I’ve attempted to make post in this and other ones as well, always deleting them right after. But I’m at the point where I feel like reaching out to strangers who understand what I’m going through might help me, even if it’s slight. Even if I get embarrassed and want to delete my post right after I make it. Not today. 

I feel ive been doing okay. I stay busy and preoccupied as much as I can and I feel a little bit “normal.” But being paranoid has always been a persistent, agonizing part of my life. It comes in waves, especially when I’m very down or I’m very up. Which there’s really never a middle so that’s pretty much always. Medication has helped some but I don’t feel the lamictal and  seroquel are really my right cocktail. 

I’m making myself seem like a total head case (which I am I guess) to the people closest to me because I’m pretty much convinced they’re tired of me and finding ways to get rid of me. That nothing they say is real. I’ve gotten a second job and I’m new here and feel everyone already hates me, that anytime they whisper or laugh it HAS to be about me. I feel nothing around me is real or what it’s made out to be. I try to combat it with logic and coping mechanism my therapist has suggested but it still bleeds into everything I do. Sometimes I wonder if I’m not even bi polar, if there’s a totally different diagnosis. I’m suffering, even if I’m doing all the right things. My mind won’t let me be, and I don’t know what to do anymore.