. I always picture myself looking different. It depends on how I feel though. Sometimes I feel like I'm a different gender even. I feel like my emotions and personality dont match my face sometimes. It's been a long time since I felt connected to myself. I'm having an identity crisis I think. I've been having a lack of motivation from it. I've had  identity issues since I was a child for some reason. Now it just feels way worse for some reason. I dont like identifying with any gender. But  I feel feminine a lot and masculine. It rotates. When I was a kid I thought I looked different and I felt terrified that people would notice.. I feel this the most when I get angry. I wish I could change my look to match how I feel but I dont know what that involves. I'm definitely me though. 

I'm Autistic and I have anxiety. I think that's the cause. I'm not worried about finding out the cause. I just really need to get rid of it. It makes me feel like I'm not complete honestly. It's like a jigsaw puzzle that is unsolvable. I feel like I have no connection to my identity. Like I'm me but I'm not confidently me. Like I dislike that word. I'm on 2 medications. They help but not with this. Also I find it so hard to talk about this to people because they get uncomfortable and they dont know how to help. It honestly feels suffocating. It's actually hard to get help because I feel like I have nothing wrong with me sometimes and that it's ok. I have a hard time recognizing my emotions. I bury them deep as well.

Nothing feels real sometimes. Like something will happen to me and I just dont realize it's a serious thing. Like I will feel pain but convince myself it's fake or that it isnt a real feeling. It takes me a while to process pain. Also I'll just have a weird feeling where I suddenly realize where I am. I've always had that. Like I will zone out without realizing until after. Its like I think I'm not actually there. Also once I thought a lady was talking to me.and telling me truths. They were hard to swallow. I snapped out of it and it was really bad feeling like shameful. I also get this horrible feeling randomly that I dont know how to describe because it lasts for like a few seconds. It's like a really weird feeling of not belonging but also feeling shameful, anxious, and like I've done something bad that people are gonna find out about. That's partly why I feel disconnected. Also  random things people say trigger it. It doesn't even have to be about me.

I feel like I'll be having conversations and then I'm not. It's very disorienting. I feel so lost honestly. I want friends but I dont want them at the same time. I need to sort out some things. When I try to talk about this, it sounds silly sometimes and I feel regret for even trying to talk about it. It fills me with a guilty feeling like the one you get when you gossip. This might sound weird I feel like I'm not supposed to talk about it because the more people who know, the worse it is. But it's not right to feel this way. I honestly think that I'm posessed sometimes. I really want to feel like I can get along with people and be the person they know and love. I just dont feel so presentable lately. I'm going to try mindfulness. Are there any ways to feel more connected? I've tried religion. Reading used to help but I dont feel as much joy from it. Music helps too.