My plan of not being on my own for a while has failed spectacularly. Sat on my own at an Irish bar near kings cross since my friend I was supposed to stay with tonight cancelled on me. That's not even the worst mistake of the week. Tuesday I still came down to London even though we couldn't hang out (I had the train ticket already) and went to stay with a mate - turns out he lives right round the corner from you, we even went past your place on the way to work. 

I am feeling so bad. You're literally the only person who doesn't make me feel like an alien wearing a person suit. I even tried your suggestion and hung out with another girl. She's clearly crazy about me and she's so great, but she isn't you and you're all I can think of. Part of me hoped we'd bump into each other, half of me dreaded it might happen. 

There's so much going on right now, I had an offer accepted on a really nice flat! I just wanna share it all with you. Everything feels hollow without you. I just wish you could see things the same way I do. I know you think we're the same person but we couldn't be more different. And that's the thing that's going through my mind a lot. Since I got my bpd diagnosis last year, and things finally started to make sense, everyone has been so good. Out of everyone I know you're the only person who's decided to reduce me to this condition and out of everyone you're the one who should know that's not all I am. I know how good I am with you when you're struggling, we make such a good team. Literally the only time my mental health has been an issue it's been because of you pulling away from me or not wanting me. And yet that's the reason you give for not wanting to be with me. 

It fucking sucks, everything sucks. I can't handle being your friend when you are the only thing I want in the world. And I can't handle us not speaking to each other. It's like I'm trapped and I don't see any way out of this