Hi I'm a 21 years old girl with a lie of organization problems.

I have a record of depression, anxiety and BPD. I have been recently taking some CBD drops orally which helps me manage CBD and anxiety however it is just a help and sometimes it does not work, additionally I have irritable bowel syndrome which can make me quite uncomfortable and makes me feel dirty a lot. I also have quite the addiction to porn and feel like watching at least twice a day is almost already a routine and I absolutely hate it but sometimes I feel is the only way to feel a little better.

I am able to keep up with room organization for about a week the same goes for everything in my life a week maybe two of discipline, sometimes a month if I'm lucky and then suddenly I get so utterly exhausted from everything and can't even move, can barely work (work in a call center, which is exhausting to say the least) additionally I know I have to study and make homework but sometimes I'm just unable to keep up and haven't been able to get anything achieved in the last 2 years.

So in short I have tried several activities and none of them last long, gym, school, work, piano, etc. I even work proactively on my mental health and be a better person with my therapist but it can be so frustrating but it is not as easy as it seems and it takes so much energy from me I try to do everything again and keep up maybe with just one activity but even then it's hard after working all day.

I don't know if it's the fact that I work and study from home and need some time outside of home but I do go out in healthy ways on the weekends not partying or anything most of the time walking or going to the park with my boyfriend things like that. Thankfully I'm not a drinker so that's not something I worry about. Most of the times I feel like such a failure and I feel like if I could put my life together I would stop having such low self esteem and improve myself. 

I also have a monster credit card debt due to spending money recklessly everytime I feel sad it's my impulse to buy anything I like just to feel good. 

I just want to be good and also not being so dependant on my boyfriend he is an awesome guy and I've been working in making him feel good because due to my BPD sometimes I could be so mean to him, I didn't realize it but he did he told me so I started being more careful with my words but I also have abandonment issues and sometimes even though less than before I can be a little annoying. 

I just want to be good you know? I am such a mess in all the ways possible and just want to get it together for once.