I need you to tell me what you think I'm in the process of seeing a psychiatrist 

* My memory is really bad I experience extreme brain fog 
* I am on auto pilot everything feels far away and the whole day trapped in thoughts
* I get intrusive thoughts 
* I find my "life calling" every 2-3 weeks
* In 2017 I had 1 month where I felt nothing but energy and the world seemed so exciting I had no symptoms of anxiety or depression but I was sleeping less I would wake up at 5 am to do gardening and then stay up until 2-3 am I felt alive. Then out of the blue I started to have what felt like a break down I got so anxious I turned to religion to help me but then I got to the point where I was obsessed about it the only thing I would read was the bible and Christian social media I started getting intrusive thoughts and the suicidal thoughts were at there strongest at this point. I was convinced I was hell bound I felt nothing but pure fear I then started to think I must become pure because this must be my calling I started looking up apologetics and evangelism and was convinced I was in training to convert people I was convinced god was sending subtle messages trough social media all pointing to me being a prophet/ evangelist all of this happens in the span of 3 months then as time went by slowly I began to look back and noticed that I should tell a psychiatrist about This
* At one point it felt like I had a separate stream of thoughts that I could not control 
* I am convinced I will go to hell because I am not a perfect Christian 
* Sometimes I explode in an intense rage and end up hurting myself and saying things I regret
* Thoughts so loud it's like I can hear them 
* Song or speech will replay in my head over and over and over 
* When I was in school I would stay away from all the male teachers because I was convinced they would do something to me and should not be trusted I eventually dropped out of high school
* Sometimes my ego is through the roof and it leads me to say stupid things and then it crashes and I feel horrible 
* I get brief 1-2 week long spurts were I think my family secretly hates me and wishes I was dead , it will start small and then my thoughts don't stop and then I snap on the ones I love convinced they don't care or love me and then when I cool off the next 2-4 days is a weird calm
* It feels like I "find out who I truly am" and then within a few weeks I am depressed and suicidal 
* I don't know who I am 
* I feel like a freak 
* I feel empty 
* I am so anxious I can't leave my house 
* Fibro gives me so much pain
* I keep hurting myself 
* I rather be dead than having to suffer like this for the rest of my life
* I think about suicide constantly 
* I feel uncomfortable in my skin
* My mood shifts constantly 
* I can't interact with people 
- [ ] It all feels fake Like I'm living in a movie
* Sometimes when I am really stressed I hear slight whispers or chatter 
* My views shift quickly 
* I feel bad like I am wasting professionals time
* I spend a lot of money on things/ hobbies I eventually get bored of
* I feel like what I went through is not bad enough to be classified as trauma 
* I am worry about things to the point it keeps me up at night like: my family dyeing , my siblings getting kid napped, people breaking into the house
* I have 0 friends I cut all ties