This post is also partially me getting stuff off my chest. I feel I am going through the lowest point in my life and have no clue how to get better. 

Like many of us I’ve been diagnosed with Borderline. In my case twice from different doctors. I’m also major depressive, have gender dysphoria which I feel is more accredited to having body dysmorphia, and have ptsd. I’m currently on disability to support myself financially. I am or at least recently stopped attending college - I just can’t focus on the school work enough. 

A few months ago I was admitted into the acute mental health floor at my hospital for 3 weeks for having a major bpd episode and wanting to kill myself. While I was there I was prescribed Prazosin for my ptsd, Nortriptyline for my depression and nerve pain and Olanzipine. After I was discharged I began to have side effects from the nortriptyline - often feeling onset panic attacks along with my resting heart rate averaging above 100bpm. I’ve been managing to taper off the notriptyline but the experience has been hell. 

The only medication that seems to work is the prazosin. As for the olanzapine I feel like I’m a zombie and can barely think straight anymore. All I do is sleep and stay at home and cry. I don’t feel interested in anything anymore. I’m waiting to see a psychiatrist through my clinic so I can get proper help but it’s taking forever. I’ve tried to get admitted back into the psych ward through emerge but they are too full. I feel suicidal everyday - even worse than when I was first admitted - and the medication is probably to blame. On top of all of this I’m supposed to be starting a new part time job this week and am applying for bankruptcy because I stupidly put myself into debt within the last year. 

I am truly at the lowest point of my life. I’m turning 26 soon and have no family in my life and barely any friends. I wish I had at least the motivation to leave the house but I wouldn’t know where to start. All I think about is wanting to end my life. I just don’t know how to get better, nor understand how things have gotten this bad. I want to stop taking the olanzapine because I feel it is sucking the energy out of me. Nothing feels exciting anymore and feel it was wrongfully prescribed. Only problem I’ve tried to taper off it but the withdrawals are too much. 

It helps to get all this out. I need help and don’t know what I should do. Has anyone else been prescribed these medications for bpd and what were your experiences? How does one deal with loneliness and feeling trapped everyday? I feel like I am living in my own mental prison and the only way out is by suicide. I’ve called the help lines I’ve been to the emergency for suicidal ideation but it never leads to anything. I feel my only chance is to wait until I see the psychiatrist, do my bankruptcy appointment, and see my clinics councillor and doctor and push through my new job. It’s going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to experience but I see no other way.