For years now I've been slowly slipping further and further in to horrible depression. Any time I think, "okay well this is rock bottom, only up from here!", I just fall further than I thought was possible. 

I would already be dead by now if it wasn't for my brother beating me to the punch and killing himself in November. I thought him dying would be enough to keep me around, as I didn't think I could leave my mom alone without any kids left, but as each day passes my guilt lessens, and I can feel myself getting back to the tipping point where I just say fuck it. It's getting harder and harder now to wake up, knowing that the day in front of me consists of nothing. I have no motivation to change anything, I have no motivation to do anything. 

I have crippling anxieties that the few friends I have left are out to get me, and are secretly having a blast without me, and that they only keep me around because they feel bad for me. This then makes me do stupid things, self sabotage, act weird around them, and push them away. It's as if I have to make everything a self-fulfilling prophecy. I think something is happening, therefore I do everything in my power to make it so, so that I can then go "HA! SEE, I WAS RIGHT!". 

People always say, "it'll get better", "just go for walks", "visit family", "try new hobbies", but it's all bullshit. It's such generic bullshit advice that they're just regurgitating as if I haven't heard it a million times before. It doesn't get better unless you're lucky and something in your brain just clicks in to place for you so that you can start functioning again. 

I'm on the medications, I'm doing the therapy. Nothing. Works.

The worst thing about all of this is that I know what to do to make myself better. I know how to improve my life - I just physically and mentally cannot get myself to do it, it's like I'm being trapped by myself.