Hey y'all

I've always dealt with anxiety, but it has taken my ass for a RIDE this year — so much so that I've been on 10mg of Lexapro since May. After a particularly bad day (and weeks of feeling like I \*could\* have improvements), I bumped up to 15mg after talking to my psych. I'm currently four days in, and I'm assuming that the 'on edge' feeling is just the meds getting in my system.

I was trying to explain to my therapist that the worst feeling is obviously panic attacks: that brief but absolutely overwhelming feeling of loss of all logic. I don't get too many physical symptoms besides a racing heart and a heat flush through my chest and stomach, but the mental anguish is honestly hell. I experience derealization/depersonalization and it just seems like any rational thought flies out of my mind. 

Aside from the panic attacks, I feel like the second worst feeling is that 'on edge' or what I call 'scattered' feeling. I try to watch a show that I love, but I just can't connect. I want to listen to music, but I'm scared the comfort or joy won't be there. I don't want to connect with people or talk to anyone for fear that they just won't seem real to me. I can lay in bed all day and to anyone else, it seems like I'm relaxing, but my brain is going a mile a minute and I'm completely unable to connect and calm down.

Is this a normal feeling? I know that sounds so silly, but I feel like a lot of people's anxiety is just "I'm worried about this event, here are logical/illogical reasons why, etc." and that seems so much more manageable than the way my brain works.