[ROCK MUSIC]
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> John: WELCOME
WELCOME, WELCOME
TO "LAST WEEK TONIGHT."
I'M JOHN OLIVER.
THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR JOINING US.
AND LET'S BEGIN
WITH OUR FIRST AND ONLY STORY:
THE 2016 ELECTION OR,
AS YOU MAY KNOW IT,
"I THOUGHT I WANTED IT TO BE
OVER BUT NOW THAT IT'S OVER
I WISH IT WAS STILL GOING ON
BECAUSE IT TURNS OUT
THE ENDING IS EVEN WORSE..."
20-FUCKING-16.
THE RESULTS ON TUESDAY
WERE A LITTLE DIFFERENT
THAN WHAT JUST OVER HALF
THE VOTERS WANTED.
>> WE CAN NOW PROJECT THE WINNER
OF THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE.
CNN PROJECTS DONALD TRUMP
WINS THE PRESIDENCY.
DONALD J. TRUMP WILL BECOME
THE 45TH PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES.
>> John: IT'S TRUE!
THAT HAPPENED!
IT TURNS OUT, INSTEAD OF SHOWING
OUR DAUGHTERS THEY COULD SOMEDAY
BE PRESIDENT, AMERICA PROVED
THAT NO GRANDPA IS TOO RACIST
TO BECOME THE LEADER
OF THE FREE WORLD.
"LOOK PAPA.
SOMEDAY THAT COULD BE YOU!"
IF YOU'RE LIKE ME,
THE IMPLICATIONS OF THIS
HAVE BEEN HITTING YOU IN WAVES.
ONE MINUTE YOU'RE NUMB AND THE
NEXT MINUTE YOU REALIZE
DONALD TRUMP -- THIS MAN --
WILL SOON HAVE ACCESS
TO THE NUCLEAR CODES.
AND THEN MAYBE YOU GET
DISTRACTED BY DAILY LIFE
UNTIL IT HITS YOU.
OUR FUTURE PRESIDENT
WAS SUPPORTED BY A FORMER
GRAND WIZARD OF THE KLAN,
AND 60 MILLION PEOPLE
VOTED FOR HIM DESPITE THAT
AND THEN MAYBE YOU FINALLY
MANAGE TO GET SOME SLEEP.
BUT WAKE UP REALIZING,
"OH, SHIT.
THE SUPREME COURT!"
BECAUSE REMEMBER
MERRICK GARLAND?
WHO THE REPUBLICANS HAVE REFUSED
TO CONFIRM ALL YEAR?
THE GUY WHOM WE ASKED YOU
TO CHOOSE A SUPREME COURT DOG?
YOU PICKED THIS ONE, BY THE WAY.
WE NEVER ANNOUNCED IT,
BECAUSE WE FIGURED WE'D TELL YOU
WHEN HE WAS CONFIRMED.
WELL, HE'S NOT GETTING
CONFIRMED, AND THAT DOG
IS DEAD NOW.
ACTUALLY NOT REALLY.
SHE'S ACTUALLY FINE.
BUT SHE'S NOT GETTING
ON THE COURT.
>> DONALD TRUMP WILL FILL
THAT SEAT AND MAYBE MORE.
RUTH BADER GINSBURG
IS IN HER 80s.
ANTHONY KENNEDY IS OVER 80.
AND THERE ARE OTHER JUSTICES
WHO HAVE TALKED,
BANDIED ABOUT THE IDEA
OF RETIRING.
BOTTOM LINE, DONALD TRUMP
IS GOING TO SHAPE
THE SUPREME COURT
FOR DECADES TO COME.
>> John: WOW.
THAT IS ONE OF THOSE PHRASES
YOU JUST ASSUMED YOU WOULD NEVER
HAVE TO HEAR.
LIKE "VANILLA ICE IS
PICKING UP HIS NOBEL PRIZE
IN PHYSICS"
OR "HENRY KISSINGER
JUST CAME OUT WITH A LINE
OF SKINNY JEANS.
THEY GO WITH ANYTHING."
IT'S BEEN WAVE AFTER WAVE
OF NAUSEA ALL WEEK.
I WOKE UP ON THURSDAY
FEELING SLIGHTLY BETTER
BUT THEN TURNED ON THE TV
AND SAW TRUMP IN THE OVAL OFFICE
WITH PRESIDENT OBAMA.
JUST LOOK AT PRESIDENT
OBAMA'S FACE.
HE CAN'T BELIEVE
WHAT HE'S LOOKING AT EITHER.
JUST LISTEN TO THE ACTUAL AUDIO
IN THE ROOM.
♪ ♪
FUN FACT:
THAT'S THE NEW NATIONAL ANTHEM.
SEE?
WE'RE LAUGHING!
WE'RE HAVING FUN!
AND THEN YOU REMEMBER:
TRUMP'S GOING TO BE IN CHARGE
OF THE MILITARY AND LEADERS
THERE DO NOT KNOW
WHAT TO EXPECT.
>> THEY HAVE SEEN DONALD TRUMP'S
STATEMENTS ON THE CAMPAIGN
TRAIL, TALKING ABOUT
WATERBOARDING, TALKING ABOUT
BOMBING WITH LITTLE REGARD
TO CIVILIAN CASUALTIES,
TALKING ABOUT TAKING THE OIL
IN IRAQ.
ALL OF THESE THINGS POTENTIALLY
VERY SERIOUS VIOLATIONS
OF INTERNATIONAL LAW,
VIOLATIONS OF THE GENEVA
CONVENTION.
>> John: YES.
OUR PRESIDENT-ELECT HAS,
AT VARIOUS TIMES,
SAID HE'D BOMB CIVILIANS,
LOOT OIL, AND WATERBOARD,
WHICH ISN'T A MILITARY STRATEGY
SO MUCH AS THE SERIES OF WORDS
DONALD RUMSFELD MUTTERS
SO HE CAN STAY HARD
WHILE HE'S MASTURBATING.
AND LOOK.
TRUMP WON THIS ELECTION,
BY WHICH I MEAN HE WON
THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE, WHICH,
FOR REASONS I WILL NEVER
UNDERSTAND NO MATTER HOW MANY
TIMES IT'S EXPLAINED TO ME,
IS HOW THINGS ARE DONE.
AND MANY PEOPLE ARE HAPPY
TO SEE HIM IN OFFICE.
SOME ARE VOTERS WHO THINK
HE'LL BRING JOBS BACK
AND SHAKE UP WASHINGTON.
OTHERS ARE HAPPY SIMPLY BECAUSE
HE ISN'T HILLARY CLINTON.
AND OTHERS, OF COURSE,
ARE VLADIMIR PUTIN
AND SCOTT BAIO.
BUT FOR THE REST OF US,
WE ARE FACED WITH THE SAME
QUESTIONS AS A GUY THAT WOKE UP
THE DAY AFTER A VEGAS
BACHELOR PARTY
DEEP IN THE DESERT, NAKED,
TIED TO A CACTUS
AND A DEAD CLOWN,
NAMELY "HOW THE FUCK
DID WE GET HERE?"
AND "WHAT THE FUCK
DO WE DO NOW?"
BECAUSE DONALD TRUMP
WILL BE PRESIDENT.
AND RESPECTING DEMOCRACY
MEANS ACCEPTING THAT.
ALTHOUGH THERE'S ONE SENTIMENT
THAT I'D ARGUE TAKES THAT
A LITTLE TOO FAR.
>> THE MAN HASN'T EVEN BEEN
A PRESIDENT FOR A DAY YET.
LET'S GIVE HIM A CHANCE
TO BE THE PRESIDENT.
>> GIVE DONALD TRUMP A CHANCE.
>> WE NOW HAVE TO GIVE HIM
A CHANCE AND SEE HOW
HE'LL GOVERN.
>> THE AMERICAN PEOPLE SHOULD
GIVE HIM A CHANCE TO GOVERN
BECAUSE IF HE SUCCEEDS,
WE SUCCEED.
>> John: NOW, IN THE BROADEST
SENSE, I GET THAT IMPULSE.
HOPE FOR THE BEST IN THE FACE
OF VERY LONG ODDS.
IT'S LIKE WE'RE ON A PLANE
AND WE JUST FOUND OUT
OUR PILOT IS A WOMBAT.
I DON'T LIKE THIS,
I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW IT
HAPPENED, AND I'M PRETTY SURE
WE'RE HEADED FOR DISASTER,
BUT WHAT THE HELL.
COME ON, BATTY!
PROVE ME WRONG!
AND OPTIMISM IS NICE
IF YOU CAN SWING IT.
BUT YOU'VE GOT TO BE CAREFUL
BECAUSE IT CAN FEED
INTO THE NORMALIZATION OF
DONALD TRUMP.
AND HE IS NOT NORMAL.
HE IS ABNORMAL.
HE IS A HUMAN "WHAT IS WRONG
WITH THIS PICTURE?"
HE STICKS OUT LIKE A SORE THUMB
AND FRANKLY HE EVEN LOOKS LIKE
A SORE THUMB.
SO GIVING HIM A CHANCE
IN THE SENSE OF NOT SPEAKING OUT
IMMEDIATELY AGAINST POLICIES
HE'S PROPOSED IS DANGEROUS.
BECAUSE SOME OF THEM
ARE ALARMING.
>> JUST SOME OF TRUMP'S
PROMISES: REPEAL AND REPLACE
OBAMACARE, BUILD A WALL ALONG
THE SOUTHERN BORDER WITH MEXICO
AND GET MEXICO TO PAY FOR
SAID WALL, DEPORT ALL
11 TO 12 MILLION UNDOCUMENTED
IMMIGRANTS IN THIS COUNTRY,
INCLUDING CHILDREN,
APPOINT A SPECIAL PROSECUTOR
TO INVESTIGATE
AND POTENTIALLY JAIL
HILLARY CLINTON,
TEMPORARILY BAN MUSLIMS
AND IMMIGRANTS FROM TERROR-PRONE
NATIONS FROM COMING INTO
THE UNITED STATES.
>> John: OKAY, STOP.
BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE
READING THE TO-DO LIST
ON SATAN'S REFRIGERATOR,
WHICH, OF COURSE,
SATAN NO LONGER NEEDS
NOW THAT HELL HAS FROZEN OVER.
AND WHILE SOME ARE ARGUING
TRUMP MIGHT NOT HAVE MEANT
ALL THOSE THINGS,
THAT LEAVES US WITH
TWO DEVASTATING OPTIONS:
EITHER WE JUST ELECTED
A PRESIDENT WHO DIDN'T MEAN
A SINGLE WORD HE SAID
OR WE ELECTED ONE WHO DID.
AND IT'S IMPOSSIBLE
TO KNOW WHICH ONE.
EARLIER TONIGHT,
HE DID HIS FIRST MAJOR
POST-ELECTION INTERVIEW
AND WAS ASKED ABOUT OBAMACARE
WHICH, REMEMBER, HE HAD LABELED
A DISASTER.
>> WHEN YOU REPLACE IT,
ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE SURE
THAT PEOPLE WITH PRE-CONDITIONS
ARE STILL COVERED?
>> YES.
BECAUSE IT HAPPENS TO BE
ONE OF THE STRONGEST ASSETS.
>> YOU'RE GOING TO KEEP IT?
>> ALSO WITH THE CHILDREN
LIVING WITH THEIR PARENTS
FOR AN EXTENDED PERIOD,
WE'RE GOING TO...
>> YOU'RE GOING TO KEEP THAT?
>> VERY MUCH TRY AND KEEP THAT.
>> John: OKAY.
GET READY FOR A BARELY CHANGED
VERSION OF OBAMACARE CALLED
"TRUMPCARE," WHICH SOUNDS LIKE
A HEALTH CARE PLAN WHERE
DOCTORS FEEL YOUR BREASTS
FOR LUMPS WHETHER YOU ASKED THEM
TO OR NOT.
BUT DON'T GET COMPLACENT
THAT HE'S GOING TO KEEP
THOSE ASPECTS OF OBAMACARE.
HE MIGHT CHANGE HIS MIND
ON THAT AGAIN.
TRUMP IS LIKE A MAGIC 8 BALL.
EVERY TIME YOU SHAKE HIM
HE GIVES YOU A DIFFERENT ANSWER
AND SOMETIMES THE ANSWER
IS JUST "BIG LEAGUE"
OR "THAT'S SOME BODY
ON MY DAUGHTER, RIGHT?"
SO WE HAVE TO TAKE ALL OF
TRUMP'S PROMISES SERIOUSLY.
AND THE TRUTH IS,
THEY WERE NOT UNIVERSALLY BAD.
FOR INSTANCE,
HE RAN ON A PROMISE
TO "DRAIN THE SWAMP,"
CRACKING DOWN ON CORRUPTION
AND ENDING THE REIGN OF
WASHINGTON INSIDERS,
WHICH SOUNDS GREAT.
SO LET'S TRY AND BE POSITIVE.
WHAT ARE THE EARLY SIGNS
ON THAT?
>> SOME OF THE POTENTIAL CABINET
MEMBERS BEING REPORTED BY CNN
THAT ARE UNDER CONSIDERATION.
RUDY GIULIANI, NEWT GINGRICH,
CHRIS CHRISTIE, REINCE PRIEBUS.
>> John: RIGHT.
SO THAT'S
THE LONG-TIME HEAD OF THE RNC,
A FORMER SPEAKER WHO ENTERED
CONGRESS IN 1979,
A FORMER MAYOR TURNED
PROFESSIONAL ASSHOLE,
AND A MAN WHOSE NAME IS MORE
SYNONYMOUS WITH SCANDAL
THAN SHONDA FUCKING RHIMES.
THAT'S SO SWAMPY,
YOU'RE GONNA NEED TO SWAP OUT
AIR FORCE ONE FOR ONE OF THOSE
SHALLOW-BOTTOM BOATS
WITH A BIG FAN ON THE BACK.
AND IT ACTUALLY MAKES SENSE
FOR TRUMP TO APPOINT PEOPLE
WITH SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCE
IN GOVERNMENT.
UNTIL A FEW DAYS AGO,
THE HIGHEST OFFICE
HE'D EVER HELD WAS ON
THE 26TH FLOOR OF
A SHITTY BUILDING
ON FIFTH AVENUE.
BUT SOME OF THE PEOPLE
HE'S BRINGING IN ARE HORRIFYING.
HIS TRANSITION TEAM
INCLUDES PEOPLE LIKE
KEN BLACKWELL,
WHO'S ARGUED THAT HOMOSEXUALITY
IS A CHOICE, AND HE'S NAMED
MYRON EBELL TO LEAD HIS EPA
TRANSITION TEAM, MAKING HIM
A FRONTRUNNER FOR ADMINISTRATOR,
DESPITE THIS...
>> THE WHOLE CASE FOR GLOBAL
WARMING I BELIEVE IS SILLY,
AND I BELIEVE THE VAST MAJORITY
OF SCIENTISTS THINK IT'S SILLY,
AND THEREFORE I'M A LITTLE BIT
EMBARRASSED THAT I WASTE MY TIME
ON A SILLY ISSUE.
>> John: OKAY, FIRST OF ALL,
THE VAST MAJORITY OF SCIENTISTS
BELIEVE HUMANS ARE CONTRIBUTING
TO CLIMATE CHANGE.
SECONDLY, THIS MAN DOES NOT HAVE
A SCIENCE DEGREE.
HE WOULDN'T EVEN BE QUALIFIED
TO HEAD THE AGENCY
OF BAKING SODA VOLCANOES.
SO HOW THE FUCK DID WE GET HERE?
WELL, CLEARLY, THERE ARE MANY
POSSIBLE ANSWERS
TO THAT QUESTION,
INCLUDING MISLEADING
FORECASTS THAT BRED COMPLACENCY,
A FLAWED CANDIDATE WHO FAILED
TO APPEAL TO WHITE RURAL
AND WORKING-CLASS VOTERS,
AND -- AND THIS IS
WORTH REPEATING --
DEEP RACISM AND/OR INDIFFERENCE
TO IT.
AND FOR THOSE, INCLUDING US,
WHO WERE SHOCKED BY TUESDAY,
WE'RE GOING TO BE EXAMINING
ALL OF THIS FOR YEARS.
BUT FOR TONIGHT, LET'S LOOK
AT ONE NARROW ELEMENT THAT
MAY HAVE HELPED BRING US HERE,
BECAUSE IT WILL BE IMPORTANT
GOING FORWARD:
THAT IS OUR MEDIA.
SPECIFICALLY, HOW A SYSTEM
THAT'S SUPPOSED TO CATCH
A SERIAL LIAR FAILED.
AND I'M NOT JUST REFERRING
TO MAINSTREAM TV NEWS,
ALTHOUGH SOME DID WAIT
FAR TOO LONG TO TAKE TRUMP
SERIOUSLY, GIVING HIM BILLIONS
OF DOLLARS' WORTH OF FREE MEDIA.
CNN SOMETIMES RAN HIS SPEECHES
ALMOST IN THEIR ENTIRETY,
AND THEIR PRESIDENT JEFF ZUCKER
NOW ADMITS THAT MIGHT NOT HAVE
BEEN A GOOD IDEA.
>> I'D SAY THAT IF WE MADE
A MISTAKE LAST YEAR, IT'S THAT
WE PROBABLY DID PUT ON TOO MANY
OF HIS CAMPAIGN RALLIES IN THOSE
EARLY MONTHS, UNEDITED
AND JUST LET THEM RUN.
AND I THINK, IN HINDSIGHT,
WE PROBABLY SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE
THAT AS MUCH.
>> John: YEAH.
IT TURNS OUT HINDSIGHT,
MUCH LIKE THE YEAR WE'RE ALL
NOW DESPERATELY LOOKING FORWARD
TO, IS 20/20.
AND THAT'S NOT TO SAY THERE
WASN'T SOME GREAT COVERAGE
OF TRUMP IN THIS ELECTION,
FROM OUTLETS LIKE
THE WASHINGTON POST
AND THE NEW YORK TIMES.
EVEN CNN EVENTUALLY PIVOTED
AND BEGAN CORRECTING TRUMP IN
LOWER-THIRD GRAPHICS, SUCH AS:
"TRUMP: I NEVER SAID JAPAN
SHOULD HAVE NUKES.
PARENTHESIS, HE DID."
AND THAT'S GOOD JOURNALISM.
IF I GAVE A SPEECH SAYING
I'M THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE,
IT WOULD BE FAIR TO TAG
THAT WITH
"PARENTHESIS, LOOK AT HIM."
THAT'S A MEAN JOKE TO LAUGH AT.
THE PROBLEM IS, THE IMPACT
OF CORRECTIONS LIKE THAT
WHICH MIGHT HAVE SUNK
A CANDIDATE IN ANOTHER ERA
WAS COMPROMISED.
BECAUSE THERE IS NO LONGER
A CONSENSUS ON WHAT A FACT IS.
TRUST IN MAINSTREAM MEDIA
OUTLETS HAS BEEN FALLING,
AND PEOPLE CAN CHOOSE TO GET
THEIR NEWS FROM ECHO CHAMBERS
THAT VALIDATE THEIR VIEWS.
AND THERE'S NOTHING INHERENTLY
WRONG WITH MEDIA THAT HAS
A VIEWPOINT.
THIS SHOW HAS A VIEWPOINT.
WE FACT-CHECK EVERYTHING WE SAY,
BUT I DON'T PRETEND TO BE
NEUTRAL ON THINGS LIKE
CRIMINAL JUSTICE REFORM --
I'M FOR IT,
COLDPLAY --
I'M AGAINST IT,
OR DEWALT LADDERS --
THEY'RE A SEAMLESS BLEND
OF STYLE AND PERFORMANCE.
WALKING UP ONE IS LIKE ASCENDING
TO HEAVEN ON A GOLDEN CLOUD.
I'M NOT BEING PAID TO SAY THAT.
I'M JUST A FAN.
BUT A HEALTHY MEDIA DIET
HAS TO BE BROADER.
UNFORTUNATELY, THE WAY
MANY OF US CONSUME NEWS NOW
IS MICRO-TARGETED.
>> THE MAJORITY OF AMERICANS,
62%, SAY THEY GET THEIR NEWS
FROM SOCIAL MEDIA,
ACCORDING TO PEW RESEARCH.
44% OF ALL ADULTS SAY THEY GET
NEWS SPECIFICALLY FROM FACEBOOK.
>> John: IT'S TRUE.
NEWS IS NOW ONE OF THE THREE
THINGS WE GET FROM SOCIAL MEDIA,
THE OTHER TWO BEING OUR ENTIRE
SENSE OF SELF-WORTH
AND PICTURES OF SHAVED ALPACAS.
AND FAKE FACTS CIRCULATE
ON SOCIAL MEDIA
TO A FRIGHTENING EXTENT.
YOU MAY HAVE SEEN THIS QUOTE
FROM DONALD TRUMP ONLINE
ABOUT REPUBLICANS BEING DUMB.
HE NEVER SAID THAT.
IT'S NOT TRUE.
JUST AS IT'S NOT TRUE THAT
THE POPE ENDORSED TRUMP.
OF COURSE HE DIDN'T.
BUT THAT STORY WAS SHARED
ALMOST A MILLION TIMES,
WHICH IS ABSURD.
EVERYONE KNOWS THE CANDIDATE
THE POPE ENDORSED
WAS JOE EXOTIC.
THEY HAVE VERY SIMILAR VIEWS
ON DEREGULATING TIGER PRESERVES.
PLEASE SHARE THIS NEWS
A MILLION TIMES.
THERE'S NOW A WHOLE COTTAGE
INDUSTRY SPECIALIZING IN
HYPER-PARTISAN, SOMETIMES
WILDLY DISTORTED CLICKBAIT.
BUZZFEED NEWS RESEARCHED
SITES LIKE ADDICTING INFO
ON THE LEFT AND FREEDOM DAILY
ON THE RIGHT, BOTH OF WHICH HAVE
OVER A MILLION FOLLOWERS ON
FACEBOOK, PUTTING THEM
IN THE SAME RANGE AS
ANDERSON COOPER 360
AND FOUND THEM TO BE PUBLISHING
MANY VIRAL ARTICLES CONTAINING
FLAT-OUT FALSEHOODS.
>> OVER TWO WEEKS, 38% OF NEWS
ON SOME REPUBLICAN-LEANING
FACEBOOK PAGES WAS PARTLY
OR COMPLETELY FALSE,
COMPARED TO 19% OF NEWS
SHARED ON SOME DEMOCRAT-LEANING
FACEBOOK PAGES.
>> John: AND BEFORE YOU SAY,
"REPUBLICANS ARE TWICE AS BAD,"
19% IS STILL TERRIBLE.
AND IT'S NOT NEWS THERE'S
MISINFORMATION ON FACEBOOK.
JUST LOOK AT THE RELATIONSHIP
STATUS "IT'S COMPLICATED,"
THE ACCURATE VERSION OF WHICH
WOULD BE,
"IN THREE WEEKS I'LL BE SINGLE,
BUT I CAN'T ADMIT IT YET."
BUT THESE SITES CAN WARP
YOUR VIEWS PRETTY FAST.
YOUR NEWS FEED MAY HAVE BEEN
FULL OF "THE TIMES"
AND "POST" STORIES ABOUT
DONALD TRUMP'S ACTUAL SCANDALS,
BUT MANY AMERICANS LOGGED
ONTO FACEBOOK EVERY DAY
AND SAW SHIT LIKE THIS.
AND THIS CESSPOOL OF NONSENSE
WOULD BE A PROBLEM ANYWAY
WERE IT NOT FOR THE FACT
THAT ONE OF THE PEOPLE
IN THRALL TO IT IS
OUR FUTURE PRESIDENT.
BACK IN MARCH, HE CLAIMED THAT
A MAN WHO'D RUSHED THE STAGE
AT ONE OF HIS RALLIES
HAD TIES TO ISIS, SOMETHING THAT
HAD CIRCULATED ONLINE
AND HAD BEEN FOUND TO BE UNTRUE.
AND WHEN THAT WAS POINTED OUT
TO HIM, THIS WAS HIS RESPONSE.
>> THERE'S NO TIES TO ISIS
FOR THIS MAN, NO LAW ENFORCEMENT
OFFICIAL, AND THIS VIDEO THAT
YOU LINK TO APPEARS TO BE
A HOAX.
>> WHAT DO I KNOW ABOUT IT?
ALL I KNOW IS WHAT'S ON
THE INTERNET.
>> John: OKAY,
BEING ON THE INTERNET
IS NOT A HIGH BAR FOR ACCURACY.
IF I EDITED WIKIPEDIA TO SAY
THAT DIANNE WIEST'S REAL NAME
IS DIANNE FROSTED MINI-WIEST,
OUR NEXT PRESIDENT WOULD BELIEVE
THAT TO BE TRUE.
IN FACT, DURING THE CAMPAIGN,
TRUMP ROUTINELY USED HIS
PLATFORM TO SHARE WILDLY
INCORRECT INFORMATION.
AND EVEN FELLOW CONSERVATIVES
TRIED TO POINT OUT
HOW IRRESPONSIBLE THIS WAS.
>> YOU TWEETED OUT THAT WHITES
KILLED BY BLACKS, THESE ARE
STATISTICS YOU PICKED UP FROM
SOMEWHERE, AT A RATE OF 81%.
AND THAT'S TOTALLY WRONG.
WHITES KILLED BY BLACKS IS 15%.
>> HEY, BILL, AM I GONNA CHECK
EVERY STATISTIC?
I GET MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF
PEOPLE @RealDonaldTrump,
BY THE WAY.
>> YOU'VE GOT TO.
YOU'RE A PRESIDENTIAL CONTENDER.
YOU GOT TO CHECK IT.
>> I HAVE MILLIONS OF PEOPLE --
YOU KNOW WHAT?
FINE, BUT THIS CAME OUT OF
RADIO SHOWS AND EVERYTHING ELSE.
>> John: OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
"I GOT IT FROM RADIO"
IS MAYBE THE WEIRDEST NONSENSE
EXPLANATION I'VE EVER HEARD,
LIKE IF SOMEONE SAID,
"THIS SANDWICH TASTES WEIRD"
AND YOU SAID, "BUT I FOUND IT
IN A HOLE!
IF THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG
WITH IT, THEN WHAT WAS IT DOING
SITTING IN A HOLE?"
AND THAT'S THE EVIL GENIUS
AT WORK HERE.
WEIRD CONSPIRACY BULLSHIT HAS
ALWAYS BEEN BUBBLING UNDER THE
SURFACE, BUT TRUMP WAS THE FIRST
MAJOR CANDIDATE TO HARNESS
AND FULLY LEGITIMIZE IT.
IT'S OBVIOUS IN HINDSIGHT.
HE CAME ALONG AND TOLD MILLIONS
OF PEOPLE, "EVERY CRAZY EMAIL
YOU'VE EVER FORWARDED WAS TRUE."
AND THAT IS, AT LEAST IN PART,
WHY HE WILL BE
OUR NEXT PRESIDENT.
AND TO THEIR CREDIT,
SOME REPUBLICAN LAWMAKERS WERE
CALLING HIM OUT ON THIS DURING
THE CAMPAIGN.
>> I'M GOING TO TELL YOU WHAT
I REALLY THINK OF DONALD TRUMP.
THIS MAN IS A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR.
HE DOESN'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN TRUTH AND LIES.
>> John: HE WAS RIGHT.
HE WAS JUST RIGHT.
BUT BEFORE YOU THINK REPUBLICANS
MIGHT STAND UP TO TRUMP,
I'LL REMIND YOU
BY THE END OF THE CAMPAIGN,
TED CRUZ, LIKE MANY OTHERS,
NOT ONLY SAID HE'D VOTE FOR HIM,
BUT WAS DOING THIS:
>> HI, THIS IS TED CRUZ CALLING.
I WAS CALLING TO ENCOURAGE YOU
TO COME OUT AND VOTE
ON ELECTION DAY.
>> John: WOW,
THAT IS HARD TO WATCH.
"HI, THIS IS TED CRUZ, JUST
CALLING TO REMIND YOU TO VOTE
FOR A MAN WHO INSULTED MY WIFE
AND SAID MY DAD HELPED KILL JFK.
ANYWAY, LIFE HAS NO MEANING,
THANK YOU, AND I WANT TO DIE.
TAKE CARE NOW!
GOD IS DEAD!"
GOOD-BYE NOW.
GOOD-BYE.
SO THERE IS VERY LITTLE
HOLDING TRUMP BACK.
AND REMEMBER IN JANUARY,
HE WILL BE
SWORN INTO OFFICE.
AND THERE'S ANOTHER WAVE
OF NAUSEA.
IT HITS YOU IN SMALL WAYS
AND LARGE.
FOR INSTANCE, HAD YOU CONSIDERED
THE FACT PORTRAITS OF TRUMP ARE
GOING TO BE HANGING IN AIRPORTS?
OR THAT THE MAN WHO DISPARAGED
A GOLD STAR FAMILY WILL NOW BE
EXPECTED TO COMFORT THE FAMILIES
OF FALLEN SOLDIERS?
AND MAYBE YOU'VE TRIED TO MAKE
YOURSELF FEEL BETTER,
FANTASIZING THAT HE MIGHT GOOGLE
"HOW MUCH DOES THE PRESIDENT
GET PAID," GET DEPRESSED,
AND RESIGN.
BUT THAT'S WHEN YOU REMEMBER
MIKE FUCKING PENCE,
WHO MIGHT BE EVEN WORSE.
BECAUSE HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S FROM
THE 1950s, BUT HE THINKS LIKE
HE'S FROM THE 1650s.
"OH, WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY?
HER PREGNANCY WAS TERMINATED
BEFORE BIRTH?
CLEARLY SHE IS A WITCH.
HOLD A FUNERAL FOR THE FETUS
AND THROW THE MOTHER IN A LAKE."
AND I KNOW THIS IS ALL
DEPRESSING, BUT IT DOES BRING US
BACK TO THE IMPORTANT QUESTION:
"WHAT THE FUCK DO WE DO NOW?"
AND FOR THE RECORD,
THE ANSWER IS NOT
"MOVE TO CANADA."
LITERALLY THE ONLY EXCUSE TO
EVER MIGRATE TO CANADA IS IF YOU
WERE BORN THERE ORIGINALLY,
IT'S SPRINGTIME,
AND YOU ARE A GOOSE.
THAT'S IT.
THAT IS IT.
NO, WE'RE GOING TO NEED TO STAY
HERE AND FIGHT.
AND NOT JUST POLITICALLY
IN FOUR YEARS, WHEN HE'S UP FOR
RE-ELECTION, BUT CONSTANTLY,
MONITORING LEGISLATION
AS IT MOVES THROUGH CONGRESS,
AND FUCKING VOTING WHEN
YOUR LEGISLATORS COME UP
FOR RE-ELECTION IN TWO YEARS.
BUT THAT'S STILL BELOW
THE BAREST MINIMUM
OF WHAT'S GOING TO BE NEEDED.
BECAUSE FOR THE LAST
EIGHT YEARS, WE'VE HAD
A PRESIDENT WE COULD ASSUME
WOULD GENERALLY STAND UP
FOR THE RIGHTS OF ALL AMERICANS.
BUT THAT IS GOING TO CHANGE NOW.
SO WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO
ACTIVELY STAND UP
FOR ONE ANOTHER.
AND IT CAN'T BE SOUNDING OFF
ON THE INTERNET OR SHARING
THINKPIECES OR VIDEOS LIKE THIS
ONE THAT ECHO AROUND YOUR
BUBBLE.
I'M TALKING ABOUT ACTUAL
SACRIFICE TO SUPPORT PEOPLE
WHO ARE NOW UNDER THREAT.
IF YOU CAN AFFORD THE TIME
OR MONEY, SUPPORT ORGANIZATIONS
THAT ARE GOING TO NEED HELP
UNDER A TRUMP ADMINISTRATION.
FOR INSTANCE, IF YOU'RE
CONCERNED ABOUT WOMEN'S HEALTH,
DONATE TO PLANNED PARENTHOOD
OR THE CENTER
FOR REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS.
IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE MANMADE
GLOBAL WARMING IS A SILLY ISSUE,
DONATE TO THE NATURAL RESOURCES
DEFENSE COUNCIL.
IF YOU DON'T THINK REFUGEES
ARE A TERRORIST ARMY
IN DISGUISE,
DONATE TO THE INTERNATIONAL
REFUGEE ASSISTANCE PROJECT.
OH, AND GIVEN THESE GUYS'
TRACK RECORD, I'D ALSO RECOMMEND
DONATIONS TO THE NAACP
LEGAL DEFENSE FUND,
THE TREVOR PROJECT
FOR LGBTQ YOUTH,
AND THE MEXICAN AMERICAN
LEGAL DEFENSE
AND EDUCATIONAL FUND.
THAT LAST ONE WOULD BE PERFECT
IF YOUR COMPASSION FOR LATINOS
GOES BEYOND, SAY, OCCASIONALLY
EATING A FUCKING TACO BOWL.
AND DO CHECK THE BOX
FOR RECURRING DONATIONS
IF YOU CAN, BECAUSE THIS IS NOT
A SHORT-TERM PROBLEM.
ALSO, FOR A DASH OF FUN,
I'LL POINT OUT IF YOU HAVE
RELATIVES WHO SUPPORTED TRUMP,
YOU CAN GIVE MONEY
IN THEIR NAME.
SO CONSIDER YOUR HOLIDAY
SHOPPING THIS YEAR DONE.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS, NANA.
THE TREVOR PROJECT THANKS YOU.
AND THERE'S ONE MORE GROUP
I WOULD SINGLE OUT FOR HELP,
AND THAT'S THE PRESS.
BECAUSE, AS WE'VE SEEN, TRUMP IS
A MASTERFUL DENIER OF BOTH
REALITY AND RESPONSIBILITY.
HE IS A MAN WHO WOULD
KICK YOU IN THE NUTS AND THEN
TELL YOU THAT YOUR PENIS DID IT.
SO THE PRESS IS GOING TO FACE
CHALLENGES NOT JUST BECAUSE
TRUMP'S CHIEF STRATEGIST IS
STEVE BANNON OF BREITBART NEWS
BUT ALSO BECAUSE OF YET ANOTHER
PROMISE TRUMP MADE.
>> IF I BECOME PRESIDENT
THEY'RE GONNA HAVE PROBLEMS.
OH, THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE
SUCH PROBLEMS.
I'M GOING TO OPEN UP
OUR LIBEL LAWS SO WHEN THEY
WRITE PURPOSELY NEGATIVE
AND HORRIBLE AND FALSE ARTICLES,
WE CAN SUE THEM AND WIN LOTS
OF MONEY.
WE'RE GOING TO OPEN UP
THOSE LIBEL LAWS.
>> John: OKAY, WELL, FIRST,
THERE IS NO FEDERAL LIBEL LAWS.
FOR TRUMP TO OPEN UP.
AND AS MANY SUPPOSED RECIPIENTS
OF TRUMP'S CHARITABLE GIFTS
WILL TELL YOU, YOU CAN'T OPEN
SOMETHING UP IF IT
DOESN'T EXIST.
BUT THAT ATTITUDE OF PUNISHING
THE PRESS IS GENUINELY WORRISOME
NOW THAT HE'S PRESIDENT.
SO INSTEAD OF SHARING
PARTISAN MEMES YOU FOUND ON
Republigoofs.redneck
AND Democrappy.cuck
YOU NEED TO SUPPORT ACTUAL
JOURNALISM BY BUYING
A SUBSCRIPTION TO OUTLETS
LIKE THE TIMES OR THE POST
OR YOUR LOCAL NEWSPAPER.
OR DONATING TO GROUPS LIKE
PROPUBLICA, A NONPROFIT WHICH
DOES GREAT INVESTIGATIVE
JOURNALISM.
THE POINT IS, IF WE DON'T GET
ACTIVELY INVOLVED TO AT LEAST
MITIGATE TRUMP'S DAMAGE,
THINGS WILL NOT BE OKAY.
AND YES, THE SUN WILL RISE
EACH DAY, BUT THE CONTINUING
ROTATION OF THE EARTH SHOULD NOT
BE YOUR BASELINE EXPECTATION
OF AMERICAN SOCIETY.
AND I JUST NEED TO ASK YOU
ONE MORE THING.
IT'S GOING TO BE TOO EASY FOR
THINGS TO START FEELING NORMAL,
ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE SOMEONE
WHO IS NOT DIRECTLY IMPACTED
BY HIS ACTIONS.
SO KEEP REMINDING YOURSELF
THIS IS NOT NORMAL.
WRITE IT ON A POST-IT NOTE
AND STICK IT
ON YOUR REFRIGERATOR.
HIRE A SKY WRITER
ONCE A MONTH.
TATTOO IT ON YOUR ASS.
BECAUSE A KLAN-BACKED,
MISOGYNIST INTERNET TROLL
IS GOING TO BE DELIVERING
THE NEXT
STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS.
AND THAT'S NOT NORMAL.
IT'S FUCKED UP.
AND THE ONLY THING THAT GIVES ME
ONE DEGREE OF COMFORT IS THAT
I THINK PART OF TRUMP MIGHT BE
REALIZING THAT NOW TOO.
JUST LOOK AT HIS FACE
AFTER MEETING WITH PAUL RYAN
AND GETTING A GLIMPSE OF
WHAT THE JOB ENTAILS.
HERE'S THE ACTUAL AUDIO
FROM THAT.
♪ ♪
I FEEL THE SAME.
LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENS
FROM HERE.
AND THIS IS ACTUALLY
OUR FINAL SHOW OF THE YEAR.
AND NORMALLY, ON OUR LAST SHOW,
WE MASH UP ELEMENTS
FROM THE SEASON AND DANCE AROUND
IN THE STUDIO.
BUT THAT DOESN'T REALLY SEEM
APPROPRIATE.
NOT JUST BECAUSE OF THE ELECTION
BUT BECAUSE 2016 HAS BEEN
AN UNCOMMONLY SHITTY YEAR.
FROM THE ONGOING CRISIS
IN SYRIA TO ZIKA
TO RYAN LOCHTE BEING A DOUCHE
TO A SEEMINGLY ENDLESS
STRING OF CELEBRITY DEATHS,
INCLUDING JUST THIS WEEK
LEONARD COHEN.
SO WE'VE PUT SOMETHING TOGETHER
ABOUT HOW AWFUL THIS YEAR
HAS BEEN.
WE STARTED IT A LITTLE WHILE
AGO, BUT IT NOW FEELS MORE
PRESCIENT THAN EVER.
BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH THIS YEAR
STILL HAS SEVEN WEEKS LEFT,
I'M CALLING IT EARLY.
2016 HAS BEEN THE FUCKING WORST.
SO THANKS FOR WATCHING.
PLEASE ENJOY THIS TRIBUTE
TO A TRULY TERRIBLE YEAR.
>> 2016 HAS BEEN ONE CALAMITY
AFTER ANOTHER.
REMEMBERED FOR THE GIANT
CALAMITY WE ALL JUST WITNESSED.
WE SHOULDN'T LOSE SIGHT OF THE
OTHER MULTIPLE WAYS THIS HAS
BEEN A SHIT YEAR.
>> ARRAYS 2016 OFF THE CALENDAR.
>> A ROTTEN YEAR.
>> IT BLEW.
IT WAS AWFUL.
>> FOR THE EU, IT WAS A CRABBY
YEAR.
>> BREXIT, A MESS.
>> SYRIAN REFUGEE CRISIS,
TERRIBLE.
>> LOTS OF SEXISM BEING BLATANT.
>> IT'S DISGUSTING.
>> THE NEW YORK JETS SOCKET.
THE YANKEES MISSED THE PLAYOFFS.
>> I DON'T LIKE KEVIN DURANT
GOING TO GOLDEN STATE.
THAT WAS A CHICKEN SHIT MOVE.
>> I GOT BROKEN UP WITH.
>> HAD A GIRLFRIEND, BROKE UP
WITH ME TWO MONTHS AGO.
>> MY LANDLORD SAID.
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
SPEAK
YOU >> SB 17 YEAR.
>> TOO MANY DEATHS.
>> PRINCE.
>> DAVID BOWIE.
>> DAVID BOWIE.
>> MY DOG.
>> TRIBE CALLED QUEST.
I GREW UP ON THAT.
>> WHAT HE REPRESENTS FOR BLACK
PEOPLE IN AMERICA.
>> FLOAT LIKE A BUTTERFLY, STING
LIKE A BEE.
>> GENE WILDER.
>> ALAN RICKMAN.
>> THIS YEAR DID SUCK.
>> FUCK YOU, 2016.
>> BAD YEAR.
>> SHIT YEAR.
>> FUCK U, 2016.
>> FUCK, 2016.
>> FUCK YOU, 2016.
>> 2016, FUCK OFF.
>> WELL BELOW MY STANDARDS OF
QUALITY.
>> FUCK YOU, 2016.
>> HEY, 2016, GO PUNCH YOURSELF
IN THE DICK.
>> FUCK YOU, 2016.
>> HEY,
FUCK YOU,
2016
>>
>> FUCK, 2016.
>> 2016, FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY
HEART, GO FUCK YOURSELF.
>> FUCK YOU, 2016.
FUCK YOU.
♪ ♪
>> John: THAT'S OUR SHOW.
THANKS SO MUCH FOR WATCHING.
LET'S ALL TRY HARDER NEXT YEAR.
GOOD NIGHT.
