***TW: Abuse, self-harm***

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On the 23rd of this month, my girlfriend of 11 months broke up with me and I immediately shut down. I cut, I cried... A lot... Tried to reason with her, the one that I thought for sure was going to be the love of my life, the one I'd propose to and the one I would be with forever, after all, she felt the same, right? And so I went on social media the next day asking for some kind words and help from others.

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Even though I was so obviously (personally speaking, not public knowledge) the reason for the break-up. I was physically abusive, and I let my impulsive behavior and anger best me on several occasions, causing what her and I called "Gerald" to come out and immediately, for no reason, want to hurt and damage her in any way Gerald could. Whether it be from kissing her too hard against her will, pinning her down and bad-mouthing her, or just grinning ear to ear while my brain tried to fight off the urge to just tear every piece of clothing off her body. During the latter bit of our relationship, I was a domestic abuser, and while I didn't like it, and while I cut myself and cried after every time it happened I never bothered to try and find a way out of doing this.

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It just wasn't nor felt like it was... Me, but it was still a part of me, and I can't deny that. I am responsible for that trauma and I am responsible for being too tired, too depressed, too whatever, and not caring enough in general to get help after the first signs of Gerald started popping out. 

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Can I honestly say I didn't expect this breakup? Well... No, not really, because for the previous two nights I had had nightmares about it, about her leaving me, about her not wanting anything to do with me, yknow, that sort of thing. I joked about it a lot too, that I won't ever be able to have a good relationship because of this disorder, that I'm too destructive and too far gone to be able to have a long-lasting relationship that was healthy. I really did have it coming, and yet I really did not prepare myself one bit. Which in turn made me realize how much of a fool I am, and how desperately I need to change, not because I feel ashamed (Guilty yes, ashamed no), not because I don't want to deal with the consequences and no so I can feel like I have a free pass if it were to happen again. I need to change because I want to change, and this was the kick in the fucking ass that I needed to actually get my gears spinning and acknowledge that uh wow... I really do need to get out and get some help, because I ain't gonna let this happen again, I ain't gonna hurt anyone that I love anymore and especially not her. Although I can't erase the trauma done to her and I, I can at least try to better myself for the next person or situation that comes along.

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So this is why I've come to this thread, for help, for any sort of assistance or guidance I can get. Whether it's personal advice, articles you've read, videos, books, websites and apps... Anything really. I want this change, I just need help getting there, no matter how many steps I have to take. And please, if there are questions please ask, I am so open about this it's insane. Also this was a gay relationship... If that has any value or changes the narrative? Idk

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TL;DR: (hella gay and now ex) Girlfriend broke up with me due to my toxic and abusive behavior, I know that I am 100% responsible for it, so now how can I make a change and better myself for the next relationship that comes my way?