Because I am so serious abut
this, I don't see 
married men anymore.
If I see a man and there's
a ring on his finger, pfft,
don't see him.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- It becomes the outline
of a human, Peter Pan's shadow.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- Why do I need to see the face
of a dick I can't use?
That's stupid.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
[cheering and applause]
- I was in New York
and a married man came up to me
and asked for directions
and I went, "Tell your wife!"
He didn't need that.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- He was lost in New York,
he just wanted help.
But then I looked down
at his phone and I saw
that the Maps app was open.
What?
Sir. I don't know more
than a satellite.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- I might be a big bitch,
but I don't orbit the Earth,
call your wife!
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- Very serious about this.
I'm a problem, okay?
Y'all remember that movie,
"The Predator"?
That he would see a target
and the numbers would come up
on the side?
That's what I'm doing,
'cause now I look at men
like men look at women,
I'm a problem.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- It's what I do all day,
see a dude, "Oh he's kinda cute,
"oh, he's got a nice outfit,
wait, is he [unintelligible],
beat it, you, over here."
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- "Oh, he's kinda cute
for a dude with skinny jeans,
"wait, is he paying for PVR
for wet money?
Broke, no, I'm not doing this."
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- I gotta be careful 'cause
my mama told me
if I come home
with ugly grandkids,
she ain't messing with 'em.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- I got a black mama, okay?
She said, "I'll put hats on
the martians and send them back,
do not play with me."
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- 'Cause I'm out here,
on the road,
touching men to see if they
have a strong back.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- And I don't know what
that means.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- I'm in heat, y'all
understand the difference?
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- I can say the only thing
that's good about
living in New York,
is I'm trying to get me one
of these fine Jewish menses.
- [cheering and applause]
- I don't know why.
I don't know why.
I can't tell you.
Maybe it's
'cause I love the Lord.
I don't know.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- Okay?
'Cause Old Testament God
is my favorite God,
'cause he played no games.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- "I told y'all stop doing
this dumb sh--I told you--
"you know what?
Flood the Earth!
Try me again. Try me again."
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
[applause]
- Old Testament God is a black
parent, so I understand.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- Or maybe it's 'cause I wanna
know what happens
when an Afro and a Jewfro meet.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- And I wanna see the beautiful
head of hair
that will exfoliate me
as I give birth.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- When I truly think about it,
right?
When I truly get into it,
get truly in touch
with what's going on in here.
It's really 'cause
they're circumcised.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- As a rule.
You never think you're gonna
catch one that's not,
'cause that's just how
they do it, right?
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- 'Cause I don't know
if anyone here has ever had
the misfortune...
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- ...of seeing an uncircum--
Hmm...
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- [exhales]
- [laughing continues]
- Of seeing an uncircumcised
dick, oh, God.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- Every time I see one I'm like,
"Sir, why did
your parents hate me?"
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- "Why am I rolling this dick
down like gym socks,
who sent you?"
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- It's a dick or a burrito
to go, what's happening, sir?!
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- 'Cause they out in New York,
you know, they're like
cage-free, free-range,
out and about.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- In your coffee shop,
writing screenplays, you know.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- I didn't interact with
a lot of Jews growing up
'cause I grew up in Atlanta
so they kept themselves
in a safe place.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- So all I really have
to go off of is, you know,
curly hair, dark features,
and anxiety.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- So I've been playing
this fun game in New York
I like to call
"Jewish or Italian"
'cause I don't know.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- 'Cause you know,
I'll be out and about,
you know at bars and stuff,
'cause apparently
that's where men go.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- 'Cause I asked my homeboy,
like, "Hey, I wanna meet a man."
He was like,
"You gotta leave your house,"
and I was like, "Oh, no."
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- Did you know you can't meet
the love of your life
in your house watching
murder mysteries,
did you know that?
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- 'Cause the Uber eats man
is always married,
I can promise you that.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- So sometimes I'd be out
and about at these bars, right?
I think I picked up
God's chosen people,
and go home with him,
'cause I'm a lady.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- And we get naked,
'cause that's how sex works.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- And I'm standing there,
you know, just...naked.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- And I look over...
and his dick still
has clothes on.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
[laughing continues]
- Curly hair.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- Dark features.
Uncircumcised.
Tsk, this bastard's Italian.
Dammit!
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
- I gotta start asking
for last names, that's on me.
- AUDIENCE: [laughing]
