I broke up with my boyfriend, I feel terrible. I knew it was unhealthy but why do i feel guilty over my decision? And i do not mix up sadness and culpability at all. It really is also guilt and i dont know what i did to feel that way. I know i did bad things and he did too, the difference is that i changed to get better for the relationship, while he changed for himself. I felt left out, abandonned, not understood and just a "illness", not someone. I feel so alone. I am panicking thinking of living another day. I pushed away all my friends (for good reasons) and the only friend remaining is someone i didnt see since 3 years. 

He will probably hate me forever and get over it after some months, maybe after a year but i wont. I am still crying about the loss of one of my FP from 5 years ago. I feel like i lost my chance. He was the one and now it's gone. And i'm so scared he will see that message, i'm just so tired of always feeling like i need to be careful about everything. I feel exhausted. All my confidence went away. I feel not worth anything, ugly, abusive, evil, stupid, disgusting and just "an illness"