THANK YOU.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
SUPERTUESDAY IS FAST
APPROACHING.
IT'S A DAY WHEN SEVERAL STATES
HOLD PRIMARY ELECTIONS AND IT
WILL ALMOST CERTAINLY DECIDE THE
FATE OF DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE
BERNIE SANDERS.
AND NOW YOU'RE PROBABLY THINKING
OH, NO, NOT ANOTHER SUPERTUESDAY
WHERE I DON'T HAVE A DATE.
WELL, YOU'RE IN LUCK.
BECAUSE THERE IS A NEW WEBSITE
FOR BERNIE SUPPORTERS WHO ARE
LOOKING FOR LOVE.
RIGHT?
NO, IT'S TRUE.
IT'S CALLED BERNIE SINGLES.COM.
WE ARE NOT MAKING THIS UP.
THIS IS COMPLETELY REAL.
HONESTLY.
AND WHAT A GREAT IDEA FOR A
DATING SITE.
BECAUSE IF THERE IS ANYTHING
THAT MAKES PEOPLE HORNY, IT'S
THIS.
(LAUGHTER)
AND IN FAIRNESS, IT MAKES SENSE
THAT BERNIE WOULD HAVE A DATING
WEBSITE BECAUSE HE LOOKS JUST
LIKE THE EHARMONY GUY.
IF THAT GUY STUCK HIS FINGER IN
A LIGHT SOCK ET.
THIS IS LIKE A LOT OF DATING
WEBSITES WITH A COUPLE OF
DIFFERENCES.
ON BERNIE'S WEBSITE YOU HAVE TWO
CHOICES.
YOU CAN SWIPE LEFT OR SWIPE FAR
LEFT.
NOW AND I KNOW WHAT ARE YOU
GOING TO ASK.
AND YES, THE CLINTONS ALSO HAVE
THEIR OWN DATING WEBSITE.
IT'S CALLED ASHLEY MADISON.
(APPLAUSE)
NOW AS YOU MAY HAVE GUESSED,
BERNIE SINGLES ISN'T THE ONLY
BUSINESS TO CASH IN ON BERNIE
SANDERS HOT BAD BOY IMAGE.
BECAUSE A WOMAN IN OREGON HAS
OPENED A BUSINESS SELLING
HOMEMADE WEED PIPES WITH
BERNIE'S CAMPAIGN LOGO ON THEM.
(LAUGHTER)
I WILL SAY, WEED PIPES ARE THE
PERFECT GIFT FOR BERNIE
SUPPORTERS.
IT'S LIKE GETTING A NICE BOTTLE
OF WINE FOR A HILLARY SUPPORTER.
OR GETTING SOMEBODY WHO WANTS TO
VOTE FOR TED CRUZ A MACHINE GUN
MADE OUT OF BIBLES.
THE BERNIE BUSINESS MACHINE
DOESN'T JUST STOP WITH DRUG
PARAPHERNALIA BECAUSE TODAY A
COMPANY IN BROOKLYN HAS STARTED
PREORDERS ON THE WORLD'S VERY
FIRST BERNIE SANDERS ACTION
FIGURE.
RIGHT?
LOOK AT THAT.
IT'S TRUE.
YOU CAN BEND ALL OF THE ACTION
FIGURES ARMS AND LEGS WHICH IS
VERY DIFFERENT FROM THE ACTUAL
BERNIE SANDERS.
THE ACTION FIGURE EVEN TALKS AND
SAYS BERNIE'S SIGNATURE CATCH
PHRASE, CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU'RE
LETTING ALL THE WARE IN.
WE MADE FUN OF THIS ACTION
FIGURE.
IT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY COOL.
LIKE WHAT A FUN WAY TO TEACH
KIDS THAT IT'S OKAY TO PLAY WITH
STRANGE OLD MEN.
REGARDLESS OF WHAT HAPPENS WITH
THE ELECTION, I THINK WE CAN
SAFELY SAY THAT BERNIE IS TRULY
A MAN OF THE PEOPLE.
HE'S THE ONLY CANDIDATE WHO
UNDERSTANDS WHAT PEOPLE IN THIS
COUNTRY ARE REALLY ALL ABOUT.
FINDING LOVE, GEGHT HIGH, AND
PLAYING WITH YOURSELF.
