These past few weeks have been very eye opening for me. I’ve struggled with bpd for about a decade. It’s been undiagnosed for the vast majority of that time and now that I’ve finally reached out for professional help, I’ve realized that there is no reason to put a label on it. I haven’t tried dbt yet, but i’m sure it bases itself on teaching mindfulness, as per what i’ve read about it and it is something that I am willing to try in the upcoming months. Idk what triggered me but a couple of years ago I fell from “grace” if you will. (I was completely straight edge, healthy, self aware) I interpreted it as “falling from my high horse”, a horse that took me years to built. A horse that I dedicated most of my time and care to. I didn’t just fall off of it, it came tumbling down with me, it crumbled actually. I couldn’t put the pieces back together, I lost myself, everything lost its meaning. Most recently I developed a xanax dependency in about 2 or 2 1/2 weeks I really cannot remember how long I took them for. I took over 75mg within that time frame (something I have never in my life done before) and I only stopped because I went on a drinking binge and nearly killed myself. I ended up at the hospital a few days later for an iv and withdrawal treatment and the nurse told me I was playing Russian roulette with my life. And to top it all off… I was 2 weeks pregnant.  This all has been very traumatic and eye opening. I realized I’ve been too hard on myself. I expected too much out of myself and I stopped being grateful for all of the little things I used to do for myself. It is not ok to solely depend on another. I miss myself and the love and trust I had for myself. It will probably take me a long time to build another horse but that is where the healing starts. I can’t wait to sit pretty atop my horse, but for now all I can really do is start building again. I understand I didn’t provide much context, but the point is….. you don’t know how good you have it until you have to endure something really bad. I want stop blaming everything on outside forces now and start taking care of myself again. I wish you all nothing but the best. I hope you heal and learn to love yourself and others. 💗