What's up, Greg! I hope you're all having a great day, welcome back to my channel!
This, of course, is another episode of
The coolest show on the internet for teens.
Hosted by me, a 25 year old man.
Today we're gonna be talking about the movie Swiped.
"Why", you might ask...?
Well because...
Everybody told me to talk about the movie Swiped.
I don't really know if Swiped counts as a low budget movie.
I mean, it's not a block buster by any means, but
it does have some pretty big names in it.
It has the mom from Good Luck Charlie,
it has Noah Centineo.
Ah, Noah Centineo,
The king of...
really weird tweets.
[Danny reads Tweets]
So I guess he has some sort of... serious medical condition?
Swiped is a movie about dating in the modern age,
the age of swiping left or right
to find bae.
It's a movie mainly marketed towards teens about dating in the modern age
written by a bunch of... adults.
So you know it's not gonna be preachy at all.
Also, before we get started, make sure you guys get tickets to our tour.
We got a whole bunch of cities that we're doin', we're coming to ALL of these cities.
So if you see a city near you, go ahead, get yourself a ticket.
We're also selling our official tour jackets.
And if you wear one of these to our show you get to skip the line to get in.
You can get those at Shop.WeAreTwoDifferentPeopleTour.com
So click the link in the description if you want to do that.
OK. Let's watchy-watchy now.
Judging by like the movie poster and all of the promotional stuff for the movie,
you would probably think that Noah Centineo is the main character of this movie.
But he's actually not.
The main character
is actually... this guy!
The movie starts off introducing the main character, his name is James.
The movie wastes no time establishing the fact that James is a nerd.
He's sitting in the car watching some, like... technology show.
"Simple as this, in tech and in life: if you're not disrupting, you're not innovating."
- For some reason, the guy who was talking has kind of like a news casting set-up
where he's got like a picture in the background, but the picture in the background
is just the same video of him talking.
Hey guys, welcome back to my show.
Today, we're gonna be talking about me and what I'm talking about right now.
It's very important, what I'm talking about right now - so that's why I'm showing it on the screen.
What I'm talking about right now is very important.
To further establish the fact that he's a nerd, his sister is making fun of him for being on his phone,
when he should be interacting with other people around him.
"You haven't said a word in two hours."
"Oh, sorry, I was watching Simon Lang. I-"
[scoffs] "Simon Lang?"
"When are you gonna interact with real people who are right in front of you?"
- It should be noted that while she's bullying him for being on his phone,
she's also clearly doing something on her phone.
"The great thing about college is, it's an opportunity to make friendships that last a lifetime."
- Wow, what a great little bomb of knowledge the mom just dropped.
Something that pretty much everybody knows about college:
You can make friends there.
It's like she's assuming that he doesn't know what college is right before she's about to drop him off at college.
"You know the great thing about college is that you can... make friends."
"Oh, okay."
"And meet the professors, gah- and then graduate."
"That sounds awesome! I wanna do it."
"Well good, cause we're here, at college!"
"Oh, sweet"
"Buh-bye, son."
"It's a little smaller than it looked in the brochure..."
"I think it's big enough for two people."
"What if you want to have friends over?"
"Let's get real, Mom. That's not gonna happen."
"James, please don't let the computer be your only friend."
"Bye James."
"Bye James."
- Damn, they're really roasting this kid before they drop him off at college.
This is supposed to be like a sweet moment, and they're just goin' in on him.
Just walking into his room like "Holy shit, this room's small as hell."
"Hey, try not to be an antisocial little bitch the whole time you're here, alright?"
"Okay, bye bye!"
Also is this the only thing that James is bringing to college?
They just brought like three shirts...
and a pillow...
and a blanket?
And that's it?
Like no underwear, or socks, or...?
School supplies?
James is...
a minimalist. To be sure.
Oh, he is also carrying a small suitcase,
but he opens that up and the only thing that he pulls out of it
is a lamp for his desk.
I guess so he can see his computer screen better.
I guess that's all you need in college these days.
A blanket...
and lamp.
"You must be Lance."
"gAh" *clap*
You must be my, ah, soon-to-be-transferred-to-another-college roommate.
"aheh"
"Oh, okay".
"Um, so this is your side of the room."
"I've left it completely untouched."
- Why does he have to say that?
This is your side of the room...
I've left it completely untouched.
When I walked in to my dorm room in college for the first time and met my freshman roommate,
the first thing I thought wasn't like,
"I hope this guy hasn't been touchin' my side of the room."
That's such a weird thing to add, it makes it sound like he was touching his side of the room.
So this is your side of the room, I've left it completely untouched,
I didn't go over to your closet and smell your clothes,
I didn't rub my bare butt all over your bed.
So you don't have to worry about any of that.
Next, we meet the main love interest in the story.
Her name is Hannah, and she's just a shy girl lookin' to find love.
She looks to be either in line for a party
or maybe this... is the party?
I can't really tell.
She's talking to this guy whose hair just teleported onto his head from the 1990s,
and it seems like they're really hitting it off.
"ahah i just wanna kiss you."
"I don't even know your name.
"Ah, it's–it's Rob."
"What's your last name, Rob?"
"It's– heh...Why do you need so much information?"
"Your last name is so much information?" "You see this?"
" It's–what, it's a phone...?" "
"No, no no no no it's not a phone. This,
is a 24/7 portal to all the sex that...
I could ever dream about."
"All I have to do is click,
you're obsolete."
- So that's a weird scene.
I understand the desire to like, know things about somebody before you hook up with them, that makes sense.
Like you wanna ask some questions, you wanna flirt a little bit and get to know each other.
But you don't just flirt with people...by asking them questions.
Like, what's your last name?!
And what–what town were you born in?
Like when you meet someone, it's not really expected for them to introduce themself to you with their first and last name.
Unless you're John Paul Jones from the Bachelorette
In which case it's expected...
and encouraged.
It's just like, if he had told her his last name would she have been like
Alright, you've told me all I need to know and you meet every criteria.
It's time to have sex.
But also, like why is it such a hassle for this dude to tell this girl his last name?
How is that any effort at all?
Just say your last name.
It's so weird that like that's the thing that like sets him off.
Like is this dude in the witness protection program or something?
"What's your last name?"
"Oh, Hell no."
[Dramatic music]
– ...what?
– You see this?
[♩]
I can have as much sex as I want with this.
[♩]
Oh–okay...
[♩]
But then...why are you flirting with me?
[♩]
If you can just have sex from your phone...
[♩]
I have a lot of sex!
[♩]
– Okay?
– okay...
[♩]
You're obsolete!
[♩]
– Okay?
– You literally just told me you wanted to kiss me.
[♩]
[scoff] Please.
[♩]
I gotta go home anyway.
[♩]
My mommy said dinner's ready.
– What?
– Ah I mean
I have to go have sex [nervously laughs]
– With my phone.
– Okay.
– Bye.
– Bye.
Then Hannah's walking all alone, by herself.
Just readin' her book, and James runs up,
and at first I was like "Where did he come from?"
But then I went back and realized:
He was literally standing  in the background
For that entire scene... just kinda like...
Watching... From the darkness...
Kinda looking like he's not really sure what he's supposed to be doing
So that's...
Kinda creepy, James, what the hell?
[James] You... Go to school here?
[Hannah] Yep.
[James] ...Me too...
[Hannah] Okay cool...
Wait- where did she get that book? Did she have that the whole time?
Oh, I guess she- I guess she did!
She was just holding a book... at whatever this is.
I still don't know what this is. Is this like the line to get into a club?
Or is this the party?
But one thing's for sure, the writers want us to know she's a nerd because she brought a book... to a party.
Bringing a book to the club is actually kinda tight
Nothing says "I don't give a fuck" more...
Than just reading a book at the club.
Then we learn that James and Hannah actually have a little bit of history together.
- [James] I mean, I haven't seen you since the--
-[Hannah] --since prom night in May.
- [James] Look, I was just trying to impress you.
- James] --know what I did so wrong, I mean, I--
Was my voice that bad?
Wait, what?
What did he do at prom?
- [Hannah] When you picked up that microphone
and announced my name
in front of a room full of people
four hundred pairs of eyes
turned to face me.
I was mortified!
He got up on stage
and announced Hannah's name
in front of hundreds of people.
And then I guess, like,
sang to her?
This James?
The one that we've just spent
the past ten minutes
establishing as a loser who doesn't
interact with humans?
I guess he's like a shy loser, slash
hopeless romantic, slash super-outgoing
will do anything for love.
- [James] I was just trying to show you that I liked you
before we graduated and went off to college and
I tried for four years and nothing worked--
- [Hannah] --Please just walk me to my dorm and
leave me alone.
Daaaaamn,
make that five years, James.
- [James] Woah!
What the heck?
What did she trip on?
- [Danny] It's a completely smooth surface.
What did she trip on?
And how did she trip to the side like that?
It's kind of impressive.
It's like she got pushed by a ghost.
So I left this scene feeling very confused
about what their relationship is even supposed
to be? Like, do they... know each other?
Cause it sounds like he spent, like the past four years
obsessing over her, but then somehow
didn't know that she was shy?
And wouldn't like being called out
in front of four hundred people?
They also apparently had
no idea that they were going
to the same college?
And it was just a coincidence that they
ran into each other?
I'm very confused.
I feel like the backstory was not well-developed.
[Aggressive knocking]
- "Hey!"
- [Lance] Aw, get dressed, get dressed!
- [Girl exhales in frustration] You promised me coffee and bagels!
- [Lance] Yeah, no no I'll- I'll send you
an, uh the gift card, via the email
for Bagel Bros, but right now you gotta
get dressed, you're going out the window.
- [Girl] Excuse me?
- [Lance] Yeah yeah yeah, just, you're
exiting via window.
- [Lance] Yeah yeah yeah yeah!
I'm- I'm- I'm-I'm coming, Pops
I'm just, uh, putting on some pants.
Uh oh!
You gotta get out of here!
I can't let my dad know I was sleeping with
a girl!
YiKeS!
- [Lance] It's just the ground floor
you're gonna be fine.
[knocking]
- [Girl] What's your dad doing here?
- [Lance] Well, he's just bringing me my stuff, alright.
But it's time for you to go.
- [Girl] I'm afraid of heights.
[knocking]
"BIMBO FLYIN SOMEBODY CATCH HER!"
"Bimbo flyin''?!
Who wrote this movie?
What is this dialogue?
[music]
[Girl screaming] [small crash]
"Bimbo flyin', somebody catch her."
And then it looks like
she jumps to her fucking death.
[Girl screaming] [small crash]
Like, this echo-y scream, like
she's falling from the top of a skyscraper.
I thought she was jumping from the ground floor
this doesn't-that didn't look like the ground floor.
"Well, I can't let me dad know
I was hooking up with a girl.
So I, you know what I had to do
I had to kill her.
Lance is like the ultimate womanizer.
It's basically I think what Noah Centineo
thinks that he is in real life.
He's a stud, he sleeps with girls,
he doesn't remember them.
And he certainly doesn't call them back.
- [Girl] You don't remember me?
- [Lance] Do I know you?
- [Girl] Uh, yeah, we slept together.
- [Lance] I will call you, I promise
I will call you.
- [Other girl] He is... not gonna call you.
In fact, him and his friends all like sleeping with girls
but hate calling them back.
Which gets them to fantasizing about
what the perfect hookup app would be.
And uh...
Yikes...?!
[Lance] You know-- it would have a girl airlifted out of  my bed the second I'm finished with her
"Ooh,
yikes, I don't think teleportation
exists yet, Lance." [Danny] He didn't say teleportation.
He said airlifted....like with a helicopter?
Also ... what the HELL?
Why is this dude such a bad person?
No wonder he seemed so casual
about pushing that girl out the window. He probably does it all the time.
[girl screaming]
He was just sad that there wasn't a helicopter around to catch her, I guess
So they come up with this whole idea for
the app and then one of them is like WAIT
..we should actually MAKE this app
but since none of us are smart enough to do it
on our own we should bully that kid James
into making the app for us!
So they steal his laptop, so he has no choice
but to come to their meeting where they talk  about it
[Lance] to be on this app, you have to agree to
certain terms and conditions that will
make sure that you
1) do not ask for names, 2) you will not ask to see the person again,
and 3) by NO means under any circumstance will you date ANYBODY on the app [Danny] the
The girl can't ask you any questions,
there's no way for the girl to figure out your name,
She's not allowed to know anything about you, and after it's
all done she's never allowed to contact you again,
and it makes it impossible for her to find you.
I don't know how they're gonna code that last part...
How can an app make it impossible for
someone to find you? Like after you hookup
with the girl a team of body guards
come in to escort you to a secure
facility and you're given like a new name
and identity and shipped across the world
to a different country where you'll live out the rest of your life in solitude.
"Sure I had to leave all my friends and family behind,
learn a new language, and adapt to a new culture and a new way of life.
And, sure, I do constantly look back at my old life and wonder what coulda been
but...
yea, I'd say it was worth it just to have sex once!"
James doesn't really want to help make the app, but he does want to go to MIT and Harvard,
he got accepted into both of those schools but he didn't
have enough money to get in, so he decides to code
the entire app for them but he wants to do it anonymously
so no one knows that he does it
but he'll still get the money so that he can go to MIT.
[James] I need my desk any my chair
BUT he does have a couple of conditions!
[James] no girls, no parties, no staying up until 3 am with friends.  This will become a coding sanctuary
No girls, no parties!
And no fun!
You're not allowed to date anyone while I make
this app, Lance. You're MINE, Lance
[James] 'Cause I don't want people to know that I'm a part of this.
[Lance] What people don't you want to know that you're a part of this app?
[James] My mother, for one
[Lance] Oh, [laughs mockingly] You--we can't tell mommy!?
Wow that's a lot of laughter coming from a guy who just pushed a girl out of his window
because he didn't want his dad to know that he had a girl in his room.
[Lance] Bimbo flyin somebody catch her!
[James] I think Jungle's officially ready for Beta rollout.
[Lance] What? Good?
[Funky instrumental music plays]
[Danny] Is...
is this the app? Just thousands of little pictures of girls in their underwear?
why are they showing us this like it's the app?
This doesn't look like a app, this looks like a  commercial, or something
Are these all the girls on the app? If so, how? They just finished- he just finished the app
[Lance] There could be a slight problem though.
[James] Wh-what problem? what is it?
[Lance] There's no logical incentive for the users of other hook up apps to - to transfer over to Jungle
[James] I didn't think of that
[Lance] I mean, there's gotta like a mathematical theorem to- to convince them
A mathematical equation to convince people to download an app???
What?? [Laughter]
When's the last time you saw an advertisement for an app
that had a mathematical equation
telling you why you should download the app?
I don't even understand what that would look like...
BUT LUCKILY we do get to see
the mathematical formula to convince people to download the app
because in the very next scene...
Lance and his goons are holding a little pep rally on campus
to get some publicity for the app.
[Lance] Get off all of the other mating apps and get onto Jungle!
My boy Daniel here, he did all the mathematics. He's gonna break it down for ya.
[Daniel] It's ALL here ladies and gentlemen
I have come up with a simplistic yet intuitive
mathematical formula that works ten out of ten times
and it's quite easy--
All you gotta do is DITCH the other hookup apps
and switch to Jungle,
and the results will ASTOUND you ladies and gentlemen.
That's the.. formula?? What...?
That's the mathematical equation that's supposed to convince people to download the app??
Look, I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed
but that doesn't sound like a mathematical equation
I'm pretty sure that's just a sentence.
[Lance] We don't have... the time...
[Goons] NO.
[Lance] TO KNOW A GIRL'S NAME.
[Goons] NOPE. NOPE
[Lance] WE DON'T HAVE THE TIME FOR THEM TO KNOW OUR NAME
[Goons] WHO DOES?!
[Lance] WE GOT SCHOOL!
WE HAVE SCHOOL!
WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR GIRLS TO KNOW OUR NAMES!
I have to attend to my studies.
This...
I actually kind of agree with.
I can't tell ya how much time I wasted in college
just telling people my name.
I probably could've graduated like TWO years earlier
if nobody knew my name.
And knowing other people's name? Don't even get me started.
How am I supposed to learn when I got all these names in my head??
Fillin up all that space!
And how am I s'pose to sit in class and listen to the teacher talk
when there's just a crowd of people surrounding me, screaming their names in my ears?
Because that's what girls do! They just wanna tell you their name!
Over and over!
[Rob] Do you really wanna pay for a movie?
[Crowd of Losers] NO!
- Or flowers?? -
[Crowd of Losers] NOOO!!!
[Daniel] I'm gonna say the "C-word" I know we don't like to say it, alright, here we go:
"Commitment" (🤡)
[Crowd of 🤡] AAaaaOOooHHH
Why is everyone so aggressive? Geez
Okay, I'm gonna say the "c-word" everybody ready? Commitment!
[SCREAMING]
They're, like, flipping over tables and shit, ripping off their shirts and beating the shit out of each other
[Lance] Line up, right now, and get these
[Goons] Orderly fashion, gentlemen
[Goon] This has no age restriction - give it to your 5-year-old cousin if you need to
Huh???
He just said "There's no age restriction - you can give it to your 5-year-old cousin if you want to"
[Instant Replay] "give it to your 5-year-old cousin if you need to"
So you're telling me that this HOOKUP app designed specifically for sex with strangers on the internet
...is safe for FIVE-year-olds?
Why add that line?
So the app comes out and it starts to spread like wildfire
All of the college kids are using it, even adults start to use it
One can only assume that the five-year-old market that they were targeting is taking off, as well
Then the movie suddenly takes this whole weird turn where James goes home for winter break
And they talk about how their parents are divorced and it has, like, nothing to do with the current plot
Except for the fact that James' dad has a new girlfriend that he met on Jungle
Which, I thought wasn't allowed?
it seems like they know each other's names and they're hanging out for stuff other than sex
so that's definitely against the terms of service
Pretty sure that's illegal
Also, James' grandpa is there - the way his face moves really freaks me out
This is James' grandma - she's way too young to actually BE James' grandma
There's this clip of them both talking and for some reason they're both trying to deliver their line at the exact same time
(at the same time) [Grandpa] I'm not saying that it's proper in our day, but it's proper in their day [Grandma] I--eh-I-what's-what-is
All-in-all it seems like James is pretty content with how well the app is doing until he finds out...
that his mom is on the app
MOTHER! On an APP??
MEETING PEOPLE?
UH-UH
So James rushes to his room to shut down the app
Yup
That's right - he destroys the entire app because his mommy was on it
[Lance] wE cAn'T tEll MoMmY?!
And he doesn't want his divorced mother
To be meeting...men
So not only does James take down Jungle, but apparently
he manages to take down EVERY dating app
"The app's not working"
"Hey, uh, did any of our guys take down all the hookup apps, by chance?"
"My plans for the night: totally ruined!"
"That would be some serious disruption"
I guess he just really doesn't want people...trying to date his mom
[Daniel] C'mon James, it's KIND OF AN EMERGENCY
[Goons in the Hallway] We're gonna tie you to the desk until you fix this, bro
Uh-oh, Bimbo flyin! Somebody catch him!
*emergency sirens*
Why are there sirens going off in this scene?
It's just Lance and his goons running after James, right? It's not like the police are after him
I mean I guess James did somehow shutdown a bunch of apps that he didn't own
Probably did like millions of dollars worth of damage to their servers
So...I guess maybe the police could be chasing him, too, and it's just an unrelated thing and they never show it
What I feel like actually happened is that while they were trying to film it, a firetruck drove by
And instead of waiting for it to leave they just kept filming and were like
"We can fix it in post-"
And the way they fixed it in post- is just by adding more siren sounds
So James finds Hannah and Hannah let's James stay in this house full of girls that Hannah lives in
Including this girl who, somehow, isn't dead and her legs aren't broken - she actually seems perfectly fine
They were kind of letting James stay there with the promise that James would come up with an app
that would fix all of their problems and make guys wanna hang out with them
And James kind of just comes out and is like:
"So the app is actually..."
"...kind of just, like..."
"All women" (😎)
"...and that's what I came up with"
And for some reason they're all just like "Oh okay that's cool, thank you for the help"
"I like it"
"For just telling us to be women still"
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I'll see you guys next time with a really interesting video, where I tape myself to a wall
BYE
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"You haven't said a word in two hours"
"Oh, sorry, I was watching Simon Lang I-"
"SIMON LANG? When are you gonna interact with real people who are right in front of you??"
