-We've got some good news here.
Since the last time
you've been on our show,
you are now
an American citizen, buddy.
-Thank you. Yes.
♪♪♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
Really, that's fantastic.
-I feel fully American.
I already hate other immigrants.
That's a big thing.
Coming over here,
taking my jobs.
I'm American now.
I can break laws.
Because I had a green card
for like seven years,
and the only thing
that's different between
being a citizen
and having a green card is --
if you get caught with like
a gram of coke or some weed
or you're drunk-driving
or something like that,
you can get sent out
of the country.
And now I can do
all those things.
I don't particularly
want to do them,
but it's just nice
to have options.
I can kill a person now.
I'm just feeling
so good about it.
-Oh, my God.
Is jail different in Australia?
-No, I think I'd
probably want to go
back to the Australian jails,
just like the
English centers, you know?
-Yeah.
-I think that would be --
I watch all
the jail programs here.
They don't look very friendly.
-Oh, yeah.
You don't want to
break the law here, no.
-If you want to go to jail,
you want to go
somewhere in Norway,
where they're just apologetic
and they give you a bike
to ride around an island.
-What was the
citizenship test like?
-Well, the test is like -- You
have to know like 100 questions,
and 20 of those answers are
"the president," right?
And then other ones are like,
"Name the state."
And you go, "Denial."
You know, like, it's all just --
You go through all
these different questions,
and then if you answer your
10 questions
right out of the 100 --
they give you 10 questions,
you got to answer them right --
then, a few months later,
you get sworn in.
And it's beautiful.
It's, like, in a big warehouse.
There's like 3,000 people,
4,000 people behind you
and some mayor or something,
somebody.
I didn't know who it was.
Eric something.
And they stand up,
and you all go,
"I promise to do A, B, C, and D,
and not do
all these things wrong."
And then you wave
your little flag,
and then they play...
♪♪ So you're proud
to be an American ♪♪
-Wow! They really do?
They do it?
Wow! Yeah.
-Like that.
-Wow!
-And you wave your little flag.
-Yes!
-Your juices get going.
And then the president
gives you a speech
on a screen,
and that's a come-down.
That's about --
Because the mother of my child,
when she did it like five years
ago -- she's Canadian --
Obama gave the speech, and
it was beautiful.
Obama gave the speech.
"Thank you. Welcome to..."
I can't do the impersonation,
but he speaks so well.
And I had Trump at my one, and
he just sort of went,
"Hey, tremendous country.
Well done.
Enjoy yourself.
Assimilate. Bye."
He was, like, standing
in front of a tree.
-Like, he didn't even plan that
he was doing it that day?
-Well, I don't think anyone gave
him the actual speech.
He was winging it.
He thought, "This will just
get played the once."
-But you're a citizen now.
I mean, this is big.
You're an American.
I love it, yeah.
-It's nice.
It's a nice little feeling.
-Are Australians --
are they happy about it?
-Not particularly, no.
A lot of Australians feel
like I let the country down.
When I lived there, they
didn't like me.
Now I've left -- I just went
back recently to Australia
and did a tour,
and I was the best man
at me brother's wedding.
-Oh, how was that?
-Not good. Not good.
A lot of people expect
a lot from you,
when you're a comedian,
when you have to do
your best-man speech,
because everyone else
gives sappy speeches.
They do the whole -- "Oh, when
Scott and Claire got together,
I remember --
that was my idea of love.
And seeing you together
makes me believe
that, one day,
I'll find what you have."
Everyone's being sensible.
And then I thought,
"I'll get up and give it a go."
And I went -- I go,
"Me brother Scott
called me up two years ago,
and he said he met
the girl of his dreams
and he could never imagine
living without this woman.
Anyway, two weeks later,
he called me back and said
that didn't work out.
He's met a girl called Claire.
Things are okay."
Right?
But crickets. Crickets.
And I just went -- I go, "Well,
you know, I live in Hollywood.
You know, your celebrity name --
Claire and Scott --
would be "Clott."
And I go, "But, Claire,
now that you're family,
I'll call you "Blood-Clott."
And then just nothing.
Just nothing.
So I just started lying
and I just went,
"When I see you two together,
that's my idea of love."
-Yeah, absolutely.
You have to --
-I didn't even mean that.
-You got to know the room.
Smart.
-No.
Those two have got a year, tops.
They're watching at home.
