TLDR; My psych is horrible and I need to vent/get some reassurance that I’m not crazy and awful for feeling angry at how I was treated. 

So I really just needed a space to rant as I had a truly awful experience with a psychiatrist yesterday and it’s made me doubt everything. 

I have been trying to get a diagnosis of BPD for literally YEARS now - I fit all 9 criteria, the symptoms have pretty much ruined my life, and I’ve been having these issues for decades. Despite this, every single clinician has shut me down whenever I ask to explore a diagnosis. I want the language to explain to people what my issues are, but without a diagnosis I can’t do that. 

I saw a psychiatrist yesterday and was hopeful going in. A nurse I’ve been seeing at the local Crisis Team (who specialises in PDs himself) even sent a letter advising that I was seeking a diagnosis and the reasons for this, and was very supportive. 

Unfortunately, the psychiatrist was a massive prick. He didn’t go through the criteria, refused to discuss pursuing a diagnosis with me, and instead insisted that I have “Enduring Personality Change After a Catastrophic Event”. He told me that this is a “less severe” form of BPD, but wouldn’t tell me why my symptoms are not deemed severe enough. (I actually looked up this condition after my appointment, and it is a form of CPTSD, NOT BPD. I know there are similarities but him saying they’re the same was just a fucking LIE). 

In fact, he didn’t even ask what my BPD-type symptoms are or how they affect my life, instead focusing solely on my anxiety, depression, and fairly mild childhood trauma. 

I kept asking him to at least listen to my input and consider BPD as a possibility, but he was incredibly patronising and just ignored me when I said I felt I wasn’t being listened to. I explained that having a solid diagnosis would help me to talk to work, friends, and family about my mental health more accurately. His response was “well, it doesn’t give you an excuse”. 

He told me my “presentation” and behaviour in the appointment was “not bad enough” for me to have BPD. I explained that I try extremely hard to appear lucid and articulate when speaking to professionals, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m easy to deal with in every day life and that my symptoms don’t affect me significantly. I told him I felt my efforts to be a “good” patient had backfired and he didn’t seem to believe me. Again, he came out with a patronising and flippant response and went back to repeating himself about the FUCKING Personality Change thing. 

I ended up storming out of the room in tears with my husband having to come out and calm me down. Had my husband not been there I literally don’t know whether I would have been safe. We went back in eventually and asked for a second opinion. The psych agreed to refer me for this, but STILL would not shut up about why he thought I was wrong. 

I have been FUMING for the last 24 hours and feel completely invalidated. What’s the point of trying to be a “good” mentally ill person, do my research, have good insight, present well, and be articulate, if it means nobody believes me? What do I have to do to prove myself? My husband was thankfully with me afterwards but I just kept turning over in my mind the thought “maybe I should jump in front of a car, then maybe they’d realise that my problems are severe”. 

I don’t even have the energy to make a complaint against this guy, as I literally never want to see or speak to him or deal with him again. My husband was almost speechless at his attitude too. I just don’t know where to turn. I’m going to speak to the nurse who wrote that letter but he’s not in for a few days yet. 

My biggest worry is this guy’s notes. I feel like he’s going to paint me as being unreasonable and childish and aggressive, whereas in fact I tried my absolute best to be reasonable. I’m worried that he’ll make me come across as “difficult” to the person I get a second opinion from, when that is not the case. 

Someone please tell me I’m not crazy and unreasonable and horrible for being so angry and upset? I finally thought I might get somewhere with this diagnosis but now all that hope has come crashing down around my head. I’m just so sick of being treated like crap by the people who are meant to be helping me. :( 