Ra ra ra you need to have a CG animated movie about toys written by next week ra
Oh man, how am I gonna make a movie about talking toys any good?
MUSE
I've got it
Bla blah blah. I want a cinematic Lego commercial written by tomorrow morning!
How am I going to make a giant ad for building blocks good?
MUSE
Got it!
Ba blah ba blah! I want an Angry Birds Movie written by the end of the day. SLAM!
MUSE
It's Angry Birds
Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. Who says there can't be good video game movies
Goddamn Angry Birds does
Based on the hit game from 2009 Angry Birds was a phenomenon that practically took over the world
Everybody loved its simple premise easy gameplay and quirky style
So, of course Sony leaped at the opportunity to make a film at the height of its popularity nine years later. Yeah nine years
What took them so long? Were they actually waiting for this to get nostalgic to cash in on it or hey?
Maybe they just really wanted to get it right before unleashing their cinematic opus
well judging by what we got Angry Birds probably spent as much time on its story as
Well Angry Birds
It's remarkably lazy in so many ways but apparently was still a big hit
even warranting a friggin sequel why because to quote friedrich nietzsche god is dead and you killed him.
With Angry Birds we never knew what he meant by that last part, but now we do
Despite it making a ton of cash
There are so many critics and audience members that just hated this movie ever since it was announced
I had people asking me to review it and ever since it came out
I had even more people asking me to review it sadly. It's both popular enough and bad enough to warrant attention
Let's take a look at what these bird brains came up with. This is Angry Birds the movie
So we start off this barrel of fresh ideas with the incredibly original opening of somebody running late
well
If this fresh new idea worked in Back to the Future, Green Lantern, Lilo & Stitch, Girl who Leapt through Time Big Fat Liar Buffy
The Vampire Slayer, Alice in Wonderland, Tommy Boy, The Cat Returns, Spider Man 2, Brazil, Four  Weddings and a Funeral, Gremlins, Mulan, and an anime trope
So well known there's countless images of people running late with toast in their mouths. Why not one more?
This is Red played by Jason Sudeikis who's on his way to be a clown at a birthday party
Like I said, he arrives late... or does he? I'm not late look at the time see the order said before noon
Ok. Now you're late
You missed the party. So wait they said arrive before noon it's noon and the party's over
Let me look at the script
Oh wait, I'm sorry. These are the studio notes
I tried to keep my body between the ground and the box, but well
I think I got a little bruised see anything back there
Hmm don't know which one of these to go with
Why not both?
Red finally loses his temper and smashes the cake into the parents face gluten-free cake. What the heck  is gluten?
I mean does gluten even exist?
What? But he slips on a squirrel destroying the egg behind him? Congratulations?
It's a boy
Um, did we just witness a murder? What's his clown name? Pigeonwise?
As the credits roll we see Red has some anger issues as it confusingly cuts back and forth between him being a child and him
Being an adult with literally no segue or reason. I didn't even notice it the first time
I know that doesn't sound like much but it's not like it's showing him growing up establishing who he is it just kind of
Randomly cuts to him as a kid. We just cut to him as an adult then a kid then an adult then him being born
What the hell's the flow of conciousness here?
In fact, the whole intro seems out of sequence
It says the title then it says the studios present then it cuts two random points in his life in no particular order
Like I said ending with him being born and then it cuts back to him with the family
He visited absolutely none of it ties together
It's literally random scenes in random order. It makes no sense. And that was my review of Angry Birds
Oh, I'm sorry
Did my sloppy half-ass editing confuse you?
Well, if someone can make 352 million dollars off of it, I might as well exploit it while skipping the tough parts too
The parents take red to trial because he was the first thing their child saw being hatched
Oh, by the way
You want to hear the weak-ass reason why they use slingshots in this movie instead of just flying why don't birds fly
I'm gonna tell you why where else would we ever want to go?
Not a good joke
One of the many lines I don't think was in the script and was just the actors talking without knowing the microphone was on
This terrifying star of your nightmares tonight is a judge that sentences red to anger management, but red reveals
The judge is just two birds to make him seem taller
What does this have to do with anything going on even with the judge ignoring that reveal? Mr. Red given the severity of the crimes
Look! The mime talked! Oh my god
We set him up for about two seconds So this punchline really pays off
Hey compared to the time they put in for the other jokes. Two seconds is long
Anger management class. pluck my life. He means the f-word kids
Nope oh
I just let that pause because I know you're laughing so hard at the idea of a bird not giving another bird a hug
What you're not laughing at that? Well, you should it's
Repeated all throughout the movie. I don't even think I really understood it the first time but the movie is tiny
It's funny over and over so I should leave the appropriate amount of space for laughter
Is it too late to get that creepy girl from hereditary in this?
It's been a while since something unfunny happened actually. No it hasn't but here's another one anyway
He's attacking a sign he doesn't like I
Guess this could be humorous if anybody acted like they cared about anything
That's probably the biggest problem. I get throughout this entire film. Look at this slapstick, there's energy but no creativity to it
Look at these expressions, they're big but nothing clever is being done with them heron
Pigeon even the performances particularly from our lead all sound like they just took the first take and never asked for another it sounds
Unbelievably like autopilot. Okay, I guess that's art that's
garbage and
that's
exotic
Everybody feels like they're just doing the bare minimum
Sometimes not even that Maya Rudolf plays the same smiling weirdo. She always does Josh GAD plays the same hyper dummy
He always does and I don't really remember what character Danny McBride
Usually has which is fitting because I don't really remember what character he's supposed to have here either. I guess he just blows
What are you doing down there? exactly what you think I'm doing down here
Believe it or not
There is an actual funny moment when they reveal why everybody is there at anger management and one of them is so bad
They can't even say it out loud
Tarrance seems to have had an
incident
We never find out what he did. It's left entirely to the imagination
And what makes this even funnier Sean Penn plays this part and what makes this even funnier is he never says a word?
He just groans
How the hell did we get a joke that works on three different levels
In a movie where the jokes don't even work on one level. Was there just a day
where really good writers were brought in for like two seconds
Okay, you're the finest writers in Hollywood. We need some really good jokes for our movie
Oh, we already wrote one while you were talking. Oh, I guess that's why you're the best in town
What is this movie called by the way Angry Bird? You're already gone, aren't you? Yeah
Well, at least we got one joke out of it. Mmm back to our usual writer
It's a pleasure watching you work . Gonna need some Mexican food to do the sequel
Tell us your story Bomb. Well, sometimes when I get upset I literally blow up
Okay, I explode like a bomb
Yeah, remember that level in Angry Birds where they just sat around and did therapy
They were trying new ideas. Like what Mario did in fact that might actually be a Mario game
Do it!
No can do I just went boom-boom before class. poop!
The other birds want to hang out with red, but he gives them the cold shoulder. Um
Busy, too. You're not good at this buddy. It's charming up to a point and now it's just sad again
I'm pretty sure he was just talking about the script
Let's do that. Incredible hug joke again
No means no
You know, there's running jokes and then there's yeah I'm definitely gonna be there for the marathon yeah, I'm definitely gonna train so hard
Yeah, I'm definitely gonna show my support. Yeah, I'm definitely gonna be there. Eh, I'll just donate to the cause
jokes
Give him credit at least this random cut to his childhood includes bad exposition
When's Mighty Eagle gonna come back? Didn't your parents ever tell you Mighty Eagle isn't real? He doesn't have parents
They were killed in the great Disney genocide of dramatic convenience
But troubles on the literal horizon as a ship full of pigs arrives destroying Reds house
Well more damages the side of it because destroying the whole thing would be funnier and Lord knows we can't have that in the movie
Greetings. we saw your Island across the sea and we thought
Wonder what they're up to these things look like the minions banged whatever animal died to give us green eggs and ham
Except we had the luxury of that meat being dead
There's no other place besides here. We call it
Piggie island. Oh my god
You know this movie would be half the length if they didn't keep repeating the same goddamn jokes
What did you run out of the bad hugging jokes? Uh, no, you still slipped in that gem again. Oh that relatable
Nobody wants to hug me humor. In the industry we call that the Iggy Pop
The birds welcome the pigs but red doesn't trust them because they destroyed his house at least
That's how it's supposed to come across but obviously it sounds more like he has some deep-seated racism with other cultures
They don't have feather
Our king sends his warmest regards. King? out of the friendship between the pigs and the birds start. who cares
Hey look! They destroy more of the stuff we worked hard to build. Hey if you got the night off
Why don't you fix my house? Well their religion better not be different from ours. Everyone knows there's just one. Gotcha, man
your friends the pigs proudly give you the
slingshot we present to you a flimsy pretext to make a game not meant to be a movie seemed like it was meant to be
A movie don't worry by the end. You'll all see this as a weapon of mass destruction
So Red sneaks into the pigs boat and finds?
little green men from Toy Story
OOOOH!
By the way, why do I get the feeling this book on the pigs boat is just a variation of this I
Snuck on to their boat. He confronts the pigs about their being even more of them as well as the strange devices
He doesn't recognize any questions
Nobody needs that in their lives
(whispers) Nobody needs that in their lives
My cousins are simple folk watch ABC
Nothing see nothing
Wow that was amazing. Amazing you could literally put anything there and it would have gotten the laugh but you decided to go with nothing so you get nothing
Literally any joke could have worked there watch ABC
Thor
ABC cabbage
ABC John Cena!
Okay, maybe not anything
The leader says his cousins weren't smart
So he wanted to be sure it was a safe place before he revealed them the birds believed him and everybody
Celebrates with not the worst Pig jokes ever written but what the hell am I  comparing it to yeah
These are the worst pick jokes ever written. It was Pig Latin. piggyback rides. Instaham!
Somebody needs to be punished and with sharp things
Speaking of pig puns. I think I can come up with a few more after this disturbingly confusing subtext
That's how our children are born you guys don't lay eggs? I wish we did
Enchante!
Yeah, how about piga file bigger ass better ham bacon generate hog deviant Stein offender
I could think of more but I don't want to think of this in general. The pigs are actually intending to eat them
Shame on you!
But nobody seems to catch on to that except for red who everybody continues to mock.Continue the tour!
That went well if you're me
Dummy
Whoa, I mean, wow, I couldn't write a line like that. I mean that's ingenious. How long did it  take them to put that together
Look  that's like the greatest insult since much other bucks. You fart Ghost of Don Rickles. I think we found your replacement
So Red gets an idea to find Mighty Eagle so he can stop the pigs evil plan
Right before a confusing out-of-nowhere fantasy. The other birds have about him
Mighty Eagle!
Peek a boo!
Josh GAD I never thought I'd say this, but you're really getting typecast as kids films characters who need to come out of the closet
while climbing mountains imagining what the Eagles battlecry is
Like they thankfully cast aside the obnoxious annoying writing and just dive directly into obnoxious annoying sounds
What would a Mighty Eagle battle cry sound like?
Why torture your intellect when mere ear bleeding is more than enough
You paid  to see this folks could have used that money to buy a collection of barn animals barking themselves to death
But instead you went for this to their credit both of these sound very similar, but there's some joy to this
They get to where the Eagle lives and they decide to swim in his pool
and again
we partake in a
fascinatingly botched joke. two of them take a long time swimming in the pool in slo-mo only to have the Eagle come out and
Take his daily piss on it
Okay, so bad enough they hold uncomfortably long on this piss taking only geniuses steal from norm of the north
But if this joke was gonna work and that's a big goddamn if they should have shown them in the pool while he was pissing
And red tries to warn them about what's going on. Then the slow-mo would make sense
We would want it to go slower to soak up. So to speak the humor of the situation
Here, it's just slow-mo for no reason dragging out what isn't set up properly yet again every joke seems weirdly
Backwards I keep expecting to see one of them in a flower shop saying, that's me
But that couldn't happen because that film actually made me laugh the Eagle voice by Peter Dinklage spots the birds and chats with them
You have passed the first test!
You have drank my piss
It's a weird test
So they go inside his cave and find a warped mirror. Hey, hey, they look like the game
That'd be funny if they didn't already do that. Throw that in the pile of other shitty repeated jokes
But if repetition to the point of self-decapitation is your game. Don't worry they give themselves a dance party
The fourth one in this movie so far
Yeah, you know how most animated films nowadays end with a dance party to sell a soundtrack?
They made a whole goddamn movie about it. Okay?
Okay, maybe I'm jumping the gun just because you have 4 dance party sequences in your movie doesn't necessarily mean it's lame or manipulative
Five on the other hand. Oh, yeah right after they find out the Eagles too. Lazy to help him
They go back to interrupt another dance party going on
The 5th Freakin one!
I don't think "Dirty Dancing" had this much dancing in it and I ironically feel as dirty watching it
So the pigs take all the eggs while distracting them with their fifth dance party and sail back to their Island
So Red, through shitty writing and unfunny jokes I mean why break the norm here tries to inspire everybody to go after him
They stole our kids. I mean, who does that have you ever stolen anyone's children? Have you?
I mean you look like you would you know, this running gags already not funny
Don't maybe think about seeing him on To Catch a Predator
So they build a ship to chase after the pigs who are back on their Island celebrating
Snouts up!
Man, it's a snout staircase! Who thinks of that?
Nobody because it's not clever or funny or worth mentioning. Did anybody turn in a second draft?
The birds get to the island and try to figure out a way to attack and you can all guess where this is going. Oh
Jesus that'd be awesome now, they start launching themselves like in the game
Funny. they took a long time establishing the bomb bird's ability to blow up and even create a character arc for him
But the first time we find out about this birds weird power is... well how about that. My teacher can shoot fireballs out of her butt
How'd that song go from the Rankin/Bass version of Return of the King it's so easy not to try
How did that not make it on to the soundtrack
Well, I guess it's a little less obvious than hog topic let's just agree though everybody's in pain somehow
Gee, I wonder if the mimes gonna say oh my god. It's
Oh my goooood!
it's like they say.  If at first you don't succeed this isn't funny! Red, Chuck and Bomb make it into the castle where they come across
Red! Rum!
Never mind
Uh...
People that happened we let it happen. We must never let it happen again
Join me in thinking of ways of preventing that from happening in the future
Chuck rips off the Quicksilver scene from x-men that x-men would later rip off themselves themselves as they get closer to the eggs
everyone fights in a climax that is so desperate and so banking on your kids low attention span that it's
Actually hard to find a shot that is over two seconds long I shit
You not watch these scenes uncut and see if any of them. Hold on a shot for more than two seconds
My eggs!
Don't forget Chuck and Bomb!
Who?
Those guys!
Uh oh!
No
Think explosive thoughts!
The whole climax is like this folks freaking scary
Christ fast editing is fine, but you need a variety to care look at two towers
It had fast editing but it also knew to give sweeping shots
And moments focusing on characters taking in what's going on?
Because they like you audience and they want to give you something good
this clearly just wants to wave its keys at the low attention span it thinks you have and wants to
Encourage you to keep I think this films actually worse than binge drinking because you lose more brain cells and vomit at a greater level
So the eagle comes in to save the eggs leaving it to Red and King Pig to fight
This is dynamite
It's so easy not to try
But he  outsmarts the pig blowing up the kingdom as everyone gets their seemingly smaller pile of eggs back Jesus
How many did they lose? That pile
Was a lot bigger before Angry Birds got dark one family seems to be missing theirs though
But red comes in with the final one, I think these belong to you. Oh, oh
We can only afford to raise two we'll have to eat one of them. Oh look he's blushing
I'm not blushing. I'm just red
That was the big cheering and laughing line
Feel like you could have put pretty much anything there. "we're corporate shills in Hollywood's playground"
I bet The Emoji Movie is looking pretty good right now
That's too much, man!
Let's see if this ever got funny
Well, it's not quite the genius of King Koopa ordering a pizza, but it still disappoints
Red makes it look like he still doesn't want to hang out with Chuck and Bomb but tells them he was just kidding guys
I'm just messing with you get in here. I can't end this movie without sharing the blame with others
Jeez, with all the dance party sequences I'm surprised it didn't end on one...ah! here we go
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face
Oh, trust me I Will Survive is the perfect musical choice for this film this was
unbearable
It it doesn't even feel done. A lot of bad comedies just tell jokes that don't work
This just tells sentences that don't work
It's hard to remember in recent memory a film this lazily written lazily acted and lazily
Directed nothing feels unique. Nothing feels passionate nothing feels earned
It comes across as rushed awkward and just not caring
I mean
I know every movie takes a lot of time and effort to make which is why it's a shame when a film is so bad
None of that comes across
I'm sure a lot of work and time did go into making this but it never comes across in the viewing experience
It just feels like one long incredibly unentertaining
Commercial if you want to play the games that makes sense help
Mostly you'll probably playing the game while watching this damn movie
But if you want to check out this obnoxious piece of bird shit on its own I say fly away as fast as possible
I'm the Nostalgia Critic and you know, where's a muse when you need one?
I am back from the dead to inspire once more
Oh good. I was just talking about the Angry Birds movie.
I shouldn't have remembered it so she didn't have to
Poop! Poop! Poop! Poop! Poop! Poop!
Wow about that, my teacher can shoot fireballs out of her butt
Hey Doug Walker here doing the charity shout out now. I'm not repeating the same charity
Uh, but this charity does also have a connection to Red Nose Day. It is comic relief
Both comic relief USA and their sister organization comic relief a UK share a vision of a world free from poverty
Driving positive change through the power of entertainment
They make grants to charity partners that support people living in poverty in America and in some of the poorest communities in the world
Since they first set up shop in 1985
They've been doing three main things raising millions through two big fundraising campaigns Red Nose Day in sports relief
Spending that money in the best way possible
To tackle the root causes of poverty and social injustice
And using the power of that brand to raise awareness of the issues that need the most
Attention if you look at their site in their YouTube channel
you can see all the good people as well as celebrities who have come together to raise awareness of the good you can do and
usually in the most memorable of ways check them out and see how you can donate to a cause that can bring a smile to
anyone's face
