Everybody shut up, uh!
Everyone listen up
uh
If you can’t write, in the proper way
If you don’t know, how to conjugate
Maybe you flunked that class
And maybe now you find
that people mock you online.
Okay, now here’s the deal
I’ll try to educate ya
Gonna familiarize
you with the nomenclature
You’ll learn the definitions
of nouns and prepositions
Literacy’s your mission
And that’s why I think it’s a GOOD TIME
to learn some grammar
Now, did I stammer?
Work on that grammar
it’s “less” or it’s “fewer”
Like people who were
never raised in a sewer
—Word Crimes!
Like “I could care less”
That means you do care
at least a little
You’d better slow down
and use the right pronoun
Show the world you’re no clown
Say you’ve got an “i-t”
followed by apostrophe “s”
Now, what does that mean?
You would not use “it’s” in this case
as a possessive
It’s a contraction
What’s a contraction?
Okay, now here are some notes—
Syntax you’re always mangling
No “x” in “Espresso”
Your participle’s dangling
But I don’t want your drama
If you really wanna
leave out that Oxford comma
Just keep in mind that “be”, “see”, “are”, “you”
are words, not letters
Get it together
Use your spell checker
—write words using numbers
Unless you’re seven
Or your name is Prince!
You really need a full-time proofreader,
you dumb mouth-breather
—some cunning linguist
To help you distinguish
what is proper English
One thing I ask of you
Time to learn your homophones is past due
Learn to diagram a sentence, too
Always say “to whom”; don’t ever say “to who”
And listen up when I tell you this
I hope you never use quotation marks for emphasis
You finished second grade; I hope can tell
if you’re doing good or doing well
Better figure out the difference
irony is not coincidence
And I thought that you’d gotten it through your skull
about what’s figurative and what’s literal
Oh, but just now, you said,
you “literally couldn’t get out of bed”
That really makes me want to literally
smack a crowbar upside your stupid head!
—e-mail
It’s quite apparent, your grammar’s errant
You’re incoherent
Go back to preschool
Get out of the gene pool
Try your best to not drool
Word Crimes!
