On the surface, theres no reason for me to be so sad.
I have a wonderful boyfriend and we’ve been together for almost 2 years. His family loves me and treats me as their own. Im moving to Alaska for a great job. Im healthy. My car is in good shape.
Despite all that i still want to die. I feel so selfish. Im in a constant state of mind ripping self reflection. I cant seem to shake the constant intrusive/suicidal thoughts, negative self talk, and numbness. Ive been to three separate therapists. Two of them more traditional therapists and one that was holistic. None of them helped. I saw no change in my behavior or moods. I really don’t want to be medicated. I know I’ll either forget to take them or ill hate how they make me feel. 
I feel so guilty that my bf has to deal with my insecurities. He says he’ll never give up on me, but frankly, I’m terrified I’m only going to get worse and he’ll realize how draining it is to be with me. I really cant lose him. His family and his love are the closest thing i have to a home. My father is and abusive, alcoholic who is(and has been) absent. My mother has MS and I’ve taken care of her since i was about 9/10. Most of the friends i had, Ive lost because they weren’t truly my friends.
I really don’t know what to do. I just don’t want to feel like this all the time. If anyone has any advice, I’d love to hear it.
Thank you