WHETHER YOU GUYS DOING HERE?
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(music)   
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WHAT IS GOING ON?
[LAUGHTER]
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
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HOW ARE YOU?
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
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THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH.
THANK YOU.
NOW, I KNOW THAT YOU ARE
REPUBLICANS, BUT THAT WELCOME
WAS PRETTY WEAK.
SO, LISTEN, I'M GOING TO GO
BACKSTAGE, AND YOU'RE GOING TO
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TRY THAT AGAIN.
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[APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHTER]
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(music)
(music) BORN IN THE USA
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THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THAT IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
THAT IS A WELCOME.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
YES WE CAN.
GOD BLESS YOU.
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NOW, NOW, THAT IS ENOUGH.
[LAUGHTER]
IT IS MY TURN DID SPEAK.
IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK IN NEW
ORLEANS.
NOW, IS A HOT OUTSIDE, OR IS IT
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JUST AL GORE?
[LAUGHTER]
NOW, LET ME BE CLEAR.
LET ME BE CLEAR -- I'M HERE
TODAY TO EXTEND AN OLIVE BRANCH
TO THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.
NOW, I DO NOT WANT TO RUFFLE ANY
FATHERS HERE TODAY, BUT WOULD
YOU ALL MIND CHANGE IN THIS ROOM
AROUND ACCORDING TO THE PRE-1967
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00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:16,999
SITTING ARRANGEMENT?
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[APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHTER]
YOU OVER THERE, YOU OVER
THERE, AND YOU THERE.
NOW, I MUST THANK THE CHAIRMAN
OF THE NATIONAL REPUBLICAN
COMMITTEE FOR ALL THAT YOU DO.
WHAT IS IT EXACTLY THAT YOU DO?
0.
THAT IS RIGHT.
I APPRECIATE YOU.
REINCE PRIEBUS PARENT THAT NAME
SOUNDS A LITTLE FISHY.
COULD SOMEBODY -- RANCE PRIEBUS.
THAT NAME SOUNDS A LITTLE FISHY.
COULD SOMEBODY CALLED DONALD
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00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:54,999
CERTIFICATE?
TRUMP AND VERIFY HIS BIRTH
I THINK WE CAN ALL IN EVENT LIKE
THIS NEEDS A VOICE OF REASON, A
VOICE FROM OF HOPE, SOME OF THAT
WILL LOOK YOU IN THE EYE, AND
GIVE YOU A BIG HUG, AND LET YOU
KNOW EVERYTHING IS OK.
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BE HERE.
UNFORTUNATELY, MICHELE COULD NOT
NOW, WHEN VICE PRESIDENT JOE
BIDEN HEARD WAS COMING HERE
TODAY, HE TRULY WANTED TO BE
HERE, HE WAS SO EXCITED.
HE PULLED ME IN CLOSE, HE HELD
ME TIGHT, HE LEANED IN, JUST
LIKE THAT, AND HE WHISPERED IN
MY EAR "THIS IS A BIG F-ING 
DELL."
 -- DEAL."
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I SAID I KNOW, THAT IS WHY
YOU ARE STAYING HERE.
HE MIGHT BE ASKING YOURSELF WHAT
IS THE PRESIDENT DOING TODAY?
THE BUDGET IS OUT OF CONTROL.
THE DEFICIT IS RAPIDLY GROWING,
AND THEIR THREATS OF A
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN, SO I
FIGURED I WOULD DO WITH ANY
GREAT PRESIDENT WOULD DO IN
THESE TRYING TIMES HEAD DOWN TO
LOUISIANA, AND POLISH UP ON MY
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00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:15,999
GOLF GAME.
LOOKING GOOD.
I AM ON VACATION.
A FEW MONTHS BACK, MY FAMILY AND
I TOOK A NICE STOCKVACATION IN THE
STATE OF MY BIRTH, HAWAII,
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KENYA.
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WHEREAS THE TEA PARTY CALLS IT,
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[APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHTER]
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ARE HAVING FUN.
BUT, TIME DOES FLY WHEN YOU
WE ARE MORE THAN HALFWAY THROUGH
JUNE ALREADY.
MY FAVORITE MONTH IS FEBRUARY,
BLACK HISTORY MONTH.
YOU SEE, MICHELE CELEBRATES THE
FULL MONTH, AND, YOU KNOW, I
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CELEBRATE HALF.
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00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:03,999
[APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHTER]
FATHER WAS A BLACK MAN
FROM KENYA, AND MY MOTHER WAS A
WHITE WOMAN FROM KANSAS.
SO, YES, MY MOTHER LOVED THE
BLACK MAN, AND NO, SHE WAS NOT
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00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:31,999
A KARDASHIAN.
[LAUGHTER]
NOW, MOST OF YOU KNOW I'VE
STILL NOT BEEN ABLE TO QUIT
SMOKING, AND I MIGHT NEED SOME
OUTSIDE HELP TAKE A LOOK AT THIS
PICTURE OF SOMEBODY SNAP OF ME
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ON THE 2008 CAMPAIGN.
[LAUGHTER]
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ONE YEAR LATER SOMEBODY
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SNAPPED THIS PHOTO.
[LAUGHTER]
I NEED HELP.
SOMEBODY.
THE WORST PART IS PRESIDENT'S
AGE SO QUICKLY.
NOW, LOOKS, THIS IS GENERAL
GEORGE WASHINGTON BEFORE HE
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00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:14,999
AGREED TO BE OUR FIRST
PRESIDENT.
HIS LOOKING NICE AND YOUNG.
THIS IS PRESIDENT WASHINGTON LAW
WAS OUR PRESIDENT.
 -- WHILE HE WAS OUR PRESIDENT,
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AND THIS IS GEORGE WASHINGTON
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TODAY.
[LAUGHTER]
BOO.
DO YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?
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11.
HERE, IS W. BEFORE SEPTEMBER
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IS LOOKING GOOD.
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00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:52,999
THE SIZE OF, ON A POINT.
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00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:52,999
[APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHTER]
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00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:02,999
GOOD.
NOW, AFTER 9/11 -- NOT SO
CONFUSED.
NOW, BUT THE.
I LOVE THIS PHOTO.
 -- LOOKING AT THIS.
I LOVE THIS TOTAL.
WE WERE READY TO TAKE ON THE
WORLD.
I HAD COMPUTER TECHNOLOGY
PREDICT WHAT MICHELE AND I ARE
GOING TO LOOK LIKE AT THE END OF
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MY FIRST TERM.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT, DESPITE ALL OF THAT, AT
THE HALFWAY POINT IN THE MOST
HISTORIC PRESIDENCY IN THE
HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES,
FIVE TWO WORDS FOR EACH AND
EVERY ONE OF YOU -- YOUR
WELCOME.
YOU'RE WELCOME FOR THE THRIVING
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ECONOMY THAT HELPED TO CREATE.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU'RE WELCOME FOR THE PEACEFUL
MIDDLE EAST THAT I HELPED TO
FORGE, AND THE GIFT OF HUMILITY
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THAT I'VE GIVEN SYRIA AND A
WINNER.
 -- THAT I HAVE GIVEN SOME
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ANTHONY WIENER.
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[APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHTER]
THAT IS RIGHT.
I MAY HAVE GIVEN HIM THE GIFT OF
HUMILITY, BUT YOU PAY FOR THAT
CUTE LITTLE TALL.
TRUTH BE TOLD, I NEVER WAS A
FAN OF WINTER.
THAT BOY WAS ALWAYS TRYING TO
WALK UP ME.
I RELEASED MY LONG FORM BIRTH
CERTIFICATE.
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00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:53,999
HE RELEASES HIS LONG FORM
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00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:53,999
TWITTER PHOTO.
[LAUGHTER]
NOW, I MUST SAY THAT THE
STATE OF OUR UNION IS NOT GOOD.
THE DEBT IS RAPIDLY GROWING.
UNEMPLOYMENT IS QUICKLY RISING.
PEOPLE ARE BEING FORCED FROM
THEIR HOMES.
I FEEL THEIR PAIN, BECAUSE IN
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00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:20,999
TWO YEARS, THAT COULD BE ME.
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[APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHTER]
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SETTLE DOWN.
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SETTLE DOWN.
[APPLAUSE]
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YES YOU CAN.
[LAUGHTER]
THAT IS ENOUGH OUT OF YOU.
NOW, I WAS CRITICIZED FOR JOKING
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ABOUT SHOVEL-READY JOBS THE
OTHER DAY.
BUT, THE TRUTH IS WE NEED TO
BUILD TUNNELS AND BRIDGES.
THAT WAY PEOPLE WOULD HAVE
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OFF OF.
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SOMETHING TO LIVE UNDER OR JUMP
[LAUGHTER]
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00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:02,999
NOW, -- 
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[APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHTER]
IN A RECENT POLL, ONLY 15% OF
AMERICANS BELIEVE THERE WILL BE
A GREAT DEPRESSION, BUT THE BAD
NEWS FOR ME IS THE OTHER 85%
BELIEVE THERE WILL ONLY BE A
VERY GOOD DEPRESSION.
NOW, I AM PROUD TO SAY THAT WE
ARE FINDING GREAT STRIDES -- WE
ARE MAKING GREAT STRIDES IN
FINDING NON-COMBAT SOLUTIONS TO
FIND A DEER WITH MUAMMAR
GADDAFI, AND KIM JONG IL, OR AS
WE REFER TO THEM IN THE
SITUATION ROOM, TWO AND A HALF
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OF MEN.
[LAUGHTER]
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IS HE NOT CUTE?
LOOK OF LITTLE KIM JONG IL.
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LITTLE, LITTLE MAN.
[LAUGHTER]
NOW, ATTORNEY GENERAL ERIC
HOLDER, AT MY DIRECTION, WILL BE
FIGHTING ALABAMA'S
CONTROVERSIAL IMMIGRATION BILL,
WHICH IS EVEN MORE EXTREME THAN
THAT OF ARIZONA'S.
IT STATES POLICE HAVE PROBABLE
CAUSE TO CHECK ANYBODY'S
IMMIGRATION STATUS IS ANYBODY IS
EQUAL TO OR GREATER THAN THAT OF
JOHN THE CRY VERY BITTER -- JOHN
BOEHNER'S.
YOU WANT TO SEE MY IMPRESSION OF
JOHN BOEHNER?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON THE FOUR
MONTHS.
I DO NOT KNOW WHY THAT MAN CRIES
SO MUCH.
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00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:49,999
$40.
THE SPRAY CANS ARE NOT CHEAP.
LET ME BE CLEAR.
I AM AGAINST ANY STATE IN A
HEARING WITH FEDERAL IMMIGRATION
LAW.
SURELY AFTER ARIZONA PASSED ITS
BILL, I RECEIVED A LETTER THAT
SAID "MR. PRESIDENT, I WAS BORN
IN THIS COUNTRY.
I GET UP EARLY EVERY DAY.
I WORKED EXTREMELY HARD.
I COME HOME TO MY WIFE AND MY
KIDS, AND STILL, THE POLICE STOP
ME AND QUESTION MY INTENTIONS.
I DID NOT THINK SENATOR JOHN
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MCCAIN SHOULD BE TREATED THAT
WAY.
OR DO I?
NOW, I'M PROUD OF ALL OF THAT,
BUT LISTENING TO THE ATTACKS
FROM BY COMPONENTS AND THE
RIGHT-WING MEDIA, YOU THINK I
HAVE NOT GOTTEN ANYTHING DONE,
BUT IT IS TRUE WHAT HARRY TRUMAN
ONCE SAID -- IF YOU WANT A
FRIEND IN WASHINGTON, GET A DOG,
SO I DID.
HIS NAME IS BO.
HIS FULL NAME IS VOTE TO ITALY.
VOTE COMES FROM MYMY OFFICIALS  --
INITIALS BARACK OBAMA.
BILLY COMES FROM THE AMOUNT OF
SUPPORT AT DAWN FROM FOX NEWS.
HE SLEEPS IN HIS DOG HOUSE EVERY
NIGHT.
IT IS NOT A NEW DOG HOUSE, FROM
WHAT I'M TOLD, BILL CLINTON
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SLEPT IN THE A LOT.
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[APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHTER]
PERHAPS MY EXPECTATIONS WERE
TOO HIGH WHEN I TOOK THIS JOB.
AS YURI -- AS YOU CAN RECALL, MY
SLOGAN WAS YES WE CAN, AND I
HAVE TO ADMIT, I THOUGHT WE
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CANNOT.
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COULD, BUT APPARENTLY, NO WE
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[APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHTER]
SO, IN FRONT OF YOU HERE
TODAY, THIS AFTERNOON, I'M
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(music)
UNVEILING THE NEW SLOGAN.
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I KILLED OSAMA.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
IT WAS NOT GEORGE BUSH.
IT WAS NOT DICK CHENEY.
THAT WAS ME.
I DID THAT FOR YOU.
SO, THAT IS MY NEW SLOGAN.
I THINK IT IS PRETTY COOL.
BUT, YOU WRITE-WINNERS SHOULD BE
PROUD OF ME BECAUSE THE MISSION
TO CAPTURE OSAMA BIN LADEN WAS
NOT ONLY SUCCESSFUL IN THAT I
KILLED HIM, BUT IN COOPERATION
WITH TWO OF MY DEAR LIBERAL
SUPPORTERS, PROVED A YOU ARE
CORRECT AFTER ALL.
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TORTURE DOES WORK.
[LAUGHTER]
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WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT?
[LAUGHTER]
BUT THE ECONOMY IS FRAGILE.
IT IS BARELY MOVING.
IT IS GASPING FOR AIR.
IS DESPERATELY CLINGING TO LIFE,
JUST LIKE NEWT GINGRICH, THE
CAMPAIG'S CAMPAIGN.
COME ON.
HE IS IN SERIOUS TROUBLE.
HIS CONSULTANTS ARE DROPPING
FASTER THAN ANTHONY WIENER'S
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00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:43,999
PANTS IN AN AOL CHATROOM.
[LAUGHTER]
SPEAKING OF CANDIDATES, A
LITTLE BIRDIE TOLD ME YOU ARE
LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO CHALLENGE
ME IN 2012.
REALLY?
HOW'S THAT GOING FOR YOU?
OK.
WELL, LET'S SEE.
YOU HAVE YOUR FRONT RUNNER, MITT
ROMNEY.
NOW, DO NOT GET ME WRONG.
HE MIGHT MAKE A GREAT PRESIDENT,
ALONG WITH HIS FIRST LADY,
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00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:13,999
SECOND LADY, THIRD LADY.
[LAUGHTER]
NOW, IT IS UNFORTUNATE THAT
TIM PAWLENTY COULD NOT MAKE IT
HERE, BUT CUT HIM SOME SLACK.
HE IS HAVING HIS FOOT SURGICALLY
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00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:34,999
DO NOT WORRY.
REMOVED FROM HIS MOUTH.
LUCKILY FOR HIM, IT IS COVERED
UNDER OBAMANEY-CARE, THAT ALONG
WITH SPINAL TRANSPLANTS.
COME ON.
JOHN KING SERVED HIM UP A BALL
SOFTER THAN BARNEY FRANK'S
BACKSIDE.
NOW, BECAUSE OF HIM, PEOPLE ARE
ASKING ME WHEN I WILL EXPLAIN
THE DETAILS OF MY HEALTH CARE
PLAN, AND I HAVE THREE WORDS FOR
YOU -- SO AM I..
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00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:23,999
NOW, THE DONALD.
REMEMBER HIM?
HE IS THREATENING TO RUN AS AN
INDEPENDENT, BUT THE ONLY THING
RUNNING INDEPENDENT OF DONALD
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00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:31,999
TRUMP IS HIS HAIR.
[LAUGHTER]
NOW WE HAVE MICHELE BACHMANN
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00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:44,999
TO R.
[APPLAUSE]
NOW, WHAT CAN I SAY ABOUT
MICHELE BACHMANN THAT SHE HAS
NOT ALREADY SET ABOUT HERSELF?
THE OTHER DAY SHE CALLED ME A
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ONE-TERM PRESIDENT.
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00:17:59,000 --> 00:17:58,999
[APPLAUSE]
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00:17:59,000 --> 00:17:58,999
[INAUDIBLE]
[UNINTELLIGIBLE]
 -- ONE SYLLABLE PRESIDENT.
I HAVE TO GO.
GOD BLESS YOU.
GOD BLESS THE UNITED STATES.
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00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:28,999
GOD BLESS AMERICA.
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KEY WHY.
THANK YOU.
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00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:32,999
 -- THANK YOU.
[APPLAUSE]
GOOD AFTERNOON.
ARE YOU ALL STILL COME TO?
 -- POMP?
I STARTED WITH YOU THIS MORNING.
I WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU ARE AT A
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CERTAIN LEVEL, OR ABOVE THERE.
VERY GOOD.
