I get it, I’m not easy to be around. I’m not anyone’s idea of the perfect friend and god fucking knows what kind of horror show being my girlfriend would be if someone ever wanted to torture themselves with that prospect. But god damn it, I’m sick of people throwing me aside like I don’t have fucking feelings at all. 

My dad abandoned me when he wouldn’t stop drinking and hitting and abusing his family. My mum abandoned me every time she tried to kill herself in front of me and made me call an ambulance for her narcissistic ass. Had friends abandon me for all sorts of stupid reasons, one wanted to hang out with the “cool kids” cause they were all doing drugs and ditched me for them. Another got angry at me for doing drugs and refused to speak to me anymore. Another supported me and cared for me right up until I told her I had feelings for her then she threw me aside like I never mattered at all. I’m sick of it.

It’s gonna keep happening to me. I’m trying so hard, I’ve gotten so much better at taking care of myself and being less of a mess but it doesn’t matter. I’ll never be able to get rid of the thoughts, I’ll never be able to completely suppress the anger if feel sometimes or the extreme depression. Even if I’m a lot better at not acting on them now, the thoughts will always be there, the thoughts of wanting to hurt people or myself or do stupid reckless impulsive things because I’m losing my grip on my sanity. I’ll never be able to stop the times when the internal struggle is too much and I have to retreat into myself until I recover. No ones gonna want to be around that type of person, someone who confuses them by needing so much time to process things or collect myself while I wait for overwhelming urges to pass, someone who can’t even explain the internal battle that’s always going on inside me and I’m constantly working to keep suppressed so I don’t act on my stupid emotions.

I just want to isolate myself and disappear completely because I don’t want to be around people anymore but I don’t have a choice, I have to go out into the world just to survive and it’s killing me every time because the more I’m around people the worse and lonelier I feel.