None of this ever gets easier. Nothing helps, doesn’t matter what the fuck I do. I’m trapped in an endless fucking cycle of constant suffering. Right now I’m sitting here typing this sitting on the weights bench in my basement because I can even get my arms to reach down and pick up the weights. I’m just hunched over with my head hanging down doing nothing like a fucking Idiot, just cycling between gritting my teeth to try not to cry and just feeling completely empty. 

This always fucking happens, I’ve been here so many times but the cycle never ends. I don’t even get good days, just kinda shitty days and really shitty days. It’s never better. Nothing makes a difference. Therapy isn’t helping me. Not at all. All the medications don’t do a fucking thing. Exercising, eating right, still no fucking change. It doesn’t matter how much effort I put in, how hard I try, I’m still in the same fucking hell loop.

I don’t look forward to anything. I don’t want anything, except to not have to feel anymore. I used to want things but all that’s done for me is open my eyes to why I either can’t have those things or don’t want those things. I wish I could just think super hard and give myself an aneurysm or a heart attack or something and then it would just be over. 

Nothing gives me purpose. I derive no meaning from any sort of work. I don’t like to create things and I lack the focus to anyway. Helping people doesn’t make me feel anything at all. The is no meaning to my life at all and I can’t give myself any no matter what I try.

The only eventful thing that seems to happen in my life is that I constantly get completely crippled by my own mind. I feel like I’m living on a planet where for some reason gravity acts much stronger on me so everyone else seems to be able to walk around with no issues but even just standing up is a constant battle for me and I just look like a freak because no one else around me feels what I feel and they can’t see it either so they don’t understand. And now I don’t even know why I try to stand up anymore, it doesn’t get me anywhere and I’d be better off just letting the gravity finally crush me.

Don’t even know why I’m typing this, I guess it’s just my way of sitting on this fucking weights bench telling myself I’m doing *something*. I’ve already heard all the usual advice and none of it helps. I already go to therapy, I already do the things they tell me to, it doesn’t help at all. I’m already on medication, I’ve been on so many by this point, none of them made any difference at all. I’ve heard that “it gets better” a hundred times from people who just tell you to wait an indeterminate amount of time for something that may or may not actually happen, as if that’s some comfort. Besides, you can say I’m just being negative and pessimistic when I say I know I’ll still get like this again in a matter of months, but you can’t say I’m wrong because all the evidence points in the other direction. And because someone always says it, I’m not calling a suicide hotline. I don’t even know who those things exist for, those calls have only ever made me feel more suicidal afterwards, they’re less than useless.