-All right!
What's going on, everybody?
Good to see you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
I know
what you all are thinking --
"DJ Khaled!"
[ Laughter ]
No, I'm just kidding.
"Another one!"
You guys are very...
accurately racist, actually.
[ Laughter ]
My name is Mohammed --
it's not Khaled.
I live in New York now.
I've had
like 20 Mohammed Uber drivers
in the last week alone.
[ Laughter ]
Every time I get a notification
that a Mohammed
is going to pick me up,
I always make a stupid face.
I'm like, "Hey, all right.
My man, all right!"
[ Laughter ]
And then,
I start imagining that,
when he gets the notification
that he's picking up Mohammed,
he's making the same stupid face
as I am at the same exact time.
"He's like, all right, Mohammed!
Salaam alaikum, brother!
I'm coming to get you!"
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
I am
a Palestinian-American Muslim,
came here as a refugee.
Yay! Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Chuckles ]
It's a tough time to be Mohammed
right now.
Uh.
[ Laughter ]
I traveled the world
without a passport for --
It took me 20 years
to get my citizenship.
I would get interrogated
everywhere.
Japan, by far,
my favorite interrogation --
it was just an hour
of them trying to figure out
what I did for a living.
[ Light laughter ]
The entire hour consisted of,
"So, what is your occupation?"
I was like,
"Oh, I'm a comedian."
"Comedian?"
[ Laughter ]
"Yeah, I do stand-up comedy."
"Stand-up comedy?"
[ Laughter ]
"Yeah, man, I do comedy."
"Comedy?"
"Yeah, I'm a stand-up comedian."
"Stand-up comedian?"
[ Laughter ]
"Am I being roasted right now?
What's happening?"
[ Laughter and applause ]
Finally, his friend walks in.
His friend walks in.
He's like, "...comedian."
He goes, "Oh, yeah, comedian.
He's like a Bill Cosby!"
[ Laughter ]
And that's what got me off
was Bill Cosby.
[ Laughter ]
I mean, not literally,
but figuratively --
that's what...
[ Laughter and applause ]
What? What'd I say? What?
[ Applause ]
[ Chuckles ]
London was always exciting.
I get there, and they're like,
[British accent] "Oh!
Oh, hello, Mohammed, hello.
We need your thumbprint.
Yeah, your thumbprint."
[ Laughter ]
Eventually, I get through.
I was performing in London.
This guy in the front row --
I look at him.
I was like, "Excuse me sir.
What part of England
are you from?"
He loses his mind.
He was like, "I'm not British --
I'm Australian!
Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!"
[ Laughter ]
And all these Australians
popped up like little minions,
like, "Oi, oi, oi, oi,
oi, oi, oi!"
[ Laughter ]
I was like, "Oh, hey.
Hold up. Hold up.
Hold up, please."
[ Laughter and applause ]
I didn't realize
it was so offensive...
to mistake an Australian
for being British.
[ Laughter ]
I just looked at him.
I was like, "My God, man,
the British flag
is inside of your flag!"
[ Laughter ]
"It's in
the top-left-hand corner,
FaceTiming your flag."
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Applause continues ]
They asked me to do shows
for U.S. troops.
I thought
it was a setup immediately.
[ Laughter ]
I was -- was like,
"Who is this?!"
[ Chuckles ]
They're like, "No, we want you
to go to Kuwait and Iraq."
I'm like, "That's where
my family fled from!"
[ Laughter ]
"You want me to go back
into a war zone voluntarily --
I'll do it."
Yeah.
You don't know
where you're going.
And we were in Northern Iraq.
We're about to walk off
the base --
me and the two other comedians.
And the sergeant looks at us
and goes, "Hey, fellas,
uh, make sure
to remove your nametags,
cause I don't want you guys
getting kidnapped."
I was like, "Kidnapped?
We can get kidnapped?"
I started to freak out.
And then I remembered
I'm in Kuwait and Iraq
and I look like
everybody else there, you know?
[ Laughter ]
If anybody's
gonna get kidnapped,
it's probably these
two very white comedians
I'm working with.
[ Laughter ]
Some terrorists
were to hop out of a van like,
"Hey! Hey, it's a kidnapping!
Get in the van now!"
I'd be like, "Habibi..."
[ Laughter ]
[ Speaking foreign language ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
"I'm sorry, guys."
[ Chuckles ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
♪♪♪♪
[ Cheers and applause continue ]
-Thank you so much for coming.
-[ Speaking indistinctly ]
♪♪♪♪
-Mo Amer! Mo Amer!
[ Cheers and applause continue ]
Check out his comedy special
"The Vagabond" on Netflix.
