Anybody ever flew Spirit before?
(crowd cheers)
Nah, why y'all cheering?
That's the worst air--
Look, look...
(laughs)
Spirit is terrible.
They don't even got
no seat belts on there.
You holding hands
with everybody in your row.
You, like...
They got a hold-hand light.
"Hey, y'all,
the hold-hand light on!"
The hold-hand light.
All their flight attendants
old, black men...
with attitude problems.
Let me tell you
what happen, right.
I was sitting in the emergency,
right? This a true story.
I'm in the emergency seat.
And you know they supposed
to give you directions,
or make sure
you can save people?
He came over there
with attitude.
"Goddamn it,
let me ask you something.
If this plane go down, what
the hell you gonna do for us?"
"What the hell you mean?"
"Are you Wesley Snipes or not?!"
(laughs):
Can't save you.
(laughs)
 Passenger 57.
I love being Wesley Snipes dark.
There's some perks.
It don't mean nothing
when you're a kid though.
(laughs)
Can't see none of your
school pictures-- all teeth.
Like, look at them teeth, golly.
Look at them fourth-grade teeth.
(laughs)
So happy to be here, man.
You know, you know, I'm married.
Anybody else?
(scattered cheers)
Yeah, don't clap if
you ain't happy. Don't do it.
People here with attitudes.
"How you know, fam?"
Let me say this.
You don't understand,
when you get married,
that's when you start
noticing things.
Like, I didn't know women
wore wigs until I said "I do."
I did not know that.
I thought my wife had--
I thought she was getting
her hair done every day, fresh.
I didn't know
she had a wig game.
Soon as we got married,
I couldn't even sleep
the first night.
She had a bunch of dummies
on the dresser.
I'm like, "Who are you?
Who are you?!"
All them damn wigs
on the damn dresser.
Then they leave
the wig anywhere.
I got about, like,
five PlayStations,
'cause she want to leave hair--
wig hair on the PlayStation.
You know how hard it is
to explain to some kid
at a GameStop what's wrong
with your PlayStation?
"Did you, uh, keep it on?"
"Nah, there's some wig hair
in there. Um..."
(laughs)
She get drunk and throw it off.
I love going out
where you see females
with the wigs
and they forget they got it on;
you ever see that?
It gets so hot in the club,
they get to digging in it.
(laughing manically)
Nah, too late, mother...
I saw the (bleep) do-rag.
(laughter, applause)
But let me say this, ladies.
Look, don't clap; I ain't done.
'Cause you might not like me
if you wear a wig.
But I'm gonna say this,
I'd rather buy you a wig.
It's cheaper, okay?
It's way cheaper
than getting your hair done.
I'd rather take you
wig shopping, okay?
We take you wig shopping,
we go to the best beauty supply
money can buy,
and I'll get you the best wig
that you could ever buy.
We walk in there, they got to
get your wig down with a stick.
That's how expensive
your wig is.
I walk in,
there's a dude with a stick.
"Oh, you want the human hair,
hold on.
"Oh, yeah.
"Must be a baller, yo.
"We got to keep
the human hair up here.
Yo, them crackheads
steal human hair in our store."
Some of y'all got money.
Y'all ain't never seen
the stick man before.
When you live
in a messed up neighborhood,
the stick man exists.
'Cause the dope fiends
steal everything.
So they got to keep everything
high up.
You go in our grocery store,
they get stuff down with a stick
they ain't supposed to.
"Hold on, you want
the two percent whole milk.
"Well, these crackheads
are stealing
"the hell out this milk.
Goddamn."
Who the hell
buying bootleg milk?
Who on the streets
buying milk from a crackhead?
"Let me smell it."
Some of y'all live
in good neighborhoods, boy.
Your neighborhood terrible,
the Walgreens ain't... (laughs)
If your neighborhood bad,
Walgreens lock everything up.
There's stuff locked up that
ain't supposed to be locked up,
'cause it's personal.
You got to ring a doorbell...
(laughs)
just to get some deodorant.
That's some bullshit. Really?
And the Walgreens employee
always act like
you bothering him.
(sighs) "All right,
what you need, brother? What?
"Which one of
these deodorants you want?
"Show me the money first.
"I'm not unlocking this
until you show me $4.84!
"And we don't take debit.
"You ain't got
no RushCard, do you?
"We don't do RushCards
in Walgreens over here.
Ain't no damn money
on that shit."
So, why the hell
you need to see the money?
(laughs)
I guess he had some crackheads
run in there,
put the deodorant on
and put it back.
(laughs)
Like, they got mad.
"Aw, damn, I bought the sport,
I wanted cool rush."
Dope fiends ruin everything.
Your neighborhood poor,
everything gets bad.
Chuck E. Cheese, you know.
You go to a Chuck E. Cheese
in a bad neighborhood,
those people
never watch their kids.
Like, ghetto people
are terrible.
They let their kids run rampant.
You know, they beating up
all the other kids and...
You know, I'm gonna tell
y'all a true story, right.
So, I'm at Chuck E. Cheese
for my son birthday.
And I went back to the table
'cause the food was ready.
I went to go check on the food,
and I went to go back to him,
and he was getting hit
in the head.
You know that little game
with the mallet?
With the things come up and
they do like this. You know...
So, this little boy
is banging him, like...
Mallet in the head.
Just killing him
with the mallet.
And my ignorant-ass son, he
throwing his coins at his shoe
and his tickets, like,
he act like the dude winning.
That's why
he keep hitting him, like...
(mocking laugh)
"You're disgusting."
So, I go over there to say
something to the little boy.
Let me say this;
look, ghetto people
do not watch their kids, but
they always say something to you
as soon as you say something
to their damn kid.
This hood rat
come out of nowhere,
you know what I'm saying?
White people,
I'm putting y'all on game.
Okay, just so you know.
If you ain't
never seen a hood rat,
look, you ever see a female talk
with her hand like this,
watch them.
Be scared.
You see this coming,
you better run, you hear me?
You see this...
Run!
So, look, I say something
to the little boy.
I'm, like, hey--
And I ain't even get--
I'm being so respectable.
I'm not even being a jerk.
I'm, like, "Hey, hey, look guy,
hey, brother, look here, man.
"Why you hitting him
with the mallet?
"Man, ain't no--
You hurting him, man.
He about to cry."
She's like, uh, "Excuse us!"
"Why don't you calm down first.
"Uh, don't get an attitude.
"Your son has actually been
hitting my son
"with this un-softened mallet.
"You know,
there's metal in there.
"They just put a little
leather thing on it,
but there's nothing there soft
to help the kid..."
"Okay, are you serious?
"Why are you doing this?
"They playing.
Mind your
goofy-ass business, damn."
What the (bleep)?
"Why you not
watching your kids?"
"I don't need to watch them,
they watch themselves.
"We at Chuck E. Cheese!
The band is watching them."
"That band ain't real,
you idiot.
That's not real,
it's a machine."
"They watching him!"
