I hate myself so much and I feel so irregular. I have really bad anxiety and on and off depression. I don't care about anything, the only reason I haven't 💀 myself is because my family. I hate every aspect of living. I have been rejected from society as long as I can remember, people literally used to pretend to be my friend as a joke, because i have very few to no friends. No one has ever had my back, I always look out for people but no one ever does the same for me. I feel so worthless and empty. I hate myself so much there was a time when I was purposefully repressing all my memory's so maybe I can forget who I am and make a better me, but that hasn't worked. My brain feels foggy constantly and it's hard for me to think. Very rarely I'll have a day where I feel completely normal, like I can function in society, almost like I'm being teased by only getting to feel regular at the most once or twice every month or so. I laugh a lot and try to joke about everything, but its to the point where it's always cynical, crude, rude, or self loathing. I also think I do this because I feel like nobody takes me serious and just ignores me most the time. I have no interest in anything, everytime I try to do something Im so bad at it or it makes me so anxious I give up quickly. I can't remember anything(except bad things), I can't even reflect on my day because it's all a blur. Ive been to complete rock bottom and the only reason I didn't off myself is because when I put that ___ to my ____ all I could see was my mothers face. I want to make people proud but I can't even live up to the lowest expectations. I'm very clumsy and my feet are fucked up and I can't even walk normally. I don't do hard drugs because I won't off myself, at least while my family's here, which should be the majority of my life(if not all of it) and I don't want to make my existence any worse. I wish I could just cease to exist. I'm just living to suffer, I don't want anyone to feel bad for me either it's just so hard to live with myself. I don't want any friends, I don't even want to be friends with myself. Ive tried medication, eating healthier, exercising nothing helps how I feel. I don't care what people think, I don't care how I look if I say or do something. I just want to feel normal again. It's not like I never felt normal, when I was younger I was a regular kid. I couldn't wait to be grown up because I was always told I was too young to do most things, but now that I'm old enough to do those things I don't want to do anything. I don't wanna be like any of you but I just want to feel like it's ok to be me. It's impossible for me to hold a conversation as I have no interests at all so there's nothing to talk about. I have moments where I randomly feel extremely happy or sad but neither emotions feel real so they quickly disperse. There's almost zero thoughts in my head because when I used to think my mind would constantly repeat bad thoughts or things I don't want to think about(like pointing out all the things that make me insecure or feel worthless(which made me very anxious)), so I've just intentionally stopped engaging in thought all together. I used to always be willing to try new things but every time I'm disappointed or it seems like a waste of time(even though I don't have anything better to do anyway) I really don't think any of you can help me, but my life is so miserable I just feel like monologuing and maybe some of you will have some advice.