We begin tonight
with a segment about drugs
that we call
"Drugs: Fun But Not Always."
[ Laughter ]
♪ Drugs: Fun But Not Always ♪
Right now
the U.S. is experiencing
the most devastating
drug crisis in its history.
In fact,
if you live in the Midwest,
you're probably snorting opioids
right now.
Drug overdoses
now claim more lives
than car crashes, gun deaths,
and the AIDS crisis did
at its peak.
But drug addiction
has been a problem
in this country for a long time.
So why the sudden
renewed urgency?
Because now
it's affecting white people!
White people,
especially Midwesterners,
can't stop binging on opioids.
In fact, opioids
are one of the few things
that Midwesterners will eat
that's not covered
in ranch dressing.
The crisis has been fueled
by a rise in fentanyl,
a synthetic painkiller
30 to 50 times stronger
than heroin.
It's so powerful
that some police departments
have warned officers
not to touch it.
Last year,
three police dogs in Florida
got sick just by sniffing it.
Even worse, two of those dogs
are now prostituting themselves
at a truck stop.
Which bathroom do they use
is the real question.
[ Audience groans ]
Most of the fentanyl
on the street
is made illegally in drug labs,
so users don't know
what sort of dangerous
byproducts are in it.
Not like that
farm-to-table heroin
we're all used to doing.
[ Laughter ]
And it's not hard to get it
if you really want to.
Soboroff:
The deadly opioid fentanyl
is available to order online
from China --
something my producers and I
easily found
after a simple Google search.
Whoa! The e-mail
already came through!
"Hello. We have a very potent
fentanyl analogue,
very similar in potency
to the original.
We ship to USA.
We only accept Bitcoin as
payment method. Warm regards."
Wow!
Now, I realize
we just showed you
how to buy illegal
dangerous drugs online.
So...don't do that.
[ Laughter ]
So how are we addressing
the problem?
Well, just two months ago,
Donald Trump declared
the opioid crisis
a national emergency...
then immediately did nothing.
So last week,
someone finally got around
to asking him about it.
Jackson:
You said you would declare
a national emergency
more than two months ago.
What's taking so long?
So, we're studying national
emergency right now.
Believe it or not,
doing national emergency,
as you understand,
is a very big statement.
Well...
why do you have to study
national emergency?
Everything you need to know
is in the name --
it's an emergency
that's [bleep] national!
I mean...
[ Cheers and applause ]
I mean, it's nice to see
that the president is studying,
but that just means
that he's been watching
his weekly puppet show
that James Mattis
and John Kelly put on
to explain government stuff.
Trump was about to
confirm a new drug czar,
the guy in charge
of U.S. drug policy.
But not surprisingly,
he turned out to be
comically unfit for the job.
President Trump says his nominee
to be the next U.S. drug czar
is withdrawing from
consideration for the job.
The move by Congressman
Tom Marino to pull his name
comes after an explosive report
that Marino played a key role
in passing a bill
that weakened the ability
of federal authorities to stop
the distribution of opioids,
potentially exacerbating
that epidemic.
The guy Trump nominated
to stop the opioid crisis
was literally making it worse.
Maybe Trump thought the crisis
was that people weren't
getting enough opioids?
That doesn't bode well
for the AIDS crisis.
While the administration
is dragging its feet,
some states have found
a potential solution
in another drug --
medical marijuana.
Man:
A study in the prestigious
 Journal of the American
 Medical Association
found that from 1999 to 2010,
states that passed
medical-marijuana laws
actually saw 25% fewer
opioid-related deaths
than expected had they
not passed those laws.
And it's not just overdoses.
Doctors in
medical-marijuana states
prescribed hundreds of fewer
doses of antidepressants,
seizure medications,
anti-nausea medications...
and 100 more doses
of "Planet Earth" DVDs.
That means that legal weed is a
 huge threat to pharmaceuticals,
and Big Pharma is doing its best
to shut it down.
In Arizona,
a company called Insys
donated $500,000 to an
anti-weed-legalization group.
That's a lot of money
for a company
that only has one product
on the market --
a pain-relief spray made
with the finest fentanyl.
And they even made
a how-to video
for mums who aren't sure
how to do opioids.
You just take that thing
that's 50 times more powerful
than heroin
and spray it directly
into your [bleep] mouth.
Ckk! Ckk!
Mmm! Heroin fresh!
[ Laughter ]
And this is a big part
of why the opioid crisis
has gotten so dire.
Pharma companies
need to turn a profit,
and doctors have overprescribed
opioids for years.
The result is a country
addicted to drugs
that keep getting stronger
and more dangerous.
And because
the Trump administration
is dragging its feet,
I've decided
there's something
I can do to help.
America, I'll be
your new drug czar.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I promise --
I promise you that I've got
more firsthand drug experience
than these other guys.
And I've seen the effects that
drugs can do to the human body.
I'm 24!
[ Cheers and applause ]
But when it comes
to controlled substances,
here's the best advice
I can give you.
You need to trust your dealer.
And these are not the names
of drug dealers that I trust.
