- Hi, I'm Jim Gaffigan,
and I'm going undercover on the internet.
Can you believe it?
Don't tell anyone,
but it's actually me.
[Jim chuckling]
[snap]
Ow!
Quora [gasps]...
You know what's so great about Quora?
It's like, you know, we should
have a quorum about this.
"How does Jim Gaffigan treat his fans?"
Well, there's three,
and so those three fans,
they'll get flowers
on their birthday.
I'll send them notes like,
"Hey, just checking in," you know?
I'll send them stationary,
"Jim Gaffigan Fan Club".
Is fan a thing? Is it a fan?
I think people are fans of like Beyonce,
or R. Kelly.
Send.
"Should I take my nine-year-old child
to see comedian Jim Gaffigan perform?"
Yeah, I would say that at my shows,
it is new material, so like if
your nine-year-old only wants
to hear old material, they
might be disappointed.
But there's plenty of kids that
are very kind of sophisticated
with their humor taste.
"How did David Letterman
help Jim Gaffigan's career?"
Look, he's my dad,
so that's probably some of it.
But like he definitely did help me,
and his executive producer Rob Burnett,
because they kind of gave me
a certain seal of approval
in that if Letterman
thinks somebody's funny,
then maybe they're funny.
Because the entertainment industry
is filled with cowards
that don't have opinions.
"How does Jim Gaffigan
produce so much content?"
Magic.
It's very selfish motivation.
Coming up with a new
joke is really rewarding.
And, also, I try and
produce so much content
because I'm trying to
get my dad to like me.
"What was Jim Gaffigan
like in high school?"
I went to a very small high school.
It was 120 students.
There weren't the traditional
roles in my high school,
like a John Hughes film,
of like the jock, and the pothead,
and the bully, and all that.
Because it was such a small school,
everyone did everything.
So I was an athlete.
I tried really hard, studied hard,
and then only got like B pluses.
I was voted funniest.
I was also voted best male body.
I mean I didn't look like this.
But I was in pretty good shape back then.
I mean that was like the 1800's.
Twitter.
Seriously, it's actually me.
"I wonder if Jim Gaffigan gets along
"with raunchy comedians?
"I mean how does one trade hooker stories
"for pizza stories?"
I do have many friends that
are filthy or irreverent.
If someone has a raunchy story,
it's not like they only do raunchy things.
Like, they still have to go to the store.
They're craftspeople working on their art,
which is stand-up, and sometimes
that involves a hooker, I guess.
Send.
Wikipedia.
What about this?
It's actually me.
"Gaffigan's style is
largely observational,
"and his principal topics relate
"to laziness, eating, and parenthood."
Yeah, you know, it's not
like I only think of jokes
about laziness or parenthood.
Why do you need to put me in a box?
You know what I mean?
Just because I'm good-looking
doesn't mean I can't act.
Sometimes in interviews, they'll be like,
"All your stand-up is
all about your kids."
And I'm like, "It's not, really."
It's hard to be me.
I can't believe I even
have a Wikipedia page.
You know what I mean? [chuckles]
"Also, during his routines,
"he will sometimes perform soliloquies,"
you know, 'cause I'm like Shakespeare,
"by using a high-pitched voice
"in the third person,
deliver negative feedback
"on his own performance, such as
"after making a diarrhea joke in his
"2012 special 'Mr. Universe'",
"using the voice..."
This is literally what's written.
Please, if you know how to read or write,
can you update my Wikipedia page?
Still in the same
sentence, "Using his voice
"and saying, 'Really?
"'He's using diarrhea jokes?'
"He calls that voice his
'connection with the audience'."
First of all, I don't call it
my connection with the
audience, but that's all right.
I call it my inside voice.
I am trying to vocalize what I believe
an audience member might
be thinking at the time.
So if I'm talking about horses,
and I've done six minutes on that,
I could speak for the audience,
and go like, "That's gotta be
"the end of the horse jokes.
"I never even wanted to hear
two minutes of horse jokes."
So it makes them a participant in it.
Submit.
"He is also regarded as a clean comic,
"using little profanity in his routines."
I mean that's just [beep].
No comedian wants any other
adjective except for funny.
Clean comedian, yeah, am I clean compared
to some of my friends?
Yes.
Am I good-looking?
Yes!
And by the way, I would also say
it's about authenticity.
So we all have that friend that curses
ridiculously unnecessary amounts,
but it's authentic to them,
where it's not authentic to me,
because Jesus told me not to.
Next.
"As of June 2016, Gaffigan was
"the most popular comic
on all of Pandora.com,
"with over 647 million spins."
647 million?
I don't even know if that's true.
I mean hopefully that's true.
That's amazing.
But like with streaming audio services,
stand-up has changed so dramatically
from when I started,
and I know that I have
a special on Amazon,
and I have some specials on Netflix,
but the streaming service,
the audio streaming services are amazing
at getting people
exposed to your stand-up.
Reddit.
It's actually me.
Like anyone's dying, like, "Is it him?"
"No heckling, Jim Gaffigan and Louis C.K.,
"two great shows, both
on top of their game.
"I was surprised, however, at all the
"'under no circumstances
no heckling at any time,
"'else we'll eject you from the venue'.
"Is this the new thing,
"or just a local midwestern thing?"
First of all, is that why
you're going to a show?
You're like, "Oh, I went
to this stand-up show,
"and I wanted to ruin
the show by heckling,
"and then they had these rules."
I don't, you know, I don't
make any announcement on that.
That might've been the venue,
and I've performed in Omaha many times,
and it's a perfectly fine audience,
so I don't know why that would come up.
Things were "draped over
rows and rows of chairs."
You know how like they have
a rain delay on baseball?
And they put like a tarp out?
What if when the audience came in,
there was a tarp that said, "No heckling,"
is that what you encountered?
Next.
"What are your thoughts
on the dad bod craze?"
Is it true?
I don't think it's true.
Like, I feel like we try
and make things good that aren't good.
They're like, "Dad bods, yeah!"
when everyone's like,
"No one wants dad bods."
IMDb.
You may not believe it, or not care,
but it's actually me.
"Has said that he dislikes being labeled
"as a family-friendly comedian."
Here's what I dislike about
the term family-friendly.
It usually means bad.
Family-friendly restaurants,
family-friendly hotels, brutal.
So, like, I don't want to be
lumped in with the water parks,
because by the way, I have kids,
and I have to go to water parks,
and they're brutal.
"His comedy career began
after a friend bet him
"to do stand-up comedy."
Well, it was a dare,
but yes, that is true.
'Cause I was somebody who was a coward.
I wanted to do it, but I was like...
I grew up in a small town in Indiana,
and I didn't think that it was something
that I could do.
I thought it was just fancy people
on the east coast or the
west coast that did it.
Boom!
Instagram.
"Thinking of baby number six?"
No, I have five kids.
I love most of them.
No, I love them all.
If my wife got pregnant,
I wouldn't be like, "I'm outta here!"
I would obviously open
my exhausted, fat arms
to any gift that was given to us,
because I would hate to be too negative,
and then we do have a sixth kid,
and then the kid looks and sees this,
and they're like, "What is..."
And then they have to
show their therapist,
which probably at that
time will be a robot.
What if, like, in the future,
you had, like, this robot that went around
in your apartment, and
you're like, "All right,
"switch into therapist mode."
And then you're like, "All right,
"switch into sex robot mode."
I'm not saying I would do this.
I'm saying you would, not me.
"Clean my apartment," stuff like that.
I'm just saying I don't know
if I need any more kids.
Posted.
That's it, I'm signing off the internet.
Forever. Until later on.
Wouldn't it be great if I
just threw up right now?
Like, [retches]
