I’ve been stressed out from about an year since my placements started. I’ve been having this severe anxiety everyday since last year. I couldn’t sleep through the nights, always full of thoughts running in my mind. When I try to close my eyes to sleep, thoughts get racing inside my head. I would cry and stuff myself in my pillow so no one hears me. Sometimes it feels like if I close my eyes, I’m going to die. My heart starts beating so fast, it gets difficult to catch my breath. I wake up, calm myself, walk around for like 30 min, drink a glass of water and then sleep. I get freaked out when I’ve an interview scheduled. I get this feeling of suffocation, breathlessness and my hands go numb. I’ve actually vomited before 2 interviews. I tried to reach out some doctors during this time but I didn’t. Music really helped me. That’s when I found NF. His albums and songs really got me through the lockdown and my depression. Anyhow, I  would overcome these, gather courage and give the interviews. After a few interviews, I cracked an Internship offer. I was so overwhelmed but I couldn’t be happy. Idk why, but I couldn’t feel that happiness inside me. 

Fast Forward to the time, my internship started. This was my very first exposure to the corporate world. My manager was so busy and wouldn’t care about me much. First, I thought it was chill, I could do my work. He wouldn’t assign me any work. I asked him for the first few weeks. Then, he allotted me a project, asked me learn stuff without any proper resources. I tried to learn with whatever stuff I found on the internet. But eventually, he didn’t talk to me for weeks and I didn’t too. I completed the task I was assigned. But, I was afraid of sth. I didn’t even know my myself what I was afraid of. I already completed the task, I was afraid to contact my manager. Maybe I was scared if I wasn’t perfect or my project wouldn’t reach his expectations. Moreover he didn’t give me any resources to study through which would at-least let me know his benchmarks. Weeks became months. I didn’t contact him in 3 months. This anxiety kept on building inside me and I was afraid to call him as it was already 3 months. I would cry some nights thinking what was wrong with me. I would always go to sleep so stressed out about my life. This stress and anxiety built up so much that I began crying and shouting for help in my sleep. I started mumbling and walking around in my sleep. I wouldn’t remember anything when I wake up the next day. My mom used to say that I would shout for help. I was too scared to talk to people, to build up new relationships. Finally gathered courage, I talked to him and submitted the project. But, there was no response from his side. Time passed by and my internship ended without any response.

Now, I’m constantly stressed out about everything in my life. I find it difficult to socialise with people and talk with them. I was kind of this extrovert and a cheerful kid in my middle school. Now, I find it so hard to even talk to my own friends. I’ve this constant urge to isolate myself. I feel like my life is getting out of control. It’s like someone is operating my life with a controller and I’m watching it from down the clouds. Sometimes, it’s like I’m being choked to death with a pillow. Sometimes, I feel my heart racing when I close my eyes. I would beat my chest and say it to slow down. It sometimes feel like I wouldn’t see tomorrow. 

Yesterday, suddenly in the middle of my sleep, I felt so suffocated and it felt hard to breathe, tried to catch some breath. It felt like I was having a heart stroke. My body became numb and I couldn’t move my hands or legs and I felt like it was the end of my life. After 10 mins, I could lift my body up. I was lucky enough that I had my grandma at that time, asked her for a glass of water. Then, I calmed down and happy that I was still alive. This was the first time I experienced this kind of thing and it’s so fucked up. 
I read through some of the reddit posts and immediately understood I experienced a panic attack. 

The place I’m from doesn’t take mental health so seriously. They just ignore it off. 
Any suggestions to overcome anxiety and help me through these attacks in the future are much appreciated. 
Thank You.

This is my first reddit post and I gathered a lot of courage to write this post.