I keep on self sabotaging myself at my job. Been doing so ever since my first job. People around me constantly try to guide me towards the right path, being super supportive and helpful all the while. Sometimes I take it positively but mostly my fear of being criticised and disliked by the very people I love and admire takes over and, needless to say, it triggers a BPD episode where I lash out at them and say very hurtful things that I don't mean at all.

I am very depressed. I want to succeed in something I do. I want a good life. I yearn for one where people I love and admire can love me as well along with being able to find me trustworthy, dependable and someone to respect even if a little.

I keep letting down everyone around me constantly. I don't know how to help myself. Any advice will be highly appreciated. I don't have much time. I am tired of the constant struggle but still a little hope remains. I don't want to give up.