An open letter to my friends, my family, and the enemies I often call friends...thank you in advance for reading.


I would never say I wish you knew what it felt like. Because I would never wish this on anyone. But I wish you *understood* what it feels like. I want you to understand that every single day is a struggle for me. Every day I fight my god-given flaws just to make it through. Things that are easy to you are hard for me. Getting out of bed. Getting ready. Going to work. Going to class. Maybe you think I'm using my depression as an excuse. Maybe you think I'm being dramatic. Maybe you think I'm being lazy. Maybe you don't know half of what the fuck goes on in this head of mine.Maybe you don't know what it's like to spend most of the day in a battle against your own thoughts , your own brain. The anxiety is crushing. And it takes so much energy to fight it back, to fight off my irrational self. Do you know what it's like to not be able to trust your own feelings, your own perceptions? Every day is a war between my thoughts and my feelings, but you never see it. Maybe sometimes it spills out. In my outbursts, in my breakdowns. You get a glimpse, but you have no idea the things going on up here in my head. Part of me wishes I had the capability to explain it to you. Part of me doesn't want you to know cause you'd think I'm crazy. But I do want you to know how hard it is. How exhausting it is. How much of a handicap it is. 

I go through so many peaks of emotion in a day. The other day I was having a bad morning. I was sitting in front of the mirror doing my make-up. I would start to cry. Then I'd stop, tell myself everything was ok, I'd be okay, took a deep breath and I was fine. 30 seconds later I was sobbing again. Days like this I'm sensitive to the smallest tings, like an emotional time bomb. My anxiety spirals and my mind just becomes a mess of toxicity and irrationality. Not all days are like this because I fight off the toxic thoughts and emotions. 

So I want you to know, how hard it is, for me to go to class, to study, to go to work, to remember bills, or important days and dates, to fill out paperwork. It's harder for me because I've already given so much of my mind to the task of staying sane. To the task of keeping it together. It occupies so much of my time, so much of my self. All the while I'm trying to figure out myself, to be myself. So I hope this letter gives you even the smallest indication of what it's like to be me. And I hope it halts the judgement and the second guessing and the disappointment. Because I am trying my very hardest. And all things considered I think I'm doing a damn good job. And I'm proud of myself. And I want you to be proud of me too. I'm healing. And I intend to get back to a place where every day isn't a battle, where it all comes a bit easier, and I'm free to focus on *myself* and *my life*, not the toxic thoughts. 


Until then, maybe you can understand. 


**EDIT:**As the title says, I didn't intend to show anyone this, besides you reddit. But now I'm wondering if I should show this to who I wrote it for, particularly one of my good friends. I need her to hear these words...but I'm also scared of whether or not it will be taken seriously and what her response will be. What should I do? 