TLDR: girflfriend's pregnant and has a BPD. Her swinging moods are shitty at best. I have depression. Shit has hit the fan. Seeking help.

First time here, just found this sub.

A bit about me: 36yo male. Two kids (9yo and 14yo) that I see one weekend out of two. Suffering with depression/dysthimia since 2006, diagnosed in 2009. Currently starting a business, thus no income.

A bit about her: 35yo female. Two kids (8yo and 10yo) that see has split custody. Had suffered from BPD in the past, claims she no longer is. Diagnosed with mild depression last fall. Working full time. About 2-3 weeks pregnant.

A bit about us: we met online in November 2013 and fell in love. Moved together in March 2014. Getting married in April 2016. Currently renting an appartment that is too small and too expensive, looking to purchase a house in 2016.

I've been taking Effexor XR for years, and it had a bad side effect on me: anorgasmia. Sex was good, but I couldn't reach climax. She told me many times that she'd love to be able to make me climax. Talked to the doctor about it, and switch to Wellbutrin XL. Anorgasmia fixed. And somewhat better mood, on top of that.

We already have two kids each. In my case, they weren't really wanted. Their mom did. I love them and I miss them when they're away. But it was her decision, not mine. Actually, my depression started when my ex was pregnant with our second son.

I once said that I'd like to have another child, but we never discussed it further. And I said that I wouldn't mind climaxing in her, despite her being in her fertility peak. But, as I said, we never discussed it further.

The wedding is really important for her. Me, I've never thought I would get married. But it was really important for her, I agreed. We're getting married on April 2nd. A very small and intimate thing, at the lawyer's office. We'll have the party later, when we can afford it. Now, I have no idea whether it'll happen or not.

I changed my mind regarding the possible new child, thinking that the timing is anything but good. I hardly worked in the last 3 years (depression, career re-orientation, searching for job and now, starting the business); and 2016 would be spent fixing all the stuff that went bad in the last years (financially, I'm completely broke).

She really seemed to be turned on with me climaxing in her, and it occurred.

Now, she's pregnant.

On my end, I'm scared. Timing is bad, money is scarce. As she works in a veteraniry clinic, she may have to stop working (dangerous gas in the air when doing surgeries). I expect money to be even scarcer. I'm afraid of telling my parents. My mother has been suggesting that I get a vasectomy. Emotionnally, I'm flaky, at best. I've had some suicidal ideas this week (including this morning). This has been taken care of, I'll want to read the replies.

On her end, I cannot seem to understand her. Some days, she's supportive and telling me that everyting will be fine. On other days, she is aggressive. She says that I have to man up (which is totally against her usual feminist ideas) and take my responsabilities. I neved said that I wanted not to take my responsabilities. She's the one who offered me to flee. I don't understand what she has in mind, and when I ask, she replies "oh, you know". I don't. Every day appears to be the contrary of the previous day. She's always contradicting what she's said earlier. Sometimes, a few minutes earlier.

This morning, she told me that she's ever been lied to before, but never like I did. On top of being insulting and not helping me with my suicidal ideation, I never lied. I always said the truth. I may not have communicated well, but I never lied.

I'm not an expert at BPD, but, from what I know, hers has kicked in full strength. Her mood swings are incredibly fast and nearly impossible to keep up with. When I try to discuss my feelings, she hijacks the conversation and we end up talking about how I'm bad at dealing with her negative feelings. This doesn't help me at all. Thus, I keep it all to myself, become more distant since I cannot talk to her. And then, she blames me for being distant.

I see three options:
1) fleeing. But I know I wouldn't be able to live wit the guilt.
2) abortion. She already said it's not an option.
3) go with it. And I fear of going for 10 more years of depression.

I've been seeking professional help (I'm glad I'm in Canada, some services are free - limited, but free). The wait is long. Often, months. In the meantime, the problem will keep growing.

TIA