i have spent the past 6 months preparing for this national level exam. the thing is, most people need 2 years to study. plus i lost a month and a half from getting covid and the subsequent depressive episode that lasted a month. i started having fantasies of my parents beating me up or choking me, because then the score would be settled? im a disappointment but they abused me so we'd be even? i dont know why. they dont even care about this exam. they specifically told me not to get too worked up about it when the time comes. but i feel like they'd be happier if i was a smarter person.

last month i was finally able to start studying again, consistently. it was really hard and i was tired for no reason all the time. the thing is, because i have 6 months, even though im studying a lot, it's not enough. it might be enough if i had the brain of stephen hawking but . its not. so  im studying knowing i probably wont get in, and that my efforts as such are worthless. but whatever ive learned to cope.

yesterday i had a bad class. it really shook my confidence and i felt like i did back when i was in january. fantasizing about slitting my wrists. i dont know why im so dramatic. i feel so attention-seeking. nobody i know even cares about this exam. i feel so numb ive also stopped caring. i just wanted to prove that i can do it; that i am smart, i am hard working, i am just as good as anyone else. i feel like i wont get to prove myself wrong. ill be a loser, just like my mind always envisioned me as.

im so tired. i honestly wish that a truck would hit me after the exam is over so i dont have to wait for my results. a truck hitting me right now would work too. i feel like im imprisoned. or in hell.

the other day, after my friend saw that i only slept two hours in order to finish my material for the day, he said id die if i kept going like i was. he meant to motivate me to take care of myself but it had the opposite effect. i feel practically giddy at the thought. if i died from overwork i would be forgiven for all of my sins. it would mean that i tried my absolute best. nobody could fault me then.

there's more but yeah. thank you if you read all of that