♪ Welcome to Vlogmas
where I vlog every day ♪
♪ It'll probably be boring
but I hope you'll stay ♪
Merry Christmas, or
whatever you celebrate.
- Good morning everybody.
I did my makeup before I vlogged today
so you're welcome for that.
But I have not done my hair
obviously, I look like Miranda.
Look how cute this is
Erik pinned up this sheet
hoping it would blackout the
room so that I could sleep in.
(laughs)
It didn't work but it was
really sweet of him to try.
He used chip bag clips to hang it up.
Anyway, I wanted to show
you the camera Jo Jo got me.
This is it, It's so pretty.
You can't even tell really on
camera how much it sparkles
but these are all rhinestones
and they're purply blue,
but then when you turn it,
and then purple and pink,
it's really pretty.
But, anyway, I'm going
to set this up today
so I can start using this one 'cause
it's the coolest present ever from Jo Jo.
Thanks Jo Jo.
All right, so today we have
a birthing person coming over
and teaching me how to birth a baby.
Oh my God, I'm so scared.
I'm literally so scared of birth guys.
I'm like terrified and I know
you're not supposed to be,
like, I've watched videos on hypnobabies
and hypnobirthing which
is like this hippie,
really cool way of thinking
of like, it's not scary,
it's beautiful, it's
natural, you're a warrior,
it's amazing, I want to have that mindset.
I want to go into it
being like I can do this.
This is going to be awesome,
it's going to be fun,
it's going to be so cool.
But all I can think about is my lady bits
ripping in pieces and it just scares me
and I don't want to experience that.
I don't like pain, I'm not good with pain,
as you guys have seen
in the last nine months
on my channels, me crying
freaking all the time,
so embarrassingly because
I can't handle pain.
So, I'm really nervous to give birth
so hopefully today I'll
get a little bit of comfort
from this woman and
she'll give me some tips
and tricks on how to birth a baby.
Anyway, I'm not wearing clothes.
Do you guys want to see
my outfit of the day?
This is literally what I
wear to bed every night.
I wear booty shorts, and a like cloth bra.
You know, some people
ask me what this line is.
See I have this line on my stomach?
That is a line,
I forgot what it's called.
Basically, like your ab indicator.
So it indicates where your abs used to be.
So I guess that, you
know, everyone has abs,
and then when you're
pregnant, the abs rip in half,
essentially, not rip
but just break in half,
so the abs over here went
to this side of my body
and the abs on this side
went to this side of my body.
This is like the line
where the abs once existed.
So, some girls get this
line, some girls don't.
It goes away after you give birth
but I had always seen
that on pregnant women
and I was like, "What is that?"
And then now I have it, I'm like, "Oh."
It's, like, something
that a lot of girls get.
I guess usually it goes
on girls with darker
complexion or darker
skin and I'm like so pale
so I'm so confused why
I have it but whatever.
It goes away after you
give birth, cool, rock it.
Loving it, living my best life.
I'm looking at myself in the mirror,
and I'm just like, how did this happen?
I mean I know how it happened
but how did my body stretch to do this?
Wild.
But guys, my body used to go like here.
Right there is where my like stomach was,
like I was this little tiny bloop
that's where my stomach
was, that's where I ended.
Like where did ...
How did the skin stretch this much?
How do bodies do it?
It's wild that a body
can do this, it's wild.
How does this happen?
I can't believe this
is how humans are made.
I've had a day.
So, we had a birthing class.
I'm at Marshalls right now,
people are staring at me.
So we had a birthing class today.
Here's some footage from that.
(playful music)
It was stressful.
I'll fill you in on what
happened with that later.
But Erik and I were stressed
and filled with anxiety.
So, we went to McDonald's.
Now we're at Marshalls Christmas shopping.
I'm totally farting as I'm walking
down the aisles in
Marshalls, don't tell on me.
We are Christmas shopping
at Marshalls right now
and I'm having a hard time.
I'm waddling, I'm in pain,
I just want to sit down,
but I will not let that stop
me from Christmas shopping.
This baby is not gonna stop
me from enjoying Christmas.
Well, now I'm in the car
because the pain got too bad.
My feet and my legs and my
pelvic bone all were throbbing.
Man, pregnancy is dumb.
(Colleen laughing)
So he was like, "Take the
keys, just go sit in the car."
'Cause I could barely walk.
It's so frustrating, you
guys, it's so frustrating.
'Cause I have energy, my mind is awake
and ready to go and do things.
And my energy and my
spirit is like, motivated
and wanting to work and have energy
but my body won't let
me, it's so frustrating
to have my mind and my soul
not match up with my body.
So I'm like, "Let's go do
things, let's go have fun.
"Let's go shopping, let's
look at Christmas lights.
"Let's make a video,
let's, you know, work."
And my body's like,
nah, you gotta lay down.
It's just so frustrating,
it's so frustrating!
Anyway.
Here's the tea, I'm having a hard time
and I wonder if there's
any other pregnant people
or women who have been
pregnant watching this.
I know I have a younger audience
but I also know that there's
some people out there
who watch me who have kids
or who are about to have kids
or many combinations of that.
And I'm curious if any of
you struggled with this
but I've been having a hard time with
anxiety and stress
and fear of birth.
No part of birth and labor sounds exciting
or fun or cool
or magical.
It all sounds terrifying to the point
where when I think about it, I cry
and shake and have an anxiety attack.
I know that I experienced
one today really badly
and was sobbing and shaking
and hyperventilating
and freaking out right
after the breathing class.
The woman who came into the house, Ardula,
was wonderful and so well-educated
and so smart and kind and lovely.
It had nothing to do with her.
It had nothing to do
with the way she taught.
She was wonderful, this
has nothing to do with her.
This is me and my weird fear of birth
and pain and stress.
With birth, it's like
you're not looking at like,
"Oh, I get to have a sweet baby."
You're looking at like, your vagina might
tear in half up to your butt hole
or they might have to have an emergency
c-section, your kid
might die, you might die.
You're going to be in pain
for 24ish hours or more.
And then you're not allowed to eat
while you're at the hospital.
Your going to be hooked
up to all this stuff
and you can't get out of your bed.
You hear all these things
that sound horrible
and you're like, "Well,
I don't want to do that."
And so my brain went, "I
don't want to do that."
And I just, like, freaked out.
The doula was actually talking
about birth very positively
and was like, "You know, it
doesn't have to be horrible.
"I'm going to teach you
how to deal with the pain."
She was really wonderful
and she did a great job
but my mind couldn't get out of this fear
and stress and anxiety, I
just wanted to ignore it all.
And I was like, "I know
how my mind works."
And after she left, I realized
I just need to go into birth thinking
this is just going to be fun chill time
with Erik and Rachel in the room
and we're just going to laugh
and sometimes it's gonna
hurt and I'll be like,
"Meh, whatever and we'll get through it."
But to know every detail with
what's going on with my body,
what's going on with
the baby, why it hurts,
that it's gonna hurt a lot.
Thinking about all that
stuff just made it horrible.
I am so terrified, I literally
was sobbing after she left.
I was like, "I don't want to do it,
"I can't do it, I can't do it."
Erik had hugged me and calmed me down.
I was, like, freaking out.
And I was like, "Everyone does
this, why am I such a baby?"
Women do this all the time, every day.
There is a woman giving birth right now.
Women do it every day
and I don't know why it's
freaking me out so much.
What's wrong with me that
I can't just be like,
"Yeah, I'm gonna birth a baby."
I don't know.
So my question is do any
other moms go through this?
'Cause I am struggling
and I'm not excited about
labor and delivery.
I am terrified.
So, we went to McDonald's
to try and cheer up,
and we went on a walk and
then we went to Marshalls
and now my feet hurt to much to walk.
So Erik's coming, I love him so much.
He's so cute.
Hi lovey.
- [Erik] Smells like farts.
- Good morning.
So, today, I have to go to the doctor.
Then, I have to go to the chiropractor
and then, I'm riding with my brother.
Hopefully the doctor goes well.
Apparently they have to
scrape at my lady bits today
which sounds really fun
at nine in the morning.
I'm trying to make myself look presentable
for the people are about to
stick their fingers in my bits.
Pregnancy.
Alrighty, so I just finished the doctor,
now I'm going to the chiropractor.
I've so much to do today.
My doctor made me feel so much
better, I just have to say.
I was so stressed and
so overwhelmed yesterday
with the birthing class.
And then now, today, after
talking with my doctor
I'm like, "Oh, I feel so much better."
'Cause he just reassured
me, he was just like,
"You just got to go into
it with an open mind
"and just, you know,
we'll try to make it fun.
"We don't know what is going to happen.
"We can't predict what could go right
and what could go wrong so,
you just gotta go into it
being like, all right, let's do this.
And we'll deal with things as they come.
And that made me feel so much better
'cause that's how I work.
I know that that's not how everyone works
and some people need to go in
with like a really specific
plan of the things they need
and the things they want.
But for me, I was like,
"Okay, this is a big event
"in my life, having a
baby and what are other
big events I've had in
my life and how have
I dealt with those and
been chill about it?"
'Cause I'm usually not a
panicky, stressed person.
So, it's annoying to
me that I'm so stressed
and panicky about this.
And it's because I'm
approaching it totally different
than I approach every
stressful big event in my life.
So like, when I go on tours, or when I did
Haters Back Off, when I
write my books, or when I
have big events, or big scary
projects that I'm working on,
stuff like that.
I don't go into it going like,
"Here are all the million
minuscule facts and things
"that could go wrong and could go right
and here's all the specifics."
If someone sat me down
for three hours and told
me every detail about every single project
I worked on I wouldn't do them.
I would be like, "This sounds stressful.
"I'm not going on tour,
I'm not gonna do that."
For me, personally, everyone is different.
Everyone is very different.
But I know myself, and I know
that I go into big projects
going, like, "I can do this.
"I'm gonna bust this out
and if there's problems
"I'll deal with them as they come.
"But I know that I can handle this."
And I feel like that's
how I have to approach
my birthing situation.
I need to go into it going like,
"I can do this, I can bust this out."
If a problem happens I've
got a really great doctor
there and I trust myself
and we'll figure it out.
But if I go into it
knowing every detail of
what's going to happen
to my freaking vagina
and know every detail
of what could happen to
my baby and all the things
that could go wrong,
and all the different ways he can get hurt
or I can get hurt, and
I have to avoid this
and I have to avoid that.
Like, I feel like I just
am gonna panic and be like,
"Give me a c-section and
I need it to be over."
'Cause that's how I approach
every situation in my life.
I'm typically a very positive,
go-getter type of person
and so I don't think I should
approach this situation
any differently, because if I do
then that's out of character for me
and it's not gonna go well.
I need to approach this, like
I approach everything else.
Cool?
See you later.
Hello it's many hours later.
(singing)
A lot of things happened today.
Change of events, I am making dinner
'cause it calms me down but
I'm having a stressful day.
So a lot of, like, random stuff
popped up that I had to do.
And it was very stressful
but now it's much later
in the night and I'm going to make
some honey mustard curry
chicken and rice and potatoes.
Try to enjoy my evening, so I
put on some musical theater.
I'm just going to enjoy my freaking night!
So, this recipe is really
good and really easy
it's just honey and mustard,
curry, salt, pepper,
and garlic.
(Colleen burps)
I got caught listening to theater.
- [Erik] I got something for you.
- You got something for me, what?
(singing)
- All right you told me.
- What, what did you do?
Cookies!
More cookies!
You got every kind?
My God.
Did you really get every--
(laughter)
Earlier today, I said I wanted
the chocolate, I wanted the--
- Oh no, one more.
- I said I wanted the
Breakaway, like, cookies
from the refrigerator section
that you just break and throw in the oven.
He said, "What kind?"
I said, "All the kinds."
I was, like, feeling
very pregnant and grumpy.
And he literally got every single kind.
Thank you.
Dinner's done and I burnt a lot things.
But we got the rice,
honey mustard chicken,
which is a little burnt,
potatoes which are burnt,
but I like those burnt and broccoli.
Let's eat.
Delicious.
- [Erik] Yum!
(jazz music)
