I’m fed up, I can’t stand this anymore. It’s like I’ve failed every aspect of my life and the stresses are reaching a breaking point. This is the lowest I’ve been in a very long time and there’s only one mode of control that I still have, it’s the only thing I love been thinking about. Part of me doesn’t want things the ease up because it’s like I won’t get this chance again. 

I’m at my absolute lowest of lows, I’m 26, I haven’t had a girlfriend in a very long time, my friendships are all fading and it’s not even like I could utilize friendships well anyway. My brain is absolutely fucked, I’m an introvert with, ADHD, depression and anxiety so my thoughts are a constant jumble of misdirected garbage, can’t even look people in the fucking eye. I feel like this is it for me, I have no hobbies and all I can’t do to cope is fucking smoke weed on my days off.

When I’m working I’m your average asshole who makes one and two day deliveries possible if you catch what I’m saying, everyone I know has surpassed me in every way and management picks on me and gives me the worse jobs on the site. Why don’t I switch jobs you ask? I can’t, that would require a license that I don’t have and the reason I don’t have that is because I’m so mentally unstable that I lock up during driving and nearly cause accidents. 

Am I a person with no hope? If you don’t think so then what then? I can’t even get psychiatric care because I can’t afford it, my family has always been poor and this job gives me what is basically pennies for what state I live in.

I’m so fucked, I’m stuck and I see no way out. I’m embarrassed to even exist and I feel embarrassed now even typing this. It’s like I’m a concoction of failure, like I was made to suffer. I don’t know why I’m even alive, I can’t even fathom dying or existing like this any further. The pain is unreal and I can’t even cry. I’m absolutely fucked.