To get over him was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. He was my first in everything, the only man I’ve ever been with, we spent 5 years “together”. I write it like that because he never committed to me. I was so young when I met him, I fell in love and accepted every physical and emotional abuse for 5 years. I never told anybody because I didn’t want to be apart from him. I didn’t know he wasn’t mine until he told me he was sleeping with other women and he had a fuck buddy, two years in. I was 19. I can remember that night as the night when I completely changed. I was no longer a happy woman. I was depressed, I stopped eating, I was self harming. I changed myself for him. The way I dressed, the way I talked, I starved myself to 95 pounds. Yet, I was never enough. I should have left that night.

I did the most vile things to keep this man and he never gave more than 10% effort to keep me. We had accidental pregnancies. The first one, I remember he punched me on my pelvis a few times. The next two were miscarriages. He celebrated each one. I felt dead inside. He was nice sometimes but when he’d beat or slap me to the point of me seeing black, I’d ask God: “Why do I have to go through this for him?”. I sincerely knew I did not deserve this. But I honestly felt like being without him would be worse.

So I let him go back in February, after a suicide attempt. That was the last time we were supposed to speak. It was an honest Good Bye. A week later I was going to meet up with someone I had a thing with before my “ex” and I started being a thing. 
Coincidentally, he flew into the same city I was in for a performance and I knew because I checked his instagram story a few days after the whole “break up” with my abuser. Probably not a good thing to do after a breakup, but the dude lives on the other side of the country so I didn’t expect him to be so close, let alone meet with him.

The night I went to go meet him, my “ex” bombards me with calls and texts asking me where the hell I am. I almost went back to him that night, but he chose to say “Come over and suck me off, but you’re not staying over”. This is when I knew he wouldn’t change. 
J, you failed that night. 

I chose to let him go, again. After that night, he had the nerve to say I was an idiot for never noticing he “Loved me”. Man, the balls on some people. Unfortunately, he made me feel like I was the one who lost him, so I talked to him for months. Again, I was fucking miserable. I was really mad at myself for depending on this guy like this. 

In the end, he ghosted me not long after. I almost started self harming again, I was on the brink of suicide, I felt literal pain. 

But now I can easily say I’ve let him go, again and for good. I’m never letting him back in my life. I’ve mourned. I’ve cried. I realized I was in love with the idea of him, not him. After 6 months of shutting myself out of this world, I’m opening myself up again =). It also turns out the man I met that night and had a thing with before, actually likes me. So even though I’m not getting my hopes up over him, it’s really nice to talk to someone like him and to just talk to someone in general. 

If you’re going through a really hard time right now, I want you to push and force yourself to get out of there. Cry, listen to sad songs, mourn. But push through. You will get out of this. 
I never thought I’d get better, to be honest. But I’m so glad I didn’t make a permanent and fatal decision on me. 