This has truly been one of the worst years of my life. When I came to college for the first time I knew it would be hard, but not this much. I was really excited to leave my abusive family and I assumed everything would instantly get better. But the reality was a month before I moved into the dorms I was so stressed that I had lost my period. My ED was at its height and for the first month I was here I was starving myself and not leaving the room. My dad got covid and had to be hospitalized and put on oxygen, and then I was broken up with. On top of this I was also being harassed by my mother even while I was away from her household. 

This ensued one of the worst mental breaks I’ve had in awhile and I completely gave up on school and failed multiple classes. My first couple months here was just panic attacks and contemplating suicide. 

It took a minute but I was finally able to find antidepressants that worked for me. Alongside that I also found a really solid group of people I hang out with regularly so I’m not alone anymore. Admittedly though I was also abusing weed and alcohol a lot during the time I met them.

I’ve toned it down a lot on drinking and recently decided to take a break from smoking. But even if I feel more normal, I still just don’t have any motivation to do anything. I can’t clean my room and it’s disgusting, I couldn’t really do finals and didn’t want to anyways. I just don’t feel like doing anything besides going to work, and even then I’m always exhausted or late.

I feel like it’s my fault. I feel like I should be better already. I think im a slob and it’s pathetic that I can’t even muster up the will to take out the trash. I feel good when I’m with my friends or enjoying my personal time. But I still just cannot focus on anything that’s truly important. I just wish I could take care of myself again