This is long, and I apologize in advance... but I really need some advice. 

My best friend of almost 10 years and I have a pretty codependent friendship. A lot of it has to do with us working together and having mental health struggles. We’ve been there for each other through it all, and constantly joke about how weird our friendship is.

The other day, something happened and I really needed someone to talk to. I hit text her, no answer, but social media showed that she was out and having fun with her friends. Not a huge deal to not get an immediate answer but she never got back to me, and I really needed someone to talk to. I have other close friends but no one who I’m comfortable enough to talk about this particular situation.

A few days later, she calls me, and she can tell I’m kind of upset. She asked why,  I told her, and she said that I can’t be mad at her for being busy and living her life.

For the next few days, I respected what she said and I put some distance there. It wasn’t manipulation - it was just me understanding that I had been too demanding, and it’s not fair to rely on one person for so much. I did this because I didn’t want to let the symptoms of BPD destroy this very important friendship. 

To be honest, what she said really hurt because she’s been going through some things, and then a medical emergency, and I put her first. I skipped out on celebrating my birthday to help her through her medical emergency. I’m not keeping score, but those things made it hurt more.

Today, she’s coming into town to visit me. Before she hit the road, she called me in tears, asking if I still wanted her to come, and if she was a horrible friend. She said that one of her other friends, who is one of the most patient people she knows, is upset with her for neglecting her, and she didn’t know what to do about it. And then she went on to mention me being upset with her, and how I’ve been putting distance between us and she can stand that. She said she didn’t mean what she said how it came off - that she was on the defensive and only said that because she didn’t know how to react to me being upset. She cried, apologized, said she didn’t mean it, and that she wants me to stop putting distance there... 

But I’m conflicted. I need her, and she needs me, but I’m not even what triggered her guilt. Her other friend being upset with her over being neglected triggered the tears, and sincere apology. This behavior is so odd to me. It’s not that I wanted to be what triggered the tears, but it’s hurtful that her tears where more for her other friend being upset with her.

I’m not sure what to do. I’m hurt by her neglect, and even more hurt by what she said, but on top of it all, I’m upset that she seems to value this other friend more than me. 

I don’t know what to make of her behavior, and I don’t know how to appropriately react. I don’t want to let my BPD tendencies to ruin this friendship for good, but I’m also not sure how to cope and vocalize these feelings without hurting her.

I’m so sorry for the long read, but if you made it this far, could you please give me your thoughts?




