I've been part of a small group of friends (there's 4 of us) and just 2 days ago I had a falling out with one of them. They were trying to make me say thank you and hug my mother as for the first time in a while I had a nice day with her and I told the friend I can't and don't want to do it, keeping in mind my anxiety makes me physically feel sick and the reason I struggle to say anything to my parents is due to childhood trauma caused by them (which he knew about) that makes me scared to even ask them for anything in fear of them mistreating me again even though it's an irrational fear as they've gotten better with how they treat me now. But he was pushing for me to do it saying I just don't want to do it and that I can get over my anxiety.

I got scared and angry from the pressuring and said I never should've started venting to him which was completely wrong of me as he's been a massive help for the past few months and he let me vent to him anytime I needed to, so I essentially threw all the good advice and help he's given me back in his face and kind of said I don't trust him. Something about that comment seemed to have set him off horribly and he said some pretty harsh shit which I had no energy to respond to since I was getting hysterical by that point and just said thank you for everything and logged off discord which is the only place I messaged him on. I was shaking for hours after and didn't sleep at all that night because I kept thinking about what happened and blamed it all on myself telling all my friends that I was the one that fucked up but after they'd seen all that was said, every single one of my friends agreed he acted like an asshole and even though I said some stuff I shouldn't have he was the one that overreacted back. I haven't spoken to him since and left the group chat I was in.

He told my friends I've apparently always been dreading falling out with him as the two of us are the definition of "we either get along very well or completely disagree" kind of friendship and that he doesn't want my other 2 friends in the group to try and fix this because apparently my dread controls me and even if we were compatible I wouldn't have a choice anyway? He was my FP for a while and I think he still might be so I'm absolutely terrified of if he actually leaves me and doesn't want to fix this as it means that my best friend of 7 years who is still in that group chat will be spending every night with him and another friend in the gc watching videos and playing and talking as we all have been doing together as a 4 for about 6 months now and it makes me so fucking angry because not only am I losing him but I've also started distancing myself from everyone else as a result because I'm convinced I'm the toxicity in everyone's lives because I'm sick (which I had a breakdown over when explaining what had happened the next day to my best friend where I just got hysterical and started saying that I'm sick and I'm sorry and I can't help it). I'm not a good talker and I relied on the other 3 in the gc for conversation and they have the easiest time talking to each other so he's completely fine talking to the other 2 whilst I'm scared to initiate calls meaning I'd be ditched by my other 2 friends for him a lot of the time which they already did the night after the argument. I've already experienced horrible rage whenever those 3 would start a call without telling me so I have no idea how I'll put up with constantly wondering if they're in a call together whenever I'd see they're all online.

My best friend said she'll talk to him about what had happened and I asked for her to just find out if he wants to fix this. For me I feel like it's an all or nothing deal where either we go back to being close friends again or we just drop all of this altogether and never speak again. I don't know what I'll do if he doesn't want to fix this because I feel like it means I'd be losing all 3 of my closest friends and not just one since my lack of self worth convinces me that maybe it's better off this way since I've always felt like the weak link. I'm scared of what I'll do if I do end up losing him and my routine of being on calls nearly every night and having someone to talk to is disturbed. I've been treating my friends like strangers with a complete lack of familiarity and fear I'm going to snap completely from this and push everyone away since I know my friends are afraid of me when I get irrationally mad at them for caring and don't know how to handle me at all and honestly I don't know how to handle me either and he's the only one who's ever managed to stick through my irrational rage and always forgave me before all this.

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tl;dr : I'm in a gc with 3 others and I fell out with one and I'm the one who left the gc as a result and my other 2 friends and him have an easier time hanging out than I do hanging out with the other 2 as I'm not nearly as talkative or interactive as him and I don't know how to handle it.

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Any advice on how to take care of myself and manage the jealously and rage I'll be feeling if things end with him and my other 2 friends will start spending time with him without me there?