Preface: I have been having a lot of trouble expressing how I feel without shutting down--this poem isn't great but it is the first time I've been able to write about my feelings in a very long while.  Since discovering this subreddit, I have been able to verbalize my feelings slightly more.  I apologize for the violent and possibly triggering content, this is my warning not to view it if you are sensitive to it.  It was written after I spent most of an afternoon just laying on my bed listening to music and trying not to lash out at my FP.  I am not diagnosed with BPD so if this isn't relateable and purely triggering, lmk and I'll take it down.  I just wanted to put this poem out there because this community has made me feel heard and validated just by reading all of your experiences.  Anyway here it is..

&amp;#x200B;

Empty as a broken promise  

I lay in my bed   

Music floods my ears and mind  

It can't quiet my pain

&amp;#x200B;

I lay numb, afraid to move  

As tingles coase my veins   

The emotions treat to unleash  

But my wall holds firm

&amp;#x200B;

At once, a trickle of a breeze goes by  

I feel my heart race  

My tears pour out, my heart cries out  

I am a disgrace

&amp;#x200B;

No one loves me, no one cares  

I am left in despairs

&amp;#x200B;

I pull my hair, I plead and cry  

I punch the wall, I hit the sky  

I scrape my arm, I smack my thigh  

Lord oh Lord, I want to die  

&amp;#x200B;

I see the pills just over there  

I see the knife and stop to stare  

I want to run but don't know where  

This pain is more than I can bare

&amp;#x200B;

I stop at once  

I can't die  

I can't do it  

Don't ask why  

I just shiver  

Slowly cry..

&amp;#x200B;

I am worthless, I am sad  

Little somethings make me mad  

I'm a failure, I am bad  

I turned out just like my dad

&amp;#x200B;

This is it, it cannot be  

I really fight the urge to flee  

I am all the bad I see  

I am that bad, the bad is me

&amp;#x200B;

I can't do it anymore  

The happiness is out the door  

The bliss I knew is gone  

I do everything all wrong

&amp;#x200B;

Go away!  Leave at once!  

I don't want you here.  

I am fine, I am great!  

It is only you I hate.

&amp;#x200B;

F\*ck you b\*tch, go and d\*e  

I won't even say goodbye.  

I don't care, what you say  

I didn't like you anyway.

&amp;#x200B;

Yeah that's right,  

go and leave.  

Man you are  

a f\*cking sleeze..

&amp;#x200B;

Where'd you go?  What'd I do?  

What on earth is wrong with you?  

I need you back, forgive me please,  

I'll get on my hands and knees

&amp;#x200B;

I need you, forget the strife  

Without you, I'd take my life.  

I love you, don't you know  

Without you my life is woe..

&amp;#x200B;

I lay numb again, at last  

the pain continues on  

It's pushing me so I will break  

Silently but ever-present