Why the hell did I read it

They dated in high school, from 2014-2016 I think. I knew both of them at the time, I had a crush on my boyfriend for years before we dated, but she wouldn't let him hang out with me. We still would have classes together and sit together at lunch, and then I'd watch her literally pull him away from me. I knew she was at least a little toxic from looking at their relationship from the outside, but they both looked so happy, I remember being jealous and sick all of the time. 

We've been dating since 2017, and we're now both 20/M. I know all the details now, I know how bad it was, but I still can't help but be jealous. I'd see him do all these gestures for her, get her gifts, do her favors, over the top romance stuff, and I wanted that so bad. He's very distant now. He doesn't do any of those things for me, he only did stuff for her because he was forced to. Now romantic gestures give him anxiety. I feel like she took advantage of his heart and destroyed the whole thing. I feel like she robbed me of the healthy version of him. 

Anyway, he cleaned his room the other day and found a 100+ page book she wrote for him. It was poetry and her writing about their dates, him comforting her, and GRAPHIC sex scenes... That were actual things that happened. He's never actually read it, and I read most of it while he was in the shower. 

It made me jealous because SHE got to have what seems to be the best of him. It was really gross to read. I know that it's not 100% true, she was writing this with rose colored glasses on, under the assumption that he was happy. 

We're going camping next week and burning it, along with a handful of other things from her.

I might feel better once it's gone. I just can't stop thinking about this weird ass book. I can't stop being jealous of how strongly he did love her at one point, and aboutnhow cute parts of their relationship seemed like from the outside, and how amazing it was from her perspective.