I think I’m a borderline but I have not been diagnosed by a professional or anything simple.
If I were to self diagnose I think I have anxiety, depression, ADD , OCD tendencies and Bpd ( DONT GET IT WRONG IM NOT ASKING FOR ANY DIAGNOSIS,IM JUST SAYING WHAT I THINK ABOUT MYSELF )

I wonder how many of these are real but idk if I’ll ever find out since I don’t think I’ll go to a psychologist. I hate being vulnerable and I would have no more privacy and peace from my parents if I went to therapy....

Also today I bought myself bandages and some blades ...oops... not because I’m sad or suicidal in this moment but welp I’m kinda numb and I miss the peace and serenity I got after self harming so I guess I’ll start doing it again....

When I first told my dad about self harming and what was going through my mind I once said something along the lines “At first ai wanted to do just a bit but then I did more” and he was like “so you’re pretending you’re not really sad” so now that I told you about the blades I hope you won’t judge me for an attention seeker but rather someone that doesn’t want to make her friends sad about her shitty decisions and rants to strangers on reddit...

I was almost always told that I was just an attention seeker or attention slut whenever something happened and it hurt me ( physically) more than parents or family thought it should  so I’m always trying to avoid telling my friends that in order to not have them leave me because of the attention seeking and not listening to their or my own advice ....not that I’m not constantly thinking that they’re just enduring me and don’t actually enjoy when I text them ( none of my friends live in the same country I live so we only can talk on Instagram. And I just disabled my main account after a “if they care they’ll text you first” and a “they don’t care anymore “ melt down .

Sorry kind stranger who just a few days ago told me to not start it again and kind stranger who reads this whole mess.
 
I rant/ vent here because no one knows I have a reddit account or who I actually am on reddit. 

Also , kind stranger who sees this please don’t follow my steps and refrain from harming yourself (again) if it ever happened before and just really never. I know that what I do is bad but I can’t really help it, I’m exchange you kind stranger can do better for yourself;)