Hi, so I needed to vent because I’ve had anxiety ever since I was 11-12 and I thought it has gotten better but, quite the opposite I feel it’s getting worse the older I get. 
So, background story. I got bullied in elementary school  during lunches and overall as well so I developed severe social anxiety and depression.
I got bullied by adults when I was a kid during lunch time, they would always watch me and force me to eat and made sure that I ate everything what was on the plate. I was scared of everyone and everything, constantly crying etc. I used to fake being sick so I didn’t have to go to school, after a while I stopped eating during the days I had school. That one time I wanted to eat something small during a short break a bully noticed it, took it from my hands and stomped on it in front of me. I was bullied for every single thing. For the way I looked, for the way I dressed etc. I was hospitalized for being malnourished and underweight and obviously for anxiety.

I somehow survived and went to high school, the fear persisted obviously but disappeared when I realized that my dormitory mates weren’t as bad and I basically didn’t have a choice, I was actually quite popular in high school. Then after a failed first attempt at a relationship I got into a really abusive one which lasted almost 2 years, during that time I had severe panic attacks and was made to feel like utter crap constantly. A lot of things happened during that time, I almost died, I was hospitalized etc etc. I got out of that relationship thanks to a guy who became my boyfriend after a while. It felt amazing, my anxiety disappeared, I was able to eat around people without being anxious, for the first time ever I was genuinely in love and happy. We were traveling, doing new things, socializing with other people. 

This “dream” came to an end after short 8 months where the “love of my life” decided to leave me for a girl who bullied me in elementary school. I was devastated, I was drinking every single day, sleeping around and getting high with people trying to find some sort of validation. I felt so lost and alone, my anxiety returned, all of the progress which I thought I made was gone, I returned to the feelings of self hate and I couldn’t look at myself, I just felt so disgusted. 
After 2 years of this I met a guy who was understanding, we are still dating but my anxieties haven’t disappeared. I am genuinely in love and I care about him. But I constantly have my doubts and thoughts like what if he’ll leave me as well, what if all this is just a lie and so on. I get jealous really easily and that never happened before. His family is really nice and I get invited over for lunch occasionally. But I just can’t. The moment I sit down with them my anxiety kick starts and I can’t eat. I can’t swallow a single piece of food or beverage because I feel nauseated instantly and sweat and I feel as if I’m about to be killed any second. 

My anxiety gets triggered by EVERYTHING. Loud noises, crowds, food, people screaming, doctors or it just happens randomly, I can be sitting at home and I get a panic attack, I also get sensory overloaded frequently. I always have to leave the said situation because I feel as if I’m being strangled and I’m suffocating. I have medication but it doesn’t work anymore and I’m so disappointed with myself. I work out. I keep a healthy life style. I’m starting therapy this May as well but I’m afraid that it won’t work or change. I tend to have days where I can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t do anything. 
I wish this nightmare would come to an end.