I am 28, when I was 10 years old I walked to the local park attached to my primary school opposite my family house. 
I was wearing a slipknot hoodie which at the time was my favourite band.
 I was with two other girls from my class. Immediately when we walked into the park we noticed lots of teenagers drinking alcohol amongst other children my age. 
We got surrounded and hit with bottles because of my hoodie.
 My friends were able to escape and run to my house whilst I was held in a headlock and beaten by the gang. 
I managed to break free and run but by this point my mum had been notified of " mean kids in the park" from my two friends.
 My mum stormed into park, 46yearolds 5ft4 small blonde woman born In the late 50s so she thinks these 'kids' would listen to an adult shouting and respect her but no, unfortunately for my mum the teenagers were fearless and they beat her to a pulp. 

The kids scattered, attacked a bystander who was calling the police and ran down the road.
 My mum shaking called my dad to come and get her.
 With in minutes he was there red faced and angry he drags me into the car and instructs me to look for them. 
We go the next nearest park and the whole gang were there ofcorse, he got out the car and started shouting "who attacked my wife!!?" with in seconds all the male teenagers jumped on my dad and kicked him to the floor.
 I'd now seen both my parents attacked all I could do was scream and throw a empty glass bottle at the group stamping on my dad. 

This incident left me with bpd, from that day I didn't know what I liked or disliked anymore, I was scared of liking the wrong thing like slipknot that I started to not have a personality but really just reactions to everybody elses personalities. I would change around every person to suit them and their feelings. 

I acted up in school for years, I stopped crying for years, I was basically in 'fight mode'.
 I had trouble with consent and sexual relations. 
I eventually lost myself within my first 'relationship' and became completely obsessed when things ended even though he cheated on me.
Afterwards, I sexualised myself for protection and would sleep with a new person every other week so I wouldn't get attached to anyone but would fullfill my need of comfort and emptiness. 

when I was 15 my dad attacked me for the last time and I called the police, my parents separated and my mother was left with a lot of debt, because of that I had the start work on the weekends at 16 whilst doing my alevels and pay £200 to help my mum I was left with £80.

 At the time I aspired to be a lawyer. I really tried to juggle my 5 day a week education and my 2 days a week working but it came to a point where I felt I could only do one. I dropped out of sixth form without telling my mum at age 17 just so I could see some money. 

Working in a kitchen wasn't where I wanted to be, but home life started to take its toll and I needed to have my own space. So I worked full-time and I looked for a place to live, looking at random seedy places in shared accommodation I came across a married couple who I immediately connected with, she was Romanian 24 years old a model and a pole dancer, he was a 48 year old Jamaican mechanic/basket ball player. 
Such an odd couple on paper but the most beautiful and perfect couple I'd ever encountered. 
I'm naturally athletic and was interested in learning to dance with the pole so she taught me on her personal pole at home, I soon found out they were both polyamorous and I became part of their relationship. Unfortunately 2months in they were in a car crash and he died.
 I was 18 at the time and I didn't know what to do all I knew is I had to look after her as she was now a widow at 24.
 I didn't have time to grieve, I had to step up. 

Months later she moved back to Romania, and I was alone with no job or home, I had to earn money quick so I took the skills I'd learn from her and went to the most well known strip club in my area and I just went for it, fearlessly. 
I was in all honesty amazing at it. 
The rush you had from earning all this money instantly was exhilarating and liberating. 
But I soon realised months in that money didn't buy you happiness, a cloud of depression grew over me as I'd not let myself grieve. 
In this eternal depression I had only one question repeating in my head for a year, WHO AM I!?? 
I had no clue, this was the first time I'd had any money stress since my parents split. 

Then all of a sudden along came physical illnesses that made all my mental illnesses secondary, I was throwing up constantly (years later I now have a diagnosis and am waiting for an operation, the pandemic has made that a longer wait) but I've been suffering for 9 years with this sickness... in the midst of that I met the love of my life, I got pregnant on the contraceptive pill twice in 6 months and had two abortions. I decided with the decision as I didn't feel mentally stable to bare children, I was scared of killing myself. I now grieve those babies and wish I had been stronger. After my abortions a became chronically anxious which I never experienced before in my life, I couldn't leave the house for months at a time. I would work one night stripping and earn my rent and then I wouldn't leave my house again untill I needed to earn money again to survive. 
Over time I'd become this bumbling anxious tipsy mess trying to approach these men asking for a dance. It became impossible to do anymore I could only barely keep myself alive. 

This brings me to now, a newly heartbroken and single woman living at home with her mother. 
I haven't been able to decide on a job or career for 10 years now, I can't make a decision on what Id like or enjoy for years without feeling so stressed about earning enough money to stay alive, I become paralysed everytime I try to decide.

I have become so paralysed I have stopped learning new things or having hobbies as it is never something I can make into a profession. I watch the same programs over and over again because it makes me feel less stressed.

Since a few months ago, I receive low in-come support and p.i.p from the government and have been signed off work for my mental and physical disabilities for 3 years.
 It's the first time In years I feel I can start to think about what I want to do and enjoy. I'm trying to use this time to figure out who I am and to have fun with friends.
 
What I want to know is how other bpd sufferers have decided on careers? How have your kept jobs? What jobs do you think suit people with bpd?
 
Thanks for reading this far I appreciate it.