Where do I start?
 
I am losing it. I am completely losing any control and watching my life crumble.
 
I have some kind of mental illness (and have since I was a child). Various doctors and psychiatrists have diagnosed me with Bipolar 2, Borderline personality disorder, anxiety disorder and depression. I’m not sure at this point it even really matters what the label is. I exhibit symptoms common among these traits – long periods of depression, crippling anxiety, anxiety-fuelled rages, suicidal thoughts.

I am no victim. In fact, I am the aggressor quite often. I am verbally abusive towards my husband. I often blame him for my problems or any small thing that might go wrong. I know this is deeply wrong and that he deserves better. He is a kind, compassionate person that has tried to do his best and I just shit on him for it. We have a child, and I try to shelter my child from my rages, but am not always able to. Occasionally, I yell at my child. I am afraid to be left alone with my child for long periods of time because I feel unable to control my rages. I don’t really know how this is impacting my kid (he’s a kind and loving kid, but I know I’m damaging him). I know that I’m hurting my husband, and that my actions have damaged our marriage severely. Beyond that, I feel that I should probably leave my marriage (and have even tried to provoke my husband into leaving me) because he deserves better. And because I idolize the idea of being alone and no longer being responsible for anyone besides myself (even though I know I would be terribly lonely and that would just feed my depression, loneliness and anxiety…I suspect if I was alone I would probably be dead within a couple of years either from suicide, alcoholism or drug abuse).
 
I have tried therapies (CBT, DBT, talking) and medications. They have all been mostly a waste of time, with the best of them only being mildly effective for a short period of time. I have psychoanalyzed my own upbringing (I was emotionally abused by a father that acted much as I do now; anxious and full of rage at the drop of a hat. I don’t hold any resentment towards him, I just try not to spend too much time around him because he’s still an ass). I do a lot of yoga. I try not to eat garbage and keep a strict sleep schedule. I used to drink too much, but lately I have greatly reduced my alcohol consumption and can walk away after one or two drinks (and rarely exceed that). But it seems none of those efforts matter, because some small thing can go wrong and I am suddenly full of rage and loathing, hurling abuse and making plans to leave and/or kill myself.
 
I often think I should kill myself. I probably would, except that it would hurt my family and child. I was once on the receiving end of a spiteful suicide and I’ve never really recovered, so I don’t want to do that to anyone else. I don’t have a plan, and I destroyed the last note I wrote a few weeks ago.
 
I also think I should probably just leave, but I don’t want to abandon my child. He hasn’t done anything wrong and I don’t want him to think I left because I don’t love him. I would divorce my husband and split custody, except we live in a place where I don’t know many people and I doubt I would last long in this environment on my own. I can’t imagine living here by myself (I really, really detest where we live and have been hoping he could find a new job so we could move for years). I pretty much torched my career in order to support his (I think this is where some of my anger and resentment comes from). But it was my choice and I made it freely. I am solely responsible for the place I find myself now.
So, how do I subtract myself (or at least my abusive rage, anxiety and depression) from this equation? How do I make sure my kid grows up healthy, my husband gets the love and fair treatment he deserves? I am at my wit’s end with psychiatrists pushing pills that just make me tired and fat (and still don’t stop my anger and abuse). The one pill that really helps (clonazepam) they don’t want to give me anymore because benzos=bad (I go days at a time without taking any because I am on a limited script, I am not addicted). My therapist is nice, but pretty useless. I feel like none of the small things I have done make a difference. So what is left?
 
I know I am a monster and probably don’t deserve any help. But my family does. What can I do?

TLDR; I’m suffering out of control rage issues and don’t know if I should kill myself, leave my family or...what. I just know I need to change.