>> Stephen: WHOO!
WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO -- "A
LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
WE'RE LIVE.
I DON'T REALLY KNOW HOW BECAUSE
WE GENERALLY DO THESE COVID
SHOWS WITH, LIKE, BAILING WIRE
AND DUCT TAPE TO BEGIN WITH, AND
I JUST WANT TO GIVE A SHOUT OUT
TO MY WRITERS, THE WHOLE STAFF,
THE CREW, FOR EVERYBODY MAKING
THIS.
I DON'T KNOW HOW.
IS IT ACTUALLY HAPPENING OR ARE
YOU HUMORING ME?
>> IT'S ACTUALLY HAPPENING.
>> Stephen: IT'S ACTUALLY
HAPPENING.
IT IS NIGHT ONE OF THE D. J. DEM
NATIONAL CONVENTION AND THEY'RE
TELLING ME WHY.
I'VE GOT THE BUG IN THE CORNER.
WE CAN PROVE IT'S ACTUALLY 11:49
YOU JUST LOOK AT A CLOCK IN THE
ROOM WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW.
THERE IT IS.
A HUGE NIGHT.
THE SIZE OF THE HUGENESS LARGE.
I OWE YOU ONE.
FOLKS, FOR FOUR YEARS WE'VE
LOOKED ON IN HORROR AS DONALD
TRUMP TORE DOWN EVERY NORM IN
AMERICAN LIFE FROM THE
CONSTITUTION TO ENGLISH SYNTAX
TO THE DEFINITION OF FOOD
PYRAMID.
WELL, TONIGHT THE DEMOCRATS
BEGIN WHAT JOE BIDEN HAS CALLED,
"A BATTLE FOR THE SOUL OF THIS
NATION," BUT THAT WE'RE CALLING:
>> Stephen: DEMOCRATS
ASSEMBLE.
>> ARE YOU READY TO GO?
PERSON, WOMAN, MAN, CAMERA,
TV.
>> I AM KASICH.
>> Stephen: SPEAKING OF JOHN
KASICH, THE FORMER REPUBLICAN
GOVERNOR OF OHIO WAS ONE OF THE
SPEAKERS TONIGHT.
HE WAS THERE TO UNDERLINE THE
THEME OF THIS CONVENTION:
UNITING AMERICA.
SLIGHTLY MORE INSPIRING THAN THE
REPUBLICAN CONVENTION THEME:
"GAS PROTESTORS AND THROW
MAILBOXES INTO THE SEA."
THE DEMOCRATS OPENED THE NIGHT
WITH A CELEBRITY CAMEO:
>> GOOD EVENING.
I'M EVA LONGORIA BASTON.
>> Stephen: WOW.
TRUMP DESPERATELY NEEDS THE
SUBURBAN HOUSEWIVES, BUT BIDEN
BEAT HIM TO THE DESPERATE
HOUSEWIVES.
THOUGH, NEXT WEEK, I THINK THE
R.N.C. WILL HAVE AT LEAST ONE
DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE.
THEN THE CONVENTION WAS KICKED
OFF IN EARNEST WITH A MONTAGE OF
AMERICANS OF EVERY STRIPE
RECITING THESE FAMOUS WORDS:
p>> WE THE PEOPLE.
>> WE THE PEOPLE.
>> WE THE PEOPLE.
>> NOSOTROS.
>> WE THE PEOPLE.
>> WE THE PEOPLE.
>> WE THE PEOPLE OF THE UNITED
STATES.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW HOW, WHEN
YOU REPEAT SOMETHING OVER AND
OVER AGAIN, IT STARTS TO LOSE
ALL MEANING?
THIS IS THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF
THAT.
BECAUSE THE THEME OF THE NIGHT
WAS "WE THE PEOPLE," AND REGULAR
PEOPLE WERE FEATURED ALL
EVENING.
I WAS DEEPLY MOVED.
NOT JUST BECAUSE SOME OF MY BEST
FRIENDS ARE PEOPLE.
IT'S BECAUSE THIS FEELS LIKE
THIS IS THE REAL BEGINNING OF
THE ELECTION.
A CHANCE FOR THE AMERICAN PEOPLE
TO DO THE WORK THAT OUR ELECTED
OFFICIALS
FAILED TO DO FOR THE PAST FOUR
YEARS: TO HOLD DONALD TRUMP
ACCOUNTABLE.
IT'S A LITTLE BIT LIKE WE'RE IN
THE MIDDLE OF A ROAD TRIP AND
FINALLY REALIZED DAD'S LOST AND
WE HAVE TO TAKE THE WHEEL.
AND ALSO SEND DAD TO JAIL FOR
STEALING THE CAR.
( LAUGHS )
THE EVENING WAS FILLED WITH
BEAUTIFUL MOMENTS LIKE, TO
PERFORM THE NATIONAL ANTHEM,
THEY HAD SINGERS FROM EACH
STATE.
IT WAS THE MOST MOVING GAP AD
EVER.
THE DEMOCRATS TRIED TO KEEP IT
CASUAL.
>> WE'RE GOING TO CHECK IN WITH
FOLKS AROUND THE COUNTRY AND
ASK, "HOW ARE YOU DOING?"
>> Stephen: HONESTLY, I'M
FEELING PRETTY WEIRD.
I'M DOING A LIVE TV SHOW FROM A
FAKE OFFICE TRYING TO MAKE JOKES
WHILE THE REPUBLIC HANGS BY A
THREAD.
OH, WAIT, YOU WEREN'T TALKING TO
ME.
I'M SORRY.
NOW, ONE OF THE AMERICANS THEY
CHECKED IN WITH WAS A WOMAN
NAMED MICHELLE, A SCHOOL NURSE
FROM EL PASO, TEXAS, WHO ROCKED
A COOKIE MONSTER "LATE NIGHT
MUNCHIES" SCRUB TOP.
VERY NICE, BUT IT COULD BE
AWKWARD.
BIDEN WAS PLANNING TO ACCEPT THE
NOMINATION IN THE SAME OUTFIT.
I HAVE TO SAY, WATCHING THE
FIRST NIGHT OF THE CONVENTION
WAS VERY INSPIRING.
IT GAVE ME HOPE.
BECAUSE IT BROUGHT ME BACK TO
WHERE I WAS FOUR YEARS AGO: IN A
ROOM WITH OTHER PEOPLE.
WE HEARD FROM CONGRESSMAN JIM
CLYBURN:
>> GOOD EVENING, I'M CONGRESSMAN
JIM CLYBURN, HERE IN HISTORIC--
>> STANDBY.
>> GOOD EVENING, I'M
CONGRESSMAN JIM CLYBURN.
>> Stephen: WHAT AN EMBARRASSING
MISTAKE.
OH.
WHAT AN EMBARRASSING MISTAKE.
THE REPUBLICANS ATTACKED DONALD
TRUMP AND THE REPUBLICAN
ADMINISTRATION WITH THE MOST
VICIOUS CHEAP SHOT IMAGINABLE:
ACCURATELY DESCRIBING HIS
PRESIDENCY.
THERE WERE SCENES OF ECONOMIC
DISASTER, PROTESTORS IN THE
STREET, AND A HEARTBREAKING IN
MEMORIAM REEL OF EVERYONE
WHO HAS DIED OF CORONAVIRUS.
THEN THIS MESSAGE FROM AN
AVERAGE AMERICAN WHO SPOKE ABOUT
HOW HER FATHER, A TRUMP
SUPPORTER, PASSED AWAY FROM
 ORONAVIRUS. PASSED AWAY FROM
>> HIS ONLY PREEXISTING
CONDITION WAS TRUSTING DONALD
TRUMP, AND FOR THAT HE PAID WITH
HIS LIFE.
>> Stephen: HOW ARE THE
REPUBLICANS GOING TO ANSWER
THAT STARK REALITY IN THEIR
CONVENTION?
 (AS TRUMP)
"I NEED YOU TO GO OUT THERE AND
DANCE YOUR HEART OUT, MY PILLOW
GUY."
IT WAS A NIGHT THAT FEATURED
AMERICANS OF EVERY KIND.
WE EVEN GOT A PERFORMANCE FROM I
THINK A FOREST WITCH.
VERY POWERFUL.
AND IT REMINDS ME: I NEED TO GET
MY DREAMCATCHER BACK FROM
COYOTE.
NOW, AT ONE POINT, THEY CUT AWAY
FOR SOME QUICK REACTION SHOTS
FROM THE AUDIENCE, AND THEN
THEY STAYED ON THESE TWO WOMEN
FOR━- AND I'M ROUNDING DOWN NO━-
ABOUT 100 YEARS.
AH, ALL THE AWKWARDNESS OF THE
KISS CAM WITH NONE OF THE FUN OF
A BASEBALL GAME.
AND THEN, DEMOCRATS INTRODUCED
SOME FOLKS YOU WOULDN'T EXPECT
TO SEE AT A DEMOCRATIC
CONVENTION: NON-DEMOCRATS.
AND NOT JUST BERNIE SANDERS.
WE HEARD FROM A SLATE OF
REPUBLICANS WHO ARE SUPPORTING
JOE BIDEN.
>> I'M GOVERNOR CHRISTINE TODD
WHITMAN.
WHAT AM I DOING HERE?
>> Stephen: (AS WHITMAN)
"LAST THING I REMEMBER, I WAS
OPENING A HALF GALLON BOTTLE OF
GOLDSCHLAGER.
WHERE ARE MY PANTS?"
IM SURE SHES FINE.
REPUBLICAN JOHN KASICH OPENED
WITH A VISUAL METAPHOR.
SUBTLE, SEE IF YOU CAN SPOT IT.
>> AMERICA IS AT A CROSSROADS.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
"OH, I KNOW THAT PLACE.
THAT'S WHERE I MADE A DEAL WITH
THAT FIERY RED GUY."
KASICH SPOKE OF HIS LONG HISTORY
WITH JOE BIDEN.
>> I'VE KNOWN JOE BIDEN FOR 30
YEARS.
>> Stephen: (AS KASICH)
"AND I WILL RELY ON THAT
RELATIONSHIP WHEN I ASK HIM TO
PICK ME UP FROM THIS FIELD I'VE
BEEN ABANDONED IN.
JOE CARES.
JOE WANTS JOHNNY K TO COME
HOME."
THEN IT WAS TIME TO TALK ABOUT
THE HOTTEST, SEXIEST ISSUE OF
2020: THE POST OFFICE!
TO KICK IT OFF, THE PARTY TURNED
TO A RISING LATINA SUPERSTAR IN
CONGRESS.
NO, NOT A.O.C., NEVADA SENATOR
CATHERINE CORTEZ-MASTO.
>> THIS YEAR, MORE AMERICANS
THAN EVER BEFORE ARE GOING TO
VOTE FROM ROOMS JUST LIKE THIS.
>> Stephen: UNLESS YOU LIVE IN
NEW YORK.
THEN YOUR ROOM WILL BE HALF THE
SIZE AND YOUR SINK WILL BE
INSIDE YOUR STOVE FOR SOME
REASON.
THEY HAD A MONTAGE OF THE OTHER
DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL NOMINEES
VOICING THEIR SUPPORT OF JOE
BIDEN.
I ASSUME MARIANNE WILLIAMSON
WASN'T INCLUDED BECAUSE SHE WAS
BUSY TEACHING A FOREST GNOME HOW
TO USE A CRYSTAL TO TALK
TO A WISH.
THEN THERE WAS EVEN A SPECIAL
SECTION ON BIDEN'S FAVORITE MODE
OF TRANSIT:
>> HE KNOWS WHAT IT'S LIKE TO
TAKE THE TRAIN TO WORK .
>> Stephen: SMART PLOY. TUG AT
OUR HEARTSTRINGS BY MAKING US
NOSTALGIC FOR THE BYGONE PASTIME
OF "TRAVELING ANYWHERE."
AND JOE BIDEN'S DAUGHTER
EXPLAINED HER DAD'S
CONNECTION WITH EVERYDAY
AMERICANS.
>>  HE WOULD TREAT THE CONDUCTOR
THE SAME WAY AS WOULD THE
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
>> Stephen: OH NO, HE'S GOING TO
KICK THAT CONDUCTOR'S ASS IN
NOVEMBER.
THEN IT WAS TIME FOR THE TWO BIG
PRIMETIME SPEAKERS.
THE FIRST WAS VERMONT SENATOR
BERNIE SANDERS, SEEN HERE
DEMANDING MORE RAISINS IN HIS
RAISIN BRAN.
 (AS BERNIE)
"CONSTITUTIONALLY, I HAVE THE
RIGHT TO TWO SCOOPS!"
BERNIE MAY NOT BE THE CANDIDATE,
BUT HE HAS GOTTEN THE PARTY TO
EMBRACE HIS "MEDICARE-FOR-ALL"
PLAN, LEADING ONE FORMER
COLLEAGUE TO SAY, "HE MAY FEEL A
LITTLE BIT LIKE MOSES."
 (AS BERNIE)
"LOOK, THANK YOU FOR THE
COMPLIMENT, BUT I KNEW MOSES.
I'M NOTHING LIKE THE GUY.
THE TOP TEN PERCENT OF HIS
COMMANDMENTS ONLY APPLIED TO THE
TOP ONE PERCENT OF THE TRIBE
OF ZEB-U-LIN!
NOW WHERE IS THE MILK AND HONEY
FOR MY DAMN RAISIN BRAN?"
BERNIE ADDRESSED AMERICA FROM
OUR NATIONAL STRATEGIC STOCKPILE
OF FIREWOOD.
AND HE ADDRESSED THE SERIOUS
ISSUES FACING PEOPLE TODAY.
>> MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ARE
WONDERING HOW THEY'RE
GONNA FEED THEIR KIDS.
>> Stephen: (AS BERNIE)
"AND I HAVE ONE QUESTION: COULD
YOU FEED THEM LOGS?
BECAUSE I HAVE A TON OF LOGS.
LOTTA FIBER. IT'S LIKE METAMUCIL
ON A STICK."
THEN, THE PRODUCTION CUT TO
EVERYDAY AMERICANS' REACTION TO
BERNIE'S SPEECH.
ONLY THEY DIDN'T SEEM TO KNOW
THEY WERE ON CAMERA UNTIL IT WAS
TOO LATE.
( APPLAUSE )
( APPLAUSE )
BUT THE BIG HEADLINER WAS FORMER
FIRST LADY MICHELLE OBAMA.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THERE'S NO AUDIENCE HERE-- THAT
JUST HAPPENS AUTOMATICALLY
WHENEVER I SAY THE NAME
"MICHELLE OBAMA."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU.
SHE BEGAN WITH A STIRRING
MESSAGE:
>> GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
>> Stephen: GOOD EVENING
EVERYONE!
EVERYONE!
SHE SAID HI TO ME!
THEY MUST HAVE GONE PRETTY LOW,
BECAUSE JUST SEEING HER MAKES ME
FEEL HIGH.
SPEAKING OF WHICH, SHE CALLED
BACK TO HER FAMOUS 2016
CATCHPHRASE.
>> OVER THE LAST 4 YEARS, A LOT
OF PEOPLE ASKED ME WHEN OTHERS
ARE GOING SO LOW, DOES GOING
HIGH STILL REALLY WORK?
MY ANSWER: GOING HIGH IS THE
ONLY THING THAT WORKS.
>> Stephen: A SOLID POLICY FOR
BOTH AMERICA AND DAVE MATTHEWS
CONCERTS.
THEN THE TONE GOT REAL.
>> IF YOU THINK THINGS CANNOT
POSSIBLY GET WORSE TRUST ME,
THEY CAN AND THEY WILL IF WE
DON'T MAKE A CHANGE IN THIS
ELECTION.
>> Stephen: THAT WAS A SHORT
WALK FROM "HOPE AND CHANGE" TO
"DUCK AND COVER!"
THEN SHE MADE THE STRONGEST
POSSIBLE ENDORSEMENT:
>> I KNOW JOE.
>> Stephen: GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!
RELEASE THE BALLOONS --
HE KNOWS MICHELLE OBAMA!!
OH, THERE'S MORE!
OK, GO AHEAD.
KNOW JOE.
HE IS A PROFOUNDLY DECENT MAN,
GUIDED BY FAITH.
HE WAS A TERRIFIC
VICE PRESIDENT.
HE KNOWS WHAT IT TAKES TO RESCUE
AN ECONOMY, BEAT BACK A
PANDEMIC, AND LEAD OUR COUNTRY,
AND HE LISTENS!
>> Stephen: AS OPPOSED TO
TRUMP, WHO KNOWS HOW TO BEAT
BACK AN ECONOMY, IGNORE A
PANDEMIC, DIVIDE OUR COUNTRY,
AND HE GLISTENS!
THE FORMER FIRST LADY CONTINUED
LISTING JOE'S QUALIFICATIONS.
>> HE WILL TELL THE TRUTH AND
TRUST SCIENCE.
>> Stephen: WOW, FOUR YEARS OF
TRUMP HAS REALLY LOWERED THE BAR
FOR PRESIDENT.
I SUPPORT JOE BIDEN, HE BELIEVES
THE EARTH OR BITS THE SUN AND HE
WON'T STAB YOU.
FORMER FLAID ENDED ON A POWERFUL
NOTE --
>> WE HAVE GOT TO DO EVERYTHING
WE CAN TO ELECT MY FRIEND JOE
BIDEN AS THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES.
THANK YOU ALL.
GOD BLESS.
>> Stephen: I WILL BE HONEST
WITH YOU -- MY JOB IS TO HAVE A
JOKE FOR EVERY TIME SOMEBODY
SAYS ANYTHING IN PUBLIC.
AFTER WATCHING MICHELLE OBAMA'S
SPEECH, I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE
HAPPY TO FAIL AT MY JOB.
AND WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR
YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS AMBASSADOR SUSAN
RICE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, I TAKE YOU
ON A VIRTUAL TOUR OF MILWAUKEE!
STICK AROUND, EVERYBODY.
