HIS THIRD STAND-UP SPECIAL, "A 
MAN FROM KANSAS", IS AVAILABLE 
NOW ON AMAZON PRIME VIDEO AND 
EVERY MONDAY, HE CO-HOSTS "THE 
ONE MILLIONTH PODCAST" WITH HIS 
SISTER ANDI. 
FROM "JIMMY KIMMEL'S COMEDY CLUB
IN LAS VEGAS, NEVADA,  PLEASE 
WELCOME CHRIS PORTER.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
>> THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT.
I'M AT THAT AGE WHERE ALL MY 
FRIENDS ARE HAVING BABIES ON 
PURPOSE.
THAT'S A PHONE CALL I MESS UP 
LIKE 80% OF THE TIME.
MY BUDDIES CALL.
"SHE'S PREGNANT".
AH, THAT SUCKS, DUDE, I'M SORRY.
PORTER, WE'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 
THREE YEAR.
I KNOW, MAN.
THESE THINGS HAPPEN.
FOR BETTER OR WORSE, YOU SAID 
IT.
I WAS THERE.
I TOLD YOU TO CHANGE THAT PART.
THEY LET YOU WRITE THE VOWS.
FOR BETTER OR WE'LL SEE.
I HAD DINNER WITH SOME FRIENDS 
THE OTHER NIGHT.
THEY SAID WE'RE HAVING OUR FIRST
BABY.
I SAID, WELL, SEE YOU IN TWO 
YEARS.
THEY'RE LIKE, WHAT?
I SAID, YEAH, MAN.
WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR FIRST BABY, 
TO YOUR FRIENDS THAT DON'T HAVE 
BABIES, YOU DIED.
YOU'RE DEAD NOW.
YOU'RE LIKE A WEIRD GHOST I TALK
TO ON THE PHONE SOMETIMES.
THAT FIRST SIX MONTHS AFTER YOU 
HAVE A BABY YOU CAN'T GO OUT.
YOU'RE STUCK IN YOUR HOUSE.
YOU HAVE AN INFANT, IT'S A 
24-HOUR-A-DAY DEAL.
I GET IT.
YOU WANT ME TO COME OVER.
NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
CHRIS, YOU GOT TO COME OVER AND 
SEE THE BABY.
FIRST OFF, I HAVE INSTAGRAM.
TRUST ME.
I'VE SEEN YOUR BABY.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, IF YOU 
DON'T FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO 
TAKE A PICTURE OF REAL SOON, 
YOU'RE GOING TO LOSE A FOLLOWER.
I'LL TAKE A PLATE OF EGGS AT 
THIS POINT.
I NEVER COME OVER AT THE RIGHT 
TIME.
I ALWAYS COME OVER RIGHT AFTER 
THE BABY WENT TO SLEEP.
SO NOW WE ALL GOT TO BE SUPER 
QUIET.
WATCH FOOTBALL IN THE GARAGE, 
LIKE ANIMALS.
OR EVEN WORSE, I COME OVER AND 
THE BABY'S AWAKE.
NOW YOU WANT ME TO HOLD THE 
BABY.
I DON'T WANT TO HOLD YOUR BABY.
YOU HOLD YOUR STUPID BABY.
YOU EVER POLITELY REFUSE TO HOLD
SOMEONE'S CHILD?
THERE'S NO EASY WAY AROUND IT.
THEY GET SUPER UPSET.
AND THEN, WHEN I'D FINALLY GIVE 
IN AND SAY I'LL HOLD THE BABY, 
YOU ASK LIKE I'M AN IDIOT AS MY 
REWARD.
ALL RIGHT, MAN, I'LL HOLD THE 
BABY.
WELL, YOU GOT TO SUPPORT ITS 
NECK.
NO [ BLEEP ].
YOU THINK I FIGURED THAT OUT 
WHEN YOU HANDED ME YOUR KID AND 
IT'S -- WAIT A MINUTE, I'M JUST 
GOING TO BE OVER THERE, WHAT'S 
THE MATTER WITH YOUR BABY?
ITS NECK IS ALL MESSED UP.
IT WAS LIKE THIS WHEN YOU HANDED
IT TO ME.
YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS SOFT SPOT IN
ITS HEAD?
IT BLINKS WHEN YOU TOUCH IT.
LOOK.
SEE, BABY'S ASLEEP.
BABY'S AWAKE.
BABY'S ASLEEP -- I DON'T KNOW 
WHY YOU'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WITH 
INTER
THIS.
IT'S GOT A SLEEP BUTTON ON IT.
GRAB YOURSELF A PAPERWEIGHT AND 
TAKE A NAP.
YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN A LOT OF FUN.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
[CHEER
