Returning to the present hurts. After my delusional, grandiose mindsets wear off, after cycling through all the different identities and searching for who I think I am, one day, I snap out of it. I gain some form of clarity... I ease into the present, which should be a good thing. But I don't like it. It hurts. I want to run from who I am so often. I've developed myself quite a bit over the past few years, but I've not spent much time with my inner child, with who I actually am in the grand scheme of things. I'm chronically underdeveloped and crippled emotionally/mentally. I dissociate so often. I look to other people and what brings them happiness and attempt to follow their path, rather than what mine is. Because frankly, I have no idea what my path is. I just want friends... That's the only thing that I can say I know. I want connection. Peace. To be able to like this damaged body/mind and what's inside. 

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It's terrifying to be honest, the fact that the last time I was actually me was months ago. Days pass, they feel like seconds, but also eternities. Blurry memories are all that remain, and me chasing some foolish dream. Or is it foolish? I honestly can't tell what's reasonable and what's not anymore, haha. No idea if I'm doing what I want, or if I'm doing what others want. No idea if my opinions are me or if they're from other people. 

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Tired of feeling as though I'm being watched, heard, and judged at every moment. Longing for some sense of reality and something I can grasp onto to guide me. Longing for the ability to be who I am, be who I want to be, without fearing judgement. I'm not brave enough to be me I don't think, it hurts. I'm afraid of being seen as who I am. I want to leave behind all my subconscious programming and be comfortable with whoever the heck I am. I've been taught that who I am is wrong though, or needs to do better, or needs to adapt, or needs to remember this that and the other. I'M TIRED OF ADAPTING TO WHAT OTHER PEOPLE NEED. And I'm tired of walking on either real or nonexistent eggshells.

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Why couldn't I have been born into a different, less screwed up environment? I want love. Just simple, basic love. I just want friends... I want to be able to stop feeling everything so intensely. Emotions were not meant to be this intense... Were they? Are we meant to heal from this, or is there some lesson to learn? No human being on this planet should have to deal with this. No child should have to be raised to be like this.

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I have no idea what to do.