-Thank you.
Thank you, everybody.
That's very nice.
Ah, all right.
So, my last name is Bargatze.
I know nothing about
the history of my family.
I've never, like,
really looked into it.
So I asked a great-uncle,
told me pretty wild story.
We had a guy in our family
that got --
He got killed, got murdered,
actually, by a sickle.
Like the thing
the Grim Reaper carries?
And this is like the 1800s, too,
just so you don't
have to feel --
it's not a recent story.
We're over it as a family.
[ Laughter ]
So the guy --
It was his own fault, too.
The guy's nickname,
they called him "Two Thumbs."
Two Thumbs Bargatze.
And the reason
they called him that
was because he had two thumbs
on one hand
but still had the other thumb.
So not even a good nickname.
[ Laughter ]
I'm Two Thumbs Bargatze.
Everybody but him
is Two Thumbs Bargatze.
He's the only not two thumbs
we've ever had
in the history of our family.
So I can tell you
he was a troublemaker.
Two Thumbs, he was hooking up
with this guy's wife.
So he's at her house,
he leaves,
the neighbor sees him.
He gives him two thumbs,
one hand up, you know.
And the neighbor
is like, "All right."
[ Laughter ]
The husband gets home.
The neighbor was like,
"Hey, your wife's cheating
on you with this dude."
And he was like,
"Who's the guy?"
And he was like,
"I don't know his name,
but he had two thumbs
on one hand, if that helps."
[ Laughter ]
And, you know, the guy was like,
"That helps a lot."
[ Laughter and applause ]
"I mean, I didn't know you were
gonna be that specific.
So I know exactly who it is."
So Two Thumbs was at home --
This is all what I was told.
He was at home,
he was gardening,
he was extra good at gardening,
and he's sitting there.
He's gardening,
and the sickle's there,
and then he kills him with it.
And that's it.
That's basically it.
But here's the lesson.
All right, guys?
The lesson is if you're doing
something shady,
that's not the time
to stand out, you know?
[ Laughter ]
Like don't --
You don't want to
be different then.
Put your dumb hand
in your pocket.
[ Laughter ]
I mean, if I had three legs
and was gonna rob a bank,
I'm gonna be
the getaway driver.
I'm not gonna gallop in
the bank with all three legs.
[ Applause ]
Just blend in.
That's the real message.
Just don't stand out.
Just blend in.
Sometimes you can't help it,
though.
I've had it where,
I had it recent--
I was getting coffee,
and I like iced coffee
with milk.
Nothing crazy.
And I went to order it.
You know when you order
something
and the guy looks at you weird?
And you're like,
"I'm pretty sure
he doesn't know
what I just said."
But you're both
touching the credit card
so you're just too far into it.
And you're like,
"All right, let's see
what he thinks he heard."
[ Laughter ]
And I go to the end of
the counter to get my drink
and he gives me
milk with ice in it.
[ Laughter ]
I had to ask him, I was like,
"What is that?"
He's like,
"It's milk with ice in it."
[ Laughter ]
And I was like, "Do I look like
a psycho to you, dude?"
[ Laughter ]
I've never drank milk publicly
in the history of my life.
I've never once in my life
been in public and thought,
"You know what I could go for
right now?
I'd like a cup of milk.
I'd like a cup of milk.
I'd like to drink it
out of a clear cup
so other adults know exactly
what I'm drinking."
[ Laughter and applause ]
"I was also wondering if
you could put a straw in it.
Something I haven't done
in maybe 35 years.
And I thought we should
do that again right now.
And I was wondering if you could
put milk in it and ice
and then, you know,
that's something that
I don't even know
if you're allowed to do.
But I would like to try that now
in front of all these people
that I've never met before."
[ Laughter ]
The bad part about this
is it's happened twice.
[ Laughter ]
All right?
And, you know, the first time,
that's a lot.
That's a lot for it to happen.
And the second time,
you start looking at yourself.
You start thinking like,
"I don't know if
I know how to order.
I'm not ordering correctly,"
you know?
I thought it was gonna happen
a third time.
There was a third time.
And she put the drink down.
I was like,
"This is unbelievable."
I was like,
"They're against me."
And -- but she just put
too much milk into it.
And she told me that.
It was a very honest moment.
She, like, set it down.
We're both looking at it.
And she just is like, "Feels
like a lot of milk, doesn't it?"
And I was like --
Just looked at it.
And I -- you know, was like,
"Not as much as usual, but it
does still feel like a lot."
All right,
thank you guys so much.
