*I mean with other people, not by oneself or with animals.*

&amp;#x200B;

  
Years ago, I would just go on dates and make out with people and cuddle and then feel terrible afterwards.

At the moment I'm in a really deep hole of loneliness. of which the main symptom is the desire to be held tightly and warmly. It's that platonic side of things that gets me.

Also, I still feel like I don't want anyone near me either? Though the pain of being lonely and touch starved can be hard to cope with, so it can change dramatically over the course of an hour. It's like at the moment I really want to be held though there isn't anyone and it's making me upset, yet if someone magically appeared and offered it I would probably say no????

I validate myself all the time and I am much more aware than I used to be. I am desperate to avoid any intense BPD feelings that I have had in the past such as guilt, regret and wanting to disappear, though they usually were because of going to first base, second base, or sometimes third base. It's like I want 0.5 base! Haha. Though I don't know how to find this?

I hope I've made sense. I have posted this in other places before though it's that BPD side of things that muddies the waters a tad.