Here I am first bit of work in over a year and man this sucks ass. Honestly, just knowing Ill be away from home where I can manage anxiety is absolutely awful. When Im away from home and have the panic attacks its a terrible thing- Mission#1 becomes go home to your safe spot and just lay down and breathe and tell yourself everything is going to be okay, and you can even create the environment you need. Here at this new job I will have the opposite of exactly everything I need to help, all my fears are here. Not enough sensory stimulation or sitting, doing the same thing over and over which makes me feel like a robot about to die every second and I get hyper zoned out which scares the heII out of me. Ill also be forced to drive more than 2 miles, Ill be forced to also drive at night end of shift. Im also going to be in a place of production where some of these dudes will be expecting me in their "cell" or group to go as fast as them. So average pay is 18 to 24 an hour the faster the better pay and I simply want my own pace but still be over perhaps sure. Im sitting in here right now  at orientation break, we walked past them doing what Ill be doing and I just, I feel like giving up on myself and almost feels like.I just wanna give up on a life of happiness or something. I mean damn even on a sensory level I feel like Im entering hell again. If I fail at this Ive already got subtle cues from a family member Ill be stepped on when I fall down. Maybe if I cant do this I need to just run away and not tell anyone, hell, go missing and just do side work here and there underthe table, buy some campee and generator avoid society and die alone.

Thoss runaway and live wild and free it always hits me, just doesnt work in this life or reality, everything boils down to money even with my survival skills. Ive got sacrifice my life and happiness in this in hopes to have life and happiness? Im feeling a deep f this world in my oldsoul self, oh and Im friendless, I cant seem to find decent people in this world so I break off from people fast.

Help. Fu....