**TW: sex, gaslighting**

My ex and I were together for four years. It was tumultuous. He had a porn addiction, it messed with our sex life and ruined my self esteem around him forever even when he "resolved" the issue. He had old videos of his ex/BABY MAMA doing things with him, lots of nudes of several exes, etc. He also recorded me while we were together without my consent. He confirmed he had a "preference" for Asian women which, first, hurt because I'm white, and second, disturbs me a bit because I feel like a lot of white men fetishize Asian women and I don't know where the line is between a preference and a fetish when it comes to race.

Anyway, he broke up with me for other reasons. I literally could never bring myself to end it with him, no matter how wrecked my trust and comfort was with him. But I did get over the breakup. Now, I have been dating a guy for almost a year and I love him. I thought he was a good guy, he's smart, he's sensitive and he validates my emotions, I've felt very safe with him lately. We have a good physical relationship but we don't see each other often for reasons beyond our control so I can't predict how things would be in that department if we saw each other regularly.

I had found his Twitter account months ago and found one NSFW account that he followed but it was also gaming related (Twitch streamer) and I just ignored it. I didn't assume he actually paid her and one Twitter account didn't seem like a massive issue. But I found his Twitter account again just now and he's removed his real name from it and he follows dozens of OnlyFans creators. Some of them also stream on Twitch but a lot of them don't. And a large portion of them are Asian. Plus, he follows several Asian women who don't appear to stream or sell nudes or anything but they primarily post suggestive selfies.

I can't do it. Paying for porn is a hard boundary for me. Giving money to another woman to see her body is absolutely cheating, imo. It makes me worry that I will never be enough. I think it's an indication of a porn addiction as well. He complains that he doesn't have enough money and he acts like he desperately wants to save up and move because his current living situation is a big part of the reason we don't see each other often. He has told me he's not good with money but this is too far. I absolutely cannot let myself stay in this relationship. But I fucking love him and I'm just sitting here sobbing and he's asleep so I can't text him anyway but I don't want to end it with him and be empty again. My life was already falling apart again and I'm losing everything but now this... I'm nothing.

I want to say maybe I should give him the chance to delete everything and stop paying for it but how am I supposed to trust a man when it comes to porn after my ex gaslit me about something I saw to the point that I was crying and shouting, asking him if I had hallucinated, asking him if I was crazy and he just kept telling me I was wrong until I found a way to definitively prove I wasn't? And how am I ever again supposed to trust a man who thinks that giving money to other women for nudes isn't cheating? I don't think other couples who are okay with it are wrong, but it's my boundary, and I honestly think it's something that should be discussed ahead of time because it's such a grey area.

I know he's terrified of losing me, but not because I'm special. He also has an intense fear of abandonment and such low self esteem that I don't think he believes he can find anyone else. He will probably say anything to stop me from leaving. I've not yet caught him in a lie and he always says he has never lied to me but I'll be surprised if he doesn't try it now. I don't want to be empty again. Maybe I can just ignore all of it? I can't tell which option would be worse for me, staying or leaving. I'm just destroyed and dismayed.

The longer I sit here the more I just want to pretend I didn't see anything and let it eat away at me even though I know how poorly that will go and I know(?) I could find someone else and I know I need to leave him. I would ask someone to try to convince me to just leave him but I'll be totally honest, I don't know if it's possible to convince me. I don't know what I'm asking for here. Sorry for the long post.