I've lurked here for a while but never really felt like I could interact because until recently, my diagnosis was only suspected. I'm going to talk about my struggle with medications, however I'm not asking for help with them. I just really need to say what's been going on 

I've been going through a lot of trial/error to find the "right" medication. My psychiatrist did a lot of "let's see how you react to this or that medication." I'm having a really bad time in general and I'm sort of at the point where even weekly therapy sessions and being as honest as I can with my therapist and psychiatrist aren't helping. My psychiatrist keeps telling me to just keep trying them until we get up to effective doses and I understand that, but what's frustrating me is that we aren't increasing the doses of anything when I go to visits. I've been on the same ineffective dose of Lamictal for months and even my therapist agrees that what my psychiatrist is doing is odd. So I'm looking for a new medication perscriber but they're really hard to get in with right now. The soonest appointment I've made for one is in June so *maybe* I'll finally be on an effective dose of something by that point.

I've been sort of fighting with my partner a lot. It's actually less fighting and more along the lines of I end up having some kind of episode and it starts affecting them. Recently, our office (where we normally play games together) has been giving me a lot of anxiety. To the point where I couldn't breathe anxiety and I don't know what's causing that. I asked to be alone after that happened last night and eventually fell asleep, then got up this morning and actually felt really good. My partner did the normal thing of asking if I was okay since I had a really rough night and I just... snapped. I got short and angry and walked away and couldn't deal with them or their concern. I didn't want it because it made me think of being not good and it ruined my current feeling of being good. This was just the most recent thing that's happened I just keep doing shit like this and I'm getting so sick of myself honestly. I keep doing these things and I keep failing to realize why the hell I'm even doing them. I don't know why I'm snapping. I don't know why that room is giving me anxiety. I don't know why I'm fucking like this but it's making my partner unhappy. *I'm* making my partner unhappy at this point. They took they day off of work because of what happened so they could just be alone in the bedroom today.

I just feel so *wrong* lately. Nothing about me feels okay and I don't know what to attribute anything to. I keep relapsing because I don't think I have anything else that helps at this point. I know that's wrong and I know I need to stop, but at least I tell my therapist when I do and that's all I think I can manage for now. I can't manage myself like this and I don't know if it's all the med swapping to blame or myself at this point.