I've been suppressing my hypersexuality for ages, because I was so hung up on my ex. Things changed and I ended up learning a lot of bad things about him. Once over him I've been a mixture of hypersexual, really lonely and but too self conscious to go on dating sites. I ended up becoming friends with an exs friend he was really in to me and we had a close encounter 3 weeks ago on a spur of the moment decision. Since then he's been really funny, barely talking to me, saying he's been going through a hard time, cancelling another meet up we had planned. I decided he's not someone I can rely on but I would like to keep around since we both shared a lot with each other. 

Tonight I was finally forward and he said he was going to see me, suddenly very interested in messing around. Made plans, he was going to get a taxi to me and drive up. I asked if I should get ready and he said yes. Messaged about an hour ago saying he couldn't get a taxi and has completely ignored me since. I feel invalidated, like he's only talking to me for sex, and now I'm not even worth talking to unless I can provide that, not even worth saying goodnight to.

Because I like him I know I'm going to reply when he finally does, I'm going to have sex if he offers, even though he's treating me shitty as a friend and even as a hook up. Even now I'm waiting patiently on my phone and making excuses like "oh maybe he's on his way, maybe his phone died" but honestly he probably just couldn't get a taxi and went to bed without even bothering to tell me. 

I really should value my self worth more and not indulge him but I know if he offers to meet tomorrow ill be just as pathetic and in all likelihood be let down. I want to tell him theres no chance but then that feels like shooting myself in the foot at the chance for some sex and actually feeling close to someone. I'm really pathetic, I feel horrible, and dont even want to sleep just on the off chance he replies. I'm the sort of girl that gives girls a bad name. I just want any sort of relief I can get, from feeling isolated and I'm like a dancing monkey having been given the chance. 

Fuck my BPD honestly and how little I value myself