If this doesn't seem like the appropriate sub for this, I apologize. 

I feel so low and full of shame. I am relentlessly obsessed with someone. I have not been professionally diagnosed with BPD, but I am in therapy, and my therapist admitted that I do have some borderline traits. I know that many people with BPD can relate to the idea of an FP. I am completely codependent and addicted to this person. It's like my dopamine and oxytocin are completely tied to him. It's miserable for me, but I also feel incredibly guilty because I would HATE to be on the receiving end of an obsession. I have the desperate impulse to reach out to him even when he doesn't want anything to do with me. I am not a dangerous person. I would never hurt anyone. But I feel like my behavior is at best selfish and at worst abusive.

I know that it is unacceptable to reach out to someone who wants nothing to do with you, and I do not want to be someone who harasses or cyber stalks another person. Reaching out to him again before has resulted in us reconnecting, but I know that, regardless, I should not have the urge to violate the boundary of someone who wants nothing to do with me now. 

 I am trying to take accountability for my toxic behavior, but it is so hard for me to overcome. I feel no positive emotions without this person in my life, but I know this is no excuse to initiate unwanted contact. I just want to be close to this person. I've felt a suffocating void of emptiness inside of me for so long, and unfortunately, a brief, positive relationship with this person made me feel whole. I felt normal for awhile. I feel selfish and, frankly, crazy. I have meltdowns all the time because of the feelings of deprivation and hopelessness induced by his absence. 

I guess the point of this is to find some support. To find some hope, some reassurance that therapy will help me. I suppose I just want people who can perhaps relate to tell me what I should do to alleviate this heartbreaking obsession. I need to learn ways to curtail the overwhelming urge to disregard another person's boundaries and keep trying to contact them. I've only been in therapy for a little over a month. I feel like it will take years before I'm emotionally healthy. I just hope I can be fix myself.