I don’t know about you guys, but I get stuck in that “new relationship high” (or idolization) for a very prolonged period of time. That stage of near-mania where the sun shines out their ass and you basically assume their likes and interest because if they are so amazing, their interests must be too. There are bad days where things are off but I have learned to keep the spirals to myself, my counselor, and strangers on the internet lol. 

To prevent myself from overwhelming my partner with all my feelings/affection/attention/complete stream of consciousness, my counselor has advised me to try and find normal and healthy activities to divert my attention to find a better balance. And I truly have given it the “ole college try” for months. I cook as a hobby, I have a dog that I can funnel my love into, and I have a blog I write poetry on that actually does help some. However, I constantly think about how to share anything and everything with my partner. And find myself manipulating what I’m doing to make it more appealing to show it to him to get that sweet, sweet attention and validation. 


The only thing that really, REALLY gets my mind off of it is the brain-rotting side of YouTube and things of the like. I can spend literal hours watching videos of people just talking about stuff that really has no benefit to my life other than this self-soothing cycle I’m getting trapped inside. I am primarily self-employed and it’s getting so bad that I’m getting myself into financial trouble (teetering on high-risk behavior) because I’ll just zone out for hours, absorbing brain rot content to I guess fill my head with thoughts other than my own obsessive ones. It really does soothe me... but makes me feel dumb and directionless by the end of my nearly daily binges. 


I’ve brought it up to my counselor but I think she’s at a loss too.... She basically suggest things I’ve already tried to implement, like not “allowing” myself to watch things or be on my phone during the work. BPD? Not hitting the pleasure button? Right... I think a major issue is that my work is romance writing and of course, my relationship is a big source of inspiration. I recognize I need to get away from it ease some of this cycle, but I’m booked for the entire month and already weeks behind on certain deadlines. 


I don’t know if anyone will have any advice at all or can relate entirely. I just.... feel so stuck in it. It’s becoming embarrassing. It almost feels like an addiction, but I know it’s because I’m essentially numbing myself from my BPD symptoms. 
Any suggestions or just shared stories are so appreciated. 

Stay safe out there.