On December 31, Donald Trump
said his dream was for peace,
specifically in the Middle East.
And then on January 2,
he did this.
ANNOUNCER:
This is CNN Breaking News.
Our breaking news tonight
is huge.
A rocket attack
on the Baghdad airport
kills Iran's most revered
military leader
and a senior official
in Iraq's paramilitary forces.
Now, the Pentagon
announced tonight
that the attack was
a U.S. air strike.
Sweet Jesus.
Donald Trump ordered the killing
of Iran's top general.
What happened to peace? Huh?
When most people break
their resolutions,
they eat ice cream
instead of working out.
This guy rained down fire
on these mother(bleep).
He ate ice cream while doing it.
Now, despite... despite--
that's a real thing.
He ate ice cream
while it was happening.
He's like, "Mmm."
Now, despite all the instant
experts on social media
suddenly tweeting
about Soleimani,
the truth is,
for most Americans,
Iran's top general was far
from a household name, right?
The only Iranian leaders
most people know
are the Ayatollah
and The Iron Sheik.
It's a very broad range.
But don't get it twisted.
Don't get it twisted.
For Iranians, General Soleimani
was as big as it gets.
NEWSMAN: Qasem Soleimani was
no ordinary general.
The U.S. officially
classified him as a terrorist,
but in Iran,
he was a national hero.
NEWSWOMAN: This morning
the entire region on edge.
Iran vowing retaliation
amid fears that two nations
are on the brink
of an all-out war.
NEWSMAN: Funeral processions
unlike anything seen in decades
are continuing this morning.
President Trump and Iran
are also dangerously trading
very serious threats of war.
A commander
of Iran's Revolutionary Guard
said his country had 35
U.S. targets in its crosshairs,
ready to pull the trigger.
President Trump tweeted
over the weekend
the U.S. has
52 targets identified,
including cultural sites
in Iran.
Okay, you have to admit
this is wild.
Trump kills Iran's top general,
and then when Iran threatens
to retaliate,
Trump says, "You better not,
or I'll destroy your culture."
Yeah. What's next,
he's just send a text,
like, "Oh, you think you crazy?
-Well, I'm loco, ese."
-(laughter)
Now, first of all,
destroying cultural sites
is probably a war crime.
You can't do that, all right?
Because according
to the Geneva Convention,
in war, the things you destroy
are supposed to be
for the purpose of the war,
not just to be dicks.
But secondly, there is no way
Trump knows anything
about Iranian
cultural sites, okay?
In fact,
if the Iranians are smart,
they'll use this
to their advantage
just to get Trump to get rid
of stuff that they don't want.
They'd be like,
"Please, Mr. Trump,
"don't destroy our most
cherished cultural landmark,
"that karaoke bar
next to my house
"that stays open till 3:00 a.m.!
-(laughter)
-Don't do it, Donald!"
So now the United States and
Iran are on the brink of war,
but the killing of Iran's
general has a ripple effect
across the entire Middle East.
NEWSMAN: The death
of Qasem Soleimani in Baghdad
ignited a new chapter
of regional tensions.
American allies in the region
are preparing
for possible retaliation
and are on high alert.
So are American forces,
with 9,000 in the region
and 3,000 extra
preparing to deploy.
NEWSWOMAN:
The State Department issued
an urgent warning overnight
telling all Americans in Iraq
to leave the country
immediately.
The Pentagon announced that
the U.S. has paused its efforts
in the fight against ISIS
due to a need to protect
U.S. troops in the region.
NEWSMAN:
Iraq's Parliament voted
to kick out the 5,000
U.S. troops in the country.
President Trump fired back,
telling reporters
if Iraq does force U.S. troops
to leave,
he'll make Iraq pay for money
the United States spent in Iraq
to build an expensive airbase.
Okay, guys, I don't know,
but I think it's safe to say
that this thing's not going
according to plan.
Because you realize now
America is sending more troops
to the Middle East--
and also, how is Trump
gonna flat-out refuse to leave
someone else's country?
Right? He would be the worst
Airbnb tenant of all time.
Yeah. Just writing
a review like,
(like Trump): I burned myself
cooking meth in your kitchen,
so I'm not leaving
until you give me my money back.
(laughter)
Now... you might be wondering,
how could
this well-thought-out plan
to assassinate an Iranian
general turn out so chaotically?
Well, maybe it's
because this plan
wasn't so well thought out
after all.
NEWSMAN: After the president
saw the protest
at the U.S. Embassy in Baghdad
and blamed Iran,
aides presented the president
with a variety of options.
NEWSWOMAN: "...top
American military officials
"put the option
of killing him...
on the menu they presented
to President Trump."
Military leaders were stunned
when President Trump decided
to kill Soleimani,
top brass viewing his death
as the most extreme option
they presented
to the president.
Okay, now, I know this
might not be a popular opinion,
but this is where
I don't blame Trump.
Pentagon officials gave Trump
a menu of options,
but then they were shocked when
he chose the most extreme one?
(laughter)
Get the (bleep)
out of here, man!
You were shock...
Have you seen Trump's apartment?
What part of his life
makes you think
he's ever gonna pick
middle-of-the-road options, huh?
If you don't want Trump
to pick something,
why do you give him the option
in the first place?
Donald Trump will always pick
the most extreme option
on a menu, whether it's
a military strike or KFC.
He's always gonna pick
the most extreme thing.
He'll be like, "Yes, I'll have
the Meat Lovers Explosion
with extra bacon served in a
kiddie pool of ranch dressing."
They'll be like, "Sir, uh,
we don't actually have that.
That's just, like,
a publicity stunt."
He's like, "That sounds
like a you problem.
And no lettuce."
(laughter)
So, now, because of Trump's
extreme decision,
the world is
in a state of panic.
Because, like, the truth is
no one really knows
what's gonna happen next.
Nobody.
We could be on the brink
of war-- World War III--
or the whole thing
could just fizzle out,
like the beef
between Nick Cannon and Eminem.
Yeah. Lot of people don't know,
but, uh, Jared Kushner actually
brokered that peace deal.
Yeah. He does stuff.
So, we don't know
what's gonna happen,
but the question
on everyone's mind is...
why would Donald Trump even
bring everybody to this point?
Why do something so risky?
Why now?
Nobody knows.
If only there was a wise man,
some wise man in 2011
who could have predicted
why this
would be happening today.
Our president will start a war
with Iran
because he has absolutely
no ability to negotiate.
He's weak, and he's ineffective,
so the only way he figures that
he's going to get reelected,
and as sure
as you're sitting there,
is to start a war with Iran.
I believe
that he will attack Iran
sometime prior to the election
because he thinks that's
the only way he can get elected.
Isn't it pathetic?
-(laughter)
-He's right.
It definitely is.
