- Hey guys, welcome
to another compilation.
- How are you guys doing?
This one is going to be all
about who's who,
what's what.
- Transformations.
- Total disguise.
- Sometimes
you can't even recognize
which cast member's
playing what.
- Like I'm actually Natalie.
- And I'm actually Stacey.
- So.
- So stick around, see if you
can figure out who's who.
- Hey Mal, are you in here?
 - Maybe.
- Do you know
where Uncle Pete is?
He has a guy outside waiting
for a job interview.
 - Uh, nope, don't know
 where he is.
Sorry.
- Come on, Mal.
You're his secretary.
And what are you doing
in the closet anyway?
 - Nothing.
 Just go away!
- What?
[gasps] Mal!
[shushes]
What did you do to Uncle Pete?
- Nothing, okay?
He just passed out after
his third bucket of chicken.
It happens all the time.
So I'm going to do
his interview for him.
- Why don't you just
reschedule the interview?
- Because the guy was
super cute,
and we really hit it off
in the lobby,
and I don't want him
to take another job.
Okay?
This is what
Uncle Pete would want.
- No, no, no, I am pretty sure
that uncle- okay.
Okay, Uncle Pete would not
want to be shoved
into a closet and then have
all his clothes stolen.
- There's chicken everywhere.
Okay, okay.
- Hi, Uncle Pete.
Are- are you ready to see me?
- Um, yes, it's a pleasure
to meet you, young man.
Leave.
[groans]
- Thank you so much
for this opportunity, sir.
It really means a lot.
- Uncle Pete don't shake hands.
Uncle Pete gives long,
lingering hugs.
[sighs contentedly]
- Do you mind if we get started
on the interview?
- Oh, yeah, sure.
Sure, yeah, mighty fine idea.
Oh, we're men!
Uh, did you bring
your resume?
- Uh, yes, sir,
it's right in here.
- Just hanging that on...
Oh yeah.
- Uh, here you go, sir.
- Thank you, sir.
Oh, this looks great.
Now how many years of work
experience do you-
Do you have?
- Uh, five.
- All right.
And your referrals?
- Yes, three.
- Past girlfriends?
- Seven.
Wait, what?
- That was not the response
we were looking for.
- I'm sorry, how does
that relate to the interview?
- Because I seen your type.
You'll leave as soon as a
hotter company comes along,
and this company ain't
getting any younger,
and it wants a baby company
before it's too late!
- No, no,
I'm completely committed.
- To me?
- Yeah...
I- I've been known
for my doglike loyalty.
Woof, woof.
[giggles]
- You're adorable.
You're ugly!
You get out!
Get- no!
Stay!
Stay forever!
Sit!
No- you know, let's talk
business.
- Okay.
- You distract me.
You fool.
Now- okay, let's talk some
business ethics.
Just going to...
I'm perching.
Nope.
All right, all right, now,
let's say-
Oh, the hat.
Got lost for a second
in there.
All right- all right.
Let's say that the only way
you can get this job is
if you dated my secretary,
Mallory.
Would you do it?
- No, that would be completely
unethical.
- Fail!
You think you're too good
for her?
She could look exactly
like me,
and she would still have it.
- S-sir, I think
I'm going to go.
- Oh no, okay?
This company is all
about comfort, all right?
So you're not uncomfortable.
We even have casual Fridays.
- Well, I guess
that's a nice perk, but...
- Yeah, you better believe it.
My only requirement is
that you let me choose the jeans
you wear for it.
- Yeah, I'm feeling
uncomfortable again.
- No, we'll go on down
to the mall,
and you do a little jean
fashion show.
I'm thinking Levis,
but you should pursue
all your options, you know.
- Uncle Pete, you want to wrap
this up?
- Woman, don't tell me
my business!
Now get!
Get!
[groans]
I just got- I got testosterone--
a lot of it
because I'm a man.
- Yup, okay.
All right,
I'm going to get going.
- Oh, you know,
the last part of the interview
is very important.
Can you listen close?
- All right.
- Okay.
You're going to do push ups,
and I'm going to watch
while I drink this smoothie.
- What?
- I've heard enough.
- Uncle Pete, I'm sorry.
- Mal, you've done wake me up
from my daily food coma
with your tomfoolery.
- I can explain.
- Nope, now get out of here
before I fire you.
- Bye.
- No, no.
- Thanks, Uncle Pete.
That was one of the most
awkward experiences
of my life.
[chuckles]
- Uncle Pete don't shake hands.
Come here, boy.
[applause]
- Wow, I'm quite nervous.
This is the most prestigious
group on campus.
- Yeah, whatever, bro.
- Hey Franklin!
- B-frank!
- What's up guys,
we got a new guy,
James Madison.
- Oh what's up, Tom Jefferson.
- Uh, hey man.
- Alex Hamilton.
- Oh hey ma- man?
- Man.
- Why does everyone ask that?
- So you want to join
the Founding Fathers, huh?
- Gee, would I!
- Well first, you've got
to impress Washington.
- Who?
- George Washington
led our troops
to a winning season this year.
- Right, yeah.
- Almost got suspended
for the rowboat prank.
Oh.
- What was that?
- He got some rowboats
and ruined Christmas
for some Hessian foreign
exchange kids.
Classic.
- Almost got away with it too,
but then he tagged himself
in some oil painting
on Faceledger.
- He sounds kinda cocky.
- Dude, not at all.
- Oh.
- Let's see, I got the quarter,
the dollar, the capital,
my own state,
my face carved
in the side of the mountain,
but I could use
a giant spike
with my name on it.
- That was a great battle, man.
You were tearing up
the field.
- Yeah, I was!
I cannot tell a lie!
- What?
- Who's the new guy?
- James Madison.
- He wants to join
the Founding Fathers.
- Oh does he now?
Well how about for initiation
he faces Jefferson
in a write off?
- Oh!
- Oh gee, fellas, my parents
tell me I'm too young to write.
- Plus, what if Benedict rats
on us again.
- No way, man.
Writing is part
of colonial life.
- Hey, one dollar says Madison
can't hold his prose.
- Make it two.
- Ten.
- Hundred!
- Well, okay.
- All right, so the first one
to lay down
a historically significant
document wins.
Quills up!
Write!
All chanting: Write!
Write!
Write!
Write!
Write!
Write!
Write!
Write!
Write!
Write!
Oh!
- Jefferson pulls a win!
- Got a declaration
for Britain, baby.
All men are equal.
- Oh, wait up?
Even if you're not
a male landowner?
- There's a footnote.
- Okay.
- All right, what you got,
Madison?
- I call it the Constitution.
- A bunch of rules?
- I thought we could make
a government.
- Okay, government's good, but
we need some pranks in here.
- Yes, yes!
- We're pranking
the future Americans?
- Wait, wait, wait,
I got it, I got it,
We'll pretend it's a
democracy,
but then we'll give
little states
as many senators as big ones.
[yelling]
- Okay, but everyone gets
to choose the president, right?
- Right, right, right.
As long as you're
from Ohio or Florida!
- I don't know, it still makes
too much sense to me.
- Then let's add
an electoral college.
All: Yes, yes.
- No!
You're ruining politics,
you're making a system where
everyone's mad at each other
and no one knows
what they're talking about.
- Guys, we need some hazing!
- Yes!
- How about this,
if you want to join politics,
you either got to be on Team
Elephant or Team Donkey.
Or better yet, better yet,
Team Tea Party.
- Oh man, that sounds girly.
- Hamilton could join.
[whoops]
- Okay that is it!
That is it!
Fifth amendment,
you can remain silent.
- First amendment,
I can say what I want.
- Go in order!
- Second amendment,
tell that to the heater package.
- Whoa!
- Look, I may be
a little androgynous--
- That's giving you a lot
of credit.
- But the only girl
that I see in here
is that sissy, Aaron Burr.
- You want to dance, tough guy?
- Let's go!
- Come on!
What?
- Come on!
[whoops]
- Okay, come on,
take it outside.
- They're just letting off
a little steam.
Nothing will happen,
I'm sure.
- Yeah, no, it's fine.
- All right, where were we?
- That's it, you're all acting
immature and irresponsible.
I don't know if I want to be
a Founding Father.
- What is this?
- I don't know.
Sam Adams made it.
- No one should
ever drink this.
- I don't want to stand around
and have you take my ideas
and take all the glory
and leave me
historically underrated.
- Listen Magelby,
- Madison!
- Look, if it means
that much to you,
we'll put you on
the five-dollar bill
and the penny.
- You really mean it?
- Yeah, unless someone cooler
comes along.
[applause]
[bell ringing]
- Okay everybody, take a seat.
All right, this is the test
you've been preparing
for all year.
No pressure, but if you fail,
you will not graduate.
- Oh no.
- Oh no.
- Matt did you know
we had a test?
- Uh yeah, who didn't?
- We didn't.
- We didn't study
for this at all.
- Guys, this is
a really important test.
- Is it, Matt?
Is it?
- Are you actually asking?
Because the answer is yes.
- Matt, we need Grandma Tildy.
- Yeah!
- No!
Besides, it's Stacey's turn
to be Tildy.
- Dude, our future is riding
on this test.
Come on, please, man,
come on.
- I can't believe
I'm doing this.
- Yes.
- Mrs. Madsen?
- Yeah?
- May I go to the bathroom?
- I don't know, may you?
Oh, actually
that was the right one.
Uh, yes you may,
but hurry back,
this is a timed test.
- You guys owe me.
- Dude anything,
except for expensive things.
- Or just money in general.
- Okay everyone, I want nothing
but your best work today.
This is the test we've been
preparing for all year.
And once you have your test,
there is no talking and
absolutely no cell phone use.
- Dude, where is he?
- Ah, he's betrayed us.
Quick, kill me so
I don't have to take the test.
-No.
-Jab it in the neck.
- Excuse me.
- Oh, yes, can I help you?
- Yes, I'm here to collect my
grandsons, Adam and Stacey.
- You two are related?
- Yeah, we're going to commit
to that.
- They're cousins.
- Really?
- Well they're not
identical cousins.
- Well I'm sorry,
your grandsons have to take
a very important test.
Can this possibly wait, miss?
- Uh, Tildy is the name.
Grandma Tildy from Tennessee.
- I grew up in Tennessee!
- Oh, good.
Uh, lovely place, isn't it?
Or is it?
- What part are you from?
- Oh...
Small town.
I'm sure you've never heard
of it.
- No, really, try me?
- All right, it's called...
Nashville.
- Nashville.
- Have you heard of it?
- Of course, Nashville's huge.
- Oh, well cities grow up
so fast.
It was smaller in my time.
- I guess that's true.
- Of course,
so was my waistline,
am I right?
I'm sure you know
what I'm talking a,
you look lovely.
What do you do?
Hot yoga?
What are the kids up to
these days,
Zumba?
- Listen, your grandsons need
to take this test
in order to graduate.
- Is that so?
Well sounds like
an important test,
one that you would have to be
a fool to forget.
- I really must insist
that they stay.
- Well, you heard her boys,
I'll just go wait for you
in the shade of an apple tree.
Well nice to meet you.
- Yeah like--
Oh, ha-ha, whoopsie doodles, oh.
- It's fine.
- What are you doing?
- What?
I'm not setting fire
to your tests,
I'll tell you that.
- So what are you doing?
- Is this not a candle?
I thought it was a Yankee.
It's paper.
It's paper.
My mistake.
- You know, for an older woman,
you have suspiciously
youthful skin.
- Oh, sweet of you to say.
You know, lots of moisturizer
and prayer.
- What year were you born?
- 1927.
- So that would make you
how old?
- Oh!
- Oh grandma!
- Oh, cardiac arrest and such.
- Oh, let me call you
an ambulance.
All three: No!
- I can't ride in ambulances,
it's against my religion.
- Really?
- Oh yes, we can't ride in loud
vehicles after 1:00 o'clock.
- It's 12:30.
- We shouldn't risk it.
Off we go.
 Careful boys
 I have osteo ponorisis.
- I hope they're okay.
- Yeah, good luck.
- I hope that old lady's
going to be okay.
- I know, I hope so too.
- Isn't it Stacey's turn
to be Tildy?
[applause]
[crickets chirping]
[creaking]
- Mom?
- What?
What is it?
- There's something
under my bed.
- Sweetheart, how many times
do I have to tell you
that there is no monster
under your bed?
- It's not a monster.
It's Grammy award-winning
artist Pitbull.
- Oh, listen.
Pitbull isn't real, okay?
You need to go back to sleep.
I love you.
- You too.
[door closes]
[pop music begins]
[laughs]
[whimpers]
Pitbull: ♪ I know
you haunt me. ♪
♪ You know I haunt ya. ♪
♪ I know you haunt me. ♪
♪ You know I haunt ya. ♪♪
- Mom!
[music stops]
Pitbull: Dale.
Aaron: It was him again.
You gotta believe me.
- Come here, baby.
I understand.
I used to have
Pitbull nightmares too.
- But this was real.
He just kept saying the same
words at the end of each line
as though it was an actual
substitute for a proper rhyme.
It was terrible.
- Listen to me closely, okay?
There is no one living
under your bed.
Okay, look.
Pitbull: Dale!
- What was that?
- It was just a creak
from the bed.
I have to go back to sleep,
okay?
- Okay.
[door closes]
♪♪
[laughs]
♪ Me gustan chicalines,
las que saben cocinar. ♪
- Mom!
- What was it?
- I don't know,
but it sounded degrading!
♪ One, two, three, four. ♪
♪ Uno, dos, tres, cuatro. ♪♪
Aaron: Mom!
[music ends]
- What?
What happened?
- He thinks I don't know how to
count to four in Spanish.
[groans]
- I don't know how else to say
this to convince you.
I mean, if Pitbull were
really here,
I'm sure I could just say
something shallow and creepy
like "girls on the beach"
and he'd pop right up.
[laughs]
- Ah!
Oh no!
Your room really is
featuring Pitbull.
Aaron: What do I do?
- Don't worry, baby.
According to legend,
we can banish him
if we just close our eyes and
 say "Miami" three times.
Both: Miami, Miami, Miami.
- Mr. 305!
[Pitbull screams]
- [whispers] Calle ocho!
- I'm so sorry
I didn't believe you.
But you don't have to worry
anymore, okay?
The bad man is gone.
- Okay.
- Okay?
[sighs]
I love you.
- I love you too.
[door shuts]
- Oppa Gangham style.
♪♪
- Mom!
[sinister laugh]
♪♪
[beads clinking]
- Hello.
- Oh, hello.
Welcome to Marwan the
Mystic's...uh, place.
How may I provide the help
to you?
- I was wondering
if you could tell me-
- Your fortune?
- Yes.
- Oh, really?
Usually people just ask
for directions to bathroom.
But I always say 'your
fortune?'
and I'm right, like two
percent of time.
Sit.
Sit.
-Thank you.
Um, I'm just looking
for any insights you might have.
I'm thinking
about switching careers.
- Hm.
Well the crystal ball says
that would be very boring.
But it could be fun though.
- Oh, okay.
Um.
Any idea which one it is?
- Well, the ball for sure says
it will be boring.
- I see.
- But it could be fun though.
It could be.
- Sorry, I'm confused.
Do I listen to the ball
or to you?
- Probably the ball
to be honest,
it's pretty accurate but it
could be wrong though.
It could be.
- How often is it wrong?
- Oh, like never.
But it could be.
You know, anything could
happen when you have
a dream in your heart
and a twinkle in the face.
- Okay.
Maybe I'll just go
with the ball.
Yeah.
- Does it say anything
about my vacation next week?
Will I, you know, meet
someone special or something?
- Oh no, it says
there is trouble ahead.
- Does it?
- Yes, terrible calamity
that is not good.
But it could be fun though.
It could be.
It could be very fun.
It could be the worst thing
you have ever experienced
like you want to gouge eye
out with spoon or something.
But it could be fun though.
It could be.
- Do you know which one it is?
What does...
what does the ball say?
- Well, the ball thinks
it knows everything
and it's like this is
for sure going to be bad,
but I think it could be
fun though, you know.
It's hard to say, it's 50/50.
It's definitely not
the middle.
It will either be super fun
or the worst thing ever,
just a hands down disaster.
You will be crying
and the loneliness,
you'll call your mother, but
it could be fun though.
It could be.
- Okay, what would make it fun?
- Oh, you know,
anything could be fun,
it's all perspective really.
- Anything could be bad too.
- It could be, it could be.
It could be very bad,
but it could be fun though.
It could be.
- I'm just going to cancel
my trip.
It's not worth the risk.
- But why?
- It's fine,
it's just a cruise.
It's not like a wedding
or a Beyoncé concert.
- But what if it's fun though?
- What if it's terrible?
- It could always be terrible.
- It could always be fun.
- Ah-ha!
- Dang it.
- Look, don't let the ball
scare you
even though it's super accurate,
especially
when it comes to bad things.
It is like a prescient little
glass doomsayer.
[tinkling and wind]
The end of the world approaches.
Armageddon is nigh!
All will be darkness
and screaming.
No one will escape
the suffering.
But it could be fun though.
[exhales]
- Okay, how about this.
Crystal ball, should I listen
to you or to Marwan?
- It says listen to spleen?
No, heart.
That's a heart.
I don't know
what organs look like.
[sighs]
- Okay, thank you ball.
Thank you Marwan.
- Wait, what did you decide?
- I don't know
but I know I am going to be
the one who decides it.
- Oh, that's deep.
And ultimately very bad
for my business.
- Yes.
But it could be fun though!
- Aaah.
Actually that's trademarked,
please don't use it.
- Sorry.
- It's fine.
[beads clicking]
- Excuse me.
I was just wondering-
- Your fortune?
- Bathroom.
- Down hall, second door.
♪♪
[audience cheering]
- Matt?
Matt, are you home?
- I'm so worried about him.
He hasn't answered his phone
in a week.
- Matt?
[surprised yells]
[groans]
[gasp]
- Oh!
Hi, guys!
- Matt!
What happened?
- You look--
- Different?
- Largely different.
- I've filled in a little,
but I've never felt better.
[screams]
How are you guys?
- We've been worried about you.
But now, I feel like maybe
we weren't worried enough.
- Oh, sorry I haven't been
answering your calls.
My phone is
in my back pocket,
and I can no longer reach
that area.
- What has happened to you?
- I have been on a cleanse
for the last month.
- You gained all that weight
on a juice cleanse?
- Not a juice cleanse,
a bacon cleanse.
- You've been eating nothing
but bacon for a month?
- Never felt better.
Oh!
That was my last chair.
- Matt, you can't just eat
bacon for every meal.
That's not how cleanses work.
- Of course
that's how cleanses work.
You pick one thing
and eat only that thing.
Juice, bacon, bacon juice.
- That's grease.
- I've heard it both ways.
- Matt, this isn't healthy.
Just look how much weight
you've put on.
- I'm fine!
[screams]
See?
- Are we going to talk
about that?
- It's just something
the body does.
- No, Matt, you need to see
a doctor.
- Ha!
I am as healthy as an ox.
And weigh as much as an ox.
- Matt, you need
a more balanced diet.
- Bacon has everything you need
to survive, Mal.
Meat.
- You can't live on just meat!
- Explain that to a lion!
You know, sometimes--
I stood up too fast.
Oh!
- Ah!
- That was unfortunate.
- When was the last time
you exercised?
- When did Shrek come out?
- 2001.
- I've never exercised.
[grunts]
- Well, at least he has to get
up to cook the bacon.
- Actually, it's precooked,
and I have it delivered
by Amazon drone.
Sometimes it just hovers
above my head and feeds me.
Like an angel dropping bacon
manna from heaven.
- So, you get
no physical activity?
- I chew.
Usually.
- Ugh, Matt.
You can't live like this.
- And yet here I am,
living, breathing, sweating
in strange places.
But if you go on like this,
you're going to die.
- Everyone dies, Mallory.
Not everyone truly lives.
[screams]
[screams]
Okay, maybe I'm not well.
But I can't stop now.
My cuddling opportunities
have increased ten-fold.
- Matt, your everything
has increased ten-fold.
- You're right.
I do admit,
it'd be nice if I could fit
in my bathtub again.
- You haven't been bathing?
- No, I have.
There's a fountain
at the mall...
And now that I've said
that out loud,
I'm ready to make
some life changes.
- Yeah.
- Would you help me go buy
some fruits and vegetables?
- Yes.
Of course.
- Thank you.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Oh.
Goodbye old friend.
I've enjoyed our time--
[screams]
Let's go before I die.
- Come on.
Come on.
♪♪
- Miss Rosewater,
on the night of the robbery,
the defendant claims
to have been at your house
helping you fix your car.
Is that true?
- Well, not exactly.
- Can you tell us
what happened, then?
- Yes.
My car had been making
some weird noises,
so Josh agreed to come over
and check it out.
He got to my house
around 6:30,
but he forgot his tools.
[strange noise]
- You know, she got that look
in her eye, baby.
My fourth husband had
that same look
and he killed lots of people.
Yeah he did.
- Ma'am?
Please, keep to yourself.
- Yeah, I am Mr. Judge, I am.
- Thank you.
- Go on.
-So, he said he'd come back
the next day,
and then we just went inside
and talked.
- Cahoots!
Oh, I can feel it
in my bones!
Baby sweet Georgia Brown,
they're in cahoots.
- Ma'am!
I need you to just listen.
- I'm listening,
I'm listening real good
because I'm going to solve
this crime, all right.
Mama-J is on the case.
Don't y'all worry.
- Just listen.
- Oh my ears are open,
Mr. Judge,
just like my home.
I'll make you some cookies.
You like snickerdoodles,
Mr. Judge?
When I looked at your face,
I thought, snickerdoodle.
I thought, know what?
That's my gift.
I'll be as silent
as my dead third husband.
He was a smoker, you know,
died in a plane crash,
it was nasty.
- Okay.
Let's keep going.
- So, Josh left my house
at about eight.
- Guilty!
She's guilty!
I know she did it.
- She is not a suspect.
- Join me brothers,
♪ Have mercy, hallelujah, ♪
♪ Have mercy, hallelujah! ♪
♪ Hallelujah! ♪
- Stop singing.
- My mind's eye, my mind's eye
is saying that she is, guilty!
Guilty!
♪ Guilty. ♪
Woo!
- Ma'am!
- I'll be silent.
- Thank you.
- And that's all that happened.
- Hearts, stars,
horseshoes, clovers,
and blue moon, she innocent!
I knew she was innocent.
Y'all need to change.
Y'all need to change.
She good.
- And what did you
and Mr. Gotliev talk about?
- I don't know, work.
- Blood!
Blood on her hands!
- Ma'am!
I need you to settle down
or I am going
to have you removed.
- I am so sorry Mr. Judge, sir,
but there's so many
twists and turns to the case,
it's like watching
a game of chutes and ladders!
[gavel pounding]
- Sit down.
- Fair enough, Mr. Judge,
fair enough.
As for you, Miss Lawyer,
keep doing what you're doing.
- Thank you.
- Miss Testifier,
you keep lying.
Mama-J going to be right here
if y'all need
a hug or something.
[sighs]
- Did you talk about anything
other than work?
- I think he mentioned visiting
his sick brother.
- I need to say something.
- No!
- I got to get this off
my chest.
- Ma'am!
This is inappropriate.
- I robbed the store!
And I rode away
on the police horse.
- What?
- It was me.
I did it!
I've been thinking about it,
Mr. Judge,
and it all makes sense.
- We have video surveillance,
it was not you!
- It was, Mr. Judge.
I am guilty.
Last year I didn't give a
homeless fellow my change,
and these things, Mr. Judge,
sir, have a ripple effect.
It is my fault the universe
is collecting against me.
Take me to jail, baby!
Come on.
♪ Amazing grace. ♪
♪ How sweet the-- ♪♪
DECEPTION!
It's a jailbreak, y'all!
Everyone grab the
snickerdoodles and run!
 ♪ Hallelujah! ♪
 ♪ Hallelujah! ♪
♪♪
[crunch]
♪♪
- Guess who?
- Could it be my girlfriend
that I haven't seen for a month?
- Oh, I missed you!
- I missed you too.
- Oh.
[audience cheers]
[clears throat]
[coughs more forcefully]
Yeah.
[clears throat]
Did you not see the sign?
- You mean that poorly
hand-drawn note, officer?
- Uh, Full Lieutenant of the
Volunteer Precinct Williams
to you,
and look here, ma'am,
if that is your name, in fact,
in this park,
that I voluntarily patrol
on my lunch breaks,
there will be order.
And that begins with--
come here real quick--
no P. D. A.!
Is that clear?
- Yes sir.
- Okay, do me a favor.
Get on out of here.
Go on, get!
[indistinct conversation]
[squeals]
[clears throat]
- What?
- Mhm.
- Sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- Can you just-
- Oh, watch out.
- Oh, just...
- Can we just go?
- What are you doing?
- All right, let's just go
around the back.
- Come on, now, watch out.
- Oh!
- Is there a problem?
- Did you not see the sign,
boy?
Oh, hold on now,
doggone wind just picks up,
and here we go right here.
There we go.
- You just posted that there.
- I just posted that here!
- Ah!
- Uh-huh.
Yeah.
And I learned this one
from Kung Fu Panda 2
special features.
So why don't you keep your
hands to yourselves so mine-
Watch out!
Yeah, so that mine don't have
to get involved, all right?
- Come on, officer.
You were young once.
- Uh, Full Lieutenant of the
Volunteer Precinct to you,
and no,
I was never young once.
I was born with the brain and
body of a portly 55-year old.
It's a rare genetic disorder.
- That's not a real thing.
- Bam!
That's me right there.
Yeah.
While those kids were sucking
their thumbs and eating glue,
I was filing my taxes
and watching reruns
of Gilligan's Island.
Mhm.
You can hold on to that one
for later.
- I don't want it.
- So why don't you and you
get on out of here
with that hanky- tootle
-went-to-town mess
before I have
to break something?
All right?
Go on, get.
Get!
Go on, get, folks!
I'm going to get you.
- Elizabeth Jane...
[gasps]
I love you so much,
and I promise I will never give
you any reason to doubt it.
[screams]
[plopping sound]
[ducks quack]
- Crisis averted.
- What is it?
What happened?
- Girl, did you not see
the sign right there?
- But today is special.
I was going to propose
to my girl-
- Oh, oh!
Back it up.
One more salacious
or tantalizing move,
and I will pepper spray the
hormones out of both of y'all.
When I was 5-years old,
I witnessed my granddaddy
hug my grandmammy,
and she died
ten years later.
Now I know 1.3 different
languages
and I will pepper spray
on all of them.
So get out of my park!
- You can't be-
[screams]
I said go on, now, get!
Too much indecency
in the world today.
Oh, what have
we got here?
You know what?
They going to learn today.
- Mister President, he wants
to speak with you directly.
- Or what?
- He'll blow up the earth.
- Fair enough,
put him through.
- Mr. President,
are you sure?
This is unprecedented.
We have never dealt with
extraterrestrial life before.
- We don't have
any other options.
Do it!
[intermittent signal]
- Greetings earthlings.
My name is General Zordex,
leader of the planet Switerra.
And I am here to destroy you.
- Why?
- Because two weeks ago,
a member of your
staff purchased a star
which happened to be
my planet's sun.
- I beg your pardon?
- Do not deny it Mr. President.
I have the official document
right here from Starnamer.com.
- Listen General,
I can assure you no
one on my staff--
-[coughing] Mr. President,
I may have unknowingly
purchased his planet's sun
as a 25th wedding
anniversary gift.
- Commander, how could you?
- I'm sorry sir,
I had no idea.
- No, I mean how could
you purchase
such a lame wedding
anniversary gift?
- His wife was so upset, she
made him sleep on the couch.
- That's too much information
General.
- Tell them what
you named the star.
- Never.
- Do it Commander,
that's an order.
- [mumbles]
- What was that?
- Wounded Lover.
[laughing]
- Silence!
You think that's funny?
Do you know how annoying
that has been for our planet?
Now whenever
it's hot outside,
we have to say, "The Wounded
Lover sure is strong today.
"Better put on some Wounded
Lover screen
or we'll get
a Wounded Lover burn."
- He's right,
that's super-annoying.
- Okay people,
no one is making him call it
Wounded Lover.
- Actually we are.
Don't worry, sir.
Starnamer.com's legal team is
the best in the galaxy.
- How?
Regardless, are you really
going to blow up our planet
because of an annoyance?
- Annoyance?
Our world religion is based
off of sun worship,
and now we pray
to the Wounded Lover.
Our youth have started
to worship the moon,
and not even
our good moon.
- Well, does that really
justify destroying planet Earth?
- We have become the pansies
of the galaxy.
Thanks to our name change,
we've been attacked 15 times
in the last 14 days.
One of the invading armies
gave our planet
a giant wedgie.
Look at it!
Both: Oh!
- Okay, all right.
Why would anyone attack you
over a name?
- A name is everything.
For example, our neighboring
solar system star was renamed
Chuck Norris-saurus Rex.
Do you think anyone messes
with them?
No.
And it's a planet made
of gold, diamonds
and populated
by fluffy bunnies.
- Let's talk negotiation.
You want money?
- There is no amount of money
which can heal my planet's
self-esteem.
But if you give us half of
your--
What?
Oh, well, that's just dandy.
Apparently our planet has
been completely destroyed
by the bunnies!
I don't even know how
that works.
I hope you're happy.
- Um, well done Mr. President.
Crisis technically averted.
- Well done everyone.
[intermittent signal]
Who's the fool
who dare named our planet's
sun Lonelyboy4eva?
- Two for one special.
- Unbelievable.
- Thank you so much
for allowing us
to pitch our idea to you sir.
- Just keep going,
keep going.
- As you know,
there have been a host
of popular diet trends
over the years, Atkins, Paleo,
Whole 30 to name a few.
- But for the majority
of Americans,
these diet trends are
unrealistic and unsustainable,
until now.
- That's right.
We have developed a new diet
that will attract
and retain everyone.
Because it's exactly what
they've always wanted.
- And we want you to be the
official spokesman for it.
Can you guess what it is?
[audience cheering]
- Cookie?
- That's right, Mr. Monster.
Introducing
the new diet trend,
nay diet standard,
The Cookie Diet.
- Uh, look, you all know how
me feel about cookie, big fan.
Big fan.
- Yes.
- But me cannot deny health
consequences of cookie.
- Consequences?
But Mr. Monster, here is a
picture of you taken in 1976,
and this is a picture
of you taken last week.
- You've literally eaten
nothing but cookies
for 40 years
and you haven't aged a day.
- Me think me body
handle cookie different
than most people.
On outside, me look great.
But on inside, oh..OH!
- Okay, okay.
- You get idea.
- Yes, we get it.
- Me say to kids,
cookie, cookie,
but cookie is a sometime food,
me also eat eggplant,
and artichoke.
- Now, we all know
that's a lie.
- Yeah, don't.
- Plus, we agreed,
we'll offer you millions
to endorse this diet.
- No!
Me tired of contributing
to obesity epidemic.
Me no accept
dirty cookie money.
- Gee that's too bad.
- Oh.
What you doing?
- Oh, nothing.
I'm just a little hungry.
- Me, cookie monster,
you real monster.
- Oh, this one is
just so gooey.
It has too many
chocolate chips.
I think I might just
throw it out.
- Ah!
yum, yum, ah yum, yum.
Ah, cookie!
Yum, yum.
- If we could just have you
sign here and here, Mr. Monster.
- Oh, C is for corruption.
- Have some cookies.
[audience cheers and applause]
- [in deep voice]
Hey, I'm Stephen.
- [in deep voice]
Hey, I'm Natalie.
I'm, [in high voice]
Hey, I'm Natalie.
- Also hurtful.
Okay, hope you're liking
this compilation,
stick around,
there's lot's more to come.
- We'll try to find
better disguises
by the time you get back.
- I don't know
what you're talking about,
I look great.
- Do I look good?
- No.
♪♪
Oh Mercedes, what a joyous day.
First my promotion to captain
and now our engagement.
- I know.
I am so happy.
[sigh]
- Oh Fernand.
I must tell him
of our engagement.
- Edmond, I know he is
your best friend,
but I get the sense
that he wishes you ill.
- Oh Mercedes,
I know he's a little stiff
but I'm sure he'll be delighted
at my good fortune.
Fernand!
- Edmond, I came as soon
as I heard of your promotion.
I wish you all the happiness.
- But there's more Fernand.
- More?
Oh to have more happiness added
upon this already
auspicious day.
Say it at once, for I cannot
wait another second,
nay, another millisecond
for this sweet news
to reach my ears.
- Mercedes and I are engaged.
- Edmond, I'm sure
you can see by my demeanor
I am filled with celestial joy.
- Ah, I'm not seeing it
actually.
- Yours is a life
truly blessed, Edmond.
- Why are your fists
clenched so tightly.
- I do not believe they are
clenched that tightly.
- Your knuckles are white.
- With rapture.
I am in the thralls of
ecstasy for your prosperity.
- I'm sorry, I'm very
confused right now.
- Edmond Nantes?
- Yes?
- I have a message
from your employer,
Monsieur Morrell,
he is retiring
and wishes to give you the
shipping business.
- What?!
- Edmond, only the angels
above could know
how truly happy
I am at this moment.
- Really?
You do realize this means
I'm being promoted over you.
- A fact I wish to celebrate,
for it is a most
exhilarating day
when one's friend is so
immeasurably fortunate.
[crash]
[gasp]
Mazel tov.
- Cousin Edmond,
did you hear?
Our late uncle Clarion left
you his entire inheritance.
[banging in background]
- Perhaps would now is not
the time to talk about it.
- Nonsense.
Do go on
with this happy news.
- It includes
his luxurious estate.
- Thank you cousin.
- And his basement full
of ancient treasure.
- I would be remiss
if I could not congratulate
my comrade
on such a serendipitous report.
- Fernand, that waiter,
you're hurting him.
- I don't think so.
- No, you are.
His face is blue.
- If I am, it is because
I am in the throes of euphoria
and cannot contain
my feverish elation.
- Fernand,
you really should let go.
- You cannot censure me
for my joy, Edmond.
- You are not joyful Fernand.
Everything but your words
indicates raging hatred for me.
- My dear Edmond.
I apologize from the bottom
of my adoring heart
that I conveyed that sentiment.
You mean the world to me.
And I want you to be happy.
- Really?
- Truly.
- Gentlemen, King Louis is
on his deathbed
and wishes to name the heir
to his throne.
It's Fernand.
- Yes!
Yes!
Oh happy day!
This is me being happy,
Edmond.
I was faking it.
Hah.
Yeah!
- Wait, I meant Edmond.
Edmond is king.
- A simple mistake.
- Well Edmond, I am filled
to the brim with jubilation.
- Well Edmond, I am filled
to the brim with jubilation.
- Fernand.
- Oh, it was Fernand.
The E's and the F's in
calligraphy are kind of...
they're similar.
- Welcome back to the tent.
It's week seven, and there's
six contestants left.
- Our bakers have been tasked
with making
a pristine custard tart,
but which confections
will be perfection?
This is...
Both: The Great
British Bake- off.
- I won.
- No, no, no.
- One, two, three...
Both: The Great British
Bake-off.
- Oh.
♪♪
Our bakers won't know
if they've succeeded
until Paul and Mary
try their tarts.
- Hello John.
- Hello.
- If I'm going to be honest,
John.
It looks a bit of a mess.
- It's probably about six
minutes from perfection.
- Okay.
- Cuts well.
Very well.
- Flavors are good.
- Shame about
the display though.
- Thank you.
Sorry about that.
- Eric.
- I'm so embarrassed.
- Mm, lovely color.
- Are you serious?
- Okay, I actually have
one more,
but it's just a part of it
and I was going
to save it for later,
but it's yours
if you want.
- Why is this so flat?
You sat on this, didn't you?
- No, I quite like--
I like the flatness.
- Mary.
Mary.
- No, it shows
that he knows how to bake
with more than just his hands.
- So, did you bake anything?
- Yes, this is
my ingredients tart.
- This is nothing
but ingredients.
- Thank you.
- It wasn't a complement.
- I really like this.
The egg, has a nice crunch.
Can we get more of these?
Mm.
- This is my bribery tart.
- This is a disgrace.
- Mm.
Tastes more like money
than a tart.
- Yes.
That's because it's money,
just for you two.
- I quite like it.
- You know how many hands
have touched this?
- No, I think
it gives it flavor.
Someone didn't wash
their hand.
I can tell.
- All right Michael,
so what we have here
is a sirloin steak.
- Oh, no sir.
This is a tart in the shape
of a sirloin.
- That is not a tart.
- It may not look it
but that is a favorite
family recipe.
- I think it looks rather fun.
- Mary, just--
Michael, I've got real
problems with this.
- Underproved, is it?
- Underproved
doesn't enter it.
This is a piece of steak.
- Paul, if you'll just take
a bite,
it's a fantastic tart.
- Come on Paul.
- Definitely cuts
like a steak.
[sniffs]
Smells like a steak.
- It's a tart.
- Sure enough,
that's a steak.
- Yeah, I can see
where I went wrong.
Sorry about that.
- I've always said we needed
more protein in our bakes.
- An invisible tart?
- Yes, it's filled
with raspberry.
- Well done Richard.
Well done.
- Thank you.
- Good job.
- Whoo.
Can't believe I've lived here
for a whole year
and I've never been up here.
Look at all this stuff.
Oh, whoops.
All right.
Oh no.
Oh, come on.
- Trust me, it's no use.
- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Are you an attic hobo?
- Oh, I'm no attic hobo.
I'm the previous home owner.
- Um, that--
no that's impossible.
Hey, hey, hey!
Back off.
I bought this house
from a widow.
Okay, her name was...
- Cynthia?
- Yes, how did you know that?
- 'Cause that widow was
my wife.
You see, you see
I came up here,
just like you, but then
I never came down.
- Wait, how long
have you been up here?
- How long does it look like
I've been up here?
[coughing]
The only thing
that has kept me alive is
this Tamagotchi pet.
I have walked him,
fed him, loved him,
like he was
my own Tamagotchi son.
[electronic noise fading]
- What was that?
- Uh, sounds like
the batteries died.
- No!!!!
Why!!!!
He had so much more to give!
Take me instead.
- Okay, you've obviously
been up here way too long.
I'm gonna yell down
to my family.
- Don't be a fool.
- What?
- We're on our own now.
We're on our own.
- That's-- I'm gonna call
down to my family, okay.
[knocking]
Hey! Hey!
Someone let me out.
There's a crazy guy up here.
- Dad, is that really you?
- Yes!
Yes, Jimmy, I need you
to pull on the cord
to unlock the door, okay?
- Don't do it Jimmy.
- Why not mom?
- That's just
your father's ghost.
- What?
What?
- People who hear voices
from the attic,
automatically assume
it's a ghost.
- We miss you honey,
but you need to let us go.
- Wait, no.
I'm not dead, I've been up
here for what, two minutes.
- That's it.
We're moving, kids.
I can't live
in this house haunted
by your father's memory.
- Bye ghost dad!
- Wait.
[car screeching away]
-They left really fast.
Wha- What am I gonna do?
- Survive!
With the two of us,
we'll be able to hunt twice
as effectively.
- There's nothing to hunt.
It's an attic.
- Sh!
Ha!
I got him.
Woo!
Woo!
He's a fighter too.
- Ah, is that a moth?
- Oh, the attic gods
have smiled upon us.
We shall feast
as kings tonight.
- Feast?
That thing's
like negative three ounces.
- Here, try a leg.
- No.
What?
There's nothing on it.
- Are you kidding me?
Look at all the meat
on that thigh.
- That's not food.
Oh don't, Oh...
- Mm.
[gagging]
- Mm, hm, hm.
Wow, I am full.
[chuckles]
So, what do you want to do now?
Usually by this time of day,
I start to dance with sewing
mannequin over there.
She's playing coy.
- I'm, I'm good.
You go ahead.
- Oh, I'm sorry,
you got something better
to do with your time?
Here why don't
we watch Waterworld,
because it's the only movie
we have.
- How many times
have you watched that?
- Once!
It's that bad.
- All right, listen.
There's something
called Netflix,
it's on my phone.
I'll let you borrow, wait,
I have my phone.
I'm such an idiot.
I can just call someone
to get us out of here.
Good thing I remembered
before my batteries went out.
Hey.
What?
What did you do to my phone?
- I needed the batteries
for my Tomagotchi.
[bright electronic noise]
- He's alive!
[audience applause]
[crickets chirping]
- Well, well, well.
Didn't think you'd show up
Captain Blackbeard.
- Well, you should know
that I'm a man of me word,
Captain Whitebeard.
[audience laughing]
- Well, it looks like
all we a -waitin' fer now is--
- Captain Redbeard.
- Yo ho.
- Well, now that we're all
here--
- Yar!
- Captain Neckbeard.
[audience laughing]
- Aye, 'tis I.
Seems ye be havin'
a private meetin',
without me.
- I'm afraid you're
outnumbered, matey.
- Oh?
- Ah.
- Captain Rainbowbeard.
- Nyah.
- And Captain Babybeard,
the pre- pubescent terror
of the Seven Seas.
- Yo ho.
- Well, now looky here.
We don't want no trouble,
mateys.
- But you'll be gettin' it
all the same.
All: Ha!
- I've been waiting
a long time for this, m--
- Arr!
- Ah, Captain Weirdbeard.
- Yah!
I think you've met
me associates,
Captain Frobeard,
and Captain Lipbeard.
- Yo!
- Yo ho!
- Me beard isn't nearly cool
enough for this meetin'.
- This be the first time
we be in the same place
and it's the last.
All: Yah!
[clanking swords]
[gunshot]
- It's Captain Beard.
- Aye, 'tis I, Captain Beard.
Now there be enough room
on the seas for all of us,
says I.
Just as there be enough room
on me face for me beard.
- Not sure that's
the strongest analogy
you could have made.
- Weigh anchor
and set sail you scurvy dogs.
We have an ocean to rule.
All: Aye!
- Except you
Captain Neckbeard,
that's just the grossest thing
I ever did see.
[audience clapping]
- All right.
- Welcome to Good Eats.
My name is Bethany, what can
we make for you today?
- Hello, I would like
two fliramahurs.
And one--
- What?
What?
- Two flurbayammas.
- Sir, you're having a hard
time reading the sign?
- No, no, it says right here.
I can get a bacon flubajammy.
- Are you saying hamburger?
- Yeah, sure.
I would like two of those.
- Okay, what toppings
would you like?
They're listed at the bottom
of the sign.
- Okay.
How about todabatons.
Wait, wait.
Yeah, todabatons.
Lots and lots of toadybatons.
- Sir, I don't understand
what you're saying.
- Red and juicy
toneepetunias.
- So, tomatoes.
- Yeah, umm.
And give me some chorub.
- What?
-Swiss Chorb.
- Cheese?
Do you not know
what cheese is?
- Make sure you not put any
fleeganopo on there okay.
- Okay, I won't.
- Because if I eat even a
little bit of that stuff,
I will die.
- Wait!
What!
Can you say that again?
- I will die.
- No, no,
the thing you're allergic to.
- To drink,
I would like a macfilite.
- Milkshake?
- Flavor?
Starmoondiggah.
- Strawberry.
- And give me a glass
of warble.
- Oh, I know you know
what water is.
- Hey!
I'm the one ordering here.
And you're sign clearly says,
"Goomalerma herpta
gamoodaling raptaface."
- [sighs] Please pay
at the second window.
- Thank you,
what was your name?
- Bethany.
- Yahtzee!
I'll be right there.
You're not Queen Bae!
- All right, people.
Let's do this.
- Oh, hey.
Ronald, we weren't expecting
you today.
- Really?
Today's the commercial shoot,
right?
- Well, yeah, but...
- Yeah, well, okay,
I'm just gonna come
right out and say it.
McDonald's is going
in a new direction.
- Yes.
- Cleaning up a look,
and we replaced you.
- What?
- Don't take it personally,
okay?
I mean, Taco Bell got rid
of the chihuahua.
- Yeah, probably
in the form of a taco.
- Yeah.
[audience laughs]
- But I've been
here fifty years.
- And that,
we really appreciate that.
Um, but uh, even Wendy's
replaced Wendy, right?
- You mean Dave's daughter?
- Yeah, in the new Wendy is
way ho--
[cautioning noises]
More appealing to customers.
- Exactly.
- I can't believe this.
Who's my replacement?
- Hi.
[audience cheering]
- Do you know who this is?
- We wanted to stick
with the clown image.
- Kids love clowns.
- And you couldn't have
gotten like Jack-in-the-Box
or something?
- Please.
That guy looks
like a serial killer.
Am I right?
- He does, he does.
- But, he is a serial killer.
- Ron, McDonald's deserves
a better class of mascot.
And I'm gonna give it
to them.
You'll see.
When the fries are gone,
these kids will eat each other.
- And we love his vision.
Show him the new motto.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
Bop a bop bop bah.
Let's put a smile
on that face.
- Did you hear him?
- Yeah, smile!
- No, that is not a smile.
Those are creepy scars.
- Oh, and here we go.
- Don't listen to him okay?
Maybe if you actually got
to know him,
you'd hear some really tender
stories about his dad and wife.
- Yeah, family values.
We need that.
- Families?
Really, what happens when he
scares away all the kids.
- Oh, the kids
are gonna love him.
Check out his new design
for the happy meal.
- Yeah, okay, so this comes
with chicken nuggets,
are those real chicken?
Still no, okay.
So it comes with nuggets
and this fun new toy,
I don't know what it is
but it looks neat.
- Hm.
[small explosion]
- Oh!
- Seriously?
No red flags there
for anyone?
- Kids will love that.
- Well, what happens to
Hamburglar and Grimace?
Do they get to stay?
- We'll have try-outs.
- Great idea!
- No!
That is a terrible idea.
You realize we'll have
the most evil ad campaign
in America.
- Oh, come on.
Worse than cows promoting
chicken genocide?
- The second most evil ad
campaign in America.
- Ronald, listen.
Have you had the McRib?
Hiring the Joker is not
the worst thing
McDonald's has done.
Okay.
All right.
Uh, we're done
with this conversation.
Are we ready?
- Yeah.
- Roll cameras.
- Action.
- Well hello beautiful.
Do you want to know how I got
these stretch marks?
- Cut!
Beautiful!
- One take wonder!
[applause]
- Though long forgotten,
nothing can compare to majesty,
wisdom and intrigue
of the Gods of the Ancient
Greek Pantheon.
I am Zeus.
God of the sky,
weather and fate.
Come to me, all those who
question their destiny.
- I am Aphrodite.
Goddess of love,
passion and beauty.
I will find love
for the loveless.
I am Poseidon.
God of the rivers, seas
and earthquakes.
Beware the elements.
I am Artemis,
goddess of wild animals,
disease and children.
Come to me
for all animal attacks,
disease attacks
and child attacks.
I am Demeter,
goddess of agriculture.
Farm, and I will be there.
I am Mastos.
God of sensible spending.
No one has listened to me
for the last thirty years.
I'm Barbatronus.
The God of aging,
you will age whether
I do anything or not.
I am Minoscurus.
God of the kind of grass
that cows eat.
Come to me if you are a cow.
I am Imbecilia.
Goddess of stupidity.
Come to me
with your bad decisions
and I'll make them
more stupider-erly.
I am Kilgerbon.
God of all real
and animated cats.
I will one day rule
the Earth.
I'm Ranthaleon.
God of Robert Downey Jr.
You're welcome.
I am Finnesia.
Goddess of Nicolas Cage.
I am way sorry.
I am Jarubadinka.
Goddess of ridiculous names.
All babies born in 2014,
come to me in ten years
when you're being
relentlessly teased.
I am Grettergon.
I like sports.
Wait, what are we doing?
I am Gobarium.
God of saying go bury 'em
when people ask what to
do with corpses.
I am Desdonia.
God of the Walkman
and mini-disc player.
I'm severely depressed.
I am Cantus-shepantus.
God of unfinished--
was that a bird?
I am Hemalorus.
God of running out
of toilet paper.
Fear me.
I am Morgan Freeman.
God of narration
and we are the Gods of the
Ancient Greek Pantheon.
♪♪
- Oh.
A dollar!
Nice!
Uh.
Why?
Oh.
What are you?
[sniffs]
[audience disgusted]
- Oh, oh, so gross.
[audience really disgusted]
What the?
I don't even have a shoe
that matches this one.
Man, what else is lurking
in this couch?
What the holy?
Man.
This is probably why my back
always gets poked.
[grunt]
A Record of the People
of Couchville:
Our Life and Times
Between the Cushions.
What is going on?!
Both: Ah!
- [Scottish accent]
Where am I?
- Who are you?
And what are you doing
in my couch?
- Why, I live there
of course.
- Oh.
Wait!
What?!
- Oh, ya found it.
Thank you.
I am King Warick,
Sewer of Seams,
Keeper of Febreze,
and Wielder of the
Wand of Numbers.
- [gasp] That's my remote.
- We use it to help silence
the wretched sirens
of The Bachelorette.
I've ruled and reigned
in your couch
for about 50 years now.
- Fifty years?
The couch is that old?
Wait, that's an insane amount
of time,
you would have to have been
born in the couch.
- I was.
- Oh, gross.
Wait?
What?!
- I was born and raised
in the couch.
- And you're Scottish?
Well, I used to be Swedish,
until you sprayed
the Scotch Guard.
- Is that my shirt?
- Probably.
Everything I own is stuff
that you've dropped in there.
- I dropped a full set
of clothes
and a purple cape in the couch.
I need to reevaluate my life.
- Warick.
- Wha- Oh.
- Uh, oh there ya are.
- Allow me to introduce
me wife, Queen Iona.
- So, do I call you
Your Majesty.
- Aye!
- Okay.
How do you live?
I mean, what do you eat?
- Oh, we've always had more
than plentiful amounts of food
from chips of the potato
to melted M&M's.
Though we wouldna mind
if you dropped a few fruits and
vegetables every once in awhile.
- Oh yeah, I must have eaten
all of those.
Um, but do I really drop
that much stuff into the couch?
- Aye, enough to sustain
the entire kingdom.
- The what?
- [sounds of struggle]
Hello there.
- Hi
- Sire, I'm afraid the peasants
in the hide- a- bed highlands
are asking for
a better sewage system.
- Very well, take some money
from the treasury
and get started.
- You have money too?
- Aye, our currency consists
of your loose change.
- My loose change?
How much have I dropped?
- Eighteen million dollars.
- Yeah, that sounds
about right.
- We have also
been bequeathed
the Leather Fold of Destiny and
the Jangling Medals of Freedom.
- My wallet and car keys!
- No!
- But I need those to drive
and live.
- How dare you violate
our trust?
- The people of Couchville
are very generous,
but if you threaten to steal
our greatest treasures.
- Look I'm sorry,
but you people are just--
- You people?
What's that supposed to mean?
- I think he means
grubby couch people, my queen.
- Now I didn't mean it
like that.
- Oh, we get it.
We're not from the other side
of the cushion, like you.
- Okay, now don't make this
a couch class thing.
- How dare you look down
your nose at us?
- I'm sorry, I'm just not
comfortable with couch Narnia.
- I'm sorry to do this.
But when you mess
with the people of Couchville,
the people of Couchville,
have no choice but to retaliate.
[horn sounds]
[grunting]
- Hey!
How did I drop so any swords
into the couch?
- There you go.
- It seems our kingdom is
safe once again my lord.
- Indeed.
- Hello King of Couchville.
- My old foe, I thought I
banished you a long time ago.
- The Ottoman Empire
will rise again!
[evil laugh]
[audience applause]
- Thanks for putting
this double date together, Matt.
I can't wait to meet
your new roommate.
- Oh, don't mention it.
- Actually, where is he?
I thought you said
he left three hours
before you did to get here.
-Oh no, do you think
he had car trouble?
- I seriously doubt that.
- How come?
- Um, well, uh.
- Because anything faster
than a donkey
is clearly the devil's work.
[audience cheering]
Tribulation,
you know the way home.
[brays]
[Donkey brays in return]
- I apologize for our delay,
but some devil
worshipping motorcyclist
attempted to pass us
on the freeway.
- Oh, do I dare ask
what you did to him?
- I turned the other cheek.
- Good for you.
- Tribulation however,
donkey- kicked him back
to the fiery inferno
from which he sprang.
- Uh, hi.
You must be Jedediah.
- Enough with the formalities.
Which of you is to be
my bride?
Ah, this one comes
from good stock.
Her strong legs
will be most useful
during the fall harvest.
- Uh, excuse me?
- Jedediah, please.
- This one however has
perfect hips for child delivery.
[audience oh's]
Plenty of womb
for the child to grow,
but not enough
to spoil the child.
- Jedediah, listen to me.
This is just a date.
Not a wedding auction.
- What's a date?
- It's where you invite
someone to do an activity
so you can get
to know them better.
- You know what
that sounds like?
It sounds like--
- It's not the devil's work!
- I was going to say it sounds
like a waste of money.
[audience claps]
- It often is.
- Hey!
- Jedediah,
women like romance,
not being compared
to livestock.
- I see.
[clears throat]
Roses are red, violets are blue,
both are useless,
plant some wheat!
- You need to wake up
and step into the 21st
century, Jedediah.
Your views on women are
extremely antiquated.
- Yeah.
Let me guess,
you'll only be happy
if your future wife
bears you a son.
- Actually I would prefer
a daughter.
- Really?
- Yes, because suffering is good
for the soul.
And no one suffers more
than a man who raiseth a girl.
-Ah, Jedediah.
Why don't we play
some mini-golf, okay?
- Ah yes, I would be happy
to beat you
until you are cleansed.
- No, no, Jedediah.
- Now remember, a sanctified
person is like a silver bell,
the harder they are smitten
the better they sound.
- Jedediah!
The club is used to hit the ball
into the hole.
It's a game.
- I haven't played a game
since I left my parent's estate
29 years ago.
- Gross, how old are you?
- Twenty-nine.
I left them at seven months.
- Seven months old?
- Don't be ridiculous.
Seven months in the womb.
My mother was not one
to coddle her children.
- What?
- Immediately following
my birth,
the midwife proceeded
to slap my buttocks,
and then my father bent down
and whispered into my tiny ear,
"You can cry now and
open up your lungs,
or you can have my respect.
The choice is yours."
- Clearly, this was a mistake.
Let's just go get
some ice cream.
- The unnatural freezing of
cream outside the winter months
is an abomination.
Fortunately I brought
some oats and twig thorns
for our delight.
- Oh.
- Yeah, okay, no.
Yeah, that wasn't
my worst date.
- Hey Chris, thanks
for giving me a ride here.
- Yeah, yeah, no problem.
I can't believe your sister
survived jumping
into that rhino cage.
- Yeah.
- Also, why did your sister
jump into that rhino cage?
- Oh, we have a series
of escalating dares.
- Wow, okay.
- It's clearly time to stop.
- Yeah.
You think she'll be okay?
- Oh yeah,
I think she'll be fine.
Why do you ask?
You gonna take her
on that date she's been
hounding you about?
- She's really persistent,
but I don't think she's my type.
- Hey, Brandon.
Can we get you at the front
desk to fill out some paperwork
for your sister?
- Sure, yeah.
I'll just be a minute.
- Yeah.
Cool.
[coughing]
- Catherine, Catherine, hey...
- Oh, where, where am I?
- You need to lay back.
You've had a really long day.
- Chr- Chris!
Hi!
Hi!
Hi.
[coy laugh]
Fancy meeting you here.
- At the hospital?
-Mm, so did you uh,
lift me onto this gurney
all by yourself?
- No, I think the EMT--
- Yeah, I'll bet you did
with those guns.
Ooo,
[imitates gun loading
and shooting]
- Catherine, I think
you need to rest.
- Cat.
- What?
- Call me Cat.
Rowr.
[mouth click] Ow!
Oh, ow!
Ow!
Oo, that tickled,
but less in a fun way
and more in a way
that feels like stabbing.
- Yeah.
They said the rhino literally
stepped on your face.
- Oh, you were looking
at my face?
[kissing noises]
- It's hard not to--
What are you--
What is that?
What are you doing?
[still making kissing noises]
- Stop that.
- Uh-uh.
- Stop, you're going to hurt
yourself.
- Okay, yeah, I'll stop
but just because you asked me to
and not because my jaw makes
the sound of Rice Krispies
when it moves.
- Okay, you need to lay back,
Catherine.
- But then it would mess up
my hair,
which someone has failed
to complement.
- No, no, I wouldn't touch
your head, yeah.
[audience responds with shock]
The rhino started eating it
after you blacked out.
He just left a few wispies.
- Oh, well it's nothing a little
accessorizing wouldn't fix.
[grunts]
- Catherine seriously,
you just need to lay down.
- Oh, come on--
Ow!
Oh my goodness that evil what.
- Your arm's severely injured.
So...
- Didn't even need an x-ray
or anything, burly Sherlock.
Sherlock.
Elementary, dear Watson.
- It's got a rhino horn
sticking out of it.
It's pretty obvious.
[audience oh's]
- You like a girl
who's literally one with nature?
- No.
No, I--
- Charge!
- Stop, stop, oh come on,
put that away!
Please.
- Mm, you smell like Old Spice
and antiseptic.
- Just the, you know, hand
sanitizer when I came in.
And so--
What are you--
- You're so thoughtful of my
weakened immune system.
- [muffled] No, I'm not.
Uh-uh, uh-uh.
- Ow, ow, I think
my lips are gone.
- Uh-uh, I think is one
of your molars?
[audience disgusted]
Your mouth's bleeding a lot.
- Not as much
as my bleeding heart.
- [laughs] I cannot tell
if you're flirting with me
or hemorrhaging internally, so.
- Both.
- That's not a good thing!
Can we? Yes.
- Okay, Catherine, we need to
get you off to surgery.
We have to hustle
because it turns out
that rhino did have rabies.
- You kissed me
when you had rabies?
- Brandon dared me to!
- You will not back down!
- Oh guys! Come on!
- Dude, I don't know
if I can do this,
I've never stolen
anything before.
- Just act natural,
it's easy.
- I don't know.
[evil laugh]
- Poof.
- Who are you?
- I'm your shoulder devil,
Jason.
Here, allow me to just climb up
on your shoulder.
Okay, okay.
Whoa!
I envisioned this
going differently.
Maybe your friend could help
me rise above the difficulties.
Lift me
in a dignified manner.
Whooo!
I'm very slick.
[audience cheers]
- Jason, thievery is fun,
there are all kinds of things
you can steal,
money, cars, dinner mints
at fancy restaurants.
- You gonna do this
or what, man?
And that Bit O' Honey
isn't gonna steal itself.
- He's right, Jason.
It's just a Bit O' Honey,
no one will even
notice it's gone.
- [sigh] Well, I guess one
time won't hurt.
- No, it certainly will--
I mean, you're right.
- [whispered] Got it!
- Well done.
- Nice, man, okay,
next time we should do something
bigger, like a bike,
or a turkey.
- Yes, your friend has
the spirit of--
Did he say a turkey?
[audience laughs]
- Guys, I'm not stealing
any more.
This was a one-time thing.
- Oh, no Jason, come on.
It's easy.
Hey, hey!
That old lady just dropped
a five dollar bill.
Go pick it up
before she notices.
- Yes.
- Well, uh,
no, I'm not gonna steal
from an old lady.
That's messed up.
- Oh, come on, those are the
easiest people to steal from.
I'll help you, Jason.
Just move towards the lucre.
It's almost in reach.
You have to want it.
What's happening?
Oh.
Sweet gluttony.
- Here, let me help you.
Oh, my dear boy, did you fall
while trying to return
this money to me?
How refreshingly honest.
Here, you keep it, but remember,
virtue is its own reward.
- Who was that?
The female Gandhi?
- Wow, being honest has
its benefits.
- No, Jason,
it was a fluke.
That kind of thing doesn't
even happen in Canada.
- Hey, I, uh, saw
what you did for that old lady.
That was really sweet of you.
So, here's my number.
So call me, perhaps.
- That's just not fair.
Jason, I don't want you
calling her.
She's far too righteous.
Give me the number.
- But no, you can't make me
do anything.
- You're right, Jason.
I can't.
Give it to me!
Where is it?
Where is the number?
I must have,
is this Bit O' Honey delicious.
- I don't know, Jason.
Maybe you're right
about that honesty stuff.
- No, move to James.
Shimmy.
- You are mine, James.
You are mine.
- Um, What?
- Behold the awesome power
of temptation.
- You know what?
I'm starting to feel warm
and fuzzy inside.
Let's go pay for that candy.
- Yeah, me too.
- What?
No, boys you just need
to become more calloused.
Quick, kill that dog.
- No,
we're not going to kill a dog.
That's messed up man.
Let's go pay for that candy,
and move to Canada.
- Yeah!
- Fine!
I'm sure there's someone else
I can persu--
Hello Grandma.
[audience cheers]
- Get behind me, Shoulder Devil.
[elegant classical music]
- My, what a lovely gala.
- Indeed.
I do hope Sir Francis attends
this eve.
- Indeed.
- Indeed.
[giggling]
- Good evening, gentle madames.
- Captain Blake.
- Milady, I called upon you
last Sunday morn,
but your handmaiden said
you were out.
- Oh, dear Captain,
we were only just discussing
the anticipated arrival
of Sir Francis François.
- I'm afraid I do not know
Sir Francis.
[gasps]
- Oh, what a shame!
He is only the most eligible man
at court.
- A brave and noble man.
He once saved an entire
family from a burning home.
- I touched
his kerchief once.
[giggle]
- Well, I shall be
most intrigued
to meet
this gallant hero.
- Ah, there he is!
All ladies: Oh!
- Is he behind
the pale woman, or?
- Good evening, Sir Francis.
- Your rugged charm has cast
a shadow over all
who are in the room.
- I wish to bear your children.
- [high, weak voice]
Forgive me, dear madame,
but your elegance and
your grace would make
even the fairest
of swans bow their heads
in complete submission.
[honking noise]
That is the sound a swan makes.
All women: Oh!
- Sir Francis,
I am Captain Blake.
I'm afraid that you've, um,
pranced away with the ladies'
hearts this evening.
- Forgive me Captain, but I
cannot simply cease my charm.
For it is attached to me,
through and through.
- Sir Francis--
- Please, call me Franny.
- I think I'll just stick
with Sir Francis.
- I heard you and your troops
were involved
in a little skirmish
with the Americans
at the Battle of Bunker Hill.
[affected laugh]
- Yes, it was rather
significant actually.
- Oh, Captain, I applaud
your little games of combat,
though I don't care much
for fencing myself.
All: Oh no.
- Well, actually we mostly
used muskets now.
[high trill of surprise]
- Must get dreadfully smoky.
I say Captain,
you must watch yourself,
or by this time next year,
you shall have
an incurable case of laryngitis.
[laughing]
-Wait, wait, wait.
[affected coughing]
That is the sound you will make.
[laughing]
- Milady, may I have
the honor of this dance?
- Oh, dearest goddess.
Would you accompany me
on this next dance?
- I'd be delighted.
- I know.
[sighs of delight from women]
- I say.
Have you ever seen such
a strapping young man?
- Would we say strapping?
- Oh, Captain,
do not be jealous
of Franny's
domineering presence.
- I say the waltz has left me
rather flushed.
- Oh!
- I'm not accustomed
to exerting myself.
- Are you all right, Franny?
- Ah! Sink me.
[gasps]
- Oh dear, his fervent dancing
overtook him.
- What a strong and
passionate man among men.
- What?
- Wake up my love.
- Ah, ah.
How lovely it is to be awoken
by such lovely faces.
All women: Oh!
- You cannot be serious.
Am I to understand that
this man commands all
of your affection,
where here I stand,
a war hero.
A man who has looked death
in the eye
and dressed
his own battle wounds?
- But have you dressed
your own puppy?
[murmurs of delight]
- So manly.
- I cannot believe you ladies.
- Hold King George III.
- Hello King George.
- I will defend your honor.
- Defend their honor.
This man is not a man at all.
[gasps]
[gasps]
- You expect me to believe
that he rescued a family
from a burning building?
He can hardly dance
the waltz,
if that's what it was.
En garde, sir.
- Help somebody!
That man stole my necklace.
- Oh!
- Out of me way,
ya poppinjay.
- Mm, I think not.
[screams] -
Sir Francis, I believe
I owe you an apology.
It seems that
I've misjudged...
- Lick the wound.
- I'll be by the drinks.
- Hey, hey everybody.
Thanks for watching
that video.
- We hope you enjoyed it.
Make sure you subscribe
to our channel
for more compilations
and new sketches
coming out all the time.
- Yeah.
Go ahead and give us a like,
comment,
tell us what
your favorite sketch is
out of the whole compilation.
And we'll see you around.
Keep waving.
- I am.
