TW: mentions of s**cide and self h*rm

I was severely depressed back in 2017-2019 over personal issues. My heart ached, I hated the summer because of my insecurities, didn’t even joy going out, i fantasised and felt an urge to c*mmit s**cide, cut sometimes, and whenever I had some “joy” I felt like it was wrong and I needed to feel depressed otherwise something was wrong. It genuinely felt like hell. High school didn’t help at all. It just felt like how depression is supposed to feel like…

I felt a little relived in 2020-2021 but I think I’m depressed again (or I have always been depressed and didn’t realise because of my social and educational obligations) but this time it feels DIFFERENT.

I only feel joy from video games that I play for hours on end, don’t clean everyday, just graduated with no desire to leave the house (it’s been maybe two or more weeks), I’m looking for work but the idea of work makes me anxious and I feel tons of pressure from family (but I still want the freedom of being employed), I feel like a failure to my family because of my unemployment, I feel guilty for existing sometimes. There’s no deep heartache like I had before, no harming and I casually think about death without urges or fantasising about it but I think I’m depressed again? I thought about it before but I wasn’t too sure until now.