I don't have much to say, but I have to get this off my chest. It's been rough few weeks. Rougher than usual. Do you think that subconsciously, we know when we've done wrong, even if we don't acknowledge it, and thusly punish ourselves? Maybe even punish other's?

Did you know, that my dad used to be a soldier? I won't say with what army or national or whatever. But... I always had the impression that he'd killed a lot of people in the service of his "homeland". And then one day, he went off track. Became a deserter. Became a drunk. A coward and a fool. And no one could quite figure out why. Why he threw his life away for this.

I always heard he was smarter than that. It made me wonder, if he wasn't just straight stupid, then maybe what he Became was all on purpose. The army praised. People praised him. Maybe he some part of him thought, that no one else was going to give him the punishment he felt deserved. No one but him.

He was sick, obviously. Sick and suffering. You can have all the good things in life and still feel you don't deserve it. That's how I've felt for years now, I think. Because, every time an opportunity for better change came around, I found some way to ruin it. I could've had money, maybe even love. But I pissed on it and said "no thanks". 

I hate everything about life and existence, so wholly and fiercely. I feel obligated to destroy the thing's in my path. Everything. I feel nothing about it. But then, why do i still think about it?