(people cheering)
(patriotic band music)
(machine buzzing)
(gun fires)
(man screaming)
(loud thud)
(people yelling)
(soft thud)
(firecrackers popping)
(gun fires)
(people laughing)
(people cheering)
(man screams loudly)
- [Man] Oh my God!
Let's go!
- I've always said
binge drinking wasn't
dangerous enough.
(audience laughing)
Are you too much of a pussy to
give that a shot this summer?
Then try one of my fun, safe,
alternative drinking
games, you squares.
Filters out all the lead.
And forces you to pace yourself.
It's perfect for freshmen.
The horrific smell and
taste prevent any man
from taking more
than a sip at a time.
It's so vinegar-y, I'm
gonna barf, guys, get this!
A ski is the only way to
appreciate a fine vintage red.
(wine bubbling)
The wine ski pairs
nicely with a cheese ski.
If no one wants to
pony up $35 bucks
for your couch on Craigslist,
you can always do this.
- [Man 1] You ready, all right?
- [Man 2] Is there
anybody down there?
- [Man 3] Nope.
(audience groaning)
- I mean, yes.
(audience chuckling)
Kinda, there was
someone halfway down.
(loud thudding)
You better believe the HOA
board will hear about this.
I'm sure they at
least call the city
to arrange for a
bulk item pickup.
If any of you ever
need help moving,
feel free to give me a call.
Anybody down there?
(glass breaking)
The problem with my
moving company is,
I'm licensed, but not bonded.
You need to be both.
Finally it's time for our
penny pincher of the week.
- Now this is how
I'll help you save
on your toilet tissue bill.
You fold it one time,
you fold it two times.
Then you fold it a third time.
Then you see this
lil' tip right here?
You tear that off.
Once you get done taking
a shit or pissin',
you put your finger in
there, you wipe your ass.
Okay, then you take this
and you wipe all this off.
(audience groaning)
- Oh now I like a
finger up the b-hole
as much as the next closeted
guy, but this is disgusting.
(audience laughing)
- Well, this right
here is why I told you
to save the lil' tip.
You clean all this shit
off your fingernails.
(host groaning)
- And that's why he won the
2018 Nobel prize in economics.
I don't know if that
would work for me,
most of Danny's
dookers are dewy.
