There's a ton of stuff
in the news today.
CBS announced
it was firing Les Moonves
without paying him
his $120 million in severance.
Uh, Japan has said it's getting
back into the military game,
building its first aircraft
carrier since World War II.
Yeah. So, basically,
Japan is like Louis C.K.
They're like,
"Okay, we did something bad,
"but I think enough time
has passed.
Got to get back
in the game now."
And if you love weapons
and the news
of the Trump administration
banning bump stocks has you sad,
well, New York State is about
to turn that frown upside down.
A federal judge rules New York's
statewide ban on nunchucks
is unconstitutional
under the Second Amendment.
The ban on the martial arts
weapon was adopted in 1974.
There were fears the popularity
of kung fu films
would lead to criminals,
especially young gang members,
using nunchucks.
Yes!
Do you hear that, people?
Nunchucks are back, baby!
-(cheering)
-They're back!
Back! What?!
I feel like
I'm 14 years old again.
I'm gonna go out
and buy some nunchucks
and then go home
and masturbate furiously.
And all of this is happening
thanks to the lawsuit
of one very committed
New Yorker.
Cowabunga, dude.
Thank you.
(cheering)
I will say, I will say,
New York clearly has
its priorities off.
Like, it's taking forever
to legalize weed,
but nunchucks are now fair game?
Like, of all the cities
in America,
New York is the worst place
to legalize nunchucks.
Everyone
is already highly strung,
and now you're throwing in
ninja tools?
Like, subway fights
are about to get real.
Like, the only good thing
about New York
is that it's maybe too crowded
to actually pull your arm out.
So people are gonna be
in the train like,
"Man, if I had two--
ooh, if I had two feet,
"oh, man, you-- like, you--
"oh, you-- oh,
and you (bleep) off, lady,
"I would be-- oh, you--
I swear to God,
"once this train clears out
after Canal Street,
"I'm-a kick all your ass.
For now, I'm just gonna make
the Bruce Lee sounds."
(shouting a la Bruce Lee)
I will say though, like,
the one benefit of nunchucks
is that it's the only weapon
that hurts the user
more than the victim.
I like that. Yeah.
It'd just be, like,
someone mugging you, like,
"Give me all your money.
Give me-- Ah. Ah.
Give me all your-- Ah, ah, ah."
Yeah,
if I'm in a nunchuck mugging,
there's a 50% chance that
I'm walking away with his watch.
I like that.
Moving on to some other news.
By now, we all know
about the gender wage gap
between men and women.
It's really the worst gap
after the Baby Gap.
Nothing in my size.
And today, today,
the World Economic Forum
released a study
saying that the gender wage gap
is going away!
-(cheering and applause)
-Yeah!
In...
in 202 years.
(laughter, groaning)
Sorry, I should have led
with that part.
Yeah.
Which, uh, let's be honest,
is bad news for everyone
who's alive today,
'cause it means, at this rate,
we won't live
to see the gap close.
Well, except for Jennifer Lopez,
who's the only person
aging slowly enough.
Yeah, because, in 200 years,
she'll be, like,
what, 57, I think?
No, wait, 58. Sorry. 58.
Uh, moving on
to some technology news,
it turns out people hate it.
People are slashing tires,
throwing rocks,
pointing guns
at self-driving cars.
People in Arizona have recorded
21 incidents of this
in the past two years.
Now, The Arizona Republic
 reports, in other cases,
people stood in front
of the vehicles
to prevent them from driving,
yelled at them,
chased them,
and forced them off the road.
It-- The article says people
appear to be frustrated
by, uh, their presence.
(laughter)
Peo-People are chasing
and yelling at cars?
I'm pretty sure this has less
to do with self-driving cars
and more to do
with Arizona's meth problem.
Because someone shouting at a
car just sounds like a crazy guy
who's seen Transformers 
way too many times.
He's like,
"Hey, you Bumblebee?
"You Bumblebee?
I know you're Bumblebee.
Bumblebee,
I know you're there!"
(laughter)
I kind of understand it, though.
It's got to mess with you
when you have road rage,
but then there's no one
to direct it at.
You're just driving in your car.
You're like, "You cut me off,
you in-invisible... asshole,
"you... you not-even-here
piece of shit.
"You know what, man?
I'll just throw a rock at you.
Aah!"
And finally, in headlines,
the world's worst charity
has closed its doors.
President Trump will be
closing down his charity.
The Donald J. Trump Foundation
was sued
by New York's attorney general
over claims
that Donald Trump's children
abused its tax-exempt status
and violated
campaign finance laws.
We have a tweet here
from the New York state,
uh, A.G.
attorney general's office.
"The foundation functioned
as little more
"than a checkbook to serve
Mr. Trump's interests.
Our lawsuit remains ongoing."
That's right.
Donald Trump's charity,
which frequently spent money
on Donald Trump,
has been forced to shut down,
which makes sense.
I mean, if the beneficiary
of the charity
has become president,
I think
the charity has done its job.
It's time to shut it down.
Yeah.
It's the same way all the people
who used to send me a dollar
when I was back in Africa
stopped paying me
when I became host
of The Daily Show.
It's done. Yeah.
It worked out.
And if you're saying,
"Hey, Trevor,
weren't you already successful
before you got this job?",
what the (bleep) are you--
Robert Mueller? Shut up!
(laughter)
Now, I'm gonna be honest
with you guys.
I'm even shocked
that Trump had a charity.
I always thought the only
Trump charity was the women
who agreed
to have sex with him, but...
But...
(cheers and applause)
But this is real.
This is real.
And it turns out
The Trump Foundation did a lot
of shady shit that caught
the eye of investigators,
like when Trump used $12,000
from his charity
to buy himself a helmet
signed by Tim Tebow.
(laughter)
Which is something even
Tim Tebow wouldn't want.
And he even spent
10,000 charity dollars
to buy a portrait of himself
to hang up in his own golf club.
Yeah. I mean, at this point,
the least the man can do is
donate that painting to a child.
Yeah. Free nightmares
for the rest of your life.
