I have a bunch of brothers and relatives and some friends but honestly the only one I would care about being sad about this is my mom. She knows this. I haven't truly enjoyed life in years and I am waiting for the day she is gone. I keep trying to find things to do in life. I am starting to pick up old hobbies I enjoyed and I have a plan for the future but I still know that once she is dead I will definitely do it. I do all these things because I promised her I would try to become happy. I don't see a point in living and I haven't for than 5 years now. Everything turns to shit in my life and covid made it all fucking worse. I don't know what to do. I was in therapy  before the pandemic but I quit it once it became annoying cause they switched to over the phone and I don't see a point in going back. I just want the strength to do it whether my mom is alive or not. I just don't know anymore.