I panicked when I thought she was going to leave me. She was so upset. There's a lot that's been going on in my life and I just wasn't in a good place. I was losing my head. I picked up all of my meds and swallowed them. Then I tried to get her to lay down with me for one last time. Isn't that fucked? Im so fucked. Her brother called 911. They wouldn't let me leave the apartment, I just wanted to die. I didn't want to go to the hospital so they arrested me. I didn't want to get admitted so I was lying to everyone about my overdose. My gf texts me while Im there. Says, she has to break up with me because I scared her. I left the hospital against medical advice high as fuck on morphine (I dont know why I was given so much) Im puking all over myself, stumbling around, trying to figure where Im going to go becuase I was living with her and keep ending up homeless again. I went back to a different hospital and got treated eventually and told the fuckin truth. Now she's my friend.

I've never been able to be just friends with someone I love, how am I supposed to start now? When I try it hurts too much, because they always say they still love me, but they don't. they can't. not if they leave me... or stop wanting me... im having such a hard time.

I'm supposed to be focusing on recovery, but I feel like it's impossible to do. I feel more alone than I did before. I'm no good, at least I can accept that much. 

I honestly can't even be mad she broke up with me, though. It really must've been scary af. I don't ever think about how my actions will affect other people because Im always convinced they don't care anyway and if Im dead it wouldn't matter. 

I want to move forward, I've got my job, at least. A friend in another state that can probably help me get housing out there. I just need enough for a plane ticket and some basics to survive until I can find a job there.

I just hate that this is what's it come to. 
Why do I do the things I do?
Why am I like this?
Why am I so unwanted?
Why am I so unloveable?
Why, why, why, why

They didn't admit me bc they trust I won't harm myself. I really don't know if I can keep that side of the deal. But I'm going to give it everything I've got 