This Monday I went to a friend's party. It was all going well but after a few drinks I started to feel upset about my brother, who hung himself this March. I decided I would drink more until I felt nothing. 

This worked up until I broke down outside infront of everyone crying for my brother and explaining what happened. While I did this I heard a girl start to laugh at me. I completely lost it I yelled at her "Is it f*cking funny that my brother hung himseld" "Is it funny that I had to hold my sobbing mother at 4 am and promise her I wouldn't kill myself because my brother had just hung himself" I said some pretty awful stuff on top of that which I'm not comfortable sharing. She ran off and I chased after her wanting her to listen to my pain. Despite the fact I never intended to cause harm people accused me of trying to attack her. I went back to sobbing violently until I got picked up.

Since then all the people who I considered friends have made it clear to me I'm an awful person and instead of supporting me tell me that I need professional help (which I've had). They judge how I reacted like they know exactly how they'd react if they were I'm my position. What makes this worse is that the girl I really like has ghosted me since.

I've fallen into a dark pit starting to self harm, took up smoking again and almost killed myself today. 

I don't know what I can do to fix this but I can feel my depression taking hold again despite making progress over the last couple months.