I keep going back to toxic people to get validation. I have a boyfriend and we are in an open relationship because I am unable to just settle. It has nothing to do with love but with sexual trauma I endured in my childhood and my teens.
I can't seem to get away. I obsess about my narcissist ex, who is extremely abusive. I have the most insane impulse control to just write to people who only see me as a sexual object. 
I'm in therapy for all of this and I know I do this because I try to relive my trauma but it's exhausting. 
If I don't act like this I shut myself out completely, I go back to other awful coping mechanism, like my eating disorder and I just get insanely suicidal.
Last guy I was talking to was fun and we kept things light until he took some screenshots of my videos without my consent. I called him out on that and he totally acted like he didn't even know what I was talking about.
It triggered massive rage and massive suicidal thoughts, also despair because it means I have to cut him out but I don't really want to.
I hate that I'm either a sexual object or isolating myself and letting myself die. It's always a slow death.