I have a fear of abandonment that’s caused me to have a series of unstable failed relationships, have some intense mood swings where I have thoughts of ending everything (although have never done anything), get into blind rages and text things to my partner I end up really regretting, and identify with the FP mentality. I’ve been to therapists but have only ever been diagnosed with social anxiety and depression. I had an ex who said I was BPD, but I never thought so. Years later I’m wondering if I am or just have some similar traits. I don’t necessarily identity with the lack of identity - is that a big part of it? 

I grew up with a pretty difficult childhood emotionally with my mom having schizoaffective disorder and my dad always battling depression.

I know I should actually get a diagnosis if I want to know for sure but it’s so hard and expensive to find a good therapist. But I’m engaged now for the first time and don’t wanna screw this up. Definitely need to figure out some better coping mechanisms. Wondering if I have BDP or my anxiety causes similar symptoms, or something else…?