I had a good week, the first one for months but then last night everything was too much and I felt bad. Not so bad like often before but the contrast felt stronger. I had suicide thoughts. I had suicide thoughts often before and also thought about how to kill myself in detail. Even tried to buy medication for it. But never really attempted. I sometimes tried to cut my veins but the knives I had were not sharp enough and it hurt too much.


But last night I cut a few millimeters into a vein in my arm with a razor blade. I was suicidal but felt better when I was at the point of cutting. So I just tested for next time. It didn’t hurt that much and was easier. I was surprised how much it bled.

Should I tell my therapist? I don’t want him to call police or an ambulance if he thinks I am still suicidal. Well I am but I don’t think going to a hospital will change it. I feel better right now but I know there will be times I feel shit and I now have a new option I didn’t know I had before.