I assume that I have been afflicted with this disorder my whole life. When I was 15 years old - the dark symptoms began to show. My first relationship came to an end and I quickly turned manipulative and suicidal - suicidally manipulative.  


After that my relationships seemed normal - of course they were just the disorder taking a different form. I was so afraid of being abandoned that whenever I was in a relationship I would talk to other girls, so that I would have somebody else when the existing relationship ended. Talk about fearing being alone. 

Then I fell 'in-love' again, in reality I was co-dependent. Shortly after my 17th birthday the relationship spiraled out of control. After she cheated my self-hating anger became all-consuming and the dark symptoms were back ten-fold. I had several pseudo-suicide attempts and never sought out treatment. 

By time I was 18, I fell in love, again. This time I made sure I would not hurt the girl I loved. Of course I was super-co-dependent and practically spent everyday with my SO. It was great - but four months in I became jealous. This time my anger was not directed at her but at myself. I started becoming a heavy marijuana user. This led to being a heavy drinker - and abusing various drugs. 

My downward spiral was enough to make my SO leave me, although I was ultimately the one who ended the relationship. My life continued to spiral and I was subsequently arrested for DUI and 6 counts of possession. My drug use helped me to escape and 'not feel.' This lasted for about a year. Then one morning after binging with benzos the night before I broke down. I was suicidal once again, this time I admitted myself to a psychiatric unit where I stayed for a total of 9 days. 

While I was there I was diagnosed as Major Depressive and prescribed Zoloft and Wellbutrin. By the time I was discharged I felt like 'myself' a healthier version of myself. The next four months were the best of my life. I went back to university after my hospital stay and finished off the semester with a 3.8 gpa - I worked out nearly every day - Ate the best healthy food I could - and was ultimately content with my life.

Then everything fell apart - again.  A friend of mine was having her 21st birthday party. I have always been extremely attracted to her and we had been flirting for weeks before this ( even though she had a boyfriend.) She picked me up at the train station and threw me completely off guard when she said there was going to be a guy that she was interested in at her party - not her boyfriend, not me..

So I tried my best to maintain my composure, after all I was on the high dose of the happy pills ( which should not be mixed with alcohol.) I caved and popped an ativan to deal with the anxiety. 

Then I was thrown off my game again, she confessed her love for me and we started kissing. At this point my memory got fuzzy but for some reason she started hooking up with the aforementioned guy and I retreated back into my drug abuse. I began popping ativan like tic-tacs, and even drank. My memory from this point forward is practically non-existent but I remember sneaking out of her house trying to 'run-away' ultimately making my way back to the house and passing out. 

It has been over 6 months since that day.. I stopped taking my anti-depressants - smoked copious amounts of weed. This is my story, but I will not allow it to define my life. Today is day 1. Today I will get help.