I have only just wanted to lead a productive life. But apparently that's too much to ask for.  Doing well , in general, has always been one of my biggest priorities.

 But I can't even manage the bare minimum now. Whenever I sit for my online classes , even when I have everything muted and I'm not listening , I start getting attacks, I constantly want to cry. I freeze up and can not take part in the discussions but find myself wishing I would. What hurts the most is ,  I had been someone who loved like crazy, to speak up , let myself be heard and put my views and opinions out there. But now , even responding to the simplest of things like maybe an yes and a no, gets my heart racing ( not in a good way ) and I want to just throw up. School has almost become an alarm bell for all my issues to return and start haunting me. I listen to everyone answering  questions , having debates , and I feel like almost every syllable that comes out of their mouths is far better than anything I could ever contribute. Whenevee I do contribute , I feel like my views aren't appreciated enough, so I mostly keep my mouth shut.

I'm so ashamed of this part. I really am. Anyone gets some praise , a bit of a pat on the back and suddenly I'm triggered , I'll think about how they are so much better than me , and they deserve the world,  not me. It's nothing close to jealousy or envy , I think. It's just I feel a big disappointment settling on my skin. 

A teacher wanted to check on me after class , I bolted. She had just started speaking when I just left the call. I'm so afraid this way , I'm burning all the bridges. And I can't apologize,  because I don't even wanna talk to her . They all give me headaches the size of yorkshire.

This is just how only a part of my life is affected my being an insufferable nutcase . And , every aspect of my life had been in shambles , as bad as school life , or even worse . I get paid to write. I'm having such a hard time meeting deadlines nowadays. I can't help but feel ill soon be sabotaging my writing too.

I've not worked on my resume  got to acting classes in months. I know I should get a move on , business is already too tough as it is ; but I just can't  seem to get myself together enough enough do things

I've been in bad places before. Very sticky situations. I've tried  slitting my wrists but somehow still managed to hold my work together , until the very last second. But now it seems like everything is falling apart. I've only wanted to keep my work and job and everything t for my career straight and good and healthy. I'd rather not continue with a measly excuse of a life if i can't even keep my work straight. Orher aspects of my life could suffer as much as they need to,  I don't care , I just don't  want my work messed up. How can I get everything g straight ?