I truly am a waste. I don't know what to do with my life. I don't like me. I hate me. I am worthless to everyone. Even you  (sorry to prejudge you, but if you really knew me, you would invest 0 energy/time in me, cause I suck). 

I just spent an hour &amp; and a half in the bathroom trimming my eyebrows, cause the only thing I feel I have is some decent looks. And I get caught up worrying about them all the time. I'm 32. And I feel like I'm.... 9. So I try to appear younger than I am, cause I know inside I'm not 32 at all. And it's humiliating. Even if no one knows all the stuff I do, I still hate that I worry about my looks. I worry about everything though. And even still, I constantly hate them. I can't ever take a selfie cause I hate myself. Ever. But I do know some people have found me attractive, so that's all I have to offer.

Been working the same part time job for the last 3 years. And everyone there hates me, but every workplace would. And I need some money. Since I was about 16... I have bounced back and fourth from moderate depression to severe depression. Or both at the same time (double depression). My attempts to get help for BPD/depression (from treatment center or counselors) has been met with some bad reactions and it causes me too much anxiety to try and trust anyone like that. I can't afford it right now anyways. I'm a failure. I worked so hard when I was younger cause I had dreams. But man did I fail miserably. My brain is slow... I can work 9+ hours a day on things and still not understand it. And no one has patience to work with someone like that. So I am alone. I'm used to it. I just hope my life or the world ends tonight cause I deserve it.

My family pretends they care but probably would be relieved if I was dead. I never hear from anyone but my dad. I can't stop wishing I'd just die. 

I have no point to this post. I guess it helps to say it "out loud" cause I'm so sick of talking to myself about it all day. I don't know what else to think or do. Life is too hard for me to handle for another 32 years. For me it is anyway. And I'm just wasting space here.