-Thank you so much.
Nice to see you.
Thank you for tuning in
and watching
"The Tonight Show," everybody.
Nice to see you, Roots.
I had a dream about you
last night, Quest.
-Me?
-Yeah.
I had a -- I had Indian food,
which I love.
-[ Laughs ]
-It's my favorite.
-He's laughing already.
-What?
I had -- you know
I like the spicy, man.
-This can't end well.
[ Laughter ]
-No, it ends -- It's not bad.
It was just an odd dream.
So, I had --
Chicken vindaloo is my jam.
So I go super spicy.
I'm not afraid.
And then I don't know
if my brain can handle it,
so I went to sleep, my slumber,
and I was in --
everything was great.
And then I started
having these dreams.
We were doing the show.
And in the middle of the show,
it was back
when we had the crowd,
and in the middle of the show,
you stopped me, and you go,
"Jimmy, stop. I got to just show
you something, man."
I go, "What's up?"
And you walked around
behind James over there,
and you just started dancing.
[ Laughter ]
Like, almost like a ballerina
type of a --
like, you were spinning around,
and, like, doing that thing
where you keep
kicking and spinning.
-Isn't that called a pirouette?
-What?
-A pirouette.
-Yeah, yeah,
it was like a pirouette,
but it was one of
those impressive ones
where it doesn't end, really,
and just keeps going.
-Like "White Knights" the movie,
okay.
-Yes, it was Baryshnikov.
[ Laughter ]
-Rubles, rubles, rubles.
[ Laughter ]
Wait, why do I remember
that reference?
-Dude, rubles, rubles, rubles.
So, it was that happening,
and I go --
And at one point I was
a little kind of embarrassed
because I go like,
"What is he doing?"
And then I go, "That's pretty
impressive, actually."
I loved it.
And then these people
were in the front row
and they all had matching
T-shirts and they go,
"We're dancers, too."
And they got up
and started doing --
[ Laughter ]
I woke up like 5:00
in the morning.
I was going to text you like,
"I don't know what's going on,
man." But anyways.
-When I get down to
my goal weight of 200 pounds,
I'm going to do that.
-Alright, good.
That's probably what it is.
[ Applause ]
That's what it is.
-Alright.
-Alright. Let's get
to the news and jokes.
Well, guys, President Trump
is still down in the polls,
so he's trying everything
to help his campaign.
And I got to admit,
I did not see this one coming.
Listen to this one.
-In a tweet this morning,
he wrote,
"With universal mail-in voting,
not absentee voting,
which is good,
2020 will be
the most inaccurate
and fraudulent election
in history.
It will be a great embarrassment
to the USA.
Delay the election
until people can properly,
securely and safely vote."
-He wants to delay the election.
It's the presidential election.
It's not the release date
for "Bill and Ted 3."
[ Laughter ]
When they saw Trump's tweet,
JetBlue is like, "Trust us.
When he says delayed,
he means canceled."
[ Laughter ]
"We've done it enough times."
Americans were like,
"How long a delay
are we talking about here?
Months, like your response
to COVID?
Years, like your response
to Putin?
Or decades,
like a hug for Don Jr.?
Just give us a hint."
If he can't deny it,
pretty soon he'll be like
"Republicans
should all vote on November 3rd,
but we'll have Democrats vote
at a later date, TBD."
I don't think Trump
wants to leave.
He's like that friend who's been
crashing at your house
for a while
but keeps dropping hints
he might need some more time.
You see how Trump used
three question marks
at the end of his tweet.
Yeah, I don't think the
President should ever be using
three question marks,
I mean, I don't even want
my mechanic doing that.
It's like,
"Need new brakes maybe?"
[ Laughter ]
Stop with the question marks.
The last thing our country needs
right now is a cliffhanger.
And it's not just Democrats.
Many Republicans
like Lindsey Graham,
Mitch McConnell and Ted Cruz
have also come out
against the idea.
Yeah, not since Trump's
last 10 ideas
has everyone agreed
that this is a really bad idea.
Even during the worst times
in U.S. history,
the presidential election
has never been postponed,
not for the Civil War,
not for the pandemic of 1918,
and not even for the Ed Hardy
T-shirt fad of 2008.
[ Laughter ]
-Hey.
-Were you one of those guys?
-No, Jimmy. Shut up, Tariq!
[ Laughter ]
-I know.
-They were free.
-No, I know they were.
I know they were.
Yeah, they were free.
Oh, my God.
Lately it hasn't been easy
for Trump's campaign.
Let's see if they were able
to turn things around today.
-Journalists in Vice President
Mike Pence's motorcade
say his bus
was involved in a minor crash
with a dump truck
on the way to Greensburg.
-Don't worry, everyone is okay.
Actually, a campaign bus
hitting a garbage truck
pretty much sums up
Trump's last six months.
[ Laughter ]
Well, luckily, the accident only
caused a minor fender bender
and a small oil leak.
And I'm talking about Pence,
not the bus.
Oil can, oil can, oil can.
[ Laughter ]
A little Wizard of Oz ref.
Well, guys, yesterday during
an interview with ABC News,
Dr. Fauci mentioned
a new safety measure to defend
against the coronavirus.
Watch this.
-Dr. Anthony Fauci now touting
another possible tool
to fight the virus --
eye protection.
-If you have goggles
or an eye shield,
you should use it.
I mean, it's not
universally recommended,
but if you really want
to be complete,
you should probably use it.
-Yeah, the President wouldn't
even wear glasses
during an eclipse.
There's no way he's doing this.
[ Laughter ]
People are like, "I don't know,
I don't want to look stupid."
And then they went back
to wearing a mask
with Skeletor's teeth on it.
[ Laughter ]
I feel like we're one week away
from Dr. Fauci
telling everyone to walk
around in a beekeeper suit.
Am I right?
Hopefully the goggles
will protect you from the virus
and if Dr. Fauci was anywhere
near you with a baseball.
Hey, you know, he was thinking
like, "Good, good, good.
Oh, it's bad,
it's bad, it's bad."
[ Laughter ]
Hey, guys, here's some exciting
news for sports fans.
-Basketball bouncing back with
a doubleheader in the bubble.
For more than three weeks,
players from 22 teams
have been training
and living at Disney World.
344 players
have repeatedly been tested
for coronavirus in the bubble,
and not a single test
has come back positive.
-Yeah!
The NBA is back.
Only the top 22 teams
were invited to
the Disney World bubble.
The other eight are just
playing scrimmages
in a parking lot
behind Chuck E. Cheese.
[ Laughter ]
Well, this is weird. Even though
the NBA is back tonight,
ESPN still showed three hours
of arm wrestling.
Isn't that weird?
[ Laughter ]
"I don't know if he's going to
go over the top with this one.
He's gonna go over the top.
He's got him!"
It's been
a crazy week in sports.
That's what I'd say.
Between the NBA starting today,
Major League Baseball
and the NFL
is thinking about their season,
which means it's time for
"Oof, Yeesh, Oh, God."
♪ -Oof, yeesh, oh, God ♪
-That's right. The NFL is hoping
they can still have
a season this year,
but things are already off
to a rocky start.
Take a look at this.
-A new reality for the NFL
with more than a dozen players
already opting out
of the 2020 season
by the first day
of training camp.
-Ooh. Players are already
dropping out.
♪ -Oof ♪
-Of course, Major League
Baseball has already
started their season. Let's see
how that's going so far.
-ESPN reporting that the Miami
Marlins home opener tonight
has been canceled.
Eight more players
and two coaches have now
tested positive for coronavirus.
-Seriously?
That's now 14 players.
♪ -Yeesh ♪
-Well, at least I'm sure the NBA
isn't having any issues
after putting players
in their bubbles.
-The NBA is investigating
what Clippers guard Lou Williams
did on his recent excused
absence from the NBA bubble.
ESPN reports that Williams
told NBA security
that he went
to a funeral in Atlanta
and after that, he went
to a strip club for dinner.
[ Laughter ]
-Dude, a strip club to eat?
♪ -Oh, God ♪
[ Laughter ]
And this has been
"Oof, Yeesh, Oh, God."
♪ -Oof, yeesh, oh, God ♪
[ Laughter ]
-This is exciting, guys.
Today after --
I don't know who was
hitting the high note.
I don't know who was
hitting the high notes, but --
-Acknowledge that greatness.
[ Laughter ]
Go ahead, man.
Take some time now.
Acknowledge the greatness.
[ Laughter ]
-[ High-pitched voice ]
♪ Oh, God ♪
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] Well, guys,
some business news
that we could probably do
without.
French's is releasing
a limited time mustard beer
in celebration of National
Mustard Day this Saturday.
Let's take a look at this.
Yeah, finally, we no longer
have to squirt some French's
into our Bud Light.
[ Laughter ]
If you want to buy it,
good news --
all the cases
are still available.
[ Laughter ]
Some people are
a little classier --
prefer a Grey Poupon Zinfandel.
Meanwhile, you know, we've all
got that friend who's like,
"I only drink
artisanal mustard beer.
So do you have
any Sir Kensington's?"
[ Laughter ]
"I guess I won't drink."
[ Laughter ]
"Just don't feel like it.
Not in the mood."
[ Laughter ]
And finally these days can feel
like there's a lot
going wrong in the world.
Sometimes you just wish
you could make it right.
Well, luckily, we're able to do
that here at "The Tonight Show."
We took this week's
biggest stories and changed them
to what we wish had happened.
It's time for
"This Week Made Right."
Check it out.
♪♪
-Dr. Anthony Fauci
to throw out the first pitch.
Yeah.
-We want a vaccine available
for the American people.
[ Speaking indistinctly ]
-Alright, welcome back.
Republicans now say they want
to send many Americans
another round of $1.2 million
stimulus checks.
Today, White House officials
and Senate Republicans announced
they are working out
the details.
-As the weather gets warmer,
there has been an uptick
in maskless people
going to crowded parties.
But don't worry. They have
all been put in NASA's rocket
and launched straight to Mars.
-We have a great show
for you tonight.
