I feel a lot of pain looking back to how I used to act. 

I pushed away the best person I ever had in my life. I wouldn't acknowledge my behavior or the way it affected the people I loved. It sucks so much. 

But the worst part is that, as it often happens with pwBPD, I constantly tried to pull people back in to my life before I was even remotely healthy.  Yes, I was trying to get better... but I wasn't there. And so they'd come back and things would be even worse than before.

 It's for this reason I can't blame people who call my attempts at reaching out "hoovering." I mean it's something I'd done multiple times before. How could they ever know the difference when I'd put on the best show that I could that I was better even though nothing had changed. At best, I believed things were better because I wanted them to be, not because they were.

I don't know. I feel bad for what has happened but I also don't want people to defend me. I think the people I pushed away have good reason to not give me another chance. I just don't know how to reconcile having ruined so much of my life.
