I have really bad blind rage issues. I'm on mood stabilizers so it could be so much worse but when I feel like someone is screwing me over (they're usually not but in my head they are) I say and threaten terrible things that I don't mean. I usually can't even remember what the person said to upset me after I calm down. When I go into this headspace it feels like something else takes control for a minute and in the back of my head Im regretting what I'm doing as I do it. I know other people shouldn't have to deal with this verbal abuse but I feel like I can barely control it and it's hard for me to believe it's 100% my fault but nobody seems to understand no matter how much I try to explain it.
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Here's the actual venting. So my roommate (M) hates me bc of how I can get which again I can somewhat understand however my other roommate (F) was triggered by her friend (she has cptsd) and literally physically beat her up friend and M somehow thinks this is justified bc F's friend was actually an asshole to her and it wasn't just in her head. The worst I've ever done was push over a chair and I was able to stop myself from pushing it hard enough to cause any damage at all. This is so upsetting for me that physically hurting someone is justifiable and I'm the hated one. I hate this life honestly it's been hard lately. I won't get into detail so I don't have to label this as a trigger warning. I didn't do anything so don't worry about my well being or wtvr.
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There's more but I don't feel like talking about that now. Feedback would be nice tho.