I can see the flowery pink curtains
that cover the open window
I can feel the wild wind
enter the premises and promise,
to break my favourite blue lamp.
I can see the black guitar
which I always thought
was too big for my hands
I can see the large poster of Messi
that has loyally stayed stuck on my wall
since I was 15
I am standing in front of a mirror
but I cannot see my own reflection
for I do not know who I am, anymore.
Tiny braids in my long brown hair
fly out the back window of the car
I wave at the passers-by
and smile dreamily
to behave like I am in a movie
That day at age 6, I told my father
that I wanted to be an actress.
But when you are born with 3.5 kilograms
of flesh and bone instead of 2 and a half
the doctor sends you back home
with a sticker
that says 'This baby
weighs more than average'
When at life's every stage you
wage a war with the words-
'Plump', 'Chubby', and even 'Cute'
Noone has to humiliate you.
You, already know.
Noone told me that I would not become an
actress because noone knew that I wanted to.
Noone told me that I would
or would not lose any weight
because noone knew that I wanted to.
And so one night,
standing in front of the very same mirror,
with skin that screamed 'I
want to be on the big screen!'
Little, by little...
I ripped it apart
until the layer that wanted to act
fell out..
and was flushed down the drain.
I was 12 years old when I said
I wanted to change the world.
But someone told me that the world
was too large and I was too little.
When I said I was one in a million,
I was told that the world population
count goes into billions.
And I, I didn't fight
I just went and proved them right,
because that night,
I cried.
Until my second layer,
was shred into pieces.
It's funny how you can lose so many
layers and still not lose any weight.
When I wanted to sing and
dance and see the world,
I was pushed into a college that only taught you how to make money
and instead of using this opportunity to do both,
I shed.
Layer by layer, I shed it all
until I had no plans, no hopes
no dreams, no desire to collect some gold
or to grow old or to do anything at all.
I shed everything, in the
name of being a strong girl.
Even my tears, that were only
trying to tell me the truth.
Until one day opportunity
knocked on my door
It waited, and waited.
It banged loud and clear
but in all the shedding, I had no
hands left to answer its call.
I had no voice
to tell it that I had been
waiting for it all my life.
Hell! I didn't even have any ears, to
listen and to know that it was there.
The human mind is a funny place,
it will continue in a cycle
until you tell it that the
path to growth is not round
It is to be found by moving forward
By moving out of your comfort zone of 'Life has made
this difficult for me and hence I'm not going to do it.'
I have come to believe that
self-victimization is a drug.
Your mind lures you into giving up everything
and then makes you believe that you had nothing
Your constant cries of 'Why me?!'
sound like music to your brain.
But they're not. They're cries of you locked
up behind walls of how fate treated you wrong
I was locked up behind bars
of why destiny chose only me
to take through a path full
of thorns, not realizing that
the only person who held the
key to that door, was me.
Noone can hurt you as much
as you can hurt yourself.
I was never bullied, or tortured
for being a plump kid.
I was punished by me, myself.
I started excusing myself from
everything I wanted to do
by telling me that life had
made the environment hostile
That it was testing me, that
it was playing games with me,
that I was its favourite experiment.
Until I realized that victimizing
myself was like being a car
driven by someone else
with just the brakes on
Except that there is no other driver
It is just you and the road and you
can choose to keep moving forward
or to keep taking U-turns,
it is your choice.
I stand in front of the very same
mirror in search for my own reflection
I see nothing.
Because even though I've realised it I
do not want to patch the old layers back
onto my body because I want
to keep moving forward.
I stand in front of the very same mirror in
search for my own reflection, I see nothing.
Nothing to go back to,
nothing to crib about
Nothing to blame life for.
I stand in front of the very same mirror
and I search for my own reflection
I, see nothing.
Because it is not a mirror anymore
It is the only piece of shattered
glass in the world that screams
of happiness. Because it knows
that a little girl broke it
to step out of her mind's cage,
to spread her wings, and to fly.
