I don't really know how to explain everything I want to get out right now but I'm gonna try and I'm sorry if none of this makes sense lol but

Does anyone else feel like their parent is not even a parent ?? My dad died from suicide when I was 13 and before that he was a drug addict who emotionally abused my family for years, so my mom had to work most of my childhood and was never really home. My sister and I were sexually abuses by someone we lived with because we were so poor when I was 4 or 5(I don't really remember) because my parents weren't around. I feel like my sister who's only a year older than me had to raise me basically, but now I'm 24 and im a lot closer with my mom but like......she doesn't act like a mother should. She drinks pretty much every night so almost every night I get this rage feeling towards her, almost like resentment because I just feel like, wtf are you doing? At least be here for me now that you can.. I don't want to say I blame her for anything because of course it wasn't her fault but sometimes I wish she was different. She literally found one of my suicide notes when I was 15 and asked me if I needed help and I said no...and that was the end of it. As a mom I think she should have done more but that also makes me feel guilty because I don't expect anything from her...idk man im confused on how to feel. I love my mom but does anyone else kind of feel like this at all?? It makes me hate myself to even think that at all.