Not bothering with a throwaway, I figure if anyone who knows me finds this, they'll probably have figured it out by now anyway. I say 'recently diagnosed' but it's more like 'found a piece of paper that says I'm borderline'. I've had a weird history with mental health professionals and there are a lot of holes in my treatment history where I can't recall what happened and the documentation has vanished. I have a therapist, but she specializes in autism spectrum disorders. Can't recall for the life of me how I wound up her patient, I'm not autism spectrum nor have I ever been suspected to be, as far as I know. Have a meds doctor too, I used to be on abilify but it made me feel 'gray' and gave me nausea. I don't know if 'gray' makes sense. Am I just so used to these wild swings that what would pass for normalcy just seems so boring and bland to me? I have anxiety issues as well, when I'm not spiralling out of control and the sky doesn't feel like it's falling, I start to get that itch. The itch to wreck something, to burn a bridge or start a fight or something to just feel more alive and electric. But at the same time it's so frustrating, I feel like I push away everyone even though I desperately need them. I just don't even know where to start at this point. I've been having bad headaches for a couple days, trouble focusing. I couldn't drive myself home from work last night, I was afraid my lack of focus would result in an accident. I'm sorry if this is disjointed or weird, I just don't even know what to do with myself. All the symptoms make sense but it's so scary putting a name to it and then learning there's no surefire way to 'fix' it. Do I even want to fix it? I don't even know any  more.