Though I constantly need to feel cared about I sometimes see myself getting really angry at the people in my life and the professionals involved in my treatment because they want me to want to get better when I really just gave up on myself and don’t want to even try. 

I feel highly overwhelmed because there’s so many people to let down when I end up doing things my way (aka. engaging in self destructive behaviors) and they think I’m making progress but the truth is I’m just getting along with what they want for me because I feel sorry for all the trouble i’ve caused and all the feelings i’ve hurt. I would rather people just forgot i exist and I didn’t need to try and meet their expectations and could just be bad to myself because it’s what seems like my destiny and what I think I deserve. I’m tired of trying to avoid it.

And I probably shouldn’t be complaining about this because the support I get is way more than a lot of people do but I can’t help feeling the way I do at times.