I need a better understanding of myself and figure out if my actions are related to BPD, that is why I'm making this post. I am not going to self diagnose I just need to understand. And sorry I feel that this post is not structured well. I'm writing the paragraphs like I'm listing points and also it might be long so you don't gotta read it. But those who do go ahead to read it, thank you in advance.

Over, the past year my personality has changed a lot. Yeah that's normal, your personality changes. But I have a feeling my changes are based off what other people find approving or pleasing. Eg, if my boyfriend like tomboys I start acting like one unconsciously to fit in with him better. One of my bestfriends pointed out that I have a "moldable" personality. Basically what I think she meant was that I have no personality, I jump from one to another based on the people I'm with. And she didn't even say it straight to me she told my boyfriend this. I have basically been immensely pissed off with her since. Like I hate her so fucking much for saying that because it gave me an identity crisis (I'm not sure if she is right or wrong?). Just talking about the situation pisses me off and could send me into going off on a tangent about how she's a dumb bitch with a superiority complex who thinks she can "read" people. ITS FUCKING STUPID, she's only known me for half a year and she really thinks she "knows" me. Part of me feels like she a fucking stupid bitch and the other half is like, yeah she might be onto something and maybe that's why I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT THE FACT THAT SHE SAID THIS LIKE FUCK I KEEP PLAYING ARGUMENTS WITH THAT BITCH IN MY HEAD EVEN AFTER I STOPPED TALKING TO HER AND I DONT SEE HER ANYMORE. Fucking hate her, don't need her fucking opinion. Fuck people who think they're better than everyone else.

On the topic of emotional regulation. I'm pretty bad at it as you can see. I've actually been mad at this "bestfriend" for over a year now. Didn't know this before but we don't communicate the hard stuff that well (I recently learned the importance of communicating in relationships, SHOCKING RIGHT- like those are the basics). Let me explain to you why I was mad at her. It started off with my sensitive ass being hurt for being forgotten to many things we used to do together. We live on college so we used to go to events together and for meals as well. She stopped calling me. I was like huh :( kay. So like the dumbass I was I started ignoring her too and did not reach out, that's how I used to be but now I know reaching out was the right thing to do in that situation. It basically felt like she only wanted to hangout with me when she needed me for something (like taking pictures of her dumbass for instagram). There was point where I was talking to her and she literally got up mid conversation and left. That ruined my whole day. In fact its come to point where just seeing her is enough to fucking send me off the rails and ruin my day :). I've even started to imagine scenarios where I would violently (physically) fuck her up but I won't go into that. I'm not going to act on it but yeah I've seriously become a toxic person.

This pattern exists for almost all my close relationships. But it hasn't felt this extreme where I wasn't able to let go of a past relationship. But basically one thing I want to know is if my behaviors display the push-pull dynamic of bpd. Because it feels like that to me. Basically I will start off by distancing myself from a close friend because they hurt my feelings (most of the time). They would automatically become a flawed and bad person to me and I feel the need to cut them off from my life because they're toxic. These friends will start reaching out to me because I don't really tell them what's going on I just block them. I don't reply most of the time and they basically discard me from their life. NOW WHEN THIS HAPPENS MY ASS BE LIKE I kinda miss them now they were actually so cool and I can't believe I just let go of such a good relationship. But I can't text them anymore because I can't be going in and out of people's lives like that. I've done this so much I have no actual friends left, just my boyfriend who I will get into soon. And its not like I will be making friends anytime soon, I'm extremely socially awkward and unlikeable when you meet me:).

The first time I met my current boyfriend I was so into him. I remember telling my "bestfriend" that he was a "musical genius." He was just super cool to me and he also had OCD which I greatly sympathized for at that time and I wanted to help him with all his struggles. A year passes, and I find him unbearable and whiny. We're currently on a break because I just can't be around him anymore everything he does pisses me off and I hiding my anger and annoyance gets exhausting. I've been staying home and focusing on my studies because last semester I almost failed out of university because of relationship drama. So I'm trying get my grades up that's why I have opted for a break and I will break up with him after this semester ends. The pattern exists here too. I tend to romanticise my boyfriends at the very beginning. I told my last boyfriend that I felt like he was my "soul mate." He turned out to be a fucking man child who was using me (he was much older than me).

Sorry for ranting this much. I've had all this inner turmoil in my head for so many months now and I don't really have anyone to talk to about this. So thank you so much if you took the time to read everything. I just wanna understand why the fuck I'm like this. None of my friends wished me for my bday this year and it sent me into a spiral of suicidal thoughts (more like I'll pay them back by killing myself?). I've basically made myself more lonely and sad because of the way I am.