It been a very bad last few weeks. I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts, depression and anxiety for about 6 years now. I had been getting worked up for bipolar disorder, but I changed doctors and I feel like that subject was dropped. 

I’m a medical student and finished my first semester a couple weeks ago, and I thought the rest would do me well but I haven’t been getting better.  I’m engaged and things have been going well with her, we’re looking for a place we can move in together next year which I’m looking forward to. I take venlafaxine 225mg daily and honestly I feel like it hasn’t been working. I haven’t talked to me therapist in a few weeks because she canceled our last couple of appts. I just feel numb and like I’m floating thru life now. 

I used to be addicted to adderall and weed. I haven’t used either in a while but I just don’t see the point in avoiding the weed anymore if things don’t get better without it. 

I had stopped SH for a few months and then I relapsed the other night. I didn’t do any bad damage, but I just wanted to feel the pain. I was tired of feeling nothing. 

I keep getting urges to cheat on my fiancé, snort adderall, smoke, or spend a lot of money. Just something new in my life that would make me feel something. But ultimately all of these things will make me feel worse in the long run. 

I can’t just keep doing this. I feel like I just go through the motions each day and I get no long term satisfaction from anything I do. I live with my parents still and while I love them, they stress me out beyond belief and I really can’t stand them 90% of the time. 

I just need something to change, but idk what. I want to switch my med but what if that makes me even worse? I just feel lost.