♪♪
♪♪
[ Static hisses ]
-Thank you all for being here.
I'm Gloria Harman from the
Paranormal Research Institute,
and this is Dr. Isaac Lund,
Head of Parapsychology
at Stanford.
-Now, we're quite interested
in your case,
as your encounter
has yielded verifiable evidence
proving the existence of ghosts.
-I mean, this is wild.
Like, we were just three buds
staying at an old hotel,
and now we see dead people.
-So, what happened when
the entities first appeared?
-Um, I was in my room,
and, like,
I felt goose bumps and saw,
like, a glowing presence near me
and a beautiful woman
named Abigail.
She needed my help
to cross over.
-Yeah, I was watching
"Ant-Man and The Wasp"
on the hotel TV,
which I was liking.
I find the concept of shrinkin'
pretty irresistible.
It's just, like, exciting to me,
I don't know.
-Right. Yeah, that's great.
But can we focus on your contact
with the spirit?
-Oh, yeah, you bet.
That's when I saw a man --
Arthur --
wearing a crisp suit
and a real friendly smile.
He, too, clearly had some
unfinished business here.
-And you, Ms. Rafferty.
-Yeah, um, a little
different for me.
I, uh -- I first got the hunch
something strange was afoot
when I yawned
and 1,000 bees flew out
of my open mouth.
[ Laughter ]
-And did an entity also
materialize before you?
-Yeah, except my ghost crawled
out of the TV, "Ring" style.
[ Laughter ]
-And this guy was like --
Picture Danny DeVito got hit by
a train, right?
And he goes,
"I'm Toby! Let's go!"
And then he yanks me
out of bed, and, mind you,
I'm wearing my PJs.
That's an XL men's "No Fear"
t-shirt and ankle socks.
So I'm running through the hotel
giving guests a nice view
of my fuzzy and my scuzzy.
[ Laughter ]
Between you, me,
and the coconut tree, sir,
it's a jungle down there.
I don't have a landing strip
so much as I got
an abandoned airfield.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, an experienced pilot can
land anywhere, right?
-Damn straight.
[ Laughter ]
-And were you two also led away
by these spirits?
-Yeah, Abigail took my hand
and gently guided me
to a nursing home nearby.
It became clear, like,
I was some sort of messenger.
-Arthur guided me across the
street to a closed-down theater.
I got the sense it was something
of a homecoming for him.
-What?
These two are making pottery
with Patrick Swayze.
Meanwhile, Beetlejuice got me
on one of those bird scooters...
[ Laughter ]
...looking for his ex-girlfriend
Shana's apartment.
And my nightshirt's snapping
like a sail in a stiff breeze,
so my baby tunnel
and gravy funnel
are in full view of traffic.
[ Laughter ]
Cars are slowing down,
they're honking.
They're screaming,
"Put some pants on!"
[ Laughter ]
Look at me, still stopping
traffic at 27 years old.
[ Laughter ]
-You're only 27? I'm sorry.
Um...
Now, what was this
unfinished business
these spirits needed
you for?
-Oh, well, Abigail takes me
to the bedside of this
sleeping old woman,
and it was her daughter.
She says, "Tell her
she was right."
-Hmm.
In the theater,
Arthur got onstage
and he began to sing and dance,
and suddenly the theater
looked as it did in its prime.
It was magical.
Like watching
"Honey, I Shrunk the Kids"
for the first time.
[ Laughter ]
-Well, once again, I take
the road less traveled,
and that has made
all the difference.
Because when we got to Shana's
place, Toby says in order
for him to cross over
I got to, quote,
"Upper deck that bitch's
toilet."
-I'm sorry, "upper deck?"
-Yeah.
Ever the gentleman, Toby
explained that's when you
do your business in the toilet
tank instead of the bowl.
The only problem is,
I don't got to go.
No torpedo in the tube.
You get what I'm saying, ma'am?
-Yes.
Yes, I do. Continue.
-Right, right.
So I head into Shana's bathroom
and I climb up there like --
Pardon me, Kirk.
Yeah, I got --
I got one foot over here
on the TP holder, right,
and the other foot
on the sink.
Now, I'm in a Van Damme split
just trying to get an assist
from gravity,
trying to kind of
rock one loose,
pushing as hard --
Like, real vein strainer,
just sort of --
And not even a pellet.
I'm going, you know,
and I'm --
I'm shaking,
and I got nothing, man!
I got nothing!
After 30 minutes...
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
...it became clear the groundhog
wasn't gonna see its shadow,
so I called it.
Wasn't an ideal end
to the night,
but at least I wasn't
alone on my birthday.
-[ Chuckling ]
[ Laughter ]
-Well, happy belated birthday.
How did the spirits depart?
-Well, a light appeared above,
and I don't know if it was
heaven or what, but Abigail
smiled and walked into it.
-Mmm.
The same light came for Arthur.
As he stepped into it,
I gave him a standing ovation.
-See, you know, that really
rips my nips.
[ Laughter ]
Because, man,
Toby just bailed on me --
poof, he's gone.
Just in time for Shana
to get home.
So I scoot myself
out of the window
and I'm shimmying down
that drain pipe
with my "Please hump it"
and my cheese trumpet
splayed for the
neighborhood.
And I'm thinking, Colleen,
you can't be staying up
all night
putting your body through this.
Patrick and Ryan
are gonna be furious.
-I'm sorry, who are Patrick
and Ryan?
-The gay couple whose baby
I'm carrying.
I'm a surrogate, pal.
[ Laughter ]
-Well, thank you.
And now we'd like to take you
for some more tests.
-You got an ultrasound
machine?
Because Patrick or Ryan are
begging for an update.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Projector clicking ]
[ Static hisses ]
-I'm Agent Morris
with the NSA,
and this is Special Agent
Kirkpatrick.
Now we know you've all
been through quite an ordeal,
so we appreciate you making
the trip to Washington
on such short notice.
-Yes, you three experienced
the first verified case
of alien abduction,
so naturally you are
of great interest
to the United States government.
-This is nuts, man.
I mean, we're just
small-town buds
who saw a UFO in the woods.
I mean, now we're hanging out
with the government.
-Okay. Now, after the blue
light pulled you into
the spacecraft, what is
your next memory?
-I came to and saw a beautiful
being made of, like,
a beautiful,
calming light.
-Yeah, same here.
That being touched my head,
and I felt every emotion
in its purest form.
It was amazing,
and I cried, sir.
-Okay. And you, Ms. Rafferty?
-Wow.
What floor were you guys on?
I woke up in a dirty metal dome,
and 40 little gray aliens
watched me pee in a steel bowl.
Then they took the bowl,
walked out.
-Interesting.
Were these beings
also bathed in light?
-Uh, no. No.
They were, uh, gray with big,
fat eyes and little mouths.
They just stared while I peed.
[ Laughter ]
I don't think I was dealing
with the top brass.
[ Laughter ]
-And how did they instruct you
to urinate?
Was that telepathically?
-Uh, no, no.
I, uh, woke up.
I had to pee like a camel.
So, uh, I started peeing,
and one of the gray aliens
slapped the wall
and pointed at the bowl,
so I got the hint.
I kind of duck-walked over
to the bowl, peed in it.
-Yes. I-I see.
Now, when you all awoke,
were you clothed?
-I was wrapped in, like,
a robe made out of warm,
glowing energy.
-Yeah, like a blanket
made out of pure love.
-Yeah, a little different
for me. Um...
[ Laughter ]
I, uh -- I had my shirt
I came in with,
but my pants were gone.
So, uh, my coot-coot was out.
I was full Porky-Piggin' it
in a drafty dome.
-Hmm.
-Now, did you all stay on
the same ship the entire time?
Or...
-Well, you know, my body did,
but my consciousness was showing
what lies beyond time and space.
It was so beautiful.
I'm sorry.
I'm just crying about it,
just thinking about it
a little bit.
-Okay.
Do you need a tissue?
-What? No, it's all right.
I'll just -- I'll use my shirt.
-Um, the aliens showed my mind
the furnace of all creation --
what we would call "God."
-What?
[ Laughter ]
These fancy cats
are seeing God.
Meanwhile, I'm starting phase 2,
which is me sitting on a stool
while 40 gray aliens
take turns gently batting
my knockers around.
[ Laughter ]
Did y'all get
the knocker stuff?
-Uh, no, no knocker stuff.
Sorry.
-And did you feel threatened,
Ms. Rafferty?
-No. No, no, no, no, no.
They were, uh -- they were real
respectful about it.
They were --
they were in a line...
[Chuckles] and then, one by
one, they'd step up,
slap a knocker, and then go to
the end of the line,
wait for another turn.
And it didn't hurt.
It was like -- I'm sorry,
pardon me, Sharon.
It was kind of like that.
No harm, no foul.
-That kind of hurts a little.
That hurts.
-Um, perhaps they were
collecting biological data?
-No.
No, that felt super
off-the-books.
[ Laughter ]
I swear to God, there was one
gray alien by a door,
just kind of...peeking.
[ Chuckles ]
You know?
I think he was the lookout.
[ Laughter ]
Look, it wasn't my worst
Wednesday night.
[ Laughter ]
-And how did the aliens return
you all to Earth?
-Oh, I was carried down gently.
[ Laughter ]
He's cryin'.
I was carried down gently
in a cradle of light
and placed into
a soft bed of wildflowers.
[ Laughter ]
-Yeah. Yeah.
The light, uh, laid me down like
a baby in a meadow
near my house.
I was smiling and weeping tears
of joy, sir.
-All right. Well, now,
this miffs me a little bit.
[ Laughter ]
'Cause, uh, my grand exit
was out of what was basically
like a big airplane toilet,
okay?
I, uh -- shoot.
I dropped down 7 feet
onto the roof of
a Long John Silver's.
They threw out my pants
separately.
They missed the roof.
My slacks landed in a frickin'
pine tree 30 feet away,
so I had to just chill
up there
with my damn coot-coot
and prune chute hanging out
till the place opened up.
[ Laughter ]
-Man.
-Man, you got screwed.
-Oh, you think, Todd?
-Well, we'd like
to take you guys
for physical examinations now.
-Yeah. All right. There gonna be
any knocker stuff?
-Um, possibly. I'm sorry.
-Oh, no. Don't be.
Just be gentle, 'cause they're
pretty banged up.
Tell me about God.
What's God's deal?
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Thank you all for coming.
I'm Dr. Markowitz with NASA,
and this is Dr. Hanley with the
Institute of Temporal Anomalies.
-We're obviously very
interested in your story,
as you are the first
three people
to have experienced a verified
time-travel event.
-Man, this is bananas.
I mean, we were just three buds
watching TV, and now we're,
like, quantum pioneers.
-Now please tell us how this
time portal appeared.
-Well, I got a free one-month
trial to the Showtime channel.
So, we was watching
"Ray Donovan,"
and, you know, I'm a fan.
I'm a sucker for conflicted
heroes --
good person, bad deeds.
That dichotomy
is very rich to me.
-Yeah, Wonderful, sir,
but if you could focus
on the time travel.
-Oh, right.
Well, so, me and her -- we was
on the couch when this glowing,
majestic gateway appeared.
We drifted into it and found
ourselves in a gorgeous city
made entirely of crystal
or something.
-Yeah, and, like, we were
welcomed by a group of people
made up of, like, all the races
of the world, and they said,
"We are the Council of Humanity.
This is the future."
It was so beautiful.
-And you, Ms. Rafferty?
[ Laughter ]
-A little different for me.
I must have been on the wrong
side of the portal or something,
because I wasn't so much
welcomed to the future
as I was violently sucked
a million years
into the past.
[ Laughter ]
I went to caveman times, man.
Got yanked so hard that my
sweats and my sneaks
stayed in the present,
and I land ass up,
face down in the mud
with my cooter and my tooter
on full display.
You know, and I'm thinking,
"Last time I was
in this position,
I got kicked out of
Woodstock '99."
[ Laughter ]
-And were there people there
to welcome you as well?
-"People" is such a strong word.
They were -- You know
on the evolution chart
where you see
how monkeys became human?
Yeah, these guys hadn't hit the
halfway mark yet.
[ Laughter ]
-Let's focus on what happened
in the future.
-Well, the Council of Humanity
showed us their city.
-Yeah, it was so beautiful.
I would have wept,
but, you know, I was all
cried out from watching
"Nurse Jackie" on Showtime.
-Probably enough Showtime stuff,
Dex.
-You know, these two are
walking around Wakanda.
Meanwhile, where I'm at,
it's "The Rise of
the Planet of the Apes,"
because all 50 of these
hairy, naked monkey people
are swarming at me,
and they start rubbing me
with their butts.
And I don't know if you've ever
been on the business end
of 50 balloon knots, but it
ain't exactly a Tuscan sunset.
[ Laughter ]
-Uh, perhaps this was some sort
of primitive religious ritual?
-Buddy, God had no part
in this.
They were -- They were
marking me with their scent.
And these guys weren't
exactly Zestfully clean, right?
So, they zebra-striped
my T-shirt so much,
I looked like
a Foot Locker employee.
[ Laughter ]
But, hey, it's never easy making
new friends, right?
-Noted. And what happened
next in the future?
-We was taken to this place
called The Oculus,
and inside was all these
gateways to other solar systems.
-Yeah, yeah.
And in each one was a planet
they'd colonized.
I couldn't believe I was chosen
to witness this.
-Well, I, too, was chosen --
chosen by the alpha female to be
her new girlfriend.
She comes at me like
a silverback, right?
She just rag-dolls me.
And, look, I ain't really into
ladies, but if nothing else
is open, I'll eat
at a Taco Bell.
You smell what I'm saying?
[ Laughter ]
-Yes, I think I do.
-Right, right. So, anyway,
this gal wants to bond, right?
So, I'm sorry.
You mind, Dex?
Yeah, she climbs on my back,
right?
She starts picking at me,
you know,
looking for stuff to eat.
And, unfortunately,
she's finding a buffet.
So, I guess the snack
got her in the mood,
'cause then she starts, like,
grinding into my head.
She was trying to mate
with my hair, I guess.
She's using my face for, like,
a handhold, right?
And then she goes back to
eating and she climbs
around the front,
and then she sees my ear,
which I guess she thinks
is some kind
of vending machine,
because she's just...
[ Babbling ]
[ Slurping ]
She's candling,
but there ain't no wax.
[ Slurping, exhaling ]
[ Babbles ]
-Okay.
Then, for the grand
finale, she reaches down.
She pops a finger up my keister,
like it's our second date
or something.
And I'm like, "Hey,
Curious Georgina,
last person to try that never
saw his wedding ring again."
[ Laughter ]
-Yes. Thank you for that.
-No problem.
And thank you, Dex.
Yes.
-Your jeans rug-burned my neck.
-Oh, yeah? Poor you.
I got bush-smushed
by a cavewoman.
You'll live.
-Now, how were you all brought
back to the present?
-Well, the portal opened up
beside us, and the council said,
"When fear is replaced by trust,
your world will begin
to change."
And then we were home.
-Yeah. It was the most
amazing thing
that's ever happened to me,
right up there with getting
that e-mail that said,
"You've been selected
for a free month
of the Showtime channel."
[ Laughter ]
-See, now, that's some
piss in my porridge,
'cause when I dove
in the portal to get home --
still pantsless, mind you --
I landed downward dog
in a Grand Hyatt ballroom
with my clam casino
and my bean burrito
right up in Barry Levine's face.
-And who is Barry Levine?
-Young man who's never gonna
forget his Bar Mitzvah,
that's who.
[ Laughter ]
-All right, well, we would
like to take you all
for a medical exam.
-Yeah. that might be a problem.
I got zero health insurance.
[ Cheers and applause ]
