I have been in a healthy relationship for 3 years now. Never had one of those, it’s pretty damn nice. I hate to say it but I miss going to parties and kissing whoever I wanted to. I miss feeling validated by people and then never having to see them again, you know, before they realize I’m not all that great. Makes me feel beyond guilty that I feel this way because I love my boyfriend so much and I honestly like where I am at except for this tiny thing. I think about this crap so much trying to figure out if I’m unhappy or if I’m just being impulsive and I should just ignore it. Eventually it goes away but when it comes back it’s pretty intense. It got significantly worse a couple of months ago when I found out my boyfriend was watching a specific type of triggering porn behind my back after I had asked him not to. It wasn’t so much about the porn, it was more about the fact that he was pretty much lying to me. Porn is whatever really, I watch it too. I never ask for anything so I just expected him to do this one thing for me. Idk. After that I feel like I’m not enough at all. He’s apologized a million times and I forgave him and honestly he’s regained my trust once more but that doesn’t fix how ugly I felt and still feel. So, I started having tons of sex with him looking for something, feel sexy and wanted and hot, and I do! but it doesn’t last.  So, naturally now I want to go back to old habits like having one night stands till I feel better and I can’t. I love him and I want to be in this relationship. I don’t want to hurt him. He accepts my diagnosis and doesn’t shame me for it. He listens to me and stays calm when I’m volatile, he doesn’t think I’m annoying when I’m manic, I’m not too much for him. Yeah, but I just don’t feel well…gotta suck it up, I guess.