I’m so sad and angry and hurt and lost. Back in August I was in a very very low place. I ended up in the icu in a coma due to my actions, I then had the absolute pleasure of spending two weeks in the local psych ward. When I got out I was greeted with a text message from my landlord whom I lived with for the past year and a half, that I was to move out by the end of September. When I was in the ward, the only thing that kept me motivated was going back to my home and getting myself back into a routine. Home was a safe place, my safe place, and then it wasn’t. The other roommate who lived with us was pushing for my eviction more. Mind you the other upsetting thing is that my landlord could not seem to admit he was evicting me. According to him, “an eviction is when a notice of like ten days is slapped on your door.” He also emphasized in letting me know all this that he’s my friend and I’ll always be a friend, but I’m sorry no, my friends don’t evict me the day I’m discharged from the psych ward, just over two weeks before I nearly lost my battle with depression. I decided the day I got the text message that I no longer felt comfortable in that living situation due to the way I had been treated. So I moved out in 24 hours. At this point in time I had been on a medical leave for several weeks so I was only being paid a portion of my wage which then meant that my skim finances were that much more precious. That said, I didn’t want to drop a grand on rent to be stuck with in an uncomfortable situation longer. As well with the eviction notice, it showed me that these people (there was another roommate in addition to the landlord) that I considered to be my genuine friends, simply weren’t that. While I was moving out during my last 24 hours then there were plenty of snarky comments sent my way including a very uncomfortable conversation with my other roommate. She told me that she should be considered the bad guy, not the landlord, as she was pushing for my eviction. Meanwhile my landlord tells me he cried over the decision. My single rebuttal was that I just got out of the psych ward less than 24 hrs before this conversation, and to find out that you have no home no safe place is the last thing that a suicidal person needs to hear. She came back with “well I’ve been in the psych ward before too but it just so happened with the timing of the end of the month that they had to give me notice then.” The last thing she said to me was that the kind thing to do would be to still pay rent for the next month as the landlord was apparently struggling to make his mortgage payments. As if I should be guilt tripped regarding other ppl’s finances. I was extremely saddened to know that someone that has had their own similar yet different experience would have such a lack of compassion, empathy and understanding. She then went back to her room where she got on the phone with someone and was loudly talking about how crazy it was that I would take off in 24 hours with no notice. Little did I know that would’ve needed to give my notice at the start of August as I don’t have a crystal ball to see into the future. After I move out they all block my phone number, Instagram and Facebook, including the landlord who said he’d always be a friend. I only knew about the number blocking as I had forgotten a spare tire in the garage but the message never delivered hence blocked. I was at a loss at this point for what to do so I went back to where my family lives across the country for a month. That was fine and I didn’t think too much about what all had happened until I got back to the west coast to move into somewhere new and now that I’m back it’s bringing up all the feelings from before and I’ve gotten worse again with my mental health as I so desperately want to message a friend but they’re all mutuals with the folks who evicted me so I’m scared they too want nothing to do with me as they only know one side of the story (the story where I’m just the bitch who moves out with no notice, not the story about the girl who was fighting for her life in the icu and then got evicted). I guess that’s all I’m not sure what I’m necessarily trying to accomplish by posting this I’m just spending too much time ruminating on this which has led me to my title of crying on the bus. With all of this I feel so terrible knowing I’ve lost the majority of the friends I’ve made in this town in the past year and a half. I feel so lonely and alone now more than I did before. I can’t help but wonder if this is what I deserve for not being able to better manage my mental health.
For reference I’m just shy of 20 and have had no financial support from my parents since I was 17.5 as they are narcissistic and I just needed to get out of that environment and so they wouldn’t have the upper hand when it came to my life; whereas my landlord is 36 and roommate is 26.