Small chance the person I'm writing this about could come across it, but I don't care at this point, and I'll probably end up deleting it after a day or two anyway.

So, I have had feelings for a guy for over 10 years now. I didn't fall for him immediately, but rather after we had dated for a bit. Was he a great partner all the time? I wish I could say yes. He was a bit arrogant and sometimes said hurtful things, and I ended things after he told me he was moving long distance without me(something we had planned to do together in a few years). He didn't last long in his new location, and came back and apologized, but I am absurdly stubborn and was still feeling hurt, so I rebuffed him.

Over the following 10 years I dated numerous other men, moved long distance myself, got married, and got divorced. Through everything, I still often thought of him and missed him terribly, and no matter how much I tried to move on and develop other romantic relationships, I just fell emotionally numb when it came to anyone else. When I separated from my ex-husband I took a chance and reached out to this man. We reconnected and I felt alive again. I was happy, hopeful, and made plans to move back to the state we had previously lived in. But, he has suffered some trauma during our time apart, and was not in a place for a relationship. I took this to mean that he didn't want one with me, and again rebuffed him, but still moved back anyway.

We saw each other a few times after I came back and I was a bit standoffish to him, not because I didn't want him around, but because I missed him so badly, didn't know how to tell him, and was terrified of being hurt again. I kept quiet and started a relationship with someone else, while still chatting with him occasionally on a friendly basis. When this relationship ended, he came to console me and we ended up hooking up. I felt everything. Sparks, butterflies, the works. As well as profound sorrow that I had "wasted" so many years of my life trying to make things fit that just weren't what I wanted.

The casual physical relationship kept up for a bit until I asked him about physical exclusivity, (he was casually sleeping with at least one other person) and he hesitated. I broke down and pushed him away again.  Knowing about him being with other women while he was hooking up with me was destroying me. I was experiencing INSANE highs and lows in my moods, would go from deliriously happy to wanting to kill myself at the drop of a hat, developed anorexia, wasn't sleeping, and even started self harming. I pushed him away yet again because I was hurting.

I started seeing my previous ex again a month later, and was in an okay place for a bit, but it didn't take long for the numbness towards my current partner to return, and the aching emptiness at the loss of this man returned as well. He came to see me a week ago, and apologized for what he put me through (though I didn't tell him the worst of it), and we cried together, and he kissed me a few times. Sparks and feelings returned again.

I have tried so hard to hate him, want so badly to be able to let go, but I seem unable to. I don't see him in terms of black and white, but rather shades of grey, and love him despite his flaws and am willing to forgive if we were to try again at an exclusive relationship.

Deep down I feel that these feelings I have had for this man for so long are love, and not fp attachment, but would appreciate some third party opinions.