I've been meaning to ask or share this before but I forgot to do it, anyway, even before I was diagnosed with Bipolar Type 1 I really had a hard time dating. Or maybe it's just because of my poor decision making or me being impulsive. So last year, I met a guy, he was nice at first and I thought maybe he's "the one" or I may have convinced myself to just whatever let's take a chance and see where this thing will go. And so I tried dating him, I didn't commit to him yet because I'm still not sure if I really want to.

But he insisted that we commit now to a serious relationship and maybe get married next year (which was supposedly this year) but I got so overwhelmed that he is rushing things, I am also a single mom to a 6 year old boy and he hadn't met my son but he's already trying to make decisions on my behalf. Anyways, in those 11 months that I am talking to him everyday I am triggered to get angry or to go on a rage. I am taking my medicines diligently but the slightest thing can set me on a rage and pick a fight with him. And I started harming myself and be destructive, it first started with punching my laptop, throwing my phone, punching the wall, then destroyed my eyeglasses, pull out a lot of hair, tried to strangle my neck which gave me bruises that I had to hide from my family, then punched my left leg until it turned black and blue from the bruises then the right leg next, I hear voices telling me to harm my sister and my son, or to harm other people which I never experienced in the past and the last one was breaking a glass cup on my head which gave me 2 stitches and 5 stitches on my pinky finger. I was afraid to leave him at first because he's always saying that he'll die if I do, or whenever we're fighting he'll say that he can breathe and when I ask him what does he want he'll say that committing to him will make him better and I felt so guilty that I just go on with it even if I was on a depressive episode every day. But last month, I finally had enough and I finally cut ties with him and so far right now, I haven't had any episode where I would want to harm myself or even think about it. I don't know but I just realized that there are really people that are bad for our mental health and we should have the courage to cut them off. I just have to get this out of my chest. Thank you.