- What the [beep] is up with that?
You think I look like a
[beep] Tiger King extra?
[beep]
Hi, I'm Tom Segura,
and I'm going undercover on the Internet.
It's Actually Me.
[slow music]
[keyboard clacking]
Seriously, it's actually me.
First up, Instagram.
Myheadgetsloud writes,
"Damn, really?
"You and Bert Kresicher dropping
this close to each other?
"What is this, the end of the world?"
Usually I read that type
of comment with a chuckle,
but if you're not aware, it is
quite accurate at the moment.
So yes, the world is ending.
All right, next up, something_clever
on Instagram writes,
"Did you have your
eyebrows done for this?"
[sighs] Dammit.
No, I did not, but yes,
the makeup artists went crazy on my face.
Thanks for reminding me.
Posted!
Next, arincougarmellenpalmer...
[laughs] Okay.
"But why's your shirt still on?"
Oh, this is in reference to my friend Bert
who doesn't wear clothing
during his specials.
I have a different approach.
It involves, you know, the joke telling.
Next, robislord writes,
"Is this a Mary Kay ad?"
Oh, hahahahahahaha, [beep] you, Rob.
Next, jeune_cuillere writes,
"Is that an Ewok?"
No, that is a photo of
my adorable dog, Bitsy.
She is a Brussels Griffon and
she does look like an Ewok,
but I just want to set the record straight
that she is a proud Brussels.
Boom.
Twitter.
"Why the F does Tom Segura have
"a better thigh gap than me in Ball Hog?"
Well, that is an interesting
question, and they are called
front squats.
[whistles]
Moving on.
"Tom Segura's new
special, great, but like,
"how much time did it take
for him to perfectly line up
"the bottom of his shirt with his jacket
"and keep it that way
for the whole special?
"Did he use glue?
"Please explain."
No, I did not, but I do credit
Seth Chernoff: stylist,
wardrobe, extraordinaire.
He made it so that those
things fit perfectly
by taking them to a tailor.
[whistles]
You know, like a tailor hems your pants?
They'll do it to a shirt too.
Next up, Nice Twits wrote,
"Hey Tooom!
"How high should I get
before I watch Ball Hog?"
I would suggest getting
extraordinarily high the first viewing,
and then watch it sober,
and then compare how you feel with
each of those experiences.
[whistles]
Next, Sage Brown writes,
"Which Ferrari does the
water champ drive now?"
Sadly, Sage, I don't have a Ferrari.
[pouts]
Hope I get a few more specials, though,
and then I can get one.
[whistles]
Next, Haru, whose handle
is @Tisconi, writes,
"I'm thinking about shaving
my head because I'm balding,
"and wanted to know how often
"you have to trim to keep it manageable.
"Also, will I have to apply foundation
"up onto my scalp, or should I just stop
"at the top of my forehead like usual?"
It really starts to grow
quickly once you trim it down,
so I would buzz your head once a week
and apply foundation however you choose.
There are no rules anymore.
[whistles]
Next,
BasuraAndy writes in all caps,
"Tom Segura has a podcast in Spanish?"
[speaks in Spanish]
[whistles]
That's it for Twitter.
YouTube.
[keyboard clacking]
Next, we go to YouTube.
YouTube, on the sketch, or the video
My Mom Hates My Comedy Sketch,
Silky Johnson writes,
"Was that Top Dog in the background?
"Little known fact: when the
Marines landed in Danang,
"they only sent one man - Top Dog."
Man, he would love that.
That was him in the
background, that is my father,
retired Marine Corps
Captain Thomas N. Segura,
and he is one bad mother [beep].
Top Dog is my dad.
He is a proud Marine.
Sometimes I'll say,
"Oh, you know how you're a former Marine?"
And he goes,
"There's no such thing as a former Marine.
"You're a Marine."
I love my dad very much,
and he loves the Marines
[chuckles] for sure.
Looks like we have a comment here
from Joe Rogan Experience episode 1447.
The comment is,
"Tom looks like he came from
the Tiger King special."
That is super insulting.
I understand what some of these
Oklahoma hillbillies look
like 'cause I watched it too,
and I don't look anything like that.
[beep] you.
What the [beep] is up with that?
You think I look like a
[beep] Tiger King extra?
This is a comment left on
episode 22 of 2 Bears 1 Cave.
[laughs] This is good.
Psychonaut commented,
"Will someone tell me why people in LA
"are always wearing hoodies?
"Sorry, I'm a POS from Nebraska.
"Thanks."
I don't know if you know this.
Hoodies are quite comfortable.
Also, we are in a studio
that is often 60 degrees.
How can you have anything against hoodies?
Honestly.
I don't know why you're opposed to them,
but you need to rethink everything
in your life right now.
Reply.
[laughs]
All right, this is on the
Tom Segura Ball Hog trailer on Netflix.
QBM writes,
"Why does everyone care
so much about his lips?"
That is a great question.
There was something that happened,
I did get too much makeup,
and they released a trailer, Netflix did,
that was color-corrected incorrectly,
so I looked like I was a geisha,
with a really white face and red lips.
And then they took it down
and they recolored it.
People know about that,
they've been making comments
about lips, etc., etc.
Well, sir, you are a decent person
because there is no reason
to comment about the lips
because they were fixed and
all those people are dicks.
There you go.
Now we go to IMDb.
[keyboard clacking]
So we're on IMDb, and it says
personal details, 5' 11 1/2".
I take real issue with this.
As far as I know, I am 5' 11 8/10".
I like to round up.
If somebody says,
"How tall are you?"
I'm going for an even six.
If you have a problem with
that, I have a problem with you.
Reddit.
[keyboard clacking]
On Reddit,
"Did anyone else see Tom
at the Overwatch 2 reveal?"
I gotta tell you something,
as far as I'm concerned,
and with my eyes right now, that is me.
I had a great time at
the Overwatch 2 reveal.
Quora.
[keyboard clacking]
"How does Tom Segura make money?"
Tom makes money doing standup and podcasts
and writing and sometimes acting,
though not as often as
he should from acting.
"Is Tom Segura funny?"
That is entirely up to you.
"What is Tom Segura's
best stand-up special?"
They're all un-[beep]-believable.
It's hard to answer this
because they're so overwhelmingly great,
but my favorite is the
most recent: Ball Hog.
That's it.
I'm signing off of the Internet now.
I'm Tom Segura, and that was Actually Me.
