Please let me know if this is triggering at all and I’ll edit. 

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I go to therapy, I take my meds that don’t do shit, I work my ass off every day to fight this demon in my mind that only gets louder the harder I try to fight. It never ends. I went through residential and partial hospitalization treatment for my eating disorder. I learned all the skills and everything. They help me not use the eating disorder. But do they help me feel better? Nope. Know what does? The eating disorder. I get some weird sort of serotonin boost when my stomach rumbles. I feel like I’m achieving something when I get dizzy. I can’t escape. 

My dad is an addict and he goes through the cycle of rehab, being clean, relapsing, over and over and over. Even if it’s been a few years, he always goes back. I feel like I’m always waiting to find out he’s using again. I fear I’ll be just like him with my eating disorder. I’m in full on relapse right now and I don’t know what to do. 

I started having nightly nightmares again and I think it triggered me back into the eating disorder because they were so distressing and the eating disorder is how I’ve always coped. And now I can’t stop. 

I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I really don’t. I’m not in crisis right now but I am really suicidal. I don’t know how I am supposed to go through the rest of my life being plagued by these mental illnesses and constantly having to fight the overwhelming need to deny myself food. 

I’m so tired. Over a decade of mental illness and I’m just so tired of fighting my demons everyday. Sometimes I wish I’d just killed myself as a teenager so I wouldn’t have to live this life anymore.