*I posted this in offmychest as well but I am also posting in here because I do also ha e Bipolar one, depression and anxiety and I don't know if maybe with that thrown in the mix that it is affecting me mental health wise as well.*

I am a 31 year old african american married woman living in Texas (United States). These are my thoughts that have been building up and I need to get it out before I just explode.

The last normal day I remember was the beginning of March 2020. I was working at a restaurant and all of us were out for my coworkers birthday. Yes we heard the stuff on the news and it was worrying but we went on like usual. Then two weeks later all of us watch on the TV at the bar we worked at and watched them say that at midnight all restaurants, non essential retail etc all had to close down. And just like that everything changed. 

The next day we were all called in and one by one we were all told we were furloughed. It was a sad day and we all didn't know what was to come next. I remember going to the grocery store idk if it was later that day or the next morning just going down the aisles and my son asked me in front of a aisle of people, "Mom why are you not going to work anymore?" And I didn't know what to say. Some lady gave me $20. It was idk. Eventually the unemployment stuff got sorted out and I was out if work for like four months?

Things changed. Covid rules, masks, six feet apart, stuff out of stock at grocery stores, feeling if uncertainty and fear all the time etc. 

Then we started opening back up and out of everyone who worked there before. Only about 30% of us came back to work. Some people had to move, others moved on, or found new opportunities. Point is things weren't the same. People came back to go out to eat and they were meaner, and not as nice. I don't know how else to describe it other than it was a different dynamic. But I kept working through covid at the restaurant for a whole other year. 

Through that we had the Trump, BLM protests, George Floyd, police brutality, along with covid, vaccines etc. It was always something. My perspective on things changed drastically. I realized how ugly people have become. Especially with the protests. As a biracial (black/white) American it just idk how to describe it. It just made my heart so sad. On top of that I had to keep up with my two children doing virtual school and trying to keep the family together.

Then came the vaccines and all the bs with that.  Aka 2021. The continuing back and forth. The never ending arguing. The raid on the captial. Then Biden got voted into office. After however long of racist rants and bs from Trump it seemed like a nice change. It seemed like maybe just maybe things were looking up. What a laugh. Maybe looking up for like a week or two. But no. It kept going and going. 

Vaccines came out and we were told. Get your two shots then you don't have to wear a mask and you're protected from covid. Lmao. Yeah obviously that wasn't true. Then they say booster shots. Then it like even with the vaccine and boosters you can still get covid etc. It just keeps going and going. Sure the change from never ending ranting Trump was nice but then Biden hadn't made things better like he made it seem. In fact everything just seemed to be always something.

Then we get to 2022. And look at everything now. All thus stuff with Russia, Ukraine, threats of nuclear war etc. It's too much. It's just too much. My youngest son asks me, "Mom will they try to send a nuclear bomb to us? Why are they hurting people? Will they bomb all the countries?" Like what is this? It's too much. I just want it all to stop. I don't want to do this anymore.

I'm just a regular person trying to keep it together. I'm trying to be strong and keep it together for my family, the kids in the neighborhood, my community etc. But I'm drowning. I don't know how much longer I can keep putting on this brave face. 

I hate this. I hate all if it and just want it to stop I don't want any of this. But common folk like me, they (the government) don't care about people like me. They don't care about people like us. 

I just don't know how much longer I can keep going. People think Americans and Texans are all assholes etc. They think we are selfish and don't care about anyone but ourselves. But that's not true. There are normal common folk people like me who care but what can I do? I can't control any of this!

This is the beginning of year 3. I've accepted that nothing will be how it was before. I want to keep finding the hope and good with the world and people but I find myself not having much left to give anymore. I try my best to help out my community, watch out for the kids in my community, my family, my children...but what good is that when the world is crumbling around me?

I'm tired