What does the Queen do after Christmas lunch?
Has a wank.
No!
That's what everyone else does during the
Queen's speech.
Do they?!
Yes. They go for a walk. They go to church.
Oh, hullo. Oh. Er, no, they go to church in
the morning, definitely; St Mary Magdalene,
in Sandringham. But they've furnished us with
remarkable details, I have to say, the Royal
Family.
Does that mean that somebody from the office
is going to be tuning in to see how these
details were handled?
Yes. Absolutely.
And are likely to thrilled at the sensitive
way in which the Queen's Christmas day has
been described so far.
That's why I've been wriggling slightly. Erm
 . . . But just to get it out of the way,
the answer is: She goes into the saloon and
watches herself on television. On Christmas
Eve, right, they gather in the white drawing
room at Sandringham, around a twenty foot
Christmas tree cut from the Sandringham estate,
and I want to add here, at the risk of being
booed, that I get my tree from the Sandringham
estate.
Boo!
It's decorated by the Queen herself. At five--
What, your tree?
Boo!
Boo!
No! My tree? No.
Does she come round to do it? I bet you send
her out in the garden. "No, do it out in the
garden! You'll make a mess."
At 5 pm, the whole family has a cup of Earl
Grey, except the Queen, who has her own Indian
blend.
Is it Twinings?
I hope so! This is turning into a massive
embarrassment all round. And then they have
sandwiches, cakes, and scones. At 6 pm, they
open presents. This is Christmas Eve, remember.
Why do they open presents on Christmas Eve?
Because they're all fucking mad!
No, because they're all fucking Germans. It's
a German tradition.
So there you are. The Queen gives the signal.
They give each other practical presents, it
turns out; the Queen is said to have been
"delighted" with--
With a gun.
With a--
"Oh, that's bloody brilliant!"
No, with a casserole dish and a gift-wrapped
washing-up apron.
Do you think it's one of those ones with tits
on the front?
After dinner, after Christmas Eve dinner,
the Queen and the other female royals leave
the room with the corgis. Prince Philip then
serves port--
Prince Philip then serves port or brandy to
the male members of the Royal Family.
Oh, for God's sake!
Right, well. It's tradition. It's tradition.
If I told you this--
They're now wearing only loin cloths.
Exactly. If I told you this about an Aboriginal
tribe, you'd say, "Ooh, how interesting."
No, I wouldn't.
So it's just . . . It's tribal behaviour.
That's all; it's interesting. I think. They
get stockings on Christmas morning--
Prince Philip gets stockings on?
No . . .
While he's serving the brandy?
No, no, this is next morning; they all have
at the foot of their bed.
He wears them all night?
The family pulls crackers, but the Queen refuses
to wear her paper party hat. And then at 3
pm, they go the saloon to watch "me" on Christmas
day. We love them all and we wish them well
at this Christmas time.
And, talking of dysfunction at the Christmas
time...
