When I first met my FP, I gave her the false impression that I am a mentally stable, capable, loving person with an abundance of emotional and physical resources. What I actually am is a narcissistic manipulator who is always desperate for somebody's love and attention. I have fed off of my FP's love until nothing is left of her. She is emotionally and physically tired of my bullshit and it is straining her life. I betrayed her trust and made her suffer.

When I was going through that massive depressive episode, when I actually had the motivation, when I was living somewhere higher, I should have thrown myself over the balcony. When I pushed her away for the first time, I should have just ended it. I had so many chances to do the responsible thing, but I couldn't.

Even though I am a complete failure of a partner, it would weigh heavily on my FP's conscience if I killed myself. I hope I get lucky one day and get run over by a car, or slip in the bathtub. At least my FP will get insurance money for that.

Anyways, I am probably not actually going to kill myself, because I am too cowardly for that. I have already failed dying, I don't see that changing anytime soon.