Spiralling :) because :) my boyfriend :) who loves me and treats me like a motherfucking princess :) mentioned rough sex :) which I am totally into :) and now I'm cutting in the bathroom :) cuz that's a TOTALLY NORMAL OKAY RESPONSE, right? :)

I ask for it rough. Literally beg for it. I'm into it 1000%. The pain, the humiliation, being used. He's not a bad guy for having this kink. He'd never do anything nonconsensually.

But my sexual experiences started with sexual abuse, sexual assault, and rapes from way too many people I trusted. I'm not sure this kink stuff is what I'm into so much as what I think I deserve.

What I want is someone to love me enough to not enjoy it. To tell me I can have better, be better. To be patient through the panic attacks I get with gentler sex. To reassure me it's okay, I deserve to be loved gently and treated well. To just... Not want to hurt me. Somebody. Anybody. Ever.

But even guys who say they don't want to end up doing it. And get off on it. Hard. And do it more and more and push any boundaries because... It's fun. Hurting me is fun.

I can't even be upset. I ask for it. I get off to it. But sometimes I get stupid and let myself wander into 'what if...' territory and hope for shit I don't deserve. 