WELCOME BACK.
MY NEXT GUEST IS MAKING HIS
NETWORK TELEVISION DEBUT.
PLEASE WELCOME, RAMY YOUSSEF!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF )
>> HEY!
MY NAME IS RAMY YOUSSEFF, AND
I'M MUSLIM --
( AUDIENCE REACTS )
LIKE, YEAH, YEAH.
LIKE, FROM THE NEWS?
HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN OUR SHOW?
FOX NEWS OR ANY OF THE NEWS,
REALLY.
THEY'RE ALL ABOUT US.
I GET WHY PEOPLE ARE AFRAID.
I DO.
ESPECIALLY IF YOU DON'T KNOW A
MUSLIM, OF COURSE.
EVEN IF SOMETIMES I WATCH FOR
TOO LONG, I'M, LIKE, WHOA, AM I
GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
( LAUGHTER )
THEY MAKE IT SEEM INEVITABLE.
I FEEL LIKE, NO MATTER WHAT I
DO, I'M JUST GOING TO TURN 30
AND GET A HOGWARTS LETTER FROM
I.S.I.S.
( APPLAUSE )
NO, SERIOUSLY, THERE IS GOING TO
BE A DUDE AT MY HOUSE WITH A
BEARD AND SAYS, YOU'RE A
TERRORIST, RAMY, YOU HAVE BEEN
ONE THE WHOLE TIME AND WE START
IN SEPTEMBER.
I'LL BE, LIKE, YEAH, COOL, DO I
GET A WAND?
I'D JOIN I.S.I.S. IF THEY GAVE
ME A WAND.
A WAND IS WAY COOLER THAN
DEMOCRACY.
SERIOUSLY.
THAT'S NOT REAL.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS REAL
ANYMORE.
LIKE, I AGREE WITH TRUMP WHEN HE
SAYS FAKE NEWS.
ALL THES IN FEELS FAKE BECAUSE
NONE OF IT REALLY AFFECTS ME.
LIKE I SEE THIS TRAGEDY ON A
SCREEN AND I'M SAD, BUT THEN I
HAVE MY DAY, AND IT'S FINE.
LIKE, I REMEMBER IF DAY THE
MUSLIM BAN HAPPENED.
I WAS UPSET.
I HAVE FAMILY THAT DOESN'T HAVE
CITIZENSHIP.
YOU KNOW, I WANT TO SEE THEM
AGAIN.
BUT PERSONALLY, I HAD A REALLY
GOOD DAY.
( LAUGHTER )
THAT DAY, I GOT CAST IN A TACO
BELL COMMERCIAL.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
SO, YEAH.
I'M WATCHING TV AND THIS GUY IS,
LIKE, THIS IS A TERRIBLE DAY FOR
ALL MUSLIMS.
I'M LIKE, WELL...
NOT "ALL" MUSLIMS.
( LAUGHTER )
AND IT WAS THIS SHELL MADE OUT
OF FRIED CHICKEN, AND I HAD THIS
LINE I HAD TO SAY.
I GO, "A SHELL MADE OUT OF TRIED
CHICKEN?
THAT'S IN-CONCEIVABLE ."
THEN MY MOM TEXTED ME AND SHE'S
LIKE WE'RE NOT SURE IF YOUR
UNCLE CAN GET BACK IN THE
COUNTRY.
I WAS, LIKE, WOW, MOM, THAT'S
CRAZY.
BUT YO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S
INCONCEIVABLE?
THIS SHELL...
( LAUGHTER )
OBVIOUSLY, I DON'T AGREE WITH
THE BAN.
OF COURSE NOT.
BUT THE PROBLEM IS I DO AGREE
WITH, LIKE, EVERY THIRD THING
THAT TRUMP SAYS.
IT'S LIKE A WEIRD MULTIPLE
CHOICE TEST.
HE'LL BE LIKE MEXICANS ARE
RAPISTS, MUSLIMS HAVE GOT TO GO,
THE GOVERNMENT IS BROKEN, IT
COULD DO BETTER.
I'LL BE, LIKE, ONE OF THOSE IS
TRUE.
BUT ARE ALL OF THEM TRUE IS THIS
( LAUGHTER )
AND THEN HE SAYS SOME THINGS
THAT ARE DEFINITELY TRUE.
THEY HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THE
DEBATE BUT HILLARY WOULD BE UP
THERE AND SAY THIS IS WHAT I'M
GOING TO DO ABOUT I.S.I.S. AND
BRING AC JOBS.
WHAT ABOUT YOU, DONALD?
HE WOULD BE JUST, LIKE, LA
GUARDIA AIRPORT SUCKS.
I WOULD BE, LIKE, IT DOES, MAN!
HILLARY HASN'T TALKED ABOUT LA
GUARDIA ALL YEAR!
SHE'S LYING, CHECK THE E-MAILS.
( LAUGHTER )
AND NOW WE'RE HERE.
I STILL THINK WE'RE GOING TO BE
OKAY.
I REALLY DO.
I BELIEVE IN GOD.
LIKE, GOD-GOD.
NOT YOGA.
YODA.
( LAUGHTER )
I GET IT.
RELIGIOUS CULTURE COULD BE
CRAZY.
I GREW UP IN A TOWN WHERE I
WATCHED MY GAY FRIENDS STRUGGLE
TO COME OUT TO THE RELIGIOUS
COMMUNITY.
NOW I LIVE IN L.A. WHERE I'M A
RELIGIOUS PERSON STRUGGLING TO
COME OUT TO THE GAY COMMUNITY.
( APPLAUSE )
AND TELL THEM WHAT I THINK.
THEY'RE JUST LIKE YOU BELIEVE IN
GOD?
DUDE, THAT'S SO GUY.
( LAUGHTER )
FOR ME, GOD IS HOPE THAT THERE'S
MORE TO LIFE THAN WHAT'S IN
FRONT OF US.
YOU KNOW, THAT EVEN IF THINGS
SEEM IMPOSSIBLE, THERE'S STILL A
CHANCE THAT IT COULD BE OKAY.
AND I'M NOT TRYING TO BE
PREACHY, I'M REALLY NOT.
ALL I'M TRYING TO SAY IS JUST
SUBMIT TO ISLAM BECAUSE IT'S THE
TRUTH --
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
-- AND THAT'S THE ONLY WAY YOU
WILL BE SAVED.
SERIOUSLY, THAT'S THE ONLY WAY.
TRUST ME.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: YOU CAN SEE HIM ON
THE UPCOMING SEASON OF
"MR. ROBOT."
RAMY YOUSSEF, EVERYBODY!
