Disciplining a misbehaving child can be one of the most challenging aspects of parenting. Many parents default to harsh punishments or yelling, but research shows that positive discipline techniques are more effective in the long run. Positive discipline focuses on teaching children acceptable behaviors through empathy, communication, and problem-solving. In this article, we’ll explore five (5) positive discipline approaches that can help you guide your child’s behavior in a constructive way.
Redirect Unwanted Behavior
When your child starts to engage in unwanted behavior, try redirecting their attention to a more positive activity. This approach allows you to address the undesirable behavior without harsh punishment, which can often lead to resentment or defiance in young children.
For example, if your child is throwing toys, you can say “It looks like you’re having fun throwing, but toys are for playing, not throwing. Let’s go build a tower instead.”
By acknowledging their desire for an energetic activity, and then redirecting that energy into a constructive outlet, you give your child an alternative way to satisfy their impulses. Redirection works best when you can identify the root cause of the misbehavior. Is your child bored and seeking stimulation? Frustrated and looking for an outlet? Tired and cranky? Understanding the underlying need can help you choose an appropriate redirected activity that will genuinely engage your child.
In addition to redirecting physical behaviors, you can also redirect your child’s attention and language. If they are using unkind words, you can say “I know you’re feeling upset, but let’s think of a nicer way to express that.” Then guide them towards more positive phrasing.
The key to effective redirection is to make the alternative activity just as appealing, if not more so, than the undesirable behavior. With patience and practice, your child will learn to self-regulate and find constructive ways to meet their needs.
Ignore Misbehavior (When It’s Safe to Do So)
As parents, it can be tempting to react immediately to every instance of misbehavior. However, some behaviors, such as whining or tantrums, may be best addressed by simply ignoring them. This approach, when used strategically, can be a powerful tool in your positive discipline toolkit.
The logic behind ignoring misbehavior is rooted in the principles of reinforcement. Children, like all of us, tend to repeat behaviors that get them the attention or reaction they desire. By refusing to give these undesirable behaviors an audience or reaction, you remove the reinforcement the child was seeking. Over time, they will learn that whining, throwing fits, or other disruptive actions no longer yield the desired outcome.
This technique should only be applied to behaviors that are not dangerous or significantly disruptive. If your child is in a situation where they could harm themselves or others, or if their misbehavior is severely impacting the well-being of your family, you’ll need to step in and address the issue directly. The key is to carefully assess each situation and determine whether ignoring the behavior is the most appropriate response.
When choosing to ignore misbehavior, it’s important to do so calmly and consistently. Avoid scolding, lecturing, or any other form of engagement, as this can inadvertently reinforce the very behavior you’re trying to eliminate. Instead, redirect your attention to more positive activities or interactions, making it clear that the undesirable behavior will not be rewarded.
With patience and persistence, the strategic use of ignoring can help your child learn to self-regulate and find more constructive ways to express their needs and emotions. By removing the payoff for misbehavior, you empower your child to make better choices and build a stronger, more positive relationship in the process.
Praise for Positive Behaviors
As parents, one of the most powerful tools we have in our positive discipline toolkit is the strategic use of praise. By acknowledging and celebrating our children’s good behaviors, we can reinforce the actions we want to see more of, while also boosting their self-esteem and intrinsic motivation. The key to effective praise is to be specific and sincere. Rather than generic statements like “good job,” try to highlight the particular behavior that you want to encourage.
For example, you could say “I’m so proud of you for sharing your toys with your sister” or “Thank you for cleaning up your room without being asked.”
This level of specificity helps your child understand exactly which behaviors are deserving of recognition. Praise works by tapping into our innate desire for approval and validation. When a child receives genuine, positive feedback from a trusted caregiver, it triggers the release of feel-good hormones like dopamine and serotonin. Over time, this creates a positive feedback loop, where the child is motivated to repeat the praised behaviors in order to experience those rewarding sensations again.
Beyond just a momentary boost, praise can also have long-lasting benefits for a child’s development. Studies have shown that children who receive frequent, authentic praise tend to have higher self-esteem, greater self-confidence, and a stronger internal locus of control. They are more likely to take pride in their accomplishments and believe in their own capabilities.
It’s important to strike the right balance. Excessive or insincere praise can actually backfire, causing children to become overly dependent on external validation. The goal is to create an environment where praise is a genuine, meaningful reward – one that encourages your child to continue making positive choices, both for themselves and for your family.
Set a Good Example
As parents, one of the most impactful ways we can guide our children’s behavior is by modeling the very qualities and actions we hope to see from them. Children are keen observers, absorbing and often mimicking the behaviors of the important adults in their lives. By setting a good example, we can harness the power of observational learning to shape our children’s conduct in a positive direction.
This starts with managing our own emotions and responses. When we find ourselves feeling frustrated, angry, or overwhelmed, it’s important to take a step back and regulate our reactions. By remaining calm, using polite language, and finding constructive ways to work through challenges, we demonstrate for our children how to handle difficult situations with maturity and grace.
The choices we make as parents send a powerful message. Are we making healthy, responsible decisions? Do we treat others, including our children, with kindness and respect? Do we take ownership of our mistakes and model accountability? The more our own behaviors align with the values we hope to impart, the more compelling those lessons will be for our kids.
No parent is perfect, and we will inevitably make missteps. The key is to acknowledge those moments transparently, apologize when necessary, and use them as opportunities to teach our children about the importance of self-improvement and personal growth.
By setting a consistently positive example, we create an environment where the behaviors we want to see – cooperation, empathy, integrity – become the cultural norm. Over time, our children will internalize these qualities, drawing from our model to inform their own decision-making and interpersonal interactions.
Modeling the change we wish to see is one of the most profound and lasting gifts we can offer our children. It requires self-awareness and discipline, but the dividends in terms of their development are immeasurable.
Offer Choices to Avoid Power Struggles
As parents, we’ve all experienced the frustration of a power struggle with our children. These heated battles of will can quickly escalate, leading to misbehavior, resentment, and a strained parent-child relationship. Fortunately, there is a simple strategy we can employ to sidestep these unproductive conflicts: offering choices.
By presenting our children with appropriate options within the boundaries we’ve established, we can empower them to feel in control of their actions, while still maintaining our parental authority. This approach taps into a child’s natural desire for autonomy and decision-making power, channeling that energy into constructive, mutually-agreed-upon outcomes.
For example, instead of issuing a command like “It’s time to get dressed for school,” we can say “It’s time to get dressed for school. Would you like to wear the blue shirt or the red one?”
This small shift gives the child a sense of agency, allowing them to feel like an active participant rather than a passive recipient of our directives. The key is to ensure that the choices we offer are truly acceptable to us as parents. We want to avoid creating a false sense of choice by presenting options that are not actually options. The goal is to guide our children towards responsible decisions, not just to appease them in the moment.
Offering choices can be an especially effective strategy when dealing with everyday routines and transitions, where power struggles often arise. By infusing these mundane moments with a sense of control, we can preempt battles of will and create a more cooperative, harmonious dynamic.
There will be times when no choice is the right choice. In those instances, it’s important to be clear, firm, and consistent in our parental guidance. But by making judicious use of this simple technique, we can go a long way towards avoiding unnecessary conflict and fostering a more positive, collaborative relationship with our children.
Disciplining a misbehaving child doesn’t have to mean harsh punishments or yelling. By using positive discipline techniques like redirection, selective ignoring, praise, modeling good behavior, and offering choices, you can address misbehavior while also building your child’s skills and self-esteem. The key is to be patient, consistent, and focus on teaching rather than just punishing. With time and practice, these positive approaches can transform challenging behaviors into opportunities for growth.