Geoffrey here in this video,
I'm going to show you the
good and bad things to do.
When you find out that your wife or your
partner is having an affair or seeing
some other person. And
before I begin this video,
I want to give you a bit of caution here.
And I really wants you to stick around
until the very, very end of this video,
because what I'm about to say
here, it'll be a bit controversial.
It will go against you. A lot
of what other coaches are there.
Videos will tell you what to do and how
to even interpret the scenario and what
I'm going to say. We'll also, I know,
open myself to some hate
and some criticisms here,
because you might even
offend some of you as well,
but this has been the approach.
That's worked the best for all
my students in mind programming.
If it's worked for them,
I want to make sure that I express the
truth and express what I think actually
works rather than trying
to be politically correct.
So if you're wanting to learn some
alternative approaches and alternative
viewpoints on how to handle this matter
and to stick around until the very end,
because I think you're going
to learn a lot from this video.
And for those of you who
are new to this channel,
my name is Jeffrey and I help
men in longterm relationships
or in marriages with
the right skills, with the right mindsets,
to be able to design a
thriving relationship.
So if you're wanting more
content on this topic,
go ahead and subscribe and click the
bell button as well to be notified when I
post new videos every single
week. Now, before we begin,
I want to let you know that
the registration for the
master class is still open
right now.
So if you want to join the masterclass
and the five proven steps to rebuilding
your relationship from the ground up,
then be sure to stick around till
the very end of this video for the
announcement and how you can get in
on that masterclass to begin this
discussion. Let's talk first about how
most people would approach their partner,
having an affair or even suspecting
their partner, having an affair.
So usually there are four things
that people resort to doing.
One is they condemn their
partner, having an affair.
There's some problem with character.
They say things like, you know,
once a cheater, always a cheater,
you can never trust a cheater. Now,
the implication behind these quotes that
you ring in your head is that being a
cheater is a character or problem.
It's a problem of either who
you are or who you're not.
And once you're a treater,
once you show you're a cheater,
you're forever going to be a cheater.
You can't change that for
the rest of your life.
The second thing that we do is we punish
our partner for having that affair for
even thinking about being with
other people, other men and so on.
So we typically do this by
making our partner feel guilty.
We say things like either
subconsciously or consciously,
how could you do this to us?
How could you do this to us?
When we were been married for 20 years?
How could you be so selfish like that?
Another thing that we do to punish our
partner is maybe we are at a point where
we're suspecting our partner is cheating.
Maybe we discovered something on
their iPad or their text message.
And they don't know that we know,
but we know there there's
something is going on here.
And so you hold it over their heads
and you go, Oh, I know what you did.
I know what you do. We need to have
a conversation. I want the truth.
So you're asking questions here. Yes,
but your questions are really
for her to admit her mistake.
And then once she admits it, you're
going to let the bomb drop on her.
The third thing that we do is we try
to stop the affair from happening
logically. So one thing
we could do for example,
is we start to set a lot of
boundaries around the relationship.
We might track their phone. We
might spy on them a lot more.
We might spit place more logical
boundaries to really stop her from
talking or seeing, or even
thinking about this guy.
And this is also when we become usually
very controlling and very paranoid.
We always ask them, where are you?
Where are you? What are you doing? Now?
The final thing that we do,
number four is we hold the
trust issue over their heads for
weeks, months, or even
sometimes years to come.
So even if your partner tells
you, uh, I'm sorry, I did this.
I don't want to do this ever
again. You tell them basically, Oh,
I don't know if I can trust you anymore.
Basically, we make things really,
really difficult for our partner
because really we feel betrayed.
We feel upset and we can't really handle
the fact that they just had an affair
that she was thinking about other
people. And often very subconsciously.
We are wanting our
punters to do something,
to pay some penance to a total
for their sins kind of mentality.
I don't want you to get any wrong here.
I'm not saying that it's wrong
to think in all these ways.
What I am saying though, is that if
you want to think these four things,
then I'm saying that the breakdown of
your relationship will be inevitable.
And it's just a matter of
time. It's a surefire thing.
So if your partner is having a fair
and you're completely okay with simply
walking away from the relationship
and looking for another partner,
then totally think all these four
things you're going to be fine.
But if you're looking for ways to
actually save your relationship,
to actually reconcile your
relationship past the affair,
then I would suggest that you do. I
don't think any of these four things.
Why do I say this? Because when you
think any one of these four things,
then you are going to
start the cycle of doom.
That's going to lead to the
inevitable end of that relationship.
So to understand what the
cycle of doom looks like,
you need to understand this chain
reaction between your paradigms and how it
leads to an outcome.
So what you need to understand here is
that your paradigms will guide the way
you interpret your role, the way
you interpret the events around you.
And then your interpretations
will also guide your emotions.
When you interpret something,
it will create your emotions.
Then your emotions will ultimately guide
your decisions and your decisions will
eventually lead to an outcome.
So that's the chain reaction from
paradigm all the way to the outcome.
So if your paradigm of your partner
having an affair is that it's a character
problem. It's wrong and really bad.
And this is kind of the end of
the world kind of mentality.
Then whenever you find out, or you
suspect your partner's affair here,
your natural interpretation will
be, Oh, I gotta stop this right now.
This is bad. This is wrong. I
gotta, I gotta take control.
And if that's your
interpretation, your feelings,
your emotions will be that of panic
will be that of worry will be that of
urgency and desperation, anger,
all these negative emotions that really
makes it difficult for you to have any
kind of conversation with your
part. And if that's your emotion,
your natural action will be,
I'm going to punish my partner.
I'm going to control this situation.
I'm going to guilt trip my partner.
I'm going to be angry at my partner and
all of these four things that we talked
about earlier, that's
naturally going to be the case.
And when you have this of paradigms,
interpretations, emotions, and actions,
then the outcome will
be very, very obvious.
The first thing that happens is your
partner now will start to hide some
emotions. And so you can do all
these things to try to punish,
to stop to guilt trip,
to hold it over her head,
to place boundaries around the
affair. So that fair doesn't happen.
But just understand that all these
things you're doing are simply logical
appeals.
But if the reason she's having an
affair is that she's deeply unhappy
with your relationship. There's
something deeply wrong with it.
She feels deeply unfulfilled about
the relationship and she seeking the
fulfillment somewhere else.
Then you can try to do all these
things to suppress those emotions,
but no matter what you do, the
emotions will still be there. In fact,
if you try to suppress those emotions,
the only thing that changes does
that she will try to suppress it.
She'll hide it from you because
she knows that if you find out,
if she tells you about the
affair, for example, her feelings,
you're going to do all this
controlling and needy things.
You're going to place boundaries.
You're going to get angry.
You won't understand.
You'll just get mad at her because she
knows exactly how are you going to deal
with it when you find out
and when this happens,
they will put you and your
partner in a very, very hopeless,
very powerless position. So let's look
at your side first. So on your side,
you're going to feel hopeless because
if you assign this affair to a character
problem, that this is a
sign that she's a cheater,
she'll always be a cheater
forever. Guess what?
You're naturally going
to feel hopeless. Why?
Because character problems are
extremely hard to change. The very,
very hard to change. Thinking
about changing someone's
character is exhausting.
How do you even do that?
The second thing that happens is that
the emotion of why she still wants the
affair,
the emotions of her feeling unfulfilled
would still probably be there because
you're probably too angry, too.
Riled up too panicked to
even ask the right questions,
to ask the right questions of
why is she having an affair?
What is she unhappy about?
Is there a good reason instead you're
busy just blaming and complaining and
getting angry at your partner because
of your paradigms and your paradigms.
Quit your interpretations
and your emotions. Again,
three you'll be left more in the dark
because her desire for the affair is still
going to be there.
The only thing the changes now is that
she's going to make it harder for you to
even find out she's still having
this feelings and having this affair.
So all of these things will place you
in a much more powerless position and a
much more hopeless position
mentally. And you don't even know it.
Most of the time you think
that you're taking control,
you're having more control.
You're having more power by placing
all these logical boundaries.
Actually what's happening
is you're destroying that
safety in the backend on her
side.
And you are putting yourself in a more
hopeless than a more powerless position.
Now, how does this make it more hopeless
and powerless on her side? So if,
if the real reason behind the affair
behind her looking somewhere else is that
she feels deeply unfulfilled. She feels
deeply unhappy in the relationship.
Then you're going to be
placing her in is very,
very different tickled and hopeless
catch 22. And the catch 22 is this.
If she shares her feelings about
thinking about other people,
how deeply unhappy she
is in a relationship,
how is she's actually having
an affair she's going to lose.
Now, she sees, this is how you deal.
With a difficult circumstance.
This is how you deal with difficult
emotions by getting angry, controlling,
and risk responding badly in general.
So she knows that if she shares her true
feelings here that are actually very
sensitive and very difficult, it's
never, never going to end well.
So she loses if she shares,
but she also is doomed if
she keeps it to herself,
because if she keeps it to herself,
then nothing good will happen because
nothing will ever get resolved.
So either way, she goes, she loses. That's
the difficult question, two she's in.
And she also feels this
logic versus emotion crisis.
So logically I think your partner and
most partners usually know that cheating
is wrong. It's actually pretty bad.
So logically they feel guilty.
I feel bad for having this affair
or even thinking about other people,
but emotionally she's still deeply
unhappy in the relationship.
And she yearned for something to get that
fulfillment that she's not getting for
the relationship. And these two things,
the catch 22 and the logic versus emotion
crisis here is going to create this
never ending string of hopelessness
and powerlessness in her mind because
the catch 22 here leads to
more suppression of things
which leads to that logic
versus emotion crisis.
And that's the logic versus
emotion crisis that gets worse.
The catch 22 gets worse and so on
until she is lost whole completely. No,
that's the quote that I want
you to think about here,
which is that you are
free to ignore reality,
but you cannot ignore the
consequences of ignoring reality.
And you can think all you
want via the old paradigms.
You can think that the best way to deal
with this is to tell her it's wrong to
tell her that it's a character problem
to give some boundaries to logic.
We try to suppress her desire
to think about other people,
but just understand that if that's the
paradigm that you choose and that's the
way you choose to see this scenario,
then it will never end well
for the both of you. So again,
if you're okay with moving on from the
relationship, then that's totally fine.
Go ahead and think these things.
But if your goal is to reconcile,
then I suggest that you try to be
open to thinking and interpreting
and doing things a bit differently.
And especially in how you handle
your partner's affair right now.
So then if that's the wrong way, then
what's the alternative here. What's,
what's the good way or the right
ways of handling this. Number one,
change your paradigm to always blame
environmental issues for not just about
this issue, but just about any issue
in your relationship. You know,
this should be a massive
shift in your paradigm,
in your relationship and in life in
general to blame character last for any
problems, any problems with
people or mistakes, blame,
character lost and blame
environment situations first.
So instead of saying you're a cheater
and once a cheater, always a cheater,
I can never trust a cheater ask first,
what is the environmental issue?
What is the situational issue here?
What's been happening in the relationship
what's been happening in your life to
cause you to act this way to cause
you to want to consider other people,
to cause you to want to have an affair.
So when you change your paradigm and this
way you are shifting your mentality or
mindset to actually feeling calmer,
because now when you see that the problem
is actually a situational problem,
it becomes much easier to fix.
It gives you a lot of things to
do that are within your control.
And it gives you better questions to
ask. Because when you ask the question,
what is the, the reason why
you're doing this honey,
that will put your partners
guards down for one,
it will allow for a better
conversation. Often you find some very,
very important pieces
of information, nuggets,
information that can actually help you
create this better relationship and
actually help you understand
what is actually happening here.
What is actually going on here?
And once you adopt this paradigm and
you started asking better questions,
I want you to start rewarding the truth,
getting out whenever the truth gets
out. I want you to reward that.
So regardless of how you find out
about the affair. So if she tells you,
thank her for telling you, honey,
thank you for sharing that
difficult thing with me.
It must've been really hard
for you to share that with me.
I understand that if you
find out accidentally,
then mention it and be grateful.
Tell her how grateful you are that
you found out, you know, the truth.
And I want you to also assure her that
you are okay, that you're taking this,
okay? You're not upset. You're not
angry. You're not going to control her.
You're not going to tell her she's wrong.
And that next time you would simply
love that. She shared with you,
the things that she feels unfulfilled
about, that she would share with you,
the affair in an earlier time
and not keep it to herself.
I want you to actually reward her
sharing with you. If you do this,
this will create a ton of
safety in your partner.
And that safety will be the thing
that removes her from that very,
very difficult catch 22 that we talked
about earlier and this video and that
safety will also reduce that emotion
versus logic gap as well. Because now,
instead of feeling hopeless and
feeling wrong for doing anything,
taking any step, she can at least
have an outlet to share it. Now,
the third thing you want to
do is to actually lean into
the affair and dig deep.
So instead of punishing the
affair and trying to suppress it,
lean into it and actually make this
conversation into a bit of a fun game for
the both of you. So ask her, for example,
what are your fantasies when
you're considering other people,
what are your fantasies that you're
not getting from this relationship?
What are your fantasies in
general about your relationship?
What does something attractive
or something unattractive
she finds about you or
other people perhaps, you know,
as you're watching movies or as you're
going shopping together, ask her,
do you find this person attractive?
What do you find attractive about, Hey,
what do you find unattractive about this
guy? What do you think about the shirt?
What do you think about this whole vibe?
So I want you to have fun in
the process of digging deeper,
to understanding what is she
actually fantasizing about?
What is she actually missing
from this relationship right now,
the goal behind making this a
game is to find out for yourself,
what do I need to change about myself?
Why do I need to change about
the culture of our relationship?
What better environments can I create
in the relationship to where she doesn't
need to feel so unfulfilled anymore?
And I don't want you to stop this
game until you can say, you know what?
Now that I understand it, from
your perspective, if I were you,
I would have done,
I would have thought I would have felt
exactly the same things as you did.
And if you're, let's
say saying to yourself,
you're digging deeper and you're
saying to yourself, okay, Jeff,
I understand where she's coming
from. I understand why she's unhappy,
but I don't understand why she
goes so far as to considering other
relationships. She goes so
far as to having an affair.
If you're telling yourself that
then you haven't dug deep enough,
that's really the crux of it is you
haven't really dug deep enough because you
can't say those magical
words of if I were you,
I would have done and thought
exactly the same thing.
So that's where you are at.
I want you to dig even deeper and ask
the question like, for example, okay.
So you're unhappy. You're
unhappy in the relationship.
I guess I'm a bit confused any
on why you had to resort to
cheating and not come
to me about it first.
How come you didn't come to me about how
unfulfilled or unhappy you were first
and asking that question will yield a
lot better answers that you can actually
work with that actually lead to
better understanding as well.
So it's always possible to get to
this point of saying, if I were you,
I would have done it and thought exactly
the same thing. So no excuses here,
guys, and these conversations
can sometimes be a long time.
It can take weeks or months sometimes
for you to actually understand what is
actually happening in the relationship,
but be patient and have fun
with the process of discovering.
And this is the same process that I show
all my students and it's been working
wonderfully for them.
And I'm sure that if you change your
mindset and you approach it in a different
way, you're going to find really, really
good answers for yourself as well.
And actually feel more
hopeful about this scenario.
And if you ever feel impatient,
if you ever feel upset during this
whole process is usually when your mind,
once again, reverts to blaming
character. So whenever you feel upset,
whenever you feel impatient,
let that be a red flag and
switch your paradigm again,
to try to blame the environment instead.
And once you find the core of what she's
missing and what you need to do better,
how you need to evolve yourself.
I want you to be able to
actually evolve yourself.
So self evolution is something that we
prioritize in our program quite a bit.
I want you to literally change your
mindset so that you can become this
shapeless character,
shapeless water that can evolve
to whoever you want to become.
Whoever you need to be to
accomplish what you need to create.
So many people are stuck in
their identity of who they are.
They have this small bubble of their
likes and dislikes, who they are,
who they're not what they're good
at, what they're not good at.
And so when it comes to actually creating
this environment with your Potter,
it can feel liberated
to feel fulfilled in.
They struggle with that because they
say, Oh, what you want is really not me,
but I want you to become this
shapeless character, aware,
whatever your partner wants.
You can embody that. No problem,
because you are like the shapeless water
that can evolve to whatever you want to
become. In fact, the quote again,
is that true freedom and true power
is not about doing what you like and
avoiding what you dislike. If you do that,
you're being enslaved by
your likes and dislikes.
True freedom and power is
about understanding how to
become whoever you need to
become to accomplish whatever
you want to accomplish.
And as a lot of people are hearing,
you're going to be complaining.
A lot of people are going
to be complaining. Okay.
Are you trying to enable my partner
having an affair? Are you saying like,
this is okay. That's not what I'm saying.
You're misinterpreting everything I'm
saying, I'm actually trying to disable it.
I'm actually showing you that this is
the best way to disable that affair.
If you want again, to walk away from the
relationship and never see her again,
because you can't handle it and you
want to look for someone better,
someone you can trust then. So be
it walk away and pick someone else.
And if you're really thinking
that by trying to control,
suppress and place
boundaries around the affair,
you're actually trying to disable
it. You're completely wrong. Again,
like we talked about, but all
you're going to do, if you do,
this is simply suppressed or something.
And now you put yourself in a more
hopeless and powerless position where you
don't know about it.
She's going to do a better job of actually
hiding it because the emotions are
still going to be there.
So if your objective is actually work
through the affair and reconcile a
relationship,
then this would be the best paradigms
and the best actions for you to take,
to actually disable that affair.
And I want you to also see that
this also puts you in a really nice,
no loose position. So if in fact
it is an environmental issue,
the affair happened because she feels
deeply unhappy about the relationship.
Then you win big because you're actually
in the right mind and asking the right
questions to actually learn a lot
of things of how you can change,
how you can do better and actually
remedy the situation and give her that
fulfilled the relationship that she wants.
And if it turns out that
it isn't character problem,
that she either she does like to cheat,
she has no idea Tegrity then it's also
a win because you understand here what
you could have done better for your next
relationship. Sure. Because honestly,
if it's a character problem,
that relationship was never
going to last. Anyway,
you're going to need to look for another
relationship. Anyway, at some point,
at least now have the right tools.
You have the right knowledge
to be able to go. Now,
I know what I can do better next
time. But if you think the other way,
if you think about blaming it as a
character problem, trying to punish it,
trying to logically suppress it,
then you are going to be in a lose
position no matter what happens.
So if it ends up being
an issue, mental issue,
where it was because of
her feeling unfulfilled,
then you lose big because this was the
real relationship that you could have
totally done something about. You could
have totally saved, but you couldn't,
and you didn't save it because you
had the wrong paradigm about it.
And if it ends up being
a character issue, again,
you lose because of your mentality,
your mentality prevented you from
actually asking the right questions.
Then it gets better answers. Instead,
you're too busy blaming and being angry.
And so you don't learn anything
new for your next relationship.
So a lot of people well end up just
repeating the same cycle over and over and
over again in the relationship and not
ever knowing why it's happening to them.
So if you want more minds that shifts
and more frameworks that you can use to
think in a more positive way about this
whole scenario to actually take more
productive actions about this scenario,
then I want you to check out the
masterclass on the five proven steps to
rebuilding your relationship
from the ground up,
and also want you to check
out the relationships rebel
program by joining this
master class as well, every single day,
our students are mastering this process,
the mindsets, a different ways
of looking at your relationship.
So you can get lots of wins and successes,
even though you may be going through
this very difficult situation,
like your partner,
having an affair and the success and
the wins are happening every single day
guys. So if this sounds like something
you want to do, or you want to explore,
then I want you to click
the link up of my head.
Also down in the comments below in the
description box below this video as well,
who register for that masterclass. And
if you'd like to apply for the program,
you'll have the opportunity to apply
for the program at the end of the
masterclass and submit your
applications. So again,
if this master class sounds like
something you want to explore,
then I want you to click the links above
my head and also down below to register
for that.
And if you're looking for a free resource
that can help you guide conversations
better,
especially the difficult conversations
that lead to lowering of defensiveness,
uh, increase safety,
and also allow you to find win-wins
better in your relationship.
Then I want you to download the free
guide I have for you above my head,
also down below this video as well.
And if you're looking to join a community
where you can post your questions and
actually get some good
advice about those questions.
And I also want you to join me in my free
Facebook group down below this video,
as well. In the meantime,
do leave a comment below on
what you find most insightful,
most eyeopening about this video.
I'd love to hear your thoughts.
So leave a comment below
with your thoughts.
And if you found this video
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content like this one. And for now,
I just want to leave you with this two
other videos to equip you with more
skills and more mindsets
and more knowledge,
more frameworks for you to design a
thriving relationship for yourself.
And with that, I'll see
you in the next week.
