My FP and I broke up and she moved out, leaving me alone in this big apartment. She started being so distant and not answering me and I just kept begging her and begging her to just talk to me. I'd call 16 times in a row and it felt like I wasn't even in control of myself. I can't stand being ignored, it's like another person takes over my actions. 

Today she came with her parents and the police to the apartment to take the internet router. THE POLICE. The switch flipped to hating her, I called her a fucking asshole and she's probably never going to talk to me again.

I didn't want it to end like that, I just wanted her to talk to me. 

I can't believe someone that said they love me could hurt me this bad. 

I was researching LD50 of my meds and apparently, I'd just be in a coma which is not desirable. I wrote a suicide note 2 weeks ago. I'm starting to self-harm. I don't think anyone cares about me. I'm poor, I have to leave this apartment because I can't afford it, I can't afford anything on my pay. I'm such a burden to everyone.

My therapist said I should go to the mental hospital but I've been there before and it's just a cash grab, they're not actually going to help, and it would stress me out even more being away from work and dealing with the consequences. 

I somehow convinced my parents to let me stay home alone and not go to the hospital, but I don't feel any better. I don't know what to do. 

I just want everything to be over. I hate this.