I don't know how to do this anymore. I've dealt with depression and anxiety for years, but after a recent with break up with a long term partner, it's gotten worse than ever before. I work from home in a city I don't know anyone in, and my increasing depression is making it hard to focus on work, which my bosses have noticed and are not happy with. How do I tell a boss that my mental health is absolutely destroying me without getting labeled as problematic or having to take time off to sort it out, which I absolutely can't afford.

I reach out to friends back home and they've been great at trying to help, but there's still months before I'm able to move back out there, and I'm genuinely worried about being alone all the time. I have a roommate at the moment, but she's moving in a few days, so after that it's just me completely alone for the first time in a few years.

And even if I do manage to move away from this place, I feel like I'm always just kicking the ball forward a few yards, but it never takes long for the feelings of absolute self-loathing to come back. I've developed a few fun new tics too, so my hands are always trembling, my heart is always racing, and I'm talking/yelling at myself every day. I rewatched lord of the rings recently and noticed how my day to day yelling at myself is pretty much the same as how Gollum talks to himself, only mine involves me just yelling "you should kill yourself" and "you're a stupid piece of shit" over and over again. I can't eat and am losing weight fast, and that just makes me more ashamed.

I just don't know how to keep doing this. I have no right to complain about my life - I'm working a job that I usually love, and I have a circle of supportive friends that I'm so lucky to know, even though they live a couple hundred kilometers away - but I just can't deal with myself anymore. How do you teach yourself to like yourself? I'm 34 - I should be over this stuff by now. I should be able to handle this by now. But here I am - every little speed bump sending me spiralling into deep depressive episodes, and having to constantly stop myself from banging my head on the wall or cut myself or trying to burn myself to help ignore the mental pain. At least then I'm feeling something I can focus on. But I'm so tired.

I just don't know anymore. And I'm turning to friggin Reddit for help since I can't even eloquate my feelings in person with other people without breaking down in hysterical sobs and stuttering nonsense.

I've tried reaching out to emergency hotlines for mental health supports, but they always just offer phone numbers to talk to other people with no actual help given. I'm so tired of having to explain to layers of counselors about how much I hate myself. I just don't want to do this anymore. I don't even know what I want by posting this. I'm just so done with myself.

I dunno. Please help.