How to Win friends and Influence people by
Dale Carnegie
In this video we’re gonna talk about how
to get people to like you and we’re gonna
talk about the 4 most important strategies
to get people to like us and how they are
paradoxical to the way they normally think
of how to get people to like us.
So now let me tell you my story.
I got my first job out of grad school in engineering.
I thought I wanted to impress everyone.
I wanted to rise up the ladder.
I wanted to be the smartest person in the
room.
I wanted to be liked by everyone.
And what did I do?
I would talk all the time.
In meeting I would try to prove how smart
I was.
I still remember a meeting I was at my director
and VPs and other engineers and my director
said something which I thought was wrong and
I pointed it out and I said, “No that is
wrong”.
Even though it was true that what he said
was wrong and I thought in the moment that
I had proved how smart I was, I had not really
proved how smart I was but instead proved
that I had no skills how to handle people.
And I would talk on and on and on in like
during lunch breaks or during off hours or
even during times that we had together about
my interest or the things I do in life about
how amazing my life was, my passions, my interests,
my hobbies, this and that, my, my, my.
That’s all I was doing.
I was only interested in what I was doing
because I wanted to show to them that I was
smart, I was intelligent, I was amazing.
I was trying so hard to prove that I was worthy,
that I was smart, that I was intelligent,
that I belong there, that they should promote
me, that they should like me.
And what happened a year and a half later?
I got laid off.
And I thought, well these guys have no idea
what they missed out on so they have no idea
how smart I was, how intelligent I am.
And so disappointing.
Until a friend of mine handed me the book
How to win Friends and Influence People.
And this book revolutionized my life.
Literally revolutionized my life because I
did not realize that everything I was doing
up to that point in terms of human relationships,
in terms of winning friends.
Everything was wrong.
Everything was the exact opposite of what
I should have been doing because the paradoxical
truth of how to win friends, how to get people
to like you, Is that we had to like people
in order to have them like us.
That is the paradox.
We think that we have to make them like us.
But no, it’s much much much more effective
for us to like them.
Because when we like them, they like us.
And the truth is can you really like someone
by talking all the time or being interested
in yourself or proving how good you are or
proving how important you are.
Can you really like someone like that?
No. and if you cannot like someone as the
paradox says if you don’t like them they
will not like you.
So, in order to get someone to like you, you
have to like them.
And how do you do that?
There are four key strategies.
The first one is to become genuinely interested
in other people as Dale Carnegie says.
You will make more friends in two months by
being interested in other people, than in
two years by trying to make people interested
in you.
Because the fundamental truth is people are
interested in themselves.
If only I had the understanding that I need
to talk to my colleagues about their interests.
If I could only become interested in their
lives, in their pains, in their frustrations,
in their challenges, I could have become more
friendly to them and I could have had more
friends.
The second important key, be a good listener
and encourage others to talk about themselves.
There’s a reason why we have two ears and
one mouth.
And here’s another paradox, if you aspire
to be a good conversationalist, you have to
be a great listener.
You have to give them the gift of your full
attention.
You have to encourage them to talk about their
accomplishments, about their well-being, about
things that they enjoy.
You have to listen.
Because people are so much more, a hundred
times more interested in themselves and what
they’re talking about than what you have
to talk about.
So people will think of you as a great conversationalist
if you are a great listener.
And the funny thing, the paradoxical thing
is, when you think of a conversationalist,
you think of someone who can converse, who
can talk.
But it’s the opposite.
The paradox which is true which is someone
who can listen, someone who can ask questions
and just let the other person talk.
The third truth about getting people to like
you is to talk in terms of their interest,
not yours.
The exact opposite.
Don’t talk in terms of your interest.
Talk in terms of the other person’s interest.
That’s the road.
The royal road to a person’s heart which
is to talk about the things that interest
him or her the most.
Talk about their kids, their family, their
health, their relationships whatever it is.
There are quite a few things, there are quite
a few reasons why you should talk about them
because first of all, it gets them to like
you.
But also you get to learn something new.
You get to see the world from their eyes.
You get to see and learn what they have learned.
And the fourth truth of getting people to
like you is to make the other person feel
important and to do it sincerely.
That is probably the one truth that I completely
missed on when I was constantly in my job
when I was trying to prove how good I was,
how important I was, how smart I was, how
capable I was.
I was doing the exact wrong thing because
as William James said, the deepest principle
in human nature is the craving to be appreciated,
the craving to feel like we’re good, that
we are worthy.
When you take that away from people, you cannot
get them to like you.
So people want to be appreciated, people want
to feel like they’re important in your life.
When you can show it to them that they are
important to you, that’s when you become
important to them.
And very paradoxical idea.
Only when you feel like they are important
to you, will they now start to feel that you
are important to them.
And really interesting example from the life
of Benjamin Disraeli, the legendary UK prime
minister.
One time when he was running for elections,
this lady went for dinner with the guy who
was competing against him who stood against
him in the elections.
And she said, when I got done with the dinner
I felt like I was in the company of one of
the smartest men in the world.
That gentleman was so smart.
Definitely he deserves to run for prime minister
of the UK.
However, a few days later she went on a dinner
with Benjamin Disraeli and here’s what she
said about Benjamin Disraeli, she said, when
I went for dinner with Benjamin Disraeli,
I felt like I was the smartest person in the
world and that is why I will vote for Benjamin
Disraeli.
Now this is the key, Benjamin Disraeli made
her feel important.
He talked to her about herself.
He let her talk about her interest, her passions,
and he let her proved to him she was important.
And that’s when she knew she was important
to him, he was important to her.
So there you have it.
How to win friends and influence people.
4 really key skills to get people to like
you.
4 paradoxical skills to get people to like
you.
Always remember, if you can remember one thing
from this whole thing, in order to get people
to like you, you must like them.
That is the way forward.
