docs: def parse(
      text   = None,
      humour = 75
      ):
      """
      Parse input text using various triggers, some returning text and some for
      engaging functions. If triggered, a trigger returns text or True if and if
      not triggered, returns False. If no triggers are triggered, return False, if
      one trigger is triggered, return the value returned by that trigger, and if
      multiple triggers are triggered, return a list of the values returned by
      those triggers.
  
      Options such as humour engage or disengage various triggers.
      """
      triggers = []
  
      # general
  
      if humour >= 75:
          triggers.extend([
              trigger_keyphrases(
                  text       = text,
                  keyphrases = [
                               "image"
                               ],
                  response   = "http://i.imgur.com/MiqrlTh.jpg"
              ),
              trigger_keyphrases(
                  text       = text,
                  keyphrases = [
                               "sup",
                               "hi"
                               ],
                  response   = "sup home bean"
              ),
              trigger_keyphrases(
                  text       = text,
                  keyphrases = [
                               "thanks",
                               "thank you"
                               ],
                  response   = "you're welcome, boo ;)"
              )
          ])
  
      # information
  
      triggers.extend([
          trigger_keyphrases(
              text       = text,
              keyphrases = [
                           "where are you",
                           "IP",
                           "I.P.",
                           "IP address",
                           "I.P. address",
                           "ip address"
                           ],
              function   = report_IP
          ),
          trigger_keyphrases(
              text       = text,
              keyphrases = [
                           "how are you",
                           "are you well",
                           "status"
                           ],
              function   = report_system_status,
              kwargs     = {"humour": humour}
          ),
          trigger_keyphrases(
              text       = text,
              keyphrases = [
                           "heartbeat"
                           ],
              function   = heartbeat_message
          ),
          trigger_keyphrases(
              text       = text,
              keyphrases = [
                           "METAR"
                           ],
              function   = report_METAR,
              kwargs     = {"text": text}
          ),
          trigger_keyphrases(
              text       = text,
              keyphrases = [
                           "TAF"
                           ],
              response   = report_TAF,
              kwargs     = {"text": text}
          ),
          trigger_keyphrases(
              text       = text,
              keyphrases = [
                           "rain"
                           ],
              response   = report_rain_times,
              kwargs     = {"text": text}
          )
      ])
  
      # actions
  
      triggers.extend([
          trigger_keyphrases(
              text       = text,
              keyphrases = [
                           "command",
                           "run command",
                           "engage command",
                           "execute command"
                           ],
              response   = command()
          ),
          trigger_keyphrases(
              text                          = text,
              keyphrases                    = [
                                              "restart"
                                              ],
              function                      = restart,
              confirm                       = True,
              confirmation_prompt           = "Do you want to restart this "
                                              "program? (y/n)",
              confirmation_feedback_confirm = "confirm restart",
              confirmation_feedback_deny    = "deny restart"
          )
      ])
  
      if any(triggers):
          responses = [response for response in triggers if response]
          if len(responses) > 1:
              return responses
          else:
              return responses[0]
      else:
          return False