I mean, I want to be good and get all As, learn well and all, but I don't WANT to be here currently. The best effort I can muster is turning in an assignment day-of. It's literally impossible for me to do anything else.  I worked for a spell, and got fired because of co-worker drama against me for seemingly no reason. Now I just don't care to even apply for jobs anymore. I could get one eventually, but especially since wages have been so stagnant for so long, there is just literally no point. I despise the work culture of **any** country. There is an idea that you **have** to work to be something in this world, despite never once even having a fucking choice in being born.

I literally just watch Impractical Jokers and play 3 different video games of the 59 I have installed on PC alone. Meds suck and just make me feel neutral at best, haven't had any therapy in a long time, even when I was inpatient, there was NO therapy sessions at all. I'm "working my way up to" therapy, I guess. I had really bad experiences being forced into it as a child as my parents were getting divorced, and I still have issues with relaying how bad specifically things are. I always second-guess myself and claim it's a little under what I actually feel like. 

I could feel better exercising and getting in a routine, and hanging out with people, and blah blah blah, it's all impossible, man. I feel so horrendously drained, even when I wasn't in the habit of sleeping 3-4 hours a night the past month. It's literally not possible with how it is to improve things in a way that will start a reaction for other improvements to continue. I'm deadlocked in feeling tired, failing in school, which worsens my depression and feelings of capabilities, being severely isolated for months/years at a time, being physically inactive, the works. Being honest here, I genuinely do not see a way out anywhere.

I don't want to die or anything, (although I do have intrusive thoughts of that, too). There's just not much I can really do anymore. Things have gotten so bad. There's always this assumption in posts and meetings and therapies that things get better and all, but Jesus fucking Christ, for me, no, they literally never do. There isn't a way they **can.** I will literally die before I get into an exercise routine, or fall asleep at a reasonable hour EVERY night, or keep a friend for more than a few years before drifting apart/falling apart angrily, etc.

Oh well lmao. Therapists do jack shit besides offer a sympathetic ear, which I understand. I have literally no friends in real life that I can talk to or simply hang around with, I can't handle even 1 fucking class out of the 3 more that will start soon, etc. Also, I had a bit of a break, and spent literally every penny I had, leaving myself in a (currently unsurmountable) amount of debt, bringing my former 700+ credit score to the low 400s or some shit like that. Poggers, I guess. I'll pay that off right after I get my life together for the first ever time, ammiright?

Thank you for listening. Any advice you give isn't going to improve anything, none of the other suggestions ever have. But I appreciate it if you read through. Have a good day.