- MR. COOK, YOU'RE ALMOST UP.
ARE YOU READY?
- GOOD. I'M GOOD.
- OKAY.
REALLY GONNA NEED YOU TO STICK
TO THE SCRIPT ON THIS ONE.
- I'M THE CEO OF APPLE,
WILLIS.
I'M NOT GONNA
DO ANYTHING STUPID.
PLEASE STOP COMPARING ME
TO STEVE JOBS.
- NO, BUT NOBODY'S COMPARING YOU
TO STEVE JOBS, OKAY?
WE JUST WANT YOU
TO FOCUS ON THE PRODUCTS
AND PLEASE STICK
TO THE SCRIPT.
OKAY, YOU'RE ON IN THREE--
- THEY'RE GONNA FORGET THEY EVER
HEARD THE NAME STEVE JOBS.
WHAT UP, APPLE PEOPLE?
[cheers and applause]
YEAH!
YEAH!
WELL, NOW THE FIRST THING
THAT I'M GONNA DO
IS T.O.T.S.
THROW OUT THE SCRIPT.
[cheers and applause]
NOW, I'M SUPPOSED TO COME OUT
HERE AND TELL YOU ABOUT SOME
BULL[bleep] NEW IPHONE, PAD,
POD, DICK, PUSSY [bleep]!
YOU'VE SEEN IT!
[stammering] BORING!
[clattering]
[applause]
YES!
THAT'S EXACTLY IT.
NOW, LET'S JUST SAY
THIS TABLE RIGHT HERE--
LET'S SAY IT'S BILL GATES, HUH?
[shouts]
[audience cheers]
YEAH!
[yelping]
[laughs]
THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!
AND LET'S SAY THAT THIS
IS OUR COMPETITOR'S
NEW SMARTPHONE.
[audience boos]
HOW ABOUT THAT?
HUH? WHAT?
[laughs]
[robot voice]
I AM A MAJOR DONKEY DICK.
WHOO! RIGHT?
AND LET'S SAY
THAT THIS RIGHT HERE...
- HEY!
- THIS IS ONE
OF OUR COMPETITOR'S
NEW E-BOOK READER, HUH?
WHAT ABOUT THAT?
WHAT? UH-OH.
TUT-TUT.
WOOK'S WIKE WAIN!
HAAAA!
[cheers and applause]
WHOO! WHOO!
YEAH!
ALL RIGHT!
YES!
WHO WANTS TO SEE SOME OF THAT
CLASSIFIED NEXT-LEVEL [bleep]?
HUH?
DID STEVE EVER SHOW YOU
THAT CLASSIFIED [bleep]?
NO, HE DIDN'T.
- YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
THEY HAVEN'T BEEN TESTED YET.
- THIS DEVICE WILL ALLOW YOU
TO TELEPORT
ANYWHERE ON THE PLANET.
CHECK THIS OUT.
I AM THE FUTURE!
[beeps, buzzes]
[screams]
- [gasps]
- [screams]
- WHOO!
LET'S SEE STEVE JOBS DO THAT!
[laughs]
