tw // mentions of self harm

 hi there, i have recently noticed a pattern concerning my past friendships that i feel like might be caused by my bpd but i’m not sure, so i wanted to come on here and ask whether anyone else feel this way. so, to keep it short, i care about friends to the degree that will get me hospitalized ( i once cut myself, not because i wanted to kill myself but because two of my best friends were going on a trip together that they didnt even think of inviting me to and thought if i got hospitalized it would get them to notice me again. i know, fucked up.) and then out of nowhere, it’s done, i’m over it i don’t care about them. i still keep in contact with most of them because really, i am scared shitless of being alone but i truly stop feeling those overwhelming emotions i once felt about them and just .... stop caring. this usually happens when i find someone else that will give me the warmth and comfort that a new possible best friendship will bring but sometimes it just occurs naturally and in my head i end the friendship before its even done, without even letting the other person noticing anything had changed at all. can anyone else relate? is this something connected to my bpd? or am i just a shit person and a shit friend. i really would like to know...