It feels like America is inching
closer to an official war
with any number
of different countries.
So we thought
we should take a look
at which countries
could win that honor
in our brand-new segment,
"America's Next Top Battle."
(cheering and applause)
First up... Iran.
America's nemesis
and this year's
195th most popular
spring break destination.
Tensions have been rising
with Iran
ever since President Trump
reneged on the nuclear deal,
and now it looks like things may
be reaching a breaking point.
Breaking overnight, the U.S.
is sending an aircraft carrier
and air force bombers
to the Middle East
in response
to a potential threat from Iran.
 Officials believe Iran
 or its third-party proxies
 have been planning an attack
 on U.S. forces in the region.
 The USS Abraham Lincoln
 strike group
 is now heading to the region.
National security advisor
John Bolton
releasing a statement
overnight...
(reading):
Wow, unrelenting force.
Yeah, that is a major threat
and an intense
Steven Seagal movie.
(laughter)
-(man whoops)
-Now, this threat
didn't come directly
from the president.
It came from John Bolton,
national security advisor
and elderly Mario brother.
(laughter)
And although he says this action
is about recent tensions,
if you look at his record,
you'll see that
for over a decade,
he's repeatedly called
for America to bomb Iran.
And ten years is a long time
to have a beef.
Like, you realize ten years ago,
there were no Marvel movies
about women,
and now there's one.
Now, experts warn
that America bombing Iran
would be really bad, right,
because it could destabilize
the entire Middle East.
And the Middle East is already
a pretty unstable place
to begin with.
It's like you're playing
a tense game of Jenga,
and then you pick the Hulk
to make your the next move.
It's like, "Yeah, Hulk, I think
if you pick the piece in the..."
"Hulk smash!"
"Oh, that-that's why no one
picks you on the team, Hulk."
So, uh, congratulations, Iran.
You might be
America's next top battle.
But don't celebrate just yet
because there's another
strong contender in the race.
CRAIG MELVIN: U.S. Secretary
of State Mike Pompeo says
all options are on the table,
including military action,
when it comes to handling
the unrest in Venezuela.
The president has been
crystal clear.
Military action is possible.
If that's what's required,
that's what the United States
will do.
We want the Venezuela people
not to have interference
from any country,
whether it's China or Russia.
You now have Iranians
on the ground in Venezuela.
The United States wants
all other countries out
of this nation.
(laughter)
You know what I love
about America?
Is that it's the only country
that's willing to meddle
in Venezuela to make sure that
no one meddles in Venezuela.
Like, America reminds me
of that guy at the bar
who sees other guys hitting
on a woman and is like,
"Hey, guys, back off!
"Can't you see
she's not interested?
"Hey, I'm sorry
about all these douchebags.
"Uh...
you want to...
you want to get out of here?"
(cheering and applause)
So...
so,
will America's next war be
with Iran or Venezuela?
Well, it might be neither,
because, right now,
Donald Trump
is threatening another war
over trade with China.
Trade trouble this morning.
The president threatening
to jack up tariffs
on Chinese goods
and add new tariffs.
Trump threatening
to increase tariffs
on $200 billion
in Chinese goods to 25%
from 10%,
starting this Friday.
And he warned
he could tax nearly all
of the roughly $500 billion
of Chinese exports to the U.S.
The Wall Street Journal
 reporting
China is now considering
pulling out of those talks.
Yes, two days before China
was coming to negotiate
at the White House,
Trump has jeopardized everything
by threatening
a new round of tariffs.
And his argument is that
he's doing this to punish China
for taking advantage of America.
But the truth is
his tariffs are going
to hurt American consumers
first.
So this is a weird tactic,
you know?
It would be like if Braveheart
was like,
"If we want to defeat
the English,
we have to stab Gregory!"
He'd be like, "Wait, what?
What-what? Why me?"
Be like, "Don't worry, Greg.
"It's a tactic I learned
from Art of the Deal!
Now, be a good lad
and hand me my Starbucks cup!"
-So...
-(cheering and applause)
So who's gonna be
America's next top battle,
Iran, China, or Venezuela?
Well, with President Trump
in charge,
I wouldn't be shocked
if it ends up being all three.
