- Glad to be here,
awesome looking crowd.
It's everything I like in a
crowd, it's nice and mixed.
A lot of hots, a lot of
nots, let's talk about it.
We see each other
every now and then,
it's good to be around.
It's okay, I can say that,
I know I'm a not, you know?
I know that because years ago
I made the mistake of
signing up for Tinder
and what a confidence
killer that shit has been.
Wow, holy shit.
That app should be
called Reality Check
is what it should be called
when you download it today.
If you are not hot, get
the hell out of here,
this is not for you.
I hated the whole experience.
I signed up for that app
Fresh Out of A Relationship,
which is the worst
time to upload photos
of your fat fucking
face to the internet.
You just lie about
yourself in a bio
hoping someone will fall for it.
I was addicted to the app.
I was addicted to swiping.
Everywhere I was going, I
was just swiping and swiping.
At one point I
was just like wow,
I am looking for my soulmate
while I'm taking a shit.
The future is now, this
is true love, it's crazy.
Zero matches too,
and I was swiping
and the worst part is when
Tinder stops you from swiping.
That's the worst feeling.
That's like Tinder
saying, "hey man,
"we're fucking working
on it, alright?
"Holy shit, go for
a walk. Help us out.
"We had to fly in
specialists for this account.
"We've never had
to do that before."
I hated it.
And all the women on Tinder,
I've never met anybody
like that in my real life.
Like if I knew I was going
to be on Tinder years ago,
I would have started
rock climbing,
I would have started kayaking
or meditating on
a cliff somewhere.
That's all I see.
I've lived in
Austin for 10 years
and I have never seen a cliff
but these women are finding them
and they are meditating on
them with their dogs and shit.
It's crazy.
And my profile's nothing
to write home about either.
All my photos are
clear selfies of me
at home chilling on a bean bag,
Cheeto dust all over my face.
Bio just says "I love my dog,
I love weed, I love Cheetos,
"it is what it is, let's fuck",
that's just all I have on that
bio and again, zero matches.
I was on it for so long, I
got no matches, you know?
And at one point, I was
just lying to myself.
I was like, ah, it's probably
just a glitch with the app.
A Tinder glitch.
One night I got so lonely
I actually googled it.
I put Tinder, glitch,
I put my zip code in there,
just to fucking narrow down
the search for the computer,
help it out.
I live around a lot of trees.
There was no glitch,
but I what I found was
something even better.
I found a chat room
consisting of other men
exactly like me looking
for the same problem
that they had also made up.
There was three of us.
First guy was like, "yo, I
haven't had a match on Tinder
"in over a year, I'm
thinking there's a glitch,
"I've already emailed Tinder
HQ about a dozen times,
"they still haven't
gotten back to me.
"Thinking there's a glitch
with their email servers.
"Is anybody else
having these problems?"
And the only other guy was like,
"yeah, I've been doing research
for about three years now
"and through my
studies, I have found
"that there's something going on
"with their internet towers."
I was like, what the fuck
are internet towers, what?
What kind of research
did this guy do?
It doesn't matter, first piece
of the puzzle, let's do this.
So I joined the
group and I was like,
hey man, what are
internet towers?
By the way, I'm also
having these problems.
And he responded
with the best thing
I've ever read on the internet.
He put, "bro, that's
what IT stands for."
Is it?
I just was staring
at my computer
and I just realized I don't
know what IT stands for.
I've been using it for
decades and I've never known.
I was using it in
sentences in my head.
I was like, can we get Doug
from Internet Tower
support up here?
My computer's acting
all fucked up.
Checks out.
Silver lining to that story is,
I actually know those
two guys in my real life
and we hang out all the time
now, so that's pretty dope.
We're working on an app right
now, it's called Bro-Finder.
It's not going well, we
don't know how to make apps.
I used to have this roommate
and he used to annoy me
because he actually used
to be good at dating.
Like he'd be on the apps
and he'd always be showing up
with new women all the time.
Every time he went on a date,
I felt bad for these women
because I could tell my
roommate didn't tell them
that he had a roommate.
Because whenever they came home,
I could hear the
happiness outside the door
and whenever they'd walk in
and me and her would lock eyes,
I'd see the happiness
quickly leave her face
while I was just eating ice
cream and watching television.
Because I know what
she's thinking when
she's looking at me.
She's thinking, "oh no,
"this guy's going to
hear me having sex."
And I'm thinking, yes I am.
That's why I stayed
up this late.
I was getting fucking worried,
I was about to call the cops,
where were you guys?
Let's do this.
One time, a buddy of
mine, Carter, came over
and we hardly knew each other.
We were taking our
friendship on a test ride
and it was really early.
He came over, we got real high,
we were watching "Forrest
Gump" on a Friday night,
call it Forrest Fridays
and my roommate gets
home with his girl
and they walk awkwardly
to his bedroom,
me and Carter were
just watching "Gump"
and we hear the fuckenings
begin in the next room,
we just hear it,
it's unavoidable and
for me and Carter,
we hardly know each other
so it's very uncomfortable.
I feel very awkward
because I don't know what
kind of guy Carter is yet.
I don't know if
he's the kind of guy
that wants me to maximize
the volume on "Gump"
and we could both pretend
we're just not hearing
what we're hearing
or if he's like my other friends
and he wants to go
jack off by the door,
I don't know what
kind of guy he is yet.
I don't know anything about him.
I don't know if he's cool
yet, is what I'm saying.
Turns out he's pretty cool.
He jacked off on the door,
sweffered it right off,
right out, it was fine.
Guys, I took a ride
share to get here.
I don't even use my car no more.
Who drives, I don't know?
I have a $5 limo in
my pocket, it's crazy
but I use ride share
for another reason.
I love to creep out the
drivers, it's so much fun.
They don't know me, you know?
The only decision you've got
to make when that car pulls up
is where you're going to sit.
It set the tone for
the entire car ride
with this complete stranger.
Obviously I like to sit
right behind the driver
and stare at them non stop
through the rear view mirror
like I'm definitely
going to murder them
and I stay silent as
fuck the entire car ride.
I even bring a plastic bag
and just make crinkle noises
for effect at this point.
It's the best when they
try to talk to you.
They're like, "how you doing,
sir?" and you say nothing.
They're like, "oh my
god, what the (fuck),
"what did I get myself into?
"I just needed extra cash."
I also like to sit
in the passenger side
and ask for the auxiliary
cable to play my own music
and then I play nothing but
Nickelback the entire car ride.
I don't even play the hits,
I play deep cuts by
Nickelback nobody knows
and I just act like a real
Nickelback fan the entire time.
This is them at Coachella
'97, this is hard to find.
This is good 'Back,
this is the 'Back they
won't play on the radio.
I don't know why I'm
obsessed with Nickelback.
Chad Kroger, specifically.
Like I entered Chad
Kroger from Nickelback,
I entered his name into
my TMZ app years ago
so any time something
goes down with Chad,
I get a notification
and because of that,
I have all these useless
'Back facts in my head.
That's what I call
them, 'Back facts.
I'll share one with
you here tonight,
not that anybody wants one.
And some of you guys have
heard this, some of you haven't
but man, I was shocked.
For example, did you guys know
Chad Kroger from Nickelback,
his family owns
Kroger Food Stores?
Yeah, I was stunned, yeah.
A famous grocery chain.
They were everywhere in
Dallas, where I grew up
so my first thought when
I read that was like damn,
all those 10 for 10
Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
I was buying all those years
paid for Chad's guitar lessons.
I helped start Nickelback.
It's pretty fucked up,
part of the problem.
No, that's not true, I
made it up, but still.
Some of your faces
were like, what?
I'm glad I came to this tonight.
Tomorrow's ice breaker's on me.
His name's not even Chad
Kroger, it's Chad Kroeger.
That's how little of
a shit you guys give
about Chad Kroeger
from Nickelback.
No one disagreed.
You're like Chad Kroger, yes,
of Kroger Food Stores,
what's the joke?
Since you guys sat through that,
I'll give you a real 'Back fact,
again, not that
anybody wants one.
Did you guys know Chad
Kroeger from Nickelback,
his dad is Freddie Kruger from
"Nightmare on Elm Street"?
It's a small world, but
it makes sense, it's crazy
because that band
is a nightmare.
