>>> COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
>> WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE.
I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> I'M COLIN JOST.
I THINK THAT VITAMIN D GOT HIM
AMPED UP.
ON TUESDAY HE HELD RALLY.
THERE WAS SOME ERASISM BUT BUT
IT WAS ARIZONA SO IT WAS A DRY
RACISM.
>> I HIT THEM WITH EVERYTHING.
I GOT THE WHITE SUPREMACISTS,
THE NEO-NAZI.
I GOT THEM ALL IN THERE.
KKK.
WE HAVE KKK.
I GOT THEM ALL.
>> HE'S LISTING OFF HATE GROUPS
LIKE THEY'RE POKEMON CARDS.
I GOT SQUIRTTLE.
KKK AND IT'S EVOLVING INTO AN
ALT-RIGHT.
THIS IS MY FAVORITE MOMENT WHERE
HE SAID EVERYONE WAS A OF RACE.
>> I DIDN'T SAY I LOVE YOU
BECAUSE YOU'RE WHITE OR I LOVE
YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE BLACK OR I
LOVE YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE FROM
JAPAN.
>> HE THINKS THE THREE OPTIONS
ARE BLACK, WHITE AND JAPAN.
I LOVE THAT PAUSE BEFORE HE SAID
JAPAN.
DURING THAT PAUSE HE WAS
THINKING OF DON'T SAY YELLOW.
DON'T SAY YELLOW.
>> THAT'S ALL VERY TRUE AND
OBSERVANT, COLIN.
I STILL WANT TO KNOW WHO WAS
THIS.
I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO SAY ON
BEHALF OF BLACK PEOPLE
EVERYWHERE, WE DON'T KNOW KNOW
THIS FOOL.
I CAN'T TELL IF HE TRICKED THESE
WHITE PEOPLE OR IF THESE WHITE
PEOPLE TRICKED HIM, BUT I DO
KNOW THIS GREASY BASTARD TRICKED
THESE WHITE PEOPLE.
DURING THE RALLY IN PHOENIX
PRESIDENT TRUMP THREATENED A
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN IN CONGRESS
IF THEY DON'T FUND THE BORDER
WALL.
FIRST OF ALL, SHUT OUT TO MEXICO
FOR JUST BEING LIKE, NAH.
SECOND, DON'T SAY CONGRESS IS
GOING TO PAY FOR IT BECAUSE
THEY'RE STILL USING OUR MONEY.
JUST LIKE WHEN MY GIRL BUYS A
GUCCI BAG AND SAYS I DON'T KNOW
WHY YOU TRIPPING, TECHNICALLY
VISA IS PAYING FOR IT.
PRESIDENT TRUMP ANNOUNCED HIS
NEW STRATEGY IN AFGHANISTAN WILL
BE BASED ON CONDITIONS RATHER
THAN A TIMETABLE.
WE'VE ALREADY BEEN IN
AFGHANISTAN FOR 16 YEARS.
THIS IS SO OLD THAT IN TWO MORE
YEARS IT CAN FIGHT IN A WAR.
I DON'T THINK WE'RE LEAVING ANY
TIME SOON BECAUSE WE'RE IN THE
MIDDLE OF AN OPIOID CRISIS AND
AFGHANISTAN PRODUCES 90% OF THE
WORLD'S HEROIN.
I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S
COINCIDENCE BUT IF YOU PRODUCE
90% OF THE WORLD'S BENT SPOONS,
I'M WATCH IT.
I JUST REMEMBER WHERE I SAW THIS
GUY FROM.
HE'S ON THE NEWS AS THE ONLY
BLACK WITNESS AND SAID I SEEN
THE WHOLE THING.
>>> CITIES HAVE COVERED MULTIPLE
CONFEDERATE STATUES THIS BLACK
FABRIC SO HOPEFULLY RACISTS WILL
CALM DOWN NOW THAT ROBERT E. LEE
IS DRESSED LIKE A MUSLIM LADY.
