I’m trying to make this short. I had a rough childhood, sexual, verbal and physical abuse. First traumatic event (sexual) happened when I was about 3-4 years old. I don’t remember ever wanting to be happy or anything close to that, always wanted to die but knew it was selfish so didn’t do it. Now to my question I have no desire to have a personal life, no partner, family, friends confuse me. I don’t know why I don’t want it but it makes me sick just pretending to want it. I try to do good w my work because I have many years to live so I wanna do something good. But the moment it’s about me I literally freak and can’t do anything. I don’t how to explain it but I feel like personal me doesn’t exist of course I have a personality but it only is working when I help others in any way. If anything is about me or my actions w others my whole personality is not there. It’s hard to explain and I’m sorry if it’s confusing does anybody know in what realm this could fall? Personality disorder? Just ptsd or more than that? Ofc I will talk to professionals but a guideline would be great. Thank you!