TW: Suicidal ideation and generally hating everything.

I'm at the point where I mostly don't care anymore. I'm not mentally equipped to work. Last few times I tried, it ended poorly because I'm fucking incompetent at everything I do. Nobody feels awkward or wrong telling me I've done a bad job, or that something I've said is wrong or stupid. Everybody has their moment of "I can't do anything right" but it's the story of my life. I don't habe respect because of it.

My health sucks. I have Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder, due to possible autism that can't even be diagnosed by my MH vendor. I'm addicted to substances to barely keep me from going over the edge. I'm short, but my skin has aged a fuck ton due to all of this shit. I look like a 40 year old middle schooler, and aside from being mentally ill, it just adds to the fact I'll never find love.

I genuinely want to off myself. Yet I can't. Funerals are costly because this horrible dystopia we live in is entirely based on money. Even if I don't want to live for my family, I wouldn't want to put them through that. But one of these days I'm going to stop caring. Even when I write these rants, whatever response I get is a bandaid. 

I'm so envious of people that look and act regular, had normal childhoods, and get to function in society. Now I get told off by those same people, and all I can do is fuck myself. That's all I ever get to do. I'm the cattle that couldn't walk right, so the herd leaves me behind without a thought.