I drank coffee an hour ago and now I'm having a panic, coupled by my original panic attack right now it hurts. It feels like getting dumped after loving someone for so long. That deep pit in your chest that pulls yourself in. I couldn't even panic visibly. Crying, sobbing, hurting myself a bit...

My family is currently in the house so I'd only get to actually scream my emotions out later at night. It's usually also how i acted in the past.

It's so lonely and depressing how i see myself now. I used to be around my long time friends and  now it's just me. I also keep fantasizing things i want to happen to me. Mostly about being in control. Being able to do or be someone else. Having a girlfriend who'd just be good friends with me or something would also be fine. Then goes my bisexual brain and imagine myself being the girl in the relationship. Ahhhhh! 

When i was younger, i used to think i might be gay but then i grew up and realized I'm actually quite straight. Then time passed and i also realized i actually like the idea of being a girl. But it really isn't my problem, the gender stuff isn't the real problem. Its the anxiety i get from almost everything. Talking to someone immediately makes my knuckles numb and i start feeling cold. When i used to go to school, I'd even choke up and feel like vomitting. The therapist i used to see made assuptions that my sexuality might have added to my depression but it really didn't. 

I was just all around anxious about a lot of things. My mind is already at the point where I've given up for a future and make myself better. Make myself less lonely and sad. But i say those and yet i still excersie every night because i feel unhealthy or that I'm getting fat. Or the fact i still read books because i feel like I'm getting dumber or that i still eat healthy foods and less sugar when i told myself I'd eat ice cream everyday when i decide to die. 

My life couldn't also get any better when everyone else i know are doing well. My highschool classmates are in college right now and enjoying what they can. They have no problem with talking or anything. I envy them. I'm fucking vain about a lot. I'm jealous and hurt of it even when i know i shouldn't affirm myself by looking at them or that one of them should be on my level. 

It's all fucking going down hill now. My parents get older by the day and i couldn't do anything to properly help them in our finance. I'm out of school and I'm not getting a degree to help them. 

My friends still message me from time to time but i ghosted them like two year already and i feel guilty, so much so that i couldn't message back anymore.