Over the last few decades I’ve (39f) noticed a set cycle/pattern that I am dedicated to breaking(and thought I had but life is laughing at me so guess not lol). But lately it’s been easier to just withdraw completely because it’s all too similar and in a way- very annoying.

Basically I’ve come to the conclusion it’s 90% just me and my direct mannerisms that’s off-putting to the majority. I find myself more and more isolated not wanting to even try to open up because I just feel constant disproval and rejection and disdain.  I have such a small group of people in my life as it is, little to no family- I don’t want to put all my crazy  on them.  My husband says he loves me and I don’t doubt it but I also know I’m too much for him.  So I’ve pretty much stopped talking to him.  My nonsense just rattles around until he’s bored and stops listening anyway so conversations are  usually one sided.  I notice he does this to other people too- so I try not to take it personally.  

I cry silently in the middle of the night more often then I even want to admit to myself.  I lost my mom a while back and with the stress my little guy creates- I guess I wish I at least had her.  The only person who *usually* had my back is gone. And I’m lost.  And I’m angry. And I’m sad.  

Finding a therapist isn’t an option as when I brought this up- my husband made it clear if I needed someone else and not him, that there was a bigger problem.  I don’t know how to make him see it’s not anything to do with him as much as it is me trying to get over myself.  I am tired of pretending to be one way or another to avoid confrontation.  I’m done being a chameleon and really would like to just feel comfortable being me.  I know I have ADD as that was diagnosed 25 years ago but- is that all it is? I wake up at 3 am on the regular and just cry and hate myself.  I have no one who is hearing me on this right now and I’m scared because I’ve been in a similar place before and the ground just crumbled under my feet- and I just fucking let it.  

Heart hurts, head hurts, I’m tired.