This is Spunky and Snarky and we say
welcome to the show.
[opening music plays]
Snarky: Hello and welcome. 
This is our Labor Day weekend show.
Summer's gonna be officially over and
this summer particularly sucked because
you couldn't do shit because of Covid. [laughs] Spunky: True. Snarky: My favorite summer thing is going to
concerts, but that didn't happen this
year.
Spunky: Nope. Snarky: So we're gonna talk about
another thing we hate doing during
summer which is
family get-togethers. [laughs] And we're gonna be
looking at this made for TV movie that we really
liked when we were younger
called Family Reunion: A Relative
Nightmare
because it reminds us of our family
reunions that
are not relatively but quite accurately
nightmares. [laughs]
Spunky: So let's dive on in to the episode.
[transition music plays]
Family Reunion: A Relative Nightmare is
a 1995 made for TV movie starring
Melissa Joan Hart, Jason Marsden,
and a bunch of classic TV
stars. It originally aired on April 1st 1995
on the ABC network.
Snarky: All right so the movie opens up with
Billy Dooley the main character who's sleeping in
his family's car and he has this
dream of himself on the beach and all
his relatives are there.
And everyone kind of starts nagging him
like his Grandfather like
digs into him, his Grandma tries to like
smother him, his cousins come all up to
him
all this stuff happens. And then he sees
his Aunt Margaret talking about how
Mark Jr. his cousin really wants to see
him. And then all of a sudden out of the
water Mark Jr. comes and he's like a zombie and
then everyone is a zombie and they're
attacking him and it's pretty funny.
And he like wakes up and screams and his
parents are like
okay, you got our attention, what do you
want? And he's like
oh nothing but basically he's been
having these nightmares
about going to this family reunion
because he fucking hates going.
Apparently, you find out that the whole
family hates going because
the rest of their family is very
competitive
and there's a lot of stress involved.
But it's their Great-Grandma Meema's
100th birthday
and so they kind of have to go and show
face. They're pulling up to the place and they
see his Aunt Margaret and Mark Sr.
and of course his Dad kind of gets into
a little competition with them.
Mark Sr. is like I'll race you to the
front of the hotel and he's like okay because
he's in a car. But then
Mark Sr. like bikes across the lawn
and of course, wins and rubs it in. So there's
like the main family
Billy's Dad Kevin, and he's got a Sister
Connie and then his Mom Grace. And then
there's
the McKenna's Kevin's Sister Margaret
and Mark Sr. and Mark Jr. So the
McKenna's are kind of douche bags. 
Spunky: Yeah, they're very sporty and kind of
yuppy-ish. Snarky: And just like
snooty. And then there's all these other
people that we come to meet later.
Spunky: So the family
walk into the resort which is run by the
Jamison family
and they all look alike. Played by the
actor who played Squiggy
in Laverne and Shirley. Snarky: He plays almost every member of the Jameson family,
female and male. [laughs]
Spunky: Except for one but we'll meet that one later.
We meet Aunt Kate played by 
Jo Anne Worley from Laugh-In.
There's a lot of classic TV stars in
this, as I said before.
And we meet all their dorky cousins, they
want Billy's attention super bad.
Snarky: You have got the one kid who like wants
to show him his chewed up gum
and then you got the one like scientist
nerdy kid. Spunky: Who like wants him to help
dissect frogs and stuff.
Snarky: And then there's a kid
who doesn't talk, Greg. And then there's...
Spunky: That one little girl who always
wants piggyback rides. Snarky: Umm hum. But then... there's Amber. Spunky: Oh God, okay so
Amber, who's Billy's second cousin. She's
got a major crush on him and is totally
creepy about it.
Snarky: She's like just so you know it's okay
for second
cousins to propagate. And I'm just like ummm.
Spunky: And she is super horny for him, she really wants to bone Billy.
Snarky: Yeah. Spunky: Cause she's like 14 or 13. Snarky: She's trying to be down for it.
Spunky: Yeah. Snarky: And it's awful. And I just got to take a minute too,
to mention that like this is so super
90's and like
Connie and even some of the other
characters later that are teenagers have
like the brown lipstick. [laughs]
Spunky: I was thinking the same thing. Snarky: Which
was like so 90's. Spunky: Yeah. Snarky: Like Wet 'N Wild brown
lipstick. Spunky: I had that, I had the lip liner. Snarky: But anyway, moving
along. Spunky: The family then meet up with the Dad's
parents. The Dad and the Grandpa haven't spoken
to each other in years.
And they ask where the guest of honor
Meema is? And the Grandma, Dottie
says that she's asleep. But then Billy
looks over and sees me
skateboarding by the pool, doing flips
and stuff. Snarky: She jumps over a lawn chair and like
airs it. [laughs]
Does like a board grab over the lawn chair.
Spunky: Yeah, I don't know what it's called.
Snarky: It's like so super cheesy because it's
like you can tell like it's a stunt double
in the Grandma outfit, but it made me
laugh still.
Spunky: Yeah, Billy says are you sure she's
asleep? And then the Grandma's like well
you never can tell with her, but they
locked her in her room.
But then she looks for the key and she
can't find it. The Dooley's then go get
settled up in the room
and they find their Dooley reunion
itinerary. Which includes multiple sports
competitions for the Dooley family
Olympics. Billy goes onto the patio to get some
air. When he sees a blonde girl running
through the trees and he's smitten
immediately. Snarky: So later that
night they're having the
Dooley reception where
Aunt Kate gets up and goes over the
family history. Which turns out that
the family came to America on a prisoner
ship. And
they were like the first Dooley to steal
like a horse or something. [laughs]
So their family history of being crooks
but then they turned to being like
lawyers eventually. So that was kind of
interesting. But in the middle, Kate's like my only
regret is that I couldn't have children and the
daughter Connie makes fun of her because
she does the speech every year. [laughs] But
they're like we're here to celebrate
Meema
and Meema's like there like chilling
with her walkman
and not even paying attention. Spunky: She is not here for this birthday party. Snarky: And like everyone gets up and claps for
her and she has to turn her walkman off
and she's like
just sit the fuck down. [laughs] She's like first off I'm only 98, so you got it wrong
like don't rush me. [laughs] Then she's like who do I have to kill to get an iced tea in
here? And then she's like okay, thank you and
sits down. [laughs] Spunky: Meema gave me so much life watching
this. Snarky: Yeah, she's really funny throughout the whole thing.
So Mark Sr. gets up to talk about the
family Olympics that everyone is
dreading
and Billy happens to turn and sees
the blonde girl again.
But this time she's like going along
with the buffet line and stuffing food
in her backpack
like looking all suspicious and shit. And
he wants to go talk to her but his Mom
is like you ain't going nowhere. Mark Sr. is
like oh, there's one Dooley family
that didn't participate this year. Of
course they're talking about
Billy's family. Last year his family was
competing at the volleyball tournament
Billy and his Dad went for the ball and
they collided and basically knocked each
other out, so it's become like a big joke
of the family.
And Mark Sr. of course, won't let it
go and is jabbing at him that
they can have a KO event and whoever
KO's first wins. Then maybe they'll win something. Spunky: And the
whole family's laughing at
them. Snarky: Yeah, and he's an asshole. So Billy
just finally loses it and he stands up and
he's like you know what
we're in and his Dad gets up and is like
yeah, and we're gonna kick your ass. So
they have this moment of adrenaline and
they're like what the fuck do we get
into.
Spunky: The next day we see Billy and his sister
Connie sitting at the dreaded kid's table
with his weird cousins
and Amber tries to hit on Billy again
saying they can do some adult things. Again creepy cause she's like 14. Snarky: Super creepy. Spunky: I mean
Billy's not that much older, but still.
Snarky: Yeah, she's like coming on way too strong.
Spunky: Billy jumps up and makes his escape and
he sees the mystery girl again and he
decides to follow her.
We see two other girls pull up in a blue
mustang. One says there she is to the other girl
and they decide to wait for the mysterious
girl to come out of the building that
she ran
into. Billy then bumps into the two girls
as he's following
the mystery girls trail. He then enters
the building and then sneaks into the
women's locker room.
We see the mystery girl putting her hair
up in the mirror and
hiding it under a baseball cap and she
says goodbye Samantha Avondale.
Billy finally meets up with Samantha and
tells her that he was looking for her.
She says who sent you, like suspicious
And he says a cool line would be destiny.
She says an even cooler line would be
get lost as she walks off. [laughs]
Billy goes after her and she tells him
to stop following her.
He says he just wants to talk and starts
telling her about the reunion.
Spunky: I'm like why isn't she more freaked out
that there was a guy in the girls
locker room of the spa, just saying. Spunky: Yeah, she didn't
seem to care too much about that. She
cuts him off and then she says she has
enough of her own problems to worry
about.
The two girls in the car see them
together and the one girl says to the
other to stop checking out the boys.
The other girl says that one of the boys
looks familiar. Samantha then tells Billy that
she bets he's one of those guys that
can't take a hint. Billy says yes then
offers to help Samantha with her
backpack. As he grabs on onto it
Samantha says no if anyone needs help
it's you as she takes off her hat and
starts hitting Billy with it. The two
girls in the car realize that it's
Samantha and start driving towards her.
Samantha sees them too and makes a run
for it. Billy then realizes what's going on and
grabs a bike and tells Samantha to hop on
they ride their bike into the hotel and
the chase is on. Billy and Samantha bike
down a set of stairs
and into the elevator. Billy questions
Samantha and asks her
why those girls are after her? She says
there's no time to explain and that
she's out of there.
She thanks Billy and they introduce
themselves. Billy sees the girls again
coming up the stairs
about to grab Sam when he pulls her on
his bike again. Snarky: This part's a little fake because like
they totally couldn't tripped that bike up.
But anyway, there's the 10k bike
tournament going on.
And they're like where's Billy because
he's supposed to be competing.
And Aunt Margaret and everyone else is
there. And Meema's there watching and
she's all like
sassy to Aunt Margaret. She's like you
know you keep me locked up in a room all
year and then for like one week, you pull me
out and parade me around.
Like hoping I'll burn up in the heat and
die and you'll get the inheritance. And it
was like oh damn.
Margaret just kind of brushes her off
like... Spunky: Meema's keeping it real. Snarky: Old people say the darnedest things. But
Meema like pulls out
a pistol and just starts waving around
and she's like I call them as I see them. But
we find out it's the pistol for the race,
but still. Eventually, they start the race
and they're like I guess we gotta go
without Billy. But then of course Billy
shows up on his bicycle
with Sam as the hood ornament. And
they're all like who's this? And he's like
it's cousin Bernice from California.
Spunky: That no one's seen a long time. Snarky: So they
go throughout the bike race. I guess
she's hanging on for dear life. I don't
know why she just doesn't jump off at
some point,
now that she's in the race but whatever.
So
the Dooley's eventually cross the
finish line but the McKenna's are
already done.
And Billy's Dad is like dying because
they haven't trained for the race
because they weren't planning on doing
any of this Olympic bullshit
this year. And then Mark Sr. and
Margaret are talking and they were like
you're supposed to let them win.
And he's like well you know if I let
them win on the first
round it'll be too obvious. So they're
clearly like hatching something but we
don't know what.
Spunky: And the plot thickens. We transition to
later that day
where Billy and his sister Connie are
playing tennis against Mark Jr.
and creepy cousin Amber. Meema comments
helluva birthday, watching the stinking
ball go back and forth. What mental
midget thought I would like this
as she turns to the Grandpa. He then
turns to the
grandma, Dottie and says that mouth of
hers is the reason why his Dad died a
young man.
Meema says I heard that Joe. And then
the Grandpa turns back to the Grandma
and says she hears everything. Meema says who says
your senses are supposed to fade, mine
are getting better.
Back to the tennis game Billy's sister
Connie slips while trying to return a
serve and hurts her ankle. She's smitten when a
tennis pro comes to check on her.
And she finds out he's
Daryl Jameson but he doesn't look like
the other Jamison's.
And she's like oh my god you're not a
freak. [laughs] And then they get smitten with
each other. Snarky: Yeah, he's like oh the family thinks I'm
a freak of nature because he's like
handsome. [laughs]
Spunky: Yeah. Mark Jr. makes a snide remark like oh, looks like you lost your partner.
So that's another loss, loser. But then Sam pretending to be
Bernice steps up and says that she'll
take Connie's place.
Mark Jr. agrees to it but Amber is
none too pleased
that she is with her man...eww. Sam is
really good at tennis and Billy is super
impressed and they win the match.
He tells Sam welcome to the family. Mark
Sr. is mad because they look bad
but Margaret calms him down. Snarky: Now we move
on to this volleyball game which is the
last event
of the Dooley family Olympics and
whoever
wins takes all. So the McKenna family is
up to something. Mark approaches Billy's
Dad Kevin and is like why don't we make a little
wager on the game and he's like how much
we talking? He's like no, no,
no, not money. 
Spunky: We're family we don't bet with money.
Snarky: No, no, if we win we'll have Meema move in with you. And he's like you want to
bet on Grandma but eventually he gives
in.
Of course, Meema overhears this. She's
like they're betting on me
and she's kind of upset about it cause
she's like no one
wants me and I don't want them. So
they shake on the bet and they play
the game. And so they're doing all right, it's kind
of close. And it's the McKenna's serve,
it's their match point. So Mark Jr. serves and it goes
right to Billy and so
of course Billy like receives it and
spikes it and it's all glorious.
And then you realize that he's just
daydreaming and it comes to him and he
goes to spike it
and it falls on the floor. Spunky: He totally
whiffs it and misses.
Snarky: So the McKenna's win and Billy's Dad is like how did you miss that like it
was right towards you. Spunky: The Dad yells at him
and gives him grief
and then Billy's pissed off because his
Dad yelled at him. The Mom tries to
smooth things over but
she doesn't do a very good job of it.
Snarky: Yeah, and then
Kevin has to tell the wife that Meema's
gonna move in with them and she's like
you know what this is a good thing
because they probably didn't take good
care of her anyway. Spunky: Yeah, the Mom's really nice about the whole thing.
Snarky: Yeah, but she's also like you better
patch things up with Billy because you
were a douche. Spunky: So we come back from commercial and we see Billy walking
along the beach sad. And then you see Sam run up and join
him. And this is where we get a little of her
back story. She says she knows
it doesn't help but she knows how he
feels. And then she tells a story about
how she used to be a cheerleader and
during her routine, her skirt fell off
and her Dad was in the stands freaked
out. But he never said anything or got
mad at her. And then when her Dad died
she was the one who was mad because they never like talked about things
that they needed to talk about. Sam and
Billy walk by the playground where Billy
gets bombarded with questions from the
weird cousins.
Then the two girls try to grab Sam. We
find out that they're Sam's
stepsisters. We then see the little
cousin who doesn't talk
yell out, hey look Billy's in trouble. The
weird cousins go after the stepsisters
and like start like beating the crap out
of them. [laughs] Billy thanks Greg the kid who
couldn't talk before. And he and Sam make their escape. Billy
asks Sam why the stepsisters are after her?
She says that after her father died her
stepmother pulled a whole Cinderella
thing on her, so she ran away.
Billy says he ran away once when he was
five but he came back. Snarky: He like got to the corner and realized
that he wasn't allowed to cross the
street by himself so he went
back.[laughs] Spunky: Sam says if she had his family she wouldn't run away either.
Billy says that if he did run away, today
would be the day to do it.
Snarky: But then we're back to Meema's birthday celebration, which is kind of
a mess. You see Connie and Daryl are all
into each other and then there's Billy
and Sam walking along and Amber tries to cut in,
even though they're not dancing.
And tells Sam that she's a jezebel and
needs to back off. [laughs]
Spunky: Yeah. Snarky: Which is like kind of hilarious, but
still creepy as fuck.
Spunky: The Dad Kevin tries to apologize to Billy
but he's like I suck and walks
off. Snarky: So Billy's Mom Grace is like
trying to get her husband to talk to the
Dad. And
her and the Grandma like try to put them
together but they just insult each other
and walk off. I think he said something about oh
you're looking a little thin up there [laughs]
about his hair. And he's well look at
yourself and then they just walk-off
from each other.
Meema is not feeling this. She like knows
everyone hates each other
and is just kind of like over it. So Joe
decides to give this speech about his
mom Meema, and it's like horri-bad. [laughs]
So he reads out this thing he wrote and
it's like beyond
insulting. He spells out mother. but it's like...
M, for the many years you've been on this
earth.
O, for other people your age who are no longer with us.
T, for time which you have somehow beaten.
And Meema's face is just like so done Spunky: She's like what the fuck is this? Snarky: H, is for your
health which is a constant
amazement to me. E, is for energy
which is more than people half your age.
And at this point she gets up and walks
out cause she's like
done. And thank god, because R, is for
reincarnation
we hope you come back as someone else
for another hundred years. Spunky: He should have just went with the Mr. T
[S&S sings] Mother, there ain't no other like Mother, so treat her right.
Treat her right, treat your Mother right. Snarky: Anyway,
so then they bring out this big ass cake
where there's like a hundred candles on it
and keeps blowing out, it's kind of funny.
And the guy has to keep stopping to
re-light it. But that's when they kind of realized
that Meema blew the building and is not there
anymore. She gone. Girl she gone. [laughs]
Spunky: So Meema
runs off and she sees a hot air balloon
and says she always wanted to ride one
of these. The man says sorry but this
one's already been chartered.
Meema then whips out a wad of cash out of her purse and is like will this do?
And the guy's like sure and tells the
other group, oh sorry you're next.
And the instructor tells her to give him
a minute why he like unties the anchors.
She asks like what happens if she pulls
on this rope and he tells her, what
happens if you do this.
She's like that's all I need to know, bye. [laughs]
And she just flies off.
The instructor's like I'm gonna get sued
for this. So back at the hall the entire
Dooley family run out because they
realized Meema's missing. Mark Jr. walks by the
stepsisters on the phone with her mother
and he overhears them talking about how
Sam is impersonating one of their cousins
at the reunion. Mark Jr. offers his
assistance.
Snarky: For a price. Spunky: He says he'd sell out his own Mother for a price.
Snarky: I believe it. Spunky: We cut to Billy and Sam who split up looking for Meema.
Sam tells Billy that she's really
enjoying being a Dooley.
Billy shouts for Meema and then all of a
sudden you hear someone say I heard you
why does everyone have to scream when they
want to talk to me?
And he's like what? And she comes down in the hot air balloon and lands behind
Billy. He sees her is shocked that she's in
the balloon. She says she had to wait a
hundred years to have this much fun,
you don't have to so get on in. Billy
tells her that everyone's looking for
you Meema and you need to get back to the banquet.
But she's like hell no
and then she starts flying off. And then
he holds to the side of the balloon
and Meema makes it rise and he jumps in
the back. [laughs]
Snarky: The next day back at the hotel, Sam
is telling Billy's parents that she
can't find Billy. They don't
know where he is and the Mom's kind of
freaking out a bit. At first
she's like he's a big boy he can take
care of himself but then like a second
later she's like I need to call the cops.
But then, of course, another Jameson
brother shows up and he's like
it's okay because I'm the Jameson
detective and
he's gonna find out what happened to
Meema and Billy and bring them back in
one piece. So Margaret decides that she's
gonna go out looking for Meema because
she feels really bad.
She doesn't want anything to happen to
her even if she doesn't want to live
with her. Spunky: The stepsisters try to talk to Mark
Jr. but Margaret is like
get in the car. Snarky: And Kevin also decides
that they're gonna go out
and look for her too. Spunky: So we cut back to
Meema and Billy in the balloon.
Meema says that was the best night of her
life and she can stay up in the air
forever.
Billy says me too, but don't you think we
should be getting back. Meema says back to
what a bunch of loudmouth blowhards who only
think about themselves.
This is what it's all about flying high, free as a pelican. Billy says well even
pelicans have to eat
and he's starving. Meema's like well
why didn't you say so and pulls out a bag
and asks
do you like white chocolate or dark
chocolate? And Billy just says yes.
The Dooley's and the McKenna's return
to the resort after no luck finding Meema
and Billy. Snarky: So at the resort the detective
comes in and announces that they know
where Meema and Billy are. They're up in
the air because
Meema hijacked the air balloon. Sam
asks which way they're going and the
detective says due west.
So they decide to leave and go after
them. So Kevin's like I'm gonna go out and go
look for Meema
and his wife's like I'm gonna stay here
just in case and
the Grandma's all like you got room for
one more? And he's like yeah come on in
Mom. And then
throws Grandpa Joe in the car. She's
hoping that they'll
chit-chat while they're looking for Meema and get over their
bullshit. The stepsisters
try to grab Sam while nobody's looking
because everyone's looking for
Meema. But Aunt Kate asks Sam posing as
Bernice to ride with her and she's like yeah I'd
love to. So like the stepsisters are foiled again.
Spunky: Meanwhile back in the balloon Billy says
breakfast of champions after eating all
the chocolate bars. Snarky: I agree. [laughs] Spunky: Meema says when she was a kid she
could eat her weight in candy.
She says that she would always raid
Margaret's freezer for ice cream and
they would always blame Mark Jr.
Billy says why didn't you just tell them
that it was you? Meema says why I like
to see that kid squirm
and then everyone gets into a big
argument. So Grandma's a shit disturber. Snarky: But she's like that's the only way they
communicate is if they
argue. Spunky: They look down at the people
below Meema says
you see all those people down there
every one of them has problems with
their families that drives them up the
wall and it's all got so important that they
forget what really is important. So
that's why you got to eat all the ice
cream while you still
can sink your teeth into it. Billy says I
think you're trying to tell me something
Meema? She's like
no, I'm not. If I wanted to say something
I'd say it direct.
I'd say talk to your father, like your
father should talk to his father,
and his father should talk to me. But if
I talk direct to anybody, do you think
they listen to me?
No. It's just a lot more fun just
stealing their ice cream.
Meema looks down and says hey look
at that. Billy says everyone's naked. Meema says
it's a nudist colony, let's buzz them. [laughs]
Snarky: So back in the car with the Dooley dads.
Joe says to make a right and Kevin's like why
should we make a right we don't know
where we're going.
Joe's like it's my instinct and Kevin's
like what if your instinct's wrong? And so
they start arguing a little bit
about the directions. It becomes revealed
that Kevin used to work at his Dad's law
firm and they split because they had
different ideas about...
Spunky: basically the direction of how they
wanted to run things. Snarky: And
so that's why they haven't been talking
because he left and apparently some
of the clients went with him.
Kevin makes the right turn. The
stepsisters
spot Aunt Kate's car and start to
follow them.
But Sam sees them trailing them and
is like you know I have my learner's
permit, is it okay if I
can drive? And Aunt Kate's like sure.
So they stop and switch places. Which is
weird because
the sisters stopped behind them and like
they could have got out and tried to
grab her or something.
So Sam then starts a high-speed chase
and like tries to lose them and is like
swerving.
And Aunt Kate's just like laughing, like
do they teach this in Drivers Ed?
Aren't you like afraid that they're
gonna die? There's also a part where like
she changes the radio station and like
Aunt Kate is all like digging the hip
hop music. Finally, they lose the two stepsisters.
Spunky: They almost run into
the McKenna's van and then they swerve
and they go down the embankment. Snarky: Yeah. Spunky: They were on the wrong side of the
road and they almost hit them like head-on
Snarky: And then smoke comes out your
car. [laughs] Spunky: So back to the balloon
Billy is like wow, after buzzing the
nudist colony. [laughs]
Of course he is because he's a teenage
boy, who's seeing nakedness.
Meema says in a few years gravity
will take over and their butts will be
hitting the floor. [laughs]
Billy says speaking of gravity I think
we have a problem, as the balloon
starts to lower
Meema says they're out of gas. The Dooley
Dads then spot them in the sky
as do the McKenna's and Aunt Kate and Sam. The balloon
lands in the nudist colony as all
the Dooley clan
in their cars crash the gate. Snarky: It's
really funny because the security guard
is all like these people have crashed the gate
and they're wearing clothes. [laughs]
And so long story short, cut scene and
they're all in jail. [laughs] For trespassing on the nudist colony. Meema's having a blast.
She's like let us out of here you dirty rats and
then she's like I've always wanted to
say that.
Spunky: And she's like banging her cup on the bars and stuff. Snarky: Yeah.
So they're trying to figure out what
they should be doing.
And everyone kind of blames Billy. Like he
should have talked Meema
out of hijacking the balloon, not going
along with it.
And his Dad kind of stands up for him.
Like what was he supposed to do,
he's just a kid. Just because people
don't do what you want them to do
doesn't mean they're wrong. So he kind of
stands up for Billy and stands up for
himself to his Dad. Meema's all like just kiss and make
up. [laughs]
Grandpa Joe's like all right but no
kissing. [laughs]
Finally, they get bailed out and...
Spunky: Meema's disappointed because she wanted to make a dramatic escape.
Snarky: She's so disappointed because she wanted like to pull a jailbreak. [Spunky sings] Tonight
there's gonna be a jailbreak. Snarky: She's like you should be using your
spoons to make a hole. You gotta come
together and figure this out.
Spunky: I saw "Escape From Alcatraz" we can dig with our spoons. Snarky: And the guard is like
so over her too, it's pretty funny. Spunky: He's just like whatever, lady.
So back at the resort, everyone gets out
of the cars. Grace tells the McKenna's
that she expects to be reimbursed for
all the bail
because with the money she put up she
could have bought her own hot air
balloon. Mark Sr. says fine and that they're
leaving. Kevin says that they're leaving
too.
Meema says where is everyone going? No
one is leaving until she gets her
birthday cake. So we cut back to the banquet hall where
Grandpa Joe is re-reading
his Mother speech and everyone is
bored as fuck. Mark Jr. looking shifty,
sneaks out
and meets up with stepsisters. The girls
are mad because he hasn't delivered Sam
to them yet. He then sees his Aunt
Patricia and the real cousin Bernice
and he hatches a plan. Back at the
banquet hall they wheel out Meema's cake
and she blows out the candles. Snarky: She says the best line ever, which is so
much for birthday wishes, you're all still here. [laughs] Spunky: But then she says
as long as you all
are I want you to know that this was the
best birthday of my life, good luck
topping it next year. [laughs]
Snarky: So everyone's all happy. And Mark Jr. comes in and is like I got a surprise
for everyone
it's Aunt Patricia and they see the girl
next to her and they're like wait who's
that? And it's like it's Bernice
the real Bernice. And then they're like
well who the hell is
the other girl? And Billy and Sam are
gone.
So Billy tries to tell Sam that she can stay
and like no one's gonna care they
already like you that's not gonna change.
and Sam's like no, I know when it's time
for me to leave.
So Billy's like just promise to call me and
let me know where you're at, so I know
you're okay. She kisses him on the cheek
and then she leaves. And Billy suddenly
realizes that he didn't give her
his phone number. So he runs after her and
Billy sees Sam then being captured by
the stepsisters.
and Aunt Kate sees them and like runs
after them and is like we gotta save her.
Like she's all invested cause like they had a
little bond. So she's like I'm gonna
go after them like tell your Dad. And so
he goes back in. Meema like looks at Bernice and
is like the other one was more fun. [laughs]
Spunky: Yeah. Snarky: So Billy comes back in and he's
like they took her.
And so they try to figure out what they
can do
because he's telling them the whole
story about Sam and the stepsisters. So
the stepsisters bring Sam back to the
house. And the evil stepmother appears
looking all
fancy, and blonde, and bitchy. Spunky: Played by
the Mom from the Wonder Years. When Sam was kidnapped she also dropped her
backpack which had a luggage tag, so they
knew
her address. The Dooley's are talking and
Mark Sr. says they would be putting
themselves in a position of liability if
they
acted in the girl's behalf this time. And
then Grandpa Joe says
that Mark's right they can get into
serious trouble if they try to help her.
Billy says that he'll go after her himself.
Kevin the Dad says to wait and give them
a chance to plan
an appropriate action. And then this is
when Meema gets pissed and says
what's the matter with you stiffs? You
think we're only supposed to care for
blood relatives, we're living proof of that contradiction.
We've been at each other's throats for years.
Kevin says that Meema does have a point.
When we thought this girl was family we
loved her, now just because it turns out
that she isn't
we stop. Mark Jr. says yes, definitely.
Kevin says well I'm going to help Billy
and if anyone wants to come with us
that's up to you.
Grandma Dottie gives Grandpa Joe the
look. And he says I hate it when you look
at me like that and goes along with
Kevin.
Snarky: So back at Sam's house the stepmother is
trying to get Sam to sign a power of
attorney paper, to make the stepmother her legal
guardian. She wants to take Sam's inheritance
money and invest it and then send Sam off to some
Swiss boarding school, so she doesn't have to deal with
her. Sam's like no, I ain't signing shit.
But then we see Aunt
Kate like bound to a chair. So Sam reluctantly
signs it. The stepmother's all happy and
they're gonna go ship her off to the
airport right now and send her to Europe.
Spunky: Meanwhile in the car with the Dooley's
Grandpa Joe says well we've already been
arrested once today for trespassing and
now we'll have to chance
being two-time offenders. Kevin
says what's the worst that can happen,
we'll lose our bar cards and switch to a
life of crime?
Joe then says well at least we'll go
back to the family roots. [laughs]
They have a laugh and they arrive at
Sam's house. Billy says he's gonna climb
over the fence and open it from the
other side.
When the stepmom arrives and says I
have a better plan why don't i just open
it for you and let you
in, and does so. She then offers the
family a beverage, Billy says he wants
Sam. The stepmother says oh you just missed
her and opens the front door where we
see
Aunt Kate in her bonds. The family
rushes into untie her,
as Kate tells them that they took Sam to
the airport and that they need to go
get her. The stepmom says that no one is
going anywhere, she's Sam's legal
guardian and if anyone tries to
interfere she'll press
charges. Kevin says I hope you do press
charges because as of now,
he looks at his Dad, we're Sam's
attorneys. Grandpa Joe says Dooley and
Dooley. Kevin tells Kate, Billy, and Grace that
they need Sam here to testify, so go stop
the plane,
they runoff. Kevin then says Dad we have
some legal work to do.
He then asks the stepmom if she would
like her attorney to be present,
she just gives a mean look. Snarky: I love how no
one really gives a fuck that like Aunt
Kate was like tied up. Spunky: I know, I was just thinking the same
thing. Snarky: So we're cutting to the airport and the stepsisters are dropping Sam
off and forcing her to get on the plane.
Then Grace, and Billy, and Aunt Kate show
up and approach the girls and it's like
where's Sam? It's like she's on the plane
and like Grace and Kate are gonna like
fight these two girls, they're all like
putting their dukes up. Spunky: One of them
pushes Billy and then Grace goes into
like mama bear mode. Snarky: Yeah.
Spunky: She's like how dare you touch my son. Snarky: Then Billy realizes that the planes left
and he is like super broken-hearted. So
as they're leaving all defeated
guess who shows up? It's Sam
and she's like I'm used to sneaking out
of places, it's fine. So they're gonna go into Aunt Kate's car
but then she's like I got my own car.
She stole the keys to her sister's
convertible. And Aunt Kate's like I've
always wanted to drive one of these
things. And she's like well, have at it and so they drive off. And then
the sisters rush out and of course
realize their car is being driven off
into the sunset. Spunky: And they are pissed. Back at the house
the stepmom says well?
As Kevin says just a minute as he's
going over the documents
to look for any like loopholes or
whatever lawyers do.
Joe asked Kevin what do you think? Kevin
says it looks like she took care of
everything.
The stepmom says that's correct
gentlemen, I have the best lawyers that
money can buy, which obviously you
are not. Kevin says look lady, both you
and I know that the only way to contest
this thing is if Sam's here.
Now only she can tell us if she signed
this of her own free will.
She says you're right, unfortunately at
this very moment she's 30,000 feet and
climbing. So if you're done wasting my time, please
allow me to show you the door.
Kevin says that they're not giving up
even if she dotted an
i the wrong way, they'll haul her ass
into court. The stepmom laughs and then
says please, please, you're scaring me.
Good day, gentlemen. Snarky: But just then
who should arrive but Sam and Aunt Kate
And Sam says hi Mom, I just decided
leaving the country
isn't for me. Billy tells the dad's to
grab the stepmom because she tries to
saunter off away. They catch her and Kevin tells her that
she might want to call those attorneys
now, the really expensive ones.
Then Aunt Kate talks to Sam about what
she wants to
do. She's like you shouldn't be living in
this big house by yourself
and have you thought about what you're
going to do now? And she's like I just
want to wish Meema a happy birthday.
And she's like okay, but if you're open
to some suggestions, I think we can work
something out.
Spunky: So back at the resort, we see Connie and
Dylan making plans to call each other
constantly because they're like in love.
The Jamison at the desk says to the
Dooley parents that the kids are getting
along really well, maybe they'll
all be one big happy family one day.  [laughs] Snarky: And the
parents make like a face, like let's get
the fuck out of here.
Grace walks over and grabs Connie by the
arm and leaves.
The family is outside loading up their
cars when Meema comes out and asks for
everyone's attention.
She says that in the 100 years that
she's been around,
she's seen movies, television, and the
fax invented. She's seen 
people go from horses to cars
to planes, but
she never thought she'd see the day her
family would stop competing with one
another.
She's like why you people actually
appear to like one another.
Now it finally makes sense why the
almighty kept me around
so long. But please don't let that stop
you from fighting now and then,
it's what keeps things interesting. See
y'all next year. [laughs]
Snarky: So Billy and Sam are walking and the weird cousins like keep popping up to
them offering them bugs and gross shit
and whatever else. And then the one girl
comes and wants a piggyback ride like
this
instant. Kate comes up to Sam and
says that she talked to Grandpa Joe
and she's requesting to adopt
Sam, which they're stoked about. Sam's
like you sure you want to do this?
I'm not perfect. She's like yeah, but
you're just the daughter I always wanted
and they hug it out. Then Sam and Billy
go off to a waterfall and Sam thanks
Billy for everything.
He's like I didn't really do anything it
was everyone else. But Sam's like no,
when she lost her dad she never thanked
him for all the things he did for her, so
she wants to make sure to thank people
who are important to her. And then they
make the kissy faces. Billy jokingly says
that maybe he does deserve the thanks
then. Then she kind of backs off and she's
like now that we're gonna be related
should we be doing this? And guess who
just happens to show up at that exact
moment... creepy cousin Amber.
And she's all hey you had a perfectly
good cousin, right here. You didn't have
to bring one in from the outside.
And I'm like girl...no. Spunky: She turns to Sam and says well
may the best cousin win. Like girl, stop.
Snarky: You already lost.
Spunky: So Joe tells Kevin as he's packing up the car that Sam's stepmother has been
turned into the authorities. Even her
brilliant lawyer is gonna have a tough
time explaining how she's been treating
Sam.
But we still got a lot of work to do, so
see in the office on Monday.
Kevin says that he'll be there. Joe says
that he never moved his desk. And Kevin
says that he wished he did because he hated
that view. Joe says that something can be
worked out, they shake hands and then hug.
Grandma Dotty and Grace smile and they
say they're good for getting
Kevin and Grandpa Joe to talk to each
other once again.
Margaret interjects and says of course
you're good you're Dooley women,  if it
wasn't for us this family would have
gone up in
smoke years ago. Meema says are you
gonna get this show on the road or what
or you waiting for me to turn to slush
back here?
Grace and Kevin get in the car when Mark
Sr. and Margaret approach from both
sides. They say that they're going to Hawaii
for a trip and they were wondering if
they could look after Mark Jr. for a
bit. Mark Jr. says he doesn't want to go
with them. Kevin is like you've got to be
kidding.
Mark Sr. says that they kind of
figured that they'd say something like
that so let's make it interesting, how
about one more challenge.
Grace says don't do it, but Margaret
berates him into it.
And then we cut to Kevin and Mark Sr.
doing free throws.
Kevin shoots and it circles the rim. We
then cut back to
the Dooley's driving in the car as Billy
narrates about how he couldn't pick his
family like Sam did. But even though his family is nutty,
he'd still pick them every time.
We see Mark Jr. sitting in the car
next to him. Billy says
not that it would be so bad if you could
trade a relative or two like they do
with players in professional sports. He
then fantasizes about trading Mark Jr.
for a big football player, who then sits
in for the Dooley family photo. And that's
the end of the movie.
Spunky: Thoughts on the movie. Snarky: You know watching this back I still
really enjoyed it. Like Meema gave me so
much life with all her sarcastic banter.
Spunky: Yeah, she was the best. Snarky: It's like people
were there to celebrate her but then
they really didn't give a shit about her,
which kind of like sucked.
Spunky: Yeah, they just cared about winning their
stupid sports competitions.
Snarky: And like showing good face. I still feel
like it stands up as like a feel good
family movie. Spunky: Yeah, there's lots of life
lessons like about how
people should communicate with each
other and stuff like that.
Snarky: And how sometimes you should just be
having fun and not like...
Spunky: take life so seriously. Snarky: Yeah, pretty much. Spunky: Oh, I wanted to tell you, do you know who
Mark Jr. was? Snarky: No. Spunky: Mark Jr. was played by the kid from "A
Christmas Story" Ralphie, but grown-up.  Snarky: Oh. Spunky: That's why I
was like oh he looks familiar but like
he looked different.
Snarky: He looked very different. Spunky: Because he was obviously older
at this point. Anyways, I just thought
that was a fun fact. Again, the special
had a lot of
classic TV actors and actresses in it.
like Jo Anne Worley from Laugh-In. And
Grandpa Joe was
from The Ropers and Three's Company. And Grandma Dottie was in Grease, as the like
assistant to the principal. So it's kind
of interesting to see
just like a lot of famous faces. Snarky: And I think it's rare to
see a TV movie that actually has like a
decent
storyline. Spunky: Yeah, it wasn't like G-rated it
was a little PG at times too.
I remember my Mom made me watch this like
Lea Michelle like Christmas TV special
about them being in Hawaii or some shit.
Spunky: I saw some of that. Snarky: It was just so bad. Some of the dialogue
was just like
not believable at all. So I like some of
the sarcasm of this. There were some cheesy
moments too but I still enjoyed it.
Spunky: And I liked about this, like kind of like
how we talked about with our Salute Your
Shorts episode
last time. It's like the teenagers acted
like, real teenagers. They didn't act
like super fake. Snarky: With the exception of Amber. Spunky: Yeah. [laughs]
I guess we can talk more about having
crushes on our cousins in the brain basement.
Just kidding. Snarky: Umm no, we can't because it didn't happen. [laughs]
But nice try at a segue.
So let's move on to that brain basement
[transition music plays]
Spunky: All right welcome to the brain basement.
Snarky: We're gonna talk about
family reunions and how much fun they
are...
not. Spunky: Thank God our family
is not super competitive like in this
movie because I would be like
we are not doing this shit. Snarky: Yeah, it's
funny because
I've always been very cynical and I've
always felt like I didn't fit in well
with the family. Just because some of our
cousins are like older than
us and so we're not like the right age
group to mesh. But as I've gotten older
I've realized that
some of them don't want to deal with the
family bullshit too.
Which kind of makes me see them in a
different light. Spunky: Yeah.
Snarky: But we're not like super close and so
anytime we'd have to get
together with the family, it'd be kind of
awkward. Spunky: Well I'm just
awkward anyways, in general. I'm very shy
and I'm kind of like the person who
doesn't speak
unless someone speaks to me. Unless I'm
feeling particularly ballsy that day.
Snarky: Yeah. Spunky: So like I'm not one to go up and
start a conversation with someone so I
just feel kind of awkward.
Snarky: I'm not really either because I'm into
things like anime
k-pop and things that normal people my
age aren't into.
But I've had some fun times at family
functions. Spunky: Yeah, I don't hate my family or
anything, but it's just
kind of again awkward or sometimes you
just feel kind of out of place.
Snarky: And there's always like the one person
you don't really get along with that well.
But what can you do you can't pick your
family,
like Billy said. Spunky: We did have a family
reunion once but that was more for like
my mom and her cousins
because we see our family like all the
time because everyone lives locally.
And that was all right. We didn't do any
Olympic events or anything, [laughs]
thank god. Snarky: But I could go for a barbecue
that's for sure. Spunky: Yeah love me some barbecue.  Oh, some guy tried
to steal the food
at that remember? Snarky: Yeah, we were barbecuing
some food and this guy just like came up
into our space and thought he could make
himself some food.
And my uncle was like what's going on?
Like are you hungry?
Like what's happening? Spunky: He did not look
homeless or anything.  Snarky: Yeah, no. Spunky: But
you know, you never know someone's
situation. S&S: But well you could just asked.
Spunky: They would have probably given it to you.
It's not like they would have been like
no, fuck off, or anything. It was hella
random. Snarky: Yeah.
Spunky: Ready to listen to some tunes? Snarky: Let's
do it. Spunky: All right, we'll see you in the
music spotlight.
[transition music plays]
Welcome to the music spotlight where
today's topic is family songs.
These are songs that are by family
member groups
and first on the list is one of Snarky's
favorites. Snarky: Or not. [laughs] Spunky: That she loves to sing all the
time. Snarky: Or not. Spunky: She's lying, she loves it. Snarky: It's
gonna be a
secret no one knows a.k.a. an "MMM Bop" by Hanson.
[sings song]
I swear I don't know the words. Spunky: Yeah, yeah. [laughs] Yeah, you know you love this song.
Snarky: I mean... Spunky: It's your guilty pleasure admit it. Snarky: I don't love it
but it's just, it doesn't make sense and
it's an earworm that gets
stuck in your head. Because it's a secret
no one knows like an MMM Bop
or I like to you know talk about the
hale bopp comet.
Spunky: And go hale bopp do ba dop. Snarky: In the hale bopp you're gone.
[S&S Sing] In a hale bopp you're not there. 
Snarky: I mean, true story
Spunky: In a hale bopp you're wearing Nike's, 
In a hale bopp
you're dead, I don't know. [laughs]
I think I saw something on hale bopp that was on TV
like a couple weeks ago. Snarky: I was watching it. Spunky: Oh. [laughs] Snarky: Yeah, it was about all about the heaven's gate leader.
It was really dark. 
Moving on to some happier things with
number two. Spunky: Which is Snarky's actual favorite song, one of them. Snarky: I
do love this song. [laughs]
This is not even a joke, is The Pointer Sisters "Dare Me."
[sings song]
I love this song. Spunky: Because you got a chip
on your shoulder. So knock it off.
Snarky: It has your name on it. I will knock it
off. [laughs] Spunky: That's like my favorite part. Yeah, this song's a jam. One of the
Pointer Sisters just died like a couple
months ago, so RIP.
Snarky: She's a sister and we'll miss her. Spunky: Yeah. Snarky: Moving along to number three
for another family... Spunky: act. Snarky: It's the Bee Gees and we picked my favorite Bee Gees song,
which is "How Deep Is Your Love."
[sings song]
Ooh, that's really high. [laughs] I was not breaking
that down
and maybe I should have let it be. Spunky: From the "Saturday Night
Fever" soundtrack. Snarky: "How Deep Is Your Love" is the jam,
it is. Spunky: Number four is another sister act. Sister Sledge with "We Are Family."
[sings song]
Spunky: I got my sister with me. I can't get rid of her. Snarky: Rude! [laughs] Spunky: Just kidding.
This is a good disco classic.
And number five is one of my favorites.
I'm laughing just thinking about it.
Snarky: Yeah, 'cause it's not my favorite. [laughs]
Spunky: Because me and our friend sing it at karaoke every time we go.
It's Bros from the UK with
"When Will I Be Famous."
[sings song]
[laughs] I don't know why but I love Bros
because they crack me up.
they have this like weird inflection
when they sing. Where they're like...
[Spunky sings Bros' "I Owe You Nothing."]
Like they always like break it up
when they sing and it's hilarious.
And they came out with a documentary, it
came out in 2018.
That I watched earlier this year. It's on Tubi if you want to watch
it for free, it's called "After The
Screaming Stops" and it kind of talks
about how the brothers reunited after
being apart for like a really long time
and did a reunion tour. Which we were
going to do
songs of the reunion tours, but we didn't. [laughs] We chose family songs instead.
Snarky: Speaking of reunions we're gonna go on
to our honorable mention
which of course is Peaches and Herb
"Reunited."
[sings song]
Even though Peaches and Herb aren't
related. [laughs] We decided to throw this one on
anyways for shits and giggles
because family reunion. And yeah this is
a jam. So yeah, that's it for our music
spotlight. If you want to check out the
songs in full you can check them out on
our website.
Spunky: So thank you for reuniting with us for
our family reunion special. [laughs]
I hope everyone has a great Labor Day
weekend and get some R&R. Spunky: Some barbecue, maybe?
Snarky: I want some barbecue. Spunky: I know that sounds good. Snarky: And we'll meet up again with you in two weeks
for our very special Pokémon
episode. Spunky: Which I know you're looking
forward to because you're the very best
like no one
ever was. Snarky: To catch them is my real test to claim them is my cause. I don't even
know that's right? But we're gonna tell
the very funny story of how I met the
guy who
sings the theme song and you will be
amazed. Spunky: Or horrified, one of the two. Snarky: We'll see
you, have a great Labor Day weekend. Spunky: And if
you would like to drop us a line, you can email us at spunkynsnarkyshow@gmail.com.
You can go to our website which is
spunkynsnarkyshow.wordpress.com
or you can leave us a voice message on
our anchor page which is anchor.fm/spunkynsnarkyshow.
Thanks again. Have a great Labor Day weekend and we'll
see you next time. Snarky: Peace. Spunky: Bye.
[outro music plays]
