Massive long story ahead:

My daughter (now 25) has cut off contact now for a couple of years. I did many things over the years I am not proud of. Out of all of those things I would have never said hurting/abusing my daughter was one of them. I know I have never physically touched her. 

When she became a teen things got rough with her and we did not get along at all. This was partially my fault as I was not on the right medications for my bipolar and other crap. I was actively in treatment trying to find the right combination. At age 15 she decided to go live with dad (we were married for 12 years). I was crushed but I had no choice but to let her go. Things never got better. As she got older sometimes we ended up arguing on the phone even when just trying to talk about the weather. 

Long story short is I cheated on my husband (second marriage) and ran up credit card debit that I was not paying on. I left him and moved back to my childhood and started a relationship with the guy I had cheated with. That broke the camels back with her, I guess. I spoke to her on February 28th 2019 and then not again until June 26th when she was informed that I was going to sell my house that she was living in (age 23 at the time) I was giving a full one year notice. She called me and was screaming about how horrible of a person I was and hated me, how about never made one good decision in life, I don’t deserve love, I’m psychotic, I have BPD (which I agreed with her), I was a horrible mother and that her boyfriend’s mom was more of a mom in one year than I ever had been, just because I gave birth to her doesn’t make me her mom, I only ever blame others for the horrible things I do or have done and that how nothing is ever my fault. 

I ended the conversation after about 10 minutes of having her yell at me. The next morning she called back while I was in the pre operative room because my brother was having surgery. I was stupid and answered. She started in again yelling that she did not finish speaking her mind. At that moment a nurse was starting an IV in my brother. She could hear clearly everything my daughter was saying. I sat there just silently crying as the nurse looked at me with sympathy in her eyes. I had to end the call because of where I was sitting. 

All I do is cry when I think of her and miss her terribly even though these past 2 years without her have been so much more calm. All I really want to know is what I did for her to hate me so much. I can’t apologize for what I don’t know what I really did. I think it’s the unknown factor that tears me apart. 

If you got this far thank you for reading my sob story. I guess I just needed to get this out.