i’ve had a lot of FP’s throughout my life: typically i have to always have one or else i disappear into a depressive abyss until one finally comes around. not all my FP’s turn into relationships, but when they do, it comes naturally to me to embrace that relationship with my life. it makes sense for me to maintain as much contact as possible and remain closely connected, because what is a relationship is not a connecting bond that joins two people into one? my partner is my main priority and occupation.

recently, however, my current partner has moved abroad so we don’t live in the same country anymore. he can’t give me much or his time or attention as he’s busy with his studies, and he can’t visit me as much as i need him to. this has been incredibly hard for me and i have been falling back into bad habits, fighting depression, severe SH and sewerslidal urges, complete loss of identity. i don’t want to go out anymore, i’ve forgotten what i used to enjoy. i hardly ever shower or eat. the way i see it, my life now is about waiting for my partner to come back. i spend every day talking about this and beg him to come back and live with me again. i know that this is probably a lot of pressure on him, and last night he expressed himself.

he told me that he was exhausted of the same conversation, and rightfully so. he said that to make our relationship easier i need to work on myself and become healthier because the only thing that is bringing us down is my ‘mentality’. this doesn’t make sense to me because the issue is clearly that we are not connected enough anymore. i feel his absence every day and it’s beginning to feel like he is fading away from my memory. this is what is driving me mad. if i somehow become healthy and spend time on my own social life doing things that i enjoy, i won’t have time to speak with him on the phone as his only free time is after he eats lunch or the hours after midnight when he’s not studying. how would that solve anything? that will only drive us further apart. it’s almost like he wants to get rid of me.

i told him this, and he responded by saying something that i have already heard from my ex. i treat him like a drug, like i am addicted to and completely dependent on the relationship. he added that my expectations or standards of love are impossible and can’t be met by him or by anyone else in the world. it might be the worst thing anyone has ever said to me. am i really that dysfunctional that nobody, not even him, could love me fully and wholly, like i do them? it comes so naturally to me to let my love take complete control of me and my life, so why can’t it do the same for them? why am i so hard to love?