This is a little hard to talk about. I was wondering if someone else grew up with an easily intimidated or jealous parent that they do care about immensely? How do you do it?

I grew up getting used to it. I don't even find it comfortable criticizing them, and I care about them immensely, but sometimes I feel so lonely, because I don't get the validation I need from someone who's in my life my whole life but was never there for me. I am 40 now and I'm fully aware that they came from a broken background themselves. They gave love the best way they knew how. I would never hold it against them, especially as they're older, but sometimes I wish things were different.

Unlike other kids, I never had a relationship with them. I can never talk about my accomplishments and get told how great I am. When I'm hurt, they don't know how to deal with it. If I have something good, they feel intimidated by it. I perfected the art of empathy. I grew up learning how to read their pain and discomfort like a detective. I became so submissive to lower their guards and make them feel I'm not a threat, but even when I do that, when a fight breaks, it's always, "this is my house, this is my business not yours. these are my kids, it's none of your business (even though those kids are my siblings too)". It's always alienating me.

I learned how to always compliment them in order to say, "I'm on your team. I'm not against you. I'm not fighting you. I'm part of you. I don't want to fight you", but something always makes them feel threatened. If I buy something new, if I accomplish something, etc. Sometimes I feel they find even joy in pointing my flaws just to prove I'm not better. But it hurts so much. Because I feel I don't want to be this person's source of intimidation. I want to be loved by them. They're a source of safety for me.

I never talk about it or complain about it, because I know they do care. They just don't know how to express love in a healthy way. I also don't think it's fair to expect them to change. I don't want to change them. I want to continue loving them the way they are, but what I wanna know is how do you create that source of emotional fulfillment inside of you without needing it from someone else?

I wasn't lucky to have kids of my own or a husband or a family or even a pet. I'm surrounded by stress factors in my life every single day that make me feel controlled and limited in my circumstances to the point where I feel suffocated. I can't run away somewhere far right now or be happy.

I just want to know how do you be so independent emotionally to the point where you genuinely don't need anyone? Is that even possible? I want to be able to continue living with those I care about but build enough secure boundaries around me to just push away everything that is hurting me and destroying me inside and distracting me but at the same time feel content.

I feel so sad that I wasn't smart enough to do that before hitting this age. And I think this pandemic just took its toll on me. I just want to feel "safe" on my own while I'm surrounded by these distractions that are destroying me inside and also manage to be around those who aren't perfect without needing them to give something beyond what they're capable.

It kills inside to feel like my life was a waste. If it's not someone close to me that is hurting me then it's someone else who took my submissive nature, which I had no choice but to adopt in order to feel SAFE, but that same submissive nature is making even strangers take advantage of me, cross my boundaries, which makes me feel disrespected, tired, and sad. I feel like I'm pushed aside left and right all the time and I never got the chance to live my life.

Sorry for rambling. Just not having a great day and decided to just spill everything.