I don't really paint myself as a cold person. I feel really strongly about people. I love my parents, my sister, my friends... I have such a deep appreciation for good people, even those I've never met in person. I am attached to people and people are attached to me. But because I want nothing more than to die, nothing that anyone does makes me truly happy. I wonder if I'm just selfish sometimes. But no matter where I am in life or who I'm with, this depression is just constant, looming at the back of my mind... Very much so that my feelings of affection have been replaced with guilt and frustration. I just want to die, but along with these suicidal thoughts, I also carry everyone's mourning. 

My loved ones are the biggest burden that I've ever carried in my life. The people who try the hardest for me are most appreciated and loved in return... but they hurt me the most, and they are the heaviest to carry. Because I am loved, I choose to keep living. But because I choose to keep living, I continue to suffer. I always forgive the world for being cruel because my loved ones exist in it, but I don't know how much longer I can do it.

Every hug, kiss, smile, word of advice, bout of laughter and peppy text message has me in a chokehold. It hurts so much, that I don't know what to do. I can't tell my mom this because I know that she loves me very much. She tries her very best and in doing so - she's ended up hurting me the most by simply loving me. Admitting this to myself will always bring me to tears.

I just want to go, man.