I spend most of my life searching for motivation and purpose. Although, I feel like a pathetic waste of space at the end of the day. I don’t know if I want to die, but I wish people would stop perceiving me. Everyone makes me feel alone and that leads to a sense of worthlessness. 

Among my peers, I am the one of the easiest people talk to and have been labeled as the “therapist” where I currently work. I’m inconsequential, unremarkable and passive in every aspect of life. In short, I listen more than I actually speak. I suppose this is my only trait of any perceived value. 

My father would tell me I was slow, disappointing and lacking for most of my childhood, although I realize he was working through his own trauma during this time. My mother turned to drugs (pills were the start) and has an undiagnosed mental disorder (I don’t know where she currently resides, but she is over 50 and sends me unflattering pictures of herself tight clothing in order to obtain validation)

I live in a constant state of fear that I’ve developed my mother’s traits, and currently reside with my father. I’m 28 and going to college. My GPA is high, but I’ve felt as though I’m “going through the motions” for most of my college attendance. 

Most of my friends have gone on to have families and/or followed their dreams to find success and happiness. It’s inspiring to see this, but I can’t help but feel as though I’m viewing the this as I’m sinking into an inescapable abyss I can’t make my way out of. It’s as if the cold, dark waters are closing around me, but all I can do is watch those I care about find safety and comfort with one another.

I hate myself for being this pathetic, directionless disappointment who does nothing but unnecessarily complicate the lives of those around him. I wish I were a ghost that perceived the world around him without directly impacting anyone in his life. An eternal audience member that spent their existence merely watching. I know it sounds silly. 

I’ll probably delete this soon. I just wanted to leave something behind, I suppose. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this post. Know that I see you. I’m sorry that you’re here on this Reddit page. I’m eternally grateful that anyone took the time to read this nonsensical post.