(audience laughing)
- I used to be a teacher you know that,
some of you, right?
(audience cheering and clapping)
Teachers here tonight?
(audience cheering)
Bless you, you heroes.
Look at this quote I found about you.
"The best teachers are those
that tell you where to look
"but they don't tell you what to see."
(audience whooping)
It's true!
You know what?
I taught for 13 years and
I thought I was great.
It's the only thing that's kept
me going cause I, honestly,
I fucking hate children.
(audience laughing)
I thought I was good.
It's the only thing that I've
clung onto all these years.
And the kids liked me and I
never did them a disservice.
Anyway, I met some of them
in the same week (laughs)
as I saw Elsie.
I met some of my ex-pupils.
And I've got another quote
for you now, from one of them.
See what you make of this.
It's a genuine quote.
(audience laughing and cheering)
(audience clapping)
And when I stopped to really
think about it for ten seconds,
I was shit.
I was a drama teacher, which
in itself is hilarious, right?
(audience laughing)
(short laugh)
And you know when I knew
I had to give up teaching?
I was in my drama studio,
and the kids were performing a play
that they'd been working on
for weeks, while I smoked
at the back of the drama studio.
And, I'd finally run out of time
and they had to perform them.
And they were really
(laughs) excited and focused.
And I realized that someone
was up in the lighting tower
of the drama studio,
aggressively throwing Blu Tack
into their faces.
While they were performing.
And I mean really like nastily!
Spitefully throwing it.
And it was bouncing off
them and they were going,
"Get off, get off, get off."
It was awful!
And I knew I had to give
up teaching when I realized
that the person up there
throwing that Blu Tack,
(audience laughing)
that's right, was me!
(audience laughing)
It was me and I was with
the Head of English.
(audience laughing)
And we were laughing our bollocks off.
(audience laughing)
And it was at that point I realized,
my perception of how
I think people see me,
and other people's perception
are very different things.
And when you start to think
about it, it panics you.
And the worst thing is, your perception,
or rather your reputation
can be ruined, like that!
I'm gonna show you three quotes now.
They're all from actual friends of mine.
And they're so insane they
changed my view of that person,
and I wrote it on my phone immediately.
Right?
The first one is from
a 37-year-old (laughs)
science teacher.
She could be teaching your children.
I had a one-hour row with her in a pub,
because she said, and
she fucking meant this.
(audience laughing)
She thinks you can stretch yourself.
(audience laughing)
I went to an Urban Zoo with
a 40-year-old friend of mine,
who's a mother of two.
She saw a turkey and she said this.
(audience laughing)
Happy Christmas!
He's just (mumbles) is
a massive male chicken!
(audience laughing)
But by far the worst, a
52-year-old friend of mine,
who is a successful CEO of a company.
I made reference to the
irritating buzzing wings of a fly,
that was in the room and he said this.
(audience laughing)
He thinks flies are shouting!
(audience laughing)
Yeah!
I'm a fly!
(audience laughing)
I'm flying!
(audience laughing)
Presumably when they stop and land
they're having a fucking breath are they?
(audience laughing)
(panting heavily)
Yeah!
Let's do this!
Yeah, I'm flying.
(audience laughing)
Nothing that man can say
will alter my new perception of him,
that he is fundamentally,
thick as pig shit.
(audience laughing and clapping)
