If you'd like to see my makeup kit from 1999 I'll show you now, I think it's like one of those kit N caboodle things
This is going horribly. No more eyebrows for Crystal. They're so dark. Why are they so dark today!?
Mitre in the background: you look amazing!
There are probably girls who DO know how to do their makeup watching this going, "No girl. No."
I literally decided this morning that I was going to do this. We'll start with a disclaimer
I have no experience in makeup whatsoever. I do not know what I'm doing.
Do not take any tips or advice from this. This is purely for entertainment. Everything I know about makeup,
I've learned over the last 15 years of trial and error. It's quite obvious that I have no fucking idea what I'm doing
First I start off with primer. I have been told primer
Like makes stuff stick? Notice how I have literally no
technique whatsoever. I have this thing way up here. I don't know what it is...
So, I don't know. Maybe I'm dying
So it is
like nine o'clock on Sunday morning and I had no idea what kind of video I wanted to make this week.
I don't know what this is. It's a thing.
It's a color. And it's like smooth and it goes on- it could be foundation. I don't know.
I put this under my eyes- I have purple bags under my eyes, like, all the time. It's really good for my mental health
to only get a few hours of sleep at night. I just mash it into the top of my hair here because
because. why not.
I'm not sure if I'm supposed to do eye shadow next or if you do the contouring stuff next. I have no idea.
So we're just gonna go with eye shadow. I just follow the thing on the back...
It's like "do this for this look" and I'm like okay, color by number. I choose three colors is basically what I do.
I choose a light color, a middle color, and then I choose a dark color. I just kind of
Mash it onto my skin.
Just in the corners of my eyes and like in that little crevice of your eye socket.
I don't know what it's actually called. People normally compliment me on my makeup, but
Maybe they're not looking very hard.
First I used this one. So now I'm gonna go through it i'm gonna use this really really dark one
It's like super dark brown. And I'm gonna put it in the EXACT same spot that I put the lighter brown.
There are probably girls who DO know how to do their makeup watching this going "No girl... No."
Nobody ever taught me this shit.
I didn't have, like my mom's freaking awesome,
Don't get me wrong, but I didn't have a mom that like taught me how to put- that look so bad lol
She didn't like teach me how to put on makeup. I've had to learn all this stuff myself.
So I feel like I'm not great at it and i'm never GONNA be great at it. I'm just not good at this stuff
I'm gonna like I'm good at artsy stuff I think. And then I put this light color up here
I think I remember learning somewhere that you're supposed to like highlight your eyebrow or something??
And I'm using the same brush that I used to put it on, I'm using it to like
You know, spread it around a little bit. Then I just kind of do one of these.
Please don't judge me. I always take that light color too and I like put it underneath
Right here a little bit, like where the purple used to be. I just keep covering up the purple with things.
Worst makeup tutorial ever.
So here's the deal with my eyebrows-
I hope I can find a picture of myself when I was a kid. If I do, I'm gonna put it right here.
When I was a kid, my eyebrows were huge.
*mouths* HUGE.
And they were just directly across my face.
When I was a teenager, I would get made fun of for it. So when I finally figured out what tweezers were
I ripped the shit out of my eyebrows and now they
Are where they are lol I try to fix it the best way that I can- I even bought
One of these things! Which is like a tattoo pen type thing and it's got the prongies...
You can't even probably freaking see that. There's no way. Is this what these makeup girls do?It doesn't work for me like...
I take this weird little brush right here and I put it in my eyeshadow in the dark one, and then I just kind of
color them in
Look at the difference that made already.
I tried to grow my eyebrows back during quarantine. I discovered that they're NOT
going to grow back. It's not going to happen. No more eyebrows for Crystal. I have to
like
Do this
and use
FUCKING eye shadow. Now, I have an eyebrow. Look at it compared to the other one. That's ridiculous. So, I don't know if
there's a better way to do this. There probably is.
But I don't know anything about makeup and any kind of research I do on it
I'm like, yeah, I'm not gonna do that to my face. I don't have time. I'm lucky I'm even doing this right now
They're so dark. Why are they so dark today?!
That's not right LMAO
Then I have this cool little like doohickey so I can brush my eyebrows. It's like the hair is still there, but like
It's not great, dude
This is going horribly. Absolutely terrifying. Yeah.
Now I'm gonna do the whole
restructure my face thing. Couple dollar makeup, don't care- and I just like put it like right here. That's where it like
kind of frames my shit and then I just RUB the shit out of it. I have a daughter...
How am I supposed to teach her how to do this stuff when I don't even know...
how to do it...
I'm gonna say it again. I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't- I-
I don't know, just rub it in, smash it all around.
Now, I gotta even it out and put it on the other side. Doing this in a
different spot than I normally do, is making this really difficult. Really really difficult.
I hope you're enjoying this bad makeup tutorial so far- working really hard on it.
My face looks more THPBTT. like
Now now we gotta get the top up here. You can't forget about this part.
You can just mash it in again
It's what I
look what I just did my eyebrow
Okay, where was I
So where I go with my contour is like, if I do this, that's where I want the line- right here
I just did that for you and I'm gonna put it on the internet because...
Why not.
I don't know about you guys, but the goal of makeup for me is to not fucking look like myself anymore
Not that I don't like how I look like naturally. I think I look okay and i've been told multiple times
You have natural beauty
That's not something I want to get complimented on. I didn't have a choice in that
It doesn't tell me what kind of person I am. But if I can do my makeup really really well people will be like
"Omg, I love your makeup." And I'll be like "Thanks! I did this!"
Makeup can be fun. I'm just not very good at it I don't think
and I don't think that anyone should take advice from me because
I don't know what I'm doing. When I feel pretty I feel better. Next week, the video I'm doing
is going to be
a tribute to Jenna Marbles, which is
Oh, by the way, uh contour on the sides here *bam* *bam* little bit on the tip of your nose
You know, according to that one girl on vine
Men hate nostrils. So we have to get rid of the nostrils. I have no idea what I'm doing, please don't do what I do
So next week's video
If you tune in again- if you're not completely sick of me at this point- a tribute to Jenna Marbles because I love her.
She's my favorite youtuber of all time.
(Right now I'm doing what I think is the highlighter??) and this video is kind of like a play on her
drunk makeup tutorial- only I'm not drunk
It's more of me showing you guys that you can suck at something and you can absolutely fake it.
You can fake it and people think you're awesome at it.
and that's kind of what NEXT week ties into.
I think I have enough highlighter. This little color right here
I have no idea what this color is for. If those are supposed to be used for a particular something? If i'm supposed to use
All four colors?? I have no idea. This light one-
Matches my natural skin tone. It's so...
light? I'm like pasty, so I always put that
Just for an extra layer
the bags under my eyes just...
Cover those up a little more now.
Now we're gonna do eyeliner. I'm in my living room and I have no mirror and I'm just doing this in my phone. So...
We'll see how this goes lol and I don't think I can talk while i'm doing this...
Okay, so for my eyeliner, I always do wings but the problem is I have so much fucking skin right here there's like...
SO much skin right there. I don't know how this is gonna turn out because I'm doing this in my PHONE
And then I have to smile and go, "Oh, it's gonna get crooked." This is hard.
That's what she said *BAHA*
I feel like the light just got better in here, but I can't be sure.
Okay, so the wing isn't perfect but it looks pretty darn good. Let's go to this .
Oh, this one's gonna be a HARD.
Oh my god. Ah!
This is extremely difficult.
Mitre in the background: You look amazing!
Thank you! I don't know if I can do this... on this eye here...
I might have to take a break.
No, because I can't see it because it's way over there...
How do girls do this?! Oh my god, if this eye gets messed up because of the way I'm doing this.
*woo* Man.
I don't know if I said this eathier- Eathier?!
I use a lot of elf stuff just because it's cheaper. This is like two bucks, three now maybe. It's super cheap.
Okay, ready? *GASPS*
I can't just leave it there. Is this gonna make it worse or better? What do you think?
And that's what you do if you get eyeliner on your face.
So I got this wing done. I had to go into my bathroom to do it because I could not do it from this angle.
So now,
what I'm going to do is I'm going to use this- I don't really know what this does.
I think it makes everything go *THPBPT* and stick to your face.
so.
Then I just like stick it like this everywhere
*singing* I'm not sure WHERE it goes.
Hey, baby! (Mitre in the background "SUP gorgeous"
MMmmhmm.
He thinks I'm pretty...
(Mitre in background: "MOST days")
OOOHHH. Don't make me laugh AAGGGHHHH.
Everywhere there could have been makeup on my face, I put this on it because
I think
It makes the makeup stay longer, but I can't be sure about that
I just started using these-I don't think I use them right, and they're very dangerous.
SO THIS IS WHAT YOU DO- you do the thing and you put it on the thing and then you just
FUCKING squeeze
And stand here. I don't know like 10 seconds or something. Now, you gotta do the other one.
My phone had something pop up that the maximum file size has been reached and I was like
I don't know what that means- but i'm gonna start a new one. So we're back now
Okay
I don't think I put on mascara correctly. I don't. The way I see girls do it??
I'm like, it would never stick to my eyelashes. These are natural! Like THIS
I don't have ANY makeup on my eyelashes yet.
Other than what, you know, I smashed on there already today. Then I have to do this move. Are you ready?
And then I have to like twist
the brush- I think I got the yucks on me. MMMM
like that
Now I gotta do it to the other eye.
I GOTTA SQUIGGLE IT MAN. I don't underst-
Like doesn't even look like i'm wearing mascara when I just put it on normally- I have to like FUCKING layer it.
Ugh, Mascara. I do like it though.
Then I go back and I HIT IT AGAIN.
My eyelashes are already so
Thick and heavy. I know it's not something to complain about and I'm sorry for complaining about it
but they're already so huge and whatever- I mascara on them and then they DROP. Then I look like
Snuffleupagus' sister that just got out of rehab and I don't want that.
That is NOT what I want to be fucking associated with.
Okay, tat's basically it. That's how I do my makeup. It looks good on camera, I think. It might look good in person
I'm not really sure. What do those girls do?They're like-
They like make faces...
Do I do this? Is it this move?
I think it's that move. Maybe you got something from this. I just cracked my jaw from putting up my ponytail
That's how thick my hair is UUUUGGGggghhhhh
I like to complain about things that normal people would beg to have like really long thick hair or eyelashes
That just won't quit. If you were me you'd be sick of them, too.
It's like how girls with big boobs complain about having big boobs. They're heavy. They hurt your back
It's probably a pain in the ass for you guys. You probably knock shit over with them. I don't have that problem
I don't even have to wear a bra
If I don't want to. I don't know if I did anything right- notice how my face is a completely different color than my neck
Because I'm so white there's nothing I can do about it
If you'd like to see my makeup kit from 1999 I'll show you now. I think it's like one of those kit N caboodle things?
Come on. Nova. So here we got Nova
This is my doggo
I just put makeup on! She thinks she's a cat-
Anywho! I'm pretty sure I'm doing stuff that's really bad for my skin lol
And I just don't know it yet! So feel free to set me straight in the comments and give me some tips-
Thanks for taking the time out of your day to watch this horrific makeup tutorial
I hope you enjoyed it
And maybe you will see me next week if you decide that you would like to subscribe or maybe you're going to watch another video
That could be as well. Either way. I'm, sorry for wasting your time lol and
I will
Not see you later. But you will see me! I hope. Alright, Happy Wednesday. Okay byyyye.
