Dear 5 to 7 year old me 

You're not aware yet but you'll have to face a lot of adversity. All the adults you trust will fail you. I know you really look up to them right now but adults are flawed believe it or not and sadly all the adults in your family are flawed beyond repair so it might be a good idea to find some better role models. You're a brat right now but that's okay, people hurt you in ways they should never hurt a child, you don't know any other way to make them hear you, to make them care about you. I know it's a cry for help. I know it's the only way you know how to ask for it. But your asking the wrong people. Don't let their lack of care stop you from asking for help, keep asking, eventually someone will hear you even if its years later. Our sister will be sent to live with her awful dad who hurt you, keep writing letters to her, keep searching for a way to contact her. You'll feel like an only child for a while, but never give up on her. 

Dear 7-8 year old me. 

I know you are scared of being taken away from mom again. The unknown is scary, but mom isn't okay. She's been doing a lot of drugs. Sadly Grandma doesn't have much tact to the parting is going to be traumatic. Just leave with grandma when she tries to take you away and don't let mom into your room, she eats the dogs poop on the floor and it kind of fucks you up for a while to have see it. They are going to send you to dad in California. I wish I could tell you to run away before they manage to but we both know you can't make it on the streets right now. You'll have to go. You aren't being sent away because mom doesn't love you, she does, she just doesn't know how to take care of herself. Grandma didn't help her mentally, she has undiagnosed schizophrenia and she doesn't get diagnosed until she's in her 40's. Forgive her. 


Dear 8 to 10 year old me. 


Dad is scary and weird I know. I know you can hardly understand him when he first starts talking, listen closely and always pay attention. I know you just showed up to California but your going to have to be homeless tonight with him. Dad isn't safe. Keep seeking help until someone can save you from him. Never stop no matter what he threatens. Be brave. When he hits you scream as loud as you can so the neighbors can call the police or CPS. Do it every night. He's going to throw away your best friend rabbity, and it's going to hurt you a lot, but there will be other stuffed rabbits in the future, I promise. You aren't going to have any toys after that for a while. You're a creative though so you make plenty put of trash and ant colonies always are always around to build stick homes for and feed. Hell, bring the ants inside dads car and new apartment just to piss him off. He won't know it's you. 


You also seem to have developed a really weird thing about counting. I know it's the only control you feel you have right now but seeing 7 seguls instead of 3 doesn't mean your going to have a bad day, thats not how the universe works. Google some better coping skills at school instead of looking up the lochness monster all day, screaming at teachers, and having giant meltdowns in the middle of class. 

You've been getting bullied a lot too it seems. Kids can be cruel, they don't know what you're going through outside of school. They don't know why you only have one pair of clothes and smell like death every day. You're different so it confuses them. Being biracial also seems to confuse them, they'll make fun of you for being white washed and not cussing but that's their issue. Don't feel like you have to cuss just to satisfy them, youll cuss when your damn ready to cuss. It doesn't make you comfortable yet so don't force it. it's not worth it. You're not white washed or not black enough, all that shit is made up. Acting black is bullshit, not all black people act the same and acting white is bullshit for the same reason. You are just you, that's all. That's all you need to be. Tell a teacher when other kids beat you up, not the math teacher or the special ed teacher, they are both terrible at their jobs. Find someone else. You don't need to come home with more bruises then you went to school with. And I know its insanely painful being homeless and abused at home and then going to school and being bullied there. But you're so much stronger then you think, you make it so many years. You make it past 15, I know you always thought you wouldn't. Hell you make it past 18, that still feels unreal to me even now. Just keep writing, it gives you so much life, it will be your biggest escape from all this. Keep asking the after school teacher to watch studio ghibli movies because that will save your life. Also tell the kids what your going through at home, maybe it will make them stop. Please don't try and end your life. When you see that knife in the kitchen or jump rope at school just remember how young you are. How much life you still have to live. Remember how quickly your life changes all the time, it can change that quickly for the better too. 

(I have to pause this because it's getting a little hard to continue, I'll make a part two later. This is mostly for myself to help me recover and remember that I wasn't and am still not all the horrible things my family said I was. I hope whoever is reading this gets something out of it too.)