- First of all,
kudos to this girl, okay?
She's willing to admit in front
of a group of strangers
and her coworkers,
"Oh, by the way,
I fucked a midget,"
okay, like, kudos to her.
 [dark electronic music]
- Welcome
to "This Is Not Happening."
I'm your host, Roy Wood Jr.
 ♪ ♪
Some say it only lasts
15 minutes.
Some people are gonna tell you
it's a mythical creature
 that lives at the bottom
 of a rainbow.
And some'll tell you
not to overdo it.
[cheers and applause]
[roars in slow motion]
 But if you ask me,
 I say...
 enjoy it while it lasts.
 ♪ ♪
[laughs in slow motion]
 [cheers and applause]
was being a guest
on his podcast,
"About Last Night,"
Brad Williams, everybody!
 [cheers and applause]
- About two years into--
into comedy,
I get a headliner gig,
which is insane.
There was a dropout,
and they needed someone.
They got me.
It's a casino in Temecula,
California.
Now, if you don't know where
Temecula is,
start doing meth...
[laughter]
You'll end up in Temecula,
okay?
You just get there eventually.
So I'm doing the gig there.
It's the night after my first
show.
It goes really well.
This is a Friday night.
And then I get a phone call,
and--and it's some organizer
from a golf tournament saying,
"Hey,
"I run a celebrity charity golf
tournament
"that's playing here tomorrow.
"One of our celebrities
dropped out.
Do you want to play
in the golf tournament?"
Now, you might be thinking,
why is he calling a midget
to play in a golf tournament?
He was probably thinking that
same thing, but I play golf.
I freakin' play golf.
And before you make the joke,
fuck you, not miniature,
okay?
Not miniature!
[cheers and applause]
I play actual golf!
I'm not there,
"Oh, it's the windmill hole!
Isn't this great?"
Like, I'm not doing that.
I play real golf, okay?
My dad started me playing golf
when I was two years old, all
right?
So I'm actually kind of good at
it, and--
but I think the only reason why
my dad started me playing golf
is not because he wanted to
spend time with me
or because he wanted to advance
my character or nothing.
Like, he just wanted to make
dad jokes.
He just wanted to make dad
jokes; that's it.
Like, my dad's not a dwarf.
He's tall.
So he loves making dad jokes,
and, like,
so when we'd go play golf,
he'd make the same one every
time.
His name's Pete, and all his
friends would be like,
"Hey, Pete, you takin' your kid
out to play golf.
Is he any good?"
And his response would always
be,
"He's okay, but he's got a hell
of a short game."
Every time.
Not some of the time.
Every time.
To the point where I would be
mouthing the joke
along with him just standing
behind him.
And you think that's bad, but I
started to like it, all right?
I started to like it.
I started to like the game,
and I started to like dad jokes
to the point where I would
write my own,
where I would show up with my
dad,
and people would be like, "Hey,
Pete, your son plays golf?
What's his handicap?"
And I would yell out,
"Dwarfism, you asshole."
[laughter]
So I play golf, and I had my
clubs with me that weekend,
so I was like, "Yeah, I'll play
"in the celebrity golf
tournament.
That sounds awesome."
By the way, I am not a
celebrity.
I don't think I'm one now.
I certainly wasn't one back
then.
But they wanted me to play, so
I said, "All right, cool."
He said, "All right, meet us
down here tomorrow."
So I go down to the course the
next day.
I got my little golf outfit on.
And I'm not gonna lie to you,
a midget in a golf outfit
is adorable, okay?
It's--it's awesome.
Like, I look like the top
of a four-year-old's
birthday cake, okay, like,
it's pretty incredible.
So I walk,
and I've got my clubs.
Now, for the celebrities,
they all have their names
on their carts,
and then they have
non-celebrities
playing with them,
so you know where to meet up,
they meet
at their celebrity's cart.
So I'm looking for my cart.
And I don't see my cart.
I'm looking, and I'm like,
"All right,
"there's Bill Engvall.
"That's cool.
There's Screech."
True.
He was there.
And then there was the guy who
played Carlton
on "Fresh Prince,"
Alfonso Ribeiro.
He was there, and yeah, okay,
so not the best celebrities,
all right, like...
[laughter]
But I--I can't find my cart.
I'm looking all over.
I cannot find my cart.
So I go to this tournament
organizer, and I say,
"Hey, my name's Brad Williams.
"I'm a celebrity.
I don't have a cart."
By the way, if you ever have
to say, "I'm a celebrity,"
you're not a celebrity,
all right?
Don't go, "Take my picture.
I'm a celeb"--no, you're not.
Okay, I'm aware that I'm not a
celebrity, so I go,
"I can't find my cart."
He goes, "Oh, I know where your
cart is."
And he takes me to this cart,
and there it is
right there on the name tag:
"Wee Man."
[audience groans]
[laughs]
For those--
for those of you who don't
know, I am not him.
[laughter]
But that is something
that has happened
to every dwarf
their entire life, okay?
We always get mistaken
for other little people.
Usually, it's the midget
of the moment,
whoever that is.
So, ten years ago,
we were all Wee Man
from "Jackass," all right?
And that sucked.
That sucked!
People think you're Wee Man.
They run up,
they kick you in the balls,
they toss you
into shopping carts.
It's horrible.
Now it's not so bad.
Now everyone just thinks
I'm Dinklage
from "Game of Thrones," okay?
That's not that bad.
I don't mind when people think
I'm Dinklage.
That's cool.
Like, he's funny.
He's a great actor in the show.
He bangs a lot of hookers.
Like, I feel like
he's so popular,
I can just run up
to a random woman, start
humping her leg, and be like,
"I always pay my debts,"
okay, and I can do that.
[laughter]
If you watch the show,
that's hilarious.
If you don't watch the show,
you have no idea why
everyone's laughing right now.
That's funny to me.
So most people if this happened
to them would get
really pissed off, very angry.
Me, I'm a sick freak comedian,
and I go,
"This is gonna be a great
story."
Like, I don't freak out.
I just look, and I go, "All
right...I'm Wee Man today."
[laughter]
Now.
I was gonna tell my group
of non-celebrities
the whole story,
'cause I didn't want them
to be disappointed.
All right?
But then,
as soon as they saw me
standing in front of the cart,
they lit up, and they're like,
"Oh, my God! We got Wee Man?
"Yes! We got a good celebrity.
Our friends gotta play with
the ShamWow guy, that sucks!"
[laughter]
And so, like, they're psyched.
They're beyond thrilled
to be playing
with "Wee Man," and I'm like,
I can't break their hearts.
I can't be the guy that's like,
"I'm actually a comedian.
"You don't know who I am,
but maybe I'll be on Comedy
Central one day."
Like, I can't--I can't do that,
so I go, "All right,
I'm gonna be Wee Man."
And God damn it, I was Wee Man
that day, all right?
I was--when we were playing,
I'm telling them stories
about the show.
This was when "Jackass" was in
its heyday.
It was in its prime, and
they're asking me questions.
I'm answering them.
I don't know the answers.
But I'm just, like,
saying stuff.
They're like, "Is Steve-O
crazy?"
I'm like, "Let me tell you a
crazy Steve-O story."
And I start--they're like,
"You guys get a lot of girls?"
I'm like, "There's STDs named
after Steve-O.
It's insane."
By the way, I'm friends with
Steve-O now,
and I've told him this story.
He loves it.
We're cool.
Side note: when I'm hanging out
with Steve-O,
it's impossible to convince
people I'm not Wee Man.
[laughter]
They're just like, "You can't
know two."
Yeah.
[laughter]
So we start playing,
and we're having a good time.
And these
guys--they're drinking.
We're--we're playing holes,
and we're donating money to
charity.
I'm getting them to donate
more.
Oftentimes in these special
tournaments,
holes will be sponsored by
certain corporations.
They're trying to raise more
money for whatever charity
you're playing for.
We pull up to a hole
that's sponsored by Hooters.
All right?
And there's
these Hooters girls.
They all got wings.
We're gonna eat.
We're gonna do all that.
And one of the Hooters girls--
now, remember,
I'm driving up in a cart that
says "Wee Man" on it, right?
I'm driving up.
We see the Hooters girls.
We're all excited.
One of the Hooters girls
jumps up,
walks towards me with
her finger pointed, and goes,
"That's not Wee Man!"
[laughter and groans]
And now everyone's like,
"What?"
[laughter]
And I'm like,
"What are you talking about?
"Of course I'm Wee Man!
"Look, I'll kick myself
in the head right now, bitch!
Like, I can do that shit.
Like..."
[laughter]
And then she goes, "No, no, no.
That's not Wee Man.
"I fucked Wee Man.
That's not Wee Man."
First of all,
kudos to this girl, okay?
She's willing to admit in front
of a group of strangers
and her coworkers,
"Oh, by the way,
I fucked a midget,"
okay, like, kudos to her.
And when that happens,
I immediately, like,
run over to her, and I kind of
grab her by the wrist,
and I pull her aside,
and I kind of explain
the situation to her.
I go, "Listen.
"I know I'm not Wee Man.
"They think I'm Wee Man.
"I'm not a--I'm just a
comedian.
"They put my name on the
thing,
"'cause 'all midgets look
alike' to these assholes,
"And then--I'm not him, but I'm
playing along
"so they donate to charity.
"They think they're gonna have
a good time.
Like, I'm just--
just play along with it."
And then, like,
I peeled off 60 bucks,
and if you're a Hooters
waitress in Temecula,
that's a lot of
fucking money to you.
And I gave her the 60 bucks,
and she's like,
"All right, cool,"
and then she goes like,
"Oh! Oh. My mistake.
That is Wee Man.
That is Wee Man, guys.
That's Wee..."
Once again, kudos to this
woman.
Not only does she say what her
sexual life is like
to these strangers.
Now she's saying, "I'm so much
of a whore,
I could fuck a midget and
forget about it."
[laughter]
So...problem solved, right?
We're all back to normal.
The guys start teeing off.
I kind of slink to the back
to talk to this girl.
I go like, "So you really...
you fucked Wee Man?"
And she's like,
"Yeah, I slept with Wee Man.
"He came into my Hooters,
and we hit it off,
"and then he said he had a
hotel room nearby,
so I went to the hotel room,
and we had our fun."
I was like, "That's awesome."
She was like, "Yeah,
he was such a nice guy.
Like, he took pictures with
all the staff and everything."
And he's like--and she's like,
"Here, I'll show you."
She pulls out her phone,
and she pulls up a picture,
and she goes,
"Yeah, there's us."
And then my mouth dropped,
'cause I'm like,
"That's my other dwarf friend
Sean."
[laughter]
[laughs]
How many people
has she told this story?
I don't know, but from that day
on, oh, God,
I love golf even more.
And that's one more dwarf joke
that I can make on the course.
I'm Brad Williams.
Thank you guys so much
for coming out tonight.
 [dark electronic music]
 - That's my man Brad Williams,
 man.
 ♪ ♪
