I'm always in a constant state of pain, but at the same time I don't feel anything. What gets to me the most is love.

I realized I don't know what love feels like. Yet I've been in so many relationships. I've always been the type of person to hold off from being official, and I think it's truly because I know that what I'm doing is a lie, and I don't feel that connection to be committed. 

I can act so in love, and sometimes I really do care, wanna keep them happy, get jealous, and want them around me, but it's not love. It's more so obsession. I haven't felt love. I have a small crush for awhile, then when I actually get them, I go back to feeling empty. I don't act like it, or let them know, but I never feel anything in my heart.

I feel like I'm in constant misery, but at the same time, I don't feel it. I'm not sad when I should be, I don't empathize like I should. I'll do something like ball my eyes out when I get yelled at, but shed MAYBE a single tear if someone I loved dies.

The only thing I CAN feel, is true guilt and regret. 

I've been getting so high I get physically sick. Just so I can feel something else. I hurt myself to FEEL something. Anything, anything at all.