I feel like I should do something, either give up or risk everything I have to walk away from my family. The risk is high, specially where I live in, Mexico. One wrong step and coming out from the streets is nearly impossible and I already went through it once and I didn't manage to go far, instead I had to come back to my grandparents and then when covid-19 hit I had to move back where hell started, with my mother.

I had nothing at the time, no job, no money, no financial support from anyone, didn't finish high-school and my mother used that to her advantage as soon as I began to work again, she knows I can't afford a home so she uses kicking me out as a way to get everything she wants from me, nowadays I get paid a little more but is still not enough to make up for a living and my area is overpopulated, price for apartments are sky high and I can't afford anywhere near my current job so the risk I have is to use my savings to rent another place and find another job that exact same day otherwise I'm done for, also I don't have a car so I can't move my stuff away before she decides to just change the locks and keep my shit for herself like she always does. I have no way to prove anything in the house is my property either.

She sold a piece of land my dad left for me while I was away and because I was 17 at the time I can't do anything about it, with all this debts and damaged things in the house she instead of investing the money and pay the debts she just wasted everything in remodeling the house and my asshole dad decided to keep another part of the money and said he was going to pay it back, I'm 22 now and he hasn't paid a single cent nor he is going to.

I work a lot, been working 12 hours a day, at times even 14, six days a week and yesterday I had to come to work as well at 6am although I left work at 2am that same day. I didn't came back until night with no sleep as usual and today my mother wakes up early as shit because there is a leak in the house. I'm really tired and I can't do anything about it because I don't have the tools nor the money to call someone to fix it right away and so I went back to bed, apparently this pissed her off because she assumed that because I'm awake she can make me clean the house, now I can't sleep because I'm paranoid, she called the cops on me to kick me out and I'm not sure if they will show up or not. Last time she did that to me I wasn't able to leave until a day later and it nearly cost me my job due to "Domestic abuse".

I'm really tired, I need sleep. I have an untreated case of BPD and it's really hard to keep my mind straight specially when in stress, I can't think of anything else. I have thoughts of killing my parents, I've been wanting to for years, I can't stand being around them. They are divorced, I rarely see my dad, honestly he doesn't care about me that much and my mother? Pfft, she just pretends she does.

Yet I can see both of them attending my funeral and saying how good of I son I was, how important I was for them and how much they will miss me just to pretend they weren't the cause of my suicide. I just need to pull the trigger and with some luck I won't have to pull the trigger twice.