I fucked up big time. I am a terrible fucking shitty person who’s destroyed everything. I ruined my life and I start summer school soon and don’t have a job. My ex boyfriend almost killed me because I cheated on him …I mean full on cheated and fucked my ex who’s 30 years older then me and he calls him a pedophile and hates him already even tho my ex thought I was single because I’m a liar. So it’s all my fault. Now I’m scared my ex is going to message him on top of it and get into trouble/involved so I needed to do it myself. 
He says he’s going to kill him if he finds out with who and so I lied so he wouldn’t get after the love of my life who I have already caused enough shit in his life so he shouldn’t have to deal with this mess on top of it. So now have put a no contact order on again even tho I’m the one who freaking annoys him. So that’s kinda ironic. My ex never wants to see me again and I feel so extremely guilty since he just rented a house and invested so much into us. I’m glad I did it over distance tho and blocked because he broke my things including my laptop over just wanting to hang out with my friend and not him. So I feel so panicked since the moment I did it. He wouldn’t even replace my laptop which sucks but it’s karma because I broke someone’s tv and didn’t replace it and I know how it feels so I feel disgusted with myself.

I only have one friend and I almost lost her but she’s back in my life since I did the right thing and got out of a controlling relationship and was honest about not being loyal/faithful. I can still tell she’s distant tho and I feel so depressed. I’m like wow I really am a terrible person. Thank god for DBT tomorrow.

I just feel like I’m terrible and deserve to fucking die. What do I fucking do? I’m really alone now more than I have ever felt