♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪■■■■■
>>JACK: THANK YOU, THANK YOU,
THANK YOU AND GOOD EVENING
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. AND WELL,
HERE I AM AGAIN AND I DON'T
KNOW WHETHER YOU NOTICED IT OR
NOT, BUT I'M WEARING A
DIFFERENT MAKEUP. I JUST
THOUGHT I'D TRY IT OUT, AH,
THIS IS THE SAME MAKEUP THAT
ALL OF THE ITALIAN MOVIE STARS
ARE WEARING. IT'S MAX'S FACTOR,
NUMBER 5, MIXED WITH RAVIOLI
SAUCE. IT'S VERY GOOD TOO, THE
ONLY TROUBLE WITH IT IS, THAT
IF YOU, AH, IF YOU STAY UNDER
THE HOT LIGHTS FOR OVER 15
MINUTES, YOUR FACE BEGINS TO
LOOK LIKE A PIZZA. ANYWAY, UM,
BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER, I
WOULD LIKE TO DO SOMETHING THAT
I HAVE BEEN WANTING TO DO FOR A
LONG TIME. I AM GOING TO...
AH? WHAT'S THAT, WE CAN'T?■
OH, THAT'S A SHAME, AH,
EXCUSE ME FOLKS, BUT SEE WHAT I
WANTED TO DO WAS INTRODUCE THE
MEMBERS OF MY ORCHESTRA TO YOU,
BUT, AH, UNFORTUNATELY, WE JUST
LOST VISUAL CONTACT WITH THE
LINCOLN HEIGHTS JAIL. AND, AH,
WE HAD SUCH A CUTE IDEA TOO YOU
SEE, SAMMY THE DRUMMER WAS
GOING TO PLAY "NOLA" ON THE
IRON BARS. WELL ANYWAY, WE CAN,
WE CAN DO THIS STUNT ANY TIME
WITHIN THE NEXT 90 DAYS. NOW
LET'S SEE, WHAT ELSE WAS I
GOING TO? I'M SO TIRED TONIGHT,
BUT, THERE'S NO EXCUSE, OF
COURSE, FOR MY BEING TIRED OF
COURSE, BECAUSE LAST WEEK, I
SPENT A FEW DAYS IN PALM
SPRINGS AND, AH, MY TRIP DIDN'T
TURN OUT EXACTLY THE WAY I HAD
IT PLANNED. YOU SEE, I HAD A
MOST UNUSUAL THING HAPPEN
THERE, LET ME TELL YOU WHAT IT
WAS. YOU SEE, IT, LAST MONDAY
WAS WHEN I HAD PLANNED TO TAKE
THIS LITTLE VACATION, AND I WAS
SO ANXIOUS TO GET STARTED THAT
ROCHESTER AND I WERE UP VERY
EARLY MONDAY MORNING.
♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪
>>JACK: GEE, I'M GLAD YOU WOKE
ME UP ROCHESTER, AS SOON AS I
FINISH BREAKFAST, I'M GOING TO
START PACKING AND WE'LL BE ON
OUR WAY TO PALM SPRINGS.
>>ROCHESTER: YEAH.
>>JACK: IMAGINE ME HAVING
BREAKFAST AT 8 O'CLOCK IN
THE MORNING.
>>ROCHESTER: I HAD MINE AT 6.
>>JACK: GOSH, 6 O'CLOCK IN THE
MORNING. ROCHESTER, HOW ABOUT
SOME MORE COFFEE?
>>ROCHESTER: NO THANKS, I'VE
HAD PLENTY.
>>JACK: I MEAN ME, ME!
>>ROCHESTER: OH, OH, SAY BOSS,
WHEN YOU GET TO PALM SPRINGS,
ARE YOU GOING TO DO A SHOW
FROM THERE?
>>JACK: NO, NOT THIS TIME, I'M
JUST GOING TO REST. GET IN MY
TRUNKS AND JUMP IN THE POOL,
SIT AROUND IN THE SUN AND
YOU'RE GOING TO TAKE IT EASY
TOO ROCHESTER.
>>ROCHESTER: ME?
>>JACK: YUP, EVERYDAY IT'S
WORK, WORK, WORK. AND I DON'T
KNOW, WHAT DOES IT GET US?
>>ROCHESTER: NOTHING, BUT
MONEY. I GET PLENTY OF NOTHING
AND YOU GOT PLENTY OF MONEY.
>>JACK: OH BOY, AM I LOOKING
FORWARD TO THIS TRIP.
>>ROCHESTER: BOSS, AS SOON AS
YOU FINISH YOUR COFFEE, WHY, WE
CAN GET STARTED PACKING.
>>JACK: I'VE HAD ENOUGH, I'M
GOING TO FINISH DRESSING.
>>ROCHESTER: SAY BOSS, ARE WE
TAKING POLLY WITH US?
>>JACK: NO AND I'M GLAD YOU
REMINDED ME. LOOK, NOW
ROCHESTER, NOT A WORD ABOUT OUR
TRIP TO PALM SPRINGS IN FRONT
OF POLLY. YOU KNOW HOW UPSET
THAT PARROT GETS EVERY TIME SHE
SEES US PACKING A BAG.
>>ROCHESTER: I GOT YOU.
(POLLY SQUAWKS)
>>JACK: HELLO POLLY.
>>POLLY: (SQUAWKS) HELLO,
HELLO, (SQUAWKS)
>>ROCHESTER: WELL, I BETTER GET
OUT THE BAG AND START TO.
>>POLLY: BAG! (SQUAWKS)
>>JACK: ROCHESTER!
>>ROCHESTER: I'M GOING TO GET
THE BAG AND PUT IT ON THE
VACUUM CLEANER AND, AND CLEAN
UP YOUR ROOM.
>>JACK: THAT'S RIGHT, THE BAG
ON THE VACUUM CLEANER.
>>ROCHESTER: AND WHEN, AH, THE
BAG IS FULL, WE CAN START FOR
P. A. L. M. S. P. R. I. N. G. S.
>>POLLY: (SQUAWKS) P. A. L. M.
S. P. R. I. N. G. S. VACUUM
CLEANER. (SQUAWKS)
>>JACK: THAT'S RIGHT POLLY,
THAT SPELLS VACUUM CLEANER.
>>ROCHESTER: BOSS, YOU BETTER
TAKE POLLY OUT OF HERE OR
SHE'LL SEE US PACKING.
>>JACK: OH, SHE'LL PROBABLY
THINK WE'RE JUST SENDING OUT
SOME CLOTHES TO BE PRESSED,
YOU KNOW.
>>ROCHESTER: I GUESS SO. I'M
SURE GLAD YOU'RE STAYING AT A
PLACE THAT'S CLOSE TO TOWN
THIS TIME.
>>JACK: YEAH, IT WILL
BE CONVENIENT.
>>ROCHESTER: THE LAST PLACE WE
STAYED, THAT WAS SO FAR OUT IN
THE DESERT, A COYOTE HAD TO
BRING YOUR LUGGAGE IN.
>>JACK: THAT WASN'T A COYOTE,
IT WAS LASSIE. AND IT WASN'T MY
LUGGAGE, IT WAS HERS, SHE HAD
THE ROOM NEXT TO ME.
THIS TIME, WE'RE GOING
TO LIVE IN ONE OF THE NICEST
PLACES IN P. A. L. M.
S. P. R. I. N. G. S.
>>POLLY:(SQUAWKS) P. A. L. M.
S. P. R. I. N. G. S. VACUUM
CLEANER (SQUAWKS).
>>JACK: YES, WELL, I GUESS I
GOT EVERYTHING I NEED.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
>>JACK: OH, LOOK IT, I'LL, I'LL
GO IN THE OTHER ROOM AND ANSWER
THE PHONE AND TAKE POLLY WITH
ME. MEANWHILE, YOU PUT ALL OF
THE THINGS IN THE BAG.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
>>JACK: COME ON POLLY, COME ON
WITH DADDY.
(POLLY SQUAWKING)
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
>>JACK: COME ON, COME ON POLLY.
(POLLYQUAWKING)
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
>>JACK: QUIET POLLY!
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
>>JACK: HELLO?
>>MARY: HELLO JACK, THIS
IS MARY.
>>JACK: I'LL BE OVER TO PICK
YOU UP IN 20 MINUTES.
>>MARY: WELL, THAT'S WHY I
CALLED JACK, I'VE DECIDED TO
RIDE DOWN TO PALM SPRINGS WITH
DON WILSON.
>>JACK: WHY, I THOUGHT YOU WERE
GOING WITH ME?
>>MARY: I'M NOT GOING TO RIDE
IN THAT CAR OF YOURS ANYMORE,
IT'S ABOUT TIME, YOU GOT A
NEW ONE.
>>JACK: OH FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE
MARY, I TOLD YOU A THOUSAND
TIMES, I'M GOING TO TRADE IT IN
AS SOON AS I GET A
REASONABLE OFFER.
>>MARY: FOR THAT CAR?
>>JACK: YES.
>>MARY: IF THEY OFFER YOU A
PAIR OF SHOES, TAKE IT.
>>JACK: ALL RIGHT, YOU GO WITH
DON WILSON, BUT, I'LL BE THERE
BEFORE YOU. YOU'VE HEARD THE
STORY OF "THE TORTOISE AND THE
HARE" HAVEN'T YOU?
>>MARY: NO, BUT IF IT'S CLEAN,
YOU CAN TELL IT TO ME IN
PALM SPRINGS.
>>JACK: OKAY, OKAY, I'LL SEE
YOU LATER, GOOD BYE.
>>ROCHESTER: I GOT THE BAGS ALL
PACKED, SHOULD I CLOSE THEM UP?
>>JACK: NO, I'M GOING IN FIRST
TO SEE IF YOU'VE
FORGOTTEN ANYTHING.
(POLLY SQUAWKING)
>>JACK: I'M SORRY POLLY, BUT
THIS TIME, YOU HAVE TO
STAY HERE.
(POLLY SQUAWKING SADLY)
>>JACK: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
IF YOU'RE LONESOME, DADDY WILL
TURN ON THE RADIO FOR YOU. NOW,
YOU'LL GET SOME MUSIC, THERE
YOU ARE POLLY.
(RADIO CLICKS ON)
>>RADIO: THIS MUSICAL PROGRAM
IS BEING BROUGHT TO YOU FROM
THE BLUE SKIES TRAILER VILLAGE
IN PALM SPRINGS, CALIFORNIA.
FOR INFORMATION ABOUT OUR RATES
AND FACILITIES, JUST DROP A
POSTCARD TO OUR BLUE SKIES
TRAILER VILLAGE IN PALM
SPRINGS, P. A. L. M.
S. P. R. I. N. G. S.PALM SPRINGS
>>POLLY:(SQUAWKING) P. A. L. M.
S. P. R. I. N. G. S.PALM SPRINGS
PALM SPRINGS, PALM SPRINGS!
(POLLY SCREAMING)
>>JACK: POLLY, POLLY,
CONTROL YOURSELF.
(POLLY SCREAMING)
>>POLLY: P. A. L. M.
S. P. R. I. N. G. S.
PALM SPRINGS.
>>JACK: ALL RIGHT, CALM DOWN.
(POLLY SQUAWKING)
>>JACK: I'LL TAKE YOU TO
PALM SPRINGS.
>>POLLY: PALM SPRINGS.
>>JACK: ROCHESTER I'LL PUT THE
THE BAGS IN THE CAR, YOU PUT
THE DISHES AWAY WILL YOU?
>>ROCHESTER: OH, YES SIR.
>>JACK: COME ON, COME ON,
COME ON.
♪♪ ♪♪ ♪
(RUMBLE OF CAR MOTOR)
(CAR BACK FIRES)
>>GAS ATTENDANT 1: HOW
MANY PLEASE?
>>JACK: WELL, I DON'T KNOW?
>>ROCHESTER: WE STILL GOT 73
MILES TO GO.
>>JACK: YEAH, THAT'S IF WE
STICK ON THE MAIN HIGHWAY. SAY
MISTER, IS THIS THE ONLY WAY TO
PALM SPRINGS?
>>GAS ATTENDANT 1: OH, NO, NO,
NO, THERE ARE SEVERAL WAYS. I
WOULD SUGGEST THAT FROM HERE,
YOU HEAD STRAIGHT FOR SATURN,
AH, TURN RIGHT TO MARS, MAKE A
LEFT AT JUPITER, THEN HEAD FOR
THE MOON AND THEN.
>>JACK: HEY, WAIT A MINUTE,
MARS, JUPITER, THE MOON?
>>GAS ATTENDANT 1: YEAH, AIN'T
THIS A ROCKET SHIP?
>>JACK: JUST PUT IN SOME GAS
WILL YOU?
>>GAS ATTENDANT: ETHEL
OR REGULAR?
>>JACK: REGULAR.
>>ROCHESTER: ETHEL, BETTER MAKE
IT ETHEL.
>>JACK: LOOK ROCHESTER, THE
LAST TIME WE CAME THROUGH HERE,
WE WENT PRETTY FAST, WHAT DID
WE USE THEN?
>>ROCHESTER: NOTHING, WE HAD
LOCKED BUMPERS WITH A GRAY
HOUND BUS.
>>JACK: WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?
>>GAS ATTENDANT 2: I'M SORRY, I
THOUGHT YOU HAD A WINDSHIELD.
>>JACK: WELL, I HAVEN'T.
>>GAS ATTENDANT 2: HERE, LET ME
WIPE THE BUGS OFF YOUR GLASSES.
>>JACK: NEVER MIND.
>>GAS ATTENDANT 1: WELL, HAVE
YOU MADE UP YOUR MIND WHETHER
YOU WANT REGULAR OR ETHEL?
>>JACK: REGULAR.
>>GAS ATTENDANT 1: OKAY.
>>GAS ATTENDANT 2: THE WATER
AND OIL ARE FINE.
>>JACK: WELL, ALL RIGHT, AS
LONG AS THE HOOD IS UP, CHECK
MY BATTERY.
>>GAS ATTENDANT 2: OKAY.
LOOKS OKAY TO ME.
>>GAS ATTENDANT 1: HOW MANY?
>>JACK: I'LL TELL YOU WHEN TO
STOP, AH, LET ME KNOW HOW MANY
YOU'RE PUTTING IN.
>>GAS ATTENDANT 1: OKAY.
(BELL RINGS)
>>GAS ATTENDANT 1: ONE.
(BELL RINGS)
>>GAS ATTENDANT 1: 2.
(BELL RINGS)
>>GAS ATTENDANT 1: 3.
(BELL RINGS)
>>GAS ATTENDANT 1: 10.
>>JACK: 10, WHAT HAPPENED TO
THE BELLS?
>>GAS ATTENDANT 1: WHAT DO YOU
WANT, GAS OR MUSIC?
>>JACK: AH, HOW MUCH DO I
OWE YOU?
>>GAS ATTENDANT 1: LET'S, AH,
LET'S SEE. 10 GALLONS, THAT
WILL BE 2 DOLLARS AND 80 CENTS.
>>JACK: 2.80, HERE, WAIT A
MINUTE, THERE.
>>GAS ATTENDANT 1: THANK YOU
AND THE NEXT TIME YOU PASS THIS
GAS STATION, PLEASE DO.
>>JACK: ALL RIGHT WISE GUY.
COME ON ROCHESTER, START
THE CAR.
>>ROCHESTER: YES SIR.
(MOTOR CRANKING OVER)
(CAR BACK FIRING)
>>JACK: ROCHESTER, START IT
AGAIN, WILL YOU?
>>ROCHESTER: YES SIR.
(MOTOR CRANKING OVER)
(CAR BACK FIRES)
(POLLY SQUAWKING)
>>JACK: WHAT ARE YOU STARING
AT? THIS CAR WILL GET US THERE.
YOU'VE HEARD THE STORY OF "THE
TORTOISE AND THE HARE"
HAVEN'T YOU?
>>GAS ATTENDANT: NO, BUT IF
YOU'RE GOING TO TELL IT, KEEP
YOUR VOICE DOWN, MY WIFE IS IN
THE OFFICE.
>>JACK: IT'S NOT THAT KIND OF A
STORY, COME ON ROCHESTER.
>>ROCHESTER: YES SIR.
(SQUEALING OF TIRES)
>>MAN: SAY BUD, WHICH WAY TO
PALM SPRINGS?
>>JACK: TO PALM SPRINGS, WELL,
YOU, OH, JUST FOLLOW US.
>>ROCHESTER: OH BOSS, COME NOW!
(SCREECHING OF TIRES)
>>ROCHESTER: THE REST OF THE
BAGS WILL HERE IN A MINUTE.
>>JACK: GOOD, GOOD.
>>DON: HELLO ROCHESTER.
>>ROCHESTER: HELLO MR WILSON.
>>DON: HI JACK.
>>JACK: HEY DON, HOW DID YOU
KNOW WHEN WE GOT IN?
>>DON: I SAW THE MANAGER
PARKING YOUR CAR.
>>JACK: YEAH, WHERE DID HE
PUT IT?
>>DON: IN FRONT OF ANOTHER
HOTEL, DOWN THE STREET.
>>JACK: OH WELL, AS LONG AS
IT'S HANDY.
>>DON: HEY, YOU SURE DIDN'T
WASTE ANY TIME GETTING INTO
YOUR SWIM TRUNKS.
>>JACK: NOT ME, I'M NOT GOING
TO WASTE A MINUTE OF
THIS VACATION.
>>DON: WELL, I'M GOING DOWN AND
GETTING A LITTLE SUN AND
SOMETHING TO EAT.
>>JACK: OKAY.
>>POLLY: P. A. L. M.
S. P. R. I. N. G. S. PALM
SPRINGS (SQUAWKS & WHISTLES)
>>JACK: THAT'S RIGHT POLLY,
IT'S PALM SPRINGS.
>>BELLBOY: HERE'S THE REST OF
YOUR BAGS.
>>ROCHESTER: OH, LET ME GIVE
YOU A HAND WITH THAT.
>>BELLBOY: ALL RIGHT, TAKE
THAT ONE.
>>ROCHESTER: HERE WE ARE.
>>BELLBOY: HERE'S TWO.
>>ROCHESTER: YEAH, I GOT THOSE,
I'M GOOD.
>>BELLBOY: OKAY, HERE'S ONE.
>>ROCHESTER: OKAY, THANKS.
>>JACK: BOY, HERE, HERE'S A TIP
FOR YOU.
>>BELLBOY: GEE, A DIME! NOW I
CAN HAVE A CHIROPRACTOR PUT MY
SPINE BACK IN PLACE.
>>JACK: IF YOU HAVEN'T GOT
HEALTH INSURANCE, IT'S YOUR OWN
FAULT. ROCHESTER, FINISH
UNPACKING THE BAGS AND I'M
GOING SWIMMING.
>>ROCHESTER: BUT AREN'T YOU
GOING TO WAIT FOR MS
LIVINGSTON? WHEN SHE PHONED SHE
SAID SHE'D BE HERE IN
20 MINUTES?
>>JACK: I'M NOT WAITING FOR
ANYONE. I'M GOING RIGHT IN
THAT POOL.
>>DON: THANK YOU, HEY, HEY BUD,
HOW LONG BEFORE THE POOL'S
FILLED, SO WE CAN GO SWIMMING?
>>WORKER: WE'LL HAVE IT ALL
CLEANED UP AND REFILLED
BY MORNING.
>>DON: THANKS.
>>JACK: WELL, HERE I GO
ROCHESTER, SEE YOU LATER.
>>DON: (SCREAMS) JACK!
(THUD OF HITTING BOTTOM)■■
>>JACK: WELL, DON'T JUST STAND
THERE, DO SOMETHING!
♪ ♪♪ ♪♪
(JACK MOANING & GROANING).
>>ROCHESTER: NOW, TRY TO RELAX
BOSS, THE DOCTOR SHOULD BE HERE
ANY MINUTE NOW.
>>JACK: OW!
>>POLLY: P. A. L. M.
S. P. R. I, N, G, S, PALM
SPRINGS (SQUAWKS)
>>JACK: OH, SHUT UP!
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
>>ROCHESTER: THAT MUST BE THE
DOCTOR NOW.
>>ROCHESTER: WELL!
>>MARY: HI ROCHESTER.
>>ROCHESTER: HELLO
MS LIVINGSTON.
>>MARY: JACK, INSTEAD OF GOING
SWIMMING, I THOUGHT THAT MAYBE,
WE'D, JACK!
>>JACK: OW.
>>MARY: JACK, JACK WHAT
HAPPENED TO YOU?
>>JACK: IT'S A LONG STORY,
ROCHESTER YOU TELL HER.■
>>ROCHESTER: I DON'T THINK I'M
ALLOWED TO, YOU SOLD THE RIGHTS
TO TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX.
>>MARY: WHAT?
>>ROCHESTER: YEAH AND THEY
TURNED IT DOWN, THOUGHT IT WAS
TOO FANTASTIC.
>>MARY: I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S
TALKING ABOUT. NOW, WHAT REALLY
HAPPENED JACK?
>>JACK: WELL, ALL RIGHT, I CAME
TO PALM SPRINGS TO GET THE SUN
AND GO SWIING. I DIDN'T WANT
TO LOSE WASTE A MINUTE OF IT,
SO I RAN OUT OF THE ROOM,
JUMPED OFF THE DIVING BOARD.
>>MARY: AND THERE WAS NO WATER
IN THE POOL.
>>JACK: MARY.
>>MARY: ALL RIGHT, SO I MADE UP
A JOKE, NOW TELL ME
WHAT HAPPENED?
>>JACK: YOU DIDN'T MAKE UP A
JOKE, THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT HAPPENED.
>>MARY: OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE!
>>JACK: ROCHESTER, GET ME SOME
MORE ICE CUBES WOULD YOU
FOR THIS?
>>ROCHESTER: YES SIR.
>>JACK: YOU KNOW MARY, THEY HAD
A LOT OF NERVE, I MEAN,
DRAINING THAT POOL WITHOUT
TELLING ANYONE.
>>MARY: IT'S YOUR OWN FAULT,
YOU'RE ALWAYS IN SUCH A HURRY,
THE LAST TIME WE CAME TO PALM
SPRINGS, YOU DID THE
SAME THING.
>>JACK: WELL, THAT
WAS DIFFERENT.
>>MARY: OH, THAT'S RIGHT, THIS
TIME YOU HAD YOUR TRUNKS ON.
>>JACK: MS LIVINGSTON, IF
YOU'RE TRYING TO MAKE ME LAUGH,
FORGET IT.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
>>MARY: OH, I'LL GET IT JACK.
>>DOCTOR: HOW DO YOU DO, I'M
THE HOUSE DOCTOR.
>>MARY: OH YES DOCTOR, COME ON
IN, JACK, IT'S THE DOCTOR.
>>JACK: IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU GOT
HERE, WE CALLED YOU 2
HOURS AGO.
>>DOCTOR: YEAH, I KNOW, BUT I
DIDN'T HAVE MY LICENSE THEN.
>>JACK: WHAT KIND OF A DOCTOR
ARE YOU?
>>DOCTOR: I'M A M.D. AND
A CHIROPRACTOR.
>>JACK: WELL, BEFORE YOU WORK
ON ME, I WANT TO KNOW YOUR
RATES. ARE YOU EXPENSIVE?
>>DOCTOR: OH NO, I JUST PUT A
BELLBOY'S SPINE BACK IN PLACE
AND ALL HE HAD WAS A DIME.
>>JACK: I KNOW, I KNOW.
>>DOCTOR: NOW, AH, OPEN YOUR
MOUTH, AH.
>>JACK: SAY, THIS TASTES GOOD.
>>DOCTOR: YOU SHOULD HAVE
TASTED IT WHEN THE POPSICLE WAS
ON IT.
>>MARY: DOCTOR, IS IT SERIOUS?
>>DOCTOR: WELL, THAT ALL
DEPENDS. IN CASES LIKE THIS,
THERE ARE MANY CONTRIBUTING
FACTORS, NATURAL VITALITY,
PHYSICAL STRENGTH, RECUPERATE
POWERS, AH...
>>MARY: KEEP GOING, THERE MUST
BE SOMETHING IN HIS FAVOUR.
>>JACK: MARY.
>>DOCTOR: WELL, I, I THINK I
BETTER EXAMINE YOU VERY
THOROUGHLY. AFTER ALL, JUMPING
INTO AN EMPTY SWIMMING POOL
COULD BEEN AN AWFUL SHOCK ON
THE SYSTEM. FIRST, AH, I'LL
LISTEN TO YOUR HEART.
>>JACK: MY HEART?
>>DOCTOR: YES, OH, THERE IT IS,
THAT FALL REALLY JARRED YOU,
DIDN'T IT?
>>JACK: DOCTOR, WHY DON'T' YOU
JUST EXAMINE ME AND BE QUICK
ABOUT IT?
>>DOCTOR: NOW, NOW, DON'T BE
IMPATIENT. THERE'S NO NEED TO
HURRY, AFTER ALL, YOU'VE HEARD
THE STORY OF "THE TORTOISE AND
THE HARE"?
>>JACK: I THOUGHT I DID, BUT
THERE'S A NEW VERSION
GOING AROUND.
>>MARY: SHALL I LEAVE THE ROOM?
>>JACK: MARY, DON'T BE FUNNY.
>>DOCTOR: WELL, I GUESS THAT
DOES IT FOR NOW.
>>MARY: EH, DOCTOR, MR BENNY
CAME TO PALM SPRINGS TO GET THE
SUN, HOW LONG DO YOU THINK
HE'LL HAVE TO BE IN BED?
>>DOCTOR: WELL, THAT'S HARD TO
SAY. I'LL BE BACK LATER TO TAKE
SOME X-RAYS AND THEN WE'LL
KNOW. IN THE MEANTIME THOUGH,
WE, AH, MUST BE SURE THAT HIS
BLOOD PRESSURE STAYS UP. SO
EVERY HOUR, GIVE HIM THIS.
>>MARY: AH, WHAT IS IT?
>>DOCTOR: MY BILL.
>>MARY: YOU KNOW JACK, I JUST
CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT. EVERY TIME
WE GO SOME PLACE, SOMETHING
HAPPENS TO YOU.
>>JACK: IT DOES NOT.
>>MARY: IT DOESN'T EH? HOW
ABOUT THAT TIME WE WENT TO
YELLOWSTONE PARK, OUT OF
THOUSAND'S OF PEOPLE, ONLY YOU
HAD TO BE LOOKING DOWN INTO OLD
FAITHFUL WHEN IT WENT OFF.
>>JACK: MARY.
(MARY LAUGHING)
>>JACK: WHAT ARE YOU
LAUGHING AT?
>>MARY: IT KEPT YOU UP IN THE
AIR 20 MINUTES.
>>JACK: THE STEAM TOOK THE
CREASE OUT OF MY PANTS
AND EVERYTHING.
>>ROCHESTER: HERE'S THE ICE
CUBES BOSS.
>>MARY: WELL JACK, I THINK I'LL
GO OUT AND GET SOME SUN. I'LL
SEE YOU LATER, TAKE CARE
OF YOURSELF.
>>JACK: YOU KNOW ROCHESTER,
WHEN I JUMPED OFF THAT DIVING
BOARD AND SAW THERE WAS NO
WATER IN THE POOL, I CAME SO
CLOSE TO GETTING KILLED THAT MY
WHOLE LIFE FLASHED BEFORE ME.
>>ROCHESTER: YOUR WHOLE LIFE?
>>JACK: YEAH, I SEEN THE TIME
WHEN I GRADUATED FROM
WAUKEGAN HIGH AND THEN, I
REMEMBERED THE DAYS WHEN I,
WHEN I WENT TO THE UNIVERSITY
OF ILLINOIS. AND, AND I WAS AN
ALL AMERICAN FOOTBALL PLAYER.
BUT THEN, I FELT MY LIFE
WOULDN'T BE COMPLETE UNLESS I
LEFT SOMETHING TO POSTERITY. SO
I ENTERED THE FIELD OF SCIENCE
AND DISCOVERED THE FORMULA FOR
NUCLEAR FISSION.
>>ROCHESTER: BOSS, IS THAT THE
LIFE THAT FLASHED BEFORE YOU?
>>JACK: ROCHESTER, WHEN YOU'RE
THAT CLOSE, YOU CHEAT A LITTLE,
I'M GOING TO TAKE A NAP.
>>ROCHESTER: OKAY. I DON'T KNOW
WHY HE WANTS TO SLEEP, HE GOT
NOTHING LEFT TO DREAM ABOUT.>E
MORE COFFEE?
>>JACK: NO I DON'T WANT
ANY MORE.
>>MARY: WELL, YOU LOOK MUCH
BETTER TODAY, HOW DO YOU FEEL?
>>JACK: HOW DO I FEEL? I COME
TO PALM SPRINGS FOR THE SUN AND
TO GO SWIMMING AND I HAVE TO
SPEND 4 DAYS IN BED, AND YOU ASK
ME, "HOW DO I FEEL"?
>>MARY: WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO
BITE MY HEAD OFF, YOU KNOW.
>>JACK: MARY, I'M NOT MAD AT
YOU, IT'S THAT PUBLICITY MAN OF
MINE. HE CAN THINK UP SOME OF
THE MOST RIDICULOUS THINGS
YOU'VE EVER HEARD OF AND THEN,
WHEN SOMETHING REALLY HAPPENS
TO ME, THERE ISN'T ONE WORD
ABOUT ME IN THE PAPER.
>>MARY: JACK IT WAS IN ALL
THE PAPERS.
>>JACK: IT WAS, WELL I DIDN'T
SEE IT.
>>MARY: I BOUGHT THEM ALL UP, I
WAS ASHAMED.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
>>MARY: COME IN.
>>DON: HELLO MARY.
>>MARY: HI DON.
>>DON: JACK, JACK, I'M TERRIBLY
SORRY ABOUT YOUR ACCIDENT, I
HOPE IT ISN'T ANYTHING SERIOUS?
HOW LONG BEFORE THEY LET YOU
OUT OF BED?
>>JACK: WELL, THAT DEPENDS ON
THE DOCTOR, HE TOOK SOME
X-RAYS, HE'S COMING BACK TODAY.
INCIDENTALLY DON, IF, DON..
AREN'T YOU A LITTLE TOO HEAVY
TO BE PLAYING TENNIS?
>>DON: NO, NO, NOT AT ALL JACK,
AS A MATTER OF FACT, MY SIZE IS
A GREAT ADVANTAGE.
>>JACK: HOW?
>>DON: WELL, I STAND IN THE
MIDDLE OF A COURT AND IF A BALL
GOES ON EITHER SIDE OF ME, IT'S
OUT OF BOUNDS. (DON LAUGHING)
>>JACK: DON, EITHER SIDE OF YOU
IS OUT OF PALM SPRINGS.
>>MARY: OH JACK, STOP PICKING
ON DON'S SIZE, I HAPPEN TO KNOW
HE'S LOSING WEIGHT.
>>JACK: (LAUGHING) OH SURE,
LOSING WEIGHT.
>>MARY: WELL, HE IS, I SAW HIM
THIS MORNING I SAW HIM GET ON A
PENNY SCALE AND IT WAS THE
FIRST TIME IT ONLY COST HIM
3 CENTS. (DON LAUGHING)
>>JACK: WELL, CONGRATULATIONS!
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
>>DON: I'LL GET IT, I HAVE TO
GO NOW ANYWAY.
>>MARY: I'LL GO WITH YOU DON.
>>DON: ALL RIGHT.
>>DOCTOR: HOW DO YOU DO?
>>MARY: OH JACK, IT'S
THE DOCTOR.
>>DOCTOR: WELL, HOW'S OUR
LITTLE PATIENT TODAY?
>>JACK: DOCTOR, I'VE BEEN
WAITING FOR YOU.
>>DOCTOR: I KNOW, WE HAD TO
LOOK AT YOUR X-RAY, THIS IS
MY ASSISTANT.
>>JACK: OH, THE X-RAYS, HOW DID
THEY COME OUT?
>>DOCTOR: WELL, THE SWELLING
HASN'T GONE DOWN YET. YOUR CASE
WAS SO UNUSUAL, THAT'S WHY I
BROUGHT MY ASSISTANT ALONG, TO
TAKE A LOOK, NOW, HOLD STILL.
♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪
♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪
 CLOSED CAPTIONING BY
 LOOK SMART CAPTIONING
 looksmart@sympatico.ca
♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪
