I know my faults and what’s wrong with me, nothing seems to fix them, not meds nor therapy.
Getting long term treatment that might work probably isn’t going to happen, I’m fucking 30 already and have been constantly thrown about by mental health services for years.

I wish I didn’t reach out to my partner when I tried to kill myself after voluntarily sectioning myself. I wish I let the true lack of care and compassion the NHS has for mental health sufferers really shine through with yet another death under their care.
I’m so torn in wanting to do it again (sectioning) and feel like maybe that’s the only way to speed up getting the help I need before my life spirals out of control again to a point where I can’t stay calm enough to be left locked in a room alone and ruin the opportunity of sped up care. But I stupidly have restraint and hold myself back thinking I can hold out. 

I want to just let go and let the shit storm of built up emotion out in a rage and not care who I hurt in the process.

Life is a fucking endless rollercoaster but it isn’t fun and I want off SO GOD DAMN BADLY!!!