A week ago I was having a very hard time mentally and legit felt suicidal. However, I then tried to get FP (who is no longer talking to me) to engage with me and sent emails detailing my suicidal thoughts and how he didn’t care if I died and that he’s a terrible person for not caring and that if I did, it would be his fault. I threatened to do it on Monday of last week. I legitimately did have a plan to do it (and really was suicidal), but I used it to say horrible things to him. He sent sheriffs to my house that weekend for a welfare check.

Since we are not speaking (and I’ve since agreed with my boss to have no contact with him whatsoever - he’s a coworker), I can’t apologize. I feel like a total turd. I always told him I thought people who threatened suicide to others were awful and harmful. And now I’m one of those people. I can’t let it go that I did it. Now the only right thing to do is to continue to not contact him. But I just feel so shitty for all the abuse I subjected him to the last couple years. Part of me does feel like I hate him, but even so, I should have walked away and not acted like a crazy bitch.