I did show traits of BPD on a personality test a few years back and I'm going in for more testing in a few weeks. I just had another two hour meltdown over the usual crap and I feel so relaxed now. It's almost like I need to throw fits or something to feel better. 

Summary: 

Basically I can't be alone with my thoughts and my bf has been out of town all week. So, I just reamed him out via text and the phone over him never defending me to his friends and family. They don't like me yet can't explain why over the past 4 years. I just want a reason so I can work with it but they don't have one. This topic  comes up cyclically for me every few months. Nobody can say why they don't like me but they sure love to tell me I'm not good enough for him or that I'm crazy even if I've never talked to them. My bf just shrugs it off rather than defend me and I hate that. Hell, I don't even know why I'm with him sometimes. I move wherever he wants to go, do what he wants to do and he doesn't do anything for me but likes sex a lot. I finally got him to say he'll defend me if I show up at a wedding where his drunk friend will be getting drunk and continuing to hate me openly. I'll believe it when I see it. I just want a hug now from him though after I just ripped him apart and hung up on him. Not even sure why.

Anybody else have cyclical stuff like this that they can't let go of? And stick in relationships they don't even want other than to just not be alone?

Either way, I feel like I just ran 10 miles and it feels so nice. Another round in the books. Can't wait to get me some meds after my testing coming up.