- 35 was the magical age.
I was like, when I'm really old,
when I'm 35 and like a total grownup,
I'm sure I'll figure this out,
and then I turned 35 and guess what?
Like I woke up on my 35th
birthday and was like.
(pops finger in mouth)
(upbeat music)
I am Amanda Palmer,
sometimes known as Amanda Fucking Palmar
and I am going to help you
get to know my insights.
(upbeat music)
I am on a world tour right now.
It's four hour solo piano stage show
and a lot of the show is taken
up talking about abortion.
But I talk a lot about how
hard it is to write music,
about something like abortion,
not just because it's such a taboo topic
but because it's such an awkward topic.
I had my first abortion
when I was 17 years old,
and I spent like a good chunk
of my 20s really, really
trying to write a song
that would do it justice.
When my band, The Dresden Dolls,
put out our second record,
I kind of tried to write a song about it,
but I didn't quite get it right and it was
like dripping with irony and sarcasm,
and then finally last year with all
that was happening in America
with reproductive rights being taken away
and away and away and away,
never illegalized, just like
if you're poor you can't get an abortion
'cause you just can't access one.
We're just gonna make sure
that you can't actually drive to a clinic,
and I was in Ireland in Dublin right
when the referendum vote happened.
Like I had a show there by accident.
I landed there the day of the vote
and I wound up hanging out
with all of these activists
and woman who had fought for decades
to just even get this
legislation in front of people
and I went home about a
week later and I finally,
I finally found the song and I went out
to my whole fan base.
I wrote a post on my blog
and I said if you could say
anything to a person who was
going to get an abortion tomorrow,
what would you tell them?
And it's not like I cut
and pasted those comments
into a song literally,
but I read all of that,
I went into the studio, I
tried to carry it into a song
and I finally, finally
think I got it right,
not that you ever can with art.
(upbeat music)
So one of the other things I talk about
in my show is, as an artist,
as a person, just like the crazy
ambivalence then you
can feel about whether
or not to have kids, and especially
when you're a professional
and you're in your 20s
and all of a sudden,
like me, at 27, picked up by a major label
and massive success and world tours
and this and that and the other thing,
and like, 35 was the magical age.
I was like, when I'm really old,
when I'm 35, and like a total grown up,
I'm sure I'll figure this out,
and then I turned 35 and guess what?
Like I woke up on my 35th
birthday and was like.
(pops finger in mouth)
Like I just did not fucking know.
I had friends who were
like desperately trying
to get pregnant IVF with
or without partners.
They were just like must have babies
and then there were the
friends who were like,
no way, no kids, very
nice for other people
but I am so not fucking interested,
and I just was like I'm in this
weird middle gray vague area
where I don't even know what I think.
I would call up a friend
who just had just children
and they would be like Amanda,
do you understand how much
work it is to have a child?
It's really hard.
And I felt like okay,
you're probably right.
And if like you're not sure
you want to have a kid, don't have a kid.
On the other hand, children
are really wonderful creative
imaginative little beings, they will bring
all this magic into your life,
so if you do it, you will never regret it,
and I was like, fuck you,
that's not an answer.
I need an answer.
And that, the more and
more I talked to people,
the more disoriented I got.
One day I decided, fuck,
I'm 38, I have like done
all the rock 'n roll,
all of the drugs, had all of the sex,
gone to all of the places,
but there is this one
thing I haven't done.
So I had a kid, and it's
actually been pretty awesome.
Not what I was expecting,
but you know what?
I was really careful
not to expect anything,
so I haven't been disappointed.
And if you want to talk about it,
just come find me on, just come,
well, I was gonna say find me on Twitter
but fuck Twitter lately.
I'm thinking of leaving Twitter.
Just find me.
I'll talk to you.
(upbeat music)
One of the things that's
making it really hard
to be on the Internet nowadays
is that everything's so extreme
and so binary and so many people I know,
even just like in the
last couple of months are
like, I can't anymore.
It's just too hot in there.
People are yelling too loudly.
There's just too much anger and even,
even from the places that are supposed
to be the most compassionate
and the most pure of heart
and the most woke and the most wonderful,
like it's just all too
punishing and I just feel
like I can't say the
right thing, so I'm out.
And this is one of the things
that's killing us right now.
And one of the things that
I have been discussing a lot while I tour
and talking about it on stage is the idea
of totally radical compassion,
and that means even in the moment
when you really strongly
disagree with someone,
especially if they're in your group
and they're in your little bubble,
you have to approach
every last motherfucker
with a massive dose of compassion,
knowing that they are just as human as you
and just as afraid with traumas
and past and history that
you have no clue about.
Pointing the finger at people
and punishing them for being messy
or getting it wrong is dragging us down.
And it's frightening
especially right now because
it is really in vogue to cancel people,
and while there are
definitely terrible people
that have done terrible things who need
to be put into perspective
and often put into jail,
the instinct to immediately cancel out
and block and ignore good people
with slightly differing opinions
because we are so the same
and you and your friend are
both having an avocado toast but
that one is more vegan,
so fuck you is not getting us anywhere.
It's just drowning everyone in a
sort of a hellfire of petty differences.
Why are we being so selective about
who gets taken care of and who doesn't?
Why can't we just agree that
like everyone deserves to be taken care of
and that we are actually able,
if we work together, to
take care of everyone?
As you find yourself like in these moments
of global catastrophe,
don't forget to save
some of your activism and your compassion
and your generosity and your empathy
for the difficult people
standing right beside you,
because they need it sometimes
more than the strangers
to whom it is easy to give that shit.
(upbeat music)
One of the things
that is really hard to grapple
with when you're an artist
and things feel like they are collapsing
which they sort of do right now,
like, I mean right now it just feels
like everyone is freaking out about
the immediate state of things.
Politics, climate crisis.
It can feel like making art is vain
or a luxury or surplus to requirements,
because there are real people
out there doing real things
like making computers and medicine
and shoes and bridges and toilets
and architecture and rebuilding houses
and doing real shit that
people really need right now,
fighting fires, and you're
standing there going like,
what right do I have to
actually make a painting
or dance a dance or write a song
or make a film when there's
so much critically important shit
that really has to be done right now?
The hardest thing about being
in an artist confronting
that moment is knowing that
you have to live in a paradox
of faith, that while all
of that is happening,
it is still really important for the world
to have artistic expression
and creativity and stories
and an expression and a
refraction of the mess
that is happening back to
us, for us, for ourselves.
I tweeted this thing a couple days ago,
because Lizzo was touring
in Australia and I was like,
yes, like, I know the fires are raging
but this is exactly what
Australia fucking needs right now
it's like this kind of energy,
this kind of like bold
unapologetic beautiful love force
of music to come to the country and be
like let's be together and dance
together and sing together,
and I couldn't believe it when
I got shit back about saying
that from people saying
like you're really gonna say that
when there are important
things to focus on
and you should just be
talking about how you can help
and I was just like, you
guys are missing the point.
Art is an essential part of who we are,
and after 20 years of
touring and going like,
why should I be allowed
to do this when these
people have real jobs
and are making real things?
All you need to do is hang out
after your shows with those
people coming up to you saying,
like, hey, I'm the person
who makes the computers.
Hey, I'm the person who
designs the bridges.
I didn't kill myself last
week because of your music,
so I can still make bridges, thanks.
Please keep making music,
so that I can still make bridges,
and then you realize that the
world really is an ecosystem
and if you're called to make art
and you know that that's your passion
and you know that that's your talent
and you know that that's your skill set,
don't be afraid of it.
You still have so much to contribute.
We can't just have bridges
or just firefighters or just computers.
We need everything to survive
and hold each other up.
So as dark as things
get, do not forget that.
I am Amanda Palmer and I fucking love you.
Fuck. (laughs)
(upbeat music)
