AND I HOPE THAT DOESN'T UPSET
DONALD TRUMP, BECAUSE HE'S A BIT
OF A HOTHEAD, LOOSE CANNON,
POWDER KEG, DUMP TRUCK.
WHICH IS WHY IT'S IMPORTANT FOR
HIM TO BE COUNSELED BY PEOPLE
WHO ARE EVEN-KEELED.
BUT, UNFORTUNATELY, HE'S TALKING
TO SOME JERK NAMED ALEX JONES,
THE FAR-RIGHT CONSPIRACY
THEORIST WHO IS APPARENTLY
TAKING ON A NEW ROLE AS
OCCASIONAL INFORMATION SOURCE
AND VALIDATOR FOR THE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES, WITH WHOM
HE SOMETIMES SPEAKS ON THE
PHONE.
OKAY, AN INFORMATION SOURCE,
VALIDATOR SPEAKS ON THE
PHONELET.
OKAY, GOOD TO HAVE A VARIETY OF
VOICES IN A TIME OF CRISIS.
LET'S SEE WHAT THIS GUY'S LIKE.
>> I'M ANIMATED!
I'M ALIVE!
MY HEART'S BIG!
IT'S GOT HOT BLOOD GOIN'
THROUGH IT FAST!
I LIKE TO FIGHT, TOO!
I LIKE TO EAT!
I LIKE TO HAVE CHILDREN!
I'M HERE!
I'VE GOT A LIFE FORCE!
THIS IS A HUMAN!
THIS IS WHAT WE LOOK LIKE!
THIS IS WHAT WE ACT LIKE!
THITHIS IS WHAT EVERYBODY WAS LI
BEFORE US.
THIS IS WHAT I AM!
>> Stephen: "THIS IS WHY YOU
DON'T MIX STEROIDS WITH PEYOTE!"
THIS IS WHY!
THIS IS IT!
NOW, I DON'T.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN
THIS, BUT JUST WATCHING THAT
CLIP, HE SOMEHOW GOT SPITTLE ON
ME.
SO ALEX JONES HAS INFLUENCE IN
THE WHITE HOUSE.
TRUMP HAS EVEN SENT IN MESSAGES
TO ALEX JONES' SHOW,
CONGRATULATING HIM ON HIS GREAT
REPUTATION.
NOW, IF YOU'VE BEEN LIVING
UNDERGROUND FOR THE LAST FEW
YEARS, YOU PROBABLY LISTEN TO
ALEX JONES.
BUT FOR THE REST OF YOU, HE RUNS
A CONSPIRACY WEBSITE CALLED
INFOWARS.
THE NAME'S EASY TO REMEMBER:
JUST IMAGINE "INFO," AND THEN
IMAGINE SOMEONE AT WAR WITH IT.
AND DONALD TRUMP'S PHONE BUDDY
HAS GAINED A REPUTATION FOR
TELLING IT LIKE IT ISN'T, LIKE
THIS EXPLANATION AS TO WHY MEN
ARE GAY.
>> THE REASON THERE'S SO MANY
GAY PEOPLE NOW IS BECAUSE IT'S A
CHEMICAL WARFARE OPERATION!
HERE'S THE INSIDE OF THIS JUICE
BOX, AND IF THEY ZOOM IN ANY
MORE, SEE THAT THIN PLASTIC?
IT'S GOT IT.
AFTER YOU'RE DONE DRINKING YOUR
LITTLE JUICES, WELL, I MEAN,
YOU'RE READY TO GO OUT AND HAVE
A BABY.
YOU'RE READY TO PUT MAKEUP ON.
YOU'RE READY TO WEAR A SHORT
SKIRT.
>> Stephen: YES, JUICE BOXES
MAKE MEN INTO WOMEN!
( LAUGHTER )
A COUPLE OF SIPS, AND SUDDENLY
YOUR CAPRI-SUN IS YOUR
CAPRI-DAUGHTER!
( LAUGHTER )
"IT'S HAPPENING."
"THIS IS REAL!"
( APPLAUSE )
NOW, OBVIOUSLY, IT'S NOT FAIR TO
JUDGE A GUY ON ONE ISOLATED
DUMB-ASS CLIP, SO HERE'S A BUNCH
OF THEM.
>> ALEX IS ANTIGAY
HE'S SAYING THAT CHEMICALS ARE
MAKING PEOPLE GAY.
FOLKS, IT'S MAKING THE
FROGS GAY.
TWO-THIRDS OF THE FROGS DOWN IN
HOUSTON ARE BI-SEXUAL!
EVERY MAJOR WESTERN COUNTRY
HEAVILY INVOLVED IN 9/11.
IT TOOK ME ABOUT A YEAR WITH
SANDY HOOK TO COME TO GRIPS
WITH THE FACT THAT THE WHOLE
THING'S FAKE.
THE ATTACKS IN ORLANDO WERE A
FALSE-FLAG TERROR ATTACK.
SOMETIMES I HEAR MY SHOW, AND IT
SOUNDS LIKE THE MOST POWERFUL
TALK RADIO I'VE EVER HEARD.
OTHER TIMES, IT SOUNDS LIKE A
MONKEY DOING YOU KNOW WHAT WITH
A FOOTBALL.
>> Stephen: TO RECAP-- ONE OF
THE COUNCILOR'S TO THE PRESIDENT
KNOWS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE WHEN A
MONKEY (BLEEP) A FOOTBALL.
BUT ALEX JONES IS NOT CONTENT
WITH TALKING TO THE LEADER OF
THE FREE WORLD.
HE'S ALSO HOPING "INFOWARS" WILL
QUALIFY FOR A WHITE HOUSE PRESS
CREDENTIAL.
SO, TO THOSE OF YOU WORKING IN
THE WHITE HOUSE PRESS POOL,
YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO GET SOME
EAR PLUGS AND A PONCHO.
SO WHAT ELSE IS HAPPENING?
OH, OVER THE WEEKEND, THE
PRESIDENT CALLED THE MEDIA "THE
ENEMY OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE."
OKAY.
( OF.
>> Audience: BOO!
SO YOU'RE OFF THE HOOK,
UNLIMITED BREADSTICKS.
THAT UPSET-- THEY'RE DELICIOUS.
NOW, THAT UPSET A LOT OF MEDIA.
IN RESPONSE, "THE WASHINGTON
POST" ADDED A SUBHEADER TO ITS
FRONT PAGE THAT SAYS,
"DEMOCRACY DIES IN DARKNESS."
SO, "THE WASHINGTON POST" HAS
OFFICIALLY ENTERED ITS GOTH
PHASE.
( APPLAUSE )
IT'S A STRONG MESSAGE THAT
THEY'RE GOING TO HOLD TRUMP
ACCOUNTABLE, A MESSAGE HE WILL
RECEIVE THE MINUTE "FOX &
FRIENDS" REPORTS ON IT.
( LAUGHTER )
BY THE WAY, "DEMOCRACY DIES IN
DARKNESS" BEAT OUT THEIR OTHER
TOP CHOICES:
"NO YOU SHUT UP!"
"COME AT ME, BRO."
"WE'RE GOING BALLS OUT!"
AND "WE TOOK DOWN NIXON.
WHO WANTS NEXT?"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
