TW: mentions of suicidal thoughts/self harm

My daughter is currently 20 days old, and I'm struggling. I really love her, and when I've managed to sleep a couple of 2 hour stretches while she sleeps, I feel fine, but sometimes when she doesn't sleep much and I get really sleep deprived, I start to feel like I can't cope. I feel like I can cope with feeling tired/sleepy but I can't take the thoughts that come with it... such as that I regret becoming a parent, and that I start thinking about self harming and even suicide( I definitely wouldn't act on these thoughts). I hate it because I want to be happy for the sake of my baby and my husband. I don't think it's post partum depression, because I only get those thoughts when I really haven't slept at all. I also feel like I desperately miss my husband. Even though he's taken a month off of work to help out, I feel like somewhat like I've lost him. Maybe because we can't spend time together like before? As he's my FP , I usually need constant attention and love from him but I feel like I'm missing out on that now. But I understand that's a natural part of having a baby. He is helping me in any way that he can, by going grocery shopping, preparing food, cleaning, doing laundry etc. I am so grateful, but I feel like the stress of receiving all this help is taking a toll, I feel like I'm constantly on edge because I feel like such a burden, and that he secretly thinks I'm just annoying and lazy (he has reassured me that it's not true many times that this is not true). I really wish I could do more things by myself. My husband is worried about my mental health so he wants to help me to sleep more by feeding her with a bottle sometimes (I am exclusively breastfeeding) but I really really want to keep exclusively breastfeeding, and I'm terrified that her being bottlefed with pumped breast milk sometimes will cause nipple confusion, or cause my supply to drop, or make her more gassy, so I can't see that as an option. (Especially as we are in the midst of a pandemic, I feel reassured by the antibodies in my breast milk making her stronger, and I feel so lucky that breastfeeding has been going really well for us so far, so I feel like I can't do anything that might put that in jeopardy, such as using a bottle/pumping etc).
I don't know if all of this is just a natural part of the newborn phase, and if I should just suck it up and stop being a cissy, or if my BPD is making this harder, or what.. but I'm really worried because if I'm struggling this much while my husband is here, I don't know how I will cope when he goes back to work.


I apologize for the length of this post! I would really appreciate any advice or thoughts (especially if there are any other mamas with BPD). Did anyone feel the same way? When did it get easier/how did you manage? Thanks in advance !!