Dont need any advice or support, although it's welcome. Just don't have any friends and I needed to put my feelings out there cause they're kinda a lot at the moment. 

My fp (my fiance) goes back to work tomorrow after some well spent time off together and I'm unable to handle the thought of not spending every moment with him tomorrow. I had a huge meltdown when he told me and I'm really ashamed of how I acted. I'm really happy he got a job and I'm so excited for him! I just wish the feeling that my world is crashing down on me would go away so I could be really *really* happy for him. 

I've had about 4 panic attacks since I found out and I keep spontaneously bursting into tears. My dummy bpd brain keeps trying to come up with something, anything to keep him home with me. Then I cry harder because I hate that I would even think to do that. Then the other completely useless part of my brain wants to assume he'll feel bad for me after how terrible I've handled this news tonight, and I'll wake up to find him beside me tomorrow. 

Reality is that starting tomorrow, I'll be alone again from 10-8pm, 6 days a week. And I feel like throwing up. Although this time it's not just that I'm utterly terrified of being alone. It's that we had these 2 amazing dates and bought so many games to play together and cuddled up on the couch and watched all our favorite things until we were ready to go to sleep, only to lie down in bed and talk till 3 and fall asleep in eachothers arms and wow I thought I was attached before...

I'm genuinely not going to be able to cope tomorrow. I'm kinda scared of what I'll do once he's actually gone and out the door. What's worse is he's the only person I have in my life, the only person I talk to, and if I tell him how much I'm suffering he might actually come home. And he really needs this job so, sorry bpd brain, can't be having that. I'll have to keep it hidden from him all day only to jump in his arms and cry for 2 hours when I hear the front door open. 

I'm trying so hard to keep it hidden how much I'm hurting and how much Im going to miss him but I can't. Stop. Crying. I've literally given myself a pounding headache and did I mention I'm terrified to go to sleep because it'll make tomorrow get here faster? I'm soooo damn tired. 

It hurts so bad just dying to be happy for him but my fucked up brain won't allow me to. Instead, it'd rather lead me to think and behave like it might actually be the end of the world. It really does feel that way. I feel so stupid and really just need to get a grip.

Sorry to anyone who bothered to read this, there's much worse going on in our world so if you actually did take unnecessary time out of your life to read this garbage thank you for taking the time to hear a 
stupid girl cry about her stupid problems. 

So...Anyways. Heres to pulling an all nighter and torturing myself till god knows when for being this way, good night to everyone else in the world &amp; good luck in whatever you're going through 🖤