I cannot handle emotional pain. I cannot. I cannot. I cannot. Recently someone ghosted me. I’ve never been ghosted before. Of course this caused me to spiral.

Calm at first. Then clutching my head and chest unable to breathe. Screaming. Crying. Etc.

In order to cope with this, I tell myself that it was all imaginary. That he was a figment of my imagination. that I don’t deserve good things, I mean I’ve NEVER had anything good in real life before, so it must have been a figment of my imagination , right ? Wrong. There’s an unpacked suitcase from the time we met with all of the outfits I wore, the shoes, his scent. It was a real occurrence, yet lm trying to convince myself that it was just one of those daydreams I’ve spent my entire childhood imagining. Used as a coping mechanism anytime I was experiencing abuse (so daily). 

This is not healthy. Because now the lines between real life and imagination are becoming blurred. It’s making me question reality. Did he really exist? Yes, yes he did. But I just I don’t know…..