My mom had been battling cancer since 2016, and on October 7th, 2021 she passed away from Acute myeloid leukemia (AML). 
After she passed, and for the next few months up until now, I was numb about everything. I couldn’t cry even if I wanted to. In fact, I could put on a fake smile and act like I was outgoing and happy &amp; honestly no one ever thought anything was wrong. 
After going through panic attacks, different meds, multiple therapists and intense introspection, What I think has been happening is I’ve been blocking my emotions subconsciously to help protect &amp; distance myself from this situation, and now that time has passed, I can actually think about it healthily and go through the grieving process. 
alll my emotions came out tonight for the first time since she’s passed. I’m generally not a crier, but I’m bawling my eyes out in bed rn. I feel just really lonely and sad and I miss my mom.