long vent sorry. i’ve been crying for hours, i have work in a couple hours and i just can’t stop crying, all night. this is my second new years with my boyfriend but the first we spent together. it was going so good, i was with his family all day and things were literally going so good all fucking day until TWENTY MINUTES before the clock turned we got into an argument, because of course things can’t ever go smooth especially not on what was supposed to be a special night… so i spent the next fifteen minutes so upset and hurt that when we were downstairs with everybody he wouldn’t even stand close to me and that we had to just pretend to be happy, and it wasn’t a genuine moment anymore. i was supposed to be in his arms watching the ball drop with him and his family and it was supposed to be excited and happy. instead ALL i could think about and focus on was my feelings and how hurt i was and how i was already mourning a moment that hadn’t happened yet. 

then when it finally came time for our nye kiss (which it’s my first one ever) he didn’t kiss me straight away but instead went for a hug then a peck on the lips. i was going in for a kiss and bumped his cheek with mine and then i had to have an awkward fumble to get my kiss. which he already explained to me he just wanted to embrace me first then kiss me which is sweet sure but at the same time it’s like man i just wanted my happy, cute special little nye moment and i couldn’t even get that. i was so excited all month for that fucking kiss and he knew i was and of course it goes to shit twenty!! minutes!! before the ball drops. it wasn’t a genuine moment anymore because we were both upset at each other and had to mask it in front of his family. it wasn’t happy it wasn’t positive. the kiss was a fucking fumble. his fucking family probably noticed we were fighting because he kept talking loud in earshot of them and he kept like walking away from me when we were downstairs. it just fucking sucked overall. 

i don’t know why i can’t have a special nye like everyone else. i don’t know why i can’t have just a happy fucking peaceful evening that goes smoothly. it fucking breaks my heart and i know to some people it’s silly and  trivial matter to be sad about… but i had to grow up so young i never had a healthy relationship and so to finally be in one, i’m experiencing a lot of new things. this was our first nye spend physically together and it just fucking got ruined RIGHT at the end. my inner child is so so fucking devastated i just wanted a good evening and it hurts so bad. it was forgettable and miserable and just made me start my new year so depressed and heartbroken. i can’t go back in time and fix the night and every time i think of our first nye together it’s just gonna be a memory of this pain that i’m feeling now. it was supposed to be special and loving and i can’t EVER get that back.