- I'll tell you on a grand scale
who's helping nobody lose weight.
It's Starbucks, this is true.
They have a National Training Campaign.
To try to trick you into ordering food.
And this is why.
They know you're going
to order a beverage.
So they try to lead you into food.
Pull into any Starbucks drive through
and now they great you they say,
welcome to Starbucks,
what could we get started
for you to eat today.
And you're like wait, what?
I just wanted coffee.
And they're like no shit.
(audience laughing)
What else do you want?
So then you're like I don't know, sausage?
Like what do you have?
(audience laughing)
I don't respect that.
I like my shame straight up and honest.
And nobody does that
better than the West Coast
burger chain In-N-Out.
And if you've never been,
if you've never been in In-N-Out,
get your fucking life together and go.
And I want you to go simply
so you can experience
the most shameful and honest
question in all of fast food.
Because you pull up and you
go, I'll have a double-double,
fries and a coke, and they go,
"will you be eating in the car?"
(audience laughing)
Yeah I think so.
And they go
"I bet you will you fat
fucking pile of garbage."
I was in London, Canada.
They have one.
Doesn't that kind of
bother you a little bit.
Like when a barely city is like,
lets just name it after an awesome city.
(laughing)
And they have the nerve to ask you like,
how do you like London?
The real one, or this turd
you put in a dress, because?
Like the fucking balls
on Paris, Tennessee.
To name their city Paris,
and then they built
a mini Eiffel Tower like
you're gonna walk around
confused, like bonjour, I
don't even know where I'm at.
(audience laughing)
Can I get me a crassant.
(laughing)
Fuck Paris, Tennessee.
I can remember the first time
we ever talked about weed.
Because it was Christmas
day, that's why it stood out.
I was 12 years old, I think
my sister brought it up.
She was like, I wanna smoke weed.
And my dad goes, you wanna
know what I think of marijuana,
and I was genuinely curious.
I go what dad?
He goes, I was at a party one
time and somebody pulled out
a marijuana cigarette, and
I said I'm out of here.
And I was like cool story nerd,
you got any other ones?
(audience laughing)
And he goes well yeah
one time I was in Vietnam
and some Vietcong tried to
seel my Marines marijuana,
so I found 'em and I
picked 'em up by his throat
and I threw him on the
ground, and I put my M16
in his face and I said if
you ever come here again
I'll fucking kill you.
And I go, do you have
any stories in between
those two stories?
Jesus, it's Christmas bro, God damn.
I'm not making fun of
you if you're religious.
And I think it's great, any faith.
Christian, Muslim, Jew, what,
if you're a Scientologist,
you can go fuck yourself, but.
(audience cheering)
Because it's not old.
It's gotta be old.
(audience laughing)
I think it's fair to say
there's some times I don't
want to hear about it, you know.
Like working out, getting high,
that's a bummer, right?
Like when there's pills
and cash and tits out
and someone's like, have you thought about
accepting the Lord into your life?
And you're like I'm trying
to make bad decisions,
why are you doing this to me?
That, and pre-sex, that is the worst.
During sex, assalamualaikum,
anything goes.
But pre-sex, like right
before and the girls like,
ohhh what if God's watching us.
And you're like, what?
What if God is watching us?
Of course he's watching us.
He sees everything and this is
hands-down his favorite shit.
(audience cheering)
Yeah.
I bought weed from a dude in a
stand alone trailer one time.
Not a trailer park, a solo trailer.
The most terrifying housing
situation that exists.
Like where other trailer
people are like get the
fuck out of here, they kick him out.
I just walk up to that shit, 15.
And this dude's like,
"you tryna get a sack?"
I was like oh shit, yeah.
He goes, we can go do that.
And I was like okay cool.
And he goes we just need to go get it.
And I was like you don't fucking have it?
Isn't that your sole responsibility?
So I tried to play cool, I was
like alright lets go get it.
He was like I'll go get it, you
stay here and watch my place
I was like...
Okay.
And he goes there's a 357
and a shotgun on my bed,
anybody comes in here, blast 'em.
Inside, paralysis,
but what I said was, that's what's up.
Like yeah man, pow.
(gunshot noises)
(upbeat music)
