Hello there!

After a long pause due to Covid I tried to work on my Anxiety again. I learned to endure most anxiety related symptoms, but in situations that needs my body to relax (sleep, pee,erotic) enduring is not enough. I really want to try to have a relationship with a girl, but with my sexual anxiety I just feel myself not worthy enough, and I don't want to rely on someone else to cure my problems. So I tried a few times with an erotic massage to feel anything during these encounters, the first times nothing at all happend, but now I'm a bit more relaxed so I started to feel something, which is the problem I write here today.

It felt way to intense in a bad way, something like I would imagine Postorgasm torture be like. Nothing like I'm used to while masturbating at home.
Is this normal and do I need to get used to that? At home I normally do very little physcally more mentally by reading stories hearing audios or watching porn.  

Do you guys have any ideas how to deal with this? I'm very down, because I think that every sexual dream I had is just a lie, that my mind is making up and that I will never feel the satisfaction I want to get.

Sorry for the rant and thank you for reading and your ideas.