And then I wasn’t. Had a good day today, hell, have had a good couple months. Felt relatively stable after months of med adjustments. Cut back on and then gave up booze entirely. Some rough patches but nothing too major. Then earlier tonight as I was chatting with my wife before bed, for no reason, my train of thought blurred, my breathing got heavy, I staggered to bed while popping some emergency Xanax then laid there twitching completely overwhelmed.  I tossed the camping knife I had on my nightstand (just returned from a trip couple days ago and hadn’t put it away yet) across the room since I had a huge urge to just start stabbing myself with it. And through my totally scrambled thoughts eventually one managed to stand out: “Fuck” I thought, “all that progress and I’m back to this shit again.” Now it’s 3am, I’m wide awake despite sleep meds, and I know tomorrow (well I guess it’s actually today now) will suck. Sigh.