Real Estate by Adam Melcher came on and i suddenly realized that the love I wish for, the morning coffee's by the window with soft warm light coming through, the laughing while making pasta at midnight on a Friday, the dancing to ABBA in the bathroom while we brush our teeth is probably never going to happen because I feel like I'm destined to be the stepping stone for those to move on. It's an unrealistic want. If i were to be asked what I wanted and for it to actually be attainable, I'd say I want kindness, cleanliness, and comfort. I want to have consistency, excitement, a happy home. It feels like those things are impossible. I've recently decided after decades of wanting children, that I no longer do. I'd love to have a colorful bright home filled with music and love and tea and books. I want to have intellectual arguments about things we don't even believe and to watch cartoons on Saturdays after I make pancakes, blueberries in mine. I think about these imaginary days a lot. Hoping they'll happen, but I know they wont. 

Sometimes I feel like im not deserving of true love. I feel as though I'm supposed to always be the caretaker and to always be the responsible one, stressed and under pressure constantly.  Anyway, here's the lyrics that made me spiral this morning. 

&amp;#x200B;

"  
I still find your hair in my bed  
In my clothes, in my mouth  
In my nose, oh, who knows?  
If you'll still be there when  
It's all said and done  
Or if I'll just find less from now on  
Every time I wonder  
How I'd carry on without you 

I'm runnin' out of real estate  
Tryna make all the right moves  
I don't wanna hesitate  
I would bet the house on you 

I still have no windows  
In my room or my halls  
I was hoping I could look through yours  
Sitting in a chair next to your front door  
As I watch you do your makeup on the floor  
Every time I wonder  
How I'd carry on without you 

"