>> Stephen: EVERYONE KNOWS THE
MOST STRESSFUL THING ABOUT
THANKSGIVING IS MAKING THE
TURKEY.
>> NOT NECESSARILY, STEPHEN.
WHAT IF INSIDE THE TURKEY
THERE'S A BOMB AND YOU DON'T
KNOW WHICH WIRE TO CUT?
>> Stephen: IT'S TRUE, JON,
FAMILY TO BE STRESSFUL AND SO
CAN COOKING, BUT PCIALLY I HAVE
NAILED MY TURKEY PREP SYSTEM.
FIRST TAKE THE TURKEY, WE MOVE
THE GIBLETS, SAFE TO FOR THE
GRAVY AND STUFF IT WITH YOUR
FAVORITE THINGS.
THE TURKEY IS FULFILLING ITS
DECEMBER ANY TO BE DEAD AND IN
MY MOUTH!
THAT'S ALL A TURKEY IS GOOD FOR.
I MEAN UNTALENTED ONES.
( LAUGHTER )
ONCE IT'S FULL.
THROW THE TURKEY IN THE OVEN AND
COOK IT.
CALL THE GOOD PEOPLE AT THE
BUTTER BALL HOTLINE IF YOU HAVE
TROUBLE.
TAKE A LOOK.
BIRD, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PLAY
THE THING.
ROLL IT, JIMMY!
>> Announcer: THE "LATE SHOW"
PRESENTS STEPHEN COLBERT'S
THANKSGIVING TURKEY TIPS.
>> Stephen: I HEADED TO THE
BUTTER BALL CALL CENTER IN
NAPERVILLE, ILLINOIS, WHERE I
MET CAROL MILLER A 33-YEAR
BUTTER BALL VETERAN.
>> WELCOME.
>> Stephen: HAPPY
THANKSGIVING.
>> YOU, TOO.
>> Stephen: CAROL --
THAT'S CORRECT.
>> Stephen: WHAT MAKES A GOOD
BUTTER BALL HOT LINER.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?
>> SOMEONE WITH A FOOD
BACKGROUND.
YOU HAVE TO BE A GOOD LISTENER
BECAUSE THEY'RE TELLING YOU
WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THEIR HOUSE.
>> Stephen: I DIDN'T CATCH
THAT.
>> THEY'RE TELLING YOU WHAT'S
HAPPENING IN THEIR HOUSE.
YOU HAVE TO BE A GOOD DETECTIVE
TIMES.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE THEY MIGHT
HAVE MURDERED SOMEONE.
>> NO, BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO GET
MORE CLUES.
>> Stephen: TO FIND OUT IF
THEY MURDERED SOMEONE?
>> NO, YOU FEED MORE CLUES TO
ANSWER THE QUESTION.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE
CRAZIEST QUESTION YOU'VE EVER
GOTTEN?
>> SOMETIMES THEY CALL AND WANT
TO RENT A TURKEY SUIT.
>> Stephen: WHY?
I DON'T ASK.
>> Stephen: ROLE PLAYING
MAYBE?
YOU BE THE PILGRIM, I'LL BE THE
TURKEY, GO GET THE BASTER.
DO YOU HAVE A SECRET HANDSHAKE?
>> I DON'T.
I SHOULD.
>> Stephen: LIKE THIS.
COME AT ME LIKE THIS WITH THUMBS
HOOKED FROM BEHIND AND GO --
( GOBBLING )
( LAUGHTER )
WHAT KIND OF VOICE SHOULD BY
USING.
PHONE MANNER, LIKE, HI, THIS IS
STEVE.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: HOW ABOUT WELCOME
TO THE BUTTER BALL HOTLINE.
>> NO, THE FIRST ONE.
THANK YOU.
WHEN YOU'RE DONE TALKING AND
YOU'VE MADE THEM HAPPY AND SAY
GOODBYE, YOU MIGHT WANT TO SAY
HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
>> Stephen: IS IT MORE
IMPORTANTLY TO HAVE A HAPPY
BEGINNING OR ENDING?
>> ALL THE WAY THROUGH.
>> Stephen: ALL THE WAY
THROUGH.
>> KEEP IT HAPPY, INFORMATIVE.
>> Stephen: ALL THE WAY
THROUGH.
>> WHEN YOU'RE DONE, SEE THE
BLACK BUTTON HERE, THAT'S GOING
TO GET RELEASED AND YOU WILL GET
ANOTHER CALL.
>> Stephen: THE RELEASE IS
THERE AND THEN ANOTHER CALL.
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: AFTER THE HAPPY
ENDING, I HIT THE BLACK BUTTON
FOR THE RELEASE.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
( LAUGHTER )
GREAT, THANK YOU, CAROL.
>> ALL RIGHT, THANKS.
GOOD LUCK.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
BUTTER BALL HOTLINE.
LET'S BUTTER YOUR BALLS.
>> I LIKE IT WELL DONE, HOW
WOULD YOU SUGGEST I COOK IT?
A.
>> Stephen: COOK IT A LONG
TIME.
HI, THIS IS CAROL, WELCOME TO
THE TURKEY TALK LINE.
>> HI.
CAROL, COOKING MY BUTTER BALL
TURKEY BREAST WITH WINGS, AND I
PUT IT IN AT 325, BUT --
>> Stephen: OH, BOY.
-- IF AFTER TWO HOURS I PUT
ALUMINUM FOIL ON IT?
>> Stephen: OVER ALL OF IT OR
JUST THE THIGHS?
>> THERE WERE NO THIGHS.
>> Stephen: THERE WERE NO
THIGHS.
>> NO.
>> Stephen: WHAT HAPPENED TO
THE BIRD?
WHY WERE THERE NO THIGHS?
>> THE WAY IT WAS SOLD WAS THE
BREAST AND THE WINGS.
>> Stephen: YOU GOT RIPPED
OFF.
BIRDS USUALLY COME WITH THIGHS.
I APOLOGIZE.
CAN WE GET A NUMBER AND WE'LL
SEND YOU OUT A FRESH TURKEY WITH
THIGHS.
THAT'S NOT RIGHT.
>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
HOW DO YOU DO THAT?
>> Stephen: JUST GIVE ME AN
ADDRESS AND WE'LL SEND YOU
ANOTHER TURKEY BECAUSE AT THE
SHOULD HAVE COME WITH THIGHS.
MOST ARE GROWN WITH THEM.
>> REALLY?
IT'S IN THE OVEN AND IT'S AN
HOUR LESS THAN THE REQUIRED COOK
TIME.
>> Stephen: THAT HAPPENS A
LOT.
>> AND THE MEAT THERMOMETER IS
SAYING IT'S AT 188.
>> Stephen: 188?
YES.
>> Stephen: GET OUT OF THERE,
IT'S GOING TO BLOW.
188, NO WAY YOU WANT A TURKEY
THAT HOT.
>> THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!
BECAUSE I FOLLOWED THE TIME ON
THE INSTRUCTIONS.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
O -- WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME
MY NAME?
>> Stephen: I'M TRYING TO CALM
YOU DOWN.
YOU SEEM LIKE YOU'RE IN A PANIC.
>> YOU SAID YOU WERE A TURKEY
EXPERT.
WHEN YOU ANSWER -- WHEN THEY
ANSWERED THE PHONE, YOU WERE
DESCRIBED AS A TURKEY EXPERT.
>> Stephen: THAT'S MOSTLY
MARKETING.
I APOLOGIZE.
BUTTER BALL TURKEY HOTLINE.
THIS IS STEVE.
CAN I HELP YOU?
>> I OH, I HOPE YOU CAN.
THIS IS REALLY A QUESTION ABOUT
STUFFING.
>> Stephen: YOU CALL IT
STUFFING OR DRESSING?
>> I CALL IT STUFFING.
OKAY, WRONG ANSWER.
BYE-BYE!
DELTA THREE FIVE NINER, THIS IS
CHICAGO O'HARE TOWER, I NEED YOU
TO GO TO 2700 FEET AND LEVEL OFF
ON APPROACH, PLEASE STAY IN A
HOLDING PATTERN AND WE WILL
ADVISE.
>> HELLO.
>> Stephen: HELLO, IS THIS
TELLTA THREE FIVE NINER?
>> NO, I'M CALLING THE BUTTER
BALL TURKEY HOTLINE.
>> Stephen: WELL, YOU'VE
REACHED O'HARE TOWER.
WOULD YOU PLEASE PUT THE PILOT
ON?
>> WHAT?
>> Stephen: CAN YOU PLEASE PUT
THE PILOT ON?
I NEED TO TALK TO THE PILOT OF
THE PLANE.
YOU'RE ON FINAL APPROACH TO
RUNWAY DELTA FIVE.
>> NO!
>> Stephen: MA'AM, IT IS A
FEDERAL OFFENSE TO INTERRUPT
WITH AVIONICS OR AVIATION.
PLEASE PUT THE PILOT ON RIGHT
NOW.
YOU ARE DELTA THREE FIVE NINER
ON APPROACH TO O'HARE.
I'VE GOT PLANES STACKED UP OVER
O'HARE LIKE CORD WOOD RIGHT NOW.
ALL RIGHT?
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
TALKING ABOUT.
I'M CALLING THE TURKEY HOTLINE.
THE BURT BALL TURKEY HOTLINE.
>> Stephen: UH, CAN I HAVE
YOUR NAME, PLEASE?
>> NO.
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
>> Stephen: CAN'T HAVE YOUR
NAME.
OKAY, I'M GOING TO HAND THIS
OVER TO HOMELAND SECURITY IF YOU
DON'T GIVE ME YOUR NAME.
>> WELL, YOU CAN DO THAT --
>> Stephen: DELTA THREE FIVE
NINER YOU ARE CLEARED TO LAND.
>> I'M GOING TO CALL THE POLICE,
ALL RIGHT?
>> Stephen: WELL, I'M GOING TO
CALL THE ARMY.
BUTTER BALL TURKEY HOTLINE,
GOBBLE GOBBLE.
>> HI, I'VE GOT A QUESTION.
I BOUGHT A TURKEY YESTERDAY AT A
TARGET SUPERSTORE, IT WAS IN,
LIKE, THE REFRIGERATOR KIND OF
OPEN COOLER IN THE PRODUCE
DEPARTMENT --
>> Stephen: OH, THE THINGS
THAT LOOK LIKE COFFINS?
>> YEAH, BUT THEY'RE CLOSED --
THEY'RE OPEN.
>> Stephen: OPEN, AN OPEN
CASKET.
>> YEAH, OKAY.
SO ANYWAY, SO IT WASN'T FROZEN,
SO MY QUESTION IS, AND IT SAID
SELL UP TO, LIKE, NOVEMBER 28.
NOW, IS IT OKAY, I BROUGHT IT
HOME AND JUST PUT IT IN MY
REFRIGERATOR, CAN I KEEP IT IN
THE REFRIGERATOR FOR A WEEK OR
FREEZE IT FIRST OR WAS IT FROZEN
FIRST.
>> Stephen: IT MIGHT BE STILL
FROZEN AND YOU DON'T KNOW IT
BECAUSE THE INSIDE COULD BE
FROZEN AND YOU DON'T KNOW IT.
DO YOU HAVE A WOODEN SPOON?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: CAN YOU HIT IT?
DOES IT SOUND LIKE A ROCK WHEN
YOU HIT IT WITH A SPOON OR DOES
IT SOUND LIKE YOU'RE SPANKING
A -- UM -- A LOVER?
>> IT'S LIKE YOU'RE SPANKING.
YOU WANT TO HEAR IT?
>> Stephen: YEAH, PUT THE
PHONE UP.
>> OKAY, I'M JUST HITTING IT
WITH MY HAND.
>> Stephen: ONE MORE TIME, I
DIDN'T HEAR THAT.
YEAH, THAT'S THAWED.
>> YOU HAVE A GOOD THANKSGIVING.
>> Stephen: YOU, TOO.
BYE.
>> Announcer: COMING UP,
STEPHEN EXPLAINS ANCIENT
HISTORY!
