Hey everyone,

I’ve been having this for quite awhile and I honestly feel frustrated about myself. I recently enrolled into a program that I am interested in studying and have been wanting to get in for a while. However, at this moment I am skipping a class because I feel hopeless about myself. 

The material is tough. It’s a condensed program and I sometimes have problem understanding it. I spent some time to catch up but seeing myself not understanding a certain terms really pushed me into a place thinking that I am not worth to be here and I do not belong. I feel anxious to ask because I don’t know where to start from. I am afraid of people judging me and that is the reason why I cannot go to class. 

Most of the time at night I try to study but I cannot focus and that spark of wanting to learn is dying day by day inside me. Before, I had problems with coming to class on time but now that I am at school early, I can’t bring myself out of the parking lot. This leads to more falling behind and bad attendance and will definitely ruin myself academically. 

I tried eating 3 meals a day to make myself feel good. I tried swimming to exercise and I tried catching up with a lot of materials but while I am moving slowly, the world is not and I am feeling left behind all again. And now my loop is simply patching study as much as possible without time to prepare for the new material and fall behind, into disappointment about myself. Sometimes I feel anger about myself and start throwing stuff like pillows or hit stuff randomly. At times I just feel heavy in my head. 

I tried coming into my counselling before at the previous school but I stopped when I transferred to this one. How do I get out of this loop? I tried talking to my girlfriend about this but she doesn’t understand and so here I am. I know it’s a long post but thank you for listening.