I felt safe after a year of break but I don't think I can ever go back to normal. Everything freaks me out.

I tought I toughen up when I can already manage to go out and attend church, mentally peaceful every week. I kind of accepted the fact that I am not really the outgoing, funny type and it is ok to be different. I was in peace being alone all the time.

But I lost my initiative at work. I blank out and feel stupid. I have always been insecure about my skill or what kind of work I can tolerate. Now I am completely scared to be useless. It is not even about the money anymore. I just want some purpose but my brain won't cooperate.

This is a new role. During team meeting, it feels like they are functioning too fast and I am in my own slow motion world. I have not done a single thing in a week. I feel so weak.

I was working on a blog to hopefully raise awareness about mental health sufferers but I can no longer continue with it. I'ts been a forward backward decision for months. It is suppose to go next week but I stopped working on it. The vulnerability seems too much. I no longer care if they don't understand. They are all busy with their life anyways.

My anxiety attacks got worse the past two days. Every day without output is just making it worse. I tremble at the thought of telling them again I am not ready yet and will quit again. All those judgement of me not trying enough. I feel dizzy with all these thoughts and worry.

How do I cope? Please send help.