Ethan: So the last thing I want to touch on is obviously
You've had a very public battle with cancer
Total Biscuit: Sure. Yeah. Ethan: It's been going on for how long, I mean how long have you been living with cancer now? TotalBiscut: Now I'm over three years. Three, four years now.
Ethan: I think honestly you've handled it with like great grace and optimism from from the very beginning. That's inspired me and
first of all thank you for
For doing that TB: of course. E: And I think it's been a beacon of light, I think,
for a lot of people of just like seeing how you can handle it with with dignity
And I know that Hila's dealing with some- her dad... Just got recently diagnosed with cancer. We were talking about it backstage and
It's really nice to hear you being, you know, optimistic about it
Basically, well, first- my first question is, cuz the last update that I was able to find was from like June or some shit TB: yeah.
How's it going? What're- What're the updates? TB: so basically where we are right now is that it is stabilized, meaning-
It's not gone away, but it's not growing so there's a couple of small tumors in my liver
And there's one very very small nodule in my lung. So it's Stage four, which means it
Spread past the initial place it was. Stage four is pretty bad. That's when survival chances go in the toilet
on October the 15th
2017- or, 2015, sorry.
I was told you've probably got two years to live. That was two years and five days ago.
Hila: That's crazy. Ethan: Fuck cancer, dude. TotalBiscut: so fuck those odds and fuck those numbers. Ethan: Yeah.
TB: But the problem with,
Metabolized cancer is the-
Metastasize cancer, sorry, it can go anywhere it gets in the blood it can spread to any organ.
Becomes harder to nail it down. You know you can't do targeted therapies as easily. You can't just cut it out
So it being stable at this stage is very very good because it means the therapy works
And it's continuing to work
And I have fairly minimal side effects. Still got me beard, still got me 'stache. You know? E: Well you look good
You don't look like a guy who has cancer. Hila: No. TB: Well last year I sure as hell did.
You know there was ah... people were asking,
I don't know if you'd know, I did a voice back for Starcraft 2 and the photo they gave for me for that
Was in black and white and people were like "Did he die? Is that why they've made it black and white?" Noo!
I look terrible in that photo but
It- you know, I- The chemo sucks of course it sucks. I have every two weeks
I get plugged in on the Wednesday. I get the big dose in the
Clinic and then they put me on a portable thing to take home for the rest of it until Friday
So I'm pretty much like out of action for two days
And then it takes about two days to really get back on my feet
You know? Ethan: What is that experience like- I feel like this conversation doesn't exist anywhere.
Hila: Yeah. Ethan: Of someone with cancer talking about what it's like. Hila: I can't believe that you go through this every two weeks and you're...
Managing to keep everything going. Ethan: Yeah, It's incredible. TB: Yeah, I mean one- I don't see another option. You know it's like
Everyone has a job, everyone had to do their job. E: It just shows an incredible amount of strength.
TB: It's, you know, my job, so huge motivator for me. You know
I'm proud of what I do
And I enjoy it and I know that I'm very blessed to be able to do it as a career right so I want to
Take every opportunity I can to do it. That's why I'm out here with Twitchcon. That's why I'm going to Blizzcon
You know I want to take
Joy in that and I get a lot of satisfaction out of it and that also means I want to be back on my feet
As quick as possible, so you know I look at it, and I say right okay?
I've got ten- if I... if I can get back on my feet I got ten
Good days and four bad days every two weeks, and you know what that's okay. I'd rather have 14
Good days, but I can't have 14 good days. So I'll take ten. That's okay and
I mean the experience of actually being on the therapy itself I mean
It essentially turns you into a zombie. It's one of the best ways to describe it. I mean it's your whole body is in pain
Just constant aching. There's a feeling of sickness although
that varies on a person-to-person basis I get a
subdermal injection right here
It's quite new. They only just started doing this and it's a gel and it slowly goes into your bloodstream
Oh, it costs about five days, and it's an antiemetic so it's an anti-nausea
Gel it knocked the nausea on the head in a really good way like you still feel a bit sick
But I used to like throw up like eight times, ten times a day, like, until I was just throwing up stomach acid
E: That's gonna be really... TB: It just burned
It was nothing but burning. E: That part of chemo has got to be really
Difficult to the healing process right? TB: Yeah E: The whole thing of nausea and puking. TB: Yeah, it fucks you up badly.
Yeah
because you get massively dehydrated like that's
The advice that I give to anyone else to go through chemotherapy two things one
hydrate for the love of God like drink fruit juice in particular don't drink water drink fruit juice it gives us-
E: Calories, yeah
TB: Calories, sugar, really important. The taste will help you drink faster. in my case one of my side effects is I have a cold
Sensitivity while I'm on the pump so if I drink something too cold it can shut my throat and kill me. E: Oh my god
TB: Yeah, also if I just touch something
That's too cold nice that kind of sucks
So I've gotta wear gloves and make sure you know stuffs at room temperature before I drink it
But I found the like drinking fruit juice I can drink it a lot faster that means I can hydrate better and the other thing
Is force yourself to eat
You threw it up. Fuck you, eat it again. Just not the same thing obviously.E: Just don't give up. TB: Yeah, just keep eating
Dude, like because it is fuel. It lterally is fuel. It's fuel to fight if you give up on that-
Everything gives up, but every time I eat even if I don't like the taste of it,
I don't like the feeling of eating it,
About ten minutes after I've eaten or even as I'm eating I'll feel this burst of energy like, it's like,
becoming awake again at least for a couple of hours.
E: It's incredible to hear that because I've been yeah, all of us who aren't sick we take food for such granted right.
H: And also it's the most basic thing that you can think of.
You gotta fuel yourself to continue. TB: Right, it's so obvious until your body is screaming at you not to. H: mm-hmm.
TB: And telling you I'm gonna throw that up if you do that
I'm just like no you're not I'm gonna eat it, and if I throw it up
I'm gonna cook another thing and I'm gonna eat that
until
Something stays down because you need those-
Nutrition, you need- you need that nutrition. If you don't have it your recovery is gonna,
Get longer and longer and your- your immune system is gonna, just collapse. You know. I have a surprisingly strong immune system
I should have no immune system by now. my immune system is fine, and it's taking a bit of a beating, but it's fine
A lot of people in my stage can't even travel because it'll kill 'em. You know, catch catch a cold ya dead.
For me now, I've been fortunate in that they found the right combination of drugs
They found a chemo that was unpleasant, but I could tolerate it and I've got a good oncologist who knows what he's doing so
you know, all I need him to do is keep giving me the stuff that works, and I'll keep fighting it, and I'll keep going and
That's the only option there is. Just to keep going. What other option is there? You just give up? No.
There's nothing else. Nothing beyond this. E: mm-hmm. TB: You've got to fight. Ten good days, four bad days. Even if it's
One good day, 13 bad days. That's still one good day.
E: Do you find that you've become more optimistic in some ways since your diagnosis with cancer? TB: In some ways.
It's hard to worry about petty shit
When you've got you know death staring you in the face
E: Do you feel like you have some knowledge that you wish you could share?
Like I know, for example, to use it mildly you'll get a flu and you'll be like man
I can't fucking wait til
I'm not sick again
And then the moment you're better you forget all about that
Is there some kind of feeling that you're always having like that that you wish you could just share,
That you wish everyone could appreciate and feel is that something? TB: I mean it-
Think of chemo as getting over the worst flu of your life
and
Feeling like you were not a real person while you had it that E: That sounds awful. TB: Like a zombie.
Even trapped in your own head sometimes. Think about being so tired that you can't watch Netflix. It's too exhausting
That- that's what it does to you and as a result, what you've got to do, you get trapped in your own mind.
I s- y'know, even listening to things like audiobooks. It's like bright light.
Sounds, anything, any kind of stimulus becomes scary. It's, you know, you jumpin' at shadows, it- it screws with your mind.
It screws with your head in a big way. There's a
Fog, paranoia, it...
is a really nasty thing to put in your body
But ultimately you got to do it and you got to keep doing it if you want to actually overcome it
There's no easy way to do chemotherapy
There's no magical advice, but there is stuff you have to do. It's tough it helps to have someone close by you
Helps to have someone like my wife that will push me to do these things, that will say you've got to eat,
You've got to drink. I don't care what you think. Eat the fucking food
Having somebody like that, having that kind of support system is essential.
I don't think I'd be alive if I didn't have that. E: God bless her TB: Yep, dude.
H: Well that's really inspiring.
TB: It is what it is, you play the hand you're dealt, you do the best you can, you don't give up on it
You know, it's- because it's not just giving up on your life. It's giving up on everyone that's ever been touched by what you've done
Your friends your family
Pets for God's sake you know you want to be there for them like they deserve to have you there for them
the only way that that's going to happen is if you keep fighting and
It's possible like
Fuck these statistics
They don't mean anything. If you don't like the statistics, change the stats now. Live long- outlive it.
It just keep going because science is fucking amazing and they come up with new stuff every day
They come up with new treatments all the time
E: Do you think that chemo will be looked back on and hopefully as soon as 10 years as
This like- almost like how we used to electrocute people with mental illnesses? TB: The way we look at leeches, only barbarism.
because we're killing the patient and hoping the cancer dies faster, E: right TB: It's not a great way to do things
But it's the best thing. We've got right now. There's a general first line of defense. It's not the only thing
And people should be aware of that. You know if chemo fails for us. I have a neighbor
She's had stage 4 cancer for 20 years
That's he's currently doing immunotherapy
Brand-new immunotherapy she's doing really well on it like the tumors are shrinking. She had cancer all over her body. You'd be
Shocked by what is out there, or what is being developed right as we speak.
E: That's awesome
TB: And all you got to do as someone that has it, is to
Give those guys a bit more time. Give them as much time as you can give them and that means putting in your effort
surviving. E: Right H: Right TB: Simple as that really.
E: Is there an organization that we can donate to that you in particular hold in high interest, that's worthy of people's money
TB: I mean there's quite a few, I- what you've got to watch out for with cancer in particular
there's a few that are not a good idea like,
I always get upset in October because it's Breast Cancer Awareness Month and a lot of the
Companies donate to Susan- Susan G. Komen, E: Right TB: Which is a terrible organization. They they waste money on
'awareness' raising, they waste money all over the place, they don't give to
research and they sue other charities. They're a disgusting organization.
Absolutely horrendous, E: So where do we send money?
TB: Yeah, you can send money to a local Research Hospital. You'd be surprised how helpful
that can be, you can donate directly to your local research hospital. E: Look up L.A- like I would if it's me, Just L.A. cancer institute.
Boom, here's my money. TB: There will be a- there will be a link to donate to them like that one going directly towards the fight
E: You've got these huge organizations like American cancer- cancer TB: Society E: Society or whatever, and I'm like if I give them five thousand bucks
What- where's it go? Where's that money going? TB: Yeah, it's always good to look on Charity Navigator
You know it's a very good site for figuring out
Where the money is going and look at the breakdown look at how much is going to research versus administrative cost versus awareness. As far as I'm concerned, should
be going to research. E: Right. People know about cancer. TB: Yeah, people- they do
E: We're good on awareness. TB: Yeah, there's still some things that would be good
I would like to see there be a bigger push to get- there- for younger men,
especially when they have symptoms to go and get checked. This is what I said when I first got diagnosed
I, you know, I had colon cancer. It's embarrassing, you don't want to do it, at this age nobody thinks they've got colon cancer. E: We were talking backstage
It's like in America. They don't even recommend you get a finger up the ass
until you're like
50. TB: Now that wonderful experience at like 28 or whatever, but ultimately yeah, it's fucking embarrassing, you know it's more embarrassing? Dying.
That's pretty shitty yeah, shitting yourself when you die, maybe some- E: Some people, some people can do it- well, nevermind.
it's yeah, but
Ultimately people have to take their own health seriously, and if they see symptoms for the love of God
Please please if it's nothing fucking celebrate the fact that it's nothing. E: sure.
TB: Okay, you just went through some unpleasant shit you maybe you got a colonoscopy or a finger up your ass, big fucking deal,
You're gonna have to have it sooner or later
E: Yeah, TB: it's gonna have to happen. So you might as well get it E: Finger up the ass or death? TB: Yeah, pick one.
E: I'd get fingered all day boy.  TB: I think it's a pretty obvious choice. E: I think that's actually really important and
To raise that awareness. TB: Yeah, take your own health seriously. E: I mean, just go to the fucking doctor.
I'm- I think we're all guilty of prolonging- TB: we absolutely are. E:  you know, it's like, but man-
You got to take care of your shit. TB: You do ultimately.
I could have been a way better position if I had and I didn't because I was embarrassed
E: Is that right? TB: Yeah. E: How long did you have symptoms but didn't go to the doctor? TB: About a year.
E: Really a year? TB: Yeah, it's like because there's a bunch of other explanations for it, you always assume. Oh, it's something else,
It's my diet. E: May I ask what symptoms, or is that too personal? TB: I mean, I've told people about it
You're in my initial video. You know it's- we're talking about shit like, you know, we had cold stool, rectal bleeding,
You know the kind of thing is like, you see blood you're still like oh,
Maybe I just had a, you know, a raw steak. You know rare steak or whatever, E: off you rationalize it away
TB: Yeah, I mean I thought I had IBS. I thought I'd maybe even Crohn's. You know what something like that. Yeah or
Diverticulitis, I didn't think I had colon cancer. You know you always assume, "It's not cancer. It's something else." E: "I'll be fine"
TB: Yeah, and then you- yeah, you prolong it like, you know, this is uncomfortable it's fine, and then you're eventually like alright. I'm gonna go
Find out if I have Crohn's or whatever, no, I was like now you have colon cancer like well. That's shit. E: Yeah
TB: I probably should have gone earlier. You know, and anybody- if you have a symptom like that
Don't fucking ignore it. Don't- yeah, it's embarrassing, get over it, go to a doctor for the love of God
you know save yourself a
shit ton of pain later on. E: right
Is there something about cancer that, like, you came to learn from going through it that most people don't know?
TB: It-
There's no feeling of having it
Like right now if you asked, like, "Do you feel like you have an illness?"
No, I mean- H: that's what's really,
Talking to my dad now he can't confront the fact
That he's so ill, because it doesn't feel it. He has a really bad cough. When he doesn't it feels- it feels completely normal.
Yeah, I don't know I have a tumor. I can't feel that I have a tumor in my liver or in my lung
That's- that doesn't impact my daily life. You know there's probably some pain there, but you know I'm on painkillers, it's
probably just
buried there somewhere and
The weird thing is I guess you know people view cancer as this
Thing which will, you know, turn you into a desiccated husk immediately when you've got it and completely destroy your life
No, it really doesn't and that's actually scarier. E: mmm
TB: Cuz you know you've got a cut on your arm
And it's bleeding, you can see, "I've been wounded" and you have a response to that
You got something inside you that might be silently eating away at you
You don't- you don't even feel it's there, E: You don't have that pain response. TB: No. It's disturbing. It's
It's insidious
And obviously a lot of it comes down to the fact. You don't feel it before either
You don't feel it before the diagnosis, but you still don't feel afterwards either. You only feel everything around it
You know the side effects of the chemo. The pain from, say,
You know, the fact that I've had an abdominal hernia for years from the surgery
You know, collapsed muscle wall, things like that, no. No yeah, you have to take painkillers to just manage that and stay functional. E: mm-hmm
TB: but
The actual disease no, it's just there. It's invisible. E: Mmm. TB: That's creepy as fuck. E: That is fucking weird
Do you ever feel like irrationally angry at your own body for trying to kill you? TB: Totally. E: It's like fuck off
TB: Yeah,
I think it was quite healthy, like, being able to visualize it as a thing you can fight
Is much better than having it be a thing you don't understand E: right TB: And a lot of people do that, that's like-
It's recommended even.
E: you have an enemy you identify.
TB: You have an enemy you can see, you can imagine what it looks like you can imagine what you have to do to defeat it.
Versus something you don't understand spreading throughout your body without any...
what- you know- without you even noticing and
with there being no
solid easy
Take this pill, and you'll get better option E: sure TB: That's- that's- that's scary
I don't think about it that way though. You know- I viewed as the enemy ever since I got it.
I view it as something beatable because it is, you know ,and every time we get a scan
And we see it's either shrunken or not got bigger like we're winning you know
E: It seems like you've been fighting it
Successfully for a long time you've beat the odds, and it seems that every is update. It's- it's-
Good news, or at least not bad news. TB: Yeah, exactly. You know, see at least not bad news is good
You know, you'd love that miraculous remission. Where it's just you coming. It's gone
but I'm facing all the reality that that's probably not gonna happen and
You just gotta kind of live with it, you know I know I'm gonna need this treatment indefinitely. E: Do you think that, that,
kind of uh
Personifying it as the enemy is has been one of the keys to your
Fighting it successfully. TB: I think so. E: Mentally and physically TB: mentally such- so important it
It sounds like a cliche
It's not. I know it is 90% mental because that's what drives everything else
it drives your ability to fight it physically it drives your ability to
rehydrate and
to want to get better and to make sure you eat and fuel your body and
All that sort of thing to get up and not skip that treatment this way
It's like I could not go in because I know it's gonna hurt. E: You'll be fine, TB: But I'll go in line. Yeah, exactly. E: Scary.
TB: That's the scary thing, you'll feel fine. E: I'll skip it and I'll feel fine.
TB: Yeah, and what if I just skip the next one as well like, E: That's fucked up H: mm-hmm, TB: but you- but you get up,
You know, get up at 9:00 a.m.. On that Wednesday. I go in they do the blood test
I know I'm there to get a needle and they plug it in right there. E: I can see. TB: you know plug it into the port
Goes in there stays in there for two days. They rip it out. Take salene as they flush it,
you know, to make sure that it's clean and
then you do all over again and
you've got to just keep doing it because if you tap out on that that's it because
This ain't gonna give up. This is gonna keep trying to kill you E: mm-hmm. TB: So you have to keep fighting it back
You can't just give it a break
E: Is there something...
I noticed you saying something about like you
I mean do you appreciate time in a different way because I?
Something you said this truck with me is like I get ten. Good days and four bad days, and that's enough for me
Do you have a different appreciation for time? TB: Yeah. It was like, you know, when we were talking earlier about
Would I go back and, you know, redo a video or change the way that I criticize  those things
I think a lot of that came from that directly. It's like,
I can do a limited number of videos less than I used to be able to do I can work less than I used to be
able to do I can play less than I used to be able to do so let's make sure that time counts for something a
Lot of it is also
You assume at this age. You've got wow I've got 50 60 years of the family
What if you didn't? Well, you know, you don't know how long you've got so
You know, made me want to try and be a better dad. There's no doubt about that
You know I wanted to connect more with my stepson
And then I have and I've been doing that I wanted to connect more with my wife
Make sure that we get a good. You know we get a good run out of it
I intend to be around when I'm fucking 100 years old. We'll be still bitching about video games if I can be but
Sometimes there might be something outside of my control you know maybe
Fighting isn't enough
Maybe that's just not enough to keep going
But if that's the case then you've got to make sure that you spend the time you've got
In the best way you can and even then it's not like
It changes you overnight like you still want to go read Reddit comments,
You still want to bitch at people on Twitter, like you can't change your habit of a lifetime
But there's something at the back of your mind. It said do you have something better to do?
You know and maybe that- that does change you over time I think E: hmm
well
Thanks for sharing that with us, and thanks for spending your time. Especially here with us. I mean I really appreciate it
TB: I enjoy it. It's great to be out here, I get out here so rarely
You know as much as I love the greenness of North Carolina
Sometimes the smog of L.A. is a wonderful place to go. E: Right, yeah, for sure
