[Chris] Hello!
[Ian] Hi!
[Chris] Welcome back to our channel.
Today's video we are going to be
[Ian] Talking about sobriety.
[Chris] Talking about my journey.
How it's gotten us to where we are today.
[Ian] Um-hum
[Chris] And just like really diving in.
Because I know there's a lot of people
who've been asking questions about it.
And I know there are some people who
I've reconnected with from my past
who are now seeing me
on social media and they maybe
don't know the full story.
So this is really just like 'Let's Dive In,'
and let's have full honesty with each other.
So, I asked you to ask me questions
you have about this experience.
And this is here to help you.
[Ian] Yeah, just to hear someone's story
and hopefully, this helps someone who's either going through it.
Sort of like going to be a healing moment.
[Chris] Yeah. [Ian] If you will.
[♪♪♪ background music ♪♪♪]
[Ian] Okay, so one of the questions
that we're going to start with
is from @rogue2975
They are asking,
*pop noise*
Where did al- "alcoholism" start for you?
[Chris] So my mom went to rehab
when I was about 15 years old.
And it's run in my family.
I have so many family members who are addicted to something,
or other. [Ian] We all are.
[Chris] So,  [Ian] We are all filling a void.
[Chris] Yeah so, when my mom went away
to rehab, when I was 15, that's when
my issues kind of started. And I think
it doesn't coincide with her going away.
I think it more coincides with me being a teenager.
You know that 'teen angst' of wanting freedom
and I went off to boarding school
so I left home and there
I had more freedom, and I think my my drinking
really ramped up. And I was putting myself
in terrible situations and getting hurt myself
And my situation at home, I felt like was
the worst and I was hurting
And there's the phrase that, "Hurt people hurt people."
[Ian] Um-hmm  [Chris] And that carried into college.
And, like internally, I was so hurt that, th- it,
I could not help to also affect negatively the people around me.
[Ian] What was the thing that was hurting in you?
[Chris] It was just, like, a lot of self-hatred that built-up
from situations, I put myself in, or just not being able to like, look at myself and feel that self-love.
In negatively affecting people around me, once I got to college, my roommate actually
worked with my family to start an intervention.
[Ian] Thank you, roommate [TLB agrees]
[Chris] And I will be forever thankful to her
to this day for getting that first step
started for me. Because in the fact that I had hurt her
through my actions of just being a mess of a human,
she knew that there was more in me to
get to this other side
that's a vague answer of what exactly happened
So much happened to lead up to that
horrible breaking point of an intervention
so much happened, but what made me do it
is the fact that at the intervention my parents,
and all of my family who was there told me
I was getting completely cut out of their life
Unless I went and got help that day
[Ian] Wow!  [Chris] And that was a very ultimatum and
there were people who before that who
had already cut me out of their life and that also helped.
[Ian] It's like the last straw?
[Chris] Yeah, I could not keep losing people to fill that void.
So that day, I flew down to Florida
It was like on a Wednesday, I was supposed to go to school that day in September
[Ian] You probably got a cheap flight  [Chris laughs] Yeah, Yeah!
[Ian] Sometimes it takes that you know when
you're not feeling a sense of self-love
from yourself, because that happens as
you grow up, and things are
happening. It's easier to curl in because
you don't want to
- I'm speaking for me -  it's like you
wouldn't want to burden the other people
with
what your experience is. And so how we
tend to that and fill whatever void is
happening because of it
is we become addicted to something we
use this thing
all for filling this void and so it took
seeing how many people were standing
there?  [Chris] It's like 10 people
[Ian] 10 people in your small Boston apartment?
[Chris] Um-hmm [chuckles] [Ian] You know what I mean so like you're like like
oh seeing this and there's this amount of
tribal love coming at you. Your family
who are saying you know we love you
You have to do this if you love you, and
I just, I think that was a very important moment.
Okay next question
* pop noise*
[Chris] I sure did! [Ian] Yeah, and I met some of them actually.
[Chris] Yeah, so I actually went to rehab twice.
and once was after
high school but that was only a 30-day
program. And it just didn't really work for me it was
the kind of program where I was
very loving and they were going to care
for me until I loved myself.
And then the second program I went to
after the intervention
was a year-long program and that was
[gulps water] intense therapy that was very tough love that was
you need to face every bad thing you
have done
in order to never go back there and that
is exactly what I needed to see.
Because there are things I am never
going to be able to fix.
But just knowing that every day I can now
take action to bring joy to other people,
to bring joy to
anyone I can come in contact with, in order
to start making amends from my past.
Because I cannot go to my past and fix it.
[Ian] Yeah, there is something when you said that
when you were saying like, "hurt people
hurt people"
you said it was the second place. [Chris] Uh-hmm
[Ian] When someone says that they're like, "You're going to face what you did. Have no, like license in this
but it makes me think of like you
have to feel
some of the trauma you cause in order
for you to hopefully go,
"I'm, I never want to do that again [Chris] Right. 
[Ian] Is that kind of the thing they were going for?
[Chris] Yeah, I mean the trauma especially like caused
to my parents through
them having to watch their son almost
die sometimes. And my dad found me on my
kitchen floor before.
Completely passed out like with vomit on
myself. There's just times when I
truly could have died and the trauma
that causes your parents
is irreparable in a way that the only
way I can try
to even attempt to fix that is by
continuing
every day to show them and to show
myself that I
am a better person who never wants to go
back to that horror I brought other people.
[Record scratch sound] So yes, I did make friends in rehab too.
[Ian] Wow, yeah!
[Chris] And they're some of the best friends of
my life. Because we all went through this
experience together of all having like
really dark
pasts and all finding our new light at
the same time
[Ian] Yeah I met some of them and it even
makes me think about people who
I think growing up, I didn't know a lot
of people who
were alcohol; like who had an, I guess
addiction and so I grew up and started
meeting some of these people. And I think
like the stigma is you think someone who
goes to rehab,
and these are your stereotypes, but like
people who look a certain way,
people who don't have the jobs, or but
like just this group of people
who I think was like sold to me, in my
mind, as people who go through rehab and
all of a sudden I was finding out that
addiction
hits everybody. We all have it in certain
ways and so when I met Chris and I had
met his friends I thought to myself like,
Wow like it changed my idea of
being able to see this just affects
everyone in a very specific way.
[Chris] It's very normal to me these days. I tell
people I went to rehab. Like I tell them
what I had for lunch that day.
To me, there is no longer [Ian] Yeah
[Chris] Any stigma around it because
I believe it's something that literally
everyone can benefit from.
Treatment, even if you have don't have an
addiction, because it just forces you to
look inside yourself.
Whether you had an addiction or whether
you've made some mistakes in life.
[Ian] This next question is from @bri.miller_ 
[Chris] bree?  [Ian] Or 'bree', @bri.miller_
*pop noise*
[Chris] Yes, because I think there's kind of this
idea in your head that after you go to
rehab things are perfect,
and your life is going to be gorgeous
and beautiful,
regardless of what you're doing, and I
think
then my addiction just showed up in
different ways:
of getting validation, or getting
attention from men,
or just kind of like still needing to
fill a void,
and it was then that I realized like,
"Oh I'm, I cannot continue
chasing something." Because if it's not
alcohol it will be something else, and
there was a
another breaking point outside of
addiction where I deleted all of my
social media for a minute.
And I was like, I'm just going to be with
myself right now. Because I'm constantly trying
to grab validation or attention from
other things
let me give that to myself. And that is
actually the same week
that I met Ian [TLB: okay, cute af] 
[Ian affectionately 'hmms']
[Chris] And I think it worked so
well that week because he was seeing me
at my most self, I even told him, "I'm
willing to be friends" but I'm not,
I'm trying to turn off that part of me that just
just wants male attention for male attention [Ian 'um-hmms' in approval]
[Chris] Because, I knew if I were to just give in and
maybe we were going to hook up
then that was probably going to be the
end of our story. [Ian] Yeah
[Chris] But I was being my full self, and just being
like, "I don't need the attention." And he
saw someone who is being their full self,
and I think that's why we connected so well.
[Ian] Yeah.
From @megdwilkerson
*pop noise*
[Chris] No. And I think it really has to do with, people drink everywhere and also he is the farthest
thing from an alcoholic, like 
[Ian facially expresses 'I hope so']
[Chris] I remember when we first started hanging out
and I would see him drink. He would
like drink a half of a drink and forget
about it. Which that action did not exist with me
I was always like chugging drinks and just like
downing them so right away that 
put meat a lot of ease
and I think it's kind of the job of the
addict to not want to control others
I'm never going to ask someone to not do
something
rather I will remove myself, if that's
something I am not comfortable with
because I'm in control of my own actions.
And I have given up control of things I
am not in control of. So,
it's not about other people it's about
what's happening within me
so it doesn't bother me when he drinks.
And I think that
honestly gives me a lot of peace because
I could be annoyed and be like, "No, I
don't want anyone drinking around me."
Or I could be like, "I'm gonna allow you
guys to do what you want" and if I feel
uncomfortable, I am in control 
of my own comfort and
let me put myself in a comfortable
position.
[Ian] We also had like very clear
communication when we were first dating.
I asked, "I was like how do you feel about
this?" If I wanted to make sure that I'm
sensitive to your experience. And so we
we handled that early on.
Yeah so, okay from
@celinetorres
*pop noise*
[Chris] It's my roommate, Harley, who started the
intervention in the first place.
And, God I mean my therapist of course. But I think
someone who I always go back to, is just
my roommate who like,
makes me kind of emotional to talk about,
but like saw me
in this really dark place. And knew
that there was still light in me to come out.
And, I am kind of forever grateful to her
for seeing that, and wanting to
just like help the the friend that she
first met and know that I'm still in
there. And she always says like she was
willing to lose our friendship
for me to find happiness [TLB: True Friendship Goals!!!]
[Chris] When I walked
out the door from the intervention, she
thought we were never going to speak
again because I was going to be so angry
at her and now she 
is the person who I maybe
think the most.
And also, of course, my family who have
been with me since I was born, day one.
*Ian chuckles*
[Chris] So my family, to have also just
 given me love, even when it was
tough love, which I think is
sometimes the most important love to
give is the love to say "I love you so
much"
and I know you are better than this that
I am going to step away.
So you can heal. I love you so much that
I know you are capable.
And my therapists also taught me that.
There's there's so many significant
people, and that is the point, I think is
that you
it is an impossible thing to do alone.
You will not pick yourself
out of your addiction or your dark place
alone.
You have to be able to ask for help, or
be able to realize
that the help that is being given to you,
maybe it doesn't seem like help
right now but someone distancing
themselves from you
is helping you. They are sending you a
message through their action that they
cannot be a part of your life
or you cannot be part of their life
until you better yourself.
And you may never be a part of their
life again,
but you can work to bring joy and
positivity and help others
to make a better impact in the world
than the one you may have left in the
past.
[Ian] Last question from @kylxm
*pop noise*
[Chris] Oh
[TLB: and I oop]
[Chris laughs] I don't think sometimes people
read what the prompt is.
[Ian] Yeah that's okay.
[Chris] So the WAP video 
[*Demonically possessed* Chris] has been dropped.
[♪♪♪ upbeat music ♪♪♪]
*beep*
[Chris] Guys, thank you for asking these
questions. [Ian] Yeah!
[Chris] And hearing me out. There's
[Ian] Thanks for sharing that with us and
the world.
[Chris] Yeah! There's a thousand 
more questions I could answer
and go into detail about
but this is really overarching.
[Ian 'uh-hmms' in agreement]
[Chris] I think the main messages are accept help,
know what you are in control of,
know what you're not in 
control of,
and know the difference of the two.
The time to change is today, and then you
can start looking at your past as
something you can grow from
rather than thinking that your present
is something that will never change.
You are in control of your own present.
*Chris sighs* yeah,
I love you guys and thank you for
hearing me and letting me tell
my story. There have been a lot of like
blood sweat and tears put into it. And I
know I tell that now kind of like
emotionless, "it's just a story." But like
all of the things I went through, were so
real and huge. And it's a blessing to now
be able to be on the other side of it
but the only thing that gets you on the
other side is going through those
terrible, life-altering, screaming
moments. I have survived every hardship
in my life up to this point 
So now I know any
hardship that presents itself in the
future, there's nothing I can't handle
[Ian] Here, here!
*iMessage delivery sound*
*iMessage delivery sound*
[Ian] Yes we do! 
[Chris] And remember to
[Both] focus on your blooming!
[TLB: PERIOD.]
[Chris] Love you!
[Ian] Bye!
[Closed Captions provided by TLB 
'The Learning Botanist']
[♪♪♪ background music continues ♪♪♪]
 
