I apologize if asking for relationship advice is innappropriate on this subreddit, but mental illness plays a big role in it.

hi, I (F18) and my girlfriend (F18) had just went on a break.

Going into the relationship, I was very wary and scared because of societal pressure, being sure that my feelings were romantic, and having this relationship be a continuous- for lack of better word- "thing". Keep in mind- this is my first relationship ever, especially my first wlw one. 

For the first month we were doing great; going on dates and being buddy buddy and kissy kissy. I've gotten very very comfortable with her and i knew she was also very comfortable with me too- trusting each other, communicating, and being comfortable with our insecurities around each other.

This past week, the idea that my feelings for her a platonic have been itching in the back of my mind. Yesterday I played w/ the idea and thought about it for a bit; this has cause me great anxiety and the possibility that i've been "faking" my feelings this whole time with her.

I suffer with dissociation issue, and I feel like it may be the root cause for all of this- or maybe not. The dissociation- I feel like- is clouding my judgement and blunting my feelings. It always has, but now that I'm in a relationship, I feel like this emotional numbness is me throwing my romantic attraction out the window and I end up freaking out about it. That's my theory, anyway.

When we agreed to take a break today, I felt more relieved than anything. I need the time to myself, but the anxiety of us getting back together is still the thorn in my side. The problem is, I don't think I entirely want to leave her, either. 

I'm stuck in this tug-of-war with myself where I can't figure out any solid thought that I'm sure is a fact. I say I may just be scared of being intimate and touchy, but as I voice this complaint, I'm cuddling up to her and wanting to hug and kiss. I say I'm scared of my mother finding out about our relationship, but I continue to lie to her every time I go out to hang out with my girlfriend one-on-one. I want to break up, run away, and just leave everything behind by myself, but I don't want to leave her alone. I think these feelings are platonic, but then I want to kiss her and tell her I love her.

When I look at her, all I feel is anxiety. It's like looking into a static screen; I try to tell myself "she's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen", but it fails to invoke any sort of emotional agreement inside of me- however, I don't think of her as ugly and I never have, there's nothing aesthetically or visually wrong with her, she's gorgeous. 

I hate dragging her through this and leaving her in the dark, it physically pains me. Also, I can tell she's deeply hurt and frustrated by all of this, but we're both in a very harsh place right now.

Was I just never attracted to her at all? Am I just going through some phase? Is this an underlying mental illness I need to look into? Is this from trauma? Am I scared? I just can't seem to find an answer and it's eating me from the inside out.