they call me, say "i am coming over", then when they get here they gather me into their arms and hold me while i sob with fear and they hold and hold me and tell me it's going to be okay until i have calmed down. they help me take care of all the things i am too overwhelmed to do. they give me relief.

i have no one like that. but i can't stop imagining them, over and over and over. i keep thinking, if only i had them, maybe i could survive this.

the panic has been so bad for almost 2 months now. not eating enough, not sleeping enough, never letting up. there is no real rest, except sometimes, rarely, when i sleep.

i just keep waiting for this imaginary person that is never going to come.