I don’t know what to do with my life anymore. I have literally nothing. It’s my last year of school, and I barely have any classes, so I don’t have friends. I alienated myself from everybody in my life due to my self destructive tendencies. The worst part is I am not aware of what I did wrong, because in my eyes, nothing I have said is wrong. No matter how high I get my anti depressants, the only time I can say they helped is when I overdosed on them by taking about half a bottle, so at least 10k+ MGs. I can’t openly tell my psychiatrist that none of my medicine is helping internally because my problems are all internal due to my tendency to repress anything I’m actually feeling. In all honesty, I say I feel nothing, but maybe I feel so much that my body is just numb. The only time I truly feel anything is when I cut myself, and that release is brief and empty. At this point, the only and sole reason Im alive is because I have my dog. But realistically, that is only going to buy another 9~ years of time, and at that point if I haven’t already killed myself, I guarantee I will kill myself when we have to put her down. It won’t matter how good things are, I will guarantee relapse into the state of being I am in now. Everything is terrible. Everything is god awful. And when you try and tell someone about what you actually are feeling, they invalidate what you say, because you don’t appear that way. For some reason, people don’t realize the whole point of “mental illness” is that it’s generally mental. I honestly can’t live like this anymore. I think this will be my last post, because the main reason behind these are looking for some sort of validation on why I should live. But maybe the answer is that there is and will never be a reason to live, and seeking any form of help is bullshit. 
If this is my last post...
My name is Jay, and I hope that nobody born after me has to deal with this in the future, even though realistically... They will have to. Someone will.