hey guys, I’ve been feeling better somewhat, im back to drinking instead of hitting the slopes, so I guess that’s better right? But that’s not really the point, the big point is every time I’m driven to my lowest i feel like I have to put this happy persona on &amp; act like everything is fine when internally im crumbling and deteriorating:/ some background info, I have a decent following on a lot of socials 5k-10k+ but yet every time I am at my lowest, in a bender in a drug phase in a drinking spell, call it what you want. people always cheer me on for being my unhealthiest and going on benders, but I don’t want that image anymore i wanna be better  I want to show people the real happy me I used to be, but it just seems like everyone I know (minus a few ppl) actually has my best interest in mind . I always notice people following me and fan mailing me but it’s all such surface level bullshit, I thought blowing up provincially (State wide if ur from USA) would make my problems go away and maybe this is just me learning the lesson that followers don’t matter but this is kinda deeper than that, its the fact everyone I grew up around in high school etc encourage my self destructive behavior, I love them to death but I don’t know what to do I am at a loss and maybe it’s because i dont even know which friend to deal with first because im trying to impress all of them … :/