*Throwaway for obvious reasons*

I’ve felt that life is a chore rather than something to be enjoyed for most of my life. I can’t remember that last time I was genuinely happy. I’m completely anhedonic towards life. I have no interest on anything. Any interest I hold for more than a month turns into an obsession. I’ve got a small group of close friends that for some reason still put up with my sorry ass since college. I cheated most of my way through college and managed to finish. I cheated my way through my masters, and my thesis was pretty much a collage of other thesis about my subject, and for some fucking divine luck, TurnItIn only shows 6% similarity and I end up finishing my masters with a 3.5 GPA and impostor syndrome as latched onto me ever since. I’ve done nothing good onto others, quite the contrary, yet life continues to give me good things. Either in the form of gifts, opportunities or just plain quality of life. In the span of 1 month, I was gifted a really nice watch from my mom (the best person in the whole world, who I don’t treat nearly as nice as I should) for finishing my masters, and was offered the opportunity to buy another one that I know people that would kill for the same opportunity. I want it. I probably will buy it. But the feeling doesn’t go away. I’ll regret whatever decision I make. Because if I don’t buy it, I lost the opportunity. If I do buy it, I’ll be thinking to my self why the fuck did I spent all that money on a watch (my obsessions for the moment), when I don’t deserve ANYTHING that I already have, let alone more nice things. Specially when I can’t see myself living anywhere paste 30. 
So I keep think, why does life keep throwing nice things in the way of a prick that doesn’t even want to be around to tell the tale?


PS: sorry for the wonky formatting but I’m writing this on my phone