hello. i’m upset! :(
i started lexapro and thought my depression and anxiety were cured and got really stoked. then started to feel those things again and got super discouraged and upset. i got super depressed a couple months ago after i started a corporate job (even though it was super relaxed and chill) and started having an identity crisis which is what got me to start antidepressants. 

this week i realized the antidepressants wouldn’t cure everything that upset me about my life and i got really sad about it. my work had a conference this week which resulted in my getting really drunk and doing cocaine with my boss which was fun in theory but ended up only fueling the identity crisis. first of all, i should NOT be in a work environment that encourages that .... but i am incapable of denying drugs and alcohol even if it means hanging out with people i despise. i ended up getting drunk and high in this corporate environment where i REALLY shouldnt have had that opportunity and now hate myself for having fun with people i “hate.”

i hate that i’ll do drugs and drink excessively even if i know it will make me feel bad and even if i do not like the people i’ll be doing it with. i am sad and upset and hate myself so much. but i also know i will probably do it again tomorrow and the next day and i have absolutely no intention of opting out. i feel stupid and like i am betraying myself and who i am for the sake of getting fucked up. but i do not want to say no. i WANT to do it. WHY! i know i am going to hate myself for it. but i am going to continue to do it.

i called my bf upset about my actions and he was just like it seems like you want to feel bad about yourself and do nothing about it. which is true!!!!! but i hate it. i wish i was strong enough to deny the free drugs and alcohol but i simply am not. i don’t want to tell my therapist because she will just tell me to fucking say no because it’s destructive and makes me feel bad.
and i agree with her. but it feels like it’s not that simple. i’m sorry this rant is stupid and makes me feel weak but i just need to vent and hope someone understands. i like feeling social and liked and doing drugs feels good and makes me feel liked. i wish i was strong enough to do what i knew was right for myself.