Hi all. This one is hard to describe, but I'll give it a shot. I was just watching a video of a really great Coachella performance, and I got sad that I may never be able to go to Coachella or any big music festivals, do ecstasy and acid (I don't even do drugs anymore), dance, and be part of the crowd. Last night I got sad walking by a mediocre-looking restaurant that I know I'll probably never go to in my life. Some of my friends are really involved in writing/academic/political circles in major cities, which I really can't see myself getting involved in, but I'd love to know how it feels. I probably will never get a phD in some humanities field and spend endless days talking about my research. Etc and so on forever.

It's less that I have "bucket list" items that I'm worried I won't check off, or something. I feel like if I want to go visit Hawaii or Disneyland, I absolutely can plan for that. It's more like, I'm mourning the possible identities that I could have had and never did, and probably never will. 

I have hobbies and a pretty busy life, so it's not that I feel like I need to run off and pursue these dreams (there are far too many of them to possibly pursue anyway, and none of them are actually that important to me). But I will probably never be a podcast producer, a DJ, a writer for the New Yorker, the founder of an innovative tech company. 

Maybe I am sad that I didn't become as "cool" as I wanted to be, or I'm envious of the lives other people seem to have. Maybe this will repeat itself later in some more mature version, e.g. sadness about not wealthy, successful, or not having the family I imagined myself having. Maybe it will repeat itself over and over again throughout my life, taking on different forms. Either way, I'm recognizing there isn't time in life to do or be everything I wanted to explore. It makes me feel weird sorrow and existential angst. Can anyone else relate to this?