I am currently going through a very messy and very confusing break up atm and really need some advice on how to deal with toxic relationships. I’ve found myself subconsciously seeking abusive partners, I think this has a lot to do with my dads abusive behaviour growing up. 

I am currently struggling to identify when I’m being toxic or irrational and when I’m being valid. This current person ticks every box with gaslighting and emotional abuse tactics (including a lot of accidental physical injury eg elbows to the face or accidentally play fighting too hard) the problem is with my disorder I struggle to sift through reality. As my partner constantly preys in this self doubt and uses it as weapon to constantly question my version of reality (despite not having this issue with any other people). He constantly makes me feel as if I’m actually losing grip with reality, he’s so adamant that I’m making stuff up or exaggerating and I’ve recently come to terms with the fact that a lot of this is deliberate. He will complete turn every disagreement or argument against me, he will constantly lie to me, he will use my BPD against me consistently using it as a trump all card. He always tells me things like “this is why you have no friends”. One time he literally told me his Mum hated me and thought I was a disgustingly rude person during an argument and then immediately after said it was a lie he made up just to hurt me and swore he’d never do it again. Yet he’s constantly twisting my words and even twisting the info I send him about BPD to attack my credibility, he twists words from experts into examples of how I must be abusive because people with BPD are more likely to be abusers or how we are all attention seeking and manipulative. My therapist recently asked me to name one thing he liked about me and I couldn’t think of a single thing, when I explained this and asked him to help me with this he turned it into an argument, stating he wouldn’t “play your games” or how he won’t buy into my “manipulative questions”, to this day he still hasn’t told me a single one he likes about me. He refuses to comfort me when I’m crying even when I beg for a simple hug. He constantly lies to my face, even when I have physical prove he still somehow manages to convince it’s all me. Tonight he broke up with me AGAIN stating that “i don’t like you as a person, I don’t like being near you”, he told me he made it clear (he didn’t I have pages of texts and messages proving he was begging for me back) that he “doesn’t want to be in a relationship and I just won’t leave”. All of this because i was rude to him by saying “if you actually bothered to read Jon’s internal chapters” -yes we were arguing about GOT- he somehow managed to turn that into breaking up with me and told me that I was “disgustingly rude” and that he can’t take be spoken to like this constantly, which I feel is completely ridiculous. Was my comment a lil snarky yes, but to tell me you don’t like me as a person over it...

He is constantly talking down to me and argues with literally anything I say, even on topics he admits I know more about and in the most condescending tone. He will argue with me about how he knows more about woman’s rights because he reads reddit forums when I live every day as a woman?? I know this stuff seems trivial but it’s built up over 2 years of just complete and utter disrespect and disregard for my emotions and opinions on literally any subject. Yet he still somehow makes me feel like I’m the toxic person. I’m on 2 different medications, I am constantly researching mental health and I go to regular therapy but yet nothing I do is enough of an improvement for him. Im honestly completely humiliated and emotionally devastated by the things he’s said to me tonight but the thought of life without him is terrifying. I’ve broken up with him numerous times and every time I start to move on or accept it he suddenly reappears with all these excuses and promises. He pulls his mental illness out and starts using it to explain his behaviour and he seems to genuinely be self reflecting until I come back  and then it’s back to the abusive cycle. 

It’s even getting to the point where im getting worried he’s going to take it into physical abuse- he will do things to me and claim it was an accident or a joke. Like hold me down and pretend to spit on me like the big daddy scene and then he accidentally actually spat in my eye. He’s accidentally punched me in the face will pretending to. He’s literally peed on me in the shower (like aimed and laughed) and laughed repeatedly when I’ve told him how upset and disgusting I found it. He’s choked me in his sleep so hard I couldn’t breath and numerous times I’ve woken up to him aggressively trying to rape me while appearing to be in a sleep like state (he still denies this all and laughs in my face when I tell him how scared I get), i feel like I’m going crazy. I’ve never suffered from delusions and yet he’s got me questioning my own reality.  

I get really worried because I have tried to leave 4 rimes already and every time he pulls me back in. I’m completely lost and alone without him. He became my entire life, I cancelled study to stay living here with him, I’ve stayed in a job that is actively destroying my mental health because he won’t let me quit. I just don’t know how to be alone and I’m terrified that this is the best I’ll ever get, and he hasn’t actually physically attacked me in anger before but I’m scared I’m putting myself in danger out of fear of being alone. And I hate myself for being that pathetic. I just don’t know how to cope without him and it means I lose 3 beautiful animals that help me cope emotionally. I’m just so lost right now.