-Wishing your man was here
He would be a handful.
[ Piano plays tender tune
But, wow, do you miss him.
Now, you don't have to.
[ Upbeat tune plays ]
Introducing My Drunk Boyfriend
the only life-size doll
guaranteed to make you fee
like your man is
right there with you.
And he's hammered.
[ Laughter ]
[ Upbeat techno pulses ]
[ Whimsical tune plays ]
-The new Amazon Echo
has everyone asking Alexa
for help.
-Alexa, what time is it?
♪♪♪♪
What the hell is wrong
with this blasted thing?
Amanda!
-But the latest technology
isn't always easy to use
for people of a certain age.
-These kids done bought me
a busted machine again.
Odessa!
-That's why Amazon
partnered with AARP
to present the new
Amazon Echo Silver,
the only smart speaker devic
designed specifically
to be used by the
Greatest Generation.
It's super loud
and responds to any name
even remotely close to Alexa
so they can find out
the weather...
-Allegra, what is
the weather outside?
-It is 74°° and sunny.
-Huh?
-It is 74°°
and sunny.
-Where?
-Outside.
-What about it?
-The temperature outside
is 74°° and sunny.
-I don't know about that.
-...the latest in sports..
-Clarissa, how many
did old Satchel
strike out last night?
-Satchel Paige died in 1982.
-How many he get?
-Satchel Paige is dead.
-He what, now?
-Died.
-Who did?
-Satchel Paige.
-Ah.
I don't know about that.
[ Laughter ]
-...even local news
and pop culture...
-Anita!
What them boys up to
across the street?
-They are just playing.
-They what, now?
-They are just playing.
-You say they just playin' now
-Yes.
They are just playing.
-I don't know about that.
[ Laughter ]
-Pair it to smart devices,
like your thermostat.
-Alessandra,
[weakly] turn the heat up.
-The room is already 100°°
-Are you trying to kill me
Alisade?
-The new Amazon Echo Silve
plays all the music
they loved when they were young.
-Angela!
Play Black jazz!
-Playing, uh...jazz.
[ Sultry jazz plays ]
-It also has
a quick-scan feature
to help them find things.
-Emelia, where did I put
the phone?
-[sigh] The phone is
in your right hand.
-And, it has an "Uh-huh" feature
for long, rambling stories
-So then I gave him $5
and he said I only gave him $1
-Uh-huh.
-I said, "I know
I gave you a five.
-Uh-huh.
-'Cause I only had a five
and a one on me.
-Uh-huh.
-And this the $1 right here.
-Uh-huh.
-So, I mean,
you tell me who's crazy.
-Amazon Echo Silver.
Get yours today.
I said, Get yours today!
To order Amazon Echo Silver,
send a check or money orde
to amazon.com right now.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Upbeat tune plays ]
-We've all been there.
It's your first trip
to New York City
and you've got your perfec
Times Square selfie
all lined up.
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
And your big melon
takes up the whole photo.
Fail!
What to do?
-I'll tell you what.
You need the original
selfie stick.
-Get in here, you guys!
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
-♪♪ The revolution ♪♪
♪♪ Is beginning ♪♪
-This thing is great, but my
arm's getting really tired
and I wish I didn't have
to hold it up the whole time
-Got ya covered, girlfriend.
Take a gander at the new
hands-free selfie stick.
-Hands-free?
-That's right!
With this,
you won't have
to hold it at all.
-Awesome! Unh!
-Now, you're in total control.
[ Laughter ]
-It's really, really up my butt.
-Sure is!
-Try it!
♪♪♪♪
-Using it is easy.
When you wanna take a picture,
just clench.
[ Camera shutter
clicks ]
-Ah-uh!
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
[ Camera shutter clicking
-I love it.
I never leave home without it.
Smile!
-Why?
-So you look cute
in the picture.
-It takes pictures?! How?
[ Laughter ]
[ Camera shutter clicking
Unh-unh! Oh, that's how.
[ Camera shutter
clicks ]
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
-♪♪ The revolution ♪♪
♪♪ Is beginning ♪♪
♪♪ So tell me do you have
♪♪ That feeling? ♪♪
-Unh!
-Unnnh!
-Aah!
[ Music climbs ]
-Free up your creativity.
With the original
hands-free selfie stick.
-It's the best!
-I can barely feel it anymore!
Smile!
-♪♪ The revolution ♪♪
[ Camera shutter clicking
♪♪ Is beginning ♪♪
-Unh!
-The hands-free selfie stick
[ Applause ]
-Like a lot of people,
I love to smoke.
But my friends and family always
make me go outside to do it.
So that's why I now use e-meth
It's crystal meth,
but electronic.
So it produces vapor,
instead of smoke,
and that means
I can ride the ice pony
anywhere I want.
[ Laughter ]
-Smoking is a social
thing for me.
Without my meth pipe,
I don't know what
to do with my hands.
But, now, I do know what
to do with them --
smoke meth.
[ Coughing ]
It's good.
-Thanks to e-meth,
now, I don't even need
to leave the bar to get
my sweet shabu shabu.
Mama can smoke that chunky
white crunch anywhere.
At the office.
[ Ring ]
At the grocery store.
In a bathtub in the
middle of the road.
Or face-down,
in a big old tire.
-E-meth is healthier because
it doesn't contain antifreeze,
but, it still has
that great meth taste.
-E-meth lets me get totall
gacked up on whoop chicken
without yellowing my teeth
-Ohh!
-See? Perfectly white.
[ Laughter ]
What?
Hello. This is he.
-Thank to e-meth,
I can now even smoke
inside my favorite restaurant.
-Excuse me, sir.
You can't smoke meth in here
-It's okay.
[chuckle] It's electronic.
-I don't care.
You in my livin' room.
And you nekkid!
[ Laughter ]
-[Coughs]
-[Shouting]
-[Cries out]
-[Both shouting]
-E-meth is not for everyone.
Talk to your doctor if you
experience body rot,
face melt, painful death,
or fatigue.
[ Laughter ]
-E-meth.
Ya know it's good
'cause it's blue, bitch.
[ Cheering and applause ]
[ Upbeat tune plays ]
-Shopping online is
as easy as it gets.
[ Pop! Pop! Pop! ]
Wouldn't it be great
if hiring plumbers...
[ Ding! ]
...carpenters...
[ Ding! ]
...and even piano tuners
[ Ding! ]
was just as simple?
Now it is, with ARON's List.
With just a few clicks,
you can find anyone,
from a handyman
to a house cleaner.
-Like Angie's List?
-Sure. Except we offer price
30% lower than our competitors
-Wow! Where do you find
these guys, Aron?
-[laughing] Oh.
I'm not ARON.
ARON stands for the
American Registry Of Nonviolen
sex offenders.
[ Music stops ]
[ Laughter ]
-What?
-Look,
no one wants to hire
the bad kind of sex offender
That's why ARON's List
only features
nonviolent individuals
who committed low-level
sexual misdemeanors,
like streaking,
public urination,
missed the cutoff
on statutory stuff,
toilet camera,
and penis pranks.
And their offender status
makes them eager
to find jobs of any kind.
-Huh! So, do you have
lawn specialists?
-I'm sorry
and I'm ready to work!
-What about janitors,
for my small business?
-There are literally
thousands of us.
-Even dog walkers?
-I'll do it.
-And they'll always be
upfront about their offenses
-I exposed myself
on a jumbotron.
[chuckle]
Take that, kiss cam.
-I peed in all the file cabinets
marked "P."
-Wow. Where have you guys
been all my life?
-Let's just say living
in a tent village
under the highway.
[ Laughter ]
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
-ARON's List --
because the real crime
is high prices.
[ Jaunty tune plays ]
-Whoo!
-I hope you're having fun.
I know it sucks
Brad's outta town.
-Yeah, you know,
but it's still nice
to have some me time, right?
-There she is.
-Babe, stop.
-What? I can't help it.
I love you so much.
-Oh!
-Whoa!
-Watch it, guy.
-Oh, you wanna fight me?
Let's get it, bro!
-Okay, that's my cue.
I gotta get him outta here
-Okay. I'll see you guys later
-You'll never find love
like this!
-Okay, that's enough.
[ Piano plays tender tune
-Wishing your man was here
He would be a handful.
But, wow, do you miss him.
Now, you don't have to.
[ Upbeat tune plays ]
Introducing My Drunk Boyfriend
the only life-size doll
guaranteed to make you fee
like your man is
right there with you.
And he's hammered.
150 pounds of dead weight,
and you get to be
his babysitter.
Designed to mimic the behavior
of the sloppy grown man
that you can't get enough of
Programmed to say
over 200 unique phrases.
-[slurred] I think I'm gonna
take piano lessons.
-It's always a fun night
with My Drunk Boyfriend.
-"Cops"!
I wanna watch "Cops."
-You'll love hearing
about his big plans.
-I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna call my boss and quit.
-Or when he cries
over a dead relative
he's never mentioned before.
-[Sobs]
-Ohhhh.
-My uncle!
-Ohhhh.
-[Sobs]
-How sad.
-My uncle!
-With My Drunk Boyfriend
beside you,
you'll never miss out
on a night of rolling him
over when he snores.
And, oh, no! Watch out!
[ Ding! ]
My Drunk Boyfriend
has a timer set
to get up in the middle
of the night
and pee into your hamper.
-No, no, that's the laundry.
♪♪♪♪
-Good-good, right?
-Plus, with the new My Drunk
Boyfriend Expansion Pack,
you'll get all sorts
of accessories.
Like pants that don't come
all the way off,
a charred frozen pizza
that he brought into bed,
a glass of water he will ignore,
and just one more beer.
My Drunk Boyfriend.
He's a problem.
But he's your problem.
-From the makers
of My Drunk Girlfriend.
-[slurred]
Are you mad at me?
-Yeah. I'm mad at you.
[ Cheering and applause ]
-Hey, Mom.
-Hey, Ben.
Guess who got arrested.
-Who?
-Kevin Summerland.
-Who?!
-You know, Calvin Sonogram
-Oh, do you mean
Kiefer Sutherland?
-Yes, that's it.
-Oh. [chuckle]
-Moms. They love us
and they take care of us.
But one thing they can't d
is remember celebrities' names
Now you don't have to wast
hours a day trying to decipher
which celebrity
your mother's referring to
with the new
Mom Celebrity Translator.
Simply enter the name
as pronounced by your mother..
-Kite Carbonaugh.
-Then, enter whatever
vague information
your mother knows
about this person.
-She's on TV
and she's crazy.
-And, seconds later,
you'll have the translation.
-Ohhh!
Kim Kardashian!
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, she's crazy.
-Honey, who do you
think is cuter,
Rabbi Renaldo
or Champ Crawdaddy?
-Oh, you mean Ryan Reynold
or Chase Crawford?
Yeah, neither.
I like Jake Gyllenhaal.
-Who?
-It even works backwards.
-Sorry. Joe Geronimo.
-Oh.
I love Joe Geronimo.
He was so good
in "Breakdance Fountain."
-And the Mom Celebrity
Translator even comes
with audio playback, so moms can
hear the right pronunciation
-Keith Ragu.
-Keanu Reeves.
-Ohhh!
-That's what I said.
-The Mom Celebrity Translator.
Look for it wherever
Mom products are sold.
So...Ann Taylor.
♪♪♪♪
