A lot of the videos that I do here are
for the parents. This one is for you
because your parents are a little
overprotective. You want to know what to
do? So your parents are overprotective?
It happens. In fact, it's pretty common
problem. Parents are not that hard to
understand. In this video, let's talk
about two specific parts of parent
psychology that are going to help you to
understand where your parents are coming
from. So first, we magically make a
mountain appear on this whiteboard. Ready?
Watch. (Snaps) What does this mountain have to do
with parenting? A whole lot actually. Have
you ever climbed a mountain where as
you're ascending up the side of that
mountain, let's say that you get up to
maybe this point right here. Can you see
my little hiker there on the mountain?
This little hiker has a pretty good view
from here. From this point on the
mountain, he can look out and he can see
lots of great stuff. Even if he's not
very high on the mountain yet. What
happens as he hikes a little higher?
Let's say he gets up to this point on
the mountain. Do you see that this little
hiker right here is going to have a little
better view than this little hiker down
here? Yeah, it makes sense, right? He can
see more from here. Well, you can see
where we're going with this, right? As we
get a little higher on the mountain, this
little hiker here has an even better
view than both of these. Now, when I say
better, I mean he can see more because of
a higher perspective. What happens when
we get to the top of that mountain? Okay,
not only do we have a view of this side
of the mountain but now we have a view
this way as well and it's the best view
of all. Now, what does this have to do
with you in your parents? Have you ever
wondered why your parents are your
parents? I know, that's going to be one of
those mind-blowing philosophical
questions. But really what it comes down
to as your parents showed up on earth
before you did, right? That's required
when you think about it.
Well, why did they show up before you did?
I don't know. And I don't have all those
metaphysical answers. But they were here
first. Your parents have been hiking
longer than you have. Now, I'm not saying
that they're smarter. In fact, you know
what most parents that I talked to are
hoping that they're not. That they're not
smarter than you. We all want the next
generation to be maybe smarter than we
were. So, I'm not saying your parents are
smarter than you. I'm not saying they're
more righteous or pious than you are. I
don't know if they are. All I'm saying is
they've been hiking longer. And because
they've been hiking longer their view is
larger than yours. Your view is really
awesome, okay? Your parents have more that
they can see. It's not good or bad, it's
just how it is. Now, because they've been
hiking longer and they have a little
more of the view, they're going to look down
at you sometimes hiking down there on the
mountain and they'll be like, "Hey, no!
Don't go that way!" Right? They're over
protective. Yeah and this is why: Because
they have this view where they can maybe
see a cliff that you're heading off of.
Or maybe they see you know, that the
trail that you're heading on is really
difficult and rockier. They've been on
that trail and they don't want you to go
that way because it's hard. So, they're
hoping that they can get you redirected.
Well, they're hollering down to you
meanwhile you're down here and you're
like, "What? I'm hiking here. I'm doing fine!
Get out of my face!" Right? And you are. You
do have an awesome view from where you
are. Here's the other thing: Parents love
you. I know they probably told you this.
If they haven't, it's true. Parents love
their kids. And when you become a parent,
you're going to see why that is the case.
It's okay that you don't fully understand
that right now. When I became a parent,
blew my mind. It's like, "Whoa! Had no idea
that it could be like this." Your parents
love you and because they love you, it's
really hard for them if they predict
that you're going to walk off of a cliff to
just stand there and let you do it. No.
They're going to jump in and they're going to
holler at you a little bit. They'll
become overprotective. Is that making
sense to you? This is why parents become
overprotective. But there's another thing
that we need to understand about parent
psychology. Let's erase this thing. What's
the next part? It has to do with parent
psychology. Pay attention. I'm going to hit
this really fast so that you understand
how your parents are thinking. Let's look
at this graph first. What is this graph?
This graph has to do with control and
maturity. On this up and down axis is
control. Meaning control over your own
life. Down here on the side beside axis
is maturity. Meaning, how grown-up are you?
So, when you start out. Let's say that we
look at this in terms of age, okay? At
birth, when you're first born how much
control do you have over your own life?
Hardly any. You can make a big noise in a
big stink. That's about it. You're clear
down here. What about when you're all
grown up, when you're an adult, how much
control do you have over your own life?
Hmm, a whole lot. This line through the
middle represents how much control you
have as you become more and more mature.
That making sense? Now, I've divided this
into three sections because these stages
have a whole lot to do with how parents
think. How parents think this is going to
really help. If you've got overprotective
parents. Stage 1, let's look at what that
looks like first of all. At stage one,
we are selfish and self-centered. It's
all about me, me, me. It's demanding. I want
what I want and I want it now. And you
fight for what it is that you want.
Or you crying, hollering, to yell and
scream, throw a tantrum, right? Okay, so you
know what stage one looks like. This is
typical of little toddlers by the way.
Two-year-olds they're really good at
throwing a tantrum.
How much maturity does it take? What have
you throw a tantrum? If you throw a
tantrum, your parents are going to think
(Whether it's true or not) that you are on
stage one. If you are demanding or
selfish or manipulative in any way,
they're going to think that you're on
stage one. Why is that important? I'll
come back to that in just a minute.
Stage 2 is all about cooperation. We
stop fighting and we start cooperating.
Stage 2, we don't want any trouble. We
want to keep the peace. So, we're going to
work something out. We're going to negotiate.
We're going to come up with some kind of
a win-win solution. We're going to work with
our parents a little bit on this one.
That's stage 2. Stage 3 is truly
responsible. Stage 3 is where we take
initiative. You know what initiative is,
right? It's where you understand what
needs to happen and you do it without
even being asked. That's initiative.
Morals, values, ethics, making the right
choices for the right reasons. This is
all about stage 3. Now, what does this
have to do with overprotective parents?
Parents are constantly monitoring how
mature their kids are. Whether they're
right or not.
If they think that you are on stage 1,
they're going to get a little controlling.
This part over the line is the part of
the control the parents take. See, if they
think you're on stage 1, they don't
think you're mature enough to have any
control over your own life. They're going to
step in and they're going to get a little
control crazy on you. If they think that
you're on stage 2, they're going to back
off a little bit and allow you to have
more
control. This part under the line is the
part of the control you get to have. If
they think that you're on stage 3,
they're going to back way off and they're
going to let you run the show. If your
parents are over controlling, it's
because they think that you aren't
mature enough to handle it. Now, are they
right about that? I don't know. I don't
know what you've been doing. If you're
yelling and screaming, if you're selfish
and manipulative, if you're doing all of
this kind of stuff, they're going to think
that you're on stage 1. Even if you're
really mature enough to call the shots
in your own life. So, here's what I want
you to try. Now, you can do this or not do
this. I don't have any authority to tell
you anything. But just consider this for
a minute. If you were to try for the next
few days to conduct your own life on a
stage 3 level. Meaning you are
responsible and you take initiative. The
dishes. Oh my gosh. This is the easiest
thing in the world. You go into your
kitchen right now. Look around. What do
you notice? There's dishes that need to
be taken care of. The dishwasher either
needs to be loaded or emptied. Always,
right? There's always something to do in
there.
Are you willing to cooperate? If your mom
or your dad asks you to go in there and
clean some stuff, have do some dishes, can
you handle that?
Yes you can. that's a nice stage 2. If
you're refusing to cooperate or help,
they think you're on stage 1. Whether
you are or not,
they think you are and that's the
important part. You're willing to
cooperate, well that's a really nice
stage 2. If you really want your
parents to back off, go handle it without
being asked. Where else can you try this?
How about taking out the garbage? How
about cleaning the bathroom? Now, this is
not about doing chores. Don't get
confused about that. I don't care if you
do chores or not. That's totally up to
you. What I'm trying to help you with is
your overprotect
parents. And if they're getting all
control freakish on you, it's because
they think that you are on stage 1. Let
that sink in for a minute. Can you do
anything about this? Yes you can. And you
know what? Don't fake it. Because if
you're faking it, they'll think that
you're trying to get something out of
them which is manipulative and then they
think you're on stage 1. So, it's got to
be genuine, it's got to be sincere. You
don't do the dishes because you're
thinking that they'll let you use the
car. No. You do the dishes because it's
the right thing to do and somebody's got
to do it and you're a living human being
in that house. Take care of the stuff. And
then they will think that you're on
stage 3. And guess what? They
magically back off. If they don't, send me
a message and I'll team up with you on
this. Because I'm constantly trying to
teach parents this. You know what? Kids
get it a lot quicker sometimes than the
parents do. Practice and experiment with
stage 3 and do it consistently
enough that your parents start to think
that you're being more mature and let's
see what happens with that
overprotective nature. Okay, hopefully
those ideas were helpful. Maybe I can
help you with your parents too. Will you
invite them to connect to our channel
here?
