I am not diagnosed with a depressive disorder. But I spiral into negative thoughts about myself. I have issues which make it difficult for me to manage many aspects of my life. I rely on my parents for a lot of things. This gets to me sometimes. Like today.

I wrote a vile, hateful, and hurtful 500 word post about myself on r/offmychest. It hurt so much to write the nasty thoughts I was having. It made me feel so so bad. But the self-hate pushed me to write paragraphs. At the end, however, before I pressed Post, I realized that this stuff was not true. I do not really think I am all these nasty cuss words. And I do not really want to torture myself. I do not want to hurt myself at all!

And so, I deleted it. I did not post. And I felt so good after. It felt like a reaffirmation of the belief that I have value. I say belief because I still don't know if I deserve to hear all that vile stuff about myself, or if it is true, but I am **deciding** to **believe** that it isn't. I am deciding to believe that I don't deserve hate.

This does not sound like much, but I think it is a small victory. So I feel that this is what I deserve to post. Thanks for reading.