Hello.

This is a throwaway account. I didn't want to post on my main acc since I'm ashamed and terrified of someone I know finding out I wrote this

So. I'm 22. I was diagnosed with BPD a year and a half ago. During the last four years I've done quite a bit of progress with getting to know myself and my wounds better, etc. I'm doing so much better in a lot of ways.  
While I have BPD, I believe I also have quite a few vulnerable narcissistic traits. I'm very self-centered.

So. Relationships.

I'm terrified of the thought of entering an intimate/romantic relationship. The last time someone asked me out I was so afraid of just the thought of getting coffee with this person (who was incredibly nice and respectful) my entire body was tense and I felt like it was in fire. So no date ever happened.

I used to think I would eventually maybe find someone, but I was never in a hurry to enter a relationship. Right now I really don't want one.

I'm also terrified of sex. Sex is absurd and confusing. And most of all, scary. Whenever I do actually find someone attractive and/or interesting and make the mistake of thinking about any kind of sexual relations with them, I suddenly find them unpleasant, unreliable, repulsive even.

I don't think I want a relationship. I love cuddling etc, but pretty much anything else that comes with a relationship I don't...like. Sharing a home with another person, meeting parents/other family, having them meet my family, them seeing me at my embarrassing moments,me seeing them or them seeing me act in a childish/impulsive way, overreacting to a situation,  whatever stupid shit us humans do. 

Taking others into consideration is hard. I can handle that in the context of a friendship for the most part but it's a whole new level when it comes to a romantic relationship. I love my freedom. I love the fact that as soon as I'm at home I can exist just as I wish. And not have to wonder whether I'm being perceived as lazy, annoying, noisy, etc. 

The question: For a while I've been contemplating whether it is possible for a person to be happy without an intimate relationship of any kind, with just friends and family around.  What do you think? Can you abstain from all romantic relations and be sane and happy? I've asked many of my friends this question and most were unable to answer. Some said they didn't think a person could be happy living that way.

What are your thoughts? I appreciate any and all responses! Feel free to ask if you need any more info/context. There's probably a lot I didn't include that could be relevant.