I'm supposed to meet my son for the first time in 6 years, having last seen him when he was 6 months old. I don't need a backstory to stress how big this is, for me, for him and our entire family.

On the other hand, about 6 months ago I had an epiphany that I may have been sexually assaulted as a child. I've always had this memory of a dream I had as a kid. My step sister asking me to do something sexual, me being very close to whatever the act was and saying that I don't want to. She said it's okay but to let her know if I changed my mind. That's it, there were no other incidents and we got along pretty well growing up, she is 7 years older than me.

I told my parents after a while that something might have happened but I couldn't go into details. Apparently I didn't communicate clearly enough because when the subject came up today my mom was shocked and said she didn't get it when I first spoke about it. I was being very vague as to not incriminate anybody and I think I was just too vague across the board. I have told my therapist and I have confided in one close friend.

Until today, I was talking to my stepfather about sexual assault in general and after a while it just fell out of my mouth. I told him that I was still not sure if it were true but I had some behavioral things that she does from time to time, it could be a guilty conscience and her knowing and sort of not get close enough to me so that it would come up. I don't know how one brings something like that up over Christmas dinner. I love her as my sister and even if it did happen I don't feel like it would be beneficial for anyone in my family to have that out there. Because I just don't know. But earlier today I told my stepdad that it involved his daughter and that it was only once and as soon as I said I didn't want to she didn't push me.

I've opened pandoras box the day before I get to meet my son. I've asked my stepdad not to tell my mother because it would be a shit show. He takes me seriously and understand that it's not the time to tell my mother. He sympathizes with my predicament and thanked me for telling him. He has basically been my de facto dad and we are very close.

Now I'm lying in bed unable to even try to sleep. I could have waited for a couple of days at least, not just release the kraken in the middle of the mess and stress that is my life. I should be thinking about my son, and I am, but this shit fogs my mind quite a lot.