Long story short, I was having issues at home with my family. My boyfriend was over at the time (he’s staying with us) and decided to leave without saying anything. I messaged him after he left saying that I never wanted him to come back and that I packed his stuff for him and then blocked him everywhere. I thought he was going to break up with me and freaked out big time. I self-harmed pretty bad and wrote him a letter in my blood. I felt like I was on autopilot because I was so angry. It was mean to block him but at the same time it stopped me from lashing out more than I already did. I end up texting him again apologizing for overreacting, he doesn’t reply, and then I message him saying that I wanted to kill myself. I feel like that was a line I would never cross because I know it’s so toxic/abusive/manipulative/impulsive and I still ended up doing it. I was so distressed and that’s how I really felt at the time. That’s not an excuse of course, only an explanation. He texted me back, came over, and later told me that he left because he thought that I just needed space in the midst of family drama. I still don’t know if he’s lying just to stop my chaos or not. I’m so afraid that he feels manipulated to stay since I said I wanted to kill myself. I regret it so much and he doesn’t deserve to be on the receiving end of my episodes. In the moment, I really meant it but I don’t feel that way at all anymore. I cut myself up pretty bad and carved his name into my arm. I always think I have it all together until I feel abandoned and then I just shut down and can’t think rationally at all. My episodes are around every other month on average and I’m on medication. On a day to day basis I can still be moody and sometimes snappy but I can still think rationally. Once I realize that he could leave, whether it’s in my head or in reality, all rationality and logic goes out the window within seconds and I feel out of it. He should break up with me for threatening suicide but I am actually worried that I would actually do it if he were to go. I don’t want to die. I have so much good going for me with college, getting my license, good relationships with friends, etc. But the pain of being alone seems too impossible. I guess I would like to hear if anyone else has threatened suicide and how they stopped using that “”””coping”””” skill in order to improve their relationships. What do you do when you feel suicidal after a real case of abandonment/the end of a relationship? Does anyone else feel like they are on autopilot once the distress is too much to tolerate? Am I an awful person?