So, at this point, I am unable to function. Barely eating, barely taking shower, but still somehow going to classes. luckily educational system in this country is based on a lot of self-study days, which I don't really use, and for me, it's just another miserable day when I have other stuff to do. okay, honestly I need to take back that not doing enough part; I have 2 jobs and am part of multiple school extracurricular activities/clubs, and if wasn't for that, I would go crazy even more. But apart from that, these "semi-compulsory" activities I don't do anything. it forces me to wake up and get out of bed. but it is hard. many times in the morning I just stare at the wall unable to do shit. and now comes the difficult part- I just received my report assignment and I have 2 weeks to finish it. and I know my limits, if I would go to classes (like twice a week), it would just drain all my energy. The more interesting part is that this is already the second attempt (re-exam). I had the first one two months ago, and I didn't even hand it in, had long talks with a school counselor about it, so that is okay to give a small break and get strength for the next time. But I feel, all the same, maybe even worse. I let my study group know right after the first unsuccessful attempt that I will need to redo it, so they would know that I won't be able to participate in the ongoing project that much for these 2 weeks. and today, when I received it, I reminded them of it and got backlash, that I can't take 2 "weeks off" and we need all the hands on the deck. okay, I get it, except that this project is not graded, it doesn't matter at all. but my report does, it will determine if I pass this semester or not. another detail: one of the group members literally went on a trip abroad for 2 weeks at the start of the project and no one said anything to her. but I am the irresponsible one when I prioritize something else. it is already difficult enough for me to function on a day-to-day base. it is difficult to write that report. but it is even more difficult when I find out that my friends care more about some irrelevant project than my future and well, being and have double standards. so tomorrow have to go to school to work on some presentation for the class that has nothing to do with the project itself, but I need to prioritize it before my exam, because of the project to which it is not even related. 

and not to forget to mention, I was always at school, I skipped only one class because I had therapy and for that one class only half of my group came, and then today when I had an appointment with a psychiatrist. I was there always for every presentation. I was there always for every group meeting, when other group members were sick with the flu, and had to go to work. or simply didn't want to travel to school for "only one class". I was always there because i knew that skipping one class might be a slippery slope that will lead to even more depression. 

and I keep thinking, or better said overthinking, am I just overly sensitive and feeling sorry for myself and asking people to walk on eggshells around me, or do I actually deserve their support and maybe even encouragement for the report writing?

we are supposed to have a chat about it tomorrow, but how should I feel like I take responsibility for it and not deflect it every single time they were absent?

I'm genuinely scared, what if I screw up again and will fail the report again? what if I will be stuck in the vicious cycle of late-night anxieties and depressive episodes as I did last time? I am genuinely scared I will fail and the only thing I keep thinking is what I did wrong that I had the audacity to do this to my group

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sorry for the rant, I feel frustrated and my thoughts feel inconsistent, cos I'm upset and it's 3 am and I can't sleep, again.