I turned 23 the other day and I have nothing to show for it. Can’t get a job even though I graduated last year, and it feels like my family are getting sick of me. They have said it is hard to be around me because sometimes I just mope, so I started to fake being happy to make them feel better, and so they don’t moan at me. 

I have tried to enjoy small things in life, like going down to the beach and enjoying the sound and sight of the waves, beautiful views and music but it doesn’t feel like enough. I constantly wish the ground would swallow me up or that I get sick or that I wish I just didn’t exist. 

I think about ending my life but I think oh it’s someone’s birthday soon, a holiday is coming up, I can’t kill myself, but it is tiring to cling on to little things just so I stay alive. I wish I could just go out and get a job and have loads of friends and want to live but I just don’t. I don’t think I have felt like that for years. I don’t desire life because everything feels unattainable and far away and I hate waking up and seeing depressing shit on the news and spending all of my time on my phone. I hate the idea of working 40 hours a week for another 40 years. 

I don’t have the motivation to live and the funny thing is, is that I don’t even have the motivation to kill myself. I just do nothing, day in day out. I feel a shell of myself, I think partly because of the pandemic. It was comfortable staying in, doing a few essays and spending the whole day playing video games, but now I am stuck and I feel like a pathetic loser. 

I am lonely, I am heavily dependent on my family and I see no easy way out because I have no motivation to change, and it sucks

Thanks for listening