- Quick shout out to Sun Basket
for sponsoring this episode.
(hard rock music)
- When that black bear came
up to my brother and I's camp,
we were both frozen to death.
We were terrified.
- This team, it's a family,
like, even at Defy, we're
like, it's a family!
But this is a family.
- Back in the Sacramento days,
our neighbor almost got in a
fist fight with our director.
- Shayne, you go on runs.
- Yeah, and see,
now that I have a mustache.
(laughter)
If I come across a serial
killer, they'll be like,
"Oh, you're one of us, right?"
(laughter)
And I'm like,
"Oh, no, no, no,"
and he's like, "Aw, (bleep)."
(hard rock music)
- Yeah, welcome.
Welcome, welcome, welcome
to another Smoshcast,
in our safe, in the safety
of our own domiciles.
- That's right.
- Domiciles, we are extra
docile in these podcasts.
- So we have to just, right off the bat,
we need to talk about Shayne's look.
So, for those that are listening,
and they're not watching the video,
which you can watch on
YouTube.com/Smoshcast,
I believe that's a thing.
Shayne looks like somebody
combined Gus Johnson and Henry Cavill.
- Whoa, a CG Henry Cavill-
- I, see, what I feel like I look like,
and what I've gotten
the most references to,
is Gus Johnson and Nicolas
Cage from Raising Arizona.
- Oh!
Dang, yeah!
- Yeah, that's crazy.
- The mustache definitely,
there's something to it, man,
'cause as soon as I shaved off
the rest of my facial hair,
and just left this, I felt different.
I feel-
(laughter)
I feel simply more powerful,
I feel like there's an
aura around me that,
I just, I'm immediately less
concerned with most things.
You know, I can wear whatever I want now,
I, there's really not much
stopping me from just walking out
in a tee shirt and underwear.
There's just a freedom there.
- I'm just, I'm allergic
to narcissism. (laughs)
- You know, it's not me.
I don't believe in myself, I
just believe in the mustache.
- Yeah.
- The mustache is my god,
it's actually my new,
it's, you know how everyone has a center,
they're either head
centered, chest centered,
or hip centered?
I am now mustache centered.
- You lead with your
mustache when you walk.
- I lead with my mustache when I walk.
- How long do you think
you're gonna keep the stache?
- Well, I have to keep
it for at least a week,
because we're shooting the second part
of Gosh Darn (bleep) News next week.
- Nice, oh my gosh, yes!
- I have to, I,
so you know, 'cause we shoot
Gosh Darn Fuckin' News,
we shoot in different parts,
we shoot a bunch of the
sketchy type stuff at first,
and then we wait so that we
are, we're up on the news,
and then we shoot all of that
the day before it comes out.
So we shot a bunch of it already,
so I need to keep the
mustache for continuity.
- Love that, dude-
- That was my excuse, that
was my excuse to lock it in.
- Yeah, Gosh Darn Fuckin'
News, if you guys haven't seen
the first episode, go watch
it, it's a lot of fun.
- It's super silly.
- It's on the main channel,
and we decided that, hey,
I mean, you guys seem to like it at home,
so let's make some more.
So we're coming out with a
second Gosh Darn Fucking News,
or if you've gotta say
it around your parents,
or you know, Christian friends,
you could just say GDFN.
- It's the spiciest news show on YouTube.
We're talking about everything.
- This news show has everything!
- That's right, that's right.
Except for the news, we
don't really cover the news,
we just, but-
- There is news in there, there's some-
- There's a little bit of news.
- Yeah, there's some good news, you know.
- Yeah.
- Good news, bad news.
Bad News Bears.
- We probably won't sell
our news show to CBS Viacom.
- We got some good characters in there.
It's gonna be a place to
try new characters out.
Oh my God, I have a new character, guys.
- Okay.
- But first, I just
really want to get back
to the mustache thing,
I think it's really,
I think it's really cool, this whole,
at first it was quarantine beard,
and now it's quarantine
stache, so Ian, you're next.
Bring the stache, por favor.
- I'm working on my quarantine
bowl, as you can see-
- I'm so happy.
- My bowl haircut.
- Look, it's whipping to
the left and everything!
- Oh it has a complete
memory of what it used to be.
My hair knew exactly, once
it got to a certain length,
it's like, oh, we back to the
bowl? Oh, we back to the bowl.
- It's in your DNA.
- It honestly is.
- Amazing.
- It's very strange, and I
don't particularly like it,
but I don't really have a choice.
So I've just been-
- My house is a cage, dude.
- I mean.
- Would you care to elaborate on that?
- I mean, not really, but- (laughs)
- No, I'm totally, I've, guys,
sorry, I don't lay on
the sarcasm thick enough,
but my sister actually
saged my place yesterday.
- Hmm, no more ghosts.
- I was a little scared
of just like, you know,
I don't, I'm not convinced there's ghosts
in this apartment, but if there was,
wouldn't it be nice to clean 'em up,
and get rid of 'em?
And also, like, I've never
really done any saging
or anything like that before,
I'm like, sure, I believe
in positive energy.
Ian, Shayne, I saw that little snicker.
- I was laughing at the
idea of your guardian angel
getting burned up when
you're burning the sage.
(laughter)
(mimics screams)
I'm here to protect you!
(laughter)
- Yeah, they never say that,
there could be good spirits
in your house that you're burning away.
- I think so, but it was also,
it's also this place, since
the work-life separation
isn't really a thing anymore,
and sometimes it can be stressful,
and I'm here all the time,
I used to, when I wasn't home as much,
I used to come home and be
like, my place is so awesome,
I love my home!
But since I'm here all the time, I'm like,
it's here, whatever,
I'm sick of everything.
So I asked my sister to
come and bring some sage,
and she did a whole
cleansing, and I honestly,
I feel a difference.
I know it's kinda dumb to some people,
but I don't know if it's
like the herb just gives
a positive smell, or if there's
genuinely an energy change,
but I feel good.
And I rearranged my bedroom yesterday,
or two days ago, completely.
- Oh yeah?
- That feels really good too,
change like that is so good.
- Did you put your bed in the
corner like I told you to?
- No.
- I don't have my bed
in the corner, but I,
there was a moment in my
life when I had my bed
in the corner.
- Yeah. I did that at my old place.
- There's a certain comfort
and security to being able
to just kind of crumple into
the corner of a bedroom.
- Yeah, at my old place, I
had my bed against the wall,
and it feels safe, because in a way,
you're less vulnerable,
'cause you're like,
in a corner.
I just flipped everything around,
and my decorations look
really good, I'm excited.
- Putting your bed in
the middle of the bedroom
is king (bleep).
- It is royal as (bleep).
- Space on all sides.
- Just put your bed in
the middle of the room,
like not even, just. (laughs)
- Dude, that's some
unrealized king (bleep).
- And if you get a circular mattress.
- You ever seen somebody
with a bathtub in the middle
of their bathroom?
- Oh, I've seen them.
We've filmed in houses
that have those tubs.
- That's some upper level
king (bleep) right there.
- Yeah.
Talk about-
- Having a bathtub in the middle?
Or when the water comes
from the frickin' ceiling?
Have you ever seen that shit?
- Yeah, that's crazy, dude.
Literally, the water comes in from like-
- It drops from a, yeah.
It's, the funny thing is, so I went to,
I know somebody that has one of those,
and he lives in this ultra-modern house.
And I saw his, I saw his bath tub,
and I was like, "Oh,
(bleep), you got the thing
where the water comes from the ceiling?
That's tight"
And he's like, "Yeah,
actually, I never use it,
because the water comes down,
and it's coming from such a height
that it splashes everywhere."
And I was like, "Oh.
Yeah, I guess that is pretty dumb."
You would've thought that with, you know.
If you're gonna have something that money,
that you would've prepared for-
- What's the, it's not (bleep) design,
it's crappy design?
- Oh, I'm not aware, but-
- Yeah, crappy design is
if it's accidentally sucks,
and asshole design is when it's on purpose
to screw over the consumer.
(laughter)
- Yeah, those are some Reddit
pages that are pretty good.
- Oh man, I would love that.
- I just need water pressure, you know?
I want my head to just feel like
it's getting whacked with water.
- Yeah.
I want Poseidon to put
on the boxing gloves
and just to go to town.
- Bitch slap you?
- Yeah.
- I like the pressure.
(laughs) It got so quiet today!
- Making Courtney
uncomfortable with silence is-
- Oh, I'm down for
silence, but I just know
we got a pod to cast, so.
- What if we just did a podcast
that was an hour and a
half of pure silence?
- Just breathing?
- Yeah, just heavy breathing.
- Guys, I think I'm
officially the worst tenant
at my apartment building.
- Gee, I wonder why, it couldn't be
all the screaming for videos.
- Yeah, I gotta ask, I
gotta beg the writers,
like Monica and Curtain and Cole and Ryan
to please stop writing loud dialog for me,
I can't be screaming,
calling someone a sociopath
who needs professional help.
(laughs) And like, in my apartment,
'cause the Quarantine
Sweet 16, I don't know when
that video comes out yet.
- But have you had any, have
you gotten any complaints?
- Not yet, but the other day,
I got, it was the day,
or a day or two after
I had to do this really
long, screaming monologue.
And I had a letter in my mailbox
that was from the company
where I send my rent to,
and I was like, oh God,
is this a landlord leaving a note?
I'm so scared.
You know, I took it, I was
like, oh God, what do I do?
Do I text him and apologize
after I read the letter?
And I open it, and it was just like
a how to deal with COVID-19 flyer,
and I was like, God.
Okay.
But like, even the neighbor that I joke,
ha ha, she's so loud, she
yells on her phone and stuff,
I'm worse than her now!
- But you haven't had
anyone bang on your wall
or on, like-
- No, not, people are
more passive than that.
I feel like people
aren't super aggressive,
especially in this-
- You've got a problem.
- In this complex,
everyone's really nice, and-
- Usually, if people are truly bothered,
they'll give you the
old pound on the wall.
- Yeah.
Like, I was rearranging
my room the other day,
and I was like, moving heavy furniture,
and dropping stuff, I'm the worst!
I'm the worst! (laughs)
- I'm pretty sure you're not.
You're just very considerate.
You got a job to do, okay?
You know, sometimes you
gotta make some noise.
- Have you guys ever,
have you guys ever lived
in a place that had
the worst neighbors?
- Ooh.
Well, I mean, our neighbor,
back in the Sacramento days,
our neighbor almost got in a
fist fight with our director.
- Which neighbor, the scary
ones across the street?
- The scary one that lived next to us.
- Oh!
- We were doing an audition thing,
where we had to curse a lot outside,
and it's like, we didn't write that,
we were just doing an audition,
and he came out and he literally said,
"Stop (bleep) cursing."
- Whoa.
- He's like, "This is
a nice neighborhood!"
(laughter)
- You guys better (bleep)
stop cursing out there!
- And how did a fight almost happen?
- This is a (bleep) neighborhood of God!
(laughter)
- Yeah, he was like, "This is
a nice (bleep) neighborhood!"
And it's like, bro.
Your two neighbors are us and the highway.
- (laughs) Yeah, yep!
- It's not the best neighborhood,
it's not a nice, quiet neighborhood,
there's literally a thousand semi trucks
that drive by the house.
- Do you think he was just
building up frustration
from months and months of hearing you guys
being loud and filming all the time,
and it was like, this
was the final straw, or-
- I think it was like,
our roommate threw parties
at our house, semi-regularly.
- Oh, you were the party house.
- (mockingly) Yeah, party house.
(speaking normally) But since
he wore a suit for his job,
I think the neighbor
assumed that we were the,
we were the people always throwing parties
and (bleep) around.
And I think he was just going
through some personal stuff.
I think, really, a lot of neighborly anger
comes out at people, not
because of the neighbors
causing the problems necessarily,
but the problems that
are happening internally.
- That makes sense.
- Yeah, 'cause I think he got better,
and then when we moved out of the house,
but we were still shooting there,
all of a sudden, he got way nicer.
Way nicer to us, he's like,
"Oh, do you need me to move my cars?"
'Cause he would always park
his cars on the street.
And he got super nice.
But he did-
- That's good.
- He did actually get into a
fist fight with our landlord.
(gasps)
- That's awesome.
- Yeah, the landlord hated him.
- So he just really wanted to fight, huh?
He was just looking for a fight.
He just was like, I just really
want to test my strength,
I want to see if I really can land a few.
(laughter)
- I don't know, man.
I think he was just going
through some (bleep).
Back then, we were
really annoyed with him,
but now, I can look back and be like,
okay, he was probably just
going through some stuff.
- That's usually the case.
Shayne, have you ever had wild neighbors,
other than the ghosts in your apartments?
- Do you have ghosts in your apartments?
- No, I did.
I had weird stuff.
- They're on other episodes of things.
- Yeah.
That was forever ago.
Here, I've definitely
heard people yelling,
like a dog was barking a couple weeks ago,
and someone was like,
"Shut your (bleep) dog up!"
- Oh, come on!
- And then, I did hear my
landlord get in a fight
with some guy, and the guy
called her a (bleep) bitch,
and stuff.
(gasps)
People can get-
- Oh my God!
That's at your current place?
- That's at my current place.
- Recently?
- Yeah, I'll just sometimes
hear it, and I'll-
- Quarantine, man.
- Tensions are running high.
- Yeah.
It doesn't happen too often.
Overall, I have only once,
when I first moved in,
I was putting up frames, and
it was later in the night,
it was like 9:30, 10, so I get it,
and my landlord knocked on our door,
and was just like, "It's really loud."
That was all, but I think
that's 'cause it's like,
hammering against a wall
really goes to the next wall,
whereas if you're just being loud,
it doesn't always make
it through the walls.
I don't know.
I hope not.
- Yeah, I've gone out into my courtyard
and seen a couple tenants there,
and being like, "Hey, sorry about earlier,
my job requires me to do (mumbles),"
and like, "I don't (bleep) care."
But it's like, two
neighbors that don't live
directly next to me, or below me.
Everyone in my complex is really chill,
they all seem to hang out and talk,
and there's a young
mom who lives below me,
she gave me banana bread one time
that had chocolate chips in it.
- Oh shoot!
- They're really sweet, and
she has a dog that I might,
when things, like, when it's not super,
oh, I don't know if it's
okay to pet dogs right now!
Like, maybe I can offer
to take care of her dog
sometimes for her.
Take it on walks when she's too busy.
- You just want a fur baby.
- I literally have not touched a dog
since, I can't even remember,
since before Australia.
Like, it's been months.
- I'm telling you, man, just come through.
I'll put my doggie out front,
you could drive by, pet my dog,
she's relatively clean right
now, I gave her a bath.
- You did give her a bath, I saw.
Good job.
- She lost 30 pounds in fur.
- Do you ever, you
should get those brushes
that you get to comb out
the fur, it's so satisfying.
- That's what I, yeah, that's what I did.
- Those little metal combs?
- Mm-hmm.
- Nice.
- That's got the little
buttons so you, you, you know,
brush, and then you,
anyway, we're talking about dog fur.
It's not important.
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So bored, you've been through a year
of trials and tribulations,
that you've kind of, I mean, you've,
you know, we've talked
about it a little bit.
- Mm-hmm.
- Privately, but we've, you know,
out of respect for,
out of respect for you,
we've just kind of kept it
out of, out of the internet's view.
But you've been, you've been
dealing with some health stuff,
you're now in a better place.
- Yeah.
- You feel comfortable
talking about that now?
- Mm-hmm.
It's crazy, 'cause during all this wild,
insane pandemic stuff, some
people found an episode
of Why We're Bad, like,
me and Shayne's show,
where I'm like, guys, 2020,
I'm gonna focus on health!
It's gonna be really important!
And everyone's like, she
knew what was gonna happen!
And I didn't, at that point I wasn't ready
to talk about what I was actually meaning,
because I wasn't entirely
out of the woods yet,
but as of recently, through
all of this craziness,
I was somehow able to get to the doctor
and really be officially told I'm good.
Yeah, it's been almost a year.
I think in September-ish
was when I found out that I
had cancerous cells in my body,
and it was severe.
And I was so, so floored at that,
dude, that changed me for months.
Like, you guys saw me go through it.
Shayne was right next to me
as I was figuring stuff out
in the office, like,
it was during a work day, actually,
I almost wish Monica was here,
because I had gotten my
checkup, and Monica and I
had gotten lunch, and
we were driving back,
and I was like, oh, a phone call.
I'm sure it's gonna be fine,
and I answer it on speaker,
and my doctor's like,
"Hi, we got some test results back,"
and it was like, oh, and
Monica was like, "Oh my God."
But yeah, it was really scary.
I mean, like-
- And this is lady business stuff, right?
- This was, yeah, so I had,
they were concerned that I was
gonna have cervical cancer.
- They found pre-cancerous
cells in your cervix?
- Yes, and it was severe, it was like,
I forget, it's T3, what they call it?
Or C3 or something like that?
But it was really frustrating,
because she would use severe,
and the doctor would use those words,
but then she'd be like "But
no rush, if you want to like,
come in, and we can figure," I'm like,
"We need to figure this out now!"
I was like, there's no way
I'm just sitting on this,
even though I had to,
ended up having to just sit
and deal with it for months,
because I wanted to get another
opinion from another doctor,
and it was a really good doctor,
but I had to wait two
months for my appointment,
so it was just two months
of knowing what I had-
- It was just so scary, because you,
it's not something that you can see.
- No.
- It's not like a wart on your hand,
where you can look at it, and be like-
- I wouldn't have known.
- This isn't too bad, it's like,
you're just kind of left
with this constant shadow
of something that you have
no idea if it's so bad.
- Exactly.
It's why it's so important
to get your regular checkups,
because if I just wasn't, if
I wasn't going to that doctor,
I would never have known, who knows?
Who knows what could've happened,
'cause I ended up, that
second doctor, who was like,
a little bit better bedside manner,
and a better communication
with what I was dealing with,
and he made me feel a little
bit better about the situation,
agreed, like, yes, this is something
that you should get surgery
for, and get this thing removed.
'Cause it was like,
yeah, it was just like,
oh God, it was such a,
and I also was having a, I
was dealing with a phobia
of medical exams, just for some reason,
it just felt super invasive,
and I was having panic attacks
just thinking about it.
- Well, it is super invasive. (laughs)
- Yeah, it's awful.
- I mean, there's, you know.
- Even, even during my-
- There's no shame in that.
- Even during preparing for the surgery,
which it was my first surgery in my life,
I never had anything done before,
even just sitting there
with the tube in my arm,
(cringes) God, I hate the idea of things
that aren't my body in my body, you know?
- I totally, I totally, I get,
I've had the IV, I think
I've only had one or two.
But it's, (cringes)
it's so gross.
(laughter)
And I think, the problem is,
I think about the internal,
like, the needle being inside me.
- Yeah, why, what if it breaks off?
- And it's just there, exactly,
I think, what if I jerk my arm,
and it rips out? (cringes)
And it's so funny, 'cause like,
you know, I was with Pam for a long time,
she's been through a
million medical things.
- Yeah.
- And she's like, no big,
she's no biggie about it,
she's just like, so what?
- She's got the golden,
giant belt of medical, like-
- Yeah.
So it's so funny, 'cause
I'm such frickin' weenie
about that stuff.
(laughter)
But yeah, I mean, I don't
think there's any shame
in being afraid of a procedure like that.
I think most people are-
- But I was like-
- Afraid to go through
something like that.
- I knew, when I was first figuring out
that these cancerous
cells were in my body,
I was like, crap, I'm gonna have
to go through multiple exams,
and figuring out what this is,
and this phobia, it was
getting to the point
where I'd be in the office, and crying,
and my heart, my entire body is shaking,
because I was so afraid of the exam,
just it felt like so invasive,
even though it really
isn't, in a lot of ways,
it's just not.
So I decided to go to the hypnotherapist,
because we had Andrew and Cole on
from the podcast, but outside,
and Andrew talked about his hypnotherapist
who helped him with his fear of flying,
so I was like, you know what?
I don't know how else
to get over this fear,
so I ended up asking him for the info,
and I went, and it was
such a bizarre experience,
and it really felt like,
oh, this is working,
and I would listen to
this tape every night,
to try and get rid of this fear,
and like, it didn't work.
I went to that second doctor,
and I had the worst physical
reaction to being checked out,
by far, my entire body, it
made it difficult for him
to check things out, because
my body was just not allowing
anything to happen.
- Yeah.
I mean, it's a trauma.
- Yeah.
- You know?
- And it's not like, I have,
listen, I've experienced
scary things in my life,
but nothing severely traumatic
to mess me up like that.
I'm very fortunate to not
have experienced anything,
but it's like, my brain,
man, sometimes my head
just will be in a spiral of thoughts,
and I will just get myself into a fear,
I'm, I ended up getting into
CBD to help me calm down
before appointments, which
I now, I totally trust,
because lately, I had did it
before going to the doctor
to make sure I was all good,
it just makes me feel calm,
and I'm severely more relaxed
and not crying or anything.
But yeah, I had to have that surgery,
and that was around the
time when we were filming
the Fears shoots, with Olivia and Shayne,
and I was originally supposed to have one,
because I have that weird fear
of my belly button being reopened.
- Uh-huh.
- And we were like,
yeah, we'll do a video,
where we make it look like
we're opening up your belly button,
and I was like, "Oh, okay!"
But then I realized the
set was a hospital bed.
And I was like, oh no, thinking,
God, maybe I can push through
it and still do a good video,
but driving to the shoot, I was like,
started crying, and I
was breathing heavily,
I couldn't calm down, and
I was texting Matt Raub,
I was like, "I can't, I can't do this."
And I had to go to therapy that day,
I literally was not okay.
- Yeah, and we also did,
we weren't familiar with this sort of-
- The phobia?
- With what was going on in your life,
in regards to you being afraid of medical,
'cause that's, 'cause we obviously,
we don't want to trigger
people's, you know, traumas
that are associated with
something that traumatic.
Shayne finds dolls very scary and creepy,
but I don't think a doll has ever-
- It's not a phobia.
- Threatened his life.
- Yeah, it's not a phobia.
- (laughs) So yeah, I mean,
if we knew about that,
I wouldn't put you in that situation.
I mean, did we go a
little far with Olivia?
- Yeah.
(laughter)
- Well, the problem is, we,
psychologically speaking,
we went about treating
a phobia the worst way,
we actually probably
made her phobia worse,
and she later said that.
- Confirmed.
- You're supposed to slowly introduce-
- Integrate it, yeah.
- Yeah, integrate it, so we just instead
threw a bucket of butterflies in her face.
- Yeah, we did.
- Which caused a very
visceral reaction from Olivia.
- And I also, I'm sure,
she didn't want to do it,
maybe in the beginning of the day,
but we have this thing where
we're like, I can do it!
Like, no, I don't want
to say no to this thing
that you guys believe
that I could do well,
like, and you guys are-
- Well, there's also the feeling
that you're not doing your job.
- Yeah.
- If you refuse.
- Like, God, I'm too scared
to flip burgers today!
I can't, I gotta go home!
- Right, right.
- It doesn't feel good.
- Yeah, and in Olivia's case,
we leaned a little too far
into the entertainment value,
and less into, because with yours, Shayne,
it's like, we were creating
something kind of silly.
And we were able to go overboard
because we figured, dolls
make you uncomfortable,
but they probably don't
make you break down.
We knew Olivia was afraid of butterflies,
but we, yeah, I think we
might've gone a little overboard
with, you know, building a giant,
six-foot-tall butterfly poster,
enclosing a room where there's a bunch
of live butterflies flying around.
- I still haven't seen the video, I can't.
- It seemed a little bit more,
what we should've been going for when we,
when we all went in there with her,
and you know, sort of
had her open up a box
and kind of see one butterfly.
Like, look at this, and it's like,
you know, it's very nice, and
it's just a nice, little bug.
And it's gonna fly away,
and it's not gonna harm you.
That's probably the direction
we should've gone in.
With Courtney, we knew she was,
belly buttons make her uncomfortable,
so the plan was gonna be,
take this telescopic camera,
and put it into her belly button
to show her in her belly button,
and then what we were gonna do,
is then switch the video feed to something
that would make it look
like it was opening up.
(squeals)
- And luckily, Matt Raub was cool,
and they wanted me to feel comfortable.
They really were doing
everything that they could
to make sure I was gonna feel okay,
they told me that that was gonna happen.
Like, leading up closer
to it, because the more,
the closer we got, the more afraid I got,
'cause I literally, in
the beginning, was like,
oh, I'll be fine, it's literally fine!
But I, you don't really realize it
until you're almost in it, you know,
when it hits you, like, oh,
this is really happening.
And speaking of that feeling,
when I was first told,
it's crazy because they were like,
"Hey, we got some results, we
just would like you to come in
and talk about them," and I was like,
"What the hell does that mean?"
And I was like, "No, tell me now!"
And finally, they let
me know what they found.
It is such an Earth-shaking
feeling of like,
this can happen to me,
growing up, I always,
whenever my family got sick,
we never went to the doctor, we were,
I always felt like my family
had good, strong genes,
where we could always overcome anything.
We don't have a history of cancer, really,
I mean, a little bit
like breast cancer stuff
on my dad's side, but I
just never thought anything
like that would ever happen to me,
I never thought that would be the thing.
It was severely existential,
but I was so lucky,
'cause people like Shayne and
Olivia were checking on me,
and Damien was there for me as well.
Olivia was the first person I called,
because you know how we joke
about, like, you have HPV,
on Try Not To Laugh and stuff like that,
it's because she joked about,
she went through that kinda
stuff in a different way,
way, way back, and so, I called her,
and I was, dude, I was
crying so much that day.
I was like, 'cause Mythical
has this little patio
that people like to work on,
and I was just sitting out
there, dealing with it,
and then months later,
I had my surgery, and that
was so weird, surgery's weird.
They put you in a gown, in a chair,
and then they put a tube
blowing warm air into your gown,
so you're nice and warm in
your gown in your chair.
The doctor, she comes in, she's like,
"Hey, how you doing?
All right?
It'll be 45 minutes,
get in there, get out."
I'm like, and they,
oh, it's so weird, you get on the bed,
and they're just like, they wheel you in,
and I literally felt
like I was in Fallout 4
when you enter a room,
and a scene is starting?
Not a cut scene, but like,
everything is clearly staged,
because the double doors open
and this man turns around,
and then there's this crazy, big bed
with lights and things hanging down,
and he's like, "Oh, hello!"
and I'm like, what the hell is going on?
And I remember going to sleep,
and then I woke up an hour later,
and I couldn't stop, my
eyes were just watering,
I couldn't stop crying for some reason,
they're like, oh, that's
normal in young patients
from the anesthesia, whatever.
They didn't send me home
with any pain medication
or anything, 'cause I don't, I'm like,
my whole family, we're
weird about the oxycodones
or the Percocets or norcos, any of that.
My dad, even after his
knee surgery, was like,
"Oh, just strong ibuprofen is fine,
I don't like anything like that."
But when I got home, I
couldn't even move my ab,
my lower abdomen was in so much pain.
We got a heating pack, I was taking Advil,
and I was just, oh my God, it was the,
I'd never felt, and ladies,
it basically felt like
your worst period cramp
of your entire life,
but it's never ending.
That's what it felt like.
And I finally, I don't
really smoke weed, guys,
it's not a common thing that I do,
but I had, I'd invested
in a CBD, little THC pen
for, to calm me down, I
literally had gotten it
right around the time that I learned
about the cancerous
cells, because I was like,
I just like, my anxiety as
a person is already so high
that this feels like it could
be something to help me,
because I think too much, I can't,
I can try and meditate,
but my brain is just like,
nope, we're still here,
the problem still exists.
So I had that, and I finally used that,
and the pain went away, finally.
So I didn't have to go to the hospital
or get a prescription
called in or anything, but-
- Yeah, 'cause that pain lasts for
a good week or two, right?
- It was a few days, yeah,
that was insane, and then I
wasn't allowed to work out
for two months, and that was like, no!
- Yeah, yeah.
- Because that was keeping me docile,
talk about docile at the
beginning of this episode,
that keeps me sane,
and so I couldn't, oh
man, I wasn't myself.
I just wasn't myself for
four or five months, man.
That was crazy.
- 'Cause I think, what they did with your,
with your issue, right, is they like,
they essentially, like,
wherever the cells are,
they just kind of take a cone.
- It wasn't the cone
procedure, it was like,
they have a new one that, it takes off,
it doesn't affect you as much,
because they basically,
it's like a hot ring
where it goes (mimics hiss).
Oh!
I hit my headphones! (laughs)
- A hot ring?
- It's like, you know, when they like-
- Like, cauterized it?
- Hot wire it, kinda.
It was like a small, 'cause I guess,
where the cells were, and apparently,
I possibly did have something
that they were worried about,
they were worried I had the cancer,
or the HPV or something,
but I may have killed it
on my own, because apparently,
the second doctor I went
to, who was really good
and really helpful, and
generally, just more caring,
he's told me homeopathic
things, like turmeric
is really good for cervical
stuff, as well as broccoli,
like, lightly steamed.
And I was, at the time, I
was eating hella broccoli
and taking a lot of those immunity shots
that have turmeric in it.
- Yeah, I mean-
- I was taking those regularly.
- With HPV, it's a virus
that your body can basically
get rid of on its own.
- Yeah, but when I, 'cause he saw,
he saw the spot where the cells were,
and he's like, yeah, it looks
like there was something,
but it was gone.
And he told me those
ingredients that help you,
and I was like, "Oh yeah,
I actually take those."
And he was like, "Yeah, so
it's possible you handled it,
but we still have to remove those things."
- Yo.
- Those are his words.
- But the cervix is crazy,
though, 'cause it can
just regenerate itself.
- Yeah, dude.
- It's like, bodies be crazy like that.
Cervix, you get rid of
a bunch of your cervix,
and it just grows back, like
you're (bleep) Wolverine.
- It's a magical sphincter, dude.
(laughter)
Yeah.
- Hell yeah, dude.
- Hell yeah, dude.
My sphincter, fuckin' ew. (laughs)
Ew!
- Can we sell a shirt with that?
- My magical sphincter.
But yeah, that was my
first time ever having
a severe medical thing.
I've never broken a bone, knock on wood.
I've had stitches on my cheek and chin,
but yeah, that was a very scary,
I was not okay, dude.
I was a soft boi for months.
- Even though, even though
you wound up being okay,
and it wasn't, it wasn't as, you know,
quote-unquote "severe" as other people,
it still does put your
life into a perspective.
And it makes you realize
like, what am I doing
with my life, if this is how much time
I may or may not have.
- Exactly.
- Am I planning everything 30 years out,
for a future that might not even be here?
- Oh, that's bleak.
But I mean, it definitely puts you,
it puts you in perspective of like,
mortality, you know?
- Yeah.
- And we've talked about
mortality in many ways
on this podcast, but like,
yeah, that, it's scary, 'cause like,
you don't want to think about that stuff,
because it's like, I'm just goofing around
with my boys today, and I
don't need to worry about
what, a meteorite potentially hitting me.
You don't want to think about
the things that can take away
the things you love.
- Yeah.
Not that I'm saying you
shouldn't plan for the future.
- [Courtney] No, I know.
- But-
- It's easy to forget about that stuff.
And when you're reminded
in such a scary way,
it changes you, it definitely changes you,
but I'm so lucky that
I had you guys around,
and like, the whole team was so helpful,
I remember sending out this long email,
just like, breaking
down to the senior staff
of what I was gonna be dealing with,
and that, what I needed
emotionally from them,
and everyone was so nice, like,
our team is just so
sick, we have the best,
most supportive people that, like,
it's just so different
from what it used to be,
and I don't know how I
would've gone about this
at Defy, like, I didn't
feel safe with our team.
But this team is such a good,
it's a family, even at Defy,
we're like, it's a family!
But this is a family.
This is like, I don't know,
I can't even comprehend
a better work situation than I have,
and it's like, it's because
you guys are so sweet,
and Ian, you were so
sweet, and I feel stupid,
because I never talked to Pam about it.
I never talked to Pam when I
was dealing with this stuff.
I think it's because
it was so overwhelming,
and I didn't, the more people
I talked about it with,
the more real it felt, so
I was like, oh, I don't,
I don't want to bring
more of that energy in,
I also like, 'cause she,
'cause if there's anyone
to talk about it with, it's her, dude,
because she's been through it.
- Yeah.
- But her and I, we did talk recently,
and I think I maybe talked
to her about it a little bit,
but yeah, but Ian, you were so sweet,
and just like, I was just,
I was definitely surprised
at how quickly everyone
is like, oh, absolutely!
You're fine, do what you need to do,
take your time that you need.
I just never expected that.
And I was, I felt very lucky.
And I don't know how I would've
dealt with it otherwise,
so yeah.
What a weird six months, man.
That was crazy.
- Was it six months?
- The brunt of it.
The brunt of it.
And then, I was supposed, months ago,
I was supposed to be
examined and checked out
to see what they did worked.
But then, all this, tour happened,
Australia happened, and now this pandemic,
so like, finally, my doctor was like,
okay, let's just get you in here,
I had to go through multiple waves
of having my temperature checked,
just to get in the building.
- But you got checked
out, and you're all clear?
- Got checked out, and it's,
I'm out of the woods, baby!
- Woo! (claps)
Yeah!
- Thanks, and you know,
it happens to women all the time,
a few years from now, I might
get another abnormal result,
but I feel just generally good about it,
and yeah, I was scared to talk
about it in any way before,
because I was like, well,
what if it's not over?
- But I think the most important thing
to take away from this is,
you know, other women out
there, to get regular checkups,
if you have, if you're in the US,
and you have health insurance.
- That's the only reason I share anything,
is because I want people
to not feel alone,
like I came out on this podcast.
And I do those things, it's like,
normalize the things that people,
a lot of people don't see as normal.
Like, yes, it's okay to
not be physically perfect,
or it's okay to be different,
and I just want to normalize
my differences and my experiences
so that other people can
feel comfortable and normal
in their weirdness or their experiences.
So I, that's why I love this,
I'm (bleep) weird, dude,
and this podcast lets me do it!
I go off!
(sighs) I'm gonna get a mustache.
- It wouldn't show, you're too blonde for-
- I don't know what, after that surgery,
I was like, I can handle surgery, man,
I'm gonna get a surgically
put on mustache.
(laughter)
- You're gonna have a flesh beard.
- (laughs) A mustache transplant!
Cody Ko has a mustache too.
- Yeah, does he?
- He's getting, yeah, he
apparently did a video
where he has his fans roast his mustache.
But I was just listening to
their Tiny Meat Gang Podcast,
and apparently Cody went surfing,
and some dude went up to
him, was like, "Hey, man,
I've been staring at you
a lot, I'm really sorry.
I'm just really high right
now, and your mustache
is the perfect dad
mustache, man, and I just,
I'm trying to get like you,
so just want to let you know
I like what you're
doing," and Cody was like,
"That's all I need to hear,
I'm keeping this mustache forever."
(laughter)
- I feel like there's
been a group of YouTubers
that have been attempting the stache.
- It's a great time to mess around!
- 'Cause I know, I know
Matt Watson did it.
And that, I think he
got roasted pretty hard.
- Matt Raub, just thinking of mustaches,
him and I have been competing lately,
so we both have our Apple Watches,
and so with the fitness
feature, you can compete
with your friends, and for
the first couple weeks,
I was winning, but he's
been kicking my ass.
He just beat me this week.
Apparently, 'cause he's doing
100 situps, 100 pushups,
he's doing the frickin' One
Man Punch workout, dude.
- One Man Punch?
I like that.
- Or One Punch Man?
- Yeah.
- One Man Punch!
Just punch one man.
- Yo, I took One Man Punch.
That's all it takes.
- One Man Punch! (laughs)
- Yeah, I know, Matt
Raub, he's not telling,
he's not really telling anybody.
- No!
He's getting-
- He's like-
- He's, I want to see what
his quarantine bod looks like.
- After talking about working
out, my stomach just gurgled.
- It was like, your
stomach's just like, eww, no.
- Yeah, 'cause I had
that thing I was saying,
I wanted to be last season
of Parks and Rec Chris Pratt,
but I've been kind of failing on that,
to be completely honest.
- I mean, you need
steroids to do that, so.
- Oh, is that what he did?
- I think every, I
mean, I'm not gonna make
an official claim, but I'm
pretty sure a lot of the people
who had to get Marvel bodies super fast,
didn't do it naturally, like no way.
- Shayne, you seem to have
something to say about this.
- Yeah, you've been having that.
- Well, it's that post
from what's his name,
Mac from It's Always Sunny,
he made a perfect post
where he's, 'cause he got
all buff after being fat Mac,
and was like, guys, it's super easy,
all you need to do is
have a personal trainer
that you work out with three
hours a day at minimum,
a nutritionist who
designs all of your meals,
and all this stuff, it's, whether or not-
- The fitness expert who did Magic Mike.
- Yeah, whether or not you have, and yes,
probably a lot of 'em have some version
of human growth hormone,
it may not be literal anabolic steroids,
but they have, at the very least,
even if they're just
working out naturally,
they have a, they're
spending a lot of money,
or they have people spending
the money to get them a team
that will, and also, they get to,
that gets to be their job,
they get to work out all day.
Like, it requires an athlete's
regimen to look like that,
and no person has that time.
- That's true, though,
'cause also, isn't like,
building that kind of
mass, you also just have
to sleep a lot as well?
- You have to eat every
two hours or something.
- Sleep a lot.
- Yeah.
- Depending on your-
- My friend, I have a
friend who was a friend
of Taylor Lautner's back when
New Moon was getting made.
And he-
- When he was told-
- Yeah, he was told-
- 'Cause what was the back story on that?
- So he was gonna get
recast by the lawnmower guy
in Desperate Housewives.
That was the, he was
going to get replaced,
and they were like,
unless you gain, whatever,
40 pounds in the next two
months, or three months.
And so, my friend who was
in an acting class with him,
was like, "Yeah, he had a
bag of hamburger patties,
or just something that he
was just eating, constantly,"
and it's brutal, it's so much work,
and it goes away immediately too,
because I saw him at a
premier a couple years later,
and he slimmed down hard,
because it just goes away,
it just goes away so fast.
- Yeah, I've watched this,
I watched this documentary
about wrestlers called Beyond
the Mat, I think it was,
and it was just kind of
following this obsession
with being just gigantic,
and how, way back in the day,
you know, bodybuilder men
just kind of looked ordinary.
- Yeah.
- There's been this
weird, because it's like,
this sort of like superhero culture,
and, you know, bodybuilders
like Arnold Schwarzenegger,
have sort of reshaped
people's idea of masculinity,
as far as the ideal male form, you know?
And it's like, all these
dudes that they're 40 or 50,
and they just have to
put their entire lives
into just looking huge in the
hopes that they get this job
as a wrestler, and it's like, bro.
Dude's, he's living out of his van,
and working out at the Gold's Gym
that Arnold Schwarzenegger got popular in,
and it's like, oh.
- I think I heard a thing
online about Robert Pattinson
refusing to work out during quarantine,
'cause he's doing Batman, right?
And he was like, and I think I saw,
from what I read, it was like, oh well,
people in the 70s didn't look like this.
Like, they didn't look like a Marvel body.
So he just, was refusing to work out,
I don't know if that's
the same situation now
as a little bit ago, but
that was interesting,
I mean it's true, you look at
fit people back in the day,
they just look like
average dudes now, like-
- Yeah, 100 percent, what's it like,
what's his name, Jack
LaLanne, or whatever,
he was the first sort of fitness guy?
You look at him, and he's like,
yeah, you're like a fit guy,
but you look like you'd
be crushed by pretty much
every LA Fitness bro
that I see at the gym.
- Dude.
- He was probably healthier, though.
He lived to be 95, and
I think he was jogging
five miles per day, up towards,
like, into his 90s.
- Damn, boy!
- He was in great, Arnold
Schwarzenegger even said
that Jack LaLanne was one of,
like, an inspiration to him,
so, like fitness health-wise,
Jack LaLanne is maybe
one of the healthiest
people of the past century.
- I hate running, man.
Lately, I've just like,
I don't want to do it!
It's so boring!
- It's never, it's never fun.
- I'm not gonna argue with that.
- Argue!
- 'Cause there's no
point in, well, boring?
- I will-
- Is doing sit ups that
much more exciting?
- I don't do sit ups,
even, my core workout,
I follow a video, because I'm that,
I'm that much of a weak
ass that I need a screen
to entertain me while I work out.
- I've been, what I do is
like, 'cause I normally do
this one route, but there's
far too many people on it now,
so I just run through
my neighborhood, and-
- That's some hills!
- Yeah, it's like a hill workout too,
but I'm just marveling at all
the different architecture
in my neighborhood, and every time I run,
I'll take one different
street or something,
and just see a new,
interesting looking house,
or like, oh, they have a very
nice garden or something.
So I'm very easily distracted,
as I'm sure you guys know,
so running for me, I always
find things to look at.
- I will say, not to, I don't
mean to shut anything down,
'cause everything you're
saying is so true,
Kevin Arschroder, who's
running this podcast right now,
he took me on a run once,
that was my first run run
in forever, because years
ago, I had this weirdo
come at me with a chloroform cloth,
and I was scared off running for years.
- Yeah, I don't know why, I
don't why you'd be scared-
- It was just like, I don't
know, it was just spooky!
It was just spooky!
- Cut to earlier in this pod,
yeah, I've never had anything
traumatic happen to me.
(laughter)
Yeah.
This one time I was
nearly (bleep) murdered.
- I know, I know, but that time,
it was so fast, 'cause he
ended up running right past me,
'cause he realized
there was people around,
so a lot of bad things could've
happened to me in my life,
but they just haven't.
But so, nowadays, when I do run,
it's either I have a dog with me,
or it's in a very public
place, or I'm with someone,
like Kevin, so when
Kevin took me on that run
for the first time in forever,
we ran past a donut shop, and you like,
you can smell the smells,
you see the people, it feels much safer,
whereas nowadays, if
I'm running by myself,
I have to do it in a very public place.
- Also, in LA, it's so much, you know,
built around transportation,
like, with cars,
that the chance to actually
go out on the street
as a pedestrian-
- It's tough, and sidewalk hurts my feet.
- Seems so, so different. (laughs)
- Yeah, like, so to be
safe, I usually will either
go to this park where it's like a trail
that lots of people are doing laps on,
which isn't safe in another way, you know?
Or I'll try and run
around my neighborhood,
and even then, I'm super nervous,
like, I try and stay
on super main streets,
but then I run the risk
of people seeing me,
'cause then, the other day,
I think I told Shayne this,
but like, I think I got
recognized on a run.
This, I remember I was
running, and I look up,
and this girl is on a
bicycle, and she nods,
but then there's that
secondary look, like, wait.
You know, when you're
usually getting recognized,
I was like, that was weird.
And I'm jogging kinda
slow, and all of a sudden,
she comes up on my other
side, and I was like,
"Jesus (bleep) Christ!"
I literally said it out loud.
And so, she heard me
curse, I had headphones in,
so I was like, whatever.
And she rode a circle around
me, and was looking at me,
and I was like, what the (bleep)?
And I picked up my pace,
and eventually she stopped
and left me alone, but I was like,
there's no way I'm stop, especially now,
I'm not gonna stop and talk to a person
that I don't know right now.
- Yeah.
- And then, just people are weird,
I've had a guy, I've
just happened to look up
and I see a dude filming me from his van
as he's driving by,
people are just creepy!
- Ugh!
- Right?
As a chick, it's (bleep) hard to,
and even scary things
happen to men sometimes,
no one's really safe.
I don't mean to get spooky.
But it's tough, there's
a lot of give and take
with running, and I'm also like,
I can't do the same route too many times,
'cause you, it sucks, man, it sucks.
But also running is boring.
- I'm surprised that
you run with headphones.
- Oh, trust me, I'm
doing the periodic, like-
- Yeah.
- I'll look over the shoulder.
And it's usually a podcast,
so it's not music blaring, I can't really,
music is fine when I run,
but it's usually Tiny Meat
Gang or Chris Julia Podcast,
so I like conversation.
- Yeah.
- But yeah.
- Do you ever find yourself laughing,
like, on your run, because of
whatever you're listening to,
and you feel like you
look like a crazy person?
- I think, (laughs)
I definitely will realize
I'm laughing in public,
and be like, oh, I wonder what
people will think of this,
but I feel like podcasts
are normal enough nowadays
that I'm fine.
Do you, Shayne, you go on runs too.
- Yeah, and see, now
that I have a mustache-
(laughter)
If I come across a serial
killer, they'll be like,
"Oh, you're one of us, right?"
And I'll be like, "Oh, no, no, no."
- No, no, no, no!
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
Yeah, I don't jog too much.
I should more, 'cause
it's so good for you.
- Olivia's been running.
- Yeah.
- Olivia's been running a whole bunch.
- Killing it, they're
running miles and miles.
- I was a treadmill boy, at the gym,
so I would do that a lot.
I think my jam that I want to start doing,
is I, well, I need to, because
I'm gonna be doing it soon,
but I need to start hiking more.
I think I'm gonna start
just hiking mountains
whenever I can.
- It's just time.
- Yeah.
There's such good hiking
trails in Los Angeles.
- Yeah.
We got a lot of-
- And Malibu's great.
- Yeah, we have a lot
of different terrains,
'cause you've got Malibu hiking,
and then you've got Angeles Forest hiking,
which are very opposite.
- Yeah, and there's
just these weird little
sort of like biomes within the forest,
like, in the river areas
or in the sort of canyons,
the weather is like, it's so different.
- I wanna go cliff diving, man.
- It's, yeah, I went
on this hike last week.
It was probably the best hike
I've done in Los Angeles,
like, it was so cool.
- Damn.
- There's a huge waterfall, like the one
behind your head, Shayne, and-
- Brandon took that picture.
- I saw a freakin', there was a bear cub,
like, I walked out of this outhouse,
I heard people go like,
"Oh, there's a bear, there's a bear,"
I was like, "Uh, what?"
And I opened up the door of the outhouse,
and there's a bear cub, like-
- What?
- 30 feet away from me.
- And it's like, "Mama?" (laughs)
- Yeah, I was like, well,
I'm getting the (bleep) out of here.
And then this was an area
where a lot of what I'll call
the basics were, because
there's a waterfall,
all the sort of basics
will come on to the trail,
with their Starbucks cups,
and they're wearing Nikes,
they have boom boxes playing music.
- Ugh!
- And they have little children and stuff,
and so, this bear cub comes down the hill,
and there's 30, 40 people
there in this little area,
and they all start
crowding to see the bear.
- (gasps) Oh!
- And I'm like, yo, all right,
this is a wild animal,
and also, the number one
thing that you should know
that you probably don't,
'cause you're a basic,
is if there's a baby
bear, mama bear's nearby,
and that's one of the only
times that a black bear
will be aggressive, is
if you're near the baby.
So get the (bleep) out of here!
And everyone was just standing
around, taking pictures,
so I'm like, no, I'm not
gonna be a part of this,
so I walk away.
- Wait, did you actually
try and tell them to leave?
- No, but then-
- I was like, damn!
Papa Ian, coming in!
- Yeah, it was a crowd, so I wasn't gonna-
- No, they would've beat your ass, yeah.
- Yeah, a lot of 'em probably could.
So I was just like, no,
let's get out of here,
this isn't cool.
So we start walking away,
and this mom with her kid
is walking down the trail, and I was like,
"Heads up, there's a bear cub,"
and she was like, "A
bear cub, where, where?"
Like, she wanted to see
it really bad, I'm like,
lady, that's not the freaking
reason why I told you-
- Basic fundamentals.
- You have a small child with you!
- Yeah.
- It's, people are just idiots, man.
It bothers me so much.
- A person is smart, but
people are dumb, bro.
- I think, just a lot of
people just don't have the,
they don't have the experience,
maybe they just didn't
grow up around nature.
- Yeah.
- Or they just don't
respect it, like, it's,
like, it's not a zoo.
They're not there for your entertainment.
- Yeah, you know, I might be a horse girl
in the big city now, but I grew up
camping quite a lot, so that
stuff I already been knew.
You know, and Shayne, Shayne's
a mountain man, pretty much.
Him and his brothers hike.
- Yeah.
- Big ass mountains every year.
- Yeah, I'm a full believer
that any time a wild animal
kills someone, you know what?
That's them.
If I, I've said before,
if I get killed by a bear,
I'm like, you know what?
Nature got a W.
And I, I'll, like,
that's fine, it's fine.
There was a tweet, I saw it, God,
I wish I knew the account, it was like,
"If I get killed by,
if I get killed by a bear,
can someone take a photo
of it standing next to my dead body?"
- (laughs) Oh my God!
- You know, I had a scary thought.
From my encounter, like,
It was like, a couple nights
ago, I thought about it,
and was like, what would happen,
'cause that bear was really close to me,
what would happen if
the mama bear chased me
into the outhouse, and my only option
was to jump down into the (bleep)?
'Cause it was a pit toilet,
it's like, you know, giant-
- I've never experienced that before.
- Like, where you poop
into a giant chamber.
- Oh.
- Of just other people's feces.
I was like, would I have,
would I have the balls
to jump into a giant, 10 foot deep pit
of poo poo and pee pee?
- What about playing dead?
Like, isn't that, is
that no longer a thing?
- That's for grizzly bears.
- See, this is why we need
your knowledge, Shayne.
- Playing dead is like-
- Black bears, you, so it's,
you see black, fight back,
you see brown, lie down.
You see white, good night.
(laughter)
That's no kidding, 'cause a polar bear
is just gonna kill you.
You need, that's why legally,
in certain parts of Canada,
you're legally required
to have a rifle on you,
because polar bears will hunt
and track and kill people.
- Yeah.
- Whoa!
- I was reading up a little
bit about bears after that,
'cause it kind of like, it made me realize
that I wasn't, I wasn't as
prepared as I should've been.
But the basic thing is like, yeah,
try, if a bear is coming towards you,
you want to look it in the eyes, and-
- Yell and throw stuff.
- Not back down.
- Yeah.
- You don't want to show submission,
'cause it could be
testing you, if it's not-
- Just to feel the waters, yeah.
- And they say, if it
actually attacks you,
what you want to do is lie face down
- And cover your head.
- And yeah, cover your
neck, cover your head,
and try to prevent it
from tossing you over,
and it said, and then it said like,
if the bear doesn't stop,
and starts to eat you,
then you fight back, I'm like,
how am I supposed to know
when it starts to eat me?
Isn't it too late at that point?
- I guess?
You just start feeling
it, it's like, okay,
this isn't just getting
me away as a threat.
- Entirely in its mouth.
- Yeah, you're no longer a
threat, and you're a meal,
that's when it's like, (bleep)
it, I just gotta try my best.
That makes sense.
- But they were like, one
of the things was like,
yeah, you want to lay there,
and wait, and make sure, if
the bear stops attacking you,
don't get up and leave just yet,
wait maybe 30 minutes, I'm like,
if you were attacked by a bear,
you don't think you're gonna
bleed out in 30 minutes?
- It's like, if you-
- I don't think I can wait 30 minutes.
- If you start feeling it
pouring salt and pepper
and oregano on you, that's
when you turn around and start,
(laughs) if you feel it-
- Yeah.
- Putting a dry rub,
(laughs) and opening up a can of broth,
that's when you- (laughs)
- Exactly.
- You hear it chopping up
carrots and onions behind you.
And putting, if you start
feeling him carrying you
to a frying pan, if you start
hearing the Benihana chef
saying, "Yeah, bring it over!"
That's when you- (laughs)
- If you hear the bear
bring out its good knives.
You know, it's ready to eat.
- If the bear makes an
onion volcano on your back.
(laughter)
- If you hear, choo choo,
ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!
- Fun fact, Benihana was
started by Steve Aoki's dad.
That's what I heard, I
don't know if it's true.
- If you hear him, if you hear the bear
starting to crack open garlic,
turn around and start
punching it in the dick.
- Nice.
I can't imagine having to fight a bear,
because when that black bear came up
to my brother and I's camp,
we were both frozen to death.
We were terrified.
- Yeah.
- It was, I didn't even look,
I didn't even want to get
up and look through the hole
in the tent to see it,
'cause I was just like-
- No, 'cause you could
startle it, and yeah.
- I mean, it probably,
it knew we were there,
'cause it has, it could
smell us from a mile away.
- Yeah, but-
- Guys, this is important.
Steve Aoki's dad did start Benihana.
- Guys, the most important thing-
- He also used to be a wrestler.
- Guys, confirmed a
wrestler started Benihana.
And what, a wrestler now invented a place
where they wrestle food with
their knives in front of you.
If Steve Aoki gives a bear the go ahead
to start chopping you up,
that's when you turn around
and punch him in the
dick, sorry, continue.
It's time for Shoot Dude?
- It's time for a Shoot Dude.
- Okay.
Shoot Dude!
- [Ian] Shoot Dude.
- [Courtney] Shoot Dude.
- [Ian] Shoot Dude.
- [Ian, Courtney] Sh-sh-sh-sh-shoot Dude!
Shoot Dude!
Shoot Dude!
Shoot Dude!
- Shoot Dude.
So this one, this Shoot
Dude comes from David.
David says, "So a few years
ago, I was home alone,
enjoying some quality
adult videos on my phone."
I'm guessing he was referring
to rated R movies or something.
- Oh, so he was watching porn.
- Okay, so home alone, watching porn.
- Probably just like a PG-13
- I've never seen that
Home Alone movie before.
- He's watching Terminator 3, is my guess.
"As the video was approaching its climax,
the audio suddenly stopped working.
Confused and disappointed, I
turn the volume all the way up.
(gasps)
To my horror, I hear my mom
pulling into the garage,
and can hear the sounds of my video
playing through the Bluetooth in her car."
- Awesome.
- "We didn't make eye contact
for the rest of the night."
Shoot, Dude!
- That's awesome.
- That is a Shoot Dude!
That is a hardcore Shoot Dude!
- I can actually, I can believe that one.
- Bro.
- I for sure believe that one.
- I've heard stories of that happening
to other people before.
I will say, my soundbar sometimes,
I think a neighbor tries to
connect to their speaker,
and accidentally connects to mine.
Because my TV will cut out,
and then I'll hear super
quiet, like, Fleetwood Mac.
And I'm like, what the-
- That's probably just Shayne and I,
listening to Fleetwood Mac.
- Yeah, just listening to-
- No, I mean, it was
like, Fleetwood Mac vibes,
it wasn't actual, 'cause it it was,
I would've turned it up and
been like, screw the TV,
this is great, but like, yeah,
Bluetooth speakers be wildin' out.
- Dude, that's crazy.
- That sucks, dude.
- If you've got a Shoot Dude,
Send it to shootdood@smosh.com,
that's S-H-O-O-T-D-O-O-D at Smosh-
- Dot com!
Has that ever happened to
you guys, anything like that?
- Porn stuff?
- I mean, porn incident, or
Bluetooth speaker incident?
- I, well, when I first got
that portable Bluetooth speaker
from VidCon, I tried to hide it,
it was one of our shoots,
I tried to hide it
behind some people, and then
play fart noises through it.
- Where was this, VidCon?
- No, no, no, it was the
speaker that we got at VidCon.
- Oh.
- It was like this
little Bluetooth speaker,
so I was like, I'mma
hide it behind somebody
and play fart noises, because I am five.
- Yeah, that's, the Bluetooth speakers
are just the new, modern fart machine.
(mischievous laughter)
- I feel like, I feel like
porn is not the worst thing
that could've happened, I
feel like an action scene
in John Wick or something,
so if you're just chilling
in your apartment or in your car,
and all of a sudden,
just a bunch of gun shots
started going off right near you.
That'd be worse.
- That would be terrifying,
your mom's just like, (gasps) oh!
But I would've had the same reaction
if I heard porn anyway,
you just hear those sounds.
- You never just have (bleep) ghosts?
- (bleep) ghosts.
- Ghosts that are just fucking?
- No, my ghosts are all
just single and lonely.
- Yeah.
They're like, when will my
husband return from war?
Also, I'm dead.
- Yeah.
Have you guys seen A Ghost Story?
Dude, that's a movie.
- Just any ghost story,
or the movie Ghost Story?
- The movie A Ghost Story.
- I don't think I have.
- It's-
- Could you describe it, you
just described it as a movie.
(laughter)
- A movie, A Ghost Story.
It, yeah, well yeah, I did
describe it, it is a movie.
It is a weird one, man.
- I can't do ghost stuff.
- It's very like, no,
no, no, it's not scary.
It's very art house, it's-
- Like Casper the Friendly Ghost?
- It's Casey Affleck with
a sheet over his head,
standing around in a house,
and it goes through time.
- Weird, that sounds cool.
- It's a weird one.
- Is there porn in it?
Is there sex in it?
- Yeah, I'll only watch it if it's porn.
- There might be a little.
- I only watch porn ghost stuff.
- Yeah, it's low on the porn quotient,
but it's a slow movie, but
it's worth checking out,
it's very, it's very interesting.
- Can't do any other ghost stuff.
- No, I don't like scary,
I don't like scary spookies.
- I've never seen Paranormal Activity,
I can't do like, I couldn't
even get through 15 minutes
of Haunting in Connecticut.
Like, I'm a little wussy wuss weenie boy.
- I watched the first Paranormal Activity,
it was pretty fun.
- Second one's even better, I think.
- Really?
You guys like those?
- Oh yeah.
- But I did like Paranormal Activity.
- I did watch the comedy
version, Scary Movie 3 and stuff.
Remember when they tried
to replace Anna Ferris
with Ashley Tisdale, and it did not track?
- Ooh.
- I've only seen the
first one, so I don't-
- I saw, I remember the first ones,
Scary Movie 3 was the best.
- Everyone knows that Meet the
Spartants is where it's at.
- That one was so bad!
Dude, that whole genre-
- It was bad.
- It is so rough!
- Yeah, well, 'cause it wasn't even,
it wasn't even like parody,
it was just referencing.
Like, oh there's Carrot Top, oh, there's-
- Here's the kicking
pit! (mimics laughter)
- Oh, there's the Taco Bell chihuahua.
- Oh.
- Yeah, it was a dark time in movies.
- But it was like-
- I think it would be really interesting
to go back and watch it now,
because now it's all this like,
now it's like a pop culture time capsule.
Each one of those movies-
- Can we react to those?
'Cause I was really thinking
about doing something like
that, like, streaming,
streaming movies and, we're
talking about doing that
in the future, I don't think we're allowed
to talk about that stuff, right?
- Not yet.
- Not yet?
But anyway, I think we've said enough
to tease whatever.
- Yeah.
- Reacting to movies is our dream, bro.
Cringy movies-
- I would love to react to cringy movies.
- I want to make you guys watch Grease 2!
- [Ian] Yeah.
- But yeah, that whole genre,
fuckin', what was the
Twilight, the vampire,
Not Another Vampire Teen
Movie, or something?
Where they made fun of
Twilight, that one was-
- There was a, there was
The 40 Year Old Virgin
Who Knocked Up Something
and Felt Super Bad About It.
- I didn't even know about that one.
- It's like the closest mainstream movies
will ever be to YouTube.
Like, that was the most YouTube ass thing,
it was parody comedy in a movie.
- So bad.
- So bad!
- But there was an audience for it.
- There was.
I was low key that audience,
but even I was like,
this is just so garbage, like,
Meet the Spartans was so bad!
- Okay, so this was the name of a movie.
The 41 Year Old Virgin Who
Knocked Up Sarah Marshall
and Felt Superbad About It.
Yeah, all those raunchy
comedies, they would come out
with the DVD version, that's like,
Extra Stripped Naked Version!
- Yeah.
- And that was the one
that I really wanted to see
as a kid, I was like, what does it mean?
- Are there like, twice as many boobies?
- Is a pee pee in it?
- Is there some pee pees?
- Is there pee pee in it?
- 'Cause like, I was too
scared to Google penis,
so I was like, this is,
could be my chance! (laughs)
- You know what I just realized?
I don't think I've ever
seen a butthole in a movie.
Sorry, let's just leave it there.
I'm just gonna leave you guys with that,
with that, please rate
our podcast on iTunes,
or any of the other
podcast listening things
you're listening to on.
- And please rate Shayne's mustache.
- We love you so much-
- Comments for those who are watching.
- And also, if you have
seen a butthole in a movie,
that's not a porn, leave
it in the comments below,
'cause I don't think I've
ever seen one in a movie.
- It's illegal.
- They can show a vadge and
they can show a pee pee.
Why can't they show a butthole?
- I think in My Big Fat Greek Wedding.
- (laughs) Let's get the
hashtag going on Twitter,
#showusthehole.
(laughter)
- Show us the hole!
- We need to start that-
- That's the new campaign.
- Let's start a revolution.
- Should we be the first
filmmakers to have a movie
with full backal, not full
frontal, like full backal?
(laughter)
- Yes.
We're starting this,
we're starting this, okay?
- We're starting a petition for a movie
where Danny DeVito is standing,
facing away from the camera,
and he just spreads cheeks.
- Show us the Danny DeVit-hole.
Show us the hole!
Hashtag it, make it
happen, love you so much.
Get all the new Smosh, get
all the new Smosh merch,
it's smosh.store, there's
some real great stuff.
Love you so much, thank
you, Shayne and Courtney.
I'll see you guys next time.
(kisses)
Much love.
- Goodbye.
(hard rock music)
