WARNING: I mention at least one thing that might trigger some people. 

Background: I have "Quiet" BPD and my female friend has told me that she feels like she has BPD. 

I desperately want to be able to talk to a female friend that doesn't want me in her life anymore. I still have feelings for her, but I pushed her away because of how unstable I was during BPD episodes. During these episodes, I almost exclusively hated myself and/or expressed how I felt hurt/confused by things she did or said. However, I did attempt suicide for the first time during one of these episodes; this was via an 80 mph car crash (without a seatbelt), but I came out completely uninjured. I wasn't diagnosed with BPD until after this event, which is kind of strange to me since I've had psychiatric hospitalizations before. Anyway, I feel like a horrible person for ruining our friendship, even though I didn't want to. I feel like I ruined a part of her life because my feelings got in the way of me being the best friend that she wanted. I just feel like I can't have the closure that I need to move on; I also feel like a freak because I reached out to her twice and she just ignored and blocked me. I feel like I'm just having to restart all the time in life. I had constant housing changes that had nothing to do with me, but I was still forced to leave people over and over. I feel like I can do fine with friendships, but when I have feelings for a person, it becomes much harder to maintain. It feels as if there's no hope for my female friend and I to be friends again, if I could even talk to her. I'd be content with being JUST friends again, but only if therapy can help me to deal with my episodes better. I actually told her near the very end of our friendship that I needed space to work on myself and my feelings before I could be her dedicated best friend. I wanted her to be happy by having me as her friend, but I also didn't want to hurt anymore; I felt that I really could do both of these things with space and time. She got very upset with me and basically gave me an ultimatum where she said that I couldn't be friends with her if there were conditions. This was extremely hurtful and selfish, but I now feel like it might have been a BPD episode of her own. I felt trapped and this is where I had the episode that pushed her away completely. It's weird that what caused us to finally split was me trying to better myself. What makes all of this even harder to think about is that she did tell me she was interested in me and she acted on this interest before, but despite me putting my all in, she suddenly lost that interest. I'm a decent looking guy and it was clear that we had a lot of chemistry, so I was confused. At the time, I hadn't had many (if any) BPD episodes and I didn't even know I had BPD. I also felt crushed, obviously because I love her, but also because I'm desperate to feel affection from the one that I love. I feel like if she had maintained interest, I could've been an extremely devoted partner for her that she'd be happy with, but maybe I'm just delusional. I need help because I really miss her and want to talk to her about what happened (or at least have her acknowledge things); the issue is that whenever I reach out, I feel like a freak because she doesn't read anything and just blocks me.