I'm spiraling.. I can feel it, and I can't stop it.  I've heard mixed reviews on "Quiet BPD," and whether it exists or not... but I have never felt more seen then when I'm reading the words of someone who's been told they have it. If it matters at all, I think it exists - I think very very much so that it exists. As I sit here writing this, I feel like my insides are hurtling themselves at my chest cavity. I feel like I have been screaming for so goddamn long, and I don't even know what event in my life I am screaming about anymore. I don't know where it started, or if the last 25 out of my 29 years has been one giant fucking dissociation. 

\-- I am waiting to have an assessment. I don't know if it's BPD. I don't know what I have... if I have anything at all... but I relate to so many of you, and I am so sorry for the hell you live in. My second therapist in two months is the second therapist who is 'unable to provide the care I need.' Trauma is a real bitch, huh? 

I started losing feelings again, and I would give absolutely anything to get them back -- but I've already strayed, and although I'd like to stay, I feel like I can't. It's about to be another failed relationship that fell apart out of absolutely no where at all. I don't think I have a fear of abandonment, I think I have an acceptance of it. I think I have the expectation that I am going to do something at some point, because I always fucking do, to ruin it... and so I become the one who abandons. I jump ship so fast that I'm already climbing the ladder to the next one as soon as I hit the water.... and then it's good for a while. It's absolute bliss. It's becoming another new person so that I can shed the skin of the last one I was. It's enmeshing myself into someone else. Into probably another person who is going to fall in love and then once that happens, it is the most suffocating fucking feeling. It makes me sick to my stomach. I genuinely vomit for days. 

I don't know why I do this. I just started therapy a month or two ago, and I feel like I keep seeing a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, but then my train turns left, I hit the wall, and I am off the rails AGAIN. And I disappear. Whether it's into myself or someone else... I disappear. I drink, and I laugh, and I try to ignore the panic attacks until the pounding on my chest becomes a dull throb. And when I say I disappear, I mean I really disappear. My husband and my best friend were calling police stations and hospitals a month ago because I never came home, and I never reached out. They thought I was fucking dead. I wish I could say that that was the first time that's happened.. It's not. But it was the first time I began to understand that level of bad decisions. That that was \*impulsive behavior.\*

The next day I run through every stupid piece of me I over shared on, or said that made the consumer of my words so fucking uncomfortable. I knew they were uncomfortable because "I have been pushed down the stairs so many times, I'll be good" is not an appropriate response to drunkenly tripping over something and hitting my side into a chair. I am actually cackling at myself out loud on the drive home now.. and face palming/face slapping my forehead swearing at myself. I say the most horrific things to myself... and I know we're supposed to be kind to ourselves and all that, but that never works. I'll think in my head "You're healing, that's all that matters..." two seconds later I am shaming myself all over again. And "You're healing" quickly becomes "You stupid MF - you did it again, and you did it to yourself, and you deserve to feel the shame."

That's not to say that I don't actually have outbursts... I do. When I rage, I RAAAGE. I fly off the fuckin' handle over the smallest things. I scream the way I used to be screamed at... Or maybe it's that inner screaming that has an excuse to come to the surface. It doesn't happen very often.. but when it does, I literally feel myself on FIRE. I wish I had tears instead, but I don't. I cried for the first time this year yesterday... I was writing about 'my inner child.' it was the best release I've ever had... but it only lasted 5 minutes, and then I swallowed it. I didn't want to swallow those sobs - I wanted them to consume me, but then I am stuck with the palms of my hands on each temple, shaking, biting the insides of my cheeks even when I am alone. 

I feel empty inside, and so full of poison at the same time. I feel like it seeps out of my skin and stains everyone I touch. I can be so happy, so full of life, and make my friends laugh and laugh until they cry. I don't know if that's for them, or if I'm actually happy. I laugh with them, of course.. But I can't even tell if it's fraudulent anymore. It feels so false as soon as it ends.. Like I was underwater the entire time and they just came for a 'tea party.' The second they are gone I am left so exhausted, and I hide myself at the bottom of that pit again. I wrap myself up in a blanket and sink to the cold wet floor. Aaaaand then I hear a good song, and I come out of the blanket, and dance around my house doing chores... and I think in those moments I am happy.. Like I'm half way out of that pit, about to crawl out, and I know that there's a beach just outside of it... I can feel the sunshine and it feels so damn good. My skin feels warm again; it tingles, and I feel myself smile. Then my husband asks me a dumb question and the rage is back, and the cycle begins again, and he has to take the brunt of it... again. And I can't explain it to him because if I do, I'm going to have to tell him that I'm already walking that plank - ready to jump ship... This skin is getting too tight. 

I wish I could talk about splitting - but I'm not even close to understanding that yet. I haven't been able to pin-point when it happens, I just know it does, and I know I have to make the conscious decision to come back... or I'll already be back, like I've woken up and I'm just wtf-ing over and over.

I guess I just need to know it gets better.Again, I don't have a diagnosis. It's likely I've been doing all this research for absolutely nothing and I'm going to have to start from scratch... But I guess if you've read this far, and it resonates with you, or I don't know.. I don't know what I'm looking for out of this - I just have to get it out.. And you glorious people of reddit don't know who I am, and don't have to look me in the eyes when I say it, or watch my body stiffen when you show the slightest amount of empathy.