I haven't been with anyone in over a year; I was trying really hard to be 'good'. I've been trying really hard to be someone different...a better person, a person who has different values. I wanted to stay out of relationships until I met someone good for me. But I'm so f'ing lonely - so I met someone, and I slept with someone, and I agreed to something 'casual' because he's moving across the world in two months. I know it's no good, I know I'm going to get hurt - as much as I might try to fight it. But I missed that human contact, I missed being held, I missed being wanted...I missed that feeling of making a man 'melt', getting that validation even if it's through sex. 

But then I left his place this morning, and I felt sad. I started trying to picture some unrealistic future in which we make things work. I know that can't happen. But I haven't felt that 'excitement' about someone in such a long time. 

Maybe part of me is doing it on purpose specifically because he's leaving, then I can't ruin it. But my god, I want someone to love me.