This will be really long so please bare with me.

So I've been a straight A student my whole life. I'm not being conceited or anything but to most parents I was the perfect child, and to most kids I had the perfect life. I had good grades, I'm considered pretty, I was polite, and never mean to any of my school mates and teachers, and my family, and I were also pretty well off. I've been in a constant mental breakdown pretty much everyday of my life, and it just never gets better I guess. School was my safe haven. When I was at school, I could pretend things were okay, that things weren't a complete mess at home. When I was younger my Mom was in an abusive relationship. My dad constantly beat her up. It didn't matter where. Whenever Mom was Dad would hurt her, at home, school, church, at her job, or inside the car. Mom left us with our dad, I don't recall how long it was, I didn't know if it was a few weeks or a few months, and somehow I don't really remember what happened when she was gone.

She came back for us one day, and we moved into one of our grandpa's houses, that she paid to get renovated. I though everything was going to get better at that point, but obviously it didn't. Mom introduced us to her boyfriend that started living with us, at first me, and my sister thought it was just her friend, because that's just what she told us when she introduced him to us. He looked really intimidating, and he was huge, because he was a body builder. After a few years, of him still living with us, one of our maids told me, and my sister the truth. I remember feeling betrayed, and hurt, but i couldn't really do anything about it, but learn to just live with it. He has a really bad temper, he shouts, curses and scream awful things to us even when we were little, and still couldn't comprehend anything. Even if it hurt we still had to just go on with life, and just learn to accept it for mom's sake. As long as she was happy we were fine with it, and plus we really didn't have say on it. Then it turned physical. He started with simply hitting our heads at first, slapping us, then it got worse. I remember knocking at their door early in the morning, because I had to get something from her for our family day pictorial, and he got so mad at me, and dragged me down the stairs, then threw me outside the house, and Mom didn't say anything.

I missed the bus that time, and went to school, sweaty, crying, and well really devastated. I tried to hide it, so I went to the bathroom before class, because I didn't want anyone knowing anything happened to me, but my classmates instantly knew something bad happened to me, so I got sent to the principal. I was pressured to tell them what happened at home, because they said that if I didn't say anything they'd call my mom. I told them what had happened, and well they still called my mom. Mom got mad at me, she was furious that I was speaking ill of her to the principal. I told her that I was pressured to, and the last thing I wanted was to tell anyone else what happened, but she didn't believe me. She told our school's principal, and our teachers that I was disrespectful, talked backed to them all the time, and it was my fault why it happened. 

Years passed, and it was still just getting worse, and worse. When I was about 13-14 I  got molested by my older cousin while I was sleeping. I noticed him touching, or staring at me weirdly at times, but I didn't really put any meaning behind it. The first time I felt weird about it was when him, me, and my younger cousins were playing ipad together. I remember him saying he got cold, and draped a blanket over us, and he suddenly started touching my legs. I felt something off about it so I got out of the room, and left. I finally figured him out when him, and his sister visited us, and we had the occasional sleep over. I woke up that night when my sister's watch suddenly went off, at 3 am, and felt his hand feeling me under my bra, and underwear. I went up turned the watch off, and made up an excuse to get out of the room. I went to the bathroom, and cried for a few hours, because I was scared he'd be on the other side of the door waiting for me. After I made sure he wasn't there I ran back up, and locked myself inside the guest room, because no one was there, all the adults were in the airport, and our helpers were on vacation.

When I woke up, I went to mom crying, and told her what had happened. The thing is my cousin's the golden child, to all of them he could do no wrong. We had a talk that day, and guess what mom's boyfriend had to say, he said it was better that it had happened to me than our cousin doing it to a girl outside the family, and that I should just learn, and move on from it. All of them blew it off pretty quickly, and I don't think they fully believed me either, because the first thing my mom said when i told her what happened was "Are you sure you weren't dreaming?". A month hasn't even passed then, and they forced me to go with them to a family dinner where my cousin was there, I remember going straight to the restaurant's bathroom, and crying, because I felt so alone, and scared. My cousin's helper, followed me when she noticed I was gone, and asked if I was okay, and I remember telling her I wasn't because of my cousin, but guess what she didn't know, she was really close to us because she's been present in our lives for more than 10  years. I finally realised that no one else knew. They kept it from everyone else, and told me not to ever talk about it again.

My cousin, and me were grandpas's favourites, he was mostly moody, but he was always nice, and sweet to both of us, and it really makes me feel sad, and lonely that I can't ever tell him what happened, because our family didn't want his relationship with grandpa ruined, because out of all the people in my life, I knew that only grandpa would understand me.

Few years passed, I'm turning 17, and my life now is well still messed up. Mom's boyfriend's still here, I saw him hurting her once before, told her sisters, and my grandpa, she got mad at me, and embarrassed me infront of the whole family with the one thing I trusted her to keep. We've moved pass that, but nothings really changed. Me, and Mom's relationship is pretty shaky right now. Her boyfriend's told me to kill myself before, but I never paid attention to it, because he's not really someone I hold dearly in my heart, but when you hear it from your Mom. That just breaks you. Hearing her say, she wished I was never born, just makes me question things, and it hurts because she'll act as if nothing happened after a few weeks, and i'm forced to hide what I really feel, for her sake, because I don't want things to escalate, and after everything, I still really love her. I really do, so, so much. 

Everything's been mentally more draining this past few months. After mom said those things, I couldn't focus on school that well. I ended up distracting myself online, or just sleeping in. What make's things worse is we're still all taking classes online where I live. I'm a senior now, so I had to move into a new school where I didn't know anyone. I got my report card today, and I got a line of 7 in 3 of my classes. That's probably B's and C's there. I live in the Philippines, and asian standards are pretty high, and again extremely messed up. Now I'm scared that I'll probably amount to nothing more to my mom, and that she'll soon say she no longer loves me.