I've not been single in 4 years, since I lost my mother. Dated someone with BPD for 3 of those years and had a very toxic relationship. I then moved on to date an amazing person who was good for me in so many ways, but due to the relationship being 100x healthier I was complacent and selfish throughout, which among other things led to her leaving me. The relationship felt perfect to me even though we spiralled a lot, I feel like thats the best a relationship can be for me. I feel like she barely gave me a chance but she says I just didn't see the signs or take her struggles seriously enough. It's been a month and a half now and I still think about her all day. It's not even about our relationship at this point it's just the idolised view of a person, and then that person abandoning me. I started at the University that we were meant to go to together and I'm constantly looking around dreading seeing her.

She moved on and has got with a guy that I was super jealous of during our relationship which hurts even more. I don't know him but from descriptions of him he seems like exactly what I could have been if I didn't have BPD, didn't abuse substances for years, remained introverted. Every time we talked about him post breakup she'd compare us in ways that cut me so deeply. I can remain friends with her but I've decided based on everything that that probably isn't the best way for me to heal.

I haven't found another FP here yet but not for lack of socialising, I've been spending almost every waking moment here with different people. All my peers have been telling me that staying single for a while is the best thing for me, and while I agree, the second I meet someone that even remotely shows interest in me I will not be able to stop myself from obsessing over them. I almost think that in some ways that's healthier than obsessing over the past, it'll overwrite the old emotions because I've found someone new and shiny. 

Rambled a bit about my background / situation but the real reason I'm writing this is because I had a "perfect" day. I went to my lectures, ate well, exercised well, socialised, tidied my room, did washing, did some general admin, remained sober, meditated, wrote. I did everything I could and was relatively stable all day, but now it is late and I can't be around people I've just broken down and feel so hopeless. I did everything I could today and ticked every box and aim I had but still just feel empty without the love from an FP. I have no feeling of comfort, reliability, stability, home, anything like that. It feels like I'll never find another relationship that holds a candle to this past one, made even worse because it's all my fault. I was so complacent and selfish, and I know that I can change, I've already made progress, but she's gone. Thank you for reading this post if you got this far, it's a bit all over the place but writing it out this bluntly has helped me. If you have any advice or anything feel free to commet below, if not have a nice day :)