I've worked really hard but it seems it's impossible to fix the time and potential I've lost to BPD.
My closest friend ODed last week. She called me right before that. I'd been so on the edge for so long, when she was crying and in pain and told me it's too painful to go on, that she just wants it to stop - I couldn't tell her much.
I just cried with her. I couldn't speak. I know exactly how it feels. 

I tried to talk her out of it, tell her to not go, but I think it was too late.

Today I failed the last 2 courses I needed to graduate. I've worked so hard against all odds, without a laptop, in the last 5 years, and now I'm just 0.1 grade points away. My jobs know that I'll be done this year. I haven't told them yet. 

My partner and i live together but he doesn't love me anymore. Rightfully so. It feels like he stopped an year back. 

Even my own parents hate me. And want me only to support them financially now that they're older. My dad is COVID positive currently and I had to reconnect with him (I don't want him to die??). It has been so triggering.

I am really alone and I can't do this. I'm so exhausted. My doctor just tripled my Mirtazapine dose. It makes me hazy.

I don't know what to do. I've made the plans to off it when my partner has gone to his parents in November. He'll be gone for a few weeks so no one's gonna find me like last time.

But I'm really scared of dying and I'm really sad that I'll never see him again. I'm anxious about what people might say. But more than anything I'm really tired and defeated.
I can't live with myself. I don't know what to do.

I just wish I could go in a friend's arms or my baby's arms so I don't have to be so ultimately alone. I don't know what to do I just want this to stop.

BPD wins