WELCOME TO THE "LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
I HOPE EVERYONE IS STAYING SAFE
AND WARM TONIGHT BECAUSE WE'RE
EXPECTING A BLIZZARD WITH UP TO
18 INCHES OF SNOW FROM WHAT THE
WEATHER CHANNEL HAS DUBBED
"WINTER STORM STELLA."
FOR THE LATEST ON THE STORM,
LET'S GO TO THE WEATHER
CHANNEL'S JIM CANTORE.
>> STELLA!
>> Stephen: THANKS, JIM.
YOU STAY SAFE OUT THERE.
( LAUGHTER )
YOU THINK HE WOULD BE WEARING A
WINTER COAT.
SURPRISING HE'S DRESSED THAT
WAY.
QUICK REMINDER -- THE WEATHER
CHANNEL HAS NO AUTHORITY TO NAME
ANYTHING.
THEY ARE NOT PART OF THE
GOVERNMENT.
IN FACT, I HAVE AS MUCH
AUTHORITY TO NAME THINGS AS THEY
DO, SO, BECAUSE WE'RE EXPECTING
18 INCHES OF SNOW, EVEN THOUGH
IT WAS 60 DEGREES LAST WEEK, I'M
CALLING IT "WINTER STORM: CRAZY
BALLS."
( SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YEAH, MUCH MORE LIKELY.
>> Jon: PRETTY CRAZY.
>> Stephen: SPEAKING OF CRAZY
BALLS --
THE GOP'S HEALTH CARE PLAN CAME
OUT LAST WEEK AND, SO FAR, IT'S
POPULAR WITH EVERYONE... EXCEPT
DOCTORS, HOSPITALS, THE
INSURANCE INDUSTRY, PATIENTS,
THE ELDERLY, DEMOCRATS,
REPUBLICANS, MORTALS.
( LAUGHTER )
YEAH.
THESE MORTALS, THEY NEED SO MUCH
CARE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THIS AFTERNOON, THE
CONGRESSIONAL BUDGET OFFICE
RELEASED ITS OFFICIAL ANALYSIS
OF THE GOP'S HEALTHCARE BILL AND
FOUND 24 MILLION AMERICANS WILL
LOSE COVERAGE UNDER THE PLAN.
( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>> OH, MAN!
>> Stephen: OKAY, OKAY.
KEEP IN MIND, THAT'S 24 MILLION
PEOPLE BY 2026.
WITHOUT HEALTH INSURANCE, A LOT
OF THOSE PEOPLE WON'T LIVE THAT
LONG.
( LAUGHTER )
YESTERDAY, SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE
AND PERSONAL TRAINER WHO HIGH
FIVES WAY TOO HARD PAUL RYAN
WENT ON "FACE THE DICKERSON" TO
GET AHEAD OF THE CBO REPORT.
>> THE ONE THING I AM CERTAIN
WILL HAPPEN IS CBO WILL SAY,
WELL, GOSH, NOT AS MANY PEOPLE
WILL GET COVERAGE.
>> STEPHEN: "WELL GOSH!
NOT AS MANY PEOPLE WILL GET
COVERAGE.
GEE WILLICKERS, I NEED CHEMO!
CHEESE AND CRACKERS, I CAN'T
AFFORD TO GO TO THE DOCTOR.
HOLY TOLEDO, I SHOULD'VE
IDENTIFIED MY NEXT OF KIN,
BECAUSE...
FIDDLESTICKS, I'M DEAD!"
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
YEAH, DOESN'T SOUND SO BAD WHEN
ITS FOLKSY.
GOSH, GOLLY!
( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF )
SO, ANYWAY, A LOT OF PEOPLE
COULD END UP LOSING THEIR
HEALTHCARE.
SPEAKING OF LOSING IT --
DONALD TRUMP --
( LAUGHTER )
AS YOU ALL RECALL, A WEEK AGO
THAT DONALD TRUMP PINCHED OUT A
COUPLE OF EARLY MORNING TWEETS
ACCUSING BARACK OBAMA OF
WIRETAPPING TRUMP TOWER BEFORE
THE ELECTION.
TRUMP OFFERED NO EVIDENCE AND
THEN
DEMANDED THAT CONGRESS GO OUT
AND FIND SOME EVIDENCE.
WELL, TODAY IS THE DEADLINE SET
BY CONGRESS FOR JUSTICE
DEPARTMENT TO TURN OVER ANYTHING
THAT MIGHT EXIST.
SO FAR, BRACE YOURSELF, NOTHING.
( LAUGHTER )
WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHO COULD HAVE PREDICTED THAT?
EVERYONE, INCLUDING PAUL RYAN.
>> HAVE YOU SEEN ANYTHING TO
SUGGEST THERE ARE WIRETAPS?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T EVEN
WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT FOR A
SECOND?
>> NO.
OKAY, BUT PRESIDENT TRUMP HAD
FOUR TWEETS SPECIFICALLY
ACCUSING --
>> NO.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
SO, THAT MEANS YOU'RE GOING TO
CANCEL THE
INVESTIGATION?
>> NO.
>> STEPHEN: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
WHAT YOU SHOULD SAY ABOUT THIS?
>> NO.
>> STEPHEN: RYAN'S REACTION
ISN'T SURPRISING.
TO BELIEVE TRUMP'S CLAIMS, YOU'D
NEED A SHAKY GRASP OF REALITY,
AND ZERO REGARD FOR THE TRUTH.
SEAN SPICER TODAY --
( LAUGHTER )
SEEMS LIKE A GOOD GUY.
SEEMS LIKE A GOOD GUY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IF SOMEONE HAD TO REPRESENT ME,
I'D GO WITH SEAN SPICER.
>> Jon: YEAH.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: TODAY, SEAN SPICER
ATTEMPTED TO
DOWNPLAY THE PRESIDENT'S WIRETAP
CLAIM.
>> THE PRESIDENT USED THE WORD
WIRETAP IN QUOTES TO MEAN
BROADLY SURVEILLANCE AND OTHER
ACTIVITIES.
>> STEPHEN: SEAN, I THINK YOU'RE
GRASPING AT "STRAWS."
( LAUGHTER )
I THINK YOU'RE A FUNNY BUNNY.
I DON'T LITERALLY MEAN GRASPING
AT STRAWS.
I MEAN "DEEPLY TROUBLED."
( LAUGHTER )
THEN SEAN GOT A LITTLE "SPICY."
>> THE BOTTOM LINE IS, THE
QUESTION THAT YOU STILL HAVE NOT
ANSWERED IS--
>> I HAVE ANSWERED IT!
>> CAN YOU SAY AFFIRMATIVELY
THAT, WHENEVER THE PRESIDENT
SAYS SOMETHING, WE CAN TRUST IT
TO BE REAL?
>> IF HE'S NOT JOKING, OF
COURSE!
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: OKAY!
IF HE'S NOT JOKING!
HOW HARD IS IT TO TELL WHEN THE
PRESIDENT IS JOKING?!
THE PRESIDENT MEANS IT UNLESS
HE'S JOKING. AND IT'S EASY TO
TELL.
I MEAN, JUST LOOK AT THE OATH OF
OFFICE.
>> PRESERVE, PROTECT AND DEFEND
THE CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED
STATES SO HELP ME GOD.
BAZINGA!
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HE ALWAYS THROWS
THAT ON THE END, RIGHT?
BAZINGA!
AND SPICER WASN'T THE ONLY
MEMBER OF TEAM TRUMP CLEANING UP
THE TWEET STORM.
ADVISER AND STEP-MOM WHO IS
TRYING TO REPLACE YOUR MOTHER,
KELLYANNE CONWAY, EXPLAINED
YESTERDAY THAT JUST BECAUSE
THERE'S NO EVIDENCE THAT HIS
PHONE WAS WIRETAPPED DOESN'T
MEAN TRUMP IS WRONG.
>> THERE WAS AN ARTICLE THIS
WEEK THAT TALKED ABOUT HOW YOU
CAN SURVEIL SOMEONE THROUGH
THEIR PHONES, THROUGH THEIR --
CERTAINLY THROUGH THEIR
TELEVISION SETS, ANY NUMBER OF
DIFFERENT WAYS, AND MICROWAVES
THAT TURN INTO CAMERAS.
>> STEPHEN: IT'S TRUE.
IT'S TRUE.
( LAUGHTER )
MICROWAVES THAT TURN INTO
CAMERAS.
HOW DO YOU THINK WE FILM THIS
SHOW?
JIM, SHOW CAMERA THREE.
SHOW 'EM WHAT WE'VE GOT OVER
THERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THERE IT IS.
( PIANO RIFF )
BUT, CONWAY'S MICROWAVE HEATED
UP ONLINE, SO TODAY SHE
EXPLAINED TO CHRIS CUOMO WHY HER
CLAIMS MAY HAVE BEEN A LITTLE
OFF.
>> CHRIS, I'M NOT INSPECTOR
GADGET.
>> Stephen: YES, OKAY, CHRIS?
INSPECTOR GADGET HAD ALL SORTS
OF TOOLS AT HIS DISPOSAL: GADGET
SKATES, GADGET 'COPTER...
KELLYANNE CONWAY ONLY HAS ONE
MOVE: GO-GO ALTERNATIVE FACTS!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF )
THEN SHE KEPT TALKING.
>> I DON'T BELIEVE PEOPLE ARE
USING THE MICROWAVE TO SPY ON
THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN.
HOWEVER, I HAVE -- I'M NOT IN
THE JOB OF HAVING EVIDENCE.
>> STEPHEN: OKAY... WHO HAS THE
EVIDENCE JOB?
BECAUSE IT'S CERTAINLY NOT PAUL
RYAN OR TOM PRICE, AND IT WOULD
BE NICE TO KNOW IF OBAMA WAS
SPYING ON EVERYONE THROUGH THE
POPCORN SETTING ON OUR
MICROWAVES.
( LAUGHTER )
( DING )
OH, EXCUSE ME.
MY HOT POCKET'S DONE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OH, MMM, MMM!
MMM!
OH, MMM...
AHHH!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪
BY THE WAY, PRESIDENT OBAMA, I
MISS YOU!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ACTUALLY, CAN I COME IN THERE
WITH YOU?
CAN I JUST -- CAN I JUST -- CAN
YOU PLEASE -- CAN I JUST -- I
JUST WANT --
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
♪
( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: NICE.
>> Stephen: WE NEED A BIGGER
MICROWAVE.
NOW I WANT TO TALK ABOUT DONALD
TRUMP, BUT NOT THE PRESIDENT.
THE ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE HE'S WET
ALL THE TIME, DONALD JR.
( LAUGHTER )
HE WAS AT GOP FUNDRAISER
THIS WEEKEND IN TEXAS, AND HE
REALLY KNEW HOW TO WIN OVER THE
SAYING, "YOU GUYS GET IT.
YOU UNDERSTAND THE FREEDOMS ...
SO MANY OF WHICH WE'VE LOST
WHERE I COME FROM IN THE
PEOPLES' REPUBLIC OF NEW YORK.
I CAN SAY THAT AND MEAN IT
BECAUSE I SEE IT."
DUDE, YOU LIVE ON THE UPPER EAST
SIDE.
THE ONLY THING YOU SEE ARE
GOLDENDOODLES WEARING RAINSHOES.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF )
>> Jon: COME ON!
( STEPHEN MAKING HISSING SOUND )
( LAUGHTER )
A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE BEEN
WORRIED ABOUT CONFLICTS OF
INTEREST BECAUSE TRUMP SENIOR
OWNS THE TRUMP ORGANIZATION.
HE'S TURNED IT OVER TO HIS SON,
AND DON JUNIOR ASSURED THE CROWD
THAT, SINCE HIS DAD TOOK OFFICE,
QUOTE, "I BASICALLY HAVE ZERO
CONTACT WITH HIM, AT THIS
POINT."
OH...
THANK YOU
( CROWD SAYS, OH... )
A LITTLE LATE BUT THANK YOU.
POOR DON JUNIOR.
IT REMINDS ME OF THAT OLD SONG,
"THE CAT'S IN THE CRADLE AND THE
SILVER SPOON.
THE SILVER FORK AND THE SILVER
PLATE, THE GOLDEN TABLE, AND THE
GOLDEN BED, AND THE GOLDEN
TOILET SEAT, YEAH, DADDY'S GOT A
GOLDEN TOILET.
♪
♪
♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
"WHEN YOU COMIN' HOME DAD,"
"I CAN'T TELL YOU, SON."
IT VIOLATES THE EMOLUMENTS
CLAUSE, SON.
IT VIOLATES THE EMOLUMENTS
CLAUSE."
♪
♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
EWAN MCGREGOR IS HERE.
BUT, FIRST, I'LL TALK ABOUT
ANOTHER TRUMP CRONY WHO'S
COZYING UP TO THE RUSSIANS.
STICK AROUND.
