Does anyone else have issues with feeling watched? 

Sometimes I feel like everyone is watching me. It's almost like my mind tricks itself into thinking that everyone has their head facing in my direction with their eyes fixed on me. From the corner of my eyes I can feel people watching me. Things like working in an office and walking in a public space are kind of unnerving because I am always wondering who is watching me and why.

This feeling of being watched makes me hate that I was born a woman. I hate it because I know there ARE people watching me. I've been cat called and had men make gross faces at me, licking their lips and making passes. I can feel them look at me, its like I'm some sort of prey animal. at heart. I hate it. And I hate that talking about it makes me look like an attention whore. Most woman know that reacting to crap like that is a lose lose situation. I look like a crazy bitch and the men get off on the attention. 

The truth is that I HATE attention. I hate hearing my name, I hate it when people notice that I exist. I wish I was some sort of invisible, unperceivable, gender less, completely nebulous entity. I could experience life without having my existence acknowledged. Like a ghost but not dead. I don't want to die, I just want to be "invisible" I guess. 

Anyways I have been diagnosed with Bipolar II, medication resistant major depression, generalized and social anxiety disorder. I was selectively mute as a kid and my parents didn't know what to do about it so it followed me into adulthood. I tried meds and I HATED them. I crashed 3 cars and I was an absolute zombie so i'm never doing that again. Fuck big pharma, I'll take excercise and meditation instead.

I've been picking up the pieces for the last few years and done pretty well for myself. My last major obstacles are substance addiction and my social anxiety disorder. It's been a wild ride and I never talk to anyone so I wanted to get all that shit off my chest I guess. Maybe there's someone else out there who gets it??