Every time when I have an depression episode, I lose most of my social contacts. I also have adhd and autism so it doesn't help. I've been having depression episodes for many years, the treatment seems to not work properly. I've had many medicines and therapy so far. 

In result, I have no friends. I've disacivated my facebook account and generally disappeared for few months because I was feeling so bad and depressed.
All relationships I had so far turned out to be very shallow. Noone asked if everything was fine, noone cared when I disappeared. I feel very lonely. Even when I have a better day there's nobody to hang out.
 
I know I can't blame anybody for that but me. It's only my fault I'm not able to have any long lasting friendship. It's just my lack of social abilities. 

All I have it's family but they're very difficult to deal with. Telling them about all these things I experience is pointless. 

I don't know how to deal with that. I want to find a long lasting, deep and safe friendship (not a romantic partner, it's out of options). But it looks like a mission impossible for an autistic adult. People seem to be focused on things like work, family, romantic partners and noone even thinks about friendship. 

I just had to write it all. Feeling so bad.