I'm not sure if this only applies to me, really. I just needed to tell someone in hopes of finding a stranger who understands, because nobody else seems to.

I absolutely despise the feeling of happiness. I'm constantly seeking the feeling of deep saddness I had before because it's such a strong emotion and I feel like nobody would care about me unless I'm really sad and need help. I want to put myself down, I want to feel miserable and I want back the time where I was so sad all the time and at night. I don't want to be happy and I hate myself for it.