Life has been pretty hectic lately in the past 2 weeks. Problems with my 6 year old staffy having to get surgery after a full intestinal blockage, 2 assessment case studies i procrastinated on and had to complete from start to finish both in 2 days a few days apart from each other, problems between my step-dad and brother which has affected the whole family, getting my second dose of pfizer so feeling generally sick, etc. i feel like i haven’t had a single moment of downtime except for now. 

It’s Sunday and i’ve gone up the coast with my grandmother, cousin’s, and aunty for a mini end of year holiday. we went to the beach, had dinner with other close family who live up here, and its been an overall good time. Night has hit though and i just feel ‘off’.

I feel like i’m waiting for something to happen, that something needs to happen but i don’t exactly know what. I feel like i need to do something, like get started on more work to complete even though i finally have a chance to relax, which is what i’ve been hoping for. I feel dreadful for no reason. It feels as if something in my environment is wrong and needs to be fixed so i can feel alright again and stop worrying, but i don’t know what it is. I feel guilty for all the procrastinating i’ve done on my major works so far, and feel like me sitting here when i could be working just proves i’m a disappointment and failure to all my superiors. I feel like i don’t deserve to be happy right now. I feel like i’m going to be sick. Everything feels so real, but also like a dream. I just want my brain to shut down, i want my panic attacks to stop, i want to feel alright for once. i wish i didn’t have to live every second of my life feeling this way.