At the Emmys last night,
the big four TV networks posted
their lowest number of wins
ever.
That's kind of shocking.
There's a story about it
on YouTube I was looking up.
You get it? You get it.
-That was great. -It was great.
-Good start, David.
-Good start.
-I love it.
(whistles)
Yeah.
-Keep going!
-(screaming)
(laughs)
I'm on a roll.
Did you see that Kim Kardashian
got political?
Uh, she called for an end
to the violent wars
in Game of Thrones and she said,
"People are really still using
flaming arrows?
You guys."
PETA's all over
the dragon story.
It was really...
This is crazy.
 Game of Thrones won the Emmy
for both Best Drama
and Worst Season,
which never--
that almost doesn't happen ever.
Uh, in other, uh, news,
Lizzo's Postmates driver said
that she's not a thief
and she's been living in fear
after being outed on Twitter.
It's gotten so bad,
she's thinking about joining
the Thickness Protection
Program.
-BAMFORD: Nice.
-Wow.
-Well-played.
-Yeah.
-Well... That's a compliment,
actually. -That's mean.
-BAMFORD: No, no.
-I'm trying to be thick.
Actually, it's working,
in the middle.
Uh, an American Airlines flight
made an emergency landing
after a passenger smoked weed.
All the passengers
with emotional support pigs,
horses and raccoons were
appalled at the inconvenience.
An alligator was pulled out
of a pond
behind a Michigan junior high.
-McHALE: Uh...
-Not because of the kids.
It's just unsafe for anything
to be in the water in Michigan.
ANNOUNCER:
Almost political.
♪ ♪
-BAMFORD: Yay!
-Yeah!
A fine line.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
conducted a band
during his Oktoberfest
in Munich.
Be careful, Arnold.
The last time
you drunkenly swung a stick
around like that,
you got your housekeeper
pregnant. (chuckles)
-All right, let's talk.
-BAMFORD: Yeah!
-Yeah! Yeah! -♪ ♪
-(cheering and applause)
-Almost.
-Ah! Hey! Hey!
Good to see you.
-I haven't seen you in a while.
-Yeah.
Thank you for coming.
Thank you for having me.
Very nice of you.
My shirt looks like pajamas.
All right,
so, the Emmys were last night.
Lots to talk about.
Big winners,
 Fleabag, Game of Thrones.
Uh, they went with no host
for the show.
I guess I deleted
all my old tweets for nothing.
Um, it was really-- the show
was really an infomercial
for The Masked Singer.
Did you see it?
It's not exactly the
Avengers (bleep) lineup here.
Nick Cannon was there.
Show Nick Cannon.
Remember what...
-Yeah, he looked great.
-Yeah. -Oh, wow.
Rolling with the turban still.
Two years, I don't think
-anyone... -He still looks
way better than Ken Jeong.
Yeah. He does look cool.
You hear me, Ken?
He's like, "Zoltar,
please take this bit back."
I just feel like they should
have to guess through touch,
-you know, who it is
on the other side. -Oh.
-Like a blind person? They have
to, like... -Yeah, yeah. -Uh...
Well, I mean,
the singing and the dancing
kind of gives it away.
Why don't you snuggle 'em?
See who you think it is.
-I think, uh... -That's
a great-- That's a new show.
-Yeah. -That's, uh-- Yeah.
That's called Me Too.
(laughter)
-That would be... -Joel.
-(cheering and applause)
-BAMFORD: Well... -You're lucky
I didn't wear this.
I was at Turban Outfitters
at the Beverly Center.
-(groans) Hold on one sec.
-Also, Halsey was there.
I know. Don't, don't, don't.
-We skimmed over it.
-(exhales) Okay.
"Turban Outfitters" at the
right time would've been great.
It was about a minute late.
Halsey was there. She sang
during the In Memoriam segment,
uh, in a dress
that was less funeral,
more bachelorette party in Reno.
But I have to say--
-First of all, she looks great.
-Uh-huh.
I don't know
if you want rods out there
during the "in memoriam"
uh, segment.
-When I die this is what...
-GRIFFIN: Yeah.
This is how I want people
to dress at my funeral.
GRIFFIN: I'm gonna...
I'm gonna fake my death
-just so she can sing at my...
-Yeah.
I'm gonna be in the casket like,
"What's up, girl?"
Whenever I see that slide show,
I always feel like saying,
"What happened?
Was there a bus accident?"
-Aw. -"Why isn't anybody
doing anything about this?
So many people have died."
-So they all died at once?
-Yeah.
She thought they all died
at once. Aw.
-I did.
-This is, uh...
That little squiggle--
I don't know if that's a tattoo,
or they're trying to start
the ink pen, uh, but, uh, she...
This shows a lot. This is...
This just goes to show
sex will sell anything,
you know what I mean?
-Even death.
-SPADE: Yeah. Yeah.
-BAMFORD: Yeah.
-Yeah.
She's really
breaking the news hotly
about Jan-Michael Vincent
passing.
So, uh, Kim Kardashian
and Kendall Jenner.
-You know these two. They...
-McHALE: No.
-Joel.
-(laughter)
Joel, these are rhetorical.
Um...
-(laughter)
-Oh. -SPADE: They...
-(applause and cheering)
-Oh, shit.
They presented an award for
outstanding reality TV series,
and Kim had a line in her intro
that I don't think was supposed
to be a joke,
but it got a big laugh,
which is the opposite
of what happens on this show.
Uh, let's take a look.
Our family knows firsthand
how truly compelling television
comes
from real people
just being themselves.
Telling their stories
-unfiltered and unscripted.
-(laughter)
(laughter)
See, they... they laughed
at that, what she said.
There was a reaction shot
they didn't use.
We have... we-we have it.
Real people
just being themselves.
(laughter)
Oh.
-(applause and cheering)
-That's good.
Is that Amy at the Apollo?
Yeah, but don't be surprised...
don't be surprised
if you start seeing that during
Dave's monologues from now on.
-BAMFORD: Oh, yeah.
-SPADE: Yeah.
Oh, we fix that in editing.
We use a lot of stock footage
of different crowds applauding.
They're real...
they're real people?
-They think that they're real
people? -Uh, she was
very real in that sex tape
years ago, but, uh...
-(audience groaning)
-Too soon?
-SPADE: Yeah. No.
-(applause, cheering, whistling)
-Too soon? Is that too s...?
-SPADE: I love it.
-Let's look at a clip.
-McHALE: Oh, no.
-BAMFORD: Oh! -GRIFFIN:
People don't know this.
They actually filmed that
at a funeral.
-Oh.
-(laughter)
SPADE: She's way ahead
of the game on that one.
Uh... Uh, no. I
think they-they seem, uh...
very, uh, natural up there.
The way they speak to each other
like mother, you know, or...
No, this isn't...
-That's not mother and daughter.
They're... -They're sisters.
-They're sisters. Oh, Jesus...
-Yeah.
-(laughter)
-I'm so sorry.
They do look like
mother and robot.
See, they're sisters. One's Kim,
and the other's a ladybug.
