A year or two ago, I wrote how BPD felt to me. Hear I am after lots of therapy and medication to say it’s still just as hard as ever. My relationship has since ended, I spend a lot of time alone, and I don’t want to be me anymore.

Overview
Living with BPD is often exhausting and sometimes debilitating. 
Thanks to a diagnosis and dialectic behavioral therapy, the good days now out weigh the bad and it’s not often that I lose track of my emotions, or feel like I don’t have control of my actions.

How it feels
One term seems to wrap it up well “stable instability”. Essentially instability is the only thing that remains stable. At its core I feel like I have two main things I struggle with. 

1.) Frequently (multiple times throughout the day) Fluctuating and intense emotions/moods. 

2.) Lack of sense of self/identity/personality. Clothing, grooming, sexuality, even at times gender identity are issues. 

Intense emotions can be positive or negative  and either rational, or irrational. I am very aware of my emotions, because when they feel intense, which is often, my behaviors are drastically changed.

These intense emotions can come from irrational thinking, but still persist even with self awareness.

Difficulties 
Negative emotions can lead to behaviors that are detrimental to personal relationships. 

For example: If I am convinced that my partner is ignoring me when she actually isn’t, I may feel inclined to reach out for validation, distance myself, or lash out with anger. No matter how my partner responds, it will never be exactly what I need to feel better, because my initial conclusions were not valid. Even if I understand that my thought process has been irrational and not backed up with any evidence, I can still be left with the intense negative emotions and struggle to make them subside. Situations similar to this example can easily happen multiple times per day.

Intense emotions caused by irrational thinking will always lead to detrimental behavior, if acted upon. This is because there is no rational coping mechanism for irrational thinking. This leaves me with no option but to “sit with it”. 

Most of the day I am working through a cycle of intense emotions. Elation, loneliness, emptiness, frustration, anger, worry, emptiness, perceived abandonment, and self loathing just to name a few. It’s not uncommon for me to feel many of these emotions in an hour. This can be difficult when I have to communicate with other people, while secretly battling with these ups and downs. 

Feeling like I don’t know who I am is really hard. There’s no elegant way to say it that would truly capture how empty I feel inside. It’s like I have a void that can never be filled. Sobriety is hard. Being alone is even harder. Being alone and sober sounds like psychological torture. That’s an exaggeration, but it’s not something I look forward to.

It’s really hard to make new friends, and kind of awkward to maintain old ones.

Positives
While I realize that pervasive negative thinking can be detrimental when acted out, intense positive feelings can be wonderful if acted upon. Maybe my lows are a little lower than some others, but my highs are higher, and that’s kind of something to be thankful for. 

This can be wonderful when the emotions are rational and I act on them. I can satisfy these emotions by caring for and loving those around me.

DBT has helped my communication skills to improve dramatically. I’m now able to listen, empathize, and respond more effectively than ever before. It doesn’t take a lot of work either. It’s natural. But it took understanding how my emotions are working to be able to communicate effectively.