I've been depressed since i was a child. I was sexually abused by someone in my family when I was really little and no one cared or did anything about it. No charges where filed, wasn't put in therapy, nothing at all and i still see the person around town. I grew up feeling like it shouldn't have been a big deal because no one seemed to care, but i think it really fucked me up. It might havw ruined my life.I hate my body I hate myself I feel disgusting and anxious even all these years later. Ive never spoken to anyone about it because my family doesnt talk about anything. My mom abandoned us when I was 9, but she would come back every now and again and sweep me up in her crazy when she got too guilty and then she would drop me again when she got bored and everytime I'd think may be this will be the time she keeps me....last time I saw her a few weeks ago she was on meth. I couldnt deal with it. I just gave her a hug and left. I don't think I'll see her again. my dad neglected me yet i  feel sad for him. I see my inability to cope with the real world in him and because of that I always pretend to be fine to preserve his feelings for some reason. he didn't teach me how to survive. He did the bare minimum. Roof over head and food in the cupboard and thats it. It wasnt untile recently that i realized parents are supposed to do more then feed you and not only interact with you when its convienent for them.i wish i knew that when i was a kid because i would have told cps and maybe things cpuld have been different for me. I wasn't taught self hygiene, or how to socialize, or how to drive or how to deal with emotions,  I wasn't fed properly or taught how to feed myself and so I didn't eat at school and when I'd come home id be starving and shovel junk into me and my dad or brothers would tell me I was gross. i hardly eat now, when I do I feel guilty, I think they might have accidentally given me an eating disorder. I dropped out when I was 16 because i couldnt handle school, anxiety and depression and lack of support made it too hard. I started working instead and I've been working at the same place for 7 years, pretty much on autopilot. I'll never make more then minimum wage. I left home when I was 17 and tried to live on my own but I was so lost and overwhelmed and I couldn't do it alone so I got into a  codependent relationship with someone older then me that lasted 4 years and we where abusive and toxic to each other, probably because the only place I've learned about love/relationships is from books and tv. He assaulted me a few times and I just kinda let him get away with it because I didn't want to be alone even though I knew I should have done something about it. He put up with my depression and all my other crap so I felt like I deserved it. I feel ashamed and stupid for it all now. When he broke up with me I didn't know what else to do, I don't know how to survive on my own on one minimum wage income, he kept our apartment and I didn't want to end up homeless if I fucked up again, so I moved back in with my dad. Back right where I started. My family is broken beyond repair, its hardly even a family, just people who happen to be related. I'm 22 now and I still feel like a child. I can't do anything.  I havent done anything productive in years. I get overwhelmed by simple tasks.Im always tired, I just want to sleep forever. All I do is go to work and come home and sleep. I can't afford therapy and I don't even know where to start looking for someone who can help me. I have no friends. I can hardly get out of bed to get to work any more, once I lose the job I will have nothing. I just feel like a shell at this point. Hollow and numb. I think the only option is to end it but I'm really scared. I feel like an alien. I have no peers. Everyone my age is in college or working and having fun and doing all the things young people do and i want to be there too. I can feel all my prime years slipping away and im just watching them go. My brain is all twisted up about it because the way I've been coping all these years is by lying to myself that my family is normal and everything is fine and I'm fine and nothing is wrong, like intense all the time day dreaming, but everything is so wrong. I don't think I can keep pretending, but when I don't pretend then all I want to do is go down the street and throw myself off the bridge because then I have to admit that all the stuff that has happened to me and around me is real. It's easier to just sleep and pretend like nothing is real.