im well aware that bpd kind of makes u think that everyone hates u so i always used that as an excuse when my friends would make me feel bad. sometimes my bpd makes me split on the people closest to me so i always thought that’s exactly what was happening.

im so used to thinking that im the problem so it was hard to look at people and ask myself if they’re part of the reason why i feel so shitty. i couldn’t help but notice how when they’re not around i feel so much better. literally i started to see what was going on and that our friendship wasn’t as real as i thought it was. 

to them i was the ugly friend, so they constantly made fun of my looks. i mess around with my other friends, we’ll tell eachother we’ve got big heads but at the end of the day we were joking and never actively tried hurting the other. with my fake friends it feels like they’re constantly taking the shit out of me and laughing when im actually hurt. they’ll take things im genuinely serious about and stomp all over it. other people say they’re joking but they always seem serious and so unnecessarily rude.

sure my bpd may cause many problems in my life but i cant ignore it when im ten times happier and relieved that they’re not around. im tired of thinking im the problem when i should have known that that’s not always the case. 

i need to remember that some people will just be assholes and i cant really blame it on my bpd to justify their behavior. 

anyways i just wanted to vent about this to tell myself that it’s not my fault when fake friends try to pull this kind of shit on you. and im also gonna try to start the new year without these toxic friendships 