It’s that time of the month again. Break downs!!! my nightly cryfest in bed because im feeling incompetent with my first job. Why am I thinking of dying once again……. it feels so easy compared to working for the betterment of myself. I wish i have the luxury of living without this feeling. This dark feeling of being sad and ridiculing myself. I’m tired of judging myself. I’m tired of the guilt and financial debt I owe to people who helped me before. They keep pressuring me to take a master’s too. My anxiety and sadness is crippling me as I notice my memory lapse worsen. I have to always take notes or read things to be able to remember something. It has been harder since I need to prepare for work. I’m afraid that I will suck once remote work is over. I just wanted to stay for a year here and save money to go abroad. It seems I get excited when I think of traveling and working somewhere else. The family compared me again…(“”my job is also tiring but i still love it. Why cant you?””) I dont know anymore. I’m too embarrassed to actually unalive……. I still cling on my small hope of talking to a professional. But the bad thought is bigger tonight. Can I really be alive and okay until my 30s??????