TW:  Impulsivity, Suicide/Suicidal ideation, Self Harm , Abuse/Assault/Harassment(Sexual,emotional,physical), Violence,Death, drugs, Family issues, Sex, Abandonment, Body/Self image, FP(favourite person) issues, Relationship issues, Trauma, Medication, Alcohol 

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Hi all, the person I was dating for several weeks ended things last night. 
I have posted previously about me ending things with him fairly early on because he was intense, I wasn’t used to it, I was overwhelmed and ran away. 
I thought a lot on it and asked to try again. He said his history is full of these rejections and pain, stemming from his childhood and all throughout his life people have treat him horribly in many ways. From physical abuse and mental abuse in his family to being homeless and on drugs and having no one. He has built a life for himself now, has had two long term relationships that both ended with them saying they’re not attracted to him any more / don’t love him. 
So my rejection of him early on really cut him deep. 
He asked for space, which is something I find extremely difficult to say the least. For two weeks I tried to keep myself together but failed miserably. Sent him long messages, voice notes crying, basically desperately trying to cling on to “fixing” things. 
From past experience I know this doesn’t work, I know it pushes people away. But I’ve been paralysed by the fear of losing him. After I’d initially tried to walk away I realised that I was sabotaging something that could be amazing. And once I changed my mind back there was nothing else I wanted more, nothing else on my mind at all. Obsessing and having my day dictated by how things were with him. 

Last Sunday I’d not seen him for 2 weeks and I decided to go see him at work when his shift was almost over cause i knew he’d be alone and if he didn’t want to talk to me he would be leaving soon anyway. He had really closed himself off from me and pulled away and it was killing me. 
I dressed up nice and went in there and we chatted and laughed and I told him how sorry I was and how much I’d missed him. He asked me to go for a drink so we did snd then he asked me back to his. I was elated. I hadn’t asked to stay with him or anything. We were intimate, it was amazing, I felt like it was going to be okay. We chatted all night until we fell asleep. 

Then the last week he’s gone distant again. As if Sunday never happened. He did tell me again on the Sunday that he continued to need time to get his head around things. 
He’s had a lot on his plate recently too with changing jobs and the pressure of holding down the fort with no staff because of covid. He’s working and keeping busy because that’s how he deals with stress and pain. Seeing friends and stuff. 

I tried to make plans with him as I knew having a future date of when I’d see him would help me stay calm. But he said he was busy all these days ahead. 
I’ve been in limbo, making myself unwell with stress, none stop crying, not looking after myself. It’s taken over my entire being trying to make up for leaving him and trying to keep things going. I know I didn’t respect his need for space. It felt impossible for me. 

So Friday he text me that an old friend died by suicide. He said they weren’t that close he wasn’t upset but he was sad. 
A girl I knew recently lost her life to suicide, I’m struggling with those thoughts every day myself, and I didn’t know how to respond. I didn’t text him back until the next afternoon (yesterday) and I said “who would blame him”. 
He was absolutely furious at this. Instantly blocked me on socials and was kicking off at me like how could I say that. 
He also has a history of past suicide attempts and has lost a lot of friends over the years to it. 
I know I shouldn’t have said that but it came from a place of pain. Almost a cry for help. Because I feel like that too. 

My initial response was to get in my car and drive to him. So I went to his house snd text that I was there and he came home from work and let me in to chat. 
He was absolutely brutal. He was so so angry. He said he’d been crying all the previous night and at work about his friend. Even though he told me he was just sad they were clearly a lot closer in the past than he’d made out and he was extremely upset about it. I felt terrible. I feel terrible. 

He said he needed consistency and stability in a relationship but also asked for space. So I felt those things contradict one another. I also said I needed consistency and stability and didn’t have that either, but it was because of what I’d done that he couldn’t give me that any more. 
He said I am selfish, I made it about myself, I didn’t respect what he asked for. 
When things like this happen I do think that I am being punished. Like the space thing is punishment and I have to suffer in that time frame, and it kills me. I never mean to play the victim or manipulate anyone because my pain is so real so genuine and all consuming. 

He said repeatedly that this is done, book closed, it’s dead in the water. Nothing to build on and no future to be had. I’m devastated. And once again I carry the same wounds forward that lead to these scars that make me act the same way over and over. 

Am I a dick for thinking that I should have been treat with more understanding and empathy? All I wanted was to help him. I have apologised profusely for my reply about his friend, and for other things that have hurt him. 
I feel like I’ve been scolded by a parent or something. Like I’ve done so much wrong everything is my fault and I’d do anything to make him see and make it better 

Please if anyone has read this I would appreciate some perspective I feel like I’m drowning in my thoughts