I got scared to do this, but ayyy imma just let it rip. 


puns.


So basically about 7-8 years ago, my family had decided to take a vacation to Puerto Vallarta mexico. If you have never been to Puerto Vallarta, lemme say that this place is stunningly beautiful. Ocean views everywhere, mountains towering over the resort below, grannies going topless on the beach, *obviously* everything you could ever want. Well in Mexico, aside from the natural beauty, there is another natural aspect to life there that is often overlooked. And overlooking this aspect can result in a mess of epic proportions. 

Essentially, theres this thing called Travelers Diarrhea. Hot right? When someone gets travelers diarrhea in mexico, its generally from drinking contaminated tap water. Me being a 13 year old, assuming that I was invincible, decided to drink the water. And this is just the beginning of a large downfall into the literal bowels of hell.

After a day or so, I started to feel real sick. Like real real sick. Like there was actually blood, but I won't tell much more than that. 

I was on the toilet for a full day, conversing with my family through the door as if I wasn't basically parting the red sea with my ass. You know we talked about casual stuff "how are you doing" "is it still happening" "why is it still happening" yata yata

And so by the next morning, I felt totally fine. So I assumed by that logic that the travelers diarrhea was gone right? tf no oh bless my heart and my colon

We had planned to go on a whaling trip, where for 3 hours we would be going on a tiny boat, with about 5 other families and a tour guide to see live humpback whales. Let me tell you I was not about to miss that. I mean whales, like you cant not wanna see whales. So I gussied up and we headed out to the touring agency. So far so good, I felt confident in my current state, and was sure that the travelers diarrhea was gone. flash forward a little bit and were on the boat and we get out to the site where the whales are. Mind the fact this is a good 20 or so miles off of shore, so this was no close to shore. We started to see whales and let me tell you, for that alone this next shit show (puns again wow) was worth it. I started to feel my stomach contracting, and had this feeling rather similar to what you'd expect the chestburster from the alien movies to be like. Like for a solid 5 min I felt like things were contracting and like my body was going to explode. On a scale of 1 to I ate way too many bean burritos from tbell and i need to die now, this was the latter. My legs started to go numb, my heart started to race. My brother noticed and was like omg you good? And I just locked eyes with him, with a look of sheer panic because I then realized something was coming, and that something was not to be reckoned with. We then told my parents quietly who tried to assure me itd be okay, but alas, my travelers diarrhea was too great to bare. So we talked to the guide and asked them what we could do, and they said we would obviously not be able to return to shore, and i calmly explained Sir I understand, but I need to get off this boat somehow, before everyone experiences something truly horrifying. He took the cue, and just as he was about to say we may need to have another boat come out to get me and bring me back, THE GATES OF HELL OPENED. I felt it, and it was not going away. I told him I needed to get off the boat now, no matter what. And so I remember he offered me a life jacket and said that they could get a little closer to shore. Nope, too late! Right at that second I knew we had about 10 seconds until another asteroid, like the one that wiped out the dinosaurs, was gonna arrive. So in a panic i snatched that life jacket, and whatd i do? I straight up, without even thinking, jumped off the edge of the boat into the ocean, and....


*Released the kraken*



After that we headed back to shore, and I was not only horribly embarassed, but also quite amazed by the circumstances I just had experienced. Like I saw whales, and then I got to *SWIM WITH THE WHALES TOO* 


Needless to say that was probably the most anxiety inducing, but hilariously embarassing moment of my life, and I will never forget it.