I won’t kill myself, not now at least. But I am so goddamn tired of everyone and everything. I am always bored and empty, using food as a way to fill up that emptiness doesn’t work. Doesn’t help that I also have a restrictive eating disorder (idk how emotional eating fits into it but it is what it is)

I am just waiting for every day to end, everything I look forward to that I think will be fun just ends up being boring. All I want to do is eat and sleep.

The life I look forward to and dream about every day feels so out of reach, it feels hopeless. I don’t care about anything anymore. I think I am even slowly giving up on my eating disorder because I just cannot care anymore.

I have recently gotten thoughts about doing something bad or putting myself in danger so I can get caught and admitted. I just want a way out of this, and getting admitted feels like the only option other than suicide. I just don’t want to kill myself yet because I don’t want to hurt the ones near me (and currently somebody I really love is on the verge of suicide too).

Yet it feels like I don’t have any issues, because I am function at school and do my best to try and enjoy life from time to time, as I can be optimistic sometimes.

Sorry for the messy post, it’s just a random rant, I just really need help.