im 16, im supposed to be in “the best years of life” but all i can do is stay at home crying and being anxious. 

last week some of my friends and i had been invited to go to one of my other friends 17th bday party on the 26th, i had told her i was going to be there and was looking forward to it all of last week. 

earlier today around an hr before i had to be there i had started feeling really anxious and like i was going to have a panic attack so i took vistaril which is supposed to calm me down when my anxiety gets too out of control and half of the time it does help me but sometimes when my anxiety is a lot worse it doesn’t. 

i waited around half an hour for it to work but i only got more anxious, so i texted my friend that i couldn’t go to her birthday party anymore. none of my friends know about my anxiety and panic disorder because we aren’t really close like that, so i had to tell her i felt sick. i ended up having two long panic attacks in a row that were absolute hell. i couldnt calm down no matter what i did and felt like i was losing my mind. even though i’ve been getting them every day recently, they were some of the worst ive had in a while and made me throw up twice. 

i wish i could’ve gone with my friends, and had fun instead of sitting on the bathroom floor. i  have nothing extremely bad going on so why do i have to be so anxious. i hate myself so much for canceling plans just because of stuff in my head. i feel like im going to start losing friends because of this and i have no idea what to do.

im not sure why im writing all this out bc it’s way too long to read but it’s just frustrating to live like this. i just want to be a normal teenager