Its been two years since my psychotic episode that left me as an inpatient for 2 months. Im still stuck at home barely able to get out the house. All I do is project when I'm in public and getting a job is out of the question at the moment. It makes me feel sick thinking about it because its been going on forever and I know I can't continue this as I know the stress is killing me. I've realised im my worst enemy and I need to be there for me at all parts of my life. I find relief in this but I think my brain is ruined. I can barely string a sentence together im so un socialized.

I insult myself, doubt my intentions, call myself things I know I'm not. I have trouble getting over my turbulent past and have realised I do have hatred inside of me for people which is so bad. Im too poor to get therapy or even new cloths and this is straining my relationship. In other words im currently a drain to the world. Im actually okay with the concept of death which makes living seem pointless. I've thought about it and im so stubborn im pretty sure I'll become homeless and on the verge of death before I actually have the balls to do something.

People say, come to peace with yourself but I just feel dark inside. Infact when I feel if I have a heart Its hard to tell. Maybe the fact im on meds im blunted and can't get out of this. I think sometimes it would of been best it would of been better if my psychotic episode was left to run itself out instead of being medicated. But who knows.