I’ve tried to kill myself twice now. I can’t figure out how to do it effectively and feel stupid and embarrassed. I don’t have plans to hurt myself currently but need the advice of this community. I’m fucking tired of being depressed. My life since being discharged from the hospital last has not gotten worse or better. I’ve felt depressed for almost 7 years now. I’ve tried 4 different anti depressants. Right when I thought my life was getting better I started to spiral and over the last 8 months things have been hell. In the last month I’ve been to the hospital 3 times. When I was in the psych ward for over a week, I was surrounded by people that would publicly masterbate, scream about their schizophrenia (and how they wanted to kill themselves and everyone around them) and even SHIT ON THE FLOOR OF THEIR STALL. I was under 24/7 surveillance, sedated out of my mind and unable to speak to a psychiatrist for more than 10 minutes throughout the span of my entire stay. As someone who’s tried to kill themself, and almost successfully did so the last time (about a month ago) I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be in a psych ward; my experience only made me want to die even more. I don’t want to go to an intensive overnight treatment center either, really. My insurance only covers treatment for substance abuse which I don’t need to be treated for. I’ve been disgustingly depressed and anxious for so long and just want help. I feel so stuck. I’ve been seeing a therapist 3x a week since getting discharged but I still feel so numb, exhausted and traumatized from my childhood. Anyone have recommendations? I just want to have a will to live.