 
The messed up thing is that I realize this is rediculous. We didn't know each other for very long and pretty much from the start he was dismissive and everything could only be initiated on his terms. When we hung out ,and when and how much I could contact him. The only time I could spend time with him was when he invited me to do so but all of my invites went declined.


The few times I questioned him about it he immediately shut it down by gaslighing me, callin me annoying and threatening me with no contact. After a couple weeks of this he started the slow fade by doing really pointless things . It started with text replies a day after i would message then it progressed to inviting me to things, changing the meeting time every  couple hours only to finally cancel at the last minute. 


By that point I felt stuck. I was dammed if I tried to get clarification oh his behavior because he would most likely accuse me of being too clingy/needy and paranoid and I was dammed when I kept my mouth shut because the insecurity I felt about his dismissiveness made me feel so awkward and uncomfortable during the times I was "permitted" to be around him. Being so nervous not knowing what to do reduced me to sounds of affirmation and simple short sentences when we would talk which seemed to bore and annoy him even more. 


I'd go home beating myself up for sounding so stupid and would end up ruminating all night angry and embarrassed with myself and him
He made me feel like shit, and I didn't know how to be or what to say to convince him that I was a person worthy of his time and affections. 



After getting ditched for a third time I took the hint his interest in me had ended so I sent him a text breaking it off. He gives me the ol' it's me not you" line and states that he wasn't looking to start a relationship. I never asked to be his girlfriend as I understood we had just started talking. We had both recently gotten out of longterm relationships. I did enjoy his company and held no expectation that anything like that would happen. 

Since then he will send me random messages and not bother to reply once I've answered. We work in close quarters together which makes things even more difficult. Some days he's cool with me and will be cordial. Others he can't walk away from me fast enough. Even still he's all I think about and it infuriates me to no end. 

He called me annoying again the other night an it took everything in me not to scream and cuss him out in front of our coworkers. I laid in bed unable to sleep. I just lay there seething thinking of all the hurtful shit I could say to him using all of the personal things he's told me as ammunition. I wanted him to feel how he made me feel. I wanted to tell him that the reason he has no friends and is single was due to the fact that he was a piece of shit who should have gone and killed himself last year like he had planned ... 
I scared myself thinking this. The situation really isn't that serious and I wouldn't truly wish that on anyone. I hate when the spliting comes. What I think becomes dark and ugly. It's probably me who will end up alone because of this.