I’ve known my FP for five years, and we dated for a hot minute before breaking up just over two years ago.

The way he left, according to my therapist, traumatized me. However, I’ve been doing EMDR lately, and I’ve processed pretty much everything I experienced with/from him. Nowadays, I’ve been feeling pretty good about myself, him as a person, and my life compared to before the EMDR sessions.

I still have feelings for him, unsurprisingly, but the bitter pain I used to feel about him isn’t there anymore, and I even recently said that I think he and I could actually start over as friends, and it would be completely fine. 

Except... Now that he feels like someone I have yet to know rather than an old friend, my brain is like, “leT’S FANTASIZE ABOUT HIM JUST LIKE YOU USED TO ALL THE TIME *BEFORE* Y’ALL STARTED DATING!”

I kind of hate myself for it, and I don’t know how to make it stop. God, I love him so much... but I know that it ought to be quite some time before I even consider being in a relationship with him again, if ever. 

None of this is fair to him, either, you know? I swear, I’m losing my mind. I don’t want to be addicted to him like this anymore. What the hell do I do? 

(Before y’all say I should cut contact with him, I haven’t spoken to him in five months.)