My husband is a wonderful man. He is a great listener, he helps out in all aspects of life, he is kind, he is funny, and a very genuine person. Deep down I feel taken care of, and *most* of the time, we make a great team. We have great goals, and we work together to achieve them. He has done little things to "reassure" me, like the way he reaches out just to touch me sometimes, or rubs my feet or legs after a long day (I'm also starting to attempt to be a runner, so my legs are sore a lot). Truthfully, I don't deserve him.

The past few months have been a bit rough, especially with BPD. He has been helping his dad on a construction project on a rental property he owns. Most nights, he leaves straight from work and helps until it's dark. On weekends, it has started as early as 7am and is often gone 8-12 hours. As far as I know, my FIL has never explicitly asked for this help, it's just kind of expected, and my husband feels like he owes him because my FIL does help us a lot, but it's not to the amount of a part time job. The only time we really "hang out" is right before bed, or if we have something planned with friends. When he is home on the weekends, I'm often not around since he can't tell me how long he will be, we don't make plans, so I try to get out of the house with friends instead of sitting and pouting at home. Our sex life has kind of taken a dive, understandably, from him being exhausted. And to be truthful, sex has often served as a reassurance for me and I often crave the physical connection more than the act itself.

We have always done things together, and since he's largely unavailable now, I've been doing a lot of these things alone. And it's..been pretty lonely. Things like grocery shopping, walking the dog, cleaning the house (he does help, but not in the same way he used to, and it's more of a 75/25 split than the previous 50/50 and I have to ask him specifically what to do vs. him just putting dirty dishes in the dishwasher), just watching a movie even. He fell asleep last night watching the Exorcist!

The only times I see him is if it rains (I've gotten to the point where I wish it would just rain), or he will make sure he's home if a game is on (he's big into both college and NFL football, but he's not really "present" during these times). 

I kind of snapped on Saturday and asked if it was really too much to ask if we could just have one day together on a weekend. I told him that I felt like less of a priority because all of our time together is dictated by whether he's helping his dad or not. Like I have to fit into his schedule vs everything else fitting into ours. So he agreed, but seemed like he had a really hard time telling his dad he wasn't going to help. From that point on, my mood was kind of soured.

Several times on Sunday, he checked Google locations (they share locations with each other) and noticed his brother flaked out and never showed up to help, so his dad ended up just going home around noon. This seemed to have upset my husband, which in turned pissed me off/upset me because we were trying to do something fun and all he could talk about/think about was how his dad didn't have any help. Now I feel like a bad person or an asshole because I asked for some quality time with my husband and wish I never even asked. And to be truthful, I was upset that my husband never even asked me if I ever wanted to do anything otherwise (and honestly probably wouldn't), so I felt like he didn't/doesn't miss me to begin with and I felt even more alone.

Both yesterday and today will be a repeat. I will go home and walk the dog by myself. I will cook dinner. I will pack away his portion to eat when he comes home. I will eat alone. I will pick up around the house from the day before, and just do whatever until my husband gets home and is too exhausted to do much of anything besides play his video games and go to bed.

Reality: My husband is probably just trying to get this done and over with so we can get back to our normal lives, that he's bit too much of a "people pleaser" especially to his father who is pretty (unfairly) critical of his children, and that any "neglect" isn't real and he's probably just stretched too thin and exhausted.

The inner voice in my head: He doesn't make you a priority, he's probably glad to be around from your crazy ass, and he probably couldn't care less how he spends his time with you; he just wants to play his stupid video game. He doesn't even tell you that he would rather be home or that he misses you.

It's been mentally exhausting trying to reason with myself and not take it out on him angrily. But I was such a bitch last night, especially when I asked him how much longer this was going to be and he couldn't give me an answer. Suddenly it snowballed into me getting bitchy because of the beer cans he left by his computer, I took it out on him because I couldn't get the oven racks back in after I cleaned the oven, etc. He never even kissed me when he got home and I let it kill me inside to the point where I couldn't sleep and took literally everything he said or did as a slight. I hate it. I *know* he doesn't hate me, but I guess I let my dumb loneliness and insecurities turn into he must hate me.

