Only recently have I(18F) been researching the symptoms of borderline personality disorder and talking to those that have it. 

When I was 14 I was diagnosed by my pediatrician with mild depression and general anxiety disorder. She was not my therapist she just recognized the symptoms through a comprehensive questionnaire at a regular checkup. Stepmom and dad refused to put me in therapy even when i’d regularly skip class due to anxiety attacks or just not wanting to be around people in general. 

I was put in therapy at the age of 3 by my grandmother because my mother had just abandoned me with my grandmother and my father was deployed in Iraq. I was tossed between grandma and my dad for most of my young life. My dad was my primary caretaker and I expected him to put me first. But, he almost always put his girlfriends before me. Even when he got a new wife, he got into polyamory and forced me to pretend like I was his roommate and not his kid when they brought home women 10 years their junior. 

I struggled connecting with anyone at school. I rarely took care of myself or my appearance. I shut myself off from everyone and turned to the internet. Hyper fixating on boys I deemed as my “favorite.” When they’d hurt me, groom me and leave me my self esteem would tank and i just felt like it was my family and friends abandoning me all over again. Constant irritability, anxiety, emptiness, and depression have crippled my relationships. Even now I lash out at my current boyfriend because I think he’s going to abandon me like everyone else.

And the icing on the cake? Guess who’s all about mental health and therapy now? My step mother. She has now been going 4 times a month for mild anxiety. After telling me for the past year I probably will need therapy, she refuses to take me because she can only afford it for herself and not me.

I’m suffering here.