There are times that I just want to vanish and act as if I never existed. I sometimes question myself  as to why did I ever had kids when I know that I’m unwell. I was 18 when I had a baby. I barely knew myself but I did what I knew was right when I had them. I had a sense of direction even it was really hard navigating motherhood without any guidance from family. I was mothering myself and my children. My husband is my great support but, I’m so difficult to handle. I am a mess. Too many unresolved issues and hatred. Too much abuse and violence jn childhood that manifests in my behavior. It feels that I do not want to live anymore for I’m very tired inside my head. But, I do not want to cause my children pain and sadness. I know it’s unfair for them. They did not choose to be mine. I’m sorry I am erratic but I truly love them.