I'm not sure, but I think learning that pwBPD commonly use sex as a way of feeling wanted has made me scared of sex with people I like -- "Sex is that thing that people use to trick themselves into thinking people care. Why would anyone want that? Sex is bad. I want my FP to actually like me. If I love her I shouldn't want sex. Wanting sex means I'm only pretending to love her. I don't want to pretend. If I want sex, I'm a bad person and a liar..."

Stripping someone you supposedly love, not only into the purely physical, but specifically what they can give you, makes me sick. Her personality, her friendliness, her compassion, her intelligence, her sensitivity, her confidence, her resilience, her spirit, her passion, her honesty, her warmth, were what drew me to her in the first place. I don’t want to lose sight of that, even for a second — that’s what sex wants you to do. Sex is saying “The fact that you are an amazing person who doesn’t mind spending time with me, who makes me happy, who I want to make happy, isn’t enough. I want more. If you don’t want sex, you don’t love me.” Sex puts an ultimatum on love. Sex says that the fact a person exists isn’t a valid enough reason to love them, that, if you really care about someone, you have to take something from them, that the greatest form of love someone can experience, the greatest someone can give, is the physical, and not the sheer enrapturing warmth that comes from knowing that that person exists. How can that be a good thing?

Sex is taking ‘I want to please the other person’ and making it all about you. It’s saying that the fact that you could give pleasure to someone you love isn’t enough, that you have to get physical pleasure, too; that being selfish is a good thing, that someone can’t possibly be happy only giving to someone, that you have to take as well. Pleasing someone should be an activity that you devote yourself to completely; you should view yourself as a vessel for delivering pleasure: it shouldn’t matter whether or not you get your rocks off. Sex isn’t love. Sex is selfish. Love isn’t selfish.

Somehow my FP, and everyone else it seems, manages to make it work. More power to her, as far as I’m concerned. I’m happy that she can find accord between two conflicting aspects of attraction without losing part of either. But I can’t understand how that is possible, and I really don’t want to risk finding out that it isn’t. Especially with her. I have something amazing with her: a friendship. I don’t want to throw that away seeking something I haven’t.

I’m not asexual. I think. I still experience sexual attraction — I’ll hump anything that moves, and most things that don’t, TBH. I’m just repulsed by my desire. Anti-sexual, possibly.

I did want sex with my FP for a very short period. I’m not entirely sure, but it might even have been before I ever realised she mattered to me — I know it was around that time. I didn’t mean it. Sex is okay for one night stands with people you’ve met ten minutes prior, or for people you’ve known for years, and always thought “I would”, but not for people you love. I made myself stop wanting sex because I didn’t want her to be angry with me. I’m not good enough for her . I should be happy that someone as nice as my FP could be bothered talking to me. If I want sex, that means I’m being selfish — she makes me feel nice; I shouldn’t want more than that. I know I’m still being selfish by wanting her to like me, but that doesn’t mean I should encourage myself to be a bad person, and at least this way I’m less selfish. I know ‘less selfish’ isn't good enough; but I’m trying my best.

Also; you think this post is long? I’ve almost halved it from what I’m giving to my therapist. The rest of it is mainly just me discussing extracts from ‘On Love’ by Khalil Gibran and ‘You Say You Don’t Love Me’ by The Buzzcocks.