Hephaestus, a la Shmoop.
My name is Hephaestus, and my life...sucks.
"Whatevs," you mortals probably say. "You're
the god of fire, volcanoes, and blacksmiths.
You've got a sweet deal."
Oh, if only it were that simple...
First of all, I'm ugly. 
Fugly.
I don't mind saying it, because it's true.
I mean... look at this mug. I've stopped
even bothering to look in mirrors.
Makes it tough to get ready in the morning...
when you crack them all the time.
If that weren't bad enough, I'm also short...
Lumpy...
And I walk with a limp.
You think it's easy being an ugly god?
Well, it's not.
Especially when every day on
 Mount Olympus is like a 
coed version of America's Next Top Model.
So there you have it. 
I may be the god of fire and volcanoes,
 but I'm not... smokin' hot.
Nobody's sure why I got hit with the ugly
stick. I just came out that way.
Even my mother Hera, Queen of the Gods, was
grossed out by me when I was born.
She was actually so disgusted by me 
that she tossed me off of Mt. Olympus. 
Yeah, you heard that right. 
My mother threw my infant body
off of a mountain.
Luckily, gods are made of tougher stuff than
you puny mortals...
...so when I crash-landed on the isle of Lemnos
>, I survived.
Some say my fall from Olympus is the reason
why I've got this stupid limp.
So not only did my Mom abandon me, she crippled
me for the rest of my immortal life.
Luckily, the gorgeous nymphs of Lemnos aren't
as superficial and well...
let's just say "unkind"... as my Mom.
The nymphs raised me lovingly on Lemnos, and
I somehow managed to build back my self-esteem.
Eventually, I built my famous forge inside
of a volcano on Lemnos.
Before you knew it, everybody was talking
about my awesome creations.
Some of my greatest hits include 
the indestructible armor of Achilles.
Though it probably would've worked 
out better for Achilles if I'd
made him a set of 
indestructible boots to go with it...
But hey, sandals were the style back then.
I also single-handedly invented the
idea of the "pimped out ride" 
when I made Helios the sun god's fiery chariot.
Even though life was getting better, I never
got over how my Mom dissed me.
And therapy isn't cheap...
To get her back, I forged a beautiful golden throne.
Uh...what's the catch? 
Well, Hera eventually realized that she
could never get up from the throne again.
Think about how torturous it got 
when she had to pee, 
and couldn't make it to... her other throne.
Eventually, the other gods convinced me to
let her go, though.
Mom and I made peace...sort of...
and she even tolerated me coming
 up to Olympus once in a while.
Things were looking up.
Even though I was the ugliest god, I ended up
marrying Aphrodite, goddess of love and beauty.
Only in Hollywood, right?
A lot of gods were actually whispering that
Zeus forced her into marrying me. 
Could be.
Like pretty much every arranged marriage ever,
mine lacked a little heat. OK, a lot of heat.
But I still couldn't keep my hands off of her.
The trouble was... she couldn't keep her
hands off of everybody else.
Besides finding plenty of hints on 
the men's room walls of Olympus, 
I also got a tip from my old buddy Helios.
The sun god told me that my wife had been
sneaking around with the war god, Ares.
When I heard this, I really blew my top.
So it was time once again for revenge.
Since a piece of trick furniture worked so well
with Mom, I figured I'd try it again.
The next time Ares and Aphrodite spent some
time together in my golden bed, 
they were surprised when an inescapable golden 
net  trapped them in their skivvies.
To shame them, I called all the gods to see
them naked together.
It was then that it struck me.
Wasn't I just showing everybody exactly
how pathetic I really was?
So, there you have it, mortals.
Being a god isn't everything it's cracked
up to be.
And being ugly sucks just as much up here
on Mount Olympus as it does on Earth.
