I have an on and off switch with my feelings and sometimes i have a breakdown and cry for hours, and then after a while I would feel nothing. I’ve never been diagnosed. I’m aftaid to tell my mom.(I’m always afraid of everything). To be fair even my mom needs some therapy. Even though i love my mom I sometimes can’t help but hate my mom for being incapable and narrow-minded. 

I somehow found out that the heavy feeling in your chest is actually sadness. Few years back i would only feel heavy in my chest but nowadays I’m barely holding my tears back in public everyday. I know i said i have an on and off switch with my feelings but it’s not like i can control it. Sometimes i feel like i could cry forever and sometimes i feel hollow. 

To make matters worse i feel the need to hurt myself so badly. I’m barely holding myself back. I wish i had the courage to cut my own neck. I think i would feel so much more better after letting my emotions out on myself. But somehow i also kinda lost my motivation to even do it. 

I don’t even know if i have depression for sure because I’ve never been diagnosed and that makes me feel like I’m seeking attention. And i feel like I’m faking all of it. 

Anyway, thankyou for reading my bullshit and have a good day.