Relationships are by far my biggest trigger and every single one I’ve been in has resulted in multiple instances of self harm, self-hatred, and emotional turmoil. I’ve been through so much treatment and finally hoped I was ready to date but it’s only getting worse. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a few months now, and I generally love being with him in person, and when we are happy, it’s great and I can’t even imagine wanting to be without him. But more and more often, most of our conversations are filled with conflict or unintentionally trigger me and lead me to feel intensely upset and/or suicidal. When I get upset because of our relationship, it lasts about a half hour and is excruciatingly painful to the point where I want to claw my skin off just to distract myself. I’m in therapy and he could not be more supportive. But I can tell I’m exhausting him and honestly, I’m exhausted. 

I get so excited to talk to him but I also dread it, because I’m just waiting to get triggered and have a huge meltdown and want to leave again. I debate leaving the relationship at least once daily, but once I calm down I can’t even fathom it. It’s so frustrating because I want to be different, and happy with him, and I know if it weren’t for this disorder I would be. I want to be with him so badly, but I’m generally miserable. I love him more than anything, but I can’t decide if it’s worth how much pain I’m in. I’ve never left someone before, and the idea of not being with him makes me absurdly panicked and it’s absolutely repulsive to me. However, I don’t know how much longer I can sustain this without hurting myself really badly or saying or doing something to the people I love that I will regret. 

As those of you who suffer from this hell of a disorder know, our emotions and decisions are so ever-changing that I can never come to a genuine conclusion. When I’m happy, I forget all the times I was sad with him. When I’m hurt, I devalue all of the good times. And to be fair, the majority of the time I am happy. But it’s not the majority by much. I want to make it work, but the amount of effort required might be more than I can handle right now. It’s worsened by his own mental illnesses; I know it would probably be easier with someone else, but I want him. However, I can’t stand this pain, and I can’t stand how often I feel it. 

I genuinely don’t know what to do. The thought of leaving him and being without him is almost incomprehensible to me, but maybe I should just push past that and accept that it’ll hurt for a couple of months but break ups can be gotten through. Or maybe I should see this as a rough patch and push past it, and I’ll come to be thankful that I stayed. I genuinely don’t know, and any advice or experience would be so welcome here. I want to keep my relationship, but not at the expense of my life or being this miserable forever. I’m just so depressed that I cant bring myself to use skills most of the time and I can’t help but feel that a lot of my depression is because of this relationship. And I hate to say that because I love him so much and he works so hard for me and with me, but I know how relationships affect me. 

I think that’s about it. Just please let me know if you have any feedback.