I want to get help but I don’t want to lose whoever I was supposed to be. It’s hard to even look at myself for what I am/ rather became but flat out its disgusting and I’d want others to see it that way a lot of the time. I’m a deadbeat brother, he was supposed to amount to something, but it’s hard to explain, I wasn’t there for him and he grew up ugly the past two years. my parents look at me with shame. and love in their eyes but I can’t move.  I’ve no job I married my best friend to help him out, to put it simply it was to gain citizenship, but I’m practically dead. I used to be his role model, but I’ve ruined everything, he’s also begun turning out cold and heartless. My health is dog shit, this is hard to write. My leg doesn’t work right, my backs giving out, I’ve bad posture, my heart is having problems. everything sucks. I hate being negative. Life’s a joke