In short, my life has been extremely stressful and sad. I became very cynical over the years due to several negative events that happened and I’ve now learnt that I have ADHD, a year after I left university and returned to try and finish the same course, having to complete the year I missed.

My life is a mess, always has been. I panic very easily, have low self esteem and feel trapped most of the time. I am extremely self critical. To give context I’m at one of the best universities in the world for my subject which is a qualitative one, and I feel like a failure despite getting good marks. I feel terrible all the time and am now paralysed over the thought of exams coming up. I have to pass this year otherwise I get kicked out. 

I’ve done all the work properly this year, haven’t skipped anything and made sure everything was done in time. But I feel like I’ve messed up somehow and it will manifest unexpectedly and potentially kill me. I’ve reached a point where everything feels dead or dying. It’s nowhere near as bad as last year when I was constantly thinking about death and contemplating.

I managed to get to where I am by compensating in massive ways. I have now excluded everything in my life that isn’t directly beneficial to uni work. I don’t eat, sleep, have friends or attempt to make any. I don’t feel the need but constantly feel like crap.

Is this what my life will be like? The amount of memory damage I’ve sustained from last year has been a huge hinderance this year. I wish I could go back and receive help with what I now know to be ADHD. My naive younger self used to think  my inattention spans, forgetfulness and disorganisation was down to something I’d be told about on a CT scan in a surgery.

I’ve been called lazy, careless, inattentive, inconsistent and unreliable my whole life and feel like absolute crap because of it. I now fear the damage is irreparable. I still interact with people and they can’t tell I’m severely depressed unless I tell them. Although I avoid that at all costs because I don’t want to be a burden. I have to pass this year otherwise depression may actually kill me. I’m not talking about suicide, if I lose the one thing I have going for me in my life I may aswell be dead. Does anybody have any thoughts or suggestions?