Today has been rough. I spent the night at my friends, and we ended up fighting like, 3 times. She refuses to face stuff and was really upset over something I didn’t do. I don’t think it’s my fault this time, because she has a history of doing stuff like this that has been therapist approved not on me. We texted about it and she got the last message in before saying ‘I had a what was like a panic attack, so we can’t keep talking about this tonight.’ Which is fair, but instead of just saying that, she choose to send a message fighting her point first. It just felt like it was a tactic to get the last word in. She also triggered some religious trauma, so that wasn’t fun. I also upset my boyfriend bc I’ve been so depressed and splitting a bit, that I’ve been pushing him away. I’m currently in a very dark spiral and drew marks all over myself bc my SH urges are almost unbearable. Drinking instead isn’t a good idea, but it’s better than the alternative. He said he was really upset tho, and that he felt like I didn’t want to be around him. Which is valid. I explained I’ve just been depressed and I love him and didn’t mean to make him feel that way. I wanted to say that i won’t do that in the future, but knowing my bpd, I dunno that’ll happen. I feel guilty that can’t I can’t say that with certainty. He sent me a message I’m gonna read after posting this but from the banner he thought I was mad at him and said he was scared of me leaving him. I’m more scared of him leaving me, I don’t get how he can’t see that. I accepted he will find someone better already. Just feeling a little broken, and since I have no one in my life I can vent to since the two people I normally vent to are either mad or upset with me, y’all get the vent ig.

These aren’t even big things. I used to deal with hell much worse and have the trauma and scars to prove it, yet these two things broke me down so fast. It’s embarrassing honestly. I really wish I could rot back into the earth.