This is going to be a long post and I don't plan on including a TL;DR as I don't feel it's appropriate.

I've been offered cognitive analytic therapy (CAT) by the local NHS services. However, in order for me to actually start the therapy, I've been told I must stop smoking weed completely (the exact word they used was "Abstain"). 

This is a problem for me as I use weed to help deal with overwhelming emotions - in particular, anger. It also annoys me because I've been requesting therapy since 2008.

To give a bit of history.

In 2008 I first requested therapy and was given five weeks of CBT - two sessions were canceled by me and one by the therapist, which amounted to two sessions of CBT. The therapy itself did not seem to be suitable and the two sessions definitely did not seem useful to me.

I was then refered for an assessment by the forensic team who concluded their services would not be useful to me (at the time I was distraught as I really liked the woman I had been assessed by). 

I was then told to wait until they found something more suitable.

In 2009 (TW!) I was raped in my own bed after accidentally leaving my keys in the front door. After it happened, and when it was safe to, I immediately called the police and reported what had happened (something I highly regret doing now). 

Following what happened, my dad (whom I've never had a good relationship with) started demanding I go to rape counseling despite me saying I did not feel ready to talk about what happened. He kept having a go at me, accusing me of not caring about what had happened and of wanting to be traumatised. At that time I had temporarily moved back into my parents home after being kicked out in 2005. 

My dad's behaviour and demands became more abusive (physically and emotionally) when it went to trial in 2011 and then again (for a retrial) in 2012. In 2010 I had moved into a new flat  and was no longer staying with my parents but still saw them regularly.

Shortly after the retrial, I got into a physical altercation with my dad and was arrested. This lead to me being cut off from both of my parents completely. 

My parents were one of my main sources of support - my mum, especially. My relationship with mum has never been too bad (it has been great when my dad wasn't involved) but unfortunately she is in a co-dependent relationship with my dad and whatever he decides goes.

I wasn't able to have contact with my parents for almost two years (I didn't have contact with my mum until 2014!). Since then my parents have cut me off again following the deaths of my grandparents and an incident in which my dad beat me in front of my mum leaving me with several bruises, including a black eye and a large gash on my knee.

During this time I was still requesting therapy and had been transferred to the local NHS personality disorder services (this was around 2010/11, I can't quite remember). I was told that I had been put on waiting lists for therapy (ones with an average wait of two years!). 

Eventually, at the beginning of 2014, I was given a start date for group mentalisation based therapy (MBT). In the past I had been apprehensive about group therapy, but was desperate to try anything by this point. However, after just one session, I received a call telling me to not attend anymore but to come for an assessment where they diagnosed me with NPD (along with my existing BPD diagnosis) and tole me MBT was not suitable for me.

I discussed this with my team and they told me I would be put on a witing list for CAT. I was angry because I had been told way back in 2012 that I'd been placed on their waiting list (which has a two year wait). I spent months writing emails to all the relevant abodies regarding being placed on a two-year waiting list after having already waited that long for this therapy. Fortunately my persistence appeared to pay off as I was offered an assessment earlier this year. It was at this assessment I was told I would have to "Abstain" from smoking weed.

I have been more than frustrated at this request for a few reasons. 

One of the main reasons I want therapy is so that I can find healthy ways to deal with overwhelming emotions (such as anger). Weed largely helps to control my anger. I have also been working through a DBT workbook, which *has* helped (particularly in dealing with other overwhelming emotions that *aren't* anger) but is less helpful when anger is the overwhelming emotion.

Another reason this frustrates me is because when I first requested therapy (back in 2008) I was going "clean". Before 2008 (from 2005) I was in a highly abusive situation having been kicked out of parent's home and groomed by a pedophile, who was also a drug dealer, and as a result was smoking crack and meth regularly. After two years I managed to get away from this person's abuse (sexual, physical and emotional) and went cold turkey.

I didn't start smoking weed again until 2010 (smoked as a teenager until I started getting paranid when high). Since then I have been using weed to cope with the anger these experiences (along with a great number of other experiences not mentioned in this post) have left me with.

I really want to start therapy but anytime I try to stop smoking weed, along with withdrawal, I get extremely angry. I'll find myself smashing things around in my flat, having full-blown arguments with myself, self-harming, sobbing uncontrollably, and wanting to constantly sleep (despite this being near-impossible during withdrawal).

It frustrates me that I've had to wait so long to be offered something suitable. 

It angers me that I've had to jump through many hoops in order to get therapy (one of the prerequisites for the group MBT was attending group sessions for those with PDs which I attended for a couple of sessions before stopping as I found them too depressing and would not say anything during the sessions).

I don't know what to do about my drug use. I don't know how I can abstain from smoking weed when I've been using drugs from a young age to cope with life and overwhelming emotions. 

It feels hopeless. I don't know what to do.