Yesterday, I (23m) opened up to my eldest brother (36m) about how I am feeling and what exactly do I feel.

It felt kinda good. I told him that my depression and anxiety reached new levels and that I will try to switch from psychologist to psychiatrist.

But I still think he does not understand me completely. And I know he never will. I always had that kind of relationship with him. Like he is my mentor or father figure, not a brother. Which made me feel anxious and nervous around him. That's why it took me so long to tell him some things. My second brother (32m) knows almost everything that bugs me, cause he's more chill and not so uptight like first bro. 

Even tho I felt like a huge baggage dropped from my back, I somehow feel uncomfortable and somehow more worried.

I kinda sugar coated some things just to keep the "peace in the family"

Nobody knows that I am having suicidal thoughts for a long period of time. Only other brother knows that I self harmed.

It felt good to tell the truth for a change, at least that was a relief.

But still, i feel weird and slightly more not understood.

It's not in my nature to open up to someone, not even a family member, and I guess that's why I feel like this rn. 

I always felt like I let everyone down and now I sense the pressure even more, because now I can't let them down because everyone thinks that i have everything under control while the truth is: I don't know what I want, what I am doing... 

Isk, guess I'll try the more honest way to deal with people and problems and to see how far will I go.