I've written a lot of posts here about our relationship and all the troubles I had with it. It caused me a lot of pain and anxiety and i've wanted to it end it many times but never could. Because even though his behavior triggered the hell out of me and I didn't get what I wanted and needed, I have never felt such a deep connection to anybody, seriously no one compares and no one stayed with me for this long (3 years). I had been considering ending it again lately because he was breaking promises again and acting like it wasn't a big deal when I expressed my feelings about it, which triggered me even more. I always came in second (even with myself) because he came in first and this was very noticeable lately. I always felt like I was running after him, didn't matter that much. 

We were FINALLY going to go out together last Thursday eve and while I sat at home and waited for him all excited he bailed on me because he was supposed to help his dad with something first but he hadn't even started hours later. I expressed my anger and disappointment and distanced myself and instead of 'chasing' after me for once, he distanced himself as well. It was eating me alive and the next day I talked to him about it, completely broke down again, told him what my therapist thinks of his behavior (she thinks there is something going on with him and that while he makes me feel like I'm always asking too much and making a big deal out of nothing, he is in fact the difficult partner in this relationship, not me) and how i feel. It was all very unfiltered and I regret it so much now because in return, he broke down in tears as well and broke up with me. He said he found it very difficult to admit this but that he couldn't give me what I deserve, behaves in certain ways without even realizing it, is confused with himself, can't continue this dynamic and is certain that it won't change if we stay together now. He said he still loves me more than words could say but hopes I understand. 

He was crying and crying and crying and i just zoned out because I couldn't believe that he was leaving me when i knew i should leave him but probably never would have done it because of my love for him. That the person that had told me over and over that he would never leave was breaking up with me. He wanted to be alone, i left and when I was home alone and in my bed, it hit me so hard. I tried to call him and messaged him that night and desperately begged him to come back, he says he doesn't want to be apart either but is still sticking with his decision. He says he needs to work on himself (he's in therapy as well), figure out what is going on (they are in the process of possibly diagnosing him) and when he feels like he can change for the better he would like to give us a shot again. 

I'm very confused. I don't fully believe that he wants to work on himself and be with me again because I'm now always the one messaging him, he texts me back hours laters or straight up ignores me. While he was the one to insinuate that he didn't want to cut each other out of our lives. And even if he does feel this way right now, I am very afraid that he will get over me in time particularly because he has many distractions and a new job where people praise him all the time, find someone else or realize in therapy that I was toxic (his therapists don't know me but I know they have a stigma against bpd, yay) or whatever. And although I know I shouldn't wait on him, I of course am waiting and keep hope, it's not even something I feel I can make a choice about. Because not being together doesn't even feel realistic to me or like a possibility. I don't want to live like that. 

I don't really have family, his family was mine and I'm also completely and utterly heartbroken and feel so abandoned and rejected. I went on tinder and even had 2 dates already with guys who I don't even like to desperatly sooth myself. But every other man disgusts me right now and doesn't compare in the slightest but I need the validation and company. I want to be with him and only him, I can't leave him alone and I feel very suicidal. I don't have a job and don't go to uni right now because I couldn't handle it, don't have many or close friends, just therapy once a week. Since I can remember as a small child i've lived a very lonely life and with him I felt like I finally belonged somewhere and someone loved me. I hoped that I would feel relieve with the relationship coming to an end but I feel like it's a big mistake and I'm in so much pain. 

I adopted a dog a few days back (it was kinda supposed to be our dog and now I'm all alone in this) so I can't just leave her here and leave the house, meet other people, etc. I'm isolated. But also: I can't kill myself. This might seem like a good thing but right now I feel like the only thing that will bring me genuine relieve has been taken from me. And this realization brings me pain. I love the dog very much and I've wanted this for a long time but now I feel like a single mother who didn't expect she would be and I can't enjoy her because I'm so fucking depressed and I just don't want to do this alone. Can someone please read this long rant and help? 