I feel like my life is a write-off, a waste. I have zero control over my emotions and it keeps me from planning long-term. Why save for retirement when I’m probably going to kill myself eventually? Might as well use that money now. I want to save and invest so that I can be financially stable in my 30s (now 23), but I am so empty inside and impulsive with drug use until I assume I will be dead by then, so there’s no point in saving for the future. I see no value in my life, but not necessarily in a low self-esteem way, but that I won’t amount to anything due to my behaviors.

I have a great job and prospects for great trajectory, but I don’t care. I’m such an addict, I will probably end up arrested in a few years, which is going to destroy everything. If the drugs don’t get me in trouble, it will probably be my inability to control myself in a situation, like someone just rubbing me wrong on the wrong day. Why put stock and effort into myself when I am just going to sabotage it?

I can’t even enjoy day-to-day relationships because I am so scared of being abandoned/mistreated. I see everyone as potentially harmful to my emotions, so I back them away before they have time to do anything to me. Why look forward to a relationship with anyone when they will hurt you 100% of the time EVENTUALLY. A pattern I have noticed. And when I am hurt, I become HURT. I can’t look at things logically and from a different perspective and see the good in people, even though I am forgiven the most. I become crazy as shit and will destroy/do awful things because someone I’m attached to just wants to be alone... so I am better off to myself. 

What is the point in buying a house? I’m not going to have kids. I’m too fucked up to marry. Work my ass off for decades just to have a house where I will probably die of liver disease not long after because I can’t stop drinking. Why get a mortgage when I’m probably going to lose my job after my inevitable arrest? Why work towards fucking anything when a minor argument at some point in the future will destroy everything I worked for? 

I hate living like this. I have had 4 counselors, two of which stopped dealing with me. No amount of medicine, DBT, talking will make my mind healthy.