Proxies and  throwaway here, because I just wanna tell someone without worrying about  getting the cops called on me. I'm not trying to garner sympathy,  because I know that the responses to this will always be drones of "OMG  SICKO, YOU SHOULD GO TO JAIL FOR ANIMAL CRUELTY, I WILL BEAT YOUR ASS  AND DOX YOU AND ORDER 100 PIZZAS TO YOUR HOUSE AND GET YOU FIRED", and I  understand that, because I can't comprehend what it's like to actually  have empathy for mice. I'm just describing the situation that led up to  this fucked up hobby

I remember when I  was 4 years old, I had this unexplained complex towards mice, and mice  alone, no other species. I love all other animals; I wouldn't hurt a  baby bird or cat or human, so I'm not gonna escalate to serial killing. I  have a pet rabbit that I love. My entire life this hatred has been  restricted to only mice, Mus musculus. Something about that particular  species really gets to me. When I see a mouse, even in a cartoon (can't  stand Tom and Jerry), I think it's really cute but I also want to hurt  it so bad and listen to its cute squeaks of pain. I don't feel this way  about rats at all, and would even keep a rat as a loving pet. I think  rats are TOO sentient to the point that torturing it would make me  guilty.

Some hypotheses for this: My mom  was always very scared of mice. Would scream like the world is ending if  she saw one. I think mice are cute but they are too scared to be played  with, which inspires frustration and means the only way to play with  them is by torturing them. Instinct to avoid rodent-borne diseases?  Maybe I have repressed memories of being molested at Chuck E. Cheese.  joking with that last one

Recently my  social life has been falling apart due to life changes. Lost all my  friends, and I never talk to anyone in my college classes, and there are  no clubs in the summer for meeting people, which drove these latent  urges of mouse torture to resurface after years of dormancy. Torturing  mice to death is the best stress reliever for me. For the week after I  do it, I feel rejuvenated and able to stop procrastinating on my  homework.

Mice are the perfect torture  subjects, too. They are obviously intelligent enough to suffer (I can  see their intellect when they try to escape me in creative ways) but  people don't care about animals regarded as "vermin" as much as other  animals. Very disposable and cheap, a live feeder mouse is just $3. It's  legal because Mus musculus aren't protected in the animal welfare act.

In the past 2 weeks I have tortured 4 mice to death. Here's how I did it:

Mouse  #1: Suffocated to death by squeezing its head with tongs. Got  satisfaction from seeing it squirm around trying to escape, but died too  quickly (30 seconds), and not as satisfying since I didn't get to hear  it squeak or mutilate it

Mouse #2: The  most satisfying one yet. I tormented it by holding it by the tail for  minutes by end, and taunting it by hanging a pen in front of it and  watching it try to grab on. Trapped it in a cup and watched it jumping  around trying to escape. Pinched its tail with a pencil and watched it  squeak and pace around and lick its tail in pain. Then the grand finale:  Used scissors to rip off all 4 arms and legs, bled everywhere and  squeaked so loud, until it was just a terrified head and torso with no  way to run away when I scared it, LOL. Died in 15 seconds from blood  loss and shock.

Mouse #3: Stupid. Kept it in the car too long, died after 4 hours of heat exhaustion. It suffered a lot but never got to see it

Mouse  #4: Held it by the tail and pinched the tip of the tail and ripped it  off to watch the mouse squirm around while hanging. Submerged it in a  pot of boiling water, squeaked for a few seconds and quickly died from  internal burns.

I have many many ideas.  Injecting 10 cc of water with a hypodermic needle to induce severe water  intoxication. Dropping in sulfuric acid. Razor blade.

It's  actually really energizing for me and helps me do homework. But it's  really addicting, I can't stop. People say I need to get help, what does  that mean? Search for "psychologist" on google maps and call them up  for an appointment? I know I'm not a budding serial killer because I do  not feel this way at all towards any other animals or humans. Only Mus  musculus.