I am happy to be here.
Stand-up comedy is very, uh,
female-dominated.
(audience laughs)
I was doing a comedy festival
in Austin
and sometimes,
when you check into your hotel,
uh, the festival's left,
like, a little gift bag for you.
Which is nice.
And so I was checking
into the hotel
and there were a bunch
of male comics in front of me,
checking in, and, like,
good for them.
You know, for trying. You know?
And I got up
and the lady said to me,
"Do you want your bag?"
And I said, "Yeah."
I mean, of course
I want what's free, you know?
I realized she hadn't asked
any of the dudes
if they wanted it,
and I didn't realize why
until I got back
to my hotel room
and saw that the main gift
from the festival
for all the comics
was a Fleshlight.
(scattered laughter)
Yeah, so there's, like,
32 perverts here.
Uh...
Either that, or you're just,
like, on a first date
and you don't want her to know
that you're a psycho.
Um...
If you don't know
what a Fleshlight is,
uh, it's a sex toy.
Okay?
Uh, this one...
I mean, it could be a butt,
a fake butt.
This one was a fake pussy.
A synthetic vagina,
if you will,
um, disguised
within a flashlight.
I don't know why.
I guess so if you're jacking off
and your mom walks in on you,
you're like, "Ah!
It was a blackout!
I got scared,
I (bleep) the flashlight!"
Arguably worse, you know,
uh, than if
she had just caught you
with your penis in your hand.
Uh, 'cause now she's worried,
you know?
Maybe calling all the neighbors.
"I don't know, apparently Tom's
(bleep) all the appliances!"
So all the dude comics
were having a great festival,
you know?
(bleep) themselves.
Um... what was I to do,
as a lady comedian,
with a Fleshlight, you know?
Except for just practice kissing
all weekend.
Huh?
I got really good at it.
Um...
It started kissing back.
And then...
I walked it over to the FedEx,
popped it in the mail, sent it
to my boyfriend at the time,
'cause I'm an American hero.
So...
Uh, he lived in Ohio,
uh, which is where I grew up.
A lot of people in Ohio
don't realize
that you can just put
all of your things into a bag
and then leave.
Scoot right on out.
(laughs)
You know?
My mom and I, uh,
we go way back.
And...
she's so sweet,
but she's, like,
very uncomfortable
with anything sexual.
Okay? I think
it's 'cause she's a virgin.
Uh...
But she knows
that I like the word "boner."
It's a silly word;
fun activity.
And on Halloween last year,
she sent me a little card
in the mail.
You know, like all moms do
on Halloween.
(chuckles)
It said, "Happy Halloween."
Like, a little skeleton
on the front of it.
(chuckles)
This is the skeleton.
This is also what I look like
when I'm trying to look thin
in a fat out.
And then, underneath, it said,
"Bone Appétit."
Okay?
And then you open it up
and my mom had hand-written
in there,
"Or boner appétit to you."
No.
I think you just
told your daughter
she's got an appetite
for boner.
And I do, you know?
But I never finish 'em.
(scoffs) So...
I just get mine
and then I scoot.
My mom, uh, has been with Sprint
for the last... 70 years.
And, uh, and she had a little
Jitterbug flip phone thing,
uh, and it stopped working,
so she took it into the store
and she was like,
"My phone's broken."
And they were like,
"You dropped it."
And she's like, "I never."
You know?
And my mom didn't drop it, okay?
She keeps it, like,
in her quilt purse,
wrapped in a quilt,
in another quilt.
The phone rings
and my mom's like,
"See you later."
"Hello?"
And then no one's there.
So she goes, "Well, how much is
it to replace?"
And they said, "$200."
And she's like, "I paid $29,"
you know.
And they're like, "Yeah, well,
with the rebate and everything."
She goes, "I need to go home
and think about it."
Which only a 63-year-old woman
can do, you know?
They just, like,
spend three days without a phone
just to figure out
whether it's cost-viable.
You know?
So she goes home and calls me
from the landline
looking for some advice,
and I was just like,
"Yeah, Mom.
Figure out
how much longer you have left."
You know?
On the plan, you monsters.
So you don't have to pay
to get out of it, you know?
She goes, "Okay."
So she calls them
from the landline
and they say, "Yeah,
we can answer that for you.
"We just need you to answer
some security questions
and get into your account."
And my mom goes, "Okay."
And Sprint said, "Who was
your childhood best friend?"
And my mom said, "Margo."
And Sprint said, "No."
And she goes...
"Was it Gail?"
And they're like, "No."
And she goes, "Oh, my God.
I don't know. Was it Trudy?
And they're like, "Ma'am,
"you can really only answer this
so many times.
Why don't you think about it
and give us a call back?"
(laughter, applause)
So then my mom calls me again.
She's like, "This is bogus."
(laughs)
And I was like, "It is.
And I got her all fired up
and I was like,
"Screw Sprint, Mom.
Screw Sprint!"
And she was like, "Don't cuss."
And then she called them back
and she's like,
"I'm gonna be leaving
your company.
I am going over
to my daughter's company, AT&T."
Like I own it, you know?
And they're like,
"We're sorry to hear that.
(bleating)
We're Sprint."
And then my mom goes,
"Well, can I know who my
childhood best friend is?"
(applause)
(laughs)
