Quick CW for mentions of self-harm.

So, I was just looking at my scars and I got this heavy feeling of anger and resentment, thinking about my boyfriend. I was like, "Why didn't you protect me from doing this to myself? Why don't you protect me from doing impulsive shit?"

But truth is, I hide when I do anything that could harm me. Even if I go around in sleeveless shirts because I'm all healed and no one seems to care, I don't like to show my scars. If I visibly self-harmed, I hide it as well. If I'm doing something impulsive (some time ago, I climbed in a total male stranger's van to go back home. I'm AFAB and present as a girl. My phone's battery was almost dead as well), I only tell him later on, if I tell him at all.

But there's always that feeling of, fuck you, why won't you ever stop me from doing all this to myself? Why won't you ever act like you care? You know, typical splitting stuff. I think I'm just looking for a parental figure in him in these situations. I want him to care for me the way a dad would. 

There's also the fact that we don't really talk about all this. I think he saw some fresh scars of mine more than once but doesn't know how to talk to me about it. But, you know. It's just like—I'd appreciate anything. Probably.