♫ A Majestic, Mountainous Theme ♫
AARON: Hello! I'm Aaron. Welcome to Skyrim.
You've caught me in the middle of fighting some sort of weird, witch...creature.
Up on a, uh, a stone hill.
AARON: Excuse me, I'm looking for, uhhhhh--a freakish witch lady?
Ooh! There she is!
EMRE [as the gnarly witch goblin]: YAARGGH! YEH FOUND MEH!
[The Death Rattle of a Dying Witchy Woman]
AARON [ever desperate]: Look at that! She's got nice legs!
Ooh, look at this! Someone's making, uh, burgers.
Mnnn. Taprootssss burgeersss. I like mine with cheeese.
Aaand, uhh, I dunno. What do ya think--
EMRE: I think you should call it a night and go to sleep in her hay pile.
AARON: I agree. What about you, Lydia? You wanna join me?
Oh, yeah. Let's go!
Okay. Let's go to bed here for a lil while.
♫
AARON: What the fffffuck is going on...?
Hello?
Hi!
I need my glasses!
ASTRID, THE SULTRY AND SEDUCTIVE: Sleep well?
AARON: What?? Where am I? Who are you?
ASTRID: Does it matter?
AARON: Yeah...
ASTRID: You're warm, dry--
AARON: What--
ASTRID: And, still very much alive.
AARON: Yeah...
ASTRID [coyly] : That's more than can be said for old Grelod, hmmm?
AARON [not paying attention]: I like your outfit!
So, do you want me to murder someone or are you just gonna fucking *BLAB* all day..?
ASTRID, THE EVER PATIENT: Funny you should ask--
AARON: WHATEVAR. I DON'T *CARE*.
ASTRID: If you'll turn around, you'll--
AARON: *JESUS*. What a fuckin' talky bitch.
EMRE: Alright, Aaron...Make sure you pick this carefully because if you pick the wrong one--
Then, you know, you might not be able to get into the Dark Brotherhood.
AARON: MMMnnn. Okay. Well. Uhhh. Let's see--
Him.
Aaand, her--
EMRE: Wh-Wha! Wait! Whoa! What the fuck?!
AARON: Aaand, him...
UHHHhh, is that--How's that? Is that good?
Is that a good choice?
AARON: I just kinda wanna *lick* Astrid.
Is that weird?
EMRE: No. No. I-I would pay good money to see...that.
AARON: I just wanna--I wish I could just go up and lick her.
I just wanna move forward a little bit and just LICK. *Lick it*.
[suddenly noticing his creepiness] OO-OH! SOO, UHH, I'M FREE TO GO??
ASTRID: Use the key to the shack...but, why stop here?
AARON: Yeah! Gimme the key to your heart next!
ASTRID:...could take our *relationship* to the next level--
AARON: OH, YEAH! That's what I'm talkin' about!
[ASTRID goes on and on, ignored by horny men]
EMRE: Lick her shoe!
AARON: Lick it--Liiiick it!
[ASTRID, ignored for an eternity, continues to try and keep things professional]
AARON: She tastes like strawberries.
You taste like strawberry jam, Astrid.
AARON: ASTRID! I, GAHBAHWAH--
I JUST HAVE ANOTHER QUEST--
CAN YOU COME DOWN? WE NEED TO TALK--
ASTRID [going on and on]: Just beneath the--
AARON: How many times are you gonna tell me that? You think I'm stupid?
HUH?!
ASTRID: *Remember*, the Sanctuary is--
AARON: oHhhmyGaaaawd.
ASTRID: The Southern Pine Fff--
AARON: So, you're just gonna sit up there all day...
EMRE: No--Maybe you should just go to the Southern Pine Forest, just beneath the road...
AARON [disappointed]: Alright, I'm fuckin' outta here...
AARON: Oohh, woow...This is nice. Where, the Hell, am I?
OOOH!! LYDIA!!
Hai!! It's so good to see you!
*HA*!
NO! NO! I just wanted a hug and a kiss.
No, no! I just seriously--Come on. Let's--Let's hug. It's been so long.
Didn't you--How did you follow me here? [gradually becoming an angry boi]
Why didn't you *rescue* me, you BITCH?!
THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
I GOT DRAGGED HALFWAY ACROSS THE COUNTRY AND YOU DIDN'T DO *ANYTHING*!!
[The Deadly CHA-CHING of an Abuser's Sword Unsheathed]
[LYDIA won't take it laying down]
AARON: Ooh, Lydia...
Why do I keep you...?
AARON: Alright. Well. What's next on this epic quest for the 'Demon Horse', Emre?
EMRE: Well. Next you gotta go to the, uhh, Dark Brotherhood Sanctuary.
You know...On the road or *beneath* the road. In the pine forest. Or, whatever.
AARON: OH! You mean that thing she said *sixty times in a row*?
♫
AARON: You know you can make things rotate faster in these load screens, if you push *both* joysticks...?
EMRE [genuinely surprised]: GAAAAASP! I *always* wanted them to rotate faster!
AARON [proud of himself]: YYYyup. Tips 'n Tricks.
EMRE: WOW.
AARON: Frommm good old Skyrim for Pimps.
AARON: Alright.
First of all, let's get my decent weapon selected...
We got the 'Orcish Testicle Crusher', uhh, which I've improved...and the 'Steel Mace of Burning'.
AARON: So, here we are, back at Whiterun. Here's Lydia. I got her a little, uh, a new armor situation...
Um. So, she's got some plate and some--
EMRE: She looks like a statue.
AARON: Yeah. She really does.
She's kind of a statue that fights for me. Although, I have to admit--
It *fits* her rather well around the, uh, Fün area.
So, here's what I look like now.
I, uh, found myself some Dwarven armor.
And, you saw my weapons...
They're very impressive.
Settle down, Lydia. I'm just showing them my weapons. God, she's...excitable.
AARON: OOH, YES!! IT'S BJORLAM!! I'M SO GLAD TO SEE YOU, BUDDY!
BJORLAM [not nearly as excited]: Need a ride?
AARON: Ah, God. He's such a great guy. I wanna go to Falkreath, man!
BJORLAM: Climb on back, and we'll be off.
AARON: Aw! I knew you were gonna say that. I just *knew it*.
Tell me a story, dude!
Hey! Bjorlam! Can you tell me a story...?
H-Hey!
Tell me a fucking story!
EMRE: He's all storied out.
AARON [disappointed, as per usual]: WOW. What a *boring* trip to Falkreath! He's just like, 'Eeeehh! I told you the one story I know...'
'That lasts for three hours'.
'And, now that's it...so...'
♫
EMRE: There's a dragon afoot.
AARON: Really? Oh, that's why he freaked out...
EMRE: Yeah...
AARON: This is, uh, Crotch Nibbler. He's, uhm...
Oh, yeah!  Well. He's the one who killed Cock Nibbler, actually.
EMRE: OOOoooh--
AARON: That's what happened to Cock Nibbler.
EMRE: That makes sense.
AARON: He was killed by Crotch Nibbler.
AARON: I just have--See, I have a present here! It's right in my mace.
And, you can have it. Twice.
There you go--THREE times.
Three pre--FOUR PRESENTS!
Happy Biiirthdaaay!
AARON: Hey, I just killed this dragon. Is there anything else I need to--Is there any paperwork I should fill out?
Uhh.
FALKREATH GUARD: In all my years,
AARON: What?
FALKREATH GUARD: I've never seen such a thing...
AARON: Ye--I know. It's cool, right? So, anyway...uhm--
FALKREATH GUARD: BYDAHGAWDZ--
AARON: Am I--
FALKREATH GUARD: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY!
AARON: Er, j-just say good job? That's fine.
Alright, well, I'm gonna get goin'...if there's nothing else.
[Crickets]
Just leave this dragon skeleton here, then? That cool?
AARON: Hey, uh, I just killed that dragon. And, those guys didn't seem to really know what to do with the skeletons so...
[GOAT BLEATS]
AARON: Uhhh, what?
Is this, like, who talks for you?
Okay, well...What should I do with the skeleton? Umm--
[GOAT BLEATS]
AARON: O-Okay! I, I got that. Yup.
[BBLEEEEGGHHH]
AARON: Okay!
Thank you! That's very informative.
Alright. Well.
[EMRE stifles laughter]
AARON: He says I can just leave it there and they'll take care of it later.
♫
EMRE: That black pool is where Shadowmere *lives*.
AARON: OH! Well, thanks for giving that away!
That's really nice.
You fucking dick.
AARON: Alright, well, if there's anymore secrets...*DON'T* tell me. I'm just looking for, like, guidance.
Not for like, 'HEY! THIS IS WHAT-- EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENS AND NOW your surprise is ruined...'
EMRE: Alright, well, I'm not gonna tell you the password to get into the door.
AARON: I know the password! It's, uhh...
EMRE: Yeah. What is it? Tell me.
AARON: Uhh. Um.
She said it...
EMRE: I know. Do you remember?
AARON: I was *too* focused on licking...
[CREEPY NETHERWORLD VOICE]
AARON: UUUhhhmm...reggae?
EMRE [with a Jamaican accent]: Reggae, mah bruthah!
CREEPY DOOR: WEEeeellcome...HoOOooome...
EMRE: HEY! It worked!
AARON: Did he say: 'Welcome, *fool*'?
JAMAICAN EMRE: Welcome, FOOOool...
AARON: Speak with Astrid? Oh, HELL YEAH! I can't wait!
I am gonna *lick* her up.
I have to do this, right?
EMRE: Yeah, you gotta sit and wait--NO! GET YOUR ASS UP! FUCKIN' TALK TO ASTRID!
AARON: S-Sorry...
EMRE: Tired of your *shit*.
AARON: Well, *why* would I have the option of sitting on the *bench*?
See, it SAID...Sssit. Bench. It's a 'Sit Bench', and I was--
EMRE: It is.
AARON: So, I was gonna complete the mission. How am I supposed to know, Emre?
EMRE [exasperated, once again]: How have you EVEN made it this FAR in the game?!
[Cue AARON laughing like a psychopath]
AARON: Yeah, Astrid! I'll be right over! Just hold on...
Oh! A tankard! Look at the craftsmanship of that tankard!
Isn't that nice--
EMRE: AARON.
AARON: [giggles like a Gremlin]
EMRE: AARON!
AARON: HEY, LOOK IT! There's a bag over here. Some sacks! Eer, what's in this *sack*?
OOOH, a salt pile! Delicious! I love salt!
EMRE [rightfully given up]: I'm going to go drown myself.
AARON: A clothes iron--in *WHAT*?
EMRE: The sink.
AARON: OOOOOHH, yeaaaah--Hey, Astrid! How's it goin'?
ASTRID [sighing]: At last...
AARON: Yeaaah!
ASTRID: I hope you found the place alright...
AARON: OOhh, I did! I found *the place*, if you know what I mean. I can find *your place*...
I'm good at that...
ASTRID: A welcome home present...
The armor of the Dark Brotherhood.
AARON: OKAY. She fuckin' talks FOREVER.
[ASTRID, once again, goes on and on and--]
AARON: YUP.
ASTRID: And, look at where the Dark Brotherhood ended up--
AARON [mockingly]: OOOoooh, I know what yer saying! Just the other day--
[ASTRID talks over AARON]
AARON: W-WHA--
[ASTRID, blahblahblahalalaaa]
AARON: Wha--Wha, No! Stop for a second...I juss wanna tell you a stor--
[ASTRID could not begin to care less about what AARON has to say]
AARON [weakly]: Astrid....Oh, God, you're dull...
EMRE [on the verge of a mental breakdown]: NONE OF THIS SHIT IS IMPORTANT!
JUST FUCKIN' DROP IT!
AARON: Gawd, Emre. Fuckin' relax. I wanna take in *every* aspect of the game.
The chairs.
The benches.
The long, Astrid...sleepy talk.
AARON: Heeey, Natzi! Whooo's the Naaatzi-est?
I bet I'm Natzi-er than you are.
AARON [quietly to himself]: Sithis...ahh, I just get tired of reading books.
EMRE [a broken man]: DAARGHH DEH SITHEHH NUDDAHBLAH--
[EMRE continues to babble incoherently]
EMRE [a special boy]: DEHGH MEEUTAN JAGGOFF OOHDAR FRAND!
AARON: You have an excellent reading voice!
EMRE: Thank you. I learned from the best.
AARON: I think you do.
...Did.
AARON: Oooh, Astriiiid...
Look Astriiid...
Check me *out*. Honey.
EMRE: Aaron. Are you...sexually *starved*?
AARON [defensive]: No, I'm not sexually charged! Because I play this game! And, so, I get all the love that I need...
[ASTRID flees the scene]
AARON: HEY, COME BACK!
EMRE: Dude! You made her LEAVE.
AARON: What's the problem???
EMRE: I've *never* seen her get up before.
AARON: I don't even--
EMRE: Dude. You got fuckin' rejected.
AARON: Shhit...
EMRE: Do you want me to show you why you got rejected by her?
AARON [sweet, gullible AARON]: YES.
EMRE: Alright. Zoom out.
Look. At that. *FLAB*.
Just look at that.
AARON: Okay, thaaat--
EMRE: There's NO way. Look at your belly! *GROSS*!!
AARON: What are you? An abusive father?
EMRE: You should do some sit-ups! YOU PIG!
AARON: Shrouded Armor? What's this?
OhMAHGawd! I'm gonna lick myself!
Astrid! Check me out! Look! I look just like you!
Wait a minute...Which one of us is Astrid, dude?
[EMRE silently contemplates what he's doing with his life]
EMRE: ...you seriously asking me that question?
AARON: LOOK!
Astrid! You're my sister, look!
And, we're both *incredibly* lickable.
[EMRE finally laughs as his broken mind gives up]
AARON: Isn't that GREAT?
AARON [an actual sadist]: This is what you wanted me to do. Right, Emre?
EMRE: Yeeeah...
AARON: Is this what's next on the, uh, t-the mission?
EMRE: ACTUALLY, YEAH! If you sit in front of this fire for 18 hours, Shadowmere will *pop* out of your *ass*!
AARON: HA, HA! That's how you do it! [claps hands] This why I'm having you help me!
EMRE: No, yeah, mn...
♫
AARON: Where is...Shadowmere?
EMRE: OH, YOU KNOW WHAT??? I forgot...
If you are a window-licking *retard*, then Shadowmere will NOT pop out of your ass.
AARON: *That* is my--
EMRE: And, he's deleted from the game forever.
AARON: That is my favorite type of retard.
The window-licking type.
♫
AARON: Oh, my God. I'm totally gonna talk to Arnbjorn from ABBA.
ARNBJORN: Ooooh, my beautiful *WIFE* has told me all about you...
AARON:...Who's your wife?
Oh, God.
EMRE: You *really* don't want to know.
AARON: Why not...
EMRE: It's gonna break your heart...
AARON: Y...You're not married to Astrid, are you?
[ARNBJORN keeps talking, unaware of the soul he's crushed]
AARON: Oh, noo...
EMRE: I didn't want to say anything. I was hoping you two would never meet, but...
AARON: NOOoo! You're NOT married to Astrid!
I'm gonna fucking kill you!
EMRE: DUDE! He's a werewolf. You can't mess with him.
AARON: FUCK THAT!
ARNBJORN [oblivious]: I LUV ASTRID.
AARON: You leave Astrid alone! S-She only likes me! She talks to me for HOURS!
[The Faint Sound of Emre Laughing at Aaron's Pain]
EMRE: Dude--
AARON: I bet she doesn't talk to YOU at ALL!
EMRE: L-Let it go, man. Just let it go. [laughing]
AARON: God--
EMRE: It's not worth it.
AARON: DAMNIT.
You don't *deserve* Astrid. You SCUM.
[EMRE is pleased]
FESTUS: Consider meh the cranky, old uncle--
AARON: Oh, GAWD. This must be Astrid's father. He talks forever.
Do you approve of this union between Gut-Nuts and Astrid?
Cuz I don't.
AARON [harassing children, yet again]: BBBabette. BaBB'IT....Bah-bet.
AARON: I met your little boyfriend.
ASTRID: I'm afraid I don't--
AARON: Not impressed!
ASTRID: ...have a primary contract for you, yet.
AARON: Oh, yeah! You don't have a contract--yeah! I know w-what you're really trying to say, Astrid.
I know your true feelings, you fucker.
ASTRID: I'm afraid I don't have a primary contract for you, yet.
AARON: Yeaah, okay. You might as well just admit that that's just saying 'I love you'.
EMRE: I wasn't aware that this was going to be sooo...emotional for--
AARON [voice breaking]: She REJECTED me, Emre!
She turned me awaaaay...
For that stupid, Bahlorgadorg or...whatever the *fuck* his name was...
EMRE: This quest just became a lot more difficult.
AARON: It's really affecting me, emotionally. I don't think I can do this.
EMRE: You're gonna get over it! You're gonna find someone else for ya! Astrid, just one of the millions of fish in the sea--
AARON: Nooo. It's always been Astrid. For me.
I'm just gonna drown myself in this tar pit.
EMRE [in disbelief]: YOU JUST MET HER!
AARON [realizing suicide is hard]: Damnit!
EMRE: Wh-What about Lydia? You had her--
AARON: THIS IS YOUR FAULT, LYDIA!!
I'm sick of Lydia. She's really, like...sarcastic and sorta *tough*.
She's not gentle and sexy like Astrid.
I don't--
I hate you!
[SAD, DRAMATIC PIANO STING]
I HATE YOU, LYDIAAAAH!
[AARON sobs while the piano grows more depressed]
AAAAAHHHSTRIIIIIIIDD!
AAAAaaaahhh!!!
AARON [now calm]: You know what?
There's only one solution.
I need to go talk to the Oracle.
And, find out what to do about Astrid...
S-She's in Dawnstar.
♫
AARON: Look it! They just put this on the screen to remind me!
EMRE [laughing]: The Lover's Stone?
AARON [laughing, because he can no longer cry]: GODDAMNIT!
AARON: Uhm. I'm gonna carve Astrid's visage on this tree.
Just to...Imma put, that I love her...
Astrid...
[DRAMATIC PIANO RETURNS]
Luvs...Fün Tits...
There. It's done...
Okay.
That makes it true, right?
[Only the Sad Piano answers AARON, EMRE is still in shock]
AARON: Now, I have to go talk to the Oracle.
She's gonna tell me how to get Astrid.
EMRE: Who is this *Oracle*? What are you talking about?
AARON: I'll show you. I'll show you. She's in this Inn.
EMRE [not so sure]: Mkay...
AARON: Okay.
AARON: Where is the Or--OH! Oh, there we go! Okay, okay...
Oh!
KARITA, THE 'ORACLE': Oh? Did you need something?
AARON [somewhat breathless]: Y-Yeah, I need to talk to the Oracle.
Okaay. Go ahead, Oracle. Tell me what to do.
Uh huh.
Yeeeah...
There's two Oracles...
Look at it--
EMRE: *Those* are the Oracles?
AARON: Oracle! What should I do--
Wait--
Who...?
Who did I come here about?
This is making me forget all about Astrid.
EMRE: That's good! It's exactly what you need!
AARON: EY!
EMRE: WHERE'D THEY GO?!
AARON: GET THAT OUTTA THERE!
[A Mysterious Entity known as ADAM chuckles in the background]
AARON: What are DOING?! You're blocking the Oracles!
Come on!
DAMNIT!
Put that *DOWN*!
Yeesss...
[AARON and EMRE take great joy in sexually harassing womenfolk]
AARON: What the fuck was that--
Did you just try to play the bongos at me?
AARON: Oh, my God. Is...She's doing this on purpose, just to tempt me.
EMRE: You know, she's *really* talented.
I know that she's really well-endowed but, I mean, she can play three different instruments, too.
AARON: That flute looks really veiny...
EMRE: Dude, I think she just slurped that flute into her throat.
AARON [sounding more and more like a creep]: Oohhh, good job, Karita. Good job.
♫ SAD PIANO ♫
AARON [hypnotized]: Woowww. Do we have to keep doing this mission?
Can I j-just stay here?
♫ A Majestic, Mountainous Outro ♫
[GTA Random Citizen: Yeeeeaaah! BOI, BOI! HaHa! DOPE!]
