hello. I joined reddit just to make this post, as my attempts at seeking support on other platforms have all been fruitless. 

I had a bad episode a few days ago. I got very angry, lost control, and said things worse than I even knew I was capable of saying. I took his weaknesses and exploited them. I’m ashamed and have felt overwhelming remorse since. The relationship started falling apart about a month or two ago. I had asked if he wanted to break up or take a break and the answer was always no. Then when I snapped on Tuesday, I said things awful enough to push him away for good. I was very suicidal during this episode too, and he stopped replying because, I assume, of how much I hurt him. 30 minutes later, the cops show up at my door and assess whether I need to be hospitalized. I was calm by the time the arrived but I was shaken really badly. Boyfriend didn’t call or text that night. I didn’t hear from him for two more days. Then on Friday, the breakup text came. 

I knew it was coming, really. I knew what I said was unforgivable. I’m angry with myself and scared of myself. He was the most loving and beautiful person id ever known. He was so patient and kind and selfless. He was like an angel, quite honestly. And the fact that I was capable of being such an abusive fuck to someone I loved so, so much and was so good just disgusts me. I’ve been blocked everywhere by him. There’s so much I want to say, and not excuses this time. There’s no excuse for anything I did in our relationship. But I just wish I could tell him how amazing he is. I never said it enough when we were together. How I hope he heals softly after everything I’ve done and is surrounded by kindness as it happens. How I hope he find someone who loves him the way he loved me. 

Before I met him, I thought I was broken. I couldn’t get close to people. I was incapable of intimacy. I didn’t connect with anyone. He changed my world. We talked about our future. Our dreams. Getting married. Spending our forever with each other. I was never that kind of person until I met him. Now that he’s gone, I don’t have anyone. I don’t really have friends, so I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. I feel like I can’t function. I can’t get out of bed or study or watch tv or read or distract myself any other way. All I can do is sit here and hate myself and cry. My pathetic ass has been sleeping in my mom’s bed every night since it happened because I spiral out of control when I’m alone. 

How do I forgive myself? Can I even forgive myself for being such a bad parson? :( How do I stop holding on to the stupid hope that he’ll come back? Because I know he won’t. I fucked up for good this time and I can’t bring myself to forgive myself. I don’t know what to do with myself. The lack of closure feels like a chasm in my chest. I’m just so overwhelmingly sad.