i want to be confident, instead i end up coming off haughty/bitchy/entitled.  i struggle to have enough self awareness in the day to day social moments, that when i end up coming off in ways that dont feel true to myself. that sicken me to think i am that way. like i dont even know when im being genuine and when im not.  i dont often notice that im being such (haughty etc), and when i do it hits me like a brick wall.   then i lose all the belief i had in myself in an instant.  i no longer feel like i can be a functioning member of society when i become certain that the persona i give off is hollow and vain and the only people that like it are equally hollow and vain people, so i dont deserve more because i cant be more.  then i judge them without judging myself.  or i judge myself too harshly while idealizing them. it honestly depends on the moment.    


i developed agoraphobia from this fear of others and fear of myself.  that i dont know what they think of me, that i dont know how to view myself, and i only base myself off of what others see me as.  i mean others perceptions are going to shape how i get along in the world, so of course that shit matters to me; but i think its wrong to base my self-perception on others opinions--well, on my perception of others opinions since they dont usually state things clearly, i make too much assuming.  i hate not knowing.  its just another fear among too many fears.    


i feel like the curious cat that's also the cowardly lion.  thats, that feels so brilliant, and now that goes straight to my head.  i really am, im the damn curious cat posing as a lion but beneath it all im a coward, trying to be something i cant.  like the arrogance deflates or pops like a balloon when im actually tested.  talk the talk cant walk the walk.  thats what i struggle to control about myself.  i put on a face for the world but because its fake, well, its fake.  i cant walk the walk because im not even being my fucking self.  cant be real because real is overwhelming.  real is not knowing what is real.  that in itself, perhaps by its very nature, inevitably, is overwhelming. well i mean thats not how real always is, but thats how it is when it comes to the things that make me agoraphobic and anxious and crap.    


like with socializing.  sometimes i think i can really read between the lines, i really "get it", and then i lose it all so quickly.  maybe its an attention deficit thing in that aspect.  ugh.  i try to base others opinions of me when im uncertain off of their behaviours towards me.  if they hated me they would do certain things, if they like me they would do certain things. but thats not certain either, so i feel im deluding myself.  i guess that all comes down to trust.  taking someone at their word if i asked them, which is often a socially weird thing to do, it still comes down to trust i guess.   so i go through all this shit just to remind myself that i need to believe in trust.  why cant that just be natural. fear again.  im too afraid of the real things because somewhere along the way i got hurt.  traumatized.  i feel like i traumatized myself, because i have no majorly traumatic events in my life.  "micro-traumas"?  ruminating and psychological self harm can lead to trauma?  i want to justify that to myself.  to believe thats true, but again, its almost like i need someone else to tell me because i cant just believe it myself.  but now when im in this mindset, even if someone did tell me i probably wouldnt really take it as true.  

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i cant pull my life together if i cant get these essential basics down, it feels like.  