I’m struggling &amp; I don't even know where to put this but I have to get it out of my head today. My depression is on a loop, setting in again after I force myself to go out to my volunteer job &amp; I’m tired of dealing with going around in circles, building up enough energy to do something &amp; then collapsing in a heap afterwards to then take days to get back to some sort of normal, even though it’s far from it.

I’m really sick of being trans without having a way to deal with it. I’ve been on HRT for over 3 years but very little has changed, part from getting fatter. I’m very obese &amp; have physical problems with my hips, back &amp; knees. My levels aren’t where they should be but my endo keeps gaslighting me about it. Tells me that’s the dosage that women get so it's fine. It's low dose, only a total of 125ug in patches. Even then I had to ask continuously for it. She won’t tell me my levels, I only find out after getting a printout of the results from my GP. Then I’ve spoken up to my GP, my psychologist &amp; a psychiatrist about my concerns but nothing. Can’t talk to my family, shit scared of talking to friends about any of this. I feel as if I haven’t really got anyone behind me that I’ve told so far that can help me deal with it, help me become the girl I need to be. No ‘wing man’ that’ll be by my side to guide me through. It was a waste of time to tell some of the people I have, they don’t get it. Or know don’t even speak to me because of it. I'm never going to be Rachael.

Then there’s other issues that affect me, issues with relationships, issues with friendships, social anxiety, issues with sexuality. I’m 41 &amp; still haven’t really gone to first base (kissing &amp; holding hands, cuddling only) &amp; no relationship since high school, if you can really call any of that a real relationship. I know I’m sex repulsed by what happened during my childhood. And I have demons that I can’t get rid of. I hate it so much yet nothing can be done about it. I feel I’m so screwed up from my childhood that being anything close to what is considered ‘normal’ is virtually impossible. I’ve tried all the usual things like medication, hobbies, distraction, work, I’ve tried to accept myself for who &amp; what I am, accept the parts of me for the way that they are, my faults, my demons, the things I can’t change &amp; work on how I react, my behaviour. But I can’t accept it. At all! I’m so sick of being this way without a way out, without an outlet, only death itself could really solve it. It’s the only solution I can see that will fix all of this once &amp; for all. I’ve had enough of the fact that I’ll never be with someone, never have kids, never have my own home (a mortgage/not renting), never be the girl I feel I am inside. Never feel satisfied, always having to fake my way through life &amp; pretending to be a happy carefree person.

I know it’s best not to have any of that stuff in my life. It just seems like I wasn’t ‘built’ for it. And I don’t want to hurt others or effect their lives with all the shit that I’m dealing with. I couldn’t put anyone through that. So, I stay alone, single &amp; a hermit because that’s the way it has to be. But how can someone keep living like that? And be content in the life they have? I wish there was some other way other than suicide to deal with this but every time I’ve look into options, nothing really works. I can’t change the fact I’m a fuck up. I’ve tried to be a better person; I’ve isolated myself to make sure I can’t hurt others &amp; now I’m at the point where I just want to give up. Bring on my death &amp; I can finally have some peace.