[Chris] Oh, come on, man. You can't be serious.
What the fu--
[bouncy EDM plays]
[music fades out]
[door closes]
[Phil coughing]
[Phil] Oh, my God. I should not have sniffed those markers, man.
Yo, Chris...
Chris.
Chris!
- What?
- I'm bored.
- What do you want? You're bored?
- Yeah.
- What do you want me to do about that?
[clears throat]
- The hell is that?
- Hey...
Hey, don't look at that. Okay?
- Dude...
What the...
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- What?...
- Just leave it.
Okay, stop.
It's just cat puke, alright? I'll take care of it when I have a second.
What do you want, man?
- Uh, I'm bored.
- Just leave it.
Okay, stop.
- Is that a fresh one?
- That is...
- Oh, it's kind of crusty. It's a little bit crusty.
- ...pretty fresh. Can you taste it? I'm not sure if it's poo or puke.
- You want me to taste it?
- Yeah, just give it a little taste. Give it a little lick.
[imitates squish sound effect]
- Oh, my God.
[smacks lips]
- Why'd you actually do that? [laughs]
- Actually-- It actually tastes kind of good.
- Is it puke or poo?
- Dude, what the fuck? Dude, I can't see.
[ ♪ ]
[Chris narrating] This is my manager. Phil!
Well, I mean,
he's also my brother, but in terms of YouTube, he's basically my manager.
Let me explain.
He's the one who busts my balls when I'm procrastinating,
and... the one who screens most of what I edit,
and... basically, if I don't fall into irrelevancy on YouTube,
I'll definitely have him to thank.
[camera snaps]
However, his camerawork is still complete ass.
[ /♪ ]
[Phil] Yo, Chris...
Chris.
[ ♪ ]
[Chris narrating] Now you probably surmised a lot from the clip I just showed you.
Basically, my room is fucking disgusting-- [laughs]
[ /♪, giggling]
Oh, it's getting bad.
[ ♪ ]
And not just because of me, okay?
You got the cats puking on my floor,
you've got my brothers making holes in my wall,
and I got Mother Nature busting my balls, too.
Okay? If you were wondering what happened here...
[ /♪ ] Uh...
[IRL Chris] Dude.
Alright.
So we're officially underwater, Alex.
- Yo, it's leaking!
No!
Oh!
- Oh... oh! My dick, dude!
Oh, my--
[Alex] No!!!
[Chris] No!!
[Alex] This is it, dude!
- No!
- This is it, dude.
- We're going under, dude.
- Oh, shit.
- This room is fucking going right off.
Oh, my God.
- Yo, this is fucked.
- Dude-- [laughs]
[Chris narrating] Yeah, we'll save that for another day.
[IRL Chris] Okay, listen, I'm going to Walmart if you want to come with me.
[Phil] You're going to Walmart? Why Walmart?
- 'Cause I need to get some Nutter Butter.
So...
- Yeah, I'm down.
- You're down?
- Yeah, sure. Wait, what else-- what do we--
How about some cat food?
- Cat food?
- Yeah, 'cause they keep vomiting it up.
[ ♪ ]
[Chris narrating] You know what? That's a great idea, Phil!
[Chris groaning in pain]
Let's go see if any other brothers want to... go.
[door opens]
[Dennis] Oh!
[Chris] Dennis?
- Yeah?
- You want to go to Walmart?
- Sure!
[Chris laughs]
- Okay!
Bro, what are you even playing?
- Yo, I'm playing Smash.
- Smash?
- Bro, bro, bro, the can, the can.
Nope, nope...
Ooh! K--
- Heh heh, that's what I call a victory royale.
[Fortnite default dance music plays]
- He's gone.
[ /♪, door opens]
[Chris] Hey, brother.
Do you want anything from Walmart?
[Alex] Oh.
No.
- How's the crafting going?
[Dennis] Smells like spaghetti!
[Alex] Cancerous, my man.
[Chris laughs]
- [laughing] Why?
- Ugh...
It just is, man. Just-- Just mega...
mega-gay.
- I feel like a lot of the moments I come in here are very, uh...
very sad.
I don't come out of here a better person, I don't feel.
- [gasping laughs]
- Whatcha got here?
- This?
- Yeah.
- All of these...
...are different one of these,
and each of these...
is...
This is one, this is one...
We got, uh...
[paper rustling]
...a couple left,
only-- only a couple.
- Minecraft's-- looks like it's gotten a lot more complicated.
- This is, uh, a mod, idiot.
Literally, I've-- I've been doing nothing but this for the last fucking...
seven days,
fucking making seeds for every item in the game.
- Is that-- Is that fun for you?
- It's less about fun and more about, I-- if I do this, I beat the game.
- Really?
- No.
- [laughs]
[ ♪ ]
- There's no way to beat this game,
but I think having every single resource in the game available in your fingertips,
uh, without doing any work is... pretty close.
[ /♪ ]
Ree!!!
- Just got an aerial ree.
[Phil] Alex.
[Alex] I forget.
[Chris] Yeah.
[Phil] Blade and Sorcery is 1.1 gigabytes.
- Okay? Like, uh, do I care? No?
- How long do you think it'll take to download?
- Just-- Just give it a bit, I don't fucking know; what's the download speed?
- I don't know.
["Sweden" from 'Minecraft' plays]
[ /♪ ]
...and the download speed is not determined by the PC, more or less,
it's pretty much just the internet connection...
and... our internet connection, especially in the basement, is not very good.
[Phil] Yeah, it's on the main floor, though.
- Yeah, it's-- uh, it's on the main floor; Phil, just fucking start downloading the game and,
you know what, that'll take...
[inhales]
...as much time as it requires.
[inhales] and...
...when it is finished, you know what you can do?
You can play it. And, when you play it, you know what?
I hope you have fun.
Now get out of my goddamn motherfucking room, you stupid piece of shit,
I'm trying to craft!
Fuck!
[door opens]
[camera snaps]
[Chris] Woah.
- Dude, exposed.
- Jesus, what the hell was that?
[laughs]
You were just waiting here for me?
I-- Well, when I heard you coming up, you know?
Just prepared.
- So are you willing to come, uh...
uh, to Walmart with us?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- I'm down, yeah.
- Alright, let's go. Come on.
- Oh! Yeah, uh...
Just, you know, I-- I actually-- I got you a gift.
- Mm-hm?
- Yeah, you know, Christmas was recent and I-- I didn't really get you any presents...
and I know Mom and Dad don't really love you, so...
- Hm.
- just-- yeah, I got you...
- Wow, Nick.
- ...a nice framed picture.
- You really shouldn't have.
- It's no problem, man.
- Is that--
- It's all about the Christmas spirit.
- Where'd you get that? That's not even in a video.
- I, uh...
Yeah.
[rhythmic tongue clicks begin]
[other brothers join in]
[happy, upbeat music fades in]
[ ♪ ♪ ]
[ 🎶 ♪ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♪ 🎶 ]
[coughing and vomiting while music continues]
[ 🎶 ♪ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♪ 🎶 ]
[music fades out]
[Chris] Alright, bruh.
- What are we looking for here?
[Phil] Well, okay, so we're looking for some, uh, cat food.
This probably has cat food, in this aisle. Yeah, definitely.
[Chris narrating] Oh, this is the cat food section?
Oh, great! Let's get some cat foo--
- That one right there.
- Hey.
That's not cat foo--
[IRL Chris] Something tells me this isn't the cat food section, man.
[Phil] This is, bro!
[Nick] This is-- no, 'cause you use these to get cats as food.
[Phil] Exactly, exactly.
[Chris] Oh! You kill the...
[Phil] Yes!
[Chris] ...chipmunks and feed it to them.
[Phil] No, no, you kill the cat.
[Nick] No, you kill the cats. Yeah.
[Dennis] Cat food.
[Phil imitating the sounds of killing a cat]
- Simple.
[dark, ominous music]
[Chris narrating] Oh.
So the cat is the food.
[ /♪ ]
Meh, there's nothing wrong with that!
[IRL Chris] Do you think you could fit a grown adult body into this?
[Dennis] Probably a child body.
[Nick] Children. Children, definitely.
[Phil] No, if you just-- if you hack 'em up.
You hack 'em up.
[Nick] No, he's got a point.
[Phil] Yeah.
[Nick] If you hack 'em up...
[Phil] You can easily--
[Dennis] Limb by limb and then just slice 'em in half, then probably.
[Chris] Just-- Just like...
[Phil] Is he...
[Chris] Would it be a tight fit, you think? Or like,
[Phil] How much does he weigh?
How much does he weigh?
- About 165 kilograms.
[All the brothers laugh]
[Chris narrating] "Christopher...
how many times do I have to tell you that murder is not funny?"
[Dennis] It's good ****, man. Tastes good, actually.
[Phil] Yo, you want a Crite Spranberry?
[Chris] Oh, hell yeah, dude. Huhuh.
Glug, glug, glug.
[audio slowed down]
[Chris] Bruh...
[Phil] Bro, you want a fresh Crite?
- I can't see straight, bro. That shit was too intense, man.
- Yo. Bro.
- Bro.
- Bro.
- Bro, where am I, dude?
- Bro.
[Chris narrating] "Christopher,
substance abuse is not to be joked about."
[dark, ominous music]
[ /♪ ]
[IRL Chris] Look at this guy right here.
He's like, so low-key like, "Yo, I'm about to s--
[high-pitched] "I'm about to snipe yo ass."
Yo, this guy is even better, dude. This guy's like, ready to kill. You can see it in his eyes.
[Phil] Yeah, that guy's like, shooting up a bank.
- Oh, boy.
Yeah, you could just-- just hide this part, and he could have an AR in his hand.
[sound of door being kicked open]
[IRL Chris] "Hands up! This is a robbery! Nobody move!"
"- You heard the man! Nobody move!"
"Sir, I'm talking to you!"
"Yeah? What are you gonna do about it?"
[gunfire]
"Oh, I love me a gun fight."
"Hey! I love guns, too!"
"Tony! Let 'em have it!"
[gunfire]
"Bang! Bang, bang! Pew, pew!"
"Pew, pew, pew--"
[gets shot]
[gunfire]
[get shot]
[big gunfire]
"I'm about to snipe yo ass."
[gets shot and groans, gunfire stops]
"Ah! Oh, my God."
"Tony!"
"Ben!"
[gunfire]
[gets shot] "- Eugh!"
"Tony."
"Help... me."
"Ben, no, man, no! Come on, man,
"Y-y-you're gonna be okay, man!"
"Tony!"
"You're gonna be alright!"
[Ben gasps for air]
"We're gonna get you out of here, man."
"I-- I gotta-- I gotta come clean, man."
[grunts]
"I-- I slept with Rachel."
[whispers] "The fuck?"
"I-- I slept with her."
"You slept with my wife?"
"I'm so sorry, man. I..."
"Oh, my God!"
"- I'm-- I'm sorry, man."
"I can't believe it!"
"[groans] I'm sorry, man!"
"What the fuck!"
"I didn't-- I didn't want-- I'm sorry, alr-- I'm so sorry, man!"
[Tony starts crying]
"I didn't want it to end like this, man! I--"
"You were my brother!"
[cries] "We can still make it through, man! We can still do this."
[cocks gun while crying]
"Oh God, please help me!"
[Tony fires gun]
[continues crying]
[sneeze] Ugh! Oh.
Oh! Oh!
[Chris] Yeah, do you know where-- [laughs]
You know where the cat food is?
- No.
[Nick] Where is the cat food?
[Chris] What up, what up?
[Phil sneezes]
[Nick] Are we even getting cat food?
[Phil] Ugh! Jeannie sneeze for life.
[Nick] Is that our true mission here?
[Chris] Yes! Yes, let's go now. Let's go now.
Oh, shit.
Are they gonna blame this on us since we have a camera?
It kind of looks bad.
Dude, literally every single one exploded. What the f--
[Dennis] Who could be doing this? Like, come on, bro. What the hell?
[Chris laughs]
[Chris] Guys! Heh, we made it to the drink aisle! Huh huh!
[Phil] Oh, really?
- Yeah! Turn around! Huh ha!
- [laughs] Hell yeah!
Okay, that's actually--
- Just get me a couple of those! H'huh huh!
- Yo, ice cream, too, dude? They sell ice cream, too?
[all giggle]
[Chris] Yeah, let's get me-- let's get a tub.
- Hoo-whee.
Yo, mint chocolate chip? My favorite!
- Listen, I-- I don't want to get too--
[Dennis] Come on.
[Chris] Yeah, how much is the ice cream?
- I'm trying to put it in here.
[Nick] I know, it's garbage.
[loud beep]
[Dennis] Ow!
[Chris] Oof.
[Nick] That's actually really loud.
[Dennis] Yo, that's not bad for ice cream.
[Chris] 10.63? For a tub of ice cream? Put it back. Get out of here.
[Phil] Put that **** back.
What is that, caviar ice cream? Am I right?
[Chris] You know those videos where it's like, the dude goes in and he makes a pun out of everything,
and his girlfriend low-key wants to kill him...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...
- ...but she doesn't because he makes a lot of money off of it? Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, let's do that.
Ah, Phil! You're such a downy!
Huh huh!
Am I doing it right, dude?
- No, man.
Hopefully, with this video...
...you 'gain' a ton of subscribers.
- Ho ho!
[Phil begins humming a tune]
- Chris! Yo...
- Mm-hm.
- Hopefully, after this video,
all the people that watch it...
...'pledge' their allegiance to your channel.
[Phil starts humming the same tume]
- Hey, Phil!
- Yeah.
- Why, man?
Why?
- Look, man...
Just like, uh...
[Phil hums the same tune again, happy music from before begins playing]
- This is getting forced.
[ ♪ ♪ ]
[music fades out]
[Nick] Wait, did we get cat food?
[Phil] Cat food?
[car breaks suddenly]
Oh my.
[Chris narrating] No.
We did not.
[ ♪ ♪ ]
[ /♪ ]
[Nick] Uh, Chris?
- Hm?
- Um...
I just--
I just kicked one of your socks and...
...there's cat puke under it.
It's not a healthy way to live.
[Chris narrating] I know, Nick. I know.
And that's why...
[makes some kind of sound]
[ ♪ ]
...it's time to clean!
[chill vibes music]
If there's one thing I've fully acknowledged about myself, it's that I have a bad habit of falling into entropy, okay?
Which means, like,
I let things get chaotic, I let things devolve to the point where I have to take care of it, you know, I don't--
I don't, uh...
I don't act on it too quickly, I procrastinate, basically.
And I think that has to do with, uh, change,
I have a natural aversion to change or taking risks,
I'm really not that much of a risk-taker,
like, the biggest risks I've taken have probably occurred on this YouTube channel, honestly...
...and that's mainly because this is my little,
you know, playground, this is where I get to dick around; to experiment.
You know, as I watch this timelapse,
I realize that my room really hasn't changed over the last six or seven years.
It seems to have just decayed, actually.
And I've said before that this room is a representation of my head space, this is an extension of me.
I-- I spend a lot of my time in here.
And so I think it's good that I start forcing a couple changes.
Me and my brothers have actually started renovating our basement.
We, uh...
We got a ping-pong table, which is so dope, dude. Oh, man. [giggles]
I've been wanting a ping-pong table since like, grade seven, so that's-- that's-- ooh! I love it.
You know, I like playing ping-pong, I like playing chess, I like reading,
and these are all things that I often neglect.
You know, I don't do them for like, months on end.
I've been doing them less and less as time has gone on.
And that's fine, but you gotta try and stay healthy.
Uh, speaking of decay, this-- this tripod, too.
I'm holding it up with a frigging piece of tape 'cause one of the legs are broken.
This is definitely a scuffed environment.
But it's mine, and I like it.
So yeah. I mean, I kind of wear my bad habits on my sleeve on this channel.
Um...
Which isn't a good thing, it's not really something that should be shown off,
but, oh well, you know? Hopefully, uh...
[giggles]
Hopefully, I'm kind of relatable, I hope I'm not a complete fucking 𝕨𝕖𝕚𝕣𝕕𝕠.
[chill music fades out; ominous, wooshy air sounds fade in]
[air sounds get louder, more unsettling]
[inaudible, low-pitched backwards speaking plays]
[noises get a little quieter]
[low-pitched voice] (inaudible)
[noises slow down and get gradually louder]
[low-pitched voice] Chris.
[ /♪ ]
