Hey everyone: i was diagnosed with severe panic disorder and agoraphobia at the age of 13. It stunted my dating life, which didn’t start for me until age 19, with my first of three actual girlfriends at the age of 21.

Every single woman I’ve dated wonders if we are compatible because I find planning social stuff makes me anxious. Not full on panic attacks usually but I have a medication problem from trying to mask my problems, which if left Without meds I doubt I’d have a job, friends, any reason to live really. 

But I guess I don’t know where to draw the line. I’m 30 now. My fiancée just said “maybe we are not compatible” because the one day this break we were chilling and I didn’t need to feel drained like shit, I was asked to plan for this weekend for more social stuff. It’s so draining. I don’t know when it’s acceptable to put myself first, and if I do, I fear losing my future spouse. Please don’t tell me I should split. Statistically speaking I’ve hit the lotto having her. I’m gay. I don’t have the illusion of a bajillion choices like straight tinder looks like. I’m willing to compromise and so is she, as no relationship will work otherwise.  We also have a lot in common beyond superficial stuff.

Anyway. Of the three women I’ve dated, I have heard this from all of them: my dislike of going out is a downside for them, possibly the biggest strain on our relationship. I (feel as if I) put myself in plenty of uncomfortable situations, especially in my current relationship, but maybe from her perspective it doesn’t look that way.

I was thinking...if I had an illness that was regarded as “real,” my lack of planning might be acceptable. Of course, I’ve definitely heard that many people with chronic illnesses (as opposed to acute ones) often get left by loved ones as well.

I don’t know how to ask this. How do you all please your significant others while also respecting your own mental health needs?

Anyone relate to this? Any success dating? Marrying someone who understands but also doesn’t totally become complacent. I realize exposure is a wonderful way to rid fears, but I also give myself a lot of shit if I say no to things. 

Maybe I’m also trying to figure out how often it’s ok to want to be alone too