>> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME
JULIA ROBERTS!
♪ ♪ ♪
 ( APPLAUSE )
 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HELLO?
>> HELLO.
>> Stephen: THANKS FOR BEING
HERE.
>> I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> I'M GOING TO START CRYING.
>> Stephen: GO AHEAD.
GO AHEAD.
>> THAT'S SO OVERWHELMING.
I'M GOING TO START WEEPING.
♪ ♪ ♪
♪ I WROTE A BOOK
I WROTE A BOOK
♪ IT'S A VERY GOOD BOOK
I'M HERE TO PROMOTE
♪ I'M HERE TO PROMOTE MY BOOK
I'M GONNA TALK TO STEPHEN
♪ IT'S GOING TO BE GREAT ♪
>> Stephen: WE LOVE HAVING YOU
ON THE SHOW.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: AND WHAT I DID NOT
KNOW UNTIL I WAS INFORMED THIS
AFTERNOON IS THAT TONIGHT, WITH
THIS APPEARANCE, YOU OVERTAKE
BERNIE SANDERS AS THE MOST
FREQUENT GUEST OF "THE LATE
SHOW," WITH STEPHEN COLBERT."
>> ( BLEEP ), BUDDY.
 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> YOU KNOW WHAT?
THERE IS A SHE THAT I DO WATCH
TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER.
"DRAG RACE."
>> Stephen: RUPAUL.
>> I LOVE THAT SO SO MUCH!
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU MET RU
PAUL.
>> NO.
>> Stephen: HE'S MY GUEST
TOMORROW NIGHT.
WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO SEND A
MESSAGE TO HIM.
IS THERE ANYTHING YOU'D LIKE TO
SAY TO HIM?
>> I COULDN'T TALK.
JUST SAY, "I LOVE YOU."
>> Stephen: WHY DON'T YOU SAY
IT TO YOU RIGHT NOW?
RU, ARE YOU-- ARE YOU--
>> HI!
HELLO!
>> OH, MY GOD!
 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!
>> THEY'RE SPARKLES.
>> Stephen: WHO HAVE YOU BEEN
SEEING THESE DAYS?
>> OH, I'VE BEEN SEEING NUMBER
27 FROM THE NEW YORK YANKEE S.
>> Stephen:  REALLY?
WHAT'S HIS NAME?
>> HIS NAME IS JOHN CARLO.
I'VE BEEN SEEING HIM ON TWITTER.
I'VE BEEN SEEING HIM IN MY
DREAMS A LOT.
WE TOGETHER.
>> Stephen: RIGHT.
HE IS-- NUMBER 27, HE IS 6'4",
250 POUNDS.
>> YES!
THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT,
SOMEBODY TO BURP ME!
OH!
 ( APPLAUSE )
 (  LAUGHTER  )
>> THANK YOU.
 ( APPLAUSE )
 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> WE WORK WITH YOUNG ACTRESSES
THAT ARE NEW IN THE BUSINESS.
A LOT OF TIMES THEY DON'T WANT
TO SAY WHAT THEY REALLY FEEL
ABOUT THINGS BECAUSE THEY DON'T
WANT TO OFFEND ANYONE BECAUSE
THEY'RE JUST
( MARRIOTT HOTELS ).
>> Stephen: SORRY.
>> HEY!
HEY!
>> Stephen: MY WATCH!
HOLD ON!
MAYA WATCH GOT A PHONE CALL, AND
I TRIED TO PUT MY HAND OVER IT
BECAUSE I TRIED TO PUT IT ASLEEP
BUT IT WAS A CALL FROM THE
MARRIOTT HOTEL.
>> YOUR AWARDS PROGRAM FROM
MARRIOTT INTERRUPTED MY TOUCHING
STORY.
ABOUT EMMA THOMPSON.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU DO TO
WIND DOWN AT THE END OF THE DAY?
>> I HAVE A GLASS OF WINE AND
CRY.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
LIKE, EVERYBODY ELSE.
>> Stephen: YOU'VE BEEN
READING MY JOURNAL.
>> Stephen: AND THE WINNER
IS...
>> OH, MY GOSH.
>> Stephen: LADY GAGA, BRADLEY
COOPER.
THIS YOU GO!
 ( APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪
>> HE'S THE WINNER!
 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
 (  LAUGHTER  )
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK
HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE, KEANU
REEVES?
>> I KNOW THAT THE ONES WHO LOVE
US WILL MISUS.
>> Audience: OH!
 ( APPLAUSE )
>> WHAT DO YOU...
WANT TO BE REMEMBERED FOR?
>> Stephen: OH, THAT'S EASY.
I WANT TO BE REMEMBERED AS THE
GUY WHO SAYS, "ALL RIGHT, ALL
RIGHT, ALL RIGHT."
 ( APPLAUSE )
 ( CHEERS )
>> THAT'S COOL.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
BUT I'M THE GUY WHO SAYS, "ALL
RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT."
 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: NOT IF MY OBITUARY
COMES OUT FIRST.
 ( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER HAD
AN IMPOSSIBLE BURGER?
>> NO, THAT'S WHAT.
>> Stephen: IT'S A VEGETARIAN
BURGER.
IT'S VERY DELICIOUS.
>> OH,.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER
TRIED ONE?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: WOULD YOU LIKE TO
TRY ONE?
>> YES.
I'M NOT-- NO!
NO!
 (  LAUGHTER  )
( BLEEP ).
>> Stephen: OPEN YOUR MOUTH.
OPEN YOUR MOUTH.
>> NO!
NO!
YOU CAN'T-- LISTEN, THIS IS--
THIS IS TH-- HONESTLY.
>> Stephen: BAAH!
 (  LAUGHTER  )
>> I COULD-- I COULD-- RIGHT.
LISTEN!
I COULD ( BLEEP ) TAKE YOU INTO
A TRIBUNAL FOR THIS.
"OPEN YOUR MOUTH!
OPEN YOUR MOUTH.
OPEN YOUR MOUTH."
>> WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST
IMPRESSION OF ME?
>> HE IS GOING TO BE SO HANDSOME
IN HIS LATE 50s.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
♪ TO-RO-LO-RU-LA♪
>> Stephen: YOU'RE LOUD.
>> YOU ASKED ME TO SING IN A
BOX.
>> Stephen: I DIDN'T KNOW HOW
LOUD YOU WERE.
>> AND THEN CRITICIZED THE
VOLUME?
>> Stephen: I'M NOT
CRITICIZING.
>> HEY, LOOK IT.
STORM TROOPER.
>> Stephen: CAN WE DO A PHOTO?
HERE, GET IN THE MIDDLE.
HOW MUCH IS THIS?
>> $10.
>> Stephen: $10?
IT'S $15 TO HAVE YOUR PHOTO
TAKEN WITH BRYAN CRANSTON, SO
YOU OWE MY $5 NOW.
I NOW HOST "THE LATE SHOW"" ON
CBS.
NO, I'M NOT KIDDING.
I DO.
>> ( BLEEP ) CARSON.
ANOTHER 85 POUNDS OF GENERIC
WHITE MALE MEDIOCRITY THAT SHOPS
AT THE LESBIAN WHITE HOUSE.
>> THAT'S NOT A VERY NICE THING
TO SAY.
THIS ANONYMOUS PERSON WANTS TO
KNOW DID ANYONE EVER HAVE SEX IN
THEIR DRESSING ROOM?
SHOW OF HANDS.
>> WHAT ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE'S
DRESSING ROOM.
>> Stephen: DID YOU!
THERE'S ONE HONEST PERSON.
>> AND THAT DID NOT INCLUDE ME.
F.Y.I.
WE ALL USED JOHNNY'S DRESSING
ROOM.
 ( LAUGHTER ).
>> YOU KNOW, CATS PROWL.
THEY SORT OF PROWL, ONE SHOULDER
IN FRONT OF THE OTHER, AND
THERE'S A BIT OF THAT, YEAH.
YEAH, THERE YOU GO.
AND THEN SHE WOULD SAY TO YOU,
"WHAT'S THAT NOISE!"
 (  LAUGHTER  )
 ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: I HAVE HEARD THAT
YOU REALLY WANT TO BE CATWOMAN.
>> I MEAN, I'M JUST NOT EVEN
GOING TO TRY TO GET THAT PART.
THERE'S JUST NO WAY IN HELL
THEY'RE GOING TO CAST ME-- GET
THAT OUT OF HERE.
>> Stephen: LET THEM KNOW
RIGHT NOW THAT YOU WANT TO BE--
 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> WHY?
 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: WHEN WE COME--
WHEN WE COME--
>> IS THAT WHAT A CAT DOES?
>> "MEANWHILE" COMING UP,
"MEANWHILE."
