I feel empty now. Nothing excites and stimulates me anymore. The only thing which stimulates me a little is gaming. Everything seems too normal and boring for me. I am not getting enough rush or excitement like I used to. I remember feeling like this back in the end of 2019 when I lost someone in my life but in the starting of 2020 I started feeling happy and excited again. Everything in the world was good for me and there were no worries for me. I was motivated and excited all the time. I started working out and I played games with my friends and started hanging out with my friends again and was socialising and everything was organised. Then something happened, I lost another person in my life but this time the emptiness and boredom lasted only for a few days. I got myself together again and everything was good for me but my behaviour changed and my emotions became unstable. My anxiety became worse and my obsessive compulsive disorder became worse too. I developed certain kind of patterns or rituals. If I completed the pattern or ritual I used to get the feeling of satisfaction and stimulation. Nothing satisfied and stimulated me anymore except completing those pattern or ritual. My emotions became unstable. I was paranoid all the time and I fought with all my friends and my best friend too who was so close to me. I was angry at everyone and I just wanted the world to end. I am not even sure if I was suicidal or not at that time. I stopped socialising. I was angry, anxious and paranoid all the time. My patterns or rituals became worse. I was not sure what was real or not. I was not sure that my patterns or rituals were real or not or my paranoia was real or not or myself and everything happening with me is real or not. My patterns and rituals became so much worse that if I didn't complete them I started to feel irritated and anxious and I started to scream and cry and then I would complete them and feel fine. This whole period of time was the worst and the most painful period of time I have ever experienced in my life. Then as the time passed my patterns or rituals started to end. I got a feeling of freedom when the patterns or rituals started to end. Some of the patterns or rituals were still there but they were not as worse as before. Then I lost another person in my life. I lost 3 people within 1 year in my life. This time I got myself together. I started talking to my friends again and started socialising and I started getting excited and stimulated again. Some of my patterns or rituals were still there but there were not that painful. My emotions were not as unstable as before. This only lasted for a few days and the feeling of excitement, satisfaction and stimulation were gone again. Then the only thing which stimulated me was playing video games. I spent so many hours playing video games. After few weeks video games stopped giving me the feeling of excitement and stimulation. I started feeling empty. I felt like there is a void inside me. I watched movies and shows which gave me the feeling of excitement and stimulation but the feelings only lasted for a little period of time. Now I feel empty and feel like the world is going so fast. Nothing excites and stimulates me anymore. Everything feels boring. I wake up everyday feeling bored and unmotivated. As far as I remember I have never felt like I am real or is anything real.