The new year has had me really in a bad head space. Was writing a journal entry and reading back through old ones, realized I've been on the edge of killing myself for years. I feel purposeless. I have things I enjoy doing at times. Not always. It's fleeting moments of happiness, like a ghost of what used to be there.

I hate my current job as much as I've hated almost every other one I've had. My favorite job got taken away from me last January by a horrible coworker who lied about me to our supervisor and almost got me fired. I quit so I could use the job on my resume.

The family I live with hate me. At least my mother does, anyway. She's insufferable to be around. I can't afford to move out. My nephew is in the hospital, and has been since November. He's everything to me, and I just want to hold him. My sister is my support usually, but she's there with her son and I don't want to add to her turmoil.

I feel numb. Every day I go into work and try to do my usual of turning my brain off but I can't anymore, I don't know what changed but now I just watch the clock as the hands drag agonizingly slowly til I can clock out and go home. I don't have any friends. I can't confide in family about this hell I'm living in, they think I'm lazy because I have a hard time making myself go to work, my room has been a disaster for months and I can't keep it clean, I can't keep up with anything anymore. They get mad at me when I ask for help.

I can't do this anymore. I can't live if there's no purpose in living. I'm so lonely and I crave attention and love and care but when I reach out for it I get pushed away. My only reason not to kill myself is my nephew but I still can't see him and it hurts me more than anything I've ever experienced.