I had an FP who, was a really great person. And. i just, i didnt wanted things to be this way.. i just. She is gone now. i didnt wanted to be abusive, i didnt wanted to damage anyone. she needed to protect herself. She is safe from me. this is what i wanted.. but why does it hurt so much?. now she is safe from the monster that i am. I feel i'm going slowly insane. i cant take this stupid disorder anymore. she tried so hard and i wasted it out of my fears by pushing her away. i'm alone now. with no one caring anymore.. i no longer have will to stand up to anything. i dont want to defend myself when something happens. i just want to be dead already. the burning feeling keeps consuming me and i just. i wanted to die a long time already. i dont know why i didnt so much time ago.. just kill me already.. i was a terrible person i wasted all the patience they had like a stupid fucking bitch and i cant take it back. i had no way to tell her to not walk away because i just. was terrible. i dont know what to do anymore. i'm trying my best to keep my promise of not self harming but i feel everything breaking apart. i cant take it anymore.. i have lost her forever because of my own stupidity.. i know she wont return. and even if she did.. i know i'll mess up again. i made her give up on me. and now i cant ever take it back.. i hate this i hate this i hate this, i just want to be normal and not let myself be affected anymore by this jajsajsjasjasja i'm just a stupid monster who must die already, i must die die die die die die die die die die, i keep going and making everyone tired, it will be much better for everyone for me to just not exist anymore. i hurted the only people left that gave a fuck for me and i cant take it back. i cant have them back, i cant do anything.  


Now i just feel so empty. Dead inside, a burning feeling. i'll just, i dont have enough days left.. i dont want to go ahead more. i lost every reason i could've had to live. i made them feel terrible, i made them feel guilty, i made them leave, and now i'm alone...  
I was either way going to die alone without anyone caring so. it doesnt make any difference to die now or in years.. i'll just suffer more from this fucking disorder... i just want to end it all right now. but i need a couple more days to figure out how and when..

&amp;#x200B;

My fight against BPD. i lost it, i cant fight more, i'll just die defeated on this hill. I'm so sorry everyone..