     hi. im 18F. i’ve been struggling with depression and severe anxiety for a really long time. my father and stepmother gave me a lot of trauma and i’ve only recently decided to cut them off completely. 
     i have a really hard time with focusing on what’s happening in the real world. i don’t know if it’s dissociating or not because i would feel bad to say it is if it’s not. sometimes i’ll kind of space out and realize how sad life is. like, what? we go to school for 12 years, go straight to another school for at least 3 more years, then find a job and work until we die???? it just doesn’t seem real to me. this can’t be all that there is to living right????
     i feel so fucking crazy. like nothing is real. it all feels like a dream to me. am i crazy??? i feel so fucking numb and the only thing that makes me happy is imagining what my life could be like if it was better. i hate it. i hate that i was born this way and i hate that this is the life i live. i don’t even think my meds are working and i don’t see the point anymore. i feel so guilty for people having to put up with me  
     sometimes i think about what would happen if i just ended it. i don’t think i actually would but sometimes it’s nice to think about not having to deal with all this bullshit. i push everyone i love away from me anyway. 
     i don’t even know at this point. sometimes i think i’m faking it just for attention. i can barely even go out in public without clenching my jaw or my muscles twitching uncontrollably. i hate that i’m like this and i just want answers. i wish it would all just go away.