>> Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND
UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND
MICHAEL CHE.
♪♪♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
HEY, STOP IT.
GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
>> WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE,
I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> I'M COLIN JOST.
THIS SEASON OF "SNL" STARTED IN
2018, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S
GOING TO END UP SOMEWHERE BACK
IN THE 1970s.
I MEAN, AMID RISING TENSIONS
WITH IRAN THERE WERE RUMORS THAT
THE WHITE HOUSE IS NOW SENDING
120 THOUSAND MORE TROOPS TO THE
MIDDLE EAST BUT DON'T WORRY,
PRESIDENT TRUMP SET THE RECORD
STRAIGHT WITH THIS FIRM AND
REASSURING MESSAGE.
>> MR. PRESIDENT ARE WE GOING TO
WAR WITH IRAN?
>> I HOPE NOT.
>> YOU KNOW IT'S UP TO YOU,
RIGHT?
YOU DON'T HAVE TO OUTSOURCE THIS
DECISION TO JOHN BOLTON, THE
ISLAMOPHOBIC LORAX.
AND NOW LAWMAKERS FOR BOTH SIDES
OF THE AISLE ARE DEMANDING MORE
INFORMATION ON WHAT EXACTLY THE
IRAN THREAT EVEN IS.
SO FAR THE ONLY EVIDENCE THE
ADMINISTRATION HAS PROVIDED IS
THIS DISTURBING IMAGE.
>> CHINA RETALIATED TO PRESIDENT
TRUMP'S TARIFFS BY IMPOSING
THEIR OWN TARIFFS ON PRODUCTS
THE U.S. SELLS TO CHINA.
WHAT THE HELL DO WE SELL TO
CHINA BESIDES MARVEL MOVIES AND
CREDIT CARD DEBT?
I'VE NEVER BEEN TO CHINA BUT I
HAVE BEEN TO CHINATOWN.
AND ONE THING I CAN TELL YOU IS
THAT ANYTHING WE HAVE, THEY CAN
JUST MAKE FOR THEMSELVES.
ALL THEY GOT TO DO IS CHANGE ONE
LETTER AND SELL A BILLION ABBLE
WATCHES.
>> JARED KUSHNER AND STEPHEN
MILLER WHO BOTH HAVE RESTING
EVIL FACE, HAVE SPENT MONTHS
TOGETHER WORKING ON THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION'S NEW IMMIGRATION
PLAN.
WHAT I WOULD NOT GIVE TO BE A
FLY ON THAT WALL, WATCHING ALL
THE OTHER FLIES SWARM AROUND
THEIR MASTER.
AND IN A PLAN BACKED BY THE
TRUMP ADMINISTRATION, NASA HAS
ANNOUNCED IT WILL SEND THE FIRST
WOMAN TO THE MOON BY 2024.
UNFORTUNATELY IT'S AGAINST HER
WILL.
IT'S A PLAN THEY'RE REFERRING TO
AS LAUNCH HER UP.
>> ACTRESS ALYSSA MILANO HAS
CALLED ON WOMEN TO GO ON A SEX
STRIKE TO PROTEST RESTRICTIVE
NEW ABORTION LAWS.
LOOK, I SUPPORT THAT, BUT I JUST
DON'T THINK THESE REPUBLICAN
SENATORS ARE GETTING ALYSSA
MILANO LEVEL SEX AT HOME.
I BET IF THEIR WIVES SAID, I'M
ON A SEX STRIKE, THEY WOULD BE
LIKE, COOL, I'LL BE AT THE
AIRPORT MEN'S ROOM, DON'T WAIT
UP FOR ME.
