Just for context, I struggle with basic necessities. I used to live a good life, it wasn't the best but I wasn't wanting for nutritious food, air conditioning and things like electricity or water or gas to cook. Now I have moved, it is terrible. I have been trying to get used to things, it has been over an year.

I don't get along with a lot of people here because the culture is entirely different. I stick out like a sore thumb. I don't have exactly the best relationship with my parents. I lack the freedom to even go out for an evening walk or wear clothes I like.

Yesterday I was terribly sick because there was a heat wave..and as usual there is nothing to help. Frequent power outages. Coupled with lack of water. I work full time and another job on the weekends. 

I got into a good university program but since my paperwork is at a standstill although I am trying hard to make things work . I am worried about my dwindling finances.

 I have a bf who I love to bits but he is more or less absent in my life as he is struggling with his own issues which are far more dire than mine . He has chronic depression and is struggling with suicidal thoughts. I am extremely worried about him. It is like everything is crashing down on me..and I am helpless. I sometimes get these dark thoughts. 

That if I weren't alive I wouldn't have to go through so much anguish and pain. Hell I have even googled cyanide poisoning once..I never told him...because I don't want to add to his burden. I keep bothering him to spend together..it sounds so selfish..and I hate myself for being needy. 

I visited a psychiatrist she prescribed me a few meds, at first it felt it was working. I was a bit better but now its like it isn't effective anymore. I am almost out of meds but have no time to get it refilled because of my work. 

People say I should be grateful that I have a job and a roof over my head. Maybe I am ungrateful. I have gotten bad to the extent that I am neglecting my pet cat... I am a horrible person. Yesterday I couldn't stop thinking how am I unworthy of love and trying to figure out how to navigate through this horrible existence.

I am so tired of everything..I wish I didn't exist. Now I just want to isolate myself and disappear.