text: President Christian McGuire, armed and dangerous (to the Scribe's cassette recorder), pounded the gavel four times to call the 3,111th meeting of the LASFS to order at 8:12 p.m. on March 27, 1997. Rob Cole moved to adjourn, Matthew Tepper moved to adjourn radioactively, and the Prez tabled both motions for lack of seconds. When all the moving, tabling and seconding of numerous variants of starting or stopping the meeting was finished, the self described unfortunate President tried to label the Scribe as suffering. When the Scribe refused to suffer, Rob Cole moved that the club suffer the Scribe. The motion was seconded and carried unanimously, unless that lone quack heard in the distance was a dissent.
  Not quite ready to suffer the Menace yet, Christian called on Matthew for a different type of suffering, a SPECIAL ORDER OF BUSINESS. Matthew informed us of the death of fan Seth Goldberg from the Bay area, best known to fandom as one of the Hugo Administrators. Seth's death was very sudden and unexpected: Ed Green sat at a table with him at a banquet on Sunday, when he appeared perfectly healthy. Seth contracted a stomach virus which resulted in rapid heart failure. Ed and Joanne Dow also announced the death of author Martin Caidin, who wrote Cyborg, the basis of the TV show "Six Million Dollar Man," and other well known science fiction works.
  Now that the atmosphere was sufficiently gloomy, it was finally time to suffer in earnest. Pie'd Typer Beth O'Brien read the MENACE, which were approved as a hot and steamy pile.
  Deciding that there was a need to lighten things up, Christian announced that tonight's PATRON SAINT is Sue Haseltine, who received three lusty cheers and a "Thank you for helping with the library for so long." The Prez then temporarily lifted the ban on AUCTIONs for the purpose of obtaining revenue for the parking spaces. Ed Green gouged a respectable $55.28 from the crowd.
  BUSINESS: Bob Null reported that the Board of Directors had voted to replace the carpeting in both buildings and asked for volunteers to assist with moving furniture et.al. in and out of the buildings. GUESTS: Acting Registrar Joyce Sperling introduced our only guest, tonight's speaker Chris Butler.
  ANNOUNCEMENTS: Ed Green verified that Sam Frank has been nominated as Fugghead of the Year and is in the lead with 10,000 points. Magic the Gathering is in second place, Rob Cole in third place, and Christian McGuire in fourth place. Ed Green reminded the group that the prize for winning the contest is a speech by the second place winner. Matthew Tepper promptly started chanting "Ed for Number Two!" Someone in the crowd nominated Ed and everyone took up the chant. There was an exchange of official salutes (demonstrations by Ed upon request), and then Ed announced the availability of his fanzine, "Minor Deviations," which included a foursquare demonstration of stapling technique. Christian announced the filming of "Jonny Quest" as a live action film in which Sean Connery has been cast as Dr. Benton Quest and Leonardo di Caprio will play Johnny. Rick Foss noted that the band "Boiled in Lead" will be performing in town next weekend. Rick will give more details next week about exact venues. Greg Barrett announced an e-mail fanzine named "Zocalo," which he thinks is one of the two best sources of information about "Babylon 5." Mike Donahue briefed us again about Tra La La Con, noting that David Gerrold will be here Saturday afternoon, April 26th. Membership is $10.005 before the con, $12.34 at the door, and the banquet is $3.00 or pot luck adjudged of equivalent value by Mike or Joyce. Dan Deckert passed around cards with his various e-mail addresses to fen interested in keeping in touch. Dan may be reached at:
  APPOINTIVE COMMITTEE REPORTS: Rick Foss told us about upcoming programming. There is no program scheduled for April 3rd, Fred Patten will host a presentation of the "Best of Japanese Animation" on the 10th, Victor Koman, author of The Jehovah Contract and Kings of the High Frontier, will speak on April 17th about the effect of the Internet on publishing, and on April 24th Tom Safer will host a cartoon show. Emperor Charles Lee Jackson II announced that the Memorial Day weekend FWEMS program will feature war movies, including "War of the Worlds," and June will feature "Put up Your Dukes" day. Mike Thorsen noted that there will be a work party at the clubhouse on April 6th for general cleaning as well as preparation for the installation of new carpet. ADDITION: Tim Merrigan informed us that the current edition of "De Profundis" is here and should be picked up by those present to avoid postage costs.
  FAANISH COMMITTEE REPORTS: Mike Stern reported that no less a source than "The New Times" has declared that Magic players belong to a cult. (Noted CLJ: That would explain the purple hoods!) Mike also shared stories about prosecuting attorney Luke Skywalker and rare coins imprinted with the likeness of Count Vlad Dracul, minted in the reign of the grandfather of the count of noted memory, who didn't mint any coins himself. According to Dale Hales, Sonny Boy was too busy staking out territory. Joe Zeff shared the tale of a client who couldn't make a modem connection because he had set the program to cancel the call if not answered within zero seconds. Loren Wilton reported that, at his 12th parole hearing scheduled for today, Charles Manson requested that he not be paroled because he's too busy with his website. Keep those tax dollars coming, folks! Ed Green apprised us that a new addition to the required reading list for army officer cadets at West Point is Robert A. Heinlein's Starship Troopers, news which was greeted with vociferous applause.
  REVIEWS: Christian read a book entitled Armor, author unremembered, which he found so good he had to finish it in one day. He described it as a good mystery/suspense piece about war in space. Rick Foss touted a story by Greg Benford appearing in this month's edition of "Science Fiction Age" about a habitat in Africa in which human beings can experience being animals through microchip technology. Techno problems: you can't tell whether other animals are real or inhabited by fellow humans, and the protaganist pair of tourists get stuck inside a pair of chimpanzees and can't get out. In Rick's opinion, this is the best story Benford has ever written. Christian thought that might explain the literary production of monkeys at the typewriter. Rick responded that if every redneck in the world were to take shotguns on the same day and go out and shoot up all the highway signs, you would get all the great works of literature in Braille. Matthew Tepper noted that he had just read a Benford novel with exactly, he did mean exactly, the same idea. Matthew was disappointed with the book, entitled Foundation's Fear, which is one of the continuing Foundation series books authorized by the Asimov estate.
  MISCELLANEOUS: Frank Waller spotted an announcement in "Quest" that they are casting for "Star Trek IX." Sandy Cohen observed that the second version of "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea," soon to air, has to be better than the first, which aired last Sunday. CLJII reported watching one of the "Chicago's Sons" episodes recently. He noted that the principal characters represent an interesting genetic experiment: there are three apparent brothers, one of whom is obviously Jewish, one of whom is clearly gentile, and the third of whom is obviously the son of Briscoe County Jr. Matthew observed that what that means is that one is Jewish, one is Italian, one doesn't talk, and one is uninteresting.
  The 3,110th meeting of the Los Angeles Science Fantasy Society was called to order by President Christian McGuire at 8:07 p.m. on Thursday, March 20, 1997. Matthew Tepper moved to adjourn the meeting. Alex Pournelle promptly moved to rename Matthew Tepper to Rob Cole. Both motions failed of a second, and the fun and frivolity continued unabated.
  Although Emperor Charles Lee Jackson, II, recalled no SPECIAL ORDERS OF BUSINESS to report, Matthew Tepper reminded him that Alexander Salkind, who produced various "Superman" and other related features, had passed away.
  Microphone cords had disappeared, so Christian called for the MENACE to be read in the whispered tones of Pie'd Typer Beth O'Brien. The scribe rallied to the situation, however, calling upon sufficient powers of vocal projection to make the minutes heard by anyone absurd enough to want to listen, and they were approved as a color, a shade of purple-gray. "De Prof" editor Tim Merrigan questioned whether a vote on changes to the Standing Rules has to be announced in "De Profundis." Sexy and sensuous Treasurer Liz Mortensen read the relevant portion of the Bylaws, and it was concluded that we don't have to tell anyone about it before we vote on Standing Rule changes.
  Christian informed us that PATRON SAINT Dan Deckert is moving shortly to Iowa. We gave Dan three rousing cheers anyway and "you can have your fill of all the food you bring yourself." Christian was fending off questions about where in Iowa Dan is moving to when Dan came in the door. So we cheered him all over again and required him to come front and center to tell us something of his upcoming move. Dan will start work in Ames, IA, on April 7th as Program Manager for one of a group of companies being formed by a consortium of the Iowa public universities, the State of Iowa, and the largest businesses in Iowa for the purpose of transferring technology from universities or other government organizations to the public sector. Jerry Pournelle, at his sagacious best, observed that Iowa is actually not a bad place, really, but it is very cold there in winter. Underwhelmed by such wisdom, we all wished Dan, Danise, and their children a very happy trip.
  THERE WAS NO AUCTION! However, some speckled Easter eggs donated for auction by Frank Waller, who hadn't gotten the message, were passed out and enjoyed by many fen. There was OLD BUSINESS tonight: the second vote on an amendment to the Standing Rules regarding the Millennium Awards. There were several suggestions to amend the amendment which were ruled out of order, and the amendment was approved many to zero with four abstentions. Christian muttered that anyone who wanted further amendments could draft them and get their own damn signatures.
  Hawaii-bedecked Registrar Selina Phanara was invited to the front of the room to introduce our five GUESTS: Scott Heckard and Stephanie Dangott-Heckard from Granada Hills, Amber Jenkins from Canyon Country, and the son and grandson of long-time member Mr. (no first name given) Nagel. Both visiting Nagels are named Raoul and hail from Corpus Christie, TX. All of our guests were noisily welcomed.
  ANNOUNCEMENTS: Rick Foss announced upcoming programming: next week Chris Butler will show slides and discuss the art of illustrating science; Rick has no clue what the program will be on April 3rd since no one has suggested anything; and on April 10th, Fred Patten will host a Japanimation show. Ed Green notified us of the startling news that Sam Frank is in the lead in the Fugghead of the Year contest, having garnered approximately 10,000 votes! Cheers and applause broke forth...and third, and second. Mike Stern announced that he had just gotten a phone call from Heather and Jim notifying us that the club now has an official web page: www.lasfs.org. More cheers! (It was a generally cheery meeting.) Matthew Tepper told us that he is going to post four years of LASFS Menace and two years of Board of Directors' minutes. He is working at acquiring copies of all Menace of the '90's from the various scribes so that all can be posted. Fred Patten reported that the schedule for the world animation celebration next week is changing moment by moment by moment by moment. You're just going to have to show up to find out what is being played in real time. Greg Barrett informed us that the library has acquired two new books from NESFA Press: His Share of Glory, the complete short fiction of Cyril M. Kornbluth, and the Boscone Guest of Honor book, From the End of the Twentieth Century by John M. Ford. Len Moffatt announced that the Sherlockian con being held this Saturday in the clubhouse will include a reading by Phil Castora of a paper he has written about Mr. Holmes. Tim Merrigan announced that tonight is the "De Prof" deadline, and Hare Hobbs informed us that his green 21 speed bike has been stolen: Hare requested members to keep an eye open for the bike and let him know if it is seen. Mike Donahue updated us on the forthcoming Tra La La Con, which will be held on April 26th-27th, and promised that it will be pandemonium. Mike Thorsen noted that April 6th is clubhouse appreciation day, inviting all interested in keeping the clubhouse clean and in good repair to join the work party scheduled then.
  APPOINTIVE COMMITTEE REPORTS: Janis Olson declined to give a report on the Committee to Translate Club Stuff Into Moronics. Joe Zeff formally requested the dissolution of the Committee to Nominate Sam Frank as Fugghead of the Year. Committee dissolved, Sam alive and well and raising revenue for the club. CLJII announced that three new tapes are available for lending from the club's video collection: "The Crawling Eye," "The Comedy of Terrors," and "The Black Cat."
  FAANISH COMMITTEE REPORTS: Mike Stern told us of an article in this month's "Scientific American" about a man who tried to turn himself into a life raft by blowing up balloons. Seems that if you blow up enough balloons, air bubbles are deposited under the skin, turning the blowhard into a human whoopee cushion. The Guy with the Sideburns reported on a response to an e-mail test message entitled "Not Testing:" one recipient sent back a message saying "It is too a test!" Tom Safer shared the report of a young lady who deposited $3,800 in a midwestern bank and was credited with $38,000 instead. When she reported the error to bank staff, they denied that they could ever have made such a mistake until her husband wrote them a letter with proof of the error. (Does this bank take out-of-state accounts? My husband is dead!) Ed Green noted that he has only 790 days left before he retires, but who's counting? Matthew Tepper informed us that Matt LeBlanc has been cast as Major Don West in the movie production of "Lost in Space." Also, the government of Pakistan, which is funding a movie about its founder to the tune of $8 million, is complaining that Christopher Lee has been cast in the lead role. What's the problem with that? you ask. Seems that Pakistan doesn't relish Count Dracula portraying their founder.
  Christian gave a non-committee report, non-review warning: This weekend CBS will air one of the recent productions of "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." Christian then REVIEWed "City of Industry," which he thinks has an excellent script and good acting and to which he gave a Buchman rating of less than a minute. Hare Hobbs reported that he had finished reading Steve Barnes' Blood Brothers, a techno-horror which he enjoyed immensely. Richard Costas saw "Touch," starring Christopher Walken, which depicts the incredible hucksterism surrounding religious faith healers. Mike Stern added to the review of "City of Industry," noting that it is located in the area of Bandini Mountain. Christian added that the movie features many scenes set in parts of LA you'd rather not see for yourself.
  MISCELLANEOUS: Rick Foss is looking for someone to assist him with programming. He is extremely busy at work, likely to get busier, and needs help. Rick also noted that the outfit that produces La Phraoigh single malt scotch whiskey has a web page that is quite good, with great pictures of Scotland. Amongst other things, La Phraoigh is sponsoring a contest the prize for which is a year's supply of their product. Discussion ensued about what constituted a year's supply of this single malt whiskey. Rick opined that if you drink a bottle a day it's likely to turn into a lifetime supply since you won't survive the year. At the behest of Mike Thorsen, Christian reminded us that we need donations to buy more and better places to park our asses.
  President Christian McGuire called the 3,109th meeting of the LASFS to order on March 13, 1997 at 8:14 p.m. Rob Cole moved to adjourn before the auction. A second was received, and then the Guy with the Sideburns, Joe Zeff, moved to table the motion until the end of the auction. The motion to table lost many to few, and the assembled fen then voted not to adjourn yet.
  There were no SPECIAL ORDERS OF BUSINESS, so the Prez called on Pie'd Typer Beth O'Brien to read last weeks minutes in dulcet tones. The scribe complied, reading the MENACE in a lyrical, mellifluous, melodious, musical, silvery and sweet manner. Joe Zeff suggested the removal of the scribal editorial comments explaining the striking of Sam Frank. The scribe denied the request, choosing to exert the motherly manner for which she has long been recognized and afford what little protection might be possible in the situation to the beleaguered Christian. Despite the honeyed delivery and the motherly demeanor, the minutes were approved as touched - IN THE HEAD!
  PATRON SAINT Gavin Claypool was introduced by Christian, with a note about the many years during which he confused Gavin with Galen Tripp. The members gave Gavin three dissonant cheers to alleviate the smaltzy atmosphere and gave Christian 64K of memory so he won't make that mistake again. A short AUCTION was held, with Christian acting as the boisterous auctioneer.
  BUSINESS: Christian reported on the Board of Directors' meeting held last Sunday, noting that the Board had authorized the expenditure of up to $2,000 for new carpeting, which will be dark brown with just enough speckles to hide stuff. The theory is that carpet the color of dirt will only require vacuuming, and look better than the current gray stuff that shows all spots in perpetuity. Christian also told us that at the beginning of the meeting there was only $8,000 in the treasury, which changed when LOSCON 23 passed on $15,002.66. A hearty round of applause was given to the cheap SOB - no honeyed or mellifluous stuff there - who had chaired the LOSCON 23 committee.
  The following motion amending the Standing Rules was presented to the club (NOTE: no copy of motion given to scribe, this is straight off the tape, please correct as necessary):
  MOVED: That we add the following sentence to the administration section of the Millenium Awards in the Standing Rules: "The Board may, at its discretion, cancel the Millenium Awards in any year where fewer than three categories have enough nominations to be considered." The full wording of the administration section will now read as follows:
  The LASFS Board of Directors shall appoint an Administrator of the Millenium Awards, hereafter the Administrator. All paperwork regarding the Millenium Awards shall be funnelled through the Administrator. The Board may remove the current Administrator at any time for sufficient cause. Whenever the office of Administrator is vacated, the Board shall appoint a new one. The Board may, at its discretion, cancel the Millenium Awards in any year where fewer than three categories have enough nominations to be considered.
  Discussion ensued. The motion was put to a vote and carried many to nothing with two abstentions. The motion will be voted on again next week, as required for a change to the Standing Rules.
  While a search committee was sent to look for Registrar Selina Phanara, Christian McGuire noted that the Library was looking for book sponsors to purchase items desired by the Librarian for which there are no funds available. Coincidently (Ha! Ha! Ha!), Bruce Pelz is offering a 40% discount on the books listed, and all donations will be welcome to supplement the Library collection. Mike Donohue reported that there are now flyers for Tra La La Con - Singapore Girls? - which will be held in April. David Gerrold will attend, the Moffatts are Fan Guests of Honor, and Selina is the Artist Guest of Honor. A medieval banquet will be held, pot luck or $3.00 admission, with live entertainment. It was noted that Joyce Sperling wants to chain Selina Phanara to the wall (applause, applause.) The shamelessly self-promoting scribe will be running around in a cook outfit. GUEST: Registrar Selina Phanara announced that there were no guests tonight. ADDENDUM: Guest Carole A. Sperling from Hawthorne, CA., who learned of the LASFS from friends, attended the meeting but arrived too late to be introduced.
  ANNOUNCEMENTS: Joe Zeff reported that tomorrow is Pi Appreciation Day, which is celebrated at 1:59. Many stunned looks and grunts of "Hunnhh?" elicited an explanation from the Guy with the Sideburns: On 3/14 at 1:59 Pi Appreciation Day is celebrated. Members whose geometry teachers had not struggled in vain groaned in delayed appreciation. Joe went on to announce that the annual Bulwer Lytton Contest for Bad Opening Lines is up and running. The final date for submissions is April 15th. See Joe for the website address. Rick Foss announced upcoming programs; there were no changes in the schedule since last week because Rick's been too busy for this stuff. A grateful scribe declines to recap items listed in past minutes. Emperor Charles Lee Jackson, II, announced that the March issue of Amazing Adventures is available - see him. A new comic strip featuring Hector the Gila Monster starts in this issue. Len Moffatt reported that there will be a one day Sherlockian/mystery type con held in the clubhouse on March 22, 1997, sponsored by the Blustering Gales of the Southwest.
  COMMITTEE REPORTS: Mike Stern reported the expected results of the fixed Magic tournament: he won, to his great enjoyment, and Drew Sanders came in second. CLJII announced that the 20th anniversary of occupancy of the current clubhouse is approaching near the end of the summer and a banquet, probably catered by Chef's Takeout, will be held on the premises to celebrate the occasion. Attendance will be limited, and members are urged to buy tickets early once the date and price are decided. Charlie noted that he has seen 78 films so far this year and that FWEMS this month, programmed by Matthew Tepper, will feature films of Alfred Hitchcock. Joe Zeff rose to announce that, as of Second Sunday, the Committee to Nominate Guess Who as Fugghead of the Year had collected $87. Joe had also received a letter from Sam Frank telling him what Sam thought of him. Joe said he was going to say what he thought of Sam publicly by donating the remaining $13 needed to bring the total up to the amount required for Ed Green to consider Sam's nomination. He noted that the committee was proud to report success and then requested that the President drive a steak through its heart, provided only that it be Porterhouse.
  FAANISH COMMITTEE REPORTS: Still holding the floor, Joe reported on a customer who had difficulty seeing the choices on the menu bar until Joe had him read them aloud. The homonymically sympathetic Beth O'Brien informed the group of a school which erroneously announced "Tee-Shirt Appreciation Day" instead of "Teacher Appreciation Day."
  REVIEWS: Hare Hobbs enjoyed a two CD set entitled "Space and Beyond" by a Czech orchestra which features @10 minutes of space sound effects in between themes from various series and movies. Hare noted that the sound effects might be useful for costumers planning masquerade entries. Rick Foss gave the current edition of "Fantasy & Science Fiction" a glowing review. Three authors were commissioned to write stories based on the cover art and came up with three different types of stories: one is a comedy piece, one is a legitimate science fiction piece, and the third is a horror piece. Rick noted that this is one of the last editions to come out under the editorship of Christine Catherine Rush and is a really worthwhile edition. George Mulligan reported that Compaq Computer is considering changing a command from "Press any key" to "Press Return key" to take the strain off their tech support people, who have trouble trying to tell customers where the <ANY> key is located. Still won't work, George. Most return keys are labeled "Enter."
  MISCELLANEOUS: Hare Hobbs shared Steve Barnes's unmercifully complicated web page address: http://www.teleport.com/~djuru/index.html. Frank Waller announced goodies for sale. Don Wenner informed us that he has been training to be a docent at the Autry Museum of Western Heritage. The connection with SF? Some of the people there are really spaced out. As part of the training process, Don has to give four tours with about five people in each. If any member is interested in a free tour, see Don while he is still in training. Michelle Sparr announced a job opening at JPL for anyone with five years of software testing experience.
  Rob Cole moved not to adjourn, seconded by Joe Zeff. The motion failed many to two, and the meeting was adjourned at 9:15 p.m. or thereabouts - I forgot to write down the time.
  Armed with two, count 'em two, gavels, President Christian McGuire vehemently crashed the 3,108th meeting of the LASFS to what it laughingly considers order at 8:17 p.m. on March 6th, 1997. Irrepressible Rob Cole squared off with the two-fisted President and moved to adjourn. The motion was ignored, as usual.
  There were no SPECIAL ORDERS OF BUSINESS. Pie'd Typer Beth O'Brien read the last week's MENACE, after which Prez McGuire called for additions, corrections, removals, etc. Francis Hamit was recognized and commented on the accuracy of the Menace from two weeks ago. The scribe responded that the Menace accurately reported what had been said, and that misinterpretations by others were their own problem. Prez McGuire had a correction and a removal from last week's Menace. Since Sam Frank was not recognized by the President in last week's meeting, the scribe was directed to strike Sam (note to Sam: that's not what Christian said, just the scribe's fuggy attempt to liven up the minutes) - correction - to strike all mention of Mr. Frank and his comments from the minutes, with strikeouts preferably. Rick Foss noted that, when speaking about Charlie Jackson's movies, "new" is a very relative term. Yeah, verily!! After kicking around a Latin phrase used in the minutes by the classically educated scribe, Rick Foss moved that the rest of the minutes be translated into Latin. Good Luck to You!, replied the scribe, or words to that effect. The fuggy minutes were accepted as fogged.
  Christian notified us that, for all those who suffered from coercion by the Evil Empire, Marcia Workman had Girl Scout cookies in the back of the room. Ravening fen raced rearward as PATRON SAINT Dave Fox was given three crumby, er, lusty cheers and a country whose overseas possessions are enormously greater in land mass than the mother country. Staying on the topic of sainthood, Christian read a letter from Ste. Marjii Ellers indicating that she had made yet another donation to the LASFS, which had transformed her life.
  Ed Green was cajoled into running yet another AUCTION to get rid of crap on the front table. Demonstrating Ed's ability to sell refrigerators to Eskimos, Barry Workman bought replacement cookies while Marcia continued to distribute the Girl Scout variety. Christian informed us that Barbara Hambly has written a murder mystery set in New Orleans in the 1840s called A Man of Color. Bruce Pelz is taking orders from those interested.
  BUSINESS: Ed announced the current standings of the officially nominated candidates in the Fugghead of the Year Contest: Magic the Gathering is in the lead with 587 1/2 points, Rob Cole follows with 281 points, and Christian McGuire is bringing up the rear with a mere 187 points.
  GUESTS: Registrar Selina Phanara introduced visitors Tyler Stallings and Naida Osline of the Huntington Beach Art Center, who had heard about the club on "Hour 25." Tyler informed the meeting that the Center is going to present an exhibition from July 27 through September 21, 1997 entitled "ARE WE TOUCHED? Forbidden Knowledge from Outer Space." He said the Center is seeking artwork and artifacts from folk artists, trained artists, scientists, ufologists, and cultural theorists and asked anyone interested in this exhibition opportunity to contact the Center with their proposal. Are we touched? What a straight line in this group: I N T H E H E A D!
  ANNOUNCEMENTS: Bill Rotsler rose to share with us personally the fact that he has been diagnosed as having oral cancer and will have his face fried for the next several months. He emphasized that the prognosis is good, he'll just glow in the dark after five weeks or so. Mike Glyer reminded us that all members of LA Con III are eligible to submit nominations for this year's Hugo Awards and urged us to do so. Mike Stern informed us that the clubhouse would once again be overrun with Magicians at tomorrow night's fixed tournament.
  COMMITTEE REPORTS: Joe Zeff announced that the Committee to Nominate the Obvious has raised $75 and urged the membership to keep the money coming. Mike Thorsen reported that the Committee to Keep the Clubhouse Presentable had met on Sunday and accomplished a reasonably respectable amount of work. They will convene next month on the first Sunday at about Noon. Joyce Sperling encouraged us to buy memberships for TraLaLa Con, which is less than two months away. Her announcement that Len and June Moffatt will be the Fan Guests of Honor was received enthusiastically by the assembled fen. Tee shirts with Selena Phanara's artwork will be available up to an unprecedented size 10X. At last - Faannish Extra Large! Rick Foss gave us an update on programming. Eugene Volokh will speak tonight, next week will be a grand auction, and Tom Safer will present Cartoon Classics on the 20th. Artist Chris Butler will return on March 27th to show slides and talk on the art of scientific illustration. Fred Patten will present a Japanimation show after the first meeting in April. Prez McGuire announced that after next week's auction, the following three meetings will have no auction so that we can give more time to other agenda items. Matthew Tepper cheered and Allen Rothstein bid five cents to bring auctions back. Emperor Charles Lee Jackson and Matthew Tepper jointly announced that FWEMs will be hosting a Hitchcock special this month featuring films such as "The Lady Vanishes," "The Trouble with Harry" and "Family Plot." There will also be a picnic of the "bring your own protein, buy beverages from the club, and enjoy chips, dips and cookies etc. provided for free" variety. Beth O'Brien noted that Marcia has lots of cookies for sale; Charlie responded that donations are always welcome. Second Sunday events were announced by Mike Stern and Christian McGuire - that cheap SOB - who will be telling the Board how much money LOSCON 23 will be passing on to the club. Tim Merrigan announced that "De Prof's" deadline is March 20th.
  REVIEWS: Mike Thorsen announced a Community Theater presentation this coming Sunday at Emmanuel Lutheran Church on Radford which includes a presentation of "Revenge of the Space Pandas." The perspicacious scribe noted that this was an announcement, not a review. Hare Hobbs reviewed a new TV series called "Spy Games," which he thinks is very well done with multiple cameos by stars of former spy shows.
  MISCELLANEOUS: Ed Green decided to add to the levity - and longevity - of the meeting by noting that LASFS meeting number 3,103 was tabled but never adjourned. Ed therefore moved to adjourn the meeting of January 30th, 1997. Joe Zeff promptly moved to put the motion on the table. Joe's motion was never seconded, Ed's motion carried, and the tired old meeting was finally laid to rest. Phil Castora stated categorically that there is absolutely no truth to the rumor that the MTA has commissioned a study for $10 million dollars to figure out how to strap more passengers to the sides and the tops of the buses. Mike Thorsen made another stab at reviewing "Revenge of the Space Pandas" again, saying it was very good, very well acted, and a very comfortable theater. He then asked the scribe to flop the two in the minutes. (Request denied.) Matthew Tepper informed us sadly that www.amazon.com announced Larry Niven's death three weeks ago. Tepper said he would try to let them know that Niven is still alive and well, thank you. Ed Green said maybe we should speak to Niven about cloning. Allan Rothstein said he saw the Howard Stern movie - talk to him if you want his opinion. Joanne Dow shared that there is now a $500 fine for setting off a nuclear device in the city limits of Chico, payable to whomever is left to collect it. Rick Foss had an addendum to a previous review of www.bigbook.com, which he thinks would be a real great system if it worked but it doesn't. It still has businesses which have been defunct for more than five years, shows the position of his business in the middle of the El Segundo oil refinery, and has bad location indicators. Francis Hamit added that, once info gets on the Internet, it is impossible to get it changed. Christian called upon Liz Mortensen to express her opinion on the fiscal conservativeness of the LOSCON 23 chairman. Quoth Liz: "He's a cheap son of a bitch."
  Vice President Joe Zeff was unable to believe that the scribe had the correct meeting number on her outline form for taking minutes, so he tried to gavel the already adjourned 3,114th meeting of The Los Angeles Science Fantasy Society to order at 8:12 p.m. The scribe protested, and the 3,115th meeting was called to order on April 24, 1997 at 8:13 p.m. Matthew Tepper tried the Rob Cole maneuver and moved to adjourn. There was no second to the motion so the meeting continued.
  There were no SPECIAL ORDERS OF BUSINESS. Pie'd Typer Beth O'Brien was asked to read the Menace of the last meeting, which were applauded and approved as out and about. PATRON SAINT Bill Warren was given three cheers and exhorted to keep watching the skies. Matthew Tepper ably conducted an AUCTION, raising lots of money for the club - much of it from parking spaces receiving generous price supports from Treasurer Robbie Cantor.
  BUSINESS: Bruce Pelz asked if the LASFS would like to accept a new duplicating machine as a gift from SCIFI, with certain parameters. Bruce observed that the current machine is old, cantankerous, and somewhat messy, like a lot of LASFS members, but it works, unlike many a LASFS member. The proposed donation is a new Gestetner photocopier/mimeograph machine, next to the top of the line, which can reduce and enlarge as well as print in color. The gift comes with a service contract good for 100,000 copies or one year, whichever comes first. The service contract can be extended by the club in the future for $476.00 per year. The parameters are that: 1) Access be limited only to people checked out in the use of the machine, which has both key and user code security devices; and 2) The machine must be secured. Discussion ensued, with lots of members looking into the horse's mouth. Good sense finally prevailed: A motion to accept the donation passed many to one.
  GUESTS: Greg Barrett was Acting Registrar this evening. He introduced Phil Therou of Culver City and Eric Luchsinger of Carter Lake, Iowa. The guests were warmly welcomed and given a round of applause.
  ANNOUNCEMENTS: Fred Patten announced that he has finally received a supply of the March issue of "YARF!" for sale. Tom Safer announced that the Angeles Chorale and the UCLA Chorale will be performing the Brahms "[German] Requiem" and the Verdi "Ave Maria" on June 7th - see him for further information.
  APPOINTIVE COMMITTEE REPORTS: Emperor Charles Lee Jackson, II, reminded members that they can bypass the informational greeting when calling the LASFS to leave a message by pressing the <*> key. He also noted that there will be no FWEMS presentation this month, since the time has been usurped by Tra La La Con. Next month, however, will feature a special Memorial Day presentation on the theme of "The Recent Unpleasantness." Tim Merrigan announced that the current issue of "De Profundis" is here. This is the 300th issue and is 38 pages long. Tim has printed his entire backlog of reviews, letters, etc. that have been waiting for space. The Guy With the Sideburns announced that tonight's program will be a Daffy Duck cartoon special presented by Tom Safer and that next week's program is open. The Emperor reminded members that elections for all procedural offices will be held at the second meeting in June, with nominations for President accepted at the first meeting of that month. Mike Donahue set visions of Tra La La Con dancing in our heads, after which Mike Stern invited us to visit www.lasfs.org, which has lots of old Menace available for perusal. [Including, now, these! -- MBT]
  REVIEWS: Hare Hobbs described Kevin Anderson's Fallout as a good book, not anything special, but enjoyable. Len Moffatt talked about the "Los Angeles Times" Book Fair at UCLA last Saturday, where he saw Hare asleep on the lawn. Jeff Stansfield reported that the recent space launch to insert Gene Roddenbury's ashes into orbit for six years went well, with no glitches. Jeremy Bloom saw a nicely written IMAX film at the Luxor Hotel in Las Vegas about the first L5 colony on the moon which, when running out of water, captures a comet by landing on it - a feat he thought might be difficult to pull off.
  FAANISH COMMITTEE REPORTS: Matthew Tepper regaled us with a story of poetic justice: A lit cigarette carelessly discarded by a smoker working at the $1 million luxury home of the President of the R. J. Reynolds Tobacco Company reduced it to a row of charred pilings. Cecil Rose joyfully announced the birth of his second grandchild, Audrey. The proud grandpa will be joining the rest of the family to celebrate the event as soon as he can get out of town. Joe Zeff reported that, on a recent visit to the "Useless Pages" on the web, he found The Eye of Argon, misspellings, typos, no ending, et. al.
  MISCELLANEOUS: Jeff Stansfield related the story of some high school kids who prepared and distributed a publicity flyer announcing that the high school science club had analyzed the local water supply and found a high concentration of hydro oxide in the water, which has been known to cause hydration and death. The results were similar to Orson Welles' broadcast in 1939 - great panic, people boiling tap water to avoid hydration, and lots of fun for those in the know. The Emperor announced that various television broadcasting networks will be running sitcoms and other shows in 3D next month. Charlie will make available the special glasses needed to view these broadcasts effectively from the LASFS's supply of same - anyone interested should see him. Janis Olson gave a Perversity of Leisure report about elephants in South Africa, which are currently in overabundant supply. Following criticism by environmentalists for culling the herd, a park administrator tried to solve the problem by placing the female elephants on the pill, with results contrary to expectations: increased interest by bull elephants.