Okay, so... let me try to explain. I have very severe, crippling anxiety. I deal with the whole range of symptoms: panic, derealization, racing thoughts, phobias, hand washing, etc. And then, social anxiety. Don't get me started on this. It just makes daily life so damn difficult and simple, mundane things become such an ordeal. Still, all of these things I can fight through, even the social anxiety stuff. But every day I am consumed with fear that I am wasting my life. And this is the worst anxiety for me of all. Like whenever I wake up I freak out because I don't know what to do with myself, with my limited time on earth.

 I come from a very abusive and dysfunctional family, so a lot of my life was wasted by my relatives. And now I'm just scared to death that my life will soon be over and it stood for nothing. I simply cannot choose a job ever. It's been a loop running in my mind since I was a teenager and I still can't figure it out. I just want to break down all the time because I can't take it anymore. I never know what the hell I'm supposed to do with myself to make my life count.

 I signed up today to volunteer at an animal shelter because I know for a fact that's something that "aligns with my values" as people say these days. I know that is something worthwhile. I know for certain eating right, exercising, taking care of my health, hygiene, taking care of my cats, those are things that I for sure need to do. But the rest, I have no clue. Sometimes I wake up with panic, dread, racing thoughts and my hands shaking because I'm overcome with terror that I'm wasting my time and have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing about it. I feel this immense pressure of a clock ticking and running out of time hanging over me constantly. 

I'm taking a course now in a web-related field but I keep getting distracted. I start to panic, get racing thoughts that what I'm studying is wrong and worthless and there's something else I'm supposed to do. And it just never ends. I can't stick to anything. I feel that way about every job. It's like choosing something is sentencing myself to the wrong life? And I need a job to support myself. I need money. 

I have a new job coming up in may. It's just a seasonal job with the parks and recreation department, and I'm already thinking of quitting because I think I chose the wrong job. And I'm just falling apart over this. I wish I knew who I was. I see how people just know what they want to do and where they belong, but I haven't a clue. Everyone else has their role in the world figured out and I'm just this zombie floating through existence, just doing the motions of living. 

I have a super late start in life thanks to my family, so I don't have time to explore anything.  I am a determined person, so if only I knew what I  wanted, I'd be able to pursue that and work towards it. It's just so overwhelming. I think of suicide constantly to make it stop. If I am dead I won't have to worry about it anymore. And also feel it's too late for me anyway to have a meaningful life. The agony is just crushing. I can never live in the present moment anymore and just relax. I am constantly going in and out of dissociation because of this. Last week I was dissociating so much, I managed to put 7 gallons of diesel in my toyota! I just can't go on this way.

I  don't know. I have tried expressing this to people and no one seems to understand what I'm going through.