Hello everyone!  

I’m in such a bad mental state right now and I need your opinion on this.  

Yesterday, when randomly looking (out of curiosity to see if we followed similar people) at my boyfriend’s Instagram’s "following" section, I saw all the accounts he was following. Those included many humorists, actors, feminism and social justice accounts, meme pages etc… but also a lot of porn stars and very attractive women posting sexually suggestive photos. That surprised me a little bit because they did not look much like me and I was surprised he was turned on by certain body types there that are so unlike me (e.g. big boobs); but did not necessarily made me feel bad.   

However, I stumbled on one account he was following, which was called "tiktokteens"-something, and showcased 18-20 year-old-looking women dancing in very sexually suggesting ways, typical TikTok dances in very little clothings. Many if the settings were made to look like "schoolgirls" dancing in their bedrooms. Like, their bodies look mature but it is obviously made to look like they are (older) teens and look very immature. Maybe I can tell you the name of the account so you can judge for yourself… tiktokteenslysn. Like, just the fact that he follows an account with this name, obvious teen sexual content, makes me feel so disgusted. 

This triggered me soo soooo much for various reasons. One being because I felt like I did not recognize my boyfriend at all in this, he is always talking about feminism and how disgusting some men are eg pedophiles, and I would have otherwise imagined him to be repulsed by this kind of content. The other one being that I was sexually abused in childhood and imagining him being turned on by "teen" content makes me want to throw up and jump off a bridge.  

I feel so very lost and confused… I have not talked to him yet but I am splitting so much on him right now and am worried that I can never see him in the light I used to see him before. The idea that a 38M is attracted to teen content repulses me so much… Is it a normal thing for a man to be attracted by this, like a biologically-driven instinct, or am I right to be so weirded out and scared by this? I feel like even if it’s normal for men to check teen content because maybe the bodies look better, I still find it weird that he is not repulsed by Tiktok sexualized content of very young women, and is instead turned on by it… It is so unlike him… For example I remember him being so discouraged by the waves of #metoo as well as after watching documentaries about the porn industry and learning about the human trafficking it entails…    

I should note.. In real life, whenever he’s attracted to someone, it’s always mostly because of their personality and intelligence before anything else, and he’s attracted to people over 25 generally (25 might seem young but that’s because he’s still at university doing his MD, he’s an older candidate so a lot of women he interacts with wether at school or hospitals are in this age range), but never to that young looking women… Also, he does not interact with any of these accounts; just follows them.  

I would appreciate your perspective on this… Thanks &lt;3