Ben and I have been with each other for two years now, and we are supposed to move in with each other at the start of December. He currently lives on the other side of the country and has for the last five months while he trains to become a police officer, but he will be done soon. Distance has been hard, to say the least, and it has made this relationship almost impossible to maintain. We have seen each other twice in the last five months, and on one of those occasions, I became pregnant. I'm about six weeks now.

Since the start of the relationship, he has been aware of the fact that I have borderline personality disorder. His mother was bipolar and he has had depression for years, so I think he understand me, or at least accepted me. We fell in love with each other rather fast, and I think that love has been what he consistently holds on to because I'm not sure why else he is with me.

Basically, I up and leave him at least once per month since we started to date. It can be much more frequent than that, and sometimes the next time will happen days after the first. Usually these break-ups happen because I fear that he will abandon me first. As an example, if I make a small mistake in our relationship, I need to jump at the chance to end the relationship first before he dumps me. Or, it will be because of my own low self-esteem. I will think that he doesn't deserve this kind of treatment and will be able to find someone better, and I chose to leave him so he can have that. I just have the most intense, unnecessary outbursts and I **know** in those moments that I'm completely irrational and should deal with it in a more mature need. But I crave the reassurance that he provides me with.

Ben will always plead with me to stay with him. He reminds me how awesome our relationship when we are okay. He reminds me how happy he is with me, how much he loves me. How he wants to continue to fight for us. He tells me how much he can't wait to move in with me, how he wants to marry me, how he had plans to propose in a month (which I ruined...). He says and does all the right things, but I continue to push, push, push. I push him away all the time, and it makes it harder for me to come back because each time I have such intense guilt about the hurt I cause him. The thoughts of "I wish he was with someone normal" and the thought that he won't ever truly get over this or forgive me. 

It seems like I come in and out of this. Some days I will be fine, level-headed and 'normal.' And then a week later, I'm explosive and irrational. It comes out of nowhere, and it seems like there is no real reason for it. I was once at work and had an awesome day, and when I walked across the room to grab something, I suddenly became overwhelmingly angry about nothing. I hadn't interacted with anyone. Hadn't even had any negative thoughts. It was just random. And that happens a lot to me.

I honestly feel like I have lost my mind. And I'm not sure how to help myself. I've been in therapy before. I've had four different therapists, all with different methods, and found that none of them work for me. Unfortunately, therapy is too expensive for me now (I was covered under insurance, but I switched jobs and no longer am). I've been on medication, but that didn't help me much either. I try to journal, exercise, eat properly. But too be honest, it is hard to stay motivated to do all of that because all I want to do is lie around and mope. 

I know that eventually, the fears that I have about this relationship will come true. One day he won't love me. One day he will leave me. Or one day he won't plead with me to stay. It has all happened before. But those relationships were meaningless, and this one means the world. 

Ever since I found out I was pregnant, I have had no days of being 'normal'. It's just one constant string of worry, frustration, anger, fear and depression. I'm excited about the idea of having a baby with him. I'm just scared. Terrified. And he doesn't seem to want to talk about it at all. He was excited when I told him, he's been wanting this for a while. But when I bring up the baby in these fights (like saying I'm scared about having a baby and how it will change our lives), he doesn't respond to that at all. He glosses over it. It makes me feel like he doesn't care.

I don't know. I just wanted to vent. Maybe someone can give me some helpful advice about how to seek help, what worked for them. I really do want to do better. It's just so hard to pull yourself out of this. I have someone who loves me to death, and has been the most supportive and patient person in the world. I'm afraid to let him down. I'm afraid I won't live up to these expectations that he has that once we live together, everything will be ok. 







