WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU FOR THAT.
I NEED IT TONIGHT.
SOME DAYS THE NEWS IS
FRUSTRATING. 
AND BY SOME DAYS, I MEAN EVERY
DAY FOR THE LAST THREE YEARS.
BUT TODAY IS ESPECIALLY IRKSOME.
I AM FULLY IRKED.
TRUMP IS REALLY IRKING ME OFF.
SEE, IT'S BEEN A COUPLE DAYS
SINCE THE IRAN ALMOST-WAR, AND
THE WORLD'S SPHINCTER IS FINALLY
UNCLENCHING.
NOW, WITH THE PERSPECTIVE OF
TIME, WE CAN ASK, WAS ANY OF
THIS LEGAL?
THE ADMINISTRATION SAYS YES.
THE DRONE STRIKE WAS COMPLETELY
JUSTIFIED, BECAUSE THEY WERE
HEADING OFF AN IMMINENT ATTACK.
MIGHT BE TRUE.
BUT, SO FAR, TRUMP HASN'T
PROVIDED ANY EVIDENCE OF THAT,
OR TOLD ANYONE WHAT THE ATTACK
WOULD HAVE BEEN.
YESTERDAY, TRUMP ADMINISTRATION
OFFICIALS DELIVERED A CLASSIFIED
BRIEFING TO MEMBERS OF CONGRESS.
AND NOT EVERYBODY GAVE IT A
RAVE.
SOME GAVE IT A RANT, LIKE UTAH
REPUBLICAN SENATOR AND MAN
DEFINITELY NOT SNAPPING ON THE
BEAT, MIKE LEE.
LEE DESCRIBED THE MEETING WHERE
THE ADMINISTRATION WAS SUPPOSED
TO EXPLAIN THE JUSTIFICATION FOR
THE ATTACK THIS WAY:
>> PROBABLY THE WORST BRIEFING
I'VE SEEN, AT LEAST ON A
MILITARY ISSUE, IN THE NINE
YEARS I'VE SERVED ON THE UNITED
STATES SENATE.
THEY KEPT TELLING US THAT THERE
WOULD HAVE BEEN AN IMMINENT
ATTACK HAD THEY NOT TAKEN THIS
STRIKE ON FRIDAY.
BUT THEN WHEN WE WOULD ASK THEM,
"WHAT WAS THE NATURE OF THAT
ATTACK?
WHEN AND WHERE WOULD THAT HAVE
BEEN OCCURRED?
BY WHOM WOULD IT HAVE
BEEN CARRIED IT OUT?," THEY
REFUSED TO ANSWER THE QUESTION.
>> STEPHEN: AND THAT'S THE ONLY
REASON FOR THE MEETING.
THAT'S LIKE A DOCTOR SAYING, "WE
HAVE THE RESULTS OF YOUR M.R.I.,
BUT I REFUSE TO SHOW THEM TO
YOU.
SO WHAT DO YOU WANT TO TALK
ABOUT?
HEY, HAVE YOU FINISHED BINGING
"THE WITCHER" ON NETFLIX YET?
I'D GET TO THAT IN THE NEXT
COUPLE OF WEEKS, IF I WERE YOU."
( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF )
NOT ONLY ARE THEY NOT PROVIDING
ANY INFORMATION TO CONGRESS,
BRIEFERS WERE EVEN SHUSHING
LAWMAKERS WHO ASKED TOUGH
QUESTIONS.
OKAY, THAT ONE'S FINE.
REMEMBER WHAT JAMES MADISON SAID
TO JOHN ADAMS AT THE
CONSTITUTIONAL CONVENTION ABOUT
THE SEPARATION OF POWERS:
"SHUT YOUR DIRTY LITTLE MOUTH!"
( LAUGHTER )
SENATOR LEE, WHO AGAIN, IS A
REPUBLICAN, SAYS THE CENSORSHIP
WENT EVEN FURTHER THAN THAT:
>> WHAT I FOUND SO DISTRESSING
ABOUT THAT BRIEFING WAS THAT ONE
OF THE MESSAGES WE RECEIVED FROM
THE BRIEFERS WAS "DO NOT DEBATE,
DO NOT DISCUSS THE ISSUE OF
FURTHER MILITARY INTERVENTION
AGAINST IRAN, AND THAT IF YOU
DO, YOU'LL BE EMBOLDENING IRAN."
>> STEPHEN: OF COURSE, IRAN
WANTS NOTHING MORE THAN FORCING
THE GREAT SATAN TO HAVE A
FUNCTIONING DEMOCRACY.
DON'T FORGET THEIR RALLYING CRY,
"REASONED DEBATE TO AMERICA!"
LEE SAYS THAT NOT ONLY WAS THE
BRIEFING HORRIBLE, THE PORTIONS
WERE SO SMALL:
>> THEY HAD TO LEAVE AFTER 75
MINUTES.
>> STEPHEN: 75 MINUTES IS
SHORTER THAN THE OPENING CREDITS
OF "THE IRISHMAN!"
LEE WRAPPED UP HIS CRITICISM OF
THE BRIEFING BY TELLING US HOW
HE REALLY FELT.
>> I FIND THIS INSULTING.
AND DEMEANING.
NOT PERSONALLY, BUT TO THE
OFFICE THAT EACH OF THE 100
SENATORS IN THIS BUILDING
HAPPENS TO HOLD.
I FIND IT INSULTING, AND I FIND
IT DEMEANING TO THE CONSTITUTION
OF THE UNITED STATES.
>> STEPHEN: DAMN RIGHT, MIKE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YES!
YOU MAY BE REPUBLICAN, BUT YES!
OH, HELL, YES!
SENATOR,
I'M GOING TO RUIN YOUR POLITICAL
CAREER BY AGREEING WITH YOU.
( LAUGHTER )
HE'S ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!
HE'S ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!
THIS IS INSULTING.
( PIANO RIFF )
THIS IS INSULTING.
NOT JUST TO CONGRESS-- TO THE
AMERICAN PEOPLE.
HAS EVERYONE ALREADY FORGOTTEN
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE DON'T ASK
FOR CONCRETE EVIDENCE JUSTIFYING
A MILITARY ATTACK AGAINST A
MIDDLE EASTERN COUNTRY WHOSE
NAME BEGINS WITH "IRA"?
( LAUGHTER )
OBVIOUSLY, WE KNOW WHAT THAT WAS
LAST TIME:
>> OBVIOUSLY, THE WAR IN IRAQ
WAS A BIG, FAT MISTAKE.
( LAUGHTER )
>> STEPHEN: THANK YOU, MORE
RECENT MISTAKE.
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF )
HERE'S THE DIFFERENCE -- HERE IT
IS!
>> Jon: COME ON, NOW!
>> Stephen: LISTEN UP!
HERE'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
2003 AND NOW-- I WEIGH 30 POUNDS
MORE.
( LAUGHTER )
HERE'S ANOTHER ONE -- HERE'S
ANOTHER ONE --
BACK THEN, GEORGE W. BUSH
RESPECTED US ENOUGH TO PUT SOME
EFFORT INTO HIS LIES.
REMEMBER?
(AS BUSH)
"SADDAM HUSSEIN HAS MOBILE
WEAPONS LABS THAT RIDE THE RAILS
MADE OF ALUMINUM TUBES THAT CAN
DELIVER 50,000 BARRELS OF HONEY
MUSTARD GAS HIDDEN ON A TURKEY
FARM.
SADDAM WILL ATTACK US WITH
HUMAN-ANIMAL HYBRIDS."
( LAUGHTER )
THEY EVEN SENT COLIN POWELL TO
THE U.N. TO SHAKE HIS COCAINE
VIAL FULL OF SWEET 'N' LOW, AND
CLAIM IF HE OPENED IT, IT WOULD
KILL EVERYONE FROM HERE TO
WESTCHESTER.
( LAUGHTER )
AND HE'D LOVE TO SHOW US THE
EVIDENCE, BUT THAT WOULD RUIN
EVERYTHING.
WE JUST HAD TO TRUST THEM AND
THEIR BUDDY CURVEBALL.
WELL, 17 YEARS LATER, HERE WE
ARE AGAIN.
WORST THROWBACK THURSDAY EVER.
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND HERE'S ANOTHER DIFFERENCE.
HERE'S ANOTHER DIFFERENCE.
TRUMP DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A COLIN
POWELL.
THEY DON'T HAVE SOMEONE WITH A
REPUTATION WORTH FLUSHING DOWN
THE TOILET.
THE BEST THEY CAN SCRAPE
TOGETHER IS THE MIKE PENCE
EXPERIENCE:
>> WE HAVE TO PROTECT SOURCES
AND METHODS, AND SO THERE'S ONLY
A CERTAIN AMOUNT THAT WE CAN
SHARE WITH EVERY MEMBER OF
CONGRESS, BUT THOSE OF US WHO
HAVE SEEN ALL THE EVIDENCE KNOW
THAT THERE IS A COMPELLING CASE
OF AN IMMINENT THREAT.
>> STEPHEN: GET THAT?
PENCE HAS SEEN ALL THE EVIDENCE.
BUT YOU WON'T EVER SEE IT,
BECAUSE IT GOES TO ANOTHER
SCHOOL, IN CANADA.
AND IT IS SUPER HOT.
( LAUGHTER )
AND HE TOTALLY GOT TO THIRD BASE
WITH IT, WHICH FOR MIKE PENCE,
IS "SHARE FROYO."
( LAUGHTER )
I SAY, BEFORE WE GIVE THE
PRESIDENT THE AUTHORITY TO
ATTACK ANOTHER MIDDLE EASTERN
COUNTRY, WE MUST DEMAND BETTER
LIES.
WE DESERVE THEM!
THIS IS AMERICA, HOME OF THE
WHOPPER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OUR TAXES, YOUR TAXES, MY TAXES,
OUR TAXES PAY FOR ALL THESE
LIES!
PUT SOME EFFORT INTO IT!
DAZZLE AND DECEIVE US!
SELL IT WITH SOME SIZZLE!
SCARE THE (  BLEEP  ) OUT OF US!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT JUST TRY!
BUT ONE SENATOR WAS DEEPLY
GRATEFUL FOR ALL THE NOTHING
THEY GOT-- SOUTH CAROLINA
SENATOR AND FROG WHO GOT KISSED
AND TURNED INTO LINDSAY GRAHAM
--
( LAUGHTER )
-- LINDSEY GRAHAM.
HE WAS ASKED ABOUT WHETHER
CONGRESS SHOULD EVER GET TO
LEARN ANYTHING ABOUT THE
JUSTIFICATION FOR THIS ATTACK
FROM THE PRESIDENT:
>> DOES THE ADMINISTRATION NOT
HAVE A DUTY TO DISCLOSE SOME OF
WHAT THEY KNOW SPECIFICALLY WHEN
THEY COME TO CONGRESS?
>> THE WAY WE FOUND THIS OUT,
WE'LL NEVER TELL ANYBODY, IT WAS
MAGICAL, AND WE WON'T COMPROMISE
IT.
>> STEPHEN: YES, IT WAS MAGICAL.
(MAGIC MUSIC)
WOULD YOUREICH A JUSTIFICATION?
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
PICK A JUSTIFICATION, ANY
JUSTIFICATION.
ALL RIGHT, DON'T LOOK AT IT.
NOW, PUT IT BACK INTO THE DECK.
BRIEFING OVER!"
( LAUGHTER )
