text: The answer is not to avoid feeling sadness, but rather to allow ourselves to feel the sadness of having hurt another, leading us to a desire to be accountable and do better, rather than falling into defences of blame or shame which distances us from others. This can be easier said than done of course when experiences tap into old shame about not being good enough. Ring theory is a helpful concept whereby it is appropriate to go to those who are less impacted by whatever-has-happened than us for support, but not to expect support from those who are more impacted. For example, white people might go to other white people to grieve the impact of white privilege, or times they have acted in racist ways, rather than to people of colour.