, it’s been 4 days and 2 days with no contact. 

I want to make sure she knows that she can come back to me and that I miss her and I love her and I am ready to make her feel safe again, but I fear that I may be waiting too long. This leaves me with two questions. 

1. Should I try to reach out to her again? This time by voice call, which is what we normally talk with. If so, how long should I wait? All I’ve done so far is change my profile picture to a drawing of us together in a video game that she drew. It meant a lot to us and I hope she sees it, it’s a very minimal way to tell her I’m still here. 

2. If I should reach out to her, I will tell her that I understand why she doesn’t want to talk to me, and it’s because she feels I have left her by asking for a break. I would reassure her that I have not left her and that I needed some time to be better for her. I would say that I am feeling better and I want her to come back to me so I can take care of her. I would tell her that she doesn’t need to go to therapy and I wouldn’t ask her to again. I would tell her that she doesn’t have to be nervous about what happens when she comes back because I would love her the same way I always loved her and I would take care of her and make her feel safe again. I would tell her that I’m not like her last boyfriends because I didn’t need her to take care of me, and I want to take care of her instead. I am not immature or irresponsible and I love her dogs and I just want to hold you and take care of you. I would tell her that I miss her and I understand if she needs more time to come back to me. I would tell her that I am willing to work this out, even if we have to start over or take small steps at her pace to get back to where we were. I would tell her that we can get through this together and that my arms are open for her to come back so I can make her feel safe again. I would tell her that I never left her.

If I should try to reach her one more time, I would like it if someone who has experience with my mistakes to filter my words here so I don’t mess it up. I really want her back. As I write this, I think I may have a fear of abandonment myself or maybe an attachment problem. 

Thank you all