I’ve been going through all the things my parents did that fucked me up. One of the biggest things my mother did that messed me up was repeatedly call me “cocky” or a “show off”. It messed me up. It is one of the many reasons  I have absolutely no self confidence. 

I can’t be proud of anything, I can’t feel like I did anything good and I most definitely can’t take a compliment from anyone. I feel like if I love myself, or anything that I do then I must be cocky. If I accept a compliment from anyone then I must be cocky. So instead my instant reaction is to look down at the ground on mumble “thanks”. 

Parents are supposed to teach their kids to be confident and love themself but all my mother did was make me hate myself. Made me feel like I’m a piece of shit for even being born. 

She told me the doctors told her I should be aborted due to medical reasons. I know she just told me that as a “you should be grateful you were born” but like I didn’t ask for that. I didn’t sign up for the ongoing shit show that I have been the staring role in over the past 28 years. 

She told my brother repeatedly growing up “if he was born first he would be an only child”. Like how is that any way construed other than she wishes I wasn’t born.she’s “done everything for me”. But I didn’t fucking ask for that, it’s not something to hold over my head. I didn’t ask you to do that shit, I didn’t ask to be born, it’s just like I should consider her a saint for not leaving me at the side of the roAD. YOU SIGNED UP FOR THAT SHIT, not me. So to drag me through the filth you left behind does not make you a better person.

Everything that happens between us is my fault because “I have a lot of problems” I didn’t ask for this fucking mental illness I’m doing everything I can to better myself but I’ll always be the one she didn’t want. I’ll always be the “problem” because that’s all I ever have been. 

If you tell a kid they are a problem their whole life, What other path can they fucking follow. 

Sorry for the rant and the language  
I just really had to get this out