\*TRIGGER WARNING \*

Hi..so I have been with my bf for over three years now. He was diagnosed ten years ago. Initially our relationship was extremely loving. I would visit him once an year for 15 days. He used to have emotional breakdowns but I would be patient with him and help him through it.  
We had been through ups and downs. With parents disapproving our decision to marry to financial issues. But he had finally decided he wanted me in his life forever and we started with the wedding preps this year. We have had a few explosive fights but he always apologized and came back and we were back to normal. Since the year started he started to nit pick me...things which found adorable about me turned into things he hated. During fights he would say he cheated on me and found someone else. He would bodyshame me and basically attack every insecurity I have only to breakdown that he only meant to push me away and we arent over. He would be back to his loving self. I thought maybe the stress of the pandemic, financial stress and the long distance are affecting him. I tried to be there for him. Due to the lockdown I cannot fly currently (also going through personal family issues which he was aware of)  
Two weeks ago he told me how thankful he was to have me in his life and he was sorry for breaking my heart with the fighting. As usual I forgave him we were back to normal. I would like to mention that he mentioned he was getting worse, Marijuana and psychedelics immensely helped him. But due the pandemic he is unable to get access to them. He is also on Risperdal which is also not available on the market anymore  
Later on he picked a fight again..accusing me of cheating just like his ex did. Saying I wouldn't put out for him (I have been raped in the past so intimacy is difficult but I have tried to open up to him and keep him satisfied over long distance)..and he called me a slut who had abandoned him to live a privileged life abroad...and that he loved someone else. After a lot of tears and me trying to prove my innocence he calmed down. And said he said all that including about loving someone to push me away. I cried to him that I wanted peace and reassured him I will never leave him. I persuaded him to join therapy as it would help him but he refused.  
Again we were back to normal but now I had developed insecurities about myself  
...about my looks... constantly fearing he would leave me for someone else. One day I was talking to him he got pissed at me for tagging him social media. My insecurities resurfaced and I asked him if something was up..He scoffed saying "Yea I am two timing on you". Another round of bickering started with me trying to calm him down..a lot of mean words were exchanged because he had started bodyshaming me again and said I wasnt sexy..I was boring and dull and he only stuck with me because of our parents.  
This time he didnt come back to me as before. He said we were over and that he was really cheating on with a girl he was talking to for three months and they just met up today. He said our time meant nothing since I was away and I didn't give him the physical contact and intimacy he needed. I begged and cried because I couldnt believe he cheated on me. He said he had been hinting all along and I was too stupid to realize. He only would come back because of "emo drama" and crying.  
He revealed he takes heroin and opioids and that he was feeling very sick. I offered to take him to take him to therapy but he vehemently refused. He was turning increasingly suicidal..with me trying to talk him out of it.  
Later on he blocked me only to call crying for 30 mins straight that he was sorry for breaking me...the guilt was eating him. We both cried. No matter what happened I still cared for him..we decided to take a break in our relationship so we can focus on healing.   
6 days went by it was hard with him being not feeling too well. I continued to be there for him despite our break. Offering to stay up with till he fell asleep..talk to him etc. He gradually started feeling better.  
We agreed not see other people during the break...however soon he started saying he was a monster and that I deserve better I should move on. I told him I missed him and I cant date another guy cuz they are not him  
 However noticed today he unfollowed me on all social media and there was poetry written...for a girl that wasn't me...it was about how special he felt while she hugged him. I realized maybe this break was just for him..to move on from me with her.  
I confronted him..he dropped the bomb he has been seeing her and that we are over. She is providing everything I couldn't (physical intimacy) and giving him what he deserves...that I am solely to blame for the demise of the relationship and that I am only clinging on because I cannot do any better and no man will hold me on a pedestal like him. I am responsible because I am too much of a prude...refused to be fly out to him. and be there when he needs me. He hinted he might not live long enough..for me to come back.   
He blocked me from everywhere again bodyshaming me and insulting me...I was basically reduced to nothing..our three years of relationship meant nothing. He has forgotten all the times I have been there for him, stayed up for him, took care of him...it is like it never existed. He has painted me as the bad guy, a leech as he says.  
I am in unimaginable pain and have been crying for the past 4 hours. I am scared...I just want us to be what we used to be..a happy couple.  
Any insight would be appreciated..where did I go wrong? Is there anyway I can help him? He is completely averse to the idea of seeing a doctor or a therapist..saying he doesn't want me to pay for him.  


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