JOSH HOROWITZ: Alright guys,
thanks for being here.
I feel like this is
an important first step,
acknowledging you have a problem,
that’s really where it all begins.
Who’s gonna begin?
QUICKSILVER: Uh-uh.
CYCLOPS: Yeah, I’ll go.
My name’s Scott,
and I’ll just say it:
being in X-Men sucks.
ALL: Hi Scott.
CYCLOPS: Hey.
JOSH: Anybody here sympathize with
what Scott’s talking about?
QUICKSILVER: Yeah,
I mean I hear you, man.
Been around a little bit
longer than you,
but these head games
that Professor X
plays still really bother me.
JOSH: Head games, you mean he’s pitting
you guys against each other?
QUICKSILVER: No no no,
like he’s literally getting inside my head
and, like, #*¢%ing around.
CYCLOPS: Yeah, you know,
I’ll be dreaming about Jean
and then all of a sudden
there’s a clown
with his face,
just tickling me.
JOSH: You’re talking about—
it’s a dream, though,
he’s not actually
in your room doing that.
CYCLOPS: Well yeah, both.
JOSH: Oh my god.
STORM: Yes, he’s not a good
parental figure.
JUBILEE: Says the girl
who looks up to a guy named Apocalypse?
QUICKSILVER: Wait, can we talk
about parental figures?
Because my dad is a total
#*¢%ing ass#*\@.
JUBILEE: Well have you seen his helmet?
I mean he’s clearly
compensating for something.
QUICKSILVER: Okay, I can rip on my dad
because he’s my dad.
Not you, you can’t rip on my dad.
JOSH: Oh, that’s fine,
that’s good, that’s good progress.
QUICKSILVER: It’s not fine.
JOSH: All due respect,
Jubilee’s got perspective on this, too.
JUBILEE: Yeah.
JOSH: So let’s just respect that.
STORM: It’s valid.
JUBILEE: Thank you.
JOSH: Okay,
maybe stop staring at her
because that’s probably
off-putting for her.
You guys good?
QUICKSILVER: We’re good.
JUBILEE: Fine.
QUICKSILVER: We’re good here.
JOSH: Okay, moving on—
JUBILEE: Stop looking at me.
JOSH: Storm, you had something
to say I feel like, right?
STORM: Why is Mystique
naked all the time?
Like, it’s a school,
there are children around.
Put on some clothes!
I see your vagina!
QUICKSILVER: You couldn’t even tell,
with all those scales.
JUBILEE: So you’re gross,
just to point that out there.
And I would like
to speak about our name:
I don’t like it.
JOSH: How’s that—
STORM: Yes, why is it X-Men?
Why can’t it be X-People?
QUICKSILVER: It just sounds better,
X-Men.
CYCLOPS: You guys want to talk
about hair for a second?
QUICKSILVER: What about my hair?
JUBILEE: It’s— all different kinds—
CYCLOPS: No, Beast, Guys, it’s Beast.
He’s gotta go.
I mean did you see what he did
to the shower drain last week?
QUICKSILVER: [retches]
CYCLOPS: All the blue fur?
JUBILEE: It was nasty.
STORM: It was bad.
QUICKSILVER: Yeah that was bad.
STORM: Honestly, I’m more bothered
by you and your girlfriend, though.
QUICKSILVER: Oh my god,
you guys are making everyone sick.
I saw what you were doing
in the Danger Room the other day,
the floating 69 you guys were doing.
CYCLOPS: Don’t you bring Jean into this.
You know that’s not the problem
and you know that we were using protection.
QUICKSILVER: I don’t see
any potential issues with Jean.
Pfft, right?
STORM: [laughs]
CYCLOPS: Okay, give it a rest
Anderson Cooper.
QUICKSILVER: Oh that’s cute,
the hair, I get it, yeah.
You know, just because
you’re wearing shades
doesn’t make you cool.
STORM: Ooo!
CYCLOPS: Okay Captain Goggles, well
just because your name’s Quicksilver
doesn’t make you an Avenger.
STORM: Oh!
QUICKSILVER: You know,
legally I’m not able to respond to that.
JOSH: Okay, okay,
that’s great, that’s great.
Hey, no, I think emotion
is good in this situation.
We made some progress, right?
Everybody feel good?
QUICKSILVER: Oh I feel great.
CYCLOPS: I feel a lot better.
JOSH: That’s awesome, man, congrats.
CYCLOPS: Oh, my glasses—
QUICKSILVER: AHH $#!+!
ALL: [screaming in agony]
