i guess ill vent about it here, since my friends dont really care or maybe they simply dont know what to do or say. 

Keep in mind that I can't express myself properly because English is not my first language.

im 22. I know for some people im still young but i always felt older then my age. I always were mentally unstable. Always had really bad anxiety and, since i never were diagnosed, probably depression. I dont remember a time where i really felt good about myself. Always had fights with my parents, though i had a good group of friends which at that time i considered them family. They did and helped a lot more, emotionally, than my foreign divorced parents.

My father threw me out temporarly from my home because his wive didnt agree with me when i was 16 and because he was "trying to start a family" with her, which broke me even more in certain way and i unconsciously was trying to find another father figure. My mother always blamed me for every mistake in her life and spent most of my chilhood telling me how stupid i am, and everytime i got excited for something or took an interest for something, she would discourage me, telling me i dont have the brain for it. 

I used to prefer to be with my father than with my mother but after he threw me out, i was forced to spend more time with my mother and when the boyfriend left her, she started to focus even more on me. After long fights, our relationship got kinda better but still i woudnt confide on her and she simply coudnt understand me. She would still yell at me for the smallest details and verbal abuse me.

And yet, i still  moved to another country with her almost two years ago and  havent felt so miserable (shocking, right?) since that year i spent of my life at 2 different universities, thinking that i need it and letting my parents pressuring me. (Of course it was worse in that year, tried to kms "passively" twice and only my best friend knows about it.)

I feel like this not only because of her, but because being the foreigner in another culture is really hard, specially when you have anxiety and you dont know the language that well. 

I always felt like a waste of space. Im stuck in a stupid job that i dont like, i cant study bc i dont even know what i like and what i want. I feel pure emptiness and loneliness. I spent almost my whole like thinking about death everyday and how good it would feel to end that void, but i dont know what to expect on the other side. I dont want to believe there will still be darkness, but i guess doesnt matter what we believe. We all gonna go, one way or another, and we will never know whats in the afterlife, IF there is something else. 

It's infuriating that instead of thinking "this person might need help" people automatically asume you're a lazy f\*\*\* and they try to make you feel even worse. 

I know theres people that had it worse than me but we all probably feel the same, and i dont know what to do anymore. Im tired, i want everyone to leave me tf alone and at the same time i crave for a meaningfull conection with someone that gets me.