The other day, I must of woke up on the wrong
side of bed.
Everywhere I went, these little social distancing
rules were starting to get on my nerves.
I was in the city and had to go to Kmart or
BigW or one of those places and was met with
this – Arrows marked on the floor indicating
which way to enter and exit.
I honestly didn’t notice and I walked in
the wrong side.
To be fair to me, in Australia, we usually
stick to the left as we drive on the left.
Also, at that time of day, there was nobody
else exiting or entering, so I don’t think
it was such a big deal.
But there was a security guard standing just
inside the entrance who must of also woken
up on the wrong side of bed.
He piped up,
“Excuse me sir.
You just came in the wrong way.”
“Sorry?”
“You just came in the wrong way.
You need to make sure you follow the arrows
as directed.”
“Oh okay.
Do you want me to go back out and come back
in?”
“No, that’s okay.
Just make sure in the future to follow the
arrows.”
I could have just left it there, but as I
said, I woke up on the wrong side of bed.
So I asked the guard,
“What’s all this about anyway?”
“Sorry?”
“Why are there arrows on the floor?”
“Oh you know.
Just for coronavirus.”
“Oh okay.
Does all this stop coronavirus does it?”
“Um, I’m not sure.”
“I’m not sure”.
And that’s the point I want to make.
Nobody seems to know what this is all about.
People are just going along with all these
funny little rules not really knowing if they
help out or not.
I know the guard is just doing his job.
I know it’s not his job to know why they
have these rules, but will people walking
into Kmart one way and walking out another
way help reduce coronavirus?
Once you’re in the store, you can go wherever
you like.
There’s no arrows in the store telling people
where to go.
The only rule they keep blurting out over
the PA is to maintain a 1.5 metre distance
from other people.
But as I’ve always said, if you’re in
an enclosed environment like a shopping centre,
does maintaining a 1.5m distance really help?
I saw some research recently that said that
1.5m is much too low.
“Tiny coronavirus particles could travel
a lot further than 1.5 metres in the air,
study suggests”.
“Australian National University researchers
say particles 50 times smaller than hair can
travel several metres”.
“These invisible particles can remain in
the air for hours’.
Okay, so if the government really cared about
our health, then we should probably bump this
distance up to 5m.
Also, we should enforce the mandatory wearing
of full-body protective suits.
You might think I’m just exaggerating, but
some airlines such as AirAsia are making all
their cabin crew wear these sorts of suits.
They were actually designed by Los Angeles-based
Filipino fashion designer, Puey Quiñones.
Perhaps we’ll be seeing this pinnacle of
fashion hitting the streets of Melbourne or
Sydney some time soon.
By the way, what’s this guy doing?
Is it just me, or is this reminiscent of 1930s
Germany?
Hmm…
Actually, I went into the shopping centre
to investigate to find out what the hell they
meant.
On front of the centre management door was
this – “Please don’t shake hands.
Stop the spread of germs.
Wash, and wave”.
So obviously, this is meant to be somebody
waving, not somebody showing their support
for Nazi Germany.
Actually, when I was taking this picture,
I was approached by a security guard.
He said to me,
“Excuse me.
What are you doing?”
“I’m just taking a picture of this sign
here.”
“Why?”
“Ah, I’m just doing some research on social
distancing protocols.”
“Oh, okay.
That’s okay.
Just make sure that you don’t take any pictures
of people in the centre.”
“Yeah, no worries.”
Believe it or not, that wasn’t the last
time I was approached for taking photos.
I’ll talk about that soon.
I’m sure you’ve seen these kinds of markers
on the floors of shopping centres and the
like.
They’re there to help us with the complexities
of social distancing.
Basically what happens, people stand on these
dots when lining up to go into a shop.
See, these people are doing the right thing.
Here’s some more dots, and here’s some
more people doing the right thing.
Hang on!
What’s this guy doing?!
Not only is he not facing the right way, he’s
not social distancing!
Whatever you do, don’t be this guy.
I’m sure you’ve seen this kind of thing
too.
Benches marked with ticks and crosses indicating
where you can and can’t sit.
If you sit in the middle seat in Australia,
you’ll be arrested.
Here’s another sofa inside a shopping centre.
Zooming up on the sign here, “Your safety
is our priority.
These are priority seats for people with disabilities,
seniors, or pregnant women.
Should only be used for a temporary time”.
Oh, I’m glad they said that, because I was
planning to move in and sit there permanently.
Here’s another one.
This is where I almost got in trouble.
An overzealous cleaner approached me and said,
“Excuse me.
What are you doing?”
“I’m just taking a picture of this sofa.”
“You know this is private property, right?”
“Yes.”
“Why are you taking a picture of the sofa?”
“I’m doing some research on social distancing.”
“You know this is private property, right?”
“Should I not take a picture of the sofa?”
“Let me see the picture.”
I was not in the mood to argue, so I just
showed him the damn picture.
“Okay, that looks okay.
Just make sure not to take any pictures of
customers, yeah?”
“Yeah, the security guard told me just before”.
That was basically when I decided to leave
the shopping centre because a few minutes
later, I saw the cleaner talking with the
security guard and I could just tell they
were going to call the police.
Is this the Australia that we’ve become?
Taking a photo of a sofa is now seen as suspicious
activity.
Later on, I went to a different supermarket
to buy some vegetables and I heard them over
the PA talking about social distancing and
how a shopping trolley is approximately 1.5
metres long.
I went outside with the trolley to take this
picture, as I didn’t want to get harassed
by any more security guards or cleaners.
Yes, I was carrying a tape measure just for
this very purpose.
As you can see here, a shopping trolley for
that supermarket is approximately 95 cm in
length.
That’s well short of the 150 cm that the
supermarket were suggesting.
Yeah, yeah, I know what you’re saying.
You’re not going to be pushing a trolley
right up against somebody when you’re walking
and you’ll probably be holding it out at
least some distance in front of you.
But I’m just a stickler for numbers.
It would be like saying that the 93m tall
Statue of Liberty is approximately 150m tall.
It’s just not good science.
When I was walking home, I crossed a field
that had a no entry sign on it and a container
where I presume hand sanitiser would be placed.
I may be a stickler for numbers, but I’m
not a stickler for stupid rules, so I crossed
the field anyway.
Unless it was covered with land mines, I think
I was pretty safe.
Have you seen these signs at street crossings?
At the top there’s a sign from the Queensland
Government telling you to wash your hands,
but at the bottom, they’re telling you to
push the crossing button with your elbow.
Shouldn’t they be telling you to wash your
elbow?
I’m not joking, I tried pushing one of these
buttons with my elbow and cut myself.
They edges are quite sharp!
You gotta wonder – Is there more chance
of catching coronavirus by pressing the button
with your hand or by cutting your elbow?
Obviously, this is only a reenactment using
tomato sauce, as I didn’t think of taking
a photo at the time.
Normally when I walk into shopping centres,
I don’t let all these little social distancing
rules affect me, but the other day, I tell
you what, every one of them was pissing me
off.
I walked into Coles and the first sign that
I saw was this one – “Mugs”.
Are we mugs for following all these rules?
I don’t know.
Anyway, by far the most prominent rule, and
therefore the most important thing you can
do to prevent coronavirus is to: wash your
hands, wash your hands, wash your hands, wash
your hands, wash your hands, wash your hands,
wash your hands, wash your hands, wash your
hands, wash your hands, wash your hands, wash
your hands, wash your hands, wash your hands,
wash your hands, wash your hands, and wash
your hands.
Oh, you’re still here?
It turns out that if you wash your hands 100
times a day, you’ll become immune to coronavirus…
And that’s a fact!
Oops, I mispronounced that…
That’s f**ked!
