I got bad news Saturday afternoon and when I got off work I knew I had to leave the house and clear my mind. I went to the bar thinking I wasn't really going to drink, just hangout with friends and hear the band. But the more I thought about the bad news I lost all logic and had one too many. Typically I'd of Uber'd there and back but I thought I would drive there and Uber back if I actually did end up drinking. I decided at the end of the night I'd just drive, who cares, who cares about anything. I was pulled over for speeding. Next thing you know I'm at the police substation blowing a 0.15 bac.  (Legal limit here is 0.08.) Now they were going to let me go home and just come to court to deal with this Friday. But instead I started telling them they are the reason people hate cops (I don't have any real life ill feelings towards police officers) among probably other hateful things. I can't remember. I just remember screaming and being mean as hell. They said that they changed their mind, I wasn't going home. 

Next thing ya know I'm being processed downtown and put in a holding cell. I managed to cryptically text my boss at some point in all this that I couldn't work in the morning and I was sorry. I was locked up for 16 hours where had I kept my stupid mouth in check I'd of been home and woke up and went to work.

My family is mad at me but there for me, my boss is a saint and I still have my job but fuck, I hate when this happens. I have been dealing with BDP as early as 9 years old, though then I wasn't diagnosed, just a weird fucked up kid until my early 20s when it was actually called something other than a dramatic selfish person. I've done so well to control my symptoms and avoid things that lead to things like this. I don't date because I know I can't handle emotions on that level in a healthy manner. I walk away when I know something or someone is making me angry so I don't melt down and release hell upon everyone in the vicinity. 

Now I am out on an OR bond, trying to get a public defender and awaiting court in 3 weeks, I probably won't be able to drive for a year. I don't want to talk to my doctor about any of this but probably should. 

