(42m) I've been single/alone all my life. Something that my ongoing depression reminds me of every day.  I've never met any women to be even remotely interested in me.  I told this to a female friend a while back.  And, she responded by telling me how wonderful of a person I am and that any woman would be lucky to have me.  She tried.  But, 25 years of never experiencing any kind of relationship, made me feel worse.  She also considers me to be a good friend, which is weird, since I only see her at this one bar that we both frequent.

Last week, I we were at this bar, celebrating the life of another "bar friend", who had recently passed.  I say bar friend, as that's the only place I see these people. Anyway, one of the siblings of our deceased friend was about to give a speech.  As the bar was literally standing room only, I was towards the back, by the back door, leaning against the wall.  My friend (the same one from before), came in and stood next to me, kind of in front of me, almost against the wall where my arm was outstretched, so kind of close.   The speech, as they tend to be, was quite emotional.  And, I almost brought my hand to my friend's arm, in a comforting way.  Just then I looked up and noticed her husband across the bar.  It was at that moment that I realized how single, lonely and desperate for a S.O. I've been.  I've never looked at her in a romantic way, and never talk to her in that way, and don't have those feeling towards her, due to her. . .You know. . .Being married.  But, I realized that I needed someone in that moment.  And, of course I can't tell her about this for obvious reasons.  If this situation would have happened with my gf or SO (which I obviously don't have), it would have been a slightly romantic type of comforting. I don't really know how to explain it, since I've never experienced it and have only seen others do it. But, my arm would have ended up around her waist, in a semi-hug, because I need(ed) someone to hold.  Yup, I'm that big of a mess!

There's more to this situation, that makes it worse. But, that's a different story.