I’ve tried accepting who I am, as fucked up as what I am. I hate myself for even typing this. My life has been a bad trip disguised by all the bad deeds and sins that I cover my mind with.  

I lust after things i cannot get and I am angry.Rageful. Sad. Spiteful. For that I am beyond sorry. Maybe in this moment. But i am. But i also don’t know why I am the way I am. I tried going meta(not the company obvs), but apparently my mind is fragmented and discipline is temporary at best. 

I want to love, but I hate instead. I want to win, but I was inherently born a loser. The deeper I look into myself, the more disgusted I am. I am disgusting, take my word for it. 

I like occasional cheese, but I hate the cheese here. But i acknowledge it. It’s so very human a trait. Apologies for the cheese. But it is raw cheese. From my soul type cheese. 

The people who came into my life has all left. I have family and only family left. All the people who treated me well, I thank you. I am deeply appreciative, and believe me, i am the sentimental type. I cling on to memories as if they’re sacred. They are to me. 

But i just have a feeling that I am not living the normal life; because I am not normal, and will never be. I will never get to please my parents and make them proud; i am just inherently flawed. From genetics to mind and soul. I tried to improve; but then again, flaws crumble the state of mind that harbors discipline. I love a lot, but none is returned. I sad. I happy, or so i think. I angry. I sad again. A never ending cycle that just goes on and on until the day comes where im old enough to not really cherish the good memories i have anymore. And all that will be left is just emptiness. 

As i materialize my thoughts of going thru with this cowardly plan, i start to come to realization of how absurd my action will be. But regret is not for the non existent. And i do not want to exist sometimes. 

So. Many. Problems. 

Semi-narcissistic successful parents who embrace science but worship religion. My being is so fucked up that even my mom whispers prayers during conversations with me.  

I will spare you the details, but trust me, I fear pain with all my being, and so the way I shall choose to go will be painless. That assurance hopefully serves as a somewhat twisted consolation. 

I am sorry. But I just dont want to be me anymore. And like a game, life can be switched off. And no, i’m not a crazy ass gamer. Just got into it less than a third of a decade ago. 

Again, I am sorry. Love is the answer. Believe me, as someone who may have gotten love, but never appreciated it enough for it to be palpable.

I keep saying I will end, and I am so angry that I am still here. Another point of rage that is to be crushed. 

And fret not; i’m an organ donor. 

“Goodbye” -B.E.