TRIGGER WARNING!! Contains mentions of selfharm and suicide
So for context this is a short story I had to write for English on an inner conflict so I chose to do mine about bpd and my experience
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Rollercoasters aren't so fun anymore

Irritation. Annoyance. Exhaustion. Melancholy. Grumpy. Excited.

So many emotions running wild around my mess of a head and yet all that’s happened today is my alarm going off. I sit up slowly, taking my medication in grimacing gulps, I hate it. I hate everything about those silly little serotonin pills, they make me feel weak and stupid, and so unbelievably unmotivated. A thought flies through my head at a rapid pace ‘What if it’s not the meds? What if you’re just stupid and lazy?’ I push it back, ignorance is the easiest coping mechanism and I’ll be damned if I don’t exploit the fuck out of it.

I’d give anything in this whole fucking world to get of this damned rollercoaster. Make the ‘what ifs’, the racing thoughts and emotions all stop, just for 5 minutes at least. I just want off this stupid fucking rollercoaster. Up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down and up, up, up, up and down, down, down, down. Never ending. I can’t catch a break from my own head. I need to leave for school before my meds kick in and I talk myself into skipping school today…. Again.

The bus pulls up, I smile weakly. I don’t want to go, “Good morning,” I mumble to the driver, he nods back. Calm.

Station, train, solitaire, ramp, oval, stairs, bench, and back to reality I stumble. What happened? Why am I at school already?

‘Because you walked here dumbass’ my head taunts me. Ignore it.

Class. I need to get to class, I bumble down the hall humming quietly to myself. Nothing feels real, when nothing feels real you forget about the consequences that your actions hold. Nothing matters so it doesn’t matter who I am or what I choice to do. If it even is me that chooses. Do you know who you are? Do you know what you’re doing? Unfortunately, I don’t. I take a left and head to math, I sigh in anticipation and open the door. Head down, pen, book, calculator, pencil, eraser. I don’t think, allowing myself to move solely on autopilot. I hear snickering and giggling ‘they’re talking about you, they’re all laughing at you, and why shouldn’t they? You look ridiculous.’

 “shut up” I mumble to myself. Ignore it.

I feel my head spinning, she screams at me ‘they hate you, you know they do! Don’t lie to yourself honey, just think of how much happier you’ll be once you finally take the leap.’ Anger, sadness, longing, fear, annoyance, anxiety, panic, I’m trying my hardest to ignore it and keep my composure. I trigger so easily at the tiniest things that it’s so hard to ignore.

I hear their laughs reverberate in my skull, playing over and over again. Stress, tears, “are you okay?’ someone asks, and I break like glass. I can’t take it, I feel my stomach drop to the floor and suddenly I can taste my lunch. I can’t do it. I run out of my class to the bathroom in a desperate attempt to make it to a toilet. Chills run up my body and I feel the tension build in my head as I heave over a plant bed wishing I was anywhere but here. My head feels heavy like a breezeblock and I’m shaking violently, I pull myself together for long enough to find my way in front of the toilet and on my knees heaving once again. I look at my phone case and think of the blades hidden in there, ‘do it’ she whispers to me.

‘Ignore it rose, it’s okay’ I tell myself

‘But its not, is it? don’t lie to yourself, it’ll only hurt you more. If you hurry up and do it, you’ll die before anyone comes looking for you.’ She speaks softer now, coaxing me into thinking it was my own thoughts and not hers. ‘if you do It you won’t have to deal with anything anymore. It’ll be so quiet and calm, no more ‘what ifs’, racing thoughts and emotions, and not just for 5 minutes, forever.’ I listen.

I take off my phone case and does what needs to be done.

Pain, regret, worry, sadness, fear, shame, guilt, darkness, blank.