(upbeat music)
- We made this sketch called
"Movie Makeup Makes Acting Hard,"
and at the start of the
sketch there's this giant door
that opens and like Zac
sort of emerges from it.
The door was just a flat piece of foam
that people on either side
raised and lowered as evenly as they could
to make it look mechanical.
I think at one point, it even came
a little loose and fell on Zac.
- Oh yeah!
- You have to remember
we don't have spaceships,
we don't have other
planets we can shoot on
and we don't have a lot of
money to build these things.
This sketch looks fuckin' great.
It really looks cool.
And if you really take the time to look,
it's like a few strategically
placed cardboard boxes,
a whole bunch of fog,
some pretty lights.
It's literally smoke and mirrors
that built up this space.
A real big budget sci-fi
epic on a very small budget.
- Wake up.
Wake up.
They'll be back soon, we
have to get out of here.
- What happened?
- When I was a child, my
father explained to me
that the universe is
a dark and cold place.
And only the strong will prosper.
- What are you?
- When your people came to my galaxy,
you took everything from us.
- You look insane.
- And I also like recognize you
like I mean underneath all that like shit.
- No, this is just what people look like
where I'm from, this is normal.
- Okay.
- Tell me warrior, do you
know what true power is?
- What?
- Do you know what true power is?
- I'm sorry I don't--
- True, true power.
- Drip.
- Drew Powers.
- Drew Powers, Drew Powers.
- True power, like the real kind of power.
- Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh true power.
True power.
No I don't.
- True power is control.
(screams)
- What are you doing?
Stevens, Stevens.
I'm sorry what was that?
- Control.
- Con, I'm so sorry,
it's like really hard to understand you.
- Controllers control.
True power is control.
C-O-N-T-R-O-L like a
video game, a controller.
- Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, you
were saying control, control.
- Control.
- Did not sound like that at all.
- I find it hard to maintain control
because my people are
full of wrath (roars).
- Are you mad, you're angry right now?
- I'm, I am furious (roars).
- I know we're different species
but like, nothing in your face moved.
You kinda just got loud.
- Look I'm angry (roars).
- Is something wrong with your neck?
- What, nothing, it doesn't move.
It's just normal neck for my people,
who are also passionate,
and do well through loss
and we have lost so much (roars).
- You're sad now?
- Yes I'm so sad (roars).
- Just looks so much like mad.
- No, this, this is mad (roars).
This is sad (roars).
- He's Tom Hardy.
- You are Tom Hardy, are you Tom Hardy?
- No I'm not Tom Hardy.
God this is so frustrating.
- Kinda feel like I could
beat the shit out of you.
- What, no, you couldn't.
I'm the boss of all my people.
- You look so slow and encumbered,
like you're probably bad at fighting.
- No, I'm good.
I'm also fast.
And my power is beyond your imagination.
(eerie music)
- Kinda feel like you're gonna
get some help in the
edit here, but whatever.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, he's Oscar Isaac.
- Oh, Oscar Isaac, that is a good call.
- No, Oscar Isaac is, I'm
a cool space guy (roars).
- John Lithgow.
- John Lithgow?
- Gary Oldman, he's like
the, kind of a chameleon.
- I am not Gary Oldman.
- Sigourney Weaver?
- Sigourney what?
- One sketch that we filmed in the office
that you would have no idea about is
"People Who Are Good At Online Quizzes,"
it was kind of like an
"Arrival" vibe of a sketch.
- What aliens?
- Is that aliens?
- Yes.
- There were two main parts to it,
one was like this fallout shelter,
CIA top secret location
with, like, computers
and people running around, it looked huge.
And then the other one was, like,
actual contact with the real alien,
and both of those were shot in the office.
- Oh my god.
- [Ally] The first one was like,
just like a random conference room
that they were able to Art Department up,
and it looked amazing, and I actually shot
this sketch before I was in the cast,
but, yeah, I thought it
looked really beautiful.
Stuck the landing.
(laughs)
(ding)
- Oh cool, I can see the
full range of the color blue.
- What?
Oh, no, these aren't real.
These Facebook quizzes
don't mean anything.
(helicopter whirring overhead)
(elevator dings)
- Miss Marovitch?
- Yes?
- Our data indicates you scored a hundred
on a Facebook color quiz, is that true?
- Um, yes, what's this all about?
- Pack your bags, you've got 10 minutes.
You're coming with me.
- Oh, I'm actually ready.
- What about me?
(gunshot)
- Oh!
- Bye Tom.
(military march music)
- Okay people, listen up.
This is Katie Marovitch.
She's the final member of the team
- Now can you tell us what's going on?
- What might be called the first contact,
now the objects measure
at least 1500 feet tall.
- Holy shit.
- We've made contact with the ship.
(alien language)
It's yet to be determined
if they're peaceful or not.
That's where you come in.
You're clearly the best and the brightest,
we need you to bridge the
gap between our worlds.
Miss Marovitch, according
to your last quiz
you're able to see the entire
spectrum of the color blue.
Mr. Oyama.
- Yep?
- You have the keen ability
to read an entire paragraph
where some of the letters may be missing
or the words backwards.
According to the quiz, only one percent
of Americans can actually do that.
- Mr. Tarr, you scored
a perfect 12 out of 12
on a Buzzfeed facial recognition quiz.
- Yeah, yeah I did that.
- Miss Beardsley, while not a quiz,
you shared that you relate to an article
about how having a messy
room and sleeping in
correlates to higher intelligence.
- Mr. Chekhov-Bellingham.
- Doctor.
- Mr. Dr. Chekhov-Bellingham.
- No, just doctor.
- Just Dr. Chekhov-Bellingham.
You have a Nobel laureate in physics.
- No disrespect to anyone,
I don't know if I understand--
- Welcome to the team.
The mission is to decode
the message we've received.
Good luck.
(tense music)
- Hello aliens, you are peaceful?
- Yeah, this makes sense.
(music intensifies)
- Guys, I've got it!
(marker squeaks)
It's quizzes!
They communicate in quizzes!
- Oh!
- Yes!
(eerie music)
(alien sounds)
- Oh my god, 12 out of 12.
They're geniuses too!
- Oh god!
- [Miss Beardsley] This
definitely makes sense.
- We're smart, they're smart, we're smart,
- [All] They're smart, and we're smart!
They're smart, we're smart!
They're smart, we're smart!
They're smart, we're smart!
- "How To Make A Human Pot Pie" was
a very interesting sketch to make.
We shot it on two very different scales.
One was a jib that was 20 feet in the air
putting a camera down
on the cast below it,
(cast screams)
- And the other was just at a table,
a camera pointing down at
what were actually my hands,
going through the same action,
and then put the two together
and created this illusion.
- Oh my god.
- We got this elastic nylon
that we stretched out,
we had the cast, one at a time,
press up against it in
order to do the effect
of them being cooked
alive under a pie crust.
(castmember moans)
I was sitting there, horrified on set,
like this is the most disturbing thing.
- Are we rolling?
- We are rolling.
- There's a part where the giant's hand
rips Zac's leg off, which is kinda
my favorite part of the video.
We did several different takes
of throwing this fake leg
at Zac's face, and we got one perfect hit,
which is the one that made it in,
and it made the perfect noise, too.
(thunk)
- Aaah.
- Just it thunking against his skull.
- [Gorf] Hey guys, this is Gorf,
and today I'm going to
show you how to make
a fresh and easy human pot pie.
First, you're gonna wanna take a pie tin,
and I use about 500 potatoes, 300 carrots,
about a thousand peas, 10 pounds of salt,
10 pounds of pepper, and
of course, your protein,
about five or six fresh humans.
(screams)
I've found that using fresh
meat makes all the difference.
There's really no contest between
frozen humans and these bad boys.
These little guys came
from Southern California.
I climbed down from the clouds,
and ripped the roof off an office building
and look how fresh they are,
almost constant futile attempts to escape.
(gentle music)
For the best flavor, you'll wanna
keep these puny mortals alive;
they'll run around a little
bit, but don't be discouraged
if they lose an arm or a leg
or two, it's totally fine.
Now, let's put it all together.
(humans scream)
(giant laughs)
It is just that easy.
- Don't worry everyone, I got this.
- [Gorf] Again, you'll
probably want them alive
at this point, but if any of them
give you any extra trouble, just,
and this is a little gross,
squeeze them until they die.
(screams)
(bones crack)
If you lost any arms and legs earlier,
just throw them in now, they'll be fine.
(screams)
- No no no no no!
(muffled screams)
- [Gorf] Now just place it near a volcano,
and wait about 40 minutes.
And look at that, it's beautiful.
Notice how putting them in alive
creates these sort of frozen in time
horrified looks on the crust.
Exquisite.
And that's it, just a few easy steps
and you'll have your own
human pot pie in no time.
It's just that easy.
Click here to subscribe,
and click here to see
a fun way to spice up
your golden egg omelets.
- Marker?
- "Hinting That You're
Queer Too," was the followup
to the first iteration of
this gay spy character.
I'm so impressed with the way it looked.
We have a conference
room that just looks like
a boring office building,
but the paper lanterns
that are hanging all over the room,
like, change this room
to have that sort of like
Roger Deakins' Skyfall type look,
there's a DP we work with
a lot, named Cooper James,
who nails it, every time we bring him in.
- Just start on action?
- We also, we're down
in the van at one point,
and that's just in our parking garage,
and it's the tiny regular cargo van
that we have to plug all
this spy type equipment into,
and Cooper does this great thing
where he gets a little bit of lens flare.
- Let me just see if he's gay.
- [Grant] Awesome, thank you.
- Zac is sitting in the
van, and I'm outside yelling
lines at him through the wall of the van,
so making it feel like one piece
is fun and difficult and impressive,
and I'm thrilled all the time
with the crews that we get to work with.
(string music plays)
- Geronimo.
- It's not like the NSA to be late.
- There was an armed guard on the way in.
It's nothing I couldn't handle.
- Do you have the drive?
- You see that gentleman over there
next to the dame in red?
It's in his breast pocket.
I'll make a pull and pass it to you.
(music builds)
- Brill, are you reading this?
Who is this guy?
- His name is Watts, let
me just see if he's gay.
- Awesome, thank you.
(keys clack)
- Oh yeah, he's super gay.
- Good, good, good.
Now, how do I let him
know that I'm queer too?
- Why don't you just say that?
- Ew, no.
Hey, I'm also a total homo, it's awkward.
- Why?
- 'Cause then it's like
I'm gonna hit on him.
- But you are gonna hit on him.
- Yes, but I don't want him to know that,
now we just have to hint at it--
- Hey dude?
Please just spy, you know, this hard drive
can stop worldwide cyber attacks,
just focus up for a little bit.
- I will, I just, oh, those
fucking haunches (growls)
- I don't know what exactly a haunch is--
- It's the part--
- I can figure it out.
- And he says to me, "A good
suit ages like a fine wine."
- And like wine, it's only
worthwhile when it's expensive.
(laughs)
- You guys talking about bars?
I love that bar Rawhide, yeah.
Rawhide is pretty wild.
- Jesus Christ.
- You guys ever been to Rawhide?
Watts?
- I don't believe so.
- I think you'd like it.
I think you and I have a lot in common.
- Ahem, it's a fine evening for a party.
- You know, I'm a little
bummed it's tonight,
'cause Drag Race is on.
- I love Drag Race.
- Me too.
Watts?
- Never seen it.
- Oh, I love it, you know I
used to do drag in college?
- Really?
- No, but I always thought I could.
You know, I always thought
I'd really fit in that world.
- Just leave, you have the drive!
- Oh, uh, you got a little
something right there.
- Holy shit.
- Oh, okay.
- Did he have something in his hair?
- Yeah.
- I didn't see anything.
- It was there.
- Well, what was it?
- [Brill] Fucking stop it!
- What was that?
- You know what?
I think that was my phone, hey.
Maybe it was my Grindr,
you guys ever seen Grindr?
Here, take a look, that's my profile.
- Are you really 24?
- Yes.
You know, maybe it wasn't Grindr.
I think it was, yep, it was
a text from my ex-boyfriend.
Yeah, boy friend, my ex-boyfriend.
It was a boy.
- That's so sad.
When did you break up?
- A long time ago.
- And he still texts you, hmm?
- Yep, he's kinda clingy.
- Is that your type?
- My type is any guy, okay,
any guy, just any, any guy.
- Do you have low standards?
- What are you doing?
What's happening?
Are you a shrink, are you a therapist?
- What are you doing?
- Are you giving me therapy
right here right now?
Should I lay down?
- Excuse me sir, you have a phone call.
- No, I don't.
Hey, how about after this we could--
- Hey, you got a little
something right there, got it.
- God damn it.
"Stuck In The Boring Car
On A Road Trip" was fun,
because we were on a stage
where we had a projection
playing behind us of a
road being driven on.
- [Man] This looks so
good, this looks real.
Yeah.
- The level of detail to make this car
look like it was driving,
with a branch near a light to give it,
like give the windshield a
shadow of trees passing overhead,
using a pipe to make the
car bounce up and down,
to give it the illusion
that we were moving.
- Oh, we're bumpin'.
You want us bumpin' around a little bit?
- Look at those rockin'.
- Don't come knockin'.
(laughs)
They really made it look
like we were driving,
when we were just sitting
very freakin' still.
In a fun little tidbit, that
didn't make it into the cut,
Katie, on-set, said--
- This guy's driving pretty close.
- Which guy?
(laughs)
- [Man] Okay, let's cut.
- The image behind us has no other cars,
so it's very very funny
and horribly inaccurate.
- All right, guys, everyone
has their computer, right?
Remember, this is a writer's retreat.
It's not just a vacation.
- Yeah, we'll do some
writing or something.
- Okay, who's in my car?
- Grant and Rogers ordered the sandwich,
so we have to be together.
- Whoa, and I gotta see that.
- Let's get a party car going!
- Yeah!
- Come on.
- Wait, what about me?
- Oh, well someone should ride with Katie.
- Oh.
- Yeah, she's nervous in large groups
and we're a little
crowded in here, you know?
- Okay.
- Thanks Rehka.
(luggage rumbles)
(door slams)
- Is your car close?
- I don't, we'll find it.
(sighs)
I need gas though.
(car engine starts)
(hawk screams)
(foreboding music plays)
- Whoo!
- This is gonna be so frickin' sick!
- Yeah, hell yeah, look what I just found!
- Whoa!
- What's going on?
(air horns blast)
(Katie sniffs)
(Rehka sighs)
- It's crazy they couldn't
squeeze us in that car.
- What?
- I said it's crazy they couldn't
squeeze us into that car.
- Why?
- Just 'cause everybody's in there,
looks like they're all having fun.
- Well, we can have fun too, see?
- Were you gonna suggest something?
- I thought I was opening the door
for a conversation to start.
(laughter)
- Hey, is anyone up for some hot jams?
- Oh yeah, yeah.
- This is Hot Time Fun
Time, it's a playlist
I made specifically for this trip.
(music plays)
- Maybe we get some music going?
(rock music plays)
- Um, rock can actually
make me pretty nervous.
Is it okay if we try something else?
- Yeah, yeah.
(R&B plays)
- Um, R&B actually makes me wistful,
can we try something else?
- Should we just turn it off?
- If you want to, yeah, you can go--
- No, you seem excited, I'll turn it off.
- No, it's fine.
(music stops)
(singing off-key)
- You know, I don't even
mind how long this ride is.
- Oh yeah, totally, we
could not even get there
and I would be fine.
- You guys wanna do a one word story?
- Yeah!
- Once
- upon
- A
- butt.
(laughter)
- Uh, we could try a podcast.
- Yes, anything.
- [Radio Host] Hello from WBEZ Chicago,
it's This American Life.
Today in our show, 800 short
stories by Mike Birbiglia.
- Oh, turn it up.
- [Mike] So, strange things kept happening
to me when I was sleeping--
- Oh, um, can you actually rewind?
I missed that bit.
- [Mike] So, strange things kept happening
to me when I was sleeping--
(Katie laughs loudly)
- That's funny.
- [Mike] I was at a hotel.
- Gosh, we have so many inside jokes now,
I don't know how we'll ever be able
to explain it to Katie and Rehka.
- Oh man, we really should.
- We'd have to feed them a cranberry.
(laughter)
- Hey, who wants fun cake?
- What?
- [Mike] And now for my 17th story.
I was having this crazy thing
happen when I was sleeping.
(bag crinkles)
- Food fight!
See, we can have fun.
- No, that's the last of the food.
- Oh, dang.
(fireworks burst)
- Whoa, what's going on up there?
- I'm gonna call them.
(phone rings)
- [Ally] Hey, sorry
y'all, we can't hear you.
We're lighting off friendship fireworks.
- Wait, what?
- [Friend On Phone] Yeah,
we're all becoming so close
and bonded that we wanted to celebrate
this new deep tier of friendship.
- [Zac] Yeah, we're getting
to know each other so well
that we can communicate
with just our minds.
- [Friend On Phone] Everybody
bring it in for a group hug!
- [Friends] Aaah!
- Group hug?
- What?
We can be deep too.
- Yeah.
- Katie, how are you?
- I'm fine.
(fake sobs)
- This sucks.
- Okay, how do we fix this?
We are two very fun people, how is it
that this is not a very fun car?
- Maybe if Grant was here to distract us
with his stupid loud voice.
- God, he's always
screaming, it's so annoying.
- Yeah, it is.
And Ally?
- Oh, when she takes off her shoes,
it pisses me off so much
that I can't talk about it,
but I can shit talk about it.
- What about Zac and his dumbass haircut?
- Or Raph and his dumbass shirt?
- And Trapp and his dumbass life?
- [Katie] I hate all of them.
- [Rehka] I do too.
- More like done cake, right?
(laughter)
- Ugh, you guys don't mind if
I take my shoes off, do you?
- What?
- Oh.
"Minority Report Computer" was
really interesting to shoot.
The idea for the video
came from, just, a bit
that I was doing with Mike Trapp,
where people would be
taking out their computers
and I'd pretend to take out
my Minority Report computer,
and, like, do these big arm gestures.
I had no idea what the sketch
was gonna come out like,
because I was literally just,
moving my hands like this
and everything was added afterwards.
If you guys would like to
see some of my hand moves,
this is me scrolling through a keyboard,
this is "I don't wanna look at that."
- [Grant] Just close it!
- Okay, I'm trying, I'm trying.
- [Grant] Close the tabs, Katie!
- What do you think I'm doing?
- [Grant] I don't know, none of this
makes any fucking sense to me.
Just close the thing!
- Okay, there.
I got a lot of exercise that day.
(people chatting)
- Okay, let's do this, people.
The 2017 All Hands Meeting.
Now, Katie's gonna be
taking thorough notes,
so you don't need your computers at all,
you can put them away and just listen.
All right, let's get started.
- Hold on one second, let me
just set up my new computer.
(techno music)
- Whoa!
- Fancy.
- All right, Zac, take it away.
- Okay, well, based on market
data that we conducted,
(Katie grunts)
over the past five quarters--
- I'm sorry Zac, Katie?
What's, what's up?
- I'm just a little bit
shaky on the new computer,
but here's an idea, maybe Zac could try
not to talk like a speed demon?
- I'm talking at a normal pace.
- No, you are not.
- Okay, maybe--
- You've only typed four letters.
- Prove it!
- Okay, okay, maybe Zac was
talking a little fast, maybe--
- Absurdly fast.
- Are you sure you don't
want a normal computer?
- Yes, I'm-- Shit.
Trust me, this is gonna make me
so much more productive in the long run.
I need to get used to it.
You can keep going.
- Fine.
Anyways, we believe that we'll experience
a seven percent revenue increase
at the end of the fiscal year, 2017.
- I'm sorry to interrupt, Katie,
would you mind pulling
up the email I sent you
about our individual video success?
- Yes, I just figured out
email this morning, see?
Easy.
(loud music plays)
- Oh, Katie turn it down.
- Sorry, sorry.
- So loud.
- Sorry, I did not
realize I had music open
on one of these tabs.
- Yeah, can you turn it off please?
- Okay, I'm trying!
I have to go through all of them
- [Mike] Turn it off.
- Okay, maybe you guys can
take a break or something.
- Fungus everywhere?
- Oh, I don't know,
just don't look at this.
- Go to a doctor.
- Just close it.
- Okay, all right, I did it.
- This is ridiculous.
Just use a normal computer.
- No, I need to get used
to it now or I never will.
It's gonna be so much more efficient,
okay, is it time for
the video yet, or what?
What are we doing?
- Fine, yes, fine, load up the video.
- Good.
See, easy?
- Oh, not that video.
- Shit.
Hey, who did this?
- [Woman] Is that your penis?
- Which one of you rascals did this?
- On a work computer.
- Okay, I'll try to put it in the trash,
there's a special stick for it.
- [Computer] Your pussy is juicy--
- Trapp, help.
- I don't have the--
- Let go of his arm!
- It doesn't do anything.
- Help! Help!
- Get rid of it!
(all screaming)
- I got it.
Easy.
- Katie, you should not be
using this computer, all right?
Turn it off so we can
continue with the meeting.
- Please don't make me.
- Turn it off.
- No, please.
- Just turn it off.
- Katie, turn it off.
- Turn it off.
- Oh but I don't want to.
- Turn the computer off.
- Katie, turn the fucking computer off!
- You're like a child.
- Katie, turn it off!
Turn this fucking computer
off, right fucking now!
Don't fucking do it,
don't fucking do that.
Turn it off, that's so adorable.
(incoherent yells)
- [Computer] Turning me off
was not a wise decision.
- Oh, that's not good.
- I think it came out really well.
I'm done.
(laughter)
- Hi, it's Mike Trapp from CollegeHumor.
Click here to subscribe, click
here for more fun things,
and send help to keep me from sinking.
Please, like, please help, please help.
