I am having the worst time of my life.

He broke up with me a few weeks ago, but we are still living together until October probably. It's because he is working, and I am supposed to be preparing for the exams, and we are kind of having a hard time financially so it is the best option currently. Also, he said he "wanted to be here so that I wouldn't be alone". He said that because a week or so before he broke up with me, I started going to a psychiatrist and was put on antidepressants. We didn't talk much about the break up because he doesn't want to talk about it, but he did mention something about him feeling bad being a part of the reason he stayed for 2 more months. So I wouldn't say it's because he genuinely cares about me, he just wants to feel better about himself and not feel like a jerk for abandoning a depressed person.

But I am more lonely than ever, and I am having a hard time living with him. He works 8h, and during the time he is home, he is being in his room all the time or playing video games. When we go on balcony for a smoke, he doesn't talk to me, just keeps scrolling through his phone. When he has a day off it's the same.

Yesterday night I had some sort of a breakdown. I got high on the medicine I use, and I also smoked some weed. I posted about it on reddit, and one kind person left me a comment that made me sob, so he came into my room and held me while I cried. 

The next day he wouldn't even ask me if I was feeling any better. He knows I'm in a bad place, and even though he is still here to be my "support", he just keeps avoiding me and only gives me 15min of his time when I'm having a breakdown like that. 

I want to move out but I don't have the money to live alone, and I am very anxious to find a new place with a new roommate. I am anxious around people I don't know, and also I've been living in this apartment for 2 years. It became my home, my place of comfort. I don't know how I'll be able to survive moving away from here.

Also, I have 3 exams next month. I haven't studied at all because I just can't focus. I spend my days getting high on weed, sleeping pills, benzos, and cutting myself. I don't have any friends in this city and no one to go out with. I'm also considering getting alcohol or some harder drug because I can't stand the reality I'm in. I was so motivated (before he left me, when I started medicine) to start therapy and get better, but now I'm back to square one. I keep thinking about killing myself, and it makes me feel even worse knowing I can't do it to my family, so I'm stuck in this shitty world.

Sometimes I wish it's actually his way of forcing me to change something, like some sort of tough love, and that in October, if I get a bit better, we will try again. But I can see the way he acts towards me and the way he looks at me, and I know what he said was true - he doesn't have feelings for me anymore and we are done.

But then, I wish I could just hate him with all my being and fall out of love with him. He hurt me too many times and keeps hurting me every day. I want to destroy whatever's keeping me attached to him, but I don't know how. Some days I think I made it and I actually feel good that I'm free from him, but in a few hours the whole cycle repeats again.

I don't want to be in love with him and I don't want him to be my FP. I wish I never replied to his message. I am scared if something doesn't change I'll find any way to get some hard drug, or just take everything I have and OD. 

I hate myself and my disordered head.