i’m so depressed and it hurts. i don’t even know how it ended up being like this.

im so depressed and therapy doesn’t even help that much because i can only afford to go once a week. all the other days of the week im left feeling miserable. i spend a day with friends and im like “oh i feel happier now, maybe im not so depressed anymore” then when we all leave and i go home im depressed again. sometimes when i’m walking, standing in a room, whatever, i just get overwhelmed with sadness, like there’s no hope, like everything is pointless . 

and i hate that i hate myself. i value myself so lowly, i literaly think i’m worthless. i think all my friends hate me, i second guess and overthink everything. when did it end up being like this? i used to make friends in my lectures, connect with people, socialize. now i’ve lost contact with 90% of the friends i used to have due to lack of effort. i used to be such a cheerful confident teenager . i also used to be so high achieving - good grades, extra curricular, etc. what happened to that? why cant i be that person anymore? being proud of myself, working hard, used to be part of my identity. it is the worst to think that you’re just a shell of who you used to be. 

and i always end up resenting the people around me- my friends , my family. why aren’t they checking up on me more? how dare they have other friends and their own lives and are so much more happier than me? obviously it’s not their fault but i resent them anyways. them being happy literally triggers me. i hate myself for that