i haven't spoken to them for a long time we aren't in each others lives at all and for some reason lately i cant stop randomly thinking about them. since i found out about bpd which was like maybe a year or a bit more after we broke up, ive realized my attachment to them was definitely an fp type thing. never knew why i acted so weird with them and got randomly jealous and angry and distant but now it makes sense. anyway so i just feel shitty constantly because i know i wasnt a good partner and i desperately want to go back in time and be better and let them know how much they really meant to me and be constantly caring and present and open. i was with them for what felt like forever and i never even opened up about my trauma or just what exactly my mental health was really like. i just cant tell if i want the relationship back like if i specifically want them or i just wanna make up for my mistakes or im being selfish because all i care about is how they view me or something. its so so difficult for me right now not to message them and apologize and tell them how important they were to me but thats so desperate and also not fair to them i think? like maybe they dont wanna talk to me so i shouldnt act like a wounded deer that needs help because then theyre gonna feel obligated to help me even if they dont want to. i dont know this is just a lot and i feel like im at the end of my life here. really dont know how im supposed to keep doing this and i just want them to know the real me that i never really showed them. i just want them to be here and i feel so fucking pathetic for that. i was like nothing to them and i know that but i attached myself to them so much i felt so broken and hurt when we broke up but like fuck i wouldnt have wanted to be in a relationship with me either i was so distant and stupid. i hate myself so fucking much