Long Rant:
My SO is committed to staying by my side through this. I was only diagnosed two weeks ago, and it's proving to be a struggle to find therapy. I wasn't giving up, though. I'm trying as hard as I can. 

One of my biggest 'triggers' is when my SO gets upset. More specifically, if something bums me out, I'll find myself at like a 7 or 8. And can talk myself down from that. BUT if the SO gets upset too, then it turns into "I hate myself AND I'm hurting the person I love most". And then I really fucking spiral. The problem is she takes everything personally, so she gets upset every. fucking. time. And every time I have to remind her that that's what pushes me over the edge, and every time she says "I won't get upset next time" and every time I put my faith in that but it keeps happening. Always. And it's more than I can take at this point. 

Last night we had a really clear conversation about it- we heard each other so clearly, and came to good agreements with a good plan. This morning something bummed me out, and I said "I'm not spiraling, and will calm down as long as you don't also get upset." 

3 minutes later she was crying. I lost it. 

That was all the trust I had left, all the vulnerability, all the patience. And 12 hours after our grand conversation, it's all out the window. 

It just fucking kills me. So NOW I'm in a place of "I hate myself, I hurt the person I love most, AND I'm not worth the effort to her." 

I just feel like giving up. On her, on me, on all of it. 