I have always had bouts of depression through my life, but nothing that lasted longer than a few weeks. School was my outlet when the world became too overwhelming and I threw myself into rigorous schedules to keep myself busy. I went to a competitive high school, so I thought the transition to college (at least academically) would be manageable.

However, since I came to college, I lost almost all of my motivation. I think that the school I went to wasn't the right fit for me, and I keep feeling that I don't belong. It's gotten harder and harder to get out of bed and do things that I'm supposed to. It's gotten to the point where I can't keep up with my academics anymore. The only thing that I was ever proud at is slipping away from me, and all I can do is watch as I become a shell of the person that I used to be. 

My family and mentors tell me that it's normal to feel this way, that the college transition is not as seamless as it is mades out to be. I want to believe that things will improve, and that with time things will all fall in to place. But I feel like I tried to make things better. I applied to different clubs I was interested in, I made friends that I feel close to, and I tried to say yes to as many social events as I could. Despite it all, I have never been happy here, and it's getting harder and harder to pretend that I am. 

I'm at a point where I can still transfer schools, and start somewhere new. It's such a difficult decision. I spent so much time and money to go to a prestigious university just to give it all up after the first year. I don't want to disappoint my parents, who have been so supportive of me throughout my life. I feel like I'm throwing away such a great opportunity, on a chance that may not work out. The hardest part about my worsening depression is that I don't know if its being caused by my environment, or if its something that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. Even if I do change schools, what do I if nothing changes? What if the problem is me?