Hey everyone I just need to get this off my chest.

I recently resigned from my job and I did it in a horrible way that I regret. I basically just wrote an email to my boss that I was resigning immediately and left my badge , corporate CC on his desk. I also wrote an email to some of my co workers and apologized for leaving on such short notice and gave them some insight on a key report that I produced but it wasn’t enough. I should have given my 2 weeks like a regular worker and left with some dignity. There are other reports that I produced that I didn’t give them any info on. The job was a perfect fit for me but I had the worst boss of all time. He was critical of everything I did, led by intimidation, and had on 2 occasions threatened me with my job in order to get the results that he wanted. 

I believe the stress he induced on me forced my most recent depressive slump that has been absolute hell since August of 2021. I have had insomnia for 6 months now, constant rumination and complete loss of interest in everything I once loved. I was constantly ruminating about my job and it eventually lead to suicidal ideation. I have had 2 other depressive episodes in my life before with similar symptoms that lasted about 6-9 month. It feels like mind and body are in constant “flight” stage and it’s absolutely awful.

At the end of November I received a job offer from my previous employer. A less paying job, but a friendlier work environment. I was on the fence until basically the last day of the offer because I couldn’t convince myself to give up the higher paying job. I finally said fuck it, sent my goodbye email and left. I didn’t want the awkward goodbyes, ppl asking about why I was leaving and all that. I took the coward way out and just ghosted them. I completely regret that decision 

Now I can’t stop ruminating about how much of a coward I am. It is consuming like 85% of my thoughts. It’s killing me how I wish I could just go back in time and gave proper notice . I’m dealing with regular new work stressors (I got rehired by previous employer but its new position so there is alot to learn) and now I can’t stop saying “you shouldn’t have left” in my head.

I can slowly feel myself coming out of my depression but this new rumination is killing me. I don’t know what I can do to make this better . Thanks to anyone that read all this, just really needed to get to explain myself to someone.