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# Completely used and discarded

I'm new here and didn't know where else to turn and could really use advice/help.

I (f/26) just recently broke up with my live-in boyfriend (m/28). Things were rocky and never 'perfect' but I always tried my hardest. I suffer from bpd and can be a lot to handle; always suspicious and quick to anger and I always struggle to identify if I have a right to be upset or if I'm overreacting but I was always loyal and always willing to be there for him and look past his flaws. We were both sober and started drinking again, him more so than me, and it caused a lot of fights and problems. I slowly backed off drinking but he kept going and eventually it came to a head and I asked him to leave a second time after getting in a physical altercation, saw him messaging his ex, and another female he claimed was his cousin (later confirmed with his mother he has NO female cousins).

Fast forward to Monday, April 19th and he stated he'd be out by Thursday the 22nd. I said that was fine but he needed to pay half of April's rent, or I'd pack his belongings and he'd have to move immediately if he couldn't commit to that. He did, and even signed a contractual agreement. We were able to remain civil, for the most part, but I was also devastated at how cold and cruel he was acting and how he blamed me for his infidelity and never apologized, seeing as I still cared and didn't want it to be like this but couldn't trust him.

To make a long story short, I was still helping him get home from work and allowed him to stay longer than Thursday if he needed because he told me thats when payday was and he might not get approved for his new place until then. We were intimate the night before and even cuddled the next morning and although I was sad and shouldn't have done it, I thought maybe things could turn around. I come home Thursday night to all of his belongings gone along with some of mine, no rent money, and find out his ex was the one who picked him up and was most likely in my apartment. He's blocked me from everything. And I am in so much pain and so hurt that it seemed like he never gave a shit to begin with. I know I wasn't perfect but I still did everything I could for him to help and he completely used that and me and doesn't seem remorseful in the slightest. and I am OBSESSING.. I hacked his social media, reached out to his mom, sent a nasty message to his ex, continuously crying and checking his insta/fb/snapchat through fake accounts.. he's blocked me on everything and my abandonment and wanting revenge is in FULL swing 

How can someone who claims to love you and care be so cruel? I know it's not a me thing but it's left me feeling dirty and worthless. This has played on the deepest negative parts of my BPD and I feel like me asking him to post me on his social media for my own validation and comparing our relationship to him and his ex's is what pushed him away and caused this because I can't be normal and happy in a relationship. (SIDENOTE: both him and his ex were heavy addicts and were on-and-off for 3 years and constantly relapsed, cheated, and lied to each other). But THAT'S who he goes back to.. and acts and treats me like I'm absolutely nothing.