From high atop the Scrapple News Tower in downtown
Philadelphia; I'm ap ticker and we're giving
this content away for free because otherwise….you'd
just steal it.
We begin in India where a Business criminal
flaunts his wealth by having gold threads
sewn into his clothes. The blouse is so expensive
is requires it’s own bodyguards. Meanwhile,
the rest of India is sucking the gum off of
food stamps to survive.
They just got welfare over there… So they’ll
pretty much eat anything.
Scientists say a man-made "dead zone" in the
Gulf of Mexico is an abuse of our natural
resources.  The massive ocean space is incapable
of supporting any life at all because of chemicals
and trash.  Developers aren’t dissuaded,
of course, and plans to build GARBAGE ISLAND
are now underway. This shangri-la of refuse
will attract the wealthiest of tourists to
it’s plastic beaches and chemically sterile
waters.
Did some one say vermin infested landfill?
...The New York City Health Department announced
that the man admitted to Mount Sinai Hospital
with violent flu-like symptoms “is unlikely
to have Ebola,” and probably just ate something
from a street vendor.
Meanwhile, whale sharks have appeared off
the shores of New York this week. Officials
advise residents to stay indoors after issuing
a Sharknado warning inside Manhattan.  
The subways aren’t much safer. This week
New York Transit discovered three trains were
infested with bed bugs. Yet another reason
to to move to Philly… Where the bedbugs
stay in your bed and don’t follow you to
work.
It’s cheaper to drink here, too.
Speaking of Philly; police, firefighters,
and ambulances responded to reports of a bomb
in a vacant Philadelphia lot on Friday morning.
Fortunately, it was just a prop bomb from
a local theater production. Police Officials
are going to take credit for a job well done,
anyway.  They could really use the win.
The Pope has called for youths to spend less
time on the Internet, saying “many young
people waste too many hours on futile things.”
So, Just forget the information superhighway,
put your fingers in your ears and hum gregorian
chants to an invisible man in the sky.
I know public opinion is behind this pope;
he looks like a sweet old man, I wanna pinch
his cheeks. And how can you not love this
guy after the Creepy Nazi that was the last
Pope? Regardless, these well meaning holy
men are doing more harm than good, also...
If he really wants to help the poor like he
claims, how about selling some the churches
vast real estate holdings and end poverty?
Walk the walk Cowboy….walk the walk.
Who’s the Pope of Science? It’s probably
Neil Degrasse Tyson… Bill Nye the Science
Guy? Ah, I always prefered Beakman's World,
myself.
Finally we end with the sad affair of James
Brown’s personal estate.  As his biopic
is being released, the musician’s wife reveals
a judge ordered Brown’s legs to be cut off.
Tissue samples were used to perform DNA tests
in a number of paternity suits… This is
truly sad… without his legs not even zombie
James Brown will “get on up” ever again.
When you need to feel like a sex machine turn
to the beverage recommended by nine out of
six dentists.  Philadelphia Brewing Company’s
Kenzinger Beer is fuel injected to make every
fool turn cool. For that extra zest in your
step, look to the brown bottle with the golden
goodness; Kenzinger.
Well that’s all for the news. I remain AP
Ticker; bangarang newsman, but you can call
me “Oh captain, my captain”.
