The past few years my mental healyh hast been getting worse and worse ( not pandemic related this started way before, but ofc that didnt help) ive never been social but i feel likeim becoming socially challenged beyond my typical anticocial behavior that im used too, i vsnt carry on convo with people, i can no longer make small talk, i cant keep eye contact, i feel like im being rude but not trying to, but more recently ive started to disassociate, i started feeling awkward and self concious around my friends( which i used to only in public ) but now im realizing that i feel like an imposter in my fsmily,like i dont fit, i feel adopted even tho im not, i cant tell if they are starting ro feel like strangers or if i am, i love my family but eqch day i feel like i belong with my friends and family less and less, like im an imposter in my own mind, ive never felt more alone even tho im not, i feel like im always being watched or judged or talked about, as far as i know the eorlds out to get me, im fucking terrified, i wasnt always like this , ive been depressed for many years and been through my fair share of shit. But this is different, everything in my life is losing meaning, everything feels pointless  the things that used to bring me joy and pull my from my depressive states, no longer work, they stoped interesting me, and as i get older (22m, currently) i dont know who i am, i dont know what i want in life, but im starting to even feel self concious alone, like being watched by a stranger, but its just me, i dont feel joy. I dont want to exist but im terrified of death and scared to end myself, i csnt bring myself to, but i dont mstter to the world, i go to my meaningless job and spend all my time making enough to scrape by, i feel out of place at work, i feel out of place in generall tbh, but after work i come home to an empty house, sleep alone, wake up and repeat, my life has no substance, no warm body to sleep next too, no hand to hold, just me existing alonr, but i dont want to, but the only time i ever get any peace is when im alone in a dark room. Darkness means nobody can see me, not even me, its the least i can exist wiyhout death, so alone in a dark room laying on my bed staring at the ceiling is the most peace i have, but even that seems to be not the case as much any more idk ehat to do ( sorry if this is full of typos im crying and in yhe mifdle of a panic attack writing all this so it may not make much sense)