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can barely remember the details because it seem so distant, i'm 20

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was feeling decent around 2 years ago. i'm talking decent enough to go to a rave even tho i have severe social anxiety, and have never even thought about dancing or being around so many people before, but suddenly it seemed like a must-do-it-now idea

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mild mania, so everything was going 10x better than how it would go with the usual me.

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 was talking to people, making new friends

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then some old high school friends showed up and we reconnected, decided to all do ecstasy together 

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let me tell you, if you asked me what i think heaven feels like, i would describe how i felt after taking that blue punisher (oh if only i knew how literal the name would end up being) 

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pure fucking bliss

talked to more girls in 6 hours than in 19 years of being alive, all of that with god tier confidence, proud as if have $100,000,000 in my bank (usually id get nausea just for even thinking of approaching a girl), i remember kissing 3 of them and telling a lesbian couple "your feminine energy is fueling all of us, thank you goddesses", i seriously felt love and appreciation for life and humans for the first time ever

felt like all the pain, depression, anxiety i had since i was 12 is not only gone, but will NEVER come back. felt reborn. told myself first thing i'm doing when done with the rave is joining a gym (always wanted to do it but social anxiety said no you won't) 

saw colors for the first time in years and not the dull dead grey that i'm used to for 8 years

for once i felt like i will finally achieve something in life, be proud of myself

i felt music for the first time since i was 12, it hit me that i'm 20 and have never danced before so i was going crazy without caring how i look or what people think,

 (coming from such a sad human being, me who would rather take a hour long turn when walking to my house just to avoid seeing people)

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memories from 12 years old hit me, and i remembered how much i used to love animals. decided that when the rave ends i go straight to a shelter and adopt 2 dogs, who will join me on the journey that is my new happy and colorful life

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then after 6 hours, it all ended in a single second, and my hope for turning my life around was completely gone (yes i know thats how mdma works but its not  just a serotonin comedown, something seriously wrong happend to my brain that day, if i thought

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everything i felt was completely reversed, the mild mania was replaced with the darkest cloud of pure hellish thoughts raining on me

telling me how pathetic i was for thinking i could wake up happy, for thinking my social anxiety is gone, for thinking i would ever start a family, for thinking i could join a gym, for thinking my old friends would ever fuck with someone so sad and useless, for thinking i could ever study programming and own a company, for thinking the pain i felt for years is finally over

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it's been 2 years and i have not smiled or laughed once ever since that rave, food has tasted like dirt, music sounds like random noises that produce 0 feelings, my social anxiety is 10x worse than it was pre that blue punisher, i now fake phone calls in public just to look busy and look like i have people to talk to, have not even thought about trying to find a girl, let alone connect with one even 1% of how i connected with those girls

video games and netflix, the only things that atleast gave me a tiny bit of escape, are now colorless and i can compare them to watching paint dry. nothing is interesting, nothing is fun or interesting (the word fun seems made up to me now, i have no idea what it feels like)

animals now mean nothing to me, i wouldn't hurt them but if you shot a dog straight to my face i would not care at all. from a guy who wanted to adopt 2 shelter dogs and make sure they have the best life possible. that's how fucked up, emotionless, and dead i am now. if i thought my depression was dark before that mild mania, i now know it was child's play compared to what i'm experiencing daily for the past 2 years.

i took another blue punisher in a club 3 months later, hoping to somehow reset or reverse my brain, or to feel even a tiny bit of what i felt at the rave, and it did nothing

no, the pill was not fake, i was feeling the some of the ecstasy effects, such as feeling sweaty and warm, and having small amount of interest in a music that was playing, but other than that nothing. i literally kept hearing thoughts in my head like "only a stupid useless guy like me would think it would work, i'm are never going to feel alive ever again"

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to add to hopelessness, i saw people having an exact mirror of what i felt on that first rave, while taking the same blue punisher i just took which did nothing to me, having the time of their life and being so alive, i felt so far removed from being a human that i would without a question, blow my brains out if i had a gun in my hand.

atleast pre rave even on my darkest days i would try to convince myself to keep going, thinking maybe another mania phase is close so i can feel alive for 2 weeks once in a few months)

i don't know if its the combination of blue punisher being strong, me being on a completely out of character mania phase, in a completely out of character situation, seeing and connecting with old friends for the first time in years, after not having a single friend to talk to for years, feeling a girls touch and feeling grateful for being alive, feeling so hopeful and alive for 6 hours, and having it completely taken away from me, with 0 way to even imagine of getting 5% of that hope back, but that day, 25/04/2020 is the day my life completely ended. no trace of any hope left. the only reason i'm still breathing is because i could not let my mom go through the pain. breathing, but completely dead