Hi everyone, this is my first post on here so I’ll try to keep it as short as possible. 

I (21F) moved back home in early august after dropping out of university. 

I don’t really know where to start so I’ll just type until it makes some sense. 

At home it’s just my mum and I. My mum used to be a really angry woman from what I remember (I say that because I doubt a lot of my childhood feelings/experiences) but she has calmed down a lot since going through the menopause. 

When I was younger, I remember my mum shouting at me and I’d just stand there and stare and never say anything because I was scared. I’d worry for years up until I was about 18 of doing anything that my mum would disapprove of and she’d shout at me. Sometimes she wouldn’t shout and she’d go silent instead. Sometimes for days. And I inevitably felt like it was always my fault (even when sometimes it wasn’t). Whenever I used to ask if she was okay, she’d say she was fine but continue to be completely silent and not talk to me. So, I gave up asking. She then used to shout at me for not asking if she was okay and that me always thinking she was mad was wrong because she apparently wasn’t. 

For over 10 years I’ve been walking on egg shells around my mum. I could tell what kind of mood she’d be in by the way she closed the front door or how she texted me. 

Even now, I can feel her stress emanating from her and I always feel like I have to fix it (but I never attempt to out of anxiety and fear). 

I came out of a psych ward nearly a month ago so I’ve been taking it easy and recognising what makes my depression and anxiety worse and my mum knows this. I feel like I can feel her judgement when she walks in and I’m not doing something that’s deemed productive. Granted I’m usually on my phone or playing games on my computer - but that’s the only thing I have the energy or motivation to do. 

Another thing, growing up I didn’t have a room until I was about 16. I didn’t utilise it because I wasn’t used to having a room. When I moved back home in august, I naturally found myself retreating to my room but constantly feeling incredibly anxious about how much time I’ve spent in my room as opposed to the living room where my mum is. 

Today, my mum is stressed because she has a small business. She couldn’t find something and started getting all huffy-puffy about it and I couldn’t help but feel like I was supposed to fix it and make her feel better. But I was also too anxious to even help her look in case she was like “no I don’t need your help” (but it’s always said with a tone). 

I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s getting so unbearably overwhelming. Help.