For the last couple of months I have been having very intrusive thoughts about death. Specifically this reality: that every person in my life will either be informed about my death, or I will be informed of each of theirs. One way or another. 
It pops into my head several times a day and as I’m looking at/talking to people. I try to push it all away but the thoughts keep coming back. 

I’m currently in therapy but haven’t shared this. I’ve had ideations in the past, but am not at risk for following through or developing a plan. Most days I wake up slightly panicked at my age (late 20s) and feeling like I’m spinning my wheels in my life—unhappy, haven’t reached many goals, struggling financially. I have zero identity. 

Sometimes things just don’t feel real to me. Like time and the fact I’m a person at all. 

I’m not sure how relevant it is, but I have a pretty manipulative partner and recently experienced a lot of gaslighting behaviors. It makes it so hard to feel like things are real and I can’t trust my perceptions. I almost recorded our last argument so I could listen to it and analyze, but I didn’t since I knew I’d ruminate over it for weeks. 

I’m not sure what I’m asking for with sharing all of this. I just feel I’ve done something to cause all of these feelings and I don’t want to keep getting preoccupied with my inevitable death.