I went through a bad break up recently and it was my first real relationship. Before it, I had obsessed over romance and had several intense friendships that I idealized that toed the line. I always wished someone could reciprocate the intensity of my feelings. Now that I’ve experienced dating and falling in love with a friend with zero ambiguity, I feel like something in me has fundamentally broken.

Relationships bring out everyone’s weaknesses but with BPD it feels like another level. I feel defective, like this experience has tainted me forever and I’ll never be good again. I didn’t abuse anyone or anything, I just acted in ways I never thought I would. I guess I’m more shaken by the ways I didn’t meet my own expectations of myself. I discovered my avoidant attachment, my fear of commitment, my difficulty using words to express myself. Every other situation I’ve always been the anxious one. I feel like a stranger. I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve fucked up irreversibly and that I’ve ruined my life.

It feels so dramatic typing it all out, but it’s been 4 months and I can’t stop feeling this worthlessness and just replaying moments in my mind. I feel like I can never date again. Is it always like this?