tw: suicide and self harm

it's been a few days since my attempt. i did it at about 2am, got back from the hospital at about 5, slept a few hours. when i woke up i started crying and kept at it the whole day. 

the next day i woke up and felt nothing. its like i was laying on broken glass before, and now i threw this thick blanket over it and laid down again. i know they're there. my emotions. but everything feels so foggy, distant. i feel all my emotions in the back of my head, literally, it's like this pressure on the nape of my neck.

i felt like this before sometimes, but usually not to this extent. i would self harm to make myself feel something again and im considering that now. but i dont know, maybe im better off like this.

my relationship ended because of my attempt. i lost any bit of privacy i had left at home, cant close the door to my room, cant do shit. and i simply do not give a fuck about any of that. i cant make myself care. 

the only worry i have is that all the built up emotions will hit me one day and i wont make it. but for now, im just an emotionless slab of bones and meat, doing his silly little work, reading his silly little books, pretending like nothing is wrong.



maybe i died, maybe i didnt make it to the hospital in time, and those are just hallucinations before my brain turns off. i wonder what happens next.