Yes, I know it’s not ok to use people feelings so I can be able to fill in the emptiness that I’ve felt for so long. Nobody deserves to be collateral damage of my internal issues, that’s why I think it will be better for everyone if I keep pushing away anyone who tries to meet even a small piece of my awful personality. The only thing they reach when trying to understand me is a huge disappointment, because I have the gift of letting out the dark-side of every human being. They realize I’m not who they thought, I’m not the enchanting easy-to-love person. Anyway, when this happens I realize it’s too late already, and there’s three pathways: 
1. they believe there’s something wrong and struggle to find the beautiful person I was pretending to be. 
2. They leave.
3. I do all I possibly can to make them leave.
The worst part is when they stay despite all of my efforts to make them go away and stop bothering my mind with their life; so that’s the moment when I start calling them collateral damage. 
As the time goes by, the light turns off, they become a baggage my body can’t carry on anymore, even if they were the only one I want at the beginning. I used to feel like I needed them as much as they needed me, I was wrong; I enjoyed feeling loved, desired, being the oxygen of their deepest emotions. It’s pretty amazing the joy I sense when someone really wants me, so amazing that I can almost develop love feelings.
Then, I start to appear intensely bored, I don’t want to feel loved anymore, I want to be free and alone, creating my own selfish, lonely world, where only I have the authority to rule it. 
Honestly I hate being like this, but it’s something I can’t avoid, I really want to change, the problem is that I get very scared when I’m thinking about loving somebody else besides me. Sometimes I think that I enjoy to make them feel like crap by pointing their weaknesses, and that thought just makes me more sad and angry to myself. 
The issues of loving someone are the stupid expectations we set up: 
If love means spending the whole night awake waiting for my dad to come in drunk and beating the shit out of my mom while all I ever wanted was a good nite kiss; then no, thank you, I don’t want love. 
If love means being obsessed with my dad’s infidelities, checking out his phone, car, clothes, listening his phone calls; then no, thank you, I don’t want love.
If love means accepting rape as a child’s play just because she was taking care of me, then no, thank you, I don’t want love. 
If love means crying till I fall asleep, while I pray for my dad, after he attempted to murder me and my mother; then no, thank you, I DON’T WANT LOVE. 

I’m still learning english, I don’t know if I wrote everything right. Thank you for reading; new on reddit - looking for a place to express myself - 
