Sorry this is a long one but no one in my life has an understanding of bpd, if anyone cares it would mean so much
ive been gradually feeling worse since september time, not leaving my room for fear of lashing out at people as i got in that bpd headspace where i felt everyone was out to get me. been getting irrationally offended by other people’s behaviour to the point i became toxic, bitchy, angry and disrespectful to my friends. neglected my housework (something i normally never do). i apologised without prompt to my housemates for leaving my dishes as i have an extreme fear of being disliked, and when i briefly come out of a bpd headspace i am incredibly self aware and ashamed, almost too ashamed to admit sometimes, but i tend to get there eventually. when called out for being bitchy i apologised and took responsibility. this didn’t seem to be enough and out of anger my two best friends bitched about me for hours whilst i listened from my bed, one carried on even when i said i could hear. all my worst fears had come true, my friends hated me, my apology had meant nothing and once again my mental health had caused me to push my friends away. i convinced myself they wanted me gone, so i overdosed and my friend called an ambulance. it’s been probably the worst month of my entire life since then, i was triggered beyond anything, dissociating, suicidal, no appetite and ive been so overwhelmingly angry with them i could not see any other perspective, i felt so justified and full of rage i saw no other way. i continued to lash out even after receiving apologies, anyone who tried to get me to see another perspective was a villain to me, anyone who called me out for a my venomous words was trying to play the victim in my eyes. i know im recovering from this episode because i can finally see a little clearer, but it’s taken me ruining the relationships and hitting rock bottom with the people who mean the most to me to finally break the cloud covering my thoughts. it’s a never ending cycle of shame. i was convinced my friends didn’t want me anymore despite their best efforts, i advertised my uni room for next year because i wanted to run away from the people i loved, but perceived as not wanting me. i was convinced they were talking about me behind my back because i was so triggered from that night. two of them messaged me telling me they did not want me to move out, and it could be fixed. to say i was surprised and confused was an understatement, i was so convinced they hated me. i tried so hard to get my feelings across because i felt i had a chance at being understood now i felt wanted again. my fucked up brain made me petty and pessimistic. i perceived everything she said in the most negative way possible and reposted the advert for my room thinking she didn’t really want me. when it came to light this was a misunderstanding, i was blocked as this misunderstanding was perceived to be apart of my hidden agenda to hurt other people. i desperately tried to reach out and explain i had perceived her wrong but the room was promised to someone else who made big decisions based on this room availability. when i managed to get through to them to explain i’d reposted the advert because i’d perceived everything all wrong, they were so angry with me, they believe i am lying, and i have an agenda to hurt them for my own personal gain. i can see how awful this looks to a normal person, and i can’t see them ever taking the time to understand the workings of my broken brain, despite knowing my diagnoses. my low self esteem and negative perceptions have offended them personally as they’ve tried to reach out to me before and i’ve pushed them away and now i’ve been told i have to give the room up, they say we can remain friends but not living with them would just be a constant reminder of how my bpd has ruined something good. i see no way out, i just want to turn back time, the only way i feel i can move forward is by isolating myself completely because i would not be able to cope with the constant reminder of what i’ve done.