I just wanted to say that even though I feel like dying, i want to give myself credit for what I have done in the past two years.

I still grit my teeth, i still keep myself up at night, i still get palpitations and precordial catch, i still have to be alone half the time.  Things aren't great, they might get better or they might not, but I've worked hard.

Two years ago I was fully and completely dysfunctional.  Depressed, suicidal, relying on my family completely.  Inside in my room 22 hours a day, 7 days a week.  On the Internet probably 12 hours a day 7 days a week.  Showering only twice a week and sometimes not even washing.  It makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it.  Struggling to simultaneously build up the will to live and discipline to work in order to apply for jobs, get interviews, in order to support myself, in order to... What?  Suddenly all my problems would be solved?

Well, during the two years of the pandemic, i eventually did work my way up from a short term part time job, to full time, to permanent, to a solid salaried job.  Went from low level in person work to higher level hybrid WFH work, went from no benefits to great benefits.  I have to admit that the sudden increase in demand for people to help with the preventative response to the pandemic did create a lot of job openings and i rode that wave.  I'm not sure what would have happened otherwise.  I had a plan that was growing in specificity for how I would throw in the towel during March of 2020.  But when the snowball started rolling, I decided I would try.  And it took a lot of terrible stomachahes, horribly exhausting mornings running on no sleep, absolute flop sweat heart pounding panic sessions gritting my way through intimidating interviews, new job trainings, new commutes, housing logistics, etc.  

But all in all, my situation has really changed in the last two years.  It hasn't all been good, I've made some bad decisions, lost some money, set myself back occasionally.  And it's not like all my problems are solved.  Far from it.  But the crucial lesson I'm internalizing is that I really can affect change upon my life.  No matter how dubious it feels beforehand, if I really throw myself at the goal, work smart and work hard, I actually can change what my life looks like. So even if I'm not in the ideal perfect place now, I should have proven that I have it within me to keep pounding away.  Even if there's a false summit ahead and the real high point is elsewhere in the distance, this climb hasn't been a waste.  I've shown myself what I can climb.  

Godspeed everyone