I was talking to my friend, and he was telling me about how he planned on asking out his friend. It's been a few months since they met, it seems pretty clear that there's at least something there, and he's planning on asking her out. He's nervous, of course, and concerned about the possibility of rejection, but it feels like he's handling it normally.

Me, on the other hand--- I have been sitting with this disgusting feeling for 6 months straight, doing absolutely nothing about it, hating myself every second. Everything she does is significant to me, I can't think about anything other than her, and my mood is entirely determined by how I understand her to perceive me. I'm too afraid of rejection to do anything or say anything, I'm too concerned about her feelings to make things awkward, and I'm too delusional to pick up on any signs, positive or negative. I feel empty, furious at myself, and depressed all the time because of this, and I can't do the one thing (confession) that'll allow me to move on because I'm just too scared. I don't even care about a relationship. I just want to stop feeling this. I have never been in so much mental pain in my life.

I just... I just envy people with the ability to deal with this shit normally. To confront the fear of rejection yet do what's best for them. To have infatuation and crushes be an overall fun feeling. It's not fun for me, though. It's just agonizing. So unbearably agonizing.