CW: Self harm, mentions of sexual abuse/pedophilia (non-descriptive), abuse and suicidality 

I've never been on reddit. I think I'm here because every other place online doesn't understand, or think that straight criticism will stop me from being a bad person. It doesn't. It makes me believe I'm past help.

I just split on my partner of 3 years. This was my first Big Split since my relationship with my abuser 4 years ago, and I'm not sure how to cope and do the healthy, right things. 

I was a serial cheater. So was my abuser. Cheating and infidelity are my biggest sources of paranoia and rage. I still deal with inappropriate flirting and relationships with friends despite being in a very patient, supportive relationship. I am aware of the double standard and want so badly to be a better person, but the moment I believe my partner is being distant or my relationship is failing, I try to self-soothe with other desperate people. 

My partner is my everything (obviously). Everything about them is creative and stimulating and brilliant. The kindness and patience was something they learned, being with me. And I'm already crying thinking of all the work that goes into it. 

They have a friend from one of their old theatre gigs and she is beautiful. They've been talking since the first time we started dating in my freshman year of college (but I ended up becoming monogamous with my abuser, and cut ties. We found each other again a year later.) Because I am scared and my impulse control is close to nothing, I went into their Facebook messages. This is a horrible, invasive behavior I have not been able to stay responsible for since my ex. 

And the friend and my partner flirt. At least, I know what my partner's flirting looks like. They call her stunning, and they said things to her that they used to say to me, and they joke about sex things (not overt, just comedy) and about being married. And they've had a history where they would surround themselves with friends they were attracted to in order to maintain an unhealthy source of sexual tension. (Sound similar?)

Because I am terrified of them abandoning me, I feel like even though they're not cheating (and are pursuing healthy, fulfilling friendships with others...) that they will realize I am a toxic, abusive person and leave me. 

I love them, but they also represent so much more to me. I am trans, and my parents were physically and emotionally abusive all during my upbringing. My father is a pedophile and my mother also probably suffers from BPD (but is more of an "acting out," instead of an "acting in" like me). I also have a string of abusive or codependent relationships behind me where I was sexually assaulted or abandoned. I also have no steadfast friends. If my partner leaves me, I will be forced to move back in with my parents because I do not have the independence or money to avoid it. It's unfair to them but terrifies me everyday. I try not to frame it that way to them, but I think they are aware and it might be one of the main reasons they stay with me. They've definitely had a savior complex in previous relationships.

Usually, I am depressed enough that my drive to be anxious or paranoid is dampened by fatigue. I am now medicated, and my BPD symptoms have been in full effect. I am acting in, sometimes acting out, and I straight up accused them of being attracted to her last night, then self-flagellated and then ghosted for the evening. And I think they found out I was lurking as well. This is the first time in a few months where I've been this way to them, (the last time was an awful fight about our sex life; a whole other, terrible problem where I am a terrible person.) 

I'm usually quiet, and self-harm and self-destruct than put it directly on my partner (not good, but better than outwardly hurting them.) But after re-reading I Hate You Don't Leave Me and some articles about the abuse cycle with those with BPD, I'm realizing I'm still perpetuating those behaviors but just on a micro, below-the-surface level. 

And I just... know that I'm high functioning and self aware for most Borderlines... but its still not enough? I'm still not going to be a good person no matter how hard I try? I feel like I'm predisposed to be bad, and that being good feels like wearing heavy, itchy, suffocating clothes. And even when I'm Excersing, Eating Better, Seeing a Counselor AND Psychiartist, On Medication, Journalling, and Using BOTH DBT+CBT... I'm still this person. And I'll always be this person, because you can't completely recover from BPD. And I will always hurt people around me.

And that makes me want to hurt myself. Like, my brain is saying "Let them leave you, or force them to leave you. You are a bad person, and you are hurting the one you love most because you are not well and want everything from them." And then, if I do that... I'll be alone. All alone. And I'll have to move back home into suburbia. And I'll be stranded. And I'll lose everything. And that... makes me want to kill myself. I don't know what to do.

I really don't know what to do. Obviously we can talk about it and I can apologize and try to be better but I will always have a history and I will always be this terrible partner on the inside. 

I just want to die. And I'm scared.

Can anyone help? Or just relate?