the is just an aimless rant so im sorry if it is shitty

i can't respond to people and constantly ignore them. i just can't stop thinking "what's the point in responding, they probably hate me anyways. im doing them a favour". when i first become real friends with someone, I'll be very clingy and happy until then i think that im annoying them and i should just go away and stop talking to them. I've ruined so many amazing friendships just because of this. I know they probably don't hate me, but i just can't talk to them

I've only had one person reach out to me after ignoring them for 2 months and it didnt really go anywhere. she said that she misses me and misses hanging out with me, but i just didnt believe her. i legitimately dont understand why anyone would want to be around me. 

i have one friend that has stayed with me through all of the years, and im very grateful for him, but we don't hang out in person and i can't really talk to him about my problems because he can't really relate to them

i just wish i could find someone that won't abandon me and understands me. 

and yes, i have tried therapy. ive tried 3 different therapists and every single time i have gotten a panic attack and am unable to speak for the rest of the day. im going to try going to therapy again, but i doubt it will do anything.