Preface:

 I'm 23F officially dx and medicated for ADHD, speculating ASD for various reasons. Just posted this in /r/aspergirls,  I don't know if I have BPD at all, but I know I have so many struggles with emotions in relationships and I'm just posting trying to find any community that understands.

I do plan on starting therapy and have been looking into it, since I'm moved back home and can afford it now. My girlfriend, ex now I guess, recently left me a few days ago. I'm devastated because it was mostly because of me. In light of that, I want to learn and become better. 





To jump right into things the main issue that devastated our relationship, was my lack of emotional awareness. I suspect I'm experiencing alexithymia due to how bad I am at identifying what I'm feeling, emotionally and in my body. It seems like in the absence of knowing what I feel, I tend to just attach a narrative to whatever emotions I'm feeling that seem to fit the situation/environment around me. These narratives tend to have to do with my relationships and whether I was fully convinced of them or not, I would always communicate them to my girlfriend/ previous partners. 

I read something yesterday about communicating your emotions, and not the narratives attached to your emotions, and it just broke me because if I had realized that earlier maybe I would still be with her now. I'm not going to go into the details of our relationship because I am a bit raw at the moment and can't handle rehashing things, but my emotional regulation, self-understanding, and consideration for her during my moments of stress was less than desired in our relationship.

If I felt off and started shutting down, I would think and later communicate, "I am feeling this way because I'm uncomfortable/ upset with you doing this"- but I was usually way off and would later on realize something like, "I was feeling that way because I was anxious about this/ generally exhausted". You can see how this could devastate a relationship. The core issue was just, "I'm uncomfortable/anxious and I'm shutting down" and that's all that really needed to be communicated. 

I also didn't mean to ever point blame but I think I would often end up pointing blame to her a lot, for the things I was feeling. It started off very self contained, like I'm upset but that's not your fault, I just want you to know that I am for clarity. Towards the end that blame started becoming more direct to her and I started losing self-accountability. I'm not sure why, I just can see the trend of that happening now. It felt right in the moment but maybe that's just because it was taking pressure off of myself.

As a kid my mom would often ask me what's wrong, and my answer was typically "I don't know". Sometimes this was a lie I'd say because I was embarrassed of the real reason, and other times I genuinely didn't know. A lot of times I didn't know, I recognize now as I was physically overstimulated. The other portion of those times... I still don't know.

When I reflect on my childhood, I can vaguely remember the time period when I started to prepare excuses to give when my mom would ask me what was wrong.

I need to not do that. I end up focusing on the reason/excuse/narrative so much and the solutions in that narrative, that I ignore solutions that are more simple and accessible to me. I have a lot less narratives when I'm alone and it's easier for me to detach from them, but I still have them. For example, I woke up feeling anxious, my first thought was, "I feel anxious because I miss physical touch because I'm waking up alone and to solve this I'll need physical touch"- when really at the core of it, the issue is just, "I'm anxious". And I have much simpler coping mechanisms I can use for that.

It feels like a compulsion, and when I'm in a relationship, it feels like you have to have a narrative and a reason. Like you need to be able to understand your emotional patterns and stuff that bothers you and what's wrong, so your partner can understand you. But I was often just taking wild stabs in the dark, I was just hurting her so much. I thought I was helping us but I was hurting us so much. I wish I could take it all back. 

I've noticed I'm a lot better with regulating and identifying my emotions while medicated (generic Adderall). But I suspect that's because I just have a lot less emotions while medicated in general. I have no idea though. When I take breaks between meds, I have the same issues. 

I want to be a more emotionally healthy person, medicated or not. For myself and for potential future partners. I've been in back-to-back long term relationships since I was 18, so I don't plan on jumping into anything else any time soon. I just know I'd like to be in a relationship eventually, again. 

I know this just needs to be talked over with a therapist, but I guess I wanted to know if anyone in the community had any insight or advice they might like to offer. Sorry if this is long and confusing. I'm struggling to even know what to ask help with and I'm not sure if this post makes any sense. I just need to be better.