So I was recently diagnosed (about a month or two ago) and despite this I always feel like a fraud, a liar, a manipulative piece of shit who scammed my way into this diagnosis. 

This feeling is at its worst when I’m feeling “stable” or just empty, and tends to go away when I have an episode. I can only recognize and feel valid in how truly fucked up things are when I’m freaking out over something. 

Even then I internalize my emotions the vast majority of the time so it’s hard to tell if my internal episodes live up to the rare ones that become externalized. Are my internal freakouts even real? How can I feel valid about my emotions when I’m not even sure if they’re real unless I see physical evidence of it? (like self harm, breaking things, etc.) What if I’m just being manipulative and I can’t even realize it?