-Thank you very much.
It's great to be back
on "The Tonight Show."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yes.
What can I tell you?
I am single.
[ Cheers ]
Yeah.
I had a girlfriend
and then she was like,
"I want to get married
and have babies."
And I was like, "You've changed.
[ Laughter ]
This is not the woman I met."
Used to be happy with
fish stick Friday, and now --
I do well with the ladies.
At first, 'cause I'm fun.
But what happens is
they have a lot of fun with me,
and then they get really
frustrated and they snap.
And they're always like,
"God, why can't you be serious?
You're so immature."
And I'm like,
"Eh, you're so immature."
[ Blows raspberry ]
[ Laughter ]
Of course I'm immature.
There's no reason to grow up
when you're me.
Right?
I'm at work right now.
Does that blow anyone else's
mind?
[ Laughter ]
This is me being professional.
[ Applause ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah, I'm working five minutes
tonight.
Drunk.
[ Laughter ]
I'm only dressed like this
'cause "The Tonight Show"
made me.
I spend my whole day like
an 8-year-old with cash.
I love video games
and pro wrestling.
Once a week I throw up
'cause I ate too much candy.
I'm an idiot, you know?
I don't even want a girlfriend,
to be honest.
I just want, like,
a hot babysitter.
Just a beautiful woman
that's like,
"When you're done playing
'Donkey Kong,' let's have sex."
And I'm like, "Okay."
[ Laughter ]
"Let me just find
a save barrel."
Like, the other day
I was on an airplane,
and there was an empty seat
next to me.
And then I hoped
that a beautiful woman
would sit in the seat,
and we would hit it off,
and that would be,
like, our story.
But instead the flight attendant
brought a 5-year-old little boy.
[ Laughter ]
She plopped him in the seat.
She buckled him in.
And then she leaned over,
she goes,
"All right,
when the plane lands,
a lady dressed like me is gonna
take to you your parents.
But till then, just sit tight."
And then she left.
[ Laughter ]
She left me with a child.
I don't know anything
about childs, right?
[ Laughter ]
Like, kids,
you know what I mean.
So I was scared.
And I looked over at him
and he was, like, really scared.
He was, like, visually revved.
He was, like,
gripping the sides of the seat,
and he's looking straight down.
And I wanted to let him know
that there wasn't
nothing to be afraid of.
So I tried to start
a conversation with him.
And I was like,
"Hey, buddy, you're flying
all by yourself, huh?"
And he was like...
I was like,
"You're like a real adult."
He's like, "Hm."
[ Laughter ]
Now, I thought he was gonna
say stuff back to me.
[ Laughter ]
So I'm uncomfortable.
I don't know what to do.
So what I decided to do
was tell a joke.
'Cause that's how I make people
like me in real life,
is with jokes.
So I try a joke.
But I didn't know little kids
don't get all the jokes.
[ Laughter ]
But I tried.
And I was like, "So,
what do you do for a living?
Are you a doctor?"
And he looked up at me.
He's like...
[ Laughter ]
"No."
And I was like, "Well,
that was a joke, stupid."
[ Laughter ]
So now my feelings are hurt,
right?
So I was like, "Forget him.
I don't need this guy.
I don't care.
He's the one being a baby
about the plane."
I put my headphones on.
Screw him. I don't need him.
And then after,
like, a few seconds,
I felt a tiny little tug
on my shirt.
And I look down,
and he's trying to strike up
a conversation with me.
[ Audience aws ]
I take my headphones off.
I was like, "Yeah?"
And he goes, "Um, did you like
the movie 'A Bug's Life'?"
[ Audience aws ]
I was like, "Uh,
I loved 'A Bug's Life.'"
And we had the best conversation
I've ever had in my life!
[ Cheers and applause ]
It was insane!
We talked about
how many times we saw it,
who we saw it with,
who our favorite characters are.
We're doing impressions
back and forth.
We're having a great time.
Right?
And the whole reason
I share this story
is because at about minute 15
of the conversation,
I started to panic.
Like, is this where I'm at
maturity-wise?
[ Laughter ]
I've had millions of
conversations with adults.
Never once enjoyed it as my
first conversation with a baby.
Right?
So I'm actually rooting for
the conversation to end,
just to prove to myself
I'm a man.
So after about 25, 30 minutes...
[ Laughter ]
...the conversation ramps down
and I'm like,
"All right, good. I'm a man.
He's a kid. We're good."
I put my headphones back on.
No sweat.
But he wasn't done talking,
evidently.
'Cause immediately I feel
another little tug.
I was like, "Yeah?"
And he goes, "Um, Jeff,
do you like quesadillas?"
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
"I love quesadillas!"
We're right back in it.
It was insane.
I had no idea
little kids were so awesome.
I was like --
kid got off the plane,
I felt like I lost a friend.
[ Audience aws ]
I was like, "Should we exchange
information?"
He's like,
"I don't have information."
[ Laughter ]
How cool is that?
No I.D., no smartphone.
He's just rogue.
[ Laughter and applause ]
You guys have been great.
Thank you so much!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Hey!
Hey, that was great.
Jeff Dye!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Jeff Dye.
For more on Jeff,
visit jeffdye.com.
