Trigger warning : anxiety, trauma, manipulation, death

Tldr : I suffer from anxiety since childhood, due to very toxic family environment. Got no sex ed, got manipulated and triggered, didn't understand consent. Ended up with an std but also became hypochondriac and always thinking about death. 


I've had quite a rough childhood in which i received no affection and lived in constant fear because of my parents. I'd always be trembling that my mom or dad would for god knows what reason be mad at me, beat me or punish me. I had to always think of solutions even to the dumbest situations, sometimes there would be a big argument because i forgot the lights on. I spent my whole life dreaming about living away from home and being free, i dreamt about building a new family with friends I'd chose and cherish and i dreamt of happiness. Fast forward, i got the chance to live alone far away and to study abroad, i had big dreams and big expectations but once i came here, i realized that years of traumas couldn't just heal by moving out. I, at first, felt so lost, at the age of 20 i felt like my whole life had passed and that i can never go back in time and get to live a normal childhood and teenagerhood, i felt like i was a weirdo and a stranger, not forget that i had problems making friends in my new town so i felt even sadder. I also felt lost because i didn't know what to do with my life anymore, i doubted all my choices and didn't know what to expect from life, i just wanted to be free and i was free... But then what? I started to have bulimic episodes again and i was contemplating suicide. There was a guy who kept forcing himself into my life, and having no friends... I just gave in, i needed reassurance, validation and love. Something about him triggered all my childhood traumas, maybe it was his way of talking, i dont know but all i knew is that I'd become quiet around him and that i was scared but at the same time unable to stop the rp. Due to the very strict parents i had, i never really had any sex ed. You'd laugh about it but all i knew were the things i watched in series, i never knew anything about diseases or stds. I wasn't into having sex, but he kind of shamed me for it, telling me that I'm this old and inexperienced. He triggered the things that mind has been telling me, so i gave in. A month later he broke up with me, and two months later, i, by chance, came across articles and realised how dangerous it is to have unprotected sex. Yes im dumb and naive. All my life has been calculated, i always had solutions for everything and suddenly, i was facing something i never expected. I believed that i was sick and my anxiety that was bearable for the most of my life, became a living hell. I had to wait 2 months for results and I've seen hell during this two months, from panick attacks to ideas about death to actually accepting the idea that I'm dying and being unable to tell anyone about it.
In the end, most my results were fine, i had an odd syphilis result that indicated that i got sick but i was healed (never got it before), i got a treatment anyways and the strongest one (they gave me a late latent syphilis treatment even though it hasn't been more than a year since the exposure). For hepatite b, they found out that i have a profile of someone who got vaccinated. And the rest was just fine.
Yet my mind won't stop torturing me, my mind is shaming me, attacking me and telling me that I'm in danger. For the hepatite result, it doesnt want to believe the results, it tells me that I've probably been exposed again and refuses to believe the results. It tells me that the syphilis didn't heal yet, and worse, it tells me that i dont deserve to exist and that i should be ashamed of myself for having been ignorant.
I've been unable to finish work, all i do is lay around read tons of articles or wait for the panick attack to pass.
I'm truly tired.
I just needed to let it out to someone, i sometimes start crying and apologizing, i dont know to whom, maybe to the whole world? Maybe to myself? I'm very tired, i wish I'd forgive myself, I wish I'd find the strength to enjoy life again.