- Oh, sweetie, you have
to be homeschooled.
I don't want you to go
into a public school
where it's so icky and
covered in germs, ugh!
Nobody wants that.
- Hey, you want to go eat
lunch on the concrete ground
covered in dried gum and
needles and dead squirrels
next to the vending
machine in the trash can.
For lunch, I brought
Doritos and peanut butter
put in a Ziploc bag.
After I ate it, we could
make out if you want.
- [All] I pledge allegiance to the flag
of the United States of America.
- I pledge allegiance to my mom.
TikTok, and my adderall,
so I don't fall into a
deep state of hysteria.
Amen.
- Okay, we got a busy day today.
First, we have virtual
science camp at 8:30,
followed by violin practice
and foreign language immersion,
which will bleed right
into a tie-dye funsie,
Then we'll be a little naughty
and plan our five person prom
until I finally allow myself
3.3 hours of socializing
at Becky's house to ensure that I become
a well adjusted adult
and not one of those
weird homeschool kids.
(girl laughs)
I'm talking to myself, (beep)!
- Sometimes its a
kickback and not a party.
- Okay, I'm just going to go over there
and stand by these kids who hate me
just so I don't look like a loser.
- Can I come to your house on Monday?
- No, absolutely not.
- Hey guys!
- [All] Hey, guys!
- Oh, I hate you,
but only because we
secretly want to be you,
isn't that right, everyone?
Oh, shoot and fiddlesticks.
I've said something weird
out loud instead of inside!
And I'm on such thin ice
with the cool kids already.
I need a distraction.
Distraction!
What is your favorite sitcom?
- I love "Two and a Half Men" so much.
- "Two and a Half Men!"
- Yes, crisis averted, everyone.
You've been distracted.
- Oh yeah.
Wait, what were we thinking about before?
- I like "Two and a Half Men," too!
(all babble mockingly)
- I want to wear your skin as a suit!
- Oh, mom, I feel really bad today.
(boy coughs)
- Oh baby, sweetie pie pie, no!
(boy coughs)
You stay home today and rest up, okay?
I love you, baby, bye bye.
- Hey, she bought it, boys.
All right, now time to stay in bed
and play video games all day.
Guys?
Oh gosh darn it.
Hello, you guys there?
Okay, what I had said was,
hey, she bought it boys!
You know what? Moment's gone.
(boy coughs)
- Aw.
My baby is so sick.
You know what?
You don't have to do any schoolwork today.
- (sighs) thank you.
- But the Bible isn't schoolwork.
Memorize the New Testament before noon.
- Oh Jesus.
- Hallelujah.
- No escape.
- Now you see son,
the US government and the
public school teachers,
or as I like to call
them, the brainwashers,
what they don't want you to know
is that the UN has
already been infiltrated
by at least two aliens.
And they hold the key to global warming,
but they're not ready to give it to us
because we are too violent of a species.
And that concludes your history lesson.
And see, that's the thing about your
college educated teachers.
Yeah, I'm a gym teacher,
but I know things that they don't.
They're not going to tell
you all about how Tupac
is living on an island with Elvis,
staying away from the 5G.
They thought they could
get away with the 4G.
I don't know how many Gs
that tower's putting out.
I'm feeling those Gs.
Who's watching the cemeteries?
I'm not.
But you know who is, the NSA.
You know why we're sweating?
Chem trail dust.
Do you know why you got depression?
We're drinking water, mind
control device fluid in it.
Do you know how babies are even born?
It's the reptilians.
Hey, Finkle!
Squat deeper.
Finkle, I know you can
squat deeper than that.
Come on.
That was pretty good.
That was pretty good one.
- Okay, so get this.
Erin has a crush on Jill,
but Jill isn't interested
because she is in love with Tina!
But get this even more.
Tina has a crush on Aaron
and she has no idea that
Jill has a crush on her!
- Oh yeah?
Well my three frogs (beep)
each other every day.
And let me tell ya, it's hot.
- Oh, that sounds hot.
- Oh my God, they're doing it right now.
- Can you FaceTime?
- Oh my God.
Oh my God!
Oh my God.
- (sighs) Gosh, Derek is so cute,
but it'll never work out
because he's the quarterback
and he doesn't even know I exist.
- Hey professor, I peed my shirt again.
Can I use the restroom?
- Golly, Chris is so cute,
but it would never work out.
He's just so famous and he
doesn't even know I exist.
That's Chris Pratt.
When he was on that one Smosh show.
You posted that.
You can go look up the video now.
It really happened.
- Stop.
That's wrong.
- No, this is, we're free to do it.
This is America.
- [Girl] What class is this?
- How to make--
- Sex ed?
- [Girl] Yeah. Makes sense.
- (laughs) oh, (beep)
oh, I worked so hard.
- I was talking to myself.
Normal, well adjusted adults do that.
Right, they do that?
Well adjusted people
do that, Piglet please.
- Distraction.
Uh oh, the British are coming!
And they're here!
I will greet them.
- The British suck, America, am I right?
- (beep) off!
- What are you saying?
- We don't like you.
- We hate America.
(girl gagging)
- My previous thing was a lie.
I have eaten a PVC pipe
and need to be driven to the hospital.
(all laugh)
And that's how you ruin a scene!
Gosh, Derek is so cute.
(Derek spits)
- [Woman Offscreen] Oh my God.
- Hey guys, thanks so much--
(others babble mockingly)
- So cool.
Wanna find that even more cool videos?
We have a video over there.
You're gonna watch that one.
If you've watched this one,
have you been paying attention?
- If you don't pay attention,
you will end up like Austin.
Austin is not allowed to move.
- It's also like,
because he doesn't wear
cool Smosh clothes,
which we have over there.
And then if you want to
subscribe to Smosh or whatever,
we have a button down there.
- Nom!
- That's right.
What do you think about that?
- I think so many things about everything.
