 

Hello everyone!

I would like to tell a story, and receive some honest opinions.

So,  I am a 17 years old male, diagnosed with bipolar depression, suffered  two psychotic episodes in the last half year and I'd like to tell you  some facts about my life so you can see it all in one piece.

In  kindergarten I've learnt to read by myself at the age of like 3-4, and  I've also learnt how to write, and all the way through school, high  school, everyone admired me for my intelligence but I always thought  that I were stupid as fuck. Also, I learned English on my own, and got a  C1 language certificate. School was never really a struggle for me.

I've  struggled with my weight basically all my life, and got kinda ripped  last year but the antipsychotics made me fat as fuck, I weighed 76 kilos  and I am now clocking at 105. Honestly, I just hate myself, I can not  look into the mirror without hating myself or wanting to commit suicide.

I  thought that I'll never have a girlfriend but now I am together with a  beautiful, genius woman who turned out to be my soulmate and we  basically want to study the same thing, and have an unexpectedly scary  amount of common things and interests. This relationship is like heaven.

She  is smart af, has an IQ of 134-139, and I fucking envy her because she  has all the attributes that I would basically kill for. I also admire  her and I am happy that she is extremely smart because I love her, but I  just can't get over the fact that she tries to commit suicide every  fucking time she gets a depressive low because of an impulse and she  won't even call me to talk about it because she just wants to get rid of  herself because she thinks that she is stupid etc.

I've  just taken an IQ test and scored 115, which made me extremely suicidal,  of course because I am a narcissist as my psychologist told me and I  totally agree with it. I must note that it is not NPD, only narcissist  characteristics which can make me strive to be better. I was depressed  when I took that test, and had two psychotic episodes last year and I am  also taking antipsychotics which could've made my IQ lower, but I hoped  to be around 130. That would've made me confident and I would've  absolutely loved myself.

I want to  become a psychiatrist, and I want to help as many people as possible,  but now everything seems impossible with this shitty IQ and I want to  die because of these things and because of the fact that I think that I  can never be enough for her intellectually, and physically.

I  am sorry for swearing this much and ranting about everything, I just  want some honest opinions and help because I can not go on this way, I  am extremely suicidal, but I don't want to end my life, however life  seems like it will always suck for me with this IQ.

What's  also important to note is that I love this girl more than everything  and we are obsessed with eachother and that there's never been a single  bad word said to eachother by any of us and I want to get better and  make our dreams come true, but I can not deal with this on my own and it  doesn't feel feasible to overcome this thing ever. Also Jordan Peterson  says that IQ is the biggest predictor of success so I am basically  fucked.

Thank you all for everything!