I'm 19 and I feel like an old man. There is a lot I have to get off my chest and a lot that I hate myself for. Gonna speed through my adolescence and bitching to get through the important part. To start off, I used to have a lot of friends in middle school and was a great kid. Moved away to a new school and house and lost contact with most and the ones I did keep in contact with, lost contact with me eventually. Was sad most of the time because I used to play outside a lot and this new neighbourhood barely had anyone outside to play with, so I stayed inside a lot. Shortly after, I found pornography. I vaguely knew what it was, but never cared. Boredom brought curiousity. Wasn't long before I got addicted. Ended up doing bad in school (was straight A before). Moved to another school again (for unimportant reasons) for 8th [grade.](https://grade.No) Had one actual friend, who ended up moving to Texas. Grade 8 was eh, but better than 7th. Then I started high school. Started at one school, but ended up changing schools again a week in. Mostly depressed all the way through. My porn addiction got worse. Grade 9-11 is all eating like shit, getting 5 hours of sleep because I'm a loser, jerking off, barely any physical activity. My grades somehow were really good. I stunted my growth pretty sure. Near the end of high school, my sister also called me short at 173cm. Around 175cm now. My mom used to say I was gonna be 6ft because of my family history. Height became an insecurity. So did my face. Was laughed at more than one occasion by girls. 

But fuck it, it would have all been worth it, if I kept my girl. I mean she would make anyone stop in their tracks, she is that beautiful. I met her in grade 12, but had been eyeing her since 10th. I fucked the relationship up so bad. Was insecure, broke her heart, let her see how fucked up i was. I was into weird shit by then. She didn't mind, but I broke her near the end when I became really insecure, talking suicidal. I don't make any sense, I know, I'm just saying whatever comes to mind. I probably have OCD and anxiety. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm failing classes, behind others. Doing a shit job during my internship. Alone, no friends. My best friend moved away. Dreams that hurt. Of her coming back, her laughing at me, her friends laughing. Guilt, feel short, ugly. I'm honestly so out of wack. I don't even feel smart anymore. My health is shit. FUCK.