My life has been full of trauma and pain. I grew up in a toxic household and got bullied and verbally abused by my parents and at school. I didn't really have friends and some of my "friends" kicked me, hit me, scratched me with sharp objects, destroyed my things and mocked me. 

I was like 11 when I first wanted to kill myself. At 17 years old I was sexually abused by my ex who was 20 at the time. Later I realized he was also a pedophile (13 &amp; 14 year olds don't want to get into it). At the time I couldn't process it so I ignored it. He also got his friend to take advantage of me when I was drunk. Taking my clothes off and touching me. 

At that time my parents had broke up recently and the breakup was messy. It ruined my life for a few years. All of it got dumped on me because I was the older child. My (father's side) grandmother was also diagnosed with cancer. My mother gave me no support or understanding when I needed it.

I always tried to please others so someone would like me and it led me to do stupid questionable things that I regret so deeply.  I hurt other people because I was hurting. My relationships were unhealthy and damaging but I was so scared of being alone again I couldn't broke up/get over the breakups. I've been a bad friend and a bad girlfriend.

Last year it hit me. I thought I had fucked up again with my now boyfriend. I realized can't live like this. With all this pain and burden and fuckup. I thought I can't live at all anymore. I wrote letters for my closest friends and parents and started planning how I would kill myself. My life was ruined and I had no hope. Everything was painful and I saw no escape. I was so, so tired.

I told to my friend and he came over and called me an ambulance.
They let me go home the next day. My therapist called me and I had to go back soon after. I only have blurry memories. When I was home again I talked to my boyfriend and he forgave me. Not instantly but after doing lots of talking. We weren't official then but a few days passed and he asked me to be his girlfriend. 

I also got accepted to university. It was something I wanted for so long. It feels a bit strange and scary, but love has also really been healing me. I have a reason to be here and be a better, healthier person. I can see a future. I cry from happiness when I think about him and when he tells me he loves me. I can't ruin something this good and I'm doing so much work to never be in such horrible headspace again where I can't even process that I'm hurting others with my actions. Of course I should be doing that for ME but that isn't possible yet. Of course, school has been good for me too. I feel like i have a "purpose" again. I didn't have a job and didn't go to school for 2 years.

I'm in a much better place but my past keeps haunting me. I want to be happy first time in my life and I finally have the means to be. But I'm still in so much pain. I don't think I deserve this. I despise myself and the things I've done. I still have the letters. I can't throw them away because they bring me some kind of safety. I have them if I can't handle this anymore. Some days I really feel like it. I feel hopeless. I'm finally happy and healing but my past is ruining it for me. I don't want to die anymore but I also feel like I can't handle this shame and guilt. I've been trying to fix things and make good choices for my future but I feel like it's all for nothing. My boyfriend deserves better. My exes deserved better. My friends deserve better. My parents and brother deserve better. It's all ruined. I ruined it. I'm so lost.