Everyday of my life for the past few years has been nothing but fighting for control over my emotions. It's a constant draining feeling that overwhelms me mentally and physically. I simply cannot remember the last time I felt genuine happiness or enthusiasm. I feel like I do not have a purpose in life, I'm fighting a losing battle with my own brain.

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I am 20 years old and this all started when I was around 14-15, there was nothing bad about my life I was an ordinary teen with an ordinary family. But ever since the depression hit it's completely changed who I am. I stopped going out, I stopped eating, I started being cold towards everyone.

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I spend pretty much all my time sitting in my bed on my laptop to try and distract myself from this constant horrible feeling but it's just always there, preventing me from experiencing life to the fullest. If I try to think about times when I was happy then it just makes me feel worse knowing I won't enjoy life like I once did, if I go through social media I feel worse seeing my friends living their lives while I slowly rot in my bed. I abuse drugs and alcohol since being high is the only time I can feel even somewhat alive.

Depression has completely altered the course of my life, I used to be an ambitious person with hope towards my future, now I just feel completely defeated merely 20 years into my existence. I would not commit suicide since I do not want to leave that burden on my family but I do get a slight feeling of relief whenever I think about suicide. I do not know what to do with my life, I just simply exist.