>>THOUGH LONG FORGOTTEN,
NOTHING CAN COMPARE TO THE MAJESTY,
WISDOM, AND INTRIGUE OF THE GODS OF
THE ANCIENT GREEK PANTHEON.
>>I AM ZEUS.
GOD OF THE SKY, THE WEATHER, AND FATE.
COME TO ME ALL THOSE WHO QUESTION THEIR DESTINY.
>>I AM APHRODITE.
GODDESS OF LOVE, PASSION, AND BEAUTY.
I WILL FIND LOVE FOR THE LOVELESS.
>>I AM POSEIDON.
GOD OF THE RIVERS, SEAS, AND EARTH QUAKES.
BEWARE THE ELEMENTS.
>>I AM ARTEMIS.
GODDESS OF WILD ANIMALS, DISEASE, AND CHILDREN.
COME TO ME FOR ALL ANIMAL ATTACKS,
DISEASE ATTACKS, AND CHILD ATTACKS.
>>I AM DEMETER.
GODDESS OF AGRICULTURE.
FARM, AND I WILL BE THERE.
>>I AM MASTOS.
GOD OF SENSIBLE SPENDING.
NO ONE HAS LISTENED TO ME FOR THE LAST 30 YEARS.
>>I'M BARBATRONUS.
GOD OF AGING.
YOU WILL AGE WHETHER I DO ANYTHING OR NOT.
>>I AM MINOSCURUS.
GOD OF THE KIND OF GRASS THAT COWS EAT.
COME TO ME IF YOU'RE A COW.
>>I AM IMBECILIA.
GODDESS OF STUPIDITY.
COME TO ME WITH YOUR BAD DECISIONS AND I WILL MAKE
THEM MORE STUPIDER-ERLY.
HEH.
>>I AM KILGERBON.
GOD OF ALL REAL AND ANIMATED CATS.
I WILL ONE DAY RULE THE EARTH!
>>I AM RANTHALEON.
GOD OF ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
>>I AM FINNESIA. GODDESS OF NICHOLAS CAGE.
I AM WAY SORRY.
>>I AM JARUBADINKA.
GODDESS OF RIDICULOUS NAMES.
ALL BABIES BORN IN 2014, COME TO ME A TEN YEARS
WHEN YOU'RE BEING RELENTLESSLY TEASED.
>>I AM GRETTERGORN.
I LIKE SPORTS.
WAIT, WHAT ARE WE DOING?
>>I AM GOBARIUM.
GOD OF SAYING, "GO BURY 'EM,"
WHEN PEOPLE ASK WHAT TO DO WITH CORPSES.
>>I AM DESDONIA.
GOD OF THE WALK-MAN AND MINI-DISC PLAYER.
I'M SEVERELY DEPRESSED.
>>I AM CANTUS-SHEPANTUS.
GOD OF 
UNFINISHED-- WAS THAT A BIRD?
>>I AM HEMALORUS.
GOD OF RUNNING OUT OF TOILET PAPER. FEAR ME.
>>I AM MORGAN FREEMAN.
GOD OF NARRATION.
AND WE ARE THE GODS OF THE ANCIENT GREEK PANTHEON.
