text: Wow! The new year is just around the corner and what a socially isolated year it has been. I can probably count the number of times I posted here on my fingers and toes. I guess that’s what happens when you can’t go anywhere and do anything.
  So what’s happening for the rest of the year for me?
  Podcasting
  Two more episodes are coming (as far as I’ve planned). Both are kind of those “obligatory” episodes–the giving thanks and Christmas-time/end-of-year one. I’m just going to explain what my blessings have been over the year and what is coming in the year ahead (if everything goes nicely).
  Website
  I am really struggling to justify why I even have a personal website and have told people that this upcoming year is probably the last year. I say that a lot, but it rarely happens. So… who knows what’s going to happen. I am working on stuff though, mostly the link router code, podcast guide code, and media player. I’m actually currently working on all three in my spare time.
  Spare Time?
  I don’t have much due to my new job and travelling, sadly. So progress is a bit slow.
  Lemonade in the Machine
  I spilled lemonade (the equivalent of Sprite or 7-up) in my keyboard. Boo.
  Watching the Case for Luxuries
  I want to update my Apple Watch from the series 4 to the latest. Because I keep getting sick and have a very small amount of sick hours, I can’t get that right now. It’s a luxury that I can do without. It’s the first time in a while that my finances are very tight. I am okay, but if you think you don’t have money, you will spend less, right?
  Accounting and Coffee
  I don’t know if you knew, but if you have an account at my website, you can access not-so-public stuff like podcast episodes that aren’t on the feed and some of my music. If you support me with 3 coffees, I’ll give you access to that for about a year. Just tell me through the contact form after you sign up for an account, and I’ll credit you.
  I will warn you that not a lot is available at the moment, but there is some new content. Right now, anybody with an account can access the hidden stuff so you don’t have to give me coffee if you don’t want to. I do like coffee though! 😉
  End
  There’s not much more to say except that I am not posting much on Twitter or this blog lately. I use Mastodon instead. Follow me if you want to.
  What Happens Now?
  7 November 2021 | Ben	
  It’s that time of the year: my hosting account needs a sacrifice of money to continue. Fun fact though: I have paid next year’s hosting about 6 months ago. I’ve had a personal website since 1998 and I have been oversharing what happens in my life since then.
  I have been documenting some aspects of my life for a really long time. In hindsight, I have made a ton of mistakes and probably have ruined any chance I have running for any political office due to my sometimes not-so-popular opinions.
  The Internet has allowed me to open up about things and get things off my chance over the years which is a good thing. There were times when I thought I was alone only to find that I wasn’t. Sometimes I think the connection with like-minded individuals probably saved my life. I’m so thankful for that.
  Until I discovered this big online world, I was shy and well, I didn’t have many friends. Of course, a lot of that was due to my upbringing. I like my quiet life mostly. I don’t think I would really enjoy getting attention. I don’t know how I would handle that, but I have to say that I can see how celebrities go off the deep end at times.
  Lately, and especially since I moved away from my partner, I have felt like I want some attention. I need some form of social interaction but living in a “new” place makes it a bit hard. Sure, I’ve got extended family there, but I don’t feel like I can rush there every time I get sad, lonely, and unhappy.
  As I write this, I am in my “old” place with my husband and I am pretty happy. I miss the guy a lot even if he irritates me sometimes. It will be hard to return home when I have to go in a few days.
  I will be fine. I chose this lonely sort of life but at the same time, I know that I have the support of strangers which, in a way, makes me feel better.
  Rambling completed. It’s nice to have you here, even if you just read. 🙂
  Happy Halloween
  31 October 2021 | Ben	
  Here’s hoping that you have a scary Halloween! Stuff your face of treats and don’t forget to scare the piss out of your friends!
  Photo by Monstera on Pexels.com
  I don’t really do the Halloween thing in Australia and I am a little jealous when I see all my family and friends having a good time. Whatever you do, be safe and stay healthy! 🙂
  #65: Coasting Through
  24 October 2021 | Ben	
  If you’d like to subscribe to the podcast you can use Apple Podcasts or Google Podcasts.
  Podcasting is getting more and more “difficult” for me. This is your warning.
  I’ve been working on the website lately. If you have any problems anywhere, or any feedback for me, just let me know by leaving a comment here or by sending me a message here.
  Slacking
  16 October 2021 | Ben	
  My post-move podcast episode is on the backburner right now. I just don’t have the time and energy to record anything. Moving away is stressful and separating from the partner isn’t easy either. (We are still a couple, but I took a job somewhere else. I still can’t remove that feeling of feeling that this has been a really selfish move.
  As you can see, I am having a hard time processing things, but also, my lovely partner has been so supportive in all this. He’s a gem. I still feel like what I did was selfish.
  Anyway, I am just letting everybody know what’s happening with me, and as I said, I will try my hardest to record something… I might just bring along my phone and record with it.
  I’ll see you all later. I am all good.
  Craving More?
  6 October 2021 | Ben	
  Posts on my weblog and Twitter may be infrequent, but I am active on Mastodon lately. You can follow me at Mastodon or at the Complicated Noise website.
  Yes, I’m still moving. No, I haven’t finished. No, I don’t have the internet at home. Yes, I need furniture. I am perpetually tired.
  I will be back soon. I think.
  Creative Project Update: Visible Form
  23 September 2021 | Ben	
  Almost one year ago, I said that I was working on some music projects. One of those was called “Visible Form”. Did you know that I am still working on it?
  Visible Form
  I have a bit of a problem: I am too much of a perfectionist and I refuse to share anything with the public if I feel like it’s not good enough. I also understand that no one is perfect too. I’ve made a few things for this collection of computer-generated static and sound. I actually like what I’ve created… mostly. I want to add to it. That’s what I’ll be doing with my free time in the next year.
  If you’ve listened to my podcasts lately, some of it I’ve used early versions in my introductions.
  I guess what I am saying is that I am still at work on it. A few little things have prevented me from creating faster over the year, mostly not being able to get in that mental space I need to be in. Since I am moving into my own place, I am going to be able to do this a little quicker.
  Time frame? Who the hell knows? I don’t even know yet.
  Track listing? “Visible Form”, “Ruby Rise”, “Away Scene”, “Conjoin”, “Mercurial” and possibly another one or two. “Away Scene” is probably my most favourite right now. I’ve also created something called “am” which may inspire me to make more time-inspired music. We’ll see how it goes. I don’t want this first thing (in a long time) to take longer than it has to.
  With all these big changes in my life, I am having some pretty big shifts in my mood and feelings, so let’s put that to a good use, eh? Hopefully you’ll hear more soon.
  #64: Back to Civilisation
  11 September 2021 | Ben	
  If you’d like to subscribe to the podcast you can use Apple Podcasts or Google Podcasts.
  I’ve been working on the website lately. If you have any problems anywhere, or any feedback for me, just let me know by leaving a comment here or by sending me a message here.
  The Cat’s Out of the Bagel
  4 September 2021 | Ben	
  I’ve been delaying my new podcast episode because things are a little crazy right now.
  Meow
  Long story short: I’ve got a new job and I’m moving more than 4 hours away from here. I’ve been busy trying to find a place and it hasn’t been easy. If you have a hard time with rejection and you’d like some practice, apply for rental houses. You’ll get used to it after a while. It still feels bad, but I have to say that the ones they’ve rejected need tenants right away. I started applying for places that need tenants after I leave my job here. Right now, there’s like a 2-5 day gap from me leaving my current role and going to my new one. So my schedule is pretty tight.
  I’m still looking for a house but with no notice, I can’t find a place and move into it. Plus, I want to save a bit more.
  I have a lot of feelings with this move and I don’t feel like I’ve processed them yet, so my next podcast episode will be full of processing. It’s not a simple move, unfortunately. No breakups or separations are involved, by the way. 😉
  Everybody take care of yourselves. Excuse the grammatical issues you may run into. See you later!
  Things Are Happening
  28 August 2021 | Ben	
  Sorry for missing my podcast episode date. There are a lot of changes happening in my life that I’ll talk about in it. It’s kept me from being online very much.
  I know this is short, but at least it’s something, right? 🙂
  I hope everybody is doing well. 🙂
  My Struggles with Anxiety, Part 138,392,873
  19 August 2021 | Ben	
  I feel like a majority of my Tweets and Toots (on Mastodon) is about my sleep quality. Okay, let me narrow that down to horrible sleep quality. I am telling you people, my sleep has been horrendous since I applied for the job I applied for.
  I haven’t heard anything. I’ve poked and prodded. Still, I’ve heard nothing.
  But this is the thing: I don’t need that job. I am pretty content at the place I am at now, but I crave a change, but at the same time, I am happy if that change doesn’t happen.
  What’s driving me crazy though is knowing whether I got the job or not. Sure, it’ll give me something else to think about because it will no doubt uproot my personal life and cause a few issues with my husband’s job and visa. So, I said I would cross that bridge when I got it. The new place is honestly a place where I would LOVE to work at in a city that I would love to live in again.
  I don’t know. I want to get back to the life I had when I first moved to Australia. I miss the city. At a time when people want to move away, I want to move closer to (or better yet, in) a big city.
  Having said this and the state of my mental health, I don’t think that the next podcast episode will arrive in the time frame I planned. No big deal because we have to look out after ourselves first, right?
  I just really wish that I had a normal functioning mind where the what-ifs don’t control me. I wish I didn’t constantly question myself and my decisions. I wish that the decisions that don’t make a difference in my life, um… don’t bother me as much. This is my struggle with anxiety right now.
  Things Are A Little Confusing Right Now But I Will Be Okay, I’m Sure
  9 August 2021 | Ben	
  Title says it all. Things are a little crazy at the moment.
  I recently applied for a new job that is across the state which presents many issues between my personal and professional lives. I am so stressed about making the right decision, but then again, I haven’t really gotten the new job yet.
  I applied for a job and was contacted for an interview in 3 days. I wasn’t expecting a result that fast, but my partner was very unhappy that I applied for work that is about four hours away from here. I got to carry a certain amount of guilt with me to the place, through the interview, and back again. I am waiting on their decision. Since my interview, I’ve been very sick. My jaw hurts. I’ve been getting headaches. It’s no fun at all. It’s at a place where I’ve wanted to work permanently for a long time.
  I still don’t know what to do, but at some point I’ll have to decide.
  That’s what’s stressing me at the moment. I hope that I have good news later–but will that “good” news be good? It remains to be seen. I just need to learn my fate from this company.
  See you around. 🙂
  #63: Isolation Blues
  22 July 2021 | Ben	
  If you’d like to subscribe to the podcast you can use Apple Podcasts or Google Podcasts.
  Building Up a Community
  20 July 2021 | Ben	
  Once upon a time, when the internet was new and shiny for regular people, I started unknowingly building a community of friends and followers. It was a simple website where I posted my thoughts and feelings of what it was like to be in a long-term relationship. I think people had a front seat into my relationship–the good, the bad, and the annoyingly frustrating. For some reason, people liked my style of being brutally honest and upfront with the way that I felt. As time passed, and after people recognising me in public, I stepped back and started censoring a lot of stuff. I think the way I explained things back then would be a privacy advocate’s worst nightmare. As time passed, I have learned what a horribly scary place the internet can be. I guess more than 20 years can do that to you, right?
  Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Pexels.com
  Sometimes I think about how I miss that little community. People would find me and talk to me for friendship. I was able to meet so many people around the world this way. I was able to expand my view of the world and become curious of what other parts of the world had to offer. This community of people that I built from scratch was paramount for my exploration. I am so thankful for that.
  A few times after this, I’ve attempted to rebuild a community of like-minded people through podcasting and for a while, I would say that was successful. Then I’d quit. Then I’d go back to it. Then I’d quit. The cycle never ends.
  I want to try to reconnect with strangers in a nice way–to bring people together. I’ve been trying, but I’ve also been failing at that spectacularly. I know that I have and I haven’t really done anything to improve that. I’d like to though, but my progress has been slow.
  Maybe one day I can rebuild that community through being myself. I will see how that goes. 🙂
  (And geez, I was looking for screen shots of my old sites and trust me, you don’t want to see them. Lots of ugliness and missing images. That’s no fun! I’ve been at this since 1998, by the way… I’m old!)
  Voice Gone
  16 July 2021 | Ben	
  I’m pretty sick right now, and I think I’ve promised one of my not-so-regular podcast episodes today. My voice is absolute garbage at the moment, and I am coughing a lot. I don’t think this is going to happen today. I’m 100% sure of it.
  I mentioned that I am not recording podcast episodes as often, and I guess this is proof. I’m not doing much of anything lately, am I? Not really. I did get the new car that I ordered a few months ago though, so I guess you’ll hear all about it at some point.