I feel extremely miserable, like I feel like I'm at my lowest point and then it just gets worse. I'm not enjoyable to be around since I'm just sad and I go silent. I'm so in my own head, I forget other people have emotions and thoughts. I've completely disappeared from my friends because I think they don't like me. Now that I'm writin' this, I think it's a bit silly that I think they don't like me. Part of me still thinks they don't though... I don't know.  I feel like a waste of a human. I have so much to live for, I'm young and have so much potential. Instead, I'm sittin' at my desk on the verge of tears thinkin' about endin' it and just bein' sad. I wish I had a better view of life but I can't! I'm so pessimistic sometimes, it's embarrasin'! I think I need to open up and communicate more with people. When someone treats me wrong, I don't tell them and just keep it to myself. Whenever I get in a bad mood, I go silent and just disappear. I've been isolatin' myself and then when I come back, I'm in a terrible mood so I zone out and get quiet, then I think they're leavin' me out so I leave and be sad. Later I realize I was just too in my head but it happens so much, you'd think I'd learn from it and stop doin' it but it keeps happenin'!!!! It's so annoyin'. I'm not really open to anyone, not my parents, not my boyfriend, not my friends. People not a bit about my problems but not really a lot. I feel like a burden. I feel like if I told them, they'd hate me or think of me differently! I've told my boyfriend and friend about how I'm obsessive and I feel like they think of me differently, weirdly now. I've been stressin' about that soooo much, I'm scared. I'm scared I'll be alone. I already feel lonely so what if I end up bein' alone for the rest of my life. I feel like my boyfriend is gettin' tired of me but he doesn't wanna be an asshole and leave me so instead he's just puttin' up with me. Is that true? I don't know but I feel like it! I'm stressin' so much! Yknow, earlier it was rainin' so I baked some cookies and went out in the rain! I started talkin' to myself about my problems, kinda actin' like I was talkin' to my boyfriend. I know it's embarrasin' but It helped. I pretended like I was just talkin' about everythin' to him. The goods and bads. I ended up cryin' cause it was so much for me. I kinda wish I was able to talk to him. I've not talked to anyone in 2 days but I'm scared to come back because I've been disappearin' so much what if they hate me???!!!! I don't want that to happen!!!! I want to come back but I feel like if I do, everyone will ignore me and I'll be all alone again. So if I don't come back, I can live in this imagination that they miss me and want me back. What if they do want me back? I don't even know. I hate this, I hate myself and my mind! I hate that I think these things! I can't say half the stuff I'd want to because my friends follow me on reddit and there's a chance they could read this... Hey guys!... I've realized there's someone I hate, always. A single person. I was talkin' to my friend about that the other day actually! Bad thing is I have to talk to them like every day so it gets me realllllly mad. I CAN'T STAND THEM!!!!!😒 I get so annoyed but I try not to show my anger... I think I do a good job of not showin' it!??....Another thing related to that is that I'm never mad so this happenin' lately is really weird. Slightly worryin'... I don't know, I just can't stand that person so I get mad! Valid reason? I wish I was happy, that's somethin' I really want. I feel like I'm always sad. I wish I could just be happy and cheery and dance around the place!!!! I wish I could just not worry about stuff! I'm always overthinkin' stuff! It's SO ANNOYIN!!!!! If someone says for example "Hi" instead of "Hello!" I will stress out so much. Obviously not that scenario but you get the point! I kinad wish I felt more wanted. I know it's selfish but I really like attention. I don't think I've ever talked about this but... I like being treated better than everyone else. I like being the favorite. It's sooo bad but I can't help it! And lately, I haven't been feelin' like that so I've been stressin! I will NEVER ask people to treat me better but I don't know... I really like it!!! I never ask people to do anythin' for me! Unless it's like "get me this thing in this game!" but other than that, I don't ask people for stuff. I sometimes want to but I get too scared! 'Nother thing is I CANNOT COMMUNICATE!! I really wish I could!!! I vented to someone about it before and they said "Well if you're too scared to communicate to your boyfriend than break up with him!" And I was like "Noooooo!!!! :-(" I don't think that's right??? I just wish I could communicate! I get so scared and then just freeze! I get this image in my head that if I open up and communicate, the person will hate me and they'll leave me! I can't even communicate with my parents! I can't do anything! I wish I could, so badly. I really need to be able to cmmunicate but I can't, I'm too scared of losin' people. I've completely changed my personality to what I think the people around me want. I will mirror the person I'm talkin' to so that they like me. My personality changes from friend to friend! It's completely differnt when I'm talkin' to my family! Even a different voice! It works, I think! I really hate when people mirror me though, kinda funny! I posted about it before! I absolutely HATE when people are like me, even slightly. I will genuienly hate that person. I can't stand when people pick stuff up from me! I think like 2 people are an exception! I wish I wasn't obsessive. When I'm obsessed with someone, I will hate anyone they get along with! Some exceptions though! If I had a years long friendship with someone else and the person I'm obsessed with talks to them and they get along, I will hate my years long friend. I feel so guilty about it but it's true! I think I just need a hug and to lay down and sleep for a while. I've been tryin' to not depend on my boyfriend so much, I'm like a little leech!😞 He is the source of my happiness, it's like there's no good if he's not with me! So I'm tryin' not to be obsessed with him because I mean come on, I can't live like this?? I truly care about him and I want the best for him and I feel like I'm kinda a bad boyfriend?? Like, I just am sad and there's like nothin' good about me. I am so jealous of people who compliment others by sayin' stuff like "They're a ball of sunshine, they light up the room, they make everyone happy!" cause I know damn well that's not me. I know people probably get annoyed at me and want me gone. I can't! What if they don't!?? Come on, me!! So in my own head! My thoughts and worries are so suffocatin' I forget there's multiple possibilities! See, OPTIMISM!!!!! The Mega Soulinator 3000 wins again!!! I'm gonna stop ventin' now, this is awfully long considerin' this post was supposed to be about one topic!😭 Apologies to anyone who read all of this! Have a good day, goodbye!😁👋