Hi. So my wife found on my phone that a coworker/ friend of mine sent me apartment listings that I messaged. In my mind I wasn't planning anything nefarious just an emergency strategy because I convince myself that she hates me and is leaving me, and taking the kids everytime we fight. 

Also when we fight I shut down and take a lot of the things she says to me and interpret them differently then she means she says. So that happened and now I'm trying to play damage control and went to the bathroom and quit my job. Now I have no job and my insurance is gone and my pension is gone. I quit b3cause I couldn't stand the thought of going back to that place and thinking everyone knows and is talking about me. So to avoid any of that I just quit. She is really hurt because it was a nonbinary friend who used to identify as female so she thinks I was going to leave my family for them and that's just not the case. 

I feel myself going deeper and deeper into a mental black hole. I am sure I'm going to die alone and I deserve it. Fuckkkkkkk this sucks. I don't know what to do, my therapist can't see me until next week and my psychiatrist can't talk to me until Friday and I'm scaredof the time between now and then. I don't know how to do this anymore. I hate that I do this stuff in every relationship. I hate myself. Truly, I feel like a pathetic worm who doesn't even deserve to choke on dirt.