hello guys,

I'm a 20 year old boy with bpd.

I grew up without money, my family was and still very poor and that's why I kinda never had any pocket money, when I had chance to work, I usually spent my money asap on something big and necessary for example phone, notebook, bed, driver's license etc. 

now I'm a little bit older and I'm in university and because my family's situation I'm getting a big amount of money on a monthly basis as a scholarship plus sometimes I can do some work too. that means I'm still extremely poor compared to an average person but to me, it's big money and even tho I'm in this situation since like a year, I'm still not sure how to handle it.

the biggest problem is that I have guilty conscience after every Forint/(cent) I spend (Forint is the currency in my country lol). it's not very cool, because I have this feeling even when I'm buying something necessary, like food or train ticket. so there are times when this bad feeling is so strong that I'd rather starve or buy something really-really cheap to eat just because I'm afraid of losing my money. I mean I don't want to eat luxury stuff but for like 6 months I was eating only instant soups and bananas because I was so scared to spend money on expensive stuff (I only ate other stuff when I came home to my family at the weekends).

so that's one problem, the other problem is that sometimes I have this sudden urge or sudden desire to buy something and I can't fight that urge, I just do it. most of the time I buy useful or at least not useless stuff, for example books (I'm literally addicted to buying books) or unique t-shirts with signs or photos. for example I'm listening to XY and I realize that how much I love XY and that I don't have anything related to XY so I go to an online store asap and buy a t-shirt or something, then after I start to feel bad because I spent money on something that's not necessary and overpriced. 

PLUS there are times when I spend my money on TOTALLY USELESS stuff and these times I'm talking about bigger amount of money than for example a price of a t-shirt or a book. for example a month ago I was waiting for my train and I had this sudden idea that I should go see a sex worker, I'm asexual so I KNEW that this isn't gonna end well but I couldn't hold myself back. I rang up a random girl from a site, I went to her apartment, gave her the money and then we started having sex and I realized that no, it's disgusting and it's boring so I stopped. well I knew that this is gonna happen because I tried sex before and I didn't like it so I have no idea why I thought that now I'm gonna enjoy it, and the girl was such a dummy, I tried to talk with her because I had time left and I didn't want to continue having sex but she was like high or idk but couldn't talk straight or anything like that.

another example when I bought a big amount of weed while I knew that smoking weed is more stressful to me than fun because 1. I can't roll 2. I was living in the college dorms so indoor smoking was a no-no 3. walking around in the inner city with a pipe is weird and dangerous (because it's illegal in here and cops are taking weed more seriously than murder cases) 4. weed makes me paranoid and gives me panic attacks 5. I'm allergic to the pollens in weed or something like that so I had the bag in my room and I was constantly sneezing for days and it was unbearable. so I decided that I should get rid of it asap but because suddenly noone had money, I just gave it to one of my acquaintances and she told me she's gonna pay me when she's got the money (=never).

so yeah, what should I do?