Ok, u will have to forgive me i am incredibly emotionally stupid, so it's taken me almost 20 years to figure this out.

Been married for almost twenty years, and yes it's embarassing to say it's been horrible since the first day of marriage.  Aside from deep issues i have only recently thought about, the first 6 years of our marriage was marked by a bizzare relationship she had with her family, specifically her mother.  I also must confess that i have stayed for really bad reasons, financial stability and the kids.

To put it bluntly, she has no use for me in her life, physically or emotionally.  I am a companion of last resort.  Unless i want to hear her complain about her job, she has no use for me.  It is "duty sex" and "duty attention".  She has no interest in me or my life, with the exception of telling a marriage counselour years ago that "my job in life was to make her's easier".  We live in the same house, but lead separate lives.  I am a room mate that she expects to be useful in her life.  In counseling she made up excuses for why things were the way they were.  

She has confessed during some painful episodes during the marriage that she has issues with men.  When she is a very young child, she is separated from her father as they attempt to leave a communist country. He is detained and her and her mother and grandmother are allowed to leave.  My understanding was this was at least a two to three year period away from her father.  She also readily admits that she is is passive aggressive, has terrible self esteem and relates the issue with her father that "she can't leave a man".



After reading about abandonment issues and bpd in woman, i suspect that she fears love and intimacy it is what she fears or does not want.  It is also clear to me, that the sex and attention that was doled out to me while we were dating was not love, but what she needed to to do get a victim.  

While i am not proud of this, at about the 11 year mark i begin cheating, she would catch me 3 years later.  She retained an attorney, yelled and screamed for one day, then for a period of four weeks fucked my brains out.  She kept repeating over and over during this time "boy did u get even with me".  She admitted that she sexually and emotionally neglected me, even going so far as to say "i drove you to do this".  After about a month i asked her if she wanted to stay together, she said yes.  Of course the sex and attention came to an end almost immediately.  I only mention this as it astonishes me, that for a period of a month, she turned on the switch and became the girl friend i married.  


Without the outlet of sex or any attention from others, i have become deeply, deeply clinically depressed for years now.  


What do i do now?  Why am i here?  Was i chosen because i had low self esteem?




