I'm currently coping by playing video games, but even they are kinda bad. Can't even find friends in game.

I quit smoking pot recently because my roommate doesn't like the smell. I'm just trying to survive, and I don't argue with people normally. I am so compliant because I hate arguing or having any kind of negative energy sent my way. She knew I smoked before I moved in. I'm not sure why she thought it would be okay. 

I have such a hard time rooming with people, especially in this town. I am so much happier living alone, but my credit is so bad. Even then I'd be spending one and a half paychecks just for rent. No family that I want to ask for co-signer. The only one I'd even think about asking passed away last year. This is such a huge struggle for me. I don't even want to use the kitchen sink because she hates the way water marks look, so I have to wipe it down each time I use it. She isn't that bad, but I had a weird dream last night about her judging me so hardcore, and talking to other people about me.

I cannot form meaningful relationships with people. I cannot be bothered to. I don't want to. What is the point? In and out people have been my entire life. No one ever stays. I can't trust them, and I have no emotion for them if that makes sense. Not like I want to hurt them at all, but I don't enjoy being in the presence of people. I really really really love being alone. I have been (mostly) celibate for 5/6 years now. Haven't had full on sex, just some stupid weird shit here and there. I actually am struggling so much. I am praying for a soulmate to magically land in my lap, because my god am I lonely. My god.

I know 100% talk therapy isn't going to help me. Talking makes things even worse. Especially talking about the past. Maybe a friend is what I need, but I don't want anyone to get attached to me. Because knowing me I'd ghost them like I normally do.