Apologies in advance for spelling mistakes and format. I’m impulsively sharing via phone. 

I am having a hard time getting the courage to write out how much I find comfort in my bad coping mechanisms and impulsive habits.. I am diagnosed with bipolar, ptsd, and bpd. When things out of my control happen and change my life I take that as a “fuck it do what you want” card. I’m currently on week two of a mixed episode and I’ve successfully pushed all healthy people out of my life because it doesn’t feel right. I don’t deserve understanding or love. I don’t even know who I am and have to force my understanding caring personality for the people showing me love and care.. I just don’t have the energy for it. 

Since I’ve been free of trying to be a good person to a human who fell I love with me I’ve gladly been over spending on alcohol and having sex with men who I don’t have a connection with. It feels nice and comforting to be a sex object with someone I know won’t try to give a fuck about me.. 

 Also still recovering from an awful cover narcissist engagement so any sense of identity I had when I was with that demon is gone and I have to find myself again... Uhg 

My bank account and my impulsive sexual choices are obviously for the millionth time hurting my ability to grow. I don’t feel like growing. The FUCK IT personality I get when I’m like this is like a drug. 

Does anyone else do this? I use to have a blog for my mental health rambles I’m afraid of sharing due to judgment but I manically deleted it two years ago and haven’t had the fucking courage to share my bullshit with the internet since.. I’ve chosen to isolate for now since I don’t want to fuck uo or be the me family and friends want.