Hi. First and last post probably. 

My name is Louis Tremblay, barely 18 years old, from Canada, mother's tongue is french.

I wanna share my story of yesterday, which traumatised me, like real bad.

Things to know before : 

- in the past i have abused several substances (marinuana, magic mushrooms, nicotine, cocaine, MDMA, PCP) + prescribed ADHD medication)

- while i haven't been diagnosed with anything since i never really consulted, i have been depressed several times before and had severes anxiety/stress symptoms in the past.

- Don't talk about what i should do with my friends i'll deal with it later. Thank you.

- i have procrastination issues but im still trying to be fonctional in life, i attempt a school where i only do french because that what i need for my diploma, i also have a job which pays me 20$ an hour

- lastly, just pointing out, what's hapenning in my head is so messed up, it scares me, i feel like people may find me crazy, and it scares the shit out of me, but i really hope someday i'll be relapsed and sucesfull in life.


Now for the story :

Yesterday, i smoked with my friends. I usually regulate the size of my weed bowls (on bong) since i have a past of hallucinating but this time one of my friends did it and he didn't tell me he put a lots of THC in it. 
While i wasn't feeling super good before the session, i wasn't feeling bad neither (idk if it affected).

After my weed puff, it went right in my head (THC concentrated hits harder on the head, idk how to explain it). At that time i was feeling very high but still alright.

It's later 20 minutes later that i entered in a SERIOUS psychosis states, really STRONG hallucinations. While i had NO auditary hallucinations (which reassure me) i had hallucinations that were fucking strong, they were equivalent to my PCP high and PSYCHOSIS. Eyes open or eyes closed didn't matter, i would see brightbflashing colors, forms that would flash in and out of my mind, everything was messed up, i was shaking to death my heart was beating fast and i was hallucinating multiple things that ressembled my PCP psychosis. 

Now if we talk about my mental state at this time, that when it get really fucked up, i suddenly got SEVERELY depressed, i wanted to DIE so BADLY, i remember breaking down 2 times with my friends saying i wanted to die badly, i was getting in and out of the house. Very STRONG urge to KILL MYSELF. I almost called the POLICE on myself, my toughts were not coherent, they asked me to describe how i was feeling. I just couldn't, all i could say was that i wanted to die, it was really bad, everything i would say didn't make sense. I was REALLY scared of my OWN THOUGHTS.

I have been this close to killing myself before, twice on PCP ive almost killed myself, which left me with a trauma (that i never told anyone except my friends). These are the scariest of the scariest and i wasn't myself, deep down in a psychosis state i was disconnected of the world. 


Now, this morning i woke up, didn't understand what was hapenning, i needed to go to work, i think i was still a little high, my psychosis wasn't entirely gone but i still had some hallucinations symptoms, while driving to my job i had a panick attack, pulled myself on the side of the road to rationnalise what was hapenning. It went away and i went back to driving toward my job. Now, this is the present, it's 4 pm, my symptoms are gone, im really traumatised but at least i know im okay in my head right now.

 This was one of the worst high in my life and im genually scared i may have schizophrenia hiden inside me waiting to be awaken.

Support, advices, anything will help, don't go on shaming me for drug usage this really won't help the current situation, im already considering stopping it entirely. Thank you...