-Welcome, everybody.
Thank you so much.
My name is Jimmy Fallon.
Welcome to "The Tonight Show."
Let's get to the news
and jokes, please.
Well guys, tonight was
the first night
of the Democratic
National Convention.
It was pretty different from
what we've seen in the past.
-An unprecedented
Democratic National Convention
will begin at what will be
an almost entirely
virtual event.
The party will officially
nominate Joe Biden
and Kamala Harris to lead
the presidential ticket.
-Yeah, it was the first night
of the virtual
Democratic National Convention,
because nothing quite
fires up Americans
like long speeches over Zoom.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, both the
Democratic and Republican
National Conventions
will be held without crowds,
which is a bummer because
the best part of these things
isn't the speeches,
it's the people in the crowds
dancing like idiots.
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
-I like that.
For the first night of
the Democratic Convention
there was wall-to-wall
coverage on CNN and MSNBC.
Meanwhile, on Fox News,
there was a three-hour special
called "Kamala Harris: Where
Do You Think She Was Born?"
[ Laughter ]
Each night of the convention
has its own theme.
For example, tonight's theme
was "We the People."
Tomorrow night is
"Leadership Matters,"
and Wednesday is, "Please Don't
Switch to Netflix."
[ Laughter ]
Well, earlier tonight
Bernie Sanders gave
a virtual speech
at the convention.
It was pretty exciting.
While Bernie's speech was
streaming live, so was he.
[ Laughter ]
-Oh!
[ Laughing continues ]
-It was weird seeing Bernie
do a virtual speech.
He ended up by going,
"That's my speech,
be sure to smash
that like button.
[ Laughter ]
Gucci!"
[ Laughter ]
But the biggest speaker
of the night was
former First Lady
Michelle Obama.
Her message was pretty simple.
She was like, "Please win so
I don't have to run in 2024.
Please."
If you missed Michelle Obama's
speech, don't worry,
Melania will deliver
the same speech at next week's
Republican convention.
[ Laughter ]
Well, the virtual convention
rolls on tomorrow,
and even though it's all
happening remotely,
it still looks like
an exciting night.
Here's the schedule.
First at 9:00,
remarks from former acting
Attorney General Sally Yates.
Then at 9:30, remarks from
Congresswoman
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.
Then at 10:00, remarks from
Senator Chuck Schumer.
Then at 10:01, a break
to help Chuck Schumer
reconnect his Wifi.
[ Laughter ]
Then at 10:02, Schumer calls
his daughter to ask
for the Wifi password,
but she doesn't answer,
so he leaves a message asking
how to send a text.
[ Laughter ]
Next at 10:03,
FaceTime between I.T. guy
and Schumer,
where Schumer holds the
phone up to his ear
because he doesn't realize
it's a video call.
10:05, Schumer reconnects,
but it's using his cellphone,
not his Wifi, so he panics
because he doesn't have
unlimited data.
10:07, Schumer says he's
restarting the router
while actually just turning on
a dehumidifier.
Finally at 10:10, Bernie Sanders
comes on and says,
"Oh, the hell with him,
I'll speak again."
So, sounds like a big night.
Well, the other big story right
now is the postal service.
People are worried
that budget cuts
are going to hurt mail-in
voting -- watch this.
-Friday, a number
of states reported
officials got letters from
the Postal Service warning them
the agency will not be able
to fulfill requests
for mail-in ballots in time
for this November's election.
-Trump was like, "Hey,
if the states got those letters
from the Postal Service,
how bad could it be?"
This is crazy. We can't send in
mail-in ballots?
Meanwhile, Americans can get
drunk, go on Amazon,
and eight hours later there's
a new pair of sunglasses
for their ferret waiting
at their front door.
[ Laughter ]
But in response to all this,
Nancy Pelosi
and her fellow Democrats
are fighting back.
Listen to this.
-House Speaker Nancy Pelosi
announced
she is calling back lawmakers
from their summer recess
to deal with the crisis
at the Postal Service.
House Democrats have launched
an investigation over
whether the Trump administration
is intentionally undermining
the agency ahead of the
presidential election.
-That's right. The House is
cutting its vacation short
to deal with this.
When they heard lawmakers were
flying back to Washington,
the Postal Service was like,
"Would you mind bringing
this sack of mail?"
[ Laughter ]
You know 2020 is crazy
when Congressional hearings
about the Postal Service
are must-see TV.
Meanwhile, Trump held
a press conference
from his Bedminster
Golf Club on Saturday
and bragged about the enthusiasm
for his campaign
from a strange
voting block.
-I just looked.
There are thousands of boats
in lakes, rivers and oceans.
Thousands and thousands
of boats.
It's called Boaters for Trump.
Boaters for Trump/Pence.
There's signs all over.
Some of the boats have
ten flags on them.
They're incredible.
-Yeah.
Because everyone knows
all elections come down
to the boater vote.
[ Laughter ]
[ As Trump ]
"I love all boaters.
And remember to boat for me
on Election Day.
Every boat counts, so..."
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, Trump is still angry
about his news coverage.
Yesterday he tweeted that people
should, "Start watching OANN,"
a right-wing cable channel
known for spreading
conspiracy theories.
Well, they have some very
interesting shows,
and you can tell that
they're fans of Trump.
For example, there's
"White-ish."
[ Laughter ]
Next up, there's
"The Marvelous Mr. Mnuchin."
Next there's, "How Mike Pence
Met Mother."
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, there's
"Orange Mirror."
That's a good lineup.
Good lineup.
Oh, here's some good news.
It looks like there's
a new COVID test on the way
that could be a game changer.
Check it out.
-Federal Officials
have just given
emergency approval
to what's being called
"a groundbreaking
new saliva test."
It was developed by researchers
at Yale University.
The test, expected to cost
just 10 bucks.
You're also expected
to get results
in a matter of hours,
not days.
-Yeah. The new tests will
make it extra weird
when patients show up, like,
"Nah, I prefer the cotton swab
straight to the brain, please."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, you can take
the test at home,
or if you're in a hurry,
just go to the spitting section
of the Walmart pharmacy.
And, finally, this is crazy,
I heard about a 12-year-old
in Australia who was just caught
doing something
pretty unexpected.
Watch this.
-Three minors were caught
gambling
at an Australian casino,
including a 12-year-old girl.
-Yeah. The girl was like,
[ Deep voice ]
"It ain't gambling when
you have a system."
[ Laughter ]
Even weirder, her dad
was across the street
in a ball pit at
Chuck E. Cheese.
