borderline, avoidant, and schizotypal. 

bpd manifests in me as emotional dysregulation, suicidality, chronic feelings of emptiness, and constantly fluctuating self-image... 

...stpd as social ineptitude, unclear/cluttered speech, eccentric behavior that essentially sticks a target to my back, and delusions/perceptual disturbances... 

...and avpd as around-the-clock self-quarantining, frantic efforts to dodge human interaction, and complete social disengagement

so yeah: im a hodge-podge of a bunch of unfavorable personality traits, and my brain cranks out one thousand dysfunctional thoughts per day.

all of my characteristics clash miserably with each other and cause overwhelming cognitive dissonance that makes me want to cliffjump.

for instance, the bpd screams "you need people to shower you with love and validation, or else youll feel numb and worthless." 

but then the avpd yells "no way, youre not worthy of shit. theyre gonna humiliate and disappoint you, so you should just forget them altogether. youre safer without them." 

then the stpd chimes in with "so youve got an unmet need huh. time to express it in a warped and dysfunctional way. lets paint a mental narrative that you were bullied unspeakably by vague, unnamed individuals and ostracized by society to the point of no return. to the point where nobody would ever support you again. you are a victim of the universe - someone who's been struck by lightning and drowned by waves. the world is hitler, you are the jews. no one could have it worse than you."

honestly stpd is what makes me want to throw in the rag the most because it spawns a bunch of imaginary nonsense in my head. some of the "trauma" ive experienced isnt even half real, but somehow i managed to fool myself that was reality. (i believed myself for a good five years and am finally realizing... hey... maybe shit didnt even happen)

my whole "sad backstory" may as well have been a schizophrenic delusion. i cant help but perpetuate it though, because through my lens, everything hurts a thousand times more. it genuinely *did* feel like those misfortunes befell me. the way i perceive the world, a single round of teasing feels like months of ostracization and namecalling. and when i reflect back on the moment, it still feels like the catastrophe i made it out to be.

through these goggles of mine, the world is a hallucinatory blur. everything's an overblown caricature, and despite people telling me im deluded and presenting me with the truth, i cant help but feel my reality is legitimate.