In the spirit of giving, I’ve decided to
focus my considerable musical prowess on the
task of curating a truly abysmal Christmas
playlist for you all. This is something I’ve
been a fan of doing for a while - finding
those hidden gems: an ill-advised and usually
forgotten Christmas cash-in by a famous musicians
or bands. And - because I couldn’t resist
- I’ve also thrown in a few very famous
ones that just get my goat.
Now I originally wanted to make a video based
on compositional technique - where I’d try
to identify the sorts of musical elements
that typify a classic Christmas song. But
I just got nowhere with it because - the answer
can be summarised in one sentence. Just add
sleigh bells and say the
word Christmas. Do that, and it doesn’t
matter what style your music is in - you’re
there. Even if you're Helmut Lachenmann.
 
And since we’re engaging with the lowest
common denominator here - let’s do this in
the style of a WatchMojo video.
 
It’s the most wonderful time of the year!
You’re watching Tantacrul and now it’s
time for the top ten most abysmal Christmas
songs by musicians who should probably have know better. Listen now and let a Christmas
chill creep into your bones.
At number ten, it’s Beck, who, right around
the time he released the excellent Odelay
in 1996, also decided to churn out this insultingly
lazy version of The Little Drummer Boy.
Now, there shouldn’t really be any debate
about this… especially now that a consensus
has been reached by 97% of the world’s scientists:
Little Drummer Boy is the Worst traditional
Christmas Song - and the only reason people
cover it is to annoy other people.
And now from someone who should know better
to someone who’s never been better than
anyone. It’s Bon Jovi with a miserable cover
of ‘Back Door Santa’
Now nothing says processed cheese like the
combination of Bon Jovi’s voice, a torturously
overused blues riff and that nasty 80’s
guitar sound.
I really think this song should be incorporated
into the Turing test because any listener
who claims to enjoy it is definitely a machine!
And in a similar vein… here’s number 08...
“Oh Come All Ye Faithful”
Oh, look... it’s Twisted Sister doing ‘Oh
Come All Ye Faithful’...
Man… fashions have changed. I don’t think
this really needs much commentary. It’s
just one of those things you have to accept.
It also feels decidedly off in some way - the
idea seems to be that this lady is upset because
- I mean - wouldn’t you be if Twisted Sister
showed up in your living room? And then - of
course, she begins to get into it. There’s
a shot that I’d prefer not to spend too
much time interpreting - and then - oh look
- she’s dancing around with the rest of
them. How transgressive. That’s it, I’m
going to draw a dirty word on my maths book.
OK, this next one’s amazing… and I’m
cheating a bit here because it’s also pretty
famous. Now if you don’t know it - which
for those on the European side is much more
likely - I’d prefer to avoid giving you
any context because I really think it’s
best experienced that way. Just know that
it’s called ‘Christmas Shoes’ by a band
called NewSong.
Now you might be asking yourself… why, what..
Is that Rob Lowe?
Is this a movie… or an SNL skit or something?
And the answer is - just let it be. Let Christmas
Shoes be Christmas Shoes. Accept it into your
heart and then go see a doctor because your
heart now has cancer.
And can I direct your attention to this creepy,
creepy line
‘I want her to look beautiful - if Momma
meets Jesus tonight’
‘I want her to look beautiful - if Momma
meets Jesus tonight’. That’s either really
bleak - or really sacrilegious and sleazy.
Yeah - can I get a pair of latex gloves too?
My Dad’s heading out to meet Mary Magdalene
later.
OK, I’m beginning to lose the WatchMojo
feel here.
At number 6, it’s Ghostface Killah with
his song… Xmas. A mesmerising clash between
substance and style.
There’s really not much to say. It’s just…
so sentimental, yet so forceful...
I just have one question Ghostface Killah…
who’s your audience for this?
Now I’m sorry that the USA has dominated
this list so far. The UK obviously has some
awful ones too and here’s an example. It’s
a duo called the ‘Cheeky Girls’
Now the Cheeky girls came to national attention
after a fairly ugly episode on the UK’s
version of the Popstars franchise. And then
for their second audition, fellow countryman,
Louis Walsh asked this respectful question:
And off the back of this unpleasantness, as
per the standard Pop Idol strategy, they released
a Christmas single - where the producer seems
to have taken the unusual step of making the
backing singers louder than the actual cheeky
girls themselves.
The whole thing is just a miserable fable
from the early 2000’s.
OK, we’re really edging into the thorns
here. Did you realise that, not only is there
a Star Wars Christmas special TV show, but
also a Star Wars Christmas album released
in 1980? And from it, there’s only one song
I’d consider taking for number 4. It’s
‘R2D2, We Wish You a Merry Christmas’.
Now, this is a very special Christmas moment
- not only because the actor Anthony Daniels
reprises his role as C3PO. And not only because
the famed sound designer, Benn Burtt provided
the voice for R2D2…
The real treat is the identity of that singer.
Wwho is he? Who owns that sweet, generic,
plastic cheese voice? Hold on… plastic cheese…
it can’t be… it is! It’s Bon Jovi again!
A 20 year old Bon Jovi, struggling to get
his big break back when he was called ‘John
Francis Bongiovi, Jr.’ He just can’t leave
Christmas alone!
OK, number three. I’m sorry. I’m really
sorry. This was a terrible idea. Did you know
that Bob Dylan has a Christmas album? Yet
another one of his baffling artistic choices
over the last 20 years. Although... as bad
as it is, it will never be as bad as… scratch
that, nothing will ever be as bad as his movie
‘Masked and Anonymous’.
But back to the album, the song I’m choosing
is his cover of ‘Must be Santa’ by Hal
Moore and Bill Fredericks.
I mean… man… you almost have to feel for
poor old Bob as he martials his wretched vocal
chords one more time, to produce a few asphyxiated
festive gasps.
Now I’m not a raging fan of Bob Dylan, but
I do like some of his music. But this next
one is a different story… because now we’re
dealing with someone who’s written a few
albums that I actually love.
Bing Crosby… yeah right, I’m talking about
David Bowie.
“Hello”
Oh guys, you’re off to a bad start. Just
bin that script and walk away.
“Do you like modern music”.
“Oh yeah, some of it’s marvelous… really
quite fine”
I wonder if Bing likes Helmut Lachenmann?
So they warble on a little bit longer. Bing
asks what christmas is like at the Bowie household.
‘Presents… tree… Agents sliding down
the chimney’
What?
I was just checking to see if you were paying
attention.
Huhho!
I was just checking to see if you were paying
attention.
Huhho!
And then of course then they they… get started…
Oh nooo. It’s this again… the worst one…
But David can’t just sing it normally…
he has to add an extra layer of horrible…
And there’s some really dodgy parts too…
like what’s going on here?
You guys probably should have gone over that
bit maybe a few more times?
Anyway… it’s time for number one. And
it’s not number one because it’s the worst.
It’s number one because… I just can’t
believe it exists.
It’s Smashing Pumpkins with ‘Christmas
Time’. And I want to give a very special
shoutout to whoever it was who put together
this inspired artwork!
Now… it turns out that this might not be
the last we hear of Billy Corgan being festive
because just over a month ago, in an interview
with USA today, he floated the idea of recording
an entire Christmas album. Surprising, considering
his belief that God is empty... just like
him.
Can you imagine that? A full Christmas album?
Billy! OK… Billy? Why do you want to do
this? It’s almost as if you have a fickle
fascination with an everlasting god. OK, I’ll
tell you what… I’ll buy it - but only
on two conditions - 1: that you hire the person
who designed this to make the album artwork.
And 2: that Bon Jovi gets to be on it.
And with that I’m done. Did you agree with
my list? What do YOU think should have made
the cut. For more top ten lists published
everyday make sure to subscribe and ring the
bell… even though that’s not true. I’m
never doing this again…
Unless… Billy...the ball’s in your court.
