He says I keep dissociating and acting cold to him. I will dissociate really bad for a few hours and afterwards not really remember it, then he tells me I have hurt him by having a sharp tone and concern him when he feels I’m not fully there and I apologize to the best of my ability. We’re good most of the time. But when it’s bad it’s really bad. 

I had a meltdown Saturday. I told him all the reasons we shouldn’t be together for 20 minutes then 1 minute after listing them forgot ALL of it. He ended up agreeing and said we shouldn’t do it anymore. I proceeded to beg him not leave me and cried and broke a pole that was in the street. I had little control over my limbs and couldn’t stop moving them. When I finally calmed down he had me stay the night- presumably because he thought I would go home and do something stupid. We had a great day the next day and then at night discussed it again. He cried for 2 hours saying he wish it didn’t have to be this way. I apologized sincerely for my breakdown but he was repeating that it’s getting difficult to take care of me while also trying to take care of himself, and even worse that I won’t fully commit because I’m scared of switching and hurting him further.

I’m really not a bad person, but I keep feeling like I’m losing my mind and hurting those I love. I am quite upset and I’m just waiting for this particularly bad phase of symptoms to wind down but it’s starting to seem like that will never happen.