Hey guys. 
I've been struggling with anxiety since I was young. It is now to the point where I had a life changing moment and I haven't been the same since. I feel off all of the time. I feel like something is always wrong.

Before this moment 3 years ago, I could deal with anxiety. The pain from that reminded me I was still human and I still enjoyed things even through fear.

Now I feel almost nothing. I feel so lost and scared and like I will never get better. It's like my brain broke. Ofcourse, there are factors that led to this. Extremely high stress levels, trauma and heavy drinking to numb the pain.

In combination with no pleasure and finding no purpose in life, I just feel at a loss. 

Ive been to countless doctors. Ive tried medicine. I also just recently found out I have adhd at 23 years old and I wish I knew sooner. Things make more sense, but I still don't find relief in anything.

I know this is all pretty scattered but i just feel so unheard. I feel like nothing brings me joy and I'm scared to even try anything else because of my past experiences with doctors. 

The worst part is it's all in my head. It's the anxiety talking. It's the constant overthinking and the weirdest thing is you think I would just want to keep fighting and trying? But it's so hard and I feel like it's pointless sometimes.

Panic has been absolutely debilitating. I feel weird sayin this, but I feel comfortable in my depression right now because I don't want to ever feel anxiety again. I know things are supposed to be uncomfortable. I know I will have to feel anxious but mine just feels so fucked up. 
 
I just wish I could find something to help me foreal. 

I don't know what I'm hoping to get out of this post. Maybe some relief, maybe possibly helping someone feel less alone and maybe finding possible answers or options...