Hi everyone. I've struggled with BPD for years now but was finally diagnosed in an outpatient program last fall, a few months into my relationship with my ex. My ex threw up some red flags from the start: having slept with or having crushes on girls he still actually talks to everyday and sees frequently, he actually slapped a girl on the ass in front of me, and was all around a party animal. Regardless, he treated me with so much attention and I attributed the bad behavior to alcohol. 

The relationship progressed and we fell in love hard. We eventually cut out a girl that was incredibly intrusive to our relationship and rude to me, and he seemed to consistently struggle with boundaries. He'd still flirt with girls, text exes, binge drink and crash at other girls houses, and we'd spend all of our time with his friends every weekend drinking. As I pushed and pushed, I felt insane. Why am I trying to change him? And thoughts like this were constantly in my head. After a rash decision to end it, I crumbled and quickly got him back and we lasted until January when he abandoned me on a ptsd anniversary from an abusive ex (sweet).

We've spent the last months back and forth "debating" getting back together. He thinks I have to repair the relationships with his friends that I didn't even have yet HE ruined by trashing me the whole year we were together. I've finally reached some conclusions. 

I've felt so guilty that this relationship ended because of me and my bpd. And that did affect it, I will take ownership of that. But ive finally learned that a relationship takes two people and I am lovable regardless of my shitty past which I don't deserve. I deserve someone that doesn't actively trigger me and act incredibly selfish and childish and put strangers over my mental health. 

You are lovable. You are probably hurting all the time like I am, sometimes for no reason, but you are loved. You are no less of a person, in fact, I'd even argue the opposite. Thank you all for listening!!!

Tl;Dr you don't deserve shitty things because you have a personality disorder. 🧡