I really hate this disorder. Since being diagnosed everyone looks at me differently, I’ve also had some self awareness hit me square in the face and realise that I’ve become a very selfish person inside and I hate it. I feel like because of events that happened to me as a child that were out of my control my whole life has been a lie and I’m in a simulation. I can’t get help from my local team for sa because I’m a male and the uk seem to think that men don’t have trauma so I am treated differently to my own partner who has similar trauma and the SAME DISORDER and has been in therapy for over 12 months whereas I’ve come out of a psych ward and had 0 help for 2 years. I’ve been called violent and narcissistic despite never hurting anybody but myself physically, I had a previous consultant who was fired tell my mum I was diagnosed with NPD when it reality it was BPD. This caused my mum to stop talking to me because she thought I was a narcissist. I get told to reach out and after years I finally did only to be told that because I’m a male the support for me isn’t there and I should either crack on with life or be put on more medication (for a disorder proven to be only properly remissable by therapy 🤷🏻‍♂️). I’m at the end of my tether, I’ve lost my best friend to suicide and my partner is the only reason I stay alive but I feel like I’m staying alive just because I’m her fp and I don’t want her to feel the constant feelings I feel and wouldn’t want her to take her life because of me. Feeling very hollow inside.