hey friends! i'm a college freshman at a decent sized public university. i've been dealing with anxiety , ebbing and flowing, since I was 10 or 11 but this period may be one of my lowest.

 there are so many moments in life that are joyful and beautiful. due to a living situation, my friend's chameleon is staying in a dorm as a guest for a day or two, and i've had a wonderful visit with both my mom and a close friend within two weeks. there are so many other little sweet things in my life too. 

however, i find that small moments of social anxiety and tension rock me to my very core and then i start going down these horrible spirals of thoughts. my relationships with 3 people in particular are distressing me a lot . i feel a lot of tension during our interactions that break my heart. things just don't need to be that way and i don't understand why they are. or i could just be creating that tension and fueling it with my anxiousness. 

the most difficult thing about social anxiety is that a lot of my perceptions about my relationships and other people are probably not real. my happy relationships feel very real though and i have an ability to feel happiness/ closeness deep within my heart. but it hurts so much.