Every time I think I'm starting to get better, I get kicked down on my ass. I'm lucky I'm "high functioning" or a "quiet borderline", but it's pretty sucky feeling like I'm a fucking invalid fake half the time and when things come crashing down, wishing for anything but to be me. Sometimes I feel like to be a real borderline, I need to stop fighting everything so hard and just give in to all the deafening chaos that's in my head. At least I could have that to my name instead of just being.. a pathetic kid way ahead of herself. I'm so artificial it hurts, and I want nothing more than to be *real*, whether it's my coming to terms that I'm just an asshole using bpd as an excuse, or exhibiting enough borderline symptoms that people have no doubt I'm a crazy borderline chick. I mean, just thinking about the mean things I've done... I honestly think I'm just a filthy person, if you can even call me that. 

But then again. Disregard all this. I'm barely an adult. I'm too young to know what I'm talking about, and if I just wait long enough... It'll all be a distant memory, right??