[MUSIC PLAYING]
 (SINGING) Tell it to my heart.
Tell me I'm the only one.
 Wow.
 Go, Taylor Dayne.
You know what I'm saying?
- Wow.
 Ah, ah gang right there.
You know that.
 Wow.
Taylor Dayne, dog.
I thought Taylor-- sucio
boy, admitted sucio boy.
I thought that was a pino star.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
--was also a pino--
I also think there's also a--
 I think Taylor Rain.
I think Taylor Rain
might be a pino star.
- Taylor Rain?
- Yeah.
 That sounds more pino-ish.
 There you go.
There you go.
Little suc-- suci report.
JULIA: It really-- it just took
no time at all to get suce.
 Listen, that's what we do.
That's all-- all these shows
are exercises to see how
fast we can bring the sucio.
JULIA: Yeah, it really
takes my breath away.
 OK.
 (SINGING) It takes
your breath away.
JULIA: Well, speaking of music--
MERO: (SINGING) Julia.
 (SINGING) Julia.
JULIA: --speaking of music--
 (SINGING) Sucio.
JULIA: --did you guys listen
to the new Lady Gaga song
with Ariana?
- Of course.
 Oh.
JULIA: What do we think?
 Of course.
 With Ariana Grande.
Yes, we stan.
JULIA: What do we--
 Of course, I immediately--
I-- you know, I--I favorited
the Instagram post four
seconds after she posted it.
You know me.
Got the-- got the
notifications--
MERO: Yeah.
- --on Jackie 10.
At first, I thought they
were going to like--
I thought they--
I was like they remade
Ashanti "Rain on Me."
I was like, ooh, classics.
But it's a totally
different song.
MERO: Yo.
JULIA: What do you think of it?
 She's-- it was-- it was chill.
 It was fantastic.
 It was-- it was--
 It's Ariana.
 Yeah.
 Ariana let down the ponytail.
Big-- yo, it got big art
school production values.
 Hell, yeah.
 I-- I like this.
JULIA: Yeah, when
did they film this?
 You know what?
I don't think--
 2019.
 I don't think
Ariana and Lady Gaga--
like, they don't exist in the
world where there's COVID.
They live in--
JULIA: Yeah.
 --a different world.
And every now and then,
they come into our world
and bless us and leave, so--
 They-- they shot this on,
like, a different-- they
shot this on, like, Jupiter.
JULIA: On Chromatica.
That's the planet.
 That's-- exact--
it's the new one.
 Is that--
 It's the new-- the new planet.
They discovered it.
 Yeah, Neil deGrasse
Tyson found that.
But no one knew.
- Yeah.
 You know.
 They're not ready
for that conversation.
I thought that was Taylor
Swift for a second, but--
JULIA: It does look like her.
MERO: She actually got the bits.
JULIA: Right?
 That is a fine--
that is-- listen, that's Lady
Gaga, a fine New York Italian.
You watch your mouth, OK?
 Hey, you watch your mouth
when you talk about Stefani
Germanotta, all right?
DESUS: OK?
All right?
 All right.
 I knew her--
I knew her father,
good man, good man.
- That's right.
- You know.
 He got a restaurant.
Little problem with the
rent, but you know what,
they're working
their way through it.
 It's fine.
It's a good thing.
He's a good guy.
It's Vinnie.
 Ariana and Lady Gaga looked
like they be wild annoying
on LIRR after a Rangers game.
Just like--
MERO: Oh, man.
 --in the-- in the black
tights with the Uggs.
 They're like the
"hot" girls that went
to the hockey game and shit.
- Yeah, yeah.
 Like, they're-- they're
like-- they're Long Island 10s.
DESUS: Like-- like--
 They were like,
yo, got in trouble.
DESUS: Like-- like--
 Shut up-- shut up, Bobby.
You're a jerk.
 Three guys in Penn Station
got into a fight over them.
And they don't even know them.
MERO: Yeah.
 Good stuff.
 Yeah, you guys are jerks.
 Nice.
 Let's go to-- let's
go get some bagels.
JULIA: Have you ever eaten at
Lady Gaga's dad's restaurant?
- No.
- What is it?
It's a--
 Its like an
Italian restaurant.
- --Italian food?
- Is it Papa John's?
[LAUGHTER]
DESUS: There-- there you go.
Papa Gaga's, OK.
 Her dad owns Buca di Beppo.
 Wait a minute.
She basically shot this
in Papa John's library.
MERO: Yo!
 I think in the back,
you can see the Eagles.
 (SINGING) Hey, oh, oh.
Oh, oh, babe.
 Wow.
This is--
 What?
You're just like walking
through Zara and shit,
like, looking at shit like, yes.
DESUS: Yo, this song has
big Peloton energy, like--
JULIA: Uh oh.
 I can see--
I can see me sweaty
at 9:00 AM with 500
other people across the nation
just in that coat going, baby.
Bring that Ari as Cody
Rigsby yelling at me.
Yo, Jesus.
 This looks like it--
I fuck with it.
But like, the costumes
are, like, a little
"Battlefield Earth"-y kind of.
JULIA: Yes.
MERO: You know what I'm saying?
You get that vibe, too?
 Never saw "Battlefield Earth."
JULIA: Oh, don't.
 Don't.
Yeah, don't.
JULIA: It's the worst movie--
 Is that the one
with Tom Cruise or--
 With John Travolta.
Even worse.
JULIA: And Forest Whitaker.
 OK, say that.
 And Forest Whitaker, yeah.
 See, you guys can say that.
 I forgot he was in that.
 There's never been a moment
where I was like, I need to see
this John Travolta movie, so--
[MUSIC PLAYING]
MERO: Oh, you bitches can't--
DESUS: Bundles.
MERO: --spell frog.
DESUS: Bundles.
[LAUGHTER]
Bundles.
MERO: Yo.
 The best part is
once New York reopens,
there's gotta be so
many theater kids
reenacting this
video on the train.
Just annoying-- annoying people.
MERO: Oh, man.
- Give them room.
Give the room.
You think it's
showtime, it's not.
Just a kid with a
scarf around his neck--
MERO: Nah.
- --like yes.
MERO: Wow with glitter tears.
DESUS: Yes!
MERO: What is-- OK, this is--
this is heavy.
DESUS: That's a look.
That's a look.
JULIA: Alex is telling me
on Slack that Barry Pepper
is also in "Battlefield Earth."
- Oh.
- Barry Pepper?
JULIA: I don't know who that is.
 OK, I don't--
I-- I-- I think that's
Mrs. Dash's husband.
He's also a seasoning.
MERO: Yes.
- So--
- You know what I'm saying?
DESUS: Barry Pepper.
 He was-- he was the original
pepper from salt and pepper.
 Oh, wait.
Is he relate-- yo, is he
related to Gia Peppers?
- Oh.
- Huh?
Yeah, sucio.
Y'all know a little-- listen.
Yeah, Alex knows what
I'm talking about, yeah.
JULIA: At home?
 Don't Google that
in front of your moms.
 There you go, or do it, yeah.
Mother-- Mother's Day coming up.
Do it as a treat.
JULIA: Wait, Mother's
Day already happened.
 Yeah.
JULIA: It's Father's Day.
 Julia, I have no idea
what date it is, like--
JULIA: Yeah, that's
true, that's true.
My bad, my bad.
 Well, and they're doing like
ring around the rosie here.
What's this?
This is-- is this like--
what's the theme of the video?
Is it like all-- cause I
didn't see the whole video.
 It's themed after--
it's themed after coronavirus.
And they're doing ring around
the rosie cause that's based
off of the Black Death plague.
And it's like, ring around the
rosie, a pocketful of posies.
Ashes, ashes, we
all fall down, which
means that this is the
dance that they did to keep
the virus away from them.
And it's--
MERO: Yo!
 --replicating history.
Don't go there.
 Pow.
We gonna cremate you.
JULIA: Are you a genius?
 Am I a genius?
No, I just--
JULIA: Did you write this?
No, I-- I-- I--
me and the Ari-- me and
the other Ari Grandees.
You know, that's a high
level Grande stans.
We-- you know, we
came up with a theory.
 Yeah, no, but this had to have
been in the can for a while,
right?
 No, I think they all shot--
I think they-- everybody
shot their stuff
on individual green screens,
and then they added it together,
which sounds like a lot.
But if you have their
budgets, you know.
MERO: Oh, yeah, yeah.
 This scene right here,
let me explain this to you.
This is how humanity--
MERO: Two aliens?
DESUS: --is now dependent
on the-- on the teat
that is Zoom meetings and how
we are no longer our own person.
[MIMICS EXPLOSION]
See?
- Yo.
 Think about it.
Think about it.
 Wow.
You're tethered to the system.
DESUS: OK?
It just--
- It always at.
- --think about it.
It always says leave meeting.
It never says leave capitalism.
MERO: Oh!
Shit.
You have no choice.
 Got to stay in it, see?
 You can't leave
capitalism, yo.
- Mm-hmm.
- You know what I'm saying, yo?
 And that's why her
tears are crystal
because they've been monetized.
- That's right.
- OK.
 You know what I'm saying?
 And that's just--
MERO: That's liquid.
DESUS: --there's just Ariana--
there's just Ariana Grande wet.
Like, there's
nothing behind this.
They were just like, uh, she
was just getting her hair done.
 Yeah, throw some water on her.
Fuck it.
JULIA: OK.
DESUS: Shout out to the
black guy with the cat
ears in the back.
MERO: Is-- is that what that is?
I thought he was wearing like--
like it was, like,
hair-- a hair do.
 Nah.
 Oh, cause Ariana is like--
that's, like, Ariana's thing,
right, the cat ears?
 Rawr.
 Is she still doing that?
She's still doing that?
 Yeah.
JULIA: I think sometimes.
- Every now and then.
 Sometimes.
 As a treat, you know.
 For the-- for the
real, for the day ones.
 OK, yeah.
- You know what I'm saying?
- Don't hate.
Let her rawr.
 I'm just-- I'm--
 Let her get her rawr on.
 I'm just-- I'm--
I'm just worried
about her hairline
because when you have such
a heavy pony like that
and you rock it a lot, it
can crack your hairline.
You could damage your hairline.
And I'm-- I'm concerned
cause she's young,
you know what I mean?
And I want her to
live her best life.
JULIA: All the stuff--
everything you're saying
is true, yeah.
 Yeah, you know.
Maybe like a little
avocado, some mayo.
DESUS: Yeah, a little pine tar.
 Yeah, you know.
JULIA: Muna is saying it's
called traction alopecia.
 Traction alopecia.
Shout out to Muna.
Pow.
We scored in there.
 Traction alopecia--
traction alopecia sounds
like a fire PlayStation 2 game.
I'll play the shit out of that.
 It's mad long, though.
You got to do mad
missions and shit.
And then, you're just
like, yo, fuck it.
Then you just look
at your progress.
It says 33%.
And you've been playing
for six months straight.
JULIA: Do you guys
want some garbage goss?
 Garbage goss.
 Garbage goss, garbage goss,
nothing but garbage goss.
 Ah, ah.
 I didn't even know you
could have garbage goss,
but OK, let's--
JULIA: Yeah, it's a real--
 Let's go.
JULIA: --garbage person.
 Oh.
JULIA: Someone got a new tattoo.
 Who is that, Matt Lauer?
JULIA: Yep.
 Wow.
Wow.
 What does that say,
only god can judge me?
JULIA: Basically.
It says hatred--
 Wow.
JULIA: --corrodes the
container it is carried in.
 Wow.
- Woo.
- Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
This nigga is not spitting.
Wow.
[LAUGHTER]
OK.
- Yo.
- All right, I guess--
 And he's driving with the
windows down on no mask on.
Yo.
 Is this-- is that now
our thing now, we're just--
we're just stealing phrases
from Tumblr and putting
them on our forearms?
MERO: Come on, dog.
 Like, somewhere there's like--
somewhere there's a 15-year-old
cheerleader who thinks this is
so deep and earth-shattering.
She's like, yo.
 Come on.
The only way this could
be more pretentious
is if it was in French.
Like, you know he wrote
that shit on carbon paper
and brought it into
the tattoo artist
like, yo, I want
my own handwriting.
 Did he get this
tattoo post-coronavirus?
JULIA: I mean, it's
the first time he's
photographed with it, so maybe.
 I feel like Matt Lauer's
not social distancing.
 No.
 I feel like he doesn't--
you know, something
to think about.
 He-- he wasn't before.
 There you go.
Ah, yeah.
Sheesh.
 Do we even have
to say allegedly?
He got-- it's unalleged.
 Eh.
Eh.
Yo, I think right now,
instead of saying allegedly,
we could just, like,
wink at the camera like--
I think the worst part is
you can see he's not taking
care of the tattoo properly.
Look how it's peeling.
Come on, Matt.
Come on.
 That's just-- that's just
basic line work, like--
 A little-- a little
ointment over there.
Keep it moist.
- You know what I'm saying?
A little bacitracin.
 I'm sure that--
I'm sure the tattoo artist
told you to take care of that,
you know.
- You know what I mean?
JULIA: Do you guys
moisturize your tats?
 He probably ripped the
plastic off mad early.
 You got to moisturize
your tattoos.
 My tattoo is
like a decade old.
JULIA: How many
do you have, Mero?
 Two-- one.
JULIA: You only have one tattoo?
That's not true.
 Yeah.
No, I do.
JULIA: Oh, wait.
- It's just one.
JULIA: It's one of your
kid's names, right?
 Mm-hmm, yeah.
JULIA: And you haven't gotten
around to the other three.
 Yeah, and now they're asking.
[LAUGHTER]
DESUS: Oh, shit.
- Now they're old enough to ask.
Like, why do you
have-- why do you have
his name but not our names?
I'm like, because I like
him better than you.
Shut up.
Get out of here.
Close the door on your way out.
JULIA: Desus--
- Wow.
JULIA: --how many do you have?
You have a bunch.
 I got--
I got one.
I got the sleeve.
But the thing is a
sleeve is supposed
to be a full body tattoo.
And I was supposed
to finish it up.
But I can't because
of coronavirus.
But that's hopefully
when things get done,
I can-- yo, shout out to
my man, Andre Malcolm,
one of the world's
renowned tattoo artist.
He's going to finish
because he's determined
to give me a full body tattoo.
But not the-- it won't
be like above the neck.
MERO: The yakuza.
 So it will end, like, at
the wrists and at the ankles.
And it's going to
hurt like hell.
JULIA: You're
gonna do both legs?
 It'll be fine.
Both legs, back--
JULIA: Oh my god.
 --buttocks, everything.
It's going to be
so fucking painful.
JULIA: Do they have to
shave your legs to do that?
 They do.
JULIA: OK.
 They do.
MERO: Yep, yep.
 And-- and I'm hair--
I'm hairy like a yak.
So I have to bring like--
I have to bring four of
those pink lady razor--
leg razor joints.
JULIA: Wait.
Why wouldn't you get a wax?
 A wax?
 Get a laser, a little laser.
JULIA: No, not like--
 Why-- get a wax?
I got a bevel.
I got clippers,
like, yah, yah, yah.
You know what I'm saying?
 But-- but imagine
just like squatting
down in your bathroom and
shaving your butthole,
like your--
JULIA: Wait.
 --crack and your
perianal area.
 You said imagine.
[LAUGHTER]
OK.
JULIA: Oh dear.
- Let me tell you something.
JULIA: Oh dear.
 That toilet paper
moves very swift.
[LAUGHTER]
JULIA: I think we have
to start the show now.
 Yo, it's like--
 I'm winking at you.
 I'm burning your trench.
 Yo.
 It's raining, it's raining.
We're hitting the tarmac.
We're hitting the tarmac.
 Sometimes I hit the toilet,
and I Tokyo drift, like ah;.
JULIA: You really
bookended this--
 Yo.
JULIA: --with sucio.
You've done a wonderful job.
 Dio sucio, you know.
- Wonderful job.
- You know what I mean?
Feces and furious.
 That's what we do.
That's what we do.
[LAUGHTER]
JULIA: Oh dear.
