I (23m) internalize a lot of emotions sometimes feeling like I walk around with a mask. I have a lot of moments when I think people are thinking negatively about me. I had a break up of 6 years last year and went manic lost everything. I was drinking every day crashed my car into a poll. I have random thoughts of suicide I suppress and I don’t want to do it but it’s like “oh the thought of ending it, we’ll let me just forget that cause it’s a temporary thought and I’m just depressed” but I’m not physically hurting myself I just do that with alcohol occasionally specially liquor cause I black out.  I get random punches of deep depression then random punches of motivation. I feel like I’m on a roller coaster sometimes and I cling super hard. My last girlfriend had bpd pretty bad and we had a fight on vacation and she basically cheated on me not physically but went to a bar then played pool with some dude n left with him n his sis to go back to their house. I told her to go back to Ohio sent her on her way then I ended making a manic decision to start my life over on a new slate with my family in Florida. Now I’ve been down here for 5 weeks I started a job I’m going broke struggling. I’m really trying to get with a tinder girl but I’m just so stressed so out of it I don’t know if it’s a good idea to but I’m horny and feel the need to put my dick in pussy so my last thought of sex isn’t my ex. I still think of my first ex (6year) and I also still think of my last ex (6month). I’m in a new area living with my aunt and idk what to do and I don’t feel like im doing enough sometimes. I’ve been running and working out every day but that’s what keeps me sane unless im drinking or fishing or on Xbox. SORRY FOR THE RANT/run on sentences.