TL;DR I keep fucking things up in my relationship and my life and I don't know what to do anymore 


This might be long...I'm sorry, I just don't know where else to turn to or how else to feel. 


I(f22) keep fucking things up in my relationship with my bf(m21)


We have been dating for a little over 3 years now. I ended my relationship with my mentally and emotionally abusive ex and went straight into my relationship with the man I'm with now. I love this man...more than anything. But it seems that I keep having toxic tendencies that I've picked up from my previous relationship that carried over into this one...


For example, when we first started dating I still had photos of my ex on my phone. I learned from my ex that it was completely fine to have photos because they're memories and we had dated for 2.5 years. My now partner asked me to remove them and it took me a long time to do it, not because I didn't want to but I just kept forgetting about it. The most recent incidents are..I don't have many friends, so I restarted my old kik account and mostly males would talk to me(and flirt)...I would still talk to them but not respond to any of the flirting and continue on the conversation on a different topic because I just don't have many people to talk to.(I have bipolar 2 and lost basically all of my friends because I was too depressed for them or my parents wouldn't let me hangout with them because they thought I was too depressed to leave the house). The last incident occurred tonight. I was at a drive thru and on the phone with my bf, while I was at the window of the drive thru I saw someone there that I've known since high school and he asked for my number so I gave it to him because it's always been a completely platonic friendship. 


After getting home my boyfriend got really mad at me and said that I have no respect for him or love and that I should have known his boundaries and should have given the guy my Instagram or something instead. This guy has also not always been the greatest to my bf when he's been in the drive thru. I.e. slamming the window on him when my bf asked him something, granted I genuinely don't know if this person heard my bf or not. 


I've really fucked up tho and it's really taken a turn on my mental health and it keeps making me question if I'll ever be a good girlfriend or if I can ever fix the things I've done wrong. Idk what to do anymore, at this point I just feel like I want to die honestly. It's so tempting. I feel like I'm never going to be good enough. I even asked him tonight if he really wants to be with me anymore because I keep hurting him. I don't want to hurt him though...there's something wrong with me tho because I keep doing it.


I would post this in the relationship advice subreddit...but I know I would get so much shit for it and I don't think I can handle it. I know I'll get shit here too because I've been absolutely terrible. Fuck I'll just never be good enough I guess