When I was younger, I was so alone and in so much pain. I wanted people to love me, to be around me. I was socially awkward, introverted, anxious. But it hurt so much and I wanted love and attention so badly that I pushed myself to change. I went through the embarrassment, abuse, abandonment and shame that goes along with being a vulnerable person at the mercy of others. It took years and a lot of pain to gain my footing. I did my best to change, to be what people wanted. I learned how to dress, worked out to have a body girls liked to touch, learned from people on what I needed to be and how I needed to act. Most importantly, I paid attention. I paid attention to what everyone was doing, what they were saying, how they were saying it. I learned how to keep my mouth shut and listen. I figured out what questions to ask, what to say and what to keep to myself. I learned what people want. I learned what they want to feel and how to make them feel it. I'm in my early thirties now and I'm so far from the person I started with, I can barely believe it. I'm a better person--I'm better at dealing with this--so much so that no one knows there was anything wrong with me or that there's anything wrong with me now. People might  say I'm intense, insensitive,passionate,needy at times but they don't assume there's anything more at play. All the pain is still there, though, and it's as intense as it was when I was a kid. I can be surrounded by people who all like me and feel completely alone. I have my manic stages, hyper-sexuality, feelings of loneliness and desperation. The main issue I have now is how I deal with it. 

I'm a social vampire. Everything I need is in other people. I need their attention, their love, their touch, their feelings and emotions and now I know how to get it. I am always thoughtful and careful and honest with people, but the power dynamic which used to entirely be on their side, is now entirely on mine. It's weird. All my issues mutated into this new way of being that gives me the advantage in my dealings with people. I used to be so self aware and it gave me so much anxiety, but at some point it mutated into detachment. Now when I'm talking to a woman I like, for instance, I couldn't care less what she thinks, but it comes off as confidence. I pay attention to everything she says and everything she does. I adapt to her, I reflect her desires back at her, I give her the sense of herself she wants to have. If she wants to be seen as funny I laugh at her comments and set her up for others. If she wants to be seen as smart, I concede to her judgment. I make them feel important, special. I do anything for their attention, but the problem is, when they want mine, I lose interest. I don't have a lot in common with these people. When I have the need my brain accepts everyone, particularly women, but it's not until whatever chemicals get me to this point have run their course, that I can actually have a clear view of the other person. Most people aren't particularly compelling or thoughtful or self-aware or empathetic. When you really take a look at people what you see more than anything is fear. People are afraid of failure, irrelevance, getting older, being poorer, getting embarrassed, missing out, being unpopular, unimportant, doing the wrong thing, wearing the wrong thing, saying the wrong thing. And their behavior reflects it. They are often petty, insensitive, egotistical. All they do most of the time is defend themselves and seek out reassurance. Looking at them from this disassociated position you pity them and are, truth be told, disgusted by them. I think it comes from a lifelong desperation of wanting their attention but after getting it, realizing they have so little to offer and demand so much. 

There's only one type of person I can ever truly fall in love with and stay in love with, and that's other vampires. I live in NYC, and I have to say, there's a lot of us here. I don't know how, but we can tell each other apart from everybody else. When I meet a woman that shares my disease, it's like being on drugs. You finally feel loved like you love and it's so intense. The world disappears around you and all you see is each other. But that's the problem. You let every other aspect of your life move away from you. It really is like being on drugs and you find you have to quit or your life will spiral out. This is why I avoid them, despite wanting them in my life more than anything.

I'm living a seemingly successful life, with responsibilities I am able meet and thrive at, but I have these needs I can't escape. I need intense personalities, people with high emotions, issues, chaos. I seek people out, the kind of people that can make my life much harder, and I can't help it. I'm manipulative, capable, detached. I can't tell if I'm a bad person. I never drop people, I'm honest, I listen, I reassure, I console, but I also feel like I'm attracted to their pain. Like I'm feeding on it. I'm trying to get passed this, to find better ways of living, but this is where I'm at right now. I want to be with someone who can feel like I can but who can find balance. To be able to give each other what we're each looking for, but be thoughtful enough to keep stability in our lives.