Writing this as I sit in my room it is almost 4am, but I am overwhelmed with a since of hope for my future. 

I’ve struggled with depression off and on since I was 13, I am now 24. My mother passed away from a drug overdose when I was in high school, and my dad kicked me out shortly after causing me to be homeless. 

Because of such a toxic family, this caused childhood as well as early adulthood trauma. I developed severe anxiety, trust issues, fear of abandonment, and depression that would ultimately affect my school life as well as relationships. 

November of 2021 my boyfriend would end up breaking up with me because he couldn’t deal with how unhealthy the relationship was becoming due to my issues. This caused me to spiral into severe depression and I became suicidal. I realized that I had nobody in my life and that I was all I had. 

A few days ago I was taken to the hospital because of my suicidal thoughts and considered a “5150” meaning I was not able to leave. This was an eye opening experience and probably the lowest point of my life for me. As I sat in that hospital it really made me appreciate even the smallest things in life that I probably take for granted. I felt so closed in and like the walls of the hospital were closing in on me and getting smaller and smaller. I just wanted to escape and be free. 

It also made me realize how hard I’ve been on myself all my life. I was always blaming myself for everything that had happened to me and never got the help that I needed. 

Being in that hospital really made me realize how fragile life can be and that at the end of the day I am all I have. I don’t want to be stuck in this depressed way of thinking and I’m really ready to heal and do whatever it takes to get there.