It is 11:59 and 59 seconds.
This happened in America today.
For months, voters across
this great land of ours,
and also Michigan,
have been tasked with...
the incredible responsibility
of choosing our next president.
And, boy,
have they been blowing it.
-(laughter)
-But...
a field that started
with 21 presidential candidates
and one precocious schoolboy
who snuck in to the debates...
(laughter)
...wearing his big brother's
jacket-- adorable--
has been narrowed down to five.
Tonight we welcome two of them
to our stage
for a very special extended
hour-long presidential debate
here on @midnight.
(cheering, applause)
Thank you.
(whooping, shouting)
Now, we're hosting them
not only because...
they are polar
political opposites,
but they both seem to have
a ring of authenticity
to their supporters
that bucks the traditional
political system.
They're both very active
on social media,
one as a socialist,
the other as a sociopath.
-(laughter)
-And...
they're here to desperately
pander for your votes
on the first ever @midnight 
presidential debate...
-("Hail to the Chief" playing)
-Thank you. Yes, of course.
(cheering)
Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome our first candidate,
Donald J. Trump!
-♪ ♪
-(cheering, applause)
Mr. Trump.
-Thank you very much.
-Thank you.
-Wonderful.
-Thank you for being here.
Thank you for being here.
Please take your position
in front of the lectern.
(cheering and booing)
TRUMP: Get 'em out of here!
Get 'em out of here!
-Get 'em out of here!
-Mr. Trump, we...
we're not going to eject
anyone from the audience
just for booing you.
-Um...
-Waterboard them, then.
-We're not gonna waterboard
anyone. -Kill their families.
-Kill their families.
-That's your solution
for everything, sir, that's
your solution for everything.
And also...
your opponent tonight,
Senator Bernie Sanders!
-♪ ♪
-(shouting, cheering, applause)
-♪ ♪ -Thank you.
-(loud cheering continues)
PEOPLE (chanting):
Bernie! Bernie! Bernie!
-(chanting continues)
-Thank you.
Thank you.
(chanting stops)
HARDWICK:
All right. Excellent.
Gentlemen, welcome. Thank you
very much for being here,
giving us your time here
on @midnight.
You had a lot of choices
and you came here,
-and we appreciate it.
-(phlegmy coughing)
Are you all right,
Senator Sanders?
(exhaling through nose)
(exhaling sharply)
(sputters)
I don't think this guy's
gonna make it to the election.
I mean, are you kidding me?
Unbelievable.
All right, Don,
save it for the issues.
HARDWICK: All right,
uh, it is now time to start
with our candidates in place
the first ever @midnight
 presidential debate.
Here we go.
-♪ ♪
-(cheering, applause)
Welcome to @midnight.
I'm Chris Hardwick, and I'm
wearing a very expensive tie.
Our guests tonight are the stars
of Trump vs. Bernie, the Debate,
premiering April 27
at 9:00 p.m. on Fusion.
But make no mistake, this is
definitely Trump and Sanders.
-Uh...
-(laughter, whooping, shouting)
-Thank you. -Thank you.
-Probably.
-Thank you. -Before we begin,
I'd like to remind the crowd
to please be respectful--
don't shout anything out,
like, "Lick me, Granddaddy,"
or, "Eat (bleep), you
racist orange (bleep) stain."
-(laughter) -These are
presidential candidates,
they're not (bleep) boys
for your amusement,
and I would like you
to please keep that in mind.
This is very serious
and very important,
perhaps the most important thing
you'll see
on any television network.
-Now we're gonna offer them each
-(phlegmy cough)
30 seconds
for opening statements.
Senator Sanders,
we'll begin with you.
Thank you, Chris.
My brothers and sisters,
we are winning hearts,
we are winning minds,
and from time to time
we are winning states.
(laughter)
(whooping, applause)
Idaho...
Utah...
Arizona, I thank you.
Uh, two and a half of those,
I thank.
(laughter)
We are very pleased
that as of today,
it's just been announced
we won the endorsement
of a very important group,
the Soy and Tofu Packers Union.
(cheering, applause)
I thank them
for their endorsement.
We've got some
tremendous supporters.
I am backed and endorsed
by one half
of Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young,
which is also two-thirds
of Crosby, Stills & Nash.
(laughter)
And look, we are winning
amongst some key demographics,
and I think it's important
to keep in mind.
Amongst voters
who shop at Whole Foods
and yet feel guilty
about shopping at Whole Foods,
we are winning 92% of the vote.
(cheering)
HARDWICK:
All right.
Amongst... voters
from households
where the primary mode
of transportation is a bicycle,
we are winning 88% of the vote.
HARDWICK: All right,
thank you, Senator Sanders.
-I'm sorry, Senator Sanders...
-And if I might, Chris,
-Well, I know, but... -with
voters under the age of 21,
-we are winning 120%
of the vote. -All right...
We are winning,
and we will continue to win
because the top one percent...
(speaking gibberish)
All right, thank you,
Senator Sanders.
-(cheering, applause)
-TRUMP: Excuse me. Excuse me.
I would... I would like to...
I would like to remind everyone
to try to stick to time.
Uh, Senator Sanders went
about an hour and a half
beyond the 30 seconds, uh...
You'll have to forgive me--
I haven't been on TV
this much all year.
-Unbelievable. -All right.
Uh, Mr. Trump, Mr. Trump.
Well, thank you very much, Chip.
-Let me tell you...
-Okay.
-(laughter)
-this country... this country,
we're losing, we're losing.
We don't win anymore.
We don't win anymore.
And we're gonna start winning.
I'll tell you first,
I had the same policy
on women as I do the Chinese,
which is that 'Gina
is our enemy.
And I'll tell you this, 'Gina is
our enemy, I'll tell you that.
We started out with 17 people
on the island,
and Scott Walker,
uncanny Valley android face,
got knocked up.
And I have received a rose
in every single ceremony
since then.
We got to go through it.
Unbelievable.
I mean, Iowa, I'm gonna test
hydrogen bombs in Iowa,
-(laughter)
-I can tell you that.
I came in second,
I dug a hole in Iowa...
I dug a hole in Iowa
on the way out,
and I sexually assaulted
the state, I can tell you that.
But here's the point,
very important...
I mean, Jeb Bush,
very low energy guy,
very low energy guy.
He was the Terri Schiavo
of presidential candidates,
I can tell you that.
Those eyes clicking
back and forth.
Someone put a needle
in his neck.
-(laughter)
-And... you know,
and here's the thing,
I love Chris Christie.
Great guy.
I love Chris Christie.
But he is a big guy.
I threw a paper clip at him
during one of the debates,
and it went into orbit,
and I promise you
if I become president
we will name it a moon
in our solar system,
I guarantee you that.
-Uh, Mr. Trump... Mr. Trump...
-And I will tell you this,
Carly Fiorina will be
the new White House horse,
I'll tell you that,
-I'll tell you that. -All right,
thank you, Mr. Trump.
All right, that's all the time
we have for intros.
-Uh...
-I think there is some contrast
between the candidates
you see on stage.
This might not be
the debate you get,
but this is the debate
you deserve!
-All right, thank you very much,
Senator Sanders. -(cheering)
All right, gentlemen, very
thought-provoking discourses,
but we have to take
a quick break.
We'll be right back,
continuing our @midnight debate
with Donald Trump
and Senator Bernie Sanders.
when we return.
Welcome back to the @midnight 
presidential debates.
I'm the host of everything,
Chris Hardwick.
Ripped from today's
Internet headlines,
it's RapidRefresh.
(cheering, applause)
We're gonna be talking about
a wide variety of issues today,
uh, gentlemen,
a lot of Internet issues--
you seem to be familiar
with that.
Let's begin.
Voters, you've heard...
SANDERS: I do have a modem,
yes, thank you...
Okay, good.
I have a Mexican guy
who reads the Internet to me.
-Wonderful guy.
-Thank you.
Wonderful guy.
Hello, Paco.
HARDWICK:
Voters...
Every crazy thing he says
just makes him more popular.
-It's unbelievable.
-TRUMP: I'm a demon.
I'm a demon.
I'm a demon on earth.
Uh, now, you've heard
these two comments
on a wide variety of political
topics on other news programs
and on debates, but we're
about to show you the Internet,
and we want to discuss
these topics
that affect Internet Americans.
Our first topic is:
Environmental Activism.
Environmental Activism.
The state of the environment
is a very real concern
to everyday Americans,
which is why
millions of Web users
were glued to their laptops
this weeks
following the story
of a crazy dude in a tree.
Here we go.
This is a...
bearded man who was in Seattle,
he climbed the majestic conifer
Tuesday, refused to come down,
throwing apples and pine cones
at officials
and generally... generally being
the most Seattle person ever.
-(laughter, whooping)
-Um...
Perhaps, uh,
perhaps most disturbingly,
the tree never
actually gave consent.
-Um... Senator Sanders,
-(laughter)
the tree man came down
earlier this afternoon.
But how do you respond
to this growing trend
-of tree dwellers? -Sure.
I thank you for that question.
Let me say this.
And when I say that, what I mean
is I'm gonna say something.
(laughter)
As the only candidate
running for president
who has himself lived
in a tree...
-(laughter) -I believe I have
some clarity on this issue,
and I think what we see
is a vision of the future.
I support tree dwellers,
and I believe
it's a fantastic way
to solve the housing crisis,
by having people climb up trees
rather than cut them down.
-(cheering, applause)
-Thank you, Senator Sanders.
Uh, Mr. Trump...
Mr. Trump, I'll throw
the question to you.
How do you respond?
I will tell you, I've had
a number of my friends
murdered by trees--
Sonny Bono, terrible.
Edward Kennedy, okay?
The guy from whatever
that Taken movie is,
Liam Neeson, his wife.
-All murdered by trees.
-(jeering)
Terrible, terrible.
Trees are terrible.
And I promise you this,
if I become president,
we will get rid of every tree.
We're gonna turn... we will
turn every forest into glass,
-I guarantee you that.
-All right.
We got to use these nukes.
We haven't used them in years.
All right, uh, points for...
points for Mr. Trump,
also points to Senator Sanders.
Next topic:
The Judicial Branch.
With the debate raging
over filling
the upcoming
Supreme Court vacancy,
Sarah Palin is getting her own
Judge Judy style courtroom show.
This is not a sketch.
This is a real thing
happening in your real world.
Now, some critics have
pointed out that Sarah Palin
doesn't even have a law degree,
but on the other hand,
not being qualified
to do something
has never stopped Sarah Palin
from doing anything.
-So... some legal experts
-(laughter)
are concerned about she's
gonna pass sentence on others
when she can't even get
past a sentence herself.
Take a listen.
We believe...
Wait, I thought
fast-food joints?
Eh. Don't you guys think
that they're, like,
of the Devil or something?
That's what...
Liberals, you want to send
those evil employees
who would dare work
at a fast-food joint
that you just don't believe in,
thought you wanted to...
I don't know, send them
to purgatory or something.
And it just goes on and on.
Since the frighteningly
unqualified Sarah Palin
will now be judging
in a court of law,
please suggest a case
Judge Palin might preside over.
Uh, Senator Sanders,
let's start with you.
Okay, fair. Look,
I have a class action lawsuit,
it is called 
 Sanders v. Vlasic Pickles.
I am suing them. I'm tired
of trying to take the lid off
and having to run it
under hot water.
And I think that big pickles
should be broken up
into its constituent spears.
-(laughter)
-But I will add,
I did not vote
to confirm Judge Judy,
and I will not vote
to confirm Judge Sarah Palin...
All right. Thank you.
Points. Points, Senator Sanders.
(cheering, applause)
Mr. Trump.
Sarah is a beautiful woman.
Very, very beautiful woman.
Wonderful female.
Great skin.
Incredible skin.
I'll tell you this right...
I wouldn't even be
paying attention to this, okay?
-I'm sorry, Kyle. I will
not pay attention to it. -Okay.
I don't care.
I don't care what she says.
I'm just looking at her
and thinking
about me sliding somewhere,
I'll tell you that.
And here's the most...
I'll tell you,
like a sloop,
it's like the Olympics.
And I'll say this,
I put the mute on,
because she does,
she makes no sense.
It's gobbledygook.
I'd have her...
I will have her mouth sewn shut
if I become president.
-All right. Thank you. I guess.
-(cheering, applause)
Audience seems to support that.
I will give you points
on behalf of the audience.
Candidates,
throughout the debate,
we're gonna be asking you
questions
submitted from people online.
Our first one covers
the important topic of religion.
Top of religion--
always a topic
people are comfortable
speaking reasonably about.
-Uh...
-(laughter)
Twitter user
@WayneASchneider asked:
Uh... Trump,
let's start with you.
I love the Bible.
I've read the whole book.
I love the Bible.
Great book. Incredible book.
I love Corinthians.
I love both of them.
I think they're incredible.
-(laughter)
-I love their leather.
I love their leather.
And I'll say this,
I really do, I love it.
And I'll say,
the Book of Jahb,
incredible book.
-HARDWIDK: Oh, the Book of Job,
yeah. -Incredible book.
Jobs is in the Bible.
Jobs is in the Bible.
If our president wasn't reading
the Quran, maybe he'd know that.
-(laughter, gasps)
-But here's the point,
very important, very important.
Jesus, most boring part
of the book, are you kidding me?
He's a very boring guy.
They should've chopped him up
into pieces.
They should've chopped him up.
Why did they crucify him?
-He came back like Voltron.
Unbelievable. -(laughter)
Unbelievable.
I would be a way better Jesus.
Way better Jesus.
Way better Jesus.
All right, uh, I will, based
on the audiences' reaction,
points to Mr. Trump on that.
-Senator Sanders. -Look,
I'm not like Jesus at all.
There's nothing in common.
Uh, I'm far older
than Jesus ever was.
(laughter)
I don't know, maybe
he would have run for, you know,
emperor of Rome or something
if he'd lived as long as I did.
But let me say this.
I am not particularly religious,
however I do have
a holy spirit-like effect
on Vermonters
and Vermont-like people.
Wherever two or more
Birkenstocks are gathered,
I am in their midst!
-(applause, whooping)
-All right, points.
Points now to Senator Sanders.
Sorry to interrupt.
I hate to fudge the American
people in the buns like this,
but we need to go
to a quick commercial break
to pay off this flag that
we spent all of our budget on.
We'll continue
our @midnight debate
between Donald Trump and
Bernie Sanders when we return.
Thank you for joining us.
Welcome back to the @midnight
 presidential debate.
I'm Chris (bleep) Hardwick.
Our next issue: agriculture.
Very important
to the United States.
Candidates, both of you
have very strong roots
in the world of farming.
Senator Sanders, you've lived
near farms both in Vermont
and before cities were invented.
Donald, uh, you've been
raising an animal
on your scalp for several
decades, which I believe...
technically counts
as the livestock industry.
Proving just how important
agriculture is
to the American people,
uh, this image
from ruthlessrellik
was at the top of reddit.
It shows a chicken
crossing a road right there.
Now, judging by the chicken's
blatant disregard for others,
um, and also his coloring,
I'm guessing a Trump supporter.
Candidates, why did
this chicken cross the road?
Why did the chicken
cross the road?
Uh, let's start
with you, Mr. Trump.
Well, I want to say something
very important, okay, Chuck?
And I want to tell you this,
it's very important.
Very, very important.
I've been to this intersection.
This is right on the border.
Okay? And that's... I am telling
you that's an immigrant chicken.
I'm telling you right now.
And there are many
Mexican chickens.
I've been to Mexico,
I've seen the chickens.
We've got to find out
if this is a rapist chicken
or a murderer chicken.
And I promise you this...
I promise you this:
we are going to build
an incredible coop--
an incredible coop--
along the southern border.
I guarantee you that.
I guarantee you that.
I guarantee it.
All right, points, points.
Senator Sanders?
Look, Chris, I think it's
important to understand
that I was made aware
of this story
and I immediately, uh, went down
to have a listening tour
and I sat down
with the chickens.
And I heard their concerns.
And I talked to relatives,
family members
of this particular chicken,
and it turns out
he crossed the road
to draw attention
to the crumbling infrastructure
the chickens have to face
every day of their lives.
A middle-class chicken
is not able to raise
the same number of eggs
that they were 40 years ago.
Their coops are in disrepair,
and if I am president,
I promise that I will spend
billions of dollars
on chicken wire.
They deserve better,
just like human beings.
All right, thank you,
Senator Sanders.
-Points for that.
-Unbelievable.
Unbelievable.
We have another...
Uh, Mr. Trump,
-you're saying unbelievable?
Is there... -Unbelievable.
Just unbelievable.
We should wipe 'em all out
-and use their eggs
just like women. -Okay.
All right. Uh...
We have another question
from the Internet now.
@Renie_Rivas asks
"What would your position be
within a Human Centipede?"
Um...
Let's start with you this time,
Senator Sanders.
That's a fair, question, Chris.
I believe that, for sure,
I would not be in the top
one percent
of the Human Centipede,
with the bankers and the people
who are up there
in charge of everything.
I would be in the bottom 80%,
along with everybody else,
but I would fight to strengthen
the middle class
within the Human Centipede.
All right.
Thank you, Senator Sanders.
I'm not, uh...
I'm not 100% sure
that a person at the front
of a Human Centipede
has any more power than anyone
in the Human Centipede,
but, uh...
Well, look, I... No, I disagree
with those numbers.
Look, if you want to fact check
that, Chris, I can show you
some numbers.
I've read the documents.
I r... I read for two weeks
all the printouts and documents
and reports I could find
on Human Centipede.
It's tragic, what they
go through. But I think...
the disappearing middle class,
the thorax of the centipede,
needs to be enhanced
so that these creatures
-are able to have a healthy
overall... -Excuse me.
-All right, yes.
-Excuse me.
-Mr. Trump,
your rebuttal. -Excuse me.
-Points, Senator Sanders.
-First off, I would do
a Human Millipede,
'cause it's way bigger--
more legs,
far more luxurious.
I'll tell you that.
Absolutely.
A Human Millipede would be
so much bigger, I'll say that.
I... We... I only do millipedes,
I'll tell you.
But my position in a Human
Centipede would be in the corner
jerking off watching those
people. I don't do that.
-All right.
-I don't do that.
Poi-Points for your honesty.
I do not jerk off,
and I... This is a very
important distinction
between me and Mr. Trump.
I do not jerk off.
I-I don't need to.
I do things...
You know, with no hands.
Hands-free,
that's the way I handle it.
I have ejaculated three times
during this debate.
-And if I might...
-Yes, Senator Sanders.
If I might--
I have not ejaculated
since Jesse Jackson won
the 1988 Georgia primary,
and I saved
that ejaculate in jars
for future use.
Thank you, Senator Sanders.
Mr. Trump.
I'm... envisioning
all of that now.
I'm envisioning,
uh, pumpkin spice latte
-coming out of you, and...
-That's right.
...and clouds of evaporated milk
shooting into the ether.
And I'll tell you, that pumpkin
spice latte's a double shot.
I can tell you that.
It's definitely a double shot.
Thank you very much, Mr. Trump
for activating my gag reflex.
It's actually rice milk.
Gentlemen, we have to pause
this illuminating discussion
to shove our (bleep) minds
back into our skulls.
We'll continue our debate
with Senator Bernie Sanders and
Donald Trump when we come back.
-♪ ♪
-(cheering, applause)
Welcome back to the @midnight
 presidential debate.
I'm less-wealthy Ryan Seacrest.
If you're just joining us,
we're forcing Senator Bernie
Sanders and Donald Trump
to compete for points
on a fake Internet game show.
Let's continue.
Next up, tech innovations.
Tech innovations.
A very key part of our economy,
of course, is the tech sector.
There are some exciting
new innovations
from one of the industry's
leaders, PornHub, of course.
Um, Senator Sanders,
now, this is a Web site
the young people visit to see...
Oh, I understand, yeah, sure,
it's a www, what do you want?
I... Well, nothing.
I just... I wasn't sure
if you were familiar with the
PornHub, it's the... Uh, l...
To put it in context, ty-type of
nudity that you might recognize
from, uh, oh, like those,
uh, saucy playing cards
your buddy brought back
from the war.
Yeah, sure, I understand it.
A nickelodeon picture.
-What do I need to know? -Yeah,
it's like a nickelodeon picture.
Uh, Mr. Trump, uh,
you know PornHub as a place
for many of your
future ex-wives. Uh, we...
-Very low blow, low blow. Very
low blow. -No, I... I'm not...
-All right? I watch...
-Do you mean your category?
I watch home movies of my
daughter, I can tell you that.
All right. Well...
-Keep it in the family.
-All right, they...
they made waves this week, uh,
by announcing plans
to give away free VR goggles
for their new channels,
featuring virtual reality films.
Let's take a look at the film.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa!
It's VR porn, Dad.
With your very own headset.
I-It's like you're really there.
♪ ♪
So, this brings up
a very interesting question.
Uh, porn for the elderly--
what does it look like?
Senator Sanders.
What would you like to see in
a blue movie for the AARP set?
First of all, I want to point
out that is exactly why
you wear boxers and briefs.
All right.
Look, I think I would largely
leave pornographic policy
to the states to decide.
I will say this, however:
I believe that special interests
have no place
in our money shots.
And I would move
to have corporations
have their influence taken
out of pornographic pictures.
And also, Chris,
on a personal level,
I wouldn't mind seeing
some virtual reality porn
where they are able
to recreate Betty Boop,
so I can once again fantasize
about performing cunnilingus
on my favorite pinup model,
Betty Boop.
All right, thank you,
Senator Sanders.
I just, um...
Just as a...
just as a quick, little point--
uh, you know, Betty Boop
is an animated character,
-not a real human being.
-Oh, sure, no,
I had a fun time
when I was young.
All right. Good.
Uh, Mr. Trump, to you.
What makes a good adult film?
I personally enjoy
Japanese crying films.
I like those girls crying...
I like 'em crying.
And I'll tell you--
China is ahead of us
on robot octopus tentacles.
They are.
They're ahead of us and we ship
38% on robot tentacles
going into women.
China does it all.
America does not corner
the market, and I'll say this:
if I become president, every
young woman in the United States
will have a large octopus
tentacle inside them.
I'll guarantee it.
I promise you that.
I love seeing them cry
because it reminds me
of how they lost the war.
All right, uh...
I feel very bad
about giving points for that,
but the audience
seems to decree it.
One more question. From American
Twitter use @hgreen568 asks
"Why don't ghosts just fall
through the Earth?"
Senator Sanders.
There was a time in this country
where we took care
of our ghosts.
And the reason that ghosts
did not fall through the earth
was because there was
a social welfare wa...
there was a social welfare
safety net
to keep them from falling,
and that has eroded
since Reagan was president.
And I promise, as president,
I will give the ghosts
a fair shot,
just like I will human beings.
Because ghosts are just
very elderly people.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me,
I do want to say one thing.
I want to say one thing.
I promise you this:
if I become president I am
gonna make a lot more ghosts.
-I guarantee you that.
-All right.
I will make a lot more ghosts.
I... We're gonna...
-There's gonna be so many
ghosts. -Now, a lot of...
a lot of people, uh, there
seems to be a growing trend--
a lot of people very upset,
uh, most ghosts as depicted
in film and television
always tend to be white.
Uh... Senator Sanders, would you
like to comment on that?
Sure. Look, I...
I understand that I am
what is known as a white male.
And I'm on Tumblr,
so I know that's wrong.
I have educated myself
through a number of,
uh, enlightening reblogs.
And let me say this--
in my administration,
I think the ghosts will be
diverse, just like my cabinet,
like everybody around me.
And the ghosts
in a Sanders administration
will be multicolored like
the ghosts in a Pac-Man game.
Ah, thank you very much.
Points to Senator Sanders.
-Mr. Trump.
-Unbelievable.
We just have a little
bit of time left in,
uh, in this part of the debate.
Uh, any comment
on ghost diversity?
I... First off, I'll say
something very, very important
about ghosts, okay?
They wear white sheets.
They wear white sheets, we don't
know what's underneath them.
-All right. -We don't
know what is underneath them.
Much like a great company
that supports me.
An incredible energy company
that supports me
called Triple-K.
Incredible energy company.
There's this British guy,
he's a duke.
His name is David. And he
tells me about this new...
this incredible,
new alternate energy
called white power--
unbelievable.
And apparently...
apparently white power
has been running this country
for 350 years. I had no idea.
All right. Um...
I think I'm...
I think I'm...
I'm not... I wasn't trying
to get your attention, Chris.
I just always hear music
and sometimes
I like to play along.
All right, excellent.
That brings us to the end
of Rapid Refresh.
No points
for Mr. Trump's answer.
That brings us to the end
of Rapid Refresh:
Presidential Debate Edition.
We are going to decide,
once and for all,
who will end up
in the White House
by the end of this show.
We're gonna be holding
a special Presidential
#HashtagWar later on.
We're gonna continue
our @midnight debate
with Donald Trump and Senator
Bernie Sanders when we return.
 Our tweet of the day
 from last night's #HashtagWar
 was presented by Burger King
 and from @MyLittleGarrone.
 Well done.
Welcome back to the @midnight
 presidential debate.
The only presidential debate
that is relevant..
AUDIENCE (chanting):
Bernie! Bernie! Bernie!
...to your interests
and will determine... Please.
Uh, that will determine
once and for all
who will end up
in the White House.
Let's jump right in with another
question from the Internet.
@BlazeaceofAces8 asks
"Who is the better kisser?"
Who is the better
kisser?
Senator Sanders,
let's start with you.
Well, look, it's hard for me
to tell for sure,
'cause I can guarantee
I'm never kissing Donald Trump.
But I do...
Look, I make my wife very happy.
We have nice romantic times up
in Lake Champlain
where we go out on a boat and
we read each other statistics
from the Bureau
of Labor Statistics.
All right, thank you.
Uh, points to Senator Sanders.
Mr. Trump.
When I was 13 years old
I went in to have my first kiss
with a lovely, beautiful girl
who I had purchased from Dubai.
My father bought her for me.
And she shamed me
and my mouth has been
perpetually stuck
in a kiss since then.
I see. I see.
Senator Sanders, uh...
-What do you need?
-Follow-up question, uh...
how do you feel
about Muppet rights?
Look, Chris,
that's a fair question.
I understand
that I look like I'm running
for president
of The Muppet Show.
But let me say this:
I believe that we owe it
to young Muppets,
Fraggles, to make sure
that they are able
to go to college for free.
And I also believe
that older Muppets--
Statler and Waldorf--
should be able to see a doctor
to look at their Muppet holes
when they need it.
HARDWICK:
All right, thank you.
-(cheers and applause)
-Points Senator Sanders.
-Excuse me. -Mr. Trump,
you have a rebuttal?
Excuse me. First off,
I have worked with Doozers
my entire life.
Doozers are incredible builders.
They used to work on Fraggle,
and they built incredible
buildings for me.
And it's...
And the Fraggles eat them.
The Fraggles eat them,
let's not forget that.
-That's true.
-And I'll say this,
I mean, these Sesame Street,
unbelievable.
I mean, Cookie Monster, this guy
is so addicted to cookies,
I heard he sucks felt in the
alley behind Sesame Street.
I did. I heard it.
Interesting.
I heard he sucks felt.
I mean, that's hearsay.
You don't know that
for a fact. You're just...
I don't know what...
I don't know anything,
but I say things
and then hope people...
and then I hope...
I hope people commit acts
of violence as a result.
-HARDWICK: Points.
-Donald,
I think that gay panic
and shaming of sex workers
has no place on Sesame Street
or on Main Street.
-Let me tell you...
-(cheering)
Hold on, excuse me.
-Yes, yes, and another rebuttal.
-Excuse me.
Okay, Kim, listen to me, I'm
going to tell you right now.
-That's not even a man's name.
-Okay? I...
I'll tell you this.
I'll say this right now.
I don't have a problem
with gay issues.
Bernie and I line up on this,
okay?
It doesn't mean we're gonna run
a train on each other,
but we do line up.
And I'll say this.
I support lesbians
picking up wood in Vermont.
-I think it's fine. Whatever
you want to do is your... -Oh.
My state was mentioned.
I believe I get a response.
Mr. Trump, I will have you know
that lesbians picking up wood
in Vermont
-is our number two industry.
-Wonderful.
Wonderful. Hold on. Excuse me.
Excuse me.
I have no problem with that.
I love
the lesbian wood industry.
China is sending
Chinese lesbians to pick up wood
for half the price.
And China's...
How many Chinese lesbians are
we gonna have come over here and
pick up wood? I want American
lesbians to be picking up wood.
-All right. -I want American
lesbians to pick up wood.
I don't need
these Chinese lesbians.
America, the choice is clear.
The choice is yours.
You can elect the Monopoly Man
with a bag of money for a head
or you can elect me,
the boot from Monopoly,
and I will modify the game
so that nobody goes to jail!
You just keep passing Go
and collecting $200!
-Get out of here. -Okay. Okay.
Thank you. -That is, uh...
-I'm sorry.
-Forget about it. -Thank you.
It's now time for our live
challenge, Attack of the Ad.
Attack of the Ad.
Now, candidates, let's pivot
to an important part
of the American political
tradition. I'm talking,
of course, attack ads.
Tearing your opponent down
from everything from hand size
to the way their hair looks
like the pubes of an elderly
yeti, it's a very effective tool
for swaying voters and-and
kind of takes everything away
from the real issues so people
don't have to think too hard.
Take, for example, this classic
2010 ad by Carly Fiorina
on her opponent, Tom Campbell.
ANNOUNCER:
Your current brilliant solution
 to California's budget mess?
 A wolf in sheep's clothing.
 A man who literally helped put
 the state of California
 on the path to bankruptcy
 and higher taxes.
Very salacious indeed.
It is craven, to be sure,
but I do think
that two vicious old grumps
could do even better.
So, candidates,
your challenge is to create
an attack ad against
your opponent. All right?
We'll get your answers after
the break. We'll be right back
with more @midnight 
Presidential Debate 2016.
(cheering and applause)
Welcome back to @midnight's
 Presidential Debate 2016.
Before the break, I gave you
a no-holds-barred challenge
asking you to make political
attack ads against one another.
Let's see what you came up with.
Mr. Trump, we'll start with you.
I'm Donald Trump.
Bernie Sanders, this guy is
only three years older than me,
but he looks
absolutely terrible.
He looks like the Templar
at the end of Last Crusade,
and America needs
to choose wisely.
Bernie Sanders
shouldn't be president.
He's gonna be eating alone
in a Denny's
for the rest of his life.
Do we really want a president
who seems like he always has
old soup on his lip?
It's gonna be like watching
 Death of a Salesman
for the next four years.
Kids, listen up.
He's not your grandpa.
He's gonna slip and die
in a bathtub,
and then we'll be stuck with
Vice President Whoopi Goldberg.
And who wants that?
I am the president
that America deserves.
I can tell you that.
-All right.
-There we go.
Senator Sanders,
let's see your ad.
Okay, look. Uh,
yeah, it's me, Bernie Sanders.
They want me to do an attack ad.
I don't want to do...
I'm running a clean campaign.
I don't got time
for that bull(bleep).
So in the interest
of radical transparency,
I am going to run an attack ad
against myself.
Bernie, you're a jerk.
You're a real piece of doo.
You stink. Literally.
You smell like old bananas, and
nobody knows better than you.
You look like Ray Bradbury.
Where do you get off, you bum?
Literally, where do you get off?
You're asleep on the subway.
I'm Bernie Sanders,
and I approve this message.
But I do not approve
of Bernie Sanders.
We're done.
Very interesting approach.
Very negative. Very negative.
I'm gonna... I'm gonna give, uh,
1,000 points to Mr. Trump
for not blinking
during his entire ad.
I'm gonna give 1,000 points
to Senator Sanders
for ruthlessly attacking himself
for some reason. We now turn
to the subject of war,
specifically the Hashtag War.
Now...
tonight...
we're wondering what it would be
like if Senator Sanders' finger
was on the button, especially
one that does something
other than alert
his flight attendant.
Uh, what would Mr. Trump do
as head of state,
besides negging Angela Merkel?
Well, gentlemen, now is your
opportunity to go head-to-head,
mano a mano. Tell the voters
what the world would look like--
this is your final chance
to get their approval--
if you were sitting in the Oval
Office, with tonight's hashtag,
#IfIWerePresident.
#IfIWerePresident.
Uh, examples might be
"our national parks would become
national golf courses" or, um,
"the White House
would get a chairlift."
Either one, either way.
Um, we're gonna go back
and forth on this one.
Let's start with you,
Senator Sanders.
Okay. If I were president,
"Hail to the Chief" would be
played by the band Phish,
and it would take 25 minutes
every time I walk into a room.
All right, points.
Mr. Trump.
If I were president,
we would have
the first lady-daughter
of the United States.
I'm disgusted. Points.
Senator Sanders.
If I were president,
I would put
the rich Wall Street bankers
in the same prison
that Magneto goes in,
but they would not be let out
for any sequels.
All right.
Points to Senator Sanders.
Mr. Trump.
If I become president,
I am gonna hunt down Rosie
O'Donnell like Osama bin Laden.
Points.
Senator Sanders.
If I were president,
I would institute
a national Netflix account
with one password
so we are no longer burdening
our seniors
for their Netflix passwords.
Points to Senator Sanders.
You're applauding that,
but do you know what that...
you'd end up watching
if everyone were
-on the same account?
-They don't even understand.
They don't even understand.
It would be Bones all day long.
That is the end
of the Hashtag Wars.
That means it's time for our
closing statements, For the Win.
Very important part of the show.
Uh, Definitely Trump,
Absolutely Sanders came here
to determine who,
once and for all, would be
the next president
of the United States.
Uh, we have a-a lustrous history
on this show of people
winning debates and then going
on to take the White House.
You both came on
to this fake Internet game show
to show the American people that
you do understand the Internet.
Both of you are representative
of social media's ability
to give everyone a voice,
regardless of how orange
or hunchbacked they might be.
As such,
your final challenge tonight,
it only makes sense for you
to show the Internet
that you know how to speak
their language.
I'm talking, of course,
about emoji, uh,
the primary means
of communication
for both teen girls and people
pretending to be teen girls
in order to catch predators.
Candidates, I would like you
to deliver one last message
to the American people tonight.
We're gonna have our candidates'
answers and name the leader
of the free world
when we come back
on @midnight Presidential Debate
2016.
(cheering and applause)
Welcome back to @midnight.
It's now time for For the Win.
I'm gonna wipe your scores
clean,
rendering all the gameplay up to
this point entirely meaningless,
begging the question why did we
go through this entire exercise
if it was all gonna come down
to one question.
Gentlemen, at this time, we will
now accept your closing remarks.
Senator Sanders,
we'll start with you.
Look, I've got a message
for the mainstream media
and that is
I'm running for president.
You should put me on TV
from time to time.
Look, we just did it.
It wasn't so bad.
And when you...
when you do put me on TV,
don't just have the audio
cut out,
where you just see me
pantomiming
and Chris Matthews
is blabbering over me,
telling you what I'm saying.
I'm a loud guy! Put it on TV!
We don't need to hear
what Chris Matthews is saying.
We already know it. He's saying
something we've already heard
about Tip O'Neill.
I'm a loud (bleep) guy.
Put it on TV.
And I would also like to ask
for money,
if you got anything,
any small change.
Anything under a dollar,
I'll take it.
If you got a gift card that's
partially used, we can use it.
If you have parts of a bitcoin,
we almost have one full bitcoin.
I will take bus tokens
if they are for currently
functioning bus systems.
-Thank you very much.
-Thank you, Senator Sanders.
Mr. Trump, Mr. Trump,
your closing remarks.
First up,
when I become president,
within the first 100 days,
I will be bored within ten.
I can guarantee you that.
I am gonna get a cabinet
that makes Dick Cheney
and Paul Wolfowitz
look like Marlo Thomas
and friends in Free to Be...
You and Me. We are going to get
a terrible group of people
to run this country.
And I promise you this,
I'm the beast. I am the beast
at the end of the Bible,
and I will destroy this planet.
-And I'll tell you this,
we are gonna get... -MAN: Boo!
Get him out of here!
Get him out of here!
-Get him out of here!
-I will make sure all hecklers
-are taken care of with health
care. -You had your time.
You had your time, Bernie.
-You had your time. Excuse me.
-Okay. Okay. Okay. (blubbering)
My big promise though, Greg,
is, I'll tell you this,
we're gonna get rid
of the kaiser,
we're gonna burn down
the Reichstag,
and I promise you
we will unify Germany
and make it the diamond
of Europe
for the next 1,000 years. And
I hope you'll pledge with me
-as we do this. Make a pledge
with me now. -Oh, no. Uh...
-Don't do that. -We're gonna
make America and the world
-(booing) -great again.
Get 'em out of here!
Get 'em out of here!
Get 'em out of here!
Now I'll read your answers
aloud,
and you, the audience,
will decide the winner.
Again, I'm gonna read these so
you have no idea who wrote what.
Before the break,, I asked you
to deliver a message
to the American people
using emoji. Uh...
-Emohis. I like them.
-No, I... It's "emoji."
-It's Japanese in origin.
-Look, I've sat down
-with the Emohi community. I
understand... -No, it's, uh...
-You haven't. They're not real.
They're... -Chinese. -I got
-a great empathy for the Emohi
people. -They're essentially
pictograms. No. Um,
each of you told me privately
what these emoji mean,
and I will interpret them
for the audience.
Let's see what you came up with.
First one.
First set of emoji.
Feel the Bern, live the Bern,
speak the Bern.
Uh...
-All right.
-(audience chanting "Bernie!")
Could've been either one.
No, sir.
Could've been either one.
Could've been either one.
-Unbelievable. -Next up--
completely anonymous,
next up-- completely anonymous--
you better ship yourself
to Canada
because my tiny orange hands are
coming to the White House, baby.
There they are.
You're all gonna die.
You're all gonna die.
What if that was mine?
What if that was mine?
Number one was the winner!
Senator Bernie Sanders,
you have won the Internet,
as dictated
by the audience here today.
-I'm an ambassador.
-Thank you!
I am completely impartial.
-Thank you! -I benefit
in no way. Mr. Trump walking
into my camera shot. You are
the most powerful person for
the next 23 and a half hours.
Thank you, Senator Sanders.
We'll see you tomorrow night.
Our guests will be Nicole Byer,
Alison Rich,
and Jessica McKenna.
Until then,
keep tweeting @midnight
with your hashtag,
#IfIWerePresident,
to become tomorrow's tweet
of the day.
I'm @hardwick on the Tweets
and the Instagrams.
Thank you so much for joining us
for our @midnight 
Presidential Debate 2016
with Definitely Trump
and Actually Bernie Sanders.
Good night
and God (bleep) help us all.
