Hey all. 

Looking for someone who could perhaps relate to my situation. 


I usually don't pay much attention to how I view my body, how I feel in my body, how I want to look... But obviously I care about what other people think of me (because if people don't think I look okay they won't like me I'm bad and I don't want to be bad and so on) so I will make an effort to look nice, with make up and hair and clothes.


Anyway, every so often I will trigger that I'm too fat. I will see a picture of myself or try a piece of clothing on or catch an angle in the mirror and freak out. I'm a whale. I'm disgusting. How could I let myself get like this. I obsess over it. I research how to lose weight. I go on pro ana websites and try and get a skinny mindset. 


Then I will feel so disgusted and sick and immediately I want to go on a diet or kill myself. So I will eat healthy, but it doesn't last. The best I manage is a week before I suddenly accept myself for who I am, I'll read a positive body post on here or Facebook or see a 'curvy confident girls rock' picture or something and I think fuck it! I don't need to diet! I LOVE my body! So I'll binge and eat a whole packet of biscuits and eat and drink pop and order pizza and then a few days/weeks later I will trigger that I'm fat again and the cycle continues.

This is me: http://imgur.com/a/Zipjg

I'm not looking for attention. I know I'm an average size 12 girl and that there are many people bigger then me. This post is about the psychological side of things I'm just trying to understand why I constantly beat myself up and then love myself again over and over. 

It's exhausting. People mock me because I don't stick to my diets, my boyfriend doesn't know whether I'm dieting or not, I feel shit most of the time. I'm so tired. I'm so tired of trying to make myself perfect and find happiness. This is turning into a pathetic essay, I'm sorry everyone. Back to my original point... Does anyone else fail at dieting or sticking to anything?