I don't know the exact date or time- but I have decided that when my cat dies, I'm going to go down to the bridge over the river in my town, and jump. She's old now, and getting close I think. I'll try to take care of her the best I can. But when she's gone, there will go the only creature that can stand to be close to me, and even then only because I feed her.

 This hurts too much. The sadness. The worthlessness. The invalidation and the causal cruelty. The loneliness above all. Not the lack of friends... I do have those. But the lack of someone who really cares, the lack of someone who chooses me over anyone else, the feeling of always being the spare or the backup, easily thrown away when I no longer serve a purpose. That feeling never being a fight, while I fight so hard to prove I'm worthy. I can do it anymore. I don't want to do it anymore.

This is not any cry for help, or comfort, or understanding. We are far beyond that now. This is simply me saying it out loud somewhere that people who know me can't see.