You know what, Video Game publishers?
Screw your ‘immersion’.
Yeah, that’s right!
We don’t need custom physics engines for
each blade of grass, or a simulator that mimics
every single bodily function!
The whole point of playing games is to escape
the drudgery of life, not recreate it, so
stop reminding us about nuisances like ‘jobs’
or needing to wee every once in a while, ok!?
Besides, despite your best attempts at startling
realism, some things still don’t come close.
Sure, you might have a fully-fledged wildlife
ecosystem, and horse testicles that react
to the cold, but your main character can still
carry enough medicine in a tiny satchel to
open a branch of Boots, and also, why hasn’t
he died of dysentery yet?
Nope, some aspects of games just don’t make
any sense in the cold, harsh, gotta-pay-those-bills-tinted
light of reality.
Don’t get us wrong – we fully appreciate
the silliness in games, as we do any title
that pushes the technological boundaries…
But that won’t stop us pushing our glasses
up and making nit-picking observations that
‘AHH, Acshually, that wouldn’t happen
IRL!’
I’m Ben from TripleJump, and here are 10
Video Game Tropes that Defy Real-World Logic.
10.
NPC’s that just do nothing
Unless you suffer from severe Truman Show
Delusion – a real condition, apparently,
it’s on Wikipedia and everything – you
can accept that other strangers have their
own lives to live.
Hah, it’s not like their sole purpose is
to exist solely for the benefit of the main
protagonist, YOU… except in videogames!
Plenty of digital towns, villages, and Middle-of-Nowheres
are cursed with these lethargic layabouts.
Take for example, this poor chap, doomed to
read the same news article, stuck in the same
Pokecentre, for 23 years…
Sure, some locals have mastered the art of
‘looking busy’, but it still doesn’t
explain how they bring home the moolah.
Standing around town, creepily telling children
about how impressive your beard is doesn’t
count as a full-time job, ya weirdo…
And don’t think you’re innocent either,
Link –just because these people are stuck
in groundhog day paralysis, DOESN’T mean
you can go around smashing up their priceless
vases!
Honestly, they worked hard to earn those – oh
right, they didn’t, that’s the whole point…
To be fair to these titles though, not every
game can create a stunning recreation of real-life
routines, such as Oblivion’s Radiant AI…right,
Ongar?
Ahh, just like real people…
9.
Levelling instantly makes you more skilled
Look, sleep is important.
It’s probably the closest we can get to
a real life ‘level up screen’, the time
of rest where we absorb all of life’s lessons,
recover from the day’s trials, maybe try
to forget that embarrassing moment at work
where you had to walk around in public dressed
as Spider-Man…
But learning is a gradual process, and getting
better at something doesn’t happen overnight,
no matter how many jumps on a bannister your
fit-bit recorded today – you’re more likely
to gain +2 crutches than +5 acrobatics with
that sort of behaviour…
And we can only dream of spending all day
wandering around, noting new discoveries,
and cash in those experiences on something
completely unrelated, like, the ability to
perform brain surgery!
Sadly, it doesn’t quite work like that.
Yeah, reading books might improve your intelligence,
if you even want to risk it, but we’ve spent
weeks at the Casino and we didn’t feel like
our Luck increased at all…by the way, if
a guy called Big Tony asks, we’ve moved
to the Cayman Islands and/or we died in a
tragic Blimp accident.
8.
Instantaneous Fast Travel (that doesn’t
cost money)
I suppose technically, fast travel does exist…
it’s called public transport.
Or, if you’ve scrounged enough pennies together
from broken vases, your own personal jet.
You know the type of fast travel we’re talking
about, though – the kind where you point
at an icon on a map, and seconds later, you
materialise in front of that location, making
a mockery of space and/or time.
We’ve spoken previously about all the video
game things we’d love to be real, the ability
to teleport being one of them, so the fact
that Fast Travel ISN’T physically possible
in our stupid boring world makes us ANGRY
AND CONFUSED AND POSSIBLY HUNGRY!
If you’re a stickler for realism, some games
make an effort to provide more believable
travel options – look at Spidey travelling
on the subway like a normal person, for instance,
or a psychotic murderer taking a taxi in GTA.
But when the likes of Ezio I-Don’t-Want-To-Walk-On-The-Floor-ey
chooses to matrix-glitch to the other side
of the city, when us normies have to deal
with the rush-hour crowds of Florence, well,
we’ve half a mind to dob him in for not
paying his congestion charge…
7.
Talking to every single person before leaving
Another RPG trope, this, but one that, if
mimicked in real life, would see you put away
for excessive harassment.
We all know the types of NPCs that just loiter
around, waiting for a chance to tell us some
pointless part of their insignificant lives,
or give us one of their legendary ‘hot takes’
– Oh, you like shorts, umm, great, that
definitely counts as a personality trait …
But we forgive them, because sometimes, they’ll
actually be useful and hand out a freebie,
as thanks for listening to their woes – bless
you, you poor lonely background character!
Problem is, this only encourages our ruthless,
greedy streak, making us talk to every single
person in the area code in the hopes we get
another 5 Cracked red Eye Orbs to add to the
growing stockpile.
We get it, nobody wants to leave an area feeling
like they missed something.
Leaving the shops only to realise you forgot
to grab an Incomparable Habu Drink is a hassle,
but going back and verbally assaulting everyone
in the shops is NOT the answer!
Unless you want to be blacklisted at your
local Tesco…
6.
Throwing away entire clips of bullets / One
Bullet Clips in Shooters
You know how it be.
You’re busy ‘PWNing N00bs’ in the latest
Call of Honour: Contemporary Gunfight, on
for a killstreak of 12 thousand, BANG, reload,
BANG, reload, BANG… hang on, where the hell
is our ammo?
…What do you mean, those bullets don’t
magically reappear in fresh new magazines?
*sigh* Fine, I’ll go back and pick up those
discarded clips, then…
You see, actual gun maintenance is tricky.
Even a simple reload has its pitfalls, and
could lead to some embarrassing performance
issues, it’s ok Ocelot, it happens to plenty
of men… cats… whatever the hell you are…
Luckily, most modern mainstream shooters will
indulge our habitual reload abuse, and not
punish us by making us sit down in a corner,
count out individual rounds, and load them
into a clip…
“Clips are what Civvies use in their hair;
this is called a magazine”
Oh, alright Bangalore, you must be fun at
parties… honestly, and we thought WE were
being pedantic with this list…
But if you DID want that sort of headache,
or ‘Immersive Experience’, there are options
out there with military simulations like Arma
or Insurgency, so you can add ‘magazine
management’ to your list of worries when
you’re getting shot at from 5 different
directions – hooray!
5.
X-Ray or ‘stealth’ vision
Forget magic stealth sight, the only thing
you’re likely to get If you keep doing a
weird squatting crouch is chronic back pain
and funny looks from strangers…
But that doesn’t stop video games from perpetuating
the ABHORENT LIES that anyone of a stealthy
disposition can just concentrate hard and
adopt X-ray eyes, heightened senses, Eagle
Vision, Detect Life spells, really good hearing,
or whatever else the kids are calling it these
days.
Now we understand clever gadgets like thermal
sights exist, and we’re not ruling out Deus
Ex-style cybernetic body mods in the future.
Hell, there’s a slim chance of super-powers
being a real thing – please don’t ruin
our dream of meeting actual real-life Spiderman
ok?
But don’t tell us that Far Cry 3’s Jason
Brody just happened to find a pair of binoculars
that gave him Predator Vision, and the last
time we checked, The Last Of Us featured a
regular sad bloke called Joel, not a super-soldier
called J-0-3-L who can sense enemies through
walls because Reasons…
And since it’s been over 10 seconds since
our last mention of The Elder Scrolls, honourable
mention to any poor NPC who was born without
spatial awareness or long-term memories.
Hmm, what’s that?
Our dearest and best friend has been struck
with a cruel case of ‘arrow to the face’?
I’ll swear bloody, violent vengeance on
whatever scumbag did this!
… well, I would, but it was clearly just
the wind, so let’s put the sword away and
go back to our important job of staring at
a cave wall.
4.
Invisible walls and artificial boundaries
That’s great, it starts with a landscape,
Higher ground and a mountain range,
No way past, it’s very strange…
Travelling moron, finds a giant Goron,
Large crowd of dancing clowns, arbitrary wall
of clouds,
Piss-coloured force field, dangerous minefield,
killed by your own troops, running from the
battlefield,
[buildup]
Poorly timed festival, doorman is a massive
tool,
Can’t, climb, overthiswaist-high wall,
--2nd verse--
Stupid chump, won’t jump, can’t go that
way cos the
Old, Man’s, Drunk
Wandering the wasteland, “You Cannot Go
That Way,
Turn Back”, Turned Back, what about aJetpack?
Jet-ski?
Sailing free, til you sink into the sea,
Fly far, refuse to learn, “Please Make a
U-Turn”
Super grizzled cowboy doesn’t know how to
swim,
Building work, guards are jerks, still won’t
let me in,
[Buildup to chorus]
Door locked, Door blocked, Alleyway full of
rocks,
Forest, Dwellers, Suck…
[chorus]
It’s the edge of the world as we know it
*Ahem* yes, so in short…invisible walls
in all forms are stupid and make no sense…
err, next point?
3.
Water is insta-death
“The lot of us…we can’t swim – YAGH!”
As we hinted at earlier, water is probably
the most dangerous substance known to video
game characters.
You know, despite almost all living organisms
requiring the wet stuff to literally survive.
Apparently, aquaphobia is a very real, and
contagious epidemic, an affliction often seen
in older titles, but not lost on our more
contemporary brethren.
Doesn’t matter if you’re a stone-cold
cowboy killer, a manic Bandicoot, an 80’s
crime afficionado, or a highly trained medieval
assassin, one touch of that deadly H20 and
you’ll dissolve faster than the Wicked Witch
in a water gun fight.
And if it’s not the protagonists, it’s
the support characters – you’d think guards
living in Venice, aka ‘The City of Water’,
would have worked out a simple doggy paddle
by now…
It’s all rather ridiculous, but there are
some reasonable exceptions.
And sometimes, it’s not the water you need
fear, but rather, the beasts that dwell beneath…
Sharks acting as an underwater border patrol,
piranha-infested lakes, or a ravenous pack
of slaughter-fish, are all valid reasons to
stay out of the deep end.
But we all know how spiders hate bath time,
and yet, Spidey’s managed to conquer his
biggest fear, so take inspiration, fellow
game characters, and fear not the slippery
death juice!
2.
Eating/Drinking cures all injuries
You know what they say – an apple a day
keeps the doctor away, and a thousand cheese
wheels a minute cures extreme blood loss and
blunt force trauma, cholesterol be damned!
You can trust us, we’re trained medical
professionals!
Legal Disclaimer: Ben Potter and Peter Austin
do not represent the views of trained medical
professionals, and under no circumstances
should you try to consume this much dairy
or attempt to run with a herd of cheese wheels
down a steep mountain face…
Shockingly, despite everything we’ve learnt
from video games, eating a hearty meal or
downing a pint of milk isn’t really going
to heal 17 stab wounds.
Yup, sorry Mr Heavy, turns out that Sandvich
was just a placebo, and you had the power
inside you all along!
And, most likely a serious heart condition
too.
Likewise, drinking booze won’t make you
stronger, caffeine doesn’t make you more
intelligent, and that 200-year-old ‘perfectly
preserved pie’ is likely neither preserved,
or at this point, even pie…seriously, DO
NOT consume that…
Some games get away with more simply because
“Fantasy Setting!”, with Geralt’s mutant
metabolism in the Witcher, or because “Future
Setting!”, such as with Deus Ex’s nanite-infested
leads …
But honestly, while we love the idea of synthetic
space tacos with healing properties, it’s
just as likely to lead to severe stomach cramps.
1.
Unlimited backpack or pocket space
“Hold on to that ammo, I’m already carrying
too much gear”
…SAID NOBODY IN ANY VIDEO GAME EVER, AM
I RIGHT?
Well, apart from that one just there, but
Mr JC Denton already has 5 pistols, 2 assault
shotguns, a sniper rifle, a flamethrower,
and 29 packs of Soy Food, all crammed into
that slim-fitting trench-coat…somehow, look,
the logistics aren’t important…
Should we question how Mr Threepwood can carry
all those cannonballs, Idols, Gopher Repellents
and literal Red Herrings?
Best not to…
Is Minecraft Steve technically a being of
immense strength, because he can hold up to
2,304 blocks of solid stone?
Yeah, probably.
Is it near impossible that a sinewy chosen
undead can lug around 30 different armour
sets and a wide array of very pointy weapons,
hidden Gwyn-only-knows-where?!
No, not at all!
From Resi’s in-built minigame of inventory
Tetris, to Final Fantasy’s generous 99 item
limit, games have always played fast and loose
with the concept of carrying things.
But honestly, there’s a simple, logical
answer for these incredibly economical space-savers…
Ikea Gremlins.
Yes, it’s these little helpers that ensure
your 20 foot, impossible-to-pronounce table
fits into a 10-centimetre-square flat pack
box, and game characters have been illegally
using their patented physics-defying sorcery
for years now!
We’re on to you, Ikea, and if you don’t
want us to tell the world your dirty secrets,
you’ll pay us handsomely!
That’s right…all the BILLYS, FLÄRDFULLs
and GRÖNKULLAs you’ve got, unmarked packaging,
24 hours from now…
And some meatballs and weird gingerbread please.
And there we have it, we successfully managed
to blackmail ourselves some new living room
furniture – oh, and err, something about
video games, I guess…
Let us know in the comments what other game
tropes you think would be downright silly
in 
real life.
