>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY!
JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN"!
GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND,
EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS AN
OSCAR-WINNER BUT MORE
IMPORTANTLY HE'S TOM HANKS.
PLEASE WELCOME TOM HANKS!
(BAND PLAYING)
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: WORKING ON A NEW
PROJECT OVER THERE?
>> YEAH, WORKING ON THIS A
LITTLE BIT.
THIS AIN'T GONNA WORK, THAT
AIN'T GONNA WORK.
JUST CHANGING THIS.
I KNOW THIS MIGHT AFFECT THE
BUDGET.
A GREAT WAY TO START ANY FILM IS
WITH EXTERIOR HAWAII BEACH.
THAT'S NOT FUNNY.
BY THE WAY, JON BATISTE AND THE
VAMP KINGS.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
YOU HAD TO PLAY FOR ABOUT 20
MINUTES THERE
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: TOM HANKS, YOU ARE
THE MAN FROM WHOM WE ALL LEARNED
THERE IS NO CRYING IN BASEBALL.
>> THERE'S GONNA BE.
>> Stephen: WORLD SERIES.
YOU CAN ALL STICK YOUR PINS
IN ME RIGHT NOW, AND I KNOW THE
ENTIRE WORLD AND THREE-LEGGED
DOGS AND ORPHAN CHILDREN ARE ALL
ROOTING FOR THE CHICAGO CUBS, I
REALIZE THAT.
BUT YOU DO NOT DO THREE LONG HOT
SUMMERS DOING SHAKESPEARE IN
CLEVELAND, BLOWING TIME,
WATCHING THE CLEVELAND INDIANS
PLAY AT A PARK THAT I SWEAR WAS
CALLED, AT THE TIME, CLEVELAND
MUNICIPAL LAKE FRONT STADIUM.
IT WASN'T LIKE PETCO PARK OR
DUNKIN' DONUTS FIELD --
CLEVELAND MUNICIPAL LAKE FRONT
STADIUM.
HOLDS 90,000 PEOPLE.
I WOULD BE THERE ON A GIVE FEN
NIGHT WITH 4,800 --
( LAUGHTER )
-- WATCHING THE HUMAN RAIN DELAY
HARGROVE.
SO I'M GONNA TELL YOU RIGHT NOW,
YEAH, CUBS GREAT.
I'M ROOTING FOR THE CLEVELAND
INDIANS TO WIN THE WORLD SERIES.
I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY.
( APPLAUSE )
NOW, LISTEN NORTHSIDE BOY, YOU
LITTLE DENISON OF
WRIGLEYVILLE --
>> Stephen: I LIVE TWO BLOCKS
AWAY.
SPENT MY 30th BIRTHDAY THERE.
>> OH, SHUT UP.
WHO CARES?
( LAUGHTER )
LOOK, I WANT THE TRIBE TO WIN,
BUT HERE'S WHAT I WILL ACCEPT.
I WILL ACCEPT THE SEVENTH GAME
IN CLEVELAND, BY THE WAY,
DECIDING GAME, BOTTOM OF THE
NINTH, CLEVELAND IS UP.
LARRY DOBIE, THE GHOST OF LARRY
DOBIE IS ON DECK.
THE GHOST OF ROCKY CALAVITO IS
IN THE BOX.
WHO DO YOU WANT TO PITCH FOR THE
CUBS?
WHO'S YOUR GREAT RELIEF PITCHER?
>> Stephen: WHO IS THE
GREATEST RELIEF PITCHER FOR THE
CUBS?
>> OH, AREN'T YOU A FAN.
>> Stephen: WHO?
CHAPMAN.
LIKE HE KNEW.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: COME ON, FIRST
BASE IS --
>> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, FINE!
THIS IS WHAT I WANT --
LOW-HANGING CURVE OF THE SCORES
TIED, BY THE WAY.
>> Stephen: 20-20.
BEEN A GREAT GAME, BY THE
WAY.
IT HAS LASTED SIX AND A HALF
HOURS.
IN TO ROCKY, LONG FLY TO LEFT
CENTER.
HANGING UP THERE, IS THE WIND
BLOWING OUT?
MIGHT BE.
IS IT GOING TO OUT?
WHO'S CIRCLING UNDER THE WALL
AND MIGHT CATCH IT?
>> Stephen: THE GHOST OF
SHAWN.
>> SOME LEGENDARY CLUB.
IS IT GOING IN OR OUT?
WHO'S GOING TO WIN THE GAME?
ARMAGEDDON.
FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE,
EARTHQUAKES, LIGHTNING, TOADS
RAINING DOWN, GOD BRINGS THE
WORLD TO AN END BECAUSE HE CAN'T
QUITE ROOT FOR THE RIGHT TEAM.
STICK YOUR PINS IN ME NOW, I'M
ROOTING AGAINST THE CUBS.
>> Stephen: YOU PROBABLY GET
MAIL AS OPPOSED TO EMAIL.
>> I DO, YES.
I'LL GET MAIL.
>> Stephen: I DON'T MEAN
THAT'S AN INSULT.
>> I'LL GET MAIL.
>> Stephen: AND YOU ALSO, DO
YOU KNOW, SOME SAY THAT'S THE
GREATEST TOM HANKS MOVIE OF ALL
TIME, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
>> FABULOUS MEG RYAN.
>> Stephen: I WAS SICK ONE
DAY, WATCHED IT THREE TIMES --
>> CRIED LIKE A BABY.
>> Stephen: I DID.
I LOVE YOU, SHOP GIRL.
>> Stephen: YOU TAKE A TYPE
WRITER.
>> I HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO TAKE A
TYPE WRITER TO THE BASEBALL
GAME.
>> Stephen: WHY?
IT'S LIKE SCORING THE GAME.
OFF NARRATIVE.
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A
STOGIE AND HAT?
>> I SIT UP ON A LITTLE THING.
LITTLE STOOL.
THE BEST THING TO WRITE IS --
THERE ARE DODGERS GAMES AND WE
GO.
I LOVE BASEBALL.
BUT THE BEST THING TO WRITE IS
WHEN YOUR TEAM STRIKES OUT A GUY
SWINGING, RIGHT, AND IN BASEBALL
PARLANCE, YOU'RE WRITE ON THE
SCORE CALLED TAY!
MEANS STRIKE OUT.
SO IT'S A BIG FAT CAPITAL K,
DASH, PARENTHESIS, SIT DOWN!
PERIOD, PERIOD, PERIOD.
BACKSPACE, BACKSPACE, BACKSPACE.
SHIFT 8, APOSTROPHE, APOSTROPHE,
APOSTROPHE -- BECAUSE THAT MAKES
AN EXPLANATION MARK, YOU SEE --
CLOSE PARENTHESES.
SO I THINK WHOEVER IT IS WALKING
BACK -- YEAH, I STRUCK OUT, I
SHOULD HAVE CAUGHT THAT, I
DIDN'T GET IT, I STRUCK OUT.
I THINK THEY HEAR ME TYPING THAT
UP IN MY LITTLE BOX, SIT DOWN!
CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK!
BACKSPACE, BACKSPACE, BACKSPACE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THIS MIGHT BE THE
ANGRIEST I'VE EVER SEEN TOM
HANKS.
>> WELL, YOU KNOW.
>> Stephen: NICELY DONE.
WELL, KEEPS YOU IN THE GAME.
>> Stephen: ANGER'S GOOD FOR
THE BLOOD.
>> AFTER SIX AND A HALF BEARS
YOU GET WORKED UP.
>> Stephen: YOU RECENTLY
TURNED 60 YEARS OLD.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: OKAY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> WASN'T HARD.
>> Stephen: DID 60 HIT YOU
HARD?
>> NO, IT'S NOT A REAL
ACCOMPLISHMENT.
YOU BECOME 60 BY ESSENTIALLY
WEIGHT.
>> Stephen: INERTIA.
36 WAS HARD.
WHEN I TURNED 36.
>> Stephen: WHY?
BECAUSE 36 IS THE YEAR FOR MY
BODY SHAPE, ANYWAY, THAT YOUR
METABOLISM SLOWS DOWN AND
SUDDENLY YOU HAVE BEEN LIVING
ESSENTIALLY ON TOP OF PEPSIS AND
DING DONGS AND AT 36 IT STARTS
TO SHOW.
>> Stephen: NOT AT ALL.
NO, THE BUTT GOES AND STUFF
STARTS COMING OUT OF YOUR SKIN.
BUT 60 IS NOTHING.
I'LL SHOW YOU HOW STRONG I AM.
>> Stephen: PUNCH ME.
DO I GET TO PUNCH YOU BACK OR IS
THIS A ONE-SIDED THING?
>> OH -- HOW OLD ARE YOU?
>> Stephen: I'M 52, BUT A
FRAIL 52.
GO AHEAD.
DO WHAT YOU NEED TO.
>> HERE YOU GO.
READY?
ALL RIGHT.
I'M GOING TO LEAN INTO THIS.
I'M GOING TO REAR BACK -- READY?
( LAUGHTER )
DID I KICK YOU AS WELL?
>> Stephen: YES, YES.
ARE YOU OKAY?
>> LOOK WHAT I DID TO MYSELF.
I THREW MY SHOULDER OUT.
>> Stephen: OH, MY GOD.
WE SHOUT THAT IN IMAX.
>> YOU ALL RIGHT?
YOU WANT TO GIVE ME ONE?
GO AHEAD.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: YEAH, YOU KNOW
WHERE THAT CAME FROM --
DOWNTOWN.
>> WHAT IS THIS?
THIS IS A NEW THINGS
CELEBRITIES ON TALK SHOWS ARE
DOING WHEN WE DON'T LIKE WHERE
THE PANEL IS GOING.
I'M GIVING YOU A YELLOW CARD.
>> Stephen: HOPE I DON'T GET
THE RED.
BACK WITH MORE TOM HANKS.
STICK AROUND.
