i think obsessively about tiny moments, sometimes very very far in the past, that were painful in some way. they dont matter. no one remembers them but me. i think for most people these are things that they would think about once or twice soon after it happened and then never again. for me though theyre constantly popping up in my head, thousands of tiny pebble sized traumas. i fantasize about having a more normal life, having a career and friends, instead of being a shut-in, but truthfully i dont want that. i dont want to do anything that risks adding to what's already weighing me down.