i don't want to ovdiouslt and i don't want to ask here because obviously i don't  want to solicit medical advice from strangers and it's bad but i literally have no one to ask right now, i can't ask my psychiatrist or social worker because I'm tok paranoid 

Im only 17 and i feel bad because i should t be ill I'm too young i know it's not abnormal but it feels like it should be less severe. anhwa i usually have hypomanic episodes but now I'm having the worst manic episode I've probably ever had, i had pretty bad insight at the beginning but my social worker pointed it out and i eventually kind of realized. they also reccomended hospitalization but i desperately want to avoid missing school or being committed because I'm really enjoying it right now and that would just fuckup my entire quarter completely.

i had a really long like euthymic and depressive psychotic episode and now i feel clearheaded for the first time in forever so ovdiouslt i don't want it to stop that much. at this point though i haven't been able to sleep for 4 days at a time and I'm so so exhausted, i manage to fall asleep after hours only to wake up and 4 am and wander my school at night. i collapsed in prayer the other day after wandering for hours. I went into the Pacific to pray and allow god to overcome me in 40 km/h winds so i know I've been acting reckless and i spent like 100+ dollars multiple days in a row which i literally can't afford. i feel overwhelmed by religious impulses and i don't want god to punish me for succumbing to medication to "treat it" (avoid enlightenment)

has anyone been able to treat something like this outside of the hospital and do you have advice? i was prescribed olanzapine ri start tomorrow which ovdiouslt i don't want to take but i need to because the restlessness is so physically painful. i have a labile mood constantly and i know I'm acting bizarre, i just walk around my dorm animatedly talking to myself about religious shit and levinas and the productive forces in degeneration and юродивый and madness for hours and laugh and whatever. but I'm so productive idk i feel like if i can endure this i can write the best essay ever. anyway I'm supposed to taper up on the olanzapine so i have to start on a low dose or something and I'm afraid it won't work because i smoke so hepatic clearance or whatever. i mean i guess it'll probably work eventually but I'm worried it won't be fast enough 

i just can't afford to go to the hospital literally money wise and everything. i just don't know, can anyone help me calm down or something? i think i can deal with this I've been doing it alone a long time and now i have plenty of support but i don't have experience with this as much. is there a way to calm down if you don't have medications? are there otcs that work for sleep if diphenhydramine and melatonin don't work

also has anyone had experience with if it gets worse and you have a actual manic episode if it'll keep getting worse.. will this keep happening to me do you think? 

thank you and i really hope this doesn't get removed for my asking for advice when I'm clearly unwell and should seek professional support. if you're uncomfortable with that if you have any advice on my other questions i would really really appreciate it. i don't have much of a family history even though some people obviously get manic because no one gets diagnosed where I'm originally from so i have no frame of reference. my psychiatrist isn't that great either so he usually is flippant and unhelpful with genuine advice. nothing even triggered it i haven't done any drugs for weeks, didn't discontinue medications abruptly, there was no major event. idk