text: Problems with relationship with parents, brother and sister-in-law | Indusladies
  Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by savshen, Jun 5, 2011.
  savshen New IL'ite
  Well, today I need some insight into some issues that I have and need to get your thoughts.
  I know not all people think alike. But I am just trying to make things work better for me and my family, with a better understanding of things.
  I am married and have a lovely little daughter. My husband and I love each other and are happy.
  I am blessed with the best parents that I could have imagined. They brought me up with a lot of love and care and have been my strength during my toughest phases in life. They are very simple and the most unselfish people you can think of. I have been extremely close to them and share the most special relationship and have thanked my stars always to be blessed with such great parents!
  I have a younger brother who I adore and have had a wonderful relationship with all these years.He is happily married too.
  My parents are extremely adjusting and have left no stone unturned to make my SIL feel at home and have always treated her as a daughter.
  I have had serious trouble with my in-laws and because of this my marriage suffered a great deal for a few years. But with God's grace and everyone's efforts, my marriage is going great now and my relatonship with my in-laws is good too. My parents were my backbone during those tough years and my life wouldnt be the same without them in every sense.
  But lately I am having trouble dealing with my sister-in-law.
  My sister-in-law is a shrewd person. I have no qualms or insecurities about anything as such. So I have no reason to compete with her.. But she does.
  I know that once a man is married, his priority is his wife. I absolutely understand and believe this and have never interfered in my brother's life. I have tried being there for them, laugh and talk and never overstep the boundaries.
  Since they live with my parents and I go to visit my parents atleast once a week (sometimes more), there are lotsa interactions and with time she is getting meaner. She always pokes fun at me. She is not comfortable with my being close to my parents. She has commented on that. She takes liberties with me (I am very formal and value courtesies). She competes with me. I try and be gracious with her -say thank her for gifts, appreciate her for thins etc. But she never reciprocates. I know they are all simple things, but a lot of such things add up over time, dont u think?
  Also they feel they never want to take any help from me and my husband in future too (firstly the Indian society dictates that and another thing is because of my past troubled marriage/inlaw relations).
  I understand that and ofcourse dont want to get them in trouble. But when we grew up my brother and I were treated equally and just because I am married and 'sent-away' doesnt mean I cannot be there for them or help them.
  Firstly I feel as my parents are aging, they are getting dependent on my brother and SIL and are slowly drifting away from me. Since they are so important to me, this pains me a great deal!
  And this is compounded by my bad relations with my SIL.
  Should I continue to let my SIL treat me bad? If I object to that, I lose my parents in a way, ie if I stay away from my SIL, I need to stay away from my parents too!!!
  savshen, Jun 5, 2011
  priya0311, Sep 28, 2011, in forum: Married Life
  Serenity_John, May 4, 2008, in forum: Married Life
  Diya 08
  maya69, Jun 5, 2011
  monita, Jun 5, 2011
  There is nothing to worry in your case, Dear. Relax.
  kAlyaniShAnti, Jun 5, 2011
  Soumedh, Jun 5, 2011
  billybob, Jun 5, 2011
  Your parents are chosing to live that traditional way where son and dil become their life and daughter becomes an outsider. Don't blame your sil for the way you are feeling, your parents have decided on this setup. If your parents and brother lived seperately, then you and him would be on equal footing. Each of you would be valuable to your parents. But because they chose to depend on him the rest of their lives, they are naturally more inclined to favor him (and hence, his wife too).
  See it's not just your parents who are putting up with her, she is also putting up with them. In a situation where people have to live together, it's in everyones best interest not to stir up conflict. Try to ignore her and be happy that at least she is living with your parents and taking care of them. I'm a nice person, but even I would not want to live with my inlaws. So she must be nice in some way if she's willing to curtail her own freedom and happiness to live with your folks and support them. As for your brother supporting her, can you imagine how unbearable it would be for her to live in that house if even her own husband didn't support her? Your parents have each other in that house. If your brother sides with his parents just because they are his parents, then what happens to her? She will feel like it's 3 against 1. Probably your brother realizes what a sacrifice his wife is making for his sake. Also it is natural for a husband not to want to hear anything about his wife. My dh is the same way. As mentioned in another thread in this forum, my sil started complaining about me and my dh cut the phone.
  Continue to be a good daughter, a good wife, a good friend to your friends, a good sister, a good sil, a good dil.... and if anyone is bad to you, realize that the problem is probably somewhere in themself and they are just venting it out on you. At least that's what I try to tell myself when my sil is mean to me. Yes, you will still feel hurt and bad when someone is mean to you, but it helps to realize it may not be your fault.
  asuitablegirl, Jun 6, 2011
  Cut down your visits , your SIL will welcome you. There is absolutely no reason to visit parents twice a week or more. Go there only once in 15 days or on special occasions.
  Dont create problems for your parents in their old age. Wait to be invited for a change and things will improve.
  flowerlady, Jun 6, 2011
  Mahajanpragati, Jun 6, 2011
  Hi, Can't you simply ask her in a good natured friendly way if something about you or the family dynamic is bothering her? Rather than making all the assumptions, I find it best to be upfront and just ask.
  Also, brushing this under the rug, or not visiting them often is not a long term option - so you begin not visiting them, it only makes you feel more alienated from your parents, and you are going to feel resentful over time. And then if you reduce the frequency of your visits, over time visiting once a fortnight is also going to feel like a lot, what happens then? You obviously want to keep a closer relationship with them, so that's not going to work long term and you're going to end up unhappy. You could try reducing your visits and see if it helps, but it might not.
  Maybe you're already doing this, but have you tried to cultivate a relationship with her independent of your parents/brother? I mean take an interest in her out of context of her relationship with you beyond the "SIL, DIL" part? Its irksome if someone only cares about you in the context of their relationship because of someone else... KWIM?
  If I were you, I'd just ask her, and ask her not merely as a courtesy but like I really meant to resolve whatever the problem was.