I just feel like that has been my answer to everything lately. Yesterday 15 min ago was my 18th birthday and for normal standards it was good. People wished me happy birthday and I went to dinner with my family and it was good. But all I fucking feel all the time is numb like nothing matters I feel like I'm gonna have a mental breakdown because I just feel numb. I have no opinions and I don't want anything at all I just want nothing. Literally to just sit and do nothing all the time would be amazing. I used to love video games and now I just play them to pass the time. And I'm masking so hard I convince myself I dont have depression sometimes cause I'm a completely different person but the second it stops the number feeling just creeps back In. On the 27th like 3/4 of my family was with me and singing happy birthday to me and giving me a cake and I felt fucking nothing. I had to force myself to smile because I didn't want to be weird. I have been thinking about suicide a lot lately but I don't know I don't want to die I just don't want anything. I just don't know how to help myself.