this is something i wrote during a panic attack to try and cope and focus my brain towards something else while still allowing myself to feel. 
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i love when people ask me how a panic attack feels. 
“well it feels like i’m dying.”
“how do u feel like ur dying though?”
i guess if you have never had one then u don’t necessarily know what “dying” feels like. 

u know when u lean back a little too far in a chair and u start to fall backwards,
or that feeling when u walk down the stairs and miss a step
and u get that “oh shit” feeling. 
it’s a bit like that. but continuously. 

let’s start with the heart.
usually one of the first things u feel 
there is no gradual incline 
it’s sudden 
it’s violent 
out of no where you are hyper focused on the beat of it. 
the beat that courses through ur body
allowing u to feel the blood rush through your veins
it’s skips and dances around in your chest as if to mock you
you can hear it 
it’s loud. so loud u start to think everyone around u can hear it too 
it taunts your mind like a siren alerting u of impending doom. 

ur blood becomes hot. 
it wastes no time traveling to the back of ur neck 
where u feel a rush of warmth which will alter ur perception 
you start to feel like ur in a bad dream 
or maybe u feel like someone is watching u
the paranoia drops u into a false reality in witch there is no running. 
there is no hiding 

the paranoia seeps into ur lungs and consumes ur oxygen 
you gasp for air but no matter how hard u try, u can never seem to breathe
now ur suffocating. 
your vision begins to flatten 
as the world around you becomes 2 dimensional 
and ur face feels like static as it tightens up against ur bones. 
scratching
squeezing 
pulling
begging to get feeling back in ur face. 
and while u focus on that ur hands become stiff and numb. 
along with ur arms 
and legs
and feet. 
your head feels as though it is full of air. 
ur stomach has turned itself upside down. 
ur in deep now. 

if ur lucky this time, u won’t pass out or throw up. 
maybe you’ll just cry because ur terrified
or maybe you’ll swallow every dreadful feeling into your trembling stomach. 
u just want it to stop. 
your bodies on fire 
but ur shaking with chills 
ur completely out of control. 

now this may last a few minutes
or up to an hour. 
and ohhhh those hour long ones 
will make u wish u would just die already 
it’s agony. 
feeling completely helpless literally within ur own skin. 
torture. 

so now ur finally calming down. 
 finally coming back to reality. 
ur trembling in a ball recalling everything u just felt. 
u sit feeling defeated as u wonder when and where the next one will come. 
ur eyes become heavy
u begin to slur ur words
and ur brain goes fuzzy 
ur exhausted
mentally emotionally and physically drained 
but it’s finally over
until the next one comes. 

so when u ask me what a panic attack feels like, trust me when i say “it feels like i’m dying.”