It just doesn’t feel like this will get better. I’ve felt this way since elementary school and it’s only gotten worse with time. I’ve never felt worthy of friends or boyfriends. I can start friendships but can’t maintain them. So much social anxiety about performing as a good and interesting friend. Fear of coming off too strong so pushing them away completely. I’ve finally allowed myself to become truly close to two people in my life. I try not to be obsessive but honestly it means everything to me and all I want to do is give them gifts every day and sob to them not to get bored of me or realize I’m fucking socially awkward and depressing to be around. Every night I think about how I couldn’t been more outgoing or more restrained or more chill or more energized. I’m never enough for my liking. It’s why I don’t socialize because I end up going home feeling worse about myself because it reminds me how ugly I feel inside and out and how I have a fragile personality and don’t even know who I am. I’m just so tired and I don’t wanna be alone but I don’t wanna keep feeling like this either. No longer have health insurance so I’m having to skip therapy this upcoming week unfortunately.. I even wanted to stop seeing my psychologist who is the best one I’ve had because I felt that I was becoming more trouble than it was worth and was burdening her. After I’m at the stage with someone where u could just  be beginning to be considered close that’s when I cut them lose because the closer they get the sooner they will see I have zero identity and I’m not even sure what all my issues are so how are they supposed to improve. I just realized I Pushed ppl away. For years I told myself I was probably a narcissist for being too cool for everyone but it’s actually the opposite