I have lived a really difficult life and that leads me to easily spiral into suicidal ideation. Lately, I have been struggling really heavily. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I never thought I'd make it. I lived through a lot of severe trauma throughout my life and view people as being selfish and frankly, people terrify me. I feel like I am already dead and like nothing is real or matters. I used to cope by dissociating and when I struggle, I just feel like I'm gone. I know if I died, it would make zero difference in the lives of the people I know. I don't matter to anyone. Not even myself. I am so exhausted from all the heartbreaks and deceptions. I really wished I could have been truly loved and understood.  But ultimately, I wished I could have been protected and didn't have to go through everything that ruined my life.