TW: self-harm

Note: I have posted on here quite a few times so hello again

Today started off positive. I got up to clean the house despite feeling a looming sadness. I knew it would be a more challenging mental health day, but I got up anyways and did some deep cleaning. Today I was also supposed to tackle some administrative school work I had been neglecting- it has to be done in less than 50 days and I had all summer to do it. However, randomly after cleaning I felt even worse. I decided to go and try to take a nap to see if that would help, but I ended up just laying in bed, dissociating, and sinking lower.

Due to the decrease in mood, I reached out to my support system. My boyfriend lives in another country and my best friend lives 7.5 hours away, but I talk to them 24/7, so I consider them a part of my support system. I do not live alone also, I live with my Grandparents- they believe in mental illness but are not great at consoling me, which is fine. 

My best friend tried to be there for me the best she could, but her boyfriend’s brother got into a fatal car accident and is on life support so they are in the hospital. Despite this, she was very supportive and did not let me feel bad about talking about my issues today because I felt guilty for complaining when the brother was dying. 

My boyfriend was sweet- he was out with his Dad and his Dad’s friend all day (which is fine) but made an effort to check in on me. This was an incredibly kind gesture that he certainly did not have to do and I am extremely grateful to have a supportive partner. Through out the day, he got more and more tipsy (which is fine- he is not a mean drunk, he is extra lovey, etc). I had been avoiding telling him what my anxiety and extreme sadness was about because he was having fun and I didn’t want to “ruin” the fun or make him feel obligated to pay attention to me. I enjoy having people help but it’s not needed. Eventually after asking me multiple times, I sent a very large text that explained how I felt, only because he asked. It was very thought out and in depth. Even though I trust him, it is still difficult for me to be vulnerable. Around 5 minutes later he texts me “I can’t read this properly atm,” then rambled a few compliments to me before disappearing again. It was upsetting, but I just told myself tomorrow when I am more mentally aware and stable I will confront the situation. My mood was declining even more as the night went on because I felt secluded, scared, and alone. 

Fast forward to ~ 3 hours later, I start going down super fast. The whole depressive episode shabang. We all know what that feels like so I won’t go into details. A recent problem I have been having (recent as in a few times in the last four-five months) is I dissociate during my depressive episodes and then I will legit claw into my own skin, taking mini chunks out with any object I can find. It doesn’t happen often, but it does happen. Considering how stressful my life has been, this depressive episode was bound to happen one way or another unfortunately. I text my best friend of course to look for support (her boundaries are 100% okay with this) and I also text my boyfriend (his boundaries are 100% okay with this). My best friend seems to be asleep and I thought my boyfriend was definitely asleep, but as soon as I told him I was heading into a depressive state, self-harming, and having trouble being alone (not in a suicidal risk way, but in a general ‘I don’t want to be alone’ way), and he replies immediately with “Calm down.” 

He has never done this before or acted this way. Due to my depressive state, I am not responding to his message because whether it is mania or depression, I will get angry and reactive, which are emotions I am feeling right now. I am upset at him on top of the other things that I believe triggered an episode.

Am I wrong for being frustrated and upset? Should I reply? I am hurt deeply because my abusive parents told me to “calm down” everytime I got emotional. The only thing that’s repeating in my head is “Why did he ask if he ‘wasn’t capable of properly reading’” and “Why did he tell me to calm down?” My mind is running to the worst, things like he cheated (he is at home so something on his phone), he is annoyed, etc. My mind always fucks me up like that during episodes. My abandonment issues and panic rile me up, hence me not wanting to reply right away. 

I am just deeply disappointed and angry and hurt because I was vulnerable and expressed an extremely emotion state and I got told to calm down. It doesn’t help that a few days ago he misunderstood something I said and about broke up with me over it. Everything’s a blur and my support system is sleeping. 

I just need advice or someone to talk to or something to prevent me from dissociating again.

I apologize for this being a lot and I hope I do not sound crazy or dramatic. This is the only place I feel like I am surrounded by safe people who understand. 

PSA: If there is any questions please ask, I know it is a lot and I probably missed some information (maybe)