TW SELF HARM

I am just about ready to relapse after little less than. A year of being clean and battling every impulse imaginable right now .  Begging for help I do not know what to do . Have been deliriously crying and I just want all these feelings to stop right now. Need something mind numbing. Anyone have any advice ?

Technically I did relapse but I’m not even counting it because it was just one cut, but I’m sitting here in the restroom with this box cutter and this is my last chance for stopping myself further. I know how pathetic I sound right now whining on reddit but I really don’t know what to do and I’m trying so badly to have self control hence this post.

I’m not gonna kill myself. I just need these feelings and noises to go away.

Thank you so much for the help