
TW: Death, Grief, Mental Illness 













Remembering good times during holidays and celebrations with my whole family together makes my heart hurt so bad. Knowing that my family will never 𝑟𝑒𝑎𝑙𝑙𝑦 have another occasion where we are all together like that again. We couldn't, my mom, my brother, my grandparents, big mama, my uncle - they're all dead. And now every single family gathering feels so empty and foreign and forced that I don't even want to go. Most of the time I don't. And deep down, it hurts and makes me feel so much guilt and regret for not being there and sharing in the memories and moments that they are creating without me. It's just so hard to take part in them and be present. I find myself heavily dissociating often, and especially during these kinds of social events or during times of extreme stress or trauma. I lost a close friend during a trip to florida while we were all tripping on research chemicals in 2014. That gave me PTSD and I still suffer from it. I also lost a friend to suicide (2017), a friend to fatal car accident (2018), a friend to overdose (2021), and an ex boyfriend to suicide (2019).
Nothing seems to be fulfilling or satisfying for very long. Not food, or drugs, or sex, or working, or making art, or spending time with people, or sleeping, or anything I used to like doing. My life feels so empty now.