I am 21 years old. Virgin. Never had a boyfriend.

I have my first obgyn appointment coming up in the next few days and I'm freaking out. I have a severe anxiety/panic disorder and my body essentially goes into freeze mode when I'm having an attack. One situation that I do terrible in is medical situations. I fucking hate doctors, nurses, hospitals, medical equipment, stuff like that. The last time I went to a doctor for a checkup was a year ago.

Needless to say I'm a mess. Hyperventialting, sobbing, sweating. I really just don't wanna go, but at the same time, I don't want to die from cancer that could have been detected had I gone. I'm terrified, not just because the the pain, but because of the fact that I have my vagina out that something being shoved in me, and it feels so violating. I've been violated at the doctor before when I was 11, and getting a physical checkup, because my mom refused to tell me what would happen, and neither did the doctor, and she just pulled down my underwear without telling me that she was doing so. Also, I get pretty anxious and emotional when it comes to anything about sex/relationships, just because I've never been in one, mainly because of the importance of my virginity and marriage that has constantly been thrown at me by my parents and godparents, and that I can't be with someone who is "too white", I was never allowed to date, never allowed to have crushes. So you can imagine that sex is a touchy and emotional/traumatic subject for me to discuss.

And before anyone says to bring someone with me...may I ask who? I literally have no one that I could take with me that would make it better. I have no extended family that lives near me, and even if they did, they would shame me for my anxiety, make fun of/tease me about the fact that I have a vagina that is being looked at, etc. I don't have any siblings, and I can not, and WILL NOT bring my mother, because she would also, shame me for my body/vagina, make fun of me, say that I'm being dramatic, say that I'm an attention whore, etc.

So yeah, sorry for the long rant but I need advice