Welcome to the Man of Recaps, this is ALL
seven seasons of Game of Thrones,
leading up to the eighth and final season!
It starts way up in the North at Winterfell,
Lord Ned Stark is in command,
he's the one who says
"Winter is Coming".
He's a nice family man - Robb Stark's his oldest,
his daughter Sansa's pretty,
Bran likes to climb things, Arya's a tomboy,
this one doesn't matter,
and Jon Snow is his bastard son
(no one likes bastards).
Down in the capital of King's Landing, the
Hand of the King (the 2nd in command) has just died,
so fat King Rob Baratheon rides
up to his old buddy Ned Stark
and makes him the new Hand.
The Queen is Cersei Lannister, the Lannisters
are the richest family in the realm
and she is just the worst.
She's got a twin brother Jaime Lannister who
is a classic douche-bag.
That night Ned's wife Catelyn gets a letter
from her sister saying that the
the Hand of the King was
murdered by the Lannisters!
The Lannisters are certainly up to something,
they're up to each other!
Oh it's Twincest, what!?
And to hide their secret Jaime pushes Bran
out the window!
Dick move.
Bran survives, he's in a coma though, so everyone
else is going down to King's Landing.
Except for Jon Snow, they're sending him to
join the Night's Watch,
who guard The Wall 
from the terrors beyond.
Basically just Wildling barbarians, but also
maybe the White Walkers who can raise ice zombies!
Don't worry about them though,
that's just a myth.
Before he goes Jon's like
"Hey Pops who's my mom by the way?"
and he's like "Yo, it's way too early in the series
for you to find that out."
Now across the Narrow Sea is Daenerys Targaryen.
The Targaryens ruled Westeros for hundreds
of years, until the current king Rob Baratheon
rebelled against their father the mad king
Aerys.
Now Daenerys and her brother are in exile as the
last two Targaryens.
In exchange for his help reconquering the
realm, they're marrying Daenerys to
Khal Drogo, leader of the Dothraki.
You're heard Daenerys called "Khaleesi", it's
her title, he's the Khal, she's the Khaleesi.
As a wedding present she gets three dragon
eggs. Now, her ancestors used to ride dragons,
but they've been extinct for hundreds of years
so these are just decorative,
they definitely won't hatch.
Back in Westeros Rob Baratheon is a drunken
oaf of a king, so
it's up to Ned and the
Small Council to hold things together.
Master of Coin is Petyr Baelish, they call
him "Littlefinger" and he's a
sleazeball who owns a bunch of brothels.
And Varys is the Master of Whisperers, he's
basically the CIA,
he is a eunuch though, no dick or balls.
But up in Winterfell an assassin comes to
kill Bran,
turns out that assassin's dagger belonged to
 Tyrion Lannister!
Tyrion is the third lannister sibling, he
is the dwarf.
He loves beer, he loves boobs,
and he also loves reading because
he's very smart and witty.
Cat runs into him on the road and is like
"arrest this man!"
We know Tyrion's innocent, but she takes him
to stand trial at the Eyrie
where her sister lives, and her son is
way too old to be breastfeeding.
It's clearly a sham trial, so Tyrion demands
trial by combat!
And Bronn the sell-sword agrees to fight for
him, well because Tyrion's rich.
Luckily Bronn is very good at killing so Tyrion's
free to go.
Bran wakes up, he doesn't remember anything
about the fall though, and unfortunately he's
paralyzed from the waist down so he's got
to be carried around by this big guy Hodor,
who like a Pokemon, can only say his own name.
Sansa Stark is betrothed to the crown prince
Joffrey, unfortunately at his best
Joffrey is an insufferable twat, and at his worst,
well, he's a sadistic freak.
Arya Stark before she left got a sword named
Needle.
Jon tells her to "stick them with the pointy
end" which is pretty good advice,
but she decides to get real sword lessons from her
"dancing master" Syrio Forrell.
So Ned Stark starts investigating the death
of the last Hand of the King.
He was checking out this blacksmith kid Gendry,
who Ned Stark realizes
is a bastard son of King Rob Baratheon!
Ned realizes that every Baratheon in history
has had dark black hair,
how is Joffrey blonde? 
Twincest!!!
Ned is merciful and gives Cersei a chance
to flee with her kids,
but she's like "I don't want your mercy,"
"When you play the Game
of Thrones you win or you die."
And Ned never gets a chance to tell the King
because he's wounded by a boar,
he got too drunk out hunting, classic.
So Cersei immediately puts Joffrey on the
throne, Ned's like
"Sorry kid, but you're not the real king."
Littlefinger promised Ned that the city watch
would be on his side,
but they start killing Stark men!
Littlefinger betrayed him!
"I did warn you not to trust me."
So up in the North Robb Stark calls the banners,
the North is going to war!
The Lannisters mobilize too, they're led by
big bad daddy Tywin Lannister.
He and Jaime split up their forces, but Robb
Stark outsmarts them and takes Jaime prisoner!
Now it's time for Ned Stark's trial.
In order to save his family he "confesses"
to his "treason"
and admits Joffrey's the real king.
The agreement was he'd be banished to the
Night's Watch, but Joffrey's a wildcard,
"Bring me his head!"
Oh man, how's Ned Stark gonna
get out of this one,
he's the main character
they can't just kill him,
but they do, what!?!?
Ned Stark dead!
Oh! First epic twist!
But life goes on. Up at The Wall, Jon Snow
is graduating from wear-black school.
He's made friends with this fat kid Sam and
they've got a Frodo-Sam thing going on.
They find a couple rangers' dead bodies, but
they don't stay dead,
they rise as ice zombies and attack!
Luckily Jon played video games, he knows fire
is super-effective against ice and zombie.
And the Night's Watch is like "Wow, if White
Walkers are real,
we're going to go out there and fight 'em."
Across the sea Daenerys is finding married
life pretty rough,
but they eventually fall in love
and she gets pregnant.
Her brother is a huge prick though and he's
sick of waiting.
He demands the crown Khal Drogo promised him,
so Khal Drogo's like "Here's your crown!"
Molten gold on the face, oh!
He dead.
Daenerys makes friends with Ser Jorah Mormont,
an exiled knight from Westeros.
At first he's spying on her
in hopes of a pardon,
but he gets a huge crush on her
and becomes fiercely loyal.
Khal Drogo is ready to do some conquering,
but long story short
before he even starts he gets a cut that gets infected.
This witch is like "I can save him, but it's
a sketchy blood magic ritual."
Just then Dany goes into labor!
And when she wakes up her baby's stillborn
and Khal Drogo's a vegetable.
She pillows her Khal because that's no fit
life for a Khal,
and she puts the dragon eggs on his funeral pyre,
on a whim, walks into the flames!
But she's right, she doesn't burn, and the
dragon eggs hatch!!!
My girl Khaleesi, Mother of Dragons!
Season 2 follows the War of the Five Kings.
King number 1 is Joffrey, king of the douches,
on the Iron Throne.
King number 2 is Robb Stark, his lords have
named him "King in the North"
which they love to chant.
Kings number 3 and 4 are the Baratheon brothers.
Stannis is older so he's got the better claim,
but Renly's more popular,
and he's got the bigger army because he married Margaery Tyrell of the powerful Tyrell house.
She is super hot, but Renly's more interested
in her brother Loras.
Stannis' only friend is Davos Seaworth,
the Onion Knight,
a bluntly honest adviser
who used to be a smuggler.
And Melisandre, the Red Priestess, who says
"For the night is dark, and full of terrors."
She believes Stannis is the chosen one so
she has sex with him, and then...
gets pregnant immediately and
gives birth to a shadow baby!
It sneaks into Renly's camp
and assassinates him!
What dark sorcery is this?!
So most of Renly's army goes to Stannis, except
the Tyrells, who bail.
And Catelyn Stark happened to be there because
Robb had sent her to meet with Renly.
She escapes with Brienne of Tarth, Renly's
giant woman bodyguard, who
now pledges herself to Catelyn
because YOLO.
King number 5 is late to the party, it's Balon
Greyjoy, Lord of the Iron Islands,
who's just decided to
call himself King now.
He's the father of Theon Greyjoy who's been
around since season 1.
His whole life he's been a hostage at Winterfell
since his father's last rebellion,
but Ned Stark treated him like one of his own sons,
he grew up like a brother to Robb.
Theon's like "Hey Dad, let's join with my
friend Robb and fight the Lannisters,"
but Balon Greyjoy does what he wants,
he's gonna go attack the North!
So Theon's got a difficult choice: the family
the raised him, or his a-hole real dad,
and he chooses his real dad.
So with all the Northern troops gone,
Theon takes Winterfell no problem.
Bran and his brother escape for a minute,
but they're caught!
And to teach them a lesson, Theon kills them!
What!?  Oh Theon, you done messed up.
When Robb sends some Northmen
to retake Winterfell
Theon's men immediately turn on him
'cause they don't respect him.
And turns out Bran survived!
Theon never actually found him, he burned
some random peasants instead.
Sansa Stark is a hostage in King's Landing,
still engaged to Joffrey but he loves tormenting her.
Arya Stark escaped the city but she's caught
by the Lannisters,
but luckily no one recognizes her.
She makes friends with master assassin, Jaqen
H'ghar!
She saved him from a fire so he'll kill any
three people she wants.
She wastes her first two, but then trades
her third for his help escaping the castle.
He's like "Hey girl, you ever wanna be a master
assassin like me, give this coin to a man
from Braavos and say the password: 'Valar
Morgulus'," which means "all men must die."
But now it's Stannis the Mannis, coming to
take King's Landing!
With most of their army fighting the North,
the Lannisters are way outnumbered here.
But Tyrion's got a trick up his sleeve, it's
Wildfire!!!
Oh! Blows up half of Stannis' fleet!
But Stannis survives and he's still got plenty
of army.
Things are looking grim, but then Lannister
reinforcements come!
It's Big Bad Daddy Tywin, abandoned the Northern
campaign to save the city.
The Tyrells join their side too now in exchange
for Joffrey marrying Margaery.
Stannis is like "Well that was a pretty big
set back,
but I'm the chosen one, I'm still gonna be king...
 Yes I am..."
Daenerys meanwhile has dragons, but they're
still babies so they don't do much.
She makes it to a city called Qarth, gets
kidnapped by warlocks, but
her dragons can breath enough fire
to burn a warlock!
Don't mess with Khaleesi.
North of the Wall, Jon Snow's with the Night's
Watch.
They fight some Wildlings, one of whom is
a hot redhead!
Jon loves redheads so he can't kill her.
Her name is Ygritte and her tagline is
"You know nothing, Jon Snow."
The Wildlings end up capturing him, and this
other Night's Watchman is like
"Hey if you kill me they'll
accept you as one of their own,
and you can go undercover
in the Wildling army."
Meanwhile the rest of the Night's Watch are
attacked by Anorexic Santa Claus!!!
It's a White Walker and he's leading an army
of ice zombies!
The Night's Watch barely survives and make
it back to Craster's Keep for shelter.
Craster is a D-bag Wildling who's got a bunch
of daughters - that are also his wives.
Sam gets a huge crush on one of them named
Gilly, who just gives birth to a son.
And when a Night's Watch mutiny
breaks out they escape,
but a White Walker comes 'cause
they're attracted to the scent of baby.
Normal weapons do not work
against these things, but
Sam found a bunch of
Dragon-Glass daggers, tries that...
Oh! It's super effective!
Good to know.
Down in King's Landing Tywin Lannister's
 running the show.
Margaery's engaged to Joffrey now instead
of Sansa, and she can handle him just fine.
But now that Sansa's single they make 
Tyrion Lannister marry her!
It's awkward for everyone, but he's a nice
guy, he doesn't consummate it.
Especially because he's got a hot whore named
Shae that he's fallen in love with.
His brother Jaime Lannister has been a prisoner
of Robb Stark this whole time.
By the way they call him
the "Kingslayer" because
he's the one who killed
Mad King Aerys Targaryen.
Thing is though he was on the Kingsguard,
so that's a big no-no.
But Catelyn Stark lets him go, she sends Brienne
to take him to King's Landing
as a hostage exchange
for her daughters.
They're recaptured though, and long story
short they cut off Jaime Lannister's hand!!!
Arya's picked up by some Robin Hood wannabes
- the Brotherhood without Banners.
They also pick up The Hound, Sandor Clegane!
He was Joffrey's bodyguard and he's a mean
scary guy with a burnt face,
but he's secretly a softy.
Long story short he kidnaps Arya,
but it's not bad,
he's gonna take her to her
family for ransom.
They have a fun dynamic - she's like
"Hey, no killing," and he's like
"I am programmed to obey John Connor,
must not kill."
Robb Stark's been busy with war, he meets
a hot nurse chick one day and they
amputate a foot together, which turns him on,
they fall in love.
But that's a problem because in season 1,
to cross this bridge
he promised to marry one of
old Walder Frey's ugly daughters.
He decides "Screw it, I'll marry for love,
what's the worst that could happen?"
He offers his uncle Edmure Tully to
marry in his place, and
turns out the girl's super hot -
your loss Robb.
They have a real nice wedding, until someone
requests the Lannister theme song...
Wait what's this? Oh no!
Stabbed in the baby!!!
Robb Stark shot with crossbows!?! Oh!
The Freys are killing all the Stark men!
It's the Red Wedding,
 Walder Frey's revenge!
One of Robb's lords Roose Bolton was in on
it too - "The Lannisters send their regards."
Yes, Robb Stark is all the way dead.
So is Catelyn (in the show), and it was all
set up by Tywin Lannister.
Life goes on though - beyond the Wall, Jon
Snow undercover with the Wildling army.
He and Ygritte start doing it when they find
a sexy Jacuzzi cave.
But when she finds out he's an undercover
cop she shoots him!
It was just a love prick though, he'll be
fine.
Daenerys got herself a boat, she stops at
the slave city of Astapor to
buy an army called the Unsullied.
She trades a dragon for the army,
then it's like "OK army,
I free you, kill the masters!"
"What, that's not allowed!"
But apparently it is!
Then she's like "Dracarys", and the dragon's
breathing fire!
She takes what she wants
with fire and blood,
now she's got dragons and an army!
In King's Landing Joffrey marries Margaery,
and he's real happy
because he's basically won
the War of the Five Kings.
But then he starts choking, and oh!
Someone poisoned him!
Yeah, serves him right!
Unfortunately Tyrion looks really guilty,
but the real murderer was Littlefinger!
He wisks Sansa away and explains it was
 him and Grandma Tyrell,
who didn't want Margaery marrying
such a little monster.
The new king is Joffrey's little brother Tommen,
who is a real nice kid, and easy to control.
So Tyrion is on trial, and everyone who's
ever been on the show says he's really guilty.
Including his whore Shae!
Oh, the betrayal!
Realizing he's not gonna get a fair trial,
he falls back to what saved him last time--
"I demand a trial by combat!"
Cersei is fine with this, because her champion
is the Mountain, Gregor Clegane!
He is a monster of a man!
Incidentally the Hound's older brother,
and the one that burned his face.
Jaime can't fight for his brother with one
hand, he still sucks with his left.
And Bronn won't fight for him this time because
Cersei paid him not to.
It's like "Sorry friend, good luck."
But Oberyn Martell, the Red Viper, is in town.
He's out for vengeance against the man who
murdered his sister and her children,
which happens to be the Mountain.
So during their fight he goes all
Inigo Montoya:
"You raped her, you murdered her, you
killed her children!"
And - oh!!! 
Oberyn wins!!!
For about five seconds, until the Mountain
knocks him off his feet
and crushes his head in!!!
Oh, oh god...
So Tyrion is sentenced to death.
His brother Jaime breaks him out though, and
Tryion takes a detour to his father's room,
where he finds Shae in his dad's bed!
Oh, the betrayal!
Tyrion strangles her!
Then he pays a visit to his
Pops on the Pooper.
Tywin is still mean to him, even now,
so Tyrion shoots him with
a crossbow, gangster style!
Now Jaime swore to trade
himself for Sansa Stark,
but now her mom's dead
and Sansa's missing,
so he sends Brienne to go try to
uphold the vow.
She goes to find Sansa and takes Tyrion's
old squire Podrick Payne.
She doesn't find Sansa, but she does find
Arya Stark, who's travelling with the Hound.
Since all her family was killed he's got no
one to ransom her to,
so they're just wandering around.
They have a bar fight over some chickens,
and Arya pivots from
"No killing" to "Yes, all the killing."
Brienne and the Hound both want to protect
her, but they don't trust each other so they
end up fighting, and Brienne punches him off
a mountain!
Seems like he's gonna die, so Arya finds a
ship to Braavos.
"Braavos? I got the quest item for that!"
The coin Jaqen H'ghar gave me, and the password
"Valar Morghulis."
Well that works, so she's off on a ship.
Where is Sansa?
Littlefinger took her to the Vale, that's
her breast-feeding aunt's castle.
And whereas Littlefinger always loved Catelyn,
her sister always loved Littlefinger!
And she reveals an epic secret: the letter
she sent to Cat at the beginning of the series
claiming that the Lannisters murdered the
Hand of the King?
It was her and Littlefinger who killed him
and blamed it on the Lannisters!
Yes, Petyr Baelish incited the whole conflict
of the series,
because he thrives on chaos.
"Chaos is a ladder."
But Littlefinger never liked this sister,
he always loved Cat,
so he throws her out
the Moon Door, woah!
But now his crush on Catelyn is transferring
to her daughter Sansa!
She's like "Woah dude, you're too old, and
that's a little creepy."
But she stays friends with him for now as
he basically takes control of the Vale.
Now ever since his fall, Bran Stark has been
having dreams about a three-eyed raven.
So he ditches the little brother
that doesn't matter,
and long story short goes to Super Tree
beyond the Wall.
It's guarded by skeletons, so Bran uses his
new Warg powers
to Warg inside of Hodor's body
and do some skeleton bashing!
Inside he finds the Three-Eyed Raven, Tree
Gandalf, who's gonna teach him tree magic.
Up at the Wall Jon Snow has to defend against
the Wildling army, including giants and mammoths.
It's an epic battle, and soon he's face to
face with Ygritte.
But she won't kill him, but someone else
will shoot her!
No! Olly, come on!
She dies in Jon Snow's arms and it's so sad.
The Night's Watch gets some reinforcements
from Stannis the Mannis!
He got the letter asking for help,
and he's like
"Well I lost in the south,
may as well go north!"
Daenerys conquers her next city, Meereen,
and frees all the slaves -
no mercy for the masters though.
She could sail to Westeros, but she realizes
if she bails they're just gonna start slaving again,
so she decides to stay and rule.
She starts banging her hot sell-sword captain,
Daario Naharis - sploosh.
Jorah's still in love with her, but he's been
friend-zoned.
And when she finds out Jorah used to spy on her,
he's banished from the friend-zone!
And all zones, the whole city in fact.
Now with Big Bad Daddy Tywin Lannister dead,
Cersei's running the show again.
Until Tommen marries Margaery, and with sex,
she can control the king.
The two queens vie for power, so Cersei appoints
a fanatical new High Septon,
tells him that Loras Tyrell is gay,
so he's under arrest,
and so is Margaery by association!
Cersei's feeling pretty good about herself,
until she realizes
her cousin Lancel Lannister
is one of them.
They banged a few times - she has a type - 
so she's thrown in prison too!
They make her do a naked walk of shame
through the streets,
where they ring the bell
and chant "shame" at her.
But when she gets back, she has a huge new
bodyguard!
The Mountain was dying after the
trial by combat,
but Cersei's mad scientist friend Qyburn
 does some freaky Frankenstein stuff,
and brings him back to life...-ish.
Tyrion makes it across the sea;
Varys is gonna go join team Daenerys,
he wants Tyrion to come.
But he's kidnapped by Jorah Mormont, hoping
to get himself un-banished.
They get kidnapped by slavers and have to
fight in the Colosseum,
where Jorah stops an
assassination attempt!
The Sons of the Harpy are trying to take their
city back, they're all surrounded, but then,
Drogon flies in! OH a dragon!
Burning all of them!
Daenerys jumps on his back and flies away!
She's flying on a dragon!
Epic!
He drops her off in the wilderness though,
and she doesn't have enough
gym badges to make it fly her back.
Now after the Red Wedding, the traitor Roose
Bolton took the North,
with his bastard son Ramsey Snow.
Ramsey's got a surprise, it's a Theon Greyjoy!
Ramsey's the one who captured him, and he
loves torture.
Spent a whole season torturing Theon, even
cut off his dick - sorry Theon.
And now he's named him "Reek," and Theon is
a shell of a human being.
Littlefinger somehow convinces Sansa
to marry this guy,
because he's just playing
all sides at all times.
But no one knew Ramsey was a monster, and
she's basically kept as a prisoner.
Stannis the Mannis hasn't given up, he's going
to conquer the realm from the top down.
But when his army is totally snowed-in, Melisandre's
like "Hey, we need a sacrifice of king's blood."
They've done this before with Gendry, the
old king's bastard,
they leech some blood out
and sacrifice it to the Lord of Light.
But Davos sent him away before they decided
it'd be more effective to burn the whole thing.
They do have some more king's blood around
though - Stannis' daughter Shireen!
Stannis loves his daughter, but he has
a duty to the realm,
so he lets Melisandre burn her! No!!!
Stannis, why!?
I revoke your title of "the Mannis."
The sacrifice works though, the snows melt,
but his whole army deserts him
'cause they don't want to follow a guy
who burns his daughter.
Stannis may have the Lord of Light on his
side, but he doesn't have any cavalry left,
so he's defeated for good.
The Night's Watch is electing a
new Lord Commander,
Sam's like "Hey Jon's the main character,
we should vote for him."
He goes to the new Wildling leader, the funny
ginger Tormund Giantsbane.
It's like "Hey we should be bros to fight
against the White Walkers."
He sails to Hardhome to recruit more Wildlings,
but winter is coming - it's a zombie attack!
It's an epic battle, killing zombies, but
then a White Walker shows up!
Normal weapons still won't work, but Jon grabs
Longclaw - Valyrian steel...
BOOM, blocks it!
And then slash - explodes him!
As they're escaping they see
Albino Darth Maul!
He's the Night King,
the White Walker leader,
and he raises everyone they just killed
to join his un-dead army.
So Winter just came all over the place.
Jon brings the surviving Wildlings
through the Wall,
but some of the Night's Watch think
this is an act of treason,
so they Julius Caesar him!
"For the Watch."
And Jon Snow is bleeding out!
I mean, I know they killed Ned Stark
in season 1, but Jon Snow's like
the MAIN main character now,
they can't actually kill him, right?
But it cuts to black!
So Jon Snow is dead.
Melisandre's hanging around the Wall, she's
got the best boobs in the show by the way,
unless she takes off her magic necklace and
is a million years old, what?!
But turns out Jon's only "mostly dead," so
she's able to Miracle Max him,
and BOOM Jon Snow!
Resurrected with fire magic!
He's like "Look, I've spent
five seasons up here in the cold,
I think I've earned a beach vacation."
But just then Sansa shows up.
She and Theon escaped from Winterfell last
season, met up with Brienne,
who Tormund has a huge crush on,
so watch out for that plot line.
Ramsey Snow killed his dad and took over,
and he's captured their
youngest brother! (Who doesn't matter).
So it's the Battle of the Bastards -
Jon Snow versus Ramsey Snow!
Ramsey starts out by
shooting the youngest Stark!
Turns out he really never mattered.
And then it's time for a battle scene -
the best one yet, It's super epic!
The good guys are way outnumbered though,
and just when all hope seems lost,
Sansa shows up with Littlefinger!
And the knights of the Vale ride in and win!
The northern lords meet and it's like "Hey,
Jon Snow, King in the North?"
"King in the North!!!"
Yeah, they really love chanting that.
Now Arya Stark made it to Braavos,
meets up with her friend Jaqen
and joins the Faceless Men
assassin guild!
So named because
they can change their faces.
Long story short she trains to
become a master assassin,
but she screws up her first mission
by killing the wrong person,
then screws up the second one
by befriending her mark.
She decides she'd rather go home and kill
the people she wants to kill,
starting with Lord Walder Frey
of the Red Wedding!
She slits his throat and then uses his identity
to poison all the rest of the Freys!
Woah, Arya's kinda scary now.
Bran Stark's been hanging in a tree with the
Three-Eyed Raven, learning how to
trip out on tree roots and have
spirit quests of the past.
He sees his father, a young Ned Stark,
during Robert's Rebellion against
the Mad King Aerys Targaryen.
The prince Rhaegar Targaryen kidnapped
his sister Lyanna Stark
and has her hidden in the tower.
They have an epic fight, then,
what's in the tower?
It's too big a reveal, we don't find out yet!
Then the White Walkers show up and kill the
Three-Eyed Raven!
Bran and co escape, but the
zombies are hot on their tail,
so it's like "Hodor, hold the door!"
But because Bran's mind is still in the past,
he managers to Warg Hodor in the past,
gives him a seizure, he starts yelling
"Hold the door! Hold the door!"
Which devolves into "Hodor!"
And it's like "Oh, I broke Hodor's brain as
part of a time travel paradox. Whoops."
But Hodor holds that door like a champ.
Down in King's Landing, Margaery's still a
prisoner of the faith.
The High Septon agrees to let her go, if she
announces the merger of church and state.
Tommen's like "I have no idea what's going
on, I'm just trying to get laid again."
Cersei's walk of shame was just her bail,
she still needs to come face trial.
But with her big new bodyguard, no one can
make her go anywhere.
In fact, underneath the Sept is a butt-load
of leftover Wildfire!
BOOM it explodes!!!
Blows up the whole Sept!
All of Cersei's enemies - and a bunch of the
city - in one shot!
Yeah Cersei, you a bad girl.
Margaery was in there too,
so when Tommen sees that
he's like "Hold on Margaery, I'm coming!
I hope there's sex in the afterlife!"
Cersei's daughter Myrcella is also dead,
poisoned as revenge for Oberyn
as part of the whole Dorne plot.
So with no living children, Cersei just crowns
herself Queen on the Iron Throne!
Daenerys gets herself captured by some Dothraki,
but she gathers all the Khals together.
It's like "Remember season 1
how I'm immune to fire?"
Oh! Burns all the Khals!
Walks out unharmed, looking hot and naked!
All the Dothraki are like "Yeah, we're gonna
follow her."
While she's been gone, Tyrion's running Meereen.
He's pretty good at it - 
"That's what I do. I drink, and I know things."
But the slavers try to reconquer the city,
so when Daenerys gets back,
she unleashes all three dragons!
They make an example of this ship in particular,
because she commandeers the rest.
And after six seasons of waiting, Daenerys
is sailing for Westeros!
She lands at Dragonstone, the ancestral seat
of House Targaryen.
Now Sam Tarly has gone to college
to become a Maester,
he sees in a book that Dragonstone has a
huge deposit of Dragon-Glass,
the stuff that kills White Walkers.
So Jon Snow goes to meet with
Daenerys Targaryen!
Main characters at opposite ends of the plot
have finally connected!
Daenerys has a long list of titles, the Mother
of Dragons, the Breaker of Chains, the Un-burnt.
Jon's recruited Davos as his hype-man,
and he just says
"This is Jon Snow... he's a right-proper lad."
Jon's like "Hey Dany, you wanna come help
me fight the White Walkers?"
She's like "I don't know what that is, so
I'm going to ignore it."
Cersei is now queen of all Seven Kingdoms,
but in name only,
because the Tyrells and Dorne
have sided with Daenerys.
Cersei finds a new ally, it's Euron Greyjoy,
the rock-star pirate!
He's Balon's younger brother, and decides
that Balon has lived long enough.
The Iron Islands hold a Kingsmoot to elect
a new leader, Theon's sister Yara seems like
a good choice, Theon's over there
too to support her.
But Euron walks in and basically pulls a Trump,
so they elect him
to make the Iron Islands great again.
So Theon and Yara stole some ships
and joined Daenerys,
but Euron crashes into them
and goes into full beast mode!
He captures Yara, and Theon is still not recovered
from being Reek,
so he bails, he survives though.
So Euron returns triumphant, "Hey Cersei,
got you a present" - sploosh.
She even agrees to marry him after the war,
but twincest is still happening by the way.
In fact, Cersei claims to be pregnant, what!?
Well another incest baby, congrats I guess?
Now Tyrion has a plan to capture Casterly
Rock, the seat of Lannister power.
By the way, Daenerys' Unsullied captain Grey
Worm has a romance with her advisor Missandei.
Which is good because there's been a severe
lack of boobs in recent seasons.
We might even see some dick, except that all
the Unsullied are eunuchs.
It's OK though, they work it out.
They capture the castle, but there's nothing
here, Jaime took the Lannister army
the other way and captured the Tyrell castle!
They capture all the Tyrell gold, which is
good because the Lannisters were almost out,
and gold wins wars.
Some of the gold goes to Bronn, who's still
helping out,
but Jaime promised him one day
he'll get a castle.
Daenerys is sick of messing around, so she
sends the Dothraki horde,
and rides a dragon into battle!
In case you're wondering
how effective dragons are,
it's basically like having a nuclear bomb.
When it lands, Jaime's like "I can take a
dragon," and he charges!
Just when he realizes he's made a huge mistake,
Bronn tackles him into the water,
and they swim away from the battle.
It's like "You're not allowed to die 'til
I get my castle."
Daenerys rounds up the survivors, "Bend the
knee or be eaten by a dragon."
Randyll Tarly refuses to surrender, 
yeah that's Sam Tarly's dad,
don't feel bad for him though, he's an a-hole.
Sam's brother though is kind of a nice guy,
Tyrion's like "Hey, maybe some mercy?"
But she's like "Nah, no mercy," and BOOM burned
by dragon,
that gets the rest of the
knees bending real quick.
Now the White Walkers are still coming, Jon's
like "Hey Daenerys come on, it's now or never."
But she's still in the middle of a war, so
Tyrion has a crazy idea.
If they can capture a zombie and
show it to Cersei,
she might believe the threat is real
and agree to a truce.
Jon's like "That idea seems dumb...
...but I guess there's only one season left,
we gotta wrap things up."
So Jon Snow assembles his dream team!
the Suicide Squad of Westeros
going to capture a zombie.
There's the Wildling Tormund of course, but
also the Hound!
He survived his fall and
joined a hippie commune,
but they all died so he went on a
revenge murder spree,
ran into the Brotherhood without
Banners,
and they gave him booze and chicken
so he joined.
Jorah Mormont's there too, he caught Greyscale
for awhile but,
long story short Sam cured it
and that didn't matter.
Then there's Gendry, the king's blacksmith
bastard.
We thought he rowed his way
right out of the show,
but he's back and he's got a new
memorable shtick -  he's the hammer guy.
So the guy's ambush some zombies
and take one captive,
but the army of the dead is close behind them!
Jon sent Gendry to run ahead and get help.
He's been rowing for
three straight seasons,
so he has incredible cardio
and gets there in time.
But the rest of them have to fight some zombies.
Things are not looking good,
but then,
Dragons show up! Yeah!
And as I've said before, fire is super-effective
against ice and zombie.
The Night King though has a trick up his sleeve,
he throws a javelin and...
OH!!! Dragon in the neck!
No, dragons can't die! But it does!
Super sad, but the rest of them manage to
get away.
They go to King's Landing for the truce meeting,
where the Hound and the Mountain face off.
The Hound hates his brother for burning his
face, so next season, Clegane-Bowl confirmed!
They show everyone that zombies are undeniably
real.
Seeing this Cersei agrees to the truce, and
in fact will help them fight the White Walkers!
Well, that went really well.
Except of course she's lying, she's happy
to let them and the White Walkers kill each other.
In fact, she sent Euron Greyjoy on a secret
mission to pick up a bunch of mercenaries.
But Jaime has been on a seven-season long
redemption arc.
He's trying to be honorable these days, and
realizes that Cersei is the worst.
So he rides off by himself to help,
and Cersei has driven away the one person
that truly loved her.
Meanwhile Bran Stark made it back to Winterfell,
but he's a weird tree-wizard now,
and Arya made it back to Winterfell
but she's a crazy master assassin.
Sansa's like "What the hell happened to my
younger siblings?"
Littlefinger slides in there, hoping to sow
distrust between them so Sansa will need him.
He and Arya try to out-sneak each other, and
in the end it looks like he won!
Sansa calls her sister for trial, "You stand
accused of treason...
Lord Baelish!!!"
What!? The fake-out!
"Yeah we talked off-screen bro, we know you're
trying to mess with us."
Plus, Bran re-watched season 1 on H-Tree-O,
and he saw that Littlefinger was the one that
betrayed their father in the first place.
So the Stark children execute him!
Littlefinger, master schemer, dead.
Sam makes it to Winterfell too,
and Bran's like "Hey, let's check out what
actually happened in that tower."
As expected it's Ned's kidnapped
sister Lyanna Stark.
But, she wasn't kidnapped, she loved Rhaegar!
They ran off together and got married!
And they had a baby.
That baby is - Jon Snow!!!
That's right, Ned lied all these years to
protect him.
It's not his son, it's his sister's,
and he's not a bastard, he's the
true-born son of Rhaegar Targaryen!
This makes Jon Snow the
rightful heir to the Iron Throne!
Mind blown! What!?!
Hilariously this also makes him Daenerys'
nephew, but these two don't know that,
and they get it on! Oh!
Aunt-Nephew incest is pretty tame for Game
of Thrones, so, we're all OK with it.
But meanwhile at the Wall, the White Walkers
have arrived.
Of course the Wall's pretty tall, there's
no way to get over it.
Unless they dredged up a dead dragon and managed
to resurrect it as an ice-zombie dragon!
Oh they did! What!?!
Breathing blue flame all up on the Wall,
exploding it!
The Wall comes crashing down!
And the White Walkers, with the army of the
dead, are marching south!
Winter. Has. Come.
