Yesterday I made the decision to put my dog down. It felt like the right thing to do and my parents felt the same way after being initially on the fence about it. I ultimately made the call. But now I feel like I betrayed my dog and put her to sleep too soon. I am an absolute wreck and have been crying for the last few hours. 

She was a Toy Fox Terrier. She turned 15 three months ago and was living with chronic kidney disease and spinal stenosis. Maybe a little more than 2 weeks ago she stopped eating her food and had to eat something else my Mom made for her. Sometimes she wouldn’t eat at all or would finish half of it. Then maybe eat some a little later if we fed to her with a spoon. But not all the time though. I think the act of putting her head down in a bowl was starting to be painful for her. Her teeth would chatter after she would yawn and sometimes after chewing. The vet and things I’ve read online said that might indicate she’s in pain so we were instructed to give her Gabapentin, but we would have a hard time giving it to her since she could sense it in some foods and was just not eating all of it. The pain meds would also knock her out. Like, go in a really deep sleep for a few hours or more. She also needed to be administered fluid because she stopped drinking water. She could barely go upstairs or jump on my parents bed or couch and needed steps for assistance. 

The other night after a long nap (from the pain meds she had with half her dinner) She could barely get down her steps that lead from the couch to the floor. Which is not a long distance at all. She wouldn’t let me pick her up to help her. She went to pee on some pee pads we had set up and kind of wandered around and stood around trembling looking at me.  I didn’t know what to do! She wanted to go to sleep in my parents bed but she couldn’t get up her steps and she wouldn’t let me help her. I just started crying. She eventually got in bed but I imagine it must have been painful. She woke my mother up in the middle of the night twice to pee because she couldn’t go up or down off the bed. The next morning she couldn’t go up or down any stairs. She walked around in the yard. Kind of wandered around and wouldn’t respond to us right away. She seemed really disoriented. She then just stood in my parents bed trembling looking slightly disoriented. I decided enough was enough. I figured she must have been in a lot pain and was only going to get worst. 

We told the vet all this and he agreed that it was probably time.

But now I keep telling myself that I put her down too soon and did it for me than for her. That just the other day she was happy to see me and I have her killed two days later. I haven’t felt this awful in a long time. Everyone tells me I did the right thing, but I feel like I acted too soon and betrayed her. I am consumed with guilt, shame, and intense sadness. I woke up incredibly depressed and cried every half hour it seemed liked. Then earlier today my parents and I agreed that it was time and I was sad but fine. But now I’m an absolute mess and feel like a traitor. I need help. I have no one to talk to. I’ve been dealing with loneliness for awhile and now my world just got a little smaller because of me. 

I don’t know why I’m posting this. Reassurance? Comfort? Advice? All I know is Im overwhelmed with sadness and can’t deal with it. It’s too much.  These intrusive thoughts are literally hurting my head. I fear this is going to lead to a really nasty depressive episode. 

What should I do? How can I be at peace with my decision? I don’t know how to proceed.