I’m afraid of myself right now. I was kind of a narcissistic sociopath path in my teens and early 20s because so many girls treated me like a god for dumb, shallow reason of them thinking I am physically attractive. My personality was shit IMO but they didn’t care since physical attraction hides having personality flaws very well. Where they are so blinded by it that they don’t even notice my many issues. 

And guys worshipped me for dumb shallow reason that I was super athletic. I obviously didn’t respect the people who worshipped me since it just made me think they were shallow people. But I definitely enjoyed it all too much. Having so much power over people at such a young age is very rarely going to lead to anything good. 

Anyways, found my conscience in my early 20s when I accidentally fell for girl with very high morals. 

Though it also led to many depression issues where I realized I have major issues I need to work on to not ever be that person again. 

But I feel like Im starting to slowly slip back into being narcissistic sociopath again. More and more people in my social circles are treating me with too much reverence these days. Coworkers treat me like some all-knowing genius and the girls from my running group I’ve been in for years are suddenly getting uncomfortably nice to me ever since I started getting back in decent shape recently. I hate being able to say the dumbest shit and having girls laugh like it was the funniest thing ever. And the amount of “jokes” they make these days about me that are borderline sexual harassment is also increasing. 

I know myself enough to know that I love being worshipped BUT that it definitely has a negative effect on me. I don’t want to become the narcissist sociopath of my teens and early 20s again. I feel horrible now about crushing girls self-esteems/hearts with how little I cared about anyone but myself during those days. And how selfish I was with my friends since they’d do anything for me. 

I’m still trying to learn how to be an unselfish person and I know being worshipped doesn’t help. But I don’t know how to escape it. I can’t help it that I’m both naturally super athletic and brain processes information much faster than most. I try incredibly hard to be humble and I always point out the people who are more athletic or definitively more intelligent than I am out. But deep down I do think I’m pretty amazing since it is relatively rare to have both gifts. And is it bad for someone to have a good opinion of themselves? 

I don’t know where I’m going with this. Just wanted to rant. Trying to not be a narcissist is just so hard when so many people are worshipping me.