I’m draining. I’m exhausting and I’m the toxic, intense, over sensitive friend everyone secretly calls a cry baby. Ive heard it. Ive no friends left.  Maybe one or two but I don’t even feel they’re genuine. Because I’m not genuine. I’m empty. I cling to anyone who shows me true love and I grieve them with all my heart when they leave. I’m so sad. If I’m not on medication then I am a monster. I never felt warmth as a kid. I cried every day and it never got easier. I still cry at 20 years old as if I were 8 crying for my mum who forgot about me at school. I cry all the time. And if I’m not crying I’m manic. Going to the gym every day, feeling nothing. That’s when everyone seems to like me. That’s when my crush wants me, when I feel nothing. When I don’t want them. You never get what you need when you actually need it. Ive had BPD since I was 8 for sure. Clung to people for dear life. Please don’t leave me. Ive said that so many times to so many people who eventually left because I was too much. Needed too much. Never satisfied. I’m a bottomless pit. I drink too much and embarrass myself and I sit in shame the next day. Sometimes I think I need to go to a mental hospital for a year but I bet even that won’t fix me. Lonely . Cold . Lonely and cold. That’s been me my whole life and here I am beginning o develop health conditions at 20. Things only old people should get. That’s what this type of pain will do to you.