With everyone in my life, I’ve been extremely caring and compassionate. The empathetic feelings I have for others are definitely real, too. People tell me that I am a wonderful authentic person. But for some reason my serious romantic relationships have always been exempt from my kindness. 

I try to tell those who are close to me that I’m not like this with everyone. That with partners I’ve always been cruel, critical, manipulative, downright abusive. I won’t show evidence because it’s embarrassing so I feel like nobody believes me. Even my therapist may not know the extent of how awful I am.

I have said some awful things to my husband  (and every partner before that). I’ve actively tried to hurt his feelings and I have had emotional breakdowns in front of him. Afterwards when I re-read what I’ve said I tell him how sorry I am and why I was reaching for mean words, but the damage to his well being is done. Now he’s done. He left me. I deserve it! And yet everybody feels bad for me because all they see is the sacrifices I’ve made for him and they think I’m a good person, which I’m not. It’s my fault.

I don’t feel like a good person and I’m sick of people treating me like one.