i feel so much guilt and hatred for everything right now. my dad races dirt bikes professionally and it’s something he loves to do, crashing is rare, usually happens if someone bumps into you/crashes into you or if there’s an issue with the bike. but this? could’ve been avoided. 

usually they check the track, make sure it’s good to go for the racers to race. if it’s raining races are canceled. you can’t race if it’s wet. i was hiking when i got the text from my mom, “your dad has crashed, being airlifted to the hospital” 

i was in the middle of the woods 2 hours away from home and i felt everything break apart. i originally went on this hiking trip to get my mind off of all my worries, like my breakup im going through. and this just shattered me. 

i asked many questions on who crashed into him, no one. what was wrong with his bike? nothing. we had no answers, he just flew off at 75 mph. which isn’t normal, my dad has been doing this for years and knows what he’s doing, him along with 3 others went to the hospital that day. i wanted answers. 

in the hospital the nurse was talking about “it’s such a nice day out” bc my dad was awake but his memory is gone. and my dad mumbles “i went into the shadows” and the nurse looked confused and my dad got angrier saying he went into the shadows, a guy he races with was there. and he said “the shadows is the one part of the track that’s shaded, it becomes hard to see over there and all us racers call it the shadows. it was very slick and wet today.” so there was our answer. 

they didn’t check the track correctly, and because of them, because of the people who ignored a slick part in the track, my dad now has 12 broken ribs, a collapsed lung, a broken wrist, a broken neck, a broken collar bone, a brain bleed, and severe memory loss. 

my dad may never get his memory back, he has to re learn how to walk, i wont have my dad home for months if even ever, we had to cancel our family vacation where my parents were getting married in 2 weeks. 

he owns his own business cleaning now we have to find people to take his place, now me and my moms mental state is awful. were both too unstable to even work we are both on leave. 

crying every night hugging. never did i think my life would change so fast. and my dad hates the hospital, he’s always avoided it, everytime my mom walks in he begs her to take him home, he just wants to be home. 

he can’t even move. he doesn’t even understand why he’s in the hospital or why we keep leaving him there. it’s so sad. seeing my dad in so much pain. 

i miss him coming home and telling me some stupid dad joke just to make me smile. i miss my dad. i’m absolutely heartbroken. got in a breakup two weeks ago and now this? i’ve hit rock bottom. i just needed to rant, i’m not okay even though i act i am. it’s a mask.