FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT
OF TIME OVER THERE
STANDING ON STAGE, AWAY FROM MY
CHAIR
TURNING THE NEWS INTO A GREAT
CHRISTMAS FEAST
FULL OF WHO PUDDING, AND RARE
"WHO" ROASTBEAST
WHERE WE EXCHANGE PRESENTS AND
LIGHT THE YULE LOG
FOR THE GREAT WHOVILLE CHRISTMAS
THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, I PULL A GREAT
GRINCHY TRICK
AND DRESS UP IN RED TO LOOK LIKE
SAINT NICK.
I TAKE MY DOG BENNY, AND THEN
SOME BLACK THREAD
AND TIE A BIG HORN TO THE TOP OF
HIS HEAD.
AND I PILFER EACH PRESENT FOR
MANY A MILE
TO STEAL THE CHRISTMAS OF NEWS
THAT IS MY SEGMENT...
>> "MEANWHILE."
 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: IT'S A CHRISTMAS
MIRACLE.
IT RHYMED.
IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE,
MEANWHILE-- MEANWHILE, THERE'S
NOTHING WE CAN'T DO WITH
"MEANWHILE."
MEANWHILE, IN DEEP-FRIED HOLIDAY
NEWS, "WALMART IS SELLING K.F.C.
FRIED CHICKEN-SCENTED FIRELOGS
THIS HOLIDAY SEASON."
PERFECT FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE
NOSTALGIC FOR THE SMELL OF
CHRISTMAS AT DAD'S NEW
APARTMENT.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
 ( AS DAD )
"THIS IS JUST AS FUN, RIGHT
KIDS?
LOOK!
LOOK, MY BED'S IN THE WALL!"
BUT DON'T LET THE SMELL FOOL
YOU.
THE K.F.C. LOG IS "MADE FROM
100% RECYCLED WAX CARDBOARD."
SO, THE SAME RECIPE AS THEIR
POTATOES.
>> Jon: OOOOH!
>> Stephen: MEANWHILE, "WALMART
HAS APOLOGIZED FOR SELLING A
SWEATER FEATURING SANTA WITH
COCAINE," FEATURING SAINT NICK
BEHIND A TABLE DOING RAILS, WITH
THE PHRASE-- DOING RAILS WITH
THE PHRASE "LET IT SNOW."
LISTEN, I KNOW IT'S SHOCKING,
BUT EVENTUALLY, ALL KIDS LEARN
THE TRUTH.
THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS, BUT THE
ONLY WAY HE CAN MOVE FAST ENOUGH
TO COVER THE ENTIRE WORLD IN ONE
NIGHT IS WITH THE HELP OF A
LITTLE CANDY CANE, YOU KNOW,
SOME NORTH POLE MARCHING
POWERED.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKI TALKING 
A LITTLE-- A LITTLE HIGH-SPEED
REINDEER FEED.
A LITTLE RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE
CANDY.
WHAT I'M SAYING IS HE HAS A REAL
PROBLEM.
MEANWHILE, CHINA IS DEVELOPING
"MUTANT PIGS THAT COULD HELP
SAVE THEM FROM A PORK
APOCALYPSE."
YES, THE PORK APOCALYPSE-- OR,
AS IT'S KNOWN IN AMERICA:
BREAKFAST.
APPARENTLY, THESE MUTANT PIGS
"ARE FORTIFIED WITH A GENE FOR
REGULATING HEAT, BUFFERING THEM
AGAINST HYPOTHERMIA-INDUCED
WINTERS."
IN AMERICA, WE ALREADY SOLVED
THE PROBLEM OF KEEPING PIGS
WARM.
WE GIVE THEM BLANKETS.
LOOK HOW TOAST I THEY ARE.
I'LL SEE YOU AT CHRISTMAS.
I'LL SEE YOU AT THE CHRISTMAS
PARTY!
 ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, AT THIS YEAR'S ART
BASEL FESTIVAL IN MIAMI, A
BANANA WAS DUCT TAPED TO A WALL
IN A PIECE ENTITLED "COMEDIAN,"
AND PRICED AT $120,000.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
AT WHOLE FOODS, THAT'LL GET YOU,
LIKE, THREE BANANAS.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
CRAZY.
$120,000.
IT'S JUST CRAZY!
BUT THE PLOT THICKENED THIS
WEEKEND WHEN A PERFORMANCE
ARTIST WALKED INTO THE GALLERY,
TOOK THE BANANA OFF THE WALL,
PEELED IT, AND THEN ATE IT!
IN A PIECE HE TITLED "HUNGRY
ARTIST"-- A PRIME EXAMPLE OF HOW
MODERN ART HAS BECOME JUST A
CRASS EXERCISE IN
SELF-REFERENTIAL PROFITEERING.
AND A GREAT SOURCE
OF POTASSIUM.
MEANWHILE, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN
HISTORY "MUHAMMAD IS ONE OF
AMERICA'S TOP TEN BABY NAMES,"
WHICH IS GREAT, BUT KEEP IN MIND
THE LIST "COMBINES NAMES THAT
SOUND SIMILAR BUT HAVE ALTERNATE
SPELLINGS, LIKE MUHAMMAD AND
MOHAMMED."
OKAY, THAT'S WHERE I DRAW THE
LINE!
COMBINING THE SPELLINGS OF
DIFFERENT NAMES IS UNNATURAL.
FOR INSTANCE, I'M A
"P.H. STEPHEN."
WE'RE GOOD PEOPLE.
THOSE "V" STEVENS?
HUMAN GARBAGE.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
 ( APPLAUSE )
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
ED HARRIS.
I'M SORRY!
