text: -I don’t know why everyone hated host Seth MacFarlane so much. He gave us exactly what was advertised: a 14-year old boy in the body of a song-and-dance man. You’re surprised there were boob jokes? Come on. And I have to say I would rather see and hear Seth MacFarlane on stage than Billy Crystal, so it wasn’t unpleasant.
  -Speaking of Billy Crystal, what I missed and wanted more of were the bits that Crystal made famous. There were a couple brilliant moments, like the sock puppet reenactment of Flight and Seth and Sally Field in the green room—I loved both—but they were too few and far between. The Sound of Music bit was great too. I know they had it in them, I just wish there could have been more.
  -I loved the REAL Dancing with the Stars. Seeing Charlize Theron, Channing Tatum, Daniel Radcliffe and Joseph Gordon Levitt dance on stage at the Oscars was genius. These are A-list movie stars putting it out there. That’s why we watch this show.
  -Speaking of Daniel Radcliffe, I was struck with two thoughts when he was presenting with Kristen Stewart. One: how much cumulative box office revenue is on that stage (wow) and two: couldn’t Daniel had given Kristen a comb before they went on stage? Or a reason to live? She looked more uncomfortable than Joaquin Phoenix—if that’s possible.
  -I found it sadly ironic that Seth opened the show saying the theme of the Oscars was “music in movies” and yet they couldn’t even find a way to have all five nominated songs from this year performed on the show.
  -Speaking of the Best Song category, if you don’t know why Sound Mixing is a category at the Oscars, watch Adele’s live performance of the Oscar-winning song “Skyfall” again. The mix was terrible. We could hear Adele’s gorgeous instrument during the slow parts, but when the chorus kicks in and the orchestra and backing vocals are supposed to complement Adele’s ferociously decadent voice, they instead drowned it out, essentially muting the most popular singer on the planet. Good job, guys.
  -Speaking of being muted, if Catherine Zeta-Jones can’t hack it anymore to sing live while dancing, then DON’T INVITE HER. Having her so obviously lip-sync when Adele, Jennifer Hudson, the entire cast of Les Miserables (including Russell Crowe), Norah Jones and even Seth MacFarlane could sing live on the Oscar stage was pathetic.
  -Best line of the night: Argo producer Grant Heslov, accepting his Oscar for Best Picture, sandwiched by co-producers Ben Affleck and George Clooney: “I know what you’re thinking: the three sexiest producers alive.” Love it.
  -I love you, Octavia Spencer, for pronouncing Christoph Waltz’s name right.
  -Worst idea of the night: having Ted present. A shameless opportunity to remind everyone that Seth MacFarlane is both a voice artist and a filmmaker was bad from the start.
  -Worst presenters of the night: The Avengers cast (not really without Thor, but whatever). Was it just me, or was it a giant, ego blitz mess? And is Robert Downey Jr. trying to reinvent himself as a total ass? Well, it’s working.
  -Loved the Jaws play-off music.
  -I don’t care what anyone says, the Les Miserables number gave me goosebumps. And good for you, Russell Crowe, for taking all the criticism in stride and having the balls to show up and sing live on stage, knowing all the haters that are out there.
  -Barbra, you’ve still got it.
  -Not sure what was wrong with Renee Zellweger, but she looked older than Emannuelle Riva.
  -Finally, I’m not afraid to say how much I hated Michelle Obama presenting Best Picture. We’re in a world here for three and a half hours, why jerk us out of it. We watch the Oscars to see beautiful people in beautiful gowns celebrating moving pictures that entertain us and take us to other worlds and other experiences. It’s fantasy. I love Michelle Obama, but the only speeches I want to hear on Oscar night are acceptances.
  -And finally, as for me, I did pretty well with my picks. I went 21-for-24 with my predictions, which is better or equal to every single expert prognosticator out there who gets paid to do this for a living. That most certainly means next year I’ll get 3 right. But, for now, I’m basking in my predicting prowess and kicking myself for not being in Vegas.