I just want to feel listened to right now, as there’s no one I can talk to. 

I’m a young adult, freshly 21. Travelled and studied in multiple countries with my own achievements and no help from my parents. But it feels like shit, and I’m losing control of myself day by day, becoming worse and worse and I’m genuinely scared of how I could end up being or things I could end up doing, something that has been alien to me forever. 

I was a hard-working kid, brought up in a poor family. I feel like I didn’t get much attention from my parents, plus some of the verbal and physical abuse, but I don’t hold that against them. I love my parents, they did the best they could. I’m not the one to blame my life on what my parents did, yeah it was rough, but so it was. 

But with all the adversity I faced as a kid from a bad upbringing, in a third world country to making it by myself and helping my family, I have become a fucking loser. 

I threw all that away, I burned out. I don’t know what happened, I seeked validation from people and in that I lost myself, I had no self respect anymore, I was lonely and I tried as much to hang out with people who don’t want me there just because I had nowhere else to go. It’s fucking pathetic and I’m embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I have no self control anymore. 

I’m angry at the world and at everyone, and I want people to fucking hate me, good. It’s comfortable that way. It’s the normal state of affairs, but it genuinely feels freeing I don’t have to givei a shit anymore about others or consider their feelings. I’m just upset because I gave my heart out, but I got nothing in return. I’m upset cause I let myself wither away slowly in front of my eyes, day by day losing control and making the same mistakes. 

I’m not depressed that I want to give up, I’ve always had hope. As dim as things can be, I want to take my revenge on everyone that had wronged me. 

But I’m incapable, what happened to me I wonder. Every little obstacle now becomes overwhelming, all I want to do is lay down and daydream about what could be, actively destroying and self sabotaging myself. 

I’m a disappointment to my younger self, and I hate it how the only people who give one fuck about me are my family. But that’s better than nothing, it’s just too bad we’re far away now.

I just hate this fucking life, I find meaning in this suffering, but why did it have to be me. 

Thanks for listening to my big rant if anyone read this, I fucking hope you make it.