Hello there
Im a 28 year old male doctor. I work in the field of pathology. 
Ive been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder this year back in February and have been on 10 mg Lexapro since then. For the most part, this drug helped me so much and i felt good for the past 2 months. 

I have always been anxious, since childhood and especially since i was diagnosed with lymphoma (blood cancer) when i was 10 years old. 

My first traumatic experience was when i was a child in the hospital and a doctor did an FNA (fine needle aspiration) to the tumor in my neck. Seeing that huge needle going into my neck didn’t scare me at the time because I think i compartmentalize this experience in my little child brain along with many other things. 

I did get treatment with chemotherapy and radiation. I was free of cancer for about a year.

Since then i have had a cancer recurrence two years after initial treatment with chemotherapy. Then i underwent the last resort of treatment which is bone marrow transplant. Thankfully, i have been cancer free since 2006. I have had recurrent nightmares about having cancer again. At least 2-3 nightmares per year. 

I chose to be a doctor because of the thing i went through. My specialty is pathology meaning i wanna help patients but i dont wanna see them suffering. I diagnose cancers under microscope and its for the oncologist to tell them the sad news. 

Today was my first time touching a patient in 5 years. I did FNA to his neck mass. After the consultant asked me to do it. I successfully did it but when i gave the nurse the needle with cancer cells in it i felt like dying. 

Thankfully no body noticed and i was doing with the procedure. I sat on the chair at the clinic trying to catch my breathe. I was sweating so bad. I felt sick to my stomach and my heart was pounding too fast. I knew this was a panic attack because i took psychiatry course back in med school. 

Now im ok, in my office drinking coffee and feeling content. 

The thing i felt (and found it emotional) is that i also felt sad, ashamed and alone. I felt like i wanna call my boyfriend or my family. Thats the main reason i wanna share this story with you because i dont want to tell anyone in my life. However, i understand the importance of therapy and for sure ill be on it for the well being of myself and the patients.