I was reading about a public figure, and ended up seeing this article from 2014 where she was described as a 20 year old. I thought for a moment “Wow, to think that she’s only two years away from 30 now.” Then I realized that we are almost the same age as I turned 26 at the end of last year. I started to cry and now I can’t sleep. 

I know everyone says life is short, but I didn’t realized it could be short. I didn’t felt the last 5 years passing, what I think happened two years ago is from 5 years ago. Doesn’t help I have up on life and did nothing all these years, just hid at home, going to bed late and waking up at noon. Since last year I managed to get even worst, and these days I’m almost always finally sleeping at 5 or 6am, after hours of watching mind numbing videos. If I don’t I just lie in bed with my thoughts and can’t sleep anyway.

Now my youth is gone, and the problem is not just turning 30, it’s that it doesn’t stop. I’ll blink and I’ll be 30, another blink and I’m 40. I just want to go back so badly, I’ve been dealing with these feelings for over 10 years so its not like I was happy back then, but I would do anything to go back. At least everyone that mattered to me was alive, I still had hair and looked young and fresh. Now I am ugly, I look and feel so old. Yet mentally I am the same 15 year old waiting for my life to start, only now I no longer have any hope.

I can’t take it anymore, can this stop please? I don’t want to do this anymore, it’s not fair.