 (cheery music)
 - Hi, I'm Ian, but
 today I'm Uber Ian,
 and I'm gonna teach
 you how to be an Uber.
It's super easy.
(door slamming)
 (door opening)
Oh, hey.
 Josh?
 - Hey, yeah, it's me.
 - [Ian] Yeah yeah, come on in.
 - Hey, how you doing, man?
 - [Ian] Good, how are you?
 - Pretty good, I'm
 enjoying the weather.
 - Yeah, yeah, it was
 a lot colder before.
 Made it good for
 business, you know.
- Ah, that makes a lot of sense.
- [Ian] Yeah.
- Business man.
 - [Ian] So it's 45th
 and North, right?
 - Yep, that's correct.
 - 45th and North, got it.
 Um.
 - [Josh] Gotta get to work.
 GPS isn't really coming up
 with 45th and North, hmm.
Alright.
 - Should we, uh, get moving?
 - Hmm.
 Um.
 Nah, it's coming up as 48th.
 - That's weird, did
 you try typing in 45?
 - Yeah, yeah, I did.
Um, hmm.
- [Josh] You just do four five?
- Right, right.
 - [Josh] Th.
 - Yeah, yeah.
 Yeah, yeah, I did, I did, so.
 So, anyways, um,
 where are you headed?
 - I'm actually headed to work.
 - [Ian] Work?
 - Yeah.
- [Ian] Okay, where do you work?
 - I work at, uh, this little,
 cute little
 Ethiopian restaurant.
- [Ian] Ethiopian, ooh,
that sounds interesting.
What kinda food they got there?
 - It's actually
 taco Tuesday today.
- Taco Tuesday!
 I love taco Tuesday.
 Hey, what kinda tacos?
 - Leopard
- Leopard meat.
 I've never had
 leopard meat before.
- It's illegal.
 - Wow, that's, huh.
Well, I mean, sounds exotic, so.
 - Yeah, it's actually
 really tasty,
 just can't really advertise.
 - [Ian] Right, because
 the illegal part.
 - Yeah.
 - [Ian] Yeah.
 Is it North?
 North, is it North?
- [Josh] North.
Or is it south?
 [Josh] North.
 It's giving me east.
- [Josh] I'm not really
used to this Uber thing.
- Right.
 - [Josh] Can we head out soon?
 - Um, yeah, as soon
 as we get this going,
 I will get you there.
 - Um, alright, I mean, I do
 have to be heading out, so.
- [Ian] Yeah, sorry, I'm
really sorry about that.
 I don't really know
 where to go from here.
 Um, I don't know
 what to tell you.
 It's not really picking up.
 I don't know where
 my stuff's at,
 so I don't know what
 to tell you, bud.
 - I mean, it is within
 walking distance.
 I didn't really need an Uber.
 - [Ian] Oh, okay, um.
 Just, yeah.
 - Just kinda paid you
 for the conversation.
 - [Ian] Oh okay, well,
 hope you liked it.
 - I did, you're a
 really nice person.
 - [Ian] Oh, thanks, you too!
 So yeah, sounds great.
 - Well, I guess I better
 take a walk then, my friend.
 - [Ian] Alright, alright.
 If I can figure
 out where it's at,
 I will uh - I'll
 get a taco, y'know.
 - Alright, sounds good.
 - [Ian] Alright, alright.
Sounds great.
- Love to see you there.
 - [Ian] Alright, we'll see.
 - Alright, it was
 nice meeting you, so.
 - [Ian] Nice meeting you too.
 (door slams)
 - Hi, Uber for Mark?
 - Yeah, Mark, you
 wanna sit up front?
 - No, I don't.
 - Okay.
- No, I'll just be back
here. That's ridiculous.
- Okay.
Some people like to, I suppose.
 - Okay, I'm fine back here.
 - [Ian] Alright.
 45th and Nat, right?
- Yeah, that's correct.
 - You got it, alright.
Let's get this.
Whoo, that's not
the right noise.
- That's just the sound
of the pedal, come on.
- No, I've been driving
this car for years.
That's new, that's a new noise.
- Okay, so are you gonna
be able to take me?
 - I don't want you
 to get, you know,
 I don't wanna get
 in a car accident
 because this noise is
 happening, you know?
 (car beeping)
 - Nope, that's the headlights.
 Okay, well, I got
 somewhere to be.
 I have an appointment to make.
 - Right.
 - And I just wanna get there.
 - Right, let me just.
 Sometimes, sometimes
 this is a little finicky.
 It's a got a little--
 - Okay, that's the
 windshield wipers.
 - Uh--
 - Alright, can you just put
the keys in the ignition
and start the car?
 - Right, right, right, right.
 - No, that's your house key.
 - That's, that's not right.
 That's enough.
 - Nope, another house key.
 Nope, that's a USB flash
 drive, what are you doing?
- [Ian] That's got my
files on it - Just, yup.
 This is ridiculous.
 I have somewhere I need to be.
 - Uh huh, that's why
 you called the Uber,
 and I'm gonna get you
 there in a, uh, split.
Cold enough back there?
 You good?
- Yes, I'm fine.
 - [Ian] Okay, um,
 would you like a mint?
- No, I'm good.
 - [Ian] Alright, how
 about some tunes?
 Yeah, yeah?
 I got, I got a phone charger.
I'm pretty professional.
 - I'm fine.
 - Okay, wanna make sure
 everything's safe and sound
and you're all good back
there, nice and relaxed.
Relaxed.
Key's not going.
 Wheel's not going.
This is still doing it.
 I don't know, man.
Uh, hmm.
 Hmm, hmm, hmm.
 - I would just like to
 be on the road please.
 - [Ian] Okay, well,
 we'll be there
 as soon as I get this going.
 - Hopefully soon.
 - [Ian] Yep, yep, yep.
 So the key's not turning.
(sighing)
Not turning all the way.
- What the hell?
 At this point, it would be--
 I'm just gonna walk.
 - Okay, uh, sorry.
Rate five stars please.
And that's how easy it
is to be an Uber driver.
 See, it's super easy.
You have your highs and
your lows in your days,
 but overall, it's a really
 easy job to pick up.
 So have fun and do you best.
 (cheery music)
Hi, I'm Ian, but
today, I'm Barback Ian.
 Here at the Blackbird Bar in
 Bayview, and here's Barry,
 teaching me how
 to be a bartender.
 - How you doing, Ian?
 - I'm doing great,
 Barry, how are you?
 - Oh, not so bad.
 Glad to have you
 on the team here.
You have any barbacking
experience before?
 - I have none whatsoever,
 but it doesn't look too hard.
 - Well, I can show
 you what you do.
 - Alright.
- Most of your job is just
getting us ice when we want ice,
 but I'll teach you a
 little insider trick here.
 To make a drink, all you gotta
 do is set your glass down.
 - Uh huh.
 - Take one of these bad boys.
 (shaking ice)
Shake it up for a while.
- Got it.
- And then once you feel
like it's all shaken up,
 pour it in there, and then
 you got a vodka gimlet.
- It's just that simple.
- That's right.
 It's not too bad.
 - Okay, cool.
 Well, sounds like you got
 a pretty nice easy job.
 - Are you drinking?
- Yeah.
 Yeah, it's a bar.
Policy.
 - Well, alright, looks like
 you got the hang of things,
 so.
 - Oh!
 - I'm gonna pass that onto ya.
 - Alright, well.
Let's get to it.
 How's it going, Mark?
 What can I get you?
- Do I know you?
 - I think you do.
 What can I get you
 to drink, Mark?
- I'll just do an old fashioned.
 - Alright, an old fashioned,
 coming up right now.
 Here we go.
 (shaking ice)
Just shake this.
 Glass is here.
 And, oh, it's a
 little harder to open
 than I thought it would be.
 Here's that old fashioned, and
 hold on, hold on right there.
 Cool.
Tell me about something.
 - That's not an old fashioned.
 (cheery music)
 (barroom chatter)
 - How's things been, huh?
How's the wife?
 - She left me.
- Great, how's the job?
 - It's been okay.
 It's all I really
 have right now.
 - [Ian] You keep doing you.
 - I'm gonna, I'm gonna try.
 - Okay, alright, well.
 What can I get you?
 - Can I have a vodka seltzer?
 - Vodka seltzer, sure thing.
 - One.
 (can opens)
 That's the seltzer.
 - This is just
 dish soap and ice.
- Yeah.
 (coughing)
 Here you go.
 (coughing)
 There you are.
 How's things with you?
 - That looks like coke to me.
 - No, it's not, it's
 what you ordered.
 It's the whole, it's
 the vodka stuff.
 - You forgot the liquor too.
- Oh, no, no, no,
there's liquor in there.
 - I'm not gonna drink that.
- Okay, well, you can
tell me about your day.
 - My dog died today.
 - Oh.
 What was his name?
 - I don't wanna talk about it.
 - So how'd the kids take it?
 - I don't really
 wanna talk about it.
- Okay.
Wife doing well?
 - [Customer] Please
 stop asking questions.
 - [Ian] Okay, how'd
 the kids take it?
 - Just get me another drink.
 - Okay, sure.
 Here's your drink.
 - That's the same one.
- Oh, excuse me.
- Where's the bartender?
 - I am the bartender.
 - You're not a bartender.
 - I am the bartender.
 You gotta drink your drink,
 that's the whole thing.
That's our deal, that's
our verbal contract.
 - You're an imposter,
 you're not the bartender.
 - I'm the bartender.
You drink your drink
because you ordered it.
 - I'm not gonna drink that.
- Where'd that lime go?
- Can I just get a beer?
 - [Ian] Sure, I
 can get you a beer.
 Here's your beer.
 How's that go?
- Well now I'm not gonna
put my mouth on that.
 - Why?
 This rag's clean.
 - Dude, what's your problem?
 - I don't have a problem.
 You got your drinks.
- Tell me about-
 How about, you get
 me a vodka seltzer?
 - A vodka seltzer?
 - Yes.
- Okay.
 - I don't want this drink.
- Okay.
 Uh, let's see.
 Here you are.
 There's that.
 What other drink
 would you like then?
 - Something that isn't
 filled with dish soap.
 - There's no liquor in here.
 - There's plenty
 of liquor in there.
 It's just quicker
 than you think it is.
 - Just get my bill.
 - Alright, alright, alright.
 Let's get out of here.
 - Yup.
There, and there's that.
 A little survey at the bottom,
 if you wanna fill that out.
 - You wrote my tip in.
 I'm not tipping you 30 bucks.
 - Well, you gotta pay somehow,
 or I'm gonna have
 to call the bookies.
 - That's it, I'm outta here.
- Alright, well.
- Wait a minute, I do know you!
You were that awful Uber driver!
 - I was not!
 I was a great Uber--
 - We didn't even
 leave the parking lot!
- Yeah--
 - And now you're
 giving me bum drinks.
 I don't--
 - Would you like your receipt?
I got yours real handy.
 - No.
 - Okay, well.
They were nice.
(cheery music)
 - What's happening over here?
 - Huh?
Well, it is what it is.
 - No, you drove out
 my regular customers.
 This is bad!
- Oh no, I don't drive.
 - Incompetent fool.
 There's not even any
 coasters on these drinks.
 You're fired!
Don't come back!
 - That's how easy it
 is to be a barback.
 Tune in next time.
 (cheery music)
 (bell rings)
Hi, I'm Ian, but today,
I'm Housemaid Ian,
 because I'm gonna teach you
 how easy it is to
 be a housemaid.
 Let's take a look at this
 list that we got here.
 Huh.
Clean bathroom, dishes,
and water plants.
 Seems pretty simple.
Let's get to it.
 (cheery music)
 Now the bathroom's clean.
Now it's time to do the dishes.
 Let's see, uh, ah!
There's the dishwasher.
Perfect.
Set it to long, and looks good.
 Alright, dishes done.
 Cool!
 Now it's time to
 water the plants.
(faucet running)
 Now the plants are watered.
Hey, you want me to do that job?
 I can do that job.
 It's easy, I'll show you.
 (door closes)
 (gasping)
 You're back.
 Yeah
 Welcome to your clean home!
 - I, uh, I wouldn't
 call this clean.
- Well, I would.
 I think it's pretty good.
 - Where are the
 maids I paid for?
 - I am the maid you paid for.
 Surprise!
- Are you out to get me?
 - [Ian] No.
 No, I'm here to help.
 - You just seem to
 be consistently here
 and trying to ruin my day.
 It's bad enough
 that I have to live
 in this rundown apartment
 since she left me.
 But now that you are
 just constantly here,
 just right there.
 Okay, all I want is to come
 home to a clean apartment.
 - I think I provided that.
 - Work is tough right now.
 Do you know how hard it is
 to run an entire TV show?
 To be a producer?
 - No, it sounds pretty easy.
 - I wouldn't say it's easy.
 - Hmm.
 That's interesting.
 You know, I'm out
 here, and I'm trying
 to show people how
 easy things are,
 and I'm doing my best.
 Maybe it's not to your liking,
 but I certainly have
 a good time doing it.
(sighing in frustration)
- You have not been good
at any of these things
that you've been doing.
 - Well, I mean,
 hurdles, you know.
You gotta start with the steps.
- But you do have a
certain spunk about you.
 I'll tell you what.
 I don't see anything you
 could be conceivably good at,
 but if I try to
 control the situation,
 maybe this will
 go better for me.
- Okay.
- I have a show that
I'm going to air on PBS,
 and I think that the only
 thing that you're good at
 would be hosting that show.
 - Hmm.
 Sounds pretty easy.
 I'll take it.
 - You have yourself a deal.
 - Mhm, sounds good.
 And that's how easy it
 is to be a housemaid.
 Tune in next time for
 Occupation Nation.
 (cheery music)
