Long story short, my dad left me. Not like he left when I was little and I never knew him. I was a daddys girl. We were best friends. He left me when I was 15. Then he came back when I was 17 for a few months and left AGAIN. Haven't seen him in years. Crushed my fucking soul and fucked me up mentally. 
I'm an adult now and I've since had a child and tried having a family on my own. My son's Dad is extremely inconsistent when it comes to wanting me, he is extremely avoidantly attached. We are always in again, off again. He will go periods of torturing me with silwnt treatment type begavior which is my BPD noghtmare. But what really fucking gets to me is when my 2.5 yr old son always chooses his dad over me. He would always rather be with him. He will bawl when he's with me, begging to go to his dad's house. He will physically push me away and say "no mommy, I want daddy!!". I have done DBT, I have gotten sober, I have put in so much work to ensure that my son has a good life and a solid reliable mother. I have used skills like no fucking other since becoming a mom. I am dead set in not letting my BPD affect my child negatively. But when this happens it is HELL for me, internally. It triggers me to want to SH and gives me SI and makes me totally spiral.

I feel rejected by the whole idea of a family. I wanted to have a family, I thought if I could have a happy, somewhat normal little family of my own maybe I could start to recover from the grief and pain of being abandoned by my dad.

But no. I'm not made for fucking family I guess. I feel like a failure as a mother and just a failure in this world and in this life. I'm in pain and it never goes away.