[22m] I truly yearn for a better life for myself and others around me. I want to be a better person and be successful, whatever that means... I see so much of the beauty and love in this world and yet, the darkness always overweighs the good. Almost everyday of every week I contemplate suicide. Even if I am in a good mood or things are going well. Sometimes I will go a little while with no suicidal thoughts, but they always come creeping back at the worst times. 
It's like ever since the first suicidal thought I had years ago, it was burned into my brain. Like a leech that won't stop feeding. I can't stop thinking about it, and I fear that is exactly how my life will end, regardless of what I do. I truly don't want to end my life because I want things to get better, but I feel as though at some point I won't be able to control myself and that it's inevitable. Hopefully that makes at least a little bit of sense.  Just wondering if anyone has had similar thoughts or experiences. Xx depression is a bastard.