I have been so careful not to get sick. I knew I was pushing myself and didn't want to end up with covid or in deep depression again. Then I went out and stayed out partying the other night for the first time in years. Ashamed and embarrassed of drunk me. Feeling gross and depressed. Panicked I have made myself sick just because I wanted to fit in for a while.

I hate this. I hate pretending its ok and I am coping when I am not. I just don't have anyone to carry me if I fail.

Just needed to tell someone that I am not coping.