Putting it out there first that I love my FP. He’s one of my best friends. He’s kind, funny, quirky, dependable, and loves me back unconditionally. I want him in my life and I want it to be a healthy friendship. 

It feels impossible when every thought I have ultimately leads back to that. I was reading a book yesterday with bed bugs as a plot point, I think back to him talking about bed bugs. I talked to my partner about alcohol this morning, boom there is me thinking about my FP’s sobriety. This happens with everything! No matter what thought I have, it leads back to my FP. My partner and I talk a lot about leaving the country, and the first thing my brain goes to is how he could get out. While this would be problematic enough if we were partners. But we’re friends and he doesn’t know that I’m obsessed with him and also physically attracted to him. Being reminded about him every five seconds feels like torture even as I wish I could be with him 24/7. Possibly especially. 

I don’t want this. I want something healthy, if more intimate than most friendships. Since we’re not with each other and likely never will (me being engaged kinda stymies that), these intrusive thoughts are more torture than anything. I know there’s no easy solution to not having an FP. But if anyone else has dealt with this, I need to know how stop intrusive thoughts like this or at least weather them better.