I guess I'm writing because I don't know what to do anymore. I feel both numb and horribly hurt inside. I'm crazy stressed out, I'm passively suicidal again (and I haven't been in years), and I want to self-harm like nothing else (also haven't done that in years). But I feel like I have nowhere to go.

My husband and I are moving in under 2 weeks, and I still have all the packing to do. Besides this, it means that now that I'm falling apart, I have no where and no one to go to. No therapist/psychiatrist could get me in in the next few weeks, so there's no help there. My husband's busy with wrapping up his work stuff, and I feel bad for constantly asking him to put my pieces back together.

So I sit here alone at home, not wanting to do anything but hurt myself and just cry. I feel broken, empty, useless.

I've been with my husband for almost 7 years - we just got married in May. And I just feel like the most horrible burden. I got diagnosed with Borderline in April (we suspected all along, but honestly, because of his training in psychology, neither one of us wanted to put "that" name on it).

And now I feel like I'm just proving all the reasons for the stigma true. I'm needy, and clingy. I'm not supporting him the way he needs either. I'm sucking energy and time out of him. I cried this morning when he left for work because it felt like an abandonment.

But by all accounts, we're doing great. We're moving states soon, hopefully buying a house within a few months, he just got a great, much higher paying job, and I have 2 job interviews coming up hopefully. Everything is going great, so why am I falling apart now? 

I've been mentally ill since I was 12. First depression, then bipolar II, and now finally borderline, where I really belonged all along. I thought I was fine, I thought I had some stuff to learn, I planned to start DBT after our move. But it's always been one long, slow climb upwards. And now I just fell into a valley and I don't know how to get out.

And it's terrifying. I thought I was past this - past passive suicidality and thoughts of self-harm. Past sitting numbly, staring off into nothing because I can't bring myself to do anything. In the past when I felt like this, I didn't care as much. But now I'm stable, I'm older, I'm a productive member of society. No one else can see this - I can't let them. 26 is too old for this bullshit, I'm not in college anymore, and I can't expect hand-holding.

I just don't want to put everything on my husband, but I don't know where else to put it. He told me the other night that he knows that I love him more than I love myself. And I just don't understand why he loves me at all lately. I just feel inherently unlikeable. Like a big lead balloon on what should be a really happy, exciting time in our lives. I feel like I'm dragging him down, and he deserves better than me. Or deserves to not have to keep dragging me along with him.

I don't know what to do. Any suggestions for just making it through? I'm hoping this will "break" and I'll be able to climb out of it, but I'm just kind of caught in this sneaky hate spiral. Does borderline move in "episodes", because this last week and a half has just been hell.

tl;dr: Was doing fine, now everything's falling apart and I feel more "mentally ill" than I have in years. How do I get through the next few weeks without horribly burdening my husband even more?