My whole life, I always struggled with feeling emotions. I got used to being depressed, I would even prefer to be depressed sometimes because it felt familiar. 

I got so used to a routine, where I wouldn't really feel much. Wake up, take my pills. Go to college for something that I sometimes feel has meaning. Listen to all my classmates talk about what they did during the weekend. Of course having nothing to add, as I would always just go home and sleep or draw as a distraction. I could never tell them that this face that I have everyday... the blank stare. It isnt what I want to look like. See my disorder makes me afraid of other people. I don't connect with them very well, even though I want to. Most people think im miserable, boring and dont have anything to say. The truth is... there is a lot I have to say, I just simply cant. 

Then I met her... someone who would introduce feelings to me I had never felt before. The first person who cared if I smiled or got a chance to talk. She made me feel loved... and that I had the ability to love another person. The thought of her still makes me smile, even though shes gone I still think of her to smile. She was the sweetest women you could ever meet. She gave me hope that there was more life than sadness and death. 

She took me out of my social bubble, showed me that the outside isn't as scary as I thought. She would hold me to her chest and show me that another person can make me feel safe. I never felt that I had a home, until I was next to her holding her hand. I even loved her hand writing, she was such a smart women.

In the end, when she left me. It wasnt because she stopped loving me, it was because I never loved myself. You see, she showed me all of these amazing qualities. I showed her qualities that no person should have to bare. How to hate yourself... how to not see a point in the world, to see life as flat. 

I tried my best, more than I ever had to fight these emotions back. To show her that I am more than this illness... but I failed. I failed her and I failed myself. I watched the women I loved more than anything walk away, because I couldn't stop it. She was starting to see what I see everyday. 

I dont blame her for leaving... I just fear that no one will ever enter again. Perhaps im meant to be alone, that im the broken toy I always thought I was. That i'm not supposed to feel love or to be loved.

I failed her and she left... she had too.